Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #404 with Simon Wozniak - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: October 24, 2026

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.co.ukDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comCarl's Stream: https://twitch.tv/senseicarl_MAD THAT w/ Harry & Carl: madthat.comFinnlay K FINAL GIG TICKETS: https://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Liverpool/Jacaranda-Baltic/Finnlay-K-Farewell-Show/42670455/Finnlay K - Whole Again: https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/WHOLEAGAINLIVEAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:LEBOM | https://lebom.app/i/haveawordJoin our Have A Word football prediction league and see if you can beat the Lids.Manscaped | https://manscaped.comGet The Beard Hedger Plus for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code WORD 15 at Manscaped.com!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/haveaword Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everyone. Before we get going with this amazing episode of the Have a Word podcast, need to tell you about our Patreon. If you've been watching and listening to Have a Word for ages, you've heard loads of this, but if you knew, you need to know that we've got one of the best patrons in the world, one of the biggest patrons in the world, we put out a ton of extra content. What do they get, call? There you get, a Patreon special every month, which is like a TV level broadcast. Just giving to you every single month, and that ranges from us getting drunk. in this studio to climb on the highest

mountain in Africa and everything in between. Loads of them. The back catalogue, there's now like 50 odd specials. Do you know what? There's 69. I don't know that because it's a sex number. It is. And we did a special 69, no we didn't. But we've got a

lock in for September. So Sandro came in absolutely brutal locking. That is this month's patron. Next month's patron is a long-awaited one. October is first ever stand up. Did me first ever stand up gig.

You can only see that on Patreon. It'll never go public. Three pound a month. You can see every minute of everything we've ever made for as little as three pound when you sign up. And then you're like, I don't know. Specials don't seem enough. What about an extra episode?

Every week. A patron exclusive every week. This is as good as it's ever going to get on Patreon. Sign up. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. And if you're watching this because you've found us through D&D, which is massive. And you're thinking, I love D&D.

I love this part. I sort of starts listening to. If you want next month's D&D episode, it will be available on Patreon before it goes public. There's another reason to sign up. We are D&D people. We are.

I can't believe I'm saying it, but we really love it. Just get on it. It's genuinely worth every penny, I promise. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy the episode because it's going to be a bell sir. Nice. Wagwag leads,

you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn This is the one and only Have a word This episode is brought to you by NordVPN The very best in protecting your online activity

Go Ed, get on me Oh, it's cozy season, isn't it? I think you've already announced it was cozy season I don't think I've ever said cozy season before Oh, did he say layering season? I put the heat on last night I had that on this morning I stayed at my mate Matt's house this weekend

in Salisbury and he was like, I didn't think we were going to be, didn't need to put the heating on until November. Like, are you, are you being a bit tight? How was his French wife? She's on good form. Got good, got good jam.

Oh, I bought the jam, the running bit. I buy jam for Marion. I've left it at home. I'm gonna have to post jam in one of the most middle class moves of my life. Yeah, heating on this morning. Heating on last night. Made me first proper.

No second proper. Like dinner. I don't really cook in the summer, not loads, because it's far, in it. And you can just go out or you can order it in or whatever. Because the kitchen's already warm

and then you're warming up too much. Whereas if it's the winter and it's all warm in the kitchen because you're cooking, that's nice, you want that. Also, like, in the summer, not that like I'm opposed to a winter pint,

but in the summer, it feels like there's more spontaneous opportunities for pints. So you don't plan to cook Tuesday night, because you might end up fucking putting all your stuff that you've bought in the bin and going to pub. Hundreds, that's what I'm like. Put all on the bit.

Not the fidge. The bid. What is the point of me putting out like meal plans and what were the recipes and getting that all printed out and laminated when I might be down the boozeer every night. That's what I say, man. Down the sogle arms.

Having a pint with my enemy. But last night I made a spag ball. Spagui. The ball of gnazy. What? Just in case you didn't get the first one that everyone knows. had something like I came out, I got some.

I told Carl, I was like, hey, on the way home from the gym, your dinners sorted. Don't worry, lad. And he turned up with his beard. Did he have to say it all manly and hard like that? Because you made your best friend a little bit of a snack. It wasn't a snack. Come round, meat.

It was a hearty meal. Proteined a lot. It was great. It was really, very nice. Yeah, really, really nice. So hang on, you don't cook in the summer because you might end up in the pub. I just don't plan to. Right.

You know what I mean? I've been planning this, Bolognais since Saturday. I was, yeah, I was promised it than like before. So you were on a major national comedy tour doing a large theatre in real and you were like, yeah, great show, Spagball, Tuesday.

Is that how your head works? Yeah, I looked at me weak and I was like, do you know what? Because it is the thing with a spaghetti ball on any is done, especially during cozy season when you've got your comfies on, do you know what I mean?

You can have a cozy night in where you're doing it. You got your jumper on, you're doing whatever you want to do. You're not meant to cook a fucking spag ball with a jumper on. Depends how. Like bull. Depends how you're feeling.

But my plan, my plan initially was, because a Bolladay is a good one, takes at least three hours, probably four. Once it's on, there's prep time before that. Oh,

right? But ideally, you want to get it all into your big Dutch oven, yeah? You leave it on the hob on a small ring, even if it's a big pint,

you want it on a small ring as low as it can go, low and slow, right? You get it on, and you just fucking leave it for three hours. and all the flavour intensifies. So my plan was Monday, put it on the hob,

go and play footy. By the time I come back, Spag ball is ready. Did you play footy in a jumper or did you take the... A zip up. Oh, right. Yeah, but I took it off once I'd warmed up. Oh, okay, yeah.

Because my initial sprints around the fibre side pitch really gets the blood pumping. Anyway, I picked my messrs up from work. She was like, I don't want to eat at half eight when you get in from Fussy. I wanted to eat earlier. So don't do the Spag Ball tonight. And I was like,

God, I calm down, right? Just got engaged by the way. You'd be like, have they been married 35 years? No. So I pushed it back to last night. I had a little cozy night in. My missus was in work. My fiancé, A, was in work until about...

She said six o'clock, but she surprised me. I texted at six. I was like, oh, you're finishing soon? She was like, I'm nearly home. All right, nearly home. And we had our first meeting with a potential wedding planner on Zoom. at 7 o'clock.

So I had to keep sort of leaving the wedding planning meeting just to give the Bollonet's little cheque and his stay, you know. But I discuss some options. Add a Spag ball. Liverpool played, you know. Starts quite exciting.

I mean, the first 20 was pretty ropey. You were there? Yeah, I was there. It got better. Did get better. Ria Ungamower's quite the talent. Yeah. Yeah.

Nice Tuesday. Really good, wholesome Tuesday. How much red wine is in it? How much red wine was in it? Oh, are you blathered? I wasn't blathered. I mean, it was so good, but I was like, this red wine. Oh, you can taste it?

Yeah. Maybe like a third of a bottle. Big night out for you, Carl. Yeah. I mean, all the alcohol will have been cooked off it, so you won't have any. No, I mean, I was obviously, you smashed for it.

The, uh, the flavour should be in there. Yeah, you should be tasting notes of blackberries, cherries, and, you know, a prosperous future. That's a good bottle of wine, that, isn't it? I think we've gone from France. What? What is this? Doesn't matter.

It's got hope in it. Do you know why, no? Like, do you, are you good at that, or is that not one of the things you've kind of... I can tell you which ones are red and which ones are white. Right. He's got the eye for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a rosé.

No, I mean... I can see a wine era coming. Oh, I can as well. Oh, like, absolutely. Especially on the weather. I could get into it for sure. I like wine. I do.

I tend to just look, like, if I get given a wine menu, I look at the prices. And I try and go in the upper half of the middle. Yeah. So let's say, obviously normally there's like a hundred in a good wine gaff. But let's say there's just five options. And you've got the cheapest. The cheapest is option one. The most expensive is option five.

I'm a four. You want the breastfoot of wine. Like up there, but not the most expensive. No, more like the, uh, this season's Liverpool. Like really good. It's not going to win, though, is it? I know that. It's not going to win the award.

Like a good one. I'm a three or a four. depending on the occasion, you know what I mean? Very rare. Three or four bottles? No, three or four on the scale. That's a fucking big spag ball.

Do you think you'll have a dutty wine here? Do you know what a dutty wine is, Adam? Nope. All this gear, isn't it? Your song. Like Beyonce. Sean Paul. I love it.

Yeah, it's all that gear. I didn't used to like white wine, but I got into it on my last tour. That's a white wine. They can't wine, really. Natural wine. I don't know what that means.

I mean either, but it is nice. If you're talking with Jack Finnegan and Alfie Brown, you'll discover natural wine. That's, that's sort of where I got into me, my whites and me, my naturals. I mean,

out of context. I think Dan's laptop. Oh, context, don't it? You've not far off. But yeah, I mean, yeah,

I, I like wine. I don't really know what I'm talking about. I, yeah, it's wine, nah, and then they're chinny, do I mean?

But also, you've just been like, what, three or four bottles of wine. Like, like, between me and Alex, we could easily do

three bottles in for hours. Yeah, because you're the best type of alcoholic. It's amazing to watch. I love it. You make boozing look so good. And you found a woman to marry who loves it as well. It's the dream. You do it really well.

Johnny Bongo, the best type of alcoholic. And I know he's not an actual alcoholic, but it kind of is. Will Huchby makes it look good, apart from the smoking. That looks grim. But it's that kind of boozing that everyone's like, they're living the life. I just, you know, obviously, as a younger man when he came to drinking, I was, let's go out and just drink until I can't see every. nice of the week. And you get to a certain point, like, so it's a 31, 32. You're like,

this is going to... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're black out making a spag bulb. And that's not. That's not safe. Why don't you start drinking in the house? Just get like, get yourself, because you're saying... Well, I, I spent the summer having a stray apparel when I fancied it. I had all the ingredients in the outhouse. Like a fosters, like a can. Oh, yeah. A couple cans of fosters. A couple of approles. And then, you know, a four pack of fosters. If I'm ever having a can of Fosters in the house. Honestly, I need an intervention. I'll tell you that right now.

My mum drinks Fosters in the house. It's like your mum collects footies. It checks out. That reads like bog graffiti. Your mar drinks, Foster's in the house. I think that's more for the fact that she's from Yorkshire

and she's cheap and Fosters is like a cheap air. I very rarely drink in the house. Alex has mentioned this a few times because we've got like quite a big alcohol cupboard with loads of really good stuff in it, but we just never touch it. The reason, we had a couple of wines last night because we would have,

we felt a bit romantic, you know. We were having a meeting with a wedding planner on Zoom. Something like, like, that's a time to get, go. And also, I'd already open the bottle to cook the ball and needs.

It was like, like, fucking chin. Is there any other booze that you cook with? Is it just red, red wine? Vodka. Some pastas,

isn't there? Yeah. Can make a vodka sauce for pasta. Goldies have got a vodka pizza. That seems to be a new, like, trendy thing. The vodka piece.

It's a very old school, like, proper Italian mobster thing, but it is become a more and more mainstream. Last 12 months, I've seen it a lot more. Blue Wicked. The vodka...

What are you cooking? I make her cheese toastie. The vodka sauce pizza at Goldies is, in my opinion, their best slice. Oh no, I like the luau me. That is not an ad to put the ham on that. I like a pineapple and ham. I know people don't.

Unbelievable. Yeah, I respect the pineapple and ham now. I didn't used to respect it. I do respect it. Still not for me. The vodka sauce with the basil. or Pesto when it is world-class. To answer your question,

you can, a lot of peppercorn sauce, that goes with like steak and stuff, is often made with brandy. Is it? Or whiskey, but brandy really. So brandy's used a fair bit in cooking. And when I make a pan of scouse, a stew,

it's got a full can of Guinness in it. A couple of Yeager bombs. That'll wake you up need. That's fucking grim. Have ever another Guinness case? I think that might be the worst use of a Guinness for me. I mean, I know you're like, oh no, the Pana Scouse. So great.

It really adds to it. Porn it over a child, Ed. You weren't you've just been diagnosed with HIV. Big fucking Pannascause. So you're right out. Who's that? I don't know. I think all you scouts just think,

once you're ill, get a pan of scouse going and you'll be fine. You've just been diagnosed with HIV. Yeah, if you've got a cold. If you've got bumolides. It's not going to do anything for you, me. Two cans of Guinness. So yeah. The fucking biggest.

dirty slop of a stew. Blue Wiccans nice, though, isn't it? I had Bacardi Breeser in Benadolm when we went with Johnny Bongo for the first time since I think 2002. They went Bacardi breezers that were like, Breaser! Yeah, they didn't plastic bottles and that makes them warm up dead quick.

Yeah. Well, I was trying to booze. The bar where there was a mechanical bull, I was like, I'm going to buy everyone a shot. And I went, can I have eight shots? And he went, you can have 24. for free. I'd suggest they're a little watered down. Yeah,

I'll tell you what, just have these, because I've already poured them and they're getting in my way. 24 shots, but a little, sort of, what are they called?

Alcup pops. Out of nowhere. Quite enjoyed it. The sugar gives you the kick. Me and Adam drank. I wouldn't cook with it. No. Me and Adam drank a lot of shots

in the show up here at the time. And our, I mean, this is Benendome. Spoiler. Our pub fitness came into light. very quickly.

Adam was fine. We had four shots. And then two more. Yeah. I mean, I genuinely was all right, but he was a question. I was fucking blather. Well, it sounds like you out of not,

but basically without spoiling the special, we were already at a place, doing something. And you turned up slightly later in the second wave, sober. And it was too much, won't it? We needed to be drunk to be there. That was a sensible, we need to.

six shots immediately. Yeah. Otherwise, you do just that to leave. Yeah. Yeah. Remedy fully agrees. There must be a gap in the market

for like sugar-free alka-pops. Like, someone's got to go on Dragonsden's den and do that. Protein alco-pops. Yeah. Healthy. All healthy-ish. Have you seen that Advent calendar?

That's going vital? No. It's a high, high-protein Advent calendar. Like, because obviously that's like the in thing this year, isn't it?

Like, let's get protein. Like chicken? No, it's a chocolate advent calendar but they've put like protein powder in the chocolate so it says 48 grams of protein on it but that's two grams per per chocolate. Yeah, listen I like the gym but when you've got a protein

Advent calendar, probably just calmed down a bit. I lived with a girl at uni and early on into our first year we all booked like we all signed a contract to all moving together in the second year to get a good house and then after about two months you just disappeared off the face of the earth and we had no idea if she was in a room or like,

I think she went back home for a bit. But the only reason we knew that she was coming in every day is because in December, her Advent calendar was opening. And she was coming back to do her lectures and then her mum would drop her off to eat her Advent calendar chocolate and go home.

Is it mad if she'd been like murdered but her murdered? I was like, I've got to keep this ruse up. I'm going to go and have a chocolate. Yeah, I know the date. Did you speak to it ever again? Lived with her. After that, I mean.

At what time of the day do you think she was coming in for the Advent Thank Caledda? We don't, we never saw, we, we lived with her in second year, and then I lived here again in my fourth year, and we got on or whatever, ended up a bit weird. Where was she from originally? Bolton. But she, like, I think she was having a bit of a rough time, and I think she had an ex-feller who

was mentally, who was robbing all her guttering. Robin all of it? Yeah, there was a whole thing. What do you mean all of it? Well, there's a whole thing where she came in, she was like, let's call him Jeff. He was like, Jeff's robbed all me guttering. were a bit off and on at the moment. She was a student.

Yeah. And in Bolton in her family home, her ex-boyfriend had tried to get back at her by stealing the guttering off her family home. He was mental. That's pretty petty reverting to that. Yeah, because Elvatarna damped seeping. Keep the guttering out.

You know what I mean? Like you probably wouldn't notice for the bit. You go, God, there's a lot. What's my damp in here? The gutterings gone. You wouldn't notice. Would you, if you'd notice there, would you notice your guts?

Would you? Pretty quick, I think. I don't think he would, you know. How? You go and go, well, all the gutters are still in there, Lorda.

Because the house would look different. You know, because there'd be no guttering anywhere. How much gutterin's on your house? I've got a fair bit of gutterin, mate. I don't know where my gutterin is. It's at the edge of your roof.

Yeah, at the edge of the roof, yeah. Oh, yeah, no, I had to get mine fixed when I moved in because it was letting the dam stuff when the, when the, when the dam stuff comes from the sky. The rain to water.

That's the top. But I think he was taking it to sell. How much scurring? Who's buying second-eyed gutter? Like scrap. Like scrap? Like for scrap. Plastic, aren't he?

I don't he? It gave off that vibe. Are you scrap plastic? He once went mad at us. I love when Harry tells these stories. He's got the first bit of fact. Then we ask a question and then he starts freewheeling. I got top.

No, probably for plastic scrap. I don't know if you know the plastic market in Baltimore. It's gone through the roof last 10 years. That was what was in my, when she went, yeah, he's been taking the piping and stuff like that. Oh, yeah. Like he's getting. I was like, oh, he's doing it for scrap. That was that kind of vibe.

I mean, he once came in and screamed us because we put hot stuff on the ob. He was like, you're going to smash the ob. He was a bit mad. But yeah, she went back to Bolton for a bit and come in, take her out of hand calendar. And then we lived together. And then she wanted to have a barbecue in the final year.

And we still hadn't finished. She'd finished like a week before us. And we are, can we do it next week? And she, next day, her mom had come in and packed everything up and she'd gone and unfollowed. everyone because we didn't have a barbecue. Are you still in touch with anyone you went to uni with? Yeah, Matt, I just stayed at his house, yeah.

Did you deliver him? No, we did Newcastle student radio together. Isn't he a dentist? What, did you have like, shocked jock names? Is DJ Denny? He did, oh my God, he did. DJ Danny and the Stoge. We did breakfast Monday and Thursday.

How many listeners? Well over 200. DJ. Danny. And the stooge. DJ Danny and the stooge. Yeah, what were you like?

Jingles. We had loads, yeah. We had loads. He did them. Do you reckon you've got any, have you got any of the shows? No. I got the breakfast show.

And I'd already quit uni. So I wasn't at uni and I was doing the... Just further laugh. You just kept doing it. But I wanted to... Like I'd quit you. Like a Geordie Robin Williams, weren't you?

Yeah. That's what he said. Good. Morning, Newcastle! I'm the stud. Well, he wasn't like fighting, was he? But he was doing the radio? You weren't studying, but you were doing the radio?

That's absolutely right, Adam, yeah. I was, yeah. And everyone kept saying it. You're like Robin Williams. I was like, yeah. Were you doing it like the old paved ones? Like Stanley, I'm on the radio now. Hello, good morning.

Yeah, because it was in 1928. Hello, it's DJ Danny. I'm broadcast for all the students of the University of Newcastle. The traffic is terrible today. Three horses are blocked the way. The king has. coming to town. This is DJ Danny and the Stoge.

Imagine if we've been called DJ Danny and the Stoge. Oh my God. Yeah, we did it. I did it for a month because we only got license for a month. Oh. You can only... Would you do like CB Radio? Why can you do pirate radio on the time?

Yeah, on the boat. Yeah. Take over the nightclub. That's what pirate radio is, isn't it? You have to do it on a boat. Yeah, Radio Caroline, like that sort of stuff. You had to go to international waters so you could play any of the music you wanted to.

There's any Somali pirate. radio. Did that become Radio 1 basically? No, no, no, really good. So Radio 1 was going, but the BBC were refusing to play. I think is my understanding. We were refusing to play. They were literally trying to do their like, this is Radio 1. Yeah, yeah. And then, uh, what's his face? John Peele, Tony Blackburn. And was it John Peel? And the Stoge. I think it was John Peel as well, did Radio Caroline because they could play like, rock and roll, Cliff Richard and stuff like that. I'm a celebrity

I'm a celebrity blackburn there's a fact was it the first one yeah how would Somali Somali pirate radio go what are we doing listen to me listen to me

I am the stooge now I am the stooge he got paid 50 grand for the acting and the stooge he got paid 50 grand for that acting role and now he's selling phones again like he was a phone guy did that

Tony Blackburn yeah yeah Tony Blackburn the supporting cast member of have you seen Captain Phillips because Tony Blackburn's in it. Alan Brazil.

Alan Brazil's Tom Hanks. Mad film this. You should do as a film club. But now he's back to just being a... And he's such a meme guy, isn't he like that, saying? And I think he would do nominate him for Oscars, I imagine. And now he's just...

Seems like they would be. Yeah, now he's just a... Is he genuinely back? To be in this, like a phone. Well, Ackon's a cruel mistress, isn't it, then? Yeah, yeah. It's a cruel game. You know, you think you've got six now.

Yeah. You're doing one. Well, now, you're in Hollywood. Next minute. You're in Somalia, selling phones. The picture. Charlotte Church has a, got like a little shop in Wales, aren't she?

What? She's just got a little shop now. She wasn't a little shop. She also, I think, I think, yeah. No, but I think singing's more like, I do that for me. Like, she's got a little, you know, one of those shops where it's like, d'l-l-l-l-l-l-ing, when you go in.

And it's like, spice shop. She hasn't, she's not, she's not just running a McCalls on the corner. No, it's like Charlotte's shop. I thought she had a pub. No, it's, I, I, She invested in a pub, so she sort of got, but she doesn't work in the pub.

She works in... Charlotte. Notebooks and socks. You know one of those? Yeah. She does meditation, don't she? I don't know.

She's all into that. What are you asking me? She's actually a good follow. She sells like fucking candles and incense and what's the other one called? Popery. All right. You know one of those shops

that like women love going into when you're just in a little town? You go to Wales for the day with Laura. Yeah. And she's, She's like, let's pop in here and get a hello kissy balloon. Someone's birthday's coming up. I'd like to buy a card.

A little bit of a car. What would you do? Like, if you had to quit comedy and run a shop, because the guy, do you remember the band The Frey? Yeah. The lead... He's in the room.

What's he up to, though? The lead singer from the fray quit music and then moved to run a record shop. He was just like, I'm done. Left the fray and now the guitarist is a singer in the fray. If you'd have to quit comedy and run like your own little shop, what would you, what would you run? What would you like be actually like fulfilling for you? Then I can see you run a vape shop. Yeah.

Phone repairs and vape. Yeah. You can't repair it. The vape and the stew. I do a men's wear cafe nightclub. So in the day. Sounds confusing there. In the day, we sell like nice jumpers.

Good Japanese denim. And a really perfect espresso. Why are Japanese denim? Because it's better from Japan. Why? Is it? Because they make it... Because they make it the way the Americans used to make it.

Okay. So America really sort of like automated their denim making and it sort of ruined a lot of what they... It's now coming back and they're going back to the old ways but Japan bought a lot of the old American machinery. The denim was? Come on. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Because everyone wants to pay $480 quid for a day. Japanese salvaged denim is the best you can get. So I'd sell some Japanese denim. jumpers and jackets and the occasional boot. And then it becomes what? There's three phases to your shop. And then in the evening,

it just becomes a bit of a, you know, somewhere you want to go. Now, maybe like, no, let's not say nightclub. Late night cocktail bar.

Like the one by Patterson's. Is that what it is? Yeah, it does coffee shop in the day and then it's a bar in the evening. They don't sell jackets. There's a gap in the market. Genuinely.

It's not in the wrong denim. Genuinely, love that. Can you buy jackets in the evening? No. Don't be silly, but you can spill drinks on them. That's frowned upon.

Because sometimes when I'm having like, when I'm on my eighth cocktail, I'm like, God, I just want to dance near some Japanese denim. But that's what you'll provide for me. Yeah. Maybe you can buy it in the evening. Yeah.

Have a nogrony. Get yourself a new hat. It's a lot as well. Derby. I didn't appreciate the vote shop. I think that's a dig. What would you be passionate about? though, like pressure washers.

I think I'd love, saying vapes, I'd love a boss man shop. I got, oh, sweets, you'd just, you'd eat all the sweets.

It's all the best sweets, though. It's all the best cans. All the best sweets. International sweets, an international variation. And you know, a Lancashire boss man.

Did you just sell guitars? Um, I can see that for you. I'm not that nerdy about guitars. Do you want a Les Paul? Everyone else in my band cares way more about guitars than I do. You can barely play it.

That is true. Oboes, Yes. Obos. I am passionate about obos. I haven't seen an obo shop in years. Gaff in the market. Yeah.

Oboes and us with Finn. There you go. I can see that. I'm looking at buying an oboe but I just want somewhere to drink cocktails later. Don't worry. We sell cocktails in oboes. What would you want to do? Obos all on the one roof.

It's called oboes are us. I thought maybe like a wear that was some hobo. There's milk. Millions of old millions. It's about 50 obos. There's 50 oboes all on the one room. Maybe like old tech, like iPods. Game Boys.

Yeah. Like the nostalgia tech. Like, naughty's tech. Like a cooler CX. Which one with CX? Oh, like a hipster CEX. Yeah.

You have to stop wearing deodorant. No, but that's the difference. That's how you get it. Yeah, we wear deodorant in this one. But 90s deodorant. Well, what's that? Links. Oh.

Yeah, yeah. Links purely for the 90s. I think it definitely turned up around then. What was doing before that? A butchers or something? A butchers, yeah. I'd have a butcher's shop when you go in and buy butcher shops.

A butcher's shop shop? Yeah, it's like Florida the property corner. But it's for butchers. On the fireways and chill, you go, I'm looking to buy a butcher's and you go, you come to the right place. Hey, that's gone, you know. It's a dentist now.

Can you buy any meat? at your butcher's you can buy meat at the butcher's shop you buy at the butcher's shop but Dan don't come in here looking for meat

we sell butcher's shops yeah there's gonna be a bit of confusion isn't there genuinely what would yours be or mine would be a corner shop like a boss man shop

he says boss man he means like the big old he means like the tax dodge fronts I think don't like American sweet gaff yeah I mean the Liverpool you are

blessed with boss man shops but I've had like a like a the shops I went to when I was a kid. You mean like the one in Corrie? Yeah. Yeah, like an old-fashioned.

Like, you know, and I can organize me chocolate and, you know, it'd be sick. Like, it would be, like,

when we, I love fill in that fridge, man. I think that's the same thing, isn't it? I think it would lend, let us off to autism.

Yeah. Florist, but then in the back, Russian roulette room. You know, like when, so it's like, it's like,

rush hour too. Yes, the florist is there, and then in the back, it's just people with, like, bandad or something like, ah!

Oh, not gambling. Like... Then there's loads of Asian men. They play that game where they all push the tiles into the big hole. Yeah, yeah. And everyone wins

and you don't know why. What's the code? When they come in, what flower or bouquet did they have to ask for a ticket? I'm after some flowers, please. No, that's... What bouquet of flowers?

Blow the head off. Because then you're going to get someone who's like, has got a dead relative as part of them. Where are the roses? Again, very generic. Have you got any lilies?

Why are they winking? Just the wink? Just what can we go? Where's the Russian roulette going on? Oh, there you go. Not as subtle. They've got flowers behind. Yeah, just, you could call it.

Can I have a bunch of Russian roulette, please? I'd have to get someone to run the flower bit, though, because I've got hay fever. Why have you made the flowers? They've made it a certain else. No, because no one expects a florist. Yeah, that's true. Always. Florists are always, like, wholesome.

Have you seen the town? No? No. No. Spoiler. Is there a flaw? It's it, yeah. Unbelievable film.

The bad guy in it is a fucking flores. Good Ben Affleck. Pete Potslwyke. What? You scouse him. Is he? Is he? He pass out of it? Yeah.

He's a fucking, he's a good actor. No spoilers. I saw I'm on a train to Ludlow once. I reckon he was really grumpy. Are you sure it was him? Oh my God. I think he looks the most like him. Two years before he died.

Kind of looks a bit like my alfeller. He does a little bit Anonyesta. Yeah. Yeah. I know who it is. Yeah. With the mustache.

Yeah. Yeah. He's sick. Is Kaiser Soz's assistant and the usual suspects? He's in Inception, isn't he? Is the Alfeller in Inception in the bed? Is he unusual suspects?

Yeah. I don't think he. Unbelievable actor. Is he an Inception? What did you say? He said that's seven. He is an inception. Inception.

I've searched. Is he an in-sept, obscure flowers, Harry? He's in the usual suspects. Yeah. I think if someone came in and asked for the giant meat-scented corpse flower, that would be a good one.

Nice. You have to get your cock out. Or just something they'd never ask for. You know what I mean? Chips. Yeah. Oh, man, you got any chips? There's a flower shop.

If we just get, like, a flower of people playing Russian roulette, it didn't want to. How did you cover up the noise? Of what? A gun? Silencers. Get some wild flowers.

How'd you play Russian roulette? Yeah, how would you... You get a gun. Right. The battle. And someone's on the other side. So you're playing with it. Yeah.

You play against each other. You play with yourself. So... You can play with someone else. Yeah, but you put one bullet in the gun. Right. Spin it. Yeah.

Right. And then pass the gun over. Yeah. Right. That's like the... That's like a battle version of it. Yeah. Who's betting on...

How do you make the... How are the Asian guys betting on it? You'll work this out. Who dies? Yeah. It's who dies. But also you can do... Russian roulette roulette, where you get a roulette wheel as well.

Oh, yeah. And it's like if your number comes up, not only do you get your winnings, but you get to choose your rest of try and blow their own head off. Sounds God. I'm going to be careful where I buy flowers. Can you, you know, if you spit it and it goes in, you're like, nah, this one's probably got a bullet in. Could you just shoot the fella in front of you?

No. That's not Russian. That's just murder. You've got the gun, though. So you are in control at that point. No, I'm referee. I'm Herb Dean. No, whoever's got the gun.

They get shot and go, What happens if... What happens if you're playing Russian roulette? Yeah. And then you see the bully. You know, you can see... Because you can't see into the battle if you look.

You know, that's that's fat form in Russian roulette, surely. Oh, for fuck, see. Oh, shit. My kid's got judo. Gotta go. My bad. Got to drop him off and pick up, so.

But then you're never going to fight the back. You know? Don't bring him again. He cheats. Can they bring me matey's sound? And you can turn the people into compost for the flowers. It all works. Wow.

Yeah. Why is my bouquet of flowers? What's the flores called? Harry's Floresry. Russian roulette flowers. People are going to go. Because it's hiding in plain sight. Russian roses.

Nice. Russian rosette roulette. The logo's a gun with flowers. Or blow your head off in the back. flowers in the front. Like a mullet. Bates. I think the podcast needs to just keep going,

do you? Do we have a little break? Yeah. All right. You should sign up to our Patreon, shouldn't you, Adam? Yeah, there's loads on there. So loads on there. Sign up.

This is your first episode. You're like, oh, is this all they do? No, we do loads more for £3 a month. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. And unlock the Have a Word universe. Seventy specials. Over 70 specials? And you get them all by paying

quid, every one, every minute of it, every we've ever made is unlocked. And an extra episode. I think we should put the Patreon up to 25 quid a month. I think it'll still be worth it. We won't. It's three. There you go.

22 pound off starting right now. That's sick. Wow. That's so generous. Do you remember the gentleman's, was it called the officer's club? The clothes shop that was permanently 70% off. We had one in Preston.

When I was about 14, 15, that was my vibe. but they only ever advertised the price. Like the FS. So it was like, if it, basically, if a top was 100 quid,

it said 100 quid on the label, but then all, the sign was like 70% off everything. Like Sports Direct. Yeah. That's now illegal, isn't it? Andy Burnham's,

so you can't do that anymore. Oh, Andy bum bum, Bund, Bund. Andy Burnham. He said you're not allowed to advertise false prices

that they never were. Yeah, all right, well, not for patron. Patreon is 25, fuck Andy Burnham, meet the big lefty pig.

There you go, is that the balance you wanted. You commenting cuns Are you stopping the Yeah, you He's stopping the people playing Music on trains and stuff, isn't he? Because he's a lefty pig!

Yes! Doesn't like music! He's got my vote Great. Is that genuine? They're making it illegal. Oh! No, it's under quid fine and it's...

And you can't spit if people or attack them anymore either. Or vaib. What's part about my shop? No volleying children in the face outside Woolworth? I think that's quite long. It's a fucking show? What is this an accident?

Lefty pit? Feels like a long-standing one. You would accidentally kick a child in the face, wouldn't you? Is that why Woolworth's just closed? Because you volleyed a child in front of one. Did Woolworth's closed? Why are you going? Where you went to me?

We went to wrestling and I couldn't wear me glasses and I just trampled on kids for a bit. He did kick a car share thing without my glass. He did genuinely kick a couple of children. But they were in the way. I didn't have me glasses on. He had the mask. In the way, he was sat down.

Wasn't they in the crowd? Yeah, they were sat down. We had a table. They were like, Shea Burnley, who hosts, there's a table for the, have a word, lads over there, and we're walking,

and I couldn't see anything. I had the mask on anyway, and the thing with the mask is, at all time, sponge is just touching my eyeballs. I didn't have contact lenses on. And you didn't want Carl to guide you like you were. Contact lenses in.

No wonder you can't see. If you put them on. Put your cards on, son. Put your glasses in. I think I kicked a drink over, and it was just like, just like mashing kids. I watched you open a pot of fruit and granola

and yogh. before the first thing you did, you took the lid off and they just flick the granola's loose. I want to mix it together, but the, the yoghurt, like the glue of the yogurt is hidden under the layer of granola. Yeah, so you put it in and you slowly mix it. You don't just go, ah, and it's not your first one. What I did, I put it in and then I'll try to, like, I tried to, like, fold it. Fold it, one of that word.

Yeah, but you did it towards you? Like, there's so many angles you could do. You put the spoon that way and went, ah. If anything, I think it's quite good. because away from me was Dan. Oh. I talked to the only two options. There's only two possible directions.

It's not fucking Spino the Dragon. You could just go that way. It's not Spino the Dragon. We've got a question. Back in the day, you could only be a baby. We're going to see a game. Anyway, twist the thing again. So how do you fit down?

22 pound off. Do it again? That's true. Where's her? Where's her? What the hell? Where's your? What a hell?

Where's up. It's good fun. Steph says, just get some headphones. Steph says, I love, all right, then.

Staff said, you'll mess out on the phones. Steph says, get some headphones. Next question. Steph says, I love being at the Premier of the Killie special

and it made me think if you could have been at the first night of anything, what would you pick? So you've got a time-traveling ticket plus one. You don't have to go on your own.

Pyramids? To the opening night of the pyramids. Well, there must have been one. I don't think there was a big launch night. Why? They fucking will be in.

Mate, they finish all that hard work, all the aliens and they're like, let's have an alien party. Right. The first night of the pyramid's being open, like a big gala. And everyone was like, was this aliens? They're like, no, no, no. Was either aliens or loads of Jews.

So we could see loads of Jews. In one place. Sounds like a great party. Yeah, imagine the first night of the sphinx, mate. Totally separate, though, in it? We're still chilling behind them, in it? Oh, they did them together, didn't he?

No. Didn't he? Fuck off. No. What was first? The Sphinx or the Pyramids? I think the Sphinx was before the pyramids, won't it? Was he?

What? Sorry, I tuned out for a minute. How did you tune out? Well, the Sphinx? Because I was Googling about the pyramids. All right. I was, yeah, I was tuned there down now. There must have been like, right, and we're done.

Everyone's going to come and have a gaffe. We're going to have a big... From my understanding, they're not built at the same time. I think the Sphinx is older. No. Isn't the Sphin's head younger, though? Great Sphinx was not built before the pyramid. Were they built at the same time?

Roughly. It must have been a nightmare at that because obviously they want to do a big reveal for the pyramids and the sphinx. And they can see it. Like a hundred years. I suppose they would have had to have stuck the scaffolding down.

So 100 years in between the two. The sphinx is 2,500 BC. The first night of the pyramids then with they're all like pyramid or like dancer around. I don't know if one's going for it. Me surely they're doing this. Open bar.

Open bar. Everyone's dancing like an Egyptian. Borking like an Egyptian. Partying like an Egyptian. that been great you actually made it sound pretty good I think I did the last supper the opening night of the last supper

it's a fucking great I've never had me feet rubbed just Harry sorry I don't think I've ever had my feet rubbed and he rubbed the last supper yeah Jesus started rubbing feet he was washing a rubbing feet wasn't he was washing a rubbing feet no he fucking wasn't he was sat in the middle

doing all this shit and having bullsies he was rubbing feet and I think someone doubting Thomas someone. I was like, get up. You're not touching my feet? And he was like, Cuthers? Yeah, Judas was fine with it.

Judas was like, yeah, and I'll get me foot up. And I'll get some good. It's that guy, you know. It's one thing to set him up to get murdered, but don't let him wash your feet. Where's your moral code on that? What's what you do? Be like, oh, no, don't touch me. You don't want it when you find out what I've done.

Honestly, don't because you make me feel bad. I can't say what's happening. Was Judas real? Like, because Jesus was a real guy, whether you believe he was a magic man or no. Was Judas a real dude? I mean, he's as real as Jesus. Because Jesus was a guy, won't he? Was he?

Probably. As in like there was a person back then. Probably. But it wasn't like a magic man. Like they were like David Blaine shit. It's mad that you believe that, but don't believe any of the bit of history. What you mean?

No, I believe he's a man. You don't believe any bits of history, but you believe Jesus as a fella. He believes Henry the 8th existed. Yeah. Oh, I thought you just... No, what I'm saying is there was a man. Back then, he'd the right now.

I'm going, this man's fucking sick. Yeah, the Black Sea Scroll. Yeah, and now he's just become like Jesus was magic over time. This man existed. I'm just saying was Judas real? Or was that part of story? He's as real. Hang on, wasn't he magic immediately?

Like out of the womb? Oh, he was doing magic as part of the legend. It was happening at the time, wasn't it? Like he was like, right, everyone come. Oh, you didn't bring food. Right, we're going to need bread for 5,000. Bash! Bussies!

Tuna butties. Fish, protein, Jesus, I don't like tuna butties. Hey, short up. Just have a buddy then, just have the bread. I think Jesus said, do leg day or something. Yeah, protein carbs, you sorted for everyone. He was magic right from the off.

The resurrection is the big thing, in it. That is the big thing. That's the one. Would you beat that? The first night's the resurrection? Well, the whole, the only reason people take Christianity in Jesus seriously is the resurrection. That's why, because...

The only reason? It's the fact that, like, people seen him after he was killed. after they went back to the, right, right, go and get him out then, of the tomb, and they were like, fucking hell, he's gone. And then some people were like, geez, oh, there he is. And all, fucking hell, there he is.

Like, loads of people seeing him, didn't he? That's the story. But is he not like Putin with body doubles? Huh? Putin's got body doubles, hasn't he? You saw Michael Jackson now one if you want to go. Yeah. And that's why we're starting the religion.

I think I'd like to have been at, like, the first night of, like, the sixth sense. Not knowing. And seeing, We're not really talked about, the usual suspects, not knowing the twist and the usual suspect. Spoilers, there's a twist in the usual suspect. And me just going, is that Pete Puzzles way?

He's a scourced, don't you know? And people were like better in the cinema back then, I think. Are we going back as us now? Because maybe like half a few of the film, I could go, I reckon Bruce Willis is dead. Oh, you're whispering it. Like, and then I... At the end of this.

No way he's making that. And then you look like a genius. to the two or three people sat around you who you've ruined the film for. I'm not ruined that. I'm just guessing. There's no making good run of film sometimes. Don't guess near me, mate.

Don't be guessing. Laura does this. She's like, that's probably him. You're like, oh, fuck off. Do you not make any assumptions when you're watching a film? I just don't want anyone doing it for me. Let me make my own little assumptions

and also just sometimes let it happen. You don't have to predict. I can't help. It is one of my least favorite things about myself is I can't. watch anything and not try and working out. Yeah. Like I'm always out.

Yeah. And there's so many like, once you sort of figure out, there's a few like sort of storytelling things. Like storytelling devices as soon as you see one. Like once you automatically do this when you're watching stuff, it can ruin a lot of stuff. But do you then go, hey Alex, guess what? This is my theory.

Or do you just like slow cook it in your head? Yeah, I keep it to myself unless she goes. was what? Adam knew Voldemort was there. Bam, Omni off. Second scene of the film when he was nine. Voldemort on the back of his head.

I did it with the passion of the Christ. I was like, that guy's gonna get killed or something. I just had a sense. I don't know. It's not, you can't, I'd be fuming.

I don't think everyone would be like, this kid's a genius. I think they'd be annoyed, don't you? No, I think if you go back, like if we're playing time, traveling, you just don't know.

Okay. What's the fucking point? I changed the film then. I've probably been I'm going but I didn't know when I watched it didn't know what

oh shit yeah you were around I was damn in you the Slavia I'm an OG of the 6th sense I watch it

I went fuck oh my God maybe maybe and this is a half back to this week's Patreon episode

Patreon episode Patreon that comes over maybe the first nice of Shakespeare's first ever play so I could just be like shite

got it oh right Oh, no. Oh, wow. You're going to say shite. You're not going, he's got potential this guy. Well, I don't know. We're not going back with any knowledge, are you?

You say you can't go back and spoil it to your own. Oh, you would have hated it then. Yeah. You would hate it, yeah. It would have stung a poo as well. Yeah. Why? Everyone's pooing.

Why? Because everyone was pooing. Why? I mean, he's right. People be shitting. Yeah. No, what are you talking about? No one was clean.

There was no bins. No one was wiping their ass. Everyone was just throw shit out of your window. What years do you think? They're not just covered in muck. They're not living in fucking huts. In the globe, though, the people who had a bit of money

were around the outside. Yeah, the pit was a bit more sort of like... Yeah, the pit was like... The mosh pit was filled with... Are you wearing your best shit, Marjorie? Of course, I am. It's the theatre. People used to just throw this shit out of the windows

into the street. Like genuine poo. No, they never. Yes, they did. Yeah. You would throw your poo out of the window. They used to shout something, didn't they? Pooh!

Shit! Oh! Four Poo's. Yeah, they did. They threw the... What do they call it? A bag of shite.

A bag of shite. What's how to do with this bag of shite? Bag of shite. That's the first cocaine dealer for the studio. Top window, bam, poo's and you just throw it back. They used to shout guardy loo. As in like, garden toilet. Gardy Lou, I'm throwing this toilet in the garden.

Nobody wasn't in the garden. It was in the street. It was on people's heads and that. People didn't have backgarten. People should have had some more self-respect, man. People did smell a poo. I've Googled it. Google doesn't know that people smell a poo.

No. Full-body baths were very in free... It's not, darling. We've got fucking V-O-5 and showers. It was a lad in the sweet shop in Blackpool. They smelled so bad. I don't think... It's not like everyone just reeked of shit in 1585.

They were absolutely one of stunk of poo. Yeah. Especially there, especially in like... You're just... breathing about the posh people. Think about the working man, then. They're going to theatre. You're so?

Yeah. There's people in the theatre who's think of poo now? The pit was where the scruffs had go. Did they have to tersion? I admit, there will be an unusual aroma to the whole of medieval London. I'll give you that. But not everyone's walking out,

stinking a shit. Were they all, like, nose blind to it? Yeah. So they must have been. They were just like, oh, everything's normal. And we'd be there going. Someone stinks of shit. And they'd be like, oh, I can't smell it.

It must be me. Like in the middle of summer, if there was, like, a plague, they had like... There was always the plague. Yeah, it came round. If it got too hot, then people just started dropping, like, it was pretty bad. And then they'd set fire to them in the middle of the town. All right, well, okay, then, fucking Big Mama's House then? At the Globe.

Whatever? It's a poo. I'd love that. By the way, this is a fucking great shout. Go back to watch Big Bobbers' house. In the Globe in 1585. Watch everyone's head fall off. off.

That's a man. We saw some actors. There was like a visual thing going on at the zoo. We took the kids down to the zoo. As opposed to those audio zoos. And there was like actors doing characters and doing like street performance within, you know, on the streets at the little roads.

Daddy, Daddy, can we go to the zoo and listen to the tigers? And there was these dudes dressed grannies on, on like, you know, like, part of the costume, they can walk around, but it looks like the legs are on the front of like a suitcase or something. And Etta thought it was fucking brilliant.

And Jack was like, completely freaked out. We were like, you're all right, Jack. And he went, those grandmas are men. Wow. Wow. What are you raising? A transphobic child. Really not into it.

What are you telling them then at home? That bars can't be men. Do you see the news about a lot of the time? You know, that safari park or wildlife park where the kid got killed in Yorkshire is like reopened. And the headline was like, Tiger makes first public appearance. Have you seen his face, though? There's a first picture of him when he's a bit like, it's a bit like soz, but I'm a tiger. He's going.

So next question. Lee says, Boys, question for you. If you had the superpower to change your body into any one material or substance, what substance are you picking? I turn myself into gravy and hiding people's roast dinners.

And that's from Lee. You're dying in the gravy boat, surely? Yeah, you're dead. Have you got a gravy boat? I mean, I haven't got a gravy boat. Are you all the gravy boat? Law has probably got... Yeah, it's that big noncy pot thing.

It's the gravy boat, yeah? It's a little... It's quite camping at a gravy boat. Yeah. You can't pop a drive in a gravy. Is there like a modern one? Or did they just get to 19, 20 and go, that is the design and that'll be the design forever?

You could use a jug. But it'd look weird. Or a vase. You're using a vase for your gravy? No, I use a gravy boat. All right. This episode is sponsored by gravy boats. What would you do if you were a gravy?

You'd get, you'd... If you were gravy, if people's roast, dinners, what's, what's the main, what's the end goal there? What a gravy train then? Why are they making gravy into different automobiles? Have I owned rumble sort of here? Wow. Is there a gravy car? Oh, cast equipment should be more expensive.

Is there gravy buses? Every woman, every man join the gravy caravan of love. Oh, it's a job. It's what? Gravy trains a job that generates quick, easy and often undeserved money or benefits with very little effort. Yeah, yeah, no, we just, one of the why it's called the gravy train.

We know what it means. Oh, right, okay. Gravy train origin. And no crimes would stick to me. They called me the Teflon Don. Gravy meant money. He can do crimes and we can't get him. He's bloody Teflon him.

Can I give you the full context and I want everyone to know? Yesterday we went through the questions. This is one that's been sat there for a long time and I've gone, it's probably not going to go well. It's a bit silly. Everyone went, that's fucking great. Not everyone. It is.

Not everyone. And here we are. Why are ignoring my Teflon line, man? It's great. The Teflon dog. I'll be the own arrestable criminal. Or I'd be made out like grease so the police couldn't grab me. It's actually quite boring why it's gravy train.

All right. Gravy meant money and people used to get work on trains. Oh, nice. Way less interesting to pretend to be gravy. Be like, hello, eat me. So what's gonna be both then? It's the name of a thing. it.

Okay. Just checking. Gravy tram. I've gone with Tafflon or grease. Is it? Really well done. Can't touch me. Should we give some advice?

Let's go. Here to help. I'll solve your problems. I'll tell you the best thing to do. If you want to do it, you'll be fine. If you don't, you might do time. Shared responsibility on that one, no. Yeah.

You too. You too. I'm sorry. I just picked that up and fucking woo. You ran with it. Yeah, I ran with that at the fucking park, me. You did. You ran with that.

There's no fault there. Yes, buddy. One of us did. Anonymous. 16-year-old says, higher boys. Keep me anonymous, please. Me and my girlfriend, both 16, have just had the best news. She's pregnant.

She's feeling perfectly fine, but I'm having some thoughts about being a young dad. Any advice will be great. Love the pod. And that is, wow. That's about as young as it goes. isn't it. Shouldn't be listening to the pod at 16.

Why? It's an 18 plus pod. Is it? Is it? That's came round. I think there's fucking 7 year old doesn't source, man. Crack on.

It's real. Our fault. We get shouted at if he's saying anything about Father Christmas. That is true. Oh yeah. Um, I mean,

this is rough in it. No, I don't think he's, he sounds pretty happy. He's just, I think it's healthy to go, oh shit.

It's big on the parents, it's big for their parents. If they're essentially getting another child. What if they're both orphans, Carl? What if they met at the orphanage and they've been lovers ever since? I hope no. That would be unfortunate. They started making love at the orphanage.

They deserve love. Oh, orphans do deserve love. So why are you saying you're open up? Yeah. I'm just saying. I hope they have a village. I hope they have a village around them to help them with this baby. It takes a village to raise a baby or something.

Takes an orphanage to raise, one of its twins? It takes an orphanage to raise a baby. Two orphanages. Ray Twins. And the parents are essentially getting a new baby. Yeah, hopefully. Hopefully they're going to be helping out.

And they're going to be like, all our kids on Instagram, hey, oh, our baby, and then they put him down and go and play the Xbox. One of my greatest sadnesses

with parenting that you can't, it's just, it is what it is, is the kid you added 16 and is the kid I had at 16. And now he's a wolf boy. Little Davy. Little Davy Wolf boy.

Davey the wolf boy. He's the real stage. Nightingale. He's Nightingale, by the way, Dan. Don't fucking take that name off of him. He's Davey Wolfboy, Nightingales. It's on the birth certificate, Wolfboy.

We left him in the forest. But still register. Like your baby pigeon. Ah, you be safe here. You can eat beddies. Go on. What were you saying, Dan? It seemed like it was going to be a serious point.

I just wish I'd been, I just was going to get more of Etta's life and Jacks. Whoa. What about poor wolf boy? Well, boy can fuck. Wolf boy's at the window. I never loved his mum. Oh, please have you're dead.

She was a wolf. You don't have to think about stuff like bleak like that, you know. Oh, you don't have to, but the thought occurs, don't it? I had Etta when I was 35. And part of me is like, I couldn't have been a good dad when I was 25. Fuck, at 16, I would have put it in the wall. But the advantage of this is you are going to be around for so much of your kid's life. You say that, yeah, totally.

But at the same time, you know, know, first of all, there could be, like, medical advances that mean you live, like, either forever or very long, and also, Etta might get shot. Yeah. You might out live better with a... And then you'd get all of her life. Yeah. She gets shot in the head.

That has made me feel... Before you die. That's made me feel so much better. Do you know what? When I feel sad about that, I'm like, oh, she's going to bury me. Unless she gets shot in the head. Etta, I might see all your life. And then, if that happens, obviously, you'll be sad, but you'll also...

think I'm glad I did Nabber at 25 because this would have happened 10 years earlier. Oh God, it was 10, yeah. And she is in some debt to the Yakuza, which I keep saying. Pay your debts, Etta. I know. You've got some... Yeah.

Pay your Yakuza, debt's love and clean your room, will you? Fuck's sake. In that order. Etta, there's a Japanese fellow with tattoos in the front door. I presume it for you. Starling, darling. Starling.

This is how you get shot in the head. I owe 25 grand in the Yukuzah, Dad. Oh, I mean, I taught you nothing. He paid 15 last month. A lot of debt. Wolf boy wouldn't have done this. Wolf boy's going, Dad, not pay. If you let me in.

Fuck off, Wolf Boy. Back to the bloody fast for you. Dad, is that my brother? No. To wolf. Ignore the window. Yes, there's a wolf boy, but he is not your brother.

And the member of the Yakuza. Oh, fucking everyone turns up at once, don't he? And your nansia. Jack's just a big floating face and a bit of gravy. So good luck with the pregnancy. On a serious note, though. I think you get, note, listen. For this, lad, my mate Cam had his first kid at 19,

and at the time, I was like, oh, you've fucked it here. And it, like, sorted his shit out, like, massively. Like, he was out all the time doing... All sorts. And this sorted his shit out, and he is the best dad. Like, it's... And now he's had another one. I think 19s are very different from 16, though.

Yes, like, both three years. Yeah. Yeah, but life happens. Over a thousand days. You can't go, do you know what? We're doing this, but... It's happened. Oh, no, totally, yeah.

I think that it's, it's, it's going to, they're going to have to rely on their parents a lot because they haven't, they haven't matured enough to understand what it means. Loads of people rely on their parents, even if they have a kid at 35, like, it's just part of it. I'm saying more so now,

they're going to have to go, listen, can you help? Plus side, you'll be the, if there's a parents race at Sports Day, you will smoke those old cunts. Great. You're going to be the fastest guy at the parents run. What if they're both dead fat, though? Ah, are you dead fat?

Are you fat orphans? You big fat, fat, horny, orphans. If you're a fat orphan, you're going to get smoked by some 40 and old who's fitters for. I just don't leave this child in the woods because they will turn to a wolf boy.

I won't do that. Again. Little Davey Wolfboy Nightingale. Dad, please shut up. Oh, you're done. Look at the window. You want a blotch on my life. That's a Japanese man out here with me. We'll fucking go on. with him then.

Oh, if wolf boy at the yakuza, then he's getting closer to being allowed in the house. Well, good luck. Do you know that's how dogs became a thing? I've got to press something. Have we got a howl on there? No, the yakuza. No, so, you know, dogs started as wolves, yeah?

Yeah. I was looking into how evolution works. Get ready to contradict him, Carl. And essentially what happened was, But this is thousands of years ago, obviously. Oh, yeah. Like, there's little villages, yeah? And obviously, wolves would come to the villages

because there'd be lights on and food and shit like that. Yeah, yeah. And if they were aggressive, the people or the cavemen, I don't know, roughly when it was, they'd be like, hey, fuck off, wolf. And the wolf would be like, oh, so's what I'll get off. But if they were quite nice, if they were tamer and not aggressive,

they'd be sort of like, oh, you're all right, you're not trying to eat society. They are, have a sausage. and then over thousands of years the tamer they were the more likely they were to be welcomed in and then they became dogs fish bashbosh Wallace and Remy

they domesticated themselves and there was a boy in the town who kept lying about them and no one would believe him and one day a wolf had him yeah famous parable boy you cry I wonder how long it took for the first person to go hey this one's not going to be

give him a sausage give him an opal fruit see if he likes it because it wasn't starburst It's just wolves in the 80s. Don't give him one of those marathons. I would love to know when the dogs were first domesticated. I'm talking 10. 40,000 years ago.

40,000 years ago. Damn. It was between, yeah, 40,000 to 15,000 years ago. That was cavemen then, wasn't it? No, it's hunter gatherers. Where were they living? I mean, maybe,

probably past cavemen. That's like even further. What have you have caves where you lived? I suppose. There's no caves around here. It's called like Men Out there, men

The out of hair Out there, boys You let the dogs out Wolves Not yet Who let the wolves in Give them a noble fruit Or a sausage

40,000 years ago Dan where were they living Did you have fucking gaffes Did he? Yeah, there's a mud up some poo Oh, here we go Was it homo sapiens back then? Yes!

Yeah Huntergatherer camps That's right Hunter Gatherer camps is hunter-gatherer us or was it the one? Yeah, it's us. This is our heritage, yeah. Yeah, no, I know it's only about 10,000 years BC

when someone went, A, should we just stay here and plant food and I'll plant some food and you can plant some food and we'll just stay here. Before that, it's like you had to go and hunt your food. And then it's the quickie. But that was still actual homo sapiens. That wasn't like the thing near the monkeys. No, that was us.

Homo erectus. We've got a few. Onion. How long ago was the last one before we all stood up and was like, right, let's go to... When we were like... We were around. Homersapians were around at the same time as Neanderthals. Yeah.

We won. Was there a time where... What's the one before Sapien? Is it erectus? Yeah. I think so. Were they knocking about together? Was their fellas like lent over and the fellas stood up going, I can stand up and put that...

Hang on. It was Homo erectus homo sapien. And now we've got homosexuals. Maybe that's just the next thing. Maybe in a... In a thousand years, it's everyone's going to be homosexuals. We're the Neanderthals, straight people. And we'll lose.

And the gays will win, and it'll go homo-erexas, homo-safi and homosexual. And we have Homer Simpson. We've got to be yellow in the future. Just saying. Who wins this upcoming war? That's a big theory on there. Upcoming war next week. Everyone's right.

It was before us? So, Homo erectus, yeah. It was before that? Homo habilis. And then before that? I can't say that. Australopithecus

Afrhenesis. Sounds like they can fly. They fly for them? Time like ostrich. Yeah. We're famous they can't fly. They were fast, though. Hey, that cunt with wings

is fast over the ground. Any more facts from? homo sapiens is 300,000 years ago. 300,000 years. Right, so cavemen. Yeah. Yes.

So 300,000 years from now we'll all just be gay. I hope so. No one will know. And yellow. I hope so. I hope so. Where were Homo

Rethicissus living then? Where were they living? Who? Homer are Rectasai. They were cavemen, I suppose. They were cavemen, just animals.

That was from a 16 year old who's going to become a dad. You know what? You're going to be a dad but in 300,000 years are all gay, so it doesn't matter. All right. Pay your debts to the Yakuza. Get on me. The long overdue return of Simon Wozni.

Oh, who. How you doing? Time's a charm. You're right? Yeah. What? Patrick Paul. Oh, nice. Looking forward to it.

Yeah. We're not promised tomorrow. So let's have a good one today. pit bull. What? Who is that? That's probably pit bull, yeah.

I thought it was quite sage. I thought it was sage and me there, but I realized I was pit bull in us. Take a picture to me with a Kodach as well last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How are you doing with the seasonal shifting to autumn, Simon? Um, how'd you deal with cozy season? Which, as you should know, is upon us.

Spagballs and knitwear. Where's this going out? This is a week by week. Oh, that's a half. Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm all right. I thought it was more to do

with the attire than anything out there. No, no, I mean, I've shown up today and me cozy jumping a pair of trackies and me, my fluffy socks, you know what I mean? I've got no shoes on because it's cozy season. You've come very sort of... Default mannequin? Everything, yeah.

Yeah. I was going to go with the swayed boot again. Yeah. But then I just thought, oh, no, no. You're not more cash. Well, it's too much, yeah. So I thought I'm just going to go with the old new balance trainer. I love an end date.

for the stills. Get them done and then, you know, as long as they're okay, then it's fine, in it really? Have you got a favorite season? I like this sort of question, though. It's just boring stuff. I don't know.

I think it's difficult because obviously I don't like saying I don't want anything to become my personality. Why? Because it's just like, I just don't want anything to become my personality. So if I had to say a favorite season, maybe.

It depends because obviously you like summer then. Obviously you get bored and then you want to go. So it changes, isn't it? I mean, autumn may. The seasons do change famously. It would be a lot if you made a season, your personality. Have an opinion. Well, yeah.

No, but a lot of, a lot of the... No, it is, though. It's just... Winter's better than summer. No. No, autumn is. But a lot of... A lot of ladies do do that. They're like, oh, I'm an October.

Yeah. Like, you know, I can't wait for this. It's like, just, just enjoy it. Just enjoy it. Just, it will be gone again soon. Just, yeah, it will, but yes, I just enjoy it. And don't, don't talk about it. I know.

I just, enjoy it. Why have we got to say everything and go, I look, well, why? Why? There's people that are going through a lot all the time. Yeah, but no matter what season, it's always the dark season for some people. They'll play paddle. They can enjoy the cozy pub because they've got shit going on. So just enjoy it for yourself.

I think that's another thing is don't... If you're happy, yeah. The best thing you can do is not let anyone know that. Why? Because that's what makes people sad. It's not, though, is it? If you're miserable and I'm happy, you might end up being happy for me.

Simon won't. No, but... Do you think happiness is contagious? Because I think there's a lot of people that would think that this is... I hate that man. Do you think it's contagious? If someone's happy, like positivity and all that energy. If everyone's miserable, you're more likely to be miserable, aren't you?

Yeah, but if you've... Potentially, if everyone's miserable, you're like, well, I feel fine, so I'm winning. Yeah, exactly. Do you believe in net positivity? If you've got a bike and you're like, I like that bike, that bike's fine. And then someone steals that bike and they're like, I fucking love this bike. That means a bad thing has happened, but there's more joy in the world. Would you be fine with that?

Right, so somebody's gone. A crime happened, but there's more joy in the world, like net joy. No, I tell you, there's one person on the planet who doesn't agree with that, it's him. If someone stole something I had. Yeah, and you were like... But I didn't enjoy it as much as they were going to enjoy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if they asked me first...

No, they stole it. A crime happened, a bad thing happened. Also, part, you can't have that. You're making the bike thief seem really, like, wholesome. Like, you know what? I can't afford one, but if I steal one, I'll ride it every day. No, it could be... You won't... You won't sell it for smack money, will you?

No, I just love Sankland. No, imagine he's homeless, and he's like, right, I've now got a way to get around, and I might be able to get my life together. This is great for me. This bike means a lot to me, and you're like, I rode that three times a year, I'm at last.

Have I told you as my bike? I tried to sell it back to my dad. Like, he didn't know. I got mine, stolen the park as well. We got three lads from out of town. Came and stole the bikes, yeah? Just in front of it. Oh, can we have a go?

Oh, you're playing footie? We'll play footie. No, clearly not interested in playing football. fussy these lads. Then they sort of look at the bike. A lad asked you if you could have a go and you say it. Obviously my friends that are playing footy with, we're not a threat.

We're easy. We're sitting with sitting just come and get what you want from. Especially to out of towners. Out of town is, yeah. Where were they from? With accents. With accents. And they walk up and the park's empty.

It's just us playing. And they go there's two older ones and two younger ones. And they're hovering around. You're, oh no, this isn't. after a few minutes you get, you know, the look eyeing it up and then they go,

oh, let's go, the classic line of let's, can I go to shop on it? And then one sat on it and then he starts doing this and then one asks one to undo his chain, but a couple of us had a bit of fighting them and then one got swung for.

One of them got swung for. And that's when you knew, this is it, this is when this isn't going well. So then, I think four of us, they just, just took them.

Did you unlock it? Did you unlock it? Well, not getting it today. He unlocked a bike. But I was shit scared. I was shook up, man. I hated that. I, yeah.

I left me bike outside my house and someone took her and my dad went looking around and dovey for her and just farmed, and just smacker, I'd walk him with it. And my dad was like, nice bike, mate. And the fellow went, yeah, I'm selling it. 40 quid, you want it?

And my dad was like, he just robbed that. And the fellow was like, yeah. He's given it back. Nice. He's bored of it then. I mean, yeah, he was caught thieving. Yeah.

Just to check, before we take it back, are you experiencing more net joy? No, right, well, give it back. I just think if you're hitting the joy in the world. You've got a daughter, man. Do you not like love Christmas? Is that not your favourite season? No.

What, the most expensive season? Yeah, no, no. Is that how you think of Christmas? Yeah. Listen, there's loads of lovely moments, but they come at a prize. Is that fair to say? Yes.

And a lot of pressure. There you go. What are you getting the kids for Christmas? Oh, fuck knows. They've got the Smith Toy Superstore magazine and Jack circled about 23 grand of presents so far. Yeah.

He's like, I've got a pretty comprehensive list. Every single thing. Yeah, Christmas. It's just fine. It's nice. I enjoy it for when it's happening, but I'm not going to go. I'll that's my favourite time of year.

It's like grow up. You don't say, that to your kids. No. Just, just get it. I don't know what I like. Daddy,

I love Christmas. Grow up in the spring soon and you like that as well. If I really like something, the best you'll probably ever get as I go, I quite like that. But you might not like it.

I can see why you wouldn't like it. We haven't done this for a while, but take me through your perfect day. Oh. I'm interested in this to come from you. So it's a new feature. My favourite day is.

Sunday. So we always do your perfect Sunday. Yeah, I like Sunday. Yeah, you like a Sunday. I like it. It's not the best day ever, but yeah, I like it because of my life.

But I understand why Sunday is a terrible day for some people. Simon, it's your whole personality. That's the thing. Now I'm thinking my whole personality is not liking anything. Are they all great? So I'm going to have to like something a bit.

Oh, the whole thing. He doesn't like anything. Aren't you different? A great. I'm not going to, I honestly, I want to say nothing. Stop podcasting, haven't I? Take me through your perfect day.

So tell me which day of the week it is. Sadly, probably would be Sunday. Okay. I think I did, I'm sure I've done this. Oh, there people have been asking for it again. In case it's changed. Did we do this last time, Simon was on? Have we not now?

Maybe. Maybe I've done it. We haven't. Have we not? How are you so sure? No, I think we've had something about where he said, I've walked with my boots on, on Sefton Park.

Oh yeah, maybe we did. We haven't done this for six months. I think we did it with three people. I just, I just, paying the numbers. We did it like three times. You just gone straight to the emergency.

Get that in now. This is going nowhere. Not like more. Have we actually done that? We're going to search. We're going to search it up. Yeah, go on, yeah, have a look.

Just play the old episode. What's your perfect Tuesday? So do you not nail your mat, like, what is it, nail your flag to the mast? Nothing. nothing where you go I know Simon loves that

because you like footy don't you I like I like a new slight I like a pen game which is battle wrap but I'm not gonna I understand why people won't enjoy this

a lot of people in this company don't like her well no yeah but pen game just is just you know it is they're three three one minute 30 rounds they can get reloads

absolutely love that well I look yeah but I could see why here you go this is shit if you think there's not shit about something you love, you can admit that, can you? Yeah.

Have you got any ambition to do a battle yourself? No, no. I've given, I've even given, you know, and you try and put a bar together. I haven't done that for years now. Yeah. Have you ever done it? Have you tried lately or is that fully done now?

What, the battle rapping? Try and put a bar together every now and then in the shower or just. You know what I mean? Like, I haven't done that for a while. I think that's a sign of maturity now is when you go, I'm not even going to try it and do a bar. Is it like as a fan of 40

when you finally go, I'm probably never going to play for Liverpool? Is that the bit as a rap as a hip-hop fan when you go? When you give up Sunday league, is that you go and I'm never going to spit a bar again? Is that what it is? Are you negotiations to battle Shottie harder for a while?

But when was last time you did a bar to yourself? Or even just anything? It's been a couple of hours, like? A couple of hours, like you do regular? I mean, It's definitely been this month. Really? Yeah.

How? Did you write it down or? No, just in your mirror. No, I don't really write anything down, do I? No, no, no. It's just in my head. I'll just be like, just in the chat,

you just, Oh, you do the beat as well? He's more of the producer. He's like, you know what? I don't know the words, but, but you like hip-hop. You're like,

you're more of a hip-hop. I do enjoy hip-hop, Simon. But you, so when's us, you've never? I don't think I ever, as a very white child from a very white bit of Preston, thought, do you know what?

The world needs my bars, mate. But just, yeah, but you don't have to think you want to be one. But you've just tried it at least, just in the car or in the... You never? You never just wrote a vase. I can't believe you've never done that. It's a rhyme or something. You've just bitten on fire, no.

Never have I thought hip-hop needs me. You never get in the shower and pretend you're not on fire in the booth. Yeah. I'm calm. Have you seen eight mile? Yes. Sure you would have, at some point after that, you'd have muttered something. Yeah, but I was about 27 when I saw eight miles.

That's mental. My legs had already gone. I don't know. Steve, have you listened to some of the Steve's factory stuff? No. All right. But that makes me,

that's more relatable, like British, white, fat guy, hip-hop. I'm like, oh, this is funny. Like, that I can see how that, if I was younger,

would have gone, oh, that makes it relatable. But when you listen to, you know, like, East Coast rap as a teenager, Nothing in me was like, you could do this one. Did you use the right rhymes?

No. No. I mean, there's probably one in the notes, deep down in the notes, 2016, 17, maybe. Yeah. Do you remember anything you wrote of it? Well, that was probably for some sort of script.

The character would have tried to write a bar. The character of Simon was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That would probably be why I've got. some sort of... You can't expose yourself to the world as doing that seriously.

It has to be behind the mask for the character. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I did about a rap at Edinburgh, but it was like a... There you go then. It was like a rap roast.

Yeah, that's what it is. But no one was rapping. So it was basically just comedians doing a poetry slam. You were just writing little... That's what it is. I lost against Justin Morris. I beat Roe Campbell.

I had two. That's eight. That's... That's... That's... You battle rap then? That's... That is a bat.

You've stood on stage. Honestly. I tried to best. On stage with Justin Morehouse didn't feel like a battle rap. Well, it was. We just named a girl I banged at the fringe. And I was like, well, we're playing for keeps.

It was, he smashed me. It was great. Was it fair? Yeah, it was fair. I always thought you were gay. Then I found out you was banging Faye. He really did his research because we'd split up like eight years before that.

But when you battle rap, Justin, just be careful. He goes deep. Right, okay. I would never battle rap. Other than rap battles, yeah. Is there anything that, like, you care about, that you like, that you actively enjoy?

Give us a bit of you, Sy? Come on. Is your third time on here? Let the people know a bit about you. No, never. No, I'll try a quick podcasting, so I'm done that. I've sold my ways.

I'm out. What is there about me? Do you got a favorite of color? No. Blue? A favorite of three? Black, probably, but... Just...

It's more of a shade, than her. What is the... What's your favourite meal? We've done that, I think. Is your favourite film? Oh. Well, I've been... I'm on record saying it's gladiator.

Right. But I also... Is that the truth, though? I mean, I mean, well... Is that the character Simon? I did think... Back in the day, I did think Barat and Freddie got fingered were very funny.

Whoa, Simon. Chill out. With your opinions, man. Everyone's big free I'd go gladiator Barat and Freddie off English I honestly don't do anything I really don't

I think maybe what we're doing wrong is trying to go oh there should be a thing that you love do you love just being left the fuck alone and having a bit of time yeah just sitting there just

scrolling I feel like that's what we're trying to impose on you a joy that is almost too traditional yeah well you know when people got oh I saw a man in a restaurant on his own I thought oh he must be lonely

Quite like that. But actually, yeah, just sitting. Just having, peace and quiet. A meal on my own in a town that, yeah, yeah, great.

Send me, I went for a meal on my own on my birthday in Aberdeen on Monday. What a sentence. And it was, it was fantastic. Did you still tell the restaurant it was your birthday?

Just so that you know, I will want someone to come out of a same. No, no, no one knew. It was just, just great. It was on tour with Jamie. Did you have a little smirk to you?

yourself going no one knows it's my birthday. You did you? No, no, no, I didn't. I didn't. No, because he got it. No, no, this is my birthday. It was on tour with Jamie. And then we, so he flew up to,

he flew up to everything, but I said, I'm going to drive. Wow, wow. So, he's changed. So, uh, drove up there, but I was quite shaky after a long drive. Now I shake a lot. Saw their body on the A1.

But I, I, let's not just drive past that what the A1 what happened on the A1 Southbound Yeah yeah Southbound's funny isn't it It's really funny Southbound He's driving to Aberdeen

Less funny if it's northbound Because it's one of ours It's just the specific The specificity of South isn't said it wrong But Southbound It's just a detail Of such a tragic thing But it just makes me laugh

I was like seeing the South And says the South Like towards the South and the North I think that's a bit That feels a bit mental Yeah, you shouldn't need that. You should have a sense of that direction.

There was a dead body on the road here, boys. What are we doing? It's, but no disrespect to the victims, because I think it's now a murder case, so I'm following it. Oh, shit. Yeah, so I won't give too many details away just because, you know, RIP.

But yeah, it was wild. I couldn't be a first responder. Oof, what a job, because I turned back and looked round, and I was like, was it? And then I went, oh, oh, like that, you know what I mean? So how did you know it was a murder? I googled it.

Day after. So it was a video. Who's a fever? killer murder? It's a collision. Oh, right. But then obviously, they've investigated it

with DashCamp and everything else and everything else now gone into murder. Oh, so shit. The driving was so reckless. Yeah. I want to murder him. Yeah.

Fucking have this, Margaret, you fat cunt. It was weird, yeah. I don't know how. Was it a fat old woman? The person who's deceased. Yeah. Can't say.

Disrespect for the victims. So, anyway, so that was sort of enough. I've never seen. that on, on the motorway yet. Never seen such devastation. Have you ever seen a dead body before? And the instant loss, not like that. Have you seen like a dead relative?

Yeah, but they've been sort of, not in the hospice bed. You didn't see a maid of victim? In the chapel arrest, I've seen them. Yeah, it's in the mania. It doesn't really count, does it? You have seen a dead body, though. Not like a live one. Do you know what I mean? Like, oh, they're dead. Not a surprise one died. An instant, have you seen a dead body alive, dead body? No, I went and seen my granddad when he was in the,

the gaff before they throw you in the whole the chapel arrest, yeah. The 70. And I just felt like he was going to go, have you ever been around someone who's dying and then seen them take the last breath? Have you? Yeah.

How many? 17. 17? Have you? He had the gunt. No, never been around the last breath. Oh, my God. I would selfishly leave.

No. I would selfishly leave. That's dead selfish. What if they were going, don't leave me? I probably wouldn't leave them. You can't. can't just leave. No, I'd hope there was other people there.

They're going now. Right, I'm off. I don't want to see the last breath. I don't recognize. I could call him and Laura go through a bit of divorce. Him and Laura go to a bitter divorce. So she's gone. Etta's got shot in the head by the Yakuza and Jack's been a wolf playing the woods.

He's got no one, man. He's joined his brother. Well, he's got to have some family because I'm going. He's got no one. And what's wrong with Dan? He's dying of cocaine. Sorry. I'd be really let down by myself.

Just historical damage. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dying of cocaine. I thought you meant I had, right, okay. I'd be a very lively death, wouldn't it? Carl. Stay. Classic cocaine.

Stay with me. No, mate. You couldn't do a last breath of it. You're freaking me out. What are you doing all this for? Come on. It's your uncle, dad. I'm not.

Am I the only one there? Where to fucking use? Carl, I'm just going to let you know if I am dying of cocaine and I'm doing deathbed close-up magic, I want you there. God. That would be funny that one,

I would be there with you, but I've got the Glasgow gleam. So. Is he dying in Glasgow? What? Oh, you're driving. It's a long drive. I'll understand that.

It's a fun. It's a club weekend. Oh, shit. You're back to the clubs. No, I'm working on me new tour. All right. If you're dying breakfast, if that's the last thing you're doing,

Just leave them wondering. Come on. What was he thinking of you? What is he done, bro? Carl, where's Finn? Where's Harry? I'm dying doing this. When is this, by the way?

When am I dying? I sound 98. Have I got back on the Gack at nearly 100? No, you haven't gone back on cocaine. Oh, this is the damage you've already. You've got to get out of the bolus. Come on, Carl. Where's Harry?

I haven't seen him for years. Where's Harry? Where's Finn? She's still talk? I've been gone me, Sozdan. I'd probably unplug it for you. Whatever this is awful. And you'd need to be there for the end.

Why? No. The spirit leave in the room. Because you believe in the soul. You've got to guide me out. What am I? Don't do catch it? Give it to your son in the forest. Catchers with matches.

Wouldn't be even a relative. I imagine if it was a close relative, yeah. You'd be in the room for them to go. I think I'd really struggle. I don't think I'm built. to deal with... No. Trauma like that,

yes. I've been through it with Sereka's dad. I got to the hospital. I didn't know he died. Right. When I got there, he had, and she took me straight into the room.

Yeah. So my finding out he passed was seeing him straight away, and I was like, I am not... And so I had to turn round for like a minute and go, right,

what you ought to see is going to be grim and, like, kind of switch my head on. Because I saw that, I was like, what the fuck? But when did she tell you, because sometimes when you see them,

like, on them beds, it's like, they look dead anyway for age. You don't mean? Like, when you see, like, oh no, so I, and they're going like, they might,

I mean, apart from the, it's like they are past anyway. No, she was there for that. I got there and she obviously cried and she went, he's gone and I was like, fucking out, obviously in sand,

and she went, do you want to see him? And my response would have been, not yet, but she went, do you want to see him as she took my hand? Because it was for her as well.

Of course. And it was like, by the way, I was like, my brain is not ready for this. This is one thing. You've got to be there for the death rattle

mate. That's really sharpening you up. So much stronger than me. That was... The death rattle. What's that? The last breath. It's like to rattle and bog.

Oh, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the death and a little value. I can't deal with it, man. I think I'm very like you. I push your way any... Anything that makes me sad. And I know it's really bad for me

because I only take in good things, which means I'm not building up any, like resistance to sadness. Because when it comes one day, which is inevitable for us all, it's going to hurt me bad. It's not insurmountable in it, grief. No.

Was your dad dead? Everton got beat, so, you know, I'm ready. I don't think she would have accepted that. And we'd just beat United 4-1 that weekend because he was a United fan. And it was the last thing I said to him. Essentially, yeah. I've not been through any close loss yet.

And I don't think I'm ready or made. I feel like I should go to therapy to deal with my avoidance of sadness. your therapist to pretend to die. No, I think I should go, I avoid sadness. Do you think it's a bit like driving though, where they say the older you get, the harder it is? So they say, could you, if you learn to drive at 35, it's like you're more anxious where 17-year-olds, I'm like, maybe. Because you're built up at your, yeah.

What could your therapist do to prepare you for that? I've no idea. Maybe. She could do like a car trick. So she goes, take a card, any card, put it back in, shuffles it on. And she goes, this your card. It's not. And you're all gutted.

Isn't that what the, you're like, ah. I'm not caught a frere. She's just shit magician. Yeah, but you just, like, you felt like you were going to see something and you didn't get it. It's disappointment. That'll get you ready for a close loved one's death, won't it? Isn't that what McMillan do, though?

McMillan are there to sort of walk you through out together, but you can't get them to come out when no one's dying. Just getting them around, just a preemptive strike. Hello, it's Sue from McMillan. It's going to sit you down. It's going to be pretty bad. Have you got any cards? That would be funny.

Yeah, I think... Just a bit of training. I think, I mean, you... I mean, I've gone through loss with Seneca's dad. That was the biggest thing for me. Obviously, you've gone through close loss, big loss. And you weren't ready for it. Like, it was at, like...

No. And it's built up, like, a callus that you don't even know you've got. Like, Seneca's like, because of what she went through, she's so ready, like, as in, like, emotionally ready for anything that could come. It's not much worse than losing her parents, is there? So she's like, whatever could come. We haven't got kids. But, like, she's like, I...

She's so much more emotionally adept. for stuff like that than me. Or you could argue that seeing that could be traumatic to the point where you're not ready to deal with it again because it's just going to trigger loads of other stuff. Maybe. You know? But she's being there as an adult so she knows what the way of this.

She was there as an adult and got to comprehend. If you want to test whether she's ready for to kill someone she's like half close with now. Like one of her mates, she's not really arse about. Yeah. And then she's like, I just feel about that. And if she's like, oh my God. Then what do they would do?

You go, well, you ready? Have you got to do it in front of her? The next big one? I don't know. I haven't thought too through. Simon, when was the last time

you were dead happy? Dead happy? Like an 8, 9 or 10? Ecstatic. I was talking about me meal in Aberdeen, one of? So... What cuisine was that, by the way?

What did you treat yourself to? So I had an oist, one oyster, which I should have got more, to be honest, but I had one oyster. Then I had one oyster. a

lobster thermadote then I had on your own yeah what's Jamie Payne to support that's for birthday bro oh sorry yeah yeah so treat himself

so I had pedium's out so I had a little and then I had a fillet steak obviously and then I had the dessert I wanted they didn't have so I had to get a scoop of sorbet

a soup of sorbet and one of the I think it was the mint ice cream or something I smashed the glass as well because I was dead shaky because of the drive because I had my phone up there trying to watch YouTube

and then it slipped because I've got no case on it now because the case broke and I need a new phone anyway so I thought I'm not like in another case I was going to see where that one it takes me to I also need a cable as well

but that's another story and so I had that meal and that was a nice one because obviously I didn't have a gig that night so I was like oh no gig night off in Aberdee But it was, it was just because I googled it quickly and I just so happened to be open,

I rang them and said, can you fit me in? And then it was just, yeah. Was that an eight out of ten? That was, that was, that was, yeah, it was nice. Do you reckon you ever go past eight? Because I don't think I do. No, no, you can't go past eight because there's so much horribleness going on.

And it's always something going on, isn't there to bring you down? There's always, someone, you've always got something going on that you go, this is, this is killing me. And if you haven't, keep your perfect life to your fucking self. What have you got going on? Can't say.

But there's always something, there's always something to lurk and then go, oh, for fuck, see, that. Yeah. Or like, something's annoying. Not always. Not always. I mean, right now.

Yeah. Yeah, there you go. See, is anyone completely fine right now? Or you always got something going on? So you can never get to 10? I don't think so. Not now now. Have you ever been to 10?

What's your happiest memory from being a child? Oh, that's not great. Your happiest one? No, there's not many there because obviously it was just needing to be a footballer from like 8 to 16 and that obviously father, very, very aggressive. He was that dad, you know, that dad.

So that even the football was joyless for me. So, um... What did he, what, how did that manifest itself? Like, uh, what do you mean? Because there's a lad in the village, his dad goes through or he's like... You live in a plough, man. plays the tape back from the match and goes through all his mistakes.

Oh, does he? Oh, my God. But that's how he wants him to get better. And you hear it and you're like, Dad, doesn't see him healthy that. And how good is the kid? He's decent. Apparently, he's decent. Because that's the thing.

You've got to look at it and go, how much, has he got the talent? Has he got the mindset? And I think my father might have overlooked that and gone, I don't think he's got that in him to be. Do you think you had the talent, but not the mindset? Well, every man thinks they've got the talent. don't they. Yeah. You're quite kind of football.

Yeah, I can kick, but I haven't kicked the ball for decades. But did you think you were going to make it when you were 12? Yeah, I probably gave up the football dream probably about 21. Oh shit. You know, like lower leagues.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, based on nothing. There's no reason to believe. Where were you playing at 20? Where you were like, yeah, maybe still. Well, well, I sort of played for Ashton, but they weren't like the first team. Yeah.

But it was. I wasn't going to go anyway. There was no way I had the mind for it. And I was too, I wasn't wiry enough and didn't get stuck in. I knew that I didn't have it. Do you know what I mean? But if I had a good game, I played against Crosby when I was about 14, that was like, oh, that was a good game.

I think I had a good game then. Did your dad agree? I think so, yeah. And it stays with you, doesn't it? You're not a good game out of eight years. Did it all right there, Simon? What position did you play? the Thierryon re-roll, I would say.

Striker. Yeah, left. Drift out to the left. Yeah. Drift out to the left, but I was left footed. Did you see? And you had one good game? Apparently think so, yeah.

One that didn't involve, like, a berating afterwards. So therefore there's just been no joy. I've just been joyless for, like, a lot of my life. Do you remember all the compliments you've ever had? I can't take a compliment. Because I think a lot of, I think a lot of member, remember compliments so strongly. even if it's such a nothing compliment

from someone that's really mad. Yeah, there's compliments that from years ago where you're like, oh, remember they said that? I don't think we get... You know what the same? I'm more similar to you. I bet Adam's not quite the same.

I don't remember all mine. Like, I get loads. I mean, you knew that was going to ignore it. I don't mean like that was a good gig because you will air that loads, of course you will. But I'm saying something like, oh, I didn't expect you to say that.

Have you got an example of one you've on? Not really, no. But you remember everyone you've ever had. No, I'm saying a lot of men will remember compliments like that. I remember someone said something nice to them. Also, if they didn't, I'm not going to say it here, I'm like, why?

I just wouldn't, because it's personal to me. It might be stupid to you. What was the compliment you're thinking about? I honestly can't think of one right now. But I'm saying it's quite a male thing. So you were like walking through town and someone was like, nice top lad.

And you were like, there's that one. You've made my day. But it would be coming from somewhere you didn't expect it or something that you didn't expect someone to say. You'd be like, oh, fucking sick. I remember that. I mean, getting a compliment

from someone you look up to. That lines, didn't it? Yeah, I think it's coming from and also, yeah, I think there's numerous factors that would involve when you take it in and it stays with you. But I can't think of anything. But you're saying you remember that football game

because I thought you didn't get berated. I think I just remember not getting screamed after that one, which is like, which is a positive, isn't it? You go, oh, this is, that was good. Must have been all right. But then after that, it was just, it was just constant and it's just like, oh, you know what?

Was he got to football? No. Just, again, I can't go into the entries just to why he needed me to become a footballer, but I think I know why now, which I also go, fair play. Do what I mean? You know, you go like, I understand.

No, we don't. Right. I think I know. Yeah. It's certain reasons why people might need some money. Financial support. But then again, like you say, can't say,

don't want to throw anyone under the bus. You know, people shouldn't catch strays on these things. I don't think, like, you know, I don't. You know, if I knew somebody that was a podcaster and they were just saying everything about, like, shut up. Shut up. So I was just trying to work in an office

and then 10 years later some little Gim starts chatting shit about I'd be like, shut up you. You don't know what I mean? I understand. I'm very protective of people's identities. 100%.

Yeah. You can't just start spouting off. Are you dishing compliments out regularly to people? Or are you keeping yourself to yourself? No, he's not. I might start, but it's hard. You know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna compliment them there.

But you just bought it. What if you'd like, like Adam's hat today? Would you go, I like that art. Or would you keep it to yourself? I don't, but it's a kind of worm sometimes. You go like,

I was this going to play out, man. Like, your brain sounds exhausted. It is, but like, you know what I mean? Like, you go,

I like, I like, if you go, oh, I could never go like, oh, I see that, like that coat.

I'd love to do that on, on the train and go, oh, love that coat, where's it from? And when that happens, you go, that,

he will love that. And I should love giving it, but I haven't got the confidence to do that. What are you hoping, I see another man was waiting at the train and this and then he's holding on waiting to get off

and I go, oh that's great coat that, I love that. Where'd you get it? Where'd you get it from? That's a bit, you'd feel great and you'd feel good for giving the compliment. I saw a guy in a pub in Common Garden on Sunday

stop an older guy, maybe 75, really like dapper for a 75 year on point and I saw a young guy go, excuse me mate, can I just say, I love your style,

you look amazing. And it made the old guys there. That's the one you remember. for a year. But then there's a couple I'd rather have to like my vibe, my style.

Like, I like, like what you... Like if it's insane like fucking cozy season there, I'd be like, fucking you,

get it you, man. But what are you, in that situation? Come here. Do you think the eye guy's gonna go? Fuck off, back off, you weird.

But you'd also feel good by going, oh, I did a nice thing there. So everyone gets joined in that situation. How would you feel? If you were on that same, on the tube or whatever,

and someone come up and was like, oh, I'd be thinking, I, I'd be thinking, he's what's he want like you know he's gonna this is how this is out

this cat oh nice bike can we come play party with you yeah can I wear your new belts to the shop yeah yeah that's it you've been bad before Simon like them trainers oh here we go

that he's in now he's talking to me now what do you want me to do for him oh like where are you going Archie can I have a list yeah where do you oh right and then I'm actually

oh no I'm actually well that works out for me as well oh fuck now now it's it's it's cat and dog it's like he's trying to get me to go oh I'm actually I'm getting off at boot or not for me this time.

Oh, well, you've got it. Oh, well, I'll get off there as well because actually make more sense. And then, oh, well, actually I'm thinking about getting off at, oh. Can I just give you an antidote to all of this? Can I just give you this? Compliment my jumper.

Go on. We're on the train. He sat down. I think he's thirsty. It's, um... He's got a balloon. Hang on, hang on. I've left it too long.

He's ballooning. Hang on. Um... Okay. Hey, Adam. You've been to a fair. I'll let you jumper, mate. Ah, I didn't like that.

I didn't like that at all. No. It was interesting. No, we'll work. We'll try again. Hang on, I've got to know. I think I could compliment him and go and,

oh, you look great. You look great now. In terms of... You nearly ain't this jumping. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm not a lie. I'm not a liar.

No, because them ones, I've had one of them in the past. And I think sometimes, I think I've, I've wore that and I've got, I've looked at a photo of myself on stage. They went, oh, God,

I couldn't, them big, heavy, I think, because with me now, I think the only way you get, I, I would get nice clothes is,

is looking like, is in shape like that now. I'm just, because I am got the money to, what's going on you? Fuck you. How do you respond to someone being nice about your comedy?

Well, like, a lad, like, you fucking smashed that. Are you going, oh, I know,

it's the one thing he's got, like, he's got a bit of me in the back of his head. he knows he's good as stander. Yeah. So when someone says your class, he goes, I know, shut up.

Yeah, that is a bit, I'm a bit like... So you can take that comment. It's just a bit like, yeah. Right. If it was just, if they were only seen me at the gig, but if there's been a mixed bit, then I'm like, oh, yeah. Simon, just imagine I'm wearing something...

I was in the room as well. Yeah, he's wearing your new balance, because you like... Simon, I was... I was in the room as well. You were great, Simon? Yeah, I know. I was in the room.

What more can you do? I mean. I've got fucking ears and eyes. Yeah, but I'm also willing to go, yeah, that was, that was terrible for myself. That was a bad gig. Not often terrible. Just imagine I'm wearing something you like.

So imagine I'm wearing his shirt or your shoes. Give me a compliment on me, Codd. I can be wearing whatever you want. Um, you're just, you're feeling as vibe as jib. Let me have a look. Because usually I love all your photos in the mirror.

I think they're great, but just, I like, I like, oh, that's a nice outfit. I'd love to wear that. Yeah, so send me that? No, because you won't reply and I think fuck that. I will. No, you won't. I will.

No, I've shared too many things and I've got nothing back for me so I thought, oh, you know what? He's too big and I get lost. I'm not getting lost again in the DMs. I want to show you how easy it is to take a compliment and not have the prospect of them to give this country to lift from. You'll just go, oh, nice one, lad.

Yeah? Yeah, exactly. I really appreciate it. Nice one like your shoes. Yeah, but I know what, if they did that to me, I'd be fuming. Because you think he's lying. Yeah, I'd go, you liar. You rotten liar.

You only said that because I said they. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it gets into that. And also it's like, well, what's the, yeah, I think a compliment is nice. Like I'd like, I'm going to start, I want to start doing it more. I'd like to start compliment people more. But it's just like, why are you doing this?

Just to spread joy. Just to make people happy. Maybe people are, someone said you liked me top before. And they remember that. It's a faff, though, because they've got earphones in and... No, you're imagining the headphones? No.

This isn't imagining person and you've put headphones on them. That will be a faffed, though. Because a lot of people that are going to be stylish have probably got music going on as well. If you've not got earphones in on the train now, you're probably... You know?

Wait for compliments. You're just like, you know. Would you write it on your phone and show them then? I don't know. I don't know what. I think I'm going to try. I'll try and do it. If I walked out this year now and I see some guy waiting there

having a cigarette or something. Nice siggy, lad. And I like his, I like his shoes or like, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not doing it. There's ways and places to do that. Walking past someone on the street would be weird. So where would you give on? Like on the train, you'd be like, oh, that's sick Jack by the way, lad. As you're getting off, as you're getting off.

Like, yeah, it may be caught me eye or, and then you go on. You wouldn't do that. What's happened? When did you last do that? I couldn't say an example of me doing it on the tree. No one can't because it's very great. You can't do it. Yeah, but Carl's not as highly strong as you.

So if someone goes, all right, it's not going to ruin his fortnight. Whereas if you go, oh, I like your jacket and they go. Last week, I walked into a way, I went, oh, sick jump with that Finn. And I wasn't joking. Doesn't count. He's a hired gun. Like, would you give Rob a compliment? Rob, Thomas Thomas is that compliment.

Like, if he came in one day and he looked nice, would you like, oh, you look decent at that. If you said to Rob Thomas, I like that top, he'd take it off. Because, like, he'll come in. Yeah, I'd say that too. When we were podcasting before, you know, it ended, I would, if he, yeah, I would compliment him if I needed to, but. Needed to. Like last week, Dan, look who, and I looked at all.

And I knew he knew I meant it. And he first like, oh, sick. I had a wank. He's in front of me. I'm a big fan of things top today. Have you ever? See, I've not commented on it. That's okay. I think maybe, I think I need to, yeah, I probably do need to change, but.

Do you ever reply to, like, say like Dan puts a clip up, you're like, oh, I actually like that. Would you comment and go, that was sick? Oh, I don't. I like everyone's stuff and share, but I don't watch it. I just go, I just go, this is for the people, and I'm not, I don't watch it. I just like, share, gone. And then I have to weigh up how much you do and that because obviously it gets too much and then, you know. Do you not like watching other people stand up?

I just think, oh, I know that person. Heart share. Sometimes I watch the whole thing. It's fair enough. Just heart share, because you know them, you go, I'll help them out. Who are the people in stand up? Because you are fucking great at stand up.

Yeah, yeah. Who are the people that if you see them on a bill? Who are you like, oh, I'm actually going to watch and I'll enjoy this? Well, if I'm on the bill, I won't enjoy it because, I've got to think about what I'm going to do. I've got to see my head's gone all the time.

You can't add to their last in the room. I can't laugh. I just too much dread. Are you still stressed about going on stage? Like anxious? Yeah. The dread is like, you know what it is? The bigger, the better the room,

the let the more excited. So you stick, when we did the story, I was in Chester, it was like, I had a week off before it and I had two weeks off after it. So it was just this one Sunday for Jamie. Proper lovely venue. lovely room and I went out and I just went oh this would be fine I'm going to do what I'm going to and then I had a great time it's just when I'm gigging loads and then the room's a bit

and the crowd's a bit and I'm like ah and then I get like oh what and then I go up and then I do it and then obviously I think oh they've seen that because I've put something out online and then if it doesn't that's the thing that fucks you as well is if you if you put it online and the response isn't as good as you thought it should have been you go oh they've seen all that feel a bit ugh So there's so many things going on, which is why, which is why when I say I hate doing it, it's because it's, there's just so much that can, it can go wrong.

Is the relief bigger than the fear? Oh, coming off. Oh, we're so alive. No, no enough you're going to be asleep before you do it next time. We're so alive. It's like, oh, I'm going to be asleep before I have to do that again. And when I come off, when I come off, when I come off after that 20, I go,

I look at him and go, ha, you've got to go and do it. That's why I do everything first. And then he comes off and I go, oh, I'm next. That's the day after. Yeah, it sounds like you're depressed, Simon. Are you depressed? So I've said on the podcast before, I never really get past an eight.

Yeah. But I never really go below five. That's not depressed. Well, it is, isn't it? No, it's not. Five is not depression. What I'm saying is, it's a depressing of feelings, isn't it? I'm in a middle ground all the time.

Which is a depression. You're in suppression? Suppression. Well, the suppression, then, you know what I mean? It's a middle ground. There's no, like, there should be a gamut of, you should be able to, like, be sad and sitting in, like, avoidance of fear.

And then you should have the, wow, I've got this insane elation. I don't really feel either of them. I feel these on repeat. which is, which is, you could define as a depression. Well then if I'm, if I've been like that for 50, I'm fine with it then, you know, I can handle it. It's if you can't handle depression, I think, obviously, that's when you get the help, in it.

I can obviously handle it. I mean, obviously, I'm doing things that are destructive, but you're going, oh, well, that's probably, you could probably manage this better, but I drink enough to just sort of, you know, be considered that I like a drink, so, right? It's like, you know what I mean? I'm not, I don't want to go on there.

all for the drugs and all that, you've got to take them to level out, you go for it, but I'm doing it with the ale at the minute. But if I don't do it with the ale, I can't, obviously that one, if you just go to bed,

isn't it? If you just go to bed straight away, but you can't just go to bed, can you? Now we're tearing back towards depression, aren't we? Today's bullshit, I'm going to bed.

Simon, it's our one in the afternoon. Don't give a fuck. Yeah, but actually, well, yeah, that's, What else would I feel?

Yeah, Carl, your range of depression doesn't sound too bad. No, I'm not saying. If you regularly feeling eight, I don't know. No, no, I didn't say, like, I said, I don't go above it or blah, for it. I can't remember it was. There was a woman and Seneca told me years ago,

and a quote was, it's a privilege to feel all the emotions you can feel as human, like sad and happy. And I try and remember that quote when I'm feeling a bit shit. I know it's a weird thing to think, but like it helps me through it. Oh, I think that.

Yeah, I go, like, when anything's bad's happening, you go, yeah, get through this. You've got the privilege to be here and feel it, so get through it. Yeah, because you could be dead, man, that's the worst, isn't it? So you're like, yeah, it's fine, let's keep going. Also, you need the comparison. If you're always a 10, that's actually a 5 to you

because that's just always what you're not. You only know you're a 10 if you've ever been a 0. Mm-hmm. Exactly. I've never been a zero. Fucking new merch available. I've never been that low. Fucking won't be. I've never been, like, to the point where it's like,

you're going to do something stupid? Never. Good. Good, Simon. that's good but I go like well I'll put myself there and I go ah it's not worth that because you only get one go in it

like exactly it's a privilege to feel both a much like to feel emotions a privilege it's a weird quote that really helps me through you think that's depression whereas I'm I think it's no no no I'm saying I try and feel emotion more I try and go oh when I my stand up

recently I was so of course you did that yeah how did I was so anxious I mean they'll find out and you know hopefully think it's great but I was so anxious and scared and I was like, it's such a privilege to be able to go on stage and do this. Yeah.

That I was like, you can feel them feelings because you're getting this. At the end, you're going to go to the elation and the messages. So that's why I was like, I can feel a badness. It'll be fine because the goodness is there too. Some people take medication to get the emotional range that you've got. Yeah. To reduce the...

Yeah. Just do your first stand-up. That'll make you feel alive. It makes you feel alive. Like, I'm feeling fucking terrified. And then 20 minutes later, I'm feeling on top of the world. The closest to a natural 10 I have ever felt is my first ever stand-up gig.

Really? Yeah, how my God. I was flying. For a couple of days, I felt elation. Wow. It was amazing. I don't know. That's, that's, what, because it went really well.

It's just a blinder, yeah. My second gig was absolute dog shit, and we were right back down. We're not got a favorite gig ever. But you've gone, fuck me, I'm glad to do this. No, but I've started to, well, this is what I've become hysterical with stand-up. of it and doing it. I go like, I just don't care. I'm not letting this control

me anymore. So like I'm a range of emotions. I go, I'm not whatever happens now. Like I said to you and the whole thing is quell the trying the potential of having a Hall of Fame episode and let the chat breathe. So I don't when I go on a podcast now

I mean it's gone of it trying to be a good episode. This is low block just get the one one, whatever. If we make a goal, if there's a count, there's a chance for a clip, then obviously if we make the clip

but it doesn't get edited, whatever happens, it happens. So what will be, will be, what's not meant for you, you won't pass you by. So I'm a bit like, I'm not,

I'm not chasing a big episode of anything anymore. Simon podcast for the draw. You're like David Mouyes. Yeah, I'm just, I'm just going, let's just, don't try and come here with something

because then, you can only set yourself up for a fall then. Do your best. Do my best. Always do my best. Do my best right now. But I'm not letting that control. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, this just get the, get the 49,000 views, get the 17 comments, and then that's it. Then it'll be Don Jolly's turn to have a go. Right, let's have a break. And we are back. Simon, you're going on a national stand-up tour. I am indeed, worldwide tour of the UK. Nice.

14 dates. Probably had a few more because selling like absolute hot cakes. Where can we find those tickets? Simon Wasniak.com. Get them now. Buy them now because it's selling out.

It's going to sell out. Man, I mean, I'd buy one as well. It's going to be a good show. I'm not trying to do the bit, but it is going to be good. When is a start? Next year, September. Oh, a full year in advance.

Yeah. spoke to to brag, he does it so I went oh I'll do that just copy him went yeah

go on I'll do that then give it a year because I cause I'm doing it myself I knew that

I there's no way I could do deal with the venues even though I know the majority of them all deal with that and try and focus

on putting a show together so I thought I'll do three months of that and then then I can do the new years when I'll try

and get new stuff together but that'll be fine because they'll know what I'm about I think a lot of people who watch me now kind of go

there's no bar here. It could be good but it might also he might, I'll just, well, it is what it is in it. No pressure. Simon Wozniak, don't know. He is a fucking killer. You'll love it. That's what I mean. That's so confident

that it's going to be that good. I can sell it that it won't be good. He's still doing your drinking the wine in the car joke? No, I've got a new driving bit. It's so funny. Yeah. One driving bit. at a time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about the A1 Southwell. No, no, no. Well, there'll be any humor in that eventually, you know, time heals all wounds. We'll do some have a word. Not if you're dead. No, but if enough times pass,

then, you know, it's all about, you know, when they go, oh, too soon. But, again. A big Holocaust bit. To be honest, I don't think there's anything. I'm not going to look for the humor in that, that made the scene, I don't think. No, you're right. You're right.

I'll just leave it. Stay away. from that bit. Unless it comes to me then I go, that was funny, but if I'm not, I'll stay away. Should have mentioned it. Kim says, Wagwag Lids, have a word. How many times is it acceptable to audibly fart in a yoga class? I understand yoga can activate

rest and digest in the body, but at what point should someone excuse themselves to the toilet? One lady farted seven times in one class without even saying excuse me. My sister thinks I need to mind my own business, but I think the disgusting pig should be outside in a stye where she belongs.

Have a word. And that's from Kim. I think it's Woll, isn't it? A little fart and busy doing you. Far police are they in again. I think the second one. Yeah, it's what? And then you go, I'm so sorry.

I think you can do two. Huh? I think you can do two. But on the second one, it's like... But if she's trying, it's just a byproduct of... Because that is what is known for it, isn't it? yoga is known for that sort of thing to be.

Yeah, because you're loosening your body, but also... You relax and you're letting everything go. It's sort of a... Like you shoot yourself, you have a baby, isn't it? Well, I did a podcast yesterday, dead men, sorry to mention it, but they got... They did an article where a woman got lost a job because she...

Oh, she... The bus driver. Yeah, she lost the job. Yeah. She just... She'd farted so much and smelled that bad. She's the other woman who went, the thing after her, said she came home and her husband went, you stink of shit. and it was because she'd been in

the bused the little seat of the woman who's been farting a lot to the point where she went, right, so they went to court and the woman lost the job. Because she's medically flatulent. The father went. The father lost the job. Yeah. And a motor.

Did you just say people poo themselves when they're having a baby? Yeah. The women. Yeah. The doctor doesn't, you know, probably call someone. The doctor's shit on the floor. No, but like the dad doesn't just poo in solidarity, does he?

I think you might. when you're there eventually. With your sister. I've shit myself as well. Also, they're not going to stop delivering the baby of like, right, you can have one shit, but this is eight. This is disgusting. Do they put like a bochard under an ass?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They catch it. Yeah. They don't leave it. They don't even rolling around. I imagine. I've never been in... I've done yoga, but I've never seen a fart in the yoga.

Never heard of a fog. But also, I think there's a lot of an in the gym. there's a lot of like no but there's a lot of grace given to people I think in the gym I think you'll have to sort of go you're right

this is a double on top I think there's something suggested but yesterday there's a lot of grace you have to give people in the gym and arenas where people are working out I think like grunts and sweat and sweat like all that

come on Do you do the faces? Do you go to the gym? I've been, I've been, I go sort of, you know, every two, three months. You go to gym like Haider, you go to offset your pints. Yeah, pretty much, yeah. You're like, about too many pints this week. Next week I'll have none and go to gyms that the week after they can have pints again.

Yeah, the gym is just sort of a box. It's not training and, like, my money. But are you doing any sports? Pardon? Do you do any sports? No. I have, no. I was going to say I would play badminton if I could.

but it's too much admin trying to organise that. Like a few years ago, I played it. I went for like a six-week period where I played a friend like three, four times. I'll pay like every week with Peter Brush. Yeah. I do still do, Peter Brush loves it. After I moved away from Leeds,

I used to commute back to play with Peter Brush. We were double... You're still doing it? Inseparably. Yeah, we went to the Euros. Yeah. Badminton is good. I'd like pay me as well.

I feel like you being very tolerant about the grunting and the sweating and the smelling. Like, come on, I mean, I get it. You've got to be tolerant, but the fucking grunted. You know, when someone goes to the gym and they stink before they come in, it's like the clothes are just smelling of, like, damp.

And you go, and you go, you just got to put up that. He's throwing on his shit clothes to come and be horrible for an hour and here. You have to kind of go. I think it's bad for me. Oh, really? Oh, come on. You're in a shared space and you turn up stinking. I just think there's a little bit.

That's anywhere. That's anywhere. And you're allowed to, but. that, like, this place has a manager that you can bitch to. Like, it's not, like, if it's just out on the street, yeah, you go, fucking have a wash. But in a, in a gym, like, all the shaps, so if someone walks into the gym, stink and you go to the manager and you go, he stinks to.

If someone smell enough, I would consider having a word. Oh, really? Yeah, well. I think it's just because people are going there, you're not getting a lot, you're not going to get dressed up to go and get soaked and sweat, are you? So, like, well, some people do, obviously now, but, like, majority of people might go,

I'm just going in there and I'll do the workout there and get the shower after. But if they come up, stinking people who can't monitor their own fucking smell. Come on. Well, if someone fart in the gym?

Then it's, yeah, understandable. But if they're on the seventh one in a row on the same bit of machinery, I think it's valid to go, can you just go and have a poo? Is that what you do? No, I'd speak to the manager and go, can you come with me?

He needs to be told to go and have a poo. Hello, me. Can you go and have a poo? What if it's a woman and you go, can you go and have a poo? And she goes, actually, I'm pussy farting. I'm like, well, great form. Yeah. You need to control the core more, love.

Sorry, that was me. Apparently, good form doing the squats with the barbell for the best form, you put a butt plug in. Right. You? Which one? No, not me. I'm not, you know, my form has improved.

In your arse or in? No, in the arse. Yeah, stick a butt plug in. A lot of ladies, and I want to say a lot. Probably one woman on Instagram that I saw. Because if you're tense in the wrong way, you'll fire it out like a fucking dart into your leggings. But if you're controlling the core in the proper way,

you'll keep the butt plug in and do the perfect squat. You're going to give me a goal, aren't you? Oh, 100%. Steve, have you got any love honey butt plugs? I've got loads of butt plugs. Oh, nice one. Yeah, my phone's going to really improve. You can't.

You sort of push out when you squat. Okay, so what happens to push out and then the belt? And then the belt. Don, what if you're in the gym and you've got a butt plug in? and you do the wrong form when you fart a buplug out, is someone allowed to shout at you? Valid complaint, right.

I would pick it up and I would leave the gym for the afternoon. You wear baggy shorts. Yeah, but you wear the tight shorts, the cycling ones. That shouldn't get out. Tight shorts will keep it in,

you'll be fine. If you wear the baggy one, I wear basketball shorts at the gym. Oh, no. It'll just be a pooey bupug rolling around the floor. The tightness on the legs to make you feel more explosive. Go and tell the manager.

You've. He's got a pewy buck plug. What are you just, what are you, your lifts now? What's your squat? Low, because I don't want to do my back. So I go for higher reps.

I'm not trying to... I know, there was a guy the other day doing 200, he did one rep, 200 kilograms. Jesus. Like, we have spotters. Yeah, he had like two mates. What are we trying to do?

If you die at that point, yeah. No one should be like, oh, bless, who knew that would happen? What are you squatting? He's got half a fucking Persia on his back. What are you squatting? I just do.

60 or 70 high, more reps. It's not, it's fucking. Absolutely beginners. But if you just do more, you're putting your back under less strain. And what about your deadlift? What's that? I've done one ten.

Okay. Listen, but it's, again, it's massive strain. And also, the butt plug goes fucking miles. I broke a mirror. Just your shoulder press, and then I'm done. Oh, shoulder press, 27.5s. Okay. But I'm a,

I'm not a big guy. And also the number thing, there's just some weapon next to it. What is, I don't get in, whatever is burning me out. You could do more than 27.5. On shoulder press. On a barbell?

I don't know. But you're going to just injure yourself and damage a butt plug. You're doing it with dumbbells? Should we have this chat off pod? Did we get our little workout routines? I go every two or three things. What are you dead?

Let's stop because we did. So what if you did in yoga and some woman goes, do you know what, that was my 11 fart? I'm so sorry. Yeah, you should go. I think if they're apologising. But I went to... Every time.

14 fart and she's like, so's about that. That'll be the last one. No, I said this at 13. One of the yoga teacher farts. I feel like that. It's unprofessional. I'm not going to sweat of yoga in winter.

You're in a little fucking... Yeah. You're like in an inflator tent. Cabin's with a question. Do you reckon there's a market for fart and yoga? So, flatulent, flatulant yoga. So it's like, hey, no, if you've got IBS, Crohn's, you just need a poo. You can come to our, you can come to our one and we won't judge you, fart away.

And then the instructor, let's say it's me, I can be like, like, do this one and then just, oh. It's a thing. It's already a thing. You're late to the market. Flatulant. Fart yoga. Oh, this is great.

Do you reckon there's some purve in the corner that turned on? Oh yeah, so how would you prove they're actually into farts and not just there to just sniff everyone's fart at the door Yeah, if they're really bad they're really not trying like he's not He's just sat there on the batheed twice I've farted 11 times here Yeah but if he's just there going like I can't do it but I love it Like he's just sat there but he's not he's not really trying there

He shouldn't be like yeah you just sat there on your phone you go He's just he's a wronging Like if you were just like if you go at he's got to go now he's not even he's just literally doing like this and he's just being horrible in the corner like romey at the dog group like little beginners advanced like beginner farts four to five farts session maybe yeah yeah it's because you go like how often can you do it you know are you elite level yeah and then six till seven is the grunters at the gym if you're a grunter just go then midnight or one a m's poo yoga someone shit yourself you want me's no one's arse been

Naked poo yoga. My high rock lady do shast herself. I reckon there'd be a lot of weirdos there. Here you go, love at 1 a.m. Naked poo yoga. Also, it's got to be the last... It's got to be the last class of the day on it. You're not booking that in for 11 in the morning.

You're not late from the gym. That's at 12th. Where is flatulent yoga? YouTube. Oh, it's... There's like a learn out of do fart yoga. Yoga with bird is what the channel's called. It's for women.

of at least like bloating and stuff. It's like a... Right. It's not like a fetish. Oh, right. Oh, right. Okay, yeah. Anonymous. Now then, fellas,

have a word with me or my wife as we both believe that the other is at fault. I had finished some... I had finished some sour cream and onion pringles and I was clipping my toenails. Oh.

I thought I'll stick them in the empty tube to save the mess and put them in the bin when I leave the living room. Yeah. I forget to put the tube of pringles in the bin and my wife... comes in, shakes the tube, thinks there is some broken bits in the bottom.

So she pops off the lid and without looking puts the cone to her mouth and tips them in and starts chewing on my toenails. I hear a scream and come back in. She screams at me. She's fucking dramatic, isn't she? She screams at me. You've put your tony's in the pringle tubes, you dirty bastard. I explain my reasoning, but I think she should have checked first. So who is in the wrong? Him. heard. She's in the wrong for eating pringles.

Succulin pringles. Isn't it a crime? Look, she's done not and wrong but like his crime is leaving it there. That is a good place to put your toenail clippings. Oh.

The living room as well. Where'd you clip your toenails? Out of the window. Oh yeah. What? Cardaloo. Out my garden, the galilee.

Yeah, I do it out of my my bendry window. I just feel like it. Out of your window. You put you to stick your foot out the window. Are we on a mose here? I do my nails and then it goes out the window. Yeah, it's just the...

Oh, you throw them on the window? You throw your nails into the garden. No wonder the guinea pigs are dead. Can you talk me through it? You've been eating your toenails for months. The guinea pigs aren't just on the front lawn. Oh, in the front! What?

You're on your... You're a psychopath. The window. It's the best place for it. Why would you just put them in the bin? Or the toilet? Oh, because but then they're on the carpet and then you miss one. And then she's like, I haven't your room.

So you're cutting them direct out the window sort of thing? Or you're cutting them and then going... Oh, I put my hat. On the ledge. I lean out. So below that window is a pile of toenails. I haven't lived there for 150 years. How long have you lived there?

Seven years. How often do you trim your toenails off the window? Twice a day. You're right. There's been a bit of a build-up. I'm having a lot of collagen. They're growing quick. I normally do mine.

You could find your child. After I got out the bath, sat on the edge of the bed, and I just put them into some tissue and then I flush them. But sometimes I do them downstairs occasionally. And I'll just, I'll have like, we have a lot of fizzy cans in the house. So I'll finish like a can of fanta. And then I just put them in the empty can and I put the can in the bin. The high-risk game of finish the can in your house.

Like, I don't then leave it there and fill it up with a bit of water going, He-he-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Dan, do you do this window thing, even if it's, like, freezing? Like even when it's cold It's refreshing What if it was snowing And a child was trying to taste some It's not the Christmas Carol

At his front door What day is it boy Christmas day sir It's Davey the wolf Well have a nail clipping You're gone by the biggest turkey The window's low then The window ledge is quite low

Because yeah The window must be low I've been going yoga mate I get my leg up Don't worry about me Okay Well no I think it's a fucking great place for it

Do it in the loft Do you shave outside? Shaves his pubes out to the window. You shave outside? I shave in the pantry. So, where do you shave your pebs? My pubic area.

Oh, where do I do it? Like, where do you physically do it? I know you shaved the pew. Not out of the front window. We had a couple of complaints about that. I do it in the toilet way. Then flush it. Takes two flushes, though.

The residual pubs are there after one flush. Yeah, but it blocks, doesn't it? I do it in the shower. And then I just mop up the thing. with wet tissue. Yeah. Every time. Very similar.

Absolutely every time. Because it's easy to forget and then you will get out. Ideally it's you. Like she'd fucking kick off if I left there. She'd be fucking winch and you get at a hotel. If you're on the road, you go, oh, get it all done in the hotel.

Yeah. That's it. And it's not your problem. For the hotel. It's a problem. Piss in the sink. Yeah. You go like, I'll just put myself a holiday

in once every six months. You look, You're looking very hairy, Simon. I'll be in the jury here on Friday. Get a clean it. Clean it or book a little chief holiday in on a Monday somewhere. But that made you happy. That'd be Simon.

That's a good day. You get all your grooming done at a holiday in a side. Where does Laura do we? That's her business. Don't speak on her behalf. She must. She's doing it in the bathroom. But if I leave Piabs,

around the bath. Like, the winging is next level. Where's the pubes in the bath? You shave your pubs in the bath? Sometimes it's like a, you know, catchall, isn't it? Yeah. If I ever use her razor for anything, she's fucking fuming.

I don't use her razor for me asshole. Laura's. That would piss her off. What if she used jaw razor for their asshole? Couldn't give a fuck. Yeah, you've been looking at. Hey, I've kissed that bummo. What am I going to be doing?

If I use a toothbrush, it's the end. You kissed it. Oh, yeah. Good night. One on the lips, one on the forehead. Roll her over. Which lips? Nice.

Have you ever thought to do it? She doesn't want you to do it. And wash my ass, Dan. I don't care, Lord. I only ever consensually kiss a bummer. Dad, please. I've been the park today. in the shower.

Telling me that isn't pretty fun. The post-gym bum kiss. Come on. I don't mind. I've said it before. I don't mind. A sweaty off the bum. Yeah.

Biff, bum. You know? I don't mind. Come here. Yeah. She'd been in the club all night and she's got dancers conned. Don't mind. She's in the club quite regularly.

Like chefs are. I tell you what, love. I fancy shag tonight. Will you go to the club first? Lo to lunging. Dan, what would you do? If you said to Laura, come eat,

is a game on and she went, Dan, I've got chef's ass. What was that? I'd be like, Chef's ass. And honestly. What's that? It's when you've done a shift all night

in hospitality and you've got like a bit of rub and, you know. What would she have said, Dan, I'm full of chef's ass here, me. Yeah, don't worry, babe. I'll bring the pseudacrim.

I think it's, I think it's their calling, and that's the problem, in it? What? It's if she called it chef sauce. Yeah, I'd ask her to cancel her patron. Damn, I'm full of chefs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, just don't call it that. With crooks. She's got crooks on. Like, she's been a KP in the house. Is she a secret KP? She's a KP in your house, little hat on, a little vest. I'd be a class new show for Channel 4.

By the way, the secret of KP. It's like the secret million air. Just having me. I normally do the dishes. Ah, I fucking made these dishes. Wow. How's your ass? Great podcast, Simon.

I don't know, what are we saying with that? Clippings. Yeah, you're gross and you've been... You can't be like, ow. It's just a bad, bad mix. It's just about unfortunate happening, in it? What does penance? Hard. Are we doing confessions? Hard labour. All right, cool.

Just try it out of the window. See what happens. So unfortunate that. That's a podcast. It is a podcast. Simon, good luck with the tour. Thank you. Simonwasniac.org.com for tickets.

Get tickets. by them now because they're going to go soon. What a great Christmas present. Perfect for Christmas. Me, no, don't. Yeah. We're done really well. There you go.

I'll save that for off-post. Dan Nyingale.com for Dan and Friends tickets. The only thing left in on sale before Christmas with tickets available is Birmingham on the 22nd of November and Cardiff on the 29th. The rest is sold out. I'm in Birmingham exactly a week after you,

29th November. So make an eight-day trip. Follow me on Instagram as well. I love a follower, you see. Flying on, so I get my dough for. So I know, but I want to have a,

blah, again. So yeah, do that, please. Even if you, even if you don't want or just do it,

because it gives me that. Any film? Are any songs coming up, Finn? No, no songs. Got your gig, final gig with the band. 21st of November.

We're down to the final, we've sold 75% of the tickets. so far, so down to the last quarter. Any film clubs? Film Club 9th of December and we have a very special guest for that one. No. No, that's not the date you gave me. Is it not? If it's the 9th of December, I'm not the guest. It is the 3rd. Third. Third of December. When I will be in Nottingham at the Royal Concert Hall. Christmas special. Yeah. So is the guest on Film Club Live third of December. Take a time out. Yeah, but you will be. Are we saying what we're doing? No. That's the whole point of the thing.

Shut your fucking gob. Sorry. Know me better, man. That's a pod. It is a pod. Simon. Blessings, thank you. Bye, Felicia.