Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #4 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: January 30, 2020

Set against the backdrop of Dan having a dicky tummy (bless) its Epsiode #4 of the Have A Word Podcast. Tell a friend, tell your Da... do something. Spread the good word. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is Have A Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. Oh, Gigi. What's happening? How are you? Good. I've sorted out the soundboard. So what? What have we got? I've got the applause that was always had for every time Freddie Quinn gets mentioned. Who the fuck is that guy? Who the fuck is that guy?

Yeah, we should absolutely use that. i go to say like a story about someone that the audience won't know you play that who the fuck is that guy do you know that's one of my everyone's favorite mma clips but when it's just jeremy stevens like you know exactly who i am yeah nah so you've got nah. You've got the name of a bloke that might have gone to school with your fucking brother. You know, Jeremy Stevens. Who the fuck is that guy? What else have we got? For when we're being gross.

Disgusting! Disgusting! It's fucking one of yours! I love that clip, you know. That's still getting a lot of traction in our house. And my near three-year-old can do an impression of it. And it's quite a good Glasgowish accent. For a fucking little...

We've said... For a banging this child. Disgusting. She's like, disgusting. Disgusting. I don't know where this came from, but it's from Big Mouth. And I just heard it and it made me laugh. And then I'm like, I don't know when this came from but it's from Big Mouth and I just heard it and it made me laugh

and then I'm like I don't know when this would come up in podcast conversation you haven't jerked off in nearly 36 hours that's unprecedented we're never going to use that one but there'll be one episode where we just hit a lull I am dying

you're going to have to save that though you're going to have to resist the urge and use that for when it all goes peter. That is going to really take some building up to. And also, the final bit of faffing, because I said to you about the heavy word lady that's giving me the, she's giving me the fear. Yeah.

But I think she's done a really good job on the intro. Yeah. I was just like, should we try something else? Are we definitely sticking with the East African lady that we found on that Fiverr app? It should be worth mentioning, though, that we were just trying to do our bit for diversity there. We are two straight white men,

and we thought, what is the opposite of that? An East African woman. And that's why we hired... And we did hire this woman and and pay her could that sound that didn't sound right did it and you said that we did hire this woman and pay her i'm a feminist i hire prostitutes all the time sex workers done oh shut up so so i went on fiverr and i i got someone else to do some of the intro i haven't heard this this is important for people to know.

I haven't got a fucking clue what's about to be played here. Well, he, yeah, okay. Follow us at Have A Word Pod. Check out our videos on YouTube. The best new podcast in the game. It's Have A Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. The new way to tell your mates what's up. I'm into it, you know.

I do, right. The only thing is, it sounds a bit tinny, doesn't it? Follow us at Have A Word Pod. Check out our video. Sounds like he's doing it on his own fucking Nokia. Follow us at Have A Word Pod.

Check out our videos on YouTube. Anyway, well, it's to be decided. So did you, is that you or did you get someone to do that? Did you think that was me? Let me try and do it. Followers that have

were part. I'm doing it way more camp than it. Followers that have were part. Oh my God. Doing accents is easy if you do them camp.

Oh my God. It really is. I just find it loads easier, you know. Anyway, Adam, how the hell have you been? I'm sound. What have you been up to, mate?

Been in London for best part of a week. Did a little run through for a new telly show that I'll probably never get made, but it was fun. And did some gigs. Did the Top Secret Comedy Club for my money in the top bracket, that, of comedy clubs in the UK and the world, to be honest. it's just dead, dead good. Yeah.

And up the creek as well. Up the creek. Have you done up the creek? Yeah, I've done it. Yeah. I don't do it loads. I've not really done it, but this was my first full weekend there. And I tell you what, that Friday, like both, both nights ago, but that Friday night lineup,

I reckon it was, would have been hard to beat anywhere else in the UK. So Finn Taylor was comparing. I love Finn Taylor. He's so fucking funny. And as soon as he's had, like, half a lager, he just adds this, like, edge to his act as well. He's already got an edge anyway, hasn't he? Yeah, but, like, the one little tiny bit of filter he's got just disappears.

But stole the show Friday night was Carey Marks, man. I haven't seen Carey for a while, and I forget how good. You know when people talk about comics in the UK, and it's just like who you're raising, and you'd put in your soft part. You forget Carey. Carey, man. His routine about, he's got this routine

about on a plane when they say this is a no smoking flight and then he's like we know it's an airplane and then he lists

a load of rules that also clearly apply like that this is no shitting amounts flight this is no for young children flight I love the list he does I love the list he does

he floored me Friday night I had a very good weekend down in London what does he say about coming on his girlfriend's tits that's the strong start by the way he says that's why she wears a cross because of all the fallen soldiers

that have died there he didn't do that Friday That's why she wears a cross? Because of all the fallen soldiers that have died there. He didn't do that Friday. Fucking hell. Mate, if you're capable of thinking of that, I think you're alright. You're alright. He's just got such a perfect comic brain. And every time he'll watch it,

and a lot of comics will give you tags and go, I've got a line to add on to that. And nine times out of ten, you're just like that i can't use that that's like you're giving yourself you're telling me what you would do with that joke rather than what i can do with it it's a trick the adding tags thing is tricky because you don't want to seem presumptuous but at the same time it is nice when a comic sees an angle like yeah all all joking aside freddie quinn gave me one of the best tag-ons to a bit ever who the fuck is that guy yeah you won't have heard of him he is uh he's an up-and-coming uh up-and-coming promoter comedian and um

what he lacks in you know gigs he makes up for him watching netflix specials so he really knows the industry we're gonna have to get him on at some point you know to answer when he's every accusation yeah when he can add to the listenership and not take away from it um he he gave me a great tag on but every time someone starts one you're like you know you could do with that a bit you're like oh yeah yeah thanks guy that i don't think can sort his own set out when you're like what what about your set motherfucker it's weird though because like i only do it for mates like good mates when i'll go hey i've thought of something yeah and it is a thing and like paul sm Smith has given me some,

and Danny Mac have given me some of the best tags because they'll just see a little thing. And also there's been a couple of, like, acts who aren't that good or, like, are new who've gone, oh, have you thought of this? And I've got, like, it's made me think of something else, and it can help. But a lot of the time someone will go, do you know what you should do with this? And're like yeah cool thanks for that and in the back of my head i'm

like i will never ever ever say that out loud because you're writing in your own voice for my joke which doesn't make sense at all one one that paul smith gave me which uh really sort of annoyed me because it it took a what was a solid really good bit and made it so much better. Like it was virtually his bit. Yeah. It like, it took like a bit that was, was a consistent eight and added a 10 of a punchline on the end.

And it, it works a lot better than the Northwest than anywhere else. But you know, the routine I do about me lazy eye and the fact that there's a thigh muscle in my eyelid now to sort of help balance it out. If you haven't seen the joke, it's on YouTube. Go and check it out. But he added the tag at the end of it. I was the only kid at school who could do heads and volleys

at the same time. Just a murderous. That's really clever. It's so funny, isn't it? It's almost like he's good at stand-up, that guy. And the way he presents it to me, he's like, by the way, do you know at the end of your lazy eye bit, do you say you were the only kid who could do heads and volleys at the same time or

have i made that up and i went you've made it up and now i say oh my god that guy dreams punchlines yeah yeah when when people do it you always worry that you're gonna be like ah you've it's you've got to be gracious haven't you and just be like oh thanks yeah oh yeah man yeah but yeah it's a tricky one also when are they giving you the tag on because when you're doing a new material night i think that's really helpful if comics go is that a new bit well let me i just saw the new bit you've probably they've you've run through it a few times it might be the first time you've ever done it i like that people might go have you ever thought about adding that

to it or maybe taking it that way but when you've been doing the bit a year and someone's like have you ever thought of like no i've just thought that bit fucking kills i do at the end of my set because it's the best bit just fuck off trying to clutter up my bit fuck off when when it's a new bit i'm like you're helping it's literally like telling a grandad to be like, do you want to go skateboarding? There's a little fire to Mr Nightingale today. It's because you've had the shits for a week. I've got to mention that because what I'm hoping for is that that emodium you've had wears off

and we have to pause this so you can go for the shit. And I don't want it to be a shit heavy episode because it was the Disgusting! It was the first 20 minutes of last week. But there's every chance today that you're going to need to go for Daddy, Daddy, I need a poop. I think me...

It will make my life, and make this the most popular podcast of all time, if you have to go and shit on the landing at some point. If that... Really, in episode three, taking the mickey out of my daughter for tweeting on the landing at some point if that i really in episode three taking the mickey out of my daughter for uh for tweeting on the landing really has backfired she shot on the landing we all had a good laugh about it the video of it went viral we had a great time didn't we oh yeah loads

loads of people watching that laughing and then the poo gods paid me back by giving me the dickiest tummy all week i was driving to my gigs with a spare pair of knickers and some wet wipes in the car. There's nothing less rock and roll. What are you getting for tonight, bitches? Cocaine. Now I've got a spare pair of underpants. I've got underpants, not boxers.

I need it contained. And wet wipes, full packet, non-fragrance. Yeah. Huggies, look at you doing all right, mate. We're at fucking Aldi for our wipes. They're always on offer in us, they're the Huggies. And yeah, I've just felt, Dickie, I don't know if that's making me, I don't feel angry, but if I do poo my pants on this podcast,

it's going to be either the best or the worst episode ever. It'll be the best and i love bro it on my soul yeah um where have you been the weekend uh i was just local local in manchester it's been really nice we've had my uh brother-in-law and uh my sister-in-law up with their dog which i'm just not used to just not used to having a dog in the house. Boss in there. Oh, it's great. It's great when you own the carpets. That's great. This is what we were talking about before,

about when you buy compared to when you rent. You're like, hey! When it's not your house. And as soon as you're out, you're like, that dog, by the way, is amazing. You never love a dog more. But you know that thing of kennels outside? All of a sudden, I was like, I can see that now. i can see the old that's where rex should live out there are you a dog person would you

be surrounded by like well i've got a dog haven't i and we will we'll defo get more down the years yeah we'll have at least one more um you really are talking about like kids we're just gonna leave a bit of a gap between the dogs do you know what i mean because i don't think you want two puppies you know yeah well that's yeah is that it yeah all right cool it's exactly what you say yeah she is like the baby of the house yeah she stays in our bed with us oh you're not into that she's been licking her a-hole she doesn't lick her own bum hole dogs I did it. She doesn't lick her own bum hole. Dogs lick their bum.

I did it for her. Have you ever thought of adding up shit? She's a... Yeah, we've got a dog called Minnie. She's great. She's ready. Mate, Archie, my brother-in-law's dog. You couldn't love it more. Amazing.

I've just... We've just bought the house and i've not tuned into having a dog in a house i've bought owned before um i love dogs i do like them i'm not buying one i've got a kid i don't need more ball lake right uh but there was a point when when he got there we've just had the living room decorated and i don't know archie seems lovely but i wouldn't say if there was like a an election he'd be president of dogs because we were all sat around in the living room and he saw shadows on the wall and then was stood in front of a wall looking at the shadows and then started trying to lick the shadows on the wall so he's licking he was licking the wall yeah i don't know if i've ever seen a dog do that but all i could see was dog saliva on my wall i was like this is this is this is a stressful this is a stressful paint that actually could you imagine how much of a bell you have to be with a little roller behind the dog could you get your dog to stop licking the

fucking world see i i never realized because i had a dog briefly when we were a kid we had a dog for about six to nine months, and then we had to give it away because there wasn't anyone at home to look after it. My mum was at work and we were always at school, so it wasn't really fair. I didn't realise how much you could love a dog. When we got the dog, we had a baby gate put in on the stairs so that the dog couldn't come upstairs, because I was strict on it. I was like, Jade, the dog's got gotta know where she's allowed and where she isn't

she will never fucking sleep in this bed i think it's disgusting when people have their pets sleep in the bed they've been walking around they've got dog shit on their feet and like and obviously they don't they tend to avoid it anyway but i was like it's just not happening it's just like you'll change your mind and i was like i honestly will never fucking change my mind on this and i love this dog so much more than I love anyone, including Jade and me dad and me brother, that she literally one night, I left the baby gates open, she got on the bed, and I went, Minnie, downstairs.

And she was looking at me like, but I don't want to go downstairs. This is really comfortable, and I'm here with you and mummy, and wouldn't it be really nice if I stayed? And Jade was like, just let her. She's up here now. You can't throw her downstairs in the dark i was like right this is the one time and then yeah she moved in she lives in the bedroom now yeah is that it she broke the seal she's there all day god you you crack easy don't you just one dog like can i stay on the duvet you need to see this dog's face she's no i don't i know i do love dogs and there was a there was a

couple of points uh where because uh my niece is like three etta's nearly three and archie was and they were just playing and like etta was like had an arm around archie and you can see the dog was thinking fuck my life i'm surrounded by toddlers but etta was like so entertained by it i'm like i get it it is amazing but I just can't detach from the practicality of like give me a fucking break I've got I've got one whirlwind I've got literally one tornado going in a door I don't need a fucking another with a dog because that's basically that's two storms and that's then just a natural disaster. He's licking fucking walls. It was amazing.

Dogs licking walls, asses shitting on the landing. It's a fucking nightmare. I swear to God, if Laura divorced me, it would just be me in a really clean box like... Podcast recording equipment like, leave me the fuck alone.

Tonight, I've told you this story before but i feel like this is uh you you'll remember bits of it i i feel like this is a story the audience is gonna know so tonight i'm uh i'm doing a favor for a mate so there's a lad you you know tony carroll don't you from when i started comedy starts the same time as me so, how long did he do it? Who the fuck is that guy? People will know Tony Carroll who listens to this podcast. Oh, by the way, before you get going, I feel like I am about 30% more Scouse since we've started doing this podcast.

My Twitter has become more Scouse. I'm more invested. When Liverpool drew with Shrews scouse I'm like I'm almost I'm more invested when Liverpool drew with Shrewsbury I was like ah it's frustrating isn't it for the squad I'm like oh my god I'm not a Liverpool supporter

what's going on I'm just getting drawn in to Liverpool that's my goal now you've got to be a full on like when we retain the Champions League in May you're coming to the fucking parade

oh god I was in Chester when you won the Champions League I've got a lot of mates in Chester when you won the Champions League. I've got a lot of mates in Chester that are Liverpool fans and that was something else. They've got a flat in Chester above Ian Rush's flat.

Really random. Apparently Ian Rush has got a flat in Chester. We're watching the game and I've never watched a game with people before where I was gradually more and more convinced that they thought they could actually shout loud enough that the players would hear them through the television like i've never like fucking a reiki getting absolutely yelled at through a telly like guys

i know it's the champions league final but please let's just watch it are you a tv shouter yeah like jade will go upstairs and put music on so loud that she can't hear me when i'm watching the match she will hide the dog because the dog gets scared because i'm i can't help it every every football match is like bonfire night gotta look after the dog yeah yeah put the dog in kennels it honestly like yeah i i can't control myself at all so i'm fully on their side rather than yours yeah

no it's fine we went out into Chester you don't realise how red Chester is but it's it's like a little

well Chester's Liverpool and Man United isn't it it's like Ireland in that way there's a lot of Man U fans here and there's a lot of

Liverpool fans and there's not really anything else no I bet there's more Liverpool fans though because there's an actual Liverpool football club shop

on the high street so I think it is definitely but I feel like I'm just getting drawn in just because obviously the following that

you've got especially on Twitter it's very like it's amazing there's so many scouts all of a sudden my timeline's like

so much more scouts and also Twitter so a lot of my Twitter following is footy fans because i tweet a lot about footy yes you do so she's why i'm getting more involved in it yeah yeah so like a lot of the people who are on my twitter who are seeing the videos and the tweets about the podcast are liverpool fan accounts and they'll be following you and the podcast as well

um but yeah another liverpool fan tony carroll who he started with us and he did it on and off for like four or five six years or something he did it on and off for like four, five, six years or something. He did it for a while, and every now and then he'll just come back, and he'll do like three or four gigs and go, can't be arsed, I'm going again. Tony's one of the funniest people I've ever met, even to this day. I've worked with some of the best comedians in the world, and I don't think any of them on a personal, like offstage,

hanging out basis makes me laugh quite as much as Tony Carroll does. I think, and this seems like massive hyperbole, I think if Tony stuck with it and actually put the effort in, I think he could have been like a white Scouse Patrice. Like he had that energy of I don't give a fuck and he seemed so non-threatening because he's such a big lovable guy that he could say the most horrendous shit and get away with it but um he's asked me tonight to go and uh to go and host his he's now a nightclub manager in liftbill he

runs one of the biggest clubs in liftbill and he's called inkbar so if you're ever in liftbill go to inkbar or he also runs a bar called 54 as well which is actually below where the original Hot Water Comedy Club on Seal Street is he runs both of them

they're both boss both have a boss night and whenever I go out to a nice house I'll always pop in and he just sorts out drinks he's like don't worry about it we'll give you these for nothing

we saw him as we as Watford lost the FA Cup final we went back round back towards Hot Water and he was there like on the door it was like an outdoor

party wasn't it because it was the middle of summer yeah oh yeah he runs a club night called Groove as well as well as running

those two clubs he's also got his own independent production thing called Groove which is like a 70s themed club night oh good good good because I thought

there was a load of teenagers who'd lost the fucking plot fashion wise I was like you know sometimes I'm not that old I'm 38

but I was clocking some of these girls I was like I know they're young and I'm 20 years older than them I get that but I was like

the fuck is she wearing like leopard skin flares on back are they I'm honestly didn't know it was a 70s night I thought it was just like I thought I wasn't cool and it was a 70s night I thought it was just like

I thought I wasn't cool and all of a sudden we're listening to Gary Glitter and like Bell Bottoms I'm like has that come back? what the fuck happened to techno? it did come back

just for one night right so yeah every now and then he'll just like hire a different bar and run that in it for like a full day party thing and it's dead good

I've been to a couple of them so check them out and he messaged me last week i was like lads don't suppose you're free next tuesday i need like someone to come and co-host our works do awards you know like a corporate sort of thing and he was like what money do you want for and i was like you've sorted me enough drinks down here so i'll do it for nothing i'm gonna go and do it um so that's tonight's tuesday night when we're recording this. So I'll tell you by the time it goes out. But I thought this was as good a time as any to share the story of Tony Carroll and Luke Montague

and his granddad Strauss. Do you remember this story? I do, yeah. So one night at the Hot Water Comedy Club back when in its envy days of the nightclub we all went out

for a drink afterwards including me Paul Smith Paul Blair who owns the comedy club Tony Carroll and Luke Montague who'd been on the bill

and we all get very very drunk and Luke Montague at one point goes fucked up you know I've been asked to do a private gig for the first time

actually it's a few hundred quid and back then if we got 50 quid for the gig that was the best gig we've ever had like yeah i'm getting a few hundred and but they've asked me to wear a suit and i haven't got a suit and i can't afford to buy one because spending so much money on train fares and stuff traveling for gigs i just haven't got the money and tony carroll hammered goes lads you're about the same size as my granddad i'll lend you me grandad's suit. Whose head even works like that? I don't know.

Like the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator, like, I need your clothes, your boots, and your slippers. Who weighs anyone up by their grandad? God, you're fucking insane. Honestly. So, obviously, Tony said that at like three o'clock in the morning, hammered, right,

the next day, I wake up, and my phone's ringing, it's Tony Callen, and he goes, lad, I briefly sort of remember this,

like vaguely, but, I've had a message from Luke Monti this morning, he's asking me when he can come and pick my

grandad's suit up, I want to know what the fuck's going on, and I, like it just, like it came back to me, like a, like know what the fuck's going on and I like it just like it came back to me like a

like a like a flashback and I went oh lad he told you he's got a private gig coming up and he needed a suit

and you said you'd lend him your grandad's because he's he's roughly the same size as him he's like oh fucking hell it's like you're gonna have to do it now

you can't let him down you know he's probably banking on this loan of a suit. Tony lends him the suit, and Luke goes to do the gig. And a few weeks later, we're all at the gig again, and Tony's like, lad, Luke, I need me granddad's suit back. And Luke's like, I'll bring it next week, lad.

Sorry, just keep forgetting to bring it. So the week after, he turns up with just a jacket and gives it to Tony. Tony goes, what the fuck, lad? Where's the pants? Where's my grandad's pants? Does grandad know that he's lost his suit at this point? I think.

Is grandad alive? As far as I'm aware, the reason Tony asked for it back, because it was a couple of months down the line, I think, and it was a ridiculous amount of time to have passed to not return this suit, this £500 suit. So I think the reason he asked for it back

is he had a christen or something to go to. This Grandad suit's getting a lot of use. No, but his Grandad had a christen to go to go to so he's like i need the suit back for my granddad because so i think his granddad did no luke gives him just a jacket and tony's like where's the pants right and luke straight face just fuck goes i've lost them right so me me and paul smith are there and we're watching this happen this conversation and we're now crying laughing you know and he's like like that like scooby-zoo level laughing where you just can't breathe from watching it and tony's like what the fuck do you mean you're like

look uh i stayed in a few hotels uh where they've used the suits we've used it more than once and i think i've i think i've left these uh left these pants in lads when i've checked out so tony doesn't really know how to handle it he's just like for fuck's sake what am i gonna like how would you it's a suit you can't just go and buy another pair of pants that are gonna match it right i mean you should be trying to if you lose someone the thing is if you're in that situation and you've borrowed someone's granddad's suit you're not in a financial position to buy someone's granddad a new suit, are you? Because if you could afford to buy a suit, you wouldn't be lending off an acquaintance's granddad. So obviously, once the troughs are lost, you're never going to be like,

well, really, we need an equal value pair of like, you're going to have to pay. It's never going to be like well really we need an equal value pair of like you're gonna have to pay it's never going to happen is it no but your initial reaction is he needs to pay for some fucking pants yeah so tony's literally those two head spaces you described they're happening live to tony in the moment not on a podcast eight years later but tony's like well i fucking need my granddad's pants back but i can't ask him to pay because he obviously hasn't got the fucking money to pay for it. What am I fucking going to do? You can see me and Paul

just losing it, laughing at this. So he just accepts it and he's like, when's it going to be? I'm going to fucking prick him into my grandad's shoes. He hasn't even brought

the pants back. Anyway, that'd stop you being mates long term as well, wouldn't it? A hundred percent. That really is going to hang over. You're not going to lend him

your nana's 90 after that. Do you know what, lad? They're sleeping. They're about the to lend them your nana's nightie after that do you know what lad for sleeping you're about the same size as my nana oh about three or four

weeks later it's a Sunday night again Tony Carroll's not there but I'm at MV for the Hot Water

Comedy Club Paul Smith's there again to host and Luke Montague walks in wearing Tony Carroll's granddad's pants.

Oh, God. So, me and Paul are like, are they? He hasn't. Because as far as he was aware, Tony might have been there. Do you know what I mean? And he's just walking in, praising his fucking pants. So me and Paul on the sly took a little photo

and sent them to Tony. I was like, lad, you come on to use the air. And he's got his granddad's pants on. Tony fucking lost it. Like he's ringing us going, tell that fucking cunt

to stay in that fucking club. Keep him there. I am. Keep himunt to stay in that fucking club keep him there I am keep him there you're a good fella keep him there I'm on my way you fuck

you mother and then the irony is when they killed him you fucking mother you mother fucking fucking mother that's exactly how he talks

it'd just be Joe Pesci you fucking mother mother shit got a flat Tony's like keep him fucking there I'm on my way keep him there I'm coming to get got flat Tony's like keep him fucking there

I'm on my way keep him there I'm coming to get me grandad's pants and then you're Ray Liotta like oh hey oh

these guys oh did you have to keep him there I love that Ray Liotta impression oh mama galutz

you sound you sound more like Andrew Dice Clay Oh Oh He's got your Grandad's pen son Oh

Little Bo Fucking Poop Oh So Tony's like Keep that cunt there And we tried But Luke just did a set

And fucked off So Tony turns up And he's like Def all me grandad's pants yeah Def all me grandad's pants Like You got the photo We sent you the photo He's like Like like, death owe me grandad's pants, yeah, death owe me grandad's pants, you got the photo, he's like, who

robs someone's grandad's pants, me and Paul, never been laughing like this in our lives, even the week before when he lost them, so Tony a week later comes down, and Luke's on again, right, or a couple of weeks later, and he turns up and goes, you've got my fucking

grandad's pants, which about 40 customers heard, by the way, and he turns up and goes, you've got my fucking granddad's pants, which about 40 customers heard, by the way. And out of context, might be the most brilliant confrontation starter ever. You've got my fucking granddad's pants. That's not one you're going to be like, oh, I'm bored of hearing that as a starter of a conversation. You've got my fucking granddad's pants. What the fuck are you doing?

You've robbed my granddad's pants. What an accusation. You've robbed me grandad's pants what the fuck are you doing you've robbed me you've robbed my grandad's pants you've what an accusation you've robbed me grandad's pants what was Montague like Luke said I found them

oh I dislike him it's so bad innit erm and I'll be honest yeah the story has sort of peaked but I do

I should say a couple of weeks later he never got them back though he never got them back because a few weeks later Tony was like when are you next on here and Luke was like

three weeks Tony goes fucking bring me granddad's pants he's so like assaid of it fucking bring me granddad's pants

I swear to god those pants better be here next time you're here or I'm coming back to yours with you that night and I'll get them me fucking self

and Luke's like alright alright alright a few weeks later Luke turns up gives me and Paul a bag and says there's tony carroll's pants see you later i'm getting off when tony turns up we give it to them they weren't his pants he'd been to asda and bought a pair of back to school 40 inch waist black pants to go with a gray pinstripe suit what's going gone on there? What, something's happened though, like it's like

I can't, I just have he, has he damaged them in some way and then gone, oh I can still wear them but I can't give them back because you just, initially you think he's done something disgusting with them and then he's like, I'm too embarrassed to give them back so he's made up the lie. You

never believe that he's lost them. But then the fact that he turned up later wearing them, that's the chavviest bit of it, isn't it? I don't know. Or he's just mentally ill. I think he just really liked the pants. He liked the pants so much that he stopped doing stand-up comedy. But after that, he blocked and deleted all of us off Facebook.

And he never came back to stand-up. No. He's now doing amateur dramatics. Stealing other people's relatives' pants. Imagine if it's like a fetish thing

and he's just got a wardrobe with like tags on. These are Tony Carroll's granddad's pants. Oh God. These are Ray Quinn's nanny slippers. Imagine if he just,

it's almost like he doesn't know charity shops exist. He'd just walk into like a British Heart Foundation and be like, oh my God, it's everybody's granddad's pants. I forgot about this story until last year when Tony messaged me and said,

hey, I've just been on my Facebook memories there and I can't remember what this was about, but I've got a Facebook status that says, if anyone knows or sees Luke Montague, tell them I'm going to fucking kill them. Do you remember what this is about? And I was like, lad, he robbed your grandpa's pants. That's really not what Facebook memories are meant for, is it?

Facebook memories is a grass. Awful. Facebook memories should be called things you might want to delete do you not think with all this incredible algorithm that facebook have got which they clearly have because they're like you know taking your data and making sure exactly exactly who knows to mark it to you do you not think if a memory says uh remind me to murder someone facebook like eight years later isn't like yeah i'll probably throw this one back up there seems like a important memory just let that one

just lie in the internet it's a beautiful day can't believe it was just such a stunning day yeah bring that one about time hop do you buy do you buy all that facebook um data stuff Do you buy all that Facebook data stuff? You know, all the, you've got to be careful with your data and accepting cookies and everything. Yes, and I'll tell you why this is relevant right now, actually. So on the way to London last week, I got a very, very early train. And when you do that, you don't like with loads of business people who have got early meetings in London.

I had to be in London for like half eight in the morning so i was on like the 5am train or whatever it was and i'm sat opposite this fella in a suit and now he's got his laptop out and halfway through the journey he goes to me uh is your name adam you adam row and i went yeah we've been to you a few times like blah blah blah and i was like oh cool so i got into a conversation with this fella. I was like, so what do you do, mate? And he said, I work in AI. Yeah.

I said, okay, cool. I said, who for? He said, at the minute, like, I am a freelancer, but I've currently got a big contract with Sky. And my job is to make people stay on on board like when they ring to cancel the contract um it's our it's our job and i went but you need ai for that he said yeah well basically we've got like data points on pretty much every person on the planet like thousands of data points he said so let's say you're with sky and it comes through to our board. And he said, it takes our system about 27 seconds to suss out who's on the phone.

So it comes through and we go, right, that's Adam Rowe. What have we got here? Right. He's a Liverpool fan. He's a comedian. He's done this. He's done that. He's been on this telly show.

So, right, now that means we should put him through to Phil because Phil on call centre block number 28 of 10,000 his same age he's the same age

he's a Liverpool fan he loves his comedy so we've got a system that makes you go to someone who is most like you who can relate to you and keep you

as part of Sky's customers. I'm just going to pause the tape and we'll come back to it. I really like the sound of that. That's like internet dating for customer service. That's brilliant. That means I don't get, you know, the grumpy dude from a different part of the world. Is it not terrifying to you though?

I think that's tremendous. That's like, listen listen we are selling you something you are a customer we are going to help make this sale by giving you someone who's going to be good at making the sale but i don't find that suspicious at all i've got through some call centers where i am clearly talking to like a 63 year old woman from dundee who is so close to retirement we she doesn't like me instantly and maybe and it feels like we're at the difference she's like well i don't know what you're gonna do about that the system is with open reach we can't do anything about you're like oh for sake i would love a bellend from from near preston who's like hi mate how you doing i'll be like all right i don't mind

that i've been matched with someone that so start the tape again but that's fine don't find that suspicious do you not do you think it's weird that someone knows so much about you that out of their entire staff database they can go right we and you're trying to leave you're trying to go i don't want this anymore and they're they're using the information they've got on you to stop you doing that to stop you doing what you've called to do you can still leave though it's not they're not you're not they're not putting you through to like a fucking i just think it's a bit fucking creepy me if they were like ah this guy this dan nightingale he's not matched with a 63 year old grumpy bitch from dundee he's matched with like a hypnotist so we'll put him through to him and he's like

that I'd find weird but if they're just putting you through to someone who you're going to be able to communicate better at the end of the day if you're so soft in the head that you're like I tell you what I did ring to cancel because we are we're going into debt but that last lad that I talked to me and him honestly we shot the shit

I'll stay do you know what I'll sign up for another two years, and I'll go ultra-fast broadband. You're a fucking idiot. Yeah, look, I'm not saying, like, the application of it is not clever and good and, like, isn't going to just get idiots. I just think the fact that they've got enough data

on every single person in the world to go, oh! They've got, like, a file. Darren will do. He'll keep, yeah, yeah. To go, oh! They've got like a file. Darren will do. He'll keep, yeah, yeah. But then, I mean, you can't be amazed at all the things your phone can do and then be surprised that massive multinationals

have got big files and storage online. Every time you click a preference, every time you watch something, like something, all the times you click on something on social media, it goes, oh, you're sort of this person. And they're not getting a very, they're getting like, they're just putting you into types. And I suppose as technology advances,

the types will narrow down so they're even more specific. But again, they're not using that to murder my family. They're using it to be like, do you want to stay with Sky? Because, you know, you're into the NFL, so we can add to your sports package. I'd be like, oh yeah, that's helpful. That's when people are like, you've really got to watch what you agree to and your data is being collected I'm like I don't do anything illegal or nefarious I literally buy shit on Amazon and masturbate a lot if you can

improve either of those services fucking let's go it's fine because how does that make my life more difficult I've learned we're doing a bit about this, but I never just made it funny enough. That's essentially like going into a shop and going, I'm looking for like a shirt and a guy going, all right, cool. Well, do you want to look at all these other shirts rather than a customer service person coming going,

oh, do you want a shirt? Would you want to try some flapjack? Be like, no, I just came in for a shirt. What about a pogo stick? Isn't it creepy if you walk into a shop and go i'm after the shirt and they go well we know that your favorite color is red isn't that a bit noncy yeah it's about six months later when you go into a different shop in a different part of the country someone comes and goes hello dan still looking for that shirt

and you're just like oh god yeah all right yeah i still don't mind it though because it's not because that's where the analogy stops working in it because once i actually walked into a shop and some fucking weirdo went hello you want to try tony carroll's granddad pants on i suppose on a low level it's like when i go to Chippy and they know I want salt and pepper chicken. Fat lads have been dealing with this for years. Oh, have you been collecting my data? No, fat boy, we just know you like loads of chips. Where's she from?

That's my Skelmersdale accent. Hello, I'm from Skelmersdale. Yeah. Hello, fat boy. Could you imagine if the chippy woman was like, hello, fat boy. My chippy does know me by name. Yeah?

Yeah, I go to a chippy all the time, right by ours called Kate Ams. I mean, they don't. She's like, all right, Adam, salt and pepper chicken, half chips, half fried rice and a pot of curry, babe. Yeah. Jade having anything. She want a fish cake.

Okay, cool. They don't call you Adam when you leave though. When you leave, they go, oh, the pension fund just left. But I get the exact same thing all the time. They've got a chalkboard

with your name on it. Like, let's keep all the data. What accent is this, Nani? Shut up. I'm scum as they are. Bad pension. Yeah. I love the notion that like Mark Zuckerberg

was just in a chippy one time and seeing a fat guy walk in and be told, usual. It's like, hang on a minute. I can do this with everything. Oh my God, people remember things about customers but if i if i was trying to take down the pentagon you know and i was a hacker i'd be fully i'd be absolutely i'd be so suspicious of everyone but i'm doing jack shit i'm doing a podcast with my mate talking bullshit about granddad's trousers i'm all right i don't think i'm on the radar of the illuminati unless luke montague is in the illuminati

do you reckon if you had tourette's you could be like a high-ranking government official? Do you reckon that's all off the radar? Prime Minister's questions. And I put to the honourable gentleman, what is it? Oh, mate, you just can't. I don't even think you could be an MP. I mean, to be fair, I think you make a brilliant...

I mean, that's basically what backbench mps do don't they like like someone in quiff and all the person you hear like it'd be much better if you heard i've i've been a long time advocate of um i think people in the houses of parliament like the mps should be allowed to be brutally honest and swear because I think there's too much respect involved. And then the cheering in the background, it seems like sort of like a schoolyard to me, the House of Commons,

that there's rules applied to. A very posh schoolyard. Yeah. The leader of the opposition is like, well, I put to the honourable gentleman that he is this, this, this, and this, and he is ruining the... And then his mates are going, here I am!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, even the way the speaker, John Bercow, is it? Order! Yeah. Order! Yeah. Order!

That should be someone going, fucking shut up! Sit down! Boris, sit the fuck down. You've had your say. Sit the fuck down. Jeremy, tell him, lad. It should be someone going fucking shut up sit down Boris sit the fuck down you've had your say sit the fuck down Jeremy

tell him lad it should be Becky from last week's episode episode three the best speaker of the house the fuck are you talking sit the fuck down

sit down you've had your say haven't you no you can talk again in a minute he's gonna answer stop fucking cheering shut the

yeah I think backbenchers should be allowed to be like, get in, lad. Cut. Squat. The rat. Rats. You fucking rat. You've been siphoning public money off

and paying for the second house, you fucking rat. Order. The MP for Skelmersdale has a point. I just want to say... I just want to say... I just want to say... Press a potato crazy. Killing my business. Order.

Okay, take your order. Order. Okay. What do you want? Order. I'm trying to tell you, order. You want an Adam special? Prince, you're fine.

Oh, should we have a word? Yeah, let's do it. Hello, everyone. It's Dan. Before we get going with this week's actual have a word yeah let's do it hello everyone it's dan before we get going with this week's actual have a word entries i've got a little bit of a public service announcement bit of an advert with a bed underneath and everything if you've heard me reference my old podcast the hack radio pod in early episodes don't go looking for it i have hit it on the head i wasn't quite happy with what was being knocked out i am going going to do another podcast, but it'll be later in the year. I'm going to concentrate on Have A Word.

So if you hear my dulcet tones with Adam and think, fuck, he's got another podcast. No, I don't. You'll be the first to hear about it when I do. In the meantime, if you are looking for some other podcasts, we've got some mates with podcasts out. Rob Thomas, our comedian pal,

has got his NFL podcast, Far From Lombardi. So it's Super Bowl weekend. If you're looking to get into the NFL, or if you're already into the NFL and you're about to mourn the loss of football for about eight months because it's a long off-season, Far From Lombardi are all good podcast retailers. And there's also the new podcast from comedian promoter Freddie Quinn. And you might be thinking freddie quinn

who the fuck is that guy well if you'd like to find out go and have a look for fake news with freddie quinn it'll be available very soon i know adam and me are both going to be on it and it's topical news i don't know it's just freddie in it we'll see but it'll probably be quite good last but not least we are closing out today's show with a song from a local band. Any up-and-coming talent or a new band that have got a song to promote, we want to do a bit of cross-promotion.

We also need an outro. We'd like to play your music as we leave the show. So if you'd like to send us your new tracks for promotion, you'd like them to be our outro song, get in touch with us at haveawordpod at gmail.com and you can be our outro music today. All right. we will close out the show with it. Appreciate you. Let's get back to the pod. All right. If you'd like us to have a word with somebody you know, send us an email to have a word pod at gmail.com.

This is have a word. The new way to tell your mates. What's up? Got a bit of a bed for this. Mate, I've really been dicking around with... What were you expecting, man? So on Have A Word, we actually do have a word with people. So if you send them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com or at haveawordpod on social media. We will

have a word with someone in your life who's being a bit of a nod, being a bellend. If you've just got a story to tell, if you need some help, we'll do a podcast intervention for you. We'll use our sexy bed. That was very, very

professional the way you did that. I like that. I'm getting better at this. Yeah, we're getting there. And I've not pooed my pants, so... Oh, doing all right. Still got a bit of time to go. So we've had two submissions this week, and we'll go through both of them.

One of them was sent to me, and one of them was sent to our official Instagram account, at Have A Weird Pod. So let's get straight into it hey um here's the first one so I've just copied them onto like a google doc hello Adam loving the podcast with Dan and really hoping you can help me in your have a word section I want you to have a word with my housemates from uni I'm originally from Cambridgebridge but i now live in liverpool and attend ljmu which is for those uninitiated liverpool john moore's university uh all of my housemates and their friends are from the northwest of england two are from liverpool and one is from st helens it's become an in-joke

amongst them all to call me a tory for various things that have absolutely nothing to do with politics and it's starting to really pee me off. Where's she from, sorry? Cambridge. Cambridge, okay. They've called me for getting lemon and herb spice in Nando's, for ordering Domino's on a Wednesday rather than a two-for-Tuesday, and hundreds of times for pronouncing a whole variety of words incorrectly, for pronouncing them correctly, sorry.

I'm sick of it. I voted for the first time ever last month in the election and my vote was for labor please have a word with them for me and i'll make them listen to the podcast cheers from edward now a couple of things to pick up on straight away here how devastating must it be to come from cambridge and end up at john morton university And end up at John Morton University. You've come a long way. Oh, that's such... And you've got a tutu from the University of Wigan.

Ed, and I love the fact he's called Edward. I know. If it was something a little less Tory sounding. Something a little less monarchy. Yeah, and it's not even like, it sounds very like medieval monarchy. It's like, oh. oh, Edward from Cambridge. And they've obviously gone... I can't get past the fact that he goes to John Moores University.

But they've obviously gone, ah, well, you know, we're all from up here. And like, if you're, there's two of them are Scousers, and there's one from St. Helens. And I mean, even though that's only like 12 miles out of Liverpool, they sound so fucking northern. Yeah. And he's the odd one out because he's just... And he's not even from like...

He might not even be that posh, but compared to St. Helens, everyone sounds posh. Yeah, if you don't know the St. Helens accent, it's Johnny Vegas, isn't it? That's St. Helens. You Tory bastard! Lemon and herb, You Tory twat Problem is

You want us to have a word Edward but We've got to have a word With Edward haven't we They're rinsing you Really well mate Like Lemon and herb

You fucking sorry What's a labour What's a labour source At Nando's What's a What's a socialist flavour I think it's what's a what's a socialist flavour I think it's

medium or hot isn't it medium or hot yeah or extra hot because you're poor and you need the heat because the fucking

radiators don't work I get extra extra hot you just you can't have lemon and hairball mango and lime they're just a little

bit tawny aren't they like I'm sorry but we're having a word with you you're gonna have to grow a thick skin like this is why I'm just a little bit sorry, aren't I? I'm sorry, but we're having a word with you here, lad. You're going to have to grow a thick skin. This is why people need to be bullied a bit at school so that when they get to uni, they can take it.

What was the next one? What was it, Lemon and Herb? Ordering dominoes on a Wednesday. It's so sorry! It's so good. I love it that they've cited that that is almost if you did that as an observation in stand-up you'd get a big laugh from that yeah because there are some people that would never order dominoes i wouldn't you're fucking mad even if i thought i was gonna want a dominoes

on a wednesday i'd order it on a tuesday put it in the fridge and reheat it on the wednesday so that i got two pizzas instead of one. What kind of fucking millionaire are you, Edward? Paying full whack for a Domino's for 20 quid each, you daft cunt. What are you talking about? It's so good. Yeah, Edward, I'm really sorry,

but your friends are nailing you by being pretty funny there. You're asking comedians to have a word with them and we're always going to side with them because they're coming up with good stuff yeah they were just being assholes to you but they've been quite creative with it there's so many things that are nothing to do with politics but up here are just a bit tory white socks wearing white socks wearing white socks you're not allowed especially in liverpool i and also i think just a serious bit of advice if you do want them to leave you be definitely don't message into a comedy podcast because you just it's like anything

in it if you just ignore it if you just don't water off a duck's back and go oh yeah cool cool cool but as soon as you show any resistance, they're like, oh yeah, it's bugging him. You've made this so much worse. If any of them listen to this

and realise that you've written in. We are doing well. Yeah. We should meet at house meetings minus Edward to do some workshopping

on the writing. Right guys, what else does he do? He's trying to get the podcast police involved. As if they were, even if we agree, but I'm like, listen, listen guys, what else does he do? He's trying to get the podcast police involved. As if they were... Even if we agree, but I'm like, listen, guys,

this is... He is a visitor from the South and we really need to make these people feel welcome. So stop it right now. They're going to be like, you're a Tory as well. Quality podcast.

Yeah, sorry, Edward, lads. This is all you, baby baby and you've got to just oh he's just got it yeah he's got a knot he's got a knot what you are he's got to laugh along with it honey as soon as i always think that when someone's ribbing you as soon as you start going no no yeah you can you can hear the like the den of vipers like you you have to just roll with the punches you've got to take it when that. When that McDonald's thing happened with me a couple of weeks ago, which we discussed on episode two,

every joke that got made, you've just got to take it because you fucked up. And you fucked up by being born in Cambridge and that's your fault. Well, to be fair, you got born where you were born, but when you went on UCAS

and applied to Liverpool, John Moore. But I really wanted to come up north and see what the working class types were like you know he might be proper working class as well and he has votes for labor but um just yeah but i that whole ribbon thing you've just you've just got to be able to take it some of my favorite podcasts listening is the american podcast stuff where bill burr's on and he's talking about back in the day and you mentioned patrice o'neill before but when like him kevin hart patrice o'neill like and bobby were all all of those guys were like coming up through the system and like they were all at caroline's

and and this and the cellar in new york and they used to just rib each other, and like, I love listening to that. The stories of Patrice being like, brutal. And just murdering people, and like, there was, apparently there was some comics got there, and were like,

desperately trying to just sneak in, around where the other comics were, so they wouldn't be seen, and apparently, one of them, they were all sat around on a table, and like, Patrice and O'Neill was holding court,

and then, he saw someone, and they all heard the comic go, oh, fuck, he's seen me. That's so funny. Because it meant you were just going to get it for three minutes. And if you complain too much, you're just throwing paraffin on the banter fire. You've got to be like, yep, my turn. It makes it funnier if it affects you.

It's adult childhood bullying that's what it is like i love nothing more than when i see like i'm doing a comedy club weekend and everyone on the bill i'm close enough mates with to take the piss out of them like we've mentioned freddie on this today who the fuck is that guy like i love winding freddie up and he's got a new running joke he's he's so sensitive to being wound up. Yeah, that's exactly what his chin sounds like. I completely disagree. Paul Smith and Danny Mac and Brennan Reese and Pete Otway

and all these people who I started comedy with, if they do something fucking ridiculous on stage, I will take the piss massively backstage and you it's the best part of life is getting to be the guy taking the piss and it but a part of it is when it comes it's like a game of spin the bottle in it yeah eventually paul smith found out that i tried a ukulele song on stage right this is about four years ago and I was I dicked around with it for kids comedy and then I wrote a bit of a song and I probably tried it twice and I was like yes it's not it's not great I just I was just trying something out

and obviously that's some people have gone have you heard nine girls got a ukulele song and I played the ukulele for about eight or nine years and I do quite enjoy it, but I quickly worked out that it was never going to be on the stage. That's fine. I just wanted to give it a little go. I'd noodled something out.

Yeah, but you're not allowed to do that. Danny Mac knows it. That's terrible because fucking Professor Quirrell's got the knowledge. And Paul Smith has found out. I wouldn't be surprised if he found out from Danny Mac. And he may, he has reminded me that about three or four fucking times. Like, we'll do a little thing,

and you just get a little sense with Paul Smith. He's never given me the full double barrels. But he's like, yeah, yeah, like doing a ukulele song. And I'm like, oh, God. That, to me, is a bit of a secret. I've never really said it on a podcast. I've just kept it to myself. But the fact that paul smith knows you're like oh and it's that it's that ability to just know where one of your tender bits is yeah because there's no there's no point

doing a joke about something that's everyone knows it's those paul smith evil in his eyes he's like yeah yeah like doing a ukulele song on stage i was like looking at him like please don't please don't there's there's one thing, and one of the easiest ways to sort of fuck up amongst comics is when you do a bit of crowd work and you haven't quite got enough to make it brilliant while you're on stage, because it's in the moment. And it was a couple of years ago, it was on my birthday,

and I was comparing Hot Water, Comedy Club's late show, and I'd had quite a bit to drink. I'm a bit drunk. And I've never heard the end of this. And I never will. And I accept it because it was a stupid thing to say. So I'm chatting to someone on the front row. And I went, oh, what's your name?

Whatever. And I went, where are you from? And she said, Aintree. And in my drunken mind, I just went, oh, horses. That's all I said. Right? Not good. Not funny.

And forever, every now and then, like if one of the people that I'm on the WhatsApp group with, Danny, Mac, Freddie, Paul, the other Paul, if they're on the motorway and there's one of those cars going past with horses written on the back, I get sent the photo of that. If there's, if they're in Aintree i'll get sent a selfie horses if they ever speak to anyone in the audience now if they're from aintree oh horses for about a month i kept getting texts going i was talking to someone on the front row last night uh he's a chef sauces uh that's so funny the foot he's a waiter on stage you're just trying to think of like the first thing but if you've had booze and you're a bit tired you go back to like basic like it's like literally just say what you think yeah and you're not expecting the crowd to be like

thanks guys i did it again you know it's shit but it's just when those bastards are listening yeah you just want it to be private and like did anyone because i've said some stupid stuff on Thanks, guys. I did it again. You know it's shit, but it's just when those bastards are listening. Yeah. You just want it to be private. And like, did anyone... Because I've said some stupid stuff on stage and done some crap bits, but I'm like, just check in. Have you seen that?

Not been recorded. Yeah, I've got away with that one. Thought I got away with a ukulele song until Bolt Smith's like, why don't you play a ukulele song? Fuck. That's my horses horses that's my musical horses oh god oh dear yeah like i got sent so many of them like oh i'm a just been speaking to a priest he deals with people doing confessions remorses and. And Danny Mac is a fucker for them.

And Paul Blair, they will come up with them constantly. To go back to Edward, lad, you're just going to have to take it. I think if we can give you any bit of advice, it's that you were two scousers and someone from St. Helens, and if there's anyone you can target there, if the lad from St. Helens, he's a wolf. If you haven't heard that word, he's a fucking wolf, isn't he? He's from dead near to Liverpool,

but he's not quite Liverpool. And scouts are quite happy to pick on someone from nearby St. Ellen's, the widow, Ormskirk, Skem, Warrington. They're all walls.

It means you're a bit of a gimp. We don't fucking like you. And it's, it's friendly fire. But if, yeah, if you're going to try and turn this around onto anyone, I would,

I would wait for the person from St. Helens to do something that isn't particularly scouse and then call them a wall in front of the other two and that might turn your university experience around. But other than that, have a word with yourself. Or really play the long game and think, well, I'm from down south and I'm a Tory. These are from working class bits of the north-west and I've probably

got a longer life expectancy. Do you know what I mean? That's more Tony, though, to take that stance. Well, yes, well, I do have lemon and herb, but you know what? I'm going to live an extra World Cup compared to you, so... How's your cholesterol, Stephen? That's really bad advice.

Eddie lad, don't do that. No, I didn't... advice don't Eddie lad don't do that no I didn't I don't think it I just think it imagine firing that back and he's ordered Domino's on a Thursday again

yes well it doesn't matter because I'm I've got I'm with pooper like they're gonna go fucking hell

he's nailed us there lad let's hope the Tory government keep the NHS free at the point of entry because otherwise Edward's going to win this banter so as Edward lad

have a word with yourself we're not having a word with your mates on that one they are doing what they should do which is taking the piss out of a new mate cool

next have a word next and final have a word for this week this is I've already read through this one and final Have a word for this week This is I've already read through this one And it is A dodgy one

So It's a dodgy one Yeah It's You'll see So Alright boys This is a bit

I love how by the way This lad's Scouse accent Comes across In his email Alright boys This is a bit of a mad one But I need you to have a word

with me dad him and me mum have been split up for a couple of years now and are getting divorced I'm sorry I'm with that they were having murder constantly for years

and they're both well better off without each other they actually even get on now and we can invite them both to christenings and stuff like that about six I love how that's the whole

my mum and dad are split up, but we can still come to Little Timmy's, Kristen, and get on the Mozambique. About six months after they broke up, my mum started seeing a new fella, Ian, and they've been together ever since. Again, Ian's all right, and as long as I block the thought out of him

goosing me ma, I think he's quite sound. Now, if anyone doesn't get the lingo, goosing is a Scouse term for shagging. Mate, that's the whole deal with, soon as someone who isn't like a step well it's even like with your siblings when you're like oh he's got a new boyfriend you're like oh you can't think yeah just gotta block that shit out mate if you think about it you're not gonna be all right with a beating with anyone are you like i'll tell you what, he's all right, but I keep thinking about it.

Just stop thinking about that. Get that out of your mind. So he's sound with Ian and he's sound with his ma, as long as he's not thinking about the fact that they're bumping uglies. The problem is me dad. He's not settled back down and he's just bouncing from one bed to another with a mixture of one-night stands and flings that last about five minutes. I see him pretty much weekly for a few pints.

He comes out with me and me mates for the footy. He's always done that, but he's started showing me and the boys pictures of birds he's shagging like he's just another one of us. It's fucking weird. He is me mate, but he's also me arse fella, and there's a line, I've a word,

and that's from Ryan in Liverpool. Oh, you know what? I've been there. You've been there? I've, I've a word, and that's from Ryan in Liverpool. Oh, you know what? I've been there. You've been there? I've weirdly been in a similar situation. We'll talk about that, but I have been in a weird one when you're like through divorce or whatever, when parents go through a sort of midlife crisis

and you're in a position where you're like, what are you doing in the nightclub? Now, my dad was was never single he was straight seen so after him and my mum split up he was seeing this woman who was a

fucking dick and they were like oh we're going out again it's almost like they'd regressed 25, 30 years but your mum kept coming up and going

look at the size of this dick oh disgusting you haven't jerked off this dick oh disgusting you haven't jerked up but yeah I had I kept getting people go Danny

did you know that your dad was in Tokyo Joe's last night with his new girlfriend the new Fast and Furious film Fast 12 it was the

Fast 12 it was the Preston nightclub back in the 90s late 90s early 90s I think it was I think it was called Lava Ignite afterwards

it changed its name every seven years it was the same shit hole right it was called Taki Jacks Tokyo Jokes when we went

and it was it was one of them nightclubs you know when you're 19 you're like god I've got to grow up and start and start going to a fucking proper nightclub

because when you were 16 you were like oh my god we're going to Tox and then 17 you're still going to Tox and then as soon as you were legally allowed in it was a bit like

fucking passe like can't believe we're still going to Tox there was a bar like that on Matthew Street in Liverpool called the Quarry Quarter Matthew Street's quite weird in Liverpool

because it's very famous because the caverns there were like the beatles sort of stars and that and there's a total destruction but other nights it's one of the most awful places in the world and is the the clientele there there's a combination of people who are underage and overage like there's people who are like 17 and 85 and there's people who are, like, 17 and 85, and there's people who've, like, still got A-levels to do, necking on with, like, pensions. I know it's horrible, but it's really true. Everyone's in on a concession. And that was the place you went before you had ID,

because they're just like, yeah, he's fucking 16 or whatever, but we'll take what we can get to lower the fucking likelihood of death in the person in the room yeah those are always a quarter oh mate i've just remembered i can't believe they gave it a quarter as well quarry court no that's the name of a bar oh right the quarry quarter you're going to quarry oh it's really cringy when parents get into that state and it's like that kid's dad is not is it ryan his dad's like he's just doing the best he can but he's going i got back once and my dad and his new girlfriend were fucking stoned in the conservatory

and i've got a girlfriend i've not been seeing her very long bring bring her back it was the first time she was about to meet him so she's all like oh I've been seeing Dan a couple of weeks and I'm back to see meet his parents and oh and he's like oh great this is going to be and I was like

you're right and they were like on the couch like don't worry about a thing because everything is going to be alright oh so cringy

and then I'm there like you need to go to bed and stop eating munchies just fucking play your role your children it is a new level when you're showing like hey i'm on tinder hey look at these lads look at her fucking ming i'm sorry adam you really there was some form of terminology where you could have just softened that upper touch. Yeah. Minge is horrible and it's the worst one.

It's the aggressive... Fuck on, man. Edward's listening like, oh my God, I'm getting back down to Cambridge. It's an awkward one, this, because whatever Ryan's dad's called, let's call him Ryan's dad. He just feels like he's out with his mates, doesn't he?

Do you know what I mean? If he sees these every week and this is his, if this is his sesh every week, his son and his son's mates, and he might have given up all his mates for his marriage i mean because that happens to some fellas doesn't it like they lose all the mates because um maybe your ma's a nightmare ryan um maybe she's not and it just happens maybe yeah maybe you have to get your mates around on a tuesday afternoon to do a podcast but your dad just feels like he's one of

the boys so he's got no one else to sort of show off. No, we need to have a word with Ryan's dad. We do. I'm just trying to... I'm trying to be like, listen, you're in a shitty spot, but you're not part of the WhatsApp group. Even though it's really nice that you're mates with your dad and you're mates with your son, that's cool, but you've got to know where the invisible line of, like, there's some chat you can do with your mates with your dad and your mates with your son that's cool but if you've got to know where the invisible line of like there's some chat you can do with your mates very hard

is real in this i think that is a real skill there's a real skill with being a lad is knowing when shit's appropriate you've got to be a bit of a chameleon and i've got mates who just like swearing for instance how we talk on this podcast is how i talk to my mates like the comics that are male friends right i've got friends who just literally they talk like this all the time that's and then they cannot turn it off yeah so you're like we i've got like you go for lunch with them and they're in their zzz's on a saturday afternoon like they're not concept to me and you're like no mate it's like the oap special next time that you can feel like nana's out for her 85th birthday and my mate's like this

absolute fucking no bed you're like oh my god i can't deal with it just know when it's appropriate and that's what ryan's dad needs to do just needs to know that's not appropriate. You're not part of the boys' WhatsApp. You need to bend his run and stay onside. Jesus Christ. Yeah. So Ryan's dad, I hope you listen to this, lads. Just at very, very, very least, wait till your son goes to bog in the pub and then show all his mates these birds if you want.

I'm just saying at very least, you need to leave ryan out of it you know because then he doesn't want to think about ian slamming his mum and he doesn't want anything about you slamming everyone you've matched with and super liked i hope i'm never single again do you know when you hear this story she's like i don't want to go out there i literally feel like a vietnam vet like i've some shit, I don't want to have to go back, oh no, but good luck,

I hope he finds happiness, but, what's, can't he do the old banter with his mates, maybe he hasn't got, like you said, I don't think he, I reckon he must be just like,

he feels like they are his mates, he doesn't have like a father-son relationship, they're genuine friends, because like, he goes out once a week for a pint with them like to be fair as well well it is kind of cute when uh like my my my missus her dad is single he's been single for a while he's gone proper lone wolf and he's not really been dating or anything he's just he goes out he goes to like dances you know like he has and he just doesn't tell his daughter I'm shagging this Oh man yeah But he just

He met someone Before Christmas And then he was here At Christmas And he was telling us all about it And it was literally like Talking to a 22 year old Like

She's really nice And she's got lovely brown hair Sometimes You know when you're Really into a girl And all of a sudden You just turn into a right sap And she says the funniest things

could you give me a funny example one time she said this yeah it's not funny but you can tell you really like her dude's 72 and he's like i think she's got i'm taking her to the prom it's that honeymoon period where you're like oh my god she likes doing everything like i like doing she's she's like a female me. This is amazing. But to be fair, my father-in-law didn't then go, look at these pictures you sent me. No, you've ruined Christmas. Time and a place.

Yeah, Ryan's dad, leave Ryan out of it, lad. And I would also try, if you've got your own mates, then leave Ryan's mates out of it as well. I can't imagine they are any more comfortable with it than he is really but if if you've absolutely got to share it with anyone just wait till ryan fucks off go to the toilet get there 20 minutes early show them all before ryan gets there stop showing your son your Weird, weird man. Send it to us. No, thanks. Shall we call it, mate?

Yeah. We've got one more thing to do, though. We've got a song. Oh, yeah, we've got our first song. I was literally just ready to wrap it up and walk out. Yeah. So it's sort of a slight sombre note to end it on, I suppose, because I do want to tell a story.

Like we've said in previous episodes, we wanted to sort of big up like a local band at the end of every episode. And we're going to do that this week because we've had our first submission. Have they sent it in? So it was sent in by a woman called Ali Richardson. She messaged me on Facebook. um now i don't want to you know bring the mood down too much but sadly a nephew who was in a band he died in a car crash

back in august very very sad um and the band are still going and they've now i think i from what the context i got from her message he has now been replaced he was the drummer in the band yeah so they've kept going and they've got a new drummer yeah which is if i was in a band it's what i'd want yeah you know yeah you've got to keep it going and it's sort of the right thing to do and the band are called clear vinyl however um they've got a song out uh it's it's on spotify and you can also find it on pretty much every other bit of the internet as well and And the band is called Clear Vinyl. The song is called You.

And the reason we're going to play this this week for Ali Richardson and her nephew is because this is the one song that they've released where he is still doing the drums on the song. Oh, because it was recorded before he died. Yeah, it was recorded before the lad died. And just in his memory, we're honoured to play this song for this lad. What was his name? She didn't tell me, but I'm sure...

Maybe she just wants to keep it private. Maybe she does. But this is... But if you know, you know. If they're listening and they know. Yeah, absolutely. So this song is called You. It's by Clear Vinyl.

And if you do want to support these guys, go and, after you've listened to it on here, if you enjoy it, because it is a fucking banger, to be honest. Go and stream it. Go and download it. Pay for it if you can.

Do whatever you can. And playing us out this week is Clear Vinyl with You. Bye. I'm sick and tired of you telling all these lies But you never tell me why You never tell me why Keep your cards out close You're playing games

You need to let it out You need to let it out I'm telling you Cause you're the love of my life Love of my life Show me the light, show me the light For you, for you Cause you're the love of my life, love of my life Show me the light, show me the light

For you, for you I lost my sense of pride a long time ago It was my only lie, you never ask me why As the ashes turn to dust, I sobered up The lack of lust, I want you by my side I need you by my side You're the love of my life, love of my life Show me the light, show me the light For you, for you

Cause you're the love of my life, love of my life Show me the light, show me the light For you, for you, yeah Love of my life, love of my life Show me the light, show me the light For you For you You're the love of my life Love of my life Show me the light Show me the light

For you For you Show me the light Show me the time Show me the time For you For you Shall I try this one time thing? Shall I try this one time thing with you?