Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #38 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 21, 2020

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What's happening, guys? It's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month, and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Now I'm getting the word Nuts Cha Upset me

Nasty bitch Catch me outside How about that Oh Jesus I'm big boned I'm heavy structured I'm hung low If I pull my shit out This whole room get dark It's the end of the world as we know it And I feel like podcasting

With video on YouTube On social media At Have A Word Pod You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game Have a word Shut down dailies Let's get through this mess together so Sweet Caroline

Oh my god Good times never feel so good So good That just reminded me of the Cricket World Cup Fucking hell that's just taking me back That Cricket World Cup was fun Really good the cricket world cup fucking hell that's just taking me back oh yeah that cricket world cup was fun um really good sorry we're recording a little bit late i don't i rarely well neither of us are bad at this we're very good at keeping time aren't we but occasionally we're like lad can we just

knock this back 15 or half an hour but i was like i need a full half an hour because i was painting the doorstep it's one of them jobs about to do and i'll be like i fucking really feel good that i've done it but as i was doing it i was like shit am i gonna get ripped for painting a doorstep maybe i won't tell him i was painting a doorstep if he says why were you late i'll say i was doing some editing no fuck i'm gonna say i've got is it it Tory to paint a doorstep? Is it Tory? Is it fucking Tory to have a doorstep? Proper, proper lower than working class

to paint a doorstep. Nice! Yes, mate. You're like middle class scum. What? You're trying to assimilate. You know what you are? You're liberal democrat there. That's what that is that's Tory that wants to be Labour

you're the fucking red Tory mate that's what you are you're the classic Blair eyes oh I'm just like you look at me painting me doorstep look at this meanwhile I've got a four bedroom house and a fucking good pension wow

you were nearly right up until the end adam you are my fucking pension this is my pension if this doesn't work daddy gonna be sucking dick on the doorstep come on i suck your dick on my doorstep god damn that's a nice doorstep remember give him a dick suck it's gonna be the the fourth patreon tier eventually isn't it 20 quid a month you get one blow job from dan i think we've already offered that out i'm so cheap i gave it out as part of the tenor you look really nice adam you've had a shave you've got your flowy little fringe not them saying i'm jealous but you do look better for it and uh yeah i forgot to grab a hat

so uh that's why my hair's out but i've had a shave it was getting a bit wild i liked it i wanted to sort of keep letting it grow and see how ridiculous it could get but uh jade said she was gonna she wasn't gonna fuck me until i shaved it so not into it you look about six years younger which i think says a lot about jade really she's announced she's i mean it was implied you did but you just didn't let the implication stand yeah you do you must be nice to have hair hey if i take that much hair off i look like i'm coming out of like chemo that's how bad that looks if i took even you know heavy drop that two and a half minutes into the podcast, we've got a chemotherapy reference.

Fuck me! Where's today's pod going to go from here? What did they start? Cancer jokes? Where did they end up? You do not want to know, my child. You do not want to know. Sometimes I think that,

I think if you go too hard to, because some people have sent us some stuff, and they're like, oh, you should do this. And if you go too hard to because some people have sent us some stuff like and they're like oh you should do this and if you start too too hard line i think you can end up coming full circle and just talking about like eccles cakes do you know what i mean so there's a chance that because we've gone like chemo and sucking dick within the first three minutes this ends up just going so what do you think about devolution for Scotland, Adam? Your thoughts? Speaking of sucking dick, right. Everyone in Scotland was like, what the fuck, this is going to get interesting.

Oh no, duck sucking it is. You trim your pubes. Oh, yes, mate. Oh, of course. If I can't grow hair on my head, I can't have a fucking bushy pubs, can I? If I can't grow hair on my head, I can't have a fucking bushy pubs, can I?

But I want to know what, like, what you do. Like, what, you know, when you're finished, like, how would you describe your area from sort of, you know, just the bit under your tummy, like the start of your pubic

region. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Down to, like, the back of your pubic region. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Down to like the back of your balls. What does. Right. I'll talk you through the stages. I trim my chest hair. Cause I'm not again.

You're starting way higher than I do. I start. You're going to trim me pubes babe. Starting with my neck. I'll talk you through it. I should. This is genuine. I start you're going to trim me pubes babe you're starting with my neck I'm 23 I shut this is genuine

I don't usually have a beard when the shutdown happened I went mental and I was like I don't want it I'm just going to be fresh

and I regret that now I'm growing it back I shave from from like my fucking Adam's apple down trim that

oh I've I've nicked a nipple in the past. Oh. Oh. So sometimes I just have hairy nipples and then shave the rest. And then there's that. Then the pubes, I take the zero.

I just go sideways for the pubes. I leave about a centimeter and a half of some growth because I don't want to look you're like balder piobs yeah just i need something but i take off the big you know like the top of the v i take i take that off right so then i leave that sort of like bit between your belt line and where your dick starts that's like the patio in it that bit so the dick the bit between your belt line and where your dick starts yeah is all gone basically

all gone and then there's like a centimetre of sort of trim pobs and then I shave I wet shave my balls see

and then never never go never shave the gooch because oh it itches within a couple of days oh I'm in a I'm in a

it is it is this is going to sound like I'm just trying to disagree with you no if you say you shave arsehole is this is going to sound like I'm just trying to disagree with you no if you say you shave

arsehole first this is going to be dressing top down all over again not quite that far but like from my beltline to me dick

I keep like six well exactly six millimetres of hair because that's what I put my shaver setting on right

and then and then from like a centimetre above me dick right including all of me dick and me balls of hair because that's what I put my shaver setting on. Right. And then from like a centimeter above my dick, including all of my dick and my balls, I use like a proper wet razor, you know like a Gillette MAC3.

So, hang on. You've got six mil of hair up top and then from the top of the dick down over the balls, absolutely nothing yeah so wait what your your dick looks like an american soldier in my head my dick looks like you with an afro nice one in my head i was like oh yeah oh fuck you Do you want to see? No No

No I want you to give me dick Just like the topper I can get you I think you can get kicked off Zoom For this sort of shit Go on let's have a look Oh my god he's going to do it Oh god

Disgusting Oh god he's taking it Oh he's in his Oh I didn't think he was going to Oh That's it Adam We're in the 10th second of it

Fucking move your laptop fam PC I prefer cancer jokes Right Why did you feel the inclination to see me I prefer cancer jokes right why did you feel the inclination to see me show me that when I was painting a doorstep I was like I hope he doesn't rip me too much

didn't think he's going to get his dick out today just the top of his dick episode 173 of the podcast right now I'm going gonna try and be honest and detach from the emotion of what i see because i think i've just been sexually abused via a laptop and zoom i did not get super fast broadband to see that with my eyes do you remember i told you about amateur porn that i don't like it because the guys are out of shape I felt like

that was the first 15 seconds of amateur porn and then my laptop buffered or something or the internet connected out and I had an erection looking at your fucking gooch not gooch, the patio what do you call that bit between the belt like a guy who's in shape is like

do you mean your stomach? no no no, My stomach is big and it sort of rolls over the belt line and then there's that little flat bit that just refuses to gain weight because it's been held in by a belt since I was 11. It looks...

It's no man's land, isn't it? Yeah, but the no man's land is the old perineum, isn't it? The gooch between the dick and the belt. No, no, no, because that's the gooch. This is no man's land. Oh, okay, fair enough. There's nothing happening there.

You know what I mean? the bells no no because that's the gooch this is no man's land this is okay there's nothing happening there i mean um i oh we'll call it the beaches of normandy so the bit between your belly and your dick so So many died. So many died at Dunkirk. As they took that last breath, I hope my sacrifice gets remembered on a fucking podcast. 80 years from now, these fucking idiots. Adam, where are you wandering off? I'm genuinely worried about

what's coming back into shot when you wander off now oh thank god it's closed it looks clean it looks clean I didn't enjoy it and I think I'm a victim now but

if I'm putting my medical hat on as a medical professional which I'm not I think it looks like a clean way of keeping the garden, you know, trimmed. Okay, well, how about we, out to our listeners, if you all want to send us a photo

of your Normandy, and we'll let you know whether we think, get them in to have a word pod at gmail.com. No! Daniel, no! Oh, are you going to show me? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. It can't be that bald.

No, it's not bald. Let me just show you. Look. I think it's the same. I just like growth on my balls, though. Oh, no! Daniel! I didn't get anything out.

You do not have to show me your testicles. Oh, no! I didn't get anything out. You do not have to show me your testicles. That would have been a bad one for Laura to walk in on, I think. She's already a bit suspicious of the podcast. She's a little bit suspicious because I think of the amount of R. Kelly we keep singing tell you what I'm bad for just if I have a bath I'm not a big bath guy

love a shower dangerous when you're like oh here's my Gillette Mac 3 and here I am nothing to do and then you just start fucking going for it Here's my Gillette Mac 3. And here I am. Nothing to do. La, la, la, la, la, la. And then you just start fucking going for it. That's what I did last night, and it worked really well.

I've never shaved my balls in the bath before. I normally, like, hover over the toilet. But it worked really well. Yeah, I just think good ball upkeep is, you know... It's gentlemanly, isn't it? I mean, you've gone from fucking part little tubby wolverine to like a you look like are you got a job interview what's going i don't know why you'd shave your balls for a job interview like some women try and make like

the hair on the genitals of feminists issue don't think they're like no i'm not giving into the patriarchy and if i want to have 18 inches of hair then that's my right as a woman and it's like yeah but you just want to keep it nice and tidy for any sexual partners no one likes a big rug down there do they well not in summer trading as well jesus christ that big will really ruin lesbian cricket for the season won't it get your sweaty rug out. Yeah, but have you noticed on porn, the old piobs are coming back a little bit. There's been a bit more piob action

in the last two or three years. Like, pubes coming back a bit. No, I haven't noticed. I don't check the year. When I find a porn video to watch, it's not like I'm selecting a wine. I'm like, what year is this? I don't know whether it's 2016 or from 10 years ago.

What a great year for lesbian bukkake. You can do what you want with your pubs, but if you're a guy and you're like, I don't do anything with them, I just think, you know, if you want anyone to go anywhere near it, they shouldn't need a machete is that fair you shouldn't have to like move pubes out the way to get to a dick to suck yeah like a fucking like one of your nana's old fly drapes yeah what's this it shouldn't be like you know like when you're in

your nan's and she's got those drapes and you have to like peel them back to look whether your taxi's there yet yeah it shouldn't be like that should it

no you should be able to see the taxi the second you look towards the window it's classic boredom though innit have you ever shaved your bum all yeah yeah yeah no

alright word from have you not no oh sometimes I have a little yeah I have a little shave over the bummer what for

to keep the boys happy um no just again just through boredom that's like while you're down there one side on the other

I think I'd like get out of breath try to shave me one more Jade Jade have you got a minute can you bring my inhaler trying to shave me one more. Jade! Jade! Have you got a minute? Can you bring my inhaler?

Bring my inhaler! Some Dettol! We're doing it again! No, Adam! No! We are! Have you ever waxed it? I've waxed my back.

No, I haven't. I went to get my back waxed, and I just saw the look of just regret. I saw the woman question her life choices before she did it, and I never went back, because she was very professional. Oh, no, it's fine. I do it all the time, but I saw that little thing in her eye like,

fuck my life. I should have got a GMVQ. See, the hair on my back grows weirdly patchy, so I haven't got hair all over my life, I should have got a GMVQ. See, the hair on my back grows weirdly patchy. So I haven't got hair all over my back, but I've got like three patches of hair. You've got... I've got three very big moles. Like three eight-inch moles.

This is going to be a difficult one for people to have listened to, I think. Even though they've not seen what we both saw, think they were like oh chemo guys that's a bit much and by now they're like no no no that was that was fine um i've got loads i've got the corn sorry i i went full shave last night so i got my beard trimmed all that up. And then I was like, well, you know, in for a penny. Let's go for the old, because I'd let me nether region get a bit wild as well. To be honest, it was, my face was mirroring my pubic region. I feel like we've gone into too much detail. Do you ever shave fully anymore?

Do you, are you all, you always have some form of facial hair. Do you ever shave the beard off completely? I did it about three or four months ago and it was such a bad mistake and also i've got to live with it for 10 years because a couple of days into having had a shave i had to get a passport photo done ah fuck so like i don't look like me when i'm like i look a lot younger when i'm shaved i look me age probably when i'm or even a bit younger when i'm completely clean shaven yeah it's nice that the beards are in fashion i shaved and then someone on twitter called me a nonce within a day and a half so that was nice wasn't it um i uh i hate it when do you know i hate anything where

you think you have to change what you wear or look like. Like, I'd be fucked trying to get a job interview. If, you know, it was like, well, you need to shave for the job interview. I even resent having to dress up for corporates. When they're like, oh, it's a corporate gig. And we're being, you know, but you do have to dress up in a black tie. Like, oh, just fuck off. Do you have, do you have, set things that you'll do

for a set amount of money when it comes to corporates? Like, I will not be told what to wear until it gets to £1,000, and then I'll wear a fucking clown suit. That's how that goes. Like, at a grand, I'd be like, what do you want me to wear? I'm stricter than that. So my lowest fee for the corporate is a grand. A grand? I'd be like, what do you want me to wear? I'm stricter than that.

So my lowest fee for the corporate is a grand. Yeah. Through my agents anyway. And for a grand, I'll wear dark jeans with a proper shirt and a blazer. Yeah, that's basically what I wear as well. I haven't got a suit. Two grand, I'll put a suit on. Right.

Because you can buy a suit with part of the £2,000. That's how I'd see it. If you pay me £2,000, I'll spend a fucking £150 of that on a suit. What would you wear for £3,000? For £3,000, they can put more restrictions on, what would I say? For £5,000, Adam.

David Dickinson. I've got £5,000 Adam for £5,000 David Dickinson I've got £5,000 you know if I turn up at a corporate and it's only like £1,000 or if I get it come through my agents

and they're like right but they don't want any jokes about this this this and I just won't do it right yeah they can tell me not to say like

cunt and twat at a grand but it's like two grand and above that's when I start going right tell me what i can and can't say there's two things here if you're listening going are you fucking for real talking about this level of money we're like these gigs aren't every week by the way so if anyone's

thinking every six months these fucking millionaires these fucking millionaires no we're dickheads who shave our fucking balls that's we're unemployed dickheads who are now ball shavers. But occasionally, these gigs drop in. Let's just state this. They're the hardest gigs in the world. They're tough. You go onto a room of 150 people. It's on big circle tables.

So half of the room are facing the opposite direction to you. They weren't expecting comedy. They don't want comedy. You get given a microphone that doesn't really work. And no one really... There's no compay going, give us a cheer if you've been to comedy before You get given a microphone that doesn't really work, and there's no compay going, give us a cheer if you've been to comedy before. There's none of that.

It's just, now, ladies and gentlemen, now that we've done the deaths of the year, and everyone was fired, rest in peace to those guys, we've now got a comedian, I believe. His name is Adam Rowey. And Adam Rowey, ladies andey Adam Rowey ladies and gentlemen that's your introduction isn't it awful it's it's not

it's not glamour it's danger money they are paying you they're not paying you because there's no there's literally no way that £1000 the amount of time like we'll do 25 minutes in the midweek I will do 25 minutes at a good local comedy club for a mate for 80 quid 100

quid a corporate on a on a wednesday like those like it's an awards evening for the cunt fucking it's a thousand pounds and this you're doing the same amount of time you're doing a lot of the same jokes that they're paying you because you do not want to be there and it's an all and some comics just have that threshold where they're like nah i, I'm not going, I'm fucking, I just don't do it. It just doesn't suit me. And I'm not the most corporate comic. I've not written a corporate set,

like Adam was saying. Sometimes you just, but I'll probably do two a year, maybe three a year. And the worst ones are the ones where you've already done it, you hated it, and they liked you.

That's the worst. And they're like, oh, you did so much better than uh mike fuck not last year we'll have you back next year i remember doing this and i actually upped the money because i was like i hated that so i upped i basically double what i asked for they came back met me halfway it was all the bills and the mortgage in one fucking night and the reason it was awful was actually at the gig, wasn't great, it wasn't terrible.

It was the three weeks before it when I kept thinking about the fucking gig. I was like, oh, fuck, I hate this. Oh, God, it's going to be bad. And it was a bit shit. It wasn't terrible. It wasn't like soul aching. It was the buildup of like, it felt like, you know,

at school when someone's like, I'm going to fucking twat you. And then the whole of the afternoon, you're like, i'm gonna get twatted i'm gonna get twatted it felt like the comedy and i i didn't get into comedy to feel like yeah oh that was magical we said that at the same time you didn't get into comedy for that and if someone said to you you can only do corporate gigs the rest of your life if someone said that to me i'd say, I'll go and do something else because they're so soul-destroying and shit. And comedy is arguably underpaid at other levels. So it's those overpaid gigs like them where you're like, do you know what?

I'm willing to do this three, four, five, six times a year to go, well, that tops me in and ends up from the rest of the year. Those gigs can pay for in Edinburgh. Pay for Edinburgh, yeah. My God, Adam. We're in sync. We're in sync. People don't realise, every person I speak to about the Edinburgh Festival

who's not involved in our industry, they're like, that must be amazing. You must get a lot of money to perform every day. And you're like, well, before you get up there, you're about 12 grand in the hole. And then you're trying to earn that money back from five pound ticket sales so two years ago i broke even by the end of the festival by the very end of the festival i broke even and me and laura were like haven't we done well and to be fair i did a lower budget smaller room just around the corner from you we hung out loads that that uh festival and

then we were like amazing i've broke even and then i worked out what i'd earned the august before so i was like oh shit yeah that's right i was back at zero fuck and those corporates can can pay i'd hate to be one of those acts are like yeah i don't really like corporates but they pay so well i do two a week i don't really like corporates, but they pay so well, I do two a week. I don't really do normal gigs because they don't like idiosyncrasies. They fucking hate most stories. They want stereotypes and piss take. Well, I'll tell you what, Scottish people are tight.

Hey! Yorkshire people are tight. Hey! Welsh people are tight. Irish people like a drink. It's the worst type of fucking stand up. And they lap that shit up. And then if you,

and then if you do a joke about you, most of my jokes are about my life and you're meant to laugh at them. There's meant to be like a laugh of recognition or whatever, or any nuance or any opinion or any hints of politics. And the corporate crowd corporate crowd like what the fuck are you talking about this for and you're like yeah you don't want it you're in a work environment you've not come to see stand up i'm inflicting opinions and my life on you whereas if you go scottish people are fucking well type they're like hey very good very fucking good it's

so depressing that type of stand up but they can't, for a certain price, they can tell us what they want us to say and whatever. And that's why, because of gigs like that, that's why I'm so staunchly on the side of, if you come to a comedy club, you're not allowed to get upset by anything any of us say because you're a guest in our house. If you come to a comedy club, you're coming into our environment and

we get to decide what we're saying. You can't tell me I can't joke about whatever because I'm where I'm supposed to be. You're a guest here. If you don't like it, fucking get out. I'm not asked. If it's a private gig, you can go, we don't want any jokes about giraffes. Don't come to a comedy

club and tell me I can't do me fucking six minute giraffe bit. And to be fair, if you're thinking well can you just we have no rights as a punter at a comedy club you just have the right to not laugh and if 200 people sat around you on your side you're right and we're wrong and if we if we get that wrong enough and you get that right enough then either we'll not get booked or we'll change our stuff. But what people like doing is going, excuse me, I don't like this bit, shut the fuck up. Whereas at a corporate for two grand,

if the manager's like, I don't like this bit, you're like, great, well, I'm sucking the corporate cock, so I'll say what you want me to say. And I just don't think that's good for your soul, is it really? If you're one person in a comedy club full of 300 people going, I don't like this actually. What does 299 people who do? You're a dickhead.

It's okay to not like it, but to try and get everyone else to change that opinion on whether they like it. I'm sure on one of Joe Rogan's episodes, I think it was Rogan. He spoke about this with a guest and he said, it's like going to a restaurant and you not liking the food and then trying to get everyone else to stop eating because you're not fucking happy with what that is i hear a lot of analogies about stand up and he has fucking nailed that

that is beautiful. I don't like carbonara. I don't like carbonara. Can you all stop eating carbonara, please? This carbonara is too spicy. Is this a hate crime? No. You just don't like spicy food, you fucking dick.

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Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Get them on Facebook, Insta, online, the lot. Nice one, lads. off everything i'm going i'm getting my saving these guys are amazing trans alloy wheels limited get them on facebook insta online the lot nice one lids i don't know about you but i'm feeling triggered it must be have a word with adam and dave oh adam i've got some i've got some varied and interesting tales and stories from our glorious listeners. On the subject of nicknames, this is from Peter Ronnie Williams, and he starts, Hi, thigh high and Dave.

Love the podcast. It's fantastic, and I listen every day while I'm in work. On the subject of nicknames, my nickname is Ronnie. All because in first year at high school, we had to dress up for some reason and I went as a clown.

But because I had wavy ginger hair, someone said I looked like Ronald McDonald. It stuck and now 29 years later, I'm still known by it. To this day, with a few of my friends not even knowing my real name is Peter. I even had two different signatures, one for official stuff signed Peter, and one for birthday cards and stuff signed Ronnie.

Oh, my God. Do you know what? I love stuff like that. I love, and this is, lads are very good at this. Just go in. No, we're just going to keep doing it. Yeah, we're I love stuff like that. I love, and this is, lads are very good at this. Just go in. No, we're just going to keep doing it. Yeah, we're going to keep doing that. But I was seven.

Don't give a fuck, it's stuck. I've got a funny nickname sent to me before. I put a before and after photo of me shave on my Instagram. If you don't already follow me on Instagram, please go and do it. It's at Adam Rowe Comedian. And the podcast's on there as well, at Have and do it. It's at Adam Rowe Comedian and the podcast on there as well, at Have A Word Pod. That's for our Instagram users.

Oh, oh, oh, quickly before you start, go and find our YouTube channel. Have A Word Pod has got a YouTube channel. Go and have a look. Subscribe. It's got the longer clips from the videos of the podcast. If we get to over 100 subscribers

because we've not pushed the YouTube at all, we get uh we get to basically name the youtube channel which would be great because as soon as we come out of the shutdown the big drive now is the podcast is great we want to we want to push the videos and get longer videos and better videos on youtube so sorry adam the nickname yeah so i on my instagram earlier i put a before and after photo of the um me having a shave and on both of them I was like shifting my eyes to to my right so Paul Blair the owner of Hot Water Comedy Club sent me both of them and said why are you doing that with your eyes and I said well me when I'm looking directly at a camera on my own in like a mug shot situation which is the style of photo taking me i drive

to me my because it just looks a bit weird so i i was just looking to the right because i was a bit self-conscious about me i and he told me about his mate who had a a bog eye when he was a little and his mate's nickname was millie granby because of his eye you got any guesses as to why his nickname might be millie granbyy? Millie Gramby? It's because there was two streets at the opposite ends of Toxeth, where he's from. One's Millie Street and one's Gramby Street. And he had one eye looking at Millie Street and one eye looking at Gramby Street.

To this day, he's called Millie Gramby. All right, Millie Gramby, lad. Do you know the kid who first thought of that? If that was a kid who thought of that nickname, that is the same twatty instinct that would make a brilliant stand-up comedian. Yeah. If you've got it in you to go,

that's fucking funny, one eye's looking that way, one eye's looking that way, we'll do the names of the street as your nickname that's the same you know when you see american roasts that's basically the same level of joke writing i used to get heightened and new brighton one night in one in new brighton oh and it rhymed talky and crocky talky and crocky the naggy dogs the naggy fucking dogs i love it that that the rhymed fuck Taki and Kaki Taki and Kaki they're naggy

dogs they're naggy fucking dogs I love it that Peter has been doing

this for so long that he has two signatures because his mates are such dickheads it's stuck for

29 years if he doesn't sound like cards happy birthday Ronnie they're like who the

fuck is this from Jill who's Peter we've got a dead grandad they're like, who the fuck is this from? Who's this? Jill? Who's Peter? We've got a dead grandad story. When my grandad was dying, we were told we could let him eat.

No, by the way, if you're a first-time listener, this might be a bit of a culture shock. But here, we do dead grandad stories. We do any funny dead relative stories. If you've got them, send them send them in so this is from ashley bowman when my granddad was dying we were told we could let him eat and drink what he likes and one of his favorites was licorice all sorts after three days of being sat by his bedside night and day my dad bought me some licorice all sorts so i decided to share them with my granddad i gave

him a piece of the coconut ones and two minutes later he started to struggle to breathe he's because he had been a chain smoker all his life but he started to struggle to breathe um and he died the family said the family said he had choked on the licorice all sorts, which was not true, just a coincidence. He was really ill. He had respiratory problems. Fast forward to his funeral, and the family placed a Bertie Bassett-shaped licorice all sorts tub on the front of his coffin. Ashley Bowman.

Beautifully done. Again, I love how cunty families are, even in the face of death like yeah grandad's gone hasn't he should we blame should we blame Ashley though

just to fuck him up the fucking the confectionist of death your grandad choked on a liquorice or something I seen a boss put a graffiti area

someone put it on Facebook or something it was a you da cried at your holy communion you da cried at your holy communion yeah how funny is that

this next one lacks something Zach Howard has emailed in and the email is entitled my dad is dead and it reads that's all really that's it he just emailed that

he went out of his day he went out of his way to think oh yeah you know you're doing dead grandad stories and dead relative stories I'll email that my dad's dead

that's it sort of didn't get the point of it this is an absolute belter from Thomas alright lids long time listener but first time

emailer here as a high risk individual nearing a month in isolation your pod is getting me through the days and I genuinely

look forward to it as a highlight of my day and I've signed up to the as a highlight of my day. And I've signed up to the Patreon. Appreciate you, fam. Really hope I can make it to the live show when this is all over.

I'm writing in with a story. Now, I know it isn't a dead relative story. It isn't a have a word or a would you rather, but I thought you'd love to hear this. This is the story of the greatest Christmas panto ever. In my primary school back in 1999, my head teacher decided we should do a Christmas panto ever. In my primary school back in 1999, my head teacher decided we should do a Christmas panto based on Christmases through the millennium.

As you can imagine, a lot of this was fucking mental. I myself played in a Hawaiian. To this day, I still have no fucking clue what a Hawaiian has to do with Christmas. But my best mate had it worse. Now, we're from wales and my mate has a very non-welsh name his name is christian kreischer which is austrian german and my head teacher decided that the role he should play in our primary school christmas panto

was adolf hitler as if giving as if given the Austro-German quid, the role of Hitler wasn't bad enough, my head teacher gave him the role because, and I quote, he looks a bit like Hitler, doesn't he? His mother didn't complain, didn't boot off. She supplied the Hitler costume. He did the entire scene for the parents,

including the Hitler salute, and nobody batted an eyelid. It still blows my mind that this was allowed, even at the time, even back in 1999. And to this day, his nickname is Hitler in the group chat. I swear to God, this is the truth and for evidence here is a photo of him on stage in his role all the best with the podcast hopefully see you soon thomas absolutely fucking superb hey i've got a little story for you about he sent the picture you know

he sent the picture adam he act he i've got it feels too good to be true that story i have a picture of a child dressed up as hitler on the fucking laptop and i will post it when i release when i release the episode today i'll put that as the artwork no okay or maybe i won't oh maybe not could you imagine losing the twitter account trying to explain to Twitter? Send it to me first, I'll vet it and then we'll decide whether it violates Twitter's rules and regulations I was in the nursery nativity play

and I was the only kid who was given a speaking part so I was playing the innkeeper so I had to say it was being narrated by the the teacher the nursery

person whatever you call her yeah and so she's like yes and Mary and Joseph went into the blah blah

and I had to go no room go away that was my line right I can't wait for you to have kids so I can come and see the school panto

the scouse panto no lads there's no fucking room in the area wait for you to have kids so i can come and see the school panto the scouse panto no lads so i was nervous and my dad was like you've got to fucking nail this lad you're gonna nail it so we practiced for like a week you're right so she says this and you say what and i'm like no room go away like more conviction adam you need you're the innkeeper. It's your place. I'm like, no room. Go away. And he's like, no, you need to be more confident.

No room. Go away. And eventually we got it down. So obviously all the parents are there for the school nativity. My dad's on the front row. We bought his little camcorder with him. And I only seen this video again about a year and a half ago or something

when he dug it out of his fucking attic. And he showed me. So he's pointing it out of his fucking attic and he showed me so he's pointing it right at me Mary and Joseph went into the inn and said we'd like a room please and I go no room go away and there's a two second pause and then I look right down my dad's

camera and go I did it dad and all the other parents looked at your dad like okay good luck with that one i honestly thought it was gonna go way more scouse than that and you were just going to get carried away and just be like fuck off get the fuck out of my inn there's no room get you, your baby and that fucking fella who thinks she didn't get shagged behind the bin get all out of me fucking inn alright, oh son of god is it

is that what he believes, does he believe you have a mean shag around, you're a hussy love, you're a hussy. Get out the fucking travel lodge, girl. Go and see if they're premiering a lavier, you daft cunt. Is baby da- er, baby da's the fucking god-

Rat. You're telling me that's god's kid to get in this place? I'm not soft, me. I'm not your husband. He looks like a knobhead him. Where you from? You fucking wolves. From Nazareth. Nazareth's fucking good as wolves me.

Oh dear. Thomas, I don't know. I don't know that's going to be beaten for a wee while. That is an absolute belter. If you have stories, virginity stories, if you have stories about nicknames have a word pod at gmail.com we'll do some we'll do some would you rather see stories breakup stories oh yeah would you fathers and oh no relatives we'll do some virginity stories tomorrow. Fuck it. We've got some corkers.

Some corkers? I've got a word you'd rather for you. Oh, you... I didn't expect this. Would you rather be itchy for the rest of your life or, like, sticky? So, like, imagine, you know, like, when your hands are all sticky because you've, like, got, like, honey on them or something.

Yeah. Who's that from? Someone sent that in, didn't they so we need to we need hey you know 81 i i've got a skin disorder so borderline fucking itchy already um no this is proper itchy oh thanks mate i've got fucking i got creams and everything oh yeah but you're not like like you'd be itching now constantly throughout the pod oh thanks mate I've got fucking I've got creams and everything oh yeah but you're not like like you'd be itching now

constantly to have the pod yeah it's horrible innit you look like a smack head sticky though yeah and if you're sticky when you shake hands with people as well

they're like oh yeah yeah yeah at least itchy is just your own nightmare sticky you just can't fucking touch anyone can can you? That sounded really pervid.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Don't worry, I've not got their own and I'm just sticky. I'd rather be sticky, me. You always just fucking pick the other side just for shits and giggles, don't you? Justify being sticky. Why are you so angry? It's indefensible, sir.

It's indefensible. It's horrible. I'm ringing the bullshit bell. Oh, shit. No. Hang on, you hadn't even really answered, so you'd rather be itchy? Yeah.

Why? You're constantly going to look like you're trying to get your next bit of crack. You're going to look like a fucking absolute nightmare if you're sticky like... No, you don't look any different when you're sticky. You've got to look a little bit different, haven't you? No. Or you could never go down a slide again.

Doing these adverts makes me want to go to Vauxhall Comedy Club so much when the shutdown is over when we're free when venues are open again if you like comedy

and you're in London or if you're visiting the Big Smoke go and watch some live stand up at the Vauxhall Comedy Club it's just over the water near the West End

really central on a Friday and Saturday night they have an amazing offer where they do as much booze as you can get a bottomless booze comedy night amazing comedians from the tv from the circuit it's 90 minutes free wine cider beer and it's just 25 quid there's also a spirit and mixer bottomless ticket and there's also an entry ticket that's just 10 pounds voxel comedy club is open monday to saturday and it is right next to the amazing Vauxhall Street Food Garden. So obviously right now you can't go, but as soon as you can, get down there, enjoy yourself.

Adam's played it, I'm looking forward to playing it. And in the meantime, hit them up on socials, at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Instagram, at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter, and Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook. The show is 18 and over, so if you look young and fresh, take your ID,

and if you look like me, fucking Grandad Dave, you'll get right in. See you there, Vauxhall Comedy Club. Nice one. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Wad.

What's happened? I just got a notification from my stock market app. I'm watching the price of oil i'm waiting for it to hit rock bottom so i can invest in some oil this this has not painted you as the working class hero very very well i i was worried i was literally worried before this podcast about painting a doorstep and you go you're a fucking sorry who you're my paints doorsteps you're fucking sorry and now you're like paint doorsteps. You're fucking sorry.

And now you're like, sometimes I say no to 2000 because they try and tell me to shave my beard and I'm also looking to invest in oil. Who's sticky now? Who's fucking sticky now? You're fucking sorry. I mean, you're not seeing how low the price of oil's gone.

Yeah, just go and fill up your fucking tank like everyone else. Stop trying to trade stocks. Yeah, just go and fill up your fucking tank like everyone else. Stop trying to stock, trade stocks. No, have you seen? It's like, it's got negative value at the minute, crude oil. Where are you going to keep it? No. You moron. That is the problem, though.

Jane, I've got four barrels. We're moving your bike. That is the problem. No, they've got nowhere to store it. You can't turn, like the collection of crude oil, you can't turn it on and off easily. It takes time to turn it off. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because no one's flying and there's not many people driving about in there. I've got a garage, so. They've got so much oil that they've now got no storage for it and it will cost them less money to give oil away than it will to find storage space

for it. So it's got negative value. It's like minus $40 a barrel. You'll basically get, you could get paid $40 a minute to take a barrel of oil. I've got, literally got, I've got a garage and I've got space at the back of the garden. I might invest. Is that how it works? It's dropping. The price of oil. I've got literally a garage and I've got space at the back of the garden I might invest. Is that how it works? It keeps dropping. The price of oil keeps dropping and dropping and dropping and when

it hits its rock bottom, it's a fucking guarantee. And you can also you can buy about 10 grand's worth of oil and only risk about 1,500 quid of your own money. Talk me through that. So you only have to have 10% of the equity you want to buy

right I'm lost but then if your money in the account gets to less than 10% of the value then it'll start automatically selling for it and you'll essentially lose a lot of money

so you have to have money in the account before it's like ah you dickhead it's not like playing. So you have to have money in the account before it's like, ah, you dickhead. It's not like playing champ man. You can buy 10 times the amount. If you had a grand in your account, you could buy 10 grand's worth. But if that dropped even by a penny, it'd start

selling for you because you've now got less than 10%. So when do you think it's going to hit rock bottom, stock trader Adam? Oh, Jesus. I reckon maybe tomorrow. 10%. Right. So when do you think it's going to hit rock bottom, stock trader Adam? Oh, Jesus. I reckon maybe tomorrow. And I'm ready to go. Oh, yeah.

How much are you putting in, mate? I've got 200 quid in. So what's... I'll get about 250 out in about six months. Excuse me. You're going to put 200 in to try and make a 50 quid back? Yeah, basically,

based on my calculations, if you were to buy about 10 grand's worth right now, in about two months, you'd have about 17,

18 grand to take out. But you'd only risk a grand for that, so you could make a grand profit off a grand. Feels good, doesn't it? Are you going to put 10 grand in

might buy 10 grand worth of oil for a and put a grand in yeah right cool before you do that could you pay

out my savings could you pay that invoice that I sent to you just before just before you do that yeah okay cool I'm risking my savings

to you man trying to trying to get a holiday booked for when this is all over yeah wow you i have to admit you the way you think that is just i just i think being married that is such a high risk thing because if i did that even on a smaller scale laura be like so where the fuck has that

money gone and then i'd have to explain myself with the misremembered shit you just said i'd be like no laura no idiot right because the sheiks in the middle east they don't have enough so garages right and they run out of space in their garage what hang on and then they were like it's dead cheap and it was basically free thing that's so i gave him i don't know yeah i'd be in a lot of shit if i did that but as i said to jade i'm gonna take money out of my savings and she was like really and i was like yeah and she can't tell me anything mate because we're not married there's no ring on that thing if i want to spend a grand of my 1200 pound savings i fucking can lad okay yeah give it time what's the what's the

time scale on you getting married with Jade? What's the... What do you reckon? I reckon another five years and then I'll think about maybe asking the question if she behaves. I want it to happen quicker just so you stop flaunting this financial freedom

in front of me. Never get a joint account, bro. That's what I'm saying. It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. You send us all your problems you have with your friends. But lately it's more problems with your family because you're not allowed to see your friends because you're not free.

We're in lockdown, lockdown, lockdown, lockdown. That's too long now. What? Cool. That was great. I love it, but it got too long. It was a 48-second song. Okay.

Lads. Can you have a word with my hypocritical bitch of a girlfriend? Oh, Jesus. Can you have a word with my hypocritical bitch of a girlfriend? She's having a go at me because I've put a bit of weight on during the shutdown. When I say a bit, I mean a bit. It might be half a stone. That's about it. She's saying this isn't what she signed up for because usually I keep myself super fit and that's one of the reasons she was attracted

to me. The thing is I work in construction so usually I'm on my feet all day and constantly lifting stuff so it's very hard to put any weight on. That's gone away for the time being and my diet hasn't really changed so I've put a few pounds on and now she won't shut up about it. The thing is

she's at least two dress sizes bigger than when we met. So who the fuck is she to say anything to me? I said this to her the other night, and she's been really moody with me ever since. Have a word and tell her that it's either acceptable for both of us to talk about weight, or it's acceptable for neither of us.

Nice one, lads. Andrew. or it's acceptable for neither of us. Nice one, lads. Andrew. I mean, I feel the first part of it really rung true because I am 100% half a stone heavier than I was at the start of this shutdown. All them biscuits have been eaten.

And Laura said that I looked jowly the other day, which is fucking brutal. But Adam's missus, that does not pay her in a very... Andrew, it does not pay her in a very good fucking light, does it? You're fatter. No, I'm not. I'm just saying it. I'm saying it because

I'm worried about your health. And even though I find it sexually repulsive, it's your long-term health I'm actually worried about. Andrew, I'm trying to save your life by calling you a fat twat. That's what I'm doing. No, I'm not being mean. I'm not being mean. I'm actually worried about. Andrew, I'm trying to save your life by calling you a fat twat. That's what I'm doing. No, I'm not being mean. I'm not being mean.

I'm not being mean. This heart disease is real. Lose some weight, you're disgusting. Well, you look a bit bigger. How dare you? You bastard. Yeah. See, this is the opposite bit of male privilege, isn't it?

This is female privilege. They get to talk about our tits, but we're not allowed to talk about them thick thighs that they be putting on. You need to get on the treadmill too, bitch. You need to work them pounds off. I didn't sign up for this shit.

I didn't sign up for you needing to take selfies from above to hide that second chin. Honestly, I only take selfies with drones. Hide that second chin. Don't honestly, I only take selfie with drones. Um, I think fuck it off and just get big together. Just get,

just get a couple of fucking mobility scooters and just forget. He'll take a, I mean, who knows what the shutdown is doing? Maybe it goes longer. Get all them biscuits, go to B&M get a motorbike and a big cheap biscuit and then just flop out your gun

you know we were talking about the patio let everything beyond the patio just get big and just flop it out over the handlebars and just the two of you can just fucking scoot together like I love you Andrew I love you big lass just do it, just get a big strong bed

move it downstairs oh this is disgusting sounds like he's up for that sounds like she's not though it sounds like she is like i should be allowed to get fat because i'm a woman and you can't talk about my weight because i am body positive so it's fine for me but you still need to keep me sexually engaged and that was only that's only going to happen if you've got a six pack so maybe you should build us a fucking wall in the garden or something to keep yourself in shape because I just can't handle you

being half a stone fucking heavy didn't sign up for this Andrew I don't even want an extension but you need to build the extension for our relationship you need to build the extension for our relationship. You need to build something, do some construction. Yeah, no, it's not a good sign that she's talking like that. She probably doesn't see that she's put weight on

and him saying that's ridiculous. But that's where, like, lads, oh, no, you're not. We're sensitive, you're not. It still hurts your feelings when someone's like, all right, fat lad, what are you doing? Socially, we're not allowed to be like like jesus that's really hurt my confidence there because it sounds like oh you're fucking big soft lad but as soon as you hint at like well fair enough like fair enough you've said that but let me say this you're looking a little bit thicker than a snickers that is really

no it's not yeah right it's right you know what i think lads she sounds like a bell you're absolutely in the right and i think what you need to do is next time she brings it up you need to go more aggressive with her I reckon that's the way to do it I reckon next time she's like look I've said this a few times now you need to lose a bit of weight you need to go listen you fat fucking bitch

shut your fucking mouth or get on the treadmill either lose the weight with me or watch your fucking mouth or get on the treadmill. Either lose the weight with me or watch your fucking lip. Jesus Christ. I've noticed that the longer you go on one email, the more you wind yourself up. In your head, you must be like, right, I've said what I think.

Now we need to take it up a notch. It's like a piece of material. What am I going to close on? Andrew, don't say that. Don't say a piece of material. Like, what am I going to close on? You fat fucking... Andrew, don't say that. Don't say just... Just, you know... Why can't he?

Just lean into it. Just lean into it. Get tubby. Yeah, get tubby. But if she starts whinging again, I'm with you. They should get fat together. But if she starts whinging again,

he needs to... He needs to stand his ground. Shut up, fatty, fatty, boom, boom. I feel like Jade should have texted at this point I feel like I should have heard a Party Good luck with that one Good luck with that relationship

Sounds good Sounds like a healthy time Why are you looking at me like that Because I can't believe you're not with me on i am i am i am i am i am i was told if you listen to everything i've said i'm totally with you until you went hey lad say this listen you fat fucking bitch and then i was like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa i feel like what's happened there is you and me are mates we're out for a drink someone started on us and you were like is that out of order yeah yeah and I'm with you and then you throw the first punch

and I'm in there with you and we're both fighting and then you get a gun out and shoot someone in the head three times and I'm like lad you took that where did the gun come from

why do you even bring a gun out that's how that felt like that went I was with you and then you murdered two people but those people wouldn't have got shot if they didn't mind their own business

fucking such a scouser innit you know what I seen earlier I want to have a word with someone actually someone put on Facebook I've decided that from tomorrow she's a hairdresser she said I've decided from tomorrow that she's a hairdresser. Right, right. She said, I've decided from tomorrow that I'm going to start doing,

let me get it up so I know exactly what she said. I have decided that as of tomorrow, I will work from home for people who are desperate to get their hair done. I will only be offering cuts and cut and blows. It will be appointment based only. So there is only one person at a time. After each person, I'll be sanitizing all cut and blows. It will be appointment based only. So there is only one person at a time. After each person, I'll be

sanitizing all the tools used. Ladies and girls, 25 quid. Gents and boys, 10 quid for the course, 15 for the fade. Cut and beard, 15 quid. Message me to book in. I mean, who the fuck is she? I've decided that I'm now

an essential worker because you know there's i'm watching a lot of selfies go up and everyone needs their fucking hair cut do you know what i mean well uh i don't know which tack you expect me to take but i'm going to say this uh i think she's an inspiration i think uh i think she votes republican i think she's a trump supporter and i i'm going to take her lead. And from tomorrow, I'll be running corporate gigs in my living room. And I'm only doing corporates for 15 to 20, like a small company, not an animal.

I'm not a dick. I'm not irresponsible, Adam. Small company. My fee is 800 quid. And I will wear whatever the fuck you want, unitard, clown suit. I'll shave my bum off. You can see it. you can not see it. Yeah, I think we'll have gigs at my house.

And that's because I'll wash everything down. I'll wash the mic down. I'll wash the mic lead down, sanitized in it. So what's the problem? What could possibly be the problem? Okay, cool. Have you got any gigs going? Fucking stupid bit.

Oh yeah, I got it. Really? Fucking fat. You know what's really funny? The first comment on that post is just the words, stupid bitch. Right? It was the first comment, just stupid bitch. And I love that insult

because it's got so many layers to it for just two words. You're stupid. You're a woman and you're a woman I don't like. A bitch isn't necessarily just a woman, isn't it? It is. No, it's not. It is.

If you call a man a bitch, it's not the same as calling a woman a bitch, is it? If you call a man a bitch, you're basically calling him a whiner, which is calling him a woman. I have decided to step off this island. I'm not saying I agree with that, but that's the way it's used. Defo. Any women listening?

I'm with you, sisters. Hang on. If I said to you, stop being a bitch, what would you have to be doing for me to say that to you as a man? Yeah, alright, fair enough. I see your point. It's just aggressive. If I said to Laura,

stop being a bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What would she have to be doing for me to say that to her as a woman? I don't know. I'm not saying I agree with that. I think the podcast will be in trouble if you came to this house and said that.

I've been having, I've been having lots of vegetables and I'm now Wokey McWokeface. Okay. So I'm not saying I used that word, but it's definitely a gendered term. So go fuck yourself, say. Okay? God, you're such a little bitch when you get in your eyes and fucking full of vegetables.

That's a fucking pod, isn't it? Fucking boot. Today's band is called Weekends Away, and their song is called Far From Here. I listened to this one before when I was prepping the pod. It's fucking sick. Go and find them on social media

weekends away with Far From Here. We'll see you all in a day or so. In a bit guys. See you later. Sometimes I think to myself That I will be stuck in the same place forever My dreams are so far away But then I think to myself

I will find my way Oh, there is something great outside This place I knew as a child There will be something great outside the wheel Make her smile But that thing is far from here Thank you. Oh, there is something great outside this place I knew as a child There will be something great outside the world Make a smile, but that thing is far from here

I know we'll get out of this place one day Just me and you There's no need to be sad no more, cause girl, I'm with you. I want you to be happy as can be. And you don't have to worry about a thing