Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #385 with Bella Hull - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: June 13, 2026

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Wag-waglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the Heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only. Have a word. Brought to you by Monscape, the very best products on the market for below-the-waist groomer. Go, Ed. Get on me. I've had an interesting start of the morning. Yes.

You know when you just feel like you've got a bit of a lion? I've started leaving to get here for 10 a.m. at 9 a.m., which most people would say is the right time. That feels a bit early to me, but because I get into town with the dog, I have to park up, give him a little bit of a walk, all that sort of stuff. The plan today was that Alex was going to have the dog all day,

and I was just going to come in, be with you guys, you know? The boys. At 8 a.m. this morning. Actually, that's a lie. A quarter to 8 this morning, a decorator knocked at my house. I was like, I'm here to do. All the decorating, you know, from the thing.

So someone had forgot that they booked a decorator in. It was you. It was me, yeah. Quarterway to do, in there? No, like, if you get, like, where are we getting our extension? Then they come at 7 a.m. every morning. Where's the line here, boys? Where's the line?

7.30? No, they were, and they just let themselves in. So they'd be downstairs and not be in bed. Right. Anyway. That's not good. my missus is in her Luteel phase so the fact that there was a man in the kitchen

We're allies guy We're allies, you know Through a whole day off You know She was like, oh I don't know What do we do now? This is mad this You know?

Yeah, it's bad And I was like Yeah, I was like But just keep Remy upstairs Yeah Play with him in the bedroom He'll probably go take his bed up there If all asleep in that

And then about 1 o'clock You'd probably take him out Because the rain's going to go off and I'll be back about half three, four o'clock, and, you know, it'd be fine. And she just looked dead stressed, because when they're in that phase, they're fucking mad, aren't he?

So she was just like, and I was like, look, you need to stop down, or towards the impression. That's the Luteel phase. No. So I was dressed and ready to go, and I was like, right,

do you know what? Okay, do you want me to just take the dog with me and then you can just do whatever women do, just sit around and, you know, make daisy chains and cry all day or something like that? Yeah, honestly, you think they just stare at the wall, you know, honest for God. Allies.

Yeah. I am an ally. Like, she's allowed to do it. Daisy Chain and cry. That's nice. We're on your side, guys. So, I brought the dog with me,

but I was already ready to leave. So I went, Dave, just get it's like a pocket full of kibble. Right? A pocket full of kibble. I love that, Christmas.

A heart full of dreams. My car is a shit hole. So I took my car to the car wash in L1 and I leave the car with those guys for a couple of hours. Yes, mate, very good, mate. And I was, walking through L1 to come to the studio.

And because I'd left in a rush and I'm normally a very good, very well-prepared dog dad. I... Always at the first time. I didn't have poo bags. Oh, it's not good. Right? Especially with a rock wallet.

Now, Remy is at an age where his poo could be mistaken for that of a yak or, you know, a Godzilla. A large bovine creature. It's a normal. he'd already done a shit this morning as well so it was like he's probably done until we get to the studio

and he'll do it on a carpet or something and we'll just put that in the bin. And he's about a third of the growth he's the third of the size he's going to be roughly, quarter to a third, yeah? He's going to be 60s, about 18 kilograms. Are his poo's full size or are they going to be? No, they're going to be about three times of size as well.

We're going to need poo bin liners eventually. Oh, he's got like rubber sacks. Can you spot me? I need to pick up the shit. So I had no poo bags with me And where it was in L1 Imagine you've parked the car in L1 And you come into the studio via

Like where Pratt is So that little bridge between Zara And the escalators Yeah On that And like massive Luckily, very solid So just a chunk of it

Right Throwable Now I luckily No one was looking No one's seeing me And you brought the dog to the studio I just left.

Right? You've left a poo on the L1 bridge? I left the poo on the L1 bridge. I came here. I left a dog with Julia. And you went back. I got poo bags and I went back. Nice.

Right? Nice. Honestly. Hold on. And I got to the poo and there was a security guard man marking it. Oh, yes.

And he's on the radio going, yes, it must be some sort of wild wild wilder beast man. It's huge. It's enormous. We need clean his ear immediately. And I... Lads, I think we've got big foot

in L1, keep an eye out. So I, obviously, I'm still sort of waking up. I went, I amaze, I'll deal with that. And he looked at me like, why? Because I'm poo man. Right? And I was like, I didn't have bags before. And he went, oh, he went to a nightmare that in it.

I've been in himself, made that. So I just picked it up, and it's enormous. And it's now in a bag. I take the bag on the escalator with me. There's a bin at the bottom of the escalator. There was a fella smoking next to the bin. And I just smiled at him as I put it in. And he went,

what was that? And I went Like I was so like annoyed that he'd asked me And like I've had like a bad 10 minutes I went It's a bag full of dog shit mate And he went right

And then I walked off And then realized I haven't got a dog with me have I Yeah to look as you look like To onlookers you look like Like the bond disposal unit Who? Sometimes I was on the phone

And then you came and got it And ran away I got it Stand back 100 yards That happens me once Going to work And I had to run into London

you're going to get some blue roll. It was all good. But like, you feel... Because you're like, I've got to walk away because I've got nothing. I've been there. I'm very lucky that that was like before 10 o'clock on a Wednesday morning

and not one in the afternoon and a Saturday. If I got, I'll have them, no, let's just dog shitting up at L1 and walks. That's it. You are... You are high visibility on that. Yeah. Well done for going back.

That's the right thing to do. Yeah. You can't leave a yak-sized plop on L1 bridge, can you? I've had people, so I, so they're like a little walk through by here, by where the, you know, the walk through. Yeah. So I go through a little gap by the side there, and there's two bins, and Wallace always pooes in the same, genuinely the same 10 yards. It's weird. Like, he loves doing it there.

So people will sit on the benches. You'll be able to smell his last shite, won't he? Well, it must be, because it's like, this is the one. No, genuinely. Like, they know where they've done it before, because they can smell how, this is where I've done it before. And they're more likely to do it there again. There's special dog, like, shite and piss spray that removes those. If they do it in your house, they'll be like, oh, that's where I poo then, because I can smell it.

Like, that must be where they do it. You break the cycle. Yeah. But I, so there's benches next to the bins, but I'll put us poo in the bin. They look at me. I'm like, mate, where am I meant to put it? Also, don't sit on a bench next to a bin and complain there's a bin. People kick off when you put poo in a bin.

Dog poo. Why? Because they're like, oh, because they're sitting there, like, read the paper or something and I put a bag of shite next to them. They always go, what? Like, I've had a few people go, mate, what's the fuck? I'm like, where do you expect? Stop sniffing the bin, you're fucking lizard.

Oh my God, that bin smells. Yeah, it does. Just go and sit somewhere else. Oh, I forgot to tell you about this as well. Obviously, there's a bit of a stigma with large breeds, especially of Rotweiler. People who don't know what the breed's like, and don't realize he's a fucking massive Pomeranian, essentially.

Like, they think it's like a massive Pomeranian, and I know what that means. You're so much more like it to get bit by a Pomeranian than a Rotwalla, by the way. Yeah, you're telling me. You know what a Pomm is? I thought you said you're a Pomeran. Am I a Pomeranian?

No, you know what a Pomeranian is? Is this a euphemism? What are you what I eat? Is it a breed? Yeah. A little tiny, puffy dog. Oh, that little guy dog. That little guy dog.

Yeah, I'm like, yeah. So one of them in Glasgow. I found it funny. Yeah. Quite a hard city. And then there's a little Glasgowianian going, What the fuck are you looking at me, did he? I loved it.

I was walking through time with him about a week ago. and this woman, I reckon she was 50, maybe. A white woman, straight white woman. Straight, fitter. And she, she, like, snarled at me. And I, like, caught her eye and she went, you shouldn't have a dog like that in town. And, like, my initial reaction, I went,

sorry, why, she goes, big, dangerous dogs like that shouldn't be in a city center. And I just snapped. I went, you shouldn't be in a city center with a mouth like that, you stupid old cum, fuck off. And just kept walking. That's exactly what I would have said. But she looked, like, horrified by my reaction. and I think it was absolutely fair.

More like this, get a bit by a Pomeranian. Everyone knows that. I called some fella a stupid old cunt of the day out loud, out my car. And then I realised, you know, people could have seen me do that. He was, though. I was reversing down a road

and there was any way to get out, so I'm reversing onto her main road. So you're stressed a little bit, because you're, like, looking over your shoulders and stuff. Yeah. And instead of, I was at the end of the road, about to turn, instead of waiting, he just walked behind my car.

And if you walk behind my senses, my car slams on because of things you're going to crash. Auto. Auto breaks. Yeah, so I fucking did that. And I was like, what the fuck? And he was just, like, walking across. Like, I was in our bed. And I just rolled down and went,

you fucking stupid eggling him to his old cunt. And he just looked at me and walked off. And I was like, well, that was a bit harsh, I thought, no, it wasn't. No, because I didn't... I have a hundred percent respect for someone or zero. There's not, there's no, like, 50 percent respect. You mean, and you have 100 percent. It's like, you lose it, but you lose all of it at once.

Yeah, you lost at all. So you're either an up. Standing citizen or a stupid old cunt. Yeah. It's a great way to live, isn't it? Luckily, we're all upstanding citizens. But it's, because it jolted me. Joe and something happens to you and put you in a bad mood,

like, irrationally, like you stub your toe. Yeah. And so, and you go, fucking shut up a minute. That was the feeling I had. It was a newfangled car for him, though, in it? He doesn't know that car. I didn't know that cars could break if people are behind them. But either way, let me reverse.

Don't walk behind. He walked that close to it. We walked that close enough that my car thought it was another car. If he's watching out, he fucking heard some, like... I brought that down what I want to say that. Let's not have to write a letter. Yeah. I feel like in car parks, there needs to be a bit more concerned.

Like, people who reverse in car parks, you know, when it's busy and you're just trying to reverse out your parking spot, say people are coming out and there's a bit of a gap. You've sort of got to appreciate that people have to reverse out. into their lane, but... Yeah, you... Like, I know you've sort of got right of way, but it is a car park,

people are going to be doing this. You can't... You've got to drive slowly. You've probably just done this two minutes before. People get well eggy. Do you drive in forwards into car park? I have been known to you. Yeah, mad.

Is that the mistake I'm making? It's a lot of easier... It's a lot easier to reverse and forward out. Hmm. I will take this on board, boys. Um, I think car parks... are like the Wild West, and I don't think they're roads.

It's not a road. You know, like when you're walking from, like, Tesco to your car, and, like, you're walking across a car park, and someone's like, walk, get out the way. It's like, it's a car park, means. Everyone's walking here.

Yeah, you've got to chill out a little bit on the, I know there's the walkways sometimes, but everyone's, people are just fucking well-like it. Costco is insane for it, by the way. Costco is, because Costco's got one-way lanes, and everyone's like, I will just fucking drive into you.

you if you're in your fucking trolley. People don't give a fuck. They've got 700 pounds of stuff in a trolley. Yeah. Bulk, do you just smash into it? Yeah. Are they bigger, they're bigger parking spots there,

aren't they at Costco? Yeah, they're longer. All right. And they feel like real roads as well. Like the one in Boutel is like, feels like a motorway that goes into different parking spaces. Do I mean, it feels like you could get it at full speed.

I'm trying to Costco like a motorway. I feel like I'm, I think the Cosmos owes me a, we should go to Costco. You know, when it comes around every once in a while that Laura's focus just is drawn by Costco. It's a bulk buying shite. And then it's like, I just want to have a look around and it costs you $400.

It's a good date, though. I'm the person who usually says, let's go to Costco. You're not like Costco now? I don't mind it. But my wife doesn't work. You and Laura the main cardholders, by the way. Are we? Yeah, Laura is one of the main cardholders of this company for Costco.

Right. Well, we can move that to you and Sereka. That, I'm happy to give you that. Me instead. And you and Stee, your other wife. What you mean? I'm happy. I signed up.

Basically, that was what's happened. I signed up for the company. It's a bit of admin that needs to happen. But you can move that old. I mean, only you can. Oh, brilliant. We can go together. I'd rather go with you than Laura.

I've got a Costco card. Yeah, but you know, an admin. Kind of. What do I need to be an admin for? She was like, you need to change your account because you could be saving half a million pounds a year. If you come with us and be like, I'll change it now.

Then you can't. You're not Lord and like a year. I'll save half a million pounds a year by not taking my wife to Costco. That'd be great. Oh, because you can get like the gold membership. Yeah, yeah, that's a fucking Ponzi scheme. You don't want to get involved with that. Is it a Ponzi scheme?

It's something like that, or a monopoly or something. Well, she went on the account, the amount of money you spend per year. If you get there, she will instantly save money. I was like, okay, that's gone. Yeah, yeah, but that's how they get you. And then next year, they hike the prices up for all the gold members

and your fucking left fucking counting your pennies means. Yeah, if they're smart, they'll look at the data and it'll be mainly kind of Buenos that you buy for the studio. Buenos. Buenos. I buy your fucking waters. Dan can't speak. It's painful.

So yeah, she went, you're not lauring at and girls, you can't change it. You're not, are you? No. How's she, know? Because I've given him my ID.

Oh. Do you ever go into... It's your first mistake if you're trying to get away with being someone else? Do you ever go into the, like, spacey, futuristic Asian room in Costco? It's like all fridges and they sell lichies and that.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. It's not spacey or futuristic, though. It is definitely Asian. Spacey futuristic Asian room. So it's like all of the, it's all of the meats and then like your fridges and, and,

like, you're Santa Slays. And then there's the one little room that has like, kind of plastic slats that you've got to go through. I thought that was, I think you're in the stock room, mate. No. That's not part of the shop. They're not in the big Costco lorries and all the stocks in the parts.

And then there's that other room where everyone sits down and has a brew and they're all wearing uniform. It's like the fridge room and there's only Asian people in there buying like Asian fruits. He is right. Yeah, it's like stink fruit. I'm sorry. All Costco's have got an Asian fridge.

No, it's not an Asian fridge. It's frequented by Asians. It's gentrified. And when you look into it, you go, oh, that must be good. It is, no, isn't it? Yes. You look and you go, that must be good.

It's a water park. They're exclusively Asian people are going to. That's an Asian water park. Yeah, maybe. Okay, it's an Asian fridge. That day it is. If you put enough stank on it. But yeah, it's by the bakery.

It's just like a flappy door with all like... Lappy door. Where is this in our one? on the, so the, all the big stuff, like behind, as you walk in, I mean, you're asking me, it's on the left. It's not far left. Back left. But like, because the one time I went to Costco to help out, I went in there and bought dried

cranberries. And I was like, we'll eat these. It'll be dead healthy. And I think I ate seven of them and did a bad poo and then we never ate them. That's not the cranberries fault, is it? I think, I think at some point it becomes the cranberry's fault. I think your bum has got a lot of ones. points it's your fault for eating shit your body can't take.

Eight, eight dates the other day. Yeah, I saw Ellie's special dates. Absolutely ruin the toilet. A date to what old people... Not dates like this big. No, that... They're racons. The big dates. Like, yeah.

They were chocolate dates. But for old people's constipation. Yeah, I didn't realize that. I used to always... When I'm, what them in the fridge or the cupboard, I always thought they were cockroaches. You know, I was a kid? They looked like cockroaches.

Do you know what I mean? And, like, the cellophate. and they're all lying, though. Why would you mind? We're keeping cockroaches, didn't know. I thought I thought she had a snake or something. They didn't know those. I used to go, what the fuck?

Cockroch is there? And then I was like, I never asked her about the snake. Just thought. She's allowed some privacy. Yeah, I never knew. They look horrible, by the way. They were so nice.

I ordered, well, my stomach was so bad the next morning. I kept on ordering an Uber to go to like the filming that we were doing. I cancelled the Uber twice. For poo-poo's? Yeah, because I was like,

I'll shit myself in the Uber. It was like finding your driver and I was like, you're not. twice rough I fucking love watching you live it's so stupid

this is kind of separate but I want to mention it the other day I was walking down from the train station and my this is insane my bell end

was rubbing on my jeans or something it was like something was like uncomfortable and like I've talked about my foreskin before it doesn't go

all the way over like my bell ends like bare so it was like it was Like someone's just rubbing a shark. Like your bell-hands put weight on into wearing an old shirt. It's just the, just the head's popping out.

It's like, it's like a ball point marker and just rubbing against the inside of it. I was like, God, that's like really uncomfortable. I was like, pressure on it all the time. Well, I was like, oh, I've got a big cock.

And I was like, Oh yeah, then must be, is, is it not being squeam? Have you got a big Willie, honey? I've got, I, do what? I do well. Does well? It takes to the competitions and the wins.

You can answer this honestly. Yeah. You've seen my Willie. Have you got a bigger Willie than me? I saw yours a distance though because I mean in my head it's like that big but you were just far away

a wreck it was a wreck but it was far away you're not fully erect after you've come you're about 80% half massed you got a few minutes I could have hung a coat on it like God a doffin code

I was walking down the road my jacket past Matthew Street so there's like tourists about and I'm like God did like I need to fix myself here and I tried to do it kind of incognito and I pulled I unzipped me Kex had just like

stick my hand and fix myself and the button had come undone on my pants and I basically just unzipped in front of Matthew Street

unsipped my jeans and just grabbed a fist full of cock and bottles and they went oh and then put it back in you basically took us pants off and it's cock and bowled without just grab like a handful

I feel like I just want to make sure are you wearing boxer shorts yeah you wear the wrong on the way for you I've seen a lot of them a lot of them yeah a lot of them don't fit

I have like good pants but when they're in the wash, I actually wear these ones that I bought from Costco. You wear it's like men be able badly underpants. Oh, what I mean? 90s sitcom underpants. Yeah, like they're all baggy and stripy. No, they're not baggy.

They're just... I've seen them, your bollocks hang out of them? That, no, that, yeah, those... I'm wearing those now, actually. Throw them in the bin and buy new ones? No, because they... Men behave and badly underpants is such a great shout, you know? What's the name Neil Bricks?

Neil Bricks. Neil Bricks. Oh, Neely Bricks. And Johnny Mortar. Why do I think his name's Neil Briggs? Neil Morrissey. Pop the builder. There you go, there's the Bricks.

Made so much sense. Neil Bricks and Martin Crohn. And he was with Leslie Graham. Ash. Why do I know that? Why do I know? Because they were like the power couple before Posh and Bosh and Bucks.

It was them and then Poshin Bucks. Yeah, and then didn't he do something? And then, like, Shaglet, Dwight York or something. that's all become, didn't he do something mad? She got Botox and he walloped her, I think. I know she had a big face. Like she got big, she had big lips and that was the thing, wasn't her?

Yeah. She was the first, like lip job gone wrong. Yeah, and I was like, wow, look at them. What did he do? Didn't he do something bad? He had an affair with Amanda Holden. That's the one. Not Dort York.

We're close. And they bonded over the fact they were both with someone called Les. Yeah, and it happened whilst Amanda Holden was with Les Dennis. Wow, imagine your bear. They were Bob the build I had Bob bricks

Fuck that Fuck that It's just ruin cartoons I think he was more known for MDA aben badly Wasn't he? Yeah Can we

Fix it? Yes we can Can we fix this Why don't you take All your kecks All your underpants All your box shorts And bin them

Yeah Okay And then just spend Go to Costco They'll have a range and then just get good quality, comfy, not rubbing on your little semi-bell end, and just restock the underpants.

It's going to cost you 50 quid. The crotch grab pants. Were Costco pants? Pringle pants? No, no, you shouldn't have pants with a button. I think they were emergency pants. Get rid of your emergency pants. Yeah.

Get rid of all your pants. Start again. Well, I've made leaps and bounds because I got rid of all the ones with holes in. I bet you. you've got Kex from about 12 years ago. Yeah. Oh, bro.

Yeah. Do you know what? My pants got an update when we went to Tanzania because I was like, I need, like, cycling ones. I don't want to sweat too much. And then I went through and then I was like, because some of them I was put,

put me pants on and then me bollocks would go through the hole, like a speed bag. Have you who's got pants where you're like, I've got me undies? And then I've got the undies when I've got no undies. Yeah. But all of my undies are there. No, I'm beyond that.

So I've been there. I've been like, eye man but now all of my underwear is of a top draw similar standard so the only three types of underwear I have are Calvin's Nike and Unicloe

they're the literal three that I own as well yeah but they're like millionaires on these no they're not and also you collect they are pretty expensive for undies if you currently like for example Dan's just said he completely restockers undie draw for 50 quid you get three pairs yeah that's I mean you probably get

six yeah you get Jeff Banks there You can go to next. I mean, this would be nice option, but we can't all live like this, right? You can go to next and spend 45 quid, you'll have 18 pairs of briefs. Can you? Yeah, they do packs of fucking six.

They're like 20 quid. So 60, I swear, they are good quality. You get the right fit. Fuck everything else off in the bin. Yeah, if you're redoing Calvins, in my head, you put them in the washing machine, they just blow up. How many total pairs of undies do you think you've got?

40. Yeah, you need, that's how many you need, in it? But I've got two settings. The Reebok, like, underpants that I wear gym, like I'm wearing them now, they're my like gym active, right? And then some standard briefs from next, they are good quality, they're not dead expensive. When are you wearing them?

But they're all the same. That's whenever I've got jeans on, basically. So gigs, whatever. You don't treat yourself to your nice Reeboks when you're in jeans? No, that. maybe this is a bit of my tis, but the, the briefie underpants ones are for,

when I'm being athletic down, when I'm being comedian down, proper pants. Oh, that's it. What? What? How do they mean?

Heart rate. No, I mean, lunging. In the pants, are they, they both butt on at the front. No, no, no, no. They're just,

no, no, they're like boxer briefs that go down to there. Yeah. And then these are like, Can you do anything? Spot it underpants. Can you do anything other than hanging it over the lid

to get your Willie out? Have you got any sort of routine car? I have... When you go to toilet, do you... I never go through. And then put your Willie through it. No.

I always say, it's that you go over. Because when I was a kid, I thought that's what you were meant to do and that's what you were doing. I think that's what you were meant to do. No. No. But you're not put your willie through your jeans, man.

You take the... You do with the... But, but... Kex were, like, underpants were design, boxing shorts were designed for like, you wouldn't want to push these down. Let's have a little door and the mouse comes out. What a lot of shy.

Oh, I thought that was like a little fondle pocket. Ah, the little fondle pocket to fix your box. You're meant to push your wheelie through the both drawers, both windows and then stand there with your belt done up, with your cock out. That's what you're meant to do. The women have a little pussy window in the knickers. The dirty girls do, yeah.

Damn. It's a trapdoor at the bottom. Whoa. I don't think so. Comment below. Sort your keks out. I'll help you. We'll help you.

Come on. Yeah, I will. It's just admin the wall. What are your pillows like? That's a screech. What? Those pillows better be as old as the house and no older.

Tell me you bought new pillows when you bought a home. I mean, Harry, have you got university pillows still? No, no, no, no. Fuck for that. Because I don't got the yellow pillow.

We've all got the yellow pillow somewhere in the house. No. You're successful enough in life that that should be gone. Everyone has the yellow pillow. No, they don't. Carl, you own a successful company and you're well put together. You can't be having a pillow that looks like the shrouded shit in. No.

You can't, mate. If Jesus is showing up in your bed and it's time to go. No, it's exciting though because I don't drink tea, but apparently in the night, I sweat it. It exists in the house. You know what I mean? No. I don't. It smells like the notice.

It's always the comfiest pillow. Isn't it? Come on. It's heavy, in it? There's something about you sweat and you're slobbing on it. That makes it go cold. He's there for the reason. I started seeing a girl and the first time I stayed over at her house, I was like,

oh, the mankiest pillows. By the second time I was like, we are, we're going to go and buy pillows. She was like, I don't need them. Fuck. I was like, for me. Second day pillow buy him? No, we've been seeing each other a little bit. I'm exaggerating.

But I took her to buy pillows because I was like, this is an unacceptable. acceptable state of affairs. Like, the cheapest Argos pillows she got in first year of uni that she's dragged through. She's fucking 25 at the time. I was like, we cannot. I cannot stay over.

Like, the pillows are like, kill me. Barremermermer. I'm in like a weird phase with me pillows. So when I moved in, I bought like this real fucking dense,

why? Like a proper weighty dense pillow. Fethered? Or like a memory? No, it's more like a memory. It's like a mattress is being cut into me. pillow shape.

It's not doing it for me. It's like a bit too firm. Too heavy. The other one I've got, which is really good, is like about half a pillow too thin. I like to stack my pillows. So I need another half one of them.

Yeah, I stack man. And then it'd be right, but it doesn't exist, man. Nice, I'm a stacker. I've gone down from six pillows to four, but I need some, I need a, rotate.

Oh, I only sleep on one of the two. There's only two on the field at any one point, but you need two on the bed. Are you vertical in bed? Moving around. That stands up in bed like that. I have left arm under one of them, sleeping on that,

and the other one is under me right arm. Hold on your day, okay. In between my thighs. A couple of candids. Yeah. Oh yeah, I'm the same. Yeah, yeah. Like you're doing like some kind of like.

Who's foresight, isn't it? A little bit of sleep. Oh, a little bit of sleep. Shall we have a little breaky brew? Yes. Yes. we're back. Where's on your bucket list for travel,

Dan? Oh, well, interesting. I was thinking of Chicago, Philly. Apparently you can do that in a day. And I forgot the other city you just said before we started recording. Oh, Boston.

Why am I a fucking joke to you? That's a bad. That's a bad. Oh, that's pretty Boston. Oh, fucking Boston. I just think of my man. What's his name from the films? Matt Damon.

No, the one. Ben Affleck. Casey Affleck. The other one. That is the other one. He's literally the other one. I love the town. I'm going to rewatch that

for about the seventh time. Honest to God, one of, you know what? Sneaky one of my favorite films ever there. It might be in my top 15. Can I throw another one out there that is in the same,

it's the same feel. Gone baby, gone. Never seen her. Jeez, that's a good film. It's bleaker, but it's fucking so rewatchable. One of those ones that you don't hear everyone bang on around

about, but I think it's fucking great. You ever seen the town? That's Casey Affle. You've seen the town? My dad loved it. I don't think I've ever bothered with it. You'd like it as well.

I think I've had it on. Yeah. Oh, I've been in a room when someone's added on. Anyway. Jeremy Renner. Yeah, he's really good. It's very well cast. He's goose now, and he?

Didn't he have a soak or something? He had a snowmobile crash, I think, or something. Isn't he? Marvel as well, though. What is he? Like, Smokeye or something? He's been Hawkeye for ages. I mean, he's fine now.

He had his own social media for a bit where people could just post pictures of Jeremy. He basically died, didn't he? And came back alive. What news is this that I haven't received? I mean, it's quite old news. Jeremy Renner nearly died in a snowmobile. He did die and they revived him

and he's like, he's talking about like the experience of being dead. Mad. Because he's on the heaven's real honour. Or no, I suppose it takes like two hours to get to heaven so no one really knows. How do you not take two hours? In my head, it does.

You're not just there. Yeah, because loads of people around. they've just died as well. There's a motor to St. Peter. There's at least a stairway. Stairway.

And it's busy because there's loads of people dying. Surely it's an escalator. It's an escalator. I don't feel like you're just in heaven. I don't feel like you are.

When did they do the renovations? On what? On the escalator to heaven? Because it will have been stairs at one point, wouldn't it? Escalators haven't been around for ages.

They've probably been around for longer than you think. 100 years? Yeah, but people have been dying for thousands. Thousands. Thousands. It's like doing an airport up, though, in it?

Like, you have to keep it running. The same time. You can't close the whole airport. That's a great point. God can't close the gates to heaven, even temporarily. It wasn't a snowmobile, by the way. It was a snow plow. Was he in one?

Yeah, I think so. Or maybe you got hit by a snowmol. That name again, it's Mr. Plow. Yeah, where do you want to go down in the world? Because you just name places that we and Adam said. Where in the world do I want? Should we do America? Where I'd like to go in Merica.

Sure. I'd like to see the Saints play at the Mercedes Superdome in Naurlands, but Norlands, it's like one of those places you want to tick, isn't it? That's where we're going next year. That's why I brought it off. The jazz capital? Yeah. Is the best?

Why do I need to travel when I sit next to you so regular? This is what about jazz. Remy Renner experience when he was in the coma. They're all called like Joey on the Pipes and shit, aren't he? Joey on the pipes. It's the best place in America I went to. Yarlans. It's all just, all the bands are cobbled together.

It was like a black feather on a guitar and then this like country girl who's playing the washboard and then like an old man on the drums. Like, like, proxammer man. Yeah, she's jammer, I was just gentleman. I met a lot of Nowlands fans when I went to watch Nowlands, absolutely fucking hump the Miami Dolphins at Wembley and because I did fancy dress people were asking for pictures and they were 100% black no-wilandans people like it was all I just made 25 new black friends got invited over that's the big street in it Bourbon Street that's where I got invited to

it's like they're cornered one over the street there's an old um animal breast routine about in new orleans you can apply for a license to have a parade on 24 hours notice you just go into the police station philadelphia performing. Like, I want to have my own parade tomorrow and like how many people are you expecting, like, 10. And they give you a license and you can have a parade through the streets

on 24 hours noses. That sounds like a special to me. That is a special. We can ever have a word parade on Bourbon Street in Norlands. We have to give them 24 hours minutes. To answer your question, Norleans. That's where I'd like to go. In season, I'm literally not going

if it's not September to December. Because we haven't been playing playoff football for a while. Oh, in football season? Yeah, but if you go in March, everyone's got the tits out. Why? I don't know.

I went in March, never run out of the tits out. There's Mardi Gras, you throw, you throw beads at them. And they go, gotta go for Mardi Gras. Whatever that.

You can watch the football on entirely, brother. Yeah, that's what he's saying. That's not the same. Aside from the States, where do you want to take you and your wife? Thailand. Oh, I don't want to,

I want to take you. No, that's always. That's work, baby. What about? I didn't mean on a work basis. I meant literally on a personal level. I'd like to see Mexico I'd like to, I really would like

to see Mexico. I'm a bit, I'd like us to go to South America but I hear basically you it's dangerous as fucking like Rio and stuff. Yeah, but there's safety in numbers, isn't there's loads of us? Yeah, we just take everyone. Also, people do go to Rio. You know, like, but everyone gets shot or robbed.

No, but nine. Also, if we get robbed I don't want to get shot, but if we get robbed it's just part of the special, isn't it? Yeah, but no, they have the special then, don't they? And they have the equipment to make the special. If they rub the camera, I think that's what they're going to go. That's sort of more valuable

than a camera. Yeah, you walk around with something more valuable. Yeah, you walk around like a million pounds. Right, so I'm walking around Rio with a crown, a gold crown.

No, because they wouldn't think that was real. A gold crucifix because they love a bit of God over there, don't he? Yeah, but a boulealiel. And then do your Brazilian again. Portuguese.

Wait, he was a Brazilian money. Do your Brazilian again. Hellah! Khalah! Ayo! Ahya! Ah! Ah, the Muslims of

Rio. Sadiq's Rio. Sadiq's Rio. What have they got Christ the Deerunter? Redeemer? You've got dog to bounce you under just next. Big fucking... They're doing a bigger one, aren't you? It's like 48 times bigger than... It's ridiculous.

Is it in Brazil or? No, I think it's in Lewisham, South London. They are actually building a bigger one. Yeah, massive. Who? I don't know. Them? What do you mean? Who? The Christians. Is it Lewisham or Brazil?

It's neither. No, the new one. Place of the Medima 2. I think it's Europe. Amsterdam. There's loads of them. There's one in Armenia being built at the moment. There's a new big one.

It's going to stand at 101 metres tall. Yeah, but you're not going for the Armenian Mardi Gras. Hemmrich McAterian would. That was named the only Armenian in his head. Got another? Armand Saru Kian. Oh.

Where's this one that? It's 48 times bigger than Christ the Redeemer that... I think it's in Armenia. I think there's... Yeah. You just said it's 100 metres tall? 101 meters tall. Well, that I mean the one in Brazil's 2 meters tall.

I'm not gone if it's that little, by the way. That's smaller than Peter Crouch. It's not that tall, is it, though? It's 38 meters tall. Is it, isn't it? Yeah, it's not like... You can probably tap them on the head. Christ the Redeemer!

That's 17 Peter Crouchers. Yeah, but it is on a volcano. panic matter. I mean, they've not just put it like in a hole. It's high up in it. Yeah. Yeah, I suppose that adds to it. It's juicing. Yeah. Wasn't there a rumor at one point they were putting swings on his arms? That was our rumor that we did four years ago and put it. Was it? We start believing our own bullshit. Google that. I heard.

From me. Shall we do a question? Disgusting, Harry. You're sitting in for Finn? Oh, sorry, I was Google and Christ, do it again. Where are you? I've looked at the wrong camera.

Harry is not got that time. There's no camera. One more. Come on, Harry. Where you from? Oh, he ruined it on purpose. Tom Walsh's question. All right, lids.

Imagine you get a driving ban. Oh. The worst. That, what? They do quite a lot of things, though. Fucking nightmare. Nightmare. You have to pick

any celebrity to be your personal driver for 12 months. Who are you picking? Vin Diesel. In character, I've seen him drive, man. He can move out of me. We had them in Berlin once. I don't want anyone that's too chatty. Does the Diesel chatty?

Doesn't strike me as a chatty guy, Vin Diesel? Also, does he exist outside of them films? Does anyone know he's actually real, genuinely? It's going to be your fucking driver. Have you ever? seen him, like doing anything except for being in... All he does is he got to have like your parties and get sucked off

and then do a fast in the furious, don't he? Exactly, but they're all in the film. He's like, is he... What does he do? He chats up reporters on his press junkets. Oh, does he? Yeah. He's Vindy his low, honey. Uh, I didn't know.

Wannick Davis. I think that'll be interesting. He's getting like a weekly shout house on this pod. He's earned it, though. He's got a great filmography. I'm going with Helen Midden. Hello. Yeah.

Present day. Well, I just think you know. With allies, aren't we? Yeah. And she'll be cheaper. She's about 78, though. Good driving this, Helen. I said, good driving.

Oh, and gone. We are in the Mersey. Hang on. She's not at the age where you have to speak. She's old. She cannot be. She's fell out with Tom Hardy, hasn't she? She's a bit of a bad con.

She's a big Zionist. Yeah. She's a big Zionist. Yeah. How big? Christ the Redeemer big. That's, 38 meters?

Yeah, she's had made of a, but Tom Hardy tried to get him sacked off her show and then she got sacked off the show or so. I haven't read it but apparently she's another.

Mirren Zazio. Tom Hardy's calling her out for it. Good on you, Tom. Wow. Good on you. Tom Hardy's a secret rapper. Sorry? When he was in uni,

he dropped a rap track, like a mixtape. And then now he's like a secret rapper. He drops songs that sound a bit like him. That's sick. But, like, he, you know, he denies that it's him, but it is him. Doesn't he just go to jujitsu competitions? No, you're thinking of hell of a minute.

Can't be asked. Doesn't he just turn up and, like, batter everyone? Yeah, essentially. Sounds awful. What? He shouldn't be doing that. He just turns out of somebody and batters everyone. No, you absolutely should.

It's a jiu-jitsu competition. Usually he turns up just batters everybody wants. Not the spectators. No, he wins. the tournament, Carl, is what he means. He's not just saying up and going, I fucking kill you. That was great.

That was really good. I'm sorry, Tom, it's invitation, aren't? I go here for fucking beating. Tomoy, welcome to chill. Yeah, I think... This is like the Kanye West through the wire version of Tom Hardy. I don't know how to do it,

but I would, like, not move from me teeth. Respect. Tomo. Hey, yeah. The entire album. You want to work up me, do you? I agree. I really apologize it.

I apologize for a lot of the Drake slate slating that I gave you. You have, since the hip-hop night. He's slowly winning me over. There you go. I'm into it. One of the most successful artists ever. Yeah, I know.

I don't know why I took against the cunt. I think he's because he's a bell-end on when he watches the raptors and I find it annoying. Isn't he even like a bit like overzealous? Am I getting that right? When he's like, court's eye, he's like jumping up.

He's just fucking about. Yeah. Yeah. But they're all like that, aren't he? Like the celebrity basketball fan. fair enough you've paid for your 80 grand seat you're famous it's part of the fun in it with basketball is Walberg doing that though

that like people are falling over and it's like Jack Nicholson like what are you like that's fine Jack Nicholson's fucking screaming isn't he isn't he banned for thinking he's a coach yeah I was banned for taking curry for what? Steph Curry no I thought he was banned for taking curry he was eating corn

what's just taking curry mean? He took a booner to the Lakers or it was the guy the other small guy, the actor at Hollywood. Tom Cruise? Now he's the guy in friends. Barack Davis? No, he's in friends.

He's the fucking... Ben Stiller. No! Danny DeVito. It was Aidermore. And they took a Tupperware of Curry. And they got banned because they were eating curry on courtside,

getting curry everywhere. It's like you. Listen, if you type curry basketball... Yeah, I imagine the... Yeah, it's so hard to find anything other than them. No, type it. I'm sure it was Jack Nicholas.

He was eaten out of a supperware. The golf? Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson. I'm sure it was him. And he was banned for eating out of a Tupperware. Well, I saw Drake acting the twat at the Toronto Raptors won too many times. And then basically Kendrick called him a paedophile.

And I was like, yeah, it probably is. He's annoying. I really, really, really hope the New York Knicks finish out and win. Is it 2-1? It's 2-1, yeah. Well, if Donald Trump doesn't fuck up the vibes at Madison Square Gardens again,

That would be great. I think they play again tonight. I'm just going to cheat it. Yeah, so they play tonight at half one in the morning. I might stay up and watch that because I'm off tomorrow. They're currently two one up. It's obviously first of four. I just want to see what happens to New York

because they haven't won a title since the 70s, is it? Last Nick's title. It's a long time. They were good in the 90s with Patrick Ewing. Do they not win one in like 2000 or something? No, no, no, no, no. Patrick Ewing's good. Knicks were great in the 90s,

but then Jordan was just twatting everyone. Oh, that's, uh, 1970, well, 53 years since the greatest city in the world, won a title. And there's a thing with New York where it's like,

New York likes the Yankees and New York likes the Giants and the Jets and whatever, but New York is a Knicks place. Like, that's the, like, Nickerbocker was the original thing. The New York, Knickerbockers, that's the full name. And for a while,

a knicker was just a, it was another word for New Yorker. Like, it was just like... He's a Nickabocker, see? From the big city? They were synonymous with each other. So it's, I just want to see what happens to New York

as a place if they get a title. Glory? I just want to see it fucking explode. My mayor is Muslim. My bagel is Jewish. My Christian Dior. Nixon for... And then the last one.

so can't be. By the way, that was an onion article. Jack Nicholl. It said it took his homemade chili, but he didn't. It was all made of article. You know what? I've been duped by the best.

We don't like getting fact-checked, do we? Shall we do some low-level conspiracies? Yeah. That'd be a good bar, by the way. What? Like I've gone in a toilet of a nightclub. I've been duped by the best. Oh.

Because he's the best that sell him after shit. Prince. I love this. What was the other one called? Gary? Gary. Oh, like his rival when he was his mate. The Pop World one.

Wasn't that Prince, no? No, Prince was... I see him. Prince was Andy, when he should. Oh, yeah. Did he have bogged turf wars? Yes. No, they were friends.

There was a mutual respect. They never undercut each other's prices. Like the Gambino and the banana crying framish. Yeah. Full disclosure, I've had half of Modafel. Oh, yeah. I feel great. I've been up since 5am.

Why? It's a dangerous game. Just woke up too early. Went to bed too early. Woke up too early. What time just to bed? 9pm. Sleepy sleeps.

Yesterday. Loved it. I had a great time. Record a special. Big day. Hope you enjoy it. Big day. Never stopped.

Felt absolutely bushwhite. Got back and then felt because I'd not been around. I did the sort of like. I did like the bath time and me and Jack went out and played and then I just hit a wall and went to sleep. It's too early. You can't go to bed at 9pm. You can't hung over.

Yeah. I wasn't hung over. So when you woke up, you had them with daffanil. So I woke up, had some caffeine and thought, I'm really going to get through today. And I've slightly overshot it and I'm flying. That might as well have been in a nightclub then. I want to play it again now and just dance.

I want you to talk. I didn't even hear what you were doing because I was vibing me. I got a bit of an early night. so fascinating. Oh, very nice. Well, I had plans after, we filmed a Patreon special yesterday. It's out in July, we think.

Yes. But we won't commit to that, I suppose. Just in case any smells, it goes over long. We, it was good, really good. I think it's going to come up really well. I think what we made is, you know,

a masterpiece. An absolute masterpiece. Oh, well, then what we made was a load of silly bollocks. Oh, no, ours are serious. Oh, right, well, we were comedians. Anyway. I had plans.

So Keelan, my former housemate who used to live with Jack Finnegan, he arranged a steak and beers night for the boys. Boys night, new annual tradition, 9th of June every year. Oh well? Beer and steak night.

Went to meet Argentina. Never been there before. Up there with the best steaks I've ever had. Wow. Got a bone-in rib-eye, 16 ounces. 30 quid. And I didn't even pay for it

because Keelan's dad was in town and he's fucking million. He's not here any? Is he hurt only bucks? No. But he did pay for everything. Keelan's dad came on the boys, the boys' meat night? Kieland's dad is over for a week, so that's why Kieland was like, let's have a steak night with the boys. Keelan's dad

accidentally ordered a 38-ounce sharing stick to himself. Shut up to be honest. A tomahawk. He literally ordered it like this. He went, I'll have a tomahawk, please. And then it arrived and he went to him to T-bone. He was like, yeah, it's a different answer, can you?

Yeah. That isn't on the store. staff. It was really good and then after there we went to Thomas Rigby's for a pint and I think we got maybe the first four Guinness they'd pulled that day because normally a good pint in there and it was really bad and it just put me off having another one so I just went home and me dog he was all tired because he'd played with your dog and Pez all day

so he just fell asleep on me and I just went to bed at like 10 o'clock yeah I was exhausted yesterday I feel great you've had drugs yeah but I will need an afternoon nap and I might have it on pod Zander Pugh What a name Said it before Zander with an X

It is Zander Pugh says Low-level conspiracy Adam wants to keep The Low-Level conspiracy Suspiciously Low-Level What's he trying to hide Or who is he trying to protect

Zander Pugh With the important questions Unbelievable Who is he in the big pocket of Big Conspiracy I don't think it last I'm in the big pocket You know the small pocket

Be able to get out of a big pocket Lodging in the small pocket of small conspiracy. Paddyo says, low-level conspiracy. Hines pay Mackies to not stock mayo so kids don't discover it and keep ketchup sales high. Hines have their own mail? Shut up, Padillo.

When I get Mayo, I know I get Helmonds, actually. It is mad that they don't do Mayo though. It's a pretty standard condiment. Not in the UK. They do it elsewhere. Yeah. They love it in Belgium. Yeah, totally half. Mayo munchers in Belgium.

Belgian meat. Oh dear. Husbands? Do you have it with the frits? Yeah. So I went to... I do love with a mayo with the chips.

They don't have it often, but they go, wow. Well, they have... I'm in Belgium. They have like buttery mayo and then they have like samurai, which is like mayo for Africans. No, it's like kimchi.

Apparently. No, it's... It's mayo with loads of chilies in that the... It's not Mayo for African. It's the African communities of Belgium have made samurai sources of the fellas said. The Senegalese. Yeah.

That was a guess. Yeah, they just love it. I do like a mayo. But yeah, I wonder why they don't do my... I'm not a big fan of mayo with chips me. I think it's like... It's like putting like yoghats and your yogh the two similar.

Also, just cut the middle of mine out and stick it in your milkshake. That's what you really want to do. They do. No. Do chips. Why don't you ever? You've worked there.

You've seen the fucking big pocket. You know the industry. You know Ronald. You've seen all behind the scenes. I have seen all behind the scenes. The fridge is not. Why? Surely you, because you knew the inner workings

like the secret of customers, isn't there? Let me know you know. Yeah, every member of staff at McDonald's and I always had the secret customers way because, the big part of how you get evaluated as a member of staff. So why do you not know about mayo? Are you keeping big mayo?

Are you part of this? Yeah. You're very quiet, arms crossed. They have mayo on their burgers. They just don't do it in sashes. Exactly. They have my chicken sandwiches. Oh, they do? They have it on the chicken...

Chicken mayo. Yeah. On the name? Chicken mayo. Famously. They put it in the tile. They're hiding in food. And their old chicken sandwiches.

Old chicken legends. There used to be a mayo and a salsa option. But chicken sandwich sauce, not mayonnaise. Don't know what it is. Wow. But it was like its own thing. The plot thickens.

Charlotte Barton says, Waghaggwagliance. Got a low-level conspiracy for you. I'm just assuming she doesn't sound Jamaican. Charlotte Barton. Saying that, like Chris Ewell doesn't sound Jamaican,

but he is. It doesn't sound Jamaican when he talks. I think that the crisp companies intentionally make grab bag crisps taste nicer than the multi-pack crisps. They do this to get people who have bought a one-off grab bag to invest and buy a multi-pack

based on the strong flavour, but don't actually make them that flavour-sson in an irregular pack to save money somehow. I swear that salt and vinegar squares are way more flavour-sum in a grab bag and never taste as good from a multi-pack, love the pod.

A big bag, and I've spoken with these Joe, Monster Munch Giants, like the big bag. the bigger version of that it's a different crisp to the little version the little version has less fluffiness it's a bet she's right this is a fact this is the conspiracy

I'm sold it's true can Smith's stroke walkers start doing squares ready salted multi-packs please I get it salt vinegar so much better salt vinegar is great but if you prefer a ready salted square the goat of my crisp selections

like just give us a fucking multi-pack I bought a ready a tube of ready salt of pringles, are they? Felt a bit wild and new, they're great. Redy salt of crisps, I think I matured earlier than both of you. I think I matured that, like, as a teenager,

used to childhood trauma and all the fucking in year one. Yeah, he was shagging, everybody was like, I'm old, no. You know, when you're fucking 12 years old, shagging 23-year-old daughter-a-dontas, you really, you know, you grow up quite quickly. Sign up to Patreon. I don't know what happened.

I don't think I'll have much mystery there, did I? Ready salt or crisps I'm telling you Like they're probably top five I can also eat six back to back And not even taste them really Because they're just chips Yeah but I can't need six back to back

It's a bag of chips Yeah Really thin chips Cold chips Sounds shite actually What are your thoughts On salt and shake though I like to put in

I'm not doing fucking up Me miss skin at me Salt and Shaker good If you've got a salt Cellar with you And don't just use the packet They give you Because the pack

You would need 15 of them packets they give you to make the crisp salty enough. I sort of think... But salt and shake, you can put your own salt and pepper on and you make salt and black pepper in the gym. There's like a pub snack tradition

and I think it's down south and I can't remember why I saw it that, because they sell like pickled eggs in some like old school pubs, don't they? You put that in a ready salted bag of crisps and just fucking deck the shit out of it and then you just eat...

That would taste nice, I imagine. You just eat crisp egg. Jesus. I caused murder on my Instagram story last week. because I got a pint of Guinness and a packet of McCoys and I said I think it's pretty hard to beat

as a pint crisp combo meat and beer I'm just wondering whether you've never been much of a pintsman have you like a little pint like sitting in a pub solo watching the world go by

with a bag of crisp like Guinness I mean I have done it in my life but I don't think I'm known for it and I haven't ever done it to a level where you'd be like well Dan What a great selection.

A fucking pint of stella. If I was doing that, I would get a meaty... And frazzles. With Guinness. If I was having a beer or a stout, whatever it is, I'd have a meaty crisp in the pub. So my favourite crisps to go with a pint of Guinness is beef monster munch.

Yeah, it's a meaty crisp. Genuinely. It goes like cheese and wine, do. It's like it's made for it, right? But I think, you know, what if you get an IPA? Because then I think Thai sweet chicken comes in. McCoy's. This is like a working class.

version of like the recommended wine on a menu in it. Totally. Yeah. It should be a crisp. Oh by the way, if you're going to get that, that's the best crisp. Just open a bag of of monster much. I mean the best combo is Cobra and a Popperdon. That's an excellent shout. A VAR'd someone the other day

because they suggested pork scratchings and they're not a crisp but I probably should have opened it up to all snacks. I do think pork scratchings probably go best. Not that I'd ever drink it, but like a real ale. What about a nut? A knobby's nut? What about it? Alawful. flavor, though.

The flavour matters, done it. Let's go with like a chili. So I think that, I think that goes with an IPA. Really? With an Indian pale ale because, like,

spicy, spicy people. Right. I think once, I think once I'm in to clear the palate, if I've got a spicy, fresh,

knobby's nut. Yeah. So I'm so fucking with like, I nearly messaged you. I nearly messaged you. I nearly messaged you. I nearly messaged you.

Like that. I typed it out and then I got a message. You forgot. And then it was too long. or fruley and a cheese cake to your thing and then just forgot to press. Just to see what people

pitch folks. Apparently Guinness and Scampi fries are the best. I haven't tried it. Yeah. Jack Finnegan sent me that. I called them in a year. We put a pole up

and literally 50, 50 people said they'd prefer scampi and 50% said the McCoys. What the girl's snack on in the booza? Yogurt. They love Greek yogurt. They just always got it in the pocket.

Greek yogurt and Prosecco. You see it all the time. Yeah, that would be once. I'd love that. I'd love an apparel, but I haven't gotten any yoga. Classic women. We know them because we're allies, remember? And this is smooth, by the way.

Well done, Matthew O'Neill for emailing this in and then having me accidentally put in the order. Waguan lids, my low-level conspiracy, all the digital jukeboxes in pubs play absolute shite on purpose to make you pay to change the track. Was just in one on Sunday, and it's blasting out bass hunter while people are having a roast. people would pay for what they want

and as soon as their request is done it's back to pure shy that's great because if I was the boozer owner I'll be like put shit on the jukebox annoy them they'll stay hopefully and they'll change it I like that often the jukebox won't be owned by the pub

someone will put the jukebox in and be like hey we'll provide you with music you never have to worry about it and we make the money off that we'll pay you a little for a dropsy for it being there I'm thinking of putting my money into vape then the machines. This is where you're investing?

That's already sourced. Billy's sorting out, honey. This is with the... Billy's already by the way with all the money. Barry. Oh, Billy Barry. Don't buy into the... Why?

Because the vapes are horrible. So what? I'm not going to smoke with them. I'm just going to fucking make the money off all the fucking idiots who are. Also, so is arms to Rwanda, but we're making money off that. That is true. If I get a vape machine in every poor bin Liverpool, I could be making thousands. You're selling this as a product?

It sounds like you're selling that If I pod, I could be making thousands I'm thinking of investing in some vape vending machines Right I mean they already exist So they are in a few pubs aren't they Yeah but I've got more connections than the most You've got more connections than the vape

Vap vending machine people that have already got them in pubs Yeah He goes to more pubs that don't have them in I can go to them And where are you going to create the vending machines Are you going to buy them? Where are you going to get them from? Does the vendor machine website

Are they the ones already providing And you're the other ones, the other pubs. No, no, no, no. You can get your own. Oh, right, and then you buy the vapes. I'm telling you, yeah, this is where all the money is. Rowie vapes. I'm going to put one in here as well.

No, don't, because Julian will have 400 vapes and probably turn to a big fucking pineapple. Exactly, and then guests can come in and be like, do you want to buy a vape? Do you? There you go. 100 quid of all the fruits to pick. No, vapes.

Fuck vapes. In Germany, they have meat vending machines, just like sausage and that. Order. Order. They're got butchers, they don't. My mate's dad was having a barbecue,

like a family barbecue, and they were like, we ran out of meat. And all the shops were closed because it was on these to go to the meat vending machines. How often do they change them? I assume often.

Hourly, probably. No, because it's like cured meat. It's like cured meat. Oh, right. Maybe. I don't know. That's like German. I don't know anything about meat.

No, it's in a vending machine. Fucking June. I told you about the girl, the palsy ones in Japan. Book yourself a gyal. Yeah, but she's not living in the machine, is she? No, she lives in the world. Oh, right.

That'll be a big machine. Japanese people are smaller those. Yeah, that's true. It's just, that's the deceptive, isn't it? What's happening? Movie theatres. My conspiracy with them is that they make the steps going up to the different row,

slightly higher, lower, and a bit further back, so you can't judge your footing properly in the dark. You'll misjudge your step, drop your popcorn, all over the gaff and then you have to buy new ones whilst feeling like the biggest twat ever. The Liverpool 1 Odeon is notorious

for having these shite steps. They do have mad stairs, don't they? It's like, whoa, long and small stairs. That's why I smuggle my own stuff in. They have like jazz stairs. Like everything's just a bit different than what came before. I mean, hang on.

If they're equally spaced out. The longer, the world, not some of them are longer than others. Are they like two steps? Oh, if they're doing two, three, two, one, two, three. No, so it's like, like this one will be like that. And the next one up is like that big. And then you back down to that.

And then it's like dead long. Because of the width of the aisle. To be fair, I find all stairs like that. The ones in my house are like that. No, they're not. They're not. They're not stupid feet. They're not stupid feet. They're just challenged.

Stupid legs. Crazy legs. Sexically, a crippled. Stupid legs. The ramp down to Oral Park train station. which I may or may not go to often has like a little step in the ramp which is basically like if people in wheelchairs

want to get on the train they are committed they can't get back up it just goes I could be a conspiracy and then if they have a little ticket you can find them one more from Kevin Hodgson low level conspiracy for you who's opening an umbrella indoors

being bad luck is a lie perpetuated by big umbrella to sell more umbrellas if a wet umbrella is closed it'll eventually get all mouldy and foisty. So you'll throw it out and have to get a new one. Foisty? I mean, I...

Kev, you use the word foisty. Too sure. The way open an umbrella and doors does feel like so... It's not wrong with it. It's fine. If you do it, you're like, God. What am I? Oh, my God!

Someone just lied when you were a kid. It's not bad luck. It's because they don't fit out of normal doors. It's all it is. It's also probably like, don't get the room, the womb. Don't get the room wet. Don't open an umbrella in the window.

Don't get my womb whip, boy. If anyone goes, you can't open an umbrella indoors. I think lesser than forever. But that is true. Apparently it comes from ancient Egypt. It was a fuck you to the sun god to open an umbrella inside.

That's what I do. Who's the sun god? Who's the sun god? I've only got the... Salah. Christ. Fuck you, Christ. The famous Egyptian god.

Christ. Horace. Ra. Ra. Fuck you, Ra. You're playing with the big boys now. Raw, close a fucking umbrella. Favorite one here.

I'm going to read them out again. So there's Adam is part of the small conspiracy. I like that one. Second one. Can't remember. You're in front of you then? No, not deleted him again. Test control Zand four times.

No, you just fucking remember them. There's the jukebox. The jukebox. The jukebox. The crisps. Do you know what it's the crisps one? I like that one because I actually believe in it. Speaking of crisps, time.

for a break. I'm starving. Smooth. Bella Hull is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hi everyone. Maybe the best cardigan in the studio's ever seen. Oh, thanks very much. I feel like I look like I live on the beach and I make dream catchers. Yeah. I quite like, you guys all dress really well, actually. I have something I've noticed. What is the, what are they? What are these? They kind of look like...

Love arcs? It looks like little willies. Yeah, it looks like testicle cancer, doesn't it? It looks like I wouldn't say the second bit, but it looks like... Yeah, yeah, 100%. I think this is a really good. Do you know, like a blot test that a psychologist gives you it? You're seeing Willie, she's seeing bollocks

and I'm seeing love arts. I'm seeing very inflamed and infected balls, actually. And that's why you bought her. Yeah, that's why I bought it. I want you guys to feel like I'm here for you and I'm aware of the kind of things that you go through. We're allies to the, you know, to womankind. To woman kind.

It doesn't really feel like it sat on this sofa when you're all like interrogating me for massive bloke. ask me questions. I like this. I like this studio though. Thanks for having me. No, thanks for coming in. Yeah. It's nice to be here. I'm in a terrible state actually. Why? I'm pregnant. Are you? No, I'm just kidding. I wanted a strong start though.

Wow. That would be awesome, wouldn't it? If I came and I'm fucking pregnant, I've got no idea who the dad is. Because that'd be class. Especially if you preempted it with I'm in a terrible state. I'm in a terrible state. I have some awful new breaking. Yeah, guys, I'm pregnant FML. That would be good. be a good clip.

Would it be a terrible state? What, if I was pregnant? Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm not really in the right position to have a baby at the moment. I live with Dan Tienan. Yeah, don't do that. Papa Dan! I don't think it's a good environment for a kid, you know?

Why? Dan could have kids. Yeah, Dan could have kids. We actually really want to get a cat at the moment. Do that first. Yeah, we really want a cat called Grandma. That would be a good name. Or like a black cat called Ombudsman.

Well, that'd be quite a good. So what happens when someone comes around and you say the black onwardspans upstairs? I may go, why? You go into cat? Didn't you have a bit about calling a dog, grandma? Years ago. It was Ralph. It was calling her...

Oh yeah, Ralph? Yeah, because you call it back and it sounds like you're trying to speak its language. Wasn't there a bit about like, it's like calling a grandma, like dad, grandma's on the couch again? It's like, we'll get it off. She knows she's not allowed on there. Well, if I did write that bit. I've co-cane myself out of the memory. I've got bits of my head that you've said that you don't remember.

It's great. If we could all do a writing session, I can do a new tour. You don't have your Burton bit, do you? I love a Burton. Whenever I used to see that name, I'd say, I love a Burton, and that's what you said? Yeah, but I can't do that bit, because Burton's is closed down, isn't it?

No, but you forgot that bit exists. Burtons was a shot. For men who wanted to look like they hadn't given up, but fully fucking hard given up. Like, Giacomo? Is that? Jack I'm always fat Burtons. Right, okay.

It was old by Top Man though. It was top man though. It was the male Dorothy Perkins. Yeah, Dorothy Perkins. Yeah. Were you big Top Man men? No. They're like really, really skinny tie like a pencil. I don't know whether you can tell just like they didn't really fit.

Like their double XL was like a normal medium, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. So there was like one T-shirt. I remember going on there with you and we started the Adam Rowan Atts folder. Yeah. That's where we started that. All the hats were too small for me head. Everything was just too skinny in there.

Do you have a big head as well? Oh, enormous, like problematic. Like a loaf. Big skull. There's a... Like a loaf. Let's hope it's skull. If it's anything else, there's major...

I've got a long head. A long head. The reason you're looking at me like doesn't look that big is width wise. The dimension of it. That's fine. If you look at this. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he ever becomes king, stamps are massive.

Yeah, definitely. They're going to have to have stamps in like A2. Yeah. I am ordered a hat. a custom hat on a hat website. Wow. And I told the guy, I was like, my head is 61 centimetres.

And he said, I'm going to make it 62, so it definitely fits. Wow. It came. It's too small. So either my measuring equipment's bad or so's is. Or your ends grown in a week. Is that a custom hat then?

This? No, this is off the rack. That's off the rack. Well, congratulations that you found one. Thank you. It's adjustable. Do you have wide feet? as well?

I have feet that sort of disagreeing with each other. 100% on one. Israel, Palestine. Huh? Yeah,

one's going one way and one's going completely the other way. Like the head of Merlin and Tom and Hardy of feet. Yeah. I was nearly good. I'm so nearly good.

You know what was like almost a sexual awakening for me as a kid was like going into Clarks and having my foot like measured with the little tape? Do they do that anymore? I don't know.

So intimate. Maybe if it was so, it felt. And it pressed in on your foot. Oh yeah. And they pressed in the little plastic thing that came on your toe. Oh, that was good. Because it was gentle.

If you come on your toe, it's quite sexual. Sorry? If they come on your toes, that's quite sexual. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Less of a sexual awakening, more of a massive incident. Yeah, more of a molestation that should be reported. I've never had my feet measured, like, professionally. Maybe I'm not a size.

Really? You should look into it. But I've both choose the same size for about 20 years now. I think I'm all right. Yeah, if you go into Clark's and get your feet measured, Especially with September so soon, it will look insane because it's all school children for this. September 11th was coming to pick your seat on. Yeah, you don't get your feet measure for 9-11.

People ask questions. I got my feet measured for Kilimanjaro, and he told me that if my feet were straight, I'd be a seven and a half. But they're gay, so gay. Gay as they're gay feet. You can't climb Killing high heels, can you? So I should be a seven and a half,

but because they go off at an angle, I'm actually a 12. Wow. I've never noticed you're a size 12. Yeah, that's weird. What, because your foot is like diagonal? Like, I can show you if you want. We've done that.

Yeah, go on. Get it out. Yes, but maybe for the Patreon. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see. They're not, they're not sexy. Wow, those are big diagonal. Oh, move your apple ties. They look.

They don't. Yeah, I guess they do go out a little bit. Yeah, they look like a UK-9. You've got DVian little trotters there. 12, yeah? Yeah. Wow. It would be a seven,

but I have to wear size 12 shoes to get them on. Wow. On the side of the feet, there's just that much car. Huh? Shoehorn, that's quite a good. I have got a shoehorn. I've never used it.

By the way, can I talk about shoe horns? You can. Please do. People who have shoe horns expect everybody else to have always used the shoe horn and know how to use a shoe horn. They just hand you here.

Yeah, so the other day, I was buying a pair of footy boots and, you know, I put my fingers in, and then I ripped the skin off my fingers That's what you do. Yeah. He went, you want to use a shoe on? I was like, oh, why have you said that?

Because now I have to pretend to know I was to use a shoe on. How wrong can you get it, Carl? But it was only a little shoehorn. What? I like a long shoe on. I put the shoe on it, and I just, the shoehorn just fell into the boot.

But then I didn't want to tell a fella that I didn't know what I used. So I just went, they don't fit, then me. There's a shoe horn in them. Really uncomfortable. He's like, yeah, I was like, oh, please don't do the shoe on thing. He's like,

and I don't, would he slip on footy boots? Yeah. Oh, okay. Good. Hi. That's that with an incredulity where I thought Carl was going to be

the butt of the joke. But apparently, I don't know footy boots anymore. I recently bought a pair of whiskey-toned suede tassel loafers. Of course you did. Obviously. You dress very smart. Thank you.

Yeah, you've got good leather, lots of leather goods. I have got a lot of leather goods. He's got good leather. And the woman gave me the shoe on. and I put it in, but like, I didn't know what to do with my hand, and it didn't feel like there was enough space for me foot. Yeah. So I used a shoe, very rare combo of the shoe on and the finger.

Wow. You lose your finger doing that, mate. Wow. Double parked in there. Yeah. And, I mean, I bought the shoes, so it's damaged them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, stop.

I had to buy them shoes and then get a in, so this is how why my feet are. I tried the size, whatever, I've got a nine maybe. And they were too big, but the eight and a half were like way too small. So I had to buy a nine and put half a insoling. Here's a lovely bartender. By the way, this looks horrendous.

She is the dog sitter. She isn't our maid. No, it does look like very like there's gender roles. The only other girl is. There's severe gender roles happening. Yeah, the only women are like serving drinks or like sitting on a sofa like this. That'll be all, Julia.

She's just the only lady who was free because everyone's working on here. That's all. I love, there's so many dogs here and I'm the fourth one to arrive. Is that good? Is that a good, Gians? How many people demand cocktails when they arrive?

You're the first. Yeah. After saying you're pregnant as well. Oh, my God, Julia. Is everything all right at home? Oh, lad! Don't worry, it's meant to fizz like that. It's meant to...

It's not meant to fucking take off a layer of skin. It's Polish? Is it strong? Oh, it's not Polish gin, is it? No, it's too Polish. No, but the Polish, by the way, Julia's Polish. Right. T.

Dad just not, no, though. She's birthday in. She just have a little. Chatas off of the door. Tony, like, does it? Do you like it? Wow.

I love it. Wow. Okay. It doesn't feel that strong to me. We have to have different drinks. That has to be a different ginatonic. Otherwise, Mm.

This is a young. It's a problem. It's lemony and, mm. The Polish love a bevy, don't they? Especially a white spirit. Yeah. They love a clear spirit. A vodka, a gin.

With the mixa. Yeah, they're not into wine, are they? No. There is a really good vineyard in Poland, though, probably. And they get a vintage, like, every sort of ten years, but when it comes out, it's fucking, yeah. Sorry to bring it back to feet, but it's just something I'm really passionate about.

Are any of you on Wiki feet? Sorry? No. You're not. What's your feet? We know somebody's on it, don't we? I'm on a website for famous men who've been circumcised. Are you?

I'd suggest I'm pretty low down the sort of like A-Z-L list, but I'm on it. When did you get circumcised during lockdown? 1980. My wife did it. Cut it off. It's got a bread of no foreskin. You're going to need to get that done, you know, Harry. Forskine?

Yeah. No, mine fits great. It doesn't fit. But you've got a four skin or a three skin? Yeah, it's like a three point five. It's like a three point five skin. It's like a snood. Mm-hmm.

Like my head pops out just to say hello. Yeah, 100%. It's fine. It sounds like a five skin. It's kind of like a labiaplasty, but for men, isn't it? Yeah. That's how they described it to me as a seven-year-old. Don't worry, young Daniel.

It's a labiaplasty for men. I was like, sad. Did you go to Turkey for it? Yeah, I got, I got turkey, dude. Is a labiaplasty like a, like tucking in or is that like lip filler? No, so I think a labiaplasty is like, it's like giving your,

it's like giving your labia like a short back and sides. Yeah, they don't make the labia bigger. That's not a thing. I think Liddy Phillips got one. Yeah. She did. Yeah, you kind of think you're not adding. I think it's if your flaps are sort of like, you know,

you're having to put them in a messy barn or whatever, you know, it's like, you can like, give them a little trim. Let me just tie these ones. Like, when they do that, for good time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When you're having to do that. I think ladies... If you need a scrunchy, it's time. There's a certain level of dangle that gets... I think it can affect someone's confidence. Unless you're looking for the dangle and then you can just add to the labia. There's a new procedure that I think we should look into.

We know, and I mean, they've said this publicly, so we could name them, but we won't just in case they don't want us talking about their labia without their permission. We've no idea what's coming next, Rob Thomas. It's great to be here, guys. It's great to be here, guys. Ella. We're allies.

All right. So I'm not sure if this woman wants me to talk about her labia without permission. Adam knew one of the names of periods before.

It was dead impressive. It's not idiots. It's the phase. You fucking child. One of the names of periods. Brer. My like her. He's currently in the Luteal phase.

So I've been very supportive of her by just getting out the house and leaving her to do what she needs to do. Yeah, leave her alone. Is she full of rage when she's in that phase? She is, but it's self-aware rage.

So she's being annoying but she knows it so she calms herself down. Yeah, that's why. I do, I'm like full of vitriol and rage, but I'm like, there's a secondary commentary happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Since I've started drinking this gin and tonic, I've started ovulating. So it's ally. Who's woman's lady and he's not, but all in. Is it Rob Thomas? Has Rob Thomas got massive flaps? We know a couple and, uh, the lady approached her

man partner. Yeah. And said, me not talk like no more, no more. Your man partner. My flap or dangle? A chopy chop. Your dangle flaps. She's Cameroonian. She basically went to him and was like, I'm thinking of getting a little pussie talk. And he went, but I love it just the way it is.

And he was really against the idea of they're getting a new one. And then she got the new one and he was like, actually love it. Right, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, and I know this person? Yeah, you do.

I know this person. I've guessed this person. Come on. Yeah. You got it. Have I? You have? Are they a couple

That we know We know three couples Ellie Ellie did get waxed the other day though Not the same Annie Well she said that She said that they did their ass as well Yeah they do

Wow And she was like Well they didn't ass plastic What's that? What even is that? You're not supposed to have ass flaps at all She was like She was like it's mad

Because like a fart just had nothing to go by Have you ever had the lymphatic drainage? Have I ever had what? Limphatic drainage. No, but I'd bloody love one. Apparently, so my partner gets them. She says they're very, very, what's the word? Like, not sexy, but like quite intimate. Interesting, okay.

Yeah, I'd quite like to get drained. You can get those, like, drips that give you magnesium. Yeah. There's all of these, and apparently makes you feel amazing. Yeah, Dave Chappelle. What have I watched where Dave Chappelle takes everyone to get drips and IVs? That's why I want to, I think you should get up to that level. level of fame and boozing.

Yeah, that'd be good. That was planned. You just didn't like the strength of it. Julia, can we have another G&T? Proto! Weaker! In fact, that's sexist. Jack, make me a G&T. Please.

Big man. God, I wish I hadn't come on this. I need to ask for Angela. She's not in. She's the cleaner. Angela's dead. Right, let's get that tidied up and then we'll be right back.

Wow. I was quite intimidated to come on this podcast, but everyone's got dyspraxia. So it's sort of amazing. No, he actually has. Do you? You have dyspraxia? I've been,

the lads have diagnosed me. Bella. Yes, he has. I've not been diagnosed, but to the point where the dyspraxic community have welcomed me with open. Have you got food on any of your clothes? What are your symptoms of dyspraxia?

I volley a lot of juice. What does any of that mean? You've folly a lot of juice. So like, it kicks strings over a lot. Yeah. Well, for ages, we were, We moved into our new house and we didn't have like a, he's actually taking the paint.

Like it's very rare that, it's very rare that it's very way. It doesn't have food on them at some point. Have you got food on you now? Right. Spillage. There's not a chance you haven't got any on your top. I think I was dead careful.

Interesting. Nothing on your top. That's good. Every time I've gone out for food with Dan, I've spilled it on myself. And our bed's just covered in juice. Right. You're drinking lot of juice in bed?

And curry. Oh, I love eating in bed. I eat all my meals in bed. Thank you. All of them. By the way, I do. You live in a shared house. I know, I do.

So that is allowed. He owns his property. He's brought you a sippy car. Because you're, Dan, you're quite funny about food, aren't you? He is quite funny about food.

You don't like... You've seen my work. Now, now it's like red carp. That's kind of like a Kanye West song, isn't it? I got Cody on my bed last night and I genuinely thought of you. Wow.

That's so sweet, thank you. For about two years. I've done on a fucking hallmarked up. There you go. That's a driving gin and tonic. I feel that curry in the bed's absolutely fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other day I walked into Dan's room

and he was just asleep with like no bed sheets on anything. Dan Taining. And just a few loose chicken bones just on top of the duvet. Oh, we dirty. And he went, don't come in here, you'll get ill. Dirty man.

He is dirty, but he's lovely. Oh, he's brilliant and we love him. And I love him. But I eat a lot in bed. You know what I'm really, for like about two years every single day. I used to live above a Sainsbury's, and I would go and I would get chicken broth and mash,

and I had this massive bowl, and I would just microwave the mash, dump it in, microwave the broth, dump it in, mix it together, big, like, lumpy potato cement juice, and I would just drink that in bed. Are you like a babusha-bush? You drink mash. Yeah, I am.

You'd drink mash in bed. I would make the mash more wet with broth, and then I would just like skull that in bed. That is absolutely. Is that upset you? Pants. Do you fancy a Dan basis food of The Bella Hall special?

Oh, that is second-hand Dan versus food. We are doing a Dan versus food of chicken broth mash in the second half. That is a spectacular. No, I'll retire from comedy. That's how that'll go. Wow. Because the last Dan versus food you liked it, didn't you?

Yeah, one in six. Yeah, you like it. You might like the chicken brothmash drink. I'm telling you right now. It's delicious. And it's cosy, especially when you're under the duvet, you know? Under the duvet. Yeah, under the duvet.

Just have a little bowl then. You're just sipping on it. You're under a duvet drinking broth mush. Yeah. Did you call it mush? Like you're from Bradford? No, it's a broth mush. It's a broth.

Yeah, I'm drinking a broth mush under a duvet, yeah. Oh, God. I don't think you're ready for a baby. You don't think I'm ready for a baby. I do feel like if I produce breast milk, I just have a feeling that one of my... tits will be fizzy. Like I can't...

I like that. One of each. No, I think I have one still in one spot. Yeah, yeah, one of each. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like at Nando's. Yeah. I can't explain why.

It's just a feeling that I have. It's just a feeling that I know. Right. You're lefty. Yeah, I think the left will be fizzy. Do you know what? I thought that as well. Like, I think of five...

Yeah, left will be fizz. Yeah, yeah. You've eaten at so many restaurants, there'll be a still and sparkling option. Yeah. Brilliant. Limitless, you know. I'm looking forward to it.

I can't imagine like having breastfeeding a little girl, though, because I just feel like it would be like queer baiting. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, my wife said that. Who are you baiting? Who are you baiting?

Huh? Who are you baiting? You know what queer baiting is? It's like when you like pretend to be, when you like act gay. Who's acting gay? You? I guess me when I'm breastfeeding my little girl.

This is gayness. Some sparkling. Yeah. I was breastfed. I'd love to have a little boy. I was breastfed. Yeah. Off my mother's teeth because I'm straight

and so is she. What? Yeah, but apparently it's better in it. Like it's more nutrients in the... Yeah, breast is best. I don't think I was breastfed. I think she squidged into a bottle and then fed me from the bottle. Yeah, same thing.

That's still fit. Yeah, but you're in the pocket pocket of big tit there. Yeah. I wish I was. It's less good though, because when you're sucking directly on the breast, you specifically. The saliva gets passed into the breast

through the little holes and then the female body does like a little survey so if the baby's ill then the milk the next day will be a completely different colour because it's got way more like antibodies and stuff in it. Well because if you eat curry you get curry milk don't you? Yeah, exactly. Men are so useless.

Yeah, men are useless. So actually it's worse to pump and then feed because your little saliva should be going into the little holes on your mum's tit and then getting feedback. So that like the little milkmen who live in a chest could be like, we need this one to have calcium in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It all, us. Exactly. Broca, add a brokker. Little milkman that live in my mum's chest. Did you have got your last tits? Yeah, thanks, Scott. Just checking. Not every baby will latch on.

Etta, an absolute nipple monster. Right. Jack, not so much. Right, wasn't bothered. Wouldn't latch. Wouldn't latch. A little bottle baby. When we were a caveman, he would have died.

Yeah. That's what I told him. But he was two months old, and he refused to listen. Ignorant, little shit. How long do you think? I was in the park, like, couple years ago, and I saw someone breastfeeding their kid and their kid was standing up.

And I just, that's too long. You sure it was wasn't a small couple? Huh? Was it a small couple? They could have been a half. Yeah, it could have been a normal couple. Yeah, it could have been a normal couple. Yes.

My death, I'm keeping going, uh? Yesterday, I saw John Ed's, having sex. Pooh? I'm going to stop you right there. I tell you right now. She has never heard the word John Ed before in an entire life.

John Head? John Head? I think I know him. My father went to school with him. He owns the pub. No, a John... That was my head master. It's not John Head. John Ed. John Ed is

a modern day scally. A chav. What's a... A chav, okay. Gosh, I'm receiving quite the education. Welcome to the North. I'm scared. Again, in the gap where he sits, smoking weed,

she was on his lap. And then I was walking towards them. And she was, you know, fondling. I was like, oh, I was tired yesterday. I don't want to watch John Ed's have sex. Too tired. But if you had a full night's sleep. You need a pull up.

If you're going to watch that. I was like, I'm finit. What are you doing, please? And then she saw me kind of huff. And then, like, jumped off. Genuinely. Right. I was like, I didn't need that.

She sighed. And then she thought, no, I went. I was like, I don't want to see this and she went... She got embarrassed. She like jumped off as well.

But if you made a different noise if you've been like, oh, then she would have just carried on. She'd be like, faster! Yeah. But it was just in the middle, it was like five o'clock in the afternoon in the middle of town.

Yeah, well, on a bench. On a bench and she was on top. Gosh. It's out of order in it, but you seem like a bit of a boring old group. But if they're homeless, they've got nowhere else to thought. No, they weren't homeless.

They were johnets. Maybe they've got like a voyeuristic tendency. Maybe they're into it. Yeah, not five o'clock on it. What afternoon? Yesterday? On a yesterday. Have you never gone for a little outdoor folk session? Not in town, dressed as a Johnette, no.

Not even on Halloween? No, maybe. Yeah, maybe. I done it in a castle. Wow. He was on a wedding. But it was in a castle and I felt good. I've done it in Delamere Forest.

Wow. What on the forest floor? Just up against the tree. God, good for you. A bear. Like blue from the journal book. Okay, I didn't realize when you were all bloody legends. I saw two crackheads having sex

During the 2010 World Cup We had a flat It was quite high up And they were banging by the canal So me and my flat mates blew our Vuvuzailas at them Wow And they stopped And they were fumat

And they scattered like pigeons Yeah he was great You can tell he was like Fucking out Let's get me hands away I'm not trying to vuvuzail That stopped me having sex No

All right What about a shoehorn If someone had to be a shoe on Wow You've ruined those No, I'm dropped it in. You said to Bella then, welcome to the north. Bella's from the north.

Welcome back to the north. Thank you. Well, I'm obviously not from the north, Bella Hull. Oh, I thought you were from Hull? No, I'm not. Well, I must be... That's how surname's work, though, isn't it?

No, I'm not. I'm from West London. That's not a bit. Sorry to disappoint everyone. He is in a bottle of juice. I thought you were from... I've always thought you were from home. Really?

Have you heard the way I talk, though? Yeah, but I thought you were like... I thought this was all a character. I thought... Right. Just me, unfortunately. I guess it is a character somewhere. Never been to Hull?

Never been to Hull. I'm worried. Scunthor? No. I've been to Southampton. Southampton. You are tiny temper then? Yeah, yeah.

Very good boys. I've got so many clothes I keep them in my arm. Really good boys. Everyone was thinking, I wonder how many confusing tiny temper references there'll be in this episode. Do you reckon you're on a nearer?

will go back to hole. Yeah, definitely. Because that's how surnames work. Do you want to know an interesting fact about surnames? Yeah.

Isn't the whole the back of the boat? Yeah, it is the back of the boat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also a place, apparently. And, yeah, apparently some surnames

when they were first inventing surnames, some of the surnames were like sarcastic. So someone that was like John Goodman, sometimes that was like a joke because they were a dickhead.

Oh, so it's a bit of a cunt? Yeah. You're Goodman? Yeah. Isn't that interesting? So my ancestors, Nightingale could have been shit singers. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, what a fucking Nightingale that guy? So, you're telling me Len Goodman's a cunt? Yeah. Wow. Isn't that interesting? The country might not have been handed down. He could have broke the generational trauma. But his great granddad was a bit of a knobhead.

Wow. So what's haul from then? I don't know what? I don't know. You never done like a 23 in me? Never done a 23 in me? My mom actually really doesn't want me to do that because she says that if your grandson does a murder,

then they'll catch them more quickly. Because of the DNA is like, they sell them to the government. Do they? Yeah, they do. They sell your genetic to the government. Have you done 23 in me? Never.

Oh, any big conspiracy guy, like anti-government, they're not doing a 23 in me, are it? No. You're just handing your DNA over it. Well, yeah, the person is asked, are they having done in no time? Sorry?

What? So someone wrote in and said they don't flush wheeze, they only flush poos. Right. And I said, if you do a poo and someone else says, we goes on your bum, and then they die. your wee's on their bum

then you might get and you can find that out of 23 and me I didn't wait at the time no no but I'm loving this but if they've got your DNA from 23 and me right then they can catch you and they can catch you

I'm so glad that I got another run out yeah I remember at the time thinking this needs another run out yeah have you tried that on stage the wee on the bum we on people's bum

but he can try it on stage because he's doing his first ever stand-up gig are you in the next mirror of our lives Wow, that's exciting. So when we started this, we were about 4,000 in maybe,

out there, patrons? I thought we were more than that. No, we had like 4,000 patrons and I said when we get to, if we ever get to 30,000, which to me was a magical number, I said, yeah, I'll do stand up because I'll be able to cry in my Bugatti.

We've got 32 now, I haven't got a Bugatti. No, what car are you driving? We've got a nice car, I've got a lovely Audi. But, yeah, so I'm going to do that. That's nice. The only thing stopping me from not having eyelashes on my car as the fact that I don't have a license.

Do you not drive? I can't and I mustn't. I just feel like I'm a passenger. Do you know what I mean? God, I relate to you so much. I just don't think I should be behind the wheel. I love some people who shouldn't drive. I don't know.

But also, I don't know, I haven't even tried. I feel like this, I don't know, I just was always told not to try my family. It's really easy, though. It took my brother like four times to pass his test, and it took me four times to pass my DBS. And I just, like, have you done your theory? Never done my theory. You ever done a lesson?

I'm not good with knowledge. I'm not good with retaining, like, fact. I feel like boys are really good at retaining, like, dates and, like, things that happen. Like, you just listed all of your, like, historical interest before we started filming. Yeah. Which were Henry the 8th cavemen.

Sorry. Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs. Egypt. Auschwitz. What? Before that, though. There is quite a lot of bit more.

Absolutely. In between Henry the 8th and the outside. Egypt. Henry the 8th. Egypt. Henry the 8th. Holocaust 9-11 now. And that's history.

Yeah, that's history. Those are all the boy highlights of history. Yeah, those are the best bits. What are the girl ones? The girl highlights of history are when women got the vote. And what bits of history? I kind of... I'm not allowed to drive.

And you went, no. No, I don't want to. I want to get a free Uber. Have you ever... Sometimes I used to like pretend to be like really drunk so that someone would just get me an Uber. And then I would just like get into the Uber and just be completely fine. Great. It's quite good.

It's what the patriarchic can do for you, I think, sometimes. My missus tells me she's got a driving license, but I've never seen her drive. I don't trust that either. And no one I know in her life has ever seen her drive either. She's like, there is people, but you don't know them.

But the longer you go without driving, then your brain is, like, harder to learn when you're older because your brain is less elastic, isn't it? Elastic? Does everyone hear that? Did you do a little... Yeah, I just did a little...

I can't imagine Alex driving. No, I can't. I cannot. In my end, she's that big in the past, in the driving seat and she can't see. If you pass your test and then don't actually drive, should there be a limit where you have to redo your test? Yeah, a little refresher course.

You can't just be like, I think far, if you don't drive at all for five years. Well, you had to do it by accident, didn't you? Yeah. Howdy drives all the time and I think he'd failed it anyway. He'd failed 21 times in front of us. Oh shit, he did, didn't it? How did he did a driving test for a special?

And do what a major is, do it? And drive and test. Yeah, and I definitely know what a minor is. Hell yeah. So a major is, it doesn't matter what you've done. What happens? This test is over. You failed.

Wow. So he did a 45-in-a-driving test. He has a driving license and he failed majors 21. Wow. Yeah, but we were driving in Manchester. What's a major? Like, genuinely from like curbing it to run someone over. Wow.

And everything in between. Not indicating it around about. Not waiting you turn it around about. If anything, I didn't cut across around about. I went around about twice. That's fine. Apparently I fell for that. I'm talking about the other one

where you didn't give way to the right, Harry. See, I didn't know that was a thing, to be fair. Giving way to the right? Isn't that just becoming a Nazi? He didn't be able to do that. He didn't think it was a thing. And then I curved the car a couple times and then one time we almost...

We almost died. We almost wrapped it around the ballard. God. But they were to give way to the right. There was a lot of pressure. It's like the first time I did my driving. So I failed the first time I did my driving test and a dog ran out in front of my car.

Yeah. I don't like it when you talked about me like that. You meant to hit them? No, you meant to hit cats. You're meant to hit dogs? No, if it's endangers you, you meant to hit whatever it is. Well, no, it wasn't. I was just going slow.

And then eventually the dog went away. And I went, bloody mad that dog. And the woman went, no. And then I was on the edge, the rest of the thing. And then I almost hit a cyclist and failed. Oof. Fleabag. You're not supposed to, so you're supposed to, what, speed up if you see a dog.

No. You don't fail unless you hit a dog. Right. Like, if, if, if, if, you're supposed to, you're supposed to, you. If something runs out in front and it would endanger you and other drivers. If it's an animal, you have to. You can't kill a person. You've got to tell the owner, though, if you do hit a dog.

Yeah. And if a cat lives in your house for two weeks, it's legally yours. Oh, that's good. If a cat runs out and you slam on to save the cat and cause an accident, that's your fault. You fail. No. If you slam on and it's a dog, everyone's like, yeah, dogs are better. So that's all right.

If you slam on and someone goes in the back here, it's always their fault. Yeah, yeah. Going in the back, it's always their fault. someone is always the person who, yeah. The insurance claim will always pay out for the person in the front, always, because you should be a safe distance. And if you cause like a four per car pile up car crash, the first,

the first card is the only one who gets any claim because the second car are liable for the first, the third card is liable for them, the fourth car is liable for that. Hang on, what's the dog rule? Dogs are special, all animals are not. Now, they're getting really confused. Basically, if a dog runs out in front of the car,

you should do what you can to avoid hitting the dog. but if it would endanger anything better than a dog like a person God you've got to process a lot and how many listeners have turned off do you think at this point? None. This is all like, they're locked in.

This is riveting for them. Wow, they love it. But if it's a squirrel, you can't be like, oh. But like they're meant to try and slam on but like if you can't slam on if you like come off the cave and you know, then you have to look at

see if there's any people. I've burst a hedgehog. You first a hedgehog? Did it buy your tires? No, I burst there. Oh. And it was driving home from Hickories and I was dead sad. A hedgehog was?

I was like, what? So it was full. I was driving home from a meat house. What's Hickory? A meat house, okay. Like it's the meat heaven. I was driving home. Some of the words used today.

A meat house. On a B-road I hit an explosion in the hedgehog. And I was like, oh, I was then upset. And my wife went, you've just eaten so many animals. Go to fuck up. And I was like, no, yes. We didn't have to look them in the eye and kill them yourself. so it doesn't really count.

No, and it exploded. Oh no. Like I felt like I'd... Like I'd pushed all the air to one side. There's one... Oh, did you hear it? Yeah. Oh, dear.

On the way back from Wales. No, it's only a little edge of. I've got a big car. Yeah, but for all the spikes? No, they're more like pines, aren't they? Yeah. I think you were thinking of cartoons. Yeah, that's so true, actually.

Yeah, I didn't like knock it to be rather long way and it had to pull it back again. It just explains. It was just no longer. Oh, like a water balloon. Yeah, it was really sad. God. It's hard to take a serious.

It's really sad when the first three times you described you were laughing while you did it. Fucking exploding, man. Yeah, it's sad. It's mad. It's like I did to IUD. Belly, can we ask you about S&L UK? You can ask me about S&LUK.

Because it's just gone very well, the first series. Yeah. It's been a massive hit. And you've been writing on it. Yeah, has this just taken over your life for the last six months? completely. It's like, it's over now. It ended like, what, three weeks ago. So I've kind of been like recalibrating back to society. But genuinely it was like, it was like maybe 10 hour days,

like six days a week. I've never worked so hard in my life. It's also really hard coming out like from a stand-up background where like you kind of are working for like 15 minutes a day. And the rest of the time, if you can be bothered. If you can be asked. And the rest of the time you're just drinking mush in bed. I can't wait for this. You know. I kind of was just like really like, had quite a chill life before. Like I was just, and I thought, because I was gigging every day, I was like, I'm working so hard, but I wasn't. And then I started SNL and I was like, fuck, this is.

And it was really stressful, but it was so worth it. So there's a cast of about 14, 15? Yeah, I think. 11, sorry. Okay. And how many writers were in the writing room? 20, I think. And you are, you're doing like, you've got Sunday off.

Yeah. And then you are straight back in Monday morning. 10 a.m. And then, like, it was like, I would get home at like 1 a.m. A lot of the time. Because you're just like writing, because also I can't really. right at home. So I would just stay there. And sometimes I wouldn't get a good idea for like six hours. So I would just fucking stay there and just drink Red Bull, Red Bull,

until like an idea came. I like drove myself insane. And is everything done on a week to week basis? Yeah, everything. So you start every Monday with nothing and you have to write, we had to write like 70 minutes of material that then got cut to like 75. So yeah, it was stressful. But it was great. I loved it. I'm a very intense person. So I was sort of like into it. Yeah, I know what you mean. Do you know what I mean? I quite like, I don't like things in halves. I found it hard with like dating

because a lot of people like call me intense. And I'm like, if you call me intense again, I'm going to fucking slit my wrist. It's a real rock and a hard place that way. No, but it was good. But it was like, I was like the anxiety. Especially right before it began, I was doing a lot of like self-harming by Reddit.

Do you know what I mean? Where you're like going on Reddit, you're going on TikTok and you're just like, consuming all of the like stuff of people being like this is going to be a fucking disaster. And even the comments had like 30,000 likes. And I was just like in the office like, what are we going to?

Because also I'm a confidence player. Like if I know that there's like a reviewer in the audience that like hates my guts, I'll just fuck it. Like the gig will just go really badly. So I had to like just properly go like psycho mode and like not be online at all. And then just write. The reaction must.

Because obviously you're going to get the odd like Twitter troll and stuff. But the reaction to. episode one in particular, must have took you and the whole cast by surprise because it felt to me, like the whole UK comedy industry all went, fucking hell, this is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like straight away. And they were like, oh, like, some of the reviews were like, one of the reviews was like, shockingly competent. And I was like, I'll fucking take that. You know what I mean? Yeah, because you were starting behind the eight ball.

Exactly. Everyone sort of expected it to trip up and not be, immediately like 50 years of heritage on SNL in America. Exactly. So you've not only had to win them over, but almost from a negative. Totally.

And it felt like we were being like sent over the hill as soldiers. Like it felt like we were like, especially the cast, I felt like God, because my face wasn't on it. Do you know what I mean? Like I was just doing the voice over and writing for it. So like if something,

if I wrote something that like people hated, I actually wouldn't, no one would know that it was me. So people would be hating it, but I wouldn't be like directly being attacked. But I also think the other thing is like Brits love an underdog. Yeah. We love Susan Boyle.

Do you know what I mean? Like we love to root for something that isn't a success. Like we love to root for people that like aren't automatically. And I think the thing about S&L is it's such a like big American like powerhouse that when Brits heard it was coming. They were like, ugh. They almost like wanted to be like, ugh, because it's not like, it's an overdog. But then that became an underdog because of that initial reaction. And Vice did like a post.

You see Vice did like an Instagram post being like before the first episode being like these are all. all the reasons why it will be shit. Yeah, before the first episode. And like, what are you trying to do with that article? And I was just like, oh, God,

this is like so stressful. But it's fine. I think also because I've been like so badly reviewed in the past as well. Like part of me was like, fucking maybe this is what it is. Like once in Edinburgh I got a review that called me a paedophile.

And I was just like, same. Amazing, really. But in your case, it was true. I guess. Why did they call you a paedophile? I used to do this joke about,

I hit puberty when I was like eight. Like I was fully. like had massive, massive tits. And it was really stressful. And I used to do this bit of stand-up where I was like, it was really hard for me because like all of the other kids like got to be like children but I was forced to be a chilf.

And I got a two-star review that called me a paedophile and said that I like, there should be like content warnings outside the venue and stuff. I have never heard the word chilth. Because I invented it. The weird thing is, if I was like, a comedy review and I saw a show and I was like that person's a pedo, I would just give them one star

one star, you know? One, two star, Pito. Two star is like, wow. She's a Pido, but what a cardigan. Also, girl Pido is kind of woke. Do you know what I mean? It's like... Yeah, it's the underdog.

Yeah, exactly. What's a girl Pitafar? Like a Peta fell? I don't know. Pida Fem. Pido Fella. That's Pido's that fall over, I guess. You know, with tits is a really weird sentence.

Hmm. it was my truth, it was my reality. It's quite a giant sentence. Yeah, it started my period really young. I don't know. It all just, it was very stressful for me. These were calling my ex-girlfriend, a paedophile on the Patreon episode this week.

Who was? You were calling you ex-girlfriend. No, they were saying my ex-girlfriend was a paedophile. Is that because she was older than you? Oh, no, but she was a, she was a paedophile. I was 14 and she was a 23-year-old orthodontist. What? She is a bit of a pedo.

No, no, no. She is a pedophones. Right, yeah, okay. Well, that makes it better. Good for you on that. I do you feel. like when teenage boys are victims of girl paedophiles, they can't ever just legends.

You know what I mean? Yeah, it's probably long term horrifically traumatic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the time, it's like, well, it didn't affect me. I know someone who's, you're fine.

No, you're fine. You feel like you, size 12? Yeah, exactly. I know someone who had sex with his teacher in their loft, or you'd say Arctic. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'd say Arctic for sure. Yeah.

And we were all like, wow, that's sick. But then you look back, you're like, oh, he's a liar. Oh, she's a paed phyterphal. He wasn't a child. But it's the same thing and it's still. Yeah. It actually has a different name.

For teenagers, it's not pedo. It's something else. A fever file. Too quick on that one. It's a two-star pedophile. A fibophile. Two-star pedophile. What did you just say?

What's the name? It's a fever. Yeah, but I feel like knowing that nuance does make you a pedo. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a feebo. Yeah. But I feel like women pedos often go for teenagers.

Mm-hmm. You know? At least I do, anyway. Not many. The whole passes Owen Cooper. The reason it's wrong for like a teacher's to shag their like 14 year old students is the power. Is their position of power?

I didn't have bad teeth. So like that orthodontist had nothing on me. You know what I mean? She was an orthodontist, this woman. She was an orthodontist. How did you meet? Adam. Hang on.

In you go. Right. Raise yourself. Where did you meet, Adam? At a family barbecue. Family barbecue. No. Barbecue.

No. Wow, that's really scary. So was she a family friend? It was her family's barbecue. Her family's barbecue. By her cousin, who was my age. Name.

Um, Peter Wynne. Peter Wynne. But Adam did. Peter Y, W. W. Like the casino.

Yeah. Oh, with the E on the end. With D on the end, the British way. Yeah, me and Peter, Peter Wynn. And his family barbecue. And you fucked his 23-year-old. Well, at the barbecue. Yeah.

No, I didn't fuck her at the barbecue. We just exchanged Bibo accounts. You exchanged Biko what I had a couple of chickens. Yeah, no, she didn't fuck her at the barbecue. She's a paedophile, not a slag. I don't think she knew I was 14 because I had like seven double Jack Daniels Daniels last day. So she's probably like, as a man who likes his whiskey.

Famously aging for a child. I bet you'd have to serve him Jack Daniels. You were really competent and adults as well, right? At age of 14. What 14 is even saying? Huh? What are you even saying when you're a 14 year old boy? I was just giving her the eyebrows.

Right, 100%. You also have a full Liverpool kit on, by the way. Right. No, it's a different girl. Did you have facial hair at age 14? No. Uh, had that I had eyebrows. Huh?

Did you have pubes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time. Nice. Yeah, yeah. Good for you, by the way. Wow. Wow, I'm really learning a lot here. That's what she asked.

Yeah, but have you got pub? And he went, yeah. She went, give you number. It was a toupee. I think she just came over and dropped in, like, she'd written her number on a piece of paper and she was like, call me. Wow.

She put it in a bag of bun and he choked on him. I was like, oh, I'm gone in here. That's the best magic trick anyone's ever seen. Is this your number? And has that had a long-term psychological impact on you, Adam? No, I don't think so. No, you're fine. Right as rain.

I left air as well. Wow, you dumped her. She's gutted. She's too old. She's too old. It probably had a psychological impact on her. Yeah, sure. Because she couldn't even keep a kid around.

If a 14-year-old ghosted me, I would be gutted. Yeah. What, like you're dumping me what? Spend more time on Roblox. That's be, I would be gutted. Now imagine it was an imaginary 14-year-old. No, I was real. Oh, yes, she wasn't real.

It's real as his own stories. Sure, yeah. For there's any more fever failure. Bella Hull. Do you have anything to plug? Do you have anything you want to tell the listeners about? I do, everyone. I'm going to the Edinburgh Fringe.

Are you? Just watch, or... I'm going with my fourth hour. It's called Mad Cow Disease, which is an affliction that I have. And it's on every day at Monkey Barrel, MB1, 1230. Middle of the day, 1230, not nighttime. Class.

Good venue. Good venue. you. First show of the day for a lot of people. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Last show the day for some people, if they're nocturnal, I guess. There are so many gigs that, like, I've done gigs at like 5am in Edinburgh before. Spanked. Yeah, spanked, yeah. Spank or spanked?

And then the next act is like fully naked and... Yeah. I think they had to stop that, didn't he? Yeah, I think they did, yeah. Times of change. Yeah, I want to go to fringe this year, but we haven't sought on somewhere to stay. Is it too late? No, it's cheap. It's last minute. Last minute market's amazing.

Is it too late now? Do you like three grand for a flat for four days? So like three, like three days? is too late now. You'll get like an ibis for like $450 a night. Yeah. I actually think it's more like $800. For an ibis?

I think so. Or maybe no, maybe Ibis is $4.50. But like a sort of like a hotel that's like a cushy hotel. But have you ever stayed in Falkirk? Because it offers a great option for the French. You could just commute in from your house.

Yeah, just stay in Glasgow. Yeah. Just an eight-hour round trip. One show. I like it actually, yeah. cheap as well hire a camper van drive up in the camper van

that is my other option or even just go camping is it Seneca wants to go to the fringe I've been to the fringe umpteen times and I love her she went without me with their friend

and she loved it I was like let's go together but then I was like oh the accommodation's ridiculous I might try and pop up for a day or so Alfie's got a spare couch I think you wouldn't be

there's just two of us yeah that's good Edinburgh accommodation is so fucking bleak I like shared a sofa once when I was like 18 for a whole month. It was awful. I've got like a sofa bed this year. I'm living with huge Davies. So that'll be good.

Nice. There's barking. I think that the broth has arrived. I think that is true. Oh, they can smell it. Brother's here. I want everyone to know this wasn't actually my idea.

I just planted it in everyone's head. We call our podcast have a word, Bella. And we have a word with people. Would you like to have a word with anyone? Yeah, I'd like to have a word. with a man that is like the handyman that comes into my flat because I think he has a mood disorder

and it's not my responsibility. He always, okay, so our hot water stopped working me and dance hot water. The guy says, okay, I'm going to arrive at 8am. He rings the doorbell at 8 a.m. We don't answer. 802. He sends about eight text messages in a row

saying how ungrateful we are to him as a service and how, it's like he is in his lucial phase, but he's a sixth-year-old man. it's crazy than the text he's sending. He should have gone through the menopause by now. Yeah, he should have gone through the menopause by now, but he's having a hot flash right outside our flat.

And we're letting him in and he's like rolling his eyes. It's just awful. And he brings such a heavy energy into the flat. And his ring tone is match of the day. Oh, wow. And that I have no problem with that, actually. I think I know this fella, you know, I think this could have been me in a different life.

What time did he get in the flat, by the way, just for... He got in the flat, I would say 803. but he was fuming. Unacceptable amount of texts in... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was eight texts in a row, which I've, like, been that girlfriend before where I'm sending eight texts in a row

for something that kind of unreasonable. One of my friends got locked out of her hotel and then she was so annoyed with her boyfriend that she got into the hotel, got his phone and threw it into the Brighton Sea. Is there a Brighton Sea? There is a Brighton Sea. Yeah.

There's a sea next to Brighton, I guess. I don't think if you look on a map, it's like the Brighton Sea. But I just... Certainly sea near me. Was it his fault? She was locked out? Yeah, it was his fault.

He fell asleep. Are you suggesting, Bella, I'm just getting a vibe that you might be quite an aggressive girlfriend when you're in the mood to be. Yeah, I can be very aggressive. I'm trying, I'm in a box fresh relationship right now.

Yeah, I am. And it's... A box fresh relationship? It's a brand new. Oh, that's where you keep your boxed next. Sorry, I'm 45, but I thought this was like a new... A new sexuality. No, no.

You're just washing properly before. Yeah, yeah, box fresh. He's washed. is very washed. And I'm trying really hard. This one I'm washing for. Fresh box, let's go.

No, I'm not into any of that, like polyamory or any of that stuff. I think it's a bloody disgrace. Bloody disgrace. It's just high end slagging about in it. Let's be honest. Yeah, for God's sake.

It's just like, traditional. Yeah, be traditional. I like monogamy. I like monogamous men. That's what I'm into. Monogamous, like, kind nerds.

That's what I like. Pedantic. You didn't love, I have a single man. This is so high. I've got me. Pedantic dyspraxic nerd. He is like the arpatic.

He is like the arpice. I can't drive. You know who I'm always going out with? Have you ever like been in a Costa? And there's someone like in front of you in the queue, like a little like nerdy man that looks like he does medieval reenactment weekends. And like he gets the wrong coffee order. And he's so annoyed.

You hear him go, oh, just my luck. You know that kind of person? Oh, you want like a lapa? Like something minor goes wrong and they go, oh, typical. That's the kind of person I'm always going out with. But then they don't. Ask for their actual coffee they just put up with it. They just stew and they're in a really bad mood and it infects everyone that they meet that day.

Yeah. But yeah, I'm in a box first relationship and I've got a good feeling about this one. Which is weird because I've never been wrong about that before. How long have you been with it? Four months. Okay. Yeah, so it's fresh. Have you farted?

I have in the middle of the night, yeah. But he's sort of just doing it really, really. How'd you know? Well, did you set an alarm to why you hope and do it? No, I woke myself up with it. I've done that. The other day, Dan, was eating so many marvellous, you know, marvelous creation, dairy milk?

Popping candy. The best chocolate bar? He ate a whole bar of it in the middle of the night, and it was so loud. It woke his, he woke him up in his mouth. The noise of the popping candy. It woke who up? The person eating the chocolate.

No, the noise of the popping candy in his mouth. In another room? It won't, no, no. In his own mouth, it woke him out. It stuck in his teeth and kept popping. That is not. So, hang on. So it wasn't while he was eating it.

No, hours after he finished. He fell asleep, woke back up with the sound. Like he's on static. Yeah. Dan Terny need to brush your teeth. I love you, but come on. Same. But you can't have a full big bar of Marvelous creations before then.

No. No. It's not. But that's the tip of the iceberg. But yeah, no, I'm still kind of in this relationship pretending that I'm, you know, when you're still. on best behaviour, but it's running out. Do you know what I mean?

The eels haven't come out yet. Yeah, no, the eels haven't come out yet. Oh, shit. The crazy hasn't come out yet. How many times do you see them a week? How intense? Oh, is it? I'm pretty intense, as discussed before.

I would say it's like two or three times a week. Oh, that's not too bad. Two nights a week, three nights a week. That seems measured. Yeah, I'm trying to be really measured with this one. Try not to suffocate it. Yeah. What are you go to, like, non-measured things?

How do you? It's like writing someone who love letter sort of in my blood you know, I like that's something not really but I sort of want to you know like I really believe in love I know I shouldn't I can't be chill

I can't be chill and I went on loads of dates like the lot I was like single I didn't have sex for a year thank you very much and I was so do you ever not have sex for so long

that when you put your charger into your phone you like you like feel jealousy I got to that point I was charging my phone I was saying my phone's been penetrated more times today than I have this year.

What's that all about? Must be nice. But every person I would go on a date with, I would just be like, I'm either like locked in for years or I'm like 10 minutes into the day. I'm like, nope, I can't do this. I'm very similar to that.

That's, yeah. The right way to be. I can't like to be casually seeing someone. I've never had casual sex. People have had it with me. There's no way I could be casual if I was ever sick. Like, I'm such, I'm so locked into that, like, well.

I kind of would like, I would enjoy just not, not you and Serake, because I love both you, I love your wife, I love you, I love you as a couple, I love you as a couple that me and my couple can be with, but I would just like a black mirror alternate, if I could just play the actual, not like imagining, like actual, what would happen if you two broke up? I want to watch a year of you. I just want to see what that is.

Because he's never been single. It's been like 15 years. So I was in a relationship 16 to 19, little gap and then with my wife from 19 to now. Wow. I've essentially had the partners. It's hard to him. It's genuinely hard to imagine.

Tethered. You're on. It's quite nice to be tethered. I'd really love to see you like trying to fuck. Do you know what I mean? Like in the club trying to fuck. The thing is I would, I don't have to speak to people.

It's my job so I can sit and talk to you. Oh, but you've always had the invisibility cloak of I couldn't give a shit. Yeah. Yeah, but also, I'm also confident and old enough now when if I wanted to give a shit to cut. There's your mashbloth. We will get on to some of the store. Hi, Julia.

You're right. Can you do the spoon for this? Any gin in this? No, you can just sip it, I think. Can I just have a little... Is it not quite viscous? Mm, thank you, Julia. Like a bovril.

Oh, this really takes me back. Okay, so this is what I drank every day for two years is mash and broth mixed together. Okay, so lovely and warm and frothy. Bella, I know that this is going to be, not only a clip, but quite a well-viewed one. So what I'm just going to do whilst Dan gets himself a bin, I'm going to introduce it to camera as the clip,

and then I'm going to come to you to explain, did you ever give this a name? No, it doesn't really need a name, I guess. Brothmush. Bella Bross. Yeah, Bella's broth. That is a beautiful broth. Bella's beautiful broth.

Triple B. Yeah, let's pull it that. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Dan Vest. is food. Dan is a 47-year-old man with food phobias. Forty-five. Basically means there's certain bits of food, certain items of food from within the food world that just make him feel violently ill at the thought of eating it. We've made him try everything over the past few years. He'd never had fish and chips. He'd never had a pie. He'd never had gravy. We've got our wonderful guests with us today, Miss Bella Hull.

And Bella has told us that a few years ago, one of her regular snacks was to get microwave mash, get some chicken broth, microwave that as well, mix it together and make a chicken brothy mash drink. Are you well? I've really liked you up until this point. It's been a great episode. It's on the Wayne. So, Dan, would you like some lumpy chicken potato juice?

Does it pour? It does pour. It depends how much mash you add. It is, uh, I would say. So it depends. The viscosity can vary. You know what it looks like? It looks like a horlox.

Oh, no. A chicken horlox. It's like a meaty, a meaty, old oval teen. The people you bought and they never wonder why you didn't buy meat. I'm not joking. Joe and you were buying the mash and the broth. They never think why this girl never buy it. He's in a bad way, you know.

Yeah, I guess so. Because you're like, whenever you're eating else, but the meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want the broth. Yeah. The broth is lovely. Just on the broth. Something I will never.

say in my life. Just want broth. That's a soup. Oh, I just want a broth. Oh, it's really foamy today. Oh, no. Bell! Fucking whole.

He will throw up. Be ready for this. Get a big mouthful. Oh, yeah, like you madden. I'm trying again. Was that nice, done? Not too bad. Not too bad.

Apart from the eye watering, I'd give it an eight. Try again. Are you all right? Yeah. This is lovely. Because actually the nice thing about the lunch is that... Your mouth is like a soup. You can swallow the liquid and then you can kind of chew the lumps a bit.

He'd be the same, by the way. Oh, I'm not touching that. He would be exactly just so. Harry. I'm not touching it. You're crying? Like, she's drinking it like it's the best thing. It's like a cold lemonade.

It's cozy. Cozy vibes. You not think? I'm finding this very cozy vibes, actually. With the cardigan and the mash. This is the worst. Maybe I need to wear a cardigan for it. That's the mistake.

sake of me. Go on, have another go. Come on, Dan. The first one's always in the same. First, the worst. Second, the best. Just think it's something else. Imagine it's a nice warm coffee.

Yeah. I don't like potato. Chicken flea. The lower you get, the thicker it gets. Oh, well done. Here you go. He loves it. I mind it.

Good? Oh. You sound so sad. Damn, genuinely, no one's going to believe me. It isn't as bad as I thought it was. But it is bad. It is bad. You're not you're grieving.

It is bad. It's bad. Yeah, sure. But I was making out like it was... See, I've basically finished mine. Ooh, got a second one for you. Some of my tears are in it. I'll bank transfer you $100 cash now if you can down all of that.

I don't need your money. Also, you owe me $100. You can buy a jacket. Try. Right, there you go. Finish, mine. But it's lumpy and near the bottom? Is it?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, don't you all want to? The recipe will be in the... In the bio, link in bio for the recipe. I'll tell you what, he's not going to owe me, 200. Oh, God. Yeah, but start a food, TikTok where you make other interesting... That's good.

Have I made everyone's male mental health worse? My stomach health. Ours is well better over there. I've got a tear on my glasses. So anyway, your plumber's annoying, is he? Yeah. Do you feel warm, Dan? Do you feel good?

Hot inside. Yeah. Should you have a word? Yeah. We didn't really have a word of a plumber, but fuck him. Fuck the plumber. Fuck the plumber. Yeah, wash it down.

Yummy. Mm. This is from anonymous. Highlid. Keep me anonymous. Have a word with my dad. He's in his mid-50s and he's hit his mid-life crisis. On top of taking up wild hobbies like go-karting and frisbee golf, which by all means he's free to do and enjoy himself, he started cutting holes in all his jeans because he thinks he should be rocking ripped jeans. The fact he's done them, DIY, makes it look like he's been attacked by a bear from the waist down. And all my mates have been going, mm-denim to the tune of the um-dan-on advert jingle.

have a word with him to act his age. How old was he? He's in his mid-50s. Would you wear ripped jeans then? I have been known to frequent a bit of ripped gene. I wore ripped jeans on live with the Apollo. I'll never forgive myself for that. That is heinous behaviour.

That was the 2022. It wasn't when you did it though. What? When you did it, it was fine. It's just, you know. Yeah, I remember doing it and thinking I look fucking great. And now I look back and think I look like a Dorito because I've got skinny ripped jeans on

and quite a wide-shouldered jacket. Yeah, so you look like a triangle. Yeah. Like a Toblerone. I watched your video last night of your... Who my jumper? Your shirt and the jumper. Was that...

It's insane. I know this might ruin a viral video. Is that true? Yeah, it's completely true. It's completely true. How'd you not locked in a minute at any point? I'm just not a very aware person. It was incredible.

Thank you. I'm not very like... I do sort of like go through the world. I'm quite in my own head. Do you know what I mean? I'm thinking about... It was very wide. It looked like a quarterback.

Can we get a bit complex? We can put a video, like a TikTok video in the episode, can't me? Yeah. It might be worth explaining it for the audio listeners. So for the audio listeners, just go to at Bella Bella Hull. Yeah.

On Instagram. Yeah, double Bella. I'm really sorry. I'm going to have to play your video while you're in the room. You've got to, that's fine. Do it. So this is our 24.6 million views.

Jeez. That's good, isn't it? So I just got this new top. and I wore it today for the first time and I put this jumper on top because I got really chilly. And for the whole day, people have been looking at me and doing double takes. And every time it's happened, I've just been like, yeah, I guess I'm having a great day today. Strong guy, Burbank. I got home and looked in the mirror.

this is what I've looked like all day oh wow have you seen any your absolute lionbacker of all oh life is so hard life is so hard did you get on the tube life is an endless struggle

did you get on the tube like that yeah of course I was going about my day I was sitting in a cafe working and I thought I was like looking really hot because all of these men were like double taking I was like wow like I must be ovulating or something, you know, like I must be like emitting and then I looked in the mirror and I was like, oh, fucking hell.

Amazing. Yeah. Because a lot of women in the 80s wore shoulder pads, didn't they? Yeah, yeah. I just, I presumed that the shoulders would collapse. Do you know what I mean? Like 9-11. I just thought that they were just...

Under the weight of the... Deflate. Yeah. Like a lillo. And they had so much tensile strength that the jumper sitting onto it was just like reinforced concrete. Right. I didn't we bring that off?

I don't know. Have you ever seen the Kanye West video for... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had that music video. What is it? I just love fucking ho. I love it. And it's...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Kind of giving Roblox. Yeah. The DIY ripped jeans. Oh, yeah. I just think dads are gonna be cringe, aren't they? Yeah.

You've sort of got to let Dad's cringe. Playing Frisbee golf. I think that's the time when I'm really old. Not anyone. Leave me alone. I think when you stop giving me shit about what you think I shouldn't be wearing is when you've just, it's like you've put me out to fashion pasture.

Yeah. And you're like, oh, he's too old to even help now. Yeah, but you dress well better than you used to. What? Yeah. What was in this broth? Thank you. Feels like my shoulders are bigger.

But it's a sign. You've just got a 55. Just let him go. Let him go. But I feel like it's much better for a dad to be wearing like regatta, raincoats. Oh, I want to go like gold blue. see you know fucking great

he looks. Yeah. He looks great. He looks curled on he. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to be like that? You don't want to be the... I've got a regatta coat on.

Let's walk the dogs. You can't be in a distressed gene in your mid-50s. Your jeans can't be distressed. It's like, why do your jeans have mental health? It's just not right. You don't understand. Carl has any problem with sort of middle age

settlement, like any village-style life, any barber coats, flat cat, any pub? Is that for you? where you would walk in in a flat cap and they wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Anywhere where there's a butchers and a post office and they're like the main shops. I'm really... I'm going to see Jill on Saturday. Yeah. I want no... Yeah, I want nobody.

Yeah, I want nobody. Yeah, flat caps do ick me out. Sometimes you see 18 year olds in flat caps and I think that's really wrong. No, I don't want... I hate that, it's begging. I hate like stifely, stodgy, fucking... It's very farage, isn't it?

Or like having like a really big umbrella with like a carved duck on the handle. British towns. Ugh, I hate that. We're going down. Bistro or Saturday. But the other new one's a chicken. There's one Bistro in like a 400 mile radius.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One new bistro. It's new as well. There was none. No way, no. Julie's got new job in laundrette. No, I want to be a million people and they're not to war, ate me.

Yeah, yeah. Well, they're always wearing like a Charles Tirit, like a boxy, like blue checked shirt. horrible. Like they've always got like pants on always. What do you have on? In my house. Carmin's trousers. Oh, okay. I thought that was an American thing.

No, like it's, yeah, if you're in the house, do you wear... No, in the house, I'm just... They sit down and watch coordination seats in them. No, that's really wrong. I hate formal watching of TV. Do you know what I mean? You got comfys for the telly? Yeah, I got comfys. I actually have a massive poncho. Yeah, we've got mumoos in the house.

Yeah. We've got cows, we've got cow. We've got loads of me. We've got mummoos, dress. Clippers, socks. No, don't we do slippers? No. I fucking love today's episode.

I've had a great time from start to finish. And just you've got mummoos in the house just sort of sums up the good move. We don't want clothes touching us. No, definitely not. We want to be covered, but no clothes. A soft warm robe. Bigh T-shirts and basketball shorts

and a pair of beck and socks. Yeah, that's the vibe. That's the vibe. I wouldn't even know what the visual is, living in a village. We've never heard of such. wild city life thing. No, but there is a fucking, like,

oh, bloody hell, Alan Francis is coming around for breakfast tomorrow. Lord does even know he is. He's bringing the dogs. There's always men called Alan Francis coming around for breakfast. He used to work at raffeties. Oh, he should wake at little ones, him.

Remember, he's all know each other and fucking blow my head off. Nah, I don't want to know him. It's honestly, like, we bring this up maybe twice a year, and there's nothing that we bring us up. up consistently that makes me laugh as much as his disdain for middle English life.

I don't want to get to an age where going Joey, here's a perfect, Joie, Joie, do you go on holiday? Yeah. Do you watch the entertainment? What,

like Al Jazeera? What do you mean? Oh, is in like the live theatre people? God no. Yeah, if I ever become the person who goes, we'll watch the entertainment tonight. Oh, no.

Blow my head off. No, no, no. I hate that. We're going to go, there's a band on. tonight. We saw them last year. They're very good. No.

No, I never want to go out with people who watch the entertainment. A bit of tribute makes me feel fucking sick. Oh, very talented. One by 11. Kids can be in bed sent. Oh, horrible. What's wrong with that?

What's wrong? It's just like staying at the hotel, man, getting yourself a three pint of beer. Yeah. You don't get more whenever you want. Just sit on the balcony. A couple of good singers on. Back and dances. And think your own thoughts.

Just remember your own memories. I like to, I like to, we've got snacks. My wife, we're watching something. We're making our own entertainment. I don't want to be like, blood you get the band on. Magicians finish. Get a band on now.

Oh, horrible. Get me a Pianna Calaida, actually. It's Tuesday in it like, oh, no. You like Pena Colladas? Yeah, but in my own space. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Not in public. Or with magicians.

Not with other people who stifle and lives terrify me. Is that because you're being perceived drinking a Pena Collada? No, I'm a Pena Calaada. Right, okay. I'm a liberal man. It just doesn't want any other humans anywhere near him at the time. No, no, no, no. I'm a city boy.

Is what I mean? I like it. I'm metropolitan. I don't want like all these old people and like people who just like stifled. Yeah and they've always got like I'm checked socks. Yeah. And that's their personality. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're really into like really stinky cheese. Yeah, oh, bloody hell cheese festival next Sunday. You're going to come. Oh yeah, got a peanut galada there. I'll try. Sounds class by the way. Coordroy, loads of corduroy. Yeah, go to cheese festival.

Get a little brie. Mmm. Horrible cranberry. They're having like a roast, like a really shit. roast. There's a tacking cheese. Like cranberry like sauce on it. I think I just hate like British people.

Yeah, that's okay. Yeah. Because all of that was like a British dad and Aldi wasn't it? Bloody hell. Either all they have the oldie. No,

I know exactly the type of person that you're talking about. Yeah. I did a beer and cider festival a couple years ago never bombed so hard. It was awful. And the emcee was like

not quite quite quiet gig and I thought the way I'm going to like tackle this is I'm going to go on stage was so much energy. I was opening. But everyone was like, and I was like,

hey guys, I came on stage. There was a man with a really long white beard. I went up to him. I went, hey, beep, beep,

boom. 20 minutes of everyone going, what? It was awful. You don't want to impress them people because they're all miserable. No, you don't want them.

You don't need them. Well, I think I do actually. I think I do. I want them in the end. I didn't get them that time and I won't be asked back. I will think about that a lot.

Did you beep his nose? Yeah, and I went beep beep, beep. Why? I don't know. Listen, I don't know why I've made a lot of decisions in my life, really. Not into it. Not into it.

He didn't like it. He just went, what? What? And everyone else ran me and went, what? That's my best material. If that's not going to work, then what am I doing? Fuck.

Yeah, it was humiliating. I think this is going to be a very popular episode, Bella. Thank you very, very much for coming in. Cheers. Cheers to you, Bella. Thank you for having. me guys. What pleasure?

One more sip for the road. I have some more lumpy chicken drink, Dan. Come on. Harry? Absolutely. Nope. Go and follow Bella at Bella Bella Hulch. She's going to the Edinburgh Fringe.

There's loads of clips for you to watch. I'm going on tour. I'm going to tour coming up. Adamrodocco. At UK. I need to start promoting that properly. Some clips going out this week. Dan's got Dan Nightingale and friends at Dan Nightingale.com.

I've got another country party on the 4th of July. I don't list the tickets for that anyway you have to just find them I think that's everything we used to put songs on it but we don't anymore so just you know this is it done Bella that was a fucking blinding debut thank you very much

guys thanks for having me appreciate you lids go to maddad dot com for good bitch by bye my valet