Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #363 with Laura Smyth - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: January 12, 2026

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I've been informed that I have to start wearing orthopedic shoes. Who buying orthopedic, doctor? Big shoe! Big shoe! I went and got my feet looked at. Whoa. For Kilimanjaro. Yeah.

I went and got the same thing. I imagine when you went to adapt to get your shoes. They looked at your feet. They make you stand on the thing. Yeah. And he looked at mine and went there, fuck them, lad. You need to start wearing orthopedics. and he went, because he went,

you'll be all right for now, but this could lead to pain and your knees and your lower back at some point. Like you've already got. Yeah. Yeah. What are your feet doing? What them feet do?

Oh, them flat boys. So you meant to have a little... I've got too much rar. I've got a high arch. I got... I got non and over for... I'm flat footed. Are you on your tic toes?

What? Are you on your tic toes? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I'm wearing high heels. That's what they said to me, the hiking shop, when they messing me up, You've got to stop wearing high heels

and I was like, I want to slay. Go to a proper charopidist? No. It's easy view to say. I probably should at some point. So who's diagnosed you? The fellow who works in the hiking shop? He does work with feet every day.

Oh, right. I thought you meant a medical professional. One of orthopedic shoes. They just don't want to make the big massive wedges on the bottom. We've got one bigger than the other. No, they... I mean, that'd be a problem because his legs aren't... I mean, if they did that to him, that would be amazing.

They basically... put insoles in your shoes, like force your feet to off the arc. Oh, Danny, had them in school. Did he? Yeah, because he had flat feet in school.

I think he's still got them now. Yeah, so you just get a little... Oh, in my head, it was like sketches. Do you know, like the slide-on sketches? You don't just have to wear shit,

Shaneys. So is that, like, bending your bones? You really bending my bones. It must be. It just be... Like, it fucks me... It fucks me. Not, like, with your body,

not with, like, the stars. You get taller? What? Do you get taller? If you go on your tips, I'll get a bit taller, yeah. So I'm actually six, five now. Wow. A big orthopedic shoes.

Yeah. Oh, well. This is why it works as a podcast. I've got higher hotches. He's flat-footed. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, so that was a...

And I was like... And he was like, look, he went, it's going to take us a while toward, like, maybe a week or so, toward the shoes. But I need these shoes, stop, because we're going... Tams of it. That'll have, like, the... arks in foot and I was like,

mate, just, what have you got off the rack here, bro? That can just get me up that ill. And he was like, well, what have you been wearing? So far, I was like, well, I climbed Snowden on the worst weather day, the year to the day, in trainees. And he was like, that was stupid, wasn't it? And I was like, listen, less the asses you do. Shut up, shit, fuck my goat.

Oh, shit. So you got the best the shop had in? Yeah. Right. Scarpers, mate. Scarpers. Whoa. And I actually kind of love them.

I like how they look. Yeah, but you've been in your, uh, camp. to Austrian mountain phase for a while, haven't you? So this, you know, this sort of fits the aesthetic you've been rocking recently. If you're tall we're ball in them, mate, it's never coming down. They're absolutely bastards.

And they're very, very, very comfortable, to be fair. Have you always got like the slack in the heel like when? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, it's nice and it? I don't think I'd like it, but I like her. You need it, don't you? Because your feet swell when you're walking for 14 hours a day. Something like that.

Something like that. So, yeah, that's, you know, that's where I'm at in my 30. year old life. I've got to wear a pensioner. Do you just keep your scarpers on? No, these aren't, these aren't good for my feet. Oh.

Like, these are good, these will do. Right. But like I need to... Can't you buy the insoles then? Huh? Can't you buy the insoles? Like, prime. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

But then, I mean, what, what is going to be good is I'm probably going to be like a size 12 or sort of, no. And I can get a bigger shoes and everyone don't think I've got a bigger car. Because they've got to fit like a hill in them, essentially.

So you've got to wear bigger shoes. Big shoes. You've got to wear taller shoes, aren't you? So you have to wear massive orthopedic shoes. Fashionism, may. You'll hear him clumping onto stage in the autumn. Here it comes. Right?

It's exciting times. Yeah, you meant to wear grasses as well. You don't do that. You're just going to be another one of them. I got my eyes tested and they were like, if you want, you could wear these. Is that what doctors usually say? There's varying degrees of blindness.

If you want. He's like, you should wear. this if you're reading or driving or walking. Heavy machinery, love making. Podcasting. When I put my glasses on, I don't notice any difference. So I just don't wear them because I can't be asked with having glasses on. Also, he went through his lecturer phase and it lasted about an hour and a half.

Yeah. Did I wait at you hurt? Yeah, didn't he house somewhere. When I take my glasses off, I can't find them because I don't have any glasses on. Is your eyes that bad, yeah? Is your eye? I'm, I can't see you now. I can see two fingers.

If I squint, but then that becomes problematic. You look like, so Steve doesn't sue his glasses off, no slam. Some people look like moles. The higher the prescription, the higher the prescription. I don't think you look bad than your glasses off.

Mine, mine aren't far off. His, can I have a guy? You look fine with your glasses off. Do I look like a mole then? I feel, yeah. I thought I'd like, look. You've instantly. gone to an 80s film.

Oh my God, yeah, you look like. You look like you should be in Ghostbusters. Yeah, but, Adam, they change your, like, there's enough of a prescription in there that it'll go a little weirder. Try Harry's on and watch this. This is like going in a K-hole instantly.

I almost fell over then. Oh, dear. I don't know if they're just dirty. Oh, they're all pretty dirty, like. Oh, clean your glasses. Oh, God. Is it like when you're drunk and it's slow-mo when you turn?

Yeah, that's exactly what it's like. I can I just slow your eyes down I can only see like shapes that's why you can't drive he's fucking slow-mo I honestly feel like I'm on like the seven C's which one all of them I want that'll do you fuck me

I love playoff when I first put them on I was like oh it's not that bad and as soon as I moved oh they're so dirty Harry as a glasses this is an unexpected it's also mad how much more you suit your glasses than those that's insane suit them glasses. You look like you're about to, like, reject the council application.

No, I'm afraid we can't do that on Tuesday. It's only Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. We do the bin renewals. Oh, I'm getting a new bin. You suit a thick brim, like a... Yeah, I need it, because I've got a big pasty fucking Anglo-Saxon head. I was going to say that, but I avoid doing it. Thanks, man.

Come on. Oh, he's clean his glasses. I used to have to do that for my grandparents when they were dying. It's fine. I can catch. No, you can't. You can't catch with your glasses on. I was going to give it a good go.

I was to see if I could. Thank you. It's bad. You wear them all deck. If I put glasses on, I know I've got glasses on all times. But you're not on contacts. Can you have contacts?

I've always been scared about putting stuff in my eyes. I get that. Yeah, but like, when we were going to do the wrestling, I was like, yeah, maybe I should get contacts for that. Because I couldn't see anything when we did the wrestling. That was a worry.

This makes my eyes waste. Oh, you suit glasses. Yeah, yeah, because it's not your prescription. Who said that? Yeah, they will make your eyes worse. No, but like,

they both made my eyes worse. You can see shit. I can't see shit. It's not a magnifying. It's not like if you have 20, 20, 20 vision, you put on glasses you can see through walls. I got 20, 30 vision. I can't see you in focus till I'm there.

What? Stay, you're blind, you brother. You look, and I mean this literally not as like the schoolyard's You look gay. She is. Neither the screwyard slam. You look like the quiet gay. Did the book?

The shy and the human gay man. You know, like you work in the office and you're just like, ooh. Does glasses equal gay or is it just Carl? No, Carl just looked like a gay man once he put those glasses on. Yeah, to keep me eyesight, me then. You did keep doing this.

He doesn't look like a gay man right now. I can only see you when I can kiss you. Come here. Pull me. My uncle used to think I was gay when I was younger. Yeah, sounds like it. Because I used to walk on... Because you didn't like it.

I used to walk on my tiptoes. You're going to say water then? I just walked. He's like, he is gay. So he had a good gay door. And he was like... You don't know, Harry, no, he didn't. Yeah, that's...

What? No, he didn't have a good gay door. No, he was just trying to groom you. Well, I think it was like... Oh my God. Gay doesn't he kill pee the philed hand? No. That's some harsh accusations there.

It sometimes does he be like, this one's gay as well. I think he went, he's either gay or he's on the spectrum, but I love pussy. Like, do you think your kids are straight? Listen. I'm going to defend the point, right? We're doing an uncle thought I was gay, right, when I was a kid, and he was gay. It sounds a bit groomy, nothing to do with the sexuality. Like, you're basically going, come on.

No, he didn't ask me if I was, I didn't know what gay was. How old were you? I suppose if he was thinking about your sexuality at all. saying it to you? Is he saying it to your mum and dad? I think he said it to my mum and dad. I think not gay. I was just a bit camp,

which I was a bit camp. On my third birthday, I dressed up as Peter Pan. That's not normal. Yeah, but we had a mud slide and I wouldn't go on it in case I got my clothes dirty.

That's, again, so normal. That's pretty gay, though. You had a mud slide? Why did you all ignore? It was just uncle's ass. There you go. I thought Adam was going to do it. Turns out what Carl went for.

Yeah, we had the mudslide. What do you mean, had a mudslide? Where did you live? A big long garden. This is what we doing, skim. Put the water on the mud. And it rained on.

Happy birthday, Harry. You're a little gay. Set the mud up for, Annie. Go on. And everyone, and everyone was sliding on the mud slide, but I didn't want to get me Peter Pan.

I don't fit dirty. I get that. I want to be... No, but I look back... Do you know what? That's possibly one of my biggest regretting life was not going on that mudslide.

I do think about that often because there's a photo of me. Like, my brother's completely covered in mud and he looks like he had a great time. And I'm like, you know... You had a mud fight with Dan in Turkey. Yeah, that was me reclaiming my youth And that was pretty gay

I seen an Instagram real last week Of a load of lads who on like a rainy day Got in bin bags And went like flying downhills I got sent it as a suggestion for a Patreon special I don't know what the special is But it could be a good clip Maybe we could do a special

But it's just man play Can we do jackass Hey jackass Hey jackass Because I keep on seeing There's these group of lads Who must be they're like 14 But they just like jump off roofs and that

That's all Steve wants to me By the way Steve's goal to get us to do a jazz special. I think it's part of someone's day, if it's the summer and we can find a hill, get some proper bin bags, and some love honey lube. Let's look the lube up a hill, man.

Oh, he gets sponsored, yeah, like the. Man Play Special. They just flew down. It looked amazing. It looked like... That's actually a really good shout to Man Play Special. It looked like, you know, the Red Bull dudes that fly.

They've got the wing... They've got the wingsuits. It just looked like a really budget council version of that where you weren't actually flying but everything was the same. All right, it looked great. Didn't a girl do that and a egg come off? Oh, well, that's going to take the fun out. Isn't that when like, you know, when you just swing back on your chair

in school and then go, people's on. No, no, no, no. A girl, like, went down a snow wheel in, like, Oshin or something, and a leg come off. Do you know what? Someone... She was set up to death and she went straight into the guillotine that way. No, there was a fence at the end and he just cut her head clean off. What, what told me to Google? Girl, snow, downhill, egg come off. I'll know a name when you say it

Downhill. Felicity Tickwangle. It's a Nordic kind of sounded name, I think. Like Anne, something or Anna? Uh, I can't find it. It was the thing. I can't find it.

I know it was the thing because it was a very popular joke on Sycopedia, a cool website that we all went on. Yeah, but skiing's a lot safer than just whizzing yourself down a hill on snow in a toboggan or like, in a bin bag. You're basically like, this is really fun, but there's no way of stopping.

In Skem, it used to be a real problem that people used to go up to the beacon hill when it snowed and just go down in baths and road signs. Then none of the roads

had signs anymore and there was loads of baths at the beacon for like six months. Toboggans are like, what, seven quid? Yeah, but everyone has a bath. Road signs are no quid.

Everyone has a bath that's plumbed into their house. No one has a spare bath. We have at least four spare baths. We have. No, company has ever bought more baths than us that haven't been used as a bath.

And camping. When in doubt, we need a bath. It's an arena show. Of course we need a bath. We've got a tobogging that someone gave us a few years ago and it's just never worked out. Didn't someone get it for a Secret Santa?

Someone's done Secret Santa. I think it was Steve. Did you buy Sean one? Steve's bought someone a toboggan for secrets. One of the little handle ones that's just like covers you or a full, like, sled. It was a full big, big, boyly.

Oh, class. It's a good gift. Up there with kites for me. Never been tobogganin. No, a big kite for me. That was a tea in the middle. Dan, yes.

You were like a drama kid, weren't you? Yeah, I did a bit, yeah, yeah, yeah. So did you ever... Tread in a bull, denim, you know? Did you ever have to sort of face any allegations from family members that you were a part-time postman? I think my dad spent... A lot of my childhood pretty convinced I was at least bisexual.

Yeah. But he just disliked me enough that he'd never bring it up. You know what I mean? He's like... Was he not kind of right? It wasn't like, we need to get to the bottom of this. He was like, he's a fucking weirdo. I got that vibe.

My mum, you know... Healthy. My mum was healthy for a while. Thanks, Carl. Took a turn, that one. She encouraged it. Your bisexuality. She wanted a little year.

Not the bisexuality. Now you've kissed a girl. Who do we need to get to get to now? I think dad was just like it's a sport guy and he was I feel like we've got different genes me and my dad

I know we've 38 it's like the clothes we all laughed at that I'm a sharpie's I'm from my mum's side I've got like I'm look like my granddad I look like my granddad my dad's thicker than a snickers

beefy did you tell you mum or dad the first time you talked to woman said that again did you tell your mum or dad I don't know whether you're going straight at home to tell my dad See?

Like Charlie Bucket with his golden ticket I've porked a woman What's that smell? Me! My mum was there when I kissed a girl For the first time Who was it? Charlotte Dennis

There was a comment in the middle of them It wasn't Charlotte And Dennis The allegations from my dad were true Was it at a party? It was at a school disco Why was your mom there? She was kissing fellas.

She was kissing fellas. She was kissing Dennis. She was on the PTA, so she was running the tuck shop, not a euphemism. She was literally. She was running the trans clinic. She was running a trans clinic. Really progressive in West Lancashire at the time. Anyone want to be trans?

Quickly? No. Bigots. How old were you when you kissed Charlotte Dennis? Year 9. 13. Oh yeah, 13. So first kiss and losing virginity was the same year?

No, it was the year after the big V. Was she there for that? No, Charlotte Dennis wasn't. She was just there for that kiss, and then she got off with Michael Hubbard. I'm still quite rapid that from first kiss. I'm like the Theo Wolcos of pussy. Fast, man, lightning quick.

You've been called up. Your mum was Capello. Is it Capello? I think she... I think she saw Sven. Sven. Sven. Yeah, my mum was Sven is a horny guy.

Both died of cancer. Oh. No, not Sven. We're not Sven. Oh, we're doing some jokes, but not all jokes. He lived his dream of managing Liverpool

shortly before he died. Yeah, my mum nearly became a deputy head in Bamber Bridge. So, we've all lived. Sven was the Greg Biffle football. Oh, the rest of the thing is Greg Biffle. Harry, you think we're joking about Greg Biffle? No more Biffle banter, please.

There's no more Biffle banner. He's kids, his wife died. in that helicopter crash. Is that funny? It was a helicopter crash? It was a car crash? It was a car crash? One of it?

Pretty sure. It was into a helicopter. It was into a helicopter. That's a bad race, isn't it? Here's a plane. VAR. It was a plane.

So no one gets the points. But the main thing is, R-I-P-G-Biffel. Seriously. His race name was the Biff. Greg, the Biffle. Mate. Mate.

Listen. The two people who commented were a bit upset about the biffel banter. He was called Greg the Biff, Biffel. The Biff. The Biff's stinking it off today. We're not joking about it because we're hurting too. But Sven and my mum, fucking, who cares. Yeah, so I snogged Charlotte Dennis.

She was so tall that she was sat down and I was stood up and we were looking into each other's eyes. What? She was year 10. She was an experience. She sat on the floor? You go off of an older girl at this. I mean, Carl, I can't make it any clearer. She was sat on a chair and I was...

What? She sat on the floor? Right. She had a very tall torso. She had no legs. She was all torso. She had lovely eyes. And I think my mum saw from the tuck shop and then immediately took me home.

Absolutely. What case you fucked her? Cockblock. And then I got to school on the Monday and I was like, oh, I snog the girl. And everyone was like, wow, wow. who do you snogging? I was like Charlotte Dennis

And then Mike Hobbes too went Oh I snogged her as well And I felt a little pang of jealousy Oh What a rat? Yeah Hubber's fucking stup Bear stashen you reckon No I got

Yanked by my mum You got yanked off by your mum I got you That's disgusting I'm still hurting over biff Alright That your mum's nickname That's what I go

Big crossover RIP All of them Two biffs And then he got off because she was just looking for love. And I'd been taken home, yeah. And then the next year when you had sex with a woman,

did you tell your mom? No, no, that was... Why did you? You seem insistent on... No, no, no, but I mean, he was in school, wasn't he? If you're like... Yeah, but there's some things you keep private. A lot of people tell their parents about their sexual, particularly, like, activities.

I sort of had the opposite thing. Not that my mum was coming to me going, I got wellied last night. It is what I mean. I don't think I've ever told you this. But, like, you know, my mum and dad broke off. And we tried to get back together a few times. But it never really saw the last for an extended period of the time

where my dad had the chance to have, like, the birds and the bees chat with me. So there was one time I was in the bath and my mum come in to try and have that chat with me. And I was like, get out. And there was another time where, so once my mum and dad had split up, the way the nights would work is, me and my brother would be sent to bed. And my mum be like, as soon as he's asleep, you can come back down and watch the tell you with me, but go up to bed with him so we think she's got the same bedtime,

and he's going to sleep. Okay. Right? And I come back down, and I think I was about 13, maybe at this point. Might have been 14. You're in the birds and the B zone at that age. Yeah, it's like we need to start talking about fucking pussy in that, brother.

It's probably not worried like that. Come here, brother. Is he asleep? Check he's asleep. Let's talk pussy. Go. But I remember my mom trying to sort of bring it up to me in like a good parental way.

And she's also, you've got to remember, off a fucking box on vodka and sleeping tablets. Oh, God. So she's trying to have, she's like, listen, nice. And I remember the saying to me, she was like, you'll have lost your virginity by the time you're 17. That's just when it happens.

By the time you're 17, you'll have had sex and you just need to make sure you're doing it like this, this, this isn't this? Being safe, consoms, you know? Hey, hey, shushes. quite difficult to follow though mum stop dancing

through the birds and the bees ta da da da da da my cooper spoon tell you what these awkward moments got a hell of a rhythm spoon jai jazz poop I am the one and only

and I didn't have sex until I was until I was 17 that's when I lost my virginity and I remember like as it was coming up to me 17th birthday. I remember being like

fucking three weeks left here, bro. Oh, you're gonna let it down. I took it. It's like a fucking target. By the time you're 17, you've got to lost your virginity. Not by the end of your 17th. Yeah, that's the message I'd took from it.

She was like, by the time you're 17, you'll have fucked and I hadn't. So I was like, I'm a fucking waste. Is your provisional driving license? And she's called Mary. Happy birthday. I think 17, as a parent, like, that is a number where you're like,

realistically, it's going to happen. 17 sounds like a good option. I'd take that option. If Aetter and Jack got to it, they were like, oh, it was 17, fine. Any younger than that starts. But if Jack was like 40. If he was the 40-year-old virgin,

oh, God. Still play with his diamonds. Absolute stepbrothers. Got my mind. My mouth. Come in my mouth. Avengers! It keeps putting girls off.

Just as he's about to go. Here's the question. Okay. Because as you're saying, like as a parent, and we've got to try and remove your actual children from your psyche with this. Think about...

Imagine other kids that you haven't had you with your second family. Right? Other kids fucking done. Right? So you're saying like 17's like a realistic, like can't complain age for a parent, right? I think most parents have just have to accept that, yeah.

But obviously by that age, they are still definitely living at home. and it's very unlikely that you're going to be like, hey, come around, wallet me daughter, we'll be downstairs watching the weakest link. You just go upstairs, have a good time, and then it's all safe and lovely. It's very unlikely that the boys' parents

is going to do that as well, do you know what? So where's the... So what are they fucking... Put her in the premiere in? What's going on? Where are they fucking? Where is my imaginary, definitely not my daughter getting wallet for the first time?

Ideally, garden office. Oh, it's on the property. It's better than down the park or a premier in that no one should have paid for. You what? So we've had chats about this, about we'll be the sound parents who are like, look, come round to ours,

we'll get you a couple of drinks. Like, there was, there was a, in our group of friends, when we were kids, there was a couple of parents that were like, yeah, you can have a party of ours. I'm here. I know there's a limit of how much trouble you can get up to.

And then there was like, my level of parent that was like, no you never come around here nothing's happening and you don't do any of these things you're like cool so i'll just go and do them somewhere else then yeah yeah and then she was like well if you're going to a party i want to speak to the parent that's home when you're there so like my mate andy crabtry had a party and he got he was seeing a girl from one of the schools in losterk hall and he was like she's bringing a load of her mate it was like the most exciting thing it was a sleepover as well what the fuck was going on and my mom was like yeah you're not going unless i can speak to a parent

So Andy Crabtree had to go Hey, I want my mate Danny to come But his mum's a fucking psycho Mum Will you just speak to him Be like, yeah, there's no girls There's no drinks And she was like

Yeah, of course I will So we got there There's what a woman There was booze out She's literally like Do you want me speak to your mum Is she a bit full on? She's like

Hey this is Nying girl Yeah yeah Oh they're just around here Playing McConnell Yeah We'd probably talk about the Bible In a bit Yeah.

See you later. Fucking, what a legend. Absolutely. Did you get sucked off? I can't fucking boos. I was sleep over poofs. It's great.

That's mad that. You fucking mate to Mark was organising teenage gangbangs. Yeah, probably. Too far on the other side of the scale. But at the time, I remember being like, apart from the smell of this house,

your fucking sound. Do you smell of teenage sex? No, I can't remember who was Andy Crop Tree's mum. It was one of the, it was one of the mum. Ha ha. Bancor it was. I can't remember if it was Andy Crabtzies, definitely, mum. Andy Crabtzsche, because he was hard at school,

in my head, he's still fucking nails. He was gonna turn up right now. Be like, hey, so I'm not fucking mar. He was absolutely the cock of our year. I'm not messing. I am. But, like, what do you do you do? I don't mean?

What, like... You've got to... The Ritz. You want it to be special for them. The Ritz doesn't make it more special. Yeah, it does. What? It absolutely was.

Have I got to go to look at the Litz. London with them. I don't know. I feel like in a way day is the best way to do it. A hotel would have been the best way for it to happen. Birds and the bees

is going to get expensive for me, isn't it? Right. How you love? Things are going to be happening, but you're nearly 17. Here's two tickets to London, first class. Right?

You're staying at the Ritz. That won't be awkward for you at all. It's 17. It's cost me 850 quid. It's a junior suite. Have good time. Don't do any room service.

I'll fucking kill you. I think it's like leave the door open three inches, isn't it? And don't make any noise. What? What? The parents are usually like, you know, well, keep the door open so I can see what you're doing. Hey, wink, wink.

No, no, Carl, wait, no. That's what people do when they don't want their kids to be shagging. They're not going, leave the door open, so I can watch you fucking. That's not what they're doing. Like, at all. You're fucking. Genuinely scared about Andy Crabtree finding out that I've said his mum smoked.

What's with this, like, fucking... My shoulders fucking killing. Yeah, what did you do before the episode? Oh, got in the fucking cold plunging. It was so cold. I think I... I meant more how did you try and remedy it? I asked Harry to give me a shoulder rub.

Yeah, and I walked into that as morning. He's dysplexy? It doesn't mean I don't know where to... I wasn't rubbing his knee. Well, you've heard of him? But he's got... He's got strength, you know what I mean? Yeah. Do you know how he...

Do you know how he looks like dense, heavy? He's got the strep. He's got some of that strength. Yeah. Yeah. And he whispered things in my ear. gonna get strong. I lost it in air and I was...

Like it. Yeah, same. I lost it in air, and it wasn't like a... I don't remember of being massively... I think what's happened there is her parents have gone, you know what?

She's gonna have boyfriends. This one's an all right kid. Yeah, I was like... I think if you're a little shitbag, maybe you're not getting that invite. It's been over a year, we've only, you know, we got together. We were 16, 17, we were happened.

It wasn't like I was just some random lad. I was... It's... It's the fucking dream is that Etta goes, I've got a boyfriend and then is a whole year later and he's a nice kid. Like that, he's a loud round, in he? Yeah.

You think back, like, I don't think a dad was in. I think he took two weeks on Aldi or something. I think I'd go out if it was my daughter. I know that's probably sexist or whatever before you start typing, oh, Adam had leave with his daughter but not with his son. I just, yeah, I'd shut up. Yeah, be outside the door.

Go on, Vinny. I can't remember it. Keep the door open, five inches. So I can't think me caught. Let the boy watch. I actually think the house was empty. They're looking back. I think they knew.

I'm like, let's all go Macies or sort of Marley. No, it was the night and I think they'd gone. 24 hours. Maybe they go, oh, look, like,

no, dad that night. And then we both knew intrinsically, like, that was going to be. I think she's probably on a web and then I'm going,

eh, you just go to bechamingo. Give us to 11 o'clock. Mom, dad. There's two tickets to London. He's staying at the Ritts. Yeah, I think the house was empty. I'm getting reglid, if you know what I mean.

I think it was empty because I was dreading at me. What? We don't have it. Like, you're not, you're not, you're not, you're not just like your first sexual encounter, isn't it? But the pressure you put on that one act. Was it her first time as well? Yeah, yeah.

We were both, I said, we were both teenagers. But you were in love. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it was great. It's all nervous. It's a nice memory to look by hand, but like, I would fork me, the anxiety was so big.

See, I just didn't, because I was a bit pissed and it, just, so. have happened to me in the toilet to BBGV. You're just taken away from you. Yeah, I have my virginity taken. Yeah. Yeah. Ours was mutually, let's let it go.

But I'm glad it happened that way, because it just took up, like, I never had any anxiety by my first sexual experience. I got pushed onto the bog and rode like a fucking stallion. That's why he likes horses still. That's what their tattoo will be about. The girl I lost my virginity too

had a whole extended family upstairs. Her grandparents, her cousins were all over for her. Were you downstairs? It was her 18th birthday. I didn't really know her. And then, but I was invited to her 18th birthday. By you?

By her. She knew of me a little bit. She knew what? Yeah, like I'd met her before and stuff like that. She knew of me. What's that to say? You'd like from that up to school. Get him down.

Yeah. He can fuck me. We can have like a little next room as well. He looks strong. Get him in. And then. Why was everyone upstairs and you were downstairs? That's something unusual.

We went on a night out after the party. Yeah. And then I, we were both bladdened and I took her back. What, like a wrestling move? What's this? I've told this story before because we're... Take her back! Well, because when it, I told it, age, but when it happened...

Oh, yeah, you fucking body slam. Yeah, I didn't know. So when you said, oh, we've all done sexual stuff, I'd never had a sexual encounter. Oh, so your face... Oh, I didn't know what. I was full sex. I was boxing the pussy and all sorts.

Like, I had no idea what to do. So you hadn't done any in sexual before you had sex? No. I didn't finger anyone or anything like that. Wow. And I took her back to hers and then did like some mouth stuff. But that was when I was like... Kiss and Harry.

That's when... Did you go down on her? The foot? Yeah, well, I didn't know what to do. And I like to please. What a fuck? Was it their first time? I haven't got a clue.

We've avoided the eye contact since. I saw him where the spoons once. I don't think. And what night is that if it's her virginity is all? And you go, guess what? I'm going downtown. I'm a pleaser. What's then we would...

It's bad though, isn't it? Because like, you think. think that. But again, this is a sexist thing because if he'd, like, if she'd gone straight for his car with her gob, that does seem normal. Yeah. It's more of an expert move, isn't it?

As a man. It's not beginning moves, is it? But he haven't done any beginning of moves. It's just mad. No, and this is when... How then your cock just go off instantly? If anything, I struggled. Because you're, like... Yeah, and nerves. By her, like, and also, I mean,

like, she was a lovely girl, but I was kind of doing it of the fact of, like, someone fancies me on the night out and I hadn't lost my virginity yet and I was like, well, Harry, you're not on your own there, kid. There's a lot of lads. But you're both 18. It was her 18th birthday. I must have been 18 or maybe I was 17, 17 close to an 18.

But she was on the, there was the thing that she was on the couch and I did jujitsu at the time. That was the closest I'd been to sex. So I did the S grip around her leg and essentially stacked her guard on the couch as I was having sex with her. And then I heard, I heard, and her legs. Her legs are up like this and I've got it like that and I was like going, yeah, you're like that, whatever.

And she went, was going. You weren't saying, yeah, you're like that. Whatever. I was going. Oh, the ref should have stopped this one. Really, I was going, your parents upstairs. And then she was going, and realized I was just essentially just choking her

because I was dumping her entire body way onto the back of her neck. So then I stopped. And then we fumbled about a bit And then I started to sober up with how surreal it was And she was still blotted So I stopped and got her in water And she didn't have enough oxygen to the brain

And sat there until she went fell asleep on the couch And then got a taxi on Oh so neither is finished No, I think there's something that counts I don't know whether it does Oh Yeah, it does It does, there was penis out

Do I mean? I think you've got to finish No You don't have to finish No So if he just dips his cock in once Takes it out as he lost his virginity Yeah

One dip? one dip is all it takes what was the second one um let's have all of them chronologically to me the second one was if you finish I was in a relationship

oh nice okay you got you got with someone before you'd fuck them yeah but for like kind of that's what I did but I was yeah I kind of not really

yours is an exceptional circumstance you used were fucking about you haven't got an official got together day because you were shagging my first girlfriend we were together for a little while. Because you were nine years old, Carl. He was an adult man and he was like, you're my girlfriend and he hadn't knocked there.

I did that once. I did that once. I started seeing someone. I was like, I'm going to be a gentleman about it. We were seeing each other for about five weeks. We were going out. We were like girlfriend, boyfriend,

and then we slept together and it was, oh, so bad. So bad. Yeah, but that's the nightmare. That is what's seeing each other is about. This is not, this is not, a masculine bro podcast thing, by the way. If you're a woman as well, get fucked before you commit.

Yeah. They're seeing each other bit, the dating, is due diligence on a relationship, in it? D-U-E. D-U-E. Dilligence. You've got to test,

you've got to pretend you're a couple without committing to the relationship. We'll go on a date. We'll see if you can do that. Maybe meet a couple of my mates or whatever, and we'll sleep together, and you could spend a bit, and need a bit more time,

and a bit more time, you go, you're actually all right of all these things. Let's be boyfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend. If you try and do it the old-fashioned way, you haven't done the proper diligence. To be fair, mine was a bit fuck because, so I live with her in like uni halls, and she was a bit nervous about sex or whatever,

and then COVID hit. So then that would just pause it. And she was six to. I paused what? Well, I couldn't go out shagging when COVID it. I thought you were living together? No, everyone had to go home from uni So I was just at home with my mum

And she was at the other end of the country And then when we Oh, maybe When we did have sex She was She wasn't happy with me That afterwards I was like, what's wrong? And she was like gutting and she was like

I'm just annoyed that like I wasn't the first one Oh my God But she had lost her virginity And I had as well But with that girl that dumped on her head So she... So she'd been wall up before? Yeah, but she was fuming that

she wasn't like the virginity snatcher. That's mental. Yeah, bad signs. That's red flag, pull up the pole instant. I'd stay with her for five years. I feel like I've done a lot of kind of ex-bashing, but her parents were great. Do you know what I realize?

Yeah, but the alternative is me and then everyone's like, fucking still interfair, isn't he? Yeah. He can bash. Very obviously I don't know. You've beenos it up. You always find a way to go in.

You know, everyone thinks I still love Fay because I love fake. Fay, Fay, Fay, Faye, hey. Did you tell your mum when you'd, uh, no? No, you just go. Oh, you don't, why would you, why would you go home and tell you, you do, but I'm saying you do, but I'm saying, I don't think anyone does call. I don't know where you, I don't know where you got this from.

Hey, mom, do you remember the birds and the bees? Fucking wall up. Hey, thanks for the advice. Are you girls? Yeah. Like, I mean, girls are a lot close to their parents when it comes. I think what you're doing here is, you've, you've, gone, Seneca did.

And you've gone, everyone must do that. No, it's more common for girls than boys to be more open with parents with second. But you keep asking us,

like we're going to have gone. I'm just trying to keep the funny conversation going. Okay. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

One all from the snap I had at you call from before. So let's call it. I'm very open with my mom in terms of pretty much everything else just not like sex stuff. I think your mom would your most.

Yeah, She's, she's, like, I tell her about it, yeah. Genuinely. I tell your mum when I have sex. She's very supportive about that. I don't have to tell us mum, she's there. Nice. Because he's,

because he's, banged her. It's great. So, well, as your dad never asked? No, but I've told you about my dad's birds and the bees, chav, and I, I think. She might say she's got the headache. No, he was pissed. He was pissed. I don't know whether my mum had told them to do this

or whether he just did it of his own free will. He came in. into the living room. It was just me. I don't know what I was doing at the time, but he came in and he went, I need to talk to your mitt. I was like, okay.

It was like, when you have sex, you wrap it up before you slap it up. And then he just went to bed. I just got deja vu. I think we have heard that. Oh, I thought you meant because that's how your mom sounded

when she did it. I'm been on the sleeping pills, me. Wrap it up with a bit of tahini, bit of shablet. I never had the birds of the bees. By anyone? Like my parents never did it.

School didn't do it. Same. Until like, yeah, school never did any birds in the bees chat. It was more like you could get genital warts. We had a whole lesson about like STDs. That's great. That's great birds and the bees. Yeah, but I never had, which is why I had no idea what to do.

Do I mean? Oh, hang on. I'm a low enough. Yeah, I don't think birds and the bees is like, and then you want to like spit on it a little bit. Yeah, but I remember really struggling to find the whole of first time. Go on. I actually remember, and this is so funny,

and it's so embarrassing for him and for me, but my cousin, Danny, who's six months older than me and we were really, really, really, really good mates when we were, like, kids, because we were so close in age. He'd come and stay in ours quite a lot, and I remember him, like, I think we were, like, 10, and I remember him giving me, like, a step-by-step sex lesson. He's like, this is how you do it, that.

He didn't fuck me. He just like, I think he showed me like on a pillow is what you would do. And I remember my mum like interrupting that. Like she came in and we had to be like and she was like, what were he doing then? And we were like,

oh, we're just talking about footing. But I did have a sex lesson off me 10 year old cousin. But where did he? But he was 10 and a half. So he was an experience man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But where's he learned? I don't know.

Thinking back though. He knew what he was doing. So I don't know who he was fucking at that age, but. Adam took them. How disturbed would you be if you walked in on your kid and their same age cousin

with one of them sort of fucking a pillow? What are you up to? Yeah, footy. So I just think fucking Liverpool need to really fucking attack the league. No, see, I bring it up me,

I'll be like, are you wearing it? You fucking that pillow, aren't you? I think it's... You couldn't say that to my kid. No, you can't say it. What if he's not? What if you've got? What have you've misjudged it?

What do you mean fucking a pillow, dad? You move on. You move on? What do you move on? fucking a pillow, Dan, forget the matter. No, but if you're like 80% certain, uh, talking about foot, I'll be like, what were you, what was going on there, boys?

Come on. What's talking about? I'd be like, right, right, right, then, you shut up, what were you talking about? And then you're separate, who live, people are gonna, separate rooms, like two kids who've committed to murder.

Yeah, he's heard of these holders. He's only told us that you all up in pillows. You may as well, no, come on. No, it was footy. No, I bring it up. Be like, come on. Let's get the embarrassment out of the way. You were shagging pillows, right?

But what, what? Why? For what ends? Because he can be like, he hasn't got a fucking jar of glue. What he's doing, mate? Right, get me a cushion. I'll fucking show you. This one walks in on you.

You white porches. I just think they're fuzzy. Put the cushion on top. Two scared kids and Carl. Oh, I talk about formations. And then she goes, right, no. You in there. You in there.

You haven't got enough rooms in the house. and then she starts showing, you know, this is how we like it. And the grandparent walked in. Ah, fuzzy. I just think getting out, get the embarrassment out. I reckon I'll talk to my,

if you have her kids, I'll do it. Yeah, Laura reckon she's going to be trying to be, you're right though about the girl thing because a mum and a daughter, they've got to have that connection because there's more risk with a girl, isn't there? There's more, like,

she's the one that's going to end up pregnant if she has not a fucking Scooby-Doo. What's happening? She doesn't put condoms in their drawers, like in her, like, bedside cabinets. as I mean like if you're going to do it which is you know you'd have that age now

yeah well someone else's mom gave me a condom at a sleepover whoa back to the grooming made that it's a move I'll be in the pantry you'll need that

later no because we had a sleepover there was like four four boys four girls and I was with my girlfriend at the time and the mum gave me a condom at the start like pulled me to the side

and was like have this was like sound did you use her no did you tell bear back Was that something you just... I'm raw-dogging over there.

Did you tell anyone that you'd been given a condom? Did you just quietly put in your pocket and go, I'm just ignoring that that ever happened? I think I probably went in and just showed everyone. Yeah. She's trying to be a sound mum, but maybe overstepping the mark a little bit. You all having sleepovers with girls, yeah.

One, I had to get past the fucking Gestapo to make it happen. It was in 1940s, Germany. It was in 1940s, yeah. All hiding and an attic. I was having sleepovers in occupied France. But Claudette was up for it, if you're not what to me. Mrs. Crabtree? We speak to Nazi high command.

Charlotte. Is that Harry Potter kind of? I wasn't shagging. Oh yeah, of course. It was a man. You. I was having sleepovers with my girlfriend. There wasn't having sleepovers with just like hard aims of women like these, too.

It was all sausage fest for me. It was all like, I don't think I ever slept over with a woman until I was in my 20s. I think that's common though. Yeah. I feel like, is a natural lull. Let's have a little break. Anal can't get pregnant, by the way.

Bang. Welcome back. Part two of four. We've got a Patreon. Oh, you're going to do it now? Do you want to do it or do you want me to do it? Oh, I'll fucking do it. You're not very good at it.

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in the world. Do you know what that means? We're fucking sick. All these other gobs shites with the little, oh, we're doing extra piece of content every six years. Yeah, regular shit, yeah. Top 30s and all paedophiles as well.

They're all paedophiles. Well, a lot of them are porn. Peterfiles? Are they? Quite a lot of, like, anime porn and Shane Gillis. I don't think he's doing the anime porn. He's like, Gilis went to the world darts final and to Liverpool v. Fulham this weekend.

just flew over for the worst game of football I've ever seen. Has he been offered tickets to the darts or is he a dartman? Is there any... I reckon he's gone, that looks fun. Someone makes that happen and they've got their tickets. I reckon he's that level of... No, I think he probably just bought them. Do you reckon?

Yeah, I think it's a rich fat thing to do, in it. Like, you... It is a very rich friend. You're a big guy who's in a lot of money. You've got January off. Let's go and watch Luke Littler. Like... He texted me, he said if I was at the Liverpool game,

but alas, I was watching it in the house. Yeah. How was it? How was the Darts? Luke Littler is just better than everyone. As John Van Vee started well. Like, he could have been two sets up, but it didn't transpire that way.

And the Luke Litter went, oh yeah, I am the best player of my generation and absolutely put him in the fucking wall. He's so much better than everybody else. Apart from Luke Humphreys, who's like... On his day, I mean, the thing is with darts.

I mean, if you don't like darts, it might be boring. Anyone can beat anyone on their day, but it's always... I like a lot of sport. But it's always Luke Littlest. He's got that language. He's like, oh, I'll just win this.

And then it's just about how long he can keep it going because he's already two world titles in at 18. He's the fourth most successful dart to play in of all time, and he's 18. I mean, the leap to number one and two is... Well, Phil Taylor's got 16 world titles. He's got 76 or 78 majors. I think it's world titles, though, in it?

If he got to 17 world titles but didn't match him a majors, it'd still be like... John Cena. Yeah. He's just that much better than everyone. Fair play to him. He's making his money. I wonder how many people in the crowd knew who Shane Gillis was.

In my head, there isn't a lot of crossover between an absolute darts lad and top American stand-up. Oh, I think you are. Way off. I think everyone in the room and are no one of years. Well, I think you're all way off through hyperbole. I think tires want to put him into that. Oh, yeah, maybe, yeah. I love the fact that he paid for that himself.

And Shane Gillis is the ultimate, the boys. Yeah. It's just, in my head, they're very British boys. But he does arenas over here, so. But yeah, he could, I mean, he could be the best ever. I mean, he's got some way to go if you're doing it with World Championships. Like, he's got 14 to equal them. And Gillis could be one of the best ever.

He looks like he could be one of the best ever. No, Shane Gillis, if you looked at that man and didn't know who he was, you'd be like, yeah, he's good at darts. Oh. Oh, you started a separate conversation. Yeah, sorry. I was miles away in my head. He's got a darchia, Giles.

Changayl's like, looks like someone who would come around and fix something at your house. He doesn't, you know what I mean? He just looks like a proper, he's just a fella, doesn't he? Like, that's the point? Is that because he's got a sitcom

where he's dressed as a mechanic the entire time? No, I think it's just the big dude with a tash that's just, he's got none of the razzle-dazzle, which is part of his appeal. He looks like your mate. He was that good. That's why he's so good.

It looks like you meet. Tires was humble. Right, we've got some... Oh, by the way. We've got some, oh, by the way. This shirt is my first foray into vintage clothing. Is it a vintage number, is it? No, it's from Pop Boutique on Bold Street.

You've never bought anything from Pop Boutique before? Not to wear. I've bought it to, like, put on. What? For like a gag. Oh. Or for a thing. Oh, is that where the Cardigan was from?

Huh? But this is a... This is a shirt. It's a Pendleton made in USA 100% wool. It's so important that Adam addressed that because there would have been thousands of messages saying, hang on, why didn't Adam address the shirt? So thanks for clearing up.

Where's your T-shirt from, Dan? It's very hugging. It's from River Island. It's a River Island t-shirt. What's on the bat then? What I've gone for is a... A green. Yeah.

T-shirt. It's more like a teal, is it? Oh, yeah, more of a tealy. It's grey. It's just grey. Oh, that's got... That's got a hint of blue in it. That's got a bit of...

I'm colourblind to green and that is not grey. What? Is this... Is this just a factory research? Is this like a grey-y green? It's a grey-y-green. It's not grey. You're being skim-gling.

I take it absolutely not enough off you, by the way. You haven't got a fucking clue. I know that's not grey. There's a bit of blue, green and grey in there. That's what that is. It's a bit, it's a, it's got a bit of green,

cobal, is what Steve said. Periwinkle blue. Well, where the main thing is, I'm going through my t-shirt era. So, from a shop.

What's on the bath? I put it on me. Wild. Thanks. I'd probably be giving out guides about this on my stories just to let you know because you're like,

I like the salmon beanie. Yeah, it looks nice, but it looks like a foreskin. It looks like. How can that be nice then? Unless you like foreskin? As you,

as you, a lot of circumcised meant where foreskin colored beanies, you know. It's just looks like for the puppy in it.

Yeah, it looks like cock for the head. The rabbi took it away. So I've put it back. The song. Shalom. Rabbi took it away.

I'll put it back. Was it? Was it a Jew? Got your cock off? Jewish person. I don't know. We didn't get it done for religious reasons. You just said the rabbi talking away?

Were you just joking? Gave me an end, didn't it? I think it was really good foresight from my parents on the foreskin. Yeah, they were like, listen, he might want to convert at some point. Was it a rabbi? It might have been a Jewish... Was it not just a surgeon? Yeah, it was a surgeon.

Was it a rabbi's surgeon? Jews can be surgeons. Rabbis can be surgeons? What? Can they? Were you talking about? What? Between rabbis can be surgeons?

I don't think you're doing either of those jobs properly if you are both. Why? It's not like being a part-time fireman, is it? You mean rabbis? No, they're busy being rabbis? Not on the Saturday. Exactly.

What do they do? Like in the week? No, in the week, what does a rabbi do? What's the day to day of a rabbi? Make bagels. Put forthcoming off. They spread the way of the bagels. Make bagels.

What's wrong with that? Because it's not what they do, Adam. You just thought, Jewish and then thought bagels I went, they're probably making bagels. There's no hate it, is it? They're all part-time bagel makers.

Gay. Bagel fillers. I mean, in my head, they're just buying cocks off babies, but no, they'll, you know. Ah! Oh! A-ho!

Wait, because it is the rabbi in it. Is it? You don't make bagels? He'd bite cocks off babies? Can you Google, has there ever been a rabbi surgeon? Yeah. I think that'd be the exception

that proves the rule, though. No, it won't. The exception approves the rule is not this type of thing, is it? Has there ever been one? Yeah. Not are there? Uh, yeah. There you go.

There you go. All rabbis are surgeons. Would you make it? A 12th century. Ah, there you go. When they were literally hacking people to death or putting leeches on you. All making bagels. A guy called Moses, my Mondes was the chief.

My Mondays. I don't like My Mondays. Bob Geldof. The chief physician to the Sultan of Egypt. That's what you were thinking about, wasn't it? The chief physician for the salt of Egypt was Jewish Dan? Was a rabbi? Oh, there is more than ones.

Busy guy. Rabbi Leonard Shaza MD and Dr. Richard Weiss. Doing both at the same time. Your mom's got one of them. Dick plays? Yeah. She's got to roll with it, are you? A vice for cock.

It's bad for her, but she just loves it too much. Oh, I think they were a physical vice? No, no, no. It's a... She just loves it. Can I just do a gas leak check? How did we get to rabbis from Adam's shirt? Your foreskin hat.

There you go. My force can. I really lost the link on that. So, if you're a surgeon, you want to be a rabbi? What are you doing, your lazy cun? Finn, why are you on a website that says the rabbi has moves? I'm reading about a rabbi that... That was the original moves like Jagger.

He's a doctor changed this. He's a rabbi, he's a doctor and he can dance. Oh, he's one of them cool rabbis. That's the news him at the Jamalai. What's the Holy Day in Judaism? Sati. No, that's the Sabbath, isn't it? Holy Day.

What day, do they? No, the Sabbath. The Holy Day is the Sabbath, isn't it? The Sabbath is. Sabbath for Christians is Sunday, and it's also the holiday. Friday sunset to Saturday nightfall. Is the Sabbath? Yeah.

So when do they, when's the, we go to the synagogue? Synagog? Sinagg. Isn't it? I thought they didn't go to the Sabbath. I thought they did jack shit on it. I thought Saturdays were off. Can't go the match.

And they're not allowed to use electricity, are they? That's the English. No. No, proper orthodox ones aren't allowed to use electricity. Because, like, I've read stories of people going in and turning off the lights on Jewish people and they can't turn the lights back on. Oh, they're allowed to be in life, but they can't turn it on. Yeah, they can't control the electricity, but someone can do it for them.

Oh, so if you leave your lights on. on Friday tea time. You can have your lights on. If you're running... If you're running a Jewish person's house, and turn the lights off on a Friday night, they can't then turn it on unless they go to someone who's not Jewish.

They go, hey. Running my house and turn the lights on? Yeah, but they're not allowed to say that explicitly because God watching... They can't actually ask for it. So they've got to go, fucking dark in here. Darken here, and there's the switch.

Can you help? And you know, that's what God would have wanted. And that's why... You need at least one Muslim friend, one Christian friend, you know, to switch the lights back off. Same as Friday nights. Friday night it starts and then all the Saturday. Or Saturday morning and afternoon. When they go to synagogue?

Yeah. All right, cool. Sabbath is always the holy day, isn't it? Yeah, sorry, I just, I just, I, in my head, the Sabbath was a shut down and you didn't do anything. I thought there was a separate, we go to synagogue day. But it's on the Sabbath. The same way with Christian, it's like, God made the world in six days.

And then on Sunday, it was like, come round ours, I'll open a fucking Merlo. get some busies going. Bish-bash-bosh. And that is mass. Yeah. Whereas on the Saturday, he's like, no, these dickheads are doing it a day late.

Go to foot. Come round, turn the lights off or don't. Get a bagel. Rabbi's been making them all week and doing open-heart surgery. That's our Saturday. I think if I ever I'm in a Catholic church again

for whatever reason and they do, communion, I'm going to swell the wiring. No, thanks. Did you get in the glass? There's balls today. Oh. It's just bollocks,

in her. You don't get it and they're blood in your bollocks? It's like a little chalice in it. Yeah. It's blood everywhere in me. Oh, yeah. You haven't nicked your bollocks while shaving?

Not with manscaped. Yeah, I know. Hashtag. Death Owen had. Yeah, there's blood everywhere, Finn. No, but in your actual bollocks? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I just thought it was full of cum. That's your mum. Oh No I don't enjoy that one I don't know why you're I don't know why that

I've been Landry Are you being buried in a Catholic Not that you You know you've got so many second-hand shirts

Before you die But what Are you being buried Catholic Is that What's happened You're a Catholic service When you die Because you were

Not really asked You came up as a Catholic didn't you? Is that a slang? Is that a slur? Yeah. A Kathy? Yeah. I don't know. My, my Mrs isn't religious at all. Like, her school wasn't even Protestant. She just went to school.

I wasn't a jeweler? Yeah, I think so. It's just a comprehensive. Yeah, I think so. So there's just absolutely fucking no religion whatsoever. And obviously she'll be in charge when I die and I think she'll probably just fucking do me in the back garden or something. Bumier? Like in life.

Have you picked your songs or have you like talked about that ever? What you mean? Like for your funeral? I haven't got round to discuss on that yet because you know I could pick his songs right on Sunday like all of us cry

about that stuff but you know I've never thought to what we feel was song you're not have you not Black Skinner by Kanye West Is that the do

New New are you going to make us listen to all yours if you go first Put your own EP on Yeah I'm putting my whole back catalogue on

everyone sit down listening part finally you'll listen to it. So he can get the dough. I have a PRS. Because he wants people to actually cry. It's an emotional song, yeah.

I think you should start designing your funerals, boys. Otherwise, we're going to do it for you. I'm just not arsed me. Because right now, Black Skinhead is getting played at your funeral because it's the only preference you've ever said. Cool. Rama, Port Kenya all day.

Yeah. If you want to get a taste of what Carl's funeral will be like, the hip-hop night we're doing on the 14th of March. Ticket. available. If I got, like, a terminal illness and, like, I knew I was going, then I'd start planning it and, you know, if there was, like, a new, like, straight, like, if there was

like hippo flu or something, and I... Been sucking the hippos, too. Tanzanese looking risky, isn't it? You know what I mean? Yep. Like, I'd want, like, a 45-minute eulogy from Jack Finningling, because I know he wouldn't want to get up and talk. Oh, yeah, he did it.

Do I mean? You date her. You'd want to ruin all your days. Yeah, but he'd somehow do the best speech you've ever heard in your life. Yeah, totally. He just get bladed. Yeah. I'd want Carl and Dan to do close-up magic for the entire week.

Sir? I can do all that way. I can learn a few tricks. That's like your card, no. But you're not allowed to learn any tricks. No. It's like your card. Finn's doing the week.

Just his songs. And he's doing the food. I can do that. That'll be the Greek. It's got to you! Why did this suck off of the hip-hop? Finn, do you want to give some context to that? We did it, did we?

Yeah, we did it. Oh, sorry. Right, let's do some. Yes. Question. Send you your questions. It's have a word pod at gmail.com. Where you go?

Hey, lads. This is from Keros. Question for you. If you had to pick one TV, show where you had to live as one of the main characters for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? Can imagine Adam would go for something country vibes or friends? If you were to be placed into the universe of a TV show, and that was you, for the

I've always wanted to be in The Simpsons, I think Springfield would be an amazing place to live. A stressful place to live, though. Yeah, but it depends how close you are to Homer, isn't it? Yeah, but he pushes out in the town, usually something bad happens. The Simpsons is a, I think you'd be so stressed. I don't know, I always think it looks like a nice place to, to, it's not that, there's not that much peril in The Simpsons compared to a lot of TV shows.

Like if you said the wire, and you were like in downtown Baltimore, yeah, I could see that that doesn't look that fun. But the Simpsons seems like, I just think, if you just get to live on the road, Oh my God, I've forgotten the name of Evergreen Terrace. Would you be yellow? Like, are you you in Springfield?

Or are you then yellow? No, not all of them. Carl's not yellow. Carl's blood. Oh, yeah, okay. Not me. Like, would you become... Well, yellow is white, skinned, isn't it?

Yeah. Their white is yellow, so I'm... Yeah, you're a cartoon in it. You're not just like life. Is that ever reference to the symptoms that they're white? I don't think so. It's referenced that car's black.

Yeah. But like it's never referenced that they're white. I mean... So you don't know that they're white? No, it's not... You don't know, no. But it's their version of white in it. But the Asians in it are yellow too.

But they're a different shade. They are a bit light, aren't they? So they make that distinction, weirdly. Yeah, so yellow is white. Yeah, so it's ridiculous. I shouldn't have picked. The Simpsons. I'll go Thundercats. There you go.

Are you Dan in Thundercats or are you a cat? I'm one of the fucking character. It's not just me. Real life Dan Nightingale going, what am I doing in a cartoon world? Kerriss made this clear. You are one of the... I'd be a fucking good Thundercat, mate.

Would you not have your thoughts? Oh. Because then you're not doing the thing, are you? I want to be in it, but I'm me. What I mean? Oh, you can be. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like you'd get annoyed of a lot of people, though, in a TV show. I pick, like, Emmerdale and stuff and just, like, ruin the plots. That's peril, though. Oh, so it's still a TV show to you? You're not playing a character. You're an actor. You're just getting cast in a show. You're not meant to know this for eight episodes, but the babies is.

You fucking knobbed. I think you die of boredom. You hate village life. Yeah, no, but I'd fuck shit. Hello, Cole! You look like a dingle as well. This is working out really well. It's pretty exciting on Amidale Farm, though.

A lot of pedal again. Yeah. Tractor's blow. Someone gets murdered every three weeks. People still move there. That's lovely, Tim. I'm moving to Woolford, are they? Hang on, what's the lowest peril TV show?

Is that what... Is that what we're trying to do? Downton Abbey? Is that perilous? Constant. Is it? I've never seen it. I think there is peril and downtown abbey.

I think they go to war. What's like the most chill telly ever? Friends? Come on, man. I'll just be Chandler. New, yeah, new girl. I can't step in some shoes. I am Nick from me.

new girl. Like, if you watch New Girl, I am him. That it it's actually quite frightening how similar our personalities are. And he's meant to be a ridiculous, not really realistic character.

And that is how I live my life. All of it. Like, all of it. I watched New Girl for years. It's fucking insane how similar we are. Is that what you're going for? New Girl. I'll just be Nick from New Girl because then I don't have to change anything. And I am blanche from golden girls.

It's honestly. I'd be like, Dev Aalahan, because he's got like, Kind of Bueno's just... But he's been like, been in a tram crash and a fire. Exactly.

Kid de Buenos trumps all peril. My man wants a twirling, Betty goes downstairs, bash twirl. Carl, that could just be your life now. Nobody's got a shop. I mean, it's sick, in it.

You can buy so many twirls. I'd love a shop. I don't even know if he still has the shop. Why don't you just buy a shop? I've got that much money. Can I have a shop done? You can have loads of twirls I'd love a shop

You don't think You've got more money Than the average corner shop man No but you need the money To get the building and stuff don't you Yeah 12s don't buy themselves I love Costco as well This is a dream you could live you know

You could open a little corner shop Honest to God Honest that is genuine I want a comedy club with Jews And I want my own little corner shop I don't have a corner shop Next to the comedy club Like you can sell like

Clufanter and that Go and get your doctor petman You want to be a boss man yeah I love organising like twirls and you've seen it when we go to Costco yeah makes me happy and yeah come in and get you can do i feel like that's a girl dream i hear a lot just want a shop or like a cafe like it's the daydreamy just like a little shop without any of the reality of stock or race they still a business manager i've hired stay to help me with the numbers i i always just think with those little shops arranging twilts you know those that are like

Girl shops. Yeah. Not little girl shops, but little, comma, girl shops that you're talking about. Where it's like, we just sell postcards

and, you know, pictures of Anfield and Goodison. You know the shops, I mean. Yeah. There's a new one, literally 10 miles away from here. I...

Expensive candles. I just wonder how they make money because they've always got like two or three members of staff in. And then just from a wage perspective alone and then all the rates and the rent and the electricity and all that shit. I just don't, like,

whenever you go in there, it's normally you and them and maybe one old woman going, oh, have you got this in blue? No, it's a Liverpool top love. Oh, my sons and I just don't know where the profit is. I just don't, I'm always thinking about it when I'm in them. I'm like, how does this survive? Because of this spending.

I mean, I've never seen one of these girls shops that does Liverpool and Everton kits, but I know what you mean. They'll do like jaguons, Auntie. And they'll do like a Liverpool coaster and an Everton coaster. Yeah. And a Sefton Park coaster and a Pamos coaster.

There was one where I grew up called McMillens that started up and it was the first one I ever remember of this where one of the mums from the area had gone were going to sell nice like stationery and candles and Pope and everything was more expensive. But it was the only shop like that. Now there's fucking loads of them. And then she opened a cafe as well.

But even if it is the only shop. It's been there 30 years. Like that, like I just don't know where the amount of custom to sustain it comes from. not just like a passion project that's unsustainable and usually buy somebody you can afford to do it and they want to... No, I think some of them do make money. I think there's a lot of them that fall away though.

That's what I mean, yeah. The ones who do it well. It's a mark of it. I love them shops, by the way. I love going in. I very rarely buy anything. There's one on the lane on the corner. Yeah.

Are you just doing... You're just doing boss. You just basically want twirls. I want a sweet shop. Right. There used to be a shop by I was called a chocolate box when I lived in my mum's and you went the chalky box, man.

It was just, it was called the chocolate box. that was what's called. Sweets as well? Was it just exclusively chocolate? That was a corner shop. Oh, right. But it's called the chocolate box. And it was sick.

And I want kids to be able to go, where I go on to Carl's? And he's got the penny sweets. I bought a 20 bag of penny sweets today for the quid. What? You hate kids? I like taking the money off them. I bought a 20.

Do you have the frogs? Any frogs or turtles? Yellow and green? You're not one to mean. The turtles. I call them frogs. I call them frogs as well. I bought 20 of them and it was a quid.

Oh, are they frogs? No, the turtles aren't they are turtles? by calling them for a quid. 20 then for the quid. I'll be like, kids, when I was a kid, it would a penny, one penny for you.

Losing money. Carlsey's going out of business. It's a shilling for anything in the shop. I haven't got the money's done that shop. Yes, you'd have, Carl. No, you don't understand. We're going to run it a loss. No, we sell a smach under the counter

and that makes up for it. Oh, nice. Yeah. He doesn't love kids. He wants them on drugs. What? Never knew that. My fucking neck.

I'm in such pain. Shall we have a break? paint yeah I'm in such paint that's what you say I'm in a lot of paint can someone give me a shoulder rub I thank sorry seeing a bit just before we introduce our wonderful guest for today I want to let you know that I haven't really told any is this we went to adapt outdoors in the break to buy all the equipment for Kilimanjaro yeah there was so much misinformation from a combination of our team and the staff in there you came back with line a panic attack, so I'm having a can of Corona

fuck the lot of his Lord of Smithsie! Yay! A can of nom-branded light beer! You haven't got the kit, but you have got Corona. The beer. Hi, Laura. Hi, Dan, how are you?

You, uh, you look... You look good. It's the shirt. Wow. It's a bit Larry, isn't it? It's a bit bashy. It's what we call a bit bashy. It's a bit Persian.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a bit of a boo-ha. Versacey knockoff is what he is. Is it a little boo-hoo, yeah? Yeah, a little boo-hoo. But via a charity shop, I see it in a charity shop before. I'll have that.

Oh, you're all, you're all. I'll have, like, I've, like, for going up. We've got a... Thrifting. There's a girl called Alex who is a patron of our pod who works for boo-woo man. So if you never see anything in the fellas section that you fancy, let me know, and I'll have a word with air

and maybe you'll get yourself a nice new top. That message, you'll definitely get past that. I love that stuff. I thought I was doing all right for myself, actually. Do you think Dan's hat looks like four skin? Yeah, it does, I'm afraid. You look like, um, my Sherpa dog. It's like wrinkled dog skin.

Yeah. Yeah. You look like a Dr. Evil's cat. I didn't need to slam his face. Took a risk. You were so nice. No one will ever see it again. No one.

In the log burner. No one can see it now. I don't think you really appreciates how pink you are. Before you put it on. No, I'm pink. It's like spanks for my head. How could I look more bald? Actually, more bald than having my bald then up.

That is probable. I want to be warm, but still bald. Guess what? Dick Colabini. Hi. I'm done that you go. I can't make some good. Because you said she looked good.

Yeah, we don't be funny. Like you know horrible comics are. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Well, you look more bold than normal, actually. Fuck you. That's how comics deal with each other. Also, it wasn't a normal compliment.

It was like a, you look, eh. Yeah, it was. I liked it. It's always, it's always weird when we have a guest in, and we sort of spend 15 minutes talking to them first. And then they sit down and we have to pretend, like, for the cameras, hey, you've just gone here.

How are you? Well, how are you? What are you being up to? I've been all right. We just got through Christmas with kids. All good. What have I been up to? Well, I've started a new pod, you know? Got a new pod.

What's the pod? Pod's cool shouldn't laugh, but it's just me and my mate. It's just, you never guess, right? It's just me and my mate, right? I just thought of it. I wish I had a right old laugh. Comedy mate or real-life mate that you've brought into the game. We started comedy together, but then she sort of bottled the stand-up circuit,

but she's just funny. You know, someone just, you just... Yeah. You can't fake that. So we, we, it's called shouldn't laugh button. We just find right Daff stories on the internet, like a woman gets her hands bitten off by a shark when she does a selfie, that kind of vibe.

It's like the front of a take a break magazine. A little bit of that. Oh, yeah, a little bit of that, a little bit of, like, you know, viewers telling us they shouldn't laugh butts and just little own confessions. Because, I mean, not, not this pod, ofs, but there's a lot of, should we say, female pod space that's very like, oh, what happened? Yeah, that's not this pod. And then they say what happened and then everyone cries

and we thought, let's do the opposite of that. Let's just be funny. I love how you specified not this pod, but there's a lot of female podcasts. Well, no, but as in just be funny, in it, that's the rule. That was our rule straight away. We were trying to come up with a niche, me and Damme, we were starting this because we were like,

it's not enough to just be funny. And then I, in my infinite hubris, second time today. Yeah. It's like it is enough if we're the funniest, though. Yeah. Like if we're just the funniest podcast. How's that coming?

It's doing quite well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll try and make you laugh. You try and make me laugh. Forget anyone's listening. Fucking do that. Well, this is it. We just want a bit of keeping it all light.

Because I don't know. I want to go right heavy now. But yeah, keep it like, fucking our world's hard enough in it. There is a place for those pods. Yeah. To be like, this is what you should do with your life and this is what happened to me.

But when it's comedians who forget to be funny. Yes. That is a bit of a thing, in it? You call yourself a comic. So why are you, comics do it on Joe Rogan. They go on Joe Rogan.

Because he's got such an inquisitive mind. They try and be like, oh, I'll be like one of the experts. And you're like, no, dickhead. You're the stand-up. You're going to be funny on it. You'd be the light relief. But when I first started comedy,

like, if I got on a podcast, I'd sort of go really like, I don't know what happens. I'd go like I was in a job interview. Like, oh, yes. Well, actually, I decided. I don't know what happens. You go earnest when there's a microphone.

So I've tried to stop all that. people in here, even mates of ours. And sometimes they come and they'll meet us for lunch. And then they'll come in there and they'll be having a laugh and we're all making each other laughing and they're sitting there. And like, I think I did it first time I came on there. I was like, yes, you are correct. Mr. Roe and Mr. Nightingale.

I would agree with that. I remember talking to Alfie Brown about it because Alfie's one of my best mates. But he gets in his head so much when he comes and does this. Because he sort of realizes and accepts that he's pretty, you know, he's called himself a room distilling and comedian before. Like, he's quite divisive

and some people absolutely love him and some people are a bit like, what the fuck? Says posh swat, that's all that's a lot of you. So when he comes on here, he says he's always like, overthinking like, right,

how do I make Adam belly laugh? This is really funny actually because he was, he was coming on a few months ago and he told me this like a week or two later. He's like, I just, he's like, I don't listen to have a word. He's like, but I watch every clip you put out

because it's just on my algorithm. And he's like every clip it feels like you or Dan make the other one, like fall apart, screaming, laughing. And in my head, coming into have a word, I'm like, that's what their pod is. Every second of it is nothing

but hysterical tear-jerk and belly laughs just like screaming. And then I just put an episode on, and I was like, oh no, I can do that. I can do that. I can get one or two of the... Yeah, yeah. But I imagine you're doing quite a lot of, like,

telly, you're getting some shots now. Yeah. That's weird as well. Yeah. I mean, that's weird as well. I think Telly's a hard place to sort of shine. I also want to Josh Pugh about it, who I think is just one of the best in the country. It's unbelievable.

Just these content, everything about him. And he's like, oh, no, I just go weird on till I'm like, you know, you presume something's easy. But there's just that thing of like, as soon as you go on a panel show, you don't want to be the guy that's turned up to work and it'd be like, who's put 50 pence in her? Do you know that kind of?

You don't want to be the guy on the first day of the job that's like, hey, hey, hey. You know, you sat next to bloody David Mitchell and Jimmy Carr on, would I lie to you, going, and they're generous, they're leaving you space. I mean, everyone's nice, but you still just sort of, it takes a minute to feel comfortable in those scenarios. And I think I've only just started feeling a bit like, yeah, be daft,

you know, I feel so comfortable on stage. I just love being on stage. But you didn't at first, surely. Did you hit the ground with that? I really did. I was 37. I knew who I was. I've been teaching a long time.

My family are compensated. competitively funny. Like, so to get on stage, I genuinely describe getting on stage as, like, my real life beginning. Everything made sense on stage. I felt, I feel 100% of myself on stage. I've loved it for the minute.

I've done it. I don't think, I ain't have many howler gigs, really. But not like, that's not me bigging myself up. It's just that, it's just age on your side, man. Also, I don't know how you... Good comics haven't had, like, really good comics. Everyone's had a couple, a few. like great comics,

I don't think you've got more howlers than good gigs. Most good comics are mainly having great gigs. I mean, there's always one or two out there that contribute. I can say one or two stoned, don't we? Like, what am I doing? Well, you just know you ain't brought,

I always do this thing like, well, after I'd done the King Gong and then did my first five at the store. And I, uh, I do this thing. And it's a phrase I still use, sometimes you leave it all in the green room. Sometimes it's so expensive. There's something about the store as well.

You just get, I love it. I love all the older comics there. I love it. I just can't stop in the green room. And then I forget to do that thing where you get... In the zone. In the zone.

And then you go and you go, oh, fuck, I ain't got nothing left for you lot. Do you know what I mean? So I have a very similar experience in the green room of the store. Yeah. But I sort of... The way a lot of comics get in their own

at about performing at the comedy store, the green room helps me there. Yeah. Because it's so like that. And it's chatty and it's like everyone taking the piss and trying to make old, and don't fucking shit your pants or that sort of stuff. I love all that.

And then I go on stage in a good mood and I'm like, hey. And I feel like I'm at like a party where I've just like gone into a different room to talk to different people. Yeah. Whereas so many people do have a laughing degree and the light sit them on the stage. Like fucking I'm at the comedy store.

Yeah, yeah. That was my first five there definitely. Because the King Gong's like fucking, I was like, that was like free basing. You know, it's so intense. You're like batting bulls where I don't know, mixed me in metaphors. It was just a crack infused tennis guys.

But what I'm talking about, right? But then you do settle into it. And it is, yeah, I know exactly what you mean, though. Like, it's like when I first did live at the Apollo and Kay Kerr was hosting. And, you know, you took to piss out my outfit, took the piss out of me. And all of a sudden I went, oh, okay, it's a gig.

You know what I mean? There is that thing. That's why I think green room etiquette and a good green room is so important. And I know there's gigs that I do now where you're like, you haven't got your green room sorted and you don't see the problem. but it is an important place.

The most important place is the stage in terms of how the crowd interact with us, what we do, of course that's the most important bit. But any club that's like, oh yeah, you can just sit in the corner there. Like, do you remember it Baby Blue? Yeah, yeah. There was the bar, the stage,

and they were like, well, no one can see on that couch. It's horrible. So you just sit there and you're like, it looked like we were the secondary bouncers. It was at the entrance. Yeah, as you walked in, the things on them. So however you've done,

someone's died on their ass. And they're like, you can see them just like questioning every life decision. And then just 120 people going for a cigarette. Like, oh, there's that. Oh, no. But the green room's a journey, especially say you do a weekend. Like you do the weekend at the store. You do something like that.

There's that feeling of like you never know how it's all going to play out. Thursday can be quiet. There's not, you know, the comedians that have already been on coming of green room all like relaxed and chilled. And you're like, oh, you don't even want to look at them, do you? Because you ain't done the business yet. And then, you know, you do the late show Saturday, which could just be like anyone. you know, someone that's maybe not had a great one all weekend. Somehow storms that late Saturday.

They just find the run of the green. But a good, a good bill with nice eggs on. Everyone just gets it. Everyone's like, yeah, fuck them. Oh, it's magic. It's magic. I also imagine from your background where you're talking like your family's competitively funny. By the time you get on stage,

that's the first time you've ever had space to, you're not waiting to chip in while your uncle and your dad and your nan and all. You're like, oh, I'm the only one with a microphone and I can time this however I want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you've got a lifetime of like comedy precision building. Yeah, yeah. And you just know it's about, say,

the seventh funniest thing that no one's thought of. It's 100% that. And like, um, what was going to say? Yeah, the, like, even Christmas, like, I hosted Christmas and all my siblings were together, we were literally, it might as well have been agreeing. We were going, oh, Amy was on good form, weren't she? Amy was on good form.

Genuine story, like, we were like, almost like, oh, yeah, she had some crackers. Like, my sister, true story, she's just been ordained. She's a vicar. my sister, none of us can even cope. We're like normal East End family. You're not a religious family?

No, not really. Like, after my dad died, my mum started going church. She just got a call in. She lived in Jerusalem. You know, she got to call in. But it got to the point where she literally did a church service Christmas morning. They went to the pub, then come to ours.

And honestly, she just took her dog collar off every time she wanted to say some fucked-up shit. Like it's a mute bomb for God. Every time she wanted to lie or say something, we were crying. And then I thought I've got to write this in a sitcom. And then my sister, we were going to all do a video call to family in Canada, right? My other sister, Sarah, who runs a snook haul,

she had a pink jumper on and sort of like this pink hat thing. And she was on the booth, and she looked quite pink as well. She went, oh, God, do I look a bit too pink? And we're just the video calls about to go, and my sister took a dog collar off and went, you look lovely. And it was just the funniest thing. We were like, oh, Amy's back. she's found some form.

You know, that's how we were. In my head, I'm not judging you, but like running a snooker all in the East End, that sounds right. In my head, your family, all like the fucking proper East End. She runs it, right, one of my sisters,

she runs it in the East Midlands. She moved to East Midlands. No. That's the wrong East. It's rough, though. I tell you what. And she now, she's nearly 50, my other sister.

I've got a lot of sisters. And she, she's manager of the England captain team. She's just become national champ, her team. She's the best pool player in the world. And that is from a, spent youth in East London. We used to have a caravan down in South, down in Essex.

And her, we've got one brother, and her and my brother, it'd be like, oh, a burst out of three best. My sister is like that big, and she is the meanest pool player you've ever seen. And now she's, manages the England team and she's a national champion. She's unbelievable. I've learned so many things. So hang on. There's you, the TV star, stand-up comedian about 10 headline, the event of Apollo.

Yeah. There's the vicar, who takes the dog collar off to put God on hold whenever. she wants to say sort of an awful or lie. Yeah. You've got the world, let's say world, world champion pro player. Who's a female dwarf. She'd love that.

Next sibling. So then James, James is, James works in, James lives in Budapest, actually. He's married to, he's married to a Hungarian neurosurgeon. This is true story. And she's like weird science. She's married, she's a twin.

She's a DJ and she played the national basketball team. She's the sexiest. woman you've ever seen your life. We're like, is this weird science? Did you invent her? She's just brilliant. She's a basketball playing DJ neuroscientist? You're a neurosurgeon.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Has there been a wedding in your family yet? Because that would be the best. Oh, our weddings are mad. I always say my audiences are like our weddings. They're just mad. And then I've got another sister.

Well, I've got one sister who's passed away, R-YP. But she says that was my oldest. And then the one next to her, Jane, Jane's a nutcase. I can't even say what she does for a living. but, uh... Oh, you legally can't? No, I legally can't, but...

Ah, well, we'll guess. No, she sells vintage. She sells vintage. Shelly chic. Oh, that's so good. So you're on here, Pendleton, 100% bullshit. So you are a sitcom waiting to happen then your family?

Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are. I don't think you could give that to producer. They'd be like, this is, this is unbelievable. I know, no, no, no. It's too far facts. My family is like, and my mom, like, my dad's passed away when we were young, but my mum so shy she can't handle any of us

and my mum always goes I just think you should have all been only children because we're all like so hang on so there's one sister who's sadly gone there's yourself there's the pill player yeah the vicar

yeah the vintage seller the vintage seller and then there's the fella married to the Hungarian DJ basketball playing neurosurgeon yeah six siblings yeah how many children have you collected

like you just said you host Christmas. How many people were at your place for Christmas? So Karen had three. Jane's got two. Is this a poem? Yeah. That's how many grandkids there are.

Oh, there's a lot. There's a lot. So I've got three. My brother's got one. They've got one. What's that five? So it says 10 and then there's great grandkids as well. How many did you cook for?

I cook for 13. So it went, yeah, all of us. Yeah, I kept fine. Yeah. It was nice. It was good. It's good times. You don't mind the pressure of that.

No, I like it. I like it. I struggle cooking for one. So I'm fascinated by... Why are you cooking for one? You're married for kids. I'll tell you what. She won't cook for me.

Play a game. Tell me something you cook semi-regular. Just a, like, a recipe... I don't need the recipe, I just need the title of the dish. Just something you cook semi-regular for the family of yourself or something.

Anything. Lazzania. Lazzania. Ooh. That's his favorite. I haven't had a lasagna. Anything but lasagna. Anything but lasagna.

because that's the only one of these you've ever done. All right. I'll cook. I'll cook a roast chicken with garlic broccoli for my kids. Take us through the process, Dan, of cooking roast chicken with garlic broccoli and doffin-war potatoes. Yeah.

For French potatoes. Sure. Right. So you want to get a chicken. Yeah. Is this the one with the bones in? Yeah. So the bony chicken.

The one that's like, Oh, kill me. I'm dead. Kill me. I'm dead. Yeah. He's got no head. He's hollow.

Is that kind of chicken? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The carcass chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get one of them. It's just a, you're going to want to roast it. Yeah.

And how would you go about roasting and chicken? Take me through the prep and then the delivery into, I'm going to help you, the oven for roasting and chicken. I reckon you're going to want to, you can't use the air fryer. You probably can. You could. You could.

You're going to use the oven. I'm going to put it on 180 in the oven. I'm going to put some oil on it. It's a safe number one of you. A bit of salt. 20 minutes. A bit of roast. I'd go time with chicken, but...

And then I'd put it in the oven for an hour and a half. Nice. That's unbelievable. Yes! And Tom! I'm totally fluked it! I was going to say 20 minutes! Yeah!

A shift in to about an hour and a half. That is absolutely. That is Harry scoring an overhead kick at five a side. That is a fluke, mate. What about the spuds then? I'll put them in water first soften them up and then I'll boil them

Oh no, that's in water as well And then I'll put them in the oven What's this kind of potatoes That Adam said? No, no, he's not going to know to do do off the more potatoes Let's just give them roast potatoes So how long do you reckon you're sort of

Let's call it parboiling Can I just put them in with a chicken hour and half? Yeah You probably could I'm a fucking chef Yes What's the other thing that you wanted? Garlic broccoli

Broccoli, bit of garlic. I get the dough balls from Petra Express. I go, leave no bread. I get the garlic butter and then just put it on the, put it on the parsley. That would work.

That made the three-course meal last week and each course I had bashamel sauce. I was trying to be a bit of a dick with this one, but I've completely botched it and got it right. Nice. Yeah, chef fam. Don't worry about me. Chef Ben.

Yeah, Dan's not a foodsman. Foodsman. I'm not. I spend too much time, you know, picking out Dick-colored beanies. Really? I'm up to here with a Dick-Colour-Beanie shop. Can you just get off my case?

They're hard to find. It takes a lot of online shopping. You've got a bit chefy. You do a nice little steak and all that. I follow your socials. Yeah, I like a little josh-up, you know. I like a little... A little...

A little magic. A bit of... I'm going to do a pan of scouse tomorrow, stew to the onion. To the onion. To the oven. Yeah, I did Christmas dinner for eight. Very nice.

Yeah, so not quite 13, but I'll get there, you know. Very nice. But yeah, Dan, he just has food, autism. Oh. That's just, is that just autism? A little bit of foodtis.

A lot of comments, he's got Afrid. A lot of comments, I don't know what that means. I know what to nach on him for something. But people say, got AFR-ID. It's how South South African say afraid.

He's afraid of... He is afraid of... Oh. Can you go... What is that? Scottish you just did. He's afraid of the African accent. I'm afraid of doing the African accent.

He's afraid of it. He's afraid of it. He's a bit afraid of spice. You'll no fucking cancel me. I'm from Lesotho, by the way. This is my best fucking Zimbabwe. What does it sound for?

Avoiding food and take the order. No, avoidance slash restrictive food intake disorder. Oh. You probably do have that. Looking at the one sentence. Yeah. That's basically a posh way of saying food tism.

Does your wife cook then? She cooks for herself and the kids. And then occasionally... And then what you just do a little... Will humour me with a dish. But because I've sometimes gone, I don't like it, which is in my wheelhouse, in it?

Yeah. She goes, I hate cooking for you. So it's maybe once a month. You know, you say Lord of cooks for the kids. Yeah. We've never really talked about this. not yourself obviously as Mrs. Caud Laura as well.

Laura cooks for the kids. Does she cook or does she put stuff in the oven? Is she like a fish finger, chips and peas? I don't see the difference. What's the difference? That's all cooking in it? No, no.

All right. Putting chicken nuggets that were frozen in the oven is not cooking. Yeah, it's heating up. She does a lot of heating up then. Does she cook from scratch? Is she an absolute heat, woman? Would she have a lot of heat, woman?

Would she ever make the kids like a carbunar from scratch? Yeah. I don't know what a carbunar is. Don't lie. Don't lie to you do. It's the white one. I still don't. Yeah, she'll make a roast.

Yeah. Have you done this for as a kid? Like, have you been like a weirdo? Like as a kid, you're like... Yeah. I didn't start when I was 38. That'd have been so much worse. Were you like dry pasta chips?

What are you talking? Pasta? Livid. Cheese on toast and a plate of fruit every night for about 14 years of my childhood, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

I got what, I got, I got, I got, I got, I got to eat what I wanted on, I got to eat what I wanted on a Saturday. That was my day off. And what did you get? What did you want to eat for the week? Wait, are you forced to have that? What? Were you told to have that? Cheese on toast.

Yeah, yeah, but if you, if you, if you, if you were got, I didn't like cheese on toast. I just, I could eat it. It was the only thing that I, sorry, I didn't like it, but my mum went, yeah, but you're not gipping. So that's the healthiest thing. Oh. So I had that six nights and I got a night off on a Saturday. And what did you get on Saturday?

I just got four slices of Warburton's toasted them and put floor on. And that was my tea. Toast. Why did you make toast? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. Your treat for putting up with cheese on toast. Toast toast.

Why did your mum forces you food you didn't want? Because there's like protein. calcium in the cheese. It isn't? There's just loads of fat. No, it's not. There's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, and it was brown bread.

Is that why you're not tolerant of, but no? You're a bit, no. Well, you've eaten too much, just certainly usually affection negatively, yeah? Um, no, I don't think so. Cheese everything for 14 years. I mean, I mean, I'm, I mean, I'm, I'm British. You look so old. It's like, no, you're like, huh.

I know, I hurt my neck. It's not done me any harm. What did you have for Christmas? What did you have for Christmas Day, then? What did you eat for Christmas Day? Well, my beautiful wife, Laura, heated up a ham. Oh, no, cooked a ham. Yeah.

And I had a two bits of that. We've tried to help him become a better man when it comes to food. He's been so good to me. So for years, up until Dan met us, Dan's Christmas dinner, whilst his family had a Christmas dinner, his was self-made nachos on Christmas Day. On his own. He didn't make the tortoise.

He bought a pack of Doritos and put some cheese on them. He did the bowl. I cooked them yesterday. That's my cooking, Mitch. But this year, I think from memory, he had some gammon, what do you call her? Parsnips.

Pink lamb. And roast potatoes, but no gravy. I like parsnips. Yeah. Roast potatoes and a Yorkshire pudding. Very beige. No, no gravy. No.

You mad. Man don't trust that gravy. It's just beef juice? Oh, what an idiot. But it makes the things a touch better? Yeah. Not if you don't like beef juice, though. Scouts' explanation of gravy

makes things it touch us better. That's a very reductive easy way of seeing gravy. It is. Yeah. But once again, Carl, you're forgetting I don't like gravy. So it doesn't make it better for me. It makes it beef juicy. and that's not a good thing.

Neither of your kids are as bad as you are they? He's not being allowed to indoctimate them. No. How are your kids with food? They were white. They're good. Any fussiness at all, because Jack has gone,

been fussy, he's four, and was in the shop with Laura the other day, I went, I want some of that and pointed at a little tin of mackerel. Oh, yeah. And Laura went,

you want that? He went, yeah, I eat disgusting things. now. So Laura went, right, I'll bet. She was like, he's not going to eat it. But I'd also, it would be stupid for the sake of a £1.40 tin of macro.

Yeah. She was like, all right, darling. We'll make you some macron. We went, great. I'm going to eat it when we get home. This is a kid who really doesn't eat a lot of sandwiches. He'll eat like wraps and stuff, but he never has bread.

And he was like, I want it as a sandwich with cucumber and lettuce. And was Laura's like, well, this is great. A fucking horrendous. Basically, a macular thing over there. Macroo BLT, right? And she's making this going, this is silly,

this is basically a story for Dan when he gets home because he doesn't eat sandwiches and I'm sure as fuck he's not going to eat mackerel, smash the whole thing. Wow. Wow.

They're going, this is great. Insane. Wow. Got the mackerel, yeah? Yeah, he's done the whole mackerel sarnie. So. I think we know what our next Dan versus food is.

Oh, for the law. Oh, girl. Mac was nice. You had a bit of food. My kids are food. All my family of foodies, man. They're just,

yeah, my body. My bonnie, 10-year-old sushi sushi, she likes, she's like... Mad name, does it? She likes... One of your daughters is called sushi sushi sushi. My bonny. Alfred is like a little caveman.

He has to be reminded that food exists. Like, it'll be just sort of hanging off of something and you go, do you want some meat? You're like, I have some meat. He's sort of forages. He's like, I'll have a bit of meat and chocolate. That's like, he's on the go. He's too busy building dinosaur Lego to stop for food or things.

They're a bit feral, aren't they? Yeah, they are feral. Have you got a boy? Yeah, I've got a boy, yeah. And he makes... He makes my daughter look like a duchess. Like she's so, she's so chilled and she's asking about how your day's gone. And he's just walking around with his dick out.

I know, yeah. That's it like, wherever. Never changed you. Well, this is it. They just, they, they, but you think you've got parenting on lock. I've had two daughters than a boy and they are feral. My mates said the other day, she's got two sons and my other mate's got two daughters. And they, at Stratford's in East London, they're Stratford International and there's Stratford Station, right?

and you could quite quickly get between them if you walk through the shopping centre. So my mate with the two daughters said, should you just walk through the shopping centre? And my friend with the two sons went, are you fucking mad? Are you fucking joking? Walk for a fucking shopping centre with two boys.

Like they would die. Something would set on fire, shoplifted. They would hang off stuff. Oh, it's for the safety of the shopping centre, mainly. Yeah, yeah. It was like, no, you don't just walk through a fucking shopping centre with two boys.

And it is like, there's things. with Alfred, you just can't, he's just like, like, little boys are to shop and centres where to the Twin Towers, it's just over. Can't fly two of them into a shop and tent. Alfred just, I mean, he's got this from me. He loves the shoplift.

He's just like, you know, you watch him. He's so honest, like, I'll, I can I have this, can I have this, man, can I have that, can I have this? And you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Then we're walking down and he's just like, dead man walking. He's just walking along like, like, can't function, sweating, midnight's breast.

And you're like, what's going on? He's like, reveal the Pokemon. He's adds a fucking chore. And you're like, yeah, we're walking back. And then you're walking back. No, mom, no. And all you say is, oh, sorry, he took this by mistake.

But he's, like, walking back, like, I'm taking him to the Goulag. Like, no, I'm fucking dead to me. So I'm down the river. He's fucking chore the Pokemon. I changed, Mom. Yeah. I love watching how to steal it. It's so hard.

Because they can't, they do it. And they think they're being smart. But then they do go into like, yeah. Like they know it's there and they've changed their behaviour completely. Yeah, yeah. They think they're fucking idiots. They've gone from like, can't have this to like, oh shit. Pasty and sweating.

If you got back home, would you make them go back? No, sounds like, you know, no. But I don't know, you've got to give them some sort of morals, isn't you? Yeah. Only steal from places that have really good stuff. Yeah. Yeah, so tomorrow we're going banging Oliveson. Yeah.

No, I want my kid to want to steal. Yeah. And I wanted to execute it. But then I also, when we got out of the car park, because I saw, literally as I was paying, she had a hand in a pocket where she'd put, like, whatever, a kinder egg. And she was like, she'd gone to that. She's gone from being the most loud, annoying kid in the room.

She's not been hit by a tranked up. All right, cool. I know what's happened here. Because I said, no, you can't have it. And she's going, oh, my God. And she, I also. She was obviously mentally practicing the lie. So she's obviously going, so he's going to go,

where did you get that? And I'll go, oh, my God, I can't believe it. I must have tried to drop it in the gravity as I put it in my pocket. They keep making these open pockets down. So she's practicing the lie. And I was like, I'm going to wait until we're on the road. So we're now like a two minute walk. And I was like, oh, that kinder egg.

Did you put it back? And she went, Oh. It was one of the most laboured. She was like, ah, and she had to look surprised. You're not going to fucking believe this.

How much embarrassed is you, Dad? Awful. And I went, ah, so what we're going to do now? We're going to go back and tell them that you stole it? She was like, no. She was like, I didn't steal.

And then she's getting upset. And then if I walk back, and we get back to Laura and she's weak because that's the trick card they've always got. You're like, I'm in the right here. I'm going to lay down some parent and then they start bawling and you're like, well, I look like a dick.

Yeah, yeah. So I went, all right, right, we're not going back. But I just went, why he stealing from the only shop in our village? Do I mean, be smart. Hit a fucking, hit a town over. Yeah, yeah. That's, that's, that's...

What? What? Was it like a TASCO or something? We've got a co-op in Sogo. Oh, they can get it. Yeah, no, but they, but it... But there's only one shot. If it was like a call to shop,

we like to put you new the people. Yeah, but a big conglomerate as co-op. Yeah, but again, there's only one of them. They can get it, these. Kill them. So she gets done for shoplifting, and they're like, you're not welcome here anymore

because we've caught your ceiling. That was her not me. Right. I don't even know it. My daughter's serving a life sentence with co-op. Do you want to go to the shops? Oh, you can't because you're a criminal. Yeah.

That's how they learn. Right. Okay, yeah. I should have taken it back. Them spinning out is like, punishment in itself. But that's when do you and your wife swap good cop, bad cop, like sometimes I'm the biggest

prick and my husband has to be like, oh, fucking slow down. They've learnt the lesson. And then, you know, your wife from that situation would like see the fallout of it. And it's like, yeah, you're the monster. And you do swap and change you as a good guy? Yeah, a little bit, isn't it? A little bit. But does he ever

do that in front of them? Because we're trying to like unified front. So if I do the bollakin, Laura does and go, hey, leave off them. They've done nothing wrong in front of them because then they can go, ah, these cunts can be divided here.

Oh, yeah. And you sometimes instinctively, you do, you do do it and go, all right, but then we try and just make sure that I back her. And then maybe later go, hey, they're not really done much there. Yeah.

Like, they were just playing or whatever. Oh, you're better than us. I like, because I gig a lot. I love it when I've got a chance to score points. I'm like, whoa, don't want kids. Daddy's just being a prick. Cause you can want to dress. Get it in bed.

me, we're watching traitors. Mom, it's bedtime. Is it fun? I've just got him from the gig and I've ordered a Chinese. No sloops heel Brooklyn, baby. Now, forgive me

for speaking from a position of no experience. I don't normally do this. But surely the best thing to do with your children is like... I don't know what? You say it's good cop, back copen. Like, I think the best way to do it is

one of you's, like, let's say today has to do something wrong. you be dead arsh, Laura be like, fair and then you keep swapping that over. You never go against you, you keep swapping it. Because then the kids never know who to go and confuse them. Yeah, confuse them. Yeah, I'll never know what your next step is.

I'm going to be today, eh? I'm the nice one. Yeah, because otherwise you're just the psycho dad, aren't you? You don't want to be that guy. You don't want to be the law constantly. Like, I never want Laura to use me as a threat to my kids or the other way. Right till your dad gets on. Wait till your dad gets him.

Are you not that, no? Are you not waiting to your dad at all? Is that outdated now? I think it's a really bad. Is it? Yeah. I think there was a bit of that when I was like, well, your dad's going to have a way but you.

And in the end, I was just like, I'll punch his head in. Oh, my mum used. Like, I'll just batter him. Because there was one boy. Four years old. I'm keeping the kindergarten. Tell him, he's a mad. My mom said it.

And he went to he's never coming out. He wants this. You're going to do? What you say? Waiting to your dad gets on. I wasn't still waiting. Bitch. my mom

my mum used to go Alan because she'd deal with James my brother said Alan you talk to this boy and then James get up here and then

and they'd always be on his side so they just had a little shorter and they were like besties oh funny I don't know it's this hard and it's like you got to try

and you don't want too much psychological warfare I think the kids know when they fucked up when you're both playing bad cop oh yeah yeah that does happen when you've you've both lost it so much

that you're like, we're both bollicking you. What have you done wrong here? We're so annoyed collectively that none of us is like making the run. Has there ever been a situation? You can remember where that's happened? Jack or let's say? The knife fight,

yeah, that knife fight, that was bad. So many people got stabbed. I was like, come on. Bloodbuff. Can stab a few people. Like, 11. We're trying to convince Carl to have children. So Carl's been with his missus for 27 years.

And they've been married. 15. 15. Sorry, hyperbole. Yeah. And they've been married for nearly one. Nearly a year, yeah. Nearly a year. And they're going to Japan this year for Christmas. And while they're there, they're going to decide for good whether they're going to have kids or not.

And they've been leaning towards no. Obviously, we all want them to have them because we don't have put up with it. Yeah. I would like you to make the case that he should have children for it. How old are you, Carl? 30. We're all 33. You both 33? Oh, yeah. Of course you don't want to have kids.

That's not a convenient. Oh. Oh. Or don't. No, exactly. Yeah, or don't. And that's the right way.

They do say people that are married without kids are the happiest people. Yeah. I mean, that's just a fact. But they do say they die alone.

Yeah. No, we're going to die on the same day. Suicide pact. Yeah. Nice. Nice. So it's kids or suicide pact.

Right. Now we're into it. No, we're going to retire to Florida and be one of them homes or you play chess in the pool all day. Chess in the pool?

Yeah, you can do whatever you want. It's like a retirement home, but it's sunny and everyone's playing volleyball. That'll be us. You wouldn't play the volleyball? No, I'll be judging if only would, but I'd be doing it from me chair. I'm playing volleyball, but... You're not moving to Florida, by the way.

No, it's when I'm old. You're well gone. Oh, I'm dying first? Yeah. No, I'm a medical morgue. You've got beer in your hand. It's Kilimanjaro prep. People who drink beer live longer. True.

Is it true? No, I just... Yeah, it felt right. Another way, like, cold plunging makes your body think you're dying. Yeah. Like, it helps you live long and helps you do better. Like, if your body thing is going to be pissed all the time on the days it's not, it feels better.

It's a health tonic. This guy's persuading you to have kids. I know. We don't, it's a yes or no, obviously. And right now, the gauge is pointing towards probably 80% now. Do you know what? It's like, I sort of feels like people really have to justify not having kids. I've had this comment.

And I find I love having this conversation because, you know, we're great. Did you have a weird childhood? No, no, they'd normal. So the cheaply. People, you have to justify yourself like why you don't want kids. What about the time you got kidnapped though?

That was quite weird. I think it'd get kidnapped. But you'd have to justify... You got... No, yeah. People should have to... I think it was it sloth? Some people should have to justify having kids.

Yeah. It's a weird thing. I don't know what happens. You just have kids, didn't you? Yeah, you just... Some biological thinking of thing. I just wanted to leave it in. Yeah.

You know? It's just... Oh, nice. I've shown it here, they're doing they, and this resonated with me a lot, and it's a bit negative, that when you get to your 30s and you get married or whatever,

and you're like, oh, what's next? And you start feeling your own mortality and stuff when you get into your 40s, people can pause that feeling with kids. You pause them thoughts of what's next, and you go, yeah, kids are next. We'll think about that in 18 years. And then after 18 years,

a lot of couples will go, oh, we're not, like, like, maybe they'll flee the nest, and they'll break up. We're just going to have them thoughts now without kids. have to deal with a property. I think you're very,

I think you're right on that. I think people go, I don't know what else is going on. You throw kids on it to fix it. Your friends are all having kids so that your social life starts dying and then work maybe you don't do what you want to do

and then that looks not as fun and everyone is just sort of auto co-pilitated into doing it. Yeah. I think you would make great parents. That's why I'm pushing. Yeah, but I know. Because I also, I watch you with,

I've watched you with my kids. You'd be amazing. You and Serica are an amazing couple. But I also think, just to really fucking not pick a team, I think you live a great life without kids. I think you're a couple that you wouldn't be doing it because you're bored. Exactly. A lot of couples are like, well, you're here and you're sort of pissing me off.

So let's have a kid to justify you being here. But you live an interesting life. We'd have kids for the right reason. I think you do a good job of not having them. We'd have kids for the right reason, but we're also not having kids for the right reason and both of them are fine. I love it.

I have the thought of you too, just finding each other when you were that young and just rolling through life, content as you like, enjoying each other. There's six hours between us and everything when we were born. Like we've literally been,

we've basically lived life together. Also, you're so blessed. That's such a nice story. You're blessed. Oh, you'd have a right prick of a kid. I'll get all that fucking Nick Riner's stuff.

Can you imagine? I don't know. You know, some things just don't add up. Two and two don't always make four men. I'm like, you know, you don't know all that.

I don't even know who Nick Ryan it is. Do you not? No, I do. I picked them in my dead pill for this year and I got told he wasn't a valid celebrity. He's not a celebrity. He is now. He's not got a Wikipedia page though.

I mean, he does now. Yeah. But anyway. And also, get to your 50s, you regret your decision. Just, you know, adopt a Filipino baby. She's an only child that I've got a brother, but he's old enough than me that I'd be... Just that got taken into the...

He was an adult when I was a kid. Yeah. He was 15 years between us, so I've never... Essentially, I'm an only child. You just found a little mate in life and you're just rolling. Exactly. I just enjoy. yourself.

I wish I didn't have kids. Fucking hell. Hard work, how old are you? 23. Oh, wow. Yeah, I had to when I was 20.

Just sort of, I just feel like I've always been a parent, you know, and she's just doing that sort of, you know, transition of like working out what life's all about. And that's tough.

That's tougher when they're little, you know? She's amazing. You wouldn't be about her, but. How involved in that? She's doing a lot of that. Yeah.

Yeah. But you're still involved. Yeah. You're still involved. But she's lovely. She's just, I always say we grew up together in a weird way. Got any good, like, what, did, sorry, what do they think about, like, your career and doing telly?

I'm watching them are on the telly, isn't there? Yeah, I think she finds it all a bit mad. I mean, she's had to sort of, you know, I've got married and I'm more kids, and, you know, it's just balancing all of that. She said she was a bit offended by my latest Apollo set because I'm my girl off. But I'm like, you know what jokes are.

It's just an observation that's taken to the extreme. And there's so many parents, basically I say, when they're little, you can delude yourself, you're doing a good job, they emerge into late teens, early 20s and you think, oh, I've raised a pricker. Because you are in your 20s, isn't?

Yeah, she's just so sure of what life's about and then, you know, but still needs you. It's that push-pull in your 20s, isn't it? But maybe not, maybe our generation, we were just wanted to, we just wanted to fuck off. I just wanted to fuck off, you know what I mean? Yeah, but there's a point, though, when they get a bit older,

when they'll get how it's great that you're still close and then she'll come back a bit. Have you had problems with boyfriends and girlfriends and what, because we were talking about that before and, because I've got a, about to turn nine-year-old daughter, and we were just sort of like projecting when I'd be sound with her being like, I've got a boyfriend and we're going to start doing, like, staying over. How were you with that?

Were you chilled with it? I'm going to start shagging, Dad. Yeah. I was just trying not to say that. Do you know what? I was implying it. I think that I, when she was going for her teenage years, I worked with this brilliant woman, Krishna, a really good friend.

She was the, well, I was a teacher. she was the welfare officer at school. You know, they did that first getting pissed in the parker and her mates and all that. And I was sort of, you know, confiscated her phone, let her know the consequences, blah, blah, blah. And my friend Krishna said, and now be their safe place again.

Like set boundaries, do the discipline. Then you go, I forgive you, I'm your safe place again. Always be their safe place. And that is for anything. You can't protect them for everything. You can't control it all. Your main job is keep them alive and keep them who they are.

Because they are who they are. Yeah. That's it. And I think with her, it was very much like that sort of behaviouralist sort of parenting where you go, right, you've got to, if I do this, then you'll be like that and blah, blah, you've just got to let them be who they are,

let them feel safe enough to be the fullest expression of themselves with boundaries, with discipline. And, you know, it took me a long time to learn that about parenting and my little ends benefit from it. But the thought that they can't say something to you, the thought that they couldn't tell you, they felt uncomfortable at a party, or actually this boy was a bit weird or this, that or whatever, like,

I want them to always just feel safe with who they are. And they are going to get it wrong. Your kids are going to get it wrong and you're going to get it wrong. But it's always that be their safe place again. That's what I think. I want that to be the first clip from this episode, but I want it in black and white and I want it to look like she's talking to Stephen Bartlett.

See what I've got all learning. We were talking about something just before we came in. that I just want to touch on before we go to a break. Because you are on the upcoming season of Celebrity Hunter. I am. I think I can talk about it, yeah.

And if no one, if anyone watching or listening doesn't know what Hunter is, it's basically, there's the regular version of it, and now there's a celebrity version. And basically you get a phone call with an hour's notice

and it's your now being hunted essentially by MI5. Yeah. Try and escape for, was it like a week or? It's two weeks. You've got to be on the run for two weeks. who were you paired with?

Me and Jen Brista. Oh, wow. And we, like, don't go wrong, we always got along, me and Jen Brist. We were very much paired, like, the first Zoom meeting I had with the producers. It was like, oh, Jen, oh, they wanted us. And so there was no guarantees there.

And you're in it together. And you know what? James Acaster and Ed Gamble did it. And he said to us, James Akeaster to me and Jen Brister, a glass to be fun enough, he said, the edit looks a bit fake,

but it's really real. You've really got a lot. take care of each other because, you know, a TV can sometimes work. You think, oh, that doesn't make, you know what I mean? Like, and I, only when you're in it, you realise how real that is, you are on the run. You are looking over your shoulder, mate.

Hang on you, but you, so did you know that you were on call that you could go at any time? No, no, cause, like, yeah, we're, we're coming, we're let out of a helicopter, see you later, phones handed over the night, everything's handed over. But you got no cash? No cash, no phones, no nothing. And we had, we were on it. It was unbelievable.

If you knew you were going on this, would you in the months building up to set some plans in motion? Because that's what I'd do. Didn't you want to say it's just sleep in the loft of a comic? No, there's all sorts of rules. So you've got to make sure you're moving 50 miles a day. You've got to spend three or four nights out of seven in a big city. So like you've got, there's rules to make sure you're not just,

let me go and hide in a bin. to like the Highlands. You're not allowed to just go, I'll just go where no one fucking... No, and there's like rules where you've got maybe get eyes on, the hunters, you know, there's all sorts of things in place, mate.

It is... It's mad. I feel like I'm being serious when me and Jen say, we can look back fondly now, but we come away like... Wow. It was a lot, mate.

It was a lot. It's fun. I'd love to do it. There's not many TV shows that I think... I'd be better. I think I can be quiet and shut on and get away. Because Gembrist is a fucking brilliant comic.

Yeah. And she's sound. So that's a cool, like a bit. Yeah. You felt like it was a little bit of an unusual like, oh shit, this.

It's like not one of your oldest mates or anything. No, but you know what it is? Because she's so switched on and she's a mum. And she's just like a head, you know, her head and hearts around place. So there was just little things where we very quickly got a short hand of knowing

when each other needed a bit of like what's that. Or, you need a minute in the room because then also you're with a crew the whole time which is intense. Who would you,

who would you pick then? From comedy, from comedy, who gets dropped in? Someone you don't know maybe that well, not one of your obvious, like best mates,

a comic who you think they're going to be smart, they're going to be, like, easy on the trip, like, they're going to help. They've got to be white

so they don't get like arrested accidentally as well. You're just probably one of the racial bias of the British police. No, well, you say that. I think there's a thing of like, there's like the black man nod

or the A-Shan's got the Asian version that's a bit that's not racist he's my brother but where you'd be like mate

sort me out you know like you're like they have they have more of a group identity and a community identity you know out of Liverpool now that you say that

I think I'm going Lenny Henry that's a great choice plenty of people Free Premier in. Free Premier in. Could be in any of the Premier Inn. They're in every big city.

I would fucking watch every minute. Well, this is the whole of my life. You don't need cash. If you walk in the Premier Inn with the owner, you're not paying, are you? He's an owner? Yes, he does.

You'd get done straight away. They'd follow the breadcrumbs of all to toast you at. Who are you picking done? If that's to be a comic. Dawn French. Let's make it interesting. Get them back together? No.

Oh, you won't talk to yourself? Just show him what he's missing out on. Me and Downer. Downer, down it. Downer, down her. She looks like she gives a great hug as well. You have to sleep rough in a bin. That's where we went there. Hug.

Nice. Come on. She's a national treasure. Just sleep under one of her breasts. Under one of them. Well, I think that's a break I think it's best You go on fucking tour I only bloody am I don't know

I am going on tour I'm going on tour I believe it's the 6th October I'll be in Liverpool No it's actually not First of October Oh hey carumber Six of October you're on your couch

You've got a night off Have I? Yeah Lovely thanks It starts on the 24th of September In Lincoln It does indeed It comes all the way into November

Yeah Yeah, going to do the Apollo, the Hammersmith Apollo, don't you know. Yeah, it's called Born Aggie, 2026, Born Aggie. My first tool is called Living My Best Life. This is called Born Agi. And you know, should I tell you what? Do you want to know where the name come about? Because you're part Argentinian?

No. Do you know what? I did a whip. It was going to be called dancing and fighting, right? Because I've fought for my life and it's like a, it sounds like a night out, dancing and fighting. And a friend said to me who nearly died of, a brain hemorrhage same time I was going through breast cancer sort of treatment.

So she said she, you know, she really had a small chance of survival. She survived. Then she hit her 50th. She said she went to Croatia. She danced till the sun came up. She went, and this is it, Lord, this is how we're going to live our life, dancing and fighting, dancing and fighting. I'll wipe to wear a tearful.

That's the name of my next tour. Bosch. So I then went and did a whip in South End, Ross McGrain's place, in South End. And this woman on the second row, she was hilarious, this woman Debbie, I was talking about the fact about being called dancing and fighting really early whip. And I said, I just got the hump.

I said, life's going good. And I've still got the fucking hump about everything. I said, I'm just Aggie. And she went, oh, don't, me and all. She went, me and all. She went, I was born Aggie. And I thought, well, I said it. I went, that's the name of the tour.

That's it, born Aggie. Sometimes you've got to accept who you are. I think, like, you can go through loads of things, do all the work. Do all the work, you know, all the healing. And then you just think, you just got the amp. I'm all right till I leave the ass.

Then I've just got the fucking amp. Are you just umpy, yeah? Ampy? I just think everyone gets in my nerves. Sorry, yeah. It's good for a comic though. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, it's why you can observe things.

You don't want to be too chilled and content as a comic. What's like a daily grievance that really fucking umps you up? Oh, do you? Salah. I was fucking, honestly, my husband, put too much coffee in the cafeteria this morning and he bought me a cup of coffee and I just gave me the imp.

He's a lovely man. I'm married to the world's loveliest man. He's so chilled. He's so mad. He's even trying. And still giving the amp. Yeah, he's giving the amp. So it was too strong. Yeah, just felt a bit strong. I said I had a bit of hot water that. Oh, everyone, just everyone.

No one, everyone, no one can get through a flipping ticket barrier. They give me the amp. Oh, that goes driving mud, especially Why have you just left the house? Yeah, if you're, I'll move people off the way. You know if they're going, I'll just go, yep, you just aren't ready to be there. So you just go.

You go and learn how to be a human over there. That's why I like New York. You know if you're in New York in like a deli and it's your turn. And you go, ah, eh, the fella behind the council will go next. Oh, love that. You just get boots into the back of the queue. It's just no one's got time for you, but they're fucking sling you look. The queue is the decided.

Huh? You've meant to decide in the queue and know what you want by the time you there. Daddy's in New York, you shouldn't even be in the Q and see you've decided. Yeah. Yeah. Pressure. Yeah, there's no... Can I have bread? Yeah, gluten.

Treat day. But it's, yeah, so anyway, all fun and games. So it's just a bit of fun. It's just moaning and bitching about life and all that good stuff. I mean, like, and I talk about the fact that I'm married to a really nice person. I've got... Yeah, so it's like that. He's just super chilled.

And I'm like, why aren't you got the ambit about stuff? I sort of use my husband as a sort of emotional overflow car park. Does he ever sort of join you when shit is really going wrong? Because I imagine like the coffee thing and the tick of barrier, that's me, like I'm with, yeah, like I'd be exactly the same with the coffee and I'm the same with the ticket barrier. We're psychopaths, I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like, and my missus is quite chill 90% of the time, unless something specific happens to her and then she has a fucking nightmare. But like, generally speaking, like, she'd be like, I just don't worry, just calm, everything's fine, isn't they? I get road rage. She's like, just leave it, or something else. No, see, that's the thing. I don't drive.

And I've been thinking about should I start driving? And my husband, who would never say a bad word about me, he said, he had to very reluctant to say, I'm just not sure, Lord. That's the one. It goes, because if you drive, then you'll be everyone's problem. Yeah, yeah. That is so true.

I'm bad enough as a passenger. Like, you know, he's super chill driving. Super chilled, super chilled. I mean, today he had to sort of some dark charge payment, some payment, you know, whatever. He was on the phone's back two hours.

There's a fine, there's a thing. Yeah, I couldn't handle that. I couldn't be on the phone. I'd be like, he just... I got an email two days ago from DFS

because they're delivering a sofa of mine. Sorry, a text. And the text said, great news, we've scheduled your delivery. It will be delivered on the 12th of January. Now, here's the thing.

It fucking won't because it won't be in the house. And when I ordered it, they were like, it's going to be the 27th. So my missus took, I'm going to be in Africa, climbing Kilimanjaro. My missus took 27 off work. Yeah.

So that she'd be in for that. They've gone. We've made this dead quick. We'll just drop it off. So I went on the internet and was like to try and reschedule it for the next day. Because on the 13, she's actually off work. She said, I can stay in. Get it delivered.

It'd be fine. And we actually get the couch two weeks earlier. It's all good. It's all gravy. Online it went, oh, you can't reschedule this delivery online. You have to call our talking to a chat center. I feel homicidal on your behalf already. I'm just not doing it.

I'll just deal with it on the 12th somehow. When they turn up with the coach, you're not there. Yeah, I'll just feel like, I'm not in, mate. Just leave it a safe place. Yeah. Be hiding the plan pot. Make sure you put the tree in front of us. Can you just let them use the key safe?

You just couldn't handle that phone call. The fault of phone in. Do you know what it is? Look at him. Do you know, like, when you press 75,000 buttons and then you get to do to someone and they go, ah, they've put your through to the wrong department. like I just or sometimes you press about 75 buttons and then a robot goes oh you can do this online

goodbye yeah and then they hang it up. Have you tried using our app? Yeah. Do you know most problems can be solved for our websites? You can go to blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and all answers. There's frequently asked questions. You can you blah blah blah blah blah it makes me like it ruins me day. Yeah.

Even if I if it's a success. even if at the end of it, I get what I want. I come off it like, like really, really in a bad mood. And you don't want to be a bad person to that guy, that poor whatever minimum wage, whoever you end up speaking to, the way through Gritty, if I go, now I do appreciate it's not your problem.

And I would like to thank you for actually trying to help. But my worst one is, when they don't fucking help and they go, anything else I can help you today? You ain't help me with a thing I fucking phone for? What are you talking about? Wouldn't it be great if with that, customer service, you had an option.

Do you want to speak to a nice person who will make you feel bad about getting agi? Or you can speak to one of our specially trained cunts from the cunt team. And they'll be a cunt to you and you can also cunt them off and they won't put the phone down on you. That would be such a great option. Your DFS couch is late. Do you want to speak to a nice person in a call centre room in Mumbai and then there's all the ramifications of being a dick to them?

Or Jeff in Sterling who will give it you right back. Do you know, genuinely, if there was an option on the phone where it's like, do you want us to put you through, we were always going to put you through, or you can pay a fiver and we'll put you through to a scouse at who's being in your situation before. Take a tenor. All you have to do is go, hey, lad. And they go, yeah, I get it. And they know exactly what a man.

Yeah. Like, do you know what's going, oh, lad, they do my phone. It's like, parent. And how many times you just want to be told, yeah, I can see you're frustrated. Yeah. Oh, I can see why that's annoying. Yeah, that would do my end as well. No, but you sort of dissolve.

Yeah. You're like, yeah. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Just like your managing off to me. That's actually all I need. Yeah.

All I need you is to go. oh, do you know what, lad, I fucking ate the way they make us do this. They've scheduled the delivery for you without fucking consulting you. They've just moved it forward by 15 days. Isn't that dead annoying? My manager's a bell end.

And do you know what, lad? Give me 10 minutes. I'm going to go and try and figure it out. If you come back 10 minutes later, I was like, lad, I've punched us head in, but still it's getting delivered on the 12th. You're going to have to change your plans. I'd be like, do you know what,

but of her, thank you very much for help me. Do you know what? And if this call is recorded, this is how you fucking do it. You've just, I'm not this really mad, cool memory. this is so hilarious. I don't know if I should say this on a pod,

about scouse call centre people. I once, the best call centre experience I've ever had was with a scouser and it was when CSA child support agency when you, like honestly my eldest never got nothing from my dad I'm hotting him up, hot in her up

in absolute fucking wank right. I've listened to the pod. I don't have nothing to do with him and I've spoke to some scouser in the CSA that were a nightmare to deal with, notorious nightmare. I just get letters where they'd say, he has you this, you're going to get that,

we'll never get nothing. He goes, and then he heard, I was talking to this Scalster, and he went, oh, God, what made you get involved with a Gavin? And I laughed so hard, and I thought, how have you got away with that? It was the funniest thing I've ever heard.

There you go. It's absolute. Scoucesters. So genuinely, do you know if there's a heaven and hell? And, you know, maybe you're just that'll be able to help me figure that out. If I get to hell, right, and you walk in, And it's just,

whoee. You're the vicar. The vicar? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carry on, carry on. Oh, you've fought the dead one. We all in us. We're like, ooh.

It's a good job she's so. You there, Karen, it's me. Jesus. Right. That's where my head went. We put me. She didn't go there. I didn't go there.

I didn't go there. You all went, ooh. The vicar. The vicar. Yeah, the vicar. If you get to hell, My late sister's there.

She'll be like, she's working there now. We'll take you so long. Come and meet Gavin. I think I could get like that false sense of, oh, things might be all right here. I could walk in. It could be a really nice room. It could be like the best hotel I've ever been in,

like a copy of that. It's a nice little beach. All-inclusive bar with, you know, all the best food in the world. And I just sit down with a pint of Guinness, the perfect poor, like just perfect temperature. I'm like, oh my God, hell's all right. And then they just have to drop like a pile of five Virgin Mobile

or Sky TV contracts and go, cancel them. That would be enough for me to be like, this is... You've nailed this, God, your little cunt. Shall we give some advice? Yes. If you've got any advice you want dealing with? What do you have a word pot at gmail.com? You got a dog.

You're getting a dog. You've had dogs. You've famously got a dog I got a dog I'm getting a Bernice Mountain Dog You get a what A Bernice Mountain Dog

Oh, one of the Bernies Yeah, nice A mountain dog Called a Bernie A Bernie It doesn't belong to a man called Bernie No

He's not getting Bernies Mountain Dog Oh no I'm getting a Bernese Bernie from down the pub You get his manner It's a burner

It's a burner It's a bear me It's a bear me Oh it's been called Oh it's been No but it's Bennies Well I don't know that one

Then Burneys is when you Wear shorts No This is from Simon. It's about a dog. Wag, wag, wags, I need some advice. We've got a six-year-old staffie called Rosie, and I love her to bits. The other week, we were walking, Rosie, and she ate a discarded bag of Coke or Kortget or something,

and started spluttering and making strange noises like she was choking. We saw it happen, and my missus started freaking out, so I grabbed Rosie by the neck and reached my whole hand in her mouth to try and get it out before she swallowed it and overdosed in the park. She was struggling and biting me But eventually she vomited it all up All still in the baggy And I was lucky to only need a few stitches

My problem is Rosie now hates me She barks at me when I go into the kitchen And she refuses to come near me One time I hug my wife And she started yapping and showing her teeth at me What do I do here lads? My missus isn't really listening to my worries about it But I'm absolutely gutted that it seems

I've lost my dog How do I win her back? You should just let your dog get on the chiselweight Yeah, get at a bag of level Yeah, but you're fan at an after, isn't you, mate? Is that throat? Full finger up a nostril. You need to get your dog, a big sack of bugle.

Have you ever done something like with your dog where you've had to like tell her off or something and then they take it personally? So Wallace on his balls cut off, but the vet said to me, it's the person who drops them off who the judge. And I was in work. It was tough shit.

said I had to drop them off so she was like oh why are you leaving me and then they connect you dropping them off with them getting hurt and then the person who picks them up is the person who rescues them you weren't working then were you car I'd finish wrecked and I picked them up and he's like

hey mum's fucking dummy in there so for about a week he was a bit weird with teleka but he's fine with it now right but yeah that's I've never heard him and I never will no but I mean you've got to do this like in this situation you've got to you've literally got to be this

guy. You've got to try and get the drugs out, didn't I? But I've never, luckily I've never, I stood on one he was a puppy. Did you say they don't understand, they don't understand pain? Like if you stand on the,

they don't know what an accident is. Right. Yeah, cool. So if you were at them, they're like, oh, you meant that? Well, if you take them for a vaccination, they're like, I'm not fucking with you.

You went and just got me attacked. You've got to do stuff for dogs, isn't you? Yeah, they don't understand accidents. I'm glad you told me all this because I'm going to now make sure that I'm not involved in any of those things.

Yeah. I want to be loved. You're taking Bernie's balls? Probably. It's going forward to. Is it? It means later on life they don't have a lot of health complications. It lowers their,

you need to, you know, fuck things and piss everywhere. Does it make them less, like, makes them less aggressive with other dogs? Yes. I mean,

it can also go the other way, but on the whole, it's usually, it makes the temperament a lot better. I don't know, Simon, I think you've got to put some fucking legwork in with your dog here, mate.

I don't know how you're going to do it. It sounds like a cokehead, though, so. Well, that's the thing. I think the information's incomplete. Like, maybe he rescued this dog and this dog used to be, like... Bad on the chis.

Yeah, but, like, enjoyed it. Like, some people just love doing coke, and now they've been rescued, they don't do coke anymore, he found a fucking bag. Maybe one of his dogmates being, like, come in the back garden, and I'd be like,

and he's like, there's fucking chisle in the park there. He's gone and got himself on it, and you fucking took his drugs off him. Yeah. I mean, that seems like the obvious explanation. What dogs have you got, can you?

I've got a little Maltese, Pomeranian, she's very fluffy. She once nearly got killed by a big German shepherd and absolutely nearly killed and I just accepted she was dead and then I just lay on the dog and started hitting it before the owner come over

and God that was the worst time of my life and I'm still scared of I can't look at a German shepherd. So hang on, just the dog. Fluffy Pomeranianian. I never got to the mountains of Germany anymore. Am I seeing like a little like a little... A POM's like a little ball of fluff. Oh, she's like a little fluffy thing, yeah.

Is she really protective? No, she's all right. Yeah, she'll sort of bark at the door. She's very chilled dog. She's good as gold. But yeah, I think with our guy, Simon, I think it's just, you know, you've just got to do a bit of retraining,

letting the dog know you're a good guy, a little bit of food here and there, a little bit of reassurance. Just a line of coat. Just a line. Here's some pedigree chum. Yeah. Here's a line of make. Yeah, you need to be the good guy.

Now you need to take at the park load. You need to be giving a treats. The dog's also on a come down. You know what I mean? The dog's also like, yeah. Even if it had a little bit, it will affect it more than it with a human because dogs, they're not as big as people. Well-known lightweights with cocaine.

It's a well-known time. Whoa, slow down, slow down. Back up. What did you just say? Dogs aren't as big as people, my. So, is that kind of podcast? Just earnest. It happens eventually to all of us.

This is from anonymous. All right, Lids, my wife is pregnant. Flex. And due soon. D-U-E. Soon. We were We were talking the other day about the labour

And she hit me with the fact that her mum Is going to be in the room while she's giving birth I've told her I don't want her mum in the room As she's overbearing and stresses my missis out normally Let alone in this kind of environment And I said to her, I don't want to be under pressure And end up telling her mum to fuck off

While I'm supposed to be keeping my missus calm Am I being selfish? Dan was Laura's mum at the birth of your kids give me some advice on how to deal with this lids that's a tricky one in it because she's the one that is you know farting the baby out not the medical term

she's the one putting in the baby farting the baby out it's whoever makes head happy not you really isn't her she's the quarterback of that room you can't be like well this is how I see it me and you romantic are you allowed two people in there yeah I think you can like fill it you can have like you can't gallivate if you want.

All the lads from five aside get them down the DPD delivery driver you were in Midlora weren't you? I was in Milora Becker was her

birthing partner for Etta I wasn't Who's Becker Boris Becker Boris Becker We got former German tennis champion

My sister in my sister You're still German You look a bit like You got to hear the beckers about you actually Thank you As long as I'm not a German Shepherd

Yeah so I'm I was birth in partner on the second one. We only had, Laura only had one, but I think you are allowed another. I think having mum there is not unusual. No. It just depends what mother-in-law you've got.

When you were giving birth, did you have a team? Did you have a, who was your go-to? It was, yeah, just, my mum was there for the eldest, and then, yeah, then it's my husband for the next couple. But my family would,

I had a long labour with the second one. Oh, this is funny. Bonnie. I had a long labour with the second one. And so all my family come down. This is the vicar again. It's so funny. And my middle one's called Bonnie. And we wanted to call her Bonnie Blossom because we thought it'd be cool if her name was B.B. Smith.

And I was in Labour. And my husband says, oh, all the family are there. So I come down and Amy, who's the vicar, Nash. And I'd only told my mum. My sister went, yeah, we've heard about Bonnie Blossom. She goes, I went, oh, right. So my mum, my mum looks away. She went,

not feeling it's a little bit billy bollocks in it your label was so long you started doing visits while you were giving birth oh man it was just oh we I was induced for that one so yeah it took a long long on time so yeah had a few people about I just think anyone that's got a birth plan you got to throw that out you never know what's going to happen

do you know what I mean loads of things can happen let her come I think when people are a bit bossy make them feel like they're the boss you do it like with kids you're like look can you really go and talk to the media wife because and then let the mum feel busy. Actually, we need coffees. Do you mind just going to get that? And, you know, give her jobs to do so she feels important. That's really

good stuff. I really like that. Also, they can't limit it, can they? It can't just be like you can only have one or two people. Because what if, like, you got pregnant via gangbang and you don't know who the dad is? There you go, you've always got to think about it. That's the plot of a Bridget Jones, isn't it?

Oh, Mammaia. Bridget Jones is gangbang? Yeah. The fourth one. Is it? Yeah. Who knew? You can't have too much of a plan going in. Like, Laura went into the second birth going, I just want to do it naturally. Yeah.

Just maybe a bit of gas in her. And then when she was on heroin, it got a lot easier. At half time, when that was in the 17th, 18th, out of that labour, and she went, yeah, I will have fake heroin. Yeah. Everything was so much smoother after that.

In the UK, do you always have a private room? In America, some of them, like, half rooms and some of them are big... Oh, your actual birthing room is just you. Yeah. But as soon as you've given birth in, you're on a ward. You don't usually have a room then. It's like...

The Bondi Suite. It's the Bondi Suite. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bondi Suite had three other moms in it. So he's obviously not been paying his fucking rates. One more.

Anonymous. Hi, Lids. Need some advice, but would appreciate it if you could keep me anonymous. This is from Jake Garrett. Me and my girlfriend have been together for nearly five years. Over the last 12 to 18 months, the physical side to our relationship has disappeared. We last banged around seven weeks ago and not much has happened in between.

She's been through some tough shit over the last few years, but we are in our early 20s with the sex life of an elderly couple. Can't help but feeling this is going to cause problems in the near future and would love some advice on how to get things back to how they used to be. Man's getting no. Pooz! I'd have to recommend I love, honey. Ooh.

Yeah. If she's not had sex for seven weeks, just whip out of her. dildo without any, like, mention of it. Just go, babe, got something for you. Just literally stick it to the desk.

I think you've got to be able to communicate in a relationship, you know? You've got to be able to... Go on, Adam. You've got to be able to go to your miss or something. Like, hey, we're not fucking enough. You know what I mean?

Oh, okay. It was straight to the point. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're not fucking enough. I'm a man. You're a woman. We both need to come.

I don't know about you, but I'm not coming enough at the minute. So what do we do about this? Do you want to fuck other people or fuck each other more? Your call, Gail. Oh, throw a threat in there as well. Because I will bang someone real quick. And I'll take this dildo with me.

Early 20s. Would that work? No, that would have worked. The thing is with men, like with women, intimacy starts a lot quicker than the point of fucking, take her out for fuck sake, spend some fucking money on her. Shoot her. What? Shoot her out.

Take her out tonight. Fucking wine and dineer, fry a bit of money about. If your partner, chilled as he is, he's like, it's been a wee while since we're making a love. Yes. What is your, what is the, what's the date day? What's the, where can he take you? What does it look like when you start going,

oh, he's buttering me up real nice here? Oh, I just love it when he's got a pound note around him. You know what, sexy money? I just want to be spent by me shit, take me out. No, we have to, we genuinely, pretty much. much have to go away. That's like we've just got too many kids. There's too much going on. Yeah, it's hotel away, night away, wine and dine. That's what we need to do. They say four play starts after you come. What? What? As in like it starts again. Four

players like when you're being nice to you. Yeah. Well my four play starts with throwing a towel out and going on my phone. Yes. Where's the towel? I have a shock. The foreplay's be good. I can't relate to this, you know. By my beard a candle, I'm fucking. Ooh. You know? A candle. Yeah.

How many candles in the house? There's a candle in every room. Praying for a power cut. The power's out. Is it the Sabbath? It doesn't matter. Fabio, Saturday. Listen, I'm just saying, you're in your early 20,

so you haven't got the money for a hotel. Oh, yeah, that's true. Take of the Mega Bowl. You know? Take a... I want to know. He says she's been through some shit. What should she been through?

So I need to know. Listen, anonymous, we need more information. Yeah. We need more of your shit of her shit. But honestly, women love candles, man. Get her a candle and get your knob out. And I think, bish, bash, bosh. Do you know what?

It might work a little bit. You haven't had sex with seven weeks and you come home with a candle with your cock-hold. You know what I mean? Can I just tell you? Like that. Every time. Me and Laura bang. Oh, because we're banging in my room now.

I don't know if I've given you this update. Have you got a single bed? We've got, no, I've got the bigger bed. Because Daddy knows. We've got, we get to sleep separately. We make love together. Because she's a bit of a Nazi with where my footwear is allowed to live. My room, it is regressing a little bit.

And I've noticed it. And if I'm noticing it, then she's definitely noticing it. But I haven't got like a. bin to put the shoes in. So they're sort of on the top. Put them shoes in the bin. No, like a... Like a box.

I've worn them once. Like a shoe bin. Oh, fuck. Fucking Dr. J. So I've started... Like a shoe rack. Yeah. Happy Christmas.

So I've started lighting a scented candle. Yeah. Every time we make a... Is that what draws it in? Yeah, yeah. She's like, something's on fire. My crotch. I think...

I think I've started lighting one when I have a wanker as well. Yeah, I have. I love masturbating to the slow flicker of a light. Did it mask the trainer's spill? What? Yeah, I'm just a bit worried about my room. It's got, it's getting a bit.

If you just let me keep the shoes downstairs, but there's not enough room, apparently. So they're in my room. How big of your shoes? It's the number of shoes, not the size of them. They're not novelty giant shoes. You've never even trained to be a clown. Take your shoe

You should leave me Look at Stick a candle Off It's time Right candles Megabol Women do like just a bit of money

Spend Spoil them a little bit Yeah I love Here's a candle Here's some shampoo Go on Washed it You're sticking a shit

Scarf Come on You know what this means Nice as well You know It's cold And I need to wash me here Bit of metal grooming

Maybe Little bit of him Looking good Metal Mail Mail Oh Mail

Oh yeah, trim your pub. Shaby cock. You know the different love languages which I think are actually a bit of a myth when you think about them. Yeah. Is yours gift, gift, gift given?

Gift, yeah, I like, well, because there's acts of service, isn't there? Acts of service. Yeah, I do like acts of service. I like them all. That's my problem. I want acts of service. I want gifts.

I want people, I want to tell me. Words of affirmation. Physical touch. Physical touch. Yeah, I basically want my feet massage while he makes me a coffee and buys me stuff. But watch your number one, because we've all got three.

Mine's words of affirmation. I'm so simple. Just tell me how am I'm, are you loving me? Mine's definitely acts of service. Is it? Yeah. Talk me off. And that's not physical touch, is it?

Not with your hands. That's true, actually. Axis of service. That's a bit of a great way of saying. Yeah, it seems like she's not getting anything out of that. She's also cleaning the house. There's a lot of acts of service going on. clean the house,

suck me off. I said when we moved in, Seneca's acts of service. You do it. I'll get someone else to do it. This cock is not sucking itself. Someone's going to suck this cock. Let's hope it's you.

Tick-tok, tick-tok. Carl, you're great. Keeping everyone happy. It's all they need. I just need to know that you love me, you're happy, things are good. Tell me and I'll keep doing the things that you love. Yeah, my husband just loves being loved.

I don't know that sounds silly, but he loves just affection and compliment. He just loves it. And then he, yeah, he loves it. We just love. The words of affirmation thing really rings true with me because you could be, like, if Laura did something for me, I'd be like, oh, sound, but you seem like you're in a mood. Yeah. I don't like, I'll honestly, I'll do the thing.

I'll put the bins out. Just be nice to me and make me think that you love me. I do think you forget. And she's getting a mood. Yeah. And I'm like, well, thank you. I love that you clean the house, but I don't feel love because you're now in a mood

because I didn't clean it. See, my missus does that, but I'm just like, that's your mood going to deal with her. Wow. I'm watching the match. And she's like, give me that cart camera.

He's just, okay. Butter me up. Tell me, tell me you love me and I'm good and I'll clean the house. Oh. Yeah, I'm like that with my husband.

Like, oh, you look so beautiful when you clean the bathroom. Right. What's the Phil Dumfie thing? Phil Dumf just did someone else's material. Phil Donfie and modern family when he says, he gives a top marriage tip, marry someone that looks sexy when they're disappointed.

Petrius only, he'll nail it for me. Men want to be on their own, but they don't want to be by themselves. You're seeing that bit. No, no, no. We just want our partner in the dwelling somewhere, Well, just not writing. I said that.

I said that. I said that to me. And I was like, oh my God, that is what I feel too. I want you there. Not always there, but I want you with you. Oh, yeah. When Laura's like, where are you going today? Really, Jim today?

Oh, okay. I could totally fuck that up for her by then sitting next to her all day. She's like, it seems like you've been out a lot recently. She doesn't want me sat next to her. She wants the safety of you being there in the comfort of being, A lot of comedians broke up, didn't they, in lockdown?

Because their whole lives, like they broke up with their missus because their whole marriage was based on them not being there. Yeah, being out four nights a week. And some couples are great like that. And then all of a sudden you're like, he's here still. I am. The other day, we had a day off together. Just a full day and neither of us had any plans.

We weren't leaving. Betty Ruther, you know? and I love her. We have a great time, great relationship, like similar things, but it was just a day to sit down. Christmas has been busy, it's been hectic. And I went downstairs,

was watching some stuff on her telly. She was watching her shite in the fucking bedroom. And then eventually, she'd had enough of that, and she had to come down and, you know, sort of potter, you know? And she's coming over and trying to do... And I made her watch.

Because she didn't want to be near me. She just wanted to not be sat down anymore. Yeah. But I was still sat down and enjoying her. And not happy with that. So I made her watch that Patrice O'Neill bit. It's one of my favorite bits of stand up. He's like, yeah, men want to be on their own,

but don't want to be about themselves. And, you know, Trevor, your girlfriend, call your name or like your pet name from another room. You just pray, honey? And your stomach just goes, oh. What does she want? What do you do? I want to watch baseball with you.

Doing nothing, doing nothing in the same house like together as in life. You're doing not in the bedroom, watching the shit you love, and I'm watching the footy, that's golden. And then you come together and you're going to take your way

and you love that. I think having a scroll together is quite, quite romantic. Like if we get the little bit of a window to just sort of like, just have a little scroll. Instead of pretending to go, what do you want to watch,

we'll watch something together. What she really wants to do is just scroll endlessly on TikTok. And I like watching Instagram Reels. We can do that next to each other. And then sometimes, just because I can't be asked stopping her watching hers,

I've gone, this show like this, and then sent it to her, even though she's sat 14 centimeters from me. You've got to go straight to the DMs. And actually we have, at the end of the most nights, she'll go, right,

put your phone down, I've got some things to show you. And then she'll show me 15 TikToks that she's saved all today. That is our way of doing that. That's so cute. Laura sends me, those 15 during the day.

And then if I don't do a reaction with an emoji, she goes, why didn't you react? So even if I don't think it's funny, I'm like, classic. Yeah, also, my mistress just sends me when I watch them in my own time, and it means I don't have to pretend to like the ones I don't like.

Oh, no, I'll tell us to skip. If she shows me food, ones, they get me anxious. I don't want to watch one making a fucking up off for six months. Oh, my husband hates my algorithm. Like, his algorithm is basically guitars, DIY building stuff and 90s tits. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, he loves it.

And then... Ted's from the 90s or 90-year-olds. No, 90s women. You know those women that were... Sam Fox? No, more subtle than that. Like, California girls sort of a bit more natural. And I'm like, wow, okay, this is what you're into.

Oh, you know, it's that kind of mind. But he hates my algorithm, which is basically... I don't know what it is. He just thinks it's bizarre. If you could swap algorithms for the day with your partner, your screen time would go three. the fucking floor. Oh, I don't know what,

I don't, Instagram don't know like Instagram when I'm on his homepage. What the fuck is this fucking bricklaying bullshit? She's like, I follow this because I really like

the interior of the living room. I'm like, yeah, but what goes on? It's like, it's just, they just show you that. Yeah, I'll do. I have loads of them. I like gift wrapping.

Cool. I have loads of them. I have watches and mine's majority men's wear. I could survive on yours. I think that be a good dating show where you people pick each other

based on their home pages and then see if they actually get a lot of. Oh, I'd get a dirty girl. If she picked me off my algorithm, she's got some issues. She's a fucking slats. Yeah, he seems like the one. Right, thank you, Laura. Good luck on the tour. Thanks, base. Where can we get tickets?

laurasmith.com. Well, you kept that fucking simple. Adamuro.com.com.com.com.com.com.com for my tour tickets going everywhere. gone by tickets mate Liverpool very close to sold out and the Comedians Club Chester we've just put on sale all our 2026 dates the first show is the 14th of February there's about 50 60 tickets left

that's Ishan Akbar Liam Bolton and Chris Washington and me comparing so only five shows in Chester for my comedy club this year worth getting on it comediansclubchester.com and hip-hop night me and Carl are doing our first ever maybe only ever

Maybe. Hip-hop party at 24 Kitchen Street in the Baltic in Liverpool. On the 14th of March, doors open at 6. First DJs, Ishan Akbar at 7. He's DJing loads of stuff influenced by Asian samples. He's Asian. And then Carl is DJing late-noughties, modern hip-hop bangers. And then I'm doing the 90s early-noughties classics.

Come down and have a party with the lids. Tickets are everywhere. and in the link or in the description of the episode. Finn, have you got a song for us? Yes, this week is a band called Shore, as in like the Seashore, and this is their tune after show. That's one. Thanks, all.

Lovely stuff, thank you. Bye.