Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #369 with Alfie Brown - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: February 23, 2026

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the very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed. Get on me. Hello, everyone. Do you like my hair cut? Yeah. Nice one. Yeah. It's good.

Your hair's hair. Yeah, I got it shorter, you know. It was longer, but I got a cut. That's what all hair cut. This looks better as well. With Tash and a bit more beard, man. Yeah, yeah. I didn't.

Can't do that again. I really didn't like the... The Red Richardson. Yeah. I didn't like looking like him. He's a beautiful man in a Hispanic natural Libra sort of way. I'm trying to be in me Tom Selleke here.

That's what I'm going. Well, you're in it. Button up shirts and muzzies. Mustaches. That's what Tom Selleck's about, man. Have you stopped dying your beard done? No. It's looking a bit.

Needs to be dyed. Oh shit. I'm at that point already, I'm at. I'm trying to get the colour right so I don't look stupid. No, it looks stupid now. Just go jet black. Oh, it looks stupid now. No, because like the goatey is darker than the...

other sort of proverb. Just go Jeff Black on your just for men because then it'll blend into your glasses and it'll look like it's one big piece. I wonder how long the beard. I wondered how long the beard would. It had too much of an easy launch.

I wondered when it was going to turn and everyone was like, actually, fucking stupid. Love it looks good, but you let it slip. I've not let it slip. I've been trying to get the right tone. It's not through lacquer dying it.

I just can't. Oh, so you've been dying it loads? It can't be Jet Black, can it? No. It should be Jeppelach? No, it absolutely can't be. You look like Travolta? I'm a pasty, pasty.

Yeah, if you dyed your eyebrows as well, then it could be. I have died my eyebrows. Have you? Yes. Oh, I can't see him over your glasses. It's fucking busy. It's too much this. I don't know how birds do it.

Eye lashes. Just letting your head just exist is so much easier than fucking with it. I think you should go Jet Black. I think it should look like you've got a Chinese man's hair on your face. Nice. Could have gone Hitler. We went Chinese man. Is there any gingers in China?

Oh, there are any gingers in China? They're probably in a fucking camp. Yeah, naturally occurring. No. There's a lot of pop stars who go ginger, don't they like Chinese? Because they all look different because there's loads of them. C-pop. Yeah.

But I don't think there's any naturally occurring gingers in China. I mean, surely it's a numbers game, Carl. There's nearly two billion of them. There's got to be a few Chinese Jean-Jahars. Go on? Yeah? Yeah, there is. This guy?

Actually, though. Yeah, it does a lot of I don't think you want to be born ginger in China. There's probably like, you know what I mean? Some hoodoo about it. They probably get a foot chopped off of medicine or not. It's extremely rare, that's what they said. It's good.

It can look different. And, you know, with a lot of people, you want to be different, isn't it? Do you think we'll ever get to the stage where people are naturally born at, like, blue air? What is, if does that many women who die are blue? Well, no, I just think, like, would that be, would that be, like, a stage of evolution?

Not that like, oh, they've died it so much that it goes into their DNA, would there just be the odd. What's it? What's it? Why is it evolved? What's it useful for? That's just a freak. No, I'll see you're mates of festivals.

It's no. I bet that's freak. No, but that's evolution, isn't it? The things that become the dominant thing, they start off as just a freak birth. That's literally how it works. Yeah, but then they're useful, aren't they?

What's the use of blue heads? I think festivals. Don't give me. wrong, I don't think someone's going to be freakishly born with blue hair and then over the course of a thousand generations, kill everyone else off. I don't think it's going to be the dominant thing, but if someone was just

born with blue air, but I think we've had the same hair colours for the whole of human existence. Well, on our hair, it's all got a use, isn't it? It's that, like, people who live in harder countries have different, like, Finn's got different hair to us naturally because of where

his ancestry. He's got blonde hair. Do I mean the type of hair? Not like an afro, any. Of course. Yeah, because it's got to be thicker because, you know, where his people are from got more sun in the sky.

He doesn't look like anyone where he's from. This is a terrible example. His head is not the same as Adam's head. Fact. That's true. You know, I'm not arguing with that.

No, but his air feels different because, like, his country's sandy. Yeah, because... If you're from, like, Turkey, you get that air and if you're from, like, Crosby as well. Because Turkish nannas used grandchildren to clean dishes.

Is that an advert? Okay, imagine, yeah. As Hardy got Jay-Z's air. You've won the argument, Carl. So there's no thin-haired blonde? No, there's not, is there? No. And if it is, it's a weave, thin-haired blonde?

Yeah, there is. In Turkey? Oh, wait, in Turkey, no. I thought you just meant in general. People have got coarse hair because of their ancestry, and it's what, you know... I'm trying to link to... But my dad doesn't have this hair.

Yeah, why have you got that head? There you go. Carl's finally climb down. Maybe after real head, yeah. Real head? My mum doesn't have this hair. It's the sun center. It's the chlorine.

Yeah, but your mom's a woman, I think. It's natural. It's evolution because people in real, they fall over a lot and hit their head, so they need thicker hair. It's a protective thing. You know what I mean? Like a helmet for a kid. But people from different countries have different types of hair.

I understand, Carl. I totally get that. I just don't know why coarse blonde hair is necessarily a Turkish thing. What's the benefit for Chinese air being so thin? Because there's less barbers. There you go. And that's evolution for you. Because there's that many people, they're like, man, you can't have thick air.

Barber appointments are tough. Historically. Also, weak scissors. That's a well-known thing about the Chinese. Who do? Surely if there's more Chinese people, there's more barbers? No, I don't think it's physically possible to have no barbers for two billion, one. One point seven billion people, whatever it is.

Is that what they're at? I think maybe less. I think India's number one, isn't it? I think China's there's lots of barbers in India though I imagine you've all got also you've got to include

all the Chinese people all over the world like almost every city has a Chinatown almost none of them have an India town but none of them have got barbers in China town

do you ever see a barber in China town you fucking haven't me it's a fantastic point but you know you go to like you know like a black community there's lots of barbers there because it's part of their culture

Chinese people don't give a fuck about the barbers man yeah the Turkish do though exactly we love it yeah by the way there's Turkish barbers in town now that are open till like midnight that's not why you can have your hair cut

while you're not eating you just don't eat your hair when I was When I was staying in the Hope Street Hotel the other week I walked into town To pick my messers up from work And just I was early So I just went for a little wander down

Bold Street in that And there was like three Turkish barbers open And he was like quarter to 11 I was like what's going on He's like always open mid Oh you? You went in. Cutching head.

What's going on in here? Cutching head whenever you like it meant. No what I mean? Makes sense. Great. Yeah. I love it. It's like the late night coffee gaffes,

isn't it? Yeah, they've got dessert gaffes. Yeah. Great idea. Oh, they've got dessert. People who adhere to cultures different to ours. Right. They're money laundering schemes, aren't they?

No, people who don't go out drinking? The one on the strands heaving all the time. Yeah, but there is money laundered through Dubai chocolate, isn't it? No, it's not. No, they can't drink alcohol. Paddy, money laundering places tend to be, like, generally, quiet. And then their accounts look like they're busy. Cash only.

Yeah, but they've intended to be money laundering. They've got, this is a hit. There's some Asian guy going, oh, we have to keep buying cake. But, like, if it makes too much money, then they wouldn't be able to launder any money. Because then they'd be like, it's physically impossible for you to sell this many cakes.

Most dessert places are money laundering schemes, aren't they? No. No. Where have you got this in your head from with the dessert and the money laundering? That was the rumours in Sheffield when I was a uni there. No, it's where people who don't go out and drink alcohol, but their friends go and have a communal space. Palmeans, Muslims.

Yeah, I'm just not saying Muslims. All the creameries, they were all, and they all, because it's like 12 pounds for like Mr. Whippy. That was how they'd money laundered. What? Because it was like, if you bought one Mr. Whippy, that's like 12 pounds worth. I don't know how money laundering works,

but I know that they were. Okay, do you want me saying how money laundering? Yeah, so I've got a dessert. Right. So I've got a dessert place. There's fucking no one in there. There's maybe like two or three tables a night, right? But then I, with all the money I've earned from drugs and murdering people, right? An ice cream.

Which pays? No. Not on to do with, forget about them, right? All that money, I go, oh, right, I need to launder a million pound. So every day, for a hundred days, I go, oh, I earned a grand, like tonight selling cakes. That's underground gone through. The company. And it really fucks it off if you sell three grand of cakes on top of that.

Because... They lie about what they've earned and put them money they've earned nautily into the company. Yeah, but can they not lie and just say we made 10 grand? Like, say if they've already made three grand on cake. So most... Not if it's heaving. That's a good point to me. If it's heaving, the FBI are going to go bloody hell loads of people.

The FBI? Yeah, those people eat there. What people don't tend to do. what the government don't tend to do is go out, there's a new business open, go and sit outside for months and make sure it's busy. Like they just go, would it be

reasonable for that place to be making this much money? So like a good money laundering place. Let's say your absolute maximum. Let's say it's a restaurant, right? Let's say every single table. If every single table was full, every single day, like all night, and that company would make,

let's say it would make 10 grand the night if every table was full. Then if you're a good money laundra, you'd probably put five grand a nine through because you'd be like, oh, we're busy, but we're not fucking heaving, right? So if you put them five grand of your money through,

you then can only make five grand from the tables before someone who looked at it would go, hang on, this is a fucking 20 table restaurant, and he's making fucking 20 grand the night. That doesn't make any sense. And they also like the cash. They want a business where they can go, we made loads of cash because you can't trace it.

You know when you clean the money? Is that with like debt hole? Or how'd you do that? We're cleaning money now, Finn. You don't literally clean it. I thought you like sprayed it. Making money clean is putting it through, laundering it. Right.

Through a legitimate. See, I thought laundering. I thought it was a cleaning thing again. So you're going to start a money laundress. That is a laundrette. It's a metaphor, Finn. Again. Also,

A hundredth are great money laundering businesses. Yeah, unless you wash and clean actual physical money. Yeah. And then that looks suspicious. But having clean money is nice. I can't get my washing in. There's all these hundred dollar bills. But if anything,

like people who do this or stuff, want their money to look well worn. They don't want to love Brendan it. Like Batman. Smart. What about marked bills? That's Batman, yeah. No, you're thinking of Gordon, aren't you?

Commissioner Gordon. Ask your question? A marked bill, Mark bills, like if you rob a bank, some of the money, it's like, or all of them,

it says on it, like, this has been in a bank robbery or whatever. So then when you spend it the next place, people know. Yeah.

That's, no, it very rarely says this has been in a bank robbery because the bank robber would have to write that on himself, wouldn't it?

Yeah, but like, it says it in binary or something. No, so the bank notes have got, like, they're all numbered on the bottom.

So what the police will do is they'll look for them bank notes where they were spent and then they will find where the money is. That's not really a marked bill A marked bill is... But every note's marked.

Like, that's what I'm saying? That's my... But if the mark... It's just like an invisible ultraviolet thing and they would mark all the bills and be like, right, well, those marked bills were robbed.

So, like, we'll go and raid Harry's house because we think Harry was the mastermind behind it. And then in your house, they found a load of money and you go, hey, I got that money from me... Me postal job. And then they go, well, ultraviolet lights.

This says, Harry's an obbed. We've traced these bills. Oh, you've already knew. It's going to be you. Why do you know so much money, so much about, like laundering money?

You fucking keep your questions here, so. The purple sweet shop that you see around the country, that is the money laundering scheme. Yeah, and we all know it. Is it? It's 16 piling for a kind of Diet Coke.

You're going to come and buy some bonbons and Diet Coke, 400 quip, please. If a tourist will do that. There's one in, there's one here in the city center. No one's ever in there, and then everywhere. I'm not sure.

So yeah, I think people might be born with blue air one day. But you are, right? Like the initial sort of evolution thing is a freak thing, isn't it? That's why the answer to what came first, the chicken or the egg, the answer is the egg. What depends if you believe in creationism, doesn't it? No. Wait, that's been answered.

Chickens, not eggs? No, God definitely didn't make chickens. But I'm saying if you believe in creationism, he did. No, no. If you believe in creationism, you're not really, you haven't got a stake in a conversation about evolution of it. We're not talking about steak.

Hey. Nobody made chickens. He didn't go all the eggs. No, he didn't do any of it. I don't believe it. The egg came first because whatever laid, that egg wasn't a chicken.

Oh, I'm on your side. Crocodile. Yeah. It was like a duck crocodile, like bird. And then shits the egg out, chicken comes out. And that egg's like,

well, it tastes nice. And then he just shits an egg out every day and they're like, they're worth having them. That's making more of them. The chicken says it tastes nice. It's asking for it there. They're asking for it there. Don't live it.

Chicken population's dying out. They keep eating them. It's so delicious. When chickens discover scrambled eggs, it was a real threat to their population. Wales evolved, didn't they? Didn't Wales come on lands and then fuck back off into the sea?

I mean, we've had this conversation on the pod. But yeah. It's why they got blow holes in it. That's why they're mammals. Oh. I thought that was also the reason why they've got, you look in a whale's fin, they've got five things.

Yeah, because they were land animals. I've got five fingers. I don't remember us having this conversation. I didn't know that. Yeah, we absolutely had this conversation. I don't remember either. Five finger discount for the whales, man. So they've got like hands with fins on.

Yeah, big long, if you look at the bones, they're big long hands that they swim with. I kind of respect that from the whales, though, for them to come on land and go, this isn't for me, this. I like all of these. Just to, they weren't whales when they came out of the water and went, I don't like this, I'm going back in.

They were land creatures that started using the water more and gradually evolved into mammal. that swim. But we all started in the sea, didn't we? Way, way before that. Yeah, so whales have technically walked out the water, stuck around for a couple of hundred thousand years. The Cambrian explosion.

Yeah, and then gone, be asked with this. I'm going, I'm going swimming. I'm taking my hands back in the sea. Got these now? This is 50 to 55 million years ago. Is it the Cambrian explosion? The what? Type in the Cambrian explosion.

The Cadbury explosion. Cambrian Cadbury. What's a Cambrian? explosion? That's when it happened. No, that's 540 million years ago. When all the whales were arms. But that is when...

Whoa! What's the Cambrian explosion? Is a relatively rapid evolutionary event marking the appearance of most major animal phyla in the fossil record. Basically gone and then there was animals. So it's the biological Big Bang is what they call it.

Oh, it's when it really kicked off. Yeah, yeah. But whales... Wales were originally fox-sized when they were on land and they've evolved from an animal. Oh God. Is this problematic?

Go for it. Take it. Spell it. Spell it. Say it. Say it now. Spell it. P.A.

K-I-C-E. Wow. Wow. Wow Just don't say two syllables Or like that as in like No you just need to say it fast don't you

Say it fast go on Packacetus There you go Yeah don't say Yeah yeah yeah Right Pacacetus So how have they ended up so big

Oh because they got in there And the smaller ones kept getting eaten by sharks and shit I'm guessing so Yeah Or maybe they just like well, like, no one can really see us under here. Let's just put some weight on. Oh, they did it for status.

Everyone thinks we're maggots. No, I think, like, when they were on land, they're walking around. Everyone's looking at them going, oh, they're quite nice looking at them. And they, like, kept themselves in shape. And then they've got in the water and no one's looking at them. They're like, fuck it. Where's the water time?

Oh, it was just like letting themselves go. No, they're just like, fuck it. I'm the size of a fucking whale. Just let her go, girl. Fucker. We used to be Pachocetis, now we're Wales. Carl, stop having fun. Too much fun.

But that took 8 million years to go from land to water. See, we wouldn't see that. Start to finish. No. No, you're right, Carl. It's spot on there. I think we should go to an Asian cake shop. What?

I think we should try it. I think Asian cake. With the whales? Yeah, a Muslim cake shop. I think we should go and try. Oh, God. Oh, I've been on. Sorry, if I, I should have screeched myself.

Yeah. I've been a few times. It's just made me want cake. It's dead nice. What's Asian cake? I actually don't rate the cake as much as British cake. But I don't, I think that might just be Turkish cake. Turkish cake's bad.

Like they used to give it us on our birthday, we'd be like, haven't you even got a nostalgia for it from when you were on your nan's patio? That sounded like I was being a dick, but she does have a sort of like. You're right. You're right. Yeah, but I remember the cake being awful.

I have the nostalgia for the, people and the being able to show off. But the actual cake was back. I have nostalgia for visiting your nannas. It was so nice. It was such a wholesome surprise, 45 minutes of my life watching how doting and loving your nana was. And we all sat there going, well, miss my nana.

It was fucking great. Is that the experience you had? Yeah, before you turned up, it was really wholesome. Oh, I felt like she ate it all of us. No, it was a really nice. No, it was really nice. fucking all these people on my fucking patio, mate. Don't even want my scram.

We did want the scrum. I was eating the scram. I mean, I ate meat. You did eat meat. Well done. What, so what? Don't Asian should eat like cheesecakes in there? Wait,

is the different cakes inside these? I think we need to go and do some sort of cultural attache work and go and find out what's going on at these cream. I think you're going to be very overwhelmed. Yeah. It's honestly just like, you know, you know, just imagine you went to like a pub and then you'd add two courses and you're like, oh, I couldn't eat another thing! Get me home! Then they come over and go,

do you want to see the dessert menu? That little menu they give you? It's just that, but fucking massive. No? What? It's just a dessert menu at the... Like, it's just a restaurant that just does desserts. There's not unspecial.

It's just... It's maybe got like twice as much as, like, your normal place because they've got the capacity, because all they do is dessert. Imagine a pub did no pies, but they did lots of cake and ice cream. And this is just because you can't... go on the piss so

late night cake is the option. No, well, I think... I mean, it makes sense. I haven't been boozing. Late night cake sounds great. I think what initially happened was I think someone was sat, you know, maybe in someone's kitchen,

four o'clock in the morning, chiseled off his head and he's like, lads of a fucking restaurant, yeah. But do you only do ice cream and that? Oh, you'd go dear, wouldn't you? Because you'd feel a knobhead going into a restaurant to me and I can't just have a cake? So why don't we open somewhere where you can just have cake in that, lad?

These aren't the Muslims, are they? No. No. They come later. Right. So I think... Don't you dare. Don't you,

please. No, Muslims are the last iteration of the thing, aren't he? It's Jews, Christians, Muslims, chronologically. Yeah, that's not where my head was. Is that like, Snapcrackle and Pop? Yeah?

So he's like, let's go, let's fucking... Like, let's get... Like, go, come on trying to stand and that, las. I'm fucking non-de-grind off piece of yoms and the open vizers. I don't know a cake shop. But it's open until 4 like 2 a.m.

She's gonna have a whole key after 4. So we... I've been in these kitchens as well. It's pretty good. For someone who's never really been part of the culture, that's not far off. I've got a fucking idea. The thing is, though,

I have been part of the culture. I've been around the people and I just drink as late as you guys do on Coke. I just do it with just alcohol because I can just go and go and go because I'm built different. Anyway, so he opens his cake shop. and he's like,

what, this is a fucking sick this. And then on like week three, he's like, fucking hell, Billy, there's a lot of mussees going in,

isn't all that. Because he's controversial. We would say Muslims. I don't really know why that's a problem. It's just a shortening, is it? Isn't it not a problem?

It's not a slayer, is it? No. Muses? I mean, we've used it enough. I think it's fine. It'd be a wild time to go,

hey, we're going to line that up as problematic right now. now. If you walked into John Lewis when there's loads of musies in here, I think someone to go. Yeah, because that sounds like you've got an issue

with, like, it's the tone, that's the problem rather than the way, does it? Oh, there's loads of mussy in here. Yeah. And they're buying our cake which buys our Coke. Let's have some more ideas. It's just a shortening.

Yeah, I don't think what I, I don't think Muslims have like turned up in city's ends and gone, right, 45,000 cake shop, please. I think what's happened is the growth of those places has given people who don't like the traditional British nightlife somewhere to go.

So they go there and they go to late-night coffee shops. Archie's. Do you love Archie's? Yeah, but that's again, that feels... So I think Archie's is like a dessert restaurant that does some food. Yeah, I agree. Do you know.

It looks like one from the outside as well. Yeah, but the food's nice. Yeah, but it's all about the milkshakes, in it? Yeah, yeah. But, my head is milkshakes and cakes and, like, ice cream and that. Like, you've underestimated the menu of that, the one on the strand. It's a big.

The menu is multiple pages. I mean, in my head, I'm like, if you have a cake restaurant, a cake and ice cream restaurant, you're going to, you're going to, like, fill out the menu, aren't you? There's, there's, yeah, and there's a dessert tapas. That's what's caught my eye. Wow. Let's go, Dee. Just to like four or five different mini dessert.

It's so funny, if that's just a bag of Harryville, come they just empty it out. They do macarons? Do you like them, don't you? I really do. Oh, I've got someone else would brought to me for you. Soft little sweet cakes. Does it get busier during Ramadan,

I imagine so? Yeah, when the sun sets. But it's actually easier for Muslims in the UK, isn't it? Because the sun rises and sets. Oh, by the way, if you're a Muslim living in the UK

that observes Ramadan, what a touch it is to have it right at the end of winter. Because it's been in July. Yeah. It's this, this is one of the easiest Ramadans you are going to... What if you're in Muslim in Iceland?

but luckily I don't think there are any that's why I go to Iceland Muslims yeah there's no Muslim yeah because I imagine Jordan I'm sure there's Muslims everywhere

but it's not a famously Muslim community is it the Icelandic Muslims unless I'll be happy to go oh yeah that's right 500,000 there's fucking not does it move around like Easter is it to move it moves around it's moving backwards

isn't it towards winter we did this a couple of years ago yeah it's going on it's gone backwards in the So in a few years it will be back in the middle of July. So a middle of July, Ramadan is a fucking nightmare. I've just gone to search Ramadan and my history on Google says Ramadan 2035. I don't think I'd already searched that. I think it was December. Sure, it was December. It was November. Will it ever get to the point where there's two in one year? Like January and December? Because it goes back by a month to year after. That's possible, isn't it? That's a good point. That's surely possible. But one day it'll be on Christmas, won't it? Oh, there's gutting for the Muslims. Yeah, no, because they love.

One day it'll be on Christmas. Well, surely. Like, Eid will be on Christmas? Well, sure. That is possible, isn't it? Yeah. That'll be like an East Enders' Corrie crossover where they're all in it together.

It'd just be one big celebration across the country. Dirty Denning, Ken Barlow going on the ale, mate. Yes, or not the ale. 2032, it's the third of December to the, to New Year's Day. That, that's a bit, when's, 232? When is it? That's a big year, that. It's in six years.

No, that's a big year. That'll be like omnibus levels of entertainment for the Christians and the Muslims. See if they'll put, like, I think they should see if they'll put Honika there as well. Moving up, man. Honourkechre is always there, in it? No, November, isn't it?

I thought it was like... I thought it was like... I thought it was like... It's like 14 days, Honokka, though, in it? No, seven. It's still a lot, in it. So, say you are like a Muslim of faith, and you live in northern Norway,

you've really wandered off. I've looked for Iceland. There's 3,000. There's 3,000 Muslims in Iceland. Hardcore. If you are northern Norway, you're out there, you cannot observe, you'll starve in a summer Ramadan.

What's the sunset to sundra? Do you have to do that thing where, you know, like people have got a birthday on Christmas Day. If you're born on the 25th of December, they pick another day in the year and go, I'm having my birthday on that day. do you just have to go, I'm going to observe

the daylight savings of another country? Maybe just go somewhere else for a month. That's not easily done, is it? There's cars and planes, aren't there? What's that place in a...

You know the film Insomnia with Al Pacino? Do you know that film? I vaguely remember it. It's a... The plot of the film is Al Pacino is a very good detective and he has insomnia.

He doesn't sleep ever. And there's been a mayor there, I think. Does he write things on himself or something? That's Momento. That's a different film. There's been a mayor there. There's been a mayor where the sun never sets. And it's like, why don't we sell Nal Patino?

Because he doesn't sleep anyway. So they send him to the place where the sun never sets to solve the murder. Yeah, when everyone goes to bed? What? Isn't it just him away? The sun never says. though because people still go to bed no people are like people like everyone just walks on

2 a.m like it's midday yeah they sleep they sleep for the winter they hibernate like theirs i think people up there because it's a real place people just do what they want it's like there's like there's no time no but people do have to sleep though don't they yeah yeah but like they just sleep like like some people are sleeping like when we sleep and some of them sleep you know 10 a m till four doesn't make a difference to them have you seen the fellow who said he changed his days so he has three days and one yeah oh it's might be the best clip ever made. Have you ever seen her? Oh, he sleeps like he's on a submarine?

No. Like he just does four hours, wakes up for four hours. He ends his day after four hours and then starts tomorrow when he goes, I'm three days at you. In five years, I'm 15 years. No, so he goes to sleep for four hours, wakes up for four hours. No, no, no, no. I can't really remember it, to be honest. He's like one of these fucking like supplement life coach bros. You'd probably follow him now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If he's got a bunder, yes.

But he's on a podcast. and he's going, he goes, he goes, yeah, you know, like I just, I think it's fucking mental how people just conform, you know, to the idea that you only get one day in 24 hours. He's like, I don't do that. My first day starts at 6am and goes till noon. That's one day, okay? And then my second day starts at noon and goes till 6pm.

That's two days. And then my third day goes from 6pm till midnight, three days in one day. What I've done now, I've changed and manipulated time. I now get three days. every day. I get 21 days a week. Stack that off over a month.

I'm going to beat the shit out of you when you're just having one day a day. Stack it up over the year. Your toast. Stack it up over five years. My whole world's different to what it would have been otherwise. And so many people have like stitched the video

because he's obviously an idiot because someone just goes, well, I start my day at 6pm and my first day is 6 p.m. And then I'm just like, there's one day. Then next one's 601 to 602. Another day, what I've done now is changed and manipulates the time.

I now get 60 days every hour and stack that up over the day I'm going to be shit at him. He also guys this day when everyone's just at home not doing a day. I'm having a day. We're just at home in the bath.

He's not doing anything, is he? Unless everyone does that. No, he says he's being more productive. No, but you have to be productive with the rest of the world. The banks are closed or like the... You could do stuff on your laptop. You can be productive on your own.

The guy's name is Ed, Ed, I think I'm just going to put three days a day guy. Yeah, yeah, that's what I did in a farmland. Does he have three breakfast, three lunches and three teas? Because he's going to be a big fat fuck, isn't he? Does he says tomorrow or five to midday? He goes, yeah, tomorrow I'll sort that. And then one o'clock comes down.

He's like, yeah, I'll box that, no. He's a lizard. Yeah, I have seen the club. He looks like he needs to, uh... By the way. Take about 21 days off. Three hundred years. He goes, you're crazy thinking it takes 24 hours.

was just like some dude in a cave did 300 years ago. He thinks in 1726 there was cavemen. Yeah, but if you go by his, there's that many days in a week. Gave you to answer by three, he's probably right.

I bet he's a great pint. He says yesterday when he was ridded that morning. The soft swat. We're having a night out. I can't give you a whole day. Sorry. Now he gets three nights out a day.

It's three lots of last orders. Not bad. Blake time. Let's have a little thing about that over our seven-hour break. Welcome back. Welcome back. I just can't listen to these two blues talk about my beloved Everton like this. Seems a bit tetchy.

You cut your calories? No, it's just because we've got an allotted amount of time for lunch. And Stee and Carl love winging about the strikers that play for Everton. And I'm fine with that. I'll listen to an hour of it in Tanzania. I cannot listen to any more of it when we, are already up against it time-wise. Can you check the Nasdaq, see if it's gone down.

And the Nasdaq's down. Dan's hungry for Nasdaq. We go to Nasdaq. It's so dull. It's kind of interesting for a bit, as a blue. You're the one carried it on. Yeah. We've been drawn to the NASDAQ.

Which is, how's it doing tonight? How's the Dow Jones? It's up? Yeah! I'm back, baby. It's up. 0.78. Things are looking good.

he already knows he knows he is the NASDA he's the reason it's gone he manipulates he's the new Epstein silly comedy Jeffrey Bondi oh these are yours I'm gonna have to do that

okay do it again because we were bickering bitch bitch Where's come Do you know the name Bondi Beach after Bondi Because he owns her

Strong Where's come Nate drummer bass is my go to Now Is it Bondi or Bondi I fucking love it. Bondi. Why did the name

it Bondi then? Just for like... That's just the accent, isn't it? Australian... Bondi. Oh, that Bondi? It's called Bondi's Beach. You just don't use the S normal.

Right. How are you spelling it in your head? It's with an eye, but we know it's not. It's what? Bondi. But obviously his name's Tim Bond. How are you doing... Bondi, your friend is in the wife

with a beach with an eye. Yeah, but every... Because of Pam Bondi, anytime anyone does this banter now, it's with an eye. Yeah, yeah. In my head, it's an eye. Is it? Yeah.

Yeah. It's Bond eyes with an AI. Yeah. It's Bondi AI. If you use an AI to manipulate the markets? So his name's Bond, Tim Bond. The name is Tim Bond. Tim Bond.

Tim Bond. We got bored of that at school. within, by the end of year seven. We wouldn't. Really? Not a chance. Every time he walked in like, you'd be going, dun dun,

dun, nin, nin, then, dun. It got dull so quick. Who was Bond when you were at school? Con, Con, do you want to? What's the, what? What's the one in, Brosnan, won it in the 90s?

Was it? Broznan's in the late 90s. Yeah, Brosnan and Daniel Craig are my bonds. No, I see it. Brodham. I've never watched one. I only watch one, I don't respect them. The best ones. No, like, don't they really well-made films, though? Yeah, yeah. I've seen, I've seen the latest one. It was great.

But I'm not massively into him as Bond. I think appears Brosnanum as more of a Bond. I think he's the 90s Bond, didn't he? Your Bond, Dan, for school is Timothy Dalton. What year? 986 to 1994. Oh, okay. Tea Dog, T, T, Dalton. What was Brosnan? So, hang on. You had a made called Tim Bond. At the time, Bond was called Tim. And he didn't last. What year was Brussels, though?

95. All right. I was still at school in 95. As much as you don't believe me. He was born in 81. He was 40 in 95. Also, I feel like Roger Moore, because he was on, like, Bond was played on ITV loads on like a Saturday afternoon.

Roger Moore feels like my childhood bond. He was born until 1985. Yeah, so you're a child of Bondly. Because it was, that was the real... Toddler Bond. I wasn't going to the cinema to watch Bond. Cinema. Cinema.

Roger Moore feels like my childhood bond. The grease. When was Connery then? He was like almost a joke, wouldn't it? Back in the Black and White guys on it? Bond three times, doesn't it? When was first Connery? Was he like the 60s?

1962. Wow. Was he like a caretaker bond? Yeah. And they couldn't get one in. He was out of Ram, Connolly in. Go and get Sean Connery in.

Saladice. Sam Connery. From Muslim cakes to James Bond. This is textbook, have a word. We've got a load of silly questions. John Mack says, Afternoon, boys, would you rather every loaf of bread in the world be entirely the crust, end piece,

or a completely crustless loaf? Every piece be the end piece? Not a chance. Crustless? Crustless? Crustless all the way. The end piece is goaded? It's good for dipping in tomato soup.

I'll give you that. It's the best piece for toast. I don't want to Chris Butte you with Just crust. Are you mental? It took about an hour to eat it. It's just a balm. It's just a bar, man. It's just a long barm.

The end bit is good for dipping and stuff. It's not good for the, you know, your regular piece of bread. It's a great sandwich, but I do agree with you. You just want one side to be that and the other side to be breadbreadbread. I think I want a loaf with three end bits at each end. The loaf finishes when the end bits are the only ones left in the bag. Yeah. I bin them M-Bits. Oh, you're a fucking...

I must have been so much bread over the years when I put the end-bits in the bin. Unless I'm having tomato soup, get him over, but they? Yeah. It's the best for a piece of toast. I tried it for the first time, the last time we had the conversation

and I don't get the fuss. I've never... I've always been like... Did you get one of the gnarly... I don't get the fuss. Did you get one of the gnarly, like, thin ends? Or did you get one with a bit of... No, he had a bit of meat on it.

I put it in the toaster. Did you just say gnarly as an adjective? you know, like, as in, as in, when it's got no white bit bread, it's just literally like, the crust, it's not, it's like a thin one. Shit. And then sometimes you get like an end bit

with a bit of bread on it. When I take, when I open the, so I open bread, I open the bread, and I take like the first four pieces out. Because they're fresher behind. No, they're haunted, aren't he? Yeah. And if you, he's hit the ghost lives inside you someone.

The two N-bits may as well be jokers in a pack of cards. They are useless. Just chuck them immediately. don't eat them. No, like the rules. You never chuck them though. No, they don't actually chuck them,

because it was hyperbald. But they defend the bread. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I'll take them out and I get the fresh piece and then put it back. Yeah. And then that's slowly...

But you never eat it? Only of them having tomato soup. That's what it's there for. It's tomato soup bread. It's great for the sandwich, you know? Do you think it's too much, man? I don't like eating crust, either. They make crustless bread.

They make it? No, because it's got a crust on it still. No, they're not. It doesn't. It's still a bit hard round the edge. Yeah, you're absolutely right. You're having tiny sandwiches with that, aren't you? It's just one bite and stature.

Kind of fucking nonsense. You can't have crusts on your bread. Makes your hair curly? No, I can have crusts on my bread. I prefer a bread with crust on. I'm not eating the crust than a crustless bread. You know, in this would you rather? Does that mean that baguettes are just like the sharp end bits?

Because my, like, my gums just bleed. That is hard to eat it. Yeah. The end of a garlic bread can't put you in a bottle. No, boss. You should be making you gum. Berm's bleed, that's gum disease, honey. It's a bit of both.

Because I always think that the end bit's going to be great, and then, like, I bite into it, and it's just, like, shards of glass. Yeah, if you eat the end of a garlic bread, you go on yoursy. If I make a sandwich with a baguette, I do cut the ends off, and I just make it like a cut off. It's the wasted of it. Really fresh French bread, though, the end is, like, a bit of a treat. Unless you've got ginger vitus.

And then it's a bit of a challenge. Here's a highfalutin. Would you rather, From Cameron, would you rather grow a pair of double D tits just as you are right now, or your dick disappears for the rest of the year? Oh, you need a dick, man. Tony Feb. Can I tell me why the tits are there?

Yeah, you're allowed to you. Oh, well, then I'll have to tits. The tits there forever? No, just the end of the year, sure. They're both just there to the end of the year. Oh, the tits are permanent. Looks like the tits are permanent. See, that's not worth it.

Oh, we'll just get an Angelina Jolie done, chop them off. Oh, you could be a plight of. up a curl nail model. Yeah, I think you're forgetting how boss tits are. But I don't mean they're boss for you, are they? No, but imagine how sick you'd be like the androgynous model with tits. Like I'm a man, yeah, but I've got tits. I mean, some men do have tits, but these are like, you're in good shape and you've got a

cracking pair of... No, men have like lumps of fat on their chest, don't they? Occasionally, some of those lumps of fat look like great tits. Yeah, but I mean, they never boobs, are they? You never see a fellowman. I've never seen a fat man on top. I've loved some mous about him, ever. Is that not the context of the fat man connected to them?

I don't know. I think a great pair of wazos on a fella. Like, it could distract me. I mean, but we've, we literally saw this on the special that's out on Friday. We saw a man with a great pair of tits. You deserve this. Mm. Mm.

Smooth. So the special that's out Friday, Dungeons and Dragons. there was a man, one of the men in this room. I mean, the trailer will already be out, won't it? Is it? Yes. Harry had a cracking pair of it. It was so empowering.

So did you enjoy it? And would you keep them? I would, they were too pointy. I would have... They were too close together? Yeah, and they were like cannons. Like, I want rounder, like, I don't know. Like, we were in bed last night, me and Ellie,

and Ellie just holds on to her tits. Just for like, like, like how you. You know how like men like stick their hand down the box and just like touch the bollocks? She just like just like the older one. That's a unique thing. I've never known a woman to do that. What she lies there at Washington tell you?

Just grab in her tit. Not always. Like I sit on the couch like in hands and be bollocks. Absolutely. Oh, just a cup of the balls. They'll never understand why it's so reassuring. Does she sit there like that? No, no.

So just one. Like she's in a wall for a free kick. And she's we watch. Pledge and Allegiance. Yeah, she was just like holding a tit. Or America. Which is America, in it? Well, the Nazis start there and then they go up, don't you?

No, Tate. Sky. What? What have you got? What have you got the... MacDee Saludes? That? They do that, don't they?

They do it? Pledge in allegiance is a very American. No, I'm doing like the crop duster, but they... It's the hand on the chest and then... Woo! De Lawn Mosque. Yeah? It's...

Because the Natty badge is there, isn't it? So what's you doing? Is she pledging leads into the Nazis or America? we've not got that she was still you need to ask Harry in the pledging part when I left the room

though she could have Were you watching American history Yeah doing it in a Bayern Munich's Hobbs risky by the way We were watching Homeland And that's pretty like You know It's the anti America

Yeah Yeah the first season is The second season is that Um but yeah no I'd love a cracking parrot but they'd have to be like that although

they're heavy They're heavy man like when women talk about like oh my back hits like I felt it as I was going on like yeah you've got like a backpack on your front on all the time yeah and they were chafing I'm not sure if that that wouldn't happen do they not do they not rub if they like swing a little bit I mean mine were chafing because mine were attached around my back

oh yeah if you've got double-d tits out of absolutely nowhere you've got to go marks and spensers and get your bras got bras it's going to be a very expensive couple of weeks men inventive and then you need sports bras you need sports bras you need sports bras because you've got to fucking pack them in and tit tape that's like mad. That's if you wear

a dress that you don't want to wear a bra. Yeah, but I don't think you need tit-take, are you? Unless you're going to start wearing dresses to show off your massive coat. Not corks.

He wore tits-taic once and it was like scaffolding. No, tit-tape is if you don't want to wear a bra and you want to wear a dress and show your boobets. I might,

I might start wearing them out. It was empowering. The men invented bras, didn't he? We were like, put them in a little sling. What do you mean? It was a man who vented bras.

Wasn't a woman going, and I need this. it was a male invention yeah but they obviously worked to a certain extent don't they because I think women would be like well listen he invented it we've got to keep wearing them if they didn't want to wear them they'd be long gone wouldn't they

no it's a good invention yeah it's like women invented footy boots yeah they didn't use them it's like England invented football and they were not good at it I couldn't lose my dick for the rest of the year it's half the fun would you have the female genetail or would you be like Barbie

you're proper like GI Joe Ken To be honest, but yeah, like, if I don't, if I lose my dick, do I lose the sexual ages? Yeah. Oh, well, they're fine. I'd get more done. You'd have three days in a day. Yeah.

Stacked it up over a year, man. I would get more done if I didn't have a car or like the, you know, sometimes I'm just going about me down. I'm like, oh, I need to go and come. What? You don't need to piss? You, do, does that, is that how you, or take you, you don't ever go, I feel a bit horny. You actually have the thought, oh, I need to go and come. They're different things, though.

releasing the vein is different to wanting to come in a woman. I have never heard the phrase releasing the vein. Wow. That sounds like a smackhead thing. Yeah, like being horny and needing to come and not the same thing. They're in the same ballpark, no? Yeah, but so's pizza and pasta. You're right.

You're right. Yeah. Sometimes it just needs, especially if you're hung over, it's just you need to get it out, don't you? Do you mean? But it's not, that's, you don't, you're not caught classing that as horniness. You just, that's, you just need to, sorry, what's the phrase? Release the vein.

Yeah, nice. The way I can describe it to you, it is, like, if the bin's full, you have to take the bin out. It just needs to go. But sometimes, you just potter and you think, oh, no, I'm taking the bin out. No, it's not. Even though it's not full yet. It's been nice. I, take the bins out of things.

That has got to be a bad analogy. When have you ever gone, you know what? Got a bit of free time. The bin's only half full. Just going to take it out. No, no, no. I think he's close to the analogy. I think it's like, sometimes you'd be like,

I'll go and I'll collect the bins from the house and I'll put them all in. You'll fill the bin. That bin's full. Or like, whoa, shit, that bin's full. Like, yeah, I can take that. So in this analogy, are you filling yourself with cum? You go right?

No, no, no. You're filling your horny bar, like on a video game. You're like, I'll make, I'm getting hornier. And then you come. Don't you hate taking the bins on Friday night? I've been one of yours. and the bin isn't full, does my fucking heading.

I'm like, I've wasted half a bin there. No, but you haven't wasted half a bin there? Sometimes I like taking it half full bin out. Are we still talking about coal? We got way too far into this analogy. You know, if... Sometimes you just want to go to the bin with your misses. Take a half a full bin out.

Because it's easier to tie. It's easier to carry. It's lighter. It's not going to break. Yeah? Just feels like I have wasted bin. Sometimes your bins get knocked over and that's jizz everywhere. What?

You know if cutting the bollocks off increases, your like productivity. Why don't more places hire, like, reformed paedophiles? I thought you're going to say dogs. Sorry. There's so many more questions than what you would ask him for him. Dogs too, but they don't have thumbs, whereas paedophiles do. But, like, reformed paedophiles, they give them, like, meds to, like, make the

bollocks up work. Chemical castration. Yeah. Chemical castration. So, like, surely they're great at, like, I don't know. Yeah, but it's a stigma, isn't it? Is chemical castations still a thing? I think.

I think I this is just and this is on instinct I think if a company starts hiring on mass convicted and reformed paedophiles under the guise of they're more productive because their balls don't make any come yeah John have you been ironing paedophiles they're good workers mate

I think people will start to ask questions if you had to make one sector or like one like workplace filled only with paedophiles what's the best place for them do you Refuse, binmen. Old people homes? Because then they're not going to fuck,

they're not assed. They're just like, I don't give a phone. I want to fuck anyone. That's it. To be honest, surely you could just skip the chemical castration.

Exactly. You don't even have to be a reform paedophile. You could be an active paedophile and work at an old people's home and it's still not a problem. No, it's because they've got grandkids who come and visit and like, oh, fuck them. That's well thought out.

It's just an idea. I'm not being the ambassador for, Hiring paedophiles. You know, they deserve a chance to. A chance at what? Wrecking all people's hands? I honestly thought you were about to say

working at Alton Towers then. These rides are working well. Well, let me tell you. No, there's loads of kids there as not. My God, we've got to get off it. Reform being the opposite word, though. Reformed means convicted,

like they've fucked children, blow their heads off and buried them at sea. No, reformed. means they're no longer paedophiles. Like they've been fixed. No, it's once a pedo, always a pedo, isn't it? It's like West Ham.

Yeah. I'm forever blowing children. It's disgusting, no. Blow their heads off and put them in the sea with Bin Laden. Don't let them work at Alton Towers. That would upset the Muslims.

What? Muslims don't support Bin Laden. Sorry, I apologize. He did a lot of besmeer. the good Muslim name. That would upset people who are fans have been Laden. Like, why is he

getting by the Peterfamil? Oh, fucking though. Yeah, but their fans have been Laden, so I wouldn't worry about... I don't care. They care, I said. Yeah. But they're...

But they're in ISIS. No, Al-Qaeda. Yeah, you're right. Bit like pizza and pasta. Same ballpark. We're going to do some manplay. Oh, do I pay as a man of a touch and yourself?

If you're enjoying this episode, sign up. Patreon.com slash have a word pod for an extra episode every week. Early release of the public episodes. And also the specials, one a month. We've got the massive back catalogue from as little as £3 a month. Join the massive lid army. I think the Dungeons and Dragons on this out Friday was maybe my favourite record we've ever done. I think this is actually a lot of people's favourites.

even if you're not a fan of D&D. You are going to... Honestly, the stigma around D&D, there's no two people on the planet who've been more in on that than me and Carl. If you'd have asked me, like, would you play Dungeons & Dragons like 10 years ago?

I'd been like, Woff, the gay goth game. But honestly, it was quite good. Gays and Gough, no other do, man. I went in... I knew Sloss had made a lot of effort with it. I had some reservations about how it would play out. It was so fun. Yeah.

It was so fun to be involved in. I hope that comes across in the special. Well, Harry's been edited and it says it does. It looks so far. And we're already planning part two because we're so convinced you're going to love here. Locking the next one in.

And Daniel Sloss, literally one of the biggest comedians on the planet, writing a full fucking thing for us coming down, hosting it. What a boy. There was a point as well where I could see the joy in his face because we were getting involved with the game how he wanted.

Like at one point, I made my character do something. And just before, I decided, I weighed it up. And when I decided to do what I did, his face lit up with excitement. Like, he's so into it. Like, it was so fun to be involved in,

but to have Sloss, give a shit and make that much effort. And like, he had such a good time with it. The D&D special is out on Friday at 6pm, like all the specials. Don't ask. It's always 6pm on a Friday. Man plays. If you've got a manplay, send it into have a word pod at gmail.com.

Andy Sims says, I don't know how these are going to go. Man play, when putting on your bed in after it's been washed, I thrash it around like a ball boy waving the giant Champions League ball in the centre of the centre circle before a game. Yeah, I like that. I like putting Wally in the middle of it as well. You'll enjoy it. Have you actually made putting on the bed sheets fun?

Yeah. Because it's one of my least favourite things to do. That awful feeling when you've washed your bed sheets and then you're getting close to bedtime and remember. If you double team, though, is still in the washing machine. It's so much easier. I tell you what, that is true, but, yeah. Here's a question for you then, because I sort of agree with you.

Right. If you could, there's one chore, like taking the bins out, changing the bed sheets, dishes, whatever, there's one chore that you can just go, and it's not like a little person comes and does it for you, it's just done. It doesn't have to be a little person. It could be a big, a big person. Yeah, whatever. No one's doing it.

All right. Right. So you just, blah. And it's just done. Whenever you want, one chore, you can get rid of it from your whole life. A chore, you never have to do it again. Right.

Laura never has to do it again either. So think about that. What? Because you might want to, you might want to be selfless. No, it's not selfless. Because the one that Laura hates doing,

I imagine she makes you do it. This is the bedsheets, she won't do it. I don't mind. I rate up mine bedsheet. You get the gift of New Bedding. What do I pick? Yeah, would you get,

like what would you just eliminate from them? Does raising my children? children count as a... It's hard work day-to-date. No, I want to do the fun stuff. We're like, yeah, let's go and do this. Yeah, it's sound. It could be like, you know,

changing Jack's nappy. He is just about to turn five and hasn't had a brain injury. He's, he's pooing. He's on his own. Is he pooing in his pants? Still? Like, does he ever go, I've pooed me pants?

I want to go, no man, he's nearly five, but when you're at that age, Like I have done it. I've pooed my own pants in the last few years. Like, it's, it's... Pooed your own pants. Excuse me. Have you pooed your pants since we've been in this pod?

You, I've shot it. Oh, you've... Oh, yeah. I did it on a locket. Other than that, though. Right, and just, I just mean a shot. Like, you know, when you're a bit off, there's something wrong. I've, like, every two or three years,

there will be some bum-based dilemma where I have a little... Oh, are we all... I thought I thought I'd... I thought I'd... I've done it on Killy, but I hadn't. I've got to lose a sarsole in this room, and I haven't paid myself. It's a fucked.

I think there's a stigma if it's a full turd. Do I mean? Like, if it's solid, there you go. Just, just to clear this up, I haven't released a full shit into my, I haven't gone, oh, it started, so I have to finish. Like, Mastermind.

No, but, you know. Mastermind. Yeah, he does. Occasionally, he will, like, he's, he's gone, he's left it too late, needing a poo. Like, he's absolutely,

against the buzzer, sort of like, he waits until it's go time. And then he's got halfway to the toilet, started pooing and gone, oh, shit, I've started pooing. And then gone back into the living room and gone, I've pooed. And Laura's quite rightly gone.

Why have you come back into the living room? Where would you have to be? To just poo. Toiler? In your pants. Oh. Like, what situation? Like, where you're far enough away?

Where would you have to be Where you're just like, it's coming And there's nothing I can do. And you're not even pulling your pants down And pooing behind something. So my initial way, if you're on a run, like if I run up, I do a little jog, there's no options there.

But obviously you're out. I'm in the countryside there. So it's not a problem. You just go and have a little plop in a field. Yeah. The edge of a field. What you're saying is you've got to be, like if I do this in my house,

it's unforgivable because we have a bathroom upstairs and downstairs. There's no situation. On your streets, it's bad. It's pretty poor, isn't it? Yeah.

In the car, in a traffic jam? I've thought about that. That's a good... That's a fucking... A proper seven or eight-hour job. Stuck, aren't you? Like, you can't pee on the motor?

Because everyone's looking at you and you're like, aren't you? Oh, you just unlocked a new anxiety of me. I'm going to have anxiety about that now. Do you know what, though? Most motorways, if you were in a seven... Say you're in a bastard of a traffic jam.

It's been horrific. They've shut the road. I think after the sort of three or four hour mark, you are going to see pretty much everyone around you disappear into the hedge at some point for a piss, aren't you? Yeah. So I think almost the rules of, like the civil rules that we all adhere to,

which is don't shit in a bush if I can see you going to shit in a bush, sort of goes out of the window. Yeah. The nightmare there, though, is while you're shitting, it just clears. Yeah, everyone's I have passed. What about minute one?

of a of a tour show, the biggest tour show of your life. So you're playing an arena, Dan. Minute one, you go, oh, shit. Can I tell you the beautiful thing about adrenaline? And I don't get much after 20 odd years of being a stand-up.

But I have been backstage at a comedy club and gone, you know, is you just sort of like, right, I've got five minutes till I'm on. I tend to stand up. Like, some comics can literally go from, like, lying down on the phone, oh, you're on stage.

I sometimes have a little bit of a pace that little extra bit of energy sort of hits I've found myself going oh I could do with a plot but as soon as it comes to stage time adrenaline kicks in and you just stop needing it like you just goes away if it's absolutely uncontrollable

you know you can just go I can't shit your pants oh no you you have to go I want to be able to smell it I think it would be amazing you'd have to go you'd have to go, guys, this is the biggest show I've ever done,

but I'm going to let you know, I'm going to call a break now. I know you've just had one, but I'm going to need to go and do a shit. You can't poo your pants at an arena. If I knew that was a solid, if I knew it was a solid, I'd just pee my pants. But it'd fall out, wouldn't they fall out? You poo down your leg a little bit?

What am I wearing flares? Yeah, you are. You're in your flares here. No, the more you walk out, that poo is going to come out. some point. Nah. You lock,

you've got like tight whiteies on? No. What about like a football match? Guy like a shit on the floor? Who else did it? The Crystal Palace player.

And he just threw it out to his shorts. Yeah. I think as a comedian you get away with it more because it's funny. I think if you're like Pavarotti, you can't just shit your cacks. Do you mean?

Oh yeah. And there's a class level of like... The opera? Oh, like mid-song. Andre Ryu is like Bosch and Auto Viose. he's like, I'm shite. He can't go, gonna go for his shit.

I was like, no, this is the... Also, you could tell he tensed up on his violin. Yeah, it'd make the music worse. Yeah, it's gonna start.

My, by the way, my job banging up is taking wet washing out of the washing machine and hanging it up. I would rather burn my clothes and buy new ones every time.

I don't actually do that. I've stopped doing it because I now do the same thing as you. That's how much I ate it. Laura hates me putting t-shirts on the radiator. She's like, it's awful.

Like, it's the... Yeah, because they're safe for high value items. What? Like jeans? Jeans, hoodies. No, sorry.

Any clothing that comes out of the washing machine, middle of winter, you know when it's Baltic, she's got this crappy £15 heated rail that she leaves out in the outhouse. It just dries lines into your tops,

but it takes, because it's the middle of winter and that's not a heated room, it takes for fucking ever and I swear it doesn't dry him right, or stick them on the radiator and they're done in about 40 minutes, but she hates it.

like it's such a weird little wrinkle where you're like, what is the problem? You need to leave her, you know. Yeah. That's hard for the reason for radiators. I mean, I really love her and she's an amazing wife and a great mother of my children,

but I should leave her over the radiator thing, yeah? Just get some loose mental woman who's like, stick what you want on an idiotator, I can't give her a fuck, get your cock out. My dream woman. That's the middle ground. Hates all you guys, hates my family, terrible stepmother to my children.

She's like, dry what you want on there. There's a middle ground, Dan. Get my pussy out. Get it out. I'm not doing it. Just lying there like a massive queen bee. Fuck me again. Or unloading the dishwasher.

I don't mind that. I think there's something quite satisfying in that. I think there's something quite satisfying in unloading the dishwasher while it's still warm. Mine's never, ever warm. Sometimes I forget whether I've washed it. I don't trust dishwasher. No, neither do I.

Just wash it. Or put it in this washer. Don't trust a dishwasher. What you think it's... scheming me. I've never really understood the technology, so I just don't use it. What?

You put it in? It comes out clean. Do you understand washing machines? I understand dishwashers. You just said you didn't. I've never used one in my life. Unless I'm forced to. That's insane.

They are, I never used one until I moved in Metallica and I was like, I'm running to them. It's the best thing in the house. Laura's like, just to let you know from now on with the dishwasher, I was like, sorry, love, I've never used it. I think with, you've, I don't know if she's just, she went, so from now on with the thing,

I was like, I've never done the thing. I think she was trying to tell me about the tablet. Yeah. I always wash the dishes. Yeah, that's my... Yeah. But I don't like him.

I don't need him. I don't get it. You should try it. It might change your life. It will. It will give you more time. Also, if you wash the dishes and you've got a dishwasher, and she's never using it anyway,

just get rid of the dishwasher. You can put something else there. Boombox. Safe. For money. That was one. Man play. Well done Andy Sims. That was epic.

In fact, that's all we're going to do. That's all we need. Just one man play. Wow. Wow. You can really man play. See in a bit. Please welcome to the studio. My friend, your friend, our friend. Nalphi Brown and it's dog Pinta. Hello everybody. It's great to be here. Pinter. We have another dog in the studio. That was, so that's probably the longest break we've had.

between part two and part three for quite some time. And it's because you've brought you a pup, who I absolutely love this dog. And he's played with Petty quite a lot before, but maybe not for a couple of months. And now they don't recognise each other. They've been to the park together. Pinter loves to have a scrap in a playful,

like the Ridgebacks play quite aggressively, lots of mouth involved. And they've had a great time together before. but some dogs it could be a puberty thing could be a bollocks thing Pinter's got a big pair of bollocks now maybe there was

Bollick envy could it have been to do with maybe a protection of a on Pettys behalf of Wallach but it kicked the fuck off but he's a big eight month you know like that's a big dog it's beautiful doggy but I understand why

and the dog he would get threatened yeah yeah yeah yeah that was tense I don't really know dogs that felt I felt emotionally invested and that felt tense. Well, I felt like I was at a dog fight. Participating in the dog fight.

It's nothing more we want to do dog fights. I know paddles good, but what about dogfighting? Let's get together. This isn't great for the audio listeners, but for our visual listeners, for those out there. Visual listeners? Well, they are visual listeners on there.

You know what I mean? I'm watching. I'm listening with my eyes. Pinta is an eight-month-old, Rhodesian Ridgeback, but he's a chunky one. Well, Ridgeback's come in two types. You got your... You got your auditions and your fucking Ridgebacks.

You got your basketball players and you got your rugby players. And he's very much a basketball player because they're bred from a mix of like bloodhounds but also Great Danes and Mastiff. So if you got a lot of Mastiff in you, you're a rugby player and you're a barrel bodied.

And if you've got more Great Dane in you, then you're more of a basketballer. Were they bred to protect Rhodesian farms? Have I just linked it because it's Rhodesia? Is that what they... Is that what they're...

Well, he's not from South Africa. He's actually from Wales. But... I'm talking about the breed, brother. I'm from Powis in Wales. Yes, I've mentioned your hometown. Was he responding to the accent?

The dog, I'm getting from Wales as well. Yeah, there's a lot of dogs in Wales. Yeah. It's because there's loads of farms, I think. I won't say if I'm not going to say it. I just gave him daggers just to imagine. I just didn't say it.

Good. What? I didn't say what? His mom? Oh, that's nice. Oh, I see what you mean. That's good, good podcasting. For a good set of lads,

taking the piss out of your dog, rough mother. Sounds worse like that, doesn't it? It's not just an aside. Yeah, they were bred to hunt lions. Fuck. Well, Oslo's spread to hunt badgers. Sorry. Wallace was bred to hunt badgers.

And badges are the lion of the UK. And like, and rabbits, isn't it? Yeah, that's why he gets down the hole. That's why they got little legs. And he's not meant to fight them. That's why they got a shrill bark. It's to alert the people above with guns. Ooh.

And I'm going, hey, there's badgers here. I'm not going to do that on the bar if you've got the guns. And then he goes back again. It's surely loads of dogs must get shot there, though. If they're beneath ground, if it looks like a badger's here. Surely that's weird. I don't think they just, it's not like,

inglorious bastards with a shooting the floorboards. The farmer's like, we're going through a lot of dogs. Are you hiding badges beneath your floorboards? We should train them to get out of the hole first.

Yeah, good idea. I think they chase them out of the hole and then they shoot them. The bear dachshund. Oh, so you'd have to, you cut two holes and you send them in this one and chase them out to that one.

They go, hey, this badgers here. You have to get lucky, though, with that, like, tunnel, wouldn't you? I just, how much time did it take? We want to get one with little legs. Okay, well, who's got little legs? That one's got quite little legs. Okay, we'll get him to fuck the other one with little legs.

Okay, who in that litter's got the littlest legs? That one, okay, we'll get him to fuck the other ones. Who else got little legs? That generations upon generations of little legs. And then you end up with Wallace or Jordan Pickford. He's got big legs, little legs? No, he's got big legs, little legs. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

So he fought, so his ancestors fought lions? Jordan Pickford? The three lions, me? Yeah, so I believe so. But not like, obviously if he gets in a fight with a lion, he's getting his face bitten off. He didn't, a bunch of them would corner the lion. Right.

Which is why they're a good dog. They're a guarding breed and they're very brave, but at the same time they don't have that bite instinct in them. They don't tend to bite at all. They're just corner the lion and go, stay there. We're going to wait for somebody to shoot you. And this is the kind of self-defense you need

when you, you know, live around Sefton Park, is you've got to be safe from lions. Well, as with all of these things, I don't know how much badger murdering you are doing. No, but that's because you've got Wallace. Could be overrun by badgers. But no, I got him because he doesn't stink and he's got a good off switch in the house,

but he likes a good old yomp around the park. Great use. of yomp. Thank you. Thank you. You're getting a doggie, aren't you? Mr. Roe?

You're going to announce to the world. And like, Dan, and then you, and then Stee, all made the same joke before. While I was watching Perry try and made a Pinter and then Pinter try and made a Perry and Wallace in the corner,

refereeing it all. I was thinking bad referee, that's rather a Rotwiler to the middle of it. Yeah. So can I just ask a few questions, uh, re-Rottweiler decision-making process? Is the deposit already paid? Yeah.

Ah, yeah, go, go, go. That's never stopped them. So a little while ago, we in our WhatsApp group chat, received a message from you. And it said, a decision has been made. But by the way, the WhatsApp group being me, you and Jack, then again. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is called?

Lads in pyjamas. Because. We were all wearing pajamas when I made it. Matching pajamas. Matching pajamas from. Matching DK&Y pajamas from Costco. From Costco, yeah. Because stand-up tours on what you.

You think they are. There's a great photo of it that we can share with this episode, actually. I'm grieving quite hard at the time, but I don't think you can tell. I think you can actually. Anyway, the point is that you said, we're getting a Bernie's Mountain Dog. He's going to be called Remy. Yeah. And that was your announcement.

and we all went, oh, brilliant, or whatever. So to go from Bernie's Mountain Dog to Rockweiler, it's like, what? Like, it's like you're looking for a car and you go, oh, fancy a Ford Cougar. Nah, I'm going to get a dragster instead. What the fuck is going on in that decision-making process? There was no Bernie's Mountain Dogs on Pets for Homes.

So the next logical step? Well, we sort of, we know every sort of, breed comes with its own challenges. And my misses does, like, actually quite an annoying amount of breeding and preparation and making sure things are right and whatever. So we had, what we did was we got every breed we'd both sort of be okay with.

And we gave it a score out of 10 on how much we want it. We added them together. And then whichever dog had the higher score, we were like, that's the one we're going to get because that's the one that between us we want the most. that was Bernie's Mountain Dog. We did that as well. And a second was Rockweiler.

Because we love Perry and we've looked after Pears and obviously I lived with Pears for a while. And Rockwilers are essentially slightly bigger boxes but are a bit more territorial. Haven't Bernie's Mountain Dogs are a really, really short lifespan as well? Yeah, that's also what...

Which I don't think I could... It's a really selfish thing to do as a dog owner but I think that would have played a part of me. How short what we talked? Seven years. Seven years. Yeah. Which is like...

Whereas Rottweilers can go. until they're like 41. They're like Tom Brady. Just keep going. Keep throwing. Never fancied a dog, Dan. After the last hour played out. The thing is, when we arrange play dates with my daughter,

very rarely do we have to put it on a chain and have a growl at the other girl that she's on a play date with? And then feed a ham. Territorial ham. I know the narrative is that I fucking ate dog. I really quite like dogs. I've just never, ever owned a dog. Yeah.

We had rabbits for a bit when I was a kid. We had a cat. We had a couple of animals, but like I've never been in a dog. Sorry? Rabbit. Cat. What were the other animals? A cat.

A bat. And a six-world parlour. We had Germany fish. We had, we had golf fish. We had some Shibumpkins. That's you. Guinea pigs we fostered a llama for a bit

Yeah we were We were llama fosterers We never had them permanently That's nice Give them a home No but if there was ever a llama In distress in West Lancashire But there never was

So you never actually had one Exactly You were llama fosterers As soon as There had been a llamaer in distress In West Lancashire I'd be covered in spit How do you tell if a llama is in distress

They stop, they stop spitting. They stop spitting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're either that, it's either that or they're dehydrated. Okay, so they get dry mouth. Hard to tell if they're stoned or just in distress. Exactly. So we were ready to go. We had the garden all ready for.

So stressed them and spat in weeks. Yeah. You want to get your llama and alternate leaf subscription. I think you have to have a dog as, I think it's important. If you have them as a kid, you'd probably have them for the rest of your life. Like Finn said he's not interested. than dogs because he's never had one. I think if you have one when you're the kid,

you're like, oh, I want that forever. No, I was, you asked me if I wanted to own a dog and I can't see that. I really love other people's dogs. I love Pez, I love Wallace. I love all the dogs of my mates and that, but I just, I'm just too selfish. I want the easiest life possible.

You're trying to mean, it's like a budgey man. That's a hell out. What I've said that? You can imagine I'm having a budgey. Yeah. Well, that's what cat, cats, just that's what cats for. I'm allergic to cats.

So I'm like in, I've got one. I'm allergic to cats as well, but just spiritually. I'm fine, like, my passages remain open, but my heart closes very quickly. See, I hate them. I love, like, Finn's mom,

a cock or two, but you can't. Beautifully done. Oh, that was so shit, and I loved it. When did Finn's mom become the designated... Oh, no, it moves around. It doesn't move around.

Oh yeah, my mum get it. Also, ours are dead, and he's picky about what can be said about his mum. But, like, fucking Poirot-Tips. You're picky about what can be said about your mum? Am I? Are you? If she's in the room, yeah?

No, when... Julie's not in the room? When we were on Kilimanjaro, I made a joke about, like, fucking Carl's mum in the ass until, like, she, like, came everywhere, and he made Will cut it out the special. That's a shame. I wonder why.

What a stick in the mud? Wow. Yeah, well, That's, yeah, fair enough. I've just, yeah, because you're, that, because the pied bull, the pub in Chester, that's named after your mum. There you go? Yeah.

And that's fine. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Okay. But back to the cockatoo. I love, they're my favourite animal, but I can never know in a bird. I feel like it's not fair. It doesn't want to be in my house.

Yeah, but like, the cockatoos that you could buy are going to be in someone's house. It's not like if you don't buy it, they just get, like, they don't run out of date where they just set them free. Yeah, but if everyone starts buying cockatoo They'll stop supplying them. That's true. And there's just going to be like 10 dead cockatoos and the old swan fishies. Ten dead crocodos lying on the bed.

They're just the sickest animals. They're so funny. Cockatoos? Yeah. If you go on talk cockatoo, Twitter, which is not easy to say. Not Twitter, TikTok. Cock talk. Cock talk.

They're really, really fun. They dance and sing. Yeah. All right. But I could know in a bear because you want to, you want to, you want to fly off, man. How much time you spend it on cockatoo TikTok at home?

Sederka shows me cockatoo, TikToks two or three times a week. Can they talk? No. No. They can... Which are the ones that talk? Paratts.

The African parrots. Crows are the best imitators. They talk the best. Do you know about that autistic kid but does Parrot? Yeah. You know about him? Capitoch.

So, do you know what a non-verbal autistic is? I can do it. Parrots. No, a person. Yeah. So it's an autistic person who doesn't talk I got it Non-verbal, non-talking

That's a person with autism Yeah, yeah They can't talk Person with autism can't talk They're called non-verbal autistics And there was this one He was like 40 And he'd never spoke a word in his life

Still lived at home And they got him a parrot And then the parrot one day He's like, oh, get a fuck a biscuit Or whatever they say And then he said Oh, go on, I'll go on I don't get you a biscuit.

And he started talking. And all that time, he'd picked up from his, like, his life fluent English and was just choosing not to speak. But the parrot, the parrot brought an island. And he never talked to anyone else apart from the parrot. Just a parrot.

But, like, his mum was, like, poking it out around the door. And, like, Graham's talking to the parrot there. Oh, I thought you're going to say, put him in the other room and she pretends to be the parrot to talk to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or if the parent could be on her head, like in Rattatooie. And he could be going, like, she could wiggle about a bit.

Or she sits on his head, pulls each feather and goes, ask him if he loves me. Do you love your mummy? And then you go, yeah, she's all right. Remy, which is ironic. That's the name of the brat. I have never seen it. Are you going to call your Rottweiler, Wemmy?

Yeah, Remy the Rottie, Ro. Oh, which has a full... He's taking your name, is he? They've got him in the... Traditional. I think that's... It's mad. I mean, if he takes yours and then Alex's,

that is a mad, uh, surname combo. Yeah, that we can't say. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Please get mad even take her name. I'm not taking her name. I'm not mad.

Seneca kept her name. Yeah. You don't know how to put your foot down. What's Pinter's surname? Sorry? What's Pinter's surname? Shostakovich, weird. Be sure you.

in the vest. Yeah, it's man. I don't know where it's like came like that. Oh, he picked it. He spoke to the parrot in the breast. Parrot told me.

Can you check that autism parrot story for me, make sure? I'm not just like making it off, but I'm pretty sure. Yeah, yeah. We don't want anything false on this show. We need to make sure that everything's been fat checked. Was he 40?

Emily Maitlis comes on one day and takes everybody to tar. I mean, I've just Google autism parrot and I can't find it. But I don't know what. Google 40. dodging old autistic,

the clad finally breaks his silence and speaks to Paris in the family home. You've remembered

the headline then. That's the echo. It was in the echo. Yeah. Can't find it. Ah, they must have been...

But it sounds like I believe you had to Yeah. That's happened. That's a Facebook story. Yeah.

It was on the front of a take a break anyway. It was a long bit. I used to love those. My dog exploded whilst doing a wee. That was a good one.

Okay, Penn. It's okay. Go back to sleep, kid. All right, kid. Just doing a bit of take a break. Or Love It magazine. Love it. Are they still going strong?

Are they? Are they still going strong? They're basically like the gossip thing for the soaps and then also like my husband, they're two different types. No, love it. It's like if you send in a story about how you'd only suck off your husband, if his cot was covered in wotsits. Yeah, that's about what I was going for.

And they go, oh, that's, yeah, there's 250 pounds. I always said no to A-N-U, but then I got bummed and now I love it. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Like, is that? Mom ate her own face off after dad became a pedo. Yeah. That's definitely been one. They sound great. Yeah, they're next to them,

soap ones. And are they real, the stories, or is it just some, just a bored? I've never done due diligence and checked, sadly. but I like to believe I like to believe it's a comfort to believe in these things sometimes we all need our stories to keep us comfortable yeah it's like in porn mags

they used to be the stories from like readers wives and they were like really like and in porn films he's not deaf I'll like a qualified electrician oh it's nice to believe in it is it usually electrician? Yeah I think I've ever seen an electrician one

Oh I'm loving it. Sparky porn Mark Hughes Mark Hughes I've watched that. From the halfway. No, would you leave... The plumber, isn't it? The spar?

It'd be dark. Bars. Depends when he's fixing. Of course. You're gonna copy of boiler. Come on in, ma'am me. Me toasters on the blink. You get in...

I like it. Come on it, mate. If you ring an electrician for your toad by the way, you need to blow your nose up. There it is. Yeah, I had a book once called Living with a Willie that my mum bought me because there was information in that

that she simply couldn't provide. And there was all these stories and people would write in, like, oh, is this okay, am I normal? And there was this one, the guy wrote in and said, I like to put on biking gear and have a shower in the biking gear and masturbate whilst thinking about my sister. Is there anything wrong with me?

And the guy writes back, no, there's nothing. And I'm like, you've got to be honest and say, yeah, that is bad. You need to seek. Like, go in and see someone. That's not okay. You shouldn't be doing that. You won't live. Because it'll ruin the biking leathers.

Well, I'm not sure that they were real leathers. Leather becomes like, it could be. It could be like a polythame sort of composite biking thing. It wasn't an issue until the sister was mentioned, I don't think. I think it's pretty... If he wants to want... Pretty out of pocket. Yeah, but you can do whatever he wants.

The sister bit's the bad bit. Oh, you're right, you're right. Well, it just won't make you happy in the long run to be masturbating over your sister. Believe me. I think if you came round to mine, if I was like, oh, the doors open, let yourself in, and you came upstairs, and I was in full biking gear,

hankin, helmet, ever. And you just text me in the doors open. There's bigger issues again. Security. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know I'm coming. Why are you in the shower and full biking gear one? Because I'm running late.

For what? Wherever we're going. Right. Biking. Get dressed. I am dressed. I'm in my biking gear. Hop on the back.

If you had a really mad fetish, would you care about sharing it with us? Like, none of even necessarily on pod. Depends what it was. I mean, yeah, it depends what it was. Like leather, I'd share it. Children, I'd keep it to myself. Some mad fetish you've got.

It's the maddest fetish, really. I don't know, I would, I'd give it to myself. I love that I have. I mean, we share a lot, don't we? We share a lot. But is there like, that extra 10% where it gets a bit weird? There's so much bullshit on this show. There's so much stuff that I've said that isn't true about me,

about things I think, believe, and why. want and need and just because it's funny that I think I could say my deepest darkest fetish right now and you wouldn't know whether I'm telling the street for no. Everyone would be like bananas up my ass. I don't think just do you have to freeze them? No. I don't.

They've got to be green then I'm imagining. You couldn't like you got to wait for them to go. Yeah they can't be brown. They're not brown when they go in. Don't into that. Pealed? No. No. They were not robust enough of fruit to go up and ass peeled. But like a cock isn't like solid rock, is it? It's quite banana-y, even when it's got a chub on.

So is that why you like them? Yeah. Right. I've decided that I'd quite like to, before I shuffle off this mortal coil, I'd like to have sex with a man, if anybody's up for it. Would you?

Yeah, I think that, I don't know if I'll love it, but I think, like given the whole net, Yeah, you turn that camera. Stay's interested. Yeah. I know what you mean? If we're here, try everything. Like, just, I think it's incredibly arrogant not to.

Yeah. Just fuck a bloke. It could be with me, like olives. Oh, I thought you were saying it could be with me. Honestly, June last year, his 14th wedding, second wedding. I had olives at Baccaro. I'm now an olivesman. And I think,

you also started with the best olives. Yeah. Yeah. I'd start the odd of that. I'd start with a fit. Goll olives. Gordle, that's what your olive of choice is. So, right, yes, I learned to like olives.

And this is, I had a gripe with my friend who would always pick the tomato out of his sandwich. And I would say, wouldn't your life just be easier if you learned to like tomato? And I know who I'm speaking to, of course. but I didn't like. I felt like I was being unsophisticated, not eating olives when they came out.

So I didn't like them, but I thought if I just educate my palate and change it, and like you learned to like olives, it is possible. Oh, through a combination of exactly that, feeling like a fucking idiot. Yeah. And then wanting to, but I've just got so many more things to get over.

Yeah, yeah. Like most people are like, oh, there's like five things that I'm not into. maybe I'll try and force myself. My list is so much longer. Yeah, I've got one thing left. But as soon as I've started eating all this, like literally Laura for Christmas

bought me some of the Bacaro. Is it? Perelo. Perrello. Yeah, she brought me a couple of cans of that and a little, you know, the special little fork, like a little, like a picky fork.

Oh, yeah. Four olives. And this could be gay sex. Yeah. This could be, you could be like, I should have done this ages ago. Yeah, I think when Jesse finally and eventually has sex with a woman,

I'm quite worried that she's going to go, oh, no, I'm gay. And I've been gay all along. So you want to get there first? Well, I don't think I'll end up being gay. I think I'll end up going, it still feels decent. But would you be the, what would you be?

Both. Is that normal to do both in one session? They call it verse. Yeah. So you've got top, bottom and verse. And verse is like, um, versatile.

Although, Mateo Lane will tell you that verse is made up, nobody's verse. But I, in the spirit of, you know, everything on the tasting menu, you know, I want dicks in and also in ass. Is that the last thing you haven't tried? That and sundried tomatoes, yeah. They're really good. I hate them.

They're really good. You like all the tomatoes? I like normal tomatoes, yeah. But sundried tomatoes are too tart. I can't handle it. Oh, they're my favourite tomatoes. So, you know, I wonder how I'll get on with a cock if I can't handle a sundried tomato.

I can't believe you took so long with olives, though. Did you, like, when you say you had to learn to, like, how long did that take? I was 25 years old. I think olives is a common one. I also was 24 before I tried bacon. Just like a little vinegary meat pip. Two years ago, I learned to like olives by eating the olives.

That he learned. It's a great description. Doesn't that, that, that, that description. is bang on, but that isn't, wouldn't have sold it to me before. A vinegory meat? It's a sea. Have you got any more vinegary meat?

It doesn't sound good. It's the sea, it's the sea? It's the bitable sea. It doesn't, they're not great selling pitch. I now know that I like them, but these aren't the things that would have won me over before I knew. The biteable sea? Is that an olive? Yeah. What? Do you like oysters?

Yes. Yeah. That's the biteable sea. That you shouldn't really bite an oyster, but yeah. Those slapeable sea? Oh, no. That's the sea. That must. be your...

An oyster's like a jellyfish's pussy or something. What's the one? Have you had one? Yeah, we... Yeah, I did. I know. We had a bad one though.

Was it when you did that tasting in the kitchen for your... No, it's... When we were in the pub and they were like, oh, there's a pint of Guinness and a clam or not...

What was it? An oyster. Yeah, yeah. And I was so drunk that I was like, I'll give it a goal. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hawksmore oysters.

My only problem with oysters when they're too big. I was in Dublin once and I had an oyster called something like a Dublin fist. And I had to like, I had to eat it like a fucking python.

Like, dislocate my jaw and take this whole wad of cum down. It was awful. God. A base like a, like, no, unseasoned,

though he said is a bit mad. Nice, but it's not as nice as one with a bit of shit on it. And if you are a fussy eater, the ability to just have a little nibble, like a little, a little trial before you buy,

is, is what you can, that's the way in. With an oyster, it's, oh my God, that was, Bad.

Yeah, you've got to go all in. There's no halfway house with eating an oyster. Do you chew them? Or do you just... What you do is I chew, I don't close my teeth on the oyster. So you chew down, just release some of the flavour, swill it around. And then it passes down my gullet. And then a little sip of Prosecco, cheers to my friend, and continue the wonderful conversation.

We had a million oysters in Dublin. It's a big oyster town, isn't it? We just kept getting at Valentine's Day last year We just kept all of them We're ordering rounds of oysters With our rounds of drinks Yeah

Which is... Bates, it wasn't there than me Yeah Because they were shucking them all fresh Right They were shucking them all You have to shuck them in the kitchen

Don't you to wake them off What? You have to shuck them? Have you not seen that bit in Pinocchio where all the oysters come to life Because that's when they...

That's an artistic representation of them being shook shucked them Right. S-H-U-C-K. I sure think we, I don't know what was happening there, but I thought we were all having a special moment. They were shucking them.

Shuck them to wukham. It's like an oranguna. Yeah, you shuck, oysters, you shuck, corn. Corn? You shook your dick after you finished. This is, I'm learning so much here. Shuck corn, don't you? I don't, but some people do.

Yeah? What do you mean? You're a big Bo-Beran fan, aren't you? Yeah. Not as his joke, what did the Earl of Corn say when all of his clothes fell off? I never understood that joke. Oh, shucks. Yeah, I was just like, oh, that's an American thing.

As in like, shucking corn. Ah. But also shucks the expression. What's going on? It's amazing. It's not his best joke. No. He's got better jokes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. Going to Dublin in a couple of weeks. Why are you going to Dublin, Dan? We're going, I'm going to go and do, I'm going to play the international, which is a gig that Desmond. England is playing Ireland. I've been called up.

It's been mad. I'm just in better condition now, apparently. You want to play the international. International standard. I'm excited to find out which sport. Yeah. You get there. They tell you.

International winter cricket. That was ironsional. in Ireland. I'm going to play the international. Des Bishop was one of the very first comedians when I was a sound tech at the hyena in Newcastle in 2002 and we hung out, hung out with loads of comics in that first sort of like six, nine months of being involved in stand-up.

Michael McIntarke came, Adam Hills, Jim Jeffries, all of these guys were really kind to me and I was like a geek and asked loads of questions. And Des Bishop, who is now back in New York, and if you haven't seen him on, line. He's got some amazing clips because he can speak Mandarin and just chops in between, like if there's any Chinese people in the crowd, he can do crowd work in Mandarin in a New York Comedy Club and it's just so engaging. It's fantastic to watch. Even when he's not speaking

Mandarin, I think his clips about, obviously lots of people have clips about phone use and whatnot, but his stuff about how mad it would be to take a shit without your phone is so funny. It's just such a great stand-up. And he was, he was, he, He was one of the comics that let me be a geek about stand-up and ask loads of questions and didn't get bored of it, as some veteran comics will do. And he was like, yeah, man, the place in Ireland where everyone has cut their teeth is the international. It's only a 60-seater, and he was like, there's no mic.

Now, apparently there is a microphone now. They put a mic in about four or five years ago. And you know, when you start out and stand-up, there's a list of places you want to play. You just go, right, I want to be a comedian, and I want to play here, here, here. and the last two on my list of venues that I haven't played in the UK and Ireland were the comedy store and the international. And I've played the Olympia, I've played Vickers Street.

It's a mad way to, like I've done the Dublin, I've done it wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've taken it as a cutest route to... But Adam got me on at the comedy store when he did Adam Row and friends, so that was fucking class. That was great to be at the comedy store,

but also such a brilliant sort of sneaky on a technicality, even though they're sound with me now, but that's the only time I played the store. That was amazing. So I put this like, I put that on the Friday night because on the Saturday, we're going to watch Mike Rice and Kill Kenny

do his sort of like hometown tour show. Yeah. I booked it when I was drunk and I haven't regretted it once. So me and the boys from Chester are going over and we're going to have a bit of a weekend, but I get to play the international. I haven't been boozing.

And we've got the hip-hop night on the 14th. I need to start doing some practice pints because I've got the hip-hop night in Liverpool on the 14th then a weekend in Ireland

and then me and Laura have an anniversary party so that's going to be a bit of a boozy do so I need to sort of tune up the booze in but I'm,

I love going over to Dublin but I'm sort of I love the romanticism of that Friday night I'm really looking forward to Is it just a comedy club the international? I just emailed and went

this is a bit mad Can I just get on? It's a poor bedroom above it. Yeah, really? Yeah. It's like King's Heading. It's fucking great. It's where I first hung out

with Mike Rice about maybe six years ago. I went over to do the international. Not the international. What's the other? Lafter lounge. And while I was there, they went, oh, you should try and do the international while you're there.

Like, we don't mind you Dublin. Like, you can go around and do that. So I text Aidan Bishop. I got his number and text him, who's Des his brother. And like the time, at least, was booking it. I don't know whether he's... It's moved on now, I think.

And I was like, I'm a comic from Liverpool. I'm just playing the last lounge. Can I come around and do a spot? I'll just jump on and do your gig. And he was just like, sorry, I don't know. You know. I know it might be the same guy that I've talked to then.

He went, I'm going to need to see a clip. So I sent him my special. It was such a good. I was like, I don't, this is the best clip I've got. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he texted me back about half an hour later because Mike Rice had gone, no, like, you should absolutely have Adam come around and do a set.

And that's the first night I ever enjoyed a pint of Guinness. Because Mike took me a bar afterwards and went to Guinness Please over and I went, I don't drink Guinness. And he was like, have you ever had one in Ireland? And I said, no. And he said, shut up. He just made me have one. And I was like, that's class. There you go.

It is well better. Speaking of specials, yours has been out for a bit, but you haven't been back on since it went out. No. And it's flowing. It is. So please watch it. I'd like it to get to over 100,000 views and it's nearly there. And if it does surpass that, that will have.

outstripped my wildest expectations. Not my wildest expectations, my wildest expectations, but it went like, you know, it's 17 million and I was touring everywhere all of a sudden, but my,

my realistic wildest expectations, it will outstrip those. So yeah, if anybody wants to comment and subscribe and watch it, that would be amazing. But yeah, I'm really made up.

And there are, it's inching towards, there are a few comics whose specials are at like 105, 109, and I want to beat them. Yeah. rightly or wrongly.

How do you feel about the special now that it's out? So this special, and forgive me for talking for you for a second, but this special sort of, in its most part, covers the time you got in trouble with an old routine surfacing on Twitter, the subsequent cancellation in inverted commas, and then the death of both a friend and your father all happening within the space of a one-year period. incredibly difficult year,

a lot of work lost, all of which is covered in the special. And then you took it to Edinburgh, you then took it on tour, we then filmed it with Will Hutchby, a Creatures Comedy Club in Manchester. And then it was actually quite a while before you released it.

And I know you were having... It was a year. Some quite severe anxiety about putting it out. And I'm just wondering how you feel about it now that it's out and now that it's been received, you know, certainly in the large majority,

very well. Yeah, I'm... was really anxious about it and I felt a lot like not anxious about how necessarily people would take what I had to say about everything but anxious about because my career is in quite a different place to what it was when I was cancelled and cancelled again there will be people commenting underneath this going well how if he's cancelled why is he still alive because like people are expecting you to be like dead or in a tomb somewhere or, you know, you have to move to real if you're cancelled or something.

But, yeah, I mean, cancelled, it's just, if it's a group of people removing your validity. And if you were cancelled, I was, my tour was cancelled. So that is being cancelled. Even if you, you know, if I get a thing on, you know, if I ever on TV again, if I'm doing this podcast, I released something on YouTube. I mean, Jesus Christ, that is, people commenting underneath the YouTube special going, what if you're cancelled? What's this special doing here? Because everybody can put something out here.

There's no, like, what? Barry YouTube's going to go, oh, no, you were cancelled. Remove that from the channels. So, yeah, I was feeling anxious about if anybody would watch it. And if it just fell away like a kind of a sad shit, then that would have been deeply, like it's always you always want people to like what you do yeah but when what you're talking about is of such deep emotional importance to you there is the feeling that you really want it to go well

otherwise uh but yeah just because it's so there was so much tumult and so it felt so huge at the time yeah i mean i wasn't medically anxious about it but i felt felt very, like, uneasy. And I still feel that to an extent. I mean, not having a manager and not having, but then I don't know what managers, but not having 300,000 followers. If I had 300,000 followers, I'd be a manager.

Everybody follow me. How to go comedian, Instagram. But yeah, it is how it works. And I haven't put a new tour on sale. I'm working on a new tour right now, and I'll be touring in the autumn and going to Edinburgh this year. And I will be doing a new show.

and I'll be doing relatively similar-sized venues that I did the last time and hopefully sell them all out as opposed to not sell them all out and that will be an advancement and proof of forward momentum and if I sell worse than last time I'll know it's time for me to become an actuary. And move to real. It's an absolutely fantastic special and the last time you were on the pub was not long before

I think you were planning to put it out. Maybe it was, I don't know, maybe like six, nine months ago, something like that, maybe a bit. I think it's been about a year since I was on. And we had a couple of people commenting being like sort of, why haven't you spoke about when sort of Alfie got in trouble and this, that and the other? There's just no way we can sit here and do the story of what happened that year and how you felt about it and how it affected you, your life, career and everything, any better justice. We can't do that story, any better justice in here, sitting around, trying to take the piss out of

various bits of it and do what I have aware it is. We can't do that any better than you do in that special. So if you are interested in that story, and even if you just love great stand-up, especially particularly anecdotal storytelling stand-up, go and watch it. It's absolutely fantastic. It's on YouTube.

It's free. The clips are also banging all over TikTok and share one or two of them. Why not? There you go. It's fucking great. And it was, like, as your mate, watching you sort of handle that year in the way that you did. Because I, like, and, you know, I know you don't need me to say things like this,

but watching someone you really care about and love, have a really bad time. And also, by the way, I understand that there's certain people who go, well, you know, the routine was bang out of order and he should never have said that word and this, that, and the other. And you've long since apologised for that. I understand why people were angry at a certain point. But when you sort of know someone who's going through all of that stuff and watching them handle it and then having a friend die,

and then having your dad pass away in the same year, and the fact that you got through all of that year, and then now in, you know, certainly from my perspective, and you can only really speak on this yourself, a much better place, a house with your family in Liverpool and a dog, like, and the special doing so well. I'm just, I'm very proud of you for that year and for what you did with it.

Thanks, mate. That's great. Any lads who want to fuck? Let me know. I feel like we're a long way from Lama fostering now. No, I really appreciate that. Thank you, obviously.

It's my first time on the podcast since I moved to Liverpool and me and the family have happily ensconced in our beautiful local area. Old Swan. That's where we all live in Old Swan. But you knew you were going to love it. Like Jesse was on

and that's, that was the, like that she's loving it. That was the that was the worry that she'd come up and like, like miss London and well she's an urban bohemian. She's a cosmopolitan lady. She likes, you know, being in the city.

But I think the kids having bedrooms and being on the door of a park and then being half an hour into town or 45 minutes from Old Swan, isn't it? It's actually about the same Is it?

Okay. Yeah, where we actually live here. Okay. Of course. In Pimba. It's, but everyone's loving it. Yeah, no, my oldest isn't. But fucking, you know.

Is he not loving it? Because I know he was, he really liked it at first, didn't he? Yeah, I just think he's, I think it's difficult to go into the last year of a school, go, hi everybody. I'm new in year six. Yeah.

I'm not from the same place as any of you lot. And you've all been working very hard at cementing friendships over the last, you know, 10 years of your life. But here I am. And he's not, he's, to be honest, like I was deeply unpopular at school and actively bullied, emotionally, not physically, but, you know. And for him, he's popular. He's just, he just, it feels quite distant.

And I think he's looking forward to going, to the secondary school that he got into because then he can start it all afresh. It's a fresh start for all of the kids. You know, it's not bad. And I'm, I'm, everybody is, everybody is loving it. And my little, my daughter's scouse accent

is already coming through. And it's absolutely lovely. Every now and again, she'll just like go, dove me philver, I've lost me pha. Where's it? That is quite very subtle. It's, um, Pins are just responded.

It's, it's more gross! Um, the, the two youngest will be scouse as folk, won't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stop it. That's, already, stop it. Stop it. That's rubbish. Uh, yeah,

because they've got, I mean, they're the only people in their class who aren't, um, scouse. I mean,

it's, it's not, you know, it's not, you know, it's not, it's not going to sound like the central African clicking language.

that some scouse is in habit. Central African. That's brutal. Bourdain. Yeah. I love it. I said to you recently, I think I was touring up

whether I'd just go, I might just start, you know the bloke who like had an aneurism and then started speaking Chinese? Yeah. like Chinese. The Chinese parrot. For the stickler.

I think I'm just tempted to just go scouts and just that'll be, I'll just do it. Where's you got that from? Is two youngest daughters? Because it'd be like maybe annoying for a week and then you just go, Alfie's here. All right, Lodge? And I get to pick my own, would I be like radio scouse or like proper... What's radio scouts?

Uh, hello, top of the tower. You're listening to City Talk? It's Boots and Coates, isn't it? It's what? Boots and Coat Scouts. I thought you said Bluetooth Scouts then. Like by ours, like South Liverpool, not by ours, sorry, by people who live in the South Liverpool, Scots.

Much different to where we grew up, Scots. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, that's where I'm a vet is, and it's, you know, there's a different Liverpool around there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Near, what's that, where's your team train? Evan. Yeah.

Finch Farm. Yeah, isn't that around there? Yeah. I mean, in my head, like, where's the scout, like, the Swan? No, I think it is, like, boot, And like... Not technical at Liverpool, or is it? Yeah.

Actually being a fucking idiot. Yeah. Not as green. Apparently it's Central Africa. That's why I'm here. Like the Scottish areas are probably like Norris green, Kroche. Arjach?

Walton. My little brother. Like when I... I love telling this story. We must have told it. I'm one of the times to be on the couch. But the first time

our Jack met Alfie, Jack thought Alfie was putting his actual voice on. He was like, there's no way. And in front of him... He thought I was taking the piss out of him, speaking like, this. So whenever I said anything to Jack, Jack, we go, oh, is it? Yes,

three pints. We must have three pints. But in front of Alfie, like Alfie's sat there and that Jack's going to me, he's doing a character to him, lad, then he's a character that, that's not a fucking real, like. But equally, Alfi was, like, our Jack at the toilet at one point, and he was like,

how have you two, like, not got the same voice? Like, he's so much scouting you, and I'm like, because that makes with you and half the gig in London. He said, well, Alfie, because I have friends like you. Should we have a break? Let's have a break.

Wow. And we're back. I got work for you. What's that? NAM! Pinter! You've never seen a film? You've never seen a film?

Good of a Wacken. It is a good impression, Pinta. Thank you. Donald Trump has sort of replaced Christopher Walken, hasn't he, as the impression that everybody does. Do you know what I think? Is that because you're saying Walken?

You think you're saying Walkie? Oh. It's mad, though, because for the first term, no one had it down, and then Gillis put it on a special. Is it one of those impressions that everyone's doing an impression of the impression, and now it's doable?

I think a lot of impressions are like that. Yeah. And I think, yeah, there's a tall guy who does red carpet awards and stuff like that. So it does an amazing Jeff Goldblum, but he's not funny. the guy's not funny. Have you seen him?

Fucking sound shade. No, but I mean like, one Mark Hughes, Joe, can he fucking shit? His impressions are great, but he just goes,

I'm this guy. He doesn't do, do what I mean? There's no bits. Yeah, yeah. I've seen him do a bit where he does

impressions of other people's Trump impressions as Donald Trump. So he does Trump criticizing Alec Baldwin's Trump impression doing it. And then Jimmy Fallon's

and that. That's incredible. I'm afraid it is good stuff. I've not seen that. But I can't remember his name. So he's obviously doing that memorable. There's a guy I'll try and remember his name for afterwards who has got a perfect Bill Bair impression.

It's so good. You might have seen it, but it's really fucking good. I only seen it this week. And I've seen a comment on it from that Jane Moore, who does loads of impressions. His Al Pacino, I think it might be the most realistic impression I've ever seen anyone do. So someone gives him Al Pacino's memoir

and he starts reading from it Al Pacino's voice. It's so, he's not doing like a caricature or cartoon of it. It literally sounds like Al Pacino. And he's done a film with Al Pacino, hasn't he? Yeah, yeah. I listened to Jay Moore's podcast for a bit

when I decided I wanted to get into stand-up. You know when you find a podcast and then you drift on it a little bit, but he's an amazing impressionist, but all of the impression guys are they're not great writers. And that's what always trips them up. the comedians who can do impressions, it's next level in it?

Because Gillis is, Gillis says Trump is brilliant because he's so fucking funny. Yeah, it's more of a skill, it's commonly a skill that actors have because they have that dialect thing. And I think a lot of people who have changed accent

in their life will have an understanding of different mouth shapes and the way that mouth shapes make different sounds are inherently good at accents. But like, yeah it's rare for stand-ups to be across but then a lot of impressionists are funny finding out like

discovering the character and explaining the caricature and it is funny in the same way that a comic actor is funny so it's not it's just a different it's not like joke writing it's not set up punchline it's a different thing but they're funny in finding the caricature of what it is that makes somebody funny and exaggerating various nuances in what they do that make it.

But I tried to see if I could do a Trump accent, even though I think everybody who does a Trump voice has blood on their hands. Because it's sort of like inures you to what he is. It's like if Elma Fudd was president of the United States. I'm going to get some Puerto Weekan separated from their families. It's like, oh, that's not that bad because Elma Fudd said it. Do you know what I mean? Like he's...

You're softening the person by just saying... Ah, he's a joke, in he? No, he's doing really bad shit. And that's the sort of... Every right-wing, like, sort of fascist, aspirationalist, leader has that mad, like, Farage. Oh, yeah, I love cigarettes and booze.

And it's all a lot of fun to him. And then everybody hates Kirstama way more. Even though he... It's because he's just... Because we watch so much social media. We see... everybody like performing all the time. So people have got good at inhabiting their authentic selves.

He still speaks like a politician. So he goes, I love the country and the country is important. Well, fucking I've zoned out because you're not, that's not how we speak. And I know that. It's not clippable. It's not clippable. Where's the hook?

That is sad though. That is a thing, you're not clippable as a leader. There is a thing, no. But he seems like he can't be bothered. He's just like, I'm good at it. just fuck off and leave me alone. He, like, and he's, and he's not very good at leading,

but he is the best prime minister, maybe since 2010. It's just, it's, we see so much stuff now that it's very easy to tell when something's disingenuous. So even when someone's trying to just be professional,

it just comes across, like you're not telling the truth, and it's easy to mistrust and then Lambaster, but. When a guy knows their shit, that's why Gavin Newsome is such an easy, watch. Because he's so smooth, but doesn't quite tip over into Smarme.

And whenever he speaks on criticizing Trump, on criticizing Maga, like it's always backed up with fact he gets it across really well, but he is charismatic as well. That's why he's such an obvious, when you're looking at the sort of the presidential run, like you think, oh, well, the Democrats will definitely go for him. But he's gorgeous. He's electric to watch. I don't know whether it's going to play out like that.

Well, currently there is Kamala Harris in the polls, which would be silly. Do you think it's possible to have a Prime Minister with a regional accent? India's country. Checking that'll ever happen? Yeah. I think we're moving more towards people

who talk less like politicians and robots and professional. When are we... Harold Wilson was not... I mean, we're going back to the 70s. Yeah, but that's when they're like... I'm figuring like this. No, I think he was,

I think he was Northern. Wilson was Northern. Kinnick would have been, Kinnick got close and he had, obviously, he was scuttling around. Pretty fucking Welsh. Gordon Brown? Yeah.

Oh yeah, of course. No, I think you've confitling brain and prime minister. No, I think you've confabular. Isn't it? It's when comedians do impressions. That's next level. Hey,

I can't believe the credit crunch. I'm going to get her, I'm glad you're nice. Got no depth perception. That's good. One eye, doesn't it? Was he blinding one eye? Yes.

What? What is he? Are you taking the person? Why would I know of gold but I was blind? It's like number two. One is he was prime minister, number two is he's got one eye.

I thought that was David Blunkers. No, neither of his eyes worked. Very famously both eyes. And John McCain couldn't if one of his eyes? Or both arms. Right.

I don't think that was number one on the John McCain, was it? It is for me. All right. Rest in peace. But if you mentioned, John McCain, I thought he can't lift for John McCain. What's number one for John McCain?

Did he fought in a war? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a prisoner of war. He was a prisoner of war, wasn't he? Was he in NAM? Yeah. But then there's that big cocked, Scottish, white-haired R-A-F fucking gun-holding labour guy, Al Kahn's who's going to be, and he looks,

fucking, I'd go to, I wouldn't go to war for him. I wouldn't go to war for anybody. I'd be too scared of, dying. But I would back him. I'd vote for him. You know, and I'd have no idea what he's got to say for himself. But he looks hard. He looks hard. It's good to have it hardly. Do we even have an hard one? Or not in my lifetime anyway. Yeah. And I think the fact that, you know, I think Farage would have to be deferential. Everybody who loves Farage would go, yeah, but he was in the RAF and he held a gun and he properly went there and he did brave stuff.

Yeah, he looks hard. I suppose back in the day, you'd have to be hard, didn't you? Like, you'd have to, like, win the war to rule the country. So, why don't we go back to that and just the top two? Who's the hardest ever Prime Minister, do you reckon? The hardest ever Prime Minister. Ooh, Thatcher. John Major, would have punched their head in. I don't know.

His dad was a clown. He had to have the ground. Yeah, that's true. That's true. The hardest ever Prime Minister is, fuck, it's a good question, isn't it? And they're all soft shite. I think the leader of the top two parties at the end of the next election should have to be on a misfits box and undercard

and whoever wins gets to fight KSI for the champion. Is there a danger that KSI could become prime minister? Yeah, that is the worry, isn't it? Yeah, we don't do that. Yeah, Tony Blair, shit house, Gordon Brown. He's lovely, what you'd hugger me before you punched them really, wouldn't you?

I'd rather shake his hand, do you need it? I think he was quite a grizzled character, Gordon Brown. I don't think he took any shit. Big guy, but he couldn't get there. again, the depth perception is a problem, isn't it? You know, he used to have, when he was a child, he'd have porridge every morning. And then as his treat on a weekend,

his parents would allow him to sprinkle a tiny bit of salt on it. Like your wife, on it? That's exactly like my life. And I nearly became Chancellor of the Exchequer. He did, and then famously Prime Minister. It never voted in there. John Prescott never got to use gravity,

but my mind could fucking throw. He'd have been in there. But you need, yeah, that's the classic Northern Rough Hardman number two in it. Does he do, the Prime Minister? Yeah, he died a few years ago. Yet. I didn't mean what I can. Jim and Frankie Boyle said if he wore a tie in a belt at the same time, he'd turn into sausages.

That's very good. That's very good from Frankie. Probably immediately succeeded by something cruel about a 16-year-old swimmer, but nevertheless, very fun. True. This have a word is going to contrast so horrifically. to that freewheeling chat that encompass

Prime Ministers and Presidents. But Aidan says, yes, guys, my narrow boat neighbor that lives across from our apartment is miserable. Since I moved in,

I've been feeding the local ducks and geese with leftover bread, as you do. Every now and again, every now and again, Captain Narrowboat wanker pipes up

and passively aggressively, passively aggressively, tells me off as bread is harmful for them. Also, he kicks off at fellow narrow boat drivers have a word and how do I get back at him? Don't mean to feed the duck's bread no more.

Why? Apparently we should never have been doing it and they just couldn't tell us. Yeah, but they ate it. Yeah, but because they're hungry, but they were like, you know, you eat shit that's bad for you. Yeah, but I like it. I like bread. People tell you bread's not good. What are you meant to feed them then?

Frozen peas, sweet corn, lettuce, oats, oats, seeds. There's just no way the ducks natural diets is frozen peas. How would have ducks freezing them? No, I think just peas. I don't think it has to be frozen. And also seeds. You know, few seeds. Things that they were found in the wild.

And also the weakest of their own young. Yeah. They can just feed them the weakest. Frozen or no? Well, it depends how long you want it to last. It aids their digestion. Give it to them frozen. And they'll have to lick their own dead young.

The ducks eat ducks. Ducks eat ducks. Ducks on duck violence is actually a big narrow boat problem. Most animals eat some with a young. Pigs, that we? Humans, apparently, come to the Epstein Files. Pizza gate. That was rice as well, by the way, all this time.

Yeah, it's confirmed. Right, so, okay. Can we just, uh, sorry. It's all confirmed, Alphy. Sorry, Ait. Oh my God, here we are. A paedophile apologist. Who?

Uh, uh, uh, right. It doesn't make you're a paedophile if you eat children. And... Also, it's great protein. Okay. clip that up. And here he goes again. So what?

So Jesse was giving it all portions to me about, oh, they ate children. Yeah. They probably fucked them first. Huh? They probably fuck the kids first. I wouldn't want to eat something I've fucked. You know?

That's the worst bit of it, isn't it? Well, it's all part of the dance, isn't it? So what? I look, sorry, Aidan, but we've got bigger fish. to fry all of a sudden. Yeah, we'll just put you on.

We're doing the Epstein files now. My timeline is full of narrow boat stuff at the moment though. So, oh, okay, let's do Epstein. Well, there's the Pizza Gate scandal, which is that they were calling kids pizza, but then there's also the beef jerky scandal as well. Too expensive.

So in the Epstein files, jerky is referenced like loads of times. He's always been like, I'll bring some more beef jerky down to yours. I'll need like six pounds of beef jerky. Do you want some more beef jerky? There's like emails being like Jeff's trying to eat less beef jerky at the minute so he might go back to normal food.

But there isn't a single photo in existence of Jeffrey Epstein with beef jerky. There you go. What is the beef jerky by the way? If pizza's kids. It's human flesh. Human flesh. God, it'd be. Do you think it's actually beef jerky?

Like, why would you email someone? No, I think it's a code for human flesh. There's a slight, so there's no video or photographic evidence of him eating beef jerky. Yeah. But there's also no video. or photographic evidence of him eating human flesh. Yeah, but you can't get that in ASDA, can you? You'd have, you'd have think, like, someone would be like,

but you can't get good beef jerky as to either. It's all sweetened. Obviously, you're only eating beef jerky because you want to cut your carbs. Oh, and the chef who was making the beef jerky for him runs a restaurant called Cannibal as well. I know. Hiding in plain sight a lot of these people, aren't they? If it wasn't, it's sort of nefarious. Why would they be using a cover?

Of course it's something nefarious. It's in the Epstein files. So what do you think it is then? I think it might be a code for the sex trafficking. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I know we've done this a million times, but like we go instantly to,

oh, they're eating them fucking them. That's it. They've said pizza. How many times? 47,000 times. But I think it could also be a code for the sex trafficking and all the sex crimes. But I don't know,

because I haven't really read into it. But neither of you. I think it's the beautiful thing. I think it's what they call paddle games. Yeah, yeah. They were worried that everyone would think they're a bit of a gimp. We can't say, I don't know. It wasn't as widely played back then.

We need the key. There's a key somewhere. Kish. To unlock. We need the Kish, man. Kish, Kish, Gade. I think the key is, when he mutually goes, by the way, if I ever say,

Beef, Jerk, who are in email? I mean, like, human flesh and pizza's kids. While he's shaking your hand. Yeah. It's a bold introduction, isn't it? Nice to meet you, Jeffrey, by the way. By the way, ever I mentioned beef jerky, it's, uh...

Wasn't pizza girls? No, children. No, okay. that's what I meant, girls. Yeah, yeah. And so maybe the beef jerky is the boys. Maybe. I don't know.

Saying it. And Bill Clinton suck Trump off? No, the other way around. Sorry. One of the two. Let's not get bogged down in even semi-factual rumors. This is just hanging out in the Epstein files and we can all just read this.

If we get bored of our Jody Pickoo, we can pick up the Epstein files, have a browse and go, oh, they're eating people and what, what not and doing all this mad shit, but none of it's made the papers. They're all concentrating on... Well, no.

Surely the eating of children makes... But that's why I was sceptical when I heard. It's... Surely Mardoxin involved. Well, first of all, yeah, there's a lot of powerful people involved, but also it's... You are taking a small leap because it's not going like,

hey, Jeff, you know when you said pizza? Did you mean kids? Anyway, I'll have seven kids. I mean, pizza's, best of guards, you know, John Stewart, it doesn't, they're not doing that. John Stewart, wow. And one of the jumps we're making is eating pizza, if pizza is kids, eating kids.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. That billionaire pedophile man with the paedophile island was just emailing all his powerful friends going, on a pangina? Right, right, right. Yeah. But if that was cold for something,

that's what you'd say about pizza. If pizza was cold, I'm, I don't even know. I think Peter is code. We haven't quite like Alan Cherie. this yet, have we? It's not like the enigma code and we've gone

pizza is kids and eating is eating and they are eating the kids. Sold it. Do you know how mad this part because we've talked

about it so many times if the actual evident like proper like oh this is now black and white I'd be like yes! They ate kids.

Woo! It would be a relief to find out they were cannibalizing children even as a parent I'd be like oh thank you for that now we know but I just

the way it's the way we speak about it like yep they were and if you say they weren't you're a fucking not bad but there's there isn't there there's still a grey area

to it isn't there I just don't think I think the leaps we're making aren't that huge anymore yeah but why bother guessing we're not

I don't think we are I think have any of the victims said yeah they'll be meeting when we were kids no no there's loads of victims

that are like yeah but they don't weren't got it they were in the different Yeah, but none of them said they were eating, they ate my mate. Yeah, they're the lucky ones. Surely if like Virginia Jufre's ass and anything else happened, no, I don't like I can, you know, remember.

So they didn't eat anybody. Oh, fuck. Yeah, of course. They ate loads of people. By the way, Susan got scound. Yeah, but also Virginia Jufre was traffic when she was a teenager. And they're literally, the meat's off. But they're literally talking about eating babies and children.

so it's not like who are that is what is suggested on several pages of these files she died in a suicide car crash two bullets to the back of the head was that her?

Yeah that will crush your car wouldn't it like it is genuinely quite fucking terrifying and like insane and Prince Andrew

like we're recording this Thursday no Prince Andrew Mountbatten yeah no Prince you got arrested today the nonce formerly known as Prince You need to paint him down

He's got a rest of it. Oh, there's been some fucking caucus today, boys. He's been apprehended by the cops. Yeah, that's probably all those children he fucked. Happy birthday. If I know the law like I think I do. Or didn't. You know.

You mustn't do that if you can help it. It would be great if he became the biggest whistleblower for the whole thing. Like, genuinely, like, let's, if he just went, I'm going to try and save my skin, and just spill all the tape. Shot in the head. No, it's not how the judicial system works. I know about what I'm saying Epstein was about to blow the whistle

and he suicided themselves. He's in fucking Israel playing games. You see his cold as you see, it counts being active since he died. More paddle for Jeffrey. Do you think, I mean, this is with this, Jeffrey's in Tel Aviv. Do you think, Jeffrey, what, Israel? They're ordering a lot of beef jerky.

You know what I mean? Do you think Jeffrey Epstein killed himself and all the cameras, broken all of guards fell asleep? Oh, we just had a spare body. So we took that one out first. Yeah, I think Jeffrey Epstein got killed, yeah. Oh, so why wouldn't Andrew get killed then?

I don't think he's in Israel playing Fortnite. No, I don't either. Right, great. Okay, because you know, keep saying that he's in Israel. No, I haven't said that once. Oh, okay. No, I think it's... Are genuinely...

Am I being naive? I think he might survive in the UK prison system? Yeah, I think he will. And I... I think also because Epstein got Merked, a much lower... I know he was famous at the time, but like this is now,

the story is 10, 100 times bigger now. Like it's the biggest story in... One of the biggest stories in our lifetime, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he is a former prince. Like I think if he turned whistleblower, I think it would be incredible to know the truth,

not just from all these... But you can't... So you don't... You don't think the... There's a possibility that people in the UK who knew what were going on, what was going on

and haven't been accused yet. Maybe even, I don't know, his family, who probably knew more than we know they know right now. And if he goes, you know what, they took me royal titles,

I'm already fucked. I'll whistleblow. King Charles knew. My man knew. They fucking knew what I was up to. Everyone knew he was. Trump fucking knew. You think they're just going to...

Oh, yeah. Yeah. They blow the jail off. But I think at the same time, you're like, fool me once, like, you know, Epstein killed himself. If we all just keep killing ourselves

is when we know something. Yeah, if these, it looks too mental and everybody will go, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, but what, like, what you've got to consider with that, though, is, I think this is the most conspiracy

this part has ever been. But what's worse for these people being seen as people who are killing witnesses or what they've actually got to say? I know, but, Because if what they've got to say is they were murdering children, eating children, fucking children, and flying literally, like, the leaders of the world around the planet to do all of that, do you think they'd rather that come out than just blowing his head off and going,

yeah, we killed one more person, because I'm telling you now they wouldn't. Aidan, if you'd like to get back at your narrowboat neighbor, maybe just play this bit of the episode on loudspeaker. I'm really glad we've been able to help, Aidan. I think, Aidan, if you want to really fuck up his day, this bit of the podcast, get your beats by Drey Boo, Matt. Play this nice and loud. This all came from docks and bread, man. But do you think, do you think this, even the UK, the UK, all the, the, the Crown prosecution, all of that, do you think it's so entangled with essentially the UK Illuminati, which I think might be not as organized as the,

American version of it. Isn't it all just the same? Yeah, but it's still within the prison system within the, like, do you honestly think they've got control of that so much over here? Because obviously he goes to jail, there are straight coppers. There's people who are trying to get

the truth out of this. Do you not think that they know that there's a potential risk to his life? If there are people who can go, that person isn't in work, so they are, and this person dies, and it just happens. Yeah, there's on, I mean, the two prison gods.

If somebody goes, I'll wait till, if he tells everybody what Charles was up to, then... There's so many people who can just go, they... There's people are so much more powerful than people we know. We just can... Nothing can control things, but... Yeah, of course. I've never been so... Really?

...available to be taken in by sort of shadowy conspiracy theories. Yeah. Because it's like, well, they would... A lot of them were true, because that was happening. So that was all... We know that that was happening. So, like, everything... that you thought about, well, that couldn't be happening because the way that the world works

simply wouldn't allow it. Like, it was. So now you have to open your mind to other possibilities. And I amazed me sort of on a, going back to what we were talking about before, that Kier Starmar got so much flack for employing Peter Mandelson as ambassadors to the United States. It's like, oh, my God, did you know that he was like in with Epstein and like went to, Yeah, that's why he got the fucking job. Why not employ somebody who was also at the fucking parties with Trump? That's good leverage. If Kirstama has anything about him,

the next ambassador to the United States will be Galane Maxwell. Okay, am I the only one with any fucking ideas? Because you go, yeah, I want Greenland. Well, you can't have it. Why? Well, because look at what I know. Fuck off. Shut up, Donald.

I know everything about you. Also, they had Galeen Maxwell interviewed the other day and it wasn't there. It was a double. Honest to God, you might think that's insane. If that's real, that picture, whatever, that isn't the same person? It's just not the same person.

Have you seen that? I know that's, you'd be sound insane right now, like fucking ten-ass. So she's in prison? The picture is it, she got a different face. Right. So who interviewed her? I don't know what, I don't know,

maybe it's a eye, maybe it's something that's been lost in translation. What was it? A police interview. It wasn't like Oprah. Given an episode. It wasn't Oprah. She's a bit busy for that. That's a controversial guest.

So she's actually on Jonathan Ross. She's in prison. She was sat in between Kevin Bridges. That's a different person, isn't it? Like, look at her nose. Prison's not been kind to her. Sex trafficking, Gilein was much more attractive.

Anyway. Yeah. I mean, that's on them. If they get ugly Betty's anti, I'm sure you've all been waiting for us to cover this. We've done it. We'll have a way in style. Zero facts. Nothing but conjecture.

Don't feed the ducks. Watch how he's special. Nothing but conjecture. I love it. No facts, only feelings. The next of years are going to be fascinating. I don't they? I just not think it can get any more fascinating.

It's hurt in my head. Jesse insists on listening. to the newsagents podcast while we go to sleep. And I'm like, can we not, I'm like nodding off. And all I can hear is Emily Maitlis go, a paedophile convicted of rape, 17, a fucking hell. 17 Palestinians were shot to fuck off.

I'm trying to go sleep. There's little speakers that they put in pillows now so you can have individual. Yeah. I think that would be a great gift for her and yourself. I don't like, I try not to listen to podcasts when I fall asleep anymore. I like trying to have my...

You can listen to anything. She can have the newsagery, son. You can have the monster match on repeat. Well, in that case, let's do that. I'd have mad dreams there, you know. And if, Aidan, if you'd like to get back with the narrow boat guy, maybe get him one of those pillows. Don't tell him.

Put it in his bed and play... The monster match on repeat. Celine Dion's greatest hits, and they'll think he's going insane. What a fun way to gaslight somebody. And drive somebody to their ultimate suicide. I honestly hope someone's got to have a word on now and is trying to go to sleep.

And this is what they've put out. If you're trying to go to sleep, maybe there's someone downstairs. All your loving's on. Also, Alexa, set the line for 3am. At last. Oh, ha, ha. He's done it again.

He's done it again. Night, night listener. It's good stuff, but it's done well. Alexa, play gold by Spando Ballet, match volume. Fucking rammers. Night night, visual listener. And if you're listening on audio,

how you get a nice little song. We've got the monster mash. On repeat. No, we've got, we had a load of bands in after we, after I said we were running low. So I'm going to get to them over the next few weeks. This week is a band called Brogat,

which is Welsh for Frog. And this is their tune, a she, which is Y-space R-E-U. and it's electronic rock. Sounds a bit like to me, like the new Casabian stuff or LCD sound system. In Welsh.

That sort of vibe, but it is in Welsh. Great. You don't have to be a band, by the way. You can, like, all new artists. All right, nice. Also, that season two has just dropped. Who? Who?

Mad that season two. Very exciting times and also vibes. Thank you. Episode with John Kudiyak, who just dropped. Please don't give us a like, give us love, share it. It's something that we really cared about. And yeah, I'd like if you go on.

or give it a watch. Mad that on YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, everywhere. Nothing but conjecture. Yeah. Before we break up again with me and Jesse Kaye from Trollied on SkyWan. Now, you could listen to that. You could audio,

you could visually listen to it as well, though. I put it through a rather pleasing lutt before it goes on to YouTube. So they're buttery colours. And, yeah, that's a listen to that, if you would. The clip the other day about a, Jesse saying what she thinks she would have been really good at career-wise if she didn't do comedy. Can I like do a ham-fisted version of it?

Sure. I'd love to see that. Adam Row performs the reels of Jesse Kavan Elvie Brown. Jesse said, I think if I didn't, like I'd always would have been a good like performer, but I don't know whether I should have done comedy. She was like, I always thought like I would have been really good at going into schools and talking about rape.

and Alvey said you'd have to be invited and just acted out having to kick her out yeah no she's said it as in the year date I feel brain get her out

get her out uh uh thanks for listening thanks for watching is that done thanks for having me I really enjoyed my

appearance on the have a word podcast this week bye fuckers