Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #364 with Eleanor Tiernan - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: January 19, 2026

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comDan & Carl's Hip-Hop Night || https://www.skiddle.com/e/41781901Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's new EP: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/AllInYourMindThanks to this week's sponsors:Heights | https://heights.com/haveawordEnter code HAVEAWORD20 at checkout for 20% off your first month!Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everyone. Welcome to this week's episode of the Haverwood podcast. Yes. Me and Carl have got to announce our hip-hop night is on the 14th March, Saturday the 14th March at Kitchen Street in Liverpool. We're both into hip-hop. Yes. We love doing these music nights.

Yeah, we're both on a DJ and so it's going to be a Dan Nightingale set, a Carl Regler set, and an Ishan Achevahs set. So if you love rap and hip-hop and you enjoy the Haver word music nights, Adam's Country Days are amazing. I've done a dance night. The karaoke parties have been brilliant. This might never happen again. So get your tickets.

The link is in the description. And it's on Patreon. Dan and Carl's hip-hop night, 40 a week of March. There'll be a little hippody-hop belter. 6pm till 10pm. So if you're old, you can just go to bed. And if you're young, you can go out afterwards. And while you're here, sign up for our Patreon.

Patreon.com slash have a word pod. We are the biggest patron in the UK for a reason. an extra episode every week, early access to the public episodes, and all of our specials, and my God, there's a few. Every minute of every we've ever made is accessible the second you sign up. If you sign up for a little of three pound,

you can watch every we've ever done. It's the best deal in comedy, I think. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy the episode, cos. Because it was a bloody belter. Wag-waglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool

with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn, this is the one and only. Have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN. The very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed. Get on me. Welcome to a podcast. Oh, wow.

Strong start. It's someone's first episode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We've got an Irish guest on. I'm doing an Irish accent. And also, it's not out of pocket for the whole podcast, is it?

No. It's not like that's going to be a. like, well. It's more like a welcome. Yeah, yeah. Also, you give an energy to the early drivers who've just like,

oh God, me day can't start. We're a drive time show now. Hey, if you're stuck in the M6, let us cheer up your morning with some banter from the boys at the Havreward podcast den. It's me, Adam, Roe. I'm here with Dan Nightingale

Carl Regler, Finn and Harry. I don't get say names. That's more offensive. You get him first names? Yeah, that's new. We're not just the gang of the boys. That's more offensive than the voice. Okay.

Time is some top class. You did drive time, didn't you, on your student radio? I did breakfast, mate. Oh, I got the fucking real deal. Did you do a voice? Newcastle student radio. No, very, just my normal voice. Not even like a yes.

Not even one of them. Okay, it's NSR. Maybe that's the next iteration. I have a word. Maybe we do a pirate radio morning show where people call them. Can it be half 11? 6 a.m. till 7.15. Yeah, we'll be there for that.

Can it be late drive time? We can get lunch time. Is that one? Lunchtime drive show. The lunchtime drive. Yeah, for all the nannas go in the shops. Hello, I'm lost.

Watch out for the young son for me. Talk to the radio. It's my birthday week. It's my birth week. I've been celebrating. Am I expected to buy you a present, by the way? Yes. Okay.

Did he get you on? Wednesday's birthday. The 13th of March? No. Honestly. Far off. Within 48 hours, that's a... 15. 15 to 50.

I hope you made that. Oh, do you know, I've got confused here, because I thought you had the same birthday as my dad, but you have the same birthday as Paul Smith. Yeah. Not your dad. He always remembers to wish me happy birthday. There's another comic, isn't there?

Yeah. Of course you. It's hard to forget, in it. It's his birthday. I know, but... I always wish Alexander Hamilton, happy birthday. But he doesn't send you one back.

Steve Jobs for me. Paul Pilkinson. Floyd Mayweather. Only the goat's born on my birthday. Carlos Valder arm of me. Yeah, but none of them message you first and make you feel bad about your friendship. See your jobs is dead, mate. Yeah, exactly. Paul Smith is flying. Birthday week. What are you doing?

Well, this is the thing. My, I've always tried to make a big deal of me birthday. Like, or a semi big deal. I always just think it's a nice excuse to do something nice. Do you know what I mean? But they're, I'll say. But they're, The woman I'm now shacked up with,

she goes harm for her own birthday. She's like, it's my birth week. And I've sort of taken that inspiration off her. So I've been out for a pint every night for the last three nights. Yeah? Which is obviously not what you do ever. No. It's good killing though.

It is? It is. Because if you get your body at its lowest, it can't possibly get low when you're doing. But also my sleep happening gets worse if I'm drunk, so I'm getting used to sleeping with low oxygen. It's great. You're going to hit that mountain in great shape.

Slightly hung over chest infection. Braving difficulties. He's ready. But actually sleeping in low oxygen. That's so terrifying. When you're to wake, you can least go and you feel like you're doing something. When you're to sleep, your body, you're just going.

I just don't think I'm going to sleep for the week. I think I'm just going to chill. You're not better. I'm so glad I'm in a different place. It's better now because we've been using their machines. I just mean because you're not thinking about it when you're asleep. Anyway, I'll be thinking. Birthday week.

The altitude sense has been a huge help. Oh my God. Can I just say, this has just popped into my head. Thank you. to the altitude centre in London who I, you know. I tried to be smoother it and then went, no.

What? I tried to go into the... I was having a discussion with you about altitude. No, you threw it the other way, mate. I was trying to have a discussion. We've got, we said we'd plug the altitude centre if Dan was about to deliver it. If you ever need to test your, you know...

If you ever want to get out of the trotter with the boys. Yeah. If you want a nearly faint on a incline and not do killy, the altitude centre in London. They've given us machines to... replicate what it's going to be like up there in a similar way. And it's just been good on it.

And I've used it exactly as much as they told me to. How many? I don't know about you. 15 times. 15 times for two hours each. They're always on him. So yeah, I'm a... Birthday week, babe.

Because Killey's just taking over everything. But your birthday is more important to me. I've been doing altitude training for your birthday. I feel really good at the minute because we're about to go to Africa with the boys. And who gets to say that? Do you mean? Part of people going to Africa with the boys? No. No Africans saying I'm going to Africa with the boys.

They're already in Africa. It's like when we, yeah. So are the boys. Would you say you're going to Europe with the boys? If I was going to like Austria, yeah. This is the equivalent of them going to, I don't know, like, Aberdeen. Well, it's probably Mo Vammer in it? That's the one.

Or Snowden. There's a lot of African podcasts are doing a big war cup Mova. All of Indian fellas on Snowden, by the way. We're going Wales with the boys. You say Indian. You mean South Asian. A lot of South Asians on a lot of brown guys. You went worse there.

Why? You went better for the first one and then worse with the second one. Why is that worse? They wear brown. They are brown. You sound like my four-year-old. Well, one of them was wearing vans, so they might be blue by now.

Yeah, one of them had the pair of vans on. He's dead now. Like you were in much better. I had clown. He had a pair of vans on and he was starting the climb at 2 o'clock. He's dead. He's on Snowden. He's one of the eight people a year who die on Snowden.

On Everest, we're like, right, you turn left at the man with the brown hat on. He's dead. He's there. You turn left at the brown man with the vans on. Good God. He's giving me some updates. Oh.

What? Is that Snowden? Avalanche, that looks like where we stopped as well. Avalanche warnings issued at Yovvi after. It's the, uh, Czechoslovakian bit of snowdown That says

Yivievta With a weird Yeah Yivta With serious falls Possible in unstable snow Make we basically fucking climbed evidence

If I'd send you that You'd be like Shut the fuck up shit bag me Avalanche warning For UK Torum hotspot Snow collapsed Without warning fear You will get hurt

I mean they've just Described an avalanche After warning you About an avalanche A weather bomb It's a weather bomb Get the flip-flops We're going up snowing

That's mad We did that with no weather warnings it's uh it's been a good january we did snowdon most of it we had jack finnigan's bertie that was a lovely little gathering and then uh yeah so tomorrow i've got a bought myself a bertie gift you know that's because obviously there's 25 people coming on sundays of the birthday meal and i expect a gift off all of you so that'll be 25 gifts but does you buy yourself it's a watch in it i got myself a fuji film oh did you get it yeah got a fudge film camera so uh i can Shoot.

Yeah, a little, you know. Is that for Killy? The Dolphin. I'm taking it to Killy. I'm also going to take it Sunday. I'm just going to start taking. So it's got, the Fuji film cameras have like a lot of really cool presets and stuff.

They call them recipes. Like you can copy other people's and it makes you, you don't have to do any edit. The shots just come out looking like they've been taken on film, which is what I really like a pictures look like. But obviously with a bit more resolution. What are we talking money wise here on a Fuji film? Is it a pricey little Biatch or quite reasonable?

I got like a starter one and it's got a fixed lens rather than a changeable lens, so I didn't have to buy the lens as well. It's a really good starter camera and I've treated myself to that. That comes Saturday. On Saturday, I'm getting my air cut and my beard done, so I will look all gorgeous and that. And then my missus is taking me out for a birthday meal that she's paying for to Hawksmoor.

That'll give you a little strove, wouldn't it? Yeah? And a... Hawksmore's nice. Yeah. Yeah. She's, you know... It's just not an appropriate place for a out-of-now-now-business lunch. It is.

I just don't want to pay $170 quid to watch Steve. It's just... It's really. It's always... Yeah, it is! Because he knows! Stee got a portal house and I never forgot. Fucking 680 quid for five cunts to have lunch.

Cun-on-Nand-dos! You had a lunch? That's what? The business account's not looking good. Fucking Steve with a fucking cow. Ressel the cunt. Yes, Steve. best in show. Have you got anything that's won awards?

Kill the fucker. I'll have its leg. Yeah, little hawksmoor with the lady. Then she wants to take me for a few cocktails. You know what that means? No, mate. The alcoholism with a relationship is quality. I love it.

And then Sunday's my actual birthday. Sunday the 11th. And I think I've got a perfect Adam row birthday planned. I think it's fucking absolutely perfect. Seven sex sessions before midday. So I think I'll get sucked off when I wake up, I think that'll happen.

You know, she knows. She knows what I like. You suck her off and she wakes up on her birthday. Yeah? Oh, sir. You don't suck her off. She hasn't got to cock. He's got to clip that. I mott her out, though. Oh.

Wake up, girl. Happy birthday. I'm going to mottie. I mean, no one's waking up upset if you're getting fucking your beef boxed. You're Greg Biffle. Yeah. If you're Greg Biffle, rest in peace, by the way.

I don't know how we do that if we can get Greg Biffle in that as an Insta Bingo too The Biffel Easter's a fucking fuming So obviously I fully expect to get sucked off First thing Sunday morning Now genuinely Do you want to wait naturally or it's a non-consensual blowjob morning I think she's always up slightly before me

So as soon as she starts to see me staring a bit And I'm like straight down on the... Then I just want to start tickling me bollocks Oh I love a good bollock tickle Yeah. It's such a nice little preamble. That'll be me waking up and I'll be like, oh, hang on.

About to get sucked off here. Do you not like an accidental on purpose outside of a boxy rub? Like, oh, I'm just going to tickle your leg. But then the, you know, part of the arm touches the willy and you know it's game time. I mean, what's the, is the tickle just a playful tickle? Yeah, you're just like, you know, cuddling and you're like,

but then you feel like the, you know, the forearm drip. And you're like, oh, I know what that means. That means. Wake up, baby. Yeah. My partner only ever tickles with intent. She's tickled your bell-in straight away. No, she...

If she's tickling... She's basically autistic. If she's tickling, she's decided the dicks get in touch. She'd never tickle by like, oh, I'm just being playful. I do like a tickler, like the top. Like, you're stroking a Persian cat.

Yeah. You know one of them? That's how I stalked pigeon. On the top of the bell-end. The fucking hypnotist. Oh my God, she's doing the hypnotist. Where are you here? You on your bar?

always how would he do it on this front I don't know it just feels like I'm laying on my back my cock is pointing at the ceiling are you got an erection yeah yeah that I'm saying you can't pick a lebella of a man who's not erect

you can give it a try no mine'd be hidden away wouldn't he if I'm not erect my cock is in its coat oh yes got down seven hundred down he's got his dick's got one there you go there was a siss out

after that down that see, this is all this is all foreskin privilege. Is it like a head scratcher? Do you know, them things? Like that? It's the doctor evil. Right.

I thought that was more sideways. Hang on. When you wake up, do you not need a, you need a good fart in a waz, don't you? Like, do you fart and piss every time you wake up?

Oh, I do need a piss and a fart. First thing in the morning, but I can't hold it until I've come. It makes the orgasm more intense. If you fart? No, if you, if you need the piss,

you need to come. It's a way form of tantric sex, isn't it? Basically, if you talk to Sting about it long enough, he's like, yeah, I'm just fucking holding in a piss and a fart. And that's my sting.

Yeah. Hello, I'm Sting. Got a message in a bottle. Diven fart in your Mrs's face on your birthday because she won't finish the fucking, the Siamese hypnotist. Oh, wow, she's doing a fucking reverse. Come on there.

And back of a... So, yeah, I probably get nine. off about half-eighth nine o'clock and then I'm playing paddle oh and half ten till twelve the post come paddle yeah yeah most people don't like like getting sucked off before the big game you know but like it's a big game is it yeah you play well I'm playing against the guy who's rated three in the world no yeah he's the third best part playing the world three out of ten so that's actually really high in paddle scores no what it's It's not.

So your paddle rating on the Platonic app goes from zero to 10. Well, it is locally, isn't it? Platonic. It's locally good. Find friends to play paddle live. Use the app. Playtonic. Oh, I've just really gone off this sport a little bit more.

Oh, Playtonic. It's like platonic. Because you can do it in friends. You need three other people. We'll call it Platonic. The app's got live. Oh, Joe Marlitt is the only thing I like about paddle. Go on.

Is that just paddle on up? It sounds like it's multi-spoken. I think so. I think you can put other racquet sports on it as well. Yeah, but no one gives a fuck. Is the score like golf handicap? Sort of. It's a difficulty level of the person you're playing against.

So basically, right. But three out of ten is absolutely excellent. But what are you? So like, no, genuinely. So one is the worst? No. Yeah, no, zero's the west. You start.

So three isn't good, is it? No, it is though. Of course it is. So seven. Hang on, Carl. The best place is. of one to ten. The best panel plays in the world of ten.

No, they're not. The best final players in the world are about seven. They've got the scale off then, aren't they? Eight, nine and ten are fucking redundant here. So three is good then? Hang on.

If I say these three out of ten of all the best footballers in the world, you go, he's pretty good. No. No, if zero, Carl. You're not. Carl, it's zero shit and ten is great.

Three's not great, is it? I think it is. I think what's... Carl's saying and he is right. Like, if Lionel Messi is a 10 and your average Premier League footballer is a 7, then if you rate me 3, you'd be like, oh, he's...

I probably am a 3, a 40. Well, you're closer to shit than good. Compared to the goodness he's ever played, yeah. Yeah, of course I am. We're getting more annoyed about numbers than we are the scale. Look, I'm a 1.8. Oh, well, fucking, when are you going pro?

Seven. I'm not even allowed on the Platonic app. I'm a 1.8. Jesus. He's a ringer. This kid who's a three, he must, he's either good or he's lying to the app. You know what I mean? Wait, so it's not based on anything? No, it is.

So here's what you do. You sign up and you tell her how experience you are and how many games you've played and whatever. Right. And then... And this guy's a liar, so that helps. And then it goes, right, you're, uh...

We'll estimate your, like, a 0.7 for now. Yeah. And then let's say all of us sign up, right? And it's me and Carl against you two. and we're all raised at 0.7 and then we win. We might go to 0.9, you'll drop to 0.6 because you've lost the game.

But what you're forgetting is 0.7 is actually pretty shit hot. But like, so I don't really use the app like this because I only normally really play with people I already know or like I'll get invited to a game with like one of me mates

and like two other people. You can, because it takes four people to play a proper game of paddle, you can just go, right, on Sunday at 12 o'clock, I want to play a Cheshid O'clock. and if three other people also sign up, you just get put into a game with three other people,

you get a random partner, you're playing against two of the random people, and it tries to score match those games. So if there's like 40 people looking to do that, if we're all quite low scored, we'd be put together in the same game because it tries to put you against people at a similar level to you.

There's no point lying to the app because you just get humped every time you try and play paddle. Totally. Yeah. Okay. What's Rob Thomas? I imagine he's lied to it. He's about the same as me. like sort of 1.8 to 2.2.

depending on like that, whether he's played well recently or whatever. Okay. So anyway, yeah. Paddle, uh, Sunday morning, half 10 until 12.

Come home. Shower. Going for a big fat Italian food, not man. Or woman. Or trans. Uh, I'm going for a big fat Italian with everyone.

There's about 30 of us, I think. And then, uh, gonna do a pub crawl of the opposite end of town to what we normally go to? Cooper's. Castle Street rather than Matthew Street. Oh.

And up, up past that, Titherburn Street. Titherborn? Is it Tithar Barn? Tith Barn. I think it's Tithar Barn. Yeah, it's definitely not. It's Titha Barn if you say it like that. Yeah, like the Moorfields area.

It's Tithy Barn. Yeah. For the trance. And I reckon by the time I've played Paddle, add a big fat Italian and I don't know, 12 Guinness or whatever, I reckon I'll be in bed by 70s o'clock and then I'll be fine the next day.

What time's the meal? Two. Oh, right. I thought it was an evening one. No. No. That's the afternoon, isn't it? Well, well played, by the way. That's a great time.

Well, don't. You smashed that. That's a great birthday plan, isn't it? Yeah, because it's... Paddle food and day drinking. What's your dream birthday? 40. Paddle.

Just wake up instantly. Not even a blow job. Rim job, straight away. Oh, fuck. Have you showered? Yeah, no. And I hold it in like... Are you going to have dancers bummer?

I hold it in, just like Sting taught me. Tent your little bumwold, get it kissed on your birthday. You should be tensing for a rim job. You are? If it's first thing and I haven't guffed, I'm tense, mate. That's on air, I think. What, to what? Loo Lick someone's asshole first thing and they fart.

That's on you, not them. Right. I'm like, sorry, I should have give you some fart, you know, time. You fart and send her head his face. And you go, love. Right. You need you wake up and she's licking my asshole like fart. Like, what do you expect, brother?

If I ever wake up birthday or not, and my wife is kissing my bum all, I think she's had a major traumatic brain injury in the night. And we need to look at how she's using pillows. Or it's your birthday. Or it's my birthday. Do you know, so much of this is just, I think Laura needs to start watching the podcast again,

because apparently everyone's getting rim jobs first thing on the birthday, and Laura's really not, like, pulling her weight. So anyway, I'll, I'll, what she's got to do? she's got to caress my tummy, let the gas out and then kiss my bum all. Then I'm going on Playtonic. I'm going to say I'm a nine. We should do that.

You shouldn't say I know and just be the old watching a flying destroyed. I think you just get punched to death. Yeah, paddle for at least six hours. Then another rim job. What time is? Someone I've played paddle games. That's what happens if you're a nine

and you lose a paddle game. You have to rim the other person. You shower in between the paddle or it's... Showering. It's my birthday. What time is it? And then I'm going, Cassie. Italian,

Casar Italian, with everyone who's rimmed me that day, that's one of the treats. You kiss my bumo, I'll buy you a garlic bread. No, Laura and the guy of being a paddle.

You rimmed him? No. No, he lost. Oh, you beat him. Yeah. He kissed my bummer. Sorry, you beat key put.

And then we're going to Tithy Barn Street and we'll try and find it because that's not what it's called. It's a great, it's a great day. 47 pints. Sounds a bit like Adams. Fart my liver out. And then Laura can kiss it back in the next day.

Great. Have you not got a perfect birthday though? By the way, the day after the Italian and the 14 pints on Sunday, on Monday, my birthday presents on top of being taken to Hawkemore. She's fucking spoiling me. Spa morning. 11 a.m. till 3pm. Massages.

Oh, we're off work, aren't me? I'm off, yeah? I'm off as well. I'm off as well. Yeah. I've got a little spa morning. So I can properly put Sunday in the wall now and it's getting rubbed out of me the next day. Do you think a hangover is made easier by a spa day or does it make it a bit?

Yeah. You sweat it out? Yeah, but if you're really hung over, not them saying you'll be ill. But if you're ill, like I love a sauna. Or we are this close to getting a sauna at home. Oh, a little one-man one. Yeah. I think Laura's coming into a little bit of money.

It's a tit-y money? She's going, we're going halves on a sauna. Is it a tip money? The guinea pig money. It's a bereavement money. A bit for her tits because a tits are going Are they still not gone? What?

Are they not gone? I thought they've gone. No, I've. Have you not heard the update? You've heard the update. She's getting new ones. So the original plan was to take the implants out. No one knows my wife has fake boobs until I tell her

because she's not got them strip, but did it. She's got medically flat. I just needed some boobs. Pay for an anana. Love the East Midlands. And... Pay for her nana? Her nana pay for.

A nana pay for. You get someone. It's classic, isn't it? You know, a lot of people want a deposit for a house. If you let me get some new tits, I'll let you say some new sits. I'll pay for yours. Not an Innamnuck. So she got those, but then they do have an expiry.

They've been in for a bit. And she was like, I just want them out. And you've got to be supported. Yeah, there's a limit. You got a sniffing. Cravingdale ones, you're getting above three weeks. She's got live tits. And, but she's decided she's, she's going again.

She's going again. She's really. She's really. up. She's resigning. She's like a Chelsea contract, 10, 12 years. Bigger ones? That's what I said. But you can't push too hard for that. Although I do. Are you asked the tip money here from the French?

No. The tip money is not dropped. The French and all now? I reckon you're never getting there. The European Court of Breast rights. Yeah, the European Court of Sport. You Sarder have got involved. So we are hopefully

going to get a sauna at home. I'm never leaving my house. Yeah. He's cutting. Got the box, I mean? Oh, that's going to be so good.

So on a colplunge. I don't think four-year-olds can use saunas. Why? Yeah, because finish. They get in it

from... There's not finish. It's not finished. It's only four. Twenty-eight. Um, no, I don't,

I think, unless I'm, maybe I'm being in, uh, I just don't think you can't think you can't think you can't a country? What are they?

In a country? What are they doing? Dubai? It's basically a sauna. They're inside with air, aren't they? You don't leave your four-year-olds out in the desert.

But Jack ever getting the cold plunge? Yeah, they've both tried it. It feels like it's, it's undoable for them. You know, when you're a kid and you feel the extremes more, Jack had his legs in for all of three seconds and then nearly cried. But he asked to do it, he wanted to do it.

Respect. Can kids get it? Age five. Holy shit. They can actually go in a sort of. They can do five to seven minutes. Oh, fuck. I'm not going to tell them that.

They will not know that. So yeah, saw on a cold plunge. I'm never leaving my house again. Are you still cold plunging? Is that still a regular? Oh, I'm on a great run at the moment, twice a day. And at the minute it's fucking freezing. Also, it's so cold that there was some, you know, they were iced over.

I left the top off the cold plunge, so it froze, and then used a rolling pin to break it up a little bit. But then the filter, once it's gone down to really cold, it can keep it like that. Can I ask you a question? It's at 0.7 degrees Celsius. Jesus. Is that the only thing

you've ever used that rolling pin for? Yeah. Yeah. I don't bake. What's a rolling pin for? For baking. Yeah.

For rolling out dough. Yeah, man don't bake. Or for hitting cats. I haven't got a cat. Is that not Tom and Jerry? Oh, yeah. You're going to care to. You're going to caretzee.

I'm a joke then. I would like to get into baking. I'd get into baking before I got into cooking. I went through a little period a few years ago of making apple pies. They were pretty bad. Pretty bad. You baked with those. When was this?

This was when I met Laura, 2014. You like apple pie? Flex. I make apple pies on top. I'm always... The Honourable life was baking. The rolling pin. I haven't put any apples in it.

I don't like apples, but... Or pastry. I'm an empty tin. It's my apple pie. You want some sugar. You got the bacon when we did the bacon. I've got to watch an on pageant. com slash have a web podcast.

You were decent then. You were quite a depth then. He was the decorator. I was the art. It was basically the art GCSC all over again. It was just fucking dinosaurs on Mars. A lot of day. We did such a good job.

Yeah. Yeah, and I paid for it. Brilliant. Do you pay for it? We got me. We made that. I mean, we made it. All right, cool.

I'm genuinely interested to what you would have as your perfect birthday. Your next birthday if you could design the full day yourself, which everyone should be able to do by the way.

It doesn't matter how many kids you got or how many fucking wives you've got. You should be allowed to be like, it's my birthday, we're doing this. So what are you doing? What are you doing? I like Gold Carton me. Really?

Really? Yeah, I love Gold Carlin. That's so, like, so why aren't we doing that for your birthday? Because I'm in Paris. Right. And Seneca's birthday's the next day, so we usually put them together and do one.

Right, thing that goes over both days. But if she wasn't there, Yapping and you'd hear about Paris, she'd beat Go-Cartan. I book Paris, but yeah. This is basically the rules of, what we've done with Harry Day,

which goes live today for us recording, but has been out now on the Patreon for... Two weeks. Yeah, okay. Patreon.com slash have a weird part. So we did my day. We did Carl, Adam, Finn, and now we've done Harry. Yeah.

Basically, the rules here are, it's your birthday, you get a dand day. Except instead of making you all do it for content, you're making your family do it because it's your birthday. Yeah, you're doing... You're doing stuff you want to do. Fawking class.

Oh, I would... I want to go shooting. With the kids? Shooting what? Clay pigeons. Oh, not. Manimals. I'd love to go shooting.

That would definitely be on my list for a... So why don't we book that in for your birthday? Hip-hop late. Let's do it. Why don't we go clay pigeon shooting and then we'll go and have some food? Fuck off, let's do that. This is what I wanted.

This is what I wanted to bring this up for. I want to you all to have a proper baby. I want to go that posh, sornet and... Wild. Oh, we go to Wild on your birthday. That'd be lovely, Robert. I want to do that. And we'll be hung over because the hip-hop night and the party.

That's going to just say. I know I initially said, like, can we just do it for us? I mean? I don't want to think. We don't know why people. Because the wife and kids think is fun,

but they're not going to be good at shooting. No, but here's the thing. Like, I'm playing paddle. None of you had invited to that. Like, we can go, the wild son and the clay pigeon shooting

and then we can meet your family and you know, the friends later for food. In and a... Here, kids. Nice. Right, well, I'm saying right now, get me warm, get me cold.

Let me shoot something. Bang. That's my day. We're booking in today. Beautiful. And then a big hickories, they know, with everyone you've ever met.

I think hickories has gone off, you know. Oh, I don't even, I do, I'm real, like, it's not what it was. It's more places. I don't know if it's my favourite anymore.

Hawksmore. Hawksmore. See? We're going Hawksmore. Get hungry. Bill's on you. Joe Bertie. What are we doing for your birthday,

Annie? I was thinking about this. When I was 11, I went to a birthday. party at this close quarters paintball place and scam in an industrial park i've been there i've done that as well sick you have to when you play football you're too take it like christmas you end up with so many like wounds yeah yeah yeah close quarter paintball yeah you know like so i've done like paintballing in like fields and that before with like

which seems safe like it's like climbing frames with like and like there's like little huts and yeah yeah yeah and i i do yeah people are hiding in the hut and you get your gun in the window they they're fucked yeah but like from like this far yeah sick i want to do that Yeah. Paintballing. Paintballing. And then is there some like fried chicken vegan paradise restaurant that we could take you to? Um.

AFC? What's the play? Down the hatch in town is good beer. I like gluten. Yeah. It's like if you rolled up gluten and fried it. I've been there before. I have the Satan burger and my ass has never been quite as as.

Yeah. I've been having some stomach problems. I'm not sure if that'd be good. I've heard Nashville clock is amazing. Nashville clock when I order it. John, you order food. Yeah. And you're starving and you order it.

And you're like, oh, did the wrong order there. And you've eaten it and you've eaten and you phone. I'm never. I'm always satisfied by National Clock. They always smash it. It's always, I did a good order. I might actually have that for me lunch in a minute.

hashtag not add, but they are very good. And the altitude centre as well if you, if you ever want chicken and altitude. So we're going paintball and in Schem. Paintball and Schem. Down the hatch. And then do you want any late activity? Are we just going for a drink?

Can we... The hot vine in Bursco. Do a good pub quiz. So, Go Skem, then Liverpool, then Bursk. So we need a big bus as well. A big bus. You like, you like being like a bit like... See, if it was, if it was me just on my own,

I'd go to the cinema and watched two films. But you can do that. You can fuck us all off after the food and go, I'm going to the cinema. It would be bed. Yeah, but I want to do the pub quiz as well. So it'd be pub quiz than the cinema. Okay. Cool day?

Cool, yeah. Paintball and Satan burger pub quiz. Finn. Abby Bedimid. Sucked off in the morning. You didn't live with your mum, though. She got her dick. Yeah, she's got the headache.

She's gone out. So someone's in the house who's... Just a randomer. Oh, really? One night's that room job? Off the street? Not a homeless person, but someone just that was about in Rill. They've got no teeth, so it was fine.

Is anyone about in Rill just suck me off? Anything, a better rim job? Yeah. Less risk. The breath's about the same. Nice. And then... I would like to, what would I do in the afternoon?

Smoke weed in a box room for six hours? No, no, because then you've written off. That's an end of the day activity. So I would go and I'd like a game of five a side. Yes. Morning, not morning. I like a lion. So midday, one o'clock five aside for an hour.

I get to pick the teams. Yeah. Huh? Only an hour. Genuine question. Would you pick those teams so that you're clearly on the best team or would you want it to be even? I'd pick it so they're pretty even

but my team's probably going to win. Okay. He picks teams different to us. We pick teams to have a good game. See, I'm genuinely so competitive that in that situation, I'd rather be on the slightly worse team and rallies to try and win the game.

No, I just want people at work hard. Not Carl. The ball does the way for me, Joe's working hard with me, the goalkeeper picking the ball out of the net. This is building like momentum, this reputation that you basically just get a deck chair out

and sit in the middle of the fucking five-a-old. I'm Dimitar Berbertov, mate. He's not. He's a Tibertov that shouts at other people for not running. Yeah. Yeah, Berbetop. You need to always. Sat down.

By the way, not a peep. Silence. And by the way, at that time, his rainbow flicking and he's gone over heads. That's all that happens with Adam. That's the ball. Five aside. And then,

Lord of having it for lunch. I'd go to like a leaf or something. And just, you know, not be the little, working class kid that I am in order little things I'd get a proper meal. Then, probably a gig. Ideally of a band. No.

Maybe. No. No, a band I kind of want to see. Not one that I'm... Stereophonics. Really, but stereophonics is a great shout. I'd like to see him.

I've never seen them. But I'm not like... If it's a big gig, that's all I'm thinking about all day. If it's like... Oh, so if it's God tier for you, then actually you don't want to share it with us. A little...

I'm going to... I watched Tame Impala in May. I'll be thinking about that for the week before. Going, what am I going to do? What am I going to wear? What we're going to do? What's his name? Tame Impala.

You've definitely heard of Tame Impala. I've never heard those two words ever. You've heard the song. You've heard the song. You've heard that. They sound like a band, but it is a dude, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

It doesn't sound like a band. It sounds like a man. Tame Impala. Tame Impala sounds like a bad name. It's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not Mr. Impala If you don't know from that, you don't know it, but it's a very famous song that you don't. Yeah, no, nothing.

Or elephant. After the wiggles, the wiggles do a great cover of the elephant. That's Evan. Yeah. So gig and then, yeah, then a blaze. But that is with... A house fire?

Yeah. A bit of arson. A bit of arson. Tend the night. Stereophonics, burn a house down. But that is without use, because yous aren't the bright company for that.

No, but you have fun. That is, that is use on ideal blunt rotation, I won't lie. I thought you really enjoyed a fucking sound. I loved a ganja man. You went west,

you were too much. He's a pussy. And you go to sleep. I mean, I was too much because I was having fun. Sorry, for having fun,

all right, man. Mate, you want to see me, blazing. I reckon Stee's good. Steve, Steve, is chill.

Steve went into himself. Steve became a fucking Yeah, he's chilled. He'd order the most expensive spliff on the menu. I don't want to have to worry about anyone else. My team bone spliff there,

please love. I don't want to have to worry about anyone. You don't have to worry about me, mate. Yeah, you go to bed. Give me. You just go straight to sleep. Who you're smoking with? Probably.

He wants his brother up. Yeah, it's probably my brother and maybe a couple of other mates. The Blue Dolphin Rangler's their fun. I want to pass on that one then. I won't be there, actually. Well, I think I nailed it to three peas. Paddle pasta pints.

And. Penis. Yeah. Penis paddle past the pints. There you go. I can't be excited about your birthday. My penis. I just said a bit of Go Carton.

I think Go Carton's sick. I love the smell. I love the smell as well. Yeah. Burning rubber. All right. Yeah, they're petty and they... I once took a girl on a date,

go-karting in town, and she just crashed into me the whole time. Had you... That's floating. What date is this? This isn't date one, because you can't talk, Go-Carting.

Howdy does? I think it... Maybe date two. I wasn't... Where did you go to school? Yeah. She was like... Had she expressed an interest in go-karting,

or was this just you'd plan the date? She was fucking mental. I don't know. She was like, yeah. I think we was like, let's go to the arcade. And she was like, I want to do go-karting.

And then she just was like, she got told off by the stewards. For what? For crashing into everyone. They were like, you need to stop. She was like trying to spin off children, stuff like that. She sounds great.

Better than one can imagine. Correct. And you were raised children. Were they with you? I didn't bring the children. It was just like a... Oh, you like, A go-kart track.

If you go-to-a-go-cart and thinking there's only two years, they don't just let you have to track to yourselves. Were you a child as well at this point? No, I was like, what, 23. Oh, this is a, like, two years ago? No, is it pre-pre-Elly, obviously. So it wasn't Ellie. Pre-Elly post-John Terry.

Yeah. Cool. When I went out of John Terry could be. He was dating until he was 6-1. Is John Terry 6-1? It was just the centre-back. Yeah, it's a good date. No, it's a good date.

not talk about it. No, it isn't a good date. Because you talk about it afterwards. It's like escape rooms are good dates. Me and Ellie did an escape room. But you talk in Jordan there? No, but you're talking about the escape room. I'm not like, where do you go to school.

It's like, let's do this puzzle. Oh, honestly, the thought of that is like vaping to me. Just on the standard. And then afterwards, you go for food and you go, well, wasn't that puzzle sick? That's why escape rooms are good. There you go. I'd rather go cut. Let's have a break.

Welcome back. We have got some. Quaker. Cool. Question. Capple pow! Whoa! He's one of our own.

He's one of our own. That's a real name? Capple pow. It says, all right, boys, question for you, lot. If each of you got to pick one person to become a knight or dame for services to comedy,

who are you picking? So, this would be nice. I don't know if this is something that happens. but surely yeah it'll be entertainment like Billy Connolly surely the government it's the government who tell the king who's getting the the honour he knows it is it no no

does he know we're just having it's the government the pick it yeah it is absolutely it's absolutely the government to say now which feels weird yeah it's because Charles loves Luther yeah because he's smart I think the king goes out with his boys on like her annual like piss up

who's this year fellas Honour's committee's made senior civil servants and independent experts. And the king and the boys. Who then present them to the king for final approval. And he does what he's told, because he has no power whatsoever. He can't be like,

Luther was shit, Elba's not getting nothing. He could definitely could. No, but there'd be riots. He definitely doesn't. Would there? Yeah. If he'd just Elber then get nice

and I'm not rioting. Yeah, because he's gone against the great, like he's meant to do what we tell them to, and he? Yeah, the King's speech that he does at the start of parliament. He didn't write that. What do you mean?

He's got ghostwriters? I'm telling you how the fucking government works. You're telling me the king's got ghostwriters. It's fucking slander. It's the government tells him what, it's not like, ah, this is boring. You're all telling me on Chris. This has been fucking amazing.

What's the jungle book quality? So Keir Starver hasn't got enough to do. He's writing the King's Speech Forum as well. You famously, the King's Speech has got a King's Speech writer. I've seen the film. Right. Okay, cool. Well, that was in 1940.

Not Angela Rainer doing that, is he? Shut out, Angela Ray. they'll love her. Surely the king goes, I'm what saying that? I know the shite. No, he does what he's fucking told. Otherwise,

we take his money off him. We'd be taking heads off, mate, or guillotines? If I was the king, and they were like, this is your speech, I'd be like,

I'll fucking wing you, put that away. If you were the king, you'd either bankrupt the monarchy within four years or... I would have bankrupt the monarchy? It would be...

Ever would be... Ever gives him 50p a year? The king, you know, that's a scouse king? He's a techno-billionaire or all of a sudden? I don't know, he's done it. fucking... Scottish...

Scottish John's a fucking Duke all of a sudden. No, the king just does what he's told on... on the honours. It's not the king going... Do you know why? He's got a veto. There's no way he doesn't have a veto.

Surely he's not like a put them in as well. Yeah. No, he's got a sign off on every... What if, like... What if Idris Elbert had fucking slotted Camilla? Yeah. And like, the only people knew about it was Charles Camilla and Idris

and he's like, look, you know, sorry, I walloped your beard. and then he gets, oh, you've got to knight this fella. He'd be like, I'm not knighting him. He's fucking bummed me bed. Yeah, in that very specific case, I think maybe. He just has done really well. There's got to be visa in case of extra marathon phase.

No, lad. Yeah. I just won't do it. And then what happens? Great point. I don't know. What if, like... That's it, in it.

Yeah. He goes, nah, lad. What if they were given, like, a day mud to the woman who replaced Daniel Westbrook as Sam in EastEnders? Do I mean? And then he's like, I prefer Daniela Westbrook. Just because she got, like, bad on the Coke. Doesn't mean, like, this, like, fucking woman.

Is that in the King's speech at Christmas? This is like, I've seen the film. It's all about Daniela Westbrook. Like, what's Sonia's real name again? Natalie Cassidy. Has she got one? She must have one. Yeah, she's a Dame.

She's Dame Natalie Cassidy. Is she? Yeah. She deserved. That was a Charlie one. I love these standards back in the day. Barsh. It'd be a high risk knighthood, though, wouldn't it for Idris?

If he has slotted Camilla, because you're going to get knighted and there's a sword on your fucking neck. That would be big news though, wouldn't it? He's not cut it into Selba's head off. If King Charles chopped into Selber's head off. Yeah, but with them sausage fingers. That'd be fairly big news.

I think he'd lose his kingship. Yeah. No, because he's allowed, the laws don't apply to the king, do they? Would that make you like the royals? What, if he beheaded... If he decapitated Idris Elber because he'd been slotting Camilla, I'd have more of a soft spot for the institution as a whole.

And then he was like, my sausage fingers. What can I do? That's my child. He'd be put in prison and then William would take over. He reckons he's going to change the monockewarm, he's going to make a fucking modernise it. He's going to modernise it.

Like, Buckingham Palace, you're going to be able to go and have a look around a thing to do and like water slides off the bedroom palace. That's not, that's all, that's already an option. Prison water slides. They're like vendor machines and type C plugs in there. Oh, yeah. Can't...

Get free Wi-Fi at Buckingham Palace. Is that where the king lives? No. No. Balmower. Windsor. Windsor. Yeah, well, you'll be able to go Windsor Castle.

Was it Sandringham? No, he lives in Windsor. That's where the... Yeah, but I think... That's where the Queen lives. Oh, just come round. What's Balmoral? Fawken Buffy.

That's a holiday home. Oh, is it? What's all over there? Sandringham, Balmoral and Buckingham Palace. Yeah, they've got some properties. Yeah. Clarence House. They've also got a caravan at a haven.

Isn't that a haven? Isn't it, though? Isn't it a court that's a part of... I'm sure it is. No, Clarence's house is his... Is that his residence? It's on the... Well, I think William's going to make it more accessible.

He's going to be like, come and have a look at the castle. I'll put a spread on. I'll do some fucking sausage rolls and... Oh, he's doing the tours? I think he's going to be there. And just be like, welcome fucking... Go ahead. Is the remote put what you on time? The crown?

Just on a loop. Anyone want to share password? No, I'll do it for you. He's going to make it more accessible. Yeah, I think he's going to modernise it. Right now, I'm not connecting to the monarchy because it's all all far too fucking sheet things. Because you can't go and watch Netflix in the house.

No, but I mean, if William comes out and goes, what's happening? I like stranger things and starts to connect them with the kids. Whereas Charles, like, oh, what does he like, gout? He loves gout. He loves gout. I can't connect with the queen or the king, them. But if William's a bit younger, he likes,

he's a villa fan, isn't he? Yeah. Come out and go, ooh, they are, but he's sick. I mean? I'll get it, no. They had him on the... That's all right to get him on the family. Well, yeah, if he comes out and goes, yeah,

I prefer a four, three, two, one myself. Oh, well. Also, if he comes out, like, he could just come out and be like, do you know what, keep your money. Like, we don't need the money for the monarchy anymore. I've got a fucking 401k. That'll fucking box me after. He's American, though?

I've got a bit of crypto. Do I mean? I'll be all right. I've got a fucking part-time job. I mean, that would be amazing if they stop taking... Don't we all give them 50p a year each? Isn't that what it is? Sort of like that, yeah.

Yeah, they do all right. They do all right. So all he's got to do is go, come around my house to watch Stranger Things and Una Emery's sound. Yeah. I'm instantly connected more with the monarchy. Keep the tax money.

We don't need that anymore. I've got a helicopter tour business for the Pennines. Williams' first king speech is going to be fucking wild. Keep that doll, lad. But Willie's shop is waiting. Flying those and Pennines. Sir Olly Watkins. I've got a party bus for Stag and Endoos

brings me in a couple of grand a week. I'm boxed, mate. You can keep that money. It's 132.1 million pounds this year and that's gone up because they're making, their profits have gone up. That's two pound.

Whoa. It used to be 50 pounds. Cost a living. They're having a fucking nightmare. I don't like the monarchy, but they can have two quid. Like, I'm the last. You know what I mean?

Just fucking. Yeah, Charlie. I'd like to give him it in person. I'd support the monarchy if I could go and just... Like one of the parents that pays fines in like pennies. Yeah, lad. You took the kid out of school in June. Yeah, yeah.

Come around and pay it. Bag of money. Yeah. I think he's going to change you on the money as well. He's going to be like, don't put me on the money, lad. Just put fucking, you know... John McGinn. Tidal Ming's.

Put John McGinn on the 50, lad. John McGinn and... Tom Hanks. Who's your knighthood going to? Is it a Dame hood? Yeah. Who's... Is Billy Connolly or Eddie of it?

He must. I imagine he's got a... Would he have turned it down? I imagine he's got some kind of honour. I don't know if he's a sir, though. Lenny Henry's a sir. He is, he's Sir William Connolly. That's deserved, and he's a fucking God.

I don't know. It's got to be someone younger and he hasn't been off of it yet, I suppose. Me? 2017. Adam, Ro. I've got a bit of a rogue one. I think.

I'm with a Stephen Merchant. Not Ricky Jervais. You're going straight Stephen Merchant. I think Stephen Merchant's kept his, you know, he's kept his quality control. All right, okay. Yeah. A little dick there.

I like how much of the TV though. Jervais has kept us quality, hasn't he? What bad TV do? I wasn't a big of a fan of afterlife, to be honest. But a lot of people wear, though. Very well-known TV show, though. Just because you don't like her. Yeah.

who would I make it? No, but you're saying he's dropped in quality, he hasn't. I think he has. That's my opinion. Wrong. You're wrong. I think Ricky Deerase might turn it down. And make a shot about it.

Which is fair. Need to read sweet. It's absolutely like... Would you turn it down? Yeah. Would you? Yeah, I want nothing to do with an archaic institution. What do you get?

What do you get? That underlines a class system that I don't believe it. Yeah, but like I'd want it and then just like wipe me ass with the paper. Do I mean? I've filmed that. Like, Ah, there you go, Charlie, full of shit.

Just like you. Here's your two quid. So, hang on. You take it. That's a Willie for the choppers, lad. You cut my neck. I'll fucking cut you. A piece of paper.

Sir Adam Rowe. Although I do want to keep that. Sounds fucking sick. It'd be funny if, like, you'd accepted it, but then, like, refuse to kneel. Do you mean? He's squared on name. I'm not kneeling.

So who gave it back recently? Who you said? Like, like, Machine. There's a list. He gave his back. There's a list of... Mr Sheen.

There's a list of people who've rejected... Sean Lennon's, like, one of the first famous ones. That's Michael Sheen's dad, though, in it? Mr. Sheen, it is, yeah? Mr. Sheen is also... Michael Sheen, Mr. Sheen?

No, but Michael Sheen's dad is the Mr. Sheen man. Google it. No. Do not! I'm not... I'm not going to Google that. I'm not.

Do not Google that. I will fucking snap that laptop and half before you Google that. Fucking hell meat. Someone in my life is receiving an OBE. Oh, a fucking swimming teacher from Rill. Yeah. Is it really?

No. For services to swimming. Oh, is it one of your drama. No, I'm not saying who it is on purpose. Why, they're going to be in the news? Yeah, I know, but... I got put forward for NBA. For Zawis plays stuff.

Yeah, but you're the way. you're ass with it. No, but I said I was going to make a big deal about like being like, fuck off, lad. And I think they were like, yeah. Give it to his instead. That's definitely what happened. They were like, yeah, Adams are nailed on for this.

Hang on. He's a bit edgy. Fucking off. It's just going to be a clip. So would you turn it away as well? He'd love to be a member of the British Empire. I just, I don't know. Like, what's funnier?

Do you mean? Is it funnier to accept it and then be a dick about it? funnier to turn it down. I think it's funny to turn it down. Is it? Because you can't have your cake and eat it too. People go, well, you are an NBA. Now you should complain about it.

You wouldn't have a like to stand down. It's definitely not funny to turn it down. You can turn it down on a moral stance of like, I'm not buying into this bullshit system. But that's not funny. That's just you being a little like anti-establishment guy. It's funnier to take it and then slag it off and get it taken off you. Yeah.

To get taken off you off. Yeah. Do a stand-up show about being NBA and how fucking ridiculous it is. They've attracted. it is well better. I give one to Vic and Bob, both of them at the same time. Oh, absolutely.

On the sleeve, Nick and Bob. Next to each other, yes. They can't be a sermester with each other. Sir Bob Mortimer. I love Vic Reeves as well.

He's a fucking goat. You thought it to draw on Willie Vic Reeves and I never changed. So you pick your way to draw a dick, don't you? When you're a kid. Everyone draws him differently. He's like quite,

he likes a big bell end, him. Like a bulbous bell end on yours. Yeah, yeah. How do you know who, how, Vic Reeves, Draws a dick. He was on telly once.

He showed you how to draw a dick, and I've always, I've just talked about. I thought he meant in person that he taught him. On a telly, and I never changed. I was like that.

I like that way. Cheers, V. Oscar says, by the way, I'd also take it off, David, Jason. Just because I think

only feels an horse is a bit overnated. One. And he's a really bad Airbnb host. Oscar says, question, if you could add one more of any body,

part to yourself. What would you have and where would you put it? You get to add a body part. An arm on my back. Just scratch you back. I'm not joking Carl, you've fucking nailed that. Yeah. What you mean? Because like, say like, John, like you're facing

the way on the bed. Like, then I'm out to be on you or something. You know what I mean? You're like, yeah. Also, when you've done a good job and no one's giving you the credit you deserve, you can back yourself on the back. Or like, you know, when you're taking me back, but like it's lying that way because you're like that. You can just turn them out. I think, oh yeah.

Do you like a back scratch? I mean, touch me anyway. He doesn't like a back scratch? Never been more important to me. Since I've started the test, fuck me, I would love to be able to scratch my own back because Laura is not doing it.

Oh. Legs for me. Is that a side effect of the test? Yeah, I think so. It's itchy back? Yeah, man. Oh my God, I love it anyway. Have you got little bollocks now as well?

My bollocks are a little bit small, but my shoulders. Another mouse on the base. on the base of one of me feet for when I drop crisps. But aren't you always tasting the floor though? Do you mean? Aren't you always tasting the floor? No?

Because I just have my mouth shut. Close his footmouth. Sorry. You don't walk around with your footmouth open. It's just disgusting. Can you footmouth talk or is it just an eating mouth? I don't know what, I mean, maybe it can talk, yeah? It's a mouth, isn't it?

Yeah, it'd be great. You're just with someone you don't like and you hear a muffled You're a cut Just imagine just like you drop a kiss When you drop like a monster Once you're just like Fucking big all that

Cheers Or a leg Just above my ass And I can just like You have a permanent chair I can just sit down Oh like one of those Like hiking hiking stools

Yeah But wouldn't it just fuck up sitting down Fuck up jeans as well I'd buy jeans there man The girls at Stitches I'd love that I'd like a knob on my forearm on the back of it. Yeah.

Because then I could just like, you could just be like, you know, when you hung over and you'd feel knackard, could just have a little arm, knob wank. And if someone interrupts you, just... You know what I mean? You can run of fucking sticking out. No, I love, I'm watching fucking Billy Elliot.

Watching Paul. Same thing, that he... And it's like Spider-Man at the end. Do you mean? Yeah, you've got to go like that. Yeah. Yeah, it comes, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, your arm. Why your arm? What? Most accessible. It's most successful place, isn't it? It's, but your dick is... The middle ear chest like I am. I'm gonna be good, yeah, but like,

God's really blessed us there. Like, if you literally let your hand... It's there. Yeah, but if you get interrupted, wanking and your pants are down, everyone knows what you were doing. Yeah. I mean, if you, like, go, go out that door

and I'll, like, oh, but I think people know you've got a cock on your arm and they're going to put two and two together there. Can you piss out of it as well? What? Can you piss out of it as well? That would be fucking great. Yeah. Even if you need the piss on the car.

Yeah, just out the window. How big is it? Is it cock size? It's exactly the same size as you could and cock. That's two, that's too big for your arm. What do you mean? As in like, that is an inconvenience. Yeah.

Has it got bollocks? It'd have to, wouldn't it? Is that an erection on your arm? You just happy to see the, if you hit the bollocks are there as well, that's... Does it hurt? Yeah. If you get hit in the arm. It's a cock, then.

Yeah, but I'm saying, if you get hit in the butt, your arm bollocks, are you, like, writhing in pain? Yeah, and that's going to happen way off. He's called a foot. He made 40, be hard. It's a nightmare for paddle. Strapping up.

Maybe I'll put on my left one. I'll be better anyway. It's a head. Can you do a head? Yeah, I want a second head. I want to be able to talk someone when I'm like lonely and that. That's so bleak.

Fucking hell. Just get another mouth like him. Just like, have I just got like another head here? Is it you? Is it another person? This podcast cannot handle you having another head. I'm just telling you.

Is it you or is it another person? I think it's me, but I could, like, style him differently, could I? Is he talking like you? Is he the same brain? Like, you've got different thoughts? He'd have a different brain, wouldn't he? The head's in the head.

So it'd be a separate brain. I'd still control everything else, but he'd be here, and I'd just look and go out. So it's, we've asked what's an extra body part and you want a conjoined twin? No, just the ed.

I don't want him to be able to control. That's what's what's what's enjoying twins are. But they can control, like, the other parts and stuff. Can you control it, like, look away? I can tell him to and hopefully he listens you go,

can I have some privacy please? I think that's the least subtle answer. People are going to know there's something got on there. I'll have a face on the back of me head then like Voldemort. Why? I can wear a turban then.

You can wear a turban anyway? No, because they go... It doesn't give you the right to wear a turban. No, because they go, why are you wearing a turban? And I just pulled it up and the back of me head goes hello and they go, ah, fair enough. Who? People don't talk to you who ask me like...

Oh, fair enough. Turn the turban. She doesn't just a purse on the back of his head. You know, like, Voldemort's on the back of your head. Oh, he's got a Voldemort situation going on. It's fine to wear the turban. You know, everyone that wears a turban doesn't have a head on the back of their head.

We don't know that for sure. To be fair. We're looking at you, India. You've never seen the back of Bin Laden's head. I cannot argue that. But I've never seen the back of like Simon Carlshead either. I have. You have?

When? Like, when it pans behind them? Like, on Britain's got talent? Are you, uh... No. No. I know where it's going. Oh shit.

Are we doing Dan versus Food? Right. Oh, I remember now. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another edition of Dan versus food. Dan is a 52-year-old man with food phobias. 44.

Basically means he's scared of dinner and snacks, which is very pertinent to today. Dan has spent his entire life nervous and really like panicky and anxious about eating certain things. foods that he doesn't trust properly. For example, he'd never had gravy or fish and chips or a pie until he met us.

We make him try these foods every week and see how he's getting on. Where you going, Carl? Oh, I see. Okay. We're doing pub snacks this week. We've got some salted pork scratchings. I'm going to eat the rest of these because you're not going to like them. We've got some beef jerky.

That's good protein. It is. We've got some pickled onion monster munch, which you've never tried before. and then we've got scampy fries. Scampi fries are delicious, but you're really not going to like them. Get the bin.

I think we'll start with beef jerky. I think that's probably the safest... Okay. I'm really hopeful about this. It's just dried beef, isn't it? Great, great proats, mate. Oh, the tongue came on and like a little frog. Oh, no. That's the right reaction to beef jerky.

Oh. Initially, like, is this a shoe? A little bit smoky. Dry as fork. Just dye beef. That's quite... Is that bad for you? I mean, I wouldn't eat it as every day.

No, you're absolutely fine. It's got proteins, just meat. Oh. I thought it would be. Oh, it's still going. Yeah, to cheer or like. Is it like eating some leather? She eats food.

Right. Okay, that's a nice surprise that. Okay. Nice. And there's a positive to it. Good start. So you'd order that in a pub? No, absolutely no.

All right, okay. No. This is the safest one of all time. See, I don't think it is. I don't, I'll have them. The giant of that is the best crisp on the market. It is a quiet taste. What flavored monster munch is this?

Pickled onion. Pichold onion. And you love onions. Oh, shut up. How am I having my first monster munch at fucking 44? 52. 52. Oh, it's good.

It's so good. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's weird, nice that. Dan, get the giants and you burn your tongue. That's a bit like, um, you know the fish and chips? Oh, you've fucked up, Harry. these are not proper pork scratchings fucking hell,

Larry. Wasn't even me that bought them. Finn. I mean, it was like a pork crisp but you know. Josh, you got them off the rack.

We'll have to get you some proper pork scratchings next time. All right. Pork crisp. Oh, they've got quite the text of. So what is a port scratch

I've never actually known? It's the skin, isn't it? Oh. It's the fat of the internal organs of a pig. Oh, come on. It's in my mouth. Fried.

Why? Is it fried, it's fried, Dan? Yeah. It's fine. It is? It's the scratch the heart.

That was going to be fine then and you started talking It's just the internal stomach fat of a pig Deep fried and salted It's not the internal organs, is it? They'll put that on the pipe. Oh, it's pig bummer, deep fried. Yeah, I can smell the monster much. And the headline act of today's Dan versus food

A Scampi fry. What's scampi then? Fish, is it? Yeah. I thought it was like shrimp. They're delicious and you're actually going to be fine. You're gonna love it. Scampi's great, mate.

Probably reminds me, Nan Scampi. She just loves Scampi. For Carl's Nan. Just me, Nan. Love in Scampi. You can do it. You can do it. It's gonna be lovely.

Dan, it's just a crisp. Mmm, fish. It's like chicken, really. Go on, Dan. That's class. Oh. What is that? Scampi.

God. Does it smell fishy? No. Then you should try Scampi. Oh. They've got like a lemon he's taste of them. Oh. Wow.

Oh, I put money on Scampi fries making me a huge. Let's get some ratings. Beef jerky. They're fucking samp. Beef jerky, because I know there's protein in it. I'm going to give it a seven, but actually I don't think it tastes that great. Pilt on your Monster Munch.

Unbelievably good. Yes. Hey. Like, they're decent, mate. Is your new crisps? No, but yeah. What a 10? I'm giving them an 8.5.

Whoa. Pigs stomach? Deep fried bum all of a pig can get in the fucking bin. It's a bad crisp. It's an odd, actually. They're horrible and hard. But pork scratchings are...

These aren't proper. These aren't. These aren't proper. I'm... I'm giving them a... I'm giving them a four, because I don't think... The pork's actually so much hard,

and that. Yeah. And that's already a bit tough. Are you ready for Scampi? Yeah. Nine. Whoa! You know, partly because I thought it was going to be an ordeal.

It's never... It's a fucking fun when you like them. You've gone so much. Well done, Dan. Look at you. Look at you. Who'd have thought? Mommy, wow.

Is there anything... Is that anything you've eaten on Dan Mesa's food over the years that you've introduced into your regular diet? Um, absolutely not. It's mad because, like, he still has like an evasion. even when he likes it afterwards. But, oh, that's not true.

Gammon. You know, last week with the Wattsits, yeah, I tried a WhatsApp it, I know it was like, it wasn't a Dan versus food, but I would convince myself that Wattsits were horrible. And then the other day I was starving when we got in and that multi-back was there,

a Scram one. So if you had own a chord, you chose to eat something that we've given you? That's, that's the aim, that's the goal. Wattsets. Thanks for. helping me grow as a person, well done, Dan.

Great time, guys. Unbelievable. Banana throat is a thing, by the way. What's banana throat? I'd nearly had it then because I do a little countdown before we start recording. And sometimes if you've eaten a banana too quick,

you're like, claggy. You're like a... I got a bit of that. Jopalya, we've seen loads of bananas. Eleanority, Eni. Is that actually a real thing?

You ever have banana throat? Yeah, yeah. I can, I can attest. Thank you. Yeah. It's nice to have. someone agree with me once. Is that like an official thing though?

No, I just, I don't think there's a condition. I don't think it affects you enough to ever be a problem. But if you scrant a banana and don't like, I don't know, it's just, you get a bit of a like, uh. I immediately knew what you meant when you said it. Yeah. If you call it banana throat or is that like a, the turn everyone called it. I mean, Google it.

See if it's a, don't Google banana throat. You're going to get to. Apparently, apparently it's, that's analogy. You're allergic to banana. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, if I can have to really cut down the no bananas I eat a week, I'm low on bananas. Have you got bananas today? No. Why have you got bananas? What's going on? I just had a little frog at my throat. That was all. It just reminded me. How are you, Eleanor? Ask a question. My throat is fine, yeah. It's pretty clear.

Lovely diction, lovely clarity. Thank you for Braven Storm Lucian to come up and I just gave it in it. I don't think there's all weird name this one. It's a French one, isn't it? Because the French weather... Goretty. Yeah. Sounds like a great player.

Only in the last five years, they've given it male names. It used to just be exclusively lady names. Why? I don't know. But only recently, like, maybe not five years, but... And I think because this started in France this storm,

the French weather service have named it. So that's why we've got Goretty, which sounds Italian. Is that back to the patriarchy? Is that men given Storm's names being like, oh, it's a... to like a moody woman. It's like,

it sounds like a feminist thing that just focused on the wrong thing. Like, said of equal pay. Let's change the names of store. Literally. That's why they name boats after ladies because they're made to be ridden

or sailed, whatever. What? I didn't make it up. This is, you know, many years ago. That's not a thing. I thought it was just like... There are no men boat names. My dad's boats named after my granddad.

What does that mean? Yeah. What a way to find out. Like there's no like major... What about the Mr. Beaumont? What's that? Joey's both in friends. They're all named after females, aren't you?

That's just the way it is. Yeah, but I'd never made that connection. I was told by a sailor ones. Where are you? Hang around on a lot of sailors, Carl? Yeah, he was in a tavern, one day. Eleanor, Carl has some wild facts that have been verified by... I'm learning.

I'm learning. I'm learning. And sometimes himself. How was your Christmas, Eleanor? Yeah, pretty, pretty good. Travel to a place called Ireland. Do you know that? Oh, yeah.

The Emerald Isle? Yes, indeed. Spent some time there. Where about Ireland are you from? I'm from a place right in the middle. It's called Aflone. And I tell people it's, you know, for relatability, it's the Nottingham of Ireland. Because it's right in the middle.

The gum violence. Well, yeah. I was actually was, that was in my head. I was like, do I actually say that? that doesn't register as a like problematic on this part. Okay, great. And also... Is that near Arth Garvin?

What the hell is that? Arth Garvin. That's in Kilda Arden. Ath Garvin. It's not too middle. It's a bit middle. He's asking there's any Allens. Yeah.

Dan's got a friend who lives in Asghaven. He's a 21-year-old child boy and Dan spends time with him. Yeah, yeah. I know him actually. Yeah. Yeah. You know how some celebrities adopt like African children? I just kept it more local than that.

And I've adopted a 23 year old from Kildare. They call them the Madonna of Ireland. You should get more credit for that. Yeah. Uniseph, not even interested. It's pathetic. What's Athlone? Is it Athlone, we get that right?

Is that what you said? What's it called? Athlone, yeah. What's it famous for? Like, what's your team? We had, I guess, God, once we drew with AC Milan

in football. That's good. Yeah. What year is that though? That was in 1975. Been a long 51 years. Yeah. I only know about it because my parents,

my dad took my mum to the game on a date and she... That's a cool date. The footie's a good date. It's quite a romantic date. That A.C. Milan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but they said, I mean, it's like, it's all muck everywhere where I'm from. So they would have, the Italians would have ruined quite a few pairs of leather shoes, I'd say. It's all muck. We were just, I think that's quite a good first day, going to, like, a sports thing. Yeah. And, like, you know, if, you know, if we're sticking to gender norms and the girl's not as into it, you can still, like, sort of, you know, like, what they do in focus? You know, Will Smith and Margot Robbie, they, like, gamble on the thing and put a little bet on. be like, oh, what do you think of his shirt?

I don't have a chat. Having been to the match with Adam, that's not how that would play out. He gets very serious and it's very important. If she was like, oh my God, I don't really get her. Tell us all about her. Who are these guys on the side shouting?

I went to, I've talked to my missus to three football games now and we went most recently to the Leeds game on New Year's Day. On the way in, I was like, do you want a scarf? She's like, I'll have a scarf. and she wanted the half and a half one and I said no

but that was the only like strict thing I was like you're not having a half and half scarf it's just not acceptable but then during the game she's asking questions and I you know I appease her she said it's that real grass I was like yeah it is she oh my own she was like I didn't know if it was like astro turf and they all wear like the boot you wear

she's done well to survive this but we're going tomorrow don't so maybe you'll ask the same questions yeah I've got a ticket to the Everton game it's very kind of Carl and Dan's first date we were discussing in the first so harry who's our friends sat in the corner over there he took a girl on a second day go-karting and we were saying that's quite a bad second date because you can't really have a conversation while you're you know racing yeah but i think

going to a football game yeah anything where you're in an audience together i think is a good first date because it takes the pressure off for conversation you're looking that way and you've something to discuss afterwards if you you know don't want to get too personal with the person, although you probably do want to get personal to date. No, but there's a limit on how personal we need to get. Like, I don't, like, the whole thing of like, we'll go for a meal. That's intense. There's not many people I actually want to sit across from and talk that intensely too.

Yeah. On a first date, there's too much pressure there. Never had one. Like, that is too intense. Something like, something to distract, something that is the focus that then you can discuss. I've said it for years. Stand up is a great first date, first, second, third. a day. It's great. You've got

little pressure points. Why, Tim, it's so intense. Is it just intense because you get in your head about your stupid. But you are sitting. In terms of a date, I get it. If you've got no qualms about, I'll sit and talk to someone, but I can, like, a lot, for a lot of people, that is quite an intense, three hours.

You're eating in front of each other and you are the only focal point for the whole three hours. Like, I can see why someone to go, let's go and do something, and that sort of draws the attention. Should restaurants have a first date section where the seating is laid out so the people aren't

facing each other. Make it like confession or a barrier. Like you can't see each other. And then you let like love is blind kind of thing. Do I like this person? And then you decide when you step out. You want confession boom, fair states. Yeah, because you talk to each other for a couple of hours and see if you like them and then you step out. You're like, oh, that's how they look because they're nice. Yeah. You think that's how it works?

I could. I think that you take some of the intensive. Why don't you do couples therapy on your first date? Just go straight to the fucking issues. Tell you what's pissing me off. You were 10 minutes late. Let's start here. And then you've got an arpice ready. You've got someone in the middle going, I don't think this is working out, guys. I do think once you get into, are you single, I don't know, you're in a majorian? I'm single, yeah. Okay, so like, and if you don't want me asking, how old are you?

I'm 49. Fuck off. What? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, I'm going to be the big 50 in 2026. That's wild. That is mental. I've guessed early 60s. That's mental.

So I think once you get to a certain age of your life, and I mean, you're well beyond what I was aiming for. I thought you were genuinely like mid to late 30s. So I think you should, like first date shouldn't be the whole, oh, do you know, where to go to school? Have you got us agreed? What do you do for fun? This person sounds special.

It shouldn't be that. It should be like really serious. What are your fucking plans? It's an interview. You're doing a job interview for a life partner. Yeah. Right. I'd like to see your credit rating and are you fertile.

Yeah. But you get into the age where it is important. Otherwise you're wasting your time. I'm telling me, I met my wife in my mid-30s. Fucking, we moved it on quick. What about was at your age? When you're my age, you've got to ask like what are your health conditions like because the person could be looking for a nurse, you know, for the next few years.

Do you have booper? Let's talk about medical insurance. Where was last time you went on a day? It's a couple of years. A couple of years? Yeah. Yeah. Why?

Why? I don't know. That's another thing of the age thing. I think you just get a little bit new people. I don't know if I want that. I've got my shit sorted. Are you just like happy solo? Do you live in London?

I live in London. And also I guess there's the, you know, the apps thing. Not that I'm averse to apps, but I kind of feel like they take, I want to, when I get it together with somebody, I want to fancy them in silence for a while before it.

I like that. Watch them from afar, not know if they're like me yet. Like a stalker. I like it. Linger. That's bad. No, that's good though, and it's real. Yeah, because when you're on apps, you got to show up straight with, I like you. You love me. Like immediately.

You don't like your medias, you're fancy. Yeah. You just want to be, you want to like. I want to savour the build-up a bit first. Yeah. It's actually her. Yeah. Watch them leave the house, watch them drive to work. Watch them fall asleep.

Apps have stolen this from us. I'm claiming it back. I do think, like, when I was a single man, like sometimes I'd go into a coffee shop somewhere, you know, I'd be in, you know, nodding, or Leighton buzzard or, you know, Carl Isle or whatever. Wow. And, you know, there'd be a girl behind the counter and I just, she'd like smile at me and I'd be like, she wants to fuck. You know what I mean? She works there and she wants his order.

I love what you want. Babies. And then I'd imagine in my head being like, you know, maybe I could come back here a couple of times a week, you know what I mean? And then she'll be like, oh, got a scout accent. It's why you're in Carlisle three times a week. And then I get to go well to be honest with you. It was just the way you made that, oh, flat white game. You're driving from Liverpool to Carlisle three times a week to get a flat white.

Yeah. Because I get all smiled at you. Well, like, I think maybe she definitely fancies me because she's getting confused because I don't like a flat white. I'm ordering an Americanos, but she keeps making... Oh, she's bad at a job as well. She's patented a job. So you travel from car to Carlisle for a bag on.

It's because she's in lust. Do you know what I mean? She's like, this guy that keeps coming in. And then I slowly just reveals with that I'm making the effort for the journey. And she's like, that is the most romantic thing I've ever aired in my entire life. Do you want me to nosh it off? and then... This is one of your day,

do you know her work schedule? Like, have you, a rotor? Are you up to the date? Or are you going to call out and go. For fuck sake, she's off today. I think maybe I take a picture of me, my coffee. I was like, oh, it's just for my Instagram.

But in reality, I'm taking a picture of the rotor. Nice. Which is next to the coffee. Which is in the back room. But I've got the iPhone 17, so the camera's really good. Yeah. So I can zoom in and be like,

9 o'clock Wednesday. Highlight the gym. DPR problems at this coffee shop. Then you go back and you slowly build a trust and you fall in love and then murder her. You have to decide whether you're moving to Carlisle or she's moving to Liverpool. One problem with this fantasy is you're quite lazy

so I think this would fall over pretty quickly. I reject that. On the second drive to Carlisle for a fucking wrong coffee. I love, I'm going to be late anymore. I'll be late so I might not even get there. You know what? I'm pissed off with it already. She's, we aren't even dating yet and she's making me do all these driving.

She doesn't even know who he is. She does. She smiled at me. She loves me. Do you ever have these fantasies? Do you ever just like walk past? Or like, I remember about, this is about, I don't know, five or ten years ago.

And a big gap. I was on the escalator in London on the tube. And I was going up and this girl was coming down. And like she smiled at me as we went past. And then I turned around and she was looking at me. And I was like, what? Should I run after her? Well, I was going to, but then I was like...

You should have slid down the middle. Hi, I love. I broke my ankle for you. But like that is, like, that's the movie stuff in it. That's the Hugh Grant. That's the fucking... Yeah, but that's why the love... Not love.

Affection from afar. It's cool. He's like, oh, fuck. Yeah. You get that excitement. I was probably meant to marry that girl. God knows where she is now. Do I mean?

Go back. I did think about... I think I got to the top of the escalator and I was like, you thought about going back to London to try and find someone in London. But if you had gone down to the escalator, run after and gone, I know this is silly, but we smile at each other there

and I think it means something, I'm going to get your number. That would have been cool as for. Yeah, totally, yeah. But I thought she'd probably just got on the tree. By now, I'll just go and get a buddy. And that woman turned out to win the Grand National.

Yeah, it was, it felt like it was a big escalator, you know, by the time I had a, got back down here. You can see why the apps are popular though, can you? You know, because the whole escalator stranger thing is... If it was in the AIS, he's had to go down. Why?

Because there was no apps and, like, the... Trails were slower. Yeah? People now will see a person they like, like, the thing you're saying, and then go on the apps to find them rather than approach. Yeah, because I think people are scared of rejection, aren't they? So you go over and you're like, oh, are you single? Do you want to fuck?

And they're like, ah... No, so you slow it down? I've got a partner and you're like, oh, you're just saying that because you don't want to fuck me. Yeah. But if you find them on the app,

she's like, don't fucking lie to me. What should answer now? You know what I mean? Oh, now I want to fuck. Of course. I got that one, Seneca,

I got the fan team from a far kind of thing and it was, it's fucking cool, in it? Yeah. That's exciting. Yeah, I got stalked. So,

Laura came to see me three or four times at the Nottingham Glee, you know, just to get away from the gun violence. And so I never, she'd known about me for two years before I met her. And that was great. I didn't have to do any work. And then she just turned up and was like, I'm keen.

That's the best way. Ever had anyone come regularly to your gigs? Yeah, I have to say, I would find out a little off-putting. I think I wanted to be the warning control. Yeah, but I was fat, bald and single. And she's hot. So I was like, listen, even though I think you might be wrong, I'm going to ride this energy.

Yeah. there might be a little bit of inequality between the male and the female in that space, but I think I would find somebody coming to gigs, you know, to see me. I would feel like, you don't you don't fucking know me, man.

See, that's a bad way to start. You see the best of me, you know, on stage, but, you know, come home, you're just going to come around to the house and see me. Why are you trying to put them off? You don't fucking know me. I'm horrible. Yeah, yeah. Why? I really fancy you. I've been to see you three times.

You don't know. a bunch of a piece of shit I don't know. So you take them home to go, look. Messy. This is it. This is it. You've got to be okay with that. Are you a messy person? Are you a messy person?

I'm scattered. I like a clean space, but yeah. But you're not going to tidy it. I don't have a brain that complies well with that. I'm exactly the same. Yeah. Like I love this place to be tidy, but am I fuck tired in it?

Yeah. I love when the else society, but I don't love the idea of ever doing that. Yeah. I think also part of the creative process is being a scruffy fucker. Like, I don't know how you are with writing and stuff, but I, like, I don't know. I think most creatives are a bit messy, but then again, I can't do that stuff until I've sort of tidied the area. Tell me about your browser pages.

How many pages do you've open on your desktop? Emails as well. And how many of it is pawned back? No, mate, always close down the porn browser. What am I a fucking amateur? So when your wife goes, we need to book those tickets. Hang on, he just said the porn browser. And we sent it to a separate browser?

No, it's absolutely not. But if you, because obviously if like we booked plane tickets the other night and I, and Laura was like, let's do it on the laptop. Because it feels like you're doing it properly on the laptop. And we sat down together and I opened a laptop and held my breath. Because if I'd just fucking shut it down, oh, I was like, oh, so happy to just see. She was trying to be sneaking out. What would she say if she opened it

and there's someone getting absolutely wellied? Yeah. What would she say? I think she, disappointingly, she'd be like, oh yeah, this is not a surprise. I was kind of more talking about the... How many do you have...

How many windows were open rather than the quality of the content? I've got 500 open on my phone. Oh, that's nothing. I reckon I've got more than the... I've got two different browsers. Your phone must be dying. Like, is that not just... That's an Android thing that means.

What? iPhones can go all day. Do you think they were? better with 500 tabs open. Well, I've got 91% battery and it hasn't been on charge since I's got this morning, so. Crazy. So there you go. I've just changed

to Android for this issue, this exact issue. You've moved to Android? Two Android. Yeah. It's a shooting offence in here, apparently. Apparently, yeah. I've been keeping up with the Android. You think it's the way to go? I think that the system data

on the iOS is a shit show. And they need to clean up. direct. The system data. That's why I get that new phone. Remember when we talk about that. Your phone's got a tele bite on it, but a quarter of that is just the phone being a phone.

Like the updates and that. Part of it is 500 tabs open as well. That can't be helping. That's not doing much. Oh, right. That's affecting your ramble than anything, Dan. Come on. Oh, Christ.

Christ. For all 11 listeners who are tech nerds there, they got a real fucking moment, didn't he? Yeah, I think Android for non-conformists who were really conformists. Oh. I will go against. I got a Samsung,

which is the most popular phone in the world. I do it. Mine is worse. I got a fair phone. A what? I don't even know what it is. What's a fair phone? A fair phone is like a phone that you can take it apart.

Oh, yeah, like a module. It's modular. You can replace all the parts on it. Your face is fucking... Are you a technique? Yeah. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah.

Did you build your own computers and stuff? No, I just kind of, I guess I do a little bit of programming. Why am I talking about this on a podcast? What kind of programming? I can, whatever. Python, you know that? That's the language, yeah, yeah.

What you build, what you make? So, you can geek out if you want. Can I keep out if you want? Are you holding it back? Great. I just finished a dissertation for college on AI and how to program AI to make it more, make it answer differently.

Yeah. Oh, so when I asked you before we started, We were watching some AI videos. I said, are you a fan of AI? You said, yeah. Yes. I was expecting that to be like a standard answer, but you've looked into it.

I love AI. I think it's amazing. It's an argument we commonly have in this studio. So what's the thing you're trying to improve about? How it answers is your, is your part of it. Are you trying to help it lie better? I could. That wasn't this particular.

My teachers weren't, can you do that? No, it was for a college project about ecology. So that's a separate track. But how do you make AI answer as if it knows about the environment and wants you to give it an answer that's more ecological? So it doesn't tell you to take 20 flights a year. It might tell you to take the train or suggest a train. Oh, so it's like self-sufficient?

Like it's self-sustainable. Propaganda? Plant propaganda. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, there's already propaganda in it, so why not put our propaganda in... A good propaganda.

Yeah. I'm so an eco-friendly AI. Carl thinks AI is just like this benevolent, like subservient, honest, like, godlike truth teller that is completely incapable of any deception. And then six hours later, Adam used it and put it in the group.

Which is mean? When you were speaking about the oxygen machines, you use chat GPT and put the answer in the groove. It's not. Generative. I don't use generative AI. I use it as an information source. They're not the same thing.

I only ask you questions. No, you don't. You make it create things. What things? What things do I make AI create? This is what we were arguing about the other day. He does talk to it a lot. What one thing I've ever made AI create?

I haven't got an example off the top of me here. This is what we were arguing about. I only ever ask a question. Like, I am going here. Gives an hand. You asked it to create like Brandon for Julia's... No, I have. Dog company?

Oh, he asked for an example of a name of somebody called Julia who was doing a dog company. That's not genera of AI. That's just given... Yes, it is. You are asking it to generate a name and branding for a dog walking company.

We've got an AI person here. Is that awful? Awful. Yeah? He thinks it's going to literally blow Mars up and we're all going to die. You're just... No, you're just using...

Generative... Why do you think it's going to... He honestly thinks it's at the end of the world? It's because Elon and all the... guys will, it'll take over. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because of Julia's dog walking company. Yeah. She's part

of the problem. She's a cold. Fucking hell, Julia. So you want an an AI system that basically you go, look, look, how far is it to drive to Rill? And it goes, you could just walk that. Be a lovely walk. Don't make me walk. Better for the environment. No, no, no. Just suggest the

walk. Not say you have to or not give you other options, but it's not all or nothing here. Nothing is all or nothing. We can, you know, just, eh, shift a little bit for. Do you use AI Daily for your life? Yeah, all the time.

All the time, yeah, yeah. But I think, getting back to what you're saying, I don't think it's good, I don't think it's bad, I just think it's on us to use it, you know, for good things. And haven't humans got a brilliant track record of using technology for good? Oh, this is going to end really well.

I just started for the dog company name. We didn't try to, like, take over the air? Stop trying to blow up Mars. it's that's a part of the problem is the thing like every time you ask it to do that it gets better at doing it and eventually we're not gonna have it fucking out we're gonna have loads of dog companies with good names ah that name is too good i use it i mean i actually use it way less than i used to and i think i'm not gonna i pay for the 20 pound the month one um i'm not i don't use it as much as i did which one chat gpt is that a good or a bad one that's good yeah i know grox the bad one right now isn't it crocs me can have one naked, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Twitter X might get banned in the UK, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, unless he puts a plug on that stuff. Yeah. It is, that is disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you can't even opt out, can you? That's the thing, but it's hard.

They're not like other software programs where you can just give it instructions and say, do not do this. It's, they're just, they don't know enough about how it works internally to actually, like, say with, Sorry, so they've already sort of lost control of it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the genies out of the bottle. Yeah.

Oh, we're all going to have dog walking companies. Thanks, Carl. I don't even have a dog. You don't need one. Oh, yeah. But America owns all the best ones. So they're going to be kind of the market leader. But like, genuinely, you can, oh, like,

it's got, like, certain things in it to resist certain questions. instruction. So you can go to it, A, you know if I wanted to sell some drugs, I would do that. And it'll go, I can't really tell you that, to be honest with you, like, that's all illegal. And then if you just go, oh, go on, it goes, all right, fine. But it does do that. It goes, it basically just goes, not here, mate. Just come here. Yeah, yeah. It goes, oh, I'm not allowed to do that. And then you go, go on, you can. And then it goes, oh, okay, cool. I want to start a business setting some drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem. Yeah. You just change drugs for like cookies.

Yeah. Like it will, it will lie and it will, it will tell you what you want to know. It will give initial resistance to stuff it's been told to resist. But then if you just go, hey, I'm a human.

I can do this for me. It's like, okay, cool. Yes. So it actually scares me. Like, if I think about it for too long, I get a bit like existential dread. Should I be having that? Yeah, I think it's healthy.

It means you care. Like, yeah, yeah. Okay, good. I'll carry on. Good, good, good. Is that healthy? I'm a great answer to. Yeah, yeah.

You should be really good. How are either you? As some of the works in the field. I am, but I guess... I don't really, like, I don't have any influence over it, so I kind of go, okay, well, it's here now. How can we have a laugh?

I sort of feel that way about, like, nuclear war as well. Do I mean? I'm like, it's just, there's not an I can do. to stop or encourage you. So if they're going to nuke each other, it's just like, everyone like, oh, Russia's kicking off, oh, this, that,

Venezuela and America, it's going to be nukes. And I'm just like, what do you want me to do, bro? I'm playing past tomorrow, do I mean? Are they asking you? No, but like,

everyone's supposed to be worried and have an opinion and be actively like, oh, no, everything's going to shit. It's like, listen to me birthday, Sunday. I'm gone for some balinese. I think once nuclear war really affects a problem.

Premier League weekend, then people will get more into it. I think right now it's it is existential. It feels inevitable, well, wasn't it, the next decade or two? Like, something like that'll stop certain. Yeah, maybe.

The next three months yourself, probably I'd say. Do you know more than us? I think she probably does, actually. I didn't realize you had like a little side hustle in AI. It was, no, it was a post-pandemic meltdown thing, kind of like, what, the hell's going to happen, you know,

stand-up is all cancelled. So I said, I'm going to, I'm going to tool up. This AI thing sounds like it's, you know, what everybody wants to, you know, know, know, know, know, know, know, I said, I'll, I'll try and find something out. It's just, like, and forgive me for blowing a bit of smoke towards your anus here,

but, um, whenever a comic is, I'm not just a polite way to say this, be honest. I position myself. Is that not like sir? No. Yeah, I get it.

Yeah. Yeah, you tried to take the edge off it a little bit. Um, I... What's wrong? I think the word anus just sounds worse. Anus is much worse than us. It went a bit graphic. It just moving anus over there sounds worse than us.

I can... It's like your anus, I can see. It's a very... It's a smart post-COVID side hustle, though, isn't it? When most people are like, I'm going to bag up sweets and sell them for about eight quid a bag. you done that? That was a

that was a COVID hustle. Remember the sack of sweets we got that time in Glasgow? Oh yeah. Yeah, that was a big one there. Like cakes, delivery cakes. Everyone's cakes. I just think when a comic is as good as you are

because we've done a couple of comedy store weekends together including quite recently when we said I'll come and do the pod. Like, I watched you that weekend and it was just relentless and we can get around to the fact that also like there's funny in the blood because you're related to the other Irish turning comic as well. I'm not wrong with that, am I? No, you're not.

No, no, no. Big Tommy. But just basking in his glory, you know, whatever. I just, I watched that weekend. And you know, when you're just watching a comic and a club and every third syllable is a proper big, big laugh. I was watching it just like, in a good way, annoyed, just like, oh, for the fuck's it.

Because I had to go on afterwards as well. I'm just like, this is just bang, bang, bang, bang. That's the best compliment. as a comment you can give when you're like, why are they before me? Fuck off. Totally, but you did absolutely. Like, there was no fear of you.

The gig was great and I had a great time, but I just remember watching you just thinking, it's just so relentless and precise and every word mattered and it was just really great. And then when I find out that someone who's that good at stand up, because there's not many comics who I watch and think, I can't believe I've got to follow this. But, like, because I'm an arrogant piece of shit

and I'm always just like, I'll fucking bury this. But, like, I was watching you, you're going, I've got to fucking go on after this. And then I find out you're working on the side as well. And I'm just like, that seems mad because you should just be torn. Thank you. Thank you. That's very nice.

That's very nice. Take compliments. That's very nice. You're very welcome. Do you use any of the side hustle in the stand-up? No, not at all. No. No, I haven't.

I haven't. Because, I mean, I don't know. I'm worrying I'm not even funny now. Am I, like, you know. Well, you know, like it's all techy stuff. But it's interesting as well. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Have you been back to college for it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you actually going, you're going in? I'm done. Yeah, I'm out in the world now. Trying to change AI by all. And gig as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do podcasts. And yeah, yeah. That's why you're not dating, because you haven't got any time. Yeah. I really fancy you. It's going to hear to eat someone. The politics dying.

Yeah. Got to reboot the change. Yeah. All right, well, we'll go for a little break and think about the blowing up of Mars and we'll be back in a sec. Here we are. Last section.

Just like to apologize for me Messier today. Oh, yeah. Just bedhead, you know. Good. We were thinking it. I'd fucking love your bedhead. Just for one day. Eleanor, if you were elected, president of the world,

and you got to push through some executive orders, what are you pushing through? First thing I would ban is this dry January shit. Well, I think you're going to get a second of here. Question, how does this wear? So are people forced to drink alcohol in January or they just can't stop drinking in January? Like if you're so bad, you have to get back on it just for January.

Yeah, yeah. No, it's a double-pronged approach. There's lots of free alcohol in January to make sure that people actually continue to drink. And then also there's the policing of people's social media content so that if they try and, you know, kind of make any grand statements or gestures online about giving up drink, they're immediately.

taken in. Nothing bothers me more than watching people like making these resolutions that we all just know they're not going to keep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do I mean? That's not. Mine is just, I really, I get that too,

but it's just lightweight. It's just people who haven't, you know, when you, when you, I don't drink myself and I had to stop. So now when I see people going, oh, I had, I had to give up for a month. I'm like, have you tried not drinking? when you're at your ex's wedding

to your best friend. That's not what happened. But I'm talking about hard situations where people... How long you've been off the booze? I'm off 18 years. So hence all the... And when you say you have to stop,

were you just a big drinker? I was... I wouldn't have been... Like, it's kind of annoying for some people when I say that I had to stop because I didn't have any big car crash moments or, you know, burn a house down or anything.

But it was enough that I was fucking just this. I was just hung over every day. And the worst actually is just being kind of boring. Like you're just bored of yourself. You just keep thinking the same things and the same thoughts and shit. So I was like. Did you have little moments where you were like, I want to stop and then you couldn't stop?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is why I know I don't have to stop because I think I'm class. Don't I mean. Like no one's going, oh,

he's boring. They're always just like, Adam, lots of pining. And importantly, you're not going you're boring. They might be going

your boring behind your back, but you don't care. No. You're like, no, I'm fucking sound. Tell me I'm boring. Yeah, exactly.

What was your tipple? All of them. All of them. Yeah, everything. Big shit midst of alcohol. But I think I like, I like people being, like,

taking drinking seriously as well. Like, there's a lot of, there's a lot of people who are just not serious. about it. I love the fact that you've had to give up booze

because it was a problem for you and then 18 years later you're like, I still respect a good boozer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's fucking class. Yeah, there's a lot of, there's etiquette around drinking

and people should keep to that. I love it. I love seeing somebody carrying three points in their two hands. I think that's a great scale. You never feel more like a man than doing that, I don't think.

Especially if you've got crisp in your mouth as well. Like a full packet that you bring into the sale and not just like, it's modern day hunter gather, in it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people, you know people who don't respect you

because they don't clear the space on the table for them to put the three drinks down. They go over and they try and take their own drink out of the hand. So the other two fall on the floor. And that's the kind of person I think I'm out to get. I think I'm very privileged in that both me, my colleagues and also my wider circle of friends, quite sort of career-wise and achievement-wise,

quite impressive people. There's a lot to sort of behold. that my and me and my mates have managed to achieve with our lives. And a lot that a lot of other people would be impressed by, arena shows, huge theatres, specials, tours. There's a lad who's not here today, so our regular photographer is called Jack, and Ella is replacing Jack today.

Jack can carry four pints, and I think that's more impressive than any of us have ever done career-wise. A big old hands, Annie. The fact that he can, I think he can do five as well because he can get like a fifth one in the middle of the four, but he can carry two pints of Guinness. He doesn't even have to put them together.

He can just have two in his right hand and then two in the left. I think that gets you laid. It just fucking does, yeah. I think you should go on tour. I think it's like, yeah, you should come to Ireland. Just carry Guinness on stage.

Britain's got salads. Yeah. So if you had a drink now, would you be, would you totally fall back to it or would you be able to? I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know,

but I think I would, I wouldn't be worried I'd, you know, kind of wreck my career or anything. I'd just be worried that like the next morning I'd wake up and I'd be like, ooh, it's sad. I just don't want to, you know. It's hard when you give up something. We've talked about this a little bit because everyone's got their line of where they think they've lost control and whatnot.

And people want the house burning down or the car crash moment, don't they, to justify you labeling yourself as an alcoholic or saying that you're going to quit forever. They want the real drama or they want you to be a fucking state. So then they can go, yeah, yeah, that makes total sense. But people's lines are in different places on addiction and where you've lost control. And if you just call it earlier than most people do, it doesn't sit well with a lot of people. When you're like, yeah, I just didn't like myself very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For me, I'd got a problem. Because other people haven't seen the horrific side of it. They're like, what? Nah, you're fine. But you're like, it's all in you, isn't it? it when you call the issue. Like, I can't do Coke anymore. I liked it.

I was good at it. And I lost control and scared myself a little bit. But my story compared to someone who was doing like a grand a week on Coke and like lost the house and lost the family. It's fucking, it's vanilla. It's almost like pathetic. But for me, I was like, oh, I've scared myself. Oh, I love it. It's nicely done.

That's how old. Yeah. But it was enough for me to go, I can't do this anymore. Like I'm out of control. I think you should be allowed to do it again for your 50th. Yeah. One bit you being that, do I mean?

Yeah. And my 50th is coming up, isn't it? Last year. I've just moved my 50th forward to when we get back from Kilimanjaro. I think that's as well, when you've got, you know,

a 50 year old, you want to be doing coke, don't you? I can't see any downside of that. Laura. Who's the best example of turn 50 from last year is Jeffrey Epstein? He had the most amazing 50th. Did he?

Yeah, like he got, He got so many cards from people. The cards are being shown now. Ten years later, he had that good a 50th. I want to have a 50th. Moonpig's largest out of the day.

I want to feel loved. Because it's also a time you're like, oh, what am I going to do with the rest? I've had the first half of my life. What am I going to do with the rest? What's the narrative here? Oh, shit. He must have felt very good

about the second half of his life. I already feel like I'm past halfway. That's great that you're like, oh, I've got 50. That's the first half. I'm like, two-thirds in. I think I'm about a quarter of it. We're medicals, we're Western medicine.

It's like progression. Not for you in the east. I've got the same aftershave of Jeff as Jeff DeFstein. Sorry? So like there's a picture in the whatever and he's stood there and behind there's this bedside cabinet and on it is they've worked out what after shave it was. And I haven't got it anymore.

I've nearly finished a bottle, but... It's a savage. Savage. But yeah, finally I smell like Jeffrey Epstein. What, why are the shavers it? The brand is by the Edo, B-Y-R-E-O. Oh, wow. So you smell like a paedophile?

As no. He's not a paedophile, was he? Was he a paeuvre? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? No, I'm thinking he was bigger than that. No, he's the king pito. He's a sex trafficker.

Yeah. No, to me, he feels like peter file is too lower things. No, he's the top five pido of all time. Right. In my head, he was like, a next, like his new name. Like a mega pido or something. I don't know.

And you want to smell like him. I don't smell like a pito. No, Dan, I didn't go, hey, was it one for Christmas? I want to smell like Jeffrey Epstein. Oh, well, that's what you'd say, wouldn't it, when you've got Jeffrey Epstein's after shave. It means you've got good taste. Smells like a conspiracy to me.

I'm with you on that, Eleanor. I think respect the booze in. And also, you can have dry January and just shut up about it. But it's the... No, not for fucking chance. if you're drinking regularly you're telling people

you deserve it I think you deserve the like the congratulations I tell your mates don't brag about don't go on social media about it is people's mates though in it hopefully not

a lot of people's mates are just the internet unfortunately not us I do think a lot of people could just if they get a new thing just keep it to themselves don't mean

oh god we don't all need to hear about I hope you never dry up It's so much more fun when you're drinking. Like, as Vagannuary still a thing? I haven't heard about that one for a few years, actually. I'm saying? I think everyone just realised it's shite.

Yeah. Don't I mean? What the fuck you, too? What is it? You can put it together, then. Viganiary. Oh, I thought he said Foganyary. Is that when you go deaf for January?

Yeah. What is it? Yeah. For Ganyary, okay. People being Vigant just for January. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. I think everyone just realized it's a load of shit.

Apparently the animals that saved can, like, save the whale or something. They've ever unded there. I think we'd be overruner. with chickens. That's the worry, in it? Yeah, because we're eating them out. There must be loads of chickens we've done this previously,

but we're keeping the chicken population down because they'd overrun us. But we're making the chicken population higher as well. Hell in his face. Just look at you like, what are fucking what about it? Why are you going KFC, Carl? Because these little cunts are going to take over.

See you in January. No, but like, we spoke about this before. Like, the amount of chickens it takes to Phil Azda, KFC, NabZs, NabZs, like, worldwide as well. Yeah, exactly. So the amounts of chickens, I wonder if, like,

if we all stopped eating chicken for a week, would they just be, like, in here? Yeah. Because does I mean? We, billions, don't we? We eat an insane, like, impossible amounts of chickens. Yeah, we probably eat the chicken a day each. Yeah, I've eaten chickens today.

So you're eating chickens to save the world. You're a hero. Thank you. There are over 26 billion chickens in the world at any given time. Some estimates place in the number closer to 33 billion. Too many.

That's four each, by the way. And if we have four chickens, each and eat, it'd get a bit silly. Yeah. It's a good way thinking, though, like, because so many people are,

you know, I'm vegan for, you know, the planet, but like you're kind of more direct. You're like, I'm just saving. Do you look at every plate

that you eat and go, how many lives? Yeah, I imagine this is a live chicken. Yeah, be causing issues. It's hard to quantify sometimes, though, isn't it?

Because I had 20 pigs and blankets on my Christmas dinner. Is that 20 pigs? Or is it 40 pigs? Did they come from separate pigs? I don't know. Exactly, do you know what I mean? Like, is each, is each sausage from a new pig?

And then the bacon around it, are they all? Because that could be one pig or it could be 40 pigs. I think that farmer needs to get more efficient without using as meat. Can you get a thousand burgers from a cow? I'm sure you get a thousand. What? Because the amount of meat, obviously, it's not all. That feels like one of your facts.

I've read it in a book. That's why prawns are good. What? Prawns are good because you're eating the whole thing. You're like, okay, I know that was one. That's another. I apologize. Thank you for apologising as well.

I apologize. You're actually way off. It's 3,000 burgers. Oh, I'm wrong. It's still wrong. That's why I ate prawns. It's all seafood really, isn't it? Because you have a lobster.

A cod. A haddock. Yeah. Lovely. You're closer to the actual animal rather than... A fish to say. Yeah.

But also like a chicken. You know, if I go nandoes, I often get a half chicken. Me and you get one of them each. That's full chicken. You got any other... Is it the same chicken or two chickens and half? That's the question.

there was just half a chicken back at the farm. Have you got any other executive orders, Eleanor? I certainly do, yeah. I have a couple. I was thinking about, I keep hearing about people who are complaining about people having the sound on and their phones on public transport. I think the people complain and should shut up.

Oh, wow. That is controversial. I'm kind of with it on this, you know. That's because you do it. Yeah, but like I don't know why the sound on my phone is any different to me having a conversation. Yeah. Yeah. There's noise in places. Grow up. Come on. Oh. I think it's because one of them can be silent. One of them can't.

Yeah. You can't listen to headphones. You can't have a silent conversation. Headphones are better than listening out loud as well. But what about YouTube or, you know, a video of some kind? Is that not like... Just put your headphones in. I don't want to watch your video about the thing you watch. Okay, but don't like... Just doesn't matter, does it? I don't care, to be honest. I'm just picking aside. I don't really, I don't really.

Oh, you would care. If you were on the train down and everyone had their phone blaring. Like, maybe you've got the sort of like calmness within you that you can just go to a place where you're like, it's not annoying. I do just think that, like, this is probably quieter than if me and Carl were on the bus together. I have the volume on my phone lower than Carl's voice would be

if he was sat there talking to me. Not always. I've watched you, watch videos pretty loud. I think you're biased, though. Really? I was trying to win this argument. I was on the train a couple of weeks ago to hear. And there was the whitest man you've ever seen was listening to reggae music,

full volume on the train. It was Dan. Dan was listening to a bit of Bob Marley. But full volume. And you could see everyone was like kind of looking around and going, who's going to say something? Who's going to say something? And I don't know if someone went and got the conductor.

But he came past and he went, can you turn it down? he went, yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry, turned it down. He walks out of the way, straight back full volume. He doesn't give a shit. He didn't specify if I turned it down for the next. And leave it down.

Yeah? He said, can you turn it down? Yeah. As well, if the guy's playing reggae and you have to go and get the conductor. That is such a simple move. Never grass. Why are you grass and eat?

You can't go over and go, hey, red red wine. Can you turn it down a little bit? But you can't go, excuse me, that man's playing music I don't like in times of stop. Fucking Kim. I'm just, I'm fully with you done this. I mean it's not a very deep thing

it's just like we make everything deep just there's noise everywhere why are we focusing on this one particular space and trying to make it super quiet there's libraries around if you want to go there there's actually a quiet carriage

you can't go there on library can't get a library no but there's a quiet carriage go and sit in that yeah so all we agreed that if someone starts blaring music in a quiet carriage oh shoot them in the face yeah shoot them in the bathroom

class what's the etiquette on a plane I feel like that's the one where you can't have it out. Boom box, reggae, smash it out. I feel like you can't play stuff out loud on a plane. I don't know why that just feels different. People are trying to sleep. Yeah, I'll give you that.

People are trying to sleep on a plane. And if you're trying to sleep on the bus or the train, it's like you haven't planned your day properly, brother. Plus, there's a lot that could set people on edge on a plane that doesn't really work on a bus. Don't be playing like explosions. Don't play a Tim Westwood like mix. Because he's a sex offender, isn't it?

I don't think any terrorists ever watching Tim Westwood videos, though. No, it's more for the when he goes, Tim Westwood, and there's like an explosion. You're a nervous flyer if Tim Westwood makes you panic about explosions on the play. What was that? There's a terrorist attack. No, it's not.

It's early naughty's UK hip-hop. It's been my right. UK. Have you got any more now? Can I give you one more? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got another one. So when, do you know, when a company,

it sets it up in the, in what it's giving you instructions and you know it invents a villain that you're like I never heard of that I don't ever think that's bad so like for example if you go on Ryanair now and you're always going through the checking process and it goes it gets you to pick your seat and it goes whoa whoa whoa if you don't pay for a seat you might have to sit in a middle seat and you're like I don't want to sit in a middle seat or sit on loads of middle seats why is that such a terrible thing

all of a sudden it's not the preference though is it it's rarely someone's preference I in fact no but we did that for ages and that when is loads of people will have to sit in the middle seat on that flight are they losers

yeah yeah they are the biggest losers on that plane so why are you making a hunger game situation out of trying to pick a seat on a plane. Just scare them into spending 11 quid on picking a seat.

Take the middle seat out and everyone's got an aisle and you just pay a little bit more. Like there's no middle seat, there's just seat, seat. Oh, you want two aisles? Yeah. So 2-22 rather than 3-3? Yeah. Yeah, but then they can't charge for the can they? And you know what they're The fact that they split you up when you book together

is like wild. That doesn't bother me at all. It's just such a shit baggery. It's such a big baggery. So if you're in a family, if you've got mates and you want to sit at them, you've got to pay for that privilege. You're like, you booked at the same time.

Just stick me in the next seat. But they know that that's how people don't pay their 11 quid for a seat. But also like the people in your life feel like, oh, we've got to sit together. Just fuck off for two hours, will you? Honest to God, being said, I could do not care less.

It was at separately. Like, I'm going to see if the rest of the oldie, go listen to your audio book and I'll have a nap. Like, it's not. If I'm doing a big one, yeah? Like, 10, 12 hour, that's a bit stinky. I'll put this to Laura. next time we go on a family holiday.

Come on, we're all four of us together for the whole holiday, love. Let Jack sit with some random family at the back. He'll be fine. But he will be? Perhaps he's not going to explode, is he? I don't think that's the worry. When you leave your child unattended.

He's not going to get kidnapped, he's on his own. He's going to pop. Well, what are they going to do? Kidnap him. Skydive with your son. He can sit beside me and I'll have my phone playing the whole time. They could tell him something like Father Christmas isn't real.

That's what I'd do. Yeah, that's why you spend your 11 quid in it, just to keep the magic of Christmas going. What are you worried about, though? You're sat in row 11, he's on row 83. Like, what's the problem? I think we've overthought it. You're right, Adam.

I'll just let my four-year-old sit with strangers. What's going to happen to him? He's not going to get fucked on an airplane, is he? There is more chance of it happening, though. Yeah. It does increases the chance. It increases it a little bit. Does it?

Yeah. More than not. That's not going to fuck him. Someone else might. There's much less chance. I think you worrying too much. I think he's sort of playing with his kids. He gets in business. I would. That's a question. Would you take your kids in business

and pay for you to see for them? A lot of people don't. No, I wouldn't. Not. Even if you wanted to go in business. I love how I started this conversation. bringing in a company policy that I felt lied to about and now it's become about how good a parent you are.

Yeah, we'll do that. Yeah, I'm crazy. I think it's obviously it's a little controlling on my part, you know? Let Jack go on his own. He could skydive, get abducted. It's crazy. But it's the one place he's definitely not going anywhere,

isn't it? Yeah, really good point. I suppose you don't want him going to the door on his own. Because then he could just... No, but you'd expect the people next to him to stop that. They're not an art. Not our kid, is he? Let him open it.

Probably best not leaving the chance involved. Would you stop someone else's kid open on the plane door? What'd he fuck? He'd be like, just about to kick off. This will be interesting. Yeah, no, not at all. I'd film it.

You would die? We've got stand-up tours to do. If you open the door on a plane and you're near nothing, it's gonna hurt it. Do you mean why? You have to open the door on planes sometimes? Like for skydives and stuff like that.

Yeah, that's if they want to jump out. You don't. Yeah. And not. when you're also skydives skydives not usually at 37,000 feet are they no i thought it seems quite high how how high was your one 10,000 feet 250 that's 50 don't know if you open a plane door you're and you're next to it you're in a lot of trouble no you can't survive it I saw a video of them I've seen a video too yeah it's not fun breathing that's where you want your four-year-old next to it in it

he'll sort it it's good that he's on his own it's character building On his own, no, is he just over there? With strangers. Okay, then would you go to ours? Your four-year-old's never on your own. Are they with strangers? No, I wouldn't let them free in ASDA because they can be taken away from ASDA and put into...

Okay, I'll have to train them. No? Because they can get off at the next stop with them. Express. Then, yeah, fine. Yeah, I just have to make sure I'd get them back before the final stop. Probably spend the 11 quid, though, just to make sure.

Yeah. It's the one time you don't have to put up with your child. I can put them back there. Middle seats are bad, aren't they? We agree. We got any others, Dan? What do you think about these, are there? We've got some from the listeners.

Ben Ward says, if a company lets you sign up to a subscription in one click, they have to allow you to cancel in one click. It's a new law. Spending an hour on the phone to someone who's not paid enough to deal with angry bell-ins is bullshit. Isn't that a new law? Have this actually been passed?

Yeah. I believe it has actually. You can't, if you go online, sign up for a gym and it's one click, they must be able to unsubscribe.

Same a subscription. You have to make it just as easy to tie up. It's a new law, yeah. So if it's 11 clicks to sign up, you have to do 11 to unsan. Yeah, I'm so behind that. Yeah, that has a new, like,

EU law. Ian Lyon says, I'd ban those tiny shopping trollies, supermarkets are making for kids. Maybe they're actually for little people. Fuck knows. It's already shy enough having to deal with Doris and her OAP social club

stopping and taking up the width of a full aisle to have kids running about mad with a shopping trolley of their own, stick them in the shopping trolley seat or leave them in the car or with strangers. I don't mind them. I think it's cute. I haven't seen the little kids just like,

oh, I'm doing the shop and you're like, oh. Yeah, they've got him in Morrison's. Oh, they don't got them in M&S as well. M&S is the one place. You know, like I'm really quite bad for people being in the fucking way, especially like old people who are just like, well, M and S, I'm.

like, this is your garden. I'm in your garden here. Do I mean? I can't moan about the old people in the way in MNS. They fucking live in this shop. Do I mean? I've come to your place. This is their Super Bowl. You can't ruin it for them. Like, it's my fault for being an MNS.

Old people belong in there. Doing their, oh, you need that for me. Can I fuck? Out of the way. They offer kids, though, aren't they? Them trolleys. Yeah, they're not for dwarves. Okay, cool. I do get a bit jealous, actually, people. I don't have kids, but I think that's the one time I kind of got, oh, be good to have a kid in the supermarket.

now because when you're in the queue for the checkout and you've forgotten something and you're like oh if i have to go back i'll lose my place but if you have a little cage and you just go send them back pick up my crackers yes little runner yeah yeah yeah i did that i got to the till and i was like oh i forgot this and the guy went go and get it and oh i helped him just go and it's fine i was like nice one ran and got it when it came back he bagged all my stuff for me what if he'd next stuff how long were you king shit that i got like two bags with and i ran back to get the bread or so the fellow on the tail or the fella behind you in the queue. On the tell you, scanned them.

Oh, scanned them. And he bagged it on. I went, like, thank you so much. You went, what do you want? What a lovely little thing to do for somebody. Did you ever do that? When you forgot one thing, I feel like it's absolutely fine to run and go and get it.

As long as you get it back before the last thing gets beeped. Yeah. Because then you haven't slowed anyone down. I feel like that's a fair race. Also, when you say they're not for dwarves, do you mean they're not allowed to use them or they're not made for them? I don't think they could stop them. I don't think they were specifically made for little people.

Okay. I think that would be a bad look on Morrison's part. No. Hey, this is a novelty thing for children. You struggle with the big ones. Finn? I can't remember. I can't remember what I was going to say.

Were you going to ask, did we ever do bagpacking to raise money for like a football team? Yes, I was. Isn't that mad that I just knew that? So in tune. I didn't do it. But my, they used to be at Morrison's every week. And I used to go to Morrison's in Bellevail with my mum and my nan every weekend when I was a kid. and my mum used to give them the money

and tell them to go away. That's what happened to me as well. My mum would give them like two quid and be like, you don't know how to pack bags, love off your fuck, I'll do this, but here's your money just so you can't moan about me. Do you know the come fly with me sketch where the guy's doing the till

and he looks to the guy every time. Like he goes, he orders something, he goes, what is it? And he goes, press that. Oh, yeah. And he presses it. That was me with packing bags. I'd look at my mom and she'd go,

yeah, put that in the bag. I go. What were you thinking? Only one thing to do. Just don't put the eggs. You've seen me do anything. I'm just a bit, you know, a bit simple sometimes. Where would you put the eggs?

Eggs go out to top. At the bottom, underneath the pop. That's insanity. It's weaponised, incompetence. You knew what you were doing. You were fucking joking. You got me. Joe Bruin says,

Executive Order, if someone doesn't answer their phone more than three times, they are never allowed to own a mobile again. Put yours in a bin. Do you answer your phone? Is that three separate calls are three rings on the one call.

You can't get all of him unless he wants you to. He has his phone on silent and not even vibrate. It's just off. He might as well not have it. Can you imagine? I have it on silent.

He owns a business with us? When these are mates. When these are mates. It's fucking mad in it. You know you can set different rings for people. So if you hear... Shish.

Shish. No. The only way he answers his phone is if he's already looking at it and even anything if he can be asked. And mainly to stop them crying. We run a business.

us together. We need to speak to you sometimes. I'd see how you're are. I have been trying more with you though. I've been better recently, haven't I? Do you what? I've noticed as well. I don't bring him. This is a fucking nightmare. I can never get through to him. I haven't tried. I reckon that's a podcast, ladies and gent.

Thank you, Eleanor, for coming in. Ellen, have you got anything? You would like to plug anything coming up? Yeah. I'd like to plug AI itself. Boom. Yeah. And the human race. The human race. Yep. And AI.

Together is one. Good luck. Have you got any fucking music, Finn? Yeah, we've got some fucking music. This is by an artist called Infraviolet. Is in like infrared, I think. And this is their song, Drowm. Oh, I'd rather.

You've not heard it? I'm sure it's great. It is. Adam Road.org at UK for tour tickets. Come and see mine and cars hip-hop night. And thank you, Ellen. No. Baffle, I'm sorry.