Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #356 with Mike Rice - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: November 24, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeBetter Help | https://betterhelp.com/word1010% off your first month of therapy using code Word10ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everyone, welcome to this episode of the Have a Word podcast, and my God, Carl, it's a good one. We're sat on the couch for starters, mate. I know, because I'm feeling very festivey. Festivy, that's a word. Festivus is coming. It's Christmas, just around the corner. This is when we're starting to do Christmas presents. Have you started yet?

I haven't started yet, but I've thought about starting, do you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm starting to think about starting. Yeah. And if you're the same and you're a lid or if you know a lid or if you love a lid, You want to get them a nice... Such a good gift. Have a word, Christmas jumper. Such a good gift.

Paulints, Navidad. You can go with the red, the Paulints. Yeah, it's like, if you're not willing and you're loving it, it's such a good, like, it's such a nice thing to give them. And if I was going to wear a Christmas jumper, Dan, and I'll wear them when I'd be wearing it, brother. December 20th, the Haverward Arena Show, our second ever arena show. It's bigger, it's better.

It's an extravaganza of everything. Have a word. It's a Mardi Gras of fun. You'd look good in one of these. Just imagine the sea of red and blue, the city of Liverpool, split, red and blue. But it's not Liverpool and Everton. It's Wallace and Paul Inns.

What side are you? Are you excited about the arena? I genuinely, up until this is a bit of a fourth war, but we had a meeting last week. I was a bit nervous. Now, I am so excited. This shit we've got planned. It's going to blow your socks off.

We know how good it's going to be. We want you to be there. There's a few hundred tickets left. Don't miss out. We want to cram it full of. the lid army. Have a wordpod.com for all your Christmas jumpers. Havewordpod.com for all your arena tickets. And enjoy the episode because it's going to be. It's just a hub of have a word. Have a word. Everything have a word. And the episode, Dan, we've already filmed it. It was a belter.

Nice. Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one. one and only have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN, the very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed. Get on me. I haven't seen you for a while.

Oh, it's nice to see you. It's chunky knit season. Yeah, that's what I... I've got the same one. I got it, yeah. So I just decided not to wear it. This is very orange, you know? Have a weird colours.

It's... That's why I bought that as well, yeah. For the audio this. It's really good. It's a good layering piece. I went into Arquette in London. Oh, rest in peace. I know.

It was right there in Littipu. And we loved it. They sell the French Terry, mate. And where's it gone? Have they just gone? No, Scouses aren't into Arquette? Yeah, literally. Because me and Carl were the only people in there.

Fact. Class. We put a cafe on the ground floors and no one knows it's a shop. I'll say this, though. Uniclo, not a terrible replacement. Yeah. Not a place, right? Yeah, I mean, if I could only have one, I'd want Uniclo.

Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. French Terry, though. French Terry? French Terry, mate. Oh, we love the French Terry. It's a, it's a, a cut of sweater that Archette Sell,

and me and Carl also think it sounds like a homophobic eupermism, you know? A eupermism. Yeah, Michael, I'm bringing Ian later. He's a bit of a French Terry. Yeah, I get it. I get it. Yeah, just to pre-warnia. Some of the times when we do those, like, you know, out of left field,

homophobic innuendos, I'm like, I'm not sure that works. French Terry. What? Nationality wouldn't. work with that. Scottish. Yeah, he's a bit of a Scottish Terry.

But he fucks them. Fucks women. Oh, I was going to say he was quite scary. Yeah, he's quite scary, and he golfs. Yeah. The gays don't. Gays golf? Gage women do.

I tell you what. There you go. Thanks for those facts, Carl. The, uh, I adore this city. I don't think I'll ever move. But the men's wear shopping game in this city compared to

places like London is just not Adam. Preach. Preach. They did give up on men. Is that not just everywhere apart from London in Britain now, though? No, Manchester's pretty good

for shopping. Sheffield's pretty good for men shopping. Is it? Yeah. They've got a... Like the sort of south-east bit of Sheffield,

I don't know what that road's called Echles or Echles... Eccles-All Lane? That big road... Is, like, there's really good places there. Liverpool just... Good boozers as well. It's getting better than it was.

but it's still pretty poo. I don't know whether it is. I think it is. Okay. Two years ago, it was John Lewis and Zara and that was it really. What else is here now?

Now I like Reese and they're there even though. No, so what's happened there is? You've changed your style and you now. And Uniclo, Uniclo's there now. Yeah, Uniclo, I'll give you. And for the, you know, I think BHS was a big loss as well.

Yeah, they're all still mourning. You know what? Mr. Jones stores is like underrated, man. No, it's not! No, that's not! it literally wasn't I tell you what can I just say

you boys this is big city privilege I know you are I'm not saying it's not a valid point but most of our listeners live in towns

where they're like I fucking love some of these options they have to come to Liverpool that's an awful they live in shit places there you go it was witness

a few weeks ago we specified which shit town now we're doing all of them it's all of your shit towns if you were like yeah that's me fuck off

stoke Yeah. Oh, actually, the north-east quarter of Stoke has really come on. No slam on Stoke, but, you know. There's a really good men's way of shopping, Swind them. You haven't been to Stoke, mate. I've been to Stoke with him.

Not even on a rainy Tuesday. No! Hang on, bullshit. You've just overshot the fucking turn off on the moorway. Yes. Oh, thanks, Stoke. By a now. Turn around at Congleton.

Stock's a shittle. Um, so I was in London at the weekend. As were you. We didn't meet up. I was, I was West London having a, a, uh, a, uh, a, uh, a, a carolk, aren't you? Absolutely not. That's not West London. I thought you were investing. Oh, nice.

Nice. Nice. Nice. I was with Bondi. Yeah, yeah. Having a little, um, uh, boys retreat in Chiswick. But, uh, everyone was like, a couple, Steve Griffin was like, oh, I've just seen Adam. He's, you're meeting up with him. I was like, no, he's all right. He didn't even tell me he was in London until he shan told me. This is a Dublin 2.0. Do you remember, do you remember last week when I was like, oh, I'm gone to

London this weekend. He said nothing in this studio, not a thing. I was going Chiswick. Yeah. And then I got down and I text these show and I was like, you know, around this weekend?

Do you want to get a pint of coffee? He was like, I want all these things. Should we meet up with Dan as well? And I was like, he lives in Chester brother. And he's like, no, he's in London this weekend. I'm seeing Dan. I went to see, uh, uh, do, do, do, do, do you ate us.

Yes. Yeah, but Bondi would have been there. And he just been talking Nasdaq and fucking, uh, anymore. Earning more. Listen, we see a lot of. of each other. Did you really want to see me? What did you want to see me for? No, I want the

option. I want to say no. You had the option. You could have come to Chiswick. No, I want you to go. Oh, I'm in London as well this weekend showing me to off and I go, no, I'm too busy. Brother, I don't want you. I was in Zone 3. Come on. I can't be zone 1 in with you, lauddy d'ars. Did you stay in Zone 3? Oh, I had a Chiswick day. Let me tell, let him tell his story. Did you? You're back on it. Oh, okay. Bondi's at the morning So Wednesday I had a gig in Bristol And I had early meetings in London

On a Thursday morning So I just got the train straight from Bristol To London Wednesday night and stayed So I was sort of deal How is the gig in? Was it Adam Rowan friends in Bristol? Yeah, Gaff Comedy Club And they are a few comics

A few young lads who've started Their own comedy club The Room is fucking wonderful What's it old? 150 Right, cool I'm gonna do Dan Nighting and friends next year

and I love a Bristol show 150's great. Seneca's mum went to see you in Lidham last week said you were great. What? That's not a question. There's a question.

She didn't want to like intrude. What? She said who was the people who were on? She loved them and she wants to go and see them again and that isn't a lie. Who was on with you?

A newer comic from Chorley called Oliver Bow-Bower? Bowler. He's great. He's really funny. Reminds me of, he's like, got a young Scott Bennett vibe going on.

He smashes. Really funny. And then some other people. There you go. And the middle acts were doing like an adlib. Yeah, she said the improv ones were fun. The improv, that's what it's called. I didn't watch it.

She said they were fun and she loved the show. But she didn't want to come in audio. I'll tell you this about playing Livingston's Ants. It's a weird relationship I've got with that place because it's where my nan was from. I spent lots of Saturdays there in my childhood. Then I lived there for two years when Etta was born. And David Moy lives there.

And David Moy lives there. And David Moy's. It's a lovely gig that Phil Walker runs. Roy Walker's son loves a great. It's 300-seater. It's great. And my new set, hot water a couple of weekends ago, I had one of the best sets of this year.

Like, you know when you've tuned your comedy to the people who listen to this, I get to do the stuff that I go, I think this is funny. And I think Lids will think this is funny when it finally goes on tour. Hot Water is about as close as I can get to a tour show without it being my show. Like, it's very tuned into the same sense of humour.

Absolutely through the fucking roof. Great. Lhythmson Tans on a weeknight. Hi, I just didn't have all of them. I had pockets that were fucking loving it. There was a lid in the front row who made me some cakes and left them in the dressing room. It was dead nice. There was a good section of that.

Did you eat them cakes in any time, did you? I'm on a diet. mate, my kids smash them cakes. Actually, if they were pot cakes and you just got Jack and that's a four, you've got a fucking two hours a piece where they were like, um, there, there was some older people in the room and, uh, oh, they do not enjoy a pegging joke. Let me tell you that. Too close to home for them. Too, they're, because they're doing too much pegging. They're like, boring, say something great.

Brian's Dick's not work since 78. We've been begging relentlessly for 40 years. Oh, he's the one who's. What's the strap on? Yeah, they peg each other. They peg each other, yeah. Well, Tereka's mom loved it. But, she said she's...

Pagan. I don't know. She said you loved it. She's a... She's a wonderful woman. Nuna. Una. Puna.

Puna. Iruna. Her mom's Indian yet. Javinda. Rumpinkro. It's Rumpinko. It was Una Puna, Juna, Rumpinko. Nuna.

Iana. It's one of them. Moana. It's an Irish name. Ah. Cheryl. She is a wonderful woman and I love spending time with her

but I'm also sort of glad that I didn't hang out with her because every time we hang out I feel like I need to move to where she lives because she leans she's like, will you come and see us? Will you come and bring the children?

You're thinking of the auntie? No. Serica's mum is like what weed is to like heroin. She's like a gateway drug for Irish guilt. She's like, come on now. I haven't got any grandchildren yet.

Will you bring the children to St. Tans. We go for a lovely time. You can have my car. You can have my bed. I'll burn the house down. I'll rebuild it. You can live in the house.

I'll pay the mortgage. Would you like a pension? I'll give you the pension. And you're like, wow, that's a lot. And she's Moana or Nana or Nune. Do you not want her name said? No, she works for a charity and stuff, so let's just not say it, but yeah.

All right. Right. And it's wonderful. It's run pincow anyway. And then... I've got a system for a member in her name, which I think is quite funny. Go on, you can say it then.

Her name's Onyard, isn't it? Ah. Right? I always think of Onyx, the Pokemon, and change the X to an A. Cool. I'm telling you, right now, I've never been able to remember a name, and it will be some form of onion rumpingo next time. So I think of...

Her sister, is it her sister, the blonde lady who lives near Cork? Olga is the most amazing woman ever. Olga is like, literally must-it. At your wedding, at the Liverpool one, she was like, you will come... This is the first. First time I've met. No, second time, because we met her in Italy.

She was like, you must go. What will I do in 2026 if you don't visit? You can have the house. I'll kill my family. You can be my family. I'll pick you up in the airport. She picks you up with the airport. And I love it.

And I want to, like, I want to visit her, your partner's family more than I want to visit mine. Yeah. And listen, that's great. But it's emotionally straining. She picks you up. She's got a place by the seat, like a little, um, it's like a static home thing

she picks up with the airport she takes you to the supermarket goes buy whatever you want for the week Isn't that the default a static home? A static caravan It's like a mobile home Do you know what I mean

It's not got wheels But it's like a stator mobile though It was driven there It was driven there But it doesn't move I think so Yeah yeah It's massive

It's fucking sick But on the beach It's actually the supermarket goes buy whatever you want And then drops it off And then every day comes And makes your breakfast And leaves and goes

If you want the car You can have it So it just looks after it I love that I love that. And one day, I swear to God, Onion, Arna, Moana. I will do all of these things, I think, maybe.

Olga. Olga. Olga and Onion, right? But the way, the energy that she was bringing towards the end, she was like, I haven't seen children for years. You haven't met the fucking children ever. I love them. And it's great.

And I'm really glad she was there. Oh my God. What? She's fucking calling me. Who is? A mom. That's a. Madge, that's weird.

She knows. Hang on. She never calls me. Ever. That is so uncommon. When was the last time she called you? Like she'll text me like a couple of times and then, but she'll never call me. Yeah, because she's an Irish witch.

And she's literally sat there going, I can tell someone's talking about me seeing the children. Quickly, I'll phone car. That's on next to Pokemon. It was on X the Pokemon. Anyway, it was a weird game. I pissed off a few pensioners talking about cocaine. Go on, where were we? Bristol.

Good gig. I'm flying, by the way. Me missing a patron exclusive is the best. I come in going, it's the best light. Bristol, well with you putting that in, fucking great room, ran by good lads,

really fucking love her. And probably the most my new hour has felt like a show. Like I feel like I'm getting there now. Like the bits have been there, but I don't know what I'm, what's the point? And you've got time. When's the tour start September next year?

October. Mate, you're going to be flying. So I went to London and I had two meetings on Thursday, right? I had two with a couple of production companies. One was the TV channel, Dave, who quite a few people had been to see us do a few pilots for a TV show in London. That certainly in its current form is not going to go ahead. And I could have a little sort of slag off and a little whinge or whatever

about certain things that went down with that. But the people I worked with on it are fucking excellent and they did everything they could to get it off the ground. It's just there's certain people in positions of power who are just like, oh, I'm not too sure about this. And I don't feel like they really know what they want. Anyway, there's some other stuff that is potentially in the pipeline. I just, I keep getting asked by people who were at those pilots.

Is this show going to happen? It's not, I've known for about a month. this meeting was to talk about why and what the next thing we could do is. So they want to work with you. They know that. They're sure about that. They just don't know

what they want to do that with. Yeah, and that's sort of where we started and we're sort of back where we started. Okay. They essentially think the format is a bit laddie and was a bit rude. And I'm like, well, like in the last pilot we had Lindsay Santoro,

who's an excellent comic, but like a filth comic, like on stage, she talks, she's very... She's fucking brilliant. She's excellent. but it's quite dirty humor. And the guest was Sean Ryder from the Happy Mondays.

And I was like, you know, I didn't book the Lionel. Yeah. Anyway, I think that format we've worked on could be really great with a few tweaks. And I think me and Matt who worked on the production side of it might actually just go independent and make a short series of it and see what happens with it. Anyway, that's the updates on that because people can be asked me about it. So I had that meeting, really, really great.

The lads from Dave, Mark and Jason, who I worked on it, are just fucking class. And, you know, anyway, I had another meeting. So that meeting was at like 10 o'clock in the morning. I had another one of three, right? Which is about, was about an idea for a sitcom that I've been sort of working quietly on. And they really bit on it.

And that's going to get pitched in a couple of months. And I'll tell you about that in a bit because I haven't mentioned that to you yet. Um, but I had quite a bit of time and I was like, you know, I'm a fashionist. I'm going to have a little, uh, look around London and I bought myself a jumper. And I had, I had the bag with the jumper in and I went and had a little pint, uh, before me next meeting. Because I had quite a lot of time to kill, you know. Went to the next meeting.

That meeting was with, uh, a company, a production company that shares a building with my, uh, uh, former agents. So I used to be managed by a company called Blue Book, which was originally called CKP. And they were my agents

for a few years, managers and agents. And they're on, you know, sort of directly, you know, they're on one floor and the company

I had the meeting that was on the other floor. And they shared a secretary. So I have to meet and the meeting goes well, we put a load of plans in place. And then as we're leaving, they go,

oh, you've got a couple of bits you know that you just never picked up from when a blue book used to represent yeah do you want to take them now um and i was like yeah i've got me bag with me jumping so i put the stuff in the bag and then i just went around carry on around london i had another little potter i was heading sort of back towards my hotel um and then i was walking through sort of lester squarey area and i bumped into a lad and i can't remember his name but we used to work with him in Zellig's.

Right? What'd you look like? Now, he come up and he's done this thing where he's like, Adam Lodge, you know, right? And I had to go, hey, man. You know what I? I love him, man.

Paul? Hey, buddy. No, maybe, I don't know. It doesn't matter anyway. So he's like, how are you getting on you doing well, aren't you? And I was like, yeah, Sam, lad, yeah. And he goes, what are you down in London for? I was like, oh, I've just got gigs.

I'm just doing the comedy store and top secret tonight, just doing, you know, some shorter sets to get me tour ready for next year. and he's like, oh, what have you been doing at your day? So I didn't want to be like, you know, I've had all these meetings and whatever. I was like, oh, I've just done a bit of shopping. Bought a jumper. And he goes, go ahead, show is your jumper.

So I opened a bag and show him the jumper. And he goes, what's that? And I went, oh, that's the award I won for club comedian at the Chortle Awards in 2022. And he went, oh, right. Sound? And I went, yeah, yeah. Anyway, how are you?

And he was like, yeah, I'm not bad, lads. Anyway, I have a good weekend. they'll see soon and he walked off and it was only about sort of 200 yards later that I realised because I hadn't explained that I'd had meetings

it looks like I've been carrying this round for three years I'm just going to take it to a jeweller and get a chain put on it and wear it round my and there's our best podcast award for me I'd like to do a little speech.

Thank you to everyone that voted for this. It means a lot. This has been with me for three years non-stop. And what makes me happy about this award more than anything is knowing that the people who run short probably didn't want us to win it. Thank you so much. Thank you.

We need to change our address for YouTube so we get a drink, by the way. Flav of Flavent, mate. We don't know. You what? I'll take it away, oh, that's sick. The good, they're good little fucking...

Yeah, but... That's a fucking banging award as well. Yeah, that's not like, oh, you're the big... What a lovely tour show. That's, I put my dick through gigs every fucking gig I do. And this...

What a year, that is made the double the can't stand. Alfie Brown won best show as well. Sick. Because basically what happened much. There's a good award as well. It was a... Because, like, it's, uh, it's pick nominees, but then it's a public vote. Yes, we just, and we patron there.

So we, like, blitzed, like, all, we, we were like, we're nominated and also both for Alfie as well. And we clean, swept it, yeah. Lovely. I don't know. I know we're not, like, the biggest podcast in the world for numbers. And Adams talked about this. But when, uh, when you guys go, I like these cunts, some of you really fucking commit. which is why we have the biggest patron in the UK

and there's 30,000 of you. And when we mobilize, which we don't all the time, but in 2022, apparently we're into it. You really turn up and we fucking appreciate it. And, you know, these awards mean a lot, which is why we've waited three years to pick them up. And even then only did it accidentally. And that fella who works in Zelligs,

I don't know whether you listen to the pod, but this is why I had this on me, because you'd long gone before I before I realized I literally just went A little bit of context I literally just went

Oh it's the award I won for the best club comedian in 2022 And he went to O'Rice And I went yet, how are you? I just picked it up 36 months ago On this thing

It's like Joey with the keys And the Porsche Oh, what's having my Porsche? Um Yeah, also got a bit of news Got a bit of news You got another jumper, didn't you? I've got several jumpers

Yeah It's jumpers season I've got a jacket getting delivered this week as well It's been tailored for me By which I mean the arms are too long And they're taking it up That's right For a small fee

Um Bought house in May didn't I And yeah we're not So the people I want to start this by saying the people I bought this house off wonderful people

with integrity they're great they're lovely old couple who are now living their life in Cyprus in Cyprus the operas

they are which is why I like them you know there's no threat like I feel safer with Greeks than Turks you know I feel like they're going to cook

for me and be like yeah but can they tell jokes that's the question oh your dad honestly your dad's good little joke pops into my head three times a day Tell him the headache. You're going to tell him the headache.

When he stopped talking after that, I was like, that is world-class. In front of his mother. Like anti-comedy? So when I bought the house, I don't know how much detail I went into with this, right? But this is what happened, right? And this does include a little bit of a whinge about luck, right?

So the house was up for a certain amount of money. And I offered that, and then they came back and was like, look, that's the third offer we've had at asking price. Our original asking price was actually 25 grand over that, and we didn't get any. We got one offer at that, and it was going through, and then the people pulled out, and then we didn't get any offers for a while, so we've lowered it to this, but we're actually hoping with the current stage of the market that we get an offer above asking. And I went, what do you want? Like, how much do you actually want?

like what would get you to just give me it now that's better than doing that blind oh that's awful well the thing is so they gave me a number and I went great yeah it was an extra 10 grand and in my head I was like right well that's an extra 10 grand across 30 years it just like I want this house

and it just doesn't you know I don't want to bid an extra eight over and then someone goes nine or ten like yeah yeah because I'd done one of those blind ones on another house I loved and I lost and it rarely done me head in yeah so I just gave to me now after that they went

do you want any of our stuff we'll sell you it right for white goods yeah um so they were like you on the couch I went no coffee table no dining table no

um and I they were like well you know because they were moving abroad they were like would you like the fridge freezer and the washer dryer and I was like yeah

but I don't really want to give you a lot of money for it and they were like, ah, we were thinking like two grand and I went, no, I'd rather just buy my own with warranties and guarantees and all that sorts of stuff. So I was like, look, I'll give you 700 quid for the fridge, freezing and the washer dryer. And they were like, that's low. And I was like, well, sell it.

Then you take them to Cyprus. Yeah. Or put it on marketplace and get what you can for them if you want to go through all that. But, like, that's my offer for it. about a month after I moved in two months washing machine broke the dryer broke shortly after

so I've bought a washer and a dryer and the thing they wanted the money for really was the fridge freezer because they were like never had a problem with the fridge and the freezer is basically brand new because we did have a problem with that two years ago and they fully replaced the freezers that's a brand new freezer

and I was like okay cool still no still that's my price for it but they're like but they took it in the end I opened the fridge the other day smells like gas like propane like out of the hob

gas so I was like I'll Google that and Google was like oh it's it could be but that's unlikely might be food. If you've got any fruit, veg, meat in there that's maybe being open,

it can release a bit of gas, so... You know the difference, though. That smell is... So I threw all the food away. Oh, good. Through all the food away that was, like, open. Because it'd been there for, like, a week anyway, because I'd been away.

And there wasn't loads, so I threw it away. I was like, it's probably, you know, something to do with that. And I aired the fridge out, and then I went to work, and I came back, and I smelled it again, and it was there. So I googled it. I was like, I don't think it's the food. Because there's nothing in there that's open now. and then it was like

oh well sometimes it can be a gas leak it's not like explosive it's flammable but it's not explosive like your fridge is not going to blow up even if you like put the hob on and I

rang the company it's M-I-E-L-A which is like a good brand of this kind of thing and they were like yeah just read us the serial number off the fridge and they were like yeah that's 15 years old so it would be around now

that you'd expect it to start leaking gas if it's going to start leaking gas. And I was like, can I get someone out to repair it? And they went, well, if you're right and it's leaking gas, we won't repair it because it's beyond economically sensible. Your fridges are right off. Yeah, they've wrote my fridge off. So just I've got to, I've not only got to buy a new fridge,

it's got to be the exact same height and width of my freezer because it's being custom built. The kitchen's being custom built around it, which means the only place I can get it from. is me ellie and yeah i've then got to like dump a fridge you don't dump it no you don't have to fly a tip of that's illegal that's what you say to the tip no no fridge bit's the tip ring the council they come a collector 20 quid bulky babble taken yeah or or just fly tip it i mean i'd love to see the video of that if you do it watch your dress again you're noddy noddy um and not give you

Yeah, but a new fridge is fun. That's the only... No, I'm just getting the same fridge. Oh, yeah. I'm getting the new model of the same fridge. I just can't believe how expensive fridges are. Yeah. Like, it's not even the freezer side, it's just a fridge.

It's £1,400. Yeah. Are all fridges that much? To get, like, a good double fridge you spend that. No, Finn, I'm very restricted as to what I can get. I just thought like a... Oh, no, you can get a... If you've not fucked on...

face like that you just get a standard fridge yeah that's not too bad seven eight hundred quid for like a but like if you're going for a big one yeah you're going for rugs as well mate to wait and see if I like the price of rugs brother

when we moved into the house when etta was born we were renting in Nottingham and they were like it's a great house really cool the guy who we were renting it off was like a rally cross like bike rider and he'd done quite well

he bought some property and we rented off him and it was in a really nice house but the thing was like they were like he's taking his fridge freezer because he's now moving into somewhere else. That's the only downside. Everything else was sorted, which is weird for a rental.

But they were like, we were basically like, oh, well, we're looking at buying after this anyway, so maybe that'll be fine. I was like, I don't want to spend this much on a fridge. I'll go on a gum tree and Facebook marketplace, and I bought a second-hand fridge. And I thought, don't buy the cheapest looking one. Buy a nice one.

So it was like a knock-off smeg. it looked a bit like that and two of the dodgiest cunts came around i gave them 250 quid cash and it they were like it needs to settle so put it there and you don't turn it on for a bit and it never fucking worked and i'd given them the cash and laura had done that thing where she was like i don't think this is a good idea i was like babe let me deal with the fridge so you know that makes it more annoying that you've been mugged off because laura was also right so i've been stolen from in my mind with Laura lauding it over me. I was like, I'm going to, I ring them. And they were like, oh, you've been very unlucky, very unlucky. I'm not doing the actual voice,

but it's not far off. They're like, what do you can do? We've got another one, an extra 150 quid, but this is top of the line. I was like, I just can't do it. I'll just, I just want to refund and come and get the fridge. And then that phone number never worked again and I couldn't get the money back and you know when you you know there's certain things in your life where you know you've been a knobbed like I know I've been a knobbed but I wish murder on them for a good three months that it settles such a good lie yeah yeah it does have to settle them yeah but I'm saying it's such a good lay it's a great way of getting out but the fact he was like we know they don't work because we're cuntbags but they were like ah

this guy's a fucking moron and his wife was probably right what we'll do is we'll give him another shit fridge and then charge you more and then will disappear. It was the fact that they were willing to double down on it. How did you not think to just say yes to that though? And get them to come back to your house and then go, give me me money. Yeah, good point. With a gun. Were they scared him?

Ah, with a gun. Yeah, they were two. One of them was big. One of them was, you know, wily. The rapper. Wiley, the rapper. Yeah, he's not been doing so well. Careers in the bin. One of them is big. One of them. Selling selling second-hand fridges out of long Eaton.

Is that Wiley? No, he was like an East European. Oh, I went to this weekend. I went to a Russian spa. I went for a Russian. I went for a Russian spa afternoon. Can I just say, boys, I'll tell you this. I feel like I've gained so much in the last five years.

Congratulations again. Such a lady of leisure right now. I have never been until I started hanging around with you, Bais. Never been for a spa afternoon, a spa morning. a spa day. Never really done it. It's because you were embarrassed by your body. I was embarrassed by my body

and I didn't want anyone seeing it or touching it because of her. But now. Not now, mate. I saw it last night and you are a joke of a man. Thank you. You look like Onyx? All right.

And now I want lots of Russians to see me and touch me, apparently. So I've been Card and Park with my mate Matt. I've been with Ishan. I need to take Laura. That's on the cards. But you've got to prioritize

who you love. Bondi was coming down to Chiswick this weekend because I'm not boozing I'm two months into not booze in obviously a helicopter straight into the middle of Chiswick they knew because they're all millionaires

but he's a billionaire It will never die I Why did you pick Chiswick? I thought he lived there No he lives in he lives in the Midlands and he

No castles in Chisick Finn This is going to be a rough one. I'd love to be able to get some of this story out. So we were in... Headliners in Chiswick. The gig's in Chiswick. Which is like a 40 minute

out of like central London. It's a really nice gig and I've been booked for this like prestige headline spot with a really good fee. On the assumption that I can sell loads of tickets in middle class West London, which is wrong. Thanks to the lid to turned up

because you've sort of validated me a little bit. Yeah, so I was like, I'm not boozing. I just want to sort of like go to the gym, maybe do a spa. Bondi's birthday was coming up. He likes a beer, but he's also quite health conscious. So I bought the afternoon like a spa treatment. It was called Banya number one. And from the pictures, it just looked a bit like eastern-y.

You know, like, you know, you could tell there was a style to it. But I was like, it just looks class. It's got really good reviews. We turned up at 4 o'clock on the Saturday afternoon. having been to the gym, we've been for run, it's been a very healthy weekend, I haven't boozed, we've eaten relatively clean,

and we were definitely in the move for a spa. I will, it was a Russian spa, and I didn't know that. That is East. But I, to best describe it, really fucking Russian.

Like everyone, Russian, and like almost putting it on, because I've met Russians before, and you're like, oh yes, this guy's Russian, but they were like, welcome to Berlin.

you feel in your form and then you go for treatment and then there is food you have borch you have paid for borch so I was like I'm probably not going to do the food Bondi was like no I'm all right

they were like no but you have paid for food as a pot off package we were like don't really hear for that more for the sauna and the cold plunge and the treatments and they were like

but you have paid for food so you get food but I'm a bit fussy she literally looked to me you are on diet I was like Yeah, kind of.

I didn't want to say, I'm a picky cunt, and it's going to be a fucking nightmare. I'll eat borsh if someone turns up when we do it, Dan versus food. I'm not doing it in a fucking spa afternoon after I've just been sweating with a lot of men. I just don't know.

Fucking like Russian scouse. Right. It's fucking class. It's a sour soup, Dan. You don't love it. Probably class. I wasn't having it. At no point in the next three hours

could they understand that we didn't want food? She was like, you'll go on to take away. So you go in, there's these booths and they're like, private booths, And once you're past the changing rooms, you're in your swimming shorts, a towel, they give you some flip-flops, and then a hat that makes you look like a garden gnome,

which is for the sauna, because it's one of those oldest, bigger saunas, where the steam hits the ceiling, and then the heat sort of falls. So if you haven't got the hat on, your head warms up too quickly, and then you can't stay in as long. You look like a fucking paedophile,

but it does kind of work. How much was this? Sounds great. This was, this is, this is about 200 quid for three hours plus it's three hours access and then three treatments. I have no idea that this place is Russian. Everyone is doing like, welcome and then we do this and then you go for the treatment. You can use sauna, you can use cold plunge. It's all communal.

So you go in the sauna and it was a great, it was really nice, but it's big. It's like a 25 person sauna. It's brilliantly lit. It's like dead wooden and traditional, like not just as like an easily made Swedish sauna. There's like an amphitheatre of seating and then these two treatment tables, wooden treatment tables on one side. So you go in, everyone that works there is Russian and fucking ugly and massive. And then a lot of the customers are Russian.

I doubt Ukrainian, probably Russian. And then there's basically one middle class stagdu who looked as lost as we did. You go in, so sauna, brilliant, and then you can cold plunge it. I can't last ages in a really hot sauna, so we're just going cold plunge sauna, cold plunge sauna, cold plunge, sauna. They're all ugly. They might have Russian women are gorgeous. Yeah.

Who's, there's, I mean, there are Russian women who are gorgeous. There was one, I don't know if she was Russian, she's objectively the most attractive woman I've ever seen in my life. I've seen Andrew Schultz talking about going to Russia, and he said, it's crazy when you go there. I remember him saying, Like, he's like Margot Robbie, like, because it's quite an old clip this. He's like, Margot Robbie, he's like a 10 in America.

We look at it and we're like, that's a perfect woman. He went, she is genuinely a six. Yeah. Like in Russia, she would be a city. He's like, I can't believe it. He went, I'm now walking around New York, which is in my head got like such a high standard of beautiful women. And I'm just seeing sixes everywhere because I've just got back from Russia. He's like, I'm hoping.

It's like when you go to Mexico and you come. back and you're like, that's not spicy, but eventually. Margot Robbie in the Russian bit of Chiswick is a 12. Apart from this one girl, but she never spoke. She just looked phenomenal. And I know it's a subjective 10. She had tattoos. Oh my God.

She was the closest woman in terms of attractiveness I've ever met to Laura. So then I was like, Bondi, you have to whisper because it's cringy. The Russians are fuming about everything. They're like having a spa treatment, fuming, look annoyed with us. You can tell the stag-doer trying to, like, everyone's just whispering if they're talking. The first treatment is leaves, bushels. They've told us that. The second is a salt rub.

The third is a massage. Sorry. A salt-salt rub. Or a salt, comma, rub. Honestly, on reflection, a combination of the two. What treatment is? Leaves? Right.

The leave treatment. Is it the one where they get you had, like, the... Like the Sunita leaves. So there is, this is sold out, Saturday late afternoon. It's, there's maybe 20 people in there. And before the treatment, they stoke the sauna. You get watched. You what?

Nothing is private in this first bit. So you're all sweating with your fucking gnome hats on. Everyone looks stupid, apart from Brenda, who looks fucking amazing. Two of the, I was like, so glad that I wasn't first because it was intense. They were like, okay, these three guys come in. One of them was, this is probably a confabulated memory, seven foot three. The biggest cunt I have ever seen comes in, in his short, again, these people don't smile. It's genetic.

Comes in with bushels, he was like, okay, you're a number four, you're two. The lads are like, you could tell they were like, oh, I didn't want to be first. They lie on the treatment tables. There's now 18 people watching them. that there's three Russian bounce-looking dudes that come in in their shorts with the gnome hat on and you're like, oh, they're just going to sort of start leathering them. They go, like Morris dancers go,

above the heads. There's like a dance to it and then start flicking them and start fucking twatting them. And then because your head gets warm because it's the hottest sauna I've ever been in, they get from a bucket what feels like a bunch of seaweed and light on your face I was like, I'm going to have a panic attack here.

You're going to get twatted with a bush with seaweed on your face. This is going to be awful. Then they lie the bush on. They lie the bush on you and just stop fucking leaning on you. These lads, I couldn't see the face because they're under seaweed. I was like, they cannot be enjoying that.

Then I started getting the giggles because I was like, and it was so not funny. You've got fuming Russians. A middle class stag duo just like watching their mates get sexually assaulted. It's basically a 20-minute bush Massage. There's flicking

A bush-wacket trial But it's honestly feels like it And then they lift They lifted the guy's legs up So his feet are in the air And they start twatting them Turn them around At this point

It's so awkward For everyone in there Watching these guys get assaulted By Russian bouncers with leaves And it's getting so hot in there And the bushes are hot When they're being wafted around Everyone just starts leaving one by one

It was the only time in the afternoon There was a cue for the cold plunge Because it was just a bit much, especially because I hadn't read the fucking Google review, so I didn't know what was coming. So Bonnie's like, all right, are we getting that? I was like, yeah, that's our first treatment. So we go in the cold plunge, we're like, there's almost like a sense of fear, because not only does it look intense, but you're like, how do I want to be watched by everyone? Anyway, everyone fucks off to their, wherever they're, like, they get their own little booth.

Some people are going to other parts of the spa. When we go back in the guy, calls us like you number five you come uh we get it done to us there's just one woman watching us it's less intense it watching it be done to someone else looked fucking awful when you have it done to you it's class it's so it's so good and the bit after five minutes when they get the seaweed out and put it on your face you're like oh thank you so much it's so not it like cools your face down while you get in and it's just at the point where you're like

I can't handle this it sort of eases off the guy who finished on me that's not the right turn of phrase the guy who I ended up with was the big seven foot dude

was like right you'll cold plunge and then you're getting the cold plunge and he's literally like watching you and then I was like you come out and you're like you're sort of overheated and then you're cooling down

you feel relaxed and then he goes now it's time for salt rob and then second Yevgeny comes at, Yevgeny's got black plastic gloves on. Again, just in his shorts. Why would they ever wear clothes?

Takes you into a room, private room this time, with like a heated marble slab that you lie on. And then he gave me a 10-minute salt rub that was definitely the gayest thing I've ever been involved in. You've kissed a man. I've kissed a man.

I would honestly, on reflection, say kissing that bloke in Essex 25 years ago was less gay than Yevgeny 2 pounding me with salt you kissed him on the asshole what actually in the town of Essex

yeah sorry nice at one point he didn't touch groin or face everything else got got absolutely hammered with salt at one point he got his finger and went through each individual

gap between my toes I love that. Oh, I've had that done in a normal, like in the Hilton. I love that. I can't do it. Okay. That sets me off. That sets my.

Once again, once again, hadn't read what the fucking spa treatment was, so wasn't expecting it. Also, it's a fucking, it felt like a Russian mob member. I'm imagining the Clitchco brothers. Is it? Yeah. Is it that? One of them looked like Clitchco's.

Yeah. Like, it's nice that way now. Yeah. Yeah. And also, after about six or seven minutes when I got over some of just like latent homophobia, I was like, I'm like, I'm sort of glad it's a man. because he's absolutely fucking kneeling into it. Come out, he's like,

right, you've finished, you go shower. So you wash it off. You feel brand new. You're like, skin's amazing. You are brand new? It's amazing. So Bonnie was like, I can't do any more sauna cold plunge.

This is all, he was like, can we just go and sit down? So he just sort of sat down with the look of someone who's like, like satisfied and also deeply disturbed. Like it was a weird combo that I couldn't quite place. I'm like, that was great.

think I've been assaulted. So you sit and we're just drinking, and then the guy comes on going, you're enjoying treatments? Great. Now it's time for your massage. And I was like, oh, it's going to be another bouncer.

Two of the ugliest women I've ever seen come out of nowhere. Go, because they need her. Mine was, at least 5-11 could play defensive end for an NFL team. She was a fucking unit. They're the runners, aren't you?

Bondies, I think, was 108 years old. She looked rats. went in and got a massage and then I've had some massages it was good she's pretty pressy which I know you're meant to be but after you've had bushes and salt rub

from Yevgeny it felt like a lot I've got a knot in my shoulder it's not an injury I just feel it on like a shoulder press I can feel it click a little bit she found it and spent 10 minutes sticking her elbow in my shoulder and at the time I was like this is way too much.

I think she's, it's hurting a little bit. And now it's fine. And I went to the gym yesterday, it feels fine. Yeah, fucking so ited me out. Because literally she's untied the shoe lace in your shoulder. Yeah.

When we got in, she was like, you take shorts off, I leave, you have two minutes, you take shorts off, you wear this, it's more comfortable.

A thong thing. A paper. Yeah, see-through. I looked like a man baby. Yeah. Yeah. Laura wore one of those

just after she'd had a C-section. Do you know I weirdly look quite good in them? No, you don't. No, I do. Listen, I love your self-confidence, and I wish I had some of it. I have some of it, but not all of it. It's an amazing thing.

You don't look good in them. No, I do. No, I don't go out of right now. So when I first got given one, the first time I got given one, I was like, listen to, this isn't happening now, right? And I was like, I'm just going to keep me shorts on. And she's like, okay, whatever.

And then she left. The next time, I was like, I'll wear it. And I looked in the mirror, and I was like, that is better for me than my shorts. Like, I look, I look, like, intentional. It's a paper diaper. Yeah. It suits me.

I don't, listen, I'm not going to say this many times. I never want to see you in your underwear. You know, and I'll, you know, I know. But I'll take a picture of that next time you're in one. The whole thing was phenomenal. It, as, as weird as the whole two and a half hours was, then we sat at our table and the guy was like, you enjoy your three months.

Now it's time for borsh. We've said no to this food, three to me. We have said no to three. Different members of stuff, like, we're not eating the food. And we're like, yes, you pay for food. We give you food. She's like, when you're ready for food, which you will be, because you've not said no three times, press this button and food will arrive.

So me and Bondi ran off. We just got a stuff and fucked off. Why didn't you just try it? It's just a borsch? It's just, I've been a borshman. I've had an elbow in my shot. I have my toes done by a salty fucking bouncer. You didn't think you'd like any of it, and you did.

So why not continue that? Yeah. You could have enjoyed that sour soup. Borsh. Fucking borshi did in my face. The whole thing was bizarre and wonderful. Do you eat soup generally? No.

No. Why? Well, because I've never started with bosh, you know? I think that's the mistake I made. But would you have like a cream of tomato soup? You've tried it, didn't you? But we had it in the shot glasses, which probably was an idea. Cream of tomato.

Loads of buttery bread. Oh, the worst bit from a pizza. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but you love pizza. Yeah, I know, but I like it with bread and cheese. Yep, yeah, so would you have like a cheese toad? Would you have a cheese toasty dipped in tomato soup? No, I just eat the cheese toasty.

I have that from Derek's. I honestly think we should get him in this break. Dedix? A Derek's cheese toasty with the soup. He can't. He's only like four calories a week. Yeah, but he can just have a bite, can he's not going to eat the whole thing, it's horrible. I will need some protein, though.

Yeah, you can have protein, but you should have a little bite. this. I'll say this. Don't gig after you've had a Russian spa treatment because what you want to do is go nappy, nappy nap time. I did have a nap in the day, did a day. I did loads of set at the weekend. I had a really good time. That felt like a comic again. And the early show

on Saturday at the store, I was on first and I opened with my religion bit and I found a new way into it that doesn't involve the story. It just is presented like an observation and an opinion and for 90 seconds I thought this gig

is not going to go well. And then I really won them over. It's the most... It's such a satisfying feeling. Because they went, no. And I was like, yeah? And they were like, no. And I was like,

maybe. And I was like, I've got you here. And then by the end, I was like... I had a gig on Saturday headliners where, you know, you have a fly in 10 minutes

where you're like, oh, you weren't sure at first and then I got you early. And at 10 minutes, I was like, you are in my pocket. And then for the next 10 minutes, they were like, I don't know.

I'd have heard the first ten. And it's never as satisfying. Like, you want to just build it. What a weekend? Right, let's have a break. That's been a mammoth first section. We will see you, surely. Welcome back to this public episode of Have a Word.

And it's time for... Such a bang. Can you imagine this in the arena, by the way? Can't do pills in the arena? Can you? No, you can't. And why would you even joke about such a thing? Silly. Get your tickets, though, because you want to wear that.

Go off on a fucking arena. Don't you ever wear a pod.com. Bailey says, Hey, lads, love your work. So excited to see what you have in store for us at the arena show. Hey, Bailey goes. Bailey gets it.

In the meantime, got a few tailored. Would you rather's for you, boys? Just before we do that, by the way, just... This is an unofficial rumor, but apparently Bondi's come in the arena and handed out 100 palm to every person. Whoa.

I can't confirm now. I've just heard. Your ticket's free plus you get 60 pound back. Yeah, it's going to be nice news for him. He won't even notice? I mean, he hasn't found a hotel yet, but it's going to add to his budget. But never mind.

He's very particular with his hotels, isn't he? There's not many with a helipads in the city. It used to be the bullshit bell. Not needed. Carl We begin with you Carl Would you rather Never be allowed

Could you just let this play out Before you go Right Never be allowed To own a pet again So Wally has to live with your mar You still get to see him But Wallace is not allowed to live with you

And he loves his nanzos Or So do I You have to own many pets You have to have at least 10 dogs 8 cats 5 rabbits four lizards, three snakes, and a goat.

If one of them dies, you have to replace them immediately, but you get to keep Wallace. Is it in my house? Well, this is, this is, yeah. No, you can't move. Oh, no, you can move. No, he can't. All right.

Bailey thinks you can move, but right now, it's got to start now. It would be initially, until you got your new house, be in your house. I give voice. In the Spanish quarter of hire to me, Dan. I wouldn't see him as mutton Dan. I wouldn't see him anyway, would I,

if there's 10 underdogs and lizards and stuff. It'd get pushed out and he'd have a worse life. Would he not still be the king? No, he'd have a worse life. I am genuinely surprised. I can go and see him at my mum. No, because this is the thing, isn't it? It's like Sophie's choice this.

He's doing the right thing for Wallace. Wallace will still have a good life in a place he likes, and yet it hurts Carl, but it keeps Wallace's life good. Can I just like something here? Yeah. I've heard people use Sophie's choice many a time in my lifetime,

but didn't want to seem thick because I didn't know what Sophie's choice was, Phil. And now I'd like to know. Sophie's choice, I think... Ah, I didn't really want to learn anything anyway. I think, and I might have this wildly wrong... It's Lurpack or Flora.

I think it's... Sophie's got two daughters who are both little Jew girls. Ah. And it's... And it's which one of them are given to the Nazis and which one do I get to keep? Literally, yeah.

oh yeah it's not a nice choice what why were they doing listen we only have so much space on the train what what was going on there that was bleak by the way well i think it was more like we've only got so much space on the train so which one do you want to bring with you on the train this train's not going to auschwitz this train's going to disneyland

yeah that was the plight of a lot of the jews in germany in the late 1930s It's either you're or Disney or Vig or East and it's not as fun. Yeah. So that's Sophie's choice, everyone. Is that Sophie's choice? Yeah.

It's not a Disneyland bit, but yeah. He didn't say whether it was Disneyland or not. The branding was Disney or Dakow. Really? You go in... Well, he'd have a grim life if he was fucking loads of lizards in me out. He'd eat it. Four lizards.

Yeah, and other dogs. But they're in a tank, aren't they? Cage. What do you? keep lizards tank cage Buckingham Palace Buckingham Palace Bondies lizards

I'm so sorry I saw a comment a couple of weeks ago when we launched I was like what's the guitar about yeah now tune in Dan what about you but replace it with kids

your kids go to Lorda's mums oh can I move it 12 kids. Oh, there's 12 more kids in your loss. Listen, I mean this respectfully. The bitch lives in Bedfordshire.

And I love that woman. I've got a great mother-in-law, but my gal lives too far away. 12 more kids, or they go to hers. Yeah, cool. I've got 11 aside with a reserve. Okay. You having 12 more kids, yeah? I don't want to sound like, if you can't live with your kids,

oh, there's loads of people. There's loads of dads who are like, mate, this is my life. and I don't know your relationship breaks down shit hits the like that is the best bit is just

your relationship breaking them no but you've got 12 other kids so they're getting less low and they're not random kids they're 12 more of your kids oh shit is it oh shit you have to love all of them equally this is the thing

like if Carl had that many more pets you'd have to love and love and love half the pets so do you want 12 more children that you love and have to take care of and they're your responsibility and they're yours

And they're half your cum, half hair cum. That's not how that works. We take all the cum. That's how you make babies. Not hair cum. Her cum. Kind of. Inside cum.

You're going to have to get a surrogate as well. Oh, yeah, Lord has had to... How dare you talk about my wife's reproachers assistant. Oh, yeah, she's had the snip. You're back on. Then you can, I'll take that back. No, no, the magic wizard comes along and goes, oh, your paws here works again.

Right. Can I ask? how these new 12 are getting dealt out. Are we, what are we doing? Six boys, six girls? Yeah, but in what order are they? Eight and four. No, what?

So she has eight kids at once and then what are 12 tuplets called? They're all just coming at once? They're called murderers. Dech. No, Dech is ten. I'm trying to go up. Dech. Dodeck.

Decoplets. No, wait. Yeah. It doesn't have it. Is it Doeck? Dodeck's 12? Dodeck upplets. So it's all at once?

Yeah. Oh, great. I think we're 12 as well. Like, they'd be so small. They could just walk out of their pussy as well when they're ready to be born. Nice. Nice.

It's great to learn about women, isn't it? So what would you do there? Is it a jacket pushed in the back of the Q-A-ho. Hi-ho. Hi-ho. It's off the birth we go. I'll go 12. It'll be a fucking scrum.

And I won't love any of the... You will? Do-decker. No, you will? No, I'm telling you I won't. On the 400th sleepless night, because these little shits won't go to sleep, I promise you, I will not like them as much.

And the room's going to be, it's going to be like a, oh my God. It's going to be awful. Just a bit of Jack and Etta, for fuck sake. Oh, no. You can go to Bedfordshire. You can go and see them in Bedfordshire. They've just got good.

They're really coming into the... Jack's just a little dude now. For all the whinging I did a couple of years ago, I feel bad about now. He's a gobshack, don't know, won't he? He was a good. He was drinking too much. He was drinking too much.

He was like Avengers to come in his mouth. Gambling. He still wants Avengers to come in his mouth. But to be honest, one of the funniest clips I've knocked out for a while. He's giving me content. I'm surprised, but I think it's a very sensible answer. Finn, would you rather be given an entry pass to literally any live music gig you want?

It's a pass for just you and a mate. Okay? You can't resell the ticket so there's no financial gain to be made. It's a pass that you have to take in to see the live music, right. But to enjoy the benefits of this ultimate gig pass,

you have to eat meat again. And meat has to be eaten every day and if you go back to being veggie, the pass expires and you get a 12-month ban from all live gigs. Or you stay as you are, overpaying for tickets and eat in Hulumi. Oh, shit.

Oh, no, we get to go music. I need to cab. Yeah, but the thing is, you don't get it. You don't, you can't, like. You're hypnotized? We tried that. No, you didn't try you. Carl, you don't get it.

You're not a pathetic loser. Yeah, you're not. You're not a fucking gimp. Imagine Oasis, you can go to every single one of the ones we're going to do next year. You can do all the Nebates. Easy. I know you're going to do is he's a beggar. I ruined Oasis for myself.

though. Oh, did you? Yeah, go and them other two. I didn't enjoy it that much. Oh, is there a magic number with Oasis? Is it two or three and you did five? I just shouldn't have gone two days in a row. It felt like, I was like, Lasis again. Yeah. Oh, that's sad, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to eat meat. I'm going to eat meat. I'm going to have to get hypnotized, though, or I'm going to freak out. Not like dancing or something. Really? You get to walk up to like Paul McCartney and you're like, I'm You don't even have to think. You could decide on the afternoon.

Well, there's loads of gigs that I'm kind of like, I'd go to that if I had limited money. Like, I can't be, like the fray. The fray are on this week. I'd go and watch the fray, but I'm not paying 40. By the way, live music tickets, not fucking about on cost, are they? They are expensive.

Do you know, because we now know how much of costs to put like an arena show on, for example? Jesus Christ. I have no qualms. We're paying whatever it takes from music. I'm genuinely at a point with it where I'm like, I just won't complain about music tickets because I think what we have is quite a basic setup

compared to what like the fray would have or Oasis or whatever. And I know what we cost to talk into a mic. Can you imagine how much Taylor Swift's tour shows cost? Three hours of that instant. Yeah, I get. I mean, she's still making a hell of a lot of money. That's why that ticket is that much.

Hey, but I'm talking much lower down the totem pole, there are still some 65 quid tickets. going where you're like, wow, like. I think it's worth it. And I know that's from a position of privilege with someone who can afford to go to a lot of these things and a lot of people can't. But I get why things are expensive. It also makes

me proud that next year I'm doing Dan Nightingale and friends around the country and it'll be 16 quid a ticket. And listen, I get the value that is needed and what else, but I like that my ticket is like, are you not torn? Nope, I'm going to do Dan Nightingale and Friends. I've got the dates booked in. I'm going to try and get to a lot of places. Um, interesting. Mine is of a similar vein. Dan, would you rather have banging sex with Loz any time you're up for it? Like she's happily DTF whenever you get the urge. But as part of the deal, you have to eat a full tuna butty every day. If you go one day without the butty, the spell is broken and you don't get a sniff for a year. That's no sex with Laura for 12 months. After that, you can carry on life as it is now.

Sons the on-tap fuck party but not having to gag down a fishy sandwich every 24 hours So you're eating two tuna buddies a day Pussy Oh nice She's got a lovely vagina Um

No last It sounds so good Don't it Lord of vagina Is she not DTF A lot more now anyway It's not as much Is it as much as you'd

How many times a day are you going then If it's literally every time you... Oh, every day, brother. Yeah, but it was a once a day. People think I'm an absolute wank fest, and I am, but I'd much rather, like, my ratio is like... Would you fuck twice a day if you're like, yeah? Oh, you get a bit sore, wouldn't you?

The way I do it. You might always say, with a trampoline. Yeah. Just like, can you just let me crack one out? She's like, no, you've eaten the tuna sandwich. I will... Why is she that voice? Oh, they're so horrible tuna sandwiches, I think.

I wouldn't use a tuna sandwich to fuck Laura. Thank you, mate. Oh, no, hang on, fuck you. I would. I like tuna. And Laura. She's a, by the boy, yeah. Oh.

It's not worth it, done. I'm not going to say, yes, I want to fuck Laura for a tuna butt. I think it's rude. I would. She talks about you very nicely. Carl, fuckable. My, babe, I'm trying to finish my Cheerios. It's in the morning.

She wakes up. First thing in the morning. She's like, yeah, every morning. She finishes a coffin. She's like, do you know who I'd fuck from your work? She's making a tuna, buddy. I am going to try and chow down the tuna sandwich every day. If you can't do it, then you get a year with no...

Because my thing... I know, but the internet's so fast. Full fibre. It's worth it because I love banging Laura, but the only thing is I want to do it more than she wants to do it. And I have to be like, oh, babe, do you think? And it'd be great to go, do you know what I want to do? And she'd be like, yeah, me, have you finished your tuna sandwich?

Do you hate tuna? Get on that. Do you hate tuna more than eggs? I think I do. Like two runny eggs. How good would this be is if I agreed to this? Tuna sandwich was whipped out. And I went, it's all right?

Oh, it'd be amazing. Wouldn't happen. How brutal would it be, though? Because you want to keep the on-tap fuck party going. If you're just, at the end of the day, you're like, oh, it's been such a lot. long day we've recorded I've had a gig I've bang Laura twice I'm knackered and you were just like I'm ready for bed and then you remembered that before midnight you've got to have a tuna sandwich

that would be the worst tuneable thing no thank you but it would be good coming home and Laura's just bought it in the sandwich up going come on you know she's DCF and just making you the booty get that in you get that in me bass nice and Adam yes would you rather have to exclusively dress yourself every day with clothes from the Liverpool TK.K. Max. Or, every time you go the match, you don't have the power of sight.

You have to have a mate tell you about it. You can hear everything, but you can't see a thing. The TK. Max one? That was the easiest one of all of them. The TK. Max isn't awful. It's just annoying to shopping. Yeah. TK. Max has got a good, like,

selection? I am blown away by this because there's a guy there's a guy visually impaired guys and there's a blind guy and his mate

and they're quite well known in Liverpool aren't they I've seen it. It's the most wholesome shit ever he's a diehard red he can't see the game he's there he gets all the atmosphere

and his mate just tells him what's happening you should have changed the shop to like I don't know like everything I've got on now could legitimately be found and it could

like a very similar item in TK. Max. The Liverpool shop. Yeah, that's worse. The Liverpool shop. It's the Liverpool official shop. Yeah, the Liverpool home, like the mega store. That's worse. I'll be blind now.

Hang on. We can find the catching point here. Of what's acceptable. Because Bailey's gone to eat. I honestly, when I read that, I read it to Laura this morning. I was like, do you reckon she's got this? And he was like, because fashion has become so important to you. And I know that because you've told me in 90s.

7,000 times. I thought you'd balk at TK.K. Max. Because I sort of agree with you. TK.K. Max is a combination of higher-end brands doing, like, Ralph Lauren do stuff that's just for, like, outlets. They're like, this is the cheap stuff. So, like, people who are a bit cheap can still wear our stuff. So we've still got brands out there.

It's then also brands that, like, John Lewis have that don't last. So it's, like, really good stuff that's cheap because they're just, like, fucking just get rid of it. This company's closed. But it's hidden. Yeah. within a ton of shit. Yeah, it's a, it's a brand new neon lit jumble sale.

River Island. Yeah, but TK. Max. River Island's not that bad. I know you think it's that bad. Carl, it's really not that bad. They've taken the shitty logos off stuff. Have they? It's not nearly as offensive.

There's always been stuff you can get in there that, like, you can get away with. The Liverpool shop is the right one for everything. Like, honestly. Go so wet in the tuning gear. To come in here, I could go to Liverpool shop and get an outfit. go and play footy to go and get coffee on Lark Lane when I drive all the way there on a Sunday, you know, when you can be bothered with the two-hour drive.

What are you wearing? You're wearing like a, like, the track suit or something? Some of the, some of the, some tracky, like, there's a, there's a, there's a zip-up that I actually want from there. It's just, it's sold out in my size, like, immediately. Gigging, restaurants. You get away with gigging as well? No, it's...

He would, he would, I would on, like, a, a, a went. Wednesday night. Right. A special taping's going to look good in it when you're like, yeah, but things like that and going out with your bed on a lobby.

Yeah. Like round the pool on Oliver. He really, going to the restaurant to the evening. That lads are rad. You were wearing Liverpool tops on holiday. It was just us though, woulda?

Yeah, but the one or two that he likes. Like it, unless you just, you can't. You just rotate. What is it about? Be blind. That's a good point, actually, yeah?

Be blind. What about Primark? again, Primark's quite good now You can get the odd bit that's fine You're like enough River Island And you're putting Primark I'm fucking put like I draw there

Bullshit FACT I would draw the shop A Primark You haven't been in River Island I have You haven't been in River Island I went in River Island For a plain black t-shirt

And they didn't About two months ago And they didn't have one Oh mate it's so not as bad as Prime No it is What about George Again I think George Tesco That is fine

No George is quite bad Terrible car Marks and Spencer's quite back Marks and Spencer's is fine. It's for divorced dads who don't even know they're getting divorced yet.

It's... Riverna's the bottom. It's just... It's not car. Primex, bad quality is what it is. It looks good until you wash it

and then it's done. Like, genuinely. I love it. River Island, everything's got like jewels on. Yeah? Don't you like me jewel jeans? No, it says

for it own it on the back for no reason. Really not. There's loads of stuff in there. Have you got shares in River Island? No, but I... But the hyperbolic nature of the, no, this is shit, it's got jewels on, everything's Diamante's.

I haven't bought me a bad rig out for my stag, exclusively from River Island. Yeah, some of the worst stuff I've ever seen. But it's not the only stuff they've got. I think it's a... You could get away with it, but I don't want to, and I would choose Primark over it. Wow.

I fully... I'm buying shares in River Island. It was definitely a sinking chip, by the way, because they're not that good. Also, the Kemp range of Primark's really good. Who chem is? Yeah. I honestly thought you meant.

From, like, reality TV. He's got, like, a deal with Primark. And it's, like, their better quality stuff. Oh, nice. Because at TK. Max, there's Modbox. Sorry? There's the mod box. Moddy box.

Mocky Bock, Bock. They put me kids here. No, that's somebody who works, they goes, oh, that's quite cool. We'll put it in the mod box area. God. Is that like Lambretta? They think, no, it's the opposite of the Lamberta stuff.

It's like the actually semi-cool stuff. Oh, the bit where someone's gone. Oh, this is. all right. This is actually all right. I thought Lamberetta was for mods. Yeah, but I don't think it's... No, it doesn't mean that. But the main thing is River Island is dog shit,

and they've fun terrorism. River Islands of Blood. No, Rivers of Blood Island. Sounds scary. Do you want some food? No. We've got you some lovely lovely food. Hang on, let me just, before you do the thing,

because it's unsatisfying if we don't do the jingle. Dad versus Food Fight. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Dan versus Food. Dan is a 46-year-old man with food phobias. Which means he is scared of dinner. He spends his whole life worried about certain foods, and it's a texture thing, it's an anticipation thing.

He really doesn't like certain things, and there's no particular rhyme or reason to it. He just can't get his mad little Ed, around certain foods. We've made them try things, you know, that most people have had by the age of three, four, fish and chips, gravy, things like that that he'd never had before

in his entire life. Now, a while back, we got you to try some soup. Now, it was cold, and it was in a shot glass. Yeah. Not ideal. I think Harry was involved. What I would say is, this is Derek's, and Derek's are friends at a pod,

and they've sorted out with some stuff before. One of the best sandwich shops fucking going. This is a grilled cheese. sandwich and their grilled cheese sandwich comes with a side of tomato soup oh oh now what i would say dan is if you don't like this soup then you don't like tomato soup this is a good solid tomato soup and the grilled cheese you will just like because it is just cheese and toast all right it's a good start that looks soupy dipy dip why do i need a spoon for soup you're going to try it with the spoon and then no no i'm not yeah yes you want if you wouldn't you fucking

Oh, that's. I'm dipping. I'm dipping. You can have a dip once you've had a spoonful. No, that's why it works. Just till it's towards the cameras and the people at home can see. Have you never seen a tomato soup?

I've never eaten it before. Dan, it's just, it's tomato sauce. Imagine you've just had a bit of tomato sauce. Right. It's nicer than tomato sauce. Yeah, it's thick. What's on the grilled cheese? Cheese.

Anything else? Bread, bread and cheese. Grilled. Bortia. Oh, I think that, actually, I think there might be a bit of mustard in that. Yeah, what are you doing? It's dead, nice. A cup of that onion.

Well, I've never had... You're not having that, so you've had your spoonful. Yeah, there's loads of onions in it. You need to give me that to wash down the soup. Don't, you can't hold back the grilled cheese. Has it got onions on? No. It's tomato sauce.

I know. Stop shouting at me. Give me my fucking cheese sandwich. Now, Dad, try that, then just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a combo. I'm going to. I'm not eating that until I've got that in my hand.

Come on. Come on. For the audio listeners, it's going to get all. It's not a chaser. You have tomato sauce all the time. Give me, I need it. ready to wash down. Ready?

Go. Yeah, but you need to try it. That's the whole point. I'm going to try it. I want to hold the cheese sandwich. You can shut the fuck up, Kuvalu's. What's in this?

Cheese! Yeah, that's cheese. Don't. Shut up. Ready? Can I dip? No. Not yet.

Double that. That's nice. That's fucking great. What have I been doing? Oh, that is fucking lovely. That is such a good breakfast slash dinner. Go on then, right in, right turn. 10, 10, 10.

We got it. That was not enough for Derek's, but they are the best, so, you know. It's made me want one now, though. Oh, they're so good. I want that. I'm not really eating cheese or carbs, but... Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, it's been a while. I've another day. I have another dip. Oh, no, why I can't go out. Oh, lads. I don't know why I just didn't eat that. Your whole life. Derek's.

If you're a bit... Do you're all healthy tomato soupers as well? Like, you can... Like, that's probably got about 60 calories in. And it'll fill you off in the whole thing. really good feature this yeah when julia got involved and it was annoyingly Polish

wasn't sick ain't annoying anything slavik he fucking ate not the borsh go on press the button go and have your fucking protein chicken or whatever it is protein chicken chicken

Mickey Ricky oh hey baby that's what I call you Right. Meant your back. Mickey Ricky. Mickey.

I'll take that brother. It's like Sean Bean, did it? Yeah. You've got to match them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mickey, Ricky, Bobby. What the hell, Dan?

You've gone too big, too muscular for the desk. All right. You're knocking things over. He's not big, though. Is he skinny? He's skinny muscle. Well, he's done what? Because Vittorio did a similar thing there we got,

his little personal trainer, and he's like, I'm going to be hot now, and everyone's going to want to suck me off. and then but he just looks ill and then I look at you over there and you think poor old Danny's he's wasting away that's not the point

that's not what we're meant to be doing poor old Danny is gone shook and cheekbones are showing off now though you can see them yeah yeah yeah what happens if you don't eat bread they're pointy but I've had

I've had health issues myself now Dan from the bum-bums from the bummubs it's all about the ass with all Mikey rice there's a lot of there's a lot of

there's a lot of our space activity going on in all sorts of ways but I convinced myself this is actually more Adam Rose Street of thinking I'd convinced myself got very very

paranoid because I've been so I've been sick of load this year and it culminated in about a month ago going to A&E I'd go to A&E in an ambulance and then yes in an ambulance

that I called for myself how long did that take how long did that take not that long about I say half an hour it took Whoa. In London?

London. Yeah, I know, yeah. Yeah. Bupa? Huh? I don't even know what Bupa means. Do you want it is, mate? The quicker for immigrants.

No, no. They come over here to get all the ambulances. Stop the ferries. To be fair, once arrived, I said, you know what, Tommy Robinson's right. You know, Robbo's right. And immigrants in danger? Yeah.

Well, no, what, uh, what happened was a, I got it I was in Central London and I got I had a coffee out of Pratt and I don't know

what was in the coffee but was some poisonous shit but to be fair I have been I have been steal I had been stealing from Pret

for a long time particularly in the airport I absolutely fleece Pratt and what you mean? Why? Because I just think they have enough

what you say? Do I mean and in the airport they're like oh how eight pounds for a fucking egg and bacon, uh, no, thank you. What you say? No, I'll have

that. I think he takes the egg and making. Egg bacon, and then I'll get a little salt and vinegar, cider. John those little salt and vinegar cider crisps? Yeah, they'll go down there. They're a lovely little touch now. And then, they're a lovely little crisp. And sure then, while I'm Robin, I might as well have an old banana and be

healthy. What's your tactic? What's your tactic? I get the stuff. I pick them up, I have them in my hands, and then I walk out. And then I walk out. Yeah, but it's the airport, so it's all fucking, it's so full in there where everyone bussing around and sweaty and rotten. Also, the staff members in somewhere like, Pratt, they don't give a shit. Even if they saw you, Robin, they're like, well, what the fuck am I going to do? And then you're off in your little getaway plane.

You have a getaway plane waiting and you're like, you'll never catch me, Pratt. It's amazing. Getaway plane to a destination they know you're going to. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. in an allocated suit. My worry with the old theft from the airport, and I'm not against it because they are robbing cunts, right?

But I just feel like if it goes wrong, I feel like that could fuck up your flight. I feel like it's higher risk. You do it down the shops. You do it down Pratt down the high street. No, you're just fucking up your afternoon. Okay. You're a fool.

You're a fool. You're a fucking clone. So by the time you get to Pratt, you've already come through duty-free. Yeah. And you've walked past Tills. So you just play stupid. You go, wow, I thought the till's a duty freeze

is where you pay for everything. Yeah. So I was getting these and taking them to duty free to pay at the till. And the tank it on the way and put the cup in the bin. If you play stupid, you can't be arrested for being thick. No. You haven't, have you left the premises?

Not. What premises? The air force. Well, you know, because usually that, oh, you left the shop, but you're like, ah, it's all one big shot. It's all a big shot. One big shot.

And you said like this, one big shop. One big shop. One big shop. I won't go pay for the sandwich. Your perfume? Yeah, perfume. I thought it was, one big shop. They go one big shop.

But the perfume shop sells Tobler owns, so why wouldn't it sell egg and bacon butties? Yes. I mean, it doesn't, but why wouldn't it? Right. If anything, they're missing out. If you are arguing so, like, oh, I don't like that, they would know you're not,

you'd have to do that voice. They can't prove it. They don't need to prove any. You know, if you've stole it, do they? I always think that with Premier League football. As you know, when they sarcastically clapped a referee in, they get booked. I'm like, how'd you know he wasn't just a big fan of your way?

Go on yellow. When you're that closer. Oh, well done. I actually thought you've got to... More players need to clap refs in a non-sarcastic way. That's right. Great call.

That was offside. You fucking nailed that. Yeah. And you've got an eye for this. You're doing what you should be doing, Gavin. Well done. And you look great. Fantastic.

Fantastic news. They are all called Gavin though, aren't he? Every referee looks like they could be called Gavin. Yeah. But what crazy? Can you just see... And I do think this about a couple of things, but like to be a referee,

because we always had people, even as a teenager, lads who wanted to be refs, what kind of a person is like, no, no, I won't play, but what I would like to do is enforce the rules. That's a little Nazi. You're going to have to be a linesman first. I relished the chance. I was born by the line, molded by it. There's got to be like a lowest division where you just come walking to being a ref there.

Do I mean? Yeah, kids football. Yeah, because the linesmen there are just the dad dancing. Always start with the kids. kids. Yes. But so I, my, my coffee, my coffee in Pratt that made me, I believe made me sick. I believe was carmic because of how much did, how much of I plundered from Pratt over the years. So I had this coffee, man, send her down. Do you ever get that where you're in, you get a thing in your stomach? And I was just like, and he starts coming up a bit and you're like, do I have to get sick

now? And it's like, you're in town. I'm like, 34. I have to go puke in a fucking toilet now. I have to bend over a toilet now and fucking get sick with someone else's shit fucking wafting up into my fucking Irish head. No. You're trying to poo first?

Huh? You're not trying to poo first. So that I'm inhaling my own but why would I poo first? No, what feels sick? You don't try and poo. What?

So pooing helps me when I feel sick. I don't know why. But you know, if you've got to do both, I would poo first. I'd rather get sick on my shoes than shit on me shoes.

Hang on, hang on. Who's ever felt like you can and then gone, I'm going to go for a point. Do you want to poo on your? sick or sick on you're sick on your poo? What?

Right. I don't know what the bad one he. You definitely poo on you're sick before you get sick on your poo. Because if you're puking into the bowl, you've just shitting, you're now fucking inhaling your own shies.

Right? Enjoy your breakfast, everyone. I love it. Monday morning down there. Shitting into the toilet bowl and project alvomers away from myself. But he's saying they were separate. they're one after the other

this is what I'm saying it's not at the same time there isn't a man on the planet who's got that level of control if you're being sick into the toilet and start shitting yeah exactly there's a problem

that's going to switch yeah I just start shitting as well oh fuck yeah but like if you while you're switching that you know have you seen those like big pieces of art where like they swing

the bucket of paint it's gonna look like one of them in the bathroom there's over the side where did you go where did you pick just it so I ended up I held it up

I held it off for a while and then I was with my friend Ed and then I was like right I'd fuck it I have to go I have to go toilet here now and see maybe I think I might have to get sick and then you go you go into the toilet you're bent over the toilet and then like fingers down throw and then immediately just fucking like projectile my head feels like it's going to break apart just oh and I'm like what the fuck and every time I get sick it's not making me feel any less sick there's no relief for my of it. So I'm there for like half an hour just gurning one after the other till there becomes a knock on the door. It's like, excuse me, mister. And I was like, yeah, yeah, what's up? It's just like, you're okay. I was like, no, I'm getting

sick in here. It's like, you're in here a long time now. Other people need... Oh, it was a singular toilet? Yeah. Oh, wow. So I'm in there and I was like, I'm sick. I'm not well. And she's like, but you need to go. And I was like, you, NASA. I was like Robinson was right. And anyway, that's how

I'm ashamed to have thought that But that's Farage. I'm going to write a letter to Farage. So anyway, I finished there. And then I'm like, to my friend, we were supposed to be writing together. And I was like, look, I got to go home. Get a black taxi stray home. At home, I literally crawl because the whole way back in taxi and just try not to puke.

So I just have to scramble up like a little squirrel up a tree up my stairs to the toilet, into the toilet on all fours. Just getting sick. So much that I get so. Dehydrated. What was it in this coffee? Huh? What coffee that?

Just fucking some... Sionized? Some smelly, yeah, some smelly like Pret, middle class, poisonous shite, you know? And it was just, I think maybe in my Irish genetics just had enough of Pratermanje. They were just like, no more of this Protestant shit.

Right? You'll be ill for a week. No more. So anyway, the IRA within me was just like, we will not drink any more of this shape. We will take a stand. ulcer says no um i don't know i mean paisley there

but anyway so anyway it goes up to my I'm up on the the floor on my toilet just fucking retching but gets to a point where I try to have pan at all water everything I put in straight out everything in straight out there's no keeping anything down

it's dangerous it sounds like rabies huh sounds like rabies it might be rabies man it could have been rabies but I swear to god I start getting a pain in my stomach that I I'm not, I have never experienced pain like it in my whole life. I, I, if you right then and there were like, you'd load a gun, you're like, do you want me shooting head? I say, blow my fucking brains out.

I swear to God, blow my head straight off. Get me out of existence. This is shocking. And then I would stand up and I could barely walk because I was so dehydrated forever than that came out of me. And I was literally started moaning like this. Swaterling. You said that's the exact noise.

you made when a cow came. That is the exact same impression. I became an orgasmine cow. I became a cow who was really happy. No, so I'm just moaning like this. And then my roommate Lisa is there. She's an Irish musician who lives on our top floor. Kind of rules the house.

We call the top floor the Kremlin. And she's like, there's a cow orgasm in. Yeah, she thinks there's a cow coming. So she's just like, got to go watch that. So she comes down. And I just said to her, I was like, I was like, I said,

I was like, Lisa, call an ambulance. I can barely, I was literally holding myself up by the walls. I can't walk. I'm dying.

I think I'm genuinely, I think I'm dying. The pain in my stomach, lads, I literally started, I started like, just crying. I was just like,

I don't know what's going on me. Like I actually fucking just tears from the pain. Then I rang my mother. I like to get her as worried as I can. So I'm like, she can do nothing to help. No. But just ruin her afternoon as well.

Completely. I text my mother like, do you know what's funny? One of our favorite comics, I think, probably all of us here is Norm MacDonald. And for 10 years, he had cancer and he told none because he didn't want to burden people. He didn't want people to look at him differently. Like the bravery of it, the just, I don't know, the manliness.

I'll text my mother of I'm cold. I genuinely will sometimes. I'll just be like, I'm really cold in the house. She'll be like put on a jumper. I'll be like, no. You know what I mean? I'll just want her. I just want her to be worried about me.

So anyway, I swear to God, I call her up. And I'm just like, I'm dying. She's like, what's going on, Mike? I'm dying. It's like, you know, that down. And then my phone is like, you know, I'm not looking at it for a while. She ends up having to ring Vittorios, who was in, who was in Sicily at the time and just being like, where's Mike?

He said he's dying. It was like my poor mother like, right? I just had it, honestly. I just had a moment where I'm so glad our mum's on here. Just so I could never get the... Hello, love. Where's I had to? Yeah.

Brilliant. That's not... That's an issue I never have to worry. You get a podcast button, probably. Yeah, she calls, but it's later. Oh. For sex? For sex up her...

For bum sex. For sex up her asshole. Nope. All right, okay. That's enough. That's enough of that. No, you don't get. Eddie, he's saying, Dan bums your mum.

Up, up the chuff. Straight up. She watches this. Straight up until he... She watches the cock-up, ass. What news to him? Carl, you've got in trouble with this before. You always had that little extra layer and she has to...

Yeah. What was I to? She's fearing with you. So, anyways, so I'm in there. I call my mother, and now I'm just writhing. Now the other two roommates, I have two other girls who are just living my house. they've all just come to like the frame of my door

and I'm in there just like a Victorian mental patient just like and they're just like there's a Spanish girl she's like okay stop doing this you know what I mean

she's just kind of a nod she thinks that woman from behind the toilet door yeah she's coming to you house can you leave this one now please she followed me knocking

you need to go now we need to use toilet so they're all like looking at me and they're just like what's going on and I can't help it I suffer

very badly anyway. Like I don't have any dignity with a hangover. I'm just like, do you know what I mean? I've no real resilience or strength. I need everyone to know I'm suffering. So anyway,

eventually the paramedics arrive. So the ambulance, they come up. I won't even go downstairs. I've convinced myself I'm like tiny tim in a Christmas, that I can't walk.

Like I'm just like, I can't walk. So the Australian guy, two Australian paramedics come up and they're just like laughing because usually they're probably coming to someone who's, you know,

been stabbed 17 times or whatever. whatever, and they're coming up to just this lad with a tummy ache, just, hmm. So I'm there like that, and they're like, Mike, you're all right, that I'm fucking worried. And it seemed like they were higher or something, because they were both just laughing and giggling.

They're like, Mike, fucking relax it's all right. We're going to take some blood. You're going to be okay. I was like, I won't be okay. And then I looked at them, and I swear to God, it just goes, give me morphine. Give me fucking morphine right now. I swear to God, I've never felt pain like this.

I don't know what childbirth feels like this is way worse. Women are full. Oh, this is pain. I swear to God, I go, give me fucking morphine. They're like, mate, they're like, that's full, like, when things are, like, really serious. It's just like, just take your time.

It's going to be all right. We'll get you, sort of, I say, give me fucking morphine. It's like, right, how would you rate your pain from one to ten? I was like, 10, 10, 10, 11, $50,000. Give me the fucking heroin, you Aussie kinds. I mean, for that. But so they're like, look, relax, mate. We'll search in the ambulance.

And then one of the guys takes out, like, some big fucking needle thing to put in my arm. of God goes, wow, well, mate, this is the wrong fucking needle. He goes, oh, fuck you're right. And then he goes, I swear to God, he goes, oh, fuck you're right. He goes, he goes, mate, you're really fucked up there. He's just, oh, fuck, I know, I did.

And I was just like, this is fucking crazy. This is how you get an ambulance in half an hour. You get the paramedic crew that no one wants. That's not a crew, yeah. Yeah, that's actually going to be four hours for an ambulance stove, but I've got two Australians and a van if you want them. And they're a good laugh. So, anyway, so the boys bring me down to the ambulance.

I get like my roommate like this literally like like carries me down and I'm, then we get into the ambulance and I just like morphine is like mate we're gonna fucking sort chair it's gonna be all right

is like this might make you feel a bit nauseous but you feel a bit better he's just like we're gonna give you a little bit so they fucking transplant into the veins fucking

oh unbelievable now we're having fun now it's one of the best nights of my life now now I'm in this fucking I'm like

Mads, where are we going? They're like to the hospital. Any pain? Is the pain just gone immediately? No. So I still have a little bit in my stomach, but you're just like kind of the rest of your body is this body eye. And you're just kind of like, oh, fucking noise.

Even I, I had to get sick a little bit still, but I just didn't even, it was kind of fun. I was like, whoa, a bit of fuky, pukey. So you're like that. And then they were just thought, how you feel, mate? But I was like, you know, I want another bit. So I was just like, oh, my tummy is still hoat. A little bit of hoat.

to my stomach so then rock will give you another bit hit me another bit now Lucy in the sky

with diamonds I'm fucking absolutely happy as a clam just fucking you know what I mean Jim Morrison went on true

to the other sad just fucking deadly they bring me in then to the whole A&E place and they just put you

on a bed in a hall because like you know there's a big huge waiting list there's people are coming in with fucking

axes in their heads and running around. Just, it's chaos in A&E in London, near where I am. So I'm just lying on the bed and my roommates with me, but I'm just, now you're just coming in and out of conscience and it's just like, and it's just fucking sick. You're like, this place is, like, hospitals are class, you know, you're like, this is fucking so nice. If you're on heroin. If you're on heroin, it's like, and it smells nice. You're like, this place is just fine. I should come here just.

My spells don't smell nice. But, lad, when you're on heroin, brother, I could have literally been up big John's arse, and I would have felt like, this is smells unbelievable. Yeah, that clean smells audible, I think. Yeah. But so anyway, eventually, so about, I'm there for like hours. And one of the Aussie paramedics actually, I'm in the hall, comes back to like check in on me at a point. Just like, Mike, he's like, we're just popping in with another guy.

Just said, I can't see if you're all right. I'm like, I'm great. Oh, you're fucking good lead, Mike. And I don't think he knew my name, but I felt like that's always like, boy, he was cool. And then eventually, I would say five hours. later, I'm in the bed and this kind of, this nurse comes up beautiful, nurse of

colour, not that that matters, but she was and it's good to see. Nurse of colour. And it's good to see. Why not? It's also common to see? Yeah, yeah. But I'm just to let you know. And she was the doctor of colour, I'm just saying it's just, it's just mad what's going on now.

And so she was a doctor, that's right. But so she comes over and she's like, right, I just have to like check you out here and she's like feels my stomach's like it's their pain there and I'm like yeah there's a lot of pain you know and I'm not in bed and she's like right well look they basically just in A&E

have to see if you're going to die and if you're not going to die here are some drugs and fuck off right so then she's like look we're going to get you some pain killers and I'm kind of like opium in them she's like yeah there'll be the codeine ones you can take them for the next few days it'll coat it down

and I'm like okay that's good and then she's like feeling my stomach And then she looks at my chart and she's like, right, the doctor says you've been to the doctor because you've got blood in your stool and stuff, like in your shit and everything. Did you know what I meant by stool? Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. I just thought.

None of us were surprised, though. Everyone mentioned it. Yeah, that sounds like Mike Rice. But so there was blood in my stool. So she's like, so I am going to have to do a rectal exam. And they put like, you know, medical terms. so I'll have to stick my digit up your rectal passage or whatever. And then I was like, right, okay.

And then... But you should let you clean first. Oh, this is, this is it! It was like Piccadilly Circus down there. I was like, the Book of Mormon was playing down there. I was like, I can't. I don't know what I mean? You're like, you can't just go down there now.

It's not looking, you know what I mean? It's not at its best. Because my arse is like, it's Beirut. It can't be the worst asshole she's ever seen if she's a bum doctor. He's just been shitting and being sick all day. Yeah, it's not going to be good, is it? But, like, I just think, you know, that you're not going to be memorable.

It's arrogant to think you're going to have a memorable asshole. I think you're all going to remember it, though, aren't you? But you're self-conscious. It's just your self-conscious. You're just like, I want, if some girl is going down to, you know, have a face-to-face with my arson. You want your arson looking well. You want your arsewold, putting best foot forward. But if your asshole looked well, why would she ever need to look at it?

but I'm not thinking true this logically you're just like I don't want her to see my wrecked hole okay I tell you what's never happened in that woman's life at any point in her job has she ever gone down as looking at an asshole and gone do you know what? I don't know why you're here this looks fucking brilliant impeccably

ace that means hey lads get a photographer down here I don't usually kiss him but oh that is a smart Are you getting a trainee nursing? Look at this. Anyone comes in with an asshole like this?

You send them on their way. Get them a lollipop, you know? They've been brushing that asshole well. Where'd you put it? But so she says to me on it. But the problem is, so she's like, right, I got to give you this rectal exam and I'm just like, oh, fucking hell.

Right, okay. And then the thing is, there's no, like, spare rooms in A&E, so she just has to, like... What are you going to say in your ass? There's no spare room. She figured you're an ass in the alley. It's stuffed with all sorts of

She's like, I've got to give you this rectal exam. And then she handed you an exam paper and all the questions who are about to be in that. A plus. So she's just thinking you should ask her. No, so then, so then the thing is, there's no, there's no room to go into. So then she just has to like,

she's like, right, I'm just going to wheel you down here. So it's just another person. place in a hall and then she has to get this guy. No, no, Mike, you can't get fingered in the corridor. Listen, Dan, you don't want to get fingered in the corridor. That's certainly what you don't want to do. But so, anyway, so she goes, right,

we're just going to wheel you down here and she's like, but then there was another, this really cool looking doctor like fucking chains and everything, musly guy who I'd seen every on in the day and was just like king. King at the hospital, like he was just, he had like, he was really cool he was back he was really cool and uh yeah i thought enough color but he was he was just like i was like i'd seen him before turn the night and i'm like because he was just like he's like dan now you know what i mean he just like i love that some people like i don't see color

and mike is desperately trying to tell us that he sees it at every turn god jesus christ no i'm just saying this guy he was handsome he was raped he you know anyway but but i'd seen him about and was like whoa that's a fucking and you're a doctor that's cool man but then she was like he was coming she's like oh hey whatever's name

was Brian or there she's like Brian she's like I need a witness because they need someone to come watch to make sure that I can't turn around

and be like she goose me like I was wanna you know Prince Andrew or whatever that I can't you know what I mean

that I can't go huh surely there's plenty of witnesses well no they bring you down to this kind of little corner of it

but like she needs like him to have eyes on but I don't know if that's a thing or else maybe David deal together where he's like

you know anytime your fucking finger and give me a... Give me a shout. Have you been fingered done yet? No, I'm finger-free, but I'm starting to think I want to go private because I don't think the corridor

sounds great. Well, so anyway, I was thinking, surely they're going to get me in a gown, dress me up in a kind of a nice little frock or something. You know what I mean? It's a finger, yeah. Yeah, well, brother, surely you're going to treat a little fella nice

before you go down. down on them. But anyway, they literally put me in this against this wall. And I just stare like in my like normal, like kind of traxy bottoms and stuff. And she's like, right, just turn over and pull your pants down. And this guy's watching on. And he's just kind of watching this cool rip guy. And you know, he's just like, gay.

Like he's just, do what I mean? He's just watching like going to bully me. Do you what I mean? Just like, gay. So he was there looking on. So next thing anyway, she's like, right. I'm going to do it now. She fucking.

straight up and, uh... What does it feel like? More, further. It feels like there's a finger in your ass. Is that what it feels like? But I've had stuff like that before, you know, there's been people kind of... A full finger, though?

Playing fucking high... You know, there's been a bit of hygiene down there. A full thing, like, this is surely going, like... But she also... Knuckle deep. I've had a girl's finger knuckle deep. You can only really feel a tip, though,

and it feels like you've got like a marble up your ass. Have you had a marble up your ass? No, but I... To figure it up as that, you know what it feels like? Yeah. When they touch the inner of your asshole with their tip, that's all you feel. That's what you feel. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's like, as soon as they go in, you're like, oh, just sitting in my asshole. Yeah. But as soon as they touch the wall. It's like that's where it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? So I'm like, but that's the only bit you can feel.

And that's about marble size, isn't it? So it's like you've got a marble you need to peer out. Small more. Like, I can only... What? Nice, though. Yeah, I thought honestly I've added like little bits

and Bob's bits of work done up there before but this was the first time like a real professional and oh my God I was like because you think about it you know you're getting fingered on heroin and like I felt like Whitney Houston or something you're what I mean like

and I will always love you She was not singing, yeah? Do you reckon she was ever in bed smacked off her tits getting fingered thinking, I feel like an Irish woman of stymie. I feel like Mike Royce

in a London A&E, you know. Did they find anything in your ass? No, no, she stuck it up there now and she had a little poke around and your man was fucking licking his lips rubbing on. And then, and then she came out and she said, no, it's all right. I was like, all right.

Cool. And then they put me back, but it had been so nice. And then just a little while later, I was just again, I was in the corridor and I was kind of like, do you know, my bum is sick again. It's an emergency. There's nothing up my arse. I'm looking at my arse. It's empty. My bum is sick again. My bum is sick again. Please come see my bum. So, uh, so anyway, I end up going out to give me a load of like heroin for the next few days. And so I just in bed. I had like, I had like, like, a couple of days in bed where I was literally just can't really remember the days. Like I was just fucking in and out like, like, you know what I mean? Just like, and it was fucking nice and cozy. It's like kind of like being inside like your mother's womb again.

And so it was really nice. And then, but then I started to convince myself that I've been sick so much this year. So I was like, my immune system must be fucked. And then I got my head. Why would my immune system be fucked? And then I was like, oh, I have, I've HIV. I've AIDS. I was convinced myself.

It got in my head. I was like... Is it not all the Pringles? Huh? It's either HIV. Have you been tested? Well, so here's the thing. At that time,

I hadn't, like, for a good while. And then, like, I have had, like, this year, I have been more probably on the hoary side than other years. And I was like, in my head, I was like, you haven't worked on this amount of time.

you're just, you fucking idiot, you've got AIDS, you've got AIDS now, unless you keep getting sick, you're going to die soon. So I just got it in my head and then... It's good for awareness this. Like, genuinely, because I think there's still a common misconception that HIV is just for the gays and it's not. It's not. It's everywhere. No, no. It's everywhere.

So I just got this in my head and I was literally panicking because I've taught you since, because you're a hypochondriac. You get things in your head and... It's good, actually. Go this. This is good. Mike having full-blown AIDS is good. It's awareness. This is great.

Yeah, we'll lose, Mike, but we'll learn so much about AIDS. But so, it's for the straights and the Irish. White. Well, I, so I got this in my head and I was, like, kind of, like, panicking over and stuff. So I sent out for, like, whatever day, a little test kit and everything. But I was on a date between that test kick going out and then and then. So I was on a date with a girl. And I canceled the date the week before because of that.

had AIDS because I mean, that's a good cancellation, isn't it? I'm going to have to delay this because I might have HIV. Well, the thing is, the week four day and E thing was why I cancelled. So then when I was on the date, we're out, this nice kind of a wine bar and, and I was chatting to her, I was like, yeah, I got sick. I was like, I keep getting sick this year. I keep getting sick. And she was like, oh, why did you think that is?

And I was like, well, I have a theory, but I don't think I should bring her up. And then, and then she goes, no, she was like, just, why do you get into it? And then I was like, I think I might have AIDS. And I swear to God, in my head, I thought, I thought in my head that she would just be like, no, obviously you don't, you're just paranoid. Or she might think it was maybe interesting or, you know what I mean? You're not hearing that every day.

So, but I just thought it kind of be a good, like, kind of icebreaker. Yeah, conversation starter, like we could, it'd be a bit mad and it'd be a bit fun. But she literally just goes, what and just looked at me like that and immediately i was like that is insane that i said that like that is such a crazy thing it's so crazy so then i'm trying to like you know make it better so i'm just no no i probably don't you know as i probably don't you should say no no but i can't say that now because i've already said that i think i do like she's not playing the game now the the gates are closed aren't they sure well yeah but so then i goes no i probably don't and she's like

right okay and it was this awkward thing and honestly We could have had one more drink and just said, all right, let's see you then. I'll see another time. But I'd already booked Crazy Golf. So. It's even crazy with AIDS. Yeah.

So now we have to go play Crazy Golf. And she still play Crazy Golf. Well, she did. She didn't enjoy it. Can't get AIDS playing Crazy Golf with someone who's got AIDS. I don't think that. And I probably... That's a hate crime.

That's great for awareness. Yeah. Great for saying that. That's going to help the AIDS community and the crazy. crazy golf community. God, we're really so progressive. I probably should have gotten a big handicap going into it

but, um, you know what I mean? Considering. But anyway, so. Bulligan, because you got AIDS. You gotta give me a shot on every old. I've got AIDS. But you know what? I'll be honest. We went and it was, it was true. It was really bad because it's like crazy golf for one thing is shite regardless, I

think. And I realized that when I was there. And it was like a Friday night, so there's all these work parties playing. It's one of those things, isn't it? That every time you think about it when you haven't played for a few years, you go, why don't I do that all the time? And on a hole four, you're like, oh, it's shite. And I can't go back now, because there's three people, there's three groups behind me, we've got to play the 18 here.

I'm in the middle of a course and there's no escape. It's so shit. There's never like a little, oh, done early, are you? Take this left. That's right. After the case you go, if you just leave, you don't talk about it again. Yeah. Just like, you did that, yeah.

Yeah. It was, it was terrible. We had to wait in line for every hole because there was these work parties. And then there was, like, people like right in front of us just making out and stuff that were drunk and basically

and then I was kind of looking at her like and she was looking at the ground and then because we just had like just like like a fucking evil hawk looming over us the spectre of AIDS

was kind of just looming and then my putting was way off like you know what I mean the whole thing had just got in my head so my mind I was like McElroy

you know what I mean crumbling under pressure have you got AIDS Mike huh have you been tested So I got tested then The test results came back Well so at the end of the day

I anyway And to be fair And this is she was a lovely girl There's nothing here And I don't think anyone listening things Anthony was her fault It was my fault for saying And such a crazy thing

But there's no real chemistry She was yawning in a bit During the crazy golf I remember which hurt my feelings And also I thought If anything, all right Listen I've not played a perfect hand here But if one thing

You know Go and playing crazy golf with an AIDS victim is surely not boring do what I mean? Maybe an ex had AIDS and she's like oh this again

this old story again so anyway at the end no and this is just the male condition of like just self like self talk

lying optimism I was in the toilet after and we're kind of leaving and I was like maybe he's she does want to go back to the house. And I get in my head and I literally prepare like, I'm like, right,

how will I just like make the move here and I'll say, well, I'll say to her is because I haven't been drinking either so I am quite self-conscious, you know? So I go and I'll say is, hey, do you want to go back and watch the traitors back in my house? The traitors was on at the time.

Great show. She likes the traitors. And so we're walking out back and it's just so mad when I think about because there was no indication she would want to, you know what I mean? but it's just a man just fuck it

you know what I mean closed mouths don't get fed take a swing so you know Is that one saying huh just mix

all sorts of shit but so I just I blurts it out like I I says to her yeah yeah do want to go back

back to mine and watch the traitors I kind of ran it out because I was just nervous saying it and then she was just like and do you know what I mean because she's being nice

so she just goes and she didn't want to just say no obviously I don't you've said you've AIDS so she goes she just goes oh no no I've started seeing someone I was like since I was in the toilet what a mad excuse

I know but she just I'm married yeah but she just basically didn't want to do you know Dwayne just didn't want to just say no and panics like no I've been seeing someone started seeing someone

and I was like all right yeah fair enough, that makes sense why we would do this whole charade. I hope you kept the scorecard. You do not give that bitch a scorecard if she is already seeing someone behind your back. Right. Yeah.

Did she beat her? Oh, I did, yeah. And I was off my game as well and I told her that. You've got beaten with me at 15% there. And possibly riddled with an autoimmune virus. So I hope you feel good about yourself. Have you found out what it is?

No, so I've got a colonoscopy coming up next week so they're going to stick a camera up there in the middle of your tour that's just ideal in it Welsh are lucky it's got to be

sorted out but I do believe I wouldn't be surprised if I'm if I'm dead in six months genuinely it would not surprise me how'd you feel Mike huh

because you look well that's because I got this this haircut yesterday which was its own I don't think a haircut covers AIDS up well sure it doesn't hurt though does it it doesn't it doesn't make it worse but no I do feel tired all the time I do believe my time is nearly up um there's look like you've got AIDS no that's a very

kind thing say and if anyone in the room if we were going to look at for that it probably would be you now Dan um but nothing wrong with that either hey listen could you not die before the arena show on 20th of December I'm going to try stay alive for that and that'll be my good I like, kind of like Freddie. Have we, have we told them yet? No. Announcements. Guest announcement number two.

Michael Rice is joining us again, isn't he? Nice. Get tickets. It might be his last ever show. It could be my, it'll be like Freddie Mercury's last concert kind of thing. Live AIDS. Yeah. You're going to sing who wants no further.

Now that's good gravy. Come on. Forever. That's a bit of fun. Have a word pod.com. for the final, I think there's like 250 tickets left. Just get them because it makes it. Yeah, it's going to be fucking class.

I'm glad you don't have AIDS. Thank you, brother. Make sure you get the footage from the colonoscopy subtitle. That's what Vittorio would do, so you know. He would try to monetize it, yeah. It's a little bollocks. I'll bring him up and I have a word section now. I've got a few bones to pick.

All right. Let's have a break and then we'll come back. Nice. Mike you're on tour at the moment that's right and you've got some fucking ticky wikis to sell oh that's good um Liverpool actually I'm here on the fucking

27th 27th I think 27th 27th November 27 November I'm in Liverpool so I'm in hot water there's still a couple of tickets left for that so grab them and then and then in fair I think most other shows are sold out but then in February I'm doing an extension

where I mean Exeter, Portsmouth, London again. Dublin, we've added a second show as well on Vickers Street. Salford. Will you rattle out a few there?

Salford, yes. So next for Manchester. February, so Northampton, Cambridge, Guilford, Norwich, Lester, Salford, Birmingham, Bristol, London, Donagall, Cork, Waterford, Kildare, Limerick, Dublin, Dublin, Dunn, Go away,

Belfastkelkenny, Kenney, Kansbury, back. Sick! Extra Bellfet shows been added, Mandela Hall, extra Dublin shows been added, Vickers Street. Street was my dream.

That was the only dream I had in stand-up, but I had a little fucking A4... Is that because of Dillamore and Monster? Dillamore Monster. I saw Tommy Tiernan there when I was young. Dillmore Monster is one of the greatest specials ever. And in fact, I'm thinking of shooting a special there. Oh, class.

That would be sick. How you, you've done a... You've obviously done it with the podcast, yeah. Yeah. Not a stand-up. Yeah. When's that? So that's the 14th to March

And that's just sold out So we added 13th to March So we're busy dead Yeah You sold out your dream venue Yes Another date Yeah I'm fucking

Yeah I'm absolutely buzzing Absolutely Yeah So now that's it I've kind of done everything I wanted to do So I can go back And you can die now

I can And that's the thing Because I am due to die About a month after That's really well timed So it's perfect time That's special when it goes out posthumously

Yeah Yeah Is gonna do really well Oh, lad. I mean, we'll be sad, but it'll get views. Victoria would love it. Yeah, yeah, no, he'll milk it for all this word. Where's the, what's the website?

Let's give him the proper pot. Mike Ricecom. Yes. Get tickets on there. Be great to see lids. Mike, we're going to do Have a Words. Yes. Nice.

Only I dance. No, only I may do the dance. Damn it. Mike, have you got a, a little have of wordies. So this is something that happened. This is something that happened yesterday. I just loved to hear your views on this.

So went for a haircut. Me and Vittorio were going for a haircut. And he was getting a hair cut. Sorry, mate. And we can never do that. Me and Carl do. Also, you can. You've got a beard.

You can get a little beard trim. That's good. Good a day. Sorry, to interrupt Josh, who is our hair guy, who does the arena? It was like, does that one of his beard doing? Because he didn't want it last time. he wants to do you be

also we've got a special recording coming up next week and I think I'm dying it oh yeah oh nice oh yeah Elizabeth that's all I'm okay so we're going for this haircut

but he he's in before me he's booked in for 10 I'm booked in for 1045 so we've got the same hairdresser but we're away from we're away from London where we both live so it's not our usual hairdresser

but we've chose to go to this place. And so anyway, he goes down getting his hair cut and I come down after when his hair cut's nearly done. And he looks a bit miserable, V-O, in his little chair. He's kind of, kind of like frown and looks like he's chewing on a wasp. But then I said, you know, he's rarely that he's that happy. So I'm like, whatever. So he's sitting there and whatever.

He gets off, he comes over and fucking pays for thing. Then he's like, he's going off shooting a thing for telly. So he has to fuck off. So he's like, right, I'll see you later. You know what I mean? From Delfast. Anyway, Oh, the troubles.

Oh, isn't it really hard? It was a bit of fun. Shut up. Now, it was a bit of crack. And some great TV has come out with a bit of gratitude. Now, I, so anyway, so,

V-O, who was a dear friend of mine, so Vito heads off. And then I sits down for this haircut. Do you know when you're like, do you know when you're like 10 seconds into haircut and you're like

this guy doesn't know what he's doing like hasn't a clue what he's doing like the way he touches your head and then he chopped it so he goes all right he's like what you want mate and I was like just one on the sides

blended in after he started huh what is it what's you are like I've got haven't you got a regular barber yeah he said that

they weren't in London oh sorry yeah sorry yeah we're not in London that's the thing No one ever needs a haircut that... No, what are they just waiting? It's never that necessary. No, but the thing was,

I had seen pictures of myself. I'd done a show on Glasgow on Saturday and I got to still pictures and I was looking so fucking raggedy. Like such a fucking smelly cave, man. I was like, I have to fight. Why, in one of the biggest shows I've ever done? Could I not look fucking good?

I looked like a fucking smelly smackhead. Right, I'm going and getting me out of hair cut. Fuck it. How hard is it to do as well? All I want is just a one on sides blended scissors on top. Easiest fucking thing. Haircut 101. Did you say that before he started?

I told him. I said one on side scissors on top. This, like... Are you laughing a lot? He's then he finished. Do you know, have you ever... Have you had this? I just want to know because to me, honestly,

first off, the haircut takes 55 minutes. This hair cut, this haircut, for one thing, should take a good bar... It's 15 minute cut. It's such a simple fucking haircut. It's not that. long since I've had a cut. It should be grand. He spent, I swear to God, half an hour of the 55 minutes, just combing my hair. Just in this weird, like, fucking Lenny for mice and men with rabbits.

Just combing it, and then he combs it to. The voice. Then it combs it to the left. Yeah, that's a perfect Lenny for mice men. So, it's not rocky. Same head. It's not about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you get hit. Get back up and keep going. So, yeah, but you've killed that, Lenny. She couldn't get back up, that poor girl. Lenny gave her the old one too, and she couldn't get back up.

Great, great fighter, Lenny. So people talk about Ali Fraser. No one talks about Lenny and that tardy killed. If you haven't read Mousin, man, I'm sorry. Anyway. Spoilers. Kelly's wife. Yeah.

Boy, those are nice to me. And, you know, that's my GCCC driven. Also, I'm not using sexist language with tart. They call her tart in the book. Yeah, she wears red,

which means she's a super slag. She's a super slag, yeah, yeah. We literally have taught that in school. We genuinely did. What does this mean? She got red on. Love's cock. Yeah, and then we're like,

Miss, Miss Gereate. Geerite. Love's co, woman. Also, you did Lenny's voice, so I don't think the color of the dress and what you think about that is the problem. I think you're all right. Also, we had shared books in school,

so you get your book, page one, George kills Lenny. Bosch. You're right on the front. It's dumb. Come on. You shared bucks. All over the glasses.

Now, you're half ruined it. So, anyway, I'm there with this guy. He's spending most of the time just comb my hair. And what he did was himself, then he would wet my hair, not cut it, and then he would dry it again. And he was just,

this man would do antim but work. If there was work in the bed, he'd sleep on the floor. one of the just just literally smoking mirrors just dancing around my head for an hour he doesn't even cut

he doesn't even blend the one properly into the beard he doesn't cut jumping up it around your ear there's like a little tyre mark around my ear of hair here it was fucking crazy and I booked in for a beard as well and he's like what you want me to do to beard I'm like you're not going here my fucking beard you fucking lunatic

but he was a young lad like so I was like I get it people have to learn how to do these things did you tip him are you fucking joking me he's looking in fucking nothing they don't lane literally on the job but that's what I'm saying

like I understand I've been shit at jobs I have empathy for people I felt when I was younger doing jobs and I'm shit at this it's a terrible feeling and it's whatever but I can't pay 30 pounds

for you to dance around my head like a ballerina for an hour Mike is this a have a word huh yeah because Vittorio didn't I text him after I was like, was that, was that fucking hairdresser? Was that not the worst hairdresser?

He's like, oh, yeah, it was fucking terrible. He's like, it was awful. Like, he, he just kept brushing my hair. And I was like, why did you not tell me that after you got out with the chair? Did I die together? How is, how is the one accent you can't do, the other Irish one? Eh, eh, eh. It sounds Indian.

You're trying to get me to do Indian, and I nearly fell into it, because I, I'd love to do it. But, so he, he knew your man is, that's what I'm saying. I came in and I go to him, was that not terrible? He's like, oh, yeah, he's like, he had no clue what he's doing. He just kept brushing my hair like as a horse. And I was like, and I was like, and then I was like, right, yeah. And I was like, why did you not warn me that?

He's like, oh, there's no time. And I was like, what do you mean? There's no time. He's like, you just let me sit there for an hour, getting my head raped, which is what happened. I'm sorry to say that. It felt like that. It was one of the worst hours of my life. Every second was tors. Don't someone's just like cutting into your head. They having a clue what they're doing. I don't know what this is like. You're never a bad haircut. No, since I was 17. Yeah. Two men ever. Right. I've cut my hair. No, three. Okay. Yeah. Right. So there's not,

it's no surprises with your hair cause. When I lived in West Arby, I used to go to the barbers in West Arby. When I eventually moved into the city center, I didn't want to be driving to I'll starve every time I want to the haircuts. So I started going to the place I go soon now, where Carl gets his done. My barb is called Josh. The lad in the chair. Next room's called Rory. If I ever can't get Josh for whatever reason, and I need a haircut, I get Rory's to do it.

Well, look. If neither of them are available, you're not getting your haircuts. I'm not getting my haircuts. And when they both die, I'm just going to grow it out. Yeah. Lad, listen, your point stands. I'm now going to adopt this level of kind of commitment. and totalitarian view of hair cut,

this is the way it is. Because I honestly was one of the, it was genuinely one of the, worst hours in my life. When you know that someone just doesn't know, anyway, it was shocking. But my point is, Vito goes, he's like, well,

how could I have told you? He's like, what you mean? Pull me aside and just be like, hey man, don't. Were you both in the barbers? Yeah. No. So did you swap over?

He can't go out of a shy. So he got up pays. Me and him have a little chat. He's leaving. right, see, lad, says nothing, knows I'm going straight to this guy. He stood... I don't know whether he can.

Of course he can. All he has to say is... I don't know whether he can. No, no, hold on. If that's a doctor that's after fucking taking one of your kidneys out. But it isn't, is it? Yep.

But, but, but... Do you know what I mean? If he takes the wrong kidney out, then you die. If he gives you a bad haircut, you just look like this for a bit. Right, no. But this isn't... This is it fixed. Now...

This is it fixed. this shit hair cut is it fixed me look I had to go to a Turkish and I swear to God I walked into the Turkish barbers and he just looked at me and he goes you want me to fix it and I was like yeah yeah I'd love have you fixed it he's like I fix it at the end of it and he was like

and the Turkish barber and it felt like being in the hands of an old lover after that you know what I mean because the Turkish he's just so it just the certainty of his hands just felt so fucking nice. No, but how does Vito not just pull me aside there and just say,

because he's right in front of the guy? Yeah, it's a fence. Also, what I will say is sometimes you just want a friend to share your misery. And the best example I've got of this, which we must have said before, when I was learning to drive, me and Carl both learned to drive

very late in life. Right. Mid-20s, we were. Okay. Right? So I was like, I'm going to start learning to drive. I've got me provisional. I need to get some lessons booked in. And Carl was like, you've got to go with John. I'm learning at the minute he's fucking great

John is brilliant right so I was like I'll sign up with John class so I booked him with the same driver instructor Carl lad and I blocked 20 lessons

which is what Carl had done and after one lesson I went Carl this man's insane in his shit at his job and Carl was like yeah I wanted someone to talk about it

if you gave me a yellow and a green crayon right now I could draw you his breath and then the colours you need we both passed though

third time that was not that was on the examiner the first time that was it both of them were the examiner yeah

I should have been the first time passer the examiners were cuns well okay so no one's on my side that he should have oh no I think

you should have yeah no you die together yeah but what but I have to spend an hour now sitting there

being just so what would you have done if you told they're gone by the way lad he's fucking oh yeah I would have just been like

Lads, sorry, I'm after getting a text there, I can't do it. It's easy. Pointing on a non-apple watch. Oh, that's up. This Casio's really comfortable. This Casio said that you cut shit theirs. But you would say that, wouldn't you? You just go, it's easy.

What's a moment of awkwardness to not get a terrible haircut and sit there for an hour? And here's the thing. I says it to Vito goes, why didn't you warn me? And if he just said what you said and just said, ah, look, I just wanted to share the misery. Also, when he's getting his hair cut. I was making mean videos about getting his hair cut. And I was just like, look at this stupid fucking bastard. Look at this fucking clown.

And he was sitting there. And if he just said, now, you were taking the videos and he taught you're funny. So I let you walk into a bad haircut. Then we're fine. And I'll be like, yeah, just be honest. But he tries to say, oh, there is just no way I could do it. There's no way because of like the Jerry Adams. You know what I mean?

I was like, what? There was a way. I just admit, you let me walk into a foot. You let me be Shanghai. I think I'd have done the same. It's funny, either? Yeah. But if you just say it's funny, then we can be fine

and just have a laugh about it. Like what you did, like you saying, just, I just wanted to talk to it. I didn't just do it to him, but then it was to another friend. You did it to know? A girl I went to uni with. It was an absolute who's had the ball,

but it was funny. But then it's just good crack. I'll give you an example of this, right? It's just admitting the thing. So me and my, me and my brother, right? My brother, all over her papa, he's always just trying

to get an advantage on things he'd always eat more of the crisps when we were younger and he'd never admit it but he'd always like we'd have pack of walkers he'd fucking go to town on him but he's always you know he's trying to get

a little bit of advantage that's fine one time we're going into this restaurant and there's the couch side and then there's the shitty side with the seat you know you want the couch side of course too so I put my jacket down I just happen to be going in first

and he just slides in behind me and takes the seat and then and I go goes, you bastard, you knew I was going to sit there. He's like, no, I didn't. I was like, do you mean you fucking didn't? You sit on him? And then he's like, I should have just sat on him. So I sit across from him and I goes,

you just took the seat from under me there. And he's like, I didn't. I didn't know you were going to sit there. You obviously did, lad. You did know I was going to sit there. And you took it. And I said, I'm not ordering food. I'm not getting anything. I refuse to live in the universe where you're asking me to believe that you didn't know I was about to sit there. And I've just

accept that that's what reality is. No, we're not getting any food till you just say it and he goes yeah I know you're going to sit there then I was like yeah just say you like ha ha ha ha gotcha yeah fuck you then it's fine but it's when you won't just say what it was

some people get off on the gaslighting though don't they that's the real joke yeah the real joke isn't taking your seat the real joke is convincing you it was never your seat to begin with gaslighten's fun that's no way to treat her brother so is to have a word can everyone just be honest huh what's

He wants us to have a way of Victoria. I wanted a word with Victoria, but you just all were just, oh, no. Well, Victoria was on, what, four weeks ago, and he came on and had to have a word about you. So are you two just going to treat have a word as bitching about each other? Honestly, I had a second one about him, but I know there's not time. No, there is. There is.

Yeah, absolutely. So I want to hear what your view on this is, right? Now, this, and I am, and I, and if you know what, if you go on his side again, I'm going to break one of the cameras. I'm going to stick my cock through each hand. picture. Now, so I will Facebook the picture of Ishan. That's what I'll do.

Right. Let me know what you think of this. A while ago, it's a good while ago. Fito gets a message or he's going to a show that Paul Meskel's in in the West End, right? And so he messages Paul Meskel, just apropos nothing, Mescal had an Instagram at the time.

Hey, big fan. I see the show was sold out. Da-da-da. It was wondering, could maybe get a tics, whatever. Mescal message is back, right? And he says, oh man, big, big fan of yours. I'll get my agent to get you tickets.

All good. Man, I live in North London as well. We should get a pint sometime and bring the big fellow with you. Love, loves the pod. Right? Big fella. I'm the big fella. That's me. That's me. Mike Big fella. So he wants to go for a pintle to us. Sick,

right? I'm like, great. That's so sick. And there was a few times it might have happened and this whole thing where we might offer a pint to him, but doesn't happen. So on weekend anyway, I'm away I'm away going to a fucking wedding in Austria, a friend of mine is getting married in Vienna. So I'm away

for the weekend. No, no worried about anything. I come back to next week, I meet my brother and the Fontaine's DC kneecap concert that happened in London and he says to me, and he says to me, oh yeah, he's like, oh yeah, I ran into Vittoria there. He was a Paul Mexico. And I was like, what?

He didn't tell me he was meeting Paul Meskell. What? We were supposed to meet Paul Meskel. And if you were going to meet him, you're surely going to tell me that you're going to meet him. You go meet him without tell... I'm the big fella. He said I'm the big fella.

He wanted me there. So... That stinks. Did he go with Paul Mesco? He organized to meet Paul. Is that like they ran into each other? They organized me. And then Vito's thing was just like, oh, I just didn't want you to get FOMO because, like,

you were already getting FOMO about the Fontaine's concert. And then I didn't want you to like, also know I was meeting Meskill. And then, but then I was like, but why wouldn't you just, why didn't you tell me then the next day? Or something, why do I have to find out from my brother that my, our beautiful prince, Paul Meskell was going to be one of the highlights my life at Mescal and who he has called deemed the big fella. Why is you like Paul Mescal? He is cool as far. He is cool.

Come on. Paul Meskell, he's on, he's, he's, he's Irish, he's young, he's hot, he's sad. What more do you want? For fuck's sake. I just don't, like, I can't imagine who this would have to be. But you have to understand as well. Yeah, who is yours? McConaughey.

Yeah. Imagine if I went for the bevy of McConaughey, he went, oh, last week, you'd be like, what? Yeah. And he organized to meet him and just didn't tell you. Yeah. And McCona is actually an event of a big fella. And you're the big fella.

And you're the big fella. you're a big fella you're a big fella nice dance yeah no joe i fully get it yeah yeah yeah mine's alan box it if you go for a pint with alan box it don't tell me oh shit i'm gonna be christ tarrant soon i got to meet lisa tarbuck oh at the start of this year we we set ourselves a challenge to meet one celebrity and we've forgot about it till the middle of novemberg well i'm spending christmas in croatia so can someone send this to chris or a son toby i need to meet chris tarrant before do yes, Eve. Was mine, Kevin Webster?

Yes. And you know what then? So, anyway, I have this big argument with Vito on the podcast. He's like, I was trying to not make... I was like, you weren't trying to do that and you're being a fucking worm, you're a weasel, you should be fucking hung,

you should have been drowned at Bert, you know, just going, A-Cham, and then I just start fucking slagging out. I'm like, fucking mess because of shit actor. I was upset, and I was saying his father is a fucking touch his kids, his sister who was his singer,

I was like, she can't sing, like a crow, fucking make your ears bleed, fucking, I was all this. Anyway, do send out the podcast, whatever. But it's all done in fun, basically. I get on the way to gig with you. The last one we did, where, where was that? Starbridge.

Starbridge. I get a voice note on my phone from just a number I don't know, and it's fucking, and I just play on here. I'm on the fucking bus who goes, how you might, Paul here, Paul Meskell, and he goes, listen, I was listening to the, listen to the pod there earlier. And he's like, listen, I'm a fan of the pod, you're a very funny guy, all this stuff. He's like, and listen, I don't want to make anxious rant.

I know, like, you know, you tend to get out towards what things, but it's just, I might run into it at some point. And the stuff about the family and everything, I just think, you know, it's a bit edgy, you know, a bit like this, whatever. But listen, I don't want you to get, and I'm sitting in the bus like this. I'm sitting in the bus. I'm sitting there like just this. Oh, fuck. I leave back a voice and I mean the most sniveling

grovelling voiceness I mean I basically turned it I basically turned into a snail and I just leaves back a voice out like this oh Paul no no no I was like lad listen I thought it was obvious that was a joke and all this stuff and I just thought

like you know it would be like funny and then I goes this is a quote I said I goes I know lad look family is sacred I said family is sacred I know I said family is sacred That's something I said Diesel

Yeah I Like that like it was fast enough For you family Family is sacred I says I goes family is sacred Lad we can cord out if you want Don't worry like I just don't

I mean I might as well It was one of the biggest displays of wormery In the history of mankind And then he sends back a message laughing And he just goes I was only messing lad to tell us fun I love Paul Mesco more

I'm trying to you right now if you ever go for an appointment with Paul Mesco without me, man, he's, I want to meet this guy And then he goes, he goes, he goes, I was only Messerman but he goes, lad, that was how to listen to it? Ah, that's audible. Yeah, oh, class. He absolutely goosed me.

He made me look at some fucking cunt. Yeah, that is beautiful. That is a podcast. No way. Brother. That was a bit of fun. We have some arena tickets left, haveawaypod.com.

Michael Rice is going to be joining us there. We've got one more guest still to be announced. But Jamie Hutchinson, Mike Rice, all the boys here. Johnny Bongo's DJing, you know, special guests. A very special musical guest. Very secret.

That is going to go off. We're so excited. And yeah, it's just going to be the nights of our lives. Of course, I'm on tour. next year, kicks off in October next year, Adamrow.coat at UK. And I'm very, very excited about that.

And... Me and Carl have booked the venue for our hip-hop night. So it'll be me, Carl, and Ishan. It's going to be... This is confirmed. We had to move the initial date. It's going to be the 14th March, the night before my 45th birthday.

And that's how you always spend the night before your 45th birthday doing a hip-hop night with your best mates. So it's going to be in Liverpool, 14th of March, the tickets will be on sale I think in the next three or four weeks we will let you know

I have a country day that's been on sale for a while on Sunday the 28th of December it's in the Gooch and there's about 20 tickets left for that they're on Skiddle the link isn't available anywhere because if you really want to come

you'll find it so fuck you little Christmas that's why it's not sold out you've got a forest you buy tickets uh go and see mike rice on tour one of all of our very favorite comedians is such a fucking amazing stand-up i'm going to be in kill kenny at his homecoming gig at the waterfront no it's the watergate i cannot wait i've literally made a trip oh come to dublin that'll be a fucking come to four feet there'll be a party after mike that is i met you what two and a half

years ago yeah i'd never seen you do stand up we'd never had you on the pod i can't think of another comic that I've already, I'm already going to Ireland to see you. Adam's thinking about doing it. There are so few comics that would make that group. Especially if he's taping a special because he's just fucking mad. Do you know Mike's the reason I drink Guinness?

I don't know many of we've ever said this on the pod. And Adam's the reason I drink Guinness. Do you know how I got into Guinness? So every year on St. Patrick's Day I used to get one and I'd try it and I'd get about as far as the harp and I'd just be like, ah, it's not for me. I met him in Dublin. We'd met once.

you came to hot water and we got you on the bill and after that I did the laughter lounge and then Holly at the laughter lounge was like, you should text and see if they'll get you on at the international just so you can go and do it play really old school room and go around there and Mike's on and he's like you're having a pint and I was like yes I'm

and we walk into this pub it's just me and him and he just goes to Guinness please love and I haven't though I don't drink Guinness and he goes if ever had it in Ireland and I went no and he went more shut your mouth try it and that was literally the international as well

particularly has unbelievable Guinness but I would just like to say as well that a huge amount of you know my tour is selling well this year and things like Vickers Street that were big dreams

coming through and a huge amount of that has come from this podcast as well and it was like a lot of year if I was waiting on breaks from the industry I would have been waiting a long time and this was a massive massive of part of my success and our podcast

success and everything so I'd like thank all you really really means a lot and it couldn't be happier to be involved and it feels fitting on after such a nice little bit of sentiment

there to have one of our own our boy Finn with his new tune which is a fucking I think this might be my favourite one of yours so far

yeah I think it's my favourite the best one for me it's called burning out I think it's definitely the most like out there one I've done so far it's a different sound

So if you've not listened to any of my stuff before, the video is going to be on after this. Is this the one where all the instruments with kitchen equipment? Yeah. It's like stomp. And also I've got my gig at Rough Trade on the 5th of December in Liverpool.

There's tickets left for that. So come and see me in the band. We're fucking good, you know. Pre-save, bare and milk. They are really. No, it'll be out. It's out now. It's out now.

Give it a listen. It's really, really, really good. And I'm only a dick because I actually think he's good. If I thought he was actually shit, I'd never tell him he was shit, Love you guys, love you, Mike. Appreciate you, Lids. Love you, brothers.

Bye. Thanks, Lidz. Bye, Lidia. You're not the one for me, still talk all day Nothing to say, haven't you heard? You got that hitting change When you can't find the words I know what you say

Two years have been gone, and I keep holding long. There'll be a day, but we'll meet again. We watched the time rush by. It went so fast that I can hardly see. Heavens you heard You gotta let it change And you can't find no words I know what you say

Haven't you heard You gotta let it change And you can't find the words It's okay, I know what you say And I don't want to waste your time Because I didn't even know my mind is this It's a heart of stress And maybe we can make it shine

And I don't see the tears in your eyes in your eyes today so let's sleep me yeah haven't you heard haven't you heard you got let it change

when you can't find the words I know what you say Haven't you heard, you gotta let it change? When you can't find more words, I know what you say. Thank you. Thank you.