Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #355 with Andrew Hamilton - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everyone, welcome to this episode of the Have a Word podcast and my God, Carl, it's a good one. We're sat on the couch for starters, mate. I know, because I'm feeling very festivey. Festivy, that's a word. Festivus is coming. It's Christmas, just around the corner. This is when we're starting to do Christmas presents. Have you started yet?

I haven't started yet, but I've thought about starting, do you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm starting to think about starting. Yeah. And if you're the same and you're a lid or if you know a lid or if you love a lid, You want to get them a nice... Such a good gift. Have a word, Christmas jumper. Such a good gift.

Paulins, Navidad. You can go with the red, the poor lints. Yeah, it's like, if you're not willing and you're loving it, it's such a good, like, it's such a nice thing to give them. And if I was going to wear a Christmas jumper, Dan, and I'll wear them when I'd be wearing it, brother. December 20th, the Haverward Arena show, our second ever arena show. It's bigger, it's better.

It's an extravaganza of everything. Have a word. It's a Mardi Gras of fun. You'd look good in one of these. Just imagine the sea of red and blue, the city of Liverpool, split, red and blue. But it's not Liverpool and Everton. It's Wallace and Paul Inns.

What side are you? Are you excited about the arena? I genuinely, up until this is a bit of a fourth war, but we had a meeting last week. I was a bit nervous. Now, I am so excited. This shit we've got planned. It's going to blow your socks off.

We know how good it's going to be. We want you to be there. There's a few hundred tickets left. Don't miss out. We want to cram it full of. the lid army. Have a wordpod.com for all your Christmas jumpers. Have a wordpod.com for all your arena tickets. And enjoy the episode because it's going to be. It's just a hub of have a word.

Have a word. Everything have a word. Everything have a word. And the episode, Dan, we've already filmed it. It was a belter. Nice. Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN, the very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed. Get on me.

Oh. Hello, boys. How is it? You're okay. I'm all right, yeah? You're all right, babe. I'm all good. Yeah.

I've got... I've got something to tell you. What? I've got... Well, we nearly touched on it just before the episode, but I've decided I want to... I want to, I'm going to air it. I've got a scrotum tummy.

Sorry? Oh, you've lost it too fast. I've got scrotum tummy. You've lost it too fast. I got out of the cold plunge the other day and I, for some reason, decided, oh, this would be, guys, try not to do the cold plunge content too much because bore off. I was like, ah, feeling good. I'll do one.

And I set up the little, I set the camera up. And I was like, oh, that's great. And then I got out of the coal plunge and reached down. to get the camera and turn the video off and then watch the video back. And as I leant down, my stomach skin scrunched together and... Oh, not good.

Can we see it? Are you on the jab? No. No. What, like excess skin? Does fit... I thought you the other day, he might be on the job.

Whoa! Where's that gone? You've lost it too fast? That's mental. You need the tummy tuck? It's gone loose. I've gone loose. You're the tongue.

I've gone like a nana's elbow. You have lost that belly. Yeah, so quick. Are you on the jabs? No. Because if I went on the jabs, I'd lose the muscle. Also, I don't think I'd have got the jabs. That was the other thing, because I wasn't fat enough.

You can just pay for them? I know people on the jobs who do not need to be on them, and they've got bad body this more than you did need to be on them. Thanks, me. Basically, so supportive. Did they give you spares? Also, I'm on test, so I was worried about my kidneys. Like, I just didn't want to rev that too much.

as well. I don't want to do the jabs because I think it is the end of society. I think the fact that we've found a way to let fat cunt sit down and lose ways is pathetic. You still have to do it though, don't they? They still have to do... You still have to live a healthy life. It doesn't just burn fat.

You've got to do the eating. You just don't want to eat as much. Yeah. So that was me because I've been to the gym. And in my head, I'm like, oh yeah, I'm trying to make gains. The last thing I wanted to do was because the people I know who've... done it, it's, they've lost weight, like, do you remember when I lost weight 10 years ago? Yeah. And I went big head, small body. Yeah. That's, I didn't want to do that.

I didn't want to. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, tell us at this point. Yeah. There's too many jabs going on. There's a limit of how many jabs I think you can have. Is the testosterone forever now? Yeah. Is it? I think so. There's risks, though, isn't they? If you don't. A hair loss. All good. If that could start going off my back. That would be class. Eye sight. Eye sight.

Hell, hello. Not good anyway. What am I going to do? Wear another pair of glasses. Yeah. This is great. Attraction to miners. Attraction to minors.

I love them. That's why I hang out in South Yorkshire. But Thatcher closed the pits. The bitch. I'm so glad she's dead. Because I want to fuck miners. You idiot. You're an idiot.

Miners lack children. Oh, no. That's not what I meant. I can see why there'd be comedy Ah, yeah No, not people who work in mines Oh no, sorry, I've just got to kink for men who work underground I'm a nightmare in London when I'm getting around

I'm like, oh my God, does he? Does he work here? Are tube drivers technically miners? I don't think so Unless they're one of the very few tube drivers that actually dig their own tunnel before they ride a train through it Then I think you could go, yeah, you're a miner

if you just, you know, clock it in with your sandwich and going... Also, what do they have to do? Tube drivers, they have to go on, off, dash the doors. They have to apply the brakes, pretty important. Yeah. But do they have to...

Why are they not auto brakes? I think they must be auto brakes just a couple of tube stations where the, like, glass, and it opens and the door's there. Yeah, why would it not be automatic brakes? Because it's not like the station's moving. I think you've got to be like,

oh, there's a... I think if there's an issue, then they're there to break. Right. Can I just check as well? It's a rough job, in it? Digging a tunnel doesn't make you a minor, does it? You could just be a tunnelman. Right.

What's the tunnelman? It sounds like a homophobic slave, on it. Sounds like an old Scouse band. We are the tunnelmen. I know. Jeff Betsy and the tunnelman? Jeff Betsy. Semi-automated.

So speed and braking, they're automatic, but the doors opening and emergencies they hand over to the driver. I tell you what, I can see why they've unionised so heavily. What would we do without those tube drivers? My God.

Stop your other tube, I'm saying. Dan's getting involved with TFL politics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We couldn't possibly work past midnight. Grow up. Oh, whoa. What's going on it? We stand with the unions.

Yeah, but London would be well better if it was 24 hours the underground, wouldn't it? Yeah, it's quite late on a weekend. Is it? Yeah, the night tube. Oh, the night tube. Yeah, on the Victoria life. Is it 24-7 in New York?

was it no? Pretty late you to think. I don't think it's 24-7 but it's pretty late to subway yeah. I don't know if I've got it late there so. But yeah, I think there's maybe very select lines.

The subway operates 24-7, 365 days a year. Oh, wow. I've got something just reduced the most time. I love to New York subway, there's something about it. It stinks, it's gritty, it's dirty,

it's horrible, but I just love being on it. It's like... According to the internet, it's the home of all mental health in New York. How it's class for that. We saw someone have a poo there? Do a poo?

Class. He was doing a poo. No, but that is cultured, isn't it? That's New York. Japanese tour at taking pictures. We were like, yeah. It was a man of a shit. We've seen it.

We've seen the mad New Yorker do a poo on the tube. We've ticked it off. Yeah, yeah, okay. You want one mental per trip to New York. It's just a when in Rome thing, in it? When in Rome, see a lunatic on the subway. Having a poo? It did stink as well.

Yeah. seen someone poo on the Areva though on the 61 so it's not that special is it really sorry I've been on a bus once and the driver's gone do the seat behind the driver the special one yeah like the high one someone's done a poo on there and the driver went right everyone has to get off we're gonna swap buses someone's done a poo on the seat you see that's not as fun is it it wasn't as fun it was on the way to work as well someone threw up on me on a a river bus people throw up on you all the time how do you have to evacuate an entire bus just for a poo it's just a bit of poo it's just poo he's picking it

But there's probably poo on every bus. Yeah, but there was an actual poo. What? Every bus has got poo on it. There's poo on your phone right now. There's poo remnants. Oh, peer. Pew remnants is different from April.

Did you see they did a swap of old, you know, the screens in Mackey's? And every single one of them in the UK had poo on it. And you touched that and then he chips. I just want to order from a person. That's one of the automated ones I don't want to do. I'd rather just speak to someone. There's poo on your hands right now.

I shouldn't have just covered Oh, fuck We're out of toilet rolls day Fuck, I should have opened with that Instead of my wrinkly tummy And you're going to try and put a bit of weight back on your stomach I don't know I don't chat GBT says it's fine

It is fine Chat GBT GBT's very Are you doing that on purpose? Are you doing that on purpose? Chat GBT Are you doing like an old person thing? Chat GPT Yeah

You keep saying GBT And you've been doing it for months Chat GBT. Hey, I. Would you just accept that I, this is how I say things. Chat GBT. You've been just saying right. What am I not saying right then?

Every time you're going, chat GBT. Like it's Great Britain. I'm saying P. You're just too Welsh to fucking hear it. And everyone who agrees with him. He's chat GBT. Yeah, you're saying P now. But you weren't 30 seconds ago.

I asked chat G B T on Telebox. Did you get my men though? Yeah. Fucking cantankerous. little con. Wow. Finn. Is he monetised?

It says me being a cantangra's old well. But yeah, it was like, no, it's fine. You're all right. Because it's fine. Yeah. I've got some collagen. Because that's what I knew

another potion. Well, the thing is, though, like you don't need to, you just need to put a bit of weight on and you, you are still building, aren't you? So you could just eat more, you can be in a calorie surplus now. Balkan season?

You just want to eat the most caloric stuff on the planet. Yeah, all right. Comes up there, you know. Right. Oh, great. It's just... Is it a lot of calories in come?

Yeah. That's why his mom's so fast. Squirting. Because Adam's ones have balls over in the earth. All right. It's not as good when it's a return of serve. I'm not going to just let him fucking ace me, have I?

I think you've just got to sort of it's got to be one of them. You know what in cricket where they just get bowled out and go, fair play. No. Yeah. Google it. How many calories and come in a teaspoon? It's like 1,000 or something. So to get 1,000 calories in a...

Wow. Gay bulking must be easy. If you're swallowing a cryout chamber, your body just explodes because there's no other calories have gone. Go on, Finn. No. Do you mean no? No, there's not a lot of calories in semen.

Yes, there is. It contains a very small amount, typically estimated between... You've been lied to by your boyfriend. 5 and 25 per teaspoon. No, that's fucking a load of bottles. There's a lot of protein. Cum's got full, like half people in it. It's got millions of half people.

Half? That's calorie. Half people. Yeah, because the other half's the egg in it. I'll think you'll come. It's got a lot of little people in it. What? Jesus Christ, Don.

Fucking hell. Sometimes you hear what you say and then go, I'll probably have that one back. It's got some sugar in it, though. Oh, I'm off the sugar. Get a tummy tuck. I mean, I was well into it. Get a tummy tuck?

They do mini tummy tucks now. Oh, you've been looking into it? Oh, get sage. Why are we getting surgery? He's got a little flap. You use it to keep your fucking wallet in it. Just use it as a wallet. Nice and leathery.

Can't we get in surgery? Pumping yourself full of shite. What do you mean? Pumping, I have, come full of shite. What do you mean pumping? How do you think surgery goes?

It's just a little nip in a tuck. There's no pumping, is there? No, they were separate things. Or are you pumping yourself full of shite. Don't get surgery as well. You don't look like Michael Jack. Oh yes. Even more so.

What's that woman who ended up like all mad, Mickey Roach? You can end up like here. Pete Burns. You're going to end up like that. That woman, Mickey Roach. He is a woman now? Michelle Roach.

Yeah. Oh, is he? Yeah. Oh, she is. I did not hear about that. You can't. If you passed Mickey Rourke in the streets, you wouldn't be like,

that man's had a lot of surgery, you'd say that woman is unfortunate looking. I don't know, Mickey, you'd transition. Is that real? Michelle, yeah. Oh, right. Wow. She's not going to Olympics.

Get a little tummy tuck and then get like, just that, go away. Don't get a tummy tuck. That's the fucking, like the old Bill baby, that's the start. You're not just going to do that, are you? No, get a bigger dick.

What could you do, deck? Get an absolute fucking... You'll end up with a tattooed on beard. He's going to have looking fucking Kurdish. Sadnext was a podcast, I'm in a fucking... What, would you get that next? Tummy tuck in a Kurdish beard? He'll get his nose done.

I like my nose. Yeah? Do you think I need a nose job? Michael Jackson liked his nose in the end. I don't think you do. Need a nose job. I think if you get this done, you'll start looking at me and like, could just fucking sort that out.

I was a little bit, couldn't I? Constantly chasing perfection. Just turn up with a crack. imperative? Ear job? Yeah. No, yeah, they could do to be reduced. And they're growing as well. Of course. And your noses. Right. The nose in your ears, never stop going. I think I've got

body dysmorphia. But it really helps having this list given to me as well. I think we all have, haven't we? Yeah. Everyone else. No one looks in the mirror and goes, I mean, Adam's going to say either. No one looks in mirror and goes, I'm happy with that, all of it. Yeah. I mean, is the levels of body dysmorphia? Yes. Everyone's got something

that they're not dead about it looks worse to you than it does to others but it what's the full yeah you call aorexic wouldn't you be correct if you look in the mirror if I look in the mirror and go God I'm a South East Asian woman that's you quite too that's a window that's too much body to suffer if you're in it the thing is you can self-identify as a woman but you can't self-identify as South Asian so the only thing you need to work on there is being South Asian I am working on it I'm going out with each on a lot more yeah Daniel you're fine stuff yeah no I

I'm just a little, I've just got some collagen stuff. It's just handy now, isn't it like a permanent pocket? Cutting out booze and, uh, cutting out booze and sugar and phone chips. And then running every morning and training, like massively up in your protein. It's like my body's gone, oh, finally, this is what we wanted to do for ages. So just to check, here's the news, everyone. It is, you know, like how? I heard the fucking thud.

so uh dan's made a discovery right if you run every morning if you cut out uh booze carbs and base your diet all around protein and you wear how constantly and take testosterone you lose weight and feel that good it happens pretty quick when he is when is your baseline when he is because you're still going aren't you uh so no i'm like the calories are up a little bit there's a i don't want to be too how many calories you're doing the day now 2 000 1800 that's low that you know is it someone who's pumping i'm not i'm doing i fit pumping cock yeah but i don't swallow because that's just empty color is it do you feel better mentally for it yeah i feel great you don't look it i mean sorry you don't look better mentally

how do you look better mentally i mean i think i'm a southeast asian woman but a heart of that do you actually feel all good than that yeah everything's coming up givinda He's made that name of. By the way, under pressure, Southeast Asian woman's name, ballpark, it sounded right, Shruti. Oh, we can't do that.

The lover. Rampinko. No. I don't think you need to do the accent in the name. Rumpinko. Rumpingo. Rumpingo. It's a Chinese board game.

Rumpingo. Rumpingo. I just wanted to go with the game. He's sexy, he's done well. A rum pingo. A rum pingo singing his dumme do.

I find that really. My culture find that really fantastic. My assumed culture. Anyway, I'm going to the gym with Harry in a bit. And Ellie. Oh yeah. You end your jeans? Yeah, I wear my jeans in the gym.

I used to sometimes forget me gym stuff and I used to do it in cargo pants. And that was like, that made me feel like a proper goth. What's happened here? I went to the gym. the gym when he's once and you've not invited me? Finn, do you want to come to the gym?

Too late, I haven't got on my game with me now. This is what Dan does all the time, in it? I thought he's invited. That's bang, I heard that. You should have known, you've got a permanent invite. I mean, I asked Harry directly, but like, you should know you're invited. Who asked who, Harry? I asked Dan, to be first.

So why then you asked Finn? I should have asked Finn. I was poor. All right. But Ellie's coming. Ellie's coming. Eli's replaced you. Anyway, the cleaners.

Do you want to tell up? Don't want I live with you. Where's that dumbbell go? In the boom. Oh, we love. Did you not invite Finn because Ellie's going? No, Ellie was coming. Don't you're looking at him.

Genuinely, I got high last night. And that's when I invited Dan. So I didn't, wasn't think he was saying. Oh, yeah. You messaged me last night, like giggling going of good story for the podcast tomorrow. Me and Ellie took edibles. last night. Come.

And I'd message... We eat or mushrooms or LSD. LSD? Yeah, LSD. Someone gifted me edibles and I'll keep their name off it in case the police come. What do you mean?

It's a thing like we've advertised before. Yeah, we'll do... Billy the Puff on it. Billy the puff gave us some edibles. And yeah, me and Ellie took an edible each and we're like and I'm not a drugman. and my brain's fucked up anyway

so like I'm all like it was all wavy and Dan was like oh the sex is good on on edibles and we ended up having sex but like you know like

you're first time was it we know we had sex you're not gonna believe you come so I so we were like I was on my back and I was she'd finished first

I was on my back flex as I was like about to come I like... What are you doing with you don't know. Sorry, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So Ellie's finished. And you're wanking. And you're wanking. And yeah, and she's like saying like, like stuff in my ear or whatever. Yeah. It was because we're all dead. Because we're all dead. We're both high.

We're all high. Anyway, listen, I don't want the full thing. Was Billy the Puff there? Billy the Puff was clapping us on. And, um, and I like lent up to go, I'm going to cut and kissed Ellie. And I came on my own back. I gave myself a back shot

I was on my mum's life Were you stood up? No, I was lying down Why did you go to kiss it when you were coming That's gay? Because we were high We were like in it man To get his thing

Gets I'm gonna come No, it was like I was coming up to her I had been blasted off as well I couldn't see her No If you haven't said like if you're on top And whatever yeah But he lends over to

kiss a while he's, and then... That's gay, is it, Carl? Oh my God, coming with your girlfriend and then kissing him when you come? He came on his own back? I mean, that is pretty gay. The kissing bit I have no problem with. The jizzing on your own back. I'm genuinely... I think just having any come on you back at any

point as a man is a big guy, yeah. Well, you know, the whole thing of like, oh, you've got to wait for... Like, I felt like a woman. It was proper, like, demeaning. Because I'm like this. And I'm like, it's dripping. Get it. Get it. Get it. I feel like a woman. Proper demeanor. Because you come in the air and then, So I meant to come on my chest

but I don't know if I've done like some kind of fucking swaz on it or something You know like Dan Burns' head during the Champions League the other night It was like that but it went on me On me like back to blow my shoulder But then it was dripping down me back You meant to come on your chest though Like that was the intention was on your tears

Just to be clear You're like this Yeah The audience over And because of that Your hand's gone a bit that way And you've come and it's gone It's looped honestly

Like obviously A lot of it went, like, on me, but then one bit was, like, fucking aiming to stars. Were you on the trampoline at the time? You've dropped the shoulder on your cup. Yeah, and it's, yeah. Was it a drip from the hole in the roof? Someone's coming in the roof. Do you know what?

The room was, the room was, like, steamy as well, and it wasn't from us. It was from the fact that we've had to crank the heating up to 35 to, like, get all the condensation out. So we're like, it's like a moist room anyway. And I've, so maybe that was it. Maybe it was, like, airflow. Got to get rid of this condensation. station. Bring the washing in here, though.

Couldn't say it's a warm room, isn't it? Maybe it's because of the air's thicker. It's traveled differently. Do you know what I mean? Like a Jabalani ball? No, it's like the jet stream, isn't it? Me and about 70,000 lids are calling bullshit, but I love... On my mum's life. Oh, no, you can't on your mum's life about

jizz on your back. Bless that fucking hypnotic. But it was like... Bless that hypnotist. Well, because we were both high and it was like and it was great sex like orgasm was boss and we were like

oh you know that was great and then I looked in the eyes I was like I've come on me back please get a towel Why didn't you go get your own towel? Because I was covered and come Oh hang on The person with come on them doesn't have to get the towel I'm sorry no

This is sexist But it's sexist in a gentlemanly way If I come all over a woman I'll get the towel for her If I come on myself it's my job to get my own No, we have carpets. It's your cup. I thought you were going to say, listen, once I've come, that's me out of the deal.

You do what you want with that. There's about 3,000 calories there, love. That's bulk. Your glutes are looking pathetic. Why did you do this on the carpet like a little dog? Oh, no. Just on the carpet? Because it was like an all over,

because it was on my front as well. There was no way I could have got out. Hell me, did you get in the shower? I just wiped it off. Harry, have you ever had a shower since? Yeah, I had a shower. we're watching Frankenstein though sexy, horny as fuck

we started the film and was like, let's just have sex You don't need to get a shower like from, no I meant since as he had a shower Yeah, I'm not consistently bathed and come But your mum Nice Do you pause the film

For the bong? Yeah, you rewind it, don't you? Of course you rewind it And you go, that's where we were up to We paused it You just let it play through the bong Yeah, because otherwise it's too like,

Forced. You kick that, oh, is it time for fuck Palace time? Well, then we'll pause Rastasui

and I'll fuck you and then we'll go straight back to the fit. Oh no. You leave Rastatoui on. You don't have fucking A moat gets kicked off the bed and then you rewind it

and you go it was the bit in the kitchen. You can't smash push to Pixar. Come on. Stranger things was on last weekend the noises. We had to stop

and turn the teleoff. Yeah. And there's children in it. Yeah. Yeah, Frankenstein he's making, he's cold dead bodies and that. right

we're in fucking cause of the kids there's a monster on the telly I think yeah okay I'm not suggesting you're going to pound town with C, BBs on that's too much but

I just I just not I can't in my head you have telies on whenever you walk in a room you lot you just stick a telly on

yeah oh I'm here now telly's on oh it's on my phone I'm not walking silence in the dark with all his kids

No, it's just thing. No, no, no, don't know, just put a telly on, just be. Can you just sit in a room with like no stimulation? You will? Like I'll have a YouTube video on or the telly's on or... Yeah, I'm on my phone and whatnot. But I just feel like you,

whenever you like get in bed, you're like, tellies on. Yeah. I just... Because otherwise then you're looking at you say, it's a big black mirror, isn't it? I don't have a telly in my room. I won't stare at it. into a

like that would be weird wouldn't it I don't have a telly in my room but I just have my phone on all day every day

to stop the day I realized stop saluted at my pies do the day I was on the couch and the room and I had to

have a proper way with myself because I realized I was playing a vinyl watching Sky Sports News and on TikTok all at the same time

class you were in the thoughts death hole can't get in well like the TikTok I was watching got a bit quiet so I paused

Sky Sports News so I could watch it but then I still couldn't hear it and I was like, why is that? I was like, oh, I'm a record player. Dan, how'd you entertain yourself if you're on your own? Not wanking. Um, no, I don't.

Like, so you've got like two hours to yourself in the house, what are you doing? It's just in the minute making his little laptop. Why does it look like I scrote him? Um, I would yeah, watch my phone in bed.

If I get in bed, I'll watch my phone. it's hard to you know when you go I'm going to watch like a TV show or something and then you go I know but what if I get stuck watching Instagram Reels for 48 minutes

so I do a lot of that downstairs in the living room probably Sky Sports News unless I've recorded something I don't go yeah I suppose you're right I don't go and sit but we've got no TVs upstairs so that's the disconnect

yeah but she's I wouldn't get in my bedroom and be like Oh, God, I just stick on, like, Comedy Central. That's the best. I love being entertained at all times. It's one of the modern benefits of being a modern man in the modern world. I mean, that's been an available option for many a year, hasn't it? Just sticking on Comedy Central.

Yeah, but I'm saying, like, back in the eighth times, they couldn't put them telling him. Henry the 8th reappears, ladies and gents. No, but if he wanted... 12 mentions in 14 weeks. What did he do, though? Like, you know, 8 o'clock is... birds finish work she's just got home and have a bath which one which bird

like before he was married like his fucking OG bird that it didn't work out with Catherine of Arrigan yeah Catherine of Arrigan and him it's a fucking Wednesday night eight o'clock she's had her bath they've had their tea it's an international week there's no

games yeah gutted they've been the machis they've come back what are they doing then have they just got like a loop player in the corner and they got like yeah people to come out and like an improv troupe. They'd be separate as well. They wouldn't be with each other.

Come out and do friends for us. Go on. The queen would have a, eight women with her at all times that would have little jobs and they'd sit and sew. Listen to read poetry. They do fuck all.

I'm boring. I wonder, he kept killing everyone. Yeah. Bored. Oh, I'll just chop someone's head off again. Well, you're doing love? Just sewing, leading poetry. You can't do that at the same time.

cut your fingers just eight there's like a harima bitches to entertainer and what's that for like just for company yeah is that like

yeah right okay Mary Queen of Scott's had three marries with her that had all been raised in France with her they were like

the four marries they were her they were with her whole life basically so you could just ask like beatbox and stuff for you she just got a

Mary three beat box for me I think that's what my dad and his mate it's called the gay lads it is school, you know.

The Four Mary's. We've got the three graces. In Liverpool. It's called the three graces. It's also a girl's name. Who are the three graces? It's buildings. Carl's been a dick.

Oh, right. We've got the lava buildings and the other two. Koonard building. Kuhnard building. And the... Municipal building. Pop.

I'm going to give this a posthumous screech. Are you all right? Potov. He's doing a Southeast Asian woman's name. Potov, Potov. She's Vietnamese. I am Rumpingo. I am your talk guy.

Rumpico! This Christmas, by your whole family, Rumpinko. Take time? Yeah, I think it is. Shout up, Rum Pinko and Henry of the 8th. We have got some Where I go? Shit.

This is just the default now. I want this turning up. Oh, there's a kicks in there. Send you questions in to have a word pod at gmail.com. Trevor Hallis says with Crimbo coming soon, I've just started thinking about presents on what I'm spending, et cetera. Good time to do it. Made me wonder, if you're a billionaire, like,

like Jeff Bezos wealthy, is there a spending limit on gifts for your loved ones? Do they expect million-pound big presents and 100,000 pound stocking fillers? And if you were billionaires, what would you get the other lads for Christmas? Well, I think the misconception with billionaires is that they just have like a big room in their house

with like three bills. Scrooge McDuck. Yeah. Because Jennifer Lawrence, no, it was Billy Eilish, wasn't it, got an award. I was like, there was billionaires in the room who was like, if you're a billionaire,

why are you a billionaire? Like, no disrespect, just give you money away. You're like, that isn't, it isn't a pile of cash, is it? Not that I'm defending billionaires, but if you own 80% of the stock of Tesla. Yeah, it's asset, Rich. You haven't got like a... Bondi's out of word.

Stick up for me and the boys, will you? He's trying to take down the TFL union as well. Don't worry, Tim, I got them. Yeah, like, you've got a big, they've got a lot of money but they haven't got like a how many you could sell this stock you could sell what do you think of me Tesla stock loves so that you can

have a my little pony talking about what you're spending this pony you're talking about then you'd be a brutal billionaire what you reckon Jeff Bezos's current like is Apple pay because he's got Apple pay yeah what you reckon's on that current account maybe like 5 mil

you reckon yeah just enough that he never has to ever worry I reckon he's probably got an account that constantly has five mil plus in and if it ever gets the five million you know like you have a number

in your head your bank gets too is this five mill I think yeah I think that's the sensible one wouldn't it be amazing if it was just

five hundred dollars it was like no I'll just share his credit cards like if he was like oh what if I got can't for is he not just play with the cheats on like it doesn't matter what he does

if you want something he's got it and then it just sort itself out I think it is a it's an interesting one isn't it because if you

I imagine if you Shag and Jeff Bezos, and you go, hey, I want a fucking, you know, hot dog machine. Oh, we'll see if you're good for Santa. Lauren Sanchez. Lauren Sanchez, she's like, hey. It's the hot dog machine. So he's with her. She's like, listen, I just want a taco mate in the house.

I imagine. She's starving. She's a big girl. Have you not seen Lauren Sanchez? I want a hot dog machine and a taco maker. Also, I love that Adam heard Sanchez and went, she wants tacos. I'm Mario for a reason I'm a taco in barito

I've got like seven shots I want a Paco station in the kitchen he's probably just like he are fucking whatever The kitchen is a taco station How much she needs All kitchens are tacos stations Maybe a permanent one

When a member of the staff What you mean But how sad would that be When you just wanted a bowl of cornflakes You want a taco No No Jose I've just come for a brew

You're a force for in, dad. I'm a force for tacos. No, but I mean, the guy's just something going, there's not enough people in this house. All the stock is going out of day. Why pay me? I pay, I get $85,000 a year. I get dental.

I never make any tacos. It's sad. My passion is tacos. I just sit in Jeff Bezos's kitchen, hoping for Lauren to come down the stairs. Miss Sanchez, can I make you a taco? Oh, you go to bed I wonder what his house is like

I have to sleep on the burritos What do you reckon his house was like Do you reckon he's got spare two brushes His house hosted the Yeah, I reckon His house was rented I don't know if it was rented out But did you see Chris Jenner's birthday party

Yeah, have you seen she That was at Jeff Bezos's house Yeah yeah But she's now wearing gloves all the time We see your hands We don't see your hands Oh she's wearing gloves because Not all women ons

You can't hide the hands Not because they're full of poo I thought like maybe like OJ she'd been cursed like when you get a new head Like Dumbledall? Yeah

They gave you the new head But your hands are fuck mate So she's got 72 year old lady's hands So they never used to be able to do necks So the thing used to be like You've got a new face but your neck Now they can do necks

It's now hands They can't do hands yet Yeah could they cure cancer Could they or up with that Instead of trying to make young hands You're dying Wow And what do you thought?

I might have cancer you know? Oh, here we go. Dogs keep sniffing me asshole. Right. I've seen it. And he's obsessed with his ass. It's either stage four cancer

or you need to wash your under pants. Alfi's dog was doing it either day, but do I reckon dogs can do that, can't you? They can sniff out if you've got like fucking Lyme disease or whatever. Lime disease cancer or skids? I haven't got skids.

They're brand new pants and I put my undies on this morning. Two dogs have sniffed his ass. Flex. Yeah? Two dogs have sniffed his ass. I think there might be something on the pants because when I came back

from getting me coffee, were just sniffing me knee. So unless I've got knee cancer as well. I've had a sore knee. You've had a much more sore ankle, though. It manifested your asshole as well done it, knee cancer. If you were a billionaire, Dan,

so you were like, you know, a little bit rich than you are now. You have another couple of weeks. And, you know, we were doing me and Adam, you're buying our gifts. We don't do it anymore. We used to do them. We used to be silly. What would you get us?

I'd buy him a new pair of pants. Odourless. Or a dog that can't smell. I think you just have to be more thoughtful at that level because they know you can just get whatever you want all year round I think that's the thing is it if you're one of Jeff Bezos's kids you there will be an expectation of like

he's like I've got your new bike you're like fuck off it flies though it's a flying bike yeah nice you'd have to because if you can have everything what you get that's boring I mean obviously it loads to be a billionaire but like the joy of getting a new watches because I can't really afford it.

So it becomes, that's when people got mental, isn't it? And they're like, oh, this was Hitler's watch. Merry Christmas. You are right. It's like things that money can't buy, but does that one like travel in time as well? It's like Bernard's watch.

Hitler's watch. That was the original pitch. I'd be like, I think we should change this to Bernard. I haven't told this one by. Yeah, because it'd be boring, wouldn't he? Oh, you've got it. seven Lamborghin, Lamborghinies. You got me an eighth.

Yeah, so, like, for you, it'd be like, Luke Combs' guitar or something to put on your wall. Or Sammy Hippia's left butt, left boot. Left boot, jockstrap. The volley, you scored against Juventus? You get me that boot? That left-footed Sammy hippier volley against Juventus. It exists somewhere.

Also, I don't think many billionaires are like, We need more Sammy Hoopier merch. No. So I think that's getable. You're a billionaire. Sammy, hello. And he's like, hello. Is Sammy Hoopier?

Because he's finished. You just have to show you've put some thoughts in at that level. So it's that. Do you know what I mean? Get me a belt. This is a jumper. This is Shakespeare's lighter. So hang on.

I'm getting you. Luke Combs's guitar, the one that you saw him play in Nashville when we saw him live. So it's sentimental meaning. Or Sammy Hoopier's left boot, not the right one. Who gives a fuck about that? He didn't score it with his life.

He scored it with his left. I got that. Or a belt or a jumper. Sammy, if he is belt. Tommy, what are you wearing? Take it off. The belt he wore and celebrates his goal that night when he went to...

To do heroin. The 0-5-1. Did you ever go the 0-5-1? Yeah, the 0-5-1. I was in the 0-161. The 0-2-4. What? It was a club of Liverpool.

What? It was the R-1-5. Was it the 0-1? It was the 0-5-1, which always does my heading, because why is it not the 0-151? There's a nightclub in the pool called the 0-5-1. Because before it was 0-151, it was 0-5-1. Oh, right, cool, well, that's why then.

Yeah. So the 0-5-1 was Liverpool's, like, big nightclub before the pleasure rooms became a thing. It was like the fucking place to be, and I thought you'd have been in there, popping pills. With Sammy. With Sammy Hoopier? I don't know.

I don't know. Sammy gives you jumping air, lad. For me, a sesh on the pills was never the same without a finished centreback. You're like, Danny, you're coming up off those pills, I'm like, I'm trying, but Sammy Hoopier's not here, so I don't know how high I can get.

He used to lift me up. There you go, then. You can see the lights. Yeah, like get your certain money coming by, a Concord. A ride on the Concord. Wow, that's a pricey one. How'd you get it, though, if money can't buy it?

It's bribing at that point, in it because the Concord... With money? No, but money can't buy it. Money can buy people to get things. That's everything. Not really. You're right. What's happened there?

Yeah, I buy you something money can't buy. But I would get it with all of this cash. In a subway sandwich is money can't buy because I go in and go to the fellae. I'll give you 11 quid to make me a buddy. No, the average person can't go book Concord. But if you know somebody who owns a Concord, you can go, egg isn't going your Concord?

I wonder if anyone still got a Concord? Probably in a garden, like someone rich, like John Travarton or something. Do you know what this garden needs A few more bushes A Concord He's got a plane in his garden though

John Travolter's got a plane in his garden Yeah it's a Boeing 7 7 isn't it like the one Linnard skinnid died on or something Linnett skinnard? Linnard skinned? Who's that? Who's that?

Yeah, Linnon Skinner. Who the fuck's Linnid Skinner? The band Linnid Skinner. Sweet Home Alabama Google In my head or gas like me Yeah And they died in a plane crash

I'm going to be dead annoyed if he's right I am right Linnard skinnard Who died Linnon skinnard Linnon's from Linnon skinnard's just the name of the band It's like the whole band died In a plane crash

It was the day the music died But the other one The other music What? No, they're still going No, but with new members It's like triggers brew Champlain crash

Do you mean buddy holly It was charted by the rock One minute John Tivolto was the pilot Some people did die Yeah, because it crashed. How's it and John DeVolza's garden then? Because they found the remains and put it back together, like Lego.

Yeah, you'd fly that one, weren't you? Which plane do you want to fly? The Lego Remains one, please. Fair play, John. Love taking a risk. I bought... No, it's not in his back garden like it's a park car. Oh, yeah.

It's like a... I think he's made like a treehouse out of it. What's on for Christmas, John? I know. Plain Remain Treehouse Linnon Skinner's I never heard of them I want their plane

that you can actually made into a tree house Cheers I can't believe you've never heard a linen skinnard I've never heard them words in my life

I find it as believable as Rubicon or whoever you made up before Rumpico Rumpico Rumpico Sorry

Rumpingo Rumpingo Let's ask the assistants I bought my mate A helicopter ride once And I spent the whole time worrying that he was

going to die on the helicopter ride There's a bag gift. Who did you buy? I bought Powell because we buy presents for each other every year and it has to get to

I've done the sentiment. No, but I was like, I've done the sentimentality bit so I was like, I'm just going to go big and I bought my helicopter ride. Read that out.

Not bi-annualy, no. Rumpinko is a Southeast Asian woman's name. Amazing. Linnard skinnard is pronounced. Linnard skinnard. Here's the breakdown. I think it's because you said Linnid Skinnard.

I thought you were mis-saying Leonard Skinner. I thought you were having a nightmare. You were absolutely right. I knew what you went. I've just been saying it wrong, but the whole time. I thought it was Leonard Skinner. And they died in a plane crash.

I know John Travolta has it in his garden. Go of you rich. I asked John Travolta to have a go. Yeah. Sweet home Alabama's theirs and the other stuff. He loves them. Class? Should you do another question?

What was the question? I don't know. What would you buy? Oh, billion. Oh, you know. Yeah. Like, I think just wherever you are

on the sort of fucking earning more spectrum, the more thought you put into a present, the more the person receiving it will give a shit about it. And that thought can be anything from, you know, she's really into,

you know, the tweenies, gathered a fucking visit from one of the actors who played one of the tweenies. She, you being your misses. Yeah, is into the tweenies.

Yeah. Classic billionaire's missus. She's slow. I want to, I want to make her a taco, She just keep watching the Twinnies. Mrs. Sanchez. I think I've become quite easy to buy for.

You know? Get me some fucking clothes and I'll take them back and get ones I actually once. Just give them money. Money can't buy. Have you... Do you know what you get in Laura this year? She's already going to see.

Yeah. Yeah, she has. What? We've already given it each other our main gifts. Oh, didn't you get headphones? I got some bows, high-quality headphones. Thank you. What's she going to open on Christmas Day?

We've got, we're getting each other a stocking of surprises. And guess what? Big Sammy Hoopier fan, so I think we know where this is going on. That's what, one of the things that attracted me to her, loves a bit of the hoop.

Is that, that's not, so if Seneca could get to me a gift now or whatever you gave her. That's just a random gift. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean,

we did say Merry Christmas. It was so upset. Mid-October. Mid-October. Yeah. It's been great. Why don't you just go and get her another main present? Right.

Win Christmas. I'm cool. I'm going to need some help with that again. What does she like? Being left alone. This is the annual Laura's presents bit. She... She doesn't like clean in the house after the kids.

Get her Jeff Bezos's wife to come and do it? Okay, Lauren Sanchez. Taco eating. Lauren Sanchez. There's fucking taco bits everywhere. She's scouse. Do you not feel like you've lost the magic of Christmas if you're giving each of the Christmas?

I mean, I don't know whether he feels. Like that he has. But Laura watched the episode with Adam talking about sex on Christmas morning. So she's like, just make me squirt all morning. So I think we've regained the magic of Christmas. At what point is it? We're going to put Muppets Christmas Carol on

and she's going, like the lamp, not the rap! Like the lamb, not the red! Everywhere. You're going to pause it or Rwanda? I just keep it on. At what point is become, if you get your presents in June, When do you start calling a Christmas presents? Well, we call this one Christmas presents

because we asked for them for Christmas. And then Laura went, I really want that now. Can we just do the presents now? This was her doing it. Oh, so it's her fault. Yeah, it is. Blame the woman. The idiot.

What was it? The woman did it? She did it. I also blamed Mida Hinley and that Eileen one. Who? Of Corrie. What's her name? Eileen Charlishton. Charlie's Terran played her in the film.

Oh, Monster. in Monster. You enjoy facts. What was it? Got Linn and Skinner right, though. What was it? What was it? What did you get? Hers was a walking pad

because I'm not looking at that mess anymore. A working pad? No, she's... I got telling her walking pad but didn't take many Christmas. What is it? What's that? It's a treadmill.

Without her control. She can just watch the telly and... Yeah, because she doesn't trust pavements famously. Is that what it is? Yeah, you can't walk on pavements. You'd be mad. So she walks

near the bifold's staring at the wall. Cool woman. I was like, yeah, it seems, I mean, the conditions, it's like 15 degrees and sometimes a little rainy. You can't walk in that. Merry Christmas. Are you mad? I was like, Laura, this makes so much sense.

Because that space next to the dining table in the dining room where people could walk around the dining table, we don't need that. Block it up with a walking pad. And she was like, thanks for believing in my walking dream. I was like, excellent. How many times I've ever seen to use it? Not once.

What did you go? Since mid-October. Maybe she's saving it for Christmas Day. Some boats headphones. You're just seeing it on Christmas morning. It's going to be like, you can't. Look at it. She loves it.

I got some Bose headphones to replace the ones I, big overhead bastards to replace the ones I got off Timo that were making me racist. Because every time you turn them on, you were like, they were like, of a phone and... Blumpin'clock. Connected to the phone.

And you're like, I can't keep hearing this because it was starting to become part of my... Connection at a lost. Now the both ones are less racist. Please do Christmas properly this year.

Right, I need help, boys. Come on, come on. Get on a treadmill. What does Laura do on a Tuesday? Upper. up a what? Arms.

I thought you meant like her end of the rye. Yeah, she's up the wrong. She's the fucking rhyme indeed. She's joined the IRA. She does a she does a real IRA coffee morning on a Tuesday. like a Jerry Adams

was like Jerry Adam's own goals and gaffs or something but it's not his voice it's just the woman from my Chinese headphones we do not believe in her

this animal man what does she do on a Tuesday morning she goes to the gym the ladies gym after the gym I've been told the name of this gym

so many times it's in Queens Ferry. Try sweaty flaps. I don't know what it's called. Okay. I don't, I didn't ask, I said what's after the gym? What does she do after that? Pound town. You know, Poundtown? Or Nando's. Is she just you? What? Are you that sound of the same person? Yeah, she's on test. Nipples are massive. Okay, Wednesday.

Wednesday? She can do what she wants. I'm here. I'm with you, baby. What's an interesting? What is she doing right now? Do you understand the question? What does she do? Or do she just, does she just exist when you're not there what an interest what's the day today wednesday wednesday wednesday ask what she's doing ral ringer and see what she's doing right now right she's getting walloped she still answers yeah i'm just getting wallop love what the fuck are you doing right now ringer oh no it's too aggressive i'll delete that i just went too aggressive ringer right all right two seconds and then we'll base the presence on her answer

I'm having a shite, Dan. Hello. Hi, darling, you're all right. Yeah, you why do you sound weird? Because I'm on the podcast. Oh, sorry. Can I help? Jesus Christ.

I love a minor. From before. Lars, can you make your phone sound less shit? Yeah, one sec. Yeah, just go to the shopping and an iPhone. Give her a new phone. She's got an iPhone. She's got an iPhone.

Are you having sex with anyone right now? You're not getting walloped, are you? Pardon? You're not getting walloped by someone, are you? Not at the moment. I mean, there's every chance. Is that for me and you later, or? Yes.

All right, great. The exhaustion, that answer. Yes. Laura, what do you do on Wednesday's, love? What are you doing right now? Go to the gym? The lads are asking. Go to the gym.

do the iron in right what else do you do you're making me look like you're making me look like a bad husband don't you go skydiving on a Wednesday oh yeah skydiving

what do you do on Thursdays we spend we have lovely Thursdays don't we? Oh we have lovely Thursdays together quality time what day does she spend on her own and what does she do with that day? So Mondays and Wednesdays are like they're your day aren't they really

yeah I do like like housework and food shop and I go to the gym a lot, though, so. What are you doing right now? What are you doing right now, babe? I just, I just cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned out the guinea pigs and I'm just about to do the iron in. I need to, you met, I feel bad. Why?

I feel bad because we've rung up to find out, find out what I should be getting you for Christmas. And so far it's either. Picture of them guinea pigs. a watch later. It's either creatine or guinea pig food. When you said clean out the guinea pigs, did you mean the actual pets or your tits?

Because I think the last thing. It was the pets. I'm sorry. It's not like exciting. Right, well, this has been a big help, and I've really pinned down what we've got. No mugs, though. I don't want any more mugs, all right. No mugs. Did you hear that, Adam? No mugs. Oh, she doesn't know what she wants.

All right. Love you so much. See you later. All right. Love you. Bye, everyone. Bye. Bye.

I hope that made good, good podcasting, because if that's ruined my sex later. No, she's seen a guinea pig for you, mate. You're flying. So have you found out everything you want to find out there? Do you understand why? It's hard. What am I going to do again? Get a fucking mop and a guinea pig.

Hire a cleaner. Yeah? We tried that. What do you mean? Hire a different cleaner. She didn't like it. Some women don't like cleaners. Seneca does.

So, any ideas? Because I'm... New iron on board. New iron. New iron. You can get a good iron. Would she let someone else do the iron in? Or does she got like a bit of a control freak with that as well?

I've suggested that. She doesn't like people in the house. Yeah, but you don't have to be in the house. Take your iron into wherever they... Yeah. It's not a Christmas present, is it? Yeah, an ironing, an ironing board and a one-year supply of ironing.

I think a one-year-supply. Merry Christmas. He's an iron. You're not neither. Somebody else's doing it. One-year supply of not doing the iron-in. The honest truth is, based on that conversation, I think what Laura has is a lack of hobbies.

There you go. So, you know, when you go into those places and you can get, like, an experience. Yes. I think you go and get all of it. Exactly. Go and get all of them. them and just give it like a stack of DVDs give it all of them top 10 experiences that

are gifted in the UK oh is it for couples is it for her no it's not for me it's for when he's it's for when he's in here i'll drop her off gift gifts for wife right okay oh no experience yeah no we're on virgin experience days do oh nice what's coming in at one race across the world Mondays and Wednesdays. Yeah. She gets back from dropping the kids off about quarter to nine and she's got to be there

about five past three. The Jurassic Coast she could race across West Cheshire. Jurassic Coast site sea and cruise. Can you bring this budget down a little bit?

We're not talking about Bondi's wife. 18 mile helicopter pleasure flight. That's what I got. There you go. That's what I got Powell for two. Yeah. And she can have both bubblies because you're on an old.

Hopefully. You've got to be careful with the experience on your own because I did that my dad likes to be on his own. So we bought him at one VIP ticket to go see Alfie Bo

and he just met Alfie Bo on his own I was in the lift before with the Welsh potting machine Mark Williams before that's not mad I forgot to tell you us I want to turn the volume on

the screech so loud got in the lift and the Welsh potting machine Mark Williams was there in our building no in the Q-Parts right

is Alfie Boe Welsh no I just I just George is Georgie Oh, your dad met someone. I met someone earlier. Williams, the Welsh pot. Islander Workshop,

create your own Harris Tweed handbag. Getting closer here. Yeah. Handbags? Women fucking love a handbag. I want a handbag actually. But get Lorda a really fancy handbag. Yeah, get in a proper bastard handbag.

A mulberry. Ask her mates what you'd like. A mulberry. Some apples. There is... Can she not just make her own handbag? Chest the zoo. cool

I live in Chester I've got two children do you think we've never thought of Chester Zoo or let it go on her own yeah private clay shooting experience

I just think that's for me a lot of this especially like that last one is stuff you just don't know that you're going to love it until you try it

so I think you just get it all of them get at a shuckle and you go then then there you go you hire a woman or a man

or a trans for for the third is that my shell rug for the whole of January right that's it

that's it we've got it as well so you hire I'm on what's the advice here get a trans person to come and hang out and go clay pigeon sharing

no no no no no slow down sir you get a trans male or female babysitter and throughout all of It's their job to pick the kids up, drop them off, wait for you to come home.

You take all of January or, well, we're climbing Kilimanjaro. You take February, tell Laura a present start or February, right? Just for future, for future reference, if you want to make that less politically loaded, just say hire a nanny, but go on, go on. I just want to be more inclusive. You are. What's wrong with a transnanny, then? There's absolutely nothing wrong with the transnanny.

Don't like amalgamate those words, by the way. Nanny McDee. Minute words. So for February, she does one or two of these every single day. Oh, she'll love this with her social anxiety. She'll love it. Three sets of new people. A challenge every day.

By the end of it, she might be a social butterfly who loves clay pigeon. There's one more, that. This is only £1,500? Yeah, is it's only £1,500? Is $1,500 OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so she could do a Battle of Britain, Harvard Warbird fighter mission. she can fly a plane

and what you get to do in that is you get a 20 minute mission briefing planning and then you discover what it would what it would be like to be bounced by enemy fighters and then you land and have dinner at John Travolsa's house

bucket do you want my card sorry is this presents for your wife a battle 1500 quid a battle of Britain Harvard Warbird fighter mission

right what does he mean bounce but like she getting rattled by, like, Nazis? Yes. That's the only answer, Harry. Someone, what, people were getting rattled by Nazis at that point. Yeah.

Eva Braun. Yeah. Went on to invent hovers and stuff. They got medals for it, the shavers. When did she invent them? Before she got a bullet in the head outside the bunker. I think they found it in her house, like their plans for, like the bill of prints. Oh, she shouldn't have shot herself.

It was like how Da Vinci made the helicopter. She died with her in her hand. Did they shoot? Did they shoot themselves or did like one bang me over and then pop? I don't think anyone's sure. I think they got shot by a soldier probably. I think they took cyanide and then shot each other. That's double one.

I don't think they shot each other. It's impossible, isn't it? They're both in Argentina selling olive oil. I'll just shoot each other. One shot, I don't know. Like when you start a film at the same time when you're not in the house, you do think two, one, why the cyanide

to die I think the bullet probably do grab a lot of that the cyanides like we're already going to die like the cyanide is easier to take because it's not instant

like a bullet is instant so the psychological thing of the instant it's hard to actually pull the trigger and the trigger becomes easier to pull if you know you're about to die a slow pain for death from Tyrant I don't think they shot themselves and what if you miss

yeah because you could go through like people shoot themselves and then it goes, misses all parts of the brain and goes to it. So you think taking cyanide makes it easier to not miss your own head? Yeah. Yeah, just take a load of these mushrooms

and then shoot yourself. Because if you miss your head, then it's like, you'll be able to think, it's like, can't believe I've fucking missed, but then at least you get a dying. Also, the warm might not have been over and then you can drink loads of water, the cyanide wash it out,

and they could have survived. And that's the antidote for cyanide, is it? I thought it was for hangovers. No water out of cyanide. And that's history with have a word. He killed his dogs as well. Did it hurt your head as well? yeah but but what we get in laura some cyanide it's a dead romantic you take that don't

worry if you don't like it we'll just drink loads of water how many people have you got to buy christmas presents for this year finn like six or seven it's quite a few yeah what about you including secretantania yeah yeah like four you buy them as all one done three are you and ellie doing presents yeah we'll do loads of presents for each other and then like i have close mates from like when we were like four that we all buy Christmas presents for each other and then I have far I'm one of five

and I have two sets of parents and grandparents so like I buy quite a lot but they're all shit I'm not a good person I'm just getting something for everyone who's coming to ours which is about 15 people does Jack mum

Jack's mum like Jack mom Does Jack's mum like Clay Pigeon Shooting? Because I'm full of ideas at the moment. I'm going to book me and Laura to do Clay Pigeon Shooting and report on it. And I'm going to take a picture of her face when she opens the card and it says Clay Pigeon Shooting for two. Please. That will be my only post on Instagram will be Laura's face going.

You've been made. It's cheap, though. How much? 142 quits. Nothing for you. I honestly think you should do that every day for a week.

Yeah. You do 10 sessions of that. Imagine how should she be at the end meet? Yeah. So when she doesn't enjoy it on the first day, they're like,

don't worry, babe. Tomorrow or one of the five days after that, there's a really click for a few days. What if she becomes an absolute gun nut? You thought about that? What I'd be into it?

Yeah, get it as well. Sexy Republican. Getting her a gun then? Yeah. It's a matter how, like, psychosis is attractive in it. Like, do you know, I was watching Homeland Season 2? You know, Roya Hamad, the, like, journalist who's actually a terrorist. Blow me up, yeah.

Don't you love Alice? You love Alice from Luther, don't you as well? Alice from Luther, yeah. But not the actress. I see her in interviews, and I'm like, take you to leave her. Yeah. Alice, the murderer, stabbed me in my sleeve, you sexy bitch. Before you come.

be as you're coming. Oh, nice. I've been trying to kiss or so. In your sleep? You're not coming in your sleep? I've never had a wet dream. Not for a while. A wet dream is when you just fully come, isn't it?

It's where you come in your pants, yeah. It's when your ball's like, I don't know what we're going to do with all this. Yeah, I've never done that. I think I was just fucking from such a young age, my balls are new. My way, this is going. Don't waste it. That's what sex at six will do, isn't it? It's going to a woman.

Year two. and that's the end of that section. If you enjoy that, then you should sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod for an extra episode and early release of the public and all of the specials.

Saturday, the 20th of December, the Havoward Arena show. We did a couple of adverts last week with Jamie Hutchinson, which I imagine a lot of you have seen by now. And a lot of people clicked the link and there was only single tickets left at the arena. That was just on Ticketmaster

that are some pairs and threes and fours together on tickerquarter.com. and if you go to have a wordpod.com, our website now links directly to tick a quarter where you can still get the final few tickets for what is going to be the biggest and best thing we've ever done. Jamie Hutchinson is guest number one. There's a couple more surprises that will be revealed, probably on the night. It's going to be absolutely spec-second. I'm so excited.

have a wordpod.com let's have a break well ladies and jents Andrew Hammondsell's here boy affectionately known as Hammo I believe oh yes well

we shorten everything in Australia so yeah it was either that or Andy and I'm not an Andy so yeah Hammow and the Hammo I call him I've got one annoying cousin who caused me Drew

and I fucking hate that but yeah Drew is Drew Sure for Andrew. Get fucked. You didn't know that. Are you all right? And so is Anne.

It's the girl version. That can't be blowing your mind. No, it is. I thought, because normally when you're short and a word, you knock the end off, don't you?

You're not to start off. I thought it was like droopy or something. So is Drew Barrymore and Drew Barrymore? I hate it when you do that. What's a show for? I don't know. I think they've given, like,

their masculine name. Like you can get girls and it works. You have to be famous. You can be just named Drew, but then there are people who are named Andrew that are shortened to Drew and I wasn't that. You rejected it. I rejected that, yeah.

And you told your cousin, you were like, I'm not into this and he was like, I don't give a fuck, I'm going to go with it for the rest of our lives. Yeah, he just, he thinks it's funny to be the only person that caused me that. Yeah, I respect that. I mean, if I call on you, Yill.

Yill. Yeah. Yill. Yill, nightingale. Hey, where's Yil? instantly bug me that's worked really well it's happening yill lad

yiel nightingale behind you at the arena yo oh he hates that come in once I know you you hate it it sticks more

mate I've been called a nonce for five years how is that more annoying than being called a nonce it is some things are just undeniable aren't oh yeah

the allegations the convictions Thank you all, mate. I'm Leigh. So welcome over to the UK and at Hammo. Yes, thank you, boys. Sorry. Drew Hammow. You're not listening.

How long you've been over? I've been here for a week. And I'm here for another week and a half. I'm like halfway through my tour. At least you get to see Bristol, though. Yeah. Lovely. What a city.

What a city. Wow. Bristol tomorrow night. Just before we started in. I fucking ain't fucking Bristol. Is it Amy? never spent Christmas in Bristol. I was surprised how easily I got into the country

because I applied for the visa and yeah, the threshold is if you've been to jail for over 12 months and like there's extra paperwork but I only did four months jail time. So it was like an instant online approval and then when I got in just there was like no... So just to be clear,

yeah, because I think we only mentioned this before we saw as well, you've been to prison. Yeah, I went to jail for magic mushrooms and acid. For doing them? Well, no, for large commercial supply. Commercial supply? Did you have a factory? What, like for Costco?

Well, my mate was growing them with like a big kind of underground basement. That'll do it. Yeah. And, but he didn't get caught. I got caught with all. So with shrooms, because over here, you can just, there's like a mushroom picking season that all the, the psychedelic kids. Can't we, mate. Is that like big, cold season?

It's like big, oh yeah, you get a coat off. And they go out into the fields. Yeah. Because a very good friend of mine, Dean Coglin, friend of the podcast, is a fan of this. He goes, allegedly, goes shroom picking. That's not illegal, is it? I think it's illegal. It comes out to get out, though.

It's not illegal to pick mushrooms. It's illegal to, like, purposefully go with him. But he could just be picking up fucking, like normal mushrooms, couldn't he? Cool. I think you should be his barrister next time he gets convicted of it. No, he's just the normal, but he was making a lovely risotto. Yeah? Yes.

Yes, mushrooms are in risotto. McCarty's put mushrooms in their risotto, and they're good. Yeah. So I've gone with strogan off me. But in my head, he's a better longer than you. Yeah. Match it. Match it mushrooms are happening around the west coast of Australia.

There are places where they do grow, but it's seasonal, right? It's not all year round. Either like sometimes it's too hot or too cold. But then even then, people may not know the way to pick them, or they may only have, they pick up only a certain amount, whereas we had them all year round that we were selling them. That's what a drug's basement will do, isn't it? What were you doing to get caught?

Why did you get caught and he wasn't? You were like how olden them when the police came in? No, my ex-fiancee dodged me in. Oh, yeah, so. Nasty bitch. She, like, she'd been on a bender on coke, and she had her psychosis, and she got picked up with, like, 30 grand in my cash

and a bunch of drugs on her. And she told them that I was a massive drug dealer, and that was a problem because I was. What a bitch? Yeah, so the house got raided and it all went downhill from there. Was she your ex at the time or was she a missus? She was my missus and then I was like, I forgave her because I was like, I know that she didn't mean to do it.

I think she didn't mean to do it. Yeah, because she was basically throwing you under the bus so she didn't get involved. No, psychosis. You can't. She can't be rushed on it. She wasn't herself at the time. Hang on, that doesn't get you off having, like, that isn't,

if you get caught with drugs and money, like, surely that doesn't get you off by, just going, ah, this is bad. But my boyfriend's a drug dealer. That's not going to get you off, is it? It probably would.

Like, if you're all caught with 30 grand and, like, just enough drugs for you and your mates and you're like, hey, you could, you know, you could send me to prison

and take me money or you can give me my money back and I'll tell you the guy who actually owns all the drugs. Yeah. I think they want the big fish, don't he's a big fish? He's a big fish.

The plea deal. But she's instant plea deal on the street. Yeah. But she was just a saltwater trout. She didn't mean to do it. No. And so, like,

She, like, stopped drinking and stopped doing drugs. I don't think she's ever touched the drug since, but she felt remorseful. But, yeah, as soon as I got locked up, I was going to say with her, but she dumped me, like, three weeks into being in jail. Was it jailed? Did you get found guilty in court? Was it? So, I was in remand, which is, like, unsentenced prison. So when you get arrested, like, I went to the court instantly, and they looked at the evidence against me, and they were like, fuck, there's so much evidence against you.

So they send you to, so they send you to prison just to kind of get the ball rolling. So. Was it a nice prison? No, it wasn't great So the first couple of weeks I was in quarantine Because I was in there during COVID And so you just stuck in a cell for like

23 and a half hours a day Yeah, but I was stuck in my house for like 23 and a half hours a day Yeah At least in prison you get PlayStation and fucking Whatever's going to want to be TV You're right You do get TV but for the first two weeks

I didn't have TV or books or anything And so you just got a shit in front of your cell mate And it was like just there was nothing to do Was that for fun I came with a game Just something. There's no books, there's no telly. Can't watch me have a shite?

That would... Let's time it. That would quickly happen. Let's race the shit. That would so quickly happen. What were you doing with your days then? You were just watching you made shit? Weird exercise.

No, I got a pen and paper and I started writing prison food reviews of all my lunches and dinners and... Come with me. At N-Gem, Walt and Nick. So, well... So I started reviewing all my food just to entertain myself to make myself laugh. And was it good food? No, it was average.

It was probably better than what you would think for jail, to be honest. But, yeah, I would sit there with my cellmate arguing about, you know, why I gave like a sandwich a six and a half out of ten. The prison gym is there and the canteen is there. Calm down, sleep. So that was, yeah. It was good that I still had a sense of humor about it, you know, so that was... So then, did you get found guilty or not?

Yeah, how long were you on remand? So I was in remand in two maximum security prisons in Sydney for four months. Maximum security as well? Yeah, so when you first get arrested, it's just a melting pot of everyone. So I was in there for large commercial drug supply, but I was in the yard with guys in there for like double murder. There was a guy in my yard who was there for driving while disqualified. And I was like, why are you in a maximum security prison? And he goes, it was my 11th time.

And so I think at a point of the judge is like, you've got to go to jail, man, just to get you off the road. So, yeah, then I, um, then I didn't realize that. I didn't realize, like if you commit enough minor crimes,

which is like, it's like files in a football game, in it? Like none of those 15 files are the yellow card, but cumulatively you get in a yellow card. So like, but what's the lowest, like,

unpaid parking tickets? How many of them do you have to have before they're like, do you know what? Yep. You remember the double murderers. So they used to be in Australia if you get done,

for unpaid fines, you would go to jail and you'd be in remand with guys who were in there for murder. But they changed that because a guy looked at some guy in the wrong way and got beaten to death. And so they just stopped. They were like, you don't have to go to jail for fines.

Yeah, you're not back in parking ticket guy in a fight with double murder, are you? Yeah. It depends if the double murder, like, Charles Bronson double parked? Oh, yeah, good point, car. Yeah, I didn't think about. What if, like, Francis and Garnie would have done

a few, like, bad parking fans? and he ends up in there with someone who hasn't got his guns anymore at Bacanaganu, personally. So would I in that situation. In a Sydney remand centre. I do got to think of these things. I've just got to think of these things.

Yeah, stupid of me not to have thought. So then what? Then you got bail to my parents' place and I was under house arrest there for like nine months. Was it a big amount? Bail, money. No, it wasn't a huge amount. And luckily I didn't even have to wear an ankle bracelet

but I did have a curfew of like 10 p.m. And so that's when I started doing stand-up comedy. And I had to bring my mum along to the open mics. Can't do the late show me. I had to, my first time I was putting my name in a bucket. I'd be like, look, they draw my name out like 30th. And I'd be like, hey, sorry to be a dick. I know you guys don't know me, but can you let me go on early

because I've got to be home for my curfew. My mum's here to check on it. I played paddle with a lad last week who had ankle tag on. And I spent the whole game trying to hit the ball of it. yeah well if it rips off you're fucked like you gotta pay a big fine and they come so for you yeah that's one way to get you fucking plate on a paddle score up get the fellow the rest of that'd be a hell of a paddle shot smashing a smashing a tag off someone and then what you got how did the courts work then from when you were at home so i was under house arrest for like nine months then i went to court

i pled guilty and because there was such a backlog of cases because of COVID they let me they allowed, if I pled guilty to the mushrooms and the acid, which was two large commercial drug supply charges for those, they let me plead down the other ones, which was for cocaine, ketamine and MDMA to personal use. And so like,

luck. So you other, it wasn't just you had a lot of different things. You were a businessman. I was a one-stop shop. Yeah. I mean, it started with the mushrooms for like over a decade, but then people would come and ask me like, oh, what else do you got? And so I kind of expanded the menu to help other people out. But

The cocaine that they caught me with was like 20 grams, which was less than what I was using for personal use anyway. Jesus. Wow. A per week a day? Yeah, I was doing like an ounce a week. How much is an ounce on?

28 grams. I don't know, but it sounds great. 28 grams a week. Yeah. Oh, fuck, I was doing two and I'm not allowed to do it anymore. In your hair dear, how many grams would you have on a nice out, on a big one? Oh.

If you're getting three for a hundred, maybe you go split that with a mate. What one and a half, Daddy? Yeah. I was never... The rookie numbers. He was a drug dealer though. Yeah.

Yeah. But he had to sell some of it. I just do it all. Do I mean? One and a half grams. I think if I'd have ordered an ounce for myself, I think even the people that were doing cocaine with me would have been like, this is going to be a weird intervention,

but we need to have it. 28 grams racked up like, so mine, that is epic amounts. Unless Australian cocaine is I don't know Does it lose something In the smuggling

I think it's definitely Less good Than stuff that you get over here But it's still good And I think But I was just a fiend Like I was just an addict to it That was the thing

That was the thing that fucked me Was having it in the house. I'm like that way Oreos dipped in my chocolate If they're in the house It's getting fucking pesley Monster months For me

If I open a bag The bag's gone They do 28 grams each At a time They're off the fucking It's very expensive Cocaine in Australian, isn't it? Yeah, man.

Like, it has to be like... Yeah, because he's fucking hoovering it all. That's why. So when you went to... Did you just stop... When you come off, did you stop all the drugs? Yeah, it was like rehab for me going to jail. It got me off drugs.

So, like, now I can... I used to be unable to have, like, a couple of points before I had to have a pot of bag, but now I can do that easy. So, yeah, it's a couple of points and a food review. Things have changed. Sick?

So, yeah, it changed. Like, it just reset my brain. I'm terrified of going to jail me. Job doing something by accident. What, dealing drugs for 15 years? No, that's not by accident. Like, in your car, you do something and you go to jail? You don't mean?

Like, you run someone over or something? My accent. In my head, I think UK jails are definitely more hectic than Australian jails. Like, I got treated great. I thought it was funny that I was in there for mushrooms. So, you know, for me... Did you know any matters? I did know.

Yeah, a few. There was one guy that I was pretty close to that lied to me about what he was in there for. he said that he like bashed a guy that like touched his kid and killed him and when I got out I like Googled like some of the people that I'd been locked up with and it turned out he had just bashed his girlfriend to death yeah with the baseball bat and so I was oh fuck yeah but to be fair to him

you probably wouldn't have been mate to him if he'd said that so you know well he wouldn't have been yeah you're right he wanted a friend she might have touched this kid and there's a male loneliness pandemic and at the end of the day you know we have to be talking about this You're right. Some men stove their wives, and yeah, they're going to lie about that.

But it's worth the lie to end male loneliness. What do you want them to be? Lonely. You're right. In yards, in Australia, we call it, like, the bone yard, which is like protection wings, which would be like police informants, pedophiles, rapists.

Not dad. But then for murderers. So they're just doing mum jokes. You just got to sort of let them. Oh, way! Adams' mum's there, by the way. I've seen him talk a bit up on stage, I don't know. So there's gangs in the yard.

There's like... Well, there's a protection wing. They're not going to get over this for a while. We need to let this breathe. You know, Ed. You walked into that one. Game, respect, game, you know what I mean? Oh, absolutely, yes. We both scored that, actually. It's fine.

I'm fascinated with a person. to not go but like I'd love to like Ross Kempett and live there for a week just did you never feel like dealing drugs in prison there's money there as well isn't it just go to Australia and leave your car on and send for a bit they're not

they're not they're selling in jail they're no good they're shite yeah obviously you you it was like ice or meth or there's one that's like a heroin substitute methadone called suboxone

Or buprenorphine Methadone they give to you And so like guys will be Taken to the clinic to have methadone Then they'll come back to the prison wing And guys will It's called spewies right Where they like make them throw up

To spew up the methadone So they'll eat the spew Oh no Damn So Why do you do that? Yeah that's how they may have methadone Was spice a big thing?

Spice? Yeah I don't know what that is Oh really? No Spice is the biggest like drug issue in the state and the UK. Oh, Hicti, what is that?

Sorry. Spice is the biggest drug issue in America. In prisons, in this country, Spice is... I thought Spice was just like a Manchester thing. I thought it was like just Piccadilly Gardens, all the smacker, drown it? No, Spice is such a huge pandemic in Mogg's prisons in the West.

Oh, really? Yeah. I just thought it was Piccadilly Gardens and I thought America was... Opioids? They call it certain difference, but like the slang for it in the UK. Do you know what kind of drug it is? It's like catamom with paprika.

It's like a synthetic heroin, isn't it? Yeah, okay, well, that may be the same drug we're talking about. Yeah, so, like, that one comes in strips and, like, guys, used to be able to, like, mail in it in the middle of books and stuff like that. Yeah. And so, like, it's very easy to smuggle in. He's getting through some reading that smacker, isn't he? He fucking sells like a library.

I do this thing. It's fucking. fake weed. Is it? It's not a synthetic. Like sprained. But it has the same effect of like, like they're out, aren't they?

It's one that just takes it out like you're not, you're not loose it at all, you're gone. Yeah, okay. Well, that's, yeah, not happening in Australian jails that I knew of. It's nice. Spice at the bathroom. Keep your eyes peel.

Don't start selling it. Well, give you ideas. Why end up in a UK jail? I might check it out. What was, what was the best bit about being in prison? Give me like a positive. Like sell prison to someone who fancy's going.

I fucking cost of a decade. There's actually some guys who be in the yard that would say to me, you know, it's good for them to go to jail every few years, just for a little while just to get away from the wife and kids. Like a little monk, Eve. There were career criminals

and we're like, it's just a good sharpener, do you know, just to go in there just to like remember that I can get caught. Well, yeah, it's also, like a holiday with the boys in it, if all your mates are in there, it's just like a big Airbnb. Yeah. Yeah. So a lot of guys do get along with each other until, you know, I guess

shit happens, until beefs happen, but usually it's like if you run up, like running up drug debts or if you've got like gang rivalries, that kind of stuff. But like for me, I just try to today out of trouble and it was fine. When you say like people go into when they've run up like a drug

debt, does that like wipe it clean? Is that like declaring bankruptcy? You go to The prison, the deal is like, he's done his time. Is that how it works? Because during COVID, there was such a spike in, the prisons were shut, so you couldn't even have visitors. So, like, the supply of drugs into jail is, like, halved or quartered.

So, like, the price of buprenorphine, all these other drugs went through the roof. So guys would be, like, doing all kinds of crazy shit just to feed their drug addictions in jail. Or otherwise, it's just guys playing poker. And you'd use, like, your food, your buy-up food as currency. so like a can of tuna is worth like five bucks in there it's like a poker chip 11 raspberries

and a fucking lion bar for a pair of aces 11 rasmoled did you join a gang no no it was weird because like I thought that was like prison 101 though you join a gang week once

you've got protection because the tattoo do you have your tattoos in prison I already had those yeah I didn't get any in jail but my cellmate was a New Zealand a guy Kiwi guy and so when we first arrived

out of like quarantine into a cell he had like all these islander guys that came and gave him like free food and said you're one of us and I look after you the white boys don't do that the white boys are not looking at each other in any kind of way

so I heard about this recently apparently like if you go to a British prison like that's why a lot of people convert to Islam because like they've got each other they've got each other's back that's why all these Jinjian Muslims are everywhere now because they're going to prison

converting to Islam and then they're like You are right? Yeah, I know, I know. Because they're so protect and there's some of the hard fellas. What's madden? No, he's right, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If your Jack goes to prison, there's right, to God. In Shalab, brother, he's coming out. I'll take the odds on whose Jack is going to prison first. I... But I'm looking forward to seeing Brother Jack

when he comes out. Salam alaikum, brother. Welcome home. What would you do if you went in to visit? He's like, I'm a Muslim now, Dan. You know, the boys have got me. Yeah. No other gangs you could have.

The chess club, is there? Any French gangs? Straight to Islam. But the Islamic gangs in prison, apparently, they all have, like, a one, you know, really unifying thing. They're more united than, like, me and you would be. Me and you are mates, but, like, me and you, like, five years ago. I still think that there's like

the ginger ones or like white guys that join Islam I think are less respected they're like, okay, we'll be a bit nicer to you because you're doing, but like we still don't really respect you, I think. Yeah, totally. Yeah. There's always going to be. Yeah. Until you prove yourself. How'd you do that? You just have to become a ginger fundamentalist.

I don't know how you do it. I think you have to go pretty ham on the Islam. Don, have you got like 50 years in jail? Yeah. You're like, vehicular manslaughter. Yeah, I think the Muslims will be over-subscribed. I'm finding the Hindus. Would you go for the gang?

Yeah, I think the Hispanics. Don't think they'd have you. What? Don't think they'd have you. If you went to prison in like, you know, rural Cheshire. Good. Garden Park. That's good.

I wanted to be in a city centre, Cheshire prison. But I'll go rural. Nice scenery. And I'm starting to think there might not be as many Hispanics in rural Cheshire prison. Prision. But you've got the beard and the tattoo

to be like the Aryan brothers for the ass tattoo you've got. Nice. And the skinhead. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The arse tattoo for what?

Well, the Aryans have tattoos, don't he let's all the... And he's got the pig on his ass. Yeah. So he'd be like, I get tattoos as well. The pig on my ass is probably going to stop me getting in the Islam group. That's a shame.

You've got that. Okay. Did you start that bit? Yeah. And then I was like, he's got it. I'd be straight in a gang, me. I think we're only there for that long, so obviously you wouldn't do that.

I think we might have watched too many American films. No, I honestly think the films are based in reality. I'd be joining the blacks, me, personally. I'd don't think you'd up yet. What would you offer them? I'd be there at Eminem. I'll split a few verses, you know what I mean? I think they'd see you in the shower and be like, you're not one of us, you know?

I do sing in the shower, so... No, I think you meant to... I've got a few, like, stand-up shows now in prisons, in Australia. I'd love to do that in the UK. We had the idea to do that and didn't really get off the ground. Apparently, like, they didn't really trust us to the way. Yeah. Is that what it was?

No, we couldn't think of getting an idea off the ground that made sense doing it. We got off at the prison. So where have you, so how long? You were in prison for how long? Or told, four months in remand. Yeah. And I was under house arrest for eight months and I got sentenced to something they have an Australia court a corrections order, which meant I essentially did a prison sentence in the

community, which just meant I just had to do community service. and I had travel restrictions for two and a half years. And so they can make it stricter depending on your crimes and your risk profile. I think that's just called community, it's just called community service,

yeah. It's just like, oh. Yeah, suspended sentence. You ran over a few women. It is what it is, going to sort that graffiti out. You run over a few women. A litter pick. Pick the women up. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Let it be. Is anything off limits when you go and do those gigs in prisons? Like, are they going, you're not allowed to talk about this? The first time I did one, no, but then they gave me some feedback that there were some jokes that they wish I hadn't said. You left the fucking door at open hammer. Can you joke about the guards?

Like, hey, he's a not bad, then he? Well, I tried, I did that. And then a lot of the guards, screws would come up to me and, like, do jokes about, oh, you know, make sure you get out of here before we do muster. you might actually get stuck in here with us and shit like that. But yeah, they were fine. I went on stage after they had the head of security come out. It was 100 inmates in maximum security.

They had 50 prison guards, like standing around the jail just in case there was a ride or anything. And then they had the head of security came out and goes, all right, boys, this is the kind of stuff you get when you don't fuck around. Oh, shit. All right, here's the comedy. And that was how I got brought on.

Nice. You've got a nail, lots of it still feels like a cheat. If you're a bomb in that situation. Did they come to you to say, oh, listen, you've spent time in the Remand Centre. Would you want to do comedy? Or did you suggest this to the prisons? Most of the corporate gigs I do at the moment

are like ones with the Australian government. And so I'd done a few with like various corrective services groups. And so I'd suggested to them I'd really like to do a show in a prison. And so one of the guys just made a phone call and made it happen. But my dream is to one day film me doing an hour in jail. Yeah. But I was like, by first time doing it. So we're just there doing it as a proof of concept

to see if it worked. And yeah, it was pretty rough. Like, any of the jokes that were like too crime or drug related, I think they didn't want to laugh because I didn't want to like self-incriminate. You know? So, like, because they've got like 50 prison guards surrounding them. Like the first thing I said when I got out there,

I'm like, hey, boys, what about these fucking screws, eh? Get a real job. And it, like, just was dead silence because, like, none of them. Yeah, I'll just say, I go, and I don't find that funny, me. I don't like that. I like you. My stuff, me daddy back in the morning.

Yeah, because they didn't want to get targeted, get their cells tossed or whatever. So then when I started talking about, like, me getting arrested and the cops telling me I had a tiny cock or talking about, you know, cocaine getting blown up my ass. They all loved all that kind of shit. Did the cops actually tell you how the tiny cough? Yeah. That feels unnecessary. Why do you have your cock out? No, I had pants on.

Oh, did they know? Well, that's, well, it was one of the first jokes I overwrote. It was like, that's how I knew they must have had me under surveillance, you know? Because, yeah, they got, they came with, like, the organised cross. crime squad in Sydney, which is called the Raptor Squad. And I started smashing through my front door. And I think these guys are so used to like raiding the houses of like actual like organized crime figures with guns and shit like that.

So they must be so amped up. And so when they found me hiding behind my bedroom door, you know, trying to be invisible. I've been on coke for three days. I hadn't slept. I was not having some great ideas at the time. And so when they caught me, the guys like got his balaclava on and shield and everything, He just threw me to the ground and pinned me down and he goes, stay down, you fat, cunt.

You got a tiny cock. It's so unnecessary. It's not enough to just smash your door down and arrest you. Yeah. What time of day was this? Three in the afternoon. Three in the afternoon or price.

Three in the afternoon, rain. I thought they did this at like 5 a.m. Were you like, why have you said that? Why have you, why? Three in the afternoon. Really, really, personal. I just feel like, hey, stay there, you're fucking loser. You've never reconnected, but your dad's...

Hang on, did you ask him why he said that? No, because once they, the cops that raid the house, like the rapper squad finished, like, apprehending the criminal, then they leave, and, like, the detectives come in to, like, then tear the house apart. And so then they had, like, a one cop who was there as, like, a welfare officer to check that I was, like, being looked after, and that they were raiding the house. in a legal way, and he said to me, let me know if anything under water's

happened. And I said, one of the cops was quite rude to me. And he was like, would you like to make a formal complaint? And I was like, no, what am I going to do? Why was he so angry? Why was he so angry? Because he's expecting, like... But he's always got on the floor? He's expecting Scarface.

He'd been drug dealing for 15 years and he had fucking 100 grand way of a drug's on him. I don't think he was expected a comedian. They caught the bad guy, you know? So in their head they're like, I've got him down, you know, so they're all mouthing off at him. But, yeah, it was nasty. Stay there, you fucking gimp your shit at FIFA.

I mean, I'll be a game before we go. Come on. I've done the same thing to people on a rugby field, you know. So it's like, I don't blame them. Having a quick mouth off when someone's. Was there anyone else in? Was it just you in? It was just me at home, yeah.

Good. That's a, that's a real pisser for your house, mate. It was a rough, well, it was just me and my fiancé living together, you know? Well, she knew what was happening? She told him, didn't she? Are you still in touch with her there? Maybe she told her busy, tell him, I saw her little dick. I've never really thought about that car.

It's a hell of a plea deal, she struck. Right, I don't want any charges on me. He's going away. I'm passing a small cop. Amazing. So you're doing a run of gigs over here. Yeah. This is the first time you've been over here?

First time for comedy. I've been here like eight years ago, but it's my first time coming over for stand-up now that I'm allowed out of Australia. And it's been cool, man. I've only been doing stand-up now for like three and a half years, but, you know, it helped me change my life. Is there any other show that you're doing about this stuff?

Have you got a lot of stuff on it? The show is called Jokes About the Time I Went to Prison. Yes. Harry, can we... Next time, can we get along the research? Can you imagine if I was never mentioning it? Cheers, Harry. That's mainly on me, slightly on you.

Yeah, it'd be crazy if I wasn't mentioning it. Do you miss it, drug dealing? Sometimes, I always say to myself, if comedy doesn't work out, I'm going to go back to it because I still have, like, all the numbers in my phone. Like, I still get messages from people that are like, hey man, just want to let you know, we really miss you, like, in the drug game since, like, you left

because it's hard for them to find good gear. So that, like, kind of makes me sadly. Yeah, because when you like a drug dealer, the nice ones, you feel affection for them. I think I stood out because I had exceptional customer service and looked after everyone. And so, you know, that's like... What's the difference between standard

and exceptional customer service when it comes to drug you? If anyone bought gear off me and they weren't happy with it, I'd refund them. They could come back and refund it. You had a money-back guarantee. Is that true? Yeah. So, well, for how much they hadn't consumed.

So if they bought 10 pills off me and they ate four and they didn't like them, I'd buy the six back off them because I could just have someone else. And, um... Hammo, can you get back into dealing and be my dealer? That sounds fucking great. So I had that.

had a responsible service model if people thought that they were having too much cocaine, it was affecting their personal life or their professional life, then they could ask to be on the band list, and then when they messaged me, I wouldn't serve themselves to them. Wow, why don't, that's mad in it? Yeah, there are some dealers that do that. Yeah. I think the drug game needs you, brother, you know.

Surely you better if you're all like that. I've said it before, but sometimes the cops don't realize, like, the impact on the community when they arrest one of the good drug dealers. It hurts everyone. So, it should be, though. All these drug dealers are just fucking greedy, aren't it? You need the conscientious drug dealer. It's like they're just in it for the money.

But there's, my point is, because, like, sometimes people would buy Coke, and it's, like, not Coke at all. I'm like, okay, you rip that one person off once. They're not going to buy a few again. But you sell them real Coke. There's still such good margins. They'll come to you all the time. Like, what are you doing?

So. It's like that teacher man to fish thing, isn't it? Go on. Go on. Go for it. Sell a man a bag of crap. He'll do coke for the day. Yeah. Sell a man a bag of coke. He'll do coke for the rest of his life.

Just give two pounds a month. It's not going to be enough for good coke. With all the riches that come, what did you buy? Were you like a car guy or a watch guy or what? I was dumb cut. I spent like 40 grand on Air Jordans. I bought in a strait. they have like an electronic store called J.B. Hi-Fi

where they sold an 8K resolution TV for $5,000. And I remember going in there and I said to the guy that worked there, what can you watch in 8K resolution? Nothing. And he goes, nothing. And I was like, fantastic, I'll buy it. That's amazing.

So the only thing you watch on it is promo videos. So, you know, like when you're in like the electronic store and they show you like the potential of the TV? It's the only thing you can watch on it. So I'd be at home high off my guts on Coke with my mates just watching like some cinematic thing in 8K from Peru, you know, just the promo videos of that. And it was amazing.

So, yeah, that was the kind of stupid things I was throwing money out. Or just like buying, I just go to restaurants and just spend it on, pretending I knew about French Burgundy or something. Did you do reviews there or just in prison? I did throw a lot of money into, I am my own pizza shop. That's cool. Sick. A pizza shop that was dog friendly.

And so, like, we had, like, dog pizzas on the menu. And so like all the gays Did you lose just for the dogs Or pizzas with dogs on? Just to clear that up We had these Nutritionally approved pizzas for dogs It was like a small tortilla

And because they can't have tomato There's too much salt in a tomato base We had like a sweet potato mash As like the base And so we had these three different dog pizzas and like all the gays of Kings Cross where the restaurant was they have like dogs instead of kids so they come and buy their dogs

instead of kids yeah and yeah so we also had them on Uber Eats and one time a guy accidentally bought and ate the dog pizza himself and then gave us a three and a half star review and I was like that's not bad that you know for dogs food so that's why we had to write

dog pizzas designed for dogs not humans on the actual thing on Uber the community literally lost a good person when you went to jailing because you sound like you're doing good shit Thank you, brother. That's how I feel. Is that a pizza place still, do you still own here?

No, I went under when I was looked up. Because, like, it was during COVID. It was stupid. It was a money trap. Like, I think to own a successful restaurant, I think you'd have to be in drugs because, like, it's got a run at a loss for years, I think, before it, like, probably makes money, I think.

Yeah. If you had to estimate how much money you made as profit across your 15-year career, if you have to just take, you know, an alleged stabbing the dark. So I think by the end, for the first 10 years, it wasn't that much.

It was like enough to pay rent and go out on dates and whatever. But by the end, the last few years, I was making like 30, 40 grand a week. And so, and then around Christmas time, it was probably like 80 to 100 grand a week. People get more on it at Christmas, yeah. Yeah. More parties, for sure.

Let it snow. Yeah, once it hits like November, it's crazy. Did you have, did you close for Christmas? No. No, we're open every day of the week. What do you mean? Oh, my God. 100 grand a week.

But the busiest day of the whole year is the gay and lesbian Mardi Gras, which is in, like, what is it? In March. I only go to the straight Mardi Grasme. Because. What is that? Because. Well, just go on the march. Yeah.

The gays are the best customers in the world because they have so much money and they like to party. The worst customers ever would just straight white. English men because they'd come over and they used to like cheap bags and they'd try and haggle for like one bag of cocaine

and you're like no dude you don't haggle with a drug dealer surely do you have a haggle with your drug dealer no I was so polite I was constantly scared

of like I was just like whatever you charge and then I'll bitch about it afterwards if it was rubbish well maybe I'm too friendly because yeah I'd have English dudes would come over in Sydney

and try and haggle with me for one bag of coke and I was like no I'm selling enough did you ever have to act tough or were you just just like a regular guy who just made that on the side.

So the model was that everyone, I didn't just have my number on a bathroom wall. It was like everyone had to be vouchful, right? So if you wanted your friend, it had to be someone who I already, like, dealt with. They had to ask permission to give you a number on. Yeah, exactly. And so that kept the network small,

but then it meant that I just really didn't have many issues. So watching... The network small. And that small network was buying 100,000 pounds a week. So what doubled it from the... early days of the 40K weeks or 100, did you just like extend? Sorry, said again? You said you were making for the first 10 years like a reasonable amount and then you went big time.

Yeah, because like a lot of the, for those first few years, people didn't really know about magic mushrooms as a drug, right? It was kind of like still very niche. And so just a long time of people hearing that I had them. I came up with the idea of us having, like, I'm sure this has been invented over here as well, but at the time it wasn't a thing in Sydney of us having mushrooms in capsules. So they were like one gram capsules that we like made ourselves

And so that really helped us stand out So that helped me to always trace Like I'd be at a party and someone's saying Oh I've got mushroom caps And I could always trace it all the way back to me Every single time But yeah I was doing that And then that got bigger and bigger

And then I guess when I started selling All the other drugs as well That just all kind of accelerated things Because like yeah Coke You make so much money from it And then the police just took it all off you? Took it all off me All the drugs

And I think I only had like 20, 30 grand in cash at the house. But I had a second house that was like a stash house that I usually had a lot of stuff at. But sometimes I'd have too much cocaine and be lazy and couldn't be bothered. So at that day they raided the house. I had like too much of the house. So when you're out and you're off you, you start stand up, what job did you do to get back into civilian life to pay for doing your first stand-up gigs. Because you've gone from like 40 to 80 grand a week and then all of a sudden you're a new comic trying to get to gigs. Yeah. That must have been a hell of a climb down. Or were you, were you glad of it? To be honest, I was never doing anything clever with

the money anyway. So it wasn't like that big a change. Instead of just buying a $2,000 dollar bottle of wine, I buy a $20 bottle. So, you know, it was like not that big a difference. But also So I got a job pretty much right away in event management because my mate hooked me up and they didn't give a shit about my criminal record. Nice. And so, yeah, I guess that's just... Well, I suppose if anything,

like if they want an event manager, a guy who can get good gears, probably like, way of having on the team, like that criminal record probably, they were like, he's been prison, does drugs. Yeah, but my background before that had been, while I was dealing, I was also working in public relations

for like over a decade. So like I used to help companies to get into the media or when they fucked up like to stay out of the press so like crisis management and so I guess, yeah. When your crisis manager goes to prison

for 15 years of deal and that's probably. Well, I guess that was part of the skill as I was able to spin this in a way which worked out for me, you know? So yeah, I had that as a day job and then I was, I'm still living with my parents right now and so that was like helping with rent

costs and me trying to get stand up off the ground the real tragedy of all of this is there's probably like 10 or 20 dogs in sydney that once a week they used to get a little pizza treat yeah and they just don't know why that's stopped and that gate fella there's been a half it in me solid that yeah that's seven out of ten by the way just like dog food seven out of seven we had the dog pizzas and we had bone broth that we called puppy vino and so people would come there with their dogs for their birthdays all the time but it's like such a thing i think it's in the ukai now as well like um like puppachinos yeah yeah it's crazy even like dog birthday cakes these days yeah mental fascinating mate well good luck with the gigs thank you brother and um we'll take a break and then

we'll come back with some correspondence and we are back how Have you got any executive orders for us? If you were put in charge of all the world, what would you push through as your first executive order? Well, one is a personal grievance from the last time I was in the UK. I went to a bar and it was a security at the front. And as I was walking in, he, like, put his finger straight into my little pocket in my jeans and, like, pulled out cocaine.

And so then I was, like, rejected from the bar. Yeah, that'll do it, yeah. That shouldn't be allowed. Like Nazi jam, anyway. Is he allowed to touch you? It felt like a violation. I didn't know that you... What, a bouncer, is a bouncer allowed to touch it?

Is that to put his fingers in your pockets? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that should be allowed. That's, we're ruling that out. Well, you just hid your drugs in a shit place. That's the international drugs pocket.

Well, yeah. They won't finger your arseoll if you get it right up there. I did fly from Sydney to Perth with about eight grams of cocaine on my ass one time. That's true. And at the airports in Australia, they're too worried about, like, fresh produce. Fruit. Sniffer dogs. are there to detect fruit and vegetables

rather than cocaine. So that was fine. They are obsessed with it. I love watching that show. What is that show called? Water security? Yeah. Oh, so the Australian one's class. If you fly to Australia with pineapples up your ass. You get in more trouble than if you've got like loads of cocaine. Yeah. But you come harder. My favorite clip from that show is,

I think it's a fella from China. And he doesn't really speak like fluent English. And he's got like meat. and stuff, I think, in his bag. And they're like, is there anything else in here? Like, like, and he's like, I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're looking for. And they're like, you know, we have to check that you're not bringing stuff in.

And like, you know, it could also be like cocaine, heroin. Because they're so like international, even though he doesn't speak English, you know, and he goes, I can't actually do what he does. He does a racist impression of a Chinese man getting caught at the airport. You do it in your head. There it is. So what's the issue? with like a lemon coming in?

I don't think it's lemons. I think, well, it's like animals is probably a bigger issue. Yeah, if you smoke on animals, I'd be asked. Animals and plants carry bacteria, diseases, termites, like insects, yeah. Insects, yeah. Insects, yeah. Ecosis. Yeah.

So. When I was locked up, I had much more fun watching border security because you want to see other guys getting arrested rather than like Bondi rescue. or something when people were free on the beach was depressing. Did you ever see anyone that was then in the next cell to you or anything? Yeah, there were sometimes

there were big news stories of a guy getting arrested and then they'd be in the yard the next day. That's, this fucking Chinese meat guy! So you want your executive order to be you should be allowed to take cocaine into bars because you're not, I'm all for it, but I just feel like it's a bit...

Did you used to smuggle coke up your ass? No, no, my anus is never been used as a smuggling hole. Have you ever snorted coke at being up one of your mates asses? Where would we have put it up our ass? We were going past, to get, no. Like into a festival or something. Oh, to win a festival. No, you just, you just use women's tits.

Or four? You just, yeah, I know what you're snorting them off. How are you getting it in under the tits? Okay. Yeah. A little, little tits. Oh, that's why I hung out with the big girls. Great mules.

Let me ask you this. When I was at Melbourne Comedy Festival this year, there was a big UK comic that I'm a fan of that was at the urine. Oh, he was at the bathroom with me and he went into the cubicle. I was at the urinal and he goes, Hammo.

And so I was like, oh, great, he's offering me cocaine. I don't really do drugs that much anymore, but he was offering me and I was a fan of it. So I went in there in the cubicle, he locked a door, and then he goes, so have you got any cocaine? And I was like, well, hold on. You've tapped your nose at me. It's like that you're the one inviting me in.

And so what I realized was just two straight dudes in a cubicle with no drugs. And then you've got a kiss. So we just started laughing our ass off. But yeah, I think if you're the one that taps on your nose at someone else, you're inviting them, right? Yeah. Yeah, if I go to you in a park, hey, I don't go off one then. All that.

Where's your heart? place for your drugs then? If you were going into a club or the bird of a pub. Sure, that's a risky place. Or under the boob? Yeah, because if you're a fucking dormant and you know that, you'd be like, oh, there's a girl coming in with big titsy

and make sure you're clean out the fucking guinea pigs, yeah. Where was yours, like, under your bollocks? Yeah, I've done that a couple of times, yeah. I mean, bansers will try. They're trying to look like they're doing their job. Yeah. If you hammer out and you put it in the little, is it a condom pocket what it's a cocaine pocket it's basically a cocaine pocket that is such an easy

thing if you're jamming it under a breast in a bra they're not doing deep searches to get in a nightclub that where they know everyone's on drugs but if you yeah and you're like but in your in australia they don't touch you like that they'd go they'd go they'd wait till you go to the bathroom and then they'd be monitoring to see if you're like in the cubicle with multiple guys of like you know they can hear sniffing but like they're not going to check your coat pocket so they never just they never check on the way in no yeah we yeah we had a bit You haven't got four skin either because you could put it in there.

I don't think I've ever been checked going into a bar. I think bars are a bit rough, isn't it? Nightclubs, we, like, if you were going into a club that, but again, it was just as soon as it was in a bra, they were never honking tits to get the coke. You just don't get searched, really, do you? Going into places? Like, maybe a nightclub, yeah?

But, like, it's normally a path down. They're not going to fail. No. That's why it would be one of my executive orders that we don't want any of that happening. but also he's just not over one bag of

but also I would have to say legalised mushrooms would have to be one yeah I mean cause the point like if it comes from the ground and you can munch it

yeah why is that why is that it's a class A over it I can be pulling it up when you're like spraying it

and selling it and like putting through all mad chemical systems yeah but if it comes out the ground yeah like why why is it not allowed

well it will be under his government Yes. Vote for Hummel. Another one, which is a pet peeve of mine, is at busy bars when, like, they're people, the bartenders are making cocktails, there should be an express line for buying beers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep, yeah. You're talking to two bottle bar for, like, glasses of wine and beers, bum, easy. Yeah, should be a thing. Because, yeah, it's fucked when you get stuck behind. That used to be a thing, I haven't been to a club for ages, but that used to be a thing, didn't it? I've worked on places with bottle bars.

A bottle bar was, like, an easy. It's just an easy game served. The church where me and Finn occasionally go for a drink before the lift pool games. As you go in, there's a bottle bar and then there's the main bar. The first thing you see is actually a bottle bar

and there's a little chicken curry stand as well. Yeah, it makes, it's just a no-brainer a well-oiled machine in a bar. What's Sydney like for Nightlife? In my head, Sydney's a massive sprawling city. Is it good? It's fucked. No, it died in the ass.

Like, they changed our laws in Australia after two, a couple of guys got punched in the back of the head and they died on the streets in the King's Cross and so after that two guys.

Yeah, like a couple of young guys died of like, they used to be called King Hits but they changed the wording in Australia to coward punches, right? So you no longer use the word king hit in Australia. But these two guys, yeah, got killed from just getting hit once

and after that they changed the lockout laws where like you couldn't get into any bar in Sydney after 1,8. And then all the bars would have to stop serving alcohol by three. And so like there was some famous story where like even Justin Timberlake couldn't get into his own after party at a bar in Sydney because it was past the curfew. So that kind of like killed our nightlife a lot. So people were like, because we had a thing called happy slapping in the UK where people were getting slapped and people would record it. It was awful.

That was like a trend where you just punch people on the back of the head. It wasn't a trend. It was just like drunk, aggressive guys that would just go out looking for a fight. But then they would punch someone in the back of the head. Mental. Yeah. So that crazily fucked our whole nightlife. Happy slapping was in school, by the way.

Just, just so you know where Carl's there. It was Year 7s. Filming their mates slapping another kid for no reason. No one died. Liverpool City Council didn't go, right, we're shutting this city down. Too many happy slaps. Let's get him, no. Good for comedy in Sydney?

Good for stand-up? Well, I thought it was good until you come here. And then, like, there's just comedy clubs on open seven days a week. that are full of people and you're like fuck it's amazing yeah and then also a million independent comedy nights yeah in every little corner of every little region which which are the lifeblood of the circuit really the main comedy clubs are amazing yeah they're the best you can get but if i look at my diary there's so many brilliant independent nights that sort of flush that out so many comics coming through we've got like two clubs and they're like half full sometimes so it's yeah hard

I find, yeah, just me touring my own show around Australia is the only way to just keep having crowds. I think there's more tickets being sold for comedy in the UK now than there has ever been sold. Absolutely. Not a doubt about it, yeah. The comedy clubs mainly seem to be doing as well. There's a few, I hear stories

where a couple of them aren't as strong here and there. The social media, do they think? But there are more touring comics at nearly every level. like all of the famous comics that used to tour that band is still there doesn't feel like there's less of them there's then there's a few superstars

and then you've got guys like you coming over who 15, 20 years ago that market just didn't exist because you've got your YouTube show with Abby Boom and like that's flying that the internet has just opened up not just for British comics

selling tickets over here but for every market like well think about it this way right so these are just people who've been on have a word and I'm not in any way saying it's because of this what I'm saying is think about I'll just go through our like recent guests

and think about how many of these comics tour now that didn't tour five years ago like pre-COVID. Count me as one of them so there's me as well like properly touring now you Vittorio and Mark Nelson Sandro Ford can sell tickets

Freddie. Freddy E. Shan. Rob Mulholland. Calam Oakley's just announced a tour. Danny McLaughlin's just on a little tour. Mike Rice. Toran. Thomas Green, massive one.

Kyla, Cobbler. Jarleth Regan. Josh Jones, Toran. Mark Jennings, Toran. Ian Sterling, obviously, is massive because of Love Island primarily. And then you've also got the American

podcasts and the American, like, superstar comics coming over and doing arenas. Like, bad friends have just been over. I genuinely don't think comedy has ever produced the kind of box office that it's producing. It's fucking great, because it's coming from every corner of the world and every level. It's amazing. I did my show in Southampton on Saturday, and it was a guy from Slovenia who flew from Munich to Southampton to come to my show.

I'm like, what the fuck's going on? So funny that you're doing Southampton. I've never done show something on top. Would you leave? Would you leave? Yeah, we have toyed around with the idea of us as the YouTube channel coming over here next year for a while. But at the moment, like, I'm kind of tied to wherever we are as a group. Yeah.

Because it's just blowing up so much. How often are you, like, filming? How often you're recorded? Like, like, twice or three times a month. We'll rent a studio and just, like, shoot out to, like, two or three pieces. But now we're, like, getting into a point where we want to, like, do bigger, bigger ideas. is outside of a studio that are going to take a lot longer. So, yeah.

Yeah, it's still, I mean, we launched a channel a year ago, and it's like already got like 1.5 million subscribers, so we're like, we don't know what this thing is yet. Holy shit. Big. This is the OG crew. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's like, just. Well, we've just got 100,000. And that happened in five years. No time. Shall we do some executive orders from the listeners? Connor Marshall says executive order every single item in a supermarket unless it is in the reduced section

must have at least five days before it goes out of date best before date cannot be the day after you fucking buy it like it depends on the product isn't it there though yeah right fruit goes off pretty quickly unless it's been sprayed with shit it's gonna go off pretty quick isn't it yeah but also I just think just don't buy that one

just reach to the back of the fridge oh yeah I've reached I'm a date checker like yeah They don't all have a date on anymore, do they? What? They don't have dates on. On what?

To encourage people to keep them for longer and just do it by like smells. What doesn't have dates on us? Like I bought some grapes through the day and they didn't have a date on them. Okay, but like meat or eggs or something like that you'd respect to date, right? Like milk and stuff I'm looking for like, obviously

I'll have a little search round to get the best date. Yeah, if you go for bread, you always reach to the back to get the fresher one. If you're not doing that, you're a lunatic and there's people like, oh, you're all my problem, that, shut up. I want nice bread. who is that just some fucking

so you should buy the first bit of bread my dad's a baker you don't know how much bread goes in the sea every year and lends up of a turtle's ass my dad's my dad's John Warburton you don't know how much bread goes in the sea I think of the ducks the ducks are flying

I love that sea ducks no I mean like waste I don't mean feeding the ducks I mean all this bread it's probably to sea what? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It doesn't really happen, does it?

It's all those people fucking commenting who are all got something to say, oh, yeah, fucking reach to the back for the bread too, yeah, well, we'll be fucking Nazi Germany next. Just shut up.

Fucking troll, gimp, cunt. We have a lot of bread-based comments. Yeah. Natty Jamie famous of fill in the seas with bread. Oh, I went into Tesco a couple of weeks ago and the milk was there and only had two days on it, but like you, if we have people like you,

would have four, go to a different fucking shop. Yeah, you. You know who you are. You know who they're not there, you know, they are there. Just people who are full of shit. Oh, Adam's too good.

Does that sour milk? He's lost it. Too much of a mould on your brain. Billy says, Executive Order, if you get off a bus and can beat it to the next stop, you get a month-free bus journeys on that route. I'm 27 now.

but in the past when I've missed the bus I've sprinted to the next stop and beat it there just think if I'm faster than the bus it's a skill issue and a reaver can get in the bin he's got some problems this bit Billy why are you racing buses kid

is this Billy the Puff has he's got all the things to be doing it's Billy that's him Billy can I just ask you a fair for me just can we just never meet do you just shit on everyone that rides in for this segment isn't it what you're saying? I raced the bus once and I won

So do we even really need buses Why are you even getting the bus if you're fasted on it? Just fucking run Don't do it if you're taking your kid on the bus Just the little little things Katie Beavers says Beavours! Executive Order That's what she said

Jason DeRuleau She asked me to shout Beavers Every time Katie Beavis has been mentioned on this podcast I've gone Beavis! She's the goal? She's an OG. She is. Executive Order.

any person who is cruel to animals should not only be banned for life from keeping any pets they should also have to fight an animal in their weight class so a big fat dickhead who hits cats should have to fight a polar bear a skinny chav rat who kicks their dog

should fight a rabid badger see how they fucking like it I'd just love to know what adult man that Katie Beavers thinks is the same weight as a polar bear Rob Thomas Rodney more, mate.

Sorry, Rob Thomas six months ago. He's on the job as well. If you're cruel to animals, you are a paedophile. No, you're an animal abuser. No, I mean, you are on the same. What level of animal, though? Like, if you stand on a snail, have you then got a fight, like, her fucking...

Purposely, stand on a snail? Yeah, I've seen people do that. Yeah, that's horrible. Yeah. It depends whether the animal poses you any threat, I think. Like, I'll knock her out. what if a dog pisses on you

like as soon as you arrive at the podcast I'll fight you if you did someone you're bigger than me so Wallace pissed on Andrew the second they got here

like bees and wasps I'm sorry I thought that was gonna be a rhyme I don't know what was going on no like I'm just like I'm cruel to them get the mosques I'll punch their head in

they're done I'll get me shoe Bosch really yeah not like shoe them out like no No, because they don't want to leave and they're all fucking thick as well

They're all like, oh, is that a window who's in a photo? It was a fucking, oh, shut up, with your bees and what? I nearly did it. Now there'll be someone else commenting, you know, if there wasn't any bees we'd all be dead within a week.

No, we wouldn't. This is another load of shit, isn't it? Oh, the honey, you know, without the honey bee? Do you know how much relies on that? Yeah, one type of Cheerios, that's about it. Fucking load of shit.

We don't need bees. Is it that the entire ecosystem? What do you mean? Is it not the entire question? No, it's not. It would be fine, wouldn't it? No, that they pollinate other things that give us, like, the ability to breathe.

No? We breathe because of trees and bees are going nowhere near. Then what they mean is a couple of sunflowers and that. Oh, sorry, there'll be no more sunflowers and no more honey. Also, you think bees have figured out how to make honey, and we won't figure it out if we really put our mind to it. If we get those fucking fellas who are looking at cancer, go fucking leave that for a week, just sort the honey out.

We'd have only like that. We don't need them. It's not for the honey, though, is it? What? It's not for the honey. Like, that's not what when people go, oh, fuck, we'd have no honey. It's because they help all the plants.

What do you mean they help all the plants? Like, by pollinating all the other plants. It's not just honey. I've got a plant in my house that I've had since I moved in. It's healthy as fuck, and there's no bees in there. So I reckon we'll be all right. I think, are you all right? I've got no answer to that.

This last section is usually less Adam shouting at the world via the podcast. Are you a fan of bees? I'm okay with bees. So I used to kill spiders when they're in my house, like huntsmen spiders. Yeah, because they threaten your life, surely. Well, no, huntsmen are non-toxic, aren't they? They're just big and scary.

Yeah. Did you have any scary, like, scary, bitey ones? Yeah, we've got heaps. I mean, I could kill you in your house. Yeah. Oh, they can kill them then, yeah? Yeah, but they usually hang out, like, in the backyard or whatever, but the huntsmen look the scariest because they're, like, big and they're fast.

And so I used to kill them out of fear. But then I found, like, when I got out of jail... Oh, they are. My brain had changed. I was like, I can't be afraid of spiders anymore. And so, like, now I can catch them. So all the day... Whoa, hey!

What do you mean you can catch them? So, like... Yeah, yeah, so you just... What the trick is, you get a bowl and like a chopping board, like a, like a thin one, and you just... And you make it a lovely risotto and then ask you to leave.

And then you give it a further review. I'd have gone shrugging. You just put a bowl over it and catch it and then you just take it out to the backyard and set it free. But it was in the backyard before. It would just come back in? They don't do it that quickly. No, I think they get it.

Once, like, you've saved their life, there's like an agreement with that spider to say out. Remember him. He is a friend of the spiders. When you used to kill them, yeah. How would you kill them? Because I've seen them.

They're like fucking... Just a shoe. Like dinner plates, aren't he? Just a shoo. Just a whack. Just shoe. Yeah. Would a lot of like shite come out of them?

A little bit, but I mean, it was worth it. to have the spider dead at the time. What was it doing to you, though? Was it just, not just being? Fuck off, Carl. You'd kill it immediately. I would kill a house. The house would be burned to the ground.

Yeah, that's what I'd do, actually. That's why I'm asking about how you kill it because I wouldn't trust myself to get the shoe right. No, because I've messed in it, jump down my throat. Yeah, you've got to... It's a skill to be good with the shoe, particularly if it's very high and you'll be on your tippy toes

or you're climbing on something and you fuck it up, then it's going to run so quickly and it's going to be gone. You don't know where it's going to go. But all the dangerous ones are in the garden? well yeah they're in the bush yeah in your backyard so that's like redback spiders and funnel web spiders are in the bush they're not really ones that are lurking around your house right haven't had an encounter with one so you don't do gardening then why would you could where would you ever go anywhere near the garden well like if you're having a kick around in the garden and you kick the ball in a bush those spiders

are a lot slower and easy to spot like the red back ones have like a red line on them and then the funnel webs are pretty unless you really provoke it they stay out of your way they're like in tight, like in holes. We've got fox, isn't there? Yeah. It's a fox that can kill you. A fox could hurt you like. They're quite aggressive.

They're feral, aren't they? They're not like team. Yeah, but when are you playing for you? No, there's a fox in your garden and you went out. Would you go, would you approach you? But they're there all day, aren't they? Like the spider could, I'm talking mid-afternoon when you're using your garden. You've got a foxes go in the day?

Well, they're not in your garden, aren't they? Not that you know of. Aren't they nocturnal? And so, well, where are they sleeping? In the borough? In their set. I think I'm a strong enough. I had a mate at uni that had a fun,

a redback spider crawl into his mouth when he was asleep and bite him on the inside of the mouth. Emigrate! Immediately! I'm out of the country! And he didn't know why he was sick and he had to go to hospital and they're like,

they found that he'd been bitten by a redback that he missed his father. Can I just say to you, right? I don't mean any disrespect to your country at all. This is not going to be good. though, for your country. I think Australia is a stupid place in everyone

who lives there is a fucking knob. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Like, honestly, you know the two weeks I spent there when we met? Yeah. Every night, I struggled to sleep because I was just like, well, I'm obviously going to get eaten to death by a spider. The fact that that's possible is stupid.

Yeah. And the fact you haven't all left is mental. We don't belong there as humans. Oh, we don't, do we? That's their gaff, in it? well it's even like there's all the living creatures and then I think we have like

the highest rate of skin cancer in the world in Australia even the sun is like fuck you shouldn't be here it's just fucking stupid I remember you were unhappy even about Guinness that we have in Australia

complaining about the it doesn't travel well enough it doesn't no I wasn't complaining I was just stating the fact it's shite it's crap yeah I need to try it over here I haven't tried it locally yet.

Yeah, it's good gaffs for it, like. Yeah. How long are you in Liverpool? I'll do my show there this Saturday and then that's it. I got to Glasgow after that. I'll give you some pubs to go to. Watch out for foxes. They're everywhere.

Those afternoon foxes. Do you have any deadly spiders in the UK? No. I got told a myth that a daddy long legs can kill you, but its teeth are too small. No, it doesn't have any teeth yet. It's got the strongest poison known to man, but it can't administer it. Is that true?

I feel like that's an urban... I don't know about known to man, but I know, I've always said, like, you've got the strongest poison in the animal kingdom, but it can't administer it, genuinely. He's got no teeth, I thought I'd had the little teeth.

Yeah. And we'll close on a fact about Daddy Longlegs. Go on. It's a myth. You're on the wrong website. You're on Not Myths.com. Get on Daddy Longlegstruthor.com.

Daddy long... I know this has probably been done by a stand-up, but it is the best name of Anthony in the Animal Kingdom is like, Hmm. Is it? Oh, we got one.

Keep it going. When are you doing your set? Because the Danny Longmox is the closer. My mum is. Who's his kid? Have you seen those Daddy Long Leggues memes? It's like the guy that's coming up with the name and he's like, I'll call it Long Legs.

And he's like, no, no. kinky enough. Right, we need to end this podcast because Adam's going to Bristol. Oh, he's gone. Hamo, lovely to meet you. Pleasure. I think that's going to go down

a fucking treat with our lot. Where can we find you on social? Plug whatever you want to plug. Andrew Hamilton comedy and the YouTube channel is the OJ crew. Thank you guys. I love it when it's concise.

Yes. Did you have sold off for Saturday? No. No. You can plug that because it goes out on Saturday morning. Oh, awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be great. Yeah. So, yeah, Hot Water Comedy Club on Saturday and then doing the Glead Club in Glasgow on Sunday. All right, class.

Thank you very much to everyone that came to watch me and my band in London and Manchester last weekend. We've got one more show this year. Liverpool, Rough Trade,

5th of December. The link is in the description. Me and my band. Sorry, oh, sorry. Me and my band, man. That's the best point, never. This week,

we've got a tune from a lab we've played before, Michael Gallagher. He's great, and... Mickey G. Mickey G. And this is his tune, Wunderstruck. This is Mickey G.

This is Mickey J with a Wondustruck. It says how much. Bye. I take you out. But I ain't got to die. I grow your flowers, but I ain't got the tools. I ain't got the time. I find the words of power.

destroy and when it hurts you know that we must be love it'll leave you spinning around in circles feels like falling from sky and on the day it hits you you'll be able to put up your sight you're singing sweet man and sweet girl lover of mine you think there'll be another to the other and at the time Give me the summer sun Give me the wind and the winter snow Give me anything that you want

I'll give you everything that I own See I want to play if you know I want to walk you down the aisle I want to be beside you Baby on the day I die Sweetness sugar lover of mine you think there'll be another

to the end of time she's sweeter than sugar this lover of mine you think there'll be another to the end of time every old I take always leads back to you I made a mistake I should have given it out to you

I find the words but I want to struck is this really hurts I know it must be love sweetly sugar love are almighty I think there'll be another to love End of time

Because she's sweeter Than sugar This lover of mine You think there'll be another till the end of time End of time Thank you.