Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #368 with Dan Tiernan - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: February 16, 2026

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comDan & Carl's Hip-Hop Night || https://www.skiddle.com/e/41781901Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukDan Tiernan's Tour: https://dantiernan.co.ukAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's new EP: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/AllInYourMindThanks to this week's sponsors:Heights | https://heights.com/haveawordEnter code HAVEAWORD20 at checkout for 20% off your first month!Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everyone. Welcome to this week's episode of the Haverwood podcast. Yes. Me and Carl have got to announce our hip-hop night is on the 14th March, Saturday the 14th March at Kitchen Street in Liverpool. We're both into hip-hop. Yes. We love doing these music nights.

Yeah, we're both on a DJ and so it's going to be a Dan Nightingale set, a Carl Regler set, and an Ishan Acheon Achevah set. So if you love rap and hip-hop and you enjoy the Haver word music nights, Adam's Country Days are amazing. I've done a dance night. The karaoke parties have been brilliant. This might never happen again. So get your tickets.

The link is in the description. And it's on Patreon. Dan and Carl's hip-hop night, 40 a week of March. There'll be a little hippody-hop belter. 6pm till 10pm. So if you're old, you can just go to bed. And if you're young, you can go out afterwards. And while you're here, sign up for our Patreon.

Patreon.com slash have a word pod. We are the biggest patron in the UK for a reason. an extra episode every week, early access to the public episodes, and all of our specials, and my God, there's a few. Every minute of every we've ever made is accessible the second you sign up. If you sign up for a little of three pound,

you can watch every we've ever done. It's the best deal in comedy, I think. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy the episode, cos. Because it was a bloody belter. Wag-waglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool

with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn, this is the one and only. Have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN. The very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed. Get on me. And we are podcasting. Hello.

You're not well, are you? Not a hundred percent. What have you got? Face AIDS. It's a bit of flu? I think it's a cold. I think it's a cold. Shut up then.

Yeah. Fimbrose it's up to be versed. Flu's debilitating, isn't it? Flues, you're not getting out of bed. Yeah. People love being fanies about like a cold and go, oh, I've got flu. No, you've not. You're here.

So I wanted to not be. But then I'm like, it's a really fun job and I don't want to let you down. Yeah, it would have been a lockdown if you hadn't turned off. I've got a cold. He was not acceptable. Yeah. Got a whirl cold.

Yeah. So I'm not. 100%, but, you know, it's a great team. You got any commitments this week? Yeah. Other than this? Yeah, gig every night for the next three nights from tomorrow. So that's good, isn't it?

Where are you going? I am doing new bits at Teddy's, and then I accidentally said I'd do Alexander's in Chester, and then we've got the CCC on Saturday for Valentine's with Isha and Akbar closing. So loads of commitments. Cheered out for Valentine's. Yeah, but I mean, that's all within 45 minutes drive of your house.

Oh, that's how I like gigs these days, Adam. Unless I'm on tour or doing Dan and friends, I like it local. Yeah. What's happening on Saturday? My mum's coming to the CCC. Well, I mean, I can't do two date nights, can I? So I bring both my bitches to my game. Laura and Poirot Tits.

Yeah, we tried Valentine's date night last year. Haven't you been together 10 years? Kept it off. We've been together 12, married 10 in April May. But you've only tried it last year? We only tried it. That was our first ever Valentine's night out. Well, you go for a meal and then just go home.

Took her for a curry. Yeah. And she went, oh, that was nice. I was like, were you bothered about Valentine's? She was like, not really. So we're not doing that again. I'd rather work. I mean, like, you've got to respond to your misses.

I can't force her to be romantic. Yeah, but a lot's changed. A lot has changed. A lot has changed. Then you don't have to be asked. Nah. What am I going to do like, God, you're a fucking disgrace. It's my night.

as well. Maybe she wasn't that what you do. That's what you do. That's what you do. Is men hoping that women aren't asked about stuff

that some women had asked. Oh, but when they're asked and you haven't clocked that they're asked, oh, it's Mother's Day 20, 23, all over again, in it?

This is my Super Bowl. Right. Which she had told me, but you know, and we're never going to forget Mother's Day again. But this year, the old, the fucking,

whoever decides Easter and Mother's Day and all that bollocks of put the Illuminati have put the Illuminati or Clinton's cards. I don't know.

Bill Clinton's cards. Bill Clinton's cards. Peter. Children. It's the moon, isn't it? It's the moon. Anyway,

they've put it on my birthday. They've put it on my birthday. Your birthday is to Sunday? Mother's Sunday. This year has been moved to the 15th of March. My birthday. And official ruling

from her indoors. My birthday Trump's Mother's Day. Yes. Of course it does. Or does it? No, it does. Or is it?

Trixie, Trixie. Just 69. Yeah. 69, isn't it? Oh, your birthday on Mother's Day. She gets motted out, you get sucked off.

There you go. That's literally what she said. She was like, as long as you get sucked off and I get motted out. Mother and muff day? It's like Christmas again, it's both your days?

Yeah. It's none of our days. By the way, there is never a more appropriate day to 69 than when it's your birthday and Mother's Day at the same time. Never, ever, ever.

As long as you're married and that mother is the mother of your kids. Yeah. That goes without saying, Carl. Yeah, that's, of course. Oh, 100%. If that doesn't enter my head, Carl,

I'd never think about that, just because you want to fuck you on. It's Mother's Day, 69. Come on, bum. Me back hurt. Never mind. It's both our days. Like, follow up question.

Can someone pick my kids up at about 7 a.m. And look after them for a while? Because you cannot 69 with the kids in their house. 15 to March. I'm running the pill off, man of him.

And that sounds like an excuse, but actually am. You're in Liverpool, I'm you'll be hung over them. Yeah. You're going to, wake up in Liverpool, aren't you? I am going to wake up in Liverpool.

You're right. So the kids can just fuck off, Gandhi. Oh, well, that's how it works. If you wake up in Liverpool, the kids can fuck off. What do you want to do? I'm coming back. I'll be, listen, checkout's 11. I'll be back at 11.45.

The kid's better have fucked off. Is she going bottom or I'm going top? No, I go bottom. 69, you usually. What? You're not on top. What? Have you never done an aggressive 69?

I have done one like that before, and it... You're on top? I feel like... you feel really self-conscious. Just because it can be done, doesn't mean it should be done. You're right with it in. You're basically a plug.

Yeah. You're going to mean. Wow. You've got to have a safe word or a safe sound. It just isn't going to do it, is it? I'm not fucking 69 and Freddie Quinn. Someone has to. No, they don't.

So is Laura not going to the hip-hop night? Can you not wake up in the morning in a half? Hotel and 69. SEDIC it is, Sereke, somebody have uploaded. Well, I can't Serake. No. That came out the wrong order.

I can't Sereka. I've gone, 69, Seneca. Um, she has decided Laura Catherine Nightingale. Really? That she does... Catherine, yeah. Kate.

Yeah, with a K. My mum's second middle name was Catherine. I don't know what to do with that. Your mum had two middle names. Like me? Because she got confirmed. I've got two middle names. Oh.

She was a cat. Catholic. Good. A Catholic fucking lady, Catholic. You've got two middle names? Yeah. So does,

yeah. Have you not? His is David. Do you never get confirmed? David's there. No, too. Yeah, the same.

Because it was full of Gims. And people who wanted new watchers. But I didn't like watchers back then. Will Huchby's got seven middle names. Yeah. Seneca's got three. My mother had none.

What a fucking miserable move? I've got no. I've got no legal middle names. Yeah. You've seen that football and who's got a few middle names. For the QPR team. Yeah.

I've got no legal middle name on many of my documents. What was going on in the 50s there? They were like, nah, let's just not bother. 50s. No age from home and dad too old. So there's a footballer. I'll apologise in person. There's a footballer known as Charlie Oatway.

Sort of like Otway, but with an A before the T. I get it. Charlie Oatway. But his name's not Charlie, that's a nickname. His parents were huge fans of QPR, and they named them after the entire team from the year he was born. So his name is that.

So his name is Anthony Philip, David, Teddy, Frank, Donald, Stanley, Jerry, Gordon, Stephen, James, Charlie, Oatway. And he's called Charlie because his auntie said with all those names he'd look like a right Charlie. Classic old school banter. Get up from that one, whatever your name is. Yeah, I've got no, but it'll do. That's excessive.

So Laura's not coming to the hip-hop night. I've got, my mum game, when I was a kid. And he lost it. But it's not on me, uh, I don't think it's not on my passport. That's like a legal document. This is how stupid I am. In my head,

I nearly went, yeah, you'd have it to say Dan. Because for years, that was your middle name on Facebook. Yeah. You haven't got a legal middle name. On my passport and drama lessons and stuff.

Oh, no, it's not. Have you never, like, had like a casual one? Yeah, Michael.

Like, that's what it, I don't know. What's a casual middle name? Literally what I've got? Because I don't know what's on my birth certificate. It must be, but then I've not registered

that with my legal document. I don't know. Why don't you get one by Depot? Give yourself a much way out. Yeah, not Michael. Why don't you start going by Mickey? Mickey Regler. Me? Yeah? Could people be a bit confused, wouldn't me?

Why? Why is that? I might have the middle lane, Michael. I don't know. Mickey Regler, man. No one's going to question it. No, I'd have a cooler. Carl, Michael Zidane, Sensei, Colin Regler. I think Mickey Regler's a fucking class name. You've just been Mickey Regler. Nah, cool, like Cliff is up and.

Swing and a cliff Cliffs is sick name Do you know what My step No one you want to do My stepdad's Dad's Dad's gardener's called Cliff

And he fucks How do you know Because I've seen him at parties And he like just mootches about And that Shagin What's they fuck to me He's got

What's Cliff do He's not attractive misses Cliffs Cliffs play snooker in my head I don't know why But Cliff I associated with Snooker. The only one I think of is Richard.

I can't think of... Every clip's got like a bad comb over in my head. Do I mean? It's an age, you know? Don't give me something else. Give me a cooler middle name. Mickey? I thought, what, Mickey?

Why? Because I've got Michael. Leonard? Dwayne. Leonard's cool. Leonard? Leonard. That's my granddad.

Lenny. Was it? Yeah. Yeah. Dway. Sharples. Dwayne. Dwayne.

Dwayne. Dwayne. See, in our school, a Lenny was a big cock. Yeah. And that's because... Had it had a big cock. I think it was just length, wasn't it? I don't think it was anything to do with Mice and Men.

It was? No, I think you've made it up in your head. No, I have not. Go on. That's what it is, though. Go on, go for it. This is not a very nice thing, but like it is a fact that this is why it was called that in Cardinalian.

I know what you're going to say? There was like a sort of, you know, Lenny from of Mice and Men? Yeah. Because he was a big, like, gentle, friendly giant. Well, he was disrescent. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, disabled. There was sort of like a,

there was sort of a, a steady. that people like that are big cocks? I don't think you're far up here. He fucked the rabbit to death. Yeah? What fucking of Mice and Men after Dark were you reading? He's sticky-dicking it? No, we didn't.

No, we didn't. He squeezed it with special discreet. I've never read it. That's a disgrace that. By the way, Carl, no one's read it because they wanted to. They just got forced to at school, didn't they? It's fucking classed. Yeah, it's good.

It's not a classer. It's not one's 20 books ever. Stey, mate. Don't spoil it. Stime, Beth. Yeah. Haley. Don't spoil it.

George blows his head off at the end. That's horrendous that. What are you doing, man? He kills someone's wife, Kali's wife, and at the end, George is like, I need to put this man out of his misery.

What are you doing? Put a luga to the back of his head. There is no spoiler. What are we talked in an early and men's spoilers? American literature. Yeah, there is. I'm not saying it.

Oh, don't fucking root to kill a mockingbird. No, you bet not. Yeah, that's all we did in. Yesy. Back at the head of the mok and bird, bam, kills it. To kill a cock and bird. He puts a lugo.

To kill a moch and bird, yesty. So don't, ruin it. Yeah? Is it one of them books you're going to pretend to read on business? No. On business.

I'm on a plane. I've got a book. I won't read that. I'll get blattered. This isn't even about birds. It's a fucking joke. Is it not about burns? Well, that's not really the main theme of it.

Well, I'll let you know. There's a woman involved. I'd stop it. That's a really, that's a really, that's a really light way of brushing over that. There's a woman involved. Does she get fucking, shut up, don't. But if you haven't read the mice and men,

I've just spoiled her. Soz, mate. Also, the end of breaking bad. Sorry. Oh, no, no, come on. I've got a bleep that. No, come on.

Oh, we talk. You can't do early 20th century American literature. He's a ghost, by the way. He is a ghost. Not real. I think that's allowed, but the first one's protected. You're not allowed to... Yeah.

Bad that. Because people watch things at different times now. Yeah. Pack it in. Pack it up. Fuck it in. There was a meme for ages about people crying about spoilers. Stop saying it.

I'm going to bleeping every time. Speaking of big cocks, by the way. Have you seen what they've been doing at the Olympics? Yeah. Yeah, the skiers have been injecting acid into their cocks. Yeah. To have big wangs. It makes it more aerodynamic.

Yeah. Is it LSD? So they've been injecting, they've been injecting acid into the cucks. What acid? When they get their suits measured, because it gets measured by like the regulation board, so that their suits are bigger because they've got massive wangs.

And then that means they have more drags, so then they have more lift when they take off. So they've been like flying more because they've got big cocks. That's like, can I, I want to know what this acid is. Assid is. And if there's a lot.

link for Amazon. A pump or a wank? That's, I think, I think they test for pumps and wanks, but they don't test for acid or something. They test them you've had a wank? Well, I think, I don't know. I think if you're wanking in the face of the board that's measuring up and soon.

Who found this out? German newspaper build. Oh, they do. Hyleronic acid. Isn't that what you're using your face? That's my cellar water. I swear hyaluric acid is the, the thing that, like, keeps your skin tight.

Right. But yeah. Is it illegal? No. How would that come to you out? It's not, it's not abandoned sport, but it can be used to increase penis circumference by one or two centimeters. But it's been given some of them zombie cock. Like they've got rotting cocks now.

So is it worth it? The cocks are rotting. The cocks are rotting. It can't be against the rules though. It's your cock, in it? Well, there's no precedent either. Maybe it will be against the rules, but no one went just in case. People get zombie cocked like that in the room.

Yeah, but injecting things usually for competitive sport is is usually flagged up in it. It's a surprise that... Yeah, but like, what's the advantage? I know, but they do bloods and stuff, don't they? They're like, we've got loads of... The hyaluronic acid's just made by the skin anyway. Yeah, you're like...

So you just like, I've got a really, like... Yeah, but Tesla stone's also made by your bollocks. You can't inject that? I mean, could you inject that other things, like milk or something? Would you be allowed to compete in the Olympics? Oh, absolutely not. I am. Oh, you sarder would be all over me.

He is... He is... As piss as like fucking bright green, is it not? No, that's not how that works at all. I am on a multi-vitamin stacker that makes it bright yellow, but... Thank you, heights.

Would you be banned from Olympic competition? Yeah, I'm on... I'm on testosterone, and I'm doing three peptides. I'm so illegal. I'm so illegal. You can't fight legally. You know, which is lucky for the UFC. Or physically.

Because I reckon, what? Can we put you in the... Just gone on the end? just gone under 75 KG, so I think I'm probably still a heavyweight. What am I in the UFC? They're not aware. 5 foot 7 to 3 quarters. 75 kilograms would be 11 stone 13.

165 pounds. Am I middle weight? Bang on. Just middleweight. Yeah. Watch out. Who's the best in the UFC middleweight? J.D.M.

Oh, yeah. Watch out J.D.M. J. J.D. Vans. Who the fuck is that? Jacktelling and Mother Liner. Oh, yeah. We can all make up.

One minute. Jackie Nelson Mandela. Islam, you're going to fight the whole of Islam. He'd have to... Get me up for it. Get me a flag. Depends if he cuts or not.

Oh yeah, would you cut down? I'm already cutting. I can't cut anymore. Right, okay. I just did a massive protein poo this morning. Probably dropped me into Bantamwick. Well to wait. I can't, yeah, watch out.

Would you compete in the enhanced games? I mean, I could try and get in. But it would be a sad... It'd be a sad day when I enhanced myself and then was still shit. You know what I mean? That's the problem, isn't it? What would you compete in though? You never know.

Pool? The enhanced winter games. Enhanced pool. Snowball fighting? Snowball fighting. You've been watching a lot of Winter Olympics. Why is that not in the Winter Olympics? Fucking nailed on that should be a fucking Winter Olympic sport.

How'd you win? They should do like archery, but with snowballs. Yeah, man. A moving target. Yeah. Two lads starting on you. Fucking elf them. They do shoot on skis, don't they?

Like, Jay Bond. That is so. curdle by the way. Yeah? They want the kids to get involved. Nonsing up with your special little rifle

standing dead still and being like what about snowball Olympic sport? This feels like a stupid question but are like the snowy countries the best of the Winter Olympics? Norway basically go a

Yeah, Belize not had a lot of not had a lot of medals. Norway just teabagged everyone every year. Yeah. Italy, France, Germany Austria the scandals. Currently in the lead.

Norway. By a distance. By some way. Then Germany. Sweden, Switzerland, USA, Austria. Apparently Britain's doing shit. We've not got a medal yet. Iceland's never got a medal. And it's got ice on the name. Yeah, but... But they did that to confuse people, didn't they? They called Iceland, Iceland, Iceland and Greenland and Greenland's got ice on

and Iceland's got green on. They did it so the people invaded the wrong place to get minerals and there wasn't on there. But they went to Iceland on, in it? So that's why they've never won a few medal. There's only about 14 people there and they just look at the Milky Way. They've got like three people in the team because I saw the opening

the opening thing and there's just like Oh shit, yeah, sorry they are. Guinea-Bissau flying though. India also sent three people. Israel sent three and they got booed. Lard. Rightfully or wrongfully. Well done for bringing that up, done.

I'd say rightfully. I mean, I said rightfully. Yeah, but it was like three girls who do figure skating a little bit on the nose. But yeah, Norway. basically go. Oh my God, can you not even say Israel anymore?

Is that the, is that at the point? All right. Ben and Ban. Fucking out. Fucking out, then. Oh, God,

you said the word. Jimmy! Dan, you get put in prison just for being in English now as well. You know, the fucking nightmare. Because it's a half-lag. Epstein's in Israel.

Maybe you could do in the Winter Olympics. He is. Yeah. That's his disguise. I've seen that picture, man. It's like iron. Yeah.

Does AI works really well on Carla. Carl just fucking loves it. Loves a bit of AI. So hang on. You're not doing anything for Valentine's. It's a great trackback. Brilliant track back.

It's good podcasting. Because I'm full of Lemsitt, so I don't forget on where we were. And we're not doing anything for Valentine's, and I'm going out with Da Boys. After the hip-hop night, we're going to have a little few boozy-boosies.

I'm going to try really hard because I've not been drinking, so I'm going to have a little run-up to it, and I'm going to try my best. Laura decided, because she's basically quit drinking now. Really? She's down to like one or two drinks.

She doesn't enjoy it. Again. She's one or two drinks are morning. She kind of get the morning, right, actually. She has a bath so it hits harder. Two gins and a bath. You know, she cries a lot, but my God,

she fucking loves starting a fight. Have you ever gotten a bath when you're blathered? Yeah, it's super dangerous. I've never done it. Seneca did it like last year. She came home drunk. Like, okay drunk. And then she got in the bath

and then came out as drunk as I've ever seen it. to the point where I thought she was drinking in the bath. It would be like having another four drinks in the bath. Some people do have like a bottle of wine in the bath, don't think? No, but if you go in hammered, you can... It's bad. Yeah, people drown. Same a drugs.

I think this is just people like, listen to that Whitney Houston story and should fucking run on with it. No, it's people trying to have a bath with the hammered. It's really... Are you not getting lost a gift, no? No, it's not about the gift. It's about the fact that we don't have to spend Valentine's like.

No, well, hang on. Hang on. What? What? It's a different month. We're talking about my birthday or Valentine's. Valentine's. Oh, sorry.

Oh, sorry. I thought we were still talking about the After the hip-night at my birthday, Mothering Sunday. No, a little gift? Well, I wasn't planning to, should I? Yeah. We say this every year, though. Even if it's just a gesture.

But then she's not bothered every year. So like. Yeah, but just some flowers. She's not bothered by what you get like. Yeah, I get some flowers. I do flowers quite regularly. Get out of cockering. I put on you.

Oh, my. to put it on with her ass and get on one knee I've already got cock rings Get a big, a bear cock ring The ones that we've got to really work You can't for Valentine's They go here's that old cockering

We've used loads Wipe it down Get on one knee Would you cock out with the ring Got it and go yeah I love Half-Dash What she loves You can get edible ones

Get one of them She'd go nowhere near it Had onion rings What's her favourite flavour though Onion Onion What's the onion On your ring's on your cock

Get on one knee I tell you what though Yesterday morning and it made me think of you, Adam. A long time ago, you said, hey, you're not getting all the pumpum that you want, but maybe you're too available. Yeah?

Yeah. Because it's all, I'm always like, I'm like, I see where this is going. You did not. You did not. Yesterday morning, I felt rough, and like the cold really hit, I was feeling bedraggled.

And she didn't realize that I was coming into work. So she was like, can we go to B&Q? I was like, oh, we know what that means? There wasn't a euphemism. It was literally being Q. So we went to be in Q to get some fucking faf that she wanted. Bowman and quefe. And she was like, she was like,

do you mind if we go and have a look at lighting? I was like, darling, I've got to get into work this morning. She was cocked. I'm sorry, I didn't even realize. We could have got into bed and had a little cuddle, which is code for sex. And I was like, oh, no. She was like, I didn't realize you're in work.

I'm so sorry, darling. I've completely missed that. We should have just got in bed instead of coming to B&Q. and I said, do you know what? I said, I don't even fancy it this morning. And it was like I'd said, hey, you big fatty, I don't even fancy you anymore and this marriage is a lie.

Is that what you said? I didn't say that. It's like I'd said that. She was horrified that I basically showed no inclination to making a love. So it actually didn't make her want you more. Oh, it made her want me so much more. She genuinely questioned whether we were still a couple.

by the time I got in after work after we'd had all our meetings she was like, is everything all right? And then she was like, I'm coming to see her tonight when we're after the kids were just like, got me late. You were absolutely spot on. You know the next?

Taking off a mid-fuck. Wow. Turn in the middle. I don't feel like that anymore. Or she's sucking you off and then you're just like, eh. Nah. No.

Just be like, you've had enough. Don't fancy it. No, it's not really about her, is it? It's not about taking it of it. It's me going, you know what? I know you've been gnoshing me off for two minutes but yeah I'll just leave it bored now

I want to watch the weakest link go on put to get long I'll tell it's the weakest link I've saved it 30pm he's got them all saved so you think I have the control

to be having sex and then go how much you want to have sex if you want to have sex with your wife you have to stop fucking your wife in the middle of having sex with her you're not listening wow

you've re put your soul down do you think anyone here has the physical control to put this into action because I've never tried it but I can't see it going well I could do it oh brother

once the horses are a canteran you can't surely you can put a horse down I mean I think you've taken the analogy too far the big tent and he's back in the head

bulk up you're getting George and Lenny'd what you mean if they were not put for me And why didn't you're in B&Q? Because shower sex is a thing, isn't it? They've got showers there. You could have went and tried a bit of public sex.

Right. So you've taken the story of me saying, I'm not up for sex and gone, are you in B&Q should have fucked her in a shower. Right. No, I didn't fancy it. I didn't fancy any form of sex or getting thrown out and banned from B&Q

and getting a coming out. You banned from that being Q. I think that's all B&Q. Would you have accepted a blow job? Genuine, I just didn't. I just wasn't feeling it. Just didn't have it in you. I just wasn't.

That's what I was like on the mountain, to be fair. People kept off and you blow up. Steve's such a good team player. So is this your new tactic now? Because I think that could backfire as well. It worked a fucking tree. Yeah, but you can't do it all the time because then she'll just think you don't want sex.

So every time I really want sex, I just have to be like, no, I'm not into it. Yeah, I think it. Constantly not be into her. Yeah. What, just leave. I tell you what? Every time you're looking to just go,

imagine, and then just walk away. Right. She'll be back. What's he mean? That is such a wild move, isn't it? After 12 years together, 10 years, I'm going to start, like, using the game. You?

No, thank you. If your sister was here, maybe. It's really nigger. Like to kill a mockingbird. From the back. From the buck. From the book. But it works.

It fucking works, boys. And it worked last night. Are you doing anything from Valentine's? First Valentine's living together. We're going to watch Wuthering Heights. Oh, it's meant to be sexy. Like old Robbie. Yeah.

Jack and below. Anything like, because we went to, we went to watch Baby Girl. Two sexy people. Like last year, as a kinky film and it wasn't... It wasn't sexy. It wasn't sexy enough

so I'm opening this is like a... Just because he's a bit older. It just wants to be a kitten. I don't think this is like full on set. I think this is like lust. No, exactly. There's a lot of lust involved. It's the absence of it.

On the highlands of Scotland. That's what it is, isn't it? Some two pints for you get her. I mean, so what other than heights. Gars. I'll show you later. I need to make myself a bit sexy. Honestly, watching a two-pints reference, not war,

to that extent is really satisfied. Yes. But we got the shot, we got a shower together the day. And I was being more sexy or? And I was, I was being more sexy. And I got no, wait, you got a shower together or you got in, like, we got a shower together, I don't, like,

but we were being a bit sexy and then I nearly fell in the shower and it killed the mood. Shocker! And she went, I imagined you, she went, do you reckon that glass would have caught you? And I went, no, I reckon I would have been, like, gone through it. And she was like, no, that would have given me the ick, I think. What if you'd have died?

If I'd taken a fall, I think it would have been pretty bad, like. Yeah. I think if your missus has to catch you because you've had a slip in the shower, it's, it's ickville in it. Get your fucking pants back on. She's getting used to it a little bit, do I mean? Did you knock the shampoo over? All right, all the time, like, the...

And he dropped the soap. I said that to her. I was like, thanks for not bumming me against my will. What? Because I bent down for the, the conditioners on the floor because it doesn't, I keep on knocking it off the rack that we have,

so I keep the conditioner on the floor, because she doesn't really condition her air. You're the lot of the same she had a strap on on, though? So I bent down. I bent down, she could have easily, like, stuck a finger. Not all dropping of soap means you get bummed. I mean, Ellie would have to really be...

Yeah, yeah. None of your house. I know she's from Buttel, but that'd be like, fucking respect prison rules. What time of day is it? We're one in the afternoon. Hey, we two.

Sexy lunchtime shower. That's just us. It's a post-lunch time shower, isn't it? That's just us all the time. Like, we've had our sandwiches. Come on. Come on. Let's wash all the crumbs off.

Harry's got mustard everywhere. We're in a good routine now. She makes me porridge in the morning. Then we go in the shower. Do you, hang on. Are you having shower sex after every meal? No, that was sweet your bodage. That's one of the least sexy things I've ever.

by the way. We don't show together. Every day. Make me porridge. I'm going up and get up here. And this isn't a convenience thing. This isn't like you're running late. You're having a shower on purpose.

Because that is like a fallacy that it's nice. It's always horrible. You always stood there freezing. No, no. It's good on holiday. Yeah, when it's warm. Because the flat. No, the showers are always better.

They're always like big. Because it's a bigger shower cubicle. I think rich people have showers where it's like easy to have sexy time. but in the one I'm imagining, are you sure she's getting in to do sexy time or was she just like, is she basically getting in to make sure

you don't break your neck in the shower? Harry, is she in there when you get in? She was in there and I went, can I come in? The answer was no. She went, oh yeah, come in. But I kind of knew that, like, we'd just been back to the gym or whatever.

Yeah, and not, oh, yeah. It was kind of for convenience, kind of like, ooh, a bit of a cuddle. We're both naked in the shower. Were you a wreck? A cuddle. You're always erecting the shower, aren't you? What?

No, I'm never erecting the shower. Because the water hits you... Yeah? If I'm in the shower with Ellie, like... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you get an erection every shower? No.

Come on. Are you a skier? Well, it's... Because the water hits it. What do you mean? The water hits it? Because the water hits it? That's not an automatic correction.

So if a footy hits it, Do you get home? Hang on. Have you got in the pool? Have you got an erection? No, because, no, no,

no, it's the pressure of the water. It's not like... Oh, how? How? How? How?

That's your job? Hang it off the ceiling. Woo! I think if, I mean, I was... We were in the car in, in Tanzania,

going over some bumpy roads. I was erect every car chain. Yeah, that's, that's normal. Yeah. Yeah. Like... Well, I had to stop the film at one point.

We were like, let's go out and I was like... I was like, lads, I'm... Trouty was like, so you'll get out of the van, and you get to have a five minute deflate. Just tuck it into your waistband and grow up? Yeah? What do you mean? Like, upwards?

Yeah. No, downwards where your waistband is by your knees. I never understand that, because then me bell and it just be poking out the top of my waistband. And then you're caught. Yeah. Stop wearing your top with your top. Your stomach out. Yeah. Stop wearing crop tops with a bone. Don't do it.

Your top. Cool, is he? But also, no, with my top's touching my bell ends and then I'll comb or something. I think You're the maddest kid, I know, you know. I think there's people out there that'll go absolutely, like absolutely. No, there is.

Also, the act of doing that, you're making it go down, it just goes to stay erect. Also, I've got a little, I'm not like flat bellied. So I like, wipe myself off with my belly essentially, won't I?

No, how big's your dick? How horny are you, Harry, that just your belly and your belt touching your dick is gonna make your gym. You talk it into the waistband of your underwear. And then it goes away. No.

Yeah. I do it down the, down the leg. That's worse, especially if you wearing shorts. Yeah, but I'm not really a shorts wearer. In Tanzania. I mean, to be fair, in Tanzania, I wash my way. I think Harry made the right decision. Just take two minutes and let it go down.

Because if he just misjudged it, you know, he's a bit dyspractic and got his dick in the wrong place. He's just going to walk out and get his dick out in Tanzania. Yeah. I reject this. We don't know I'm dyspractic. We do. We just, you have been hypothesizing. Harry, we've spent two years.

you. We know you are. I got called a plodder outside. You're a plodder. Sick, that was, diving, catching everything. No, stand up and walk. You fucking ruined it with a little... I've just got to be focusing. It's just... That's on me. I brought that up, to be fair,

because I hadn't noticed it until we walk a lot of places, showing off. But I've noticed recently that for every step I take, you take about three, and they are, loud, but they're not all the same.

You also, if I'm not... Sorry. If I'm not focusing... But now I will. If I'm not focusing... See us. I'm a... I'm... Like, because the steps are like different distances. Do you know what I mean? Like, I kind of catch up with me feet sometimes. Sorry, sorry. Hang on. Whoa. Just hang on.

I don't think I can walk properly. But you're not dispassity. So I... Joe your phone or tell you your gate. When your iPhones in your pocket on health, it tells you how long... your footsteps are on which side what he's saying is

he has just different ones he's not walking like like this he's doing jazz walking yeah like jazz walking yeah he's doing 45,000 steps a day which is good well I learned to walk on my tiptoes well like I just growing up

I just walked on my tip toes doing ballet yeah well my I don't that's an autism thing yeah well I brought this up because my uncle thought I was gay no it's autism but it yeah it's it probably is

no it is so they Have you ever seen they're walking in tiptoes? It's a sensory thing. So whilst I was like light-footed. The walls do it as well to look bigger as well.

Yeah. And they look gay or autistic. Not always. But they can be. They can be all three. Triple threat. The Holy Trinity. But yeah, my sister

used to have a go at me because we'd walk to school and I'd push her into the road. Why would you do that? Because I was not intentionally but I'd like walk. I'd just be walking on a lean. You walk on an angle now.

I'd walk in italics, yeah. do you do that. Yeah, you're dyspraxic, honey. I don't, like, now the more you've said it, when I'm driving, sometimes I'm worried that if I ever get pulled over and people think I'm drunk, I'm going to fail the test. They don't do that here, do they? Do they not?

No. We're walking a straight line thing and touch your nose. No, that's in American films. I don't even think they do it in America. They just shoot you. Big breath, Elijah. Josh Dykes, who we work with, who does the sound, he is dyspractic, and he said,

you're way more dyspractic than him. he said it's just waist down I think yours is waist up and down my brain yeah it's what it starts um not wrong with it either if the spoxick at all right

whenever we do this with Harry it gets to a point when I just feel bad and we're like oh but we love you yeah everyone's like get a test but I don't get what a piece of paper

that says I'm one key does there's a free online assessment Harry yeah but again he's well into his 20s what's the advantage huh what

what is the point you might get a blue parking badge yeah I reckon I always I reckon I can qualify for like a sunflower land yard if I want it anyway. No, everyone does think. No, but like with the epilepsy, I can probably like swing. Have you seen they've took ADHD off at Hurt and Towers? So what is the advantage of getting that line yard?

I don't forget ever should have been, should it? Yeah, because kids and lads are getting all agitated out there. Yeah, everyone gets agitated in a line. It's because it's the easiest one to fake, isn't it? You can just go, I've got ADHD. And then they go, oh, yeah, go on, you can skip the cue. And I think everyone was doing that. What's the main one now, then?

Huh? What's the main one? Wheelchairs. Wheelchairs, that's right. Yeah, that will get you on Rita quicker. That's my grandson. Who's it? Rita Queen of Speed?

No. I wanted to do it. She wasn't a bright woman. Was she not? She was a... Rita. you know what I mean. I don't get it.

Car way. What am I doing there? Good luck. Keep it on your toes like Harry. Okay, let's have a break. Could I have the gavel please, Harry? You've got it. Oh, did you put it back?

I didn't give him the gavel. It was a part-time. Adam, could you take the gavel? We are going to do some confessions. Ooh. No one asks me what I'm doing for Valentine's Day by the way No one asked me either Yes, isn't it?

I'm in Paris, watch a blossom. I'm in London. No one asked me either. Does you know what your mum is? Gicking. If you've got a confession sent in to have a word pod at gmail.com. As ever, these are all. Anonymous. Confession. See if they deserve Jermaine penance. Confession. I once lied to my parents about having a uni interview in Leeds to get them off my back about applying. They insisted on coming with me. So to keep face, we made the two hour drive. And as they waited in a pub, I walked into Leeds Trinity building and asked for directions to a train station and then walked around Leeds for an hour whilst my parents waited for me. I met up with them, had lunch, and then we drove back two hours. Do I deserve?

Penance. Nope. No. I think your parents probably just deserve petrol money. No, fuck them. I just think if your parents

are this sort of on you to the point where you have to, you know, what? It's just such a lot of effort to not apply to a union. Yeah, but if you have to go to that length, then your parents must be a pair

of fucking moody old cunch, you know what I mean? They really want you to do. to go to uni and... Yeah, but if you went... I've got an interview and they insist they come. Be like, well, why? Yeah, but... It doesn't sound like he needs to get there

any other way. He's probably 17 and he... Oh, listen, Mom and Dad, there's a train ticket? He's a train, name. Buy me a train ticket? Have you... Have you thought about what you'd do? Like, you know, if, like, Jack turns out to be dead bright, like, he's a little genius.

He's a little fucking... What? Turns out. Would you know now? He's four. Yeah, but you'd be... be able to see the, you know, the shoots of a bright boy. You ever walk in on them doing equations or anything?

Yeah, that's what it was. I thought he was just doodling on the windows, but he's actually doing the Goodwill hunting equation. Yeah, he's looking, like, every parent thinks their kid's bright. But if he was, like, dead bright. He keeps not wiping his ass to the point where his bum-all's sore, so I don't know if he's a fucking genius. He's doing a goodwill hunting equation, then you haven't got a time.

Stephen Hawkins can wipe his ass. Did you ass get sore from not wiping? I thought it would get so from overwiping. I think if you unwipe or don't wipe enough, it will get a little bit red. Unwipe, but more shit. You're pumping up, you're not going to Harvard. And that's when you know he's not going to Harvard.

I bet unwiping down more puddin. If you finished wiping, I've run out of shit. Own wiping. Oh, unwip your bump. Right, so if he turns out to be a full bum wiper. Like proper... He's a spotless asshole. He's got a spotless asshole.

He's just dead clever. Straight A's, A stars in a couple of subjects, like the ones he's really asked about. Are they ones now? No, isn't it? The higher, the better? I don't know. They've changed it all around.

Straight eight then? Did you see you A's or you ones? Sorry, I was the first, so I did both. I was the first year. So I had A's in like... Just tell us what it is, Harry? So it's up to eight is an A star, but then you can get a nine.

So I got a nine in English literature. Which is a zero. Which is a... So a double star? It's the top 3% in the country. Nine's a star now. Right. But an eight is also an a, it's like kind of.

Oh, there's nine, eight and seven a star and a. Oh shit. He's all nines. Would you be pushed him into uni? Do I mean? He's dead bright. If he's getting A stars across the board. Yeah, but he's just like, I don't want to do it, man.

It's just to be a spark. Yeah. I want to be an electrician or an artist. He just does. He just, he just, wants to work on site with his mate Chucky. Yeah, well, let's say his mate's like, I'm going to Spark School and he's like, I'm coming

with you, Brob. Right. Rob. It's Brian, but I'll be in place with someone. Yeah. He's super bright, but he's not good with first names. What's your name again? Rob. My heart is itchy. Have you got any shit that I can unwhite my ass with? You like Jobin?

Are you good at maths? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on, Jobin? How'd you like these apples? They're bananas, Chuck. It's shit. His own shit. You like, Bob. Stop smearing shit on the window

of this coffee shop. He's going to uni him. Me and Brob. Nah, he's watched... He's watched Italian. He's like, I don't want to go to uni. It looks full of gimp.

I want to be a spark. He's like... He's like... That's what he's got from Port Patrol and Bluey. I want to fix plugs, Dad. I'm paint. I think it's maybe a waste of your academic talent. So...

Brob the builder. Brab the builder. No, but like, you can be like a good... electrician like the one who does like the Eiffel Tower. Is that a thing? There's got to be a good electrician. My man, it sparkles. Is that like the peak of electricians?

In my head, yeah? Or like the Beige Khalifa? Yeah, if you got talking to the film, and he's like, I'm an electrician, you were like, oh, what? Have you done it? Like, no other than I was. It's not what you said to an engine?

Any big jobs of normal? And he's like, yeah, I did the Eiffel Tower, rewire. You'd be like, like... Respect? Yeah, you'd be like, fuck off. I mean, if he was just like, I did a subway by ours,

you'd be like, oh, fuck off. On you go So he says, Dad, I've just finished Paul Patrol, I'm Bluey He's 18, man away again. Can I smell shit? You've never learnt.

Would you push him in to uni? Well, I just don't know if Birch-Khalifa Sparky's going to be an option. Or if he wants to be like a rapper or something. Right. So it's either... I've got a dream, Dan. It's either Parisian or Middle Eastern Sparky,

rapper or Leeds Trinity University, is it? That was the choice for someone sometime. That's goodwill. Yeah? Why can't he rap in his spare time? Why can't he spark in his spare time? He could do both.

He's a bright kid. Well, let's roll play. Dad, I want to be a rapper. I'm not going to uni. I know. I've got straight A's and that. I'm the brightest kid of all time. They're saying generational talent

when it comes to numbers and words and science and that. You sound it. What's your rap? I'm generational. I just, I just, I, don't want to waste four years in my life at uni when I could put that all into bars, man.

Ask him for a freestyle. What's your rapper name? Ask him his name. Ask him his name. We're all here together. Oh, where his uncle's. Oh, yeah.

Jackie boy. Your uncles are here. What's your name? What's your name? You're you? I'm not, I'm his uncle from the north. No, your uncle, Carl. Okay.

What's your rapper name, Jack? MC Jack Knighting girl. Well, you have to work on that one. You have to work on that long posters aren't that big, mate. Let's bring it down to one word. You're trying to apply for credit cards with your rapping name. Also, it's Mr. Jack Nightingale. Just have one word.

He's dyslexic. Just Nightingale. Nightingale? Nightingale. The Nighthawk. Nice. Jack, the Nighthawk. No, no.

Just go with Nighter. The rapper. Jack, the Nighterke, Nightingale, the rapper. Loads of rap names that will have been taken up by then. so you have got a niche with full name including the

little rapper little rapper little rapper here we go he's got it he's got her little rapper little rapper little rapper

just to make sure people get it right wow like it sounds like you've got it all planned out son have you been doing

any recording or writing I've been writing bars for years man mad man dad safe

Steve Steve's come up with a fucking class name. Jack the rapper. Names. People might get him confused with the well-known rapist then. No, murderer. Who?

Jack the Ripper. What? Wasn't a well-known rapist? He wasn't a well-known rapist at all, was he? Wasn't he fuck on them before he killed them? No, he might have done some raping, but he's known for the murder. He's outside of it. I think you're adding a whole new layer to Jack the Ripper. It was a side hustle. Yeah. Like, Jordan isn't known for his baseball.

I thought Rippin was like... Oh, no, that was him, like, chopping him up. I think you've, yeah. Okay. I thought he did rapes as well. There's a hip-hop night. I think there's a Victorian murder on the bill. Isn't it?

This is very confusing. Right. Jack the rapper. Steve, that's class, by the way. Give us to you a mic. Yeah, good luck, son. You know, I think you should fuck off. Yeah. Yeah, because it's, what is it, 80 grand of debt?

Yeah. I'll give you 80 grand. You put it into your rapping, son. Yeah. Get you a deal, oh. Plus, S is doing molecular science anyway, isn't she? No, she's fucking not. Is she?

Wow. That is a shock. She's cured gout. That is a shock. Molecular science and gout. There's a bar. He's rapping already. All the jobs are going to be taken by AI then.

So it is going to be like sparks and stuff you've practically got to do. And wrapping. That's gout cures. You can't. Yeah. Yeah. AI can't do cure gout. I bet it can.

But are you going to be out of the house quite a lot with the rapping? Because I really want a 69 your mum load. Yeah, man. I mean, I'll be in the studio, man. Oh, you could turn your garden office into a little home studio for Jack the rapper. That's, fuck off. That's my gym now. Yeah, good looks, son.

Really good mustache as well. It's great that you've got over the ginger thing. It was a worry. Danny, you're not pushing them at all he? Sorry, I'll push it. No, you need to go to uni. fucking fat little twat. Tell me what to do,

lad, I'll rap about you. Oh, no. My dad's a gimp won't let me do me rapping in there. Wants me to go to school.

I'm not having that. That's... Yeah. That and that. He's... I think he needs to be a sparky. Bitch, yeah.

I think he's good because he revolutionized a podcast game. I just think he's a gimp and fucking all kinds of lame. Literally. Mm.

Nearly. With a bit of... I mean nearly. Lame and game, rhyme. Yeah, it was the stumbling over the words. I didn't know. I'm a stumble rapper. It's MC, Jack, the Ripper, the rapper, the rapper.

Jack, the rapper rapper. The stumble rapper. Next one. I was driving home from work recently and got stuck by an van der in 58 and a 70 mile an hour. The drive was refusing to move over just matching the speed of an Eddie Stobobobobob. truck on an A road. On the back of the van, there was company details, so I decided to call

the number. I could tell it was the driver based on the loudspeaker noise instantly. I briefly pretended to be a customer and then said something like, I'd hire you if you knew how to drive, you useless cunt now move over. Suddenly, I heard what I assume was his daughter in the front seat. Do I deserve penance? Or was I just giving his daughter an early update that a dad's a twat? First of all, it's absolutely not, first of all, it's absolutely valid to call that number when someone's driving like a cunt. It's bothering me more and more and more that people can't drive and going slow in an overtaken lane

and blocking the road. What lane are they in yet? Because if there's an Eddie Storbarz on the right knee's behind it, they both need to fuck off. No, he's next to the Eddie Stobarts. The only Stowe's. Yeah. Oh, he's blocking. Two lane A road, he said, didn't he? Absolutely a load of bollocks. And if if he's in a work van with a work

number for both inquiries and complaints are on the back thing and he's then got his daughter with an earshot of that phone call in the car. on him. No penance at all here. Yeah? Drive as a cunt and his daughters are knobbed. I would love to be in a conversation with someone I was having a little

road war with. That'd be so cool. Can I just throw it out there? I think all phone numbers should be on the back of cars. Let's not just make it tradies. I'll write yours on yours later for you. Oh, thank you. I think that would be a nice little accountability measure. Just

every time you're driving, you can just have someone give you the shit and you can do it back. It's fucking great. You'd find out pretty quickly if you're an annoying driver and you get to cunt off the people who are bell ends on the road. Next one.

It's been really amusing what's stopped this podcast dead and it's tracked three times today. It's quite innocuous stuff as well. Everyone like, nope, not running with it. Anonymous, hi lads. I have a confession which I'm feeling particularly guilty about.

I had a late night gym session and thought I would have a shower afterwards. After removing my clothes and pointing the key from my padlock my wash bag, I proceeded to put the washbag into my locker and lock it without realizing I'd done it. Feeling greatly embarrassed, what? I pulled on the padlock for a good 10 minutes, hoping to avoid the embarrassment of having people walk in and see I'd done this and not wanting to cause damage, but I couldn't do it. I had no keys, phone or anything to use except my towel

that I had on. In the end, I had to rip the locker door off its hinges so I could get my stuff whilst trying to keep my towel from falling revealing my pasty ass to the empty but freezing locker room. Do I deserve penance? Should I try to explain what happened to the gym? I feel immensely guilty about causing this damage to a family-owned gym and don't know where I stand.

Isn't every gym family-owned? Isn't every company family-owned? What do you... Just in terms of like... Coca-Cola. ...cola, for example, that is a massive multinational... All-family. The fellow who owns it has got a family,

No, but it's as shareholders, there's stocks and shares. Everyone owns... Everyone who owns stocks and shares, has got a family. Families owned. I, on my first day in Blue, the place was to work. Simon Webb was giving me shit,

and I kicked him off the engines as well. Now I got locked in the toilet. So there's no staff toilets. It was you use the public toilets. I hate that, by the way. In a cubicle. I don't know what happened, but the lock would not. Like, it wouldn't let me out.

I was like... This happened to me. Tanzania. I was like, I can't be the kid on his first day who gets locked in the bog. I can't be. So I kicked the door off, it's injures. And then when someone's kicked the door off, the injures in the toilet, and then it's like the bouncer went in and like, whatever.

I was like, that's fucking band-arangar. It was me. I think, honestly, it's totally understandable. Yeah. Because, hello? I'm the new kid. I'm locked in the bog. I mean, she's just going to drown myself.

Was that you barbacking the first time? No, it's a bar for me? All right, okay. it was in blue. It was my first night. I didn't know anybody. And you're in a venue where someone might kick the door

off the injures. Yeah. Yeah, it was a rowdy gaff. But yeah, I was like somewhat's disgusting. This one, I don't understand. I thought he had no towel on.

So that kind of made sense. But when he said he had his towel on, surely you just walk out and go, hey, I've locked my thing in and you have like a master key. Sorry. No, it's his, it's his padlock.

He's locked his key padlock. Why is he taking a padlock to the gym? That's what you do when you go to the gym? Because everyone does, You take your own padlock to the gym. Honestly, I think you find you'd be in a massive minority. David Lloyd will sell you with David Lloyd Padlock. Total Fitness.

You've seen me do it at pure gym. A lot of gyms have just the loop for the locksgo and you take your own. Oh, I thought you just put them in the... In the locker? Yeah, and then you lock it. I just leave like a little house for your stuff. I thought they all had the ones where...

What about your house? They have a key on it. Yeah, that's a bit of a leisure centre thing that you're talking about. If you go to a gym, majority of them, you have to take your own lock. Take a combination. You mean, like, if you go swimming,

I remember that you put your 20p in and then you lock it and then you've got your little key. That's like a count alone, glacier centre thing, like any like private, but like a decent gym, you'd have to take your own lock.

But the mistake he's made here is having a key one, which is by far the shitters one. The four number combo lock is the way to go. I do understand the cringe though. Like if I did... If I did this, if you have...

to walk to reception in just your tow. That is a humbling moment. Depends how shredded you are. I think it's one of the places where it's okay. Yeah. I just think it's fine. You'd have to walk over the gym floor down this. My gym is a total nightmare for this.

You'd look a fucking bell end. Unless they've got bolt cutters, they can't help you. They do have bolt cutters. They don't have bolt cutters. And they just have a lot pick and pocket. Shout out to Total Fitness Chester. Oh, Dan.

No, sorry. Make, come back to this. coming back to the lock pick at my gym the dickheads that have been members for fucking years just leave their stuff in and have left their padlock on

overnight for ages so you can go in like first thing on a Sunday morning and three quarters of the lockers are already, there's no one in the gym and all the lockers are taken up and there was a sign went up about two months ago going if your stuff is left over

overnight on Saturday we're getting the bolt cutter and we're emptying every one of the lockers and they fuck fucking did it. It's the most satisfying thing I've ever seen. They just cleared out

three quarters of the lockers in the gym. Fucking heroes. Legend. They do have bolt cutters. I don't know if every gym has a... Someone who picks locks.

No, no. A kit. They give you the kit. Oh, nice. No, they... Like Jason Bourne-style. They pick locks. Of course they do.

Most of them can't... What? They just come over and pick the lock for you, Mom. So why have you got bolt cutters then? In case they, like, having a bad day?

And the lock pickers? department. He's to go the shakes. Yeah. Have you ever tried to pick a lock? No. We got... You haven't.

You have not. Me, me, Ellie and my brother. This is recent? Yeah, like... Did you think too... If you put two sharp things in a lock and do that, it eventually just comes and done... Honestly, we were meant to go to an escape room and...

We just picked the lock. Ignore the clues. We left the door off the inches. We left the house without the key for the car to go to the escape room. And my brother closed the door. ourselves out. So we spent 50 minutes trying to pick the lot. You spent and... Oh, do you lock yourself out of a car? No, look to have that house. House. Oh. We hadn't left the keys in. So you did an opposite escape room. You're trying to break in.

Exactly. We locked. Yeah. So we had to try and break into the house for ages. I was, my arm in the through the in the post hole or whatever. And, uh, that's it. That's it. Possible. And we put in the post hole. It makes sense though. And we had to stick. And we had a stick to try and like hook. So we had to work as a team, like the three of us, like, looking through and one of us had a big stick

trying to like loop the keys on the bowl. And then I... That's not where you keep your keys, though, is it? No, we had a key bowl inside the house. And we were trying to... And I flipped the key bowl and we'd lost the keys. Oh, yeah, wing, the audio listeners. I'd knock the keys off.

So we just didn't know what to do, so then my brother knocked on next door. Next on the key door. Come here, you. And she had... Locked out, love. Hang on, hang on. You knocked on next door.

Have you given next door the key? Or did they have it from the previous tenants? This was when I was at my mum's. Oh, right, right, right, right. Yeah, but then we got to this game with the escape room, shit. Wasn't as good as the post house. Yeah. The postal.

But yeah, I really thought, like, I was watching videos. I really believed that I could pick a lock. Those old yell locks that just shut behind you and then locked the door are fucking annoying and pointless. I've got one of them. They're old. school. I don't know what the point of that is. If I shut my front door, you need the keys to get back in. Oh, I thought, yeah, we just, you have to lock it. I've locked myself out of

twice. If our door's closed, it's locked. Yeah. I just, I feel like, what's the point of that? It can only lead to... It's so that you can't ever forget to lock your door. Yeah, safety. But who's leaving the house and forgetting to lock the house? Loads of people. People who don't have... Just walk off if they're getting distracted. Wow. Five times. Yeah, we don't do that. We lock the house. It feels pretty easy. No, but you could to get to lock it. It's impossible for me to get a locker. Yeah, but it's much more likely that you just lock yourself out of your house.

I'd rather maybe leave it unlocked than lock myself out because I'd do that way more often. I've got fail safes, I've got key safes. I've got keys in multiple houses in the road and with both of our parents. I love how entrenched in his street, Carlis. I've got keys everywhere.

I've just got bricks in the front garden because you have to put the window in to climb through. To threaten a neighbour for the key. Give me a key. Have you got my key? Put the brick down, yeah. God. And you just

you must have to break through the hair window. That's a lesson. Five times since I've been back from Tanzania, I've opened the door, the keys, and then just closed it and left the keys in the front door. And I only noticed... Say that all again. So I've had my keys, open the door.

Oh, you've left on the outside? Yeah, left on the outside. And I only noticed... I mean, I noticed a couple times where I've gone out and I couldn't find my keys. But a girl came to the front door. I was like, keys only out your door. That's very nice of her.

Oh, you're getting so robbed. She could have just taken them and just robbed it or a later date. Well, there was the time as well I got locked out of the house because I gave me dad the key. Just give people spare keys or you trust. It's that simple. He doesn't trust no one, though. Like, leave one with one of us or in the studio.

Yeah, but then he couldn't get into the studio because he'd have left his keys. Yeah, exactly. Leave a spare studio, okay, your dad's. Is there anyone that lives on your street that isn't particularly burglary? there's a window cleaner across the road

no he's mate he's prime burglar he climbs up your house he doesn't need it with the key separate issue because he's dead lovely he was with the first person that came and said I when we moved in and then I was like oh so we'll have a window cleaner and then the next day a different window cleaner came to our house and was like

I'm the man who cleans the windows and got us see he sounds like a burglar got in he got in the man who cleanses the windows He got in with Ellie. Clean them on the inside. Don't let me in. Well, Ellie's solicited his services now

and we can't even use... Yeah, hang on, hang on, hang on. You can just go, we're going to use someone else. You're allowed to, it's not a bond for life, your window cleaner. By the way, they do get pissy because Les that used to do ours, he inherited our window.

When we moved in, we inherited him as a window cleaner, and then two doors down, bends a window cleaner, seems dead sound. Laura was like, I don't know about this window. How many win the cleaners?

Mate, it's a turf war. But all they were doing was like a wet brush and like, just like... Half-arse in it? Yeah, man. It was cheap, but it wasn't very good. They win the cleaners. Ben's thorough, more expensive, but thorough. I'll do my own earning more jokes.

We changed. That's salty, isn't it? But now... But now the old window cleaner comes and does the neighbours and won't even look at me. Oh, God, you know, one of them? Man's got one of them things where, like, it's a big, like, generator and he fucking gets...

sick. Young lad as well, they're coo-chatter. Yeah, but if you ever leave them, they're fuming for life. Why, this man scares me a little bit.

But you are allowed to leave them. You just have to deal with the egginess, which you won't deal with. He knocked on for the month, because we didn't have cash. I'm going to have to come back tomorrow. We'll do it. And he knocked on the door.

And I opened the door, and he was facing away from, like, back to me. Like James BT? By, like, and I went, hello? And he went,

oh, God, you scared me? I don't think he's a window cleaner. Do you know I once fooled our window cleaning at my mum's house? I was, I was fully in the conspiracy that he was never cleaning the windows. Never. Because you're like, yeah, come down and go, yeah, five, basically just come and go, gizzar fiver, and we go, we imagine to clean him. I put a smear in the corner of the window one day.

Still there when he came round. I points that, he. Cool, kid. Didn't charge us. How old were you? Seven. He got older to meet, and there was some discrepancies. Did you see that here?

There was a cleaner who posted a thing online. So she'd got to, like, one of her client's houses, and they left a rubber duck on a note on, like, the kitchen island. And it said, we just want to make sure you're thoroughly doing your job. So we've hidden 80 ducks around the house. Respect. Please put all the ducks on this table when you're done. And she went around and found every single duck and cleaned none of the house instead of quid.

Double respect. I've seen a kid who has made stunk as shit, like a teenager who stunk. So he strapped $50 to his shampoo bottle and faced it away. And every time he'd go and check and it was still a... And he said it had been like three, four weeks.

So the kid just hadn't washed. But he already knew he hadn't washed because he fucking stunk. Yeah, but a month after stinking, you'd think you'd have one. The rubber duck thing, you have to be such a level of pedantic bastard to go on Amazon order 80 rubber.

ducks and then do a like an Easter egg fucking hunt. Easter duck hunt around your house and expect someone to be like, challenge you accept it. I will clean and I will find them. Fucking good for you cleaner. Oh, good for you cleaner. Power to the cleaners then.

Yeah, right time. Get some lems it, bro. Ladies and gents, please welcome to the podcast. It's Mr. Dan Tiener. Whoa! I misjudged I had a sip of water just as you said. Oh,

and you have to can your lids fall off. Yeah, it's all right. I intend on having the whole bottle. We don't trust you. All right. I was just getting berated for having two waters.

Is that a lot? Am I demanding guest? Very divinish behavior. You walked in and said, where's me two fucking waters here? And I want to smoke as well. You said you want a drink and I said water,

which was the most modest choice and you all went, I don't think two horses is the most modest choice. Like, I am half joking, but it's... Wait, It's definitely not the most modest choice, is it? I'll have two waters, please.

You tight cunt, two waters, fuck off. You don't look like a smoker either. You don't think? No. I appreciate. I think I do. I don't think you do. Now, you think he says you don't look cool enough.

Yeah, that's what you mean. I'm not cool enough. No, but there's like, there's two types of smokers. There's cool smokers and fucking, you know what I mean. Oh, you like a cleaning lady smoker? Yeah, I think so. Just outside I was on the phone and a homeless guy came.

up to me literally just now and was like how are you mate and I was like yeah you're good you just come out of prison in it and I was like yeah yeah yeah just going along with it and then he went yeah you're on the spy so you jumped off the landing uh and then i was like oh not me that he went it fucking was and got dead angry so it was nice to hear that i don't look like a smoker because i've been thinking do i look like a fucking spice head what did you say in response to the fucking was i kind of got nervous and walked off yeah that's exactly what a spice head would do that it was it was It was me, but I... I've been staying in a hotel

since we got back from our trip to Africa. Talking about homelessness. Adam's going through it as well. I came out my hotel last night, right? So my missus works in town, we were staying in town. And she was finishing work at like quarter past 11 at night. And I was like, well, I'll walk and walk you back to the hotel

because, you know what I mean? Like, if I was somewhere else and I was busy, then she's got to walk back. But if I let her walk back and she gets like shot or something, that's on me for that. That is your fault here. You know what I mean?

You've got to go and pick them up. You know what I mean? And as I came out the hotel, there was three, well, there was two like rough-looking people. I'd say they were middle age, like your age. And there was a fellow on the other side of the road.

And as I come out, one of the ones near the hotel door went, here he is, he's coming out now. I swear to God. He's coming out now. So the guy on the side of the road was like sort of stood on

like walking. On the corner of like an adjacent street like one that comes off of. Is that adjacent? Yeah. So up there into the right is where I'd parked my car and he was facing that way

and I was like, oh, they've definitely got a team of. I'm on the car there. Totally, right? Bob. Yeah. So I start, instead of walking towards

where my missus works, I thought I'll walk to my car, make sure nothing's going on. And the fella on the other side of the road just started walking right with me. So I just stopped walking for a sec. I thought I'll just stop, because then he can't stop.

So he carried on a little bit and then just started having a piss against the wall. Then I carried on, went to my car, it was nothing going on at my car. And I thought, this is a bit fucking weird, this.

And I went back to the hotel and then, like, to get my car. because they naturally have them on me. I was like, maybe they're going to break into my hotel room while I'm going to pick my bird up. And then they're going to rob my car. So I'll just go and get my car keys.

Are you thinking feasts then? What's your, what are you paranoid about? I don't know. I don't know whether... I don't know whether... I'll assassinate you or like what. Well, my initial thought was that they were robbing the car. Yeah.

Then I thought they were going to kill me. And then eventually, I think they were just autographed on to us and someone famous for staying at the hotel. That looks like me. It might have been like a bum and gang. Yeah? A gang of three male rapists. yeah

still a lot of them I'm gonna do I'm gonna do an after a screech just feel like I need to fill some of those guys I think you're attacked them enough it's not that again

I mean I don't know they just thought he was Dave Benson Phillips or not he's put your glasses on with her it is at hotel where people stay in it it's across from the Phil yeah

it is an hotel hostry's hotel stuff happens in London all the time doesn't it Dan yeah yeah yeah yeah honestly but I don't know I think the crime

is different in London. Like, I think in, like, up north, you're more likely to get, you know, someone mad being like, like, more unpredictable. Yeah. Again? Yeah, they're like,

we're like, whey. You know, that kind of thing. Yeah, see, like a bumming gang. You're more like to get a bumming gang. The famous northern bumming gang. Yeah. You're about how Billy, he got done by the famous northern bumming gang.

Yeah. Billy got bummed. Like the pusher, but the bummer. So what's a more, what's a more, Southern crime on her knife. Well, Southern crime's more like fucking organized. It's not just one nutter.

It's like, it's slick. There's a plan, you know. Oh, like the phone snatching? Yeah, like, I've had that twice. You've had your phone snatch twice? Twice, yeah. That's on you. That's a filmy twice situation.

I know. I don't know what to do. I thought about getting a land yard, but that's just going to make me look more to say. No, can you want a land yard saying, please don't take me phone. Yeah, that might be nice. No, in one hand, carry your phone

and the other hand carry a cookie that looks like a phone. A cookie? Yeah, because it's 50, 50 then. Why a cookie? Sorry. Like, it's an edible cookie. Like an edible phone. Yeah, because no one does steal.

I'm not just another phone. Yeah. Like a bad one. Because at least you're losing a phone. A cookie's cheaper. And you don't want to be a dick. Like, at least give them a sweet treat. Do you know what I mean?

Like, they've gone for a lot of work. No matter. And if no one does steal it, when you get back to your house, you've got a cookie. Carl, you've got to stop having these billion pound ideas on the podcast. How is your head got that quick to cookie?

I just think, like, You've got a phone-shaped cookie and a phone, and they go, ah, and you go, ah, that's more than me. There's an internet video, isn't there, where someone in America drives past the police with a cookie-shaped phone. No, phone-shaped cookie. Cookie-shaped phone.

And then the police pull him over, and he goes, it's a cookie. That's still illegal. You still can't have something that distractions from driving you on. Cookies. If you had an actual cookie and just had it to your ear,

they just think you're mental. They wouldn't, that's not illegal, is it? Yeah, it's as a, it's as a, Distracting? Putting a cookie to your hair is illegal. Anything that impairs you're driving? Yes. Pulling pranks on the police is illegal

whilst driving, yes. It shouldn't be. I don't think it should be. Yeah, but it should be as illegal, I think. Because putting a cookie next your ear, that's going to distract you, isn't it? I mean, I don't drive, but if I had a cookie that looked like a phone,

that would be incredibly distracting. Yeah, while you're also filming yourself so you can put it online later. Of course. It's actually incredibly distracting. You need two phones. You need your real phone, one to film yourself with,

and the cookie paint going? No, because then you're down to two and three. If they steal one of the... It is an emotional time, Carl. Get emotional. Jesus. Get emotional. Get emotional about the long journey to decide.

Do you feel bad for the phone thief that turns up again? He's like, what did you get? And he's like, I've got to tell you, lad. It's gone wrong again. There's just two phones and one cookie. It's a two and three chance. I'm giving the man of 50, 50%. Yeah, but the two and three chance,

you still guarantees me left for the phone. What happens if someone takes your phone? You're going to ring your mum off your cookie? Also, where does that stop? Do you carry six cookies round with you? And there's an even lower chance. No, you've only got two arms. What if you get confused as well,

hurt your teeth? I'm just trying to confuse robbers, man. Yeah. Yeah, man. It is, man, that, like, that London has such a monopoly on the phone snatching industry. Because it hasn't travelled, that, has it?

And they're the same phones up here. We don't have, like, shit Nokia's because we're Northern. They're all the same phone. I think it's just because there's that, like, Me and Harry they were joke. It's fucking that London centrist representation again. Everyone in London's on the phone, aren't they? Yeah, they still will nick your phone here,

but they'll do it. They'll go, yeah, you know. It won't be a slit. It'll be scared. If anything, I'd rather it in London, because they just pinch it, you know, it's like subtle. By the way, down, when it happened,

were they on, like, scooters and stuff? Electric bike. I fucking didn't even realize it had happened. I got out of the pub, got my phone out, texted my mate, I went, oh, where's my phone? Oh, I'm fucking hell. I left it in the pub.

And then I realized, yeah. And then I chased after him. Oh. And then I was like, what the fuck am I going to do if I get up? And he's on a leg of my... Yeah, yeah. You're a bit that northern. What happened?

Yeah, I'm gonna mummy here. Shum that tuck it up my ass. Yeah. But what happens if... What happens if a phone thief steals your phone? Then gets it out. Then a phone thief steals it.

What? What happens if the... man who's took your phone there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting out goes, ha, I've got a phone. And then someone takes that. What, if the... Does he chase them?

If the pincher gets pinched. Maybe that's what's going on. Maybe it's just a big cycle. They send them to China, don't he? The phones go home. Yeah. Yeah. You can follow it, aren't you?

Don't you think Dan with his little cup looks like an ante? Don't I mean? He's like, oh, what's been going on? The school gates, Mary. I'd love some for HR, too, if anyone's got me. That's made out at the skill gates.

Do you know what I mean? Tell us the tea of the golfer. Watch your dad and do and now he's single. Prison. Bounce natural. I'm bumming. It's part of a gang. If only Billy was fast enough.

Just be careful of their kids. Carry cookies. Someone said yesterday I saw a video that my are leaning into crime and using it as like a way to make money. Do you like the... Design a ball of clavis and that? Yeah.

And all of their advertisements and the campaigns now we're all aimed at like streetwear and like roadmen. And people are like, they're now profit enough essentially what's crime. Yeah, because roadmen all want to look like the real IRA from like the midnight is, don't they? They're like, look like... But they've all got like...

They've got full balaclava. But Nike are actively leaning into it. And there's a lot of people who are going, you know, let's boycott Nike because they're literally profit enough. Well, I'm less scared, though. Balaclava, I'm not like too scared about that anymore because it is just for show. They want to look hard.

I think the scariest is... No, it's not for show. It's the opposite of shows. Yeah, yeah. No, but he kind of is to show. Do you know what I mean? It's like, look, I'm fucking hard as nails. Oh, so you're calling the bluff

on the bala-carver wearers? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, you're not hard, man. The real sinister, what you want to wait a COVID mask. That is terrifying. Because you're looking at them, you're like, they're not concerned about, you know, they're not isolating.

You must be scared of a lot of Chinese ladies. Yeah, no, I am. I am. I am. I am. I am, but that's not because of the mask. I'm not saying anything there. You don't know what?

Wherever your head's going, that's on you. Is that your fault? No, I'm not scared of Chinese ladies. But you won't go. They're quite scared of me. You won't go into a nail technician. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm not scared.

Where they all. Chinese. We had to buy balaclavs for the mountain, though. We did, then we love. If I wear them now, is that a problem? Yeah. Did you wear yours on the mountain? Yeah?

Did you? Yeah. When? Why did you have balaclava on a mountain? Because it was that cold. Because it's embarrassing. No, no, well, good. All these other people who were walking up the mountain to see me.

I didn't end up needing my balaclava. I didn't wear mine because it was more impaired. I liked the wind on my face. I liked to know that I was on the mountain. You know? I knew I was there. Just in general. I'm here?

Just a constant reminder, did I mean? But if you walk me? You can't see your face, though. Can you? No, but you feel, like, if you feel the breeze on your face, you're like, whoa, Kilimanjaro. Yeah. Feel the breeze on your face.

Oh, Kilimanjaro. How is the altitude? It's higher. Yeah, it gets you high, though, doesn't it? It got some of us high. Some of us high. Yeah. We can't do too many spoilers because we've got a special coming out.

Some people struggled with the altitude more than others. we'll just say that as a teaser. And the altitude down at the hotel where me and Harry stayed was just fine. I was still like 2,000 metres. Yeah, you're right. I've been through it, thank you. Sometimes I wore the Balacarva,

but that was just because of like... How is Bolivia? Why is you looking at me like that? Just because I've done Coke. That's interesting, Carl. It's actually 4,800. Is La Paz the highest city in the world? I don't know.

La Paz, how high is about 3,750? Quite a high, huh? Yeah. Me, thirds. 4,000's like when it becomes a problem, problem, in it? But it's not a problem for them because they're boring it. Oh, yeah, L Alto is 4,150. What's my, what's mile high stadium?

It's a mile in Denver. In Colorado, daily? Lava tower is 4,600. You just got to stay up there, mate. You just can't go and visit anyone. 5,000, oh wait, sorry, that was feet. 1,600. That are fucking pussies.

Yeah. Well, I don't know what's going on. What are they? Are they numbers? Are they numbers? We're all hiking experts. Belivia is a country in South America. That is notoriously very high.

Oh, yeah. And get a lot of Coke from that. A lot of Coke. Yeah, yeah, man. Is it not got a coast? There's that one they ask you about Bolivia. That must be at sea level. You can ask me about horses if we're doing that.

You know about horses? Mm. And I take the same, I'm on the same meds as them. Ketamine? Mm. Mm. Do you like your Ket? I love it.

Like, I put myself in a bad K-hole recently. What happened there? Why? I convinced myself, I was in a simulation. Where are, though? Before or after? Like, joring. Oh, yeah.

And I'm still not, do you know what I mean? I'm still not certain either way. The jury's out. I think we're in a simulation. Mm. Pretty sure of it. Who's in control of her?

What? Who's controlling her? The one day with my life is fucked. Yeah. If it's a, if it's a, video game, he's having a crazy gaming session. Yeah, he's doing all sorts to me. The K-hole level must have been fun for him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he put it on difficult. What you do? When you're in a K-hol? You think you're in a simulation. What are you doing? I've never been in a K-old, describe a... Have you done K? Yeah.

A bit of K, man. Everyone does it. Yeah, you used to have a joke, which was like... Just a bit of K, man. Tell, I, I used to have a joke It's like, I like, I like, ooh, not the ones that are like, ah, do you remember the joke I'm talking about?

No. I think I was on Kerman when I wrote a performance. You're only K? It was a different, maybe, yeah, maybe it's on a different game. Have you, have you done K though? You? Is it special?

Yes, officer. Kay and Faye. No, I, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was a bit of Ketman, yeah. It's my favourite one, so I don't K-O very often because it's like, I've got, like, a good tolerance for it. But, yeah, it's like, My favourite restaurants in Lyftbill only go a couple of times a year.

I go to all the ones more. Yeah, tolerance break. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do that with water as well. It's more hydrating, but then occasionally they're fucking tight. You're back on it. He hasn't drunk for two months until they go.

This is incredible, honestly, yeah. Woo! But what are you telling yourself when you're like in a K-all and you think life's a simulation? I just want to know what, describe it to me, paint me a picture, sell me on it. Sell him K-man. I'll explain how it happened, right?

I was staying in a mate's spare room, the family house, but staying in the cat's room. Was the cat there? Their cats have a room. The cat in there with you? No, I don't know where the cats were. How many cats? I don't know.

I didn't see a single cat. It is mad that they got their own room, though, in it? And you didn't see any, yeah? No, no, no, no cats, yeah. But the point is the floor was made out of like a table material because it's a cat room. What? No.

No, no, you know the material when there's like a school table? Oh, like a plastic, like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the floor, but then I was already pretty kettie, so I was like, the floor is the table. So I did a line that was relative to the table, which was... Which was the floor.

And then I just, yeah, disappear. Like, it's so hard to explain. You just completely disappear. Like, you're not real anymore. and my mate was sat next to me and apparently I was just eyes open like rocking. Yeah, I proper scare myself

but I convinced myself that I was like not Dan Taining and that I was just a copy on a hard drive of Dan Turing that someone had made of me because I met this weird comedy guy on the comedy fan on the train on the way to this thing and he had like Marigold gloves on.

On the train? Yeah, and he was, bragging about how he's barred from every venue in the country for heckling. Was this pre? This is pre, but he came into it. He came into it because he was in my head. And I was like, fucking hell, he's done this to me.

Like, he's copied me. Do you know what I mean? And that's why he had the gloves on. I don't know. Yeah. And then I convinced myself that I was just a simulation and it was just all AI. And then even when I came back out of the KOL,

I still thought it was AI. And my mate was like, you know who I am? And I was like, you can't really talk when you're on Kets. So I was like, best friend, like that. And then she said, you're all right. Do you trust me? And I went, no, AI, like that. And then I started swearing, the guy, the rubber glove guy, like that.

Yeah, like, hey, I, fuck you. And then she's like, then I go, then I just look around, I go, oh, Dante and doesn't do drugs anymore. Yeah. Wow. It sounds good. It's lovely, yeah. It's quite a buzz.

Yeah, yeah. Should get on it. Don't you do, you do, do you still do your patron thing where you all get pissed? Sometimes, yeah. You should do like a higher,

high-tier, a cat one. Oh, the K-hole locking. Sandro, Hutchy, Mike Rice, you guys, Ketty. Yeah, but you've just said you can't talk.

No, you really can't. I think people would watch, you know? You find a way of communicating, you know, Apes or something. I think it'll be good. So how long until you realise you weren't in a simulation?

Oh, by the way, 15 minutes takes, it feels like it takes three hours. Well, this was a thousand years, roughly. That was acid. Give a or take. Yeah, it was a while. You're like, oh my God,

it's taken ages to just re-piece reality and then you look down and it's been 20 minutes. I had that experience on acid. The same thing. I thought I was in a simulation. I lived my life. in the bath died and then woke up and went oh fuck yeah lived your life in the bath yeah never again this is when i was in uni how long you actually been in the bath uh a couple of hours i think

oh shit that's ages i came to stella yeah yeah but i lived a whole life you watched rickamoy do know roy you know yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i did that woke up yeah and went oh god so i'm not it felt like years it felt like i'd lived my whole life like i saw i don't know i saw my kids You're so depressed, man. You've lived two lives. There's people who've done this. There's people who've said people live 25 years, yeah.

You only live once. That's a load of nonsense. Yeah. Just depends what you're taking. You can live loads. It's yoll. Have we ever done anything, anything like more severe?

Like more severe. You, where, what, y'all. You only live loads. You only live loads. You only live like, yeah. Yeah. So how much now, percentage-wise, do you think this is real?

I reckon 80, 80, 20. But I won't say which way. Splitners. No, 80% I think it's real. But what is real, Carl, do you know what I mean? Then you get in the whole thing. It's now, I'm conscious now. This is, you know what I mean?

So that's real. Is it? Dan Taining does podcasts. Yeah, Dan Taining does reels now. Dan Tainan's on tour. Yeah. Have you ever done anything like more? I'm not doing deaf voice, by the way.

It's Ket Voice. It's okay. It's Ket Voice. Hey, but also, safe podcast to try it out. Yeah, I wouldn't do, I don't, I've never done acid, though.

I wouldn't, I wouldn't recommend it, but some people love it. Has anyone done anything even more to be like ayahuasca or anything like that? Would you have to do? Like a big spliff once on my own. He had some sang green in New York once.

Oh, is that, Adam? Oh, I was hot. I got on a paraglide. Paraglide? Paraglide. Had them you were bladdered on Sangria? You had a weird lollipop on the beach? Oh, I had a full dube.

How big was it? Just, just confirmed. Oh, yeah, I remember. That's a parsn. Spliff was table. Yeah. He got it for two euros from a newsagents. That CBD's strong over there, mate.

I'm not a drugsman. Dan's a retired drugsman. Finn loves the shite. Yeah. I... But I know people have done like, do I-O-ASca, but you don't do it recreationally. You do it like to sort your life out.

Oh, yeah. Before I take an acid, I think I was 21. I was like, I'll do this and then I'll do DMT. And then I did acid, I was like, never again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't DMT not cool anymore? Wasn't it a curve in a bit? No, I think it's back.

Oh, is it? I think it's back in a big way. My mate's got it on a fucking vape, right? And he just hits it. It's the most intense drug ever. And he just does it on a vape. And dead casually. release is when you die in it.

Once everyone was talking to and people were like, what's in that, what you do? Why's he doing that? And he was just quiet for like 30 seconds and he came out and he went,

oh, when I've had the pen, give me a fucking minute like that. Yeah. Where was he? Where were you? We were like, Gastonbury,

but just chilling. Oh. And he just hit the pen, disappeared. It was like, give me a fucking minute when I've had the pen. Yeah.

But I think if I did ayahuasca, I'd be wearing like full robe now. Yeah. What, with a shaman? Yeah, yeah. I go completely that way. I think I will do it at some point but I'm not ready

Are you gonna go to like The forest to South America? I think so Peru Yeah you do it And fuck yeah What do you want to happen What do you want to do? I don't know anyone who's done it

And then got more fun Everyone who does it They all too really serious don't they Yeah they all get a bit like I don't money man We're all just won I've seen that snake Who chats to end and all that gear

Is but everyone has like similar experience on it You all talk about that snake don't he Yeah The snakes in loads... Apparently, and this might be bollocks because someone told me it and I'm pretty sure they were on intoxicating powder at the time.

But they read a book about a guy who that's how they discovered DNA was through ayahuasca trips that all the snakes look like the shape of DNA or some shit like that. I don't know if that's real or not. Snakes, you meet the snake? Yeah, you meet a snake

and there's also a woman talking to you whilst you're on it, Mother Iowasca. She shoves you up her ass Yeah, Paul Smith done it And that woman, Paul Smith, in a pussy. That woman. Yeah. The I-o-asker woman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pulled Paul Smith and shoved him up here to what. What's there? You need, you need like an Angela to ask for her. Do you know what I mean? Like a particular one, like a guy. Can I have a person, please? She's trying to shove me up a cunt.

And tell that fucking snake to car now as you're at it. Cookie. Dan, surely you do it. You love alter in your fucking head. No. No. You don't do DMT.

I'm not matched fit anymore. Last time we did shrooms in Amsterdam. Train for it then? Well, no, but that means me getting back on. Yeah, you're right. I should train for it. I'm back. Let's go out.

I used to be pretty much fit and could handle it and could handle because you get pushed and pulled a little bit mentally when you're on these things. And when you're used to it and you're fine, you can ride out some of the little introspective doubt bits.

If you've not done it for ages or you haven't been doing it at all, in Amsterdam the last time, I just went really in on myself. And when we were all at that cafe, you know when you're shouting boners at the windmill. I spent most of that day going, you need to sort your life out,

you need to get healthy, you need to lose weight, you need to start going to the gym. If you've done that, though. Yeah. If I hadn't have done mushrooms that I've eaten loads more shit. and drunk more pints.

Do you think that was the start? That was the start? Is that when you started training? Oh, well. No, not quite, but I think it was, in the back of my mind, it was stuff I was ignoring. Like, I think if you're having fun on drugs,

you can just be like, oh, yeah, man, taking it all in, getting a little bit of perspective, it's a laugh. I started, like, redesigning my life. It's just a bit intense. I do that every time I'm hung over, though, and then three days,

I just start a pint again. But then, wait, so you did shrooms and then rediscovered. designed your life. I was high. Instead of just having a giggle and having phone, I was like... But that sounds productive though. Do you know what I mean?

And it worked, right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to do any more drugs. What the fuck's going to? I'm going to end up like standing for Parliament for reform or something. Like, I can't afford to do any more drugs.

I can't get any more boring. Listen, I've hit my limit. Like, if I do ayahuasca, I'll end up, like, moving to Gloucester or so. I don't know. It could be horrific. It's good services, though.

Yeah, you get them cookies. Sorry, Gloucester, you got thrown under the bus there. I'm a councillor for the Liberal Democrats. Where, Gloucestershire? Would you go, Libby Dem? Yeah. They're pretty boring. No, no, no.

I think if you were going to do that, like, reform is better. Because obviously to stop immigration and the dinghy, no. Because, no, no, no, like, live them. If you were at an ayahuasca trip or were like, like, live damn, that's just, at least reforms like, fucking hell. You know what I mean? Jesus. How gammon a move would that be?

Like, yeah, just like, what did I ask her? And I found myself. And it turns out I'm a massive flag shagger. Yeah, it is a worry. I was on ADHD meds. Like, well, I'm on them now. And I had like a big day. Like, sorting my life out.

Been in the Swelton television? In the first few weeks or the first few days of being on them? Or was it literally the first day you took the AD? First day, I just fucking started cracking on in a way I've never like done before. Yeah, apparently it does do that on it. My mate. My mate did it for the first, like, well into his 40s, tried the ADHD medication that we've known for years he needed.

And I spoke to him after four days, and you knew he was on them because he actually answered the phone. So that's the big giveaway that stuff was happening because he used to just ignore the phone. But then eventually... And then he was like, he said, is this how everyone's been living this whole time? Just being able to fucking do stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I know I'm a cracker because I was like, I'd fucking love to try some of this ADHD medication. Like people always like to me, oh, everyone's like, Are you certain you've got it? Like they diagnose everyone. It's like, I don't care.

They're giving me a doctor has told me I can have speed every morning. And it's all right. I should be doing that. He sat down on a doctor and he said, your problem is, Dan, you've not had enough speed.

Let's go. Yeah, the problem is they do, it does like wear off and then I've just had to up my dose and now it's... It's pretty good. ADHD meds are meth. And then you get used to meth,

so you have to have more meth and eventually you're just a method. But you're a to-do list. You're on to the phone. I think I'm going to be a method anyway, one way. It doesn't matter what route I go. On the NHS is probably better, isn't it? May as well get my taxes done on the way.

Such a big day, did so many things. And then I couldn't sleep, obviously. And my jaw was killing. So I asked chat GPT, like, what's going on? And chat GPT said basically, I'm so excited by my day. I've been gurning of excitement. Nothing to do with it.

The meth that you've had. Yeah, I think, you know, it did think, it did think the meth would have affected it as well, but the tasks as well. You're so pleased with yourself, you can't sleep. That's basically what it said. And the amphitamist can't help. I had to get up early the next day as well,

so finally started drifting off. And as I was drifting off, I opened my eyes and I was like, I'm joining the Green Party right now. Right now. Yeah. So it is, it's good because you get stuff done, but it is mad.

I don't know how everyone else does it. How long you've been on? Doing things you want to do, it's exhausting. How long you've been on it? Like, a couple of, well, truth be told, I don't think my psychiatrist will watch this. Someone's been giving me them for a while now. Like, you know, I'll really fuck myself if he,

nah, he won't. Also, it's just a bit, it's a comedy show. Yeah, we're just doing bits. It's definitely a bit, yeah. It's a good bit. I don't think you like the cat story either, actually. Yeah, no of this. Yeah, please give me more.

I'm really enjoying them. I need them. I want some ADHD, Med, you know. Yeah, I've got a load. Hey, can we do an ADHD locking? Yeah. Isn't that just called? Bingin, yeah.

Listen, the K-ho locking, I promise you will not work. You're invited? Yes, come on, let's do it. Obviously, if I do an ADHD lock in and just get all my pre-COVID invoices sent. That's a problem. We'll do, I've got L. We'll do Elvance.

Elvans, I'm on 40 MG at the moment. I think you could get 60, but we'll do two each. Do you know what I mean? And the problem is, I think Evan will be like, fuck this shit. I need to write some poetry.

You know, like... Yeah. We can podcast and all of us write a novel at the same time. Yeah. It's limitless. It's just the speedy version of limitless. Which, by the way,

if you've ever watched the film, Limitless and gone, I'd never take that. Fuck off. What are you on about? I've not seen other side effects to the limitless pill. Yeah, it goes horrifically wrong,

you're then reliant on it. By the end of it, Bradley Cooper's sound and he hooks himself onto it in a way that he can just get everything done and he tells Robert De Niro to fuck off. Spoilers, by the way. Gets run over. How does he do it? Is that the end? Limitless and have mics and men, ruined.

Is that the end of that film? He grabs the hero and goes, hey, your heart's fucked, isn't it? That car's on a crash. Now, fuck off. It ends well. With limitless, just watch it for a bit and then turn off the end. Why? Well, doesn't it go wrong at the end?

No? No? It goes right. It goes right. It's it, it, it's a very stereotypical movie plot.

Start well, goes badly wrong and then happy ending. Yeah. Nice. It's a rom-com, but the romance is with a man and a drug.

You should do the opposite. They should do films and it starts bad gets okay and it ends horrifically. Chillers list. Is that? Starts bad

because he's killing all the Jews. Gets all right because he saves some of them. Holocaust. What's that? film. The gay film with Paul Meskell and Fingie, Stranger in

All of us strangers. That one, that one. How long do you think, how long until you can spoil things do you think? Don't talk about that because that's quite recent. Really? It's a couple of years. I could shout to that for spoiling breaking bad before. We've missed some in here.

What's going on? Oh, that's very good. Is it the Holocaust one? Kill it all you. son, holocaust. It was just the holocaust. That's how Spielberg got the film.

If I wasn't on pills, I'd just like ignore that. But I'm on pills, I'm like, are you fucking laughing at me? What's going on? Kind of. Yeah, yeah. All of us strange does have a grim end, though. It does have a good ending. Grimendend to grim end.

That starts bad. And ends bad. It starts all right, then it gets good, and it ends really, really bad. Yeah. I'm self. You can bleep it out if you want. Poor Mescal film

with Andrew Scott as her. Yeah. Is it one that's just out? Last year. It was last year. A couple years. A couple years. How long do you think until you can spoil stuff? Listen, of mice and men. Yeah, yeah. The book. I could shout out of mice and men. Are you? No. That's fine. You've all shows up even no. No. We said of mice and men is fine.

Then, then breaking bad. It's a little out of pocket. Mises and men as well. That's only, you only doing that if you're doing, you're just, AQA GCSEs, do you know what I mean? So you might help someone with that. It's a classic. You can't be ruining classics. I think that's the real, actually. I think anything

anything over five years can be ruined unless it's a classic. What about the sixth sense? The classic, isn't it? But I think that is like, that is, the ruination of that is in the zeitgeist. Yeah.

It's more famous than the film. Yeah, I've never seen it. The fact that Bruce Willis is a ghost is more famous than, I couldn't tell you the person to the film. I'm not Bruce Willis is a ghost. I've never seen a film when I know the film.

Seven. Same thing. What's in the backs? It's a ghost. Yeah, but it's Bruce Willis. He's in the box. I wish you put Bruce Willis in the box. Yeah, I think, I mean, there's some film,

like you can't ruin that. That's pretty new. Yeah, all right. You can bleep it, bleep it. I actually feel bad on the cinema people. Do you know what I mean? They might not like that. I've just got to curl as well, so don't ruin this.

I've not seen seven. All I know about that is, doesn't someone like kill someone like by force, feeding them spaghetti hoops. Yeah. That's all I know. That's exactly it. Is that the bit you've taken away from that?

That's 45 minutes of the film. Yeah, because I don't like, I don't like baked beans, obviously. Obviously. Yeah. Are you one of them? Well, I've got like... I think you're quite,

you might be in the majority in this room, there you know. Really? So Dan, Finn and Harry don't like them. Come on. Are you normal? You like big beans? Yeah?

Okay, it's about 50. Adam, you love beans, don't you? Sorry. I don't mind them. I'm not like a bean love a. You're not cold out a can kind of thing. No, no, no, no, no, no. I look like I love them, is my point.

I've done stand up about it, but I look like a beet, like beanie, you know. I look like I stink of him, you know. Like at school, I had them on my shirt and I don't know why. No, no, no, no. Now, I'll have beans on a brecky, but they're not my favourite bit of the brecky.

Beans on sauce, they're fired, though. They're just a bit of moisture, really. That, I reckon for the balls. I'm a brown sauce, but I also put, if I have beans, I put brown sauce in the beans and mix it together, I make them brown sauce beans. That's not a bad, I don't think that's a bad thing. Is this just beans you've got a problem with?

There was a symptomatic of more fussiness. It's just baked beans that only food in the world I don't eat. Mash, like mash? Anything, eat mash, yeah. I didn't, as a kid because I didn't like texture. Yeah, that's because I'm over it now. Mushrooms?

I eat literally any food. He said, I'll eat like a human fucking liver. Like, I'll eat anything. I just won't eat baked beans. Yeah, but I... Is it a flavour thing? Wow, I didn't...

It was a phobia as a kid. Like, I couldn't even, like, look at them. Can I am you? Wow, I think what it is, and I genuinely took so long. When I was a kid, me and my sister were playing with, like, toddlers, my mum's opened the fridge. And... Are you playing as toddlers or with toddlers?

We were pretending. to be toddlers. Yeah, no, no, no, no. We were toddlers. Oh, me and my sister do a thing where we're, we tend to be toddlers. We're like, oh, we banged heads and start crying. No, no, we don't.

Sounds like you know. Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess that is sort of my life, really. It's just, just being a toddler. You got hit by a tin of baked beans? My mum opened a fridge. My sister got hit by a half an open tin of beans and started crying, and I thought her head of it

exploded. And I thought it was her brain. And I genuinely, I said to someone after like ages, not even that long ago, do you think that might be why I don't like them? And they were like, yeah. Yeah. At least it would be weirder if that made me really like them.

Do you know what I mean? It was like, yeah. It went the right way there. It's like eating my sister's brain. She's a clever girl, you know? I don't know. How quickly after, In it's on the end, did you realise it was in her brain?

Just now. Just now, I don't really know. It's one of those memories we were so young. It was more kind of like my mum's story. She would tell the story and it was kind of more in my subconscious, I think. I think it is. So, like, so stay, can't talk.

I had a grape when he was a kid with a worm in it. And now he just doesn't eat grapes. And no one, it's you and dogs, and that's it. Can dogs eat grapes? I feel like they can't eat grapes or chocolate. There's lots of things, but they can't eat. Pigeons can't have rice. I am.

Sorry. If a pigeon has rice, it explodes. Oh, yeah. Like your sister's beanered. Yeah. That sounded like a slur, doesn't it? My sister's been it. It's just there's a beaner.

Dan Tiernan, you are taking your very funny stand-up on tour. Like, you're on tour right now. Right now. And if these good people want to go. and see you. Where can they buy tickets? Dan tinnon.com. Dot, UK. Smooth, mate.

That's good, isn't it? I'm pleased of that. Where are you going anywhere? Oh, yeah, yeah, good question. I've actually, can I, I've got some rogue places that even when, I read this out on another podcast recently. I was like, fucking hell, I'm going there. London, that starts to speak.

That's not that rogue. That's where you live. I'm going to read them all out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. London's not rogue. Farham, South End, Guildford, Nottingham, Brighton, Southampton, Birmingham Leeds,

Norwich, and then finishing 21st of March in Liverpool and then Manchester 22nd of March. How is that? The Northern Closer. Yeah. And then we're going to Melbourne, literally the day after that, with a new show.

Do you have any Australian listeners? Yeah, we do, yeah. Just threaten them down there. There's also audio listeners. For the audio listeners, he just threatened you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. For the audio listeners, I just did something very threatening,

which suggested... Listen, you little Ozzie, comes, come to me show, where I'll bomb your houses. That was the... That was Adam, by the way, for audio listeners. Yeah, yeah, but he understood the essence.

That's what the point was saying. But it wasn't bomb the houses. For me, it was more, come, or I'll bum you. That's more what I was thinking. I'll bum you're in your houses. Yeah. What are the bummer gugs?

Not in the house. That's disrespectful. You know what I'm sad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you don't need your pants. Yeah, yeah. Shall we do some have a word? Yeah.

It's trying to have a word. A friend. Tell us. Have friends. I wonder if it's annoys people. Yeah, you're ruining it. 10%. You're ruining my vibe, man.

This is from anonymous. Yes, lads. Have a word with my girlfriend. We ordered a dominoes, and we were going to split the pizza half and half. The pizza comes, and it's not cut evenly. but nothing to cry about. I'm about to tuck in when Grace snatches the box,

takes it to the kitchen, and uses pizza scissors to recut the whole pizza perfectly. She was dead pleased with herself, but now there's little tiny strip pieces and clumps of cheese and pepperoni that have been mashed up in the process. I was fuming and said it ruined the pizza, but she said it was better to make sure

we had an equal amount. Have a word with her for being fucking pizza rain man. You both a pair of fucking gimps. I don't like either of them. I ate both for the cheese. What's he done? I'm confused. What's he?

What's he? He's been like, oh, I've got pepperoni and my cheese is mashed up. It's a pizza. Yeah, baby. It's a little slither like that big. You don't want a slice a pizza like that.

What you mean? I don't think that's a complaint. She hasn't cut it into little slithers. Oh. Like when she's cut it, like a bit of pepperoni and cheese from that half has touched the other bit. Oh,

oh, you can, as if we're listening to you with any into do with food. That's contaminated. And you're worse. Oh. Contamination of the slice. Whoever you are, don't ever ice in again.

You can fucking die. Get it old pizza. It's always by all get old for the endobinoos. Just look for 10 seconds. Oh, there's a 50-50 one, isn't there? Don't they do a half and half? They just caught it wrong. No, they said they were sharing a pizza.

Just get your old pizza. They were sharing a whole pizza. He wants a pizza and she's gone, I won't eat a whole pizza. So do you know what I mean? Come on my mind. Because women... Do you know what women are like?

don't, they won't eat, yeah, they're weird about eating too much women. And that is because of the, uh, the body image pressure put on by society. It's not their fault. Great, save. He's an ally. He's an ally. Someone's moved on. They know they go.

He goes out there. He don't care about that. There you go. Never moved to London. That's what media training and a lack of media training. My message doesn't give a fuck about that. Like if we go to like, like, we went to, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, had the other night.

God. And she was like, I just, little, little, little, little, little, little, peckers,

just want a cheeseburger, you know? You take a little neck? What? Cheeseburger. And I was like, and I was like, and then she was like,

would you have half of garlic bread and cheese with me? And I was like, no, I just want six chicken over to me. And she was like, oh, well, I'll just leave it then. And I was like, yeah.

I've met your bit since all of that, you know. It's a pretty solid impression. Well, just leave it that. Yeah. Yeah. It pisses me off and people are like, let's share it.

And I'm like, no, I don't want to. I don't share food. I shouldn't have to. I like to, I would rather always order way too much. Yeah. I do that. I don't. The reason I'm by, like, paying for a takeaway is because I'm like,

I want to know that it's just, I'm going to be full and satisfied. What I'll regularly do is, if Seneca sends me to the shop for a specific type of crisp she wants, I'll get his and two of mine because I know she'll go, oh, they've had them, and I give it a bag, and I've still got a bag. Yeah. Because that happens every time. She doesn't want any. You've got two bags of crisps them.

Exactly. It's like the cookie thing go over again. I think that's how you know you're a high value woman when someone's doing that double bag option crisp. I'll buy twice of it, so you get one too, because I want mine. Has there, is there anything less satisfying or more frustrating than not ordering enough takeaway? I can't even comprehend it.

I can't comprehend it. I can't comprehend. You finish all of your take-way. Oh, my God. I'm still hungry. You get safety food. Don't go to my... You get a safety burger.

You get a safety food. You get an accidental side. Yeah. That you know you kind of don't want and you might only have two of, but you got to. Safety burger. You say you're going to have it the next day.

That's what I do and I still eat it. Get used for all then. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The next day, I have more stuff. I, uh, I was in a hotel and I was starving. And I thought, fuck it. I'm having a...

It was one in the morning. I've been asleep. I was like, fuck it, I'm ordering a scan. Wow, you'd be it in a sleep of a moment. I respect, that's so. I'm doing it. Yeah, yeah. I was still, I don't smoke weed anymore,

but at the time, like, I was always doing shit like that. I'll get up, I got up once in the night. This is mad. Well, we woke up, realize I've done this. Woke up middle of the night, like I was going for a piss, went to fridge, can of Dr. Pepper,

down, back to sleep. That's mad, in it. No? I've told this stuff. on the pod before, so I'll probably bored of this by now, but I think you'll like this. I got, when Liverpool went, like, on the way to winning the league last year, I was going out a lot, I was drinking a lot and getting really pissed

a lot. And I got absolutely hammered and came home. Next day, woke up in bed with me misses 12 o'clock in the afternoon, ish. I'm just like, fucking, oh, I'm in a bad way, and then the doorbell rang, and I opened it, and it was a fellow

with about 70 quits worth of Chinese food. Oh, no. And I was like, No. Thank you. What I'd done is when I was pissed the night before, I'd tried to place a Chinese order and it had gone through as a schedule the next day

and the second they opened, they sent it to the house. I thought you were going to say you'd talk someone else as Chinese and I would have done like that. I wonder since then how many of our lids, because when you told that story, I can't remember how long it was ago, like seven, eight months ago,

I wonder how many people have done that because it's fucking, if you could, in a pissed state, remember to, do the pre-order for the morning. Genius. Yeah, that's smart. I'd like to make clear, I don't think that's what I did.

I think I tried to order it for 3 a.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they've gone. Kitchen was closed. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, then the KFC arrived and I was like, come on. And they basically just cunted me and put barely anything in that I'd ordered. So it was just something shit, like free chicken tenders or something.

And I was starving, and I thought, I paid for a takeaway. I'm getting out of full scorn. And they put my side. up side baked beans. Oh no. Yeah, but I was starving. She started crying. No.

Starving. I fucking scrand them. I've not had beans in forever. But they were like really like not saucy and congealed. And I think because I was starving and stone, they were banging. Like nicest thing I'd ever eaten. Maybe you just like beans. No, I don't.

I don't. It don't. It was all the moment, the mindset, the context, you know. And I'm not, yeah, I'm not eating them. But you just, just try them. Your sister's still alive, isn't you? Yeah, she is. She did have leukemia for a bit, but she's all right now.

That wasn't because of the beans. No, I don't think so. But I don't know, everything causes cancer. Like, the Daily Mail would probably say it was. Getting hit on the head by a tin of beans causes cancer. Yeah, maybe. Well, maybe that's how she's all right. Maybe it like...

I do wait. Like the news says everything causes cancer. Because it used to be like, don't smoke and you won't get it. And now it's like, don't look at a ham buty. Don't head butt bait beans. You're pretty health anxiety as well. I am as well. Yeah, yeah.

always convincing myself. What do you think you've got now? What's the most recent bad thing you think you've had? Testicular cancer. Yeah. All the time. I've always got that. Is that because you're finding lumps?

Nah. You know what? This is actually mad. But there is lumps on your balls. I think this is your fault, right? Years ago I was listening to this podcast and you said I was aware of my balls, right?

Like I had an ache. I was aware. I'm fucking aware of mine. and then I had this dull ache for all the time. That can be epidididymitis though and what I will tell you it is not to freak it out.

Oh, for fuck. I'm dying. Epididymitis. Bless you. It's the cup pipe in her. It's inflamed cum pipe, yeah. Nice, there you go. But does that mean you have been shagging too much?

Yeah. Oh, not enough. It's not that. It's enough. But if you get testicular cancer, often there's no pain or feeling at all. Yeah, I've had it scanned than that now. It's not that.

And then it went away. If you're not aware of your bollocks, you might want to get them checked, because that's probably cancer. It's good to be aware. There's a lot of women just shutting themselves. I always think I'm going to have a heart attack as well all the time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

No, the ketamine will help. Ketamine in the speed, yeah. That's good. Oh, yeah, the heady combo. Pages vodka, Red Bull. Yeah, yeah. I'm worried about heart disease. No, they cancel each of a route, though.

I've heard that's fine. If you go low and high at the same time, it's you're normal for the heart. Yeah. I've been told the exact opposite, actually. Yeah, no, that's true. It's really bad. Damon says, hey, lads, got a quick, have a word for you. For context, I live in the northeast of the United States with my wife and dog,

and we had a huge snowstorm followed by two weeks of freezing temperatures. A few days after the storm, I noticed a huge icicle forming on the corner of the house. Easily, over a meter long. I took a pick and shared it in the group chat, some others shared theirs, etc. I decided due to the freezing temps to leave the icicle alone, and see if it would keep growing. Maybe two days later, I come home for my lunch and my wife told me she'd taken care of the icicle,

just smashed it so it would fall and break. I asked why, and she said she was worried somehow that it was a hazard for the dog. And after all, I already took the picture. What else could I want with it? Have a word with my wife for being the destroyer of fun. Yeah. Cheers.

That's out of order. You want to snap that off and have a sword for two minutes, don't you? Yeah, but I mean, she is right, isn't she? Nah, that's his project. That's his project. That's the most unfortunate timing. Yeah, it would, yeah. But she needs to run it by him, be like, that's dangerous.

Do you know what I mean? He's like understood. I'll deal, you know, maybe I'll snap it off. Maybe he'll have solved for the baby. Stranger, weird, less fortunate things have happened, though. Also, it's more likely that ice school kills the dog that, like, 9-11 happened.

Again, yeah. Or at the first time? Do you think that's what it was, that 9-11? was a guy trying to fly it in as like a project or something. There was a wife going, get rid of them towers because we walk our dog around now. It's a good thing. It'll come down at any time.

It's a good weapon as well, an icy stick. Listen, if we ever get to the point where we're in minus 15 degrees Celsius and I get a banging icicle hanging off the corner of my house, I got kids, they could be speared by the ice school.

That's fair enough. We're taking, I have to be there. I want to see the smash. Yeah. That's part of it. can't do that without me. I've just got a feeling she did it. That's where she's wrong, yeah.

She did it to get to him, I know it. She probably did some shit as well. She probably knocked it off and then poured that water on it. She probably didn't even smash it. She didn't like how much attention the icicle was getting. You know what I mean?

You know, I reckon he might have been, yeah, pegging himself with it as well, potentially. And she didn't like that because he wouldn't let it do to her. Oh, I would put an icicle up my ass. Oof. You would? Yeah. Just melt, wouldn't he?

But if you were going to shove anything up your eyes. It might as well be an ice school. Yeah, cold. Ooh. Yeah, well, cold it'll feel nice, but I know for a fact, the inside of my asshole's warm. You think you've got a particularly,

you've got a particularly hot ass. Do you reckon? Yeah, he's cut, look at him. It's a busy. It's a busy. When girls warned them up, not putting mini milks up to pussies a couple of years ago.

Yeah, I remember the advert. Google that, it was like, I, what? Like, like, people say, ice lollies. We say lolly-oices, you know, potato potato potato, they were told not to put them up there. Google that. Mini-milks.

That was the specific type. I think that's because mini-milk were working on a pussy-flavored one. Ice-lolley vagina warning. The band. Oh, we are ice-lolley vagina-winning. Why were they doing it? What does it say? Yeah.

Doctor warns to not put ice lollies in vagina during heat wave. Doctor? Just one guy. Yeah. Dr Welsh. Oh yeah. Sounds reliable. Is that good though?

Cold up the bum bum is a good thing. I would have like if we've ever, when the butt plug's in play, the metal one, I sometimes leave it on the radiator for 20 minutes, just warm it up a bit. Is that? In the freezer.

In the freezer. What, you're using a butt plug. Is that what you're saying? No, you know, if I ever make love to anyone. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, you warm it up? My wife. That's nice.

Hang on, Jordan's actually, you shove a butt plug up an ass? Who's... Your wife? Who's... The only person you have... Fictional than. This lemps is...

And you've just said you preheat your wife's butt... And they'd be like, shocked that we want to know most. Is it like when the... The bits we come up with on here, man. Is it like when the takeaway's on the way and someone puts the plates in the microwave? Don't put the butt plug in the microwave. Made that mistake.

Put the hot water bottle. Is that, that's nice, that's quite conscientious. Well, apparently, actually, just, you know, stick in the freezer. I think I want it warm. I won it cold, not warm. Right. Refreshing. I think it's hot enough already.

Yeah, same. Yeah. I'd put a bupug in the fridge or freezer maybe. Right. But what if it's like one of the mammals that gets its tongue stuck on a pole when it's freezing? I don't think me bupulg's got a tongue on it. You're right. No, but the inside of your ass gets stuck on the boplug.

The entire of my ass is the tongue. Maybe. If you've not been... If you reckon you can taste stuff up or something. If you're not being up there much, you might not know what I mean. Yeah, you might have a tongue inside your anus. It might not. No, but like you've got taste buds on your bollocks, haven't you?

Yeah, it's not your ass, is it? But you've got taste buds on your bollocks? Yeah, if you dip your bollocks in, like, yoghurt, like, you can taste yoghurt in your brain. Nah, you shouldn't have told me that. But you're not allowed to see the lid. It's like a blind taste test. Because otherwise, your brain will be like, you know it's strawberry. Oh, but then if you do it.

Does taste buds on your bollocks? And women have it in the club. So that's why you do need a lot of takeaway then. Is that why you're on? I've really enjoyed the form Adam's been on today. It's my flavoured lube exists. That's why love honey making a flavoured loop. If you put cherry-flavoured lube on that

and was on a woman's pussy, she'd be like, oh, cherry. Oh yeah, because when you use that fucking dead power shampoo, the tree one. Mint and tea tree, original sauce. You can't you? Yeah. Yeah.

Never wise that under a pussy. Ah. Tea tree. A bit of shampoo. Rob O'Hara says, Wagwag, have a word with my former mate. Ooh.

Pete for being a cheating bastard. We've got a group of mates from school and every year since we've been 17, we've had an annual twister competition. All a bit of fun. Lots of drinks, drunk, and prize money for the winner. This year,

this year, it was at Pete's house and his girlfriend, Sophie, was the spinner and referee. By the time we got to the semifinals, it was evident that Pete and Sophie were in cahoots and she was giving him easy spins while we weren't looking. At the end of the night, Pete had won the prize money with ease.

We were all bladded, and despite him allegedly drinking double vodkas, he seemed completely sober. I was suspicious and checked his drink, and he had been on the sparkling waters all night. I was drunk enough to call him out, And it all kicked off. We're not speaking.

And he's refusing to give up the 200 pound prize pot. Have a word with him, lads. A huge ton. Right. Pete, Pete is gay. And he's convinced his mate that, like, this is a big competitive thing. He's like, all put money in it so they take it seriously. Just because Pete wants to rub, rub himself on his mates, I think.

And because I have a gay man, I understand this stuff. I must closet for a while. And he's got his girlfriend to referee. And this guy is. concern with Pete because he thinks he's... Ask a question about being closeted. Yeah, yeah. Aren't all people closeted for a while?

No, because you have to be... You have to be gay under... In the closet. Nah. You're not... I mean all gay people, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I don't see gender.

You're right, you're right. Some, like, everyone is... Every gay person is closeted some much more than others, but then there are some gay and they don't even know they are, you know what I mean? Yeah, my cousin was gay when we were kids. Yeah. But, like, you know,

gay now as well, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, but that's what I mean. He's still looking for a cure. Well, like, I asked him to let me a DVD once and he asked me for a deposit and we were like, eight. He was like, gay. Yeah, but it had, like...

Blockbusters is gay? What? Because blockbusters is gay? But blockbusters isn't asking for a deposit. They're asking for a higher thing. But he was... Did you want it for free? Yes, this is his cousin.

Wanted to lend it? Yeah, yeah, but I'm saying he asks for money, so he's just doing with Blockbusters. He's just making a bit of dough. You were selling DVDs on a whole. area. Do you're super gay? You're right?

Am I, am I alright? Your cousin wants to the middle of money for the DVD? I don't think, I don't know he bought. No, he wanted a deposit. He wanted like collateral off me

that I got back if I gave him the DVD back? He didn't take an evening percentage of the deposit, no? Just one, oh, that's mental. Yeah, that's gay. Genuinely, how does that make him gay though?

I think we're getting... It just had gay vibes. I'm taking a deposit. Yeah, you know what I'm that's. Librarian energy. Yeah, Adam, it's been three weeks. Yeah, yeah.

That is a bit gay. Honestly, I could show you pictures of us when we were kids. And yeah, yeah, yeah, he was a homosexual boy. But yeah, I think, I think that Pete isn't cheating on the game. The spins is so Pete can rub himself more on this guy and his girlfriend's into it. You said you understood this from when you were closeted. So what were you doing when you were closeted to rub up against men? Like yoga and that.

Well, hang on. You do full contact yoga? Yeah. We do it a bit differently at my studio. they have to taste my mouth with their balls this is the game wow but yeah I don't think

Pete's cheating in the game I basically think he's not drinking because he's... Was there just two of them playing? No, there's a group of lads everyone's putting in the pot. You know, as much as I want to be like a drunken twist of competition

sounds stupid, I bet if you're all buying it's... I bet it's great. I don't think. You've got to be a special kind of loser, though, to be rigging it. 200 quid, I guess so, isn't it? One last one. And, Dan, this came in last week and I would have done it anyway. But as you are a gay man,

I'm going to do the gayest have a word we've had for a long time. Sapping lids need a bit of advice and possibly I have a word here. I currently live with my best friend of 15 years. We're both 30-odd and gay. We both had one date in the past, and it didn't flow, so we just called it quits and became friends. In the past, we've both been. very promiscuous and I've always kept a clear line between both of our respective sex lives.

Our home life is pretty sound. I'm not the most perfect person to live with. I have pretty bad OCD, although it's gotten much better in recent years. I have a decent job and I'm earning more, no relation to Bondi. So I'm attempting to settle down and look after our house we both rent because I think I can see myself here for a fair bit of time while I save up for a deposit on a house. My housemate can be quite messy, but my housemate can be, but again, it's something that's gotten fairly decent about and all was relatively fine as of late. However, at about 2 a.m. recently, I couldn't sleep and was craving some scram. So I ordered a late night takeaway. When I went out to pick it up from the front door, I heard my housemate passed out on the sofa

in the living room. Nothing unusual. He works late nights. This is when I was confronted by a blanket covering our shared bathroom on the ground floor facing the front door with a crude hole cut out of it with a dining room chair next to it. Yes, my housemate had created a makeshift glory hole in our fucking hallway and has left the door unlock for any Tom, Dick or Harry to wander in. I'm not a prude, but this is clearly taking the piss right. We live in Toxteth of all places, and the last thing I want is to wake up to a grinder hookup gone wrong

and having a DL John Ed standing over me watching me sleep. Can you have a word tell him to fuck off with this level of bullshittery? And I think it's time you moved out. thanks from Mike. Fucking weirdy that, Mike means? Yeah, is Mike all right? That's not the problem. The problem wasn't how it was written.

There's a lot going on there and I didn't once think, buddy, I'll get to it. So, he's made a glory all there's living room and open the door for men to come in and put the cocks in her. Yeah. I'd love to be gay, man. Do you? It should be so fucking easy.

You're just making, like... But it's not all that. I mean, I'd be this, I'd be hoary gay. Yeah, yeah. This would be me. Do some reverse conversion therapy? Another way you can go to a church and be like, I'm gay, make me straight. Go to like, I don't know.

Where? A night club. Go to club. Oh, what, like other way around? Yeah. Make me gay. I get turned gay. Like, surely that has to exist.

There has to be the alternative. Yeah. Newton's Law. Laura, like, really nervous because I've watched every series of the bake-off in one week. She's like, what are you up to? and you're like, I don't know, but it's not happening. Wait, wait, wait, what? What do you two think being gay is?

Hang on, hang on. Bakeoff is not gay. Beacoff is not gay. Bacoff is. Oh my. No, it isn't. What's gay about this? What many shows you could have gone with?

Pakes are boss. The Great British Bakehoff isn't gay. No, it's camp and it's a bit tawny and a bit old. Brother! It's camp. You're right. It's camp. Queer life is a straight guy.

Vanderpump rules. Yeah, they're, all a bit on the nose, you know. Gilmore girls. That's not gay. Bacon's gay though, in it? Bake off is. Imagine a guy baking. He's gay.

I bake. Oh, wow. There's one thing I don't do. Well, the signs have always been there. That's not the go-to gay show though. RuPaul Strike Race. It's again very on the nose. I can't hide in plain sight there.

I'm trying to convert myself to gayism. Heated rivalry down. That's what you want to do. one. The gay off the thing. It's fucking mental. My housemate, Bella Hull,

right? We were like, we were like, she's great. She's dead funny. Yeah, she's awesome. It's fucking manic house though.

Jesus Christ. I've only, I've only, like, I've only lived there recently. But we were, we needed to watch something

and not get distracted because we were always chatting. So we're like, we'll watch this gay show. It's fucking porn. I, I had a, I had a lob on like five minutes in.

I was like, I don't know you well enough to have an erection. and we're in a bed as well. We have to put the laptop now on my... What's the show called? No, heated rivalry, it's called. Oh, I've heard about this year.

You think it's going to build up. They're fucking bumming, like, six minutes in. Like, it's mad. Like a northern gang. Yeah. Is this on Netflix? It's the big show at the minute. People are going...

It was in America first and now it's here. Women are going... It's on a book. It's based on a book. Why are you bumming six minutes in? What's the show? Is that a game show? It's two ice hockey players and their rivals.

They're both like... Oh, it's a drama? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was like a Love Island kind of thing. No, it wasn't actual porn. No. Like, why are they bumming six minutes in? But it's intense and it's horny.

That's how... Really horny. That's how I find Bakeoff. Especially some of the old... Sandy Talks. They're like... Paul. Holly, well, she's a handsome woman. Bake off sick.

Jorn. Mm. But yeah, I haven't gone. He always isn't all about being gay, is it? there's more to being gay than just glorioles. Yeah, I don't, I'm out my depth with that. I genuinely, outside of comedy, I don't think I have a single male gay friend.

So that's a weird, I don't get, I don't understand, I just don't know that world. When did you come out then? I came out to like my, my mates when I was 18, my mum when I was 21 and then my dad when I was like 22, I just couldn't be bothered telling him. Did she keep it on the, did she keep it?

I think it wasn't, ages actually maybe I'll get my timeline up there a bit she was like you need to fucking tell you dad but they weren't together at the time right right right yeah yeah she's like you need to tell you dad and then I was doing stand-up about it so I had to tell him it's just awkward in it oh clip going viral about you being gay and then that's how he finds out he sees that did he care no but then he made he re-tweeted he was pissed he made inappropriate jokes ruin the moment told my mum it's beautiful she's crying because she loves me so much tell my daddy goes you can stay here but you better not try and bum me

It's just found out. How progressive. Yeah. And then he also said, what, when I told him how tough it was, being in the closet for years, he was like, we didn't fuck you up, did we?

You know what I mean? It was all that. No, but the beans did. The beans made me gay. It's your daughter's brains. They made me gay. I saw that and I was like, ugh, women, no.

Imagine like the other way around of that. Like, your parents have always thought, thought you might be in, you say to your mum, by the way, I'm just saying, and she goes, well, you can stay here, but you're not bum me. This guy's bang out of order. I think he's...

Yeah. Yeah, he is. Sounds like a character. I don't believe it. Yeah, no, that's fine, but don't leave the door open. Yeah. Wait, sure.

I just don't understand the logistics of it. Is he... He's saying it's for anyone, so was he putting a call out, you know? Yeah, I don't think he's just leaving it to, like, some night crawlers to knock on. Yeah, I was going to say, what's this area?

But I don't know what, like, also how'd you do a call? Do you just sort of open the window and go like, hi-ya? Cock-aw! So I just play ABBA out the window? Yeah, yeah. In Toxia thought I'll work. He's basically, he's having an orgy essentially, isn't he? And he's not.

Also, question. A lonely one, back to Satsman. Is his cock in the hole? Is it there's? No, there's. Like, if you're all waiting on. No, no. No, his.

What? His cock is going through. There's a chair left out for the person to sit down and. Oh, that's. There you go, the chair. I think it's... Oh, I thought they were standing on the chair and putting their cock through it.

How tall is it? Oh, yeah, that could work. There's two holes. How do you want to play this? I just think, are people getting... I thinking he must be the one. He's the one sucking it and shit. Because otherwise, why he's...

What's the demand there? I don't think as many people are going to be coming to suck a cock, but, you know, get your cock sucked. I'm with him on that, yeah. I think it's air if you want your cock-sock and come around here, I think that's going to get you a lot more customers than any... They're not paying at this. It's like, you know, in the countryside where people leave, like, fruit and veg out

and there's just like a general... Like, what's it called, an honesty box? You just leave one of them up. Based on your experience. Like, you be a bit of both dog? Like, I want my cock sock now. I'm just still on the chair. But he's asleep, so he's no good there.

He's fucking knackered, isn't he? Because he's been sucking cocks all day. I actually, he looked like a farm one time. with an ex and they had little honesty shop. Oh, I thought this was going to be about glorials then. And the farm

fella, what's you call them? Farmer. Yeah. You got it. He accused me of robin eggs. Right. So it was one of those places. So it was like you stay on site

but you had your own kids. Not two pines. No. I just wanted to have a little check on. Like, you had your own kitchen and that today. It's how they get you. You know what I mean? They're like, oh, yeah, no, we don't do breakfast.

You can just make it own if you want. Oh, by the way, we sell all the breakfast stuff. And Robin Cuns. So he goes, yeah, it's just the honesty shop. Just go in, take what you need, whatever. So I took a pack of bacon and four eggs because it was me and me misses, two eggs each bacon, you know. And when we come to, like, pay at the end,

he's like, oh, I went out, what you have from there? I was like, oh, I had a pack of bacon and four eggs. And he was like, four eggs. I was like, yeah, four eggs. And he's like, oh, it's just, you know, we're missing eight. And I was like, well, it is fucking open and there, me, do I mean? And, like, I've paid, like, fucking about a grand to be here. You think I'm robbing for, you think I'm admitting to four?

So how much you put in the box? So some con is come and take him four eggs and gone, I'm not being honest. I don't think he's his fucking wife. There you go. It sounds a woman. I robbed a bit of cabbage. I loved a bit of cabbage in Japan. Oh.

That was an honesty system. I had to, so I would never rob from an honesty system. it feels icky. No, this was I was feeding Capabaras in their zoo. Oh. And there's a little thing and you left your money

and you took a cup of cabbage but this capabana just nailed the cabbage and his mate didn't get none. And I had no change so I just took another cup and give it to him and I thought

well, someone else going to feed them anyway. You know. In Japan, is that like four years in prison though? Because they're like... Probably, yeah.

I took a cup of cabbage and they're quite little as well aren't in Japan so that's a lot of cabbage to them. Yeah. I was like a lifetime's worth of cabbage to three people. Lifetime's not very long over there, though, because they all kill themselves.

One in three people in Japan committed suicide. And the cabibarers? What? I thought that's the end of the pod. Dan Tiernan is fucking brilliant at stand-up. If you don't follow him, he's knocking out some great stuff. So give him a follow-ed.

Can we follow you down? It's probably at Dan Tiernan. At-Ternan comedian. Ah, there you go. And he's on tour going to see him. Adam has got his tour on sale at the moment. moment, go and see him. He's one of the best in the game. Me and Carl have got our hip-hop night. That's on the 14th of March. And we round all of these off with a bit of audio music for the audio

listeners. Audio music. That's what we like to hear. I thought I did that. We're running low on songs again. So send them in Finn at have a wordpod.com. Some Irish hip-hop please. Again, I'm going to say, please don't send me like play the 1975. We cannot do that. So it's got to be like your band, essentially, so if it's your mate, get them to send it in themselves. Also, like, if you sort of like, oh, I'm on an R and, like, I don't know whether to send this in,

I don't know whether it's good enough. Some of the shite we've played, just send it in. Honestly, it'll probably get played. Over under, how many songs you've listened to that have been played at the end of the episode? Zero, it is zero.

3.5. Like, well under. What, two songs? And I've had six on here. This week is a young band there, they're like 18, and they are called Sound Check in the Alley. And this is their tune. Come on, go.

What are we doing? I love Asian lads. It's a good song. It's sinister that, I don't know. Yeah, it's indie rock. They're getting bummed by the sound tech, for sure. Allegedly. Has Dan got gayer and gayer is this episode.

It's almost like you held it in. while and went, no, it's all coming up. I was like, I've not said bummed enough. Let's get them in. So this is sound check in the alley, and this is their song, Mahom. M-A-H-O-N. Cool.

I love you guys. Bye. Bye. Funnage.