Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #390 with Paddy Young - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: July 18, 2026

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Go, Ed. Get on me. Feel good today Feel good But I feel good I slept well My recovery was good Apparently according to my wearable fitness device

Unbranded of course But I I went to gym yesterday Trying to get shredded aren't I Yeah And I did one set of squats And pulled my hamstring Hamstring on the squats

Well I don't know No not my hamstring Like the inner Groin You're great No lower On my like two-thirds of the way from me groin to my knee.

Show me where? Your knee. Isn't it your tendons for your knee? That's a weird one, isn't it? What you, uh, what is goblet squatting? Oh. I call them goblin squads me. Make myself laugh.

You're such a geek. Yeah, it's fucking, a bit of a character. Yeah, hell of what? Yeah, I've done my, I've strained my back squatting this morning. Because there was a really attractive girl, just close and she was watching.

And I was like... It was Laura, won her. It was a public episode. No, it was a hot gym girl. Oh? They always make you train harder. I don't know. I've never seen one.

I don't see you on. I've never seen a hot gym girl in my way. Oh, you want to come to J.D. Chester at 6am. Loaded hot gym girls. It's great. And then it makes you go, well, I've got to fucking put a shift in here because she's in the vicinity. Do you make noises? No.

I'm a very silent fucking squatter. I was proud of myself, though. So here's what happened. My Mrs booked a class, so she went and done her class, and I was like, I'm going to go to the gym. They're a 10-minute walk on the treadmill, inclined to warm up, one set of squats, bust it. It's like, do you know what?

I'm going to go to B&Q. Oh, wow. I'm just going to go to B&Q and get some dech and stay. That's what you can do when you bust your leg. Went and got some oil for me decking. And when I went home, all I could think about it all night was getting a Chinese and a dessert takeaway to follow. It's a great first day of the gym this, by the way.

But I didn't do either of those things. That is the same as you finish in the gym. Yeah. Really, in it? Yeah. I really, really, really wanted it. So I just got like a chicken kebab and had some chocolate instead. Unbelievable.

And I swear to go. By 2045, you're going to be semi-ripped. Great. You're on the right trajectory. I don't think I need to be ripped until I'm about to have kids. And then I want to be, I want my kids to look at me and be like, right, that's possible. You're meant to get ripped

before you get your wife pregnant or your missus pregnant because your sperm needs to be ripped as well. That's like a thing in it. Yeah, you are what you come. Yeah, a lot of men like spend nine months before their missus gets pregnant getting in shape

so that they can fuck the shit out of them. Good coming them. And then the missus gets pregnant and then they go away going, I'm just going to get on the aisle now. Fuck this shit out. You've got the good coming, yeah? Done naffier.

Now I'm back on the aisle. But then what if your kid comes out like raped, like got a big fat, horrible slob of a dad. Excuse me? Not you in particular, but like, like, I know if I got raped, if I got raped, got Ellie pregnant, and then she's pregnant,

and it's like, oh, like, we're in this together, babe, we're both pregnant. So then I'll eat what she eats, just get dead fat. And then I'll be a big fat dad doing skin to skin with like a baby with a six-pack. Baby would have a six-pack. Could do.

You don't know? No, there's something wrong. Put it back in. Baby comes out with six-pack issues. I thought. Back in. Sorry, love. Yeah, it's not finished.

Not ready this. It's been doing sit-ups in the womb. Yeah? I could have trained, like, so hard. Are you meant to be fit enough to chase your kid around the garden, aren't you? What do you say? Or other kids. No, just your kid.

You're in there. Just pedophile. Just get a small garden. Yeah. That's a good idea, actually. Yeah. Or don't have a garden. Just downsize.

Yeah. Did that enter into your head at all? But your physique change? Like, because Jack's now looking at his dad going, fucking help me dad's in decent shape. Yeah, he was eyeing me up going, I could take you. You're quite a cunt.

And I knew it as well. That's why I got ripped. We wrestle a lot. We actually do. We fight. It's quality. No, but it's, you're now in shape.

It's like a good example. Has he ever hurt you? No. Has he ever caught you? We're not doing... With like an eye poke or something. Are you striking? No, we're just doing sort of

a bit of ground and pound. Just elbows. You know? 12 to 6. But it's good for the... It's good for a lad, in it? To have a bit of rough and tumble. Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah. Oh, 100%. I used to wrestle with my dad. I couldn't. I think it was when I, like, finally won. He realized he had to fucking pipe down a bit. He was four.

Four years. I mean? We used to like play fighting that. And obviously, whenever he wanted to, he could fucking win. And then one day, I just fucking choke them. And he was like, do you know what? No more bedtime for you? 38 and won.

I'll go to bed. Put me to bed, Adam. Adam, will you read to me? You meant to find? flip your babies that get to, like, toddler age, you meant to flip them like pancakes and that, aren't you? Sorry? It's like, you're meant to do, like, rough.

This is like the thing. Now you're meant to do, like, rough play. So you can't do it with newborns because they'll get shaken baby syndrome and die. But with, like, toddlers, you meant to, like, waz them on the couch and it strengthens their core and that. Yeah, fucking, like, literally playing with your dad

and fucking around and him throwing your, I know you didn't know, but I'll just tell you. Not everyone's got the sad story. Just a bit of rough housing releases something, And the same thing as like hugging your mum for comfort. I can do that.

A kid goes, oh, they get something like almost chemically. They get the same thing from basically the dad pretend twatting. Yeah, if you're in the wild, you'd be teaching you should out to hunt, wouldn't you and as the dad?

Yeah. Yeah. You've been doing that? Yeah, we hunt takedowns. Oh, wow. I can there was ever a period in history where humans were wild?

Was there ever wild humans? Some of love. Hang on, hang on. Yes. what do you mean well you know the way like evolution works and I know we sort of have a difference of opinion on this

but you know the first time a monkey had a baby and it was a man he's going to kill himself was like was that kid not just bopping around like I'm yeah he was ripped but yeah that's what cave people were aren't he suppose yeah it's on the wild wild people

you know homo sapiens yeah why it was also all the homoes around weren't there? There's loads now as well. Where Homo sapiens done? Homo erectus. But we came through

when there was other homos. Yeah. Homo erectus. There was still Neanderthals. Homo erectus was the first monkey to get a stonk on. I don't know. I've not done any research.

But I don't think we... It wasn't like... When we turned up as homo sapiens, there was like... We had to compete against other rival potential future humans. Humans. But in like parts of Papua New Guinea,

like... There's still some of Ractus? There's... Because they're very remote islands, some of them kind of evolved a bit differently so there's loads dead short. That's where like pygmy people come from in it. Like little short people.

And people that want attention? Yeah, pigmy girls. All right. I'm a pigmy girl. I love to footee. Three foot nothing. Spear. Yeah, they were wild, weren't they?

that's why we've got canines in it so we could rip the flesh of the animal yeah now we just cut it up with knife and fox wouldn't you know I thought we had canines to open pistachial nuts yeah and that

they were really eating well back there a lot of lean meat and nuts lot of protein yeah that must have been class when someone accidentally knocked a bit of meat onto the fire and they were like oh you fucking

and then they were like still trying to eat it yeah but then he got a bit of bus at house and started like basting it oh they really went up Look at that, lad. Tasty potato fries.

Taste that, brother. You got any rosemary? You need to get a bouquet of herbs. There you go. Wash, wash, shush, shush, shush. No. Shut up. They had good English.

What? They had very good English. No, I'm just speaking. I don't know what language they were speaking. Oh. Scottish? Yeah. Oh, I forgot.

Baby me. What would you have hunted, Dan? If you were to say you were a kid. Pussy. You can't eat women. What? In fact, he might have. Well, you can't, you know.

I don't think they did, Carl. Were they cannibals back then or no? No. Never? I don't think a humans have ever been cannibals. What would be your first target now? If there was like a, let's say there was another level of virus. Yeah.

Like another level of COVID. So it just destroys the infrastructure. People who get here, dead, gone. But a lot of people like, me and all of us, it turns out that we're immune to it. Yeah, yeah. So we survived, but there's no shops, there's no farms. After a few months, it's like, rice, we're going to have to go on one thing to get our fucking, you know,

get our breath here. What animal are you? I mean, it's going to be farm animals get, like, plundered first, isn't it? Because cows are just, they're past straight away. They're just, they are gormless fucking things. They'll be gone within six months. Everyone will just, like, there'll be a lot of farmers trying to defend their cattle.

I'm saying the farms are gone. Oh, farms are gone. All the livestock that's just, like, gormless, Yeah, all right. You've got to go for a wild animal. Elk. Really? The British elk.

I'd travel. I suppose there is elk in Britain, though. Yeah, you're right. But where? I go for birds, personally, is what I go for. Birds. A pigeon. Birds of flight.

Loads of them. With what, though? A rudimentary trap. But you're not getting much meat off the one of them, oh yeah? Not where you can get ten of them? Whereas if you find, like, I don't know, like a rabbit, you get a bit more meat. What are you going to do after all the crops gone?

You're going to be scrunning brick. six in about six months. I'd just end it. You wouldn't start eating meat. Day one. You'd kill yourself before you had a bit of pigeon. Yeah. That's my mental.

By the way, guys, if it is post-apocalyptic, we're all going to be a lot more vegan than we were before. So he will be fine. I'm not touching any of that shite meat. It's just vegetables, isn't it?

No, I'll have them on the side of my fucking pigeon or my goose or whatever. Goose? Do you? I'm a goose? Yeah. How are you killing a goose, though?

I'm not. I'm paying someone else. Joking. Is you got to get in the water for that? Or you just wait for it to get out? Do you mean? And then tight it out. Be like, goose.

Hey, look at this. Oh, yeah. Fishing. It works every day. I mean, I hate fish, but I'd learn. They don't know it's a post-apocalyptic world, do they? No. The pigeons are going to be suspicious.

They're like, a lot of people seem to be hunting us all of a sudden. Fish are just doing what they're doing. They've been hunted forever by a fisherman. Yeah, they'd be overfished, though, wouldn't he at some point. The fishermen would have guns. We've got loads of fish. fishing gear in our garage. So if anyone wants to...

You'd kill yourself before you wet meat. No, probably not really. But if it's an actual apocalypse, then what's the fucking point? See what happens? I've watched 28 years later. I don't want to deal with that. It's not a documentary though, is it? There's not zombies in this post-apocalypse. So what's going on? Mad Max.

No, people just are dying because of the... We've just got to rebuild the population of the earth. If anything, like, it could be fun, because you're going to have to welly a load of women and get them all pregnant. By the way, post-apocalyptic, I will move to Liverpool. because I think we need safety in numbers. This will be the first time I'm like, yeah, everyone's... Because you're not going to survive just in your house on your own.

Costco? There's going to be roaming... Costco? Costco will be sure. Rose of stuff, isn't there? I'm coming... Can I just... I'm moving to Liverpool and we're starting to commune.

Because it's not going to be safe. I'm just... Like, you can't just be like... It's not where we're going to be like religion. If there is a post-apocalyptic... And there's no food and people are hunting, there will be gangs of... There will be gangs of...

Once, coming around, stealing your shit. It's not going to be like, I've locked my front door. It'll be fine. You will need safety in numbers. You're my boys. I'm moving to Liverpool. Why do you always assume the wasting people? It will be horrific.

What if you're one of the bad people, though? But you know I'm not one of the bad people. But you've got yourself in now. Feats under the table. We've invited a vampire into the bloody den. Right. But it's still me, Carl. You know me.

I'm your friend. I'm your friend. Yes. This is Fortmore miles to feed. Yeah, but you would turn into like a, I'm a dad, I've got to feed Jack andetta. You'd turn into like a bad man. Surely? No, I'd want safety in numbers and this is your dream.

You want us to be together all the time, 24-7, every day of the week. You'd still go for a fucking swim on your own. That'd be dead day one. Go for the walk. Dan's not come back. I do want a gun, though. Just in case. Martin's got a gun next door in it

You see that fucking helmet Rupert Lowe was on a Joe Rogan's podcast calling for guns to be brought back to the UK and he called Dunblane One Little Mather Who'll do with him? Cool. I love that no one just did a quick Google on that on Rogan to be like, oh no, like loads of kids were murdered, eh?

Well they Google the shit where they know the answer that is what they want, don't he? Google that, where they know that it's going to back them off. They didn't want to Google her because they knew it was chatting shit. Don't blame was the school, one of her. Yeah. Andy Murray was there.

You've got to slide that in every time you mentioned. It's like, it's like to McCall there. Andy Murray was there? Andy Murray's school. He was hiding under a table in the principal's off.

He's hitting tennis balls at the shoes there. Yeah. Get missing. Was he off? That's why he was doing. That's not like you get out out of a school shooting

who's hiding under his desk. And because he's quite quiet. Yeah. I've got a bit of conspiracy with it. Oh, Tompillin. Oh, Tom. Wimbledon. Oh, wow, who's sucking the...

Who's the head of Wimbledon? No, he's fucking. Sue Barker. Who's... Not Sue Barker, mate. No wonder he survived. Want a gun. Can we just get guns?

Can we get guns on the company card? What guns can we get in the UK? You can get shotguns. Shottie, yeah. You can't have a fucking revolver, but you can have a shotgun. You can't saw them off. What?

I think it's because of the speed in which you can reload it, isn't it? You can't saw them off, even. Bolt gun. Oh, like, um, have you a barden? No country for old men. We're not allowed

automatic weapons, are we? Or anything can be made. You're allowed paintball guns? Yeah, you are. The shot is just two cartridges. Yeah, but if... And it's bang, bang, and then you've got to reload.

A revolver is multiple bullets in it. Six, yeah. That's what's not allowed. Right. Two is multiple. Yeah, but that's the... I'll just put two bullet in me, revolver then. Have you seen that too?

Please. Two at a time, officer. Bang, bang. Now, you see, you've given the game away there. Now they know you're going to. A shotgun's surely more dangerous because a shotgun spreads, don't it? It's got to go spread!

That's less dangerous. You're more likely to miss. No, you're more likely to hit, but it'll be less damaging. Yeah. You can lift them with like three pieces of shell rather than one bullet. I'd rather get shot with a revolver than a shotgun. Really?

From close range. Yeah. But from a distance, absolutely not. The revolvers do the same monster damage. The shotgun isn't. as soon as I get a bit of distance from you most of the palatine missing I mean most people will just miss

with a revolver though won't they because they're not trained but they're not trained with a shotgun then are they I know but it's got a good spray it can you murder if you're a farmer no can you murder like say if someone comes on your land

are you allowed to just pop the red or is it only for like foxes what do you think Harry because it's it's trespassing isn't it? Yeah the trespassing is if you're bothering cows in the UK

you just have to ask people to leave don't you? We spoke about this with Schultz. So why aren't they allowed the guns, just for animals? It's not for people trying to get on the farm. It's to protect their animals, isn't it? Isn't it usually to kill their animals? It's the kill intrusive animals,

it's to blow. Like if I thought it was mercy-killing. Oh, Daisy's not giving us no milk. It is. No, that's not a mercy killer. It's not Daisy's not giving us any milk, let's fucking kill her. It's Daisy's got bowel cancer. Let's end it quickly for her. And they've got a life.

They've got loads of bowels. That's his wife. Take her out back. I'm feeling better. Should we try chemo? No. It's if a fox gets in your chicken coop to blow the fox's egg, clean off. Take eight chickens, but you send a message to the other foxes.

That farmer doesn't fuck around. Not even look, just close the hutch and go. Is there ever been a farmer? kill the man with her? Almost definitely. Yeah, there was one 10, 15 years ago, famously, wasn't it? On his land? Yeah. He wasn't just in fucking waitrose.

Oh, sorry. What, you're in a fox. If you're a burglar, probably don't bother with farms. He wants to build a motorway through the farms. I know, you've got to go around. Would you not be concerned about the statistics about suicide? Yeah. My kids, I've been looking a bit sad recently.

No, but... Just they know they can't beat me up. You're three times more likely to use a gun on your... than you are on an intruder. If someone bagels, you know, you're blowing on that. I can't be asked with you. Have whatever you want.

Bloody Mondays. No, I think I'll be all right. My mental health's all right. I reckon I'd pass the sad test to get a shotgun. Yeah, right now. Oh, right, yeah. Yeah.

You haven't, like, just lost out on an acher because the fucking manager took your play it off and you forgot to put someone play on. You know what I mean? That's a problem. I do play a lot of fantasy as well. Fucking a... You've got to be careful with guns and you're lost, though,

because what if Laura gets older? Well, and then I've got a gunwielding wife. Yeah, because she'd be like, get fucking go and do the uverdon. What if Loda gets horny and uses it as a dildo and doesn't realize it's loaded and blows her pussy off? That's on her, really. I think she blow more than her pussy off.

It's on me. Initially, I, when we get the shotgun, I will do a tutorial for Laura. And be like, listen, I know you like pleasure in yourself. And it's a tempter, in it, with this barrel. We're going to go through some safety procedures to avoid you blowing your pussy off. I think she's blowing everything off. If you're a shotgun inside the body.

It doesn't have to be a shotgun or cock glock or something. Honestly, just to be able to ring the paramedics, to be like, yeah, she's got a shotgun wound to the pussy. Not again. I'm not sure they... It wouldn't kill her if she had Baird shot. Buckshot would be a big problem for it. And it's...

But Bade shots are just pepper up here. Like a little... Like a little pelle. Did you have the moment when you're like, God, we're talking about Laura's blown up vagina there because I had it. And I looked at you and I was like, I wonder if we're going to register

that this is a real person that I'm married to. Yeah, it was like a pelly. Love, if you're wanking with the shotgun, bookshot. Avoid. Okay? What's a confusing way you're saying there? Buckshot.

Avoi. You know, actually, let's not wank with a shotgun. Just to be safe. That's happened before. Someone's deaf or don't know. Why have I got farmers shooting mercy? Like, I've got that in my head that happens all the time.

They'd be taken off to an avatar. All yellow's falling over. That leg's not fixing itself. Round the back. Boom! Yeah. That probably happened. Like with horses.

Same thing. Yeah. You get a nasty fall. Horses who fall at a Grand National get blown their heads off, don't they? Yeah. Get blown their heads off, come. They get shot, don't he?

Yeah, I think so. It's a... Well, it says they're like... Yeah. They put to sleep with a shotgun. I don't know if it happens in a vet with, like, your dog. Do they get, like, their favorite dinner? You know, like on death row.

You know, if you're on death row, you get to pick your last dinner. Like, fallen horses, like, just the owner gets to go, hey, he loves a bit of cod liver, oil on his fucking tuna butties him. So they give that a horse. At every race they had the horse's death row dinner waiting for them. Right, number 31.

No, get blown the head off. And they have it in a blue tent on the course. Oh, like... More sugar cubes. Surely, like, they must have the same rights as us on that regard. Like, give them what he really liked. Do you know what I mean? Like,

different dogs, you know, when they're getting euthanized. Like, if you get all by the vet or we're going to have to euthanise your dog on Wednesday. Tuesday night, you're doing them he fucking wants for his tea, aren't you? Do I mean? When horses fall are they, the ones that get put down

normally break their necks? Then you're just force-feeding like food to a horse who's neck like that. What you mean? No, it's usually legs, is it? Is it legs? They can live with broken legs, though, can't be?

No, they can't. I thought it's like they land on a horse one. They're too heavy, aren't you to be able to rehabilitate a leg. Honestly, like, it's broken legs that normally get them shot. Broken neck, they probably just fucking leave it dead and let it die slowly.

Get in the race on. Don't get blowing the net. No way she's tuning butty on this one. Because they're not any three-legged horses. No, because I don't think their body would be able to withstand. There's like three-legged XL bullies and that. There isn't. That is.

You get three-like-ed dogs. Yeah, not three-ex-l bullies. Why not? Because they would... What you mean? A horse's legs are quite thin, aren't he? I imagine the weight has to be dispersed properly. It would just fall over constantly.

And break into the legs. Your bone marrow can seep into your bloodstream and give your blood cancer. And then you've got to give a horse chemo. And that's just fucking more women. Why, what are you doing to this horse? It's got three legs. You're giving it chemo?

I love horses on that, but blow it head off, man. Finn's got the stats on dead horses, I think. Keeping this light. What did you just say about the why they kill? Is a broken leg the end of a horse's life? Yes. Yes. Because they're really heavy.

Fair enough. So putting all the weight on three legs. And do they get a death meal before someone blows their head off? Because they're starving, you know? I mean, surely they just give them Ket? They just run. They probably would have Kep before they blew their head off, yeah? Why would they give them Kep before they blew their head off?

Because it's horse tranquilizer, in it? You give them a permanent tranquilizer? Do I reckon they've ever got it mixed up, and they've given, like, the horse, MDMA? And he's just had a fucking belton of the last couple of hours. Gets back up again. I love you. The Lex's fine.

Oh, I feel good, ma'am. It is very common and encouraged to give horses their favourite treat. in their final hours. Oh, that's so bleak. Not on the race course. They get last day treats, always on the race course. They get last day treats

like mince, molasses and safe sugar-rethews. It's a molasses for malice foods. What is molasses? When you said mince, do you mean like polos or like mince meat? Mintz with a tea.

Mint, like with a tea? Polos? Yeah, they love it. They love a mint impbri. It's like a sugar cube, isn't it? Doesn't that make them horny? Is that what you meant to do?

There's too much going on for this dion. You're not trying to get them. to fuck before they sleep. Yeah, but that's a thing. Or is it a sugar cube up the arms next morning? Well, you could milk it's come. It could be a good horse.

You can't milk a dying horse. Not a problem. No, but if it's dying, it's like, oh my God, this is fucking red rum. We need this come. Red cum. Maybe that's a bit bleak, but surely you'd wank it off and get it to come. I think you're, if you've got a breeding horse, you've already got its comb, haven't you? Yeah.

What if you forgot? Oh, God. What if you, like, you were like, do you know what? We need to fucking get a bit of his jizz. But you know what? Let him run into the fucking 4.30 in a Kempton first. And then we'll deal with that in another day. And then the 4.30 in Kempton, you know, maybe there's a just stop oil streaker.

Getting away the horse, the horse breaks his leg. And the owner has to come over and be like, I'm just like, I'm just like, it's like when he takes Snape's tears before he dies. Yeah. Taking the horse's come. Yeah. Take it. Take it.

It's a really traumatic final. hours for this horse, isn't it? No, I've got a broken leg. It's getting wanked off. It's getting force fed and then shot. But then you put the horses come under a microscope and it shows you the horse's memory and it turns out they fancied your mum all along.

Is that snake? That's a snake bit. That's a snake bit. You find out the horse is actually a good guy. You've seen that Harry Potter. I've seen the later ones less. Oh, that's the last one. It's one of the last moments of the last ones.

Yeah. mostly always um at a moment yesterday on monday sorry that i think is going to be important to you it was important to me we went on the fields because it was uh the squirrels a gm it's a big big day all the squirrels all the cubs all the beavers in sogill had like their end of year jamboree thing and then the kids were playing around and playing footy and jack came and went, I'm annoyed. I'm not good at footy.

Oh, fucking your fault. And it's my fault. And we're going to sort it out. I told you that what two months ago? By the way, he was playing with nine-year-olds. He was playing with eight or nine-year-old.

So he is going to be shitter than a load of eight or nine-year-olds. That is the way to get better quicker as well. All right, yeah. Well, I'll get him in a Sunday league team next week. But those are you get better? My little brother played with me and my mates,

basically his whole childhood. And now he's genuinely one of the best players I've ever played with. It's quite annoying. Right, really, really. It broke my heart. So we're stepping it up now. Thank you. Stepping it up.

We have been playing. We've had kicker rounds in the garden, but now it's getting more. I'm going to go to sports direct and getting some proper, like... Can you buy him some boots instead? Because you're going to buy him some fucking Sondico's also. I break my heart.

Sondicos are well made. Do we come with you and pick some boots? Oh, please. No, we're not getting 40 boots. I want him to be able to wear them all the time. Trainers. Like Astros. Yeah, Astros.

Yeah, yeah. What size shoe is he? 24. 12. Like kids. Do you know what I mean? You normally go about half size up for a... You need to 13.

Right, okay, great. Yeah. Predator Astros. Oh my God, yeah. Can we buy him some boots to the field, don't not your garden? He's going to rip your loan or. Can we buy him some boots to the field?

Because your first pair of 40 boots. He needs so that other kids don't go near them because they might take their kneecap off. Right, great. Which, whatever you buy him, he's going to have immense nostalgia for in 20 years. I remember my first pair of boots with such a fucking glove. Mine were the all black Adidas with the white stripes.

Just proper, classic. World Cup with the gold studs. That was my first pair of boots. Of course, this is his second pair because I've already bought him some Sondico's about six months ago. So he'll have so much less shelter. He'll be like, oh my God.

genuinely what brand did you get him six months ago? Oh, Danny's going to be shit. I feel so sorry for this boy. You should have had two gales. I'm doing something about it, Carl. It's happening. Is he going to go for one to one coach? I'm sorry, he's not playing for England under sixes yet.

In the break, we're going to I've gone to sports our next. That's what I'm saying. Okay. Should we doing it? Yeah, we'll film it. Oh, mate, we can get them fucking everything,

chinny, isn't it? Oh, that's sick. Basically, I'm living my life as a dad that I don't want to be through you. Superb. If you could help with some of the cost, that would be fucking great as well.

Yeah, kids were two feet. What, two pieces of leather? Okay, we've got the pro direct shot. Oh, no, they will have a size. They might.

It's an adult, isn't it? They've got little, they've got little kits. They most have kids. Oh, We're going to get him a kid as well. Right.

You go there. I'll go sports direct. And between us, we'll sort it out. All right. Sick. I'm on it now. That made me sad. But also, like,

having a kick around with eight or nine year olds who've been playing 40 properly. And then come back going, I can't really do it. You're like, yeah. But it's not too late now. No, it's... Genuinely, in about two years,

it's too late. Also, it's not fucking useless, mate. You can kick a ball. I've seen it. Yeah. Got a good touch. But he's taught himself,

that. Has he got guns? No, he's not. I've taught him in the garden with the goal that I bought him. This is not complete dereliction of duty. Has he got cones? No, he's got...

You need them getting used to dribbling. Even if he's going to be like a centre-half, you need him getting used to just go in and... Like John Stones. Yeah. John Cones. Yeah, that's what I'll tell him. What can the project be?

Project Stanley Matthews. This is his hero. On the wing now, yeah? Jag Nightingale. Do you think he's going to be a particularly quick chop? No. Mentally? No, like, legs.

Legs. He's quick in the legs. He's a big lad compared to the underfed children in his class. No, tall. He's one of the taller kids in the year. Might have a little centre off. Center half, in it. Oh, no, don't pitch at defensive midfield.

But you're not tall either. Because then if he turns into a great midfielder, great. And then if he doesn't quite reach that level, you're just dropping back. And he'd already leave. Jack Colback. He could be Patrick Vieira. That's what I want him to be. He looks a lot more like Jack Colback.

I don't know. For now, Carl, you do. But in the future, he might look like Patrick Vieira a bit more. Right, okay. No one had thought Michael Jackson looked more like Jack Colbac than Patrick Vieri when he was born. Wow. No one said that ever.

Might get reverse Michael Jackson disease and turn it to a black French defense midfielder. We're just going to work. Because that's all Michael Jackson starts. Patrick Vieira YouTube all the time. Daddy, I need to do my phonics. Never mind that. genuinely though if you teach him now

because when you're a kid everyone wants to be either a winger or a striker don't they and then eventually it's when you get like 13 14 people realise actually the best players playing centre midfield but if you teach him now the discipline it takes to play defensive mid

he'll be so much better at that by the time he gets to that age and he'll be fucking spreading out getting him scarring in the house yeah like when he walks in a room put things he's meant to look at Like, when the tell he's on,

just tell him, like, every three seconds, just check your shoulders and just occasionally just be there. Do you know what I mean? Just be behind and be like, ah, yeah. So just constantly scaring my child. Yeah. Yeah.

Just where am I? Just get him. Constantly, him a ball at his feet and just say, like, I'm hunting that down. Protect that ball at all time. Say to him, Jack, in that room, there's three petrol bombs. And he's like, do you know what I mean? I have to explain what a petrol bomb is, yeah. But once he's got it, he'll be...

It's not awful. You have to explain what petrol bombs. Robbins are yet. Who's the eligible for? Is it just England he's eligible for? That I know. France as well. I mean, like, I don't know about Laura's

like grandparents were they Irish or whatever? Scottish. He's new players then. He could get in the Scotland team. Probably now. Yeah. Is there now African in either of a legal lineage? There is a little on Laura's side.

I think it shows with that batty. Gardner? Bum. Cote d'Ivoire. Cote d'I? Cote d'I. We could be the nextrogba. That's why. That's what we're hoping.

But the era maybe. You know, that's really... How old are you now? Four, five. It feels like he's older since we started this conversation. He could legitimately play with Yandhi Amanda

if he makes it in time because he'd be 18 when Yandhi amanda, he's 32. Well, that's what I'll tell him. Tell him to just wash Yaddi and Monday. Sit down. I had a big afternoon. You know Yandhi Amanda?

You don't? Well, never mind it. Well, let's go into petrol bombs. That's going to... It's what you've got to do as a dad, isn't it? Yeah, but that's your retirement, didn't it? Him being the new Patrick Vieira. Yeah, you buy your house, wouldn't he?

If he was a multimillionaire, which, you know, the future footballer will be. I mean, obviously the house is going to be in the Cauduardois. Caudelaire. Right, can we go to the shop? Honestly, I'm genuinely excited, because this is such a fucking watershed moment. Do it?

Should we go? Yeah. All right, nice. break who who this is going to be a section

and a half and Stee has never given me a whiz like that what did you get for Jack lads you helped

but I honestly I think I'd have gone Sondico but one of the better Sondico's I got stared at like you were

going to disown me and I wouldn't own any of the podcast anymore so I think this is good you don't want your kids to be called Sondico

for the rest of his life do you come on bro Don Siko Hungman's son, Dico. Yeah, they're good, by the way. They're nice.

They're gorgeous, mate. He's going to be the cock of the school in them. Five-year-old predators, also. Like father-like son? Oh, shit, yeah. I've got predators for a kid. They're also Velcro predators because he is five, so he's a bit of a, you know, he's not,

he can't do his own laces. That's fair. I'm going to get him another pair for when he is a little tiny bit, but I'm going to get him like a size two. Right. Better one, aren't he? Yeah. I'm going to get him as an ex-peer.

I'll get them like today and bring them in on Monday or I'll bring them to yours or not. Let's just get him a lifetime of predators. I mean I would happily fund her. All right, great. This should go down very well. I also didn't scrimp on that.

Get that off the table now or my mum will kill you. No, new shoes on the table. Sorry, I. No, she will smite you. No, don't put it upside down. That's going to be worse. Is that worse?

You just don't put new shoes on the table, do you? Because you get fucking fisted? By the hands? Land of God. My Maradonna. Dan, take it off the table. Lawler's got so many

shoes on tables at home. I call them Maradonna. And Adidas kid socks. Nice. I can say Adidas though. Yeah, it's like saying Nike.

It's not as offensive as cinema. And... Hard to stars today. Because when the World Cup is on, what you need is a Euro-2004 Germany. Adidas ball. Tell us that, is it?

2004. 2004? No, sorry. 2020. 2024. Oh, that's the tell start, is it?

How many keep you up? I don't know. 2004, the glued one. Oh, you got four. Two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine. Oh, this is good. Um, all right. Last podcasting. Yep.

Fifteen. Six. Wow. Lucky ladies, he's got a girlfriend. That's good. That is pretty good. You are now better dad.

I tell you what I did do. Got back and went, I have not got anything foretta there. So I'm going to have to go in and go, Hey. Pink Preds. Think what? Pink preads.

Pink preads. For the lady. Yeah. I don't think she'll be bothered. What I'm going to do is go, I'm going to take you shopping. Which is, like for a non-

She likes lush, isn't she? No, I'm clothes shopping. You can't buy a bath bomb. You can't buy predators for your son and then get her a bath bomb.

You can't. That's what girls want. If I turned up at Carl's house a pair of 40 boots for him and a bath bomb's a head of care, he's one. No, as a dad, you can't spend 50 quid on foot and stuff.

Yeah, there's six bath pumps. Right, all right. It's easy to be a good dad. To a boy. Buying footy boots and don't kiss him. Right. And then take her shopping and kiss her. Is that the alternative?

You can kiss your kids. You can't tongue kiss them. Just give her the cash. Just give her the cash. Yeah. Right. I'm going to take her to... I'm going to take a shop in and go,

you can pick what you want. That to a nine-year-old. By the way, I've done that twice in the last sort of six months. That goes down really well. Stocks? Yeah, I also get her stocks and shares. She's into crypto. Again.

So she's asked, if you went home and went, I can take your shopping and she went, no, that would rather 50 quid a light coin? Would you just do it? I wouldn't, this is the good thing. I wouldn't know how to do it. That's great. That's the great thing about crypto. I don't understand it.

I don't know where to get it. I don't know what the dark web is. I'm a moron. You don't have to buy crypto on the dark web. Do you not? No. It's going to be used on the dark web. Oh, she wants dark crypto.

What if she says to you know, keep that for the rainy day and I'll let you know when it's raining. That'd be weirdly. threatening and poetic, wouldn't it? Put that in your pocket. But then she wants interest, she wants a vig on it. She's like, right, that's been... She's always... She's always...

That would be a good way to teach her about the value of the pound. Yeah. You just tell her, I'll give you 50 quid now, or you can leave it in my bank, and every week you leave it in there, I'll add a ten or to her, and then eventually you can...

Not joking. It's good bank, that. We did this. A year and a half ago, I went, look, you've got some Christmas money, she spent some. I was like, if you put it in the bank of dad, I will add to it every month

she had like 60 quid and I said every month that you keep it at 60 quid I'll add a fiver and within two weeks she felt stressed she went oh yeah that's good and Laura was like okay we'll see how this goes and within two weeks she was stressed that I wasn't letting her spend of money

and she went and bought loads of plastic shite ah she's fucking stupid ban she'll be a stockbroker no she's not looking like she's going to be it's the crypto again I don't know. What's her shop? Where did you take her?

Clare's. For clothes? No, she likes clothes. J.D. Sports is... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if you told her she can buy whatever she wants and she says she wants

to buy a weed so that she can sell her on? That's, I get Uncle Finn involved. He's my guy. What if she goes... Get my connect. Get me 50, but... Get me 50 quits worth a fucking guy.

Get me some hash, lad. Get me some hash so I can bash it up with some shite and sell it on to these pigs at school. So I'd say, just to stop me there, look. You're gonna get hash and mix it with cocaine.

This is bashed hash this, etter. Shut off. You're gonna sweat a weed. What do you mix hash with? Like, fucking lettuce or something? If it's with heroin,

it's hash brown. You put it in a joint or you have it with tobacco. No, that's not how we do it. It's not how we do it. It's all the state's primary school. We get hash and bash cocaine into it.

Because this is what, year four is on fire. If I go down to a hash forest and shop it down. Right. From the hash trees. And I get a little, a big bucket of hash. Yeah. What can I mix that with to expand it?

Tobacco? No. We need like a brown, like a play-dowy, like. Dry baby poo. Well, not hash then fucking ganja or something. Leave the hash cheese at all. Go to the ganja tree. No, she's got loads of play-dough.

This is great. She can have 50 quid of ganja. Right? And then I'll get some. Green and brown Play-Doh, she'll mix it in. They're the same as Sweet Mary Jane. It's similar. They're not quite the same.

These are all questions they'll ask at school. So I've got a, let's say I've got a ganja tree, and I chop it all up and I've got loads of ganja, like, chopped up. Like, what could I mix with that to, like, double me stock without it cost me anything? You probably have to grind it up first. So it just looks like a... Harpada, yeah. Yeah, or like a ground-up stuff.

So maybe, like, some salary or something. No, but he's got loads of, like, See, because of his, like, cooking. Oh, yeah. You get the ganja, and then you just, you know, herbs and spices. Nice. Have you ever been halfway through adubian?

You've been like, hang on a minute. That's fucking Rosemnity in time. I've smoked lavender before. The detective partnership. On my back. Steve, we need ibuprofen when you go to Costco tomorrow. You've smoked lavender. What, did you just fucking fraser beef?

I had a really nice night's sleep. When I was a skin student, you'd try and make you, We go longer, so you'd put other stuff in it, because I've never smoked with tobacco. So you'd put other stuff in it, and lavender's one of the things they suggest. Fucking great. I put a tea bag in there once. That was a low moment.

Hey, crazy time at his uni. Wow. Do you remember that time at uni when we smoke potpourri? Yeah, yeah, I know. I smoked the PG tips. That was, yeah, that was... Oh, pyramid bag? What?

No, I broke the bag open. I didn't smoke the bag. What, there was pinnemic bags? Be it with that gimmick. What a lot of the shite? You've just fucking throw me back there. Did you remember that? Is it just me?

Welcome to, is it just me with Carl Rego? It's just me? Fucking pin up in tea bags. You should have been. Shite. They were better, weren't he? You could still get them? Wasn't it just a gimmick to make you go,

oh, these are different shape? I buy a page tapes because they've bloody triangles. No, I think the gimmick was when they fucking bought Johnny Vegas a monkey and made him fucking... That was like... Go to that, though. Oh, monkey! Monkey!

That's me Vegas. I know who it is. No, apparently they are better. Shite. In what way? Do you even drink tea? No, but look it. Oh, the triangle now.

Gives leaves 50% more room to fully expand. And what is that on? Pyramidbags.com. Exactly. You know, in the bottom of a big pyramid bag. No one knows who made them is the thing. Leading on from that, I think it was the Jews. Where is on?

PG tips penamids I thought you honestly Jewish slaves made the pyramid PG tips that's the do you know that that sounded so much in my

but you won't have heard that but you said that over a jingle just made it sound insane I think it's the juice question it's the juice oh do we miss question

Spend says oh sorry I'll do it again where I go Spence says what is more the amount of bit you're all right

when I can hear that it bothers me It gives me a little... Do it. Do it. It lies me, spine, I can't tell you. What is more?

The amount of beers that Adam has drank in his life or the amount of individual tokes Finn has had on a Tunisian dib-dab. Oh, what? Your dad's cough.

A bullion. Wow. I'm spasmin. I'm spasmin. You suck your dad off more times than... It's a spliff. It's a spliff. I reckon...

How many pulls in a spliff, do you reckon? Oh. Someone knows this terminology. I reckon I've averaged 20 bevies a week since I was 16. How many pulls on a bong? I think... Do you want to do the math on that?

That's 18,000 points. Fucking hell. I think... I think you're probably doing... It's a thousand a year for 18 years. Do you think you've had 18,000 puffs? possibly George Michael did

he loved drugs he loved smoking drugs don't you act like he didn't was he a gangamon he got out of Gondgaman oh yeah yeah he bought it off etter all you have to do

now is I have some spliff I don't know that one you gotta have spliff spliff spliff and other George Michael's on insane Club Trapicana Spliff are we going

WAM, yeah. What's that WAM? Yes. I'm just going straight George Michael, maybe. We've lost our mind. 18,000 pints.

I think it's like between 10 to 20 toks in a joint. In a joint. Yeah, but sometimes. How many joints do you have a week?

Sometimes you're sharing. I've cut down massively now, but in my peak, it was like five a day. What? A hundred, you would have an 100,

tokes a day? Yeah. But that is like, that's when I was in uni. That's 700 a week. How long are you in uni for? Four years. Seven hundred a week.

You were smoking five joints a day for four years. Yeah, but some of it was laughing. Some days it was more than that. Some days it was less than that. Okay. Like, Hot box.

Hot boxing day, it can be like... It's thin and it's not even close, you know. At what point does it... At what point is there no more high to reach month? Well, it's the same with anything in it. You've got to build the tolerance to it. Like, no, after five in a day, you can't surely get a new height.

Finn had more tokes on a spliff in a year, in one year at uni, than I've had pints in my life, based on my numbers. He had 35,000 in a year, and I think I've had 18,000 total. Finn, I'm a cool guy. Yeah, also I don't think he's trying to get more high every time.

He's just trying to get back to that. Like you're chasing the dragon. Yeah, yes. But it's also fun. It's a fun dragon to chase. The dragon's like playing hard to get. Come on. Come get me.

Come on. You're chasing the dragon. No, I'm actually smoking a PG-tips. The dragon's miles off. Beautifully done. See, if I, have, Have I smoked and had that noise? That'd be bad.

Sam says, question lit. If you had something stuck up your ass, how long would it take for you to go to the hospital? One is it? Depends on the item. A he-man. That is a good... From the future.

If it's a he-man. Time-travelling he-man? No. No. Not a he-man from the future. My joke was taken... Yeah, no, I got it. He-Man Master of Uranus.

I know, it was the universe winner. A he-man, if it was a... What if it was like a Lego man, so it was that big? I mean, a He-Man's... I'd just leave him in there till he fancied coming out. I don't think he's trying to get out. Is he not, is he not causing, like, a block lane on the motorway? Is that not causing some, like...

Yeah, but I'm about to release a fucking tsunami to wash him out, mate. But he's got... The barriers are over it. You can't get down it. He used to push Play-Dove. shapes. Pooh come up like a leg or my.

Spaghetti shit. No, I think if I have I pushed... 24 hours. I mean, your ass has got suction it. I don't think it comes out, does it? You're also, like when Ryan Dunn put

that car up his ass and jackass, he just pooed around it. It's just an exit, isn't it? Because your ass goes, No, no, it's not. After 24 hours, I'd go and get it surgically removed, but I'd give myself 24 hours to try and shite it out.

Surgically removed. You're not going to have a rummage first. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. You're not trying to say. No, I think you're not trying to. You're pushing it further, aren't you? You haven't got to clot?

I think it's more, are you... If something's up there and it's causing me discomfort, I'm just going to deal with it immediately and go, I'm going straight to hospital. Because 24 hours could be the difference of it disappearing. Do you know where it is? No, I know, but doesn't it? Abu Hamza, you get all easy.

Yeah, so I'd just go to Abu Hamza. Great question, Sam. Is Abu Hamza allowed to use his own hook at the Christmas mark? It's on the duck game. It's a prize every time, isn't it? It doesn't say no, bringing your own hooks. We are so topical. Abu Hamza and Pyramid tea bags.

What do you want in 2008? You banter. You're welcome. Apu Hamza. If I shoves something up to my ass like a Lego man and I knew it was gone. I'm going to Ozzie pretty quickly. Would you lie about how it happens?

My ass is just a shit. What? Would you go? Oh, I got cute. I shoved it. A Lego man up my ass. Would you go, I sat down really hard

on this, you like, no, because they're not stupid in the hospital, are they? Yeah, but I go,

listen, I was, you know, I was being a bit experimental and I've shoved a he man at me eyes. Yeah,

but there must have been someone who, that was their real thing and they've gone, yeah. I think it's so few people where they go, whatever,

meet, we'll get an open, I honestly think nurses and doctors have seen, they've seen it all, they've seen it all, I've seen most of it. You can definitely surprise,

You haven't seen a man he's his own head. No. No, I mean, just in... Why are you there? I'm gonna show, son. But you haven't seen everything. Yeah, if you go in with the George Foreman grill up your ass, you are going to get a few raised eyebrows from the...

I sat down fast on this George Form and grill. If you had Abu Hamza's hook, but you act to change it for a different, like, kitchen utensil, which one do you think would be the best one? Fucking hell. No, I think whiskey is the fit Because my brain went there But then you go when

How often use a fruit? Abba Hamza on the celebrity bake-off Oh, my. Knife? I'm going spatula me. Like, yeah, but knives have got other uses in the world. Yeah, tongs. Trot these are the most useful

just in day-to-day life. You can probably drive with tongs. But you can essentially just tongs. Is it essentially just tongs? Yes, with them. No, I'm going, I like an egg, flipper me. That's a spatula. No, I've got a plastic egg flipper.

What's this spatula? Do you mean the big, long, floppy spatula? No, no, no. It's like, it's made for it. It's like shorter things. It's for getting eggs. Flipping. Yeah.

And then also, you don't have to take it off if you're being a bit kinky in the bedroom. It's a little spanker. Yeah. I'm gone with knife. I think knife's the most useful in the world. Not as fun in the bedroom. What about one of those?

Then that's going to be inconvenient. Was it on this week's Patreon? You told us about the prank where someone takes a picture of someone and then they get them to unlock a safe? Yeah. Yeah. Was that on the pod or was that while we were in Blackwell? Right.

So you know that prank? Yeah. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, they got, they took a picture of a fellow getting out of his car who they'd hired to come and crack their safe because they were like, we forgot the code to her.

By the time he's got to the safe, they've put a picture off and getting out of that car in the safe and they open it. You could do that with an nurse and put it up your ass. You know what I mean? Right.

You could put like a memory card up your ass. Yeah. But you can like Bluetooth upload stuff too. And the picture. if it's here with a hand up your ass trying to get it out. Do you think they go? Do you think they look? Like, what's on this then?

Right, we've got it out of his ass. Get me a laptop. No, but you tell her to, you go, have a look on that. Oh, it's like a dynamo kind of thing. Oh, shit. Now, look at that. You said they've seen everything.

No, they haven't seen that. They haven't. Or maybe you wait until a nurse is on like a hendoo or whatever, right? and she's at a magic show, yeah? And you go, pick any card, any card. Remember that you take a picture of her with that card, right? And then you just wait decades. You don't finish the magic, you just walk away.

Yeah, you just, oh, sorry, it doesn't work, whatever. And you wait decades, and then you go into an hospital, and she puts the memory card in, just goes seven of spades. Decades. And she goes, I've been waiting for that for decades. Hang on, this is, that. years ago. Tadda!

27 years ago. Today. Wow. And look behind you and it says 27 on the wall. This is Ward 27. Did I can read the Ward. Oh my. Well, it's not World 27.

It's Ward 26. Like, it's close enough. One way. And there's no Ward 27 in this hospital. Nathan Brown says, question for Adam and Dan. Would you rather give up, stand up forever? become exclusively a musical or prop comic.

I'd rather become a musical or prop comic than do nothing. Really? You don't have to do nothing. You can just get a different job. Be a writer or a podcast? I thought you'd go pretty firm on this and just be like, no, I'm not doing it. No, because I could do, like,

Bo Bernam has done musical comedy, excellently. I'd want to do it like that. I don't want to be one of these guys who's like, oh, watch me change seven words, and there you go, oh, hey, cock! That's me with the ukulele. Would you rather be a prop comic or a musical comic?

Musical, because musical can be done well. I don't think prop comedy can. Oh, look at this. Shite, I don't know? Seven of Spades? Wait 27 years and that'll pay off beautifully. Yeah, I'd like, obviously I'm not saying I could do what Bow Bairn's done, but I'd want to try and do stuff like that where it's,

he's a great musical comic. Tim Minchin is a great musical comic. Bill Bailey's a great musical comic. They're a great musical comic. that are great musical comics There's no great prop comic Who is the best? Tim Vine, surely

Benag That's bang out of order That's like some It really has lost all Like it's really not fashionable The prop stuff He's more of one minor And I'd love to get him on the pod

But I can't watch more than like A minute of it A minute of it I'm like And then on minute three I'm like Just fucking shoot me He'd love him

But if you want to come on No but he's great at what he does It's just really not for me Like it's all one-liners what other famous prop comic because I thought he was just a one-line comic

I wouldn't have thought he is but he uses props to punch to switch it up a bit I'll say this though if you're ever a bill with newer comics or whatever and a prop suitcase

comes out I'm super excited probably for some of the wrong reasons but makes me happy when I'm like oh this is going to be shone um

any famous ones Finn it's all about 80s isn't it? The amazing Jonathan. I don't know that guy. Oh, well, apart from him. You're going to South Africa? Wasn't he the South African

Prime Minister? It's Nelson Mandela. No. Play for South Africa and was the South African Prime Minister. Wasn't it like Goodwill Jonathan or something? Was there South Africa?

You're thinking of Goodwill hunting to film at Matt Damon in? Google that? It was like, no, it's definitely a film with Matt Damon. And there wasn't Matt Damon in that film about Nelson Mandela

with the rugby? Invictors. Yeah. Isn't it Goodwill Jonathan or something? Good luck, Jonathan. And he was, was the president of Nigeria. Oh, V-A-R.

Oh, V-A-Nigeria. Boss name, though. Let's give us some advice. Can we all we do sections three and four before we do section two? Oh, dear. I'll tell you the best thing to do. If you want to do it, you'll be fine.

If you don't, you might do time. Let's give us some advice. If you want to send it in, have a word pod at gmail.com for all your have a words and advice and questions that is the email molly says hi lids need some advice i recently started a new job and hung up on one of our best customers because he said his name was john crisp and i thought it was a prank call my boss was booming how do i explain to him why i fucked up and how do i make amends uh well this is a slight uh tangent but before we started recording about the time he got baptized in but oh and uh you were like

got done by John the Baptist. I was baptized by John the Baptist. So was I. Father John Jerry. So was I? You weren't seen Paul's by you? No. I was seen Paul's.

I was father. He wasn't John the Baptist, but yeah. Well, did he baptize her? Yeah. Is his name John? Yeah. He's John the Baptist? He's John the Baptist?

Yeah, he's not the John the Baptist. The fourth. Do they just call all the Baptist John now? Just for like ease. No, my dad got on by someone called Leon. Leon the Baptist. Leon backstst. By the way.

Hang on. Barry the Baptist is in Lockstock as well. I'm not following this. I'm just watching you paint with words. So how do you got, no, I don't need the full... Hardy got baptized by someone called John McArthur. I'm going to get it anyway.

I got baptized by... Yeah. You know who John the Baptist is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's John the Baptist? John the Baptist. Who is he? Is he mates with Thomas Aquinas?

Not far off. Oh, I'm going to have forgot. You... Why would you know who John the Baptist was? He baptized Jesus No Yeah

Wow Big John got that one In the River D In the River D in Chester How are people baptized I thought people were baptized For Jesus So how was Jesus

baptized? Because he started it He started the trend He was just drowning And a guy called John saved him Oh yeah That's a good point I thought you get baptized

In the name of the father The Son and the Holy Spirit No it was just the start They were going Who's the son He was going No I think that's now once Catholicism became a thing,

I think he was like baptized, but as a Jew, ish man. Oh, probably needed a Google on that one. And so funny that we expect, because it's so, that was so part of it. I mean, I should probably know it, but... No, but you shouldn't?

I didn't do... My missus went to a non-religious school, both of her schools, had nothing to do with religion. And she knows, like, nothing about this. Like, not... It's weird, because there's so many little things that are, like, ingrained into it as,

like religious doctrine that is just like part of your vernacular and... Like I thought you were taking the piss because John the Baptist is... I think John the way, why would you? You're not even... Was it by the way, John, was that the disciple John? No. Oh. No, it was. It was. It was Pontius Palace, wasn't he? It was the disciple. Was he? Yeah, he was like, come join my gang. He was like Gary Glither. Can you just check? Was Jesus baptized as a Jew?

Yeah, he was. Say? I didn't know they did it. Mine was drunk in boo. He dropped me in the font. And he wasn't called John. I think he was called like Paddy or something. Paddy the Baptist. Paddy the Baptist.

He worked in the office. He choked me out. He worked in the office and he just got him to do it. Apparently he was always, apparently he was just bladded at all the time. I know a lot of people who have been struck. Not a lot. I know too.

They've been gone because he got kept getting drunk. Because he can't do it. Can't do it? So Molly, in answers your question. You're four kids. Just cite scripture. It'll be fine. What was it again?

It was John Crisp. Oh, yeah. Don't know. John Crisp. Last one, wag wag. Bit of an anonymous advice, please. I was working in a hotel the other day and a PCSO community busy came in

because it was pissing down. He said he was just getting out of the rain. This was at 10 a.m. Me and my team got on with our work while this guy just sat in the lobby scrolling Facebook and watching footy highlights. He left at 1 p.m., 3.m., three full hours of scyving on the taxpayers dime.

I made a note of his badge number. Question is, do I report the shithouser in become a grass or let this scumbag get paid by us to do fuck all for three hours? Thoughts. The PCSO is the police community support officer. They can't arrest you,

but they can be like, hey, you're littering. Apparently if he can, but it's like a citizen's arrest. It's no more. They're allowed to ask you to stay where you are until the police get there and you can just go.

Fuck off your little plastic plod. Right. It's basically like police training, isn't it? Hard time pigs come. They can detain you for 30 minutes. Oh, wow. Oh, they can't. Can they?

Yeah. Have you got handcuffs? I don't know. I don't think they have. They've got like with the thing, with the referees, they just draw a line round you. Don't leave this circle.

This could be your body. Have you seen nothing with spiders? They can't leave. can't be. So if you, if you draw a circle like on the floor, a spider won't cross

the line of the circle because it's like I fucking can't get past that. Is the spiders or ants? But I think both. But then if you sort of nudged it across it and it realizes it can

that it will never stop it again. And people use it to show like how humans need to like sort of realise they're not as limited as you think they are. Respect spiders. The spiders are. limits has been there? I think it's Hans.

Derren Brown did it where he just put a, he put like a tenor on the ground and painted around it, and everyone avoided the tenor because it had paint around it. That's the push, isn't it? Yeah. And then he made someone push some of a building. Yeah? Yeah. What was the question? John Chris,

Billing. Would you grass up a PCSO? No, because then you end up like Finn. Yeah, Finn's a bad snooper snitch now. Snooper snitch. Snooper snitch. Snooper snitch. Snooker snitch. She's snooper snitch. Yeah, it's shitty on the guy for being a fucking little shitty but like don't join the crew of super snitchers

by going, that PCSA wasn't here his job. Yeah, but if he was through this job... All right, traffic warden. If a traffic warden was Skyvin and you saw and you saw his traffic warden badge number. No? But traffic wardens are the ultimate grasses, aren't they?

But a traffic warden means people aren't getting tickets. Yeah, that's cool. What bothers me about traffic wardens is they applied for that job. Do you mean? Like, they were like, oh, it's a lovely open. an eighth, a traffic warden. Don't your son to grow up and be a traffic warden?

What, you've done something wrong there? We saw one yesterday that was wearing wellies. Would you rather your son be a traffic warden? Or a non-offending paed a fan? Non-offending pedophile. Although I wanted to have more get up and go than that. I think he's more likely to be called an non-as of traffic warden.

Yeah? He's got to drive. I think he's taking his Adidas predators too far. Yeah, and traffic, no. Fuck off. All right. Well, that's a section. I hope you enjoy Paddy Young.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to part three of this week's show. We're joined for the first time member by Star of SNL, star of the Paddy Will Help podcast, and soon to be touring, it's Paddy Young. Thanks, fellas. Thanks so much for having me. That promo's never been done for anyone before. That is the first time we ever did that. Like, we're fucking emceeing the cellar in New York.

I think that's... That felt really good. Can I give you a back-handed compliment? started early. So, you know, like, Vittorio Angeloani? Yeah. I always imagine him as much shorter than he is because he's got like short man energy, right?

Yeah. He comes across as short, and then you meet him and you're like, fucking hell, you're tall. You're the opposite. Yeah. I thought you were going to be like six, too. Really?

And you're not, are you? I'm not, no. Someone met me and they said, you look taller behind the desk. Yeah, you do. You look taller like even on your little interstate. Instagram selfies. Little Instagram selfies.

Noted. Do you know what I mean? What's the better way around? What you mean? It would be better to be six foot four, I think. No. But I'm metal man energy. No.

I'd rather be a dwarf that gives off, like, massive energy. How tall are you? Five, ten. Oh, there you go. There's what shoes. It depends what lie he wants to do. But then. You're like a twink?

Huh? You're like a twink. No, a twink is a small, slim gay man. He's a club. I am a chunky little straight. Oh, so yeah, you're like a bear Or not, I think he was a cub, isn't he? Sorry?

A bear has to be big, he's a cub. I'd be a cub, yeah. Cubs stroke bear. If I was a homosexual man, I would imagine I'd be a bottom, and I'm not tall enough to be a bear, so I'm a little cub. I'd be the little cub, the prey.

Would you be the bottom? Huh? Would you? In my opinion, if sexuality was a choice, I think if you're going to choose to be gay, you choose to be the bottom. Right.

Do I mean? Because if you're choosing to be the top, you could be putting you willy in anyone's bum. You see, people have misconceptions about this podcast. You walk in and it looks like you're in GTA. There's like boxer dogs everywhere. Everyone looks like work experience kids, but they're doing community service.

And then the first thing you're talking about is, I imagine myself as a power button. I imagine, like, if I was going to make that decision, if that was possible to choose... You choose to be a bottom? Yeah. Because otherwise, like, that, like, you know, With the right wig, you're still straight up to back.

But if you're down there, you know, that is, that's the, you know. People skate over the power bit of that phrase. Isn't that you can take really good? Sorry? Isn't a power bottom? I do speak English, by the way. I think I'm not going to ask Adam about this. I do speak English.

Isn't power bottom just means like I can take it well? Oh, I don't know. I think it means like, it means like I'm good at being bummed. Really? Hmm. I love it how we brought Paddy who isn't gay And then you're short What do you think about gay sex?

Listen Patty, you live in London Clear a few things up for us I've got the definition A Power Bottom is a person Who despite being the receptive Or penetrated partner during sex Is highly assertive, confident And takes control of the encounter

You have read me well I am a power bottom If I was a gay man But I'm not So if anything I'm just a powerful person Yeah Yeah.

That's good to know. Five-time. What did you do to your wrist? I cut it with a samurai sword. Sorry? On purpose? No, not on purpose. No, I didn't like do anything dishonorable.

By the way, thank you for offering me this, but I really was like, yeah, could someone open it? Oh, shit. It was really nice, and it's a really nice brand of water. So if you're just no dexterity in it, hand that time? Yeah, 90% lacerated the ring finger. Thank you, Adam. That's really kind of you. How and why did this?

happen because I don't think there's many accidental samurai sword injuries. They're normally quite intentional. Yeah, this is a first. What? Tell us the story. I was doing a show with Sam Campbell. He's a comedian. Do a show called floggers where audience members have to bring 70 pounds in cash and something to sell and we play like auctioneers. Sam's just been using it as a prop at his shows. He's been like cutting fruit in the air and things like it's kind of easier to buy props than right jokes sometimes, don't you think? Yeah, totally. Yeah. It's a crutch, in it? Yeah, definitely.

It's like character acts as well. It's like, come on, Mom. Yeah. It shows who you really are. Yeah. Until it fell out of the sheaf in my flat. It was crazy. It spotted blood up my wall.

I fainted. Was this on stage? No, this was, it would have been good. They felt it had been like monetizable. Yeah. You just did it in the house? Did it in the house? They went to weigh in E.

I didn't have it operated on. What? How did this happen? What was going on at the time? The Uber came earlier than I expected. it to and I picked up all the bag full of stuff and it fell out the sheath and landed on my finger. And they're like the sharpest swords ever.

And it's the real samurai sword. Oh, of course. The real sword. And I think it's illegal. He brought it on the tube, which we've since found out is like, you really shouldn't be doing it. It's a sword. Transport for London don't love samurai's on the tube. They hate that. They have signs now. If you keep it sheathed, I think it's fine. This was in a sheath,

but it fell out of it. I think once it's fell out of it, that's when you're liable. Right. I think if it's in a sheath, it's like, like, the fellow, like, the policeman will be breaking the law by unsheathing it because now you're like, now you're oldening it. Yeah. When I had it, it was...

The thing is, you... The thing is, you... The thing is, you... No. You learn a lot about samurai safety after it happens. Have you... So I've been told a lot of this since, but none of this before. Any permanent damage to the...

We don't know. I got it operated on. They put it back together. I can, I can't, like... I can take it out of this. I can... That's how much I can bend it right now. So it's like I can have damage.

Yeah. And then I can't, yeah. It looks... It's on, isn't it? Yeah, it's still there. Yeah. And that's like the main thing. Is that your,

is that your typing hand? Oh, no, that's not, that's my secondary hand. That's my mouse hand. Okay, good,

yeah, yeah. Hang on. Do you all use your weaker hand for a mouse? I've said that before, because I learned, I learned, I started pouring on a PC.

I was using the mouse on the right hand, so I learned with my left hand. Really? That's like a generational thing, maybe. Yeah, I'm like messy.

He's left foot. He was quite messy, yeah. I learned because I, because I learned how to use the mouse with right hand, like, pleasure myself. I wasn't talking about masturbation at all, by the way.

He was actually talking about my. Well, I sensed from Carl, there was something. Yeah, we did the wing. Yeah, there was masturbation. You could be like the same guy, couldn't you?

Do you know, like you could play each other. Do you think? Yeah, I think so. And then you could be the next one along. Yeah, I could be like, you know, the, when you get your lives together

and it's like, now they're sorted. Well, that's you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll be when you eventually get really ill Yeah, I like the dynamic that one of you's hairy And one of you's bored, it's like, yeah, Gail Porter and Jamie Thexton

That's exactly, that's how we pitched it to each other And Adam was like, who will I be? And it's like, it doesn't matter. He sent me a voice notes and he was like, look, I'm looking for me, Jamie Thickson And I was like, what you mean about that? And he was like, I'm Gail Porter. I was like, I don't know who these people are. Was Gail Porter, the bald one?

Yeah. Yeah. Was she bald because of serious illness or because of just alopecia? Pisha, wasn't it? I don't know, actually. No, yeah, she just lost it through. Is she the one who got shot? No, it's Jill Dando.

Right. She wasn't always bald and famous. I think she lost it whilst being famous. Is that what happened to you? Yes, it's when I started doing Heat magazine. The stress really got to me. I was like, I shouldn't be getting my chebs out. Yeah.

I'm so much more. Yeah. He can cause hair loss. Nice. That's done. This is really good. You know those type of magazines where it's like proper celebrity culture and like they

can be sort of paparazzi style and they can be a bit invasive but then sometimes like someone like Vicki Patterson who we've had on the show loads of times like she sold a wedding to like heat magazine didn't they? They're like we'll pay for you wedding

we'll give you a bit of money we want the exclusive. Was it okay or hello? Was it which one? Which one's the one that throws like a quarter of a million one isn't it? And hello I think. I think the big money one was okay I think it was like the Beckham's one. Yeah.

Would you ever sort of, like, if you were like mad famous when you married Laura, and you got offered money to do that, but it had to be the wedding. You can't just do a little jargon where it's like, oh, come and take pictures, and then you did the real one. It's the official wedding you'd only do them one.

Because this could happen to you. SNL's taken off, congratulations, by the way. That's really kind of, thank you. Absolutely loved all of it. Really? All the whole thing? No, there was a couple of shit. But like, I loved your bit.

Like, I genuinely think, compared to the expectation, I think it's absolutely smashed it. And the sketches have been, like, so much of a higher standard than 99% of people, especially, like, you're really starting on the back foot with loads of fucking media types of being like, oh, they're not going to be able to make this work. And you just fucking have. And the weekend update's being genuinely great. Thanks, lad. You could become paddy young SNL, like the Michael Shea of the UK. How tall's he? Four foot 11

The Colin Jost of the UK Oh yeah That would be lovely Were you gonna ask a question about the wedding I was gonna ask if he would sell his wedding But he's already married Are you married? No

Would you sell your wedding To a magazine? Yeah Yeah I think I would you know A quarter of a million They just pay for the wedding But you've basically got on the missing spend on the wedding

Has anyone ever done it with their funeral? That's next for me That would be so good If it would be for your family maybe That would be so good And I think people couldn't say it's tacky because you're doing it for your legacy, maybe. You can stream it.

And you've got an unlimited budget for it? If I pass, you can sell my funeral to her. For the patrons? Yeah. You can sell my funeral to the patron. We could do your... Yeah? We could do your...

Let's hope... I'll offer a good while. I just think once you're dead, it doesn't matter. You might as well sell it. You'd have to be, like, really spiritual or religious to care that your funeral's being, like, monetised. Well, I... Seneca tried to take the piss out of our way.

wedding and I had to temper her expectations a little bit because we had a wedding in Italy which we classed as the real one. Lovely. But then the legal one was in Liverpool, which was a registry office with still a big event. And she wanted to come down the aisle to Fireball by Pitbull. And I said, no, because let's not. Was Dan going to sing it? Nice.

Let's, I wanted to, I'm not traditionalist in any way. Obviously, I've done that weather that way, but I was like, let's not take the piss out of the whole thing. Do you know what I mean? We still came down the aisle to different songs, but I was like, Fireball by Pippol just feels a bit. What did you come down to?

Gay Bar. I came to Gay Bar, yeah. I was like, I'm having Gay Bar, you're not having that. You didn't really? Pardon? I didn't walk down the aisle. Oh.

As the man, you stand at the end of the aisle and wait for your heart. And then she came down to, I think she came down to Fleetwood Mac, didn't you? To what flute with Mac? Yeah, that's classy.

I may remember. Yours was, it was still fun, though. No, it was really fun. But what if someone was giving you $300. grand to make it even more fun. Yeah. You could have got people for that.

I think so. I could have been totally fan with them. It's funny. When you go to any other wedding that isn't like a white British wedding, that bit all just happens quite fluently, like the music and people getting up. You just feel,

I've been to a few this year, and that bit, the white British wedding whenever has to stand up and there's a song, it's so stiff. Yeah. They should,

I think they should do something else. What do you mean? What bit? I've been to maybe a handful of weapons. A procession of, now this person will. Yeah. And this person.

person walks and the man with his daughter it is a bit stiff enough that's why we try to loosen it ever. We do like oggy, oggy, oggy and stuff like that. I just can't, I don't remember being at a wedding where I've felt that but I think maybe it's because of the weddings I've been too recently have been like a lot of, like, Will's one was basically a little pixie wedding in the middle of the woods. That was cool, that was cute. Church weather.

Who's a one, the pixie one? Yeah, they're both quite short. This feels like a theme. It was in the woods. Tallest man in the north, Adam Rowe. It was a wedding in the woods. Like, that's true. It was a wedding in the wood. That's nice.

Yeah, it was like a pixie garden. I wasn't actually having to go with their hype by any means. Can I ask you a question, Adam? Uh-huh. You know, in comedy, people, there's always rumors about comedians and there's misconceptions, right?

One last thing I heard about you. Great. By the way, sometimes you hear terrible things. This is not terrible. Someone told me that you have a room just for your trainers. No. You used to?

Not true. I used to. Yeah. So a few years ago, I went through a break-up, and I was quite bitter about it. And the girl I was breaking up from, when we were together, she was always like, I'd love to live in town. I'd really love to live in town for a couple of years. Before we, like, maybe bought a house and settled down. And I went, no, I think that's a waste of money. Like, it's a lot more expensive to live in town.

Where we live is a 10-minute drive from town. And it's like a third of the price. So then when we broke up, I got myself a three-bedroom apartment and lived on my own for two years in town. and I have I had a bit of a sort of trainer phase so I had quite a lot of trainers so how many do you think?

60 pairs 60 to 100 yeah wow and I bought three billy bookcases from IKEA I asked the building because it was a furnished apartment so every room had like a bed in and stuff I was like could you take that bed out

of the smallest bedroom and they were like why and I was like because I live on my own, and I want to use it as like a walking wardrobe. But it was, yeah, it was just shoes. They put you a voracious reader, all those books. But yeah, I suppose I did have a room for me shoes for a while. But it's basically just because, you know, I made a snap decision to move to town whilst going through

what was probably a well-put-together mental breakdown and ended up with a three-bedroom apartment. And you've got to put Sutton in the room. It's like Scouse heroin, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. He's changed now, though. He's not as many trainers.

He's barefooter. He's got a sandal pantry. Oh, really nice. And it was a mess last week as well. You've got like Dr. Jumers. Which is me? Yeah. That's like, Joey wears a new pair of Air Force ones every day.

Is that a real, like a... That's what I heard. And I thought I'd wear my nicest, cleanest trainers for you guys because I thought you guys would not like it for a trainers. I really like the vibe. I've become more of a shoeman these days. Right.

Dan's laughing. Why? That's, yeah. He has. has. He really has. Seriously. You're quite, but you're quite like a, is it fair to say you're a cowboy? No.

No, it's not fair, but will he love it? Yes. I thought you were a cowboy. No, I'm not a cowboy. I think, you know, maybe I'd like to be one day. Yeah. I tried to do horse riding and that wasn't, I wasn't very good at it. But I'm going to take lessons on that.

I've got a few acts. I think that's what you're... I think not good at it. It is a big overshot, by the way. What do you think? There's being okay in it and then there's being what Adam was and it was he cried and asked

to get off the horse. It was a real power bottom moon. It wasn't like, I'm not really good at this it was getting me off. There's two different things. I got into country music a few years ago Paddy and I sort of like the aesthetic of this of but I've got

you know couple of acts. You should have wall of hats. Shall we say is there room for the shoes? And a wall for the hats.

I've got eight hats. All right. And one of them is me misses. So I've got seven hats. It sounded like

you call you called your misses a hat then. About eight hats. One of them and I wear a occasion. It's like a

children's book. I have, I've got eight hooks on a wall in the attic and they've all got a cowboy out on each.

Oh, do you have the hats in the attic because I guess they go on the top of the head. With the shoe room in the basement.

The shoe room in the basement. Ha, Underpants on the landing. Yeah. It's a good band. Knee back on the ground floor, please. So how many floors do you own? Three.

That's amazing. But could you go back to London and tell everyone it's seven? Yeah. I just want to build the legend. Yeah. And they're just full of bouncy balls. Well, does the attic count as a floor? I suppose my attic's a floor.

If it's got a staircase to it, then yes. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't say Anne Frank was on the roof. She wasn't. Did have found them much easier. Terrible hiding spot.

Dressed up as a chimney lad. I'm to smoke. I'm gonna be fired. Show you that was a pull-down ladder in air loft. Huh? Surely that was like a pull-down ladder. Doesn't class as a floor

if it's got a pull-down ladder. You guys can cover it all. You know that? It's amazing. It's nice to have Am Frank brought up by someone else. That's a nice show. Oh, really? Yeah.

She writes in quite a lot, actually. There's no way they had a fixed staircase. No, no, they didn't, because they were hiding up there, weren't they? Yeah. Yeah. I think it might have been a hidden, like, way to get up to the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been in, it's massive.

It's always that before. Have you been to her house? Not yet, no, not but the invite. It is ginormous. Really? The loft is ginormous. Like, you can play badminton in it. Yeah, because I think what Carl's getting out there is when you think of I'm Frank,

when you picture it, you sort of think, oh, she's just in this tiny little space writing her book. but she she probably had more space up there than you have in the apartment you live in London like she once again wasn't up there on her own though was she wasn't about like three families

up there with her oh I thought it was just here playing badminton I said she got caught that was a couple of families oh I didn't know that I thought it was here eight people

eight people right from two families four games of doubles there or two games of doubles three four of Simon on. But you know, when I went to, I went to Auschwitz and it was kind of like your house because there was a room just full of shoes. Is Auschwitz a house? Huh? Do you say her house? No. Oh. I didn't say that. You didn't say Hauschwitz either. I've got no headphones.

Take them off. You can take him off. No, it feels weird. They look like you. You should take them off. Yeah, I want to. Did you say her house? Well, you, you've said you've been to an house and you said it's ginormous. It's just a, it's a big old. Is it big enough for a people? Yeah. Is it as big as this room? Yes. It's the size. It's probably the size of the lobby. Oh, that's a sound. In fact, it might be bigger.

Oh, I don't feel sorry for it anymore. We have more people for the Super Bowl out there. Unfortunately, Super Bowl wasn't a thing back then. Was it not? Was there no Super Bowl in 1940? Check the diary. They didn't have Sky. And you'd have to have it muted as well.

What? They'd have to have muted it. It wouldn't have been as fun. Wouldn't have been as... What depends if there was anyone downstairs? I don't think they was like like the search wasn't constant was it I imagine they waited until they went off and they were like

I thought we got off track a little bit so how many trainers do you own now I've probably got like 10 or 15 pairs of trainers now I've got four pairs of knee-eye cowboy boots not a cowboy I've got two so where do you I'm trying to imagine where you'd wear those

in the bedroom I guess for me they'd be tie-high. It curates cowboy events when he can wear fancy dress. That's awesome. I do. I do run Liverpool's only official country music super parties.

There's not more? Yeah, no. But I do, I'll also, like in the wintertime when it's not as warm, I'll wear me cowboy boots just to go and get a pint of milk, mom. I would love to say. Like you're milk in the cow yourself.

Life is a girlfriend. That's really smart. I've worn cowboy boots to the Tesco. I do hope you haven't. Why? Why? Because they're just me shoes. They're like crocodile-looking ones.

I don't think I've worn them there. I don't think so. I'll have worn me a black cherry lizard skin to the Tesco. But your horses are Land Rover. What? But your horses are Land Rover. But they're just boots, aren't they? They're just boots.

It's not like I've got like them and my undies on like my jeans are covering them. So the untrained eye they just like shiny shoes. Do you feel like you're connecting to like an older time? I just like the boots mom.

Yeah. Do you not like the social construct of the way relationships work and stuff like that? Like I'm the man. I'll go out and get the milk. No.

Yeah, because remember the whole shoe thing came out of you having a breakup. There's something with, I think some serial killers it starts to see. Wasn't it. You putting me, cowboy boots on to go to the shop. Which of the seal?

What killer's? Can you Google that, fellas? It started with shoes. It often starts with a feet when they're babies and there's some sort of trauma and they're at feet level. Is that true? That is true. Jerry Brudos,

the shoe fetish slayer. Is this the guy you're talking about? Must be. I'd be amazed if it wasn't. No, the extent to which I think about it is just do I like how these look with these jeans? Yeah. I've got a black pear, a black cherry pair, a brown pear, and an emerald green pair. Like Barbie?

Yeah. And it just depends on the vibe, man. You know what I mean? And I've got loads, I've got a couple of pairs of paddibut shoes. I've got some oxblood loafers, some brown loafers, you know? Dan, you're not really saying much. I know. It's always good to get the full list of Adam's boots and shoes.

Yeah. But sometimes you've just got to let that sit, really. Yeah. What can I add? Yeah. That's true. Let's just hope he doesn't fucking murder us. You're not like, yeah, but it's not like a sexual thing.

You don't have like athletes' cock or anything. That's a callback, in it? Athletes dick. Do you remember that from early have a word? Oh my God. I didn't even exist. Oh, is it? Episode like two or three.

Oh, I, that was a coincidence. That's parallel thinking on my part, that is. You fit in? Yeah. I'm not a serial killer. I, no, it's not a sexual thing for me. I do like it when my misses keeps boots on. Right.

And then I, you know, we'll fuck well. she's got them on. And if she, you know, if she ever said to me, keep your cowboy boots on and just zip your jeans down, I'd be like, sound. But do the boots on the bed? Are these, are these like inside boots like ugs? No, no, no, no, she, like, like, big old fucking, we've been, like, you know, we could have been anywhere then, we've been in the field or we've been, you know, what? Are they like, walking the dog? We could have been in the field or the club or whatever. And they'll stay on and go on the bed. Yeah. And then we'll just, we'll change the bed and afterwards anyway. We'll have to anyway. You know, we'll have to anyway.

know there'll be a fucking mess. My wife likes me to leave my hugs on in the bedroom. It's a weird little thing. Yeah, and your coat and your trousers is waiting the next room. Could you just fuck off? It's pretty sexy though. It's quite unsexy taking them off as well, I imagine.

What you mean? Like, it's not easy to get cowboy boots off. I've got like a thing that does for you, like a little, uh, I don't even know that. Like a reverse. Um, yeah, like I'm reverse shoe on. Can you, like, you just, you, you, it's specifically for cowboy boots as well.

You know, I used to were, I went to Hindley Prison once. Huh? I went to Hinley Prison. Yeah. I thought you said Hindi Prison. And I was like, that is the biggest screech in the history of this podcast. What's Hindi Prison? I was going to ask you.

Hinley's near, relatively close to here, isn't it? And I went in there and all the prisoners had like impeccable trainers. Because I think you get them from a catalogue. I think it's the same owner as Sports Direct or JD Sports, but it's twice as much. So they all had really perfect trainers. and I had one, my trainers had a hole in them and one of them went here, lad, your shoes are talking. That was not bad.

And I think they didn't respect me because I was from the outside and I had access to more trainers than them. Were you going to do comedy? What were you doing? We were bringing theatre to them, which they loved. What kind of theatre? It's called like restorative justice. You're laughing down.

Isn't restorative justice? Amazing gig to accept. I thought, oh, was that the name of the theatre? Now that's the name of a, the company's called Odd Arts. Shout out Odd Arts. I thought restorative justice. Sorry? I thought restorative justice is where instead of saving like either the full or any prison sentence, the criminal has to face the family and sort of a tone via.

So like, let's say I killed your mum, right? Dead. Bang, bang, bang, bang. He steals the boots. He goes home. Yeah. and then like we like we go to court but you come in and go I don't want him to go to prison I want him to talk to me like whatever I just want him to tell me why he's killed my mum

how he was feeling how we can stop someone else killing me mum in the future so like I have to atone for my crime to the people I've hurt that's restorative justice isn't it? Yeah there is still prison time after that though isn't necessarily it isn't up to the person

whose mum got murdered to decide on the sentence of a murderer though No, but they can appeal for... I think it's... Yeah, it can be part of it. Yeah, they will lower your sentence if you do all the things.

They can make it... It depends on the judge, so obviously people have a right to be heard, don't they? If they're like, the family of the victim. They can speak at the court and go, A, I don't want him to go to death row. I don't want them to go to this.

I don't want what this to happen. I want him to do restorative justice. And if the judge goes, do you know what? He looks like he's got to the illness. Then sometimes they'll let you just have a shelf. I want him to go to jail. but I wanted to enjoy some professional theatre. Send me out.

Get Paddy Young. Get hard art. Do you know who the Tiger King is, Paddy? Sorry? You know who the Tiger King is? The Tiger King? Yeah. Yeah.

He wants asked me to send them some shoes to prison and Harry. Really? Yeah. He asked us for shoes and we were going to send them max 95s, but he said, no, it's got to be from a specific catalogue. Right. So this is during COVID?

You're watching the show. Two years ago. How did you guys get in touch? We interviewed them and he went, I need some new shoes. And we went, oh, that, okay, we'll send them some new shoes. They'll send you these. You went, no, they need to be special ones. And then we said, no.

I imagine you and the Tiger King would have a, the Venn diagram of shoes might be quite similar. Certainly from, certainly from previous areas in my life, yeah. Was this a prison tour? Or is this just one gig in a prison? Yeah, it was a nationwide tour. Off the curb produced it. No, it was, yeah, we did a few. Like so some of them we did about, some of them we do to like men who've perpetrated domestic violence and they'd watch it.

And then they could step in as one of the actors and then they could like take over the scene and like work through stuff. That's so cool. It was, it was fun. And I remember when they did our class at Indy, they called it Skinny Hinley because they don't get fed very much. Is that? Could be like a diet. Yeah, I don't think it was their choice. Right.

About your anti-giene. She lost four stone on the Skinny Inley diet, hasn't she? They got toasts. They got toast. in the workshop and then you know they remember at school when they come in the little plastic bags at half plastic half paper and you can see through them yeah and when they got their toast they ran to the window and they put their hands out the window and they said we've got toast we've got toast and the rest of the prison was like happy for them fuck that's bleak in it no it was lovely

did it ever kick off not while i was in there they behave himself yeah yeah yeah mad so they've all got amazing trainers but they're celebrating toast doesn't that take you so much about society, Dan. Thanks for raising awareness, Paddy. Harry was telling us before about one of your other jobs, and he just told us what it was. Who told this? Harry.

So Harry does the research on the guests. Oh, no. And he said you had a job as a body for doctors. I was a body for doctors, yeah. Wow, well done, Harry. How does that? What's that? He's good at his job. You know, you know, the ultrasound

Yeah. They, for a while, doctors practice on dummies, but then after a while, you have to use a real body. And so, yeah, you have to lay there, lay down with your tummy out. And I was like, fellas, I'm doing that anyway. Do you get paid? God, yeah. 80 pounds a day.

Wow. Not to be sniffed at. Yeah, you just lay there. I could put, I could put headphones in and they look at your guts all day. Can you get any more for them to like have a little? Oh, that would have been good. Should be the next level? Oh, that would have been really, or to hide some stuff in there.

Yeah. Yeah. Like when you throw a brick in the pool, you tell someone's a go and get it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The doctor's got to put some goggles on. Like I put like a he-man up your ass and be like, right, we're going to practice for someone coming into any way of a he-man after that.

I had to stop them because I, I should say, I'm like terrified of needles, truly, truly terrified. And since I've had this done, I keep having to be in rooms and needles and I keep fainting. What are you scared of? I don't know. I think my pop psychology theory is just like, just like, like you and seen a cowboy when you were young and then it did something to you sexually. For me, I think I went the bed when I was at primary school and I got like a, I wait it so much that I got a nurse who told me, sorry? Is that a wet nurse? I'm not sure that's a wetness.

I'm not sure that's a wetness, but yeah, you have to document like when you're going to have a wee in the day, when you have, how much water are you going to have to drink. And then by the time I got to secondary school, I'd stop wetting the bed, not to brag. And then we had to go TB jobs in groups of three. And when we went in, one of the nurses was the wet-the-bed nurse. And she didn't say anything, but I was so scared she was going to, that I sort of panicked. And then she injected me and it hurt. Yeah, the TB.

And then ever since then, I've always fainted. But I fainted at like, you ever see Patrick Melrose? It's like Benedict Cumberbatch's pain like a heroin addict. Like, I passed out and wet the bed. By the way, the needles thing does make sense. When people are like, what are you scared of? It hurts. Yeah, I'm scared of pain.

That is a, when kids get injected, that is a... Totally. Like, I did not like needles at all. The BCG, the TV. What in you got better, right? Heroin. Really, like, softened it up. Because you're like, yeah, heroin's so good, you just get over it.

Yeah, no pain, no game. Yeah. You know, flu camp? Huh? Flu camp. I signed up to Flu Camp when I was... Do you want to explain what that is, Carl? Isn't that way you all...

Is it making the real? So, should I not be speaking to car? It's weird because you've got two really friendly guys looking at me and smiling. Then when I talk to him, you're going, Oh, ha. Just like you've got all these dogs in the office that I'm not meant to pet. Are we the friendly ones?

Huh? Are we the friends? Fellas, you're all being really friendly and nice. And Adam, he called me a short king and he opened my sparkling water from him because he knows I'm a little TV princess. He knows I'm not one of you naughty podcast boys. You open my sparkling water.

He said, right, what's this about? Anne Frank then. You brought Anne Frank up? I've never bring you up. And the gays, mate. No, I didn't. Wrong. To my handlers at Sky.

Wrong. Wrong. What were you talking about flu camp? Yeah. Do you know all that is? Nope. You basically get paid a few grand and they give you flu. Or they don't give you flu and then they test out medication on you.

But the thing that's awesome when you're a student is they put you up. My student accommodation, we were getting kicked out for summer, but that would be, I was going to be put up. And then they give you like a TV in a, do you know the DVD sleeves with like, there was like 300 DVDs in there? This was like, I guess, before Netflix. And I thought, what's that, again, just like the ultrasound and the, the tummy, I thought I was going to be watching. Yeah, I had a mate who did who was, went to a private

hospital for like two and a half, three weeks and got like three and a half grand or something. Yeah. And, and you were having like medicine given to you and they were just going to see what was going to go on. But some of them got placebo. Yeah. So you got three and a grand to just hang out at a really nice cafe. Exactly. That's it. Loads of DVDs. There was a PlayStation. And you might be getting a fucking sugar pill. So I passed out in the waiting room because I was a really nice cafe. So I passed out in the waiting room because there was a cartoon needle. It was like clippy. It was like clippy with an erection, I guess.

There was a cartoon needle. Do you mean like someone in a cartoon needle suit? Like, no, we were in the waiting room and there was a, and it just said, you know, you're going to have a blood test and then there was a cartoon needle that was like, that told, it was like speaking. It was like speaking. It was like a speech bubble. And I just thought about the needle and I passed out. And then they said you can't do flu cam because we inject.

The whole money is that we inject you every day. And that's all the money's for. They're not paying you to watch DVDs. It's much more than getting injected. One of my girlfriend's best mates is terrified of, you know, people in the big suits, like Mickey Mouse at Disneyland and occasionally it'll be like Batman in Times Square or whatever. Yeah.

She has a panic attack and screams when she sees them. Like she can't even be on the other side of the roads. That was me when I was a kid, I said. I don't know who's in it. And I don't want this big fucking seven-foot Mickey Mouse saying hello where his smile doesn't change. Like his expression does never change us. and there's a man inside them.

And I was like, yeah, go and get a picture with him. I was like, no. And then imagine that. And then every time you had a medical emergency, you had to meet Mickey Mouse. I used to find it at the dentist,

similar to that. Did you? Yeah, because I had a really bad experience at the dentist. And then I just, I had to... You got shot? I got shot at the dentist. Was it needle or gas that you were freaked out by?

No, the dentist. I had to have the gas to be able to go there. And then I actually just emerging therapy myself by going on my own for like two years. a couple years ago

and literally just got over it with immersion therapy and immersion therapy is when you just go so you just go into dentist a lot I went to a new dentist

that he booked me in so what he did was I got home from Japan and I went to he'd just been the dentist and I was like I need to go but I'm terrified

and he went okay there and then rang the dentist in the car booked me in pay for the consultation and went

you're going on Thursday so I was like oh fuck see terrified went hated yeah I was like

the only way get over this is keep going so i'd get in the car to go back and i would be i'd like be like me arms would be weak i was like fucking m&m and i'd get there and i'm like i don't want to be here i'd hate it and then five six times later i'd like okay this is okay wow i'm fine but i was so i'd faint in a dentist regularly i had to sell 45 pairs of shoes for that for that appointment wow because terry cruz said if you want to go to the gym more you should start going and just bring a magazine. Don't even, like, for the first month,

don't even work out. Just get used to being there all the time. I can do that. Huh? I can do that. Yeah, that's the easy bit, yeah. Yeah. You're going to get kicked out?

Huh? If you just keep going to the gym and not working out and read the magazine is. Yeah, if you sit on one of the machines reading a magazine, I think people will get a little bit annoyed. Yeah. But there's a nice receptionary in most of them. But a magazine does have some weight to it. If you're sat on the machine, you go, I'm doing bice up kills.

Just take your hands. heavier magazine. Just build up to like the Argos catalogue. Yeah. You got to start somewhere. Progressive games. Did you used to use the Argos catalog of Christmas? Did you make the Christmas list when you were again?

And the index catalogue, yeah. And little ones. Index was like the 1B. It was sort of as good, but Argos was the boy. Did you cycle stuff? And Grattons, if you were being a real dirty boy, because there was a lingerie section that was quite fun. That was my first pawn there.

The bras in the, in them. That was the first one. That's my first porn. Because I was, I didn't have phones. I think we had the internet. I'd use the bras in the, like the index catalog. That's my first point. You get old lefty out.

Yeah. That's probably a writing then, weirdly. I just remember something that I'm pretty sure is, hmm. Go on. Someone when I was a kid, an adult. Oh, God. I was used to this computer.

And he put a gang man on. And then, went and told me, my mum, hey, your Adam's watching gangbangs in there as a prank. Wow.

Do you remember what this fellow was wearing, like, on his feet? It's John Wayne. Gacy. John Wayne Gacy, yeah. Wow. That's bang out of order,

isn't it? That's definitely illegal, yeah. Showing a child gangbangs. Because you saw a gang bang. Because you saw a gang bang, bang you like eight, didn't you?

Did I? Did you? That's why his hair fell out. Yeah, but that's... You did. You said you and your friend. But then I left it on for Adam.

I didn't watch all of it. You said you were exposed. Yeah, me and Jonathan Wilson watched one of his stepdads. Yeah. Sam Mataface was there. John Motson. I, yeah, was around at my mate

Jonathan Wilson's house and he was like, my stepdad's got some videos. And, yeah, we watched a pretty... He's the other that stepped up. Oh, it wasn't live. No, we didn't have a live stream to a Brazilian gangbang. So you watched it with your friend?

Yeah, yeah. And you were eight? Yeah, maybe nine. That's a couple of years too short, I think. Yeah. I think four or five. Yeah, yeah. If there's more people in the video,

if there's more people in the video than you have candles on your cake. I think that rule works. Forever. You're 13 now. Let's get Baker's dozen on. This is a mucky one. Well, luckily, Paddy, it's done me no harm at all.

No, I can tell you. But I fucking love gangbang porn. But it's healthy. Healthy stuff. I think we should have a break. Yeah. Yeah, let's have a little break. Paddy's on tour.

Go and see this very funny man on tour. We've got some dates. There is so many dates. You're going everywhere and we were talking in the break. You said most of it's been upgraded, which is class. That's class. When are you in Liverpool, crucially? He is in Liverpool.

on the 6th of December at Hot Water. Nice. Is that a good day here? The 6th of December? It's a big one, big one in Liverpool. It's only beaten by the 5th and 7th of December. Oh, no. But it's going to be...

But it's one of the big three, man. It's going to be the new Paddy's Day. That's how big it's going to be. She had a name for it. There is dates all over the gaffe. God, yeah. Yeah. And you've had to reschedule cause of S&L.

Yeah, we found out, I think maybe just before we did the last episode of season one, that there was going to be more. And it's, yeah, I think I'd put out the tour a week before. That's really annoying, isn't it? It's kind of not, it's kind of like a brand new feeling. Every annoying feeling I've ever had to do with my career until then is it like, oh, I guess nothing's happened.

Oh, I thought maybe I might do two things. Oh, no, of course I'm doing absolutely nothing. Yeah, yeah. So it is weird to be like, wow, I could have done two things. one of the things that's going to change season two. So you are SNL's Andy Burnham. Yeah. And that was, I'm guessing, was going to be like a, not a one-off,

but weren't expecting to become the lead political guy. I've not had a hand in any of the things that happened. That I mean on the show. Have you been working on your voice? I need to be. Because I got Andy Burnham. They decided to put him in a sketch on the Friday night. So I rehearsed for like an hour.

and then, but we still had weekend update to write because we did the bulk of our writing for update at the end of the week to make it as topical as possible. So I did an hour of rehearsal, I think, about 9 or 10 o'clock in the evening. And then we did it the next day. And I just had a tiny part in that sketch and then the season ended.

And then now it seems that he's, I'm like very much. Is that going to be a lot to do the weekend update, which I, we were talking about this. Obviously, we're knowing you were coming in this week. Yeah. We were talking about this. And I said,

I think a lot of people, if you ask them, you can have any job on SNL. I think people would love that weekend update job. I think you've got... Certainly comedians, for sure. Yeah, you've got the absolute sort of the A-tier job. And now you've got to be... Because inherently, because of the type of show it is,

there's going to be a lot of political stuff, in it? And if you're the guy who does the prime minister for the show, that's also going to be a heavy party, which is another 80-year job. within the show, which is already a dream for anyone to get on it at all. Yeah. You've got two of the top things, and that's going to take a lot of prep. I'm just hoping he does Movember.

I don't know enough about anything. That's the, is people assume when you wear a suit and say things, they think maybe you must know something, but I don't know anything. So I'm going to start, do you know anything? I think maybe because he's the first, is he going to be the first prime minister for the north? Maybe. He's going to have a haircourses in the... He's going to like re-nationalise gravy and...

Hopefully. Yeah. Can you do as how good your voice? There's no way I'll be doing it here. You couldn't even just try now just one little tiny bit? I'm not doing me burning for free. Too right, you get it. I couldn't.

Where are you from originally? From Scarborough. All right, you are. You've got the north thing. But I'm sort of like a fake northern. Are you all genuine and 100% northerners? Yeah. I was born in the south to southern parents.

and then I moved north when I was about six or seven and then move back down again when I was like, yeah, 20. So I kind of feel like I was Louis Thruh up there. I was just like listening to you lot and going, really, really. And then when I go south with my London friends, I'm like Billy Elliot. I'm telling my, I ate cold and poo for breakfast. And they believe it. What the fuck made your parents leave London to go to Scarborough?

My dad used to be a farm manager We grew up on a farm in Norfolk And then a farm somewhere else And then yeah There was a farm in the north Did they have a shotgun? He did have a shotgun What did he use it for?

We've just been having This isn't out of absolutely nowhere We're a bit obsessed with guns and shotguns And farmers in the first half of the show Well, you're cowboys Yes, we are You're obsessed with shotguns, how come? I just...

Stan wants a gun I like a gun We've discussed that You fellas have got too much money I disagree. I want a gun room. I want a 5% raise. Do you want the cabinet that switches when you press a button?

Yeah, I do now. I do now. We were wondering, do farmers use that gun to deter human intruders, animal intruders, or to mercy kill the horses that break their legs?

Hmm. Like, what did he use a shotgun for? Did you ever see him use? Have you ever seen your dad euthanize an animal? I've seen my dad shoot, rabbits but that wasn't it was for a laugh yeah that wasn't with a shotgun that would be kind of crazy

yeah that was for a laugh I guess we didn't eat it what do you use a shotgun for is it to get rid of like the thing my dad always said is that it could it could shoot through a car and then kill someone classic farmer classic farmer that's what I remember from a very young age

like biggie huh like biggie yeah he said like biggie and then he said I wasn't there maybe that's why we've never caught who shot you know I know, notorious BAS. My dad is called Puff Daddy.

Was Wardle Poochie Faust. That's what they wanted to think. It was a Norfolk farmer. I think you're fine. I don't know as much about the Biggie Death. I know the Tupac one. Are you playing sounds on there? Have you been doing that the whole time?

Yeah. Fuck. There's a guy called Pucci. Why did he kill him? He was paid to by... Ah, it was... It was Dedy, one of. Paid for...

Wardle Fauss is Wardle? Google. Well, I think I'm like there. poochie Faust. He was on a, like a scooter. No, that's how he died. Sorry, he was on a scooter and someone killed him. Everyone who is involved is dead.

The mayor that is a dead. Orlando Wan, that's him who killed Tupac, is dead. And the guy who killed Biggie is dead. It's like final destination. Everybody is there. Was it right? Yeah. Bam.

That's why he moved to Scarborough. So then we had to move to Scarborough. Is that called Pucci? I can't say. He used to be on itchy and scratchy. I can tell you that much. Oh, we called. Be best friends.

Are you excited about, you've got, obviously, you're going to Edinburgh for a couple of weeks, and there's tours and then ESS, you're going into the second season. The first season, you must have gone into it going. First season, this is massive, but what the fuck am I getting involved in here? First season was truly terrifying.

Like, first of all, the audition process was so long. It was months and months long. We did loads of screen test, and they were really stressful. I thought I really fucked my screen test because you have to, I'm sure you've seen famous SNL auditions, people walk on and they do their issue in a very cold room.

And I walked in and there's a whole room full of producers. And then there's also, you've been watched by whoever's in America. Oh, really? So like Lawn's watching as well? I don't know. You never know. It's that Wizard of Oz. And I thought, I stood on my spot and I was so nervous.

I was waiting for someone to tell me to start. And I just stood there for ages in silence. And then the camera rose up, you know, and I went, I was trying to sort of sit on. and think about the funny characters I was going to do. And then after like 90 seconds, someone came out and they said, sorry, is this a bit? And they thought I was like doing like a crazy alternative, samurai sword kind of thing. So I really thought I'd fucked it because the energy was just,

the room was like in a bad way. Yeah, if you're in an audition for SNL and someone stops you and says, is this a bit? His 90 second silent start needs work. Yeah. What was worse is when I did do my stuff and I went, that one is a bit. So how does it work?

audition for weekend update or did they assemble the cast and then go you two are right for this? Both actually. So the tape I sent was all characters and then I did stand up at a live audition in a comedy club and then I did a screen test a bit of characters and then a bit of stand-upy stuff and then did screen test. Yeah. And I screen tested update with Anya. Right. Okay. We all did it in pair. We did two pairs. Yeah. And when me and Anya did it, we had a lot of fun. And we met before and we changed a couple of little things. Felt nice.

And I wore like a nice suit for it. Yeah. I really wanted the job. Where's the suit from? Huh? Where's the suit from? The suit is from, I believe, where every man in the southeast of England buys their suits, which is a shop called Percival.

I knew you were going to say Perci. I know. Yeah, I did as well. Isn't it just like, yeah. I've got the forest green linen summer suit. Really? I've got the summer yellow. Loafer's...

It's amazing the suit because you wear it once and it's sort of like paper mashet. Yeah. The buttons just fall off. It looks incredible on that photo. The photo looks incredible. You should maybe just buy the photo of the suit. No, I love Percival, actually. And if you've got more clothes, send them along.

But yeah, we were so scared when we had season one. Like, before we did that first episode. Because when you do stand-up, your energy can go somewhere. You know, you can... However you're feeling, you can use that. Yeah. Behind the desk, you are just, it's very focused, and you're just looking down the barrel of the lens.

And I did feel truly, truly bananas that. We had a really good, because you do a dress beforehand, in front of an audience, it's about two hours long. Then we cut about half an hour worth of stuff, the weaker stuff, change a few things, maybe there's a couple of legal things, maybe there's a couple of taste things, whatever. And then we have about in an hour or so to have dinner, and then we do it in front of another audience.

And the dress of the first episode went really well. So afterwards I felt so relaxed. because I just thought, God, it's in the bag. It went so well, it's only going to be better. And logically, I just thought, this is going to, this is going to be great for the first time. And then as we counted down to the show, I was truly like, I was just like fixated on the fire exit sign.

And I thought, it wouldn't be illegal. Do you know that feeling? To leave. To leave, to go and do something else. Become a cowboy like you, Adam. I thought I could just go and just... I think it would do your stand-up career, like, harm initially, but also I think you'd...

Really? There would be a notoriety to it. You were the guy who, how long you've been in stand-up about... Yeah, like, coming up to 10 years. So it was like 10 years in the game. One of the biggest opportunities you can possibly get as an up-and-coming comic in the UK. It goes live and then we just see you run through the shot,

hear a fire exit bang open. Everyone have to deal with that. And then the story becomes, yeah, you hear about Paddy Young, he just escaped into the London night. That's really nice. How much of a final say do you get on what you say? Well, we're very lucky, and you and I, because we, obviously, if you're a sketch performer,

you'll, you'll, everyone writes, there's 11 of us in the cast, but there's about 20 writers on top of that. And so, uh, once you're in a sketch, you know, it's kind of a sketch that you're in, but with update, it's pretty good, actually. I can pretty much, I can refuse any joke. Oh, sir. Yeah. But like, there's a, there's a team of us on update. There's probably about four or five writers, Anya and I write as well. There's stuff that, you know, we, for multiple reasons that we might do, not do, you know, but no one

ever tells me ever, you have to tell this joke. And that is pretty amazing. Have they told you, you can't tell a joke? Yeah, of course. Yeah. And it's always like a conversation, you know, and sometimes you charm them and say, and sometimes it'll be a case of like, okay, which of these two do you really want to say?

Yeah. There's a couple of series where of Prince Andrew ones, I remember, of going like, fucking hell, they're letting them say that fair play yeah uncle andy they didn't like yeah but we got away with that uncle andy yeah that felt cathartic how has any of the guests kind of who was the one where you were like fucking out i'm working with i don't know Tina fey or yeah that was kind of crazy i actually felt them in some ways i'm going to say his name wrong now would you say peter sarah renner renovovivir sara finowitz that was amazing he's sarah finowitz yeah i think that was the most sort of awestruck i was

He said that. I was like, he does not look like the kind of man that can say a word with that many syllables, isn't it? Well, he's a scouser, isn't he? He is a scouser, yeah. That was amazing. Yeah. When he was Farage, that was really, really crazy. Yeah, he's really fucking good.

He's also, we've spoken about this before. He is responsible for my favourite moment in UK TV comedy history. Oh, what's that? When he's on 8 out of 10 cats does countdown. Yeah. And Jimmy Carr asks him if he's a fan of word games and he says, I don't think that's any of your business. That's genius.

Timing on it is amazing. Yeah. He's also Darth Mall, isn't he? Yeah. Sorry. He's the voice of Darth Mall as well. From Star Wars. He's Darth Mall.

No, he's not. Yeah. In all of them? Well, he's only in, spoilers, he's only in one of them. I was about to catch up on that. Darth Mall.

Can I ask, the guy would have read that all of dots. Oh, I thought you meant Darth Vader. Oh, there you go. That would be mental. He'd have been about eight. Yeah, yeah.

He was a really precocious, child. Can I ask, with the final sketch of episode one? The final sketch. What, the final bit? What kind of Irish is your granddad? What type, yeah, what kind of Irish is your granddad? I'm trying to remember which one, what happened in that one. It felt like such a mad way to end the first. Oh, the first, the first, oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. Did it, was everyone like, we're just for, it felt like just to entertain yourselves, you were like, we're going to do this really mental thing right at the end. That isn't, that isn't derivative of anything I've ever seen and then just like drop the mic and that's the end of episode one.

Or was there no discussion, was it like a, the sketch was like, this is funny, we're just going to stick it in at the end? Or was there a conversation of like, we're going to do something weird to leave them on that note? I don't know. I don't, like, if there was, I wasn't part of the conversation. I guess the thing to say about it is you might think that we're all there thinking, I really hope this episode is great, but that isn't what any of us are thinking. We're all thinking, am I going to get something on? Am I going to get something on? Am I. going to be shit, am I going to get fired? Like, because there's so much talent there.

Everyone's writing sketches. You know, if there's, in an episode, how many sketches would be on TV, do you reckon? You'd probably know, six, seven, I don't know. There's probably, sorry, I'm not doing this on purpose. But you play it to Finn who really enjoys it. It's because I'm talking, and then I can see this. Out of the corner of my eye, see this. Just disdain.

Yeah. Yeah, so there's so many sketches written every week, and only a few get on. So I think you're always just thinking, like, is my thing going to get on? And if your thing gets chosen... You're trying to hold your own. You're trying to hold your own. So... But is the atmosphere between you guys, the writers, the other...

Is it supportive? It's everyone's sort of pulling together while trying to make sure they're... You're getting the sort of... You'll get the result personally. It's supportive, but it is competitive. Right, okay. And it's very nature. Right.

And I think that's why the American one has lasted so long because everyone is constantly fighting for their stuff to get on. And I do think that is why some things aren't as good. It's because it's just like, you know... Complacency creeps. Yeah, if half an hour's stuff has written

and the show's half an hour long, then it's like, oh well... Yeah. But to do a version of it where it's like a quarter longer, each, you know, an owl before and then get rid of drop that out, is pretty good.

As there being any one standout sketch that you've written first series one that didn't make it on where you're like, that really should have fucking made it that one? Well, you know, I only really wrote sketches in the, like, beforehand. So me and Al Roberts wrote a sketch about Jules Holland, but I didn't write a lot of sketches once we were away

because we were so busy on update. Yeah. It was, it's, yeah, we were so fixated on getting that right. Maybe next season I'll have more time for it, but it's hard to say. Yeah. And then we get to add little sketchy things into it, but you kind of want to play with the form a little bit and, you know. Yeah.

Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I appreciate your answering all those. questions. We usually just do prep in this last section of the pod. So I've got some pretty important questions myself. Matthew Wilkinson says, quick question for the lads to ponder. Who are the worst band to see live if their name is literally what they do? Example. The Arctic monkeys would be literally Arctic monkeys. The killers would be a bunch of murderers, et cetera. Foo fighters? who would

what's a foe? I don't know what is foo what's a foo fighters I'm not funny to me though I think of the Beatles you boys are not fan of the police the Beatles they're too small

yeah see them but then with the spelling that might be a cool beetle yeah I'd actually quite like to see that a lead Zeppelin that would be

dangerous wouldn't it yeah the rolling stones that'd kill people yeah Black Sabbath, that would be cool. Just a Saturday off, chilling with your black friends. That would be great.

I wouldn't mind meeting thin Lizzie. Oh, nice. Bread. Just bread. Is there a band called bread? Yeah. Vampire weekend. Madness, there's gone out.

They're on shit at everyone. Keep them coming. Tame Impala. We've seen loads of them. You've seen wild ones, maybe. Yeah, we did see wild ones. Banana Ram, what do you reckon that would be like? That'd be fun.

That sounds fun. I'd really like to meet Bonanarama. Wet leg. Spandau Ballet. I knew someone was going to say Spandau Ballet. And we move on. Was that a child that messaged in? Yes, it was.

It was Matthew Wilkinson. Age seven. Actually, he mentioned Spandau Ballet at the end, but that's seven-year-olds for you. They love the Holocaust. If you don't, you might do time. What? Spandau Ballet.

Wait, did you say Spandall Ballet for no reason? Yeah, what's Spandau Ballet? What's Spandau Ballet going to do with the Holocaust? Oh. Huh? I don't know that. Do you know what a Spandau Ballet is? No, genuinely know.

It's going to be a really bad Google for you after the episode. I genuinely didn't know her. What is a Spandau Ballet? It's the dance people... This is grim. It's the dance that people did at the end of the noose. When they were hung. Why did they make a spandah out of that?

That's pretty brilliant. I guess like Joy Division as well, right? Joy Division's pretty gruesome. Do you don't know that either? How much stupid? I don't even know if I believe him. Do you mean like when someone's being hung and at the end they go like that? That's a spandau ballet.

I suppose there's a ballet. It's a dance, isn't it? It's a movement. That's bleak, isn't it? Why is Martin Kemp doing that? Isn't Martin Kemp? Yeah. It's not the vibe the band gives, is it?

No. If it was that the film. It's not the Holocaust. The band's name was inspired by bleak World War I slang. It refers to the agonizing twitching movements of soldiers shot by Spandau machine guns or the death throes of prisoners hanged at Berlin's Spandau Prison. Wow, they need to get a new name.

I want to know. That would be a bleak one. If you didn't know the meaning of Spandau Ballet, what did you mean when you said Spandau Ballet? Oh, no, I was doing like the irreverent silly answer that had no real answer. Just to end the same. You'd be like Paul Merton. Yeah.

But I was actually really good back since. They'd be great live, wouldn't they? Look at them twitching. I didn't. I didn't know that was a thing, genuinely. Sorry, I didn't know what fucking... I think pussy cat dolls would be exciting, but in a different way.

Thank you, Paddy. Thanks so much. We really needed that. Let's do some other words. Oh, my God. I know the air. Aircon's on, but I feel like the heat is getting to me today. I know what you mean.

If you had a knife, you could cut the tension. But that's sexual. There's a jingle on them, by the way. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, I'm out of this. Lewis says, have a goddamn word with my auntie,

who sees no problem with spitting out her steak into a napkin at the Hawksmoor because they slightly underdone it when she'd asked for medium. When the server came over to ask if everything was okay, she opened up the napkin and showed the server the steak, she'd spat out and said it wasn't cut properly, then demanded it be taken off the bill,

instead of simply sending it back to be cooked a little more, or considering the bill would have come to well over 120 quid for the two of us, simply asking for a new steak, completely embarrassed and she looked like a goddamn five-year-old. Second worst I've seen since Dan tried that steak bake, and that's from Lewis. He just heard the word God damn, by the way. God damn.

I don't think there's anything wrong with spitting food that you find disgusting into an Ackon. So you're a bottom and a spitter. But not showing her to staff. No, yeah, but like why is she showing them that bit and not just the rest of the steak that's still learning going, it's not cooked properly? And in a steak restaurant, the reason I always, so if I'm at home and I cook a steak, I cook it medium rare, I always order steak medium in steak restaurants. and if you're fussy like me, and like this woman is,

you should always go half a cooking up with your order because chefs in proper steak restaurants will always air on the side of it being undercooked because then they can cook that steak more and they don't waste a full one. Whereas if you order it medium rare and it comes medium, then that one has to go in the bin because they can't cook it less.

Just easier to get mac and cheese in it. Would you ever spit and show, Paddy? That is in a restaurant. You don't. depends what kind of, like, what kind of ketchup do you have your steak with? Ideally, artisanal. Yeah. Really, you like the stuff that's made there?

Yeah. I like handmade. Baddies. Yeah. My dad can make it if he wants as well as long as it's handmade. I just like knowing that someone's squeezed tomatoes that day. Yeah. Don't spit and show.

Never spit and show. That's not for me, but I'll go, look at that. I had that. I mean, you don't even complain. I mean, you do. You complained to us. Depends. It depends. It depends.

It depends. And you were absolutely poor with the margarita. And we didn't complain. We just moved on. Because there's some places where the, one, the staff were quite young. And I wasn't,

I don't know. It just, it wasn't worth my effort to make their day a little bit more difficult. I was like, I'll just pull up with her. There's some places where I wouldn't put up with it.

I always complain too late. I'll go, hey, fellas, look at my poo. Does that look underdunty? Look at the chewing that. Yeah, I think there's certain situations where I won't complain. And I also, I sort of hate that that's the case. And I do try and sort of correct myself with it because it's like,

if I'm paying for food, like that pizza you got yesterday, it was like, what, 15 quid? Yeah. Like, it should have been a lot better than that. Yeah, it was sure. However, we're on, we're in a tourist trap beachfront thing in Blackpool. With really, really, really young staff. The staff had braces.

Yeah, totally. But there's a way to be really nice to hear. and still say this isn't okay, you know. You don't have to be a dick to them. You can just go, excuse me, I'm not being funny, but this pizza's really not. I mean, look at it, it's awful, isn't it? And anyone in the right mind

and go, yeah, it looks pretty bleak that. I wouldn't have complained in there either. What was wrong with it? It was really on the court. It was anemic. Really? It was like dead dog. And I was like, I'll just put up with it.

It's fine. I'll eat it and not complain. But I've had spent, if I was in a really nice pizza place. But this is in Blackpool. Yeah. Yeah. They've been through enough.

They have been for. They're still going through it, by the Lord. If I was in a pizza place where they special... I'd go, sorry, that isn't for me, but it wasn't. Also, you broke my reel, which I told you yesterday. You never order steak in a non-steak restaurant and you never order pizza in a non-petre restaurant. Similar to my room.

I never order pizza in an opticians. And it's always gone really well for me. Always works. Smart. I can't do any more podcasting. Patty, you've been fucking brilliant. Thank you so much for having me, guys. This has been really nice.

And good luck with the second season. of SNL, I think it's going to be class. And I love how people were desperate for it to not work and then had to just fucking chew on it because it was great. 2012 Olympics? That's what, yeah. Similar? Very similar.

Well, thanks so much for having me, guys. It's been really nice. Thanks for coming in, brother. I appreciate you. I'm on tour too. I'm on tour. Come and see me on tour. Go on see Dan on, Dan night and get on friends. Finn's probably doing something as well. Film club tickets. Where's it to get them, Finn? The links in the description. It's

This Thursday, the last one for a few months. So if you want to come and watch us. 10 pound, you get a secret of film that we picked. It's always great. And at the end, we do a podcast. And all the money goes back into local cinema. So it's all good. And cheers for all the messages and stuff about the cover of hole again.

That's in the description as well. Nice one. Paddy, class. Thank you. Thanks, fellas. Bye, Felicia.