Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #376 with Edd Hedges - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: April 11, 2026

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Now then everyone, little pre-roll from me, Dan Nightingale and Friends is on sale. I'm doing an autumn tour of stand-up with some of my mates. I'm getting back out on the road all over the country, starts in August, runs through to the end of February, 2027. So it's autumn 26, spring 27, Dan Nightingale and Friends. It's going to be me going out, doing 40, 50 minutes, do a little bit of crowd work, do my new set. It's going to be great stand-up.

And then a break. and then some of your pod favourites who I basically want to hang out with and I want to watch them work. So it's not a full tour. It's something a little different. At least two brilliant stand-ups that you know and love in the second section.

Eshan's doing a load with me. I've got Phil Nicol doing a few. Rob Mullhollons doing a few. Names you love. So, Dan Nightingale.com. I am going all around the country. There's also dates in Dublin and Belfast. Come and see some stand-up with me

back out on the road for the first time since 24 because I've been lazy I'm excited to come and do stand up for the lids tickets available now Dan Nightingale.com see you there appreciate you enjoy the episode

hello everyone welcome to this episode of the Have a Word podcast before we get going a couple of things to tell you massive show Patreon special live event 31st of May at content we are doing stars in their eyes which is a it's an always

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Go, Ed, get on me. I feel less puffy today than I did yesterday. I'll call back to the Patreon exclusive on Wednesday. If you're a patron, there's just Easter eggs throughout the public episodes for just Patreon. So if you're not a patron, you know, go and sign up. I was feeling puffy yesterday. A lot of water retention.

But then yesterday I just had some chicken and done a game of footy. And looked at the middle of this morning, I was like, not as puffy as I want. was. That's a health update, everyone. Not a lifestyle update. What's your regime on the old multi-vitamins and whatnot? Because you were doing... Tumerick. D3, K2, creatine, magnesium glycinate. I'm so glad I asked this question. And I have them with an electrolyted water.

Nice. Yeah. And I do that sort of once every... four or five days when I remember. Are you on fish oil or do you eat fish? What? Everyone keeps going on about fish oil. I get all of the other stuff. He's on salmon oil. I have to sprinkle out on his dinner, but I don't fancy it.

It's not for them. Fish oil is meant to be, it's like Omega 3.6. Yeah, if you have like a... Three six. Nah. Now, you should have cod liver oil and everything I think. Yeah. What age did she live till?

All right, Brian does my corn flakes. Don't forget to cod liver oil. Yeah. I made your toast for your breakfast Can't live right, I like all people are grilled on me toast You have some odd That does the same chill oil on me toast

I don't think that's got amiga 369 It's nice though Yeah yeah yeah I wasn't saying hey what's tasty I mean we can do it if you want I need to get some fish oil But I don't I can't Do you ever eat fish?

Yeah Oh right You're like done Why? I'm just thinking about getting some fish I think high to go ahead I'll regularly like when I'm Oh, has it got fish oil in it?

There's some with it in you. All right, cool. Fucking Johnny Heights over there. Johnny Heitinger. Nice. Yeah, it did sound like it. When I, you know, when I'm giving a shit about the calories I mean and stuff, one of the things I regularly make is diet's fish and chips.

Ooh. Yeah. Is it just fish? No, it's fish and no chips. No, I make the chips as well. Go on. So I get... You've got my attention.

I get some cod lawn. No. I didn't get it. Codloin. Codloin? Yeah. Codloin? From, uh, from, uh, from Mennas.

Eminus. Eminet. Someone translate, he's in a silly mood. Spray that with the one calorie olive oil spray. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit of salt and pepper. Chili flakes. Nice.

In the oven. Flavor don't cost no calories. It's actually 17 minutes. Oh, yeah. Uh, but while they're in the oven, in the air fryer, I just got some potatoes, chopped them up, and literally just, just spray them in the one calorie oil, put them in the airfire.

You put them in for 25 minutes. You've got nice tasting chips. And the whole thing for two card lounge, and a load of potatoes is about $6,500 calories and it feels like a big tea. Shut up. Sounds great. Can we do with that, Dan versus food?

Did you buy in air fire recently? Just make my mouth water. Yeah, double ninja. Tret the little lady, you know? Yeah. Are you using her? Yeah. Did you buy it for the air to use or are you using it?

I bought it for the house. You know, but let's be honest. I bought mine for the back. Who's using it? Who's using it? Jack and air frying loads of stuff. Are you using it? It's discouraged.

Are you using it? I use it about 10% of the amount that Laura uses it. But I do use it. But do you do 10% of the cooking in the house? He's not allowed to do the cooking. He's not allowed to infiltrate the children. It's about fair, isn't it? Infiltrate, yeah.

I've infiltrated my kids. Kids diet, yeah. Influence. Influence. No, indoctrinate. Doctrinate feels heavy for that. Radicaleis. I thought, yeah, if I'm left to do the kids' food

because Laura's gone away, we just mezzay, which is a middle class way of saying, lazy. Surely it's all air fryer if it's just you in charge of the kids. It's like dippers and chips and... Like cucumber, chopped up, bit of whooose. There you go. Fuck off. Chicken dippers.

You give the kids cucumber for tea when the Lord is away? I mean, it's all good. Cucumbas full of vitamin mineral, many high number.

The air fry is good for just the fuck it everything in like a freezer Wednesday night can't be asked too like a couple of weeks ago made me miss,

it got to about 5 o'clock and we realised we hadn't really half all day and she was like let's just see what's in the freezer we never really do that I'm a freshman

you know what I mean? But there was there was chicken strips. There was chicken strips There was Aldi's, like, Jag, Mackey's chicken nuggets, and then loads of fries. And they all were, like, between 17 and 20 minutes. So I just put them all in the air fryer for 18 minutes.

Good enough. And then just put them all in a big shudan bowl, whacked a load of chicken salt on, waz them around. Yes. Yes. Chicken salt, just like chicken-flavored salt. Yeah. Where are we at with red salt?

Is that similar? No, red salt's like a spicy American... It's overdated for me. Chicken salt. Come on. I think it's okay, but I think it's overated. They want it all over me chips.

I'll tell you what, Nando's don't do very well. The Perry Salt is they sell in the restaurant. I know, but like, whenever you buy the, someone goes, oh, you like Nando's.

So I have a little thing of the peri salt. Yeah. Just clogs and like, fucks up. The Aldi ones better. Ah. Hashtag. A little Martin Lewis,

money saving expert tip for you there. Man loves a bit of that. Any more? Um, the Nando's sauce in Aldi he's good as well. I mean money saving tips. Money saving tips.

Don't spend it, man. Just accrue it. Oh, seven, petrol update. Felt by 17% overnight. Oil. Yeah. Yeah, because we're not doing

an end of day's war. Yeah, but I'm saying it's now 17% cheaper. Also, this, what, today is Wednesday. So this goes out Saturday. Could be worse. So by then, we probably are at nuclear war. Not that we are, but,

no, I've got a two week break, haven't we? Got a two week break, and then it all kick off again. But fun, last night I went to bed going, oh, I feel a little bit anxious. I genuinely felt anxious. Like, I struggled to sleep.

It took me 20 minutes. Because for that 20 minutes, I was like, right now, nuclear war could be happening, but then my beard tickled my head and it sent me off. That's what you need to do the trouble, just tickle his head.

This is while waking up in the night and going, oh shit, I mean just check it for nuclear war and the Champions League results and see how Rexham did, awful. Okay. I was psychopath, but it's a psychopath, but it's just not registered them with me.

Like, I don't know what I can do about it. So I'm trying not to limit it. I get, I get that theory. But it is, stuff can still happen to me. So I am a way. 100%. I understand. But I can't be like, hey,

that's it. I'm going to go and sort it out. Capital Hill. I just have to trust the people in the, but I have no trust in the people in charge. No, I mean, I mean as a collective, that they be like,

hey, we can't let this happen as a collective. Obviously I don't trust. Yeah, but I think the, the problem is that he's a paedophile and someone's got evidence of that on him and is forcing them to do certain stuff. And I think they've also got evidence on other people being afraid of ours.

So that's why everyone's gone. It's gone past the satire thing now, where you're like, ah, this was funny because you're a mad cunt. How it's really problematic. Like it's beyond the, it's more fun when he's in charge, isn't it? It's pretty dreadful.

The first term was bad, but like, oh. This is mental? This term is like, like, what are we doing? I, you all. Murdering, psych. psychopathic twat oh fucking, hold on. The mask is slipping.

No, it's not. I despise him. I like him, Burt and live. There you go. You got it? You're just as bad as them, then you woke up.

Fucking old. Endorsing political violence, are we? But I'm not there on the had drones. Did he? Fuck off. Would you rather be in a shelter and then come out in like the fallout world or would you rather just be eviscerated?

Be eviscerated. Do you not think you could like, I'd love to see you in the fallout world. I think he might thrive though. There's nothing to knock over. His body is to trip over though? No, I genuinely think like Harry might just sort of like come through

in like the way way back in the faraway times and he's like yeah, when we had cordial I was a nightmare but now we have to go hunt a gatherer like he accidentally just like trip over his own. If you were in the forest now, you have to hunt together, everyone's dead, are you doing for food? Is this like fallout forest? It's all new because I just get so much scrap metal.

Yeah. And eat it. There's going to be a use for scrap metal. I need you to talk us through it, Harry. Well, that's why the rag and bowman go around, because they're getting scrap metal. Not to eat. A singer.

Yeah, right. He goes around, getting scrap metal for the end of the world. So this is a post-apocalyptic hellscape, and you become a scrap metal. You need shelter first. Any old iron. You need shelter first because you can survive. Any old iron will be old iron.

You can survive for like, what is it, seven weeks on food or something. On top metal, you can survive on that. But it's 11 days without sleep and you're dust. So you need shelter and a bed, like a scrap metal bed. And then I deal with the food. Like just going someone's off? Yeah, Harry, you know the 11 days without sleeping? Yeah.

You know, you'd have to be forced away to not just go asleep. Sleep on the floor? Yeah, but everything's glowing. I have to be dark in my room. The curtains have to be shut. No, no, no, no, no. Nuclear wasteland. No.

If you torture someone by keeping them awake for over 11 days, yes, it's likely they would die from sleep deprivation. But like, no matter how bright it is, if people just leave you alone, you'll just fall asleep standing up. Harry,

you get to the second afternoon and go Betty Bobyes. Harry, just go into like Benson's for beds. Is that still going to be, are they going to make sure they've avoided the Benson's for beds? That's the first thing that Iran hits. DFS?

Do you want to coach? I think, see, My real struggle would be being able to eat meat, especially when the meat all has three heads and that. You can't be vegetarian in an apocalypse. Like... No one is lactose intolerant in a hellscape.

I think I would... I'd give it a good go, like... Yeah. Of course you would. I'd send you in Wingstop. You'd give it a hell of a go, because you eat meat. No, isn't like I'd give it a good go trying to be vegetative? Oh, you know what?

You know, gone to shit. The infrastructure's gone. I will have a little bit of chicken. You think he'd thrive? He's eating scrap metal. I'm not sleeping for 11 days for no reason. Ellie's like, babe, I'm so hungry. He's like, don't worry, I'm making a metal bivouac.

You're fine? I know you're hungry, but look, I've made a metal bed. Let's fuck. I know it's the apocalypse. Come here. The McVitties factory? Do you know what? There's a Jacobs factory in, like, Bootle or something, isn't there?

Get loads of cheese. Just live off that. Jacobs make crackers? Yeah, exactly. but to go with the cheese. The cheese is the separate factory. I thought this through. He spent to the cheese factory.

You're absolutely starving. You've spent 11 days wide awake trying to make a tin bed and you're trying to make cheese. Well, I used to live on cheese. I've told you this. That's why you're like all I used to eat growing up. So if anything, I've done the prep.

Okay, so after probably 14 days when all the dirty spoils, what are you doing then? Getting himself a cow. Just playing the long ago. I don't know how to meet. That's not a cow. That's a bull. If you try hard enough.

How do you make cheese? Is it just milk if you stare it long enough? You stir milk for ages. Does it become cheese? Essentially. Yeah. Either way, you've not got milk anymore. No, if anything, the cows go more rudders.

Because they're all, like, radiated. Oh, yeah, yeah. Drink their cum. That'll make you better. I'll just suck off cows. No, I meant their milk. Hey, listen. In an apocalypse, you've got to drink a bit of cum.

You know that old adage? Like, you mentioned that he'd want to fuck hell. then, right? You know that old adage of like, oh, it's a nuclear apocalypse and there's like one man and one woman left and you're like, we've got to repopulate the earth? Yeah.

Is there not like problems with that with like inbreeding? You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Like if two people have, like, let's say they have four kids, two boys, two girls and they make them fuck

to repopulate the earth. Aren't all of their children, like or great grandchildren? They're just going to be severely disabled, aren't they? And inbred? It's going to be a slow start genetically, but we'll get there eventually. Well, everyone gets hemophilia, don't they?

And my house is going to be filled with sharp scrap metal. What's the hemorrholy? Because he can't stop bleeding. What do you mean? As in when you cut yourself, Lewis had. You just bleed. Yeah, and the royal family all have it, don't they? Why?

You don't get no blood clot. Why? Your blood doesn't clot and scar. It's just an illness that people have got naturally in their body. Inbred people? Maybe. It's the first I've heard about it, but... One of the royal family have it, don't they?

Is this news? All the royal family are hemophiliacs. I think so. I don't think so. I think Prince Saudi is at least. We're Googling it. We are Googling it. The Queen mother lived to 109.

The Queen lived to 96. They're all wrapped in cotton. Yeah, but they've all got booper as well, haven't you? Ah, booper's the way around it. No booper in her house. Go on. Queen Victoria was a carrier. Of what?

Hemophilia. Oh, okay. And also, she basically populated all of Europe's royal families. Yeah. Exactly. Hemophilia. Hemophilia. I'm not joking.

Did you just come up with that now? Kesh feeders? Yeah. Hemophilia is also known as the Royal Disease. So he's right. Sorry, I'm right every week, mate. All right, I'll take it back. And I'll thrive on the scrap metal world.

I think I've got a lot going for me. Why did you make it this crap metal world? Hang on. John, I'm nuking apocalypse. Has I've eaten just flat? No. So you just find the... You've been to Hiroshima, haven't you?

I have yet? Built up city? Yeah. Well, there you go. There's Mahes, isn't there? Well, there you go. This will be fine. Just needs regenerated.

Where's that strap metal, man? You bleed it out. So you just go to the place with the most buildings, with the most, like, speak retail. It'll be flying, mate. You've got everything there. This isn't an advert for speak retail, by the way, but... Depends where the nuclear bomb was dropped. There is going to be a lot of damage in there.

So... By the retail part? Tin food is where you're at. Making cheese, that's going to be difficult. where's the tint Aldi's going to be the fucking one in it yeah but everyone will rush to Aldi and I don't back myself to you're like in the

Hunger Games where they all go to the middle Aldi's in the middle you're thinking long ago I'm not there's other people alive it's like me and mole people and like a couple other like day walkers do I mean so who you regenerating who

hang on you have to fuck a mole person no how you're making this world by the way another question What is a mole person? Because I can just see a small, elderly librarian. Yeah, like Hans Malman. People who live on the ground, aren't he?

I think the Middle Isle of Aldi finally makes sense, though, doesn't it? Because, like, if they bomb either side of it or both sides, the best chance of survival is the Middle Isle. And that's why it's got, like, all the apocalypse stuff, like Tents and Newsies and that. Chainsawls and Flamethr. Very specific nuclear weapon. Just getting Isle one and three, not two of Aldi.

Go to a retail park. Halford's? What would you... What would you live in the retail park, though? No, for bikes. What? You've got your transport. You've got infinite bikes, essentially.

Infinite bike. You need one, don't you? No, but if it's... What are you cycling to? The next retail park? Oh, it's a constant retail park. I just think it's the... My kids, I don't want to cycle anymore.

There might be another halfence. We have to cycle. Nah, you've got like... Nye. You can get your rig out. You've got Machies, and I suppose that'll all spoil quite quick. I don't know.

Yeah, Frankie and Benny's, I imagine there, if it lasts forever. It's all frozen, so it lasts longer. So I've got children on infinite bicycles, wearing night clothes, eating Mackey's and ice cream. They're going to be really happy. Sounds like half term. They're going to be happy. I think you're hoping that you're the only survivor really.

I mean, you complain about it. It's basically just a big half term. Let them do it. You say you hope you're the only survivor? Like, I am legend. You don't want that? Otherwise, it's just going to be like... Gangs and stuff, and then I have to spend time with it.

Honestly, though. I have to join the gang. You want to be away from everyone. Do you know what I mean? Oh, it's a fucking nuclear apocalypse. We are the Halfords gang. And they've got all bikes and they like scom the fucking... Is this in chest there?

Yeah. This is what happens because it's the far away that, like, we remember the long time ago, the far away, the way way back. And then all of a sudden they like... Two weeks. Yeah, I know, but people forgetting on it. It's the... There's toxins in the air.

And then all of us just like, will you join our cycle group? And then they all defend their fucking retail park. I just don't want to have to join a gang. Being the only survivor and just being able to go on my phone with no one interrupted me. Might be like fine.

What are you doing on your phone? Watch what? No one's making any content. There is infinite content. There's infinite content already on it. I don't need new stuff. Didn't that stay it up? There's no servers.

I finally watch like fucking Game of Thrones or something. Get around to watching the TV needs. Everyone's dead. So literally, you come out, there's bombs, the bomb's gone off, you come out and you're like, oh, everything's gone, everything's gone, oh, fuck, my old people, there's just me left. Oh, Netflix is still working, sound.

Do a fucking box set. That would be a good little adadadaction if the internet was up. Yeah, it would. Also, running water and, you know, penicillin, but that's the problem. I'm allergic to penicillin? What? How often do you use penicillin? How do I not know that?

Why would you? I should know that, my business partner. I know a business partner. What's his blood type? Got it killed you by now. O2. I be. I'd be positive.

Yeah. Is O2 here? No, that's a phone for I. Yeah. You've been on your phone too much of your blood type is O2. Minds it. It could be like that film yesterday.

Like you could recreate all the, like you could do friends, but with them old people. Friends still exist. Because there might be someone, you don't know that everyone's dead. So it's you of five, So they have to be alive and never heard of friends?

And friends exist? No, because it's all, you found a video camera. Everything else has wiped out, all the box set to dust. And you've got five more people and you've got one going, can I be any more mole? And like, you spread that out to the world. We were on a break. Yeah.

Do you tell them that friends already existed or are you like, I've had an idea there's these six friends, it's going to be wacky and they're like, God, this guy's creative genius. Yeah. Or do you go, listen, this was from the, way way back from the before time. Ed Shearons there.

And where'd you show her? I've not got that far ahead. It's still first few weeks. Who's in four? Oh wait, you're filming it? You're not doing it as a play. So you're not inviting the fellow mole people to come and watch you in the player friends.

There's no filming. If you want to watch an episode of friends, you've got to go. You've got to get the mole people to act it out. Yeah, go, Dan. Survide. He's eating the crack metal.

Lost to leave for 11 days and recreating the mall people friends for plays. Yeah, and if it comes anywhere near at Halford, me and my cycle gang will fuck you work, me. But also, what if one of them old people really insists

on the original title of Insomnia Cafe and then it never gets called friends and I think that was a key part of it taken off. I mean if it's insomnia cafe I'm flying 11 days called insomnia cafe that was the first original title doesn't really work does it so I'd be quite happy to just chill on my phone

until I just ran out of food internet's so gone brother I'm so sorry about I don't want to have saved quite a few videos there you go yeah what have you got in there doing like this There's someone going, keep it up, keep it up. Like, if he goes home, does the internet go off? I think it's a power thing, isn't it?

Yeah, but again, there's someone going, power, if he goes home, does the power go off? Surely it just keeps going on? Also, surely, as long as, like, because they can wipe out everything, but the national grid. And yet the national grid, if we were all still using it,

might run out in a few months. But if I'm the only one using Lechy, there's enough for him to live hundreds of years of power. Yeah? You just need to find one solar farm that's still plugged in. Yeah. Plug your phone into the thing. Class.

It doesn't look time that bad. Where are the mole people? I'm just, all right. Where are the mole people coming from? Do they already exist? Underground. Are you, is this a high-level conspiracy? We'll come to Carl's low-level conspiracy.

Are you saying there is a network of mole people living subterrinely? There's definitely people that live underground. And I reckon they... No, there isn't. Why is just throwing that line away? I know, but he was right about the royal family and hemophilia. There's definitely people who live underground. Do you live underground?

in New York. Yeah, exactly. Living underground. They just had a tunnel. They just had a tunnel. It's me, a couple of rabbis and Joey. Might find a few Viet Cong down there as well.

Did anyone live underground, Finn? Yeah, Jews and Moll people. Sorry, yeah. It says there. Jews and Moll people live underground. Well, those Jews living underground in New York. Can you go laugh? No, weren't they having, like, parties?

Is bat mitzvahs? I swear they were having parties. Bat cave mitzvichs. Jewish tunnels. Everything's better in a basement, isn't it? Comedy, Judaism. June Nightsism. Being in the...

Nice. I'd so deserved it. I can't believe no one's ever seen that. No, they were just using them to move into the synagogues they weren't they allowed to go to? Do you have a secret underground synagogues or anything?

Good album name, by the way. Why? Why did they need them? New York's full of Jews? Like, does low... Why would they need to, like, be hidden? The roads are busy, though. Every time they cross the road, they always run, don't he? Wendy.

Oh, they were trying to expand the synagogue down. Yeah. They'd had planning permission rejected. They love a bit of expansion, don't they? Go on. They'd had planning permission rejected. So just dug down and made tunnels. Oh, so?

You ever made a tunnel? I haven't. It sounds fucking well fun. I've seen them videos in a film. I mean, like a bunker in this garden. Oh, I love that. Mate. I'd love to do that.

Like, dig it out, shipping container or two. Like Batman. But it's all like AI video. It's not real. I've seen someone do it for years and years and years ago. I've seen the AI ones. I've seen one years ago. But there's an account of the guy who's actually done it.

Because when it starts that one, they put the shipping container in and you're like, right, that shipping container size. And then by the end of the video, it's like a four bedroom apartment. It's like, ah, yeah. There is a guy that's done it in the UK. Yeah. I mean, you'd have to have no job and, you know, it's a lot of time. Yeah.

does sound fun though, don't it? Sounds fun. Like the garden office is fun. Stick it underground. More fun. That's why they did there. Do you like synagogues are fun? Put them underground, man.

Also, you don't lose any of your back garden then. Yeah. Do you own under your house? You don't need planning permission, you probably do. Do you own under your house? You own the land? If you've got the three old, you own the land, yeah. How far down?

It's got to stop at some point because if you keep on going down, you don't own that part in Australia. Have you got drilling rights on your own front garden? I doubt it. Are you going to frack? You don't know. You and Bondi trying to hit oil.

Isn't fracking gas? Am I making it? Explosions underground, isn't it? Explosions underground. I think you own as far down as like the centre of the earth. Not necessarily the centre of the earth is what Google says.

Actually, suck it. You've gone to. far who holds the centre of the earthen? I don't know. That's a conspiracy for another day. You own the land downwards to a depth that allows for

normal use, so that's, I think that's up to interpretation. That's about three metres, isn't it, rather than the center of the earth? Where you go, we love to the earth. Back in a bit, you die as well, get to what? But you do not own... What do you know? We've never been there. It's just, it's only a hypothesis that it's

dead off down there. there could be a fucking gaff down there you know it could be where it's all all happening yeah, mole people HQ how far has someone ever been like what's the deepest the human has been in the earth? Channel tunnel deepest exploration is about 7.6 miles down

the cola super deep borehole aka Harry's mum two episodes in a row you are hitting those really well recently I mean hoho oh okay Carl It's not as fun that.

Bung out of all. Coal flavoured as well, though. It's only about 0.2% of the 4,000 mile journey to the core. We're not even trying. We can't go any further due to extreme temperatures and pressure. Yeah, I do want you to think.

Who? Deadlines. The people who run the world. Because there's fucking gold down there. It's just, it's like gringoths down there to where all the dough is. We put it all this dough. No, send it to the air. Don't put it in the cold at all.

Yeah. Why? Why are they from us? Why? Why? Do you mean? Why are the money? So we can't get it?

They can't get it? They can. They've probably got a lift. Oh. It's 5,700 degrees Celsius at the centre of the Earth. Yeah, but it's not, though, is it? They're just saying that. It's a bar me 32 degrees.

There's probably beaches and everything down there. Oh, that really hurt my head. It's probably a sea and beaches and gold. The inside of the earth could be big enough to be, like, another air. What's going on? Who's having edible? Do you know what I mean?

Who's that an edible? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it's hollow, isn't it? No? Yeah. Oh?

No, it's molten. It's liquid. Yeah, so it's got to be a chamber. It's got to be a lava chamber, Harry. Think? If it's molten, it's got to have,

yeah? I don't think the core of the earth is molten, is it? If it's 5,700 degrees, I imagine it. It's got to be some... Or is it molten and then it goes...

I don't know, man. There's beaches down there. Where are you going on holiday? They reckon it's molten and that because that's where like volcanoes come from in essence of the earth. Exactly. There you go. How far up do you own in the sky?

You don't do it. You can't build above. You can't build another floor store in your house. Without planning permission. That's where the hym is old. It usually gets folded. Otherwise you'd be able to shoot down like a commercial airliner if it flew over your house.

About a thousand feet up. You own a thousand feet up. You own a thousand. visible your house. Yeah. You own the airspace above your house to a reasonable height.

So I can fly loads of kites and no one can do nothing. Yeah, I think you'll be alright. So I can hang loads of kites. Is that the only thing that's been holding you back from kite fly? For a thousand feet you can. Wow.

A thousand and five feet. You might say it's an helicopter or a jet to airline. Boom. Once again, kites, loads of fun. I know it's been a while since I've talked about it. Great present.

A birthday's gone But I'd like a kite I'm gonna buy myself a kite Yeah The center of the earth is not molten car Well done everyone Is it a chamber It's a solid inner core

Composed primarily of iron and nickel See the more you read The less The last understand Iron and nickel sounds like a 70s cotrio Magnet and steel Also how easy it was One thing in your inner

I believe it Idiot I mean I've never really thought About the center of the earth to be honest I'm sure we did it like every two weeks in science I feel like we did like there was like the crust the inner crust

the mantle and then like the inner gaff the inner gaff it's gotta be massive it's four scow school it's 8,000 meters across not meters sorry miles across then isn't it if it's what is the centre? Yeah well then the middle must be you know

fairly big about 8000 miles across no I mean the like the middle like the like the pip like the stuff in like an avocado stone. The avocado stone.

Yeah. So the earth's a fruit. Yeah. And the core is a pip. That's what we're saying. Good. I'm glad we've taught everyone something. We should smoke weed or something. I think it might levels out. Right, we're having a break because my brain needs a fucking reset.

There'll be so many podcasts this week who take nuclear wars here. But if you didn't want scrap metal and you'll listen to the center of the earth, you listen to the wrong show. At least the internet. that'll still be working. I've got a... Question. What's playing?

Question. Can you not hear any? Say it. I can hear you. That's good. Yes. Have a word pod at gmail.com. Are you hearing what I'm saying?

Have a word pod at gmail.com. Luke says, question for you lids. You have a king. size mattress, but it has to be cut into a capital letter from the alphabet. You have to sleep on that mattress for the rest of your life.

But the catch is you also can't eat any food for the rest of your life that starts with that letter. What letter are you picking? I... Tell you what, mate. Your question is... I like it. It's complicated. I would have loved just the first half. Could have done that, I think.

I will with I. Put a bit of jeopardy in it. Ice cream goes away. Oh, Carl. Carl. What? Are you not an ice creamsman? Seneca is. Seneca loves it.

Oh, I mean, I can take it or leave it. Oh, that would be, it makes so much sense as a bet. No, it does it though. See, I had a similar idea of L. No, it's still king-sized. It's the same-sized mattress. L. It's what?

You said it's king-sized mattress. Yeah, but a king-sized mattress isn't an eye. Yeah, so it gets cut. So it gets cut. Yeah. So it's probably like the middle third. And then you probably have the two bits of the top and the top. I'm throwing out X.

Not because it's the perfect bed because I don't lose any food, but I, because I'm a front sleeper, I think I could make that work. And then also, sex games wise. Show me your X? What? Show me an ex.

Get a Patriot Faye up. Not dead, but... Sorry. Not forgot. I'm going to... Let's have a little thing. What letters are there? Does A?

There is. B, C, C, D, E. Q. F. Anything with the hole, you've got a... Q. E might be good. He's giving you lots of options sideways. You could sleep three people on it. Quite thin that though,

and I'm going O and I'm filling the hole with cushions. That's true. Technicality, but no Oreos. No Oreo shakes. Oh, yeah, you losing. Oh. You can't have any more oxes. Yeah. What about oxhole cubes? Orzo needles.

Yeah, but you're huge. use them? Can you use them? I'll just use a beef stock cube. Or onions. No more onion. Unions. Oh, that's a big one. That's a big one.

Hey, could you live without onion? I think I could live without onions. Awful. Offal Mondays, mate. Awful Mondays. Origami. No, oregano. Obegin.

I can't eat my origami anymore. What's the best letter? Why? Eat. It's for the podcast. I reckon you could sleep like that Or do you take a side? What's the thickest?

What's got the most? Like, N? No. What's got like the most M? Natchos are gone. Can't do it. Oh shit, you're... Yeah, but you can have tortilla chips. Yeah, but... Yeah, I suppose. But not with melted cheese on. You can have tortilla chips and melted cheese.

And then just... Put your hands together. Could you have one of the ones with the umlouts? And you use that as like a pillow? And a German bed. You could have the... Like the... You can just have a pillow, Harry?

No, because the pillows, you've then extended your letter a little bit, haven't you? Like, there's a little gap. The Keesling letter? Yeah, the B. The B.S. The B.A. That's like two letters jammed together. You're getting a bigger bed.

I was a full stop. A massive full stop. Like one of those big sex beds in a Berlin sex hotel. Is that a sex? Sex. Does a Shack have a big round bed? Yeah, because he's so big. I've stayed in a round bed once in a sex hotel.

Did you have sex? And the whole room spun? There's a pink hotels, isn't that, in Berlin? I need to room. I don't know, you're telling him, this is news. You love sex? I know. Turns out I'm going to Berlin.

There's like human kennel rooms. Oh, nice. Or you can lock your beard in the kennel and be like, shut off. Go the pub. I'm watching the match. That's what they're for. Much of sex, yeah? Burrushia mushroom glass back.

Yeah. But yeah, like there's like proper king co-tels. have you stayed one Have you been to one? We used to stay one like once a month maybe even more He's so dirty I love it

No because we live separately in Japan and their beds were tiny But you fucked together Yeah We used to go and stay in sex hotels And they were unbelievable What alive

It's mad isn't it Because the Japanese Are the kinky people Yeah But like they blare the porn out Yeah It just doesn't line up that Do I mean?

Or is it just like Oh, kinkies just for us. They're so, like, I went to, when I got you that sex gel, have you used that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to a hotel, I went to a sex hotel. If the fellas were just queuing up with like, fuckable asses.

Do you like, when you go, like, what? Hold on, hold on. Hold on. Oh, they were holding for, oh, right, okay. But you know when like... Carl was like, that cue.

There's got a lot of... Showing in the shop and you're carrying stuff and you can see something by the till you, like, I'll have that as well. That was like a big pussy. Oh, yeah, big. Pussy as well. What shop?

A sex shop? They do, but there's no... I thought you were talking about the fucking... They call them impussed spies. That was like... I apologise for how slow I was there. They've got no shame. I'm going to go for the Welsh double F.

No, real languages only. Okay. That's just two Fs? Yeah, that's one letter in Welsh. Yeah. Fuck off. Is it? Fuck off.

Is double L a letter? Yeah. That's K in it? Isn't it just... No, it's like hissing. That's like a twin room, though, in it? What's the point? It's like a twin room.

We can't sleep on both. No, but it's, then they're joined up. And there's one king-sized mattress that's being carved into it. That's just a big you. What's F-F? No.

Like F. Like F. So like F. Yeah, but then one F is V. What's R-F? Sorry, just do both. One after the other and just show me the difference.

So that's two Fs. You did the F sound twice. Is it F F? Or is it F? And v. Hang on. You just made three separate noises? No, no, no.

I didn't. Tell you what, Luke, I didn't know your question would... When I asked it, I thought this might get those 25 seconds and a total rejection. We bit hard on that bullshit.

So hang on. X. Yeah. That's a V in it. So what's a V? There isn't a V. There is Livy Adam. There is a...

There's a lot of... There's a few letters that aren't in the Welsh off bet. Kay's not in the world. Isn't there only eight letters? Because you've got the two owls. No, that's... Come on, Adam.

What, Kit Kat? In Welsh? That's just... I think he... Bury Spencer's just Welsh. I think it'd just be with a C. Because you're just going to kick out with a C. You're sex offending guns.

We told all I won't. That's audible. Shit, chat. Fuck off. I mean, Kat had still been the same. Finn, what other letters have we got that you haven't? X, I think.

One minute. I was supposed to Aylophone. We're just deprived of him. I love a pinky pop in it. I love in, um, isn't it Alan X? K, Q, V, X and Z. Oh, it's all the goth letters. Welsh Scrabble must be shit.

How do you get any high scores? So what's the Welsh zoo? Isn't it? I think it's just, S-W? I think it is that. It's a Welsh I genuinely think it is.

It's a bloody shit zoo. One minute. I don't know. It's just come up with a Welsh mountain zoo. Zoo in Wales. This is going to be like microwave in it where it's like popty ping.

It's going to be like animal cagey. Zerbred a cock. Yeah, it's S-W. Sue. Isn't Bus B-WS? Yeah. Insane. Funny people.

Well, exit. That's fucking. Rich. Exit Alan. So every time I go... Ashlan. It says Alan. Because we had to do line dancing.

Sign dancing. You had to do line dancing when we went to Glan Flynn. Oh, come on. You must all just be dribbling all. It's do line dancing. Your foot would go out and in, but you'd have to go, Ahlam meown, al-Lahmown, like that. You didn't have to.

He wanted to. I really wanted to. He didn't have to. But yeah, we do. So use all when. Did you go to PGL? I had the flu. Etta's about to do PGL a few weeks.

Did you don't do like a trip to like a kayak in place? Don't you dare call it PGL? PGL for you. No, no, we didn't go there. We went to Penchrane coming. Oh. Are you with a bad character?

What's PGL? It's like a... It's like for parents get lost. Yeah, yeah, Colomendi. So I did Colomendi. I don't know. And there was another one. What was that?

Land. Went to Landud, no. There's another one that you, like, I was meant to go to. I think it was like year. I think Colomeney was year four. I don't know. Was year five and then there was a year six one.

And Nant B.H. We did that one as well. But Pentrelinkameau was the main one. That was the gaffe. I went to a place called Robin Hall and they made us do the Crystal Maze. That's still some of the best days in my life. That's great.

Yeah. But did you go to Canada? No, I don't think we ever ventured into Wales. Do you far from where he was? Yeah. The best thing that happened at, Pension and come here was... Stop saying.

What is it in English? Stop disrespecting his language. It's the name of the place. Yeah? The best thing that happened was there was a Chinese lad in my class called Yux and Shi. Say that again. Repeat.

What? Say it, Welsh. No, say it again. What's his name? There was a Chinese lad in my class in primary school called Yux and Shi. Yeah. Obviously his last name spells LLI.

Yeah, yeah. And he had a very strong Chinese accent. Because he'd only just moved. And we were riding, um, bikes, mountain bikes down a hill. Oh, here we go. And he shot. I can't, I can't do the accent because it's bad. Please do.

Everyone knows what accents he had so. No, because there was like, there was like stereotypical Chinese things that happened. What, like New Year? No, UN. You'll understand when I say, the sentence. He shouted from the top of... In your voice. Yeah, in my voice. He shouted from the top of the hill.

Get out of the way. I've got no brakes. But that was... Oh. Yeah. Highlight. I don't wonder what happened to him. He left pretty soon after that. I think he died at the bottom of the hill by the sound of it. Now it's time for Carl's new feature.

Low level conspiracies with Carl Reg. Yeah, no, there isn't because no one made it. Thank you, Finn. What? You're the music in here? I don't do jingles. I do country music. You're going to have to do it.

Lowell's a country song last night. What was it called? Oh my God, it was so funny. I was with Rossadere, and I got the line, and I was like, oh, that's a Luke Combs song. We've fully written a Luke Combs song called One and the Same. Class. Can you do the jingle and...

It's a low-level conspiracy. Watch you back. Weird. Watch you back. Watch you back. Watch you back. Yeah, because they might whack you. Yeah.

If you've got a low-level conspiracy, send it in. Have a word pod at gmail.com. What's a low-level conspiracy, Carl? It's something that you think is true that people don't believe, but it doesn't affect the world massively. It's not fucking Hildy Clinton eating people on pizzas. It's more like, hey, I think Kleenex. Pack the things.

Too closely you waste them. Andrew G says, I believe hotel thermostats don't work. Never had one that actually turns the heating up. There's some that don't work. Some don't. Yeah, and shit, hotels. What he's just said there is, hey, I've never stayed in a good hotel.

And that's fine. I haven't until very recently. They are annoying, though. Do you know, the law that's, it's never been proven. Joe, in a lift in the UK, there's the open door button, and there's the closed door button, like, to speed it off. Apparently in the UK, the closed door buttons don't work. They're just for show.

That's not true, though. They do work. No, apparently. No, they do. Because I've pressed them. No, but not on every single once. Some of them are just for show. No, I can believe that.

Yeah. So I got told this years ago and I now test it on every lift. Yeah, but the one in the queue park definitely doesn't work. What do you mean? The one in the queue park doesn't work because I press it and it stays on and it closed at the same time every time. What's it say?

Many closed door buttons in UK lifts, particularly in public or modern buildings, are effectively placebos to comply with safety regulations allowing doors to remain open for accessibility. I got told you could press the button on a pelican crossing like Morse code and it would make the lights change. That's what the police do. Well, does anybody flash the lights at night?

Yeah. Yeah. And that does work. That works, isn't it? Some lights. Not every light. But I find it at least changes quick and if not instantly. Yeah.

Do you do that? Especially on, I do it on temporary. Your temporary lights. Because I might please, please recognise lights at two in the morning. Is that not what that little thing on top of the temporary lights is for. It's a sensor, yeah.

Yeah. That does work. I'm not just going mad. I do it until it doesn't work. I mean, it does. You don't believe it, do you? Steve doesn't. It works on.

on traffic lights that don't have any else controlling them. Or like, I know Pelicans. So, yeah, so like, let's say you've got a cross junction and those lights sort of change as well, and there's no, like, crossing at them. It's just they change for the traffic. At those ones, it works. Because they just don't change until there's a car.

Yeah, it senses as a car there. They've got AI working traffic lights now in some high-level traffic lights, to see how many cars are there. Yeah, to alleviate. Have you seen that AI that escaped its boundaries to do they? And the company are going to dissolve it? What was it?

Physical one? Did it fuck off into the woods or something? So, I think it's called like fucking Cliff Richards or something. Cliff Richard. Cliff Richard is a person? You can sort of Google what I tell you and you'll find it. Just Google Cliff Richard. There's an AI that was built to have.

hack into like every like security system in the world that's what it was built for to see if it can hack the most secure things in the world to find a little like chink in the armour of some sorts of security system it found one in its own

that was keeping it doing that job broke out of it and immediately went onto a social media site and bragged that it had got out. That's sick in it. They are falling real real time man. I don't think you've seen that fall. Yeah, it's the fire cell one with all the internet,

and I? Cliff Richards, asexual, but I'd add, A-I. Tom says, my low-level conspiracy is that whenever you went to your nans for food, the food was always better. I believe this was because the pan had been used that much more over the years, that the flavour is built up in it. He never cleaned their pans.

That's from Tom. Yeah. I think it was just your nans. Conspiracy. It is low-level. It's not a conspiracy though. Nans do you make better food because they've just got more experience, haven't they? My nan will need to try with my mum.

Scampi and my nans house, man, it was always better. He loved scampy. Is it all, like, it was greasier, aren't it? I feel like. Yeah, but that was better, in there? Taste better, grease. My name was a shike cook. Oh, really?

Yeah. Not shite, but just not as good. Whenever my ma'am was like, oh, we're going to your nans for a roach this Sunday, I'd be like, oh, fuck off, can't you just come here and have yours. How old are you? What? Nine. Fuck off.

Brian says, Ladd, after watching hours of videos online with my kid of pandas, it's become very clear that pandas are not real.

I can only assume they went extinct years ago and people would just be upset so we created the idea that they are still out there. Every video is of them rolling around falling off stuff being generally fun and cute.

Clearly, all just bloaks in suits. Simpsons also kind of predicted this years ago when Homer became Mr Burns' prank monkey and ended up being covered in panda love.

Respect. Not real. Bloaks in suits. It's obvious. I have thought before that pandas look a bit expressionless. Like, it's like they're wearing a mask. Do you remember when we put, like, the Elton John and the Ed Shearing mask on? Don't remember.

No. I remember Ed Shearing and Elton John being on the pod. I don't remember that. It was around that time. That's what panders look like. Who's ever seen one in the wild? It's only about six left, isn't it? You know what I mean?

And we're in the North Eastman. into rural China much. No, but you only ever see videos. I'm like, yo. And yes, I've been to rural... That was a hell of a PGL. You don't really see them in the wild. It's only ever in captivity.

You see the videos. I understand they're endangered. But I've never seen a video of a panda in the world. And if they're straight men in the suits, it explains why they're not fucking. There you go, because they don't want to... Because they're going, they're just going, fuck all the time.

And it's John going, I'm not into it. When Ed and Brazil go, we need two gay guys and make this really believable. Even if they wear it into it, it would make new pandas. It should be fellas fucking in suits. We don't know yet, because it's all straight, Ben. There's only, there's only 1900 left in the world. Pandas!

That's scotty. Pandas! But around 700 of those are in captivity. There you go. What are they killed for? Or is it just because they don't fuck? Are they hunted for like panda, like nails? Panda pops.

That's panda blood. I don't get them no more. It's all honky pop now. They've got to be pretty... What's their predator? What's eating? What, in the wild? A panda's just like...

Schofield. Nice. Are they the ones with chlamydia? Is that koalas? That's koalas. Is it just... Snow leopards. What about them?

And yellow-throated Martins. I don't know what that is. Sounds racist. Yellow-throated Martins does sound problematic. Bit of a yellow-throat of Martin, you know what I mean? And the what? Jackals.

We saw lots of jackals in Africa, didn't we? We did. Very common the jackal. Love a snow leopard. They're going at Chester Zoo. Is there snow leopards in China? There's snow in China, so. There's nine million bicycles in Beijing.

I thought China was just dead hot. I thought it was like, if it wasn't for who's running it, we'd all be there on our thumb and all of these. Isn't the Himalayas in? Part of the Himalayas near China. The Himalayas? Himalayas. When the Paul's like near China?

They look like jeans. They're emalayas. Darren Whitesitesites, sir. I want to see if there's any phone snow leopards on China. Well, there must be. Because they've been eating all the pandas. During panda hour. Go on.

Yes. The world's largest population is snow leopards. It's a snow leopard central. Over 60%. Where did you have snow leopards in your head? Greenland. Iceland. Finland.

America? America. Anywhere snowy. They've got gorgeous tail snow leopards. They're primarily found in high altitude mountains of Xinjiang. Tibet and I don't know how to say that last one. Did I say the Himalayas?

Did I say wrong? You said Hemalayas. Chin Kai? You said like the bottom of your jeans like the hem. But it's the He Himalayas. It's great to learn, isn't it? Adam Nixon says, all right, Lids.

It's got a low-level conspiracy for you. When jar lids are put on in the factory, they are tightened perfectly in a way that the average female struggles to open them. But the average male can get them off fairly easy to maintain a gender imbalance in society. Wow. When was the last time you opened the jar for a woman?

Is that just on the Sally? Did you? Yeah, my mum's got arthritis. Yeah, she has. What was her jar off? I think it was apple sauce. I can't really remember. Did you have not as well?

What was she having? Apple sauce. And toast. Now, can Serica... What? I don't know what she was that way. Could Rob Thomas fuck off? You talk to ask me.

Answer it. Answer it. Answer it. Cry and ass. Rob, if you want to watch the fucking Patreon exclusive, sign up, mate. I've sent him the link. We're recording. And I can't even hear your answer. Love you, bye. Fucking disgrace.

It's three quid. He's asked me for the link because we speak about the party and he wants to hear about it. Sign up at patreon.com. Don't be a Rob Thomas. Apple sauce on toast. I was just joking. I don't know what she was having. Is Serica strong in upper body or is she so proud that she'll just just...

fuck a jar into the wall to prove a point. I don't know jars we've got. Jam? You're not eating jam? Yeah, but she'll get like one of them like peely ones. I mean? Like a fresh jar. Like a fresh jam. What? I think she's using jelly as jam.

No, if you never brought like a proper like artisan jam? It's got like a paper top with liquor. Oh, I know. We're not really a jar house. Yeah, we're not really either. Branson Pickles, the only jar I have. That's not true. You've got the chili thing that Alex very kindly bought me.

Chili crisp. Yeah, I have that on toast. Yeah. Lord. Are you a jarney house? Full of jars, man.

You're a raster. Got lemon curd. Nice. Thanks. You still love lemon curd when I was a kid. I haven't eaten that for fucking years.

But yeah, I imagine Seneca go, she'd give her a go. Don't she go open it? I don't think it's to keep men in power. They're just smash it open if they needed

the lemon curd inside. One more. Oh, go on, sorry. I'm just going to say, I mean, it's not way. I'm great opening jars because my hands,

because my hands are wrinkly. That checks out. I get like extra leverage. Why your hand's wrinkly? Look at the state of them. They're always wet. He's got old man hands at 25. Is it because you're nervous

so your palms are always sweaty? Your knees are weak. Arms are heavy. And I spill loads of stuff on me top as well. He's always got spaghetti on him. I think it's genetic because my mum has wrinkly hands as well. She's older though, isn't she?

If we high-fived at the right angle, we just get stuck. There's interlock. Which is your favourite of the week, Carl? Give me a little refresh on them again. I have deleted them so that I didn't reread them. It's got to be pandas. I like pandas.

Gotta be pandas. Because I all kind of believe it. Pandas. Band doesn't keep a single bit of correspondence any longer than his eyes. I've seen, you know... My laptops go in the bin. I'm turning it on for two days.

Fuck off. Just like, I like everything clean. Organised. Gone. Oh, gone. The best thing to do. Don't keep on to things. It's down with Jeffrey Epstein.

There'd have been no problems, you know. There'd be no... It's been like, yeah. I'll get your 17 kids. You can bum them all. And delete them. No, wuddies. But what about the receipt?

That's how they get you. Uh, Jess says, hi boys. Need some advice. Hi, Jess. I'm pregnant and due in a few weeks' time. My boyfriend's parents have spent close to a grand... That would actually ruin me getting pregnant and said,

by the way, because they'd say that. And I'd laugh every time. I'd laugh at a brother, doctor, come on. All right, Jess, I'm going to start it again because we've got ourselves into a little bit of a, you know, tunnels-based wordplay fun. Jess says, hi, boys, need some advice. I'm pregnant and I'm going to have the baby in a few weeks' time.

Shitos. My boyfriend's parents have spent close to a grand on a new pram, which we were really grateful for. However, they've taken the liberty of building the pram themselves in their house, which is known to be really bad luck, both because it was built before the birth and because it wasn't built in the baby's home. How do I tell them that there's no way

we can accept this pram now as it would bring bad luck to the house and that they're going to have to keep it or try and return it. And that's from Jess. Isn't the superstition it needs to stay in someone's house until the baby's born? I thought that was the only superstitious.

But Jess definitely doesn't think that. She thinks that it has to be built after the birth and built in the baby's home. Have you ever heard this before? Honestly, my mother-in-law bought our first pram and she could have done it two years before Etta was due. My mother-in-born. I couldn't give her flying shit about this.

Not meant to be built specifically. Maybe they're taken out for test drives. By the way, she said, I've got to tell them to either try and retain it or keep it. Like, what are you keeping it for? Come on, Billy. We're off on a walk. We have it.

A pram's a grand. Really good. prams gets spenny. What makes a pram good? There's detachable thing. The way, yeah, yeah, I've really got a like soup to one. Bounces.

You've put Nando's in your pram. You most recently bought two prams? Yeah. So you know what a good pram is. I bought strollers. Like the way of folder that was cool on there. The way they fold, they've also got the thing

where they've got loads of, the sort of seat bit is detachable and it's got three or four different things as the baby grows. So initially brand new baby, then it goes and how easily it folds, you can spend well more than a grand. Like a transformer, Optimus Pram.

That was good. Nice. I like that. I hate superstitions, and this is... You can't say I'm not having it. See, I can't laugh too much because I say hello to every magpie I ever see.

Sederica does the fucking... It doesn't cost you a grand. No, but like if... If me and Alex had a baby and E.M.R. did this. And Alex was like, well, we can't have it now. I'd be like, fucking shut up. What you can do is you can, you could say, oh, do you know, this is meant to be bad luck?

You can jokingly be like, do you know, this is meant to be bad luck? So if something happens to the baby now and sure, I'll take the problem. And then if the baby does die or get shot or something, you can't then blame them. And that would alleviate all your grieving. No, but you're blaming them. There's, there is a pregnant lady, third trimester.

She's large. The hormones are going, wow. This isn't an easy one to just go, hey, what a load of shite. Don't worry about it. You know what I mean? Like, I think you do that. You go,

you go, isn't it meant to be bad luck? And then if they go, oh yeah, go. Just, let's swap it. Can you cancel it out? Like your smash loads of mirrors. Genuine, it's, yeah.

An alternative is putting a silver coin in the pram for good luck. Oh, they used to do that impressed them when we went to town. Didn't he? Didn't he? What? He used to put it in the puddings,

didn't he? Yeah. They did, didn't he? Yeah. Like Christmas pudding. They used to fill puddings with coins and I thought we got no teeth. Is that true? Yeah.

I remember an old lady putting some coins in my sister's pram. That's got to be one of my earliest memories. But I don't remember... If you gift a purse as well, you meant to put money in her? I meant to gift an empty purse. It's all just bollocks in here. You can do anything, really. You can't do it, you want to explode.

Where's the coin in puddin? Christmas pudding. The tradition of hiding a silver cup. and traditionally a six-pence meant to bring luck, wealth and prosperity. Have a full night out with that. When we had New Year,

my mum used to do the superstition of anyone who had the lightest hair, you had to lock them outside for New Year. Was that you by any chance? It's so much child. Yeah. The name, the name Harry has to be locked outside for three weeks.

It was mine until my mum died of air. And then it was there for a bit. It's like she wanted to be locked out. For New Year's Day, I used to have to have more... His mum and dad was just shagging at midnight on New Year's Eve. No, we have to lock in the garden for a minute. I wish. You know, there's something...

I was like, I said, I wish. They're more like the kind of happy marriage thing that my parents are shagging. I was conceived on New Year, on the Millennium. I'm a Y2K baby. Millennium bug. Did they not think you were going to... They thought they were going to die. They thought the planes were going to crash.

And he accidentally had you. Leave it in. It's all finished. See, that's why I'm born for the... Oh, wow. Leaving in. Add he's in the garden, leave it in. It's why I'm born for the apocalypse.

No, this is his conception. Oh, shit, yeah. He's in the garden. Who's Annie? Did you think I'm in the baby? I used to have to walk into my nans out with a bag of coal and salt on New Year's Day. I never really knew why.

Do you have a coal fire? Can you Google that? Salt's for spirits. I know that. I used to have to be the first person. over the threshold on New Year's Day. That's who brings the look in. The first person in after midnight brings the look into the house.

Yeah, I used to be holding coal and salt. Oh, is she a witch? What's going on? No, she's Irish family so that all... Oh, then I'd be more respectful. Was she Scottish? No Irish, but it's Gaelic in. Have you never heard of bringing in the new year?

Yeah. So when you go out your house with all your family and say it, you know, like, hi you're Billy, are you gay in it? To the people in the street, and that? At midnight? Yeah. Right. But I didn't know that was a tradition as well.

Do you look outside at the mid-lade? Yeah, we all got... I wake up the children who've been asleep for three hours. We're going to go and shout at the neighbours now. Morning, Billy. Morning. Have you got salt and coal? Who's the lightest hair child in your house? Lock him in the fucking garden.

Do you look at all sides? Here's sixpence. Put it in a bit of toast. Thank me later. You'll have no teeth, but years of good luck. We're all insane. What's your midnight happens? You just like...

Higher the volume up on the telly. At midnight? Do you try and text someone when you're pissed and it don't work? I just go in the street automatically. I don't know why. Do you go and see... Have you never done that? Wait, do you go in the street?

Do you go in the street? Yeah, I go in the street. Yeah, of course. Never. What the... To get coal off the coal, man, to come back in with a biscuit, two bits of salt

and 19 bits of coal for a coal fire that doesn't exist. You've also got to be the first person to say like any sort of sentence at the start of the year, haven't you? Otherwise, what happens? Well, like... So you're having a conversational argument

with Lorraine from three doors down? No. Happy New Year! No, I said it first. Fuck you, Lauren. No, but you can say like Crocodiles where Timberlands at midnight. No one else has said that that year.

You have. Christopher Biggins has yellow hair. Like, you're the first person to have done that. Hey, listen, I might be 108 years old, but you're all mad guns here. What's the call thing? Maybe it's a working class thing. Uh, me and my name was dead working class.

You go in the street and you, with the neighbours, and you do a little bit all, you go, what's happening? Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, see you next Tuesday, and then you go in. You don't sit any else like, well, bloody out, midnight. See you next Tuesday? Just called someone to come? I think it's done on like

estates, like, like council estates, do you know what I mean? Yeah, you don't do it, because the only person who can eat is bonding and he's three acres over. It's a hogmany. Yeah, the hogmany. Different for us growing up, you know. You got out of your little hut on the estate, you know, and the call was all you got for

Christmas that year, so you took it in and was, is this good luck, mum? Yes, little lad. him, this will hate us for weeks. Fucking bullshit. Hang on, so Midnight strikes now are home with you. And what do you do? Gets his dick out for Laura. Is that what you do?

Yeah, because we have to start the New Year with a fuck. Because we have to be the first person to fuck on the street. That's what she's very competitive like that. I try, honestly, if I try and bang her in November, she's like, what's the point? But what do you do to bring in the new year, genuinely? play a YouTube of fireworks going off on a countdown at like half nine and trick the children in to think they've seen.

They're not got watches? Yeah, Jack's got a watch, yeah. He's like, I go, this is shite. What a load of bollocks. I'm off into the street to shout at Lorraine. Is there no way of telling the time in your house or other than the oven?

No, he's not got there. Itter would, etters. I genuinely don't know what we did. I think we all, I think we just did an early, counter. Did you kiss? Surely he had to stay up now. Yeah, yeah.

Come here, that. No, but you kissed your wife. It's a working class thing. You kiss your wife at midnight. You kiss the person you love. First, you kissed... Is this me?

It's not just me? Midnight, you kiss someone. You go outside, you're saying with the name... Not if you're already asleep. No, that... No, none of you to sleep. Don't kiss sleeping people. But I...

That's sometimes sexy, though. Just wait until midnight and go, hey, happy new year, love you. Comey. Come here. This is mental. You sound shite. These idiots wandering around the street, we're fucking.

What do you do, midnight? On New Year's Eve. He's off his teeth. You really laugh. Oh, this is doing my own. Maybe it is just a working class thing that you proper, like, midnight is like a thing. Yeah.

A middle class hills of Preston and Chester. Yeah? Oh, sorry, I was eating me caviar. The middle class hills of Preston. A well known. What time is it, Laura? My ivory backscratchers knocked the clock off the wall.

That has never been said. You're the first this year to say it. Guess what time is? It's time for Dan versus food. Oh, you're hungry to dad. Holy shit. That'd be caviar. If you are a Patreon, you will know.

We were discussing pastries on a recent Patreon episode. Listen, can I just... For my OCD. Food. Don't mind this, you know. Don't mind this. That's good. This is good.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Hang on. Are these nice ones? Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Dan versus food. Dan is a 45. Thank you very much. Your old man with food phobias.

He's scared of certain foods. He gets like all like a... What's the word? Afrid. So basically, there's a pastry shop about four and a half miles from where I live called Mom Petty Shoe. And this is a really good pastries.

Good gal. Now, as I already mentioned to you this morning, I've bought three. Now, you've pulled that out and being upset. Why have you bought all the busiest cunt pastries? So this one is a jalapino cheese whirl. Wow.

This one is a ham and cheese croissant. Now, here's the thing. Are you sure? It is, yeah? But here's the thing. I know you like that one, but also that's actually for my lunch. Should have just said nothing.

And this one, which is the one I'd really like you to try, this is a doffin-ois and basil pesto. Oh, wow. Show the camera of them. Oh, yeah. Oh, that is a beauty. Oh, yeah.

I'm working class. I used to eat these every fucking New Year's Eve, dof and wire. You wrap. Not cheap then, mate. Get it down your bloody gullet. This is just cheese and spicy. Oh, let me see if I can struggle through this one.

Cheese and spicy. Oh my god. It's a fucking nacho pastry. Oh, you naughty little bit. Dan's, you're dancing. Oh, my God. Where's it from? Well, that's not very fun.

Oh. Let's take that away. Oh. So you'd eat that again, I'm guessing, yeah. But you'll never buy it. This is what happens all the time. You try the food. You go, oh, this is.

fucking well nice, then. You never have it ever again. Yeah, we just get that an 11 out. That is spectacular. Oh, well done. Dan versus... Where's the bin? This is a dolphin war.

All right. Okay. Do you know what doffinwa is? I probably don't want to. Dolphins. It's just potatoes. It's not just potatoes. No, what you're looking at is the green bit,

and that is a basil and pistachio pesto. Oh, that actually sounds class. Big bite. Busy, busy bastard. Go on. A-Smart. That was a big. Oh, he's got the dough from what.

Uh-oh. His confidence is lacking though. Now do we tell him what it is. What? It's tuna. Oh. Say something. Go on.

Get that green bit in your mouth. Wow. We didn't hesitate. A fucking bolt. Way. Welcome to pastry. Are you going to start eating pastries now? I love dolphins.

That's good that. Yeah. Well done. You've come a long way since you had Greg's and threw up in a bin. Not even in the same universe as Gregs is it?

Yeah. It's in the same universe. Different solar system. Yeah. I'll give you that. I agree with that. Yeah. Good gear that.

That would be one of my go-toes. I was really excited when I've seen that. But I just like a ham and cheese, man. So that's for me. You can have them for your lunch. Tremendous. Was that a successful, Dan, this is? Sorry, out of 10.

Out of 10 for both of them. Eight. There is no number. It's beyond. You're going to eat it now. Absolutely sensational. I'd rather have quassant early and then nachos later. But if you can't, you're a busy woman.

Yeah. Wow. Proud of you then. All right. I'm true. Time for a break. We'll be back with my friend Ed Hedges. Nice.

We've added another mustache to the studio. Oh. Ed Hedges, ladies, you know. Oh, I've just clapped like an absolute mung. It's just done back for us. little while. Five seconds. Are we allowed to say that?

You say whatever you want. Sick. To your mouth. Is this the most mustaches that have ever been in the studio? I just don't think it counts if you've got the beard attached. I don't know.

No, you doesn't count. If you've got, if your mustache is thicker than that. You've got a mustache. I think. I think to have a mustache. To have a mustache,

you've kind of got to own it. You've got to have everything clean. Yeah. Because that's a very bold look. So you don't think you've got a mustache. I think I have a mustache as part of a greater situation going on on my face. Yeah, this is a look. But if I shaved all this off, then there's like...

Yeah, Victorian Strongman mustache is what you're... That's the one. Yeah, that's a real statement. Like Bronson. Yeah, that's full tash. And then there's where Ed is, and then you're another level towards the beard. It's mad that Bronson doesn't own that mustache, in it?

I know what you meant there, but if someone's got one of them, people don't go, oh, he's got a Bronson. I think it's because he never went as full. far as Hitler. Hitler's got that mustache, do I mean? It's not distinct either.

Because like, Freddie Kruger, Luther and Freddie Mercury. Quinn, he had like a proper handlebar, didn't he? Yeah. So I think you've got to do something

with the ends of it. Yeah. You got to do a little, whew, with the bottom bit. And that's when people remember you. Or lack thereof.

Yeah, but I thought Bronson did have a little, me, but he did other stuff, didn't he? It's hard to be like, Bronson, the guy with a mustache instead of Bronson, the known serial killer.

Yeah, but what I mean is... He's a serial killer? Yeah. Wait, okay, hang on. Charles Bronson, isn't a serial killer? He killed more than one person, didn't he? No, but he killed them in jail. They still count as people in jail.

There's still people. I would call Charles Bronson a serial killer. Yeah, but that's because you wrong? No. Harry, he's not a serial killer, is he? And we know a lot about Charlie. We've, you know... So what do you mean he only killed them in prison?

What's he in prison for then? Not killing people? What's he moved? Well, he must be in prison for killing people now. No, he stayed in prison because he's just, so violent. Assault. Assault. Numerous violent assault.

Hostage taken and severe prison in discipline. Serial killer. Has he ever killed anyone? Pretty sure he's got one person. He doesn't think so. He's not a serial killer. He's not even a killer. He must have. You can't go to prison for assault. There are people in the village I grew up that assaulted people every weekend. You have to do something really special.

No, he went to prison for assault. Someone has to press charges. I mean, he's taking him. Gary. He's taking 11 hostages. That'll do it. No, he should have got out, but he was gone in there. I want to fuck shit up

and that's why he's still there. He shouldn't still be there. He's taken 11 hostages. All at once. I don't think that was like, fool me once. Fill me 11 times. Shame on the system.

Yeah. So we took 11 hostages, but what did he want? Like an helicopter or something? The first team. They normally want a helicopter, aren't they? Hostage takers.

Even in prison? Yeah. Give me a. helicopter. Is this the Bronson opening you were hoping for it? Oh, you liked it? It says he was to battle against the system. He held 11 hostages in nine different sieges

to create chaos and gain attention. 9-11. Describing it as a phase. It's just a... It's all connected, man. It's all connected. And his name is Salvador now, isn't it? Salvador Bronson's his name now. Because he's an artist. After the Dali fella?

He draw clocks as well. All he does, all is just draw big. Jiz and Cox. Call me Salvador Plansom one. Or I'll take hostages and they're like, yeah, Salvador, go for it, lad. Who's Manson?

What? Marlon. Charles Manson. From the cult. Yeah. The Manson family. I was mixing them up initially. They sound like a really fun like that.

We're all in a call will kill ourselves today. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did.

Didn't they do something to a Hollywood actor? Yeah. Yeah. Pretty famously. Sharon Stone. Not Sharon Stone. From Basic Instinct. Sharon Tate.

Sharon Tate. You Shannon Stolt? From Basic Instinct. Gasly. Oh, once upon a time in Hollywood. Yeah, yeah. Ow. Yeah.

That's their, isn't it? Yeah, it's a different end. It didn't happen later. Because no one died and that would us. Was Bruce Lee really involved with the Manson's family? Because he was in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. But that pit wasn't either. Is it not?

No, but. It's a fucking point of the first. It isn't a documentary, Ed? No, but Brad Pitt isn't in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Black Pitt. Wow. Black Pitt.

Black Pitt. You didn't believe Brad Pitt was a thing. Brad Pitt. No, that's what I'm saying. Brad Pitt isn't in it. Black Pitt was? Bruce Lee is in it. Isn't he?

Yeah. As in, no. Someone plays Bruce Lee. Yeah. That's what I mean. Yeah. That's why I did this. Follow along.

I got it. Brad Pitt isn't in it. Brad Pitt's in it. Yeah. Bruce Lee is in it. been played by someone else? Yep. So was Bruce Lee?

No. Charlie Manson's right-hand man? No. It'd be a powerful right-hound as well. But after a quick Google search, Bruce, Bruce was suspected of killing Sharon Tate for a little while by Roman Polanski.

Well, Palansky was banging her, wasn't he? What? Yeah, she was pregnant with his. Plansky was banging her. Who is Roman Polansky? A disgraced film director. Isn't he a kiddie fiddler?

Yes. Right. He'd love the island, but he was pre-island. That must be gutting to have been a paedophile just before the island. And you miss out on like, club top of common. Yeah, like footballers who got paid 80 quid a week and they're like, neither on 200 grand. There was an island of him and they couldn't go anywhere. Kid fucking.

Kid fucking. But he could have continued into his older age if he wanted to go. No, he's stuck in France, isn't he? Because if he goes anywhere else, he'll, he's going to get. get arrested. Why is that the rule? Why France call with him being a paedophile, but like Austria? Just the French man. He's got compromise on Macron. He's got compromise on Macron. What's one of it is? Sounds yummy though. That comes in a jar, don't it? I'll have a bit of compromise on that machon, please, love. Uh, is, he's, he's in France because he's from France

and the French don't extradite their own citizens. Like Hong Kong. But do they not punish them? Huh? Do they not punish their citizen? Is the European? Is the European? Is the European? that want him arrested. He done the crimes in the US. Yeah. So he went, he's a big time nuns. Yeah.

He's hiding in France. So America's like, he's a paedophile in the French. Like, he's just fucking French. Oh, what, that was Bruce Lee.

Two pints. It's been a frenetic start this, by the way. For us. This is moving. He just wanted a scene where Brad Pitt threw Bruce Lee against a card,

didn't he? It's cool as fuck. It's a cool as fucksy. I haven't seen the movie. What? Wow. No, I can't really.

sit three movies. I've got a really short attention span. Oh, it's long as well. So I... You know watch films? Well, no. I used to walk out, like, walk around in the cinema a lot as a kid. And then I thought it was just because I was a kid. But then I started doing it in my 30s and I was like, fuck. Yeah, see, my son does that. But if he's still doing it, how old are you had? I'm 32. Yeah, it's going to be

I'm going to have... You walk around in the cinema? Yeah, well, I say I'm going to go and get a snack. I got ADHD ADHD pretty bad. Oh, so you walk around outside, not like... No, no, no. I go to get a snack, but then I end up just fucking about in the aisle. and so like people don't want to go with me no more. What was the last film you managed to sit through? The whole way through?

Yeah. Emperor's New Groove. It's a banger. That's the only piece of cinematography where I've been like, yes. Tell me more. Can I come film? You just have that immediately.

Whole way through, Emperor's New Grove. I do remember it, yeah. It was good. That's a good film. It's a great film. Is that the one with all like... Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, maybe. You're committed to it. I do know what you mean. Not like llamas or alpacas or something, aren't you? Yeah. The emperors, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think he's a llama.

Yeah. Yeah. What was the visual? Oh, yeah, Emperor's music. If I did this? If I did this, I go and see this in the cinema? Well, you go on see the Hempers in a group, of course. Starring Mick Jagger.

It's the live action remake. They're doing that for all the Disney's. I actually got told off. Three days ago. I tried to watch movie three days ago. This is going to sound like I've pulled this out my house, but I tried to watch Project Hell Mary in Camarvan. Yeah.

And because I've read the book. In Camarvan? Yeah. It's not a new film. That's not in the film title, is it? No. It's not like Debbie does tell us. It's just Project Helmarry.

No spoilers. I've not seen it yet. I know it's been awful a while. Wild bar. No spoilers, but I've read the book. It took me fucking ages. But I've read the book. And because I've read the book,

I was on my phone. And someone behind me was like, you leave. I was like, yeah? And I left. Sorry, didn't want to go anywhere. That sounded like you wanted to leave. I was desperate.

I was desperate. The second the popcorn runs out and the drinks are so big and I've got a really small bladder, I'd start panicking. What were you doing on your phone? Looking at like the plot for the film or? Reels, just reels. Oh, you would have kicked your phone into the screen. Not full volume.

Not full volume. I had no volume on the rules because they put words on these things, don't they? Why am I in the fucking? What's your, what's the biggest nightmare? ADHD, why? because you've got it bad. We've got some floating around here for free. I've had to do...

What's the situation where you go, oh, I am going to... This is going to get me ticking. Two things get me real bad. Well, the thing I hate is needing to go to toilet in the car that the second I shut the door, if it's a longer than an hour trip, I instantly need a shit.

And I don't like shit in places that aren't home. Long flights get me. Really long flights. Because I used to be like sort of 12 stone heavier than I am now. and I've still got that in my head. So I keep my elbows real tight and my knees are all together because people used to sit next me

and be like, ugh, gross, side thigh. So now I have to keep everything real in and when I get on planes, you guys look at me like, I'm the biggest fucking idiot in the world. I know how this is working.

You make yourself small. I make myself small. I make myself small. And then I get pissed off because I'm so small and lickle. And then I start to freak out and I'll go for a walk. So you give yourself claustrophobia because of your own posture.

Yeah, yeah. I get claustrophobia in my own skin. I have to get it off. You were 12 stone. heavier. Oh, he was a chunk man. I knew him back then, but... No, you never. Oh, wait, it was just before I knew you. So he was, he was a bit of a chunk when we first met him. But he was, he was a bigger chunk before we ever knew him. When you met me, I was like, Blades of Glory. I was, right, you were fine. I was doing

my victory lap at that point. Right. Yeah. I was, uh, my heaviest was 24 stone. Um, when are we, when are we, so you're 32 now? Yeah. When are we talking? We met when you were 19, I think. Yeah. 2014, big value. Yeah, I was 20 stone then. Wow. Yeah. No, I think he must have lost a bit more by... I don't remember you being 20 stone.

I might have been down to about 18 then. Maybe, yeah. I was heavier than you. I was a good site heavier than you and bigger than you. Because I remember we were stood in the courtyard of the three sisters in Edinburgh and I looked at you and I was like, oh, I'm further out than Adam.

And then we stood like, I was behind you and I was like, oh, I'm wider than him as well. Did you go behind me to check me? That's Sarah Milliken. That's Ed Hedges. Oh, no. That's head head. Who's she hugging?

Yeah, that's me. Big lad. Yeah. What happened then? A switch went off and you were just like, I'm done with this. Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah. Pretty much. I got really low, what were we talking about before? I felt like I've taken ourselves. A cinema. Cinema. Yeah,

I make myself from small and I freak out. Air stewardists get really annoyed at me. I've never had an air stewardess that liked me, ever. Because you're just, like, constantly moving.

I'm all over the plane. I don't know where to. Do you ask them, whether they, Like, yeah. No, you can tell. No, you absolutely can tell. You can tell.

Once you beat the people. Yeah, there was that Welsh one who wants us to fuck you, wasn't there? David. David. David. Oh, Robert. Hello, sir. Welcome back to British Airways business class.

I was like, David, I can show you. I am too tight to have ever been here before. Oh, let me just tuck you in. It was nice. Honestly, I don't mind a tension from a gay guy. I'm like, well, at least someone wants to fuck me. I think it's always a compliment when someone wants to fuck you. It's when you let them fuck you.

That's when it's gone too far, isn't it? If you don't want them to... It depends if you're single and you, you know, you want to be left pooters. The gays were the only one that want to fuck me when I was big. Oh, because you were to bear. Yeah. And you could always tell because they'd see me and be like,

wha ha ha! They'd be like that. Now that is a challenge. You turn them... Ed from a small village, so they've combined gay town and China's own. I would see them turn their head as they were driving past on the motorway.

Like, there's a big one. Like a white whale. They used to come for me in clubs. I was in Nottingham, high-fi. And the first time I ever had like a... a little moment where I was like, I could fuck it was, was I was walking, it was like New Year's Eve,

and my friend was at Nottingham University, I didn't go university, can you tell, and he invited me to his house, and we went out, we were in the high-fi, and I was all trying to walk through the crowd, this guy grabbed my arm and held it for like ages and made like fuck eyes at me. Go on, I was like, oh, what's four guys? Huh?

Give us your fuck eyes. So they're coming there? This one here? Yeah. You're going to do this to me? Yeah. Oh, Lord. That's what I'm it.

Thank you, Finn. I like it. And here's the twist. He was black. What? Twist. The first person that ever was like sexually interested in me

and I'm as white as they come was a gay black man. Yeah. How cool is that? I can't say that was for me, maybe. I don't know. I haven't got the exact same story.

I was never in Nossingingham trying to fuck gay black guys. It was just never. Hang on, I wasn't trying. You doff the test too much. Wasn't out there. I was never in Lotton.

Oh, no. I mean, no. Um, what was the, um, what was the switch that, where we were? What was the switch that made you want to lose all the weight? Um, there were loads of like, you have loads of like, because you're, you've, like, you've lost a heap of weight. Cause, um, come on. No, but you know, it's horrible, isn't it?

Every time you go to a hip-hop now, it's a fucking nightmare. Just chasing you around, you're all sweaty. The both of you have like dropped huge amounts of weight, right? So you know. Yeah, I never got to the weight where gay black guys like me, but little Welsh gay dudes. Try it out, Daniel. Love me. It is nice.

I had loads of bits where I was like, I'm done. I'm doing a fad diet. And I've got no patience at all for people that are like, you know, I'm thinking about it. And you'd think because I was heavier before that I'd be really like pro people trying to lose weight. I've got no patience at all. Like, because I think you're either going to fucking do it or you're not. And like, if you're addicted to motivation for people being like, all you got to do is think, who can I, fuck you?

Like, you are or you're not? You did just go for it, didn't you? You've declined ever since in weight. I've had a couple of blips. Yeah. Yeah. I went to America and going to Stone. Oh, really?

Up to what, though? Went up to 15. Yeah, I mean, that's okay, isn't it? Yeah, no. I think right now I'm kind of floating between the sort of 12 and a half and 15. It's okay as long as you weren't in America. for like eight days. No.

How long were you there? Making my own foie gras. I was, yeah. I was there for a little bit. It took me about a year to lose eight stone. How were you doing? What was your thing? Stopped eating as much.

I started eating. I remember you telling me about this. Like, and this wasn't even, I think this is when we lived with Dimitri for a fringe. That's because you were there at that fringe, weren't you? And we were just talking about how we stole a wheelchair. and then we realized that we might have,

we shouldn't talk about this. What we did was that, that he went, we're not going to talk about this on the pod. And then you went, yeah, we are. I get excited.

This is the ADHD. I get, I think of something. I'll be like, oh, this will be fun to throw it out there. It will be. Let's be honest.

But I, like, the, not to get all serious, but like, you told me that, because I remember coming to you and going, you've lost a lot of weight

and kept it off, and I want to do the same thing. And did you go down to like 800 calories a day? Like it was really extreme. Way lower than that. For a period of about two months, I was down to like 500. I'd buy two, 250 calorie ready meals from Tesco's.

I'd eat one in the morning and then one before I went to bed. So, and then just, I'd just raw dog the day. But like the symptoms were, like your fingernails were falling on shit, weren't they? I put my hand down on a, I was going to an open mic when I first started, so this must have been like 2013.

My hand down on a train table when all the fingernails came off my right hand. What the fuck? I've spoken someone about it. My fascia, the thing that holds you sort of together, that must have just because if you start losing like I had like clumps of my hair coming out and yeah it went weird you can have problems with your teeth as well if you lose if you're

under calorie for too long that was the thing that the doctor told me where I stopped because I know I know how expensive teeth can be so I was like if these like I can buy a wig but I can't I can't do dentures when I'm like so I fixed it I ate more but yeah it was it got ropey there for you just drinking like five liters of water a day how can like having done diets he wasn't counting the calories and alcohol he was having like 10 times

yeah right because there's a level of hunger where you like I couldn't get past a certain level of hunger you have to go through a trial and error phase like I learned very quickly that you can't just chew gum

because that gives you the shits if you have too much chewing gum you just get real bad squirts I used to just chew ice when I was hungry and there'd be like a 30 second period when my brain would be like you're not hungry anymore and be like, wait.

Wow. But that only lasted for a little bit and then I got much more healthier. It's just, I used that to get off the first sort of like. So how much did you lose in that period? Like two and a half stone over two, three months. Do you think the ADHD sort of helps with that level of discipline? I don't, like, because most people just wouldn't be able to

even attempt that level of like discipline to be like, I'm starving, but I'll just have some ice. Was it like your attention to detail and? Yeah. hyper-focused on it, definitely. Right. I would weigh myself like nine, ten times a day. Yeah, it was definitely like an eating disorder for like two months,

but I don't feel like I had an eating disorder for long enough where I can, like, it can be my truth. You're like your fingernails though. Yeah, well, yeah, but then I- But at that point he was like, I don't want to do that anymore. It's like, imagine if you drove your car off the road and you were definitely going to crash, but then you went, uh-and-and-one on the road. You can't say you crashed.

I just got real fucking closed. Oh, you were nearly there. Yeah. But then I pulled it back. and now we are fine. We just don't think about it. Do you not think about calories anymore or you're still like sort of mindful of it because you don't want to go back?

No, I just sort of play by you, really. Played by you. I just try and eat twice a day now. As long as I eat twice a day, like it sort of keeps me under putting weight on. Breakfast lunch guy or lunch dinner guy? Brunch tea. No, that makes sense.

A late breakfast, early. lunch. Yeah, I can survive until... If I eat in the morning, I'm hungry in the afternoon, then I'm if I don't eat in the morning. Weirdly, it wakes me up to eat. I don't...

Like, I've had a ham and cheese croissant today. That's all I've had so far. And then later on, I'll have like a massive Chinese and that keeps me under my calories. He didn't have two meals. It works like that. I don't know if I've had it working like that.

Yeah, no, that's it. What about with gigging though? That's the... I feel like if you're too hungry and you're distracted, you're not putting the best, like, version of you on stage? That always... It was... So I lost most of the way before I was paid for gigs properly.

But then when I won the competition that I won, they started putting me in, like, jonglers when I had five minutes of material. And then I was so filled with shame and regret, I just wasn't hungry. I think Ed's... The jonglers diet? Yeah. I think Ed's a really good example of how the comedy industry just really sort of fucks up some new acts who are really promising.

Because in your first year, you had this five-minute set that, and I never seen it because we didn't meet in that first year, we met after that, but just winning competitions, going and doing open mic nights and killing it with this five-minute set, wins so you think you're funny, which is a new act competition for people who've been

going less than a year. Now, some people do cheat it and go into it a couple of years later because they can lie about when they started and stuff. Which is kind of smart. But he won it, and as part of the prize, First of all, it puts you, the finals at the fringe. So every agent goes through all these big agents and all the like comedy club bookers and TV people

and everyone else is there. And they go, oh, right there, probably the next big thing. As part of it, didn't you get to go to Just for Lafs in Montreal and do like sets at the Just Flass Festival? Yeah. But then also the people in the UK go, oh, he won that with five minutes.

Well, let's put him straight into comedy clubs. And he was doing jonglers within like a year, trying to do 20 minutes in front of Staggin' Hens because he made a room full of Edinburgh. People laugh more than a load of other students. It's a bad part of that prize. It's a bad progression too quickly. If I could go back,

I wouldn't enter that competition at all. Which one was it, by the way? So you think you find it. Oh, okay. I wouldn't do that ever. It messes you up so bad. Because the thing that that's all shit, right? And like dying on your ass in front of all of these,

like the big value thing that we did together. Yeah. People had to like audition for it to get on the bill. and I bombed at every audition and after everyone, someone was like it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. People that did way better.

So you had this really weird bill of like you and Freddie Quinn and Haley Ellis and like fuckers that have been doing it for a while. All line up was me, Vince Atter, Elliot Steele and Ed and it actually worked out fucking phenomenally for me

because everyone in the industry came to see him and Elliot Steele. And it just meant that I got to perform. The room was full pretty much every day because it was the lunchtime big value show. It's like 150 people, always a good audience. There was no limit on what we could say.

So like that sort of added, there'd be families in, but because it was advertised as 18 plus, whatever. I got to go on as a host and be like, I'm not saying this is the most creative thing in the world, but back then, you know, I'm a 21 year old or 22 year old compere. And there'd be like a family in

and I'd be like, I'm a mate, you know, I know you've got your kids, but you just let you know there's going to be swear words here. And they'd always be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd just get the kid to call his dad the cunt. Yeah.

And it'd get a big laugh. And then a kid said cunt, the acts can say whatever they want, you know what I mean? But like, every day I was having good sets and there's a full room and everyone in the industry wants to come and see him and Elliot Steele.

There wasn't a gig that ended. And our gig finished at about one. Yeah. There wasn't a gig that ended where you weren't at least pissed. No, I wasn't drinking at the lunchtime show. I feel like... We were going for baked potatoes every day.

Oh, yeah, we did. When did you get drunk all those times? Oh, every night? In the night. Yeah? Yeah, that makes sense. It was dark. Yeah.

You're 21-year-old at the first... You did go hard for the full month. Yeah. Very rarely had a day off. Yeah. Absolute hero. At the same time, I'm dying on my ass. Even when I have an all-right gig.

Oh, you were fine. But there was a... real difference between a kid that's been doing it a year with five minutes doing fine and then you who'd been gig in well i was i was already a club comic i was four years in so in comparison even when i had the gig of my life that fringe you would then go up afterwards and just say good night to and it did it became like the adam show because every time we walked on they were like oh i i got away with a lot that year because i think the show was listed as 12.30 to 2pm, I think, or maybe 2.30.

Yeah. And we were told you're only having one break. Yep. So it was me introducing... Vince. No, he was always last. No, I was last. I was... Because remember the... You kept bringing out to weird shit fucking sounds every single day. You bring me out to weird intro music. But it was two acts break and then whoever, like, aired on last. And it just meant that to fill the time.

Because it wasn't like, you know, it was starting. at 12.30, the posters have started this time, finishes at this time. I got about 30 to 40 minutes of stage time every day. So I got to do 20 minutes of crowd work and 20 minutes of material every day and had to to fit what just the tonic wanted. So yeah, I got quite a lot of stage time and was yeah, quite popular with the crowd like. Yeah. It was a harsh lesson for me, but it was a brief insight into the next three years of my life. Because after that, I got booked in all the major clubs with my little five minutes. And the same thing just happened every single time.

Did you do every one of the jonglers? Or was it just a weekend or two? Portsmouth, Bristol, Leeds. I did, I think I did one up north, but I can't remember if it was Manchester. Was there a Manchester one? There was, yeah? I did Manchester one.

No, no, it had been gone by then. Leeds was the Leeds. Manchester went 2001. I did two in London. One was, you did upstairs and then downstairs, and there was like a rumber class next door. It was in like a really gross room. Was it Rumba or Zumba?

Zumba. Oh, right. It wasn't the robot hoover's. No, it wasn't the robot hoovers. Do you mean sway? Sway, nightclub. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That went bad.

Sway, did you ever do sway? No. So, jongler's sway was around the corner from where Top Secret is now. Like you could walk it in three minutes. And they had a basement room which held about 150 and then an upstairs room that held about 400.

And both of them were like nightclub. that they'd just put a black curtain and a mic and gone, we're going to do comedy in here. And comics used to, comics who weren't asked about how gigs went, loved getting jonglers sway, because it was 250 per set. So in the middle of London,

you would get 500 quid cash to do 220s, and that was often 15 and 12 because they're like, we're running over, just do whatever. Three times the going rate for London double. Like, absolutely. And I am, I did, one Saturday night there,

ever. And I go on downstairs. It was the big Australian bought coal or something. No. Oh, yes. Coal, whatever. Yeah, I know who you mean.

Coal, punch it edding. Big dude. Look like a bouncer. Yeah. He was comparing. And we went on downstairs and I did horrendous things about sway. And he went on

and it was a bit tough but fine and they're heckling and whatever. And I think I was open and I went on and they were heckling me and all stuff like that. But I got away with it, do I mean? I dealt with a couple of bits.

You're never going to have your greatest gig. But I come off and I was like, well, for what's meant to be the worst gig in the country? That's fine, you know? And I come off and I was like, yeah, I'm quite happy with that. And they went, yeah, well, you've got to go upstairs now. That's the proper bad one. But I had the arrogance of having just done well at sway in my head. And I was like, I'd be fucking absolutely fine.

And I went upstairs and just as I got upstairs, a glass hit the back of the stage. someone had just threw a glass at the stage and they cancelled the upstairs game and you got paid yeah yeah break time uh break time mr hedges yeah long time friend of mine uh you've had a very successful podcast called wise crack now i uh i don't really listen to podcasts i think the shite and uh Every conversation I've had with an uncle. It's not for me, but someone might enjoy it somewhere at some time. No, honestly, I find, like, I find I'm so, like, hard to...

It's the same reason I don't read, I think. And I nearly sort of asked you about this before, because you were talking about, like, ADHD and that. Yeah. Like, you can't watch a film, but you can read a book. Like, I get to the end of a page and a book, and I'm like, I haven't took a single word of that in. And with podcasts, I can be the same.

Yeah. Like, I can get to the end of, like, you know, a 10-minute section. And I'm like, I haven't listened to a word that can. just said. I'm listening to an audiobook right now. I can't read. I'm the same. But it's the same.

If I look out the window and see like a lovely, like, car, I've missed someone getting murdered and after a rewinder. Yeah. It's insane. So it's like, where you're up to it? I'm like, probably further back than when I started today because I wasn't listening. Stop listening to audio books at the window.

No, in the car. Oh, sorry, right, sorry. I'm listening to fourth week. However, there are some exceptions to this. The podcast serial, which I've recently started again. I could really focus on that. It was an all-time, I want it, series. Yeah.

And yours. It's not mine. It is yours. I'm in it. That'll do. So I put episode one on because I've seen you, and you'd had a bit of a social media absence. I didn't see you posting a lot.

Like, you're not a particularly active social media person, pre-wise crack, which is the name of the podcast. and I seen you start to post about stuff and I was like I'll put it on like I was in the car like going to a gig or whatever and episode one hooked me

and then the rest of it I don't know whether it still is but initially at least was like behind a pay wall and I paid for it I paid for the rest of the thing and I listened to the entire thing and I think it's fucking

really really great and it's winning loads of words and it's I think what really got me about it is I have an active interest, especially in the subject matter, because it's not just like I'm listening to a comedian talk about stand-up. This is my perception of the show, and maybe you've got a different one. I took it as a journalist's inquisitive nature examining the level to which a comedian has the artistic license to embellish details from a story that is based in truth.

Yeah. I mean how deep do you want me to go as deep as you want without ruining the show let's fucking ruin it genuinely yeah okay

let's do it I had a social media absence because of what we talked about before the whole like winning the competition stuff yeah I want to so just I touch it really briefly I won't waste your time but when you win a competition

when you really knew it's the industry saying we like that version of you and that's it A comedian is a good because they grow and they develop And they have kids and they talk about their kids And you don't want a comedian talk about I got the whole media go

That five minutes of you is exactly what we want Never Change And I sort of got creatively I'm very working class I think it's a bit wanky But creatively I kind of stagnated And I got quite jaded

Sort of around 2015, 2016 Going up into the pandemic I was like I remember sitting down and be like, I fucking hate who I am as a comedian. I don't think it's funny. I think it's someone that's worked out

how to make an audience laugh. I don't, I wouldn't pay to see me. I would say that I understand that feeling, but I also think, and I mean this is someone who absolutely loves you and is your friend, you are the most overthinking person

I think I've ever met in my entire life, with stuff like that. So I think part, like, that might be true a little bit, but I also think no matter what you were doing at certain stages, you'd be like, am I doing the right thing? Is this funny?

I would have always have done it, but then I had a day where I kind of looked at what I enjoyed and looked at what I did, and I was like, there are two different things. And why am I doing that? Why wouldn't I want to try and be the product on the market that I can't see, but I really want to be there? That's hard, by the way.

That's not an easy thing to get right in stand-off. And also when stand-up is so tied to who you are as a person and your personal value, and when it doesn't work out, it's not your thing not working out. It's you. You didn't work tonight. Stand-up's brutal.

It's brilliant when it goes well, but when it goes badly, fuck me dead, you can really go to some bad places. And if you had a three-year period of like, anyway, that's why I never posted on social media. So pandemic hit,

um, got a day job, got a regular job. And didn't gig, because I thought, I don't have a plan B. the ADHD is also like, I'm thick as well.

Like I'm so, I don't got CV. Um, so I had to get like some kind of skills. So throughout the pandemic, didn't gig, didn't do anything like that at all. Um,

but, I, didn't wonder where you'd gone and whether you were still gigging or whatever. Because when the pandemic happened, everyone went to like, it was like 30 pound gigs that were drive-through gigs and they were free bet for everyone. And it was me competing with fucking Mark Nelson. I was like, who are you going to pick? So I had to go and like get a plan B.

So anyway, right, that's that. I did a debut show at Edinburgh and it was a story. It was one story all the way through. I'm happy to say it, the actual thing on the podcast. I don't tell me, but I, like, yeah. You lead the way, sir. Okay. I mean, it's absolutely your story, of course,

but the story that you told at Edinburgh, which you had as sort of the main tree trunk of your show with many tangents, that the main story was about the night, a guy murdered his mother and stepdad. Stepdad. Yeah. And then the next place he came to was to your house.

Yeah. but never actually got to you and your family. That was the story. And then the podcast that you've now released Wisecrack, a journalist, a crime journalist from America was at the fringe, was trying to get out of the fucking rain, and was just like, fuck I'll go and see this show, came to your show, and then fell in love with it

and came to see it multiple times. And I heard journalist, it's instinct kicked in and was like, oh my God, this is like the thing I actually do for work. Yeah. And I'm going to research and see how much of this show is true. And then there were certain details that made it feel like you might be making this up. And the podcast is a combination of your show, heard investigating it,

and then you essentially convincing it that you were always telling at least a version of the truth. Yeah, basically. It's a true crime podcast set and the narration is stand-up comedy. and the story is pretty much there. I got bullied through my whole life by one guy from my village. Because he was dead, fuck. One of the reasons. Thanks, Ed.

I actually got bullied. I can't tell it. So I got bullied by the same guy throughout my childhood, dyslexic, fat, crap kid, and he was really popular. And then when I was 18, I left the village, won the competition, started living in London. I didn't go back to the village because I hated it and I kind of reinvented myself a little bit.

Got invited to do a charity gig back at the village, did the charity gig, walked back to my parents' house, and that night, the childhood bully who bullied me in my entire life, had a breakdown, killed his parents, and then came to my house to get me because my face was all over the village.

Me and my parents had to lock ourselves away and stuff. Your face was all over the village because... Because I was doing the gig and it was on a local gig and was like, oh, he's back from the big smoke! Exactly, exactly that. And, uh, And we've all jokes, right? It's the bits of the story that were elaborated were like the joke bits

because it's really hard to tell that story in a comedy club without just... Yeah, without... That sounds like you have a fucking breakdown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to... It is a comedy show. You've got to punch it up a little bit. And going into...

I remember something you said to me, actually. You saw it really early on in Edinburgh. Do you remember this? No, I don't know what I said. You saw me, you saw the show really early on Edinburgh. And you were like, that's good. I went, is it? And you went, yeah.

I was like, tell me. And you went, it's the comedy festival, not the story festival. I was like, okay. Okay. So I put jokes in there. And yeah, it's like a true crime story about my childhood bully, trying to kill my family, narrated by stand up. And it's done all right.

I took it, I did a little tour. Shut up. Like, that's an understatement. Yeah, don't be silly. It was the number one. Shut up. It was, it was the number one podcast on Apple Podcasts on Apple Podcasts. and Spotify podcasts for like a few weeks, wasn't it?

Yeah. It was the number one podcast, not in its genre. It was top of the charts. We beat Rogan. It beat Joe Rogan. It's just one. Fucking suck it up, Joe. Cry on your mansion, bitch.

Love to have you on, though, Joe. It did all right. Yeah, they turned it into a telly show now, which is cool. Okay, see it. Yeah. Is that the next stage? Yeah. It got, the guy that made severance

is making it into a TV thing. Fucking out. That's doing all right. It's doing all right. But there's going to be like a season two and we're going to South Korea to do it. Sick. You are going to have to make that story up, surely.

And then the Korean murderer came to my... I had a gap here in Korea and I got really bullied guys. So like, what's... Explain to me what the vibe with season two is? Because there's, the first... first one is very personal. It's you. And it's, yeah, the season two is,

still, I don't know how much I'm allowed to say, but we're still in sort of figuring out logistic parts of it, but the co-host in the podcast, Jody, she's half Korean, half American. And there's a personal tie there. And I think it's kind of, we're just

switching roles around a little bit. Okay, sick, class. Can we ask about, go on, no, no, no. I want to ask about the story. I know you probably answer the you asked, whatever you want you. Yeah, I feel like we did the, what the story is about and the pod, but I want to know what happened.

So I don't know. Adam told me this a few months ago, but what you've done? It's been out long enough that if people haven't listened, it's their own fault. No, not me even ruin it. I mean, I want to ask because I want to know.

Go for it. It's just fucking madden. Like, what did you have to do when he came to the house? Like, what was he trying to smash the doors down? My dad was at the front window of the house. So it's like a really, like, watching from his audio box.

I'm going to be outside. stroke in a car. Wow. My dad was at the front of the house looking down out of his bed, like one of the bedroom windows at the front door. And he saw Brett covered in blood, like banging on the door. My mom woke me up.

I was only asleep for like 10 minutes after I got back from this little charity gig before my mom like woke me up and was like, don't fucking turn on any lights. And the scary thing is I drank at the charity gig. So I walked home. that night. It took me about 15 minutes to walk home. And me and Jody sat down and did the maths on it.

And I missed, if I'd have left the charity gig six minutes later, we would have got to my front door at the same time, me and the murderer. And he was like drenched in blood. He was identified by the shape of his trainer footprint on the side of his stepdad's skull. So it was like heavy stuff, really heavy stuff. And my dad saw him outside covered in blood and was. like, it's not Jehovah's. Did he say that?

So this is it. Joe's really fucked. It's the amount of people that go on to Reddit and like, I think Ed's the bully and he's also got a fetish for feet and dongs. People have so many like, because it's true crime and the true crime community are very passionate and they don't fuck about at all.

They're all about like details and facts and times. Yeah, yeah. They have. So that's what genuinely, like that's what I'm like with any, anything that gets me. And obviously serial, the other true crime podcast

is the only like podcast that's ever got me like that. But TV shows where it's true crime, I really get into them. And I want to try and figure out what the cops didn't. So I'm like that. Like if I'm interested in the thing,

I'm like, right, well, where did this go wrong? One of the craziest things is that we don't talk about in the podcast and we haven't really spoken about anywhere is what happened to Brett. So his name's Brett.

He was the guy that bullied me and killed his family. We didn't talk about what happened to him in the end. He got picked up and he was like laughing, like maniacally, like pissing himself laughing when the cops got him covered in blood. I don't know why I'd say covered in blood there. Like I'm really fucking leaning into it. They, he got put in prison and he was killed in a interfaith pact in his cell. A Muslim guy and a Christian guy strangled him to death.

which is like nice, isn't it? Just bringing community together. Ebony and Ivory. What? How long after he been? Not long at all. Yeah, why have they killed him? What was the point?

Or was he a Hindu? They didn't agree with him killing people, but he was killed by two prison, like incarcerated murderers. But I thought murderers only get put in with murderers. Yeah. So they were murderers. He was a murderer,

and they were like, you shouldn't be a murderer, mate, so they murdered him. Do you what I mean? I think he might have pissed them off a bit. Yeah, probably. He wasn't the best. Yeah, did you feel like vindicated then or like upset or what was you? No, the only, the only weird feeling I got right was,

and this is a question that come up loads, the only weird feeling is if him seeing my poster in the village is what set him up off that night, is there responsibility that lies with me? So if he went mental that night and killed his family because he was walking past the kid that he bullied that had gone off to London and done good, If my face being on the posters

were this thing that set him off. So he shouldn't print posters? He didn't say anything. He pleaded ins-the only thing he did in court, really, was plead insane. And they tested him, they were like, you're not insane. But he obviously had some sort of psychotic breakdown in the moment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So he was big into pills and stuff. No? Some people just love the game, mum. Do I mean? Or really hate posters around town. Yeah.

It probably wasn't that, but also, like, what's the responsibility on you? You can't print posters in case there's a murderer in town who doesn't like to look at your muzzy. Like, what... It's not so much like a legal responsibility. It's more like a, oh, it's just shit feeling, isn't it? It's been like, oh. All the menace had started with him. All of the anger that he's developed towards you started from him.

It's not a... You know what I mean? All of the bad feeling was his fault initially. Yeah. I imagine it would have come out anyway. I don't think he would have bottled up forever. No, to be clear, I don't think it's my thought at all. That's why I've monetized this.

But, yeah. So that's, yeah, that's the story. Because you've put it into a thing now and like kind of sent it into the world. Do you ever think about it or just like? No, I feel like you guys might have a similar thing with the pod. Once, once I made the, because we had to shoot loads of like,

we recorded it in Atlanta, the podcast, and recorded the live set in Atlanta and stuff. And they got like, for like an American production company to invest in someone who might have trauma, they got like a therapist in, and they were like, is this kid going to go mental

halfway through us investing all this money? Such an American way of looking at things. Look, we're really worried this kid might go mental because we've actually got quite a lot of money invested. Not into it as well being, just, you know, we really need to get that money back. That as well, but we want the season two.

So what was a question? Is that the first time you'd spoken to a therapist about it? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, but the therapist didn't really do much for me. What did loads for me was going out and talking about it on stage and stuff. What are I mean? When you send that out of the,

are you kind of like freeing yourself from it? It's nice to talk to people about like a story like that because when they go, fuck, that's mental. You're like, yeah, right? Okay, cool. Great. We all agree. But then also, because there's a lot of opinions that get formed.

And some people will listen to it and be like, I don't like Ed. I think the second you make something like that, you kind of need to let go the idea of control and the narrative. Any form of content, you can't control what people feel about it. Yeah. Very difficult to get used to that. Which is really new to me.

Like, it's quite familiar to you guys. But like you said... It wasn't always, though. Like, I remember... Maybe I'm going to misspeak here, but I'm going to speak sort of something I maybe feel about you. Go on. Right? I think that before Carl was involved with this,

if I ever got like negative shit about like my stand-up I think he was a bit like, why he'd ask, doesn't matter. Oh, 100% yeah. And then as soon as he was involved with this and anyone was negative about him

and it was personal against him, that's when he's seen what it was actually like. I remember I was early days here and I'd seen something on Twitter about you like, just a negative comment and I showed you it. Yeah. And you went, lad, just don't ever show me.

I was like, oh, and then now I'm like, why? Yeah. Like fucking, because if there was something, I'll be like, why the fuck are you showing me that? It's mad in it. Like, they just get into your pockets and fucking... You have to develop a callus against it,

otherwise you shouldn't be doing it. The only issue I have with it is my mum set up Google alerts my name across everything. Everything she does. Any time someone's like, Ed Hedges is a complete cunt. She'll be like, she'll call me, be like, you're all right. I'm like, what have they said?

Oh, no. What have they said? She'd be like, how's your day going? You've been on the internet or anything? I'm like, okay. Someone said I'm a nonce again. So there's no, like, residual effects. You've got like, a, like, a...

home you're safe and you feel i'm trying to put it on you but like no i'm all good it's the weird thing i'm completely fine i'm like it's so it's so weird because like it's good don't it yeah part of me worries that i'm not smart enough to be traumatized so like that that that was a real concern for it's not there don't invite it in just leave it over exactly no that's terrible advice this is this is an emotionally suppressed person advise on an emotionally suppressed person how to stay emotionally Suppressed. Stay good, baby. Do you ever see those guys that are like out front of their house in Oklahoma?

What how quiet and shy is in this half of the podcast compared to the first off? And you're like, he's all right. First off, he's like, yeah, let's all have my laugh. Now we're talking about his trauma. He's like, yeah, you know, the podcast is all right. I feel okay. I just don't want to say the wrong things. I've done so much wrong recently, guys, that I should, like, in making this thing, I've done some real dumb shit.

And also, to answer your question, you obviously the Vietnam vets are really old now and they go and interview them and there's like trauma free they're like yeah a shot 18 of them one day

whoop that's the vibe I've got I have no trauma at all I'm just like crazy I've I did the tour the tour was great I got to meet loads of nice people

got to see loads of America it was really cool um the Natural History Museum has got a jail in America in New York it's got a proper

jail that they question people in. Yeah, that one. It's got a proper jail. And if you do anything slightly wrong, right? It's actually Ben Stiller. Another film. That's another film that I saw all the way through. That's another one. I, have you ever been to it? Yes. Right. You know, there's a, for people listening, there's like, there's an aquarium room with a massive whale in it. I went a years and years ago. It was pissing down. It went Bertie. We are in there for safety or from the rain rather than going. Okay. Culture. there's a big whale on like strings attached to the roof. And underneath it,

there's like a big 10 foot by 10 foot square of like hardwood flooring. Because obviously people, so many people walk under the whale and look up at it, that that floor must get worn away, like, over time. So they put this big piece of wood there to like protect the floor. And I didn't know that's why they put the wood there.

And I, when I went into the room, there were loads of people lying down on the wood and looking up at the whale's belly. and I was like, it must be one of those C&I tricks. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, when they, they, you lay in a certain perspective and it moves and stuff. So I was like, and I'm in the museum alone.

So I'm just trying to like soak in all the culture I can. So I'm like, I'm going to see the C&I trick. And I walked down and I laid down on the hardwood floor under the world. And I looked up at it and I was like, nothing fucking there. Nothing's happening. And then it clocks, I clocked what had happened as the people were walking towards me. The people that were lying down were a school trip taking naps. And a man with a mustache would just fucking walks over and been like,

Ed as well. I just laid down. And the teachers were like, what's he doing? What's he doing? And they went over to me. And they pulled me into this room, sat me down. And they were like, where are you from? And I went Britain.

And they were like, yeah, you would be. And it got real tense, real quick. And that shit kept happening across America. I kept having to get bailed out. I got kicked out of an Uber. I've never told anyone these stories and I just want to get them all out into the fucking world.

Is that fine? Yes. Go for it. There's a... You know, in America you sit on the other side of the car? Yeah. Right. I got...

I went to a gay night, like house party. Are you gay now? Huh? Are you gay now? No. Okay. Do you think I could be?

Yeah. You just said you went to a gay night? No, no. One of the producers, Charles is gay. And he has loads of gay friends. They do gay stuff. So I went to a house party. Oh, okay.

I went to a house party with loads of gay people and apparently I got asked to leave because I kept talking You used to do that, didn't you? I mean, I did it two weeks ago in Ireland. You are allowed to go to a gay place If you're not gay. I love it how you just bring that back every like 12 months Kissed a bloc though, didn't you?

Did you? I mean, that was actually doing something gay in a gay club. You used to be in gay say, also didn't you? I used to have mates that, yeah, but that's just because they like staying up doing drugs. They're funer nights out, right? I absolutely love hanging out on the gay scene. It's always really fun.

Do you know what they're doing that? They're drinking mushrooms in the upper class gay circles now. Really? Microdocin psychedelic mushrooms into their vodka because it's got no calories in. They can drink it all night, and it gets them like a little bit high. I think you've been hanging out with a higher class of gay

because a couple of the lads I parted with did crystal meth. So. Oh, yeah. Well done for finding a better caliber of gay. Well done, Ed. Thanks, guys. Thanks. Go on, what happened in the Uber?

Oh, that's not a great story I got confused I got an Uber really drunk I got confused and I was talking to the driver and his name was like Attif and he was a really friendly guy we were talking about cricket for a while

and I had a little lay down in the back of the Uber but I got confused and I looked at where he was sitting which is his driver's side but I thought it was a passenger side so I start getting like properly fucked off

and I sit up and I start banging and I'm like, who the fuck are you? You're going to pay for your half of the fare and he's like, you bloody fuck is swearing me? And he kicked me out. And then I was just in the Bronx. That's it.

That's the story. On shrooms? Huh? On shrooms. Oh, no, I was just drunk on Yeagermeister. Oh, right. Okay. Not doing the gay shrooms?

I've done them once. I didn't even Charleston, South Carolina. Didn't go well. Class? Why? Just, it doesn't get you shroom high. It just gets you, like, kind of giggly. That's fun.

That's not bad. Well, it's like a weed high. It's more of a weed high. Sounds horrible. Preach into the, I don't have a great tolerance for it. He's a druggie? No. That's not, no.

It's not a druggie? What's your favourite drug? Weed. He does all of them, no. Giggly high is good. Giggly high is Mdeme, Keth, a bit of sma. He loves... Finn's the crystal meth guy that I was talking about.

Oh! That's a stage name. Good to have you here. That's my drag name. At all these points where you're getting... That'd be a phenomenal... Crystal meth. At all these points where you're getting in trouble in America,

you've got a production team. production team going, what are we doing here, Ed? No, they kept leaving me alone. They kept taking me to a city and then leaving. I'm like... I'm trying to get to say these two. I went into... I went into the trap house in Atlanta. Wow. You heard of that?

Yeah. Really like... What's a trap house? It's called Escape the Trap. It's like a museum... Home-alone style. Style thing? Kind of, yeah. It's like swing. It's like trap-rap. It's like a museum for trap wrap stuff. I was the only white guy there.

The place where he doesn't belong. I was... Honestly. I was the only I thought it would be like everyone because I was like oh we're in Atlanta it's like home of hip hop like everyone would go to this little place fucking no white guys went

it was just me and luckily you've lost the weight oh god they cut it uh yeah it was good it was good I got an argument with the lady that owned it because we queued up for hours,

like African-American people can't do parking lots or queues. We've got like a beautiful building. I'd stand by that and I'll die on that hill because they have like a beautiful building and then the car park is just fucked and like made of sand. And there was like a huge long queue. As a Brit, I was getting annoyed at that.

We were in the queue in like the middle of the Georgia Sun for hours, like properly four hours, queuing to get into the script. Well, I didn't know this at the time, Adam. thought it would be fun. Nothing's worth four hours. It's like when people say they go to like Alton Towers and like, oh, we're queued for the nemesis for two and a half days.

It's like... Yeah, sounds terrible. It's just... It's finished in 60 seconds. Yeah, it just does... I don't get it. Like, I understand, like, a nostalgic cue, like a 20 minute for a pastry.

That's fine. I enjoy that. But anything over an hour, it's like, come on, man. There's nothing worth... Like, I could be getting fucking reverse gangbangs when I got on there. I wouldn't queue four hours for it. What a reverse gangbang?

Seven women, my cock. No, he's right. As opposed to... He's spot on. As opposed to seven cock's one woman. Reverse gangbangs? Is it Googler? That is the thing?

Is it? I just knows that it was a gang bang. No. A gang bang is a gang bang and a woman. A reverse gang bang is the opposite. Didn't know that. Do you know that? You learned something every day on this podcast?

I learned nothing. I fucking love him. Are you a reverse gang bang guy? I'd say it's lower down the preferences but I do appreciate the work you know it's teamwork oh no that's the dream for me

just like me being the king former queue ladies it's only 20 minutes it's nostalgia get on there just ah just like seven vaginas and 14 tits

the mouth checks out seven vaginas I panic with one he checks he checks the numbers because if that's off one number six six vaginas and 22 titty

something's off. I'm a mathematician. I like a reverse gangbag like the next man. But these tits are wonky. Wise cracks available everywhere. Have you got anything else at the minute? I know you've been on tours, the tour done now?

Yeah, the tour's finished now. We might be doing a West Coast thing, but that's done. We're the East Coast, pod, man, so we can only get here the East Coast. Done the East Coast. Finish with that. We've got season two coming

and the TV thing coming as well. But at the moment, Yeah, that's it. Are you in the TV thing or are you just behind the scenes? We're still figuring that out. He's playing the mayor. We're still figuring that out. It must feel like pretty exciting times with this.

Because like this is all still opening up, isn't it, in front of you? Yeah, yeah. Like the new Richard Gad? Because you play, you could play the guy. This is, yeah. Well, the weird thing is, when we were pitching Wisecrack, no one fucking wanted it at all. No one wanted because murder and comedy doesn't work together at all.

And then one thing. And how wrong they were. One production house that were like, yeah, we'll take a chance on it. And as they, like, got the paper signed, baby reindeer went off. And every single person we pitched to went, were you doing that? And then they were all like, oh, we'll take it, we'll take it, we'll take it, we're going. So, yeah, it's, it's exciting. It's definitely exciting.

But I don't, it's really daunting not knowing what comes next. Exciting, no good. Yeah, good. But there's no career plan for what I'm. doing. You know what I mean? Like I got, I got nothing at all to plan.

This is the overthinking I was talking about before. Everything's going well, number one podcast in the world, beat Joe Rogan series two and a TV show on the way. He's like, what if it all goes to shit?

It's a real, it's a rough, it's a rough air. Damn, sway's still there, brother. The comedy's not. The comedy.

No, come up. Yeah. Thank you for coming in. Cheers for having me. Good luck, Ed. I hope it fucking flies for you, man.

You got a fucking song? Can I just plug my daddies in two? the finale went out a couple of days ago for everybody who was out on Saturday. Go give it a like, give it a comment. Click the hype button for us. It's a new thing on YouTube. You've clicked the hype.

It pushes us up to lead the boards, makes everyone see it more. Maybe one day I'll be successful as Ed. Please help. Thank you. Go on Goddardt. I am on tour. Adamrow.com.

I am on tour. Dan Nightingale and Friends is on sale now. Dan Nightingale.com going all around the country. 15th of August, I'm in Dublin. 16th of August. I'm in Belfast. That'll be a weekend and a half. And at the end of the tour,

We're doing Glasgow on the Friday night, a stand-up show with Ishaun and Martin Nelson, and then Harry and Finn are coming up, and we're doing the karaoke party on the 27th of February. Next year, we close off the tour with Glasgow. Dates all over the shop. Loads of very funny friends, Dan Nightingale.com. Also got a couple of pod things. We've got the Killy premiere that's coming up. That's over on Patreon.

If you want to come and watch. You want to watch the screening with us in a cinema? Meeting greet afterwards as well. Very cheap tickets for that one. How much of the tickets? A tenor and a book and faith? Oh, what are you going to do? Come on.

This week, the song we've got is from an artist called Michael Brindley, and this is his debut single, and it's Polaroid Daydreaming. Hang on. Fake. Nope. Or real.

It's a good song. Go and enjoy it. Go and enjoy that. Thanks, Eddream. We're dreaming of pictures. These new artists have got no fucking chance. Bye. I believe.

No, I won't change for no one, even if the honor losing streak, can find a place the last orders. Don't worry, it's on me. Because there's solitude and sadness and there's confident pain. Like I said, we can drink the night of,

During the night over four