Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #381 with Julian Deane - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: May 16, 2026

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comHAW x Stars In Their Eyes Tickets: https://www.skiddle.com/e/42247092Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukFilm Club Tickets: https://plazacinemaliverpool.savoysystems.co.uk/PlazaCinemaLiverpool.dll/TSelectItems.waSelectItemsPrompt.TcsWebMenuItem_976.TcsWebTab_977.TcsPerformance_23863058.TcsSection_1791Finnlay K - Beautiful Morning: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/BeautfiulMorningAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's new EP: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/AllInYourMindThanks to this week's sponsors:Heights | https://heights.com/haveawordEnter code HAVEAWORD20 at checkout for 20% off your first month!Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Saily | https://saily.com/haveawordDownload SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, Leds. Before we start, this amazing episode. Need to tell you about our patron is one of the biggest in the world. For just three pounds a month, you get an extra episode, the patron exclusive, every Wednesday. If you're enjoying the public episodes, you will love the patron exclusives. And then there's the full back catalogue of all the patron exclusives and the patron specials. The patron specials are unbelievable. We've just released Kilimanjara, our biggest special yet. But we've got the whole back catalogue.

It's about 50 specials now, I think. Two Amsterdams, Nashville, India, all the lockings. Yeah, and the TV show level standard stuff we do as well, like the bake-off and other stuff. So we put one of those out a month. There is a huge back catalogue. And if you become a Patreon, you basically get first dibs on live tickets.

We've got all sorts of shows going on, not just podcast shows, but also mine and Adam's shows. If you want to come and see me do stand up. In August, I start Dan Nightingale Friends, Dan Nightingale and Friends as a tour. Dan Nightingale.com. It's me doing the first half and then Ishan's doing loads.

Rob Mulhollons doing some Phil Nicol, Mark Nelson about 32 dates around the country. Dan Nightingale.com for that. Adam is going on tour as well with fashionism, his new hour of stand-up and that is at Adamrow.com.

com.com. You can go and see the dates and get your tickets there. Yeah, an absolutely brilliant stand-up and, you know, me and my mates are pretty good as well. So, patreon.com slash have a word pod.

That's it, really, isn't it? Enjoy the episode. I thought you did that really well. Thank you. Very smart. Sucking up to the boss as well. Yeah, yeah. Enjoy the episode.

It's going to be a belter. Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only. Have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN. The very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed. Get on me.

I keep getting coffee stuck in my moustache. Oh. Let me smell it. Smell what? Wow. Oh. You do? It's quite long.

You didn't breathe out at all then. I got a strong Americana vibe and that's not just from the fashion. I'm getting a trim today just so you're all, you know, fuck wood again. You're going to change the style of mustache? No, I'm keeping it sort of relatively flat and thick. And the sides are going down again. I've got a gig for the BBC tonight So, you know,

needs to be all neat and trimmed. The man, yeah. Coral, yeah. Oh, the man. I've either gone far right or woke, depending on which Twitter algorithm you're on. Wow. Um,

away from the BBC gig, does your lady ever complain about the, um, how do I put this delicately? The tickle of your tash on her clit. No, it's a bonus, isn't it? Yeah, it's extra. Yeah, okay. If my face was a sex toy, you'd pay extra for this attachment.

I'm sure they could put little bristles on her. Yeah. Mr. Potato head. Pussy stash. Mr. Potatoer, Bughead. You can get a full Mr. Potatoer up there. She's a game girl. Yeah.

I actually think the fact that it does tickle a clit but all the way around on what it actually looks like. Because when I first started doing musseys, she was like, I'm not sure about the mussy. And now she's like, I fucking love your mussy. And I think it's the orgas. Nice. She likes the bristle, the bristle comb. You can get your tongue right up.

Oh, that does the second. You know what I mean? Tongue right up. Yeah, yeah. Do what he means then? I don't know if you understand what he's putting down. Tong gets the back wall while the muzzle rubbs on the clitoris. Back wall.

And if we're ever confused, he does little diagrams in the brakes. That's nice. How far in a way? That is about four inches. Hey! Hey! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That we're both shy.

Like that. I think he was a big proponent for the mustache. She encouraged me to get it. But then I had yoghut the other day and I just had yogh in the mustache and I think you put it off a little bit. I need to, I'm not good at trim in mine. It's a proper flavour savor this.

Like, oh my God. Did you just invent that right now? If so, kudos. I'm branding, man. Do you know what I mean? I, uh, I don't bother trying to do it myself because I always fuck it up. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like I go too short or whatever. Occasionally I'll do my lap. lines just like so you know uh shakespeare i wouldn't trust anybody with my beard i feel like apart from josh grow cut that never does me beard oh shit really you got a beard guy i've got a guy who cuts beards i don't ask him to do it though cut my own beard oh i use manscaped you don't have to um go down to uh 4 4.5 yeah on the thing that look at we've started it we that's not true laura started cutting jacks

hair because it's 16 pound a pop which I feel like listen it's been a long time since I've had a haircut I think it was about six quid last time I got my hair cut but she gave my lollipop at the end

she gives her a threat a threat can you tell anyone about this no she's got a mullet have you seen his mullet yeah she cut like because I have used the Monscape and that's what she was using

she just went in too far the mullet went too high but it was one of those ones where you instantly want to go, ah, you fuck that, but it would cause problems. Oh, so he's a child, he doesn't even know. It's, she saved it real well. It's a quite an aggressive side shave. It's more a Mohawk now.

It's definitely a mullet, but another, another centimeter, it's a, it's a flowing mohawk. Yeah, class. But she's done really well. I think it's class. You should cut hers. Like, they should be like,

well, if we're saving money on Jack's head. How much is your head? I'll do yours. So Laura does that. in their netter shaves my head. Oh, that's a circle of life, isn't it? You cut Lord of the mullet in? Austerity measures.

Exactly. I think she looked fucking great with the mullet. My mum used to be a natty in the barbers. She'd take me the barbers and she'd be like man-marking the barber while he was like cut me here. And I used, you're seeing the pictures of me as a kid. I've got to fringe like down to my eyebrows. I thought your mum did it.

No? She instructed a professional to do that. To cut it like how she would. And I used to always always. always be like, mum, I hate this fringe. And she'd say things like, no, but it makes your eye less obvious. And then she wondered why I didn't believe her. And she was like, I like it.

Your eyes crazy. Adam, I think you should get into emo music. I know you got into it, but get a big fringe. Look, look, sad. Well, you're never tempted for the Gabrielle. Gabrielle did that, yeah. My mum also used Gabrielle to try and be like, see, the sky's the limit with eyes like yours.

Dreams can come true. Oh, Kim Lee. Every eight-year-old boy's dream Go in the hairdressers. I want the Gabrielle. You know what to do. Yeah, I'll take the pie to patch off. Yeah, whenever, like...

Because she used to listen to Gabrielle a lot. That's who reminds me more than anything. Same. My mum loved Gabrielle. I think she's such a mum artist, didn't she? Do you know what I mean? Absolutely, mum central. You be so...

It's not on to do with the eye. She just coincidentally loved Gabrielle. Well, I don't know. To be honest. I love Gabrielle, me. Yeah, yeah, I think there's a bit of both going on. I think she did, because you can't deny. The woman had some fucking cheese.

Do you know what? And there's a pair of pipes on it as well. Yeah. Lungs. Yeah. Lungs. Yeah. Adam, I think I know what I want for you, baby.

I'm so proud of you. You're just following Gabrielle's foottips and become a British R&B singer. Footstips. Footstip in South Africa. But whenever she was on the tele or on the radio, my mum would be like, yeah, she's got an eye like yours. It's good, did he? A famous one.

Hey? Class. What's your finged down? Was she the one with the eye patch? Yeah, but she also had like a sweeping fringe over the eye in case she didn't want the eye patch on. Yeah. I wonder what it looked like.

She builds an eye patch into an head. Yeah. I've never actually seen her eye. I mean, she worked pretty hard for you not to. Yeah, I've never seen her. When you Google Gabrielle's bad eye. Oh, no. This feels intrusive.

He's allowed to ask. Do you mean? Is it my people, man? This is my N-word. Not her M-word. Lord. I mean, you can't really... It just looks like she's looking at the sun.

I think she has. Well, like it's all dried out? Yeah. It's just a... It's just an eye, man. Yeah, it's just a nigh. A knife for an eye. But she even...

She was on the mask singer a couple years ago and they took the mask off and she still had that on. So I wonder if every single week she was still doing that, even if she's under a mask. Gabriel was on the... mass singer.

They rate the stink voice. And the one I saw had Tony Robinson on. Yeah, you've been watching the bad ones. What the fuck? There's been... That's cheating, man. That's the whole point in it. Michael Owens won, honey.

He didn't win. Oh, Michael was on it. And then Gabrielle turns out with her fucking pipes. Gabrielle didn't win. I don't know. Recognise them. Tits anywhere.

Don't even sing. That's Gabrielle. Next. Seal Green was on it, wasn't he? Sele Grame was on it, I mean? I noticed. Gabriel probably does want you to look at her tits.

If you look at her eyes, she's like, I hear me tits down here. Who's skunk and antsy? What? But I don't want your promises. Skunk and antsy tried to kiss my mom. Skunk and antsy tried to kiss my mom. Don't want your promise. What?

Skunk and Nancy. Skunker Nancy, late 90s, slightly off to the indie genre, but everyone loved them. Bald woman. Yeah. She was on the black lady, yeah. She tried to kiss my mum,

and my mum was... Had two or three bangers. Skin from Skunkananasi. Oh, skin from Skunkanasi tried to kiss my mum. Every indie kid had the list of bands that were into, and it was the same ocean colour scene, the sea horses, Oasis, the Verde. Everyone liked the same, the pulp.

The pulp. The supergrass. And then, but everyone liked Jamariquai because they were just class. And then Skunk and Anzzi were massive as well. Didn't he's, what'd he done? Wait, didn't he not want to look on a man in Alden's tits? No.

Winona, he was, Winona Ryder, that's he. And he... It was gorgeous back then, as well. When they broke her, she's still gorgeous now. Yeah, but me back then. When they broke her, she's the one who lers us off with Rachel and Friends. The Coconut Woman.

Oh, my God. She is? Easy. Yeah, of course she is. Oh. No, no, no, right. And they broke up and he was like, yeah. The thing is, it hits her bigger than they see him on the telly.

And she always just wants to fuck me. all the time. It's doing me heading. That's why he broke up with Winona Ryder. He just wanted to drive as McLaren. Oh, he had a phenomenal car collection. Yeah. I've been thinking, like, if me and Alex

have a break up, I might try and get in touch with Winona Ryder, see if she wants a young book. From GUNA. Hey, Winona. From GUNI. No, the other one. No, the other one.

No, the other one. Keep going. In, draw on his number. Well, I haven't got it, love so good love. Have you seen Johnny Depp's tattoo? If we're not around her? Does he still love her? Yeah, we're not on a tattooed on him

and he got to change to whino. Because he loves wine. Obviously, did he broke up? Oh. Did he broke up ages? He got, that's not doing it. I just think if you get a... Oh, dear.

Oh, it's sad. It's not all of it well. If you get a girl's tattoo, a name tattoo, I mean, all wild decision, but you've got to, like, ride it out. That's part of your store, isn't it? Isn't it a wild decision? To turn it into Wino?

Because every time you look at it, you're like, ah, it says Wino, but he knows it means Winona. You're married with two kids and you're pretty deep into a mortgage. Like, surely now's the time for you to be getting Laura tattooed somewhere. Let me talk about my fucking mortgage. Six of 25. You know that, do you? I've got option.

I have no options. What could you change Laura to, though? What? Leather. This is why she left me. I've got Laurel Narzhi tattoo. Maybe it's for Laura. Right.

So I get, Laurel Biden citizen. How about that? Nice. Nice. Yeah, okay. Well, you call her laws, don't you get laws?

And then if you break up with her, you get a change to sore throat, use a lozenge. Great medical advice. Are you not well? Are you not well? Oh, I'm gone. That's a nasty cough.

Three, your tattoo. He's got a Dominic Calvert Lewin tattoo. That makes her... What? Your bird's got a Dominic Calvert. It's not true, though, is it, Harry? It's not true. It's Dominic Calvert Lewin's butterfly tattoo.

She got the same one in honour of Dominic Calvert Lewin. It's just not the same thing. That is true. Yeah? Yeah. Listen, these had some questionable decisions. She had a fella bin laser a house onto her arm, and that's still, you know, not as bad as the Dominic Calvert-Lewin tattoo.

But it's not a Dominic Calvert-Lewin tattoo. It makes it. It's not, because I could go around going, yeah, you see that tramp stamp on my, that's Jan Venegor of Hesselink's tramp stamp. But if you got it in honour of Jan Venegor of Hesseling, yes she did. Yes, she did because he was a wily striker.

All right, the stance aren't there, but the vision on the man. And in the, you know, Dutch League did some numbers. Fuck you. Don't know of Calvin's, like, brand is a butterfly. So she got it because that's a kind of is. Yeah, Jan Venigour of Hesselinks might be a tramp stamp.

It isn't. is it? No. No, it's not. What's the longest tramp stamp? It's a picture of Dominic Calvertloon. It's right there. It's just like a tribal thing.

No, it is a tribe. It's not like a symmetrical tribe. It's not like a quote, is it? Yeah. What's the quote? Only God can judge me. You know, that Alan Cochran bit about someone having that

a tattoo and he's like, wrong. Fucking brilliant. And no, it is a butterfly. Oh, right. Yeah, it is. Yeah, she's got a, yeah. So every butterfly that you see in a woman

is a Dominic Calvert-Luren tattoo. And that's a fact, you're right. What colours the butterfly? Black. For Dominic Carverloin. Faded. Oh, he is. Oh, Lord.

Nothing player he used to be. Actually, he's doing quite well this season. Maybe she is going to, like, you know, done again. I'm proud of me. I like it. I like the time. She really disliked. likes it, but if I can see it,

things are happening. Is that her only tattoo? Is it on a cox? That's a good question, isn't it? Is it on her coxics? Yeah. I thought the bum shop was closed. Well, that's the closed side. You don't do any bumming, do you?

You can use the front door. Careful, careful. But you can't use the front door. I just want to talk about it. Partial opening. Partial opening times. Oh, wow. Bang holiday times may be affected.

Exactly. Be you bummer on Easter Sunday. It's what Jesus wanted. Wow. He's risen again. I'm plunging. Anyway. She can't see the tattoo.

Why does she ate her? Unless she's constantly looking over her shoulder. Cheers. She's a very nervous woman. Every time she's out, naked, she's constantly looking over her shoulder. I'm like, put some clothes on. You'll feel much.

more confident. This is my nudism. You know, I don't like my back tattoo, but I can't see it. That's a good job. Yeah. Doesn't mean he's, I understand,

but you'll still clock it, you know? Yeah. She's got two. She's got one to two tattoos. Do you know what's really funny? Do you remember that old show? I can't remember. Remember Mr. the Mrs.

Yeah. And like you had to like get things right. This would be like question one. How many tattoos is your missus ago? Yeah. You've already lost. She's definitely got two. She's got two.

I'm almost sure. Are you know that one's there? You're just thinking maybe there's another one? Or you question them whether that one is there. Oh, that one? thousand percent is there. Has she got something on the tummy? I think she has.

Caesarean scar? Yeah, that's it. That's the one I was... She's got a tattoo on her back and a cesarean scar. And that's for Dominic Calvert Loon as well, because he's the dad. She's a real fan. Yeah, she's got two and a scar.

And what's the one on the groom? Sheep. Shape. Shape or sheep? A sheep. Shone. It's shown the shape. It's shown the shape.

Got it done in Birmingham. When you visit Birmingham, it's hard not to come away with some sort of visual memory. What's the tattoo then? You've been to that town. You've been to that town more than that town. It's a sort of a tattoo-y shape. You know? It's one of them little shapes.

One of them feminine sort of shapes. One where you just pick it from the book and you're like, yeah. Oh. Like a triad time. A triad time. Maybe she was a triad before you got together. She's a triad. She's a triad.

It's always a worry. in it. That's like she'd ever show you. Her brother does look a bit Japanese. Maybe she's in the Yakuza then. She's in the Yakuza. Or maybe the tattoo is for Yakuba. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's going to be one of these.

I tell you what, to whoever. Forward, Matt. She loves Southeast Asian crime gangs and Everton Strikers. And that really has caused problem. You both shied. You need to remember, or ask, ask him, where? Go on. I mean, tattoos just say.

Nora! Norn? You don't know that? She could have got one this morning. She could... Do you know what? When I last saw her, she had none. Now, it's like Schrodinger's tattoos.

I don't know. In fact, if I'm not stood in front of her, I don't know with tattoos, she's gone. It's like me. Yeah, I'm going to go with none. I'm going to go with 1.5 and take the over. Have you got the bollocks to ask her?

I haven't got my phone with me, so that's worked out well. You're left at home? I have a phone free down. I put it in a tub of acid just to avoid this phone. My eyes are watering. Are you going to revisit your tattoos that you were going to get done? No, my...

Is that phase past? Started boozing here, my psoriasis is flared up. Everything about me so sexy. I'm really having a bad time of it. But you're having a good night's out? I've had a few brilliant nights out. Yeah. But my skin is annoyed.

Where's the non-soliasis bit of your skin? Where's like the most? Where's the bit that's not getting affected? Is any red? Dick, four red. Never. Oh, four red. Or four red, does it?

Yeah. You cooombe? Or? I can't say no. That's just pandering though, isn't it? You find me more attractive now. You've only got one, haven't you? Chinese.

I've only got one from the live show on the bot bot. And Adam's got none. Has Alex got any? Yeah, a couple. I'm in a very similar situation to them. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

She's got two, I think. you've got twoish everyone's very attentive are you gonna check don't be checking nudes oh he's no he's a message hey gale how many tattoos have you got

job done Vin are you into tattooed women uh not like Jody Mottie not Jody Morsdy is it Jody Mawdy Joddy Morris the forward Chelsea player Not for me Not like Jody Mottis Dennis wise Jody Morris

Crucially Never played up front for Everton So not a tattoo. My family would be getting any time. Not like loads of tattoos. No, it doesn't do it for me. But the odd one. Not like one of them like neck ones.

No, but like, do know what I do like? It's like the ones where they've got like a few, but they're just like kind of random. Like Jack Finnegan? Yeah, I fancy Jack Finnegan. Oh yeah. Who doesn't too? No, by the way.

He's got 32 tattoos. Exactly. Go on. I am into when a girl has like those random ones. Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. Oh, I love a sleeve. A cool sleeve on a lady.

It's too much. Why is it too much? It looks cool. I don't know. I feel like you should be bald and middle age to have a full sleeve. Oh. No. Our tattoo is just turned up. Also, if you can take the pain of an, you know, a tattoo, you're probably taking it up the bum on you.

Oh, I don't know about that. That was leapt, man. What, what leapt? You've got a tattoo? Yeah, that was giving a try. Buy me a wine. Surely you get hairs to get more tattoos than they get bummed? Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. If a girl's like, yeah, I like a bit of tattoo pain, then she's, you know, a bit of the bum pain. She's just going to be like, I'll get over it. Just put some numbing spray on. I have a similar but different thought on the matter. I think if you've got loads of tattoos, that you've got a box that's like just the right side of stanky.

Right? And there is a right side of stanky. It's got to be an half of them now. Like, outcast or something. I don't mean? The right side of the way, actual preference, right side of stanky. What are we doing? got coming shower gel and all fresh.

Oh, audible. Too easy. If you're looking a girl out, you want it to taste like pussy, you don't want it to taste like dove, do you? If you're down there, it tastes like lynx Africa, you'd be like,

fucking hell, love. Yeah. At the same time, you know, you know. What the hell off. An hour of high rocks, yeah, that's a bit of fun. Eight hour shift at Morrison's.

That's the wrong side of stank. A hour of high rocks. It's more effort than eight hours. What the fuck are you doing? Morrison's I'm no no it's not just effort

this is you've got to bring in the time factor car an hour of highrocks does not necessarily mean a smellty biff and also there's a deli counter at morrison's that swings

yeah you don't rub your biff on it yeah sorry love you can't work the deli counter did you do highrox before work not a chance I would rather

it tastes like stuff on the deli counter than cleaning stuff again though do I mean oh now I'm forcing well then the men's a stay quite neutral, aren't? Because if their pH gets fucked up,

they, you know. What I'm saying is, like, if it was freshly clean, then she'd just use, like, Vosine down there. You're not eating that, but if she'd rubbed a bit of chopper on it and you can taste the meat. What's Vosene? It's champagne for children.

What's chopped pork got to do with it? What's chopped pork got to do? Adam, I'm doing a roast. Come and count my tattoos. What's chock? All gonna do with a bottle of Vosier. What's that? Is that like the fucking...

Do you reckon women talk the same about men the way, like we're doing now? Well, yes. So you think women say, I don't mind if his cock's the right side of stanky? Yeah. I think some girls. I don't think all girls are doing. Girl chats are rude and they... Oh, 100%.

They're just not as like okay with saying that. We're very similar. The podcast isn't as big. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just wondering whether they're ever like, ooh, you know, I don't mind that after an hour of high locks,

but not an eight-hour shift. Sainsbury's changed supermarket up. No, it's got a better job. Still a long shift. Do you reckon Staines-Bres is better than Morrison? Yeah. Yeah. It's got more of a...

I'd put it as a slightly... Yeah, it's in a different tier. Oh, I don't know, you know? Morrison's is towards the bottom of the supermarket rankings. Oh, no. The music and roticity bit, just like, bumpy. No, Sainsbury's is in a thing. top tier. I'm just going to do this

before we continue this conversation that we need this because we went from vaginas to an earnest conversation about the best supermarkets way too quick. Carry up. Sainsbury's is up there. Yeah, I don't agree. Top three, top three everyone. Is Waitrose and M&S in there?

Yeah. So MNs, Waitrose and... I know, but it's not right. No, Waitrose is a bit too much. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's like... Notton's branded. It's like Super Aldi. Waitrose. M&S has kind of got a little bit of branded stuff on it. Waitosos does have a bit of branded stuff. Does it?

Yeah. M&S only got a little bit of branded. I'm going M&S food all. It's undeniably the top. And also, it's actually no more expensive. I've started to like clock. It's a bit more expensive.

It's so marginal. It's so marginal. Not to ALDI. Especially if you're not concentrating. It's quite a lot. Alvy Finn. Well, Aldi's in my top three. Yeah, you're not having an Aldi slander here.

Aldi's, Albi's top three. Hang on, are we taking the value in to a count with, are we just going on quality of product and service? No, it's an overall thing. Well, because Aldi punches well above its weight. 100%. Because it looks like it's in a farm. It's M&S, then it's

Tesco. I mean, I'm a big Tesco is the industry standard. I'm a Tesco boy. Tesco's not making my top three. You are an idiot? No, I'm not. Do you know what? I put Aldi 3. Is it a Tesco in real? No, there's one in Prostating now. Do you what Aldi's good for? Frozen stuff? Fill your free from Aldi.

Because all frozen shit's just the same. me of edge from Aldi. Marks. I think Little Sainsbury's, Aldi. Aldi's better than Little, though. Sainsbury's? Yeah. I don't go there, but it's a good guy. You've bought into fucking Jamie Oliver's propaganda yet. I have. I have. I'm in, I'm in his pocket.

I genuinely a good Sainsbury's. The one that Ellsmey a port next to Cheshire Oaks is a class Sainsbury. I honestly don't think you beat a good Tesco extra. I think it's unbeatable. I think it's top. To this day, I think Jamie Oliver's in toploader because they used dancing in the moonlights on the Sainsbury's Albert that he was in. Yeah, he is, isn't it? In my head. When you're dancing, that's Jamie Oliver. Being like, there, and just throw and take his wisdom.

I always, I always find Tesco is quite, like, sterile, like, clean. What they're for the fucking party, me? I mean, like, it's not, it's got... You're like a supermarket at the right side of stanky? Yeah, yeah. Aldi is the right side of the stank. I might be, but do stanky for me. I put Aldi third.

I do like Aldi. Aldi's... What's the worst one then? Farm food? Asda. I hate Azda, you know? And I was a proper Azda boy as well when I was a kid. I used to go to Waltzda's with my mom.

and now you're going, you're like, what's this? Shit, oh. Yeah, I'm with, yeah. So, what's happened to it? Growing up, I was, Asden and I Nighting Village with my mum, once a week. Sometimes we go Modisons, like, with my nan as well.

But then when I moved near you, West Arby, Walt and Azda was the big shop. Yeah, yeah. That was the big shop. Yeah, yeah. And now, that Azden on Smithtown. Oh, mate. Absolute chaos.

It's chaos. What do you want? Hot water bottles and fucking bazookas. Say, Bail. that was two of the most random things I thought of me like. You probably would put them on the same eye, I hate. And the Azda in,

they're the big one, the Walmart in Heighton. Yeah. A bit too big for me. Shout out everyone in Lancashire who can enjoy a booths. What I like about nice. He needs to give out free coffee, though. I like the upstairs there, Lhda. Still open?

The Azda in Heighton that you're referencing, it has hot food stuff, which I think boosts it. Like you can go in there and get a takeaway pizza cooked. Do you want to do like about it? Two entrances for two different parts of the shop. Like Laura.

Yeah. One for your cooombe, one for DCL, you know what I mean? But you can go up the ramp and you can go into like the home big, like techie bit or you can go downstairs and just go to the... The pizza bit of Azda's pretty good. Asda still, it's Sutton's happened.

Tesco blowing up the water. You can't, you never get this at Tesco. A bacon joint. You know those like in that, next to the roticity chickens, sometimes there's just like a bone-in bacon thing that you can just shred and get like... Yeah, you're speaking to the right people here.

A veggie, isn't even what that is, and he'd kill himself if he sold it. Carl's absolutely right. I don't know what that is. Oh, you love it as well? What a big fucking thing of ham and you get to slice it. Yeah?

It's got like a bone-in and you can just... What I do sometimes... They let customers use the bacon slicer. No, done. Right. So, have you ever been in like an Asdad or a Tesco and you can buy like an already cooked hot rotissory chicken. I am aware of the concept. Costco does it as well, great.

Next to them in the same bit, there's another thing you can buy. It's also in a bag. It's a bone with essentially shredable gammon around it. Right. And if you, what me and Jack Finnegan used to do about once a month when we lived together, we'd go the ASDA on Smithdown,

we'd get a rotissory chicken and a bacon joint shred both of them so just have two big bowls of shred of meat get a full baguette and then have half a baguette each with bacon and chicken on and you just make a big tub of Bisto gravy and dip it in Christ almighty meaty poo of 36 hours It's good stuff and it's healthy as well

still going with Tesco the goat M&S Tesco I don't go to any others really so I'm going to put Aldi in there just because... Aldi does belong there. Just because of how much it punches above a weight. It is quite decent. And for the frozen stuff.

The frozen stuff is really good. What do you feel about the pattern area though? Sorry? No, it's an anxiety attack. Unless you're used to it. If you are used to a NASDA or a Sainsbury's, Aldi on a Saturday afternoon

seems like the First World War going over the top. It's so stressful. Yeah. But I think people who do the Aldi shop regularly are just like, yeah, you just have to be smart. And then when they go, are opening, I all four.

Everyone just fucking bolts. I like, I'm an older man. I like an order to it. Older man. I just never do it a big shop at a person time. Like normal people time. I just don't do big shops then. I just do big shops at like 11 o'clock at night.

Yeah, the midnight big shop. It's fucking class. And they put fresh stuff out as well. I didn't think they would. But you get there. I'll pop in for something in the day. Like when no, like Saturday afternoon, you're like, I need fucking spuds.

So I'll go and get some. Do you know what I mean? But like if I need a big, if I'm planning big shops at the end of the day, 10 o'clock just before they're shutting. I went to going once in the fellow end, it was shutting, I think, at 10. Does it shut up 10 R, Tesco?

On a weekend. Yeah. And it was quarter past nine. And I went to get a trolley and the security guy. I went no more trolleys, mate. And I went, what? He went, we're shutting in less than an hour. So I wear just baskets now.

And I went, I'm taking a trolley. because I'm getting cans and bottles of water. And he went, no more trolleys, mate. I went, well, you're going to have to follow me? And I just walked past him with her. Fucking idiot. No more trolleys? I can do a big shop in half an hour.

Easy. I could do a trolley shop? I was out before half past. Like, it took me 10 minutes. For the idiot. No more trolleys, mate. Sorry. Can't have that much stuff at this time of night.

Shut up, you fucking gimp. There's a man in Butal, Lazzda, that keeps on buying bread, opening it, then bringing it back without the receipt. And twice now, he's a Nigerian man, twice now, I've gone to the packing thing, whatever, where you buy your food. And a woman tries, it's like, this is the seventh time, like, in the last few weeks. Seventh. Honestly, he's...

So what's you do? He's rampant. He goes and buys, like, like, toast, or Kingsman 50-50, opens it and then goes, there's problem with bread and doesn't have the receipt. Oh, he's bringing it back. He's trying to retain bread. I need... Don't do the voice. I need like a refund on this.

I assume he's... I don't know what his benefit is unless he's just taking a slice at a time from the middle and hoping no one notices. It's him and then two... The middle slices is the only one that's not horns are doing it.

Yeah, the ghost can't get in. It's him and then two... I assume he's Nigerian. He's that kind of build. He's that kind of build and then there's two kind of... He's built like a Nigerian. There's two kind of Middle Eastern men with him.

It's like, a weird entourage. So there's a Nigerian and two Middle Eastern men who are running a one slice of a time bread scam in Boodle. Yeah, in Boutle has that. Honestly, I want a fact, the woman who worked there was fuming with him, and I was like, this is so disproportionate.

And it was like, you do this every week. Is he saying me bread's going off and doesn't understand that bread goes off? He's like, I won't refund. And it's like, have you got the receipt? And he's like, no, it didn't print. He did not use prepositions. A, he's dead easy.

I think. He didn't speak that good English. He was just in the bread game. He wasn't in the language game. It would be a good way to get away with. Never buying bread. Buy, like, one loaf of bread now. Right, yeah?

Let it go off. In a week, go in, buy your new loaf of bread. Take that home. Take the other one back. Get refund. But you need to put the little tie thing around the other one. Oh, there's a tie guy as well, is that? He's on the Middle East and United Nations.

I don't play better a tie thing. They're a team. The Nigerian fella buys the bread. One of them takes the tag off and puts it back on and the other one spins it. Why you show me a picture of Yuba? Because he's built like a Nigerian.

He's a Nigerian fella. Is it Yikubu? Maybe it was Yibu, yeah. Looking for Laura. We will have a break and we'll see you shortly. Love you, babe. Hope you've not listened. We are doing stars in the rise at content

on the 31st of May. We would love to have you there. There is about seven tickets left. 400 tickets. There's some tickets left. Stars in their eyes featuring all of the lids all of the lids here

we've got some special guests come and see yet another brilliant live have a word event Should we tell them the guests We have got Sandro Ford already announced Yeah

Yeah Johnny Bongo Yes Alfie and we announced everyone else No Alfie and Jesse Althe and Jesse Foon a duet

And I'm very excited about What I'm performing Is that our full guests? And then it's all right. And then everybody... But I think there's some that are unexpected. There's been some in the comment... People in the comments going,

oh, Adam's going to do country music, Finn's going to do Oasis. And you're right? You are wrong. You're very wrong. Why don't you guess in the comments of this episode? Just guess what you think everyone's going to sing include Nalphi and Jesse Sandro.

If you can guess Adam's... If you can guess Adam's song, I will give you two tickets to any Don Nightingale and Friends show for free. I promise you because, I mean, I'll be surprised. Shall we do some advice? Go for this. This is coming up on your problems. I'll tell you the best. I was thinking the other day. I reckon I've heard this way more than any of my favorite songs. This had come up on your Spotify rap.

Yeah, because they did, they've done 10 years of Spotify. They've done like, or is it 20 years of Spotify, they've done playlists where it shows you how many times you've listened to everything. And my top one was like 140. Yeah, but you only hear that once or twice a week. Yeah, twice a week for five years. Tell them, tell everyone about Gary's... You don't listen to your favorite songs twice a week. And in the edit.

You don't listen to your favorite songs four times a week? No. For five years. You listen to the same phone? Four times a week for five years. Yeah. I'm asking the wrong person. Finds the songs he loved, 35 times a day.

That's the first four months. No, my tot one's 140. So how many, that's like... Three are we? Nearly. Yeah, but you've got to... When we've done a road trip, yeah.

It's never repetitive with you. You've got quite a wide range of... Oh, I... You don't want to come in my car. Who had the Deliveroo wrapped? Was it Just Eat Rapped? Or Deliveroo wrapped? You were telling me...

Oh, Gary. Gary Highland. We need to get them... We need to talk. Yeah, he has to tell that story. I don't. I don't think we spoil it. We can't burn that story. That story is so stupid.

Like, people won't believe it, and he's got proof to back it up. Yeah, Gary Ireland, he's a Scouse comic. Go on give him a follow. He's great at football,

so. Yeah. He's better than Harriet football. He's good when he's, he's good when he's not on your team. His poster a day about his little girl was fucking, I was cutting onions.

Oh, yeah. Sick. See ya. What, it made you hungry? I'll starve, mate. Time for a sandwich. Onion sausage. I honestly thought onions go on a sandwich.

They do. They can. There you go. Not on their own, though. Not what I said, is it? If you're making a sandwich, maybe you'll stick some onions on. I wouldn't,

and I didn't know if other people did. Is it a daughter-in-law, man? A stepdaughter. No, step-daughter. Step-daughter changed her saying name to his same name when she returned 16

to be like, you're my dad. That's honestly what I'd love. And if fucking, who got her. Who? would you love that for? This is my...

Change it back. What, nothing to do with you. I'm so... I love you so much and you've been there for me and... I'd love that. But if Harry did that.

No, my kids are getting in the way of that. My kids are like, yeah, I'm already called. Can I be Harry Nightingale? You've got to earn it yet. What I'm about to go to 16 and changed it to Etta Calvert Lew. Fair than Etta,

Yacoubu. I was just firstly, that's way. She'd just have to change her name to your dude. What would she be? Ayigbaini? I doubt it. Megan says, hey boys. Hey, guys.

I've been on the dating scene for the last nine months. I feel like you're going to be able to help out here, Finn. Am I? This is Finncentric. You're going to be dated in here? Yeah, I'm not very good at it. Hey, boys, I've been on the dating scene for the last nine months and I quite enjoy it, but I'm finding the whole let's get a coffee or go for a drink thing,

a bit repetitive. I feel like it needs freshening up. What first or second date suggestions have you got for me? No idea is a bad idea, etc. I'll see how many I can actually make happen. Love you, see you at Stars in the Rise, and that's from Megan.

A tantric fuck session. First or second? Yeah. It's a great question, Colin. God, I've repeated it for everyone. It is slower, we're the total. I'm a drag on. I just think, like, just get straight to.

do it, do you know what? See if you've got chemistry, man, turn up, fuck, and then it's like, should we even bother with a bevy? Turn up where? Is this, like, a way day? That's up to you. Pick it, you know?

Hotel room. Women love that. F.A. Cups, semi-final. Neutral, ground. Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, girl, I've got a premiere in. Top floor. See you there.

In London. Straight into a tantric fuck session. They're not in the town you live in. I'm not a weirdo. We're in crew. I took a girl go-karting on a second date, and she crashed into everyone that we were go-karting with. It was going, ha!

How did you get on? Was it boughs? I was pretty good. Yeah, she was putting, like, banana, is that? But it was just awesome loads of kids. It was the one in town, like the... Yeah, on the lock. Yeah, she was just, like, bashing into it.

That's not a date, though. You're not spending any time. No, he didn't spend it. It is a date. I kept on lapping her because she kept on getting pulled over by the stewing. She just spoke to her once, unless she's gone past, oh! Hey!

I'll have been in spictive. It's a date, isn't it? It is a date, of course, it's a date. Did you set up, like, F1 radios? So you could talk to each other. You can say it's not a talkative date, but it's still a date. And we did, like, the claw machine.

But I'm saying the cinema's not a date, where it is a date. It's a shit date, though. It is a shit date, I agree with that. Because you have to shut up in this island. That's great. It's not a first date, is it? Huh?

It's not a first date. It depends whether it's the first time you've been on a date with them. No, but I'm saying it's not a very good first date. That's a different sentence. Okay. And that's fine. It's a busy,

is he awful, firstly? You go over there and drive and I'll talk to each other. You was talking to number four and after you're in the car? No, no,

you just, you meet already with the helmets on. Sorry, look, where are you from originally? I'm fucking driving in the numbers. Fucking shat me ear up. Good way to get to know each of it, though,

isn't it? Like, as in like, you're not judging based on looks if you've both got the six helmet on. Driving ability. Yeah. Go-coting sounds like

have fun time. I think you're going to get to the end of it and have no idea where you are with that bird. Do you sort of competitive

archery. Yeah, probably one that you can talk to each other while you live it. Like, I know they're all cliche,

but go for a game of pool. Go for a game of shuffleboard. I thought shuffleboard as well. Go for,

you know, mini golf. Minigolf's good. 18 holes. And if you're lucky, it's for anyone. Oh, yeah.

Pussy Bump. Thank you for clearing it up. No need for the diagram. There was a hole in the face as well. No, there's a lot, but on the 18th. I'm up on the 21st later. Bum.

What do you mean, bum? Yeah, faces first, blow job. Then your pussy. Arsole. And I'm six on the party, I love. I'll go nine on the part. Bear these on each of them.

That means you've finished quicker than you want to do, three times. I'm six over par on your ass No I'm gonna double bogey right in your pussy It's a good thing No, stop crying We're a bogey in your pussy

We probably should have done go-karting You're right Flight Club is a great Day option there Get up there, love, come on I mean one playing you'll be in the other Two-seater you fly and died together

oh like that you mean yeah that that is a good a good date actually but hasn't the flight club got other stuff going on as well it's more like a it's an inclusive you have dog fighting as well dog fighting that's competitive

what you love yeah I put 20 quid that poke it I go the bar with the flex of dog's blood on your face really brings out your eyes love come me here imagine like the person with dog fighting

like the first thing. You got cash. No, it's no card here. Cash, it's an illegal dogfighting ring. You brought a fucking American Express to a dogfight. Fucking idiots. But if she's into it,

you've got to keep her. A keeper? Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Girls who like dog fire. What do you do on a first date? You just have drinks, aren't you? Drinks or a gig sometimes?

A gig sometimes? Not one of mine. That's a flash. And the front and the middle. This is for you. And the two people over there. I'll be at the crown in prostatine. Stand never from.

Chey in the sky. I know you don't know it, but you're learning. What's you gonna do? What's the most outfit that you've done? Oh. Oh. Oh. I don't actually know.

I don't think there's anything like mental. You put it fair way, don't you? Are you a coffeesman or a drinksman? I don't do coffee. But it's popular, isn't it? The sort of like non-threatening afternoon. Quite soft, yeah. No, I need a couple of drinks to loosen myself up.

You could have an Irish coffee. A good move is to take it to a coffee shop or bring your own cans. You have that cappuccino shite. I've got a stellar. Finish a cappuccino, this is going well. I've got four stella, and I know where the local dogfighting is.

I've got a good vibe about you. Second date. What do you think of comedy for a first date? I think it's a second or third. I think Carl's right, his instinct of, it's an assessment of whether you've got chemistry, I think the first date needs to have quite a bit of getting to know you conversation. If that's gone well and there's been some nice little text,

and what am I talking about? Like it's been even, I haven't done it for ages. But I think comedy on the second date, pretty good because... I actually think I'm going to disagree. Yeah, I think it can be a good first date because it's not like, when you go to the cinema, it's often two, a half hours of not being able to talk at least at a comedy club i'm not talking about like going to see you know michael mcinty and sitting there for an hour and a half at a comedy club every 25

minutes you get a break to go and have a chat and get a drink and blah blah blah quite quite low pressure date barely because you go that was funny wasn't it you've got something to instantly yeah yeah and you're basically having the date in and around it there may be an hour beforehand where you're chatting so if it's not going well you know you've got that break of like oh at least we've got the stand-up to watch. See, I've done escape rooms as an early date. No. Two different ones. And she didn't like it.

And I did all of the puzzles. And she wasn't really impressed by the fact that I did all of them. Fucking is. Is that why you did it? Had you done that escape room before and you're like, I'm going to show how smart I am. Well, I was like, she was like trying to like chat. And I was like, we're not going to get out in time if you don't fucking pull your weight.

So I was doing all your padlocks. Oh my God. And that's why you can't do it. First days, I want us to get locked in a doom. We've got to try and escape. You ready. But it was one of those. ones where you had to like,

there was someone watching and you had to like say the magic words and it opened stuff and she wasn't really into the immersion of it. What happens if you lose? How long you're locked in for? A day. I think this should be more jeopardy. On escape rooms? The war should close. That does ruin it a bit

for me. You try to open it anyway. When you get out at the same time. I used to think that were their jungle run on ITV. When they were like, ah, you're locked in now. I'd be like, yeah, it's a fucking TV show. You're going to just move that rock in the minute, aren't you? Like in Crystal Maze, they actually left him there. That would be class.

I wish you'd have made it on it. So you just run full steam at one of the fake walls. Yeah, not trapped at all, am I? I mean, I used to think they trapped the kids and trapped. Did you know trapped was a bit after your time, I think. The woman with the weird teeth and lips. Mouth? We call it Mouth.

And lips. No, she had like a really painted white face with like purple, lipstick and yellow teeth. And she used to trap kids in this house. And you'd only see... And this was on CBBC. CBBC. You'd only see the mouth and she was like,

you're the saboteur. Oh yeah. And then, but they'd... It's mad what we let kids see. So they'd have a big tower. They'd start at the top and each person got... One person was the saboteur and they had to ruin the challenge. Yeah, without being detected.

But some, like, there was one where they had to like do... Eggs had to go through like a... Oh, yeah. A conveyor belt. And one of them had to stop. the eggs from going through. And the fella who was the saboteur decided, because they were all like in partitions,

he decided just to climb onto the conveyor belt, go face to face with everyone and just start fucking hammer fisting eggs. It was like a power move. And they went, yeah, it was probably James, who was the saboteur. So does he lose?

He's still there. Yeah, yeah. He's still in the town. I showed Remy the Lion King the other day. On your phone? Huh? On your fold? No, on the big TV.

On the Sally? I put the Lion King on the same. have you? And he watched it? Yeah, he did. I haven't watched it sort of for a while, a few years. It's mad that it's a kid's film. Do I mean? Like...

There's mild pedal, in it? It's mild pedal. Scar. May there's Mufasser. Like throwing him off a building, essentially, a lion building. Yeah. Kids can handle that. They can't handle, you know,

Scar slitting Mufassas' throw. That's when it's too far. A bit of peril. Why is it any different? Jumping off building. It's not penalty. throws him off, like, why is it any different from slit in his throat?

Murder's murder, mate. Right. Kids can handle a bit of peril. Like, that's, you know. You know, we're desensitizing them to throw in lines off. Sometimes dangerous people want power, and they'll throw you off a roof to get it. Right, just watch out for your uncle.

Shady fucker that he is. Anonymous bloke says, hey lads, I could do with some advice. I'm 22. I have had two sort of serious. girlfriends in the past. They were basically my age and neither relationship went great and so I'm single again. I've been on dating apps and trying to meet women, but the only ladies I'm really into are older, like quite a lot older. I ended up pulling a 36 year old a few months back, went back

to her house and it was class. She was incredible. It was the best sex I've ever had. Problem is when we were texting after it, I told her my age and she ended it because I was too young for her. I've always thought Mills were fit, but now it's all I'm into. Like, on Honestly, what I really want is a 40 plus woman. Booms are good. What should I do here? Lean into it and get myself into the divorcee market or just accept that it's weird and snap out of it.

Please help. Start hanging around outside like a divorce lawyer's office. Right, right to the... Yeah, she's still fuming. Just be, like, do fake phone calls outside a divorce lawyer's office. Oh, I'm just looking for love, you know? Yeah, an older woman ideally just keep, like, have the same 10 lines. You keep saying.

I think milk's a fit. Yeah. I've always thought it's fit, but now I just want one. And she's just... She's just been to see a solicitor for the first time because she's divorcing grey.

We don't know how many times they've been in. She's been... Well, there's a chance you're going to get someone who's just... Why, he's cheating on me twice? You're like, shit? Comes out. Yeah, so she wants some joy.

She wants hers. Right, right, right, right. What about I step up, trained to become a divorce lawyer? Wow. Oh, yeah. Smart. It's power dynamic there.

Could get me to down the line. Don't do that. It's the Hi. I don't even know what that means. Doctors, yeah. Yeah, that's what it means. What is the Hi, I give the oath to save people

and not kill them essentially. Do everything in a can in my power to help people in the hospital. 2,500 year old ethical code. You have to take it to become a medical person. 2,500? Yeah. Pre-Jesus.

Pre-Jesus. 500 years before Jesus, people were doing the same thing that we're doing now. So if someone's choking in a restaurant, you can't be like, I'm fucking, I'm not working. You know, if you're a doctor, you can't be like, it's my day off.

Oh, is that why there's always like, isn't a doctor on board? Yeah, they've got, they've given an oath. Kevin, you hypocrite oath. Remember it. All right. Isn't it the same of busy? I thought lawyers had something,

didn't they? Like, client, client privilege. French. Yeah. Yeah, but that's just, that's a law, in it? Yeah. They can't basically go,

hey, he said he killed him. Yeah. Are you talking about to attorney, client privilege? Yes, that's always too. Wait, if I'm your lawyer, anything you tell me, I can't tell anyone else.

But it can't. Between you and me, did you do it? Yeah. Fucking up. You should never ask your clients if they did it. You should always think they should. You should have no interest in whether they did it or not. Yeah.

All right. Yeah, because then if you... I'll take that one. If you tell me... So, if I'm your lawyer and you tell me, oh, I did do it, but I'd like you to try and get me off, I can't ask questions

that I know with... will elicit perjured testimony. So if I put you on the stand, let's say I know you were killing Finn. Yeah. And you're telling me, but I'm just going to say, I was at Butlins on the water slides.

Watertime. I can't then put you on the stand and then go, where were you the night of the mayor there? Because I know you're going to like. Yeah. But then I'm. You're perjuring yourself.

But then I've... You knew I was perjuring myself with the Butlands. Exactly. Perjury assist. You're not you to make a lawyer then? You're not seeing the Lincoln lawyer, the film? If I have, I've forgotten it completely. Is it mainly about Botlands?

It's just Botlands. It's a very, really, really good film. And it's this, it's basically, no spoilers, but like, it's lawyer fan and all stuff that. Set in Lincoln. Yeah. Yeah, great. Yeah.

So when you take on a client, it's like, I don't care whether he did it or not give me some ways I can help you, you know? haven't busy. He's got this as well. Like a busy see an off-duty busy if they say a crime. I've never got the duty to go, whoa, I'm a busy. Don't do that. Oh, that's like Batman in it.

No, I'm sure they've got like... Yeah, are they allowed to... They've got a formal attestation swearing to serve the monarch with integrity, diligence and impartiality. I just protect the swans. Yeah, if someone's choking a swan. Are you allowed to arrest someone if you're not on duty?

As a police... If you've got your badge, I imagine. Officer. Well, you can do citizens arrest for anyone. can't you? What is... I can arrest you right now, what is...

Try it. What is... What is... What is... Sitting's arrest. Citizens arrest is you're committing a crime. Right? I know you're committing a crime

or no, you just have. I'm going to arrest you and then wait for someone with proper authority to come and take over. But then you get arrested as well. The person doing a citizen's arrest also gets arrested.

It's like when a beast thing is someone may die. I think that's true, God. No, it is? Because you could commit a crime. Citizen's arrest. Someone blame them. And,

away. You both get detained to see what happened and then... No, no. What? Well, then I've got a fucking real-blute way of getting away with climbing. It's all bollocks though, in it. It's just how... So they can, like, get paedophiles outside Aldi.

I thought you got detained them. That's not citizens arrest either. They citizens arrest people on Facebook Live. No, they basically threaten them. They go, don't run away or we'll fuck run after you. They like corner them. And then they're intimidated enough to just stay where they are. Just walk away then.

There you go, paedophiles. Just walk away. Thanks, Harry. It's bang out of order, maybe. Can you tell us what the internet says? Citizen arrest. Private individuals can arrest them on committing or reasonably suspected of committing an indictable offence

if a police officer is not present. The offender is unlikely to be immediately caught otherwise and it is necessary to prevent injury, damage or escape. However, if you go around doing citizens' arrests and it's in the wrong situation, you're going to get done for kidnapping or something. Did you see that... The crime must be serious, theft, burglary, criminal damage.

Do you see that Lauriejury? driving America that there was a car that the police were following a car on the highway or whatever and it went to the right-hand side of this lorry and the lorry smashed it into a wall to do like a citizen's arrest and it was just unmarked police car or something

they were like tailing or they were all just driving in convoy and he was like I'll help the police because he thought it was like an ice sting or something and smashed it into the side and I think he's gone to prison that's right yeah that's right yeah he's got to smash it. Try to help but been a moron.

Do you mind? Don't fucking business, do I mean? Same with the paedophiles. So, somebody's smashing them against the wall. You see, you see the police running down the road? What's going on?

I don't know. I just think like... Minds your own business? Peterfiles? Are you one? No, I'm not a paedophile. I'm not a paedophile. I'm not a pedophile.

But like, sometimes they get those people outside Aldi that aren't pedophiles. They're just like dwarfs that can kick themselves in the heads and stuff. No, they've usually stung them with something. They don't just randomly get people off the street. They've usually got some...

Some of them are wrong, though, aren't they? I've never seen. Are you just worried you look enough like a paedophile that you might get caught with these things? Listen, there are a lot of paedophiles with moustaches

and I don't want to get If I, I, how do you defend, how do you go, I'm not a paedophile? Go, he's the text and was like, that's not me. The more you're talking like this, you're going to have people suspect you though.

I'm more suspect than that. What? Yeah. Are you saying people can fake messages? Listen, my stepdad does the dishes and watches like these pedophile stings and I ate paedophiles

they're bang out of order but I think those people that stop the paedophiles I kind of go like yeah they're not everybody everybody there's bad and they're like going oh this is the same

he loves watching the fella who goes and flies drones over schools and that or like flies drones into like protected airspace the people go you can't fly drones there he's just oh it's fucking my First Amendment right

but he's in like Swansea and then and then the police come and they're like well no I can fly me drone wherever I want yeah because that that's the thing, isn't it? They want the...

Yeah, they want the beef. Antagonism. That's a very common. It's like paed-de-fow's things, something like that. I don't know. There's some connection there. Protested a lot of you,

Harry. I'm like 20% sure Harry's a Peterfow now. Like, less than half. It's less than half. I still don't think you are, but I'm... It's gone up from five minutes ago.

Legitimately, I just sympathised with that doth that kicked himself in the head. Yeah, that's bad. I was like, don't be making doors. He's, it's one of them stings. Like, yeah,

We've got text of you texting this girl. You know when you say that's bad, have you seen that one whilst laughing? It's hard to believe that you think it's bad. They go, right, we've got these messages. When you go, that's bad. You see it now all that? It is awful.

They go, right, we've got these messages and you're a bad guy, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to call the police. Unless you kick yourself in the head. So he does kick himself in the head because he's a little person. And they go, do it again? And they make him do it like 10 times ago,

I would you joke him? Yeah, or does the couple, did they make them do the breathaler, the paeder, breathalyzer. Oh yeah? Yeah. You've seen that with the walkie-talkie.

Yeah. 100% nonce. Those ones are funny. They can deserve to get locked up. But not the little person, man. Last one. Henry says, I'm the best man for my mate's

upcoming wedding. And him and his misses have decided to have a joint stagging hen, a stendu. Which I think is bollocks. But now my mate has told me I need to plan it all because the chief bridesmaid doesn't want to.

Fuck on. Any fucking ideas of what to do with a mixed party of 20 for the weekend because I'm struggling. Strippers. What do you mean? You're struggling? Then you shouldn't have...

You're a shit-best man then? Just... All you've got to do there is just put a big party on. A big party, isn't that? The wedding? Yeah, but that... It's a stender, isn't it? It's just a pub crawl

that ends at a party. Sounds what people expect. I don't think you can have any expectations if you're having no role to play in it. So you can do whatever he wants. You can go to the girls. They can get involved, so... You know, the fucking me of honour's going to kick off to.

playing five side. Oh, I wouldn't have done that, wouldn't you? Oh, so you just, you think just literally dig your heels in, organise an aggressive stag do. What if there's 22, that's 11 aside? There you go. You've got a full game of footy. Rentz out, prenton park.

Oh, so if anyone gets injured. You've almost, you've got more than a full F1 grid. The possibilities are endless really, aren't it? Always go-karting, isn't it? Rent, rent, plant and park out, set up an 11-11 game, and then go for a lovely food after her. You know, for the ladies. Go for a lovely food.

Futty for the lads. Lovely food for the ladies. Just put, yeah. It's a pub crawl, yeah. It's mad that she's gone, I don't want to be involved, but we want to stand there. We'll separate them then.

And you don't do a hendoo, but I will do a stag do. No, but that's not, the chief bridesmaid says she doesn't want to be involved. That's the, the bride and groom have gone,

we're doing it together. So that would usually, the responsibility would be cheap bride. She's not doing a job. She shouldn't be in the role. Yeah. It's pooing her. That's really.

No, but like, let's ask Alex to marry me, and I went, right, we're going to do a joint. We're going to do a Sten, right? You're my best man. Look, Alex, I love drinking with her. She's good laugh. She's not going to ruin the lads fun. We're going to do a stent. Not going to muddy the waters by getting whoever they're fucking made of one is going to be involved.

I trust you more than any of them. What are we doing? The thing is, though, I would then go to whoever they made the one of us and go, let's plan her. And what if she goes, I don't want to get involved. Then he'd come to his favourite podcast. ask for advice and then we'd be end up made of honors in hospitals she's got sepsis

she's got up yeah but let's just pose the wedding looks like one of my best friends got to die we put too much money in it has to be on the estate don't worry about it but the stagg the sten has to be on the state

yeah is it a day before the wedding no it's a month before nice right okay and you want me to plan a stand do yeah

is it just a day one is a have you got if you got it's all up to you it's it's we've booked the Saturday and the Sunday off their weekend yeah And the Friday night

But like Put the chunk of it on the Saturday We'll have a dinner Friday night Breakfast Sunday morning Saturday what we're doing I think we're going to fly somewhere Okay Let's fly too

Somewhere in Europe Somewhere close It's over like a Budapest Because it's quite cheap there Isn't it not wrong am I Close Three and half hours Yeah but you know it's Friday even flight

Somewhere in Europe Somewhere in Europe As far away as we can get And stay in Europe Right the girls are going Buddha We're going pest. Fuck off. I'm flying us somewhere in Europe.

Let's say it's a primetime Ibiza. We'll fly us there. You know me and Alex Sowell. We're going to fly on there for the evening. We're all going to go out until about 6am. It's going to be a joint villa.

Please get married. Go on. This sounds horrendous. I don't want to go. Joint villa. Yeah, yeah. So how many people do you think could be on this then?

22. 48. 48 people. Or 48. It's going to be a big old villa. A massive villa. Got like a seven million pound. I don't know.

Forty people. And I'm in control of it. Yeah. I think I'd fold. There could be an argument to do, instead of trying to appease everyone all at the same time, just sort of do a gender tennis with it. Play tennis?

Where it's like... Do a tennis tournament. Cocktail making, which is classic Hindu banter. Then Quasar. Then Laser Quest. And just literally just go... Not to be confused with reincarnation, which is classic Hindu banter.

banter whole belief system a lot of james those indies oh come back a bit of banter is it buddhist or hindrish now Buddhist

Buddhist Buddhist is real they're all the same they're all the same they're all like well watch Teddy come back as a dung beetle would be fucking

Hinduism and Buddhism ha they're all the same yeah it's just fat and skinny in it go on no you've known too shay um

I think Hindus are the skinny ones aren't he Hindu's a skinnier than buddust in my head Is that because buddard is fat You're thinking of Gandhi and buddha Yeah

Well he can't argue with you They're They're the team captains Are the team captains Is Gandhi the team captain of Hinduism? I think so He's the one that pops in by him Who's he Hindu?

I think he's just Indian Yeah but the big part of He's not famous for being Hindu though Is he? He's famous for being Indian Was he? Please use the internet Can we have mad that, Harry, for a bit?

Was it? They are two different people. He's got a different setting on them. Mahatma Gandhi is the headline act on Hindu.com. Really? I thought they wore, they had like the... Is it a Bindi? A Bindi, yeah, but that...

It's not a different culture altogether. That's not religion, isn't it? Oh, I have it the posta. I think that's more of a cultural thing. And Satchentendantindu... Bindy, Gandhi and Hindu. Shashantendduca. Bindi is not a person.

He's rich. Bondi and Bondi's Hindu fucking press the button oh and Julia Roberts and Julia Roberts is a Hindu she fucking is not and Lisa Simpson's Buddhist

yep because they're linked right we'll have a little break back for his second appearance on the Have a Word podcast on the first

third appearance third yeah oh It's one funny motherfucker, Julian, dude. You were here, yeah. Oh? You don't remember.

What's funny is? I was going to start. It was yesterday. I was going into a bit there, like how Dan and Julian have finally settled their beef, and now we can have them on together. We ain't settled that, have we? Come at me. What you got?

Like, man, let's keep this civil, man. Julian, do you meditate? I have done, yeah, over the years. I try to, but I don't really put it in my day. Masturbate I do, yeah. That's kind of how I find mine. Every meditation turns into a wank. Yeah, just turns into that, yeah. A vigorous rub off.

Surely that's the ultimate form of meditation? No, you're giving me a clear mind, not fill it with tits. What do you mean? Meditation is just clear in the mind. Do you think you could wank with a clear mind? Yeah. That's an ultimate, like, imagination. No imagination.

I play porn in my head. You wouldn't come, but that's not a clear mind. That's what I'm saying. Oh, okay, yeah. You can't have a clear mind and come, I bet. No, I don't think so. I think I probably can. I think it's a really bad sign

if you clear your mind completely and then ejaculate. You're really in... The waiting room makes you go, oh, yeah. Nothing really turns you on nothing. The infinite. I think I have come like that before when I've been hung over.

What, you've just come? I've been rubbing me knob. And then just you've gone on your phone and forgot you were having a wank. Forgot you're on the train. Just not just truly nothing. I think so, yeah? It's just like, you know those ones where you wake up and you just need to get liquid out of you? Yeah, like a practical extraction.

Yeah. Like a milking. He needs to also get every thought out of him as well. All fluids and thoughts. Like popping a pimple. You come up your cough, don't he? Yeah, because if you look at the porn afterwards, you've disgusted than yourself, aren't you?

The urge goes with the jizz. Well, the ick, you're like, oh, God. You close the tab. And bookmark it before you close it. How do you remember which one worked? Alex has got me. Do you bookmark your favourites, yeah. Come on, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because some of them... Case you're losing. and you're trying to find it again, man. I ain't got old day. That's admin, man. I've lost ex-girlfriends like that. I'm not losing clips.

Yeah. The only reason I ask about meditation is just your posture, your pose, your cross-leggedness, which I don't think I'd be able to... This is a rare occasion where you're not the oldest or most in shape person in the room. Oh, yeah, but he's whippet it.

Am I older than you? Yeah, but you're crackhead, Finn, aren't you? I'm all. Are you, Julian? He's at least 58. Are you, like, 46? Yeah, about that. I'm not that good at maths, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, that's worked out well. What, you're born we were working off, for you? Yeah. You look well, though, Dan. Thanks, mate. Let me just do the screech for you getting off your age. Yeah, I feel well, man. It's just you.

Have you been away, holiday? Now, I've been here all the time. It's just ground me down. I was not to say about you, Julian, because you've got a nice colour about you right now. What's that? I did a fake tan, man. This?

Yeah. Don't tell anyone. This ain't on. We haven't started. I mean, you fake tan. I'd just been a bit unwell. You know, when you feel a bit drains and stuff, and I thought I might slap on a bit of San Maritz.

Yeah, a bit of foam with a mitt. That's mean? Black up. When you feel down. Do some accents and then get on the train, you know. It's hurt you right up. Yeah, it's made me get me in the zone. You technically have blacked up.

You just haven't got there. Yeah, yeah. I've just, yeah, a little bit blacked up, a little bit racist. Yeah. Do you do it on your own or did you have hell? What, racism. Sometimes.

I do it in the car. Normally online in the car. Online in the car. Double. Protection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you get a partner to do your back? Do my back?

With a tan. You know what? Or have you just hand your arms in your face? I've got a stick. It's awkward as fuck, man. Yeah. It works. Yeah, I probably missed a bit.

Looks like a little bit of cum on my back. But I probably missed a bit. Yeah, it's hard to kind of, you know what I mean. Also, I don't think your missus wants to apply. I mean, we have to apply a fake time. I have to apply a fake tan to Laura's massive back a lot, you know? Do you, yeah? Yeah, but I don't think she wants to do it to me.

And that doesn't mean that it can't be done. Does she fake tan often? Anytime it's, you know it's a big thing if Laura... When she's on a date or something. Yeah, when she's going to meet all the men. Like cut boy, come here, yeah, yeah. She's like, I don't want to go this white because of, you know, his skin color. I need to match them.

Can we go dark? I wonder if it'll ever become, like, proper, socially acceptable for men to do. I had makeup for the wedding. Not makeup, I mean, like, faked. Did you? Yeah, so we had the, um, it's like a progressive one. So you start, you do it on one day. And then if you want to build it, you do it again.

And then the third of, so I started like three days before, but then stopped. Was it like a tan moisturiser or was it? proper. Yeah, it was only on me, uh, it was only on me, uh,

face. Okay, yeah, I've seen, that's the gays do it, don't he? Yeah. They do a lot of stuff,

man. Yeah, I thought, I don't do that. The gays do it? Like, if you're in a gay club, you'll often see,

like, a gay man who's got, like, they've done the face, but it's... A beautiful face. Why are they so fit? That's the thing.

Gorgeous, aren't they? And they move well. Wish I was gay sometimes, man. But, like, they're,

They're like the nemes of a t-shirt. You know what they're like. They're sounding lazy. You've heard their rumours. Have you been to a lot of gay clubs, yeah. You used to with me youth. Yeah, yeah. Get a bit of easy attention and then...

No, well, it was where all the women went to try and get away from us. Just follow them there. There's 100% heterosexual men in a gay club. And all the lesbians in a wether spoons. We'd always end the night in a gay club, always. I wish I'd have been around for that era. Because he would open until like fucking yesterday.

It was stupid. Like, places close to five. You'd go in there until eight. Heaven till seven? Yeah. Wow. That's an unnecessary amount of gay club, in it? The seven o'clock shift.

Isn't it mad thinking like 15 years ago? We were in a gay club and I have six in the morning. I can't think of many places. Just want to meet someone. I know. I know. Just want to meet a girlfriend. I know.

maybe have to move venues. But it is where all the straight girls went because they were like, we don't want to be bothered, we just want to have a drink and a dance, and the gay's love a drink and a dance. And then we turned up and we're like, well, we're here now.

Spiking all their drinks. Hey, are you gay? Shut up. Shut up and touch it. We used to get a lot of a lot of propositions, don't like come to bog? From men. Yeah?

Oh, right. What were the bogs like with them, all right? I mean, I used to go every single time. Let's go, can you wake me ass for me? Just go back with them and have a big shit. They're like, wait a minute. Like a toddler who needs emotional support. I've been having a lot of protein, lad.

Do you mind coming with me to the toilet? Can I hold your hands? Hurt, too. It's a big one. Can I hold your hand? Yeah, we could come to bark to you, love. No, I'm over there. Can you spot me?

one more rip should I have earphones on what no you don't need them I haven't got them on oh yeah that's all right it's more immersive

yeah yeah I will do no guest ever wears headphones yeah yeah I'll have to stop the podcast and why are you on all oh no no no don't do that don't do that yeah I like to change the game man were you popular with the gays

when you used to go to the gay clubs in the Manchester Down. Yeah, a little bit. Were the English speaking? No, we didn't. We went to international gay clubs. In the Manchester do. Hello. International?

What, in other countries? No, in Manchester. Just, I only dance with foreign gays. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't want to dance with a gay from down the street. They don't, yeah. They can't grass if they can't speak English. Exactly.

No one snitching, man. Yeah, because I did a... Yeah, you got sort of layered out a little bit and then... That was how I was going to nut you? Come here.

Come in a box. Fucking kiss me! We used to be a friend when, if I got approached by a gay guy, he would get really angry. And he would, like, he'd be, like,

really overprotected. Did he fancy you? No, he's married with a child, no. No, was Elton John, though, so... I'd be gay. But then you're in their club. No, no, I mean, even outside of the gay clubs

and other clubs, like he'd get really... Well, he's a gay friend of yours, but... No, he's a heterosexual guy. He'd always get, like, really protective and be like, fuck off. And I've been like, listen to the law. Sounds heterosexual, yeah. Yeah, that's normal.

Fuck off. Leave my! No, he's proper hetero. Yeah, I remember least those guys. But, but... And I can't understand that, like, a gay guy trying it on... I think it's because we were still just fresh out of school and there was some residual homophobia there,

but we didn't really understand how to deal with it. So the gay guy... Just bum him. We'd be like, I'm not just going to bum him. Lad, I've got some residual homophobia from school. Should we go a gay club? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Face your fears, boys.

Can you milk it out of me? God, look with all these gays around here. I hope no one talks to me. Where are the toilet? Really did, well. It's just immersion therapy, isn't it? Yeah. I remember, I remember, I remember, I'm going,

that's fine. I can just say know myself. I go on and off me, mate, and they go, all right, cool. We didn't go because they were gay clubs. We went because they were open late. And it just so happened, the gay clubs were open latest. Because the gay is always love away in because they're lazy. The gays can go out till seven because they're in bed till five o'clock.

And they're unemployed. They come over here from gayville. They get up at five, do the fake time, go back to bed till midnight. And then go to the club. Did you fight tan before you weren't? Adam used to, and this is genuine because, remember you used to open your shirt and don't say you fucking didn't?

Yeah, I used to try and make myself look more. No, because you've got to get in. Yeah? He's got to get in. So, one button and, you know, he's bisexual. Honest to God, have been Adam trying to get in, he'd open his shirt and it'll be and act a little bit more of feminine

towards me and be flying. Even more so, yeah. How'd you do that? Jump out? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, cool. she's trying to get in a gay club.

You can't be like, you get in, you do all your buttons up. I got thrown out of G.A.Y on Oxford Street once for chatting a girl up, yeah. Did you spell that out then so that we, some of us don't know where you mean? Like a dog on for walking. You're talking to a dog. No, no, you were there. G.A. Y. I think it's on Tottenham Court Road in it, Dan.

Isn't it just into the start of Soho? The password's Dan. And you get him for free. It's my club. Dan's kissed a man in the club. Oh, it's usually every sort of 18 months, but Carl's decided to bring it around more regular at the moment.

He kissed a man in a club. He's still got some of that homophobia from school. Dan kiss one. Fucking weird. Tell the story, Dan. It wasn't funny the first three times. Yeah, tell us. Kissed a gay guy in Chelmsford.

And that isn't a euphemism for his ass. It's not, you know. Once you've done that off the curb. What, you were drunk? A little bit drunk, yeah. And it was a, like a twinky, a really twinky... Oh, that's not gay, then. Was he a twink?

Oh, no, it wasn't a... It was a little... I wasn't bare snogging. It was a twinkie guy. I had a, like, a cowboy shirt, and he went, oh my God, look at you, Madonna. And apparently that's all it took. And he leaned in and just kissed you.

Yeah. Yeah. Was it alone? How long dragon it lasted? In Mississippies. What, hang on. One Mississippi. In Mississippi.

Then I came for me. Mississippi. Back at his about six and a half minutes. 17 Mississippi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 4,004 Mississippi. Then we flew to America to see the Mississippi. We lived in America for a bit. St. Louis.

Four years later, Mississippi. Did you get his number? No, it's when, you know, it's when you get in the mortgage, you're like, I'm not gay, you know? When you're buying property, you realize. Yeah, yeah, you can't be gay. But why did you get kicked out for a chat on the lady? I don't know. I was drunk. I was about 21 or so. I was probably being stupid.

But I didn't know it was a gay club. And I... I wasn't even there. It was someone who looked like me. Look on that yag club. Don't you want to Gary's part. Yeah, gay clubs are vibey, man. You know what I mean?

A bit of Madonna comes on, you know what I mean? Are you not allowed to chat a woman in a gay club? Is that a rule? Well... I think of you're 21 and being a bit of a fucking drunk. I was probably being a bit of a bit... I was probably being a bit of a dick. But her purpose...

partner come over like a, like more of a, more of a masculine, that's her, hello. Stop talking about me. But yeah, so her partner got annoyed with me, so she went to the bouncers. So, yeah, they tried. Was her partner a woman? Yeah. Oh, so you're a chattler. Yeah, yeah.

The ultimate challenge. One of them lesbos. And also, G-A-Y is like a big famous. I don't know what it stands for. I don't know. We'll never know. I don't know what the acronym is. It's like they're not,

they don't need straight trade if they don't. Like some gay places are like, oh yeah, well, you know, like in Liverpool or whatever. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. That's one of the most famous gay clubs in the country, if not the most famous one. So they have no interest. They're like, just fuck off. This isn't for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would we be, would we be okay to get in? Yeah, if he opened his shirt, yeah.

Pop that shirt open. But like, oh, you're not like, you're not just coming in just to see what it's like, you know, I think you're allowed technically for your respect for and stuff, eh? There's places on Canal Street back in the deer

because they have like gay friendly places where there'd be a hen do going in and for the same reasons a hen do. It was Gandhi. And then there'd be like more sort of hard line places that just you were getting a straight check on the door. Like if you were straight- But what is it?

They ask you like to sing a show tune. Like who started for children? in 2008 and if you even know three of them like, shit, yeah. Soon say, drug per you're gone.

You're like, God, but you're calling yourself out of the club. Yeah, they weren't just, if you weren't gay, if they thought you were, you weren't gay,

you weren't getting in. And I still tried, you know. There's a couple of black clubs in Liverpool as well back when we were kids. And we used to go on them as well. Yeah, camel.

But an open for that one as well. Camel Club. To pull your jeans down a little bit for those ones. We looked out, we looked all. in Camel Club. It was Camel Club, there was Zoo,

and then there was Republic, was it Republic? No. Like bar-ready kind of area. Oh, it was on I work then? Republic, yeah. No, Pentehouse, Penthouse. Camel Club, zoo and penthouse.

Penthouse was specifically opened to get like the higher end black custom of Liverpool. Right? So it was like a bottle service. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Trying to be an American club. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But in Liverpool, in the... What was it like, all right in there? Yeah, it was class. We used to be allowed to get bevied on shifting stuff. We used to go to Camel Club, like, Sean Napolit on and stuff, and we'd be dutty whining and that, and the girls, he'd be like, wow. I found the 50-pound knot on there rolled up dead tight,

like really tight. I wonder what for. And obviously, I was just fucking young and naive. I was like, wow, I get sick. Unravelled it, like that. A telescope! And then just bought everyone shots. But obviously someone had been sniffing cocaine through it.

No, I think you're right. $350 for me, don't meet. Idiot. Idiot. Or they'd been like inspecting a watch or something. No. Or they could have been doing that. And he's that.

The purse or the watch. Do you ever go to any of the urban clubs then? Sometimes. Like, we went to a few drum and bass nights in Manchester, which weren't men to be urban. But when you got in there, you were pretty sure they were. Yeah. Is there any other minorities that have their own clubs?

Because there's black clubs, gay clubs. It's certainly like... It's Chinese, I guess. Yes, Asian. Chinese clubs is just a casino. Didn't you say there was a Chinese karaoke got off? There is a, oh, yes, Charlie's Chinese karaoke. What in Liverpool?

In Manchester. Ah. Oh, that was phenomenal fun. Dave, the owner of the Frog and Bucket knew Raymond, who owned Charlie's. Raymond was Chinese was he? Yep. Raymond Chan. I'm not even messing.

Hi, Raymond. And I don't know, but you'll be watching this. He's a 10-pound patron. And they'd sing English speaking song. They sort of did it one on, one off, and you had to be respectful of the Chinese song. You couldn't be like, what the fuck is this nonsense? Turn this shit off.

So they'd sing a really Chinese song that sounds like you think it sounds in your head, but you can't do it out loud right now. And then you do like Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Rice. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you've done Rice, Rice Baby, and fitted him with both. Nice.

You get thrown out. But with wordplay, it was worth it. is a shorefire way to get those the cherries. Rice, rice, baby. Right, hey, do you get it? Rice, rice, babe. Oh, come on. Is this thing on?

Interesting combo of vaping inhaler you've got going on there, June. I'm going to give you a screech and a smooth. It's a bit of ying and yang, man. Bassang as well. What flavour is your vape? That's ventrilling flavour. You meant to go the other way with that one.

That's peach. I think it's sour apple, that one. Oh, nice. Yeah. And how many hits of the vape do you take with one hit of the inhaler? About two to four, I try and keep it out. That's the perfect ratio.

Keep you healthy. When the ratio changes so it's more inhaler than it is vape, do you think it's probably time to stop vap? That's cancer. Yeah, all right, yeah. By the way, just so you know, the ratio two to four is also the ratio one to two. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he simplified the ratio.

Maths, Colin? I've been teaching maths, yeah. Badly, basically. You miss your vape, Dan. You were a vapist for a little while. No, because these have done the job. Are they the chewing, your things under your tongue? No, under your lip.

Under your lip. Yeah, have you done one before? I have, yeah. They're all right, man. Yeah, they're all right. To Adam, it's like he snorted ecstasy. Giving Adam and Harry one of these in the pub is such a wild ride. It's so fun.

Because within 10 minutes, they're like, fucking out of my head's warm. Finn went straightways. Finn went sideways on one of them after Shane Gillers. Wow. Just don't think they're that strong. It's just like, is it coffee? Is it nicotine?

It's intense. Is caffeine in a nicotine? It's nicotine. Yeah. Suppose if you ever, who you suppose you smoke? They don't really smoke. All the Nordic girls do it. Tom, you know, I don't know

Why does that? It's tooth to cake though, don't it? Or tooth loss? So does smoking. Yeah, but don't do that. All right, well, yeah, you're better not doing either of it, yeah. It's better than inhaling, though, in it, I bet.

By the looks of you, yeah. It's so delicious, though, man. It looks of core as well. Do you think vaping looks cool? When I'll do it, yeah. Let's have a look. Go on. Oh, we can do the whole...

I've never done a hoop before, man. Nice. That's smooth, mate. Clip that. I think we need to get some more clubs going for minorities. I don't think the blacks and the gay should be dominating the minority club scene. We should have a white club.

Yeah. Cool. You're taking out of the car and online, are you? Yeah. Let's have a meeting. Let's put a meeting whites only. We've got one. It's called Potweld.

It's called Weather Spoons. No. Do you mean? Pop World is... Is that white, only? Yeah. Pop World is for everyone who doesn't have tasting music.

Black, white, all the others. Like, the poster people of Pop World is the Spice Girls? There's a lesbian, a blonde, a ginger. A black woman. Sporty's not a lesbian, is she? She's just like track and field. What?

She's an athlete, man. Four Spice Girls? Five. Is there? Posh. Jerry. Posh one. Victoria.

Jesus, how can you? Tories, working-class lesbians, black ladies with afros, gingers, and baby-spice. Who's the working-class lesbian? Elsie? The sport, is she? No, but she's for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's like the representative. Yeah, do I mean? If Julian talked to her in J-A-Y, someone would get annoyed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they were all doled up and stuff. But when Melby and Jerry were lesbians, they were gay together. Did I?

Eddie Murphy? Yeah, but like, in an interview with Pierce Morgan. Yeah, I think so. Mel B gets asked, did you ever les off at any of them? Pierce knows how to do it, didn't he? I've not seen this interview.

And she says, I was muffed diving on Jenny loads. Oh, were they? She's like, Saws, I know she's married and all that now, yeah, but she ate me a box a few times. Is that the first ever bait him? I was on Good Morning, Britain.

Yeah. Saars, yeah. Yeah, yeah. or Eddie Murphy. That's true, though. It's great, by the way. Didn't know that at the time. Wow.

But, like, yes, he was dating. That would have really fucked up some of my meditations, if you know what I mean. That would have ended them early if you'd catch them a drift. Both very attractive women. How's life, Julian?

Yeah, life's all right, man, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. What you've been up to? Just gig in, doing a pod, TV. I, check it out. Carl's in Melbourne, so we did it on Zoom. Carl Donnelly, of course.

Carl Donnelly. Has he moved there permanently now? He's there permanently with a new baby. Oh, congrats. In Melbourne, where I was born. You were born in Melbourne? Yeah. So are you an Aussie?

Well, I got an Aussie passport, but I grew up in London. See, we had a conversation today. Is where you're born, where you're from? Is where you're born? Is where you're from? Is where you're born? Is where you're born? Yeah, I guess so.

In some ways, I guess it's a spectrum. If someone asks you, where are you from? Long way to answer. I'm English, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. You're from London? From London.

When I'm in Australia, I feel really English, you know what I mean? Yeah. And when you're in England, do you feel really Australian? I feel African when I'm in. When I'm in Liverpool. I feel South Korean. Got a place for you? When did you move to England?

When I was about one or two? I don't even remember. Yeah, very young. Yeah, I got trapped out there when I was 16. I got a one-way ticket, and I got trapped there for like eight months. So I had to, because I got an Aussie passport, I just got a one-way ticket.

And I might have to work in McDonald's and outside shops, saying, it's all got to be sold, that kind of thing. So hang on, you went over for a bit of a holiday. I thought it'd be three weeks, but I got kind of tricked because I was getting in trouble a lot in England, like expelled and police.

And my mum said, go over there for like a few weeks with your dad. and I went over there and they were like, yeah, you ain't coming back. That's how Australia started, actually, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't it the plot of Tokyo Drift? Is it, yeah?

It is. It's the plot of Fashion and Fury's Tokyo Drift, Julian. That's funny, isn't it? It sounds like I'm lying now. Wait a minute, like... The end of usual suspects, isn't it? What, so then you couldn't get back again? I couldn't get back, and my dad was like,

you're not going back because you're going to get, you're going to get in trouble when you go back. And so I got a job myself. I went and got legal advice saying, yeah, you can go back. It's not up to the day. So your mum and your dad who had separated, we're like, listen, this is going to end badly in London.

I was on the wrong path big time, you know what I mean? Yeah. What were you off to? What was your... That's just a little G, you know what I mean? Lowercase. Lower case. Lower case, G, bro.

A little G-Y. Not a big G, G, little one. It was just like, you know, vandalism and... Yeah, just like, you know, getting arrested, yeah. Like little car theft, that kind of level. Vandalism? No, stealing cars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so I went out there for three weeks,

and when I got out there, they were like, yeah, you're not coming back. So I, you know, got a job. Hang on. Did your dad still live in the UK? No, he was out there with me. Right, okay. But, you know, he wasn't kind of a responsible parent to live with. Yeah, but and I worked.

It took me eight months, paid my ticket off and came back. Got straight back into crime. Nicked a car at Gatwick. No, it did. Heathrow, rather, but it did... Thanks for clearing though. Thank you, man.

Just in case people think, he's bullshit, and ain't Gatwick. Were you clean when you got back? Yeah, it did change me, man. Yeah, I did grow up a lot there, yeah. It was good. What job did you go? Well, when I, oh, what, in Australia,

I've got McDonald's for about four weeks, and then spruiking, they call it, outside a shop on a microphone. So they like the London accent. Just reading things out, saying it's a sale on and all that stuff, yeah. Because they were going with like the EastEnders vibes. Yeah, like, can't get your fat and tomatoes, you're big on, isn't you skirt?

Yeah, yeah, it was all that. Healthy. That one shot. That's TK.K. Max. So, yeah, then I'll come back. Have you been back since? I've not been back since now. He's got PTSD.

That's the way far away, isn't it? You're going to go and visit Carl? I did get asked to go out there for a few months, doing gigs and stuff. But they wanted me for three months. It's just a long time. I'd go for like three weeks. Three months is long, and I've got kids.

You could just go and do one of the three. festival's down instead of all three. Is that, yeah. Just go and do Melbourne. I would, I would do it. I'm not like proactive. Yeah, I feel the same with Australia. How old are your kids?

You've got younger kids, don't you still? My youngest is 12 or a homeschool. Right. Oh, yeah. So your hands, like, it's full on, isn't it? Yeah. You homeschool them? Yeah, Ren, I do, yeah.

What's your, like, what's your favourite subject? What do you? Chat GPT. That's my special specialist subject. I majored in it, yeah. What's it? What made you, choose to homeschool your kid?

She just, well, she was a bit nervous in primary school. So, um, and then secondary school started. And we're at the gate and she's melting down, man. Like, I've never seen her like that. She was really, having a panic attack. Bad, yeah, like. And, um, so we got her in for a couple of hours. And that night she's just begging me.

And everyone's the family's there. And I just, after a while, I just went, all right, I'll homeschool you. And everyone's like, what? Um, I'm free in the day. I spend time. I don't live with them. So I'll spend time with her now. It's nice, man, yeah.

If Etta gets to, she's only two years away from high school. If it gets to that, we'll homeschooler. Does not break, I'm not going to break her heart to make her go to a school to train her for a nine to five job that I don't think she's going to have anyway long term. Would you pass some of the responsibility on? Would you have us all teacher a subject? Everyone's involved, Julian on Zoom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I could do the chat cheap tea side of things. You're not stealing that off me. But I, the instincts are gone. rock. Do you not make any loose something though by not got like the social side? The social side of it, yeah. Like we are looking at into that groups and stuff.

But there's homeschool groups that meet up. Oh, is there? Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of resources, man, online. It's only been, you know, since September, so I'm still finding my feet a bit. She got like an insect day today. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's teacher training day. No, we're still in the Christmas holidays. Yeah, yeah, we have a long one, yeah. How was your day look then? Is it a structured day? You know what? It's, I find it's easy really, but I feel like there are some blind spots. Like maths and English, I've covered.

But science, archie does anyway. But I'm still getting it together, yeah. But there is online resource that I started using at Oak Academy. It's good. Yeah. Class? I'm genuinely cool. What, what, do they, does anyone, like, check in on you?

Or is it literally like, you're left to your own devices, you do what you want? Well, we kept her on the school role. So we're getting ag from the school and they're looking at, you know, I mean, the courts and all that. But I kept her on the school role because then you can get help. You could just take her off the school role and you're on your own. Yeah. But then there's no, you can't pressure anyone for any help. So I'm keeping her on that for as long as I can, yeah.

And then you have to sign her for exams and then she just goes into, like, a college. Yeah, I think you might. have to pay for exams or if she's on the role she can do them yeah in the theory one-on-one teaching you're gonna get so much more done in an hour i learned nothing in school man which is not really good reason why i'm teaching but but i literally learn not i can teach you nothing though like i heard something about hitler once and that was about it that was my whole on the right pod we know everything about hitler did you think yeah yeah yeah what's that The Jew thing.

Did I what? No, the Jew thing, is that what you heard about Hitler? World War II. That was the one, weren't it? Yeah. That was the second one. Don't teach her history. Hitler was the hero of it, was it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Batman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Flew in and saved all the Germans. Churchill was evil, wouldn't it? Yeah, that was it. I think I got that right. Yeah, stupid dog.

Different style of teaching. Hail to the king. Have you heard that Kanye song? I have heard. Yeah, can we play it? That's my karaoke go-to. Charlie's Chinese karaoke. I normally go down the urban clubs

and just blast it out. It's a high-risk move, but if it wins them all. They appreciate the bravery. I'm fascinated that you'd choose the homeschool letter if she got... Would you get tutors in and stuff? I'll do the match for you.

I get my wife in. Yeah. Is your wife a teacher? Yeah, she will be in about two years. She will be in September. I think Etta will dance into high school. She'll look like she's such a social butterfly. Yes.

So do I. But when we're talking about the high schools, because this is, I know it's mad she's year four, you start looking at the options. There's blue coat in Chester, which is, I think, CV and it's a funny part of town from us.

Can't be ass getting there. Can't be a ask getting there. To at least 10 minutes. It's a lot of school. And then there's the Catholic school, and she's not going there. Why? There's Upton.

Why is she not going to a Catholic school? Like, there's not... Because she's not a Catholic. They're quite... Neither am I though, when I went to a Catholic school. Yeah, but you are a Catholic. Yeah, on paper.

There was also on Muslims and Hindus and everything in our school. Oh, right. She'll convert to Islam and go to a Catholic school. And what a waste of time that will be. Not everybody in our school is Catholic. Right, cool. Well, she's not going to one where there's Catholics.

That's how strong I am. I'm a really anti-Catholic stance all of a sudden. Just since podcasting with you two. The C of the private school. The C of A school is a pretty like... No, she's just going to go to the big comp, I think, Upton. But that is a 2,000 student school or something. It's pretty big.

Upton were rough at football. I remember that. Yeah, because they've got 2,000 kids to choose from. So that's probably the option. But if she makes any noise about like I don't really want to do it, Get her homeschooling, get her fostered, yeah. She's giving us some other family, probably a Catholic family.

That's quite powerful for a lot of people low and you just have to kind of, not push them, but like get them to the first month and they go, oh no, I do like this. Surely you've got to give them at least the go. Yeah, yeah, you've got to try and push them a little bit, encourage them. Yeah, yeah.

When she's in year 11 and she's like, I still don't want to go. I'm like, shut up. She's got to do at least five years. And then we'll talk. Imagine there's a lot of kids who are like, I don't want to go there and you like, well, you kind of got to,

I mean, you gave them a month or two and got, right, okay, if it's not working, literally. I did that with the Welsh school. I went to the Welsh school for the learner bit and then I sacked it off. Well, we're going to send her

to Welsh school. Did you have to speak Welsh there? Mm-hmm. Are you Welsh? Yeah. Ah. Your podcast didn't just rewind. Your podcast didn't just rewind.

We didn't know you were a brother. What I mean? I see you've been going down to Welsh clubs, well? The Welsh hip-hop club. Obviously, if she gets bullied or something, that's a worry.

Home schooling. Give her a little. Give her a little life. Isn't taking them out of school because they're getting bullied at the homeschool? Surely, when you move to school before you're homeschool. I'll send her to a comp that she doesn't want to go to.

I'll give her a phone with all the internet because it's easier. No, what I'm saying is you can't go, oh, at first points of pressure, you just pull them out. Do you think she'd get bullied at homeschool? Yeah, I just did that. I just did that bit, Julie.

Oh, I didn't hear you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can do it again. Can we take Dan's one out? That was offensive. Yeah, well, she can go, and I'll just say, look, Uncle Carl says, shut the football. I don't know why you show against the Catholic school?

Yeah, that's weird, man. Just probably because of the institutional pedophobic. I never saw any Peterfillion in school. Oh, yeah, you never saw any? Oh, well, then it didn't happen. In school. I think they're hooked by any of the teachers. I know.

So you didn't see any, did you have your eyes shot? You felt it. In the church, yeah, but there's no, there's no paedophily. I think it's more, it's bigger, like, it seems bigger than it is. You know what I mean? We'll take the risk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just throw her in.

It's an old thing, isn't it? Is she fit? Is she a little salt, yeah? You've got to be careful if she's a little treacle, you know what I mean? If she, is she a 10, yeah? He's a 10-10. she won't see jock shit then I'm fristling her

she's in the basement I'm gonna put her in Catholic school to keep her away from you I'm the teacher no but the paedophilia thing man that's back in the day yesterday

no one gets nonton anymore that was early last week man this morning here's a question for you let's say you start homeschool an eta and she starts smashing her exams

and some parents in the local area hear that you're a good teacher here we go would you take on? That's why I'm shit, just in coast. Yeah, I could see it. They're all queuing up. So Khan and Humdingki from...

Oh, yeah. We're going to do all the neighbours. Raymond Chan brings his kids over. Raymond Chan. The 70-year-old Chinese karaoke owner. His kid's at least 40. I'll teach you. Is that what you say?

Who's at the door? It's Raymond Chan, the 70-old... I really wish I'd not use Raymond's real name. Raymond Chan. So Raymond Chan brings his grandkids over. Oh, grandkids. Yeah, cool.

I'm not teaching his 45 year old. They've got great voices, but they can't count. Teaching his hedge fund manager son. It's going to be a weird classroom. Humdingy from down the road. Raymond Chan's grandchildren. Once again, Raymond.

Khan and Humdingy, Keith and Allen. And they're two. Keith and Allen, are they adopted? They've got it's from their managers. Oh, we don't remember. There's an imaginary gay couple three doors down. all are welcome. I'm gonna...

Lesbians have adopted. Yeah. How many people are gonna be in your class? What are you allowed? About 30 by the sounds of it. Are you gonna have any kids, Adam? Yeah. I'm teaching him.

Catholic way, yeah. Yeah. I fucking love podcasting of you, Julian. It's some of my favorite podcast. Is she a 10? It's... I laugh more per episode with Julian. And this is the first one I've ever done with you.

No, it's the second. Third. Fifth. Third. Oh, no, I did your... Do you remember when I did your one? Yeah. You came to my house.

That night girl's in the house. That was in Australia. Where are you from? Australia, yeah. I'm Australian. Yeah. I grew up in Kenya. But you did a pod, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was 10 years ago. 12 years ago. That's fucking, it's not even that long really seeing us what you're doing now.

It is. It's nothing, man. It feels like we started this 10 years ago. I know that's stupid. You're bored? No.

Not when you're here. Sounds like he's bored, too. I was thinking, I was on my phone last night and there's a girl I went on a few dates with and her Instagram story was there.

So like, as I'm cycling through, I've seen an Instagram story and I was like, oh. Like, and that was so long, ago.

2020. And that felt like ages ago. Yeah. Four years. It's mad that COVID was six years ago. I can't believe it was like... In my age, it's like two years ago. Oh, I think it's like 15 years ago.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. The amount of people that go, well, you did well, didn't you're starting in COVID? I've had that so many times that people think... But you would have done well, not in COVID as well. We were flying. Well, they started before COVID.

Yeah. We had a great three months, yeah. I didn't know that. like before COVID. Yeah. It's a weird little misconception. Yeah, yeah.

But my first podcast was pretty bad. No, that was fun, man. It was fun, yeah. Because you rang me afterwards and said, I was interrupting a lot. I had to edit your episode quite a lot.

You were having the most ADHD. Well, edit all the laughs out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Julian, I really wish I had the copy of it. It was so funny, but it was the most all over the shop, ADHD.

I think it was my first ever, pod are done. It was so funny, but it was a crazy... Thanks for doing our podcast. I am going to have to edit it a lot because you kept talking. He edited me out. Just me talking in a flat in London.

It's a great one. It's a really good episode. And then you did Rich Wilson after me? Yeah, I did this. I remember your schedule. I did the southeast... God, you... The South East London. South East London Boys. Was I the only guest episode of that that was in your house? No, a couple in my flat, yeah.

You came to my flat, didn't you? How many Epps did you do? 82, 83. Yeah, it's still going. Is it how many? Oh, in my, that was no one. Yeah, I thought, like, yeah. Don't tell any of these about it.

There was like, there was like 10 of the HAC Radio Pod. Have you, have you still got any of the files? 30 of the HAC Radio Pod. You still got any of the files? Stumble. 30! Yeah. That's Mard.

We should genuinely put them on Patreon. 28, 29. The first, the first, the, the, the, you should definitely put them on your Patreon. The HAC Radio Pod with Adam is on. Yeah, but we should put some of your old episodes on Patreon. You need my episode up on Patreon, man, in it? Yeah.

Clip it up. We'd be the two minutes of it. I really wish I had done that girls in the house. Do the unedited version, though. It's about three hours. I thought it was good, and there was a lot of good feedback. Yeah, it was good. But you run me.

It was great. You said, yeah, man, you're all over the place. He was so all over the place. But we're mates. It's not like the first time I've met him, and I'm like ringing him up going just to give you some feedback. That was good, man. That feels like a break.

Interval. Julian is a very, very funny comedian, go and see him live and also listen to his podcast with the wonderful Carl Donnelly TVI. TVI. We are TVI on socials. We've got an amazing patron,

community, WhatsApp groups, WhatsApp community, longer videos, porn. It's not a sinister as he made it, Sam. There's no porn. What happens in the WhatsApp groups? It's a really, it was such a good idea, man.

It's just exploded, like just there's loads of splinter groups, health, politics, you know what I mean? Like, whatever. And there's the main group. It's just a really nice community of people. Class there. It's good. No. I don't think so, guys.

I'm in it all the time, though. They're very supportive. Just going off the Patreon chat. Probably not. Let's do some have-a-words. It's going to have a word with an and dad. Oh. I need to start listening to some Zach Brian

because we're going in a month. Less than a month. Pink grapefruit. Pink grapefruit is big baguette. I didn't know you couldn't sing. Pink lemonade Something like that, in it Pink skies

Pink skies The kids are in town For a funeral Pink skies at night The kids are driving through darling That sounds of shit man Red sky Lenny nights on the pink sky

Who wants to see that bad? Just talking about clearing out your mum's house After she's popped their clogs What? Pink skies Is that true? The kids are in town That is gonna hit fucking hard with me

So pack the car and dry your eye And I kissed a man call if you want to bring it up again. And then she died of a killing a plenty of young blood left in him. This is my fault. And plenty nights under pink skies. Blow my air,

I taught him to enjoy. I've got two tickets for so. Finn, you can't react like that to a song that's better than anything you'll ever write. Oh, for necessary. Oh, dear. I think he can. Oh, dear.

I would never write a song about that. I think it's shite. Yeah, but he's trying. Yeah. Oh, that just felt mean. He did feel mean. We love you, Finn. Come on listen to my music, prove him wrong.

It is really good. Can't prove me wrong by listening to it. Yeah, you can. I could record myself throwing a dead calf down the stairs and listen to it. It doesn't make it good. Has he done something to you in the break? I know.

What I've done here? What have I done here? I just didn't want to listen to you sing. I like his music. Carmen says, can you have a word with my boyfriend, Tom? Whenever we are off work together or on holiday, he takes an afternoon nap,

sleeps like a baby for a good hour, regardless of how much sleep he's had the night before. Like, fine if you're hung over, but surely he shouldn't need an extra hour every day. He's not Spanish. Have a word. And that's from Carmen. No, have a way.

Let him nap, in it? Yeah. Nappens great. Let that young king nap. Yeah. They're one of the worst naps, though. Yeah, true. Oh, but unless you just get it,

unless you get like the right... And your time travel. Yeah. Yeah. But naplands once we go for your health as well. Yeah. If money was no object and you were rich and you just did your own thing in the day,

I would factor in. Mate, if I was that rich, man would not be here. I'm talking... Whoa. Whoa, man. Sorry. What?

You think if I'm a billionaire, I'm doing two episodes I have a word a week. You do one at least. You do one at least. You do three, mate. But also come back to a country song. It was like, I'll be doing this anyway,

wherever it is. If I was dead rich, I'd be just see me mates all the time, yeah, so why not? Yeah, I would see my mates all the time. I wouldn't be doing it. I, no, I was a billionaire. I'd still be doing the pod.

I'd buy a word and be here all the time. Genuinely, you'd be one of the five comics where I don't think that'd be too much of a problem. And in an empty room problem. sitting here. If you're a billionaire, you'd still be doing this twice a week.

I won a billion. Dude, you've got the best job in the world. Yeah, I've got a great job. I'd like to do it less. I would, that is really upset. I can't have an afternoon nap. You're in two days a week?

I know. I'm weird. You can't have an afternoon now? It's a lot. There's so many couches in this building. It does not slide into what we do either. It doesn't slide into what you do. And I do more than you.

You play FIFA loads. I'm actually playing the football. I can't nap on this schedule. Oh, poor time. It's nap time right now and I'm here. Just nap time. Oh, let him have a little nap. We'll be done in 15 minutes and you can nap.

No, I'm on the M53. I can't nap then. Don't laugh on the M53. Why don't you move closer? Just have the nap before you go up. He'd be happier in Liverpool. His wife would be, his kids wouldn't be little Cheshirewolds. It'd be so much better.

They're better schools. I've nearly paid the roof off. They're not all Catholic schools, either. There's more over here. Dan, so if tomorrow you won a life-changing month, say you won like 100 million on the Super Bowl, whatever it's called in America, you go, I'm done. We'd have to have a conversation.

That's dead sad. A hundred million pounds? Are you not doing this? I'm doing this because it's dead fun of. This is honestly news to me. Dan's just doing this for the money, man. Would you not put money into the pod? You can have a bit.

If enough me, I want also the coolest shit. Did you get a round of sandwiches or something? I'm telling you right now, if you win 100 million, I want 50 million into the pod for us and we start Adam and Carl's fun house immediately and you can fuck off. I want a couple of brasies.

Sorry. You sit in your garden, and watch your plants grow. Sorry. I want a trans brass. If I win 100 million, I've got to give you 50 million to as a severance package. Oh.

25 millage. Right, okay. Right. Yeah, yeah, you can have it. Yeah. Or I keep the 100 million and just come in less. No, you're in more, if anything. The only person who's allowed to leave

I don't know if you're not how money works, Adam. Say Finn somehow, like, someone who blows up and he's like the new big ting and he went, boy, I love you, but I've got, that's fine. I think that's why Adam's very mean to him. He's worried he's about to blow up. It's just keeping him in his place. Would you still do this, Finn, when you blow up?

I'd still, I've said this for a while. I'd still like to do this. I just don't want to edit it. Yeah, yeah. Do you do all the editing? Yeah. Yeah. I could say, yeah, the editing is an effort in it.

That's the annoying bit. I've never done it. I've never done it. I've never done it. Is that like a few hours of... Yeah, it's in real time. I miss her, isn't it? You know?

I hope they're paying you, man. August, 2020. It was a big month. Then I didn't know we were a finite amount of money away from you just leaving us. Mate, I'm 45. I'm having a great time. You broke everyone's heart, man.

This is a great job. I absolutely love it. A hundred million pounds in the bank. I'm going to take in at least one of the episodes off a week. You'd want to go to Thailand? Would you want to go to Thailand? Why not do it? And I have.

and film it? Yeah. Would you be fulfilled just sat in your garden? Again, I'm not... You'd get, like, bored, man, quickly. Again, I don't know. This is not...

What I'm doing with 100 million is not just buying more plants for my garden. I'll tell you what, retirement's been a nightmare. Look at all these billionaire plants I've bought. But what would you do? I've got things to do.

What would you do? What do you mean? Yeah, probably get hair. Yeah, but that's a good Patreon special? It's a good... We can do it as a Patreon special. I just don't want to be here twice a week. You'd get hair, did you say?

Would you do once? I do once. You can have me once. You get fucked. A helicopter in. You do anyway. There you go, everyone. You know that?

Your favourite thing, it's a massive part of your life in your week. Well, one lottery ticket away from it all going away. Or... We need to start a lottery syndicate, but cut down out of it. What, so he doesn't win? Yeah? We buy all the other tickets.

No, we... But we win, and we all become millionaires, and we... And then make him do four a week. Three days a week. Make it worth us while. Step it up.

Right. Now, we're millionaires, boys. Two episodes more a week. Class. Honest to God, if that happened to me, I would still do that. Like, I'm just saying that for the cameras. This is so fun.

Yeah. It is loads of fun. Yeah, I do enjoy it. If I won 100 million, I'd be in exactly two days a week here, and the same we already are, and I would buy a comedy club immediately and waste all my money on making it the best comedy club in the world.

I'd probably do that. Next to hot water. That's fun. So if you want to under Milton Mono, like, what's your plans? Uh, like... Pay your mortgage off. Yeah.

Pay my mortgage off. Hair. You'd move out of Sogall, shall. Hang on, how much is hair that you can't afford it, no. But I could have the biggest house in Sogall. What about that? The biggest affro. The biggest achievement, really.

What are you talking about? There's some big houses. There's two big houses in Sogle. By one of them. By Martin's house next door and give him the smallest room. So buy his house, move into it, but he still lives there. You just, I own this now. you're only allowed to sleep in that fucking larder.

And you've got to take your shoes off. I'm going to aggressively take over my neighbour's house. Let them still live in it. Rent free, apparently. But he has to be in the box room. Julian, what would you say you came into like an insane amount, life change amounts of money, what would you do? My life wouldn't change that much.

That's what I'm saying? Do you reckon you should get a tutor for your daughter? I'd do that. I'd do that. I'd get her tutors. Yeah. You know, I'd be living in a bigger house. Yeah, it wouldn't change.

I'd sell my mansion and get a bigger one. You know, I'd have a pool cleaner because I've not got a pool cleaner at the moment. Nightmare. I'd do it myself, you know what I mean? But my life wouldn't be mad different probably. You know what I'd just be bigger stuff. Probably less Oxford Glee.

Oh, yeah. So you basically just create your life you want. You're necessary dig at Oxford Glee. Oxford Glee's lovely, by the way. You still do stand-up, though, wouldn't you? Yeah, I'd just do stand-up. I'd probably, I'd probably hit a few open mics more. You know what I mean?

Like, just get up with no material, that kind of, you know what I mean? Like, if you think... I would love my own venue. That is something I'd put in. If you think about it, like, essentially, like, Shane Gillis is probably in the exact position we're talking about. With the tour, he's just done, he's just done over, like, I think it's something like 150 arenas.

Yeah. Where he's making a lot of money. With the tires money. Yeah. So he's in that position, and he's still doing Matt and Shane's secret podcast twice a week. Yeah. He must have been so many tens of millions.

Yeah, he's doing very well. But is he starting a school for his neighbour's children? You could build on it, Marley? That's what I've got to think about. The Dan Nightingale Academy. Dan Nightingale Academy. R.C. Oh, wow, that was...

You just said R.C. Remote control? Remote control, yeah. Not Roman Catholic. Remote control. It's all AI anyway. Start a school, start a comedy club, here once a week.

All right. Well, let's hope you don't wear any money and leave us. All right, I'll stay then. We're starting a loss of us. So yeah, Carmen. Just let him nap. Callum says,

Hello, lads. Have a word with my friend Jack. When he wakes up in the middle of the night, he cannot drink water. He only ever drinks fizzy drinks. In the middle of the night. And first thing in the morning, we went camping last year,

and I was woken up by him, pststst-pisting. a can of fanta and glugging it. Have a word. But you're not just trying to get someone's attention. Suck me off. By the way, if you're hung over, a fizzy drink when you wake up

is like the best thing in the world. It's like the sugar in it. It just kicks you in the head. Yeah, you need a partner who instead of going, you're hung over again, you fucking disgrace, when you go, could I have a big drink with ice and the sugar?

Oh, that's amazing. Oh, like a pint of fizzy. But he could, he obviously would have bad teeth and stuff, when I, with all that. Yeah. But he's grotty. Yeah. Yeah. Diabetic.

Do you drink squash? Yeah. I've got a, I take a bottle of squash to bed with me every night. A little while. Not like the little concentrating square out straight into my mouth. That would be a bit much. Well, you dilute it yourself. He doesn't drink water.

Water is boring, man. I do. No, no. He doesn't like the taste of water. Yeah. I mean, it's nothing taste, though, isn't it? Yeah. No, I don't like it.

I take a pint of milk to bed every night and I drink half of it before I go to sleep and then the other half like he's one of wake up. Bit of calcium, protein. I do. What, semi-skimmed? Pite of milk.

Semi-skimmed. Frague of the pint of milk? Pite of milk for bed. Half before bed. Half in the night. So you wake. Sometimes there's a little bit left in the morning. Wake up in the night and a bit of milk.

You might have a stye glass and go two points. Right. Any cookies or? That would be good. times. Yeah, cookies and milk. Even if you're drunk, you do that. Oh, milk's even better when you're pissed or hungover.

Is it? Yeah. It's a great hungover. It's a cellar. Yeah. But I take a pint of milk to bed every night. My missus ate it, but, you know. It's not a joke.

It's not, not like me. Wow. I didn't know that. Do you have drink milk? Eat gravy? I don't take gravy to bed at night. I'm an idiot. Do you not drink milk?

Lacto-free. Oh yeah, that's like that's intolerant. But I don't drink it, you know, I don't raw dog it. It's got to have cereal swimming around in there. I'm raw dog milk. Never? Have you never been into that? No.

I mean, you're not a milkman, are you as a vegan? Not really. I grew up on milk, though. Like a glass of milk was normal, yeah. We used to have to have it in school. Did you up here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The little bottles and it'll be cheesy at the top.

I know we'd have a little air, Like a little lear. A tetrapack. That's the nicest taste of milk ever. That's the best of a plastic. It's good for you though, milk generally. Yeah. Calcium protein.

Get a milk fat. Yeah, man. I like tipping it over me. Kieran Allen says, lads. Kieran Averins says, have a word with my misses for the oppressive regime. She has me under. Apparently it's rude to try and cool yourself down by pointing a fan at your bare ass and balls. She says it sends arse particles into the air,

and I think it's perfectly fine. Who's right? That's what I do. But you've got to have a shower or something, though. Yeah, you can't, like, come straight from a high rock and put it on your ass. No. Aerox ago. Or an eight-hour shift in modest things.

Yeah, if you're clean. Farting into a fan, it'd be fun, though. Also, there's arse particles on the bed then if you've not got to clean an arse. Isn't that arse particles just everywhere all the time? Always, yeah. Ran my ass. Can't move for the ass particles. Are you a fan man when you sleep?

Do you have to have a fan on? No, I have a few fans in the DMs. Hey. I'm a fan man. Anything over like sorts of 10 degrees. I haven't my fan. My fan. It just blows hot air though.

No, I still liked it. I haven't on two last night. And you open the sheets and splay your legs. getting straight in the goot. Because I think I get the fan chat and you need to sometimes air your bollocks in the night. But this sounds like he's like

in a birthing position with a fan right up his gooch. That's an underwear discretion situation. Do you know what I mean? Like I sleep in undies but if I've got the fan on I just keck myself a little bit so that the peak of my ass crack is visible.

Just that the air can get in. You got any pictures? I can tickle me bollocks that way. I know why you literally have my bed ass and fun to the fan. Are you still in? My arse particles stay in me. He's still in several. rooms. But I clean me arse regularly.

Oh, well done. Do you sleep in separate rooms for your misses, two misses? Not anymore, we used to. Oh. You've gone back to sharing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you like it? Better? I think sleeping should be an independent thing. Yeah.

Personally. I think. So are you only back in the same room because she wants to? No, no, no. It is better. It's better for everything else. But I think that was forced on us by big bed. I totally agree. Sleep on you know. just better. Yeah, man.

There's no one's winging about ass particles. She doesn't. Because I've got a clean ass. But I don't understand that she did. I've always, I've just spotless ars off. Do you sleep?

Are you bed sharing? No, I'm on my own. Yeah, I'm on my own. I'm on my own. I, no, so I'm on my own. I sleep on my own, yeah. Yeah, it's well better.

It's nice, man. I'm having a little In a cuddle in the morning time? A cuddle. You still can? You can't be just... No, it's not natural to go, move over, let me get him,

let me get him, let me get up, and just... I'll come and cuddle you, man. But if I did that voice, you'd be like, don't do that voice, because it's... Go on! Yeah, you can go in for a little cuddle

and a nuggy. Just get a mate round, man, you know what I mean? Off to school. That's why it's good shed in bed. Headlocks. Get your uniform one. I'll pick you up at free.

You little treacle. You little honey. Frosty says, last one. Frosty says, have a word boys, Frosty here. My mates just got engaged to his misses. I've been friends with him for seven years and been mates with his missus for five.

As you can guess, we're really close, yet despite this, he didn't even let me know it was going to happen, no message or anything. Worst part is I was at his house the day before he did it, so trying to work out if I'm a bell-end for expecting to be told my two best mate to getting engaged, or if he's a knob for not giving me a heads up. It's from Frosty.

Not your fucking business? I was in the exact same situation, with Alfie recently. I thought of you when I put it in. I was in the pub with Alfie Brown the day. In fact, it was the day that he asked her.

We went and watched the Liverpool Fulham game. I went home. He went home. And later that night he asked her. I'd be a bit offended if he didn't tell you.

Tell you first. Like if I wasn't involved in like picking a ring and stuff. I want to be involved. You're involved in mine. Absolutely. But also. I think if you went to me and Alex,

I'm like, Wow, that's mad. Was I'm involved in yours, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think I'd be a bit offended and a bit like... Do you think? Like, as a ball. If he just go...

It just kind of feels like something I want to keep to myself. I'd genuinely be a bit offended. What? I don't know. I'd like to share with you, mate. I really think that's dealer's choice. I do think it's dealer's choice,

but I also think just when something's dealer's choice doesn't mean someone else doesn't get to feel any kind of way about it. Yeah. No one's wrong, really. I don't think he'd be like, end of friendship. I think he'd be like,

oh, well, fucking else. I thought I'd be involved. I thought I'd be picking the ring widget and doing all the fucking the build up. I get it. But if some, if also that's our relationship.

Yeah. Like we've sort of, like, I know that. Yeah. Do I mean? I wouldn't do that. But I imagine other people,

like, me and Alfie, I haven't done that. Like I'm just like, I'd be, I'd be genuinely a bit gutter. I'd be like, ah, fuck,

I've missed out on something that I enjoy being, like, I loved that he was there for man and Steve was like, helping me and being involved. and being involved and like a little secret in.

You'd be a bit good, but you wouldn't be pissed off with him. I wouldn't be pissed off, but I'd be upset. Because ultimately it is the groom's choice if he just wants to, like that can be a private thing. Also, I think, you know,

if it's a spare of the moment, like I know now that Alfie had his ring for a while and he was just waiting to decide when he was going to do it. And he got home that night and just realised, lift him would be full him

and he was having a nice time. All his kids were there, they were all like being cute and adults. and he just had this little moment with his family and they're in Liverpool and they've got this house and their life has changed so much in the past year and they're happier and more solid than everything's goal

than he was in that moment he was like, I'm doing it now. And that's not so, it's not like when we were in the pub, he was like, I'm not telling Adam that when I go home, I'm going to propose. It was nothing like that. And I think maybe if I had said to Carl, I'm going to ask Alex to marry me and we'd gone and got a ring.

And then one day I did. that and then texting and was like right we're engaged I don't think he'd be like fucking hell you didn't tell me you were going to do it but like if I made a big plan and I had a photographer waiting behind a fucking sand dune on Freshfield's Beach

and pictures went on Instagram and that was the first he'd saw of it he'd have every right to be like you're not a heads up not a... I didn't tell anyone that I was apart from Bondi because he got me the diamonds

you can't be Take them away for me. Did you ask Laura's dad? Did you ask Laura's dad? She didn't want me to. I asked her if she wanted me to ask permission. She went, I must have given a hint.

My dad was saying no. Don't ask him, me. No, no, he hates you. Please don't. He's just going to make him angry. Please don't tell him that we're married. He doesn't know we're still shagging. He died thinking she was single.

If you did sort of now big in your life, then you've had kids and you've got married, you've not got brilliant. I imagine you've bouncing off us at least. If you were going to divorce, Laura, run it by us. Do you know what I mean? Don't just, like, put it on Instagram. Like, divorce party.

Divorce photographer? What? You want in on that? Yeah. I just want to, like, talk you through it, don't make sure you're getting a fair deal because women often get favoured. All right, well, can we have a meeting after the recording?

But if you're doing a big life of it, like, same with you, like, I don't know, I think I'd have an, because we're quite close to net now. Yeah, Finn, if you, like, eventually go on an actual date with a girl, we want to know beforehand that you're thinking about doing that,

do you know? I think it's not small, so it doesn't get room, but, like, trust the people you love them, but if you are thinking of, like, doing this and proposing to your word, you don't have to tell everyone if you don't want to.

If your instinct is... Yeah, some people are more private, aren't they? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, some people got no friends. I'm private with all my girlfriends. They don't know each other.

It's the best way to be... Honestly, if you've got no friends, don't be like, oh, I've got to make friends to tell someone about it. Just get your misses lock, in it's a personal thing, in it? You know? I just think too many people. Yeah, because maybe not. People will ruin it because it might get out.

But the people you love and trust should, I think they should... All right, I tell you, if I'm ever... Too many cocks spoil your breath. If I'm ever getting a new wife, I'll let you know. I'll talk to you. Cheers. In a circle. But like, when you got pregnant with Jack,

you told us pretty much straight away, then you? You're the first people, did I? There you go, so that's the same thing. As you finished coming, wasn't it? You're like, that was the one. I've landed that one, lad. I put it in the WhatsApp group. I've still got the message somewhere.

If you go back, you'll be able to hear Laura asking for a towel. You're boxing. She threw it in. I'm tired now. I should be napping right now. Let's get down a nap on the N5. Julian Dean I fucking love you

love you man thanks for coming in and a pleasure go and watch and listen to TVI Finn have we got a song that won't get a struck in anyway yes that'd be great Kanye West please

a band from Hamilton New Zealand called Port I've been to Hamilton and this is their debut single M just the letter M like Jane Bond They don't sound like concerts at all My name. I don't think that's

I don't know. I don't know. I'm sure they're great. Bye, Felicia. The shadow on my door.