Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #386 with Stephen Tries & Daniel Sloss - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: June 20, 2026

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Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only. Have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN, the very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed, get on me. Welcome to this public episode of the Have a World.

podcast with guest co-host Daniel Sloss. Oh, who! How are we feeling this morning, boys? Now, tired. Now, what's... There you go. Talk again. How are we feeling this morning?

Oh, there you go. Good, go. And we're all feeling really good. Yeah. I've got a little green in my beard. I look like I've gone down on Princess Fiona. Yeah. Yeah. Back when she was hot. No, no big girl. that I'm being green gal my gal.

And it's a rare thing that we stay in the studio till half past midnight. Yeah. And then try and do a very early public episode. Which is on me. I was the one that was like,

look, let's do a T&D episodes and then I got fly back up the road in the morning. So let's do an early record. And all yesterday, you were like, I reckon we can get, now that we understand the mechanics, now that we understand the game, I reckon we can do a three hour

D and D. I know that will never happen. They are at least five hours every fucking time. Yeah. And it's well better when you're pissed. I was in the moment. I was living that story. Yeah. And the five hours,

I know this sounds, but it flew by. Honest to God, I cannot believe it was five hours. Yeah. That's insane. Because it was also such a, like a tighter,

without giving too much way, I felt like it was a tighter episodes in terms of like everyone playing their characters. There was less like above table argue and I was like let's all get this done and then still fucking I don't know

about you guys two balls of red wine deep for me by the end yeah yeah yeah April's my thing mate you drank a liter of it I know but it just suits me it suits Dwight Ork it really didn't the contrast of a big oak a big green oak drinking

apparel but it's just it's a nice drunk and I don't feel that hang over I did have a Feminax before bed. Which sounds like a orc thing, like a feminine. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 2026. Things are changed. Yeah. It's great. I've said it before. I'll say it again. It's an ibuproven for period pains.

Yeah. But it works on men's hangovers. Try it. Are you taking that away from Laura? So if she has a period now, she just has to put up with her. Yeah. She's just, she's a bit of me about all the medicines and stuff.

She's the opposite of me. You know how I like, putting things in my body to make it feel different. She's very wary about what goes. She will not start testosterone replacement therapy. So she shouldn't. What do you mean? Why should your wife get on the T.R.

It's one of the treatments. My mom's on Tarty. Yes, she is. One of the two things. What? Small arms. No, it's one of the treatments for perimenopause. Which Laura doesn't think she's in the middle of.

Is that just early menopause? She fucking is. Yeah. I think the menopause is when all the menstrual is when all the menstrual stuff stops when your period stops. There's a good potentially 10 years building up to it. The five, six years building up to it,

the perimenopause, where it all just goes a bit squirly. It doesn't just, like a light switch, it, we're on the roller coaster right now. And she's like, no, I'm fine. I'm not showing symptoms. I'm like, one of the symptoms? There's a few. The peri menipause, you'll have nando's a bit more.

Hang on, hang on. The petty, peri, men and pores. You're a Portuguese Fisherwoman. What's she showing signs of? Well, you know, she does listen to the episode. She's showing signs of being beautiful.

Yeah, but aside from that, what's the country still? She gets insanely tired every tea time. There's your, there's just a little, there's a little bit of up and down. Do you... This is so dangerous, by the way.

Talking about your wife's potential perimenopause while she's potentially in the perimenopause. Listening to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure this will go down well when she's angrily hoovering the living room. What about vaginal dryness, Dan?

That's apparently a very common. It's a common symptom. Not if you spit on it. No, but it's a family trait, isn't it? Vaginal dryness? No, the opposite. Oh. Yeah, she's from the long line of wet pussies.

Oh, God. How's her libido, though? Yeah. It's good. It's good. It's good. But it could it be supercharged? Yeah. Yeah. It could. I just think that's, um, bloc thing. Anything, anytime your partner gets more into sex, you're just like, cool. Well, I'll just double down on this too then. They're playing catch up and then you start fucking sprinting. I take that's, that'd be fine by me. Yeah. I'll do some. Are you reading about perimenopause? Yeah. What else have you got? Vaginal dryness and brain fog, which is a band. album. Brain fog is real. Apparently. Everyone has everyone on brain fog. No, apparently it gets worse

in the perimenopause. You forget what words you're trying to use. Yeah. And they become, it's similar when they're pregnant. It's like, they just become, there's no nice ways to put this thicker. Baby brain. Yeah, baby brain where they just like really easy,

simple things to, they come down to your level. Like it's your, you're finally, you're like, oh, hey, I might be the smartest person in his relationship now. It's fucking great. For about two months. Yeah, yeah.

But do they've got two brains? Oh, they should be double smart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk, to me through it. There's another, there's another brain in them. Oh, like a little, like... Well, by that logic, if she's pregnant with a girl, she should be twice as horny.

She's got a dick inside. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you know that when women are pregnant with baby boys, baby boys get boners inside the woman? What? What? It's mad that there's a dick in the billion.

Because we all know that like at least 50% of erections have nothing to do with being horny. It's just like hormonal just happens, whatever. Babies get boners all the fucking time when they're out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know that like something like 15 or 20% of baby girls get periods when they come out? Because once, when the woman gives birth,

because of the hormones that fucking rush through their, body affects the, you know, baby girls are born with all the eggs that they're ever going to have for the rest of their life. And for some babies for like the first three months, they can just have like many baby periods. That's mental. Yeah. And they're a fucking nightmare. And their eyeballs are the same size. The eyeballs are the same size. And your eyeballs never grow. Is that true? Yeah, that's why babies have got big eyes. Oh. But your ears do grow. That's why Ben, Greece has massive ears. I go, I think. It's just a fact. Um, No, they do.

That's, no. You're in the pocket of a big eye. Welcome to Collins Facts. I refuse to Google. Do babies get bonus, though? I'll try. I draw the way. Hang on.

Babies get bonus in the womb. In the womb. Because they definitely get them immediately and from, like, changing the nappy of your son. Yeah. Which is a wholesome thing and it's your son. It's beautiful. And then you take the nappy off and he's got like a mini stonk on.

Did you do that? What? Did you change nappies? Yeah, of course. I really didn't think you'd be a nappy guy. Not there was like a your job. I just thought you'd be like not going to Putan. Oh.

Why? There isn't a, unless it's 1958. Got her. I think you, like you'll get murdered by your, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, yeah, changing the nappies of boys, we're just and then changing the nappies of the girls. So you ask any gay man how easy it is to clean shit off a knob, right? It's much more. Oh. everywhere. This goes everywhere. Cleaning baby vaginas

after they have a shit is a nightmare. I've tapped out of that halfway through. Yeah. I've just gone, Loss, this,

I can't do. There's only so much a man and a wet wipe can do. Yeah. Oh no, only once or twice because it's like,

she'll just go, shut the fuck up. I'm tired. I've been cut. Like, just do it. I've been cut. She got, she got,

she's a alien. Through the sunroof Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vagina intact. Yeah. Lazy, some people would say. That's what I said when she was in the, on the operating table

I was like, fucking lazy, right? This is why the NHS is on its knees because you won't squeeze a child out. Christ. You never get to complain about the pain of childbirth ever again. I saw you half job it. Hey, you were high.

Childbirth is awful. It looked like, you were flying, man. When the diomorphine kicked in and you were like, woo! I'm not cleaning shit off baby bowlers month. You got it. Otherwise they're not yours.

I'm not having kids. Otherwise they get urinary infections, you got to him. You got to do it. Why I says my son's four years old so he's like, what are the thing of like he's not wearing nappies when he goes at all,

but like during the night to make sure they doesn't wet the bed. When I go to bed about 10 or 11, I got to like wake him up and take him for a piss. And like he's so hard and groggy. And then you're just holding the four-year-old who just has a boner

and doesn't understand the adult thing of when you have an erection you gotta lean a bit forward to get... Why are you so... I just honestly didn't realize kids like, this feels wrong to say. I didn't realize kids got boners.

Yeah, yeah, all the time. All the time. I thought they started at like nine. No, no, they don't... Obviously, it's not horny in relation. It's not like my son's getting an erection when he sees like Lorraine Kelly on TV. It would make sense.

That's the part of it, wild. Yeah. If, man, if he did, that's a... No more Lorraine. Lorraine Kerry. Lorraine Kerry. Honestly, just didn't know that. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not all the time. Then they don't know what it is. But you do. Yeah. And then they ask you questions. Yeah. They're like, why is my penis hard? And you're like, oh, buddy, fucking, I don't know how to explain this to.

At what point do you explain it at what age? It's four's too young, you know? Well, because it's like, what words do you teach them? You can't teach them like slang. You can't be like, that's called a boner. be great to nurse you though yeah miss i've got a boner yeah yeah that's exactly why you can't do it

but it's also like i don't want to get too medical and be like yeah but euphemisms are so good laura laura's watched her ticot and she was like it's really detrimental to their development to use euphemisms for genitalia and uh so we've just got i've just got kids walking around shouting vagina and penis and it's obviously anatomically correct but fuck just use a euphemism mate

yeah yeah yeah winky myth mary Kiyak. Yeah. Yeah, just that. Dad me Kiac's out again. Lorraine's on. Look what a shit on me Kack. I bet shit I love me Kack done.

Just I'm a big fun of you from his. Winky. Winky. Winky. So you don't say that in the house? No, it's no. So they have body autonomy. So they're able to like accurately describe if something like happens to them.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. And then they start asking a question about. who's got a penis and who's got a vagina? Yeah. Has grandma got a vagina is a question that will live in my mind

for way too long. David Walliam's book. Sister did. It's also like, you're the daughter first and then a boy's Hedgin? Yeah. My son,

it's just any time I'm changing my daughter, it's napping out, just come, and it's just the innocent curiosity of him just being like, why is she not got what I've got? And you're like, buddy, you've got to stop looking at everybody.

vagina you see like there will become a time when you get to look at a bunch of them right and it's and it's you know it's it's something you earn it's something you get that you got it every time I'm changing this is already an awkward moment he's just like what's that I'm like it's a vagina what does it do a fucking bad I'm not even that sure a little Scottish photo what the fuck is that yeah it's it's fun um so a pleasure to have you on board with us because you obviously like by the way stee and will and james smurden getting this studio back together i've never done this before but stee that's for you mate yeah you can't hear it but they're all going crazy stinky bins we would not have the studio ready but also uh for sloss to come in

and do the dungeon mastering again which is a lot there's a lot of development and you're in charge of basically us drunk but this also comes after five days following Scotland's national team in Boston. Yeah. And that sounded like pretty heavy. It was the greatest time of my life. Like I've not been to, it was my first time experience in the Tartan army abroad, not through any choice of my own, just the fact that we don't fucking qualify for

anything. But like when it was announced that it was like Brazil and we all went, oh fuck. and then Morocco and we were like oh Jesus Christ and then I went Haiti I said to my wife I have to go to that match

our first World Cup match since 1990 98 the first match that we have a chance of winning since before I was born a welcome match since 92?

90 I was it 90 sorry the previous one yeah and it's the and it's first so you haven't got like I don't want this

to happen I know all Scottish people hate English people and the England national team but I've got mates like I message Mark, I went, I know you hate us, but I really hope Scotland do well and that you

have the time of your life. I'm like rooting for my mates who are experiencing this amazing thing. But if you get swatted by Brazil and Morocco do a number on you and then you play Haiti, yeah, it's nice to win, but you're already potentially out. This way round, it's, there's just all potential and hope. Sky's the fucking... Well, you're probably through. Three points probably gets you through now. I need you to stop fucking jenksin it while I'm in the room. You've rat. Can't. I also think Brazil.

or not what Brazil were. I think there's another point in them two games for you. Absolutely. And also, like, that is as great as an experience, the fucking three days hours away was. That was the worst 90 minutes of my entire fucking life. Like that match, we were so boringly shit and clearly, like, so the pressure of the moment,

the fear of, like, Scotland do well when they're underdogs. Any game that we're supposed to win, you can sort of see just the immense pressure of fucking 25,000 Scots been like, if you lose this, then... Did you go up early? We got in the... Yeah, like the...

Oh, two days... No, no, sorry, in the match were you 1-0 early? Yeah, 16 minutes in. And that was the only two minutes, sorry, George. John McGinn's goal, two minutes afterwards, and then... Because Haiti were in the second half

all over us, right? Faster running around. John McGinn was getting his big, fat, sexy arse out every five minutes trying to win a fucking free kick and it's like, buddy, I need you to fucking snap someone here. Like, it was so stressful. And like most of the Scottish fans were in like the way and then.

I imagine if I'd been sat down there, like with the hype and things, I would have been less stressed. We were sat beside fucking yanks who were so accommodated to us. And they were like, we loved Boston, changed my view on a lot of fucking things. But just these yanks being like, so you guys must be excited. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Shut. Shut.

I think you have no idea how fucking stress. But they're like, hey, buddy, but you're up. This is exciting. I'm like, you've never seen us playing before. You don't know. You're like an advertising fun? Yeah. You're like an avidton fun?

We can throw this away. Let us be miserable. Any fucking moment. Yeah. Like, I will be the happiest person in the world the second this final whistle goes, I'll be up on these fucking chairs. I'll buy everyone in the stadium a fucking drink.

And tell them, I need you to shut the fuck up before I knock your jaw off in front of your kids. Like, I just need, they couldn't fucking do it. Also like the like when we start singing No Flower of Scotland because we've got the advantage of

like one, that's an anthem that can be yelled right and it's one because there's no other connotation sort of in it. Like I always feel sorry for like England fans because for a lot of you who wants to sing about God

and the royal family? Oh our national anthem sucks balls. It's like it's a real if you love the royal family and you're a Christian I imagine that you're able to sing that with your whole heart. But like if you're normal and not thick, agreed, my guy.

Then it's really hard. I know you love your team. I know you love your country, but God save my God. It must be. Well, Land of Hope and Glory is the better one, isn't it? Yeah. Jerusalem people say they'd like to have them.

Is that the one you just do at the cricket? Like, you can belt out. It's the same with like, like, like, America has one of the, worst national anthems. Really? Absolutely. Pathetic, isn't it?

And they don't shut up about it as well. It's so, you like it? He likes the NFL. There's two things I like about the, that I've seen Chris Stableton perform it live at a Super Bowl. So I've seen it done where it's cool as fuck and well done. But it's also one of those anthems that has a really difficult part to sing, which puts certain celebrities right on the hot seat.

terms of their, like, knocking out. Was it Barbara Streisand that absolutely fucked it into the wall at the last moment? Yeah, it's great. I hate that, but it's like, stop fucking, like, a national anthem is supposed to be like yelled in some of your heart. Stop harmonising.

Yeah, no, I think that's weird. This is a song for the public to sing. Most public cannot fucking sing. You want, you want like 40,000 yanks to be, and the home of the chung. Fly over. Fucking love it.

Woo! It's pathetic. Like the German national anthem every time they sing it. Deutschland, Deutscheuber alas. You can see them like just keeping their arms

directly to fucking keep them down. Are you coming back to me now? Which way is the flyover coming? Zah! I've got a new. Did she knows, just leave it. Just leave it. The French one's cool.

French one's great. It's cool as fuck. Yeah. And everyone knows the start of it. What? Go on. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Everyone knows.

It's all a bit Napoleonic for me. Never forget. It's like the Stock National Anthem for me there. But the Italians, the Italian national anthem... It's been so long since we've heard it. It's so great to be on this side of the fence for us. The Italian national anthem has a point where he goes, Let's kick it up a bit.

And it just has a second part that's got a bit better. I fucking love the Italian. You're naming the top five, by the way. Classic FM ranked the top five. France number one. Italy, number two. Number three, you like this. Dan, Russia.

What's Russia? What's Russia? No idea. Stong. Something about fucking cheating on peptide. Cheating on peptide. I'm allowed to cheat on peptides. I'm not in the fucking 2008 Olympics.

Cheating, cunt. Argentina at number four. Yeah. And then number five, my hen will hamph and high. I die. Wales. Mears. Is that a good one?

Yeah. That is a good one. Yeah. Yeah. But whilst people can sing as well. Yeah. On the whole. I'd suggest having been in a bar in Swansea, in a comedy club in Swansea,

with a lot of Welsh people watching Finn play guitar and sing, and they tried to join in. And I don't think all Welsh people can sing. No, but I think like, on the, like, a man for man, they're a good singing nation, aren't he? Yeah, they like a choir, don't they? I like a men's choir. Not insinuating end of it I'd love to join a choir I've said it before

Is that a dragon on your flag Because that's not the only thing About your country That's flaming We'll dragging me balls Across men's chin Nice That's what we say

That's what we all say So did you just go out On Boston after that And just smash the town I'll have a Boston Yeah we got there like They didn't smash anything up There was a fucking city worker

They was like These guys are amazing They were drinking in the party but they've tied it up after themselves. They've been great. There was like the bit where we were all out on the streets before the match, before people started like going to make their way to the match.

And you're not allowed to drink on the streets in Boston and like the police were walking past. And we were just like, you like, you like drinking the streets here? And we're like, no, but there's nothing we can do to stop any of you from doing this. And then just any time the cop like turns around like a bunch of mere cats, you just see a bunch of Scottish people taking their sunglasses.

getting a wee bag out their pocket. Just the greatest fucking atmosphere. And then, because it was, Foxborough Stadium's like fucking 80 minutes outside of Boston. It's not Boston, is it? No. So a bunch of Scots had hired American school buses to take these contingents out.

So you just see groups of like 30 to 40 Scots disappearing around the corner, getting on these school bus, putting their flags out the window, and then driving past all the Scots. Every single time they're out the window and they're cheering to all of us. 4,000 Scots just start chatting.

Pidos! Pidos! And then they go at the stadium. And they're just Scott on Scott cry. They're on a school bus, mate. You're a fucking non. Doesn't matter if there's no kids. You are a beast good sir.

I saw at least 30,000 like Scottish fans just went to see the Red Sox. Man, the Fenway Park footage is so funny. There was a bunch of America. Because they would, obviously, normally the Tartan Army marched to the stadium, right? And the Axel, like, you're not doing that. It's all fucking highways and stuff. So they organized a march to Fenway Park because it's actually in Boston.

And then they all just bought, like, the cheap seats at like the far end of the beach. And so many American was, especially Red Sox baseball fans, it's like, we've never seen an atmosphere like it in our lives. They lost six four or four two or some shit like that. No Scottish person paid attention. and all these baseball players playing like at their home stadium just going,

who the fuck is John McGent? That's so good. It's so funny. But at the baseball, every time there's like a break in play, they'd get a song on, don't they? And then the Scots would just keep singing it for 10 minutes.

Imagine if you were at Red Sox, like, fan and you're like, you've never been to the game before. This is the one, you know, like, the one, remember we went to Everton and there was a mum who had like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her lad there. And you could tell they were there

because it was a cheaper, like, cup ticket. Yeah. Imagine if that is the game where you're like, you're finally going to Fenway. Yeah. We've saved, put it for like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory moment ago.

Here's your ticket. Go and enjoy. And then you're just by chance in the middle of the Tarzan Army. I went, what, 500 miles on. Amazing. The DJ both, because like so many of Scotland's, like,

the Tarant Army songs are just like unofficial. fucking tunes. They clearly did their research in both stadiums because we were losing our mind afterwards. Being like they know this one? Like they got it right. We stayed in the stadium

for ages afterwards and yeah, it was fucking If you've progressed out of the group and get to like last 16, are you going to go you're going to go back? I've told, my wife is so fucking sound. Like she lets me away with a lot. Like when I told her I was going to the Haiti game, she was like, yeah, absolutely.

I got a busy two months. with lots of stuff around the country. It's not really a convenient time for me to go to the last 32. I'm building a doghouse right now. I've got the paint coming in because if we get out that fucking... But you're dropping shit if you get to the quarters of semis.

Surely. To be fair, like, I don't think I would go to the match. I don't think I could put myself through it again. But like, just getting the plane ticket to wherever it is and watching it in the fan zone or in the bar would be like enough of me. I don't know if I could sit in a stadium have an experience that mind-numbing stress.

I cannot do it. But hang on, if you go to America and then you find a sports bar close by, and there's loads of Scottish fans, you're still going to feel all the excruciating nerves just on a telly in the corner of a sports bar, surely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but then I don't have to walk away from the stadium and get a fucking taxi or get a bus home and stand in queues of like,

like the cure, if we, if, when we lose and whatever knockout fucking stage, I'm at the bar. I'm two minutes away from drowning my sorrows as opposed to like,

you know, especially if we meet you fucking cunts in like the last 32 or the last 16 and you gubbers. I can't. Yeah, but also on the flip side the unbelievable

relations to say I was there when we wore a quarter like instinct. Yeah, look, it's, I'm undecided. But like the, I do agree with the anxiety

I'll feel fucking anywhere. But like just knowing how much we'd spend on tickets. Like, Gareth Wahoo, I took over. I surprised him with the tickets. I flew him out there because I was like, this is such an astonical fucking moment. And he was like, this is nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Like he's like, I don't think I'll ever get a gift like this ever again. He's saying thank you. He's so grateful. We had a beautiful day. 45 minutes into the match, he turns to me. He's like, I'll never forgive you for putting me through that. He's like, this is the, this is the, this is the. huntiest thing anyone has ever

fucking done to me. I hate this so much. Because like we don't go out there, you know, even when you guys were two to, drawing yesterday. Like there's a sense of feeling in the stadium being like, I mean, Croatia, what? World Cup finalists,

like semi-finals in the fucking Euros. A great team Croatia for you guys to have the confidence to be like, we probably will still win this. To be one-nil up at Haiti and going, How are we going to fuck this? I think Dan's the only England fan in the room. I think you're the only England fan. Yeah, and it's my life.

Yeah. I live and breathe it. Yeah. No, but he's Turkey and Wales. I'm indifferent. Are you in England fan? I'm Bosnia. Bosnia.

I couldn't give it. I've said this before. I'd rather have Wiggin win a corner than England win the World Cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. I've just got no. Do you know what?

Like, I said to myself, ahead of this World Cup highlight, it'd be nice to get more into it. And then I dressed up as a wizard during the entire game, didn't watch any of it. So now I feel I've missed the boat. The only reason I want to go into in the World Cup is because I won Harry Kay into and the Ballandor. That's it. I want Harry Kay into in the Ballandor. That'll make

me happy. I think that... It's a disgrace. Those three lines on a shirt. Yeah. Jewel's remain still gleaming. But that's... He knows all the words. That's what I like about English club football fans is like, if you ask any Scottish person, right, would you would you rather Hebs' heart?

Kilmarnock win the league or would you rather Scotland won the World Cup? I'm guessing 95% are going Scotland winning the World Cup. You ask any like non-top, maybe even the top four English like Man City fans, Wiggin fans, would you rather England won the World Cup or Wiggin won the

Carabut? It isn't even close either. If I ever won a trophy England don't even like it doesn't even think it's only even a thing. This is why this country is going down the fucking story. This is what Farage is going to give us back. A bit of pride.

If you don't follow the boys in the three lion's shirt, you need to get out. I drove through a march through the day. I was telling Finn that I drove through a march on County Road the other day. And everyone had like England flags, Union Jack flags. And I saw a fellow unfurler flag.

And he had the Georgian flag. Because obviously he's thought that it's like a super St. George's flag. Because it's got little mini St. George's in it. You said, why don't you fucking head the balls, man. That's so funny. Which Georgia are us?

At some point. No. It's just... I mean, ever? No, I'm not saying that's the... No, the flags, the flags look. But I'm just saying, was Georgia?

Was it ever colonized by us? I mean, at some point, we would have had the state of Georgia, maybe, but not the actual country of Georgia. Did we? But St. George wasn't even... Because they're dead religious.

St. Georgia? St. Georgia. Fucking, he's, you know, he's a proud Englishman and he's got the wrong flag. Soz. You know, guys can't go and have a bit of fun. By taking the New Zealand flagging just holding the top little corner.

Yeah. This is the one. Not taking that flag. Black. No, they're not. There's the old blacks. There ain't no black in the Union Jack. There ain't no all blacks in the Union Jack.

You know, being the contrarian just for the fuck of it doesn't feel very comfortable when you end up being a right-wing douchebag accidentally on your own podcast. Let's have a little break and then come back with some preparation. And we are back. We're back again. We're back again. Guess who's asking a question?

Landry. What a guess? How did you know that? You love Landry, don't you? We all love Landry. Yeah. He's a great man. Landry says, I think he's a man. Wag-wag-wagli, it's got a question for you.

We all know about national treasures, but who would you consider to be an international treasure? Somebody who has loved across the board all over the world. And cheers, that's from Landry, long-time listener. Robert Irwin. Who's Robert Irwin? Steve Irwin's son. Oh, yeah. Oh, nice.

Because he went on Dancing in the Stars in America and like he's jacked as fuck. Is it? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just like so much like his dad's in the sense of like, just filled with all this love and hope and kindness that like, yeah. Yeah, but his whole thing is just, Steve Air was the original one of this.

And I was just copied his... What's he meant to do? Be a dickad. No, but I mean, to Blitzry got, my dad was like an alligator nonce. Yeah. And he was like really good energy and he wore car keys and all that.

Quite reductive and glib way to talk about. Steve Irwin, but I don't think it's that far off though, is it? My dad was an alligator nuns. Oh my God, am I being reductive on the Hoverwood podcast, Colin? He was a fucking allegation. He was a crocodile nonce.

And he was like, oh, look, he's going to fucking bite me. He's all right, get him in a headlock. And then his son has gone, I miss me dad. He's a good guy. I know, I'll be. Exactly like him. Robert?

I'll be exactly like him. Would you rather he abused animals? Yeah, it'd be a plot twist, that wouldn't it? If he was an actual crocodile, non. He'd just set up out, set up a cock ring. It was just like, here, we're doing illegal bits. On Kshogi. Chasing crocodiles around going,

ah, look, it's fucking fading time. Ah, he's fucking, it'd be so much more interesting than if, if Robert Irwin tried to stick his dick in a crocodile. Putting cigarettes out in koalas. They're endangered these. Do you reckon he like stingrays or dracon he, that is like the one animal, he's like, nah, man. Or I reckon he's so filled with love at and maturity

that he's like, look, you can't blame one. You can't believe them all for the actions of one of them. Yeah. He's got demons though, hasn't he? If he's jacked. He's got some, what are his demons? Oh, his dad's dead? Yeah.

Is that got murdered? By a stingray. And that's why he works out. Because one day, he'll punch the fuck out of a stingray. And then I'll like him. When did his dad die? What year was that? 2006, that's my guess.

I want to say, 2004. 2004 would be my guess. No, I reckon, 2007 maybe, because I remember it. 2006? Wow. Where they were? Because I was the alligator non-snow. I was...

I remember really not giving a shit. So I was seven when you died. It was our generation's Diana. Well, sorry, that's actually Ryan Dunn. Yeah, that's more sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And similar circumstances. The Queen killed Ryan Dunn.

Who's Ryan Dunn? Didn't he play for Everton? No, he's the... David Dunn and no? Who's Richard Dunn? He played for Everton, yeah. Did the Queen kill him? He's still alive?

He's got a long goal somewhere. Richard Dunn is my generation's Diana. Yeah. Make that make sense. I made... So I was seven when he died. I made a tribute video for Steve Irwin when he died because I was so affected by it.

I don't think I knew who he was, but I'd just learned how to use Windows movie maker and I was experimenting. Yeah. I'd pay so much money. It was like a slide show of pictures of him. Like, do you know, like, the cheapest effects? So he's like going in different colours.

But he's like holding a crocodile. What was the song? Born to be wild. Good choice. He was. He was. Is there ever been a son that has been so fucking unoriginal that they've just copied the dad's look and life?

Do you just spies? Yeah. Just, yeah. Right, for the last three minutes. You're talking about Prince William? Is Dick Van Dyke one? A NEPA, maybe? No, internationally.

Oh, we'll go back to the... You ate him, him, though, yeah? I was like, who's Dick Van Dyke's son? No, he's been mocking me for years. Greg Van Dyke, yeah. Or Virgil. No, no, but Greg Dyke is older, isn't he? It's good stuff.

Dick Van Dyke is surely internationally loved. Tom Hanks. No, people think he's a paedophile. Yeah, people think he's on there. Who thinks he's a paedophile? Lots of people. This isn't just here. And also, he was like the spokesman for COVID, wasn't he?

Hey? Oh, bloody hell, Tom Hanks has got it. We're all going to die. And don't worry, I'm Tom Hanks and I'm all right. Remember? Oh, I remember that. You're defending Bobby Irwin and not Tom Hanks? No, no, we're defending Tom Hanks.

We're just saying there are like, Magas out there that think he's on, like, the Epstein list and that he's... He's too. clean, man. He is a bit of a liar as well because he claimed that he put a bet on

Lester to win the Prem. He's like, who we fucking kidnapped. Yeah, you're lying. Oh, yeah, when then he's a paedophile, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, sorry, he's so clean, because he's not mentioned on the Epstein list at all, then he must be a massive paedophile. Yeah, that's good reason in that. Yeah. Good reason. He's Woody?

Sounds like a boner to me. Yeah, with kids. A child boner. Yeah. A kid's filled with Woody in it. Yeah, he's a piece. Everyone,

everyone that was a football different film. that wasn't on in the Epstein files. It's a paedophile. Desmond 2-2. We're watching. And the only man who has mentioned 25,000 times in the

Episophiles, obviously not a paeer file. Listen, he's been exonerated, Daniel. He's completely exonerated by his own Department of Justice. All right? If Pam Bondi says you're not a paedifier, you're not a paedifier.

Who's gonna do? His wife? That's the law? Is that Bondi's wife? Great. Again, great work. It's really, good work.

Is Bradley Walsh up there? He's not international. Nobody outside of... What? He's a national treasure, but do you think the game of a Bulgarian? Bradley Walsh? Bradley Walsh is not a national treasure.

He is he? He's the host of the chase. Easy. Fanny Schmeller. Fanny Schmeller? Fanny Schmeller. He couldn't sniff. Judy Dench his farts, mate.

Stop the clock, that is wrong. See, I know all his catchphrase? Cat three. Fanny Schmeller. It can't be incident. National treasure. He's the lower-end national treasure. He's the poor man's national treasure.

Any other internationals? He's all white Steve Harvey. He just laughs at stuff relating to bums and that. He's like, bloody out, on the chase at 6 o'clock. I know he's the national one, but Attenborough is international as well, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, little bit, yeah.

Keanu Reeves. Yeah. He's a good one. He's really internationally in life. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. Keanu Reeves is so sound,

but it's a concern that he's sort of like falling off a motorbike banged his head. And we don't realize he's suffering from some sort of brain injury. Yeah, you know, because he's worth $380 million. And he just wanders around and people are like, oh, are you Keanu Reeves? And he's like, yeah, yeah, do you want to hang out today?

And he doesn't just do selfies. He goes for like afternoon tea with people. That's great. To the point where everyone's like, Keanu, can you fuck off now? Because we're just trying to do some sightseating. it's nice that he's so sound with everyone but is he mental

you're the great Robert Pattinson story which is like after all the Twilight movies come out when he's like trying to sort of he only did those movies to make all the fucking money and then like become a real actor he had this girl that was like obsessed with him for years and used like borderline stalking so in order to get rid of her as a stalker

he just agreed to go on a date with her and just complained about his life for two hours and was just miserable as fuck and she never bothered him again it's so good it's more a great way it's like I would die for you well I mean I'd rather just die myself

to be honest because life isn't really and she's just there being like this miserable con Nicholas Cage I he's Marmite isn't he yeah he's a bit does anyone hate Nicholas Cage

I don't love him oh you do he buys castles he can't tell me I love him him. I don't love him. Oh, I thought NKhaj would be a bit of everyone, mum. He's all right. International Treasure, Kierstarmor. Yeah.

Find me, name 45 million people there. Just off the top of your head. What about Steve Carell? I feel like everyone likes Steve Carell at the office. The office is international. Will Ferrell as well. Good shout. No, some people fucking hate Wilfair.

Yeah, they're over-exposure, though, with Will Ferrell. Is that the thing that, because you can't, hate him as a person really is it just that you've seen too much of it i think there's some people out there that just fucking hate his movies they just think it's yeah that i mean i suppose you either love or you hate will i don't know that that's weird it's the same as jinkary isn't it yeah it's a divisive thing i mean any international treasuries i would say 95% of porn stars realistically oh yeah no but then the the the christian like contingent

they're wanking more than any of it johnny sins done who johnny sin's Hmm. Don't know. You look like him today. Is he a pornographic performer? No, he's an electrician who fucks women. Is he the one? Which is rare for electricians.

Is he the one with the, he's got a leg tattoo, hasn't he? He looks like you? Unless we're thinking about a different Johnny sins. We must be because he looks like you. Right, well, I'm wank into a different dude. Is that like drum into a different beat?

Are you thinking of Danny D? I think of Danny D. What? that big gimpy cunt from England with a 12 inch cock Nah mate I just I just want a good kiak I want to I want girth as well

I want to see girth I want to see a bit of stretch Jesus Christ Any other international I think there's many as there really Gary Bucci Gary Bucci Do you know

Legit genuinely Dan mentioned the motorcycle clash I was like Gary Bucci's in my head now You just want to do the voice Don't you? Do the bodice? Burrashash

Is he not dead yet? He's on my deathpool and I don't, I thought that was a fucking tap-in. I don't think anyone hates Gary Busey though. Oh no, that I fucking... I hate him, I don't even know he is. He hates his face?

Yeah, anyone that fucking crazy, you're just like, just fucking die. You didn't point blame. Stop being that fucking mental. It's exhausting, it's boring. You don't live in reality. Take yourself out of the actual one. Not for me.

There's not many international treasures, isn't it really? Tom Anxon. So you will start calling him a paedophile. I don't think he's a perennified. People think he is.

My people are wrong. Morgan Freeman? Is there anyone on Tom Hanks? Morgan Freeman. Yeah, Morgan Freeden. Fregan. Mormon Fregan. Morgan Fregan is,

he's so loved. Yeah. Everyone knows who Morgan Fregan is. He loves penguins as well, then he? I think Morgan Freeman is an international treasure. I think there's a good one.

Yeah. He's old American men. Yeah. And he's black, so, you know. Is he? I don't. I've never noticed.

It's one of them in it. He'd be like, why do you hate more than three? Is that what you just? I'm not kidding. He's one of them, isn't it? Let them off one as well. Are there any politicians that are universally loved? There is everyone.

No, I think it's... Obama? Obama, we love curry. What? That was the Chris Tarant thing, wasn't it? Oh, yeah. That wasn't racial. Right.

Even like, the closest one is Jacinda Arden. I'd say the old day. New Zealand Prime Minister, the lady one, she was, I think COVID happened and then all the fucking psychos decided they fucking hated her. She just seemed massively reasonable. Yeah, oh, the documentary on her,

which is, you know, a really lame thing to say it's really good. She's just like a human being who... Daniel Sloss's documentary corner. Thank you for bringing her. It's called Prime Minister. It's very, very good. She just seems like a really genuine human being. Also, I watched the documentary

while on a plane from New Zealand to Sydney and for whatever fucking reason Jacinda Arden follows me on Instagram so I'm drinking wine on the fucking plane I watch the documentary and I connect to the Wi-Fi and I send her a message and she's telling her how proud I am of her

and she replied by the time of my laugh No, fuck off! Yeah, yeah What does you say? That's so cool I'm just watching your film DM in Prime Ministers. It's one thing to slide into her Kiwi Prime Minister's DMs. It's another to get a response.

Oh my God, there's a conversation. Daniel, it's so kind of you to message me. I was talking to Louis Davis, a QEM, social media guy, about you a couple of weeks ago. I hope the cyclone stuff didn't mess up your meeting or your tour. We're over in Sydney these days, and if you're ever in these parts, let me know. We're known for an overly familiar culture,

and I'd like to take you for a coffee sometime. What the fuck? You drink who a priming is this? That's meant. Hopefully next time I'm in Sydney. Can I, I need some contacts on that. Went to the White House, didn't he with Jenny Kales? Oh, okay, cool.

Yeah, it makes Tilton. A jetty kales, sorry. Jenny Kells isn't a person. Kier-Starmid didn't message with Mike when I said I was proud of him. No coffee with Starmat. Let's do some low-level conspiracies with Carl Reader. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. It's a low-level conspiracy. Watch your back. With Carl Ridge. You back. Watch you back. Whoever made the low-level conspiracy jingle, well done, man. Low-level conspiracy,

Jake Lindley says, Disney made a film called Frozen, so that when people search for Disney Frozen, they find the movie instead of stories about the rumor that Walt Disney was cryogenically frozen. I love that. That is really good. It's not fucking low-level, though, is it?

Well, by that logic, They should also come up with a Disney movie called Jew Hater. I'd watch it. Jake Turner made the jingle, by the way. Well done, Jake. He's meant to be hidden under the log flume, and he.

Jake Turner? Jake Turner and Walt Disney, both of them. No, he's not hidden anywhere. I thought he's frozen and then, because the reason is kind of in case he gets brought back. He's frozen and he is one of the long flums. He's like one of the...

Katie Bridges says, I've got... He's not. He's not. He's not. Under the... Logfleur? No, mate.

Wasn't the last thing... The last thing you ever wrote was Kurt Russell and no one knows why. Not even Kurt Russell. Is that true? Yeah, the last thing Walt Disney ever wrote down was the words Kurt Russell. That is surely a clue.

How did he die? They get shot. And Kurt Russell was only like 11 or something. Skip folk. That's real, isn't it? I'm never wrong. He wrote Kurt Russell down and died. The name of teenage actor,

Kurt Russell, on a handwritten note just before he died. I'm not fucking... That's mental. That's a good caret Russell story if he's ever at a party. Yeah. Yeah, he hasn't got any of us.

He has a dying words were me. Yeah. Did you know him? Nope. Just rent free in his fucking head. Katie Bridges says, I've got a low-level conspiracy for you, lads. Bees and wasps only target kids. Every sting story starts with

when I was about eight. I've never heard an adult say. I got absolutely. twatted by a wasp on the way to work this morning. They take one look at a 35-year-old bloke eating meal deals for tea and think he's already been stung enough. Yeah, I also think kids love complaining. I mean, like, if I got stung, I probably wouldn't tell you.

But as kids, like, oh... You absolutely would tell us it if you got stung by a bee. No, I probably wouldn't. You'd open with it. I don't think I would. I don't think it's also good because as an adult, you freak out less around fucking B so you're not like, ugh. and then they're not getting up in your house.

Kids are stupid? I reckon in the end of this, what I've noticed whenever I've been on holiday and I don't have any science to fucking back this up. Mosquitoes won't bite you if you're on cocaine.

It's the only time I've ever, whenever I'm on holiday, the only time I'm not waking up with fucking midi bites is if I've got a bunch of gear in my system. I think like one of them takes a bite and then loses his fucking malmium. And you can hear him in the room.

Yeah. And then all the other ones are like, have been bit by midget on cocaine? Oh, ooh. Um, I, uh,

no, and I don't think I've been bitten by a mosquito for the last 20 years, and I spent most of that occasionally doing cocaine, so maybe enough residuals in your system. Maybe they can just smell the sort of decay.

Yeah. And go, no, this is, this is not one. This is, because the mosquitoes, do they suck on,

do they suck blood? Yeah, right. I think I'm, I think I'm spoiled. good. Okay, that's not bad. Whereas if you live in a healthy life, good for you.

You'll live forever, but you'll do it with loads of mosquito bites on holiday. It's like how gingers can't donate sperm. And they also feel pain more. Ginger's? Yeah. I know, I've heard that. What? Ginger's can't donate sperm.

Or maybe at least at some point they couldn't. Are you thinking about gays and not being allowed to donate blood and you've just got too? No, I think there was spurn. There were spurn banks that were denying gingers from donating sperm because people don't want ginger babies. Oh. That is a true fact.

It's all in my head. I mean, I'm never wrong. BBC. BBC. BBC report on it. So, you know, how true. 2011, this is. Up until 2011? They were like, no, no.

This was in 2011. Not, they were being turned away at that point because they, I think they were overstocked. It was like a bad DVD. There was too many of them. 2011 was like a partite for gingers. Wow. And then I don't know.

Who's the, Ginger Nelson Mandela, Prince Addy. Out of John. Mick Hocknell. McHawton, Freed them. Ed Shearing. Ed Shearing, yeah. Luke Madley says, this is a local one.

Now then, Lids, low-level conspiracy for you. Johnny Bongo took gay culture, presented it to stray 18 to 30-year-old women, and added some bingo, and made an entire empire. I'm on to him. Is that just a fact?

Just a fact, yeah. Yeah, he's an absolutely... a fact. He's a fact. She's a genius. It is like, bongo's bingoes. Kind of gay,

in it? Have we been to a bongos bingo? No, but when we were in a, I was on tour in York, about three weeks ago, we were in on the Friday and like, because my fans are all fucking autistic losers, right?

They're like Japanese football fans. They're just polite to everyone. They're cleaning up afterwards. Like, there's no fucking rousiness. And then we were talking to the staff afterwards. We're like, who you got in tomorrow?

and they just, they changed the full room to like the fucking Viking tables. They had like 50 extra security guards and they were like, we got Bongo's Bingo in tomorrow. And I was like different crowds and they were all like, yeah.

It's the exact opposite. There's just something magic in the air when Bongo's Bingo. It is so fun. I'd love to go. It looks. And it's like, it's like a night out.

This is not like a big advert for Johnny, even though he's the best. It's like a safe night out in it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, we worked it out because everyone, sat at a table, everyone's, it's amazing because it's feral at points, but there's no trouble but everyone's in their spot. So girls feel safe because you can't have some pesty guy

come in and bother anyone because everyone's just sat. So if you're being a cunt, everyone knows where you are. You can't escape the bounces because it's like, yeah, you're sat there and you're being a fucking weirdo. So you're gone. Yeah, yeah. Why are you layering over somebody else's bingo cars? Can't the fuck out of here. Stephen Mark says, all right, lad. it's low-level conspiracy for you. I think if the petrol pumps can tell you're playing the game when you're trying to land on the price without stopping, now they know the game exists.

They've set it to go from 29 pounds 99 to 30 pounds and one pence. So then you try to get to 35 pounds and always put more in than you first wanted. I know you're going to say, I'm shit at the game, but I've tested it by pressing it really lightly and watched it jump. I think that's a great one. I mean, it's very cynical about big oil. You know, I can't name any bad things they've done in the past.

So I tend to trust them as an organisation. It's also harder to do when diesel's £1.90 a later. Because a touch of the thing is fucking 40 pence. Sometimes nothing comes out though and it goes up. I think if you get it, if you're not squeezing it lightly and you're just going for it and if you just take it off and it's a round number, They have to give you that for free.

I think that should be just across the board. Do I play the game? What I do is I fill my car up. It's the same as not filling it up because eventually you're going to put the same amount in. So I hold it until it clicks. But I face the other way and guess the exact price that it's going to be.

So I'll say a number of me. I'd like it's going to be this. And I've got within like 5P once and it was one of the best days my entire life. Me and my wife do that with big shops. Oh, we get to the front. We do it with like when we go to a restaurant, what do you think the price?

The big shop, I'm good at the big shop one because I do the shopping. She makes the lists, I go to the shop, so I usually win that. What's your average big shop, what you're dropping? Nowadays, in this economy? It's insane, isn't it? Because of it, we don't really do a big shop anymore.

We kind of shop like day to day over like a two-day period. We'll buy today and tomorrow's food. And that's still like 60 quid. I was for a family for a fucking week. it's 180, 220 sometimes. Easily. There's only two of us.

And if we do a big, big shop like that a week, we're dropping 150. Yeah. Even on club card prices. Damn. Even at Saints, Bob's. Yeah, it's ridiculous now.

It's insane. One more of these. Zach Witter says, all right, Lids, I think that the global Bluetooth network is on its knees. There are too many devices on it and it's going to go down soon.

I've noticed AirPods, both headphones, speakers, etc., disconnecting or dropping out far more than they used to. To combat this, big Bluetooth are actually paying celebrities,

footballs, etc., to go back to wired headphones causing sales to go through the roof for the first time in years. It's a self-preservation tactic. Interesting. This Bluetooth thing's definitely real. I mean, I don't know

if it's a conspiracy, but mine, when the train doors open, mine stop working and I don't know what happens there. Like a signal. It's like a noise cancelling thing but then when the train doors open they just stop. Do you ever get anyone like if you're like on public transport and

anywhere in public really somebody else is like you just get we pop up and it's somebody else trying to connect their Bluetooth things but you get the option to connect. I will always press connect. I always pre-act. I can't tell your music now. I'm here to fuck up your day and I'm going to work out who you are

and just follow you around and just make sure you never connect to these headphones. Sorry, their headphones out of nowhere just try and connect with your phone. You've got AirPods and you're on an iPhone. They'll click iPhone to get it's theirs, which yours. But then you can't listen to your music. No.

You're just DJing for one person. They're DJing for me. They're desperately trying to get their headphones to work so they can listen to music. And I'm just stealing their music. Not even listening to it. Just not letting them use their own headphones. I'll do the AirDrop game in a, like a busy place.

I haven't enough for ages, but I'll just start sending pictures to people around them. just watches they look they know it's me on a plane send a photo of the pilot like

I've got a low love of conspiracy and I'm going to throw in spiders don't exist anymore I don't think spiders exist in this country anymore when was the last time we saw a big spider on your wall yesterday

really in your in England in Scotland in Edinburgh we get you because my wife fucking hate spiders so but because we got

two young kids and she just want to pass that fear on she's not allowed to freak out like so she'll just like walk into a room stiff as a board she's like can you just go take a quick look in the bathroom please and it's like shit I'm a lot of high five

I'm like that's my girl fuck yeah I've seen some fucking I have not seen a Joe like a Joe in my mum's out when I was a kid she had the wall spiders and you're like wow it's like a fucking potato with legs I've not seen that you know the spiders

are just like the little fucking ball with like the big legs. I've not seen those. Daddy long legs are gone, man. No. I, maybe my house is really insulated. Still going. I don't see any of that shit anymore

and I haven't done for ages. Is Wallace eating insects? No, he's not, because they're on the walls, aren't they? I've got a cat as well and he, like, he'd chase them. But I haven't seen a big spider for ages. Also, when you're a kid,

you're smaller, so the spider looks massive. No, but I haven't seen, like, I remember my mum's house. Maybe she, I don't, I don't, I used to buy him or something. She,

I walk, like, my fuck size and out on the wall it was just me I had one last week mental maybe my house is just really insulated go me what a long winded flex that was

Finn are you seeing any wall spiders no but I love your new catchphrase that you've done every week for the past few is it just me I just don't think spiders exist as much as he did when I was a kid we're going to do some advice I haven't picked my fucking favourite

Jesus, God. It's the smart one. What were they again? You'll know it. It's your favourite. Go on. The Frozen one was great. The Disney one. Do you know what?

I like that one. Frozen. Because he can't remember any of the other ones. No, that was a good one. The Frozen one. Give us your catchphrase. Oh, is it just me? I'll do some advice.

to help, I'll solve your problems, I'll tell you the best thing to do. If you want to do it, you'll be fine. If you don't, you might do time. Agony Adam. Shell says, hey boys, I think you guys will be able to help me out here, or at least give some insight. My fellow is really pushing for us to get a dog, and I love dogs, but the dog I had grown up, our family dog, Jasper, only died four years ago.

And when he passed, I was absolutely heartbroken, like nothing I've felt before. And honestly, I don't think I'm able to. to get a new dog, even though I know I'd love it, because I feel like I'm not properly over Jasper. Not yet anyway. My fella means well, but he's never been through what I have, and I don't think he fully gets it.

Any advice here would be really welcome. Getting the new dog is the best thing you'll do. Yeah. It's the best decision you'll make. I understand, like, you know, not minimising the death of a fucking pet at all, but you just got it. It's one in one out. It's the only one. No, is it?

Yeah, because the, I thought you'd be, I thought they'd be like... No, there's a little period. An official period of morning. Yeah, but then, like, genuinely, the, the shift feeling, you feel, and Adam said it last week, it's because you've got all this thing that you can't put anyway. Yeah. When you get a dog, you go, oh, wasn't that lovely with you?

And then you put all that love into the new one. And then the memory of the one's lovely rather than just going, I miss them. Yeah. You put that love into something else. Honestly, like, when my child of dog died, my mum got two dogs and I was like, too early, and I felt fucking great. But I'd say, like, when I're... We had a big main coon, big cats.

A what? A main coon. Okay. I've hung out with some of them. Main coons are great. No, no, no. My ex, I've been cats. Oh, hey, cool.

You seem to... Just keep going. Just keep going. My mouth's dry. They're big. Dog-sized cats. They think they're dogs. Like, they're hunters.

They're huge, fluffy, great things. Our old one dies. And then, literally about a month later, I was like, we just have to get two more. Yeah. And when those two dial... Same breed. Same breed.

It's the only way you can say the word anymore. It's just... Get it just for that? I... We generally, we... When our cat passes, we're going to get a main coon as well. Well, I wanted a Scottish...

With little legs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a... Hang on. Sausers like I can't have two. Oh, I thought... You know the Scottish little legs cats. Yeah, Scottish little legs cats.

Yeah. Scottish fault it's called. Are we... Are we all making up breeds of animals? Scottish fault? I am banging to cats. You get a couple of main coons. You get a couple of side ones.

Then you... I like that though you didn't add to the second picture. No, no. Then it's bad. Then it's... There's a context and it's. Can tell he plays Eastern Europe. They love other shot.

Scottish fault is a fucking... It's not with short legs, though. You bang into cats, mate. I didn't know you were into... I'm alleged to them, yeah. But I love them. I love my cats so much that I'm alleged to him and I still love them. My wife, loads of cats.

and she just fucking powers through it. She's like, couldn't give this yet. Just love them, love them more than they're killing me. Yeah, literally. Yeah. Sad memories, Finn. I do not really want to talk about this, but it's, I have to.

If Wallace goes, he will, he's not immortal. Is he not? Can he be? Yeah. It's not a month, is it? I don't think I'll be, like, it's not a month.

It's probably like six months, where you be sad and you like kind of sit in the sadness and then you use the new pet to kind of like go, that was a nice thing we had. Like let's do it again. It's got to be less than six months though. Like I think that anything over that is when you're just getting into like it's, you got to replace it.

There's plenty of other dogs out there that need the love that's well enough inside of you. There's a place for it. That's what it is. It's like you can't show the love. Yeah. It's like you feel sick. Do you remember after you had your daughter and you were like, well, surely there's no way

I could ever love a second kid as much as I love that. And I was right. I was right. I mean, I love it. That's, you know. Come on, mate. You got a...

Oh, I know. Yeah. What if the second dog's a shit one? That's on the owner. Yeah, but... No, no, no, because there are shit dogs. No, not really. There are shit dogs.

No, it's like nature and nature. Very uncommon. It's going to puppy and it be a shit. dog. A pug. If you get some fucking cross-eyed, like,

what's a shit dog? An ugly dog. There's never been a good chihuahua. That is true. I wouldn't get a chihu. Or like a pom. I'm so against. A Pomeranian?

Yeah. They're the goods. No other breed. I'm against animal cruelty in every way until I see a chihuahua and then all I can think of is my fucking three wood.

Hey, I just fucking practice in my swing in the park. So have you only got cats? only go cats just now because our kids are like super young and like my wife has only ever had cats I've ever ever had dogs

my wife doesn't understand like how important like the first two years of a dog's life are in terms of like training them because I'm like if you want your four year old dog to sleep in your bed with you as like a treat you can do that if you let a puppy sleep in your bed once you fuck that yeah it's it's in there forever

and you're going to stick it like dog for the rest of your life you got to make sure those you're strict in that first year and she just doesn't have that and she loves animals too much. She would let that puppy away with murder and then we would just have a- So that's why you end up with an untrained pain in the arse adult dog

because you weren't disciplined enough in the first bit. Yeah, my mom was, my mom's one of the best. Like when all our dogs growing up were like loving, caring real good. None of them would come in the kitchen. They just understood that they just weren't. Because they went to the sloss puppy boot camp. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If the door went, they would, they knew that they were allowed to bark like three times and then anything after that. It was just like, yeah. The three wood, mate. Yeah. You've done your job. You've been a little fucking doorbell. They didn't jump up. Like, if they were hot hugs, they would sit, like, whereas, because puppies are the best.

People just let them away with murder for the first year and then you got a shit dog forever. But four years get the new... You got to get it now. That's mental. What was her name? The lady? Susan. Susan Boyle. Yeah. If it was a boy. I don't have close to left. If it was a man, she'd be called Douglas.

Um. I need more than six months if Wallace goes. I'll not be all right. Do you think I'm going to be okay? Well, I'm going to be bad. Yeah, this new little hussy of a puppy comes in thinking it's the studio dog. You fuck all, mate. Maybe you do need to believe in reincarnation then, because then Wallace will live on somewhere else.

Yeah, it was like an olive bush or something. Yeah. Or just the next dog would be. Yeah. That'd be handy, wouldn't it? He was lucky, yeah. A lot of people will get their dog made from the DNA of their current dog.

You can't get them like cloned, can you? Oh, you're fine. Yeah, clone dog. Yeah. What kind of dog is one of us? It's a sausage dog. It's a sausage dog. He's gorgeous.

He's my best mate. He's a... What's the breed? A little dude. What's it called? The literal version. Dachshund. Oh, he's a Dachshund.

Is that how you say it? Well, people say dash. but that's wrong, but I would never say it's a dachshund. Yeah, I say it's a dashund. It's a dachshund. It's the dachshund. It's the equivalent like Barcelona or Qatar. Literally. Literally. It's Qatar. Yeah, yeah. I don't care how they say it. It's Qatar.

Qatar. It's Qatar. That's why I say sausage dog because it makes it. Everyone knows what a sausage dog. I say sowsage dog. I want you to get a doggy done. I really do. I want you to up like going big walks with your collie. Okay. Can see you with a collie. A board of collie. Can see you with a collie. Like a really.

rarely obedient, loves you does everything you say dog. Right, great. Which is what I bought the collier's. Cool. Once the kids are 28, then yeah. Why 28?

I just need to, they need to be gone and then we'll get a dog. And then Laura'll leave because she won't let me have a dog. And also, one of the guinea pigs isn't looking great,

so we're gonna go. You're getting new ones, do you? Yeah. Yeah, you're not, I don't think anyone's either grieving a guinea pig. That's a three-day grief.

None of the people in the house know the guinea pig's name. they live in the garden my daughter does there'll be a state funeral when one of these guinea pigs goes Oh does she care Are you gonna bury it in the garden?

Yeah we're gonna have to And I'm gonna have to It's not gonna be like Oh this is a laugh This is gonna I'm gonna have to really Yeah yeah yeah Just cut the law on Words

Do do Do you Will the other one be present Like a little suit The other one will be buried With the other one Alive Yeah they're mates

that's what you've got to do with that deck when he's around her deck dies that'll be mad that is gonna be insane isn't it I've never thought about that Barry Chuckel died and Paul moved on DJ it's not

yeah yeah but no one wants to see Paul Chuckel do they just thinking about Barry What's you want about? No come on brother there If Paul Chuckles in the lobby you go and say hello

To me no one wants to see the Chuckel former brother Yeah Oh God Which one will go for it He's going to be Anthony he's reckless Because a bad

Boy of the deal. I'm Deck. I used to be banging Georgie Thompson. Remember there? We can't bring up deck without you saying that. It's just a real fact. All right. We're going to have a break.

We'll be back with our guest. I've never wanted to see you shirtless so much in my fucking life. Oh, don't because he will. I don't know, man. I've got World Cup fever. Are you going to linger on? Just talking about it reminding me how much I'm into this World Cup. I'm going to rip it off with my fucking teeth.

I think it's coming home. 30 years of hurt on top of the 30 years of hurt from before that Never stop me dreaming, mate Gareth Southgate's boys Are gonna fucking go over there To England

To America Tucio Who? Thomas Tuchel You've got German doing it What? You've got a German managing your team We've got a German

A German I don't know who we is but Oh That doesn't feel right Sorry It doesn't feel right As I'm meant to jump on the World Cup pipe Listen I'm all over it

I'm an Englander till I die Still got the tags on Yeah Luckily there's a JD Sports Just around the corner Woo Stephen tries Already three two

One And Stephen Trisers here Thank you It's only been three years Three fucking years Three years It's grim Three years of hurt

Yeah Three years of hurt Yeah just Just dreaming of this moment During you realise it's been that long and you think what's filled the void, nothing really. Not even the white noise? Not really.

That's just become something we do on a Wednesday, but not. No void. There's a void. Yeah, it's still a void. Still a void. I just don't know what I'm doing in my life. Yesterday I just kept saying, I think I'm depressed. Yeah?

Yeah, I just kept saying it in my head. You doing anything about it? Looked outside the window? I mean, I was talking about 30 people. Oh, that's a start. No, I stopped. I was talking I was doing therapy,

but stopped because he was also seeing my mate and he's a mess so I thought, well, it's not working, is it? It's not working.

What's he telling him? So, yeah, what they were just bitching about you? Yeah, I think it was all going to come on top of me at some point and I'd have to address the problems

so just got out of there whilst I could. You don't want a therapist doing other people that you know, surely. You want your own secret. No, no, yeah. There's a few too many people that he was speaking to, and I was thinking he's going to find out, you know,

they'll start to join the dots. Three people in this company have shared a therapist, though. At the same time. Yeah, me, Harry and Will all are the same therapist. Yeah. Before they killed themselves. Because I was getting referral money. Oh, really?

Yeah, no, not really. You had a discount code? Yeah, yeah. Did you get a group booking, like, 20% off? No, it was just like where Harry came to me and said he was sad I was like, I've got the person Will came to me, he was like, I'm stressed

I was like, I've got the person. Is it your weed dispenser? Yeah, it is. Medical cannabis. No, no, my old therapist, I've stopped now as well. Because you're hit fixed. I'm fine. You're cured.

Are you? Huh? Are you fine? I don't think anyone's ever fine, but I'm as fine as you can be. Okay. I think. Show off.

What's me? You think you're the, I mean, I think a lot of people aren't not really realize. Do you what when I think about, like last year? I was thinking, what did I do last year? And I don't think I did anything. But I'm constantly going, oh, I'm busy. And people go, oh, I know you're busy. That's always how they preface everything.

You're busy. And I'm like, oh, yeah, but I'm not. I don't know what I'm doing. Last year, what did I do? You a bit maybe like aimless. You need a new target? Probably. At the same time, I feel like I'm busy.

It's a weird one. I just don't think I'm doing, doing anything, you know, I want to be doing. What do you want to be doing? Well, I've been trying to get this script away for about six years. And in it, I play a 22-year-old. That's gone. That's awful.

Yeah. Maybe I have to write a funny acid attack at the start. So you've written a sitcom? Sitcom's been written. I did the clever thing where you write the full series before you show anyone anything. And then they read it and go, yeah, you got to change most of this. But now, who's past, BBC past. on it.

Oh, but they don't know fucking anything. That's what I, yeah, that's what I said after I read their response and I sort of started to critique their response

in the email. I thought, this isn't a good look, Stephen, you know, you can't judge their writing. But he did use the word peepers and I thought,

Peepers? Yeah. Is it like? Cheapers, thanks for letting me get my peepers on it. Oh, oh, no. They're all pedos.

No. The letters is, that's crazy. Oh, neat. So I saw that and thought, you don't, comedy. So now it's still just sort of circling the drain of anyone.

Maybe on Channel 5 soon. They've done a documentary of Richard Maydley, so I feel like they'll take something. Yeah, yeah. He was doing, what was it? The El Salvador. Richard Mayle was in El Salvador. He was doing, they've got like a really,

really strict prison over there. Why did they want him there? Because of all the time he's spent in prison. I don't know why he's there, yeah. The prison of Judy. But it's like this horrific prison where all the gangsters have just been grouped in, mass trialed,

and the lights are on constantly. And then for some reason, Richard Maydley's got, he's gone in. None of them speak English, and the translator won't say what he wants them to say. I saw a clip where it's like, Richard Mayers are like,

what do they eat? And they bring out like some fucking beans and some rice. And he's like, and where's the cutlery? And they're like, they're all murderers. Like, what are you fucking talking about? He's like, so they just, they just eat it with their fingers.

And you're like, what, like a lot of Mexican people do? A lot of the world do. Is the whole documentary trying to get Richard madely killed? No, his whole thing is, um, with this work in Britain? That is his whole question. He just keeps coming back to that. And he gets kicked out with the prison after 15 minutes. And if you know it before you watch it,

then suddenly there's so much B-roll where he's just stood outside the prison grounds of looking up and looking around. Once he get kicked out of just his personality. Even the prisoners are going, oh, Jesus Christ. I'm serving life without parole, but not what this call him. Within 13 minutes of being in there, he'd already gotten two swastika tattoos.

They were like, Richard, man, this thing. Come on. Classic made. Yeah. You did those yourself. They're the wrong way around. Full method. Did him in the mirror.

I like it. Where else are they sending him? Is it just a one-off? I don't know. So years ago, he did one on Squatters. And he's gone from Squatters to... Is he the new Ross Kemp? I've all...

Yeah, I think so. I think that's... I never have ever called. Richard Maly being the new Ross. No. Kim. Richard Madley on Squatters just feels like he has a second home.

Yeah. Had a squatters issue. He was like, well, you know, let's get rid of the man and monetize it. Richard Madley in... Where is it? El Salvador, yeah. Inside the world's mega-prison.

what's it called Richard Madeley inside the world's what was the prison called they're all called Richard made

it's called it's like an abbreviation Cicot Centro de con conifimiento del terrorism

your Spanish is really like delirismo yeah they had the highest rate didn't they have it

now but they're mayor the rate pay 100000 was ridiculous that was Salvador's murder right

it was the highest for for decades how long it's cheap out of there man how long you reckon you'd last in an El Salvadorian prison?

I'd say about three minutes. If I'm contemplating my life outside of it, stick me in with a bunch of men who look like baby owls. You know, when you just see all their eyes peering through, I thought. What are they making us do, though, after five minutes? Like, if I walk in, what are they going to do? They don't speak English. I'd be like, I don't know what you're saying, mate.

I don't think you need to speak English to stab here. No, but I'd be like, I don't know what you'd ask me to do, so I can't do it, brother. I don't think that stops sexual assault in prisons. Like, you know what? I want to bum him. He doesn't understand what I'm saying. No, I'm going to understand.

No, how can I get consent if he doesn't speak Spanish? I think the scary thing is you might go in the El Salvador Terismo prison and you might enjoy the structure and order of it. You could thrive.

Maybe, but they don't have a mattress. So there's about 40 people to a cell. Yeah. Essentially sleep on top of each other. Get to hang around with your mate. Yeah, top dog straight away. Yeah, that's what, there's hierarchy. instantly you walk in, you're the fucking prison wallet for everyone.

Everyone's putting their sausages in you. Right. So what did you do? Like, just... You would have to be a bitch. You'd have to be like, yeah, everyone bums me. So then you're valuable then. You're like, whoa, you want to kill me. I'm good to get embole. Is this all in the first five minutes, Carl? I imagine so. I become a bum wallet within five minutes.

Yeah. I imagine so. Wow. Either that or you've got a fight. Right, I'm a bum wallet then, yeah. Go in there, be up the smallest person in there. just play like, I thought that's what we were meant to do. I thought it was another... I went in there and immediately became second bottom dock.

That's... You either get a top bunk or a bottom bunk and the bitch is going to top bunk. That's crazy. That's crazy. Because when you're a kid, top bug's the best. That's men. Made up. I'm like, oh no, top bunk.

It's fun, in it? It comes with being a bum wallet, but it's still the top bunk. And basically you can't climb down the knife or something because you're trying to get fucking... Yeah, well, that's also crazy. What? I'm going to piss the bed and they're going to see down on your...

You, like they thought, think, these are thinking. These terrorists are crazy. Yeah, they are. I've wanted, I was one of them beds where there's like a desk under it, don't know you with a kid? Oh, yeah.

That's good fun. We slide? Yeah. A ladder, a desk. I've got me telly. I'm like, can I have that? I'll stay one on top bunk if I've got that. Please.

With 39 other El Salvadorian terrorists. Yeah, but I'll be like, come on guys. Ready, steady cook's on. Prison, terrified. Like, because I'm so interested in prison. Like, I've, obviously did it in uni. Don't they.

It's ironic. The thought, I know all bad prisons are. The thoughts going to prison terrifies me. Is there any prison that you go to in the world? Like, the Finnish ones, surely. Why? What about that? The Finnish ones are genuinely just, like, rehabilitation things.

You get an entire fucking room, you get your own, like, kitchen and stuff. Well, I said, Bastoy Island in the Scandinavian, I don't know where it is. But essentially just you get a house. You just get a house. You're taking it. from society, you get a house, you get a therapist.

That's the punishment. The punishment is you lose your rights to be a function of a family. You don't just become an animal, which is the right way to do it, but it's obviously an impossible thing. You don't get to see your family. You have to be there, but it's basically a two-bedroom mezzanine and you've got access to therapy and like, isn't that right now?

There's no Disney Plus. It's the basic sky package. A mandolari. No mandolari. No mandolars. Not unless it's on like Channel 4. That's ages away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's right. That's what I'm going to have.

Have you been in a prison? No, I haven't, no. I have. I've been invited. I've been in clink, mate. Did you do a gig? Yeah, I did a gig. Yeah, yeah.

It was an unusual frog and bucket road show. Johnny Cash? They used to do gigs. Risley Romance Center. I remember, I think it was, I see in a comic talk about doing a gig at Broadmoor. Broadmo? Yeah.

Isn't it a medical institution? Yeah, yeah. Like, that was their reward for being good was like stand up. Oh, fine. I'd a hundred percent accept the gig. Yeah. The mental one.

Yeah. Oh, it's a mental institution. It's where, you know. Yeah, it's similar in it. It's a prison just you get in general. Man, if there's a prison full of mentally old people like send in Peter Kate, that's who. I remember outside.

I went to a, um, Hello, what's it, Katzzi? Yeah, my, my girlfriend at the time, her dad was due, it was at the end of his sentence. What was he doing? Time for a crime. Which was? I can't get it.

He hit his neighbor with a shovel. Class. Is it overrated? Like the fucking good guy. A neighbor came to confront him. And the neighbor, it like escalated the neighbour picked up a shovel and swung it at him

and he was like you silly cunt because he tried to hit him with the shovel he took it off him and put him in a a coma I think I said they beat the white bandits at the end of the first home alone movie yeah it's just a big McCauley Colkin find wow now see it like they thought

like you can go to prison so easily like if you say you speed which everyone you know everyone does yeah every now and again yeah never have so you say I'm sort of respect You're safe

Wouldn't do that But say you're going I don't know 38 and a 30 And you hit somebody You know you're probably going to go to prison For Dainstra

I don't know man I'm pretty fucking pathetic When I cry I reckon I reckon the second I rolled out the window And I'm bubbling The police are gonna be like

Can you go to prison Is that Are you going to I imagine you're going to have to do Reckler strap If you kill someone though Yeah Probably you're gonna have to do

sometime Yeah if it's on you If you're on 38 and 30 and you hit a car, uncommon car for whatever reason and they die probably go to prison. Shit. I mean, it wasn't, it seemed nice. The cat sees, there wasn't

any walls or anything. Because they're so close to the end of the sentence. Like, why are you escaping? Because if you fuck off and they catch you, you just go to a higher category of prison for longer. So it was pretty chilled out. Are you likely to go to a prison at any point?

I don't, I hope not. Have you been arrested? Anything close to being arrested? No, the closest, this is pathetic, the closest I got was on New Year's Eve. Me and my friends were out on the street throwing quality street to each other. Happy New Year! And the police said,

what are you up to? So that was a pretty, pretty dicey moment for me. Apart from that now, I've been, had nothing, absolutely nothing. Same. I've talked to the police once and it's because I was being, And he went, why are you speeding? I went, I don't know.

He got somewhere to be. I was like, no, someone to go home. He was like, okay. I was like, I've got no excuse. He went, all right? No, we just don't do it again. I thought you're meant to not admit you know what you've done, no matter what.

No, he knew how speed is behind me. No, because like, maybe I've taken the wrong tap then because I got pulled, when we came back from Cardiff after Murderers Row, I got pulled for speed and he went, you know why I pulled you over? I went, nope, no idea. And he went, you were speeding. I was like, was I speeded?

Why are you being obtuse for no reason? That's how you get arrested. I feel like that might be in America. You're not meant to admit to it. But I've just brought that over here. I'm just trying to do something interesting. I was just like, I've been just normal and nice. You realize there's something on a dicker.

And he went, okay, just don't do it again. Did you say sorry? Yeah, I went, listen, I went, sorry. I was being a dick. He went, yeah, and he went, you've got a nice car. I can see, you know, it's probably quick. Just don't be a dicker. I was like, I'm sorry.

And then he just went on your go. and you didn't even get three points I think he went just just got a polite tell enough because I literally sat there and just went I'm a dick I'm sorry I didn't go

I was like oh I wasn't like him or like I've got to beat my mum's fell down the stairs that old common one I was like you know I'm just being a dick sorry yeah whoopsie daisy yeah which you know

they're reasonable if you're reasonable with them I imagine some of them are yeah I'm like you could have got a bad one I had when I was about fucking 23 I just moved to Edinburgh and I was like

I had my own place thought it was close first and I was walking down street, just publicly smoking a joint because I'm like, fucking, I'll do whatever I want. And this female police officer came up to me. She just went, do you think you're cool? Which was so devastating

because, like, I absolutely did. She was just like, do you think you're cool? And I was like, no. She was like, you do. Like, there's an alleyway there. You can buy in a shop there. If you do it in any of those places, I don't have to do my job, right?

But you're doing it publicly. So I've got to come over here and I have the conventation with you. Do you feel cool? And I was like, no. She was like, put it out. So I put it out. She went, do you have any more on you?

And I was like, no, it's just that. She was like, sick. Oh. Yes. I was never smoking again. Man, I've never, I've never smoked to split up to split fucking down the street again.

It fucking crushed me. Sometimes when I'm in the shower, I think about that interaction. and I make it as hot as possible and I get steel wool and that's good police work that one is. Such good work. Like,

to just make me feel this fucking big. Just humble you. If the police just come, just stop being a gimp. I didn't tell you what happened. I didn't say recently with that fella with a knife with me. I didn't tell you that they? You what?

Yeah. I was driving home from work and there's a road coming home and it's like that and you can merge from this way. So I merge from the right and he basically fills the gap to not let me over. And I'm like, what the fuck you're doing? Just let me in.

So I speed up and get in front of him. And then he's up my arse to the point where I can't even see the front of his car anymore. It's like he's about to hit me. And I got told when I did him see the awareness. If that happens, don't speed up because then you could cause a crash. So I slow down because, you know, I'm a nabbed. And he's doing all SBI. I mean, he's waived.

I'm like, what the fuck? Like, this is insane. Get to the lights. And then I look out the window. And he's doing this. out the window. And I look and he's got a knife in his hand.

And he's basically going, don't be a dick. I got a knife. And I'm like, I'm not getting involved in this. No way. So I,

weirdly, at the intersection, there's a police car going that way. So I think, I don't live this way. I'm going to turn left. He's going to see the police car and just drive off.

So I turn left and the police car's there. And he follows me around the corner. I'm like, wow, there's kids got fucking balls. The busies are there. He then stops next to the police car

and I drive off and the police car he like swarks him to the window the next minute the police car turned his lights on and spins around and chases me so I just pull over and I was like you're okay and he's like that fella said you were driving

dangerously and I went no he was like I was probably driving like a dick because he was being a bad driver but the reason I turn this way is because he's got a knife he was not even a knife at me out of the window he's like right right yeah okay and then I was like oh shit I've kind of got me something I don't want to be in here

and he was like you want to write a statement I was like, no, I'm just telling you that I think that guy has got a knife. I'm not fucking, you know, I'm not writing a statement about this. And the police car basically spun and chased the fella and I just went home. So. He's got a driving knife. I used to keep a spoon in my compartment if I ever fancied Tiramisu on the road. Yeah, yeah, which is sometimes, isn't it?

I never, I never waved it in anger. There's alcohol in Tiram, too, Dan. Oh. Bad boy, bad boy. What are you going to do? You know, I thought if I fucking write your statements and then I've got to go to court because I'm not getting caught up with men

who've got knives. We were once driving from Leeds after a gig in the morning. I'm about 22 years old and I've got Kai. I'm facing the passenger seat and we're talking away and the light turns orange

and green and I didn't move off the second it turned green. Guy behind me honks his fucking horn. We're in my conversation so I just like roll down the window fucking ah, he gives a shit. And then I look in the mirror

and the guy is opening his door and I'm like, oh, like fuck I've absolutely fucked this. And I turn around to tell Kai what's happened. Kai's watch is on the car seat because Kai's left handings and he's broken so many watches punching people. Before he gets into a fight, he takes his watch off. His watch is on the car seat, the door's open

and he just yells to the guy, get back in your car before a fucking nicket. Hey, who needs a knife when you've got Kai Humphrey? Guy just stood there for like two seconds and then got back at the guy, put his seatbelt on, turning the engine back on. Clever. Yeah. No one's harder than me in my car.

I'm a serious, I'm a fight. Whenever in my car, I am like fucking King Kong. I can kill anyone. I don't get road rage at all in America because I'm like, use every single one of you cunts has a gun. And I'm just like, if somebody honks and maybe wants me to get out of the way,

and yes or knows there three bags full. Yeah, down in the south, in red states, it can't be the same level of road rage that is going on on British roads because in my head, everyone's carrying.

Always. Yeah. Right, this fucking can't. You carrying, Stephen? I'm not, no. I like the idea of the spoon, though. Do you ever fired a gun? No, do you know what?

None of that appeals to me. I was into Nerf guns for a while, but during lockdown, me and my girlfriend's trial this game where we try and get it in each of the assholes. And that... I've more questions.

So you're both nude? No, just slack down my pants a bit. She did the same. Are you both, like, pacing your ass on your ass off from the air? No, no, like, you take turns. Right. We're not crazy.

It's not like you're both bent over and then you start, like, firing through your legs, walking away. each other. That's not bad. We were doing it, yeah, I sort of cowered in the corner, bent over, and then she'd do six rounds, and then...

Did you ever do those bullets for sale? No, there. Would she ever get one in? Would it lodge? No, we never got... We never landed. You've got to have a loose sphincter to have a Nerf bullet

into your asshole. Yeah, a lot pinged off the cheeks, but no, never quite managed to... The grave you got one of the sucker ones and it just... Did it ever... Turned into four player. Was it strictly war?

It wasn't? No, no, I've never seen her sexually since. Just, just... The Geneva Convention has long. Watch it if you got with a girl and she was like, what are you into? Shuddle of the weird things. Just puts a nerve gun on the tape.

Things are going to get weird. You were late striving, weren't you? Yeah. Oh, no, actually. No, I passed when I was 19. But then didn't drive for like six years. years. Oh, right, okay. Or maybe longer. Did you have a top-up lesson before you just, like, obviously you're a license holder,

but I think if you've gone six years without driving, it's great that you've passed, but have you forgotten how to drive in that time? Had, yeah. So my girlfriend's dad took me around an estate just like a, like a business estate, not, you know, where the poor kids live. And then we were, we were just going around there, doing all the maneuvers. And then after that, well, I was getting an automatic, so I didn't, I didn't have to learn really. But I did crush quite a lot. Interstationary things. Yeah. Um, you know, I've learned that now. I don't know why. Just if you, we know when people, we've got mates who are like, oh, I can't drive. I don't think I'd be good at it. Like, just always go automatic.

Now, now, now when automatics are really common. Yeah. I think you should lay in manual drive automatic though. Yeah. Yeah, you got to learn. You got a learn stick. Just in case. If you rent a car and all the end of you've got, wearing that manual, then you just lay manual drive automatic that's the way yeah but if you want of the yeah if you had a bit just like an automatic and like harry should be driving an automatic car just for the safety of others I'm not sure you should be driving Harry just from the looks of you I can see you in a tractor though you're like when you overtake a tractor I can see you with a little thumbs up and a nod you'd be so many people dead of how he drove a

tractor driver through a test go or so I bet you'd be one of those fucking tractor drivers that just watches our fucking buildup of 90 cars behind you and you just drive past every place that you could possibly pull over and you're just like, fuck everyone else's day. Tractor's move though now, don't they?

They're like... They do. There's like... Clarkson's got a Lambo. Oh, we've seen Clarkson. I mean, that's a ring it down. I've seen his announcement. Yeah.

Did you see his announcement? Well, Harry told me he was terminally ill yesterday. He's got prostate cancer. He's got aggressive prostate cancer. Oh, shit. And he said, you'll either see me on. season six, I think, of Clarkson's farm?

Or you won't? What a teaser. Yeah. Yeah. That's incredible. Well, he is that age, isn't it? I imagine he hasn't got his ass fingered very often. No. He's not getting an earth pull up there from me. No, no. He seems like they were unavoidant.

Big scary cat. Have you? How old are you? I'm 305. Right. You have the career of an older man. Yeah. Man, if I got a fucking prostate exam, I'd be throwing fucking money over my shoulder.

I'd be like, fucking... I'm the time of my fucking life Every time this comes up I say I'm in the window, aren't I? Yeah We've said this before It's not a finger up the ass anymore You spit anything?

What? What? Did you do through your spit now? You spit in their asshole. That's the NHS for you It's gone to shit. It's spit. Well, there's more information than your DNA

than the man's finger up. But I'm not about my answer. Like if you want to check my wife's prostate check my spit, that makes it. It's him It's him going Does that feel good? Yeah, to, you know, DNA.

Hang on, is that what they say? They literally gauge it on the feeling of the size of the prostate. Yeah. Oh, right. So, old-school doctors, he's not like wiping his finger on the finger and then took their finger up and went, does that feel good? Yeah, yeah.

And then you come hard. And you're like, no. Get out. Yeah, it's just a blood test now. Oh, boring. Fucking, game's gone. I'm glad you can't ask for the. Yeah.

Yeah. Some old boys still still for the love of the game. For some reason it's called a digital rectal... Oh, finger, did you? Yeah, yeah. You know me?

He leaves his Cassio in there. Yeah, I want an old boy that was trained in medicine in the late 50s. I only finger asses. Ah, a lot of bollets. Suspissies. Fucking deer shit.

Come in here. Don't fight me. Don't fight me. I want him to be from Yorkshire as well. Won't even put a glove on. He's like his health and safety. Come on.

Lord of shite. Doesn't wash his hands. Just use his 10 fingers. I'm on. But this one left. Beginner, intermediate, advanced. I'm up the ass. I got my testes check recently because...

Oh, wow. When I was 10 and I was in the bath, and this was a bath where, you know, youngest in the family after my sister and mum, I was in there just splotties. around. I remember feeling my testicles going, that feels weird. And then I thought, I don't want to get them checked until, you know, someone who has sexually touched my penis has done it. So I don't want my first direction with a stranger to be a doctor. Then I didn't lose my virginity for 13 years

after that. So by that point, I just thought, it'll be better off dead anyway. And then, and then I just sort of thought, how, I'm alive. I'm okay. And I mentioned it, um, like a couple a month ago. My mate was like, oh no, you need to get that checked because if you've still got that, it could be, you know,

it could be something. And I think I was in the bathroom and a sad song was playing. I was just looking at myself thinking, oh, Stephen, you're too young to die. And so I asked my girlfriend to book an appointment for me.

And then I went off the next week and still was really frightened of getting the erection. But thankfully, it was a male doctor. and I sort of get in there and he says, oh,

I'll draw the curtain around you. I said, would you do the blinds as well because we're on the grand floor? There's blinds there. And then I, I pulled down my jeans and then I lift up my undies

to expose the testicle. And he sort of, yeah, I lifted them up so, oh no, nothing was up yet. So you wedged yourself. A little front wedgy.

Yeah, just like, just yeah, so you couldn't see my penis. Ah, right, okay. And then, had the testy that I was worried about shown and he was, he's feeling it and he went, oh, no, you have to get them down.

They'll pull it down and it was the opposite of erection. It was the tiniest penis I've had since memory. And I was sort of, you know, holding it out the way, not that they needed that. And then I must have got distracted and let go. And then he had to put it down out the way, but he just with his index finger, went like that. That motion. Oh, it just nudged you over.

Just to push it to the side. It was that. And then he's feeling around and he goes, it's tiny, isn't it? I panic thinking he meant my penis. He meant the lump. And then the rest is a blur, but either way,

either way I can die now. But I don't think I'll get it checked again. And you're okay, though. Hang on, hang on, hang on. He said there is a lump, but don't. Don't worry. It's tight.

What's the results here? Like, what's... I think the mental scar from that has taken over, really. Yeah, well, well,

he was giving you the diagnosis of what it is. You're just, ooh, you know, he's like, oh, I guess I'm okay. It'd be so much worse

if he did it with his pinky. Yeah. You're all clear, though. You're, I think so. It's quite a, it's quite a vague diagnosis.

It's like, it's probably this and then some sperm, hemisitis or something, sent me a link. That's not helpful. I'm not dead. It's the most man thing. I found a lump.

Will you ring and make an appointment for me, love? I'm going to get some results through. I can't be asked reading them. All right. We'll have a break as we think about Stephen's testicles. Last section of the pod. Daniel Sloss, you've got some shows coming up. Yeah.

And two, I think I've got some you, oh no, I don't have any UK ones left until November 28th I'm doing Wembley and it's not even a little bit sold out. So if people could fucking, I'm sorry to make a bunch of scousers go all the way to London but you'd be doing me a massive favour.

We do bits in London. Yeah? Yeah, there's a well, I think it's our biggest marker. Oh, great. Can you only? Oh, fucking. That's true, isn't it today? London's our biggest.

Sloss balls at Wembley, not stadium, Wembley Arena. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not there. Jesus. Not the fucking... You and Coldplay. Not the fucking football.

Where do we get tickets? My website, I think, probably. If you're not smart enough to Google it, then don't come. Yeah, no, Dan Nightingale.com for Dan Nightingale. I'm playing Wembley. I think it's a couple of months after. The White Noise Podcast. Yeah.

We have fun. I don't believe you. It's every week nonstop until one of us gets fed up. I think it might be you. Yeah, it could be. Who's we?

Me, Max, who has been sat somewhere. He's the funny one. And our friend Tom, who's witty, other people go, he's my favourite. Shut up. We have great guests on. Or just my friends. Yeah, but you're friends with some...

He's doing Wembley. You're friends with some great people, though. Yeah. It's true, Carl. She is, but... Mm. What are you going to ask? Well, I know obviously you're closely related

to the YouTube scene with like the side men, KSI, etc. And I don't know if you knew, Dan, but KSI, who is the main side man, people would say. Was he the main man or the side man? You'd say that, yeah. He's the biggest in terms of the star.

To translate it. for you, it's like when Simon and Garfunkel broke up. Yeah. Oh, wow. I think Garfunkel had like five others. Yeah. Jesus. Are they broken up?

Wow. Yeah. But apparently this is a big internet thing. And everyone's like, whoa, what's happened? Is everyone sad? Is everyone angry? Why has you done it? And Stephen, you're obviously within that world.

Have you got any... I feel like that guy on there, John I TV on the news show, like the sort of Camp Scottish guy, does the Hollywood gossip. Is that me now? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, hot scoop for you. Yeah, what was the reaction within the...

I was doing this show, and they were there. And the show's not come out yet, so I have to be vague about that. But I was just in this little trailer thing on my own. And then he came in, he went, but you've heard the news then. I was like, no, and he went, it's pretty big news. Don't know what it is, you'd have to tell me. And then he told me about it for like 10 minutes. And then said, what have you been up to?

And I was like, fucking hell. I'm a top in that. I'm telling you about the Nerf Bullitt now. So he's talking about all this. And then he was like, yeah, so I'm just really busy. And, you know, I'm doing Britain's Got Talent. And I own Dagenham and Red Bridge and all this. The sea.

I think that's the start of his master plan. So he's, yeah, he's talking about how busy he was. He just couldn't keep up the two. And then, yeah, he was just, worried about the people's reaction to it. And, uh, the reaction's been a bit divisive, hasn't it?

Like a lot of people are feeling with them. Not very happy with them. Lived, yeah. How long, how long they've been together though? I think 13 years. Yeah, that's,

there is a, how long were they together? Like, how often were they together? I don't know. As often as us. They do weekly content. Massive,

massive, weekly content. Oh shit. All right, fair play. Be go off to do like boxing fights. so he'd be off training doing that. So there's quite a lot of times where he wasn't around.

Because he's got in that big, like Prime, you know, Prime. He owns that with Logan Paul. He's got, like, did the fighting for a bit. Yeah, he is massive and busy. But then at the end of the day, his bros are the fucking people who he, they essentially made YouTube what it was.

And now he's like, people are saying, oh, I'm too big for you. I'm going to do my own shit. And apparently, like, it's a bit of a sour taste. Not to through you, much into the tip end, but what did you? you think of his music?

He may know this, I didn't really care for it. It's just not for me. I'm more of Olivia Dean kind of guy. Yeah, man I need. Oh, who is an absolute, oh yeah, an absolute banger. But the, his first song was one about a Lamborghini

and that's probably his best. Sometimes you've just got to stop at the first bit of musical master chip. Not so much the difficult section. Musical master chip. I love the master chips. A hell of an album that he released. Really underground.

His music wasn't great. Sometimes I just think, like, when people become so famous, they're just like, I'm just gonna do everything. Yeah. Could you fucking not, though? Yeah, just...

Why are you not hanging around with your mates from school? You've obviously fucked them off because you haven't got the mates and go, A, Idris, this is shit, mate. You're dead good. All the time.

Stop encouraging these cunts. It's too much. Who the fucks Idris? Idris. Who the fuck's Idris? Why is Idris Elba getting mentioned? Because he's the same sort of, oh, I can do everything.

Everyone sucks my balls. Yeah, yeah, he does. James Corden, just fucking just do one thing, just leave the rest of it alone for a bit. Irritated. Childish Gambino. Jamie Fox? Yeah, but Childish Gambino is great at everything he does.

He's fucking dog shit at stand-up. Yeah, apart from stand-down. But he's a great actor. He's a great writer. Great-writer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's also just fucking, come on, man. Just, do you not respect Jamie Fox?

You can do everything. Have you seen Jamie Fox's standout special? Like from the mother fuck. I love Jamie Fox. It honks of come. Oh, wow. Like, he really just tries to like, get catchphrases going in this 60 minute set.

And like none of them are actual catchphrases. He'll just do a punchline that doesn't work. To be fair, like he's killing in the room. And then after everything, he just pretends to tell. take a hit of a blunt and then he just goes, you better blow that shit out. And he says it like seven times in 20 minutes. The point where by the

30th minute, anytime he says, this the audience is shouting it back and you're like, buddy, this ain't, this ain't real comedy. You're just gas. I would really like to hate watch that. Got it, man. We can do a locker where we watch it together, get drunk. I'll bring the DVD down.

Have you planned any catchphrases for your stand-up debut? I think I might use that one. Yeah. You better blow that shit. And no vaping neither. Is it just me? This is just me?

Don't go into the water of the quarry. That's one of his things. You're going to smash this stunt, mate. Announcement coming. Have you ever watched like any of your, like whether it's like your podcast stuff or any of your fucking stand up

and not necessarily catchphrase but like catching things that you clearly say so often? and it's not until you see yourself. The amount of times I say, like, genuinely, when I listen back to the podcast, I'm like, oh, fucking, clearly I'm trying to make myself sound smart. I will watch a clip, an old clip of us,

and I'm a, some, someone will say something. Yeah. And I will think of a response naturally, and then I will say the response in the clip. Yeah. Like, oh, I haven't changed at all. I just think the same shit. Yeah, that happens quite often.

I don't love watching. The older than, stand-up gets the less I enjoy it. I really don't like watching old stuff. My first special, I can't, I don't. That's only like four years ago. I don't know. I think that's a sign of growth-through.

I think like you've got to like have a healthy hate of the stuff that you've done in the past so that you're like, well, the fact that I hate it means I've improved. Because like if that was the best I could do then and I hate it now, surely I'm... Yeah, if you look back and you go, fuck, I've peaked there. Yeah, yeah. I can't even get close. Who do you, who's your go to for,

you want to watch a bit of stand-up? Like it's not necessarily like new stand-up that you've had recommended that you rate or whatever. What's the stand-up that you go to as a comfort watch? Oh, Bull Burnham. Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, like Bill Burnham's, well, or one of the ones that, like, my more recent ones,

if I'm just wanting to, like, time my brain off, Nick Mullen, Year of the Dragon, is just like an hour of very, very funny, like, good fucking jokes. it's on YouTube, it's free, it's fucking excellent. Are you still doing standalone? No, last time I did it. You did it for me, like two years ago,

I wanted my gigs when I was raising money for India. Oh, yeah, we did, I did some of Dan's. They were really fun gigs. That Newcastle one was my favourite, I think. I remember doing that years and years ago, the stand, and I was like, oh, I'd love to do that again. And then Dan was doing the, Dad and Friends or Fiends. Yeah, yeah.

So I did that one And I was watching it back And there's a cheap joke I do about Losing to a Chinese dwarf That's true, that bit I think I did a joke about to do like the seven dwarves And my mate filming it just pans to Jamie Hutchinson It was staring at the lens, just shaking his head

Like that you're going to see him on You're not going to do stand up no more No, I might do it again I don't know what I did last year to warrant, you know, not doing stand-up or anything. Not with me, I think it's just laziness and fear stops me. So if I can conquer those two, then, you know, I'd be... The Bolteroyce.

Yeah, this is it. Be funny, be less lazy and be less scared if I could do that. I was watching... I watched the first one I did was it in Charlton when you were doing that one. And so when you're saying about watching stuff back, for some reason, and well I've always been guilty of this but I was really partridge and so I just kept looking at the floor

and going yeah like that after punch lines I was going why am I doing this so I just I tried to eradicate that but yeah I would like to do it again but you want to be a stand though

because there's two different things there isn't it I like to have the ability to do it and have that skill set of like oh I can write a joke and perform it and I think when you do stand-up then doing other things don't seem scary. And it's nice to have that where things feel a bit of a breeze compared to looking at vacant faces.

So, yeah, but the last one I did was the Creatures Comedy in Manchester, but it was like a Sunday. It was like 20 people in there. And he put me on as the, not the headliner, but the last to go. And as you said, my name, five people left. Oh, fucking hell. And then I was doing that and they're sort of smiling

but obviously not laughing so I'm waiting for the laughs and they're not coming and I was just getting all kinds of flustered. Sundays, fucking Sundays, mate. Yeah. And for some reason

we were sort of filming everything about like the stand-up and after that it was just me in the car having to break down going, I'm fucking useless and my mate just filming it. Pants out to find

Jamie Hutchinson's shit. but yeah I think I would like to do it because it's just it's just good fun there's a big difference from doing like your shows were really good audience there to then doing ones where they don't really

care you are or what you've got to say and you have to win them over I think that's the hard part that I'm not ready for it's been like yeah yeah but once you get good at that that's when you're like okay it's someone that also

it's kind of freeing sometimes to just turn up somewhere and everyone be like, I don't know who the fuck you are. And you're in, you're at a smaller gig, it might be well run, but it's like, I don't know, I kind of like that. Whereas doing the bigger gigs or doing a murderer's row show, they're fucking amazing. But they are high pressure, not because the crowd are problems, because you have to match the standard of the other guys on.

You also have to match the expectations of the lids. And that takes work and that takes development. I did a gig in Lee for Harry Stikini. It was just a nice crowd. It's like a tea time start. It's about 140 of them. I don't think they knew who the fuck I was. And I just got to sort of do stand up in a low-pressure.

I said so much fuck. Yeah. It was no, I kind of like that, that neutrality. And they're also turning up in a gig is wild. You're like, this is a fucked gig. So let's see what I get out of it. And you get nothing out of it. You're like, well, that was fucked already.

Yeah. I keep trying to like whenever I'm in different countries, if there's like a local comedy club, I'm like, how can I just like jump up and do like five or ten minutes and just like give a little boost to this comedy club? And I cannot tell you how much in my head. I'm like, I'm going to fucking turn up in this.

Like we did it in Bangalore. I did my show and I was like, if there's a comedy club, I can just jump on, go up to this fucking room. There's like 50 Indians in this room. I'm like, when I walk on stage,

they're going to lose their fucking mind. All the comedians know who I am. Like, well, ladies and gentlemen, when I was this age, Daniels, and just 50 Indians are like, who? And then I'm doing English and their second language. And they're like, what the fuck is this? And I'm like, oh, just giving back to the local community. You're welcome, guys.

You gave you everything. And now we've given you some stand-up. Did it in Sophia, Bulgaria, went to this comedy club. Was like, can I get up and do 10? And they were like, yeah, walked out there 10 minutes in English. to an audience that didn't understand a lick of fucking English. Ain't shit for 10 minutes. Oh, that's wild.

I'm going to give back to the community. They all speak, Bulgari. Shit. Yeah, yeah. Shall we do some executive orders? Yes. We've got sort of a backlog of them because we haven't been going to it very often.

What do you reckon? Yeah. This ain't just any order. This is an executive order. Stephen. Hi. If you had the all-powerful, like if you were a president of the world, this is what they'd like to force through as executive orders.

Nathan Harripp says, executive order. If a shop has an escalator going up, it has to have one going down. I'm sick of shops that have one when they think they can get money from you, but once you've spent, they're like, now you can fuck off and walk downstairs. Give us both or nothing. Next in the Giles Shopping Center in Adam, Roe. purely for that reason I hate that shop escalator up to the men's section

stairs down fucking what what happened to me up there did I get up there and you decided I was a fat cunt you know you're not gonna fit in the clothes you just bought what down those stairs also give men the ground floor more please yeah I went shopping with Seneca recently like to buy me some stuff get on that for a story and she was like

is this men shopping I was like yeah it's got it's dog shit we're on the third floor we get a corner of a shop no one gives a fuck a walk what men's shop anymore. Like, we do not matter. Which is? Most shops now. You're never on the ground floor.

That's just a fact. If you walk into a clothes shop and you're on the ground floor and that's mental. I mean, like, Zara and Liverpool, we get split with the kids. Yeah, stop making us see kids

in the changer rooms, guys. You're in the wrong changing room. But the women get two floors and we get half a floor split with kids. Yeah. I mean, they're just trying to make money though, there's more money being spent by women. Maybe if there's more choice,

the men had spent more. Speculate. The urban outfit isn't, I mean, they've gone to me there because I've grown up. But we just have an entire floor. Now we have literally like a corner. It's pathetic. You started shopping at him and his shit?

A little bit. And you know what? A lot of open space for the men. Which is lovely. Yeah, because they need it because of the Zimmer frames. It's just an inevitable part of your life and you're like, you know what? Marks and Spencers.

It's not too bad. Good quality. They look good. I can put them with my sparks card. Saying that, John Lewis, we get ground floor and near the doors, which is prime position. Pretty good choice. Yeah, it's good. Good for a costume.

Luke E says, Executive order for you guys. Conditional bottles should be a third bigger by law, so they run out at the same times the shampoo. I'm going to be a toxic man here, but what heterosexual man is using conditioning? A third bigger? You both using conditioning.

So you need more conditioning? Yeah, you should be, I mean, yeah. How long's your hair? Yeah, you got, yeah, okay, fair enough. I've got a routine when the conditioner, I match it up in the show with me brushing my teeth. I don't like dead time. Are you meant to use more conditioners?

Is that what he's saying? Less conditioner. Oh. Conditioner's meant to be like a fucking speed size. Otherwise, it actually does the opposite, makes your hair a little bit greasy. Does he mean as third as big? Ah, I'm with you.

I thought the size. I thought conditioner you used loads more. No. I don't really use conditioning. You're probably using much more shampoo than you need as well. You're only making the dot of that. It spreads. What?

Martin Lewis. But you're probably using far too much shampoo than what you need. I am, I can assure you, I am not. Are you not shampoo in the back of your head? I have recently started shampooing my beard. Nice. After I diet. and it's fucking good to be back in the game.

It's a wonky version of it, but whipping out of shampoo for the first time since 2003, feels fucking great. Do you soap your head, though? Do you just watch it with water? I use whatever Laura sort of won't notice that I'm stealing from her.

Yeah, I do a lot of stealing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of stealing. Their stuff smells better than that. She gets hungry. Because she's like, it was seven thousand pounds. Oh, yeah, I use something. fucking like honey jizzed

that they, something and it was smelled amazing. She went, yeah, that's like 500 pound a bottle. I'm like, oh, it smells good. Sorry, your highness. Yeah, it's been like, you're gonna love the smell of my pupils.

I use the, what's the one for, so she doesn't get a stanky biff? Fem fresh. Fem fresh. Yeah. On what?

My dick. Why isn't that dick fresh? Yeah. Is that not just shower gel? Oh yeah, because it has not got to be like a specific pH with a pussy. Yeah. Sometimes I get thrush in my dick all though, so think about that. I've started using some sort of African, um...

Easy. He's a good lad. But it's like some sort of African flannel. Wash me, boy. Boy. That's where it's racist. I've had small pets not how I do it

we met in the next I uh yeah I've been using that because I'd just been using my hands to flannel myself and I was like I stink every day so you've only just started using a flannel

yeah but like seven days ago wait what day after day I was going to I stink wait sorry you wash your body with your hands yes yes yes Absolutely.

Man's got a flannel, brev. What? What are you talking about? Do you wash your body with your hands? Do you wash your body with your hands? What do you mean it's both? What the fuck are you talking about? Have you got a flannel for your bum crack?

Oh, you've got it like a... A luther? No, it's like a round one. Do you mean? Yeah. Like, how do I explain this? It's not a luther. Like cockshack.

You know what you mean? But it's the ones that you sort of scrunching and it gets all soapy. Yeah, I put the shower gel on that and then I scrub my... my, you wash your body with your hand. Do you wash your ass crack with your hand?

Absolutely. This is what I was doing. I'm the fucking scummy. I'm doing a prostate exam every day. Wow, clean as a whistle. No, no brush. But we're in the shot. I'm washing them at the end.

It's all part of the cleaning process. But you're not getting the dead skin off and shit? Is this a scrunchy one? You're not actually using a flannel. No, Like a very small towel. It's like, yeah, it's like a butt-scruchy ball. You're using that on your bottle?

Yeah, everywhere. And then at the end of the thing, I get it under it, and I squeeze it and rinse it out and clean it. It's hanging up. Carla, I called an eco-puff. I'm an eco-puff, man. I'm a modern man. That's why I call it a greater thumbwork.

Whoa, let me just wash this shit out of me crack with my hands. I've wiped my eyes when I'm taking shit. Also, you are, you're my hero when it comes to the, the arse. Yeah. Because we're on the same. When you once said, if you got shit on your arm,

would you use paper to wash it off? No. I got Japanese toilet. Got... You get it? You understand? Shave my bat home. No here by there.

I haven't used... Japanese toilet. African shower boy. Yeah. Japanese, I mean, well-trodden. Japanese soil is the best thing in the world. Or a shower.

You must wash. But you wash. Dermatologists say don't use a lufor because they just gathered germs. Cool. In your showers. I'm sorry, what? The flannel that you wipe your batty with

gets germs on it. I get one maybe, I get a new one maybe once a month and I clean that. 12, 12 eco puffs a year. Christ! It's bad for the environment.

You wash it at the end, you wash it at the end of it, and you hang it up, we've got one each, and neither of us wash shit out of our ass with our hands. Why does my flannel smell of your eyes? Monkeys. Who's that?

You can't get it, you can't scrub. I'm not scrubbing. I'm fucking, you're rubbing. You're rubbing, you're not scrubbing. You're rubbing. You're rubbing. You know, when the last time you're like exfoliated your arms or you're only? Never in my fucking mind.

If I ever get a posh massage, which is like once every couple of years. Yeah. Whenever I dress up as Dwight or. But you've got bad skin? Yeah. Too much. That's what bad skin needs. No.

You need to exfoliate, don't you? No. No, you're gonna aggravate it. Thank you, dermatologist, Riegel. Women have worse skin than men because they do weigh more stuff to their skin for your young age. Yeah, absolutely.

You're doing the same to the rest of your body. No, I'm just using your things just like wipe my body. It's great advice. It's great. And it also, skin care advice. Grype. It's great.

Also, it lathers better. You can't really lather with your hands. What am I lathering for? Did you like, you're like a lather? Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Knob first, then arse. Yeah, you can't do the other way around that. And then you're not,

and you're not doing your, legs just because I do on a special occasion. Yeah. What's the special occasion? Like my birthday. I'll wash my feet. He's got birthday legs.

I do to be knees. And then they water does the rest, doesn't it? I just do it to my psoriases patches. I get like a brook, you know that you clean leather boots with. Just really get out of it. A wire boot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stupid surrises. They comment below, do you wash your ass with your hands? What was the question, Dan? It's something about, Conditioner. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No, if you, if you, conditioners was a third of the size would be fuming, they go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the, you know, dairy milk baths getting smaller

over the years. Routin. It's getting worse and worse. Yeah. Pre-meg's smaller. Cornettos. Yeah, they're shrinking the chocolate. Cornetto's a pathetic.

No, I've said this. Did you ever buy, there's like a novelty thing where you could just buy the bottoms of a cornetto? Get them in a Costco. I don't know what? Costco's a lot.

too overwhelming. Can you get weed ones of those? Yes. Can you get little weedy? Yeah, yeah. You can get everything. Should we just some have a word? It's fine.

Is it just me? Is it just me? Do you know the Jake Garrett joke on this podcast? Jake Garrett? That you started. Or was it the name we couldn't say? Yeah. And now it is a, now Jake Garrett is like a,

a micro-slembrosellery. within the community. Wow. Yes. All thanks. And he's doing a stand-up and he's doing well. I doubt.

Fuck, Jake then. Another one in the way. He said he just got over his laziness and fear because he's not a pussy. Nah, if I know, if I know, if I'm Garrett, he's up to something. Rees says,

have a word with my ex. I'd been with her for around two years. Things were going great and we went out to a villa in Spain. She wanted a photo at all points of the day and evening and on about the third day

of taking photos, I saw an opportunity to have a bit of fun. So I began putting the ball filter on knowing she wouldn't check the photos until the end of the day. That night, she went ballistic about all the good photos I'd ruined. It led to a massive row

and about two weeks later, we'd split up. Looking back, I feel like I may have ruined a good relationship, but at the same time, I feel like she's overreacted. Like she lost one day of picks from a week-long holiday. She's not a travel influencer. Have a word.

You can't mess with. women's foes. I'm so happy saying I don't give a fuck. You can't, but also don't break up with him over that. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, do you find as a, dad, that you don't take enough pictures of your wife?

There's so many pictures of me and my kids because my wife will take pictures of me and my kids and it never occurs to me to return the favor. Because I just don't take those.

I read, I look like an exceptional father. And she looks like she's, never been involved. There's no record ever existed. No, no, no. And it's crazy because the opposite is true. And also, they

don't appreciate having to ask you to take a picture. No, of course not. You got it. You saw that like, great. Could you take, would it be alright if you took a picture of me? They want you to remember. Yeah, it's my New Year's resolution to myself every year which is like, I'm going to take more pictures of my wife with my kids and I'll get my phone out and I'll be like,

I've not played that game in a while. I just got eight years of New Year's Day pictures. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she heard being a great mother playing with the kids making memories and I'm just, they're all right here. But also, I've done that when I've just taken a picture. And then she goes, let me have a look. I look awful

on that. I look awful on that. I'm looking. I see, like, you've taken the fun of. Apparently, photographer is one of the most attractive jobs you can have as a man. Yeah. That's like Jack's got all the, whatever. Yeah, and he's got a massive knob in it. Yeah, that's got a big knob. Yeah, Jake Morris says, Jake Morris says, I'm thinking about Jack's

thick, wharf. Jake Morris says, please have a word with my uncle. My auntie died two weeks ago. Yeah, no one. And he has already got engaged to another woman. Whoa. We were at her funeral in Portugal.

He announced it in his eulogy and then spent 10 minutes talking about her. I've put it down to grief and trauma, but my family all believe this has been going on for years. 100%. What? He announced it in the eulogy. Class.

Brother. That is great. What a hard launch. Is he old? He sounds old. Yeah, this sounds all a bit natural causey, doesn't it? Like, he's got a niece or nephew that is so annoyed they're writing into the podcast. So in my head, they are late 50s minimum.

Yeah, if he's old, then, fuck. That's fucking. No, you can't be doing that. Hang on. If we're giving six months between dogs, you've got to give three months between antis. Not really, no. What? I'd say longer.

No, no, no, but he's not replacing his, aren't he? The country replacing his wife within two weeks is crazy. Mind you, Portuguese. Yeah. Oh no, I'm talking about, I'm going. Like, if, if this dude's from, like, fucking Crawley, and then they're having a funeral in Portugal. Yeah, so Mabasita hops on.

Oh, yeah. I'm in a pair of, pair of pussy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He meets him on there? I don't know. I thought it was like a... Oh, he's been having an affair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's absolutely been having an affair. There's no way. You're like, I guess what? No, he made earlier. Just turning fucking turning tender on as they lower your window to the ground. Being like set distance to 50 metres.

If your misses died quickly, so shockingly, she gets hit by lightning. Yeah. So it's a, it's a story. She explodes. She is electrocuted by lightning. It's a quick death. Yeah.

But she is gone. Yeah. How long are we waiting to, before we try and find love? I'm never finding love again. After a year is when I'm just, I'm doing sex workers. Like, that's how I'm getting my sex.

Like, that's how I'm getting those needs out of me. Romantically. I'm not moving on. Are they taking the pictures of your kids? I'm, that, love. Yeah, I'm one and done with this.

Yeah. If this, now, then ends, I am something else. We're doing this again. Yeah. Might be gay for a bit.

Yeah. Change leagues, change sports. Yeah. I'm not doing this again. Just kill our partners and be gay. Stephen tries anal. I don't want to be gay with you guys.

I want to be gay with the dead. Oh, Oh, fuck. You do well, actually. Oh, you're not going to be good gays. It would be the best gays. I'll let you do cork. What?

I'll let you do cork again. Oh, come. I'm dead it. Um, no. If we're going gay, which I've got nothing against, you know, Sean J. Maybe it's like an unlikely quadruple lightning strike. I don't know what the girls were doing together.

One of them was driving. Yeah, probably. And they're all dead. And then we're going, I don't, I'll go gay, but not with you. fucking dweeps. I don't think you should be the one to say that. I think you'd be lucky to have any of us. Well, what are you gonna do gay? You're not gonna be a good guy. I want an absolute cock goblin who's been in the game. We flannel wash. Nobody in the world is, nobody in the world is sucking your dick as good as a gay

blockel. Yeah, I know what you want then. And also I go, go off the bed and you be like, okay. Like, there's no like, like, can we cuddle and watch fucking wife swap? I actually quite like wife's like. But this is why we do, this is why we do all, because like you can, like, you too, but then you and me can stay up and watch grades and that means. Unbelievable, but that's a stop when McSteamy dies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, this is the gayest bit of this conversation.

McSteamy is just died in real life as well. Yeah. Sorry. Simpsons did it first. I beg a no. That one was real name. What's his real name? You died in real life, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got ALS. McSteamy is a doctor.

I'm trying to talk about bumming car. Yeah, and he's a gorgeous doctor. Oh, hello. Yeah, yeah. He's called McSteamy. Is that his actual character name? No, it's the nickname. The nickname. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because he's gorgeous. Sorry, lads. Fucking, you paste the gays. What do you mean you when you get? I give you a good life. I want a Puerto Rican with a fucking kak. I feel a Puerto Rican gay man. Yeah.

Where do you get in that from? Puerto Rico. It's not going to Puerto Rico. No, I'll ship him over. But this is probably a Puerto Rican grinder. I'll go over with Richard Maley. We'll get in a prison. Are you going to be the, are you the postman or the postbox?

I haven't given it all a try, won't we? Yeah, we'll check prostates together. Aye, aye, aye. Yeah, I wouldn't know what I was until I was on it. But I'm not doing this again. I'm not doing the giving someone fucking everything. I'm either being audible to women or gay. They're not too exclusive options.

They are. They are absolutely. I've been the loveliest man, white husband and I will be forever. But if that ends, I'm now audible to women. Yeah, right. So if Sarah could get hit by lightning, I wouldn't be the first day

that Carl goes on. I treated her like a princess. Yeah. You're not, no one's getting this again. Like I am all, I'm gay. Yeah.

I'm being a nice gay or I'm horrible to women. Yeah. That's her. Butcher's right because long as her gay are really bad to women. Yeah.

I don't mean like abusive. I just mean like, I just fuck around and I'm a bad boy. Oh no. Oh, right. I thought you meant like catty. No, no.

I'm just like, I'm just a bad boyfriend. But you turn up like your air. It's horrible. You're like, I'll be assed. Oh, me and Jorge from Puerto Rico We're gonna, we're allies

Horge. When he was named that There was only one life from. I bet he's got lovely skin Because he doesn't life for I would go for

I go for like a black twink Oh really? Is it such a thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like Lil Nas at yeah, yeah, yeah, a little Nas. Oh, a little one Yeah, yeah, that's where you.

He's talented as well. Yeah. Flank Ocean. Yeah. And he's talented as well. They can sing to me. Yeah, I need to spend the rest of my life with like a bitchy gay. I want one that's like, fucking...

I want some snapping. Or they're like, when we're in bed together after having sex and whatnot, it's just him bitching about all of our mates. Yeah. He's fucking him or he fucking. I'd love that. Stephen, you've gone for a bear? first first plan is to try and convert jabi alonzo if i could do that chuffed

if not his spanish is halfway there yeah yeah very true and he's in chelsea if you go off the stereotype um all of them uh if that doesn't work just try and suck myself oh really are you yeah asexual yeah just just do that um and then that doesn't work. Nerf bullet to the head. Well, somehow, in a beautiful bit of similar... We've ended with Stephen's depression right at the end. We started with it.

He never left. He couldn't even just have sex with an imaginary man. He couldn't even find happiness in his own gay fantasy. Stephen tries. Thank you very much for coming on. Thank you for having me. Daniel Sloss, thanks so much for standing in. Not at all. Thanks for having me.

Appreciate you all. Stars in their eyes is out. Stars in their eyes. is out. And you will see the D&D campaign on Patreon and then publicly starting in August. Yeah. Full campaign, that's going to take you right through

to the end of the year and then maybe a surprise at the end. Yeah. I mean, I'm glad that episode two is not coming out. I want to watch it straight away. Because if it's as funny as I remember it there. It was. It was. Thank.

So they are extras. They're not patron specials. They're going out on Patreon for a month. And then they'll be released publicly. as a series. The only two public patron specials

that have gone public are Kili and India. Yeah, we've seen some of the comments. Oh, bloody out of what do we get for our money?

Jesus Christ. 67 specials and a patron exclusive every Wednesday. If you want to get in on the Winging, sign up at Patreon slash have a word pod.

Love you really, guys. Appreciate you. Thanks very much for listening and watching. Bye. Bye. Fulisha.