Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #351 with Tom Stade - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: October 19, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsor:Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Betterhelp 👉 Be at your best.Consider therapy with our paid partner, BetterHelp.Click https://betterhelp.com/word10 for a 10% discount on your first month of therapy.ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to this Haverwood podcast episode. Oh, new ting at the top. No ting. Because you and I, Carl, are very excited about the second Have a Word arena show, the extravaganza coming on Saturday, the 20th of December, the Year of Our Lord, 2025. We actually sat down in a day and rattled out the show, and we said, bigger and better. We didn't mean this bigger than this better, but we've done it. I'm excited.

I'm excited for everyone to see it. What we've booked is a job. joke and we can't wait to show you day. It's actually can't believe we've done it, but we've done it. Tickets at have a wordpod.com. So go and get your tickets. If you've been um and a a R in, now is the time to do it. But what have you thinking, Dan? I want to get a ticket, yeah. Just before Christmas,

isn't it? It's very Christmas. I don't know what to wear to such an event. Hello. What could they wear, Dan? Oh, that is beautiful. Have a way. Christmas jumpers. Now these aren't like a jumper with a print on. These are a knit. proper jumper. Do you want to read it then? Yeah, it's beautiful. It says Wallace

beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Wallace beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Do you know what? Navy blue doesn't suit me so well. I'm more of a Redsman. Oh, shit. Look at this. And who's that?

I don't know, but it looks like Paul Lynch. It looks like Paul. It looks like Paul. We've got some amazing options. Everyone in the Christmas jumpers, it's going to be amazing. It's going to be the last good thing you do before Christmas. It's going to be the best thing.

It's a Christmas part. party. So you want to come up, show on your colours. You're wearing red, you're in blue, you're supporting the pod. You love the stuff and you know, you love us. And for the audio listeners, they look great. Tickets and merch. When's this going to be available soon? Oh, this is meant a

swoon. Tweak a nipple. It's going to be released. And we're taking pre-orders on them, so, you know, get your pre-orders in fast. Havewordpod.com. Enjoy the episode. It's going to be... It's going to be a belter. Oh, yeah. Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game From the Heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn

This is the one and only have a word Brought to you by Monscape The Very Best Products on the Market for Below the Waste Groomer Go, Ed, get on me Hello, Adam What's this little shirt you've got? It's a jag, Flamengo, it's not Flamenco, that's the dancing, is it?

The Brazilian titan of football is Flamengo. Do you think they've gone pink this year? Because it's like Flamingo? I don't know if Brazil's there with the old LGBTQ plus. Oh, you actually meant flamingos? Yeah. Oh, I thought you. Did you know Flamingos lose their pink when they're, like, stressed?

Their pussy goes away? No, their colour. I've lost me pink. Oh, babe, you've proper lost your pink. Do you prefer of pink pussy or a brown one? You can't really tell. We're just doing some nature stuff, animals, it's playful.

It's a football shirt, it's a flamingo. This could be people's first ever podcast. Oh, they're doing out, they're doing look and now the pussies, yeah. Hello, them pink pussy, them blue pussy. I like a tucked pink me. Oh. No, but that's the fucking... Like a cabbage leaf purple.

Oh, brother. I've had one of them. welcome everyone how are you how you didlin just in case anyone just like is looking at Dan front on because I can see him from the side and it is a cap and not a do rag

just so we said the same thing we've had this chat rah imam dan and fucking podcast you out bro wait a bit a bit a bit do rag

imam and then you went to imam we both said it was more Muslim adjacent when you walk when I walked I was like oh dan stress is an imam I thought you thought, you know...

Imams don't wear flamango or eight kits as far as... They do in their spare tar. Imams don't wear do rags. You don't know that. We're about on the day off. Yeah? Oh, sorry, yeah, yeah. When they go to R&B night.

When they go to dance hall, Imam at the dance hall. What do they... Would they wear a hat like that, don't he? Yeah, I know what you mean. Like a peakless hat. It's a... Yeah.

Okay, thanks. There just isn't enough top of my head with this one, is it? Is this one of the kits that didn't use to fit you? It's one of my DHGate one. ordered them a year ago, spent about 80 quid, got up 400 shirts from China, and I was very aspirational in the ordering. I was like, I know they fit tight, but I'm about to lose some weight. 13 months later, yes, I have lost some weight,

and I'm going to be showcasing them and then possibly... What are you losing weight for? What are you doing the gym stuff for? What's the point? Aesthetics? Is it just to look better than feel yourself? Because I've been... I think we just talked about this,

didn't we? I've been doing weights to feel stronger and get shoulders more. Like, what's the point in? Oh, smash more pus.

I've got a purple cabbage at home. No, but genuinely, like, I am all with you. Oh, sorry, I've been doing gardening.

Oh, you thought I meant Laura's no. I am. Lovely vagina. Is it? Can I just say, I hope you were just going to get caught

in your own thoughts and miss it? The answer is, Yes, Dan, move on. I just don't think it needs to comment it. It's mine. Whether I like it or not. It's definitely hate.

No, it's a, listen, it's a live sentence to that, bus, bus, and I am happy. But this, take me to jail. Are you, because a lot of people lose weight and put beef on, either, like, to attract more women or for, like, a movie role. Well, Evan, I'm really, I'm really glad you asked. One, I do want to attract more women. And they have them be like, fuck, and I'll down, look at you.

And I'll be like, back off. but I'm also in the new Mission Impossible Are you the next Batman? Yeah Oh yeah I'm sorry Batman

I mispronounced Batman It's called The White Night Rises Batman impossible Just me with a fucking Union Jackard You know why Who's Batman again

What's his name? Robert Patton Bruce where you? No, the actor Christine Bail He's got at that isn't he? He's gonna die

He's got that like He's a method He lost loads For the machinist Machinist, yeah. Do you think you could do that? If you... What, to Dallas Buyers Club myself?

Yeah, but like if you got offered that role now, like genuinely, like if they made Dallas Buyers Club too, this time it's Climidia or whatever. Do you lose as much weight? They've gone a lot more playful, haven't they? In the sequel, they've got a playerful. Cancer then, right? Alim.

You know what? We'll go back to Climidia. This time it's cancer. house he keeps surviving in fact he doesn't yeah quite famously

yeah you're not playing Matthew McConahey he ain't buying no more oh I'm playing me I'm not playing Matthew McConaugh all right all right all right hang on you're dead mate

oh are you breaking the fourth wall within the movie of all the movie Matthew McConaughey just does his own movie quote all atop I don't know if you've ever watch a Matthew McConaughey

film but he name checks himself a lot if Matthew McCona Hayes. Do you reckon you could lose another, like, six stone? What I'm saying is, would you? So, like, someone comes in and goes, we're making Dallas Byers Clubs too, and it's, like, bad AIDS this time. Like, fucking...

This time, it's bad aid. These taglines write themselves, right? It's like Ice Age, too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Heavy AIDS? Oh, that'd be awful if you got fatter and died. Well, that's the...

What I'm asking is, and they come to you and they go, right, there's the script. Right. Your character is 45 stone when he gets eight. Right. So we need you to put on. 32.

32 stone. Right. And then lose. 38, yeah. So you're down to seven. But like, you know, six months. This is going to be the biggest movie of 2029.

Right. What's the limit on OZemPEC? How much can you actually inject into your eyeballs? But they can't get insurance for OZMPICs. You've got to do it to starve. Oh, it's got to be, oh, natural. You look like a flying squirrel. What'd you do it?

Can you be my agent for this? How much are we talking? They come initially with 6 mil. Whoa. It's the biggest movie of 2029 is? He's only getting 6 mil. By the way, by the way, if they come initially with 6 mil, there won't be anything after that.

Because I'll say, yes, fam. What? But the big movie in 2020, you want surely 10. The mistake you're making there, Carl is. It's not a household name. I am an unknown. Are you the main lead? Is he the main lead?

Yeah, they've gone rogue. They've gone like, this is England. Do you know what? You've been sacked. We were told you studied drama at Newcastle uni. So that's why we're after you. Well, massively misinformed,

but I'll take the money. I'm sorry, my... Politics. I will... Do you think there was drama as well? You've done drama. He did theatre club. Theater after the one.

I thought you had a drama degree? No. I don't have any degree. And seen. You didn't... What? The amount I've... talked about myself and it's just washed of it.

Yeah, you're nuns from your common school. Not right? You didn't graduate. See, Mary Fugwit. What was it called? You didn't graduate? Burnley. No.

I got back to my film wrong. Dan, um, the Rock got paid $23.5 million for Jamanji. And you're trying to fob me off with six million? Just fucking around the jungle. And 15% of the gross of the film. Oh, me. I want some of that fork in. This time it's bad age.

The highest paid actor in Hollywood is near the Rock, DeWain. Well, I'm not a paid actor at all, so I think six million I'll take. I'll get you 10, but I want two. Yeah, about Simba from the Lion King. Sold. Is he dead?

What did he get? As he's a cartoon. So the young lad, who did the singing. Did the singing for the young Simba with the initial Lion King. He got offered like, I think it was like...

A million. A million quid. And his mum was like, no. Just give us two percent. of the thing and like obviously I think his son was like you want me me she was like shut up

oh she's his scosa um he Alec Guinness Obi-Won Kenobi went no no don't pay me that shit for because they were paying crap fee for Star Wars in 77 the original wasn't expected to be a hit at all I think people were getting like 200 grand

150 grand and he was like no take a it's literally like 1% of he was the famous one in Star Wars it was like it's something like No, that's, that's George Lucas. Let me find out. No, I think it is merch, isn't it? No, that's George Lucas.

Oh, right, okay. I thought it was a pence per cent of the merch. Initial salary of $150,000, $2.25% of the back-end film profits. I don't know if that's the porn or what. Star-ha-hors. So his mum, his mom, Simba's, the lad who sang in Lanking, his mum was like a bit show-busy and fucking saw what was coming.

So what did he get? Really smart. One or two percent of the Lion King. Sick. Nice. What were you? He was offered two million up front. He got $100,000 plus royalties.

Which has worked out at like $15, $20 million or something mental, hasn't it? So. Jason Weaver. Carl, maybe we need to renegotiate for the Dallas Buyers Club too. You want, I'll take 200,000. up front. 85% of the gross. No, just the merch.

Listen, let me try. Just the merch. Yeah, thanks. You just walk around with T-shirt saying I've got the bad heat. Oh my God, come on.

You're really not seeing the long game. Wait till you see those skinny little dolls selling hotcakes. They'll be like the new Buzz Light here, mate. Yeah, they've got hats. Yeah, I'm into it. I get you, I don't want to me. You'd be coming away with 50.

Could, what, so you've got to put on, you've got to put on 30, stone. Yeah. And then lose 35. What timeline are you giving me on this? How, how? Nine months.

Nine, full term. Wow. Right. I don't reckon you could physically put on. If a woman can grow a baby and a pussy, you can put 30 stone on and lose it again. That's an old Greek,

say. Do you reckon you could put 30 stone on? With any timeline. Not where the fucking workouts on. I don't reckon I could. With any time line. Obviously, we're being a bit silly in our hypothetical. Say, like, we'll come back to him five years.

If you put 30 stone on that? Oh, yeah. Five years? No, if you've got, if you're 40-odd stone, 45 stone, we'll give you a mill. I'm going to start drinking like... Well, I wouldn't do it for the mill. Okay, we'd give you 10 mil.

I wouldn't do it for 10 mil. What's the most you can put on weight-wise? I don't have the average heaviest ever person. No, no. How quickly can the body, like, put weight on? Because there is a, there's going to be a physical limitation. Like, I could be having Oreo shakes from five guys seven times a day. Apparently, one pound a week is healthy.

to put on. Yeah, but what if you're trying? I don't think they're recommending it, so it doesn't really give you a... No, I don't. Even one pound a week. It's possible to gain five pounds in a week, though most of it would be water weight and not fat.

Okay, so let's even say three. Let's go right down the middle. That's £150 a year, which is 10 stone. It's nearly 11 stone. I'm not saying you can... I don't think I'd love food that much. No, but if it was you, if you offered me like a bill, I'd do it.

But like, you've ruined your life, though. No, because you've ruined your five years. Yeah, you get surgery or you get. Yeah, but you're not reckon after that five years, you're still a bit fucked, aren't you? Yeah, but I've got a bill. Yeah, which is why I want a bill and not a mill or 10 mil, because at a million pound, you're offering me 200 grand a year

to do nothing but eat. Oh, Sam, that's your quality of life, though, as we get to roll you into the show. studio, like... You'd be like pizza dough all the fucking flat? I'm not gonna do it, by the way. I'm 44.

I don't think my heart survives that hammering. It's not just about putting the weight on the amount of fat that's pumping through your heart. They're gonna kill Denny. Yeah. I won't kill me. And then you want to lose it all.

I could chin milkshakes for... If it was... Yeah, milkshakes, I don't make him as a limer. They're dirty. They're so good. I had one the other day from five guys. It's the best one. What flavor of life? Dead simple.

Vanilla and Oreo. Dead simple. Yeah. That's it. Right. And then I dip my burger in it. Oh. And the chips.

Class. Because it's like an ice cream milkshake. It's properly made. That literally turned me on a little bit because I'm in a Cal Calder. It's a burger in it. Yeah. I've never done that before and I can heartily recommend it. But chocolate and burger?

It's not chocolate, is it? Oreo. Oreo's not chocolate. What is it? It's like dark biscuit. It's like American bourbon biscuit, isn't it? Yeah, but it's... Yeah, but bourbon is chocolate.

It's chocolate E. No, there's chocolate in a bourbon. Yeah, it's probably got some coke up. It's not chocolate, though, but also, I imagine if you put a bit of chocolate on a burger. I'd dip it in the chocolate milkshake, it'd be fine. The sweet and savoury of it, have you done the chips in the milkshake? Yeah, I've done the chips.

And it's nice, isn't it? No, I don't like it. Why? I don't know. You're weird, you know. Yeah, I'm weird. It's just not my thing. And that freaked me out.

I couldn't do the burger thing. Yeah, I just gave it a go, and I enjoyed it? Finn versus Food! You wouldn't dip like a KFC burger, isn't it? Can we do it? Finn versus food and make you eat a cheese? Oh, no, we can't. He's a fucking vegetarian.

Good for you. Yeah. We should that mix and had to eat things, though. Yeah. Oh, why? Because you're more entertaining. But he's not that fussy. What?

It's just the thing is the things that I don't like, I really react badly to. Like when you had that mince? Oh, yeah. When I accidentally ate that mints, that made me feel it ill for the rest of the day. When there was like mince meat, swilling around your stomach.

Yeah. And it went down your throat. We got stuck a bit. Well, I got a bit adventurous when we went for that big meal in Turkey and I had octopus. And then... Some veggie, this one.

Yeah, and I was like... I've had octopus before, I can do it. I'm a vegetarian, apart from fried chicken and octopus. And I tried it and then I had it in my mouth. And then I spent... You just didn't notice, but I just like... At the table. I thought you were just gans.

You've also got some of the same like childlike fussiness that I remember that I'm sort of over now, mainly. But we had a meal recently. which will be documented on an upcoming special where I put some of my food that you won't eat on the plate where you were eating because we had to finish

because I didn't want to offend someone and it touched the food and you went that whole side of the plate's contaminated and I was like oh there it is I remember that you can't yeah it's like I've ordered nachos before and they've had bacon on and they've gone away and just taken the bacon off because I've gone I didn't ask for meat

and I was like, no, I can't eat any of that now. Do you know what I'd do in that situation if I was you? This is who I am. Because I'd know they're going to do that. Yeah. So I'd go, when they brought it over, I wouldn't say, oh, you've got that wrong. If I was like heavily veggie autistic like you are, I'd be like, I wouldn't be like, oh, you've got that wrong. I'd go, I love to do his favour.

Can we have another portion of this exactly the same, but just none of the bacon? Can we just have that? And then when they brought that over, I'd go, yeah, you got that wrong. And he had the old switch to do. and you throw it at them. Yeah. If you're a restaurant and you're taking meat off

an order that wasn't meant have meat on, that's shit. That's bad for... And that's why I've got... Like, I'm sure there'll be a couple of people's initial reaction to that. I'll be like,

oh, fucking Adam, where there's fucking minimum wage, fucking... Yeah, they got something wrong and it's veg... And they will just go and take the meat off. They will.

So I'm just making sure they can't. I'm not taking that out of people's wages, though, are they? No, that's a... That's the company thing. That surely you go, well, that's wrong. But you get a set amount

to waste a day in hospitality. You also can't, you can't take anything out of people's wages like that legally without it being like a... If they're giving food away, like if they're giving foods, they can do that because they're breaking the law, they're breaking rules and stuff.

Right. But you can't... Mistakes. They just retrain you. Yeah, they have to retrain you. They can give you a written warning and go, oh, you've made a mistake. Don't do that again because then you'll get a final warning and go. Good.

I can't dock, yeah. I got banned last week in a restaurant and I had to fill the... accident booking, which was the sexiest thing I've ever done. You want? I burnt my finger. And the manager came over and went,

can you fill the accident book in? I was like, this is so sexy. A really hot, hot plate. Had they warned you, it was a hot plate? No, so it was scallops. And they were in the shell.

And I went to pass one to the end, grabbed it, and the shell had been in the oven. And just fucked me finger up badly. I was like, I didn't tell no one. I just kept it in a glass of water. I should just get over there.

And I mentioned, you're okay? I was like, I've just burnt my finger, it's fine. He's like, I'll get you some gel. I'm like, oh, nice one. The jail propped, and he went, I do need you to fill this in now though, what happened? I was like, I grabbed the shell.

It was like, it was not made up, he went, did the server tell you not to grab the shell? I was like, well, no. He's like, right, okay. So they'll just get retrained. Don't get in trouble. Or trained. They might not have even been told.

Have they done Scollop 101? Yeah, clearly not. Scarlop's a great. Did you get an ouch sticker? Because that's what they do at my kids' primary school. If anything goes in, an incident book, they get a little

ouch sticker. This was an adult restaurant. Did anyone kiss it better? The Amy's from three a round of champagne. That's like a human sticker. A grown-up sticker, in it?

Yeah. I am... Champagne and scallops? I had a fucking... I had an absolute belt of an evening last night, you know? Tell us about it, baby.

Lefty, yeah? Went to M&S, got all the stuff to make a Guinness stew. Sorry, what? Have you ever had stew? Yes, I eat it all the time. It's something that I enjoy.

Mmm, Scouse, Mmm, stew, all of those juices and unnamed things. Ah, let's not do it for Dan versus food because it's something I enjoy too much. It was Scouse Geto Gore. Would you like my recipe, ladies and gentlemen? Maybe we'll do Adam's Recipe Corner once a week. Scouse Geto Gourmes-E.

No. This is, for Adams, Guinness Stu. So I left here went to M&S. Guinness Stew. Here's how you do it. Also, this week, a couple of days ago, bought myself a Lucreusay oval casserole dish.

Dutch oven. What's the cruxie? Lecrucese. It's our brand. It's the brand. It's like pyrecks. In casserole dishes. You'll know what you look like. They're like the coloured ones.

Colourful ones. Can't say that. Listen, I'm a food gimp, and even I... Oh, yeah, I respect La Crucette. Whoa, they're... Oh, yeah, yeah. There's a... No, but I got, so...

There's a thing. Shop in there at Cheshire Oaks. Yeah, they're expensive everywhere, but if you go to Cheshire Oaks, they're already at outlet price, which is like 30% off. And the other day, I went and got the two that there was a promotion on,

which was a further 50% off, the outlet price. What? Come on. You're a jumper the other day. Basically, Coat. Basically four pounds. Yeah, it was on the same trip. I got a coast and two Lucrucée pans.

so not to annoy you what is a shoe what is a stew what is a shoe what is a shoe go smith so here's what you is uh how you doby right i i drifted off already go on i'm gonna really try and focus get home yeah you get home done can you do that get home yeah yeah shut the door turn the alarm off go into the kitchen area yeah right just to make a metal note get an alarm don't do it in the living room go So on your... Already drifting. In your lacrosse pan.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Or any Dutch oven, any pan that is oven safe. Right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Come on, Dan. Your pans are.

Oven safe. Yeah. You get 500 grams-ish. You can have a bit more of. Oh, no, we're talking. Of diced beef. Oh. On a medium heat.

Oh, medium. With some olive oil. just get the meat brown you're not cooking it you're just browning it right you've heard it brown or pink then yeah you take the beef out once it's brown but leave all of its juices and all the oil in yeah you add in your onions your celery oh i love them and a bit of garlic right right for flavor sweat them down get them nice and sweaty yeah yeah add a bit of flour and a bit of tomato paste, get all that wazzo. Yeah, yeah. What's it?

What's it? Then add some rich beef stock in. OXO. Yeah? Sure. Right? Then put your meat back in and a load of cadets back in. Oh, carrots.

Some dry seasoned, my choice. Salt, pepper, onion granules and thyme. Right. Right? Bring that to a nice little boil. Then take it off. Put it in the oven on the lowest temperature you want. Two.

Right? Two agree. So I had it on 140 degrees. Take a while, and then leave it in for about two hours. And then about an hour, about an hour and a half, two hours before you want to eat it.

Take it back out and add a load of potatoes into it as well. Oh, there you go. Something I actually like. Oh, and also when you put the beef stock in initially, you also put a full can of Guinness in. Oh, yeah. And then he just described as stew

and forgot the Guinness. So that's a guinea, yeah. Also put, isn't outside warmer than two? you're essentially cooling it down in the oven. No, but I'll go for one, I'll listen to him. Can you put Captain Morgan's in? Can you do like a spice rum stew? You can do a rum stew, yeah.

Has been silly, can you really? Of course you can put whatever. Like, this is the thing about cooking. You can put whatever you want in anything. It just might taste audible. That is true. You can put vodka pasta is popular, isn't it? The vodka sauce.

Yeah. You can put that pot you over? Yeah. But I put that in the oven at half four yesterday. Right. Went to gym. come back from the gym an hour and a half later

put all the spuds in and it lowered it down to like 1.30 then my Mrs. text me and was like do you mind picking me up from work I'll be done at 7 o'clock and I was like well I'll just go

and I'll go and have a pint wait for this finish I got there at 10 7 chinned a pint she come and met me another pint went and had another pint and then another pint

four pints got a lift home went into the kitchen that the got someone else's car they yeah and it'd been in

for five hours at this point it was delicious and it was burnt you can't burn a stew not in a Dutch oven mate stop saying Dutch oven that's what it's called that's farting and making your missus breathing

that's the other way right death came fish what came fish they didn't go oh we'll name our pans after the fart under the duvet move yeah most people

People when you say Dutch oven aren't thinking of La Crucée. Yeah, they are. No. No, they're not. Everyone's thinking of fire. We were vegetating and two food gins. Are you love? Aya.

Aya. We're just here for some Dutch ovens? Nah. No, the pans? Oh, I thought you made a fire. I think, Carl, what you've done there is taking it out of context. If you walk into La Crucée, the shop, the outlet shop, and Cheshire Oaks and go, I'm here for a Dutch oven.

I think they have every right to be like, yeah, we provide those and not expect to fire at your hands. We're going to do it in the comments. We're going to do it in the comments. We're going to. We're going to do a poll. When you hear Dutch oven, what is the first thing you think of? Garlish with some parsley.

That looks like an advert. Yeah. I don't want to eat your food all the time, but it does look fucking good. It was a fucking, oh, the good of stew, you know. Would you ever have perpetual stew? What?

Petual stew? Perpetual stew. But it never ends. So it's that Chinese stew or whatever where they just have stew on for 200 years. Oh, is it like... It's like a big bowl, not a big bowl, but like a big bowl,

and they have stew and they're just adding stuff to it. And then they eat from it. They eat from it, but they never empty it or wash it. Do you know, if you rebuild the ship, is it still the same stew? Oh, yeah, when's their new stew? But it's always on the boil. Yeah. Consistently.

What if you actually get, so this is the thing... Because what you've just asked there is, before I sort of got into this, was my question, like, well, obviously, if you're cooking for fucking five hours, it's going to be burned. if you've got a lid on something like the lid was on the pan as long as there's water in it it won't burn

because it'll just reduce well no it won't reduce if the lid's on it won't reduce because the steam comes off the food hits the pan lid cools becomes water again and goes back into the oh shit and then to reduce it you put it on the hob and take the lid off

and that's how you reduce it. What's the longest stew ever been cooked must be like Chinese stew literally infinite. It's my mate. Who's he? I'm Chinese stew. I'm Chinese stew. But, um...

Good voice, Dan. It's the same with like Bolognaise. The longer you cook a Bolognaise for, really, the better little taste. 12 days. Is it a perpetual Bolognaz? 51 years. A 51 year stew? In Bangkok.

And it's still going. I'd like to see it. Should we go and try it? That'd be sick. If we went there and that, would you eat that? Yeah. I'd eat a 51-year-old stew. That sounded gay.

Not wrong with that, though, is it done? No, I'm a big fan of the gays. I genuinely am, I think they're brilliant. But I prefer the ones with the sense of humour. You know what I mean? Who are like, yeah, he's sound, it's funny, isn't it? Yeah, you like gay people, you don't like gays. How did your hard are gay?

Can I know what you mean. I don't want to make you jealous, lads, but I've just purchased two of the hottest tickets of 2026. No, you haven't. Yeah, I've been on. Is it arena? Liverpool? Have a word?

That's 2025. going to Luke Coe's? I really... Are you going to Luke Coim? No, I think you've misrepresented the hottest ticket in town. Did you get them? I'm going to go and see

June the 19th. Who's that? Delamere Forest. I'm going to see UB 40. That would be class. Bag the tickets, man. Red, red, white. In the Balinese.

There's a rad in a kid what I'm going to do. I can't wait. Yeah? Yeah. Are they white? One of them isn't. The lead,

Ali Campbell is, is the lead. Alista Campbell is the lead singer. Alistair Campbell's UB40. He's a busy. boy. He was still doing that all throughout the Blair eight years.

Yeah, he's, you know, mass spin doctor. So UB's Umbro as well. He's a DJ? It's Umbro, big Umbro fans. Are they big umbrow fans? That's what they got in from. We love Umbro. Can't use that, UB. 40.

Right. Isn't it your unemployment form? No, it's Umbro? Isn't that a P45? Yeah, initially they were called P-45. Brain full of ashes and a B-45. I can't wait. It's the first time Laura's gone,

oh, I really want to see that. And instead of, like, thinking about it, I just went and bought the tickets. And I think, here's the thing. I did it because Loss doesn't do this very often, and it'll be a nice night together watching some music. But it was one of those spur of the moment things, and I sneaky think it's going to be class.

I think you'd be 40 in at Del Nair 40. You'll be one of the youngest people there as well. I think that'll be a good night, you know. I think UB40 are like the sugar babes of their generation. That's what they, Like, no one going there is arced. But, like, they'll all love it. No, but there will...

It doesn't matter who's on the stage as long as they sing the songs. There will... No, there will be... If Mocho Buena comes out and leads UB40, you wouldn't be arse, would you? I wouldn't know if UB40 didn't come out and did UB40's songs?

What I mean? If it was someone else, I'd be like, bang, isn't it? Yeah. At what month is it? June, it's 19th of June. UB 45. Factually, correct. And also, just in terms of joke writing,

excellent fucking excellent also I think Luke Combs is going to be the Oasis of 2026 Oh no way is going to be the Oasis of 2026

so no one's going to be asked about them next year I mean Old Lou selling four million tickets The fight to get Like you remember last week when I told you he was going to announce someone

I was like Oh you'd probably be doing Wemble and stuff and you were like well you easily get tickets and it's not going to be like whatever like he's slaying Castle

Murrayfield and Edinburgh and Wembley Stadium just all like I couldn't get tickets I've backdoored me way into Edinburgh bum someone's down I bummed me way into Edinburgh and I think he's probably going to have to have to have

second dates and a couple of years ago you're all laughing at me you're like we still think it's shite just because he's selling more tickets Hitler got popular in the end Oh yeah yeah Luke Holmes as hit Oh

In the end The oasis of this Do you think it's going to be that It's going to be such a cultural phenomenon Like Yeah, phenomenal They're going to do pop up Luke Combs shops

All around the country I can't wait sit the Luke Combs match He's got a percentage on it I mean to me fair He is selling well He's not wrong Good luck compete with UB 40 Can it be a UB 40 summer

I'll come to Luke Holmes If there's a ticket spent No they won't be You want him to appreciate it. No, you're right. He wants them to do a song that's not even his as well. No one deserves a Luke Combs ticket unless they've been to see him before. They're willing to travel for him.

We've done that. Bang, what? Bang. Listen to him cover Alex Warren. I've listened to it five times. I'm basically a lifelong fan. Also, it would be that cultural zeitgeist where everyone in the country will be talking about Luke Combs in Adam's mind.

Everyone, like, you won't, because it's a part of our youth. as well. There'll be guys there my age who are like this is everything to me because when I was 16 even though Luke Holmes was 11 I, this was such a big part of my life. That's why it's bigger than Oasis probably.

Do you not think that? Granddad's don't die came out when you were like 12. That's not Luke Holmes. That's Riley Green. Oh, I wish granders never died except the one that fiddled me. Here that one. It is a question though. Do I not deserve massive credit for what? Because

everything. The school Four years ago, when I'd gone into country properly and you were all like... Yeah, but you didn't discover it. Someone showed you it. I discovered it. A partner showed you. I liked that too.

Yeah, yeah, but then I went all in. Right. You went past them. You're shite. Yeah? I did. Well done for country. Is that what you want?

Do you not think country is like massive over here now? Like compared to what it was. Because are you... Don't you think that was all me? Really high. Oh, yes, I didn't know where you were going. Yes, I didn't think it was all you. Oh, yeah, I did.

Luke Combs couldn't have sold any tickets without you. He'd have been doing fucking Jack. No, well, he was doing pubs and clubs back when I got into him. And then I started talking about him on this and boom, Wembley. Pubs and clubs. He got to the Nissan Stadium in Nashville pretty quick, didn't he? Yeah, I mean pubs and clubs over here. Oh, right.

Well done. Really well done for country music. Fucking hell. Obviously, yeah. Did you know what? Ed of the Cerve, everyone's got fucking boots and hats and that now?

I haven't. Not as Harry. No, Finn, no Dan, no stage. No, not usual. You're all fucking idiots. I mean, like, people who were into it. Oh, the people who had already liked it. In a few years,

when paddles in Olympic sport will say, well done for that as well. Because no other comedians have mentioned it in the last two years. Sorry, Jason. Playing tonight. 9pm and phomby. Fuck, are you travelling for the paddle,

aren't you? Ome and away. Are you going to start competing? Yeah. Like, like weekend leagues. FIFA? Yeah, no.

I'm playing in an inaugural charity tournament. Is it the inauguration of the charity or the tournament? Well, actually, their tournaments this Saturday and we've got to roast so I can't do this one,

but I've said I'll do the next one if they're running again. What's the charity? I don't know. I just want to play paddle. I just give a fuck about that. Paddle for badges. What we...

Let's get something... What works with paddle? I know. Paddle for. Paddle for kids who've drowned. No, that's... Oh yeah, paddle for kayakers. Paddle for kayakers.

It just sounds like equipment, don't it? Drowned kayaking children. Who thinks of them? Carl, all the time, particularly early summer. No, if you're in a kayak, I can't help you there. All right. Let's have a break.

Where is it? How has your fashion game changed in the last few years down? Where do you shop now that you didn't used to? Because I started saying things like, hey, Mark and Spencer's that. Mark and Spencer's the next are fucking inmate. They're in chic. Yeah, I'm, I've tried loads of different things. Dorothy Perkins, really well-fitting.

Bownmarsh. Women's clothes, yeah. Bon Marsh, yeah. And Summers, but you don't know what underwear I'm wearing. Ethel Austin. I'm a dirty girl underneath this flamengo top. Ethel Austin, Dan. Ethel Austin.

She sounds like an author. Yeah. I used to love I think my nan lived in Ethelot. I used to love with my child and an Ethelostin's and getting metal cans in Woolworts. Yeah.

Oh, the Woolwirt, pick and mix, mate. Back before Jamie Oliver took all the fun out of food. That's why they went under, isn't it? Because everyone's just going and just scat on all the picking mat. I used to get Game Boy games from... No, I didn't. That's such a lie.

Why are you lying? Why are you lying? What's the Sega one? Game gear. Game gear. Game 5 games from there. a gig of game gear. Oh, it's great. I used to go and buy records at Woolworth

sometimes. On tape. What? That doesn't make any sense. You used to get records on tape? Yeah. You used to go and buy a single. What was your first single?

It was... I know this. Snap, Rhythm is a dancer. I've done this, yeah. But I also bought the Super Mario and the Tetris singles when they came out. Do, do, do, do...

Pretty cool. Maybe we're at Walwitz. If it was in Mario? No, but I've got the theme tune, no. Put it on. What was yours? We don't know what your first song was.

I didn't buy. If you ever bought physical music? Um, well, we're, uh, no, I don't think I've ever bought a CD or anything.

Like, never. No, why would I have done? For a car. Oh, wait, no.

Oh, no, so I did for my, so you have. Yeah, so that's the six, I had six CDs for me, uh,

and they saw micro, because it had the jukebox one. For them, the, for Mikera Richards. And I had Frank Sinatra's best it. Of course. Lady Smith, Blackman, Basso.

Yeah. I had, um... Did you used to pick Gales up in your class? The date? Oh, did... Elling. Yeah. Come in.

Don't worry about shutting the door. Oh, Frank Sinatra. It's his best bit. Yeah, well, she used to... Because then she bought me Harry Stiles as albums. Well, before that, I used to have to... Like, if I had dates, I used to get public transport. Because one time a girl messaged me on Hinge and was like...

I'm so, and it's never happened before, but she was like, I'm so horny, like, get around to mine now. And I was like, oh, I'd have to get the bus. So I just didn't go. Oh my God, get on the bus for pussy. What you're talking about? How far away did she live?

I was like, because I was at my dad's and my brother. Get a taxi? I was at my dad's. You don't have to tell him why you're leaving. I was at my dad's, my brother. No, he wouldn't have let me out of the house. No pussy after 7 o'clock.

Yeah. How old were you? What did you just say? I worked here. a woman asked you to go around and fuck her since you've worked here which is what two two years it would have been it will have been early

early days me work so like yeah I would have been what 23 you mean your dad you were 23 a woman was spreading them for you a short bus ride away and your dad said you're not allowed to go out fucking no you should shoot your dad you know no

no I didn't say I wasn't allowed out I just knew that me sneaking out after why do you have to sneak out Your dad's like Wiggins Fritzel. He's not from Wiggin. That's the problem. Your dad's like Wiggins Fittles. He's not from Wiggin.

My dad gets such a bad ref on this. I went to the pub with him last night. Oh, the only, it's what you say. You tell us everything about your dad. You? No, I just knew that it would have got questions. And also it was late, the buses would have stopped. But I tell you what, here's my question about those.

questions you know when you went to go out you're like dad i'm going out and he was like excuse me at the witching hour 6 p.m like what why couldn't you just go there's a woman who's got a pussy lips spread for me a couple of mile away that's what that's how you'd speak to your dad isn't it that's he never explicitly said you can't go out now but i would have felt like i was like breaking the rules i guess so it's on you this this is you being yeah it's on me like he's not gone what rules well not not loud in the kitchen after seven and don't go the kitchen then go out the house? No pussy after nine.

Yeah, but if I, if I, I'd come back, because I wasn't allowed a key at that point as well. What? Mate. Harry, Harry, I know you've lived in your own world

and you're starting to real, none of these things are normal. Like, I, I don't know why I didn't have a key at that point. I think because I lost a key and they were like, well, that's it. That's your lot.

That's it. That's it. So it was like, if I'd snuck out, like, if I'd stayed over or whatever, I hadn't locked the door, I wouldn't be able to lock him in, he's in? He was locked door behind.

Harry, say you just in a different mood and you were like, you know what, fuck it? Why didn't you just get a taxi to the girls' house? Uh, I don't know. Why couldn't you drive the car? I missed that bit. So this is pre before I learned how to drive. Right, okay, that makes more so.

Yeah, I don't, I think I was just a tycoon. I think I was just stingy. Sorry, babe. My dad won't let me out and the buses are finished. Yeah, because I would have... Oh, you don't want to fuck no more? Okay. Because I would have been paying a tenor to,

break the rules of leaving the house. So it's like, I'm doubly wrong. Don't believe wrong. Yeah. Doubally wrong. Is it in a 10th for pussy? I'm breaking my dad's rules. Joking, aren't you? Put your pussy away.

Where were you going last night? Out of the house? First of all, that should do. Or he'd go, what you're doing? Because I was a girl who, I've been talking to a girl. And she asked me for some fucking H time. What does the H stand for? Haddy.

Oh. You're H? I'm H in this scenario. I didn't have you seen I'm H in this scenario, Dad. Not you. Yeah, I don't know. Because he might have been found.

I mean, probably wouldn't have been found. Like, if I come back from a night out, he always gets up just to see if it is me. Yeah, that's all right. Because you haven't got a key? I have a key now. No, if you've got off on the night on,

check out with you, it wouldn't have been you because you haven't got a key. Someone that has. broken. Yeah, because I've left the door unlocked. Exactly. That's where you've got to lock it behind. Otherwise, people just walk in. In our house as well, if you open the door, a voice goes, front doors open. I've turned that off. Oh, I hate it. That is a grass. Yeah. Yeah. I turn that right off.

There's a pre, is it your dad's voice that he's pre-recorded. It's like the Chinese headphones. No, I've got it. My alarm goes, can it? Front door open. And I was like, nah, you're not doing that. And he goes, back door open. Yeah. Don't get it up from Timu. A fontadour. Bluetooth. It's not in Chinese. It's Chinese accent.

It is. It's just, yeah. It's not got, have you never had a speaker like that? It says Bluetooth open. It's the best. I've got some racist headphones.

It's, uh, connected. Man goes, sweep mode. Oh, power of. It's superb.

I've just got AirPods to me. Better. How do you? What? The, the key thing, worries me. Yeah, well, I just wasn't because I think I left it on a bus

one time and they were like, someone's going to up the house now. No, not unless you left your address next to it. That's what I always said. That's what he always did. I've got to remember where there's keys for. Also, we're not helping by going this is awful because he's bought his house, he's out. How are you free this week?

Tomorrow. So today, so today, so we were, I went out to, because I'm going to my mum's tonight. So last night was the last man I, last night in Bursco, I guess. So we went the poem. Which like I never go Like I was always a thing Like that's a euphemism from an oncologist

I don't know It's like Alcatraz It was always a thing of like Like oh can we go to the pub tonight And he'd be like oh no I'm going with Peter After four So so so But he was like let's

Do you want to go the pub on Tuesday So I was like yeah To the point where like I cancelled everything When you got home Did he go where have you been Like a little Britain When he gets out the car But we

So but then this morning Was my last like Like time in the house I guess was like I'm off and he was like, was that it then? That's you gone. I was like,

oh yeah, I guess it is. And he was like, right, do hope you have a foot, like three hats on. Just put loads of posts on and there's shit in the kitchen.

Yeah, yeah. I think Harry's going to be visiting three times a week through sort of guilt. I honestly think you're going to be there loads. Yeah, I need to set like boundaries of like

this, everyone comes to mind now. Have you got rules that you've thought of for your house? Hats on all the time. You've got to have a hat on. You've got to be in the kitchen. after seven times.

I've got to wear a hat. You've got to wear a hat. Shoes on. Shoes on. I mean, really, Ellie's going to make all the rules because I don't really give a shit. Genuine question, no. Do you think any of, because

I know you love your dad. I know we take the piss out of him because he sounds like a violent control free. Violent? Do you think? There's no violence involved. No. No, it's just psychological warfare, isn't it?

Psychological violent. Do you think you were, if you've got a kid, do you think you'll impose any of this bollocks on them? I think I'll go the other way. Yeah, go out, be free.

I'll just let me kidding. Why are you in the house with all the keys? Get out. Here's loads of keys. Doors open. Yeah. And as you come through a door

it goes, doesn't matter who it is. Also, honey. Moving in with Gayle mistake one-on-one, made there. You do not. Don't give a shit at all.

No, I'd give loads of shits. There you go. just let her give the final shit yeah she do give her shit oh yeah we need to train Harry for this don't we yeah so you're gonna go the range at some point absolutely fucking nailed on fact and she's gonna be like do you want this cup or this

cup right neither you don't give a fuck right yeah because they're the cups aren't they do the same fucking thing do I mean but you can't go whatever cup you want you have to figure out through telekinesis what cup she wants and pick the same one

yeah but she's to move the cup in the air previous with your mind. That one that's floating. We went to ASDA. Stop using your telekinesis in the range. I'm fucking sick of saying it. No, what you need to do is... Get that mirror down.

You need to like both of them. You need to like both of them, but not one... Do you know what? They're both. I'll be happy with... I'd probably go with that one. She goes with the thing on this one.

But like, honestly, that's probably just as good. So, like, she... Like, giz your, like, a shaker there, you sneak on. Yeah. Nine. So, I'll be Ellie. Fine.

So, here we go. Which, which, uh, which sleep up do you want, babe? Which,

which, which, which, do you want? I like that, that one with the blue lid. Whoa, Harry.

Oh, what about that one though? But I've said the one with, like, I know, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Order. So, is neutral for my start. Now you're single. Yeah. So, so she had two bowls in Asda, and one was blue

and one was like, horrible. And I was like, I did, listen, I'm not, like, I'm not daft fully. And I was like, I was like, oh, they're both good. I do like that blue one. And she went, no, and put it down. And I was like, well, what if we get a blue towel? She's like, no, I don't want a blue towel.

I want it to be green and audible. So. Oh, Harry's led. Whoa. Imagine how much of a psycho you'd have to be if you were in the range. And she was like, Harry, which one? You won this one? Well, you're wrong.

And you're fucking finished. That's us. Mental, your dad level mental. Yeah, like, what you have to do is, when you've picked the blue lid one and she goes, oh, eh, right, with the other one, then you go, oh, now it's in a new light. Oh, oh, you go, actually that one with the thing,

you said earlier, that goes better, actually, right, yeah. Or gas lighter and go, no, sorry, I said that one. Yeah, I said that one from the start. Or just be honest to me, like, couldn't give a shit, I'm here for the pussy. That is also true. But I mean, that's the other, because she's got a whole Pinterest thing

of how the house is meant to look. Whereas I didn't know what colour the living room was the other day. So I don't feel I have too much to stand on. Were you in the living room? No, I've not,

we asked for a second viewing in the house and they said no. That would ease be that, yeah. Sold a scene. Can we see that again? No, you've bought it. It's yours.

I've started getting a bit worried because when we went for the one viewing, they went, we've turned all the lights off because this is how you'd be in the house. The lights would all be off. And we went, that's clever. and then I've realised well have you done the same thing you do with your cars

with your house I've realised because I was like we were talking about the bedroom and I went the bedrooms I was saying to Ellie he was like the bedroom's a bit dark

that needs a lick a pain and then it's come to me I don't really know what the bedroom looks like at all he moves in tomorrow so Harry

Harry Have you had a survey done? This is fucking incredible. Have you had a survey dog? Yeah, but I've not read it. It's fucking dead long. It just said that the house wasn't going to fall down. The lights don't work.

There's no electricity or gas or running water. But it's going to stay standing's up. I assume the lights work. I assume it's plugged in. I'm just invented a word there gonna stay standing jub up jump up how's your house

still standing jubble did you say the lights are plugged in if you're big lights plugged in I'm saying well they're also taking everything as well yeah do you know they're taking the kitchen

no that no yeah so they're taking all of the appliances and stuff like that but there's a bathroom cabinet that's screwed in There's a bathroom cabinet that's screwed and they're fucking taking it. I was like, well, leave something. I think they're taking the curtains as well.

I didn't even know that was loud. Yeah, I don't think that's super unusual. Cairns is normal, but taking like... It's petty, though, because they don't know that those curtains will fit where they're going, you know what I mean? Unless they do. Maybe, maybe.

I think they just don't like us because I've pestered them quite a bit. They haven't let you back in the house. Can we have a second viewing? Can we have a second viewing? No. Pest and then comes in. Well, because also that we were meant to move in like a month and a half ago and then they just we got to the date and they just went uh now so i knocked on the

don't he turned all the light so because we were meant to be in because we were meant to move in because we were meant to move in after turkey just watch that light go off nah they're out i don't haven't done the same thing because people keep on asking me like what kind of boiler do you have or do you have centrally and i'm like that's in the survey you have got central eating because it's 2025 yeah well yes right to do build i didn't know i needed building insurance until yesterday and on my building insurance it was like what locks do you have on your doors so I just had to lie

I don't know oh there you go invalidated insurance before you've moved in yeah if go compare a listening if the go compare man's listening it's a what did you put us the answer just the first lock I can't well I don't know what the locks are going to be unless I asked Ellie

do you remember what the locks were buying the house can you just do check what the Yale locks or what are these ones with keys I don't have numbers I don't have numbers for them and it was late in the day And I didn't know if we need to build an insurance, we're meant to move in tomorrow. So I just thought out yesterday. Good luck, Harry. Shall we do some advice?

Christ, it gives me an example. By the way, Harry's houses are going to get wrapped up in the next couple of weeks. When he finds it's like a cemetery in the fucking kitchen or something. Like an Indian burial ground. He turned the lights off, I couldn't see it. We have some advice. If you'd like some advice, have a word pod at gmail.com. It's also got the best Patreon on the planets,

hasn't it, Dan? Have a word pod. Well, this one? Yeah. This podcast. Yeah. Oh, it's got a patron. So a subscription service behind a paywall?

Yeah. Well, not only is it the best in the country, the biggest in the country. It's also one of the biggest in the world. I think it's the best of the world. How much is that going to cost you, Carl? Bang for your book. For them as little as three pile of the month,

you can get everything we've ever made, and I mean every single second. 40, 50 specials? Yep. Oh. Hundreds of hours of the bar. Early access. Everybody in ticket, early access.

You get to everything, you get to go to that. There's extra content as well, not just the specials. Three quid a month. Have a word pod. It's on Patreon. Sign up on a browser,

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Because Apple are tax cunts. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Sign up there. Some advice. Joe says, in light of you lads talking about sexy roleplay on a recent episode, I need some advice. I met a girl and she is what can be described as proper filthy. I'm talking tentacle toys, water sports, public sex, nothing is off limits.

Class. She opened up to me about her biggest fantasy that no one had ever done for her. She has a kink where she wants to be taken advantage of by someone in a position of power. Now, this girl has been arrested just a few weeks before for supporting a certain group

that the government had decided are a terrorist organisation. I imagine that's like... It's Palestine action. It's Palestine action, which is ridiculous in its own It's not al-Qaeda. She's not been... No, okay, good.

The cogs were going in my head, so after a few probing questions, I started to build my character. I showed up to her flat. She did know I was coming round as a plain-clothes police officer. We're talking long-over-go... She's just wearing his own clothes.

Long-over-go. Shirt, tie, sunglasses, sexy handcuffs on my belt. I even had a toy police badge, which belongs to my... Clown-coats! Which belongs to my five-year-old son. And a nightstick,

a big bastard of a vibrating one. from Love Honey. I knocked, and as soon as she opened the door, I shouldered it open, knocking it to the ground, and read her the police caution. You have the right to remain silent and all that shy, and arrested her on suspicion of terrorist activities. I then proceed to interrogate her for the next two hours, which was just sex in character. From the outside looking in, it would look fucking wild, but I promise you it was all consensual, and I think this might have been my greatest sexual experience of all time. The The only problem is that it has now created a Pavlovian response in my brain.

Every time I see the police, either on the streets or on TV, it proper turns me on. And now I sort of don't want normal sex. I just want to have a sexy version of the bill every time. I need your advice lids. How do I shake my busy-induced kink? I love that every show... Why would we know?

Why would we know how to deal with this problem? You don't want to go cold turkey. you want to maybe try paramedic. Also, if he showed at the door, did they not like smacking in the face? Yeah, but she loved it. But that's how the police act. So it's immersive.

He got one of those red things that they bang doors down and then he like glued a dildo on to it as well. She had a great time. She put her in the letterbox. Clear. I can see getting turned on by this stuff but to do it for two hours

I can't do anything for two hours. He's mental. What does the doorbell goes? You have to answer it with your cock out as a plain-closed police officer. the doorbell goes while you're fucking anyway. Well, I'm still me. Is he dropping character?

You don't have to stay in character when you'd open the door. Yeah, you don't have to answer the door. No, but then one if she is, like that. You've got to, otherwise you're losing it. You've got a Daniel Day Lewis this shit. You've got a... Sorry, I've got...

Hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, right. Finn, you're in a six-year relationship. You start to spice things up. You've become a police officer. You've got a little toy, six-year-old child's toy badge. You've got a gun. You're holding a love honey vibrator.

I'm dropping that. That's not coming to the door with me. Okay. Great. But you're badging your fake gunner, right? And you're in character as fucking Billy the busy, right? And you're smashing the life harder, you misses. Yeah?

And then the doorbell goes, and it's Frank from next door. And you go down, you don't ignore it. You don't go, ah. Frank. I know, I know Frank. Yeah. He's neighbor. So Frank's like, all right, Finn.

How are you doing? You go, it's fucking Billy. to you, mate. Like, yeah. And Frank, Frank thinks you're having, that,

if that happened to me, if I was Frank in that situation, I'd be like, oh, Finn's in trouble. Oh, no. Like, is this a cold where,

you shoulders the door. See, what I'd do is I'd, I'd make another story that Finn's like the undercover thing for Billy. So Finn has been a role I've been playing for years.

What about the next day? What happens the next day when you see Frank again? Have you got to be Billy the busy for him? Who's directed? this. Christopher Nolan. He said, Finn, I've gone, right, just, yeah, that is the role you're playing. Yeah, right, Frank. In a bit, I'm busy. Not a busy. I'm not a busy. I'm busy as in, I'm doing stuff. Go away. Have you got pants on? I've got boxers on. He can see I'm hard, but it doesn't matter.

You could do a love actually. By the door at all times, you could have your story on card. Anyway, listen, I'm banging my wife. Yeah, I am a busy and character. Please stop asking questions. Say your DPD. I'm wellying her. She's into all sorts. She's pro-Palestine.

Because of the genocide. We all should be, really. Getting in the weeds. But she fucking loved it. She's dirty. She's into everything. Tenticle deal goes. Frank's like, man.

Now, get on me. Frank, could you fuck off? I didn't think you can play character. I'm going to get the doorbell. I'm going to get a doorbell. They'd have to be banging the doorbell. down for me to stop shagging. What?

What? Shishish. I'm telling you right now, if I'm smashing pushing someone to the door, they're staying at the door till I'm done. About it's Halloween. Fucking an hour. Trickle-treaters.

I don't fuck on Halloween. It's Christmas morning. We wish you a Merry Christmas. God luck! Why don't you fuck on Halloween? In case you bring the monsters into the bedroom? No, in case kids not had the door and ask for sweet. See, I thought that'd be your dream.

You like fancy dress. Yeah, fuck around. Halloween. So you dress up in the days around. I'm Polish when it comes to Halloween. I did the day before. Don't fuck on Halloween. Kids knocking on the door. Ignored. But they're dressed up as well.

Oh. It's too far. Too far. Are you feeling hungry, Dan? Hungry for love? No. Oh, hungry. It's time for the return of Dan versus food. Don, dun, don't, don't, don't, don't. Dan versus...

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, this is Dan versus food. Dan is a 45-year-old man with food phobias. He basically is scared of eating certain things. He's a weirdo. So what we've been doing over the past couple of years is forcing them to try stuff that he's never tried before. For example, even as a northern man from Lancashire, he'd never had gravy.

He'd never had fish and chips. He'd never had a pie. Well, he has now. He doesn't really like any of it. We're going to today give him this stuff. It's breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day, Dan. It is the most important meal of the day.

Oh. So here we go. We do have, we have porridge. We have, uh, ready break. No, the ready break is the porridge. Yeah. Yeah. That's wheat of beaks.

Okay. We have ready breck. We have wheat of bicks and we have marmite on toast. Now, what I will say, Dan, is the marmite on toast is going to leave an aftertaste. But I think you're actually going to enjoy that. You like twiglets. You love her. Yeah.

You're going to be fine with marmite. So this is marmite on toast. Mmm. You already eat that, don't you? I fucking love marmite. Full disclosure. I fucking love a bit of marmite. That's not, I've never had that.

I should have thought that. You've never to have marmite? It just tastes like bonfineite. Oh yeah. No, not for me. Marmite on crumpets. I think it works best on crumpets. I think it's the definition of what marmite is.

Yeah. Some marmites have me. Not for me. I fucking love it. Oh, it's shaita. Oh, that is, honestly. You're so weird. That's fucking horrible. Just open up your minds.

So you like Marmite, but you've never tried porridge. That's, that's... Can I just... With Marmite, I bet I've eaten it for about three years, so it's not... Oh, right, okay. So what I will say is this is... Cosetta likes it. This could be nicer, but we didn't have any pussy juice available to have on your ready brain.

No, absolutely. Acto-free milk. All right, okay. I don't know how you. Put your juice on your method makes it better. As fuck are you getting your juices for your serum?

Is it wheat-at-bix then? I've genuinely never have wheat-a-bix. You know, part of the problem is it all just looks a bit mushy. I haven't made two balls because the first one just turned into porridge. All right. Big mouthful.

When you prepared it. Make like your mum and fill your gob. So on this. She used cock, though. Oh, yeah. Used? Mm. Oh, he's got back for the second bite.

But how many bites are you fucking love it, don't yet? I'll be honest, I am a serial man. I have, but I've never had this. It's not good cereal, though, is it? If you need it quickly when it's not so sloppy, it's good. Oh, I like it, sloppily. No, I mean, when you've prepared it. The banana one's good as well.

Oh, shit, he's ruined it. That was a bit... Who's using that? Old man. Yeah. It's for people who have had to stop bowling, if you know what I mean? so there's another bowl it's not that

it's bowling can hear this who do you think you are I don't know honestly I am that was good Alan I'll say that oh no I'm not going to do the reviews

now that's fucking so bang average that can I wash it down with some mom no you can wash it down with some pottage though oh

no it's warm Horridge is warm and sloppy. Have you ever read the three bears then? There's a big bear, a little bear and some slag breaks in and makes herself porridge. Mommy bear, daddy bear, baby bear. Family of bird. She doesn't make herself porridge.

She has the porridge that's already there. Oh, right. And then she like cracks one out in the beds. Yeah. Goldie Cox. Yeah. Nice. It looks like grue.

Oh, that's what you're delicious. Please, sir. But it is especially nice with some honey in. Yeah, a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of it. we haven't done for you. A bit of jam. Fing does pussy, dude. You've ruined me.

Really? Oh, it looks bad. Stop looking at this. It's honestly enough. You're going to be fine with it. What are you doing? You're weirdo. Have some more.

Have some more. I mean, it tastes of nothing. Threaten to be sick. Have some more. Get it down your throat. Oh, no. Clout are open. I thought of animal come then.

Why? Which animal? No, why? I don't need to do that. I honestly think that's... Why animal come? I don't know. It's just that hit the back of my throat.

It reminded me that time. What time? No, the other words of barbap. That's really bad. Not gonna lie, I fucked up making it once. I had to make it again. I don't care. I don't think you could make that right.

That is so... How was your fuck up making it? I measured it all out for him because he didn't know what he was doing. It was just pure liquid. Yeah, because you don't eat it either, do you? No, I mean, like, I'll try that. You ever have rice pudding, then?

The porridge from me? Pretz nice, with a bit of honey in. It needs something, but for me, the texture of that is not pleasant at all. Can you show the camera, Dan? That, it's just not good. It's ready breakfast class. Looks like wallpaper paste. Honestly, now, is this shredded wheat?

Wheat's spix. Wheat's spix. It's not shredded wheat. Right. If I was staying over somewhere and they had no other cereal because they were lizards, I would potentially eat that. Yeah, a bit of sugar, a bit of honey. But behind Corn Flakes, Frosties, Cheerios.

Yeah, yeah, I agree, but yeah. Fucking, but, like, this one, what a find. I love it. 10 out of 10. Right, rank, uh, ratings. Marmite, yeah, it's not a 10 out of 10 because you've got to be in the move for it, but it is exceptional. Eight, eight, eight, nine.

I give a minus three. Oh, it's salty. Um, I'll give, what is it? Weed a bit, wheat a bit. How do you keep forgetting? Five. Yeah, bang in the middle. I'd give Wheatabix like a five or six.

No one not likes it. What did you give marmite? Porridge. So not necessarily how you've had it there, but porridge with honey in, I'd have it like a seven and a half eight. It's got to be some good honey that, isn't it?

Honey is good though, isn't it? It just makes it all sweeter and that. There's a question for you to round out our section. Not for me. You said you're the serial man. Top five cereals. Let's do an impromptu top five. Well, everyone love that.

Right. Can I? Can I just, detach the sort of health thing because I honestly think sometimes Frosties are on offer and anyone who goes, I prefer cornflakes to Frosties, it's mental. Frosties is just the sweet. Yeah, no, I'm not asking like... Yeah.

It's a cheap day. You can have whatever you want for breakfast. You're having cereal. What, like, if I, if I open my cupboard, you're staying at mine. Laura's fucked you off. And I go, yeah, which one do you want? What, if I said there's five cereals in the cupboard, what would you want those options to be? Is that what's going to happen if Laura fucks me off?

Do I have to come and live with you for a bit? I'm getting a bigger couch soon, so you'll be all right. Oh, it won't be sad at all. At least you'll have ricicles. Is riceicles in there? I think ricicles are phenomenal. Same theory. Is that Rice Krispies?

It's the sugared rice crispses. I'm going to go... Is this a sugary enough? No, they're coated with sugar puffs? Nope. The ricicles are the Kellogg's. I got... This is for me, and I know you'll dispute this,

but I'll go Frosties, riceicles I love Cheerios also what's the Kellogg's crunching what's the crunching out corn flakes

oh that is a bad boy that one as well my top and it's not close the milk for them is incredible um ricicles were discontinued

in 2017 then oh for shame he loves them crunching or corn flakes cocoa pops sugar puffs sugar puffs Honey nut cereos.

They're good. Porridge. Horridge? Horwich is not making the top line. It's porridge a cereal? Yeah, you kind of. What is it, man? Well, I've learnt nothing about breakfast.

I already like this. I ate that. What did you give porridge out of ten then? I said, honestly. Seven? It's... It can't be a one because I didn't get... So actually by the Dan versus food standards.

It's four and it's three or four. You should try rice pudding. It's a sweeter version of it for the Z. It is fucking gorgeous. Rice puddin's nothing like that. It's the same fucking concept, isn't it? It's just milk and rice. Talking about breakfast.

Next time I want to try a scrambled egg. Someone sort me out. What I mean is it looks the same. Let's have a break. Hello, everyone. It's Dan and Carl from the Havelworth podcast that you're listening to and watching. Oh, I tell you, I cannot stand a hairy, pubed man.

And I'm not one. Oh. Oh, yeah. I'm down at my lowest ever pub length. Well done. What are you using? I'm using Monscape Carl, recognize. It's all I've ever used, because do you know why?

It's dead easy, and it always does the job. I don't see why he'd use anything else. It's just like the pubs are gone. For face, for my bald-bowed head, but mainly for the piabs. And now this, this is a bit of fancy. Well, I've got the black one. I'm like, eh, boring. Bore off.

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I tell you who's here. It's your friend of mine. It's Tommy Stey! Come on. Oh, Tommy! What's up, baby? What are we doing? I've got a question for you.

What are we doing? What's this? You look like every American dad at Disneyland. Do you know what I mean? And there's your son? I don't know, your mother said hi. Who is, who's Leo Sayer? What?

What? I don't really know either. I know he's important. But I don't know what... He was a great headliner. Is this great? TV presenter for the 80s? Yes, CV-Cadier.

No, 70s. He did American Blankety Blank. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he sure did, as a matter of fact. But you don't get it, Dan. Like, I grew up with this guy, with my dad. Every day, fucking endless flight album.

Fucking make me feel endless flight. Oh, look at that. Did he have to make that? Oh, yeah, but he's time-traveled for his whole personality. Oh, Jesus, Finn. So, yeah, so I went and saw it. So what I did was he came to Edinburgh. Okay, he came to Edinburgh.

I called up Charlotte and make myself look. like a big star and call up his agent and say Tom wants to meet him after the show. And it fucking totally did. Ended up going, hanging out with fucking Leo Sayer all night. This guy's buying me fucking 80 pound whiskey

so I'm getting high with him and his fucking bandmates. And and then I just became a Leo Sayer fucking follower. You know. Yeah, totally, man. You know. Is it Leo Sayer? Or is it like Leo Sayer and the Bee Gees? Like, what's his band? Not the Pist.

No. Leo Seah. He's the guy. The Aspandas. How much love, feel like dancing. Endless flight, Magnolena. Is he, he had a dance remix. Like, is he calling me?

No. He's one of the ones from like the early 2000s. Just for the audio listeners who think they've had an an aneurism, Tom is wearing a Leo Sayate t-shirt. Oh, thunder in my heart. I feel thunder in my heart. He told me he's dead. I just can't control.

Dude, he told me what, see, I don't even know, I'm going to tell it, because he told me the, this is how cool, this is how tight me and Leo were, okay? Okay, like, I know shit about Leo, but he told me that song, that song, Thunder in Your Heart, is about him fucking Raquel Welch. Do you know who Raquel Welch? Oh, my God. Denise's sister? Huh? Denise's sister? Yeah, it is Denise's sister, Carl.

That's exactly who the fuck it is. She's only like, fucking one of the most sexiest women of the 70s. Isn't Raquel Welch, one of the women that's on a poster in... Shawshank. Shawshank. No, that's it. Yeah. Is it Hayworth?

No, but it's, I think it ends. Yeah. Raquel Welch. Oh, when he moved through your decades. Because he changed his posters, doesn't he? You know what? That's what she's famous for. Well, now, yeah.

And she's also famous for banging Leo's favorite. You're right? If she is on. I think it's great. Okay, well, there we go. We know the two new people are. There you go. No.

I mean, she is. She is fit. Okay, kids. She was. He's dead. You write that now? Did that wait? So, can I just clear something here?

You got your agent to call his agent and go, hey, my famous client wants to meet your famous client after your famous client's show. Ding, don't know. Do you think I can get my agent to do that with Luke Combs when he's coming over? Yeah, totally. Consider, we're ego maniacs, dude. Again, of course we do. Of course, Luke's going to want to meet you.

He's going to want. Who's this Adam Rowe guy? No, he's going to want to say thank you for his whole career that Adam has basically given him. Because I think this might be hyperbole, but I think Adam was saying basically Luke Holmes was homeless before Adam picked him up and just raised him from nothing. I'll do that for people, though, you know?

He was a Tennessee smack rat. Great source. Nice, nice band, the Tennessee smack rats. I would love to see that, Adam. I would totally, I think you should. Hey, but how many, now, this is going to be a bit cunty, but how many celebrities in the Edinburgh area were asking to meet Leo afterwards?

I think that's the thing in it. If you keep this, yeah, yeah? You can meet anyone that's famous 40 years ago. You've played the odds beautifully. Yeah, thank you, Dan. Luke Combs might be a more difficult get. Yeah, but like, it's you. Yeah, that's how I was, I wasn't thinking about it.

Adam's Adam. Adam's Adam. He has a, he's a noun. that he's added extra shows. So at three o'clock today, I do need to join that pre-sail to try and get some Ireland. Where is he playing? Where's Luke playing?

He's doing two nights at Wembley Stadium. He's doing Murrayfield in Edinburgh. Right, okay. And he's doing two nights at Slain Castle in Ireland. And you before, are you playing Delamere Forest? Wow. That's a tag on to the tour, basically.

I'll tell you, from Wembley Stadium, that'd be a tough one, from the Edinburgh playhouse. were Leo and it wasn't quite full. How many times? Have you done this a lot? Have you done this with lots of celebrities where you've just done?

Good question, Finn. Thank you for asking that one. He's working the room. Leo is the first one, man. Leo is the first one just because he played such a pivotal role in my childhood. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I still listen to his songs even now. Yeah. And, you know, everybody drives by me going, who's that gay guy in the car listening to Magnolia? Windows up. I'm like, I can't even hear the music. They're like, that looks gay. Tom, who is the first person you were star-struck by?

Just my hat. Tom, who's the first person you were star-struck by? Have ever met someone big enough where you give a foot? Like, I mean, like, holy shit. these are so famous. Wow. I'm going to be honest with it, Carl. I don't think I've ever been star-struck.

Never, ever, ever? No, man. I don't, I think, I met some pretty big dudes, man. I've got, fucking, I met, like. When did you start stand up? Like, late 80s? Have I got that time, timeline wrong? You got that right.

You bet. Yeah. So you must have, there's some big comics, like. Dennis Miller, all them guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are we saying here? Like, if somebody, did you tell me stories about, like, I met this guy once.

And you lost your shit with him. Yeah, like, you're not even lost your shit. You were pretty starstruck by Russell Brand where, yeah. I met Russell Brand. This was a long... This was pre-rape allegations. I don't know whether it was pre-rape. It wasn't, it wasn't pre-raped for Carl, was it?

He hadn't been accused yet. But he was probably up to it. Okay. Like 18 years ago. Allegedly. And you lost your shit with him. I don't lose me shit, but I was like, oh, that's cool. He's a cool guy.

He enjoyed... Tom. You know in the break? I'll show you the photograph of Carl meeting Russell Brand. Yeah, I'm happy. Okay. I mean, I've announced a six forms ago and meet him. Because my forms of years were his humour with like Ponderland and stuff and there's

telly stuff. I love the... Carl is so starstruck by it in a picture. He looks like Randall from Monsters Inc. Oh, wow. A changed form. I look like a cartoon. You, that is accurate, by the way, and you can slide that picture in here.

Looks like... He's like I'm going through on goal. Yeah. But that's your childhood. You see, I guess, you'll say her. Ross Noble as well. I think I've other met...

Wow. Ross Noble. I think even now... I'd be disappointed. Oh, no. I'd walk in and go this fucking guy. But like my formative of comedy is every Christmas day.

I watched the new Ross Noble DVD. Yeah. That's cool, man. Ross got me when I met him. I was like... I'd be like, oh, that's... Fuck me. Because I've never met him,

even though I've worked on comedy so long. I've never ever crossed past of him. I'd be like, oh, that's... Even though it might not be massive, that'd be cool. But he was massive. He was huge, man. Of course he was. He was huge.

Was he in 90s huge, wasn't he? He's like late 90s. He was in big theaters by the like 2000. Yeah. The fairest comedian I ever saw live. Yeah. Yeah, really? Ever, yeah.

Oh, wow. At the Empire. I think he was on one of the first gigs that I came here with Daryl Martin in Nottingham, man. And I don't know if he was, this is like 2003 or something like that when we first came in. And he was, he was like the headliner dude. and there was Johnny Vegas and I'd just shown up, man. And, you know, as much as I, you know,

fucking tease these guys, I know he's awesome. It was the first time I saw, like, real absurd comedy. Yeah, yeah, like, just making it up as you're going along. I was like, oh, that, what he's doing there's magic? Now I know it's less magic. It's still magic. He still had some magic about him, though. Yeah, but I was like, oh, fuck, that's, no one does that.

That's magic. When I first saw Tom, it was at Lincoln University, and it must have been about, I reckon you've been over about six months a year. Yeah. And there was some heavy hitting good Canadian comics, but I hadn't sort of like, I'd just been doing my little pocket of gigs

and just trying to get open spots. And I'd seen Sean Collins be brilliant and Craig Campbell and Glenn Wall. All the cool guys are like, these guys are clearly, to me, Canadian comics were like all a bit mental and brilliant. And I saw you kick the fuck out of Lincoln University. Yeah, man.

It was so good to watch. I was like, oh, there's another big dog come over from Canada. I'm the last one standing, damn. Where are you the last one over, though? It felt like you were the one over that, okay, I'll do it. Damn, thanks, man. I appreciate them. That's a real kind thing to say, dude.

Is there anyone you would make that phone call for? If you had an agent, is there anyone you'd make that Leo say a phone call for? oh like like if he for for whoever yeah whoever wow man yeah probably maybe like a footballer i wouldn't be a musician those footballer concerts wow no what i mean if a new day were backstage if they were backstage they forgot to me like ronaldini or something that'd be cool or steve bruce how awkward of that phone call me you get your agent to ring their agent and i'd love to meet them like where and they go just a costa can you just

meet for like a dayday before the conference. I don't think there's any musician when I'll do it. No. Really? No one? No, not really. No one. Mick Hocknell.

Mick? I would want to meet Mick Hocknell. I'd love to meet him. I would do that. And I think, do I know something? Where Mick is now, he's at my level that I could get in. I guarantee. I'd like, maybe that's what it is, Dan.

Maybe it's, you got to hit these guys like, like women. Do you know what I mean? Like, when they're super hot. They're hard to get in touch with. But as soon as they get into their 40s, all of a sudden, hey, somebody's taking my phone number now. And in the 50s, fucking you are going home with them, no matter. When they're on the Masters tour.

Yeah. And they appreciate you. Thank you. They're still there. They're still popular a little bit for all the people that remembered when they were beautiful. And they're like the school yard crushes. That's what we're talking about here.

I wouldn't be able to hit the 20 and 30-year-olds. Mick Hucknell. Yeah, Mick Hucknell's about 49, 49 on the pretty scale. You know how big he was? He was, didn't he play like the FA Cup final or something before he? What? And he brought up. That is a confabulated memory.

Alex Ferguson's involved. They were like, Mick Hucknell's here. Should we fuck off the national anthem? No, Alex Ferguson's involved in some way. I don't know why. Yeah, he doesn't. He doesn't. He celebrated the 1999

FA Cup final. Thank you. With, because he's a United. Because he's a United. You know, he played it? No,

no, he didn't. No, he played the celebration. He didn't play in the match. I know that. Wow. A surprise name on the team sheet today. You needed to Google that. But he was,

he was massive. I'd love to go and see him because simply reds every. You'd love to go and see them. Like, if they were playing the Liverpool, would you go and see them? Yeah, Have you like a small, like a jack gig.

They did the arena last week like. Yeah, but I wouldn't go to the arena. I'd like to do a little gig and like the Jack and something. Yeah, that's going to the arena. It's what's Simply Red. But us. But us.

Yeah, come and see us. Maybe Simply Red's going to be there. He won't be. I bet you though somebody would though. I bet you there's somebody out there that would get their agent to call your guys' agent to come and meet you two for sure.

Well, it hasn't happened yet. No. Yeah. And I haven't got an agent, so that's... They can ring Laura. I've seen something. Just buy a country day ticket? Literally.

Yeah, but then also... Okay, I don't know why my brain... But then also, I want to go back to the women thing, okay? Yeah, I know what year we're in, and I know the calls I'm going to get. Don't you sweat it. Your agents get in the calls. Yeah, it's all fine. Whatever.

If you don't know the real world. Okay. So, there's also, like, guys that are from Mick Hut, whatever, Mick Hocknell's generation, that have gone back that would be harder to see. Like, I think Rick Astley would be a tough one. So it's like, it's sort of like you come up from 2030, almost lose it, and then come back and you're more popular than the 20 and 30. is not more popular now, surely. He had like a 15-year hiatus, didn't it? That really helped his stock.

He just disappeared, didn't perform, went out of the spotlight, and then got bored and went and came back, and I think that helped his stock. Rick Rowland? Rick Rowland? Rick Rowland is the only reason he's back. What's Rick Rowland? I thought that was Rick Ross.

That is a person as well. Rick Rowling is when you send someone a link and go, hey, have you seen these new shoes and it's just a video? It's just the Never Gonna Give You Up video. Oh, right. That's what made him famous again. It's sad.

Like, just the fact. He seems like a really cool guy, Rick Astley. He seems... No, but he did come back. He came back. But isn't his concerts just a room full of people going? Come on, Rick. He chose to go away because he's...

He'll do covers. He doesn't care. He'll mix it up. He'll do other people's songs as well. Everyone knows what they're there for. But he'll do the different stuff. The bang. It sounds like you're going there to see yes.

Like, he'll do covers. He did a tour with Blossoms where they played the Smiths. It was Rick Astley with Blossoms as his band playing the Smiths. That would be sick, though. Wouldn't that be sick? That would be so sick. Is that Johnny Marr? Johnny Marr's the Smith.

Yeah, Morrissey. Why isn't... He's still alive. Why isn't... It's near fucking lizard. Morrissey? Yeah, bad guy. Has he gone...

Oh, okay. Too busy with all the supermarkets now? Morrison's. Busy mom. That's what he did. Roll back. I can't call it Morrissey. Because he'd know it was me.

It's a bit on the nose, eh. Tell you what, Morrison's have a good deli count to know. He's famously a vegetarian. Who? Morrissey. It can't be that famous.

He's known famously because he'd be in it. That's one of the Morrissey facts. So he's got all the gobshite medals. But he's also the one that wanted to ban fox hunting. Yeah. he's very like how long I've been in this country

what do you think about fox hunting ton I'm doing another screen man I want to get on a fucking horse and just plow right over I want to stomp

their heads oh no dogs no dogs no dogs don't do you with it yeah just smet but even any horse it's just wrong

get the fuck out of my trash just with an equestrian murder horse stomping question mr beer I guess we watched Ross Noble

when he was going up like a fucking equestrian murder horse Oh, they saw a dead fox yesterday and it really upset me What? This is too many screeches Is that what you did when you saw it on the road? It was dead sad.

Where was it? Like in the Central Reservation on Queen's Drive. In a roundabout? Do you know where on a... And you can screech again here then. Do you know whenever I hear central reservation I think about loads of water?

Like a reservoir Yeah, I think that's what it is A little too local You know like when Paul Inns crashed into the central reservation and lost his license I was like, did he do damage to a dam?

Paul That needs like the end of Cairbeian That needs like the end of Caribbean enthusiasm We've got to start fucking adding the Seinfeld music Can we get for the soundboard, because we all do them occasionally.

I was thinking the other day, and then everyone goes, the fuck you want about. Did you do that much to a dab? Tom, can I just explain? I think there might be a very dangerous gas leak in the studio. And we are all losing brain cells. It's making for some really fun

nonsensical podcasting. It's usually that you that sends us off the rails. We're never on the rails anymore. Wow. You know what's really coincidental about? that, Dan, is there's a gas leak at my house? And has been for 28 years.

Don't fix it, Tony! Is there someone that you do that for then? Like the phone call, like they're pulling your weight? If I wanted to... But I've said before, I've got a big fear of the people that I really, like, I'd hate to meet them and then have them be just a fucking lizard or just, like, mood.

I'd want one of the fun celebrities who I really like their stuff. Do you know, like, I really like Radiohead. I never want to meet any of Radiohead. Surely, no one wants to. I like Queens of the Stone Age. I'd love to meet Queens. Yeah, that would be a cool hand.

So it's not that they're my favourite ever. I think, I think guys like that are going to be a good. Ian, Beale. Brown. Oh, Stone Roses. Oh, okay. Ian. Smoked a joint with him in Melbourne, man.

Tom, I'm going to. You must have heard some Queens of the Stone Age. you all fucking love it I think I have man what's it go with the flow okay I can go with the flow

yeah the queen to the stone age goes to the flow I want to meet these guys I'll put it into AI and turn it into a 1950 soul song so I can appreciate it probably you've just said you smoked a joint with Ian Brown

who else if you smoked a joint with who's your top three You must have smoked drugs with some... Pretty cool people, yeah. Just like Carl? Huh? Who'd you smoke drugs with? Hey, listen, what we call it, my old?

Talk into the cops. Yeah, yeah. Who should talk three pots me? Do you know what you're drug smoking? Yeah, I'm like, I say it allowed, Tom. Who do you smoke drugs with, huh? Hey, Tom. Who do you should buy it from, Tom?

Do you know, where can I get myself some Mad of Juana, Tom? Well, let me get my phone out. number. Who's the cool people? You've smoked. I'll tell you the coolest one I've ever smoked joints with. And this one isn't going to harm anybody, man. Definitely was the first one that I, like, now this is...

I'll give you three to one. You don't know this person's name. Carry on. I'll give you three to one that you don't either. I want in on that. How much money has he got? The fact... The was the first famous person I ever opened for.

and that was Tommy Chong was the best... Tommy Chong smoked weed with me Tommy Chung Yeah As in Cheech and Chong From Cheech and Chong

Yeah The first person The first famous person I ever opened for Was Tommy Chong I was there I did three nights with a man Googleer

Yeah I didn't think And me Oh is that Chong I didn't link it to Cheech and Chong I thought it's just like a Chinese How much money do I owe you Finn that was a three to one bad man

it was him actually no I know that I know teaching John but I didn't know that was I didn't know Tommy Chong Wizards full yeah oh it was a smoke

we bit by Billy the Puff I want to get to his fame man his fame was the best Carl like because sorry dude am I interrupted talking too much I don't want to do that

Educators go go go oh dude so we would do the show man and and like I feel fit perfectly with Tommy at that time man because we were both fucking heavy fucking what and

and and Billy the ball but the best part about Tommy's show was at the end of the show he would do all the skits and everything except Cheech wasn't there on that one of his best jokes I remember his open a lot

a lot of people wonder why man that me and Cheech aren't working together and it's because we got rich man and you can't get a rich Mexican to do shit that was his opening joke and then he would introduce his wife shelby and bring her on to do all it cheats his thing but the best part was after a tommy chong show

everyone would throw fucking joints onto the stage man and there was a dude that just came up and fucking swept him all up and brought him backstage like we had the most and like when you went to his show a lot of the dope smuggers, like some of the best part was in one of those joints, but it was like a roulette kind of thing, you know what I mean? You'd have been so easy to assassinate.

Yeah, what do you mean by that, Dan? How so? We need to kill Tom Stade. I think he's opening for Tommy Chung. Throw one laced duby. Is that open an intercom? Let's just open the best. Let's hope he brings that one.

Hello, everybody. We'll get him. Hello, Assassin's Radio. Assassin's Radio, just to let everyone know what I'm doing tonight. I'm killing two Tams and I feel lonely so get back in touch. Thank you. Over. And up next, this is the killers with Mr.

Brighton. You're listening to Assassin Radio. I thought it was a CV. Oh, fuck. Is he still... Tommy Chong's still knocking him out. Is he still chonging? Yeah, he's still chung. I'm still chung in him.

He's still charring around. Where's Dave Cheech? What was Cheech's first name? What was his real name? Alan Cheech. Cheech? I think Cheech Martin, Martin, something, ma'am.

I don't even know, man. Cheech Marin, yeah. Oh, his first name was Cheech? Yeah. That's a cool first name, man. Yeah, but you guys didn't really have Cheech. I'm sorry, it's real, that's not his real name. His real name's Richard.

Oh, great. Now that wrecks it for me for my whole job. Work with Dick and Tom. So back to the question, is there anyone you'd call for? Yeah. We were talking about going to the streets, Dan, which do Mike Skinner? No, no. I love Mike.

I love Mike Skinner and what he's doing, but I think he has high bell-end risk. Although Mike Skinner from the streets, risk to your bell. Yeah, I think he might suck me off. Where is he on there? Is he 40 or 30? Is your bell in this tall? And you can't ride this ride? He's still in the 30.

He's still in his late 30s, so probably. I don't know. They're having a, he's coming back. They've had a good four or five years, haven't they? He can't be in his 30. He's got to be older than you. No, it's the analogy about,

popularity. Oh, sorry, yeah, of course. Popularity. That's very diplomatic. I've actually, he's a good level for you. I'd rather than you were. That'd be great. I'd be surprised if you knew.

Oh, yeah, I've heard of the pocket. That wouldn't blow me away. Well, he knows Johnny. Yeah, maybe. He's very accessible. He's quite accessible. He's quite accessible. Okay

Just a normal person, man Yeah, come on, man Wipes his ass after the shit, does he? That's what I say to him All right, man Let me in time I've heard you wipe your eyes after the shit What?

Can I have some cocaine? Please. Please. Hey, we all shit, don't we? This is lovely drugs, Tom, Skinner. Where did you get them? Tom Skinner? Don't go drinking with him.

I'm going to see Tom. He's on strictly. I'm going to go and see Tom Skinner It's done. Change it up. How's life, Tom? Oh, dude, I'm having a ball. I've decided I've finished showbiz.

You finished showbiz? Yeah, done, done, done. Nice for you to say goodbye here. Huh? Oh, no, no, no, no. This is a glory trip. But yeah, I finished it. Why?

That's what I think now. Like, I was sitting there thinking the other day I was going okay what else do I need out of this business nothing you know what I mean like I don't and I'm so lazy and I do the least for the most and I figure you know

everybody's going for arenas and all that sort of stuff but I'm hitting at 100 to 300 people and I figure that's my goal is completed so I'm having a great time that's what I'm saying hang on can we just you're not quitting no no I'm not quitting You've just stopped trying hard. Yeah, exactly.

I love this. Exactly. Ambition is out the fucking window. Should we clip it, Tommy? No. Ask me where I want to be in five years. Is it Lincoln Uni? Nope.

Keeping my gum disease intact. In tact? Keep hold of it. Just keeping it at bay right now. But if you ask me, like that's what I mean by the five years. if you ask yourself where you want to be in five years now from when you were 20 fucking total different spectrum

and I came and I came to the conclusion that fucking I'm done so that just is going to take care of itself forever now and now I just don't know what the fuck to do with myself except watch my wife sand floors and I mean that you look at a hobby Tom? Huh?

You know what you're doing it? VR man Yeah the VR headset Are you into that yeah Dude, it's the best. It's the greatest ever. Go porn again. See, that's a real man right there.

Porn. You're immediately thought it. I wonder if I could get a virtual chick to suck me off on. No, but you can. Of course you can. Fuck, God, that just said it. But, yeah, but there's so much more than that, man. I'm like into the games, dude.

I'm like a fucking child, man. I might as well go back to 16, dude. Like, I'm playing death unchanged. But you don't know what it is, do you? No, but in all VR games, I know they're really a massive amount. Dude, fucking death unchained, you're like a Templar night shooting zombies in the fucking face with an arrow. I'm like, my God, man, why was this not here when I was 16? Like, my whole life was built around fucking leisure time, man.

And, man, this VR thing is like it just, it takes you out of the world, man. You don't play it, do you? You guys are so mad. You guys, like, are in the real world and all that. No, I've watched loads of just old-school porn. Like, I'm not in the real world, but I don't VR game, but it does sound pretty good. I wouldn't be allowed to do it when my wife was sanding a floor, though. Nobody's allowed to do it while your wife's doing a great job, Drew.

A couple of zombies left. YouTube, get over here. Tom. Yeah. Do you know what? I think it's a very refreshing attitude. If you've gone, I'm happy where I am. This is where it's going to be.

Carl, Dan. Yeah. Finn. You're doing music and not, aren't you? Where do you want to be in five years? We'll start with you, Finn. Where do you want to be? I would like to be doing music as my main career. Whoa.

Oh, he wants out. That's actually really disrespectful. Yeah, he wants out, man. To this place. Well, you'll see later on in the episode. What? See what? It's my song at the end.

Oh, we'll come to that. Lovely, too. I saw your song on Spotify, Finn. Yeah? Yeah, country song. Didn't listen. Oh, not the country. Yeah, your country's.

I've got my playlist for a little while. It's the best one, isn't it? Nashville? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Walking down on Broadway. No, Luke Combs. No, no, no. Not even Leo Sayer, really.

I don't think you're going to make it in five years, Finn. I bet you five years from now, I'm going to come here and go, hey, Finn, what's up? Problem. I hope so. No, I'd still want to, I've said this loads. I'd still want to do this. I'd rather swap them around so music's the main one

and this is like just coming in and do this. I can't see that. Yeah, just come in and record. Yeah. I know, you've pitched this a few times back in your box. I can't see that though, man. No, I don't. Like, what if you did,

what if it became major world star, Finn, you became major world, I don't want to be major world star. You're touring all over the place, but you better be here between two and four on a way. You do want to be I don't want to be a major world So you got to a point where you were doing

I'd want to be doing like local gaffs like a thousand Yeah yeah But then your age up went Listen Your new song is popping off And I think we can move up You go

It looks too stressful being like Justin Bieber I don't want to be just No you're not going to be You want to be Tom State I want to yeah You want to be

You want to play Chorley Theatre You know And almost sell it out I'm in my 40s There's no way you would stop your age and getting you bigger gigs. I know, but this isn't happening. No, but you said you don't want it.

Well, there's a refreshing. But it's what happened. You want it? You need to want it. Yeah, no, but I want... He needs to want what he doesn't want. No, I'm saying if it happened, he'd take it. But he's saying he'd take it.

But then he's saying he'd take it. Yeah, like Dan doesn't want to be playing stadiums. But then he went into a stadium. And it's a bit of an easy decision to make. But look, if we lost Finn, Harry could go right there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Harry. He's waiting in the weird. He's sidelined. He's waiting. He has to do a podcast with Carl. In five years' time is still three levels below Adam in the career stakes. It's great.

It's worked out for me really well for the last five. I'll just keep in this lane. It's great. That genuine, like, how we've got... What are you saying, Dan? I missed that. I missed that because I was paying attention to Harry for a second. What did you say?

I want the pod to grow. Yeah. I want the, that's the priority. The patrons astounded. I want the pod to grow. I want all of us to be able. able to sell tickets out but how things have been the last three years i would happily maintain with a bit of progression yeah that would be fine like i'm not like aiming because i don't want to do

loads more i like my life i like where i live i like doing this yeah so how much more like i know adam scheduled just because he's got so many extra gigs he's there's there's tv stuff i i haven't got the i just don't want that adam's got drive man he's got like dry. I've got less. Yeah. I've got less than I used to have though. Do you? Uh, I, I'm always but sorry. Yeah, I, like, it's still there, but like, I've been

a sort of watching what Thomas Green is doing recently and I've been like, that was me. Like, sort of five, six years ago. And I'm just watching him work harder than I am and going, I probably need to get back to that. What is he doing? I don't know. He's hustling really hard. He's had an amazing year or so.

Okay. He's tipping out his comedy, growing a, growing his social. Is he selling out Chorley? He's doing, he's, my boy's selling out Chorley. Can he go to the South End Street Theater? So Thomas Green. Thomas Green's just added a sixth night at Leicester Square in London. Oh, wow.

Well, that, yeah, that he's. You know what, like he's shafting tickets. That's great, though. But that's what you want for all these people, man. I hate to say it, but that's what you want at a, like when I was his age, that's what I would have wanted. Yeah. You know what I mean?

So good for that, man. Good for him. And the drive, whatever it is he's doing. I'm assuming it's all like social media shit and everything because that's, I don't, I don't see him on too many TV shows. No, he's not doing much TV. But what he's also doing is if he opens for someone or if he does, if he does hot water and does the weekend, after his set, he is stood in the bar with like business cards with a QR code on.

and he's like oh i'm going on tour take a business card scan that buy tickets come and see me at every gig now i used to do that i used to go around with a clipboard and collect emails for the mailing list he's just working to like the nth degree and collecting emails and selling tickets at club gigs and it's working massively and his and his social media's really booted off well that's good man that's well that's new world now aren't we because i because i'm going to be honest with you i was i was doing that before everybody I would always go out with my fans and go and party with them, like, from the beginning, man. Like, even of last- When you're taking emails, or you just...

No, I was just going out, right? It was, I was around before emails. Put your home phone number here. Oh, I've got a lot of phone numbers. I'll call you when I'm coming back. Dude, do you want to know what? Okay, yeah, I get that, man. So he got, like, what is he got a little...

Every time when I went to Edinburgh this year, I saw everybody had their poster with the QR code and gives you all your social media shit and all that sort of stuff, yeah? So, yeah, of course that's what you should do. I don't know why I'm not doing it. Maybe I could get them extra. It doesn't work if you're not good.

Huh? Like, look at Vittorio, look at Mike Rice. Yeah, they're not good. It only works if you're good. What a weird way for that sentence. I meant, I did not mean that. Hey, Victoria, Mike. You did not mean.

You did not go on those way. My rice. and they know it and it's not waiting and then you've got to be good like those guys fuck sake luckily

Victoria is not all over the internet so definitely save it for the roast buddy where do you want to be in five years oh I can't say that

Adam and Luke's country comedy world tour Adam and Luke me and Luke Holmes he lets you go first in the villain well yeah Gillis and Zapp Ryan

are doing it yeah yeah me and Luke Tom just to let you know in five years We're going to have some guest co-host spots going.

Yeah, I'll be here. Hey, me and you got the same drive, Dad. I want to sell out Anfield in my 40s. Let me see. That's it. I think you will, Adam. I think you could do it. Anfield?

What's on the offield? I think Finn will probably want to open. Yeah, I think he can open. As long as he does covers. That's fine. I'll do that. I will do that. Country covers.

I'll sell myself. None of your own music, buddy, you just don't have it. I just want this with a club. I want to own a comedy club. We need a comedy club. I can do that, yeah. I think the fact that hot water is so big for how small of a city Liverpool actually is,

it wouldn't be here. Maybe in Manchester, somewhere like that. I think Leeds is there for the taken as well. But I think Manchester is massive and only has the frog now. Okay. And if we could get the right space in Manchester, There's Creatures Comedy Club as well, which is obviously smaller venue and like really sort of indie brand. But I'd like to do a proper...

I was talking to Don at the Comedy Store a couple weeks ago. I went down and did Adam Rowan friends in London at the store. Yeah, I guess I wasn't there. But yeah, cool. Tell me about all your friends, I guess. I was like, I think there should be a comedy club where we're trying to get people who've got like profile on every night. and there's like New York style everyone's got profile

but the lineups just stacked with people doing new stuff whatever they want to do and people like you know you could put Mike Rice Vittorio me you Dan Paul Smith and

Janine Haruni all on one bill and then people aren't coming to see any of us it doesn't affect our tour sales but then do I mean yeah I do man I threw in a funny there I just didn't interrupt

I just want us to have I want a club our own space with its eyes. If the bill's like that every night, we're going to do just fine. Yeah. I think you will, though, Adam,

you could be like the Joe Rogan guy. Yeah. Like, you could totally do it. If you made a half-a-word comedy club, like, if you actually made have-a-word comedy club, people will go to it, man. And you know how I know? You don't want to know how I know?

Because every time I do this show, right? Every time I come on this one, my fucking, I'll tell you, I'm playing, your hot water and then I'm also playing the Cheltenham Playhouse so we need 70 more tickets to hold. Loads of loads of lids in the Cotswold. But what I'm saying is that

you're, they trust you guys, man. They trust you guys to set up that sort of shit. Uh-oh, somebody died? I don't know when that happened, but have you been on me for a while? It's better not be a charles. I've not looked at it for a while. What's up? What's happened? Let's take a break.

Let's take a break. You don't know what happened? Sorry about that. I thought I'd press the button that completely took my mic off for the whole of the last section, but it was absolutely... Well, it'd have been a better pod if you did.

Not bad. Not bad. Getting ready for the roast. Because you shit? You shit at this, that? I love roast comedy. Makes me feel bad. But everyone else is laughing, so that's fine.

Tom, you make. mentioned about people listening to this and watching this and then following you. Give us your handles, your socials, your websites so that people can come and see you on tour. I'm getting better out of damn. Thank you for asking me, by the way, because normally I thought it would be cool. I used to not do it because I thought it's too cool to give away social media stuff. But now I'm not.

So on Twitter, you can see me being racist. No. That's the best place to do it, though. They like follow over. Hey, man. And if you look, I love watching people do bad behavior. I just do. Like, there's talent.

And then if I could see something, buddy, stabbing somebody, I will. Of course, I will. I'll watch your handle, Tom. Oh, my handle is Tom stayed comic on Twitter. Tom stayed on Instagram, too. I mean, if you just... You're stayed.com. You're stayed.com on Instagram.

Thank you. Yeah. You got to listen to the... this guy's new song. Tom's, not yet, no, yeah. It's a good one. So, yeah, state dot Tom yeah, on Instagram.

Yeah, Tom State. Do you on TikTok, Tom? Yeah, I'm trying. I shouldn't they call him now, TikTok, Tom. TikTok, Tom. Tom State comic on TikTok as well. Yeah, yeah. And I'm doing okay on that, I think.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to, I think I'm at, I think I just hit. I was on 16,000 point four. You're on 16.5 now. Oh, 16.5. But I posted up my Glasgow Child Soldier joke

and that pushed me over the edge. Tom, do you ever the only like real-life TikToks, like dancers or anything around the house? Ah, no. Would you that? Because, because, Carl, what I'm trying to do right now is get all my back catalogue

on social media. And once I load that up, which will take years because I'm so prolific. But whatever. And then I will slam. I will go into Connor Byrne mode. I will go into Thomas Green mode. And I will slam it with whatever.

I'll go up there and just something I wrote casually. It will probably get a million views. But whatever. Right now I'm just putting my 20-year-old Tom out there. Just for when my great grandkids show up and they wonder what I look like. but oh i got something cool to tell you really cool man you know i'm related to a really famous pirate right no tom you've been in this podcast probably six times

and you've never said you're related to yeah yeah well i am okay there's a guy name olivier lavasse look that up okay lay now to spell it and then look that up lavasor yeah i found him yeah he's a french pirate you betcha that is one of my laboose leboose yeah the buzzer you bethers yeah the buzzer you bet How did you know you related to him? Because it's on my mother's side. My grandfather was an army communications guy.

And I knew that that guy was one of my relatives on the Lavaster side. Huge, man. That's so good. But what was really cool is he was the only pirate not to give in to the French thing. And he buried his fucking treasure. And they just found it. So I guess I'm in the money. What?

No. I got so excited that. What are you doing? But no, no, I was really excited because that guy has a real relative of mine way distant, and they found his treasure and all that sort of stuff. And I thought, you know,

I thought I'd throw that out here too. What was the treasure? It was millions and millions of gold bullions and all that shit. This guy was ruthless, man. He was awesome. Just a gold coin in it. Huh?

Is it like a block in it in my head? Oh, is it? Maybe it is a coin. No, it's bullions. Oh, is it like little, little... I don't know, balloons. What did they call? Yeah, it's gold balloons.

Balloons. I thought a bullion was like a, thought you could stack. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They are. It's the bars. Yeah, yeah. He had a whole bunch of them, man. That seems weird that a pirate had gold bars.

He was rich. I'm on his Wikipedia. He came from a bourgeois family. Bourgeois Z. So where's your money then? Huh? Exactly. Oh, I feel a special coming on, the Treasure Hunt special.

Oh, no. We'll go on a friends, maybe. Madagascar, buddy, that's what... We could do a treasure unspecial, because there is loads of rumoured buried treasure from era's gone by, isn't that? What?

Yeah. It's there? I don't think they... I'm sick of hearing about it. Rumored treasures, era's gone by the way. I thought of a good challenge for you guys, by the way. There's loads of treasure, like,

still out there where people, like, there's trillions of dollars worth of trinkets that no one's ever found. In bullion. Go and do it, actually. That would be a great special. You're coming with us. I will.

I'm not doing this without you. I will totally come with you. I got a shovel and shit. Like, we will fucking find it. I'll get my company. No wonder you've stopped trying with your career. You've got all that fucking pirate money.

I'm looking for fucking a new purpose in life. I mean, technically by the letter of the law, I was a pilot in my teenage years. Because I used to sell fake DVDs. Oh, yeah? Yeah, that would be... Technically, I'm a pilot.

You didn't rob a car. Would you have them? Yeah. He would have the keys with it? Yeah. Where'd you bury? Damn load a card online my head and fucking rob your car, mate, yeah. I think I had that bit.

I just want to know where you buried all your DVD. Oh, I wonder when the last time they ever sold the DVD was. And I didn't even know. No. Yeah. My last level one. End of an era of this, boys. It's the last one, though.

Three pound them. I love the pirate DVD, man. Where did you sell them? I used to, so I had a, we've covered this before on the pub, but it was a while ago. I had like sort of three jobs. So I sold sweets on the art at school. Okay. I had a paper round.

The paper round only paid £12 a week. Yeah, I didn't know. But the paper round was my customer base for my DVDs. So everyone I delivered a paper to, I would knock with like a list and be like, do you want any of these? And when I come to collect the money next week, I'll drop your DVD off. So I went round to all the doors and I'd have like me bag full of newspapers. But in there was also like envelopes with the people. people's orders for that week what did they i don't want to always get back to dick jokes of

fucking hate but did they do the mostly porn or did they sit there and go i don't think i sold any porn you can't be a 12 year old selling porn on a bike there's a light there's got to be a lot look get with the times it was three pound each two for the fiber yeah or uh and like that was for whole albums but for five pound for one disc you could pick any 10 songs and I'll put that up your own little compilation. Nice man. You were doing music mixtapes as well? Yeah? I did that. Give me ten songs.

I'll put them on one CD if you. Did you ever make a cover for them? Remember I bought one and someone made me a cover? Martin Greeno. No, I had the competition. Did you have a CD pen? Yeah. I had a little mark pen that went like on there. Yeah. Adams

bangers. Not porn. Man. Look how far you've come at him. No, he still does the DVDs if you want it. This whole podcast is just a way to sell DVDs. You won't my DVD? I do have a challenge for you, man.

Okay, you want a challenge? It's a phone jacket quote. It's a phone jacket. Tom's got a challenge. I do have a challenge for you that I think. So my son just did the 48-hour film challenge. Okay. Okay, I don't know if you know what that is.

Do you know what that is? Is this a porn thing? No, it's not a porn thing. 48 hour fuckathon is uh what's her name blue here whatever um bluey what is bluey body blue blue yeah it's not blue blue yeah it's not blueie you're right

um I would love to see you guys do the 48 hour film challenge man like there's going to be one for Liverpool and I would love to see you guys enter that Tom we're going to have to know what it is Okay. What it is, is, okay, the 48-hour film challenge, you've got to make a short film, you've got 48 hours to do it. You've only got two days, okay? And they give you, you don't know what topic you're getting, so you don't know if you're going to get a comedy whore, Western drama, like... This literally sounds like our patron specials so far. Yeah, so you don't know which one you're going to get. Then you have to have, within that, you have to have an item that they give you, has to be in the movie, and a line also. has to be in the movie. Okay. And then the winner goes to Sundance and all that

shit, man. And so I was really gutted, because I was thinking about this on the drive over here. I was really gutted because Mason and me, my son, my son and me, we enter that shit all the time, man. And this was the first year that I didn't

get to be in it because I was on tour and all that sort of stuff. But I was sitting there going, when I was driving down, I was going, oh, fuck, I wonder what Adam and Dan would do in 48 hours for the film challenge and the best part about it would be I would love to see you win it

I think we could win it it's a funny fucking special anyway yeah because it'd be like inception it'd be like you guys filming you doing the 48 hour challenge plus you get the 48 hour film challenge thing so that's how long does a short film have to be it's five minutes

what five minutes court at the end though five minutes yeah five minutes five minutes no man you think you think you could do it it's fucking hard dude two minutes with film it's so hard it's so hard

you could do it huh I'd love a horror film yeah man but go just in the corporate tell me tell me when the 48 hour film challenge is in Liverpool there doesn't seem to be more announced at the minute in Liverpool there was one last year it was last

November okay last time they've done it here but there's a You should do I don't. Yeah, there's nothing at the minute. No, no, you've got to enter in, Carl. You can't just do it on your own. There's also an option of doing it somewhere else. Yeah, you can do it somewhere else.

Because they did, like, there's one in Marrakesh next week. We're not busy? I'm not going there without Uncle Robert. Is Sundance festival named after Butch and Sundance? Yeah, Robert Redford. The Sundance Kid, is it? Yeah. What's the film?

Sundance Kid. Yeah. I thought it was like a chicken and egg situation where no one knew what came first. All right. Yeah, that's what I want you go. I'd love to see that. Sundance is in the state, isn't it? I would guess it was in.

Utah. I was going to go Arizona. I'll stand corrected. Utah. Is it? That'd be cool. Look home. I'd be there.

You better. Watch Adam all starts. I reckon challenge accepted. Okay. Provisional. Tell me which one you're entering. No, you're in it. Tom, you don't get to just set it with you.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. Oh, dude. You just got a ringer, Okay? Because I'm like a pro at this shit. Yeah. That's amazing, Dan. I would love that. Shall we do some executive orders? This ain't just any order. This is an executive order. Tom, this feels dangerous.

Okay. But there's people in charge of the world that are fucking less likable than you. So if you were presidente of the world. There's people in charge of the world who are less likable than you You're everyone ate you But there's people who hates people even more You're likable and Trump's a cunt

That's all the man You're framing things quite badly Yeah yeah I just think you're framing's a bit off I've had some There's people in the world who are less likable than you Even you If I said there's people in the world If I went down

Do you know what There's people in the world Who are fat and organlier than you Would you have been like Oh thank you That's not wrong It's not wrong. But yeah, I'll see you.

There's bad people in the world, Tom. You're not one of them. What would you do? What are your executive orders? Okay, because I was prepared for this. Yeah. I was prepared for this, okay? So my first executive order,

I was really thinking about this, is I'd get rid of democracy. Okay. My first executive order, because democracy is not working. We're electing, we're electing like really shitty people. But you know what is working?

The postcode lottery. Okay? Everybody loves it. So what I think is that we get rid, we get rid of democracy, and so you got four years, and it's like jury duty. So we postcode lottery you,

and we get three from everyone, Okay, three from every whatever the area is that you got to represent. Constituency. Constituency. Three, and then we let them have a month to figure out what they want to do with this country. And then we vote on just those three.

Because I think, this is what I really think, that everybody I've ever known that wanted power, you know what I mean? Was a narcissist egotomaniac? Like, I never want to be Prime Minister should stop you from running for Prime Minister. Yeah, exactly. You wanting to be it makes you a gun.

Say that again, Carl. Like the Philosopher's Stone. You've got to want it but not want to use it to get it. It is. I don't think we're going to run this on a Philosopher's Stone though, are we? He encapsulated it perfectly, but your Adam was valid. I like it. But you see what I'm saying, man?

So that's my first executive order. Can I ask some questions about the old Postcode lottery? because I don't understand it still. What it looks like is someone just turns up in a van with some novelty checks and goes, hey, I don't know you know, but everyone in this postcode won this money. Is that a postcode lottery works, right?

You've got a postcard, haven't you? Yeah. I'm a real boy. So if you sign up to the postcode lottery now, your postcode is now, like, valid and in it, yeah? If everyone else on your street signs up, if your postcode wins, you all share the money.

Right. But if you're not signed up, then everyone else on your street is to win here, but not you. Shit. Right? So it's actually in your interest

to not have your neighbours in it. So don't even tell them about it. No, just threaten them. Yeah, yeah. Like send them letters, be like, you better not join the postcode lottery. Graham, you're fat cunt.

Don't even mention it to them. Yeah. No, I think death threats is well. I'm going to kill you if you sign up for the postcode lottery, Graham. Damn. Number 22. How much can you win?

We've won $10, yeah. How much can you win on it? $400,000. Yeah, yeah. There was, like, really close to us won it in Wishaw, man. Really close to us. Has your postcode already been done? Well, Trudy puts us in it all the time, man.

Because I'm like, I'm with that. I'm like, no way am I missing out on the postcode lottery. There's no way I'm missing out. Yeah, imagine the Gympie Navy. I've got, I've got, I think it's like, it costs you like five bucks or something stupid like that. But I've got like subscriptions for Sky and all of that sort of stuff. So this just fucking falls right in there just in case, man.

And every now and then you do win something. Do you know what I've decided? I don't think anything would make me happier. I'm more interested in watching like the documentary that could follow than you and Trudy winning the Euro millions. I think if you and Trudy won like 173 million pounds

He'd be dead. How long would you give her? How long do you'd think you last? What's the first thing you do? Unlimited money, how long do you think you're lasting for? Because that essentially is unlimited money, isn't it? No, it's not 173 million.

You can't even get a good yacht for that? Yeah. Yeah, we were, well... Can you not? God, well, let's start off with all the cosmetic surgery, probably. Would you get a new ad? For you or Trudy? Well, for Trudy, come on.

Fucking got to keep that bitch up. For me, for me, I think I would personally last... I'm not in my prime anymore, so about a year maybe. be the funnest year ever it would be the best year ever what are you doing with the year uh well you you definitely hit it on a yacht and definitely big ass houses but but i i'd like to hide from my problems so fucking i would i would dig in pretty hard to oh that's good hide in money yeah like i would so self-sabotage me for sure man and i would love it i would love every minute of it my biggest fear is if i went that hard and couldn't afford it so that's what we're

why I don't ever go that hard. Yeah. But as soon as I could afford it, oh my God, man. Of course I'm going to Charlie Sheen. I'm going to be like, you'll see me on TV going, I'm fucking drink tigers, blah.

You know, like, blah. All that sort of. So I think I would go, yeah, it would be about a year, man. But I would try everything for sure, man. Because now I got no fear. I don't think your life would really change much. You know?

I think you'd just have loads of money. I'd have a bigger house. Yeah, but that'd be here. Yeah. But when you try all the great drugs knowing that you could afford them for the rest of your life? Is that the reason you don't do them?

It's because if you get on smack, you can't afford it. Yeah, that's what I think. I think, like, the only reason people do heroin. How much, how much would you need for a wee? Like, how much would it cost? Seven smacks? Yeah.

Ray Charles was looking pretty good. Where would you buy it, Tom? Huh? Why would you buy his smack? No, but how much would it cost? Oh, it'd be good smack, though. No, how much is a smack addiction a week? Well, it depends, don't it?

Because, like, smack heads who live on the streets, they're getting bad smack, which is why they die. But, like, the good smack apparently helps you live longer. That's why Keith Richards is still performing. Helps you live longer. Yeah. How much is good? Because you can afford...

Keith Richards has been smacked off his tit since he was, like, nine or something, on he? He's keeping him alive. To be fair, if Keith Richards stopped doing smack, it would be your nana and fags all over, all over again. Your nana and cigarettes. Is they going to do with it? VAR. VAR.

LAT. Your nana and cigarette. Yeah, I'd say it costs a grand a week. Yeah. I don't know how much heroin you have at one time, but 0.1 grams of heroin is a tenor. Is it a tenor? So, yeah.

Say it was 500 pounds a week. Could you not afford a two-grat? It's not 500. Smack's not notorious. You're saying like the cheap one. Okay, then so you cut, I mean, please don't do this. You could afford the smack addiction, Tom. Yeah, but the problem is is that I could afford it now.

But I would eventually drain the money because if I was on smack, I wouldn't be able to write that show or anything. I'd just be sitting around. I'd like, if I'm going to do smack, I want to be able to just lie on the couch and be in the la, la, la, land that you're supposed, you know, and somebody comes and fucks me

and I don't even know what the fucks. Like, that's a smack. It doesn't sound very expensive, this smack lifestyle, you know. You've got 170 million pounds in the bank. I'm saying. I think you're spending about 1,500 quid a week. this is going to last forever yeah yeah

well no honestly though but if you say your damn rights because if Keith Richards is on it like maybe I don't know why I'm scared to do it actually I'm not called Trude right now I'll go hey Trude

We are not the source of your smacher Put the furnace down Trude The floor looks fine man I'd immediately I'd immediately buy a massive house and build a water park around it, like you'd be able to get from room to room on water slides.

Yeah, fucking Kim Junk. Like a four-year-old. You'd have a lot. Yeah? Tell me you wouldn't live in ours. If you lived in a water park? Water park house. Yeah.

That'd be amazing. Would you have to take your clothes off all the time, though? No. I've never dressed in the outside anyway. It's his water park. No, no, I'm saying like, if you're, if you're going out and the only way to get out is via a water slide.

No, I didn't say the only way out. That's a design for it. Big, big. dinner tonight. Oh shit. I'm going to be taking some candy floss to

your friends off yeah. Yeah. It'd melt wouldn't it? This is the craziest executive order

ever. We went from postcode lottery. So you become unlimitedly rich you're like yeah, I want a big house and

water slides and that's all you need. Yeah. Just a pint a ticket to the match and a mansion with water slides. And a paddle court.

Ninety paddle courts. Genuinely, I'd have have a paddle court built immediately. I'd have several water slides, like one or two, like, good Sion Park level ones, then a couple of, like, medium ones. Do I mean?

Just break up for fun. I don't know if it's too fun. I'd have a pub in there with a permanent bartender who his entire job is to just maintain the Guinness line so that at all times I can go in and get the best pint of Guinness in Liverpool. I'll take that job.

You still living Liverpool? Would you just be there on your own, though? What? Would you just be there on your own? well anyone would be welcome over you can come and hang out you come on the water slide have a pint right you need a monkey yeah get a monkey a big one that's a gorilla like a bubbles or like a like a little capuchin one bubbles two capuchins please yeah well and it doesn't even need to be that big of it out as long as I can put me pub and my paddle cord isn't it and water

slides going into all the room I can imagine you into other rooms feels a bit unnecessary so I just need a couple of acres then to put a water park on. 170 million and get you that. Yeah. Keep 10 million in. But wouldn't you get bored after like about seven years of water slides?

Seven years? I'll be so sad the day when you get on the water sliding and go, this isn't doing anything for me. I just don't think water slides will ever not be fun. Yeah, they're fun because you don't go on them very often.

I don't think that's true. We've got to match all the time. It's like that. You don't go every day. No? but if you're on the water's light every day, it would quickly lose its charm. Remember I heard the song,

I wish it were Christmas every day? I don't. Did you realize how pretty you don't act? I thought it was an anti-Christmas song, but it's not. I thought it was an anti-Christmas song. I wish it could be Christmas every day. He ate Christmas, him? You get bored with them.

Tom, have you got any other executive orders? Okay. another one. Got another one. Okay. Here we go. I would make it mandatory that every citizen

needs an hour of therapy every week. That's a good one. That's a good one. Are they supposed to be funny or real, by the way? Both. Whatever you want. I was really thinking about them going,

okay, yeah, yeah, because you got all the fucking loonies, right? Like, if you sat them down, if you gave them like an hour outside the bubble just with like a some sort of therapist and them sitting in the couch going I don't know why I want to put a flag on all the overpasses you know what I mean

sort of talk you down from the ledge from there I go to therapy once a week an hour a week and it's fucking class and it stops you'd have an arguments with people because you just win you see a therapist about all the stuff she's doing yeah and he stopped putting flags up So that's great.

Yeah. Just, I don't know why I'm so angry at people from foreign countries staying in hotels. What do you think of that? I know if everyone was right and happy, do you think? Therapy doesn't make you happy. No, why you're not? No, what I'm saying, all these people who are painting flags aren't. I'm right, though, aren't.

The flag painters aren't happy, are they? No. They're angry at nothing. Hmm. They're angry. No, they're angry at what they're being fed. You know what I mean, but I mean, yeah, angry at the story they're being told you.

I want to rewind that too, though, by the way. Do you go for an hour once a week to, what do you talk to her about or him or whatever? It's a woman, I assume. Okay. But I haven't actually asked, so you never know. I talk about my childhood, about my missus, about my job, about my life.

Whatever sort of comes up. And what is, okay, what do you get out of it then, man? Like, I love it. I just... You know, I think it's very easy to go through a lot when you're a child and not really pay attention to how fucked up it is. Everything you go through as a child

to you as a child feels like what every child is going through. Right. But that's not necessarily true. And then it just takes someone else to listen to a story and go, hey, you know, there. He should have hugged you. He shouldn't have locked you in the back garden. Yeah.

Sorry about that, Adam Are you locked in a garden? What? Locked you off the house. Yeah. Oh. No, there was one time, this wasn't when I was a child.

This was really funny though. Okay. So when my dad started drinking quite heavily, and me and him started having really big arguments because my mum had already, like, died from alcoholism. So I was like, you can't be doing this in the house. And he was like, this is my fucking house, fuck you. Which now that I'm a bit older,

I sort of understand the sense. a bit more. But we'd have a big argument and he kicked me out and told me to fuck off out the house. I must have told this story on the pod at some point. Oh, I know what you're talking about.

I just. So we'd not long had Sky TV installed in the house and what my dad didn't know is that you could get an app on your phone and control your Skybox from the phone. So my dad had kicked me out the house we're having like a big argument

and he was drunk. And I just stood outside the window and just kept changing the channel. And I could see him in the living room. I'm going, this fucking, fucking work. He's getting more and more angry. And he keeps changing it back.

And then every time his ass would touch the couch, I'd just change it again. He'd get up, he'd be, it's a fucking, he's losing his mind. So then I called the house phone. And he answered it. So I just put a voice on and I was like, hi, I think you're having some problems with your sky service.

We've got like a few things that are flashing up. on the dashboard here at the control center. And he's like, yeah, it's not fucking way. I keep changing it. And it keeps going to the wrong fucking, fucking, and I was like, yeah, I can see that, yeah. Well, often with what we see is the problem when this starts happening is it means

there's something blocking the sky dish. Maybe like something has fell off the roof. Maybe it might be like a bird that has died or like fell and knocked the dish a bit. So could you just go outside and just check the, check the dish and see if there's anything blocking it and he's like,

right, I'll stay on the phone, I'll fucking do that now. And my dad went out and walked like sort of 20 yards away from the house to look up at the Skydish. And as he was doing that, I ran in the house and locked him out. But then he did it back to Adam and Adam,

I believed it. That's hilarious. Adam, that's so funny, man. Why, why, I, I, I had El had alcoholics, raging alcoholics in my family, but none of them were mean. No, I think what happened was.

You know, like, I'm a raging alcoholic, but I would never mean to my kids, man. No, I think what happened truly, and we've never really talked about this on the pod, when I first moved in with my dad, I realized how much he drank, which he always did. But like, when I lived with me,

my mom was a dependent, unfunctioning alcoholic by the end. So when I see my dad drank, as well. I was like, you can't do this. This is why we've had to move with you because my mum drinks so much that so I was like, stop doing that and he was like fuck you, no, like I'm

still functioning. I'm not your mum. And he refused to accept the parallel and I was just like how can you not see the parallel and that caused arguments and friction. So he wasn't just like getting drunk and then being like fuck, he wasn't that guy. Okay. But like he would, any

questioning of his habits he would fucking reject that. Right. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, no, that makes me an alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic. I just like a fucking drink. It doesn't matter that I'm doing, like, I'm fine. I'm still going to work. I'm still doing this.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, like, he refused to accept there was any issue. But as I was like, you're doing exactly what my mom did. And he's like, I don't care. You don't get to tell me what to do. You're my son. I'm your dad. This is that work.

So it wasn't like he was abusive. He was reactive to criticism. Okay, cool. Do you know what I mean? So he could have used an hour therapy. Absolutely. He could have seen. So how many dudes like that could use,

so that would be a great executive order, probably calm this world down? Our dad's generation in therapy would be a tough watch. It'd take a while to break them down. Wow. I think, as much as I do think therapy helps people, and I'm a big advocate for it because I go.

Oh no, yeah. I go. I do think that the reason people are having less and less children over time is that we're all becoming more self-aware because of therapy. So, like, I think going to therapy and realizing that even

though your parents did their best, they fucked you up, makes you go, how am I going to fuck my kids up? Best to just not have them. So I genuinely think that is a massive contributing thing. I think as generations are getting more self-aware,

less toxic, starting to question, hey, when my granddad used to scream at my nan and lock her in the broom coming for a few hours. Maybe that was a bad idea. Oh, yeah, we had a lot of that. Like, I think... There's so much of that. Like, as people get sort of less toxic, more self-aware and question how their parents and

grandparents affected them. And also, one thing that my therapist is particularly keen on, like, I've spoke about things that, like, my mum and my dad sort of tried to do well when I was young, but, like, it turns out what they did, despite having good intentions, probably had significant negative effects, like one example, which I've spoke about on stage, but I've never really sort of therapies until recently. Like, I was really conscious of my lazy eye. You don't want to be on this coach, man. I was very conscious of my lazy eye when I was a kid, and I'd get picked on and bullied for it. And my mum's attitude towards that always was,

I love your eye. I would never change it. I think it's great. It makes you who you are. I wouldn't change it. Yeah. And even as a four-year-old, I was like, well, that's bullshit. shit of course she'd fucking change it like makes my life shit you hate seeing me miserable of course she'd fucking so the fact that she tried to make me feel better by saying i like your floor it meant i never really trusted anything she ever said because i knew she was capable of lying to protect me do you know i mean yeah i do so so she did she did what she thought was right and was very well intention but actually it had a significant bad effect and then you go well if my kid was born

with a deformity, would I just be like, yeah, I hate your fucking legs? Even though it was his eye. That'd be harsh. I hate them. Because it depends on the child, but me,

what would have benefited, what I know now is I think I'd have dealt a lot better with my mum going, your eyes fucked and I love you and it would obviously be better if it was not fucked. But the fact that it is

doesn't make you less of a person. It just means people are going to be a country and we have to deal with that. Right. That would have been better for me. But to a different child, what she would have done would have been the right thing to do. Right. And you never know what that's going to be. And I think the fact that people are going to therapy and realizing these things that

your parents are always guessing it's their first time on the planet as well. Like, you're going to fuck it up. You just don't know how. And I think that is making people have less children. Yeah, my opinion. Yeah. I agree 100%. 100%.

Being a parent myself, there's no way I've not scarred my children. There's no fucking way. But you're right. For me to do, she did her best. Yeah. Is what I don't think a lot of people would realize. Like everybody's doing their best. So long as you're not like, what's the guy that ended up fucking his daughter in Germany?

Yeah. Fritzel. That doesn't seem like that was his best. He could have done better with that. But that's an interesting philosophical question, isn't it? Did he do his best? No. If he'd done his best, they'd have him been found?

Yeah. Oh, no, we're not saying be the better peterophile abuser. Yeah, like, oh. Great sex offender. If he was the goat of that? Great sex offender. Not a great parent. Yeah, but like, was he the best sex offender that he could be?

Wouldn't one more law? have done a better job well he could go and that's why I don't want to have kids will I ever hit the fritzel level just one more lock spending a lot of money with BNQ on locks

do you don't have kids dead no I'd talk to Adam too much I just jizz into my hands I still want kids I think I'll nail it right because I've been to therapy and I've figured it all out no way

but like everyone else I understand why they're like I'm going to this off. Yeah. Do you know what it means? Yeah, I still had them. Yeah.

And I might fuck him up a bit. Yeah, well, you know, it's not that you might, you will. You just don't know how. Yeah, so who isn't fucked up then? Yeah. I think everyone is a bit.

But that doesn't that create the character, that doesn't that, that history create who you are? Like mold this person in the fires of fucking hell or whatever. Like, you're like, you wouldn't be this great comedian.

and if all that shit didn't happen. Yeah, that's why I'm mean to my kids because I'm like, you've got to think about your first stand-up special for the shows. I'm like, Etta, you're crying now, but this is going to get on Netflix. Look at the big picture.

Back in the basement. That is what Bill Bear said to my dad when he met him. So the first time I work with him and introduced him to me dad afterwards, my dad said to Bill Bear, you know, you've been a big inspiration, to Adam, like, a lot of his comedy, like, has sort of come from following you. And Bill said, don't blame me for this shit.

Anyone who's this funny, their parents, fuck them up. This is all on you. Yeah, man. It's such a good quota. And then Adam's dad said, class, isn't it? And Adam's dad said, don't tell me what the fuck you do. Jesus shit.

Lock him out, Adam. Tommy, that's a pod. Thank you so much for coming down. Go and see Tom. on tour he is one of the most amazing comics you will see

live, a legend. Still live. You've got your song to plug. Yes. My new song, The Come Back.

Nice. Which is, it's definitely the most interesting tunes of. Are you excited? Can I ask? It's the first time

I've ever written a song to a title. The Instrumental was made first and we called it The Comeback and I kind of wrote it to that. You're excited about this one? I'm really excited.

Worked with a new producer. It's a really excited. really interesting sound. And I put, yeah, my heart and soul into it's a new sound. Is it? Definitely a new sound. Yeah, so I hope people...

He's good, Tommy. Listen to it. No, I, like, I've already checked out on Spotify and all that. So if I'm driving home, I'll be able to listen to this. You'll be able to listen to it. It was out on Friday yesterday. It's, uh, it's good. Yeah.

And then come and see me and the band live. All the stuff is in the bio for, for everyone. For me, for Dan, for Adam. Carl, Tom, everything's in the bio. When's that show coming up? Liverpool's on the 5th of December, London on the 8th November, Manchester on the 9th November.

All the tickets are in the same place. And buy tickets to the arena. And that is a podcast, ladies and gents. Havewebop.com. Everybody happy? And your merch, keep you that, your merch, Christmas merch, and other merch on sale.

Very soon, Stephen. Give me a nod. Yes. Thanks, Tom. Appreciate you. I've got merch too. Bye, everybody. I got merch.

Bye, foodie. Red light. I kept waiting. I kept the waiting, but I left it too late. The warning signs that I could not escape. I turned it off. I turn it off like I was playing the game Midnight

And I'm here again Familiar feeling But now something has changed I wonder if she still remembers my name Long drive sunrise Both the lords are all that we may You always wanted what you couldn't have Spend have your life

Just trying to run it back You still got time But better make it fast The clock's ticking Let's give you something to do Because I got nothing to prove It's not about what you've done No

No It's on the tip of my tongue I'm gonna put in the word You're just to get what you heard And now we're back on track Getting for the comeback An old friend was walking by Mixed emotion brought a tear to my eye

Remember when we said we wanted to fly Now I'm stuck in a rug trying to Put my head out the sky You always wanted what you couldn't have That's why you're living in your overdraft The years are falling by so make it last You'll regret it Let's give you something to do

Because I got nothing to prove It's not about what you've done No, no, we saw the tip of my tongue I'm gonna put in the word You just to get what you heard And now we're back on track Getting for the comeback