Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #39 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

Thanks to our sponsors Beer52.com, TransAlloy Wheels LTD and Vauxhall Comedy Club, follow us @haveawordpod and find us on YouTube. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, guys? It's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month, and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

Past themes have been the beers of Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa and many, many more. And they've kindly given our listeners an exclusive offer. You'll get a free case of eight beers, an award-winning beer magazine and a tasty snack the second you sign up. They'll send them out in the post here. And you can't catch Corona from the post. All you have to do is pay a

few quid for the delivery and you can cancel or pause your membership at any time. Sign up now at beer52.com slash word. That's our exclusive link. That's B-E-E-R 52.com slash W-O-R-D. You'll claim your free case of beer, and for every person that signs up via that link only, they slide us a little bit of money.

That supports the podcast. It helps us out. It's win-win. So do us a favor. Pause the pod here. Go and do that now, and then enjoy the episode Nice one

See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Now I'm getting the word Nuts Cha Upset me

Nasty bitch Catch me outside How about that I'm big bonded I'm heavy structured I'm hung low If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting!

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. With video on YouTube, on social media, at Have A Word Pod, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. Have a word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together. Sweet. What are you munching on, you little fucking munchkin? Some beef Space Raiders.

Classy lad. Classy fucking lad. They are an elite crisp, aren't they? No. The Space Raiders. No, they're full of nostalgia and fucking E-numbers and shit. It'd be good on a fucking good kit sponsor, though, wouldn't it? Space Invaders.

You know, it'd be a lower league team that got sponsored by Space Invaders, but I'd fucking take it over some of the dross-like insurance companies. Space Raiders. Space Invaders is the scratch card. What? The scratch card? It's the old computer game. Yeah, but there was the scratch card what the scratch card it's the old computer game yeah but there was a scratch card when I was a kid I used to get my neighbours to buy me scratch cards

was it Tony the Smaghead by any chance no it wasn't it was my mates mum my mum would buy them for me as well if I asked her to but you didn't want to share the winnings I didn't want to have to pay the fucking lechy bill for as well if I asked the same. But you didn't want to share the winnings. I didn't want to have to pay the fucking lechy bill for a month if I won. Right, finally. He's fucking

earning. I once won 88 quid twice in two days on the Space Invaders scratch cards. I won 88 quid and I gave it to my mates to cash in for me. I said, get me the 80 quid and get me four more Space Invaders scratch cards. I won 88 quid and I gave it to my mate, Mark, to cash in for me. I said, get me the 80 quid

and get me four more Space Invaders scratch cards for the other eight quid. And on one of those four, I won another 88 quid. Amazing. And she just cashed it in for you? There was no, like,

mum tax? No. Did you not have to pay a little bit of a percentage? No. She was sound, wasn't she? You can't be charging kids for cashing in their lottery winnings.

Well, I mean, legally, you can't be buying scratch cards for kids. I mean, if we're getting into the do's and don'ts of it, but, you know, it's Dovey rules, isn't it? Did you ever start, did you start gambling when you were a kid, or? I don't gamble at

thirty fucking nine I can waste you're not the best on like the Grand National oh yeah but I I feel like that's just to be to just do something

with everyone else in it like if I'm left to my own devices I'm not like right this is going to be really good fun but like Laura comes back from work every year

and they've gone like they've gone got a little pot of, like, oh, God, we've all picked a name out and I've got, you know, whatever the fucking stupid name is. You're talking about a sweepstake. Yeah, is that a sweepstake? I really don't gamble at all. I'm not a gambler at all. Our mate Rob Thomas, who's a comedian, stroke taxi driver,

sorry, taxi driver, stroke comedian, and he's a big NFL fan and he literally loves betting shit. On our Facebook forum, he's like, I fucking bet you a none-nose. I bet you a none-nose that this doesn't happen. And I went too early on something. I said the Jacksonville Jaguars were going to be good. The year after, they were like the third best team in the fucking whole league. And that year, he was right.

They were dog shit. And I had to buy him a Nando's. We bet a Nando's. And actually, that's not a bad thing to lose. Because then you get to have a Nando's with your mate. In fact, bet Nando's. I can do that once in a while. But it stung me so much, the feeling of losing a bet.

It's four years later. And just yesterday, something happened in the NFL. There was a bet. It's four years later, and just yesterday, something happened in the NFL. There was a trade, and I was like, oh, they're going to be shit anyway. And he was like, I bet you are Nando's. And I was like, oh, God. Oh, God, the pressure's back on. Fucking hell, and he's a big lad.

He wants a starter as well. Yeah. You've got to get a starter in Nando's, though. I'll bet a Nando's. That's what I'll bet. Occasionally, I'll bet a Nando's, that's what I'll bet occasionally I'll bet a Nando's but I can't deal with the feeling of dicking like when you were talking about stocks and trades yesterday I love the idea of it

but I'd be so fucking fuming if I got it wrong I've decided against investing for now because the market's just too volatile at the minute Daniel and it's very unpredictable oh totally, so you're just going to put the 10 grand into scratch cards I was going to

I was going to it was either bitcoin or oil or fucking scratch cards and I just went with what I know do you know what I mean I just kept it safe

from the age of like 13 I used to do the lottery every week and then I stopped from the age of 13 yeah when I to do the velocity every week and then I stopped from from the age of 13 yeah when I started making a bit of money

selling me stuff on the island oh here we go on the street the street traded the velocity fucking the dove cocktail boy

so you who bought that your mum's your mum's mate did the she did no my mum would just get the velocity for me

but it was specifically your ticket oh yeah yeah I gave her the money for me but it was specifically your ticket oh yeah yeah I gave her the money for it right right there's a lot of fucking like underage betting

on her isn't there that I just I just didn't expect what would how did that go if you won the lottery at 13 would your mum just be like

yeah I've won it Adam's turning up in a gold plated fucking BMX to school I wasn't greedy as a kid, you see, so I didn't play the lottery. I used to play the hot picks, which is where you pick three numbers

and if you get them all in, you get 450 quid. So I wasn't trying to win millions. I was just trying to get 450 quid. To be fair though, 450 quid when you're a kid is like, that's pretty much 1.3 million pounds isn't it

that 160 quid that I won in back to back days on those Space Invaders scratch card I spent the last of that yesterday it lasted me a while this is a totally true story my dad was paying maintenance after he fucked off he was paying 200 quid maintenance for my sister 200 quid maintenance for for me and the checks there's

like a couple years where this happened and the checks would come in and my mum once picked up my paying in book because we were all nightingales and we all banked with nat west i had a little kiddie account that, you know, they used to send you a letter going, this is how much interest you've accumulated on your 12 pence that you've got in your account. You're like, NatWest, you're fucking losing money telling me how little money I've got in my account.

And she picked up the wrong pay and in book, went to NatWest, put 400 pounds into what she thought was her account and was actually my account i am 14 years old and one of those stupid letters comes through the post this is about a month later i get my little balance because i get no post because i'm 14 and no one's writing to me open it up expecting to see 47 pence that you can do fuck all with and see 400 pounds and 47 pence shit it and like a sneaky little bastard like i am i went oh that's good isn't it so i was like right this is a mistake but i want the money so instead of telling mum because she was so honest she'd have literally we'd have been at the bank the next day, like, right, can we

tell, let's sort out what's happened, and I knew I was going to lose the money. So, I tried to ring Nat West as a 14-year-old. I had the most awkward conversation. I was like, hi, can you trace checks? And I don't know how the fuck I managed to

on my own, find the number. I'm ringing off the landline, back in the fuck, it's like 1995. And the woman was so shit in me, she was like, how do you mean? What do you mean? How are we meant to trace a cheque? And I literally, I remember thinking, right, fuck you, that's all the information I need. And the next week was the biggest ball in, fuck it,

it wasn't Christmas money and it was completely unaccountable. I bought a Walkman. I just went to the sports shop and bought a Newcastle kit for the fucking sake of it. But then I had the problem of having to justify all the money to my mum.

So I had to pretend that I was spending Christmas money that I'd saved. What a fucking lie that was. I'd just Christmas money every year by like January the the 5th i was like yeah and i got this um walkman it was 110 quid in 1995 that's now worth 400 grand right i was like yeah i got this walkman it was 25 pounds my mum was so daft and like dealing with

the separation and being a single mum she was like oh that's good value. Had all these clothes. I was bawling. Then one morning, maybe another month later, obviously mum gets her bank statement through and there is not that 400 pounds in it. And she knocks on my door. And my mum was about four foot 10 in ginger and I've never seen that little fucker so angry looking because she knew straight away what had happened and i was bigger than her at 15 years old i had to forcibly you know in the

films where someone's trying to knock a door down there's like a there's like zombies or something trying to bang the door down i had to close the door on her because i think she'd have killed me i i think i'd have been murdered by my own little ginger midget of a mum she took one of her shoes off to try and beat my bedroom door down I could hear a shoe going off the door and thank fuck I was 14 I pinned the door so she couldn't get in

I've never been treated so badly for like 48 hours my mum had done that thing of like I'm disappointed but it was a whole level of like it was like i'd killed her parents like i've killed nana and granddad it was that level of disappointment and then it sort of ticked over into oh fuck i just don't know i could you know like eventually you feel you get bored of feeling bad so i was like i just i'm don't feel bad anymore

she was like well it's still bad how How are we going to account for this money? Because I've spoken to Nat West and there, and you know, that money's just been spent. And I want the Walkman. I want you to sell it. And whatever money we make, because you threw the receipt away, everything, I was getting blag, blag, blag.

And eventually I just went, I remember being on the floor watching some shit TV program. I was like, mum, isn't it their mistake anyway? Because if you use my paying in book, the check said Norman Nightingale. It didn't say Dan Nightingale, Daniel Nightingale. So it's their mistake, isn't it? She was like, well, that's not the point, is it? That's not the lovely moment where the tide just completely turned.

She went, that's a really good point. to and she went that's that's a really good point about about five hours later nat west had put the 400 pounds back in her account i kept all the shit and i had to pay up i had to set up a payment plan to nat west we i remember going in we had to see the bank manager and they were like right daniel obviously it was it was a mistake and uh we understand my mom was like he's you know he's he hasn't even got a paper round anymore they were like what can you afford it was 50p a month that's what my mom set up how much of a fuck you is that i was i was in the dog house and they were like what months and we sat down and the payment plan was like 50 pence a month and and and the bank manager you

could tell he was like uh are you gonna step in mum and she was like no he hasn't got any money you know because he's at school he's not lost that paper on him and she just sat there like my fucking accomplice and i probably still owe about i'd say 280 quid of that fuck knows it was one of the most amazing moments in my life when I was like the tide turning for him like you're in the shit, you're in the shit, what about that mum oh yeah you're fine, nice one

let's go and fuck over a bank manager it was tremendous and I was like, my new threads I was like fuck the system amazing with your earphones in from your walk when taking it out to listen to the bank manager, say what And I was like, my new threads, I was like, fuck the system. Amazing. Don't stop there with your earphones in from your walk when taking it out to listen to the bank manager. Say what? I'm listening to the bank manager, motherfucker.

Is this kid even from Newcastle? Oh, I've got a sort of reverse story. When I was a kid, me and my little brother set up a savings box. It was a cardboard box with covered in green tape and we would just put like if we went to me nan and grandad's got a bit of pocket money we'd put it in there, you know if I ever won anything on the loss of it, we'd put it in there

just little savings box and we were saving up for something, I can't remember what it was and then one day I went to me mum me and Jack are going to open the savings box count how much we've got she went no no no you don't want to do that you you really don't want to do that you don't want to you don't want to be when you just leave it in so you're going to use it like no no we just

want to see you know it's been in there for like six months we want to see how far we've got we go to my nan's every week she gives us like four quid a week each we've been putting that in if you know any change from whatever it's all in there. We're just on the council. I think you should just leave it in there for a bit. And I was like, mum, it's my box. You've got no right to tell me I can't open it.

She's like, right, we'll fucking open it then. We opened it, it was about three quid, innit? And what had happened was, me mum and dad had just got super skint and couldn't afford to pay the bills.

So they'd gone, probably was 100 quid and Adam and Jack's box. We can just borrow that and replace it when, they come to open it but then like a week later we'd opened it and it was still skint adam and jack's pennies fucking 50 pence love you do you know what i've just remembered i think i've suppressed this memory oh my god i can see it in your eyes we we our tv right was from like either bright house or something along those lines, right? Can I play our tune for this?

Go on, go on. The way you would pay the telly off is there was a box on the back of the telly and you would put a pound in it and it would give you six minutes of TV time. What? Did you grow up in a Welsh B&B? You can google this I swear to god

so if you if you hadn't put a quid in the back of the telly the telly wouldn't turn on what year was this I feel younger than you sorry was the wireless still working

you used to put a penny farthing in early 2000s right so if you wanted to watch 6 minutes of telly you'd put a quid in if there was like a film you wanted to watch you'd have to put you know whatever in every film costs 6 quid like

buying off iTunes and then every week a man would Every film costs six quid. What are you fucking buying off iTunes? Go on. And then every week, a man would come with a key, a special key, and he'd empty the tray and count it. And he'd go, right, you've put 120 quid in this week,

so that's coming off your telly bill. Oh, God almighty. Did he have horns and a pitchfork? Because essentially, that guy's the fucking devil. Yeah, right, I'm coming for your TV money. Open the back of the TV. It was a way of buying a big flat-screen TV.

Right, right, right. But I was having to have the money to buy it. That jangled. Don't move the TV, it jangles. the TV, it jangles. I remember one time my mum was just skinned and she was like, look, I've only got a pound. We can't watch the

telly today. You're just going to have to go and do something else. Play board games or whatever. And I was like, Mum, why don't we just open the fucking thing? And she went, what do you mean? I went, why don't you just open the back of it? There's loads of pounds in there and she's like no you won't be able to do that

so I just went over and hit it and as soon as I hit it the back come off so I gave my mum all her quids back I was like yeah mum here's all your pounds

she was like but now the telly is not going to work and I just put a pound in it and it come right out the bottom so now I had unlimited

telly because I took the back off and then when the fella wasy because I took the back off. And then when the fella was due, I just put the back back on with like 30 quid in it. Right. And he was like, this is 30 quid. It's normally a lot more than that.

We were like, just haven't been watching much TV this week. The TV had been on every second of every fucking day. We've just been reading loads. We've just been... That's like when you... Have you ever had a mate with like i remember daniel appleton his parents were the landlords of the fleece in pemberton in preston where i'm from and we went to we just literally went to his house and he was like do you want to play pool and i was like oh god what's pool 50 be a time just got this key just click i remember seeing it it was like magic oh, God, what's pool? 50 beer time. Just got this key. Just click. I remember seeing it.

It was like magic. It's exactly what you've gone through for the telly and just clicked in. So the pound just dropped in. And that was the first time I'd ever seen that. I was like, oh, my God, Daniel Appleton's a fucking baller. That's the TV equivalent. I love it how you're the Fonz and you just punch the back of the TV and the money comes out. Like, hey!

I think I hit it with like a PlayStation pad or something. I think I just picked my thing up and just twatted it. And it was literally the first hit. It just like broke off. And I was like, yeah, I'm on. Like 200 quid there. She was like, oh my god, this is amazing. Because she had like no money for shopping or anything. So I gave her 200 quid. I think it might have been once a fortnight

or once a month he'd come to collect it. Yeah, I don't think it was 200 quid i think it might have been once a fortnight or once a month he come to collect it yeah yeah i don't think it was 200 quid every every week adam because i i'm not as good as six minutes you got for a quid so it's a tennis or what's the telly for an hour right house if there is a revolution on this pandemic i will be first to burn down a Bright House. Their business is so fucking scandalous, innit? No, no, no, you can't afford a TV. Take this TV that's got a slot machine at the back.

What you don't understand, though, is my mum didn't have the 300 quid to buy the telly. So what they did was they offered her this system where she could buy it over a period of time for just 17 grand and you know if only she'd have been able to not watch TV for a month

with you lot you'd have had a fucking TV of your own but that's how Bright House got you like you can't go a full three weeks I mean if you did if you could watch if you could not watch TV with your kids for three weeks you'd have 600 quid for a lovely flat screen but you know mrs rowe you know you know full well ah funny funny funny funny funny i'd say uh yeah that's i really enjoyed that story and it's made me feel a little bit sad what's mad is we had that telly that you had to pay a quid for and my mum had a fully functioning

sun shower that she paid fuck all for upstairs we got a sunbed in the house before we got a TV there's nothing on the telly go and get a tan take your brother upstairs and go and get a tan oh Jesus anyway we've got a new sponsor it's Bright House Go upstairs and go and get a tan. Oh, Jesus.

Anyway, we've got a new sponsor. It's Bright House. It's fucking not like it. Now then, lids, I want to tell you about Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car body work, and customization services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire. Basically, these guys can sort your wheels out. And if you listen to this thinking, well, I'm not like a boy racer.

I'm not that bothered about my car. Mate, I drive a Volvo. And after the fucking Rona, I'm going to these guys at Trans Ilo Wheels Limited when I'm gigging in Yorkshire. And I'm going to get them to sort out the alloys that are all scuffed up and fucked on my Volvo V40. So even if you've got a sensible dadmobile or you've inherited your nana's banger, soup up the wheels. Get them sorted. If you park like a bellend, get them tidied up.

Make them look smarter. Go the full hog. Get them jazzed up. Get them glitzy. Get them gold. Just live your life through your alloy wheels. They can add value to your car and make it look fucking smart. They use the same techniques as the biggest car manufacturers.

And they offer powder coating, diamond cutting, painting, new tires, acid stripping and shot blasting, tire fitting and removal. They do car body repairs. And they have a pickup and delivery service. They also do insurance work. These guys have got amazing reviews online. Come and get your wheels souped up, changed andurbished and this is the best bit all have a word listeners will receive 25 off everything i'm going i'm getting my saving these guys are amazing trans alloy wheels limited get them on facebook insta online the lot nice one lids

i don't know about you but I'm feeling triggered it must be have a word with Adam and Dave what have you got for us today Daniel? multiple things oh excuse me now we've got several things what are you in the mood for? we've had a couple of questions

we've got a ledge of the week we've got someone who has inquired about something basically giving us some information uh regarding a past episode we have got a drunk story from a wedding that i have had out and missed and then we've got an absolute corker of an email that just came through about a difficult sexual experience. I've got a ton of stuff here, Adam. What are you in the mood for? Let's start with

a question. I want a question. Okie dokie. Pig in a ponky. From Tomo. You've mentioned selling podcast merch. What would be your dream bit of have a word of fish merchandise? Oh, I don't know.

I mean, if we ever do this, Tomo, it's probably going to be pretty standard stuff. But there's that thing from the start of the Peter Kay video that always makes me laugh when he's selling merchandise on a table and peter slater who's a guy i gig with uh when i started out in manchester just as peter k's leaving because he's had to nick money out of the little tray he's had to nick some money because he wants the dvd in color which is like the joke at the start of the thing. And just as he leaves, Peter Slater goes, Peter K. Contraceptive

Foam! Still fucking makes me laugh today. Have a word. I've got the answer. It's have a word Millennium Lube. We want our own lube. That's what we want. Have a word

Millennium Lube. Have a wank lube. Have a wank lube that's what we want have a word millennium lube have a wank lube have a wank lube yes but specifically for wanking like if you put it in a bum hole or anything it stops working it only works in your hand mate you've really listen i don't know what that tv company did with you but they've really you've limited your fucking sales there in one is this kind of technology you need for the fucking silicon in the loo to be like lads this smells wrong dry up instantly Oh, it's just bum sex, man. There's no lubes that work better than bumholes, though. And there's specific bumhole lube, isn't there? And then there's specific hand lube and specific vaggie lube.

What? What? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? It's a lube. Different lubes for different purposes. That's not true. I want it to be true, though.

Vag, hand, bum, and then a bit of WD-40 for your fucking bike chain at the end. It's all good. All good. I tell you what, don't mix them up, because you get WD-40 in your arsehole. Absolute fucking nightmare. There's different

lubes for different things. No, there's... It's like condoms. Yeah. I get a vagina condom and a bumhole condom. You're a silly, silly person, and I should have done this earlier. What?

Have you ever tried the different condoms? I'm not. Yeah, ribbed condoms are for the bumhole, aren't they? What do you mean? They invented ribbed for the bumhole because there's less nerves in there for your dick, so they wanted it to be a bit more rigid.

Right, good. You actually bullshitted yourself into a corner there. I can tell now when you're bullshitting, when you're like... I can tell when you're on the ropes and you just start flailing, like a boxer who's like, oh my God, I don't know what I'm doing.

No, because the ribs are for your sensitive dick when you're in a bum hole. It's not for your sensitive dick. It's for their bum hole to be able to feel your dick. It's literally literally you've completely mate the bumhole is a smaller place than the old vagina most of the times I think you're fully aware

there is not less nerve endings in there it's a smaller space with lots of nerve endings has anyone ever gone in the condom company guys you know when you're taking one up the arse Sometimes I'm not even aware that it's happening Do you ever get that?

Guys Anyone Hands up If you've ever been bummed Girls You too Have you just And you're just

You're like Is this even happening? Fuck it How small has your boyfriend's penis had him? You need a bigger peg, babes. Shutdown sending us mental. So, yeah, I'd have... I want our own lube.

That's my answer to that question. And also hoodies, t-shirts and mugs. They're the full product. Oh, do you like me? I want to hold it like this before I have a word.

This is me. Los Angeles Rams hoodie. Nice, isn't it? Yeah, it's nice. It is nice, yeah. Did you get a few months back? I got this when I went to the NFL game.

I'm being a dick. Why? Why are you being a dick? No, I was just being a dick. It's nice. It is really nice. Oh, you're saying it doesn't fit? Yeah, that was just being a twat.

How dare you sir i have lost weight since i bought this it didn't fit when i got it have you uh have you found that post pod i've had a few conversations with laura when she's like whoa whoa tune it down you're not talking to adam on the podcast now because i do that there's that to me once a day. Right, yeah. Stop doing accents round the house. I could deal with it in the past when you did it once a week and you got

a bit accent-y, but it's every fucking day now and you're doing me, Adam. Listen to me, woman. This accent pays the bills. Okay? Fuck any tiny's on mine, on mine. Fuck any tiny's on mine man Fuck any tiny old man I tell you what I love to

Murray Kitzbauer Other than lube What would you go for as your dream For the match I'd say It's going to be difficult to top the Contraceptive foam really I think the lube is

Absolutely tremendous Yeah I just I think the lube is absolutely tremendous. Yeah, I just, I think slightly too small hoodies is now the thing that's in my mind as well. Do you like lift and support from your hoodie? And ventilators, have a word ventilators, you know? Clap for the NHS I've got so much shit I can't remember where it all is

hi lads this is from Thomas loving the pod listen to episode 35 about whether you get your whole cock and balls out

or just your fella obviously everything comes out that's Thomas's take on it, and I think he's right. It reminded me of a similar argument me and all my mates had. 13 of us were in a villa in Marbella during the summer, and a mate walked in on my other mate, wiping his ass after having a shit. It happens. If there's that many of you in a villa, after having a shit, just,

it happens, if there's that many of you in a villa, that sort of shit does happen sometimes, he was mortified, because my mate was standing up, to wipe his arse, he assumed, that everyone always wiped their arse,

still sat down, the group then put it to the vote, we did a little bit of market research, and it was split, nearly, 63, 66 to 33 so basically 2 to 1, I don't know why he's done it 66 to 33

2 to 1 mate, 2 to 1 in favour of sitting down rather than standing stroke squatting when you're wiping your bum, makes you think what else do you assume to be a given where do you stand on that Adamski? Okay so i'm a convert in this regard right um so i had a very similar situation when i first started seeing jade

um up until like two years ago maybe three years ago yeah i used to stand and i just thought that was a normal thing i just stood up to wipe my bum. Right. And then Jade found out about it and she was like, you'll be spreading shit all over the inside of your arsehole and all over your bum cheeks. What are you doing? That's fucking disgusting. Yeah.

And I was like, no, it's totally normal. Like literally 53% of people do this. She's like, no, it's horrible. Don't fucking do that anymore. And because I just want a quiet easy life I just learn to wipe while I'm sitting down God this relationship has given you so much

hasn't it yeah what about you, are you a sitter of course I'm a sitter of course in life wherever you are on the bus

at home in parliament just take a seat if there's one there fucking use it why are you standing unnecessarily so how do you wipe

do you go through the middle of your legs under your balls yes I do I just go round my vagina what are you even talking about you gotta just you gotta with the blind reach. So you lean forward and wipe like that?

Yes, man. Oh, see, I still don't do that. I go, I put the toilet paper, like, you're looking at me with that face again, and you're going to make me laugh, and I'm being serious. I take the toilet paper, I go in front of me dick and balls, under them,

I wipe my arse and I bring it out the same way I took it in. Oh no mate! It's the dirty gooch! That's how you get a dirty gooch! Oh Adam! I don't wipe up to the gooch. How do you know who wipes forward?

You always wipe back. Get it away from you. Don't bring it towards you. I don't wipe forward. It's just that's the way I go in. I'm not then like wiping towards me balls. I just move it around and do what I need to do. You just go in that way and then you just maneuver.

That sounded like you were just all rubbing it in no I don't think so I don't believe you, you're a silly person I swear I'm not lying I swear I swear to you why don't we start a fucking twitter poll that you'll never do

also when that turns out to be just banter I would love to see the picture on Twitter when you're like, hey, I did it. I swear I'm not lying. I don't think this is unusual. You reach under.

I think most people go in via the front. Yes. But then, so you make contact with the bumhole, right? And generally, this is how I do it. You go a little bit beyond,

you pull through the, you know, ground zero, and then you apply the most pressure there and a little bit beyond, you pull through the, you know, ground zero, and then you apply the most pressure there and a little less pressure. And it's a sort of like, there's a curve to it. And that's, you know, how would you even affect anything like that when you're doing a reach under? What are you doing?

Reach under, get to your bum hole, wiggle your toilet paper about a bit, bring it off the surface, have a look, put it in the toilet. Oh my God! What? paper about a bit bring it off the surface have a look put it in the toilet oh my god are you telling me you don't look at the toilet yeah i do but it's so one of those things this podcast i like it that it's like a no holds barred podcast but there's certain things in life you're just not meant to talk about i suppose that that's what has happened to Tom and his mates. You're like, when do you ever in polite conversation go, lads, lads, lads, lads, lads, before we do the Jager bombs,

who wipes? Stud up, who wipes that down? There's like these really intensely private things that you can't be like, Nana, before you go, I know I love you so much and I know the breathing's difficult. Just tell me before you just pass away. Do you go? Jade texted me. Are you joking? Just wiping from the

front is defo weird. You should wipe from both ways if you're going to go from the front at all. It won't be fully clean. No wonder you get skid marks. Wow. And that's the end of that conversation because Jade has just ended it.

Mind your own business! It's what? Let's move on. All right, mate. Oh, dear. I stand by you. You go forward. You're moving about a bit on your bum hole. I stand by you. You go forward. You're moving about a bit on your bum hole.

I thought we were moving on. Everyone's happy with moving on. I need closure. You need an extra... You need technique, mate. You just texted me again and said, your arsehole is my business. Guys, am I wrong?

Everyone listening, please tell me. I know we're in the middle of a shutdown. I know this is what happens. The detail becomes more important, but I'm not wrong on this one, am I? I'm not even trying to be funny now. That's madness. I also get freaked out by the fact that you're like,

yeah, I just reach under the undercarriage and I just wiggle it around. I can't see the damage in that. under the undercarriage and just wiggle it around. Can't see the damage in that. We have one from Anonymous. It's an

awkward sex story. Alright lids. This doesn't really fall into the category of funny hangover or breakup stories but it was funny and embarrassing so I thought it might be worth sharing. That's absolutely fine with us, my friend.

Sorry if it's a bit long. Tried to keep it brief. I've sent this from an old email account, as I'd rather not be named, if that's okay. All right, Steve. I was 16... Oh, let's do it. I was 16 at the time.

My girlfriend had come round to mine and my mum and dad had gone out to the pub we started watching a film but you know what it's like at that age you watch the first half and then it ends up shagging on the sofa was that your experience of being 16 because that's not

that wasn't how it always went for me at 16 I was doing that from like 12 me. So, you know. Mate. And of course, if you got a girl around and you hadn't got, you know, 43 quid in fucking change,

you couldn't watch the TV. You had to bang. How have you not got kids? It'd be so funny to me if someone messaged in with like, hi, Dave and dad. I lost my virginity at 17, didn't I?

I told you about that last week. So, I can't relate to this. My dad did come down while I was banging a girl once on the couch. Really? Yeah.

So, I'd been on a night out. This is back when I lived with my dad. So, I'd been on a night out and took a girl once on the couch. Really? Yeah. So I'd been on a night out. This is back when I lived with my dad. So I'd been on a night out and took a girl back. Living room? Living room. Because like,

my bedroom's right next to my dad's upstairs. So I was like, I don't want to go up there. It'd be so obvious what we're doing. Let's just shag on the couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My dad had heard me come in, but because I was doing such a good job of being quiet and women tend to be very quiet when they're with me anyway. Well, they're clearly asleep. He thought I'd just come in from a night out and stayed downstairs.

So he just come downstairs and I was hanging out the back of someone. Lovely turn of phrase. I can't wait for you to go into writing. His reaction was great as well because he opened the door and he went, oh, right. Shut the door and went back upstairs.

Well, I would suggest that Anonymous can beat that level of embarrassment. Maybe I forgot to turn the volume down or was just too distracted with the job at hand but i didn't hear the front door going first i knew about it was my mom walking into the room she'd a hundred percent caught us problem was they brought about seven or eight mates back with them from the pub their mates and my dad hadn't seen us yet, and before they

walked in the room, I had my pants up and tried to look as normal as I could, given the situation. My girlfriend got her skirt and knickers as far as her knees, panicked, and then just jumped bare-ass onto the sofa and covered her bits with a

cushion. At this point, everyone else is walking into the room, and despite the cushion, from the side, it's obvious that she's got her knickers halfway down her leg. My hero of a mum then runs over and sits right next to the girl so that people can't see this. I'm sat on the other side of her at this point so she ends up

wedged between me and my mum after being caught shagging in a room full of people she doesn't know with a bit only covered by a sofa cushion. Worth mentioning, my mum didn't even like this girl and had previously made that quite clear.

All my mum and dad's mates have come in by this point and have sat down ready for a few drinks that have been promised at the pub. We then have the problem that she can't pull her knickers up without making it obvious to everyone in the room. So my mum then starts trying to convince everyone to go back out for another few pints.

They've just been invited round for a drink and then all of a sudden within 30 seconds she's asking everyone to go back out for another few pints. They've just been invited round for a drink and then all of a sudden, within 30 seconds, she's asking everyone to go back out. Everyone's looking at her like she's fucking mad, but eventually they agree to go to the pub down the street and we're saved. I don't know if she told them the real reason once they left the house, but my mum has never

mentioned the incident to me and the next day, we just acted like nothing had ever happened. Thinking about it, I think she deserves a retrospective ledge of the day for that one. Yeah, let's give her that. I must protect the vagina. Do you think mum was trying to defend the girls on it, or was just like, it's just going to be so embarrassing

that all my mates from the pub know my dirty little fanny rat of a son's banging on the fucking couch what do you think it was like a mom's instinct i think it was protect the girls on it because i think once you've got kids of that age you sort of you know that they're fucking something so like you'd be talking to your friends like oh he's probably shagging on the couch like it wouldn't be a big deal would it that's only a big deal when you're young yeah i suppose it's one of them that she's alleged for doing it that fucking girl though when you're young it's you you put yourself in such stupid situations like

yeah let's just bang on the couch here I can't see any problem with that you're like guys think it fucking through beautifully done mum well done anonymous I've got some more open sex stories but I'll save them for a later episode why not

wow don't do that sexy voice that you just did. Why? You not like it? I give you sexy penis from Mr. Adam. With your tight hoodie. Unce, unce, unce, unce. Doing these adverts makes me want to go to Vauxhall Comedy Club so much.

When the shutdown is over, when we're free, when venues are open again, if you like comedy and you're in London, or if you're visiting the Big Smoke, go and watch some live stand-up at the Vauxhall Comedy Club. It's just over the water, near the West End, really central. On a Friday and Saturday night, they have an amazing offer

where they do as much booze as you can get. A bottomless booze comedy night. Amazing comedians from the TV, from the circuit. It's 90 minutes, free wine, cider, beer, and it's just 25 quid. There's also a spirit and mixer bottomless ticket, and there's also an entry ticket that's just £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club is open Monday to Saturday,

and it's right next to the amazing Vauxhall Street Food Garden. So obviously, right now, you can't go. But as soon as you can, get down there, enjoy yourself. Adam's played it. i'm looking forward to playing it and in the meantime hit them up on socials at voxel comedy club on instagram at voxel comedy on twitter and voxel comedy club on facebook the show is 18 and over so if you look young and fresh take your id and if you look like me fucking granddad dave you'll get right in see you there voxel comedy club nice one two mics two leads and a lot of time on their hands this is have a word See you there, Vauxhall Comedy Club. Nice one.

Two mics, two leads, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Word. So I've got a couple of other words for you, Daniel. Quite different, these two. Okay, quite different. So, have a word, number one. All right, boys. Can you have a word?

Guys, guys. He's forgotten to sing. He's forgotten to sing. He's forgotten to sing. Ah! It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Al. Send us an email with the problems that you have with your family or with your friends. Or anyone in society, or if it's your partner or housemate that you're living with, call it domestic dispute.

Have a word pod at gmail.com. If you just need to bitch about anyone, just have a little fucking whingy woo. Here's one. My uncle, who is only communicating with me via whatsapp that i'm pretty sure he think was he thinks was invented about five weeks ago and it's just gifs and fucking shitty videos that creep dangerously close to racism at every fucking click like whatsapp is for though isn isn't it? Oh, I don't know. It's for videos that initially look like a sexy lady and end up being a big black dick.

And that is 90% of messages that get sent in WhatsApp groups. But some people are good at them. Some people pick out the best ones and then there's other people who are like, over a certain age, resend this. Like six at a time. This is not good banter.

Sorry. Go on, Adam. All right, boys. Can you please have a word with my next door neighbor or anyone like him? He's a moaning old twass and he's been shouting over the fence at my kids to quiet down Jordan the day. Obviously, kids are usually in school Jordan weekdays and on the weekend they're usually out with their mates, but at the minute they can only play in our own back garden. He's an old miserable fucker

who spends all day every day sitting in his back garden unless it's raining. Even if it's snowing or baltic cold, he will literally stay in the back garden as long as he's not getting wet. So his little bit of serenity has now apparently been ruined by my kids because he can hear them from over the fence.

He doesn't own the right to the sound waves of his back garden. He needs to chill out and understand that at the minute kids have got nowhere else to play and I'll be fucked if I'm having them in the house with me all day. Nice one lads from Kevin.

Very nicely done, Kev. Very nicely done. Oh, Jesus. So, wait, what? You on Kev's side? Oh, yeah, of course. Different if it was... When kids get old enough

to, like, work a fucking phone and have, like, a speaker then i think i think playing really obnoxious loud music that's that's too much that piss that does piss me off sometimes not just occasionally it's good to have a bit of music in the background but you have to be a real miserable shit to be like oh it's like the sound of children playing it sounds like they're young and on a fucking trampoline here, doesn't it? And they're just like, yeah, yeah, you've just got to put up with that. Like, if you live in a suburban area, if you don't want to do this,

then go fucking Unabomber style and go and live in the fucking woods, you miserable old fuck. Yeah, or get a place in an old people's home and you can slowly hear people decay around you like, I'd rather have the sound of kids on a trampoline than like fucking uncontrolled belching. I'd rather have the sound of kids than the smell of piss. I hope I don't turn into one of those old curmudgeon type fuckers.

I think you might, you know. Oh, God. you could see it although my nana and granddad they were still really fun joyous like old fuckers but it's very easy to i think the old boys that lose their partners too early they go a bit lone wolf like i i mean i met laura six years ago and she's the love of my life things very quickly check i think they could change again give it like give it another six years she could be like this guy's a fucking bellend and i am like i it would be so brutal if she went look dan i've been with you for 12 years i know you're the father of my child but you're a fucking bellend and i it would i would how would i be able to be like,

hey, that's disgusting. Have you not listened to my podcast? Oh yeah, I am a bellend. So she could fuck me off. And then how long have I got on my own? And then all of my little weird fucking things that I like to do, like no one liked to do it this way,

that it all just gets exaggerated, doesn't it? It's just intensified by you being the, you're the captain of HMS Old Bastard. And then you're that fucker who's just shouting at kids in Asda like, get away from me trolley! If you got a reputation as like the creepy man in your streets, would you lean into it or would you try and fight back from it? Like, would you try and be like, no, I'm not creepy.

No, no, no, no. Or would you be like, hey kids, would you try and be like no i'm not creepy no no no or would you be like hey kids would you like some where there's originals come and sit on uncle daniel's lap yeah i think i think yeah that's you know yeah that's not subtle enough i think just yeah the the not full pedo just a bit of a weirdo old man nightingale's a bit of a you've got to watch him he's a weirdo. Old man Nightingale's a bit of a... You've got to watch him. He's a weird old... It would save money on Halloween. No one's coming knocking. The irony is if you offer out some of those originals, you know, like a good old sex

pest, no one's coming knocking for fucking pick and mix. You start a conversation with children, but you don't fuck them. Okay. Wise. Wise words, Adam. Wise words. You're only 28, but I tell you what, all that television you watch for the cost of 40 quid a day

has really taught you well. You start a conversation with them. It's like a life philosophy, isn't it? I do worry about being an old bastard on my own, and then at the same time i sort of like the idea of it okay because probably should have made something funny about that but that just that's because i've because i've been married and i've got a kid and we're on quarantine who who who's on quarantine and can hear kids in the garden go shut up like what a fucking dickhead like no one

can go anywhere just go out and spread coronavirus on the park. Yeah, but maybe he's just like a bit old and miserable and like normally like someone comes to visit him, but they can't right now. And he's just got no way. Because like at the minute, you've got Laura and your kids and your brother-in-law and I've got Jade and the dog.

And if I'm in a mood, I can take it out on someone. Do you know what I mean? I apologise later on, but I'm like, oh, shut up. Then later on you're like, sorry, I mean? I apologise later on, but I'll be like, oh, shut up. Then later on, you're like, sorry, you shouldn't have told me to shut up. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He can't do that.

So he's got to bully the kids next door. That's what I reckon it is. I reckon he's just going a bit fucking mental. He's got no way to get his anger out. So when there's a kid going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, on a trampoline for hours and hours, I'd want to tell that kid to shut the fuck up as well. Know what I mean? Yeah, I mean you i think you're playing devil's advocate and i understand but if i was is it kev kevin yeah yeah kevin i'd just start fucking with this guy

i'd i'd email the jiva hovers witnesses and ask put put his neighbor on like a fucking people of interest sort of like, I don't know, just order some fucking takeaways. You can't go around looking at me. Oh, that's true. Good point. Jehovah's. I reckon Jehovah's Witnesses are still doing it but via like Skype. People are just getting Skype calls like, who's this? And you just answer and go,

can I tell you about our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ? You just get a pop-up. What's this? There's attractive Jehovah's Witnesses in your area. Is a Jehovah's Witness a Mormon? Are they the same thing? No. No?

No. So what's a Jehovah's Witness then? A Jehovah's Witness is... No, they're not the same. Jehovah's Witness then? A Jehovah's Witness is... No, they're not the same. A Mormon's from the Church of the Latter-day Saints. Yeah. Basically a fucking lunatic from America who was like,

I'm the new Jesus, like, 100 years ago or something. Yeah, and they've got a massive church in Chorley, really randomly. The Mormons have got a huge fucking church in chorley that cost tens of millions to make it's because when like in the 19th century mormons came over and they got baptized on the on the banks of the so apparently they the british mormon church the center of it is in chorley which is really unfair on chorley because chorley's not doing that good.

Like, it's a pretty shitty northern town, and anyone in Chorley going, what the fuck are you on about? That's really offensive, that. I'm from a pretty shitty northern town. I'm just saying yours is slightly shitter. But as you drive on the M61 from Manchester to Preston, you drive past Chorley, and then just past the junction,

there's this amazing white church that's really well fucking lit up, very American style, with this beautiful tower and this gold thing on it and no fuckers allowed in it or anywhere near it. That's the morning. I stopped listening about 30 seconds ago because you've just given me an amazing idea for the next lockdown locking.

Right, go on. We should rank towns by how shit they are. Right, okay, cool. So we'll get a full list. We'll come up with a load of cities and towns that we've gigged in, and then we'll rank them in the worst. No, no, I've got an even better idea.

You pick 16 shit towns and cities. I'll pick 16 shit towns and cities and then we'll draw them out one by one and we'll discuss who's a shitter and then we'll have a fucking FA Cup of shit towns. Okay. That's what we're doing on Saturday

for the lockdown locking. We're getting boozy and we're going to piss off 90% of our listenership. Hey! Oh, that's going to be superb. Brilliant. So, are we telling the noncy neighbours

to shut the fuck up? Is that what we're doing? Of course we are, miserable old cunt. Fucking dreadful. He'll be dead soon, kids. Don't worry about it. Dan's called two people of have come so far on this podcast

and it's this man and seagulls they're horrible though aren't they this next one is a bit more serious alright alright fellas listen to you from the start but emailing in for the first time

now this might be a bit of a hard one for you but I want to see if you can All right, fellas, listen to you from the start, but emailing in for the first time now. This might be a bit of a hard one for you, but I want to see if you can manage it. I want you to have a word with a certain group of NHS workers for me. I'm a doctor working in A&E at the moment, and I know how hard everyone's working in the hospitals and in the community, but I've had enough of the social media posting, seeing everyone on their fucking dog in full ppe personal protective equipment taking selfies with the same caption for likes and comments on facebook

is doing me adding they're being an absolute beg for kudos and it's getting really undignified never mind the load of tiktoks getting put out of all these nurses dancing around empty departments while there are families who can't visit dying loved ones or sick kids. They can't be with their family. I truly understand the need for positivity and where I am in the community has been nothing but supportive.

However, in a similar vein, a certain dignity and respect for the communities we're serving should also be on show. Massive fan. Keep up the good work. Nice one for keeping us all sane in lockdown. A certain dignity and respect for the communities we're serving should also be on show. Massive fan. Keep up the good work. Nice one for keeping us all sane in lockdown from anonymous for obvious reasons. So what I'm asking you to hear, Daniel, is all the nurses and doctors who are doing a TikTok or the ones putting a little selfie up with their mask on, what do you reckon?

What do you think? Is that okay? Or should they just be getting on with their fucking job and stop showing off their masks in there my headphones must not be working because i can see you talking but i'm really struggling to hear what you're saying adam i really want to have i'm sure it's an interesting one because you said it was serious but i'm struggling to have an opinion on this one my headphones don't seem to be working if you could just fill with your opinion on it and i'll see if i can fix this issue must be the equipment it's really strange that it's let me down stop being a fucking pube and stick your neck on the line pick a side bitch yeah fuck the NHS everyone goes out clapping I boo

I boo yeah yeah you're doing great work but your social media presence is inconsiderate boo fucking hell you know what's interesting about this I've got a sort of

first slash second hand story about what's going on on the NHS front line. So one of Jade's best friends is a radiographer. She works in either Ormskirk or Southport or somewhere just slightly north of here. She hasn't been given any PPE.

Now, she got coronavirus a couple of weeks ago. She was told to stay at home for um two weeks a week in to um being at home she got a phone call from the hospital saying what are your symptoms like um and she went this this and this and he went have you got a persistent cough and she said no and he said right, we need you back in work then. And she went, well, I haven't had a cough at any point of this. I never got that symptom, but I've got all the other ones

and I've still got a fever. He went, doesn't matter. As long as you haven't got a cough, we need you back in work. She went back to work, still got no PPE, no mask, no gowns. And yesterday, three people from her department were sent home with coronavirus symptoms, including one guy who's already been off with it.

So it's the second time he's got the symptoms. And she, Jade's friend, is getting a bit pissed off with the amount of people taking selfies in personal protective equipment because there's other doctors and nurses and radiographers and specialists on the front line who haven't got fucking any. And's getting a bit annoying so there's a little bit more info for you so

do you know i can't imagine what it's like to be in a war zone like the nhs is or an actual war zone or whatever and you can there's an element of you that thinks until you've been there you can't imagine what it's like to try and humanize your day when everyone's walking around like it's fucking back to the future and they've got full hazmat suits on or they're struggling and there's people ill and you you almost feel like to scold someone for having that little fun moment of humanity, of just like, I know it's the shit, but look at this little moment where we can just do a 15-second little dance and just say there is still fun in it. I can see people who would defend them with that argument.

But yeah, when you hear stories like Jade's friends, it doesn't feel like anyone who represents the National Health Service should be like, let's do a social media video. I've seen the hospital over the way doing it. Why don't we do it? How many deaths have we had this week? 27, so we're pretty low. I mean, I think it's time to celebrate under 30 deaths.

Woo! I think I could see that argument of like, is it a bit short-sighted I'll be honest with you we got this email uh about four or five days ago at least and when I first seen it my initial response was to go mate people who are on the front line as well as you are I've got to do whatever they can to keep themselves positive and be like no look i know this is audible but if i do this tiktok with my mates maybe i'll feel a bit better for a bit and i sort of still fall on that side of the line i think if you're making these and you're taking a selfie as long as you're not risking anything by doing that as long as you're not putting anyone in danger by taking that selfie or making that dance video i think you've got to be allowed to

do it even if there's a few of your colleagues who are getting a bit upset by it, and they've got to find another way to deal with it. Do you know what I mean? Because anyone who's on the front line at the minute, like you, we can't possibly imagine what it's like. And I find it very difficult, even from a comedy's perspective,

to sit here and judge anyone for doing a TikTok. Yeah. The guy who's written in, the doctor and Jade's friend and everyone else, I get that they're going to be massively pissed off at me, like, you shouldn't be doing that.

But I feel like, without being on the front line myself, I can't possibly join in. It's like the people are like, oh, what are we clapping for? We should do... You're like, these little moments and gestures,

you know, it's just to do something. It's to feel human, to feel supportive. It's just to do one small gesture of positivity. I can see why people are like, well, it's absolutely toothless, because if you vote Conservative, you shouldn't be clapping. And you're making it a bigger thing. In the moment, we're just thankful, can we clap?

In that little break that those people in those hospitals have taken, they're like, should we just do a silly video? I don't know. There's not like loads of them. There's literally hundreds of thousands of people working in the NHS. It's not like everyone's doing a fucking TikTok. But I do feel like just if I went too hard either way, I'd be like, what am I saying?

How would the... I think all the anger should just be directed at this Tory government because they're fucking morons. Yeah, I agree. That's where, like, any infighting is just... It's not helpful, is it? Store that energy up. Store that energy up.

Remember that our country went two weeks later than all these other countries that have got lower death rates. Remember that there were so many meetings with the EU, chances to email in and go, look, we'll be part of this massive PPE shipment. There was Cobra meetings that Boris Johnson missed. Remember all of this. Look at our death rate and then look at New Zealand's or Ireland's.

Remember all of this bullshit when there is a general election and don at New Zealand's or Ireland's. Remember all of this bullshit when there is a general election and don't be like, well, you can't just labour, can you? These old socialists. Remember this. Instead of having to go at NHS workers doing TikToks, instead of having to go at your neighbour

because they're clapping and you don't agree with it, let's just get rid of the fucking Tories in four years. Is that all right? Absolutely. And I just want to be clear here, just in case anyone's misunderstood what I've said. Jade's friend has not actually slagged anyone off. She's not saying the people doing

these videos are out of order. The only person who said that is the person who's written into us. They're the one who's pissed off. Jade's friend's not pissed off with people for doing that at all. I only mentioned that story because it's a real story about the lack of PPE on the front line. And I just want to be clear about that just in case there's any misunderstanding.

Yeah, and if there's any people that vote Conservative and they're like, well, no, I disagree. I'd never vote Labour. I vote Tory. That's fine. That's absolutely fine. I just feel like... I mean, it's not. Go on. No, no, but you can... You have to be a real ethical bully to just be like, well, you're a fucking moron. People have got their reasons for voting who they vote. But what we're going to, what we're going to find is after this, with this track record of how, it's not an easy situation for any government. It's not just going to be a case of, well, there was nothing could be done. Shit, this looks fucking sloppy. And then this is what happens, the anger within the NHS, because I haven't got protective gowns. I haven't got face masks.

Who is that on? That has to be on someone. And I think there's now, Jesus Christ, this is heavy. There's evidence that there's been a real lack of forward thinking from this government at critical times when ordering all this shit and tests and PPE.

I just hope they're held accountable in a few years. Well, I am pessimistic about the fact that they will, especially being from Liverpool and certain things the Tory government in the past have got away with and never been held to account for, which we won't go into right now. But I hope that this time it is different and I hope they do have to at least answer convincingly some very tough questions on the strategies they took

and for example they're choosing not to get involved with the EU's scheme on PPE which was revealed yesterday was probably a political decision which is disgusting but this is a comedy podcast

and that happened naturally though to be fair like we're allowed opinions and it's not like we do it all the time like it's I'm sure this podcast

have just been talking about this shit yeah having said that though the help for the self-employed is really appreciated so I'm going to backtrack a little bit like

thanks for that Bojo cheers would you rather your um dick shrinking half or your head excuse me would you rather your dick shrink to half of its current size or your head shrink to half its current size i love it how you're trying to save this the last bit of this podcast with a bit of absolute enigma. And that's what I think about the Tory government. I'm going to take a smaller head, and I'll tell you for why. I've got a big head and a small dick. I cannot afford to lose dick.

I could do to lose a bit of head. Half of your head, though. Yeah, but I'd probably get on live with the Apollo. What, for being the small head man? Yeah, it's a disability, isn't it? Do you know how small your head would be if it was half the size of what it currently is? You're right.

Remember those little bobblehead toys you got as a kid? Like, where it'd be like a massive head on a little body? You'd be the exact opposite of that. For some reason, something from Men in Black has popped into my head. Here comes Men in Black! I'd take a a small head I can't take a smaller dick funny that you say Men In Black because that song that I've just been singing

is actually the song we're closing today's episode with what? not really what would you do? what would you take? I want want smaller head or smaller dick from you. Well, I've already lost

about half my dick in that operation when I was nine, so I reckon I've got to go head now. You know what I mean? I can't have a quarter length of me original. It'd be like trying to

break a tic-tac in two. I can't get purchased. So, yeah, I'd go smaller head. I actually need a smaller head. I know you've got a fairly big head, but I've got a massive head. You know, like snapback caps. If I'm lucky, the biggest ones on the biggest set and will just about

fit me like the highest size a fitted cap goes up to is a size 8 and I'm ultimately going to have I think there's

something wrong with us like literally five minutes ago it's a disgrace and we need to remember it and stay angry smaller dick or smaller head oh Adam

great banter let me tell you. Like, I've already... If there was an election now, I'd be like, who's offering smaller dicks? Because I'm not voting for them. What? Fucking ADD's hit again. Oh, it's been a mixed bag,

but I think it's time to call it a pod. That's a pod, lads. So, today's band is the 48Ks. They pod. That's a pod, lads. So, today's band is the 48Ks. They've been featured on the pod before. They were really popular. We had lots of good feedback, so we asked them for some more tunes and they kindly obliged and sent some in. This song is called One of These

Days. This is the 48Ks. We will see you tomorrow. See you later. Feeling let down again Only myself to blame It's gonna be one of those days Someone help me Rusted on a wall of space Trying hard to see my face

Going outside to find a safe place Sit in the dark and wait Stop knocking on my door I had it all but I want it more Shine some light on me Cause I really need to see Maybe I will One of these days

One of these days, one of these days Staring in a looking glass, the planted family in the past Riddles and talks stop when I walk what's going on dragging my thoughts behind love's a tough one I've got time I don't need an excuse all out of use

fancier pints stop knocking on my door I had it all but I want it more Shine some light on me Cause I really need to see And maybe I'll be one of these days One of these days, one of these days

And maybe I will be one of these days, one of these days Stop knocking on my door I've had it all but I want to know Shine some light on me Cause I really need to see Maybe I will one of these days One of these days One of these days Maybe I will

One of these days One of these days