Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #354 with Sam Morril - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: November 10, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukVittorio's Tour: http://vittorioangelone.com/tourAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everyone, welcome to this episode of the Have a Word podcast and my God, Carl, it's a good one. We're sat on the couch for starters, mate. I know, because I'm feeling very festivey. Festivy, that's a word. Festivus is coming. It's Christmas, just around the corner. This is when we're starting to do Christmas presents. Have you started yet?

I haven't started yet, but I've thought about starting, do you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm starting to think about starting. Yeah. And if you're the same and you're a lid or if you know a lid or if you love a lid, You want to get them a nice... Such a good gift. Have a word, Christmas jumper. Such a good gift.

Paulins, Navidad. You can go with the red, the poor lints. Yeah, it's like, if you're not willing and you're loving it, it's such a good, like, it's such a nice thing to give them. And if I was going to wear a Christmas jumper, Dan, and I'll wear them when I'd be wearing it, brother. December 20th, the Haverward Arena show, our second ever arena show. It's bigger, it's better.

It's an extravaganza of everything. Have a word. It's a Mardi Gras of fun. You'd look good in one of these. Just imagine the sea of red and blue, the city of Liverpool, split, red and blue. But it's not Liverpool and Everton. It's Wallace and Paul Inns.

What side are you? Are you excited about the arena? I genuinely, up until this is a bit of a fourth war, but we had a meeting last week. I was a bit nervous. Now, I am so excited. This shit we've got planned. It's going to blow your socks off.

We know how good it's going to be. We want you to be there. There's a few hundred tickets left. Don't miss out. We want to cram it full of. the lid army. Have a wordpod.com for all your Christmas jumpers. Have a wordpod.com for all your arena tickets. And enjoy the episode because it's going to be. It's just a hub of have a word.

Have a word. Everything have a word. Everything have a word. And the episode, Dan, we've already filmed it. It was a belter. Nice. Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the One and only, have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN, the very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed, get on me.

I don't know what it is this year, you know, but I'm just not feeling fully Christmasy yet. Well, it's November. So there's one thing. It's bombing night. And also, we've talked about it about three times in the past two weeks. We went early with, you know.

It's bombing night. Yeah, I just, I haven't started really doing the presents thing. I've got a couple of things. me misses, and then I have him your present, I haven't got a lot of presents, I haven't got your dad's present, you know? You know what it can't be? A working telephone.

Oh my God, I'm going to try not to overuse that, but I'm very excited about. You get this at a quad bike? How did you know? No, the thing is, who doesn't like quad bikes? It's reversed. Pensioners. Nobody would.

No. Fuck, another quad bike. I think you can age out of a quad bike. 80. 80 on a quad bike. Why not? Don't like... It's a bit dangerous.

You know, for your hips, and the hips don't lie. I think a quad bike has a good gift for all? No, not for all. Like university students who annually compete in a spelling be? They're not on quad bikes ever.

Because they should be. I was going to go paraplegic, but I like that example. Yeah, Michael Schumacher's not quad biking. Anymore? Oh, no, that'd be, that'd be a thoughtless present. Can he hear me? Can I even hear me?

Yes, he can hear you if you shout. We've got your quad by, Michael! When you wake up, it's mad, though, like, clearly there's, you know, and his family's just gone, no, not, like, there's no information, is there, aside from, like, there is information, he's just not. Little health updates, but it's like, there's no way.

Yeah, he's in a, Carl, he's in a vegetated state, so his podcast appearances aren't going to be up to what they should, be. I, honestly... I think vegetated is like unwoke now. That's really offensive. He's not a vegetable dog. He's just fucked, I think. He's a fucking melon. He's not in an allotment. He's fucked. He's fucked. He's

alive, but... He's alive, but he can't function as much as he used to be able to. I don't want to be more else, but... Do you know what I mean? If I have a skiing accident and, you know, I'm skiing 18 times a year. Do you think he can make that decision? Because... No, no, he's unconscious, isn't he? I thought, is he unconscious?

he's a vegetable he's apparently communicate through his eyes he's got beautiful beautiful eyes I'm sorry he can send the keeper the shops was that a journalist that wrote that he can communicate through his eyes

his gorgeous eyes if someone suspicious comes in the room you know because he just goes if someone doesn't that mean he's suspicious no he's telling someone so if he farts and you see his eyes go

like how would you tell someone to when it would you guys do you know apparently what happened to him that was with your mouth skiing went off-paced hit a rock or am I taking in mainstream media there have you got some conspiracy over

this is bad by the way it's true it's a good advert for GoPro probably not it's a bad advert for GoPro no means they have everybody yeah but they break the school okay I'll tell you what happened and then you tell me

whether you think this is a good advert for GoPro what I'm saying is their durability can I just get the story I've now got an idea of what it is so he went off-piced which I think means down the good bit bad bit

yeah but like like the exciting bit of the mountain yeah yeah yeah the bit where no one's gone you should ski there

like there's a piece where everyone's like this is lovely that'll be great these are steep these aren't steep or you go off the side of there and then fuck knows

just pieced he he had his little GoPro on his head and a helmet yeah but the GoPro was on the helmet

cool guy and he went into a tree. And the tree hit the GoPro. And the GoPro went through the helmet and into his brain. Didn't break? And it didn't break. So buy GoPro. All right.

Okay, good. Shit helmet. Apparently these are unsubstantiated claims by a journalist that were later recanted. Oh, okay. So let's just get ourselves sued. So it wasn't the GoPro. Oh, right. Okay.

Was the GoPro still recording, like afterwards? Yeah. Could you see into his thoughts on that? Harry. Harry. Where's the line? Get out. Oh, no.

It's my though. I watched the Lansom song like you mentioned last night as well. Another sports when we're doing the same thing anymore. Are we doing Carl's documentary corner? It's an old one though. Yeah, but I think there's been so many documentaries.

If you whip out a classic. Your documentary corner's timeless. Yeah, I think it was called The Lie or something like that. It was from 2013. It was when he just on the opening interview. Right. Did you remember that? Yeah.

Well, when he was just like, I don't regret it. no because he hadn't admitted it yes and she the first five questions were yes or no answers have you ever used blah blah blah and they were all yes yes and it was fucking so interesting so he just told the truth to Oprah

he literally she was coming out I mean he was banged her right apparently being found guilty in like a court of sports arbitration and he was the court of arbitration for sports that's the one and they've gone Lance Armstrong is now bam from cycle and stripped of all his titles was he still allowed to go like the shops on his bike

No, no. They did juice testing on the way to the co-op. He just locked us. Like a tolerance juice down on. He locked his bike. Was it Usada that do the UFC? Are they just, do they? No, no, no.

Usada don't do it. Do you have see any more either? Oh, but I'm not made that up. No, USADA were, yeah, yeah. They don't have any jurisdiction anywhere unless a entity goes A, will you test our athletes? It was. It was. All right, so they had, they, they're, okay.

So, but this was like, early noughties, all through the noughties, wasn't it? I heard... 90s and naughties. I'm not at the inside time. Hey. And then... I've got to do it.

Sorry. He won seven to all the France titles and then disappeared and it was like, goat, but these people were going, nice, defo cheat. And then his ego got the better off him when he went, well, I'm going to do a fucking comeback and show you. So we came back in 2009,

and then because of that, the story kind of got opened up again, and then he got fucking nailed. But wasn't there like one, one in five, cyclists weren't doping. I mean, have I got the wrong end of this? And he was like, well, everyone was doing.

That was just the best of it. So he's, he's been taken down because of the incredible success he had. Now, was he naturally brilliant and then he was doping loads as well. I don't think if he doped hard, wouldn't at all the front. No, yeah.

I'm doping now. I don't think you still have to be in, like, a very gifted, you know, athletes are dope and win seven of them anyway. Yeah, it's the one of the best, and then they take themselves. So what happened was that this, This court investigated him

and spoke to Waller's old teammates who fucking hated him because he was like he was an asshole like horrible as well as cheating and they went yeah he cheated in every single race and then because of that the pressure got so much

so he was a dick he was brilliant and cheating so that is a great little combo for someone taking him down isn't it because like yeah he was a tyrant

he was running people's lives he was suing people who were accusing him he was like break of relationship gyps up who, like, your wife doesn't trust me. She's thought about, like, just ruin everyone's life just so we could...

Do you know, genuinely, I just don't really get it. Like, I just don't get it. Like, you know, like, when we play footy and sometimes there'll be, like, an argument over, like, what score it is or whatever. If I know what score it is, I'm like, this is what score it is. Remember, like, the game where you took a pen and Finn wasn't happy? And then, like, 20 minutes ago,

I was like, like, just take that goal away sort of thing. I would rather lose... properly than win and no, I'd cheated for it or not, do you know what I'd rather, yeah? So he said, like, what's the point in having all their medals? Because every time he looks at them, surely, he's like, I didn't really win them. Well, he said the first thing, when he got cancer, he was like, I'm that competitive. I saw it as a competition. And if I lose, I die.

So he said, I took that into competition. He was like, I care about that much about winning because if I lose, I die. But he's not competitive, because he's not competing. He's cheating. But in his head, he's rationalised at all, isn't he? well, everyone's cheating, and I'm, like... Do you wear, though, as well? Like, everyone was cheating, just not as good as him.

But not everyone, annoyingly. There were some clean, there were some clean... There must have been, like, these... They should go back and find out who finished, like, fucking 97th who wasn't cheating, and he should get all the medals. I think that's what I did. Yeah, it's like going back and giving, like, Lincoln City the 2007 Premier League because every team above them cheated.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's what they did. You never stole money in, like, Monopoly in that? What? No, that's shit as well. You were, like, stuck... Stole a bit of money at Monopoly. I think when I was a kid I did.

I mean, the last time I played Monopoly, I think, was 18 months ago with Carl and no. I wasn't allowed to be the banker. Seneca just blotted everyone. She's always a banker as well. Yeah, she chees. She's the Lance Armstrong of Monopoly. She's never been called that. I'll tell her later.

Yeah, just like, I don't see the, I can, I've, I've cheated and won at Monopoly. No, there is a problem with that, because that's not. That's boring, yeah. That's like, no, but you haven't won? No, because I'm just like, I'm the winner. Yeah, yeah, but you're not. No, but I, because in my head, I'd just go, I'll just forget about all that cheating.

And then I've won. No, but like, you won't feel the same as though you've won for real. I don't do it all the time, but like, you know. You cheat at Monopoly. That honestly is one of the worst things you can cheat. I've played Scrabble with my mum and Googled words before. Like the, the line and gram fixer of like, of like the letters that are down.

You're so cool, aren't you? Yeah. That's awful. He's fucking, fucking, scrabble. I mean, nans, smoke the both of them. That's a great. That's not fucking shat chagip-t built in. as well.

Actually not winning. Exactly. She is cheating. Yeah, everyone else is doping, so I have to as well. Imagine if she did. Nah. Oh no, cheating at Monopoly stinks.

I don't do all the time. They don't play Monopoly enough to, like, be like a serial Monopoly cheater, but I have, I'm known to. So is it every time you play Monopoly? It was like once a year. Yeah, like at Christmas I'm a tour the force, like. A lot of people make little deals.

There's some sneaky, like, alliances made in Monopoly. No, cheating alliances. Oh, God. That's a, is known for that, isn't it? Is it? I tried to inflate the pound, but didn't work.

When was the last, can I, as a dad who's, like, Christmas is coming, I saw the Harry Potter Monopoly set, and I thought,

is eight a good time for Etta to get into it. Yeah, and I was playing Monopoly. Yes. To learn how the world works, yeah. Via Harry Potter Monopoly.

Yes. Well, monopoly does teach it how, like, the world works, like economically, don't it? Yeah. Oh,

the more money you've got. And pay tax? Well, you've fucking got. do you, mate. Yeah. And the more money you've got, the easy in the game is,

and you can fuck over the people who've got next and not, and apart from one little house on Old Kent Road. Oh my God, so it makes everyone into a Tory. Well, this sounds fucking great. No, but it explains what Toryism is.

It's the most Tory game. It is, isn't it? That's what it should be called. Yeah, and you can be like a sparky as well. You know, like the utilities, and then you earn an honest. No, you're not a spark if you owe an Eon. Oh, shit, yeah.

You're like an oligarch, aren't you? Yeah, you're awful, yeah. There should be other games They're teaching about the world. Play with Jack as well. One about, like, sexually transmitted diseases and stuff here. Oh, gonadier. And AIDS.

You're fucked you. Wow. You roll. That's a bad role. You know. You've been jericho. And your ribcage crushed by a big girl. I don't know where that came from.

It tells you, like, the housing market. It tells you, like, how you owe money and how life's unfair. Rent. Yeah. Winning, like, competitions where you put a painting in. You win a fiver? Go to jazz. sometimes for no reason.

Just unlucky. If you go past a free parking, you might win a grand. But I'm going to make it fun by getting the Harry Potter set. So what's like, what's the Browns? What's like the bad Harry Potter Gaffes?

Wouldn't it be like Nocturn Alley or something? Oh yeah. Diagon Alley. What is it called? Nocturn Alley. Diagon Alley. No.

Nocturnalli's the bad one. Parallel to knock diagonal. Oh? Nocturn alley. It's in the same. second one. Diagon Alley is the good one with all the gringots and then... Diagonally.

Yeah. And he ends up in nocturnally. Nocturnally is like all the dark magic. Hey, that has escaped me in my Harry Potter fandom. My ex-girlfriend had Grimsby Monopoly. Oh, they were all browns. All the whole board. People?

There's not Grimsby Monopoly. There's a lot of things in Grimsby. And we, I mean, we played it like as a uni house. What's on it? There isn't a grimsby. What's it, Grimsby? Minan's. My auntie pieces.

I'll buy me nans, please. There's a, there's a, there's a, a chippy that's on a boat. Is there just a row of vape shops? Yeah. Those are closed down corner shops, you know. Are they the mariners? Yeah. Grimsby.

I can't, I literally can't remember. Sure. Grimsby town? Oh, there's. Yeah, they are. There's ones for, like, loads of places. Is it a real one? I fucking hope so.

Yeah, that for Christmas. Is there a Poirreau? one. There definitely will be a Poirot one. No. Oh, yeah, Denver shit. Oh, no. It's telling me to buy a castle. No. Do you reckon we could, like, get in touch with

Hasbro? You can make it all. And do a have a word... Hasbro. I've wanted just to do top trumps. Top trumps, I think, would be class. Have a word, top trumps. Yeah, I can see that. I just want all of mine to be 99. Ego, 99. Fickleness, 99.

Unbeatable. I'm not fickle. Those my when you say that? House Paddle. What? Last? When's last play? Last week? Literally play all the time.

Played three days ago with Rob Thomas. Oh. To be fair. I just stopped talking about it as much because she's all doing me heading. What, by listening? This is the problem, in it, about taking the piss. But then he goes, fine, I'm not talking about it.

And then you're like, well, we're worse off for it. That's why I want the pontification. I'm playing in a tournament soon. Stop. What tournament? Stop. Can we come? What?

That might be the sexiest thing I've ever heard of thing. What you mean? A paddle tournament. Are you playing with? Oh, who knows? Who's in the final? What you mean? The Northwest paddle tournament.

Who's your teammate? Jack Finnegan? Is it Jack? Nice. He's all right today? Yeah, I can say he's pretty. You're all like you. Pretty good at most things

I've seen him do What do? What do you win? Where is it? Respect and honour And a medal I don't know where it is I just said I'd play Some solicitors have set it up

Oh it's got sexy I know You know when it is Where it is It's quite a sexy sport You're saying this Like it's like Is it?

Is it? If you get into beach volleyball I'm into it I don't want to watch you play with Rob Thomas No but like Paddles like Full of Spanish men

I don't want to fuck them, but most women do. What, even in Liverpool? Yeah, there's a lot of Spanics. They come over here. They'll probably be quite good at it, naturally. I'm going to be missing out on the big Hispanic paddle tournament. It's enormous in Spain, isn't it? Yeah, that's where it started, isn't it?

I think it might as it started in Japan. But it got to Spow. I did. Mate, this is right up your street. Japan, Spain. Mexico. That's kind of a mixture of a mixture of Spain and Japan, and it. That's what I always think.

It is. They look a bit Asian in Mexico. Yeah. But it's there, isn't it? What? He's not wrong there. Who has ever thought, if you mix Japan with Spain,

you get Mexico? Everyone. Sorry, yeah, everyone. That's what I make. I'm sorry, man, everyone has thought. It's like mixing yellow and blue, you get green.

Bad use of yellow. Call of Spain. Oh. Cha! Oh. What do you mean? Can we all going, Support him at Paddle.

Why don't we enter the tournament? Why don't we run one? Like dodge ball? We could be having to shows. Why don't we run one? Are you any good at, like, racquet sports? Have you played anything? Tennis, badminton, squash.

I know my way around a shuttlecock. I'm sure you do. Badminton. Yeah. Yeah, a little bit when I was a kid. Quite enjoy it. Yeah. You know?

Throw a racket around. Tennis is hard. Like actual tennis I love tennis Yeah I know but it's hard If you're playing someone dead good If you both If you're on a knock around

I think it's quite fun Because you're both bad Because then you're constantly fault Oh hang on No I'm not a total I can have a knock around Like if you if you're both missing Yeah it is dead hard

I don't mean missing But I mean like it goes long And you can't serve And it's like quite disjointed a game Isn't it if you need But playing someone who's good at tennis When you're just like fine Is demoralising

Yeah When did you play I was the best in my year, so I was in the school team, but I was... How big was the team? The real tennis team. Six of us. Cool. Six people.

We'd win against the other teams in real, but then Mold had a tennis club, and then they came and just absolutely battered us. Right. Because that's their sport. If you've played tennis to any level, you'd be able to transfer those skills to paddle. Like, let's have a game. I'm up for it. I think you'd like it.

I've played a couple times, and it is fun. Have you played? Yeah, I've played that's there. There's less running. There's less running with paddle, yeah? Because, I mean, tennis is, like, all over the base line, isn't it? That's knackering. There's less, like, sort of distance to cover, yeah, but it's a lot more dynamic.

It's fast-paced. Me and Steve played about 18 months ago. Yeah. Remember the paddles stunk. So where's... So you don't want us to come and support you. You want us to put on a tournament? I think we should put on a tournament.

Right. Cool. I honestly think, like... Got out of a quick. I think if you... had a few games, you'd probably get really into it. I'm into it. And you live right by Cheshid Oaks.

So there's a, that's where the best. There's one down on Sealing Road as well. There's paddle down on Sealand Road as well. In the paddle quarter. There needs to be more indoor ones. Cheshid Oaks is my nearest indoor one. I fucking love you, go. That's the nearest indoor one to meet them in a twilight.

I keep having to drive to Cheshid Oaks. Holy shit. We could do a pro-I'm invitational? Joe Mald has just done one, hasn't he? He's big into paddle. It's the pros. Why don't you and Finn become a team and me and Jack will come and play here at Cheshid Oaks?

and that's the tournament. No, just so you're going to do a tournament, you've got to have a few games, haven't you? I'll tell you for why I'll do this because I like it when you're enthused by stuff and I want you to talk about it. There is a point, you know, through buying a house where it just tipped into, I'll shoot myself.

But with paddle, I like it. You enjoy it? It's good. Now, last time you banged on about golf and in mind it was like, I don't know, golf's boring. And then we went and did the 24 challenge, swang a golf club, and it was fucking brilliant. You got well into that. Oh, that was so much fun.

He was like a spoiled kid. Me and Harry kept going, can we have a go? He was going, no. And you just kept going on his own. Yeah. I own the company. You did have a go. You shanked.

Load. So maybe I'd get down to paddle and I'm like, fuck, I know. I'm a paddle lad. You're fit to now as well, so. Thank you. I went to did cryotherapy yesterday. Have a bit of cry.

If you don't know what that means, wait until the roast comes out. So I bumped into Tommy Chaos Carras. That should be as literally. No, that's what that's how I knew about it. Okay. So you fucking following each other. We're best mates now. And he, uh, he, uh, he DM me the details because I was like, mate, he's, he basically

messaged me and went, oh, it's nice to meet you. And I, uh, I asked, wear that cryotherapy because he was talking about it and he gave me the details so went to hoy lake yesterday had some very nice lunch at arthur's shout out to connor who served us who did the coolest version of i recognize you but i'm not going to be a gimp about it like literally waited till nearly the end of the meal went i know you are i'm coming to the arena and laura's like laura's like that was really well done like you thought you were moby though yeah he thought i was moby and moby's playing the arena did you specify the show

Because you could have thought you were like, I don't know, like in the horse, like the dressage, near the real. Yeah, he looked like a dressage fan. That's Hoylake after all. And then we went down to aim health to do...

Moby's dressage. Cryotherapy. Fucking morbid. It's, mate, it's great. I thought of you and Ellie because you love doing little coupley stuff and you're both,

she's a runner. Yeah. It's quality. You're getting your knick-knacks and you go in a freezer for four minutes. It's really fun. You feel amazing.

If you've ever enjoyed a cold plunge, cryotherapy is just a stud-up version of that. So how long are you there for? In the centre. Yeah. We were literally there like 25 minutes. I was great. It's 30 quid.

If you go in, it's like a deal where you go, you're going with a buddy. So you can just do it to get, I think you're meant to do it on your own. They ask, they've got it, you've got to cover your head, you've got gloves, you've got socks, and then they give you like crocs or whatever.

But basically the most skin you can have out, the better. They give you a mask because breathing in the, it's not, it feels like smoke. It feels like you stood in the start of stars in their eyes, but it's all just ice, basically. It goes down to minus 87 degrees Celsius. They do, what?

They do a skin, you know, the old COVID, boop on your forehead, check your temperature. They do a skin one on your arm. I was at 33 degrees when we went in, and I was at 11 degrees when we went out, because you're only in there four minutes. The cold doesn't get into your core. It just sort of permeates,

your skin basically i've got a little bit of a just an annoying it's not a full injury i've just got a little twinge on my elbow i don't know if it's tennis elbow it's something like that and after about two minutes i stretch my arms out and that hurt straight away it's like it goes for wherever there's strain or injury i loved it and laura started going oh like like she was getting brain freeze and i thought she was going to like bolt and go i can't do it anymore but she was like no it's fine, I've just got to get used to it. We were only in there four minutes. Everything, you know what?

When you get the fake snow at Christmas and you spray around the windows and make it all frosty, it's like your eyelids go like, like your eyelashes go like that. I, just because of the cold, a tear fell down my face mask and it froze on the face mask.

Is that why they call a cryotherapy? Yeah, I was weeping. How'd you feel now? And you came out and it's the same as a cold plunge. You feel elated. It's so good. It's good for sleep. It's good for recovery.

you burn about six, seven hundred calories apparently or up to six, seven hundred calories. What? Yeah. You burned seven hundred calories in four minutes. I've, I think it might be the knock-on effect. You can't burn six hundred, seven hundred calories

in those four minutes, but does... Get me in for half an hour of me's. Just nail a big mac and like, it disappears. I'm telling you, it's so fun. It's such a good little couple's day. Is it freezing?

What? Is it like cold, plunging cold? Weirdly, sort of but it's more superficial like coal plunging if I put my hands in when I do a cold punch

it just fucking do that it's 500 to 800 calories it's the same as a big workout it's your body takes so much energy to warm back up that it burns loads of calories can you book me in every day for the next six weeks please

are they're so sound as well mate you lose so much weight of that every day so this is what the MMA fight is doing it activates brown fat which burns calories. Ishan comes out.

Activate brown fat. I'm sorry, guys. I will calm down it. Oh, we love you, Eishan. That's wild. I swear to God, I'm going every day. It's fucking great.

That's just another buddy every day, you know? And if we get a chance, I would love to get us all down there because they're dead fun. They're sound. They're not stuffy. Hoy Lake.

So it's not. See, Michael Owen lives there. Yeah. Hang on, does he? Because he was, oh yeah, he was there. Yeah, I saw him on the high street. How far as that drive for those, 40 minutes? No.

From here? From here, it's about 10, 15 minutes, isn't it? Is it? Is it? What's a call? Top of the Whirl. Aim health. I thought it's a bit further.

Maybe I'm wrong. Hoy Lake? It's like 20 minutes from here. 25 minute drive from here. All right, okay. It's 40 minutes from ours. See? I'll do that every day.

you're never very much of energy to a 45 minute jog no I will go means I don't have to jog when you go we're giving a shout I'm gonna be fucking so thin next week me because I want to come with you

okay we'll go next week together no I'm gonna go tomorrow morning mate next week I'm into client enemy boys I'm going tomorrow morning I can do Friday as well

if there's a cryotherapy place in Liverpool that want to sponsor us we've just given AIM health in Hoyley like the best advert ever but If you want to sponsor us, I'm getting into cryo. It's fucking great. And it might all be horseshit, but...

Do you still... Yeah, do you still call plunge? Yeah. I'm not been as consistent as I... Like, last three of three months or so. I'm down to like three times a week. I got in this morning because I went for a run. I love it after a run.

But yeah, I used to be every single day. And now it's more like... And then that after a run, yeah? I love it, yeah. Cool down, yeah. But that burns calories as well, surely? Don't know. That's apparently.

But I eat... Seven a car. Eating less shit and not drinking has really helped. That's fucking insane. And it's fun. And it's only four minutes. Yeah. Could you just have to do half an hour?

No, then it permeate the skin. I mean, at minus 87. I also think the calories aren't from you being in there. It's from warm and back up. Oh, yeah. You're going to be in there as quick as possible, really, don't you? It's going for 20 seconds.

So, 700 calories, back in. When we were in there, so you can talk. At one point, Laura was like, I had to cover my nipples because that, it felt like... I'm embarrassed. Yeah. I felt embarrassed

because I've got Bergenips and the woman was like she was laughing and they could my piercings and the thing is with Bergenips she can get so many piercings in

and obviously metals are conductors or they were cold really cold that's a short sighted yeah I should have thought about that

on my 10th nipple piercing and I should have thought you'd probably get into cryotherapy down but uh we had a little dance you know you are

you do have nipple piercing energy one Because you've got a hairy chest as well. He doesn't he shaved it? Where he had last time He put the same thing. Can he get one long one that goes through both? Oh, you can get the...

Like a clothing rail. You can get, yeah, you can get little chains that pull. By the way, what are we slagging off nipple piercings for? On a fella. Wonderful. And a man. I don't find them attractive.

I wouldn't be doing it for you to find attractive. Really? Yeah. I'll have to just take it, you know, on the nipple. it wasn't a bad thing I think when girls have got nipple piercings I love it

if it goes wrong they can lose sensitivity and their nipples yeah but if it goes right then it gives them more sensitivity the gamble they take yeah how do you how are you

assume you're going to take them out if you're like a mother I mean otherwise it can taste like pennies when they're breastfeeding I think I can't mean I'm not talking loads of

breastfeed I think I need that mom is that of Guinness I think you would either not press, so you don't take it out, yeah, it would be like, get on that kid. I think once you take it out, though, that's that fucked in it.

Oh, you can't, yeah, Harry's right. Go on. Well, it tastes like pennies? No, it's just to stop the baby choking. How hard is it sucking? Well, like the nipple goes down. What, the, suck the piercing out of a nipple. Oh, you've got to wait for it to heal.

So you can't do it with a pierced nipple. So if you... Yeah, but once you've pierced your nipple, take it out, it heals. 12 months. That scar tissue. You aren't re-piercing that nipple, surely. You do what your ears?

Through scar tissue, can you? Yeah, why not? Don't you just have to move? You can't feed your kids with your ears, though. That's the fact. That is a great point. There's some wisdom that comes out. It's Confucius, run it.

I'm doing ear feeding. I thought, hang on. I thought with an ear piercing, once you've had it in one place, if that then heals over and it's scar tissue, you have to move the piercing. Oh, no, you can rip it open again. Way, Lord.

I love. I love. I mean, you know, like, people who get, like, spreaders? Do they close up, or is that just, like, big things of scarters? I've seen them. They dangle, don't it? I've seen the danglers. Doesn't Dean have one?

I hate them so much. He dangled, so they grow back together, but then there's a line. They just, like, like a drum. Like, when it connects to the real. One of the best crazes of all time, best online pranks ever was putting bike locks in them and them running off. You can't do anything about that. no the best on is with the fellow who was locking people in escape rooms so you know

he was locking people in their like work and then put in escape room so you're working in escape room and became an escape room and he'd throw like the out of get out i don't know whether it's a stand-up clip from someone or i just seen this on uh like a ticot but it really made me laugh i think it was like a selfie video of this lab was like uh you know what's not stealing putting a second bike lock on someone's bike. Yeah, you're just making it more safe. He's like, I think the point he makes is the fact that bike locks are legal is mental.

It's just like you live here now. Oh, Duncan Donuts, you're closed. I showed a tweet yesterday and it was like, when you go on Aldi, why'd you never see anyone doing driving lessons? And I haven't felt about it since because you don't, do you? because no one does driver lessons

and you don't all include of those elements underneath no but you went to Copenhagen they're they also what but they don't have L plates because it might be a different thing you mean like round cost or a decky

that you never see anyone doing driving lessons anywhere because I don't really feel like people live there do they do they do they not just do them in the winter when we're not there why

what do you mean well holiday place is a season no I mean anyway if you go to a city break you never see people doing driving lessons They do.

I've never seen anyone doing a driving lesson anyway. No, you have. You just haven't taken it in because you haven't been on the lookout for people doing driver lessons. I am now. And now, annoyingly, I will be forever. Yeah, go on, Finn.

If you're looking at Stockholm Cathedral, you're not looking at someone doing their fucking driving lessons, are you? What do you mean? Go on, Finn. You're going to check in the foreigners, do learning... Oh, come on. Oh, they'd get fucking unsafe.

And it seems to be... It seems to be L everywhere. I don't know why. Yeah, but how. It's different languages, isn't it? I think it's so it's universal, so you know what it means. It's a K in Wales, isn't it?

It's two wells. Be quick effing. We'll have a break, I think everyone. All right, lovely. And we are back. Where I go? Oh, no, starting again. Sorry, I've got to be caught up.

What? I didn't. You didn't see what was coming? No, they get annoyed. They never miss the beat. Ready? Yes. Sending your questions.

Have a word pot at gmail.com. Lid Army Unite. Johnny says, question lids. You wake up one morning and it's 25 years ago. You've got all of the knowledge you have now. What's the first thing you do? Stop 9-11. Probably shit in pants.

How are you doing that? Go and tell George Bush. Go and tell them what? But aren't you an eight-year-old in Dovey? Bob! Are you the flight to Washington? Why? To save the world.

That's the sort of limitations on that, isn't it? If you go down and, you know... Do you reckon if I went and told him, hey, September 11, 2001, been laden, the boys are planning this thing. Do you reckon then, because he'd obviously go, get out my office. I don't even know if I'd get in...

office. How are you getting there? You're eight years old. A phone. If you ring in enough, like, threats. No, not. What? Oh, call in bomb threats.

You could be like, I'm going to blow the World Trade Center up. No, no, well, this is my question is if I get to him, if I get to the Oval Office and I'm like, listen, George, brother, like, we've got to sort this out. He's like, who the fuck let this little scouse kid in? Yeah, right. Would, when it, because he's obviously just telling me to fuck off, he's not going to listen to me. When it eventually happened.

You're going to prison. You go Antonimo. You got in prison. Guantanamo. Do you reckon, no? So you knew about it, came in going, there's going to be an attack. They think it's Al-Qaeda.

Yeah, but like, why... So I've had a plan 9-11 and I've gone and warned them about it. It's not the IRA. Also, if you believe the conspiracies, they were worn multiple times. So you're just another eight-year-old scouse kid in the Oval Office.

There was loads of them. Hey, George! Are you the president? Going to be a fucking mad attack on them towers. Don't worry about how I got here. My mum's got fucking air miles. Do you not think if you stop 9-11, there'd be a worst 9-11? Yeah, it's like final destination.

What? Do you like 14 or like... Like, they wouldn't have just given up. Yeah, it's like that... It's like that video of going back to kill Hitler, except there's loads of twin towers everywhere. I love it. Like they go, that was our best plan ever.

What's the point of even trying now? No, they were... Two towers, Pentagon and the other one, we don't know where that was going. They go bigger, wouldn't he? How? What's bigger? What, they, like, I don't know.

They haven't gone bigger since? The Vatican. they can have it. Can they? Yeah. Would that be a bigger? Well better. You're the heart of Christians around the world.

Oh yeah, true. Oh my God. The heart of Christians around the world. Today, our hearts were broken. It's a fucking museum. To noncery. Oh, that was a hard line to take, but I'm not far off. No what I mean?

Like, if they're, you know, very... 5,000 people died in the attack, multiple others in the cultural centre of America, one of the busiest cities. Take the Vatican out. If you could go back in time and go, Vatican gets blown up by two planes or World Trade Center.

I pick one. The Vatican and the heart of Christians. Quote. Catholics. That's where we're going with this week's episode. Listen, Al-Qaeda. Why didn't you have a go of the Vatican? That one's going to be asked.

And they'd be like, oh, no, what have we gone to do? Loads of people would die, though still. Less. And they're all old? Is it not? No, would it not be busier for tourism? Well, if we go on the 9 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, which was...

No, they wouldn't, though, would they? That's peak time for the Christians. Easter Sunday? Easter Sunday, 3 o'clock? No, Sunday. Show Tuesday. Right. They do it on 9-11.

Oh, they still do 9-11? We like good they did. It rose off the dog, honey. It was Tuesday morning. It was Tuesday morning. It's one floor. The Vatican, isn't it? No, it's a lot of people outside, isn't it? Yeah, but you better be outside than on the 80th floor.

of the Vatican? No, there isn't an 84. Are we planning a tentative attack here? I've got a pretty hard line with the Catholic change. Where are the other planes going? Are they all going into the Vatican or is one going into like the Coliseum?

Oh yeah. Well, it's an attack on Rome or an attack on Catholicism? It's the same thing. It's an attack on the West. Yeah, but the West is all centralised in Rome. The Jesus statue in Brazil. Christ a Redeemer? That one.

Right, so what is 8-year-old Adam doing? Warning against an attack on the Vatican and also I just I sort of want to see how you play that out mom dad hello um it's weird I've had a dream I've lived the next 25 years quite detailed I'm a bit gutted that I'm back here is this permanent I think you have something to say before he left as well to his mom what do you mean he probably warned his mom first no but where's it going he's eight you can't just wander to Washington what's this he's gonna go he's gonna go mom dad it's weird I think I might have had a head injury in the night but I genuinely feel like I've lived 25

years of my life and then out nowhere I'm back which kind of is a nightmare because I was flying in 25 years but I'd be able to fly even earlier would be more flying what I need to tell you is there's going to be an attack on the world trade center dad it's in New York right and there's going to be planes loads of people are going to die there's loads of shit we can get to also we might want to there's health issues that we need to look into but that's for down the line right now you need to get me to Washington DC and she'll say shut the fuck up put your uniform form on, you've got school. No, because then he'd prove it.

It'd be like, yeah, West Ham, I'm going to win two-nil. He knows the results from November 2000. Paulo de Canio scores to a brace. And it's like, oh, yeah. Bloody hell. And then he'd believe him. Oh, he put loads of money on Liverpool in 2001 FAA Cup final. That's a bit of a nightmare.

Because if you go back and you're stuck, because I'm in the first term of uni. He just bets on West Ham games. He doesn't know the results, Carl. What results do you know from November 2000? Well, I don't know that the results from November 2000, but by the time May comes around and Liverpool playing the Europa League final against Deportivo Lackaronia

and at halver's... You already got it wrong! It was Alibis! Yeah. Yeah. The only result... I know... No, all I can bet on is genuinely Zadans going to score

they're going to beat by Leverkusen in the Champions League final. Yeah, first half... Can you bet on 9-11 on now? Over two towers. How do you make money? This is a football. fucking nightmare, because you're like, oh my God, I know so many results.

It wasn't. And then you go, it was exactly, it doesn't come in. Where's on the plane going? Fucky fashion. I know England are going to win. That's all you need one thing. Is that the Germany? The Germany match.

That's already happened. No, dad, sell the house, gives the money. Put it on to Dan Volley. We go to Washington and save the world. Don't ask any questions. Right. It's going to be a weird wait till the Champions League final, isn't it? It's going to be certain you know before that.

Like, when was Pop Idol? Oh, yeah. Why does he start singing songs? that are just about to come out. Yesterday, it... Who won Pop Idol in 2000? Wasn't that the... Wasn't it not on you?

I thought it started then. If you don't know... No, but I'll know... Oh, yeah, no, it tells you the finalist's where, and I'll tell you do one. The problem is, you go, I know he's going to win Pop Idol, and they go, this isn't on until October 2001, so you've missed 9-11.

You can't warn him of that. It needs to be... 2000 was pre-pop-Idle. I thought that was nearly X-Factor time, then. The first Big Brother has already happened. Oh, this is a nightmare. 30. Where's Popper?

stars the rivals oh good question a long wait what do you know in the months between you going back and 9-11 for definitely because that's how you say for 9-11 you need to be bankrolled what you know for certain uh liverpool alabez at half time it was 3-1 and it finished four oh five four oh five fours yeah but like in normal time in normal time it was four all and it was five for an extra time on it'd be a fucking millionaire flies to washington sorry sorry he got he nearly got it wrong that's a high risk no but i didn't get it wrong There's the FA Cup that year as well. Who won it?

Oh, with Liverpool. Against Arsenal. Michael Owen, two goals. Yeah. In the Millennium Stadium. And also, did Ray Parler score for Arsenal? No, that was a good goal in another game. But he bent a top in.

And also we won the League Cup. We won the Treble. The only treble worth winning. You won the Wonky treble. Yeah. You won five. Yeah, you could just, you'd be fucking in the money. And then you use the money to get to Washington.

Whose money are you betting? Because you're eight, so you've got to go through an album. And films aren't even out yet. Dad, this is mad. We're going to have to put some bets on. here's all my DVD money right we're going to put some 11 quid right there's 11 quid

we are going to we're going to have to win some of these bets I know that Alivez result they're in the final if he goes in with 11 quick and goes it's 4 on normal time 5 4 the odds you're getting you're getting enough to fly to Washington I know at 3 1 that is the best time to do it at 3 1 go in and go 5 4 no no you'd get better odds before the game

if you say give me the odds on alivez the team that no one has heard of since being in the final you get great odds months out. Could you bet him play in 2000? Huh? Could you bet in? No.

Not in the Buckees? No. I didn't know that. So you need to find a way to bank roll saving 9-11 and then hope George Bush believes you. 25 years ago, it's grim for you. You're just an eight-year-old dying to go to the Buckees. And no one believes you.

Investing by Amazon. I was eight, I think. I don't think I don't think that should be allowed in this question because the obvious thing is wait to buy Bitcoin. It's not around then. It will be soon. Oh, yeah. But like you wait around for that.

You get Bitcoin. a couple of mill into that and now you're a hundred billionaire. Dad, you're the couple of mill, you'll see. Once again, for the 10 years leading up to that, desperately trying to remember results

you don't give me a fuck about. But wait till Istanbul comes around. Fuck it out. What are you doing? Imagine me at half time in Istanbul there, though, just with your fucking Siggy. He's like,

what are you about that? I'm living, I'm living on Forsyth Road in West Jesmond. It is my first year of uni. I'm in the autumn term of uni. I'm having a great time.

If I woke up there again... You're doing a line. It'd be kind of... No, I wasn't doing it. I hadn't done any drugs. It's just outside Newcastle. It's like a student area. Just to the left of East Jesmond.

Is there an East Jesmond? Why is there no East Jesmond? Jesmond Tutu. That was the score. Oh, there's a Jesmond 2. They were like, this is so close to Desmond, we should call the whole area, Jesmond 2.

But it is East Jesman. Never mind that. Let's call it Jess. I also, in a Geordie accent, that's like, fucking Jesmond, fucking students, you've ruined Jesper Tootoo! It used to be full of fucking Jordy's and I was Raz. What would you do that if you go to a comedy club?

I'd go to that old hyena, try and blag on stage. How old would you be? And stick my dick through my first ever gig. How old would you be? Fucking quality. I'd just use his bits. I'd use it. I'd use the...

I'd use the... Oh my God. You're doing the film yesterday. My first five specials would be amazing. Meat van. You can do everything. Oh, I can do meat van. Yeah, you're doing the film yesterday. Oh. Are you 19?

But would that feel good? Back to the conversation we had about cheating at Monopoly. All of that stuff is unwritten. But... The rest is still unwritten. The rest is still unwritten. Would you feel like shit? Because you're like, I'm a lie.

You'd feel fine. Oh. You'd be the biggest comedian on the planet, surely if you... Be funny if you didn't. No one laughed. Like, back. the future be like you'd love it in the fucking future mate oh that'd be that'd be rough

what would you do you go back and just be a better comedian is not like you wouldn't save the world so are you in there you could stop 9-11 you could stop handle chipman in his tracks his sons were at union newcastle as well exactly can't have a way up with him hey he's out to kill her nannas yeah just to let you know it's time to go home saw you dad out

was he post 2001 he was at he was certainly killing he was in and around them on it 260 nann you don't do their overnight me In my head, Shipman's the 80s, I don't know why. No. No. You're old Jeripper?

He was after my mum died. I don't know that for sure. When did your mum die? Did you? 97. Oh, after? No, because they gave her a dose at the end because she, it was, she, this is grim. But they were, the nurses weren't allowed to do that after Shipman because that's what he was doing.

He was doing like, oh, they're in so much pain. I'll give them a dose of like, is it methadone or? Oh, and they've left me all their money. Oh, I thought he was killing them, like, on purpose? He was. Pull me through how you thought Shipman was killing people with knives. Blow her under that tall. I'm a bit worried about Nana because the doctor,

Dr. Shipman, who we trust, has been round. But she does have a bullet hole wound. I just had to put her out of her misery. She was old. They all get bullet wounds at the end. A bullet hole wound. He's shooting bullet holes on her. No, he was dosing them, won't he?

He was giving them like... He was ending their lives to help them what it was. to my mum at the end. They gave her a mercy dose. Harold Shipman killed your mom. Again, again, we're getting, there's a lot of information coming, but Harold Shipman killed my mum with a gun.

Filled a full of bullet hole wounds. With a bullet hole gun. But it was the 90s. It was different by then. Who's the baddest man? RIP, my mum. Literally the most traumatic thing I've ever lived through. It's great that we can laugh about it now.

I was there. I held a hand as she slid, slipped away, but it's great to be able to laugh about it now. And also, Dr. Shipman, lovely bedside manner, I will say that. You'd notice if you were holding a hand, then someone came in with a gun. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right. I think it would be, I would reflect poorly on me if I missed it.

Is this normal procedure? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's going to be an inquiry. Daniel, did you know it's anything weird? No, I was just holding around. I was bored, if anything. She wasn't chatting anything. She was like, who's the baddest man of the Nauties?

I missed what I said. I just made the noise. Oh, God. Who's the baddest man of that age? Nasty Nick. Worse than Shipman. I think it's Bin Laden, isn't it? Not having everything back to 9-11, but it probably is.

Was Bin Laden worse than... We had an opportunity not to, but... Had he asked that question again. Was Bin Laden worse than Shipman? Bin Laden was a bad fella. On a personal level? I feel like his motives, he believed his motives a lot more than Shipman did. Shipman was, like, being selfish, wasn't it for the money, yeah.

You say a lot of things about Bin Laden, but he wasn't selfish. So you'll, hang on, so this guy who's killed thousands and thousands of people, in his head, in his head, he really cared about the game, whereas Shipman's just... No, because he had a fight, he had a cause, didn't he? Right. What was Shipman's shit at? Also, Shipman, the worst mass murderer. It's a pussy of a mass murderer.

what exactly do you know what I mean it's the most cowardly version of a mass murder guns give them a chance they keep coming on the rifle I don't know at least wrestle them

wrestle to death and that's why we tell all the old people in the home never give up your neck to Harold Shipman Moritz tapping Dr Shipman she's tapping he fucking

where was the ref on that Another pensioner dead. Listen, she was old. Death by Batiste the bomb. Pulled through a table. Cause of death. Rock bottom? No, but in all seriousness,

it was Osama. Back to 9-11. We got away from 9-11, just briefly. But in all seriousness, it was 9-11. Great to joke about 9-11 before a New Yorker comes on, you know, what he wants. Yeah, it's bomb me tonight, this one's for you, Sam.

Oh, shit. Some explosions, then? Oh, my God. Johnny, great question. Well chosen, Harry. Let's do some advice. That was text. I feel like that.

Absolute text. you'll be fine if you know hanging in the fucking Louvreu go on let him run let him run let him cook

he's cooking fucking Walter White over here isn't it just mad though that like even if you could go back those 25 years that you probably couldn't stop 9-11 you have to just watch it happen yeah

no couldn't you be on the plane like with a no I swear I wouldn't be I think with a taser or something no I don't think you'd stop 9-11 you don't know what plane it is you go back

say you go back right now and you can't do prep on it you don't know what plane can't I call it oh I'm two years old so I can't do much but can't I call in like a bomb threat at New York airport

yeah you should call in threats to all the places so they go on highland there's bomb threats constantly like this is a real one you have a go there hello this is a bomb threat and just this is a real one

I don't know which plane but I am a time travelling two year old so Yeah, this is a real one, though. What would you do? Tell you what else you could do a few years later? You could put an air tag on that Malaysian plane.

Okay. MH370, it's in the city. Well, we don't know. Also, when did it go down? Where did it go? Is this what pre-air tag? Huh? GPS existed.

No, but I think everyone, everyone who had an air tag in their bags was also on the plane, so their phones went down with them. Whereas I just wouldn't get on the plane. Nice. You know, we've got a couple of questions.

so Malaysia Airlines flying out of you don't know where how are you smuggling air tags on again you're eight years old when did the Malaysian plane cut down

like 2017 it's in the sea 2017 so I was like 25 2014 2014 so I was 22 so to find out it's in the sea a lot of work in it

but it is in the sea they didn't land it did they but we don't know we would know though there'd be a player Bermuda Triangle type mystery isn't it? What happened? If it's in the Bermuda triangle, it's in the sea. The fella termed

his, so when you pass through countries in its airspace over its border, you say bye to that country, literally and say hello to the new one over radar. Oh, right, you don't, the pilot isn't going, bye, by Pemuda, hello America. He's lost.

They go, like... I think that's the next airspace. But they'd say, like, all like the codes, like going out to the airspace and blah, blah, blah, blah, and then into the new one. During that time, crossed over, he turned all his radars off. So they were like, oh, he's just in there. And they were like, oh, he must still be in there. So the gap that he purposely made,

made it so he could turn course and crash into the sink and everybody. That's what happened. He wanted to kill everyone. It's a suicide mission, yeah. Why? I don't know. It's happened before. They presume it's a suicide.

They don't know this. This is what they... He turned his radar off, then the plane went missing. I don't think he went to his house. to see his, killed everyone, didn't he? To see his, dog, dog. Maybe the radar's failed

because the plane fell out of the sky. And also, maybe, like, because they've never found. Maybe they're on the moon. No, but maybe they have been taken by a spaceship. You're all right. Maybe what car's logic made sense

or maybe a spaceship on the moon? Not on the moon. So aliens come down and they're like, we're going to land, we're going to abduct some people. Fucking out, You don't even have the land. Just have that plane.

Morrow? Yeah. They're just like big magnate. That would disrupt it, radar. Yeah. I think that's what the Bermuda triangle is. I think that's just a hotbed for alien spaceships. Just want to check for magnets.

I've got a question. Do you know who they'd go back? Have you? And you couldn't change 9-11. Where I go? Do you've tried? Desperate to move on. No.

I, can I be honest, as the person who drives the show, I was wrong. I was wrong to try and move it on, and I'm so glad we've not moved on. No, Joon, you go back and you're like, 9-11's happening, no one fucking believes me. What? When I go back?

1035, I'm getting my dick suck to do some standard. I can't give a four. I'm not trying to... No, I'm not eight. Oh, you're 19? I'm... I might be an 18-old, but I'm wise beyond the years. So, my God.

That would be torture. Because you're eight. You can wank though. And you know how good the pumpum is. I'm not getting much pumpum at 8. No, you got the chat, though, haven't you? You could try. Yeah, but also, I'd be a fucking sex god at 18, wouldn't I?

Uh, you'd have to be a sex god now. What? There's to be a sex god now. I am? Oh, sorry. Oh, you've missed it. Come on. Wise up.

I reckon pound for pound, I'm like above the average. That's a god. No, but it is to it, like, me now, compared to, like, the average. 18 year old with all the skills tricks and moves I've learned over the years skills tricks and moves she's a lucky girl no so you go back and 9-11's happening

and you know what are you watch it's like a watch party what are you doing come around to ours Tuesday morning I know it's fresh as week everyone round mine why are we coming round

oh wait in Tuesday no but what are you doing you can't you can't you can't save anybody that's fucked Are you watching Nettelian waiting? Are you not in school? 8 years old. Come out, that's right.

Excuse me, morning. Shut up, mum. What are you doing? I'll finish your cocoa pops. Not this morning, mum. Got a few sin he's in. This is going to be great watching. It's like the ultimate morbid watching.

What would you have done? Then you're 19. You've got free will. You can't. You're not going to be able to stop. No, you can't stop it. 9-11. You can't.

Also, I remember, we've never. He's done this much 9-11 stuff. And we've gone from New York. Literally, I love it how you've gone to 9-11. I had time travel. I was like, I'm going to start my career early. It's 20, 25 years ago.

No, that ship has sailed. You can't save it. It's the morning. I was never trying because I'm a student in Newcastle. And all I'm going to do is get myself arrested by going, listen, attack on the towers, attack on the towers. I'm going to ring so many times. Fucking, for no reason.

This is going to happen. And then go, should me speak to that weird, cunt. in Newcastle. But what are you doing that morning? I'm doing Freshers week. It was fucking class. You're not even thinking about it. 9-11's happening

and you're not even thinking about it. I got laid on 9-11. It was class. It was great. We had a bit... Oh, we had a pub crawl. Brilliant. Four 9-11?

What? Was it 4 9-11? That was 4. Fresh's week. Oh, okay. But I can assure you that Freshers week and I was already...

I'd already quit uni but my mate, Matt was like, mate, we'll sort you out as you can be one of the, like, freshers... I can't remember what they called like guides you got a t-shirt you sort of showed the freshers around there's about 200 of us and about 8 000 freshes a car and track yeah one of them we just wait for hang on what

time was it was it was about 20 it was about half nine in the morning no no here here was it was it like early afternoon midday yeah yeah we did not just six hours in it when i watched the tell six hours no one forty six p m here yeah okay well we didn't stop the pub call it's only four hours difference to new york i think i think that's about right, four or five, isn't it? Oh, yeah, maybe. And then there's another three hours by the time you get to L.A.

I'd be like, I've got to watch the telly this morning and not one of the biggest things. Oh, we did. I stopped at a TV shop and it was mad. Then we kept having the pub crawl. We didn't, nothing stopped. Wait, genuinely, like you watched in the window of a TV shop.

That's so filming. Yeah. That's the past that. No, there's no, there's no phones with videos. That's mad. It was a, it was a great day. 9-11. It was awful?

No, it was a, the pub crawl was a, amazing. I can assure you, I felt sad at points, but it was one of the best days of that freshest week. 9-11. It's class. Underrated. You know, never forget how good that night.

I go back and I'd be in school. I'd be like, fucking hell. You don't even know what's going on here, me. Heavy things are happening over there. If you enjoy this, sign up to our Patreon at patreon.com slash have a word pod. The energy we've just given off for the last. 25 minutes is basically a patron

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Also, re-and-sick it's still on sale and have away of pod.com to pre-order your Christmas jumpers don't miss out. They're a belter. Let's have a break. Sam Maril is over. Just to say,

this is the longest gap we've ever had between recording with a guest and putting the episode out just because the way our schedule being and how things already lined up. But he was worth it, wasn't he?

Because he's a big name. We all love him. So the night before we recorded this, which was about three or four weeks ago. Yeah. yeah um sam my real message just and was like oh i'm flying into live bill in the morning from dublin should we do the pod and obviously we really want to have money he's a fucking brilliant comic um it was the morning of the roast yeah the night so day before the morning

the road yeah yeah and uh we've just put it in the can and waited until now we're now recording this on the 5th of november uh but this bit with sam marill i've got no idea what we spoke about i guarantee you there's no crossover with what we've just spoke about but uh yeah That's about two stone heavier as well. Enjoy. Hello, everyone. Welcome. Fucking Summerilsie!

A last minute arrangement. We arranged this at midnight last night, 11pm. Yeah, I was like, I was like, fuck, how many more beers can I have now? It was like one of those from like, can I still pull through? And I, I whinge about these usually. I'm like, oh, because I've got a little bit of like, you know, it was like, scheduledism. But I didn't whinge about, yeah, this is sound. This is great.

This is rare. You usually plan it out. We normally plan it more than 12 hours in advance, yeah. Pretty organized company. I think you're the smallest term realm we've ever done, ever. All right. I think that's a compliment. Thank you.

Thanks for getting over. Plus, you've been in Dublin, so that is a bold bucket, isn't it? Fucking Guinness is good. Yeah? Grogan's. That's my... Oh, what a boozer? Did you get a toasty?

What's a toasty? Cheese, a cheese, what do they call? It's a cheese. A grilled cheese. Oh, no, we got a fucking disgusting-ass Chinese food late at night, which was like Zion or whatever? Yeah, that's it, yeah. What they call?

Went to all my places? Yeah. Grogan's is one of those pubs that it looks like, you know, in Goodfellas where is it Tommy gets whacked by, it's got that vibe of like weird. No, not Tommy gets whacked, the shine box scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a bar they're always in with, you know, the same scene where everyone's, you know, everyone's celebrating the heist. in the heist, and the guy gets the mint coat for his girlfriend.

He's like, fucking take this back, right? And that's what it looks like. Do you know what I found out? So Grogan's is always the first pub I go to when I get to Dublin. Yeah. It's like the Guinness is great. And the grilled cheese, toasty is excellent. So I went there before a show.

By the way, that's how bad the food in Ireland is. He's like, dude, you got to get the grilled cheese. It's fucking amazing. Oh, my, they make a grilled cheese there. It's just, it's also the surroundings adds to the sandwich. It's just, it's brilliant. No, I totally get that. I mean, there's something about, like, a few beers in, just everything is great.

I will say this, I don't love how every urinal is so fucking close in that city. To the point, it's like, you ever get on an old airplane and you're like, these seats were not built for people our size? Yeah, but it's because people are generally not as fat as Americans, so we can fit more people. Yeah, but you know I got a lot of I had a lot of shoulder to shoulder pisses

Yeah Which the more beers you have Is not bad Because you're like All right This guy's holding me up A little bit It's kind of nice

But a lot of shoulder To shoulder piece Yeah What I found out about Grogan's is Grogan's is Very particular About their

Dublin clientele So I just went And I was having a Guinness on On my own I was just stood outside And these three Boys come over

And they were like Oh we're coming to your show tonight Can we have a beer with here. Can we get you on? I was like, yeah, absolutely. Let's have a chat. And they were like, oh, we don't normally drink in here. And I was like, oh, really? This is like my favorite pub in Dublin. He's like, no, we'd love to drink in here. He goes, but we've got, I forget which one it was, but maybe they said, we've got south side Dublin accents. So if we come in here when it's

busy, sometimes the guy will go, have you guys got a table? And because we haven't, like, we're all stood outside on the street drink and no one's got a table apart from the people who've been there since 11 a.m. He's like, the guy will go, have you got a table? And we say, no, they go, sorry, table service only, you need to leave. And it's because we've got, like, a south side Dublin accent. I think the north side's the rough bit, in it. That's the, that's the working

class rough bit. South sides to the posh bit. So they actually want, they don't want the gentrified posh, Dublin. Maybe. All right, okay, I like that. But, yeah, they were like some socialist boosers. They're fucking racist against other white people. That's fucked up. Yes. They go hard in Ireland. They're like, you're not the... Traditionally, they've had

a history of that. You're right. You're not the right type of white. They've had a long history of that. Yeah, that's amazing. How was the Dublin show? It was great, man. They were awesome. Great crowd.

I love Dublin, man. It's a great, great place. I fucking love it. I've booked to go next year to see Luke Combs. I'm going to go see Mike Rice. Similar trip. It's an amazing one when you misses and you're like thinking about going to Dublin again and you can blag that I've got a gig or it's everyone knows what that weekend away is.

It's just a colossal piss up. And I think Dublin is so legendary that even your partners go Yeah, yeah, understand it It's also fun because I came I did a gig in Milan from there So see the differences in Milan to Dublin Everyone's just like table side outside to Milan

And then you go into Dublin Everyone's smushed together in a bar It's just cultural differences But I was in a I was doing gigs in Italy And which I'd never done Which Milan, different crowds You know, Ireland's more like New York

You know, but then You're in Milan, they just at the end of a long chunk of jokes, they all just applaud. All right, yeah, yeah. You know, I do like a chunk of pito jokes and they're like, it's a good.

It's very proper. Here's a string of Holocaust jokes. I feel like I'm on Fallon just doing fucking horrible, horrible jokes. Are they laughing, though? You know, they love them. You know, they were great. But, yeah, I was walking around

with my friend Francesco Di Carlo, who's a very well-known comedian in Italy, and we're walking around and people recognize him. They're like, Mama Mia. Oh, my God. They're losing those shit.

Oh, my God. Francesco, they're losing it. And then I got recognized. One guy is like, dude. Just slight differences. You know? Not quite as happy to see me, but so like, oh, yeah, you're, you're doing hot water comedy club tonight?

I am. I'm excited. I've never been to Liverpool, man. Oh, are you going to, because obviously you're a little hungover. It's early. We're here. Well, it's not too early. It's gone 11 now, but like, are you going to go and see some shit?

Are you going to go and cheer? I got to see some shit. I've never been here. Yeah. Go down to the docks. Because I know, so I, when I, yeah. This sounds like a setup. And leave.

Go down to the docks by the water. Some guy just pushes me in. Amazing sex workers. You'll love it. So this is the thing. The docks is probably one of the nicest areas of the city. When I, when I was in New York a couple of years ago. It sounds like this isn't a great city.

The docks are beautiful, dude. This is what I'm saying, though. So I did the RU Garbage Podcast. I love those guys. And they're like, oh, you know, things, you've had a good couple of years. Things are starting to go well. And I was like, yeah, you know, I've moved down to the docks. And in my head, that's like a, in Liverpool, that's like, what, you live on the docks,

fucking, you're doing well. But to them, that was like, that sounds like you've moved to like the worst bit of Detroit or something. Like, what are you talking about? Like, the mob wax people in New York. Take her down by the docks. We'll dump her in, you know. It's where we've got the cutest little bakeries in Liverpool.

I'm excited. This is, this was on the list. And it's, it is funny because people are, like, hit me up, like, well, you fucking Liverpool and not Manchester. It's like, first of all, I don't pick where I fucking go. We all know how this works. Someone's doing this for me. I'm lazy.

But then I'm like, how far away is Manchester? And they're like, 40 minutes. And I was like, well, then fucking just come here, dude. Yeah, to a New Yorker who 40 minutes you're still in New York, then you might as well be in Manchester. I think a lot more comics should do Liverpool. I, like, I love Manchester as well. Like, there's a big rivalry between the cities,

but I actually love the city. I love performing there. That's how we feel about Boston Like everyone thinks I hate Boston Because I'm a New Yorker But it's like I did my last special in Boston I fucking love Boston But you hate Philadelphia

Because you pulled me up on there I hate the sports teams in Boston too But yeah I did comment on your When I went on a school trip to Philly once When we were kids We went to see the Liberty Bell And they were selling Eagle Sucks shirts And you heard that correctly grammatically

Eagles sucks And I was so stupid I bought it I was gonna buy this shirt And then I was like I gave the guy the money I was like, oh, fuck, this is not, I'm going to look like an idiot if I wear this. This might have been a covert operation

to sell to stupid Giants fans. So, yeah, Eagles, they stole Sequin Barclay from us. Giants are finally fun, though, but yeah, but like you, I heard you're a fair weather fan. I'm not a fair weather fan. Yeah, but since they got in the Super Bowl last year, he's really into them. By the way, that is a fair weather fan right there.

Well, look, here's what happened. I, years ago, years ago, many moons ago. Hadn't met Gillis. and that made it doesn't. Shane turned you on to them. Well, it wasn't Shane, actually. It was Tommy and Chris. So years ago when I first, like, I'm going to try and get into American football, a friend of mine, Freddie Quinn, was like, you need to pick a team.

Yeah. And I was like, well, I'll do a pick a team. Like, I, you know, I'm not going to care. And he was like, just pick a team and batch your team. And I was literally watching always sunny, like, while I was having this text conversation with them. So I was like, oh, well, I'll pick Philadelphia. here. And then I started watching it and was like, if they won, I was like, great. And if they lost, I was like, who gives a shit? So I was like, I just don't think I'm going to have a team.

Then, you know, they bring the games to London. So I went to the Bengals Rams and I was like, well, I'll pick the Rams and then there'll be the team. And then I didn't give a shit about them either. But I thought like seeing them live might do something. This is like dating for you, by the way. Let me see if I find a connection or something. It is. It is weirdly similar to that. that is spot on by the way and then that didn't work and then when we started this and we picked like orange and blue

as the podcast colours I was like oh the bears I'll get a bears jersey it'll feel like linked to the podcast that didn't work either then I was like oh well I kind of enjoy watching Patrick Mahomes

so maybe that and then that didn't really work this story makes it to the Bengals so help me go and then I tried the Buccaneers but when I I spoke to Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor

like all this and then I told them what it's like being a Liverpool fan and how Liverpool's perceived by the rest of the country and how we act and how we've got this huge fucking chip on our shoulder and we're all fuck the rest of the air. He was like you are an Eagles fan. Like everyone thinks we're cunts. Everyone hates us and wants us to lose everything but we're actually you know, we're up there. That's so every every fan base feels it's them against the world. That's bullshit. Well, he confused me. Philly fans are savages. I'll give them that. They threw batteries at Santa. So you've got to give them that.

What? They had a Santa to game and they were like, fuck you, Santa. And they threw batteries at them. Why did they have batteries? I don't know why they had batteries because they're fucking Philly fans and they're psychos. They were probably ready. They're like,

we got to throw this at someone, you know? It's recycling. And then the other one was the big Eagle celebration. When they won the Super Bowl, some guy picked up horse shit and ate it. Because I guess he was like he had celebrated it every way he knew how. And he's like, I got to eat horse poop. And that was like a big viral moment.

So these Philly fans are psychotic. And then, and then they want to, you know, they have a good team now. Hertz is a good quarterback. Their coach is good. But, yeah, Giants are finally fun. I mean, it was a lot of bad years. But I think, like, that's the thing. You're talking about, like, picking a team.

It's cool to pick one, you know, at your age as opposed to, I mean, what do we do? If someone switch his team, if someone's a fair weather fan in any sport, they're a piece of shit. Oh, it would, what he, like, you would never do that. if you were from here and pick one of our football teams, you can justify, oh, I'm from fucking Cumbria and I like Arsenal,

or this is the team that's like eight miles from my house. As long as you pick them and stick with them, that's fine. I think that's fine. You got to pick them when you're like four.

Yeah, yeah. Pick it in you four. If you stray at seven, you're going to be a piece of shit human being. You know, my friend was dating this guy and he was like a Dolphins fan, a Yankees fan,

and a Lakers fan. I was like, he's going to fucking cheat on you. He has no character. There's no ability. to suffer and he fucking cheated on her. I was right. He was a piece of shit and I called it. So, you know, Knicks fans that was a kid. You go through the lows and it's not about winning. It's about losing and building that character. Like I, the Knicks never won it when I was young. Last time the Knicks won a championship was 72, 73, right? But those losses, we lost against Jordan. We lost

against the best. And that's why I was hit the game with my buddy here and we're watching people come out of the playoffs like crying because it's like little kids are crying. I was like, oh, fuck, but that's going to be a good kid. He's invested. He's going to be a good kid. I also like, because our Premier League is now so international. Like we're getting tourists over here who were following, like, they're watching it in Malaysia or Thailand or like Australians. And they're picking their EPL team, which is how you know they're an international fan

because no one over here goes, love the EPL. But when they come over and they're like, I like Leeds or Leicester and they're like mad into it, instead of picking one of the giants, I'm like, Fairfucks. You've picked a massively average team from 8,000 miles away, and you've stuck with it. That's all, that is, sorry, there is one exception I've got,

because I do believe that losing, supporting a shit team, like never really wins, builds character. But, like, Everton, which is the other team in Liverpool, like Carl's an Everton fan, Steve's and Everton fan. I don't hate them. It's like, to me, Everton are like, you know, a less talented little brother. It's like, ah.

But the brother was there first, weirdly. But this is what I mean, there's no humour in it. It's just bitterness, resentment, and entitlement. So you guys are Mark Wahlberg. He's Donnie, is what you're saying? Yeah. Oh, Lord. When I went to Evanton's new grounds for the first,

Everton, I've got a new stadium. And there was three girls sat in front of us. I was like, oh, they're yanks, because I had to hear them chatting. And the girl turned around, and she went, are you a blue nose or a red nose? Which is, I can't even think of an equivalent for you. I went, see everybody in this stadium,

except for them over there, the away fans. We are all this team. She was like, oh, I just thought I could learn the lingo. I was like, don't ask anybody else that question. Wow.

Holy shit. Then he shot her. That's how she learned. Down by the darks. And you get rid of her body. And I got a quass on. But I was like, oh shit,

now it's coming into Everett. Now we've got these tourists coming, which is bad and good. That's a good start, three. Oh, shit. Tourists. Yeah. Well, I could see.

One of them's dead. You've got to pick a team, Sam, while you're here. I got to figure. I would pick a team, but I want to make an educated decision because this is lifelong, as we said. Okay, so I tell you what, then, we could probably help you do that. So tell us, like, sort of what, because the Knicks are your team.

Before we started recording, you said you're a Giants fan, a Yankees fan, a Rangers fan. But above all of them, the one you actually truly give a fuck about is the Knicks. Well, basketball, it's such a New York sport. I mean, you know, you can't walk five blocks in New York without seeing a court. It's like, that's part of the culture, you know. And Jews love basketball. We do. It's like, we're like, that's fucking great.

Has there ever been, an, has there ever been a Jewish basketball player? Have you heard of Amari Stodemeyer? Yeah. He converted to Judaism, it counts. That doesn't count. We count it. That doesn't count. He's fucking, he practices.

Is that the guy with the glasses? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got Amari, Dolph Shays from the 1950s. I'm stretching here. And, uh, it was a different. game then that body type worked uh jordan farmar is a jew how you describe the knicks like what's the right now we're gritty where we got you know jalen brunson's our best player he's a fucking he's

undersized but he's got he's got heart he's he's a beast okay so to don't without describing yourself yeah just take yourself out of it one step back describe a nix fan like a typical 40 year old nix fan describe that guy i would say pretty informed like Like, we know the, you know, we know the franchise. We know how the front office works. We know the salary cap. This sounds very Jewish, by the way. Oh, there was a point where I stopped playing NBA 2K

and I just started working the front office. I was like, let me restore the franchise to glory here. I'm never going to make the pros, but I could make some sweet deals, you know? What's their success like? We are in the, we're back in the playoffs. We were bad for about 20 years, give or take two years in between. and we're back now, and we're pretty good. I think we're favored to maybe win the East this year.

People think we're pretty damn good. We got a lot of talent. When did your last win a title? 1972, 73, that season. It's been a while. Us and Palisie. Yeah, Crystal Palace is awesome. Palace this year won their first ever trophy.

The Knicks are a fallen giant with like a huge... I think it's Tottenham. I think it's Tottenham. Tottenham. It's from... You're seeing past the Jewish bit. From the capital, haven't won a title in, in, from the capital. New York.

What? Oh, sorry. In my head, that is so. Big market team restored to glory. I'm so sorry. In my head, New York, so big. Wow. It's like, no.

Newcastle, Fallen Giant. No. My friend works for Newcastle, actually. So maybe I should be a Newcastle. How have you got a friend that works for Newcastle? Because he used to work for the Knicks. And he, uh, we became friends through that. And he, and he's got the hookup at Newcastle.

He's like one of the man, he's like a manager of. over there. Oh, nice. Yeah, great guy. I think it might be Aston Villa, you know.

I think your team might be Aston Villa. Like, they're doing well again now. They're probably not going to, they've had a rough start of this season, but they've had a really good

sort of year or two. Like, they're not, like, favorites to win anything, but they're going to compete for certain. Historic,

very historic team. They're from the capital because I've had a stroke. No, but they're from a big major city that isn't the capital. You know, New York had 9-11.

They had the Birmingham 6. never forget and some people don't never be able to be wrong when I go to games New York next Birmingham 6th Oh yeah you're a villa fan I think you're a villain Prince William is a villa fan though

Yeah we have Prince William and I We have a lot in common And Tom Hanks I'm more of a Prince Andrew guy Honestly I don't know Villa they wear like claret That's their colours

Clarit and blue Like a deep red All right I think I might be right You know This is exciting. Picking a team. I like it.

Yeah. They're not the most exciting. Club, really. Why? Villa. Good ground. I've been to the away games

at Villa Park. I like teams that are not always the most talented, but like beat you up and are like fundamentally sound. The 90s Knicks were kind of patterned after the 80s team, the Detroit Pistons called the Bad Boy Pistons

and they were like dirty as fuck. They were the team that made Michael Jordan great. Is that when Rodman was just beating people up and then the Bulls got rough. Lamb Beer, Rick Mahorn, they were dirty as fuck. That's in the last answer, isn't it?

That period. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And Michael Jordan kept Isaiah Thomas off the dream team because he was like, fuck that guy. Yeah.

I love how like when American football teams or sports teams get like a nickname, it's always like a six-year-old's done it. Those pistons are being really bad boys. What are they going to call them? The bad boy pistons. The purple people eaters. That has got to be a slayer.

I think that was the D-line of like the Vikings in the 17. The purple people you do? Yeah, I think there's been some... Now it's what we call Somalians in Minnesota, but, uh, I don't know. It's crazy. Wasn't Wimbled and the crazy gang? Yeah. That's quite American, isn't it?

Yeah, the crazy gang. We had a purple people squeezing and told me, didn't we? Purple lackey, shut out. I love how Rodman was clearly, like, insane, like, on drugs, but, like, bisexual, like, like, so good that even, Jordan, who was the best ever, went, yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter if he's hung over, doesn't matter where he's been. Just let him turn up and do his shit. I mean, he was that good that he was like, no, I need to go to Vegas. Remember that? He was going, I have to go and get

fucked up. But then you realize, like, when the guy, when he's the hustle guy, you kind of have to let them do whatever they want. Because if you're the finesse guy doing that shit, you're kind of a, you're a liability. But if you're the, if you're the wild card, you have to do wild card shit in all aspects of life. It's, it's like comics. The comics who are an absolute fucking mess and they're on a bill and they turn up a bit late and they're like, I think they're already pissed. If they go on and smash their set, what can you say? You can't until they die on stage. If you forced a curfew on Doug Stanhope, it doesn't work. No, no, no, no drink stuff. Yeah. You know. Dennis Robman was a best man of Kim Young

Gill's wedding, won't he? Or Kim Jong-June's wedding. Yeah. Their best mate. Was he best man? Yeah, yeah. But that's a fair weather pick right there. their new friend. I don't like when someone picks a new friend and they're like, you know, because you know he's got a childhood friend

who's like, I thought it'd be me. He's like, it's going to be Rodman. You've known him eight months. Didn't he pick Jordan? And Jordan didn't want to do her. He what?

He wanted Jordan, Michael Jordan to be his friend. And Jordan said no. And Robben said, I'll do her. Yeah, well. And now I feel bad for Scotty Pippin

for one of the most random reasons ever. Just not getting enough love from North Korea. Because he's, he got, you know what he did? He cheated on his wife the whole time he was in the NBA

and now she's like a hot cougar and she's just fucking a bunch of 20 year old players so she's getting her revenge so I think he became petty around that time right okay he was like kind of cool

for a while and then he said Jordan was shit well Jordan's son fucked Larsa Pippen too Jordan Michael Jordan's son fuck Scotty's ex-wife oh my god you know all

the fucking gossip don't yeah dude I'm like I told you you got to look you want a job in the front office at some point you better know the details I'm breaking down this league now we can't bring in scotty pippin junior his mom's a liability you know could

fuck the team that is some heavy revenge that though like if your ex-teamates like oh i don't think he was very good he's not the best ever he wouldn't have one not i'm without me and you just get your kid and go go on fuck his wife they got married i think didn't they get married they got married right i want to know how the stag do with kim jong ill and kim jong lond and i bet it was i mean it's a great pick as a as a best man if you want a pretty fucking wild Stagdo. Yeah. Yeah,

that's a hangover four right there. Rodman and Kim Jong-il. Oh, my God. That'd be more interesting. You got a fucking Rodman is... It's infinite money, isn't it? He owns the country.

He can do whatever he wants. Oh, you're doing it in North Korea? I don't think he did the Staggart in North Korea. He's a question of Robben. I think he went to Thailand or something. Robin in the 90s was banging like every celebrity, like, you know, Madonna, yeah. Madonna Carmen Elektra.

But the question is this, does he have the hustle off the court? Is he fucking for six hours in bed? Or is he like, I just, I ran for every loose ball tonight. You get on top. Like, what's he doing?

Rodman's a pillow princess. Yeah. His name's Dennis Rodman. He can do everything. He can. He's gay. I would hope. He's bisexual, so he's bisexual?

Or is he just a dude who dresses like a woman and fucks chicks? I think he's a ladder. Because he put on the wedding dress, remember? There's no way he hasn't fucked a man. Maybe he's fucking young on. Maybe. Maybe that's why he got in.

That's why he got in? Yeah, he was like, right, gone fuck me up the ass. Yeah, you're good enough, and you go. Is that how best men, works because not my wasn't he yours not mine

all right cool who am I gonna pick oh adam's ass I wonder what the bachelor party situation in North Korea is like they can't have great strip clubs they will have the best

he's got 2,000 women whose job it is to pleasure him that's their only job I take it back sounds good yeah but also it's a busy strip club it's a proper dictatorship isn't it so like if he

if he has like called Dennis Robin and gone you're going to be my best man and then Roddy is like hey Roddy you know him old Roddy

he's like look we need a strip club and Kim Jong-un's like I don't know what that is he's like look I'll tell you just is what it is like he can then literally go right strip clubs

every bar in North Korea is a strip club he's just getting other B team guys at the wedding he's like we couldn't get Simon we got Garfunkel doing the music we got a nice squad over here

he can do anything he can do whatever he could just build a strip club and fill it with the most beautiful women and it's free there should be more dictatorships that's that bad

I've also I've said a million times before I think we're being lied to about North Korea I reckon it's probably sound we are a little bit yeah propaganda is massive

yeah yeah there's no way Dennis Robbins going over there having bachelor parties and fucking bumming Kim Jong and coming back

if it's all as bad as we did make all that on I mean all those things are true so when are we going I'd go I'd love to go would you go to North Korea

maybe I'd love to visit Perhaps. I mean, so you're gigging in Milan. Yeah. I mean, North Korea is a big jump from, like, northern Italy. I mean. I mean, is there any place you wouldn't gig?

Like, I feel like, as a comic, if you're doing international gigs, is there any place that sort of stands out as like, I'd love to go and gig there? I would love to. I mean, maybe, like, Japan or something I've never been. I don't know. So Carl spent some time in Japan and never goes on about it. Really? How do you think Western standard would work in Japan?

Sarcasm doesn't exist. They say that about America, though, and it does. No, we're very sarcastic. I mean, I feel like Paris, they don't get sarcasm. It doesn't exist. Like, if you, like, France is not a, like, it's not a funny culture. No. I've never, you've never heard this.

You've got to meet this funny French guy. That's never happened. They're like mimes and shit. They're not like, they're not doing like actual comedy. That's Japan. Every French guy that's funny, they're like, mm. And you're like, what the fuck was that, you know? You can't be cool and funny.

Like, like, Italy, there's, is similar. There's some funny Italians we're like very animated but a lot of Italians are just like stylish and cool and you know

You have to be goofy and stupid to be funny yeah you kind of have to think you're a piece of shit at the end of the day and I feel like French people are like

too cool well there's that fella is it Gaulyet the French clown fella yeah I don't know I'm not big on French clown So there's a guy

who is like a really famous French clown Is that his name Philip Gourier and a lot of... That sounds like such a dignified name for a clown. Ah, Miser Goliere.

Yeah. Let me make you a fucking balloon animal here. Let me see. He runs a clown school and loads of like really like up, heavily privileged like middle to upper class white people from England.

It were like, I want to be a comedian but I haven't got anything interesting to say. They go to France and laying out out of be clowns and then come back and do the Edinburgh Festival. And everyone's like, this is hilarious.

I've watched all of them. And I'm like, This is fucking inane shite. Isn't it just like falling over and like missing your chair and like... Yeah, they're all like Jerry Lewis, I feel like. It's not like, it's not like comedy I want to watch, really. It's like if Jim Carrey sucked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. You know? Yeah. But yeah, there's no, there's no human in Japan. It doesn't, it won't, but it's different. I don't know. Have you seen the porn?

Those dicks are pretty small. It's kind of funny. Maybe that's why they've got no sense of humor because they've all got small cocks. that might be it yeah maybe not it I think the guys here's a small dick comment

coming right now none of us are packing heat if we're standing behind a microphone I think the big dick's I don't know if you're swinging that and coming up with a great 20 like Godzilla that's why he's human

because you can't wank yeah when girls are like oh he's trying his best so on it Godzilla could not have a wank are you doing the T-Rex thing and you've moved it to Godzilla because of Japan

how is he wanking his arms are lower down on Yeah, but still, like, you need, he hasn't got to an arm length as a wank. Not the biggest worry with Godzilla is Japanese. It is. He is Japanese, yeah. Couldn't be more Japanese.

I don't think Godzilla is Japanese. No, he tenorized Tokyo in the film, but I don't think Godzilla's a Japanese lizard. I think it's one of the biggest Japanese monikas ever. If you say Godzilla's from? Have you got a different nationality? Is he not an alien? Oh, right.

He's a lizard? I don't know. I've never watched Godzilla. Godzilla is Japanese. Couldn't be more so. God, we get one. wound up about some bullshit. Yeah, this is good stuff here.

This is a, yeah, I don't know. I feel like if he was definitely Japanese, there wouldn't be two L's in his name. That's all I'm saying. There you go. I wondered why we were going there, and it's a valid point. It's why he can't say it?

You know what? Like, why would he do that to himself? Go on? Yeah, it's Japanese, and apparently it's a metaphor for nuclear war. Hmm. There you go. You see, facts really do take the fun out of things.

Yeah. Well, like, oh, yeah, we did do that to those. people. That's not a... We didn't. We might be responsible for the lack of sense of humor. But we're not going to make comedy after this shit. Let's make a

Godzilla film, I guess. I don't know. It is like Western comedy clubs in Japan, no. Yeah, of course, but I'm saying that'll be mostly expats, surely. No, I don't know. Probably. Maybe. Like, they wouldn't find us funny. Sarcasm is not a concept there.

That's not the only form of stand-up, though, is it? Yeah, do they like Mr. Bean? No, but I mean, like... That's my... That's my type of small dick comedy. They absolutely love him, yeah. There we go. I like Mr. Bean.

I like that guy. Yeah. He's all right. A lot of Western comedy is, I've got sarcasm, run through a lot of it, though, where they just wouldn't, they take everything, literally,

everything. Not cool. I keep gigging in Wiggin, fine. Yeah, if you guys could go anywhere, where would you go? I would love to go to South America because I have an issue with drugs, but I reckon, you know,

I think there'd be some good gigs out there. I think that would be a fun, place to go and rocket. If Oasis, there's expats everywhere. It's kind of like, where do you want to go that seems like a fun fucking trip as well? Probably not Russia. I'll throw that out. Do you think Laura would be okay with you're getting on the chisel if you were in Columbia?

When in Rome. When in Rome? No, but like a serious question. Do you know what I mean? So would you be all right with me being on the other side of the world doing the strongest cocaine I've ever had after two years of not doing cocaine? Yeah, she'd be into it. Yeah.

Is this shit in Colombia still great? I've never done coke in my life Is it not like a tortoise trap? No, I think it's Like peter in New York You have to go to the proper place Otherwise you're just getting shit Yeah, this is my concern

Like I know Colombia is the place No, you have to go to race Coke house downtown Bogota That's the one The one on fifth Now I don't know what the fucking I don't know what the situation is over there I think it's the

If you, yeah If you're in the right place Good I think it will be the purest strongest shit ever It's like watch shops and turkey Like if you go into the shop and go, hey, I want some Coke, they'll just give you any old shiper if you go,

you got a little box of this upstairs, they'll go, come my friend, take you. Yeah. Are you buying cocaine in Turkey at a watch shop? Have you got any coke? We've got watches. Loads of watches. But you don't reckon she'd just be like,

do you know what? You're on your holiday, you're in Columbia, get off your tits. Yeah, I'd love it if she was as chilled out as you're making her out to be, but, yeah, or... I just think it's very unreasonable if she isn't like that.

We don't tell her. Are you guys both married or now? He's married. Okay. He's married. Yeah, all right. I'm fucking someone. He's living with a lady.

Wow. Lucky gal right there. That's cool. Yeah. I'm going to, me and Carly, we're going on a double date with our girls on Wednesday. We're going to a magic show. That's fucking adorable. No, you're not.

We are. It's Halloween. We're going to a close-up Halloween team. Magic show on Wednesday. What? When is close up magic? Pocus. What?

What? That sounds like a fucking bro. Are you serious? The dark hearts, the thin veil. Would you not be into that? Halloween? I don't, I'm not like opposed to it. It doesn't, so far the pitch is not grabbing me.

So there's a bar in Liverpool called the Oracle. Oh, okay. And they do it, they do magic every night. It's a magic themed bar. Fuck off. They do it seven nights a week. When you're having a big magician, you'll just come around and go, and they're doing

so it's normally free and you go in and people come over and like is that your card and it's like a trick that starts when you were like eight like that fucking good just taking the payment is that your card sign that

um but they're doing a Halloween themed one and it was I think it was 63 pound a ticket by the way you owe me 126 quid shot the fuck I owe you what 125

126 quid You, uh... It's Halloween! Wait, what is a... I don't even know what a Halloween magic show is. What do they get for that? The show? No.

It's a 19-minute show. You're getting stolen off by a zombie. Apparently it's a big production, though. They have like, like, hoplighting and stuff. I just don't feel like... Like, I don't know if the point is to bang this girl that you're banging. I don't know if magic is greasing the wheels. She's my girlfriend and we live together about the way.

Oh, okay. I was just saying, like, comedy, I get it. They're laughing or something. They see a movie. They're like, oh, that was scared, homie. but I don't think a woman's like, man, the way that guy pulled that rabbit out of the hat, my pussy's dripping right now.

Holy shit. No, but she might get scared, and you just explain the trick to her, just harm her down. Don't worry. The rabbit's not real. She gets scared. It's a worrying sign of your misses

are getting scared by card tricks, isn't it? What was your card? You fucking wizard. I'm really excited. Like, it's not something like... No, it'll be good. It'll be good.

She sent me and she was like, you're going to fucking hate it. I can't wait for you to hate it. forgot. And I didn't know I was paying even. The tickets? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a bargain for 90 minutes of fun.

Oh, I fucking do it. I wrote down some shit. You told me to write some shit there. All right, we'll do it in the second second second. We'll have a little break and then we'll come back and we'll do that. I love it. We'll take a little break and then we'll do some executive orders with Sam. And we are back.

Sam, if you were made president of the, world. Yeah. And you were given the pretty sinister power of executive order. How would you use it, my friend? I have, I have a lot of ideas. And they're like, they're like little things. I don't think I'd be like, I don't think I'd make like sweeping immigration laws or anything. I don't think I would handle that. But if it was like people who like, for one thing, people who cut in front of you and then just are slow. I fucking hate, they should get like a week.

In a car? No, no. I meant walking. But yeah, car for sure too. Oh, not just that, but you ever in line at like a coffee shop and someone kind of like needles in front of you and then they don't know what they want oh oh i'm like you fucking piece of shit that's like a weak jail time to me so what one of mine for this sort of thing a while back and i will stand on this with every type of queue yeah if i was making this real i think i said it about airports but i would extend this to absolutely every establishment on the planet whether you're in an airport a coffee shop uh you know a taco truck there should be two lines

and one line is I know what I'm doing. Blacks and white oh okay sorry I didn't know what I was going all right sorry one line should be I know what I'm doing

and the other line should be I don't know what I'm doing I like that idea and if you if you're in the I know what I'm doing line and you even say one at any point you just get you there blown off

I have a question for that say you're at a taco truck as we always are I just want less tacos these days. These trucks are everywhere. You get to the front. You know what you're doing. You order what you normally have.

And then you go, sorry, we haven't got that. Do you then have to move Q or can you then take a second? No, I think you get killed then. I think that's a, it's not your fault, but you do die. It's a high risk queue, isn't it? It's a high risk. Also, most people have got a second order in most places, so you should have that ready to go. Taco trucks are.

I always get the same thing. Yeah, diarrhea. Am I right, guys? I hate when you get overtaken on the motorway or a freeway, whatever. Yeah. And then you can tell, you're doing a similar speed and you can tell they've gone, ah, I'm just going to overtake this guy and then move into your lane and then just slow down to the speed they wanted to be the whole time.

And I'm on cruise control. I'm doing the same fucking speed. Oh, my God. It's so annoying. I don't mind being overtaken. Just pick one speed and keep fucking doing it. Don't move into lanes being like, oh, I'm in charge of this lane now. And then slow down and then make me overtake you.

It makes me look like I'm being eggy. I just want to do one fucking speed. Everyone pick theirs, whether you're an old person doing 54 or some knobbed doing 108, just pick one and keep doing it. It brunks the shit out of me. I like when you're in the outside lane. That's my new speeding bit, guys. And someone's like, hey, move right up your bum,

and then you move over. I like to speed up in the middle lane. Oh, I'll do that. If you want to go past me, you have to go 300 miles per hour because I'm going to go fast now. Yeah, guy cunts. I had another one. I wrote another.

I wrote because you told me this and I wrote them down the plane. What else did I have? Ooh, loud talkers in the morning. This might be a hangover talking. But people who are like ultra loud in the morning or people who don't do the quiet phone voice. You ever around someone? They're just like, they're on the phone.

They're just like, uh-huh. I know. And you're like, dude, shut the fuck up. I'm not even talking like that when I'm talking to a person in front of me. I'm like, you know, but if I'm on the phone, especially like you know in a tight thing i'm like yeah uh-huh sure you know that's just like common courtesy right i get bollick for a loud phone voice at home you don't answer the phone to you all right i get that's another that's another punishment i think i don't know maybe

that's like three days maybe you know when they make that fucking phone call in jail they're gonna be fucking loud so all your punishment's just jail yeah jail i don't want to i don't do death penalty yeah yeah okay do you know what chat and gangster is done go on chatting gangster so like you're like a scouse like oh yeah lad i've got a Rolex in me in my like they basically put it on your wrist you're selling it oh they basically flex everything they've got like yeah lad they've smashed us head in but they talk loud so we call it chat and gangster i do hate people talking to someone for someone else's benefit which is what you're talking about isn't it yeah like people who are on the phone like in the gym talking on the phone

so that everyone else in the gym knows they're hard. Yeah. That's all the thing. Oh, how about the guy on the fucking, on the headset, talking loudly while doing the treadmill? I'm like, all right, easy Tommy show business, you know? Oh, you couldn't wait for the fucking call. He's like, you tell these pieces of shit to wait.

I'm like, what? You do sound pretty important, though, when you do that. But they want to sound important, don't they? Oh, I remember there was a comic when we were starting out who would just like, he would rub in, he was very insecure. So in front of us, he would, like, take phone calls and be like 15,000. That's not enough money. Are you fucking kidding me?

We're not getting paid jack shit. We're like, this piece of shit. And his missus is on the other end of the phone going, I just want to know what time you're home. I think, like, the volume thing, when people can't control the volume in public and everything, I'm going to add to that, like, just during sex, if you're doing dirty talk and you're trying to do the talking,

I just don't think it, what? Public, it's just your wife. What? Are you doing a thing about your wife? Did you not talk loud enough in sex? Or is she on the phone? I love it when you interrupt me and you've not listened. I'm my favorite thing.

What? In public? You're having sex in a car park? You said days and so? No, I know. I just don't think any of that should be too loud. I think it's a, I think porn has conditioned us to be like, oh, you want someone going, oh, my God, yeah.

I like the whispery asthmatic sex. You know, when they're like, oh, yeah. I honestly think the volume thing, genuinely. I think porn has conditioned us. Like, I remember I was, I was hooking up with this girl once. And like, it was like the first night we hooked up. and I was pretty drunk and I was like, you whore

and she was like, excuse me? I'm like, sorry, I guess I watch a lot of porn. I didn't know. Got to really build up some trust. I should not have called you a whore. That's ridiculous. I haven't even paid you yet.

Yeah, I know. You can't call them out in set. You have to wait for it to finish and say, don't say that. You can't get angry. Like, hey, finish the job and then go, by the way, don't call me a ball. Oh, you want notes afterwards.

Just a couple of notes. Post-orgas and you're like, didn't like the whore. Yeah. Try a dirty bitch. Yeah. right don't be like oh don't say that because then the moods kind of melt other way yeah it's good you take some notes and you're like next time yeah yeah don't hold it back what i would say about

what you've just said the volume thing you're like a yelper i like a loud woman that doesn't surprise me at all do you know what i mean like i want the neighbors to know you're coming well this is someone who wasn't raised by an overbearing jew uh fact my mom my mom that's adam we i'm the opposite i want like a closed, shut down Nazi woman who's just like, do as I say. I'm like, all right, perfect. Now, I was raised by an alcoholic, lapsed Catholic. Yep.

I want the, I'm on the Anne Frank fuck. Nice and quiet. Yeah, dude. No, I was just being silly about the noise. And then at the end, someone knocks on the door and says, you're coming with us. That's the type, right? How long was she in the attic? A old was she? A couple years. Like 14, wasn't she? No, no. Well, I said. I thought

she was into early teens. I think 16. Oh, okay, then. Thanks for clearing that up. That's why when people were, Paul wouldn't have fucked Anne Frank. And everybody's made that stand. Because people call it ugly sometimes. People are like, she was ugly.

I'm like, she's a child. She could have got hot. She died at 15. All right, there we go. Wasted potential. If only should add quiet up, no, I'm not saying it. I've bought it. We've got some from the listeners.

See what you think of these. Dan Naylor says. See what you think of these? Wag-wag-wag-lids. listening first time writing in executive order for you the entrance to every cinema should be a push not a pull I am sick to death of trying to balance my popcorn and drink in one

hand while having to pull the door open make the door a pull on the way out it's insane I thought this last week that's so good I should be able to open the door with me back or one door for each one door goes one way one goes the other way what the fuck is wrong with you so the one side so I don't ever leave a film

but a lot of people do so they don't have to pull a door No, just make one side push, one side push. That's what I'm saying. Who's taking their snacks with them? To the shitter? No, just to the... Yeah. You've got to be able to that.

You should never take pick and mix for a shit. At the end of the film, at the end of the film, when you're leaving, you're carrying stuff. What? What are you... What are you talking about? I put my stuff in the bin.

I'm a respectful member of the public. No, you don't. Yeah? You leave your shit in the cinema. No. I take my stuff because I've normally got my backpack with me. just put the popcorn in that

you're that fucking guy at the you're that guy at the movie the backpack in America we're scared of that guy we're like what's in that fucking bag it's normally Hernandez Katie beat I'm sorry I'm sorry what I'll take

a Nando's rap into the cinema yeah oh I thought we'd go to the cinema one day together we won't that's not every time I go to the cinema if I go to the cinema that's nearby here you take hot food in a bag yeah I've had a burrito or like um

I think a burrito during the movie's kind of underrated there's one time I did make a mistake where I took a big bowl like a lasagna I went I went to pasta coaster and got spaghetti like garlic spaghetti and it fucking stink

you're a fucking prick I get 20 numbers valid yeah that's like the only thing worse if you bring like a tuna sub or something that's like a you can't bring a punch in a aroma that's jail time if someone genuinely

and I've done this once before if you get a tuna pasta or sub or a smelly tuna whatever out anywhere in a closed vicinity near me we're having a chat about it and be like put that away throw it out the window now not a pussy no it's a tough one gary flintsoff says executive order and i know dan will appreciate this one when ordering food online all items should be fully customizable full uh full exclude and include when i order a bacon cheese burger or some sort of chicken wrap. I want to be able to say swerve that tomato. Always risky putting it in the notes because they hardly

ever read that shit. I feel like America's got this nailed down where some places. Like everyone's like, you just have it how you want because we've got five guys over here and it's the only place that like instead of us telling you what's on the burger, there's the list of everything you can have on it. It's free. You can have as many as you want and just any combo works. And as a fussy cunt, it's my favorite burger place because you're like I get it exactly how I want and don't feel like a weirdo for going in what world can't we make substitutions this is ridiculous it's like it's like essentially like fast food places you're not a michelin fucking restaurant the chef can make

substitutions totally also in the age of allergies too you got to give you got to give people that now i really sound like a jew in the age of allergies you really have to take people well if you're on a flight and they make that peanut announcement you're like all right but that's by the way that is when i want peanuts the most Well, I know I can't have them. I don't think about peanuts until that gets brought up. I was like, yeah, no. They're like, there's a guy who will die if you open a bag of peanuts.

I'm like, fuck, now I'm kind of craving peanuts. Am I a bad person? I've never wanted peanuts more in my life. Peanuts are a Christmas snack to me. Yeah. Dry roasted peanuts around Christmas time. Oh, they're good, man. On a plane.

Yeah. Go to New York. Full of anaphylactics. No, I think that's another good, that's another good exactly. As in New York, I've never been to New York. And my miss is. It's weird. She's turning 40 next year and I thought New York was going to be the big one and she's not,

we're not doing it. So where, what time of year do you recommend? What's the, because I don't win at Christmas. It like the one time of year I haven't been is now, like fall, autumn. I think it's the best time, honestly. I think fall, I mean, like weather wise, it's, it's awesome. But then, you know, Christmas, I guess people like to see the tree. Christmas in New York is beautiful.

just think the tree in that shit, like Rockefeller centers, tour shit's usually overrated, right? So it's whatever. This fall is great. Spring and fall are great. Summer's pretty fucking rough. I went last Christmas. Yeah, it's nice.

It is nice, but I wouldn't go at that time again. I think winter in New York is exceptionally cold. The summer is exceptionally hot. I would honestly just stick to spring. We get two good weather weeks like a year. It's fucking weird. On the slide into the other one. Yeah.

Okay, right. Yeah. But like I always stay in William. Williamsburg when I come over, and Williamsburg in awesome, just looks fucking... By the way, are we going to New York or what? Am I having to pay for this myself? Can we just arrange some sort of have a word New York thing? This podcast is getting me to a load of places that I don't really want to pay for on my own.

Yeah, let them have a New York write-off trip. Let's do this. Okay. It's the best fucking city in the world. You're going to Broadway, though. Oh, super. You should. You can't wait to see a Broadway show.

Again. No. I've been to Broadway and I enjoy that, and I hate musical. The book on Mormon was fun. Oh, that's a good one, dude. Yeah. Those South Park guys can do no wrong, right? They're fucking great.

Shall we, as we've got Sam here? Shall we do some have-a-words because it's the name of the fucking podcast? Yeah. So we've had some people get in touch, Sam, who want us to have a word with their friends or family or other hearts on their...

I need another coffee today. Send yours in at have-a-word pod at gmail.com. Oakley Stubb says, all right, lids, got to have a word for you. ordered a takeaway last night, 50 quid for two pommos. You will not know what a parmo is. And I don't think people outside of T-Side, which is a very specific part of the northeast of this country will know.

It is pretty much. It's like chicken, cheese, deep-fried. It's a fried chicken, it's a butterflyed fried chicken breast in breadcrumbs with Bechamel sauce and cheese melted onto it. So it's sort of like a fried chicken meat to piece. Meza, misa lasagna. And it's dirty. I ordered a takeaway last night,

50 quid for two parmos, two garlic sauces, two salt and pepper chips, and a burger with fries. Not dodgy kebab shop ones either. Proper gaffed this place. After about an hour and a half, it still hadn't arrived.

So I rang up and asked where it was. When I rang, when I rang, they told me I'd put the wrong house number. I went to the house that the food had been delivered to and asked you if they'd taken it. Rather than just confessing

that he'd eaten my takeaway, he told the most blatant lie I've ever heard, said the dog had eaten it, as if it didn't know that, garlic onions, everything was on that takeaway, was toxic to dogs. He handed me the untouched burger and said, dog must have been full after the two pamos. I was fuming. He didn't offer me a bit of money towards his free takeaway.

So have a word with him for being a dodgy twat who eats other people's food, or have a word with me for ordering food to the wrong house and wanting some compensation. He lied. This is on you. Yeah. You got the address wrong. I'm telling you right now, if I'm, like, hungry,

if I'm sat on the sofa being like, I wonder what I'm going to have for dinner tonight. And then the doorbell goes and there's a guy with takeaway food and he's like, this is already paid for. I'm eating that immediately. Like, what do you? No, he should, you know what he should do to see if it's really their fault? He should, he should order some chocolate to the wrong house

and see if this dog really is the culprit here. How's the guy meant to know where it's, come from. Yeah, someone's just not done his door and his takeaway. It's on him for believing the lie that the dog ate it. You should go, no, we never. You etter. Give me the fucking money.

You'd eat this. If food tail to my, yeah, because what are you meant to do? Are you meant to go around all the houses saying, is this your dinner? I think eating it is next level, contrary though, isn't it?

But what else you meant to do? Just let it go off in your house. There's no free meal in life. This will come back to get them. It's like, when you see a movie and they find the money and they're like, this will work. It won't work. Yeah.

There's going to be revenge. You've made a neighbourhood enemy for life. You've made a neighbourhood enemy. If I was hung over and spent 50 quid on all of this dirty shit that I wanted so much and I found fucking Jeff from three doors down and eaten the whole thing and then gone, here's a cold burger. That's, it might be my fault, but he's made an enemy of me. What would you do?

If this came to your house, would you knock on all the houses? What would you, you wouldn't? Hey, I wouldn't miss the delivery. I like, I'm like a dog that's waiting for his owner to come back when I've ordered off a takeaway. I'm starving. No, no. That's why I've got kids.

No, if the food arrived at your house. Oh, right. What are you doing? Now, the chances of you liking what someone else has ordered is fucking low. There you go. The onions, straight. It's gone. No, you can't.

What if you, what if you opened it all up and went, guys, guess what? I was about to try and make dinner for everyone, but fuck that. Into the dining hall. Let's make food for everyone. Open it up. And then he knocked on and was like, has any food been delivered? And you've got everything open and you're eating it.

I just feel like, yeah? You got the address wrong? No, fuck off. Slam the door. I don't think it's psychotic behavior to get food that you didn't order and be like, yeah, I'll just eat it. You're like a crazy person.

Yeah, that checks out. If you wait like half an hour, though. It's gone cold? Then it's cold. Nobody can eat it then. There's people starving in Africa. Yeah. It's either you eat it or no one eats it.

I've got to think about Ethiopia, guys. What, do you want your food? I was thinking about the Sudan. I'd open the window, go, did anybody order food? And if no one said, yeah, it closed the window and eat it up. And what, if you order the, if this happens in the Sudan, that's a fucking killable offense. Yeah.

If you fuck up your Uber Eats there. Isn't this what the codes for now? Yeah. When you order stuff. Yeah, but if you order from like a gaff that is when anybody eats, there's no codes. It's just a guy in it who's like, here go, lads. Yeah, COVID really fucked up everything. Because pre-COVID, though, this, there was always the handoff.

Yeah, yeah. And now that it was like, leave it, yeah. Yeah, it became a more anti-we're already antisocial. And the food delivery part was like, you at least at a, Thank you. We don't even have that anymore. I think as a man who clearly likes a drink and also likes Chinese food,

you might like this story. These guys already know this story, but a few months ago. And also, it was when Liverpool, I think it was when Liverpool won the league. Yeah, it was, it was. It was the Spurs game. So I'd gone to the Liverpool game,

watched us for the first time in my life, win the league. So we'd won one in my lifetime, but it was during COVID. We couldn't see it in person. this is the first time I'd seen it and I went out afterwards to the pubs in town and just got hammered

you're talking like genuinely maybe 25 pints of Guinness just fucking put the whole day in the wall came home was just hammered and I woke up the next day my girlfriend's in bed with me she was like you were drunk last night and I was like yeah it was fucking great

and we were sat in bed just talking for about 15 20 minutes and then the doorbell went and I went to the door and there was just a guy there and he just handed me a bag of about like 70 pounds worth of Chinese food. Your favourite Chinese food? Not from my favourite Chinese restaurant and I just come back in and I went to it. I was like, do you order this for me? And she went, no. I'd got home hammered and tried to order Chinese food but the restaurant was shut.

so it had gone through as a pre-order for the moment they opened the next day so on the biggest hangover maybe of my life just this angel the second the Chinese place opened they got this massive order through and it just got delivered straight to the door drunk you looked out for hungover in you

yeah yeah without even very rarely the case what's the what's the tipping culture of the delivery drivers in America because in my head if you don't tip them oh you got a tip you'll get a Punch in the face. Cash.

Not cash. You're just doing the app. Don't you are? Yeah, I mean, yeah, you just, like, I don't know, like 30%, 25%. It's a lot, yeah. Oh, the tipping culture. Do you remember in Nashville? There was a shopping center, and there was one of those, like, it's like a boutique.

Is it macarons? Is that what they're called? A little, like, posh biscuit things. And I was like, I just fancy, like, three. It was the cheapest option, like three for $6 or something. And I honestly had this interaction with the lady for all of 20 seconds. and then she had the thing on an iPad and she just sort of span it around and went,

do you want to tip 10, 15 or 20%? You're like for three tiny cookies. A lot of people would say nothing there, wouldn't they? Yeah. I mean, the funny thing, too, is, I mean, you got off lucky. Sometimes they'll flip it around and they're like 50%. It'll be like 50% great service. Then you're like, oh, what are we taking this to at certain point?

I did one at the airport and it was a self-served coffee place and there was a tip option. I'm like, I'm doing this. Why am I tipping you? Does anybody ever click 0%? Is that really... I always tip out of guilt, but yeah, I think I'm sure people do. I'm sure people...

Yeah, I think people don't tip on a lot of stuff. It's a huge tipping culture, but it's normally for service. So if you're not being serviced... Well, here's the thing. You guys pay a living wage over here, you know? Whereas in America, in America, it's... Minimum wage hasn't changed in I want to say like 17 years or something. Wow.

So, yeah, I mean, tipping's part of our culture. I don't think our living wage is great. I think we're just tight guns. I think there's just, we've never got into the culture. It's higher than there's surely like a server over here gets paid better than a server. I mean, our minimum wage isn't amazing, is it?

No. But we still don't. I mean, it rarely is, right? Minimum wage is never like great. Also, like, minimum wage. You do get good tips. If you work in a restaurant in England, sometimes.

Yeah. Not a charge now, but it's 12.5% standard, isn't it? Yeah. You remember Chris Rock's old bit where they say, when he worked at McDonald's and they said, they go how you doing he goes how the fuck do you think I'm doing I'm working at McDonald's I'm making minimum wage

you know what they say when they're paying you minimum wage you're saying if I could pay you less I would but it's against the law Chris's first album great joke love that the first two or three specials from Chris Oh he's the band I love one more and then we'll get on our way on

this is from an anonymous when all the lads were 18 we went to Cavos the second night I got pissed and tried to clear five stairs jumping I actually did clear the stairs but as I landed I ended up breaking my ankle well then you didn't clear the stairs the force basically pushed a bone out I ended up in a Greek

I ended up in a Greek A&E for three hours got a cast on it and some crutches and went back to the hotel the lads stayed out the hospital gave me some really strong painkillers not sure if they were even legal and it knocked me the fuck out for 15 hours in the hotel room. The next day

my mate tells me that he banged a bird right next to me while I was knocked out with a cast round my leg. Do you need to have a word with him for goose and a girl next to my unconscious broken body or is it fair game? What are we talking about? I say it's fair game because you're a fucking dip shit.

You jump five stairs, you're out cold. Life, what happens to you next is just on you. Yeah, if he would, was awake and he's, you know, he's eating soup. I mean, that also, kudos to your friend, kudos to your friend for getting wood next

to your unconscious body. And also kudos to the girl who is like, oh, is he, uh, unconscious and he's a keeper? It's a cavos and a lads oladdy. Smash on, brother. Yeah. Yeah. As long as, I reckon if you don't, if you get any liquid on you, that's not.

Don't touch them. Don't touch them. Don't jizz on your unconscious friends. I mean, that rule goes pretty steadfast for no, but not even jizz on them. Don't even white. come off your cock with his undies or anything? No. That's jizz on him, isn't it? I want to know how old these guys are because if they're like 18. Yeah, if they're like 50, that would be

fucking hilarious. He's just banging chicks next to an unconscious 50 year old. Oh, this is my future divorce life. 18 to 50, Dan and Cavos, soup. Do you think you'd see that as the exact same crime from me? So like if we wish... I don't. Are we talking about how the cum gets on me, the different

types of cum that end up on me? It's all going to be... By the way, that's the title of my memoir. How the Come gets on me. I want you all to check it out. If I was, if me and you were sharing a room and you were fucking out, and I brought a, uh, a, uh, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a man, a mermaid. A midgett, um, and I, and I, you know, went to town. Oh, I'd be good. I missed the visual. You're saying it would be the same as if I, like, champained on you, as if, like, I just

wiped a little bit of residue off my cock using, like, your, pyjama bottom. Is he wearing them? Yeah. Yeah, it's just as bad. You know, they aren't. Is it? No, no, not, not. not the same, both

bad. They're both bad. You just keep your jizz off me. Just wipe it on your mermaid. That's a thing I didn't expect to say ever in my life. Do you do boys holidays when you're when you're... Is it like... Is that a thing? Over here

it's a real right of passage. Like you get to 18, 19, you finish like college and then you're... It's like a boys holiday to somewhere in Europe. I mean, my buddy's here with me in Europe right now. I'm doing his case. Chase. Yeah, we're just hanging out. We're just, you know, getting hands. hammered together. It's fun. This is kind of a boy's holiday.

All right, nice. Have you brought a friend with you instead of like an opener? Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I tour so much with my friend Gary Veter and we like, he's one of my best buds. He's a great comic and we see a lot.

I mean, I did 50 cities with three months on a tour bus this year. We went hard in America. So we saw enough of each other. We're good. We'll run it back when I'm home. Are you not having openers in Europe then? I'm having local open. Oh, wow. Okay. Who have you got tonight? I don't fucking know.

Which is, by the way, it's a real roll of the dice when you're this lazy. I don't check. I'm just like, I have a tour manager. I'm like, you just figure it out. Just don't book a hack. I just say, just make sure they're funny. I trust you. I can't wait to find out who opens them. Yeah. I'm going to be a prop act. Watch this shit. It's going to be a mime. A French mine. Sam, that's been great. Thank you so much. It's fun as hell, man. Enjoy the rest of your time over here. My pleasure.

You've got specials on all over the place, YouTube, Netflix, Amazon. Yeah, my Netflix special, I got the rights back. So that's on YouTube right now at the same time tomorrow. My last one's on Amazon called You've Changed. I got one called I got this on YouTube. I got positive influences, a Comedy Central one. Most of it's on YouTube now. You just get the rights back.

So it's kind of cool, but, you know, easier to watch. And your podcast where you might be drunk is legendary with Norman. Oh, thanks, man. Mark's my brother. We've known each other for so fucking long. It's crazy. he's a good guy he comes on the pub

when he was over there as well yeah yeah mark and i yeah he's in europe now too so we're circling each other we're talking every day are you like boys from like starting out yeah yeah yeah we're open micers together and uh we used to meet in the coffee shop and run bits

you know it's fun we I think we helped each other's stand up a lot early on just like having you know having Mark's ear and yeah him texting me like all the time is this anything and vice versa it's just so so cool to have a friend who you can just bomb jokes to and they don't think any less of you. That's like, it's so valuable for a young comic. And also, Mark's motor is like, we're talking about Dennis Rodman earlier. Mark's a

fucking psycho. I mean, I end up in like some random city and like, you know, I end up in like Omaha, Nebraska and some open mic or hits me up like, Mark came on my podcast. Were you? And I'm like, fuck you, Mark. Now I'm a dick if I don't do this shit. So, you know, Mark's motor's incredible. He's always, he's always hustling and he's always been that way. So when you start out with a friend like that, it makes you be like, well, I guess this is the bar. This is what I got to do. So I felt like our whole crew of comics was kind of like that. It feels like your generation is strong. Like last five years kicking off. I love Joe List as well. Joe's, Joe and Mark were like instant. Like I, Joe is a little before us, you know, came from Boston,

was already great in New York. And Joe, he was a dude that we both wanted to, you know, we were like, oh, we want him to, we wanted him to like our acts. It was like a big, you know, Joe and uh yeah i remember some of joe's early jokes i mean he was a fucking killer from the get boston guy touring with like Colin Quinn and nick de paolo and stuff and it gives you an edge when you're with those guys and uh yeah new new york has always been just great for reps you get your reps in so if you're willing to do the work you'll you'll get results go and go and follow sam on instagram it's so much great stand up thanks a good follow uh chuff that you were here man thank you Thanks for putting this together in 12 hours.

Holy shit. Thanks for coming in, man. Finn, have you got a song? Yes, this week is a band called The Alternates, and this is their tune, Summer Mind. Enjoy it. Do you want to do it? Do you want to do it radio style?

The Alternates, and... Sounds shathing. Ah, there you go. There's a little plug for your band. I hope you enjoy that. Nice one. It's bavlish. My summer mind is it open.

I clear the room when I hit the drum. stuck with that rock and roll it makes me hit the floor and just like everyone I want to have some fun baby play that rock and roll it makes me hit the floor just like everyone

I want to have some fun baby play that rock and roll hit me with that broken room I was in open Yeah Yeah Yeah

Holding out for the sun No, I want to be shut Baby, find a say I want to have to take you Laying next to Because I'm hopeless

Holding out for the sun Whoa Yeah Meet me by the ocean Or maybe the hotel Where all the ladies want to go But no one seems to know about it too much Wanted to get down out of my rut

Girl, I want to go out Yes, I want to go out Do you know what we want? Take it back from the clock. Going back to the clock. Taking a mother close. I tell your wife, Freddy that knows. Because you won't try the shit.

No, I wasn't hopeless. Girl, I wasn't open. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holding up on the shirt No, I wasn't open Now it takes you to tango into my life you came And I'm drug, gotta get up But now I know, but I'm out

Do you know that? You know,