Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #374 with Joel Dommett - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: March 28, 2026

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comHAW x Stars In Their Eyes Tickets: https://www.skiddle.com/e/42247092Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukCherry (Live at the M&S Bank Arena): https://finnlayk.lnk.to/CherryArenaAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's new EP: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/AllInYourMindThanks to this week's sponsors:Hello Fresh | https://www.hellofresh.co.uk/HAVEAWORD50Go to https://www.hellofresh.co.uk/HAVEAWORD50 to enjoy an exclusive offer of 50% off your first box, along with a 20% discount for the following one month plus free desserts for life. Alternatively, you can use our code HAVEAWORD50. This special offer is available for new customers as well as those who cancelled their subscription twelve months ago or more.Heights | https://heights.com/haveawordEnter code HAVEAWORD20 at checkout for 20% off your first month!Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Saily | https://saily.com/haveawordDownload SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world.HelloFresh Terms and Conditions: This offer entitles you to 50% off your first box, and 20% off your next seven boxes when ordered in consecutive weeks during your first two months as a HelloFresh customer. One voucher per customer and household. Must be 18 or over. Once redeemed you will be signed up to a flexible rolling weekly subscription. Valid for UK residents only (including Jersey, Guernsey & Isle of Man), excluding Scottish Highlands and Islands. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Time for this week's episode of the Hav-a-Word podcast. Before we get going, tickets are now on sale to a massive podcast music event that is happening on Sunday, the 31st of May in Liverpool. It's going to be a huge Patreon special, Carl, what we're talking about? Stars in their eyes, the classic 90s, naughty game show kind of thing where you go on, you do a bit of singing, you look like the person. It's just going to be a proper night of real laughs.

And I think it's going to be one-of-one, isn't it? We're going to do this again. This is a pretty special, Patron's special. I'm really looking forward to it. I know how excited we are behind the scenes. We've got all of the boys you know from the pod. Johnny Bongo has been announced. There's another four or five pod legends.

Let's keep them secret guests. All right, okay. We'll slow release those. What's Wilde is, I've been in the meetings where people have been talking about which artists they're going to get makeup done as and perform as. And it's a mental option.

Keep start guessing who you think. You think you're going to be wrong, but it's going to be a night you don't want to miss. genuinely. We don't do lots of live stuff with the pod, so the stuff we do, there is special, and it doesn't come much more special

than us doing music, because you're not going to see that again. The tickets are bought on sale a few days. It's already half sold out. This isn't one you want to sit on your hands with. Stars on the Rise, 31st of May,

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every week on a Wednesday. All the specials does loads of them. Loads of specials, early access. There's also things that are there on the outside. There's access to tickets. EG stars in their eyes. I'm even 50 specials now. Yeah, from as little as £3 a month,

you get everything we do all the time new, but then all of the back catalogue as well. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod and enjoy the episode because it's going to be a belt, £3,000, you get everything. Come on, watch this and lose, baby. Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn

This is the one and only have a word Brought to you by Monscape The very best products on the market for below the waist groomer Go, Ed, get on me Feel jealous that you're all getting your bards and your face done Why? I don't know, I'm at it. Maybe I want a bit of this. I want a man to keep me, you know?

What? I say like go to barbers. Yeah. You can, you've got a beard? Maybe I want the full... Because when we went to Turkey to do the special, I thought we were getting... You know, I was getting my nipples, waxed and all sorts.

My ears set on fire, whatever they do. Yeah. It's your culture. Yeah. And then basically we went to a 17-year-old that started about eight minutes before we turned up. And he shaved my head for an hour and a half. and it just was too intense.

You could come to our barbers and get your head shaved. Yeah. They do the knife one as well. I've become friends with Josh. They do the knife one. Yeah, he said. You could get like a proper knife head.

Yeah? The blade? He does my neck with the blade. Like a Sweeney Todd blade? Yeah. Are they fucking... Yeah. I want it.

Will he shave my back? No. I think he'll do anything for the right price. Yeah, you will. He's like most people. I don't think it's on the menu. I think...

It's not like on the menu. on the board behind the till. It's one of them. But I do think like... You do it in the back or upstairs. Yeah. I want it on the back. Can I ask you,

are you going to keep dying your beard? Yeah. Because here's the thing... Have you gone off it? It's not that I've gone off here. I just don't think... I think you can be a man who has died as beard.

I don't think you can be a man who dies as beard. Do you know what I mean? Definitely now the latter. Yeah, do what I mean? Like, you can do it once and be like, I died my beard and everyone's like, oh, yeah, it doesn't not too bad. there, but if you're regularly dying it

and you're a man who dies his beard. I am that, I'm that man. You can't be, though. I want to be. I think you look so much better. You do because of this, and you were nice about, you're the litmus class.

You look better with a wig on? You can't do it. That's not true if you've watched Hustle. There's some of them. What are you talking about, bro? Some of them were bad. You don't even know me more. He looked better with that, like,

the big cap wig on than he does normally with his head. That's true. I know, I'm sorry. I know, but I can't do that. Can I? You get a tube. There's literally a shop near up here that literally throw a stone distance. You could say a stone's throw.

You're all right. That does tubes. Does toupes? Does, they call the hair system now. Rossi wears one. Rossi? Jonathan? No.

The money does the announcements at Everton's ground. Oh, Rossi. The guy that you never see. He could wear anything. I say more time. A clown costume. You do look better. Coming on for the school.

science. You do look better with your died beard. I just don't know whether you can be a man who dies his beard. What? But,

but yes. I sort of know what you mean, but I am the thing that you're saying I can't be. But don't you want to stop. Well, he can just say... No, because I don't like my beard. And it's all gingery and going grey

and I don't like it. Not I'm wrong with a bit of salt. If you went grey... Salting paprika? There is. If you just say he has stopped every time, he's now a man who died his beard. Yeah.

Doesn't we're going to do it again? When did he lost again? I did it in Tanzania, and then it's fluctuated in, you know, darkness ever since, probably once a week. Would you get a hair system? This morning. That's what they're called now, hair systems.

Well, if you haven't watched The Hustle special, Patreon.com slash have WordPod for the 40-odd minutes that I was in that, what is called? Wig shop. It's a wig, fucking wig shop. No, no, that's a wig. This is called a hair,

it's a permanent thing. You don't take it off. It's semi-permanent. It lasts for like six months. It's a glued on one. Essentially, yeah. Yeah, but what about my swimming? What you mean?

Is you swimming? I mean, I don't think it. Mollies rigs don't come up. The glue's waterproof? No. Of course it is. It doesn't just come off in the rain. You have to wash it, it's hair.

Right, I want one. Yeah, it's called the hair system. What if I change in my mind, though? What if I put the glued on fucking wig, the hair system? Sorry, you've got shares in it. And then you go, yeah, lad, you're a guy that can try your wig on. You can't be a fucking guy who has a... a wig glued on

and then I'm there for six months like, what? You can't take it off. You'll look like Danny DeVito and Matilda. You know, like the glue at the front's still stuck where the hat's stuck.

Also then just shave it off if you ate it that much? Well then I've got stubble and glue. It's a bad, isn't it? Therefore, bother. I imagine you could go back and they'd melt it off

with like some kind of machine. Yeah, the blowtorcher. Yeah. I feel happy. If they're involved in this, messaging. Get one. And just do six months with air.

It's too permanent. No, it starts gimpy. This is gimpy. Get a tattooed on then? That's proper gimpy. Get a tattooed on? Oh,

you mean the tattooed head stubble? Like Frankie Allen, he's got it, hasn't he? Yeah, we mentioned, Ryder and he had his eyelashes tattooed. Sean Ryder and Frankie Allen,

two of my big heroes. In terms of everything I've been doing with self-improvement and help, they're the guys, I'm looking at. Well, if you're not sure about the tattoo,

I could do it in Sharpie for you first. There you go. Such a good friend. Let's start now. What A do you want? Oh, look. A Sharpie. Do you want to come over then?

Adam Rowe with a black Sharpie with that much joy on his face is a dangerous Adam Rowe. What A would you want in tattoo? It's for him. There's only one, isn't there? What's the Frankie Ellen? He's about 40% eyebrow. Is he not bald? Yeah, but he's got the tattoo.

I think. Do you know that? No, but I've looked at it. It's a dark tint. It's like a, basically, it's like a buzz cut that never grows. Yeah. It's like a Peter Pan buzz cut. But as you will have observed, men who shave their head who can grow hair

look like they've shaved their head. Bald men go shiny. It's the curse of the bald is the shine. Like David Beckham, 2002, You know, when he whipped in that qualifying free case at Old Trafford, that is a beautiful man who can grow beautiful hair, shaving it, I'd say to about a number two, maybe number three, and looking phenomenal. A bald man goes shiny.

So what are you going to do? Fucking tattoo on what looks like a hint of hair, and you've got the shine. And then I'm going to be debuffing my head. This is all that slippery is weird. Where are you bald? My back. Thank you, Laura.

Like, which bit of your head's bald? The top. Right? That bit. You know? What I'm asking is. Have you seen Antilio Lombardo? Yeah, Tilly.

Ninety-N77 Crystal Palace. I don't know who that is. Right. The most bald cunt I've ever seen in the world. No, but if you grew your hair out for like six months. Bad. But like, Fryer tuck. Frye a tuck.

Where were they grown? Where were they grown? Where would it not grow? You know, short back inside and have a long back in sides. Fuck all on top. So this is done, but this is fine. Yeah, it's, it's bad.

So I'll only, I'll only, I'll only, I'll only, I'll only, Sharpie, the top of your head. Show me Lombardo. And we'll wait for the sides to grow into the Sharpie. Oh, so I've got, Show me Lombardo. Show me Lombardo.

Grow my hair out and then I'll fill the gaps in. Right. So I've got black, Sharpie marks. Like, literally, Jack. because I had too many fruit shoots and just attack me while I'm napping. I can probably get you some gold pen.

There's other shades then. Oh, gold, shiny fucking head. Yeah. And then wispy, shitty, old man back and sides, I walk in the Mersey. That's how that I'll go. I'll drown. They'll be like, that's a weird gold bit,

just disappearing. That's Dan night and go, he's dead now. Fuck off. Just let me just dye my beard. For Dan Day 2, which will happen in the future, I imagine. Thank you. We will do a semi-payment

hair. I can't. I can't. You can? And you will love it. The Dan days, the days, they're really good. I'll do a lot for content. But a Dwight Oak, that was a laugh, wasn't it? I was the most green person in human history.

The next day, man doesn't want to be green anymore. Like, I can't have glued on hair the next day. But you'll wake up like, the mox in hell. You'll turn on me. I won't. No, you will. You'll be like, whoa. Yeah, of course, I will. And then you'll go, fucking hell, I'll die. I can't believe you've kept that on.

And I'll be like, it's you that had the fucking idea. Danjo, what happened? You look at it and go, well, I look great, I feel more confidence. And then you just don't stop doing it.

This is what I'm doing with my beard and you're all fucking chasing my mind of it. It's only in me things you to give. Thank you, Carl. I also think your beard looks good. I just don't know whether you want to be that guy. I am that guy. That's okay.

As long as you want to be that guy, it's not my business. It's probably because we've seen them before, isn't it? Like, most people, like, when you do gigs, if you're not,

doing it to the lids, most people don't know. So they're just like, who is this jacked guy with the black beard? Imagine going to go on Aldi. Of all the interactions we've had, that's one of my favorites. Imagine going to know, you've got the beard, you've got the jacked, you've got the new, don't know, wavy air and you're getting the pool. The women aren't going, he dies that and that's a wig. They're going to go, wow.

Wow. Wow. And Lord will go, he's mine, hands off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then she gets competitive. Then the fighting, tit pops out. Best holiday ever. Yeah.

Here's a question. Let's say we get his egg glued on, his hair system. Yeah. Because I imagine he has to shave the sides quite regularly to stop it growing out. I'm wet shaving everywhere. Rob Thomas got me onto it and he was right. Right. So what happens if that then, will that like push his ear system off?

No, I imagine they'll make that set the sides a part of it. No, it's like photosynthesis. It won't grow if it doesn't get sunlight. Solar panel, out. I imagine they'll use the back and sides as a part of the... No, but my back and sides is bad. No, it's not bad.

How long would that grow if you left at six months? Oh, God. The worst type of experiment. I don't know. How long as you think you'd have to grow your side's over? For it to be as long as my side's hard right now? Two or three weeks.

Surely it doesn't grow slower. Wow. Two or three weeks? That was a joke. No, a month. Three years? I don't know. I can't even entertain it.

It's bad air, mate. Is it Dr. Phil? Yeah. That's my head. Right. Dr. Phil, Ed. Do you reckon that I'll ever be in? Yeah.

But with Dadbad. Do you know how like how, like, air styles come and grow? Like the Mohawk had a moment. Nice. Nice. Yeah. Like the reverse mowoch could become a thing. Could be up what all the skaters are doing in a few years.

Yeah, don't you think skater? Baldwin's going to become, like, extinct, isn't it? pretty soon. Like, they're getting there. You're like the last generation of bald. Why? Because we're not fucking.

No, because. We fucking. Because they've developed remedies and stuff that can... What's the remedy? Tattoes. They are... They're fucking...

No, but they have... The medicines come on loads for balding people, hasn't it? Too late for me. But you were just too late. Get dementia done first. So like,

bald hairstyles might come in because it's going to be like niche. Well, you know what I love, yeah? A doctor Phil Ed. That would be the women. Well, that had its time in the 15th century. That was the...

the peak of the monk head. Oh yeah, you got a monk head? Yeah, you've got Monkhead. Oh yeah, even if those guys could grow beautiful hair once they got in the monastery. They buzzed it. Bob Monkhead. They invented electricity just to buzz cut them.

And the Greeks, like tiny cocks, didn't they? Like the Greek dynasty. I'm really not of my ear, am I? No what I mean? Like, you'd have been class in Greece. Big cocks were unsightly. You'd have been running the Gaffin' Inche Greece. Get a bed sheet on.

Look at his fucking shiny hair and pubs on the side. Julio C's would have been like, do know what? I'm fucking... I'm not touching him. CPR goalkeeper. Julio says her. Play for Inns Malam.

He'd have ceded the throne to you, my friend. Oh, Julio Ceded. He's got great hair and a little knob. Julius Caesar, the famous Emperor of Greece. Remember him? Got murdered on my birthday. Did he? You were around?

Wasn't your birthday, though? What did he do? The aides of March. Did he ruin your party? Famously got stabbed to death by his mates. Two, Brutus. Me? E2.

E2? Spanish. And what you're taking a piss? Was he not? In Greece? No, he's a Roman emperor. But I thought it was like Roman Greece.

Did you? Roman Greece, Egypt. Everywhere. That are Egypt's before that, isn't it? You're right, yeah, it is. Oh, that's in... Empires at the same time. I thought he was like a two-way champion.

Do you know what I thought he had? Oh, he'd moved on. They did have Egypt, though, didn't they? Because wasn't Mark Anthony piping Cleopatra? They had Egypt, yeah. Egypt's been there for ages. Yeah. Like back end Egypt, not pomp Egypt.

No. When Egypt was like, oh, yeah. Like Rio Ferdinand at QPR, Egypt. Yeah. It's a lot of QPR from you from the past five minutes. Isn't that now Egypt? Yeah, Egypt's been Egypt for a while. But like Egypt, it started fucking, it was basically dinosaurs a few weeks.

Pyramids, one of? Yeah. Yeah. There was. It was dinosaurs, and then Julio Cesar, the former Inter-Malan keeper, who was king of Egypt, Greece, and Rome. Dinosaurs, Julio Cesar. Didn't he just go?

Henry the eighth, now we're here. I'm the leader now. Get on it. And then everyone went, no, he went, I am. I was Captain Phillips. No, he was the emperor of the Republic of Rome, on he? Yeah, but didn't he say, I mean, I'm learning this from Batman. But didn't.

What? From what in Batman? It's the scene with Harvey Dent in the restaurant with the ballet bird. Oh, yeah, yeah, I know exactly. I swear I get all my history as well. But wasn't he like, hey, I'm sticking around me. He was like, no, he's like, I am.

Because he meant to like change the leaders, but he's like, yeah, fuck you, I'm in now. That might have been right, you know. So who was Greece then? Socrates. All the Brazilian football players. Socrates. Dunga.

Plato. But they were just philosophers, though, aren't they? I don't actually know who the Greek leader? were. Troy, I mean, this is not my ear of history.

Troy's not real. Alexander. Yeah. Troy was real. Don't forget to write. The story of Troy isn't real. I was it

Helen and the fucking Troyes knows. But it's the classics in it so who knows if it's real. Yeah, exactly. But I think people think it's real.

Pericles. King Lee. Pericles. Hang on, there's a very, very justified screech. Speaking of history. Yeah.

Oh, wasn't, hang on, I'll give you something else. Me and Finn have booked a little boys' getaway. Me and Finn are going away for a couple of days. We spoke about her? When?

When I wasn't here? Yeah. Very briefly. Oh. When Isham was there. You're no best friend. Go see Hamilton. Yeah.

Oh, sorry. Hamilton made it. Yeah. Normal. What do you mean? At first I was like, what? I was like, oh, okay. Adam and Finn have put together a secret boys trip.

Yeah, feels weird. We've been away before. Why? We've been to Spain together. No, to Spain, just me and him. What? Yeah, went to the match. We went to Valencia. Take away the football.

So without football, why are you booking the two of you going away together? Musical theatre, that's it. There you go. That's two, like two is more, is two more than most. If you didn't have the Emerald Island pizza, you wouldn't be shagging Harry or Irish Allen.

Oh. That is absolutely right here. You've never taken me to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never take me to that, I have two things in common as well as work is quite a lot. If it wasn't a fucking

European away match with Liverpool or Hamilton, you two going, we're having a nice little three day away together. It would be weird. If it wasn't Wall Street, you wouldn't be made with Bondi, would you? Nice. But you can say without that you wouldn't be,

but they are. That's with loads of things. Yeah. Without your kids, wouldn't be going on a holiday with Laura? No, I think if you'd go on more. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Damn it. Did you just suggest that I'd divorce my wife if it wasn't for the kids? A lot of couples do. Nothing but net from you today. No. No, she started really listening to the pod again. I love you so much, babe. Which can't listen to.

God, I love you. Phenomenal woman. No, come on. Unusual for you and Finn to announce out of nowhere. We're having three days away or something. Hamilton makes it not unusual. Of course. As soon as I found out it was Hamilton,

it's your theatrey, geekery. Do you think there's anyone who works at this company that you could go away with for a couple of days and it wouldn't be mad? I think me and Stee, just together going away for a couple of days, would raise some fucking eyebrows. Yeah, but you have the Formula One, don't you?

We have the Formula One. Stee has every sport. Do you know what I mean? If I went to the Margot. Grand Prix next year? That would be class. Terrible Grand Prix, too, really. Is it?

Yeah. This is traffic. Fucking dog shit. I thought it was where all the billionaires went, though. Well, Bondi's there, but I don't want to mix friends groups. Me and Stee are going to Spar Francahomp, which is a far superior Grand Prix. In France? Gold Belt, Belgium.

Belgium. Did you tell them why we've picked now? Because the Mansbach. Dominic Alvin's out. The new guy's in. Because Bill Burr's doing the main character or something. Leslie Odom Jr. Oh, O.

QPR player. Definitely. He's playing Aaron Baer for the first time in England. Woo! He was in the original Broadway cast. Of course he was. He was the best one. Oh, I've got the album.

He's in the film. Oh! Is it a film? It's like a film of the musical. On Disney Plus. You should watch you with that. Oh, Disney Plus. Yeah.

Brother cancel my subscription. Go on. And I'm just wondering, is that anyone in any form of art that would make you like we... Wow. Great prep question. Do I mean? Yeah. Like, because, like, we heard he was coming back

and we queued all morning online to get tickets for this. Who? Who? Sue Barker, question of sport. That's a great. Get me in the studio. Dad, not to make you jealous,

but I have seen that in the flesh. Wow. Well, not to take away the jealousy. So have I. Have you? Yeah. We at the same episode? No, I'm starting to question.

whether she would have been doing it in 1993 now. Phil Tuffel. I saw Tuffus. He was on her. Nick Pope was on his team. Can you honestly put, when did Sue Barker do Question of Sport? 17 maybe.

There's question of sports still going then? Yeah, Alex. Isn't this still going no? They've redid it with, is it Paddy McGinnis now? I remember that. Alex, Alex Scott says. Paddy McGinnis is hosting questions.

It's a good guess. If it's... Fuck sake. Fleddy Flint off. In 1997. No, it wasn't her then. Who hosted it in 1993, 93, 94 around then? We went on a school trip to watch Question of Sport.

That's amazing. I don't know why I'm remembering this. I remember being at school on a random summer evening and being picked up near the geography block and then driven to Manchester to the old BBC on Oxford Road. And I remember the warm-up guy coming through the weight. We were all in like a lounge and he was doing bits. David Coleman.

You saw Beefie Botham as well? Oh no, it was Botham and the cricketer. Ian Botham? And no, the rugby player. Bill Beaumont. Bill Beaumont. That's my fucking. And Chris Sutton as well?

Chris Sutton was there? No, this is just one episode of. Oh, you might have made that one? It's definitely not Chris. I just thought, I thought Shibarho was the OG at that. She is the goal. She was a tennis one, won't she? Yeah.

She played tennis. Yeah. Didn't she get battered by Navratel over? Yeah. I mean, she won Wimbledon, didn't she? Yeah, but she was Navrath. was a little bitch, won't she? I think everyone was in the 80s.

Subaq. Lesbian, did she? She not? Pretty sure she did. That Rathelov was a lesbian. Wow. That's news. I didn't know what Subarca played tennis.

Sorry, she won the French Open. One of the grand slums? Suba gay. That's what she said, wouldn't she? She wanted? Loved a bit of clay. I don't know. Pussy?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Teddy Wogan, Your DeVision. But it was on the telly, won't he? But that was Goate to the TV, better than name Norton. My grandma did Blankety Blank when Terry Wogan was hosting it. Well, to me, that's not even remotely the goat

because that's obviously Lily Savage. Or, Les De, not Les Dennis, who do I mean? Paulins. Who do I mean? This is the old comedian who's fucking brilliant. Why I'm a bit of dick? Blankety Blank used to be. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. His daughter went to Seneca school. Les Dawson. Les Dawson. Les Dawson. James Tabo. Same person. That's Lisa Tabo.

on block on blockbusters. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Also, did Terry Wogan, he didn't host Eurovision, he just did the commentary. Yeah, okay. And he was fucking, Oh, and his,

Spain with the tune. He's listened to her. So famously Irish. What? So famously Irish. Yeah, but he's got a very difficult voice to imitate. Wait, it's not,

hello, I'm from Egbeth. And he's a lot, these mad Lithuanian cunts. Here they come. I love that he just go, 80s, he'd do a proper honest. Even though it's BBC, it was still a bit like, what the fuck's going on here?

He said, they all get bladded, don't he? I'm so glad he never got outed as a wrong, have you, randomly, it comes up on my algorithm once in a while, him saying goodbye to the Radio 2 breakfast show. Oh, yeah. He knows his last broadcast, and then he says goodbye, and he's like, we've been friends for so long,

and I've been here with you in the morning, and you've been here with me. And he gets a little bit choked up. And he dies. And then he dies. And I'm like, for the last time. I'm dead.

For the last time I'll say goodbye to you, and this is radio too. This is a slith. And now I'm going to die immediately. Job! Opset me, nasty bitch! I pressed the wrong button there. Do you know when you say,

I'm so glad he never got ours of us of wrong, it sounds like you know he was one, but you're glad it was kept up. That's smooth. Do I have an opposite to that? I wish Forsyth was. Why? He was horrible.

No, he wasn't. He was. If you go back... It was a really lovely man and national treasure. If you go back and watch any Fawcith, all he's doing all the time, just grabbing the birds by the heart.

It's horrible. That was such a good impression. With a young Test Daily, test day, this is like 25 years ago. So she's like 68. And he's a... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or is a scratch race?

Little bit of can. What was it? Little bit of cubs. To me do you? That's the chocolate rumours. Yeah. You get your moustache. Are my paedophiles?

A little bit of a cat. Nice to do you. To get it. Classic force. Little bit of cat. Am I missing son? He was all about. He moves.

Little bit of a cat. What's this? He moves like a pedophile. Yeah. Like he was. Dan is what? That is he? You know what I mean, though?

Watch him. Oh, we're dancing, all young girls. A little bit of cats. Tammis thought he was wrong and... Basically. I mean, a little bit of hyperbole. And a little bit of cunt. I remember watching an episode of...

The place is right till at the start. He'd do a joke. You come out and go, Oh, hello Dave, we'll do a little joke. Remember Lisa Riley? Yeah, who was on Emmerdale. He went, Lisa Riley was in a show before me. He had to widen the door to her dressing room

when she broke the couch. Can I just say? He went, he'll be a can't. Look, can't. He changed his catchphrase for that. He basically went, Lisa Riley's a fat bitch, and he, you want to play a game?

Oh, come on, Carl. Things were different back then. It was the 80s, late, 80s, early 90s. That was good, wholesome banter. She's a big gouthing-old. That is in. He got away with mervyn. I bet you.

He was horrible and he was always at age as well. What was it when he was young? What was this catchphrase? Nice to see you. Nice to see you. Nice. Lisa's big. Hang.

Wronging. Nailed on. Hiding in plain sight. He was on his only catchphrase. Nice to see you, see you nice. A little bit of cunt. A little bit of a gun. You can be

one pen over, not one pair and da. You can be as big, much as one, under one penny over. Yeah. Is that a car? Welcome to the showcase. Oh, down. A little bit of a little bit.

You can be a little bit heavy but not one pound over. He's buried under the London Palladium. Oh. Don't take me to the hospital. Fucking Richard the third in a test going, like. What?

They've got like some entertainers at the London Palladium. Like, oh minute, let me see who's wearing that. Well, he's not going in Westminster Abbey

with this track record that we've just made up out of nowhere who can't get sued because he's dead. He was one who died at the right time, I'm saying. Oh,

it's just, it's just Bruce Forsy's ashes and under the stage at the London Pladeum and there's a blue plaque that says, a little bit of cunt. Classic Forsyth.

Put me under the stage. Who is looking up? Oh, look at the performance. as when you're scared. An eternity of purvin. He was dating Miss World, wasn't he? I'm getting that confabulated of somebody else. Every year when she won it, she had to date Bruce Falser.

It was one of the prizes. It's why they've stopped doing the competition. Congratulations. Wasn't he dating Miss World? Was he handsome back in the day? Yeah. No. He married Miss World. You had to be handsome to be on tell you back then.

Because to have a look. There wasn't enough. He married. You had to be handsome to be on TV. Well, Les, Olson hosted Blankety Blank. Will, well, I'm talking back in the 60s. Oh my God, he looks like Larry Dean.

Googled young Bruce Forsy. He always looked like that, though. He was not handsome back in the day. Oh, yeah, good-looking man. Who's the guy with the church? That's mad when I was a mussy, you know? No, he looks like that fucking, um, that preacher from America is like, Charlie Kirk.

No? Looks like him now. Oh, hmm. Ah, refreshing bit of water. You'll be a cant. No, we can't. No, we can't. Thank God I've got my looks.

I'll get on TV. He's just said that, by the way. A little bit of a cat. Under the stage at the Pallade him. He never played it, but, you know. Only there was grab women. And there's no way at that fame at that time, he didn't use that.

Yeah, he was so grabby that Tess Daly was like, I want to present it with club. Claudia Winkleman. Yeah. And now it's going to be someone new, who either are you two in the running? What? What are you telling me?

For the new booge force? It's Test Daly going to an old people's arm. Test Daily and Claudia have left. Big change at strictly, H.Q. I'm glad my nana's in the ground because she would be appalled with this hostess. This is really upset her. I mean, COVID would have been an issue as well,

but changing the... I would have been an issue? For old people. Oh, you mean it could have killed her? No, I think she... I mean, China's got a bit racist against the Chinese. Who would have exacerbated the situation? Have they always been the host?

Since Brucey, went under the Palladium stage. But I think it wasn't it? Was it not Angela Lansbury? It was Angela Lansbury. Someone like that. It was murder she wrote. There was a crossover episode.

A little bit of. It was a woman that reminds you of Angela Lansbury. It used to be called come dancing. It was just like, ballroom dancers like in the 80s. And then they changed, they like revamped it. Do you know like Love Island was just celebrities initially?

And then they changed it to non-celebrities. It was the opposite. And we are talking 30 years of series here because they're on, they've been doing it for time. Calm dancing was a thing in like the 40s, wasn't it? Has it ever?

It's all coming back together. It was hosted by Terry Wogan. Oh, lovely. Look at these people dancing. Angela Rippen. I was close. Angela Rippen. Who was in,

Andrew Rippen was in that Morkham and Wise sketch because she used to read the news. She knew, read the, yeah, Rippers. So the, the hosts, the next hosts. Got the Rippers. The Ripper. The favourite is Fleur East to be the new strictly host. I mean, we can all make up sounds,

Cardiff, West off. You know, Fleur East. Who the fuck is? Fleur East was on the X Factor, and she performed Uptown Funk the week before it was released by Bruno Mars. It was groundbreaking at the time. It was, she was like, she'd come out and nailed it. And then, like, a week later, Bruno,

where I was like, my song now, they let her use it and it was done as like a big PR push for Broom Marz's song. Can we put some respect on Mark Ronson's name? Yeah, we should. With his creative. Flur East. Fuck me, she is an attractive woman.

She was in the over 25s. You've never seen her. So are you? You've never seen her before? My God, she is gorgeous. Let's see. And she's got my hair. And...

You know Fleury's. For the YouTube watchers, please do not play. Is Joel Domit? in the run? I mean he should be. He's not on the list, but he should be. And then there's another X Factor O'1. Rylan, his second favourite.

That would make sense. They're going to have two hosts again. They've got to, that's the title doesn't work without it. And then Hannah Waddingham from Ted Lassow. Yeah. Who's Barr? She's fucking. Zoe Ball. No. What is it? 2001. She was very

lor-tees. Holly Willoughby. Anton Dubeck. Oh, he's always in the running. He'll never know. Stacey Dooley. Who? Fuck off.

Rochelle from the Saturdays. Alicia Dixon. God, she's. Roman Kemp. And then who's Barr? Ross Kemp. Ross Kemp is not hosting with flirt. Flerd at East.

Did I say, fucking dancing? Did I just say Ross Kemp? No, I said that. Oh, right. You're with fucking Beauty and the Beast. It was Barr. I don't know what Bar is. I don't know who Bar is or if Bar is like a betting

term. It is a better term and I can't remember what it is. Okay. Is it like no one on the list? Oh, like a secret? Yeah, probably. I'm in love. Well, we're going to let Dan go and have a little wank over for a playlist.

She's. Remarkable. Great time. Welcome back to this second section of the Haverwood podcast. Sign up to our Patreon. It's the biggest patron in the UK, one of the biggest in the world. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. you get an extra episode every week

and all of the access to our back catalogue and it is colossal. All the patron specials have been so many for as little as three pounds a month you can join the lid army. Why wouldn't you? Shall we do some questions, lads?

Where do you hear this, honey? Questions? You left that when I go. Yes. Sending your questions. Have a word pod at gmail.com. Don't DM me asking.

Have a word pod at gmail.com. The email. Tony says, how do, lads? One for you to debate. At what point do you become an adult? Not necessarily an age, but what life milestone makes you an adult. Cheers, lads.

That's from Tony. Anal. When I receive anil. I'm just a boy then. What about a girl? what's mean? When they get bummed, they're an adult.

Yeah. Oh, I just... It doesn't really work this, does it? I honestly thought you were saying, until you've been fucked in the bum, you're not a grown-up. And I was like, I'm youth.

No, but then there's lots of paedophilia going around, isn't it? And that's just really bad connotations. I think... I've got one. When you go into the big shop, as the Tesco, whatever, and you buy an Easter egg

when it's not Easter. I've never felt more like an adult buying an Easter egg in like February. Because when you were a kid, it was like, no, you get one then. I buy one whatever I want, no. That is a good point. No child ever buys their own Easter egg.

That makes you still a child. No. The fact that you can't restrain yourself as an adult and have the Easter on Easter. Why? Because it's an Easter egg. So fucking what? This is childish. No, it's not.

I want an Easter egg. I'll just pick it up fucking have it then. When I was a kid, that's what a kid would do without rules. I go, Mom, can I have that? And you go, no, it's not Easter. Exactly. Now when adults, I decide who buys Easter eggs and when? Because you're a child?

No, because I'm an adult with the possibility to do it. It also is the best chocolate. By a mile, yeah? I don't know what they're doing with that. So you don't buy yourself Easter eggs before Easter? Yeah. I'm a child as well. Oh, okay.

As long as you're not. I'd never thought about it until this year that you're allowed to buy your own. I've never bought myself an Easterer. It's unbelievable. I remember when I was a kid, right? And I, so the chippy in Dovey was like a five to ten minute, walk from where I grew up. And my mate,

who was like three years younger than me, he was more, he was closer with our Jack. It was like one of our Jack's really good mate. I was outside the Chippy waiting for my mum to come out to post office. And it was like three o'clock in the afternoon. And he just turned up on his bike

and went into the chippy. And I was like, I'm just getting some food. And I was like, are you having a Chippy tea tonight? And he went, no? My mum gave me like three quid for sweets. And I just, Fancy getting some chips instead, so I'm just going to go...

That was the first time it into my head that, like, food, food you could use money for. Yeah. So every little bit of pocket money, you were like, Christmas for sweets and stickers. Yeah, yeah. And I was like 13. No, but you don't realize you can go to...

Buying your first milk. What I mean? Shut that your mum or your mom did for you that you just did. Paying the bill is a good shout, though. I think the first time you pay a proper bill What kind of bill? Like a phone bill doesn't count. It could.

No, but it doesn't, I don't think. Energy bill, but then use that. Council tax. Yeah. Council attacks feels like a really boring adult. Water bill. Fucking fuck water bills, mate. I think it's the first bill of all the bills.

I think it's the first time you choose to like sort of cupboard out. Like no one's told you to sort of cupboard out. But you just go. You're not moving out. Yeah, it's just I need to do something about that fucking cupboard, man. No child has ever resorted the garage. Yeah. The first time I booked a holiday felt the most adult.

Do I mean? No, come on. When you book holiday on your own? Me and said, I went to Egypt together. And that was the first time I've been like a way away with, like on my own essentially. And I felt like an adult. Well, because I didn't know you need travel insurance until I booked my first holiday. You don't need travel insurance.

You should. Yeah. You are meant to, like. Where are you going? I took me extra turkey. I know, that's not anal. She wasn't you an ex then? I wish she was.

This would have been better if you were my ex. What? No, I'm going to call it on holiday there because when we got to the end of our A levels, we booked a holiday. And no adults were involved in that. And we were children in a different country. Like that we were just kids.

No one had travel insurance unless they had good parents and I didn't. I had travel insurance and used it on my lads holiday I ended up in hospital food poisoning was out of action for four days of a seven day lad's holiday lads, lads, yeah yeah shit my pants

where did you eat a chicken gyro oh is the Greeks coming after you it was the Greeks that was being near they near country what about when

because we this is a bit sad I wish granddad's didn't die but they do. When all your grandparents are gone, my aunt. You're what? So you're still youthful

going around with your pocket money, banging Easter eggs? But so you saying you were a child until like last year? Year before. But what if you're like seven and all your grandparents are on like, I'm the man of the house now?

You've got to grow up quickly. On the plane that hit the Pentagon? Wow. What an unlucky that. Both grandparents are holidaying together because they get on so well. Oh, it's total coincidence. No, two of them were in the Pentagon.

So two of them work for... Who's in the Pentagon, by the way? Is it M.I. 6? Oh, my God. Is it CIA? You might be CIA. I don't know. Billy's on the Pentagon. Billy, no! Virginia?

Yeah. They're in... Who's in the Pentagon? Apart from random... CIA? No, they do not. They work in Langley. Langley, that's it.

Not Holmonds. Homoland. That's what? That's why the, that's why Alka, he'd have bombed it. Civil service. It was just a load of civil servants. Civil servants and military personnel. So two of your grandparents are civil servants in the United States.

No, no, no, no, no. They've got some information for the Seaskskid Service. Right, so they're talking to the Civil Service. No, who's in there? Civil service. Civil service. Pensions. Right. But there wasn't there also like, like war money and stuff in there?

I always went missing. There's military personnel. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Ah, right. So is he in. It's where they get all the pizzas when it all kicks off, in it? Yeah.

You see it about that? Whenever, like, America starts fucking around in the Middle East or whatever, like, they're about to. They track the pizza orders. Yeah, because it means they're in the war room. There's the thing on Google. That's a pizza tracker for the Pentagon.

And the gay clubs? I thought it was a White House as well. And it's just a pentacle. It's mainly the... Because it's when all the people congregate at. It's like when they killed Bin Laden, everyone went to the Pentagon to watch it on a big screen. I'll have pizza.

So people are tracking pizza deliveries. What if Sue from accounts is retiring and they're like, she doesn't really drink, we'll have a pizza party. And then everyone's tracking this and they're like, oh, it's kicking off somewhere in the world. Oh, pizza parties mean something else in that part of the world. Yeah, Sue eats children. Oh, like cheese and tomato, Dan.

Yeah, of course, she does. Stuffed crust. Stuffed with kids. A little bit of can. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, though. If you're in the Pentagon and you want to keep here, like secret that you're about to, you know, bomb Syria or something.

Just get Indian. Yeah. Mm. No one's tracking curry sales. All the gay clubs get busy as well. On Wall Street. Yeah.

What? All the gay clubs around Wall Street get busy when there's about to be a crash because they all go, oh, fuck it, I'll go and get bummed. Change that's the thing. It's the strippers, isn't it? Google that.

Gay clubs. Strippers and gay clubs. Yeah. It's because they're all like, oh, fuck it. They're all filled with pizza and they're filled with coal. Can we have anything

even remotely close to the actual fact here or? This is all facts. I've said this before. The pizza thing's true. I know the pizza thing's true, but Harry throwing out, yeah, everyone goes to get bummed because there's an economic crash.

It cannot be true. It is. Yeah, no, Carlin Wall Street. In the big short, everyone was like, oh, there's all these trunches or whatever they call him out.

No, they didn't go, oh, mate, I'm going to lose all my equity. I'm going to get, railed. No, what they do is when it gets the point of no return, they go, ah, do you know what, fuck this, I need a bit of R&R. Sex. In the bum.

It's R&R. R&R is like... Rest and rest. Rest and recuperation. That's from bumming, is it? Bit of Ardena. That's how I rest. With a dick in my ass. You know? Have you seen the stocks and shares? Nightmare. Well, because when people do weird things when the financial clash happens,

in it, people start... There's only being one, so... There's a bit less. Yeah, I mean, when a bit, weird. Hang on. Hang on. There's only been one. The big one in our lifetime. The Great Depression,

they weren't in the gay clubs, I don't think. Oh, the Wall Street crash of 1929. Is that 28? 28, 29. That's when gay people, that was the first gay people. That's how bad that crash was.

1929. They didn't even understand that. There was no gay people before that, apart from like Rome, dinosaurs. They were like, yeah, need to get bummed. And they were like, well, see, what is it?

Wasn't it? prohibition then so they couldn't get drunk. They got bummed instead. That's all makes sense. What's the other big crashes? Black Monday. 1992? Hall Walker.

That was a big one. That was 1987. Jose Antonio Reyes? I was on in 92. You really don't like Reyes, do you? No. Black Wednesday. Jose Antonio Reyes, the Spanish footballer who died in a car crash

and Carl found out he was massively speeding. Oh, I was about to find something out for the first time then. again. Jose. Yeah, he was just being, like, over 100. Still sad, though, in it? Oh, it's sad. But, you know, we've been sad that he'd be killed someone.

And did people go for pizza when it happened? No, I think you get these two things conflated. Piaella. What's the next question done? Absolutely. Next question. 100 million, right, this is from Robin. 100 million pounds, but time freezes.

It literally stops for 10 years. You can move freely around the world, but everything is paused. After 10 years, everything picks. up where it left off, but you're 10 years older, but you'd have the 100 million tax-free, I've added that, are you taking it? Hang on, so, like Bernard's watch style, everything freezes. Yeah, like I am legend.

What's the point in having the 100 million? Because at the end of the 10 years, you've got 100 million pounds. So you get to live the rest of your life, which is now 10 years shorter than everyone else's, but with 100 million pounds in the bank. But do I have to live that 10 years? You have to live that 10 years.

On your own? Or can you have someone with you? I'm going to fucking do. I didn't even factor in. No, it's just you in it? Time freezes. No. You can't do 10 years on your own.

It's Iron legend, isn't it? When he's talking to the mannequins in the music shop? It's basically 10 years in like prison? It's 10 years in solitary. Solitary confinement. Can't even go on the roller coasters. Solitary confinement, boys, boys, boys, boy. 10 years of peace and quiet.

If the lecky goes off. And you can just... Because of no one running there? Yeah, the lecky goes off. But you can... If it's a nice summer's night, you can sleep. sleep in the, sleep at Wembley. Just be like, fancy going 10 downing street,

wandering in, have a little sleep there. They're fucking grey. How did you get in the door? What? How are you getting to London? You're walking to London? Yeah, eventually, I get there. Yeah, that's a good point.

It takes four and a half days. I could drive there. I know it takes four and a half days because earlier today, I tried to check the walking distance from the hotel we're staying in tonight to the Devonshire pub. Did it from your house?

I did it from my house. Everything's frozen, Dan. Where the fuck has Harry booked us here? Everything you touch, like everything's stopped, everything, but everything you touch that isn't a person

or a living creature will work. So you can get in a car and drive it. Okay. It will run out of fuel and... So can you use the internet then? No, the internet will be... There's no one running the surface. Yeah.

No, but I mean, you can touch... It's basically 10 years of nothing... Oh, it sounds fucking great there. You know, if you go for a piss? I've got insane. If you go for a piss, does the...

Have you got to keep on water? walking backwards because it freezes in the air. No, it's not, it's not, Arctic freezing. It's stop working. No, but it's time frozen. This isn't a tundra. Your urine will just hit the ground.

Then you couldn't breathe, could you? Because your lungs wouldn't move. You could, like, write your name? I think that's the last issue of you're pissing in the air. I think you'd get, right, if you'd have 10 years for free, you'd get rounds of writing your name in pace. Probably.

What's the next question, done? It's like we've forgotten to fucking, to answer questions. Unbelievable. Give some advice. Changing tact. Either help. Changing tack or change in tact.

Changing tact. It's like tactic, isn't it? If you don't, you might do time. Agony Adam. Step to this. Woo! Anonymous. Hello, lads. I need some advice. I'm a bar manager, and I've been given a dilemma.

There's a lad at work. Let's call him Matty. that I've become best mates with. He's not the best worker, but we have a proper laugh every time we're on shift together. I got pulled in by the owner and was shown CCTV of him sticking his cock

in a pint glass and then serving it to a customer. I've been told I have to pull him aside and sack him. Yeah. I've been told I have to pull him aside and sack him and I'm absolutely gutted and don't know how to do it. What makes things worse, he's the only one at work that knows that I shagged one of the chefs in the walking freezer,

so I'm worried he'll say something. What do I do? Walking freezer? Or even fridge. Can you not bonk in a freezer? Pretty hard. It's just cold, isn't it? It's private, though.

It is. How cold it? Oh, it's like a freezer. Fries and frozen, yeah. Just walking makes you feel like it won't be... It won't be as cold as an actual freezer, surely. Would it not be like minus six? Everything's still frozen, then?

I don't think I've ever worked anywhere with a walk in. What temperature do you think of the freezing your houses? Minus 18. It says it on the thing. Is it that cold? Yeah. I mean, mine says on the, on the, the electronic thing, says four degrees for the fridge and minus 18 for the freezer. But yeah, walking fridge is a common.

We used to steal a chicken from there. They are very cold, in there. Anyway, back to the task at hand. Are we all right? So do you think you made to grass? Yeah. I think if if you are genuinely close with them,

I think what you can do here is go, listen, Keith, what's his name? Matty. Matty. Matty, Keith. Matthew. You know what I call you Keith, yeah? One of our bits.

One of the other managers has seen you putting your cock in a pint glass and serving it to a customer. I've done everything in a can, trying to keep your job, but I've got to let you go. I'll give you a great reference. or speak to me other mate in other bar jobs

and try and get you in somewhere else. But it's a great worker, doesn't stick his dick in pint glasses. You'll love it. Why don't you bring that up, John? Ah, it keeps a secret. You've got to, like, sort of, yeah, make it out that it's someone else's decision.

Yeah, it's out of my hands this. It's the owner, man, he's seen it, what would want me to do? Do you really want an enemy out there who's, you know, capable of this level of debauchery? You know? I mean, and also, what are you doing? I imagine you've done this to someone.

No, but I know. I've been involved in Jep's. We'll actually talk about it with Joel Dommie when he comes in. But I've never done... Good teas. Coch in pint glass. What? But I've seen people...

I know somebody. I want to say which workplace it was. I want to say when it was, man or woman. But he... He put an ice cream up his ass. This is awful. Put an ice cream up his ass and melted it into a bottle. Put it on the back bar.

Was it this workplace? Put it back on the back bar? Ice cream. Got a bottle, like a, let's say, I don't know, a diplomatical. Yeah. Open the lid, put an ice cube up his ass. Oh, ice cube.

And then the drip of the ice cube into the bottle. Tamsin White says. That's why. I've also seen the same, this isn't me, by the way, I promise. I've seen the same person shove a bottle of JD up as ours. And you know, you have to like pull a plastic down. Do you know what I mean?

I've seen the manager come down. We've been short in the speed rail. Where the fuck's this? Blah, blah, blah, blah. Opened it and then opened it with his teeth. What did you say when he was sticking bottles up his bum bum? I was working hard. I was dying, laughing, filming it.

I wasn't filming it. You know, you don't make it evidence. I wasn't there. I was there. How did you see it? you went there? I heard. Right.

Tamzin White says, Hey, I need some advice. I am newly engaged lady and since two of you are married and Carl did it twice, I want some advice on how to deal with unwanted advice. I've never really thought hard

about the wedding stuff. However, me and my partner have been discussing rough ideas of things we'd like. However, his family don't like a single thing we say we want. They want a very traditional wedding

and we really don't. How do I tell them? we don't need or want the advice. Cheers, lads. And that's from Tamsin. Carl? Not a clue. How'd you go about that?

Are they taking... The thing is, are you taking money off them? Is this... Because otherwise, I don't understand what the peril is here. If you're paying for your own wedding and everyone's like, well, we think you should do this.

It's family drama though, in it? Come on, mate. Weddings don't come with... Did you not have any input on, like, either side of your family being like, you should do it like this? Yeah, my dad was very controlling. had loads of creative ideas.

He was like, babe, honestly. Doing it at Roxy Ballroom. This is how I walk on a tour. It's going to be big. It's going to be brash. That's deserved more. Doing a Roxy Ballroom. Nice.

Nice. Bowled. No, everyone can fuck off. But I suppose my mother-in-law did give us money. Then she's so chilled. They make people insane. Yeah, but also, like, you're not running for president. It's not like that.

Are you done? It's a wedding, but it's also a meeting greet. It's a fundraiser. We're going to win the Democratic primary. Thanks, Dad. Once we've got Maine, the rest of the country's ours. Is your dad the Queen of Scotty Road? He's the Queen of Scotty Road.

And he's a political advisor for the GOP. I just think, like, if you, you know, if you fuck her mother-in-law's, like, heirs a bit of money. And then she's like, but I get to choose the flowers. You have to go listen, love. fucking keep your money and fuck off. No, I like money.

I like money more than flowers. I don't think what does Bondy want? He's paying for it. I don't think giving someone money as a gift ever gives you the right to tell them what to do with it. Politically it does. That's what I mean. He's not running for presidents. Do you mean?

Apart from sex workers. If you run a pack and you want to back someone as president, then you get to be like, hey, by the way, knocked of the 80 off on these. Yeah, and that's the big problem. That's Calvin Clad. That's the big problem with the Trump administration, isn't it?

Really messing with the politics of underpants. But if you work in the undy world and your fund... The devil. And your fund of presidential campaigns. You know, you want to knock that 20% off your kecks. Mr. Pringles here. I do just think when it comes to weddings... People lose their minds.

Yeah, but I just... I just think it's just, it's our wedding and we're doing it this way and you're welcome to come and if you don't want to, then fucking don't come. What a fantastic idea, Adam. I think you got quite unlucky with it.

I got, like, I had a really easy run of it. Here's how I see it, right? You and your wife to be, husband to be are doing a wedding, it's your thing. You're essentially throwing a party and going, we love you, can you please come and be involved in it? Can you imagine hosting a husband,

a party and go, do you want to come? And they go, can you change everything? And now come? You'll go, no. No, can you have seven DJs or reggae? You're like, no, we're not doing it? I mean, they're not bad suggestions, not they? That's good.

But, like, we're doing it. Do you want to come? Yeah, lovely. Do you not want to come? Cool. Change it? No. No, we're doing it.

You are invited to look at it. You don't get to do it. You've done it. I've done a painting. Yeah, you want to come and see him, Peyton? You're going to draw it all over it? No, you can look at it. If you're going to draw it all over it, don't come.

I've made us some, I've made us a dinner. It's gorgeous, gorgeous. You want to pour petrol over it? No, no, we won't be able to eat it then. It wouldn't be as good. Don't come to the dinner. We're going to eat it over here. Do another one.

Go on, another one. No, I've got no more. I haven't really got an opinion on this either. No, but good hypotheticals that you came up. Obviously, your weddings were plain sailing, but I can imagine that you've put yourself in the place of someone who felt frustrated about a wedding. I've done very well.

My mother-in-law is so chilled out. She gave us the money and she... She's just fucking... I think I've got so lucky. My mother-in-law... I'm not saying she's chilled. A little bit of can't. She's fucking in the walking free.

I think she's on crack. Yeah, just now if you get married, weddings make people very irrational. Not everyone. You can't get unlucky with it. No, no, no, but I'm saying, even in the smallest way, weddings can make people get irrational

because people have got a lot of, like... Oh, I've just remembered. Laura's grandma started inviting people. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're absolutely right. Laura was like, so it's a small... We had 80 people at the actual ceremony, and then we had 300.

people at the party later. And Laura's Graham went, well, you've got to, you're anti-Gladis. And Laura's like, no, I've not seen them since 2004. And she went, well, it's your anti-Gladis. And she went, no, it's not. She's just your mate that used to live next door to you and that moved to Lincolnshire. Did they watch the Monaco and Porto, FAA, you know, Champions League Finals again? They absolutely did.

Thank you for that. So we had to invite two old people that live in Lincolnshire that aren't related to Laura. She wasn't real, Auntie. It was just the neighbour from behind that they were friendly with, from gardening. And they were like, oh, that's your anti-Gladdish. There we go. There we go. That's your anti-Gladdice.

By the way, I couldn't give a flying fork. Gladys can come all the way from Lincolnshire. Great. Swell time. But Laura was like, I can't believe my grand made me invite someone. And then because of the pressure of the situation, it's just easier to agree to it. And then Laura's like,

all right, she can come to the night do. She's like, no, Gladys needs to be at the ceremony. Why? Who lived behind my wife's grandma and now lives in Lincolnshire was there. Never made. Laura hasn't seen it since 2004. Champions League final.

They were like, oh, I can't believe Marino's done this, we're moving. Yeah, it makes people irrational. It makes people... It was Marinole, yeah. I cannot wait to see, genuinely, if Harry and Ellie ever get married, watching Harry deal with these politics.

Because Harry, Harry, Harry dealing with any relationship politics and any family politics is one of... It's... You treat everything like a minefield. Like, everything's just, I can't piss out.

I can't do that. No, no. might upset. It's going to be biblical, and I can't wait to document it. I don't know how, you know that episode of Friends where Rachel has two parties

because I feel like it's going to be like that because my dad didn't even come to me graduation. He was in the, he came to Sheffield, but then just waited in the union building until it was done. Can I bagsy go into Chandler and Joey's because I don't want to be playing ball with Monica?

But your mum and dad came to the arena after show and were fine. My mum, as a drink, and they goes, I'm going to talk to Tony, and then goes and... Who's Tony? My dad. Oh.

And it goes and speaks to my dad. And my dad was very... They were very civil, I think, because it was a big night. But your wedding's the same. They would be as civil. I think it's even bigger, to be fair. I don't think they'll be as...

I don't know. I hope they will. You have to pick a path and Ellie has to join you on it. You either really hard and go, listen, this is the way it is. Sorry. Always hard me.

Or you have to bend and let everyone have whatever they want, the middle ground. causes fucking chaos. As we're seeing in government at the minute. Yeah. Oh. Oh, goodness me. Lovely political incident. You have to be hard lined

or super chilled. Don't be like, yeah, it's fine. You have to go hard. You have to go back to our original thing of go, this is what I want. Like, I know it's been a bit tumultuous with your parents because it is a minefield. Let's be honest. I know you wear it emotionally. But when it comes to your wedding,

people have to put their big boy pants on and fucking put you first and not there bickering. That's what you'd hope would happen. If they can do it for the after party of the arena, your wedding's much bigger than that. I'm going to be, it's pretty the same. I'm still going to wear the rest of the belt. Yeah, I want to be there.

I say I'm not too, normally I pick one thing that I'm bothered about. I like compromise. So like when we bought the house, it was like the house has to be near a train station and then we bought the perfect house that was near a train station. You and Ellie will work out the things you want.

But you have to then stick to them. You can't go, right, me anti-Gladis gets to invite three people, but they can't because then they go, and then it just goes, woo! You're the leader of the scarf and you have to fucking stick with it. I don't think I'm good at being a leader, though.

It's so important. I think I'd rather be the ring bear at my own wedding. I mean, like I'll hire a standing and I'll just do the dance. Ellie will want you to be that as well. what, be in charge?

Yeah. Man up. She'll wanting to be like, oh, no, that's fucking, because I did, and it's trying to like the. Honestly, pussies will be a quiver

if you're like, right, you bunch of gobs shites, this is how we, I'd love to see it, Harry. Fucking, she takes charge or not,

she's, like, ripped. She got to take charge of your family, though? Uh, she, I think she does more than me, like,

I think I just say, I, we talked about, because I just say yes to everything, and then I end up doing the rounds of all the houses, and I normally, calendar's booked up where he'll just go now.

So like, or like me dad will be in the house and she'll like, time to fuck off. Stuff like that, you know what I mean? Oh, Clive's come around with another dehumidifier. She'll go, I'm going to bed. What time does Clive come around with her? Is she waiting for him?

Slime's this? He brought, like, an industrial dehumidifier. Fives from one in the morning. Clive's coming out with a demon. I was telling Carl this, because whilst I was in Tanzania, I think Clive brought around an industrial,

oh no, just before, Clyde brought around an industrial dehumidifier because the room was wet. Say what you said to me. So I, my dad called me up, I was like, you need to set up that dehumidifier. So I set it up and I couldn't get the big back thing. No, the first thing.

So I couldn't get the back thing to work. So I basically put it in, it turns out I'd put it in sideways and then wedged a step into it. So it was wearing, but it wasn't actually soaking up any water. It was just going all in. the underline.

He's putting the water onto the floor. And then, and then we went to Tanzania, and then, and then about a week or two after Tanzania. He said he forgot to go in the room. I just didn't go into that room

for two weeks. Yeah, it turns out of being on for ages. Is there a room in your house where you forget to go on it for two weeks? You do if it's wet, like. No one normally has a wet room unless it's a shower. It's dry as fuck now.

Has it worked? Yeah. Clives. The kitchen. Searons come through because the floor, soft and wet. But you've got a £4,000 bill for me on, but... He's taught all of the liquid out of the walls and put it to the floor. Well better.

He's not dry in the room. He's basically consolidated alone into one easy, fixable floor. The wallpaper's cracked and the carpet's squidgy. Well, we're getting carpet, but I assume the carbman's going to come and be like, this is, you've fucked it. We also, we've just bought, um, I just bought wardrobes because my railing snapped. I was off for about two weeks.

My clothes were all on the floor. And I went to Ellie just buy wardrobes. I'd get it sorted. And she spent like two hours on IKEA making packs wardrobes, made seven, 800 pounds worth of wardrobes. And we were about to order it. And I went, oh, where do the doors go? And she goes, oh, no, it's doorless.

We've got doorless wardrobes. And I went, no, no, like the door to the room. Oh. And she'd just built it as if we'd go in, build it, and then just live there forever. Also, she's done with I did in school and I used to make Foti Butter couldn't afford. Yeah, she's...

She's done it with IKEA wardrobes. Yeah, we would have just like, I don't know, just starve to death. But with wardrobes. Well, good luck with your wedding. Time's in and Harry. Let's have a break. And we're on, and Joel Domitia, ladies and gentlemen.

And we've accidentally done this. This is just a total accident. But in the first half of today's episode, we were talking to Dan about this little, this little experiment he's got going on in his face. And we're trying to sort of take the piss of it, that he's a beard dying man. And we've done it on the wrong day because we've got a fellow Joel Diamond. Joel Diamond, that is what I'm talking about.

I love dying my beard, man. Don't you, any time you feel like they're taking the piss out of you. No, we like it. Oh, yeah? When he did it the first time, I was like, this is a joke. And I went, you look great. No, we like how it looks, but we don't respect it, do we? That's the one.

You're a fantastic. I can't believe that you guys don't. You've got such a dense. Look how dense it is. You guys look incredible. That is fascinating. I'm with a hairy chest on. I think it's all there.

Yeah, you have. I think all my hair just goes there. I'm fine. Mine goes such a weird color. What color is it when it's not dyed? Is it gray? But isn't that cool? I don't know.

You know what happens to people would go gray on television. George. He was going. He was cool. He had a great little sweep, didn't they? Well, I think the problem is, the go-to reference point for that for years was Schofield. And now that's problematic. He's done so much damage to the grey-beard community. And Bruce Forsyth, of course.

Lubricant. Well, thank you for building that bridge. You didn't have to do that, and I really appreciate it. It's a pleasure. How do you apply? Right. Oh, my God. Come on.

Can I... If anyone's just tuned in, this is, have a word. Because I think I've, straight off the back, I've been a genius and I'm wondering if you've already

independently worked this out. So how do you apply? Right, mate, this is so great. I'm actually genuinely to be waiting to have the chat like this with another human being for a really long time.

If you say what I think I'm going to say, oh, my gosh, right, so I've been through various different iterations of it. I had this one that I got from America. It's like well expensive because they're,

Because then there was like the, what's the classic one? Just for men. Right? Got that. And it's so, it's so insanely toxic that it makes me like rash and all that stuff. So I got this one from America that doesn't have paraben in it. Come on. This is kind of chat you want from me, right?

Yeah, yeah. And then I found another one, a hair one, actually, that now I use the hair one on the side of my hair. So then I was like, well, I started to use it on the beard. Just crept down. It's Schwarzcloth one. It's called Nero, I think, and it's basically one that's like not toxic. But the colour's really hard to work out

because this is what makes me feel really excited. Right, when you buy it, it goes, are you from a salon? And I go, fucking yes, and I tick it as if I am. And I feel so edgy because I'm not salon. Do you think it's going to keep coming down because you start at the air, you down it?

Do you think it's going to? Yeah, it's spreading. It's spreading. Have you got a lot of chest hair and stuff? A lot of chest hair, but not yet. It's starting to go a little bit grey around the nip nips. And I've started, I had a few in my eyebrows, and I feel that's the beginning of the end.

Well, you never lose your nipple hair, do you? Is that true? Yeah, the hair never falls off your nipples unless you cut it. So unless you cut your nipple air, the reason they're going grey first is they're your oldest pubs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. When did you get your first nipple air?

What? At birth? When did you get it? If your baby's born with hair any nipples. Yeah, put it in the bids. Put it back in. Schwarzkopf can do so much. I thought you were going to say, so I've got a toothbrush.

Wow, flex. Flex, man. I've got a few. Crucially, I've got more than one because I... So, you know, when you go away, gigging, so regularly, I buy so many toothbrushes because you're like, fuck, I've forgotten again today. Never get them the wrong way around, by the way, because you'll end up with a minty face and ash blonde teeth.

But I use the toothbrush to actually put it on, because it feels a bit stengy. I'm not on the die on my fingers. So I toothbrush my beard. Wait, you just meant to put it on with your fingers? Oh, you get like a mitt like that? You get little gloves. A little brush.

Yeah, you get little gloves. And again, you know, it's not very often I feel edgy. Feel edgy when I click that little box when I say I'm from a salon. I also feel edgy when I dye my beard, I don't fucking use gloves. Oh. The Edgemaster is here. I've got young guys watching this. You've got to be an example to him.

Don't the Bachelianand's like Richard Keyes. Pardon? Wouldn't the Bacchiananser? Like Richard Keyes' hands at that point? No, it doesn't even go on. It's fine. It's absolutely great. It feels weird that you'd use gloves, I think.

Have you got a hairy back, Joel? Don't have a hairy back. I have sort of a stray hair every now and again on the old shoulders. But I can get that out. I've got a bit of an issue going on at a minute with me back. me back here. So a few years ago, my back here has always been a bit of an issue in that it's always been there and it's been a bit patchy, like it grows in certain bits and not the rest of it. To the point where a few years ago I was going on a first or second date and at the time

I was living in Carl's mum's house. I was there too. Wow, I was there too. And Carl shaved my back before the date for me. In the shower. What a friend. He wasn't in the shower. Hang on. We climbed into the bath. Okay. And we were clothed. We were clothed.

You're in the bath together because obviously, you want to share water. There's an energy crisis. Yeah, and the shit, shaved us back. Yeah.

He did a lovely job. And then a few years later, not the same girl, she'd long gone. I was with another one. And she... Because she wouldn't shave your back. Yeah.

And she, like, the girl I was with, like, I love you the way you are, but for you. your birthday, got you this. She got me laser hair removal for me back. Oh yeah.

I think it was 16 sessions I got booked in for. It was like an hour a week for 16 weeks. But about seven weeks into that happening, we broke up. And I couldn't. There's a couple of things. I didn't feel right, because I broke up with her. I didn't feel right being like, hey, can I still have me late? Can I still have those vouchers for, because she's already paid for her.

Also, she regularly used the same laser woman for her. pussy and stuff and so I was like she can probably use the vouchers she's paying for it's not fair and I also didn't feel like I could go back to that

woman Use these on your pussy I know you hate me but I don't want you hate me with a big hairy butt people so I just thought

you know what let it go and now me back did the seven weeks work did anything I think so yeah well they did yet

because now it's back, but it's even more patchy than it's ever been. I love the idea of you guys going in together and you coming out with a Brazilian down your back. Just one straight line from the top of your neck. She just goes from left to right. It's a 16-week course. I've only done the left side.

The 16 weeks, do they do it in sections or do the whole back? Because I'm imagining it go down your back, like the old internet buffering. Just slowly... son Adam's back. It's, it's, it's, I imagine what it's like getting tattooed, man, I don't know whether you've got tattoos,

but people get like addicted to the pain, don't they, they quite like how it feels. That's what it was like on my back because it felt like someone was like, um, elastic band than me, like on me back and like, it, it's air, but like in a good way. And is it lasted, so is it still good? And then we can have a look if you want. Oh, man, yes, please.

Go on. Tab tab. Go on. You can keep your top on. Take it off. Take it off. I've also had it. Here we're going to see.

Oh my God, this is good. Oh, that's not. Oh, you're fine. Yeah, you're fine. That looks great. Should we check mine as well? Are you still off like Panji? Oh, Dan wants to take his top off.

Come on, Dan. No, I don't want to because I've seen Joel with his top off about 10 years ago and it turned me on. It was a long time we go. That was before kids. Speaking of which, Joel. Yes. When I heard you were coming in,

I was a bit more excited than lots because I've got, you know, a little while ago, famously the internet saw your penis and balls. Of course, yeah. You've seen my balls. That's such a weird moment for me. Where literally I went through like a roller decks of all the balls I've seen in my life and thinking how.

So I'm a baby blue. Yes. Comedy clubs. So I was a bartender there. And you were not, this is 12. 13 years ago. And we were a proper laddie bunch of bar tenders.

Yeah. And you were still at the bar, just having a drink. You're like, what are you doing? And we're like, oh, we're like, oh, laddie. Like, we're like, yeah, we've got a WhatsApp group. And you were like, right. And we were like, yeah, it's awful. You shouldn't see it.

And you're like, well, it can't be that bad. I'm in a lad's WhatsApp group. And we were like, no, this is next level. And you're, right, go on. Let's have a look. So I opened my media on the thing. And you were just sweeping through. And you went, who's a they?

And I went, they're mine. you went, okay. That's fucking mental. So long ago. But I've text the lads today and gone, full circle, I get to now tell Joel that story. Isn't it mad that my life has become so insane

that I've forgotten that I've seen someone's bull. Do you know what I mean? Like, that should be a detail that I remember for the rest of my life. That's amazing. Does that feel like something you'd have done back then? Do you believe the story?

I do believe that story. Yeah, yeah. You stood up on the left by the bar and you were having a drink. You had a bit of waiting to go on and we were just being dickheads and you're, what are you used it? Oh, if someone goes, no,

this is a different WhatsApp group. You want to have a look at the media, don't you? Yeah. And it's like, that's, that gig, I used to love doing that gig. Like, that it was so, it was always spicy. It was insane.

It was always mad spicy. I used to come up, you used to always lose money on it, essentially because I'd come up, I'd do Thursday, Friday, Saturday. and then, you know, the petrol to get up there. I'd stay, to try and make money, I'd stay in that hotel across the road,

the F-1 hotel that was... Yeah, the Formula One. That's where people go to, like, gangbangs and stuff, you know? It was so bad. Infamously, like, the worst hotel in the city. It was so bad. It felt like I was in prison. I was like, this is...

The prison must be... You'd be in there, and then you'd see stuff of people in prison in the papers, like having PlayStation's, I was like, oh, I'm that. It was 26 pounds a night. Yes. Wasn't it?

That's why it was so cheap. In fact, so Jack, I hope he's found me telling this story and we'll ask him when he gets it. So our photographer Jack, who'll be here for the, like, the second half, he was on one of the, Jack's a bit of a shagga. Field it was. Yeah, he's on an app called Field. And Field is like a dating app's not the right.

It's a shag app, right? Really? But it's for kinks. so like you can go on and be like I like getting pissed on in the rain and they're like all right Princess Fiona there you go you can put whatever you want in

and there was a couple on it who were like we we need someone to come and cook me husband he's going to sit in the corner and watch me get well eat and Jack was just pissed and I'll have a fucking go with that and it was in that Formula 101 10 yeah that's where people go for that sort of shit

like if you find years ago if there's a couple of fans each on the night out like where can we go they book into the F-1. It's so funny to think of all of these kinks and weird stuff and like people pissing on each other and then just like comedians. The middle spot.

Just like it died on their ass. It's just been shown balls by a bartender. Did you like that gig gone? Did you like? I used to love it man. Because it was really infamously disliked. Well, it was like tough and that's why I liked it. I think it was like it would always be interesting.

And kind of, And also, like, if you had a fun gig, if you could win them around, you would just have a lovely time. And then you'd come and rega and I sort of won that. Like, it felt like a battle. And because it was three days, you kind of like felt, you always felt like you went back down to London, feeling like a better comic.

And that was what's really funny about hearing people talk about Baby Blue is I now fully accept what that gig was. And this is how sort of deluded I was early on as a comic. every time I played Baby Blue, I just fucking ripped it because it was full of like Scousers. It was the scousest gig. Even hot water and like slaughterhouse and stuff

often had like people from out of town who'd come to them. And there'd be a few of them at Baby Blue but it was so scouse and it was so like the gangster and his new like misses on the like first second date like getting a bottle of champagne. So as a like 20 year old cocky scouser

going on and doing scouse stuff, I just used to blitz it. Yeah. And every time I did it, I'd be in the middle. And I got really frustrated with the bookers of Baby Blue for a while. Because I'd go on in the middle and, like, destroy it to the point I'm walking off and people are going, I'm more! And I'm like, I'm fucking encore there.

And the headliner had gone, I need you a bag of shit. And I was just like, I think I might be the best comedian in the world. And you just realized years later, I was just doing shit, hack, scow stuff that the audience were just like that fucking, fat cock-eyed kid was all right. And then great comics were going on and doing proper stuff. And the audience was just going, yeah, but you're not

from fucking round here, are you? Like, I got proper in the head about that gig for ages. Do you remember how much I used to be like, frustrated with it? Yeah. Because they'd just be like, yeah, you can come back and do another middle in a year. And I'd be like, fuck a Joe Donaldson once a month! He dies every time! And the worst place, attempt at

a dressing room in the history of comedy next to the door that everyone walks in. So it added to the high-risk nature of it because if you have a bad one, you have to sit there and do a meet and greet as people walk out and go, shite. Just to make it even more tense.

I'll tell you a story that this made me, I did a gig, it was so bad. And I, it was, when I just had my kid, so I was really tired. So I had a little nap in my car before I drove home. And I was working up by an audience member knocking on the window. When I work up,

She went, oh, thank God, we thought you'd had such a bad gig that you killed yourself. Oh, my. It's a genuine true story. Isn't that so funny, the stuff that we go through? Oh, so silly. It's also so funny that, like, it could have been so bad that you haven't even, like, drove into a wall or off a bridge. You've just reclined your front seat. Wow.

Old school. Gone for the hose pipe. Oh, funny. Oh, no. You don't know. I'll shake you that. Oh, thank God. Okay.

Well, you're out the game for a while then doing all the TV. Did you kind of take a step back from standards? Not really. I kind of never stopped, really. I like really, I like just always, I've always loved it so much. It's always just been a part of what I do. And if I, if I, if I, it's so hard with like TV and other stuff like that because sometimes stuff goes well and sometimes stuff gets canceled or and you never really know

whether people actually like you or don't like you and you're like, what am I doing here? It always makes you, by its nature, feel quite anxious. And then I'll go do a gig and I'm like, oh, this is what I love. And it just makes me feel like a piece.

And not necessarily even a tour show, just doing new at like, you know, like a tiny little pub in Kingston next to my house or something. It just makes me feel happy. It makes me feel like I'm good at something. That's what it is as well. And a lot of people don't like show of admitting that because like it's seen as like hubris or arrogance or whatever else you want to

call it. But you can't underrate how good it feels to know you're good at something. And especially, especially when it's not a tour show and especially when you go on in front of a room full of people who, I mean, at the stage you're at now with the amount of TV that you're doing and they're big prime time shows, the chances are a good chunk of the audience, at least have an idea of you in some way. But they're still not necessarily Joel Domit fans who will buy tickets to Joel Domit's tour. And when you go on to those people and you need, there is still just an undeniable feeling of,

I'm fucking sick at this. And I've always been dead good at it. And it doesn't matter if like I get a hate tweet about this. And I feel like that all the time. Like you can get this, this, this. You can have people going, I think he's shite. It's like, yeah, but put me in a room with 100 people who don't know who I am. I think I'll come out feeling quite good about myself.

It feels quite nice for me because people don't expect, like I literally will have, we'll do. you know it's that weird thing where you'll you'll have a fun gig where you try new stuff or do whatever and then someone will come up to me after me like you should do stand-up and I'm like I just did I just did I don't know what you think I just did I just literally did that but it's great like it's so I love it now it feels like a really complete industry stand-up now because I love that you guys are able to like navigate and fucking sell arenas and you're there's a side now for everyone It feels like everyone's got given this amazing opportunity.

And if you're fucking great and you're really great at it and you put in that graft, there's a place for you there. And there's a place for me in this weird shiny floor element of the world, which does that stuff. And there's a place for you guys. And it just, it feels so excited. And also the weird thing now is it's flipped now because like, it's hard for me to sell a ticket because it's like, like,

it's sort of the opposite. to you guys, right? I'm on telly all the time and yet I don't sell tickets, really. Like, I'll sell people across the country. But compared to you guys, I'm sure it's just completely different. Whereas it's like now people find your podcast

and they find you and they feel like, fuck, I've found my people. Well, I think we're podcasting that they obviously, like I know for a fact, a large part of our listeners feel like they know us and they feel fully invested in our careers and they want to see us do well. And like, it is obviously a lot harder

to have that relationship. with a TV present, like for what people will perceive as a TV presenter, but also the flip side of that is that you get to do stand-up to people who maybe are just like, oh, we're going to see Joel, he presents those things, and then you get to blow them away by being great to stand-up. And one of my favourite things I remember watching was when the chase first took off and watching Paul Sinner do stand-up to people who were just coming because they'd seen him on the chase. because Paul Sinner, like the Sinner, the Asian chaser who wears the white suit on the chase,

he is, stand-up is pretty brutal. It's clubby. It's very clubby. It's punch, punch, punch, punch. A lot of it is sort of about, is racial background, his parents emigrating here. There's a lot of bumming jokes as well. And there's a lot of bumming jokes. Oh, he loves a pull back and reveal with a bumming joke.

And he's very good at them. Watching a daytime ITV, 5 o'clock crowd, it were often in their late 50s to early 80s. So true. We're going to see the critic guy. And then he does seven pullback and reveal bumming jokes in a row. And on the first and second one, you can see them going, Jesus Christ, I'm not sure about this.

And on the seventh one, they're like, we're a big bumming crowd now. Yeah. Yeah. It's like he's a perfect example because it's like he is so, fucking, he is so good at comedy, man. When you watch him do it, and it's such a mad difference from who he is on telly. Yeah. It's, it's so what, but I like, I like, love it.

I love that, that thing of, um, feeling like, I'm often people's first gig. Like they'll go, I have a lot of people coming up to me going like, this is my first stand-up show. And so I feel like a weird, I'm not saying I'm the, I'm the, I'm great or anything, but I just feel like, I feel a duty to like make it a good show that's like got like all those elements that you would want in sort of a full,

because you could sort of phone it in and just do a few stories about telly and then just end it and go good night. But I just, I like, just really love sort of feeling like I've got a duty to teach them how fun stand-up can be, you know? Yeah, and also the fact that you love it

and you literally came through through the clubs, you're always going to feel like that, absolutely. Yeah, it's mad, isn't it? It's like that variety of gigs we all did when we were younger. It's just like, it's still a part of me now. I feel like, you know, when I'm doing, you know, I'll do like weird, even now, weird fucking gigs, but in entirely different, in different elements.

And now you'll do weird corporate gigs. And so they're sticky, but in an entirely different way. And that same way that Baby Blue was sticky, that was sticky for that reason. You're still using your weird comedy sat nav to try and get through the, what do they want, what are we doing? But now I'm now using that in front of like a room of a thousand fucking bankers. You get a hotel paid for for that one though, right? They definitely get a hotel.

There's no S-4 hotel. I love, I think they, those gigs made me laugh so much. I just think they're so funny. I think a lot of comics would be like, I don't like it. I just think that's, like, if you can really laugh at that sort of death, they're so fun. Yeah, yeah. It's like, you know, I did the, I do like the, like, the, like, I, I, like, I, I do this as a bit, but I do like the National Television Awards on telly,

which is great, actually, because actually it means people watch out on telly and go, like, let's get him further, bloody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Last week I did, like, the Pipeline Guild Industries, 50 cents on annual dinner. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'll stand and talk to... I think Richard Pryor used to do that.

Yeah. He was a guildsman. It's so ridiculous. Famously. And you just talk for, like, 20 minutes about me, like, I can't, I can't, there's a rum full of people who just fucking love pipes. That is the thing that blows my mind and I really struggle with corporates more than anything, you know. So it's watching.

And I think everyone's guilty of this to a degree, including and especially people who are performers and comics in particular. But watching people accept the awards they get at corporates and they talk about their industry like the, like, the world economy would collapse. If Brian wasn't security guard. Like if Brian ever took a nap, like the world would come to a halt. Like I find it so, like I have to look away sometimes

because I've got a very, I really struggle to control me expressions. So when I'm watching, like I've, there's one picture, I'll try, if I can find this picture, I'll put it, you can put it in here.

There's a picture from, and it was only last year and that's why it's still into my head there's a picture of me and obviously you present the award and then I normally like if the lecten that they're sort of talking at to yeah yeah yeah yeah right

so I'll go sort of backstage left and just watch them accept their award and I was watching this fella and I'll give away with industries if I tell you what exactly it was but he was just he went on for ages as well he went on for about 20 minutes literally talking about the most inane, not important thing.

Like, maybe it is that important, but I just couldn't fathom that way I was. And in the photograph that I'm tagged in, I'm literally just going, like, you can read on my face that I'm just going, just fucking shut up, kids, just get on. The funniest thing is when you have to read that stuff, you know, sometimes they put it in the order queue,

and then it's as if you are going, like, this nominee has won the award, this year because of da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da and you're just reeling off this. And I'm like, these are words I don't even fucking. It's so bizarre. I had one recently where I said to them at the start of the interval. This might be boring. But I said to them before, I said, if there's any complicated names in the or two, like, just phoneticize it, you know, just so it's easier to read.

I don't really tend to read much of the script before. Like, kind of like, I quite like, I just love autotue so much that it's just. like it's fun. And then I went up to do the awards. And, uh, you're one of those ones where you're, once you're up,

you're up for the whole time. And, uh, once I got up and started reading the script, they had phoneticize everything. And genuinely, when I say everything, I mean,

fucking everything. Um, it was like bankers. It was all that sort of thing. They had phoneticize. I'm genuinely not joking. They'd feneticize. exercise HSBC.

So instead of it being HSBC, they'd spell it AITC-H-D-S-S-Dash. So you did a whole awards evening reading like a five-year-old. Oh, yeah, I was like, it was so much harder. And then by the time I'd get to the end of the word,

I'd be like, oh, HSBC. He was so bonkers, man. It was like, and I was there. I couldn't change it so I was there for the whole night. It's so ridiculous. I just think that's so funny, man. I think it's so funny.

I want to fire over to Finn for the question. Yeah. From what we mentioned earlier. So Finn, Finn's a huge fan of the mass singer. Like, thanks, Finn. No worries.

A huge fan of it. I knew you were the only fan because when I did the take it off, take it off, take it off, the T-shirt. You got a lot. I got a worry. I noticed you.

I noticed you. I wanted to know because there's a few things I love about that. One, I love the guesses that come up, like, there can be a person on. They're like, well, it's either Jay-Z or Les Dennis. We don't know which one it is. Okay, so can I just admit something?

Yeah. I don't watch any telly. That's wild. So I haven't watched a full episode. I've seen a lot of the clips, never watched the full episode of it. But I know that this is a thing that, like, people guess JZ or Les Dennis.

How do these guesses get brought up? Like, what happens for people to the juice? The people sing, the person in the mass sings, and then the panel discuss who they think it is, and they all come up with a guest. There's a VT before. Yeah, which kind of gives you, if you're walking through a garden,

maybe, I don't know, Alan Titchmarsh or sort of. The best, the best one, but there's no one ever being my clow in. My flow, unbelievable. Mike, D too, my absolute favorite. But I knew it from word one of the VT. No, he can't disguise that boring voice. And also, you know why this is my favorite?

Also, because I was a Liverpool fan back in the 90s that I never like, I'm not really into football now, but back in the night, Liverpool was my thing. Like, I loved it. Like,

so I had, like, Michael Owen on my wall and Jamie Rednapp and all these people, right? And so did Paul Sliner. But I, Michael is my favorite personal show ever.

Firstly, because you don't expect him to do it. So he's like, with singers, you go like, okay, cool, what? You expect him to do it.

You don't expect him to do it. And secondly, he's the only person we've ever had in the show. He was dressed of donuts. So he's this character donuts. So he's like a pile of donuts with eyes. And he's the only first of a show where every week he would go through because the costume was so lovable.

And the kids loved it. So they kept on voting him through. And every time I would say his name said donuts and he'd go through the next round, you could tell, even though he was in a massive costume, he was fucking livid. He was livid. So like, there was this pile of donuts like this and go through it to the next week. Don't us.

And then this whole costume just go. And it'd be back next week because they can spice up your life. Like it's so stupid. My kids fucking love it. It's so popular. It's one of the most high,

in terms of TV that they have on, you know, like, there's some stuff that you're like, yeah, stick blueie on. It's fine. The mass singer is really, there's a lot. There's a lot.

going on. And the excitement they have, I think I watched one where it was Tony Robinson. Yeah. Who got, and they were like, ah! You have no fucking clear who that is.

Like you get the Blackadder reference. Yeah. They love it. It's like, it's, I don't know, it means, it means so much to me now in a different way.

Like before I was like, this is a job, this is great. I love it. I love being involved. It feels really fun. Now I've got two and a half year old and I hear stories like that.

Like, genuinely that, means, I know it's, genuinely does mean a lot to me, and it never really used to mean something to me. Now, the fact that I mean something to me that families are sitting down together and like,

enjoying something in a completely different way, exactly as they're doing my two and a half year old, he started watching it, and I'm like, this is so fucking cool, I can sit down and watch it with him. And then I go, and I know Joe,

and they're like, do you fuck that. Fuck off. Alfie Blown's joke, what I'm a singer, might be one of the best jokes I've ever heard. Yeah, and the callback in it is just,

Absolutely fucking spectacular. Yeah. I, what I was going to say before, I have such a, as a big Liverpool fan, I have such a bias and negative view of Michael Owen that I think I'd have got it

in week one, but that's just because in my head, every song is him going, I won the ball on door when I was in 19. Who's this? It then took it down a weird path, I was like, oh no, it's Michael Owen.

I thought maybe the next person dressed as, full tower. I was like, it's got to be Steve McMahon, hasn't it? Come on. So you don't, you don't know? That was, that was going to be my question. So you don't know until they take it off? No. Do you get it in your ear then? Because what happens if

they take it off and you have no idea who it is? So this has happened. Obviously. I've talked to Valis Lobber. It's, um, I, on the first series, there was there was this guy. I don't really know a huge amount about politics. And so they've always like,

Oh my God, take it up, take it up, take it off. And they're going, my ears. Like, Alan Johnson, I go, oh, my God, it's Alan. The fuck is this guy. And he looked like a friend of my dad, so I was like, I can't be Nigel. But it's, it's so, it's so, I think that's what's fun about it. It works on every level, like, like, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. Like, if you don't know, there's someone for some, for everyone. one, they'll be like Lorraine Kelly, where everyone's like, oh my God, I know Lorraine Kelly. If you don't know Lorraine Kelly, they'll have, you'll have Michael Owen, you know. And it's just, it's stupid. Who's the biggest shock ever?

Is it Michael Owen? I think Michael Owen, again, the other one, this was what my son, we were watching this last week. We went back, because we'd watched all the episodes. He was like, we watched more episodes. And it was grandfather clock, and he was obsessed with grandfather clock. He was like, grandfather clock, grandfather clock. And we did the take it off.

And he's like, take it off, take it off, take it off. And I go, oh, it's Glenn Hoddle. And while my son, two and a half, goes, I knew that. You didn't know that. I barely knew that. There's been some, there's been some proper, like, pop stars as well, though. Yeah.

Like, Seylow Green was on it. Yeah, Dionne Warwick we had. Yeah. We had Dionne Warwick, like... My cousin's name is. Josh Stone. John. She was unbelievable.

Loole. Does that look out as being a bit of it? bit of a ringer if you were already like a pop star yeah a little bit i tell you who was really good was manfred manford disguised his voice like every week he was doing a different like genre yeah he's a great singer yeah and he like probably got into it and it's like and it's like and those are the people who do really well the ones to really get into it and like really go for it in their costumes and like it's all just it's so ridiculous i think it was a good sort of antidote almost to like the x-factor thing that'd been going for so long and it was like a singing

show that was so serious and it would have the serious montage of music and it was like you know and then this is just like yeah it's the antithesis of that isn't it ridiculous I'm trying to do me non-prouds and donuts mate it'd be amazing if they did a sad Glenn Hoddle backstory

to like set the tone like I'm not playing football anymore and the England job no more bowling like once Rita Orra guest Muhammad Ali that's how stupid this was but you're close Rita It's so stupid. And we all go, and we all go,

ooh, good be. Could be. Or is it Alex Jones from the one shot? If you could pick one person in the world, they have to be alive that you could just put into the next season right now. You could pick them. But producers come to you and go, we can get you down.

You've got the budget. Nestle is sponsoring it this year. We've got the Mars money. Who are you picking? Well, that's a great question. That is a great. question. Who would you put in? Who would I put in? That would

be funny or that I just want to see do it? Like for the, knowing the show like you do, like for the combination of that they'll be not a bad singer, maybe, and the, like the amount it would blow people's minds when this octopus

with 10 tits takes its thing off. And they're like, oh my God, the octopus with 10 tits is Denzel Washington. Like, who... It's a good one. It's a good one. It's a good one. It's got to be graeme sooners. It's got to be.

It's got to be Graeme Sooners. Yeah. Terry Venables. That's what we want. I've got more football references that I thought I would have had. I don't know where I'm coming from, boys.

Yeah, it's like... I think Jackie Chan's hard to beat. Oh, my God. Yeah. I would love that. I would love it. It's like, it's fun having these old, older.

We had this mad, um, a couple of years ago we had Richie Sambora, who's the guitarist of Bon Jovi, right? Ridiculous, right? Ridiculous. And he, he apparently couldn't, he would never stick, get the song right?

Because he just couldn't remember it, right? And apparently what they do is they rehearse, they rehearse the song, and then they also do the song on the telly, and then they do a mixture of the words from the rehearsal and the thing. I think that's okay to say. And so they would get him to read, read it sort of in rehearsal, so to get it right. And he just, he would just come on and be like, oh, baby, me, but,

but, yeah, it was so. And it was like maybe a week later after we finished recording, we were at the Brit Awards and we were on the red carpet. And because he was in London, he was at the Brit Awards. And no one knew that it was him or he was out. And there was this weird moment on the Brit Awards red carpet where I saw Richie's on And he was like, hey, man, how's it going, Joel? Good to see you, buddy.

And we were like, yeah, we were like talking, you're like, talking, how the fuck is Joel Domit and the worst of San Borla? It's so stupid, man. But I feel like real, yeah, I feel really privileged to have got a, that is such a weird thing where, um, you know, you start off in baby blue and do all that weird stuff. And then I got that show, which I just sort of, It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, do it.

I didn't really, I watched the American version. I was like, this is mental. Sort of felt like it wasn't going to go anywhere. You expected to sort of, you go for it. Maybe you'll learn something. And then we're on season eight now, and it's like, it's just like, it's so silly, man. I just genuinely love it.

And I feel like the team is really great. And we all enjoy working on it because you've got the producers who love, love keeping the secrets. And then you've got the costume department of fucking insane. They get their wildest dreams. to come through and be on a stage and, you know, it's just all

mad. I love it. I love Impractical Jokers. I've never watched the US one. I've only ever watched your one. So I said to my wife yesterday, oh, Joel Domitin to my friends. Oh, from Impractical Jokers. I went, I think he's done a bit more since. But yeah, and I love that.

Did it only do once? It did two in the end. Was it you, Paul McCaffrey, Rochene. Maripar. Yeah. It was so mad. Again, I didn't really realise how bigger was. until it sort of, until now really, I look back and I'm like, oh, that was like a moment.

It felt on BBC Free. And then BBC Free went sort of folded and that was why it sort of stopped really. But like then even at Ant and Deck have, you know, I've obviously worked with them since. And they used to love that show. They were like, we love your impractical Joker's show. It's really, really fun.

It's really great. And then they sort of took that element of it and put it into their Saturday Night Takeaway and made it brilliant. But it's actually good. I've got this new show on ITV that's just come out last week on Saturday. It's called Celebrity Sabotage. And it's me and Judy Love doing it.

And it's got elements of impractical jokes in it. And I think it's, we had a real laugh doing it. Really fun. It was so silly and British as well. I've never watched the American one, but I've seen bits of it. Yeah. I know the British song was very British and silly. It was.

And it was also, so at the time, I lived in Chester with Danny McLaughlin and Paul McCaffrey would come and stay up. with us quite a lot if he was doing club gigs up here. And that was my first experience of being with someone who wasn't like famous, famous. Like, you know, Peter Kay

and Mickey Flanning and Lee Evans and like that level. Just someone who was still playing clubs. But we would walk through Chester to get a pint and he'd get stopped for pitches 10 times because it was, and that was the people watching it as well

because it was on BBC 3. And then recently, so I don't know how much you know about what we do with our patron and stuff, but we do a monthly pageant Patreon special where we, you know, we've been to Amsterdam, we've been to Nashville, we've like vlog them and made them episodes. We've also done drunk episodes in the year and Dungeons and Dragons and it can be anything. It's just an extra bonus. You'll have heard of the

farming special. Yeah. We've climbed Kilimanjara and rode around India and that. Oh yeah. And recently, do you remember the show that was on BBC one called Hustle? Yeah. So we did a parody of that where me and Carl were one team and the other three lads, Harry, Finn, and Dan were another team. We were putting Chester and it was who can make the most money in six hours. And the forfeit for that

was impractical jokersy. So Dan, Finn refused to do it and had to get a tattoo on his ass. But Dan and Harry had to stand in the street with a clipboard asking the public questions but me and Carl were in their ear. Amazing.

And it's been one of the most popular things our listeners have ever seen us do and there's about a thousand comments going they just need to take over and do impractical jokers again. they just need to do that own version of that. I really think there's a place for it again. And, you know, I just feel like there is that, well, you know,

we're all talking about at the moment, comedy is shifting. And then it's all sort of coming back around again. And it always feels like Saturday Night Live did really well, which is so fucking cool. And you got laugh out loud on telly. And it feels like there's, it feels interested in fizzy again, you know. It feels like it did 15 years ago.

Yeah, yeah. Where I feel like, you know, like there was a really great place for like you guys going on, going out into the, the street and doing that and then like the people would fucking love it they would love it we used to go that this is the mad thing with impractical jokers we it had to be filmed uh you know there's like rules and regulations of where they have to feel like regions that they have to film stuff so they can't film everything in london so we had to film it in scotland mostly and um because of the

regionality rules and stuff and so you know me paul roshina maryk you well you're consider very English people, apart from obviously, Rocheon's Irish, the very English people in Scotland, pranking people. It did not go well. It did not go well. And it's BBC free. There's no security. There's no budget for that shit. So it's like, there were so many really dicey moments just being in like, I remember going to like the cinema, like just in Glasgow. We're in Glasgow, right? I've been in a cinema and in a day.

So you get like, these people go to the cinema in the day who just want to be alone. And then you've got me in the foyer and I had Roshine in my ear just like, knock the popcorn out of his hand. I was like, not the popcorn out of his guy's hand. And he's just like, what the fuck are you doing? And he's just like, go to me.

And I'm like, I don't know what to do. We're making content. Yeah. We're like, pee me safe. I'm like, leave me safe. I remember watching and thinking, oh, is it all comfortable, but I felt like you were like, fuck, this is hard. Right.

I remember watching it going, he thinks this is. Do you have a high, low tolerance of cringe? Because, like, these two, it's unbelievable. They don't even blink. I'm pretty bad for it. Harry's at, like, a normal level. Finn shuts down. Like, he goes into this, like, cringe-based coma where he's like,

I just can't do it. I can tell you that I absolutely loved the UK. Impractical Jokers and Joel was Finn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the one that stands out to me, and I don't know whether you've ever gone back and watched it yourself. No.

But the one that stands out to me and the one I remember you being the biggest shit house in the world, and Paul McCaffrey nailing it was a Chinese buffet. Oh, I remember that. And it had to be, they had the tongs,

but you had to go and take the food off all the people's plates. So good. And Paul McCaffrey's just, He went dead silent, said nothing, was just going over, taking it off people, and they'd be going, mate, what are you doing? And he just stared at them silently

and then walk off and get off someone else. And Joel goes up to someone and goes, and they go, what are you doing? That's my plate. And he goes, yeah, no, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And that was the end of his goal. What person went, what are you doing?

And he went, oh, yeah, no, sorry, that's yours, isn't it? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's probably because I'd just come from the fucking cinema where I've been hit in a face, like, I got a popcorn. Norwegian Chinese buffet is a dangerous place. Yeah. But I know, I understand that they're like, you could go, well, they don't know you and they're never going to see you again.

It doesn't matter in the moment. My heart would go every time. It was petrified. I feed on that feeling. Yeah. It makes me feel a lot. I don't know what's with him. I love the cringe.

I don't know what it is. See, I don't love the cringe. I just genuinely, and this is the giviest romantic thing I'll ever say about the friendship, I don't care about the cringe as much as I can. about making him laugh. Yeah. So if I can do something that I know will make him laugh,

it doesn't matter what this person I'll never see again thinks. Although it does in the moment, like the idea of him losing his mind laughing because I've done this thing and being able to look back on it, it just trumps it. So I'll just do anything

and it just doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. As long as you're not hurting people. Well, exactly. I'm being offensive. Exactly. Can I just say, when we do this,

you've got to be in his ear and he's got to be in your ear because if you're two released, we're going to be like, Oh, do something, you'd be like, yeah, that's the piece of piss. Like, that's too simple. Take a bit of food off his plate. No, no worries.

You need your level of evil in his ear to make it high stakes. A girl approached me in the street today who works for one of these like Instagram companies where I was like, they go around and they ask someone to do something, they win a prize. A girl approached me and Steve and he went, do you want to win a free iPad? And I was like, yeah? And you got three challenges. I was like, okay. She went, you've got to get five high fives off people.

What did you say to a car? Cool line that needs to. to live forever on the internet. I do this for a living. You didn't. I think that was off camera. So I went round. I think I got like eight out.

I was like whatever. And she went, okay. Next one, you've got to bark at someone. So I was like, okay. She's been barking in some lad's face. I was like, next.

And she went, now you've got to dance with someone. I was like, sounds. I just grabbed this lad, ballroom dance and she gave me an iPad. I was like, oh my God.

What's really funny is that she's just giving away an iPad and that's absolutely not what she wanted. She wanted the awkwardness of someone going like, I don't, I can't do it. If you were the first person to film with her, you're like, we only had one iPod.

That's the end of the real. I just can't just give me the iPad. Oh, that's so funny. Have a break. Let's have a break. Okay, so we're going to do some advice. This is an unusual one from Melissa Gardner Carway. Longtime listener, first time messaging.

I want you guys to pick my career. I've been a dog groomer for 13 years, and it's time to move on. I have absolutely no idea. Shag too many dogs? I have absolutely... I have absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grew up. I'm 32.

So throw any suggestions at me. What's the transferable skills there? Hairdresser, right? Hairdresser is a good one. Which will be a relief because a client shouldn't bite you at any point. Nail technician? Yeah. They clip nails too.

dealing with bitches. Whoa. Yes. Wow. So you could work in tele. You could be a specialist salon for women with shit hair who are violent.

And that's the name of the shop. Prison hairdresser? What? Prison hairdresser? Yeah? They've all got shit in. Usually violent. They've all got shit here.

Well, in prison, you don't get to look after your day very well, do you? So your hair goes to shit. Says who? Prisoners? No. You've not spoke to

enough female prisoners to make that generalisation. They're smuggling in L'Orielle. They're not able to die in their beards. They're not being able to die it and they're not allowed around because they just burn each other with it, wouldn't he? It's a good point actually

that you don't really think about a prison salon. You wouldn't be able to die your beard if you went to prison, so don't? Yeah. Would that be your primary concern with doing a 25 to life? No, we're being hats.

No! He's just worried about the beard. I genuinely want to know what happens with who's the hairdresser in prison. There's barbers and hairdressers, but you don't get to diet or use lovely shampoos in conditioners and lovely hair, like...

You can't have a knife in prison. It's like the airport. They give you the spork. You've got to do your hair with the spork. Yeah. You brush it air with a spurt. Is it like someone else who's in prison who's learned how to cut hair?

Yeah, basically a privileged job in prison is to be a barber slash hairdresser. But surely they can't give them scissors. What if they just snap on there? They chew them. They chew it. What do they do? Is it not just the like the canteen, then there's the little barbers?

Well, it's a privileged position to get the job and to have a job in prison is so important to some of these mental estate that they don't want to lose it by attacking someone so it doesn't happen. You are giving that job and you're like, fuck, I'm so lucky. Yeah, I won't stab anyone with these scissors.

So Melissa, you've just got to commit a crime and get put away for 25 years. And then, yeah. her dressing. Easy peasy. I can't think of anything else that's a transferable skill. How old did she say she is? She's 32. Nursery? Like looking after things and like chasing things out. Oh, I thought you might put her back into education. Maybe a vet. Maybe like take that's a serious job. You would get some serious money for being a vet. Yeah. You're used to being around animals. You know, you can like then it's sort of mixing the pharmaceutical industry with dogs. Or,

zoo groomer so move up the animals that's a great show do I mean not just dogs anymore let's get some chimpanzees

some pandas some giraffes some giraffes get the stepladders cut a giraffe's hair yeah yeah I think that's a great shout and then they're like

oh no it's her first day she cut the hall off the row you're not supposed to do that you've got too far I think that's great shot Michelle says hello boys I need some parenting advice my little lad won't stop

getting his willie out in nursery and running around with his pants off. Originally, he apparently did it to be funny, and to his credit, his dad found out and thought it was hilarious. But then he got sent home because he wouldn't put his pants back on, and it was upsetting some of the kids. Now he's realized that every time he gets his bits out and runs around, he gets to go home from nursery.

I've tried talking to him and taking his iPad off him, but he's relentless. As parenting experts, I need your advice. How do I get him to stop streaking in nursery and teach him that it's wrong. Well, as someone who famously... It wasn't loaded. I would you put you, Willie O'age-old? Damn. Oh, that was excellent.

Do you know the funny thing with that? With this, uh, this, uh, they made a documentary about this, the, the catfish that did all of that. that stuff right and it did this other people and they met this guy made a documentary about it because they did it to him and they they they he he came to me to interview me he came to like a tour show like knocked on the dorms like can I interview about this I was like all right cool interviewing me and he said uh this lady her name was Stacy something I can't remember said when when you started speaking to her by how long was it before you trusted her to be

able to have Skype sex. He said, I was talking to her for about sort of 18 months before finally I sort of felt like, you know, I was like, I'm ready to do this. He said, how long was it before you trusted her? And I spent 15 minutes. This guy was so broken. I really felt for him. There's a story I told on the podcast at least once, and I think it's about five, maybe six years ago that I told this. But I just want to stretching all of Ranch across on a very similar situation. Nothing came of mine, but there was a moment of panic, right? So I'd done, this is a long time ago, this is 10 years ago, right? I was living, it was when I was living in Chester again, and I'd gone to do like a uni gig and sort of

being with a girl afterwards and we kept in touch and stuff. And after a couple of weeks, like there was a, she sent a couple of like dirty videos and stuff and was asking for stuff back, but I was always a bit nervous about it. And then I sent the odd thing, but it was all on Snapchat and whatever. And then about a week later, I'm more comfortable with it. And she was messaging me, not sending me anything of her, but asking for more of me. And I was like, well, you know, you got to give me something if you want something. And she was like, yeah, no, I will, but I want your thing first.

And I was, there was something that made me just think this is, this stinks a little bit, but do you know what? I do actually want another video, so I'm just going to send one. And I was in my bedroom and I took a picture from like the good angle so that it looks bigger and it looks all shiny. Flash on, looks good.

Shiny. And I sent the picture of my dick and immediately she screenshotsed it and then blocked me on everything. And I was like, oh no. And then I was like, hang on. What the fuck? am I worried about?

It's just a picture of a dick. My face isn't in it, my body's not in it, my toes aren't even in it. Like, it's just my penis. Very shiny penis. Absolutely. No way to identify that that's me, so it's fine. And then I'd save the picture before the centre, so I just checked it just to make sure I was right.

And in the background on the mantelpiece in my bedroom was a picture of my dead mum. Oh my God, stop it. there's a girl in Aberystworth who to this day has got a picture of my cock and my mum's just in the background smiling

it's what she would have wanted that is unbelievable man that's my son's shiny dick but it's I thought mine was bad because I had a behind me, I had my first ever Edinburgh poster behind me.

So there was definitely, like, if anyone was like, remember that is really, I'm literally behind me. It's so awful, like stars and everything, made up quotes,

you know, like it used to be. It's so bad. It might as well be one of those early noughties, DVDs, but everyone had their name behind them. It's like,

yo! Like McIntyre's road show But the catfish version What would you do if Jack was running around with his knob out? Oh yeah I mean it does run around with his knob out all the time But like, you know, he's four So he's allowed to do that

Is that not? Is it? I mean, we've already questioned the nudity That's going on in my house Since we've talked about the level of nudity. I've... like it is teetering

towards the point now where Etta's getting old enough that that is happening. You were right. You called it like a few months ago. And I was like,

I don't know, it was a pretty naked household. But it is... She is like, and like, you have to knock before you go in because out of nowhere

she's like, private. And you're like, okay, right, so you have to respect that. Jack is so fucking far off. You're not naked when you're not,

he would go... She does shot on private. No, no, no. She's not fully dressed. like, private! Just in case dad's dicks out.

Sounds private all the time. Private, private, private. But Jack is just like, he happily poo bear the whole day like he doesn't give a fuck. And he's sort of like, do you want to take that away from him by going, that's a, that's naughty or that's rude?

Yeah, yeah. It can't be like 12. There has to be a cutoff, but I don't want it to be just yet. School? Well, he's at school. So he goes to school and comes home and gets us not both. So I do that as well.

I get to have to work. I haven't stopped. I've never got clothes on really. And he also. Yeah, why is he getting his pants off? I think it, I mean, it might just be like, going to the toilet and then be like, look, I'm halfway there. What am I going to do?

Put these trousers back on. Fuck that. But he's just, yeah, constantly. I think it's the fact that this kid knows it's making people laugh. And it knows he knows he's getting, sent home, he's like, this is a great magic trick. I don't want to be a nursery. Get the knob out. Hit home I go.

Every time he gets his knob out, send him to a worst nursery. Oh, yeah. Nice. Get another nursery like bad reviewed with it, clearly violent. Send them there. Bad reviews? Yeah? This nursery's violent. One star. He gets his knob out there, and he

gets worse, and he ends up, there's a barber and a women's prison. Slippery Slope kid. Liam says, Wag-wag lids, need to advise. I've been dating this girl for a few weeks, and it finally came time for me to meet her parents. We both live in London,

and they were having a family christening up in Northampton. She had travelled up, so I was driving up on my own, and I was stuck in traffic on the motorway, when some absolute cunt merged into my lane without indicating forcing me to slam on. We were next to each other, so I was hurling abuse at him, and he was calling me a wanker back.

I was calling him a fat, ugly cunt and all sorts. This went on for ages until the traffic let up. fast forward a few hours I arrive late to the christening party and my girlfriend introduces me to all of her family including her uncle who she's dead close with who happens to be the

massive wanker I met on the motorway coming back from a work trip we locked eyes and didn't let on but I could tell he hated me the whole party and I just know he's going to dob me into the family I want things to continue with this girl but how do I let on that her dad's brother

fucking hates me and this is something we can get past. That's from Liam. Why does her dad's brother? I'm actually to see your relationship that much. Yeah. They're really close, apparently. I just thought it was a mad that they're dating a few weeks and he's meeting her parents. No one moves as slow as you, Finn. That's a good point. You barely meet the birth.

Finn's normally about two and a half years in and he's like, no, we're just casual. Just where it goes. By the way, I am absolutely. In terms of like speed of getting both feet in, this was, I told my sister that I was in love with Laura on the phone. I think we'd been seeing each other a week and a half. And she was like, all right, let's take it easy. And then I'm married her. Well, you know you know.

Yes. Once I'm in, I'm totally. And I'd be like, let's go to Northampton. Let's meet some Mongols. I know you're all happy now, Joel, when you were a single man on dating, and were you a fast mover? I was, uh, yeah, yeah, I was too fast, really. I would just like, I would just always, like, get too excited too quickly.

And that was, it was just so, so annoying. I was just like, get, like, oh, my God, this is the best thing. Then it wouldn't. I think it's just, yeah, it didn't have really worked out. But then you don't want to be too far the other way and like slow. How lonely it is? You can tell, can't you? They've got an aura.

Oarer of loneliness. It takes three months before we're allowed to know a girl's name. No, it takes three months you even know there's a girl to know their name. All right, because it's six months. But then once we know the name, oh, it's fun times. That could be good too. Like me and my wife, we met, and we were engaged within a year, and we were married within like two and a half.

and now it's like we've got kids together. Like if we didn't make that rush, then we wouldn't have got married, I don't think. Because we've got, you know, it's like... How old are you when you met your missus? I was like 32, I think. Yeah, we've had a very similar thing. I met Laura when I was 33.

And we were like, listen, you're great. Let's do it. Yeah. We just fast track the whole thing. And also there's a good amount of time. Like, how old are you know? 27. 27.

So you go. I feel like, it's annoying for an old person, go, oh, you've got time. But it's like, it's fun to enjoy stuff and go like, like, it's good to go slow, but also maybe go faster so that, like, you don't use up too much time on people that are shit. Yeah.

Because then you'll, because then you'll really know when you meet the one that's right. Because that was something that happened with me and Hannah. I was like, I know that this is right because I've been through lots of other shit ones. And you've got to keep the pace up a little bit. Do you know what I mean? It's like gigging.

You've got the more you gig, the more you understand how to play a shit gig. And you know what? I don't know whether this is the right metaphor or not. I need to buy my baby blue. Yeah. Exactly. I've never met a girl he stated than we've been friends for five years. Really?

Just very secretive about it. Very secret. If you came out to the jazz names a couple of times, you might have met one by now. That sounds like a euphemism, but it's not. We went to jazz. I went to jazz nights and Finn brought a ladies to jazz night. Yeah? I'm no more talk about that.

Thank you very much. She liked jazz. You've known for five years and I've got a feeling that I know him exactly the amount that you guys know him. Literally. I met him like 45 minutes ago. I ended up on it. Was that totally by accident?

You gate crashed a date once. Oh, that was lovely. That was great fun. That was so good. Did we just turned up? We hadn't arranged to meet. No, you were just there. Oh, shut.

That was a great hang with someone, Finn didn't want me to meet. So were you on a date and then you just happened to be there? Yes. And then we were all on a date. That's so exciting. Who were you out with that time? Who was Callum Oakley? It was my old friend, Callum Oakley,

who I apparently go for a drink with. I can't remember the context. It says a lot about my friendship with Callum that I forgot. He was there. I remember everything about the young lady you were there with because, oh, I could see you squirming. I was like, it is a pleasure. Great fun.

Was Finn very different on this date? Was he a different person to the person that you know here? Like, I like the idea of people. He hates this one. They have a top hat. Yeah, he had a top hat. See? This is a guy where we're seeing?

Fin are you doing a voice? When do you know what you mean? Don't you need to be somewhere with Callum? I'm a big job. I'm a big shot. I'm a big shot, don't know. And that's in Liverpool content.

I can get to him a Patriot special, baby. I think he does act a lot cooler when he's solo with the ladies. I think. I'm a musician, man. Yeah, it's just a bit like, yeah, man. Just host this podcast, man. Do me tunes and that, man.

It's all about the vibes, man. I host this. Me and the guys, man, we're all equal, really. With Liam's situation, if this is his, like, say he's in the same situation that you were in and this is who he fast-tracks and marries and he's dead happy. I think the right person for you,

you're allowed to hate one family member. I think the best thing to do, yeah. Listen, I love you to bits, but your uncle's a bell-ended. The best thing to do, yeah, because you'd probably win rather than the other uncles and go, oh, you're the knobby than the motorway. Yes. And then he go, what? He go, wow, we were fucking shouting with each other all the way.

The thing here, though, Carl, is this party has now happened. and he's written into a podcast and it's now probably several months later. So I don't think the next time he sees him, he can go, you're the novvid on the Twitter. Also, in the moment, that's an extremely high risk move, isn't it? Like, you go, I'm going to blow it up and potentially ruin a christening

when he loses his shit in real life. I think the reality is, because I occasionally get a little bit of road rage, right? And the truth about that is, normally what I'm angry with people for I have probably done you know what I mean I'm not doing it right now and you are

fuck you exactly so I think that's if you're ever in this situation again or if anyone else is and here's what you should have done in this situation you go we have murdered on the most way before didn't we

yeah you know it's like in a car I've done that you've done what I was doing do you want a pint and if he's like no you were a knobbed you go shut up you're fucking stupid bald cunt and you're going to get a pint and never talks him again. You extend the olive branch

and if he rejects it, it's all for forever. He looks like a dickhead, then if you're trying to be cool about it, he's like, no, I'd be like, oh lad, get a lot, fucking chill up. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a good shot.

I'm knobbing your niece. How about that? You have a christening? Yes. I really wish we did the out of context little clips as well because that would be really good down the camera. I'm knobbing your niece.

Ladies and gents, that is a podcast. Yeah. Mr. Thomas. I know you're in Liverpool tonight so we can't really give that show a plug. You are still on tour? I'm still on tour.

When does the tour extend itself to? I'm ending at the Palladium on the 24th of April. I don't know when this comes out. This will be out this weekend. Oh, nice. Yeah, so I've still got a few tour dates left. Palladium on the 24th.

There's still tickets for that. And I just, yeah, honestly, guys, such a pleasure to be here. It's such a pleasure to see you guys doing well. I like, you know, we've all gig together and like various shells across the country. You've seen my balls? And I've seen your balls.

And you know just as much about Finn's dating history as we do, have you yet? That's exactly it. That's exactly it. And genuinely it's a pleasure. So you're doing great. By the way, Carl's been my best mate since we were 16. And I've never seen us balls. There we go.

There we go. Instead of a song from Finn, we're going to have Carl's balls. Just for the audio listeners. We've got a guy that we've played a few. times Michael Gallagher. He's just supported Miles Kane and this is his new tune Home. Do it. All right. Thanks, Joel. Thanks, everyone. Bye.

Thank you. This place are left that I call home. It's like no other. The streets are short, the drinks are cheap and we all know each other. Not much to do around here at least I get to see my mother. And I got

friends. I kept the years of calling brothers. Now in the right, big city. Everyone's just trying to make it Now used to this kind of fun, but I guess that I should take it Change my wings, scrimmed my teeth, yeah, I'll just fake it Don't place your bets on me, everything I touch I break it It's a short, the times are hard, but we won't suffer

I miss my mother