Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #373 with Paddy McDonnell - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: March 23, 2026

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comHAW x Stars In Their Eyes Tickets: https://www.skiddle.com/e/42247092Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukCherry (Live at the M&S Bank Arena): https://finnlayk.lnk.to/CherryArenaAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's new EP: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/AllInYourMindThanks to this week's sponsors:Hello Fresh | https://www.hellofresh.co.uk/HAVEAWORD50Go to https://www.hellofresh.co.uk/HAVEAWORD50 to enjoy an exclusive offer of 50% off your first box, along with a 20% discount for the following one month plus free desserts for life. Alternatively, you can use our code HAVEAWORD50. This special offer is available for new customers as well as those who cancelled their subscription twelve months ago or more.Heights | https://heights.com/haveawordEnter code HAVEAWORD20 at checkout for 20% off your first month!Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Saily | https://saily.com/haveawordDownload SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world.HelloFresh Terms and Conditions: This offer entitles you to 50% off your first box, and 20% off your next seven boxes when ordered in consecutive weeks during your first two months as a HelloFresh customer. One voucher per customer and household. Must be 18 or over. Once redeemed you will be signed up to a flexible rolling weekly subscription. Valid for UK residents only (including Jersey, Guernsey & Isle of Man), excluding Scottish Highlands and Islands. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Time for this week's episode of the Hav-a-Word podcast. Before we get going, tickets are now on sale to a massive podcast music event that is happening on Sunday, the 31st of May in Liverpool. It's going to be a huge Patreon special, Carl, what we're talking about? Stars in their eyes, the classic 90s, naughty game show kind of thing where you go on, you do a bit of singing,

you look like the person, it's just going to be a proper night of real laughs. And I think it's going to be one-on-one, isn't it? We can do this again. This is a pretty special, patron special. I'm really looking forward to it. I know how excited we are behind the scenes. We've got all of the boys you know from the pod.

Johnny Bongo has been announced. There's another four or five pod legends. Let's keep them secret guests. All right, okay. We'll slow release those. What's Wild is, I've been in the meetings where people have been talking about which artists they're going to get makeup done as and perform as.

It's a mental option. Keep start guessing who you think. You think you're going to be wrong, but it's going to be a night you don't want to miss. genuinely. We don't do lots of live stuff with the pod. So the stuff we do, there is special.

It doesn't come much more special than us doing music because you're not going to see that again. The tickets are bought on sale a few days. It's already half sold out. This isn't one you want to sit on your hands with. Stars in the Rise, 31st of May,

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£3,000, you get everything. Come on, watch this and lose, baby. Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn This is the one and only Have a word This episode is brought to you by NordVPN

The very best in protecting your online activity Go Ed, get on me And we are back And old dog dad is back Or new dog dad Adam row ladies and gents Yeah, Adam row Good to be back boys, you know

It was a nice little week's holiday Mishers Did you do anything? Have you not gigs, not potted because of Remedy the Rockweiler? I've been gigging. Oh, right, okay. I had a gig, like a tribute gig for Davy Ash

on Thursday last week. Davy's a comic who started out similar time to me. You know, we did a lot of gigs together early on. We were like mates, acquaintances. Like I didn't get as close to Davy as some of the other Scouse comics did. Which is why I didn't do like any sort of

over-the-top tribute on here because I felt like that would have been a bit disingenuous but terribly sad situation that Davy passed away and there's been a lot of sadness in the comedy scene hasn't there? Like the boys that were on on that show it meant a lot to them and the people there I suppose

so I went and did that show and then I went and hosted Beat the Gong in Stockton you've a bit of that do you? I just I find it fun it's a bit of a ball like going all the way up there and coming all the way back on the same day especially the week, you know, you've got a puppy.

But it was dead fun. A scouse like called Matt Jones. I hope I've got that right, one. And he had this like, you know those sort of bits people do? Like, I know what you're thinking. Like the people they look like. And I had one when I started. I was like, I know what you're thinking.

I look like that brief bog trots of from the children or whatever. I've seen so many variations of that over the years. What was yours? Because you had a Danish Peterfiel teacher. you want a peter file you know no Danish sex offender that was it Peter fire was too

two on the nose sex offender felt fun yeah because sex offender does it's a bit more playful Danish takes the edge off you haven't met one have you and I understand that like obviously there's a million variations on that joke

I know what you think and I look like this but when a comma gets one really right and you haven't seen it yet until they say it. And then maybe they changed their face a little bit. And he had, I won't ruin it at all.

But he really, really made me laugh. And there was a moment. Like, if, I don't know whether he'll ever post the clip or like the gongwill or whatever. Because I'm sat on stage while these. And for those who don't know if you're new to the pod, a gong show is the comics go on.

They're trying to make it to five minutes. There's three people in the crowd who've got a card. If the card goes up, if all three cards go up, they get like, boosted off the stage, essentially. I'm on stage looking for the cards. It's not like Beat the Frog where you sort of sit in the wings.

You're sat, you know, and you've got to... It's the comedy store format of you are very central. Like, it's a big part of the show you being on stage. And you've got to be conscious of it because you've got to react to it. Like, if you just sat there and, you know, checking your phone and blah, blah, blah. You've got to like just be, like, looking for the cards and also watching the show.

And I'm just like watching them. And I'm sort of... Like with every comic, you sort of go and just, you know, smile and giggle away and like whatever and react to the bit. And there's a moment where I realised where he was going with his bit, like as he was in the setup. And I just like, I was like, oh, this is going to be so funny. And I realized I was doing this. And then I was conscious that I was. And when he got to the punch night, it was great.

And he was such a deserving winner. But yeah, I don't mind hosting a little gong show. Yeah, I love it when I, uh, especially if you're high visibility. if the crowd know you're there when something really gets you and you lose it. I think that helps him win, doesn't it? Because the crowd goes, oh, fucking admirates him.

With Beat the Frog, if you ever looked up at the crowd, there'd always be someone seeing how you were reacting. It's not, you're not, like you're in the audience kind of to the side, but you're very much on show. So you were aware of like,

you can't be scowling, which sometimes kind of wanted to. Because that's the thing with new comedy, there's a bit of shit, there's some real talent, there's exciting moments. There's a couple of good comics on, like, a couple of good acts who will go on to be decent comics if they stick out of it, but

like the winner was like head and shoulders above the rest on the night. By the way, that doesn't feel like much of a compliment, but it defo is. When you're starting out and you're doing your first like few gigs, if someone who's good goes, yeah, you keep out of it, you could be a pretty decent comic.

Doesn't feel like much of a compliment. It's, that is all you're trying. That's the first rung you're trying to get to when you're a new comic. Did you ever do that then when you were hosting? Did you ever like put people on to other gigs like just to be sound and like... He did that for me. The first couple of times he see, like the first

time he's seeing me do really well, he put me into like four or five gigs. He was represented by a guy called Lee at the time who basically booked half of the Northwest comedy scene and that was sort of like a bit of a gateway yeah like if you were doing their gigs

other people are like are you working for him well you can work for me so he put me in with him I said sign him as well nobody listen he also yeah it's fucking it was class

Al Quay same not maybe I remember the first gig first couple of gigs I saw you it's you can't sign I mean you could maybe but

circuit agents want to get axed to get work. There is some experience you need to garner before an agent's going to start throwing you out for work and you're going to be able to do

the first time I saw you, you were doing like 10, weren't you? Yeah. You're very raw. I remember seeing Rob Moore Holland maybe a six months a year in. You're like, there's certain acts that very quickly get to the point

where, well, you should be getting work. And then I'd start recommending you because genuinely I just thought, I'd rather have these on the bill than that fucking hack that I've been working with since 2010. to just made me sad to turn it to gigs. I'd rather work with a, like, a young act that's developed it.

There's been a few times where Dan sort of vouched for me at different stages of, like, early on, he got me a couple of gigs. Then at one point he's like, he should be signed. And then a few years ago, there was twice, two different clubs, and we must have spoke about this on the pod. There was once at the Froggin Bucket, and Colin, who's the sound tech and the feedback guy at the Frog and Bucket, who I absolutely love and is also a miserable old bell end.

Part of the fun of him. Yeah, that's why I love him. Like, I asked them about a year ago to show me his original feedback for me. And it was so horrendous. And we were just laughing about it. But I was doing a middle and Dan was closing. And after I came off and, like, in the break before Dan went on, after me before Dan went on.

In front of me, Dan was like, what's the point to have him in the middle, just have him headlining, Colin in front of me, and this is how blunt and fine he is where people, you know,

knowing what he thinks of them. It's just like he's not ready for that. Like, he shouldn't be, and Dan was like, shut up. Like, just put, like, pull him to close and just watch

because he's better than half the people you'd have here. About four months later, I was given one spot to headline and they made sure it was on a night that Dan was hosting to be like sort of your, like,

on your head. On your head beer. and I had a really great set afterwards and he walked in the green room afterwards and was like, ah, he's just not ready, is he? He just doesn't have the material yet. Fucking joke.

And another time was at the Glee and this was actually funny because the other Comic-Con I won't name him. I don't even know if he'd remember this, but this was in Cardiff. And there was the compere,

I was opening, which the Glee Club, weirdly in the UK, do it in a non-traditional way they technically have the newest act open, then the newest act to them open. The middle is sort of a similar level to the opener, but like, is someone who's been working for them a bit longer, and then the headliner is the headliner. And I was opening because I was sort of the newest act to them.

And I think Laura, I think this was before you had kids, I think Laura had been on holiday and was getting back that night. And you were like, oh, this was on the Friday night. the Saturday. Laura was getting back from Holliday and you were like, could I just go on earlier tomorrow and go home? And the guy who was the show manager was like, oh, there's no other, there's no one else on the bill

capable of headlining and you went, Adam is. And the other comic who'd been in with them longer was in the room while this is happening. Dan was like, no, he is. And they were like, no, we just don't know about that. And Dan was like, just honestly, just let him close. And they swapped it on the Saturday and let me close. And after both of those things happened,

I've never not been booked to close the Gle or the Frog since. You know what he was talking about? Sometimes promoters are a bit like, I don't know, like championship football managers. They've got like this system that they don't mess with. Comics are a much better judge of who's good at stand up. Yeah.

Because they can see what's working and what's not. Like there's loads of promoters who are like, well, I don't know about this new guy because this guy's worked for me for 15 years. You're like, but he's never been better than a C plus. Just get the newer guy on. You're one of my first ever, like, dates.

I didn't make dates, Erika, was to see you. And I dragged her there. What? I, I, you were in the crown. She hated you? She didn't, no, not him. She didn't know you, obviously. You were in the crown upstairs.

You were doing just your show. Can't remember what it was. It was just you, though. Wow. And I went, I'm got, we're going here to see Dan night. I was like, just trust me, you'll have the fucking best night. And what genuine of our first date is to see you. It's not mental.

It's absolutely mad that you didn't mention that at your wedding when he married. I know you're married. I think I'm sure I did in me in my speech. In fact, I definitely did, I remember my little bit about Dan, I mentioned that. But yeah,

and then matter, and now we do Pilates together. Now we do, that's fought in us hard one of it. Have you ever done reform of Pilates? Yeah, yeah, that's three times week, four times weeks.

You've done reformed Pilates? It hurts your heart. No, it's not. It's like you've been, I've never been punched there, but I imagine. Is that what that is? Yeah.

I think he does. think he men's solar plexes. She suplexed me. Sarah can suplex me. That show could have been better. It hit you rock bottom, don't it? Right. You're stone cold Steve Austin,

me. In air, it's still, don't it? I mean, it's gone now, but like, wow. And, listen, this is going to... It's a bit gay, but it's so good. And that isn't, you know... There is a thing where you have to... As your legs are going around, like, you're a dirty girl.

Woo! there is a bit where you've got to get over your own toxic masculinity and go this is... It's quite a feminine exercise class. From the inside, it feels pretty feminine. You know when you're in the birth in permission and a woman called...

Permission. Permission for the birth. I don't have it. I'd like to give it on my ally. It's a... It humbles you fast. Yeah. Dan works out a lot. I mean, look at him.

And he was like, oh, I'm struggling at some bits. Yeah. There's some of the leg thing that... Surely there's some people who are just natural to it though? There you go. There's a picture of you on the wall.

And she went, he's banned because he'll make him a lot bad. I'll just know. You just get a sense. He's like, the prophecy is Adam. He can't let him. He's at three, you're on these bits of equipment.

He'll break them because of the strength. You know, because some people are built different. I was like, have you listened to the podcast? And she's like, no, I can tell. You know? Listen, I'll glaib. She literally saw a picture. You know, I went, ban him.

He might ruin it. All the women that turn up, they'll just squirt everywhere. And then, you know, there's damp in the equipment. It's just a smart business move, in it, from their point of view. I'm trying to do it, but Adam's here. Permissions are... Would you do a little triple date with us then?

If you had to do you want? Absolutely love to. Yeah. It'd have to be something else because there's only five machines. You know, triple date, six people, obviously. I don't need a machine. It's got... You're not doing it then?

As I say, you don't need bike to go on the bike then? I love saying. It's not talking to through it. Just Adam on the phone with his likes, yeah. Piece of piss. It's got Patreon. special segment does it

written all over. Are you not taking are you taking it up? Are you either of you? I do it regularly. Seneca does it weekly but it's really difficult to get a space

and you have to do a private lesson for us. Jilly Warnes the gym in Wilton? Fitness for all. It's nice for nice and fit nice in it. I can see that for you long term

he said Walton he went well he walked I was like we are long way from you fucking idiot we're not Walton

you're not scouts you stupid Colton! Walter! Are you mad? Where's the prison, Dan? Fucking hell. Walton prison. Fucking lovely.

He's got a preso. Lai Lackackie was there. Walton Pilates! Moron. It is quite funny. The difference is start. Yeah, they're the most different areas of any

city in the world, I think. Yeah. I mean, Walton's got, you know, salt to the earth people, good people. But, like, got family, you know what, you're trying to get elected to the council? Oh, these are good people. These are good people.

Carl, covering us Walton fan base there. I don't want to offend the lids in Walton. I'll call witness a bunch of fucking idiots all day. But Walton, yeah. Walton's where, are we going to Walton for the drink? Going the elephant. But yeah, I'd be bang up for a bit of Pilates. You say that, but I met an Everton fan in the Sainsbury's there wasn't.

You met a disabled person? Yeah, I did, yeah, yeah. That's right. Just at the counter in Stainsbridge because we got there a little there. He was like, Halho, think we're going to do better than the reds this year.

Do you think? They're not doing good, Hardy. I was like, no. And he had an Everton top on, an Everton scarf on. An Everton top. An Everton hat, a scarf. And he was like, yeah,

they're not doing good. I think we're going to do very well. I went, oh, are you in Everton from? He went, yeah. You know, that wasn't the mayor of Waltonville? I don't know. is the only person I spoke to, apart from some fucking massacist

that was hurting me with reformer polarities. And then he went, who's this, your daughter? And Laura loved him. It's a good line, isn't he? Yeah, yeah. Unless he follows it up with something like,

and she sucked him off. I'm like, stop sucking disabled people off, but she, you know, she loves to give back. What are they given to her? Walton, anyway. Wulton? Well, yeah, we'll do like a yaw

with a sutting together in a special day. Maybe next and day. Yeah, but I'd just like to start going, as well. Apparently it's really good for you, I do it, being a bit more flexible. It's incredible for you if you can do it. Sweaty yoga's the neck.

We're going to return serving you. We're going to come to Chester and we're going to do hot pod yoga like a bunch of lizards. Class. But yeah, the next day the doms is real, isn't it? Your body doesn't really want to wear. Well, I bought all the ones that I was finding hard.

Because Laura was like, oh my God, I'm making it all over. I was like, I did 70% and then when I'm not here to get, like, I don't want to be fucked up. You're choked up then. It's all right, that 70% is bad enough. Um, so to answer your original question that we've gone on a billion tangents from, like I've done a couple of gigs, but I've basically spent 10 days with Zipupy. Dog daddy.

Okay. Um, but so far, so good. He's bit me leg. But apart from that, so good. Bit your legs and bites are like... Puppies are a bit nippy, aren't they? Yeah. They are, yeah.

He's absolutely flying. So when we fit... I talk my little brother to pick him off. It's a good dog, that they are. I talk my little brother to pick him all. And when we got back, I had his crate set up like in front of me sideboard,

the sideboard. And, uh... I thought you had eight. No. You've only got one sideboard. Yeah, but it's a fucking... Bang. It's a bang of me.

There's sideboard on that? The only reason I bought the house. I wouldn't say it in Walton. Um... Got throw a bit of soil on Walton now. He went right behind the crate under the side. Boredom was like, I don't know where they are. Don't really know who you two are.

Not too happy about this. Just going to sit here. So I moved the crate to... Because you think you've adopted him. He thinks he's been abducted. Well, he has been abducted. Yeah. So I moved the crate and I was immediately like,

oh, that looks better there, actually, anyway. So that can stay there. And then he sort of started snoozing straight away under the thing. So I just picked them up and put him in his crate. And I think that little decision has been the absolute key

to everything because he now absolutely loves her in there. Right. So like, I've read and watched every fucking video you can on puppies and specifically Rotweiler puppies. Like,

they're meant to sleep between 18 and 20 hours a day. Oh, what a life. It's good, in it. So he gets up at like 7 a.m. I take him out of, for a person of shit and then he has his breakfast play with him for about 20 minutes

and he goes back in the crate and he's asleep for an hour or an hour and a half then back up a little bit of play a little bit of training he's doing dead well like he's not even 10 weeks yet

and he knows his name come like to me not just wow don't be teaching him that day he knows touch like he'll touch his nose to my hand he knows

um place like to his bed and he knows um crate as well. He's like that's fairly ahead of his He's a little bit selective with his obedience But that's normal He gets up, does a bit of training

And then we have a little play He plays with his toys, Tug-a-War And then he goes back asleep And he literally sleeps For every 45 minutes he's awake He sleeps for an hour, an hour and a half And then when he goes down at night Like about 10, 11 o'clock

The last few nights we've done 11 So for the first like four or five nights we were putting him in bed at 10, waking him up at half one to go for a wee, waking him up again at 5 to go for a way, and then just getting him up for his day at 7 a.m. The last couple of nights, we've tried to make it, so it's only one wake in the middle of the night. So he's gone to bed to sleep at 11.

Alex has got up with him at 3, and then I've woke him up at 7 to start his day. It's a bit like having a baby. Yeah. Studies suggest it's a lot harder for the first 3 to 6 months than having a child. Finn Taylor said that. Finn Taylor's got a dog on a child. He said the puppy was more difficult at the start. But he's doing dead well.

I tell you what, though, you talk about femininity and the homophobic who usually might get for Pilates. Pushing a dog in a pram. Hey, I've had quite the few DMs going, what's this, lad? What the fuck he's doing that for? Fucking he?

He's fucking gay, fucking pram, fucking dog, your little bender. Well, they're not allowed to walk on the floor until they've been fully vaccinated, so. The pram's a choice. The pram's a choice. No, I had Wallace in a carrier.

Like, it was just, isn't too big for the carrier. Yeah, that's true. You can't touch the floor. Bag for life, minimum. Yeah. A trolley. Like, he'll go in a sling.

That's the Walton version. He's got a little sling. Now I took him to the club in. You've got a papoose. He's got a little sling. Yeah, like a papoose. Sort of, yeah. So I can carry him in that,

but he gets a little bit wriggly where he's in the stroller. He's fine. But I think the mistake a lot of people make, especially when they're getting a big dog, is they go, oh, he can't go out until he's fully vaccinated, by which point he'd be about 14 weeks. By then, you've missed six weeks of his socialisation window

to the point where he should have had six weeks of being out and seeing things and knowing the cars and motorbikes and kids walk past and, like, that's a smell. And like, oh, there's a dog, but I ignore it. It's just going to make your life easier when you want to go and do those things in eight weeks because he's already doing them. He's like, yeah, there's no free cap.

He's been for a couple of coffee shop runs. He came the pub last night. night he's picked it Alex up from work with me a couple of times and he's a little bit nervous but like when we first got him if someone come to the house and like went to say hello to him like staying Holly came round and Carl's been round as well he's a little bit nervous wasn't he?

That was night one though I came so totally but like already like if people come in now he's like oh you're right yeah like and he's not like running to them but he'll chill in his little bed and then if I'm like go on he'll go over and he's salmon him he's doing dead dead well very very very very happy. And this weekend we've got a couple's trip away. So we made Gina from Zoe's places

looking after him for the weekend. From Liverpool Foundation, of course. She has gone to the LFC Foundation. Big move this week. That's a good friend to come and babysit a full-time 48-hour still. So what happened was, we found them and was like we want them.

And then we had this weekend in. And not only do we have this couples trip booked in where Carl and Sarah come on holidays, see you coming, Harry and Eddie coming, Will and Fiona coming. Alex, my missus, organised it.

She put it all together. And I know Will's took time off work and Will's the busiest person on the planet. Like everyone's going to know we're going away. So we couldn't cancel that weekend away because it's just not right. So I told a couple of people, I think we're getting this dog,

including Gina, who's the biggest dog lover, I know, even more than R Jack and Carl. She's just obsessed with them. You like volleying them, don't you? Football to you. So I was like, I asked a load of vets. I was like, can I take him on this weekend away

as long as I keep them on the grounds of the Airbnb that was staying on? And they were like, you can, but it is a risk. And it's a risk where if it doesn't work, he's going to get very ill and maybe die. And I was like, well, that's not happening. So I was talking to Gina about the dog, and I was like, yeah, I don't think the timing's going to work. We might have to, like, delay.

and get another puppy after we've been for this because we've organised him. And she was like, you're fucking joking, you're getting that dog and I'll look after him for the weekend. Then a couple of nights ago, I was like, ah, he's doing so well, he's made all this progress.

Am I going to ruin it by sending him away? And I've looked into it, and apparently, based on how he is, how he's been on the couple of times he's already met here, it could actually be really great for him. Yeah, to do places you know is to be nice somewhere else. Well,

what he's learning right now is, Everyone I get introduced to properly is safe. Everyone is okay. And it should benefit them. Well, my daughter's got to meet this dog because when you got Remy and posted some pictures and then sent me a couple, I showed Etta. And it was like a visceral reaction.

She went, I need me dead dog. It was like almost a little bit demonic. The nine-year-old girl like, I need to get me some dog. so we're coming at some point. She has to... Wallace is going to meet him today. Yeah, he's coming in as we finished today.

I have a fucking straightener. New family member. You're going to look after him, Wally? Well, he'll look after him. Remy's already bigger than him. Bemi's twice the way to Wally. Yeah, but isn't in the whole pecking order, that doesn't matter, does it?

I think in six months when it's in Pez and Remy, I think Wallace will be like, yeah, you take this, boys. I'll just sit here and shout. He's met Pez a couple of times. He's met Pinter. Alfie's dog.

Nice. Piac. Can we ask what happened with the half marathon? I feel like I want to know. I owe you under quid. That's what happened. Yeah.

And I will give you there. I know a man of me bet. I know you're good. I know you're good for it. Yeah. You know? I know prams don't cost that much. So it is what happened.

I didn't run it. Yep. We noticed. Combination. Of? Combination. Of. Of.

no training, which I was genuinely fine with. I would have ran it without training. It would have been better if you'd have done some, but you knew that you could have... Yeah, yeah, okay. I knew I could do it. Even if it took me ages.

So I was like, right, it's not ideal, but I'll crack on. Even right now, just at the end of pretty shit, cough and chest infection. And I was like, do you know what? This really isn't good, but the arrogance in me

and the competitiveness was like, I'm still doing it. You're not bedridden, but you're not 100%. But the first four nights of having him, I woke up twice a night and just every morning was just like not slept at all. Right. And I was just like, I mean, I collapsed last time

after quite a lot of training. I was like, this is just fucking stupid. So the day before the half marathon, I made the decision and I just was like, I owe down it 100 quid. Can I just say that's a very moderate, like, excuse for not doing it? I thought you were going to go full, like,

my knees exploded. I've got, you know. What you're doing with the one at that? Invest in it. Yeah. Yeah. Put it on Liverpool to win the Champions League and FA Cup double.

Okay. Wise. How good is that looking? It's a good investment. I'll take that bit. I'll take whatever odds you get in with that bucky. I'll double. Have you got PSJ in the next round?

Have you been called out of tonight? Yeah, but we've played them before, so we know what's coming. Well, getting beat. You might be out by them. Yeah, funny. Let's have a break and we will come back with some correspondence.

And we are back. Questions? Oh, sorry, Carl. I apologise. I've got a new camera. Where is that really bother me? What is it? What is it?

Where is it? Carly says, question for you, Lids. 70 grand a year, but a man has to watch you sleep every night. Are you taking it? No. I'd take it. Depends what man.

Oh yeah, I suppose you need to... Tax-free. Is it a random man? We all have very different issues there, didn't we? No. Who is it? Actually. Yeah, is it, too?

I think it needs to be someone with a non-threatening outline. Louis Spence. Yeah. What? He's not a rapist. He'd look after you. He wouldn't bum your head in just because he's gay. Oh, what, what?

No one said that. He said Louis Spence for the reason. That's not all fucking... Does it? I just meant because he's annoying. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, is he, like, scatting in that while you're trying to sling everywhere. He's being Louis Spence.

No, he's not sitting there quietly. Yeah, he's silent, isn't it? He doesn't appreciate... No, I wouldn't do it for a million billion. I can't believe that's really. You're on Edwin. Carl, it does, he's right. It does increase your chance of having gay sex.

Of course it does. Having anyone in the room increases it. No, I'm not. If it's a woman. A woman. That's a good point. If he's quiet, it's fine. I mean, he is loud, didn't he?

If anyone's doing that, if he's trying to sleep, but he don't do it all that. Wow. Wow. Wow. Whoa. She is.

Impressions called her. Got a fucking Louis Spence. To go along with your world-class Brian Bedouling. Spent six years! Wow, six years. Nine nice. I'm asleep. Wow.

Yeah, I don't want him in my room. No, I think whoever the man is, they have to, all of the only one is watching, yet they're not Louis Spence in a boat. 70 grand a year, he's there every night. You get to pick the man. It's not just a random... My dad.

My dad. Oh, good night, sweet prince. Would that be your first choice? Do you need sleep night one? Can he be... No, I chat to him, man. What? Can I dismiss him and not get the money?

He only comes in whilst he's sleeping. Are you using this as a tool to just have a chat with your dad and then tell him to fuck off? Keep your money. Back to Spain. The magic genie would have to do it and I'd be like, what's happening, lad? Sit on them. Get out of yours. This has been such a waste of time.

You know? I now have to get the transport back in the middle of the night. This is very... Can I sleep on the couch? No? You actually fucking can't. Be cat sleep down there. Off cuns.

Fuck off. Will you validate packing? No? Validate that? Living at NCB. No, you don't. Stupid things, doesn't it? Yeah, either me dad or, like, I don't know, Dion Dublin.

The big two. Yeah. He seems like a gentle giant. He knows where the stairs up to the bedroom are. Whip it out, mate. Go on. Fid. He's up into the bedroom.

I haven't got Dion Dublin. Apart from playing his jube or whatever it is. Yeah. He's on an interesting. In a musical instrument called the jube. Am I all right? Who's not all right? Someone's not all right.

Because Dionne Dublin has not invented an instrument called a jube. It's like a square drum. It's like a small tuba. The jub. A former cahom. He played with, you ready for this, Dan? He's former, Dan. In 2011, Dionne Dublin accompanied ocean color scene during a gig on the jube.

I know no more. It's essentially a little square kohon. It's the cube. What's a kohon? It's the kubis sit on if they're doing like an acoustic gig. It doesn't invent that. It's a bangy box. No, but it's not.

Look, it's got Union Jacks on it. It's the jubes. Oh, it's racist. He doesn't sit on it. Is it sure for Jubilee? Is that why the... I think it's short for Dion Jubilee. Dion Jubilee.

His name is... What name is... We've been saying it wrong. Everyone should have a minute. Finn. Say that again with no distractions. I think it's short for Dion Jublin. We've been saying Dion's name wrong.

No, his nickname was Jublin. He's Jublin. Like Meeks for Mick and Hitchards. He was known as Jubbs. I reckon that could be quite soothing to sleep. He's just playing like softly. Deon Dublin playing the bottom nose in your bedroom to sleep. If he tailed it off as you sort of...

Yeah, like a fade. By the way, he's got one, but he's not doing it. He's bitterly. Dion Jublin? Adam. 11 in the roof. absolutely not problem he's a safe he's a safe pair of hands David seaman he's not but is it just footballers

is it what football do you want to watch your sleep okay then um Benjjarni no you just be pointing but we touch the light twitch all the time you're like like like fucking Eric prittig in here can you stop doing now Louis spencer just sat there silently but Ben Jari can't help but do his celebration my army's hurting I think if they're silent

you'd get over it. 70,000 pound a month, a lot of money, man. 7,000 pounds for a year. Yeah. Yeah? How much has had a month? Do the maths? They don't...

They have to be quiet. I need to go to bed. You can't be just doing Louis Spence for eight and a half hours. It's not Louis Spence. No. No, what's doing that? Just distracting.

I think Ben Johnny could work because he could just count sheep. Then he'd go. Lovely. Really nice. Perfect. How is your dad the best option here? This,

genuinely, just an old Spanish dude going, he's okay, that night. I think you'd want to protect there, wouldn't you?

Like Joe Carl Zaggy or something? You'd, just in case someone comes in your room. Joe Calzagi's in your room? No, but Joe Carl Zaggie, I trust Joe Kalsagie with me life.

If Joe Kalsaggie came into your bedroom, so it wouldn't be like, oh, I don't think you want a boxer, especially one with such a glittering career, like Joe Alzagi. Because what? I'm a big fan of Joe over here.

Unbelievable boxing. One of our beat and one of our greatest. Sorry, I didn't realize we were all big fucking Joe Calzany. I'm in the Calzone, mate. I'm in the Calzone. I'm in the Calzoni. My dad's got a sign picture of Joe Calzagia in his house. Flex. Don't he miss the Joe Carlzaggy episode?

He's an absolute legend. He didn't say he wasn't, but wow. He's a lot of 10 boxes of all time. Welsh as well. Yeah. That doesn't take away. If anything that adds, does it.

Yeah. It makes Ryan get worse. What you've got to think. What you've got to think is what if one of the the people he bested during his career. Holyfield. If Roy Jones is trying to get in your bedroom. Junior, that's a night, yeah.

And often, often in a rematch, the person who lost the first one, you know, for the story, they get their comeback, don't they? So what you don't want is Roy Jones, Jr. in your room, having knocked out Joe Kalsaggy and hungry for more.

It's a real worry. You don't want a massive middleweight boxing rematch in your bedroom, especially when you're not, when you're trying to get off, trying to get off. Oh, I'm trying to get off. Oh, yeah, what happens when you want a little fucking little tommy? While you're sleeping. Oh, that's awful. You're not chained Joe Galzaggy.

Yeah, you can go, I'm not sleeping, yeah, I need a wanko and fucking rearrange me cups. Oh, no, then he's it. Then I've got Joe Galzagie in their house, just wandering around. And Laura's like, really. Goes a bed, damn. Joe Hasaggy's in the kitchen again. Laura, what's happened me? Can you get Joe Kalsagi out of the kitchen?

Making toasties with his gloves on. Shadowbox. Like a fucking hero, because he's an absolute icon of British sport. All right. Can I? One of the Lennox Lewis from him? And he's not one of the most intimidating boxers.

You could have someone scary than that. Lennox Lick, Mike Tyson. Usick's scarier than Joe Kalsagi watching your sleep. They're both technically brilliant, but one is a British hero. But you look at Joe Kalsaggy and you... One is a staple of British sport

in the last 30 years. He seems quite friendly, Joe Carl. Oh, until you get him in the ring, man. Isn't he half a time? And then he'll unpick you, take you to bits. Warwick Davis? No, Joe Carl's like a good swat Warwick Davis. No, you've lost sight of the question, then.

Oh, sorry. I want to watch it. Honestly, if you were like, right, you're going to bed. Joe Cal's like, he's just Blair witching while you're having a wank, because he's like that. Don't worry about it, Dan. Crack one out. And then he turns around.

I'd much rather Warwick Davis Bowserick Davis Bowsonis I'd rather Wollick Davis His segue'd keep you up He doesn't go No, he's sat down I don't

No, he's gonna get to that bit Yeah Like, and you've got to get that up the stairs You've got to help Warwick Davis up the stairs He can walk Why you're disabling Warwick Davis No, because he goes around on the Not upstairs

Oh, that's what I'd do I don't think his house has stairs I'd make it so it was Wollick Davis and I buy a pencil. Google that. Does he walk David's house upstairs? No, God. What do you mean?

He's got, he doesn't live in a bungalow. He's able-bodied. He can walk. Yeah, but not up steep stairs. Oh, yeah. He don't steep stairs. Yeah.

You can't do stairs. How do you think children climb stairs? Um, with help. With difficulty. I mean, he's also... Do they? Maybe you need them. He's...

What? Warwick Davis's house is massive. It's a massive bung. Maybe he's compensating for something. Small legs. Small legs. You want to say about small socks? Small legs.

Seven bed mansion. Well done, Warwick. With a cinema room. He'd be perfect. And also, I reckon he'd be good at reading audiobooks, put your sleep. Oh, yeah, but everything's just willow, isn't it? Oh, so you could have, like, Stephen Fry. And he just reads you.

He reads your... Just a bit of Wayne Harry Potter. Preferred Joe Kalsaggy. Joe Kalsagi reads Harry Potter. You've got to rule Joe Kalsagi out in case any vengeance comes upon your room. You need a pacifist.

You need a pacifist. Willow. You need like the Archbishop of Canterbury or something. No, because then what if like a... It could be in here. It wouldn't know. What he looks like? Edward Snowden.

His outfit's mad. He wears the big hat. Oh, he has to wear the outfit. That's the whole bit. Right, yeah. Edward Snowden. Also, the Archbishop of Canterbury is, that's Catholic, isn't it? No.

No? No, but the other one. What's the other one? Church of England. I don't know. I had a gamble Catholic as well. Oh, no. It's not, mate, this is a C of E country.

So, you pay pissed. The thing is, obviously, he's probably a nice, chill man, probably. Yeah. But there could be like people from rival religious sects who want to kill. Catholic, Jews, Muslims, Sikhs. So there's a religious royal rumble in your room. They're constantly trying. I don't know if you know this about the Archbishop of Canterbury.

He's always being trying to take out. Because the Hindus are like, if we're just killing. Then we are the religion of England. That's how that works. It's like a wrestling belt. I don't know. I don't say. Have a big religious royal rumble.

We need someone clean with no-ops. Like a national treasure? Judy Dent. Oh, that's a woman. Oh, you can't put. But Judy Densche, mate. Oh no, no. I meant Helen Mirren.

Like an art number? And again, it's the same problem. It's the, Judy Densh is the same problem as the artery because you might get Muslim-E-Densch on the way and then trying to kill it. Hang on. Two seconds.

I didn't even see it coming. Beautiful. At somebody? No, he's got no hops. How do you can breathe to you? No, you can hear him breathing. And he's big animals in your own. Yeah, he'd probably have a fucking whale with him or something.

Fucking ammo in here. Who we going with him? my dad can't be the only option surely someone a national treasure older calmer Marco Pierre White

what he's fuming and covered in olive oil isn't he French as well in case you fancy toast in the night or something isn't he French no sounds he made Gordon Ramsey cry

he gave us Michelin Stars back him he had loads of Michelin Star restaurants Marco Pierre White or like at least one anyway and he just was like you can have that back and they were like what you doing and he was like fucking who are you to tell me how to cook fuck off nice documentary corner have you watched the golden mom's documentary on Netflix yeah just about his but it was opening his new guy it's sick it's really really really good

no no no it's about him opening his new gaff in the boss it's it's good oh fuck me fuck me it's all he says fuck me we can we go with marco pierre white who we go I don't know it. Who's that? The other chef, he's like just as angry, if not angry, than Gordon Ramsey. Long hair.

Long hair. He looks like if Stephen Seagal turned to tune and instead of Kung Fu. That's how everyone describes him. Have you seen that Stephen Segal is like black in all his films now? No. He like talks in jive and all his films

and he's all like ex-special ops but he's like 300 pounds. He's a busy in he as well? He's been a busy on. the side for like fucking 20 years. Yeah. Talks like a fly-ma-jama-jama. Antony Warnall Thompson.

No, he'd be pissing. No, he'd bring the cheese. No, he'd bring the cheese, no, he'd be pissing. I know, I've got it confused. Did he do a, he did a piss somewhere bad? Is that him? He's a chef. I think he's thinking of Paul of Agliff

and it was poo John Romanovon. I don't think there's an answer then, because everyone's got religious ops or who'll bring whales with them. I'll tell you who will bring whales with him. Joe Kalsaggy. And the rest of the rest of them. of the United Kingdom.

An unbelievable fighter. That is the answer, isn't it? Yeah, it's my answer. I don't joke how Zaggy, he might as he got his top off? Can I pick someone dead? They've got to be dead in your room. Yeah? Who?

Walt Disney. Because he's... Because he's... Not because he's antsy's murder. Because he's frozen and he won't stink. He's got ops though, what he? Is he actually frozen? Yeah, he's frozen under, like,

I thought that was like a myth. No, no, no, no. If you go on the end, he's gonna join drive, you can see his head for half a second. He's the crystal skull. No, he's frozen. And yeah, he has got enemies,

but he's already dead. What are they gonna do to it? Hang on, so you're putting a freeze in your bedroom and putting a dead Walt Disney in it before you put Dave with Atomden in it because he might bring a whale with him. He just might be like talking to the fucking animals in the fucking trees in there.

Oh, he's just gonna be dead old. I'm in bed and all that and he's just going, hello, little squirrel come over here, your little can't or whatever he's, I don't watch him. Close the blinds. Just also in night time, you can't see squirrels in the trees.

Direct to British wildlife, David Attenborough. Here we are. A fucking squirrel. They did a London one. They have done that. Recently. They did David Attenborough. But you just let him retire.

Just let him fucking retire. But it's like watching like rats and like the, the, uh, what's it fucking called? Grids? Sewers. Sueers. reason he's not dead

because he hasn't retired they might have to give him life. You just roll him out. The Attenborough, the Attenborough family like, come on Uncle David. Say it's a squirrel. Thank you, Sky One.

Let him have a fucking lie down. A sky one there? Yeah, they're giving the money. Thank you, Sky One. The BBC, like, this is immoral. We can't keep making this 182-year-old. We're right. I don't know.

Don, have you not heard the theory with men? That when they stop, they die. that's science isn't it oh you mean working no when they get basic so when they lose their thing purpose their purpose so my god that's driving no really worried about he really shouldn't he really shouldn't be because it's his thing he's 85 no but he does love driving and my mum's like he needs to stop I'm like well he wouldn't probably see the end of the year

and that's just a fact because as soon as you lose like your mobility and your kind of your purpose and so if you just is he just on roads or is he going to track meets or Losing an F1 driver. Oh, he's an F1 driver. Oh, well. I'll tell you from personal family experience, you lose certain things, bowling.

Your granddad was like Cloud. Attenborough's age, wasn't he? Yeah, he was, yeah, yeah. Would he have been up for, like, for my granddad, honestly, for my granddad, once Joe Kowazagi retired, he'd lost his purpose. He's like, if I can't watch that great British legend,

the pride of Britain and Wales, yeah, fight. What's the point? And then he down. Maybe just love the cricket. Yeah. I think you genuinely quite like boxing as well. But yeah, men, like, often, like, if their wife dies,

a couple of weeks later, they just fucking go, don't they? You know, statistically, women are so much better being widows than men are being widowers. Absolutely. Like a much larger percentage of women go, I know he's dead, but it's fucking sound because they can, you know, look after themselves and... Yeah, because their life doesn't change too much when the fellow dies. Because you get easier.

Yeah, whereas when the fellow... Ler loses his wife. He's lost his fucking job. He doesn't have to put up with that anymore. So he's like, oh, I can finally relax. And he's dead. You've relaxed too much. Would you ever do it like a couple's suicide pact?

Not suicide pact, but like, if one... That's the worst question ever asked on this podcast. If, you know, if one... Like, I've said this earlier, I'm like, I think if you go, I'll just... I'll just lob myself off a building. Oh, I say that, yeah? Yeah, yeah.

But I don't mean it. But I do mean. What, like, now? Or, like, when you're, like, 90? I think anything over 40 I think I'd do it I think we could just leave you for a week 40 I get it if you spend 20 odd years with Ellie and then she fucking dies on a tentative attack

he's gonna off himself I'm not why I'm not pulling anyone better you've lost your fucking you've lost your thing and I can't do the I don't know how to work the washing machine so I'd be in smelly clothes he's that Harry is the embodiment of the statistic of the guy who becomes a widow and he's like where's me I can't where's the

and starts like, like starving to death and can't wash his underpants. If one of your lovely partners passes away, like it will be absolutely devastating. Oh, two episodes off for me. Don't kill yourself. Just find some new pussy, man. Or don't.

At 40s. Is that what you got to? Or cock. Try cock of 40. Did you run down find any new pussy? Or cock? Hang on. Just need to steady myself.

Because I will play this game, but I just, couldn't immediately go into it. I'm just going to take a breath and go, my grand died in 2001. So he clocked on another... That wasn't... 22, 23.

Yeah, it wasn't... Wasn't like how many? What month? September. Shit. I know. Yeah. She didn't know how to fly a plane.

It was her fault. It was in England somewhere. Just a coincidence. Shit. We asked her to just join a knitting club, but she was like, I don't know. Al-Qaeda seems more fun. But then, you know, that was him out.

That was him out. But then he had, you know, then he just got to move his lazy boy right in front of the TV. In fact, he got to buy a lazy boy. So he was like, oh my God, I miss her so much. Fucking dropped 800 quid on a lazy boy.

His living room was incredible. It was just his TV, and it was like a meter away. And he was just like... It's like a quarter of a century just chilling. Yeah, paid for the full sky package that he probably wasn't allowed before that.

But he wasn't shagging. Really struggling with this one. If he was, he kept it really quiet. You know, good for him. A silent lover. In my head, when you said lazy boy, I thought you meant lazy Susan. And in my head, he was just rotating in front of the tally.

That was his thing. That was his kink. Spend for me, bitch. What was his name? Did he have a cool name, did he? Leonard. Leonard. Oh, no, that was my other granddaughter.

Nana and granddaughter on that, on my mum's side. What was his name? Len and Freda. But my, Bob, Bob Nightingale. Yeah, cool as far. Do you have a go by Bobby? So you had Granddad Robert as well?

What? You had granddad Robert? Oh, yeah. Oh. Yeah. He's never Robert, though. He was never, yeah, Rob. There's only one Robert, Robin.

It was Bob. It was Bob Knight ago. Bit of a legend. A bit of a grumpy old fuck at the end, you know, but he was 97. You're allowed to be. Yeah. Plus, you know.

Susan wasn't doing all she could. No pussy since 9-11, man. That was his test. That's how he never forgot. That's me done. So we're going with Joe Calzaggy. Yeah, Joe Kalzaggie, please. Pretty real there.

I was having a great time. Seventy-Gam. Dave Stott says, Would you rather never be able to eat again or never be able to drink again? In both scenarios, the food or drink that you choose not to do again is replaced by a pill.

So you get all the calerific content you need. You can also feel the effects of alcohol. But from now on, All fluids are a pill or all foods are. Like if you want to pint, it's a pill each time, or you like have a pill for the night out. Yeah, you just, everyone's got, we're going to the pub and you're like, great, yeah,

get the rounds in and you have a Guinness pill. Okay. I think this is hard. I'm going with drink, though. I think I'm going with food. I'm going with food. Just because I can't take any pills without a drink. It's the most pathetic.

It's fucking. I mean, I'm not, I'm the wrong person. Like, yeah, but imagine on Christmas day and you're starving, you'll have your pill. Yeah, but then you're satisfied? Yeah. It's your Christmas pill. It's your Christmas dinner pill. Just love for it, man.

A bigger, a bigger meals, bigger pills. So like a roast dinner on Christmas, is that like, massive? No, it's a, like, you don't have to chew the pill like it's a massive meal. I just like, I'll have two? would you be too full after two though I don't know we've made it up What are you losing out on socially more

What are you losing out socially More on? Drinking defo But you're still sat with the lads You still got the experience of being You know, jolly and stuff Yeah but that's part of the Oh yeah

You're fucking You got and I's had no pussy since 9-11 Bad that So everyone's eating and you're just going I probably won't Probably won't go for the dinner I mean You never go for dinner anymore

then you're never going to go to the pub and have a drink anymore. Yeah, you can. You get the environment and the feeling. I think going for meals more of a, you know, more of a shared experience, is there? Yeah, as I suppose as you're getting older. What? A big bowl of pills.

That's just sound, sounds great, by the way. I think a refreshing drink is such a... When you're thirsty, you don't want to be taking a pill. Yeah, I think... I do more drinking than I do eating. Although on a... I guess you already... Say if you have all your alcohol pills and you're bladded

and you need to hydrate before the morning, it's just the pills, isn't it? You don't have to drink like three pints of water before bed. I think the food takes up more time, no, don't it? Do you drink three pints of water before? No, we've all right. That's a great. Nice one. Yeah, because you've got to rehydrate yourself, haven't you?

Three pints? I'll normally like neck of lucrezade before bed. You have a litre and a half of water before bed. Yeah? And you have a Lucasade? Lads, I'm just telling you, your 40s are going to get wild unless you make some changes here.

If you have an energy drink. Sugar-free Lucasade. Oh, right. Oh, that's fine. That's not... Get your electrolytes in, doesn't it? Has it like a non-fizzy one? Yeah.

Oh, right. Neck it before bed. If I'm out. That's just hydration, yeah. Yeah. If you've been on a night out. Yeah, yeah. End of a night out.

No, totally. It's different rules. If you're going to bed a bit pissed. On Saturday, I had two paracetamol. and drank a load of water. That really helped in the morning. But not on a normal bedtime.

Good, good. You have a pint? If you do that when you're getting older, you are going to spend the night waking up. Like, it's going to be brutal. I'd rather that than me on go over in the morning, though. I haven't got there yet. I haven't got to the waking up for the patient.

Have you? Yeah. I mean, I always do. You do now. You're fucked. Who did I say this to? My blood has not been the same since COVID. You got,

Oh, yeah, yeah. My blood has been fucked since COVID. My blood has not been a sin. And it's not because of the illness. It was because... Because of the vaccine. I'm listening, brother. It was because when I, like, if I needed a piss,

oh my God, I could just go for the piss. I never had to hold it. So for two years, I was just pissing when I needed to. And now I'm like... You should always be doing that? No, because you're not building up the muscles in your, like, piss area. Are you a post-partum mother?

What you're what about? You don't have to rebuild up the strength. of your bladder? If I've broken the seal. When's the last time we've gone for lunch and I've not immediately needed a wee? I need a wee all the time. I'm just constantly like leaking, man.

So like... You might have prostate cancer? No, I've got COVID bladder. No, I think one of them is you've invented it and the other one is prostate... No, I've not got that killer of a lot of men. I've got this made-up thing that I'm pretty sure about. Long COVID-COch?

Yeah, I mean, we also discovered the other day that I've got an erection of me nose. Oh, yeah, you're off for that. Harry, every time I get a bone, sneezes. Yeah, I've got a rectile tissue in me nose.

It's a medical thing. He's got a cock in his nose. It's a medical thing. Erection tissue in his nose. How's it? Get up there? I don't know, but when I get hard,

I sneeze. Twice. Sneezing on a pussy. It's mad, I think I was built wrong. Yeah. Yeah, you were all the off cuts.

You'd be returned. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't return you, Holly. Thank you. You're not worth any. One more question.

Steve O'Brien says, if you could actually do, an intrusive thought and not face the consequences of the actions with what you do. You could volley a toddler. You wouldn't hurt them or go to jail. You can only do it once,

so make it good. You get one intrusive thought, play out. Jump from front of a train. I'd jump off a building. Oh my God, that is so good. I didn't think of that one.

Yeah. When you're on the platform and you think, just fucking jump and see you just fucking go for it. I'd love to know how that feels bad, it. I can you can imagine. Dead?

Yeah, dead feels bad. Spinning a heel kick and old woman in the face. That's another great one. You have to learn I'll just spinning a heel kick though. Yeah, but she's not going to know. She's the one going to see her coming. Question mark, a kid in my road, that one he ate. Just fucking blow his head off.

Can I kill someone? Is that an intrusive thought? Do they get reset? Is this the thing? Is this the premise? Throw me keys out of the window. I throw a cappuccino in someone's face, an old woman. You got a lot of vengeance for old woman.

women, are you? No, I just think they're the least. Are these all other people? Mine's never, my interest thoughts are never other people. It's always like, what can, like, I'll jump off this building. I don't get intrusive thoughts about, like, harm and other people, but I do often think about the fact that, maybe this is narcissism, that other people could whenever they wanted to just harm me.

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah. Like, occasionally I'll just say, yeah. Yeah, like, the, the, of the, the, of the rules. The only reason I'm alive is that everyone I passed yesterday decided not to kill me. Yeah. It would be mad if they were all making that conscious decision as well. Yeah. This is where you need Joe Carl Zaggy to be your protection.

Mate, why are you trying to get me revved up about boxing? It's not dead. Yeah, no, I think if we go on low level. You know, when you see a motorway bridge come in, you're doing 80, and then you see the rails go slightly up and you think, if I just drove onto that, it'd be like a fucking, and then I'd hit the bridge,

the thing keeping the bridge up, I'd be dead instantly, just one of them. I think I've got the right answer and it's like a police chase. I'd love to be, like, have the police chase me and try and evade it. I don't know whether that,

I mean, I love the answer. Yeah. I don't know whether it counts as an intrusive thought. I don't think many people on a daily basis are going, you know, I fuck,

yeah. Yeah. I think that's a chain of intrusive thoughts as well, because it, to evade them, because you go past, if you go and pass the police officer and you just get your balls out in the window

and then they'll chase you. Is that illegal? I think jumping off a building's a good one. I tell you why. Or out of the plane. If there's no consequence, I definitely live. It's just whatever. Planes good.

Plains terrible. Why? Because at 37,000 feet, you're unconscious straight away, aren't you? Oh yeah, the breathing. It's a really. It's not, unless you're invincible. I mean, like the one that you did,

you can just do a skydive. Yeah, but I, I'm scared of skydiving. If you know it's safe. Yeah, you've got the guarantee. Also, the fun bit of skydiving is the first 20 seconds where you are free falling. The less fun bit is the bit where he pulls the cord. There's a massive pull on your fucking, like, cropped in your thing.

It's still a lot. And then you are floating down for ages going, slipped out of this, this would be shit. So you get the full few minutes of like, and just land. How long does it take you to get to the bottom? It's about 10 minutes, isn't it?

Yeah. It's, is he? Yeah, because you start. 20 seconds of, and then the floor pulls, it pulls under your arm and in your crotch, you go, you're like a fucking fat dog

in one of them papooses. Ten minutes. And then it's like, flow it down. How long did you think it was? Like a minute and a half. it is if you've got no parachute on. Yeah.

I thought like when I was a parachute, you saw it, it'd be like 25 seconds. No. I think the day before I come home off an holiday, put me passport down a grid. So like you're somewhere, like you're somewhere far away, you're in America and you get your passport

and go bloop. Just to see. Didn't you nearly do that in Japan? I was on the first day. I think I'd drink de Mestos. Why? Why have you got that intrusive thought? Because then...

Do you think that when you bleat? Do you bleach things? You do some bleach things. Yes. Got a beautiful ass. But do you, when you're bleaching things, you go, I wish I could drink this. Yeah, because people don't get to drink it

and then tell other people how it tastes because they're normally dead or the mouth. You could taste a little bit. I reckon I can help it out. It tastes like bleach. You could taste like bleach smells. You could have a shot of bleach. You could taste it and not die.

No, because it would burn all your mouth up, wouldn't it? Whereas if I drank like a pint of bleach. Before bed. Before bed. And I'd be able to tell, people how it tastes and then go whoa that's the guy who knows how be leech tastes oh you'd be a billionaire yeah how'd he seen himself on billboards joe and you're filling your petrol up joe and you've got a hose paper and you put your finger over there yeah i want to do that with a petrol pump all the time oh just

light it like everywhere all over the whole the thing and like i'd love to light a fuel tank of a car just to see and then not run away be like go on yeah oh nuclear suicide terror attack took me through it takes a lot of that one. I don't know that's intrusive. That's got this big nuclear bomb. Yeah. What's that for you, like?

Pretty fast way to go, I imagine. Or like Jonah's busy, he's just going, just fucking bingo one of them. Just see what happens. Just see what happens. Just put up a fucking bingo, please, you see police, on the high street,

and then you run full pelt rugby tackling, just to see. Let's take the vans out of it. It's doing things that, like, would ruin your life. throwing your car key like in a bin I think it's the train thing you know but a train and move and train

and the next train does not stop at this station please stand back shut the fuck or bush and then a minute later you just back in your spot and you felt everything have you felt everything yeah yeah

not anymore you're completely recovered and now you're not to jump in front of trains but what if you get the the road of the road rush. Yeah. It's the second one

in it when you're like yeah, you're chasing the dragon. What if you see God? What if you see God in that minute? And he's sick. He's got like one's hands on there.

Then you go back. I'm old, are you? Is that because you've jumped in front of a train at the full central? Yeah, yeah,

yeah, you've got to Skow 7. Um, good fun. Send your questions in to have a word pod at gmail.com. If you're a Patreon, you get them like VIP into the DMs. Harry will go through them.

Sign up at patreon. com slash have a word. part. Let's have a break. Welcome back, Beth. Thank you. Thank you for having me back. You very welcome. I heard you going a bit of trouble last time after you were on because you're telling all the stories back home and everyone found out.

Yeah, you sort of put me on the spot and we're like, you know, tell a story that you haven't told it. It's a podcast, like, putting me on the spot. Yeah, I expected. It needed to get out there, you know. But a few people clicked on who it was and then it's done it around, you know, so then people worked out who... Just like briefly recap the story for us. What was the story? What was the Sorry, that got you in trouble.

So there's a guy who was working with, and he sent me home from the job. We were working on this whole woman's house. And then I caught him in the greenhouse with her. Yeah. Yeah, and then she died. She didn't die from getting finger, like, it was, uh, yeah.

Well, we'll never know, actually. Well, if that's part of a post-mortem, can you be fingered to death? I don't think it was... What's the death that look like? Cause of death fingering? Right. Can you be...

Right. I think the cause of... to death and be like ruptured. Spleen. Oh. Yeah. Spleen? Caused by pussy. I don't think it's like fingered to death. Full stop. I mean? Hang on. Is this any dead body? Is this any cadaver? And then you're just checking. What I'm wondering is if you vigorously fingered an old woman to death. Oh, gosh, yeah, man. Would they check for that? What do you mean? What are they checking? So they find an old woman, she's fucking dead. Dead. Right? The officer in the same.

And they take her to the place and they check her body. Because obviously the first thing is going to be right. Like, Chechard Art, as she had a heart attack, as she got AIDS, as she got cancer, as she got... The classic ones for old ladies. Yeah. As she got like a vicious strain of syphilis. You know? She's old.

Has she been fingered to death? Like, where in the... You've got to tick those boxes, haven't you? That's what I'm under. Wonder if I won't get an autopsy? There's not police at every single dead body either. Yeah, but once a policeman has written Fingered to Death on a...

Yeah, but they wouldn't know, would he? What, the policeman wouldn't check? What are you saying? Everyone's being fingered to death and we just don't know about it. No, what I'm saying, it is. When they filed an old person, they'll go, get the police,

book an autopsy, they're like, they're old, they're dead. No, everyone gets an autopsy, don't they? No. What do you mean? What do you mean? Not everyone gets checked, don't he? No.

If it's suspicious to check it, don't do? Yeah. So, hang on. Right. So... If the police are going and go, Hang on, something's happened here. We'll check how they died.

But if you, like, fall down the... Suspicious one, but... No, everyone gets an autopsy. So, right. So, hang on. Hang on. So, let's say... Let's say, let's say, I've got an old grandmother,

Carl. Let's say I've got an old grandmother, right? She's just doing me fucking head in. I'm sick of her, right? And I just, like, poison her a bit. Arsenic, on a glove, in a gob. Yeah, have a little bit of that. You're sheep it old bitch

She should have suspected when you started Finger at her mouth Right How she dies How she found dead I call the police And I go ah I mean nun's dead And then they come and get her

And she phoned at the mouth Is she like fucked No she just passed away Oh then they probably just go Look at her medical records She's just fucked Yeah So I could be

Is this how shitman got away with her so long They literally how shipment got away with it so long This is why only he did oldies Surely he was like the 9-11 It's shoes off at the airport Now because of him in it Yeah. Surely the check and everything now.

If the corner, which is I say, thinks are suspicious, they will ask. If not, they go, they were old, they were fucked.

If you died, rather than they go, yeah, let's check, because, you know, you know, not of dying age. So,

ideally you want to, like, the dream is to get to a point in your life where if you die, no one's asked. It's not suspicious. Yeah.

Is that what happened? He's not getting in trouble again, it was during COVID? That's all I've said. Maybe the rest of, fuck all to do with the fucking thing now. She got COVID- did you get a little phone call? You're fucking speaking

about me? One guy clicked on to who it was and then passed the word about it and then it up and did the WhatsApp group and then it made its way back till the guy who'd done it and then he was like, oh is that about me? And I went No. I don't know many other old boys that done this, you know? Is that about me?

He's fucking knew. There's so much about the circle you moved and that he could have been like, that could be anyone that. it's been about a year has it been longer since you've been on? It's better about you. What you've been up to?

How's life? Yeah, really good. Fuck it. Just giggling away and trying to fucking deal with life in general. Just every fucking day with kids. Like your kids?

Yeah. It's something I've never fucking done before you know, when I worked on built and seats and stuff like that. Whereas now you have a bit of free time during the day. Everybody expects you to look after your children.

Basisness. It's a healthy, man. No, I enjoy it. Like, but I was, I brought my kids to school and one of the guys. Look at all your grandkids and I'm like, cheeky bastard, you know, because I have older kids and younger kids. How old are your oldest?

19. How old's your youngest? Six. That is a gap on it, like, in it? So we sort of like had kids and then we fell out, and then we got back together and I had more kids, you know that way? So, yeah, it's fucking at that stage now. Did you break up in the middle?

Ah, yeah, a couple of times. When you're doing comedy and stuff, like that's not really a great fucking... And you got back and went and let's have kids again? Yeah, sort of. Like, it was Christmas. and fuck all else to do, wasn't her now? Famously, there's lots to do because mostly after the near sack is involved in it,

you know what I mean? That's class. So you, like, does your miss his work? Yeah, part time, so she works like three days a week just now. What's she doing? She's working in retail. Okay. So, yeah, she's just in, yeah.

And she now, Patrick? It's only fans, folks, yeah. It's retail, yeah, just three days in retail, just to get out of the house sort of thing. Just to get out the house. Yeah. She's just like, I'll work in retail,

just like get out and be sociable instead of being stopped in the house. Yeah, Laura's starting to say, do you think I'll ever get a job again? And I would love her not to. I'd love for this to keep going

where I get to go. I'm off to podcast. I'm off to gig. And we don't have to ask a boss if you can have time off because I need to go and do something. She's like, I don't know,

I'm, you know, I'm pretty happy now, but the kids are young enough that they need her, they need us a lot. That will slow. slowly...

They're going to be so much more independent. She could do like Avon. That's pretty like working from... Monica's Cafe. Yeah. Is there still Avon, ladies? Yeah. My God. I tell you what, if there isn't, that's even better because she can be the only one. Yeah, going

round door to door. She can door to door the whole of the UK. Is Avon just like soap? Oh, it's a little catalogue. Moisturises. A bit of soap. Shampoos. What is Avon? It's a team me only in a catalogue, isn't it? Yeah, it's basically the boots, catalogue. Oh, so it's loads of products.

Yeah, loads of different ones. My Nana got some yellow Avon moisturiser that I remember. Yeah, she did. Giz or something. It was implied. What's that on your chin? Yellow Avon moisturiser.

Is that cum, Nana? No. Not since 1911. No. How she knew the joke. Finger and green. It should sell that, just in case you get caught out.

Exactly, yeah, yeah. Grinley should all have that, you know? That's one of your autopsy. Needed more moisture. No one's ever knocked at mine. I'm trying to say me Avon's hope. I think it's less common. My mum was an Avon lady for a couple of weeks, I think.

Flex. For a couple of weeks, what happened? She don't think she made the millions she thought she would. This is a fucking joke. And then she starts to give it away pickled onions. Is that an Avald Cajolns? Do Avon do pickled onions? Is Avon a pyramid scheme?

Yeah, pretty much. No. It's just a sales job. It was just before the internet. It was just, it was like an old lady from the area. would be semi-retired and we'll go, I'll be an Avon lady, and then she'd have a little patch

of where she'd sell, like, moisturises to her friends. Yeah, but the reason it's a pyramid scheme is, like, let's, let's, let's take Sorgle, as a good example, right? So let's say Laura starts Avon-Ladian, right? And she does the whole of Sorgle. And then one of the people she's selling to,

because they have a little Avon parties, don't they? Yeah. Which have always been convinced of just gangbangs, to be honest with. My Nana was a lesbian. Isn't it Ansema's parties? I thought it was measles parties. What? I thought it was measles parties.

No, no, no. Different thing. Completely different thing. Tupperware parties were a big thing. You lived in a scary time, you know. So, I'm not the one that said measles parties. That was the thing, wasn't it? What measles?

Yeah. Where they went to get measles? Yeah. You didn't have to pay for it. You got it for free or take it? No, me you sent your kids to, oh, John's got measles. He's having a gaff and then everyone goes. I've heard of chicken packs parties now.

In fairness of how her. And the gays have AIDS parties sometimes. Yeah, that's like a Russian roulette in. Yeah, they do. They send like one gay in to a gangbang with AIDS, but everyone knows they've got AIDS. And then they all have a big fuck. And it's like the hot, like, is like,

oh, I wonder if I'll get AIDS. Yeah, and if you're not concentrating on your calendar, then you've got a gay, horny guy at an Avon party. And that's where confusion. I'm just here for the tub of work. I should not have got my dick out in the hallway. Ladies. See over here.

Was it a thing where your dad sales Aval? No? Yeah, your dad sells them on the Turkish player. Yeah, fucking, because that's... It's a creative way of being homophobic, yeah? It's basically like your dad's gay. Your dad's going to the M-M-E-Hid's part of it. Yeah.

So what's the pyramid scheme? So, Lord, I would invite all the local women to your house. Wow, right. Looking forward to that one. Right? And she'd be like, here, I, Moira. That's what they're called.

Have a bit of shit in them, right? Yeah. Yeah, Linda This is freebies Two paste My name, Linda Amazing, You keep getting these names, right

Yeah Oh, a bit of fucking Fat free yoga for you, Deborah Now they're doing food No, it's like face sugar Oh, face sugar Right So

So Come Then It's just a bit of Face shogger It's having great fun Then at the end of the night Lorna would be stood there

Going 20,000 $2,000,000 24,000 65,000 Right So Because she can't count. The taxman's going to have a fucking number. 2049 grand.

2040, that's 2.6 million. 2040, 60 grand. 2040, 602 grand. And then one of the women had come over. Mayerah. Beatrice.

Oh, Beatrice. New woman. Beatrice come over and like, fucking hell. Don't know how right out of tonight. Yeah, especially when you're making up numbers. 20, 40, 60, 9. Yeah.

How much is that Lord was like, fucking, I don't about a fucking 14 grand or something, right? A Beatrice would be like, fucking I'd love a bit of this action, right? And Laura would be like, right, you work for me. I'll give you a catalogue,

have a party in yours, she lives. Who for? The district over. Ah, the other district. She lives on the border. What's the big council of the state? The Cheshire districts.

What's the big council of the state? Blaken district. Blake and District 9. Right? So let's say Beatrice lives on the border. Famously, Blacon named Beatrice. Right? It's like county lines.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She has a Blake and Avon party, right? Everyone comes to hers. And Laura gets a kickback. She gets a kickback. Yeah. Why isn't Beatrice just going to the top to Avon and doing it, don't think? Because Laura will fucking break her fingers.

Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. So then Laura has someone doing Blakene, someone doing capon ears, someone doing the bache, right? he lived in Chester right and then all of them people

have their own parties and then Beatrice and Lucy and Keandre I think she's from Blakin I think she's from Blakin then all of the end their parties go 20, 40, 60 10, 20, 40, 60

And then someone at their by goes Excuse me, Keandra I lack a bit of this money And it spreads out And there was a billionaire Does Laura become the boss then? Yeah Want a bit of Aval do here?

You want a fucking catalogue, do you? Shut up. But then all of those people are getting kickbacks and then they're all kicking back to Lora. That's the pyramid scheme. Brilliant. She needs to get off her ass. It says on the website there's unlimited earnings.

Well, there is with anything. That's not true. No. What can you... Or not unlimited? Or if you sell toys for a 10 at each and you've only got five.

That's limited earnings. Then you invest. the money you've made self the toilet bank out of circulation. How did we end up talking about Avon? I'm genuinely

genuinely confused. Because Paddy McDonald's Paddy the dagger I see him and I'm like Godette let's talk Avon with us also I can't wait

for someone in the comments who's like oh that's not the actual business model I'm that you're gonna do it aren't you've got

a lot of Avon ladies you listen? Yeah we have Kandra was up legal letter from Aval Oh yeah, maybe we're fucking Rumble the business

It's a good little side job, do I'm not? Just have two people turned up from the RA Don't be maddening them more Oh, we're not missing with those districts Like the IRAs fucking Processed in April Like fucking bastards Exposed us

You had any Like since you've like sort of Start and stand up Because I know you were on the sites For a while You had any other side jobs You haven't any other Parts of your life

you've been doing this and that. DJing. It was a black taxi man. You're a black taxi man? Yeah. You just call that over here. Vittaligo. London Cobb driver,

like put it in Belfast, yeah, and Dorman as well. So, yeah. What was the club? Oh, all different bars worked in there, maybe 36 different bars in Belfast.

Got my finger a bit off, don't it? Oh, yeah, we heard about that. I don't think you told us last time about taxi driving, though. I've got a good business model for you. Take people to the club. Get out, get on the door,

refuse them entry, take them to the next club and you make more money in the taxi. In the taxi? It's a good idea. Thank you. Are they not going to get on to the fact that the same guy? No, do guys. He gets up the taxi with them and just put Yeah, yeah. I do you know, I do you know?

I'm not tonight, love. And then they get back in and you go, where too? You know, you're not coming in. Do you want to left? If you watch Pepper Pig, Mrs. Rabbit and that does all the jobs. Yeah. She's an absolute fucking grafting. She's a gone, fucking... Eddie Murphy of the Belfast night scene. It just plays everyone.

She's saying, give her the goal, man. I come with her. I come with ideas. Clean Winddast. Talk off, didn't it? No. It will. Tell us some taxi stuff. Where'd you get your taxi ideas? Just the in the middle here.

You must have had problems and shit in your taxi. Oh, listen. You invite trouble, Paddy, I can tell. But being a black taxi driver is like, well, taxi driver in general is just like, you need to fucking have a degree in other things like when you're fucking listening to people when they get in.

The general public are fucking nuts, but they feel safe when they get in the taxi because I think you know you're going home and then they open up, do you know what I mean? Like you'd notice the difference between men and women in the taxi. You had it like a bunch of men that'd get in, they'd beat the fuck out of each other in the taxi. They're calling each other names

to their faces, they'll fucking, pointing in their, telling each other their kids are ugly and then when they get out, I fucking love that, I love them like a brawere, you know? They beat the shit out of each other in the taxi. In the taxi, literally, and they're just not nice to each other. That's just guys, just on and they do. But to each other's face?

Yeah, yeah. And then whereas girls would get in and they'd be like, oh, you're beautiful and your nails and you're her and then she gets out and they're like, I fucking hate that. They're real bitchy. Like that's,

and it was a general thing. Yeah, to their face. And then they were just really bitchy when they get out the pack, you know? So probably the best one was two young girls came out to eight club in Belfast and we had a rapid taste. I don't know if it's the same in Liverpool

for being the deer taxi, like the more expensive taxi. Yeah. Black Ones. Yeah. Yeah. It's true, isn't it? Is it a bit more expensive?

I think it's because it was on the meter where it was like in a car. You pay for what you need. Do you call it parrot taxis here? Called what? Parrot taxis, no? No. Parrot taxis was like somebody who wasn't licensed

and drove about in the car and picked people up. Oh yeah, no, that was a thing. When we were kids, before like the app takeover, like on a night out, long before we sort of started going to start, how old are you?

45. Yeah, so like he's like a half a general generation above us, any? It's kind. Not you. All right, I'm a full two or three. It's different. Do you mean like cherry picking?

Fellas going on, I go get in, girl. Yeah, cherry picking. So, like, a fella just, like, back in the day, a fellow with a car who's just a bit skinned on a Saturday night would just go and sit outside a bar or a club and people would come out, be like, here you're taxi, he'd be like, I'll give you the lift.

Like, but it's more. Do you know what I mean? So they'd be like, oh, like, if it's chocker, it's like, I just want to get home and he'd be like, what? No to Old Swan Eyre, 80 quid, 20, 40, 60, 2 grand. Do you want to buy any able?

I was the business idea of taxi. Do you see? I don't know what I mean? I've never done that. I think that could be like a real boost for the economy that if people start to combine in industries. Oh my God, a mobile boss man shop. You know, you're in the front of the taxi.

You know, there's always the passenger seat behind the glass. If you could just open that up like a tuck shop, shop? He'd be like, yeah. Oh, that would work a fucking treat. We used to keep cigarettes and beer and the boot. To sell to them? Yeah. That's so smart. Because everyone used to... Take us the offy, lad. You'd like, don't need to, brother. They were like, take us till something you went, what are you getting?

Get the Battle of Fag. I'm getting a case of beer. I have one in the boot. It's cheaper. And then you sell to him. You just go to Tesco's before your night starts. You know what I mean? That's incredible. We had a booze man at Union, Newcastle where you could just put an order in like it was a takeaway and a ton of booze would turn up. and they would go, like, literally like the drug dealer model, but less illegal. So you could be, like, at a party, three in the morning, there'd be a booze man number you could ring. And they'd just throw somebody else off.

Yeah. Just turn up. You'd be paying a little bit more than you would if you'd got yourself down to the shop, but you could buy a crate of lager. That's just a thing, that, isn't it? Uber Eelbaed. This is well before that. That's what I mean, but that's become just a legit thing.

Telika doesn't go to the cop no more on the lane. It's quite a drive away, but she's, like it's 50p delivery and she's like if I don't have to put shoes on that costs me 50p I'll do it so she orders you and Seneca are going to kill each other early you know you just you just don't leave the house do you unless you absolutely have to surely there's like small fees as well I'll go the shop I like going to shop yeah it's class because you get away from here for a bit

50p how's that work that's middle this walk what you want it to be 50 quid no I just don't know it just seems ridiculous. You know the prices are more on the app as well, though. Yeah, yeah. That's where they get the money.

Oh, right. So it's not just 50p more? If she wants Coco Pop, she's like, I'll just order it and it'll come to the door. Oh, mate. That's a character car plays in the bedroom. Coco Popes?

I pay 50B for Cocoa Box. Do the voice car. What would Cocoa Bops do you voice? Hawkeham. Okay. You're backed out of that, haven't you? Yeah, I love going to shop.

I'll go, but she's like, I can't. If she's home and she's not dressed, she's not getting dressed again. whereas I'm happy to get redressed. I might treat myself to a cocoa pot's delivery. I think it's fucking lavish. Yes, she does it. Oh, for a walk, man.

Yeah, that's... Yeah, man. How far's the walk from yours to your local coop? You've got to get past all the Avon ladies, but... Oh, no, it's fucking... No, that's a very important part of the business model. You can never have more Avon ladies than Avon customers. Yeah, it starts imploded, isn't it?

That's when the pyramid collapses. Yeah. It's a five-minute walk. it's yeah yeah i'll do that i'll or if big tesco i'll drive but she's like i ain't leaving niels if i'm not in she'll just order it to the i imagine if you're spending all day with your 27 kids ages from four to 93 any excuse to get out the house yeah taking them to the yeah getting them to get away from them is a big dealer do you know what i mean that's like trying to find things to get away from him it's because taking them even shopping's a fucking nightmare

taking them shopping's a like me yeah fucking nap because we always want to parents are just just like, can I have this? Can I have that? Can I have this? Like, we were in town for the St. Patrick's Day period in Belfast. And we were walking through. My wife's like, oh, we're going to go in here and look at something in TK. Max. And I was like, fucking big mistake. Like, we were doing so well with the kids out in the street distracted with all the flags and everybody enjoying themselves.

We went to the TK Max. It was just like, I'm going to get this. Can we get this? It's just, and you're like, no, I've got my own money. I don't get it. Do you know what I mean? It's just like the house is coming down. House is coming down with stuff. Every Christmas, you're throwing stuff out.

and then replenishing it with fucking more shite in top of it again. Kids have everything now. It's not like when we were younger you had fucking nothing. I do, yeah, yeah. So you know what the crack guys? I was playing with Avon Boxes?

You did wait, like, even for your trainers, you'd wait until Easter or Christmas to get new trainers and clothes and that was it. Whereas now it's just like, get it just remember. So that was the thing for you? Easter clothes. Christmas clothes, Boxing Day clothes. Zedica didn't have like,

you know, she didn't have Christmas clothes. If you were lucky, you got like Boxing Day tracksuit, but that was the max. So boxing day, I used to get a footy kid. Yeah. So I'd get that year's Liverpool, home or awake kit as me boxing day clothes.

And it was freezing. And you wouldn't get them as a present on Christmas Day. It was a special day after... That's what you wear for Christmas Day. You get your Christmas clothes. No, hang on. You got on Boxing Day,

you got a football kit. It's not part of your presents. It would be given to me on Christmas. But it wouldn't be... I don't know whether it would be wrapped. I'd go and pick it out. All right. And it's it, Boxing Day.

sales, you'd go to the sales and get the No, no, no, no. I'd get it like a week or two before. Did you have Easter clothes then? No. Wow. Easter clothes are a big thing. And it was usually... I think it's a Liverpool thing now. It's a real working class place thing. Like, it's definitely like... I get to full England, kid. Your mum took you and went, like, you're... Weirdly.

I remember getting the purr of Timberland boots. And I must have been 15, was playing football. And my mum was like, Timberlin boots and I was again, there were like 80 pound or something. And she was like, fuck, you may have these for two years. years like you know fucking 80 pound and I was like right and there's no way you're getting a pair of trainers as well and I got them and I went till

a trial on boxing day with the team like it was one of the ice league teams and one of the guys because I used to play against them in the league they didn't like me did you wear the timbreland boots yeah I wore them till the training and they were in the changing room and then I was out playing and they had put dog shit in and they're

out of the shit in it themselves and I came in and I'm like what the fuck what am I going to do like they're shatting your timbulin and I put them in bin and my ma'am came up because I came out wearing my football boots and she was like, where's your boots?

And I said, somebody's shit and go in and fucking get the man washing them. They're really fucking burn. You've only wore them one yesterday. I had to go back and get it. And I'm bringing it back out and I'm like, I'm never going back to that football thing because I don't know I've lifted them shit he boots.

No way home to smell him too in the car. Like it was fucking ridiculous. Someone pooed in your boots? Yeah. Wow. I was a real bastard playing football butt. You know what I mean? I got it.

I got it. Like they were just like, fuck you. Oh, right. It was like, I got it. Even as a kid, you're like, I get it,

I'm a cunt. I'd love to, I'd love to have been there for the meeting before they plan that revenge. Like, listen, he's a fucker on the pitch.

Does anyone need a shit? And then someone's like, I could go. And then they all, they all just watch him squeeze one out into Patrick's shoe. Just watch twice.

You know what? It wasn't even like a proper, like a fucking big turd. It was, Christmas dinner fucking mess this was back into like it wasn't and it was only like it was on the outside

never hang up they didn't do a good they didn't hold it up or anything I don't know they maybe sat it down and down wait they didn't in the shoot they shot on the outside of the show it was in and out it was all over it was like not a good shot

it wasn't one big third that you could have left for the ride what were you doing on the pitch what's what kind of enemies did you develop just fucking usual when you're playing football it was like you went to war

every Saturday do you know what I mean and these were, this was the proper team. These boys were like, League of Ireland, like a club, but we would fucking torture them. And so they didn't like me. Just kick him for hard of them.

Yeah. What position did you play? Midfield. Roqueen. Yeah. I wouldn't be as good as I'm like, but I went to war every time you played. Went to war every time you played.

I made up for how good it wasn't by fucking grabbing them by the ballics and pulling their hairs and fucking to just torture them. I used to try and get people sent off. by pulling their hair Pulling her Send him off Yeah

You just winded them up and off That you got a kick Or you got a punch Do you know what I mean? Like an arson player Yeah I can't I'm sort of

Like Jack's not Like I'm not up to you But it Yeah but if it's up to me I don't want to stand Next to a football Give me the child

Until he is seven And I will show you the man Right well then he's going to be Into the theatre That no no no Is he? You misunderstand them. Yeah, I'm not taking him anywhere near a football pitch to least seven.

Oh, I thought he meant like that's what he's into. No, he likes having a kick about, but I don't want to be a football dad. It looks grim. Well, you don't have to be a football dad to kick a football. As soon as he gets into football and he joins a club, it's going to be Saturday mornings or Sunday mornings in the fucking cold, getting rained on, watching them play bad football. And as soon as he goes, hey, I want to go and do that.

As soon as that happens. Will you show him? Well, I'm not going to show him. That's bad. He's going to have to work it out on his own. That's such shit. You need to bring him here. You need to bring him here.

You need to bring him there. You take him on a Sunday morning, on a Saturday morning. So much. Sogull Colts. In the fucking flood players, Colts. Me and Carl will take him. We'll be Roy Evans and Gerard Uligay. Which one do I want to be there? You could just imagine if your kid did become a fucking famous footballer.

And the story, like, you're, My dad. He hasn't got the name. He's got the name from the 1950s. No, he's got a son to Lillan with Field his name. Jack Nightingale. Coming on to make his debut here is a young boy, Jack Nightingale. Young boy.

Oh, don't do that. Hot boy. Those are the best days of a child's life. Getting a new boots. I have bought him a football boots. I have bought him a footie. We have got a fucking garden with a goal. I bought him all that.

You've done everything I can. But you were in no shape. I am not signing him up for organised boring, cold, wet, fucking footy matches until he goes, hey, I want to play footy with, like, other kids on a weekend. And then I'll be like, cool, we will. I'm not going, hey, do you want to?

Because it looks fucking miserable for me. Why is it not miserable? So it's not for you? It isn't for you. You're the dad you meant to sacrifice. No, it's not for me. And as soon as he wants to do it, he can do it. And that won't be for me either.

I'm not fucking telling him it exists. Did you take your, have you got lads? Yeah. Did you take them the footy? Yeah. Of course you did? Yeah. Like that did he fucking cancelled.

I'm sold to Sundays forever because he was like, yeah, you're going. I fucking love Sundays. They're great. My perfect Sunday does not involve soul cults. I shouldn't have kids, right?

Can you sacrifice? That's why I'm not having them because I don't want to. Get his mom to take them in. Yeah? Soccer mum. Load up the Hyundai. I don't think she wants to either.

Do you don't want to have the post-match talk where you like analyze the game? Well done, someone. A goal like, oh, mate, I never have that. I don't have kids and I want that's fucking... I just, he's not there yet. He's not even flushes his own shit.

The only thing I'll say you... That's Harry? He can't play footy. You don't... You don't want him getting left behind, but then bringing him in really green when he's older and the fucking kids are well... Do you know what I mean?

You wouldn't survive in this city if you got to high school or whatever you call it without being... Without being proficient to football. You just wouldn't. And the later you start, the worse you are. And also, I remember playing footy with him at Will's wedding.

He's good. He is good, so he could a judge. Give me the child until... is seven and I will show you the man. You have to make him a football before he's seven or he'll never be one. Goal, boots, balls. He's got them all.

But he needs your energy and your passion. Energy doesn't include Sunday morning. He needs to be playing tournament football. I was like summer league. Yeah? Summer league, mate. Plus you need that coach that's for shit. You know, it's like summer tournaments.

You need that coach. I do it now. Summer league, samba goals, all the kids are there. Ice cream, burgers. All right. In the summer. Watch it. I mean the coach is full of shit.

My son had a coach and he was a boxing coach and done boxing his whole life. And then his son played soccer and then he got the coach job. And then he started going, it's really important that everyone comes to training on Tuesday night because I've bought these like drills from Barcelona. And we were like, they're six. I built the goals.

She's what I want to implement this thing. They just chase a fucking ball. Until you teach them not to. Yeah, but they're sex. I mean, he's trying to. a fucking show, Rick, you're in the assing, you're going to play. The kids aren't going to listen to that. They need to go out there and learn a bit too.

You know what the fucking... Jack will lay in, anything? I think me and Carl need to come over twice a week for some coaching. You are very welcome. Get some floodlights in the garden. I'll tell you this. As soon as he's got a provisional license, I'll take him down the game. That's what age is he now?

19. He's just about turn five. He needs to go. Oh, God. Does he not been to any, like... Has you got any, yeah? Any, like, midweek, like, indoor,

Lashis and a kind of, like, drill things. Oh, I mean, indoor footy and them, oh. He goes to drill practice. Just get him spit back. He's, he's been swimming and... Does you do any organized team sports? Swimming. That's not a team sport.

Water polo. It's synchronized swimming. It's synchronized swimming with a lads. Like, Dad, I'm going to footy, and he looks forward to it all week and you're with him, like you get him a little bounty at the end. You got another those get me a bounty. No one, do you like bounties?

Shite fucking sweets, mate. Nah. The only person. on a planet who likes them because you're so shrew him yeah you got on that probably is get him a snickers

so it's pissing down on Sunday I take him down he's like Daddy I'm cold I want to go home I'm like no Carl had some nice memories and now we're having them

have a bounty I don't like coconut shut up your little weirdo oh poor Jack man kids don't care about the rain man they're getting about rain they don't care about 2040s

right we're watching rain man boring I don't want any more bounties on up you It becomes, I'm not telling you as a parent, but it comes your day with your lad. Me and my dad go to Foothy on Thursday and that's your time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just want to be a man and like footy and like to do that. I'd be a man and eat bounties. The bounty was me. You have to do it. That's not a prerequisite. Yeah, get him a double decham, man. Oh, cool.

Yeah. Or a boost. Then you get to have your little time with your son. I get loads of time. You know, he's there. I'm on my phone. He's on the switch. Good, quality time.

Indoors. Me not. I'm not going to do it now. so it doesn't matter. Yeah, great. Do you let your kids have screens? Yeah. Yeah.

It just got to... And do you know, my way's like, they're all the too long and I'm like, they're fucking fan. They need this. They need this

because this is the future. This is their whole life's this fucking screen thing. Yeah. But she does. She didn't want it, but I got them this year just to fucking... Like, it's only so many times you can play the memory game

in a fucking restaurant before it fucking put your head away. Are the kids there? Yeah. just me and the son going to football he's not really hard no but it's like

yeah no the man make do you wait do you wait till it goes to shit and then you get the screen out because I don't judge any parent

who has to resort to whipping a screen out in a restaurant or something but it's when you literally walk in and they're on the screen you're like guys you're not even trying

come on that's the whole thing by the way they're now waking it up at 7 in the morning to go down and play them before everyone's woke up to get by the mean

so it's getting ridiculous where it's like they're addicted to it. One of them especially is really addicted to it. Yeah. She's eight and she's like, oh, so. And then when you take it off them, they're like, oh, they're like, they.

It's all, it's everything they want to watch. All that their finger's. It's so much going on. It's digital smack, in it? Yeah, it is. All the smack heads. And then you take it off them and they go, I haven't got anything to do.

Put his footy boots on them. Can you make them like useful? Can you get them to like subtitle your clips and stuff? Great. Yeah. Let's make some content. Useful, isn't it? Get some cones for the guys.

I haven't. Mike, my kidd wants a YouTube channel, which is the fucking freaky thing at the minute. And she's like, but there's other kids have it. And we're like,

we're not fucking having it. You know, I want to eat you. There's new laws there, isn't it? Parents who are basically pimping the kids off. I mean, it is.

Some of them ones you watch them from America that my kids watch and you're going, fucking parents are fucking driving about because of the kid. I've seen the Ruby Frankie documentary. So she is.

No, I'm seen that. She's a mum who had a nine kids maybe. She had loads. And she basically made her house into a YouTube house. made all the kids.

She paid the kids. They were paid actors, basically not. But they weren't her kids? No, they're her kids. But they were also employees of the YouTube business that she owned. And then she goes,

oh, you didn't work, you got a film? And then she ended up to prison for abusing them. Was that the one of the lads escaped or something? Yeah, yeah, fucking roughly. But like, they've brought new laws.

Even's Tashler now. Yeah, Elon Musk. Did she do it bad time? I really, like, is that what you're doing in the host? Is it just these, to go to football because you're... Yeah, here, we're making content.

Come on. Project Musk. Etta's not getting social media until she's 16. 16? I agree. Yeah. No, I just mean,

I actually think everyone's going to... No, the kids are going to have it. I think it's coming in the next few years. Australia has already done it. Other countries are doing it. I think social media for under 16s is going to be... It's only done all, isn't it?

You have to have... Be a certain age to have a social media account, like Facebook? 13, isn't it? No, it's not. It's not. She can't just lie to it, can't you? In Australia, isn't it Harvey's law in the UK?

Isn't Katie Price trying to bring in it? You have to have an ID to sign up to have a social media person. Yeah, that's not going to get past. There's too much opposition to it. I do think restricting the kids on social media and just having a phone in general, just get them a fucking couple of cups and a bit of string, man. Take him down the 40.

How old are you when you first got a phone? Maybe like 11. 17. I mean, I imagine me with the same age because it was the thing. What phone was it? Noc your one. Oh, yeah. It was a bit that's it.

It was fucking huge. I had a little Motorola flip that my dad got me. Oh, good a pizza. Player. I did sound like a pizza. I'll have a mozzarella with some of a dude. Oh, I use the phone at them. Call me some of my time.

It was a Motorola. I'm thinking of a Motorola. You're all right. I have an Alcatel flip. And I didn't need it because everyone who was spoke to. My mom was in the house. I basically got it for the shit game that was on it. But yeah, I'm assuming what you're already, same age as you, because...

I had one of the first knockies and you could take the front off and change the colour of the... Yeah, the buttons. Whoa, you've got blue buttons, bro. No, not the buttons. You could change the colour of the phone, couldn't you? And the buttons. You could change the rubbery buttons, you could change. And you could change the front of the buttons.

The rubbery buttons. You'd be using a... You'd be using a frank. I grew up in Morkham. She's not getting a phone for age. Has she been asking? Listen, if it was just me and Laura, it was just me

like I'd probably be lazier about this but Laura's setting out some... I thought it was just you put in your foot down. I agree with Laura but I don't think I've got I'm too lazy. I'd probably go you'd be alright at 13 or whatever. So when she goes to big school which is 11? That's a weird in our house. You don't get it until you're going to big school.

She'll get one then because... Is that 11? Yeah. No, you don't have to have a smartphone though. What's the justification for it? You need to be... You can't give her the old fucking thing. Because she's still with a house phone. Because you're not that's not how it works though, is it?

If you genuinely think social media for a 12 year old, a phone that can get all over the internet, you're like, oh yeah, but you're going to be a gimp and he can't do fucking keep you up. No, you don't say, but they come home going, Dad, I'm getting skitter than school because I've got a house phone.

These are all got, why can't he have one? Listen, I'll say to them, look, you show your friends, you can change the rubbery buttons on it. But like, pay attention at that age as much, and she'll, she'll be like, I don't understand why they can, have it and I can't. It's not just going to be here though, is it?

There's going to be more parents making this decision. You also can lead in that situation and be like, the reason you've got that one and they've got that one, their parents are shit and don't give a fuck about their kids. That's the new one, that love? The house phone. You can just be honest with them. Everyone thinks kids are fucking stupid.

They're not. You can be honest and you go, listen, social media is rotting the brains of the next generation. And I don't want that to happen to you. It happens to all your dickhead mates. You're taking the house phone. find some way to plug it in. But that's my own TikTok for a bit.

No. Now, TikTok's for stupid people. Listen, we are, this is what's happening. So what you, I meant, like Laura's meant to go, I agree with you by the way.

Everyone's on TikTok. You might as well be on TikTok. No. That's not. But I think a lot of people have that idea. And then it, in practice.

Would you not allow you use it for, like, creative purposes? Like, genuinely, like, she's, like, a performative kid. If she wanted to, like, make, like, dancing videos or singing videos, I don't know.

Because that's what she's really, that's what we're worried about. No, I'm saying, would you, I think that's even worse, that, like, validation that they're getting from the internet. I know,

seems a bit rich from a podcast, the comedian. It's, ah. Is it not, could you not argue it as a, like, a way of getting creativity out?

She's not getting a phone with the internet on it. With social media apps. Because I, I did YouTube when I was like 10. I was singing. I was singing. I sang, uh,

Otis Redding sitting on the dock of the bay and my brother commented sitting on a cock because I'm gay. That is a good one. There was one of a comment from some random person going, you're really good, DM me. Oh, so you've got your brother doing a homophobic slur and a

paedophile trying to... I don't know a theory of a paed file. Sorry, you're really great DM me. Sitting on a cock because I'm gay, by the way. I haven't forgot that's good. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you, Etta needs to get a YouTube. It's a great idea. But that was like a way of, like, being creative, isn't it?

And also getting groomed. So when if she comes home in year 8, when she's 12, and she's like, Dad, everyone's on TikTok. It's all I can't get involved. Are you going to go, no? Yeah, we're going to go, all, all. Here's a bit of cocaine, because everyone's going to be doing it eventually. It's a bit of EMBCAT.

And there's a motorbike, because eventually someone else will have one. See you later. You don't need a helmet, why are you? No, but like, when all it's all... Carl, I know it's going to be difficult. That isn't the reason to just go, no, it's fine then. No, but then you introduce it and you, you know, you control it. You can't control it.

I mean? How'd you control TikTok? You control the screen time? You can, like, do all like the parental guy. Yeah, you control the screen time to zero. I just think it's a really good idea. That doesn't, it's going to be difficult in practice. I'm not arguing with on this bit.

It's going to be really difficult. That's why I'm hoping the government step in and do what Australia have done. Because that would make it much easier if I can go, yeah, you're not allowed one because it's the law. Problem I have that is we live still like in the working class of state so if it's illegal by the government

everyone's still going to be doing it. You're going to get a dodgy stick for your phone. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like fucking everyone's doing it daddy. Do you know what I mean? It's like... Right.

I get what you're coming from because you're dad. Have you your dad? No. I'm not telling, I'm just saying... It's one of the ones before you're like a dad, you're sort of like,

I'm not going to be like my parents. going to let my kids do this. Backfires on you. No, and I agree with what he's saying. I'm saying, I don't want kids. It's the right thing, but I'm saying... Definitely should take kids to football. They're not getting anything.

My kids are not getting anything. They're not getting TikTok or Foothy. I've heard of the Green Party getting in the legalising all drugs. So kids can just have actual heroin then. They don't need the phones. Then TikTok's better, if anything. So the Green Party are legalising heroin for kids. Cool.

still the better option of all the other parties in my opinion in the moment. What about alcohol? Would you let your kids drink before they're 18? Um, yeah, I think so. Other controls thing, family party? Yeah. Because it takes away the taboo of them and's thinking,

oh, fucking, do you know what? Wine or mead. Yeah. Mead. You know, because it's why... How old would that have to be for you to let it have a bottle of red with a roast in her?

Or a sherry. A little shot of sherry. A full bottle of red. your daughter with a full by the head going I'm a light of fucking drink but I'm not like tick tick tick what made this to love

She's having four roast a day I think Edson's got a problem some massive fat alcoholic child probably should just give him a TikTok A bottle of wine with a roast A bottle of wine with a roast A bottle of wine with a roast And there's going to me with

Notchos and a ribina I think drinking at home's a sensible option in it? Just to take away... 12? Take away the thing that they think they're doing something.

Yeah. Spinnets or like... What's the first drink? Hard liquor. Hard liquor. Or ale. Right. Whiskey and rye.

Like, what's the first thing you give at her in the house? She wasn't want to wine, does she? It's probably an alcohol pop. She said wicked, yeah. Yeah. They're nice.

They're dangerous. Because they taste like pop. You want to give her something if you want to... So I'd start my drinking. Like a 13-year-old. Yeah, Guinness and a sambuca. Yeah.

She's like, I don't like the taste of it. stop being soft. Get at one of those real aisles called like the Bishop's ball bang or whatever. She's going to school and some bishops ball bag on She's trying to have a house party

and everyone's like we don't want to her to because you're into IPAs. The Chancellor's Lada. This car. Give her some Lefroegger something. That's all you're having.

Lafroegger's lovely. She won't like it though. What if she does though? The last thing you want is in 12 if you all do loves Lefroig. What is she always? also like gets it and she goes this is lefroig so if you get you know if you want alcohol you drink proper alcohol and she goes god that's okay okay yeah no ice next time but he's in her

thank you Colin yeah get a get a nail a housemaid's biff really so just just to recount my 12 13 year old isn't going to have tick to but it's going to be a fat alcoholic but lovely skin because of the avon and jack will be at the footy hopefully with you all right let's have a break Paddy the Dagger Patrick Madonna brilliant stand-up unbelievable you're uh

you've got tour shows you've got shows coming up yeah and one in Liverpool yeah one in Liverpool hot water when is it

terrible with this oh my I'm fucking tired I'm fucking tired for you lab it's in April anyway it's in April anyway it's got to

hot water and all the April and when he walked this year 17th in April but he's you're in Newcastle in a couple of weeks

as what oh wait is it Newcastle and Ireland It's Newcastle. I'm in Newcastle. Yeah, I'm in the Newcastle on the 25th of April. I remember that. New 28.

28. Oh, wait. One minute. No, 26 of April. You're in Newcastle. 26. There you go. It's close enough.

Yeah. Is this part of the big tour? Yeah, it's just a tour. Well, I don't normally do us do the show. I know. It's one of them ones. I just sort of thought out there and hope people go, you know, that way. This is the Rob Thomas model of Sally.

What's it called? It's good, so. Say that again? Goutes out. Oh, gout, south. Yeah. Right, as in the... Yeah, the gout.

The foot thing. Yeah. Yeah. You got gout? Yeah, big time. Is it? What is gout? It's a fucking medieval disease.

It's heavy the a finer. Yeah. It's when you don't... It's when you don't take your kids to football in the Saturday, you get it? Is it like, is it like, is it like... No, that's extreme. No, it's not. Some people think it's like that...

I'm actually going to tell people I have AIDS now instead of gout because you get less of... a reaction and there's nobody wearing a wee ribbon for me having good. Do you know what I mean? It's just fucking. It's that. It's really, it's that fucking sore. Does your foot just get sore because of all the... My elbow, this elbow

is bigger than that elbow because it has just constantly has good on it. Do you know what I mean? So, and it's just painful. So you don't get rid of the crystals, you don't piss out the crystals and it builds up in your joints and then your body puts inflammation around it, which is a sore bit. Do we piss crystals? Yeah. You piss crystals.

I honestly think the bill with all the comedians that have got gout would be we've got Dan Ternan. Sanford. Paddy the Badi. Who else? Samford, isn't it? Hold on. How many pints in the day? Paddy the buddy. Oh yeah. Sandro? He has it.

Dan Tiener got goals? Are you just giving him that one over? That's Paddy the Badi. Sorry, I meant and then Paddy the Dagger. I apologise. If Paddy the Badi's got it, something's gone wrong with his training. Is it a heart thing? No, not that I know of. It's like cheese and tequila.

It's crystal dope. Yeah, it's, it's inbreeding. It's hard you get. That's how you get it. I've spoke to spousiness. It's in breeding. It's fucking, definitely Irish people have arthritis and gut and all

because after the famine, you know, the gene pool wasn't that big. So your cousin was only your cousin from the front. Do you know what I mean? That could be anyone. It's awful that it had happened. And that's why we have so many diseases. But yeah, like my dad was adapted.

And when I've done the DNA, taste. He came from a wee town and there was like one surname for both states. So I was like, well, this explains the gut, and the arthritis and stuff like that. I love it how you're not taking any blame for the gout as well. It's genetic, man. It is genetic, man. It's got to be a bit of lifestyle.

Don't get me wrong. You can eat stuff like wangoms and pisto gravy and fucking alcohol. Wine gums cause us gold. Yeah. Careful. Yeah. Careful. Yeah. Careful. he'll come for you. Can I get another Belfast wine gums? Wayne gums?

Bisto gravy. Besto gravy does it, yeah. Most stuff that's fucking like the red wine is not good for it but the doctor, the specialist says to me if you're drinking anything, drink red wine. That's what I say to my daughter. Because the French fucking drink it and they can smoke like fuck

because it clears their arteries and stuff he says red wine's great but beer and stuff stay the fuck away from. Ginnis is sounder in it? Clear, no. I love it It's fucking It's worth it If you get a good paint of Guinness

It's worth it to have fucking If you're going to do it There's no point having one Because you're going to get the gut out anyway Have fucking 10 You know what I mean That's it That's and finding the right Guinness

In Liverpool Yeah there's a good few pubs To do a decent one yeah It's still like obviously An inch below Yeah The Emerald Dial But yeah there's some good places like

Belfast has this one place And it's genuinely the peep's really short till the fucking what's it called? What's it called? The morning star but you have to get the bar man he's called Dackland you have to get him to do it because it just gets it, you can drink them like Christmas Eve we were stuck in the bar

we might be getting stuff in the town and I was like I'm staying here for more Jacklin's serving fucking getting inside fucking what does he do differently? He just pours it right? It is a way to pour it you know it's creamy and it stays creamy and it's just and it's really cold it's that wee bit colder

than other places and it's just you drink it, it's like nagler, do you know what I mean? And I'm going doubling on Friday. Well, I had one. I had one yesterday. It was from a fucking tin. Oh, that doesn't count.

It doesn't count. It's fucking... You might as well about dog food, mate? My father and all was like, what's wrong with that? And he's like, it's fucking stinking. He says it took it like three hours of drink. It was fucking rotten.

Declan didn't do it. No. I really needed Declan. The morning star. Morning star, Bob and Belfast. Yeah, it's down an alleyway. And it's, uh,

It's just great. It's not even special about the bar. It's just an old... But they're always the best Guinness. Neil, there's other places to do it, but in there is the best paint that I've had in Belfast. The best paint.

I'm going Ireland this weekend. Two weeks in a row of boozing. He's back. I'm back, baby. Bring on the gout. Dan Bachingale, me. That's what they call him. Well, they will.

Got a question. Joe Gray says, afternoon lids. Question for you. As we know, it's said that you die twice. Your body, and then the last time you say you're, the last time your name is said, who from the past do you think will never die

as their name will be said forever? And secondly, who alive now will never die for the same reasons? Love the pod, and that's from Joe. Or Joe Simpson? This is the Coco. This is the Coco theory, in it. Have you seen the Disney Pixar?

It's called, it's, you've got to be, once no one remembers you, or your name isn't said, and you disappear from the afterlife. You die in the afterlife. I've only cried of two films and that's one of them. What's the other one?

Marley and me. Yeah, anyone with a heart. Oh, no, when the wrinkly old ball bag nana starts singing. Is that Marley and me? That's what the dog shit they're saying in the beach, wasn't it? Yeah, I've only watched that film once and I will just flat not watch it again.

What's that the Marley and me? Have you seen Clegg? Yeah, again. Yeah, I didn't. He sees his dad for the last time. No, didn't, didn't cry. I cried at a different bit. I cried in the street,

when they're in the street and it's raining. I cried then. That's what all the gays cried out. Yeah, all, I'm one of the gays. Not wrong with it. Just, you know, it's data. He's collected it. What a great gal.

O.J. Simpson, I mean, he's... O.J. Simpson's number one. No, he could diet someone. point. He did last year, but you think his name will die, really? I don't think it's that. I don't think he's first ballot. Hitler's goaded for this, isn't he? Jesus?

Yeah. Paulo Eskampar? Over O.J. I think they're in the same tier, you know? Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson has more chance of going on than O.J. Simpson because the music will be played hundreds of years from now. Elvis is a good one.

Because of his name. His name's cool, as well, that's one word. I think Michael Jackson could die. die if some other mad paedophile builds like a super fairground in his house. Epstein did, yeah. Yeah, but it wasn't a fairground,

was it? It was for paedophiles. I tell you what? It was more like an adult fairground. Epstein didn't get enough credit. Like, he really was in till his disability rights, look. Yeah, yeah, Hawkins there?

Bringing Hawkins to that island. Like, he would have had built ramps and fucking, like, he went out there, like, do you know what I mean? Exactly. Nobody really appreciates him for that. It was all right, man. Do you know what I'm saying it?

The disabled rights, people should come out and go, look, he should have been in an, ambassador for us. I know like, he'd done other ways. He really did. Do you just imagine fucking Hawkins coming off the plane going, wow, amazing. Thank you. Here's a

more interesting question in this sort of area. Do you think there's anyone we can bring back alive right now? Someone who hasn't been said for a while. George Michael. So hang on. Their name hasn't been said for so long that you say it.

Yeah. But Mick Ripp There must be a dead Mick Ripley that no one's saying. Oh, you just say any combo name and in the afterlife, loads of Michael Ripley's got to be. Oh, God. Who's brought me back? Well, it's going to be a name that... Michael Ripley from late and buzzard.

There must be someone who that applies to. Who is a boring cunt. No one remembers him and you've just woken him up in the afterlife going, up in the after life going, And now his name has been said on here And we'll be, this is genius It'll be repeated for years Hey go, me cripply lad.

Welcome back, brother. What if you didn't want to come back? Rippers? What have you from like the 1600s And he's confused by this new world? Yeah, they've got to adapt pretty quick on that, aren't they? They're in the after life. We've not brought them back.

Did I think the laughter life updates? Lafter life? It's a new comedy club comes to them. Yeah, I think OJ, I think OJ is one, because it's like a... I think you're overbuilding OJ. No, but his name's a brand. Michael Jackson is two quite, you know, boring names.

Michael Jackson's way higher up than OJ. In hundreds of years, Michael Jackson's music will still be played. Michael Jordan. And his music will still be played. People will be watching Space Jam for years to come. You said the B and Michael B. Jordan's doing so much lifting, and it works.

Like it does. Because you never go. You don't think of Michael Jordan. You think of Michael B. All it is is a B. Is it right? It's good. Does his middle name begin with B

or is it just because like the normal Michael Jordan's A? No, it's like he's always, he's always Jordan and Michael B Jordan. But did he not have to do that because of the acting thing, you know when you put it in to the acting? I imagine. Because he's made in Space Jam. For the credits, yeah. Because Michael Jordan would have been obviously in Space Jam.

Yeah, maybe. And they imagine you had to change and you had to put the initial in because somebody was in the space jam. The Chal series is the worst fellow ever made. Yeah, do you think so? Oh, it's so bad. It's spectacular. It's also got one of the worst

The points I've ever seen in any film ever. So, have you seen it? No. Not the second one's in the first one. The second one's LeBron. Right. It's the same film, but it's LeBron. Basically.

Better CGI. Yeah. Marginally. Wow. But LeBron's like playing basketball in his own, like, back garden. and sort of happens and he's talking to someone. And then is,

I think it's his missus is in the house. You got a machine where he says ball, a ball comes to. Yeah. And he's playing on his own. And then someone goes, ah, like, your missus has made fucking

a bit of curry there or whatever. And it cuts to him. I'm not. Your missus made a bit of curry there. I love it. It cuts to him. And he's, like,

it's meant to be like he's dead excited. so he runs back in so he goes oh that's my favourite and runs into the house right but when it cuts back to him there's about his hair's longer it's about like 1.5

seconds that the camera's on him before he says oh that's my favourite so that 1.5 seconds that's an editor's problem it's not even bad acting it's pretty terrible acting anyway it's meatballs because the ball hit him in the air goes

meat balls And then a ball hit, I'm like, hey, the molding. Yeah, but like, as it cuts to him, there's a second and a half where he's just going. Oh, that's my favourite. And it's so jarring, if you notice it. Yeah, it's terrible. It's so bad.

It just makes him look like he's had a brain injury. Yeah. It's so fucking stupid. Well, he's alive now. LeBron's one of them people, surely. Again, he's... I'm a bit biased, but I feel like the Beatles are some of them. I feel like they're going to...

George Arison's on his way out. As much as I don't like it, as much as I don't like it, Trump's going to be remembered longer than it. Because once you're on that list of presidents, it's a different type of history, isn't it? Yeah. OJ was super famous, but...

Infamy is so much easier to live forever on and fame. Genghis Khan was ages ago. Harold Shipman, shouldn't be remembered, but he is, man. Genghis Khan, Harold Shipman, Donald Trump. That's like that sit. Holy Trinze? Sherman Mao. What was his first name?

Chairman? We're going to give some advice. Chairman Mowling for everyone. You go giving advice, Paddy? No? I think he may give himself that name. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

His name is Mousy Dong. Mousie Vong. Yeah, my name's Mousievdon. It's like Bart Simpson Brankoll. Oh, he'll live forever, man. He will? Chairman Mao. Sorry, Dan.

When's he from? You don't even know. Not that long ago. Exactly. He died in 1976. No, he fucking never. He's like the 10 hundreds, didn't he? He saw Terminator.

He killed so many people. He didn't die in the 90s. In the 1900s. Yeah. The 70s. He's only born in 1893. He saw the summer of love, man. On Boxing Day.

Good for him. I hope he got some new clothes. Oh, wow. In his football case? The new China to awaken. He was a nerd. He is China, then he? The new China, kids.

He is China, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah. I honestly thought he was like the starter China. Isn't that the Ming? The Ming dynasty, yeah. I'm getting me mings and my mouths mings on. Chairman Ming.

Chairman Ming. Yeah. Chairman Ming sells Avon, mate. Put that on the soil at wall. Kill more people than Stalin and Hitler. Yeah, because there's more of them, isn't it? What about the ratio? Percentage.

Because there's more of them. Loads in January. Ah, yes. Ten a penny. We're going to give some advice. Rafferti says, wag, wag the boys, need some advice. My mate has always been a bit unlucky in the dating world. After being single for ages,

he's finally bagged himself a girlfriend and showed us photos at the pub. is, I went to school with a girl and she had a bad reputation. She essentially did the rounds with half the lads in both our year and the year above, as well as cheating on every boyfriend she had. She even sent a video of herself frigging, well, sent a video of her frigging herself off with a TV remote that ended up doing the rounds and she got called Samsung Sophie for the rest of school. Is it worth me mentioning it? Or do I have to just pretend that I don't know, don't know her when I see her? You can't be fucking judging a woman because she likes to feel of those rubbery buttons.

makes it. Change colour afterwards. Oh, you. You can't be judging anyone from the school days either, really, if you've grown old. You've got to move on and let people live, ma'am. It's really, dear. Is that from the Ming or Mao dynasty?

You know, I think it was Chairman Mingu who said, you know, so she was a bit of a slag. Jog on. Let's start China. Hey? How do you think there's so many of us? Because of slags like Sophie. Samsung, Sophie.

Yeah, I don't think... It depends how old you are. He's still as late teens, maybe. Because you put up with that paddy? Like, just take your actual misses out of it. Let's say you started seeing someone a few years ago, and then one of your mates was like, do you know, everyone's row there?

Everyone's fucked her around here. Would that body, yeah? Probably. Would it, yeah? Probably. If you didn't know, but, I mean, if you didn't, No, it was the reason

I'd be interested. Would you rather not know? Yes. Yeah. But then everyone knows behind your back. I know. That's my worst nightmare.

There's people knowing stuff I don't know. People do stuff you don't have. Like quantum physics. No, I mean gossip about me. If his misses is doing quantum physics behind his back. What's that you're in the kitchen?

Nothing. Better not be quantum physics. Or sucking people. people off from school. I'm so suspicious. That's my two lines. Mad face, dear man, is to get the video and send it to his mate.

Oh, you are going in and going this is full disclosure. It's his friend. And I know he didn't have a girlfriend, but, you know, I even have to tell him. What is all this judgment on girls who put it about a bit at school age? God bless them. Fucking heroes, mate.

Does it still happen? Does it still happen? You can't touch boobie? I shut up. The fucking girls who were like into it. great, legends. They should be fucking encouraged. 16 year olds who are like, with other 16 year olds. Yeah.

Yeah, we're saying. Oh, whoa. Clear them up. I wasn't on my podcast going, I've got, kids that fuck. No, encourage you. Wait until your kids are at age. It's fucking tough, man. She's not going to school. She's not on TikTok. She's not going to school. Jorales, a lad or a girl?

A lad. Which is all right, because when you have a lad, you only worry about about one dick. But when you have daughters you have to worry about all the dicks and the TV remote Do you know the hardest bit for me

with my daughter and her boyfriend is I came home one night and he had my Chinese Whoa That's a fucking That's a have a word Isn't it? Isn't it?

That isn't just a yellow That is a straight red Yeah completely like Because it's a one thing Like I'm like Chicken fried race A piece of curry And some chips

Everything else You can order whatever you want, just leave some for me. Like I'm home and it was like, oh, I don't know, just, give us this such and I was like, what? What? Like, fucking...

That's a power move, though. Yeah, that is. That is a ultimate power move. Yeah. Was he still in the house when you found old? He's lucky. Lucky. Listen, you've got a daughter,

she's got a boyfriend, you got a sound about that, you sound about everything. It's weird that the Chinese... I'm not sound about it. No? I don't think you ever are. It's a fucking weird feeling.

You're not sound with it like and I'm probably hard on like my daughter's boyfriend more so than my son's girlfriend do you know what I mean oh you hard on him yeah yeah what gives him I don't know I just don't know what it is it's just it's just it's your daughter yeah like passive aggressive yeah and I don't mean to be but it's just like don't get me wrong I make him dinner and stuff like that but like the other day we were having dinner and I was like see when I was younger my granny used to say to me even if you didn't like food and other people's houses you fucking had the whole thing and that was me being country to him. I know it was.

And I didn't even mean to be. Do you know what I mean? Because he's sitting there going, I don't like fucking Culliverte's. I don't like your Chinese, when you're like it for you this food in this house, you finish it. You gaslighting him really well. You eat everything. He's like, he ate it fucking all. He's eating your Chinese

going, I don't want to eat it anymore. I'm so scared of him. Eat another fucking tracker. How old is he? He's 16. Okay, so I had that one. And he's actually not a bad kid. He's a good kid. Like, you know, he's not like me.

If my daughter brought somebody like me home with 16, it would be fucking, I would go full Trump like, fucking, I would fucking rack their house. Do you know what I mean? But he's a good kid. But he's never, and he's never been mean to her or, because that's, no. Have you got any house rules with them?

Like, leave the door open or? Oh, fuck. They're not allowed in their bedroom, like, not allowed. But they're allowed. How old daddy? 16. Oh, okay.

They're allowed to space. Like, there's a living room that they can have. right? The doors close. And I make sure the younger ones but young kids are great for that. It's like if you want

disrupt something you just go quiet in. Class. Where's your sister? Young kids don't wrap the door to this like I'm gha!

Dan, I'd have them gangbanging all over the house. 16, go for it mate. But when you think back when you're 16 like... It wasn't as fun when it was my daughter. I know.

Well, it wasn't. It just feels fun. It comes back to haunt you. I'll have another kid to stop it happening. Laura, listen, Edna's getting older. We need a six-year-old quick. I think on this, I think what you've got to do

is find out somehow whether you mate wants to know about stuff like this. So I'm just telling you all now, I would want to know, because I can't. I can't fucking stand the idea of you knowing something about my life and especially me misses that I don't,

like I'd need to fucking know. We need to talk to you because Alex has got a degree from Harvard and astrophysics. She's been keeping it quiet. How much did she pay for that? There's levels, though, surely. Like, if there's something low level,

you wouldn't want to know everything. Like, if I knew she'd, like, before, like, she'd kiss someone, we knew. Would you want to know that? Just like a kiss? Obviously, if there's, like, something bigger. Hmm. If I was going to be in a room with them.

Right. Like, in a social setting regularly, then yeah, probably. But, like, this, I think you've got to just, like, taking for a pint and, you know, just bring it up. Did my school, lad? No, no.

Because they didn't go to the same school, so remember school wouldn't work. Just be like, hey, do you know if your baby was getting wallop by everyone, would you want to know? Hey, just asking? Like, not like now, but like, if I knew, like, 27 people who'd wallop, like someone you were seeing,

not your bed now, but like someone else, would you want to know? And if he's like, do you know this about my bed? You just go, no, I'm asking for me. You'll just go, no, I'm asking for me. You'll make, Dean. And the fact you've got Dean ready, convince him.

But it's about someone else. Do you know what I mean? and then he could be like, oh, yeah, I don't think I'd want to know. Then you go, ah, I don't worry about it then. And just come to see you later. I think you need to do it quicker rather than Nader too because the later goes into the relationship

if he gets deeper in with her. And then they're engaged. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The stakes of, yeah. But then what? Maybe she's, maybe he already knows. Maybe she's been honest. Maybe he's chill, man.

Yeah. Maybe she's gone, yeah. I fricked myself off with a Samsung remote. I'm what? Does that mean she can never have more? I went to Sky Remote me. Big, more gertie, bigger buttons. What?

Does that mean she can never find love? Just because she was a ditty girl in school. Oh yeah, because she can find love. Yeah, so why not with him? Yeah, that's what we're saying. It was hard. Just need to be honest. Yeah.

If it's fair mother, then everybody's cool. I don't know what I mean. I think you're innately not fine with it by thinking you've got to tell them. Yeah. I'm telling you right now, by the way, the other way around, the girl mates would tell her.

The girl mates would be like... He was a pay game. Do you know how he's shucked like Lindsay and Binsey and Minzy? Stop everything. Stop everything. The Danish triplets. Lindsay, Minzie and Binsey. Big girls.

Obviously he's a young guy too because once you get the marriage, you're all the women you're going to meet her. See? Lindy! He shoved a sky the most up his ass in school. Do you know that? And Binsey was there as well. Binsey.

I don't think Minsey's doing well out of those three. Binsey? Let's go with a Binsey actually. One more. Anonymous lady. Oh, what a lady. She's known some fucking remotes in her life. Anonymous, please.

I've just split up with my ex. We were together seven years. I'm getting back out, dating, etc. Here's where I need advice. I am a squirter. Is it polite to pre-worn people I sleep with or does that put pressure on them if it doesn't happen?

Oh, that's a good question now. She's going out there. The thing is, though, if you're a squater and the fella you fucking doesn't make you squirtier, you'd ask how he feels about it. You're just going to get off anyway, aren't you? You're not going to become a non-square? because someone's shit in bed.

Also, you hold the power of going, I've never done that before. Oh my God. And then, bam. A wet bed of lies. Yeah, I've never done that before. Wow, you must be so good. Then he gets confident and you've got a good fella then.

And then two years later, you go, by the way, I used to piss everywhere before we were. Just in an argument. It wasn't just you. I pissed on everyone, me, me. I'm going out. Wait, you didn't say you were going out. I am going out.

Right, well, I pissed on everyone. Load. What if she's actually the girl that's in the previous bit of an vase here? Yes. Piss is on Samsung remote. Hold that power and use it. Don't lie about it, but what I'd do is definitely, like, if you're worried about, like, if it only happens sort of when it's good,

then you're waiting until it's good and go, yeah, he fucking did a good job there. And if he's like, bet you've never done that before, be like, no, I have a few times, actually, but... But, like, it's only when it's good, so well done. And then if it doesn't happen, and he's just, you know, sat there going, And I was class me, wasn't it? You can be like, yeah, of course you were, Barry. And then you just fuck off.

And also, no lad is going to be appalled if you squirt. I mean, that is also a litmus test, isn't it? If you start squirting and he's like, oh, God, I didn't know this was going to happen. There was no warning. What if you've never moved the squirted though? And you're like, what the fuck's going on here, man? She's drowning.

Because surely there's two people who together who've never experienced squared. Like, she's never done it and he's never seen her. That must be a mad. Have you been squirted on, Finn? Hang on. There's a drop for this. I need to just find it.

I love a bit of connollingus I love a bit of conallengous Finner we know you love conallengist there you're thanks for answering answer I've answered that's my answer

have you been squares long I missed it and the pause means yes and hopefully this isn't watched in real it is every week

so I'm you know Oh is that what you're worried about your mom she didn't do it she did it well the answer there is not Sorry, Tim's mum. I feel really hot.

I bet you do. Someone, someone squirt on him. Cool him down. Brother, you don't know. I'm just out. Don't worry about your mum and everybody. Yes. Are you going to follow that over?

Have you been squares than Paddy? Yeah. And I've paid for the thugging privilege. Have you? I would like. If I was single and was wherever. brass and she was like, for the extra, I squirt, I love you. And I'd be like, go ahead, there's another fibre.

Yeah. Five. Five. Five. You're in? It's not piss. It's come. It's out of the piss all, man. Piss. It looks like piss. Smells like piss. It's piss. It's five pounds of piss. I don't know how much that. Ladies and Dent, that's a podcast.

I think once you've said, that's five pounds of piss. There's not loads of other places you can go. Go and see Paddy on tour. Go and see me on tour. Go and see Adam on tour. I need to start promoting. You didn't even let it breathe. No, go see me on.

Adam's on tour later in the year. Paddy is on tour in the next few weeks. I'm going to go, I'm going to do Dan Nightingale and Friends from August through to February, and I'm just about to announce that. There you go. We also have the stars in the rise tickets on sale now. They are selling very nicely.

Do not miss that. Sunday the 31st of May in Liverpool, our first maybe only ever stars in their eyes. You will not want to miss it. Do we have some music to play as out then? I didn't know we'd announce that. We had announced that. We've got a first time artist on the on the pod. This is Callum Pitt and this is his tune Ghosts Along the Coast Line. No way. That's not a real one. You've made that one up as a joke. He's from Morkham. fucking out. Oh, geez. He's raising the dead here, isn't it?

Matt's in the ems are with their song. Jeez, Paddy. See everyone. We're ending that before someone says exactly what they're thinking. I'm a rock on the harbor wall and miles along the coastline.

The ocean wild and frothy taking pieces from the land. The hopes are too familiar but the chance are split by fault lines. The city returns to the sun Another air burned out like a paraffin Still waiting behind

And on move of a barrier The bitter wind hauls, the skies are blackening Murchy as the tide We'll drink until we're happier And maybe this man I'll do something better Maybe next February We'll know someone better

The coastline The ocean wild and frog The hopes are too familiar But the chance to split by fog lines The city returns to the sun