Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #400 with Chris Kent - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: September 26, 2026

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.co.ukDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream: https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_MAD THAT w/ Harry & Carl: madthat.comFinnlay K FINAL GIG TICKETS: https://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Liverpool/Jacaranda-Baltic/Finnlay-K-Farewell-Show/42670455/Film Club Live || https://tinyurl.com/filmcluboctoberFinnlay K - Whole Again: https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/WHOLEAGAINLIVEAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Hello Fresh | https://www.hellofresh.co.uk/50HAWPODClick the link to enjoy an exclusive offer of 50% off your first box, along with a 20% discount for the next 4 boxes plus free treats (including fruit bundles) for 2 months. Alternatively, you can use our code 50HAWPOD. This special offer is available for new customers as well as those who cancelled their subscription twelve months ago or more.NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Saily | https://saily.com/haveawordDownload SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍HexClad | https://hexclad.co.uk/word10Upgrade your kitchen. Up to 40% off site wide!ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, Lairds? Welcome to this week's episode of the Have a Word podcast. This is Adam Rowe for the audio listeners. If you're a video listener, I imagine you know that because you're looking at my big, beautiful face. I am on tour from this week onwards. I'm going all over the UK, but we start in Ireland. And this is a great episode to have Chris Kent on

because we start in Cork at the Opera House. Then we hit Dublin. And then we come back and do all of England and Scotland, Adamrow.com.com. at UK for tickets, go and get them right now. And yes, this adverse has been interrupted by my dog Remy coming to say hello. Say hello, Remy. Nice one.

Adamrow.co.cote, UK, tour starts this weekend on the 2nd of October and goes all the way through to December. I'm going all over the UK. I am coming very close to your town or city and I'll see you there. Adam row.com.com.com. That's Adam Rowe. for tickets. Wagwaglids, you're listening

to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn this is the one and only

have a word. This episode is brought to you by NordVPN the very best in protecting your online activity. Go, Ed,

get on me. Welcome to the Have A Word podcast. Do you want to do a podcast? Dan says, yes. Carl says, yes. Adam says, yes, the man from Del Monte, he says.

Yes. I've got wet hair. Episode 400. Am I right, Carl? Are you right? Episode 400. It was a bit of a blibli-blu around the 100s. Where sometimes thumbnails were wrong.

And Jamali Maddox was never actually numbered. Yeah. Episode 403. Yeah. Or 397. Seth Johnson as well. There's an Alfie one in there. There's the mental health special.

We can't forget that. The Alfie one was recorded as a public but then went on Patreon because he was worried about what he'd said. How ironic. Episode, roughly 400. Yeah. It's on the thumbnail.

There's no 400s in pop culture. Like there's 300 like this is Sparta, et cetera. Because we did the 250 lock-in it's quite a number that's got you know got some culture around the 400 is just like a, no one's ass. There's the 400 metres

on the track and field. Yeah, there you go. Oh, we should have done a track and field special. Don't say that doesn't sound good. Hang on, the 400 is the one, it's the full track in it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One sprint round. It's the one where they start in different lanes. Yeah. But then they're... Even though I know it's measured out because they still think it's ball-wax, mate. Are they all, they have to stay in their lanes for 400.

Who is the Johnson guy in the 90s? Michael Johnson. He was. A basketball player? No. That's Michael Jordan. But it was Michael Johnson? It was Michael Johnson.

Yeah. Unreal. He did like 400, 200. Yeah. Fucking impressive. Well, wasn't you, Seine Bolt, a 400 runner at first? And as coach said, you need to do shorter sprints. Right. Because he's astonishing over any length, short as I imagine.

But he went, yeah, you need to do them all because you're going to win them all. Is that his name? There's another Instagram clip that I'm never, as soon as it's you, same ball, just absolutely blitzing someone. I can't, I have to watch the whole thing. I think the Olympics would be better and arguably fairer if it was just, the Olympians never know when it's coming. because you know, like, in the buildup to the Olympics,

they can all train and, like, whatever. But is Usain Bolt the fastest person on, like, a random Wednesday in the middle of November? Could he do it on wet night and stoke? Wet night and stoke, lads, Olympics, Staffordshire. No, but, like, one of the other guys in the final might naturally, like, on a normal day, be quicker than Usain Bolt, and we never test that.

It's just, it's only, like, he's got hyperfocus or an ADHD or whatever, which, you know, what is performing an insulin and drugs? really. Like that's what, it's a natural built-in performance and answer drug.

Test them when they don't know. Just be like, hey, tomorrow, it's the Olympics. And if they go, oh, I've got the baby or whatever, then they don't get to compete this year.

Obviously, this 100 metre final is a little depleted because Usain Bolt had a dentist appointment. And no ticket sales because it's been announced on a day's notice.

Nah, I reckon they do all right. Yeah, they're half full. Was that a name, no? I sold out pins on a day's notice. they could sell out the hundred meters on the case. That's true.

But my name was called Bolt. Is that his born name? Yeah, you're saying St. Leo Bolt? What? Cool name. Yeah, but people always do this, don't they? And they go, wow, he was destined for that. His Alfa did fuck all.

And he had the same name. He's got... Usain's dad. Unless his dad's, like, fucking screwing stuff in. He's one letter away from insane bolt. That's who. His dad was called Wellesley Bolt. The welder.

And he died. He was ill. Oh. And eventually a bolt was going to be the quickest because they're quite quick, aren't he, the way they move? His dad must have been pretty sharp, you know? Like fast? Do you think Alan Sheer's dad was a bagger?

A what? A baggered? A magpie? Chechen Alan Sheer's dad, bagged goals. Sometimes it's just an anomaly. Maybe, yeah. I think with running, though, it's probably... It's not always, like, passed down.

Like, you know, On the face of it, like I'm like sort of average act, maybe on the shorter side, but if you look at how tall my mum and dad are, I did it quite well out of it. Oh yeah, you're tall of them, yeah. Yeah, my dad's like 5, 6. Oh, God.

And my mum's 5, maybe 5, 1 maybe she was. I mean, she's not anymore. I had a bad joke. I had a bad job. But your granddad was 6-8, so. My granddad bin, he was a little bit taller. Maybe you get your height and your hair from your mum's dad. I don't mean?

That's why I'm 6-2. I've been really let down by Leonard short bald man. Go on. I've typed in nominative determinism because you say in Baltimore's like one of the main examples of this. There's also Richard Chop, who performs vasectomies. Yeah, but that, like, surely that makes more sense

to be like a butcher, like lamb chop? Dick Chop. Oh, Richard Chop. Yeah, Richard Chop. There's also Dr. Weed on, who is one of the noted experts on your ordinary incontinence. No. Are you writing for this?

this website. Sue you, a real-life attorney. That's good. I like that one. What would you have been done? Like a bird. A nightingale. I've got a fairly good voice.

That may be passed down. Maybe the, I think the surname Nightingale's from the Norman Conquest. All the nightingales were like probably the court. Would that mean I'm a child catcher? Robin's son. I'm Robin's son.

Yeah. Have you ever had a one night's time with a woman called Gail? you know I have I've told you about that the one that got away a knight inner yeah what's regla man it's to be more in my head it's this

to be more royal to be more royal yeah I haven't told the story on pod and you love the king as well I've not told the story on pod when I was in Mexico a lad messaged me called forgot his first name second name regla and I come on no no English come on regale

English lad John. And he messaged me and I went, oh my God, we've got the same surname. And I thought the only regalers in the UK were my family because I've searched

like Facebook and whatever. I know there's some in America. And he went, yeah, yeah, I'm a regla. And then he taught me loads about my name about how it was taken from Austrian royalty and like... Feels like it. Feels like it.

It feels Germanic, don't it? Yeah, dead cool. I was like, oh, that's so sick. I never knew that about my name. Thank you. And he taught me loads of stuff. Did you not know your name was Austrian? No, I knew it was Austrian.

I didn't know where it originated from. I told you that man. That's me. Next time. I'll just tell him. I've asked Adam. Shut up. You're not at him.

But then he said, he applied to be in the police. You know this. This is insane. What was the story? He applied to be in the police. What was the story that you'd said? Oh, I remember.

It was not, because he said Carl was just asking you to tell the rest of his own story there. Yeah, I'm really confused. I have more faith in yourself. I meant to, I remember. So the police have gone. Okay.

this guy's name. I imagine they've just going to Cursary, Google check, he's not like a bad guy, whatever. So they've typed in his name, Riegler. And he was the Riddler. And he was the Riddler from Batman. Oh, shit. And he told me. He's now, what, at least 85 years old as well? They don't get him in the police, do they?

What's the age? His name was Harry. Obviously. Oh, yeah, it was Harry Riegler. So they've Googled Harry Riegler. And the top thing is Harry telling a story about our mom. He wasn't allowed Johnny's at his 18-birth party. Like, Johnny's He's full of...

I mean, mum was hiding and fake Johnny's filled with com around the house. And they were like, is that your mum? We can't be having you with the police. So they said to him, he was like,

is this story about you, and he was like, no, and then he went into, and I searched the podcast and now he's a fan. So hang on the police aren't allowed to practice safe sex.

No, I think they were like, is this you telling stories on the internet about your mum's coming gondoms? What's wrong with a police officer doing that though? I'd just imagine they were asking. Yeah. But yeah.

That is mental. that the police in the interview process go, let's see if he's had any clips go viral. I don't think they were... Hang on, this one's about come. I think they were looking for, like, articles about, like, burglary and sexual assault and stuff like that.

It's not just a criminal record that they... What if he got away with it? Well, it made the news. O.J. made the news. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If OJ Simpson was going for an interview at the police, they'd have not known all the stuff

unless they did a quick Google saying. Oh, Jay, mate, this is quite a lot. I call LJ Simpson here. What's the job on the desk? He's a fucking familiar name. Hang on. Has he any of clips go viral? No, he's not.

Been on a podcast. He's just good and catching bad guys. He's just catching fucking bombs, mate. Didn't deserve it. Because you're not allowed to be in the police. He was a catcher, when he? He was a running back. He was a runner.

Everyone has to catch the ball. Eventually, they're not playing. Sorry, what? Everybody playing football has to catch the ball at some point. American football. American football. Okay, yeah, all right, yeah. Occasionally, like, fucking Joe Montana would have been like, yeah, I'd run with that.

That would happen loads, yeah. That would happen several times a game. Yeah, they'd pass it off, yeah. He won the Hyman Award, didn't he? Yeah, he lost his hymen. No, he kept it. They took it after the trial to pay for the core fees, but he kept the Heisman Award.

But, I mean, his job wasn't, he's mainly running. Yeah, but he had to hold the ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if he rammed without the ball, no, but sometimes they'd go, potentially, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he'd run with it, and they'd all chase him,

going, juice has got the ball, and the courseback would be like, no, beds. Who's got the ball? Juice. No beds. He was called juice, funny? Yeah, he was, yeah, yeah. The juice.

The juice. The juice has got the ball. Oh, that is a surprise. You don't see that a lot. Maynor Solomon. Got an assist on the weekend. One of the most... satisfying visuals is where a QB fakes giving the ball

to the running back and like just that bit of deception and then pretends to keep it and the defender has no idea and twatts into them for 15 yards unnecessary roughness. It's fucking great. Just step over.

Oh, is that unnecessary roughness? Yeah, I would say so, yeah. Because he hasn't got the ball? Yeah, because you've absolutely just twatted into someone. Do you know, you were sort of hinting there at, you don't see, a lot of running back to use. That's the joke you're making.

There isn't a lot of Jewish running backs. There isn't a lot of white running backs, to be honest. Yeah, exactly. Shout out, Christine McCaffrey. But do you not think, do you know the way, and I don't mean this to be in any way misogynistic, right? Do you know the way they went right? These are the elite footballers on the planet,

for any sport. And they went, and obviously, because of the physical disadvantages when you're born as a female, We're going to make you your own league so you never have to compete. Oh my God, I know where this is going. Right?

Do you not think that every, every group, including, do you not think there should be like a Jewish league? A Jew league, a dwarf league, a Jewish dwarf league. Like you can really sort of come. You have how many as you want? If you can find someone willing to run the league and find the sponsors, get yourself a stay. Do you think there's a league worth enough of?

Jewish Chinese dwarf NFL players? No, so that's the thing. If you get to that point and your mates like, I'm going to run the Jewish Chinese dwarf football league and you're like, listen, Billy, you're never, ever, ever. It's not going to get off to ground.

You're not going to go out to ground. And he's like, you'll see, you'll all see. And then a few months later, he's like, you know what, I'm going back to to Walmart because it hasn't quite worked out when he got one player. Oh, he's in America as well. He's trying to find a Jewish dwarf,

a Chinese Jewish dwarf league. in the States. Yeah. Wow. I just think it'd be nicer if everyone could play. Build it, they will come. Yeah.

I imagine that is. If every protected class just had their own league. And by the way, if they're elite, they still get to go to the real one. No.

They still get to go to the real NFL. Why? You think the dwarfs should be playing against like the bills? If they're good enough. They're good enough

against other small people. Okay, should they do well in that league, in the little person league, And then they go, well, not to be confused with Little League, which is children, isn't it? Mm-hmm. So the little person league...

Is there a little little league? Because actually established last week, there are little little people. Hang on to Carl. If they are good enough, they'll make the league. Also, the De-Lyman of all fucking six foot seven, but I can't get down quick enough.

You might be a really good tactic. Welcome, Josh. Welcome in, Josh. We're just talking about a racial segregation sports world. No, not segregation. It's opening the gates. Yeah. The gates are closed.

not enough to use in the NFL, so we're going to give them their own league, and then the absolute, let's say the best six of them, get a trial for the Washington commanders. Nailed it. Really unlikely franchise to pick at that point. I think it's a really, it is absolutely racial segregation, Carl. No, it's segregation, but what he's saying is people who wouldn't usually get a...

It's positive. Dwarves on a race. Right. Also, we're only segregating the sport and thing. So when it comes to like, you know, the summer camp at the end of the year where the winners of the Jewish League play, the winners of the Dwarf League

and the winners of, you know, the half black, half Chinese mixed race league. Wow. When they all are in the finals together, then we go right, all the Jewish guys, you're not sharing bunk beds.

Mr. Wanowitz, you're going to say, you're going to have the top bunk and Raymond Ling is going to be on the bunk below you. It's positive. It's bringing people together. Yeah. My worry is,

worry is that a lot of D2 failed sort of NFL players at college level will see that they're not going to get, make the NFL and like convert to Judaism. No, but you have to be... No, you have to be a ethnic Jew. Born in. You have to be an ethnic Jew for the Jewish

League. Apart from the failed NFL player convert to Judaism League, which would be its own thing. They check when you first bought you that. And if it was in the last five years, you don't get in. Yeah. Quality. They'll be rested on a Saturday. That's great. There's a college basketball player

that has the... Ringlets. Ringlets. Yeah. And he's, yeah, he's bawling out. I love the little guy. Do you remember Bugsy Mokes? Bugsy Mowg's.

Was it Bugsy Mowg's? Yeah. He was like five foot. In my head he was three foot eight. Is he bumpy Johnson's way? He's all these new characters, man. He played for the Charlotte Hornets in the 90s. Mugsy Bokesy Bokes.

Sorry. What did I call him? Bugsy Mokesy Mokes. Well, it's funny, isn't it? Because everyone thinks stuff. All the NBA, Well, everyone's like, yeah, Steph Curry's small, isn't he? Because he's not, like, fucking the size.

He's still like a giant man. What is he, 6-3? Yeah, he's still huge just because he's not as big as, you know. He's not a giant man. He's just a tall man. If he came in here, he's got, he's big, isn't he? No, it's the same height as Jack, Finn. Hang on, can we get a...

Jack isn't 6-3? He's not far or far. Yeah, it's a couple of inches off here, but he's not 6-3. Height of whom? Steph Curry's like, what? I think Jack might be 6-2. Steph Curry is... 6-foot 2.

Oh, is the same way? He's not a giant, man. We call Jack a giant, don't we? Yeah. He's just not a giant in a room of giants. Who, you're back for the other there? Steph Curry or Jack, genuinely, Jack. For the other.

Yeah, Jack. Because you can lean on him. But that Wemby guy, he's big, isn't he? If you've noticed. He's like 11 foot. It's weird. They've seen his legs. His are, he's 7 foot 4.

His arms, like, he can touch his toes, like, he can touch his toes, not bending over. It's like tickles his own feet. I can tick him on my own feet. No, but not stud up. No, no, it's true. And he's technically very good. Yeah, which is rare

because usually they, like, their bodies are generally... He's like a piece of couch of basketball. Bugsy Moked, but he's like... He towers over big... He's one of the best players in the league, though, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bugsy Mokes.

Bugsy Mose was 5'3. In the NBA? Yes! Yeah, but people were smaller back then. It was like, Jesus time, does it? Like, nice. 1995. That is insane.

Yeah. He'd be the smallest man in this room. I mean, he played against Shaq. Did he? What did he do against Shaq? Bhand to his legs. So he was with Manute Bartle, who was seven foot seven.

They played together. I'll slide it in. But like that's the thing. What was his job? He's point guard. So it's a lot of passing. Steph Curry's a point guard. And he's like,

he must have been so good. He's pretty good. I reckon like pound for pound inch for inch. It might be the best ever. Who was white, Chocolate. Me. Adam Roll, 1985.

Because a player from the 90s that was so good. He's something Williams. Jason Williams. Jason Williams and he was so silky. Yeah. And he was called wide chocolate. And spoke like a brer. He's great in interviews.

You could tell he was from a poor white family and liked playing basketball. And just was like, you know, all I do is play basketball. And these guys are well better than everyone else. So just played with all the black. Just all his mates. Black, he speaks, like, he's worth, I bet his career earnings are like $80 million. He's a very wealthy man, but still speaks like, bruh. Do you know who white mamba is?

So you know where Kobe's called Black Mamba? Yeah. RIP. There's a white ginger fella who calls himself white Mamba. And to be honest with you, by NBA standards, he's shite. He's half shite. Oh, yeah, Brian Scalabrini. And he calls himself White Mamba.

He's like, because it's not as dangerous as, a black member but you know he's just kind of like just a chill snake he's just there when you need him like he's just around and he's still a snake he's still part of the mamba family and he says this himself in and too he goes now look he goes i'm on the team he's like yeah i suck compared to the best guys in the league but i'm so much closer to them than you are to me he's saying to like the interviewers and he goes and by the end of my career you know i was in the squad that won an an NBA championship. So I've got a ring

and you can't take that away from me. And in a few years, I'll tell me kids, yeah, no, I was starting. And a few years after that, I'll tell them maybe I was the MVP. And by the end of it, I'm going to tell me grandkids that no one would have ever won the trophy

if I wasn't in the team. And I just get to choose it because in 30 years, you'll all forget the actual story and I just make me own one up. He's class. Like, no one can pull his stats up. He looks like Ray Bradshaw,

genuinely. He challenges people to play one-on-one against him. just to prove that he's miles better than just the other. Isn't that what happens with basketball? Because you need, you can win a title with three excellent players. Yeah. Didn't like,

was it the Miami Heat? At one point had Dwayne, LeBronan. Bosch. Big John Bosch. And they got all the wages. And the rest of the guys were on close to like league minimum. What happened to the Bulls,

didn't it? Like some of them were getting paid fucking notting. But they were winning everything. Like Scotty Pippin. Well, Scotty Pippin's getting paid fuck off. Rodman was neck of Madonna. Yeah. It's my, because Tony Ebert's closer to, like, Pelley than we are to Tony Hibber.

I don't know about that. I'm not. I'm not using Pellet is the fucking benchmark. He's shite, but you know what I mean? Charlie Adam. Charlie Adam. Charlie Adam. Tony Abbott is closer than he is to us.

Tony Abbott is... Yeah, he's much closer. Tony Hibitt is closer to the best football than ever than we are to him. The level above the professional footballers are is frightening. Are you sure? Yeah. Are you sure Tony Hibbitt's the right example here? Yeah, he's a pretty...

If he played with us on a Monday, he would... Was he a left back? Right back. He would laugh at us, how good he would be. Yeah, but. He played the Premier League in his whole career. Peleard laughing him. Yeah, but he's still closer to him than we are to him.

Yeah. The worst Premier League football you know is, is with absolutely laugh at a lot of us. Like, technically, what is he doing? What was his game? Because I don't remember. It was just like a solid fullback who just defended. And even that's a bit of a stretch. Yeah.

So in the history of right back, goes, Kathu, Zanetti, Hibbert, yeah? No. I mean, if they're the only three you list, then that is the order you'd put them in. Like Titus Bramble. The Titus Bramble played there isn't a Monday. He would absolutely run ring round.

I don't know, because he's coaching in Pakistan at the minute, so the jet lag might fuck him, and then he'd get megged mead. Does you know the whereabouts of Titus Bramble? On your business? And if you have no interest in football and you've never heard the name, that is a real football player called Titus Bramble.

Yeah. He's bad footballer. He was a great footballer. Is he coaching the Pakistan national team? Have you ever played football before then? Brambles in Pakistan. He is. He's the assistant manager from Pakistan.

Oh, he's not even the manager! I didn't say that. I said he's coaching. Yeah, you were right. Why did you know that? Have you ever played the PAL? We keep in touch, one. Yeah, no, Powell used to come and play, like,

I remember we played knockout once, and he came, and he could only walk because he was on Reab, and he just fucking... Harry's best mate is a... professional footballer that was in the Liverpool Academy and now it's Swindon. He lost three teeth at the weekend. Football related or?

Yeah, got elbows. Oreos. Oreos? Yeah. Loads. Why are you biting them? They crumble immediately. Are we at loads?

I don't want any more people that I know to become professional footballers because it's making checking the BBC sport app annoying. And I have to check how Swindon are doing and if Powell got a game. And my mate Kev Blan's son is playing for Barnsley so I have to check it if he got a game. Yeah, that's cool. I don't want any more admin.

So if I get off of the contract at, like, you want me to turn it down so that you don't check the app? No, I want you to take the contract off. We'll make it work around the podcast. You can just text you. What's go? What's the other one?

Sorry, lads. We're going to have to record the exclusive later. I am training with Bradford City. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put me in the hole, man, number 10. You fucking banged it in, bro? I don't think they'll talk like that. Have you got to a simile?

What? You go to a simile. No, that was a man in the crowd, talking about the girls. goal I just go. He fucking banged it in, bro. Go on Adam, bro. If you're worried, that was a white man in the crowd.

They call him white chocolate on the stands at Bradford City. Dan, when you play football, because you must have played at some point being, you know, an English man. Did you ever play football? Yeah, yeah. Does you ever play with anybody

who was at any level above, like semi-pro pro? Yeah, Lee Martinez. You the fuck's Lee Martinus? He played for England school, boys, when we were at prime school. Yeah, so that isn't even what I'm saying, but I imagine he was just like,

years out of everyone. What you said? But you didn't play with Beckham when he was on Lone of Preston for the bed? Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I should have said that as well. Lee Martinese and James Clegg and he was good. He was a right back. David Moyes played with David Beckham. Good there? Yeah. David Moyes played with David Beckham. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Where? And me. We all had to kick around.

David Moyes had turned up on that 40 and bladded us. Because David Moyes is closer to messy than I am to David Moyes. I just can't have Not an old man obviously I'm talking anybody of like physical I think he might be though you know Have you seen David Moysey At North End his team picks

He looks He looks 53 When he's 28 It's just there's something about Moise But people were paying him to play football He was that good Yeah I think he was captain money Yeah

We can't even compute But he couldn't do this Lee Martinez was You know one of those things You're like Oh yeah plays for England school boys and then he wasn't at school a bit because I think he was, I don't know

if, so what's that primary school age? Like under nines, under tens. Yeah, just a, just a piss, like he, if you were playing footy, he wouldn't play up front because it was like, yeah, you just played different positions and just, you know, when you, you can tell

that someone's just like taking the piss. Yeah, my mate, when I was growing up, Bernard, his cousin, called Andrew, and he played for Bolton. and he was just like I think he ended up playing sort of like conference or league two or whatever and if this makes him back to him

maybe he ends up in the championship I'm not entirely sure but he was so much better at Futty than everyone we played with and we weren't shit, do I mean we were all right but he was just better and annoyed like

do you know what's quite this is why people who were good at Fuddy end up making it and get where they are they can't turn it off so people who with that good when they're playing five aside with us they're treating it like they're playing for bolton and they can't not like there's just no like down switch they're competitive and they want you to

know that they're better than you there's no like sort of level below it is like yeah so do the professional just i think because of that you go right well i'll do something else in the game you know like just like almost be a beckenbauer central i just run the game from like the sweeper position. Ah, it's class to watch. What was your question? I know you're not a big

North End fan but do they take like pride? They're like, you know the small clubs you get like a star player before they go on to be a star player

like to press and have a bit of pride like oh, Bekham, he did a good little couple of games for us him. I'm sure. It's got to be. I'm sure that, I'm sure there is.

But that is such a like hacky, like bit of quiz, like footy trivia. Yeah. And I wonder if that's, Who's the lad that played for Preston that got an England cap? David,

David, Becham. David Newgant. David Nugent went to our school. I think there'd be, I think there'd be more pride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's got a great goal conversion rate for England. One in one.

Yeah, he's got the best game to goal ratio in England history. David Nugent go to. The ball was on the line. I can't remember who put it over. And he made to say to letting it go over. He kicked it and took the goal. And that was his only cap. He's one up here.

one goal. No one in England history has got a better goal to game ratio than David Nugge. Good on him. Huddersfield had John Terry for a bit. Did Luton have Harry Kane? Is that where he went?

He went late in Oregon. Did he do you go? Deney! Harry Kane was on the other team in that game. On loan at Lester? Is he really? Yeah.

It's like when Salah was on the pitcher in Gerard slip, playing for Chelsea. When you look back, you're like, that's fucking mental, yeah. Were you, when are we taking my son to footy? I feel like...

Whenever you want. I feel like I want you to be involved in the... Take him to play or what? Because Danny Matt keeps going on and you should bring him down to Chester and I'm like, I don't know if that's... Oh, to go and watch a match?

Yeah. Oh, I'll take him in the next couple of months if you want. I'll absolutely take him to live pro. Oh yeah. Don't poison them. No, it's a lovely ground. You've chose not to have children. We haven't been beat this season.

You've chose not to have children. So just let it die with you. We're the better club. They're all just like, oh, look at me. Yeah, but like, he's going to, yeah. Who would you genuinely,

what would you rather your son, supportive? Genuinely, or Liverpool? It's a permanent lifetime misery. And I'm not,

and I'm not talking as like the club, I'm talking as a person. Yeah, there is a right answer here. There is a right answer here, and we all know it.

It's not Evan. It'd be better. It'd be better if he goes in sports fucking leads. Everton, brother. You love that that's your thing.

It was like, well, listen, they've had a lot of success, but we are better people at the corner of it. Comment below your answer. Let's see what the nation says.

I'm all scoutsers. So it's not a scousting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as he doesn't support a player, like, I don't want, that's what I really don't want him to be like, well, I'm just like.

Well, none of our players are likable enough at the minute for that to happen. Same, really. So. You'll have like Pickford. Oh, actually, Jeremy Jacket. Yeah, he could become a big Jackay guy. Yeah.

Does you like jackets? He loves jackets. Oh no, you won't wear them ever. It's not going to be him. Isn't that a thing that they like Messi or Ronaldo? The Ming and kids, though? I mean... I just not want him to be a Minging kid.

It's like those kids that walk around and they've got like Al Nasser kits on. Yeah. Give him Chester then. Yeah. There's not wrong with supporting your local. It's what you should do, really. It's either your dad or your local.

No, but if you're not... I'd like him to support me. But if your dad's a glory hunting Ming, don't follow your dad. It's not Wofford? Yeah, but your dad wasn't a Ming. But my dad had nothing to do with it. my dad was a Formula One fan

and therefore a bit of a ming I would genuinely you Jack supported Chester than Evan yeah because it yeah non-le football's class as well you know all the people

of course not on that they have an achievement will ever matter but you know see who's more likable take him to Chester's ground it'll be so much better because he's got such a more of a connection with it he'll have a natural connection.

You should take him to Chester. Yeah, it'd be easier, isn't it? Yeah. And then I'll take him to the pool as well. You can take him to Chester and be like, look, this is, you see the way he nearly passed it there? And then I'll go, and, yeah, and our players are capable of making that pass. I don't think it's going to be good for my relationship with my son.

You want to come with me, to Chester, meet your dad. No, I want to live with Uncle Adam. He's got us a season ticket. I went through a period of watching Schem United, and one time Skem United's goalkeeper arrested one of the fans because he was a policeman. That's well better. That's sick. That's like EastEnders at the football.

To all the non-league fans, because I can feel you're typing. Like, you haven't listened to the last 90 seconds. You're going, it does matter. It means even more because I know. I know what you think. I know you think it matters. And that's good for you. I know it's your thing.

It's so much worse. It's my window cleaning and scored that goal. Yeah, I was in the pub with Pascal Chin Monner. He's drinking pints of orange juice. You don't get that at, like. Yeah, I don't need to. I don't need to try it to drink pints of orange juice with the manager. The acid reflux on that man must be mad.

They'd like multiple pines. Multiple cartons of orange juice. Yeah, that one. Just before we go for a break, Dan, feel my shirt. All right, Adam. Boyfriend material. That is very soft. Very soft, isn't it?

Silk. These are nice as well. Cotton. It's from the fall, winter collection from Corridor. Oh, Corridor. Hang on. Corridor. Have you seen them,

have you seen the blind guy on Instagram. He wears like snooker referee gloves. What's the snook? Is it an umpire? What's the referee? Right.

And then they go up at like car shows and his wife goes, oh, can he touch a car and, and sort of, and he's so good, he knows all the ridges of the cars. He's like, oh, it's a 1967 Chevy or whatever.

Look at him trying to prove that and fans are better than everyone. The thing is, lovely, was he always blind? I'm the same, watch, let me close my eyes. Corridor.

Was he always blind, then? Winter collection. What? Was he always blind? I think so, yeah. Because he's just basing that knowledge off what someone's told him then someone could just like to him.

Also, that's a hummer. It's like a mini. I don't know how I'd feel if I came to the car park and I was blind man, I'm wank it off me near San Michael. He didn't go. He always asks permission. He gets consent first.

Yeah. Because it's one of those car shows where they're like the hood's open this is someone's pride and joy. Is he doing it like, oh, I know what this one is? That's a, an Audi? Is that what he's trying to do?

It gets the... It's like the octopus from the World Cup. Yeah. Yeah, he's like that. All your octopus. Corridor. Winter. 26.

Winter, 20, 26. Do you ever used to be scared of corridors as a kid? What? And the corridor of uncertainty, yeah? Yeah. Did you get bombed in a corridor or something? No, we had a really long corridor in our house, and I remember distinct... In your house?

Yeah, I thought you're talking about school. Where did you live? I was like four, so maybe it was just like... Maybe it was just like the hall or whatever. Corridor? Yeah, it was... In my head it was long, but I was like four,

so like, I was... No one's gonna corridor on their house unless you're rich. Hang on. Did you move out that house at five?

Yeah, my parents split up. It was a rough time. Oh, shit, sorry. Maybe that's what you were scared of. My parents split up. Yeah. There's a lot of...

You were at the end of the corridors. No, but I don't know. It's like liminal space. Liminal spaces, I understand. But corridors, no. What's a liminal space?

We'll show you in the break. It's a space that you've never seen before, but that you instantly recognize. Like the back rooms, like, It's all a bit weird. It's like building deja vu. Kind of.

So like one of them is like, when the Hollywood bowl when we were kids, like the carpet and the fittings and stuff. That's a really common like interredy of like a Hollywood bowl.

Or like, not even just that, just like an interior of like a place in the 90s. Yeah. If you'd look at it and go, I've been there because you have, but you haven't.

It's a weird phenomenon like. But I had been there because it was in my house. So it's not a liminal place then. It just gave me the willies, man. You did get bummed. We can't know.

If you came into the limbole, just gave me the willies. I was like, we're going to go to chair. No, I never had a problem with corridors. If anything, like, I kind of like corridors because it meant

I've probably been sent out of class for being funny. Oh yeah, corridors were when you were real bad. Yeah? Studder in a window going. That's how you know you ripped it. No,

for 40 minutes in a corridor. Don't look at the window. Oh, you'll be out there with him. What effect that is? You want to go play with your mate in the corridor do you? Keep going then. Unbelievable.

Did you ever get choked out together? Oh no, you were mates when you were older, weren't you? We weren't like close until like six four minutes. And also, we would have, but we were in our beds into, we'd go to the line and get away with her.

Yeah. But if I'd get kicked out of class because I'd know when to stop. Yeah, that was a skill, wouldn't it? Yeah, I was good at her. But every now and again, I get kicked out. Also, some teachers,

you don't bother even trying to find the line because they're just, They're either really good at what they do or so scary you don't fuck with them. And then other teachers, I was like... I've just got like a proper flashbulb memory. You know, like it's really vivid, but you've never had the thought, like, for years.

And it's you. And I don't know what class we're in. It's probably Rigby. So if you walked in the door... Yeah. So like, I'll face the same as you. So you walk in the door. Yeah.

The class was like to the left. Pearson. Like... What? Pearson, Matt. Yeah. You're being a proper wind-up. I sat on the right.

Being a knobbed and you've been warned like three times, right? Yeah, you were like near the window. Yeah, yeah. So you sat next to one, son. You've been warned like three or four times. What bus did you get in the morning? No, my fault. I don't know whether you're like throwing balls or passing notes or just being a knobbed.

Throwing balls. And she warned you multiple times and then went right, get out. And I've just had the picture of your face. And you know, like when a player's like gone in studs up at someone's knee and then they're like... And I can picture you're going, me! Yeah, that's me.

The guy who's been warned four times in six minutes. Four warning. So you got a no pace and sat next to Antoine down on the right, I remember. A class vividly, bit of a scary class. Horned. When you were out in the corridor, did you shoot yourself a little bit? No, it was least like year 11. We think either went home ever could.

She kind of liked me because I was good at maths and I was in the chess club, but she ran. So I was like a cool guy to her. And the rest of them. Yes. Adam was walking. She'd go.

Oh, are we last? Bring our shit down, bro. Did you ever use to play the stand-up game where it was last one to sit down one? You had to stay stood up for as long as possible. So they'd do the register. But being German, like, all stood up around the class.

And a lad called, sunny one because he basically he hid in like the in the cupboards and when the teacher came to go get textbooks he was like behind the wall he got to set out I get it yeah it was a fun game

yeah we did last like last clap I'd put a pencil on the floor and put me foot over it and sign like there's an earthquake happening one of my favour to no hairs class that last clap was good last clap was unbelievable just we play the inside seven lads just absolutely hammering it a little bit too long and then the

before you get bollered. The last random. Time for a break, by the way, if you're wondering, where's Finn? Is he gone forever? No, he's gone to take his

and check on his nans tit and he'll be back next week. They're still massive. He tagged me. Wow. Wow. We have got some advice to give. Feeling particularly responsive.

I'll solve your problems. I'll tell you the best thing to do. If you want to do it, you'll be fine. If you don't, you might be stupid. That's a bit. That bumpy Johnson. This is from an anonymous lady. Hi Lids, I need some advice.

About a year ago, my husband found his old skateboard that had been sat in the shed, collecting dust for God knows how long. He started trying to ride it again in the garden, and I thought it was nice that he had a hobby. Even if I felt he's a bit too old for him. it. However, last month, he started filming his skateboarding and has been uploading the videos to YouTube, putting up guides on how to kickflip and jump up the skateboard, ETC. I know it's harmless,

but I find it a massive ick that he thinks he's going to make it big as some online skateboarder at the age of 40. The worst thing is, he's struggling to land half the tricks, but he's still uploading them. Should I say something to him, or is this an acceptable midlife crisis? It's not a midlife crisis You're just trying to like have a hobby Why can't women let men have fun online man Don't be making anything online You as a man you should be out in the minds

See that video this week Yes Yeah You should be in the minds Making money so I can buy handbags Can you making fucking videos There's a lot of subtext that I didn't I didn't get

There was a video that went viral this week From a girl Is she Scouse as well She is yeah And she she's like Do you know what gives me the heck Men doing videos for like TikTok and Instagram

Just fucking stop it in does she say something like that's for women and gays? She says it. She said, Elon Musk said that's for women in the gays, which she echoes, yeah. So there's been a lot of, like, male content creators who've, like,

stitched and replied to that video being like, oh, it's all over boys because this one fucking lunatic I said that we can't do it. But this is the same sort of thing, isn't it? It's the... It's living at live. Oh, me fellas doing something

that isn't getting bevied with his mates. I ate it. I also ate when he gets bevied with his mates or sits around doing nothing. Just let them off. I don't know, boys. Skateboarding at 40, not doing it well, and then starting a YouTube to upload your shit.

Nah, fucking let them do it. That's cute. What if she starts a makeup tutorial YouTube? It's not like a slighting at me. I don't think it's a... It's not an equivalent. It is an equivalent? It is.

What, if she's fucking missing her, like, eye, eyeball. Get your eyeball makeup on? Oh, yeah. I'm just going to do me eyeball makeup. The thing is, love, there is a, big gap in the market because no one's doing eyeball makeup, so how? It's weeping!

Is there anything Laura could start putting on the internet that you'd be, obviously, let's not go down the obvious route of getting a pussy out on Onlyfans. I'm talking like, is there any sort of... Let's play some council tax. If Laura started like her channel and she was showing everyone how to cook a really good balty

or whatever. Right? Can't she? Acceptable. Acceptable. I would go, hey, you want to want to do some stuff? Great. She got herself a yo-yo-emus trying to do all the chips.

Now, I'm less impressed. I'm less happy. What if she was cooking a balty with yo-yo's? Again, more interested. I don't know why that took it up to... One of her channel was called Yo-Yo-Balti-Gogo. Again, I kind of like it.

I think it's playful work-played. But I'll be honest, she is not capable of, so you've been helping her. Yo-Yo-Balti-Go-Go. No, I'm starting to feel like this is getting traction. He's like, now you need to add the cumin. Knock in the baby.

Is the cumin in baltie? You can certainly put a cumin, a cumin, a cumin pinch. A cumin? One cumin in there, please. Humans love cumin. One pinch. You could definitely,

even if there's not cumin in a traditional baltie, I would say adding cumin to a baltie won't de-bolty it'll just make it more cumin eat as a boli. Also, I'll tell you what about Future Laura with her yo-yo-based baltie channel. She takes risks with cumin. Yo-yo, it's love. to cook and the Balti, go, go.

Oh, so she does a black American voice. No, no. Oh, no. Yo, what's that, then? I got a motherfucking yo-yo. I'm here making balty. Cultural appropriation and I have, what? This sounds like my wife.

It's great, because after seven years of doing this podcast, you know her so well that you know her character traits, and you know she's like that. She loves doing a black-American voice. She and how he just made a joke together? Should we say it together? Right, go. I said Baltimore.

Is there like a second channel? She's black. What if she was a professional eater? Of cock. Of cock. Again. I think there's a professional leader who might want to come on the pod.

Is the fellow with a beard? Now it's a woman. Sick. Is it a woman with a beard? She's off dogs. Yeah, is there nothing... You throw it out to me. I'm saying the Balti Channel,

I'm actually encouraging it. It sounds good. Beatboxing, I'm slightly discouraging. Why do you care, though? Because you can't do it, Carl. No, but why not? What if that's the channel? So forget beatboxing

because I don't think anyone really likes beatboxing. I know. I know someone who does. But maybe like, I don't know, Taekwondo, let's say she's like, I'm going to get into Taekwondo

and I'm going to document my journey. So episode one's going to be, is me trying to do Taekwondo with no lessons. Then she goes for one lesson. Episode two is, airs me doing Taekwondo after one lesson. And then, you know, you get to episode 700,

and she's like, fuck off, lad. 700. Yeah? So she's an absolute Taekwondo weapon. Is she doing a black? 14 years. years. If she does one a week.

Yeah, and she was one of the best. And everyone's like, oh yeah, that's Taekwondo, Laura. She used to have Yo-Yo Balty-Gogo, but she changed it. Obviously, it blew up. Yo-go. Yo-Yo balty-go. Is she doing yo-yo's at any point in the Ta-Quando? I don't know.

You can't yo-yo and taekwondo. Ta-W-Yo. Great stuff. Again, I am encouraging it. So far, you're not, I think a 40-year-old man, not being able to do a kick-flip, recording it, posting it. Even I'm like, bro.

What if Laura went, I want to be one of them people who tries to solve crimes on TikTok? I mean, she's already doing that. Because she's a woman with TikTok. No, but a girl went missing and she's like, I'm going to find this girl. And then she's like, I think the girl's in the woods

and then they make videos, don't they? I think that's how you get yourself prosecuted for disappearing a woman into the woods, isn't it? No, I've not seen all these, like, internet sleuths who time for, I mean, sometimes they actually do. I've seen a lot of the Clancy trial that all women are like fascinated, by but I haven't ever

I don't know, I didn't realize there was like a someone's got missing and then a mum of two is at home going probably in the world, see you later. Yeah. You know where Amy Bradley is? The boat woman. Yeah. There's people now trying to solve that on TikTok. She went missing about 25 years ago. Yeah, they're all lunatics.

Yeah. But that's what I'm saying. If Laura tried to become like an internet detective. Yeah, I'm more, I'm more into yo-yo, baltigogo. Because I get a free tea. Is there anything? You could do or would potentially have any interest in, that she'd be like, Dan, come on, mate.

Where I'm actually recording it and putting it online. Yeah, but, like, I kind of understand what she's saying, like, even when he's not getting the trick race, he's still uploading it. But, you know, we've got to this world where everything posts on social media is, like, the end results and the perfection. I think it's quite good that someone's actually documenting the trials and tribulations of skateboarding. I am thinking about getting some rollerblades.

There you go. Can you roll a blade? No. Perfect. Episode one, I can't roll a blade. I think it says a lot about the state of British rollerblading that a really good pair of rollerblades is about 29 quid on eBay.

Yeah, we've bought you some. Have you seen those people that go around and roll a blade in gangs? What? Like at Roller Rings. It'll be like about like eight men and they all do the same. Dance all around.

Yes, yes, yes. Gangs? That's the word? And then they get off and kiss all the women. You said, oh, I thought you said, Rollerblade in gangs. Yeah, they're like, I meant gangs as in like a chain gang. Not like a gang as in like a...

A gang. Yeah. A chain gang. Like a dance troupe. Yeah, they're like a little posse. A little dance posse. But they also do run... But they're all in time as they go around.

They run the ring. Men can have hobbies. Ladd, if I start uploading, rollerblading content, don't sit here now going, Lads, we'll support you. You'll be interesting to see the gym. I'd laugh at you. And they'll also support you.

I don't need to make fun of you behind your back. Yeah. but I think that's what she thinks is happening to her fella Maybe it is, but he's a house One of the people is he's having fun Honestly, like, it's piss me off to speak When everyone's like, no, you can't do that

And I'm gonna do what the fuck he wants And I'm the first person to go, don't drink in it, she had a cuns Ignore me, I'm a cunt as well Yeah, he is. Do you know I've got a theory about the word posse by the way? Here we go. Genuinely, thought is for a while. I think it sounds

Like a homophobic slay a little bit. What I mean? Like a posse. Like a man pussy. Like a group of pussies. Yeah. Right.

And I think one gang like got word to another gang. Tell them we're all calling like groups of us possees and then they'll start calling themselves a little posse. Right. And then that calls on with them.

They're like, ah, look at these gays over here being a bunch of possees. Yeah, but you're a posse as well. Nah, we're a mob. Fucking prick. Mob's a good word. But then, yeah.

But that's the antithetitist. antithithesis of it, isn't it? Mob is like, we're in the fucking mob. That's, fuck off. We're a posse. It just feels a little bit. You know what I mean? Yeah, if the mafia's ended up

was a posse. I think one group was hudd-winked into that. But then another group accidentally overheard about it was like, yeah, we're a posse too, but they were quite hard. Then everyone just was like, yeah. Has there ever been a hard posse though? Oh, in the Wild West, mate.

Back in the old Western days, you got a posse together. Everyone's fucking packing heat? Yeah. Posse I associate with like straight out of Compton. They're all possees, aren't he? No, that's a gang to me. A posse to me is like a dance troupe. No, it's not, though.

Possies click. Do I mean, possees like, if you see them in the way, they don't. Possy is like... Hey, we're a posse, we're a posse. Do do, do, do you? Like, that's a posse. Posse is like an African-American self-usage term.

What? Is it? No, it's a fucking 19th century thing. You're getting a pussy together. We're getting a posy to round up the cows. Yeah. Like rawhide? It refers to sit.

Citizens gathered by a sheriff in emergencies or the Old West to track down fugitives. Oh, I just think I've seen it in a film going, Hey, yo, posse. Get your old posse to come to my posse and we'll have a posse half. Sounds good. I can't remember what film was. It's a gay porn.

Is that straight out of Compton? We'll have a passie half. I'm shug-knit. The Parsi. Hey, Drey! Do you want to thought a Pathy? Yeah, I... Let's do it.

Straight on a Compton. Maybe my 30s without foundation, then. Because it sounds like, posse is a... is shit word but a group of what they think are cool They're the karl smuggler If I turn up like

Hey we're a puffy We're a posse Yeah We're a posse Yeah no come on There's a gang of us Gang of us coming in the booze Are they're right

If I went There's a posse of us They're not letting us in Yeah There's a mob of us Yeah there's a fucking big mob of us Like It's a big posse of us

Oh I'm going shooting Saturday morning You know my next door neighbor Who we're not friends with Shooting him I'm going shooting him We just decided to have it

out. Hang on. Are you actually going with him? No. He we don't acknowledge each other's existence anymore. Is it Sky Rock as him flying? Why have you mentioned him then? His son and I are going shooting. Oh his son who's not the he flies? Yeah

Josh. Are you fly shooting? Oh no, they're two of his hobbies but he keeps them set. I think he keeps them separate. I don't think he flies above the village and shoots people. He good murder. So we're going down the gun range on Saturday morning. do there if you just fucking blew a few people's heads off

and they just fucked off. Most people do that? No, but in your own one-man flying suit? I think they go. Should we follow him until he lands? It's been a murder! But it's a sky murder. It's clever. There's no law in the sky. International skies.

Sorry. International waters, there's no law. Is there it up to the captain of this year? So if you're in the air, yeah. Like how far above the ground can you kill someone? Is there law in the sky. So you're 100 metres above a village in Cheshire.

You shoot at people, kill them. And you're like, If I made someone on a plane, or if someone murdered someone on a plane, what country do you get prosecuted? Where it's where it's London. Where it's London. I think it's where it's London.

So if you take off from here, but you fly to a country where murder's not that bad. 62 miles up is like outer space. So if you kill someone on the moon? Huh? We've you killed someone or the moon police are going to get you? Done.

There are no police on the moon, Colin. Correct. I think you know that. That you know of. But that's... Oh. We don't know for sure because no one's ever seen the dark side of the moon.

That could be just big a busy station. Yeah. No, but like... Fucking moon pig scum. Of course they'll be on the dark side of the moon. We've unraveled it. Um... No one's...

Like, we don't see the dark side of the moon from Earth. Ever, no. So it's possible. Not, I'm not going to say it's likely, but it's possible that when they went to the moon, allegedly, they took up like a few, like a couple of families and like, go and populate the dark side of the moon.

The back of it, yeah. Fabs, that, isn't it? What? Frabbs, isn't her? Eskimos. I just left him a coat also. So Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin got up there. Any other one.

And then shooed off a few families. They probably didn't do the shoeing because they were too busy going look over the air. Don't look at it. One small step for man. Start a police station. No, they turned the cameras on after they'd moved them. They'd already been there two days before they did that video.

The camera was there to watch the shuttle land. Yeah, we put that camera there. We put that shuttle land in there. Yeah, we put that camera there a while ago. Do you not believe it happened at all? I'm not joking, aren't you? You fucking joking? I feel like we talk about this constantly,

but oh yeah, we went to the... moon. We put our flag up there. We filmed the shuttle landing. They had a little walk around. They came back, but oh, we've deleted all the technology. We forgot how to go back. We forgot out to go back several times. Someone played golf on the moon? We can't go now. What?

Someone played golf on the moon? Or is he played golf? They went back loads, didn't they? In that first five years? We can't go now. They forgot how to go. We are not capable of going now. Recently, they only orbited because they don't know to lander. They've deleted the file. Genuinely.

They've deleted all the documents. and we are not capable of going to the moon right now. No humans cannot land on the moon right now. Is that not like alarm bells to you? That is alarm bells. That is alarm bells. Yeah, we went in the 60s. I'm going to keep records from the 1970s.

This calculates is more powerful than that fucking shuttle, is it? I'm like boobs on it, you can't go to the moon. That's good reasoning. There's more powerfulness in this torch than the thing that went to moon. Bullocks. Powerfulness. Power.

Powerfulness. Powerfulness. Has a woman ever been to the moon? Got how upset that I hope that's. Just to keep him safe. It's quite dangerous. Oh, right. I just needed a bit of clarification on that.

Of course. Dogs have been the moon. Jono says, need some advice from the lids. I've been doing the dating apps thing for nearly a year. Not just dating for the sake of it. I would actually like to meet someone, which means I end up having a few dates with someone trying to do things properly.

Problem is these dates are costing me a fortune. I live in London. London? So we go into town, have dinner, a few drinks, et cetera, but by the end of the night, I'm down like 150 quid. The last two girls I dated, never offered to pay for any of it.

It just feels like a bit of a piss stake. And how comfortable they are having everything paid for makes me lose interest. Am I just being a tight cunt here? Or is this just part of the dating game? Any advice, welcome? That's from Jono.

I think it's very natural for... If you're going on dates that are going nowhere, and you're paying for them all, eventually you're going to be like, why am I fucking doing this? Like, I understand that you're going to feel that way. But it sounds like the reason they're going nowhere is because you're doing that,

because you're getting frustrated with the fact they're not often to pay. But, I mean, you know. You pay for everything? If you invite them, if I go, I'm taking us to X restaurants, you are paying for that restaurant bill. Are you on?

Are you paying for absolutely everything? Is this just the norm? Look, because then they might go, oh, after that, we can go to Crazy Golf and then maybe they get that or half that. But if I go, I'm taking you there. I think John O's complaint is that all of the day, dinner and then drinks afterwards,

wherever they go in, they're like, yeah, yeah, you'll pay for it. I mean, look, this is a very divisive thing, isn't it? And there's going to be a lot of people in the comments who go, no, it should be split, no, it should be this, no, it should be whatever. Maybe this is old-fashioned,

maybe it's rooted in misogyny, maybe it's whatever. I have always, always if it's a first date I'm going to at least intend to and offer and expect to pay for the whole thing I think it's a bit of a like an allegory for what your relationship's going to be

so a lot of girls this isn't heavily done want a man to look after them and them to feel safe and if you're on the first couple of dates you provide them and go listen like I this is what I do it's kind of showing the man you are rather than go we should laugh this I also don't necessarily agree with that I think you can pay for the first date maybe in the first few dates.

And then, you know, if you've done that a few times, I think then I've, you know, I've had, what, four serious relationships in me, adult life, I suppose you'd say. But in the sort of gaps where I've been single, there's been a few girls that have been on a couple of dates with they've just sort of gone nowhere. And sometimes, you know, I've paid for the first, second, maybe the third. And then the girl's gone, this is on me tonight.

Like, I'm absolutely getting it. You've got the first two. I'm paying for this. And, you know, I'll resist a little bit. I'll be like, you don't need to do that. You know, I just feel like a bit of, and whatever. Sometimes people just, they, like, there's an interview with 50 cent

where he gets asked who pays on the first days and he goes, what you just said, whoever's idea it was to go on the date. If I ask you on a date, if you ask you to go on a date, you're paying for it. I'm telling you right now. Fair enough, date one, you're trying to be, you're trying to show some attempt at chivalry.

That's fine. I think at date two, so you go meet and go for dinner and then you go somewhere else for drinks. On date two, I would like... I get it, you're like, well, this is the intent. I want to look after you. Like, are we both working?

Are you... Have you got a job? I would love it if the girl was like, hey, you pay for dinner, can I get this round? Yeah, and most will do that. Most will do that. The norm. That, it probably is the norm.

That Nigerian girl that I want to date with, didn't do that. Not until they were being Nigerian. No, that's just how I identified her. She was from Lagos. But she was like a proper peanut collada guzzler. And then... She was a gay man.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. She kept on having... No, no, no. There is no way of that that is in a slayer. No, no, no, no. Are you insane? That's not racial.

I didn't say it's racial. Harry? It feels it. Gorsler of any is bad. No, because she had loads of them. And then I was... Hang on. Put a number of.

on the peanut colladas that my gal drank. So she'd had four pinacolars. You can't have four peanut cladres. She'd have four peanut cladders. And on the fifth one, I was like, or maybe it was the fourth, but I was like, do you want another drink? No.

Yes, another pina calade, please. And I went, do you want to get this one? Because I bought the Chinese. Also, we'd gone to Manchester, which I thought was mad, and we were both from Wigan. So we all expect that. You can't quite in Wiggin.

No way, those peanut colladas and Wigan. Well, we were an expensive hotel, like, bar, because she didn't want to go to a normal bar. And then she'd have, like, multiple rounds of pinocaladas. And then I went, do you want to get this round? And she went, oh, no, I don't want to drink them. So then I just got the bus. I got her, the bus and got her the train.

I just was like, I'll be done then. She should have got your bus. Yeah, she should pay my bus fare. I'll have a fifth peanut caledada. What, am I paying for it? Send me on. Yeah. It's great.

At least she's got a true. I've not got an unlimited pinacolada budget. No, look. She's stinking. She is, she's taking the piss a little bit there. Now here's the thing, like, you know, there's been different stages of my life where I've had a bit more money or I've had a bit less money.

And certainly when I was first starting up and stand up, I was skint and I would like take a girl out for a couple of drinks and you can only do what you can do. And I understand being in this situation, especially living in London and things are expensive. But there is going to be a lot of girls who expect this, especially on the first date. And I don't think you should necessarily let that put,

off every girl that expects her. Because just because she expects it on a first date, I think a lot of pretty liberal and generous women will expect this on the first date and then might treat you on the second third or whatever. I think... I think that's what John was saying. Like a couple

of dates and they're like, yeah, yeah, you're still paying. These aren't the right girls for him then. He is just we're the ones he doesn't like, unfortunately. I went on a couple of dates when I went into Manchester and the girl was like, no, no, no, you're not paying, we're paying. I was like, this feels great, mate. Yeah, exactly. And then some men will want pay for it all and it's like this is my kind of girl

this is what we're connecting some men want the other thing he's just not connecting with these girls because they want different things put it in your profile you're not you got but then you don't put I'm not saying put a warn and like hey I expect but especially on hinge you can put prompts and one of the prompts that's like default is who pays on the first date and you can literally put in it um first date's on me but we're

split in the second ha ha you can literally you can literally like put that in there and that will literally You set your stall out there. I would love to come away from that date, one of the first dates, and be like, I've basically paid for like two-thirds of that date or three-quarters of it.

Do you know what I think is a really good, nice rule and it keeps chivalry alive whilst also giving women the independence they claim to want, right? Claim as so unnecessary. First date on the man, second date, split it, third date, your truth.

girl pays for the third date if you get that far buy me a fucking butsy girl yeah and a Coke I suppose it matters where you're going as well if I invite you out and I'm saying like first day I'm going big bollocks because I'm trying to show off great restaurant and I'm taking to like fucking

hawksmour and getting you like a steve special it's like seven and a half good on I can't go but half a nis because you'd be like well I didn't want to go here you invited me yeah I get it you you're asking someone out on a date and you're organising it you want to but after that you're not really

after that you're arranging dates together, aren't you? It's a tough one. I want to see a bit of intent. You know? Because that's the kind of person you're looking for? Well, it's not, though, Carl, because I pay for absolutely every bit of my family's existence. I don't know why it's important.

Did she get any? I can't remember. I imagine, because that's what you like. She'll have gone, fuck off, I'll get this and you've got asses. I know. I think what she said was, you covered the date. I'll just gosh you off. And I was like, great.

That's the kind of girl I'm looking for. There you go. Me and Ellie had a date about a month into us actually being together. And I'd bought all of the... Peerical others. I'd bought all of the drinks throughout the night, all of the cocktails or whatever. And she was on it all like mad cocktails. And then at the end of the night, she wants the Taco Bell.

And I didn't want anything. She was like, no, no, you've got to eat something. And I was like, okay, get me just a portion of chips. And she went, okay, I'll get the Taco Bell and you get the Taxiome then. Which I think's bang out of order. Because that's like a pound thing. for fucking chips from Taco Bell. Because you didn't ask, what have you wanted a full meal?

No, but I'll get the Taco Bell. No, in full well, she's paying like a pound for chips for me. But she offered you it? You didn't want it? I don't think she would have offered if I'd gone, yeah, I want this full meal. She would go, okay, you get the Taco Bell on the time. That is your, it's in your head. I don't know.

I'm fucking tired to her now, so. Was that two years ago? Yeah, two, three years ago. Yeah, but good time to bring it up on a, no, but Harry brought it up the next day. And it was it your first, like, Do you know what? Dispute.

It was more so in the, in the taxi home. I was like, oh, that's a bit minging. Oh, no. I didn't say that was, but I was like, she could tell that I was a bit, and she was blad than I wasn't. And you can't, you cannot hide when you're... I also, do you know, I think, yeah, you really can't hide.

I was hungry as well because I'd only had chips. But also, I think most stuff like this, especially in that situation, can normally be handled. by making a joke out of it and really controlling your tone. So in tackle bell or whatever you were,

if you'd have gone, fuck off, I've just paid for all the drinks. You can get the tacklebell and the taxi. She'd have probably gone, yeah, you know what, that's fair enough.

It's the fact you let it, let that settle and then when this is bollocks. That's what ruins it. I kind of led in with the, bloody hell, I've paid for all the drinks. Do you think I'm right? But she's from...

What it is? I just imagine Harry doing it. She's from Boutel, so she's like, I'll fucking choke you out if you don't get that. a taxi. I fucking burst you.

You get two ways out, don't you? If she goes, fuck off, you go, I'll enjoy it. And if she goes, yeah, you go, you're giving yourself both lanes then, aren't you? Yeah, if you're just a bit sarcastic, can be like, no, I'll just pay for everything. If you got a bit of, like,

confidence, a bit of bollocks about you, like, I don't have, I don't have any bollocks. Unix smooth down there. Feels like a break. Wow! Ladies and gents, one of the best comics that we've had

on this couch, a fucking phenom. Mr Chris Cannes here! Welcome back with her. Cheers, thanks a million. Good to be here. You're all good? I'm great now, yeah. Is your mum calling you Christopher?

Yes. She does. Still to this day, calls me Christopher. And wouldn't leave me... I had a show named Christy doesn't live here years ago because if my pals

knocked in and said, is Christy there? She'd say, Christy doesn't live here and just closed her in your face. Did your friends shorten Christopher to Christy? Yeah. Isn't that the name of like a woman? Christy Moore. No, I suppose, yeah. I was thinking of the boxer, Sydney Sweeney played.

I thought you were going for a my left foot reference. Never seen it? No, it's a great movie. Lymphord, the George Best Film? What? Linford Christie. Now that had been good nickname if they started calling him Linford from there. Because he is fast. We know that about Chris Kent. Rapid, mate.

Pleasure to have you, mate. It's been two years or so since you've been. on. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Has it? I, I am, yeah. We've lost all track of time here. Shultz is three years ago. I just don't know. It could be. I believe that, but I don't believe he was two years ago. I'm going to have a little search. Search of room. Yeah, make sure we get this right. Chris Kemp was last here in May 24. So two and a bit years. Two and a bit. Wow. What have you been up to? Do you know what? Not a lot now that I think of two years. I've done loads like two, two and a half years have passed. Here's how it seems from following you on the internet that you've in the two and a bit years

done 9,722 gigs on eight Irish tours. That's how intimidating the graphics for your tours are. They are so comprehensive. It makes me feel lazy every time you promote any sort of role. Well, I think what you're doing is you're just making sure that isn't a single person in Ireland who doesn't have a gig within a four minute walker than I'm. Oh, yeah.

I go to the people. The people don't need to come to me. I'll be doing a show near you. Trust me. Trust me. Am I doing y'all? Yes, two nights. Nobody does y'all.

I'm doing two nights and y'all. I'm pretty sure there was someone years ago who, you know, like, how comedy sort of ebbs and flows, don't it? And there was a moment where people started getting, like, being able to tour off TV. And, like, then people started to get the old little bit online. And I think there was a few circus comics in the UK who sort of spotted Oangone.

This is bad news for me. because people are starting to sell tickets who've been going for a few years and I've been doing this 20 and I'm not being able to do that. Sounds familiar. Keep going. And they were like,

I will come and do a gig in your house. You can advise as many people as you want. I'll come to your back garden and do an hour of stand up and bring someone for like 500 quidding. In their head, they were like, I'll double me circuit fee. Yes.

And it'll be worth it for all of my integrity. I mean, that is taking it to. Like, I like the, of hustling and playing all markets, but like someone's kitchen diner is probably too specific. Did this person do that? I think they did it for a while. And then I think they ran out of, you know, customers.

I played someone's living room. A Castle Main 4X comedy competition when I was young enough and skin enough to say yes to... Castle Main 4X? Wasn't that like... It was not an imaginary beard in like the 80s? Is it? It was a very real...

beer in the 80s. And to a lesser extent, the 90s. He still a castle, he's still a man, he still got them. Almost defunct by the early naughties. And that's when they started throwing around some living room money. Castle May 4x put on this competition. Imagine. If you entered, they went to your work, got you out of work, gave you a case of, like

loads of beer, and then went round to your house. and they put on a barbecue. They had an Australian barbecue guy so you could get all your mates around and they were like, what we need is some stand-up. So in Waltonydale in Preston, I went and played this kid's living room

who's like 20 years old. His boss had gone along with it and gone, ah, yeah, you can go. And they filmed it, did some promo. I wonder if there was ever any places where they turned up and were taking Billy out of work here because he's won this competition and the boss was like, you're fucking not.

And also surely, like if he's like a surgeon or something, The 21-year-old lad The 21-year-old lad who lived in Waltony Dale in Preston He wasn't a surgeon So good But that was just one winner Who's going to finish the bypass? That was just one winner

You don't know whether someone else was a surgeon Or some other kind of important person How many come? They were running, this was everywhere Oh, is it just one? I think there was just one That's a low-end competition, isn't it? Like for one winner

Did you drink this beer? Did you drink this beer? No, I went and did 25 awkward a minute in someone's living room. And my memory is, they were all right. They were nice enough. I was 24 years old. They were 21. It was kind of all right.

And then, you know, his mum was nice to me in the kitchen and offered me a drink. That was the dressing room. Was me and his mom in the kitchen. Wow. Am I right in thinking you're not much of a booze or Chris? Up and down, up and down. I'd stop for years and then I'd drink again. I definitely drank a lot at one point.

then didn't drink anything for ages and now I've slowly come back on Castle May 4X will drag you back in there, I'm fucking hell I've been very tempted listening to the story yeah because when I come to do I come and done a couple of gigs

with you in February yes that's right yeah and the first night I remember I got a beamish just straight away I'm like you know when in Rome and like really nice food at that pub what's the pub called?

The White Horse It's fucking class you should go and do these gigs and just just just just for the stake in this place. So you've done the thing of like, right, I gig around all over the shop, but it'd be nice to have some regular, like, gigs where you're at.

Yeah, just I host it every now and again, comedy club once a month kind of, you know, like seasonal. Sometimes they don't do it for a couple of months, but it's class, yeah, very nice. While I was over there, I said to Chris, well, when you next come and do the pot, I'll put a gig on for you and we'll fucking do that.

And last week, he was like, good for the pod next week, and are we still doing the gig? And I was like, we should probably get a gig on sale. But the place we're doing the gig at tonight, Pins rooftop. We just had stuff like really last minute there, and people tend to turn up. And we've got a good little crowd coming down tonight.

It's going to be classic. Did he do Guinness and stuff? Did he do nice? There's a pub over the road that does really great Guinness. And they focus on more like American beers up there. You know, like a kind of PBR, like a Pabst blue ribbon. A bit of that going on. Nice.

But the Monroe, which is just over the road, lovely Guinness in there for your pre-show pint. Yeah, I'd love that. I might actually join you for that, actually. I'd love that. I'm not meant to be drinking before I go to San Sebastian, but that's tomorrow, so I'm basically there. That is not what the mumrose like as well,

because obviously, we haven't tried it. Shit all in it. Yeah, I've heard it's, there a lot of gun violence. A lot of gun violence, cockroaches. Yeah. I've vomited there last week, so don't go. Also, it's your first visit as well. What did you say?

A lot of what? A lot of gun violence. Gun violence. I try and discourage people from knowing about it. Okay. My dad, my dad got shot at outside our local pub, actually. Ages ago. That might be the smoothest tangent

in the halfway of history. And you know, when we booked it, we were like, his dad's probably been shot. Well, no, he didn't actually get shot. And shot at him. So it was my local pub. I grew up in like a county estate,

North Cork, Naknahini. Our local pub was called the Holly Hill Inn, also known as the Flying Bottle, make of what you will. hasn't been open for a long time. But my dad was totally innocent and everything. He was out having a smoke.

These guys got thrown out of the pub earlier in the night. He's having to smoke around the back of the pub. There were some bouncer's there. The guys came back and just shot, like, shot at the pub and shot the pub. And, you know, my dad was there with the bouncer.

He was thrown onto the ground. Nobody was hit. Sort of like, crawled up the stairs into the pub and was like a bit shook after the whole thing going, Jesus Christ. And the guy behind the bar was like, Georgie, you okay? And he was like, oh, I'm grand, Josh, I'm grand. And my dad, at the time, it was

like, Fiverr. You know, Fiverr was like, I'll have a point to Murphy's place. And the guy was like, oh, no, you're, like, you're okay. Like, you know, and then my dad was like, oh, I'll have a bottle of sats for the wife. And he was like, that's 520. Because my mother wasn't outside. So, but they built

a smoking area after that, like an enclosed smoking area. So he's the reason that the pub is closed now, but he's the reason the smoking area was done. What's your dad's name? Georgie. That should be the Georgie smoking area. area that little plaque on the wall. It really should be, yeah. I think you've been shot out. That should be your drinks all night, hey. I mean, one pint of Murphy's is a nice gesture.

I think if you get shot up by the landlord, then that's drinks all night. But like, I think he's done nice enough to give him one. Otherwise, you just set it up, wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah, you would, yeah. If I was in three beffies, I go, lad, come and shoot and miss. It bounces would be like, oh, Carl's here again. Bullets flying. Depends on the price of a bullet.

It'll have to wear it up. I love the idea as well. If the landlord's shot at you, you're definitely staying for drinks. They're free. Now, is this like agricultural, like, farmer shotguns? They're not turning up with... Hang on. I'm telling you right now,

if someone has turned up and had multiple human targets in front of them and missed all of them with a shotgun, then they've got to hand their fucking noses in as a gangster. Yeah. Oh, well, I'm sorry, they've got AK-47s in rural pool. No, they've probably got a little piece story. They do.

I would say so, yeah. No, they were just shooting the pub. They were shooting the pub. I think they were like, the guys were outside the pub. Hey, I was just shooting the pole. They were angry with that. the establishment. Or maybe they were shooting

the bouncer, but they hit the pub. And my dad happened to be next to the bunkers, you know, so yeah, thrown onto the ground. What would you shoot a pub with that?

You know how shotguns work, don't you? Shred. Oh, it's good spread. Got a good spread. Got a good spread. But yeah, like, if you,

the further away you are with a shotgun, the more chance you've got of it and what you're naming after. Yeah, that's why you, that's a pub gun, in it?

Yeah. But like, if there's multiple human targets and you've got a shotgun, you are not missing them, especially some distance. They'd get peppered up real nice. Do I mean?

Right. But if you've got a handgun, that's when you start missing. I forget. He knows so much about guns. He grew up around guns. Have you heard of Dovey? Yeah, you have, yeah.

Would you just like a sniper rifle or something? Have you ever shot a gun? Yes, a couple of times. In, um, Oh, Cambodia. AK-47 and a lot of handguns. Very, very surreal, very surreal. Machine gun?

Yeah, like, AK-407. Yeah, on a range, yeah, in, in, in, in Cambodia. We did a whole trip. We did this thing. We went to Phnom Penh in Cambodia. It was a bit grim actually. It was a kind of a whole tourist packagey type of thing. Got picked up in a tucktook. Got taken to like the killing fields, which is all very kind of grim. They're like, yeah, they killed kids over here to smash them off the trees and all that. And then they went over here and they did this and we were like, it's all a bit weird and heavy. And they see a big cabinet of

skulls. And then we went to some torture place. And then at the end, shotguns, I probably should have done it the other way around because by the time he came to shooting the guns, I wasn't in a massively good mood. Hey, this is a lad's trip, not like your honeymoon. I was with my wife. It was, it was me and my wife, yeah. It was you and your back,

you're on a cabinet of schools. Yeah, in the killing fields in Cambodia. You know, there was like a kind of a genocide there. Cameroon. Was it Paul Pot? Paul Pat, yeah. You'd have been fucked to use glasses. And you.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Everyone had to have a spoon, didn't he? What? That was the only? That was the only thing I didn't know that happened, no. Because you're mad for yogurt.

The only thing that people could have was a spoon. Okay. If you had any possessions, Kalingfields, but you allowed you spoon. Yeah. If you had anything above like GCSEs,

you were Merked for being like part of the intelligentia. A nerd. Why are we allowed spoons? I think because, I don't know. There's not a weapon, is it? But it's a useful utensil.

He's probably sick of people have musli with their hands. So you can have a spoon, but after the spoon, that's it. Yeah, he murdered millions, but everyone's got to have the Cheerios. Yeah, airport rules, no knives, no forks, sporks and spoons only. Yeah.

That's mad to do, that's like going to Auschwitz and doing Laser Quest afterwards. It was... It was... It was... It was proved the day. Yeah, objectively, with a bit of prodigy on. Yeah, I don't think anyone comes out to Laser Quest feeling more glum than they went in. That'd actually be good business, like a good business plan.

Yeah, because you all go... Put a wacky warehouse behind the camps. Yeah, not in the camps, that would be insensitive. Online reviews of Auschwitz were like, yeah, but where's the Laser Quest? Two stars. No, I know you're being sarcastic. I am.

You're right. He knows me well. That's seven years. We've got this chemistry. Hang on, Dan. But people don't know what they want until you give it to them. You know what I mean? No one knew about like, oh, I could do with Amazon Prime

until Jeff Bezos was like, there you go, toast her next day, right? Right. So like the Laser Quest at the Holocaust Memorial Place, No one's going to be like, I wish that was happening. But if you put it there, people will get to the end of it

and be like, fucking hell, that's really glum and miserable that, isn't it? And then it'll be like, right, now we've got the option. Wacky Warehouse, laser quest, chucky cheese.

Option, exactly. You don't have to. 9-11, the memorial. You're there. You're like, oh, this is sad. Water slide, added. You don't ask for permission. And then everyone's like,

that was well. Better come right around the freedom tower. What? Did your, did your missus shoot an automatic weapon? I can't remember. I think I, yeah, I think we both. I can't remember. Honestly, I can't remember. I just, I do remember shooting the AK-47. Oh, that was fucking class. Yeah. That was so cool. We didn't do AKs in Nashville, did we? I did it, P90. What's a P-90 is that? He got sucked. Small-sub machine. Twice. Small-sub machine. Good math there. P-90. I think I shot an AK-47, you, which is a shortened version of the assault rifle. And a bat of 50, Carl. And Carl's memory. And Carl's memory. of the day is that someone came over to him and went, you should probably be a green beret because no one has ever been this precise

with their shooting. I was going to win. We didn't even, we've had a whole plaque laminated. We'll put it on the wall, Carl Reglough was here. Just go on watching Nashville. Did you just get the targets and not? I'm just going to the gun, man. Yeah. I've never shot one in a person. Yeah. But, uh, you know, I've been at this pub outside. No, I think I'd have hit them. Maybe your dad wouldn't have been here to tell

a tale. That's true. Do you know the most terrifying thing about that gun range in Nashville? Yeah. Is with the first gun, I think the hangarer gun. The fella come over. There was like eight of us. And he went to me, right? So you load it like this. You put them in niche. Bang, that bang, bang, bang. That's how you do it. Have a go. I had to go. And he went, right. You know what you're doing? I went yeah. And he went right. You tell everyone else. So I had to teach these. I also use a handgun, having just fired my first ever gun. He taught me well, though. But I don't know if you've met Adam. He took on the role

and thrive with it. The thing is, like, I strive on responsibility. But I'm not going to give myself the responsibility. Someone else has to come to me and go, hey, got a job for you. I mean. And then I'll, then I'll be like, right, I'll put this team on me back and off we go. Yeah, a lot of responsibility to put on you, though, isn't it? Yeah. You teach the lads there.

My favourite bit was when I asked the guy, because everyone that works there, they sell, there's a gun range, but there's probably a thousand guns. Oh, there's every gun you could ever imagine in the shot. Like, at the end of it, like, a gift shop on the way out. People are going, buying, like, three or four guns. It's the weekend. You go and treat yourself. your family to a gun.

And if you want to go and shoot it, fine. And I went, has anyone ever tried to rob the store? And there's just this little pause where he was like, I'd love you to try. Please make my day. I can think of a million better stores

to try and run. It's just not the one, is it? With every gun. Yeah, you'd be smoked within seconds. You know how you think in America? Like, the states where like, like New York's known to be notoriously difficult to have a gun.

And like, the laws are a lot of, there than like Tennessee where we were. When we were in, I was in New York a couple of weeks ago for Jack's brother's wedding and we did a few days in the city and then went upstate to a summer camp. And the camps on a lake in the middle of nowhere. It's up near Montreal and Vermont,

closer to there than New York City. And we were like, is there any shops or anything nearby? And they were like, there's a lovely place to go and get a sandwich. It's about a 10 minute drive. Just go down the road and they sell sandwiches and they sell really nice fleeces if you want to get your girlfriend.

fleece to take over. Lovely. This sounds lovely. So you walk in, the ground floor is just a deli with like every crisp you can imagine, loads of different sandwiches you can buy, like little pots of like a pickle and pickle lily and shit like that. Upstairs, do you want a pair of shoes? Do you want a fleece?

And then downstairs, just the biggest array of shotguns you've ever seen in your entire life. It was a butty shop and shotgun store. You've made it better? Huh? If you go into a shop, I'd sell buddies and the shoties in the cellar. better, isn't it? That's good. Why? It's fun, isn't it? I don't want one,

but, like, it's sick that they're there. Guns are cool. They are cool. They are cool. Like, there's a reason you shot one in Cambodia because you felt like a fucking... It's class, yeah. It was really cool. Would you have one? If Ireland was like...

No. All weapons are now legal? Well, if everybody had one, I suppose, you'd probably want one, wouldn't you? If you'd allowed one, you'd allow one deadly weapon, what are you going for? Are you going machine gun? Handgun, bazooker, oozy.

Slyper rifle. You're allowed one and you go, Bazooka. That is, that is, uh. If you miss, the reload time's fucked you there, don't it? Yeah, but if you hit, though.

Yeah, you're fine. Yeah. It's like a Lester winning the league shot that in it. It's like someone's got to be brave enough. So the burglar is on the stairs, but you're at the top of the stairs. And if you hit, it's going to do the job,

in it? Blow it those up. But it's, it's like a deterrent, in it? It's like having a nuclear weapon that. It's like, I don't have to fire it because I've got it.

The burglar sees the bazooker. They're not running out you. They're running out the door. And you get to keep your knees. Just have it over the mantel piece. What? The bazooka. No, you'd have it next to the bed, next to your slippers. You're like a vire. I've got to peel with a face.

That's how much of a man you'd feel like. In my head, everyone around Cork has a gun. Everybody? Now, now you've just because everyone's shooting up pubs. Yes. From the one story I told you about. Don't you need a for the farm and the, you know, because if the cow's like, you have to, oh, geez, it's the cow.

That's my childhood, yeah, just putting down cows the whole time. I grew up nowhere near a farm. I don't think that's possible. I think you're a liar. Really? No, I think you live in Cork City. Yeah. It's such a city, city, city.

Yeah, but there's farms near. This is Irish racism. It is, in my head, Chris is educated. We were just talking about his school and his education was all done by priests and nuns. It's Irish school. I've watched a lot of... I've ever seen the Dylan Mooran joke

about how the world still sees Irish people as twinkly-eyed fuckers with a pig under their arm. That's literally what you're doing. He was in confession every morning. Was farms close to here? There's farms close to me here, but we live in a big city. Yeah.

Nah. I'm not disappointed. Did you grow up religious? No, not really. Did it for the money, the communion, the confirmation, and I got out. I got out. What you made him on a confirmation? Oh, I wasn't expecting my parents to take a cut.

That was really blindsided by that. Of course I'd take a cut. 50%. What? Each, like two of them. I had nothing left. I did my Holy Communion and I did. It wasn't, yeah, I went to church and stuff, but like, not, not religiously.

for the money for the for the communion I did my communion um why age you when you do your communion now you're probably eight

is it yeah something like that and even then I just knew oh you go to all your aunties and you get money like you know

yeah communion was a big payday for me fully communion year four was it year four something like is it year four

over here and confirmation but year four was about eight isn't it seven confirmation I think you 14

I never did that you didn't So you did the communion and then had to come from this. Yeah. He went off the rails at 11. That's when he started getting into guns. And my little brother, he got, he got baptized really late. He got baptized.

So I got baptized because I had to be baptized to go to the school I was going to go to. Yes. So I was really young and they knew which school I was going to go to. So they were like, let's just get this done. Have a little christening, you know. And then because I was already in that school, the school were like, is he baptized? My little brother. My mom was like, no.

And they were like, do you know what? Your other son's already here. Fuck it. Do you know what I mean? Yes. But then, I think they wanted him baptized just so that he could do a communion eventually because probably they're thinking of the money as well.

Absolutely. So when I got my first only communion, they did the little two-for-one Sundays and got him baptized same day. And we had a joint christend. He was like six, I think, and I was 10 or whatever. Oh, he was dead. And we did a joint Sunday party.

And we got cards each and it was fucking buns, mate. Yeah. Big, yeah. So normally for christenin's tradition, they'll put like a dress on the baby regardless of the gender. Was your six-year-old brother in like a wedding dress on the day and you were in a suit making your communion? But that was by choice, he just come down and was like, I've got my outfit.

I remember I cut my own hair the night before my coldly communion. Oh my God, I'll never forget. I just, so my aunt came over to my house. She was meant to be cutting my hair and I know she's not a hairdresser because I was sent out to get his scissors. That's your first clue That's your first clue And everybody in the house was like

Don't you dare run with those scissors Don't you run with the scissors Go up and get the scissors Don't run with them Whatever you do So I was like yeah no I'm not going to run with the scissors But everybody said it to me

It was really over like you know I got it like They all said it to me And I walked up to my friend's house I borrowed the scissors And his mother said Don't you run with those scissors I was like all right

I know So I'm strolling back with the scissors And all these lads are playing soccer on the street, like, you know, having a game of soccer. And I was really taking my time. And they were really annoyed because it was kind of walking through their game, I guess. There was no other way to go. I was walking through their game of soccer.

And they were all like, get out of the fucking way. And I was like, I can't. I'm taking my time here. Like, you know, and whatever. I don't know what happened, but I just started cutting my hair. Because that maybe, like, the other rules had pushed this one out of my head. And I was like, and they were like, oh my God, he's brilliant. They all said a laugh at it.

I was like getting in, I was getting laughs and all. I was like, cutting my hair, cutting my hair, cutting my hair. While walking. Yeah, well, I wasn't running. I caught it and I cut it and I cut it. And I remember like getting home. And then my dad answered the door and he was like, oh my God. It was like, did you cut your fucking hair?

He's looking down at me. You can obviously see a ball patch here. Nice from to notice though. Yeah. So he didn't touch me. He threw me to my mother who gave me a couple of slaps. It was okay back then, you know. know. But my aunt, who wasn't a hairdresser, to be fair, and was not qualified at all,

kind of saved the day. She gave me a little comb over. She kept on combing it and combing it and combing it. And to be fair, you know, I had to reveal it to show it off the next day, like a little portal into sadness. Have a look at that. Cut my own hair last night. You say slapping kids was all right a little bit back then. Of course, yeah. Do you feel like it should have been? Do you think you deserve it? I don't I probably deserve that To be fair

I probably deserved that 100% They had the outfit picked and everything This is gonna maybe You know They were thinking about all the money Yeah I mean

I have kids now And we've got so much Other stuff at our disposal With iPads and distractions And I still I find parenting still really hard How day did it With none of that

I have no idea Yeah I have no idea By leather in the shit Out of us once in a while They have to get their energy She wasn't slap to the face She wasn't slapped to the face

She wasn't slapped to the face. Oh. I can't remember. There was a lot. My dad was a lot crumbed. My dad was back of the legs. Yeah, back of the legs or yes, smack in the arts or whatever. I've told my kids, I've told me, it sounds like I've threatened them.

I was like, when I was your age, if we were naughty, it was my mother. We got hit. And you can see, like, my daughter like, that sounds awful. Yeah. My dad never did at all. Would, you know, but my mother did. But my dad would scare you enough to go, you know, you wouldn't be out of line or anything. Put like a mask on and chase her.

Yeah, but then their parents, like, if they were not, they used to run them over with a van or something. Yeah, of course. It's all, it's a great, separate degrees. Just wiggle in the van keys. Yeah, their parents would have cut the fuck. Cut them with the scissors, probably. I tried to whip me once, but I slipped it and chinned them.

Woke up the next day. On communion day. Where's my cut? Fuck you. And you go. This might be a silly question, but is it illegal now to hit your kids? It's illegal, yeah. It's fully illegal.

It depends whether anyone sees her. It also depends on self-defense. Like that. Even if it's a bit of your back. Yeah. So like if a mum like slaps a kid on the thigh, you're like, a fucking, is that, is she like? Can I remember that?

There's a bug there? Because you could use that in court. And you can never prove if there was a bug. There's a horse fly on his thigh. Did you hit your child? It's mosquito season. Yes. It's not.

Like, someone have to grasp there. You know what I mean? Like, as a parent, now, I look at my kids and I think the idea of like hitting them and causing them pain is so weird. But I'd love to choke them out sometimes. You know what I mean? Just once in a while, just like,

I'm not hitting you. Just go to sleep. Go to sleep. God, the kids have gone to bed early. Yeah, they have. Sorry. And you've gone. Recovery position.

Night, night. Like, I wasn't sure about Kristen and my kids are doing the whole religion thing. And again, it was the schools. Like, you get into the schools easier, you know? And I remember my mother saying, even though she's not religious now, she was like, I don't know, I feel a bit safer if they're christened. I don't know why. We don't go to church, but I feel a bit safer if they're christened or whatever, you know.

And it just randomly came up the most mental story. And I was like, yeah, whatever. I was like, were you christened? And my mother was like, I was christened and confirmed in the same day. And I was like, what? She was like, yeah, I was christening confirmed in the same day. When I was a little baby, I was about to leave the hospital. That's a crazy story.

She was like, look at the scar on my eye there. She's got a scar. I never really noticed before, like a circular scar. And so when I was even in hospital, a kid, like in the Moses basket, a kid bit her, like as an Arabi, like bit her when she was a tiny baby. And she nearly died.

And the priest was called to give her last rights and christened her and confirmed her in the same day. And luckily she got true because obviously. Another child bit your baby mum. Yeah, bit my baby mom. Yeah, before they left the hospital. Wow. Do they have rabies?

I don't think so, no. I didn't ask her. Because I was there to my mom. gone, that's a mental story. How could you never told me that before? And she was like, oh, I was a baby.

Whatever. Just get over it. She was like, I was a baby. Like, whatever. Who cares? Dan, you didn't do any of this, did you? Obviously, you're looking at us like, because we're talking about money for life.

But you, obviously you're not confirmed or communionised, are you? I'm christened, but it was a cynical. Yeah. A bit like your brother. Because to get in the... Grow you're in the sink, send you back on your way. No, that we had to do a full. Me and my sister, job lot.

I would have been... His job lot? Ten. I would have. I would have been a 10. She would have been six. Because if I wasn't Christend, I wasn't going to the C of E grammar school.

Okay. I thought you were going to say heaven there. When you pointed out? I wasn't going to. But you're too old, aren't you? If you're getting water on your head and you're old enough to be like,

well, my gel, watch out. Yeah. Fucking old. To answer your question, no, I was not confirmed

because like I say, that happens about 14. You've got to go away with the priest, haven't you? Huh? No. No, we did it in school.

People did it for watchers. people people did get confirmed but by that age my mar was like it's a load of shite we've just been telling the fucking school just to let you in and because you're fully you're in like year nine at that point

they're not kicking you out at that point do you mean and also I don't think you needed to be confirmed because there's Muslims and everything at school even in the school it's optional kind of they can do it or not even if it's Catholic school you can get confirmed

yeah we went to Catholic school Cardinal Hain and Catholic Sports College so what's communion? Communion's the community the communion's the body of Christ. You have to... Oh, you're allowed to get the fake. You're allowed to get the bread and the...

Just to be clear, we are... We're sort of reducing the title of it of communion. So it's your first Holy Communion is what we're talking. Oh, the big one. Yeah, your first buddy is Oh, is a card off your nun. Maybe there's money in it the better I'd be. That's the him you sing.

We had the wine. Because I remember us all standing on the altar together, passing the wine long. a fucking bevy. And every, on the video, we can't have recorded it, every face is like, oh.

Because obviously it's the worst thing you've ever tasted. I brought me out. When I brought a bottle of a bloody, out of a goblet or something. Yeah. Oh, it's awful.

And loads of like old women have drank it before. Oh, and then the way people put the tongue out for the little popad on. Yeah. It's cheap wine as well. It's not like 12 crimes.

I brought me own. I was like, I'm sourced. I've got a bit of bucket there. Bucking in a pack of my coins. Just, I just, I just gave me. to the priest, it was like, while you're fucking doing your little fucking song over that one,

just bless my bottle there, because I'm just, I'm getting on it early. For our confirmation, ours was in that year six and you had to go camping with the priest. Harry, you've been abused, honestly, Chris, every time. Oh, you didn't? Genuinely, it's the, because my mom and dad didn't speak to each other. It was the only thing they agreed with it was like, we're not sending Ari away to go camping with the priest. But you had to go, you had to go camping at ample fourth and you had to, like, wake up at 5 o'clock in the

morning. But loads of the kids would just keep all their clothes on the entire time so they were dressed for the morning. And that was probably Yeah.

So if they don't get bummed. Yeah. You didn't, that was an IQ test by the priest. I wonder how many kids I can trick into this. Gonna go camping me.

Yeah. Lie? That's not. We didn't. Have you ever spoken to anyone who went on the trip about their experience? The,

I don't know, some of the kids came back and then. Some of them came back. No, they all came back. It was only a handful. It was only a handful that went away. Some of them get back

from the camping. some of them never did. It's a priest mate them play the game where you close your eyes and like stroke the sausages. All I got told by my brother's mate was that they, because it was so early in the morning,

they just slept in the same clothes throughout the night. They'd like they'd go to sleep in the clothes that they were going to wake up in in the morning and then I guess the priest would go bless them. I reckon that was some savvy parent. People have gone,

at no point during this trip should you be naked. No matter what the priest says. Do not take your jeans off. Yeah, it's like, backs the wall in it yeah yeah that's we didn't do that we just we I mean I chose not too because I had the piece of mind to know it was all bollocks to be fair if I if my parents had gone yeah you go get confirmed that was it done I don't think I to be honest I don't think I

pretty like a lot of brain capacity at that age yeah I don't think I think I think I've grown someone I think I hit like year eight year nine and became like a person but I think I was like a demo person at that point you know like when you take the kids the arcade and they're playing the game and they're not fully formed now I'm fully formed human I'm a fully formed human And then confirmation is like Catholic bar mitzvah. Essentially, it's like, A, you're sure? Because you're nearly a fucking adult now. Yeah, you take to pledge and all that with your confirmation.

You pick a name. You pledge allegiance to the cross. Pledge abstaining from alcohol until you're of legal drinking age. Apart from this wine. Apart from the wine you're about to have. You pick a middle name. Yeah, you get a confirmation name. No.

And they do. What did you pick? I didn't. They didn't do it. What did you pick? I pick. George, my dad's name. It has to be a religious name.

Jack Haley, picked Jesus. I picked Anthony because it was already my middle name. So you're Anthony Anthony Anthony now. Yeah, I guess I never thought about that, but I guess I'm Anthony squared. You've got two Antony's in your middle name. Well, I never added to it because I was like, well, there's already one there.

But yeah, I picked, like, because he's the page from Satan of like things being lost in it. So I was like... And now you've got two of them in case you lose one of them. Yeah, exactly. What would you have gone with, Dan? Anthony Anthony.

What should that same again? That's fucking insane. I didn't realize it got added properly. It doesn't get added. Yeah. That is now your legal name. Harry Anthony,

Anthony, Robbo. I don't know. There's a David in there as well. I've got David in mine as well. Christopher and David, George Kent. Yeah.

Yeah, Selleke has got three middle names because one of them, two of them are aunties and one of them is a how many times she confirmed? Two aunties, one. She's from Cork as well. Well,

her family's big in it. And one of them was a confirmation name. Had it gone, Zhao. What, is he a religious? No. I just want to play the odds, you know, in terms of like... It's got to be a name of a saint, hasn't it?

Yeah, they get a bit sticky with them because some people just want to be named after footballers and stuff. Jow Goldman. Rinaldo, like, people just want to pick Rinaldo. Rinaldo. St. Ronaldino. Adam Vincent, Ronaldino, Ro. Patriot Saints are rainbow flicks.

He should be. Is Jawa, saint? I bet it is. Are you going Jiao because it sounds vaguely Chinese in case to take over? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I think he's like Joe, like Portuguese. No, he's got, he's going for, he's backing himself against, uh, imperialism. There's no Satan, Jack.

Could you have Jesus? Yeah, Jackie. You can't pick Jesus, I think, yeah. Yeah, Eiffel big Jesus. Daniel, James Jesus Nightingale? Yeah. I wish I was Catholic. DJ James.

That was fucking class. Yeah, I didn't do it because I was, I want to do your confirmation either then, no. It was in year nine for us, which is a bit older than, because Cericus was in little school. And I went now to know the bollocks. Okay. What about the money though? I mean, I knew it was a lot of bad knocks, but the money...

The lads I knew did it just for the gifts, and I was like, ah, I'm not selling me integrity. So I don't ever remember your confirmation being, like, a big deal in terms of money and gifts. I always, like, the communion's always been the one to me that, like, that's where you got showered. Obviously, it was me the way now. For me, confirmation was like, you're an adult now,

so you get trees at, like, one. Like, well done for picking this, as you... Nah, we got money, like, loads of money. Yeah, yeah. In Liverpool, your christening's a big one for your parents and your family and their friends, Basically, you getting christened is an excuse for your family

and everyone they've ever met to just get twadded on a Sunday. Day drink. Yeah. All religious, like, stuff, isn't it? The christenings and all of that. Do you not feel like you missed out then? Yeah, I mean, I do, yeah, because apparently you get 1,500 euros for... No, it's about, like, nowadays they are getting over a grand.

The kids are... I think I got about 500 quay for me. But the parents got crazy, you know, and they spend way more than that on the day. It used to become... You go to all your aunties and uncles, have a cup of tea. They give you a card. Good luck. Have a cup of tea.

Now it's a big event. And people... are renting bouncy castles and food and catering. That was what we did. We had a big party like that, but... Patering special idea. My confirmation.

Late in life Catholicism. Oh no, no. You have to do the communion first. You're all right. We'll do both in... Would you actually do that? Why are you getting confirmed? Doesn't it? Yeah, you get bouncy castle in 1,500 euros?

Fucking sound! Communioning me up! Would you join a Catholic church if we made an event of it? A hundred percent. I'm dying to do a confession. I want a proper priest. and the confession.

I want to do the whole communion, confirmation, the law, and I'll be like, now I'm a... You can't take the piss. I'm a Catholic. And also they dunk you as an adult. And like, watch your new name, and I'll be like, it's either Ronaldini or Jesus, we'll work it out.

You'll get dunked. You'll get dunked. I've seen a really good theological question last week. Do you know John the Baptist? Of course. Yeah? You know John the Baptist? You know John the Baptist?

Yes. So what did John the Baptist do? Baptise people? And Jesus. He baptized Jesus. What was Jesus getting baptized into? Judaism. Johnism.

But there was no Christianity. Yes. Until after Jesus. So was he getting baptized? Hang on. There's some fucking flaws in the story. This is not mad? Yeah, so I get you.

Yeah. Plot hole. Yeah? He was being baptized into his public ministry and an act of solidarity with humanity. So he was just doing it. it to show, I want to use. That's just to sell tickets, though, isn't it?

He was doing 5,000. One of it was the thing, one of this event was the thing before Catholicism and they went, well, he did that, so we're going to move that over rather than the other way down. Yeah, it's probably chicken and egg. Or maybe he was cancelled and he just went Christy into like Russell Brand. He's the Russell Brand of his day. Yeah, I reckon he's done this and they've gone, hey, we'll take that over into his church as well. A little water thing.

I like that. It's apparently a big, uh, um, contentious issue in theology and the criticism of Christianity is what was he fucking doing? Oh, Dan, can we have, genuinely can we have, Dan becomes a Catholic day? Yeah, actually, it's what I wanted to bring it up before we talked about it. You'd have to do everything then.

I'm ready. You'd have to go to, like, lessons? Yeah, you have to go and laying or to be a, surely you can't just do it. Take to pledge abstain from alcohol. I'm sorry? Yeah. I'm joining the Catholic Church and I'm abstaining from alcohol. Yes.

It's a big part. If you're getting your confirmation, then. Joe, if you get married to the church, you have to go to marriage lessons before you do it. It is strange, isn't it? The priests, like, giving you lessons on what to do when you're married.

Did you do, do you? No, it's a humanist ceremony. Didn't do a religious one. You're changed. You're not allowed to use testosterone for non-medical purposes. I'm using them for medical purposes. I was medically,

Jesus would understand. I mean, also, Jesus was yoked. Yeah, he is. Hey, Jesus won pet tides pass it right? That's just the Jordan's in it. People reckon he was a fat dwarf. You play basketball. He was a fat dwarf in reality, won't he?

They reckon he was about five foot. Right. And he was a chunky little boy. Yeah, but then he got baptized about 32. No, genuinely, he was a little fat scruff. He was five foot five, so he was taller than Mugsy Boggs. That could have been tired for the time, though. It would have been, yeah.

He was an NBA player at the time. But, I mean, it'd be the smallest person in this room, and he was fat and scruffy. We probably wouldn't let him in. Who are you, Jesus? Off, you fuck. Oh, Dan, please do this. Yeah.

This is like a long special. Multiple days. What if he gets into it though when he ends up sitting there in brobes, trying to talk us all fucking round into it? So I'm become a priest. Yeah?

You have to become deacon first. I don't think you can become priests. Maybe, I don't think you can you? Maybe they're deacon first. You'd have to get divorced and all that. Yeah, oh yeah, you're married. You can't even church? Laura, love that.

Yeah. You're all gone. Why? Because I'm married to the church now. married, you're married, yeah. That's what nuns do, isn't it? I think you could, like, I think on paper you'd have to, like, divorce

and become a priest, but you could still have an average, like, your side bitch. You have to live in the monastery, like the church? You live in the kenn? I've got a living cleaner. Yeah. Who's got two helpers? Yeah.

Are they his kids? Shut up. You could still want. I'll put everything on them. Nice. Yeah. This sounds great. So this has gone from me wanting to do confession.

Now I'm getting communed. And the other one, confetti. Taking the pledge. What is it? Confederates. Confirmed. Confirmed. So I'm doing all of that.

Yeah. And now I'm becoming a priest. Now I'm getting a divorce and now I'm living in a monastery. Yeah, but it's a divorce of convenience. It's not like an actual divorce. You're right. It's at least a two days special. Is there any other events in the Catholic Church I used to do?

Funeral. Easter. Communion. You did a funeral. Yeah. Christening. Communion. Confirmation. Marriage.

There's the one around Christmas where you get an order. put a candle in it. The Christingle. You had it orange and put a jelly tot in it. It's unbelievable. Yeah, I don't know what that is. We could do your funeral, Dan. Also, I'm dying at the end of it.

Yeah, yeah. And we can see who turns up. It's Christ, yeah, it's good. I like it. I probably will die if I come off the test. Great. The sound, thanks for coming on because this is where I wanted this episode to go.

This is great. Ultimately, just leading to my early death. But at least we'll have a great to have a week. Get to have a wake. Are you all? allowed to drink at it? Oh no, I'm dead. We will. We don't get bladed on it. Sounds great. It's a great religion, guys.

And you can drink at you wake if you're not really dead. And you're just in the cupboard, watching everything happen. And if we're doing Catholic, it'll be open casket anyway, unless something horrible happens to the air. I know, we'll blow you head off with the shot. He'll know someone. Right, that's a break if ever I've heard one. Yeah, probably. And we are back.

Chris, you've got a special that has been dropped. Yes, I dropped it. And what's that? on YouTube, on YouTube. Offline, it's called. And, oh, nice. That brings us nicely. So what I wanted to talk about, which is you did an entire tour

and refused to let yourself use the internet at all. Yes, yes. It was kind of at the end of a tour, I went offline completely, I gave up the internet, I made a documentary about it. So I had no, like, it was an absolute nightmare for my wife

who took over all my internet stuff, if you wouldn't let me do it again. So basically I was like a member of their own. family. I was like, do this, do that. But then when I was out, I was over here in hot water and you were on and I had no internet and I cannot tell you how my sense of direction is so bad. I nearly missed quite a few gigs. I was off the internet for just over two and a half months or something, like nothing. Didn't log on to anything and I just had an all Nokia kind of phone.

No direction. Nothing at all. No maps. Oh, no maps. I had physical maps that I bought back home in Ireland to do a gig. So I said, I gave up the internet. I gave up the internet. I said, I gave up the internet, I handed my phone over at one of my last previous tour shows and I announced the next one. I said, I'm doing a gig in Comedy Club and Cork in eight and a half weeks and I said it's a brand new show and nothing really existed at that point. But I was just like, I'm off the internet, so I'm going to write a show. And I went to Ed and Brennan came over here and, yeah, finding my way around here, particularly, even getting into the airport and getting on the bus in and finding my hotel, it takes so much for granted. I just, I was a nightmare.

Even finding the comedy club, which I've been in loads. But I've obviously never just remembered how to walk there. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I was going to, I was going into, I couldn't ask for directions. I'd go into pizza places and be like, sorry. And then I wouldn't have the confidence to go, sorry, can you tell me, or just go up to somebody? So I thought if I buy something, though, I'll be more. Oh yeah, by the way, do you know where the comedy club is?

And then I couldn't understand her accent. And I was like, I just left with a pizza. And I was none the wiser. So I was just like, and I can't really pull her on her accent here in Liverpool because it's a Liverpool accent. Do you know what I mean? I mean you can. Well, yeah, but like, you'd be immediately like, someone like,

I'd be just like, you know, perfect, yeah. And I was not, I don't know what she was saying. Did you get like withdrawal? Yeah, I got with proper withdrawal. I met with a proper, like, I met with this clinical psychologist and she told me you're going to get withdrawal from this. Because my screen time was up around 11 hours a day, 12 hours a day, something mental, right?

And she said, you're going to get proper withdrawal. I met her before I give up my phone. And I was like, I'm not sure if I believe that. She put a little heart monitor on me. This is like a couple of days beforehand. And she was like, right, I'm going to leave the room now for 20 minutes with your phone. And you're probably going to get some withdrawals. But she was just next door.

And they were, do you know what I mean? They were doing VOs and all that. And I was like, or whatever, like little interviews. And I was like, yeah, I don't want to feel anything. So she came back into me and was like, how do you feel? And I was like, yeah, no, that was just 20 minutes. And I knew you were in there at my phone. So I'm not that bad.

Then she took the heart monitor off me and put it on the computer and you could see exactly when she left the room my heart variability changing and it was insane. I felt so good though like after about a week or two I was like this is amazing. In that first week, what is the thing that you are missing the most? Is it is it Instagram? Is it what you

what's the biggest withdrawal? Or is it just the general check around the phone? You keep doing. You keep doing that. You keep checking for it. Any bit of dead space, I realized that first week or two, if I was even standing at a traffic light, I'd go, I'm like, what am I doing?

Yeah, yeah. What am I doing? You've lost all your stimulation. Not allowed to be bored at all. Anytime I was in a coffee shop, I'd be like, oh, like I went, when I was here in Liverpool, I just, even that weekend, I went in for coffees, and I was like, this is weird,

because I even left my knocky into place, like, and you don't know where to look when you're sitting in a coffee place, and you don't have a phone. What were you doing when you were pooing? I was having much quicker poos I was much more efficient on the bowl I'll tell you that

like the classic like a big road sheet one of them in it oh I've never never read as much or wrote as much because I had a whole month

of work and progress in Edinburgh as well so I turned over a new show made a little documentary about it and they said as well so eight and a half weeks I said I'm doing a show on Kork

and I didn't advertise that show online or sell tickets for that online they had to buy them word them out had to meet people on the street and tell them about it or do the newspaper. I wasn't allowed involved the internet at all to

sell my news show as well. On top of it like, you know, as an extra little bonus kind of thing. Did you sell that out? It did sell out. It did sell out. It was in some limits. In the comedy club. That is testament to how good you are and how well respected you are. You basically went back to 1988 rules and still sold it out.

It was so cool. I like it just went on the radio. I think I was like doing a few podcasts, um, live podcasts. so we weren't even allowed talk about it. It was crazy. Like, it weren't about talk about it on the internet. Did it cut that bit out of the podcast. Like, I was really strict about it.

But live in the room for the podcast, I was like, yeah, I'm selling tickets at the back of the room. Or any other comedy clubs I could jump up. I'm selling tickets. You can't buy them online. People still couldn't get their head around it, though, you know? Yeah, sounds amazing. But they made gigs for me. They said, you're doing a gig in, I did a gig in like a care home,

just as a little kind of just see how that is, talk to them about the gap between them and technology. A nice little tree for them as well. Yeah, it was so cool. I did not expect to enjoy it as much as I did. I did another gig in like, they were like, oh, you're doing a gig in Mayo, Tormikidi, Indioltock, Irish speaking, really remote.

It's hard to get to even with a sat and have. Best of luck. There's the name of the pub. Man, the amount of crack I had. I just got an old school map, like proper maps, like planning the route up, picked up my support act. Then they were like, what about accommodation? What are you going to do?

what I was like, what do you do? Like, if you don't have a phone, you don't have the internet. I always think about those like proper ATC map. Yeah. Right. Because I've often thought about this. Like when I'm on my way to a gig for Peter Vincent's or someone and it's in fucking yarm, I struggle to find it sometimes with the map.

I'm like, where the fuck is this place? Yeah. And then I know the comedy industry started where people not having these things and people were going all over the place for gigs. How do you know where you are on that map? Just by the road signs. by the road signs and by like the towns and all that. You'll know you're coming into these little towns.

I did a year of driving on the circuit without a TomTom or a Satnav. It's incredible for your brain and for just being present. It's amazing. But then book an accommodation, they were like, book accommodation. And I was like, oh yeah. And then I like had my little Nokia and I was like 11-8-11 directing inquiries. Nothing happened. I was like, okay.

But the gig is like five hours driveway. I can't go up there without accommodation. So I just like had a number for my agent and a number for the person in the pub. So I rang them and I was like, can I pitch a tent in your pub in the garden of the pub? And they were like, yeah, yeah, they were like, yeah, you can do that. And I thought that would be kind of cool to do anyway. So my support, actor-ciman knew nothing about this. They were like, where are we staying?

I was like, I saw, I have sorted. It's close. And I had a tent. It's war conditions from the game. I had a tent in the back of the car. We drove up, man. Your brain just falls apart. When you can't YouTube something, how do I put this tent up?

Even though the instructions are in front of me, couldn't get the, tent-up couldn't figure it out at all. People that were coming to my gig helped me put a tent-up because I was out there so long. The punters that were coming to the gig ended up coming out and putting the tent up with us. It was just the most amazing experience, though. Such cool night.

And did you feel better? You said it took a week, but then you just, do you feel deburdened? I didn't want my phone back at all at the end. I got my phone handed back to me at that gig in city limits at the end of the night, and I didn't put my SIM card back into it for about another week or two.

I just didn't want it. I was like, I don't want that anymore. I know I'm worse than I've ever been. I feel like I've learned nothing. I feel like I felt like that just gave up drink for the lint. And you know what I mean? I'm back on it now. I'm back on the internet.

But it's the kind of, like I had to plug a massive gig where that special was filmed. I wrote the show and then I was like, oh, I'm going to put it on the marquee, which is a massive four and a half thousand seater venue. So then the whole irony of it all was like, I had to be online more than ever. to plug this gig about me being offline. So, I don't think I'm ever as bad as I was. Yeah, you're not doing the four and a half thousand by where the mouth in the streets.

No, I wasn't flyer in for that. But it was so cool though. It was like, genuinely, I'd love to get out of it. That's my game is to how do I get out of this? How do I get out of it? Even so just social media or whatever. Did you watch the telly? Watched the telly, yeah.

I was able to watch the telly. Like Netflix, that was fine. Or what you... Yeah, I mean, I was really strict enough with myself, to be fair, but like if my kids were watching Netflix or whatever, they were over in Edinburgh with me. I wasn't going to be like, all right, daddy needs to turn off the telly.

I didn't go Amish or whatever. Yeah. Whatever day I do. Being at the fringe and not having the internet on your phone. Had no internet whatsoever. Like, I would love to see us try this and see how long we could go and like what effect you would have.

I couldn't find my venue that I was doing. But once you found the venue in Edinburgh, yeah. That's you for the whole month, isn't it? That was me. Yeah, yeah. So, like, as a circuit comic or a road comic, that sounds like a fucking waking nightmare. But once you're at the fringe, you don't have, you've got so much else to do in the day.

There's loads of other shows. There's loads of the, I think at the fringe, it sort of sounds appealing. It was cool. I'll tell you what, dog, they get, they're getting lost thing. Kept still happening to me. And, like, I'll tell you the downsides. Yeah, you don't, you don't have fun. I used to stay out and dumberland.

My wife's family. So it's an hour on the train in, hour and train out. And sometimes I drive in. Sometimes I'm just driving because I'm like, I have a late gig tonight. And every now and again, there's a diversion or a road is closed. And then you're just, I nearly missed a couple of gigs from that. Just, oh, the maps are no good to me now anymore. Nearly missed the gig in Belfast.

Completely went lost and was in the wrong part of Belfast for me to be asking for directions or anything like that. So I was just like, oh, shit, I'm in big trouble here, like, you know. But that getting last thing. And my wife has the patience that was saying because she took everything. all my internet. I remember driving into Edinburgh one day and I used to park in this little car park and there was always a man inside a box like with taking cash or whatever. And this day I parked there and he wasn't there. The guy with the cash wasn't there. And I was like trying to run to a gig and the guy wasn't there. And there was like a scan a QR code on the on the wall. I was like I can't

I can't do that. I can't scan that. So I was ringing my wife who was gone back to Ireland with my two kids. She was up to her neck in it. The kids are hanging off her and I'm ringing her from Edinburgh going, can you like park my car? And she's like, what car park you in? And I'm like, I actually don't, I don't even know. I don't even know what car park in it. Because I couldn't scan the thing like that. Such a funny phone call at. I'm in another country. Can you park my car? She was genuinely. That's when I she really nearly lost her patience with me. She was just like, fuck, fuck off. You know? And it just had to leave. I just had to like, yeah, I understand. I just don't think you can get me off that. Be like trying to get fucking decalien.

Caprio off 24-year-old pussy. It's just not happening. He was on it for 11 hours a day, so he's similar to what you are now. I was pretty bad. I was pretty bad, and it was genuinely... Would you know for two days? No. I feel like I wouldn't do it because I feel like I'd be missing out. Yeah. Oh, so, yeah, you do definitely miss out. Like, do you know when Trump nearly got assassinated? I found out about that about five days later. On the, on the radio. On the radio. So my wife took that information in, I wasn't on the

internet at all. And honestly, it was about... It was true. three days there I was driving down and I just... Did you tell her she couldn't tell you stuff? She didn't tell me. She was just... No, that wasn't really a hard and fast rule, but that's just like... She was just like, yeah, leave him be him now.

I'm going to completely be in this experience with him, but he's not on the internet at all. What do you reckon she would have broke that rule for? Like, do you reckon if there was like a nuclear bomb in, like Limerich, do you reckon she'd have told you? Well, I wouldn't... No, she wouldn't be the fondest of Limerick, I'd say. She's in temporarily.

I'm from Cards. No, it was mad. And I definitely, I made a documentary about it, and it's going to be in, it's going to be coming out soon. And it's in a festival. Class? In a festival. I don't even know if I'm,

it's going to be in the Carc Film Festival. I don't know if I'm allowed to say it. I don't know. You said it, no. But I was looking back at the documentary and helping to edit it, and I was jealous of myself. I was looking at it going,

oh, I'm completely jealous of myself. But surely the fact you've done it now, you know you could do it again. Yeah, no, I definitely can. And I've definitely gotten, I got the little brick thing that you brick your phone and all this. And there's definitely, I'm definitely better at it. How's your head when, when you, a week,

you've got over the withdrawals. Yeah. And you were saying you were reading more and writing more. Yeah. Did you feel noticeably like happier? Or was it just, you're just in your own thoughts? Des Bishop's got that great bit about like, the kids these days talking about mindfulness.

And he was like, that was the whole of my childhood. You're on the bus. You're watching condensation run down the window. Mindfulness. Like, we had to do it because there was, was no other option. Now there's so many other options. And I sort of like rose tint glasses, the idea of like, oh, it would be amazing and just have all this like freedom of my mind to just roam around and have ideas and maybe be bored. But did it feel free in? Genuinely.

Yeah. Genuinely. And Yang's, I could feel like, I didn't think I had that much anxiety, but I was like, when it was gone from me, I was like, oh, that's, I have a bit more energy now. I've never felt so creative. I was getting the training and out of Edinburgh every day. I was writing on the way and I'd record that on a little Zoom thing listening on the way out was a proper work in progress

I had 25 minutes of material or something come back out go back in, come back out and then at the end I had a show and I felt way better

and I was after reading a few books and my sleep improved it was ridiculous it was mental and isn't it mad how powerful this shit is because despite all of that

never been more creative wrote a brand new show sleeping better all your anxiety is gone and you went back. I know. I know. That's how addictive this shit.

It's fucking crack. And there's children on it. Like there's eight year old kids. No, that's, that blows my mind. Because as an adult, even not being able to deal with that, how do you,

how do you just hand that? How do you give it to your kid? I can go, yeah, work away there. I've seen one thing recently where I was like, that makes sense to me as a potential because it feels like

with social media and smartphones and how addictive day all especially for kids but even for adults like the haste that it's either we're all gonna stop

talking to each other for good because like everyone's getting more and more addicted to it and I notice myself sometimes I remember Alfie talking about this sometimes like I'm on the phone in the pub with like me mate

and they go take something and I'm like oh wow it's like I haven't seen this guy for weeks and like you interrupting the thing I was just looking at which I could have see

I've probably seen six times today because she's just going to the same post. Like, that just has to stop or the actual social side has to stop. And he was talking about in the context of AI generated like videos and pictures and stuff and no one knows what's real. And he said the only reason the internet and all the social stuff is interesting to us

is because it's like a way to get updates and information and find out what people are up to, including celebrities and people we all idolize and whatnot. Really quickly and constantly and it's all like, oh my God, this is happening. Oh my God. This is happening. And it's tailored to your taste, your humor, your age bracket. Absolutely.

But because AI is becoming so powerful that the videos and images are becoming so indistinguishable from real stuff, when that gets even better and it is literally indistinguishable, our phones might, that is a hope among certain. psychologists, our phones will become less interesting to us because if I see a picture of, you know, you and your miss is on holiday. And it might be, you know, a bit of an exaggeration when it's your literal friends and stuff. I won't know whether that's a real picture or not until I actually go and speak to you in person and go, oh, I was your holiday. And it might actually

end up bringing people closer together. And when they can't ask chat GPT or Google or whoever for like, can I have a fact about this, please? They'll have to then go and look in a book and find it when they don't know what is real and what isn't. We will go back to analogue stuff and asking actual other humans for advice on things rather than the internet. 100%.

And there's definitely bits of it that I missed and I didn't realize. So my family were with me in Edinburgh for most of it. They were with me. They went home for the last week and I was alone in the house and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

it was like, oh shit, I've no FaceTime. I have no, can't even flick through photos of them. And whatever happened, I was like, I was really aware that I didn't have it then as well. And it was the last week. You can still call. I could call, but it's just like you'd like to see them. You got used to the FaceTime. Yeah, you get used to FaceTime.

And you're going, I like, I like FaceTime and them, they're running around messing, having a laugh. You just get used to it or even just photos or when I'm on tour or whatever, my wife is off and WhatsApp and me stuff. Oh, Jack had a hurling matcher. Evelin's at swim. You know what I mean? it'd be like kind of nice. You miss that bit of it, but yeah, you're right about the calling because all I did was call my wife.

I probably could count the amount of times I've called her this month. But during that period, I remember on the Nokia, I'd actually nearly turn it on again just to see. It was like 150 calls to my wife, you know, over the period in a month. It's like, you know the way it comes up in a number, but it's crazy. I've parked up again. Can you suck? Yeah. Oh, she was driven mad.

She was like, I was so alone. lucky that she did it for me, but it was an absolute nightmare. It was a nightmare for her, you know, but I'd like to figure out a way of doing it again, definitely. I suppose the next step, if you did it again, is that she can't use the internet for you either. Yeah, yeah.

Like, no internet, no help with it, nonsense. This is insane. You're going to end up in court after you've finished it. Yeah. All the parking charges will be like debt collector level. Was there a moment where you were like, fuck it, I'll just do it for a minute. Yeah, but I didn't have the option

because the phone, so when I handed my phone over, I didn't have another iPhone. I had, when I handed my phone over, my wife and kids took it at me in the theatre, changed the codes on it, changed the pass code. Was there never like a smack end thought like, I'd go and buy one? Oh, um, no, because the only moments

where I was like, this is really stupid. Fuck, this is stupid. It was when I was lost and it wouldn't have been, you know, I just, and I had the all knocky. I was like, I just had to, I was trying to get to the gig. Yeah, when you can't find Hot Water Comedy Club, it's harder again to find the Apple stall and then Hot Water Comedy. Yeah.

Yeah, it was just, and I'd be asking for directions and this, I was next, I pretty much next to Hot Water Club one night, and this random lad, I was like, man, I can't find it. I just couldn't find it. It's a bit weird out there to me, but I was like, man, this guy was like, jump in the car. No, that's exactly what he sounded like. And he was an old... He was an old... He used to play in... Maybe he was a soccer verb, an ex-professional soccer player or something. And he was kind of showing me some stuff on his phone. And he was bringing me somewhere else completely.

Definitely. I was like, yeah, no, I'm very... I know I'm very close. We're definitely going to the wrong place now. You're bringing me somewhere else. He was taking me to some other comedy club over by the docks or something. And I was like, no, man, it's definitely...

It's definitely back here. Old baby blue. But he was so... Yeah, he was really sound. and he ended up bringing me, getting me to her or, you know. I want to try it. You get abducted by Ian Rush,

and it sounds like, how long do you beth and you could genuinely do it before you just cracked? How long would you let me do it? What's the one thing that we use more than anything as a tool to run this podcast?

This was the issue. WhatsApp. They have a word WhatsApp group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you had a Nokia and you had to put it on loud and you just picked it up when someone right, yeah.

Yeah. WhatsApp was the big, because... Dan has his phone on, silent. and don't vibrate. I do that as well. Why have you got it then?

What's the point? I don't know. My wife kills me, but I do that as well. I don't know what it is. Too kind of intrude on my afternoon. You are, we need to speak to you because we run a business. It's once a month, Carl.

It's once a month you need to call me. It isn't. And if it is, you're fucking. I'll tell you what, though, I'd have to go back to paper porn. I'd have to be, I'd have to get some magazines.

Oh, DVDs? Sex lines. DVDs? DVDs on internet. That's going to be the most obvious DVD player purchase. Get your little portable DVD, clear, to bring around with you. Or genuinely,

the mind. The imagination. And everything's possible in your mind. Have you got like a favourite porn? You've watched them being like, do you know what? I do love it, but I wish, I wish, you know,

towards the end of it, you took it up the arse of it. In your mind, editor. Nice. Do you definitely you could do it for a week? Do you know what? I know. Every film that I've watched,

I'll just turn it into a porn film so I've just watched the green mile the green cock Dead man coming yeah that I like it nice I reckon you could do it for the week no internet

I'd love to give it a go yeah I'd love to doing it for a week's a problem no in it because that's only you're only just out of withdrawal and I made so much noise about it and so much like

I made it as clear as it possibly could I'm giving up the internet that's if you need me ring my number if you have my number call my agent and please I'm giving it even with my support

at Khan, who was in the room with me when I handed over the phone to Neif. The next morning, we had one more gig in that theatre and she was like, Khan is WhatsApping you. I was like, he was there in the room when I handed it over. I was like, you know,

I missed, definitely missed a FaceTime and all that music, no Spotify, no audio books, like read a couple of books. Can sing, no. And I tell you one thing. Even I went and bought an album when I was in Edinburgh. Fontaine's new album came out

while I was there I was like, oh, this is incredible. So I drove to a HMV and bought it and I just had that in my car.

That was just on the loop all the way around, bought the old thing. It was amazing. So cool. I'd love to have the feeling you got, but I'd love to not do

the first bit. Yeah, but I don't know you can get it without it. I think it's, you know, it's...

I'd love to cross the line at a marathon. I just can't be asked with the marathon. Exactly. Yeah. You know what I mean? How sad.

Should we do, should do I have a word and get out of here. Where's it YouTube? The special is on YouTube and the documentary is going to be

in the Carc Film Festival but I don't know probably genuinely shouldn't have said that but you've said it twice It's premiere in there but it'd be fine to be grant

that I let it slip or whatever and that'll be hopefully that's going to go on to YouTube as well soon the documentary it's a hard thing to make because it's like almost 10 weeks

of pretty much footage and you have to edit it down to like an hour. So it was like, it was so hard to edit it down. We've got have a word in from Nicola. Have a word with my ex-husband's girlfriend, please, boys. Me and my ex have a seven-year-old daughter together who has beautiful, flowy, ginger hair like me. She went to her dad's for the weekend,

and when she came back, her hair had been cut short like a bob, and it had been dyed bright pink. I burst into tears when I saw it, and my daughter told me that a step-mom had done it. She seems to like it, but I don't think she realizes how long this is going to last. and I'm devastated that my gorgeous daughter's beautiful hair has been ruined by some random cow

who should know her place. I send an angry message to her dad but he's fobbed it off. So have a word with them for both of them, for me lids. It's out of order. That's from Nicola. It's a difficult one this, isn't it?

Because if your daughter wants to cut her hair and dye pink, it's kind of up to you and her dad to have the conversation with her and then be like, oh, whatever. but also if you and Laura broke up and you found out Laura's new fella that died at his heir

I already want to kill this imaginary person that was to sue. Yes. Yeah, what happens if you like, I don't know, he made Jackley. Who's Wofford's enemies? Luton?

Yeah, who's my looting kids? We're in a big ass. Because I'm so mad on Wofford. You're right. I'm a massive horn at. What if Laura did it though? Without talking to you? I can't speak

because I've never done co-parenting, but there's still things. I mean, I don't know about you, Chris, but I defer on parenting to Laura so much of the time. Me too. Not to Laura, but to my wife. Laura, I've got another decision to make for you.

With my parking. There are things you feel like you've got to be part of the decision. I imagine when you're co-parenting and you're handing your daughter off for the weekend, there are, some unwritten rules that you think you won't ever have to bring up, your daughter shouldn't come back with different colour, like dyed hair.

Yes. Also, I feel like, it was fine. Yeah, there's, there's a, I don't know,

that's... Does he need permission off the mum? Yeah. But it's not here there. A seven, well, he hasn't, it's a decision for them to both make.

He's made a decision, not her. A seven-year-old? That is... Yeah. That's about the age I was when I caught my own hair, actually. No,

I'd think of it. He said yes, not them, and everything like that should be a them. Really. But okay, but if the daughter wants it, the dad's okay with him. She doesn't get to make decisions like that. She gets to ask and he goes,

I'll ask you a moment. They both say, yeah, then yeah. And by the size of it, it sounds like she looks like a nan now. Yeah, a little pink bob. She's a pink bar. Yeah, like, Ritz.

This is, my daughter is showing, like, she's nine, so she's not old enough to do any of these things. But you know, as you get to know, you kid, you're like, I can see where this is going. Yes. She's going to be, like, dramatic. She's going to be a bit of a sort of drama kid. She's going to get into bands to the point where it's her whole life.

I can see their hair's going to get dyed. I don't think she's going to be like a prissy dolly teenage girl. I think she's going to get into her music. I think there's going to be piercing issues. I just can see it coming. Whenever there's a potential to wear an accessory, which looks a bit mental, she fucking loves it. And I just feel like dyed hair

in five, six years is going to be... Would you let her make any of these decisions now? If she came in, I was like, I want to mowach. I want to look like Mar-a-Wan-Shamach. She does love. Dan, if she comes in and she throws Mar-a-Wanshan-Mach, Mark's name, Dan, you go, yeah. I'd be like, have you been speaking to Uncle Carl?

If she throws Mar-a-wan-Shimach, oh, she can do whatever she wants, even I forgot about him. He was really, like, quite highly racist, and it never really worked out to an arson. No. Yeah, he could hold the ball up, though, and that's what she'll always say.

What if she came home tonight from school? I meant, Dan, I want to, like, I think I'm a bit of a punk. I want to change me here. I want to be Oberfemi-Martins. Classic punk reference. Which is like, yeah, like I found this band and all the girls and I've got like shorter,

like jaggedy, like different hair. Can I do that? Would you say no? Listen, darling, I totally respect your independence, but I'm deferring to your mother. No, but what if, like, one of the Lord of, like, let's have a chat about it? What would your opinion on it be?

Would you do? No, she's nine cars. She can't have a mohawk. No, not Moor. I don't care how much you love Shamack. No, not Moe-Up. Why, she gets big into

Sheenade O'Connor and she wants to do buzz cut. Shaved the head. Well, then, you know, I'll do it for her. We'll have the same hair cut. She already looks like me. No, but Sheenaid O'Connor's not, like, she's not bald. She's like buzz cut. There's like a bit of...

Yeah, it's a zero or a one or something, isn't it? Yeah. It's a one. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's not slap. It's not slap. Your Turkish knife, aren't you? Your Gillette. That's what they call it.

That's my nickname. The Turkish knife. Now, what if you went, yeah, I love this band, this new band, you won't even know with them. Dad, they're from Leeds. They're cool.

And she's like, these have all got this cool. That is a real... No, like an underground band and you wouldn't know them. Would you let her? Everyone's into K-pop and she's into a band from Leeds?

Why not? Right, all. That's amongst from Sheffield. And they're all shaved head. No, not she, but like they've got like a bit of a different hairstyle. A bit of a more. Yeah, she can fuck off.

She's in year five. Oh, really? Yeah. What are we doing? I mean, eventually, I'm not going to be able to fight it. At this age, we've got some authority to be like, you can't have a Mohawk or a fucking skinhead. No, it's not that, it's just like a bit of a different air code. What if she wants to get in, she's into like Paul Weller?

Yeah, like a mod air cord. Yeah. Because that's like not like too short, is it? Oh, I put the shit. No, she can't do any of this. You've got to, there's got to be some more. authority. You can't have a Paul Weller or a Leeds local pub band hair court. And what if she's like, yeah, I like the, I like Doc Martins and like wearing a bit like

punky, like, um, seeing This is England. That kind of vibe. Yeah, yeah. What if she started dress like, like, dress like smell? Yeah, she can go, This is England. Yeah, we'll get some dogs. Would you be okay with that? Yeah. Yeah, she's about to be, she's allowed to be also. She's about to get personal. It's got fuck your hair completely. Well, she likes Dr. Martin and she wants to look like Martin Clune. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we've already taught. She's, she's, she's really into Martin clones and marijuana shamak.

What if she likes Dr. Martin Luther King and she wants to black up? There's the line. I don't know if he'd want that. We've already had to speak to the headmistress

about this. She took Black History Month a little too seriously last year. So if she comes in going MLK, you're like, whoa. Am I mentally? There's when you're under,

at 16, I know my kids there's no point fighting stuff. To an extent you're going to have to let something roll. 16's old. I totally get it. They're under 10.

I'm the fucking emperor. 16's old though. How old are all you kids? 7 and 10. 7 and my little girl is 7 and I've known for years already we're going to have a lot of these issues. A lot of she's going to be herself. She already is.

She's already pushing back on stuff. Even with music, you know. My wife bought it some K-pop thing and she was like, that was shocking. Oh, really? Wow, we have no opinion on that. That was so shocking. What was she into?

A bit of every, like, I, be listening to maybe Fontains in the car or something like that or you know she likes that kind of thing maybe. Why did you wife buy K-pop

without knowing for sure she's into K-pop? I think she did like it. I think whatever, it had seen one movie or something or whatever it was and she thought she would like it but there wasn't a whole lot

off on the movie and it was like a K-pop tribute band. One of the sneaky like class things about being a parent is the bit where you're on a drive or whatever you stick on Spotify and you go what do you think of this

and they get into the bands that you rate. Yes. And you're writing the coding because you're, I fucking love it. You've got edited to Zach Brian, because you started listening to Zach Brian

after that took you to Zach Brian. I think my daughter is a Wombats fan. She'll fucking ask for them every time. Vampire Weekend and the Wombats, which says a lot about what's coming up on my Spotify. That's a serious, yeah. I'd run the jewels on repeat for quite a long time. With your seven-year-old?

She was a lot younger than seven at the time. Right. And I had to stop because repeating quite a lot of the lyrics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My kids don't. listen to a lot of hip-hop, because I'm not explaining what's going on. No, you don't need to explain.

They've worked. They've got Google. Get them just listen to white rappers. Yeah. We're under duels. One of them's white, so it's okay. Lubei Fiasco, never swears. Eminem, Machelmore,

vanilla ice. And then if they're like, I like the beats of this, I like the rhythm of it, then when they're old enough to understand that the N-word's problematic and they shouldn't say it. Rick Ross.

Rick Ross. Jack comes on like that. Put a bit of Rick Ross on there. I want to switch lanes on the gap. Not till year nine. You're too young for Rick Ross. My dad, my kid's like, but I'm hustling. Every day I'm hustling.

Oh, God. I don't know how that was about my daughter so much. Because it's about to welcome to you and she's about to find what she loves. I don't like Martin Clune so soon. Or Martin Luther King. I think every parent knows that there's going to be a difficult Martin Cloone's era with your daughter and I just, you know, I'm going to go through it. Is that a path?

It has to be a pot. It's inevitable. I have no more. Chris, tell everyone where they can find you online and anything you want to tell them about tours and specials and stuff. Amazing. Yeah, I'm Chris Ken Comick, I think, on everything.

Yeah. Chris Ken Comic and just Chris Kent on YouTube and I have a tour all over Ireland. Chriskencom. We'll be adding a UK tour soon as well. So keep an eye out. Class. Well, as of the week, this goes out.

I am now on tour starting in, Cork, actually. The Opera House, great venue. Adam Road.com. At UK, going all over the place over the next couple of months. We start in Cork, we hit Dublin, and then we come back and do the whole

of England and Scotland. I will see you on the road. Get some tickets. Dan Friends is going very well. Most of the shows are sold out now. There's tickets available in Brighton, Leeds, Cardiff, Birmingham. I reckon the rest are nearly sold out.

So come and see me. and my very funny friends, Dan Nightingale.com. There might be some film club tickets left. Probably like a handful. If there is, go on Czech, a Halloween special.

Lovely. That's a pod. Chris, appreciate you. Thanks so much, guys. Thanks for having me. Bye, Felicia.