Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #35 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 17, 2020

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What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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Pokey Pokey Picking a Pokey Good morning job seekers Oh my god Okay it's happening Catch me outside How about that Have you never seen me before

Upset me Nasty bitch I'm big boned I'm heavy structured I'm hung low if i pull my out this whole room get dark disgusting it's the end of the world as we know it and i feel like podcasting two mics two leads and a lot of time on their hands this is have a word shut down dailies let's get through this mess together.

Hold up, I said. Hold up now, because your rover is dead. Hi. It's the sound of the police. What's happening? Yes, I'm very good, Adam. Thanks for asking. What a lovely and cordial way to start the episode. I'm great.

How the fuckity fuck are you? I'm all right. I've had quite a productive 36 hours, 20 foot whatever, about day and a half. I've been getting some shit done. Nice. Tidying around the house, being editing me or doing the edit notes, I should say, for my stand-up special. That's going to come out soon. When's that dropping? I haven't got a date yet because I haven't got the

first full edit back yet from the editor. I reckon I'll have that within... So when it's ready, it's getting dropped when it's ready. Basically, I reckon I'll have it back within three or four days and I reckon there'll be another week for a second edit. And normally the second edit's good enough, but it might need a third

one. So I'm hoping by the end of April, I'll be able to announce it. And I think I've come to a little decision just to boost our Patreon numbers. I think I'm going to lash it on our Patreon a few days before I put it on YouTube. So if

you're one of our patrons, you'll get to see the stand-up special a few days before anyone else. Nice. Really nice. How long is the actual run of stand-up in the show? Because I know it's not like a full hour, is it? No, so there's about 35-40 minutes of stand-up. It's

two club sets, essentially. As any comics listener know, when you do a club set on a weekend, you tend to do about 20 minutes. And this special is essentially two completely different sets filmed back to back on the same night at the comedy store in london um with a little break in the in the middle where i went for a little wander around leicester square

nice with the with occasional noises from the back of the room from some of the older comics who haven't got two 20 minute sets they've got one 20 minutes and some b-sides um yeah it's a funny one in it 20 minutes doesn't sound that long when you do an hour to an hour and a half of podcasting fucking daily but my god 20 minutes when you're having the time of your life whips by you just look down especially when you get when you get good and you've practiced and you've been doing this shit a while you're like i've got like a 20 minute set that big bit two of those new bits fuck i've got four bits four or five bits can be 20 minutes and when you're having a blinder you look down and you're like oh i must have done about eight oh fuck i've done 17

shit i'll have to cut that and i'll just have to finish on that. And when you're dying on your hoop and everyone, when you're having a bad one and it doesn't matter how good you are as a comic, there's always one in the post. It might be like coming from a long way out. It might be like due tomorrow, whatever, but it's always on the cards.

When you have a stinker, you're like, fuck, I must have done 20 and you look down and you're like, 11? Fucking cunty audiences mess with time like doctor who it's a fucking nightmare you're like have you slowed time you bunch of pricks i was um i'm very happy with sort of i haven't seen the full i've only seen the the stand-up shot from angle so far. We had like four or five angles in there, different cameras. I've seen one, but I'm really happy with how it went.

Like I've watched it back and gone, I actually had a really good night there. You know, you've had two sets where you've been on. The Late Show in particular, like the early show was really good, I think, but the set I did at the Late Show, it's my favourite material. And I'm gutted that I'm putting it out a little bit because it means when we come back I can't do it anymore

because so many people will see it that when I come back to doing normal gigs well I hope so many people see it if people watch it then I won't be able to do it at gigs so I'm going to have to write some new stuff I'm burning my best material but that's what all the good American comics do

you're doing what you're doing what we've held up on a pedestal since we started this podcast. And to be fair, you and me have talked about this for the last few years. There's comics that, that churn it over. There's comics that don't, and there's,

there's everything in between. And also you go through periods where you're productive and there's got, you go through periods where you're doing other stuff and you put stand up. You're not as, for whatever reason, it's just not right at the forefront. I mean, I haven't had loads of other stuff. You mean like right now?

But I mean, you're doing what all the great comics do that we love. You're doing that thing of like, well, it was great. It's all blinding stuff, but it's got to go because this new stuff can grow underneath it. got to go because this new stuff can grow underneath it my intention is when we come back from um being quarantined my intention is to have a new really good 20 minute club set within a month i'm going to go to hot water like three nights a week for a month and just get that set ready i've kept about 10-15 minutes of stuff off the special that i know i can sort of intertwine with the brand new stuff um have you been in your notebook have you

been in your notebook a lot um no not a lot i had an idea before for a new bit that i'm going to try and flesh out maybe later tonight i'm going to sit down and actually try and go through it a bit. I've got one potential first-team starter. That's what it feels like. Now, it feels like I really don't want to wind any football fans up from a certain team, but it feels like the whole first team of my stand-up comedy football squad just got wiped out by the Rona,

and maybe one or two are going to survive as the seniors and I've got that first game back, I really want to blood all of these new I just feel like how are you going to get back on stage and start talking like it's February

I just feel like the crowds, there's going to be such a weird atmosphere of like oh we're excited to be watching comedy you're excited to be doing it we've just lived through the rona shutdown which is all everyone's twatting on about right so that's understandable but then i also think the reason people have enjoyed this podcast is because it's not like we've ignored it and we've been honest about how we felt. We've talked about anxieties and talked about good days and bad days, but we've, we've laughed about stuff that's got nothing to do with it.

And I think there'll be an element of that with the audiences. They'll be like, oh man, I don't want to listen to every dickhead. You're just like, I've made a rule for myself. Like I might briefly, like we do in this podcast. Yeah. I might briefly go like, there might be a little line that I say, which slightly references being locked down or Corona or whatever.

I'm not coming out of this with a fucking five minute standup routine about coronavirus or what it's like to be quarantined or, Hey, what was it like living with your missus? Well, didn't you get sick of that bitch's face? I'm not doing that because you're going to go into a weekend bill as we do with four other comedians or three or four other comedians and at least one of them is going to be doing exactly that on every bill

for about six months and i want to go on stage with normal good stand-up that i'm happy with and get back to normal okay if it if it pops up, reference it. If there's a bit of crowd work, that becomes an open goal. I think a lot of compares are going to have to take that bullet. I think a lot of compares are going to have to go out for that first few weeks of comedy

and being back are going to be like, guys, we're back. Hasn't it been audible? Anyway, here's three fucking great comedians. I think the compers are going to have to drop a little hint in and do that garden for us and go, look, we all know where we've been. Here's a comedian with 20 minutes of actual stuff.

But good crowds and good comics have that natural inclination. And everyone's got a personal threshold of what they will and won't talk about. Like, if you look at danny mack who for my money is if he's not the best mc in the land like he's a brilliant comic i mean he is a belm sometimes but he is a fucking amazing comic isn't he and he is i think probably one of the best comp i think he might be the best compare watch him never say the word coronavirus or covid19 he never will because he because he he he's he was sick of it while while wuhan were in lockdown because his because he's got the highest threshold i've ever seen for if someone else can do a bit on it it better be

one of the four comics that he respects or he's basically gone oh you've ruined that now he treats subject matter and a lot of good really good comics and i and i and i'm not saying danny max this but like acaster's got that touch you watch jay james acaster you're like where's where's this where have you how do you you must have left so much low-hanging fruit to just ignore it his it's basically like you know when you you're dating when you're young and like one of your mates has got off with a girl and then someone will have gone out with another girl and they'll be like some guys are like oh fuck it i don't give a shit we're out and she's she's looked looks good in that dress i'm gonna get off of the like

wasn't she like your best mate's girlfriend about a year ago like some guys just don't give a shit and they'll do it anyway. Danny Mac is the comedic equivalent of the guy who's like, did you even look in her direction? Because if so, I'm done with it. Did you once, like, put your arm around her? No, fuck, she's done.

She's done. Yeah. He is like that. He's very, very particular about what he will and won't talk about. For me, he goes a bit far with it at times where he's like oh what you doing you doing a bit about confectionery

oh that guy there's a comic he doesn't do stand up anymore but he had a great bit about confectionery in 2002 so I wouldn't do a confectionery bit and I'm always like there's only a finite amount of subjects we can talk about but I respect him so much for it and you're so fucking right there's no way Danny Mac is coming.

Danny McLaughlin, by the way, we're giving props to our mate here. If you want to go and check him out, he's got quite a lot of crowd work videos from Hot Water Comedy Club on YouTube. So just search Danny McLaughlin, Hot Water Comedy Club, you'll get loads of clips. But yeah, I do think you're right.

Can we do a little mini top five just off the top of our heads of top five comp pairs in the country? I know you don't want me to put you in it, but you're in mine, even though you don't do it much anymore. Can you deselect me on a technicality of, one, it's a bit cringy to be in the conversation, and two, I so don't want to be in that conversation anymore.

I'm just so done. Because some promoter will listen to this and go, oh, Adam, I think adam's brilliant and oh yeah he rates dan as a compa i'll try and book him as a compa and i'll be like upset me nasty bitch can you explain because we've got a lot of non-industry um listeners of this podcast. Thousands. Literally thousands. So, we've referenced this on the podcast a couple of times. When we both got nominated in the Chortle Awards and you were nominated

as Best Compere and you said you didn't want people to vote for you, it's essentially because you don't want to be booked to compare. You want to be booked to do a set. Explain to people why you don't like hosting and you prefer doing a set. What is it? Now, I love stand-up

and I love doing all forms of stand-up, but I've been doing it 18 years. And what I find is you've got to look after your love of stand-up because I don't want to end up like one of these guys. The opposite end of the spectrum of Danny Mac is the guys who straight after the roaner will be out of the shutdown going,

who's drinking i was in shutdown and it was bloody boring how much did you masturbate guys oh lord corona corona corona like i just don't want to end up like one of them pessimistic cynical fuckers and i think the way you do that is you've got to look at and this goes for other people's careers if you know something is bugging you, pestering you, it's making you not enjoy the thing that you love, dodge it. Avoid it. Not permanently, not forever. Some things are just part of the game.

But, like, there are a couple of promoters who make me hate working for them. So I put them, like, on the substitute's bench. You know, like, next year's booking will will come round and I'll avoid them and dodge their emails because I need a break from them. There's some gigs that it's not even the promoter. It's just a gig bugs me. The Birmingham loft that used to be a junglers. I can't do it.

It makes me hate stand up. It's just something about that room and that street in Birmingham. I love Birmingham. It's fucking the glees around the corner. It's amazing. And comparing in the last two or three years has started to make me feel those same feelings of like i introducing acts to a perfectly nice crowd where a promoter the guy who's booked the other acts is a fucking donut and he's put the fucking headliner in the middle he's put an act that shouldn't be on the bill to open and then some another compare to close and you are responsible for it it's a

long night you're there at the start you're there at the end it's a it's becoming stand up that i don't enjoy as much as a set so the caveat to that is there are still loads of gigs i do enjoy comparing like beat the frog i've got a couple of gigs in shrewsbury the hi-fi in leeds there's still gigs that i enjoy comparing but yeah i just i'm trying basically to just do those on the sly so when i got nominated for the chortle award it's a ball like when i won best compare at the northwest comedy awards it's a ball like it's a it's a compliment but it's like an unwanted compliment because i like it that people like my stuff but there is a knock-on effect to everyone going you're brilliant at that because i'm like i'm almost like shut up though shut up i don't want it's fine thank you appreciate and that's because i've compared since 2002 and while i was doing all

those comparing gigs i wasn't doing sets so i've seen people get better at sets than me. And now, I just want to do sets, man. I bet you do 90% sets, don't you? 95% sets. I do, and there's a couple of levels to why that is. First of all, as we've mentioned a few times, I'm very, very, very competitive. Now, this might sound a bit arrogant, but I will put myself over 20 minutes against

almost any act in the country i think i can do as good a job as 99 of the comedians in this country over a 20 minute club set i remember three years ago if you just said that to me i'd have been like all right adam we'll see you down at the frog and then about two years ago you were in front of me on the bill and i was like right okay yeah adam's getting really annoyingly good yeah that's fair enough it's not arrogance it's just you're just being honest about where you're at well i've i've worked to get to that position like i've always felt like i deserved to be a comic but i've never felt until recently i didn't feel like i could say that out loud but i've just said but when it comes to comparing, I absolutely do not put myself

in that bracket. So because I'm not one of the best at being a compare, I don't want to do it. It's the same way. I don't play Call of Duty because I'm shit at it. I play FIFA because I'm fairly good at FIFA and I know I can be competitive. So there's that. And also,

and this is going to sound even more arrogant than what I've just said said when you're comparing it's never really about you it's about setting the gig up for the next guy and comedy is an egotistical job, you're walking on stage and you're demanding the attention of a room and we've all

got a bit of an ego with it and when you're doing a set, especially if you're headlining if you're the headline act at a good comedy club, they'll go right you're meant to do 20 minutes but if you're headlining. If you're the headline act at a good comedy club, they'll go, right, you're meant to do 20 minutes, but if you're having fun, do whatever you fucking want. Do whatever you want. Let it roll. If you can headline a gig and you can just, this is my gig

now. You've had the opener, you've had the second act, you've had the compare all night, but it's now my gig and I can sort of do whatever I want with it. When you're comparing, you're in charge of the whole gig, but it's never actually yours. Because as soon as you start having a good time, you've got to get off the stage and bring

another act on. And guess what? If it is your night, you get criticised for it. Yeah. People are like, mate, you were grandstanding. I've done it. God, I've done it long enough. I grew up as a stand-up. I've had comics go, that was too long. I've had comics go, great, could you just tone it it down i remember the story from the frog and bucket years ago

where peter k was comparing and peter k famously couldn't give a fuck what anyone thought about him but one of the other acts said to the owner dave mate you can't have him as compare he's too funny and uh dave dave sacks him the next night pulled him off the bill he was like i never want to ever hear a comic who's meant to be being paid to do comedy say that i can't put someone who's funny on as a compare now i get why dave sacked him it's a bit dramatic it's all it's back in the day it's the wild west it's the late 90s i i'm 100 on board with that but but it's weird how i've seen compares have a brilliant night and then all of a sudden,

they act through no fault of the comp pairs, can't follow them, and everyone's like, well, it's not a great comp pairing job. So basically being funny isn't the most important thing. It's one of the things. If a party kick off,

you're like, oh, comp pair's going to have to take a bullet here. It becomes very functional. It's a bit bit I don't know it's like being a sportsman and having a second sport you're like I just

want to do the main sport I want to be the fucking you know that's what it's about essentially the

Compaire's the goalkeeper and you want to play football you don't want to be diving about in goal all night trying to stop the

opposition scoring you want to get on the pitch and score some goals yourself. You feel like going, I've got great pace. I could get right up there. I've got a lovely finish. Just stay in goal, no bed. Just run it from the back.

And there's the old cliche as well, which is 100% true. The audience absolutely do not respect you as a comic when you're the comp here. Even if you murder it, you can have audiences come up to you at the end of the show and go do you know what babe we thought you were so good that you could actually do stand-up you could be a comedian why don't you give comedy a go upset me nasty bitch what do you think i've been doing all night it's and and you know at first i remember when i started out and i and i was 75% comp hair and I must have been like 24, 25. And I used to go, no, no, I do do sets.

After about five, six years, you realise you just have to be like, yeah, I'll give it a go. Like, you should do a turn. You should be one of the, this is the killer line. Oh, there's the comp hair. Oh, we thought you were brilliant. Really quick shot, very funny. We thought you were brilliant really quick shot very funny we thought you should be one of the comedians and and the best thing to do is just be like

well i don't know you you're a bit of a fuckwit and you don't mean any harm but what is the point of going oh it's no point just just be like yeah yeah, nice one. I'll give it a go. Do you know what? When I'm up there and I'm introducing those acts, I can't believe that I never thought, maybe I'll give this a crack. Maybe I'll just, yeah, good one. Do you know when I do like comparing, when I do sort of like hosting the gig, this is one of

the, I don't mind doing it a hot water midweek because that's fun. And you're trying to get crowd work videos out because they record everything. But also, whenever I'm working on a new show, so if I'm about to go on tour or to the Edinburgh fun and you're trying to get crowd work videos out because they record everything but also whenever i'm working on a new show so when i if i'm about to go on tour or to the edinburgh festival when i'm trying to put a new hour together i normally book like four nights for like three different weeks in hot water so i'll do sunday monday tuesday wednesday a hot water in the small room we'll we'll make the tickets like three quid and we fill every single night just so I can do some new material.

But I turn them into Adam Rowan friends nights. So I go on and I host and bring two acts in the first section to do like 15 minutes of new stuff each. So I've done comparing at the top, but I can do as long as I want because it's my show. I bring my mates on, they do a bit, and then we have a break. And then after the break, I do like 40 minutes of actual stuff. That's when I love doing a bit of crowd work and comparing because i'm like this is a this is

my night you know what i mean if we if we when we get out of the fork and all right i we've been talking about it and i'm not i'm not you know i'm not saying anything out of school here when we do live shows and we hope we get regular live shows going and things booked in but i will i'll be the first on i think it's the natural way of it if we're going to shows going and things booked in but i will i'll be the first on i think it's the natural way of it if we're going to do some stand-up in the first section it'll be me starting the show i've compared for so long i'll do some chatting i'll do some stuff and i'll introduce you and you'll do some stuff and that will be an absolute fucking pleasure that is different i don't hate comparing i hate loads of other things around weirdly around it

like it's not it's not as a compare yeah that's it and and and just on a self it's like when the money's the same because often the headliner gets paid the same as the compare they're not underpaid but the compare has to be there at 7 30 and is the last person off the stage first person on first person last person off the stage the head person on, first person off, last person off the stage. The headliner, even if you're not doing another gig, what time do I need for quarter past ten? I'll see you at 9.55. Roll in,

you can have tea with your family. I'll watch the first bit. Oh yeah, watch a whole episode. Then I'll go to work while the compere's like, oh what's your name? Oh really? Happy birthday, Claire. Fucking nightmare. Right right but i'm telling you man i'm ready i know there's there's more shutdown to go but i'm ready i've got four new bits and if you look at them as a new premier league team coming through i'm going to keep two

old veterans i'm going to keep them from the old team and i've got one absolute worldy young lad i've sketched it down i think it's a belting bit it's going to be fucking great team and i've got one absolute worldy young lad i've sketched it down i think it's a belting bit it's going to be fucking great and then i've got three ideas that are probably going to be youth players that get about four starts in the first team and then get sold to shrewsbury that's how that's going to go i just you know and you're like oh that's a good idea and then you look at it for the third time you're like yeah it's probably dog shit but i just can't wait to say new things you've got an old reliable at the back you've got john terry just there just everything's gonna be fine you had a safe pair of hands i'm a bit of a cunt you

don't really like me anymore but i'll keep the game on our terms and then you've got mbappe and sancho just fucking running around you're not quite sure whether it's going to work properly, but once or twice a week, they're going to put something in the back of the net. Yeah, and then you've just got... I've probably got a couple of those ideas. I'm looking at them going, you might not even get a first-team start, mate.

You might be like one of those ones. Yeah, he got a youth contract at Liverpool, but now he plays... He gets run off on Tuesdays when I'm getting paid a hundred quid. He's not a, he's not a 200 quid on a Saturday night level play. I've got some Carabao's. I've got some Carabao cup.

Jilly being in Texas that got very niche that got very fucking niche. But yeah, yeah. It's not just that we've got another Texan listener, you know, today. Yeah, but he's a scouts and just that we've got another texan listener you know oh yeah but he's a scout and listeners we've got loads of aussies we've got loads of people across mainland europe oh um can you be like what is this hot water what the fuck was that what what was what was hancock in front of

this is the most orwellian 1984 shit and then they saw the pictures and the huge mark hancock at the nhs thing and the hot water pipes and it just said hot water in blue and hot water was trending on my main twitter news thing and it had like 20 000 tweets i was like holy shit the lads are gonna fucking love this and then as i was going into the tweet i was like someone's died i was like how many policemen have rushed the club while it was closed to get 20,000 retweets shall we crack this fucker on i'd like to tell you about trans alloy wheels limited for Quran. customer. Trans alloy wheels and I'm deadly serious when I say it's the best finish I've ever seen on the set of wheels. Their attention to detail is commendable. We add value to your car at low cost with specialist trained technicians and the latest tech and experience using the same factory manufacturing techniques as the biggest car companies. We can repair the wheels

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We've got five star Facebook reviews. Find old Google review. We've got five-star Facebook reviews. Find us on Facebook, Insta, or online. That is Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Ah, thank you. Okay, boys, let's do another feature already. We've got some breakup stories, Adam. Have we really? We've got a couple, and I just thought we asked for them, and people have helped out.

We've got a couple, and I just thought we asked for them, and people have helped out. Now, again, if you send anything in to us at haveawordpod at gmail.com, try and avoid Twitter, Instagram, or sending it individually, haveawordpod at gmail.com. I'm so sorry if you've sent something in and you're like, well, oh, you've not got around to my thing. We get a load of stuff in.

Do send your stuff in, your stories why oh you've not got around to my thing we get a load of stuff in do send your your stuff in your stories anything you've got your breakup stories your dead granddad stories we've had some absolute blinders anything you think any questions anything you want to have you want us to have a word with one of your friends or family members do let us know have a word pod at gmail.com These breakup stories have just come in, and because we asked for them specially, I thought we'd give them a crack. So, this one wants to be kept anonymous. Fucking pussy.

Oh, Jesus. It's just one of his very first breakups. Can I just say, sorry, before we start, because I've just said, oh, Jesus. Someone messaged us on Twitter yesterday and said the one thing I want on the first piece of merch that you guys put out is, oh, Jesus. I was like, we can't do that because we've kind of stolen that from another comic. Right. So here's something that Danny Mac wouldn't do in a podcast.

He wouldn't say oh gee because that's me and Adam that's a little in joke for anyone that knows Bill Burr's podcast that's the month that's from the Monday morning podcast

it's what old Billy Red Bulls he says all the time oh gee and that's just it's we're not stealing it it's just a reference

to it it's just a it's definitely that's right that's the right word Adam and if you put it on a piece of merchandise you're mad as a fucking homage you've sucked off a homage

in a fucking homage bar go on you've got a break up story yeah you can't put oh Jesus on a fucking mug because then it's not a homage then it's theft it's intellectual property homage then it's theft it's intellectual property and then beyond that there's christians going well actually

all right alan and dave yes mate yes anonymous good what for the first time ever someone's fucking with roland's name. All right. Do you know what? I've got to tell you something here. Now, this is not going to help me long term because everyone's going to start calling me Alan now for almost no reason. I can't remember what it was.

My nickname for about four years at school was Alan. It's a fucking unimaginative mate you had at school I bet when Thigh Eye came out They were like Whoa we've really upped our game on this one lad Well Thigh Eye came first I had Thigh Eye And I had Quasimodo

Oh Adam Oh no He's got a lazy eyelid hasn't he so Oh but that I mean Fucking hell Thigh Eye's creative A hunchback of Dovecock shops Danny so oh but that I mean fucking hell thigh eyes creative hunchback of

dove cock shops yeah when I got to like year nine my nickname became Alan right do you remember why

I can't remember why but I can't believe whoever's written in has called me fucking Alan well yeah do you know what

it's weird what sticks we had a mate growing up called Alistair and we started all calling him steve and he hated it so it stuck i really think it's one of them where you're like if he'd have just gone well he went why why the fuck you calling me steve and then like absolute piranhas everyone's like call him steve call him steve and never call him alistair and honestly it lasted fucking years and then someone goes why

why what's that about you know oh i don't know we're dickheads it just came out of nowhere all right alan and dave this is off the fucking tracks how's it going got a bit of a breakup story for you gonna make it short and sweet because it's a proper bad one was 16 years old at the time already i'm gonna give him a pass on this you fucking break up at 16 yeah aren't you was 16 years old at the time went out with a girl for two months which when you're six you are in hindsight when you look back and go oh i was 16 that wasn't heartbreak that was just me being a whinger because i was 16 but when you're actually 16 that was just me being a whinger because I was 16 but when you're actually 16

it's the end of your fucking world oh god I went out with a girl called Nikki Clark who wasn't the hairdresser and when I dumped her I had the heartbreak fucking weird little kid that I was I remember trying to get up once and my heart was so

I was like I can't get out of bed it was so and now if Laura had an affair and left me, I'd be like, that's absolutely fine, but if you fuck with my shed... That's how things have changed. One, you're a bastard and I couldn't get out of bed, and now I just want my tools.

Go on. You mentioned hairdresser there. I had another nickname at school for a while, which was... It was a long one, but it was, me auntie's a stylist now what happened was um so what happened was i i asked my mom could i um could i start putting gel in my hair and making it spiky this was in like year seven or year eight i know where this is going i just

i just had the front of my hair like sp up, so everything else was flat down with gel. But just the front spiked up like the Statue of Liberty, right? Every time you had an ice cream, hold it up, lad! Hold it up! You fuck! Oh, shake a usey! And I come in with my hair like that for the first day.

I remember it was yesterday. We were in technology class, you know, where you're making like woodwork and shit. And me mates were all like, what the fuck have you done to your head? And I was like, it looks boss. What are you talking about? Because I loved it.

I was like, it looks amazing. And they were like, you look like a knobhead, right? So I went, well, who the fuck are you to tell me that my hair looks shit, my auntie likes it, and she's a stylist? And your nickname was the phrase you used. Can I just say, that is absolutely not true. She's not a stylist. She never has been.

I just wanted to defend me haircuts. And then for like a year and a half, I'd walk in and be like, all right, me auntie's a stylist, lad. Oh God. How, mate, you're fucking, we were doing one syllable, just like dad names.

You guys were doing fucking, like actually ripping off as a nickname a phrase you used in self-defense yeah little fucking bastards funny though who was your first love the statue of liberty it's not there with a fucking cornetto It's not there with a fucking cornetto. Bring me your fucking huddle masses. Fan art, guys. Fan art.

fan art guys fan art I want Adam Rowland as the statue of liberty with a fucking cornetto in the hand

and his face and some fucking 90 early noughties like and then me auntie's a stylist please

for the love of shit someone who's got photoshop and some time I'm stood there with me gammy eye Rowey can you see? You've got a fire. Quasimodo.

Oh, please. If someone does a really good fan art of that, I'll stick it in the fucking studio when we get the studio i've just there's something classic about never mind lions maybe a lion in the background but oh who was your it was your did you have a girlfriend at 16 say that again sorry did you have a girlfriend at 16 um your ma was your girlfriend. Sorry, go on. Like you just, none of us would in like serious relationships,

but we were just like, we'd always sort of fucking around with different girls. And just had a couple of kids, like 20 lads and like 20 girls. And it was like one big swinging session, to be honest with you. One day you'd be necking that one. The other day you'd be necking her.

Do you remember how, how fucking quickly you got over it like oh my god I'll never forget you Becky eight days later oh yeah

that was years ago that was years ago eight days that was an hour and a half you've been amazing college dues where you got off with five girls

don't leave me I could never live without you Beck honestly I swear to god an hour and a half later you're fingering a mate. I've moved on. Adam, it's time to get out there and finger new women.

College dues. How many girls do you get off with? We used to get off with as many girls as you could get. Oh, college dues How many girls do you get off with? We used to get off with as many girls as you could get It literally just became Like fucking pumping the stats up Five got off with five girls Like, yeah man, I got off with six Absolutely

It was all quantity over quality, wasn't it? Fucking hell, thank god COVID-19 wasn't knocking about In the late 90s in Preston. You've had a fucking nightclub full of college-do kids just dead by the end of the night. We used to have something called the Frenzy, which...

That's the most aggressive branding for a college-do. Yeah, we used to call it a college-do, now we call it a Frenzy. You're going to shit yourself with excitement in a second. This wasn't a college. This was like in year five and six. How old were you? Like ten.

So, it was like a school disco sort of thing, but it wasn't at the school. It was at a function room in Hyten called the Hyten Suite. And you'd just go there as like an eleven, ten year old, and the objective was to just neck as many girls as you possibly could.

Speed snogging. Yeah. Wow. Was there any music? Was there any music? It just sounds so grim. In my head I'm like, was there, like, dancing? Was there, like, punch or something?

It just sounds like dogfighting with horny children. Like, your fucking mum and dad come in with you on a chain. Like, hey, look at him. Look at him. He's a fucking feisty one. Let's go on, Alan, you fucking dickhead. Yeah, it was like classics back then as well. Now, usually I don't do this, but I'll go ahead and give a little kiss to the remix.

Now I'm not trying to be a fool. Ain't pretty good for you. Give me that boop boop. Give me that peep peep. Blue da ba dee da. And it's easy singing that because they're not really rapey fuckers, you know? My mind's telling me no. Yeah, I think I kissed a girl to R. Kelly singing Remix to Ignition

and I reckon she was still older than the one he fucking wrote it about. What? fucking wrote it about oh god well that first section was very career based and serious wasn't it but what was what are we on about

so you've got a break up argument it's not going to be as good, is it? I've just got the image of you, like horny little fucking 10-year-old Adam on a dog lead, like, whoa, Adam, we're not even in there yet, lad. Just ready to... There's some acts of dick reduction surgery as well. Oh, ready to go.

Fucking 11 inches smaller and walking. Walking in a straight line for the first time in his childhood. There he is, big dick off to the left. We had to get his dick tracked and balanced. Yeah, Adam's not good on sports day because his massive knobs are real hindrance. Yeah, Adam's not good on sports day because his massive knobs are a real hindrance. He started off in the 100 metres and he ended up at the fucking

Church of England school around the corner. I was good at rounders, though. He put me on the bat. Just gets one erection. Home run. Fuck, he's still doing it. Off he goes. Just gets one erection.

Home run. Fuck, he's still doing it. Off he goes. I don't give a fuck what this kid's written. It doesn't matter. Can we just move on? Just swing in your big child dick. Boom.

Hello. Oh, God. swinging your big child dick. Boom! Hello? Oh, God. I hope everyone else thinks this is funny otherwise this is the worst podcast ever oh god this isn't even the drinky one this is the sober one before the drinky one oh my god

oh it's my wife's birthday and she's just, I can hear her she's in the other room and I can think she just heard me shout child's dick. Happy birthday to you. Was 16 years old at the time. I can't even remember the story. He's not very proud of this one. I mean, let's just see how it goes.

Was 16 years old at the time. Went out with a girl for two months, which when you're 16 is the equivalent of being married for 14 years. Broke up with her, overtext, stone cold killer, and half an hour later asked if she thought, text her again and asked her if she thought this other girl would want to go out with him. He said, not exactly my proudest moment.

Yeah. I mean, in my head I'm like, 16 and he was thick but that is fucking super stupid in it oh why are you crying i gave you 30 minutes fuck you you don't even know the other girl oh oh text when i was fucking 16 what year was that 1997 did we even have phones yeah 1897 you had to ring hello hello how are them three operator operator finger blaster lady yeah you had to ring if you wanted to ring a girl's house, you had to speak to her dad. That was always fucking brutal. Did you ever get rejected by one of the dads?

Did you ever get a... I'm not having any talks of fucking you, mate. Yeah, I mean, at the time, you'd be like, girls who you liked, and they'd have grump, you'd be a bit scared of their dad. You'd be like,

you don't fuck with, never go anywhere near Lauren's house. Lauren was fit, and you'd be like, girls who you liked, and they'd have, like, grumpy, you'd be like, a bit scared of their dad, you'd be like, you don't fuck with, never go anywhere near Lauren's house, Lauren was fit, and you'd be like, but her dad, does not fuck about, like, piss off,

like, really like, straight, even sees you anywhere near the end of the drive, out of the door, telling you to fuck off, and then there was other, and now,

at the time, you're like, he's just grumpy, or like, someone, like, that girl's dad's sound, and you realise,

they just knew exactly what you were about, you were 15, 16, and you're like he's just grumpy or like someone like that girl's dad's sound and you realize they just knew exactly what you're about you were 15 16 you're just like little fucking alan on a chain like a rabid horny little dog at the fucking front door and like some dad's like yeah no it's fine and then those ones that were being dicks about it were just like yeah i know exactly why you're here get the fuck away from my house it just becomes that bit bit in bad boys you know where where will smith martin laurence and the guy knocks on the door favorite scene apart that my favorite scene in any film is when the joker interrupts the gangsters meeting yeah yeah in the the dark night when the chinese fellas on the the telly. That's my favorite scene. My second favorite scene is

Reggie. Who the fuck is Reggie? How old are you? 16. Motherfucker, you at least 30. It's Will Smith spitting it

because he's acting like a pissed up gangbanger who's just got out of prison. I just got out of jail and I ain't going back. I ain't going back. I made love to a man that want to that if anyone is thinking about being a becoming a dad at any point when

it must have happened within about i'd say it was about 15 seconds when we found out at the scan at the 20-week scan what uh what sex our child first child was going to be and they were like it is do you want to know we were like yeah now it's a girl and i was like oh my god and laura cried and like oh it's like that's exciting and about 15 seconds later i was will smith and martin lawrence from fucking bad boys going motherfucker you were at least 30 you instantly just become that like um yeah being 16 was fucking tumultuous but yeah fucking texting your mate texting to be like um what's your mate saying i think i mean this is a super long term but i'm assuming this podcast is going to run forever until one of us dies i reckon hey it's time your daughter says can a boy come and pick

us up me and you should recreate that scene and they will be so young they'll be like why are they doing references from olden day films that's when you'll be old as well yeah that's the equivalent of like us doing it now and referencing like a Charlie Chaplin film now you come here see so that was we did one break up story and just wandered off

okay it's so good though it's great We did one breakup story and just wandered off. Okay. It's so good, though. It's great. I've got another. We've got more. Come back to it. That's too good.

Oh, I've had such a good time. I need a little bit of a relax while we speak to a sponsor. Here's Vauxhall Comedy Club. Now then, everyone, let's have a quick word about Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London town. Now, obviously, there is a fucking pandemic going on. No one's going comedy for a while. But as soon as they are, if you live anywhere near London, if you're down visiting in London, and you fancy some stand-up, some of the best comics in the world will be playing Vauxhall Comedy Club,

which is, surprise the fucking prize, in Vauxhall. So basically, they've helped the podcast out massively by sponsoring it in our time of need. And when we're out of the fucking bunker, when we do our first live tour of this podcast, the Have A Word Show for London will be at the Vauxhall Comedy Club. If you're down there

and you fancy seeing some standup after the apocalypse, give Vauxhall Comedy Club a try. In the meantime, give them a follow on Instagram at Vauxhall Comedy Club, on Twitter at Vauxhall Comedy, and on a follow on Instagram at Vauxhall Comedy Club, on Twitter at Vauxhall Comedy, and on Facebook they're just Vauxhall Comedy Club. Join the mailing list so they can tell you

when they're reopening and what they're doing. It's VauxhallComedyClub.com. Adam's already played this room. I'm really looking forward to playing it. They do a bottomless booze ticket on a Friday and Saturday night. You get 90 minutes of stand-up, excellent TV comedians, up-and-coming talent, and also bottomless beer and wine.

There's a Spirit and Mixer ticket for £35. There's just entry for £10. Be a good egg, give them a little follow, and we'll see you there after all this shit has blown over. Vauxhall Comedy Club, that's it. You are listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It's Have a Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. That was so funny.

I haven't laughed like that in ages. Oh, I love it when you and me catch each other like that. God almighty. Oh. So, got the Have a Word section. Time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. Send us all the problems that you have with your friends. He's tired from laughing.

That's why it's not something. I've got a message for us though, which is sort of about yesterday's episode. So yesterday, we had someone get in touch about the old dribbling in your pants

after your renaissance. Oh no. You know when you get a bit of piss in your kegs? Remember that, Daniel? Yeah, yeah. So someone called Tomo got in touch with us via Instagram. It says, Adam, just listening to your latest podcast

and have some wise words to pass on. I am up to the part where you were talking about dribbling after a piss. I am 32, and up until two years ago, I always suffered from this. Sometimes I'd have a little dab of bog roll to speed up the shape process. So he'd just dab it with a bit of...

He'd wipe his dick basically the same way you would wipe your bum. Although probably with not as much velocity. Anyway, one of my mates caught me doing the little dab of toilet roll. Oh God. How? how did that happen just checking you've you've shaked dave it's not like there's toilet roll accessible like

urinal either you were sharing a cubicle together or it was in your bathroom while you were having a piss i always take kleenex to the urinal and then you've got a little fucking piss hanky and that's even worse. One of my mates caught me doing a little dab on a toilet roll. And after the inevitable ripping, he passed down some amazing information. Which is, get your

balls out when you go for a piss. Next time you do it, try it. Feels a bit weird, but no more dribbling after putting your member away. Changed me life. You need to inform the masses. You're welcome. Sorry for not emailing, but I was in a rush to share this information.

Tomo. So what was he doing? Just lowering the elasticated line under the dick and then over the balls? Yeah. I already lower it below the balls I do as well and I'm so glad that we're on the same fucking page here this is mental

who just gets their willy out of course that's going to make you dribble more because you're going to trap the pipe in the elastic and it's going to keep some of the you're doing an asphyxia piss every time you're... You're literally... You're strangling your dick.

Tomo the dick strangler. That's who's fitting in. Who chokes their dick? You know what? This is what made me think of. Why is there a... On boxer shorts and stuff, why is there a little...

Like, who has ever stuck their dick through the hole? Me. What? Who's weed through... I've just got a runny gun. I just get my dick and balls out the hole. What, pull it through? Yeah.

No, no. It's Adam Lyon. No, no, no. This is all... No. Why is this weird? It's there for a reason. You pull your dick and your balls through,

you have a piss, you shake, you spray it with deodorant and you put it back in. Is this how you knew your dick was too big as a child when you couldn't fit your big dick through the Y-fronts? Yeah.

I had to get specially made undies for about six months. Like trying to put a shoe box through a letter box. Like, what the

fuck? It won't fit. I love it how he's, I just stopped everything and I've had to

message you on social media. I needed to get this information because now I realise there's a whole world of lads, elasticates, asphyxia pissing. I don't think they are, are they?

No, I'm not. Write in to us, tweet us, and let us know if you just get your willy out or you get your dick and your balls out. Which one is it? Do you go full dick and balls? That'll be option A. I'll do a poll on Twitter.

Is it full dick and balls or is it just your little member? Which one do you do? Because we think Tomo is fucking mental. Okay. I remember Daniel Kitson, one of the greatest standups in British comedy history, just doing a great bit where he's like,

do you ever just do a, do you ever enjoy doing a poo so much that you take your pants off to really savour it? Have you ever done that? Where you just, you know you need a poo and you just literally take all your pants off and go naked from the waist down to have a shit? No. You've never done that?

You mean, like, not have your pants around your ankles, literally take them off your ankles? Just take them off and just, like, literally poo completely free? No. I only do that sometimes. I feel weird. Like, I sleep naked. Right. There's a nice visual for you. But if I get up in the middle of the night for a shit...

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I sleep naked, but if I get up in the middle of the night for a poo, after I've done having a poo, I have to put undies on. Because you're a gentleman on because you're a gentleman because you're a gentleman because you're

no longer no come on yeah of course that makes total sense who sleeps are you really sleeping naked middle of winter if I could if I wasn't with Jade in the middle of winter I would sleep totally naked with the window open while it was snowing.

I like the room being cold so that I can warm myself up. I've got a theory. You can always warm yourself up. Very hard to kill yourself down. I'm on that. Never mind. Get your balls out while we're in.

Little fucking thermostat over here. It's not actually... It's not bad. You can... Yeah, I get it. Would you have to have the heating on? Would you have to have the heating on while the window was open in the middle of winter? No! I don't like the heating on ever.

Unless I'm trying to dry clothes. Yeah, you've got some... This is a... I like being cold. I'm a hot-blooded big lad independent black woman mama like mama like oh do you want to have a word i do that was a really good one i love it when people do stupid shit like that hi adam and dave he. He called me Adam. Fuck you. Hi, Adam and Dave. I just want to start off by saying I'm loving

the podcast I've been listening from the start. Nice one, Curtis, bro. I'd like you to have a word with all these people that think it's okay to set fireworks off during the clap for the NHS. So if no one's aware of this, if you're listening from abroad, at the minute in the UK,

every Thursday at 8pm, people go out onto their streets and they clap their hands for our national health services, nurses and doctors who are helping the country get through the coronavirus. He wants us to have a word

with the people who set fireworks off during this time. He says, I get what they want to celebrate and that the NHS deserves this, but the fireworks have to stop it's causing distress to all the dogs and not to mention it could be counterproductive you can injure yourself using a firework and if you end up in the icu you're taking a bed up that could be used by somebody with the rona thanks lids have a word from Curtis. What do you reckon on that, Daniel? Yeah, Curtis is absolutely bang on.

November the 5th, let them all let it go. Let them go. Love it. I love fireworks. I think it's great fun. I'm not even, I'm not a fan on New Year's Eve. It's like, this is very American. I've been in the States on New Year's Eve.

They don't have bonfire night. They let theirs rip on Independence Day in the middle of summer, and they go New Year's Eve. They don't have bonfire night. They let theirs rip on Independence Day in the middle of summer and they go New Year's Eve. It's really loud at midnight. So that's different. But over here on New Year's Eve, I'm like, oh, you fucking bellends.

It's only, and also, you can almost understand the Americans doing it. What is it? July the 4th, Independence Day and then New Year's Eve. But like when you've had November the 5th, like who's a month and a half, two months later going, let's do it again?

That's just annoying. And right now, Curtis, you bang on. I tell you what, that is very astute to say that. And it's rough cunts as well, isn't it? Let's be honest. There's no fucking middle class. There's no archaeologist or like, oh, I tell you what, darling, I think we should really show our support fully

with a good firework display to say thank you to social workers carers nurses and doctors it's just fucking rough ass cunts well i like taking the opposite side to you as you know because i think it's funny but i i can't disagree with this as as you all know, I've got my dog, little Minnie the Minstrel, and she... Why are you laughing at? You just, you really... There's a couple of things that are weird with you, where we just, you've got a very defined personality,

and I think it's why a lot of the people love your stand-up and this podcast. But if you go, you can get diverted by a couple of things. Liverpool Football Club, it stops being funny instantly. It's no jokes, end of jokes. And Mini the Minstrel, you actually said that with thousands of people listening. I've got a dog, Mini the Minstrel. It's so out of character.

It's almost disturbing. You know, baby, Minnie the Minstrel. I know, I know. You're going to be a great dad one day. Minnie Minstrel! That's why there's showers across the park. Minnie Minstrel! Come here, baby.

Who's a good girl? Minnie! Anyway. I've got Minnie the Minstrel. What? This is weird. This is funny. I've got Minnie the Minstrel. What? This is weird. This is funny. I've got Minnie the Minstrel, the dog,

and she is petrified of fireworks. If a firework went off now, and people have been setting off during the day, which is fucking weird, by the way. If a firework went off now, she'd go and hide in her bedroom. She's got her own bedroom, by the way. It's under the stairs. There's dog wallpaper under the stairs. She's got a little Harry Potter bedroom. She's got her own bedroom, by the way. It's under the stairs. There's dog

wallpaper under the stairs. She's got a little Harry Potter room. It's dog wallpaper. Dog bed in there. Minion and Minstrel's little house. There's a little sign that hangs. There's no door in it anymore. It's just a gap. We've took the door off. And there's a little sign that hangs from the doorframe that says, Dogs welcome. Humans tolerated.

It's adorable. She will go and stay in that bedroom all day. She won't eat. She won't sleep properly. She'll refuse to go out for a walk if a firework goes off. It's horrible. Now, if it was up to Jade, if Jade was prime minister, she would ban fireworks completely,

including November the 5th, including New Year's Eve. She'd ban them completely. I wouldn't go that far. I think November the 5th is a tradition, and New Year's Eve as well, I think, is another one. I know they're quite close together. I get what you're saying, but I think it's a long-held tradition. I go, do you know what? Those two nights, your dog just

has to be a bit scared, but every fucking Thursday at the minute, they're going off, and me dog shitting itself, mate, and I'm having fucking none of it anymore. If I see anyone with a fucking firework, I am going to write a strongly-worded letter to your MP. Oh my God, get the ombudsman involved. If I see anyone with a fucking firework, I am going to write a strongly worded letter to your MP. Oh my god, get the ombudsman involved. If you

fucking fired a firework, I'll fucking fire a firework at you. And that's how nuclear war starts. Yeah, alright. I'm with you, man. It's very sensible. It's rough content, innit? It's just rough, selfish dickheads.

Stop being classist just because you've got a fucking four-bedroom house in Chester. The kind of bellends that are like, we've all bought quads. Should we ride them around without helmets and terrorise people? That's the same cunts.

And when you used to have a go at me for getting angry at the end. That just pisses me off just be better humans have you seen that video from last night on Westminster Bridge have you seen it

no last night for the clap to the NHS at 8pm a load of police cars stopped on Westminster Bridge they put all their sirens on and they did a big clap to the NHS but there was also about 500 people on the bridge all crammed right they did a big clap for the NHS. But there was also about 500 people on the bridge, all crammed right next to each other, clapping for the NHS.

And it's like, you gang of fucking dickheads. What's the message here? You know what? We really appreciate you so much that we're willing to risk infecting all each other. We're going to stand next to each other. We'll clap you. But one of us might end up needing your care in a couple of days. Stupid,

selfish, gobshite cunts. Right, we've got an idea. Here at the Heightened Suite, we've got a great idea to support the NHS. Every Thursday at 8pm, we're having the frenzy back. Get your kids, get them down, we'll have the fucking clap.

It's fucking insane. And the police, there's police stopping people in Liverpool at the minute, questioning where they're going. They're stopping cars going, what journey are you making? Is this essential?

You go in the shop, is it for essential items or do you just want some chocolate? We want to know exactly what you're fucking doing. There's a load of fucking busies on this bridge, just watching people

all crammed together. They're holding kits and everything. There's old people there and they're doing fuck all. It's a joke. It's a fucking joke, mate. If one of them set a firework off, Adam would lose his actual mind at this point. Oh, that's a pardon.

Oh, beautifully done. Beautifully done. And we'll see you, Tomozzi's for the lockdown, lock in, do you fancy it? you got a bev in you? I'll have a bev in you, yeah I'll have a few jars with you I'm going to go and get some, I've got no beer left

and I don't want to drink gin again, I'm going to go and get some beers from the shop in a minute is this essential? I need to do a big shop anyway so go fuck yourself. So got a song for you. Today's band is called Hegarty. Now Hegarty have been featured on the podcast before.

They're very popular with our listeners, Hegarty. And they've got a brand new single coming out on Monday. And that's what we're going to play for them today. So when this comes out on Monday, go to all the usual streaming channels. I imagine it's going to be on them all. Amazon, Spotify all that sort of thing

and of course on YouTube this song is called More to Life Than This Hegarty have a Facebook page which is just Hegarty H-E-G-A-R-T-Y they have a Twitter

which is Hegarty Official and lastly their Instagram is We Are Hegarty this is Hegarty the song is More to Life Than This we'll see you tomorrow for the Lockdown Lock-In.

See you later. Bye Felicia. One, two, one, two, three, four. We're leaving empty hands with what we got for what we came We came for retribution to boldly stake our claim Diolch yn fawrdd i fynd i'r llawr. Oherwydd mae'r holl ddau hwn yn anodd i fynd i'r llawr. We have years to exist There's still a year to search The truth goes on There must be more to life than this Yn ystod y cyfnod, mae'r ffordd o'i ddysgu yn Mae'n dda iawn. Mae'n dda iawn. Mae'n dda iawn.

Mae'n dda iawn. Mae'n dda iawn. Mae'n dda iawn. Mae'n dda iawn. Mae'n dda iawn. Mae'n dda iawn. Mae'n dda iawn. Mae'n dda iawn.

Mae'n dda iawn. i'n ei wneud. Precies aan het beleven, een vriend aan mensen nemen. Ik stel me in de zucht, de troep doodzaal, de moed te lijf. Diolch yn fawr iawn am wylio'r fideo. Your trained eyes are dream-seeing clothes My eyes are open, my mind's awoken This ain't no fleeting dream I'm still in heaven, search for truth goes on There must be more to life than this Y bywyd a'r dymuniaeth Uh, ah, uh, ah, uh, ah, uh Uh, ah, uh, ah, uh, ah, uh