Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #387 with Paul Smith - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: June 27, 2026

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It's going to be a belter. Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only. Have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN. The very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed.

Get on me. Love it. Love it when there's just a little bit of egginess before we start and then we all just have to reset to go Hello. Hello. What's the rules on electric bikes,

electric push bikes? Because I think we need to fucking look at it. Do you mean? For who? There is a kid who's flying around ours. He is about 10 years old. He's doing 30 miles an hour. Is this a weapon?

Because in my road, you're the kid who are called a, you know, remember, him and his mates, where's an under my load on a leaky bike? You can't, if you're a parent, if you're a parent and you have a fat child, you can't make him into a fat torpedo, you can't make him into a fat pavement, but you've got to be like, lad, come on. No, is that dog there with him? What? Did you say torpedo?

Tallpedo. I thought you said torpedo for a minute. Yeah. A fat, tall, pita fat. Wow. Bad, bad news. So dangerous as your older than actually, you could fall on them. Is it just for kids?

Can hide them on top of the fridge and all can see them. So, all you're saying a dainty paedophile is less offensive. It's less of a problem, isn't it? If you're 5'3 and you weigh

nine stone, you're a less offensive people. Most kids could batty her. A fat tall one is easier to catch, though. Imagine of the big show is a paedophile. A fat tall one is easier to catch. Is it?

Yeah. Is it? I think you can't run away. Would you, would you fancy yourself being able to catch? Catch includes stop, by the way,

Francis and Garnu or he's not fat Wark Davis Jack Wilshire As Warren Dave's got his scooosey Warren Davis is back for his fourth appearance in one month

amazing Not Francis Ngarno but like Jonah Lomoo Big John Jonah Lomu is a paedophile That is a fucking nightmare mate That's not a fact No it's not a fact

But if you were not We're not talking like We're talking like Rick people here I'm thinking like Tyson's channel 5 fat Tyson Fury.

I'm not backing myself. That would be insane to back myself. Even a fat person, they would just push you out of the way. Yeah, but I mean like catchers in, you know where they are. Also, when I don't mean I'm running after him. I mean, they're there.

It's a fat pido. There he is. Finn likes an old, like a year old times catching a peter file. Like release the Piedos. Off we go. It's like Foxhunting with paedophiles,

which would be great, by the way. Let's do that. Yeah, there's a lechy bike shit. and listen to this so I'm a bit of care and twitching me. Do you just hate fun? No. Do you hate the innocence of childhood?

Listen. Listen, a 30 mile an hour, 10 year old is, it's not good, is it? Why? And the starting point was at my car. Why? I don't know why either. And I looked out of the window

because I'm like, two and a clock at night that makes a stupid noise as well. And the dad like sat on me bonnie. Brother. That's the world. That's worse.

That's the problem. Kids being able to go dead fast, isn't? Yeah, it is. I was stood at the window, Bollock off. There's no way. If they were around when we were kids, we wouldn't,

we'd have got them. They're class. My mum would not have let me have a fucking 30 miles on a motorway. I would have fucking loved one. That's not the point. You've got a 10 year old who's got no common sense flying around,

a risk to himself and anyone else. Like it's a fucking nightmare. Your mum would not have let you have a 30 mile on a motorway. But she's quite happy to have a 30 mile on a motorway. But she's quite happy to have a 30 mile and hour motorboat. No.

Well, I wasn't having it. It deserves it. It didn't have the rhythm of a joke. So everyone's like, Oh shit, to do it. Let's do it a bit. No.

Because a 30-mands-a-old motorbike is a motorbike. Like, a motorbike and regular motorbike goes 30 miles now. It's got, no help on. And now how are we doing? Mom, can I have a motorbike?

Should have gone? Absolutely not. No. Mom, can I go out with my bike tonight? Yeah. Fucking flying off. Do you're fucking Uber deliveries while. while she's in bed.

Is it fine for the delivery and Uber guys? They're fine on the electric base. It's well-wise for them. That's what I think, because they're riding around like the city centre and that's dangerous. Yeah, they're riding around pedestrianised areas on pavements.

They're a fucking nightmare as well. But at least they're delivering, you know, scrumptious food to someone who's hungover. If we make the children deliver scrumptious food, are you then on board of it? No, by the way, the kids should be on the road. They shouldn't be on the pavement.

No, they're on the road. 10-year-olds, don't give a fuck about that. They're anywhere. They want to be. It's, it is a problem. Like this is, I, again, I'm being a hypocrite because I had a fucking loved one.

It'd be amazing fun. But it's mental that a parent's like, oh, off he goes, no helmet, just flying around. It's like you when you got circumcised. Something like me when I got circumcised. Off he goes. No helmet.

On the pavement as well. Don't get off the pavement where you got no helmets. You can't have the kids on the road. More helmet. You can't have a 10-year-old. like a scrumptious kid on the road. No, either they're on it. Say that again.

I thought we talked about scrumptious kids. No, I said delivery drivers delivering scrumptious food. I think you've, you've... You can't have kids on the road. No, they shouldn't be on it. And if they are on it, they're on the road. That is the thing. What if they've not done their cycling proficiency test?

I don't think... No one's ever done that. We did it in school. Oh, me. Yeah, because you... From fucking Mordor. That's better than all the things you call real. Just you laps around the...

No, we went like on the roads. Oh, no, we just did it in school. But then I used to bike to school and then I used to like go like freewheel it down a hill. You were in them kids? Yeah, they'd have gone like here in America. Yeah, he's off to where, after we just go, woo! Yeah, but it was only...

School was only around the corner. Can you ride a bike? When you walked in? I could back then. I can now, but like not. You've forgotten how to ride a bike. The old attitude riding a bike is, you never forget, it's like riding a bike

and you've forgotten how to ride a bike. I can ride a bike. I'm just less confident. I almost got hit by a train once because I dodged it under the body like I went under the barriers That's on you Yeah I was like seven, eight

I was poor And then and then one time I am One time I was freewheeled it down a hill And I remember I hit chest first On someone's wing mirror And I was other foot going to go And then I just didn't know what to do And I thought the cops were gonna come from me

So I just got off and rode away Oh you damaged someone's car I don't know While they were driving Or a station? No it was a stationer I've written into a station with a car as well to be fair

What was this thing about cycling to school is... What's wrong with that? Trapper of an American in it. Like, no one cycled to school, not school. Nobody. I used to, when I was in, like, infant school or I remember that. And you got it was like... Yeah, or you're scooting or sort.

We used to get a little coupon if we bike to school. In primary school, they used to have, like... One free date with a mall. I think it was called bike it. You'll get dinner today. It was like bike it Thursday or something, and you'd get a little voucher, and then you'd collect them over the term,

and then you'd cash them in for... Kellogg's. For, for, for food? The house I'll eat this week. Mate, ours was a proper walk. You couldn't walk to our school. I mean, you could, but it's a 45 minute walk. Is it like out of town?

It was in the next like suburb. There was a bus, but cycling was the other, like there was loads of kids cycling. When you live by ours, that was in that way. It was the bike shed, man. Bike sheds? Yeah, see, that's quite alien to us. Where did you fight?

The Cindy Path. The Sinthapath, yeah. Who? In an arena? And when I was in little school, the fight was just on the yard. By the way, that question suggested I was like,

where'd you fight? Because that's the most important thing for me, because I was knocking motherfuckers out. Air and eight. How'd you fight in the bike sheds if it's full of bikes? Fight behind them.

You fight near them because it's out of the way. And that's also where the kids always in a corner of the... That's where everyone used to smoke. Yeah, we used to smoke and fight. We had them, by the way. We had bike sheds. In the car park where the teachers are park,

but no one of a, no one of a spike-up cycle to wear. Because you're not fucking battened on your bike-robs. Yeah, you're not cycling to school, mate. It's so gimpy. We had the lad in secondary school, genuinely he'd be unicycle to score for a... No, in my mum's life.

No one. I know this is the issue. Yeah, here's the thing. You know, like, we get about 20 comments a week going fucking hardy lying again. You're all fucking losing yourself, are you? Like, this is not believable. Oh, my life!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! It is fair la. And I think we used to have a, Fella? Yeah, yeah. So he went to the school as well. But on the,

so at the end of, on the half day before Easter break, we used to have a thing called Beefest, which was like, we all come in in in fancy dress and you'd have an half day. But he only got an half day if he came in on fancy dress.

And he came in as a clown one day. And then we came back for the next term and he came in on a unicycle. His parents don't love him. He came, he was a bit strange. We came back in the next term and he was like,

I just ride this to school for a bit. So can I just go ruling? Cardinal heena, unicycle. cyclists. Not allowed. Yeah. Why? No point in 11.

He will have been two years, maybe two years above me, a year above me. Yeah. Used to, well, in time we had a fight, there was an arranged fight on the day of B-Fest. And those two lads came in, not in, in, they came in uniform. And then after the, at the end of school, we went to the botanical gardens in Ormskirk. And everyone was dressed as fancy dress characters. So I was dressed as Susan Boyle, but I was in a, uh, uh, uh, I was in a sumo outfit with the Susan Boyle mask.

Disgusting. There's a fella, well, Subo. It was the joke at the time. And there was a fellow who was Buzz Lightyear who put his wings out or whatever. And we led essentially like a parade to this botanical arms and just watched these two lads like box each other.

And one tried to stamp on the other lad's head. It all kicked off and a woman filmed it over the fence and sent it to the police. So the police got a video through of just like Batman. Susan Boyles and a flyer. There was a lad riding an ostrich and then just watching two kids

stamping each other's heads and they sent police horses out I had to hide in Morrison's. Were they dressed up? How'd you hide dressed as Subo? I deflated the outfit. I meant the kids fighting by the way. Not the police.

Why were the kids in uniform? What was that? Because they were fighting. Because it would look ridiculous if they were dressed up. Super Dan. Yeah, it would have probably hindered them as well. What did Beefest Dan fault?

Beed. Because it was St. Bede. was the school. That was like... And you say it was an arranged fight as well. Do you mean they had beef or like their parents, like a Muslim arranged marriage? Was it like,

I want you to fight my baby? I think it's not a Muslim. Your baby is fine. Hello, I'm Muslim. Spot on. Fight my babies. It's pretty good. You'll fight my baby.

I'm Muslim. I want my baby fight your baby. Who has the best baby? It was a lad fighting in the, fighting a lad from the year above. So it was like crossed. So there was like on a way end, really. I was back in one of the last.

lads who was in my year. You had a fight. I've seen your fight. Yeah, fucking spot. You've got a video of your fight. But you're like RKO someone. Well, because there was a, there was a girl called Amanda.

Have I seen that? He battered. Who you thought. I don't think so. There's a video of him fighting. I was in year nine. Bad footage, but yeah. It's great.

So there was a good filmed on a potato. We did it. We did it at Church Fields. Genuinely, it was because at the time, I made a FIFA YouTube video when I was 14 and some lad shouted about it in R.A. And I went, that's embarrassed me. So then we had the fight.

Wow. You fight old school. Can you, sir? Any prospector? You have embarrassed me. And I was speaking to my mate Aaron. I was like, fucking so annoyed with Sunny.

Like, He's besmirched my good name. Yeah, I was like, I swear to God, if he ever says anything again, I'll fight him. And then my mate told someone else who told someone else,

and I came in the next day and there was a fight already organized for me. So then I had to go to this, to church fields. And on the walk from school, there was like, I had like a, people walked with me.

It was like I was fucking Tyson Fury. And I was like, yeah, you're going to batter him or whatever. I went to church field. And I really didn't want to get in trouble. So I refused to throw the first punch. And there was a girl there called Amanda. He was live streaming it. That was a pussy.

I mean, I was pushed into this fight. And the fella, I've got the video. A fella swings for me. And I dodge it like the Matrix. And then I bet you don't. I absolutely do. And I'll show you the video. He dodged like the matrix.

And then I'd grab him. So he's, he's, he's, he stood up and I grabbed him like that and lift him up and slam him. Yeah, it's always the special kids move to lift and slamming him. I've seen enough of these videos in America. There's some big kid getting bullied

by some nasty little cunt and the special kid always goes, well, fucking slum in it. It's because they've got the strength. I've got that strength, boy. And I just rained down elbows. Have you got the strength? No, I don't have the strength.

I might have some sense. He's got everybody else. I was a blessed. waste and the long time. He's suspiciously sturdy. I'd say that about Harry. I'd say I'm the opposite of sturdy. No, you are sturdy.

I think I fall over a lot. Oh no, yeah. You lose your balance for yourself, but I think as a person, you're quite dense. No, physically. Have you just nudged against him? Always.

Where do we watch those fighting? Is it on the internet? I've got it saved to my Google Drive. Can you put it on YouTube? You have to get a UFC fight past. We can stick it in here, but I'm not sure if us put content of kids fighting. Can we get Amanda's permission to use her?

You're one of the kids. Yeah, the kids are all older now. Yeah. I think that's how the laws wear can't fuss as your children. Being a man that could copy-dicts, like the episodes. Yeah, she could.

Because I called her Sky Sports News for a bit. Strong ban. Is it grass as well? She didn't put it up for, like, the teachers or whatever. Did you get in shit after it? I came home and I was like almost in, because I won without getting it as well. But I came home when I was like,

to my mum was a other fight. And my mom was like, okay, whatever. And then... Okay, whatever. Called my dad. He was like... Harry's lying again.

If anything, I was like Nelson Mandela because I brought my parents together. Like, that was a feeling of itself. Hang on, you weren't dressed as Subo this day, were you? No, no, no. And my dad called... Yeah, she called my dad and was like, you need to speak to Harry. He's had a fight.

Like, this is serious. Got the phone and my dad went, did you win? I went, yeah, and he went, did you cry? And I went, no, you were good. so. Right.

Yeah. So. What else is this to talk about? I absolutely agree. I'd love to find out that Jack fucking leathered a bully. That would be brilliant. Can I just say? I wouldn't get bullied.

I wasn't just some, we imagine that's what it was, had he? No, and then we went in the next day and me and Sonny were fine. I mean? Dapping up and all this. Neutral respect. I have to the fight. He's a good lad.

He's a good fight. Yeah, I've just got those. I don't know. I've got. If I didn't get the strength, I've got the reflexes. Nope. You don't have them. I don't have the reflexes.

He smashed a kid against the floor. He's got some strength. Do you have a curry on his bed? Yeah. That's not reflexes. I'm not catching curry. It should be. I'm just dropping.

And most of the curry went on me. I was telling Carl the other day that I, because I had chili in bed after football. This is a low, by the way. This is really bad. A new low. I had chili in bed after football. You cried to your bed last time.

I was just a new low? Because I was it, so I finished. whatever, and we're watching some film, and then we go, I'll go to bed, and I rolled over to go put my glasses on the side, and I just rolled in beans. And it was cold, and I had no top on, and I went, I just rolled in fucking beans, and now he just, like, lost it. I had to go to the, I had to go to the toilet and, like, wash beans off my side. Did she still bang you?

Not that night. Yeah, if you're rolling beans, you don't get sex. We've had post-been coitus, not, but not, like, straight after, you know? But like, if, if like, you know, like... Stop eating in bed, man. Well, no, because it was after football. And I want to spend time with her, do I mean?

She was upstairs. I'm going to come downstairs, with you? No, because she was... Because she was bollico. Beds can't be bollico because they haven't got bollocks. She was flapper cow then. It's a Spanish football game, isn't it? What did you do if you found out Etta was fighting, Dan?

Would you have a different opinion? I mean, there are some kids at the school who, obviously, you can tell their little shit. they're just fucking, they're going to be little knobbeds. They've got that mean streak, which Etta sort of doesn't have. And if,

I don't want to find out that Etta's going and just starting shit for no reason. But if she ever gets bullied and it turns out, what did you do? Pick them up and smash them on. I fucking love it. I'd love a bit of that.

How would you handle like, if, you know, because obviously the head teacher's in a position there, like if Etta's getting bullied, let's say there's like five girls bullying her. And she just goes sick. And she fucking bangs the five of them. And the last one,

she literally tombs them and breaks their neck, right? And she does the, a broken neck. A broken neck, right? I'm taking her training too far. She's been getting bullied for like three days. These kids, I don't know, I've just gone,

I'm going to go and bully that little cunt over there, right? Wow. And so then she batters four of them. I love it. I love it so far. Tombstone's the last one, literal broken neck. Right.

And they're not dead, though. No. Parvalized. Severely incapacitated. forever. Looks bad. I don't think you're repair. Yeah, life changing broken neck.

Life changing broken neck. Have you seen a million dollar baby? The one, yeah, the one where she's a... Where she bangs her head on the stool and then she's fucked. Right. Or she'd be like, like, Kurt Angler with. You have to fuse her neck and she's like, Batman. She can't turn her head no more.

Right. So one of the kids has a neck she can't turn. Yeah. The other kids just got sparked out. Of Batman. Cirt angle. Kirt angle and a million dollar. baby. She gets a million dollar care angled, Batman, right?

Million dollar care, Batman, right? She's fucked. Right, right? Bad news. And, like, you get to the school, because you get called him. Yeah, I reckon, I reckon that's a phone call that's getting made. Yeah. Etta's sat outside the principal's office, right? And she's just there, just doing, like, TikTok dancing, and stuff, she's not, she's like, falking stove. They're there, they're in. She's knocked four girls clean out. And she is million-dollar baby, angle Batman's for one, who is now in a critical condition. And in the aftermath, I get there, she's outside the head teacher's office on her own.

She knows what she's done. This is like an hour later, and she's doing TikTok dances to no one because she hasn't got a phone. So she has just... She stole one of their phones. She stole one of their phones. She stole their, they're there, Dingscoastard. On their TikTok account. Oh, wow.

That bitch is million dollar care. Batman Do you know what I mean? No one does No one watching that TikTok knows what she means She's not like, she's not and diagnosed it She's like, right, this is what's wrong with you forever

Goodbye And then you get there And you're like, you're like darling She's like yes, I'm fucking done it, didn't they? They were doing me head in They were being bitches, They've been audible to me and my mates And they'll never do that again

Especially that million dollar care Batman cuns And they called you a baldy cunt, dad She's still You know like Half Shadowbox and half dancing. Has she been nicking my testosterone? What's gone on? This doesn't, listen, you've met Etta.

Them sweets in your cup of the nice dad, by the way. Yeah? She's, okay, she's drinking my testosterone sipping in it. Wow. She does the beadle on one of them. She, uh, so you go, what happened? She goes, they were literally like fucking bullying me. They were being horrible.

Being horrible about you and Mom and Jack and all my mates they were just being disgusted then they were going to like physically threaten me so I just soved all their heads in and tombstone one of them and she's fucking million dollar care Batman now you know what I mean What's you mean by that?

You're like weirdly I do actually Exactly what you're talking about That's special was shite I thought they say They said that? Yeah You da shit Where the fuck are these bitches? That's fine Are they're in the hospital All right

What do you know Yeah Yeah never deserved best compared at the UK Comics Comics Comics Awards She's like a fucking bot. It's amazing. These girls really, because I hadn't been comparing well

for a year or two. If anything, that award should have been given to me in 2013, 2040. They really know the UK comedy circuit from when... Before they were born.

It's good knowledge. If you're going to be a dick to Etta, do your research. Yeah. This is class. I sort of respect the girls that are all unconscious. And there's lone shite.

Right. What did they say? There's lawn shite. And team. Martin was right. That garden officer's just a penis extension. I wish it was. Seven by three.

Yeah. So what's the question? We haven't been in the head teacher's office yet. This is before we go in. Yeah, and she's like, look, I didn't really want to fucking do it, you know, but you know, you mess with the king, you best not miss. That's her catchphrase.

She's been saying that for ages. So you're like, right, she's like, Dad, what do you want me to do? They were going to batter me. Like, so I just did, like, I just went sick. I blacked out of it, to be honest with you. But yeah, but yeah, I bang four of them. The other one was like, well, you haven't dealt with me yet.

And I was like, well, you're all getting tombstone. Tombstone there. Now she's a million dollar caret, time. Yeah, yeah. They're absolute caraway. Right. And you're like, right? So you're obviously supportive of it because you don't want her to be bullied.

You go in the principal's office and the principals' office and the principals, like, make an asset out. to be the bad person. Principles, like, hey, not being funny or anything, you can't go million dollar care Batman and kids. Doesn't matter how threatening to be in there.

And she's like, you're fucking getting it. Like, you don't love it. Ownwork on a Friday. And he's like, well... Squaring up to the headmistress. She's more like, you know... Yeah, okay. Fucking gave me own work a few weeks

ago on a Friday and you knew I had a Wachie Warehouse book for Zati, your little asshole. Who's siding? How are you dealing with that in that room? Are you going to I say, yeah, you can't be million-dollar K-Batlan,

and people, or do you go into a, you mess with my daughter, you get a million-dollar K-Batman? Before we go in the office, before we go in the headmistress's office, I'm really like, baby, you've done the right thing. A million dollar. You've defended my honour, the lawn's honour, by 2016 Comparing Award,

and you've done the right thing. Those little fuckers deserved it. When we go in this office, I am going to be like, oh, no, I'm going to play like, you know, you've gone too far, and we're going to sort it out because I don't want you to get expelled, which is, to be honest, on the cards. But just know this, that if that happens,

we're going to move to Thailand. You're going to start doing Muay Thai to a high standard because I think you're going to be a world champion, darling, and we're going to make a lot of money. So I'm just going to have to, you'd have to play it like, oh, she's gone too far. I'm on yours. I'll sort this out.

But secretly. Daniel sees the money. I've got Jason Bourne in female form. bad. It'd be amazing. I've got a little fucking, I'm going to pretend

to agree with the principal. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But then when we come away, I'm going to be like, hey, you million dollar cap, that man, whoever you're like, that's just going to be

amazing hanging out with Etta from this point on because she's just, she's leveled up without me even knowing she had it in her. Every bit of beef we get in, you know, the supermarket car park,

I'll just release her to twat some pensioner her. No, I don't know to smash her head in. She's only little, Dan. What? Any, could have fallen around she's just fucking way of her headin.

against all the kids she's good former adults former kids but you can start like a ring like a fighting ring for kids also adults can't kids as well so if anyone's ever nasty to you

like an adult I just release her like a little Tasmanian devil maybe you were in Erinan Nandoz and someone comes over and goes listen Dan you were fucking lucky to get three stars for Geronimo in your debut Edinburgh and she's like

fucking go talk to my dad like that again again some of this is spot off I'm so impressed that this random bully in Nando's, Ellesmere Port, is absolutely right. That was a two, two and a half star show out there. What happened was I felt the pressure of needing to do my first Edinburgh. But even after six years, I don't think I was ready to do it.

And I think the three stars that I got were sort of kind. So again, you're being a cunt in Nando's, but great research. Really specific knowledge. And it goes, no, Dad, I'll batten him. Yeah, she's just spinning here. He'll kick something in her upper cut to the chin. Wow. It's going to be fucking so much more fun being this kid's dad.

Like right now, she's just a nine-year-old. But, Love, Laura goes, no fighting, love. No, no fighting. No fighting. No fighting. How about, you? You're not well, Laura. This child is a champion.

She's the gypsy ming. She's fucking out there. She could kill any. This is great. I would honestly, that level of ability, fighting, we would be in boxing, can kids do mixed martial arts?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if she doesn't want? That doubt, is like, Dad, I don't want to use my natural talent so I just like colouring in, and I?

All right, cool. Well, considering what she can do in terms of death moves. I'm dangerous, but I don't want to hone it because then, you know. She's scared of what she's got. Yeah, would you get her, like,

therapy or counselling to, like, calm the rage so she can use it in a better way. Yeah. they kick ass. So we calm this deathly rage. Yeah. And what do you channel it into?

More aggressive colouring in? No, but more like she just unlocks it when she wants to do it. Yeah. She could do anything with the rage then. She could be a floresce or something. And how would that? Someone calls that. Channel your rage.

I don't think anyone can angry florist. No, you come back and go, these flowers are shies. Yeah, they're all in bits. The petals are everywhere. It's because, oh, we've got an angry florist. Now, what do you want? You're down. I think, no, I think you can channel,

I think rage is just a type of energy and you can turn that energy into a positive thing and make nice flowers. Or curries or something. Yeah, that's the options, isn't it? Could be a nine-year-old. So you've nearly killed someone, four girls are unconscious.

I think you should make flower curries. Be a curry chef, love. Be a curry chef. This is obvious. Be a chef. They're all hungry. I think chefs are psychos. You have to be a psycho.

to be a head chef. Right, great. So she's a head chef, stroke, florist. Stroke Jason Bourne, nine-year-old girl. Are she stroking florist? What? Are she stroking florist?

She should not stroke the florist. It's great. It's so good to just see your child's future mapped out. Because sometimes with parenting, you worry about the future. But I don't now because I'm going to have lovely bouquets and curries. You've got home later,

and she's the same. She's lovely at her, but then she just goes, would you go, whoa. But it's not. I'd know. As long as she doesn't turn on me. Similar, but different question, just to move the podcast along.

What if, uh, what if, uh, Jack, your youngest. What if he, uh, the younger of the two,

then. Just, just to clear up which, Jack, you meant, because I was, in my head, I was like,

is it your younger brother or Jack Finnegan? There's a lot of Jacks in our world. Jack Frost. Jack Wilcher. Jack Carowack. So Jack comes to you and goes, Dad, I want to be the ultimate fighting champion.

Oh, you're fucked. You're going to be practicing with your sister and you're going to be disabled real quick. Like John Favreau? Yeah. I want to be the ultimate fighting champion. And you're like, really? He's like, yeah, I just, you know,

there's something in my soul that calls out to MMA. And you're like, sound. Well, let's get you into MMA classes because I assume you would. Yeah, I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind it. But then he's shite. Oh, right.

Okay, good. He's horrendous. He's getting well-eed every week. Like, just battered. right right and uh but he keeps after every session he's like fucking hell dad you know rough one now but you know we go again next week don't we we we go again and the week after he just gets pummeled again and he comes out and he's like i feel like i'm getting better though like next week dad next week i feel a fucking win coming how long do you like he's having basically

you know an unsanctioned spa about every week one round because they're only kids how many weeks in a row, you let them get fucking destroyed. Hang on. Before you go, listen, son. This isn't for you. I think you should be a flogist. You know this? Or a curry chef. With kids'

MMA, are they just taking them in for a one round fight and then taking them on? There's no coaching involved. There's just letting him on. There's got to be some coaching. We're not just learning up. It's just a new version of like dog fighting. Obviously that's been illegal, but

you just take your kids down and do one round death matches. They're all padded. It's like too midterman. I imagine it's very minimal striking if there's any. Yeah, it's going to be rough to watch that, isn't it?

What's it like if you've got a lad who absolutely loves football and goes every Saturday morning makes you traips down to watch it? And he's the worst player on the field every single week. At what point you go, mate, I don't know how is it?

Good that you're enjoying it. My relationship with my dad is more distant after it. I think it eventually be like, lad, I think we're going to get you some spices. Let's make some curries. My dad quit football for me. So this is the answer. Yeah.

Your dad's done it. Nothing but nepp, by the way. Two in a roll. Two in a roll, man. I mean, we have moved the bin way closer. Shut up in. It used to be over there. All right, he's taking the wand.

Yeah. Yeah, would you, how many weeks? So let's say it's 50 weeks a year because you take two weeks off for Christmas. How many weeks in a row? How many years? How many months? Just seven years of him getting battered every single week. Like what if he still keeps wanting to go?

I can't. You've got to at some point go, lad, you're all shit at this. I know you're not, I know you're not meant to ever say that to a kid, but at some point, that will be good advice for their adult life. Like, if you are just repeatedly doing something that your dog shit at,

try something else. Like in life, how many times do you want to be the worst person? at a fucking kids' MMA thing. I feel like... With the same with football. After five years of watching my kid be the absolute donkey on the field,

I'd be like, should we try hockey or something? Oh, would you? You say that though, but like... Wouldn't you? If you had a kid... My kid wouldn't appreciate it. All right, but let's just do

the little mind experiment. No, they wouldn't be my kid anymore. I would abandon them on the fucking field. That would be driving home. If he loved it or she, if they loved... I love this. I'd be like, let's go for the kid.

If they'd love it. loving it? What's the, every weekend for five years days and one day might click. Also,

have you ever have the thing with Thomas Edison? So I don't know the exact number but I think he tried to make a light bulb

like 385 times and none of them worked and on the 386th one he made a light bulb and someone was like most people would give up

you know because you failed 385 times and he was like no, I didn't I found 385 ways how not to make a light bulb. Maybe that would be Jack.

I've found 385 ways to get my head punched in. You've been the worst mixed martial arts anyone's ever seen. For six years, but what I see is future UFC champion. Yeah, but if he won't, we just bingo, someone knocks him out, he's on top of the world, isn't he?

Yeah. If he scores a goal of foot, he's on top of the world, isn't he? Did you ever score a I scored a volley last week and I took me top off at five aside I scored

I think I scored I told this I scored one goal ever growing up and that was when I was because I used to play in goal Hold on

Do you mean in a match You don't mean in training as well surely We've said this before What it means ever I guess both Because I was only ever in goal And then like I wasn't

very good anyway But then I used to play You never have a game Like knockout or anything It was just always knocked out. I mean, I will have probably scored it, but also, yeah, do I mean? But I, I am.

Scoring goals, and I'll meet. Yeah, so I used to be in goal. And then one time they brought me out for the second half because I didn't play in the first half because they got a new goalkeeper in. And I scored because we batted some team that wore goggles. And then the next week, I got up at 6 o'clock in the morning and I was told I was going to be captain. And they went, actually, we're going to start the other goalkeeper.

And then they never played me because it was. like a six-pointe and then my dad quit football for me because it was a matter of principle. He started doing Floresy. It's really sad. It's really sad. Start again? I'm, I'm Megan Edgner. Do you reckon you could be like the coach if Jack wanted to get into football, would you be the coach of a little little kids football team?

As long as he's not the worst player on the field for five years straight. Yeah. Because then you're going to play your son and ever nature. Yeah. Because I've played in that team. Oh no, no. Our manager, it was boobs dad. And he just didn't play him.

he's a boob's dad as well. You're like ass, aren't you? You're like ass. Your boobs are last, man. In terms of kids football. Would you, if you were the coach of the team, how old's Jack now? Five.

So let's say when he's seven, you're the coach of the team. Right. And he's all right. He's like, he's the best full back. So, like, he's the best kid who's happy to play right back.

So he's playing right back. He's all right. He's not the most talented. He's just, you can pick him because no one else really wants to play. there and he's all right, right? And the team are all right. Are you going with, hey guys, the results don't matter. Let's just try and have fun. Or are you like, let's try and gag and press

and get some triangles going? Yeah, I'll get. Are you doing tactics with them or are you just being like the guy who's like, let's hope for the best? Because obviously, if I'm ever the coach of a kid's team, I'm implementing some international flared and trying to win the league. Right. Tiki-taki the whole way. Sure, he can play. Registers. Yeah. I've got my little Yordie Kroif at right back. Yeah. Oh, absolutely, yeah. I'd really get into it.

We'd worry about what I was wearing. I'd really take it seriously. We'll do training every night. What? What happens if the other team's like, ah, you're gonna mop at you? Would you engage in, like, send out of her? Yeah, I've just got her to.

I'll just cut her hair short and she'll just be Lee Catamol in the middle, just the enforcer, breaking legs. What if you're overhead, the other coach saying, right, we need to attack down the left wing because the right back's shite. That's the weak point. Megham.

And his dad's a con. She's only playing because his dad's the coach. Etta's playing it right back. Long studs. I think they've got mixed leagues, haven't they now? Yeah, there was girls playing in our league till we were like, till we moved to full-sized goals pretty much. Yeah.

Right, well, we need to train some stuff out of Etta then if it's a mixed league because every time we play play 40 other backyard, she cartwheels between passes and it's one of the most annoying things you'll ever be involved in. I think I did that once, you know, and I was really young. We played on the walkers by ours,

and it was a very boring game. And I was on the wing, and I cartwheeled. I was only a kid. And I came off, and my grandmother went, never do that ever again, and it never left me. He went, never do that ever again. Like, he was so...

He's a granddad, he's like, you know, he wanted to go, that was gay, but he didn't. Etta's actually practicing his spinning heel kick to the chin, though. That's where I can't wheel is. He's just threatening the players. Nice. can't wait for all this to happen

it's gonna be great you're all coming with me to coach the kids as well by the way those are the best days I want a backroom staff of all you psychos I would give so much to just be 10

go into a tournament one day getting ice cream playing with my mates all day getting sunstroke and then come in second that's all we did it was the best

was Boob's dad your coach the whole time yeah he wasn't the best coach he was just the only guy that could be arced I'd take it so seriously. He didn't bring some tactics. But that was better for me

because there was another team that wanted, the best team in the league wanted to sign me because I was the best goalie. But I was like, no, because I'd be bored. Whereas that team, I had stuff to do. Like Jordan Pickford?

Exactly. You like Pickford? I could imagine you taking it so seriously. How many kids cry? Like coach Carter, mate. Training starter three. You are latest of 255. Give me a thousand.

suicides and 100,000 press-ups. Like Pol Pot? What's a thousand suicide? Suricides is like the length of a basketball court. You sprint the length of the court and you have to touch the baseline. So that adds to the...

That's like a bleep test. Yeah, I think so. You're not asking the kids to kill themselves then? No. That'll be bleak. Not unless they'll lose a cup final. All kill yourselves, I'm going home. Stumb my head in, that?

Stumb my head in. Do you have a break? Yeah, let's have a break. And we are back. Welcome. Question. Tony Allenby says, I was thinking that millennials have the best childhood, but the worst adulthood.

So my question for the gang is what was the best decade to be 18? Surely it was best to turn 18 in the 70s. Easy life, everything was cheap, and there was no pressure to succeed. 90s, probably I'd say 90s. It was class. I'd say you, you pretty much nailed it.

When were you 18, like 97? 98. No, 99. When was the summer of love? 60s. 60s is the one. It's absolutely. Is this?

They're all drug addicts? Yeah, they were all high in Gousin. You could do that now and you don't. Yeah, because not enough people are doing it. If three other people do it, and I'll join it. Hey, there's less Goosing than there was in the... Yeah.

What, free love? Down in Cifold. I imagine the 80s and the 90s if you were partying was a really good time to be going out for the first time like, you know, going to the clubs and...

I was 60s, you got to whip out this move? Yeah, but they all went on with 10 o'clock. They were the days, man. Yeah? To me it? My clubs were anything. They went dancing to like 10 o'clock and then went up.

Yeah, but they had like afters at the house, didn't you? In a taxi cab. What area were you talking about after parties? The 50s and 60s? Yeah. They all went to bed and 10 o'clock. o'clock. You all went dancing and then went home.

No, Friday and Saturday they were having like afters at the house, weren't they going until four or five in the morning? On what? She's in the kitchen. I'm what? Satty? No, I mean, but what were they on in the 50s and 60s? They kept to work to... Alcohol? Come back to mine, baby. We're having an after party after the dance.

Were they on everything? I wasn't on... No, you went in the 50s and 60s. Everyone's a big fucking pill pop and gack machine. Some people just like a pint. That's for the 80s and 90s. We had afters without drugs. Yeah. Did you? Yeah?

What time do you go to, man? I don't know, maybe like four or five. Wasn't going to like fucking Thursday. He wanted to kill myself. Lord. I didn't in the 60s there, psychedelics, man. Yeah, acid was kind of becoming popular in the 60s. Yeah, not in fucking Ormskirk where you would have been though.

Whoa. This thing of like the 60s, man, it was free love, psychedelics. Like, you have to do it where you grew up. John had a little egg, poof. Yeah? And he was on the fucking LSD, weren't he? And so he was doing the LSD and the free love and the psychedelics in Egbeth was he in the 60s. Where his house was?

What? That's where his house was. That's where he lived all through the 1960s. I don't know. Never asked him. Did it with a dentist in old? And now we can't ask him. Dead.

Because they shot him. Did he? Yeah. The dentist spiked them. Egbeth Council shot him just to keep it all quiet. Med love, haven't you? Where does house? Someone of bed love, you could have said.

I don't think the 70s would have been in great to turn 18. No, there's all to say. He couldn't walk outside your house. We're not getting butchered. There was a three-day working week and tons of strikes. The country was on its absolute art. Alan, he's being butchered again, honey, four times this week now. There was so many serial killers that was knocking about.

Like the butcher, I'm like, oh, don't walk the streets, love. I wonder why serial killers aren't like as fucking... Because it's easier to get caught now. You could so be easy back then to kill people. He just pushed him in the lake and walk home. No one didn't even know. And also no one cared about, like, women. that's true that one unfortunately

you just killed loads of women they're like oh another one you kill women now people like fucking so no one gave a shit about Ted Bundy you could pick pot that's why he got away for it for so I mean it's because there was no

CCTV there was no cameras and DNA wasn't a thing they were like we've got all the evidence but he just keeps killing women so if anything let him nobody Yorkshire Ripper had killed a fella there would have been outrage there was outrage anyway I think there would be more that reach. The Yorkshire Ripper had killed a man.

I'm a feminist, free sisters. He was killing female sex workers where they were, you know, people didn't care about them less because no one knew who they were. There was a huge manhunt, though, wasn't there, to find him while, while I was happening.

See the killer's killed sex workers largely didn't he because they were easier to access. And there was less people who unfortunately cared about them. Yeah, but the legal system didn't just go, to be honest, it is a woman, and it's a sex worker. So, a little slap on the wrist.

All right. But it did. tone it down. Yeah, they did. It did a little bit. There was still a massive police one for anyone. Like, if it was some fucking middle class white guy, it would have changed a lot, wouldn't it?

Right. So if you're a serial killer who kills, like, government ministers, yes, that is going to be more high profile. The MP strangler? Yeah, they would have wrapped up on the MP strangler.

He's murdered the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Right, okay, I get it. That is... People just say, Chancellor. Yeah, the 80s is the golden age, is what they say of serial killing. The golden age of serial killing. There you go.

By in the 80s. Yeah. And it's just because, like, there's more stuff to do now. Like, they can play like FIFA than that. Paddle. If FIFA and Paddle had been around in the 80s, they'd have been less. Jill Dan.

They probably would have been now. Jill Danno wasn't a serial killer. I don't know. She died killing people. She died doing what she loved. By the way, not in the 1980s. I'm saying if the fellow who killed there would have had Paddle, he might not have shot her that day.

Yeah, but he wasn't a serial killer. Oh! You're in the pocket of Bill Big Dando, mate. Bill Dando. Bill Dando. Bill Dundto. Bill Dundto. Did she get John Leland?

Was she shot on the door? Someone knocked on her door, she opened it, and he blew an head off, and they never found the person who did her. They reckon it's because she was going to expose Saville. Who was she? Because I literally just know her as she got killed. I was the Elton John Lerick.

I think she was like panorama, the panorama of her day. She was an investigation. was on her in the day as well she was a majorist right right okay yeah she was like a travel

McDonald's on a woman might as if someone blue Treve MacDonald's other imagine Trevor MacDonald and Lady Die fucked yeah but what happened because she was a woman because she was a woman

Finn everyone was like ass mate there's lots of female journalist everyone was like what a woman's been killed running a mouth oh she was a journalist yeah running a fucking

what happens if Nina and Nana get her blown off mate, what happens then? The ambulance has come. End up's come, mate. The Yorkshire Ripper, they didn't catch the Yorkshire Ripper for ages. Do you want to talk about the Yorkshire Ripper? They didn't catch it for ages because there was a man in Newcastle

just called up going, oh, I'm the Yorkshire Ripper like? And they go, we'll look after, we'll look for him instead of the Yorkshire Ripper. So they didn't find him for ages. And then the fella in Newcastle, who was pretending to be the Yorkshire Ripper, got pulled over for fake license plates and they got arrested. like 30 years down the line. Do you know how the Yorkshire Ripper got caught? Yeah.

We must have said this. Yeah, I don't think of it. You know, yeah. You went into a police station and went, I'm the Yorkshire Dipper. Now you're thinking of seven with Kevin Spacey. The Yorkshire Dipper got like, pulled over for speed or whatever.

And the, the, the, the busys were like, oh, we'll have to process this, whatever. And he was like, can I just go and have a piston? Just while you do. doing that and they went, yeah, he is. Go on that tree over there. And they went over to the tree and come back. And the policeman was like, that was a bit weird, actually.

I was going to go on check. And he went and looked by the tree, and there was a big hammer covered in blood on the floor. And he came back and he went, he went to him, are you the Yorkshire Ripper? And he went, yeah. Yeah, they are they, yeah. Oh, damn.

See, they had more class back then as well. What an idiot? Just saying, no. Were they, what the fuck? Were they in a rush to, are you the Yorkshire Ripper? Yeah, let's wrap this up quickly. Yeah?

I think he was just done. He was glad to be caught. A lot of them are. Dennis Nilsson was, Dennis Nilsson was. They want the, they want the credit, don't they?

They want the infamy. Any switch, didn't he? Is Peter Succliffe still knocking about? He's not knocking about? If he's any way, he's not knocking about, I don't think. Did he?

Fred West died, didn't he? Fred West killed him. Rose is still alive. Apparently she was banging mad. Peter Suckl died in 2020, but there was bigger things going on there, so I think it just didn't get reported. COVID?

I'm 99% sure. We covered it at the time. Because you look a bit like him even though you don't like that. He died on my first day I have a word. Spooky. Maybe you're the reincarnation

of Peter Sutcliffe. I've been alive for 21 years before that. It's like object permanence. Did you know that by the way Rose West was bang and Mara Hinley? Where'd you get that? Rose West was scissing Maya Hinley in prison.

No. Harry? It's true. Apparently they were scissoring. And in back because Rose West or Mara Hinley used to do the cakes, whatever in prison. And then I found that and was like, fuck that, mate.

And he cut all ties. Genuinely? He was like, are you a lesbian? Nah, not for me. Myra Hinley. Madda Hinley, who is he but these accomplice? And Rose West. West?

We're Sizzarding. Google her. They're in a relationship. And sorry, she was the cake. She delivered cakes around the female prison. She delivered cake. Oh, these two are both very famous. They should probably bunk together.

Can't see a problem with that. There's a documentary by Trevor McDonald. Which one delivered the cakes? Cisor rippers. I don't know that. Charlie Cisor sisters way. Strike those. Trying to do the word playing.

It's not mad, too. It's like, that's like, it is mad. Brown and Jordan were on the same team. Cissor in each other off. Yeah. LeBron and Jordan have been lesbian sex. But they definitely fucking, yeah.

They had a relationship. Why not? I don't I mean? I think they were just like, the comparing notes. Like how did you do they? Oh. Yeah, I did it this way.

I had Evie. Thanks and after. So, Tony, the 90s is the answer. 1994. Why? Blair? No, I feel like

there's a few years. 99, won't it? Tony Blair, the year of Tony Blair. I think he became Labour leader in 94. 97, he won it, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Diana died. And then my mum died.

Thank you, Tony. Angel Dando. Was it 97? It was around. Is it 99? Is it 99? 2000. I'd say.

1999. When was the Zodiac killer knocking about? Well, before that. I think the Zodiac Killer killed, Kill, Jill, that'd be a twist. 968. See, even the killers were, like, more whimsical back then. Yeah. They had, like, puzzles and that.

Wimsy. Word search. I do have more respect for the serial killer if they, like, put a bit of fucking paprika in the jam. You know what I mean? Nope. Horrible jam, that? I'm the publica killer I just mean like when they do

something like that The unabomber? The unabomber? The unabomber? Mama's saucy. Yeah. Like, just having like a bit Like, you know, someone just going around randomly killing people.

It's like, especially back then, you're probably going to get away with it. I like the guys who are like, do you know what? I'm going to give you a stokeu to do. And if you fucking sold it out, do you know what I mean?

Yeah. There's a little bit of flare. I mean, it's horrifically evil, but a little bit of flare on there, but now I get my analogy. A little bit of paprika in the jam. Yeah, yeah. Like, of course it's evil,

but it's evil to kill anyone for any reason. So just, like, if you're going to do it, if you really can't help it. Yeah, a fun one is better than a non-pun one. Listen, killing is absolutely awful. Terrible thing to do, but if you're going to do it,

a bit of showmanship, you know what I mean? Don't disagree. Have you seen you've got the Unibon? hut in a weird angle. I don't know, you know, loads of serial killer stuff. The Unabom is obviously a very famous nickname that he's got, but I don't know what he did. So his name was Ted Blushita-Kachish-Kas-Busch.

Krasinski. A little bit of Papi-Pri-Pri-Rin. When we spoke to Joe, he said he was next door to the Unabomber, didn't it? And what did he do? He lived in the woods, in a little hut on his own. Because, like, he didn't trust banks. he didn't trust society,

he didn't trust capitalism, he didn't like any of it, in America. And he started to send, making bombs himself, and then he would travel to different places all over the place to post the bombs as male bombs

so that whenever the bomb arrived and went off, he knew that the police would go right, well, that was sent from there, and it just never added up because they were from all over the place. They, they, it obviously looked like there was like a team of people doing this

but it was just one guy in the woods it was really committed to not getting caught and then eventually they put a profile to get a really really great profiler and was like, we think we're looking for a guy who doesn't trust society

who lives on his own who's doing it on his own and this and that and that and that and his brother and his wife were like that sounds like Ted and they went you probably want to go

the woods and have a way with our head, you know? And they went the woods and were like, are you the unit, man? He was like, yeah. Again, right, at the end. They had honour. Absolutely, no, fight him.

Can I just have a piss first? There's loads of stamps. Yeah, he's in my bastard. That's a pretty accurate summation, I think. That's literally a. Madcon. Right. A wild goose chase.

Where do you want to go from there? Do you want to do a wood you rather? Yeah. It's been a while. I don't know. In the woods, you rather? Nice. Would you rather?

Joe Baker says, Hi, guys. Have, oh sorry, love to show, have a quick, oh my God, is it would you rather, would you rather lose one inch soft or two inches hard? You have to lose some inch it, inchage,

inches? Inches. Inchage. Inches. Hang on. So if I lose an inch of my flaccid penis, when it's hard, it's still as big as it is now when it's hard.

Yeah. More then flassive. Soft all day. It's not, it's never used, is it? It's basically in like, 100% standby mode.

You can't lose it to piss with though. You'd work it out though, wouldn't you? If you had 40 dick and then you lose another inch that's coming from inside your brother. Yeah, but with my manager.

Yeah, said that. Uh, would you remember to lose? If you're out in public, right? Say you're at the football. The carc's not. No, say you're out in the football and it's cold

and then you go into the, toilets and you're at the trough. Yeah. And you're pissing from inside yourself. It's going to freak everyone out. I sit down. No one's there. No one should be looking.

You do your little sprinkle dick in the fucking toilets on your own. Do you look at dicks in the toilet? When you're at the football, it's hard to, it's hard not to. Do I mean, they all... Do you intentionally look at dicks in the toilet?

Sometimes. Depends what me, I do you mean. Gay mood. It's not gay? I don't kiss it. No, it isn't, no. But if I saw a video... It's a look at a cock.

So if you're a background on the old, phone was a big, vainy cock, is that like that? No, I don't think it is. No, I don't think it is. No, taking a picture and having a big vainy cock as your screens over, you know, that is, then we, then you could be like, I also still don't think it is now. I think it might be the most masculine thing in your background could be.

Is it? Is it really? I think it might be, yeah. Who's the most masculine man in the world? Me? After you, second. Jason Momoa. So have you met him when he was like, yeah, I've got a big cock at

you're back at all, you'd be like, oh, that's masculine. You don't think that's weird, Jason, that mate. Genuinely, you've got, you've got clocking, just clocking a willy on a toilet is instantly you go, that's gay that you even want to. No, I just don't look at willies. I don't, I don't intentionally look at Willie. Which is so straight, Carl, sorry.

No, it's nothing to do with him. I just don't go on and look at his Willie because he's having a wee. Well, if you're at the football and the fella next to you, like, is making all these grunting noises, and you just want to see what's going on? I'd look at his face.

Yeah, but like, it's cock-knit's talking to what's going on. I can see you kind of spark, like you want to have a look, do I mean? Carl wouldn't. Who's this? Carl wouldn't look for a day.

Like, there's a lot of kind of groan in men at the Wiggin games and stuff like that. There's a good one of me at the event games that we just sat down watching the game.

I'll be honest. I don't consciously look. Occasionally you accidentally get a glance at you. That might accidentally look and I won't be like, ooh, oh my, yeah,

but sometimes it's like reflect. I'm not going, I want to have a look at clock from there. Do you get paranoid if you are, say, in Pogues and a fan comes in and he goes, Oh, he's having a piss. I'm not going, they're looking at my dick.

That's all I'm thinking. Especially because it's been well documented on this podcast that I've got an absolute fucking hoover of a car. I do protect it more in a place where I know someone might, yeah.

There's only so many hands you've got, though, isn't it? I tend to in public use cubicles now so that people don't look at me knob. Enough. When I went into Pogues after Stars in the Rise

I was in Dungarees, I had to strip off my dungarees. No, you didn't. Go for a week. Like a child. At the trough? At the trough. For a wee?

You took your dungarees down at the trough? Because people were doing coke and that in the toilets. I couldn't go in. So I just had to like, I did like a year two wee. That's so bad. What else am I meant to do? I needed a wee and I was wearing dungarees like Eminem.

You wait for the cubicle? No, because it's the one in post which minging anyway. And also there was just like a line of people going in and out for Coke. It's like, some of them shadyy's going and I'll go in the waz. No, I'll go in the pub. I was on top of the world that night I would have couldn't have done anything

did you pull your boxes down as all? Yeah, I didn't piss myself I didn't pull the chungerries down and pissing me cats I mean like a year too No yeah like my heart It was psychopathic Yeah, it looked insane

You had your dungerese around your ankles and just everyone could see your undies and you were just hanging your knob over the top of your undies Yeah, because In the pub Because already I was dressed like Eminem So it's like

What, do I mean, I had to come in the outfit because otherwise... You didn't have to come in the outfit, none of us. No, Harry, that was, that was a decision you made. Because you were like, I've dyed my hair, so I want everyone that doesn't know I've done a show to realize that I'm doing M&M. You didn't want to be in your normal clothes with blonde hair. I don't want people to think, who's that, like, massive paedophile. You look like a bigger paed afoul, do you look like a bigger paed of dungatheas?

No, because I'll blatantly look like Eminem. You fucking didn't? And also, you look like Eminem in the context of I'm Eminem and Stars. in the night is when you walk out with a chainsaw and the fucking Texas chainsaw massacre mask that's when you look like Eminem in Pogs you just look like a fellow who died Zerbond and wears Dunganese and also if you did

look like that's what you looked like you didn't know one you didn't walk in and everyone was like fucking hell he's just as Eminem they're just like fucking hell that come back and no one else kept their outfit on yeah so all of the people that performed were back in their normal civy clothes and you were like I was Eminem but even if they did go

Eastchester's Eminem is that cool do you know what looking back I got an Uber and the Uber driver didn't ask any questions. No. So, yeah, you might be right. Also, you kept the mustache. So people wouldn't have gone, that's Eminem because Eminem didn't have a mustache,

I don't think. Backed. Come back to me. Also, you lost the fight. We've watched it in the break. Oh, fuck. We have all watched it independently. I don't think you lost the fight.

You didn't slam anybody? I did slap. I took him down. You did. He took you down. He didn't take me. Put it in now. Put it in now.

Put it in now. Put it in. He wraps us arm round. God, to Harry's head and pulls him to the guill. No, I have my arm round his waist, slam him, reining elbows down,

and Amanda's going, Harry, Harry. She ran out of breath. Yeah. He pulled you down to the floor. And he pulled you down in a way that didn't help him.

Yeah. That's what happened. He lost the fight more than you winner. Absolutely not. He scored an absolute tone goal by pulling a fucking eastern island there down on top of him. And then I scored about seven no goals, seven goals

with the elbow. The dodging the punches is great. But he wraps his arms around your neck and pulls you to the ground. He definitely doesn't look like the slam you advertised. You were like, I got him and I smashed him to the ground. Because you all have a million dollar cup Batman's in your head and thinking that a tombstone in this fella.

You said you slammed them. You did them. It was a slam. You said you picked them up and slammed them. No punters. You didn't pick him up or slam them? Yeah. They're right.

They're watching it now. I'm not King Kong Bundy. I mean, like I just did a little... No, he pulled you to the floor. He lost, his fault, but you did not slam anybody. Leave it in the comments, comment. Was there any, by the way, you elbowed him in the face several times. Did he get back to the school?

Like, because it's... Was there any damage? Did he come in, like, black and blue the next day? I think he had some cuts. I had no scratches on me, except me and me shirt was ruined. From where he pulled to the ground. What about your neck when he grabbed you by the neck? I was absolutely, Scott Fried, do you know why?

Because he was just, he was hanging on for dear life and I was slamming. Do I mean, I was in control of the... I'm like, bomb-moly. We were slamming. I think you slammed him. I think I won. It just wasn't quite as dramatic as you made out initially.

Because in my head, it was like, it was life or death. I haven't had a scrap for years. I'd love a scrap. In the break. I'll have a fight with Harry all time. Go on. I've never had one. Never had a scrap.

You know a scrap. No, I've knocked someone out. I told you to punch Robert in the face. Ducked one, but I've never had like a, you know, a fight. Did you ever used to like... He was out cold? He was on the ground, like... Unconscious?

I stood over and went, lad, I don't want to fight. And, you know, it's easy to say when you've punched someone in the face to say that. Also, he started. I kicked his ball away a footie. And he went, what are you doing, lad? I went, lass. and he went, my granddad's dead or something.

Like, it was anniversary of his granddad dying. It's not really relevant, is it? Well, I went, and, I went, and then he got upset because his granddad had died like three years ago, and then he went to punch me. I went, no, on the off button, I went, lad, I don't want to fight,

like Jackie Chan. I don't want no trouble. I don't want no trouble. Everyone's dead around me. Yeah, that was the only time I've ever been in an altercation. What did he do then? He got off.

He gave Carl 200 quid and said, sorry. No, but he got off. up and I went, lad, let's not do that. And he went, all right. And then he came back to ours and sat on the doorstep and wait for this moment to pick him up. We were fine.

You don't end up in a bad way. Would you mate? He'd fight. Oh, he's a mate? Yeah. Oh, right. We were like best mate at the time. Oh, shit.

Yeah, wasn't just some randomer? I hadn't got the friend thing. So it sounded like you'd knock someone unconscious, gone, I don't want to fight. And then he'd come and sat on your doorstep until his mom came back. I don't want to fight, strange, man. Come round, we'll get you some juice.

I don't know who you are. Come back to mine. Stay on the porch. Your mum's coming around to pick you up. That's the ultimate knockout. Your mum's coming. Yeah? And your granddad's dead.

Not my fault. Have some Robinson's. My mum's kind. Rehydrate and fuck off. You're not far away. You've been reglet. You're a break? You're a nice kid.

Yeah. There's on break. Hello. Paul Smith's here. Ooh. Been a while. Dan, you look stressed, man. Hi, Paul.

A holiday on my week. Probably need a holiday, don't I? Yeah, you do look like we need a holiday, really badly. Probably need a holiday. But I just four days away. With the boys, no. Not with the family. I'll tell you what, I'll organise it last year

and put it in the bin 12 hours before. Oh, darn. Someone stole your passport, have they? I haven't got a passport. And, yeah. Definitely, definitely no way of getting one. Like, as we had in the city. where the passport office is.

I love that. But apparently you're not allowed to just turn up at the passport office. That's what they want you to think though, isn't it?

I've definitely done that before but maybe that's I've done that. Do you remember I had to do that when, oh can I just go down? I have done that before. When we were going to Vegas,

I went in and went, listen, I need a passport. You're all that nightingale done, throw your waist around. Yeah, yeah. They went, there's absolutely no way we can get you a passport if you've lost to do.

Like if someone stole it, it's not your fault. And I was like, I think it was stolen, actually. And that had a similar Yeah, that happened to me as well Because initially

I thought something else had happened But then I was like, no, it's been stolen And then I reported it as stolen So that now legally is what happened to it So I went, yeah, I think it was stolen And they went, well, that's a different kettle of fish all together And they went, well, we'll try and rush it through And bish-bash-bosh, they did

And we got to go to Vegas I also forgot to do mi-ester as well. Yeah, we nearly never went for that as well. I really, I try me best not to go to Las Vegas, like. You can do the esther thing when you land, though, can't you? I just imagine, not anymore. They won't let you on the plane until you've got one. Oh, shit, okay.

And I got there and they went, your Esther is on your old passport. That's what, it wasn't that I'd forgot to do, but I had one. They're like, it's not connected to you. It's connected to your passport. And I was like, well, that's fucking stupid, isn't it? Anyway, you can do it.

You just have to go in and assert some dominance. You got to kick the door as you go in. Yeah. Right, right. Walk in and go on that, that's a doggyllgo. fucking get out you way. Make it sound like it's their fault. Move you.

You go in and go. I'm Dan Nightingale. I'm here for me passport. Is there any chance? You got muscles now. Just fucking flex. Is there any chance? I can take all of you with me.

You're so it's so mental that they give me a passport. Outside the passports office and tell he gives it. This is really weird. But Paul Smith, Adam Rowe, all of the have a word boys, a giant with a camera and seven dogs have turned up with Dan Nightingale who says his passport. has been washed, lost, stolen.

All at the same time. All by some clean freak, ADHD thief. Either that or drive. And then just hope you don't get stopped. Oh yeah, just drive. Drive to Albaferra. Take some drugs as well. Take some drugs as well.

And that can pay for petty. 18 hours, yeah. 18, 18 hours. If you left, not, you get there before them. It's great. Go off the ground. Better than not going. Get the bat.

I'm on. You fucking waiting for. Get the motorway cans in. Go on Paul's boat! Yeah, yeah. I've got a boat there. I'll engine the boat to go. Thank you, Paul.

So good that you're the guest this week. Isn't it? So hang on, how do I drive? You drive down to Cali. Drive towards where you're going. Drive down to Dover? Dover. Dover.

Yeah. Get the OroStar or the ferry. There's no passport there. If you go fast enough, you can just get to Horton. There is passport, but it's like you might not use... The White Cliffs of Dover,

or just a ramp if you want it enough. Go to London and get the Orostar. star. Right. Get the Eurostar to Brussels. And then get the train from Paris to Albaferra. The famous. You might get there on Tuesday with the flight. Albaferra. Oh, it's great. Or go to Hull, get the ferry to Amsterdam. Right. And then just

like, hitcher. Hitcher with Eddie Stobar. Yeah. Yeah. Suck some cock on the way. Probably never get past Birmingham with a mouth full of jiz. Can you get the protein? charting on jet. Are we going the right way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually literally had to do that.

I did a show in Belfast and got cocky because every time I've been to Belfast, I've never once shown me passport because you don't technically need to. And I went to Belfast, but I always take it with me just in case, left me passport in Belfast, realized on the way back to the airport,

and was like, well, I'm back here next week. I'll just get it next week. I'm in the same hotel. Yeah. Rang the hotel, Othelman, keep all that for me. got back to the airport the next week to fly out and fucking air lingers are like, we've just changed the rules,

you need your passport. And I was like, you fucking messing me passports in Belfast. And he was like, it's not what we can do. We don't know who you are. And I went, you do know who I am

because you've just got a selfie with me. Like the girl just literally got a selfie with me. And she was like, oh, there's nothing I can do. I was like, come on me. And people, everyone on the plane was going, oh, let's see you tonight. I was like, I don't reckon you will, you know.

But I had to charter the plane. To I had to go from Manchester. Some people ask me, you know, they go, you've known Paul for years as he changed. I go, no at all. I had to charter the plane to take, I had to get to Liverpool, charter the plane to take me over to Belfast

and like smuggle me in. Right. Technically, if that's illegal, that's a joke. Someone met you with the airport with your passport, did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is all jokes, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is all jokes. It's all comedy, may not. Do you not need your passport to charter the jet now? Um, no. Paul, you're one of the few mates I've got that I could say this to. In the next 12 hours, can you buy a plane, please? Yeah.

All right, sweet. How much did it cost you to Charles and a jet to go to Belfast? Five grand. They wanted 12 originally, and we haggled them down. That's good haggling that, isn't it? Is that our turn? I know, you don't need to retain. No, no, it's just one way, four people.

That's not awful. You know, what it is, it's called dead legs. So you can get dead legs. and it's like fucking so like if the plane was already there someone had flown here from somewhere and it had to go back that way anyway so if you catchy you just get a cheap flight those are people there

no when you see all these influences on private jets going to Dubai that's deadlegs they can't afford that and it's a medical emergency as well if that helps so what are you going for then what's the option you're going to pick here? I'm going to go and get dead legs hopefully getting a Manchester to Albaferra deadleg you're not going to go to the office in a minute and throw your weight around

Yeah, I'm going to throw all of our way around. I'm going to say, apparently it's good if there's a medical emergency. So I'm going to say my nan, stroke Binty, who's already there, is ill, got that fast-track aides, you know, really. And can I have a fast-track passport? Because she might go, he might go. So I'm going to, what medical grounds. I'm sure they can print you a passport day to day. Yeah.

They can. They have the facility. Yeah. How do I get there? How do I get in? You've got to go in and act like there in the wrong. if you go in asking them for a favour, you're asking a fucking civil servant

to do you the favour. They can't be asked. They work for the civil service because they can't be asked doing anything. It's careful. You go in with the attitude of I was told my passport to yeah, I'm ready to pick up.

And when they go, it's not, you go, well, fucking sort it, Susan. Yeah, that's true. Go in and go out of me to collect your passport. Just stand me in the queue until someone asks why you're in. He's waiting for me bad school. Susan,

I've been here for five hours, Susan. Change my number in your phone. to Her Majesty's passport service and I'll text you go and your passport's taken. He's the Pope in mine, so. So I walk in and go, hey, I'm here for my passport.

I reported it stolen, stroke wash, stroke lost, like at 48 minutes ago. I thought you'd be on this. I've got Albaferra. I've got Binty's got AIDS. In Albaferra right now, it's a medical emergency.

That's the point in Liverpool where the passport offices. It's one of that only bow. That's why I moved here, famously. Go in and go, do one of the phones, you're ready in an hour. Have you got her? Yeah.

And who is this woman? I'll ring her right now. I'll ring her right now. You'll be talking to Susan. The woman on the phone was Susan. Oh, I can't do that. Susan's on a break. Might be a job. I've literally got, there's always Susan. Look, passport off his number. Ring it and be like this woman, Susan is going to sound a bit like

famous comedian Adam Rao. And there's going to be a bit confusion. He'll do with scale voice. I'll put a voice. Right. Let's play it out. Susan. Hello, dear Lord.

I'm just a nature. How can I help you out of day? Your Nigerian's off, Susan. Susan, you know you rang me and said my passport was ready? These fucking idiots here, your colleagues haven't got it ready for me. What are we going to do here, Susan? Put the silly bitch on the phone. Wow.

There you go. There you go. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Susan, give the man his passport. Did you know what it was called Susan? Can I just say, I've been to Nigeria and I really had a great time. Weirdly.

I was a Nigerian. I was Jordy. Oh, okay. I'm fucked. When you fly tomorrow, don't? I'm not. I say this to me misses all the time. You're all just too agreeable. Like, you're all just like take the fucking beatings life give you and you don't just

fucking ever assert yourself. Be aggressive, done. I got to Vegas. I lost my, when did you fly? Tomorrow? Midday. I lost Slack. had my passport stolen.

I lost it. I told them it was stolen. What? Oh, do you fly tomorrow? Yeah. So I, it was the day before with me.

I was like, I need a next day thing and it came the next day. You didn't tell me is to not stress me. Yeah? I didn't know. I told everyone.

Yeah. And it was fine. But I went in and I was like, listen, Susan, get me me fucking paperwork. They make passports.

You need a passport. What is the issue? Exactly. If you'd lost your pasty, you'd go back to Greg wouldn't you? I'd be like, I'm doing a Nigerian voice.

My name's Shulan. Where am I pasty? I've watched. It's been washed lost or potentially stolen. I need a 24 hour emergency pasty.

Start. What happens if you're in Portugal? And then you're passport? It's a better problem to have. No, it's not. You have to go to the embassy, don't you? Yeah. And get diplomatic community.

If the embassy can do it, the passport's it can take a week. How can it? I got stranded in Japan doing that because I lost Seneca's passport on the first day. But luckily, got it back. Otherwise, I'm about to go to the police station every day for a week. No, but they deport you don't do, essentially? If you haven't got a passport, you just get deported.

We got sent to the country and I left it in the airport. No, you have to pay whatever it costs them. Well, you're going to put... It's about five. No, if you lose your passport on holiday, they're not deported. What? If you lose your passport on holiday, which I imagine happens. Did you just become homeless?

No, you have to sort it with them, but you might. have to pay for longer to be there while they process it. You can't leave the embassy. You like Tom Hanks in Terminal. Got no money, mate. Terminal. What's it called? Terminal.

Is it called? The terminal. Never watch it. How are you, Paul? I'm sound. How are you? Sound. You really got a boat?

He showed me. It's quite fancy. That's a boat. Is it like all white or is it like old school? Like wooden? No, it's black and white. It was in James Bond. Oh, fuck off, Paul.

It was in quantum. them of solace. This boat? What? No. Same both, same model. Same model.

Yeah. My car's been in adverts then. Yeah, yeah. Bad guy. I was going to lie then with the force. Yeah, bad guy. So one of your fans will be like, nah. Why have you bought a boat?

Because me, Rob Thomas and Rudy were hung over in pool last year. And Rob was like, should we go and look? That's where his son seeker is. And he was like, should we go and look at the boats? to get over this angle over and I was like, yeah, man, that sounds sick. Let's pretend we can afford a boat. We get to there.

Turns out you can. Yeah. So sick. Was it James Bond's boat or like a bad dude? It was the bad ease one, but then he takes it off of him. Yeah. What Sunseeker, by the way? I don't even know what that is.

Sun Seeker is one of the biggest yacht builders, British yacht builders. Sun Seeker, Princess and Fair Line of the three biggest ones. Where's Pearl down by Southampton? Yeah. Yeah. How often are you using the boat? I've used it once this year.

It costs a lot of money. It's definitely not worth the money. Oh, where's it docked? Where's it more? For a berth and talkie. I'm actually mistaken. It's docking your boats and to talk here when you live in England. When the tinius goes out, it will be up for sale

because I am looking for a slightly bigger one. Just to be clear, you've bought a boat. You haven't used it enough and you've gone, I'd be using that more if it was bigger. Because I, right. what it was, I'm happy I bought this boat because I didn't know for call about boats, right, but what I essentially bought was a day boat for the med, right?

And we do not have Mediterranean weather other than like this week. So like this week, perfect boat because it's just open. There's a little bedroom underneath a little kitchen and that. But like most of the boat is open on the top deck. So like there's some lounges and shit like that which I can't go on because I'm ginger

so I'm just fucking hidden under a little fucking cover. So what are you looking for? So I'm looking for one way. like a saloon in with like a little living room and there. Like a yacht. Basically, yeah. So basically, most people come on this part to go like, me tour goes on sale next week

or I've got a special out. You've come on to go. I've just come on to plug me boat. Yeah. Wrenzis, go out. Sati. Yeah, it's going on sale Friday night. W-Doooooooooo-Wamarene.

Dotco. UK, if you want to buy me boat, 170 grand. How much? 170 grand. I'll give you five gram for it. And I'll give you five. A molly for that.

That's 10. 10 each. Well, five each. Five each. We could just put it on the second part. You can rent it for it. It could be like a time share. Would you time share?

I would time share. Yeah, it's called it's Torquito. We've got half an hour for five grand. We can ride it up here though. Could we leave it? I was actually thinking about getting it up here for the, to get it on the Mersey, but cost of fucking fortune. Petals and, well, diesel's, I don't I? Plus you might drown.

No, you're, I thought you said it was a Mediterranean day boat? I thought you said it was a Mediterranean day boat. Yeah. How are you getting it up here? just in the day. Sail it up to fucking in the day, yeah. What do you mean?

You just go round the side, don't you? Up the Irish C. And then term right into the river Mersey. Yeah. Sounds classic. Also, like, even if it's sunny, there's a lot to think about. You've got to get, like, loads of apps and shit

and they fucking, there's rocks under. You don't need apps, do you? Because they've had boats for years. Yeah, but those people who drove boats before the apps actually knew what they would do. Look at the Titanic? They didn't have an app. Basically, me having an app means I haven't had to go to

fucking naval college for like a two years to fucking figure out wind and tide. You said all this, but like I hired a boat on Lake Como and I was jock and all that. That's on a lake though it's not tidal, you whopper. Oh, great PG Slime. But I've also done it round Capri. Yeah, a big boat.

It was like a dayboat. It was like a morning boat of yours as a dayboat. Yeah. You should do. Well, I mean, we're on a rocky coast. I was absolutely jock on it. Maybe you're just a shipboat. I am a shipboat.

What was the, you said you were the, like a, a course what do they do uh you take it out on a little rib which is like a little like like one of them like you see the s as on right and then you just do like basically you go out and you got to do like man overboard and that do you're like starboarders yeah starboard's that's that i don't have to take your head on there i don't know i've just heard it before which starboards over here port the holes at the back i don't know why people like it's just boat gimp's trying to be about gims and it. That's trying to be exclusionary that.

Why can't you say right? Yeah. That's on the left. There must be a reason though. I actually don't know. Because right sounds like something else. I think it might be because it's like having stage right and stage left. It might be because you need that it has to stay the same side no matter what way you're facing.

That'll be it. Maybe. Because left changes the way. Because left. I'll tell you, after this conversation, I'm not getting in a boat with any of you lot. The lack of. Starboard. What's fucking left.

I'll show you videos and me jocker a boat around Capri, mate. At one point, there was a lot. a bigger steno liner coming towards us and I had to fucking James Bond it out the way. The Caleb's at the time was fucking dripping, mate. She fell in. No one's found her.

It was class. I love it, me. It is. I for as much as it costs, I got out on it last week and I was like, I was like, I'm selling this boat and then I got on it,

I was like, that's fucking sickest thing ever. Like Joey from friends. It's, yeah. It's the best thing ever. Where are you allowed to go. Can you go wherever you want?

Can you just go to like Portugal? You could, but you can't please. You have to plan stops. I think I can get about 300 miles on a, on a tanker hill on mine. Oh, you've got to stop. Go to like Gainesie or Jersey or whatever. You could just take a load

of fuel on the boat though. Yeah. You could. You could just fill your, you could just fill your seat in your car with petrol as well. Big road trip. Just open the wind, doesn't it? There we go.

Fill a boat full of petrol. It's filling the bed. As long as you don't smoke, you'd be a light to get a fill in bed bedroom of bedding. Can they get me a down down there? No, it's just full of diesel.

You're saying that it wouldn't work? It would absolutely work. Can't argue with the logic of it. Just don't have a bit for it in your sort of like it. Yeah, diesel won't even light, will it? It'd be sweet. I don't think. I wouldn't risk it though.

I think it'll explode. Oh, you know. No? Oh, he's on to it, mate. I mean, if you clash it, maybe. be a great way to go. Like if you're going to go, a mile high fireball.

A boat full of these. What happened? They're sick. Do you know, like you were mentioning this because you said to him before, you could just drive, I don't know about this,

you said you can just drive to Portugal. Yeah. Right? And just hope you don't get stopped. Surely there's like borders like on the way. Where you defa will get stopped?

I mean, there are. But I, I don't, I mean, I've never done it. I imagine ever at the time to do spot checks on everyone. I don't think it is, I don't think it is on the ball as airports.

Yeah. Like if you got on a coach, like he'll, my spot check a few people on the coach, but I don't think they do they. It's been a nightmare at Calais because of the EES. There's the new thing.

My passport never got checked when I went over to Belfast. Obviously, same country, but if I went through a proper airport at whatever, I think, I don't know.

Yeah, I'm not driving. Go on a coach? I'll go on a coach trip. Yeah. A coach full of nuns. A coach full of nuns. I'm going to Lewis. And Dan.

And me. Lads, lads. I might say if he checked your past footballer. Equality, if I got on it, it was like an away day coach. Everyone's all done's doing bumps. Just plug a load of cocaine. What the fucking Jesus?

You're taking it quite well, though, because then you're not going to all this model. What are we going to do? And it's 34 degrees. I want to come down to talking and get on me boat with me. Oh, that's... Yes, please. Yeah, man.

I haven't actually booked a guest car out for Monday or Tuesday or whenever it is. Yeah, well, I'm in, so don't worry about. I'm in. It's worked out. It's worked out. Could you not get loads like a series of trains? Yeah,

you could, yeah, but you have to use your passports for the Eurostar. Yeah, you probably do, yeah, I suppose.

Does you have to use your passport? Every time you pass a port? Possible. Loads of buses, Dan, from London, Victoria. How long is it?

Any nuns? It takes 45 hours. Oh, sweet. I'll be there for Sunday afternoon. And then you'd have to get back on the coast to come back. How long is you all, You just talk all of everyone else since I get in the coach of jad

and it'll be part of the holiday. The holiday is as long as the travel. It's worth it to hang out with nuns. I'm Rob Thomas. I'm Rob Thomas. He's not going. Rob Thomas will be in Liverpool the whole time, which is why I cancelled it.

Who is going? Freddie, Rob, Eishan, Jamie Hutchson, Elliot Steele, Kai Humphreys, not me, Binty and Lewis. There's nine of us.

Lewis from hot water. Yeah, it's going to be a great trip. They're going to do it in my honour. I organised it. I'm a fucking idiot. And it's going to be a weekend of not being on this trip. And I think I'll be sent at least 72,000 pictures. So is the hotel room going?

Oh, yeah. I'm like on Friday, me. Oh, please go, just to get the picture and come back again. Okay. Thank you for private yet. you'd be made up though, won't you? Because you get a weekend with the kids, ma'am. So nice.

The thing is, because last weekend I spent the weekend at home with the kids, so what you really want, when you've done that, is to just do it all again. Isn't that just being a dad? Yeah, it's just being a dad, yeah. Why don't you take the kids to Walton Towers or something? Oh, shoot me.

Be the kids to Portugal for the... Oh, no, no, no. Why don't you take the kids, like whitewater raft in a censor parks or something? Jack lost all his passport? Yeah. Because he can go. If this doesn't happen

and I can't go down to the passport office and sort it out, I don't want to see my wife or kids the whole weekend. Have you told them? Yeah, yeah. Oh, Dan, you're a three pass. Just gone. You could have done anything in there.

Oh, I could have just got, dropped me off at Manchester Airport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll just... I mean, not that, but you could have just got yourself, you could have gone anywhere in this country. In this country.

Within the... You could have just... You could have just... You could have just... On my own. Or not fair at your land. Both. I've got four days.

Come back with a sideboard. The Day of Alton Towers on my own sound sick. You should do that. And if she finds out, I wasn't here anyway, sure. Me and her went to Disney World last year, Disneyland Parasori last year

on our own. And it was fucking boss. Went the year before with the kids. It was shit. Just well better. Yeah, well better. Just me and her. Well better.

Life is. So much better. All the rides. Yeah. All the rides, fast pass and all that. Nice. Sick. So good.

one's shit in the undies. Yeah, no, I'm moaning, I'm hungry or... Less you without them. How many steps is your feet, it? Fuck off. That is me, though. Is it? If it's hot, I don't work, man, I just turn off.

Carl and the mobility's cute. I love that. I'd love that. I'd be so happy. What are you actually going to do with your weekend? Are you going to say to Laura, listen, I'm doing fuck all. Out the way. Man, Ality.

Why? You just get loads of drugs and sit in the garden. She leads me a laugh. Just with some face tines, everyone. Oh, Dad, get a little Portugal flack. It's probably hot here than it is there so you have a little... Just stay in the garden office doing cocaine.

Yeah. Come on, love. This is my weekend. Be looking forward to this. Yeah. Is the weather better here this weekend? It's warmer air than there. They're idiots.

It's raining there tomorrow. Fucking pricks. Good luck. Why don't you take yourself like to a city you haven't been for a while? Have a little city break on your own? Nottingham or something.

Nottingham. Deffield's good. Sheffield. Sheffield for the weekend. What's that? You could do a day in Sheffield Day in Nottingham, they're quite close. Go to Leicester as well. Visit to King Power.

The East, Midlands, South Yorkshire. On my own. Lending me camp at that. Go and do the stadium. Go and do the King Power Stadium. You see the Premier League? King Power Stadium. Did they have a place where the helicopter crash?

Oh, pay your respects. The Japanese fellow who died in the helicopter. He was Thai. Okay, that's fair enough. Yep, so that's me, isn't it? So what am I doing? Chessington World of Adventure. Oak Furniture.

Nottingham. Nottingham, Lester, Sheffield. Yeah. King Power Tour when you were in Leicester. King Power Tour. What else? What do you want for the weekend? It's me, isn't it? Say goodbye to the... Pay my respects to the Japanese fellow that died that was definitely not from Japan. Sounds like a great comeback with it. You go to Box Park near Wembley and watch the Big England game on Saturday night. Oof, my England, mate. Three lines on a shirt.

Sounds like anybody you. Oh, Dad, you'd have a lovely weekend. It'll be a great weekend. This is by you credit with Laura. is that you're like weekend now gone because it's your fault. Who washloster? Who stole it? Who stole it? Some fucking thief that then put it in my washing machine.

But was that you or the thief? No, that was the thief. That was the thief. Does Laura do the washing? But Laura wasn't the thief. Was it you? Yeah. But then he got stolen.

Why did the thief put his passport? Because the thief's a fucking idiot. Why have you been using your passport recently? Because the thief was. going to check me in online. Oh, money barred now. How come me, I don't know.

King Power Stadium's class. 2016. You could have got at least the worst case scenario. If you hadn't I told her, you could have gone, listen, I fought it through. Don't really want to do this. I'd rather spend it with you and the kids.

If you're going to have to do that anyway. And then she'd have to be like, you're a sick guy, you're buying credit there. Do you know what, babe? I've decided this trip that I've organised with the boys and talked about fucking so many times. It's going to be shit. Yeah.

You're who I really want to be with. So I've washed be passport, lost me passport. You know what you should do? So you have already told her. She found the stolen passport. Right, so now, now, now what? You saw it being stolen on CCTV.

Now, what you say is, you go, do you know what? They've said they're going to sort of me on box. it'll be waiting at the airport for me, right? Yeah. And then on tomorrow, when are you meant to be going? Midday tomorrow. Leaving at midday or the flights at midday?

We've got to be at the airport for midday. So you'd be leaving at 11. 11.30, yeah. Right. So I think at 11.30, go and do like a lap of the block, right? Then sneak back into the house and just go and get naked in air room. Just lean against the wall. And then at one point

Some rose petals She'll walk in She went Fucking hell And you're like Portugal And you'd be like Do you know what

Even though I got my passport The other day When you found The wash Lost stolen one Yeah I was just thinking About how much

I'd rather stay here And knob you Get on this Get on this That's how she loves it She loves that This is gonna be great She'll probably

Just fuck me All weekend Won't she? Yeah Yeah What a weekend That's great. Do I take her of the King Power?

That's not a euphemism. You can get to the share. They're in League One, I'll be they're cheap. Nice. I'm going to kill myself. I know it's funny as well. This is definitely funny.

I know you're all, you're all looking at them, but I can feel genuine, like, misery. I would, like, I would not be. I would be doing this podcast. I'd be at the passport office now.

Have you screamed into a pillow yet or anything? I don't know why you haven't just gone to pass. I'd just host to him. and then no one will sit here. Genuinely, this is more important than my own stupidity. You can go and, like, throw your muscle around now in the office.

Yeah. You can go and just be a bit like... Or just beg and cry. Just go in and go, that's more my style. Listen, he's fucking lad! Please! I need this!

Never give anyone the upper hand on you. You do not want to beg because then they're like, he knows I don't have to give him it. You have to act like, you owe me my passport. Right, yeah, yeah. Just walk in.

Where's Susan! Chances are. She'll know. Go in and start singing a jingle and whoever finishes it, go to go lab box in your passport there. Yeah, but do like one that you know that everyone finishes and kind of, Who's that knocking on the door?

I'm going to have a word jingle. I don't even know. Who's that knocking on the door? Postman. Who's that ringing the bed? Someone's off here at the door. See, I got to know the jingle. Let's do other jingles.

Just walk in and go, auto glass repair. Auto glass repair. And then you go, bam, you're agreeable. I tell you what I want, what I really, really want. Autoglyphs. That's just me every time. Yeah, Finn loves that, though. Let's just hope someone like Finn's working.

Dan, it's probably a nice person. Do you know what? I'll stay behind and do just for you from the government. You might get a pod fan there, might. That's what I'm saying, yeah. You might do. Get a T-shirt printed. It says,

I'm packing heat with a picture of a gun. That's what I. And then just keep like just going, really help me if you could just... It's off, in it? Sort me a passport out. It's odd. So wait a couple of hours, Dan.

Go and get the T-shirt printed. That'll take an hour. Yeah. Then the passport office will be shut, then go in the morning. Yeah. You've got a threatening with... And if they go,

if they call the police and be like, he's threatening us with dads, be like, I'm only messing. I've also, like, my dad used to have one saying world's best dad. And I reckon he's like,

you know, maybe top half. Mine didn't. Or look on Facebook like passport printers, but you don't, like a fake one, yeah? Yeah. How badly stolen was it?

It's quite badly stolen. 30 degree wash. I think... 40 degree stolen. I think I can answer this for them. I think it was, it was stolen, but sort of still

within sight of the police. But once you've reported it's stolen, it now doesn't work anymore. Yeah, yeah. But it was too badly stolen are still used. Yeah, rinse and drained. How's your life, Paul?

Better than Dan. At this point. You have got a big talk on up. Next week we go. You don't really take breaks, do you? I've had six months off. Have you? Yeah?

Really, yeah? It doesn't feel to me that you have. Like, I just, because I see so much of it at all. It looks like you're always just doing a thousand shows. I have done, I've done like six work and progress shows. and I've done like four charity shows. I did Comedy of the Castle for Freddy last Sunday. You did a primary school in Litherland with me.

The primary school, Litherland. What's it called? Litherland. Litherland. That was actually quite nice to be fair. I did the first one of them and I think it was my favourite gig in the last two years. The absurdity of where it was made it funnier. Well, fucking, because it was because he'd done yours.

Rob just decided not to MC, the second one, because, like, he was still emceeing, but he was like, well, they've already aired all my jokes. So I'm just going to literally tell them what's happening. So aren't you just emcee, Rob? So I hadn't seen the opening of the first one because you were opening, I was closing the first show, and then opening the second show,

and you were going to hot water right, yeah. Yeah. So I, that first one went dead well. And then the second, it's still nice. But Rob just gets on, and there's no one in the front row, except for his mum and his sister. And he goes, what are he was doing?

And he were like sitting here and he went, no. He just starts up and he moved him from the front, bro. He admits, but he's like, nah, he's taking the piss down, right? And his mum and that together off and fuck off to the back.

And everyone starts booing Rob. And he was like, well, fucking, they shouldn't be sad here. Anyway, poor smith. What the fuck. I'm going, fuck, right, is this an entire, so six months taught at all,

but an entirely new stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a lot. not a break. It isn't. As long as fucking break I hate it

me, I don't like it it's too long Yeah, but surely in that break you're also working towards the tour Nah, not at all

you're just taking six months off you're not working Yeah, you think about yeah, I only fucking really work

when I'm on stage Yeah I know what he means life Yeah, yeah, I know what I mean. So like

I have ideas and then I get on stage and I'll talk and then it works and then I'll Do you know Carl's got his first gig book then?

Fuck off have you? I win? We can't say yeah, but soon. September. Yeah. I see. It's not on sale.

It's in the field. It's in Lippo. Is he? We're doing, we're doing like a comedy store style where we host a half each and he's doing, he's doing a 30 minutes.

30 minutes. Apparently. That 30 minutes might get condensed down to five minutes though depending on how well. Nah, I reckon you'd be all right with 30 minutes,

you know? He works better on stage. I reckon you would. He's probably going to do 10. I think five minutes is harder than, maybe not finished, but 20, when you knew. No, I know what you mean. But like 10 to 15, I reckon to sweet spot.

You don't want five. I'm just going to get on stage. He can do what, I mean, if he does half an hour, we're not going to fucking light him. I'm going on stage and see what happens. Yeah, yeah. I don't think he'll be fuming

if you're dead good, you know. Oh, well, I'd love him to be that good. I reckon you be. About time. If he was like immediately better than you. Like, just dead good though. Like Bill Bear level. I hope I am.

Like absolutely smashing it. I think he could be though. I think he could be as well. I've said it for a long time. I hope I am. I'd love him to get the bug. I don't think he's going to. I think he's going to be too cool for it.

He's going to do it once, do well and go. He's not needy enough, I don't think. That's what my explanation is, but I am. Ah yeah. But I just get it in other ways. I get it through this, don't I?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty different in like the room, the instant. I don't know if you've seen stars, we done stars in the eyes last week, when the energy out back from the crowd, just me, not the boys.

I was like, wow, that was pretty special. It is good, like, yeah. And it's so different when you've written the stuff. Like, you didn't write. I guess that's why they call it the blues. Elton John wrote that. And Elton John is not writing your stand up. So it will be another level.

You don't know that. That's a stand-up about being an old gay singer. Have you got any sort of, any advice for him, like getting on stage for that first thing? Do you have any memory of that? Because for a while as well, you were doing comedy courses before like things kicked off properly.

Yeah. You were like coaching people who were getting into it. Yeah. What were you saying to him, but to them that he can take? Um, I, it's not, it's not on you can. I'm also starting in a much different place.

It's a vocational thing in it. So like I have taught comedy courses and I'm taking money off people for that. And the reason I stopped it was because it's a fucking blag. Sorry, Rob. I know you still teach them. Um, I did start on a comedy course.

There's a value in them in that it gives you a safe space to start and someone is going, ah, nah, that is good and reassuring you that it's good. But it's a vocational thing. But I've also got a crowd of people who already love me. That's what the best thing you can do, I think is just get up and try and be comfortable. Just settle in, just don't rush because it's going to feel.

But you've been on stage of us, so I don't think you're not on my own stage at arenas. Yeah, so I mean. So like, I think I'll be comfortable. But you felt like what silence in front of people feels like, and you felt like what an energy feels like. Yeah, but I've also. You're not going to panic is what I can also lean on these though.

Yeah, a light aren't going to affect. It's always silly things that get you in your first start. Like, like, fucking the brightness of the light. Like, I'm just going to feel a feeling there anyway. Yeah. On my comedy course, which is three months before I started a gig, to remember Anvil Springsteen used to do Baby Blune. Like, he lived in Newcastle.

It was dead sound. So we're all dead keen, all want to try comedy. Few people have done a few gigs, but it's brand new. It was called Absolute Big Grinners. And it was paid for by the hyena. And he made every one of us pretend we'd just been introduced, come from behind the curtain, walk out, take the mic out of the mic stand,

put it to the side and stand there without doing any of you set. And he was like, now pretend you're finished and put it back in. And we were like, so basic. But that is probably the only teachable thing you can do in the moment. That's the words thing that can happen. Because the rest is, are you funny? Have you written any good stuff? Are you going to be used to being on stage?

You can't ever teach anyone that or do it in a course. So he was like, I'll tell you what you can, just get used to walking out, which is weird and taking a mic out and knowing how to stand with it. That was 40 minutes of the hour and a half that we were there. And it was the only useful thing we did. The rest of it was just basically hanging out with people that were keen that were just wanted to compare interest. It does give you a little bit more confidence when someone like when you've got a professional comedian going, no, no, that's good. That's all right. That's all right.

But it doesn't make your stuff better. No. Do you ever get nervous ever, ever, ever anymore? because you're doing the biggest rooms possible, aren't you know? Do you ever get like a tinge of nerves? No. Is it gone? I think, no, I don't think so.

Do you think you'll ever... Only when it looks like it's going to be fucking horrid. Like if it's fucking, like an outdoor gig or something, you're like, oh, it might be shit. Or then might not be able to hear me or something, and I'm going to look like a knobbed. Do you think you'll ever try and push through the arenas because you're selling so many tickets?

Do you think you'll ever try and do a stadium? No. Just for the... Honestly, I think I'm going to start reeling it back in. surely you could do wrong field. I don't want to. But you could. You could.

Do you not want to do it just to say you've done it? No. I just think it'll be, I don't think it'll be good. I don't think the arenas are as good as theatres. I think like a 2,000 seats and 3,000 seats. Like,

I'm getting good at doing arenas now. And I've always thought like, okay, I'll get used to this. And I have got used to it now. And I think my show, I style my shows to be for bigger rooms now. And I've played every arena in a country pretty much.

And I'm, good of playing them now, but I understand that I filmed me special last year in the Olympia in Dublin, 1200 seats because I didn't want to do it in an arena because it's just not as good. It's never as good on film, ever. I don't think it's as good experience for the people in the way. It's not. So I'd rather, I've noticed, I've loved playing them when I've done it. Yeah, yeah. It's incredible for you. The, the, the, the rush of it is crazy. Yeah, but I think over time, you're going to end up losing 40% of the people who come. because they're not going to have the best experience.

But you are going to have to do five times as many shows, but it's worth it. I quite like doing shows, so it's not really, like, doing five city halls in Newcastle's not going to be, like, the worst thing in the world compared to doing one utility in Newcastle.

Yeah. Like, I mean, there's some arenas that are like the hydro in Glasgow is fucking incredible. The three Olympian and doubles is incredible because they're like big amphithe theater. It's like the Leeds one. Leeds one first direct.

So it's like playing one corner stand of a, Footmore ground, basically. Belfast SSE, when they do that four and a half thousand setup, where they push it halfway, is incredible. So that's an amazing room. Is that where we saw Stapleton, the 3-1? We saw Chris Stapleton at the three-rooms.

That's such a mad room. That room is amazing. It's basically the same room as Leeds. Leeds has got the boxes in the middle. Yeah, I see in the Kingsley on there. Yeah, that was a famous boss. Sort of feels like an indoor. Red Rocks?

Yeah, it was... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there any venues left on your bucket list that you haven't done? Is there any way you're like, I want to do that? I'm doing the US next year in Canada, going back to Australia and I want to do Europe.

I want to do that. That's more of a goal for me now. New places. Yeah, because I don't think... There's only the co-op I haven't done here. And I quite like the AEO, so... Yeah. Is there any American venues that are just...

No, I'm just looking at small ones now. I would like to do the mothership. You could fly over. Oh, yeah, yeah, I think I'll be able to do that. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, what are the size venues? Do you mean you want to do your show at the mothership

or you want to go and do a set? No, I'd like to do my show at the mothership, I think. Yeah. Do you do that? Yeah. Well, the way, the way they tend to do it is they'll have, like on a weekend. Their weekend shows are someone doing their tour show.

Oh, okay. And they have the support act that goes. with that comic and then they have a local spot that they're allowed to book, I think. I think that's pretty much how all the big American clubs work. It's local opener, feature act, which is your support act, and then the headliner with no interval. Would you do like Asia? Yeah.

Because one of my students, when I was in Japan, was a Paul Smith fan. Yeah. Which was six, seven years ago. I got recognized loads in Thailand and stuff like that. I don't know. I'd like, yeah. That'd be amazing, wouldn't you? Sloss was joking going, fucking don't.

Because Sloss does gigs every. He's like, just sells massive theatres in India and stuff. And I'm like, how do you do that? His career is mad, isn't it, though? How he can play Belarus, India, anywhere. He's like selling 4,000 tickets in Lithuania. I think, I believe someone told me what he did years ago was he got his,

his first DVD or special or stand-up or whatever it was, like a thing. And I think someone said they put it on like a pirate website on purpose. Oh, really? And then spread it to like Reddit and stuff in all these countries. And it was like, this guy, like, this is meant to be this much money and you can have a free. And because piracies, like people find that cool to be like finding it that way and whatever. And it, that's what stars them are. And then on top of that, went out and did all the shows

and built a live audience from 100 people up to thousands. It's also two Netflix specials as well, in it? Yeah. And the one with the breakups was a Chicksaw. Like that was really massive for them. Yeah. Yeah. But the initial thing, I think, was a bit of sort of really clever

black market marketing. I like his, the way he, like, he spans a tour over like two and a half years and just has legs of us thought. Yeah. I think that's quite cool to me. Yeah. Although I'm at the point You do get, I'm at the point

I'm at the best point now where I've just This show is not quite It's just about done But it's not locked in you It's still like a bit fluid So I'm not sick of saying it That's the best bit of thing Yeah I think you're more similar to me

And that after two and half years You'd want to fucking blow your head off Of doing the same stuff But then I always end up with two like shows You can bitch you can switch in and out Yeah totally But I don't think Sloss does that I think Sloss has the show

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Break time? Break time. And we're back for the last section of this. Paul, is your tour already on sale? Episode. Yes, been on sale for a while. Where do we get tickets for that, Paul?

You can get tickets from Ticketmaster, hotwatercomedy.com. The UK. Yeah, they're the main two. Don't buy them from resellers because they're probably free. We've had a lot of problem with that. I've been offered Paul Smith tickets before from a reseller. It's hilarious, yeah. Fucking mad.

I had a talk getting in touch with me and ask me, would I, I sell him loan to my tickets so that he could sell them on. And I was like, I was like, why would I do that? And he was like, make it worth you while. I was like, where's the profit in this for you, brother? Yeah, he's got to buy your tickets for more than you make off your tickets. Yeah, I was like, I'd rather support it.

And he was like, yeah, but if you give them to me, like I can, you know, you can sort out on the profit. I was like, but why wouldn't I just charge more for me tickets if that was possible? And he's like, well, you know. Because you're one of the biggest sellers in the UK, if not the biggest, aren't you? Am I right there? Yeah. It's you and some of esteemed.

How many tickets is this upcoming tour if every single show sold out, you know? I know. New boat numbers, that's what we're. I know. They, yeah. Um, I think on the first day there was 600,000. Yeah. Get fuck all.

I just get my calculator out. That's quite good. Yeah, yeah. Pretty good. I think so. I think you should give that boat away. Jesus, that's unbelievable I mean, I don't think they've all sold you

but he will It's doing a item How many tickets do you think you've sold cumulative Have you in your last Since you started doing like the big ones Must be over I know we did nearly three-quarters of a million Last on the last tour

So you must be pushing two millions worth of tickets Tickets sounds probably Yeah That's fucking bananas Yeah That's amazing Yeah, much be yeah But you only get like eight pence a ticket

Don't you yourself? Yeah, I don't get paid. I just got given a boat. It's when you sold three million tickets. Every time I ask for money, they go, do you want a boat? I'm like, oh, okay. Let's do some advice.

Let's do some advice. I'm out of here. I'll help. I'll solve your problems. I'll tell you. You won't solve my fucking problems. Chrissy says, lads, I need some help here.

My daughter turns 18 in a few months and is obsessed with tattoos. She's saved money for when she turns 18 and can get her first ones. She's designed them and decided where she's getting them and it's a lot. One of them is a neck tattoo. I have a few tattoos and I'm not dead against them or anything.

I just want to make sure she doesn't plaster herself with large tats that she'll regret by the time she's 25. What would you do in my situation? Do you regret any of your tattoos? Yeah. Do you? No, no, actually. Nah.

This one may be. Why? I don't know. let's have a look at that again show like a spiritual one I get the nipple one I'm getting like sort of Egyptian

alien vibes from that yeah it's all DMT fucking magic mushroom shit that's the mother is that the mother there all right yeah that was some shit I see you know

I was fucking still believing all that shite the empty stuff yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I haven't done it for a while

I haven't done it for a while I'm what's the point you're not doing it is there like there's an extent or you're just seeing this? No, I'm scared

because you can get locked out, can you? So I'm scared to do it again. You can get locked out. People could do it so much that they go in and then there's like aliens

or whatever going, nah, you're not coming in and then you're sitting back. No, it scares me, right? The last time I done it,

I got told off by these fucking, I was, I was in a place and my mates wanted to do it and they were like, you do it first. And I had this vape and I did he.

And I was having such a good time. I was on this carousel with these like, fucking big beans and we were having a party and I was like, this is sick. And I started coming out to it. I was like, I'm not ready to leave you.

This is a good party. So I started hitting the vape again. And then this big fucking like, praying mantis thing was just like, and I was apparently on a seat like that going, sorry, I'm sorry, just apologising to this thing. And I come out of it. I kind of half, like it didn't,

I wasn't scared. It just felt like you were being told off by your mum and you were a toddler or something. And then now there's like a study in Oxford University and they were asking for people who've seen these praying mantis things. So there's a praying mantis bouncer on your experience. I don't know if it's a bouncer,

but a lot of people have had experiences with these praying mantis type entities. Yeah. And they're looking for people to take part in this, like, massive study, you know. So does that make you believe in other things then?

Does that unlock more spiritual things? Because if this is the thing, if you're sharing something with other minds around the world, surely that must be, yeah, either that or at all at all just a simulation and you're all just part of my imagination. or I'm a part of your imagination.

I don't know. Try not to think about that too much. I'm interested in the locked out thing. So hang on. The general thing with DMT is it's the thing your brain releases when you die and you can have a bit early

if you know the right guy before you die. But you go off and you're like, whoa, I'm on a carousel and I'm bungee jumping off planet and all that shit. And there's praying mantises and yoghits

and everyone's having a good time. Little machine elves, yeah. Yeah, right? But you can do it and then you get there and there's people going, you're not coming on the carousel today.

The bungee's closed. It doesn't matter how much they do. You just don't get nothing. What the fuck, mate? They're still seeing something? You just get to, and then Sutton just goes, no. It happened to my brother.

Al Liam done it. He just, he did, he ate loads of it. And then you got this big guy open the door, looked at him and went, no, and shut the door. And he just came stuff out. Literally 25 seconds.

And he was completely, fucking sober. That's so scarty, mate. That's so scarty. I didn't know? I'd be like, what you mean? Yeah. He was just like,

it's not, you're not ready to come in. Do you ever get, was he wearing, was he wearing Hugo Wals? Yeah, yeah. Is it because he's never done it before? He's never done it before and he got locked out.

Never done it before, yeah. But it's just some people like, like, it's just, it's supposed to show you something that when you're ready. It's supposed to answer questions in it. So you haven't got any questions. If your life's all right, then you haven't got any trauma to solve.

It's supposed to like fix trauma and then it can't make it worse though can't it can't make it worse yeah that's what I mean so I think to just go if you're doing it too much like if you start using it as like a recreational drug then people

I think the entities go you're gonna fuck yourself up here so it's the fact people see the same thing and they can have conversations and then they come out of it and they go this person said they said hello and they're like what nah mate what's on a boat

yeah well that's I've you done it no I'm terrified of it no because I did acid and it didn't It ruined my life for a while, so I just don't want to risk it. Yeah, that's not the same vibe. Have you done mushrooms? Mushrooms.

People are like some mushrooms. Yeah. Yeah, you'd be fine. All right. I'll get me the vape. I'm ready. I don't know. It's mad.

What would you do do it? One thing, promise me, if you do it, don't try and make it into a fucking Patreon special because it will fuck you up bad. Yeah, because you'll think it's funny and you'll have cameras on you. And if those are pointed out you while you're doing it, it will warp everything about your fucking, In herself, it'll just, it'll fuck you up bad.

Amsterdam 3's looking high risk, I tried to film myself doing mushrooms, and it's the only time I've ever had a bad time. Well, we filmed ourselves doing mushrooms already. I had a lot of mushrooms, though. Yeah. What? We did mushrooms.

Yeah, I was potted. It was on the sangria. Carl, I'd say you doing a DMT vape would be a bit of a jump up the gears. Yeah. Yeah. That's a bit... You know what?

I'd like to watch a video of you doing it and I can see what you see. Yeah, but you can because they don't let you film it. Obviously, but I'd like to see... I'd like if someone recreat... There's loads on YouTube.

Yeah, loads on YouTube. There's a VR app called Trippin and it's quite good. And it's similar to what you experience. I mean, it's the closest I've seen to... Yeah, but it'll be like watching a video of someone else going down

on a waterslide, one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I want to see what I'm getting... I want to know what I'm getting myself into is it's praying mantis just trying to volley me head in and fellas closing doors that.

I don't have them in. It's, but it, you can't, you can't understand. It's, it sounds like it's like this level of reality.

It's not, it's like here in your brain and you know, it's, it's hard to explain. What can you see? Can you see just the regular room? You can see it.

But it's just like a different sphere of reality. Like a dream. Like a dream visual. No, it's not even like a dream. It's not, it's completely different

to anything that you have experienced. Okay. That's mental. And it's nice and you like it. And you feel like you've seen it before. Well, listen, Carl,

free weekend. So. Yeah. Well, you're, pardon on Monday now or Tuesday, you can do it

and then Jack and Laura to be awful. A load of a machine. Is anyone you can, you can,

you can, Paul can be our shaman. I've done that for a few people there. Oh, have you,

have you leveled up? Well, just good people wanted to do it. And I'm quite a chill guy. I'm like a trip sitter. Yeah,

I've tripsett. Yeah, I've tripped up. And what's they expect if you're just like not to like punch them yeah,

yeah, I just, I won't fuck with you while you're doing it. Like, some people have to be. Yeah, because I have to trust me. You can't. You can't. You can't. He tried sending me in Dan,

under than we were on mushrooms. Oh, I've had much, me? Yes, you did? Well, when I was in that crazy golf place, as I was about to hit a shot you and did you think your mom and dad are proud of you?

And on mushrooms. That's not, that's not the vibe. You did do a lot of now. We were doing that your, your walls, not four foot, I think, remember?

Oh, yeah. I forgot about the chocolate dinosaur one. I thought you meant, like, Amsterdam one. No, they want them what she is. I kind of want, like, are you terrified as me?

I would never do it, but I'm really interested to see what about. It's mad that you can share an experience at someone. That's mental to me. I'd be worried that I'd get it there and there'd be a door and it'd be a praying mantas going,

have you got your passport? And then they close it and I'd go home. I'll come into Portugal. This is a bit of a nightmare for parents. if you've got a kid who's doing the right thing and wait until they're 18 before they get tattoos. I think she sounds like she's got a...

I don't let her do it. You can't stop her really. But you can be like, babe, just maybe... Not the neck one. Yeah. Saying that my stepdaughter got one on her neck first one because a mate died.

This is quite sad. But a mate died. I don't know what the link was I should really find herself. But a mate died and they all got like playboy bunnies put on the neck, right? But it's a shit tattoo

and it just looks like a fucking flaccid dick. So she'd come home and she was like, and we were like, why have you got a dick on your neck? And then she got dead upset with us. Like, this is for my friend who's died and that. I'm a really bitch.

I know, yeah. She's come to terms of the fact it looks like a flaccid dick now, to be fair. She's not got to cover it. Nah. What a Johnny on it.

She's a hard now. She's just got to build up. You can't go neck first. I don't think. No. I think next, that's a pro. You haven't got any neck ones? I think I'm first in it.

How old were you when you got your first tattoo? I was like, Dean Coughlin done my first one. And that's, my only one? Like mid-30s, I was. It's a bit different in it? Yeah, midlife crisis.

You don't, but you don't regret them because, you know, they're there forever, aren't he? Yeah. But it's more likely at 18 you're going to get something that you regret at 35. Like 35.

You can't get them lasered off, so. Don't get like a dated reference. Don't get like six seven. Get something timeless. Don't get seven, seven either because that's going to remind people of the terror attack. That is timeless though, isn't it? Never forget.

Just get 9-11-7 on your neck. 9-11, 7-7 and a flaccid dick. Let people work it out. Finn's got, I hate Oasis on his ass. He doesn't, he loves them. Why? We lost it. Me, Dan and Harry, lost the challenge. Ah, okay.

And instead of speaking to, the people in the street, that is it. You got a tattoo on his house? Well, no, it was like an impractical jokers thing. They just send, I can't, it sends me, Scottie. I can't do it. So I'd rather the tattoo. We got a permanent tattoo on his house.

I did it. And then those then, I got like 40 forks to do his head in. And put them on the table. And then the fella came and I went, excuse me, where are you forks? And he went, and Finn, like, nearly killed himself. And that's just for the love of the game.

You don't have a camera on? They were my stag when you fucking, this cut made me fucking go and have an argument. at the bar. You were so pissed off about that. I was fucking furious. I hated it so much. Full on.

I had to go to the bar. And argue with himself over who was buying the round. But not like it's your round. It was like personal pride. Like it's my round. And then he had to like go, it's my round. And then go, no, it isn't.

It's my round. Give me a comp at the table. Yeah. And make me cop. But like, we must have covered this on an episode. And no one had the fucking clue it was. And I had no. one spoke, not that I speak the best

English anyway, so no one spoke, no one spoke, no one spoke in my English. It was fucking awful. There was something brought up on the episode the other day about Shutter Island and you. We've definitely spoke about this with him. When you watch Shutter Island, you took the DVD out and put it on the landing because you were scared of it.

I get it though, because I'm I turn back on. Basically, oh, by the way, we should mention this. If you're not a Patreon, patreon.com slash have WordPod. We mentioned on this week's Patreon episode that I am getting back into the paranormal and it turns out

by the looks of being tagged on Instagram today, Tom Sleman, who was my favourite author as a kid because he was a guy who wrote a collection of short ghost stories. He did the Horned Liverpool series.

There's 38 copies, 38 editions. 38 copies. He's tagged me tonight. because he's, he's listened to her. So, like, he must be a listener

of the pod, Tom Sleman. And, yeah, I think, like, I'm gonna try and get him involved with Ghost on three. Yeah,

we should. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. No Slemon, no hunt. Have you, before, like,

things took off for you and you started being the guy who does DMT and stuff now, did you believe in, like, the paranormal and spiritual stuff then? No.

Do you believe in paranormal stuff now? Ghosts. Yeah? No. but how can you not when there's fucking prime monsters finger in your ass on carousels, isn't I? Well, I believe there's other things but I don't believe that you can die

and become a ghost because it doesn't really make logical sense to me. Right. I feel like from what I experienced, we all just re-enter or go back to be part of one thing. That was my take home from mushrooms and DMT. It'd be silly if you just stay fractured off as your consciousness

and are just stuck in a fucking room in an attic somewhere just knocking for the rest of the fucking eternity just going, oh, it just seems mean. I don't think the universe would do that. What if I've had Wanoo though? Yeah, but what would you want to? Why would anyone want to just open cupboards in there? They're poltergeists.

Yeah. So you think everyone's life forces swallowed back up into, yeah, back to the earth, isn't it? A pretty common theory. I think we're all here to solve a problem. It's like a fucking, like, like, imagine your God, right? Let's say this is all a game, right?

And imagine your God, right? And the only, if you're omniscient, you can do anything. The only thing you can't have is challenge. So you have to handicap yourself and fracture yourself off and make yourself worse and then put yourself in tough situations

in order to, anything to be interesting? That makes sense to me. Yeah. Right on, man. Right on. Do drugs, guys. Sick. Johnny says.

Wag, wag, Aaron, Diana, Christine, Fiona, and Helen Abonham Carter. Need a bit of advice. My fiancé told me about a guy that she had messaged and said that him and his partner look cute. So that's the message his fiancé sent. Seen someone on Instagram gone, you and your partner look cute. I then saw messages on her phone last night from him, the guy and the couple, saying, I want to come on your face. She replied, egging him on.

When I've confronted her about this, she has denied it, said it was from before we were together and deleted the messages. What shall I do here, Lids? Already had a marriage end because of infidelity. And that's from Johnny.

Sounds like it's a new problem, man. Egg in the morn. Go on then. That's what got me about it. Just the phrasing of egg and a man. Oh, you wait for. Come on. I dare you.

Yeah, I mean, you know It's just It's over, isn't it? Yeah! God's just fucking over! What are he talking about? Come on your phone. He's real.

Like, is that a fucking... Why the fuck is he in this, like, horrible situation thoughts? I'm going to message the lads. Because it's... Well, because maybe he hasn't got lads. Yeah.

So we are as lads. But what does he expect? Because now you're just laughing at him. No, we're not. We're not laughing at him. No, it's from... Jenny. Dirty little misses.

Oh, yeah. She loves come on her face. That's not it. Oh, she doesn't think the other fella can do it. You can't do that, your little pussy. Johnny, it's not looking good. I know you've been hurt before, but I'd suggest things are going wrong on this one as well.

Why doesn't he message the girl in the other relationship? Yeah. Out of nowhere, I go, I want to come on your face. She'll go, what you mean? Well. I thought she'd egg me on. Not good. Yeah, if Laura, if I'm, if I,

I'd never read Laura's messages, but if Laura had been egging someone on to come on her face. Yeah. It's a really serious chat. Yeah. It's over. Yeah. It's over.

But you've got to sit down and have a chat. Yeah, you got, there's some underlying problems. Yeah, there's underlying problems, babe. Is that real? It's not over. It's got to be nearly over. Who do you want to watch?

Is that why? No. What is it like, I think that might be weird. than they're getting well-eared. I think she could get drunk and get well-eared, and you go, do you know what I wasn't thinking? But consciously going out the way

to egg someone on to come on your face is the highest level of infidelity I've ever been in my life. It is mental. Yeah, but what if she's like, it's just a bit of banter. I'm not into it, me. If she, if she, if I'm at you, mom.

Yeah, if she's like, yeah, go on. I'm not into it. I'd be like, you're not into it, guys. I don't know, I think they'd be wiggle room. She's, you know, unless she's got, unless she's got the actual, come on her face, then there is, you know, you can... Oh, so you're like, that's the line. If she can talk

about her. Oh, Paul. Once another man has come on my wife's face, then yeah, that's where I draw the line. Is that flat? You know what's come, though? If she came home? Would you know what was come, what's this new... Oh, so she's still got a come on her face? He's gone. She's gone. She's not even watching. And she's the car on the driveway. It's looking, Harry Oster rang up her chin.

Is this a new facial treatment you're using? Yeah, well, she's like, Dan, it's just a new, Cards on the table, it is another man's come. Just add a snail facial. Would you know it was come instantly? I wouldn't accuse it of being come straight away. That would feel weird. What else is it going to be?

Well, if she was doing her makeup and I, like, facial, and I went, What makeup does that? Her facial hair use? No, children get us watched her facial 45 minutes every night. Yeah. I don't know what to do. Let me just be honest.

Getting the jizz off the food. Yeah, if I walked in and she, I wouldn't go, is that cum? I wouldn't. I think that says a lot about your relationship. If you open the car door, open the house and then go, Is that another man's come on your face? But when you ride?

I reckon there's already problems. I did a face mask off the night and I realised I was doing it wrong after about five minutes because my missus pointed out to me. What were you doing wrong? I sent you a picture of it, didn't I? The mouth didn't work?

I hadn't took the other side of it off so it wasn't moulding to me face so it was basically just like I had a flannel on my face basically. I honestly don't know, in that picture you don't have a mouth and it's bend on my head. It's weird.

It's like you've got a muzzle and then a chin and not him. It's weird. Yeah, it's because it wasn't molding to me face because it still had like the mesh on it. Nice though. I like a face mask.

Fresh afterwards, man. And then they're little under the eye little bean ones. Class. Women have got it for her made, man. Ever tried another man's come? Because I hear it does wonders. No.

I haven't tried my own come. That's the place to start in it. But what does it start as I say? I heard that people are putting snails on the faces. I heard about that to the day. I was watching Clarkson's farm. And you were like farming snails for her.

Really? Yeah. What's that doing? Like it's big in Essex. but you're just sitting, he just let a snail, just crawl along the face. It's good for your skin.

I honestly think that's a social experiment, to see if you can get fucking morons to get snails on their head. Someone's gone, and bet you can get people in Essex to put snails on the face, and they've got no chance. It's expensive as well.

And snails are free. Face cream out of it, no? Snails are free. I know, but is it a certain type of snail that gives out of the good... I think it's your snail. Oh, yeah, it's just any... What about a slug?

I reckon you get away with the slug, like, just stick... If you wanted to sets up shop and just stick a little shell on us Yeah. Say it's a snail. Yeah, I don't. There's no money maker for you. It's 200 quid. What?

Snails are free in the outside. What are you talking about? Apparently they've got peptides and hyaluronic acid in their trail. All about them. Oh, mate, I'm fucking loved them out while you're on. Any lads talk about it?

No, I've talked about it. I sort of... I've been loving love it, me. I did one... Jab, jab, jab. Yeah, it got a bit much. But it was fine, but you're not meant to do them constantly, are you?

I did G. KCU, BPC-157, TB 500. Oh, you just, oh, right, okay. Well, I, I, I've fucked it up as well because I thought, I'm going to be clean this year and I got off the drugs and that, and I got off the ale for a bit, stop drinking, and then I was like,

just going to add loads of peptide and start to jabbing loads of testing and that, go to the gym and that, and then now I was just drinking each shitters on, and I'm just jabbing retitutard to try and fight the burgers. Right. It's just, it's keeping me out of...

What's retetreuthers? It's basically, like a Zempech on steroids. It's great. It's just like a faster acting. It's just, it works out. It's a realty one, but it works on three levels. So it makes your insulin sensitive and stuff as well. Spares your muscle and stuff.

It's good for you. Is it good for you? It's good for you. Get it down. Are you on other stuff as well? I'm on fucking everything in my kitchen. My fridge is like, only because there's a couple of quite successful comedians

who won't name who looked very good. And I was like, why the fuck, you look so good? And you were like peptides. And I was like, and then he sent me a list of these things. And I was like, wow, so I thought I'll have a go. So I'm on, I'm on BPC 157, TB 500, GHK and KPV together. Motsi, NAD, Mabusi. Tessa Marellin, CJC, Ipermerellin.

What the fuck? This is the full menu from a peptide shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've just selected everything. You're not on NAD, you're not on NAD, you're not NMN. No, NAD, injectable. Oh, shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Test, loads of it. Bosch. And you've kept your hair as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Mifta. I'm not risking it. What happens if you come off here?

I don't know. You're not going to think about it. There's no exit plan. What's the reason for me to come off? Any side effects at all? It's all just good. Just fucking feeling great. Paul, can I ask impulsive boat purchases?

Can I ask how big you... Are you happy with your ball size? Balls are sad, yeah? Yeah, balls are so. Yeah? All right, good. Yeah, balls are, why are you going back? Yeah, I just slightly worried about shrinkage.

Nah, because you're not doing fucking... That only happens if you're doing like fucking 1,200 fucking milligams of tests, like a mad fucking bodybuilder. How many are you doing, then? 11. 11. Yeah, yeah. I'm not an idiot.

I don't go mad. How much are you doing, then? Honestly, so little compared to that. Yeah. put you on my guy, didn't they? Yeah. Put you on my gap. So every morning

you wake up and inject that much? Is that a day of the day? No, test once a week. Okay. Most of the peptides every day, but they're only a little into needles, so you just, like, look, you can put,

I've got those little bruises down earlier. Do I think people are going to think you'd a smack head? I'm the last. Okay, cool. I mean, it's not there, is he? And I'm too fat to be a smackard.

Which is why you need to do. This is the thing. I'm spending the last money. I'm not even in good shape. Mad. You're in better shape than you used to be that. Oh yeah, well, but like fucking world to part. Yeah.

So, I mean, test work for you, Dan. You look great. You look fucking fantastic. Thanks, man. I really like it. The best, the best phone call I ever made to you was to go, look, I'm thinking about doing this. And I just needed someone who I thought was sound to give me the nod. And it was a phone call to you that got me going on it.

And it's been amazing for me. Highly recommend it. That is a pod, ladies and gentlemen. I have to go to the passport office. Fuck my actual life. Go and see Paul Smith live on tour. Come and see me do Dan Nightingale and Friends. We're start in August.

Dan Nightingale.com for all the listings. Some are sold out now, but go and have a look at others. Adam, you're on tour. Adam Road.com. It's starting October. Carl's got a gig. Huh?

Carl's got a gig. Oh, you'll see that. Sharpish. That'll sell out as soon as it goes on sale. It's not like, it's in September and we're probably going to put it on sale. How many August? $600,000.

Fucking shit. I was not under the movie. Yeah, we've got a 700,000 city venue. I'm doing Rome. All of Rome. Orvoire. There's no music. That's a pod, everyone.

Because it was doing our heads in. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thanks for having me. Bye.