Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #388 with Michael Odewale - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: July 4, 2026

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream || https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_Finn's Music & Tickets: https://finnlayk.co.ukFinnlay K - Beautiful Morning: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/BeautfiulMorningAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's new EP: https://finnlayk.lnk.to/AllInYourMindThanks to this week's sponsors:NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Saily | https://saily.com/haveawordDownload SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Enjoy the episode. I thought you did that really well. Thank you. Really smart. Sucking up to the boss as well. Yeah, yeah. Enjoy the episode. It's going to be a belter.

Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only. Have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN. The very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed. Get on me.

Hello everyone We missed you yesterday Welcome bad We missed you Oh that's nice You know To see other people We consider

Other Daniels Yeah other people We consider you know Good enough For this shit To come and be in this But it's not the same When you're not here

Hey I feel Exactly the same Yeah You filed your passport No No I got a new one Oh yeah

I thought he was the line No it's No We can't do that It was stolen I've been advised that it really was stolen.

Genuinely. So it was stopped. Who's got it? Who? But thank you to Cheshire Police for giving me that crime reference number.

And thank you to everyone at the passport office who are the nicest people ever. Oh, shit. Oh my God, I love the passport. When you've been the victim of crime, as I was, and I,

obviously you're a, obviously you're a covering from that. It's a shock, and it hurts. You feel violated. Did you have to tell them who stole it and when and how or? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't tell him who stole it. I didn't go. Because he doesn't know. Carl Regler's a pinchy gun. So what did you say?

That I was a victim of crime culture. Remember, we talked about this on the other episode. Well, I'm going to reassure you now on the pod. The time was a victim of crime. I'm saying that you have to outline. I don't want to get into details because I'm hurting. Yeah? I'm recovering for this. Do I need to speak to a police? therapist. Maybe, probably not. I'll pay for that for myself. Don't worry about it. I am reeling

from what definitely fucking happened. Let's move on. And you were a sketch artist? A sketch artist. True as passport. Yeah. Square. I don't think we need to fingerprint. But the main thing is, the passport office, wonderful fucking people. I went down and the guy was like, you know, when you got, I was so dejected on Wednesday afternoon last week. I was like, this is fucked. Everything online is like, you're not eligible for any sort of fast tracking. It's be a week and that's their fast track week. That's the only thing it looked like I was eligible for. I nearly didn't go down to the passport office because I was like, what's the point? It's just boned. And you were like, you should go and I went. And the guy on security,

who is just sort of the first point of contact, who looks like a bouncer is in a tie, but it looks like his job is to go, fuck off. He was like, don't worry about it. Happens all the time. Probably get you sorted. When you're flying tomorrow, we'll sort this out. So I went back, with everything that he needed. It took an hour and a half for me to get everything sorted and then got to him and he put me on compassionate priority

I think because I'd just been nice. I don't know what else I did really then the supervisor came out and was like, if you're here tomorrow morning first thing, we should have your new passport within an hour. And I was like, someone recognised me here because this is...

I told you to all this. I knew it a victim of crime down? Yeah, you said go down and be, incredibly friendly. Didn't you shout out? Confident, how you said? Confident, right. Where is it?

Well, I didn't walk in and go, Susan, I will bang you the fuck out if I don't have a passport in 20 minutes. I didn't mention threatening anyone. Right. I said go and be confident. Next morning, I go, I had to get up. Dick, Thursday was a nightmare.

Got up very early. I was the first one there. Got there all like, have just done my thing overnight. I filled everything in. I've got a friend who's a teacher to go, yeah, that's Dan Nightingale. Got in.

And I went, and I went, I went, oh, it's, you went, what time's your appointment, mate? And I went, oh, it's Dan. Go round. I went, okay. Then the guy who's doing the security, because you've got to put your bag through a scanner, he was like, all right, Dan, get you through there. I was like, okay.

Then the supervisor came out to meet me. He went, first counter. There's people sat down, got taken to the first counter. And he went, okay, just get everything sorted. This should be done within the hour. And then he went, I've got to say, last night, I watched your special from Newcastle in 2023. And I haven't laughed that much in years.

I was like, okay. I was like, thank you. That's good. So an hour later, had the passport. But you plug in your special the day before? I wasn't like, oh God, I need to get away because I'm still tired from 2023 to tour. I filmed it in Newcastle.

I don't know what had gone on overnight, whether someone had gone. I recognised that name. Or if they were just being dead sound, but not clocked. Did they ask you a job? No. No. Oh, really?

They have to Google you? He walked in and went, hello. I'm stand-up comedian. I'm being a victim of crime. Hello, I am co-host of Hammerwood and I am reeling. A shout out of the past was, oh, it was amazing.

So everything, got to the airport, Laura dropped me off, normal. I cannot believe, from three o'clock on Wednesday afternoon, the holiday was gone. And I was on the flight, and it was amazing. So I've got a new picture,

new updated, headshot. New updated. Oh, you look better. know. Yeah, and my dyed beard in black and white looks Arabian. So, yeah, I've got to keep... Arabian. Arabian. Arabian. It's just fucking Arab in it? Yeah, it's just fucking Arabian. It's not Arabian. It's just fucking Arab knight. No, to me, Arabians, like the 90s, how do you should say? Now it's Arab. Yeah, he's Arabian. He's an Arabian. Oh, so it's Saudi fucking Arabians, is it? No, Arabians, like a... It feels like an antiquated word to me. But actually... Archaic.

Yeah, you don't say Arabians from Saudi Arabia. You say Saudis. He's a fucking Saudi. Yeah, but in the name of the country, it's Saudi Arabia. Yeah, yeah, it's still a thing. I didn't say fucking Persian or something. Anyway, it looked weirdly dark on the passport.

You wouldn't have Lawrence of Arabia now, but Lawrence the Arab. Lawrence the fucking Arab. Anyway, it was a great trip. Didn't think I should have been on it. We didn't see any of it on Instagram from any, anyone that was there. No?

No. No. It was weird. like you just didn't go. I think Finn's spitting some sarcasm. Oh. Have you seen, my whole Instagram algorithm for the whole weekend.

All right. Well, you were invited. You chose not to go. That is true. Yeah, it was really good. Nice boy's trip. Really good. It was a little...

Boosy? I was a little anxious that it was going to be... You know when you've invited proper boozes, but there's, in a party of like 10 people, there was...

It was sort of choose your own adventure. So some people... But also, the only really... Eil bad boozer is Jamie H, isn't it? Yeah. Freddie likes a booze, though. Oh, we can't booze. Eishank and booze.

Eishank and booze. Kai is a boozer. Elliot's a boozer. That's true. But Freddie doesn't drink that much anymore. Rob Bull Holland's sober. Yeah. Binty just sits there drinking like tequila and tonic.

Binty's not drinking. Brandy likes brandy. Binty's not drinking at all at the moment. So it really was a bit of a... It went really well. Thursday was a long day, a bit shit. We got on the plane and just, by chance it was me, Jamie and Rob Moore Holland. Because, you know, when you go on to book his seats,

they were the last two seats available with the extra leg room. But because I'd left it so late, because I hadn't got the passport, I didn't have to pay money. But then Rob Mulholl Holland had booked just by chance the seat next to us, which looked like such a fuck you to Freddie, who was like five rows in front sat on his own. And just by beautiful chance, got the loudest, skankest bitches sat next to him for the whole three-hour flight. Oh my God. the noisiest motherfuckers. There was a stag doo in front of them and those four women from, I guess,

some part of West Yorkshire, brigas or something made more noise than the stag do. I have never heard a more feral group of women and then you could just see Freddy like sat next to them. One of them was fit as well. But every time she opened her mouth, fucking out. At one point, one of them sat next to Freddy.

One of them sat next to Freddy and went, Are you reading? And he went, yeah, a book? He went, yeah. Are you clever or something? Wow. That was the whole conversation. At the end of the flight, one of them was pissed and just sort of turn around to a lad that was,

you know when you're waiting to get off the plane? I went, yeah, go and shit out. And he was like, I'm clearly scared of this 37-year-old woman. He went, I don't know, yeah, I think we're going out. You're right, yeah, yeah, you got her in. No rest foot wicked. Pits, bits, and on the smash. Wow, she sounds game.

Did you meet up with her later on? Yeah, I smashed the fuck out. Did you get a flying magic bus? It was. It was a rough flight out. Then we got to... Where did you go again? Albaferra.

Portugal. Which has changed. I went there about 10, 11 years ago, and me and Lowe's went in September, and we went down to the old town a few times, and it was quiet. There's some booze in, there's some bars and restaurants,

but it's pretty quiet. And then the chat is with Albaferra. Old town's all right. Bit lively, but it's families and couples and whatnot. And then, The new town is where all the kids go and get smashed. Well, in the 11 years since then, that has changed because Thursday night was fucking bedlam.

It was so busy. There's so much more neon. And, you know, in 10 years, they've obviously gone, yeah, we just get more signs and screens up. Lean into it. They've really, and the kids were drinking there. Chee! So Thursday night was a bit off.

We picked a barbecue place, and I was like, I don't know about this gaff. The setting wasn't great. wing stop. There really wasn't wingstop. And there was only one, there was only one menu. And I was like, oh, should we go and just eat somewhere on the square?

Because this isn't a great place to eat. All on tables. If you have the palette of a five-year-old, you cannot get moving the restaurant wrong because you'll just get hammered for it all weekend. So we went down to the square, picked the worst restaurant. It was such a shit restaurant.

And also the square's blaring. And then we didn't know where to go for a drink. So after just going through hammered by, We just picked anywhere that I had eight seats and it was just too busy. And I think... I'm gutter than never went now, you know. I think the World Cup being on.

Did you watch it? There was loads of like groups of like Dutch lads and Swedish lads. And obviously the games are on at like midnight and two in the morning. It's just revved the whole thing up. And as I went to bed on Thursday, I was like, I'm not sure this has been the right pick

for the place to come to. And then everything that, from Friday morning, in onwards, everything worked out. Every restaurant we had in was great. We watched the England game at the right place. We just sort of worked out where we needed to be. The hotel was sound, the weather was glorious,

everyone was on good form. Because all the lads are from different bits of the country. It's not like us when we go away where we've seen each other three times the week before we go away. There was loads of like catching up. It was really, really good. Oh, you stayed with them? And I stayed with them. That's nice, you know?

Just didn't need the time off. I don't know why. Everything was great. It was a really, really good trip. And like I said, like on Saturday night, there was some serious boozing going on. But the two or three of us that weren't into it sort of ducked out early. It was a great, a great trip.

I really enjoyed it. And we went on a boat trip on Sunday as the, I don't know how that's become the thing to do on a trip. Because we did it, didn't we, in Terry? The last day, the last day something boaty. Yeah. It's really good. There was a Jamaican guy.

Yeah. There was a group of three black people at the back of the boat. Oh, it wasn't a private boat? No, it was a, we just went on a... There was probably like 40 people on the boat. It's quite nice. A Portuguese lady who claimed to be a marine biologist,

but I'd suggest that might be bullshit. And you go up the coast and you see some caves. Why do you think that's the bullshit? Because she basically told us not to put things in the toilet and then just went, that's a cave. That's a cave. Oh, and that's a cave. You're like...

Well, they're not cave. They were caves. She sounds right. Yeah. It just doesn't feel like a great use of your marine biology degree. And then you men are going to find dolphins. When we did, we found some dolphins. It sounds like she nailed it.

Yeah, she nailed it. That's a dolphin. I can't tell you how much joy it brings. I'm sure seeing dolphins, we've seen dolphins. Didn't we see dolphins? Yeah, it's way more fun when there's a Jamaican guy seeing dolphins for the first time. It just enhances the experience.

What? Lard. Lard. Where the bummer clad dolphin? Oh. Look at the dolphin. Natasha! The dolphin!

What's it doing out of the water? Oh, tremendous. Mate, dolphin watching is so much more fun if you were actually watching a Jamaican dude, dolphin watching. Yeah. Oh, I could just... And then at the other end of the boat,

Kai, to entertain everyone, is doing like... A similar accent? Yeah. He's sort of doing a cramling to the... spas, like, for I fucking hell, the dolphin can flay! And the two...

Is that a cocktail? The two duelling accents of Northumberland trying to be a Spanner and a Jamaican guy just wowed by everything. I fucking loved it.

It was a great trip, really enjoyed it, glad to be back. How are you? You feeling for that? I feel all right, yeah. Did you booze, or were you taking it easy?

I've done quite a few. Spritz talking about the tism in action. Yeah. Oh, you're just on the approlls? Yeah, and a few peanut collars. It's hard to see a peanut cladolid getting enjoyed and not joining. There's something about being on holiday. Fact. Yeah. Big fan of a peanut calada, me.

I've pretty sure I've got food poisoning, actually not on stroke. What did you eat? I think I got it from Nando's in London. So I was talking to the boys yesterday. I've not been well for a couple of days. I had to cancel hosting King Gong on Monday. because it just wasn't well.

You didn't go to MCR last night, did you? Didn't go to that either, no. Wow. I'm surprised you have Nando's in London. That's a me move in my head. So what happened was, I was doing a lot of steps, like a lot, a lot, a lot of steps.

And it was Sunday night, and I was trying to do at least 20,000 steps a day and only eating twice and keeping it to mainly proteins and stuff. And the hotel I was staying in right over the road, I was literally going through, like, my map of all the places I wanted to see in London. I'd already done, like, 26,000 steps in the day.

And I was like, right, I could go there. That's, you know, another two miles away. It could go there. That's a mile or not. And I was like, I just don't know whether I can be asked walking. And I was like, I'm just going to go and get a chicken butterfly with rice and peas. I'll be happy with it. It is what it is.

I'd done, like, me going to the places I wanted to go. And I was up in me head. I was also staying there for another night. So I booked a place called the quality chop house for Monday. Monday night, which is meant to be one of the best, like, uh, chop restaurants in London, like big ribbyes, big pork chops, lamb, whatever. Nice. So I'll just go to Nando's tonight.

And the chicken, I remember now eating it being like that, you know, it's just, it feels like it's on its last day. It's a bit firm. It just like, was a bit, a little bit grey, but I was like, it'll be fine. Then the day after when I was doing me writing day, I just wasn't well. And I assumed it was sunstroke because I felt like hot and cold and whatever. But yesterday and I went through and counted

I went to the bathroom for poop 17 times That's up from 15 And Every Every single one of them Was a full one

No It wasn't like the last of the last one Are we talking like You know A wet one Yeah Not 17 firm poos Do you know I honestly think

At that point On the 17th poo in a day You should honestly expect to have a month off from plopping. Like, that should be almost a couple of weeks. Yeah. I asked chat GPT.

I was like, is this sunstroke? Because I've had like diarrhea for two days and today's 17 goes and it was like no. And if you've actually been in the toilet 17 times, you should be in the hospital now. The hydration, isn't it?

I've been drinking a lot of water to keep on top of it like, but basically it was like you've either got like a stomach bug or food poisoning. You might have a bit of sunstroke as well with some of your other symptoms, but you've probably got this. So I feel awful right now. You seem like you're in good form, but you're fighting something. You're fighting it. I also need to go.

I don't need to go, but in 10 minutes when we pause, I'm going to go. At what point did you realise it was because you were convinced it was sunstroke all day in the studio? What amount of poos did you go? Actually, this is not. the 17s last one you had hope till the end up to 16

16 it was just a normal day just a normal day this is a weird one today 17 I think I stayed in the sun a bit too long yeah really not good

but like last night I was meant to me and Alex on a bit of a fitness journey now we're trying to get shredded both of us

you know we're pushing each other and so we were meant to go to gym last night but I was in no state. So we just had a little chill. I think you've pooed out, shreddedness.

So if you keep pooing like that. So yesterday morning I weighed myself and I was 83, 88.9 kilograms. I weighed myself this morning and I was 87.6. So I shit off a kilogram and a half yesterday. Just do that instead of going on the gym then. 17.

Fast, I don't know. Yeah, do I have to do 17. Do you like working out with Alex? Is it? How did you do as cup? The second we go in the gym, we split up. Yeah. Because you know what I mean?

I'm lifting more than her. You're also doing all this, aren'ty? Yeah. Oh, this is weird. She did Pilates this morning. Because we didn't go to the gym last night. She's becoming a Pilates. It was fun though.

When we went... Selika, Selika loves Pilates. I know, but it... Carl, when we went, it is kind of fun. It's fun, but it's kind of hard. It's kind of hard. It can't be hard, I want to do the one that the moms do. What's the one where they're attached to a thing?

Menopause. And they... It's menopause, yeah. That's what we do for a four of it? No, no, no. The one where it's... Like they're doing a parachute, but they're all attached to the ceiling, and then they just run one way and go, whee.

Is that those baby bounces? Base jumping. Yeah, base jumping. With a load of other menopausal women. What is it? Aerial Pilates. I want to do a bit of aerial Pilates. Reform it is tough.

Yeah, tough to the point where it's not as fun as bouncing around with a lot of 58-year-old women. I don't think about any Pilates as fun as bouncing around on 58-year-old women. I think that's fun. I think Dan Day 2's got Pilates. Whatever that was written all over it. Gone base jumping, yeah?

Would you do base jumping, Dan? See, I felt like he was testing Timu? Parachutes. Yeah. Oh, that doesn't. Oh, yeah. And then right at the last, it turns out he's got his own parachute.

Because the Timu one just was made out of rice cakes. Also, it looked like it was made for a four-year-old. It wasn't a big enough. Yeah. It's insane that they're allowed to sell parachutes. like sure that's got to be a regulated but it's also on the person for buying it off Timo yeah maybe don't buy your parachutes off Tammu

that would be I reckon that's on Parachutes.com you can get a little electric like powerboats like one person Timo yeah power I see them being tested that looks like fun can't be electric with Timmu surely because you're going to electrify all the fish like if that's your take it

yeah you kill everyone and you've got a free dinner that my fishing yeah that that base that man was a madcon. What is base jumping? It's just jumping off the side of a hill. Jumping off on a cliff.

Right. And like just before the end pulling your padishoot. No. I just feel like even attached to a professional out of a plane with how many thousand feet

did you, that already felt tense. How long does it take you like five minutes to get out of the plane? Like once you're out to the five minutes of the floor. So we were up at,

I'd love to know how many thousand feet. Was it like 8,000 feet or something? That's the number I've got in my head. It was like 8,000 miles. If it's 8,000 miles, the pilot's done something. Between 10 to 18,000 to 18,000 feet. I thought it was 18. Right. That's lower than the top of Kilimanjaro.

So you jump, how? Downs on Jupiter. He's jumping out. That is, that is not falling. He's floating into space. He's imploded. That's gone wrong, ma. That's lower than the top of Kilimanjaro, though.

Yeah, we walked above your sky. Oh, did you climb Kili? I don't know. There was a woman who was having a 60th birthday, who I think had just snorted. all her HRT for the week. She was like, I'm having such a good time.

I'm attached to a guy whose dick is on my... He's like cellotaped into my asshole. And then he goes, okay, we're going to jump and then just nudges you. It just bums you forward. So you sat with your ass

on the floor of this rickety fucking plane and then he just sort of bum shuffles you forward and you're like, he's like, you're ready. And it doesn't matter because he's going to bum you off anyway. And then you go. And then the speed

at which you, it's mental. Like you know that free falling is fast, but you go from being fucked in the arse on the floor of a plane to fall in so fucking fast. In seconds you're just gone. It's swatch your face, you can feel your forehead wrinkling,

and it's like 20 seconds of free falling, and then he pulls the cord. And then it's all the force of your weight on your crotch and under your arms, and you just spend 15, 20 minutes floating down, feeling like you're going to slip out. What's the bird that you don't want to do? 20 minutes.

Yeah, I'd rather do the fast bit. To like near the bottom and then. He's like, do you want to steer it? I was like, no, I don't want to be the reason we die. I'd rather blame you. Thank you. And then, annoyingly, the 60-year-old woman's like, ha-ha, what a time to be alive.

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. How can you still hear there? Where is she? Elated the whole time. And you're going to get to that point soon, though, when you get to an age, you know, you're never further along the age. But you're just happy to be.

be alive. No, we're just like, I want to do mad shit because of the one, I want to tick them before I die. Right. What's the, yeah, surely? What's the point where it doesn't matter? No, I'd say you're going to get to his 60s and go, right, I'm going to get a motorbike. Has your mom done that, though? She isn't a bare-knuckle boxing fact, everything, though? She does do that, she does

bear-knuckle fox, yeah, foxing. Bear-knuckle fox hunting. She's made it fair, do you know what I mean? Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! There's just a scouse woman going, I'm going, I'm a fucking bang a fox out, lad. No, no, but I think you'll have a little. I think you'll ever do stuff like that, though.

Fox hunt with my fist. I mean, like, dangerous stuff. You get to 60 and you're like, do you know what? That'll do. You know what I mean? Like, I want more. 60 years. Yeah.

60, like, you'd be like... Can I say, I don't think 60 is going to feel that old. No. I don't think you're going to feel like wild. Like, oh my God, I'm nearly done. I think 80. If you can still do... That is basically...

No, but if you died at 60, we're not going to be like, fuck, what? We'll be like, alright. Do you know what I mean? Southern that? For. 70, like,

gone too soon. 70, like, oh, a bit of a shame. 80, like, he got to 80. Yeah. Jesus. And 90,

it'd be like, fuck me. Fuck, Jesus. Oh, you're up, lad. But like 60, I think is a point

where you can start taking risks because if you die, no one's that ass. Right, so I'm back on the Coke then. Who's stopping me? Come on. Come on. I know I'm not allowed to do it now,

but by the time, Jack's, oh my God, that's mental. He's 20. You know? Yeah. You can do it with you?

No. Yeah, you get the good shit as well. Nice. Quality. Jack, yeah. Back on the beak, mate. Bit of heroin.

I'll leave that till 65. Retirement age. No, if you walked in on, Jack, doing Coke. Not now. That'll be mad. I would have so many questions

for the primary school. He has just started squirrels on a Monday night, though, which is the precursor to beavers. And I think a lot of the cocaine, I think that would be on them. Squidles don't turn into beavers, do you?

Am I get that right, Ron? Beavis don't turn into cubs. It's like the food. I'm guessing. Squirrels, beavers, cubs, scouts, adventure scouts, and after that, you need a fucking girlfriend. Just the aisle, yeah, I'll be in it. But if he was, like, 17, and you

walked into his room, and he's dead brazen with it, and he's just chisling up lines. You're like, you're like, Dad. I want to bash you this. Like, what would you do? Oh, he doesn't even try and hide it. No. He's all right, lad. Sounding more scouts than ever. Yeah, it's just sort of a weird thing when I do coke. Fuck, I'm not. I'm bashed this, dad.

Good shit, you know. Good shit. Don't step on shit, you to sniff, lad, you maggie. This is proper raw shit, lad. Hey, that's disgusting. I'm going to need to confiscate this. Go to the garden office.

But he says, I'm fucking 18. And he goes, come near, I'll fucking smack you. I'm 18. If I can join the army, I can do a line. Dad, fuck off. And he was 17 a minute ago, so it was just 10. This is birthday.

It's midnight. Leave me be. I waited till midnight. Yeah. I mean, if he's, sorry, he's 17, 18. Yeah, so it's not squirrels thought, is it? you get to 60 Laura goes right

you're around the house a bit too much now then you've retired off the circuit so I need some like life risking yeah go and do a bit of fucking adrenaline stuff really you do my head then

like parkour tightrope and I mean parkour at 60 probably is a risk in it yeah you get it slightly wrong I'm just like getting in the car yeah

your hip's gone yeah tight rope tight rope Oh, just the circus? Talking to Bears. He's getting more and more noncy. No, tightrobin's not noncy, is there? There's no kids up there made it fall off.

Oh, my God. The guys that tie up a line. I'd say, if you can fuck a kid on a tightrope, you deserve it. Game on. Yeah. That retirement's looking good, isn't it? Pedophilic tightropeeing for peas. Cocaine with my 17-year-old smackhead son.

Just looks good. Retirement looks great. The coconut shy. You could run a coconut shy. You could run a coconut. What else is? If you find out he was a drug pusher. We're still on Jack as a drug dealer.

He's 17. You just find like a, like, more, it's not just personal use. You found like a fucking... Scarface level is. A bin bag full of tabs in his bedroom. Turns out I'm ringing Cheshire Police again. I've got contacts.

That got stolen as well, do they? Yeah, I'm fucking pushing this stuff. Trying to get himself on the property ladder. Quite honest. He's just, yeah, once he's... It's almost like he wanted to be caught. Happy birthday to me. I'm a drug pusher.

That's four kilograms of scag. I'm 18. If I can join the army, I can sell scag. The thing is, like, some criminals have nice parents, man. I mean, it wouldn't be a reflection on you, is what I'm saying.

I think it does reflect. No, no, no, no. Some criminals have got nice ones and dads, and they're like, yeah, I just wanted a life of crime. No, I don't know. I think it does reflect badly on me

if an 18-year-old Jack Nightingale has four kilograms of heroin in his room. There's going to be questions asked, You can't be fucking with them all the time. No, I can't. That's the way. That's why you should stay with you, young children all the time,

just in case they try and smuggle four kilograms of heroin while you're not watching. I'm going to play footy on the field. All right, Pablo Escobar. Of course you are. Well, he's starting somewhere, I mean? El Chapo.

Raoul Mote. Bet he had the lovely parents, Raoul Mote. Was Rall Mote a drug dealer? No, but he was a bad guy, but a bit his parents were lovely. What did he do? What did he do?

What did he do? Shoot police officers. Oh, did he? He shot a police woman in the face and then went for the pint with Paul Gascoe. He went fishing and... Quite an abridged version, but yeah.

Did he hide in the woods and Gazas saw it and then he hid for days and then days went I'm going to go around killing police officers he also shot his ex-partners new fella. He's like all the busies are getting it and it was a manhunt

that was on TV and Paul Gascoing saw it and he had met Realm Moat before. No, he'd never met Realmeot he thought he was his mate. He was a judge. but he was, he was on some sort of drugs or he was drunk and he was like,

I think I know Ralmo turned up with fried chicken and a fishing rod. I mean, and some cans. Of all the people from Newcastle, Gaz is like a good bet of like he might like me. Like that's a good shout. Yeah, he's like the Jack Finning and he knows everyone in Newcastle.

Yeah, he's a legend. Yeah, it's him or Scherer, isn't it? Yeah, but Scher's probably not about that life, is he? No. As Gazzon is. Do you reckon if Sherer had ran through the forest like that? No, I would have one thing. he was over there.

I'm doing the Shira celebration by the way, not the other thing. Did Shira ever get in trouble for that? No. Doing a Nazi salute every time you scored that ever. Wayne Hennessy did and then went, hang on, who were the Nazis? And everyone went, no,

when he went, I don't know, I'm going away with her. She's one of the maddest things that's ever happened. Do you know that? Wayne Hennessy. A German player left, Lester. I don't know it was. And in the background, he's doing the Hitler mustache and the Natty salus. That's the thing.

Sheer never did the, that. Tash. He's... That's the thing. As soon as that, as soon as your left finger, like that, as soon as it's there,

there's no coming back. Wayne Henness, he said he was itching his nose and pointing over there. Oh, yeah. I got away with it. He went,

and they sent him to like Natty classes. Yeah, he said he needs to educate himself on the Nattie classes. They said him to Natty classes. No, it was classes about the Natties, not how to be a Natty. Ah, right.

Yeah. I mean, really, they're both the same, though, aren't they? It's like that bit about like, score shooters, being in the school shooter drills. If he's going to Nazi classes He knows that to be

Oh my God, I've never thought of that Yeah That is true You saw the school shooters Is where the kids are going to be? Do they have drills for that? In America they do yeah Red shooter like once a month

They're like right If a school shooter comes in Everyone I'd be on a desks And you know Don't sing or anything Once a month They have drills

They have drills I know Lie down And say they have School shooter drills As often as school in the UK They have a fire

real, if not more. They have them classes where, like, they, like, basically turn the class into, like, a big fort. You can't get in. Oh, my God. But the kid who's going to do the shooting is probably in that class, isn't he? Unless they sort of pick the one that they know and they're like, hey, John. Can you go for a shot or something, lad?

Hey, crazy, John. Don't have 20 minutes on your own. Right, now he's gone. Hey, John. Go for a shite, love. John's like, yeah. I'm off for a shite, right, we'll do it now. kids of John, does it?

Crazy John. That's little John. Go and clean your leather coat. You're fucking mental. Can we go for a poo? You can go for a poo. I don't want to go with you. I will be following you into that.

I like, it's nice. All right. Oh, my shorts have ridden up. Oh, wow. Oh, there. Kack. Oh, my Kiac. I tell you what I was thinking.

I bet Carl's got a thought that leads on from the last section of podcasting. I was just thinking, and I don't know if you all think this. Smooth. Maybe it's, is it just me? This is the new section. I don't know. When I'm in the cinema, one of my most overarching thoughts is every time. If someone runs in with a gun, what do I do?

I think every single time. And I genuinely think I want it for five minutes. I have got like an escape plan from that room. The thing is, like, with stuff like that, the reason I don't think about stuff like that is there's nothing you can do. But there is... Do you think that at the film club screenings at the plot?

No. Because I'm at the back. All right. What do you mean there is? If someone wants you dead, you're dead at all points. No, no. So if they run into a dark screen, which it is, instantly they've got the, you know,

the thing we'd eyes go from light to dark, so they're missing a little bit. Well, if they've got a night vision goggle on. Dah. Then, you know, advantage them. Touch. But I'm thinking, like, because I'd think, would I jump behind the seats or under? Because I'm thinking, if I'm the shooter, that's where I'm looking first.

What's the difference? It's about hiding. Basically, it's about, if they're in this alley, like the aisle. Yeah. The emergency exits usually over there, isn't it? You essentially need to get there or there. So you need to basically, you need to get away. And I always think, I would they get away.

Would you de-reclire on your chair? Are they coming in just? Are they coming in just spraying? They're not coming in just to kill me. Right. Is it a busy screening? I mean, you want it to be, don't you? Yeah, if they're coming in, there's 100 people there

and they're like, I'm just going to fuck shit up. And everyone's going to panic, scream, and I'm like, right, I need, and every time I'll go, this is my plan for the ski. And what is it? What is the plan usually? What if they've got, what if they really think about it?

And they buy a ticket and they come in, they sit next to you? Oh, no, then I'm fucked. And they've just got a silencer, and then one by one, they're just, everyone's dead. Yeah, because the screenings quiet. Yeah, I'd noticed.

that. This is if someone comes in. There's four people been shot. Something's not right. Tell you what, this Toy Story 5. It's not how we expected this to play out. But I think it's a man thing

to have an escape plan from... I have a similar thought constantly. It's not when I'm in the cinema. It's constantly. My thought is if someone wants to kill loads of people, there's just not an anyone can do to stop them. In most situations.

Yeah. Like, when you're walking through town, if someone wants to just go around, stabbing loads of people or blowing their heads off or fucking running them over. You can't. Yeah. So just don't worry about it.

But like, I think I've heard it before. I've got one here. I've got one in, if you... I know that sounds stupid, but... No, America's proof of that. No, with the stabbing, like, in China, there was one where a fella stabbed, like 116 people.

I think if you're the 115th person, just get out of the way at that point. Do you know what if he? What if he just... like runs into a building. Is he stronger to pass it on you then? What do you do? 115 people.

If you've seen 114 people drop in front of you. Yeah, but you're forgetting in China they have really big knives, don't he? And they're also very small. Have you not got an escape plan for this room? Yeah. What, in case one of us turns into a shooter?

No, not us. Someone comes up to lift. That's stinky bins written all over with that. One of us comes up to lift because, you know, the obvious idea is you're down the fire exit but then I think they know that and they've got some at the bottom

waiting to shoot there's no other option call you'd have to run at them well what they're not expecting is you to run at the gun no I think it's a hide and go past I don't think they've got some of the bottom where are you hiding in here if someone comes through that door with a gun

so they run in have they see a lot of people here it's quite the dark area over there no it isn't we got studio lighting no I'm going to roll up in the curtain what I'm gonna roll up how are you getting to me they come in that

door you're the second person dead after finn i would slide finn out and boot him towards the door there bam use that as a block in the bottom of the i know the bottom of the curtain's going to be to give i'd roll up in it and lie still you'd be down so quickly and then i'd you're gonna have some plan even though thanks mate is that better than just going out of the fire exit and down the fire escape i think there's someone there man i never i wouldn't go to the bottom i'd go to the third floor i don't want to be shot like a big human cowardly tortilla in my own studio. You're not going down the steps

because you think there's probably someone down there as part of his two-man assault team. Yeah. But you're rolling up into the curtain that he can see you go and roll up into. Nah, I think he's preoccupied with you. Usually not going, no, don't!

And I'm or the, bam, I'm on it. I'm out, I'm in, I'm rolled. I'm silent. Let's play it out. Okay. Oh, God. For the audio listeners, Adam is the shooter.

Okay. Okay. Here comes. Please don't. Also, you don't. You know. Well, you're not expecting. We're podcasting.

Hey, it's weird, didn't it? He hasn't accounted for them. My plan. Okay. No, you would know what's happening. Just doing a normal podcast. I know, but I'm switched on more than you because I've got a plan. So have I.

Carl, you can't be ready. Oh, yeah. Podcasting. Podcasting. Just podcasting. Would you rather your podcast partner became a gunwielding maniac or... Or, fuck your mom. Oh.

Classic podcasting. Gunwilding. I am. I'm going to go gunwielding. You're going gunwielding. Why, I just want to see him on one again. That's not the context of the reunion. I think he's gone off, by the thing.

I think he's gone for... Carl, I think the gunman wanted you dead. You've been shot nine times before you sat off. He was thinking about fucking his mom. Hey, and by the way, Carl is so dead. I'm fine. I'm fine. He came in with too much of a purpose.

You microphone. You come in with too much of a purpose. What do you mean? If you're coming into... Oh, so you're looking for like a sort of devil-make-care come with. Can I also say, I think the gunman farted during the excitement of the gun battle. Did that work? Did the block work? Did it work?

No, but you would expect it. You might be the first one dead, you know? Even with him there. No, Josh, probably. I just took a few. Yeah. Big gun as well. I don't know what I'm doing against the Gatlin gun.

Is that what you're saying? To the guy. Exclusively pointing against you. Come on, mate. Give us a chance. I had a separate car thought on the way here. I thought, do you reckon the future Prime Minister has seen one of our clips? Yeah?

Because I do. Do you mean? I reckon Andy Burnham's have us on his algorithm at some point. Oh, I think you've never had a child now? No. I mean, the one that's going to be Prime Minister in two weeks. I'd be pretty Do you reckon anyone

any of the other Prime Ministers have seen it? No. I don't think I think he's the first one where it's like, yeah, he's probably seeing Capha, doesn't he?

I don't think Liz Trost saw Caput. The Prime Minister, no, you, Dr. Kaffa this? I mean, you know, incumbent. He could be like head of medicine,

like head of the NHS, Dr. Cartford. Andy Burnham's a lid, is that what we were saying? He's a lid, is he? He's a lid, is he? He's a not. Northerner.

He's a man. He's a... From Aynchry. I'm just like you, me. Look at me bans. He's... Look at me bans. I've got pants on. That's what I'm like.

I'm Andy Burnham. Normal man with pants and shoes. Is he Scouts? It's from Maintree. Originally. Also... And you, as a scouser, are refusing to do his actual accent.

He hasn't got a skous accent. He has got a generic northern accent. Hello. From the North. Not him... By the way, I've just done a pretty good impression of him. I'm Andy Burnham. It's better than Matt Ford.

They're not having a scouse. He'd be your fucking Prime Minister Nardi. I mean, he technically is, but he's not. I'm Andy Burnham. I've been looking after Manchester in my trousers. Now I'm going to look after everywhere with my shoes on. He sounds like he is Dr. Cathford. He's one of the, he's king of the day.

Nigel Cluff. Nigel Cloth. It's such a slump. Such a niche impression. A bit of a Nigel Club. Can't do Brian. I could do Nigel. You're missing from there.

You aren't shooting. He's building. of number 10 in the north down. He basically just can't be asked moving to London. I get it. Yeah. Number 10, Dean's Gate. Yeah.

All right. Have you missed, have you been on holiday, haven't you? Have you missed his briefing? Yeah, he said, I'm not moving down here.

I fucking hate it. Tube does me head in. What he said was with, it's nice for one day, two days, but I'm not living down here. We get it, Andy.

We get it. He's moving number 10 to Manchester. You got off the training, went, that big smoke. It's like Harry in London First order of business

Do you call it Abap or a bomb? And Everton fans of Prime Minister, unbelievable. But he's not Scouse. But he is Scouts. He's born in Aintry, which is the purely. But where is he raised? Is it like Warrington or something?

Oh, right. He's not like fucking from Dovey, is he? He's not like a, you know, born and, but he is a Scouse. You know, technicalities. Well. And he's an Evanton fan. Is anyone opposing him in this leadership race?

just walking into it. No, one can be asked. Farage. Everyone's just like, he's going to win. Someone should have been a sacrificial lamb. They should have... I should have... Yeah, but... So, if someone else was, like, going,

oh, do you know what, I'll go against them. Then them, and the five people who support them just have no chance of getting a cabinet job. No, no, but it should have been like... It's all dodgy dealings, in it? It should have been like, hey, I'll give you a cabinet position if you come, go against me and just... Yeah, in leadership races,

people who've got... As long as it's not got too, like, nasty. They've still ended up in positions of power within a cabinet, haven't they? It's not all always daggers drawn. Oh, go on Andy. Let me do the counting or whatever. Come on, Andy.

Right. So the leader of the counting. So we're just moving the houses of parliament to like a Greg's. No. What he's doing is having a hub up north to bridge the gap between London and the rest of the country. It's going to end really well.

I could say this ending. How does he make you feel? Horny. Sexy. No, because I'm looking, he is a bit of a John Snow one of us, one of us, in he? It does make me feeling

a little bit more connected to the government, just naturally. It's just more charismatic. He's a charismatic guy, isn't he? Much more charismatic than, I mean, Kirsteim is a weird baseline, even though, obviously,

you know, it's not, but I do feel a little bit more represented. I do, I do think, though, like, what I was just doing there is only a minor caricature of what he's actually doing. like it is very oh I'm just fucking normal

me here I'm here a few months ago it's madden it like just be normal stop telling us you normal do I mean he's like he starts the clip the day he's like I've been down south

and coming back home oh that's a Smith's lyric that anyway more about politics like it's such a like it's such a like convoluted cliche stupid way to start a thing

just come on and go look I want to like instead of going oh you know be fucking great wouldn't it like Manchester's lovely and that's why don't we just do some of the meetings here, hey? Just go, listen, for too long, everything's too London-centric.

I've been in charge of the north for so long. I just want to balance it a bit better, and I think moving, like, my officers so that I can be closer to my actual constituents will do that. It doesn't have to be this performative. Oh, look at me jeans. You haven't seen a prime minister in jeans for a bit, have you? Oh, look at me, jeans is very in his lexicon. He did a speech today, and he was like,

I've actually had permission to wear me Manchester clothes. Sorry, Kemi. That's the leader of the Conservatives. Oh, I think you meant Chris Kamara. Yeah. It's like, I hope he does well. Because if he does well, we all do well and all that sorts of stuff.

But just the performative, hey, you know, I drink pints me. That's good, isn't it? You know? Love a Guinness. Split the G. That's what we all do, isn't it? Have you seen them?

The Madry one? The Madry one. Set the table. It's good there. Fantastic. It makes me want to buy magic. Has Andy Burnham done it? Probably.

I thought you were genuinely talk about something he's doing this. So the magic fella's like that on the thing and it's to put it under his arm, it looks like he's leaning on a table. It's called set the table. It looks great. It's also like half the pint.

Right. You've got to explain what it is. So you know, with Smith the G, you're trying to get the foam to sort of land below the G. Below the G above the heart. You're making the table for the fella. Yeah.

Or in the middle of the G like it's actually meant a big one. No, it's not. Yeah, yeah, it is. No, it's not. It's a thing we'll never know the answer to because we just hear different stories. Set the table's cool as fuck. Yeah.

I'm a big fan of it. And I'm usually not a big fan of all the fun games with the beers, but I'll play that one. He's not a Spanish fellow. Did you hear what just left you most? You'll play it once and never again. No.

I'd rather drink Moretti than Madreve and than Ginnister. Madre's from like Buxton though, in it or something? Yeah, if you must say it's Spanish. It's not, it's not, it's like, a sombrero on. Yeah.

I drink beer. All right. I don't know. But anyway, I think future prime ministers watch our clips. That would be my hypothesis. Can we get him on? He's just a normal, normal northern prime minister. Me?

Normal, man. I just do normal. I just do podcasts and that, don't I? It's a coffee as well, then. Imagine this voice. You're two inches inside your mum. Your dad's just inside you. Which way are you going?

Is his mum dead? That would be classic. He's meant for us. His mom wakes in a chippy or, a lawn drette or something, doesn't she? Because he's so known. I'd love to retire. Yeah, his mum's like,

my dad's down the minds still. Janice, she holds alive a long. My mum's clean tippies. Like a northern out of my own. That's what they're calling him. His dad's a beaty engineer and his, oh Adam, you're going to like this. His mum's a GP's receptionist.

Oh, D. Oh, dear. Got some questions. Don't suck. Where are you? No, don't. Sean Martin says, all right, Lids, I have a question for you. A new pocket-sized instant transporter machine is invented, meaning you can safely get to anywhere in the world and back in an instant,

wherever and whenever you want, only initially available to the mega-rich, but eventually comes down to 50 grand. Dan's got four. So we can have one if we really want. The catch is, every time you use the machine, it takes the ordinary journey time off you at the end of your life instead. So, for example, six hours from your house to Lanzarotti becomes zero seconds to Lanzarotti, but you die six hours early.

Or 24 hours to some random town in Cambodia becomes zero seconds, but you die a day early and then take another six hours a day off your life for the return. Like, would you go on like three far away holidays a year and take six days off the end of your life per year? Or 50 holidays or 100 days is only just over three years. months. So you're not really losing an awful lot of your old age. Plus, are you really losing if you'd only be sat on a plane for that time anyway? But they could also fix aging in that time, so you might then not want to die when you're like 107. However, you'd already have made the deal with the devil and there's no Baxis. Big love. P.S., I'd use it every month and die at 60, and that's from Sean Martin. Yeah, like, this feels, this feels easy. No, but doesn't the

travel and although it's awful? Like, Isn't that like part of it? Like, that's why it's a treat. No, I know what you're saying. No, I'm saying. If you could instantly do that and be any way you wanted, it would get old. It wouldn't.

Nope. I'd do it to go the shops. No, you've never seen Click, have you then? Having just done Faro's EES trying to get out of that airport, I would take the click every time. Clicks about the ease, fast forward in time with his friends. I mean, like, if I wanted to go to the shop,

I'd just be like, bop and then two minutes. We don't talk to me and the shops. It was just being you. Just don't know. Like, streamline your life too much there. Something like go wrong, you get bored. You just would. Japan, though.

You've been Japan. That's an absolute beast. I'd use it very sparingly. I'd use it for every single journey. Yeah. Forever. Because then you're losing stories and things that could happen. Oh, hang on.

You'd use it for every circuit gig, every tour gig. Like, you'd never be on the road again. So it is my question to you, right? Let's say it's even the Frog and Bucke in Manchester. That's an hour each way. Yeah. that time that I'm driving I'm doing nothing

but the driving I'm not getting anything from it I'm on my own I'm doing nothing but the drive I might have music on songs that I've heard before like I'm like that's it I hate driving

like I just ate it so would I rather because I'm losing those two hours one each way would I rather lose those two hours as a 34 year old or as a 114 year old you're making it to 1.14

pooing 17 times a day, yeah. You're getting more shit out of me, aren't I? Oh, yeah, yeah. You're just full of shit, that's what it is. You'd lose the story. You'd lose things. You would.

What are my? What would you lose? Well, something might have happened on that journey that would add to your stand-up. You'd never start as a stand-up. You couldn't get in a fucking bus. Half your jokes. Yeah, but...

Yeah, but he's already done that. This is the starting point. If I had it, I'd use it sparingly. We're going to go on three LDs a year, far, you know, far away, and I'd use it for that. But I wouldn't be going to shops at it and going to it. I'd never be going on a plane again. It's irritated.

I think I, yeah, I think I'd reserve it for plane, James. No, I enjoy walking. So I'd still walk the shops. What about your luggage? What about your luggage? I think if you're holding it while you do it, it goes with you? Yeah, you're holding it. It's magic.

You've got a lift. Everything you're touching. Oh, shit, can I take my... Oh, that's going to go down really badly. You have to touch all your family? but it's 50 grand each then just buy them one each yeah but where would Jack goleman

get some scag he's got his own money independently wealthy I wouldn't use it all the time because it's like black mirror isn't it you'd end up ruining a part of your life in some way no that happens in black mirror because black mirror is written to be like this

does this new technology and oh it turns out it's not good doesn't happen in and everything that ever gets invented no not good But the technology that we shouldn't be using, it turns up not good in the most mundane ways and this is what would happen. Like, it would just go shit.

If you used it as much as you want to. I think if you used it a couple of times, it'd be great. You can use it to get out of scrapes. If you use that every single journey you make except for walking, I think you'd lose your mind. Genuinely, I don't mind the drive to Manchester that much.

As soon as it was like, oh yeah, the gig's south of Birmingham, beep. I'd be, like, there's certain journeys I don't mind. I would imagine sometimes I'd go, do you know what? I'm just going to enjoy the drag, I want to listen to some music. A bit of peace and quiet. But 90% of the time. You would the second you at any traffic, you'd press it, wouldn't you?

Yeah. Would your car come with you? Yeah, he sat and he's touching her. Yeah. You weren't willing to do it. The second I had traffic, if I got cut up once, if someone moved over in front of me when I'm just like, who you're overtaken there?

There's no one in front here, so why'd you need my lane? Fucker. So you turn up at the frog and bucket shouting. Yeah. Yeah. Can you get the same travel sickness? If you were going to like Australia. You get mad jet lag.

Because you can sleep on the plane at least and try and, you know. But if you get there and it's like fucking tomorrow. Can't sleep on place. I'm in business. Do you know what I mean? I think it's, but you'd be in a bed. It's worth it to miss out on 30 hours of traveling though,

isn't it? Yeah. I just work out of the sleep. No, I think I'd use it only for planes. And train. I hate trains actually. I hate trains. So trains and planes, that's it.

I like driving. I enjoy driving. Genuinely enjoy it. So you've got to drive for me to Cornwall. I'd never would. I've never done it. Did you drive to Plymouth when you went that time?

Stephen did. Yeah, but you didn't even have to... I'd rather drive to Plymouth and get the train to Plymouth. No, no, I'm saying, would you rather just skip that journey? No, I don't think I would. Oh my God, Carl. I would fucking press the button for Cornwall. Fuck, Cornwall.

Miles off. It's 100 fucking miles. It's like, so far, is it seven or eight? hours you feel like it's going to be oh you got to bristol it's just around the corner such a ball-like journey i'd be pressing the button every time for that but you wouldn't i just don't want to spoil it and like i'd use it i'm going here i'm going to be there now imagine doubles you could do like you could do like skegness and timbre two in the same night i've traveled with you so much and when you're traveling you are the most insular person in the world

if you're in a car or on a train you just want to go asleep with your headphones in you don't have any experience. No, but I'm saying I don't want to spoil it by going, Young Honour in Tesco, it would ruin it. It would ruin it. You'd have to be fucking kettled. Why? It just would be. If you're on the sofa and you're just like, oh, I can't be asked.

I've got to get in the car and drive to ASDA or whatever. If I was feeling that bad, I'd just do Bidita. Someone else can drive for me. But I don't, I would, I would save it so it was a joy to use rather than a constant thing. Yeah, by the way, you could do

eight gigs a night if you really like your Saturday could be incredible if you got the stage times right and you're playing in places you've never played with bright and comedian you go to Havana and do a gig yeah you could go to North Korea and then when they go why

why the fuck you hear you take a poster like Otto Warmbergler did or whatever and then you go Warmburgle what's his name was his name Warburger? Warmbia Okay sorry you're losing a day of your life to just nick a poster from North Korea yeah but that'd be sick yeah all right

Do you mean? Because otherwise when you get there, they go, ah, it's your last day that you're losing that, yeah. It's also the bit

that's miserable. Yeah, you're losing your last day. But you're saying you're dying of old age. You're saying it's miserable if you get to die in a old age. What if you die

getting paid by a car and you lose three years of your life? Well, then I wouldn't get it by the car because I've died a day before the car and what I mean is you're not saying

you're going to die of old age. You might die at 60 because I've gotten and you've lost five years. Yeah, but I've traveled. I've seen the world, man. but I've lost that five years

from being 60 and not from being 34 I don't think 60 is the end of the world but it was like it will be worse than now though you get an extra day though hopefully when you're 60 you'll have grandkids and you've lost time with them

just because you want to go to South Korea for the fucking day but it's just because you're just oh grand that's going to die earlier because he wanted to go to the pop to the Tesco once a day bollocks but you don't want to

go into Tesco take you takes 10 minutes. Are you losing 10 minutes? You know what? You're losing five minutes. It's half of the time of the journey. You got to get there. You'd have to pop back. I'm staying in Tesco forever. Was it only half the time of the journey? I thought it was the same.

No, no. It's the thing. I don't know where I've been aware of missed it. But if you go to Australia and don't have to do the travel, you get a whole extra day. I think I would stick to planes. Have I got on a plane or a train? There, no. Everything else. Mental. Everything else.

Every. No, I want to live your life. Let's give some advice I'm here to help Is it just me? Is it just me? Do you want to get a jingle for that car? Is it just me?

Is it just me? There's a drink song. Agony Adam. Samantha says, this is from a lesbian lady. Samantha says, need your advice list. Pussy loving wheelder. That's what she wanted to be called. She said, please call me a pussy loving wheeler.

You are what you eat? Pussy-wielding lover? No, she's a pussy-lover and pussy-wielder. No, there you go. Sorry. So smart. Need your advice, Lids. My partner Liz has started knitting recently.

It's the Les. Lesbian, yeah? It's really good work. My partner, Liz, has started knitting recently, and it's... Or she's South African. My partner, Liz. She's a fucking Liz. Les.

Australian. fucking Liz You say Ben like Bin? Liz. That's how you say That's our trick to say Ben in South Africa You say bin

Bin What you're talking bit? He's rugby Rugby Rugby lesbian How have we got any Gay listeners At all

Because they know That we love them What our lives mom This is what the gays talk Like when they're alone My partner Oh Liz de Les You're a little lesbian are you

Oh muff-dive and Liz Like that's what they're into Well they say that at home As a gay ball. She goes muff-diving Liz. Why not? We're not trying to hide behind all this woke words. We're like, yeah, we get it.

Yeah. If anything, I've got more in common with lesbians than straight men. What? You are a straight man. That's why you've got so many lesbian friends. It's good that she's been able to write in because she'd be just sat at home with a lesbian friend going, ah, you big pussy wielding pussy over.

Strumble each other off? Yeah. Can we have sex now, Dan? Allies. My partner, lesbian, Liz. What, that is, I like, he's not saying it's a bad thing. And Les. Strum away.

We've mentioned lesbians. And you've gone, Ha, fucking Liz, pussy looking Liz! They're at home going, ah, you love pussy! In a Jordy accent for some reason. He's not saying it's a bad thing. I'm saying, say whatever. We love you.

He's saying a fake like Bob Dylan and strum that guitar, Liz. Yeah? And if you're gay, wank. Men off. Have you the gamer? Oh yeah, that wasn't advice for Liz. No, no.

My partner lesbian Liz has started knitting recently and is really sticking to it. The problem is, it gives me such old woman vibes, and it makes me drier than a chalk factory. We're in our 30s, and she's spending her time

knitting away like an old biddy. Can I say something to her, or do I have to let her have her hobbies? And that's from Samantha. She got some K-Y jelly. Yeah? She might be knitting Dildo Alders. Did she be?

mention what she was, if she was knitting dildo hold and stuff. A dildo sheath. To keep your dildo warm? No, to keep her clean when you're not using it. Like a sheath. Oh, that's dirty walled at it. Do you like a warm dildo? Is that a thing?

I put a butt plug on a radiator recently. Just to be sexy with the radiator. I just didn't want... Here you go, you're dirty bit. I just didn't want Laura to get a cold shock in the anews. So I put it on the radiator. Oh, no, that feels like you shouldn't do that. Yeah, I left it on the...

too long. I think it's, yeah, I'd rather have something cold in my ass and something hot. I don't want to burn my ass all,

but a little, you know, you're not meant to put oligizers up your eyes are you, you get toxic, yeah. Put what?

Put what up your ass? You're not meant to put lolly icees up your ass, you get toxic. Oh, no. Is that from experience? No, Google.

Oh, right. Yeah, you can't stick a mini-mir up your batty or, can you? They haven't got the deck, they haven't got like the, you know,

that made the right stuff. You'd need a fab. or the fruit pastels one's quite good but then you've got melted sprinkles in your I think I think a rocket as well shaped properly made well it's asking for it a rocket

yeah rocket through pastles one after a few licks at least yeah like wearing it down never a feast which colour can you get up to can go all the way to green dirty clipper

well your assholes infinite really isn't it you can probably get the whole thing oh yeah I think yours is Your assholes infinite And yours It's Your asshole like keeps going To your bowels

And then onto your stomach That's a big fruit pastel Lolley that one Your intestines You're going to go to Argentina Yeah they're like miles long aren't they When you're gagging on it Your intestines are miles long done

They can go across the Gorgon Bridge Yeah but a fruit Pustol Lolley's about six inches Is it like If you take your intestines Out and you old it And I old it

And we fuck off In opposite direction You can go around the earth. You can go around the earth for the carty? Go on. I was that veins. The 7.6 metres. But to be honest, I thought that as well.

Really? There's a pause where I was like, Is that right? I thought you could. 16,000 miles of bowel. Your veins can. Yeah, your DNA. You can go to like to space, kind of.

It's slightly different. Oh, you need DNA to space. Yeah, go on, what's a question? I know what you mean to smithing. Because when. When Laura got an allotment, that wasn't the sexiest thing that ever happened. But she seemed happy. So you've just got to sort of let her have her, like, it's a bit old.

It's a bit... I think she went a bit early on the old all the lotment. I don't know. You know, like knitting and allotments and all stuff like that, from my experience, the most boring women on the face of it are the ones who like to fuck the most. So if you're knitting and going to an allotment, you're probably up for anal. Yeah, you're filth. Yeah, you're coming on with dirty wellies on. You know, you're getting bummed.

So if you're a librarian at a children's library, spunk goblin. Probably, yeah. Not in the library, though. No, no, no, no. Oh, no, she's not doing anything illegal. Yeah. But at home, absolute, come demon. That's why, like, come demon.

Come demon and a spunk goblin. He's surprised himself. I'm doing a little, like, tombollah in my head. Jizz. Fairy. People like the opposite, don't you? That's why, like, politicians. like getting wax porn on the back and like punched.

Because they've got power so they want someone to take all the power off. But as if someone's like, I'm a librarian. You want to go home and get bummed? There wasn't Bernie Eccleson getting bummed by Nazis or something. You what? Is that Bernie Eccleson? No, it was Max. Max Clifford.

It was Big Red Dog? It was someone from, it was someone from like. He was getting bummed by Nazis. Max Mosley. Yeah. Oswald. Lord Mosley, I think. Hang on, you can't defame the dead.

Is Max Clifford dead? Is Max Clifford dead? He was in nonce as well, won't he? Nobody got done. He died nine years ago, Carl. Gordon Rat. He was, he was in jail. I know, he got Operation Utreed. You did get U-treat.

I want to know who Max Mosley is now. Is there any, is there any hobbies where if you miss his, did it, you'd be like, nah. Golf. I fucking nailed it. Max Mosley. Rugby. Golf? Golf? Golf sexy. If you watch videos of girls playing golf with short skirts, on you? Yeah, Laura's gonna wear short skirts. Why is that not what you're put? This is it. Because I'm not with it. Why? Because I'm not with it. What do you mean? You're not getting into golf if Serica gets into golf. You can be a caddy? You're messing aren't you? You are anyway.

You are either. They have to think. Yeah? Yeah, I'd do that. But she's got to wear short skirts. No, I'd wanted to if I was there. Oh, yeah, I'd wanted to. We had rugby's bad. No, it's not. Have you not seen a loan a mare? You can't wear shimp pads? Alone a mayor.

You mess that, yeah. Who? Alone and mayor. She's an American. Is that Andy Burnham? Nice. She's an American rugby player. Dad, I'm going out of wearing my shin pads.

You'd be like, that's sexy. Why are you wearing shin pads to rugby? What? I imagine you've got to. Dan, is this what you're into? Yeah, he's into like Joan. That looks like Brock Lesnar's daughter. That's what I'm into.

Ooh, shot put. I can't wait to show you this in the break. Ilona Mae is a beautiful woman and she's powerful on the wing, which is what I'm looking for. Like a drug dealer. Yeah, Jonah Loman with tits. Nice. I get it.

Yeah. So if Laura was looking for his shimpad, do you think that was sexy? You like a robust woman, don't you? I think, yeah. I like to be pinned down and seen to. I think you like, you're going at them that they don't move.

Wow. They can move. And they will move if they want to. Oh, yeah. Free will. Oh, they've got free one. They've not been tied up or threatened. Yeah.

You just like a... They've been threatened a little bit, but they ask to be threatened. You want a woman who's got like the constitution of a mahogany coffee table. Yes. Takes two fellas to move her. A hundred percent.

In the van. Eddie Stobartz. Really? You want like a proper... I want to run at her and not. You know, full run-up and she doesn't even budge. Wow. Absolute fucking.

What if she's done... A bunker of a lady. What if she's, like, welding in a spare time downstairs? Like, footloose? Yeah, she's making, like... She's a flash dance on, she's making, like... She's welding and playing rugby. Now we're teetering over.

There's a limit. You can have one masculine, sort of, like... What if she can weld you in... Darts? Oh, got darts Thursday. Have you? Yeah, I'm out. Fuck off.

Have you? I'm out. You see my shin pads. wearing shin pads for darn playing with shit players you've made me shit again surely I'm sorry yeah I think that I think is it just basically

anything shin pads related pool pool tournaments on Tuesday I think that accent is so but is there no like I know we're all we're doing all sports is there no like other lorries like those people that wave at lorries like they wave at lorries

like HGV yeah like my mum used to have an Eddie Snowbar book and we used to like when the Eddie Stobart to drive past we didn't take down the names sorry, your mum waved at lorries when they went past on the road right? No, no, no, no, that was just like my mum in the car

would have an Eddie Stobar book and then we got sent to Eddie Stobar van. You've all got names haven't we? Yeah, and it's like oh there's Lisa Marie Elvis's daughter's driving and yeah, take the names down, the lorry. Yeah, that's enough. Stamp collecting. Do you think that could be ever cute?

About coin collecting, I feel like it's worse. What about match attacks or something? March's house is kind of cool. If my 40-year-old mother of two wives started doing... Yeah. She's looking for like a Jermaine Beckford shiny. You're like...

Oh, nothing's going to get me hornyer than getting a Jermaine Beckford shiny. Laura was going ballistic because she'd just pull the fucking shiny Bruno Fernandez. You're not telling me that I'd get you down. That sounds like a euphemism. Have you got in my head, short where the next score goalkeeper, please, Dan? I think it's going to leave me. Yeah. Leave me limp. No, you get involved.

Are you not getting involved? You like football? Yeah, but I do, but it's not leading you on to sexy times, that is it? Doesn't believe it. Dan, I just pulled your Cuban minty! Wow. Newcastle player? Nope. Does he know?

Right. Right. I went from Newcastle. Yeah. It's God. Break time. I need little bit. Break time. No cock.

The long awaited, long overdue, I would say. Debuttive of Michael Ottawa is. Thank you for having me, man. It does feel like this should have happened a long time ago. Yeah, I guess so. I felt like at one point, me and you kind of saw each other a fair bit when I was down in London more and we were in and around top secret. Yeah.

And then when we did that BBC show together recently, I was just like, why the fucks me? As has clicked. Now I'm here. I'm glad to be here, man. You might be the only Michael I know that goes by every variation of the shortening. I know people who call you Mick. I know people who call you Mike. I know people who go with the full Michael.

Yeah, I get a couple of Mikeys. Mikey, yeah. Mikey from a man feels too intimate. Do you know what I mean? It feels like it's got to be a woman calling me Mikey. I like it. Have you got a favourite of the short ones? I do like a Mikey from a woman.

Do you ever get Mickey? Mickey O? No, Mickey. I don't think Mickey works for me. Mickey O. Don't know. Mickey, you go straight to mouse, don't you? Yeah.

You just do you? On this podcast? Mickey? There's another one, isn't it? Yeah? Really? Really? Yeah, I go straight to mouse, man.

I get a couple of my girls. I like a me girl. Yeah, we've been feeling a bit. A bit better today, yeah. I like him. My dad's called, uh, Michael. Your dad gets Mike and Mick, doesn't he?

But he gets that very distinctly from different people. So let me mom call them Mike. It's Mick to me. Is it, yeah? Yeah. It's Miguel to me. It's just a little thing we've got going.

Mick Roe? Yeah, he's fucking Mike Roe. Yeah, my mum called him Mike, I think. Piano player for Oasis. Is it? Mike Row, yeah.

Is your dad did piano player for Oasis? He was, yeah. Is he really? Wow! He left you to artistic differences. He wants to be a painting and decorator. In the West Darby area.

Off you go. Have you ever had any other iterations on Daniel? Daniel, when I was getting ball, By my mum. Do you want to have divon? Dvon? Devon?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was hanging around with a different crew of mates. Dane? Dane. These are just different names, though. You know, they're not different names? Baldy prick.

You mean Danny? Yeah, I was Danny. Yeah, I was Danny at school. You're Dan and Dan Neack, Danny. Yeah. I went to college and I was like, I'm changing my name. I'm not Danny anymore.

I'm Dan. I'm done. A D-boy? D-boy? Sounds like dick boy. Yeah. Did you try and re-invel yourself for college, yeah?

I just, oh yeah, went by Dan. They weren't words. No. I don't, I'm not well, and I've got this bastard

of an ulcer coming through and it's just all mixing together. You said, all just lucky I'm here, to be honest with you. My granddad called me Jamie. Oh,

that's like, that's a messia. Yeah, that's illness. He wasn't doing so well. Yeah. Well, you say like when we were going through those names,

then some of them were just different names. Like my, so my little brother's called Jack Right? And when, so when I was born For the first week in my life I was called Vincent.

Okay. I was named after my granddad, my maternal grandad, my mum's dad. Yeah. And I was going to be Vinnie. I was going to be a little Vinny Row, which I love and I wish I'd kept it

and I've always said that. And really, if I'd have thought about it, I'd like to have used it as like a stage name. Yeah. If I'd have thought, like, you know, anyway, after like a week, people had gone to me mum, it's fucking 19-92.

Why are you calling your kid Vinny? Yeah. So she changed it to Adam and put Vincent in the middle. So I'm now Adam Vincent. Well, right? When my little brother was born, they called him Jack. My dad's dad is called John. And my mum's family apparently were all being dead bitchy

and being like, oh, you've named him after that. You changed that one because Jack used to be short for John, even under the same length. Yeah. And Carl can be short for Charlie. Yeah. Which isn't just not right. That's not made up.

That's not my name. My dad wanted me to be Nathaniel. Really? Nathaniel Nightingale. Wait, they didn't have his dentures it? It's just too fucking busy that, in it? There's a lot going on there, yeah.

Nate and Girl. Is that why they just kept the end of it? Yeah, apparently. Nate and Guy, that's cool as far. Nightingale. Yeah, that's cool. It's time to have a word with Vincent and Nathaniel. That's a different podcast.

Well, I used to have a stage name when I first started doing comedy for my first three gigs, I went by a Fillmore Brown. Sorry? What? Fillmore Brown. When I started doing comedy,

I was into the Americans and I saw that Jamie Fox went by Jamie Fox. I'm like, I need a cool, swaggy name. So I was like, Philmore Brown

kind of sounds like a guy is at a jazz bar, drinks whiskeys. You know what I mean? He sounds older. He sounds older. And then my friend was like, that sounds like a stripper name though.

Like off of my phone. Like, like Philmore Brown, it just kind of feels a bit like that. So I went back to Michael. You say Jamie Fox goes by Jamie Fox, but isn't Jamie Fox? Fox just Jamie Fox?

His name's like Eric sign. It can't be. Eric. It's Eric. It's Eric. That's quite sick, though. No, it's not as good as Jamie Fox. Jamie Fox.

Jamie Fox's fucking cool name. Like Eric Bishop. Eric Bishop doesn't get an egot, does he. No, he doesn't. Jamie Fox does, man. What's that thing where it's like, if you went by a different name, you'd have a whole different life,

like determinative. No, not determinative. I don't know what I feel more brown to be doing. No more brown Yeah What would he be doing? It sounds like an East End gangster to me

Yeah Yeah But like Vinny though What would Vinny be doing? I think Vinny Roe would have been in Like I think I'd have like a private Recycling business

Yeah that's what I was thinking Is that a cover for all the cocaine you're selling No I think I've just like I've really just gone into I think this is what I'd do You know if comedy went away And I had to find a way to sort of make millions.

I think I'd try and go into a really unsexy business and just dominate. No one way everyone's sleeping on it. Hang on, recycling, that you don't do. I don't need to do it if everyone else's doing it. Does not.

So they're just paying. It's one's the first man's holiday, in it? Yeah, yeah. But that's like some mafia shit. Like Vinnie Roe would like dominate like an industry like cement. And then he just kind of comes in.

Cement. Yeah? He runs the bins. He runs the bins. Is that what Tony Soprano does? Vinny Roe runs. the bins, Rand. Yeah, you wear, like,

of a low track suit. You know what I mean? I can see that for you. Vinny Row does sound very soprano. Vinny Rew had stinky bins running in the trash me. Wow. You got a pastrami sandwich at all times. I mean, I can see that.

I love a pastrami sandwiches, well, I mean. So I was just hanging out a bit. I said I was Lisa for a bit because mum was fucked on the epigodial. Mom thought I was a girl because she was that fucked on the drugs.

You must have an absolute maggot, you know? Yeah, it's when I was a baby. And the woman went, the nurse went, It's a boy. And she went, She said, she went, it's a boy, and she went, Lisa, and the nurse went, okay. So for like two or three hours.

Let's die a morphine for Mrs. Regler. Yeah. If you could pick a new name, Finn. Yeah. Do you reckon your name has held you back at all? I don't. Well, it's hindered the stage name because I did K because of no one could say my surname, but then I didn't know there was Finley Quay, which has been a bit of a hindrance.

Yeah, Finn's stage name is Finley K. Philly K. Yeah. Because his surname is the noise you get when you throw a typewriter down and an escalator. That's what it types as well. That's a band, isn't it? If you're going to change like a band name. Yeah.

What would you want? The... Because all good band names, I feel, are gone. Come up with a good band name. It's difficult. Erotic. Does that suit the tunes? How many people are in your band, not including you?

Three. Finley K and the three. No, that's bad. Finley K and the three backing musicians. The power dynamic of that doesn't sound great, though. It just feels like it's too. Finley K and the erotic three. I think there's been one word, like,

Bam, like Oasis or Beatles. Bam. But bam. I know, there's the jam. Bam. Bam. Just bam. Lexicon.

I think we've established that bad names are quite difficult to come up with. It's difficult to come up with. But it's also stuff like, I was talking about this the other day. band names that are famous bands, if I came up to you and went, I'm starting a band called the Arctic Monkeys,

you'd be like, you're all right. I'd be like, they exist. You're going to do it's illegal issues. What about make a word that doesn't exist, so like whenever you air that word, they think you, like, Scarvision. How are you spelling that?

S-K-A-V-R-S-E-N. Say it again. Scarvision. Scar Vision. He plays for Sweden. Scar Vision. Sounds pretty cool. And then goes,

oh, that's only them. because you're not shared and words with anyone then. Right. Can I see a vision? Scarvision. Scarvision. Would you like to pick a new name, Dan? Yeah, Barquevious.

Okay. I watch, I'm a big fan of the NFL, and I'm going to get a culturally inappropriate new name. Oh, you want like a made-up black name? Yes. Barquivus. Are you changing your surname as well?

Oh, yeah. If you could only change one, which would you change? That's what? Barcavius Nightingale's a cool name That is a good name Barcavius's his surname is Mingo So it'd be Dan Mingo We got you that anyway

Yeah It's just making it too easy for you I like Leonard me Always liked Leonard Because you like Lenny No, I just like Leonard I think Leonard sounds like Hard

Leonard opens his mail And that's one of my spiders I don't see to me Leonard fights Like Sugar Ray Leonard Leonard Like he's hard No

That's one fella Yeah That's his surname. Yeah, he'll be sugar plum, Leonard. Nice. Leonard, er, bro. Oh, my. Oh, I got.

Imagine that's a dramatic pause paid off so little. I'm going to go with, bro. Carter, first name, Carter. I like that. Oh, I like that. I think that's a cool name, Carter. I like that as a baby name. Carter, bro.

Your little boy, Carter, bro. I think Carter's a film name. Philmore Brown would have done great. I think so. And also, Les Compes would have fucked up your name introducing it. I imagine Odo Wale's had some...

Oro-Wra-N-A-L-L-A-L-L-A-L-L. Is anyone who's got more than two syllables in their say a name? Anyone gets it fucked up. Anglone gets fucked up. I remember when I started, Lewis Phillips Calvert was a lad. He started again, actually,

in last, like, year or two in Liverpool, but we started. the same time. His surname is double-barreled, Phillips Calvert. And no one could get that right. I think you were the only compere that beat the frog that ever was like...

Because I'm Calvert. And I'd it written down. So that was a big good way. Ooh. The thing is, when you knew the compere, if they're a pro, they couldn't really give a shit. Yeah.

Once you've been around a few years and people have seen you a few times, then your name starts... That's almost like the sign you've made it. If you've got a tricky name and people are... Like, Ramesh Rang... and Nathan had his name butchered, I bet, for the first few years.

And then as soon as you've got like a Perrier newcomer and you're smashing it, then everyone's going to take the time to learn the name. It's a footballers, isn't it? It's a new sign and you're kind of getting, you can't get it until a few months down the line. And you've heard it loads of times. You're like, yeah, got it. Well, for the first two or three years when he was at Everton,

Luca Dean was Dignay. Like the commentations would go, it's Lucas Dignay. It's like, no, it's not. Cavart Scalia as well. Like, no one got that. for ages. Is that the name of my bat? No one's got that right yet.

Do people still, do people do Bruno Farnash? Farnas. I can't you still say Fernandez. Nuno Mensh. Nuno Mench. Do you know what? Like, uh,

Oh, is that how is that in Portuguese? It's none Mench. Nen Mench, eh? I'm not doing that. It's creepy. At the World Cup, on one of the, because obviously we're watching it on the BBC and ITV, one of the channels,

as I think it's the BBC, but no, it's ITV. So on I-T-V, they've decided that the Ivory Coast are going to get their proper self-determined name. Cote d'Ivoire. But they're not doing this with anyone else.

They're not calling Germany, like, Dushland. They're not doing that. They've done Turkey. They're saying the new Turkey. Why? That's not what we call it. I know, I agree.

No, but it's their name, and it's in a world. But that's not the name they sell. It is now. Is it? They've changed their name to protect. It's not Holland anymore, is it? It never was.

It was. been Holland, you know? Holland's a point. In the Netherlands, they're not the same thing. They're not the same thing. When I was growing up, I'd say, Holland is a place in the Netherlands. Geo Varney Van Brancos plays for Holland.

Yeah, because we're stupid. Yeah, people would say it wrong, but it's never been like, uh, the Holland are playing. It's never been that. It's never been. Is it a region of the Netherlands? Yeah, so it's a part of the Netherlands. So how did that get messed up?

And then no one just started saying Holland. Yeah, it's probably us being lazy like, like, oh, it's mainly. Holland and that's easier to say than the Netherlands. It's like Cabo Verde. It's Cape you know. Yeah, they go about Cabo Verde, that's how you're saying. Rather than Cape Verde, what you say?

I don't think it's like all fault. That's just how it was presented to us. So they need to talk to their marketing teams. Yeah, we're just reading what you fucking wrote. We didn't make that up like Cape Verde, Capo Verde. Like, you gave, that came to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to talk to the messenger. And also it's Lee Dixon. He's not the fucking sharpest,

too, Lizzie. I thought he had a different name then. He wants it to pronounce Lee Dejean. That's his right. When you were, when you were Philmore Brown, were you doing a character or were you still you?

I was, I was me, but I like wearing a cardigan for those freaks. I feel like that. I feel like that's what he would do. So I would wear a cardigan, but it was still,

it was still mostly me. But it was like putting on the mask, like Jim Carrey when I put on the cardigan. I was like, yeah, I'm Philmore Brown now. I kind of like that idea, you know, like the idea of having like a character

that actually isn't a character. Yeah. Where you are being new, you are doing. doing the jokes you want to do. But you're like, you know what, I'd never wear that top,

but Fillmore would. Yeah. Do I mean? So you get away with her. Yeah. That top shite. Or film all wearing it, not me.

Yeah. I'm not wearing it. Some comics do have like an outfit though that's their sort of go-to thing and they put it on and that's them in the zone.

You've got a, you've got a, a, silhouette. Yeah, it'd be very easy to make a Dan Nightingale action figure.

Yeah. Yeah. I've got 12 of the same hats. It's just... Is that your superpower? No, I've got 12 of the same hat. It's autism.

What's the hat you like? It's a pork pie hat that I... Oh. Like a fedora? No, like a pork pie. Oh, behind him on the poster. He's on the poster behind him. It's like a narrow fedora.

I mean, it is similar to a fedora. It's not unlike a fedora. It's not. It's more like a fadora than that. He didn't say, oh, you mean a fedora. He said like a fedora. Why I'm getting defensive about my hat? a fedora.

Why don't you upgrade to fedoras? Oh, Dan. Okay. I would come and see you a lot more. I will start wearing a fedora if I'm allowed to change my name to Philmore Brown. You can't have Philmore Brown.

You know what? I'm ready for this second era. I wore a fedora to Will's wedding. Great. Yeah. But you didn't make it your personality. Dan I'd have to make the fedora. People didn't think he plays

like fucking Spiral the Dragon and stuff. Yeah. Also, you got away with it. You mean the big burgundy fedora you wore? You got away with it because it was Adam, at Will Hushby's wedding. Yeah.

If I walk on tonight in Congleton and a maroon fedora, I feel like, this drug dealer's lost his mind. You were a pina at my wedding, didn't you? Didn't you marry me,

my wife? Yes, I did. You talked to me about how you were going on stage when you just got ripped and you were going, people were going to think he didn't used to be ripped.

Like you were going on stage going, they're thinking, nah, you honestly, and this is the best compliment I can give you. I don't think it's going to be my own. It's the best possible. No, honestly it is.

I think a lot of people, when they're as fat as you used to be, when they lose the weight, they still have the big head. They look like a brat stall. Yeah, you haven't got the big head. But you haven't. But you never have a big head. You're more like a pea head back then, not your pee head suit your body. No, but it was chunky, one of.

It was a marrow fat pee. Yeah, Laura said it. It looked like I had had an allergic reaction to something. Yeah. On those old clips that other. the people post of us. You look like you've been stung by whaps. How did you do that?

How did you reduce your head size? Testosterone. I think the test makes it bigger eventually. That's tiny. When I lost weight, I lost weight about 10 years ago, 10, 11 years ago, and I just dieted and I just went running

and I massively reduced my calories. I was doing like a slim fast, like a version of the slim fast. You have one no carb meal and then some space food, basically. and I got down to about 10 and I was still doing cocaine and I'd got down to about 10 and a half stone and I look like a fucking bobblehead.

Have you seen what we do in the shadow? I've mentioned that again. Yeah, yeah. Do you know, with the vampire in the basement that they feed chickens to? He looked exactly like that. Nostvaratu essentially. Oh, really?

Slide that in now. Looks like Paul. Was the pork pie meant to distract from that or it's almost like there's so much going on you focus on a pork pie rather than the head. There's so many generic, bald, white. on the UK comedy circuit that go, I tell you what I need to do,

be a bit of a character and wear thicker framed glasses that there was bills where I was like, what are we doing? We all look like we're doing a Harry Hill tribute night and I thought the hat

would just make me feel special. You didn't change the glasses? I can't change the glasses. I'll tell you what I will say for you though. Most people would look stupid in a pork pie hat. Yeah. Do you mean?

You put a pork pie hat on most people they're like, why is that country in a porth fire? And on your head, people are just like, Dan Zad. So when you debuted, I'm fascinated by the port park, when you, when you debuted it. I can tell you when it was, Michael. Did anyone have anything to say?

It was at the Brighton comedian. Wow. Because I found it on the lanes. You know, the shopping, like, there's the north lanes and the south lanes. There's all the cool little found the hat. And that night, I rang my wife and I was like, I'm doing it on debut in the hat.

And were you nervous, like, oh, you know, the comic, they're going to know. What was post-lora? Yep. What? No. Yeah, he used to just go on bald. That's a Mandela effect then?

Yeah. Because when I knew you before, Laura. Everything's a Mandela effect now, even if someone's just forgot something. Yeah, that when I look back to you in blue, you had the hat on. Nah, he used to go on shiny. Yeah.

Wow. 12, 13 years of bold. Is there anything you guys would like to debut, but you're worried about what the reaction would be to your friends? I would love, genuinely, to feel comfortable just wearing my cowboy hats in Sefton Park

but I can't do it I just can't do it because if he asked 15 year old Adam can he wear a cowboy I'm not asked about that I'm not asked about 15 year old I mean there's a fucking idiot

why you're asked now because there's all the actual 15 year olds in the park who might ferocious at me I can't they're vultures I don't care about their opinion I can't be asked

having to punch their heads in do you know what I mean do you know what I mean now if someone's like who yaha That would happen. I would do that.

I know it will. And that's why I can't do it. You'd have to fight them. Is that the rule? All right, cowboy. Old this, Alex, take the dog. I'm going to twat some children. That will be a good slam

with loads of kids walk past and said, if you had a lasso attached, you wouldn't have to fight him. That's not a good look for a 34-year-old man in the park, is it? I've just for sewing kids. I've recently bought a flat-brimmed hat that I'm going to start wearing in the park. What?

Is it just the park hat? Because that's where I spend most of me time, man. Is it? The park. Trying to find 15-year-olds to abuse him. What do you think of this, lad? Go on. You're buying a park hat.

What do you mean? I'm just buying an app that I'll wear at not country events. That isn't a cap. This is just a bit, you know, it's a bit casual. I mean, I want my pork pie hat. Does you go to the park? Just go where the one case the king's there? What?

What? What is it? What is it? It's just a flap brim what? You've got to take it off. It's just a flat brim hat. Like what's behind you, is it?

Because that's not a cowboy hat, is it? No. Oh, the Undertaker's at? We've Googled it. That has got what you'd call a Western lift. Yeah. I agree. Adam, you're going to look like The Undertaker?

We've seen what that looks like. No, I'm not, because you're not looking at my hat. You're looking at a hat with a flat brim. Not all flat brimed at to the same cow. I just want to act that I can wear outside, like on a normal day that isn't a cat. Also, we're burying the lead that Adam even has this level

self-awareness that he's not. I honestly would have thought you'd walk out into Sefton Park with a hat on cowboy boots and fuck all else. I didn't even think this stuff registered with you. What about Feralzat? What do you mean? You know what Feralat is.

Got a very... Oh, the Ferala? Yeah. That was a big one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like a flat brim, but it just goes up, isn't it as well? But you need a Grammy for that.

You can't wear that. You want to see the one I'm getting. You can slide it. I'll be good in the park if it's raining. The Jemeda-A-Qaeda? Go on, send it to me. Jemeraquai. But he's got loads of my hats.

It's not undoable. Yeah, you wore that to the night before my wedding. Yeah. If you were Vinny Row, you'd have seven of them. Yeah, exactly. Sort of, yeah.

Yeah. I want an hat. A part of a cat? Where's the park hat? Finn can't wear hats. He looks like a terminally ill boy. Really? When he puts a cap on?

Yeah, it's really bad. Want to see? Oh, God. Let's see. But it's because of the way he wears it with his face, watch his face. I just put it on.

No, watch his face, his face changes. Ready? My face is going to be the same. Watch his face change. My face isn't going to change. Go on.

Do the sad ill boys. No, yeah, you don't look. You look ill. Yeah. You look like Nikki louder after the crash.

They didn't change my face at all. I feel like John Cena's about to walk in. You know what I mean? No, he can't wear that one. It's because you've got no hair here. Your eyes are too big. That's,

no, you suit that. No, that. That does actually wait. No, he doesn't. It's 21 Jump Street. It's like he's working for the feds going into a school.

Can I still get away with that? You can't, that's the worst one. It's worse than this. Yeah. For audio listeners. For audio listeners, it's all bad. Yeah, yeah. It's not great.

What's your accessory of choice, Michael? What's your go-to? What do you spend a little bit of... What would I... I like a... You've got a ring on there. I like a little ring. I like a little jewelry.

But I like a hat. I like a bucket hat. I went for a bucket hat phase I've done bucket hats at like festivals and stuff I want to wear a bucket hat more not at events I do like a bucket hat but then you're wearing a bucket hat aren't you yeah but you need to push past that don't you

yeah I think I'll start you weren't wearing these this is just in the wild because at festivals I think everyone's allowed everyone's in a bucket hat but I went for a bucket hat phase I think black people we get more leniency with the hats that we choose to wear I like a flat cap

like a beret I went through a beret stage in unit I think black people get generally more freedom with the fashion. Yeah, it's true. Be more experimental and it just looked better on black people than it does on white people. If you had a beret on now, it looked cool. If you had a beret on now, it wouldn't stop looking at it is there?

If I had a beret, I'd look like a conscious rapper. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm about to spit about the government. Or like a slam poet. Yeah, exactly. I could pull that off. I don't think you would. No.

I can I could do a beret? Oh, God, please. I think stick to one region. Yeah, it's stick to one region right now. You can buy a park, but ain't see what I'm. I want to wear leather trousers one time. I want to wear leather trousers. With the big boots.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be nice. I want to feel like blade. I think Ross, the episode where Ross had to be talcum powdered into his leather, I think that's done horrific marketing for leather pants. Kanye's trying to bring it back, though. Oh, well, then I'm on board. He's also trying to bring some other stuff back as well. He is.

But when we're just talking about pants. No, no, it comes as a package. It comes as you have to do the everything involved. As soon as the leather pants go on. But he was mentally ill though, won't he, Kanye? And now he's sort of said sorry, hasn't he? Yeah, he said sorry. He's put an apology in a Jewish newspaper.

He put it in Hebrew as well. Oh, he's translated it. Yeah. It doesn't think he did. Someone did. Well, the sentiment was there. Yes. But Kanye was always too big to be fully cancelled.

You can't make stronger and be cancelled. You know what I mean? It's just, the music is, it's too big. We bought Kanye tickets, the one that canceled. We were going. Really, to the one in our wireless. Yeah, he wasn't canceled. It's not canceled in my life.

Michael, as soon as they read that apology in Hebrew, they were like, well, buy tickets now. It's over now. I bought it before the apology. I think that's what I was inferring. I love Kanye that much. I think white boys love Kanye more than black people. I think there's just like,

it's just something bad. My first album I ever bought was Colin Stratford. Yeah, as my last album. And I listened to it until it broke. Yeah. So it's just in me? It's the first five albums in it. That's made him uncancellable.

Probably, yeah. And MJ as well. I just feel like you did nothing. Are you... Oh, Michael. We've spoken about this recently. Okay. Because we asked all of our girlfriends

and wives, do you think he's innocent? And they all came back and were like, yeah. And that blew our minds because we're all pretty certain that he was... Women, more likely to think

that he didn't do it. I think that he was being like in the room with him, but... Come on. I think he stopped there. Do you want to have kids one day? Nah, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. Would you let them sleep in mine? In your bed.

You didn't make thriller. You didn't make so, then... Juicy. Juicy is great, oh. No, but you, you're like, he was like a man, child boy. Nons. You don't make him sound better, though? That doesn't sound better.

I just, I just, I don't know. I know he was being inappropriate. I can't say for sure he was diddling him. I just, I just don't know for sure. And the back catalogue so good. This is too good. Do you know what I mean? Do you think he diddle?

Do you think he was definitely diddling? I think the fact that you don't is mental illness. Really? Yeah. Really? I think if that was anyone else, I would say they were dealing. With the same evidence,

if I told you that was Edward Norton, you'd be like, nah, not having it. Yeah. He's like, he didn't make,

he didn't make, he didn't like, he was in fight club. Yeah, he was in fight club. Oh, so maybe he didn't do. Or if he did? If he was Brad Pitt.

It was uncanceable now. Is anybody who's performing now is uncancellable? Zach Brian. probably Taylor Swift yeah I feel like she could do like genocide

I reckon enough people who hated it yeah I suppose Taylor Swift could do a genocide I feel like I didn't say that Have you seen the conspiracy that the hairs

and Travis Kelsey's relationship is a sham and he's actually a part-time policeman no that she's bisexual as well she had a relationship with Carly Coss

apparently it's you know like how back in the day like Hollywood would, like, agents would be like, right, we know you're gay. But just go and kiss that woman for a bit and let us take some pictures. So, who's the beard? Is Travis Kelsey the beard?

Is that each other's beard? So apparently she is a bisexual person and he is a gay man. Also, they've hired out Madison Square Gardens for the wedding. So they can hide her. So they can hide it? The clothes and all the road drowned and then you have to get a ticket to get into it. So no one can basically get. Yeah, but you're not hiding.

There's about 80,000 people are going to be there. We can't get to have to take pictures of her. 80,000 people going to the wedding. Isn't there... 25,000 MSG, I think. 25,000 people are going to the wedding. Apparently, that's how big MSG is, isn't it?

No, but you can turn it into what you want. Apparently, they're not having seats. Oh, that's a bit of a flex. 400 people at your wedding at Madison Square Gardens. Yeah. That's a lot of salmon and stuff that, in it? Yeah, a lot of salmon. That's the only...

Sounds like a eu from his... That was the only thing is stopping it. Imagine the case of there, though? What? Imagine trying to get everyone's RISVs right there. Oh, why can't they be in law? They could be in love. He's a, he's a, I think they are in love.

I don't believe. I don't believe that they're in love, but it's an easy conspiracy to throw in, isn't it? I just think people are just miserable and they don't like seeing people happy. So they're going, they're happy. So he must be gay. I don't think it would affect her brand

if she was a lesbian, no, no. I think it would probably help. Yeah. Yeah. She's all for the gals, isn't she? So if it was like, I'm all for the gals. Really for the gals. Yeah.

And also, he's done with the assmen. done with the NFL, isn't he? No, him? Travis. He's maybe got one more year in it, hasn't he? Has he retired? I don't know. I tell you, like, vagina is Whitney Houston.

She was a big fan. Was she a lesbian? Yeah, best friend. Best friend was her, I think her name was like Robin. And daylight were like fucking, but then she had Bobby Brown. She drowned. She was trying to look herself out.

Oh, that is, that was mental. That was mental. Leave it in. That was insane. Unbelievable. So fast and so sinister. No, don't try to... You die with that joke.

How much you love licking yourself out that you pass out? What could you possibly be saying, no? You said it? It's gone. It's sailed. It's 20 seconds ago. I need to breathe, but no, it feels too good, man.

I know. That was bad. But you know when that comes into your edge? You don't not say that. It's kind of shoots. It's like a David Blaine tricks. He's just fucking I'm going to munch myself out under water. I know.

Jesus Christ. Mike, where can we find you online? Find me on the Instagrams, man. Michael, de Walee comedy. Post like once a month. Nice.

Same. There's some good stories, though. I like a story. You know what I mean? Is it good shit once a month or? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good, some good stuff.

Very curated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just very like, you know, what's that word then? Yeah. I love the top, you know. Oh, thank you. What is it?

It's like a Portuguese football third division. It's always like in the third division or something where they just got some beautiful shit. Yeah, what's that one that you've got, Venetia? Venetia, yeah. The new one's Como, though. Como doing some nice shit. Yeah, yeah.

But they've got too big now, on there. Yeah, now Como in the Champions League, and's ruined it, but. Because now they're big time. You want that, don't you? Kick on, ma'am. Go on you do, Elko, you do when if you want, do Colmo? I guess it's the next big guy.

Do you do some have words? Mad? Did you just put speed round? Leave it? Leave it, then. I went to move the pages, press the wrong jingle, and that was jarring beyond belief.

There we go. It's trying to have a word, but then I'm Nathaniel. Vinny. Have a word. Ethan says, all right, gents, have a word with all women's retail shops

that don't cater for husbands and boyfriends by having seats. There's now worse than traipsing around shops with your misses and not having somewhere to park your ass while she's trying things on. Cheers, and that's from Ethan Parry. I'm going to have another word, a different word,

retail shops. I'm talking specifically about the ones that are multi-gendered. Okay. Put some of the fella's stuff. Once near the fucking door. On the ground floor. That'd be nice.

Just have, when we walk into a shop, just have that B.R.B. Instead of it's always, oh, are you a man, are you? Are you a man? You're going to climb over 45 dead bodies and seven flights of stairs. And then we've got four t-shirts and they're all for skinny muscular guns. Go on. Go and have a look. That's urban outfitters, isn't it?

Airman outfitters. Most Zaras. Liverpool doesn't count because it's got the two entrances. But almost every multi-gendered shop, you walk in. It's like, ooh, nice summer dressers. couple of skates, get your tits in knees. And then it's like, oh, you're a man-ar-ya. Share with the kids.

Yeah, bollocks. Also, man-seating shops are a must. I agree. A must. I don't know why, I don't know why this isn't, genuinely, isn't just a thing. But it isn't a lot of shops. There's not many, there's not many seats near the changing rooms.

There should be, like, a three-tier stand. I think in the shop, just have a little area for the fellas. They have to have to have to have to decide. shoes, don't they don't sell shoes, they're not doing it. Yeah. Do you like a sit down. We're all in agreement, Ethan. I, yeah.

Like a swing. It'd be nice. Oh, a little play area for husbands and boyfriends. Oh, my God, just FIFA. Oh. Oh, just daycare. Yeah, but then if I went over and someone was already on it and they were shite, I'd be like, fucking giz the Padgett Gimp.

I mean, then you're causing beef and stuff. Why don't Zara, poo and they're like, just have a licensed bar? In the corner near the changing room. Now we're cooking. A pub. Yeah. So hang on, you go shopping with your bed. Do you just go to the pub?

Yeah. You're going to the same place. You're spending time together. You can have a pint and a half. She can shop for a bit. And as she comes back, she's like, what do you think of this one? You're like, fucking great.

That's great. Because women love shopping and men love the pub. I love shopping more than my mrs. She hates her. She especially had shopping for herself as well. Like, I have to be like, put that on. but she likes it abusive gay partner

you better put it I'm a stylist she likes my eye for aesthetic what I'm a stylist what when we go out

I'm like yeah we'll put that with that get you some shoes Seneca's best clothes I bought them all and I bought all of her shoes

What yeah Seneca's best dresses I bought them I picked them Seneca's best jackets and stuff I bought them

Are they her best Are they No her favorite their favorite stuff is all the stuff I bought Yeah, same for me. All Laura's clothes that she likes.

I bought underwear, just gets sizes. She loves it jamming her fucking ass into knickers that don't fit. Bras that don't fit. Yeah, it's great. I love buying a something that she loves. It's sick. It's on power buying myself something.

Yeah, it's more for me. Like, if I'm like, I was putting... Adam's her stylist. You've got to... I was pottering around London at the weekend and I was like, ooh, that dress with mine beds, beck and stocks. That had worked.

bought her, put her on her, she fucking loved her. Put it on her. Come here. Yeah. So that's what you need to do so. Get a bar and then Adam can shop for his lady and she can just drink at the bar. Yeah, that is what would happen. Class.

Do you like shopping? You're shopping? Have you got that thing where I can walk into a shop and know what I'm looking for, but no, the shop doesn't have it. By just looking. You're a terrible shopper. I'm good for myself.

You're great for Cereka. Why am I a bad shopper? You're good for Cereca. because with Sereka, you're like, you care more about it and you care about yourself. So you go in and you'll scan every item to try and find it, you'll walk, you do what you do.

Yeah. And you're wrong. You walk in and you go, they haven't got a fucking clue where they've got it. Walk in and they go, it doesn't feel like they, do you know,

you're shopping for something? Yeah. But you don't know if it exists. But you can see it. Like it hasn't been invented you? No, like, you're like, I want this. Like I want a linen shirt

that's white and green stripes with double pockets and you're like, I've seen that inside of them. I want hover shoes. I do. I do want hover shoes. But you walk in,

you go, these haven't got it. Yeah. Do you don't you like just ordering? I'll never order clothes online. Really? Very, very, very, unless I can't get it in a physical shop. I like having,

I like the action of having the thing. Yeah. If, and it's the same as we know this, if I can order something online and it comes in three days and it costs 100 pounds. Yeah. Or like a drive to the shop and have it in half an hour

and it costs $120. I will drive to the shop and have it. I'd love to have like a tailor, like a short Italian man, fills you up a little bit every now, you know, when he's measuring you, but he just gets it right. You know what I mean?

You have a coffee with him. That'd be nice. I think that's a milestone or a bucket list thing that I didn't realize he's massively important to me, but now you've just said it. Yeah.

I think everyone should be measured up for a fucking proper suit. Not for a wedding, not for like, oh, we're going there. Because we sort of did that for your wedding. Yeah. But just go in and get in the full.

Yeah. I got measured up. I mean, it was off the rack suit, but like they tailor it to you from there. I bought a suit from Ralph Lauren recently to take for, I'm going to New York for Jack Finnegan's brother's wedding. It feels good. You feel like a man.

Yeah. Like make this fit me person. Yeah. Yeah. But I think it's just that feeling of having a guy. I go a suit guy. Yeah. I like that.

I do that. I collect guy. Yeah, like having just guys. I've got a masseuse guy now. Have you? Yeah, I got a masseuse. Yeah, you need one of them. Yeah, you need a masseuse guy.

Had you tried a guy that you go to for regular masseusin? Yeah, yeah. Assum me up, please. Mase me? I've been masseused a lot this year. So I love a massusin. Yeah. But like I just go to a certain, like I'll just go to a spa and be like,

if there's any woman that's on today. No, you need someone that knows your body. It's the same as like the tailoring. They know. Yeah, but even when they don't. It's all right, isn't it? It's fine. Well better when they know.

Yeah. When they know your body. When they got the notes on you. Yeah, yeah. And they talk to your body. Like this guy, like, there's a knot in my back and he said, I just spoke to it. And he's like, just get out of here. He sounds mentally, Michael, he sounds really unwell.

Get out of here. He's talking to your shoulder. Nauty knot. Get out of Michael's shoulder. That sounds bad. But no, because, like, there's that book about the body keeps the score. So he's like, you've got to talk to you because your body communicates with you. So you got to communicate back.

and sometimes it's like the back whisper there's a guy who can just talk out the knot. I guess he could do it in silence. Is it ever a moment when he says something you got, were you talking to me? And he goes, now I was talking to your back. No,

no, I kind of know when there's the back because it's a bit more aggressive. Like, get out of you. It's like an exorcist. Surely you know it's the back because you can feel it on your back.

Yeah, yeah. But that's when the talking to the back happens. Like, get out of here. Yeah, but it'd be mad if he was like massaging your back and talking to your legs, wouldn't it? Get out of here.

There's definitely no one. else in the room. It's just me and him in the room. Well, where's he from? Where's this guy from? Why don't? I need more. It's like Eastern Europe.

He's Eastern Europe. Yes, I've got a check lady. Yeah. I've got a little... She makes his checks. She's my accountant. Yeah. She massages the figures and my body.

She's your accountant and your masseuse. No, she's just my masseuse. Okay. She's, I wouldn't trust her with the books. No. But she's never... She's never talked to any body part. She's never talked at any body part.

No, it's definitely optional. What if you spoke to you, is yours a man? My back. No, no, he's... Is it a man? It's a bad, yeah. What if you went, let me have a way with your penis?

What if he did that? I don't know what I would do. He was like, listen, I, to have a chat with your penis, man. Come on. He's asked me to kiss it. That would happen. He wants a kiss.

Is he allowed to kiss? Like a dog. Is he allowed a treat? Come here. Professional's professional, you know. I gotta let him do what he's got to do. You know what he's got to do? Yeah, because he knows what he's doing.

doing. It might be some secrets that your penis have got about your back. Because they say it's all connected, like your foot connects to your eye. Exactly. Your dick connects to, you know, oh, your soul.

Mine's my balls. Ben says, have a word. Just got back from the cinema. Have a word with a mental fuck who brought a toddler to Devil wears Prada to. Little shit running around screaming. Additionally, have a word with a member of staff who, when we complained,

told us under 12s are allowed in with an adult. That wasn't the fucking point. was making and that's from Ben. Anyone who takes a toddler to anything where like silence or being quiet or decorum is like implied or necessary for the thing to be a thing they should just be shot and have the kid taken off them

in that order. Yes. I'd have gone to ask to leave first and then if they say no then we can play out of it. Toy Story is doing adult only viewings because they know how much kids ruin everything for everyone. Yeah? Yeah and the Toy Story 5 is. made for kids.

100%. So we have specialist Devil wears Prada. They know they've got another audience as well. Yeah.

Yeah. You can't have a child-friendly devil-wared Prada too. It's not like overly swearing and no one's getting bummed in the opening credits or whatever it isn't it? That'd be a 15. Yeah.

But what kid wants to watch Devil Wears Prider too? They don't. It's just a mum going eh just because I've had a baby doesn't mean I can stop having fun. Jackie does whatever she wants. Jackie is taking little Billy to the cinema. The two bifters.

Oh. We're watching Devil Wears Prada, two, two Bifters, one for each film. Jackie does need shooting. Two bifters and a toddler at Devils Wear Prada. Go on, Billy. You ever had a kid in your show? At the fringe. Yeah, saying.

Yeah. I always just say cunt early early. Yeah, just the kind of. Like, just be like, hey, like I'll, I remember hosting big value in 2014, like, there'd be regular kids in because the show was at half 12. And I was always like, oh, this is an adult show. Are you like with your kids in swear words? and the dad would go, yeah, and I'd be like, right, what do you know?

And he got like, Timmy! And I go, hey, Timmy, your dad's a fucking noncy little cund. And I get a laugh and then I just crack on. Yeah, yeah. How young was the kid in the Big Value? Four. Wow. Timmy?

Oh, dear. There is something about fringe shows. Parents who take their young teenage kids to the fringe are like, no, I decide that it's fine. No, but it makes it weird. It is weird. Because it's not... If you call the dad an noncy country, you know, everyone's fine. Just sort it all out.

How old are you? I'm 15. Maybe Timmy. Bigger problems. That's got bigger problems. Connor O'Donnelly says, I'll have a word for you. My girlfriend and I both work on event sites.

I'm mostly office and admin side while she's more hands-on site. Last week, she spotted two lads riding on the arms of a forklift while it was driving across site. Probably shouldn't be doing it, but a bit of man play and quite funny. Instead of telling them to get down, she reported them and they both. ended up with written warnings. I called her a health and safety nonce and said she'd grass them up.

Now she's fuming with me. Have a word with her for being a rat. Love the pod. That's from Connor. She's never going to let you drink drive. Even if you've had like three shandies, she's going to be like, oh, call the police.

She's a gimp. Why didn't he call the police? She's just a mood, Hoover, isn't she? Yeah, it's bad charting it. Come on. It's a man plate. They're a report, then. Yes.

There only work in the office, didn't she report them to him? I don't know I don't think she's reported them to the bosses Gimps Men will play We like to play Yeah

Boys will be boys you could say Yeah I also think it's Sometimes with your misses I get it That there's going to be moments Where she's having a little go at you But to be annoyed

Because you've gone Oh fucking hell You've been a bit rough there To be like Well now I'm fuming with you I've got Connor this is more about The person you've picked

I'm worried long to loser? I've got one more. Do the t-shirt one. Anonymous. Hi Lids. Have a word with my friends. Went out for a birthday meal with four

other mates, had a good time, but at the end I was for some reason nominated to pay and they would send me money. What? Oh, I thought it was just your. Then one plays the big bollocks and says we will all

pay for the lad whose birthday it is. I have ended up paying nearly double what I orders and they haven't sent me enough to make it up. Do I shut up and stop being tight or say something? Love the pod. Have a good one. I think say something. You say something. You say something. It's tough and it depends who they are as well. Never ever, ever let anyone take the piss harder you. Nah. Ever? No, but hang on. Going out with everyone and the person who's birthday it is getting their meal covered. That's good. That's right. That's all fine. Yeah. but then it's nice to be in a position

where you don't have mates where you're worried about the tight cunt trying to dip out of the barrel. Asking someone for money they owe you might be one of the worst things in the world and it's so normal. If you want me 50 quid, I'd be like, can you send me the, you feel like a dicker?

It feels horrible, and then you think the person nature be like, no, hang on you, do owe me 50 quits. But also, I think this is kind of on you because at some point you've got to do that. You've got to go, hey, you know, send us that money. but you, it's up to you to go,

I paid this, this is what you owe me. These people can't just be making up numbers and sending you there. Yeah. You've got to go, you own me 40 quid. Put in the group chat and go, boys, remember that money? Then it's like boys, isn't it?

Yeah, rather than go, you owe me 50, you want me sick old. Boys, don't forget that money from the day. And then they're bad dickheads if they don't send you a. Rather than individually bitching. Yeah. Just put it on the group.

Also, this has to be a split bill. Do I mean? This has to be, we're just dividing it. Yes. You can't go, I'll cover it all. But remember what you're hard. And then you send me Get new friends

Yeah Not having it I don't know We've just been away I've just been away With the boys Yeah To Albaferra

And like Rob Moore Hollins A Vegetarian Who doesn't drink And at one steakhouse Binty had What's the one that sounds like Charbon Chateaubrionne

Chateaubriand A Sheringstee Yeah he's a fucking giant He's a big boy He's a big boy Yeah No there's exceptions To the rule

I know But the initial one was like Oh we'll just How much does everyone... I think alcohol changes it as well. Alcohol does change it. If you're getting some bottles of wine and my man's getting Diet Coke.

Yeah, it has to be just in the same universe. Yeah. Like having a fucking lettuce while someone's having a Chateaubriand and Binty's having four brandies and you're having a water or a Diet Coke. You're not in the same universe. You can't split that.

But if you have... If I have, I reckon, like, the standard rump steak or like Ceyloin or whatever and you have a hunter's chicken and there's like six quid between them. You're splitting it. Yeah. That's fine.

Yeah. That's fine. Yeah. That's fine. What if Steve gets one of his 600 kilo T-bones, though, Dan? What are you doing then? Yeah, but he's enabled by you cunt, isn't he? And also, we love Sting.

Old Stinky bins, he can eat. But there was a point where we're going out, Michael, we were going out for staff meals. He was the most expensive restaurant in Liverpool, and old stinky bins was having $140 quits. He's allowed it for fucking. lunch. Like, do you know what happened?

Right? So me, Carl and Dan own the company and we'll take the boys for dinner today. We're going Hawksmore. Nice. And they had like the specials on the board and they had a porterhouse staking. They had like a load of options.

And I said, you know what? I'm going to fucking big. I'm getting a porterhouse. And Carl was like, so am I. Okay. At that point, are you going to tell a member of staff that we love... Yeah.

We got the bill and Dan was there going, we'll stay at a porterer. No, I didn't. Maybe he should pay half of his bill. No, I didn't. That's not true. Also, he just held it. for three years.

A fucking vegetarian has been dragged to the best steakhouse ever. He had a side portion of mac and cheese. And spinach. That's it. And then this is when I complained. A month later. Tell you what,

lads. I know we're going out for lunch. Who fancies Hawksmore? No! I'm all right. Steve can have a meal deal like he always has doesn't need a hundred and fifty pounds steak. It was like 150 pounds steak.

Ah, sorry. Bell's on last week. Mate, I'm telling you that for certain. My man, it's in. That's a special occasion, no? Let's start off meal. Oh, yeah. We've just finished a page

an exclusive record. We need to celebrate with 150 pound steaks and a six pound side of macachies. It was like 75 quid. Yeah, it was. Lord. It was about two years.

It was not. Yes, it was. Yes, it was. Yes, it was. It was 70 to 80 quits. Yeah, but he had 19 sides. He's a hungry boy. Personally, I don't like doing rounds.

It never made. I don't know there's like black wife. It just never made sense to me because there's always that person watching you like see how fast you finish your drink. Yeah, there's one alcoholic. Yeah. And I'm like, let me do, let me finish my thing. You do your thing.

I don't like, I know someone always gets fucked over with the rounds as well. So I think there's a couple of things here. I think first of all, when you've worked in hospitality. Yeah. Have you done that? A little bit. You, you resent people who come in and order one by one.

Really? Like, if us, like, six of us go into a pub and what, you've got to go six times, what do you want, right, make it, go to the till, bring it up, it's a car machine, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Just get, just get champagne for Steve. And you wait for pills? Just get the bottle. Just get the bottle. Like, they want you to just go, we'll have this, this.

It's better for them, right? Also, the, I don't know whether people actually know the inception of, like, rounds and sort of the reason for, you. 40. Okay. The reason for rounds, and maybe you'll disagree with this from the exact opposite side, which I think is, I think this is a concept that you can either be all in on or all against. The idea of doing a round is no matter what we're all drinking, no matter what we're

choosing, whether I want Guinness or vodka and Coke or whatever, the nighthouse is costing us the same. Right. So it costs us all the same money to have a night house. Some socialism. Depending on what are. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, that's what a round's four.

It's like, oh, I can only afford three drinks, you're going to have five. It's like, no, well, we'll go in a round and we'll have four each. Yeah. Because mine might be a little bit more expensive, but that's all I drink. And it keeps the rounds equal for everyone.

Yeah, you're boxing your boys off. It's true, you know. It means you can order. Whatever you order. I've got a phobia of carrying more than four drinks at once. Yeah, so I don't, I don't, like, I never like that. And you go swivel round the people. I just never.

Oh, I don't ever feel better than where I think four is the maximum, though. I've seen people with like the fucking... Carrying four pints at once from the bar to the table. I never feel better. I can't eat, but I'd have to put me fingers. With a bag of crisps in your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hunter-gatherer shit, that. Yeah, that is some real alpha shit. Do they like hunters' chicken? I don't know what hunters' chicken. What the fuck is a hunter's chicken breast? Right. Grilled. Yeah, I'm with you so far.

With barbecue sauce laden over that. I'll have it on the side. That's not a hunting's chicken. I guess you're not having the milk. barbecue sauce. Yeah, you'd have something else. Well, then I can decide how much barbecue sauce. No, they put enough on to make the meal good.

But I can judge that. No? Barbecue sauce, I understand. Like someone who's job it is to judge that, I can judge that. They don't know me. They don't know my sauce needs. They don't know your story. Thank you.

Grilled chicken breast, barbecue sauce, bacon, and then melted cheese. Oh, it's all things I like. It's too busy. If I go out in a group... If I go out in a group... If I go out in a group, I'll just pay my bill when I go toilet. I don't like to do the divvy enough.

I just want to get mine out the way. That feels sneaky. No, it feels... We're going to fall out, my... Miguel, I'm not having it, bro. Hey, you can come to Hort's Moe with me anytime, rule. Let me handle what I pay for just at the side. Nice and classy.

Do you know what I mean? I'm not doing it. Do you mind? I'll go when I'm going toilet. Hey, let me just... I'll have this, this and this. It's done. And you and you guys can, you know, fight amongst yourselves. I'm done. I'm out.

Has I ever got... You must have got some stick about that. over the years. I've got some stick for that. But I'm always like, what are you mad at, actually? Yeah, you've paid your shit. I just paid my,

because I don't want to do divvying up and someone's like, oh, but I had do, do, do, do. And then some might have like a Victoria meal of like, just like a leaf. And then we got a like, you know what I mean? It's just, let me just divvy up what I had.

And then. What about if you're there with your partner, though? Because you can't go, stop a boy, pay your office. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I paid mine. I don't know what, you know. She can's all about.

What? 75 pound for a porthrosse, by the way, and we're pressed by then. There must be an offer on. Because in my confabulated Mary, it was at least 180 quid. We'd have never allowed Steve to have that.

I was a dinner. It was a very big order. Three of them on the bill. I think, yeah, it was pushing a lot of money for the... It's a 600. You've got to spend 600 quid on lunch. It's important. Team building.

And mac and cheese for a vegetarian. It was way more than 600. Yeah. That is an episode, ladies and gents. Michael Adewale! Oh, thank you for having me. Oh, Michael Laudeau. I'm on tour.

Dan Nightingale and Friends starts in August, runs right through to February. It's all over the shop. Got some very funny mates, Dan Nightingale.com for the tickets. Some of the shows... They're not going to be there. He's just flexing.

Adam's hilarious. I've got loads of mates. He's one of the best standards around. He's not there. I'm on tour as well. Adam Row. You can. He will be there at that one.

that's a show off your pop going by film club tickets imagine they're on sale at this point maybe maybe you run it

you don't have to imagine no because it's on sale now and I hope it is my sati it will be whose job is that yours no everyone runs the cinema so map

put your finger out of your ass nice guy though thanks for coming in Michael appreciate you thanks for having me man see everyone bye for let's be yeah