Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #382 with Nick Helm - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: May 23, 2026

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comHAW x Stars In Their Eyes Tickets: https://www.skiddle.com/e/42247092Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukFinnlay K - Beautiful Morning: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/BeautfiulMorningAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's new EP: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/AllInYourMindThanks to this week's sponsors:Heights | https://heights.com/haveawordEnter code HAVEAWORD20 at checkout for 20% off your first month!Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Saily | https://saily.com/haveawordDownload SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, Leds. Before we start, this amazing episode. Need to tell you about our patron is one of the biggest in the world. For just three pounds a month, you get an extra episode, the patron exclusive, every Wednesday. If you're enjoying the public episodes, you will love the patron exclusives. And then there's the full back catalogue of all the patron exclusives and the patron specials. The patron specials are unbelievable. We've just released Kilimanjara, our biggest special yet. But we've got the whole back catalogue.

It's about 50 specials now, I think. Two Amsterdams, Nashville, India, all the lockings. Yeah, and the TV show level standard stuff we do as well, like the Bake Off and other stuff. So we put one of those out a month. There is a huge back catalogue. And if you become a Patreon, you basically get first dibs on live tickets. We've got all sorts of shows going on, not just podcast shows,

but also mine and Adam's shows. If you want to come and see me do stand up. In August, I start Dan Nightingale Friends, Dan Nightingale and Friends as a tour. Dan Nightingale.com. It's me doing the first half and then Ishan's doing loads. Rob Mulholland's doing some Phil Nicol, Mark Nelson.

About 32 dates around the country. Dan Nightingale.com for that. Adam is going on tour as well with fashionism, his new hour of stand-up and that is at Adamrow.com. com.com. You can go and see the dates and get your tickets there.

Yeah, an absolutely brilliant stand-up and, you know, me and my mates are pretty good as well. So, patreon.com slash have a word pod. That's it, really, isn't it? Enjoy the episode. I thought you did that really well. Thank you.

Really smart. Sucking up to the boss as well. Enjoy the episode. It's going to be a belter. Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only. Have a word.

This episode is brought to you by NordVPN. The very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed. Get on me. I'm thinking of getting a mullet. Nice. Another mullet. I've never had a mullet.

Have you never had a mullet? No. I understand. I do give up previous muller's energy. I would love to take you back to year 11. And just go, boys.

I'm wearing a lot of caps. And it's just, these little bits are doing me heading. I took my behind me years. Yeah, but it's not long enough for that. Oh. So it's just, I think I'm in a middle,

and I need to choose one way or another, and I don't want it long again. So I'm a modern mullet, not a full mullet like him. Like a modern one, like a fade. Like him. So it's really shorty yet,

and then fades to the back. That's how it starts, though, and then it becomes the full mull. That's what my five-year-old son's got, and Laura does his heck. So, you know, we can save some money, and my wife can do your mullet for you. Class.

She's got it down. Sign you up. Also, he made his wife gives you a mullet. Oh, yeah. I've been wearing a lot of caps and I can grow a mullet so this is great.

We can do it together. Didn't we used to have a mullet? I'll be able to say that to you. Mine will be a less modern mullet because I'll be able to fade from the back. There'll be hair coming out of the back and I will have nothing on top

and look like a hipster monk pedophile. Brilliant. This is great. Sign me up. I'm going to fade. I think I asked Just grow my back hair up

I asked my missus if I'm allowed And she said She went, You know what? You can try her Because if I hate her It'll just grow back, won't it? And she's right.

You asked your missis If you were allowed. That is her. Very pertinent. I went for dinner with a mate on Friday and we were talking about me going to Ireland next year and I'm like,

long term if I put something in, Laura's always sound with it. And then my mate was like, yeah, I never asked permission. And right from the off, I was like, we're never doing that. And he actually encourages his missus to just say, I'm going out. So let's sort. Oh, so I'm like that with Alex. So like, if she's like, babe, do you mind if I do this next week?

I'm like, stop asking me and just tell me you doing something. You've got absolute free permission. It's a little tiny bit different now that we've got a dog where if, if I assume because of the schedule she sent me that she's going to be looking after the dog, I'm like, you can, but then you've got to sort Julia or someone to doggs it. There's logistics, but you're not actually asking permission. No. It's upset.

He's a good dad, a great partner, but just as right from the off gone, I don't have to ask permission to do something. That's right. But as soon as he said it, I was like, oh shit, I've gone completely other way. You got kids? Yeah, but he's got kids.

And he's just, it's, I think you get that credit if you're doing everything really well. I also think, like, you can tell your partner, even if you've got kids, A, I'm doing this. But then the default from their side is, cool,

in order for you to do that, you have to make sure the kids are taking care of before that's confirmed. I think that's not, that's again, something that just doesn't need to be discussed. It's not, I'm doing this,

so good luck. It's, I'm doing this, I'll make sure everything's sorted so that it doesn't impact you. The biggest wrinkle in our late, and Seneca's relationship was caused by the pardon us going away and it was uh the last nail was me and adam going to new york because she said she's the same she's like do whatever you want like i want you to be happy as long as you know we're doing things together she was like but like

coming back and going oh by the way i'm going to nashville for the week she's like i just don't like that it's not she's like i want to do things with you and the fact that you're coming back and just saying that she's like and then about six weeks later she showed me a video on ticot of new york going We need to go back to New York. We've not been for ages. And maybe the day... We'd already booked it. Maybe the day before, we'd booked it.

And I've not told you. And she went to it... I think that would be the one way if you did that, I'd be pissed off. And I had to go, I've got to have to jump on this rocket launchery and just take it up the ass. I went, I'm going to New York

in May with Adam. And she went, I can't... You don't have to leave the room. I can't talk to you. By the way, you can't put that on the pod, because that wasn't a pod trip. That was just a boys. 100%.

But even the pod trip, she's like... Because next year, we were going skiing and I was like and she's made up because she's coming and she's involved. We're taking the gal them. Taking the gals. But that,

not permission. Can I go away with the boys? Because she's like, it's your job, course you can. But it's a bit like, by the way, we're thinking about doing this,

kind of like warmer up to it rather than going, Nashville for three weeks next year. And then she's like, what? What the, it's kind of like a, because there's been that many. Yes.

He doesn't like it. So there's an imbalance there, isn't it? Because my mate has got a normal 9 to 5 job is Mrs. Works. Like, if you do a podcast and you do stand up,

my social life is way better than most 45 year olds with kids. So I'm in the mode of going, can I ask permission. But it was just mental to hear someone who was like, oh, there's no disrespect involved. I just don't ever want to be a grown man who has to ask permission.

I think I have. I think with appearance, though, I think if Laura came back and went, by the way, it's a totally different thing. It's not like, like, with the making plans, it's, I'll make sure this doesn't affect you negatively. apart from the fact I won't be there for a few days or whatever,

or a day or a night. Like, if she doesn't fancy me and the Pum-Pum dry up, like, that's bad for both of us, do you know what I always say to Laura. If she came home... I want to do stuff,

but I don't want you Pum-Pum to dry up, so let's get her sitter. The Pum-Pool. Like, if she was like, I'm going to cut one of me tits off and get a clit enlargement, I'd be like, I'm not into it. Oh, pick one of them.

Yeah. See where we go. I think that does need a chat before and, yeah, exactly, because it's a change of a pairing. Can we start with a piercing first and then just like move on? But if Laura came back and said, Dan, I'm going to get a neck tattoo and a muller, you'd be like, whoa.

You can cut your own mullet? Impressive. You'd be like, I wouldn't find you attractive with a neck tattoo and a mullet. Can't never speak to me about neck tattoos and mullets. He would like a neck tattoo. What? You'd like a neck tattoo. Like, you'd like a woman with a neck tattoo.

Laura with a neck tattoo. Oh, yeah. Is it my face? Is it Dominic Gallup. No, she's got like a word there. it's a word that you doesn't even mean anything to you. Dean. Yeah.

She loves the old leader of her university. Who's Dean? Windas. Carry on. Yeah, Dean Windas. Did I not tell you she was seen Dean? Yeah. She's got some really famous exes.

Yeah, she loves her thicker sportsman. Yeah. Retired usually. Really? Ian Botham? I'm a big fan. If she could get to him. Thick or like fat or like hench?

No, she likes to feel the way of a mask. It's really trying to roll with that bullshit. But then the image of being both of lying on my wife and her going, yeah, I've got full weight. Never south all. It's quite big now. Oh, come on. There's a line, isn't there?

You've been having any dreams like that recently, Don? Yes, Finn. Smooth. What's going on? We did a rehearsal for Stars in the Eyes last night. Great times. and then obviously we're in first thing. I thought the rehearsal would go later,

so booked a hotel. Finn lives in rural Wales, so he booked a hotel as well. We went for a bit of scrant after the rehearsal and then joined Johnny Bongo and Jack Finnegan bowling. I recommend that for everyone. Loads of fun. They are so into it,

but it's still fun to play. You know when some people get into something, it's so serious. They are so fun to play with. Immediately you've got to do this hand signs that you've got to do. if certain pins are left certain places, it instantly loads of fun.

Johnny's got a gobble-gobble tattoo on his leg already. It was so much fun. Yeah. And immediately, we started playing the four of us, Jack Finnegan, Johnny Bongo, me and Finn,

and they were like, oh, if we all break 100, we've got to get Yeager bombs. I was like, I am only drinking this pint of Guinness to look normal. I'm not having a boozy night. And he was like,

Johnny's, saying that to Johnny Bongo, he's like, I don't know what you say. It's not English. What do you mean? Well, obviously, you've got to have Yeager bombs on a Tuesday if you break up. If everyone breaks 100 and he's so, his energy is so addicted. You're like, oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah. And then we all broke 100 and had Yeager bombs.

Yeah. Played again. It was. You came second in the first game. Who did you breathe? Johnny. And I came second in the movie. Then he got a personal.

Best, at least that night. No, no, he got earlier. He got 2, 3, 4. They were on their 12th game, to be fair. I think their arms were maybe a bit tired. 2, 3, 4, that's so good. Yeah, the lad in pins came over a month. I think that's the best score we've ever had.

It was like professional level score. Oh, yeah, Johnny was flying. I mean, he started playing shit because he, you know, when you've had the best moment of your week, and he was like, I don't give him a fuck now. Also, drinking Yeager bombs, so that didn't help. There's also the new energy sniff. Yeah, there is, isn't there?

Wow. Is that wise to keep doing that action for you? Sorry, what's this? What? There's new energy sniff. Yesterday, when you left Gloria's Dan put a substance on the back of his wrist and went, I went. They've invented a... Diet cocaine.

A caffeine. That's nice. It's a caffeine sniff. Now, obviously, nearly lost my family there at one point, so can't do cocaine. And it's been two years and I feel great. That's fine. But... Do it.

Just the action of like, you shouldn't do that action anymore. Oh, it's brilliant fun. Not advisable when you've already had a Yeager bomb and then that. And then so... I just don't think if you're recovering... You just don't do the action.

Like, if you're reformed Nazi, don't wave at someone on the other side of the road. Oh, to God, that was the exact analogy I had in my own. I don't think you can do... It's a weird sensation. Or leave the fifth pin when bowling. That was one of the hundred issues. No, it's weird.

It smells like you just swallowed, swimming pool water. Felt like good times and memories. That's what it felt like. In the swimming pool. I love the swimming bath. I used to do cocaine in the swimming baths. A big bag of swimming bats in the garage. I have to dry off.

Swimming bats after the night out. Wow. Don't keep that start doing like you. No, I'm not going to do it. I understand. Addictive Johnny, you probably will. I understand. I'm just going to maybe do it when Johnny's out. And then went back to Went to the hotel room.

That is the slipperiest of slippery slopes. I get it. Like, are your eyes not like showing you rather than that just going, meh, meh, meh, meh. Now they're showing me, do, do, do, do, do, do. No, I won't, I promise I won't. Okay. Also, you're gonna- Like an alcoholic getting a flat above a pub and just being like, no.

I'm just smelling it. I just want to wave to me friends. He's in the boozee. Have a great time. Also, you will get choked out of most venues. Yeah. Because, like, if you do that,

we all just did it and like, like, if you're in the wrong place of bouncing, you're all banned for life. And then it's Johnny Bongo going, no, it's a right, it's caffeine. So I went to sleep. Finn got me a melatonin. Nice.

And I thought I'd cracked it. Three hours of sleep and then woke up, you know, one of those caffeine. This is what happens if I drink too much caffeine. I can go to sleep. then my dreams go absolutely insane and I wake up having a pan... I woke up to the image of a penis

going into Laura. That was the last image. You woke up to that? No, that was the... That was the... Oh, I thought it was happening. That was the stress dream. Like me Jordan.

That was the stress dream that I was having as I woke up. Who was the Mon? It was like a sort of... Because you can't invent faces in dreams, so it must have been real... No, it was like a... It was Ian Both of him.

And Shaq and Dean Windass. The worst. gang bang. I'd say that'd be the best gangbang of what? It would do numbers. How'd they know she knows of what? Laura. She really, she got the gang back together.

Sorry, love. Yeah, it was like an animated, it was almost like an anime beast cock. Oh, wow. Yeah, that will really raise your heart rate. Did you tell Laura that you'd walk up to an anime beast call? Just to get sent in this room. I was streaming last night

and there was an anime beast cock, fucking my wife. Like dead vainy or like of a beast like an animal's cock. I can't, like one of those, like is it a centaur or a, yeah,

is it a minor, just like Mr. Tumndus? I honestly thought you were going to say. The Minotaur was fucking Lorda. It was Mr. Tumble. Dan, stop doing this sniff, man. If the Minotaur fuck your wife in your dreams.

Yeah, I need to get off the... I mean, lay off it. I need to get off the Johnny Bongo caffeine sniff. And probably not have Yego bombs before bed. It was like a big, vainy purple. Did you go back to sleep and hope it starts again?

I was awake for about an hour and a half. I was worried, I was going to struggle to sleep last night because I had an affigato, for me, dessert. That's an affigato? It's a coffee with an ice cream in it or an ice cream with a coffee in it. It sounds like an Italian slur against gay people. It's ice cream.

And you pour amaretto on it, and then you pour an espresso on it. And it's fucking class. I had one in Florence that is a massive TikTok place. There was a queue out. There was a queue out the fucking door. Pretty good. Nice. Not worth a class.

40 minute cue. But, but. Yeah, I didn't have a queue last night. They just brought it to me table that it was already sat on. That's nice. Adam's here. Ah, stangato. Did you get the risotto?

Huh? Get the Haik risotto? You want another Fulbicar order? I got one last week, so yeah, go on. we got, as soon as we sat down, he was like, do you have any drinks? We're like, we'll have a bottle of your Argentinian Malbec. We'll have a bottle of still water.

And before we even order food, food, we'll have the chorizo and honey, the nochi and the olives. They'll just be our little antipasti. We'll just have them for the table. To try the panchetta croquette as well. Very good. I do like them, but I consider them more food, food.

Correct. Like, I basically ordered nuts for the table. Last night, should I mean? Do that little pre-order again before. Chirito and honey. Nocky with basil on. Yeah. And olives with salt and olive oil on.

And that's not food. That's pre-food. That's pre-food. Right. Triozzo in honey is nuts. Kind of, yeah. It's a snack. It's a bar snack.

Yeah, it's absolutely food. We got two orders of the heik, the butter roasted hake with saffron and risotto. The reason we got two is because Alex is like, I don't know whether I want a full one, so I'm just going to have some of yours. No, you're not. So we got two scallops.

Oh. We got the tempura prones with the garlic aioly. We got the lasagna. Yeah. We got the fennel and in do, yeah, ragu. Yeah. We got a side of fries

and a cheesy garlic bread. Do you want to leave some food for the rest of the restaurant? I've been getting a turf and surf and getting the aoli with her. I do like that, but I just felt like that would have overdone it. And did all eight of your finish or?

Me and Alex finished. I reckon 80% of it. Oh, Jesus. I'd had three Guinness before I got there. I had two thirds of a bottle of wine. She had a third of it. And then we went to Barglu,

which is one of the best cocktail bars in the world now. And it was really quiet. It's on the Albert Dock. And I got their accessible twist on a martini. And it was fucking delicious. And she got their own mountain dew. It's on a ramp. You got wheels.

If you don't like martinis, because they're quite like, wow. I imagine it was just. Yeah, I'm not a big martini man. So I've seen it. And he was like, that's like our. I was like, I'll probably won't like that.

He went, no, this is actually a martini for people who don't like them. And I was like, sounds good. And but they do their own, they call it mountain glue. It comes in a bottle and it's their alcoholic mountain dew. And that's what Alex got. I think they say do. By the way, mountain dew. Mountain dew.

Mountain dew. I think over in the States, what it is they say mountain dew. Yeah, but they also say sarsage. It's not. Do they? Yeah. That's what you go to first. Sazis.

You're American. A lot. If I could get to her martinis, that filthy, it's essentially just a olive brine. Yeah. With a touch of alcohol in her. I do, I do find it like sort of, because Alex loves a martini. I think it's an attractive thing for a girl to drink. To drink olive.

I'll have a dirty martini. She just likes olives. Do you know what I mean? Does she use the word dirty when she orders it? That's how you have to hold her. No, she asks, genuinely she asks, for a filthy martini. Yeah, that's fucking great fun,

isn't it? With all respect to your life. When she says filthy, she goes, and genuinely I'm being filthy, I want loads of olive. Proper mucky. I'm a little bit of roused. Well done, everyone.

That's martinis we were talking about. Yeah, wonderful little night, but I did wake up a little, like, is what happened last night. I went, like, fast asleep, fast asleep. Woke up and pooed out about 280 pound of food.

I haven't pooed yet. Oh, God. Pray, Fod. disabled toilet at work. But I woke up knowing it was time to get up feeling all groggy and it was quarter past five.

I got to go back to sleep for three more hours. Bosh. Lill bache. Yeah. Dad, that was your turn to pick it up. My turn was it? Sometimes with those little pauses in my head I was like,

I haven't been about a year. I hope someone has got someone to run with because I've got nothing. I've got minor talk arcs going into my business and we don't need to do that again. We've spent a lot of times in this week though, haven't we? This is days three.

And they've been long days as well. Yeah, nice. And then we're in London tomorrow. That big smoke. Yeah, but that's the work trip. Thanks for picking up the slack on that one, boys. It's all good. I'm speaking at the international podcast show

talking about our Patreon membership. Yeah. And what makes it successful, what makes us good at what we do? And yeah, we're going to, we're going to a barbecue arranged by Patreon. Very select guest list, but us three are going, you know. Little barbecue, 6pm, few sausages. There'll be Americans there.

Who wants the town? Everyone, keep saying it. We've got the influencer awards on Friday as well, but no one else is going to. Yeah, we've been nominated for Best Podcasts at the National Influencer Awards. in Liverpool. You'll have heard about it. Yeah.

And I can't make it. It's basically in the Metcala. Yeah. What are you wearing, honey? I'm going to buy a suit today, I think. It's black tie in it. I looked on the photos. You need a tuxedo.

I looked at the photos from last year and Wayne Linneica was wearing loads of suits and that. Sorry. He had one suit, but Wayne Linneica was there. Wayne Linneica was there. Wayne Linnicka was guest of honor last year. And this year, this year, it's test daily.

And it's too. No, it's not. Whoa. When's this? Why didn't I know about this? And she was really. Single as well. $250 a ticket.

Wow, I've got two gigs in Litherland though. I'll try and squeeze in Test Daily between. I get you a way in and that is it. Oh no, no. You get a complimentary beer, I think. Wow. It's a big beer. So.

Fucking hell. Yeah, test daily's going to be there. It's so good that she's still working at her age. Well, she might not be there though because she's having a divorce at the moment. Singles out of a divorce. Ed of Verdekea, Quittsville, Tennessee. Yeah. What?

Last week. What? You're not heard? She's on the market. Yeah. But so is Verlin K. I guess how fuck about him? Many women.

Six, six, six with a big cock. A lovely hair. And now your mate's replacing him on Strictly. What? Josh Whittaker. Said that with a bit of stank, didn't you? Your mate. Josh Whittickham's the new Strictly guy?

Yeah. I said he looks like a lamb who's being brought to life. I think that. A lamb's not a little. live? I'm sorry, cartoon lamb that's been brought to life. Like Sean the sheep,

but you go, Oh, it's Josh Withigam. Yeah. Would that not just be a sheep? No, Mathan's doing. No,

because they've got like a face, haven't they? Yeah, they've got like a cartoon face. A famously sheep, though. I know what he means. I said he looks like a comedian that we know is quite big

that we'd like on the couch, so. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he does look lamb-esque. Yeah, he looks lambie. Yeah, he looks like David Lammy. Yeah, he looks like David Lammy. Vernon K getting the attention still.

Is he still getting the attention, Vernon K? He's amazing like a fine wine. He's fucking... Allegedly, no. He likes putting his cock in other people. I think he's cheated on Tess a few times. I think that's been... Well, Docu-

I think that's contributing to their divorce. He's being walloping people. He likes a filthy wife. I don't know. I've told him, I've booed him off stage once. We all booed him off in Ibithen because he was too quiet. He was too quiet.

Did he have a microphone? It was Ibitha Rocks, but it was 3pm. as laws about volume. And we've gone, barely we can't earn it, mate. I mean, loads of us wearing thousands or whatever. And he went, I can't turn it up because of the rules. And be like, get the fuck.

And we literally booed him off the stage. Class. I booed a magician offstage at Britain's got talent. With the rest of the crowd. With that the crowd, yeah. Okay, it wasn't just you anti-magic stance. He came on, he was doing, he was like, is this your car, but no one could see it?

So if I was like, oh, gee, we're going to hear you. And he told the crowd at the top to fuck. off because we were ruining his thing. And Simon Carl went, we'll bring you back tomorrow. So he'd obviously been like on the books. All right. I honestly thought you just stood up going, you're not real magic.

I mean, I should know. Do I mean? Like, I've applied the trade. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did a bit of adolescent magic. You're both magicians. Yeah, I did, I did, uh,

I was booked as a table magician for Tony Belli. Oh, of course. Yeah. And he didn't like, did you ever think about joining the circle, the actual magic circle? genuinely my dad, my dad. Wouldn't let you.

No, my dad encouraged it because someone he worked at, in the prisons or whatever, went on to be a magician or something. Were you any good at magic? Yeah. Because the most important thing you need is hand-eye coordination and a really good slice of hand. Yeah, it's slow of hand, but it was like they're good. Everyone knew the tricks.

Is this your card? It's one of them on the floor, that's it. Yeah, no, I couldn't pull. I was out of your dad. Put that fucking ass in the bin. No, that's in this fucking house. I used to do it when we go on holiday. So me and Powell and Powell's family all went to Portugal,

and there was this restaurant that we went to every night. And I did so many magic tricks for the waiters that they offered me a job. I was 15. What was the job? Magician. Like, do you want to come down to do magic in the summers? Yeah, they weren't like blown away.

Like, do you want to be the CEO? I have a restaurant. This is a Fortune 500. But I always used to carry... Restaurants have CEOs, aren't he? Who's our CEO? Us? But isn't they meant to be one CEO?

No, we need to hire a CEO. Bags you to CEO. Okay, I'm the CFO. What are you? C-O-O. K-P. Kevin Peterson. I'm Kevin Peterson.

Talking about thick sportsmen. Yeah, he's daft. Yeah, I used to carry a pack of cards everywhere. Just to impress ladies. Did it work? Have you done magic tricks fairly? Or have you retired from the magic game? I don't think I can do them anymore.

I have to practice. Generally, I'm going to a big German party on Saturday. And they've all been told about my magic skills. And I went to Germany last year and couldn't do them. And I kind of disappointed everyone. So I might need to practice it before then. What's the big German party? There's historically been problems with that in the past.

My friend. It's a movement. It's just going Nuremberg. My friend Powell, it's his mum's birthday. So there's about 100 Germans coming over. They're all driving over. Oh, they're coming here? Yeah, in a big gazebo.

They're driving over? Yeah, because if you drive, you can bring all the beer. So, I'm going to get shit-faced. In a big German gazebo. That's classic. Adam, before we started, you talked about sleep, you said, what you have to pretend? What else you have to pretend to do in order to do it?

Yeah, I've seen a thing online. I don't know whether it was a tweet. I think it was a tweet. That sleep is the only thing that you have to pretend to do first for it to happen. like as a person is there anything else you can think that you have to pretend to do well I said pooing

yeah you gotta sit there and go oh I'm pooing and then you do yeah I can't relate to that though I don't pretend at all the second I sit down it's happening

you're pooing same with a wee sometimes what pretend to we sometimes you got to go you're not pretending to we though are you just your plastic plastic jacket

oh brother you have to go I've not weed for a while I'm going to pretend to we to trick my body to wean, only for a couple of seconds. I just think that's part of wean. Like, you literally

lie down in the dark with your eyes closed to, like, to make it happen. You meant to pretend you're full, aren't you? You meant to eat half your food, go, oh, bloody hell, and then, like, in 30 minutes. 80%. You're going to stop at 80%, aren't you? And then 20 minutes later, everybody goes, yeah, you are full, nice one. Otherwise,

you just, like, vomit. What? I don't, I, that's why I keep on, like, 120% to me. I think you've got an allergy, though, and you just refusing to do anything about it. He's shitting all the time. I've got, so the epilepsy meds that I'm on

are like performance enhancing drugs for like eating. Like I don't feel, I don't have the ability to feel full. Like Prada Vili syndrome? Harvey Price. Yeah, like Harvey, I'm like Harvey Price. So like if I eat loads of food, I just eat until I feel sick. And then I just have a bad time for a bit.

Do you think you should just leave a bit of your buddy? I can't help it. there. I like to graze. You just said that you are aware of that process. No, no. That's what you meant to do. I didn't say I did it.

But you're making yourself sick. But I just, it's like, I remember one time I went to a party when I was younger, and I must have been like 12, and I must have eaten about 150 cherries. I honestly,

wouldn't have been able to guess what was coming. My mom's, there's a night fight in the last one. Have you got a bowl of cherries out for the party? Of course, it's 90.

142. There were 150 of them. There were loads right in the middle of World War II. The cherry party. There were loads of cherries

and I just kept on eating them and then eventually my mum's Manichino? Do you play for PSJ? Marky's show never did, though. Yeah, I just kept on eating them and my mum's mate Louise went like,

are you okay? Because I would ask that question after 10. Why? Because there was a big pile of, because it was there for age it was boring, big pile of pips and like stems and my mouth was all red. Oh, you left them in one go?

Yeah, just like, graze. I mean, it was a big long conversation. It wasn't like a, ah, but it was like, I had one. I was like, I'll have another. And I just did it loads. 150s a guesstimate. Like, I wasn't keeping count, but it was a lot. You are insane.

I genuinely can't help it. Like, it's a real. You see cherries. How were you not like dead fat? Um, I was. You have a really skinny kid, though. Like, you're a really skinny kid, though. Like, your driving license, you're like a rake.

Yeah, and then, and then I got on the epilepsy pills, and then I was just, like, eating those. And then I went to America, and I was just grazing food that's, like, injected with butter. So then I got really fat when I started working here. And then I had to, like, I try and offset it. So I don't, there's no snacks in our house because if there's a big bag of crisps, I eat it, only one go.

What he'll do is you'll make himself a really unhealthy drink, but then kick it over. You can't drink. I'm going to make this glass of juice disappear. It's why, like, If we go, sometimes me and Dan will go for food and I'll get a salad, but then if we order hummus,

I'll just eat all of the bread. It's like an issue. It's not that wild, is it, to eat the stuff that you've ordered at a restaurant? Yeah, but if I ordered the, if I ordered anything else, I'd eat all of that as well. Good, that's what you should do?

That's eating in a restaurant. No, but if you eat too much, you get, like, I also over-order, like most people, and then I eat everything and then, like... I know what you mean. I very rarely leave food. Yeah. Also, doctors told me I might have IBS, but I think they're lying. Ah, those lying doctors.

Well, because I keep on, there was a time when we did the karaoke and I had like cheese and I had cramps so bad that I was like screaming. Oh, he was in a pretty much telling her to call an ambulance because he was shitting. I called one one, genuinely. All the time it happened. You know, you know that wasn't just that cheese. You were poorly then. No, it was an allergic reaction to because it happened again. So maybe you got locked up, maybe like Daniel, I don't know what it was because one time we had, I do, you're a cheese, but it wasn't.

Yeah, and he's shitting through the eye of a needle. Like, you, like, you, yeah, when my bobbins was in, that was rough. Like, I delayed the podcast. But, uh, we, we ate, there's, you know, there's little croissants that come in a, in a plastic bag, the pre-made ones. I ate one of them when we were in it,

and then I had to go home. And I called one-one-one. And then they were going to send an ambulance and I called them back of it. I was like, oh, I'm embarrassed. I called one-one. You used to go to the doctor. I was throwing up blood. I did and they said I had IBS

and was like, you're lying. I was thrown up blood. You'll throw up blood for IBS. You will if you keep abusing a body that's got IBS. My body's a temple. It's not. It's a good IBS.

It's not. Your body's a bin. There he went, I've had a really bad belly today. Can I have the really spicy corn ribs, please? And I have the ice cream, 20 minutes later. Yeah?

Yeah, I thought that was rough that. That was on you? There's so many bad decisions made in your, the way these things play out. I just can't. stop eating. I just ease it all of me. And I get spicy.

And then the doctor said, you very ill. And I was like, you fucking liar. Stupid doctors. That was, early came upstairs and I went, I've called 1-1-1.

And she kind of, I could tell that she was trying to give me a bit of sympathy, but she looked at me and was like, you're mad. Yeah, you've called 1-1-1 for a quasson. It's a, it's a lavish move. And they went,

well, we're still going to send an ambulance, we're going to call you in an hour. If you don't pick up an ambulance, will come. And I went, this was at like midnight. This was at midnight. I'm in pain.

Can I have an ambulance, please? And if he's got time, could he go to drive three, four hours on the way? I'll have the squinty nuggets and they're funny, the spicy ones. And yeah,

I had to wait up for an extra hour and just for this phone call to go, don't come. And then I went to bed. Why did you just call them back? I did. And I was like, I called back and I was like,

listen, I'm embarrassed. Like, I probably overreacted there. I just got to be scared. because I was throwing up blood because I'd also thrown up blood like three times like in that way why did you just tell them

I'm going that? That's not an overreaction if you're ever throwing up blood you should seek medical attention but it wasn't like it was all blood I think it was like in the process of throwing up

I've covered this yeah it happens and also I was like stick my fingers down my throat because I needed it out and I don't cut my nails that well I can make you sick that yeah and um

Harry why did you just go yeah I'll go now to the and then they wouldn't call you back what to the... Just I'll take myself for there. You don't need the ambulance, I'll go. No, because they were sending it.

I'd already said, oh, and I'm not... Like, they wouldn't have believed me. You'd call back and you go, I actually don't need that. I did, and they went, we don't believe you. There's one going to come. A doctor's going to call you in an hour, if you're still feeling bad. Or if you don't pick up an ambulance is going to come. So I had to wait up.

They said, we don't believe you. You're getting in the ambulance. Because I went, oh, no, actually, I'm not thrown up blood. And they went, you are, though, because you called up because you're throwing up blood. So you answered the noun later. I went, don't come, but I would send two ambulances. One of them would be an insane asylum one.

Why? Because I was also in, because I was at Ellie's house. Like, a mum was down downstairs. Like, it wasn't in, like, I wasn't in my space. Oh, cool. Cool, guy. It's really like, yeah. Ring an ambulance to your in-laws because you've been sick.

It wasn't because I'd been sick. I was so that run up blood and I panicked. I was in a bad, and I was also, like, wait. What time was it? Like late at night, like 10. Oh, they must have loved you. Harry, if we pay for a check-up, will you go and get one? Like an M-O-T.

Yeah, I really feel like, like, for all the stick we give you, we love you to bits, but it's something that's not right, mate. Like, do you think we should go and get this checked? What, the bleeding, the thrown up blood's eased up. There you don't stop there. Eased up. The bleeding's eased up. I'm all right.

The internal bleeding, it's on its way out. Yes, it's still there, but it's not as bad as it was. If you're bleeding from the inside, it doesn't matter if it's easing up, we need to go and see one. I'm only having one cheeseboard every three days now. would the and the the bloating thing, the stomach like cramps, haven't happened in a while.

Oh yeah, you're fine. So I think it's probably okay. I think it probably stems from eating paint at the art special. All right, that's on us then. It's on Freddie Quinn. If you bring one one, one ago, I love, I've eaten paint. Well, I had to go to the doctor and go,

I've, I've been eating pain. And they went, they went, why do you need paint? I was like, oh, well, I was a human canvas and I didn't really eat it. someone put a dildo of paint in my mouth. And she went... Did you say someone put a dildo of a paint? I showed the photo.

There's a photo of him putting a dildo of paint. Because I was like, listen, I've just got to be honest here. She's got to know what's happened. Can't lie to the doctor. I think you've... Because they're liars. You can't lie to a lie. I think you might become an anecdote of a doctor.

You know when... I'm sure doctors sit around and go, what's the weirdest shit you've seen recently? I'm like, I was sucking off a dildo for the paint. Someone showed me a paint dildo picture. No, but there was an audience. It wasn't like a dirty sex thing. Something like him.

with the dicky belly and the last thing he said was oh yeah they have been eating paint via a dildo should be the first thing you say to a doctor because there might be residual effects on that did you tell them it wasn't just the cheese uh oh no that was a different it was different doctor doesn't your skin never gone back to the way it was no it's bad like if you work for like a private healthcare company if you're out there and you want to do us all uh a full body mott we'll do we'll real for you absolutely my time We're real and we will promote your private healthcare thing as long as you tell us all what's wrong with us.

Yeah, come on, John Booper. Where are you? And if you can specialise in paint dildo injuries, that would be great. Well, because my tattoo keeps on going 3D. Are you having an injury at work? Yeah, I could sue. Who? Big dildo, I don't know. We'll go across that bridge.

But because of that, because of my skin, my tattoo goes 3D sometimes. Like, my body rejects tattoos. Skin has never gone back to the way it was before. Press the button on. Okay. And then everyone's a little worried about Harry. We're getting you a checkup.

Rick. And we are back. We've got some... Cameron says, lads, question for you guys. Who's the most famous person with your first name? Me? Well, no, I mean...

There is the... Yours is... Sandler? One of the most famous Adams. Oh! I thought... Yeah, sorry. Sandler.

I thought you meant full name. Or And Eve. Adam An Eve. He's not real. Adam An Eve. Well, I mean, if you go, who's the most famous Adam ever? Adam.

Adam. From the Garden of Eden. We can have fictional people. His surname's God, in it? Fictional. His surname's God. His name was Adam God.

Must have been. That's your name, is it? He was the first. Adam God to Jesus. His our fellow was literally God. Adam was the son of God. What's God's surname? What all sons?

of God, aren't me? Oh yeah, we are. Isn't God his first name? It's Jones. God Jones. God Jones. It's from... Totally be Adam God, wouldn't he? He didn't have a surname.

They didn't have a surname. They didn't need them. He was only him and his missus, so they didn't need surnames. It's like Madonna. So you have the first surname then? It's a great question. A royal or something? A royal? A person who's in, like, a bit of power.

They just gave... The first surnames were just someone... Your job? You were like, oh, you're... You make shoes? You're shoemaker? that's true in it the earliest record is ancient Mesopotamia where is that on the on the list from like dinosaurs to MEDA

3,000 BC are we encamping or dinosaurs that is referencing a patron exclusive thing that if you're a public listener you're like I don't know what you say and in the UK it wasn't until after the Battle of Hastings 3000 BC

yeah and in the UK it was within this over the last millennia and it was the first one on record is Kusheim Sorry? Cushim. It was Barry Cushim. It was Barry Cushin.

So after the Battle of Hastings, is this the Doomsday book? That's the UK one. I'm going back to Mesopotamian. I'm not having Cushim as the first. No, no, no, no. Oh, Barry. Barry Cushim.

What you mean? I tell you what, since these Normans have taken over, it's getting very, you know what I have you got two names, that was the original Stop the Boats, the Norman conquest. Where's me?

Mesopotamia. History joke. That was a good one by then. Is it like Greece? Yeah, it's that way, in it? I don't know. That way inclined. It's Iraq.

Yeah, the cradle of civilization. The Middle East. Iraq. I think it was a Sandler. I think it's Sandler. Adam and? West. Adam West?

Batman. Adam Sandler's the first. Surely it's the Sandman. Levine. Atriore. Oh, yeah. The Sandman. That's what Adam Sandler calls himself.

Does he? He's just films, put you to kill. Oh, wow, well, nice. Dan. What about Dan? Daniel. Daniel, isn't it? It's Daniel.

Craig? Craig. Day Lewis? I think Craig's more famous. Radcliffe. You think Daniel Craig is more famous than Daniel Day Lewis? Nowadays, yeah. No, he is not.

Radcliffe? He is nowadays. I don't think that's a mental. He is. Maybe 15 years ago. I don't think that's that mental. It's not that mental. was James Bond.

What? He was James Bond, yeah. Daniel Day Lewis has got the most Oscars ever. Is he? Daniel Day Lewis, yeah. Well, we don't know. That fact, that's our one favorite is. Maybe best actor, not the most Oscars ever.

Yeah, he's got three for best actor. Yeah, yeah, but there's other people more Oscars. Daniel. Poutter. Beddingfield. It's Beddingfield, in it. Is it Radcliffe? The Vito.

Wow. Why should I'm having the most common name? Why do you mean the most famous of Daniel? That's quite impressive, isn't it? Finn. Mine's a bit more difficult than it. It might be you. Finn Baller.

Who? There's a wrestler, isn't he? There was a Finley. It was Finley. Finley as well, yeah. Finley Quay. It is Finley Quay in it. That's annoying.

Banger's. It's Karl Marx. I know it's a different spelling. I'd say it's Marxier. Largerfeld? Cox. I don't know who that is. Even Eden's fashion?

You don't know who Carl Lagerfeld is? Can't? Ian's a fashion. You don't know who Carl Lagerfeld is. What does he make? He's a fashion designer. So? I don't know them all.

Christ, you need to get more involved in your trade. Oh, I just like certain clothes. I don't need to learn about everyone. I don't know who Gucci is either. You just said his name? I don't know who he is. If he was in this room, I wouldn't know. John Gucci?

The King of New York. What's Gucci's first name? Wasn't it a woman? It's a family, isn't it? Big Val Gucci. Is Big Val of the name, or is it Big Val? Bival. What is it?

BVee. It's Gucci O'Goo. Gucci. Like Neville, Neville. With the first one, it's spelled like Gooch. Sorry, Gucci's name was Gucci O'Gucci. Yeah, Guccio, Giovanna Bastita, Giancanto,

Dario Maria Gucci. Oh, she's like a Brazilian footballer. Hey. Oh, hey! What else you call you brand? Hey, hey. I'm a male fashion designer. If your name's Gucci-O-Gucci, you're going to call you brand Gucci, aren't you? You get her? When I say I'm into clothes, I just know what I like the look of.

I don't know who fucking made it, be arsed. There's a couple of fellas I know. Yeah. Go on. Alessandro Squalazzi. Do you play for Arsenal? No.

He didn't, Scalachi? I think he won Italy the World Cup in Night. Alessandro Squalati is Italian. Oh no, he didn't. They didn't win it. They lost in the semis.

Makes clothes. Sorry. Did you just notice I had one of his jackets on the other day and took a pitch job and then sent it to him? Did you just clear up that Antonio Scalachi

was Italian? Alessandro Squalati. Oh, Oh, Alisandmo Scuilazzi. Where's he from here? Mesopotamia? Iraq. Mine's Marx, in it?

He's the man who needs the Marxman? George Azde? Oh, sorry, we're still doing the fashion designers. Who's George? No, George Azda's not a person. Is he not? No. It must be named after a George.

No. Your name's Harry? No, no, I thought we were still doing fashion designers. I was upset the eyes. You've got to be the man for me. Yeah, Prince. What? Prince.

Oh, Prince Harry. I think you meant Prince I don't you meant Prince Is this our first conversation? Harry Krishna Harry Potter Harry Krishna's not a person That's a religion

Does that I like Larva? No, it was a person Was it? Harry Krishna was a person Wasn't it? Harry Potter? Surely? What?

Again, do we do we do real people? He had thought Adam from Adam and Eve before. He said, oh, Stiles. He's probably Harry Stiles. He's a sexy man in. Harry Starr's probably, yeah. Forever though.

Ever, though. I think he's the most famous family ever. I think we've got to go off now, right now. Steve Jobs. I'm not having Carl Marx. I think Carl Marks is still famous now. Yeah, they suppose you. There's students everywhere.

Tom Heath says, would you rather, every time you use sauce, it comes out the exact amount you need, or when you throw something in the bin, it always goes in. Well, every time I throw something in the bin, it goes in anyway. Wow, that is. It's just a lie.

I'm just going to fuck it. Hang on, there we go. Action cam. I'm so satisfying that. I'm so glad you didn't get that in. Who's got a problem with sauce, like volume? It's not a problem. This guy's using glass bottles, isn't he?

Oh. He's using glass bottles of Tommy K. And also it's not even like doing too much, he's doing too little and then having to go back. And that's what I do. Surely everyone builds up on source. Do you know what you do? If you're using a glass bottle,

bottle, you don't empty it onto the thick. Like, let's say you try to put tomato sauce on a burger. Don't put it from the bottle to the burger. Put the sauce on the plate, get a spoon. Spread it. With a knife. The glass bottle Heinz Toma. You're all right. Did you get a drink, Josh?

Yeah. I thought that was spray me. I was like, it's here. We're talking about bottles. I'll make the sound of one. I've never bought a glass bottle of Tommy Kate. But people love it. People think it makes it taste better.

It probably does. How? What? It's not microplastics in. A bottle of Coke in glass tastes better. True. It's true. It is true, isn't it?

Steve just passed me a document that apparently, if you hit the 57 on the bottle of ketchup, it comes out perfectly. You what? Oh, well? So. On the high end, it's got 57, hasn't it? Apparently, if you hit it there,

comes out perfectly. That's the G-spot. And Steve would know. he's an absolute ketchup lizard. Oh, you are a bad ketchup lizard. Like, I'm an idiot. I'll have the chicken madrasse, please, mate, with a ketchup pot.

Literally, because I mix me sauces as well. So if I had a beer, you might be wasting him. I've seen you when none those. He mixes ketchup with like a medium petty sauce and then a honey sometimes. Yeah, put like four sources together

and none those. I made Carl Gaggin'an those. He's making his own super sauce. Exactly, and it tastes great. You're doing it in a place that has nine, ten sauces available. Why can't they get it right? What do you think sauce is, man?

Source is just a mixture of ingredients. If I made you dinner and put, well, I've mixed mayonnaise with petty sauce, ketchup and honey, you'd be like, oh yeah, you'd be like, I'd try it yet,

all things that would maybe work together. It looks like poo. Why? It looks like poo. You need to go to the doctor's with Harry. Like, that's what your poo looks like. It looks like honey and ketchup together.

His plate looks like he's rubbed his ass on it. It looks like a runny poo. It is slightly annoying to watch. It's disgusting. I'm weird with food and I watch you do it and it's a bit mesmerising. But that's a lot of watching you exist. That's all sauces though.

But then he mixes his Coke with his fanta. You're just trying to be quirky, man. No, that's because they... But that's good stuff though. It's mezzo mixing it. That's a bad example because that's pretty fun. You go and get everything and see what happens. What's wrong with that?

And Steve, you just said Steve puts him a dress on. What's wrong with that then? What's wrong with what? Putting ketchup on my dress. why is that an issue then it isn't well you said they it is a bit

madrasas already got tomatoes in you're a saucy fascist you am I a saucy fascist or a fascist with sauce I'll take it either early a fascist with sauce next question then I'd go for the sauce by the way over the bin

I'm going for the bin oh no being able to throw something in the bin every time I use sauce way more than I use sauce way more than I throw stuff in the bin. Yeah, but you'd throw stuff in the bin way more if you knew every time. If you were walking down the street with the bin, you're like an empty bottle.

What happens if there's no bin in the room? Then it goes up and then flies off to the next bin. Is it like a superpower? I think you have to be able to see the bin. Yeah, this is going to be impressive, though, in it? Where you're like, Finn's got a great party trick. He puts the bin at the end of the garden, and he keeps getting it in.

If you were out in the street and you could see a bin like 200 yards away, and you were out with some girl, and she was like, I'm finished with me diet coke. You could be like, watch this, girls. And that's how you meet... 100 yards. That's how you meet a wife. Because a keeper is the kind of girl like,

oh my God, he threw about 150 yards. Women are impressed by any scale. That is quite impressive. Yeah. It is. And if you want... Women want competent partners. If you can just get shit done,

they're just froth. That's so good. Again, sometimes you forget that you're speaking to. I love guru. Are you finished with your sausage dinner? 140 yards. Oh, Adam, I was still hungry, but now I'm frothing. By the way, if you walk another over on a date and she's got a sausage dinner tray.

Oh, wow. He's a confident woman. Frothing. The way my sausage dinner back of that bin get to us. Your pussy's frothing, love. Yeah, don't worry. I went to her doctors about it, but they were lying. fucking liars, the NHS, liars.

I asked for their advice then, called them liars. Why would a woman go to the doctors about their froth and pussy? It's actually bubbling, is it? Why? It's actually bubbling. Frothing. Now, listen, I don't want to have to get down in the mutt with you.

We all like a wet pum-pum, but if it's bubbling, something's not too good, is it? Bubbling's just the... It's a chemical reaction. Something's gone wrong, essentially. A froth. They're like a white substance frothing. Phone party in Turkey.

Oh, do you know, like when, like, if you're in, like, a fancy place and, like, the... Sometimes water alone, froths, doesn't it? Yeah. Because it hits the sink at a certain speed. Like, a rabbit dog's mouth. That was too far. Jesus.

Like, sometimes water just hits the basin and frots a bit. I don't know, man. Frothing, to me, is like a move and active... Yeah. No, to me, it's like it's... It can't get out quick enough. Like the bottom of Niagara Falls. That frothed.

Exactly. That's not a careful reaction. That's just splashing water, man. She needs to keep hydrated. This girl. Niagara Falls down there. Watch me throw this. Fuck off.

Let's do some confessions. You do many partry. It's a lot. Not everywhere it goes in the bin. I'm like, one. Three socks in the four posthum. Confessions.

Yes. Oh, just to play that jingle again. Confessions. Right, here you go. There's the... Gavle. Gabble? Gable. Gobble. Gables.

Gervils. Gervils. The gerbils. Anonymous. Went on a date last year with a lady. It was fine. Date went okay. Date went okay.

And we ended up sleeping together. Flex. She was frothing at the pussy. No. We ended up sleeping together. I wasn't that interested and she seemed pretty keen so after a while

I decided to just put an end to it. I texted her and said I was imminently moving to Australia so I won't be able to see her again. Problem is, I was in Tesco the other day and spotted her, quickly ducked down another rile and thought I'd got away with it.

Then half an hour later got a text saying, Australia, I haven't replied, what do I say and what is my Jumain Penance? Send her voice note back in an Australian accent. Just say I haven't gone yet.

Or that you've come back. Yeah? Oh, Mike. My dates did. How long are you out there? You're out there a week and you picked all the action. Do you say I've not gone yet? How long?

When did he say this was? What do you mean? When did he say he went on the date? He went on a date last year. Yeah. He could be back? Yeah, I'm back. Yeah?

I'm fucking back, Mike. Come to see the old parents, you know? That's just the salary. You've been, by the way, the Ozzy accent. All right. Hello. your little wanger. There's too many sausages.

I think what is, why have you pressed the nuclear button and said, I'm moving to Australia? You've put yourself in so much unnecessary

like drama. Like, she's not mental. You can just be like, oh, I'm not really feeling it. Or surely there's a better way to just...

If she's in Cecil, go, yeah, the ducking downs where he's fucked up there. Because that looks... You could have just owned it. You could have just gone up to it and gone, oh, mate.

You could have owned it, but still gone along with the Australia lie. Yeah? Oh, right, yeah, yeah. I'm back. For you? No, because he's... Oh, you're back for me. Sorry, love.

I like a frothing pussy. And yours is normal. Sorry, I had to bring my mom home some Australian chocolate. So I came to deliver that, and I thought, ah, two beds, one stone. I'll stick around for a while. Want to fuck again? Home I know. You put yourself back on the weeds there

with the last sentence. We have Australian listeners who are bleeding from the ears right now. Hello! Australian talking about. You're like a fucking parrot. An Australian parroth, though. Or you could just go...

Yeah, you're right, Adam. Gotta give you that. When you see, you go, you said you were moving to Australia. Gaslighter immediately. I said Austria. What? Just shit yourself.

Like what her issue is, yeah. I'm back from Australia for a bit. People go to Australia and they visit home again. She sounds mental. Also, did she just text them saying Australia? Question mark, just say, yes, back? Yes, back. If she went...

Yes. Australia, go, yeah? What's she asking? Well, she's annoyed that he lied to her. You're back again, are you? Why does he say he's got a twin? Yeah. More lies.

I've got a twin. Just keep like. also do pirates have accents whatever they copy it's just mimicking isn't it pigeon with that arm you know what I think's mad does some dogs that speak Spanish

yeah isn't that mad I thought that the other day no there's dogs that understand Spanish that's what I mean like I can go off and go sit and you go send out and you go send out

something like oh that is safe oh so you know when you see the reels and it's like pretending to say pretending to be on a phone call and saying my dog's favorite words

yeah yeah and so then we're gonna you know go and see grandma and the dog's like, what? Yeah. You can do a Spanish first note and be like, yeah,

then we get ta vets. And abuela. Yeah, yeah, but just to be clear, because dogs love beer. The dog, like,

when, like I've taught Remy, sit. He doesn't now know it in every language. He just knows sit. I knew that, yeah,

he doesn't know sent house. So you couldn't say like grandma in Spanish and the dog who knows grandma would know

what that is. Yeah, but the Spanish dog knows grandma in Spanish. Yeah. If they've taught it, yeah.

Right. Well, there are some people that adopt dogs and then find out by accident that the dog's Polish. The dog's not listening to me and then, like, they'll be Polish on the telly and the dog responds to it, yeah. Dog goes, hey up. Talks me like this.

Starts doing the driveway. I've got Ferrari shoes on, dead fast. They're whip it. Why? genuinely, Ferrari, Puma shoes make me think of Eastern Europe. That's because they are. Every damn. It's, uh,

When I've seen people adopt dogs and then they sort of work out what the dog's been called, they didn't know what the dog's name was. And then they just go through a list of names and wait for the dog to go. It's a pretty long list. But what if the dogs just picking a new name? Sorry. You've seen people adopt dogs and then go... I've seen a real.

I've seen one real. And then not go, right, let's give this dog a new name and teach it very quickly, which it will pick up. Yeah, they give it the new name. Yeah. but then some, they say they all name by accident. Barri. It responds. Barri.

Barri the dog. Barri, Cochene. Barry dogs. Barry dogs. It works if it's not Polish. This is from an anonymous... Jesus. An anonymous lady.

Hi, boys. I've got a confession for you. I'm sick of my husband not doing the washing. I ask him to put a wash on, and I'm convinced he feigns ignorance. One time he asked how the washing machine worked. We've had that machine. for three years.

So for the past few months, any clothes he's left on the floor and not put in the wash. Put them in the bloody wash. Put them in the wush. This is South Africa. Put it in the wush. I've stolen the odd item

and put them in the bin bag for the charity shop. So I've stolen the odd item and put them in the bin bag for the charity shop. One sock here, a pair of pants there. I almost got caught

doing it to his jeans. I thought this would make him pay more attention. But all it's meant is that I'm washing odd pairs of socks and overworn pants with holes in. Do I deserve penance? Yeah, you're a knobbeth.

You also sound like his mum. I think all women who have to wash their partners underpants feel like their mum at some point. Harry, did you write this in? No, but I mean, Ellie washes me pants, like. And it doesn't feel like she's your mum. No. Why do they feel like she's my mum?

My mum hasn't washed me fucking undies for years. She feels more like my dad. Does she feel like your Chinese lundra? And I like it. I feel like you're done. I mean, it's quite, it's good. I wash her pants.

Like, no, I bet you don't. You wash her pants. How often do you put a wash on? Less than her. Go on. How often?

It's her domain, and when you say put a wash on, do you? Whoa. Oh, here we go. Her domain. Harry. It's 2026, May. You're not asking a striker to play left back?

Whoa. Except in that charity match at the weekends. She can play everywhere? Exactly. She's fantastic. I'm not. So I'm good at hanging. I'm great at the pace. You put it in. It's not, but he's not saying it. I'm in a very similar situation.

Don't take this from these fucking assholes, right? Thank you. It's not that because Ellie's a woman, she has to do the washing up. It's that you're a man and you earn more and you won't do it and make her do it because she's a woman and she's domesticated. I'm not making her do anything.

You can take it to the laundress if you want. There you go. God, you're a feminist, really. I'm not making you do the washing. I'm making you putting in a bag and take it somewhere else. No, I know the woman will do it. I don't care what woman does it.

Listen, I'm on your side, love. I don't care which woman does it. Find one. If it has to be a Romanian, sound. I'd rather you did it, but other women can be brought in. Hey, see this day? I'm not doing it, me. It's 2026. I'm a left bag, you're a striker, something like that.

Jogga. We will drown in underpants. If I told Alex, you're not allowed to do my washing anymore, she'd be gutted. She loves it. Look at a little face. You just see a little face when she's hanging it up. Yay!

She loves it. I'm not taking this off you. Many Christmas. I'm so glad she's met you. What was she doing before that? She was wandering around Liverpool like God. If only I had some underpants to work. wash. Should we have a

girl's night? Because I just want to chat about the lack of purpose in our life. Harry didn't laugh there by the way. I was like, where's the joke? But like whenever I do the washing, I clean her pants. I'm kind of a joort and that. It's fine. Does she put the machine

you press play or do you empty the washing basket and put her clothes on? It's not the second one. What are the two options again? So maybe she's gone, Harry, will he press play on the washing machine for me? No, I empty the It's just in colours, isn't it? Blacks and then and then the others.

Are they doing that you washing? No. No, no, no, no, no. You don't watch blacks and then everything else to get it. You wash whites. The blacks go in with... And we're talking about washing machines. The blacks stay with the blacks,

the whites and the others can go wherever they fucking want things out. If you've only just started... Let's not do that South African voice. Yeah, but like, I don't see the... How many times in your house have you? done the washing? Uh, 10.

That was a lie as well. That was a low, lie. That was such a low. It's no more than five, is it? It's, Ellie has an half day on Monday. That's like the washing day, I think.

Oh my God. But I do other stuff around the house. I like I say, I'm great hanging. You go to laundrette. I know. I do, yeah. I don't make it, I don't, in no way that she touched my washing.

Right. But he's like on a half day. She does me washing. Do you have separate wash baskets? Essentially, yeah. Yeah, damn right. There's one for the towels and the bed and there's one for theirs and there's one for theirs.

But what we're forgetting is that when Ellie, who works pretty hard full time... She gets a half day down. She gets a half day and she's like, oh God, I have got any underpants to wash, what am I going to do with this half day? Thank God I've got a pile of fucking underpants with curry stains on them.

That isn't Cuddy. She would come out, catch up and curry. No, on that half day, if you went, there's no washing, I've done it. She would suck your cock. off it's injures. Well, so we had a bit of an issue where I said, I'm going to go tied upstairs. And she came up

and she was like, oh my God, she did new, she was going to like, oh, I'll have a bit of a kiss. Like I'm so Bose and he's a new man. He came, she came up, I was playing Rocket League. Oh. You do that one time and no more times. Genuinely, I read the dressing room and then forgot what I

said I was doing. I was like, oh, is this it? Like it wasn't, I'd done it with malice. And I had to sit down and go, I've not done this on purpose. I promise you. But this is just how it's ended up. And I, and I'll make it up to you. You know for a fact that at some point, Ellie's gone, babe, can you do this thing? And Harry's disappeared into the house. And then 20 minutes later, she's come to find him watching a Facebook video. Yeah. Because someone sent you a message and then you've ended up in a loop. She'd get, honestly, well, like, yesterday, I called and I was like, where's me bag?

You've been in my bag. You must have taken me back to work. I came into work. And she's not your mum. Where's my bag? I came into work. Well, she took the car. I was like, you must have taken me back to work.

And I, and I came into work and I brought all of, all of my belongings. I carried just in my armist. He didn't want to use a plastic bag. He said it look way worse, carrying a plastic bag on the train. Carrying,

carrying my laptop, a charger at a man of the match award for the Patreon. He must look so autistic on the train. My flea flavor of things in the world. I'm going to work. and I'd called Ellie and she came back and my bag was just behind the door.

I'd open the door onto it. So I think she realises that the bar's cripplingly like. By the way, just to be absolutely clear, I do anything I'm asked to do. So if Alex is like, hey, while I'm out today, you put a wash on and get off, empty the DGU. I think that's also an issue with women. Because we have to be asked.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, I've said to her. That's an issue with me. Yeah, I don't think like that. I don't think like that. I'm not I'm sure it's a problem

and it's regressive and all and you know It feels nice, doesn't it? If it's a problem for Alex then I understand then she can leave and that's fine

There you go Threatening a future You don't have to stay Oh listen love of Christ You don't have to do anything You don't want to do You've got the vote What more do you want

She can have whatever she wants You can do the washing Or leave No It's not that She can do the washing Or leave or not do the Washington State.

She can have whatever life she wants. Any options, love. What fourth option can I possibly put in there? You'll do it? No. There's just to clear it up. She's not a hostage,

but I'm doing fuck all. But I'm just say, like, I hate that I have to ask you to do things. I'm like, I don't engage my brain the way you do. When I come home and go, I'm going to do that. I try.

Every now and again, I catch myself and go, like, do that. But it isn't a, instinct. It is not instinctive in my brain. It's not a bit of competition. Like when Laura's been away

or she's out, I want her to come back and go, honestly, if Alex has been away for a weekend and I know I've been in and the house is my responsibility for when she gets back,

I book a cleaner to come and do the whole way. No, I fucking love you. You've been away and you deserve to come back to a nice house so I get another woman to come in.

What I do is, I genuinely say like she's back at Monday, like Monday at me. midday. I live like a caveman until 10 o'clock Monday morning. Like, just unnecessarily messy. Like, I'll just throw a towel down the stairs because I can't. And then I'll go, I'll blitz the house and go, yes.

That's important that that is in your head for that. Yeah. For her coming back. Yeah. And he's going on a cruise in October and I'm worried for, I don't know what I'm going to do. Harry, move. Move for two weeks. leave the house, get it tidy and don't go in her.

Just literally book a cleaning for like the day before she, or no, the day she gets back. Because you could fuck it up in 24 hours, but like, yeah, the day she's coming back, let's say she's getting back in the afternoon, that morning, just pay someone to come and do it nice. It'll cost you about 40 quid. Would she care if she noticed?

Because she would notice. That a cleaner has done it, yeah. No, I think as long as it was tight, I think the act of me doing it, she'd appreciate more. Yeah. But it's like, I just forget, like, I'm good with the dishes.

I'll do the dishes without being asked. But, like, I don't even eat when she's not in the house. Like a dog. I thought you said you ate loads in the first section. Yeah, when the food's there. But there's no food. So she just don't buy food? She is your mom?

No, no, no, no. We do the shop together. Yeah, but you'd starve without her. Yeah. And she washes your pants? One, it's like, it's like, for lunch. Like, I'll cook food sometimes, but it's like, oh, it's the act of eating together.

really. How long's she going away for? I'm worried you're going to die two weeks. Two weeks. Yeah. She's going to the Caribbean. You were in trouble.

You couldn't fuck that house up, you know. That house is in danger. And I won't eat for two weeks. You will eat for two weeks. Well, I'll eat, I mean, like, if I ever work from home, I'll eat takeaways and that. Yeah.

There's nothing wrong with that. It is really, like, it's expensive, in it? Yeah, two weeks worth of takeaways. And then also then I don't put the rubbish in the bin. Just bag of takeaway from them. Yeah, just get ready meals.

You can deal with. ready meals. I'll teach you out to cook if you want. There you go. I mean, if we could do a cooking class, like, is this like when you offered to me to lend your car for a bit? I offered to lend you my car.

Yeah. Did I? On pod once. I would like to retract that. Yeah, that's a mental way. There'll be a sour bite of it somewhere. We'll have a break. Enjoy Nick Helm. Ladies and gentlemen,

the long-awaited return of Nickel. Ooh. Hello. Mix here. We've all just had a good lunch. I've got a story from lunch that I just have to tell you

immediately. I was walking through town. I went and got my Mrs. gift because she's been very good recently. Was she in the washing. I was a teetal. I was on my way

to get myself some noodles from the itchy noodle noodle bar. What was the gift there? It was a sundress from Oliver Boners. But that's? Boners. Ladies love

Oliver's Boners. And there was a guy who was walking past me and he had a cap on and sunglasses and then he took his sunglasses down and had a quick look and then we locked eyes for about four seconds

and then he put them back on and kept walking and I'm telling you right now it was Michael Jackson. It was the Michael Jackson. Like, what are you looking for? Michael Jackson.

He isn't he had that? Well, there's loads of rumours that he like two-packed himself, isn't it? And like he's not actually dead. So you think he's on church, Rick? I think he's the least incognito human who's ever existed.

What you mean? I think it's him. He used to have loads of disguises, didn't he? He's done something with his hair like. He was a master of disguise. Acon's talked about that. Like a pilot.

No, like he used to go to the cinema and like a mustache and like a hat and be like, hmm. And everyone in my name was, that's Michael Jackson with a mustache. Yeah, I would instantly know that. He keeps going, I'm telling you, I just knew.

You know, when you just lock eyes with someone, you know who they are. So what did you do? I just kept walking. You made to bust this case open while here. It's like he looked at me as if to say, don't tell anyone. What era of Michael Jackson?

No. Like, couldn't. Currents here in my kitchen. Now, wouldn't it? He was... So, what, a skeleton? He's not dead. Did he have the thriller, red leather?

No, he had like a, like a washed out camouflage, like black and white. Oh, he is trying to hide, in it, yeah. He had a Yankees cap on, like a tall... This one, but Yankees. That's from America as well. Yeah. Where he's from.

Yeah. But I'm... That's a... I knew you just wouldn't believe me. No, this is a genuine Michael Jackson disguised that he used when he was alive. Oh, the atties cut on? Yeah.

That's the ass he's just had on. Oh, right. Yeah, well. And I've never seen anyone with that hat on in my entire life. Nobody. What is that? What's that standing for? Oh, it's the uncle. That's really good hiding as an ill, Bert Reynolds. It's really smart.

Do you believe him, Nick? Well, it might be like a fan that's on the way to the cinema to watch the Michael Jackson. Oh, is it cosplay? No, listen. Boys, I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I'm not telling you, I've just seen someone who looks like Michael Jackson. You've just seen Michael Jackson. I'm telling you, I've just seen a man trying his absolute best not to look like Michael Jackson.

Okay, so what made you think it was Michael Jackson then? It's like he spoke to me. What did he say? Don't tell anyone. But I'm Michael Jackson. Yeah. And then he moon walked off. And your first thought is,

that man's mentally ill. That must be Michael Jackson. He didn't say it. He said it with his eyes. Oh, so you're mentally ill. Officer, he said it with his eyes. Believe me. I'm not reporting him to the police,

am I? He's probably going to Zaharra or something. I don't know where he's going, you know? What would you report him to the police for? He's just said, like, officer. It's against the law to fake your death. Do you want this to happen in me not to come and tell you?

Is that what you want? He wants to keep this to myself. Michael Jackson's alive and well, and he's on his way to Zada in Liverpool One. That's illegal. Against the law. Honest, faking your death is against the law. Is it?

Yeah. The canoe guy. Do you don't remember the canoe guy? Yeah. Years and years and years. That was eight. Have you even born then? King Cano?

I think it was like 2008. It was an issue. What if you don't fake you death though? You don't remember the story? He went canoe in and then he died. And then his wife claimed loads of money on insurance. and then he was just living upstairs in the attic. Yeah.

John Darwin, faked his death in 2002 to claim 250,000 pounds. Where are you alive? Well, no, he did it in 2002, but he wasn't discovered for years. Well, he got a very obvious benefit from faking his death. He's been done for fraud, essentially, hasn't he? What benefits has Michael Jackson got from being had?

Peace and quiet. Hated the fame? Yeah. That's the benefit. But what if he just got off? And then they were like, right, he's missing. We're just going to tell everyone he's dead. And he hasn't failed.

that someone else has. He just got off. He got off and the world mourned them and he went, I'm going to say nothing. Because he was probably like, do you know what? I haven't said anything. I don't have to connect. He's the most famous man who's ever lived, I'd say.

That's why I recognise him. So I'd say whatever he goes, everyone's trying to go. I didn't recognise him until he took his glasses off though. He'd have to be mute as well. And he looked at you. He took his glasses off and he looked at you. He took his glasses off

and it's like he was like, where's Zara? And then he just, like, we locked. Like, can I have your glasses a minute? Not really. He's got glasses on, right? Oh, yeah, right. I can see. And then he took them off.

He looks like he's spiked. Where's that? He was going, he was mumbling where Zara? Four seconds. Oh, no, that is a bit that you left out. Did he do the shush? I can't remember. Four seconds is a long time,

yeah. I was, like, on my way here, I was, walking down past the shopping centre thing. Yeah. And this, there was like this kid that was like walking towards me and he was looking to, you know, like directly at me.

Yeah. You were saying help me from Michael Jackson. I was like looking at him like going like, what's he looking at? And then we got close to it today. He wasn't actually looking at me. So it's like a good news, bad news day,

isn't it? But that could have been Michael Jackson. Yeah, I think it was as well. Yeah. He's just walking around Liverpool, like, eyeballing people. Isn't it mad that I'm not messing? It is mad that you're not messing, yeah, because we know it wasn't Michael Jackson and you don't.

But you don't, though, do you? How can you possibly know? Imagine if it comes out in the news tonight, Michael Jackson's found alive and well. In Zara, Liverpool. Wouldn't he be in his 60s? Wouldn't he be in his 60s now? Yeah, maybe like 67, I reckon. Yeah, did he?

But it's difficult to tell because he's had some plastic surgery, isn't he? You can't have plastic surgery of your bones And the haircut Yeah but your bones No, he's still be frail, wouldn't he? He's quite frail when he was alive Have you seen John Travolta though? Have you seen John Travolta?

He's younger than John Travolta And he's fine That's true He looks younger than he ever has There's a man on the pet tides If I've ever seen one It's just this though isn't it He's probably still fall into bits

He's just got a new head Have you seen John Travolta's new head, Nick? No He's had a new head He's got a new head Which, I mean, he, is he bald? Yeah. He looks much better when he's bald.

He started, he started wearing a beret now. Oh, no. Because he's, he's just directed his first film. Yeah, he's just directed his first film, which looks fucking insane, by the way. I don't know if you've seen the trailer for it. He's 78. And he said he's committing to the bit of being a director.

Okay. He's method acting being a director. Did you, did you see his film? The fanatic? The fanatic. now directed by fred durst did you not see that no it's uh it's like he's playing like dronjolter he's got like this haircut like this but like a mullet and he's uh he's a fanatic he's a fan of this uh actor uh and the actor is played by devon sauer who played stan in the stan video

and uh so he's like like so it's like meta yeah because he was a fan yeah and now he's been cast in this And John Ford is playing a guy with learning difficulties called Moose, right? Where's this film? This is a, this is Freddust film, right? It's amazing, right? And he plays this character called Moose. And his first line is he goes into like a film memorabilia shop and he goes, I need to go poo.

Right? I'm not making up, right? I'm not making it up. And there's a bit in the film where Devin Sarah's in a car. It's directed by Fred Durst, right? And Devin Severs in a car with his kid and they're driving around. And he goes, he turns to his kid and goes, have you ever listened to the band Limp Biscuit?

And then they put Limp Biscuit on. He goes, they're great, right? And then they drive around listening to Limp Biscuit for a minute. Wow. A whole minute. Right. Right now, if you had to guess one of us is telling the truth. Yeah.

And one of us is lying. Nick's telling the truth It's amazing It's amazing Like it's you know It's like It's a hard watch But it's amazing

How old So bad that it's good to watch It's just like Is this deliberate Why is John Travolta doing it What was Fred Dirste Thinking? Is he old in it?

Like we say it again Is John Travolta Is it recent? Yeah 2019 Yeah He's old He's old

He's an old guy Oh yeah It's mad It's fucking mad You just think, why have you done this? But, you know, it's probably not his worst film in the last seven years. He's like cranking him out, and he? He's doing like...

He's Scientology, isn't he? Yeah. And he's got an airport instead of a back garden. Then he's trying to play in his garden. Basically, kind of what I meant, yeah. You can't take off from his house. No, he... Didn't he let one of his...

I think he can. Yeah, he can. Yeah, that's the whole point of a plane at the back garden. He's just like, look at and sit in. No, I think it's a working play. It's a pilot, isn't he? Yeah. At one point, I think he had one,

and this is all alleged, I don't know this for sure, but I heard her. His son. Yeah, his son was ill. And, like, they were like, right, so if we just give him this medicine, he'd be all right. I don't see him all the thing. And they were like, how our religion doesn't allow,

that just blow his head off. So they're just ending his suffering. You get an headache. I'd be proven. No, blows head off. Feels like you've not got all the details of that story, Adam. No, his son was ill. And he refused the,

the treatment. Yeah, but I think to end their suffering, they shot him. No. No. That is of his religion. This is gonna sound like a lie. But John Travolta's son

had Kawasaki disease. He couldn't get off as Moti. One two five Cs of Panasita. Allegedly, right? Allegedly, John Travolta used to have sex with a John Travolta

lookalike. But you just didn't, why didn't you just wank in a mirror? I try that, you know? I think that's good. I'd love Laura to dress up like me. No, it's a man, I imagine. Oh, right. Yeah, that's gay.

It's a man actually dead. It's a man actually dead. Wow, that's mental. I love it, though. Hang on, did he make the guy dress up like him? Or did he find someone that already did the John Travolta bit? I guess you just found that someone that already did the John Travolta a bit. Yeah, that's less happening.

Can we have sex? Can you dress up? Saturday night fever tonight. Can you dress up like Danny Zucco tonight? Saturday night, Pulp Fiction. I like the long hair, you know. Yeah.

Weird little fucker. He's an odd guy. But Adam just said he just met Michael Jackson and L. once or he didn't meet him. We shared a moment. Yeah. Well, that's lovely. And that'll be a memory you'll cherish forever.

It does. It stays with you. I saw Peter Beardley and a little chef. And that stuck with me. But he's alive. What? He's alive. No, he's not.

He's faked his own death. Which is illegal. I was in a shopping centre in London and I saw one of my mates. So I waved at him. And he waved back. And then I realised it was Dean Gaffney. I've never met him. I don't know him.

Gene Gaffney waves back What are you wave back? Yes, sweet little man Because your brain's gone You know him, wave When it was because it was Robbie Fowler What was his name on East Enders? Not Robbie Fowler was it?

What was his name when he said? Mark Fowler. No, that was his dad How did you know? He was Robbie, wasn't he? I used to watch East Denders. No, Ricky is another one, Ricky!

He had a chairman of Chapparpe called him, Wellard. That's Patrick, in it? No, Patrick Truman. Were they Caribbean? Dean Gaffley's not Caribbean, is he? No.

Dean Gaffney's not Caribbean. But Patrick Truman had Well-Hard. No, he didn't. Robbie Jackson. Robbie Jackson, it all comes together. Have you seen Dean Gaffney? Ah. Can you just check for me

who was the dad of Wellard on? Um, Eastenders. It was him. Or the Fowler's. It wasn't Patrick Truman. Yeah. Dean Gaffney. Thank you.

And then Gus. I don't know who Gus is. I do, Sonia's fella. Hang on. What was Dean Gaffney's name in EastEnders? Robbie Jackson. Oh, it really was? Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah. Yeah. You shaved your beard off, Nick. Yeah, I did. Yeah. What was the thought behind that? Just, I was sick of the abuse. The abuse?

Oh, yeah. You were going to abuse? Yeah. We had a good beard. We're having a long grey beard. Yeah. It was like, oh, fucking, I did, because I was on tour, it's on tour, and I'd come out. And, and where was I?

I was in Harrogate. I call it Horrogate, because I've never had a good gig there. And I came out and there was this couple in the audience. And the guy was furious, right? It was furious. And I was, and I'd literally, I'd only just started talking. so it couldn't have been that, right? And his girlfriend was like clawing at him

and like, why he said, put your phone away? And he had his phone out and all this. And then eventually I just said, stop the show, I said, what's going on? And he goes, why are you so fucking old? And I was like, I don't know, like, when's the last time you saw me? And he said, I ate out of ten cats.

I was like, well, I haven't done that in 10 years. So that's how time works. Do you know what I? He's been watching rerun, of eight out of ten cats and then got angry at you for ageing. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But also, you know, it was an experiment.

I started growing a beard. I mean, this is just like about hair growing at the moment. We do that a lot. Yeah, okay. So I started growing a beard at the beginning of the year and then I was going to do an album cover shoot. And so I was kind of like growing. And then the tour stuff and I was just like,

wow, you show up me. I've never grown a beard for a year. I'll give it a year. and then so I left it long for the for the album shoot and I did that and then I was on tour so I wanted to keep the same look for the tour and that's great and then I had a charity gig at the end of the end I was like I'll shave it off for charity

and so I got on stage and we like made like an extra like for hours like 500 quid for the for the for the beard but my charity it was mine and shelter and but I hadn't charged my clippers so I like shaved half of my beard off and then they ran out.

See, I donate more for a half beard cut. Yeah, right, yeah. Just do the pull. My manscape died the other day while I was shaved me cock. You what? I use a razor by the company Manscape. Or the trimmers are available now that they're not a sponsor anymore.

What, it ran out mid-ball. Basically, my misses a while back was like, listen, I will suck you. off more often if your pubs are kept in line. Sure. I'd been in London for the weekend. How fast did they grow? Right.

I shave them about once a month, once every six weeks, right? I'd been in London for the weekend, right? Before I was going to London, I went for a wee. I looked down at my penis and thought, this is getting to be a bit much. But I don't want to shave them now and then she doesn't get the best day because I'll be in, in London for three days. Right. That's a waste of three days.

I might as well keep them growing. I always think if I shave me balls before I go away, it looks like I'm cheating as well. So I leave them raggedy on holiday. That is such a good point. Why are you pub shaving for a little trip away? I don't. Exactly.

That's another layer to it. So then I got back on Sunday. Yeah. And I went for lunch with my Mrs. and her father. Yeah. And he likes a trim bush. And then, he got off and me, my, my missus was going to work.

And I was like, do you know what? I've missed so much while I've been away. Getting my hair tickled as I fall asleep. And she said, well, you're not having that and a blow job. So which would you want? And I said blow job. And then I made a mental note. So I was like, right, get a shower in a bit.

Have a little shave. then she got back like from work later on and I'd forgot to do it. So she was like, you're having a shower before bed? And I was like, I'm going to get knocked off here. But I need to keep my pubs. So I went,

I'm just going to get a quick one actually before you do. And then I got halfway through doing them. And it died. So I had to get a Gillette and just go like hardwood floored. What you mean, like you go, I mean, not that I want a pitch. but in a way I do I suppose but like what you go like completely like

so my normal if I've got a fully charged electric grazer I use the whizzer with no guard on just like a zero I go I do that on the Mons pubes the bollocks and the side and the leg bit at the side and then I get a Gillette

and I basically make a little island around me penis oh God and go up the penis. Sure. So the base of the penis and the shaft. Yeah, completely hardwood floored. My shaft, I've said as you've thought, my shaft is hardwood.

Yeah, that's because you've got like an infantile penis. What do you mean? My penis is the same age as yours, son. It's not, again, not that I want a picture of this. How hairy is your cock, Adam? It's not hairy enough to be a serious problem, but it's hairy enough that people know there's hairs on it if they have a little rub.

People. There isn't a single hair on my cock. None. Like, should we do like a pole? Go on. How, has everyone else got a hairy cock? No.

Do you have no hairs at all on your shaft? No, not my shaft, no. None. Okay, okay. You do? Yeah. You do? A rogue squiggly.

I, up the shaft. Yeah. Yeah. My bell end has an ass road. that's weird we should do a poll on that if that's my cock no it's not

if it is yeah yeah I'd say as high as here you get like the odd one can I tell you can I tell you where my rogue ones I'm getting a few rogers that is insane I'm telling you they're so it's like it's like the Amazon rainforest

they're fighting for life I have to come about maybe a third of the way up Wow. All right. Okay. It's sort of just like, it's like shrubs near the bottom of a tree. And now that you shave your dick. You can't get his misses off it.

Does it grow back thicker? It's not something I'm keeping like a proper track of. But I suppose it is more than the once was. Right. Yeah. But that might be the ageing process as well. Yeah, totally. Yeah, great.

Do you know when people say, What is it when you can't picture something in your mind's eye? A fantasia. I wish I had it. Because I've seen so much of Adam's dick in my brain there. Finn's mum's got it. Adam's dick in her brain. Yeah.

Afantasia. Who's got it? She watched D&D. Our D&D thing. We've done Dungeons and Dragons as a special. And his mom watched it and hated it because she couldn't understand it. But she hasn't got a mind's eye. She got Afantasia.

So she couldn't understand what was going on because she can't imagine it. Oh, right, yeah. Which must be tough. You ever played Dungeons and Dragons? Um, I mean, I was trying to say, I was trying to be cool and fit in, but no. I think it's cooler to not fit in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you not played it? Um, why? Would you just, would you assume that I had? I feel like you've got like a Dungeons and Dragons vibe. Sorry, Nick, yeah. There's a bit of a, a bit of a D&D vibe coming off here. Yeah, well, um, yeah, I used to watch the cartoon series,

but then it was just sort of like, you know, like those choose your own adventure books, and it's like, turn to page 58 and whatever, but like, yes. We used to make our own ones of them in school. Yeah. Get people to go through the whole book, turns to page nine, turns to page 107,

you go all the way through it, and it'd just be not bad at the end. Sure. Yeah, I just think it's like, I never really understood like, yeah, you roll an eight for stamina, or whatever. It's bad,

you know. We hated it as well. We didn't like it and then we played it and it's good. We all went, went into it as skeptics and it was, I mean, Daniel Sloss led it.

That was amazing. But by the end, you have to be kind of like a, like really on it, like a storyteller. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I do think it sounds good. I just don't have, we went in. Enough friends, I suppose. You can play with this. Well, look, Dan winning as a skeptic. I think Finn,

Finn, as a skeptic, Harry was quite keen. Me and Carl, I think Carl was also skeptic, but like, I was quite aggressively against it. I was saying it was for fat losers, right? That's what I kept saying. Hang on. Can we try that?

You don't like it, Nick? But it was class, and we're about to do a regular series. We're continuing the story we started in episode one for the rest of this year, and they're going out publicly. That starts really quite soon, actually. Right.

But next year, we think we're going to bring in some of our favorite podcasts to be in an episode or, depending on how their character's fate. I think one of our prime candidates would be Nick. I'd love you to play a D&D. Well, yeah, I'm up for playing Dungeons and Dungeons. But like, you know, as a get, what is the commitment? What's the time commitment? It's four hours of drinking. Yeah, but like, and then do you pause the game and then you meet up another week?

No, no, no. So it's not like this long kind of like... You can't? We are doing that. That's what we're doing, yeah. But we'll just kill your character off in four hours. No, but I'm just sort of like asking about it in general. I'm not fully committing to...

Yeah, there's ones that can go on for years, I think. I think it will test your new zenness. You mentioned before, you've got, you found peace. Yeah, I am very peaceful and zen inside. What's happened there? What's happened? Medication. I think you said last time you just, was it ADHD, you'd just been diagnosed.

I got diagnosed bipolar and then I got diagnosed with ADHD. Are you on the Elvant? Yeah. Can I have some? Do you know what? I haven't fucking taken it today. Oh, yeah. But I'm like, so like three Fridays ago, was it three Fridays ago?

Was it three Fridays? I had a gig in Southampton, right? And, but I had to do music in the day. So I went down to Deptford. and it was like it was a long day so I was up at 9 and then I was going to do the gig at like whatever I was on at like 10 in the evening and then I'd get over at like midnight

and it was like fuck so and I got to the studio and I was like I didn't take my fucking alvance right so I was just like right I'm just going to like cane black coffee so I just drank black coffee and then I got to like midway through the day it's like oh I've got some elvents in my bag so I took my elvance

and then I remembered that I had already taken my elvance So I double-dosed on my fuck, which is speed, right? And they literally tell you not to drink too much caffeine and take Alvans. Yeah, and when I got on the train sat, I was chewing my fucking face up, right? And I got on stage, because I was sort of like, because I'm like really Zen, right? I have to manufacture kind of like the energy and anger it. Because I'm quite an angry act. Like on stage, I have to manufacture it.

But when I came out and said, I thought, it's like I'd done eight lines of coke. I was just like, yeah! And there was like children that were scared, but they shouldn't have been there. That's what I was saying. Do you think if your zenness maintains, and the medication keeps keeping you at a Zen, that when you next go on tour,

people might get a Zen Nikhelm act? Well, do you know what? Like, I have, like, this year, because it's like you have kind of like, you know, you've got to decide what's more important. You know what I mean? You've got to weigh up the pros and cons, and basically I'm really happy in my actual real life.

But my comedy is shit. It's terrible for your stand-up, isn't it? Well, it's like my whole act was based on fucking, like, I mean, I know everyone's got ADHD now, but like I literally, like, undiagnosed, didn't know I had ADHD, heard other people who had ADHD, and it was just like, yeah, all right, we've all got problems. And, like, you know, and,

And then they said, you got ADHD, so it started taking the meds and it's kind of like, great, but like I've been trying to find my feet this year, kind of like, how does my at work? And then my last few

gigs have kind of like cracked it a little bit and now I know what I'm doing. But it is quite, it's sad. I'm not like shout at a natural fact to talk really quietly now. But it means that everyone's got to like lean in and listen.

Yeah. But yeah, I was hating, like manufacturing all the anger because I just went too hard. And I suppose you and the audience can sort of smell and that like you're happy? Yeah, I guess so. And then a bit like, we don't believe you ate us all anymore. Well, yeah, but also it turns out that they don't really care about my well-being.

But yeah, I am really happy at the moment, yeah. Be a brutal review of your tour show, wouldn't it? Like, just get him off the med. Yeah. Get him back to fuming. Yeah. Sean Walsh is happy and content in his life and he's still. smashing out the annoyance and the comedy?

Yeah, but his annoyance has never been that his life is shit. It's that life is exhausting to him. And I get, like, the idea of going anywhere, doing anything that's, and he genuinely does feel that way. He's happy. If anything, I think he hates leaving his house more because he's got his kids and his ministers. He's enhanced his sand-up.

And he's now having to leave happiness to go and do stuff that he just fucking loved to not have to do. Yeah. Has it affected the music as well or is that kind of kept consistent? No, it's like, it's like, I mean, because like to plug it, I mean, I'm doing a, I'm finishing. Last time I was on, I was like saying, I'm doing my album. Yeah. And it's like over a year later and I'm still doing my fucking album. And there's like a song that I've, like I wrote, I started writing a song in 2006, right? And I had like a backing track and I've just written like thousands of lyrics for it and nothing was fitting.

So it's like one of those things where every time you go back to the project, you open the drawer and you say, what have I got? And you're like, oh, I finished out of. One song. One song. From 2000. You started it in 2000. Like I got all of the lyrics and it was, it was something like 47 pages of lyrics, right? And you really need like two or three.

Like I've rewritten it over and over again. And I literally, because one of the things about ADHD is that you like forget to, you know, re-prescribe your drive. drugs, right? So then you'll run out and you go, oh yeah, I've run out. So I was never doing it consistently, right? And the same with the bipolar stuff. I was never doing it consistently. But like in the last, in the last, I don't know, six weeks, well, I was doing some filming. I was doing a, I've just filmed a, like an indie film. And I was one of the leads. And so I wanted to lose a bit of weight. So I stopped drinking.

I stopped, you know, smoking weed. Is the calories in weird? No, but I wanted to have a clear head. Oh, right, okay. And then I was taking the, I was taking all of my meds like consistently. And then my brain cleared. And I managed to, like, I've been right,

I've written like five or six songs in the last couple of weeks where I'm just sort of like smashing them out because the deadline for the album is like soon. But, um, have you finished the song from Sue? 2006? Yeah, I finished it.

I finished it like three, four weeks ago. And then I did it at MacFest to just try it out. And it was just like, yep, that's done now. But then on top of that, you know, I woke up singing a song and then I wrote it that day and then that was finished in like two days. You woke up singing a song? Yeah.

Class? Yeah. Well, that's how it works. A song that didn't exist. Yeah. Just woke up and like, better you do, flossie the next. Yeah.

Well, I had a title for a song called I don't deserve you. because it sort of like works on two levels, right? Yeah. Right. And I just woke up. It was like on my pile of kind of like, I could write a poem or I could write a song, you know, it's been floating around.

And then one day I just woke up singing it. And so then I worked out on the guitar and I wrote it. And then I went into the studio and we recorded it. And it's over with, you know, Chris Helm from the Seahorses. Yeah. So he's doing, he's doing guitar on it. Class class. Yeah.

I love him when stand up just dropped. in your head, like almost perfectly formed. Once in a while, you just go, oh shit, yeah, that'd be funny. And you try it and it just, you just have it. And then in the aftermath, you're like, why can't my brain just drop more of those down? Yeah, yeah.

Some bits take ages, there are thought, and then you fuck it up, and then you've got to work it out, and then you've got to do writing for it. And some of that shit, and then you have to tie it up. And then in the end, it's a six out of ten anyway. It wasn't worth the effort. And then occasionally, the universal will just

plop a fully formed fucking brilliant bit in your mind. It works that night. Yeah. And then I feel frustrated afterwards like, just do that more. You're capable of it. Well, no.

I've never woken up doing the bit, though. That would be next level. But it is like a lot of the time it's waiting for lightning to hit you, right? And then, because when I was writing the songs for Uncle, the ones that I, you know, when I did all the songs for the first series of Uncle,

like 2012, or maybe 2013, um, I'd got back from Eddie, And then we were filming it in like October. So I had like September to write all the songs. So me and my girlfriend at the time. We went on holiday in Egypt.

And I basically got food poisoning. So I wrote all the songs for the first series of Uncle on the toilet. I do I wrote one a day. And then I got back from Egypt. And I'd written all the songs. And they were really easy. But there was like two or three songs. on uncle where I couldn't just I couldn't get him right and I went back over and over and over

eating raw chickens to try and speed it off they're the worst ones the ones that you spend loads of time on it like I did a song called he makes you look fat like well that was like one of my first songs that I that I wrote it's about undermining someone's confidence so they go out with you I wouldn't write it now but um but uh so I wrote that I wrote that in five minutes and then that was like I did it on Russell House Good News and it was like it was like a big hit and everyone was like oh you got that song but I like I kind of hate that song do you write with anyone else with you me because I've being a stand-up you're just so in control of your own creative process and it that you live and die by that so if you can't come up with the goods then that's on you but no one else is chipping

in with their opinion on how like I've seen documentaries of bands where certain bands when making an album it takes like years because they're constantly like fiddling with everything and then also you've got the input of every band member are you writing your music stuff on your own you haven't got someone else going what about this or i don't think i've got a producer so i go down to detford and i work with my producer and we've done all of our stuff together so i'll go in with like um some like best case scenario i'll go in with complete lyrics and maybe like a backing track that i've done on garage band And then I'll go, this is the vibe. This is what we're going to do.

And then we'll sit in there for like a couple of weeks. So this album that I'm doing now is like it's a triple album, right? So it's 31 songs, right? And I've been working on 31 songs simultaneously for 10 years. And so over the 10 years I was very depressed, right? So there was like the first album was kind of ready to go ages ago. but then I came out of my depression and I was like, I don't want to release a depressing album now.

So I've had to write another upbeat album and now it's like a double album, right? So it's called Down and Dirty. And so the first album is, because my first album was called Hot and Heavy. And so the first album is down because it's pretty depressing. And the second album is dirty

because there's loads of swearing her. And then there's going to be a bonus. There's a bonus album called, and it's just all of the extra stuff that I didn't fit on the other two albums. But yes, we're working on the more simatitis. So best case scenario, I'll go in with the full song

that I've done all the worst case scenario I'll go in with a fragment of maybe like what I think would be a good chorus, right? And those are the ones that really take ages. And then we'll do like a backing track and we'll like work out like first chorus, first chorus, bridge chorus, right? And then I'll sing the lyrics.

over it and then I'll listen to it over and over and over again and I'll go I really hate that lyric and I'll go in and change it and then when I go up to record the final draft I'll have like alt lyrics and I'll go I'm going to try this one on this one and then I'll turn it over to Andy and I'll go which one do you prefer and it goes I like that one and so then I'll go with the other one because is it is it like you're a musician Finn you've got a band and we've been in the studio with you. Yeah. You obviously live is the thing

that you all want to do really. But is the studio, are there some musicians who ate doing the studio stuff just want to do it live? Are there some musicians that just want to be in the studio? Because you looked like a pigging shit

when we were recording. That was the first time I'd ever been in a proper recording studio. Like my process now is completely different to that because that is. Watch yours like now? What was it before?

So before, but this was when I was what, 21? So I was like, 27. Was it? No, to something around there.

I was much younger and I hadn't really done it. I was from an area that didn't really... So this was about the same time that John Travolta as the fanatic came out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I hadn't really experienced

a recording studio properly. Like I'd been doing cover gigs for years and stuff like that. And then nowadays it has shifted. I've tried different things. I've tried go into my band with finished songs and go in, here's the song.

You can write your own parts, but this is it on an acoustic guitar and gone that way. And then the last EPI did, I worked with a producer who was like, I don't want to know, of your songs from the past i want to work ground up yeah so we we went from that and then kind of made instrumentals called them something it was like that's what the song is so i had a song called

the comeback last year and we wrote the instrumental and then it was called the comeback and it was like you've got to write lyrics to that and a melody that kind of fits that vibe and i kind of it was interesting it was definitely more creatively fulfilling yeah um because it was like pressure of coming up with lyrics kind of on the spot um but yeah it's a it's a mixture between between the two. Don't some bands go away for like two months? Oh, if I had more money, yeah, I'd go to, I'd go away. Rockfield. Yeah, I did a film in Rockfield. So it was about like, I played like a music producer and I was managing a girl band.

And we had to live in Rockfield Studios. And that's where they did Bohemian Rhapsody and Wonderwall and Stone Roses did their album. The label basically, the labels basically go, go and stay there and come back with an album. They were there for two years. Yeah. They were there long enough that Oasis weren't signed, got signed, recorded definitely maybe, released definitely maybe, recorded what's the story, released it,

and then the Stone Rose has put their second album out. And like you're living where you're recording, right? And so it's like really kind of claustrophobic and you're like in each other's pockets, you know, it's like fucking. They're trying to get the Stone Roses to kill each other. So like, yeah, they were there two years during that second. the album and yeah that sounds absolutely fucking mental the film the film was good love spreads but um what was the album second second coming imagine if we ever got us to do an

album then i'd be like we've got to do it in five days can't do it any longer than five days well done i'll be like no come on two years you can give it up for an album i don't give a shit about let's sleep together let's get bug beds i mean i could i can i'd love to do longer but a lot of the time it's expensive it's so expensive and like uh where i work at kent Strait the past few so like cherry and that stuff we recorded that in two days because you haven't got the time you've just got to do it yeah you've just got to get it done well yeah well with the ADHD like yeah yeah I couldn't I couldn't write a song unless I was in the studio and then I'd be in the studio like trying to write this song and so it's been an absolute fucking nightmare but like

over the last whatever six weeks where my brain is sort of exploded um it's like I'm doing demos again like I used to like when I did the uncle songs and when I did my other two albums I would go in with demos and I haven't been able to do that for 10 years and so now of a sudden I'm going in with demos and it's really fucking, it's really easy but I would say like when you do stand-up

and when you're on stage you're kind of like at the whim of the audience you know it's kind of like they might be tired you know you're kind of like you're trying to get like the best case scenario out of that situation right but you always leave kind of like

thinking well that could have been better and that could be. But when you're in like a studio doing me because I like doing stand up and then I like doing that and then I like doing acting and I like doing bits, you know. But when you go into the studio, you kind of like, you can sit there and you can get it. Because I operate under the assumption that I might be the only person that ever listens to these songs, right? So I've got to be happy with them, right? And so I sit there and I get them

and it's brilliant because you're in the studio and you get it exactly right and you get it exactly the way you want it. Just micromanaging superfluous. Yeah, and you go like, and even like right at the last stages, you're kind of like, let's just like move the drum beat over here and let's do so much. Right. And it's like literally all of that. It's the opposite of stand-up where, you know, you're just sort of like grabbing at a best case scenario with stand-up, you know. And sometimes you have an amazing gigs. Yeah. But like with the music side of it, it's just like you can just like get it. So you're exactly happy with it. And then you release it. And then you never listen to it again. which isn't true because I basically only listen to myself but I wouldn't be doing it

if I wasn't 100% you know convinced to my own talents do you have a break yeah let's have a break I'm on tour from October onwards Adam row dot code at UK for all tickets I'm going everywhere not everywhere I'm going everywhere I can be arsed going to

and if you're looking at it going I'm not coming to your shit whole town we'll come to the big place nearby. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Wolverhampton. Come to Birmingham. You're going to Barry? What? You're going to Barry? No, Cardiff. I've got a different business model. I need the attention, so I go to the shittal town. In a very separate note, Shrewsbury's just gone on sale. Dan Nightingale.com

for Dan and Friends. Filmco wasn't sold out sell, film club out, otherwise me, Harry and Finn will stop doing them when we get sad. I've added another country day on the 4th of July. Go to the Patreon, go to Film Club, buy your ticket. It's in the description, call. It's in the description. You get to watch a film for the tenor, seeking a film, and you get to watch a podcast,

tenor. And Nick Helm, who is one of the most exciting stand-ups I've ever seen live, is going to the Edinburgh Festival. I'm doing three dates in the Edinburgh Festival. That's the kind of fringe I want. The 13th, the 14th and the 15th. It's an album launch thing,

so it's going to be all songs. Is that when the album launches? I fucking hope so. Otherwise, it's a waste of fucking time going up there. By the way, the picture you got with the beard on your website, it's cool as fuck. Which one? Like the main shot on your site with like the colours.

Do you not know it? No. Oh, yeah, right. That was for my old two poster. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just trying not to unplug my art. I love that poster, yeah. Oh, yeah, that is class.

I think you were like, oh, everyone was giving me shit for the beard, but I think it's harder to shave a beard off these. days. I think that gives you, like I've been warned by everyone to never do it again. And we've got stars in their eyes coming up and I'm so close to really commit into the bit. I think it's your face. You can do whatever you like. No, my wife and children don't feel the same about that. Yeah, well, there is a thing about like, you know, but I, you see, every time I did say eight out of ten cats, I'd always like, either I'd shave or I'd have like a different sort of beard. Oh, you just changed. You know, like you have someone like Jimmy Carr who basically, uh, is like, you know, you have someone like

Jimmy Carr, who basically is like Colonel Sanders, right? He never changes. He was slightly fatter when he started. Yes, sure. And now he's very... But he's kind of like... Or like Harry Hill, where it's like that is what they look like. But I don't really ever want to get pigeonholed with what I look like.

I see what you mean. I asked my missus for permission this morning to get a mullet. He just doesn't want to get pigeonholed. Sure. On a modern mullet. She's very in control of all the hair that grows on him, basically. But you almost do. Yeah, I almost do.

But I think it's just the word mullet. Yeah. She's warned me against that in the past. So I was just like, look, I just want to just take this in a bit so it doesn't stick out when I've got a cap on. Sure. And she said, okay, because if I hate it, it can grow back. Yeah. But I like a little bit of feathering.

I like it when it's longer and it's like more, this just looks accidentally. Conversations pissing me off. Why? Because you've all got, oh, I like it when it's feathered. Shut up. street. Shall I have to talk it behind me years then? You need gayer hair. Let's do some pet peeves. Is your one hair?

Sorry, Nick Howland what? Is your pet peeve other people's hair? No, I are. Seems to be pretty fucked off about hair and then you've gone straight into pet peeves. I made peace with my baldness pretty early, didn't fight it long. 23, the shave was in

and there's never been anything more. I mean, I maybe let my hair, didn't shave my hair for a week, five days. And Adam the other day said, are you growing it out? So I'm, you know, I've really made peace with it. And genuinely I can appreciate

beautiful follicles, beautiful hair on another man. It's a great thing. But I also really enjoy spotting a guy who is in denial and is going bald. I just keep it to myself. And I'm like, I, you're fucking done, mate.

Committing to the bald in the 90s and just being a 20-year-old? Well, it was 2004. That's not far from the 18. I know it's not, is it? It's not the fucking 90s. And yes, there was a lot of shaved men. Obviously, different era.

If it had been the 80s, you shave your head. That's when you shaved your head in 2004. Yes. Did we gig together? Did we go away? Did we gig together? Did you go to home? No, but didn't we go to like the Canary Islands or something?

Or Tenerife? No, we absolutely did. Not near. Right. Oh, did you go with Danny McLaughlin? No, I didn't do... Have we been to the Canary Island? I thought...

No, I think it's Tenerife. I think it was Tenerife. No? The one way we did loads of Ketamette. Was there loads of Ketamon? No, I don't know. How often do you go to Tenerife? You don't know you've been with Dan.

I haven't been to Tenerife since I went with Dan. And I haven't been to Tenerife with Nick, so... Been a while. Have we... We haven't, have we? Well, now you mention. it might not have been you because they had a lot of hair. And it was, and it was, it was after 2004.

We gig together a lot at the, we gig together at the Laugh-In, because you came up and did that quite a few times in Chester. Oh. I remember seeing you live there. Right. I don't remember you there. Yeah. So when we were together, you've completely deleted me,

but when we weren't in Tenerife, we had a nice time. Sure. Did we gig together once at downstairs at the King's Head? Absolutely not. I think we did, Dad. Do you know how I know we didn't? I've never gigged at the King's Head.

You fucking am. I believe me. I believe Nick. I'm a hundred percent sure. You two have been to Tenadive together. Yeah. You forget things all the time. I'm using this as evidence in future.

Is it a work thing? Like a gigging over there or just like on all- Tenorave? No, it was really... We didn't go for a fucking romantic trip to Tenerife and we've forgotten about. We did. What was it? Oh, hang on.

Sorry, I forgot. We were seeing each other for a bit. It was, uh, we were in each other. What was the reason? What was the reason? Two for one. What was the reason? For work?

There was, they did like, they did three gigs out in Tenerife. Yeah, and there was a water park. They got your tickets to the water park. of the gig. Yeah, I haven't been to that gig. Yeah. Nick, I promise you. Nah, you have. Remember Chester when we had those good times?

No, no. I've never been to Chester. I've never been to Chester. You're electric on stage and I was like, thanks Nick. That means so much because I look up to you as a performer and you were like, I couldn't give a fuck. Who are you? No, no, no, I've never been.

You kept calling me Jimmy McGee the whole time. Oh, right, Jimmy. Yeah. That's right. He's a great comic. Nice hair. Right, well, I hated that fucking five minutes. That's a pet peeve.

We're smashing this section. When a comedian your respect completely forgets where he's been with you. Oh, fuck off. All right. I miss you. I miss Tom. Who's Tom? Shout out at Jimmy McGee.

Rees says, we're doing some pet peeves. This is going to be tricky because... Thomas Green. Oh, yeah. Rees says, when you're on the train, a pet peeve, when you're on the train and the family in front of you

are insistent on having their little kids press the button for the doors. I just want to boot the little fucker out of the way and get off. Same applies for if the parents get the kids to put their own ticket in the turn style or anything like that. No? I let the kid in the lift press the button because I know how cool it is

when you're the kid. Just like it. Yeah, there's just experience in the world. I go, I'm miserable people like this. They love it. And you go,

oh nice one, mate. And they go, I'm controlling the lift. Makes them feel cool, don't it? It's like their first step to adulthood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, hang on. If you're doing the fucking, it's a busy train station and there's turnstiles and a queue,

that's not the time to be like, oh my God, little Thomas is doing his own ticket. No, it is the time for that. I don't, I don't mind that. If there's a little kid and they're like experiencing

something like that. It's great, right? But what I do fucking hate is that when you get through the turns tail and you have like an actual grown-up adult and then they just stop. And then it's like, oh, at the top of an escalator or something like that and they just stop and it's just sort of like, get the fuck out of the way, what you do it? Because they've got to decide where they're going.

They've got to decide where they're doing. But like you can do that while you're walking. Yeah, just keep moving. It's like, have some sort of spatial awareness. Have some sort of community spirit. This is fine. I hate kids, but this is fine. I would never have one of those moments where like, oh my kid, they're learning about the thing when it's the wrong time.

Yeah, not in like Houston. Like, if that kid taking an extra 20 seconds to get through a barrier, ruined your day, then just get up 20 seconds earlier tomorrow. Right. That's how that works. Like, if you get in a lift on, then... You get the train that's booked of a specific time.

Well, then be a bit earlier. That's your fault? Just boot the little fucker. I'm the only parent. What am I doing here? But it wouldn't be 20 seconds, right? 20 seconds is too long. You know, you remember when you looked in Michael Jackson's eyes and those four seconds felt like an eternity. Yeah. So, so it's probably, I think you'd honestly forgotten that story. What? Oh shit, yeah, saw Michael Jackson there, didn't they?

Jake, sorry, Jack Richard says, when the hotel cleaning service on holiday, make your duvet and pillow look like origami. Fuck off. I'm paying to stay in a room. Not a fucking. maze. I like it when they do that. Where's the bed? When I, when I stayed in Egypt, we had a guy that did our towels and, uh, and he made like animals out of like swans and stuff. I love that. One day we went and he made a fucking crocodile, right? And, uh, and the mints for its eyes, right? And, uh, and we love this, you know, we, we, it was fucking huge as well. And, uh, and she got one off of it and I got the other. We lifted it off and we kept it, you know, we put it like on the side of the thing. And,

And we fucking loved it. And then we got to the end of the holiday. And, you know, he came in and did like animals every day. Right. And so he got him a tip and we got like all of the money. And we found it out and we put the crocodile back on the bed. And we stuck the money in the crocodile's mouth for, you know, a bit of whimsy. For the for the cleaner guy to kind of like find his tip.

and then we left and then when we left he chased us down the fucking corridor saying hey where's my tip and we were like you fucking ruined it we did something really sweet for you

what did he not find it in the crocodile's mouth he didn't go in he just assumed that we'd fucking bailed on him now you want to go back again we went above and beyond so we wanted to go back in and take the money back again yeah that stinks

if you if you get an like an origami swan towel on on holiday. I like it. Does that mean you're definitely tipping? Are you then tipping the, are you leaving some Kishola? It's above and beyond, don't it? For me, they're already pre-made.

It's like the fella who's got the salmon crocodile outside. That's just the setter. He just brings it down pre-made. I've never seen them making it. They do make it, yeah. They make it, they just know how to do it. Why would it be harder to bring a fucking crocodile down?

I like him spin it out. It's just like, fold it, you know. Like, it's a bit of seasoning. Yeah, this fella's just been to a nice hotel. He's like, this isn't as shit as it normally is. Fuck it off. Yeah, it's nice when you take care. So. No, there is, there is a level of bed that's like,

when they make it that's too tight. When you pull it off and then everything comes off with it. I haven't to rag it over. Oh, yeah, I don't like when it's all tucked in. Yeah. I want like a duvet. Yeah, but that's what he's talking about. No, he's not he said all the garley.

He means like the, I thought he said when the bed was too tight. No. He said like animals on the bed. Like, the shit. of like swans. You've completely made that up in your dad. Oh, I? Oh, sorry.

So you want a hotel service to just do a sort of... Just make your bed like I'd make my bed, which is just chuck the duvet on it. Just straight out a bit. When you're, it's all tucked in. Like, you feel like you're straightjacketed. Yeah, but you know what you do?

Untuck it. Before you go to bed, you just don't tuck it. Yeah, but I don't want to have to do that. I'm tired and I'm drunk. And sometimes everything comes off. Yeah. And then you just on a mattress. What?

The fuck are you doing to your beds? Jesus Christ, you just untuck it in the hotel. It's too much effort, isn't it? It's easy. It takes ages. What's more effort is like, waging yourself in like that, and then going, trying to fucking kick it off afterwards.

That is loads of effort. That is loads of effort. Carl Jones says, all right, lids, got a pet peeve for you. People that phone you as soon as you've left them in person. My mother-in-law is the worst for it. We hadn't got to the end of our road, and she was already ringing my missus

for nothing in particular, just more general chit-chat bullshit. That's the end of your own road? Why are you leaving your mother-in-law in your house? Maybe that's why she's ringing you. Let me house. You've left me in the house. We hadn't got to the end of her road. You said our road.

Yeah, Dan. All right. Yeah. That is annoying. No one never does that in my life. And I'd be like, what? What do you mean? You've just seen someone.

And then they ring you? And then they ring you straight away, what? To just chat? I think that's what he's getting at? Yeah, that's insane. I'd literally go, what are you doing? I'd go, what, what's you mean? What do you mean, how am I?

Just being in your house. If they're ringing, say, how are you? You need to get them checked for dementia. Are you calling me right now for a chat after I've just left your house? What are you doing? I've forgotten something. Have I left anything?

Is there anything you forgot to tell me that's really important right now? No, well then fuck off. Mom. Not mum. Has this happened to any... I've never... Experience this.

Who's written in? Who is this liar? It's Carl Jones, Nick. Carl Jones. I think you went to Tenorif with him. Carl Jones. He's top of my shit list. No, he's my pet peeve. Elliot Sharp says,

when you get in the shower on a morning and the alarm you snooze prior to getting out of bed goes off. That's a good one. You've got to try turn the alarm off with wet hands. That is fantastic. I do. If I'm in the shower, I just leave it until I'm done.

Oh no. I just leave it. Well, I put my phone in the shower to listen to stuff. Yeah, it turns my music off. Yeah, and it'll turn when I'm listening to off. But you can do the whole shower with the alarm going. Yeah, I just act like it's, I'm waiting for it to drop. Like a beat up.

Ding didilling. Ding diddling. Ding diddling. Ding diddling. Ding diddleing. Ding diddleing. Ding diddleing. What is it?

It's an alarm. But what is the, what is the alarm? is that like a standard one? Yeah. I have the, sometimes, you know, when you're hung over, just leave it for hours. Yeah?

Mark Rebellay, give the fuck out of bitch, bitch, go. Get the fuck out of a bitch, go. That is really good, but my wife asked me to change it because it was doing her fucking edit. I've put a custom one on my phone, which is a bit.

Mine's just a slowly, like slow faded. Have you sung your own alarm? No. Get up, Finn. Get off 11 in the morning. It's like a piano. Wake up, Finn.

It's like a piano tune that slowly fades in, so you kind of wake up and then you're like, oh, my alarm is going. I like that. I like it when, you know, you ease into it. But sometimes, you know, if you sleep with it next to your head, and it's like,

bab, you're like, oh, God. You're like, oh, God. That's such a good pet peeve Because that's most mornings for me Yeah, Carl Jones, where were you on that one? Fucking idiot

Elliot sharp Smashed it That's a very relatable pet peeve Elliot Really well good If anything shows the contrast Between you Elliot and Carl Jones Tom Waits says Pet peeve for you lads

When you're trying Is he Tom Wait? Is he Tom Wait? Tom Waits He's a big fan Pet pee for you lads When you're trying to chat up a lovely lady at a bar.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hello, fellow humans. If he couldn't sound like more of a good. When you're trying to chat up a lovely lady at a bar and your stomach rumbles and they hear it. Jesus, Tom. Who is there? Never go and chat a woman up on an empty stomach?

He's gone, how do I sound the most like a human? Hello, fellow humans. Do you ever get hungry around women? Ever try and whisk a lady off her feet whilst you're snacky? I've had the little... We might not be snacky. Don't you hate it

when you're chatting up a lovely lady at the bar and your tummy rumbles and you end up shitting yourself? Yeah, it could be like... That's worse. There's a comic... That is worse. There's a comic in the York called.

Brendan Sagalow. Sagalow, I think it is. Sagaloo. He's so funny. But he put a clip out this week about something similar to you'll really like, I'll show you after the podcast,

but you should check him out on Instagram. He does a podcast, done soda as well. Ben and Sagler. Oh, I thought you were going to tell the... I thought you were going to ruin the bit, man. All right, okay. Not my bit.

It's Ben-Sagelow's bit. Oh, it's the Sagalows bit. When me and Laura are doing that, like, you know, before, like, we make sweet, sweet love, we sort of do a little cuddly kissy bit, you know, because you can't go straight into the filth. Four play, yeah. Foreplay, yeah.

I've had a little... I've had a little... Jesus Christ, have you fucked. No, four play. Oh, right. Kissing is foreplay done. Oh, right, okay. Women say foreplay begins

after you've finished having sex. What, the idiots? Yeah, they're, they're stupid. That's what they say. As in like, aftercare. Four is before.

Yeah, it is before you next have sex when you finished having sex. That's just how time went. Oh, I see what you mean. As in like, you should never stop being nice to me.

Four weeks of four play? What about when they're doing you that? I didn't know. Like, you don't finish having sex and start foreplay again. That'd be mental. I mean, like, at a lower level.

I thought they meant like cuddling, not like aftercare, being nice and then... Were you going to say that your pet peeve is foreplay, Daniel? Yeah, because you just want to get in. No, not absolutely. No, of course, I was being silly. I didn't think that was... I thought foreplay was as soon as you touched a nipple

or a, you know, four play's kissing for me. Oh, I thought that was just the kissing before the fours. Does that mean every time a woman goes to get a nipples piece? She's having foreplay, pierce her. Yeah, apparently, yeah. Laura keeps going to get a nipples pierced. I've got seven rings on this one.

It's like Tom Brady. She's a lesbian. That's unbelievable, Carl. Unbelievable. Carl nose ball. Out of nowhere. I get a little, I've had a little, you know the little.

In four play? Yeah, just as we're hugging, my stomach will go, so I'm just someone on your belly, rumbles, you do feel stupid. Like you don't allow to look after yourself. Especially when you're like trying to do the, come on now, we're doing the serious, sexy times.

You're doing it and your tummy rumbles and then you're like, oh, I've lost it. I know, but it really undermines your authority, don't it? Because when you go, right, we're in the sexy mode. Are you talking about it? You go on, come on, baby, I'm so sexy, you know it. And I do the voice and everything. If you just remember. I was, I was having four play with a woman once.

That's not that's not possible. Adam, by the way, has had sex with a woman. And this was years ago. And my stomach rumbled, like, what? And I went, oh, I'm so sorry about that. Sorry about that. And she went, sorry about what? I was like, do you not hear that?

She went, no, what was it? And I was like, all my stomach rumbled. And she went, oh, no, I think people hear their own a lot more. Like, I didn't hear it at all. and then when we eventually sort of had an argument to stop speaking to each other, she told me and I did her, your stomach rumbled back.

I don't I don't understand why it's embarrassing. You do feel, you undermine yourself, like you can't like, I don't know how it's like. It's like a fart that stays in your belly, Nick. No, it is. No, it's not. No, I don't see it as like, I haven't eaten today because I'm stupid.

I just think it's a bit of, like, a comical sound, an involuntary like, from inside you. Yeah, and you can't do it. You're like, oh, sorry. I've shown off my hunger to you. Do you know what I mean? I always feel a bit undermined if my belly rumbles about, I'm like, I like, oh, right. I like being hungry. I'm hungry for love.

Well, I can't use that line, but maybe I can now. Yeah. Sam, last one of these, Sam Lazarus, pet pee for you, lads, when the bottom of your cornetto breaks off in the wrapper, that's the best fucking bit. That is.

You can still eat it. I know, but it starts to melt to the bottom and you can't have eaten it like. It never, it never melts all the way through. It's just a little chocolate bit at the end and then it's still cone.

Does that ever happen to you? Yeah. And it'll happen with an older cornetto. Genuinely. If it's been in the freezer, getting banged round a bit. you can loosen the integrity you freeze a product

oh yeah like when it's a little bit up there and yeah but don't you like to just sort of like go underneath yeah you have to go underneath yeah you're fucking it's weird because you're eating the whole ice cream backwards then yeah it's stupid but then the little chocolate bit is

wow one of the best things in the world yeah it's about to work for it in general love them it's the prize at the end of the I think they might be the most over-raised thing I got all the old time. What is?

It's all on Rett, mate. They're not actually that good on me. Also, an old cornetto will start to unravel. And that chaos. How long do you keep cornettoes for? This is my nanzos years ago. Have you ever had a cornetto unravel on you? What, the rapper?

No, the actual court. No, but like sometimes you get an old one and then the wafer gets all sort of like chewy, right? Yeah, and it will unravells. And then you can like squash it and then you're like, oh, it's like a whole new fucking, treat. It's great. I think they're the most overrated thing ever.

What are you talking? The ice cream is subpar. It's a subpar ice cream. Are you talking strawberry? Right now we freeze it's strawberry. I do like a mint as well. I do think that cornets are overrated. I think when I was a kid it was like a grown-up,

like that was an ice cream that. BNSF. Yeah, we got like a chalk ice because we were kids. That was a proper one. I think it's been put on a pedestal because you weren't allowed it as a kid. I was allowed it as a kid. Oh, what a lot.

What a childhood. My fucking, we went for ice cream the other day. And I was like, right, I'm going to get ice creams for everyone. I'm going to get, uh,

Jack. I've got a five year old. And I was like, oh, I was just getting one of those Oreo, like sandwich things because it's for kids. And Laura's like,

oh, he's gone off them. He wants a white magnet. A white chocolate magnet. The fucking childhood, these kids are avid. What do you mean? A white magnum?

How much were you fucking beaten down? I got, there's a child. That is a lavish. pick for a five-year-old. I'm going to ignore that sign. You don't have any of them. That was my childhood.

Wow. You weren't allowed anything you fucking wanted. You get a fab. That's what you allowed. I don't know. I've got... Father, a white magnum. Do you have an ice cream, man?

I shouldn't, father? We were not allowed any ice cream. My mum was a right time off. You're doing all right. Don't you? I buy your son a white magnum for fuck sake. I got him three.

A magnum's a chalk ice with a stick in it. I think a magnum's quite like, you know, yeah, could you grow up eating cornettoes? No, but a mac, yeah. Like a nobly bobby. A magnum is,

it is a chok ice with a stick in it, but it's aimed at, you know, lovely ladies. Five-year-old boys. In the bath, right? Yeah. That's what it's like, it's like the flake.

It's sexy. It's like a luxurious thing. Have you had a millionaire fucking, the millionaire fucking magnum? Yeah, with all the madness. Yeah, oh my God, magnums, Jesus Christ. Is that the one with a caramel layer? Get them in me.

Yeah, but you're a grown man and you earn your money. You deserve a magnum. My five-year-old's done, fuck all. Jack does deserve a magnum. He's done nothing. He's not getting a millionaire magnum. It is a kind of grown-up thing. What's your favourite ice cream, Adam?

I would pour, like, a white magnum in... Someone's got to be in charge. I put a white magnum. As like out of a freezer, like ready-made option, I'd put White Magnum as my top one. What? Even better than all the Lardie-Dar ones that you're talking about. I want a straight Snickers.

And you're in yours, are they? That's my goal. Snickers or Mars? Do you know what, though? They're like multi-pack from as they're going in the freezer. They're in the house one. Yeah, they're always there. White Magnum, I go for that over a snicker in a shop.

Yeah. If I'm out and about. Yeah, but I mean, in my house, Snickers are so. I just, like, I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to ice cream. So I really love, like, a proper, artisanal, big cone with the big scoop of pistachio, and then I just like a vanilla. Pistachio and vanilla or pistachio and hazeln and something like that. But I also think, whereas I think Cornettos brand and sees it as premium,

and that means it's overrated, I think there's an ice cream that is underrated because it's seen as, like, cheap option and I think it's one of the best ice creams you can buy anywhere in the world and that is the McFutry. Oh yeah. McFlurry. I think a dense McFluddy where they get generous and it's weighty. It's basically it's like a 99 isn't it? It's the same sort of like ice cream that but it's uh yeah but like when they do like the special ones with Jaffer cakes this month. It's like yes please you know what I mean it's like you can travel around the world with a McFlurry.

Yeah. What have we got this way? We've got fucking pumpkin spice for Halloween. Yes, what it is. You know, I like a muttari. McFlurry is so underrated because it's seen as cheap

because it's like just little Mac and stuff. Tell you what's underrated is a fucking vanilla ice cream from McDonald's. I'd never have it. Just the cold. It would be strawberry or it would be chocolate for me, right?

But the vanilla one, I had that once. And I'm still, I like that. it so much, I'm telling you about it. Did he still do the caramel Sundays? Yeah, but it's the same ice cream, just to the caramel sauce. Oh, yeah, it is, yeah. When does Jack

qualify, when does he, like, go up to... Listen, he's a... When does he have... When does he have... When does he'll lock the other side of the menu? You're getting too much too soon. Does that they get one? Too much too soon. Yeah, she's nine. That's sad for Jack. She can have a pistachio one. She's earned it four years of life. You can't give these kids too much too soon. You can't have a three-year-old and give him a full fucking vionnetter. It's a white man. He's not asking for a

fucking spaceship and rollerblades. and his shotgun. You can have to roll the blades at least. I think Dan's right. I think Dan's right. Because when we grew up, you know, when we lived together,

but when we grew up, you would just get a chalk ice, right? And it would be kind of like, it would be bad chocolate. And it was, like when you open it, it's like got the, it's like frozen.

Yeah, the ice cream tasted like ice. Yeah. Like actual ice. And that's what, and then when you get older, then you've kind of earned the magnet because it's kind of like, I think,

You're right, but then magnums came out when we were, like, when we were older. Magnums are for mums in my head. I know, they're not. They're not for five. They're not aimed at five. So do you say to them, no, you can't have a magnum? No, I buy him a pack of magnums, don't I? I just resent him for it.

What, did you eat them all? Yeah. Oh, at that point, that's mentally. Oh, no, it's mental. If he empties the freezer, the magnums and you're looking for one. Yeah. Five. These kids are going to be fucking spoiled.

Yeah, but we had everything, Cornettos, all the gear. I run it under the tap dead quick now because it gets through the ice taste. I mean, there will be spoiled when it comes to ice cream, but you know, you can reassure yourself to know that they won't be able to use the ticket machines at train stations. I'll have. Beat them down some way. That's an episode, Liz.

I bought him a multi-pack of white magnums, and I disliked him a little bit for it. All right? He got what he wanted, but he lost my respect. Thank you for coming in, Nick Helm. No, you're welcome. Thank you. Thank you for having me.

I believe we're going to play one of your tunes. Yes. Yes. Do we know what it's called yet? Or are we going to pick that later? I'll pick it later. Okay. Yeah.

This is Pick It Later by Nick Hale. Oh, right. I'll send you list of films. Okay. That's what it's called. List of films. Nice. There we go.

This is Nick Helm with List of Films. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. Appreciate you, Nick. Thank you. It was really nice to do this today with you, Daniel. Thanks, Nick. I remember the old days

We used to have a podcast together Ted Rief He'll forget that I was even here Bye Felicia This is just a list of films Just a list of basic films This is just a list of films Just a motherfucking list of basic films

This is just a list of films Just a basic list of films Just a motherfucking list of basic films This is just a list of films The Sands of the Rams, best day plans, Tommy Boy hits fouls idle hands To take in a film fucking one, two, three, Flash dance foot, loose, despicable me Indiana Jones and all of the bonds,

Kill Bell, Brave Heart, legally blonde, Eight Harry Potter's and his magic one, The MCU Star Trek beyond Casablanca, the Wizard of Oz, Jurassic Park and fucking jaws Gone with a wind, it's a wonderful life, Commander Rambo the Bishop's wife, Cat in the Hat, Stakes on a plane,

Alien, spaceballs singing in the rain Fertigo, the man who knew too much Saffled car, the fuck virus of the Caribbean dead man's chest The phantom menace, attack of the clones Revenge of the Sith, the fucking home alone American werewolves, London and Paris Citizen Kane and fucking Solaris Oceans 11, Academy 7, red tone, black swan

Shurbing that the Kong gone may be gone Fruitville Station, lost in translation, 101 and two Dalmatians Remarms in a Stone, Jewel of the Nile, Boy, it's a...