Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #394 with Jacob Hawley - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: August 15, 2026

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Why is shirtlifter? Only a hundred, homophobic slay. Do you know what I mean? Because like women wear shirts as well. Welcome everyone to this episode of the Hoverwood podcast. Great question, Adam. Do you know what I mean?

Because that was, that's an OG. I don't think I've ever heard that. No, neither have I. You know, not heard about John. He's a bit of a shirtlifter, apparently. It's so vintage. It's so not in the lexicon of homophobia anymore. I don't think it's offensive.

Right. Yeah, because I swear I've never heard that. Have you heard blouse sniffer? Nope. That's the old lesbian. You could make them up. Adam. I believed it then as well.

Have you heard about Marjorie? Absolutely blouse sniffer. I think I... Were women not allowed to wear a shirt back in the day? Is that what it is? No, there's the rules. Buttons were only invented in 1962. I mean, that's basically what Carl thinks.

Women were allowed to... I think it's when Blair won the election in 1970. It was 97. Dianna died and they were like, I'm getting a job. Being a princess doesn't look good. No. When were women allowed to wear trousers?

Because even in my school, they weren't really allowed to wear trousers? In my house, never. I think in some schools they're still not, aren't they? Isn't that a bit of kickoff in the summer every year? Lads wear a skirt? Yeah. I think we spoke about that recently, actually, on an episode.

Yeah. Yeah, like, lads at a school were like, I'm not wearing pants. and they were like, well, you're not allowed to wear shorts, so they wore skaters and were like, define gender headmaster. There's definitely been a few of those sort of protests. It was like,

I'm going to pluck a name from history and hope I'm right. It was like Buda Sia wearing trousers. Who's what? Buda Coo is wearing nothing. Who's Buda Cia? Not a, did you want? You heard of, she had big guns.

Budica. I think Buda Cere is, if you study, is it classics? I think that sort of shows that you're in the now that you say. Like really good jokes. She was a... What's Buddhist here?

She was the pagan queen that sacked Lunditian turn of the millennia. It's just so many words that I just don't recognise here. She did it with a muff out as well, I think. Is she? That's what I got to. Is that little Lady Godiva?

I'm throwing all the names out of here. She was a blouse. I thought Lady Godiva was just an invention of Freddie Mercury. Oh, God. Well, she was real, wasn't she? I don't know. Round naked on a horse in Leicester or something. That's not Emily Pankeyes?

Lady Godiva. I have no idea, mate. I think Lady Godiva was a woman who's husband maybe cheated on her or something, and she was like, right, I'm going to get on a horse, get my Biff out and ride around the town and see who wants to go. She sounds class. Yeah, she's naked on a horse for, like, all these photos. Can we get a date on Lady Godiva? Um, they get bored in 90, no, 990. Right, so it's not a photo then, is it?

Well, there's, there's recreations. Is it a drawing, Harry? I mean, there's lots of girls with their bobs out on horses, to be fair. It's probably haberdashery if it's 990. They sewed everything. Would you let Laura go as here for Halloween? Yes. Get a Shetland pony and get your biff out.

Trick or fucking treat, lad. Woo! How close to the story am I? Is it near? What she used to write up? You're looking at pictures. That's not going to help with the story. I'm a visual learner.

Also known as God Gifu. Yeah. Well, she rode naked covered only by her long hair through the streets of Coventry. Coventry, Lester. Because her taxes were too high or something. I think we need some modern, like not homophobic,

but homophobic. homosexual adjectives. Adjectives? Is that an adjective? Is shirtlifted an adjective? No. Pejorative? That's why we need a noun.

We need some modern ones that are, like now that, like, now that the gays have got equality and there's no more homophobia in the world. I think we need just some, just some words that are like, you know, like, let's say Harry, in a couple of years,

realises, do you know what, I don't like women, I like a bit of willie, right? And Harry's now a gay man. Like maybe we need, you know, like... Yeah, I'm a bit of a biffy cliro. Well, that's all of your band, isn't it? Biff, biff, towns, like, straight, though. But maybe cliro is, like, Latin for...

No, none of that. Like, what do the gays like? Do you know what I mean? What? What do the gays like? Alka pops? You have I like an alka pot. Now that we've got a quality.

You know, those alco pop honky popers. But I think the... I think some people, gay people like use the F slur with each other. Yeah, totally. They like it. But that's their word in it. Yeah.

Yeah. Totally. But I mean like what could we, you know, like if Harry come out, if I was like, oh, he's a bit of a, it's a bit of a glitter snogger. Do you know what I mean? Something like that. And it's not an insult. It's just, it just means that.

Bit of a sausage wobler. Tell you what about Harry? See, that just feels immediately. No, but I'm a part, you've already said I'm part of the community, so. No, no, but you're not, Harry. I've got the mustache for it. Yeah, exactly. Let's just check.

So far, we've got the gays-loving alco pops, sausages and glitter. Because you've got equality. And we are allies. Maybe we subvert expectations, then, be that, oh, he's a bit of a cement mixer. Because that's quite manly. Just sounds like you work in the trades. Yeah, trading men. Nice.

Bit of a lemon dicing. That's better. That's better. Yeah, something that's like, not. Nothing to do with the stereotypes. He's a bit of a lemon dice. Oh, nothing to do with the stereotypes. This is a bit of a Formula One fan, if you know what I mean.

I absolutely don't. He's a mango scronner. Well, have you ever heard about... Sounds racist. I'm just letting you know we've drifted somewhere else there. Have you ever heard of Polari? What? Isn't that what women do, see I first?

So Polari was... Vietnamese Pilates. Polari was the gay language. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they all used to speak in, like, code, didn't they? Yeah. So like the word naff is Polari. Yeah. Which, because it stands for not available for fucking.

So gay people would see a straight man. He's a bit of me. And then the other gay one would go, ah, nah, ducky, he's naff. And they'd be like, don't fuck it. Those are women. Ducky. Harry's done the research. I tell you right now, that's pretty bang on Polari.

No, Ducky. It's so that they could get away with talking around straight people and straight people. Instead of being like, hey, do you want me just come over there? I'll suck it off. Yeah. Like, obviously, should. people would be like, fucking I don't think he might be gay.

So they'd just be like, they wanted to be able to be like, hey, do you want to come over there and we'll share the wagon wheel together? And people would be like, oh, they're just going for the biscuit. He's a bit of a wagon wheel is a good one. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like the term, a wagon wheel merchant. What type of wagon wheel? A jam. Oh, yeah. Oh, really good. Jammed in.

Do you want to do your own nice? Nice. The term, Barney, is Polari. So like if they've had a bit of a Barney, I assume that means like that. Oh, so we've taken that, have we? Not Barney, NAF, clobber.

Hang on, hang on, but Barney's, we, like, NAF, okay, I get that. That is coded. But it's like, oh my God, they've just had a Barney. That's Polari, by the way. Yeah. No, like, we say that.

Yeah, but. So if we co-opped. It's coming from it. We've taken, they was like old gays. It was like when the Vikings came over. I mean, to be very. We took all their words. Yeah.

No, they were forced on us. Viking words were forced on them. Norman words were forced on. Be fair, the Vikings forced themselves on a lot of things. Wow, gas leak. Struth. Clobber. Clobber.

Clobber. As in clothes. Yeah. Sick. I didn't know. I spoke gay. I've been speaking gay for years, man. It's great.

I told you I was in that line. Yeah? Nice clobber, lab. Just the statement, what do gays like? Like and subscribe. Put it in the comments. So where, so was shirtlifter like every, that was common? Was that in school or what was that?

I definitely heard it, like when I was younger. Like, showered at you or what? I've got to be honest with you. My dad was a bit homophobic towards his kids. Do you know what I mean? Same. Yeah. I think that's a generational thing, in it.

Do you know what I mean? Like, I remember I broke my arm and I was crying and he was like, everyone's going to think you guy. Stop crying. You'd be fine. Do I mean? Because you broke. your arm. I was playing footy

and the ball at my hand. I wasn't even in goal and I remember that my fingers touched like it bent that far back. I think I was like 10 and I was playing with like a load of 18 year olds and it like it just the ball just fucking and it and I knew

straight to way and my dad was like it's just a fucking fucking all the lads think you're fucking gay you're fucking crying go and I have a fucking through shoes and the next day when he took me the hospital and there was a fucking gap that you could for a fucking double decker had chocolate bar for him. He felt quite guilty after that.

Yeah. But I think, I think my dad's, you know, everyone's going to get a shirtlift. I think my dad had said that to me a couple of times. It's obviously not okay. No. Do you ever say that light in the loafers? Sorry?

That's like an old term, in it? He's a bit light in the loafers. Does that just mean you can dance? Yeah. That's all gay, in it. Back in the day, it was. Are you all right? I suppose actually he's got a point.

Yeah. Like men dancing. I reckon if you go back to a far enough, it's like, well, can hell. John Travolta made the street. No, because it's, it's, I think that swung, hasn't it? Like, Gene Kelly was like, I'm thinking of, no, Fred Astaire was like cool. No, actually, I'm talking total shit because they all went to dances. And being a good dancer got you more dancers.

Like that, like, they went to ballrooms, didn't they? And they were like the pop stars of the day, weren't they? all the black and white kind of dancing films singing the rain and all that. Yeah, but also the film stars are a bit. The films were silent back then, so they had to dance. Now you've got,

you've got the era before that. What you mean? We're talking like 40s, 50s. Yeah. In and around there. Yeah, but there was no speech in the films, was it? Yeah, it was.

Yeah, there. They just did the noises. Bap, bap, bap. When did, when were the first talkies? 30s? The 30s? The targeting picture show.

27 to 29. The first one was called the jazz singer. Was that Chaplin? In 27. No, Al Jolson. Al Jolson. He's a bit of a friend of Al Jolson. Yeah, there was definitely talk he's

during the, from Inglorious bastards, during the Second World War. Like the Nazis were trying to use films, weren't they? So, like, they were doing films. We were like, hey, kill all the Jews. That'd be good, won't it?

Like, they were making They were making them films. That for the Spanish crowd. They didn't putting them out. You know what I mean? Yeah, they made them. There was like Nazi super, like film stars, wasn't there? I wonder if you can get them?

Do you reckon if you go to like, you know, one of those places that do like, second-hand DVDs? Do you reckon there's ever like a little Nazi section? Wow. What the fucking... I mean, if they put them on DVD, I think that's... They've gone out of circulation there. The mistake there,

they'd be VHS, wouldn't we? They were at the time, though, right? Do we want this on Blu-ray? I don't think there was anything before VHS, was there? I think that was it. That was the start. What did you used to watch when you were a kid? Is that a beta match?

We just sat around the megaphone. Just told us on the dog. Any news of the ball war? What did you used to watch films on? Yeah, VHS, yeah. But what was before? that? I wasn't bored. I don't think there was anything

like recorded, was there? I think you had to go to the cinema. VHS was the first you watch your own films. Do you remember getting a VHS player? Because wasn't that roughly when you were like little? I think they weren't like in people's houses until the mid to late 80s. Well if they, no, I can't remember the first. I can't remember it being like, look at the new technology, see. And it was massive. I started up. I think we always had a VHS play. the first ever once

1976. So I think by the time people are actually like they're becoming affordable and people are getting them in their houses, that is probably growing up. Yeah.

Yeah, well, did you always have a house phone? Or did you predate that? Do you have a pigeon? One of the first house phones. It's going to be here about 1890. Did you have to call someone to put them in touch with you?

Oh, the switchboard. Yeah, we had to call the switchboard. Did you? Yeah. If you want to speak to you on it Tell me now 1876 The first houseman

Where would you like to be put through to Sentance? Four I remember Like calling the speaking clockloads When I was a kid Used to drive me mum mad We didn't

We didn't have a clock in the living room So I used to just be like Tams it Nobody's You asked him You were speaking to the speaking class So scouse Cheers lad

Get on me Did you just say get on me to the speaking clock. Yeah, get on. What was the, was the speaking clock you'd call for the time? You'd just call a number

and go, it's 12.07, you go, nobody's kid. At the third time. It's had these massive fucking warehouses full of people just answering the phone,

constantly telling people the time. My earliest kind of technology is those, when you press the red button, you play games on the Skybox. Yeah, the bum will be one. The bum will be one.

That's the OG in her. Yeah. And there was a Tom and Jerry one as well. It cost quite a bit. I don't know what that is. I remember someone whipping out a pager for the first time. That was like,

that was the start of the, a pager. And it's just, it's just like, like, ring your mom, the house is done via. Was that like,

was that text it? That was texting, wasn't it? Really texting. You got to ring a number and then that put it through to a, you, because you weren't, no one was texting at the,

like, so you rang a number and then it texts that, through to the pager, and then you had to find a phone and then ring that number. Genuine question. Was your first phone, like mobile, massive? It was a, like, a Nokia, yeah, it was pretty big.

But then, was it? I had a big Motorola thing. It was like... I had a phone that looked like a house phone with no wire. What are they called the Nokia 3210? Yeah, yeah. The famous one was snake. I had a bigger one than that.

I had a Motorola that was just like a big fucking Bosch. And then Motorola had a flip phone that looked cool as fuck. Yeah, I had a flip phone. I had a mandarin duck. When did pages like become obsolete? Do you reckon anyone got a page that 9-11's happened? Do you reckon someone got a page going, hey, they've done 9-11, just let you know, and without a milk?

Get on me. No, page... Genuinely, 2001. That Motorola stopped making pages in 2001. Yes. What the fuck he's doing? Have you got a mobile? No, still rocking the pageer.

I mean, some people go retro now. Maybe it would be worth getting one. I've always wanted a house phone with the... You know, when you're young and you're like, one day I'll have a house and the phone will be one of them that you put onto your ear like a Victorian. No one's ever said that ever, other than you.

Genuinely. I thought they were quite cool. I always wanted a phone box in the house when I was a kid. I wanted a big red London phone box in the house. I remember... I can see that as like a... statement kind of piece.

Yeah. Ring, ring, ring. What's happening, lad? London, is it? Orrigh, Orring, O'Ring. You get a Chinese lady to be the ringtone. O'ring, or ring, o'ring, you're ringing. Oh, I couldn't have done the last bit.

I saw you at a house yesterday. There's no, there's no room for a big red phone box. That isn't, no. Phone books. Well, no, I could get rid of the, you know, the oven or something. It's very nicely done. Yeah? Yeah. It's the first time I've seen Adam's house.

She's on me. Brought the kids over. I saw that height and lake. Yeah. Took a Jack to feed the ducks and the seagulls and the geese. Wow. They're so entertained by you, my kids. You've got a level of attention and adoration

that isn't totally normal. They just switched on, Mom. Yeah. It's a lot, isn't it? They know when they're around a star, you know. I was just watching it play out going, it's great that Adam's the fun uncle. But they were so.

Oh, mesmerized by you. They did all of their jokes. It was like they were like, oh, cool, this is a writing session. And just kept doing all of the jokes. And as soon as Jack did one, Etta, was like, Adam. And Jack will not just say Adam. There isn't another Adam in our life.

He doesn't know another Adam. And he sat there on Lark Lane going, Adam Row. Adam Row. Adam Row. Adam Row. What do you call? At one point, like,

Adam was just doing a sort of a southern accent. And Chad, he was like, I was like, ha ha ha ha. So I was like, this is my whole life. It's all my fucking job. It was mental how mesmerized by like,

and it was great because it's easy parenting because you go, great, I just get to sit back, make sure they don't piss themselves or fall into the road. But they were both like, yeah, nice one, Dad's seen a bit. And just pointed at Adam.

Just complete concentration. Then we went up into height and, oh yeah, just next to. Lark Lane. It's just a far end at Highton Park. And Adam had to get back because Remy was like hip in

and he needed to wake him up. And Adam left. And then both my kids just went, oh, I'm tired now. Can we go home? Where's this? Did you not get them an ice cream? Yeah, we got them an ice cream.

Oh, so you went there. The ice cream. That cue just looked a bit daunting to me so I was like, you know the walk down from your house. Yeah. We all had a laugh. Feeding ducks.

They were entertained. That took us maybe 20, 25 minutes. They were having a nice time. The walk back, it was like, they gone, oh, you know that walk you did to the park and to Lott Lane. Well, that's now four times longer. They were absolutely knackered the whole way. It's a bit of a walk.

I was almost 40 minutes or whatever. Oh, Lord. Do you think you could lose your kids to a cult? I mean, if the cult want to take them for some of the summer holiday, then, yeah. I'd be interested. Like a cult of personality, like... No, if Adam started a cult?

Yeah. Do you think they'd go? What? How would he start this cult? In sort of YouTube and audio form? Yeah. Call it a podcast, maybe. Yeah.

And then get people to pay for it monthly. Yeah, fees. It was so funny because Jack had basically no fear with any of the birds. So on the big lake, there's ducks, there's ducks, geese, swans, seagulls. And if you've got bread, they fucking wanted off you. And Jack's just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Etta was a bit, like, nervous around all the birds. She's like, like getting rid of her.

And when it comes to Remy, Jack, his instinct is to go and stroke him. But he's scared because of how big he is. So he sort of walks towards him while shit. So he's going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like in his time. Like Friday night dinner? Yeah.

Yeah. Sure. Never seen it. But have you seen it? No. with Wilson. I've seen. Where the guy

scared of his own dog. I'm like that with Remy, though. Yeah. Like, to be fair to Jack, the last time he saw Remy, he was one-eighth of the size he is now. And now he's bigger than Jack. Yeah.

So Jack loves dogs, but he's got every ride to be like, wow. This fuck is like, if I hadn't met up with you for three months and then you turned up eight times bigger, I think I'd have some reservations as well. And then Remy's so excited.

And he just sort of, But Remy, it's not like he jumps up and he just sort of keeps moving into your area, doesn't it? He just sort of like... I like you. I want to be near you. You get a bit wobbly when he... It gets a bit wobbly when he walks, though. Yeah.

But animals just freak me out a little bit. Not freak me out. Like, I'm all for dogs and that. I don't know. I do a lot of this. A lot of twitching. Like, and I'm not sure if it's... I'm scared of being slobid on

or if I think, oh, Remy's going to bite my hand off and then I'm going to have like a hook for a hand. Scared of being slobber on? I don't know. It's a politician. Sloboda Milosevic. Yeah, nice.

Yeah, it did got done for Warcraft. But I just, I don't know, I think I'm a bit of a germophobe with animals. What if I felt like? Can I just say, even if you're not a germaphobe, Perry and Remy are so big now that if you're wearing like beige shorts or whatever, and you get a slobadan, a old Milosevic, anywhere around the crotch, You just spend the day looking like you've jizzed. Yeah.

Also, I get that. Like, I avoid the slobber, and I have picked a particularly slobbery breed, but I do avoid it. Also, Remy's started just coming out of his penis. Nice. And then if his penis... What?

He comes green. I don't think that's... Is that good? That's not good, is it? It's normal, apparently. But at the other day, I just had, like, a green mark on my top. And I was like, oh, I don't know what that is.

But I just, I was about to walk, Remy anyway, with Alex. We were just going to go over the field and just do, like, his evening walk that he gets some times. And I had, like, green on my top. And I was like, oh, I'm getting changed and I get back anyway. So we're only going to the field. And Alex was like, oh, you've got cum on your top. And I was like, fucking haven't. And she was like, it's not your cum.

It's Remi's come. Do you want to hear something that's going to make it ten times worse? Sure. The reason it's green is because it's dog smegma. How is that worse than cum, but it is? isn't it? Yeah. So I had dog smankment on my top

and I went for the walk. I can see why you're nervous around dogs now, Harry. I think you've... Well, and also he regularly pisses all over, Carl. I don't want to be... Because I don't want him to think I'm this territory. He's got better in the past couple of weeks with his piss control.

Basically, puppies and tildered about one. If they're excited, they just lose control of... They're just like, ah, this is great in it. Oh, shit, I've pissed on the floor. But he's already getting a bit better with it. Now we're in the smegma face.

Carl has a go to me for this. I don't let even Wallace like lick my face. I've got like a boundary. Like that's my boundary. A totally understandable boundary. Love dogs. Love hanging out with them. Don't kiss my face.

Carl's like Tom Brady. Kisses Wallace on the mouth. And you like that with women though as well? No, I'd kiss them on the face. Oh. And they just keep a bit of distance as well. Right, yeah. On a lead.

Yeah, yeah. I get that totally because dogs do most of their work with their mouth, don't they? Like, it's everywhere. So if you go, hey, I probably, like, I know some dog owners are like, yeah, I absolutely love dogs. I love my dogs, but they don't get to kiss me. It seems like a smart business decision really, doesn't it? Yeah. They eat poo as well.

Yeah. Like a lot. And Perry, was it Perry, or Remy that threw up the other day and was just like, oh, shong in it. He'd get to Betty in the park and it was just a bit, it was just a bit of foam. Like, it was fine. Wasn't like sick.

You can't be doing that. I like, I like the sort of little hug with Remy. And then he goes to sort of, and then you go, whoa, you know. Like an uncle at a fucking party. You're like, oh, just, just on this, just a little kiss on the cheek. Yeah.

That's small, short uncle. Come here, uncle. You're all right. You're a good boy. The smoochy uncle. You have a smooch uncle, don't you? Yeah. Is he a bit like in the loafies?

Do you have a smooch? He is light in the loafers. Oh, I see. I see. Let's have a break. If you want. How much water? Did you reckon you drink a day?

Do you make on? Your mic's not on. Hi, guys. Welcome back to this episode of the Half Word podcast. But a litre, a litre and a half. Now, does that include when I put pre-workout, protein powder? I'd also do Celtic salt. Celtic salt?

I think electrolytes and water. And I give you creatine as well. Right, but I put creatine in my pre-workout and my protein shake. Okay. And I have, I drink a lot of water, but I fuck with it. Yeah. Because I'm a scientist. and I'm going to die at 53.

You have salty water? Yes, I have salty water. What does that taste like? It tastes like salty water? No, apparently if you can taste the salt, you've put your fat fingers in too deep. Like you should, it's just a small amount. It shouldn't.

Yeah, I meant the bag of Celtic sea salt, but I see what you do? The bag of poos. What does it do? I just watched one Instagram reel that said it's really good for you. Yeah, it's hydrated, isn't it? It's, it's, it's, it helps you, like, really impressionable. Massively.

I don't know. 100%. 100%. Very little research. Love, uh, what's it when, anecdotal. I just, I just need someone to go, hey, this is dead good, you know. Where'd you draw the line there, though?

It's like if someone was like, a jouston's dead good for you. Would you take that up? I would love to do a medieval, Like day. Like a Camelot day. Well, there's a patron special idea. I think jouston might be the one that... Is jousting the one where you run each other on a horse with a big stick?

Yeah. I would run each other with a big stick. Oh, you know, you've got to do the horse, but... I'm not getting that. I'm like Mr. T with horses. I'm not getting on a fucking horse. You've been on a horse? It's on camera.

Unless it's for money. And then I'll think about it. Did you ever go to Camelot? Like the theme part? Did I? Dan Nightingale, who grew up in Preston, Lancashire, just a few junctions down the M6 from M-601, from fucking Charnet Richard, go to Camelot, mate.

Yes. We had a family pass at Camelot. That's how you're living. It was like Alton Towers for people who couldn't afford Alton Towers. Well, I couldn't afford Alton Towers or Camelot. So I don't know what that means. Ooh, here we go. Sad times.

Oh, it's so sad we had no money in the day. British Village family. Didn't we drive to somewhere like Leeds and you were like, this is the farthest of father I've ever been away from home. What? This is so far for me.

Do you remember the start like early half a word? I'd never been to Scotland. Right, okay. You have now. Yeah, I'd never been to Scotland. Oh, it was when we went to Chillingham, not Chillingham. What was the first ghost hunt?

Ponte Fract. That was the furthest north I'd ever been at that point. Not even. Is it north? Is it Ponte north? It's just north. It's north from here, in it?

It's just east. A bit. It's just east. Yeah, I'd not been that far north. I think that I've confabulated the memory, but it very much felt like, because we were in the carty where, I've never been on the M-62 before, sir.

I never went to Pontifract as a child. We did Rill or Turkey. They were the two options, because my mum and dad didn't drive, so it just didn't go anywhere. Yeah, you never did any British road trips. No. What about London?

London. I went one, but until the age of 18 I'd been once to London with a school trip where we met Boris Johnson. Met Boris Johnson? Yeah. I've been never brought that up. Didn't feel relevant. What were you, what were you doing for?

What were you meeting for? We went on a tour of Parliament and he just rocked up and started chatting to us all. It was his mayor of London era, so he got off his bike, he had his scruffy air. He was on a zip line. He was on a zip line. He was punching kids.

He was doing all the Boris hits. Now that's what I call Boris Johnson. Right. Okay. That's a fucking cool little add-on to a trip to Parliament. Who went Parliament, London Eye, and then back on the train. Did you do Turkey every year in your childhood? Every single year for two weeks, every year.

It's not like, because, like, you can sort of stay with fact, like it was a cheap holiday, won't it? But we had the house then. Like, do you know that bit we went to? everyone were my family Oh, I couldn't afford to go to Camelot. We just had a fucking two houses, one in Turkey and one in real.

Fuck off, crying poverty with your multiple properties. I mean, the turkey houses have worked. You're laying off Boris Johnson did, you're having your fucking second home? My mum didn't work, guys. Did you? Did you? You're lazy.

Thank you, sir. I've never been to Hull. I only had three or four weeks in turquetry's. Well, kind of. Kind of. They rented it out. We rented it. By home, I think you're expecting a nice

house. It wasn't nice. Bad landlord, you. What? I wasn't the landlord. My only house wasn't nice. Yeah, I had two not nice houses. That's a lie in my house and real is dead nice. Top Trump. No, I never even left my fucking road, lad.

Did you do regular holidays? No, he went skiing in Yugoslavia. That's not regular. I meant like... Oh, sorry. I think that was because my dad, you know, God rest his soul, was a big selfish kunt and basically went, I really want to go skiing a lot. He got into skiing when he was probably in his mid-30s and was like, I want to go skiing and I want to go skiing as much as possible.

But I can't blag two boys' trips out skiing, so I'm going to have to do one family trip. So I think that's where a lot of our money went. I had an anxiety dream last week about our ski trip that I was kind of Michael Schumach and myself. What in the snow centre in Manchester? Well, we're going next year, aren't me? I was just worried that I'm going to get overconfidence and, you know, go nose first to a... Oh, you are going to go overconfident.

But you're going to be on the penguin slopes for the first few days. What's penguin slopes? It's the green for learners. Is that like just less steep? This increases your chances of you, Michael Schumacher, and yourself? No, I don't need to do the learner slopes. Have you ski before?

No, no, but I'm not a fucking pussy. I'm doing me laying an actual factor, aren't I? All right, cool, we'll get down the blacks. Black slopes. Did your dad hang out with you on that holiday, or did he, is that where you've got that from? Like, did he just fuck off? Yeah.

Yeah, he did you. All right. So you have passed that on. But that's allowed on a ski trip, you go and do your lessons in the morning or whatever. Right, okay. You do break up. You don't ski together as a,

family the whole day. But I was pretty good, pretty quick at skiing. So I could ski with a dad. Are you going to stay on the green sobs with me? Why? What do you mean? We're going together. Yeah, we are going together. And you'll be in a class with nearly everyone. And me and Jack Finnegan and Will Huchby will have a little ski. No, we're sticking together, man. Can you do a flip? Do you think I can do a flip? I mean, I don't know how difficult it is to ski or how quick we'll get there in the third hour. Have you skied before? Harry? No.

Oh, God. I've just, I've, I've just realized that you're going skiing. He's going to Michael Schumacher, you. I'm worried as well because I... Eight French children died today. I honestly reckon I'll be safer on the black slope on day one and on the green one with him. Well, I met a girl who had a ski through her head. Oh yeah, you've talked about that.

She had a documentary about her, she had a documentary about her. And she had a ski through it. So I've been nervous ever since then because, like, she wasn't even skiing. She was just having, like, I play ski at the bottom or whatever. And someone skied through her head. It's not funny. I mean, it is possible. It is possible.

She had, and it took out like the, the filter part of her brain, so she was at this film festival. Oh, you cannot get a fucking ski through the head. You already don't have much filter. Yeah, exactly. If you get a ski through the head, what's happening? Well, I was thinking about snowboarding. I don't think, I think my legs are too bowed for skiing.

My feet go out like that. I think thinks I walk like Mr. Toad. You ever been ice skating? Yeah, and I fell over. Yeah. Yeah, like a lot, like I could not do it. Same. I was probably nice.

And then the day after, Warwick Davis was ice skating at the same place. I was gutter. I missed him. You know you're going to be bad at snowboarding as well, though, initially. Yeah, but I feel like that's, my legs are fixed then. Do you know what I mean? Snowboarding's easier to learn, but harder to master, apparently. And skiing's harder to learn, but easier to master.

Hey, well, it doesn't matter. We're going to be together for 15 hours a day skiing the same slopes. I'm not going unless you're staying with you. You're doing lessons, mate. You'll be in a left. Yeah, you can teach me. I don't want to be your teacher. I'm not your teacher.

I'm not your teacher. What? Just going in your fucking class. Everyone's in the class. Harry's in the class. I don't want to be in class with him. I don't want to be anywhere near him. Can we get a jet ski?

Not a jet ski. Snowmobile. We cannot get a jet ski. Because Sean Kingston, they died on a snowmobile, didn't he? Nope. That was a jet ski. No, it was a snowmobile.

Nope, it was a jet ski because it was in like California. I don't think there's snow-bobiling in California. I would, I bet money that it was in snow-bubing. I know my Sean Kingston, like, drama. Hold the pod, everyone. We're going to find out how Sean Kingston died. He didn't die?

Nearly died. Nearly died. Sean Kingston's stable after jet ski crash in Miami Beach, Florida. Are we sure it was on the sea? Yeah, the snowy hills of Miami. He went a bit mad after that. started posting Facebook memes and stopped making music.

I think he'd already stopped making music at that point. Yeah, he had one banger and he's just like that. Two bangers. Oh, yeah. Suicidal. Beautiful girls. Oh, I was going to say suicidal. I'm beautiful girls. And they're there.

We like to sleep all day and party all night. I don't think you needed his accent. That was my voice. I just sound like Sean Kingston. I wonder if there's any Sean Kingston fans who are like, oh, yeah, finally. He's getting the record. Ignitionally deserved.

I mean, Beautiful Girls is all-time pop banger. Is it your era, though, when you were having your four-week, second home holidays? Yeah, it is.

That is roughly the right time. Then we are way to beautiful girl. Bad. Bad stuff that. You can listen to that. You can put that on in your ski lessons when I'm not there.

All the fucking noise you listen to. Just because it's not the fucking Cliff Richard or whatever in your pop era. But they're not listening to the Cliff Richard. Yeah, I'm always listening to The Cliff Richard. Plus, you've got my tasting music a lot of times, so shut up, Finn. What was like, when you first started going to club, what was like your, what was, what, like, first week in the club, what's, what's your, what, what do you associate with being 80?

Because mine was, I got a feeling by black eyepies, that was big when we started going out. See, that is year six for me. Yeah. Murder on the dance laws coming back. That must have been around that. 2004? I was a late bloomer. I think that is like 2003, four.

It can't be. Maybe I'm wrong. Can't be. What year are you born? Eighty-one. So what was... Going the club in 99, because I couldn't get in before that because I looked on. 2001.

What was the biggest floor filler of 1999? Pretty green eyes, is it? Something like that. It might be. Were you in the club when... Is it Millennium by Robbie Williams? Is it Millennium? Better off alone.

Praise you. Yeah, fat boy slim. Oh, yes. A bit of fat boy slim. Yeah. This is not as fun as I wanted it to be. Because I remember these songs and they're sort of been my... Blue Dabadi.

Music sounds better with you? Yeah, they are, they're too modern. I wanted them to be like fun. They were still bangers. They were still bangers when you were going out. Yeah. No, they weren't getting played when I went to the club. It was all like,

Duke Jamont and Jacks Jones. Yeah, but like they were still getting played every now and then. I don't think... I thought it was going to be fucking... Phrase you was ever played in a club I was in. Yeah, but he was in Pop World, mate.

I thought it was going to be fucking, like fucking Frank Sinatra and Frankie... Frank Sinatra. Frankssonati? Franki DeTori and Frank Sinatra. Frankie Kikoso. The old crooners. Frank Sinatra

and a jockey. Oh, yeah. Dischockey? I did it my way. Won the Cheltenham Gold Cup. What was your way, Frankie? Just to go faster than everyone else. Fucking smart.

Daniel Nose says, Hi, guys. Do you think there are more different first names in the world or more different surnames in the world? I don't know the right answer. Just like the wheels and doors. What do you think? I think people make up more,

there's more variations of first names, isn't there? When I went to America, everyone's called Jackson, Flaks and... There's well more first names. It's not even close, is it? Well,

from everything I've seen from the internet, I think black Americans are really going to prop up the numbers of first names because I think they just make them up. But then there is... Kevin Hart has assured me that that is what happens.

So many, like, Joneses. There's so many Joneses. unlike in... Yeah, but there's so many Johns. Yeah, Dan. Is there another Dan nightingale in your family? Is there another Dan? No.

Is there another nightingale? There isn't other nighting girls in my family. There you go. Case closed. That's the end of that. To be fair, there's a lot of Mohammeds though, isn't there? In my family. There's a lot of Dan Muhammad knight and girls.

There's a couple of Mahler's in my family. Oh, God, well, there actually is, isn't there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you called Mohammed? Finn. No, but I know Muslims, like most of them are called Muhammad, aren't they? But then they are... Not most.

It's the most common name in the world, I think. Yeah, but aren't they all actually called Muhammad? And then it's like Muhammad Finn Kull of us and like ignore the Muhammad bit that's just shit. By the way, I don't think... I know Turkey is Muslim, but it's Muslim light. It's Muslim... I can't believe it's not Muslim. It is a bit...

I can't believe it's not Muslim. Muhammad in Turkey is not a big thing, is it? Yeah. Is it? Yeah. No. There's more Momets though. Momet is the most, like...

Is that Turkish for Mohammed? I don't think so. I mean, I think it's Turkish for like John. Right. Listen, I don't want to speak about Muslim culture without no one anything about it. But I am going to. I've just done it about black culture. And we started with gay.

If you go to Saudi Arabia, from what I understand, everyone's got Muhammad in their name. Every bloke has got Mohammed in their name at some point. Is that the case in Turkey? Because I do not think it is. Don't think so. No. Because Turkey's like, oh yeah, we are Muslim,

but we're more Turkish than we're Muslim. Whereas a lot of, like, the Middle Eastern... I think it's when... Again, I'm speaking without really knowing the facts. I think it's when everyone had to change their names. I think Mohammed got diluted. When Ataturk was like, we're going to do it like this. Pick one of these names.

He was like a general in... Like he was a hero, wasn't he? war hero. He is... He is... He's... Just sort of it is how offensive it is, the bingoes called Mecca.

Because they hate gambling. They love gambling. Huh? They love gambling. Muslims? Yeah. No. Not allowed?

They're not allowed. No. How'd you not know? That's one of the fucking pillows of Islam. You're thinking of dessert shops. The famous pillows of Islam. Sleep well, Muhammad. There are no ACAs for you today.

Yeah, they're not allowed to gamble. Yeah. I don't know how to drink either, are they? No. No drinking. No gambling. No bumming other people with penises. These are...

I think it's just no bumming. These are the pillows. I think it's just no bumming. Bumming out right. I think even straight bumming's gay. But even in Christianity. In Islam. Even in Christianity, that's not...

Like, hardcore Christianity. That's not true. No. Sodomy. They tell Catholic women to take. up the ass before they get married. Where in which? It was this Matthew Luke.

Isn't that a thing? When Catholic women take it in the ass before marriage because they were like, ah, my pussy's still pristine. Maybe some liberal. That sounds like Baptist churches. Father O'Leary. So you are, girl.

Hey kids is enough. You want to whack it up this. It was like Catholic bum fun was like a thing. Yeah. It's definitely banned in Islam. Yeah. Muhammad explicitly forbid anal inscourse apparently.

I don't know when he said that. And I reckon Jesus was as well. He was like, ah. No, Jesus wasn't. Jesus never mentioned the gays. Jesus is sound. Jesus was an ally and a socialist. This isn't just about gays,

it's about bumming. All of the New Testament. Jesus never mentions gay people. He's not arced. And gay people existed in biblical times. Never mentioned him. He goes after the rich constantly, constantly attacking the rich.

If you've got wealth, you should give it away, all of that. It's all of the Old Testament where they're like, oh, you can't be gay. Oh, you can't wear that material with that material. Oh, watch out for the ox. Fuck off.

I think. It's the Old Testament that is always the problem. But Catholic women took her up the ass to preserve their vagina, didn't he? I think they might have done, but that's frowned upon. What Christianity or what Catholicism says or what Google says, Catholicism says,

is that anal sex is fine, but you have got to try and make a kid. So do it and then pull out and then go back in. What? Who says that? It says procreation. What is? Using anal sex as a form of contraception

or where procreation is intentionally blocked is considered sinful. Yeah. It'd be a hell of a sermon, wouldn't it? A hell of a sermon from the priest. Right. I'm going to get in the nitty gritty today.

not too much The priest telling you not to put a cock up Sutton's ass is a bit fucking pock-all in the kettle black in it fuck off mate at least it's not a boy what was the question

it's about names do you reckon Jesus ever kissed like John the Baptist on the mouth what well because he was given out foot jobs and that wasn't he at the last supper

sorry that was the thing wasn't it no John Baptist was giving out foot jobs. No. Something to do with feet. It was no, Tarrantino, OS.

No, Jesus walked on water. That's, that's why. No, there was something in foot related. And he was like, come with you. Yeah, but it's, you know, you're having a meal with the boys. Do you think of foot jobs? Someone's sucking a foot.

There was just feet foreplay. Footplay. That's not a foot job. A foot job is like getting out a girl, you know, for me. Sorry to be so heteronormative, but get it to put a feet together like that, and then you fuck the gap.

Oh my. Illuminati. Yeah. Give it off what jobs. Can you just make it clearer what you mean? I just don't know. Sometimes your language is so flowery. We don't.

Yeah. No. Oh, talk about Jesus. So you would fuck that gap in the middle there. Sandals on or sandals off? Depends how kinky you are. I need a slightly bigger gap. Huh?

You need a slightly bigger gap than that, surely. It depends out By the way You're biblical times Yeah You're hanging around With Jesus You're walking around

Miles at a time They've all got sandy feet Yeah they've all got They're killing Ask John the Baptist For a foot rub Doesn't have to be sexual These are one of the comfiest

pieces of foot wearing In my closet Yeah they are in the closet Let's do it have a word It's going to have a word But that I'm about Yeah What your friends

Fancy Andorando's, anyone, Fancy Annandos? Do you know, no? Boring. Boring? We're in a city that's got really good restaurants options and we're going to a fucking chain for a Portuguese cunts. I'll go Hawksmore. I've never been to Hokesmore. Hokesmore?

Yeah. Should you go Hokesmore? I want to get a side stink. You go to Horksmore? It'll also drive Carl Madd if we go to Horksmore while he's not here. Let's do Horksmore. I've decided mentally. Boys, it's on the company.

Horksmore for lunch today. Probably your birthday as long. You can go where you want. Probably go on my taxes too. from Steve Steve, Steve Quilliam says Steve Quilliams, bit of a character

this guy. Have a word with my wife on Thursday night, around midnight, heard a noise and she screamed my name from the other room. I've ran in

and seen her dressing gown she was wearing engulfed in flames. I've ripped it off her, threw it to the floor, and stamped on it to put the flames out. I'm just wearing boxes

at this point. I've put the flames out and picked up the smouldering dressing gown, chucked it in the bath and ran it underwater. Turns out it was a power bank that decided to spontaneously combust. My foot's black and currently blistered to fuck. Fast forward to today,

we're telling friends about the ordeal and she says, watching him stamp it out in his boxes really gave me the ick. Have a word with my wife for being an ungrateful, scandalous. You're a hero. Let her burn next time.

Let her burn. Yeah. What's what I mean? She kept it on? She was shuddered on, didn't she? I'd have used that to be like, you're so fire. Like,

it was, you're so fit in that dressing gown that it's spontaneously combusted. Yeah, but he's annoyed at her, though. He's annoyed her, he's annoyed her because she slagged him off. She's being a fucking psycho.

Oh, you gave me the ick. I'm fucking sick of this shit. God, the way he saved my life. Could have got third degree burns, but, oh, God, he was.

ramping in a weird way. I don't know. I'd like to think if in that situation I'd be good, but I think I'd like, I don't know whether I could do it. I think I'd be worried about my foot. I think, like, fight or flight kicks in, and you'd probably just, you'd be able to debby.

I think some people have got there a good sort of, what do you call it, like muscle twitch on reacting to stuff like that, and other people not great, just sort of go like rabbit in headlights. how do you stamp in a cool way anyway like the cha-cha slide just cha-cha-slide it because otherwise I think you just

you look like a kind of rushing dancing sorry if you're stamping like no one stamps sexually really do they you can't come and also at the face of danger you can't be like why does you have to stamp sexually

he's saving her life yeah but I'm saying like I'm a power bag that she's apparently got in her fucking pocket why she's in the house why are you using a power bank in your house that's a good point actually yeah that is a good point

Oh, I'm getting a bath. I'm going to charge my phone in the bath. Mad, cunt, ungrateful, mad cunt. Should he leave her? Yeah, this is it. You reckon he should leave her? It's major red flags, though. It gave me the icht the way you save me life.

Well, then fucking die. Drown, burn. Clip it. Anonymous, hi lids. I woke myself up with a fart during a massage on a, holiday. We had traveled for 20 hours, so I booked us straight in for a massage when we got there, but I was absolutely exhausted, so I fell asleep almost instantly. I then woke up, I woke myself up with a pretty audible fart, but because I'd traveled for ages and was deep asleep,

I did that thing you do where you don't know where you are for a bit. I've jumped off the table and realized I was naked and had farted and didn't know who the Mexican woman was in the room with me. I ended up coming to my senses, but the woman was terrified. and asked if I could leave. Have a word with her for making a big deal about it and not finishing the massage. She made a big deal of the fart or the fact that he woke up and acted weird?

I think he's just freaked her out. Yeah, that's on you. If he's jumped up with his cock out, though. Why has he got his cock out? He said he's naked. He's having a massage, isn't he? Yeah. It's one of them foreign massages.

That's what you meant to do when someone breaks into the house, aren't you? Run at them naked. You meant to fart up and then... I don't know the fart, but. I got a foot and head spa when we went to Carden Park a couple of months ago

and fell asleep. I often fall asleep when I'm having massages. Wow. You're having aggressive massages. Especially, like a back massage sometimes I'll be awake for all of it. Even with them I'll often fall asleep,

but a foot and head spa. Is to relax you in it? It's genuine. It just sends me asleep. And I kept going, like in my sleep, I'm waking myself up. And then I thought,

you know what? I'm going to, apologize for all of them at the end, rather than each individual one. And at the end, I was like, I'm really sorry about that. I was just so relaxing. She was like, no, it's just so I'm doing a good job.

And anyway, I'll see her in a few months come to see it in real. And I was like, I want to blow my own. So you've done unconscious like, and she's like, oh my God, can't wait to see him live. Also, I forgot to tell you, on Monday's Patreon episode. I went to tell you it the other day,

and then just forgot, but it's sorts of to do with, I guess, doing stuff in your sleep. Obviously, Saturday, we went to Gina's engagement and we were on the ale for 12 hours. Good day.

Lots of booze, lots of tequila, lots of Guinness, apor all spritz, all that. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you Alex's version of the story because I haven't got a version of the story because I don't remember any of it.

I bulldozed, her word, through the door. at 2.37am and was very clearly, apparently, trying to be quiet and failing. Like, for example, I got undressed in the bathroom rather than in the bedroom.

I think that makes sense, though. You're trying to be considerate. You're asleep. Let me do it in a different room. So she decided once I got into bed not to let me know that she'd been woken up by me because then she's like, then I'll have to interact with you. And I just thought you'd just go asleep,

which I did. I went asleep. she was Alex sleeps in a sleep mask like it wraps all the way around her head it's like a really big cushioned one and it's just to block the light essentially at 5.30 in the morning

she woke up to me trying to drag it off her head like in my sleep so I was like pulling her off her I then tried to rearrange my bedside table and turned the telly on and she walked around fuming because obviously I just woke her up

She's been, essentially been woken up to this. So she walked out to my side of the bed, tucked the remote off of me, and apparently I snatched the remote back off of her and went, will you just go away? So you're, you're just semi-conscious. You're basically asleep and you've gone to turn the tell you on. Yeah.

And I made quite a lot of noise, and she never got back asleep after that until she went to work at 8 o'clock in the morning. A little bit of anxiety, yeah? Yeah. What we saw face mask just over her eyes? It's not all the way around. Right.

Over your mouth, even? Like Hannibal Lecter? That must be horrible. No, all the way around there, like... Oh, I thought you meant like a balaclava. Like a sleep balaclava. Like she's a kneecap. Good night, love.

No, it just wraps all the way around. It's all cushioned. But I was just trying to rag it off her head for some reason. Have you got any memory of the dream that was going on? No memory of any of it. I think she might be lying, to be honest. But, you know, she... Always, always...

She's come up with the story, so I thought I'd share her. You know? I support her. writing endeavours. We slept in the same bed once in a holiday. We're gone. I want to go to Goldies and get a pizza. Sold.

I've not been yet. Sold. Sold. Are you hungry, though? What do you mean? Are you hungry? I'm hungry for pizza. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. That's good. Because we've got a damn versus food. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. What, the pizza edition? It's pretty much pizza. It's pizza toppings. Right, great.

Hit me with it. Hit the jingle. What's this? Oh, you fucking animals. What are we doing? What is it? Oh my God. Oh, God.

This is the worst one. So we've talked about this for a while. Do you want to do the intro of them? we'll... Oh, I... Oh, God. What? Oh, God.

These aren't pizza toppings. This is a hate crime. They can be. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dan versus food. Dan is a 47-year-old man with food phobias. Dan is scared of the most basic dinner. You know, he'd never had a pie

until we made a mad one. He'd never had fish and chips. And speaking of fish, He's never had tinned fish before. We have got several options today. We've got tinned mackerel. We've got tinned sardines. We've got tinned tuna, I imagine.

And they're going to be some lovely anchovies right there. Has it got the head on? I was like Chernobyl in here now. Chernobyl. No. I was in co-op before. I was just like, you know, Dan, you've come a long way now. We started with hot dogs.

Why not go with tin fish? Because we talked about it for a while. I think this could actually result in some vomit, which, you know, is always the aim of the feature. You're fired. So, Dan, we're going to start the sardines. I think there's also a shot of brine as well. Yeah.

See if we get there. I think that could be a chaser, can't it? People eat brine. People eat brine. Brian. I can't do it. Like a family guy. I can't do it.

Could you do it? Yeah. I'm one of the handsums today, no. Oh, yeah. You're full of brine? Yeah, mate. You can have too much brine, can't you? This is awful.

Yeah, but you'll be okay. This is number one. This is sardines. There you go, that. Oh, lovely sardines. I honestly think sardines you might actually like. The smell you're getting is from the other ones. Sardines are quite nice.

I haven't breathed through my nose once since you walked in the room with it. Sardines tastes like chicken. Oh, it's so bad. Look at how ill it looks. It looks so bad. Yeah, but Dan, cats love it. Oh, no.

No. Okay. Is it nice that one? Dan, Dan, here's the thing. So, it's in my mouth. Yeah, that's the point. Dan. Sardines was always going to be the worst one,

so I thought we'd start you there because now you know the other ones can't be as bad. So this is mackerel. I can't, it's still in my mouth. Let's do some, oh, are we here's throwing up? Is he actually being safe? He's actually thrown up.

Oh, shit. Right, mackerel now. Why did you think this was like a normal step? I thought it'd be funny. This is like giving a lot of the box of Mike Tyson. Yeah, it's good content. Trying to find out what he likes. Move the kitchen roll out of the way down.

We need to be able to see it. That's macro. That's too more, Chaddham. I'm having a hard time. Yeah, but it's easier to swallow if there's more of it. Oh, yeah. That's a fact Mackle

Go on Big, big bite lovely lovely Chewerey Harry's retching as well Harry do you want some Absolutely not

It's not happening This is the worst day of my podcast I want to go back To teach it Right You never been the teacher I know

You know the worst thing about this is Julie be like Oh I'll finish these And they Yeah Judea's Judy has had some of it already I love that girl

but she'd mantle Tuna Do you want a little taste? Do you want a little taste as well? Oh, a big thing. Is that how much you eat when you have tin tuna? Do you get a big mouthful, Adam? Because you're famously always scurrent tuna, aren't you?

Oh, is it in brine? Let's hope it's in brine. Yeah, of course it's in brine. Oh no, it's in spring water. You got this, Dan. Shut up. That looked pretty gelatinous to me. That's the least offensive one so far.

And that was the reaction? It's really effective. Oh, my mouth. I would suggest you do the anchovies with your fingers. Do you see you get it? Just see it's on your fingers all day as well. What is that? Is it on edge?

Looks like a massive plankton. You're not far off. Bite it. Ooh. Oh, he likes it. Swall in it. Yeah. You got one thing left.

A shot of brine. That will be the least offensive thing. Is it? I'm not. It's just salt. I'm not drinking. Dan, it's just salt. Roos.

Big gulp. Just salt. People have that in a martini. I hate you, Finn. I'm going, Nando. You go goldies. I've quit. We need your ratings.

Right. So you started with sardines, was it? Minus 4,722. What was the next one? Macro. Minus 9,7. 1783. Tune is bad.

Bad. One. Oh. I'll give... That's like a Gregs. This has been the absolute standout of the day. Antchvies?

I give one and a half. So you like anchovies more than you like a chicken bake from Greg's? Bloody danchavies made. And then the brine? It was just silly that. It was just silly. Silly out of ten.

Silly out of ten. Finish the section. Great. I love that. Will we back with Jacob Hawley? Oh, mate. It's a big fuck you've got there. You off again? What are you doing? I just got fat fingers at the moment, mate.

I keep banging buttons. What's this? It's a blue slushy. I mean, life is good, mate. I'm part of the Haver Word podcast. I've got a blue slushy. fucking Jacob Hall is it I'm going to give myself a smooth for that

Is this sugar free or? No, it's sugar full. What's it got on the front? Is that a chicken? It's Dave's hot chicken. I've just been to a trendy chicken place. I've seen, is that not Drake's chicken place? Is it not part owned by Drake?

Is it? Is it a chicken? I think I'm correcting saying that. You're eating a paedophiles chicken is what you're doing. Is Drake an actual pick-in-law? He's a major minority investor. Thank you very much. I'm known my paedophiles as a pedo hunter enthusiast.

How'd you become a major minority guy? He's black. Ah, right. He's one of the richest black people on Earth. That is a major minority. He's the most famous mixed race man on the planet. That is a major minority. That's common knowledge that he's a bit of a pedo, right?

Yeah. One of the albums, a couple of albums ago, he was singing about Georgia Smith and like people worked out that at the time he'd have recorded the song he was like 34, she was 17. Georgia Smith? Yeah. This is a long time ago

this album, it's like 10 years ago. I mean it causes common knowledge because Kendrick told us via song. Kenny. Kenny? It sounds like he's from around your way. Please do this, Super Bowl, heart time.

I'm a Kenny. Amazing way to call it, Kenney. Scalcalfi, Kendrick Lamar. Once he's doing the... People are calling him Kenny, Mom. Oh, yeah, yeah. Kenny D. I thought it was the Millie Bobby Round stuff

with Drake that was the main, like, that's the... Well, I think this is the thing with paedophiles. They usually shag more than one kids. And, you know, he hasn't covered his tracks well enough over the years. It's sort of a flugate thing with most paedophiles, isn't it? Like, if they get away with one, they're like, do you know what?

There's a few more. Like, they really try not to do the first one. Yeah. And then once they've done one, they're like, do you know what? It's the big thing. I'm a big officianto for the Pido hunting videos. And it's always the thing of like, they always do the thing,

they corner them and they go, you know, you thought you were talking to a 14 year old, you'll hear outside of the Odeon or Morrison's car park, wherever they usually catch them, train station in Nunnington, right? And they go, you've been talking to a 14 year old.

And it's always like you've been talking to them for like eight months. And I always think to myself, I'm like, I've never chirps anyone for longer than three weeks. How the fuck have you chirps a kid for eight months. Do you know what I mean?

It's like, how are you, it's like, how are you that horny that you're eight months? How long is the longest you've chatted up a girl for without meeting her? Do you know what I mean? It's an incredible amount of time to keep talking. Yeah, but not like as a single man, yeah, you get to talk to someone and then after about a week two, if you're not meeting up with them, you know, you move on to the next option, but I just think, you know, a paedophile gets to the point where they're like,

do you know what, at least this kid's still talking to me. Pidos can't be choosers. Yeah. It's one of those things, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, I've stopped talking to a girl because I'm bored and there's other options. Yeah. When you try to fuck kids.

Yeah, you've got to take what you can get. You've got one on the line. Yeah, yeah. There isn't more plenty of, there isn't plenty more kids in the sea. I think Peter, yeah. Also, like, to be fair, kids are so busy. They've got school every day. Do you know, I haven't got time to be fucked.

Like, most girls you're chatting to, it's like, if you're not free on Thursday, surely we could do Friday. With kids, it's like, they've got GCSEs, man. There's so much on. Like, you've got to be... But do you watch any of those Pido Hunter videos? Yeah, there's a film coming out,

isn't that, with Robin Patton? And he's playing Chris Hansen. Yeah. And he's proper, like, nailed the guy's voice. It's like he's going... He's Oscar baiting as a Pido Hunter. Sorry, there's a Pido Hunter film coming out.

Were you talking about this? Do you know who Chris Hansen is? Yeah. Dateline. Did we? Yeah, we talked about this on Monday. Chris Hansen was to catch a predator on it? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So he proper set it up where obviously they were doing what these vigilante ones do. But it's like, we'll talk to this fella. We'll be like, hey, I'm 12 and I'm playing with me asshole. Like, whatever. You know, I'm paraphrasing. But like, that's pretty much what they say.

And then the fella's like, oh, can I come and watch? And he's like, yeah, come over. But with the Chris. Antomones, he actually got the predators to go to a house. A little girl would open the door and be like, yeah, come in. Like, have you brought me some buddies and that? Oh, yeah, and it was like a, it looked like... And then she'd go, anyway, I'm just going to go and brush my teeth.

And then he'd come to the door. And then he'd come in and go, hey, sit down, let's have a chat about you. Yeah, it looked like, it's just like a living room. I've seen the videos. It looks like where Mike and Victoria would film their podcast. Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's an upper mid-level British. podcast set it.

We hold the most. We do it. They love Shane Gillis as well. Yeah, we'll plug your dates at the end, but what are you doing it? The Bill Murray for your London date, nice. But you know what? I have less sympathy for those ones. Some of the British ones I have some sympathy,

A, because they're disabled, but B, because it's like, it's a decent sting half of the time. Those ones, it's like, what kid is inviting you around their, house. Do you know what I mean? Like if, if, how thick of a nonce do you have to be to think a kid, like a fucking 10 year old in some cases is like, my parents are out, want to hang out. Do you know what I mean? Like 10 year olds don't fucking invite you round. You get like you got to tempt them out. Even in Hansel and Gretel, they did the fucking breadcum spring. Do you know what I mean?

You have to tempt the kid out a bit. The British paedafel at least has a bit more get up and go about him. There's a laziness to the yank ones where I think fair fucks if you're getting done by Chris. It's an astute observation when the British ones are all like vigilante ones. It is normally just a disabled adult. Nearly every single time. And that's the reason why nearly every single time there is a small part of me that's on the paedophiles side.

Do you know what I mean? Not entirely, right? Like they're pedophiles, right? They're not innocent. I'm not inviting them around mine, right? My fucking daughter is, she's American. But the point is, The point is, the paedophile hunters are so weird,

and they've put so much time into meeting a nonce. And then the nonce gets there and has got something wrong with him that every now and then, I do find myself a little bit on the pedo side to the point where there was one, where the pedos sort of managed to wiggle out and escape, and they're chasing him down the road. And the pedo hunter tripped over like a sort of small hedge.

And I just caught myself watching it going, yes. Come on. Fucking 1-0, you can't. That one whose holiday got ruined. He was doing club night. No, he was not. The bald nuns.

No, he was not. The little bald one. The bald nuns. I got a heads me job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bill Mitchell. No, he was him. He was not.

He was. He was, he did, mate. I've, honestly, I've got videos of people, and I, because he grew up near me. He's near where I grew up in Hapshire. I've got videos of people who met him in prison, right? and like, obviously you can get phones in jail now and like got into his cell and we're like, come on, mate, do the quote from the video.

And they got him to say, for fuck sake, you're going to ruin me holiday. What is it? He says, he's like, thanks for like, ruin my holiday. Thanks for this, ruin my holiday. I'm going to lose my job. In jail, they're going, go on, do the line, mate.

Just do the line for us. That's surely the most famous pedo in the world. I mean, like, even as comedians, he's the most famous, like, non-de-fals, excuse me, no. He's like, he's independent, isn't he? Yeah.

He's, he's... Grassroots peter, man. He never got a record there. He's like the podcast sort of equivalent of pedos. He built his own thing through the internet. He's big off social media. I mean, I say this as a compliment. He's kind of to have a word of peter fires.

The first one that a lot of people copied... If TV aren't going to knock, I'm going to make myself known my own way. I'm obsessed with those pido hunter videos. I think the weirdest bit is that those fellas have pretended to be 13 years old for eight months. For months, for months. Like, that's a form of paedophilia, sure.

Exactly. And like, there is a small part of me that's like, I don't believe that you weren't enjoying this for any of those eight months. Do you know what I mean? You spent eight months sexting an nonce. I just don't believe that there wasn't an hour of it that you were like,

I'm enjoying myself. I just don't believe that they spent eight months being like, you're fucking disgusting, I'll fucking hate you. I can't wait to fucking punch you when you're outside the odion. I just don't believe there wasn't an hour where they were like,

I've actually got a semi about this. Do you think there's ever been a pido hunter that's gone too, too into the character? Yeah, the method. Like Daniel de Lewis. We've got to pull you out. No, I mean, I'm so close. It's gone unhealthy, Jeff.

You've got rolls on your fucking shoes. Like, I had a lecturer in America who got caught in a pedo sting and he was a professor and he got caught and they caught him at like midday who's going around to non-a-kid them midday?

Do you mean? When else do you nunts them? I think nonsense is a daytime thing in it. Yeah, but I mean... I just feel like that's... But Rob, you haven't got kids. You don't know, like kids got a bed at seven. You can't book an evening meal with him.

You can't... You can't get last orders with a kid. Yeah, it does feel like. a daytime thing. It's a lot of park dates. It's like lockdown. It's a lot of, you want to go

for a walk together stuff. Yeah, in a bubble. Yeah. Can we address the fact you call me Rob, by the way? What? Did you call him Rob?

Oh, fuck. Sorry. Dad was looking at me going. It's Robbo, isn't it? That's why I keep, that's what I keep, apologies. What made that more

interesting is I know how much Harry loves Jacob. So he was like, I'm not Rob. Was he your professor? Yeah, he was, I can't, he was, he was originally from Bangladesh. Oh. So like, yeah, he was, he was like, there we go.

No, it doesn't make it. He was a professor. We're all having fun there. Talking about some good, old-fashioned white paedophiles. This is it. He came to, to Oklahoma uni to be a professor. And the guns, he loved the guns. But then he's obviously stayed for the bobs and vagina.

Oh, I don't know. But we're just, it's so much more fun if everyone's white than our heads. If they're white and they look like me and they're adorable. Yeah. Yeah. We were skinny, Bangladesh with a gun. This is good old white male fun.

So have you seen the sting video of him getting done? No. But he got caught in a, it was a police sting. Oh, so it wasn't like YouTube. No, they led him on for like a year. He just got arrested for being an onset. It's not like, it's not like the stuff I was.

No, but it was still a sting that for the, But apparently it was about a year's worth of, whilst I was in lectures with him, he was probably on his phone, being like, oh. Yeah, my, my, my, my mate's dad, uh, is,

is a nonce and got done via one of the online sting things. That's great for the group chat though, isn't it? Oh, maybe the best day we've had. Yeah. Maybe the best day we've had.

In, in my problematically titled, Bags over Slags group chat, that would that was, I'll tell you what, when you're at the Edinburgh fringe and you're getting buzzes on that group chat and you're sat next to female producers,

you have to fucking be quick on the phone. I'm like your fucking lecture putting the phone or like that you'd draw a message from a child. Oh yeah,

next to some of those producers at Edinburgh. I'm like, no, don't worry, I'll just fuck kids. I'm not in a group chat with scaffolders. But yeah,

I'm going to say, it was genuinely a thing of like, one of our pals was, like, I don't want to say the guy's name. I'm trying to be careful. He was like,

basically, this fella, he's almost like a friend of a friend. But one of my close friends was like, yeah, this fella has just asked me if I'll go looking for his dad with him. It's a bit weird, in it? Maybe his dad's run away.

And then he went to meet the fella whose dad was a nonce. And the fella's obviously crying. And he's like, we need to go to the woods. And my mate was like, why? And he's like, I think my dad's going to top himself. Because they've got him in one of these non-sting videos. And I didn't realize, I mean, this is the thing. These guys are good content creators, these non-stingers.

They weren't just filming it to upload tomorrow. They were up, they were doing it live. So, like, as soon as they got to this guy's door, within minutes, like people know him. Yeah, yeah. They're always live streaming because then it's happening there, and then they're confronted with it, isn't it? Well, exactly, yeah.

And I think the reason they live stream it is because a lot of the time, they'll film it, and then by the time they can edit it and get it out, the police will go, don't fucking do that. You're going to get in the way of our investigation, blah, blah. But yeah, they were literally, like, running around the woods near where we grew up trying to find this guy's dad because they were like he's going to try and fucking hang himself

because this non-sting. What a wild thing to instantly be like I need to find my dad I think he's going to top himself. I don't want to do it on my own. I get one of the boys. You would want someone there for comfort and company though. Yeah, I mean it's kind of a shit thing on my mate that he told the group chat straightway.

But it's because he did, it's because the fella didn't say to him my dad's been done on a non-sting. I'm worried he's going to kill himself. Help me out. It's because he just said, would you help me, look for my dad. Yeah, but I think you're saying no after that first bit. You wouldn't help you,

I think if you get a text going, my dad's anonce, can you come and help me find him? I'm saying no. How old were he's when this is going on? You wouldn't help Rob? You wouldn't, if one of you,

like, if one of you messes each other saying, like, look, my dad's done this, I'm worried he's going to top himself. Can you help me check the woods for him? It's wasting him. We just lost my dad recently.

To be fair, Jacob. In the woods. Did you help him look? We made it into a Patreon special. Monetise it, baby. If Memo went to go live in the woods, I'd go look for him with you. If he was a paedophile?

Yeah. Nah. I think you're helping your mate do that, no? It's not your mate's fault. I feel like somehow you're implicated. I wouldn't want to find him. Yeah. If my dad got done in a non-sting video

and he'd be in nonsense, and I... You just immediately... You just immediately, I don't give a fuck, let him hang. Yeah. I don't know, I think you've got to make sure he goes to jail, haven't you? No, why? Well, because he might try and nonce someone on the way to hang on himself.

Yeah, Boris school, do it? Yeah, he's on the base. The Bradford family dad, he's been out as a paedophile. Have you tried? Go ape. I was it, like. I'm fucking out the varnish points he's going to have. He's going to find him. Find the brownies.

He's going to find the cubs fucking getting down. Yeah, no, I mean, it's over at that point, isn't he? I don't know. I mean, it would happen so quick. The other thing with... I think it's the one unforgivable... It's an unforgivable curse of Harry Potter. Like, in it, it's over?

If he's done it, like, if he's actually done it, I... If he's... I mean, the problem is the non-shunters do get it wrong a lot. Like, I saw one. It was fucking amazing. They got this lanky streak of shit. No, honestly, when I take this was, I wish I could find it now.

I don't know if it's been taken down. It's the best non-sting video I've ever seen. They've got this lanky fucking streak of piss up against the wall outside the fucking arcade or wherever he is. And they won't let him speak and they keep being like, you dirty fucking God, you don't. How dare you do this? How dare you? Why did you think it was okay to come here and meet a 15-year-old? And he keeps being like, I can't explain, please just let me explain.

They're like, you fucking cat, you dirty bastard. We were talking to you from over there. And eventually they go, why did you think it was all right to meet your 15-year-old year today? they let him speak and he goes, because I'm 15. They hadn't checked. They hadn't checked. It was just a kid meeting another kid.

I mean, if your dad tries to get away with it on that one, he's fucked. I am like 99% confident that my dad's not a paedophile. Because... It doesn't feel like it's high enough. Because I know, like, Look, if they approached, my dad is easily hooked with an online conversation. Like, he falls for every trap. And if he was announced, he'd have been contacted by now and he'd have fell for it.

Do you know what I mean? Then he got him. One time, this is about 10 years ago now. I reckon probably exactly 10 years ago. And I was the next girl friend of me, we were in my dad's house. We've gone to, like, have a cup of tea, see him for the day or whatever. And he went, by the way, you're going to have to check your email. you know, because, you know, you must get loads of emails that you're just fucking ignoring

because you just, like, think it's whatever. And I went, I don't know what you're talking about, Dad. And he goes, look, I'm just saying, go through your emails and all the ones you're having opened, they've got to read of them, because I had a thing come up on my phone the other day. It was this fella. He's from Nigeria or something. He's just died, and he found in his house he had, like, hundreds of millions of, like,

British pounds worth of money. And he's been trying to give it away for years, but no one would answer his emails. So just, you know, have a cheque. And I was just like, like, there was a good, like, 45 second silence, like a really long silence before I was like, you're the stupidest cunt on the face of this earth, you know? Because if he got that email,

he doesn't have access to his emails with dad because it'd just be fucking, he's found TEMU by the way. Right. That's, that's a parent, right, a passage of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they fucking love it. You've got to understand, my dad's not very well at the minute, right?

He's been in and out of hospital. He's got severe arthritis. he keeps getting like pneumonia and chest infections. He drinks a lot. Like he would tell you he's not an alcoholic, but he fucking, by most people's definition, he would be just not by his own.

He had a heart attack 13 years ago and regularly gets chest pain. He's probably got another one on the way. He's physically fucked to the point when he struggles to get upstairs so he just sleeps on his couch downstairs. And I walked into his house yesterday and he's a bit of a hoarder

at the best of times. And I walked in and there are just fucking loads of parcels with Chinese, on, like in the hallway. And I went, right, dad, right. So should we just get a skip and get this place emptied? And he went, I'm getting rid of the stuff I don't need. And I went, what's this then?

In this package right here, what is it? And he went, it's a stool. And I went, what do you need a stool for? Like, when do you ever need to sit down on something that doesn't have backs of all? Because I just don't know what you need it for. And he went, there's a method in me madness. and that was the end of his end. Is that where the 1% got lost?

I mean, to prefer, he's got all these money from the fucking Nigerian prince he's got to spend it on Summit. Might as well have a fucking stool and stool. Yeah, mental. Yeah, he's, there's no way he's in it. I'm sorry to hear about your father, Dan.

I'm sorry that I... Oh, yeah. No, it's all right. Yeah. He's all right. He's been affected... He drowned under a Timo delivery. It's not pretty bad.

They unloaded it all at once. You've been affecting British. politics, haven't you, Jacob? I was on the newsagents podcast yesterday, yeah. Why? It's a fucking great question. It's a fucking great question. So we recently pontificated that Andy Burnham might be a lid.

But apparently, he's subscribing to another patron. He's a rottie. Well, I don't know if he's a patron, but he follows our Twitter account. Yeah, he follows the screener Twitter account. And actually, so basically I was on that newsagents podcast, which is some fucking, I don't read no much about it. news thing, right? I don't know, I don't fucking read the news.

I don't know what they're on about. But it was basically, Burnham came out yesterday and he was like, we're going to do a big thing on the high streets, clean it all up, no more vape shops, you know, dodgy barbershops, whatever. He threw bookies in there as well, which felt harsh, but whatever.

And I actually, I got loads of messages because I complain about my high street all the fucking time. And I've gone to war and won with a few dodgy establishments on my high street. But we actually got messages from people. And won, as in they've been closed down. Oh, yeah. Really?

Yeah. What? Fucking, don't worry about that. I'll explain that to you. So, so I'll fucking, I'll fucking smash them, mate. So, but we genuinely got a thing where people who work for a council were like, look, we've actually used. Because I complain about all this high street shut stuff on our podcast all the time, right?

Because it genuinely fucking winds me up. And I think it is just that thing of like, you know, I've got three kids, live in London. It's fucking hard financially. you're walking up and down the road and you just see these shops with nothing in it, right? And, you know, they're caked in money. They're not, it's so clearly dodgy. You just get fucking annoyed by it.

And I think a lot of people who are sort of left wing don't talk about it because it feels like a racist thing. Do you know what I mean? Because all the lads are from overseas, it does feel hard being like the brown people are making the place look untidy. I made eye contact with a picture of Isham what I said. I didn't mean to do that.

He looks. I've got a problem of... He can sell me a strawberry mango vaif any day of the week. So, yeah, so we had people who were like, we've actually clipped up bits of your podcast and sent it to number 10, and we think that might have influenced Burnham to fucking do something.

It's just like, fuck. So, yeah, I went on that newsagents thing, but then, yeah, like I say, I've been on a campaign for years with our high street near me. So I live on this shit-old road in London called Holloway Road. And basically there was a thing about a year or so ago where, so my gym is next to a barbershop called Sinners, right?

Sinner is like a Syrian bloke. He's owned this barbershop for years. And then suddenly out of nowhere, another barbershop pops up next to Sinner. And that's fucking, that's High Street, Trees. You can't do that? No. Is that out of order? It's bang out of order, isn't it?

And then, so you're seeing this thing, you know, they stick the pole up so you know it's going to be a barbershop. Then they start developing it. and they call it the Peaky Blinders Barbers. That's what this new barbers shop is called. The Peaky Blinders Barbers. And they decorate it. It sort of looks like, it's obviously not legit,

but it looks like the TV show. Everyone in there is sort of hats and waistcoats. They look like cunts. And it's just horrible. And they're dangling all these, like, toy guns in the windows of the... And it's like... I live in an area where there is a lot of, like, youth going by There's kids who die from getting shot.

It's not great being like, do you want a 30 quid skin fade with a fucking gun in your face? Do you know what I mean? And I just got in my head. And I was like, so I'd always walk past Sinner. And as they're developing this place, I'd walk past Sinner. And I just kept thinking, I was like, this poor Syrian bloke. And I sort of, you know, in my head I sort of characterised him. I was like, probably a refugee.

Like, he's probably come over here with not much. Built his fucking business. And these peaky blind of cunts are mugging him off. So every time I walk past his shop, because he's in the, window, obviously, kind of air, I just started making an icon

of him. And then I'd start giving him, like, a little nod like that. And then I'd sort of give him like a little thumbs up as I'm going past.

You ever think about guns to get your hair, could they? Like that. Looks rubbish. No way. I've genuinely never thought about that. I'm genuinely,

I'm genuinely, you know, since I've been telling this story and since this happened over you ago, I was like, Do you know how I could have supported Cinner? I could have given him some fucking money. Look at his haircuts.

I was like, oh, God. Short back and side. It's not 2003, mate. Fuck off. But I was like nodding at him. I was like giving him the thumbs. And the thing is, in my head, I'm like, this is solidarity

because the peekie blinder barbers have turned up next door and they're probably going to fuck your business. I'd obviously never explained any of that to him. But he'd started doing it back. And he must have thought I was one of those sort of like wavy Dave guys who waves at cars.

Like he must have thought like there's something wrong with that guy. Only be people rather than Lufil. Yeah, yeah. And then, but then they open the Peky Blinder Barbers and they get busy and it does feel as though Sinners suffering. So I was like, I'm not fucking having this. So what I started doing was phoning the P...

I've got the Peky Blinders' number. I mean, first, I started my assault by just leaving him some shit reviews, right? And then they started commenting on the reviews being like, we reckon you work for sinner, blah, blah, I was like, fucking wish I did. but so the reviews went working so then i started phoning them i got the phone number i phoned them and i pretended to be lawyers working for sky atlantic saying we we own the copyright to peaky blinders

we think you're committing copyright infringement uh you've got three months and then i give it a couple of weeks i'd be like you got two and a half months and i kept doing this countdown i was like you need to email us and i just made up an email address i was like you need to email us you need to give reasons as to why you can trade under this name. We've checked company house, blah, blah, blah, we're coming for you, we're coming for you, and, you know, time's running out, we're going to come there, we've got lawyers, we've informed the local authorities, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Genuinely, they closed down. I fucked the peeky-blinder barbers. It was only after that happened, I realized that peeky blinders is on the BBC. It's not even watched it. I've never watched it. But I shut them down, and I did it for sinner. And now, genuinely,

I said that on my podcast, right? He's seen the clip, and I've met him down the local pub now, Sinner, and he's like, I need to buy you a drink, you save my business. But still no hair caught. Again, it looks shit. I'm not going to.

Where did you get your hair cost? Well, this is part of the reason why I kind of care about these things. My best mate is a barber, and about four, five years ago, I put some money in, and we opened barbershop together. Up here?

Yeah. So we got two. We got two in North London. Mike and Vittoria get a haircut there, like a few of the lads get their head to trims done in there. Yeah. Class. That's kind of why I care about it so much.

Actually a little passive income side hustle. Let me say now, it makes no fucking money. That's how you know. That's how you know the dodgy ones are doing some kind of money laundering thing. You cannot make money out of it. It's so hard. Like business rates, VAT. It's kind of the reason I'm going a bit Tory, to be honest with you.

Because I'm a bit like, I do realize how fucking hard it is. I'm joking, by the way. I'm not going to worry. I just felt the room changed that you can't say that in Liverpool nearly just opened up yeah I've walked in it with white socks on black shoes and I've said I'm a touring

and I'm like I'm gonna fucking die on the way I uh yeah I've got quite a few friends who like working hospitality and stuff and it's harder and harder to make money my dad yesterday when we were in a talking for a pint in the village near where he lives

and he was just like he's again he's not well so he's very aware of his own mortality and trying to pass on advice to his son. And like, with all due respect to me, dad, you know, he's worked all his life until he's not able to. But he's never, like, ran a business or being particularly creative or whatever. And he goes to me yesterday, he goes, by the way, just so you know, he went,

I think you need, like, a passive income, like a little side hustle. And I went, right, cool. Yeah, I went, I mean, you know, I'm doing all right, dad. Like, I'm going on another pretty big tour in a couple of months. You know, obviously I get a wage from the podcast. So I suppose I have got like a passive income because the podcast doesn't feel like, you know, like... Imagine saying at Adam Rowe,

you need something alongside stand-up that could support you finance. Of all the stand-ups in your country. Have you thought about something else that could pay any money? And he goes to me, look, I'm just saying, you know, there's loads of places. He went, look at what's going on around here. And he lives in West Arby in Liverpool. And when we first moved there when I was like 17,

in. There was three pubs and one like little cafe. And he's like, and now look at it. He goes, there's a couple of extra pubs now. And that place next door that used to be the flower shop, that's now a little bar that's like a cafe as well. And he went, I think you need to just find one of these units and just open like a cafe. And I went, right, why would I do that, Dad?

Like, it's very, very hard to make money from like cafe food. And he went, well, if it was hard to make money, no one would be doing it. And I went, that's just not the case. Some people, like, that's what they want to do. They want to be the woman who runs the cafe. And that cafe can support them making just a little bit more money than they would working in someone else's cafe.

So they get a little cafe and they make their grand a week or whatever. And he went, yeah, well, my mate Bobby years ago, he used to have a cafe, right? And he said that the woman he had running it, He used to drop the stuff off every Monday morning for the week, and she had all the stuff for a week to do all the foot. And he told me, he went, Mick, listen, the woman who's working for me is ripping me off. She's taking her own burgers in. So I'm giving her 16 burgers.

She's selling, she's telling me she's sold 14 of them. There's two left, but I know she's sold 30, and she's took 16 of her own burgers in. But it doesn't matter because I'm getting my 300 quid a week offer, and that's my little pension plan. And I was like, Dad, I'm sorry to tell you. this but like you're telling me to invest my money time and become a delivery man for a cafe for 300 quid a week it's not it's not as passive as you need it to do keep to passive income is you have to stay kind of out of it you need a passive income run a cafe have you got any

business ideas dan you got anything because i could i could see you adam doing some kind of like bar. I'd love to own a bar comedy club thing. Have you considered something like the hot water comedy club? I'd love, like, I would love a functioning bar that is the bar and that is the place and I drink at it and I would encourage other people to drink at. A place that I'd be proud to drink at that also does comedy as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the dream. I've had the exact same thought process as you. Yeah. But because I've had that exact same thing of, yeah, I could have a bar, and it's just the exact kind of bar that I like, and I could be in there, and my mates could be in there, and what a great way of running a business that is.

And now that I've done this thing with my mate with a barbershop, you realize there's a lot of meetings with accountants, it's a lot of time on fucking zero or quickbooks or whatever. It's a lot of shit we forgot about corporation tax, and actually what I want is just to go to the pub. The fantasy in my head is like, I'll just go to a nice pub that I really like. That's exactly what I like,

and my mates would be there. That's just what I do on Fridays anyway. That's not a job. Every business idea I have is like, that's just something you want to do and you would resent anyone else doing it with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I like cold plungers.

I like doing that on my own. I like going to the gym. Yeah. I don't want to talk to anyone. You don't want to be person. You'd be like, oh, come. He's talking to me. Do you want to be a personal trainer?

Not at all. I want to train myself and then fuck off. I wouldn't mind running a pub, though, in my spare time. The thing, like you, like, let's be, you do, you do Western stuff. You do line dancing shit. No, I ate all that.

No, I honestly ate all that. You wouldn't want to do a sort of country themed. No, I do, I nearly invested in a bar last year that would have had sort of a bit of Western inspiration to it, but there's a lot of these bars popping up and out where it's like,

Didas, honky tonk place. We've got a rodeo ball in the middle of the room, and it's just, what are you doing? Like, this sounds dead pretentious in itself, but I'd wanted to be, like, if I own a bar that was like Western inspired or inspired by Nashville, I'd wanted to be inspired by the bars

that I've been to be Nashville that I really love, that are authentic bars that people who live in Nashville drink at rather than the Staggin'Henbill Palace. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they're all just shit and gimmicky. There's some bad versions of it knocking about

that are like really chaney and plasticy. Yeah. I feel like the Irish bar, thing. Oh, man. The last five years. Fucking hell. Everyone's like,

oh, Irish bars are where it's at. And there's some new ones popped up where you're like, God, you've really done it badly. Oh my God. We got one near us. Where I live, we've got one.

Because where I live in North London, it's like, and I quite like this because my miss is Irish, my kids got Irish passports, my family are Irish. It's like, where we live in North London, there's loads of Irish there because it's where loads of,

like, you know, laddie worked in factories and construction came over in the 70s. So we've got loads of like proper Irish bars. Then there's, one that's open near us and it's like they've put design me an Irish pub into chat GPT. Yeah. Like I was one just up the road from us here and Jack Finnegan said something that'll stay with me for the rest of my life, which is it looks like the Irish bar that's in Alton Towers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Is this the one with the lighting? Yeah. Yeah. It's like due lock from chef. It looks like you, you know, when you go somewhere and they do like a, a, uh, uh, a, uh, a, uh, like a reinvention of like a Japanese supermarket and the floral move to show you what an earthquake's like.

It's that version of an Irish pub. We've got one near us. And I've just played my head in a couple of times. And I met the landlord in a different pub. And I, you know, you see an Irish pub opening up. You're like, oh, right, I wonder what part of Ireland they're going to be from. And I met the fellow was like, oh, all right,

you've opened my red cap again, haven't you? And when he was just like, yes, I have. It's all right, it's going to be shit. You know? It's like perfect posh English accent. And then I was just looking on like, like inside, I just poke my head in. They've got a picture.

And this is so clearly like chat, GBT or AI, would have just gone, give me some decorations that an Irish pub would have. They've got a picture of Guinness, but it doesn't have a toucan on it. It's got a parrot on it. So you've got the wrong bird. And then underneath it, it just says luck.

And it's like, it's like, they've got it from Timo. They've got it from Timo. Exactly. Yeah, it would have been Timi. It's like a Chinese person's idea. of what Irish people like. Black drink, a bird, fortune. Speaking of your Irish missus,

you've just got married, haven't you? I did. Thank you. Oh, congratulations. Yeah, man. Yeah, it's fucking... Does that get you the passport? No, it fucking doesn't.

I thought it would. Not the main reason I'm married there. Like, if it ever kicks off and she goes home, you'd be able to go with her. I know, but I want to get in the right cues at airports. Yeah, but you go with air? No, mate, they fucking, they separate us. They separate us.

They'll go, you can go in the Europe queue. They'll see my Navy passport and they go, no, you're fucking over there, mate. Like, honestly, I don't get to queue with her. It's annoying. I mean, to be fair, it's all right, because we've got loads of kids and she has to look after them in the Irish queue. You've got your headphones on in a nice long queue. Nice little podcast on and a chill out in the queue for a minute.

But, yeah, we got married last week. It was almost like we had two weddings because we did the small kind of registry office bit. 20 friends and family straight into a pub afterwards and then on the Sunday we did the big marquee my mate Jake who I do screen rock with actually like married us

I'll be honest I did the 20 person thing on the Friday that cost less than the grand it would have done it did I mean? Was the wedding big books yeah yeah

and did she push for that Was that her, was that what she wanted? You just get carried away. There's just so much shit. How long ago did you get married? Ten years, yeah. We just had our ten year wedding anniversary. We did it in the Nottingham Glee.

Did you really? Yeah, we had the party and the not, like, got it on a deal. Everyone just, it was incredibly well decorated. It was just a big party. We didn't let the budget get out of hand. Oh, really? Worked great. That does, me saying it was in the Nottingham Glee

doesn't sound, I wish I could. could show you how good the Nottingham Glee looked and how great it was that it was on two levels. And it just everything worked. How did you have both rooms at the Glee? Yeah, downstairs until we did like the food downstairs. We got married at like two. And we got there for, well, maybe three. And then got there for four, half four.

Everyone was down, a smaller group of about 90, 100 people downstairs, eating. And they'd been at the wedding. And then the night guests turned up and they opened up the upstairs, the bigger room. We had a live band DJ. It was incredible. Yeah. But it was all to a budget. I mean,

now that I think about the Nottingham Glee, God, that room is really set up much better for weddings than it was for comedy. Yeah. Do you regret doing the big... No, I don't regret it.

But there was... I've got a miserable mate who said to me the night before the big wedding, he was like, by the way, don't expect it to be the best day of your life. It's fucking stressful.

And at first, I was like, you miserable bastard. Like, it's the night before my wedding. I want to enjoy myself tomorrow. Halfway through, I was like, he's fucking back on. Like, this is too... Why is it? Like, this is the thing. Like, I think maybe like, I don't know,

three or four years from now, I'll be going through all this. Right, hopefully. Going through it. See, see, but he's inherited the language if you go through it. He didn't say in three or four years I'm going to be enjoying this kind of thing.

But I, like, this is my attitude towards everything, which drives down mad and also makes him sort of, happy that he's going to get to witness it happen eventually. I think kids sound easy and everyone's being dramatic about that. So what is stressful about your wedding day? I don't get, like, I understand in the build-up to it,

haven't to, like, get all your vendors and make sure that everything's agreed and people are getting there. On the day, surely it's just fucking neck your beard, have a pint and then dance a bit. What was happening? What went wrong? Met my groomsman at the barbershop that me and my mate owned together to get ready.

A photographer turned up. One of my mates kept trying to fuck the photographer. couldn't get them to stand together for a picture because they kept going to buy cigarettes or vapes or meet a dealer. My son was there, as were my mates, two boys. We got the sort of nice big cab to the venue. My son pissed himself in the cab and on my leg

on the way to the venue. We got married in a great big park in southwest London. We had to use golf caddies to get in and out the park. That sounds sick. It's great, but my son's pissed himself. and he won't get on the golf caddy in wet trousers. So then it's like a battle to get a wet boy on a caddy to get him into where we need to be.

Everyone keeps asking me where my missus is. She basically the people who run the golf caddies to get around the park, one of them called in sick. They've only got one caddy. That meant she was 40 minutes late getting up the aisle because she couldn't get her, her eight bridesmaids, the six flower girls and the three page boys up to the top of the aisle from the edge of the park

quick enough to walk down the aisle. What's a page boy? Fuck knows. I don't know. There was no pages. They're just anxious kids who can't stop pissing themselves. It's the male equivalent

of like a flower girl. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, just little kids who want to be involved, basically. They used to hold the rings. They used to be the ring bearers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then everyone decided that having a three-year-old

with jewelry is probably not a great idea. Yeah, fuck trusting my son with a 900-quid fucking wedding band. I can't trust him with his bladder. So then I'm stood at the top of the top of the, the aisle in front of 130 people. It's 28 degrees roasting hot. I'm like, where is she? Where is she?

Please turn up. We've sat them so that it's like family at the front. So her pasty old Irish family are sat banging the sunshine, cooking in the sun, while I'm being like, I'm really sorry. I hope you're all okay. Please get her up the aisle. Get around the corner. The photographer will not stop fucking trying to make you travel somewhere else for

pictures. You've got hundreds. 20 people there. You've spent tens of thousands of pounds buying them cocktails and drinks. You want to chat with your mates. You've got a photographer being like, would you like to have a photograph

with her cousins? Not really. I've never fucking met them before. I wasn't delighted about buying them dinner. I don't want to take a fucking picture with them. Do you want to have a picture taken with the guy who's robbed you? Not really.

And then the best bit was the speeches, right? So my best mate was doing the speech, the geezer that I run the business with. He's not a public speaker. He's an anxious man. he didn't know what to do to sort of calm himself with his speech he was thinking about it all day

he got some Xanax to start with didn't help so then he tried some Valium still didn't help then he got chatting to one of the lads and he was like do you want some gear so then he started doing coke

but the problem was he'd done two things to bring him down and now he's come back up again so now he's just back in the middle where he started so then he started asking Alana's family. Like having a red bull on a chocolate milkshake.

Yeah, exactly. He's shat himself. And then he managed to get some beta blockers off someone. That brought him really down. Then he felt like he was going to fall asleep. So then he had to do even more coke to get himself back up again. So I sort of found him sort of half an hour before he was doing his speech. He was just sort of stood there.

Like couldn't really move his eyes. His hands were just sort of doing that. Do you know what he looks a bit? He looks to be like David Blunkett. You know, sort of just like. staring in a I'm just getting a guide dog stick a Labrador next to him

people would have helped him do the speech David Blunkett used to do that with his hands I think he was just sort of busy with his hands Is that why blind people When he was doing his Tommy Coopin and Panhe He was looking for Braille, Harry is what he's trying to do He's an avid reader That's what he was doing that all the time

He did the Yeah I remember him up the ballot box Did he have braille? Yeah he was a fidgetter, wasn't he? Like something has just occurred to him. Poor kind of had ADHD as well as the eyes. But so he was shitting himself about the speech. My dad was shitting himself about the speech

because my dad had throat cancer a couple years ago. So they had to take some of his vocal cords out. So he speaks in a whisper like this. But then my dad did this like beautiful fucking very male speech. I had Jeff Norcott at the wedding. And you know Jeff's like the sort of bloke whisperer. Yeah. And he was like, your dad's speech about you was the most male speech I've ever heard.

He was like, because it sounded like a sort of like 12-month review at work. And when he said that, I was like, yeah, you're right, actually. He basically picked like three core skills of mine, gave two examples of each skill. And at the end of it gave like his conclusion of, and that's why he's a good son to me. Like an essay structure. He was generally, he's like, he makes good decisions. He looks after the people around it.

him and he's got a close but clever circle with him. And it's like they were his three points. And then my missus his dad stepped up, right? No, I don't, I don't get on with my missus his dad. Oh, wow. Not, I don't want to say I don't get on with him. Actually, I can because he definitely won't listen. But he's like, older Irish fella spends a lot of time on his own.

He lives on a boat at the moment in the middle of the ocean. Oh, Jesus. The ocean? Do you know where the Azores is? The what? The Azores. Yeah, so it's like, it's technically Portuguese territory. You know what I'm talking about.

Very small island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The Madeira? Further. Further. Mate, it's fucking banging. And I'm telling you now, this boat, it's literally me to rob. Like, it's that small, right? And so, and I mean, there is a part of me.

You know, we were talking about the non-st stuff earlier? Because I keep thinking, I'm like, why is he on this boat? And I'm like, to be fair, is that a non-sting where he just has? hasn't stopped running. Peter Files live on boats as well. Canals, more paedophiles live on canal boats than like... It's because it's international waters.

There's no age of consent. Exactly. He's trying to get to the Bermuda Triangle to find those planes full of kids that went missing. Is there anything to like about paedophiles? They're trying to announce kids and they're not paying council tax.

And Rosie and Jim. They're going to open vapes shop next to the fucking dirty buckets. So I don't, Like, he's a weird guy. He's very, like, philosophical. Like, and you can't, he won't do small talk. It's always fucking intense. He's very into music.

And I just, I knew he was going to fuck his speech. I knew he was going to be a bit of a cunt in his speech. I know he wouldn't say anything nice about me. I knew that he wouldn't. And he didn't plan the speech. And he sort of, he sort of made a thing of like, I'm not going to, you know, ride anything down. I'm just going to try and wing it.

Right. It's like, fuck off, mate. It's your daughter's wedding. Like just say something nice. But at least have an outline of where we're going with it. The funny thing is, like, he tried to pretend he did. He pulled out this, like, scrap of paper that had, like, four words on it. The first word was hello.

Don't forget that. Yeah, yeah. And honestly, the last one was goodbye. He'd made two fucking notes to come. And, yeah, so he, he, basically, I wanted to win at speeches. Do you know what I mean? I wanted mine and my dad's speech to be to be the best speeches.

Adam's just related to that so much. Yeah, we're competitive beings. You know, you know, you're like, especially with your father-in-law, there's a bit of you where you want to be like, sit down, granddad, I'm the fucking daddy now. Clip it! Maybe we're on a boat, you can control starboardable or whatever, right?

We're still be on a microphone now. I'm the fucking daddy. I'm the captain I'm the captain I went full Somalian I'm the fucking captain now granddad my captain

Tom to my far friend Lord so so basically he starts doing this speech he hasn't fucking written anything and Horatio and Mike were there now and we love him about this it's like what was great

is we were in a marquee yeah imagine that's the speaker right you're holding the microphone you know what's going to go wrong. There we fucking go. He keeps standing in front of the speaker and getting absolutely ass-fucked by the feedback. Right. He hasn't written this speech. And then, because he stood at the back

of the marquee, it's a bit of a wind tunnel. So it's like, he'd be like, so my daughter, what could I say about my daughter? You know, ever since she was a little girl, then the wind will kick in, and I'm still there watching being like, and my missus keeps looking at me like that being like, save him. and I'm like, no, no, let Daddy drown. Let the boy learn. When I was doing five minutes at open mics, no one fucking told me out of the microphone. Let the fucking boy learn.

He hasn't even moved the mic stand out of wake. Honestly, I was thinking out. Honestly, I was like, that's it. And honestly, it was like halfway through. He tried to get it out, and it was making handling noise on the mic. I was like, you poor cun. And I kept looking at all the comedians in the room, just like,

oh no, of course, man. Should have done a course. And honestly, from then on, great wedding. Like, I relaxed after that.

Once, once I'd fucked my father-in-law, relaxed. Well, that's as good as time as any for a break. Congratulations. And we're back.

Straight to have a word. We're going to do some other words, because fucking Jake and podcast, mate. But, turned up what? Are you got an int to plug?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, are you plugging are you? Is that all right? Do you mind? Dan doesn't respect people who plug. No, I feel like I've really, I've come in here. I've made rude comments about Dan's father who passed recently.

No, you genuinely did not. Don't worry about it. And also, it's fine. If you had a bit more context, that I can't even bother going into. It's sound. Crucially, wasn't a paedophile. Didn't have to find him hanging from a tree in the woods. Didn't sail himself into the Atlantic to escape the allegations.

It's no problem. Pretty much what I said at the funeral. What have you got coming up? So I'm on tour. My tour is called Fighting Age Man. It's going all around... Yeah. It's going all around the United Kingdom from October onwards.

Extra dates in Edinburgh, Manchester and London. And then there'll be some extra ones in the New Year in Ireland and places like that. So yeah, please come see me on tour. And please listen to the Screen Rock podcast, which I do with my mate. Jake, which is basically this vibe, but for about four minutes of an episode, we might talk about the internet and then get back to talk about paedophiles

for the rest of it. Class. And I know you're not going to... I haven't seen the tour show. You're a brilliant stand-up. I enjoy your standard, but you're not going to judge a book by its cover

or a tour show by its poster. But that's the coolest tour poster I've seen in fucking ages. Oh, thanks, mate. You've smashed that. Thank you. I really appreciate that. Yeah, if people haven't seen it,

I'm wearing a bright orange coat, I'm wearing those stupid fucking pink paedophile glasses and yeah fighting age man I don't know how heavily I want to lean into the fighting age man thing as part of the

tour promo there's my mate who I do some videos and stuff with has been like so I am going to Kent with my kids next week he was like could we film you on a dingy with a delivery bag on your back and you get off the dinghy and pull out a tour poster could we do that? You should do that. I think I might do

it. You should absolutely do that. Yeah, but yeah, so yeah, please do you come see me on tour. It's shaping it up really nicely. You've got a have a word for us. There's someone I want you to have a word with on my behalf. Let's do it. I need you to have a word with my wife.

No problem. Little cuckold thing over here. Put the ball cage on. Do you have words one eye for me? Yeah, so basically I've mentioned my father-in-law a few times. straight after the wedding, we left our two oldest kids with my father-in-law and my mother-in-law and went off on our honeymoon for a week. Part of what's difficult about my father-in-law, as I say, he's a very sort of intense,

philosophical man, not easy to have a conversation with. A lot of what he'll do a lot of the time, if you just sat with him, right, and you just want to talk about the fucking weather or whatever. He'll hear a noise, right? It could be doorbell, car horn. Boop! he'll go, what note did you think that was? Oh.

Because he used to teach Violet. So you go, beg your pardon? And he goes, I think that was a B flat. And you'll go, yeah, probably. It'll go, no, what note do you think? He'll make you guess and then tell you you're wrong. I don't know fucking notes. First time I said, Jay, didn't realize it only goes to chicken.

I'll just go my initial one. He forces you to pick a note. It makes you guess. You think it's a C major. This is why I was so enjoying watching him get cunted by the feedback while his speech went to shit. Right. No, start, like.

So before we go, look, we have one day after the wedding, bit of a hangover, I'm back home. I mean, I'm hanging out my ass because, like, we were like last men standing on the dance floor. I mean, my miss is, you know, two in the morning. Really, yeah. Yeah, man. That's good.

What's great is the, because I, youngest is like five months old, but, you know, like, babies that age, they, you don't have to put them down. I've got videos with me at half one in the morning. She's got little earmuffs on to stop the noise. And I'm like, on middle of the dance floor with the baby at fucking half one wedding night, right?

Who's told you that that kid shouldn't be put down? Sorry. The sleep patterns are all over the shop, it doesn't matter. Yeah, it's a fuck. Yeah, you're not settled into a normal sleep pattern. She'd had a little nose as well. She was sleeping. Like, I'm a new parent, my kid.

Won't sleep through the nights. It's like, well, cool. Take them disco and then. Yeah, that's what I did. Winetta was born. I was at a gig and then drove back and I'd get in at one in the morning. We go the club. It's great.

I still saw my mate and I was being a good dad. Do you know what? Jen, you joke. We went on honeymoon to Miorka. Magaloof was up the road from where we were staying. I said to my missus, could we go? Went with a fucking baby. Sat there with a pram and a baby with headphones on.

Sorry, hang on. Whoa. I missed this bit. You took the baby on honeymoon? Yeah, five months old, what else you're going to do? She still breastfeeding. She's still breastfeeding.

What the fuck are we going to do? Ah, took her to make a little, you know. A week's worth of breath. Just one more time. Stock the fridge off if you know what I mean. My missus is like an earth mama hippie. She wouldn't have it. So it's like, and I did say,

so third one was like an accidental baby that we found out last year and you're not supposed to do this. But when we were deciding him whether we would keep it or not. I did say to my missis, would you leave the baby at home so we can go on honeymoon

even though she'd be like six months old? And she did say yes. I think you should have, yeah? She lied. Yeah. I love the fact that she's a bit earth mummy and a bit hippie, but you took her to Magaluff.

Yeah, exactly. With a baby as part of the... If you're not going to let me put her down, you're going to make me bring her on the honeymoon, then she's coming clubbing. Yeah. Sorry, when I say put her down, I mean put her to bed.

I don't mean fucking killed. I just heard. I was like, Jesus Christ, I mean part of big. Oh, that back legs have gone. Anyway, so we get back from a wedding, we're hanging out of our arses and, you know, the kids,

you have to deal with the older kids just before we go on honeymoon and her fucking dad is there and he's doing all the noise shit. And we got a wash on and the washing machine 's on a spin cycle going loud. And he's like, ooh, what node is that? I'm like, I don't fucking know your granddad, fuck off. Right. And he's like, I think it's

G. I don't like G. I'm like, Right, okay. And it's like, oh, my fucking God. Basically, right, leave him with the kids. I mean, fucking annoying those cunts. My six-year-old's like, can you get this fucking bloke away from me? Leave him with the kids. Come back from the honeymoon.

We touch down, get into the house at like half-eleven midnight, right, knackard from flying. He's still awake. You know, all right, how's going, Pat? Thanks for looking off of the kids. We're going to go to bed. I go upstairs. My missus goes in the kitchen. She's like, I need to tell you something.

And I'm like, what? She's like, he's replaced the washing machine. I was like, pardon? She's like, he's bought us a new washing machine. That's nice. Is it because it was in G? It's because it was in G. He's a fucking psycho.

When autism meets budget, that is a... It's a dangerous mix. Yeah, but that's a nice wedding present. You marry me daughter. You can't be out of the machine. Man, do you know what a fucking nice wedding present would have been? Money. Do you know a nice wedding present would have been

if he'd fucking put his hand in his pocket and paid for some of the wedding? Instead, I get a washing machine that I don't fucking want. It's silent. My old washing machine is just in the garden. Just in the middle of the fucking garden. Nice.

Mate, you know, anytime you buy a washing machine for an extra 50 quid, they take the old one, don't they? Everyone fucking knows that. He skimped on that. So I've just got a fucking washing machine in the middle of my garden.

And so I'm saying, into my misses, I'm like, what the fuck, why has you done that? Also, we rent. So it's like, the landlord's going to be like, what the fuck? Why have you done that? I can't take a washing machine with me when we move. Why? Because where we go, we'll have a fucking washing machine. Also, I don't

give a shit if my washing machine's in G. I'm not, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think this is going to backfire on you, bro. Right, listen, so... It's not, by the way. So you're renting. The washing machine's in G, which I understand being, you know, if you don't like a note, you don't like a note. Do you know what I mean? So E's... Can I just say G's a good note.

G's the first... I found out, I googled it, G's the first chord on Sweet Child of Mine. It's a fucking good note. It's a real... You play. It's a nice note. It's a happy note, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. I need to hear a G. There was a G. What? G... I can't just do it. I've not got perfect pitch here. G...

G... I think that is it. Oh my God. If I pulled G out of my eyes... I think he did. I think he did. G... G...

I think... that is G. I'm 99% sure that he's G. Do as an E, but say G. One minute, let's just get a G. That's the same note. Wait, let's get, let's get G. I know, I did the opposite. I don't know what it is. G, no, P. He's got one note.

I think you have done, Jay. We'll get copyrighted. Sing. G. No, he's just tough. Hang on, I think I can do it. Ding. Ding.

It's a mad podcast. That's a love it. If your father-in-law was listening at any point, he has definitely turned it off now. It's one way to guarantee that he never listened. Fuck that. It's so out of order. Why?

You don't. It's such an encroachment as your status. Thank you. You are the man. As a man. He has to have some self-awareness that, yeah, he's the dad of you, and you've married his daughter,

and he has got to just take some step back there. and not, like, encroach and replacing a whole washing machine. But the washing machine's not yours, is it? It's in the house that I pay to rent. No, but the other one, the other one, the landlord owns it? Yeah, but I chose the house. I chose the house with that. I chose to provide for my family in that way by having that washing machine,

and I didn't think it was a problem that the washing machine was playing sweet child of mine, right? And he's come over me and decided that that isn't good, enough for his daughter and his grandchildren, and he has made a financial decision to change the way I am providing for my family. Dan's bang on. He's cut my dick off.

He's cock-holded me by changing my fucking washing machine. It's wrong, and he should put it back. If your mother-in-law got you a new fridge, would you be this angry? Oh, frigid mother-in-law. You didn't get me late once on holiday. Oh, it would be a fridge-freezer, I can assure you. Women's different, but,

You know what any normal person would do? Ask. Any normal person would go... Was it not like... It's a nice surprise. For you, Jacob, I've got your new washing machine. Didn't say a word. Didn't say a word. Just didn't say a word. Did he hum a note, though?

The washing machine was working fine, though? It's fine. It's absolutely fucking fine. It's tuned. It's tuned. It can do the solo for Sweet Child of Mine as well. It's like slash. It's your new one's silent now, then? It's silent, yeah.

Is it not one of those, like, Samsung ones that play a little Didley? No, no, no, no, it's such a weird encroachment. It's, and it's a power thing. It's a power thing, isn't it? You're fucking wellie and his daughter? How much more power do you need, I'm with this man?

Oh, yeah. So as soon as you're banging someone's door, they can come and change the colour of your front door. I swear that was blue-offrey. If you're changing the colour of their back door, he can change the colour of your front door. That's the fucking real. No, I, I, do you, so you don't think that,

You think I should be grateful. You're on my missus' side. You wouldn't have a word of my missus on my behalf for that. You think that's fair dues on granddad. I just don't know why you're asked. I don't know why you've asked. There's a fucking washing machine in my garden. Yeah,

but like you need that there for when you move out because then you can put it back on the landlord car. I don't want it just in the fucking garden. I don't know, build a shed round it. I don't need a fucking washing machine. Is it in the front or a back garden? The back? Why are you asked?

Because it's tight. The garden's tiny. I didn't need a washing machine. He needs a fucking diagnosis is what he needs. But why? It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't affect your life. It does.

In what way? He's got a washing machine in his back garden. And... Plug it in and now you've got two. And if you leave the flat, you're going to have to take this new one with you. Exactly. So, like, literally unplug it, unfucking...

What's his... Wire it? Plum it. Unplum it. Nice. And then just put that one back. It's a nightmare. Is that great? That's gone rustling it.

It's that great? Yeah, exactly, exactly. And also, it's small garden. I've got three kids. They want to play in the garden. They're climbing over a fucking washing machine now. I'm telling you right now, when I was a kid,

if we'd had a washing machine in the back garden that I could climb on and do like moves off. Here we go. Here we go. I fucking dreamed of having a washing machine. My child good, mate. My child good. You had a fucking washing machine in your back.

You fucking sorry. Village, North London kids with a washing machine. Oh, you lift. Is that a Samsung washing machine? It's in G. What's going on? What's that?

Do you know, really helpfully, my phone, when you're set an alarm, you know, and you go, I need this alarm. It goes, you probably almost definitely need this exactly this time next week. Who has an alarm on at 248? What's that for? I needed to book an MOT.

That's a lot. It's like such a lie. It's literally what the alarm's called. I need a two, book and M-O-T. I've got to get off the testosterone, mate. What? I like the story. So this is the fellow that lives on the boat.

Yeah. Why don't you, has he got a washing machine? Of course not. He lives on a boat. Ship him the washing machine. Spend the money. To his boat. To his boat.

To the boat. Yeah. it on the fucking boat. When's he going back? It's a great question. Stop, stop the boats. Fight you, this is it. Stop my fucking father-in-law's boat.

Send them back. Start the boats. Get him on it. Start the French deal with this. Me and Farage on the fucking coast, shooting my father-in-law down. You're trying to stop one boat. One specific boat.

No brown people on it. One very pale old Irish man. Me and Farage together on the fucking coast. Fucking tone, that you can't. With a washing machine. Avoiding all the hairdressers. Yeah. Come in and sell vapes all you like, boys.

If you try and change my fucking washing machine, I'll gun you down. Struggling, Dan. I guess, I guess you could make this work. I guess you could make this work for yourself in the, if your fridge is in B flat, next time he's round, just leave it open. So it beeps, and then it'll get you a new fridge. But he doesn't mind B flat?

Yeah, you like, I, The fridge would have to be in G for that to work. Is it just G? It's, it's, it's, it's, Yes, G doesn't like. According to him, genuinely, he said, G is the sound of electricity. It's like, well, you know, it's a washing machine, mate.

What do you know, it's not analog? We don't do it of our hands. Is he got the tism? It sounds like you got a tism. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's riddled with it. Riddled with it. Do you know anyone's dad who hasn't got a bit, is it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a generation of undiagnosed, wandering around, ordering from Timmu. I think men get more autistic as to get older as well. Oh, my God. Yeah. So my mates at the wedding, they noticed my dad, Because the problem is where he's had his throat thing,

he can't speak very loudly. And so one of my oldest mates was like, I've noticed your dad's, well, he didn't say it, but he said afterwards, he was like, I noticed your dad was sort of on his own and not talking to anyone. So I went over. And I was like, oh, what did you talk to him about?

And he was like, I know what to do with your dad. He basically took my dad somewhere quiet and just listed off Pink Floyd albums with him. For an autistic dad, it's like stroking their little brains. The division bell, the division bell. It doesn't matter what it. There is a tism.

in there. You've just got to find it. Which roads did you take to get it? Now, look, I've got kids. I can't wait to find out what mine's going to be. I reckon it's naming old Arsenal players. Someone will take me at a wedding in 30 years' time. They'll put me in a corner and go,

Oleglushny. And I'll start feeling it. Jacob, come here. Alexander Kleb. Two separate friends of mine recently have told me exactly how close the nearest pub is to the flat they live in. Like two separate men have told me

exact same piece of information. When Jack Finnegan moved into his flat, he put in the WhatsApp group with me and Alfie, and it was like a minute and 13 seconds from his bedroom door to the front door of the pub right by his house. And Will Huchby is the other one? No, to like hold Alex that you don't know.

Because Will's done the same thing to me. You wouldn't know him and go son of the school. But he's dead hard. That's what I hear. Well, a similar one, bit of winging about families. Caroline says, need you to have a word with my fellow because he cannot say no to his family.

Sin it with all sorts over the last few years, lives to the airport at 5am, borrowing lawn mowers that take ages to be returned, but right now I'm suffering the worst of it. It's the summer holidays, our two small kids are at home with us, all of the six weeks, and my husband has agreed to dog and cat watch for both his sister and his parents.

So we've now got a full house and a fucking menagerie of animals who aren't ours. And the best bit, his sister dropped the dog off with four cans of dog food when she's away for two weeks. It's a pistake. Have a word with them.

And him, big fucking pushover. Isn't menagerie a fancy word for vagina? That's min jargery. No, but like a menagerie twas. There's two cocks, one pussy, in it? Not necessarily. Two pussies, one cock.

I mean, I mean, it's just a three. A menager twas. Yeah, a menager. It's just three people. Fucking. Is it? It's how old it is. I think three...

I thought that was... A minge with two in it. Did you think Manage was French for Minge? Also, twas three. And, uh, twas. I thought that was two. Okay, that's... See, that's the mistake you met you.

You're not speaking French, you're doing a Japanese accent. Can you speak French, Adam? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One are... Tua. Manajatua. Just translate. literally to household a three

or threesome, one of the two. Yeah. Can we get a... Menagerie? That's just like lots of animals, isn't it? Yeah, it is, yeah. All loads of vaginas, I don't know. She's got a menagerie here.

That's a dirty bitch. You're a cat owner, aren't you, Jacob? Yeah, you are. Yeah, I've got some fucking horrible old Bengal thing. It's a fucking nightmare. A what? A Bengal cat, Bengali cat. I don't know.

Anti-Bangladesh. Do you know what? I'm quite proud. I'm quite pro-bangladesh with her because basically we had a thing last summer where she got so horny that we had to breed her. Yeah, I remember you told us you last time, yeah. So I was genuinely keen to keep it Bangladesh.

I'm real stickler for racial purity, my kids. Keep it bangra, bangra, bangra. No one's paying good money for ginger cats, do you know what I mean? People want purebreds. I mean, I'm lucky with this. This will never happen to me because we can't, like, Laura is allergic to,

cats, but I suppose we could look after a dog. You can look after Remme for me when I go to New York if you want, I'm only there for eight days. Seems like a long amount of days. And I really love that dog, but that's because I'm the fun uncle. You know how you were dead fun yesterday?

Yeah, I'll take your kids for the week, and you could take Remmy for a week. To New York? No, I'm not taking them with me. Right. I mean, when I get back and you need them looking after, I'll do that. I'm in New York for eight days.

It's the 6th to the 14th of September. You can have Remy. Stop so Alex having to take time off work. There you go. Oh, so Alex isn't going. No. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, give you a break as well, love.

You need a break. Dan can have them Rottweiler. And you know it says a lot about me that my kids are nine years old and five years old and the biggest chance they've got of going to New York in their childhood is with Uncle Abbotton because I'm not fucking paying for them to go to New York.

Not a fucking chance, mate. A white magnum is one thing. You don't get to go to fucking New York as a five-year-old. Why? No, because you just don't need to.

But they won't appreciate it. A five-year-old won't appreciate New York. Why? What do you, Adam, what do you like, you're taking to get a really big sandwich? I don't know.

I'm not a fucking co-op and double-up. Two meal deals, one on top of the other. A second sandwich is his sandwich. We're in New York. He wouldn't know. He'd be like, are we in New York, yeah?

We're in saltony. He'd be like, oh, yeah. You can't lie to kids, man. You can, honestly, I wrote a thing last year where we had a big show and I didn't realize I booked it before my son's birthday I just lied to him and moved his birthday

Yeah I've always thought that I wanted to go for beers after the show He doesn't know the fucking date He's three He doesn't he hasn't got a calendar I was just like you know Oh your birthday, it's on Monday sonny

He's like okay Your wife got along with that Of course She's so sound Of course oh yeah You think she didn't want to do cocaine After a show at the Empire as well We had a fucking time of our lives.

This Saturday, I've got tickets to see Lewis Capaldi. And my cousin was like, it's the baby's second birthday. So we're having a barbecue. Can you come? And I was like, could you just do that on like Sunday afternoon? And she was like, no. Like, that's not his birthday. I said, yeah, but he doesn't know that because he's got no concept of it.

And she's like, oh, I was like, I could tell him anything at that age. Anyway, I'm going to go and have a sausage buddy. And then I'm going to just miss the support and go and see Lewis Capaldi anyway. Yeah. But it means loyal Karner though He's quite good What? It's loyal Karner, he's really good

I don't know who that is Okay He's good Luke Kepaldi's having a good time And he's just turning up Other people's gigs Being fucking brilliant What's you been doing

Just singing Olivia Dean songs At Sam Fender Consents That was at his gig What? He got Sam Fender out Yeah Oh sorry

It's Sam Fender Sam Fender that's just Wondering round Yeah Fucking cool Anyway That's a pod That is a pod

That is a pod Jacob, thank you so much for coming in. Thanks for having me. And once again, smashed it. Real pleasure. Love coming in here. Love seeing you boys. Go and check out Screen Rock.

Go and watch Jacob on tour. Go and see me. Go and see me. Go and see me. Go and I'll be there because this is pre-recorded. Come and see me. Dan and Friends is on sale now. Dan Nightingale.com for the tickets that are remaining.

I'm going all over the UK from October through to the end of November and myself. and I've just added a pop-up show in Leeds on the 23rd of August. It's at the Glee. It's nearly sold out. I'm not coming to Leeds on tour, so I've added this in lieu of that. This will be the second. Third Leeds Glee we've done in the build-up to the tour.

I'm just going to do about an hour of stuff. Good. I didn't feel like the end of that sentence. Right. Brilliant episode. No music. No gigs? Yeah, gig.

Twenty first. Sorry. Yeah, but I'll properly announce you next week. 21st November though. All right. Love you guys. Appreciate you. Bye, Felicia.