Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #357 with Jessie Cave - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: December 1, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeBetter Help | https://betterhelp.com/word1010% off your first month of therapy using code Word10ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everyone, welcome to this episode of the Have a Word podcast and my God, Carl, it's a good one. We're sat on the couch for starters, mate. I know, because I'm feeling very festivey. Festivy, that's a word. Festivus is coming. It's Christmas, just around the corner. This is when we're starting to do Christmas presents. Have you started yet?

I haven't started yet, but I've thought about starting, do you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm starting to think about starting. Yeah. And if you're the same and you're a lid or if you know a lid or if you love a lid, You want to get them a nice... Such a good gift. Have a word, Christmas jumper. Such a good gift.

Paulins, Navidad. You can go with the red, the Paulints. Yeah, it's like, if you're not willing and you're loving it, it's such a good, like, it's such a nice thing to give them. And if I was going to wear a Christmas jumper, Dan, and I'll wear them when I'd be wearing it, brother. December 20th, the Haverward Arena Show, our second ever arena show. It's bigger, it's better.

It's an extravaganza of everything. Have a word. It's a Mardi Gras of fun. You'd look good in one of these. Just imagine the sea of red and blue, the city of Liverpool, split, red and blue. But it's not Liverpool and Everton. It's Wallace and Paul Inns.

What side are you? Are you excited about the arena? I genuinely, up until this is a bit of a fourth war, but we had a meeting last week. I was a bit nervous. Now, I am so excited. This shit we've got planned. It's going to blow your socks off.

We know how good it's going to be. We want you to be there. There's a few hundred tickets left. Don't miss out. We want to cram it full of. the lid army. Have a wordpod.com for all your Christmas jumpers. Have a wordpod.com for all your arena tickets. And enjoy the episode because it's going to be. It's just a hub of have a word.

Have a word. Everything have a word. Everything have a word. And the episode, Dan, we've already filmed it. It was a belter. Nice. Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the One and only have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN, the very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed, get on me.

Hello! Welcome to have a word podcast. You're a little baby there. Oh yeah. Needed it. You're a coconut man now, aren't you? I am a coconut man, no euphemism. Racism.

What? That's racism. Oh, it's a racism. What race would it be a call? I don't know. Coconut man. If you went to a race in your own, out there, that means you're associates to say to me with my coconuts.

Well, coconuts are a jib that people within an ethnic minority throw other people within for being like white on the middle. Yeah. It's a slam. They say audio now, don't they? What? They say audio. Oh, is that the new one?

Yeah. Right. So black people will say to all the black people, you're a bit of an audio you. And it means you white on the inside. So it's the modern version of Uncle Tom, isn't it? I say kindergarten. Which I think I've told you before. When I first watched eight mile, I think.

thought they were calling him future gay. He kept calling him an Uncle Tom and I thought they were men, yeah, future's a bit gay, isn't he? Lighthearted start to this episode of Have a Word that is a public episode, but sometimes we forget, because it feels very similar to a Patreon.

Sign up at patreon.com slash Applewood. Can we address that? Just get out of the way. We've got the same jump. We both shopped at Zara. Yeah, but we've both styled it differently, you know? Yeah, you've gone with a shape, I've gone with a plane T's your shirt.

Yeah, you've gone with a different color cap and totally different. Oh, we look, we look different. Yeah, that's Carl. Adam, I mean, done. Oh, okay. Nailed that one. Yeah, look, we've both got similar taste.

There's certainly, when it comes to our style, there's a crossover of the Venn diagram, you know? You just bought the same fucking jumper. Yeah, that's what he's saying. That's what I'm saying. Is that a crossover of a Venn diagram? You bit to Zara. I've never won what you're wearing.

No. Okay. So I'm saying there's no crossover. I'd wear, would I wear this? Why do we have to be fashion all the time now? No, Dan. All the time. We're just wearing the same jumper by an accent.

Let's just do that. I didn't bring a fucking thing up. He brought it up, didn't he? I never said a fucking thing. You were like, oh, yeah. Oh, you're the Venn diagram boys? With the Venn boys. The Ven Boys are coming.

What are you wearing? I wear the same thing. That was totally accent. You can't be bothered. You can't start taking fashion more seriously and then like, be like, I'm not. I'll turn up naked. No, you are.

You are. You are. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. Yeah. You look well better. Yeah, you used to look stupid. You still got some way to go. Hmm.

But you look better. Apparently, to Zara to get that jumper. It's, like, what, terniquid? It's like, it's light but warm. You know what I mean? It's a good layering piece. Mm. For the audio listeners, brown jumper.

Really unremarkable brown jumper. It's not speckled. Have you ever had an uncle Ron? He's on one of these. Is that like an uncle Tom? Oh, that's our version of it. It's a white guy who's on the side of the black people. Brown jumper, white inside.

That's me, by the way. You've been of an uncle, Ron. I'm not about you. Black on the inside. Oh, dear. You can reverse out of this, then. Weep, weep. Yeah, no, I like this.

I fancy getting something like this for yourself. I've never worn as you, like, because I never understand why you want your arms to be cold. It's the freedom that your arms. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I can point, reach. Just like, when you say something higher, I'm like, whoa! But when I'm like this, I mean, you're just fucking, get those one line, is it? No, I'm thinking again, one, just to tell you something.

My tits get chilly, my arms, fine. Oh, and I've got sturdy shins. The haiku. I've got sturdy shins. Well known for it. That's it. I'll whip the knees out. My tits get chilly, my arms, fine.

My mind's sad. My penis, quivering. My asshole. Itchy? Do you get an itchy asshole sometimes just for no reason? Not anymore. Me, do you haven't wiped properly? What do you mean anymore?

Shut up, Uncle Ron. I don't know why. It's like I would not wipe in his toilet. What do you mean? No anymore. It's like I don't wipe in my ass. Oh, I don't know if it sucks me off. I got like a TikTok advert yesterday.

like, itchy bumo. What? I got an advert on TikTok yesterday. You know, like people try and sell your stuff on the TikTok show. Yeah. And this fella come on who wins, itchy bum hole and smelly fart. It's probably got,

and I just swiped off because I was like, I don't want him diagnosing me. You know what was he selling? I don't know. That's a good start to an advert though. I'd have carried on watching. Yeah, no, I didn't want to think I had cancer ready. At everyone, isn't it at some point?

Yeah. I thought it was going to be cancer. I don't know. It's your dogs keep sniffing me, man. You got cancer. That's not an advert. It's a good game show, though. It's a sad game show.

Yeah, dogs do keep sniffing. You're like, maybe you've got a smelly bum or cancer. What would you rather have? Oh, let's close that question. Get rid of the cancer, but your bum always stinks. Oh, then I'll get rid of the cancer here. Yeah. Or just instantly, it's just gone.

Yeah. So I haven't got cancer. So to have a smelly bum old or nothing. The cancer's gone. Yeah, I think that advert's like a star sign. Do you know, like it's just throwing it out like a wide net? Like itchy bumole. What was it?

Itchy bumole, smelly farts. That's most people. You're a cancer. Star-Sides. Sagittarius. Smelly Biff. Is this a new avenue for your life? A little coconut ice latte?

Is this a new? Well, I'm a broken man. We filmed Harry Day yesterday and I crawled to Caffeineero and I wanted some caffeine and I love caffeine. I like the feeling of it. I want to feel jittery and alive, especially because I feel tired after yesterday, Harry, well done yesterday. It'll come out in January.

It's going to be fucking wonderful. It was loads of fun. It was physically fucking demanding. And I wanted some caffeine. And I wanted, what do they call it, a vehicle for the caffeine? And I do not enjoy down in horrible, burnt tasting coffee espresso. So I went weird. Coconut caramel latte?

A coconut caramel ice latte. Is it those? It's pretty good. It's pretty good. It's not the big insulin spike that was the summer Starbucks. Oh, they do loads, sir. Oh, yeah. You got a bit.

Jeez. That was some gold-strong liquid pudding. I seen you on your way into Cafhenero. I've seen you walking past the Starbucks. And I followed you. I sped up. And I got about 10 yards behind you. And I shouted,

Hello, mate. Can I have photo video, please? and you had your headphones in and everyone else in the street just looked at me and I had to just walk away. I went, oh, make a phone with you,

and you just completely ignored me and kind of morning. Which I do to everyone. Anyone I think of from Wiggin. Hello? Are you going to live with baby, Jen? You know, yesterday, so without spoiling anything,

we spent a bit of time in Wiggin yesterday for holiday. Yeah. And you... Not much. Cultural home. We were there for a bit. Yeah, a little bit.

But, and that's not really where you're from, from, is it? But, like, it feels like it is. And I wanted to ask you, because, do you know the way, like, because there was the War of the Roses, weren't there between? Oh, one of my Christmas books, Dan Jones, War of the Roses, ask for it. Was it been reading Tanzania? Black Bay. It was Lancashire against Yorkshire, won it?

Yeah. Yeah, there was beef there. Yeah. And that's why he's hate each other. And they have Yorkshire puddings and you have Lancashire pots. And that was the visionary. That was the beef treaty. You can have something

you can have no more. But is there any like inter-Lancashire beefs? Like does Preston have any beefs for the Wiggin? Oh, no, Preston Wiggin's fine. No, Wiggin Bolton. Wiggin Bolton is it? Wiggin's great to Manchester,

do you? So is Wiggin. No, they're both formed. It's old Lancashire. They're old, old Lancashire. As is Liverpool. Yeah, Boutles, Lancashire. The Blackpool Preston.

Nasty. Nasty. Nasty, mate. You'll have to put down your Candy Floss to fucking punch someone. That gets nasty. Blackburn and Burnley. Yeah.

Oh, vile. Nasty. Nasty. Is that just because of you're close? There's no other, like, you're just... It's just local town bullshit, in it? Yeah. Jorley Leland.

So what the Preston... Porn started that, by the way. What do you say about Blackpool? What's the thing that you like? Oh, yeah, you're fucking big towered cunts. I thought tower cunts as well. What do they say about... Are you donkey shaggers?

That's what you use No, they've got the donkeys on the beach Not anymore There's no donkeys in Preston, is it? They took them off years ago Oh, yeah because they fucking shag them all to death There'd be some wild don't

Donkeys in Preston? Take it, Blackpool Yeah, the wild donkeys are Preston That's where there's a free Within the city walls of Preston You're allowed to hunt donkeys They're a nightmare What's Preston infamous for?

The Guild Hall Pride There must be some criminals from Preston Oh yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah. How many donkeys would have to be on your street before you shot some of them? Three.

Three? Is that not enough? Do you need me digging house? Hang on. Is there been a bylaw password? All right, that can shoot a donkey. I think... There probably is in Chester, isn't there?

Oh yeah, you're a lad to shoot a Welshman. Yeah, just a fucking watch out, mate. Yeah, so let's say... With a crossbow, though. Let's say you just open your windows. one there, you'd open your windows, you yawn. Oh, the donkeys are back! No, so there's one donkey. There's one donkey.

And you're all like, fucking hell, who's donkey? Is that? So you're not all the neighbours, and they're all like, ah, it's not my donkey. I thought it was your donkey. And you're all like, I thought it was this donkey. Everyone's been keeping secret donkeys. I thought that was your donkey. I thought you you were a donkey owner. You're a donkey owner. Right? So I've knocked on the whole street, trying to find a donkey. know whose it is but we've got

born again Christians down the street honestly if they whipped out a donkey their decorations were I'm telling you shout out Bill and Hillary like the Clintons Billy Bill and Hillary

Bill and Hillary you do not live near a Bill and Hillary I said Bill and Hillary lovely people lovely people they all love a bit of Jesus and I'm you know these are a few doors down

watch them round your children make they'll be putting them on fucking Peter's scatting them. Right. Yeah. Well, that's always to worry. Either that or donkey ownership.

You could be the hillbillies as well. You said they do introduce themselves like that. Yeah, Bill introduced himself six years ago as, it's Bill and Hillary. Like the Clintons. Like the Clintons. Oh, no, it's nice. He's a lovely guy. Their Christmas decorations say Jesus is Lord, happy birthday.

Yeah, they go ham on the Christmas decos. It's a lot. they've got a caravan out of the front the former Porto and Chelseamanfield there yeah they'll have loads of them in the front love decors fell over it garden again

that's what he's all it's a sporting director of Barcelona now isn't it but you know he splits his time with Barcelona and Sorgle can we get this deal through January's coming I've got to be in Saga forget who owns you've knocked on everyone's door

and everyone's like they're not that's not my donkey it's only one donkey at this point right you can't shoot a solo donkey and Bill and Hillary like that's not our donkey fucking Jeff's in the back. They do swear a lot. They do swear a lot.

That's fucking, not our fucking donkey. Then the next day you wake up, open, and there's three, right? But they're all, it's not like mom, dad and baby. They're just three adult donkeys just chilling on that grass verge by yours. Just grazing. Yeah, and shitting.

No? So you check all the doorbells. They will be shitting. You check all the doorbells. Yeah, no, they are shitting. They're just, they're don't know what? You're doing? ring doorbells and there's no real

conclusive evidence where they've come from. It's just, you know, they're there. Next day you wake up, seven. Next day after that, 13. Next day after that, 24. What, they follow this? This is taking some algebra this. I need to work this out, yeah. It's a Fibonacci. So you ring the council

and they're like, look, we're not going to get involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The local police. Cheshire and West. We're not going to get involved. What? That's dodgy. didn't for the travellers.

You're like, well, can I deal with them? If you know what I mean, like kill them. And they go, yeah, but don't tell us, right? How many don't have to be there before you just got your chainsaw out of the garage and went and chainsawed their head off all these donkeys? Not a chainsaw. Not a chainsaw.

Do the donkeys start attacking after one beheading? Are these zombie donkeys? I mean, after you've beheaded one donkey. That's not how do all the donkeys start attacking you? the other, there's 20 other ones. Are they possessed donkeys or are they normal don't? I'm not saying there's zombies. Listen, you decapitate one donkey.

Yeah, I'm saying, with a chainsaw, the others don't go. We've got a man up here. I think it's a donkey murderer. Yeah. Oh, that chainsaw down. We can't leave. The green's lovely. We're grazing and shitter.

You kill one of ours. We're down to 23. But it'd be 37 tomorrow. Would you kill a donkey then? Not with a chainsaw. I want to go on record. Okay, then with a lethal injection. You got.

I've only got testosterone. The only injections I've got a testosterone. I'll just fucking spike a donkey next day. You can shoot them. Nice, thank you. You can shoot them. So you've got like a, I don't know, a double-balled shotgun.

Oh, shoddy. I've got to go close. No? Yeah. Yeah, pretty. Why? Shotgun you're going to be close range with. Those you've missed.

Well, there's 24 of them, so probably will. Shoot randomly. Sniper. And I won't leave that house. It's cold, isn't it? Dad, you have breakfast, I'm done love. Who's getting rid of the dead don't do that?

Because I'm telling you what, at the tip, they're not going to be happy. Which bin for donkeys? But do you reckon you... Commercial or household? Donkey. I reckon, like, once you start getting into the low hundreds, I reckon you need to start shooting donkeys.

I don't want to shoot don't want to go hunting, you know, but... I'm not going hunting. They're right there. I don't even have to find them. They've come to me. Would you ask Martin to help? Hmm.

Mm. I'd maybe lead them onto his property. You could use his bin. Yeah. Oh, why's there so many dead donkeys in the boat? You've got more than one in one in the bin. I think of your wheelie bins. That's where the chains are it.

Yeah, I'd kill a donkey, yeah. That's upset. It's a pest, isn't it? Do you don't think you would? start killing animals. Oh, he could never kill animals. There's 6,000 donkeys on your road. The only way to deal with it is by shooting them.

You had something about like 5 pigeons in your loft. No, dude, there's more than 5 pigeons in me loft and I got them evacuated. 6,000 don't know. I think a grenade that'd be better. What? I'm not killing animals. One by one.

No if there was 6,000 donkeys on my road If I threw a grenade out You know, most of them are dead I probably get about 2,000 of them with one grenade Two thousand

How big is this grenade If there's 6,000 on my road That is a dense amount of donkeys, mate And you're not worried about the damage To the road No, they're taking the blast Your car's getting fucked Yeah

The cars already fucked There's 6,000 donkeys stood on it Just be a man And look this donkey in the eye While you're fucking Just one of them Yeah About the next day, what's happened then?

You got to open it run And apparently they mobilise Right, lads, overnight That cunt with the grenades going down No, I'm going pipe bombs, grenades Distance Three of them Back to the tally

I'd probably Shue them off the green Before I threw a grenade or Or if they just look at you like who You fucking talk and see you got a maggie Donkeys are fucking Bit a whip It's not like sharks

But if you punch one rear of the yard In the face All the rest of the fuck off here I don't know Is that is that what you've heard about sharks yeah you punch one and the rest go fucking hell these nails donkeys

they're like bullies aren't he you hit the biggest one no no it's to get rid of the one shark that's trying to bite you it's not a deterrent to the show no if you punch it the locals aren't going to go swim and he wouldn't even go paddling no the shark where did get around the sharks that fellow with the orange ye lay on he punches us stay away yeah does I wearing it in the sea

that's how committed I am to warm tits swim in a juley in shark-infested waters. In fact, it makes sense, don't it? They're going to buy the torso. Yes, they are. No, but, yeah, well, of course, they're called pavilion. If water's got, if anybody in water's got shark in it, it's shark-infested?

No. No? You've got to go in with your shoes around your neck and stop. The streets of Zohor, if you swim on them, mate, there's so many fucking shark, and they, that's infested, yeah. Right. I think one shark makes water infested with sharks. Does he? Yeah, if you're back.

If your bath has got a shark in it, that's a shark-infested bath. How strong is this? I'm tripping boys. You've been talking to yourself for last 15 minutes. Well, it's the percentage theory, isn't it? What's that age-old question? The train thing. Here's the question, right?

I love it when you're in this mood. It's great. Would, if there was a dead body in your bath? What? Would you get in the bath with the devil? with the dead body. Oh, I know what you're going to say. Would you?

Just answer the question. My inclination is no. Right, okay. Yeah. So if there was a swimming pool, you're in Bondys. So one of his pools, there's a dead body in that pool. The other pools are closed for maintenance. Would you get in that pool?

You can see the dead body. It's been Barrymore. Yeah. I mean, I love my morning swim. No, just genuinely. No, I don't think. You wouldn't, right? So how much water would that have to?

to be for you to get in. Yeah. Because you've been in the sea and there's death or dead bodies in the sea. Bin Laden's there? Yeah, yeah. That's what I think about every time before you. Is this bin Laden infested water? It all is. But it means that you

huddle? No. Lake. But you have a ratio of water to dead bodies that you're happy with? I absolutely. Yeah, but there's a finite line of yes to know. Right. So what is it? Because there's millions of dead bodies. Is it river? I'm got river, can I see the dead body?

I think if you can see a dead body and you go, it's a, don't worry, it's a river. I think if you can see a dead body in the sea, you're not getting in the sea. It depends what way the dead body's coming as well. I think the good rule is, see a dead body, don't go for a paddle. Don't go for a swim.

Yeah. That's smart. You know? And that's why it's great that Bin Laden didn't get buried just off Tenerys. But if Bin Laden, if I seen Bin Laden floating in the sea, that wouldn't make me immediately, If I was in the sea, I'd be like,

fucking hell, class, I'd get a selfie with him. Question, where was he, what sea is he in? I thought about this this morning, you know. It's the Dead Sea, do you put them on the Dead Sea, don't they? That's why it's called that. Was that before or after? I think it's the Dead Sea. Should they, would they not take him far away?

Because otherwise, like, like, jihadists would fish him out? The North Arabian Sea. Right, what's near that? When I'm emerging Saudi Arabia, Pakistan? No, Saudi Arabia is South Arabia in it. He's in the North Arabian Sea. Somewhere near Pakistan there's when he's,

where he got him, isn't it? I just completely made that up, by the way. It's the scene in Pakistan. Oman and Iran. Oh, I've been there? Oh, shit. Oh, man, Iran. I've been Oman.

So if you got in the sea in Oman, you swam with Bin Laden? I didn't want to get in the sea in Oman. It looked bin Laden. Sorry, it is. There's loads more. It's India, Iran, the Maldives, Oman, Pakistan, the Seychelles, Somalia, Sri Lanka. I reckon that I'll ever be on the, like,

make a wish list for jihadist children. Like swimming golfers? Yeah. Do you want to swim with dolphins? No, I want to swim with Bin Laden, right? Get him to the North Arabian Sea. Next. This is how mental this fucking podcast is.

I need to see a map of Pakistan. Jesus Christ, it's got a coastline. I take it back. I thought they were landlocked. I apologize. That's all right. That's our next beach holiday. Is that the thing that needed fact checking from this experience?

Oh, 100%. Wait, make a wish kids were swimming with Bin Laden. 10 seconds ago. How many dead bodies in the sea? Billions. Millions. Yep. I think I'd like to be

Billions. Is it millions? No, it's millions. Vikings put all of them in the sea. Are we included like fish? No. People. All right.

Bodies. Yeah, but fish has a body. Shut up. Fish are friends, not food. A shark has a body. Yeah, but you wouldn't say there's a dead body. It's got a fat asses.

That's a very good point. There's a dead body in the fish tank. Your goldfish is died. Really misleded. Shouldn't have wrong the police. Well, the only one of dead body Oh, me chips, just a cod. I love, can I have a dead body

with chips and peas, please? Yeah. I think people would would have gone swimming in the sea. That's why they put him in the sea. But you're finding, I don't know what the equivalent of needle in a haste is. On that Pakistani coastline then,

is there like, and when you go to Tenerief and there's fellas stood there when the excursions, is there just someone going, what does Limbing swimming? Oh, God. Oh, dear.

I honestly think you're more likely to see Ben Laden on one of those excursions than you are to see a tiger in that park we went to in India. Yeah, fact. More likely to see a fucking Bin Laden. Bin Laden is sleeping. With the fishes.

On that tiger excursion, we asked to end it three times. He was like, no. I think there's a tiger. There's been news. They were literally like, do I get a Nambos for lunch. I think there's a bin Laden somewhere here.

Can you do a Welsh accent in place of that? accent. Why? Just sort of swap it out. No, this, this fellow's from Bournemouth. Ah, right. He just works there. Raised in India, lives in Bournemouth.

No. Oh, right. Born and raised in Bournemouth. He's white. Is he? Yeah. He's just doing an accent as well. He's trying to make the locals feel comfortable and fit in. It's called assimilation, then. Oh, nice.

On two, slim, swimming ladden. Classic Bournemouth. How much is it? 20 Euro Yoros Taking euros Don't do rupees assimilation in it

Mine's from York What's the currency in Pakistan Fucking I don't know Exactly so I'm at what euros Isn't a guessing I want to go with I don't know

Pakistani Pakistani rupee I know him I know him Pinko Hang on you present It's been a while, but yeah. Go on.

I don't know. I just don't know what. Is there a seaside resort in Pakistan? Donkeys, that's how we got there. Are there any donkeys on the beach in Pakistan? No. Donkey beach, Pakistan. From everything I've seen from travel vloggers, Pakistan's the most friendly country to visit. Incredible, like compared to India, so much more friendly.

I think a lot of the country is there. taken aside in the age-old war. The age-old war. Pakistan and India? A country that's existed for 70 years. The age-old war. That's an age. Yeah, that's true.

70's old? Yeah, it is, yeah. Spot on, that's why I think. I really need to change my tone. It sounded like I was being sarcastic. Age old war. Yeah, like I think, I mean, obviously you've got people like Calvin Broad who's been a guess before.

When he goes, these countries, they're not just like, you know, awful to each of them. that's obviously we've been to India and we were like oh they were nice apparently so much more welcoming in Pakistan

like very noticeably different I'm saying what we're told is our Pakistan is you know it's not a place you want to visit being a UK citizen but I imagine it's not as bad as people may say

Is it? What? It's Pakistan Pakistan's not any on any warning list is it? I imagine so but I also don't think it's not for

I don't think it is I wouldn't watch the tell you and visit I don't think Pakistan is on any horrific I think it's had difficulties but I don't think it's like particularly, I mean if you're in

northern Pakistan and then like training camp maybe you're not so welcome but I reckon you go to Islamabad it's not too much what you're training for Exactly Olympic. World Cup World Cup. Yeah if it's a warm weather training camp for preseason

and I'm sure it's fine you know if it's training for war then yeah maybe he wouldn't be welcome that's why we've got to find out what these training camps are for they're just trying to play Kabadis They're just getting ready for the season. Is Kabadhi a British sport?

No. No. No. It was on... We didn't play it in school. That's how I didn't seek, isn't it? What is that? No.

It's like British Bulldog, but you've got to hold your breath. Yeah. What's the holding the breath bit? I don't remember that. How do you fucking police that? What do you mean? You don't remember that? Have you played Kabadi?

Yeah, we've got to breathe in and permanently say Kabadi. You're not allowed to take a breath in while you're trying to get to the other side. That's my memory of Kabadi. You've got to... You've got a, you've got, there's like, lads trying to stop you. You're trying to get through the side. You've got to breathe in and go, Kabaddy, Kabaddy, Kabaddy, Kabaddy. I think that's, just check Kabadi.

I think that. I don't think that's a rule of Kabadi. Okay. That's how you stop yourself sneezing. That's not a high and see is why you give yourself away. I never said it was hiding, that's why it wasn't a hide-and-seek. Yeah, you attempt to return within 30 seconds without being tackled. So you go into their half and then you've got to get back.

Right. But have you got to say Kabadi repeatedly? Because I swear there's something to do with breathing. It was on trans world sports. Did they have their own channel? Yeah. You're right, Don. Yeah.

Thank you. I mean, I think we did very well to move on from the name of that sport show. Is that an Olympic sport? No. No. That would be quite difficult to police. Let's do the Qabadi special.

Let's fly to Pakistan and do the Qabadi pageant special. Saturday mornings. The Qabadi highlights. for get paddy involved. Fucking class. Trans World Sports was shit, but great. It was like Eurosports. I was got a highlight package.

Cabi the Badi. Paddy the Badi. Fucking great at it as well. And he doesn't seem busy. Yeah, I'd love to go and, like, do, like, what Callum Broad does, goes and just sees these places, just knocks about and get, you know what I mean?

So into it. Oh, you've done Wiggin yesterday. It's a good start. I honestly think Pakistan's going to be more welcoming and safer. It was very welcoming. Yeah, because you'd already spoke to the people in advance. That's the call to prayer.

Hey, chip shops open! Where would you want to go then? Not like the obvious ones like North Korea. I'd love to just like travel a length of Africa in like a van. That's three months of my life, fucked. What's the maximum length we could be away where you could get away with it?

and you'd be happy? Two weeks? Six weeks. Ten days? I think two weeks is too long. So 10 days? Yeah, 10, 11 days. We did Nashville in 9, 8 and 9 days.

So what if we book in a six-week trip to Africa? There you go. That's, I was mis-speaking. But every 10 days, we fly the kids out to see you for an hour. Yeah. Oh, yes. Hello, kids. I'm in Chad. See you's there. Nice.

Chad was in my own as well. I was going to go Congo. Democratic Republic. Nice. in the DRC? Um, yeah, yeah, Laura's honestly, she's been at me recently going, I know we go to the zoo and the park

and we have a nice walk around chess, but when are you getting the kids to the Congo? And I'm like, Laura, honestly, trust me, Adam will get us there. And is it just a kid flying out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Laura's not ours. She's got the gym three times a week. Put the kids on the plane to the Congo.

Full body Monday, glutes Wednesday. She's not missing that for the Democratic Republic of Congo. But like, wouldn't it be? class to go and meet some tribes, like proper African tribes, and learn their way of life. Yeah. Yeah? You've been paying attention to the Tanzania special? In January, a lot of your dreams are going to come true.

No, but I mean... You know, when we're in Tanzania, in Africa, meeting tribes and getting to know their ways? Yeah, we're going to go and do that. But, like, I mean, wouldn't it be great to meet all of them, every tribe in Africa? And compare them all. Yeah, six weeks. Bank them. Six weeks.

Compare them as in, like, pit them against each other or as in like... No, no. because they'll never meet. We'll go to Chad and then we'll go to Congo and we'll write down what they do different. And they're like, oh, they wear that, they don't. Do you know what I mean? Like, whatever it is.

Write it down, will you? We can give them a mic-bats. No, we'll make a top Trump's game at the end. Oh, my fellow is that ad. Very bouncy. They're all bouncy. I've got lift disc. Brother, why are you having it?

They're well bouncy. The Masai. Mass. My boys can bounce. That's what they do. It's literally sad. Saturday night for the Masai. They're like, when are we getting the bounce on? What do you mean, bouncy?

You know what you know what I mean? They're about, they're a bouncing people. That's part of their celebration. They're like, oh shit, you killed a fucking pig. Yeah, that was a shit bounce. Because I'm not from DRC. If they saw a trampoline, they'd go mad. Like, because that's like performance and drugs.

Then they think how high they could bounce with that. Are these lift disc geysers? Yeah, some one specific tribe is, I suppose. Not me, not where we're going, no. Oh, I've not researched. I think they're big in the years. Oh, the, yeah, hoop ones. Yeah.

Dean Coughlin's got them, wasn't he? Is he in Massai Tribes? Coughlin. That was the issue. Shout out of Dean. Unexpected from Massai tribes, but we got there quick. So let's go Africa, yeah?

There is issues, though, you can't travel from certain African countries. Yeah, the borders. The boarders are out of problem, then, yeah. Borders go, you're not coming here if you've been there. And it's massively corrupt. We train Kabadi first. and we run in

and then we've got like 30 seconds to get back out. Put a bow on it. Beautiful. Time for a break. Zach Brian is playing Amfield. Yes. Is this an advert?

He doesn't need one. I don't think he needs an advert. I think he's going to sell it out. I think it will. Can I come? You are coming. I am coming. I'm not.

I asked Seneca and she went I'll know a couple of his songs but I don't know enough to be there for three hours and take the seat of someone. Why don't you like us? yeah it's gonna be the boys mate

the ZB boys yeah yeah yeah the boys she loves a bit of country get the girls out get the old guinea pigs out give them a clean it's gonna be fucking

I can't believe it I like to go to a spectacle country music at Amfield aren't you come and just send your beds the fucking cleaners little step over where's you going

come where's you going where's you going Adam swimming pool swimming pool she went to wild last Friday no leisure centre it's going to be class yeah I worked hard for this

got one of the biggest names in country coming to Liverpool yeah and field you've got well Adam what have you oh because you've put the whole of country music on your back for the UK yeah I've made Liverpool

the destination for country music in the UK and he's a Liverpool fanci they've gone let's put them together Jack Bramfield. Yeah. So it's a tribute to Adam Row. Yeah. For the small price of 320.

Did you not try and lean on any contacts, no? Huh? Would you not try and lean on any contacts that you've got? Yeah, I will. But I also want to make sure I'm in. Yeah. You know? Oh, so you can have a seat free next to you.

Yeah. Yeah, great. Totally. Sport man's good. Dijon. Oh, Dijon. Big a good mustard. Well, Kingsley.

are doing a chunk of the tour as well. Kings of Leon are not opening for them. It's not mad. That is, man, though. Too late. Kings of Leon are on? And not at Anandfield. Oh, fuck so.

Sing me as a Zach Bryan song, so I know one. Dijon and on a revival. Can you sing it properly? Someone call a women and someone steal a Bible. If you've been to the country days, Adams, you'll know because you play it. I see it all my revival. Bep tells me In a ball of bean

Put Johnny on the vinyl Johnny, you? Cash It's a bit of a waste of money when you've heard it sung like that But I'll go and see the lad I like supporting new musicians It is the best show I've ever seen

I've seen Taylor Swift And Luke Holmes is good And I'm going to see him a few times as well But it's the best thing I've ever seen See you there 12th of June Is he fat? Is he fat? Nah, he's a heartthrob In my head they're all fat

A bit of a mad head You're thinking of Stapleton? Is Luke Holmes? Yeah, Luke Holmes Street. Zach's not like ripped by any means. You know, he lies between me and Dan. In bed. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what you get for $3.221. Not really. It's just a show. Oh, I can't wait. I am going to be on the booners by then, I'm sure. This whole not drinking thing, the wheels are about to come off. I thought you were going to the foos. You're not having a drink after the arena.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just going to try and not die Just put it in the wall Oh, okay, yeah Just be a fucking rattle And put it in the wall Is it a drink since turkey? Yeah, no

And even I have And I don't really drunk And I'm having a drink after the arena You're having shots, mate You're having three shots on stage No I'm having two shots before stage Yeah,

you're having three shots on stage The second we start Five shots with lunch I had two shots before the arena show last time And I've never timed A good feeling more Like I just went soft

and happy and like I'm doing it again it's perfect I'm doing that again I'm not two shots of tequila five minutes where we go on stage

right yeah all right cool in the wall yeah there's only 7000 people paid to sit main thing is

I'm in the wall yeah they're gonna hate of your blood and if you have to do a call out with your top off

now it's not gonna be the same oh yeah you look all good I don't think he does look good yeah you do just pretty good

I don't think he does it's I think you look It's better when he had a bit of weight on him. You know, it's a fuck ill. Feel great. Skinny man's putting in the wall. He said right before he died.

Yeah. Who said that? Freddy Mercury. Feel great. All of a sudden. And James Brown. He said, I feel good.

I feel great. Apart from the AIDS. Well done. That was very good. Thanks. Is AIDS like, does AIDS make you feel bad? Yeah.

Yeah. Do you feel ill? Yeah. The second you find that you've got AIDS, it's bad, so... No, I don't mean emotionally, no. It's not bad for your confidence. Oh, yeah, it is, yeah.

I just mean, like, you know what I mean? Like, some stuff. Like, you can have chlamydia, can't you? And you can have a few years and not, no, you've got it. Some symptoms to AIDS. Actually, no, it's HIV, isn't it? It's human and virovirus. It's an enviourovirus for your body.

So AIDS isn't the thing that kills you, is it? It's your lack of immune system. Yeah, it's the AIDS. No, it's the... It's the AIDS that... AIDS opens the door. Yeah, but that's like saying, like, like guns

kill people and knock people no it's more like saying it's not the fire that kills you it's the smoke oh it's the bullet not the gun yeah but it is the AIDS no the AIDS opens the door to bad man oh the HIV opens the door yeah the Avionavirus yeah is it the AIDS that kills

you or do HIV? Either way I don't think you're feeling terrific just before you go apart from the dying feels great I think it is the AIDS to kill you HIV doesn't kill you HIV makes you weak AIDS comes along and fuck like literally bummed your head off. Is that true?

I think it's the other way around. Yeah, I told you. AIDS opens the door. Cool. The more you know. But the main thing is, Freddie felt great just before he went. I feel great, actually.

Apart from the imminent death. Super. Well, they do say, like, I don't think it's to do with AIDS, but like, you know when like old people are in the hospital? Like, the worst thing that can happen is they start to feel better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the day before,

most people die, they have a good day. Yeah, I remember it with my nana. She wanted to go to LaserQuest. It's a bad sign, guys. What did you know? Die off? She went to the wrong laser. She went to the wrong Laser Quest.

They were using live ammo. She died on the way to Laser Quest. She got shot to death. That's how weak she was. She got shot to death at Laser Quest. Oh, it's blinding. Gone. She had a great 24 hours.

I think the bungee jump. was taking it too far. It's right, don't you do go up before you Google that? Yeah. That is a thing. You're not, because you're not allowed to play my way by Frankson Archer in the hospital because people just die.

What, they get up singing and then they drop? Yes, if you play my way on the hospital radio, it's on like a band list because people go, oh, it's my time, and then they fade off because they go, this is the song I want to die to. Whereas if they play loads of shit music, then they go, I'll stay on until a good one. Do you know when were the old people?

What hospital's got? Blaring all the time. Hospital radio? Oh yeah, hospital radio. It's like in the nightclub it's like we'll leave when a good one comes on.

Yeah, don't play my way. They'll all die. When do we become the old, do you know, old people now? They're the same old people as I was little. Do you know what I mean?

They like the same shit. They dress the same way. They like the same music. There's a lot more funky. No, my dad's an old man now. Maybe I just don't see it that way. Yeah, because they've got older. No, but I mean like a granny now

still wears the fucking shit undie. Pants and this and this and say, oh, I love for them. a Flang Sinatra. When do they die out? Do you know what I mean? I don't love Flanks and Archer. You want...

But your mum's a granny! She doesn't want a Frank Sinatra? She's not... She's the new old person. What do you want the old people to like? No, I'm saying, when, we're an old. Oh, bloody hell. Put a bit of Kanye on.

Put a bit of Dijon on. Dijon. Yeah. Anyway, what was the conclusion? But yeah, if you've got a relative in hospital and you go in and they're like, good news, there's the show in times of improvement, that's a bad sign.

What you want, you want to go in and you want them to be like, they're worsening. That's a good sign. No more bowling. We've taken off life support. Terrible sign. They're coming home today.

It's good news. Oh, bloody hell. He'd be dense on it. No, he's driving home now. Oh, bloody hell. He only broke his leg. He's 53. He's having a good day.

Smother him. Right, you're getting discharged, love. Your hiccups. Oh, please. no. Hicups. They were in for hiccups. You've seen fucking...

There's nothing. Someone dies with hiccups. You can't put that on me. I'm going to get the hiccups tomorrow and think I'm fucking dumb for. There's like a one in 27 chance that if you sneeze, your eyes explode. God, the headache.

He's having a good day from the hiccups. Is that why he says the headache? Because you say the hiccups, don't you? No, it's because he speaks, bro. in English. What do you're doing? Let's do some other words. Send them in,

have a word pod at gmail.com. Don't Instagram DM was asking what the email is. Have a word pod at gmail.com. I don't even reply to those people anymore. It's in the bio. Ollie Peel says, got a have a word for you, lids.

Next year my mates getting married down in London. London? London. They've booked a London. A lovely registry office and a fancy French restaurant for the reception. Here's the problem. This restaurant doesn't serve beer, only wine and cocktails. When this came out, the lad's group chat absolutely erupted with overspill into the next pub trip.

A few of the boys hate wine and are now threatening not to come unless the groom arranges for at least some bottled beers behind the bar. The bride doesn't want to ask the restaurant because she's worried it will make them look bad and the groom won't push it either. Have a word with my mates for being a bunch of picky bitches or have a word with the groom for not. standing up to his missus and just ringing the restaurant himself. Just smell of South African. That's from Ollie Pale. Who's in...

This can't be real short. There can't be a French restaurant that don't... Not saving beer. They love a fucking beer over there. We have a beer with lunch and the dinner. Just a small beer. You've been to the fanciest restaurants that I'm aware of.

Like, I've not been to Michelin Star or anything. Is there, like, rules where they don't serve, like, calling? Most pubs don't see. That's the sign of a bad pub. It's a big red flag for a Michelin-style restaurant. If you walk in and it's Carl and Carl's making Chewborg on the tops. I'll be like, whoa.

Is the draft it, like, when you're getting a 16-course, for laudida, like, 200-quid menu, is there any draft? I don't know. Because it's a company and wine, isn't it? It's not accompanying. Give us one of the restaurants you've been to and I'll Google the menu.

Lon Klum. Ah, long glum. Lon Kloom. Okay. L-E-N. Kloom. I wouldn't want a beer with that kind of food. Like Martin Kloons, but with an M.

Martin Kloon. Dine. Right. Let's see a look. What use, Google does it happen? I've been to... I feel like I've definitely had a beer at one of these places.

I feel like beer would ruin the food. No, what if it's a curry? It just says... A French curry? Just wine and soft drinks. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, long clume.

No, I definitely had a cocktail there. Like, 100% had a cocktail there. I think they made it, yeah. Maybe it's like a... It's not on the menu, but they know a big boy when they see it, and they're like... If he asks for it. Adam's here. Make him a nigroney?

I did. I had a nagroni there. It was nigroney month. Yeah. Well, it's not on the menu. I think, Ollie, if it was just wine, I'd be the same. But once it's like wine and cocktails, you can have a fucking great night on the cocktails. I don't know.

Maybe he provides some beers too. Because like, whenever there's an older guy there who's like, I don't drink cocktails. Yeah, but the older guy's wrong. Get him on the fucking cocktails. No, I'm with Carl, honestly. It's not wrong, is he? If your dad comes on, I get up with,

I don't want a fucking wine or cocktails. Yeah, maybe that's why dads are boring, because they're not drinking enough cocktails. Yeah, but they're also entitled to want to drink at a wedding. Their sons. Yeah? That's my son's wedding. No, it won't be boring.

No, it was serving cocktails and four bottles of wine. You've not got worthy tins. I won't come to the wedding. It's not the kind of wedding where they're going to be dancing to Sweet Caroline, though. Like, they're just in a French restaurant. It's not going to be, like, rowdy. Yeah, but if you've booked out, you could go, listen.

I've got some older guys coming along. Do you mind if we just pay corkage or some beers? Like, it will be fine. We don't do that this, yeah. We like to win. Yeah, we want me down. That doesn't. What is he?

An Uncle Ron? If the answer to be like that, I'd be like, I cancel the reservation. I just, like, I'm all for a bit of pretentiousness. I kind of like it. Do you know what I mean? These fancy places. But just, you've got to cater to just the basics. If you invite someone along to a wedding, you've got to kind of, you know, if you know, if you know, sort of about.

Especially with your boys. I went to a restaurant. Get Uncle Ron on the cocktails. I went to a restaurant in Edinburgh and, like, I got a dinner. me missus was like what soft drinks have you got and they were like are we make our own coke and our own fanta and there's a pair one as well and i was like this is a class place for coca cola and pepsi have boxed you do i mean they've nailed that recipe no one's having coke and pepsi and going do you know what i want a small independent gaff in edinburgh to give

this a go like just fucking get on board and use do you know what i mean yeah carmacola is the one that you see now, like in sort of more left-leaning, trying to be progressive, like delis or whatever. You can't get Coke or Pepsi, but you can get Carmicola. And I don't mind it. I don't mind it. It's all right. But it is basically just a sort of nice... It tastes like an Aldi version. It's like a roller cola, in it? Yeah, yeah. It's called once. And then you go, ah, your first sip of it, you're like, oh, this is better than... And by the end of it, you're like, yeah, I'm not having that tomorrow. Silk glass bottle coke. Do you know? know.

Do you remember virgin Coke? Yeah, I do, yeah. Virgin Cola. The Panler Anderson bottle. Do you know what happened to it? Do you know why you can't get it anymore? No. So Richard Branson got a bit too big for his boots, literally.

So they were competing with Coca-Cola, like really, really well in America and the UK. And for about two years. Yeah. They really had it in the hours. Yeah. They were about. to like sort of topple it like they were winning like they were really winning and uh they did a marketing campaign where they hired a tank put it in time square with virgin cola written on the

side and the tank was crushing coca cola cans and bottles that richard branson was riding the tank being like we're here to crush coca cola and become the new coke coke sent uh because the UK was where they were doing really really really well obviously because Branson from here. Coke sent representatives to the UK to all the big retailers like Tesco as there, all of them and basically went to their executives

is 10 million. That's for you that. Don't ever sell Virgin Coke again and it just disappeared off all the major shelves. And doesn't Coca-Cola own like Sprite? You own everything now. Bands as well. Mars owns all the confectionally Coke owns all the they're like, you're just not, you're still to stock

Pepsi and Carmicol and all that shit. They're not going to come near us, but this guy's doing our head in. Tem, for you and your family, go and get yourself a nice car. That's sick. And just stop selling that. And overnight, Tesco, as they're just told Virgin Co-Car, we can't stock your products anymore. It wasn't even good. It's just a bottle had tits.

They made a bottle, the shape of Pamela Anderson. I don't remember this. When was this? It's pre-U. It's 9-11 times. You weren't bored. Mid-90s. Yeah, 94.

Okay. 94? Oh, yeah, it wasn't... I remember when it launched. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't discontinued until 2009, though. Yeah, because that's when it started doing well. No, it was before that.

But that's not pre-me. I'm not like... No, no, no. So it... The thing that I'm talking about probably happened, like 9-11 times. Right, okay. To me, in my... This is pre-2000.

I remember having it in the old house version of Cola. I don't remember it. I got another one. Wag-waglids, a couple of weeks back, Michael... What was that one? A wedding. I mean... Get some virgin cola, if you can.

Just get some virgin cola, box off your granddad. But also, if it's someone's wedding, just shut up and go to the wedding, or fucking don't. It's their wedding. Agree! You can't not go to a wedding because they've not got bottles or lager, surely. People come on with all kinds of reasons not to come down. Or just be a fucking normal person and smuggle it in. That's a good point.

Yeah. Wag-wag lids, a couple of weeks back, my girlfriend and I went round to her parents' place for the weekend to dog sit. as they were away on holiday in Spain. Spain. Yeah, Spain. When we got there and started chilling out and went to flick on the telly, we were looking around for the remotes. They recently got rid of their Sky TV.

However, we noticed that a fire stick was missing. When we asked where it was, it turned out a dad had taken it with them on holiday so we could go and watch his beloved Lead United from their hotel room whilst they're on holiday. Fuming. Managed to salvage the situation as one of us had a Netflix account.

Could you have a word with him for being a wool and taking it with him where there would have been plenty of bars showing the footy considering which part of the world they were in and a bit of Googling

would have solved it Cheers Lids, class as always No, it is fucking fire stick in it? Yeah. And he wants to watch the match. It's also a good thing to take away.

It's really small if it's in every telly and it's got everything you need it on. Obviously, you don't condone this. I haven't got one. I haven't got two either. Is this a dodgy stick?

Is there a normal fire stick? Yeah. Amazon have gone. Every fire stick. A normal fire stick. Right, so what does a fire stick do? Because I am deep into the sky. Every bit of smart TV.

So Netflix, Prime, I player, I TV, all the normal stuff. You can download something that gives you a live... Well, if the police catch you with it, it's 75 years in prison and a $3 billion fine. That's a lot, isn't it? That should put you off. Well, what happens with this every now and then is just every now and then, like, Ladd Bible, sport, Joe, like ITV news, whatever,

all of their Instagrams, like sort of at once. They'll go, oh, we found another man who was using a fire stick, and he's just been given three years in prison. What's his name? John Sampson. And he's been given three years in prison, and his wife's left him,

because, you know, he's going to be away a few years, and she wants to get fucked while he's away. And his kids don't want to talk to him anymore. And it's all because he was watching the three o'clock kickoffs. in his house. So, you know, just letting you know, don't do that anymore.

And it's basically the Premier League, they can't catch people who use fire sticks or my preferred method, VPNs. They can't catch people who are doing it,

so they're trying to, like, warn that, hey, we're catching them, you know, and he's getting the electric chair. They treat it like drug dealers. People who make the servers

and distribute it, they're like, they're the bad guy. Just using it. You're not going to go, has anyone been prosecuted for like doing that side of it like dealing them yeah they say they have right don't think so yeah but sometimes you allegedly know because uh the servers go down for a bit allegedly maybe yeah i haven't got two in me else car you you say these regularly

you even did it for ways recently when they're like i'd never do this but sometimes i put like warnings on the road like you're not going to get prosecuted apple moms that was all right okay comedy podcast it was all for a joke just a Listen, fly sticks are fucking sick, mate. I get to watch whatever... You get to watch whatever you want. Your honour. The other day, I wanted to watch a film

that was only available on Belgian Netflix and I wanted to watch it on a telly, so no VPN didn't work. I could watch it at my phone, no problem, but I was watching it with my wife. So, I like next door as firester, give me what? It does my head, and when you say wife, you just haven't got a wife, you've got a beard,

you know what I mean? It still feels weird to me, to be honest. Yeah. Is it not as the film? It must be starting to film. pretty familiar now. Donnie Brasco. It's only on Belgian Netflix.

Belgian, Donny Brasco? It's only on Belgian Netflix right now. Good film to watch. Is it dubbed? Into Flemish. Dubbed into French? Yeah, well, they speak a lot of French in Belgium. Yeah, that's true.

No. It's French and Dutch, in it? It's French, German and Flemish, in it? I've used VPN to watch German films, but then they think you're German, they don't give you English subtitles. So I've just had to sit through it in gym. And you still watch the whole thing?

You haven't had to sit through anything? Well, because I thought I'd learn something. But you don't really learn anything when you don't know what's going on. You would if you'd seen the film before. Also, how are you learning if you're reading the subtitles? Because I hear sounds and then I see what the English word is.

I thought people learn English from friends because they just watch it in English. Yeah, but that's easier. It's all like... Because you speak English. Like, could I be any... Yeah, like, yeah. Friends is easy for Harry.

Yeah. Could I be any more Flemish? Yeah, because I don't know any... That's what happens to be watched, Friends, on Feldron, Netflix. I don't know any German catchphrases. Mate, when I'm a dad, and I'm going on holiday, I'll take fucking anything I want, and anyone bitching about it can kiss my fucking hoop.

Even if they're doing your favour by looking after your dog on your nose. Yeah. I mean... Bring your own fires too. Yeah. Stop shagging my daughter. A little rat.

Who? Well, isn't it? for the boyfriend of the daughter. No, my girlfriend and I went round to her parents' place. Oh! I see.

You went from Dan to not Dan in the same sentence? I'm just looking into the future. Etta with all her boyfriends. Oh, we're all house sitting. Discussed. All my boyfriends? Yeah, she's going to be.

She's going to be non-monogamous. Would you be okay with that? She's non-monogamous. Polyamines? I hope not. I hope she's a nun. They all look the same as well. me. If she's a nun, she can have my fire stick.

Your sexual preference doesn't change how you look. Yeah, I know, but like, they all do look the same, don't they? Polyamorous people. The people who get into, like, throuples, they all do look the same, don't me? Yeah, they look like you? No. They fucking do as well. Rita Orra was in a thruple.

Yeah, she's, no one wants like Rita Orra. That's a unicorn thruple. Normally, they're, like, smelly. Who do you know in a fucking thruple? The ones I see online They're all like... They don't have mullet to muzzies. They don't have mullet to mussels.

I don't know they shagged me bird. You've got in the thruble? Me? Oh. If Ellie wanted you to bring in another woman though, if she was like I'm into her, I could do some out around the house. Not for the admin side. Is that what...

Is that the incentive to start the thruple? That's a good side project, though, in it? Yeah, yeah. It's a good additional benefit, isn't it? I bring in a roof in me or something. Something that's good in the house. Oh, absolutely. Plasterer.

Female or? Yeah. Right. Oh, no, I was talking. I want a proper one. Are there any lady roofers? Comment below. I think a lot of women

would be happier in a thruple. You know what I mean? Because like traditionally speaking, men apparently have a higher sex drive than women. And, you know, not with me. Like when I'm with someone, they're just like, fuck me now all the time. But like, generally speaking, men have a higher sex drive. They're more sex and, you know, men are also lazier. And that's bad.

You know, they do less housework and women are amazing and they do more of the housework. Like traditionally speaking, I'm not saying this is, you know. And I just think, you know, get some helping. They'll sort some of their dishes out for you. And they can suck you off. And they'll suck you, fell it off. For the cleaning and the pussy.

It's for you. If you cloned your misses. You're welcome. If you cloned your misses, would you be in a thruple with two versions of Alex? What you mean? Like, if... Would you want another Alex around the house? Yeah, like, say if, like, she splits like a cell and there's two of them,

would you go, oh, I'm in a relationship with both you now. We're in a thruple. Because then they're in the outlaw. Or would you have to pick one? Are their moods lined up? They're the same. Are they in the same mood at the same time? Are you asking if their cycles match?

Cycles and just, like... Are they always in the same mood? No, I think they're just, they're not, like, telepathic. Like, you've got to piss one of them are. They're like twins, yeah. Like nature and nurturing. If you're a dick to one of them, she'll be fuming, but the other one will be sound.

I'm never a dick to either. No, they're not, of course, but like, her or the clove. But. Tell you what, restaurants are more expensive, rather than both just be in the same mood all the time. Oh, really? At the same mood?

Yeah, because then, like, they look the same. and like, you know, when you're mrs in a mood, you're on eggshells a little bit. I don't want to forget which one's which and be like, make a joke and she's like, and I'm like, oh, the other one laughed at it because she's got a sense of humour. Do I mean?

I'd rather... You made that one worse. I'd rather just be like, I used both fuming, I'm going to pub, deal with each other. Very traditional old school relationship, just with two problems. Oh, you're both fuming.

Fuck on. Yeah, but the dishes I've done twice as far. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And like if they're in a good mood, then class. You know, let's all watch a film and then fuck. Do you have to go on holidays, a thruple or is it? Do you have to do two holidays? What's the rules with the thruple?

They can share the passport, I think. No, I don't know how that works. Pass it back like I do. Yeah, yeah. I'd want a different, I'd want Rita Oura. Would you have two laudas? No. Rita Lola.

I'm so quick. No. Why? Really? Well, you've got one. Why do you want to fuck you one day? The other one, Mike? Why is it nice?

One of them's got the kids? One of them's free? Just double disappointment, in it? No, I'd want to... If we're going a thruple, you want a real... You don't want two centre-ar-of, do you? Not that she's a centre-law.

Wow! You know? Sentiment field, there's two can't-tees. I want a CDM and then... Someone a bit nipier. She's running around the house. The effort you'd have on those blowjubs. Box to box.

Would you want somebody more or less attracted than Laura? I don't know. One of those options isn't even possible. No, I'd want someone heavily bisexual. Probably that I can work out with. Oh, there you go. Fill in the gaps. I thought you worked out with Laura?

No. She's, she went to the JD gym with me and had a panic attack. because she didn't know the surroundings. She's got gymtism. Yeah. And so... How many terracus do you want? Just one.

Why? One's enough. Too would be too much. Two would be too much. Oh my God. Way too much. Simply because I'd have to boil a kettle twice to make the hot water bottle show once every later.

Can you just fill it? What? Can you just fill the hot, the kettle? Yeah. Just sound, yeah, but that's not too hot water bottles, well? How big is it a hot water bottle? I've actually got a boiling tap. I don't use a kettle, but I'm saying...

You just leave the tap on longer then? No, because if you've got one, you understand that it's a mini boiler under the sink and it doesn't give two hot water bottles worth. Yes, it does. No, it gets cool. It doesn't get as hot. So the second one isn't as hot.

That means if I want one, it's not as hot. You've got to pick a favourite cerica then? So just one Syracia, eh? I mean, it's all about the hot water, really, isn't it? Yeah. How many? Three Syracas? Four?

Five. Two would be good, yeah Sirica number five Two, let's go with two Why? Twice as good, isn't it? Twice as bad. Yeah, there's more good than bad though.

Yeah. So, unlucky with that fire stick. Sounds like a nightmare situation. Please keep me anonymous, last one for years now whenever I've been in relationship when pulling the pud with some video stimulation or an imagination wank at the point of jizzing

I make sure to be thinking of my misses it's been this way for years I can't help but thinking that jizzing over a vid or having a way day imagination wank is low key a form of cheating I'm sure she knows I watch porn but just can't get over it

would be good to know the gang's views is it cheating am I being a pussy have a word with me any views or absolution would be great amongst some of our colleagues that is a perception that this is a very hetero, laddie,

occasionally playfully homophobic podcast that doesn't have any, like, gay followers. And I think we've just disproved it because that's the gayest thing over there in the entire life. That's quite good.

There you go. There you go, colleagues. What'd you make of that? I'm always worried that I'm going to think of certain I don't want to. Do you ever get that? Like Chris Tarram pops in

and then I think... And then you come? Yeah. And then you've got a Chris. Tarrant kink. And then I think, then I think next time, maybe Chris Tarrant made it better

and then Chris Tarrant. I don't you try to meet Chris Tarrant? Exactly. Just to come everywhere. This is pathetic. This is one of the stupid things about it. Why is he told it? No one needs to know,

and he's wrote in, it's good, but like, no one needs to... Just keep it to yourself. Have a weird pod at Gmail.com. No, but like, no one needs to know this, so why not? You are massively overthinking this kid. If you're watching porn or having imagination wanks,

and you'll find, with that, then that's it. I can understand how people are like, oh, I could never watch porn, my missus doesn't want me to. It's not how I feel, but I can imagine, like, I can understand

how someone can get them that. But if you're already doing this, the last bit doesn't count for anything. Does it matter to you at all that, like, Laura might occasionally have a little solo time and she's not thinking at you. I want to, I ask her what she's watching.

What if you found out she was thinking of, like, someone you know, though? Shadow from Gladdena. Shadow, who's a big mate of mine. What about if it's bonding, all there's money? Right, that... Yeah.

Of course. Anyone in this room, Bondi, Uncle Robert. Oh. Wow. That is a relationship, Ender. She's like,

I've just got to tell you something. I've just flickered a bean to Uncle Bobby. Does she call him Uncle Robert? One of it's just like a circus comic that you haven't seen for a while, but that she, like, really enjoyed one time.

Right. Shagiaski. Yeah. No, they're too close for that. Oh, yeah, you're friends about. Nick Page. I've so many questions He's available for everything

Looking for a closing 15 Yeah no I don't want it to be any of you Or any of my relatives Or any circuit comics Any gladiators? Do you know what Yeah If she had a wanked jet

Wolf She's quite a hold now, wouldn't he? Whoa, that'd be fine No, I like it I like that she watches porn I'm trying to get her. What porn does she watch, you know? She's, like, I haven't got to...

Like the candlelit one with old mates? Yeah, candlelit porn. Have you ever put it on while you wallop in it? Medieval porn. On a telly. Doesn't, doesn't... You love this one? We've never done that.

I can't get the information about it. Is that because you don't have a telly in your room, though? If you had a telly in your room, which... Yeah, that's the thing that's stopping it. So if we had a big screen. You do it in the living room? Yeah, or the garden office. Go to the garden office and make her watch the porn that she watched.

What does she watch? Candle lit with Nick Page and... Wolf from gladiators what a threesome and also imagination wanks and like if you're thinking of someone else like that's not cheating

how many things have to happen is it murder to think of killing someone no and it's not cheating if she catches them having a wank and he goes I'm thinking of you she's going to go

oh Belt her If she's pissed off with the porn, she's pissed off of the porn, doesn't matter what he's thinking about. She's not pissed off at anything by the sounds of it. It's all in his head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's totally got it in his own head, isn't he? Would this bother you, Harry, if your missus

was thinking of other people while she was wanking? No. Even if you know them? Louis through. I mean, I think of Louis through when I'm wanking so. I mean, if I knew them, yeah, what level? Like... One of it was the people who stole your radiator?

That's like a hate wank, though, in it? No, she loves her. They wouldn't be though because they're grotty and horrible But like, you know If it was like my dad Wow Yeah, yeah

It feels like a line's been cross there Wow That would Why did you say that? Don't know That would worry me Yeah Because he's been coming around

Peyting the house loads Well When you're not there Now when I'm not there Nice to get Harry's dad In the podcast Yeah Great time now

Looking forward to meeting him at the arena Is he coming man yeah everyone harry's ever met or been related to who's coming to the room ever been related to even the dead ones hey welcome to part three of four hey there you go done it for you of this week's have a weird podcast with me adam row comedian dan nightingale uh professional love it. Carl and Finn are over there as well. And Jesse Cave joined us. Finally. How are you? I'm good. How are you?

It's weird to have a half hour conversation with your friend and then ask them how they are, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is really weird, this whole thing. Why is it weird? This is a podcast. Does it feel like Sunday brunch? It does, and that's the most nervous I've ever been in my life. This is like, I don't, this is, I'm feeling okay. I don't, I'm scared, but I think I'm going to be okay. Do you have your support, Alfie? Yeah, he's, he's, he's. Yeah, I'll be here, my boyfriend's here.

That is Ayrton Center. I swear to God. It's Ken from Lockstock. Fan of the podcast is here. Alby Brown. What are you scared of? What are you worried about? That I'm not going to be very like manly.

That is, that's not what we've booked it for. Let's do some press-ups if you want, but what's going on? Like, you have to be quite, you know, you have to say stuff, and I kind of respond to stuff or cry. Which isn't, I think I could really, really just lower the standard of this podcast right here right now. It's been done before by all of us. So don't worry about. Has anyone ever cried?

It's a good question. I've shed a tear. What about? I think, what was it? There was one bit that got you with your mum and I can't remember what it was. You said something about your mum and then he checked yourself. Like you said about going up to heaven and then you were like, oh, that's real. And then you got a little bit of a, yeah.

There's a time where he. nearly cried because Carl made a joke about him Shaggartler's wife and we were all dead drunk and he was like it's just so far I think so far we're like we do it every week he was like no so far it was right at the end and unsurprisingly it was Carl that went

I tell you what we've had this chat I'll just push it a bit further right at the end and my wife takes her hammering does she I don't know right and I just fell in my drunken state in a lock-in I think she's had enough oh that's sweet and everyone's like fucking I'll dance on his period

You can't even say jizzing in your wife from fucking four feet You can't even say your wife's a slag Fucking game's gone I mean it was probably in the vicinity I would never call your wife a slag It's good It's a good way It's a good basis of a friendship isn't it

Just don't call mine one either Deal I would never I'm scared of her Yeah you could just change the whole podcast today And it could be just like talking about like really sweet stuff We do that too though We do that too I know you do that too, but I, like, I think, I don't think anyone ever has bought a puppet on, you know?

I can talk about some heavy stuff if you want. Like what? What have you got in mind? Like, you know, I just tend to just go straight in and talk about very intense things, which isn't funny. It's not funny. We can make it funny. It's not funny. It's just not, though.

But it is, though, like, if, like, the funniest things in the world are the least funny things. Okay. Let's try. I know that sounds stupid, but. I love the preamble of you coming on. I'm a bit nervous. What I'm going to do is drag it into the fucking sanders. That's my thing.

I just need to be, just declare everything, just to apologize before we go ahead. And let's see what happens. But I'm just warning everybody. You know, and I've told you you can cut this. You can just edit me out.

We can just work with anything. You won't. You can edit me out and it can just be out for you. Like, do you know, before, I always considered myself a bit of an overthinker. and then I sort of got to know you and I'm like I'm all right actually I don't overthink too many things

Oh it's so boring yeah It's all too much But like I think it all comes from a good place Like you were talking before about how Today you dropped one of your many many children At Nehry and he was one of only two people in there And you found that I think the word was harrowing

Yeah it really is harrowing for me Like I feel everything a bit too much Like I really would benefit from antidepressants and like some anxiety blockers. Yeah, I, no, I'm, because I'm, I'm, I'm too paranoid about medication. You're too anxious about anxiety medication? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll do it. I get that, that's me.

Because I'm also extremely vain. So any, so I have to look at the side effects because if it's going to affect my skin, if it's going to affect my weight, if it's going to affect my hair, I'm like, no, no, no, no, I'll just be miserable. The potential side effects are like, they list everything that could possibly happen. Yeah. Those medications are brutal because they're like, oh, it could affect your skin, your leg could explode.

Like, they really do cover themselves. If you have any worries about that, it's very easy to put yourself off. Oh, yeah. And I got psychosomatic symptoms because I'm such an overthinker. So if I read that there was a symptom, I would get it, even if it wasn't a real symptom.

Yeah, but it's hypochondriad, isn't it? It's hypochondri to an extreme. Yeah. Like when I got a role in a West End play really early on, it was a massive theatre there was no microphones. So I knew like six months before that I was going to have to project

to the theatre. And because I'm so fucked up, I lost my voice. I lost your voice. You preemptively lost your voice because you might have lost your voice. Yeah, because I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to project.

I lost the ability to speak. And for two months, I was silent. What the? Like a monk. For two months I didn't speak. And my family had to be like, what do you want for dinner? And I'd be like, it'd gone, gone.

It'd gone. It'd gone. It'd gone. Because my mind had made me lose it. And I had to go to speech therapy. Anyway, hello. That is torture. That is a, it doesn't get, of all the things you can lose, that's the one that doesn't get mentioned. But if you go mute, what, how fucking brutal, that would be the end of us.

Yeah. Like, I wonder whether, like, you could hypnotize someone to use this for, like, their benefit. Do you know the way, like, you're always worried about, like, having a small penis? Like, if someone could hypnotize you, so maybe your dick's so small because you think it's that small. Yeah. And we could hypnotize you into thinking you've got a massive knob. Isn't this what Zat Pallanski did? What?

Isn't that what Zat Pallanski did? Oh, yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah. What did he do? Before he led the Green Party. he had a clinic where women would come in and go, I wish I had bigger tips and he'd be like, right, gives a feel, I'll hypnotise you and they'll get bigger now.

It wasn't an undercover sting by the scum though. Yeah. All right. So you think if I'm hypnotised to think I've got like a 12-inch cock or like a cock like yours, right? But wouldn't that be the most tragic thing, just turning up to an orgy and being like the fucking big boys arrived

and then I whip out two and a half inches cold? No, no, but I'm saying it could make it, like her voice actually went. It actually went. Oh, it actually goes. gross. Yeah. Yeah.

Get it out. Get the watch out. Get the pocket watch out. Let's do it. That'd be amazing. But it's also really difficult to... It's going to be a great picture, Jack. It's difficult to meet a speech therapist, especially when you're mute.

And, like, I had to write it all down. So I look... I'm surprised I wasn't sectioned. Like, I had to write down, I've just got this part in the play. I can't talk anymore. Did you never? test yourself like if I said auto glass repair you would have said it

that's a really good idea even if you stubbed your toe you'd have gone auto glass replace oh there was just it was very very like a few words here and there but I essentially had to learn to talk again and obviously at this point I had the park coming up and if I had told anyone that I was not talking at home and it was so bad and but I ended up doing it and being able to project

and had a brilliant, loud voice and everything. But it was like, it was a baptism of fire into the industry. It was like, I don't think I'm cut out for this. I relate to this so much. Like, I can't watch, like, Grey's Anatomy because every episode's like, oh, it's a 30-year-old man who's got a cold and then his leg falls off or whatever. And if I read, like, the side effects on medication

and it was like, oh, you know, I was going to turn green, you're going to get bigger tits, and your air's going to fall out. I would just like be so... What are you medicating here? I don't know. It says all this stuff... Shorty paracetamol's got like mad side effects

but you'd never read that, would you? Well, you know, according to Donald Trump, it makes kids autistic now, don't it? Yeah. Yeah. So... Teal or no. But I sometimes, like if I... I've done this a couple of times

like the Edinburgh fringe. Like on, you know, on a day off where the night before you go, you get hammered and then that day off you just don't see anyone. And it gets through about 10 o'clock at night and I realise I haven't said a word all day. Yeah.

And I'll just shout to make sure my voice still works. Just, yeah. Because I'm worried that I can't talk anymore. When I used to do Coke, I got, every time you did a line, you'd like sort of need a poo. Every time. Almost every time. Because of whatever's in it.

The stimulants, the baby lactative that it's been cut with. Oh, that'll be it. I got to the point where we'd order some, the dealer would be on the way, and I would need a poo. Like a muscle, like, like, muscle. like one specific muscle, like a muscle memory part excitement,

you'd be like, shit, I need a poo. That is, knowing that it's going to happen makes you want to do it. Yeah. Maybe you didn't really need the Coke. Oh my God, yeah.

Yeah. Maybe you didn't really need the Coke. It was all in your head. You just need excitement. Yeah. So that's why I quit Coke. I just booked in like a trampoline park. Yeah.

It's the same thing. And bitches love trampoline parks. Am I right? I wonder how close, like, psychosomantically the trampoline parks are to cook. Like if you measure the brain chemistry of you on a trampoline versus you after the line. Oh my God, I love trampoline parks so much.

I really do. If I could have a trampoline, I would, like, I used to just be on it all the time. Up until a very late age. You've moved to the north. I know, but a garden is tiny. No, we don't. It's tiny. It's tiny.

It's tiny. It's been in your garden. It's fucking massive. Yeah, but then it would just be a trampoline. Haven't you got like a 12 bedroom fucking house? No. Of course. Surely you can have a trampoline room.

We can. but no, there's no. It's eight bedrooms, isn't it? It's, no, it's not eight. Eight bedrooms, no, it's not. It's like, it's six bedrooms. It's big. Bear in mind we lived in a one bed for a decade, so I think that, you know.

You lived in a one bedroom flat, you, Alfie and four children. Yeah, we can't really talk about. Why? Just because it's not technically legal. It's not happening anymore though. It's called double Jeffrey, you can't get you. It's legal up until they're 10. It's legal.

So they're not a one. until they're 10. They're 0.5 of a human until they're 10. So your eldest was 9 years old for a while? No, no, no. We moved just before he was 10. Nice. So we were legal.

But you do mad things when you're a parent. You just do. You just like, we wanted to stay in the area. We wanted them to be settled at a school. And then we were just like, okay, well, they just have to stay in this tiny flat. And you just make it work. But it was mad.

And now that we have more than one room to live in, we have gone even more mad because the kids just don't know how to deal with space so what they do is they just fill it the whole time with screaming it's like honestly I say go and play in your room counts ten and then the screaming starts

and we've had to say to them just because you have this space doesn't mean you have to scream you can just sit you can just play you don't have to shout and scream and it's really a problem. And we've got this dog now

and he doesn't know what the fuck is going on because he's moved from his lovely dog friends to this family of six who just scream the whole time. I saw a reel that said if you've got loud children it's because they feel loved and really safe.

Really? And genuinely, my daughter is so loud. I'd like her to... It's great that she's loved and feel safe. I'd like her to feel ever so slightly hated and frightened. Yeah. Just a bit, just to turn the fucking volume down.

She, like, the constant, I can feel it building as well. She doesn't just go from like naught to full on shouting. But as soon as she's playing, she's like, Jack, we should do this. And then he's literally fucking next to her. And she's shouting the rules. After five minutes of getting hyped up. Yeah. She's bawling the rules.

Oh, my God. She's so loud and so loved and so safe. That safety thing does make sense, doesn't it? Because if, like, you were worried, like, there was a bear nearby, you know? be quiet because of the fear. Yeah, but that's it. So we're getting a bear. A bear?

We're going to get a bear. I think it goes back to like the evolutionary thing of like, oh. We're not really, Jesse. You took that very sad. I'm like, my God, you're taking a bell. Do we have bears up north? Birds on trampolines? Well, North and Frank wasn't screaming, was she?

She didn't feel safe. She wasn't going, hey! She was like, oh. Yeah. It's an extreme example, but you're absolutely spot on. If she'd have felt safer. If she'd have felt safer, you should have been like,

Bama, bap, b'ab! The jazz would have taken hold of him. How did they catch her? She just put a fucking jazz record on. Do you shout as a parent? Do you shout? Not the first four times. Yeah.

But then they ignore the first four times. So, you know, you've got to... If they reacted, although there is another gear, isn't there? Yeah. There's the sinister sort of, I'm about to lose my shit. So I'm just before we do that, why don't we not fucking have me lose my shit? And you do what I've asked three fucking times already.

And then if that doesn't work... Yeah, shut. Yeah, same. I think there's all this stuff on social media about shouting is the worst thing you can do. But I just don't know how to do it without shouting. And because I came from parents who shouted, you just do. You just shout. And I really, the gentle parenting thing that's this massive, massive craze, I think is dumb.

Gentle parenting is dumb. Watch gentle parenting. It's where you're like, come on, Henry. Just go and put that in the bin over there, Henry. Okay, Henry Take your time, Henry You can't That'd be wild

Well, because none of your kids It's called Henry Henry Henry please don't touch Mummy in the tits No, that's too many You can't do combos on Mommy's breast

Like, no shouting Henry put down the knife Just Henry please put down the knife Henry's mad Like Henry half an hour later Has a knife And he hasn't put the thing in the bin And it takes forever to do anything

And parents just in the park Taking forever to leave the park Because they won't get their little shit in a headlock and the kids are just stabbing you win everything because you can just pick the little fuckers up. That's the, what's the benefit of the not chelton? It's that they don't get to be angry adolescents who, you know, they just, it's just a, it's a, it's just a more kind a way of doing it, I guess.

You regulate without fear. Yeah. So you're trying to make them regulate themselves without ever making them feel scared or putting in too stringent a boundary. Horshit. Yeah, my kids aren't scared of me even when I shout. They couldn't be less scared of me.

I said the other day that I just need to go to bed. I'm just going to go to bed. I'm not going to say good night. I just, you get older to. I'm just going to get into bed on my own. I'm saying good night now. Just let me get into bed. And they came into my room like half an hour later,

crept through the door and were like just jumping on the bed, like hadn't listened to anything I said, just lot and did impressions of me. I just need to get into bed. And I was actually really glad because I felt really guilty that I got into bed without, you know, oh, night, night, I love you, all of this stuff.

And the fact that they were able to take the piss was showed again that it's a nice, like everything is fine. Like they don't think I'm like this depressed weirdo. They're able to make fun of me. Yeah. It's okay. But the bollikins are fine

as long as there's loads of love. Yeah. If you are nice to your kids, supportive, if you have a laugh with them, if you're the fun, more, more dad, that's great. but like to have that final 20% where you can lay down the law that's why it's when you're just

a shit bag to your kids all the time where you start at shouting that's lame yeah no one wants to be that but be the fun dad be the cuddly dad be the one that like they play with but I love having that gear of like now I'm not fucking around yeah that's what Alfie does too sometimes there's the shouting from Alfie

he's completely fine fine fine fine and then something happens it's like I quite enjoy it's quite thrilling does he back you up whenever that's like whenever I just like come in as like the support team when they're taking the piss with Laura

and then I go listen to your mom you can see her being like oh daddy knows oh daddy come in oh she feels seen no no I wish that happened I wish that happened

I love playing that role because basically I'm like I'm trying to look like a good dad but I'm trying to get my dick touch later do I'm saying by Laura makes fun of me telling them off Alfie stands behind me doing like, like, like, does impressions. That's impressions of me.

It's so annoying. There's no authority apart from very occasionally. Can you go to, are your kids older now that you can go to like, right, I'm going to bed, sort of, well, I thought that would be the case the other day and they came into my, no, they're not quite, they still need handholding at all times. Oh no, we need, yeah, Etta's just about turn nine. And if we, like, if we did the thing of like, we're going to bed, just put yourself to bed. I think she'll be on crack by about midnight.

I don't know how she'd get it, but I think it would go from like, I might have a bowl of Cheerios. I'll fuck it, I'll have some skittles. I'll get some crap. I was sick a few weeks ago and Alfie was away, so I had to leave the older two to go to bed on their own.

I think they watched about five hours of anime. Like five hours. I came down at 2 a.m. And they had just sat there. Because anime, there's so many episodes. You know this? Yeah, it's like unlimited, isn't it, basically?

Like thousands of episodes of anime. And they, like, Donnie was telling me that he had watched something like 100, hours, a hundred hours of anime in the last couple of months. I don't know how, but it's there on Netflix. So that's good. I don't know how he's done that. But yeah, so they can't be left to their own devices. But I think you, more than anyone I've ever met in the whole world,

are the best evidence for some people are just very maternal and look, because you actually want more children. And I've been in your house and it's amazing. And I love all of your kids and I love you and Alfie. But it is chaos. like at all times and you're looking at that and going we should add at least one more yeah yeah I do think I've got some kind of chemical lacking like I need I need to fill some kind of hole and I don't know what to press for I don't know why I have it I just and I'm

really lucky that Alfie and I have this we because we had a baby by accident to start things off that we had a one-night stand, I got pregnant, which was not, like, because I have this, like, she loves babies, rep, which is not the sexiest thing. Like, I, people think that I, like, my biggest Achilles heel, or my fear of anyone ever saying to me is that I, like, I tricked Alfie into having a baby, which was genuinely not the truth.

With Alfie and I, when we first, we had this date, and I wasn't, I have polysister, I have polices, I have, like, I was told I was infertile, in my 20s, so I had unprotected. That doctor needs to be struck off, by the way. Yeah. Wow. Oh, God.

Anyway, now that I'm, like, basically, it's really, you probably haven't talked about PCOS that much in this podcast. We are. We have, actually, we are, have you? Like, in the last month. Really? Who? We've all got girlfriends, haven't we?

Yeah, do they all have PCOS? 30-11. My missus got told she might have it, but she hasn't. My girlfriend does, but my wife doesn't. That's good. Seneca's got endometriosis, which is like, Yeah, yeah, that's a few tears, yeah. PCOS is like manageable and weirdly is cured by pregnancy.

Weird, well, it kind of is reversed in a little bit. Anyway, basically I accidentally got pregnant with Alfie and... Yeah, but you've been together 10, 12 years and you've got four kids. Yeah, but I didn't tell him I was pregnant until I was four months pregnant because I was just like, how could I be pregnant? I wasn't meant to get pregnant. How could I be pregnant with him? And then he, he was kind of fucking London, like, everybody.

So I just thought, I thought it's my, it's like, I'm allowed to keep this a secret. And then when I was like four months pregnant, I, I text him. Oh, that's a heavy text, isn't it? It was. It was, I'd really planned it. Had you seen him in that four months? No. He tried, to be fair to him, he did try to go on a second date, too late.

too late. I already felt rejected, too late. How long's too late, Jesse? Two weeks. Two weeks is too late. After you fucked him, that's too long. It's playing it a bit too cool. And I didn't know I was pregnant when he asked for the second date, so I was still kind of angry. And also, my hypochondria also displays itself in SDDs. So I think as soon as I've touched a man, I have syphilis. So I believe that he had given me syphilis. Little did you know. He had actually given me a son. Who you named syphilis.

He texted me wanting to go on a second date, and I said, I'll only go on a second date if you have an STD test. And you show me the evidence. And at that point in his life, post-divorce, because he got married at 24 for like a year, he didn't want to be going out and having STD tests. He had better things to do with his time, like fucking London. so he never

he never texts back then I found I was pregnant and then I was like well I'll just I'll just keep this to myself for a bit and I thought I would lose the baby because I was like I'm not even meant to get pregnant surely I can't have a like a pregnancy that like happens

so I thought I would lose the baby and then I just wouldn't tell him and then I would just keep going on doing this job I was doing and playing a teenager weirdly and then I told him at four months and I text him, but I was on a train, so the text didn't go through in the right order. So what I, this is funny.

The first thing I texted him was like, hi, yeah, we need to talk. Please, but I also didn't want to be rejected from that text because I needed him to talk and meet me because I wanted to meet in person and tell him. But I also, if he didn't text me back, then what am I going to, I have to tell him by a text. So I was trying to do a text that was kind of like,

sexy, like aloof, but you have to meet me. So I was like, hi, yeah, would you like to see me again? I think we should talk. What would you get from that? I wouldn't get, hey, I'm pregnant, and we need to discuss our options. Also, the last contact you've had was like, I'll go on a date with you,

but I want an SDI, like, all clear results. No, we need to talk, it's quite deep. If you text me saying we need to talk, and we'd be like, oh, it's nice. I think we should talk, I think we should talk, it was. I think we should talk. We need to talk deep. Yeah, now I look back.

quite intense. So based on what I know the previous text was, which is I'll go on a second date with you get an STD test. Yeah. I would assume, here's how my brain would immediately go, I'd be like, right, she's got AIDS or something.

Yeah, yeah. She thought I've given it. Yes. She's now found out I didn't give her it, but she might have given me it. Yes, exactly. So I'd be worried I now have AIDS and you've given me it. Yes, that's what I was hoping for.

By the way, you would reply to that, wouldn't you? You would be like, well, I don't want to do it was that. Exactly. Exactly. So I knew that he was, I wanted him to feel worried. And then, I wanted him to feel worried, but kind of like intrigued, like, what's she going to say? Oh, she's frightening and kooky. Alfie cannot take, Alfie hates surprises.

I didn't know this then, but he cannot stand them. So he was having none of this. So he just texts back. The first thing he texts back was pregnant or diseased. So he had already guessed that it was either pregnant or disease. And then I had to be like, ha ha. Good game shop. Disease.

No, no. It's just, I think we should talk. And then he just wouldn't drop at you. He was like, why? Why do we need to talk? Are you pregnant? Are you disease? Which one?

And I was like, okay. And then the train went out of signal. I text back, look, I didn't want to tell you this way. But I'm pregnant. I'm 16 weeks along. I'm calling it bam. And it's a boy. And the scan photo of the baby.

But. oh no the scan photo the scan photo was the thing that went through first so all he gets is the scan photo of this human that he's made

and then and then the text just don't go through for like an hour as I get to Hungerford and then he obviously knows and it was so I had to tell him

by text in the end and then he was great he was amazing about it why are we talking about this Why are we talking about this? It was about Alfie hating surprises or something. What do you hate? You hate me.

Anyway, no, because we just like, it was all so haphazard the beginning of our... So how... I'm just interested, after all of that, you had to have the most loaded ever second date. Yeah. So you had to be like, should we meet up for... I mean, I can't go for a drink.

Should we go for a coffee? Yeah, now I look back on it, and I think, like, I don't really believe in things like soulmates or, like, the one. I don't, I obviously, that's all bullshit. But, sorry, sorry, do you believe in soulmate? No, absolutely not. Do you believe in soulmate? Yeah, Dan doesn't. You believe in soulmates, Adam?

That's so sweet. There's a special one person until I fall out with them, and then they're not that anymore. and then there's another one waiting for me. You wouldn't fall out with your soulmate? There's a group of them as well, isn't it? It's not just... Do you believe in a group of soulmates? There's a soul harum.

A soul harum? Yeah, yeah. I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do that. Muslims are a lot more ambitious. They think they can find all of them, like they're Dragon Balls,

whereas, like, most of us are just like, we'll just have one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. There you go, Islam. Dragon Ball Muslim. I just like the idea of, of, like, I think that we were, like, kind of... We're very, we fit together.

Like, we just fit. Yeah. And, like, so from my point of view, like, the second that we had sex for the first time, I was like, I am yours. That's how every man wants a woman to be as well. I've done it before, but this is better. And so what's so funny to look back at?

Because we were fucking, we were 26 and we were kind of, you know, we were stupid. I was going along with that in my head obviously not realising that's how I felt I thought I was playing it cool I wasn't playing it cool whereas he was like fuck I've just got this mad woman pregnant

what's going on what am I going to do so the beginning of the relationship was going we were on completely different levels but at the end of the day we did fit and like the children thing because we started off by having a baby I really believe that we just, that's our language.

We just kept having babies, because that's what we did. And it doesn't make sense to just not keep going until we have 12. It just doesn't make sense to stop, does it? It doesn't. Until I can biologically not have children anymore. I will keep going. Are you going to try and keep having kids until your eldest is having kids so then you go straight into grandkids?

That's the goal. And like I was saying about my storage stuff, which I have a problem with hoarding, baby clothes. Like, I don't ever have to get rid of them now because I could just keep giving them to my children. Like, I would love it. This is really bad, but I would love it if my daughter got pregnant at 15, 16.

I would love it. 16, sorry, 16. I just think that would be great. I just think that would be great. I just think that would be great. And I think, I think that more and more parents would encourage their kids to have kids at 16. Sorry, I just realized that I'm, I know I sound mental.

But I just think it would be great because then I can look after it. she can go and have her career in business. At 16? At 16. Still in school for two more years. Go on be a business woman. And then she can have her second when she's 18

and then I can just like, and then I'll be like, go to university now. You know, it'd be great. It would be great. I have had the same thought. Have you? Yeah, 100%.

But is it because of the world? No, it's because I was a dad a little later and I'm like, I feel like either Etta goes on to have an amazing, in career and she doesn't bother with any of this and I'm happy that way or she just fucks it in the wall gets pregnant at 16 and I'm like on the plus side I get to see my grandkids grow up yeah yeah like it's it's not that I want one particularly but I will take either exactly and I also think the state of the world like we don't know what the world's

going to be like in 10 years like they might be they might be told they have to have children young because the population is decreasing and like they might not get a chance to have kids at the luxury of 40, 40, people having... That is such a heavy thing to put on a 16-year-old. Listen, all the fish are gone, you better get shagging. The face of the planet is on you, and get out there and find yourself a lover. I don't want to hang out on the park tonight,

you fucking will. Here's the alcohol. I know it's dark, but they, like being able to have a baby right now at 45, 46, which I know a few people who've done that, like that won't happen for our kids because the world's dying. Wow.

Do you think that's how medical science is going? Or do you think that's... I don't know anything, to be honest. Oh, okay, cool. I'm just guessing. Right. I think it's getting easy. You have to have kids older?

It's getting... Oh, I don't know. I think that's a myth. I think that people like to believe that women can just keep having babies forever. Now, oh, the 40's the new 30. That's bullshit. No, but I mean, I think statistically it's not bullshit.

But women only have a number of eggs. Yeah. And they decrease rapidly. But men just like... Men's come. gets worse over time. Yeah. So you just still go, fuck, a younger guy.

Men over 45. Like, their cums not as good. Stop talking about my cum. Not yet. I've got three months. It goes, it's just like, it's a rapid decline for men and women after 35.

Yeah. And I'm here to spread that. Well, okay, that's why I came on this podcast. Like, it's fine one day and then it's just fucking dust. Well, I said, is it not a best, it's a best before date,

isn't it? Like, it will be all right afterwards. Yeah, it will. Yeah. sniff we're going cereal no tea maybe we're talking about come but then there's obviously exceptions to the rule

like there's O'Connor you know phenomenal cum he did though he was still Justinus was 80s when he Robert De Niro has just had his eighth kid he's 80 yeah so me and Sarah I said we're going to next so next Christmas we're going to Japan we're going to decide whether we'll have kids or not

because then we're about 10 35 and she said she wants to have decided by 35 so my it's a big decision for a holiday. The funny thing is, when I hear other couples talk like that about planning kids, I just find it so funny. Go on, why? Just because it's just like, you can't plan it.

I can't plan next week. No, we're not planning. We're planning to make the decision whether we want them or not. Yeah. I just would say, just go for it now. Yeah. We haven't made the decision. I would just say, fuck that, just to have a kid now.

Like, it's like having a dog, but just a little bit harder. Just do it. Or if you don't want to, That's obviously your choice. But I'm just saying, like, if you're going to do it, do it sooner rather than later because it's so much easier, I'm telling you. Yeah. So much easier.

You get so much tireder. I think the reason we've pushed it back is because it's a no. Yeah, yeah. Otherwise, why would we be waiting? Yeah, but I'm also so, I'm so kind of in awe of people who can make that decision. Because for me, it's like, I'm weak. I just, I could just keep having them because it's just like such a love surge. Like, I just want to keep that going.

and for people who have that self-knowledge and that discipline so to be like, no, actually, I would like these other things in my life and I would like to be, I would like to travel and I would like to have time with my friends. And I'm like, wow, that's amazing. I'm just like, everything just goes to shit.

But as long as I have a little baby, I'm fine. Have you got a number you want to get to, genuine? No, I think we're going to stop now, but I like, I like the idea of, I like, I don't want to have a baby over 40. So like, if we're going to do it, we're going to do it soon.

but I just know he doesn't want to and I do love him. Isn't five the same as four though? Yeah, everyone says that. Everyone says that. Once you've had three, it's all the same. Yeah, three is definitely not the same as two. No, that's a big jump, in it?

I can tell you that for sure. Three, going from two to three was so hard. It was so hard. Yeah, we called that. I mean, also, I'd have been 43, 44. I'd been this age when we were doing it again. I'm all right with that, but yeah we got a little unit we got a girl we got a boy yeah it's great i don't want to get a

bigger car yeah but also remember that me and alfie broke up so we broke up after having two so that that kind of it's almost like we're in a different relationship now so it's like we've had two kids in the first relationship two kids in the second we just we're just it's so different you can't compare our relationships from before and after also a woman's like laura's been broody recently because she's now sleeping again there's enough time in between like jack's birth and now And then she's gone, God, I just get this, like, I'm getting this sort of like, oh, it'd be nice to have a baby. She's my age? She's 39. And you thought about getting us from artificial insemination?

Yeah, I was thinking about that. The Christmas. There's old conages. They still sell it. I mean, it's a premium. It's like shurgars come. No, but they all. That's a big premium because you couldn't find them. Do you mean Frankl? I meant Frankl. It is. After 35, you just become so broody.

35 is like a switch that goes off. I've never, I wasn't ever broody because I'd always just had babies. And then suddenly I hit 35 and it was. like, oh my God, I just need to have one now. She said, she's dreading that because she's heard that. It's unreal. She's heard that. And that's why she wants to make the decision.

Your biological clock starts ticking louder. Oh, yeah. I mean, Laura's tubes are tied, so it's absolutely ridiculous that she's getting brooded. Plus, I would walk into the sea rather than get her pregnant. As much as having nine kids sounds great. No, it doesn't. And that's the thing. But Alfie, it's really interesting.

since we got the puppy, which is what he's wanted for so long, he has, his love for this dog is just unbelievable. And he already, we're only like two, three months in, he's already looking for a second dog. And like, we're going to have a second puppy. And it's like, oh, you get it. You get it. That's what it's like.

That's how I feel all the time. It's because you get that love and you're like, oh, we can repeat that. We can have that again. And yeah, it's completely mad. But, like, it's just, it's just, I'm mad. It's okay. It's fine. Fuck it.

And now you live in Liverpool and you've got space so you can get dogs and more. Has it been good, the move? Yeah, it's been, like, it's just, I feel really silly that we didn't do it before. We were going to do it in 2021. And then I backed out and he never forgave me. Because no one was worried about it working for Alfie. Yeah. Like, when it was like, oh, Alfie and Jesse are moving up.

Like, I don't think any of us were like, I don't know if Alfie's going to adapt to this. But it's great to hear. you like you've been here it's not been that long has it no i like it's we've been coming up for a decade and i've always like come here to write i always stayed in the titanic hotel and wrote my shitty little screenplays um and then i just always felt really at home here and then when we moved it's like oh oh oh this is what this is we should have done this so long ago and that's even more evidence about what you and alfi fit because he this has been his spiritual home yeah his whole life like his sort of

his mum's family at all from up here he's got a proper attachment to this city not just through football but just genetics and everything as well and the fact that you love Liverpool as much as he does

is actually quite mad within itself I think yeah and I feel I do feel kind of really guilty because for the last 10 years really we've done things because of me and my family and lived near my mum

and lived near my siblings and my brother died in 2019 and like that changes your family because if you lose one you just home and the idea of where your other family your remaining family is is very it's just very charged and so for me I couldn't have moved before now because yeah my family needed me and I needed them but it's really interesting like just as time goes on you're like oh no I I can branch out I can I can make my own home somewhere else rather than like being chained to living in a tiny flat in London

because that's where I grew up, so I need to stay here. But no, you can actually move anywhere. It's amazing. I think so many people feel trapped by family. And it's a good, if you've got that much family around you, it's a good thing in a way, but they feel like they can't move away.

And when we were going to do it in 2021, my mum and my sister were devastated. And they were very much the reason. And my mom has forgotten this. It's very interesting. She just can't remember it. but they were so upset that it made it impossible for me to move because it's like they were my,

also because me and Alvi aren't married and because everyone never has really taken us very seriously as a couple, for some reason, I don't know why, because we don't take ourselves seriously. Like the idea that I would have like a unit with him, even though we've got kids together, it's still not like, it's not really treated as that serious. And so for my family, like no, not slagging them off or anything,

but like I don't think they've ever taken the situation like of course I'm going to move somewhere because my partner wants to move somewhere like and now I feel like with time we're getting there and we're getting like we're able to create our own unit and like now you've bought the house the family have gone oh they're serious actually yeah yeah I'm just taking 12 years 12 years like and also I quite I always used to feel quite like

couples that are quite precious like I find that quite I'm always like why are you taking yourself so seriously you could break up any day they can never see each other again like even with kids we broke up like we weren't we wouldn't never been also that's a massive commitment like the fact that any of your family

like well they're not married it doesn't count you're like just a fucking piece of paper yeah that some judge can go yeah that piece of paper ignore that once you've had kids with someone no one can ever say that you don't have a tie that is forever just to give the family just a little bit of

their podcast is called before we break up again. I know, but that's just leaning into the bit. Yeah, totally. I quite like always being quite near to a breakup. Because it just reminds you that you do have freedom. And even if we were married, we could break up. But we're both so bad at admin.

Like we were just, we wouldn't divorce because we're just like, oh, we'd have to get pieces of paper. And we just can't, we don't open envelopes. We just can't open bills. And like, we're so in air. to be adults. Like a bailiff came to the door a few days ago. I opened the door.

And I was like, is this because of Alfie? What did he say? And he was like, and Becca, my little one was like, hello! And Alfie had just driven away. And I know Alfie saw. I know Alfie saw the bailiff at the door, but he still drove away. And I had to like charm the bailiff.

Who is he there for? He was there because of a fucking speeding ticket that the bill had gone to our old address because we don't change, we don't know how to do admin. So we just suddenly had like an £800 bill. And I had to then say, he's just gone to collect our daughter from dance. But I promise you, he'll be paying it as soon as he gets home. And this bailiff had come like ready to take stuff. Like he was ready to come in and take the piano.

That big, was he? I'm here for the piano, love. I'm doing. And this is not a fucking... This is not... But, like, but bailiffs and all debt collectors, just fork off. Like, the fine is what?

It's 75 quid and three points. Just because you've ignored it a little bit and some cunt has written three letters, they're like, that's £1,000 now. We've decided it's £1,000 because it's £1,000. We've decided, because you've ignored three letters, you owe was a piano. Fuck off.

You can have the money. How did he know you have a piano? No, no, he didn't know that he didn't know he had a piano. But that was, in my head, I was like, that's, that's a precious thing, even though it only costs 300 pounds and it was second hand. But actually what Alfie then suggested on the phone, when I called him, I was like, why is that a fucking bait up at the door? He was like, tell them to take the air bike.

You can't take the 800 pound air bike. Which you're trying to get rid of anyway. They're trying to get rid of. He's like, do you think, do you think they would take the air bike? I was like, I don't know. He's waiting in the car outside. So we need to pay it now. Can you add emotional value to our items and say that instead?

No, it's what they can sell them for, not what they can sell them back to you for. You're like, I love this spoon. I'm like, I lie. Didn't you put your feet on a seat on a Mersey rail train and then you ended up paying 700 quid? That's correct, yeah. How did they find you? They come up to me on the train and was like, right, we're giving you a ticket.

And then they went to my dad's, but at the time my dad was severely mentally ill and wasn't giving me any mail. Oh my God. And then that becomes, that was. That one foot on a seat, because someone's written three emails. Literally, I thought, on the metal bit between the two chairs. That's so bad. Cons. It was when I love for Danny McLaughlin, he had to lend me the money to pay the bailiff.

Oh, my God. Yeah, we're just so bad at any admin that I don't think we could ever get divorced. Well, I absolutely relate to you on that. Are you never getting married? Yeah, I would like to get married, but I don't have enough friends. Right. You don't need any, just a lope with the kids? What does that mean?

Yeah, well, I just, my side would be empty. I would have like three friends. Just put all of your children in it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could fill it with family, I guess. But I don't, I don't know. Hey, now you're up here. We've, I'd fucking love another wedding.

I just think I feel like embarrassed. That'd be great. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry. Sorry. I did one in the eight as well for doing what a people. No, I know, I know.

But like, that shows you're popular, like, to have a wedding abroad. Fucking hell. Like, that's, people travel for you. People wouldn't travel. To be fair, I have a friend who's now coming up to Liverpool. I'm like, oh my God, that makes me feel really, like liked you'll get on a train to see me oh my god um no i don't think because he's been married before so it's kind of like lost its edge you know and also all of our um couples who are you know that

we're in our in our childhood and like we don't know anyone who stayed together and that's so depressing but it's true like we don't know any we don't have very good role models just do it for the party so that we can get married we didn't get married we've been together for 14 years why we got married We didn't get married, like, oh, that's what you do. We were like, I think we deserve a nice party. Yeah. They went to Japan to decide if they were going to get married. It's a good excuse.

I read this thing that says, you know, when somebody didn't want to get married and the other one did, the one was like, look, there's parties for everything. There's parties for christenings. There's parties for bar mitzvahs. And, like, why shouldn't there be a party to celebrate love? Like, just make one. And that's the thing that I love about Liverpool. and it might be a up north thing.

But I do find that everyone is so good at celebrating good things. Oh yeah, any reason to get drunk on a Sunday afternoon. Oh my God, I love it. Their baby's got into the school. Let's go to Boozer. Yeah, and you know the business that's thriving up here is cards. I see so many people buy cards, like greeting cards. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Like, I've never seen so many cards get bought. Is that a not? I thought that was just everyone. I really don't think. I think it's an up north thing. might be wrong, but I just can't, I just, every time I go into Ashtra, I'm like, why is everyone buying cards? I don't buy cards anymore. I know, but it's the, oh, they are very, like, I'll get cards off my aunties for Christmas. I'm like, what are you doing? Like, I don't

think men have been driving the card factory profits. Like, it's pretty much a mum's, aunties, wives, the sort of thing, isn't it? And people put out Christmas decorations, like, in October. I've seen Christmas decorations. That's bad, though. I quite like it, but it's just, It's also like, wow, people just love, like, being happy and, like, it's just a much happier place up here. I'm doing my Christmas decorations on Sunday. I didn't get them up the other day. Ours are going Monday.

Yeah. When's the first? It's time. A real tree? A real tree, fake tree? No, fake tree. We've had a really nice fake tree for the last few years. Yeah, I feel like fake tree is also big up here.

Yeah, everyone has fake trees. Yeah, ours is. But you can just keep them for life. White, silver, really classic. Oh, okay. Break time? Is break time. uh young jessica cave um sort of i'm it feels remiss to not talk about two things with like

normally this second section we go straight into questions and stuff but i feel like there's still a lot to get to that we didn't get to in that first but i i don't think me and you despite spending a bit of social time together i've ever really discussed like you were in harry potter like two with the films? Yeah, I was in two films, but technically it was three. Yeah. I just die in the last one. You're in the last one, yeah.

Spoilers. Just die. You played Lavender Brown, which is sort of Ron's first ever love interest. Yeah. And I've always sort of wanted us to know, when you were in it, when you were younger and you did that. How old were you when you were in it? I was 20.

But you were playing a teenager? I was playing, yeah. Yeah. What was that like for your life? Were you getting recognised everywhere and do you still get recognised from it now? It is so complicated the whole thing because like it was 2007 when I got the part it was like my third ever audition

completely mad I wasn't meant to do acting I was at art school so I was wanting to be an illustrator and then I had done a few auditions but I don't know really why I was really thin at the time and that's relevant because I was thin and I dressed like quirkly

and somebody said oh you should and look how things have changed And they were like, you should act, you should act, you're thin, you dress weirdly, you should, you would be good, you to do that. And so I thought, oh, okay, I may be well. And so I did audition for a kid's agency and I immediately got a job, which if you get onto an agency and you need to get a job, they're like, okay, let's try with her. So they did. I got a Nokia advert and then I got a small part in a film called Ink Cart playing on. a water nymph and um got a massive eye infection from that and then it was like i hate this

they put me in a lagoon as a water nymph with two models and me and the two models was savvy enough to not go underwater in the warm dirty water but the director was like you you in the middle you go down underwater and then you'll get close up so i was like okay went down under water i got this big close up and my eyes opening it like swimming it's really like cool and i'm got the worst eye infection, you can imagine, and it destroyed my year. That was the first, that was the first bit of acting for me. And then I got this Harry Potter audition. And again, like, the odds of getting that at that time, because it was really big.

Yeah. At that time, it was like seven, over seven thousand girls auditioned in the end. And I got... For your role? Yeah. Wow. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

I think I got it because I had really good chemistry with Rupert, Grintz. And we just got up. and we're both one of five. I immediately talked to him about having siblings. And, like, I made him laugh. And I think a lot, I think that was my edge because the role was funny, but, like, I did make it funny.

And I think they were, that was my first realization that, oh, maybe I, maybe I should do comedy, actually, not acting. And then everyone, it was like being gaslit Because every single person said, this is going to be so big for you. This is your big break. You're going to, this is going to be, you're going to just be this actress. And I was like, I don't think I am actually. I don't see that happening.

And then, lo and behold, the, like, big recession happened. So, like, no money anywhere, nothing getting made. The film was in the bank, so it had been filmed, but it hadn't been released. This was 2007. So they held the film back. finally released in 2009 in that meantime had no money went back to art school did my like a bit more of my illustration degree didn't ever finish it went to secretary school worked to urban outfitters did loads of different jobs and then the film came out in 2009 by this point

I gained two stone so you work in urban outfiters when it came out no no no no this I did I did like probably six or seven different jobs in that interim period um but basically I gained this weight which is relevant because again you are the acting industry is brutal and i didn't look like i did in the film i looked like somebody yeah and i was wearing at the premiere and stuff like i got this mad dress made from a gala art school like she made me this polka dot creation i looked like a meringue like it was not classy it was not what you're meant to do you know if i had played it right if i had been like the actress who's you know thin and stylish and has a PR and like goes to the premiere and and looks at the camera,

like it just was not me and didn't work. Just could not get a job. And so... People just take a photos and you're just like... No, the worst thing about it was so Lavender Brown had curly hair. And I was so innocent,

I was like, if I don't have curly hair at the premiere, then they won't know it was me. So I should get my hair curled for the premiere and got out the car at the premiere. Oh, I'm so nervous. I got out the car. The second I got out the car, the heaven.

opened and it rained on me and my curly hair in seconds went from like lovely curly lavender brown type thing like dead straight I looked like a drown rat that they took a photo almost immediately which is my big moment so the whole thing was like right it's never going to happen it's never going to happen you have to get another job this isn't you are not meant for this acting and these are your feelings at the premiere of you big break I just remember the premiere just being like I don't think I know I'm really proud of my performance in the sixth film and then and then I did go back to do the last one and by this point I was now two stone heavier basically an extra role didn't I had maybe one line and then I just die and I was treated like I was invisible because they do if you don't look the part you get ignored if you aren't somebody who is going somewhere you are nothing and I learned that lesson so quickly and um So yeah, I would love to look back and be like, oh, it was so great, and I had such an amazing...

But actually, no, it was like a baptism of fire. I learned everything about the industry within a couple of years. And then I was like, right, I need to do something else. So I just immediately got into comedy. It's there. But, like, for the years that followed, where you're getting recognised a lot, where people being like, fucking out,

you're all laughing the brown, you're that girl from Harry Potter. Does that still happen now? Yeah, yeah, it still happens. now but that's because I I'm I dress bizarrely and people kind of you know I've kept an image of myself like quite intact because I because I'm I'm I'm I'm scared I'm scared of aging I'm scared of like looking different to how I used to I don't know how old are you 38 that's mental yeah you do not look at it thank you all especially I'm not in Liverpool I can get some aesthetics do you know what aesthetics are no aesthetics like where like aesthetics that

everything up here. Like, I see so many people going to, all these aesthetic centres. It's so exciting. Is that like getting your lips done and Botox and that? Don't do that. No, I'm not,

but like it's quite, like it's available. It is everywhere. Have you seen that like trend of like the Australian effect online where people move to Australia and then they look completely changes and they look more in Australian.

We could do one of them with you in two years. Like the scouse effect. Like you're this proper like scouse bird. I am, I am getting a boob job. I don't know if that's a northern thing, but I am getting a, a boob job.

I don't think that's a northern thing. We'll have a party for it. Bigger or smaller. What do you think, Adam? I don't know. I don't know. I know somebody who has them made smaller.

I want them, what not. This could not get smaller. Let's be honest. I've breastfed four kids and I feel like I would qualify on the NHS but I can't be bothered. So yeah, I want to get them

fucking massive. My gal. Do it. Do it. Are you actually going to do that? Yeah, because I know, because of the psychosomatic stuff, I know I'll get breast implant illness, so I know I'll have to have them out within a year.

So I'm going to enjoy them while I can. I'm going to get fucking massive ones, then get them reduced, and then just have a full mastectomy. Just to really fuck Alfie up, just really, like, just tease him. But do you know what the best thing is? I really recommend, like, saying you're going to have a boob job,

to your partner, it's a really good trick because now that we've like dangled these like massive fake boobs in the air, like I'm going to get them I'm going to get them. It's like I have them already. What do you mean? Because like no every time

like he sees my boobs it's like we're both imagining. So it's like I already have them. I already have them. They're there. You got psychosomatic tits. It's like Polanski again. We do.

My missus sort of will their tits into existence. She just before COVID had planned to have like a boob job and get like big tits. And then post-COVID she just was like, oh shit, I've got tits now. That's amazing. Yeah, they're just like sort of, I think like hair long COVID was tits.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good side of the fact of the other. Yeah. Also, age, like your boobs change with age. Like, so she probably just developed them, like late. Yeah, possibly. Yeah. No, she will be.

them into existence. You've got small boobs. Concentrate. But yeah, I want my only fans to pay for them. That's my, like, that's my going to be like my send-off on Onyfan is like, if you buy me a boob job,

then I'll finally be able to like, because the awful thing about, not awful, but like, the thing about doing Onlyfans is that you do realize your assets. And my asset is my, the fact that I have, like, ridiculously long hair

that I can play with. But, like, Like, now I'm every, you can only go so far with, and I'm not saying I'm going to like be topless and like do porn, but I just think that they would be an asset for me. Yeah. You think big tits would be an asset on only funds. I think, I think. Jesus.

I'm like a secret formula you're fucking insight. We're getting here. I think I'm onto something. Because yours are very non-sexual only fans, isn't it? It's like hair and, is it? I promise you I've not looked. I thought it. It was, I thought that was the thing.

It wasn't as... I would like to, it's very sticky territory, okay, but like it's, it's a technique. I would say it's a non-sexual page, but it's a fetish. So a fetish is, by its nature, sexual because people are hopefully wanking to the stuff you're showing. Oh, yeah, that's pretty, so it is, it is like, you want them to be aroused. You want them to be aroused, otherwise I'd just be putting it all on Instagram. Like, you want it to be, that's the, that's the...

but I'm lucky with my position because I dress like this. Like, it's not like I'm being, my Instagram is very geeky. It's not overtly sexual at all. And so for me, I had, like, hidden cards. Yeah, you've started with a lot in reserve so you can... If I had just been posting, what kind of throws me sometimes and I kind of get quite, like, if I had just been posting the photos I'm,

or videos I'm posting on Ony fans on Instagram, Instagram for years, which are all safe, safe for work, I would probably have a shit ton more followers. But because I'm not like that, I post like ironic, geeky, silly things that aren't, you know, friendly, algorithm friendly. So it's a really interesting thing. It's like, oh, I've, what I've done is I've monetized that side of myself. And I'm, I feel like pretty fucking cool about that. Like, I've never even posted a bikini pick on Instagram.

So like for me doing the things that I'm doing on any fans are they for me are like I'm pushing my barriers. For those who don't know anything, because we've sort of just hit on it but like not, you know, very directly. Your only fans is hair fetish videos and pictures. Yeah. And it's you doing various things with your hair. Yeah. For people who like that kind of thing. Yeah.

And I don't know how the fuck I thought of that. That was going to be me question. Like, where did that come from? Like, where one day are you going? Do you know what? I'm going to call me out and OnlyFans and really kidding. Well, the truth is, like, we were completely fucked for money in January and I was not getting work as an actress.

After, like, having a couple of jobs last year that were soul destroying in lots of ways. And I, the majority of my career has been writing, like doing Edinburgh shows, writing, and then trying to get stuff made for TV and film, writing a book, all that stuff. Like, I've written, my whole life for very little money and then it got to the point where uh we were moving and

we had like walls to paint and things to pay for and i i was like i don't think that i don't think that they're going to have any money i'm not getting any work like nothing's happening and i was out having a drink with a friend who's bald and um for some reason we were joking about my hair We were joking about, I was like, well, you know, everyone, in order to have a career, you have to be, you have to be on it on social media, you have to, and the only thing I do on social media is I plant my hair and I do funny music as I'm plating my hair. And you was like, well, that's what you should do then? That's what you should do more of? And I'm like, but what am I going to do if I'm just plating your hair? And then it just was like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And then I just, I don't know, I just thought of it. I just thought I'd make, I thought I'd make like a thousand pounds. I was like, if I make £1,000, that'll be great. If I can make £500 a month, that would be great. But you've done £300 a month. Yeah, I've done fucking well.

I've done shockingly well. Do you do the cost of, like, people pay a little bit more and go, can you do this specifically? Well, so basically, a lot of it was people thinking Harry Potter actress does porn, our subscribe, see her do porn, and then unsubscribe. Obviously, I'm not doing porn. and they all left.

So all of the people left. So I did do well at the beginning, but that was all fake because they all, it was a gimmick and, you know, they see that I'm just going like, like, they're like,

holy shit, what is that? That's not what I signed up for. What is the strangest request you've had? Or like the thing where you've, what's been the most way? Okay, the biggest surprise. Yeah.

has been wet hair. Wet hair is like my money maker. I would not think that I was a surprise. The, the, the, the text, how the hair changes with wetness and the sounds that that makes. So, I get that.

I get the sounding. Squeezing hair out of the plat, like hitting, hitting myself. Oh, these big, these big tips are going to do a world of good for your only friend. Like lots of that.

But it's all so tame. It's like, quite sweet like it's really nice and what's so funny is you do get like the hundreds of messages saying uh can i come on your tits but then you also have like the the lovely like oh my god I love how your ends are shining in the light and um oh my gosh could you just show me what it looks like some gangsters in London like how your ends is shining in the light you know like I love the the the how the volume of the hair over the shoulder is is and how you look to the camera with the hair strand just over your eyes.

And do you have armpit hair? Like really sweet stuff like that. And so it's just, it's, you have to wade through the, like, the messages, like, demanding you to go nude to get to the lovely men who just genuinely love hair. All women. Those are women, too. You just like, like hair.

I love the ambition of those, can I come on your tits, men, you know? Because, like, just the idea that, like, you might be like, Just say yes. What I really need is some common mites. How quick can you get around? Just, it's so funny because I have been so direct with what I offer. Like, I could not have made that clearer. I am doing hair stuff only.

And, like, it's not sexually explicit. I'm not doing sexual content, even though it is a fetish, blah, blah, blah. And it's just amazing how many times that just goes on death is. Like, no, I want to see them tinnies. Yeah, we're not bad, I just do hair stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You lie? Why are you lying? And what you're all doing is getting a boob job to show them, then.

It's not about boobs. And I just think it would be, because, like, it's really interesting also the fact that I'm a mum of four. I have spent 10 years mothering and being like, like my camera role on my phone is 99% kids. And in the last, since I launched it in March, it's just been really nice to be like, oh, fuck. Yeah, I can actually.

I can look hot sometimes and I can like try and do something with my looks and not have to like write a like a really sad essay about it. I can just like I can try and look hot and that's okay and I can maybe get some money for it and sue me but that's what I have decided to do after six years of it being really fucking hard

and like that I like playing with that like the idea that you can be a mother and watch the Gruffalo and do bedtime but you can also want to like, you know, get some money to be desired. Be desired. I hope Laura watches this episode. Come on, Loss. It's time.

The OnlyFans. Dan just really wants to watch the Gruffalo. What? Come on, Loz. I've been asking for months. Get paid for washing your hair. Get your babs out. I'll watch the Gruffalo.

I really've tried to, I think I've accidentally become like an OnlyFans mentor because I've had so. many messages from mums saying how do I go about doing this I've got amazing hair or I like I don't have amazing hair but I've got like really good thighs or like people have been coming to me with that you know basically their body parts they're like how could I I'm a mom to I want to make my own fucking money I'm at home all day I can do something let let me like can you give me advice and it's really really nice to be able to be like yeah you are fucking hot yeah you should try this you should try this you should try this it's really nice and like we're

it's available like it's a platform that is available for people to make money on like try and I really did not think it would happen and I didn't think I would last a year but um it's paid for what we needed and now I'm enjoying it and if I make some money great and if it dies fine and you've set your boundaries having you it that's the good thing they do get pushed but they they get pushed as my confidence increases. So, like, for me, looking back at the stuff I posted in say month one,

I'm like, it's hysterical. It's hysterical that I thought, I thought that would be worthy of course. Give us an example. Like, I think she did before. Like, me and a hat, like me and a hat with my hair

just covering my face. Just like. Like Blair Witch? What? Like Blair Witch? Yeah, like a, like the cousin it type thing yeah like someone was like finally the cousin it porn that i've been looking for the funny the the thing that i had to kind

of grapple with is that it isn't really about your feed it's about the messaging so that's a day job and i didn't expect myself to be doing that kind of thing i didn't expect myself to be like planning content and that to be part of my week but it's different and i've just i wasn't getting work as a fucking actress and i'm i don't want to go to edinburgh festival and make four grand. I want to do something. I spent two years developing a show for Edinburgh Festival and I

made four grand. Like I can't. For two years where? For two years where I cannot do that again. And also that's not by going. That's how rig the Edinburgh Festival is. To make four grands like you're doing well compared to a lot of people. After spending nine grand on accommodation.

Yeah. It's fucking insane. So like I won't ever do that again. And if I do that again, it would be a completely different thing. Like, I am writing it, I'm obviously writing a show about this new era for me and it's like been really,

it, because there's lots of it that's very funny, but like there's no way I would ever just go to Edinburgh Festival like I did before. I don't have the money and I don't want to spend that money. I resent that money now.

Yeah. So yeah, it's, it's, I really recommend it to everybody. We'll put all the links in the description and stuff, but do you know what your, is it onlyfans.com slash. Jesse Cave.

Could not be simpler really. No, that's really good. Yeah, I like that. You got that username and no one beat you to it, you know? No. They didn't. Shall we do? Have you got,

Adam message you about the have a word? Like, it's the name of the podcast. It feels like we should do one. Yeah. Can I play the jingle? It's really unsatisfying when we don't. I feel like this is going to be about Alfa. I also really worry that it's not that, like,

interesting. Yeah, but that's what you said when you came on the podcast and it's been fucking great. great. Okay, shall I say what it is? Do it. Okay, Alfie, Alfi's a really laid-back guy in lots of ways. Like, he's really open and he can't really rock him.

It's amazing, actually, sometimes how resilient he is in lots of ways. But for some reason, he won't let me put bowls where I want to put bowls in the kitchen. he has to have the kitchen drawer that is the most like inconvenient drawer possible for bowls and plates he likes to have that directly under the hob like directly here and he likes to have all the plates all the balls all the little plates

all the like weird everything in that little drawer and he won't let me have another draw he won't let me have another drawer for balls and to keep bowls like he's like he just gets rid of my bowls the whole time like I love balls and he just keeps he keeps he keeps taking away my balls what do you need so many bowls for

bowls are good man you need bowls honestly I said I what my favourite and it's a bowl yeah 100% I don't know what's going on balls are the ones it makes it quite shit you need a ball I got a bell that many times you can say bowls

what's going on I get it honestly are you with me yeah right When I first met Alfie and he came back to my flat on our one-night stand, in my cupboard, he looked in my cupboard and I just had one bowl. Ah! That's bananas. And he was like, what? And I was like, I only need one bowl. Why would I need more than one bowl?

It is the best bit of crockery. It's the best? Oh, 100%. And he won't let me have my bowls that I want. He has to have like this very few. He likes... Matching. No, he's fine with mismatching stuff.

But if he doesn't like it, he puts it high up so I can't reach it. And so there's loads of spoon, again, spoons and bowls are all I need. I don't need anything more than a spoon in a bowl. And I have loads. He got some fancy spoons when we moved here as like a lovely, housewarming thing. And then I bought my shit spoons because I like my shit spoons. And he, again, has confiscated my spoon. And he's put them high up.

The lowest level gaslight impossible. What the fuck is he doing? What would happen? Because Laura loves a move around of the cupboards. and it's a little frustrating but why am I arguing? What would happen if you just went home he was away gigging and you just moved everything?

Would he literally... Oh my Lord. Yes, so would I. That's just a fight, I can't be asked of him. And he would almost sense it from wherever he was. The balls move! He's so weird, it's really weird and I want to know why.

Like, where has that come from in his childhood? What happened with bowls and spoons? Like, why is he so particular? an anal about this kind of thing. It sounds like your anal about them, though, that you really like them? I just want to keep them. I just want to have more than two balls.

You're a confessed holder. Yeah, but these are, like, you need bowl, like, when you feed kids, you need, like, you need their dinner plate, and then you need their, like, I don't know what you do for dinner. Actually, I don't want to know. Like, I don't like...

I have nothing to do with dinner. I've got my kids on my own all weekend, and we went to us at the, yesterday and I bought every little thing they like snacking on so a main meal is not important Oh yeah, that's great. I just want them to graze all day because

Gail dinner? Yeah, like oh I'm going to make a fucking, I can't even name a meal. Yeah, that's how bad I am. Oh, it's only because there's only two children meals. There's only two children meals. Oh no. No one fees their kids more than two meals. My, Laura's so on top of it.

They're having salmon, steak, other foods. I have no idea. Spag bowl, meat balls. Shit that, yeah. Really, really good When it's dad time They are having grapes And chopped up cucumber

And friedraders and sliced ham And I will just let them graze all day Galed dinner all day Oh it's a, we're having a weekend of Gildener Yeah Great You know how much of a lunatic is with food though I just got that, yeah

I just got that I actually remember yeah Yeah, yeah chicken dippers Yeah You like chicken dippers They might have Jim I mean if I'm making a main meal If I'm making a main meal

Yeah they'll have chicken dippas With sliced cucumber Chicken dippers is our, like, three times a week, chicken dippers. Just chicken dippers either. I used to bother with extra stuff. Just chicken dippers and yogurt. That's all you need. Yeah, and then...

Bashamil sauce. You make special chicken dipper sauce? No, Bashamil. He likes Bashamil on stuff. Oh, right. I asked Dan last week to take us through what he... Was that on this episode? On the Patreon.

Oh. Because we're recording this a couple of days after we did the fair staff. I thought it might have been on this, but we asked Dan if he was trying to impress Laura, if she was like, hey, you can fuck me to know. in the bum if you make me a really good

three-course meal what would you make and every in that bechamel in every course I said risotto not knowing what risotto is really

and I mentioned bechamel without really knowing what the fuck bechamel is but it's really been locked into you cook

like if no so like even if you would just cook for you and Alfie I'm I think I have a weird thing

with food like I could eat the same thing every day and Alfie couldn't. So I could eat the same, like I could survive in a jungle, like just beans and rice,

like beans and broccoli, fine, like chickpeas, like nuts. I eat nuts. Like nuts is mainly what I eat. So Alfie cannot do that. So he cooks for us and I let him do that. But actually it's quite a relief when he's away because then I don't have to be fancy.

And in the jungle, they all have a beach broccoli nut shop. That is literally, whenever the man goes away, the girl has gale dinner, which is just all of the different flavoured nuts and hams. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. Without the ham for me.

I go, what did you have to eat? And she go, I just have eaten. Yeah, yeah, a bit of everything. But he, like, he actually cooks well. And I'm like, why are you chopping garlic? Like, who are we? Who are we? Like, you don't need to chop an onion.

Just throwing in there. How you're so fucking fancy? Fucking whole onion. He got this new fancy chopping board the other day. I hate it. Hated so much. Hide it with your spoons. I should.

I had to. clean it while he was away and I hated him. It's a chop and ball. Yeah. And the worst thing about him cooking as well is that he does just fucking leave it. So I have to then deal with the aftermath and it's like, yes, you could. And he's like, but I cook you a lovely meal. I'm like, yeah, but I know it's a clean. I prefer to eat like an apple than this. So you don't have to clean up after the apple.

It's too much. Yeah. It feels like you've met the right person and so have I. Because if you and me were together, that would be a horrific slice cooked. Slice cube. cucumber nut creation every time. Just fucking five bowls, no chopping board, and just girl dinner constantly. My mum was like that too. So my mum,

when we grew up, there wasn't very much space and she would eat dinner after giving all of us our different dinners, five kids, different dinners, because we were pathetic.

And she would eat her dinner in the kitchen on a kid's stool next to the bin so she could just immediately put the rest, what she didn't eat in the bin,

be done. Like, she's, she's a very practical woman. Like, I think I'm quite similar. I'm just like, you need, what do you need from the day? You need nuts. That's all you need.

I could eat just like, I've already, like this morning, I've had my calorie intake for the day. How many nuts have you had? Sorry, what, you've had 2,000 calories of nuts? I don't know, but I don't want to know

actually how many calories that freaks me out, but like, I've had a lot of nuts. Why do you need bowls and spoons then? Well, when I'm on my own, I don't. but with the kids they need their like they need their bowls of yogh yeah alfie we're having a word with you balls are nuts like it's cereal

I'm just gonna efficiently fuel myself for the day yeah it's what I need a bag of nuts a bag of all humans really need is peekins right I'm due death any time now what the fuck is a pekin I'm a controversial guess

I thought that was a bird Tukin Oh that's a Tuchin I've been eating Tuchin I've had my calorie intake today in Tukens I don't know Can play that game

All you need is a Pekin because it's got zinc Just need zinc and vitamin It's all you need Calories protein zinc Vitamin That's what I've been saying I'm Tuchins

I try and force feed him Alfie Pekins for his sperm because it makes your sperm like amazing Yeah the more zinc You have a magnesium Ropes have come Yeah

So I try and get the Pekin He's He's not accepting the beacons from me. That's how you know he doesn't want another kid. He's hiding nuts around the house. Oh, he's doing everything possible. Yeah. He's probably had a sex with all I know.

He's just tricking me. Yeah. Jesse, that's been fucking amazing. Thank you so much for coming in. Thank you. Onlyfans.com slash Jesse Cave. You've got the podcast with Alfie, which is before we break up again,

you've just launched a Patreon for that. Yeah. And it's you and him being really sort of warts and all about the trials and tribulations of a relationship and parenthood. And on top of that, you've just launched a new show with Sarah Badham, which is a combination of clips and will eventually be a YouTube thing?

Yeah, yeah. What's that called? It's called Mother Sluts, and it really is those things. It's us talking about motherhood and also talking about sex in a way that I'm not entirely at ease with, yes. You'll ease into it. It's just like the only fans. Yeah.

So that with Sarah has been really good, but doing the podcast, Alfie, has been really, I really think couples should do podcasts together. I think it's really good for your relationship or your breakup. But like it is like almost a way of us doing couples therapy without realizing because we have to actually listen to each other,

look at each other and entertain each other for that hour. And I'm so glad we did it. I've been trying to get them to do it for years. And so I'm really glad that we have now space to do it properly. It is a very focused conversation. Do you remember the first, God knows how it's like 70 episodes? It is the most focused conversation you can ever have. Yeah, yeah.

Especially in my spare room, because we were sat facing each other in a small space. And you come away going, fuck, that was, because every other, like, conversation you have, you've got your phone around, something's happening, you're thinking, oh, maybe we'll get a bite to eat, or you're on your way to somewhere. And that is just an hour or so of one-on-one. concentrated conversation. And also... And that's how me and Adam fell in love.

Yeah. But you also have to be very in tune with each other. So, like, know that you're winding down with that anecdote. You need to pick it up here. You're dragging with your energy here. You need to be less... I'm very negative on it a lot of the time.

And he's really good at, like, bringing me out of that. And that's been really therapeutic in a way. And then when he's been down, I've been trying to be up. And it's like, yeah, I really do think it's, it's, if it's, you know, it's a nice small community we have of people who listen. But like it is, and I don't think we're that conventional in lots of ways.

It looks beautiful as well. It's really well done. Your clips are amazing. Like the slightly off lighting and the way it's edited. And also, I mean, I could listen to Alfie talk about anything. But it's got a really nice sort of pace to it as well where I think a lot of podcasts are trying to do what we do, which is like Phil, every like gap with a laugh at the like my my wife loves your podcast and has been following you

for a while and at will's wedding had to try and be not a geek about it because she because she met you and then she was like hi i do know quite a lot about you i liked it i liked it so much it's a really the tone of it is is really nice because there isn't many other podcasts like it yeah and we've had to keep it's so easy to get sucked in when you look at other things on social media and be like, oh no, but we should be doing something like that. That's what we should be doing. Oh, we want our clips to go viral, so we should be doing this and we should be doing this.

And then we've had to kind of like just think, okay, no, we're just going to be having a chat about having kids and being in a relationship and I'm opening up a little bit more. Like I used to be really guarded about talking about anything to do with Harry Potter or anything to do with sex or like self-esteem or, you know, and it's really opened us both up, I think. You've got a massive following on Instagram and online. It's diminishing.

It's diminishing. Well, let's try and get it back up. Where can we find you on the groom? It's just Jesse Cave. But I do feel like Instagram hates me. Like it keeps like, you know, restricting me for all my explicit sexual hair content. You know, wet hair.

Wet hair Wednesdays. Well, thanks for doing it, mate. And we're going to close out with the song, Finn. Have we got a fucking song? We do have a song. Thank you very much for the messages on the stream. So last week for burning out my tune. Our last headline show of the year

is in Rough Trade on this Friday, 5th of December. There's some tickets left in the description. Love to see you there. This week is a artist called Joe Massey and it's his tune, Jacob Gets the Lafs. Enjoy it. Thanks, Jesse. Thank you.

See everyone. Back to finish. Jacob gets his kicks from anywhere. Martha's good at maths. Jacob gets the laughs. And though their minds are filled with things to be, Still, he plays the fool. She gets the grades for trade school.

But she won't do you wrong when you go down to the pond. it'll fill you up inside with lots of funny things to say and you can tell by the look in their eyes they like it that way but she adds up to him more than he can take away and there ain't no use for sliding when you just come out of hiding But she won't do you wrong

So go on, boy, go along. Divided by the world that Martha's in Jacob walks around the town Looking paper thin She finds a job working in aerospace With the boss who runs to get He's taken Jacob's place September comes along

And you've been awake for far too long It'll fail you up a song It'll fill you up inside with lots of funny things to say. And you can tell by the look in their eyes, they like it that way. But she adds up to him more than he can take away. And there ain't no use for sliding when you just come out of hiding.

So please don't wake me up till the breaking light of day. Was the first thing that she said to me First time she stayed And now it's just a night That there's another things to say And there ain't all used for falling When there's bells to pay So tell me

What we're wrong When you go down to the Oh, do-do-do-do-do-da-do-da-da-da-da-da-do-do-de-da-old.