Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #379 with Rick Edwards - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: May 2, 2026

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comHAW x Stars In Their Eyes Tickets: https://www.skiddle.com/e/42247092Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukFilm Club Tickets: https://plazacinemaliverpool.savoysystems.co.uk/PlazaCinemaLiverpool.dll/TSelectItems.waSelectItemsPrompt.TcsWebMenuItem_976.TcsWebTab_977.TcsPerformance_23863058.TcsSection_1791Finnlay K - Beautiful Morning: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/BeautfiulMorningAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's new EP: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/AllInYourMindThanks to this week's sponsors:Heights | https://heights.com/haveawordEnter code HAVEAWORD20 at checkout for 20% off your first month!Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Saily | https://saily.com/haveawordDownload SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everyone. Welcome to this episode of the Have a Word podcast before we get going. A couple of things to tell you. Massive show, Patreon special, live event, 31st of May at content. We are doing stars in their eyes, which is, it's an old game show from years ago where you get people who go, hey, listen today I'm going to be. Rihanna. Rihanna. And they would go back, look like Rihanna, come out, sing like Rihanna, hope you do it well and they'd win. But we're doing it. an iconic TV show. It's going to be an iconic Patreon special. All of the lads you see on camera have a word are going to be doing a song. I have seen some of the artists

that are being picked wild choices. Borderline unacceptable. We've got a live band. It's going to be brilliant. And we've got four or five podcast legends. Johnny Bongo has been announced. Alfie and Jesse. I'm also going to say Sandro Ford is coming up.

A recent Hall of Fame entry guest and co-host, Sandro Ford will be performing as well two or three more to announce Yes, tickets are in the bio below Not many tickets left, this is suddenly like hotcakes As you imagine, we'll never do this ever again So go get your tickets Also sign up to patron, patreon.com

slash have a word pod We are the biggest patron in the UK For a reason, nearly 32,000 lids Can't be wrong, sign up for as little as three pounds a month and you get the massive back catalogue of all the patron exclusives we've done since 2021. And then all of the Patreon specials.

Yeah. Everything we've ever done. If you sign up for £3, you get every minute of everything we've ever done at your fingertips. It's worth $3.000. Also going forward, you get access to tickets. You get things like Film Club that we do. You get access to Mad That Being Harry do.

It's the best three pounds you'll spend all month. It's a no-brainer. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy the episode because it was a bloody belter. Wag-waglids, you're listening to the funniest. podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only. Have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN.

The very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed. Get on me. Hello, everyone. Not here. I'm feeling yourselves today, Daniel. No. You're tired, mate. I don't know what's going on, but I'm all right, really. I'm okay.

I think you're on a bit of a... You spent the weekend in Wales and getting foot on a beers with the whales. Yeah, at about seven apparel sprit, so obviously there's a natural come down from that much apparel. But there will be after like months of... You don't really let yourself have sugar anymore, do you?

Yeah, all the time. I've not been restrictive. You do eat bags of sugar every day, like... Yeah, there you go. They're very different opinions on how I'm living my life. It was great to see you in this again. I see you with the sweets.

Yeah. It was great to... to see you pissed again. It's been a while and I really enjoy having a night out of you. Yeah, we... I like drinking with you. You're really good fun.

What's going on? I'm not that. I'm not that right. It should be. If you could get a discount code on that, it'd be great. It's been before. We had the hip-hop night. That wasn't a massive booze up.

And then I went to Ireland. That was good. And then the anniversary party rapper partete. But you were the bride at that thing, so we couldn't really see you. And I recommend going to Swansea to hang out with Sandro Ford to everyone.

Comedy fans, comedians. That is going to become a very popular weekend for stand-ups because they're going to treat it like a little party weekend. It's going to kill Sandro Ford. He has seven years left to live. His comedy club is going to be massively popular. It was the closest I've ever been to being on stage

back in the, when Paul Smith was about to really go big and we were in Seale Street. It'd only been open a while. It's that size room. It's intense, but in a brilliant way. They're all comedy fans, partly there to see Sandro, loads of lids to see us. Sandra was like, oh, Finn's going to play and everyone cheered. So they were there to see Finn and Harry as well. It was brilliant. I hope I've not got to come down from Swansea. I think you have. That would be pathetic. Well, it's either that or you're just being pathetic for no reason. just don't feel right. I'm not,

I just don't, I feel like there's a hole in the line low. It's a lovely little Burns, orange number you've got on. Thank you, that's nice, tough. You need another cryo session.

That'll sort you out. What did you think of cryo? I hated every second of it while I was in there. Is there anything we've made you do that you enjoy? Yeah. Like, you know,

when you get blacked into these things, is there anything? Like, Kilimanjaro, cryo, we'll put that on the shit list. I like, what's cryo? Cryo therapy, man. We got taken to Bridgen by

Jordan who listens to the pod and he works with the problematic boys. You just make your frabbs for a bit and then you're not frabs. Mine is 113 degrees Celsius. It's a dry cold plunge. Why? It's the one I did in Hoy Lake. We talked about it. There was one in bridge end.

So he listens to the pod and he was like, this guy loves cryo. And his boss owns a cryo cube in bridge end. So yeah, we went and did that. You got a little bit cold. Yeah. It was nice. Yeah, I'm sick. And then we went to a salt room.

And you lick the wall. I did lick the wall. I didn't believe that it tasted salt. Was it salty? It was dead salty. Mad. What a shot? It was like salt bricks.

I don't know. It just looked like candles. Do you know what I mean? Do you reckon you're the first person to lick that wall? No, because I got told that rag, Sandra's mate had already done it. But I didn't trust. We needed to cooperate on my...

That's the company you want to keep. Oh, a man called rag licked it as well. Don't worry. You're not the first. It's nice having a private little sauna. Yeah. Oh, that was all right. Laura won't go in saunas anymore.

There's no point us going to the gym together because at my gym, if you pay a little, like, day rate, I can bring her in. So we pretend to work out for about 10 minutes. Then she has a panic attack that there's men on the weights floor. So it goes into like the other bit, the second quieter bit with the ladies. And then we go in the hydro pool

and she looks uncomfortable. And then she won't go in the sauna because, and this is her words, fat men sweat in there. So she won't go anywhere near it. Fat women as well. Mainly fat men. If I'm honest, I'm... Every...

Everyone sweats, yeah. I don't care if you're black, white, blue or purple, mate. You sweat in the sauna. If you're purple, you need to get out of the sauna. Something's gone wrong, bro. We discovered something in your car that I wanted to bring up. I'm very excited to hear this. Have you been sitting on this?

Yeah. Oh, here we go. So on the way, Dan's got a new car recently. It's a lovely car. 2016 BMW 7 series bought it from a guy called Ken in Bournemouth, who traded his... BMW 7 series, 2016,

23,000 miles on the clock. Ken's been fucking nowhere. He's been doing laps of his drive. He's got eight full BMW services on it. The guy's insane. Trade it in at 88 years old for a Bentley. Fucking shout out, Ken. What a fucking player.

He's got eight minutes to live and he's just wiped 70 grand on a second-hand Bentley. Respect. Respect, Ken. Well, I think this... Why... How'd you know, Ken? Ken traded the BMW in to S-Chay Specialist Motors, Wiggin.

Not enough here. Why would he do that from Bournemouth? Why not just traded into a local car dealership? Why is he driving to Wiggin? Because he needs a specialist. Because he wanted a Bentley. So apparently, high-end car sales. It's about the car salesman.

You know who told me that? The car salesman. But they build relationships. So Ken knew that this guy did specialist cars. and has had like an ongoing email. Probably not email. He's 88. But it's been phoning him going,

I want a Bentley. I want a Bentley, bomb. And finally once come through, sorted him out. So he was like, you'll have to deliver it. So the boys from Wigan went down

in the Bentley, came back with the BMW and it's been sat there. I thought I had to buy it. Come on, guys. I've won in the seven series for time. It's gorgeous. Big fat.

And there's a feature that's made him buy it. So I sat in the front for the journey to Cardiff and then Harry and Julia sat in the back and we're just having a look around the car just having a lot. He's got lots of magical doors. They found a little secret compartment in the side of each of the passenger side doors

that we pulled out. We went, what is that? Because it didn't look like it was for anything. I mean, not seen it in a car before. So we went on Google and it's a money holder. Speak to Ken in board. He probably had them put in. It's a money holder.

Like a coin. It's like a coin holder. Oh, coins. You know, for your passenger coins. When you're in the back seat and you're like, what am I doing with all these coins? The blooms and that? The blooms, because you're on the way to bury them. And when you open, put coins, just blown out, I imagine.

It fell out. It weighed the car down. It's just like a magic penny. The tunnel I imagine, probably. Like back then we didn't have. In the passenger seat. Yeah, in the back passenger seat. You never know.

You know your family's rich. If you're like, ah, there's a toll. Pay it in the back. surely it's for trolleys surely surely's for trolleys do you have the pound do a big shop

has everyone got a pound we're gonna need four trolleys do you have a pound in your car for trolleys I have an on my keeling but it broke off and now that keating is in my car

but yes I do I don't know where my little smiley faces oh you've got a little it's a bit of him just blow your ass no I've just realised

it wasn't on there this morning where's it gone yes you mine that's what's happened to mine but that's in the car this is fully functional

It's just not on there. We need you, can. You've left it in a trolley, haven't you? How would I do that? Just push the trolley away into the car park and go on your car. I do do that, yeah. I put a fellow's trolley in front of his car last week. I've got to say he's about this.

In M&S in Speak. There's an MNS food hall in Speak. And I often go there to buy the ingredients for me, me, too. Oh, we know our supermax, right? You're very thorough sometimes with your story. It's a 10 minute drive from where it. live. I was breathing mainly air.

It went in. It was still air. I needed to live. And I come out and I was parking my trolley up and putting it back. And I fell air just like through his trolley in the general direction of the trolley area. And then just walked to his car. So I took his trolley and put it in front of his car and then just kept walking. So that he had to get out of it and move it again.

Yeah. What a day? Yeah. I was in a bad mood. Did, how was his reaction? I didn't, I didn't even look at him. I just put it in front of his car, did that and just kept walking.

And then just had a door go behind me. Like it's your job to move her. No. As I just pushed her towards. He just ghosted her towards the trolley area. I was just like, no mate. So I leave them in the Sable Bays me. Well easier.

All women and children. You know, I've been... Women and children. That's what they are. Titanic. I leave a trolley. Women and children. It's women and children, isn't it?

When there's a fire? What is it? What's the car park? It's just parents. Parent and child. Oh, you know what I mean? Bands not taking Jassy as.

Podcasting with the 1970s. I'll just put one in vitamin another disabled, but it's much closer. I park in the parent and child bit if I've got anyone else with me. We've said this before. It's just someone's child. Yeah.

It's for you. That's what they mean. They meant parent and child and Adam Row and Co. But it doesn't say parent and child on it. No, it's just a weird shape, isn't it? It's just someone taller.

What is it? A trolling. As long as you hold the hand of someone taller or smaller than you, then you're in the right bay. It's little and largest space. If they turn up, they're fuming. Also, there's no cops, is there busting you for that? No.

Not copable. Do what you want. Just park in the foyer. Fuck him. Stupid, ASDA. They've got big doors. It's car shaped. Just drive in. I also think, you know, if I park in like a disabled bay, right? And everyone's like, oh, you shouldn't do that.

What if a disabled person turns up? That's meant to be for them. Well, what if a disabled person has already turned up? What if there was a disabled person already parked in that bay, what would they do then? They'd have to go and park in a normal space and walk from there. So I'll just park there and shut up. I could be disabled, you don't know.

Yeah, take eight cars, take all the eight disabled spots. Brilliant. Harry's rocking here. You're going to say it or no? I had a bit of a nightmare last night. I had to call Adam for adult advice. No, you phoned me. And I was like, I'm not the guy, so I passed you back to Adam.

Yeah, the taxi. I'm not sure how much out. Basically, some fell apart like a cunt at the Premier last night. And then waited afterwards, because there was barely any space. And he waited afterwards. He was like, you're not going to believe this.

You've opened your car door and scratched my car. So we're having to, like, sort it. And he's a patron and he'll watch it. And I'm sure he's dead lovely, but he parked like a wanker. Hang on. So how... How has he parked that has made you twat your door into his car? So there was no space.

meant to have like the kind of back bit behind the... Haddy got to the Premier Leasing, there wasn't any car park space for them. So... Yeah, there's street parking all around Crosby, but... So in the library, there was the parking and there was all the bays, and he's just decided,

no, I'm not going to put it into one bay. I'll just park it diagonally over to. And he claimed someone had pushed him over, but they hadn't. Do I mean? In his car while he was driving? Yeah. For a car flat. He claimed that someone else had parked like a dickhead,

but if they had done, he'd park like more of a dickhead. And I wish I'd, if I have done, I don't know if I did scratch the car, but we're kind of sore in it. You haven't? He didn't, Harry? Say it to him now. I mean, I'm speaking to him at the phone at the moment. But like, if I had, I wish I'd just fucking, do I mean?

I ruined, man. I was up all night. It was meant to be. I left the screen and I was like, what an amazing experience. People were saying nice things to me. And it lasted 30 seconds until this fellow went, you know, I got to believe this. Yes, I do believe it because you parked their dickhead, didn't you? Hang on.

So hang on. Hang on. Fuck off. he was already parked he was already parked when you arrived yeah and it was the last space in the car park and we had to squeeze in why didn't you just park somewhere else

why didn't you park on the street where I parked you know when because I drove into the car park and it was dead busy and then I was like well you can just park on the street no because there was a space there ah right and we'd already done the laps do I mean we'd gone up the street like we'd arrived late

but we were told that there was the staff parking which is why that we'd arrive late at the only finished work like at six and then, you know, women have to do whatever they do. How do... If he's taken two spaces, how is he closer to your car in that space? So he's parked diagonally,

and the car on the other side has left a bit of space. So we've had to kind of come in diagonally, but what it's meant is that when I've opened my car... Allegedly, this is all alleged. This is all alleged. Yeah, it's all alleged. I honestly don't know if I've put it out... If I've done, whatever,

you didn't. Fuck off. But, like, um... Yeah. This is a weird version of taking responsibility. Yeah, I'm probably off, but fuck off,

allegedly. We're sorting it, do you know what I mean? What are you sorting? What is it? Like, Ellie's on the phone to him. Ellie's dealing with it.

I can't deal with it. I ate him. He's probably lovely, and he's probably, and I probably said, insurance claim ever. What's going on here, mate?

I've probably said I to him in the permit and he's probably lovely, but he's ruined my night. And I add. admissible in like, it's all comedy and it's all alleged and it's all made up and it didn't happen. Okay.

But it did happen and it was coming on the phone last night. Where he went to me, I don't know if I did this. I don't think I did, to be honest. And I went, well, if you don't think you did it, then you fight it.

Like, there's every chance. This fella's like scratched his car on your car and like on his way out. Maybe he's opened the, like, there's every chance he's done it. If you don't think you did it,

then fight it. Do you what I mean? And he was like, yeah, But does that footage on Harry Day, me driving the car? What if it goes to court? I was like, what, that? They can't use that in court.

They call this. I've not been in these waters. Harry, they also can't use this in court. We'll never get, every time, every time we have an allegedly on it, no one's ever putting this in as evidence. Wow. Episode three takes two.

Yeah, just root. What is it? 379. Oh, we're doing some numbers, aren't we? Yeah. One a week. And it feels like more. It is.

Yeah, room and I. But, you know, hey-ho. What about this? Was keeping you up? The fact that I was in such a good mood, I was on such a high,

and people said such a nice thing about me in the, in the Killy special and stuff like that. And I was like, I was worried about how it was going to turn out. And I was like, that was really great. And my mum had seen it.

She was all proud or whatever. And then we walked. A bit about you getting fingered. Oh, yeah, there's a bit about me getting fingered. I remember that day, by the way. By the way, if you're not a Patreon, Patreon.com slash haveaway pub. We've just released the Kilimanjaro special.

That's what we're talking about. We did a screening of it last night. It was absolutely amazing. Go and sign up for Patreon and watch. I never watch what we make because I just have a weird thing about watching myself. And occasionally I'll watch a clip when it comes up on my phone, on social media.

But I never sit and watch the full things that we make. I did with India because we did the screening of that and I did it last night. I can't believe how good it is. We're dead good. We're dead good. And Harry absolutely steals the show for me. I thought he was so funny.

So yeah, you were on a high. So I was on a high and then turn up to the car park and he'd wait. He was the only one left in the car park next to... Did you think you were getting John Lennon? And he'd moved his car so he could not show that he hadn't parked

like a fucking lemon. If he's moved his car. Oh, to an insurance company moving your car is so damning. Yeah. If he's moved it, then that would make me fight her. Genuinely, moving your car is so damn. It's so, I just couldn't, I can't be asked.

You mean when there's an accident moving your car, damn in? If you, during an accident, if you move your car before you deal with the other person, the insurance company will just literally just throw all the blame on you. Because they're like, oh, why are you trying to change the scene? It's like kicking a body down, like down at ill if you've killed them. It's just like, oh. Hang on, sorry. Let's just rewind.

So if you kill someone, kick, and then you were, admit to kicking the body down the hill. They go, oh. Would you change? You were you trying to hide? What do you mean? The dead body. Exactly.

Because you killed someone. Why are you trying to hide it? They've got you. But they know you killed him already. No, you don't know anything. So they don't know you killed him. But you know you're saying,

I didn't kill him, but I did kick him down the eel once he was dead. You're in trouble there. Why have you done that? Cars great at volleys. Never move your card after an accident. Leave it exactly where it was. I learned that.

What about if someone is making a claim in a dark car park and there isn't actually an accident. Where does this go insurance-wise? Because you could just go, no, I didn't. I'm sure that's the end of it. If he went to him, when I got there, if I opened my car door, it wouldn't have touched this. So I don't know how that's happened?

His car's moved. If you had took a picture of it, whatever? Like, that's not physically possible. He sent a video over, which is why we've kind of gone. But I mean, like... Just say it wasn't you? Just sent a video over what? Of the scratch.

And then he's like, and look, that there's missing paint on your car. But also, there's wear and tear on both doors because I'm... Jary. anyway, it's one of them. We live and we learn, don't we? Hang on, Harry.

Did you just hear this wear and tear on your car doors? On both sides, yeah. Were they just, the paints just come off over time, do I mean, like rain and that acid rain. Other car parts. Yeah, like... Acid rain, walls.

And that doesn't prove anything. That doesn't prove that I hope. No, no, it doesn't. Yeah. But listen, like, I can be accused of driving like a while. Sometimes I'll never... Were you driving?

Like a cunt. No. But I'll never park like a cunt because I'll always, if I park and it's dodgy, I'll always fix up because people need space man. I've only ever seen you enter one car park. Yeah, but if I'd had that we were on a time pressure of filming if I had time,

we'd have fixed up. We'd finish filming. We'd finish filming. Oh, oh, the bit, oh, in. Yeah, the bit where you missed the entrance to the car park and went over a curb down the hill. Yeah, but I'd land on someone's car. That was mental.

but thinking back to that was so... Again, allegedly, insurance, not of this happens. The Admiral. You drove over the grass, please. He caught air. All four wheels

were off the ground. But when I parked, I parked great. So, you hit the wall? No, not there. I probably had other walls. You hit the wall?

You reversed into the wall? It's your word against mine. I'll take you to court. As long as they're, This is admissible. You ain't driving either. It's a silly's problem, man, can't that? Yeah, so it's got, listen, the fella might be lovely,

and he probably is, because he came to the Premier. I'll make tough stuffing him off if he's a cocktail, I ate him, and he ruined my night. Are you just getting driven around now? Is this the new, so basically, Ellie watched Harry Day, and now you're getting driven around, like, driving Miss Daisy. I just existed with me before Harry Day, to be fair.

I had to ask Ellie for the car for Harry Day. I was like, you'd get an Uber to work, because she takes it to work every day. And I get the train, because trains are safer. Because you're not driving him. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, I drove, it's just straight line anyway, isn't it? But, yeah, so I don't, if I do drive now, like the one time I drove in the gap was when I,

someone crashed into me on the way to ASDA, and ASDA is no, the minute away from my house. Someone crashed into it. Well, that was when I sent the photos, the fellow with the, the cameltoe Joe,

the fellow who I know, yeah, yeah. Camel To Joe from Laster. Who, to be fair, was dead. He wasn't the fella, he wasn't the fella fixing the car. Sorry, he wasn't the fella who was driving, but he ends up fixing our car for us.

Harry, every time you're in the car, there is an RTA. We replaced... So I'm going to say it's probably you. And also, being a minute from your house, it looks bad on you. That mayhem has started within 60 seconds of leaving your property. No, but I was in the right. I don't believe you.

I was absolutely in the right. He said it was the low boxing day son that got him. But then he fixed our car. replaced our car door, and now the car door doesn't lock and she put the key in the beat us. Why is the wear and tear if you car doors knew? It was a second-hand car door.

It was on the other side as well. It doesn't work. Again, this is all alleged. On a door. But yeah. My mom enjoyed the premiere, though. She, so there's a bit in the film.

Which tits is, hypnotitis. There's a bit in the film where I talk about getting fingered by Ellie and getting spoilers. I get anal bleeding. And my mum at the end hugged me and went, just tell Ellie to cut her nails next time, rookie error.

Oh, respect. That's nice. Do you remember that? Yeah. I remember, like, it doesn't happen very often that I come here on our days off. And normally it's just a, so there was a notable time

when I walked in and Ellie was just looking a bit cheapish going, yeah, yeah, you're not right? And then he come out to toilet a couple of minutes later. Little did I know he was bleeding from the arseole. But neither did Ellie at the time and I was looking at a kind. Like, I really... Is that how you communicate?

That's the international. I was, I think I was in shock. Do you know what I mean? Um... Does she have false nails, Ellie? Yeah.

Yeah, you can't be figuring. So no, the Chinese woman gives them to her. I think so. I don't think it's a friend of it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. She hasn't got false nails. She's got like, what the girls have now, which is like, it's not her real nail, though, I don't think.

It's her nail with stuff on it. Like, like, compass a, bond them for teeth for nails. Yeah, it's extension on a nails. It's like a black girl's weave. No, it's not.

It's all real. Either way, she shoved me finger and asses with them. I don't know what? It was early days, like, we don't... I just make it any better. If there's any asshole finger in now, like, it's in the comfort of our own bed. That's nice.

Someone asked, when I told the story, someone asked me if I shook your hands, which I didn't. Could you imagine if you'd come in and I'd like... Why wasn't it my very? It wouldn't have. You were your finger up your ass? Your finger in your own ass?

Oh no, it was if Ellie shook your hand. Oh yeah, I always walk into a room. Hello, love. Covered in. Covered in blood. She was with my abattoir. Three dates in with Harry. Give us a nice firm handshake.

Something smells off. Oh, yeah. So she was sitting there. Your ass is not. I imagine. My ass is good, man. No. No.

Have you ever shaved your ass? No. Have you ever waxed it? So you've just got. every hair that's ever been on your ars is still there. Yeah, I guess I'm moul. How does it, how does it like... Yeah, you've not...

You still haven't got every pubic hair you've ever at. That's not how it works. It doesn't build up like landfill. No, but you've never shaved your ass. And I imagine it's not... I'm not saying you're not a clean guy. I am. But at the end of a night out, which is what it was,

it's probably not in its best condition. I'm vigorously... Also, I think... No, you're not... Because you came to the studio, I feel like it must have been in the day. You can't, what are you doing in the day? That's so risky.

It wasn't the end of a night, was it? I think it was. I thought he said it like they were talking about. I think it was St. Patrick's Day. I think it was day drinking and then we were getting an Uber back. Right. Because I think, I'm pretty sure it was after we went to your birthday in Chester. So at the day after.

Pooey fingers. No, she had to have pooey fingers. I've got a clean ass. No, wait. Do you think it was more or less poo? No one's ass is clean on St. Patrick's Day. Nobody's insane. Not yours.

Do you think it was more or less poo-y than when she fingered your ass? I mean, obviously there'll be residue. You know what I mean? But like, fucking hell. Third day! She's got your poo residue. It was early day.

We went together as a couple and we moved fast, like. Also, that's, like, what's wrong with fingering in his ass on my third date? In his place of work of an afternoon. I've told you, the story. I've been fingered on a one night stand. And she snapped her nail off

and threw her across the room. I don't know whether you were near. That one's done. No, no, afterno. She wasn't like, oh, I've ruined that nail. Oh, Christ. She, like, I've told the story before. I imagine our most avid listeners remember.

She sort of was circling me bummer, like, fancy a bit of this. And I went, yeah. And she pulled her hand up, snapped the nail off through it, and then just fingered me. Mad. Like, reloading. Yeah? Yeah, she went, that's a real.

What a lady. A grenade. I love it how she was like trying to get permission to land. Yeah, yeah. She's like, ooh. Not a way of that, do you? Get clearance. Ooh.

Oh, I tell you what. Look what I'm close to. She'd been wanking and sucking me off for about an hour and it just wasn't happening. So I think she was thrown. She was going to throw in a kitchen sink. Dying to do something to you. It's either a fingering or a headlock. Whanking and sucking you off an hour?

Oh, like. I'm going to have pepper. army at least it was it was a big night was anything else happening what's mean like we do we're doing things to where we haven't was she's just she'd already come a few times oh of course you come a few times love then suck me off of no no she was just some women get competitive don't they oh you'd already come no what's the competitiveness then she wanted to make me come were you pissed yeah right okay she's like a leaderboard what You keep like a lead the bullet, top gear.

I'm not losing 17-0. Do you matter quite it's tough? Come here. Tom Cruise put down two wheels last week. Yeah, if you get sucked off by a bird, do you write your name, when a piece of fucking magnetic strip and then you just go to that leaf.

Goes around the corner. Oh, Gambon. You came quicker than Steve Coogan. Killie was good though on her, the Killie special. Tanger is our ass, finger and corner, so's. You never been fingered. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

We've been together for 15 years, isn't it? I know, yeah. Is that an assurance of a fingering? No, but I'm saying he did it after three days. I think 15 years, you know, you try most things, don't you? What about you, Finn? Not for a while. That means within the last month.

That doesn't. This year? No. Last year? I'm not that, I'm not into it. Why? I don't know. You can try it if it doesn't do much.

Apparently there's a button up there. No, apparently they found... Have you seen there? What? Google that. Apparently the male G-spot is not up the anus. Where is it? Apparently it's like they've found

somewhere in news. Is anyone told the gays? No, I don't think so, yes. Hang on. So this has been a lie? Yeah, apparently men have been getting fingered for, like, it's been a joke. Like, it was like,

I would tell him on top of the ass. Apparently it's not. It's like in your fucking elbow or something. Who's not? Like a doctor who's like, in the 60s, we all tell him a subject of ass or something. It's changed, it's moved, had it?

Yeah, it's the underside of you, your penis. Sorry. The big news out of the medical industry is you can come from touching the underside of your penis. Yeah. Wow. Someone got a fucking doctorate for that.

It's not there, is it? No, yeah, yeah, no. It's, um, minute. You've been lied to. Yeah. It was all big ass. I'm laughing in the 60s. How do we know, though, that they haven't, like, gone, right?

Let's just double check the male G spots up the ass, and they found the one fella who was born without it. Do I mean? They've gone, right, finger him, see if he comes and he doesn't. And they tickled his cock and he came. Well, that's like an experiment. You need, you know, couple of people involved, maybe 100.

Not just frigid John. There's nothing there. There's nothing there. Write it down. I'm going on. What does it take in? It says it's... This has been awful. I think it's quite poetic, actually. It's on the underside of the penis where the head meets the shaft. Feels nice to get touched there, does it?

That's the start of a limerick, in it? Now, that's like the button for men. Like, the way we've got the clit and this is on show. So was ours. Why would they hide it up the ass? Is there not more than one book? Why would who hide it up the ass? The creator, Almighty, I don't know.

Why would they be hidden up a man's ass but on the front of a woman's body? Do you know what I mean? Like, what's the fucking point of that? Yeah, if it was by design, I'd say there's a design fault. The female G-spot isn't... No, but I'm saying the clit's in there,

but you're not meant to go in there. Would you really, aren't you? Our asses are just for shitting. No, they're not. that's the whole point. You're meant to get bummed. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. You, like, you met, like, we're meant to be experimenting.

If you come while you're getting fingered as well, it, like, just so, like, dribbles out. Hang on, do you mean we're meant to be... Of which hole? Wow. It's, it's like you, you, your cock, like, throws up, like, it's drunk. I feel so much better if, if Freddie Quinn was the guest today,

but it's Rick Edwards. Oh, that's so horrible. It throws up. It's like it goes, blah. You know, like, are you drunk and just... When you do without your top and try it either? Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's sick on itself. Involuntarily, like...

Oh, he's being sick on himself. Take him home. That is... You know what I mean, though, don't you? No, because Laura won't go anywhere near my asshole. What a fucking life you're living to experience the... Oh, oh. Finn? So this was on the, this is on the New York Post.

And I think journalism really is in the bin. Because the C also article is, women do find men with big penises more attractive. Study confirms. I don't think we needed that study. So it's nice to have your penis touch. So women like big penises. Wow, this is mind-blowing.

I don't know what I'm going to do with all this. I missed whatever was said, by the way but I think I should be glad of it. He said your Willie throws up on itself when you come. No, if you're getting fingered, if they press... Oh, I didn't want to hear it again. The button. I was happy to miss it.

As you... No, the button is like, what I said last week, the button in the lift, that doesn't work. You think it's there, but it's a myth. No, it is there. I've had it pressed. It's like the finesse shot on FIFA. You hold it and then it's done something different.

Yeah. There you go. I hope your breakfast is good. What are you all? I think the Killy Special was good. Killy Special was good. It's great. I think it's genuinely.

And it's easy to say. It's head and shoulders the best thing we've ever done. Yeah. Like India was insane. I don't know. I think the last 10 minutes really puts it under jeopardy. India was the same,

but this is like light years ahead. Than India? Yeah. Light years ahead than India. Yeah. Do you not agree? No, I thought India was fucking spectacular as well. Yeah, but I think that's how good this is.

Right. Carl's trying to sell it. Yeah, I know, but... He's using hyperalus seller. Do you not agree? I think I thought... Yes, I do. No, I thought Indy was unbelievable as well.

Yeah, same. I thought it was so much better. Well, there you know. It's either good or better. So go and sign up and watch it. Question. On the big penis thing. How many millimeters

do you reckon you could get away with adding to your knob before Laura was like, what's gone on here? How much bigger could you make it? What's the centimeter? 10. 10 millimeters. Yeah.

I genuinely, I think my willy feels bigger since I've been on testosterone. Oh, since I've lost weight. It's a combo of the two. Is that because your balls are smaller? Maybe I can see more... You think he's lost weight off as bollocks? Yeah, I've lost weight of his bollocks.

They have shrunk a little. Oh. Yeah, but your mons, puvice, recedes, done it, and then you get more cock. Yeah, I suppose. I've got a thinner mons. A less chubby mons. Turn through...

Centimetres. One millimeters? Three or four centimeters, I reckon. Also, she's not measuring it, is she? She's going off feel. Is that an inch? Yeah, maybe. Maybe we're doing centimeters for penises and just feels wrong.

How many inches? An inch? Seven inches. She'd be like, what's happening? I think she'd know it's seven inches. You're saying she doesn't look at it? If you're added a whole inch? But a lot of how she interacts with my penis is based on feel.

She never gets down there and has a fucking a look on the sizing. I reckon three or four centimes it'd all be within a margin of error.

After that, I think she'd have some questions about. What do you think she'd say? I don't think she'd be like, this is awful. I think she'd be pretty happy. Oh, you're the big boy.

Oh, come on, Carl. Don't do the fun talk. You know talking about buttons? Carl knows too many of my buttons. it's a weird power to have as soon as he goes I've never pressed any of them by the way a couple of times on this pod yeah that like that likes

you like to talk don't you? Absolutely Like dirty boy I had to give her a script when we started getting into dirty talk Did you print it out? Yeah, laminated the whole lot Lovely font

Did you write it or did you get? What do you want me to say? I went, just to dirty stuff Oh no, she was like could you send it me? So I had to do it in a WhatsApp message I've like just... Unhovered rugs. You little prick.

I had to call me a dirty cunt and she doesn't really drop the C-bomb that often. So when she got to it, like she didn't believe it herself. She went, oh, you're dirty cunt. It was like the intonation was wrong. It was like she was asking the question. Are you a dirty cunt?

Dirty cunt. Was she reading it while you were doing it? Yeah, because she's got very bad short-term memory. I'm fucking a goldfish. What are you on about? No, she's not the line. There was like a few bits. Oh, right.

Like Marlon Brando and Godfather had someone like with light on his chest. Well, you know, like some directors like you to sort of ad lib. You did David Fincher. You did 27 takes. Lever. Laura really is strict on the script. There was no wiggle room in any of them.

She could have drew it on your head. Is that something David Finch is known for? Like loads of takes. Oh, yeah. People get pissed off with them and never work with them again. Because he'll do like, I think, do you know the laptop smashing scene in social net? work. Yeah. I think they did that about

45 times. A lot of laptops. Because he's just like, he's annoying perfectionist. Kubrick's bad for that as well. So fair. Who? Standing Kubrick's just as bad. Also, he's meant to be horrible and like throws shit of people. That's like that. I wonder if

professional actors are better at role. They're going to be better at role playing, aren't they? There's going to be a point where you're like, you've committed to this role too much. I don't know. No? Like, I think sometimes, like actors have to be, they have to be given a million bits of information about who they are and whatever

and I think actors are quite bad chat like they can't act like a good like... Yeah, fun, interest. I don't mean a good person and like a good person. I don't think they're good at being people. I think they're all like robotic

until they've got a script and then they're like, hey. You think they're a vessel for many characters without ever being one character? They've got to be able to have blank slate after me to be able to paint the new character. But then surely you have to have experience of...

be a good actor, you have to be able to empathise with different characters. Probably. It's why Kevin Spacey said he didn't do a lot of public stuff back when he was, you know, not the guy he is now. He said, because he wants you to believe the character. Not go, that's Kevin Spacey as, Kaiser, says, you believe the character,

well. Sorry, spoilers. Great. You believe it because you don't know who Kevin Spacey is, really. But now, because we know the ins and out of fucking everybody. Yeah, he didn't buy into the sort of celebrity circuit. Yeah. I think that about musicians. Why have you got them on a chat show?

Let the music do the talking. Genuinely, we think, shut up. We're going to do an interview with the band. Fuck off. Let the music do the talk. Just fucking let them play the song. They might be morons.

They might be dead clever. Who cares? Let the music do the work. Do you not like to watch Stereophonics on Graham Norton, Dan? No interest. Kelly Jones is pretty boring. Who's your favorite band?

Who's your favorite musician? is it radio head? They were, when I was, yeah, when it was in my 20s, they were, they were my favourite. You're interested to see what they're like as people, no. I thought, like, that's fine if you know. Where would you rank the bar, harman?

Just the low radio head. Do that talk's about who let the ugly women in the club? What? Who let the dogs out? Is it? Why are that ugly woman in the club in the club? Igly woman in the club?

Why are the ugly woman in the room? What year didn't that come out? Because genuinely, I should have known this. a lot earlier. Who let the dogs out is why is it? I'm getting deja vu. I'm pretty sure we've had this chat.

Will I forgotten it? I don't remember. Yeah. It's, it's like, why have a deja vu? You can have a deja vu. You can have a fucking carbary. Can have everyone who you want me?

What? Good. That gave me deja vu. Press the button down. Let's have a break. Let the music do the talking man. Let the podcast in do the music. What?

It's time for, It's a low-level conspiracy With Carl Reiki by Low-level conspiracies with Carl Regler Hello Hi Pick your favourite of these Oh before we start

Peter Sobrie says Low-Level conspiracy This isn't in your list You don't have to choose it All the songs at the end Just sound like Finn putting on a different voice I'm convinced he has a random band name generator And it's just putting his own tracks out

To get PRS money Rumble As if we get PRS money from this. Oh. Whoa. You do from the Kivis special? Oh. It's not PRS.

Matthew says, Low-level conspiracy for you. Churches purposely build roofs far too big are absolutely any plausible reason in order to increase the likelihood. It leaks so it needs fixed. Wow, Pet Matthew, I love how you use the English language.

Once they get the fundraising going, because they always do, the vicar's lie about the price of the repel. and pocket the extra cash for themselves. One down from ours is about one part building and six part roof. Does he live in an ITV4 drama? He lives in midsummer. We need to know church roofs, see?

I've never in real life known that the church elders need the roof fixers. Isn't this fictional? This is all fictional, isn't it? Have you ever donated to a new church roof? I feel like my life has had church roofs in it. Because my mum went to church, that that was United Reform. there was no proper budget.

I swear there was a fundraiser to like fix a roof. How come you're not just any few miles a Bible basher? Because she was thick as fuck, mate. You know, I miss her, but... She's like, no, like, Jesus. All right, mum.

Shut up. Keep licking asbestos. See how that works out. Wow. Daniel Nightingale. Oh, yeah, I definitely meant it. Isn't the CCC in a church? You should be needing a new roof every month, mate?

It fucking does need a new... It rained a few... They fixed it, to be fair. That's council-owned. Oh, my God. It pissed it in. I think it's funny. Other church are like,

yeah, we need loads of money, ma. Or four. Things. Sell some of your golden chairs. Right. Do you think this is the cathedral in Seville we're talking about? What local churches?

What about that throne? Dan, you're not Catholic, are you? If I came to you, and said, I'm on the record. Here we go. If I came to you and said, hello, Dan,

we need the new golden tabernacle. What's a tabernacle? You're Catholic. You should know that. You've fucking lost a tabernacle, mate. I was trying to think of that word for aid. It's like gold bullion in it.

No. Isn't it? It's just a big gold bar in it. What's the tabernacle? What's the tabernacle? Tabernacle's the cupboard where they keep the thing that turns it into where it's where it's the catholic magic cupboard.

It's the cupboard. It's the cupboard. It has to be gold. because Jesus loved a bling. I am right there, aren't it? It's just a little cupboard. It's like a cupboard at the back of the altar where they keep the bread and they're like,

now it's Jesus's our soul. It's gold in it though, isn't it? We took it from the packets that we got from the shop. We cut it in the tabernacle. Spin three times. Jesus is with us because it's a special Sunday.

Open up and touch some kids. Yeah. How do you think it's like they're pretty safe? Like there's a couple of watches and there and stuff. Magic watches. Give me his watch now. Give me passports in it. Yeah, as now you know.

We need the new golden sab and I hold on. Yeah, United Reform. No golden magic cupboards. And that's really, to the detriment of the whole church. Do they still build churches? Are we done with that now? Are we done with building churches? We're building.

No, they're going down to the new churches. Mosques now, mate. Synagogues. That wasn't what I meant. Yes, you did. It wasn't. do temples, can't move for them by ours. Where's all the churches gone?

I can't fucking walk for the synagogue. I hope everyone gets the irony of that. Four angry northern white guys shouting about synagogues. Is there any Jews near you? Yeah. Yeah, can't move for them. And they're welcome. As long as they pay for tabernacles.

Pay the fair share. But yeah, I do think the whole money in church is a conspiracy bollocks. Absolute bollocks. Just ask God for a fucking little dropsy. If you believe

in him so much, just go, oh, 10 mil in the tabernacle. Bam. Right. Pollocks. Good. Go on, next one.

Ten mill in the tabernacle. God, there's another 10 mil mils on next Tuesday. Go on that. Go on that, go on, go on, God. I'll close the cupboard. I'll leave the biscuits in.

there. God, I've just put the toast in for the service do as a 10-mill there, I'm giving it back on Tuesday. What's the little plate the hand round? That's like an American thing, that's not. No, the collection book.

It's a collection play? You had a tabernacle and no collection play? Yeah? You had a tabernacle and no collection play? You were a child? That's why they didn't give it to you. I didn't have any money. Tang, it's his own one.

Darren says, low-level conspiracy. My mate's streaky Mark. is like as he shits his pants My mate's streaky Mark and I were convinced that the shaving company Gillette put blunt blades in the older versions

every time they brought out a new variant of like the razor the Mac 3 or the now Fusion 5 which were obviously super sharp so soon as the new one comes out it's like the iPhone isn't it they're like yeah they've got the technology but they're holding it back

so they can sell new ones in the future so he thinks like oh this one's shite the next will be good all wait for that but why would this work, first of all. They'd just be happy that they're selling

any of their product range. It's not like an iPhone you can keep forever. You can't keep razas forever. It's not like you buy a Mac 2. And it's like, that's my razor till the day I die. That's such an old boy move though,

in it? I've been using the Gillette mat once since 1978 and I'm not changing it. It's just covering in blood. It's just a rusty spoon. The Gillette spoon. This might be the most privileged

I ever come across. I use Mac threes. Like, they're the disposable ones. I never, like, I haven't got, like, a razor stick that I replaced the things on. Yeah, I'm going to changeable head. You're going to do one each time. Yeah.

But I use it once, and then it goes in the bin. Yeah, because they're disposed, yeah. No, but, like, like, you get three uses out of them. On the, you're meant to get 10? Nah. So on the packet, it says, oh, there's five, there's five razors in here. That's up to 50, shit.

Fawkes. Fucking not. Five shaves. I went to Costco and there was a Wilkinson sword, like Gillette equivalent. And it was on such a good deal. Like 10 blades and the actual razor. I've been using it for the last year.

What a bit of fucking kit that is. I've always been a Gillette'sman. But it's a really nice bit of it. Do my head, doing my balls a lot. I think it's a better razor when you get one of the fancy ones. I use Monscape. I also use Monscape. I'm sorry. What I mean is I use Monscaped.

Though I genuinely don't wet shave, so I only use... Nothing? No, I use the foil manscape, and the other manscape for me fate. I don't use any wet. I don't use like a Gillette ever. Not since I was like a teenager. Yeah, I can't...

I come out in a rash. It fucks me... I mean, I don't need it because I never go close to the skin, but it fucks my skin up so bad. Same. Yeah. Josh Shaw says, big washing machine and big socks are colluding.

Washing machines have a feature that eat one sock, making you need to buy a new pair. Sock industry makes trillions in sales of new... pairs and washing machine industry take a commission fee. Just I like it. I like it. Just check in the link. The sock is in the thing.

Josh, it's in the thing. It's in the link drawer. It's not a... It doesn't disappear into the washing machine. I don't know what you know. I don't know. Have you counted your socks recently? Do you know if that I don't even? Are these people living in cliches?

I just think like these are things that's just like a rumoured that never happened. Church roofs. Socks go missing. Like I don't lose. Sox me. You think so? You think church is needing

money for the roof is just a rumor. I've just never seen it in real life. You've got no affiliation or connection to a church. It would be like... Yes, I have. What?

Yes, I have. What do you mean? I'm a lapist Catholic. Yeah. St. Margaret Merdi's. Where's that? In Dovey? Yeah.

Right. And you live in Highton. Yeah. How have you got any affiliation to that? What do you mean? How would you know about their roof? I got married. I know, but you're not getting the fucking monthly newsletter, are you?

I'm on their mailing list. Oh, you fuck. I haven't changed my doctors either since I move, so technically St. Paul's is my church. Yeah? And that's in West Arby. So, get on there. You haven't changed your doctors, so technically it's your church? It's the same, in it?

Like, it's the all the fucking jurisdiction, man. The National Church Service? No, it is, though, in it? I'm still, my soul's still in West Army. If that's still, like, your pharmacy, then that's still your church. Is it a parish? that's a fact that is it

where's yours in fucking Preston what where's your have you got church pharmacies no what I'm saying is no no no no what he's saying is he goes back to West Arby

when he goes to doctors so that means he has to go back there for his prescriptions as well and also to pray can you go and get me that oitment alright it's where you're soul and take the sacraments as well so every fucking new like thing

you got with new doctors and a new church church. Yeah. That's mental. Could you be asked? By the way. He's like seven addresses behind

on his fucking driver license. Oh, of course. Adam's getting threatening letters to five houses ago. We know that. The church roof has collapsed, Adam. Come and pray.

Help us out. No, but that is his church. But that's got nothing to do with your doctors, surely. Does, it's all the same thing. What are you talking about?

I don't want to move doctors. Your old house. Yeah. So where's your church? church? My old old house, technically. I mean, I don't go, again, I don't go to church, but my church was imparble. If I went to church, I'd go to St. Paul's.

That's my church. Yeah. So, so I think this, isn't it? If I died tomorrow, they do the service of St. Margaret-Marys. Oh, no, I get it. Yeah. It's got not, right, okay, yeah, yeah. That makes me.

You're doing church funeral? What? Yeah. Why? Making me peace with God, just in case. You're like five guys or something? That'd be better, would it? Yeah.

For who? Way better. Everyone. Carl, Carl, for all of us. So we can have a cheeseburger and mourn you. Yeah. I suppose, yeah.

There's a co-off, though, by the same ball. There's no tabernacle in five, guys. This is going to be a shit funeral. When I die, I think I'm going to get religious. If I get, like, if I got like a terminal illness now, I'd make it right with Christ, you know. Okay, go on. And you'd be able to use the pharmacy for your medicine.

It's all there. It's great. You get, you know, awful lose. Redemption and my pills. So you get. a tomorrow. What's the first thing you say to God? You're like, hey, it's about all that stuff

you didn't want me to do. That's it. It's all you need to do. And if I do, I'll just say sorry again. Because I know the rules, mate. I've read your book. Hang on. Are you dead and you're talking to Jesus?

Sorry about all that. I won't do it again. I am in, though. I'm in heaven. Once I'm in, you can't chuck me out. So I'm doing it all again. Blah. Beat the system.

They don't talk about that, do they? They don't talk about when you get in. Or the whole thing is about getting in. in it? So once you're in, you're in. You can't fucking kick me out. Like, once I get in there, I can be... But what if your heaven is, crime?

Like, Bronson? My man's going to crime, heaven, isn't he? I don't think he's going to heaven. Yeah, but he is. He gets up there and just goes, Peter, go and tell him a sad, Salsland. Yeah, you're not going to...

Not even saying it himself. He asked me, you do it. You're not going to turn Bronson away, are you? Bronson. Bronson gets in heaven by threatening people. Let him I said, Sorry, let him in,

it's not waving. This was about socks. Jacob Edgerton says, Sox in the washing machine. Right, time to get theological. Come, mate, I'm so... Are you stuck? Fuck sake.

Come on. Having a bad day, aren't you then? Oh, dad. And now my cushion's wrong. Adam. The divas coming out. I want a wank in a nap. You've already had a nap.

You're doing really well today. Thank you, Adam. Yeah. I was worried you were going to get all done, you know. I thought that was a thing. I thought Finn was the verb. No, you've got a verb as well. We've all got a verb.

You have a little tism day sometimes, and you're just like, no, nothing's funny. Today isn't that day, though, but you're doing well, you haven't done that. I'm laughing at the verb. So I can't be doing it today because I'm laughing at the fact that you've made me a vote. Today isn't a danday, don't worry.

No, not having it today. Leave Alan alone. Yep. Fuck it. Come on, babe. Jacob Edgson says, my low-level conspiracy is windmills. There's no way them fuckers are real.

Sometimes one will be spinning at the speed of sound and the one next to it will be completely stopped. Someone turns them on. I'm absolutely convinced of it. And that's Jacob Edgerton that gets... Windmills next to each other? I think he means... I think he means wind turbines.

No, I think he means late 18th century windmills. He's fuming about them. Yeah, he's not wrong with. Like, how light, Hardy? Can you pick them up? What? Because he looked dead heavy. You know, like, the windlass.

Have you ever seen them on the motorway? They're so big. I know, but I'm saying heavy. Isn't like when they drive down the motor? like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They take up the old motorway. Yeah, but it can't be that heavy for it to get moved by the wind, do I mean, like the actual propeller bit?

Can I ask a question about the ones that are in the sea? Yeah, how. How far down are the poles into the sea bed? How far down is the sea? It feels like they should be at you. Yeah. It's mental, isn't it? Just put them near to the shore, man, make them shorter.

20 to 60 metres. Wow. What? I imagine they find a bit of the sea. that isn't a shallow, the shallow end. Oh, right. Because they're out. Yeah, there's not like in the middle of the Atlantic.

No. No. But how did they put them in? I don't know. But there's some off like, Klan did know, isn't there? Yeah, there's loads in the rail beach. You just see windows.

I think it looks really nice. People, I remember when I was younger, when they put them in, there was like a big kickoff. I think they looked cool. Have you seen the fellow who thought they were to cool the earth down? Oh, I love that clip.

It's just incredible. Last one. that car, not sure whether this is a conspiracy or a gap in the matrix, Easter eggs come wrapped in foil. But if you eat it, but if you eat half an Easter egg, the same foil doesn't cover half the egg. Is this big foil taking us for a ride? That's brilliant.

I don't think we can roll that out. It might be big soil. That's true. You can never cover it properly ever. It's always like a bit of in the middle that gets fridge on it. Yeah, yeah, you're on the fridge, an Easter egg when it goes a bit white. No, but there's nothing better than an

Easter egg that's being in the fridge if you foil it properly. Oh yeah, cold Easter egg? And then you... When it gets a bit of fridge on it? Wow. Does Easter egg chocolate go off immediately Jesus has risen? Because the shops, in Sainsbury's, they had the full Easter egg range and like 15

quid eggs were down to two pounds. What's because, you know, who are you giving them to? Yeah. Something likes chocolate. Like I, I, I, I bought an Easter egg after Easter before. You can't give an Easter egg to someone three weeks after Easter. You can just have a fucking big snack. Oh, yeah.

They're still in the shops now. But they normally go out of date like a month before the next Easter. So you can't stockpile them for the next Easter. They've already got to Christmas stuff out in Tesco near Ars, you know. You're joking. Get to fuck. Isn't there one in the middle? It's reasonable.

Oh. So there's one before this panic at first. Like there's, you know, things leading up to Christmas that we haven't had yet. Honoka. See David's Day? When's that? March the 1st. I was just shocked with that.

I got it wrong. Fuck see. Since Andrew's Day? No one knows. No one cares. Let's do some other words. Ooh. I'm going to have such a good nap in this break.

Went boozing, Carl. We did go boozing. We did go boozing. Yeah, went boozing with the young ones. There's a lot of... There's a lot of bumming chat. Whoa, chat? There's a lot of bumming.

chat. We've seen someone and we've heard a rumour that they got spit roasted. It's a man. Wow. This was a Tuesday, was it? Do I know this man? What? Do I know this man?

Probably, like, adjacently. Adjacently? Former Nottingham Forestryker. Wow. He's got a pineapple on his head and he gets bummed. You'd know him. You'd know his head. have a clock in its mouth

and a pineapple on it Paul says have a word with my mum lids I went into her room the other day and the clock on the wall is 17 minutes behind I told her she needs to fix it

but she told me not to because she's used to it and works it out in her head worst of all it's the only clock in the house that's behind have a word with her no

I thought about you leave your mum alone I think that's mental what happens if you're going to man round and he's late for work what happens if she's got a man round and he looks at the clock and he's like bumming her head clean off

like bombing her head to within an inch of her life like wow and checking the clock as he does it yeah why does so many mums get wellied on this podcast like why can't they she's got a clock that's 17 minutes behind and you're like she's getting fucked

I just like if there's a lad It's not the battery out temporarily dirty girl and then he's like oh I'm bloody late for me job you doing and she's like well I knew it in my head Brian says, Hello, boys. Have a word with my neighbour Lee. He's massive, just short of seven feet tall,

and he keeps on looking over my fence and having a little nosy when he's in his garden. Have a word with the big tall cunt for invading my privacy. You wouldn't want a medical giant living next door to you. That's so sick. If you're going to have a next door neighbor, you want a smaller one rather than a seven-footer.

I'm at Dumey Edding. You'd rather have next to dwarfs? Yeah. Do you reckon you can build a fence extension upwards? No. All fences are seven feet, so you must be on his tiptoes. No, it's not all fences seven feet.

Mine not for this reason. Oh. You've got two neighbors. No, I don't know. Can't see them. Nice. Yeah, if someone's gone off me fence, I'd be like, lad, what are you?

What? That must be, like, intimidating as well. Like, that's a scary person. I don't know. I'm imagining a man that's filled out. I'm not imagining Peter Crouch. No, they're almost always like Victor Webbingiama. Being poli.

No. Are they? Tall people are, yeah. Andrew the Giant. If Andre the Giant was living next door, that's different. I've got a mate who's nearly six foot eight. Tim Petch, he's a lovely guy. She's a very tall man.

Petty. He's got a lovely... How tall's Bondy? A lovely stature. when he stood on his money when he's stood on his money nine feet tall how old he told his body about six one

six foot six one nice we've met him several times I just wanted to make a money joke oh sorry Richard Mann says lids please can you have a word

please can you have a word with pretty much everyone I've ever met since I was a kid every time I tell someone my full name they end up singing the song from Fiddler on the roof or Gwen Stefani for the Ute it drives me insane but I don't know what I can do about it

without changing my name What's the Glenn Stefani son? Oh, if I were a rich man Yeah, what are your parents doing there? Is that the worst possible name you can give someone with the man? No, no. Pido man Right, yeah, that isn't a name, though, is it?

I'm going to go with Richard or Pido. Dick, man. Yeah, but Richard is. Dick. Oh shit, so he's Dickman and Rich man. He sounds great. Rich Dickman. At least he's not Pido Man. Linda, are we writing this on the birth certificate?

Yeah. Better than Rich. Pido man. At least there isn't a song called Pido Man. No one can sing. Leonard, man. Leonard, man. What's wrong with that? It just doesn't work, does he? Right.

By Pido Man. Leonard Mann. Shut off. It's like an alien like trying to like blend in. Yeah, hello, I'm Leonard Mann. Fuck off. Of you.

Take your mask off. You're going to who's Jamaican though. Leonard Ma. I enjoyed it. I reckon the last four minutes might be the worst four minutes in have a word history. No.

Richard Mann. Yeah, that's not you can do. We've got a Richard coming in after the break, I think. And he's a man. Oh. You deserve this. phenomenal. Mmm, smooth. Let's have a break.

And then we'll bring Rich in. World renowned snooker player, Rick Edwards. Thank you. Yeah, not enough people introduce me about that, actually. But it's true. When you've got a break of 29. It's not bad, man. Not everyone's got like a one-four-two in their,

in their catalogue, do you know what I mean? Who has? I don't think it was a one-four-two. Do you not? I did play snooker before we started recording with Rick. He mentioned that he likes a game of snooker. He's going to snooker at the weekend. This is where the snooker chats come from.

I had my own cue. That's how seriously I took snooker when I was a teen. Because at St. Margaret Mary's, my church. Your church, your pharmacy and your snooker club. The Holy Trinity. The St Margaret Mary's Parish Club, which is behind the church and affiliated to the church. Yeah. It's also where I watched the 2005 Champions League final

that Liverpool beat A.C. Milan on penalties in. Oh, yeah. I spend a lot of me youth there, and they have two snooker tables in the snooker table room. One names after him now. It's the Adam Rowe. The best place to put them as well, I'd say. Did the priests play?

Huh? Did the priests play in their get-up? I'd love to see it. The priest would often be in there having a little knock. Like, yeah. I've been not. Jake No, they were in.

Father Jenny, Father Jenny was a snooker player. Ellen Johnson. But it used to be 10p for six minutes. So you put 10p in the lightbox and you got six minutes. So you got an hour for a quid.

And, yeah, on a weekend. That checks out. Yeah. So just check that quickly. So on a weekend, me and my mate, Adam, is another person that's not just, I wasn't just going with myself. Richard Herring does that, doesn't he?

He plays snooker against himself. Does he? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He plays, he does he do it on a podcast? Yeah. Yeah, he records himself doing it. Yeah.

Does he try harder as himself? I used to, I had like a little mini snooker when I was a kid, and I would play myself, and I would definitely play harder when I was myself than when I was the other myself I was playing. Because you want to punish that guy.

Rick 2's getting it again. Every time. And then if Rick 2 was doing better, then you switch. Did you change your style for Rick 2? Yeah, Rick 1. Yeah, yeah. Have you got a Snooka nickname? Have you gone that far yet? No, no. Should we give you one?

I wouldn't mind. Tricky Rickie Edwards? Yeah, I'll take tricky Ricky. Yeah. Yeah. Actually good. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. That's not common.

in Snooka no it's just Ronnie. No, the Welsh pot machine, Mark Williams. I'm trying to Mark Selby, the jester from Lester. Are you kidding me? Try telling that to Ding Junui, pot noodle, which to be fair, it's one of those that has been, no, it is. No, it is. It's been slightly sort of, they don't mention it as much anymore, but he was pot noodle. That is Furno. Snooker's mad. Snooker's incredible. Snooker Loopy. Snooker Loopy. Yeah. Yeah, Jim Davidson presented the most popular snooker program. That should tell you everything you need to know about snooker. Yeah.

The pot noodle nickname would have been fine back in those days. Oh, yeah. Genuinely, Ding Junwee is... Pot noodle. Yeah. Without a sponsorship. No. That feels like a missed opportunity.

I am... But yeah, every weekend, we'd go the pub, which was the St. Margaret Millie's Parish Club, and we would go to watch the footy. We'd go for the early kickoff, but we'd get there, watch the early kickoff. at half time, squeeze a frame in. Yeah. I hate this with the church so close by. It's just horrible.

Father Jerry. Yeah. Put your cue away. And then while we were waiting for the late kickoff, we'd get a few more knocks in, you know what I mean? Sometimes Father Jerry had come in and he'd play with us as well. And you got a one for two.

Or did you get 14 twice? Even at 14's, halfway. A 14 is, by the way, fine. Yeah, happy with that. That's hard. I remember being a bit of a A bit of a ball,

yeah, yeah, yeah. But I did, I have my own cue, I think it was about 20 quid. Like, it was a good one. I'll be honest, anyone who is good at Snooker would know what their top break was and I feel like you're telling me

you don't remember. I've done a lot of stuff though, Rick. Yeah. Okay, well, I'm going to ask your best 501 finish in a minute so don't worry. Yeah, I think, I don't know what my ice break was. was a few though.

Two. A few reds and colours. We're kind of bringing it down from one four two quite a lot, aren't we? Yeah, but to a kid, a snooker table is like half a football field. Oh, it's mental. Yeah, the first time you see when you sort of can't quite believe it. I was quite tall for me age, though. He was tall that thing.

Especially on Father Jerry's lap. How are you, Richard? Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I've burnt my tongue on some coffee on the way in. It shouldn't happen when you're 46, I don't think. You're 46. He's older than you, Dan?

I know where this is going. Good for you for looking like that at 46. No, no, no, I'm just saying at 46, I should have retired burning my tongue when I was a child, probably. You know what I mean? No, but how are you burning your tongue as an adult? I burned the roof from my mouth on a chip last week.

A bit more acceptable, but with a hot coffee to do it. Watch a coffee order. It's a flat white. I mean, if that can burn your tongue, then it's being poorly made, man. What am I taking it back? Yeah. Flat white should be like a medium...

They should be lukewarm. It's like a latte. They've burnt your milk, man. I bet me so I'm going to grab a bag of pickled onion monster munch last week because he had the whole bag in one go. Well, hang on. Did you warm them up?

Your monster mules. What was it chemical burn? They've got... Yeah, they've got some kick in them. Yeah. If you did a whole pack of salt and vinegar discos, yeah, that would. Yeah.

For a bag of monster munch giant. Did you smash them up and drink them? No. No, no, no. That's mental. So, hang on. Is this story you ate some monster munch? No, I had to full grab bag of giants

and it burnt me tongue for like two days. Just a fact. How did you eat them? How fast did you eat them? It doesn't matter how fast you eat them if you eat that much because there's so... One packet? No, a grab bag man, a big fellas.

That's just two packets though, in it? Yeah, but on it like... I think the pace is important. How long do it take? I didn't take long. Okay. But, you know, they've got some flavour to them. They're potent.

Are they spicy? No, they're not spicy. No, it's, it's chemical. It just sort of, yeah. It's like a, yeah. It's good burn. It's like a salt and vinegar pringle as well. Good burn.

Do you drink water at any point in the grab bag? No. All right. Real bad man. My wife listens to this. Adam's coming in hot with his one-four-two storely. I don't have full packing a monster munch to be self last week. I don't drink hot drinks.

Like, I'm not a fan, really. Even if I get an espresso, it's just for the crackhead high of the cafe. So the one that gets me is when I'm feeling poorly and someone makes me a lem sip. I've just never had the judgment of just too hot.

I feel needy and I feel literally boiling water, isn't it? Every time I'm like, maybe it's ready now. Little tip for you with a lemship. Make it. Yeah? But leave like a quarter to a third of the cup empty. Make it. Fully make it. Fully make it.

and then top it up a cold water. You can drink straight away. I don't think I've ever made my own limpset. It's the privilege of... That is the level of tip that me... Me and my mate, every week, would write to Iceland's in-house magazine because on the back of the in-house magazine,

it had a feature where you could send in tips, and if you got a tip published, you would get like a £20 voucher for Iceland. And we were students, so we were like, this is fantastic. never got a tip published, always sent the same one in, which was the pasta jar, when you think you can't get the rest out,

a little bit of watering, shake it up, in she goes, never published. But it's a really... I didn't know Iceland had a magazine. In-house magazine. It had an in-house magazine, yeah. It was mainly like a sort of brochure of offers. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the back they had a little, you know, the editorial bit. Iceland doesn't even enter my head, you know? And it's a gaff, isn't it? No. I think about it every day because of the tips. Not one published. Is it a gath?

Does it sell anything that isn't frozen? Is it all frozen? Do you know what? It does. It's got a bit of like a sort of green grocer at the front. And there's always stuff above the freezer as well. Yeah, yeah. There's like tins to accompany the frozen stuff.

They'll go big on Easter eggs, I imagine, that sort of thing. When were you at uni? Because this sounds like the level of boredom that we suffered through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, 1997 to 2000. Yeah. Fucking dull.

It's really dull. Pre-profit internet. Yeah. Can you imagine? You were reading the Iceland brochure. Well, yeah, we were reading the Iceland brochure. Are we in? Mother.

Again? Where did you go to uni? Cambridge. Did you? Yeah. What did you study? A proper Cambridge? Started, yeah.

Started off doing maths, which you did. Yeah. Too hard. Yeah. It's too hard. Did science. Wow.

I just didn't ever want to use it and went into entertainment. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't. No. No. Any specific science? Yeah.

I specialised in human impact on the environment. So like global warming. Back then as well. Yeah, it was quite an early adopter. I was on it. While being a massive fan of Iceland with all their freezes. Yeah. We've got to call things.

down. People aren't listening to me. What Cambridge like then? Is it like a stuff? It's, it's, it's, the sort of the weird thing for, people don't really sort of believe this

when I say it, but it is true. I was not academic at all. I was just good at exams. And that's not really good enough when you're there because they really require you to work really hard.

And everyone is super, I sort of come on stuck with that at A level. So GCSE just basically didn't revise, but was just fine, just flew through it. And then at A level was just fucked it off. Slightly different levels, in it? Well, yeah. But basically at some point, you're like,

you get found out when you come up against someone. It's like when you've got a kid who plays sport and one's a really good trier and one's naturally talented. Eventually you go up the totem pole and they're really trying and they're talented. It's the same with education. I was like Eden Hazard. That's what they said.

He's so naturally he's a joy to watch. At snooker or at football? Yeah. At mass. It's just like he's just he's just he's the embodiment

of what we want from the game but he just, you know, he likes a pint too much. What year was this? Year nine. You know, it's focused on get him off the table.

Good look. But it's kind of trigonometry in it. Angles of the shots. Did you graduate? Did you finish it? Yes.

Yeah, yeah, I did. What did you go? 2-1. That's insane. Yeah, 2-1, and I hadn't done, I'm not done very much. And my friends and I had assumed that I'd completely fuck the exams.

And so when I looked on the, you have to go and look at a board to find your result. And I went to look, and I promise this is true. I looked at the two-toes, not there. I was like, fuck, looked at the third. not there and generally thought, oh, I've actually, I'm going to have to, my, my mum's going to be

really upset about this. I thought, I honestly did. And then someone was like, you're there. And, no, wait, look, it's a, you're in the two ones. But people, like, my friends are still quite cross about it. Because a few of them work really hard in different subjects and came out with the same thing. And, you know, years later, no one really, well, I mean, no one really cares anyway. But some of them are still quite bitter.

I'm quite fascinated by your career because I think one of like British telly's most recognisable faces and you've done so much telly and one of my favourite like scousism stories and you'd be able to tell me how true this is Alfie Brown who's a friend of yours,

friend of ours, a friend of the show. He told me he was once walking through Liverpool One with you. Yeah. And because you're so recognisable but because of the career where you're often interviewing people

and you're in charge of leading it, there'll be a lot of people who know your face, but not your name. Oh, yeah. And I believe some young Scali kid in the middle of Pearl One walked up to you and said, hey, don't you think you're fucking famous or something? Yeah, I mean, look, I don't, I don't remember. Completely unprovoked.

I don't remember that specific incident, but that happens almost on a weekly basis. Yeah, something along those lines. And, you know, people, it's sort of, it kind of winds people up that they recognize me but don't know who I am. That's the exact sort of level that I've ended up at, which is quite a funny level. And you can't like recognize that they're sort of recognizing you.

You have to wait because it'd be so going to be like, hey, guys, it is me. Yeah. You've got to wait for them to struggle through working out who they're looking at. But I'll tell you what actually happens is people say, what do I know you from? Yeah. And then you're in a position where basically I'm listing my CV. And they're just going, no, no, no, no.

I'm like, okay, I don't, I don't know then. What do you start with? I don't know. What's their fear, you feel is guys. You sort of got to gauge the person. Yeah. If they're old, it's the quiz I did on the BBC and that normally gets them. If they're sort of.

What if it was Finn? Bit, hmm, am I going like, tall academy? Too young? No, I think, to be fine, I don't think Finn's recognising me. T4. T4. I think of four. Yeah, go T4.

T4 in general. How old are you? 27. How are you getting T4? It's T4 for me 100%. Yeah. I'm 34, so that's my... To be fair, Rick,

it's snooker for me. That's how I think. Yeah. You remember my 29. I've got something you can say. I brought my cue in, if you could sign it. That'd be great.

I brought a pot noodle in. Because of the following we have, like people who know us and follow us and listen to the podcast are quite obsessive and they love us. Yeah. And nobody...

know you as well. Yeah, totally. But no one else even has a fucking clue who we are. And then those people get, like, annoyed that they don't know who you are. Like, you, like, I'll walk past, like, a group of students in town on a night out and they'll be a bit drunk. And, like, one of the lads will be like, oh, my God, Adam, have a word. Oh, fucking hell, lad. Can I get a quick picture?

And then one of, like, the girls there with will just be like, who even are you? And I'm like, this is, I didn't call to you and go, look. Look! He wants a photo with me. It's an imbalance, in it? Because it's quite a few, it's not that many people that know you, but the ones who do care so much,

that's the imbalance. Like, you, but for the one person in a group of 10, it's like trembling hands as they ask for a selfie. And the other people are like, hang on, why is this so fucking important? Yeah.

It's so irritated. And you're like, exactly like Adam says. You're like, I didn't want to irritate you. Yeah. I don't even want to do this. I don't even know you. I don't care either.

But you're... What do you think about that? You're not going to get that thing where people ask you for a photo. And as the photo is happening, you realize they think you're someone else. That is... Who do you get? That's really... Some people who...

So, Joel, Domit, a bit. Yeah. Although our switch has been noticeable. So it used to be that people would think he was me. It's definitely... It's definitely our way around that. And then Greg James, we don't look alike, just sort of tall white guys,

Nick Grimshaw, don't look alike, Jake Humphrey, which you know, because your mate sent you a photo of me on a train when he was sitting opposite of me and thought I was Jake Humphrey. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is, I've got to say fair, that, that. Who was that?

Someone said, yeah, someone took a picture of Rick and was like, oh, I went. Also, one of those that's like, I didn't know it was being taken, but it's really close up from the other side, the train table. Who was that? Yeah. I've got to find out that was definitely. At least it was Jake Humphrey that, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, he's not a bad looking, dude. It's not that bad. No, but do you, do you follow Jack Confrey's, um, do you, uh, you're familiar with his output? He's a very successful. Also, in person, lovely man. Have you seen the recent stuff he does? He's sort of in the underground cavern, and he's topless and he's sweating?

That stuff's crazy. It was Freddie Quinn. Freddy Quinn. Ladd, have I got heat stroke, or am I sat opposite Jay Comfrey on the train here? And I said, that's Rick Edwards. And he said, that's who I mean. Yeah.

See, that doesn't make it any better from my point of view. I'd rather it was heat stroke. I thought it was the other end of the carriage. He's literally opposite you on the table. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's one of those I might even have noticed.

And just but you sort of think, I can't. What are you going to do? Don't do that, mate. So how did you get into like presenting from a degree in natural sciences? I don't know how that happens. So when I was at uni, so I'd had a sort of problem at, school where I just got in trouble for trying to make people laugh.

And then at uni there was a comedy club. And I started to do a bit of that, so a bit of like stand-up and sketches and really enjoyed that. And it felt like it was a good sort of outlet where I wasn't getting bollocked. And it was fun. So sort of vaguely through that, I thought, okay, maybe this is a, so I was doing, when I came back to London, I was doing open mic stuff and, you know,

liking it, started working in teley behind the camera and then got started doing warm up actually, like audience warm up for a studio show because they, who are you doing warm up for? Ruby Wax. I remember that show, yeah, Ruby Wax Daytime show

where they hadn't, she was always. We've got Gok 1 and Ruby Waxes warm up guys in the same room. That's pretty exciting for both of us. Yeah. Gok Juan stripping for summer. What a bad booking that was. What?

What was that? It was a show that I... Was it called luggage or baggage or something like that? It was a live event at the studios in Manchester. Yeah. And I was just so bad at it. I was just a club comic. They passed me a piece of paper that said,

stop saying fuck. And I read it out loud. Yeah, perfect. Yeah, that's perfect. Bad book in. But it's not... Have you done warm up? No.

I was supposed to do it. and it didn't really work. It's a really cocky story from my end, to be honest. No, go on. I got booked to do TV warm-up for the stand-up sketch show. Yeah. And I had a good set, so they just put me in the show. That's true.

Yeah. We're going to change the name of this show. It's the Adam Roll show now. That's how everyone's experience of TV warmer. Basically, I asked, I was like... Did you have that after he did stop saying fuck? Yeah, yeah. That's great.

I'm actually... I'm actually got one now. Yeah. I don't know if you know. I knew that... He's writing for you now. I knew the cameras went on, so I was like,

I'm just going to act like I'm on. And then they were, yeah, that was class. I was just going to use it. Yeah, that didn't happen to me. It's hard. It's hard. I did it for Jonathan Ross a few times,

just as it was all kicking off. Oh, really? Andrew Stacks. Yeah. And it was a tense time. And he was just rebuilding some trust that never got totally rebuilt. Yeah.

But it's hard as a comic, Because when you do a gig, you're the most important person in the room. And I know that makes it sound dead egotistical. But for that 20 minutes, that's your 20 minutes and you are important. When your TV warm-up, you are just a cog and you are up, you're basically like a member of the floor staff with a mic. But the guys who do it loads who are really good, they're not even comics, really.

They're just like nice, affable guys. Actually, you know, Mark, Oval, he's a comic, but there's a few of them who just are sort of just, affable chat to the chat to the crowd, keep them sort of amused. They're not going on trying to kill army. They're going on to just keep it flowing. Loads of, loads of gags.

Yeah. That was, when I did it, for five minutes, I was sort of doing jokes. I was like, oh, they hate this. And then I just chat to them. It's sort of, sort of okay. But it's a hard thing. How long are you been doing it when you got TV warmup?

Because it's, are you relatively new at this point? No, I'm really new. Like, I'm not by any, I mean, I was never a good standup. I was sort of, I was, fine and I didn't do it. I mean, you guys obviously know this better than anybody. You just have to do loads of it. Yeah. And I didn't do loads of it. So I was fine. I think maybe if you are kind of good with the crowd, getting TV warm up dead early isn't a bad thing. No, no, no. I mean, it led directly to me getting TV work because people are like, you've done quite a good job there.

Right. But no, I mean, yeah, I was never, I was doing open mic stand up at the same time as Joe Wilkinson and Diane Morgan and I'd see those guys a lot and me and Joe did a double act for a while um that's fucking no I know I know I know it just doesn't end up in my thing I know it's a funny it's a funny pairing

um the the acts was called uh beauty in the beast it's fine um it's fine and it was like the premise was it's fucking stupid um and I still broken friends with Joe and he's he was

getting so much better than me at Stan. He was working very hard, but also he was just better than me anyway. And sort of watching that, I was like, oh, okay, I probably, this is probably not for meaning, because I'm never going to be as good as him. What was the premise of the Doublatt? I was, sorry, yeah, the premise of the Doublatt was. I was an egotistical lunatic trying to get his own TV sitcom. And Joe was my, it was my clean as soon.

son and the only person I could find to rope in to help me film these sketches to then send to TV channels. So it was Joe not wanting to be there and me making him read out these terrible sketches. It was like, it's quite like we filmed a taste of a channel four. Like it was quite funny. Yeah. And they, yeah, yeah. But a long, yeah, long time ago.

I don't think Joe particularly wants to revisit it. I think it should though. Yeah. I think if that news broke, I think so many people would be confused by it. It's very confusing. It would get it automatic PR. Is it lost media though?

Does that exist anywhere? Someone will have it on a hard drive somewhere. Is it on the internet? It's not on the internet. No. Lost media. I'm so glad my early stuff isn't on the internet. Makes me so happy that I just got to be a dickhead

and got to be shit without it just. Brand new comics and now. I'm like, got to get clips up. You're like, you don't. It's so much better to not have those clips up. Can you remember, like, a bit you used to do that would work that you are really embarrassed by, like now?

A bit, like, killed. Or, like... Oh, my bit about Attack of the Clones, about Yoda being a benefit fraud. Oh, it's so hack. I literally acted. Because if you've seen it, in Attack of the Clones, Yoda out of nowhere.

He does flips. And I was like, and all of a sudden, he's doing flip, he's like, whoa, flipping I am. And then I was like, and Yoda is a benefit fraud. And everyone was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, that's my best bit. That's my closer. That's what I was closing my like five-minute competition set with. And at the time, I was like, I've got my first, like, real closing bit.

And Jason Cook, who has gone on to be a brilliant comedian, and he's based in the North East, when he's being a twat, just quietly. if I ever gig with him, he goes, close on Yoda. Do Yoda, just a little job. When Joe and I were doing a lot of, where we were doing Beauty and the Beast and we were doing open mic, and I'm sure you would have had this

when you were starting out as well, where you see the same people doing open mic and they're persisting doing it, even though they are fucking terrible, and no one is telling them. But weirdly, you start, to enjoy that more than the people who are quite good. But people who are terrible.

Like we were obsessed. There was a guy, can't remember his name. Joe might remember his name. Every single time we saw him, he'd open with, he was balding or like receding hairline. And he'd say, well, as you can see,

my hair's receding. It's like, it's like my eyebrows are saying, step away to the hair. And every time, it's just like, there's, I mean, there's nothing. There's nothing. It's just sort of, it's the flattest bit. And he would do it. I must have seen him do it seven times.

No improvement, no tweaks. He's just like, this is going to find an audience. I've just got to persevere. It was like we, yeah. There was a guy, I don't even really mind naming him. Do you remember Dave Murphy? Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there was a lot...

So when Hot Water Comedy Club started, it was just an open mic night in a nightclub on a Sunday night. And there was a lad who used to come every week. Just like a proper stereotypical comedy fan. It wants to see as much of it as he can. The type of person you see four times and you go, they're going to do it eventually.

Like, anyone who's this into it wants to do it. Turning up with intent. Totally. And one week he's like, yeah, I've asked and I get on in a few weeks. so I'm going to go on. And it was just never good. God bless him.

It just never worked. But it was so not good that sometimes he would just accidentally smash it. Because when I was on, the other comics would be having a beer or going out for a cigar or like whatever. Because we're just doing normal stuff. When he was on, every comic would be at the back watching it. And all laughing would occasionally become so contagious that he'd just destroy the gig

because the audience are like laughing at the fact we're laughing and it then just became he just would murder the gig and there's a bit I remember him doing about people who piss with the cubicle door open

and I swear to God this is almost verbat you know what I don't remember this beer this is almost verbatim what he'd do and he would rant it but like I rant at the end of it has to get a, like, it has to have a point and a thing for it to work as a stand-up device.

And he'd go, you know, there's people, there's people, isn't there? And you go into toilet sometimes, it's like in a bar or something. And someone's having a piss and they haven't shut the cubicle door. But they don't realize there's gay rapists out there. And if they leave that door open, someone's going to just come in one day, the pants are already halfway down, and they're just going to get, I just think, shut the door. And that was the end. Shut the door.

And there'd be a three second nothing. And then every comic lose the mind and then everyone else lose the mind. And you know at some point he's putting his notebook, a bit of a delay on the laugh. Yeah. But still good.

Yeah. Must just be a thinker. Giving time. Give him time. So bad at this one. Also, it's like directly ripped off of Larry Grayson, isn't it? What? Larry Grayson's too old.

Who's like, was his catchphrase? not shut that door. Oh, right. Is that not his catchphrase? I love it. Was that what Larry Grayson was? Maybe I've missed a minute. I've never seen Larry Grayson.

Sort of thing my dad says. It's on the arches, Rich. Yeah. Great show. Yep. Well done. It was. Yeah, thank you.

So, okay. So, yeah, I'm just writing that down. I took a bit of time. Once they googled it, confirmed, yeah, fine. That'd keep him going for months, though. Yeah. Oh, we did it every week.

The drug that is a gig that goes well. Like even if the other 15 gigs in a row after that don't go well, it's enough to keep you like, you can see they've done four right once. There's a seed. There's a seed there. I've just got to nurture it. Yeah. Are you ever tempted to go back in the stand-up?

No. No, no. I'd be... The thing is, because I started when I was... I guess I was 18. And I was just cocky and just thought, yeah, this is quite easy and I'm funny, so it's fine. and I don't feel like that now

and I would be like, I'd be mortified. Also, some of the stuff I do, there's a bit, there's like a tiny bit of overlap, I guess. So sort of, but there's actually nothing like, I still do remember fondly a time when you would do a gig that went really well. Like the feeling is. It's incredible.

Also, you're now, because you're known as a presenter and you're known as Rick Edwards, the presenter, it would now be, oh, Rick Edwards is, doing stand-up. I think, like, because Carl is doing stand-up for the first time this year, which is sort of like a forfeit. Like, a few years ago, we said when we hit a certain Patreon milestone,

he'd have to do it. We hit it about a year ago, and it's been in the pipeline since we've actually got the date-booked in, now the tickets will go on sale for a turn. How you feeling? You're about to say what I'm feeling. Okay. It's now that... Real good. I'd like to hear it from Carl's place.

Are you feeling, Carl? It's going to be like a thing where Carl's doing stand-up. I don't get a fair crack on it really do you know what I mean yeah in a way but you also will have your fans but I always get the benefit of people you know people who they're not being excited to see it

100% but I also don't get the if it was something that I wanted to do properly I'm not really getting a fair crack at seeing whether I'm actually good this is not a normal first gig yeah for this to be a normal first gig you'd have to go somewhere on an open bill open mic bill

where no one knew who you were and then you'd have to really try to develop that five or ten minutes. How long are you going to do? This is all reversed. Five minutes. Okay. It's going to be a fire five minutes. So here's the thing.

Should we tell them the bill? Because two of the comics are still TBC, but we might as well just mention it now. Go for it. So our podcast tour last year, we did a stand-up tour. We called it Murder's Row. Dan would host the first half and bring two comics on.

I would host the second half, bring two comics on. Sort of like the comedy store runs their shows, but we'd change the host halfway through. We're doing that for it. So Dan's going to host the first half, I'm going to host the second half. Carl will be on in the second half. And the rest of the bill is,

once they're confirmed, but we're nearly there, is Danny McLaughlin, Sean Walsh and Tom stayed and Carl. Okay. I picked that line up. Okay. I picked that line up because I love them all.

And it's cool, isn't it? Yeah, that's, yeah, okay. To do a show, me and Adam grew up, loving Tom Stade, like he was a fucking god, the rock star. To do a show with Tom Stade is hilarious for your first time. Yeah, also, I'm going to do my Yoda bit. Yeah. See, Dave, I'll give you that cubicle bit.

I'll just take it. Mate, the irony is. But now we've mentioned it on here, it would fucking smash. Flary Grayson's though. Shut and off. Thank you. Thank you. Finally.

I get a bit of momentum with my Grayson staff. I nearly died in. front of Harry and Finn on Friday at the Cardiff Glee. Oh, wow. Why? We all went down to South Wales to do Sandro Ford's gig in Swansea. I thought I'd be dead clever and open the Cardiff glee first. Better earn a bit of stage time.

Great. Got to Cardiff in lovely time. The weather's out. It's dead nice. We had a drink. Yeah. It's dead sunny. It's not, but you know what he means.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? I just let it go. Sometimes you let things go. It doesn't matter. We don't. Stick in the brakes on me. The weather's out.

What? What weather? Just the weather. The weather was delightful. The weather's got his hat on. The sun was shining. The sun had got his hat on. And we went for some food.

Everything's really good. It looks normal. It's about 180, 190 people in. And without slagging anyone off. I don't think the host had the best gig. Yeah. It was pretty dicey. Dice.

Yeah. Like you said you'd never seen a compare of that much of a struggle. Yeah. Which is not, not, that's how I've got to do better than, I've done enough gigs to know you can walk on and reset the room. Fuck, I did not reset the room.

I really ran with her momentum and had a pretty ropey fucking five minutes. Yeah. They were properly rejected. Like my first bit has got me doing Nelson Mandela's voice. Now, when you're having a good gig, pretending to be Nelson Mandela a little bit, rips. Yeah.

When no one's laughing, seems really out of order. Yeah. It seems dingon-wee pot noodle out of order. I was going to say, yeah. I could have to start doing my ding in a minute. And at five minutes, I had a little giggle. I'd like to do that little thing of like, well, we are going to have a rough one.

And the beautiful irony of bringing three of my mates down with me to be like, yeah, come, it'll be a great weekend. Watch me rip all these gigs. and I was about to eat my balls. Did it pick up? It picked up fine. It ended as a good gig, which is the way...

I'd love to watch you have a stinker, you know? I'd rarely enjoy it. But that's the... You know your mate is good at stand-up when you'd love to see them die on their hoop. To just watch them do 25 minutes, just continually eating their own bollocks. Because after five minutes of a rough start,

you've done two bits. You can absolutely get that back. You do another two bits that don't work. You're now, the percentage chances of you having a good gig are massively reduced because how much can you do? Once you've hit 15 minutes and it's not working, you've done a lot more of this than you normally do as well. Yeah, yeah. A lot of them. Okay.

I just keep doing Nelson Mandela's voice. What's the Nelson Mandela be? You what? I don't know the Nelson Mandela. I mean, you've seen it several times. Have I? Yeah. It's not a Nelson Mandela bit, but I'm not want to do my bit for everyone and Rick Edwards.

I'd rather do Yoda. Oh. Should have a break done? Yeah. Yes, I think we should. We're going to start this section with a question. Where? Billy says, do you think there is any normal people

who are better than professional sports players at their sports? For example, is there someone in Dovey that could be a javelin champion or someone in Tanzania that could be a world. champion in darts. They just haven't, they just don't know because they've never tried the sport.

I was think this. I think this would sing in as well. I was think like maybe some of these are good singer but they've never like done an audition or. They've never just give it a go. Never like tried to sing.

Yeah, like the way Susan Boyle came out where she was in her 50s was she 60s and she was incredible. It's like there's probably loads of them. You think that's the first time she sang. I think she low key new didn't she? No, but I mean like it hasn't been shown to the world yet.

So she's like, she's hidden it away. I mean. There's, oh, there'll be some incredible singers that will never sing in front of another person. Yeah. But I don't know if there's any javelin people who are like throwing javelins, but like, this is just what I do in the shower.

This is a private thing. No, but like, you know, like people who like throw stuff in the bin, they probably go to the javelin, but like, Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, that's a different discipline. Yeah, the bin is a very different. away. It's a transferable skill though, isn't it? Is it?

Do you know what I mean? Adam just got that... Adam got that ball in the bin. He could be a quarterback. Yep, you missed. That sounded like it went in and to be clear it didn't. Somebody draft him. So if that went in,

what, you'll go to javelin. Potentially. It's a transferable skill, in it? No! It is. I bet you're Roger Federer is all right. He's a table tennis. He's incredible at table tennis. Exactly. That's to racket sports. He's more of a transferable skill for darts, than javelin.

Yeah. Or even an object. Phil Taylor would be on ice of javelin. Or would have in his haydair. Lots of chance. There's no heyday. It's always been a big fucking lump. Phil Taylor?

Yeah. There's no athletic heyday. You need a load of strength. I don't think dance is about strength. No, that's what accuracy and precision. Yeah. Well, but there's something. Isn't there that you could talk, like,

but they're not aiming for anything in javelin. you're just losing it as far as you can. There's no aim. Yeah, but it's not as far as you can, is it? Because if you go the wrong way, you're going to kill someone in the stands. You are aiming it. It is that way.

Just run that way. Yeah, but it's sort of generally, like there's a kind of, there's a triangle to aim into, isn't there? There's a bit of margin for error. To be fair. That is a massive bin. Exactly.

So maybe I would be going to, maybe it's easier than throwing your keys in the bin. The more niche the sport, the more unknown. Yeah. Who the goat. The unknown goat. Pol vault.

Polvovolt. How did you get into that? You have to be probably like from a, like, it's like F1. You have to be from a wealthy family to give it a go. Yeah, he goes Pearl Vaulting on Saturday. I could have been credible on it, but I didn't have the money to go.

I was playing for you with the boys. I met a kid who was good at Polvoort and he had, his mom and dad had built him like a Polvoort thing. Exactly. Yeah. In, in the garden and he was doing it. And he was like,

I guess he was probably the best in the UK in his age range. and then he just didn't grow. And so all of that time and time and money as a 13 year old. Wasn't such a height thing, that wasn't it? Have you got to be tall to me with a pole vault? Are you like that helps? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think you have. Isn't that high jump? You're going to be tall for that, surely. I think it's similar principle, isn't it? Dad's a such height. We'll build him a pole vault thing in the garden. You're like, chill out, Dad. I don't know, because like the taller of your head,

you know? So maybe if you're like four foot, you could just like, also eye jump. Like a springbok, you know what I mean? The pole's doing all the work. The most important thing in high jumps, getting out of the way, isn't it? That's the, if you've got to getting out of the way

of the pole, you're the goat, aren't you? Getting over it is. It's all this, isn't it? Yeah. Getting over it's definitely the most important. Getting over it is the big thing. But then the getting out of the way as you come down.

Yeah, yeah. So maybe tallness does not because there's more to get out of the way. I always wonder how to do that. It's like they find leverage in the sky. Yeah, to like throw their ass off. That's beautiful, man. That is actually.

The ultimate is the... What's the... The curling. Again, it's just a wealthy... I imagine you should... No, it's not necessarily a wealthy thing. It's just a particular town in Scotland. But there could be a Ugandan

that is fucking unbelievable at letting go at just the right time and judging it perfectly. But he's never going to get it, have a go, is he? I'd probably be good at Kowling because I was sick at Jingles when I was... A Kiel again?

You ever play Jingles? No, is that like the bin? You try and throw a quid, closest to the wall. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And the closest one gets all the quids. That's Kael, isn't it? Yeah.

It's just for the rich. All like lawn bowls. Yeah, that's the closest. Yeah. I think with the... Sorry to go back to the javelin. But there was a fella... I think he was an Indian guy

who won the Olympic javelin. And then javelin sales in India went through the roof. And now they will find... the next javelin superstar in India because suddenly loads of people have tried it. So they're kind of doing a bit of an experiment on this now.

Your brain doesn't go to India, does it? No, no, not at all. Where does it go? Where does it go? Like Serbia. You're right. The world that calls Czech Republic. Jan Zelensnyk, yeah. You're right.

Oh, so you're a big javelinist. He stole European. Yeah. That was so funny. He knew my man. He knew the holder. Just pulled Jan Zelensny out my ass. Not bad.

And he's a big lad. Can you do shopputter as well? Who's the number one shopweter? American fella, Randy, something? Wow, if you've got even half the name. Why is it not loaded? I mean, Randy sort of sounds right, doesn't it? For a shot putter.

Randy Barnes. Oh, wow. That's like a fucking skill. And he's Serbian, is he? Yeah. Randy Barnes. I think shot put The females

I always think like German German or sort of Bulgarian Absolgarian Absolute Bulgarian shot putter of a woman They all look like my scrunch ball from Matilda Rory Delafu should do javelin That's why I could throw the ball for

Yeah and he was amazing getting things in the bin as well He was a javelinist when he was a kid Yeah so that's what he was a transferable skill Exactly yeah there you go Yeah so if you're good at javelin You just have to play for Stoke that's great in it you know like you always hear stories of like footballers

especially like it's often footballers who come from like Africa like most Sala the story of him as a kid he had to get like a bus for like four hours of days training and all that stuff I do always think like there's probably kids who just couldn't be asked the bus but they can't do it so they've got like something to do

and they can't go and play footy but they've got the ability yeah yeah and mom's like no go and watch the bloody go watch the cows like my dad never really took me to footy until I was like 12 Yeah, maybe Jackson a generational talent

But he's washing cows Yeah, the cows aren't going to clean themselves, all he? Did you play much sport? Yeah, I did. Well, football, swimming, which is very... Like, you look like a swimmer. Yeah, I sort of...

I said that with too much stank. Yeah, I'm going to... Can I... I will edit out. You look like a swimmer. No, no, no. Because that's going to haunt me. No, because you're like...

Real venom. Yeah. You're like a fucking swimmer. I'll bet you. I'll get you in a pool now. You know the slippery bitch? You know the swim goat? You know what the swim goat is.

It's about Rick's size. Phelps. Phelps is the swim, he's there. It was Ian Thorpeed. Yeah, Thorpeedo. Yeah. Great name. You know, those guys have insane build.

So they've got really long torsos, relatively short legs and then massive feet. But they don't, they don't look normal at all. If you Google Phelps. Is that a genetic thing? does the water do that to you? I think it must, no, they can't be getting sort of put on a partial rack, can they?

No, but I just mean does all that time and water just turn you like part amphibian? That's a great question. I think the answers probably no. Hasn't you got like a bit more webbing than the usual person as well? You may be? I'm sure, yeah.

Yeah, I think that is true. Like his webs come up to like his fingernails. No. They don't. Well, look, if you're thinking of the Pokemon side-look that's what you're thinking of. Yeah, it's got web and no, only. He's got more webbing than the...

But if you've got massive feet and webbed hands, are you going to give swimming a go, aren't you? Please, God, this has got to be useful for something. The more you swim, the more your hands get webbed. Did you... Yeah, that's how evolution works then. Yeah, yeah. Doesn't tend to happen in a single generation.

No, it's... We love getting this, but I don't know he can't... If you just sit in water long enough, you'll evolve of it. It wouldn't be you. Like, your spain would go, oh, we're going to be in watermore. Give the kids web feet. No.

No. It's the same as you go into the gym, you go to the gym, your muscles get bigger, you get in the swimming pool, your feet get big and you get webbans. Oh my God, Rick, help me out. I'll shoot myself. I'll come up right now.

I'll pole vault off the fucking roof. Dan doesn't believe in evolution. I agree, I true, I love a bit of evolution. He's a creationist. He thinks God made Phelps his arms. Christ Almighty said it could get out the paddling pool. You'll have web fucking hands. Do you think I want some kind of duck, baby?

Yeah, that's how evolution works. Yeah. Time for us to make. A swimmer. Well, how does it work then? Genuinely, right, listen to this. And we got... Lovely, lovely.

We got Tivores Rick Edwards in to talk about the theory of evolution. I actually was in my degree. Yeah. That's just a time to do it. It's working worked out well. So, what they say is, don't you evolve to match your environment. Yeah. So...

Your genetics don't tell you. You're wet. You'll need flippers. Eventually it would. No, it wouldn't. That's not. the theory of evolution. So what is it then?

So how long would we all have to spend in the water with all of our families? With your families? I'm all my dad are in it. I don't think mom and dad needs to be in a soul, actually. You've already been born? You've already been born?

No, I've never said our children. Oh, right. So if I fuck my missus in the sea and we stay in the sea until she gives birth, and then we raise that little sea baby with another, like, my baby, like, I don't know, falls in love for Jack,

I've got a daughter, they have a little C baby again. Surely eventually, they'll shit out of a goldfish or something. After a million years, the baby will be different. It would be. Well, possibly. Possibly. Possibly. But what you're doing is,

you're conflated the surroundings, the habitat, with the flu, you're saying, oh, if I'm in war a lot, my DNA will change. It won't. That's why we stand up to get less of the sun of our heads. No, we have a... Your genetics won't change.

It's a numbers game. So within evolution, someone is born with a freaky little, like, bit of webbing, and that just by chance helps them in the water. At no point does your body go, Carl's wet, gonna need a fucking tail.

Flippers, yeah, it doesn't work like that. It's just chance... I don't think you've done enough reading on this. No, he's... He's... He's Bob on, actually. So why we stood up right then? Why didn't we do that?

Isn't that because of our environment? Because of the sun and our heads, we changed, so we had less of it on our heads. Isn't that us changing to our environment? Over millions of years. Over millions of years. Yeah, over hundreds of thousands of years, yeah. Yeah, we went upright.

So there's less sun in our bodies. Right. So let's say all evolution and development isn't, I know it's difficult, but it isn't, oh, my environment is making me something, your genetics don't pop out fins at any point. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? It's just basically it's all chance mutations and most of them are crap and don't get selected for and then every now and again one pops up that is useful and that then get selected for and then

that spreads in a population. So are that to have like a few kids? We don't know. And I'll want of them gets the feet. What's the next one done? Like a strong little finger for your phone. No. No. It makes me all do that, don't we? Be good to have a strong little finger. Because what happens then is

you have to kill off the 7 billion people through them not being able to survive like your kid who has a big thumb. I'm so. I'm on the line. I'm on the hook. I can feel the hook in my mouth. As soon as he said they shit out of goldfish,

you were gone. You're Edwin. But I genuinely feel alive. All we need to do now is mention Henry VIII and I'll have an aneurism. But what's next? We've got to have Sutton. Yeah, big thumbs.

Like our appendix are not using it. It's big thumbs. That could disappear. We don't use it no more because you're only grass. But he's got the science degree from Cambridge.

Where the fuck are you looking at me? I don't know. I think it's good speculation. It's great. But we don't know. Did you know theorise what could be next now? I think thumbs

because we're just using them and it doesn't offer any like reproductive benefit unless you start finding these thumbs attractive. It's possible. Do you fancy a shag? Yeah.

Yes, I do. Also, we're out of evolution now, aren't we? Basically. Nope. Yeah, we protect, there isn't survival of the films really anymore. Because we control our environment so much that most of it is not,

like there's no reason. Like, we could survive in any habitat pretty much. Humans and house of evolution, but not everything else. No, no, no, everything else is still in. Yeah, like, Dogs could start talking one day and then they'd be like, oh, they got jobs now.

So then the other dogs would be like, we should learn to talk us out. Loads of dogs have got jobs. You're in the airport? Yeah. What I mean? It's a good point. Like, there could be like, I don't know.

Oh, so Arangutan who learns Pythagoras Theron. Right. The problem is, if a dog is born and can speak English, it's probably going to get drowned. Why? I don't know.

Why are you? Because it hasn't got webbed port. Do you reckon to be able to be able to? boy born that can swim faster than a shark. Yeah, great. Nice. Good stuff. Richard Dawkin. Dawkins. Dawkins.

Hawking. Dawkins. Dawkins. Dawkins. Dawkins. He wrote a book about evolution where he sort of speculated on what animal would replace, if humans were wiped out, what animal then replaces us as the kind

of dominant intelligent species. Have a, have a good, Guess what he thought? It's got to be Yeti. No. Weirdly, it's not any of the sort of obvious ones. Giraff. Because love it.

It's not what Dawkins went for. It's going to be something like a raccoon or something. But yeah, better. It's like, it's basically something that reproduces really quick place. It's rats. Yeah. Rats would take over the world. Yeah.

I mean, you said he got no idea, obviously. But they are in a good position because they are in a good position because they can survive anything, they can eat anything, they can live everywhere, reproduce incredibly quickly. So mutations can accumulate quite quickly as well. And then you've got this massive niche. Does he mean like they'd be able to run stuff though? Like they'd be natural and the NASDAQ and that?

Literally, literally that. He's like, because you'd have a niche for an intelligent species to operate in. I wouldn't trust the train if a rat was driving it, though. The other rats will. You're not around at this point. There's only a rat car. Yeah. And the rats will be like,

Oh yeah, of course I'll get on the train. Gone driving it. And this is, you know, this is Dawkins saying this is not me. This is Dawkins. Dan? Brilliant dystopian future air car's going, don't get on the train,

full of rats. I'll walk, thank you very much. Yeah. P.S., I'm also a rat. What was that question? I don't know. It's about the javelin, was it? About the javelin, I think.

Unbelievable work, everyone. Can we give some advice? Big questions there in the end. Yeah? I like going down that, Ali. Dan Aiton. I love it, but the evolution one gets me every time. We're texting loads, so big thumbs.

Is it like AI in your brain, man? I said strong little fingers. Strong little fingers for the typing. Yeah, is it AI in your brain? Is that the next evolution? Well, they're going to put chips in, aren't they? But then eventually a baby will be born and a chip one of you in it. What?

We're not going to get microchipped. What? And then eventually, like, evolution will get to a point where it's like, oh, they're all doing that. Just put it in the babies. Fucking save the operation. Who's in control?

Box them off, lads. Unalang a tan off there, pie faggers. It doesn't mean a baby born for fucking ten years that they haven't put a microchip in. Just, just... What's a swear that in the baby's forehead? It's the fucking update, mate.

Just default that now. When you put in the heart and the lungs and that in, put a chip in. I'm going to give some advice. Okay, good. We can do that. Oh, the chip, Eva Lou. Oh, my God. Anonymous.

This is from Anonymous. It's from Jake Garrett. Hi, Lids. I need some advice. Please keep the anonymous. So I've been with my girlfriend now for four years. I'm 28 and she's 25. Basically, I want to have kids eventually.

And as it has recently transpired, she vehemently, vehemently does not. When this was brought up at the start of our relationship, she said the same, but at 24 and 21. And I didn't know whether this was going to be a permanent position of hers, but it is. I love it to pieces, but I can't help but feel that I'll regret not having kids.

So now I make the decision on ending it or giving it time to ensure we're both certain of our positions on the matter. I'm certain we already are. What do you think, boys? Love you guys, up the lids. So I do the breakfast show on Five Lives, so I'm quite used to massive tonal shifts. But this one,

fucking hell. My God. This is... Tonal Shiff. It would be a great name for this podcast. Yeah. I should do my own screech. Have you just spat your Rio everywhere?

I'll do my own. I'm so used to screeching that... Get your screech out. I mean, that's... That's perfect screech. Oh. Oh, Rick Edwards. That was good.

Oh. I think this is a deal-breaker. Yeah, it is, yeah. It has to be a deal of breaking of the mind. He's also an idiot. Wait, do you want kids? She told him. Do you want kids?

No? Okay. Ask you to get in three years. I've changed my mind. You take a point, though. When she's 21, I don't think I... I wanted kids when I was 21. You'd have asked me out.

I said yes, definitely. Yeah. And now the answer is no. She's saying definitely no, though, and always has. She's not gone, we'll see. She's gone no, and he's gone. We'll see. If when you get together with someone,

they say that, it's quite... punch you to be like, okay, there's no point taking this any further. At 24 years old. Yeah, you're 24, she's 21. You fancy, like, you're not going to be like, oh, no, it's not going to work out. I think it's fair that you've ended up in this position.

It's unfortunate. At 21, you don't know anything? No. You think you do? No. By the way, if you're dating in your 30s, this is a question that will get asked and people have an answer for,

and you would, there would be no way, well, we'll wait a few years. it's so much more immediate and final. Like if your date, I met my wife when I was like 33 and that was a conversation we had pretty early. Yeah. At 24 and 21. Yeah.

It's all a bit daydreaming, in it? Life changes so year to year that five years later you could have such a different view. Giving it, giving a go, isn't it worse? But I think you've got to say to here, you've got to be honest and go, I'm waiting for you to change your mind. And if she goes, I'm never going to.

Oh, then end it, yeah, you've got to end it. Yeah. No, the name. Sad, though, isn't it? That's sad. I don't know. It sounds like an idiot. She'll be better off.

Yeah. How old were you when you had kids? So we fast-tracked it with Loss because of my age. Yeah. No, because it was just, we wanted to have kids and it was... Men can have kids forever, can't he?

But obviously, the sperm quality lovers and you... And that's what I said to Laura on the first date. Yeah. The sperm quality or low. The sperm is just about holding out of the moment. I want my child to be born with a chip in its head. Yeah. fingers crossed.

She was like, I think you've gone too early, the technology's not ready yet. I was like, watch in the long term, but can we have a water birth? Because who knows? I want this kid to be an Olympian. Yeah, like Des O'Connor? Like Des O'Connor?

I said like Deso Conner. And she went, I don't get the reference. And I don't either. Do you know Larry Grayson? And she did, and I was like, she's a woman. So hang on, yeah, were you... 35 when Etta was born. Yeah.

So she's, is that right? Yeah, 35, yeah. Why? Which is quite old, really. Not old as in like an old person, but 35. You know what Laura said last night? She went, one of these gonna have fucking kids?

Like, when we started this pod, you were 28? 28. Yeah. Yeah. Our time's ticking, isn't it? Yeah. You know, 34 now.

I've told you, my stance, though, right now we don't want kids and that slowly becomes a final decision. we're 34. Do you think it will change? No. So when we got, we've been together 15 years and when we got together, we were like, yeah, we will. And then every, you know, we talk about it a lot. We talk about it a lot. And right now, it's never been more no. And that's not going to just instantly shift. Rick, it's because, it's because they've, they've met my kids and it's really affected the decision.

Actually, Etta was the reason they want one girl ever do. Actually. You can just borrow Etta. yeah exactly that's not the term of that you can babysit etter yeah you want to borrow my kid just check her out the kid library but that's good like you can do that yeah but right now it's so far no

and we're 3040 it has to take such a huge shift for it to make sense in the next few years that like quite quickly yeah and like she spoke about you know like permanent contraceptions like the vasectomy what's the woman's version of her

history of what possibly remember I said, don't do that. It's not a per- hang on. A hysterectomy is... That is way too much. Like Tuesday. So we spoke about it and I was like, I'll do it if you, like, whatever we'll get...

So we're already talking about that. So I think, trying to take a big old shift to go, do you know what, let's have kids. Yeah. And that's fine. And I understand people like friends who want us to do it because I think we'd be great parents. But I don't think we're going to regret either the decision.

We're not going to resent having them. And we're not going to regret not having them. And that both of them are fine. Yeah, yeah, you're absolutely right. Yeah. But that's not the stance I take on the podcast because it's more fun to give a shit. Absolutely.

I think you should just leave it up to the universe. Like, don't try and have kids, but also don't try and stop it. So don't have any contraception and leave it in. She's got the coil. Take it out. Take what out? Coil.

Tell you what? That is a good Catholic boy at heart. You know, he hasn't been to church for a while. Just leave it up to the universe, take the coil out, no contraception. Let's see what happened. That's basically Father Jerry, talking through you.

So this week, I don't know if she wanted me saying this. She'll believe her. She loves me. We did a test because she was a week late on her period. And that feeling of,

that like, immediately, this could happen also makes you make a decision at this age. How would you have felt? So you kind of put yourself in that position anyway,

don't you? So it's how I actually felt. It wasn't, And I was like, it was, I was leaning towards like, I don't want this. And so was she heavily. Because I was like, if this comes back and you are, we have to have a sit down conversation and make a pretty final decision at this age. And she wasn't.

The test was negative, obviously. And we both basically said, no. So I think the final decision pretty much has been made, which is a mad thing to say out loud, but it's fine. But if you're together on it, then... Exactly. And if she was... The problem is if there's distance.

So we talk about it a lot and I was like, if I change my mind, I will tell you that I've changed... Like, if it's changing and we'll talk. She said, if she changes her, man, we'll talk about it and it's, you know, it's dead healthy and whatever. You two are a unit, though, aren't?

You're going to make this decision together. And he's a fucking swimmer and you're a unit. But your relationship is more important than any decision. A hundred percent. Whereas people who are getting together and then have got a really strong idea of what they want to do and that gets such so messy when, like,

the most important thing is that you've grown up together, you're still together, you're still together, you will be together. You're more important than anyone wanting kids. Literally, yeah. And that's what it comes down. So if we're happy, it's good. And we are, so.

My missus is 27. So we've got a few years. And the doctor said my cums good as well. Nice. In those words, was it? No, he just went fucking desolate. Oh, Conner, you, lad. Fucking put a chip in this jizz.

How did they test it? What? How did they just like... A come in a bucket. A little bucket. Just like Father Jerry did all those fucking years ago. I'll put 10p in the light. I come in a tub and they put it under a magnifying glass.

And they're like, fucking hell, they're quick. Off you go. Come in a tub under a man in the same room. You just have a look, yeah? I can inspect the moors. Did Inspector Morse He was a police sergeant, wasn't he? Did he be sure what goes?

It's got to be homes. It's got to be homes. Who was the murderer? I came in a pot. He looked at it. Bergerac. Inspector Morse. It was just the busy.

It was you, wasn't it? I felt too. I can't do anymore. Rick, it's been a pleasure talking to you. I've thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks for tuning into our level of Yeah. Enjoy the snooker.

Yeah, I am going to enjoy the snooker. Let us know if you break 29. Hang on, you're not playing at the Crucible, are you? I'm not got a late, a wild card entry at the semi-final stage. Although we will, like, classic, when I go and watch the snooker

immediately afterwards, I just want to go and play. So we will go and play. and it will be diabolical. I bet you can't book a snook hall in Sheffield. I imagine. We have books ahead. So don't you worry. You've got to plan your fun.

With all the locals like these fucking tourists. Am I trying to get into snooker again? Six grand snooker next week. Yeah. Can't be. The one I had as a kid was like a Ronnie O'Sullivan one as well. Like he'd sign the box. Yeah, I remember I had the same.

Like it was printed. his signature was printed on the box. Oh, wow. It was like, Ronnie endorsed. He says, good luck. Unbelievable. And is that the end, is it? That's what we wanted to leave everyone with.

Tour tickets, Adamrow.com.com. at www.com for Dan and Friends. St. Helens is now on sale for the 30th of January, the year of our Lord, 2027. There's still some film club tickets left on Patreon. Probably a handful. secret of film with me, Harry and Finn, do a podcast at the end.

It's 10 pound a ticket. It's worth it just for that long. Stars in their eyes on the 31st of May. We're really looking forward to that. And Carl's standard debut is going on sale very soon. Have you got any plugs you'd like to do, really? No. Just the snooker.

Yeah. Could we finish with the Yoda? So, you know, you're watching the first three films, and he's like, oh, you're bloody yod, didn't it? I'm doing it more Spanish. It was quite bad at that. I don't know where that was.

Yeah, this, I've never been good at the yoder, in it? Yeah. And is he wearing a little sombrero? What's that? Bloody hell, in it? And then all of a sudden... Bradford yoga? What's he?

It is a bit rusty, isn't it? Racially contentious, this is. Borderline not clip-up. You should bring this back one, you're killing, really? I'm fucking smashing there. Some bits are just timeless, aren't they? Flip it. And that bloody even better.

benefit for God. That sounded worse than the voice. Oh, no. Oh, no. Finn, have you got me in your songs that you've changed the name of? No. This week, actually. It's your song? We got my song.

It's been a while. We've not had any releases this year. It's for PRS. This is from... Episode gets struck. The Kilimanjaro special. This is a tune I wrote called Beautiful Morning. I'm really happy with it.

I think it sounds great. It's lovely, like, ballad with strings and stuff. Wonderful. So, do us a favor. Go and listen to it on Spotify. The links in the bio. You must. Follow me on Spotify, all that stuff, all the good stuff. Enjoy it. Hi, Felicia.

The sun is up. It's all because...