Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #41 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 24, 2020

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That supports the podcast. It helps us out. It's win-win. So do us a favor. Pause the pod here. Go and do that now, and then enjoy the episode Nice one

See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Now I'm getting the word Nuts Cha Upset me

Nasty bitch Catch me outside How about that I'm big bonded I'm heavy structured I'm hung low If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting!

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. With video on YouTube, on social media, at Have A Word Pod, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. Have a word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together I like that. My brother-in-law has just sent me a new laptop. So the whole fucking video production business at the end of this podcast, because we've got the audio down,

but I am like, I'm Grandad Dave when it comes to, when it comes to getting the videos out it's really hard i've got a shit computer for it and a shit program and my brother-in-law works for a company that basically bulk buys second-hand laptops and he's really busy now did you know this that's one of the hardest things to buy at the moment is laptops because as soon as everyone was like shit the roaner we've got to work from home all the companies like right we need fuck loads of laptops so places that sold laptops are doing a tremendous trade so my so my brother-in-law you know everyone's like oh god

everyone's worried everyone's really worried and my sister's like yeah i think we're doing all right actually i think dan might do quite well from the whole thing you're gonna keep it on the quiet aren't you but uh he has basically gone look what do you need it for and i told him what i needed it for and he was like are you bothered about what it looks like or the name i was like absolutely not i just want something that's fast and works well he was like i'm gonna put together a laptop that essentially no one wants that's jazzed up so i've spent 275 quid which for a laptop is fucking nothing isn't it but it's basically the laptop version of you know the would you rather we did the other day with like an old banger like a nissan micro with a fucking lamborghini engine yeah i think i've got the

laptop version of that i'm half expecting it to give me a handjob when I start it up for the first time, I don't know what's coming but I'm sort of excited to be able to knock out a video for this on YouTube check us out on YouTube, have a word pod Are you having another beer? Oh, yes

Oh Jesus Oh Jesus, Dennis got a problem. You've done a week-long warm-up for the lockdown lock-in. I know. Right. Let me talk you through. I felt like I was going to have to defend myself, and as I'm thinking it through,

I haven't got a lot of defence, but it's a problem, isn't it? Because I had a pint yesterday, and then that Cronenberg's been sat in the fridge, and as you know, I will let a lager sit for 24 hours and then just top it the fuck up. I mean, that's alcoholism, isn't it, essentially?

But yeah, that's what I did again. I was like, do you know what? I'm in a good mood. I've got my discount souped-up laptop. I'm seeing my mate, and we're going to be doing a podcast that I love. I'm having a fucking little shit. I want a beer. I told Jade

I'd only drink on Saturdays from now on because I was drinking like every day and now I just want to get fucking pissed today. Just go on, go and get a beer. No, she'll kick off. What will she do? What? Hey, you play, you play. Look at him having a Highland Spring.

Oh my God. He's gone from fucking trading in water for oil to mineral water. Mate, I've just put 10 grand on fucking Highland Springs, lad. So, yeah, also I've got a little, I've got a mini bonfire. My brother-in-law is a bit of a weed smoker. Have you ever been bothered about weed? No, I don't like it. No.

I have tried it a couple of times and weirdly it gave me a headache and that was it. I didn't feel high. I just had a pain in my head so it just put me off it. And that's every time I've had it. Different strains and everything. Have you ever been a smoker? No. i grew up

in a house with me mum and dad smoking like 40 a day each which is why i laugh like fucking mutley from wacky races oh my god he's northwest comedy's answer to roy castle for fucking um it's brutal that in it like that now people about oh my god you smoke around kids you're like yeah what about all our childhoods when my mom was like you're going to your gran's i was like brilliant great i'll go to the lnb factory around the corner gran used to look at constant when you go to dubai like you can still smoke in bars there and I've never ever ever the smoking ban on pubs and bars came in before I was old enough

to go to pubs and bars so I've never in the UK been to a smoke filled pub or bar or whatever in Dubai it's fucking horrendous because every second person is smoking a cigarette in every single place that it's possible to buy alcohol.

Pub, hotel, Costa Coffee, maternity ward. It's fucking awful. And when I come back from Dubai, I threw half my clothes away because they just stunk because I was in bars every night. And everything I had on while I was in those bars just stunk of smoke and was in bars every night. And everything I had on while I was in those bars just stunk of smoke. And no washing gets that out.

I mean, I really should not lean into the granddad Dave thing. But it does come quite naturally when you're speaking to someone who's 10 years younger than you. I obviously got a bar job when I was 18. Soon as I could. When my mates were working at Next and fucking McDonald's, I was like, you absolute bellends. Straight to a bar. had a blinder.

Two or three bar jobs, fucking constant smoke. Then went to uni, you could smoke in the union. It's just everywhere you went, people were smoking. Right, Nick? And you just got used to it. I'll tell you what you got used to, just getting burns on your arm. You'd just be dancing and some fucking girl would be like, oh, God.

And you'd be like, oh, yeah, I've got little scars on my forearms. And it was sort of like, yeah, yeah. You just occasionally get... Could you imagine now the outrage if someone smoked indoors but then also burnt you with a cigarette? There'd be a fucking... There'd be like a Twitter hashtag. It used to just be part of it.

And then I got a job at The Frog. And The Frog had deep fat fryers just behind the stage. I don't know how any comedy club has decided that that's where the fucking dirty, greasy kitchen needs to go. Literally, kitchen, door, stage. So you waited where the deep fryers were before you nipped on stage. And splashed with fat. Fuck me.

The smell of 200, and this is what, 2002, 2003, and even then they were going, God, people don't smoke like they used to. It was about two-thirds of the room. And the smell from the deep fat of whatever horrible fucking little samosas they were like, oh, very modern

cuisine, samosas that we buy, you know, 10,000 fucking lot of them, bulk bag. And lots of them bulk bag and then deep fried it and then all the cigarettes and if you you could never come home off a night out or a shift and wear the same top again when the smoking bag came in that was the one the first thing i noticed so i was like 2005 24 it was the it was the you could go out and then come back and go oh my god shirt's all right isn't it that's all right i might wear this twice it's like it was an absolute revelation also i remember the first night being out after the smoking ban and i could smell fart and i was like oh someone's

farted and usually you just had a like a thick haze of cancerous fucking L&B and whatever and in the first few weeks I was like I'd rather die of cancer than smell this man's ass when me and Jade lived in the place before we live now in a flat at one point our washing machine which was owned by the landlord so we couldn't just throw it away and buy a new one

it was fucked and he was our last landlord his name was Nicky and he was a fucking prick he's a knobhead And he was, our last landlord, his name was Nicky and he was a fucking prick. He's a knobhead. And he was just refusing to fix the washing machine. He was like, there's nothing wrong with it.

And we were like, it literally molded throughout the whole thing. Oh, that's just what happens with washing machines once you've had them for a few years. No, it fucking isn't.

You cheap twat. How old's a moldy washing machine? It's 10, 15, isn't it? Yeah, they're easy. And like, it was mouldy to the point where if you went on Google and Googled how to fix a mouldy washing machine and you followed all the instructions, it was alright for a day and then it was mouldy again.

Like, it was fucked, this thing. So, me and Jade asked my dad to help us out. We were like, can we just bring our washing to yours for like a week or so while we convince the fucking landlord that this washing machine needs to go. Now my dad is still a heavy smoker, like 30,

40 a day. And often, because he's skinned, he's got no money. He'll smoke Rollies. So instead of Siggy's, it's just like golden Virginia shit, which smells even worse. We had to throw all our clothes away that my dad washed. It was just a waste of time. He also won't use the tumble dryer

unless he absolutely has to. So he was taking our clothes out to wash and putting them on his radiators all around the house and on clothes horses. And then he's just smoking all day long. And then it comes into our house. I don't smoke. Jade's repulsed by the thought of smoking. Like,

we threw 90% of our clothes away just because our washing machine was broke for a week hey and i'm i'm not and i smoke i smoke when i was young that's fine i've like not anti-smoker but there's a level of smoking i can't do like my my brother-in-law now he smokes a bit of weed a little bit just goes out and has a bit of a spliff keeps it to himself comes back we watch parks andation with him stoned. I was like, are you following this? He was like, not really. I'm having a great time.

He occasionally has a cigarette. I find that inoffensive. I'm not anti-smoking. It's something about the people who are unaware of that when they smoke indoors. Like, if you smoke in your bed and you have an ashtray next to your bed, you need to change your life.

You need to go with crash more. And the people who just are unaware of it, you catch them when you're in the shop sometimes, don't you? And you're like, oh, what is that stale? Oh, it's that smell. And it's just that weird. It's in the clothes. It's in the skin.

I fucking hate it. It's horrible. And then to be like, can you take these these clothes we had that when etta was born relatives one set of relatives um who were lovely people but they came around with clothes for etta and they'd obviously bought them and then been in the house fucking smokers at laura's like and they're going in the bin nasty bitch upset me but no i've never i've never been a wee guy and i like i'm not i've done drugs and i have but i don't i want the drugs that make me go woo let's party i don't want the drugs that are like yeah let's watch four episodes of colombo back to back i just feel like that's just isn't

that just the flu that's like how is that loads of fun i think um i don't know whether you've seen this but did you have you seen the donald trump thing from last night the his speech have you seen it i have not i'm still reeling from the one a week ago that where he just had that argument with the reporter and he was like i could literally start the country up again and everyone's like no you can't it's governors isn't it what is he mental so you don't know what happened yesterday no right this is gonna sound like i'm making it up tell me i can find it right now i'm connected i'm gonna share it with you adam news so he was doing his press conference and he's got a doctor there and he was basically telling the doctor to go and look in to different ways to deal with

the coronavirus. He was like, so it's, it's literally like he's a stoner scouser. So if he was a stoner scouser, he'd be like, listen, lads,

I've had a couple of ideas here. So we haven't tried UV light yet. So I'm thinking we just put everyone on a fucking sunbed, innit? And if they, maybe that'll get rid of the coronavirus for them. And that's if you're going through the skin. There's also other ways. Like I'm thinking maybe if we put one of the fucking sunbed tubes up someone's ass, maybe that'll be a more direct.

So I've seen someone taking the piss out of it and been like, oh, he's just said something stupid. Now that makes sense I now get the reference he said that light was a way of treating it UV light and he said hold your hands up to the sun because sunlight

kills it so you can't wash your hands you should just let the light hit your hands and the best bit is do you remember a couple of weeks ago we were talking about it? Some lad had gone into like a fucking supermarket and found some disinfectant that said kills the coronavirus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's that little bro, right? Well, Donald Trump must have seen that video now because he goes, well, the thing is, you see, apparently the, this is my Donald Trump impression, the disinfectant kills it.

So I'm thinking maybe we could inject that into people and see what that does. Because as soon as the virus hits the disinfectant, then it's dead. I mean, it's not the only thing dead at this point, is it? For fuck's sake. Dettol have had to release a public statement saying do not listen to President Trump's advice. Don't drink or inject Dettol have had to release a public statement saying, do not listen to President Trump's advice.

Don't drink or inject Dettol at any point. It will literally kill you. This would be bad enough. If this was like your racist, stupid uncle who was just spitballing these ideas to his own wife, that would be bad enough. This is the leader of the free world. He's like, I'm just thinking

this disinfectant knocks the virus out and we haven't injected anyone with fucking Domestos yet mate so I'm just wondering what's the slowness on this fucking procedure why aren't we at least considering the possibility of just pouring death hole into someone's

lungs mate if this guy was the manager of a fucking, like, SO garage, you'd be like, this cunt should, this is dangerous. No one this stupid should be around flammable liquids. This guy, he's the leader of the free world. When I'm thinking, he's the light. And this is what's frightening. There's two things that frighten me.

One, he's influential enough that people will listen. People, not just in America, like, Americans are stupid. There's enough in America, but there's enough people that look to America around the world. Like, in South America, it's frightening that some people will be like, yeah, I'll give it a go. Like, at least one person has died drinking detergent in the last 12 hours

I bet in the world somewhere in the world that fuckwit has killed someone just by saying stupid shit and there'll be a lot more balance with the hands to the light going put your hands to the light Tavon put your hands to the light the president put his hands

Jesus the thing is though I don't think he's thought this through because people are going to do this and they're going to die but the only people who are going to do it are his like avid supporters and he's going to cost himself the next election because he's going to wipe out

his entire votership with fucking disinfectants and sunlight. Whoever the Democrats put up forward, whether it's Joe Biden or Elizabeth Warren. Is it Biden? It's a weird one, Biden.

Is he nearly 80? I think he's older than Trump and Trump's 73 or 74. He's got dementia and he's Biden and he also, did you not see like the diss track that Donald Trump released last week oh I'm I followed him all you see

so I'm well into this he put a video out of Joe Biden essentially saying he likes little kids to come and sit on his lap so he can talk to them and he just put it out

and then it ended with you know the oh what's I don't know what the song called meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh let me hear my tone so it was it's a the song called... Let me hear my tone.

It's a Donald Trump, Mike Pence official campaign video. I like kids coming and sitting on my lap. I just like it. I like stroking their hair. The thing is, you know, drink detergent, hands to the sun, and call your competitors pedos. But do it in music.

It's the best music. I created the music. Oh, my God. This is what else is frightening about him. He makes Boris Johnson feel like the safest pair. I know there'll be people listening going, Dan, you're mad. Are you fucking kidding?

I would take Boris Johnson a thousand times over Donald Trump. I know they're big blonde fuckwits, the pair of them. But with Boris Johnson, you get this like, oh, I'm super fuddled. I mean, how did I even? What am I like? That's an act, isn't it? I mean, to a point, I think that is an act.

I'm an absolute character. I think you think i i think but i'd still take trump i'd still sorry i don't say trump but i would take an unstuffed skin from the builder bear workshop over both of them uh build event with one of those plebs that's got like a builder bear rucksack hi guys what are you after today we've got bears we've got bunnies we've got characters from how to train your dragon we're actually here for a prime minister okay i'm gonna i'm just gonna find my manager have you have you been to a builder

bear workshop yeah right i went to one this is true on your own yeah that's a legal list I went on my own you're right I'm here for the fucking bear mate so the Build-A-Bear workshop in Hamleys in the middle of London

right so this was a few years ago I was seeing a girl she lived down there right and I was I was coming home to the day she'd gone to work

so it was my last day of visiting her right so I thought do you know what what I'll do because she'd already gone to work

I was like right I'll go and get her a builder bear and I'll leave it on her bed and when she finishes work and gets home tonight there'll be a nice

builder bear present on her bed because I'm a romantic little sod I thought this would be great how old is she how old is she she was nine

do you need a lawyer never mind a podcast partner She was nine. Do you need a lawyer? Never mind a podcast partner. I was seeing this girl, and I left her a little... Let's just take it out of context. And I just thought, I'm leaving, so I'll get a bear, and I'll put it on her bed, and I'll just sneak out before she wakes up, or her mum and dad come in.

All right. Sorry, how old was she, Adam? Just for the legal back. She was older than me. Oh, my God. Good, good, God. She just liked teddy bears. Right, cool.

Was she kinky? Not with the bears. Or was she special needs? What was going on? Not have like a teddy? No, she fucking doesn't no she fucking doesn't she doesn't even have me you know oh god all right well that's it's not as funny anymore really who's who's the main bear who's the who's number one who's well she's got

matt the monkey oh matt the monkey wow what an unplayful name for your monkey Well, she's got Matt the monkey. Oh, Matt the monkey. Wow, what an unplayful name for your monkey. I know she's used alliteration. What's your monkey called, Matt? She's got Matt the monkey, and she's got Little Jade, which is another monkey. What? Little Jade, yeah.

Do you want to see her? What? Adam, get out of the fucking house right now. Oh. Oh. That massive, pill-head eyes monkey. house right now oh oh that massive pill head eyes monk that's not little jade that fucking thing's bigger than jade that little jade's head is bigger than fucking normal jade's head matt the monkey is really big do you want to see matt no i don't you need to get out of the house adam you're in danger you're in love with a fucking psychopath who has a monkey called little whatever i'm gonna get mad okay just give us get a beer as well

hey everyone listening i i can't explain to you how not little little jade is and i know we do some joking and like oh jade's texting through and i do like jade i've always got on with her in the in the years that Adam's been with her. But I'm really scared because that's a psycho bitch move, isn't it? Who names the fucking stuffed toy little whatever their name is? I've got a... Oh! Oh, my God.

That's mad. What the fuck is that? I'm so freaked out. It's colossal. It's bigger than you. And you've got a massive head and that's got a bigger head. Where does that go? Do you have to have a...

Do you have to sleep with that? That doesn't sleep in the bed with you. That's a seven stone fucking monkey what are you saying that's a seven stone monkey how much does that weigh it's quite heavy like have you got it into any schools

what are you are you gonna get is it getting christened what the fuck is that I don't think me standing outside a school with a teddy bear that big doesn't anyone any favors does it oh my god i'm still free time there's one called little jade what do you want to call this monkey little me all right psycho if you try to get a honestly Honestly, you would have to get... You'd have to remortgage the house

to buy that cunt from Build-A-Bear. They'd be like, dude, we've got enough... We've got so much stuff in. Yeah, no, that wasn't from Build-A-Bear. Of course it was. It cost a fucking £120,000. That's from Wilco's. So, I went to Build-A-Bear

to get my ex-girlfriend in the teddy bear, I'm just into girls who like teddy bears apparently, so I'm in the queue and I'm literally the only person there who hasn't got at least one child with them so it looks like you've hit someone people

what do you call this? Build a bridge. The people who work in Build-A-Bear are instructed that they are not to break character at any point. It doesn't matter who you are. So I'm in this queue and I'm like it's London, which I don't like anyway. I'm in the biggest fucking queue ever to buy

a fucking teddy bear. Biggest toy shop in the world. One of the biggest toy shops in the world fucking queue ever to buy a fucking teddy bear biggest toy shop in the world one of the biggest toy shops in the world it's just stressful and annoying i'm just regretting trying to do something nice yeah yeah and then i get to the front and i was like can i have this one please love and it goes yes we can mr mr what's your. Adam. You can have this one. Yes. So now what we need to do, first of all, right, is we need to get a heart. Go into the box of hearts over there.

She's doing, she did to you what she did to Etta and she's three. Got to have a heartbeat. You're not allowed to change it for anyone, right? So she goes, go and get a heart. And I was like, can you just get a heart for me?

Can you just make the teddy for me, please? She goes, no, no, no, that takes the magic away. It's not going to be alive if you don't do this. So go and pick a heart. So I go and pick a heart. She goes, right, now I need you to give it three kisses. And I went, love, I'm not kissing a little plastic heart. I'm just not doing that.

She was like, come on, Mr. Adam. And then the child in the queue behind me like, come on, Mr. Adam. And then the child in the queue behind me goes, come on, Mr. Adam. So now I've got to kiss her three times. And she goes, now we need to put some energy into the heart. So I need three jumping jacks from you. One, two.

And I was like, I'm not jumping up and down. Come on, Mr. Adam. I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. So I'm now on my own. No, you didn't. You didn't. I did. Oh, I'm not jumping up and down. Come on, Mr. Adam. I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. So I'm now on my own. No, you didn't. You didn't.

I did. Oh, I did. I just needed to get out of there. Oh, God. You're the only fucking bloke on his own on a four-floor toy shop. You've already had to take three fucking escalators looking like a pedophile. And now you're doing star jumps at Build-A-Bear oh god

and I've had a wank on a National Express and I'm still more I'm more do you know Liam Bolton yeah so for those who don't know he's a comedian a very very funny one who doesn't put anywhere near enough effort into the

game of comedy but could be very very good if he wanted to speak. Me, him and Paul Smith recorded a podcast once and do you know what the Build-A-Bag conspiracy is? Like the Illuminati, like they sacrifice children and shit. Do you know what Build-A-Bag is? No, I wouldn't.

No, I don't. You don't know what it is? No. Okay, it's like a secret society that apparently the likes of Hillary Clinton that I'm involved in and they they fuck kids

and sacrifice goats and whatever okay I'd never heard of that until we did that podcast and for 10 minutes Liam Bolton was talking about the Bilderberg group

and I thought he was talking about the Bilderberg group so for 5 minutes he was talking about the Build-A-Bear group. So for five minutes he's talking about this society that take children and fuck them and kill them and I'm like but I've been to a Build-A-Bear workshop. They're such joyous places.

That's how they get you. Kiss the heart three times and then do three star jumps and then just go in that back door there. Fucking hell. Did you get accessories? No, I just got the bed and got the fuck out of there. You had to do your little star jump and she kissed the heart.

Spent 25 quid. I had to stuff it myself. And you went back to this girl's house, you popped it on her bed and then left London. Did you ever see her again? Yeah, when we broke up. It wasn't worth it. No.

No. The image of you doing star jumps in Hamleys has honestly mortified me more than the Bilderberg story. I can almost glaze over. I'm like, yeah, all right, that's what we talk about. Whew. Now then, lads, I want to tell you about Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car body work, and customization services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire.

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put the fucking massive monkey down did you buy that? did you buy the monkey? I did yeah the fucking thing's five foot five

how the cunt's bigger than my fucking wife. How? How? How much did you spend on wedding by that? 40 quid from Wilkinson's. There you go.

More like you get a lot of fucking monkey for your money at Wilco's. Got some fucking bin liners, pick and mix, and a 40-pound fucking monkey that could weigh down a fucking horse. Look at that. Do you think she holds it when you're away? She does sometimes. She prints off a picture of me face sometimes and sticks it over there so that it looks like me.

Silly. Silly person. Right. Talking of love and all the fucking malarkey that goes around it, we've been sent this from a listener.

Now, this isn't actually their experience, but they sent me this and they wanted me to read it out. He's like, you've got to read this. So a shout out to Adam for sending this. This apparently was doing the rounds on gay Twitter. Oh, now I... Is that gay Twitter? Well, now, because of this podcast, uh this apparently was doing the rounds on gay twitter oh now i guess apparently well now because of this podcast i am i've got one foot fully in scouse twitter and uh oh by the fucking way before we start on this how was your clap last night how's the west derby clap tell me about the

clap for the nhs at 8 p. Talk me through it. How does it go? Have the fireworks stopped? No, the fireworks still went on. My dog was shitting itself again. It's like about sort of a third of the people come out. Maybe half. Oh, that's disappointing, isn't it?

I think a lot of people are so sort of socialist here they're like well I don't do that I vote for them and they don't understand that you can do both do you know what I mean they should be getting PPE not be getting fucking collapse mate

yeah one doesn't stop the other we have a really good turnout in our little bit of Chester and there's nothing else goes on it we've got one shop one pharmacy one pub and fuck all else so everyone's adhering to it talk to will duggan who's in walthamstow in east london and he said if you go to the shop it's not quiet enough to not piss you off you're like he, he's walking around going, this is, people aren't doing this. There's too many people out.

And I don't know what the experience of, like fucking London is. It's different. But he's like, it feels like 70% of people doing it, this whole shutdown and social distancing. But 30% in like a built up part of East London is still a fuck ton of people. Here,

everyone's doing it. It's not possible to police though, is it? And the only way he can possibly know that there's too many people out is if he's out. So he's one of the too many people? No. Well.

Hang on. You're allowed to go to... Fucking, this is a guy who's been to the chippy covered in his own fucking specimens. Like, he's allowed to go to the shop, but he's having to walk past gangs of people who are just hanging out oh that's what he means he means like he doesn't he's not judging people going to and from shops he's like they're fucking why are these people just sat around

but here everyone's doing it and the clap has been quite a nice thing and then yesterday the guy that lives over the road uh decided to crank up his dog shit speakers and at eight o'clock really loudly what from what sounded like a tape or an actual record an old like vinyl record play you'll never walk alone alone at full fucking volume. Yes, mate! Now, I'm not... When you walk through a storm Oh my god. Hold your head up high and dance

if you have done. Right, I'm glad you really gave up on that. Now, I don't know when the anniversary of Hillsborough was, but it was recently, so I'm not trying to take away from that. And if he was doing that, that's fine. I think he's just a bit of a bellend and decided, you know what this clap needs for the NHS?

It needs a football-based tribute. And I just, I'm not even, I'm, I like Liverpool. Hang on a minute. It pissed me off. I was like, what are we doing? But it's nothing to do with Liverpool Football Club. Is it not? No.

The message is to the nurses that they'll never walk alone. Yeah. And at the end of this storm, this pandemic, there's going to be a golden sky. Right. Because they'll be fucking dead and they'll be in heaven. this pandemic there's going to be a golden sky right because they'll be fucking dead and they'll be in heaven

disgusting it's quite bleak honestly I I've been to Anfield and when everyone sings you'll never walk alone I don't give a

I'm not it's like I'm a Watford fan but no not to the point where I hate Liverpool they're not fucking I actually saw Liverpool beat Watford

in the like 2003 Carling Cup or whatever it was semi-final I you get hairs on the back of your neck it's amazing

it's absolutely amazing I love it and I would also love to go and watch Celtic I mean I remember Celtic and Liverpool playing in the UEFA Cup

and they obviously sing You'll Never Walk Alone as well don't they so did Dortmund oh my god I'd love to see that shit I'd love to see everyone be like

oh yeah this is both our songs I think it's amazing when we played Dortmund and the UEFA Cup like two or three years ago three three or four years ago, Anfield, that you'll never walk alone

was special, mate. It was sick. Yeah, Dortmund are cool as well, aren't they? I like Dortmund. If you're going to be a footballer, if you're going to be a footballer and you had to play for, ooh, that's a question.

We'll come back to this. But I love Dortmund. I just didn't appreciate it. I just felt like that's not what we're fucking doing, though, is it? And then he's got his full arms up like he's on the Kop. He's doing it, except we're in a leafy suburb of fucking Sorgel. And at the end of it, everyone was clapping. And he took it and he went, thank you, everyone.

No, mate you everyone. No, mate. No. No one. What are you doing? We're not clapping for you. You're fucking, you're not, you're not,

you're not in the NHS. You work at the fucking co-op. Well, then he's still a key worker. Oh, he's a hero. He's a hero. Fucking piss me off.

What was your football question you were going to ask me then here's one right you're one of the best footballers of all time they talk about you Pele Maradona

Messi Ronaldo you're literally up there Suarez Cristiano Ronaldo Ronaldo, Ro. You're literally up there. Suarez, Suarez, you've got... Ronaldo, Ro. Yeah, Cristiano Ronaldo. No, Ronaldinho, Ro.

Ronaldinho, oh my God. No, Ronaldinho, Ro. Ronaldinho, Ro. Right, so you're a special needs footballer. Fucking Dovey, who's changed his name by default, to Ronaldinho. Hello, my name's Ronaldinho. You like... I'd love to see this as well,

if just God fucked with things, and you had the exact same build, but you could run like a 9.86, 100 metres, you're the fastest... I've already done this, I'm dead quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as they had a fucking chippy on the Anfield Road end. Honestly, have you seen the... It's weird. The capacity of Anfield's gone down by about 1,000. It's gone down to 55. Why? Because at the Anfield Road end, they've had to build a chippy.

Yeah, they've had to bring them in from West Harbour. Hello, open. Woof, there he goes down the right wing. And in the second half, he tracks back. Right. So, Ronaldine Rowe. Okay. Ronaldini Rowe.

Ronaldini Rowe. Oh, say it properly. I'll take it seriously. You're a three, you are a three club man. You come up through the system at fucking West Derby Rovers. Right. But you're picked up by an Italian team. Oh, sorry, a German team because they love the youth, you're

then sold to Spain and then you go and close out your career in Italy. You never play in the Premier League or any other league. You play for a German team, you play for a Spanish team and you play for an Italian team. Which three teams would you pick? We don't do football loads but it's not British football, so it's not going to have everyone going, fuck off, I fucking hate that team. Can I end my career at Reading? Fuck no.

Why Reading? That's the most depressing team in British football. And I'm a Watford fan. We are honestly we're so alive compared to those dead cunts at Reading right

three teams starting Germany you go to Spain you retire in Italy who's your teams Ronaldinho as an 18 year old easy to say Dortmund

isn't it like this is where your ideas come from but I've got a hearth of Berlin jacket and I really like it oh

can I just say touche for you for thinking beyond Dortmund which I cannot I cannot think beyond Dortmund because I'm a Watford fan

yellow and black the Dortmund oh the fuck but for not saying Bayern München for not saying Munich oh yeah no oh it's too easy

yeah no they're Man United they're Man United aren't they yeah they're Man United um here to Berlin

I've got a great little jacket that I got I went to Berlin with Karl and we went to we did the Olympic Stadium tour and I bought from the club shop

I got myself a little running jacket um so I'd I'd choose here to Berlin to start my career because I could be the best player in their team, even as a youth player, because they're quite low down the league. Yeah, also in Germany,

they're literally giving an 11-year-old his first game, aren't they? They're like, how old are you? We like you young. Or Jordan Santra. I know you're only 17. Is this German person spent a lot of time are you? We like you young. Or Jordan Sancho. I know you're only 17. Is this German person spends a lot of time in Asia? No, this is, I'm the general manager of Hutter Berlin.

What are you? Welcome to Hutter Berlin. You think you fit your ally? Oh, you think Hutter Berlin is your team? You merely adopted Hutter Berlin. I was born here. Molded here. I was born in the first team.

Molded by it. Yeah, Adam. I'd start Hertha Berlin. Can I just stop you, Adam? January 10th is the birthday of this podcast. We are one years old on January 10th. We can't go away. You've missed Japan. I've missed Mallorca

when's Carl back from Japan? in July can we all go to Berlin to celebrate the first birthday of this podcast please in January and we go and watch a Hertha game if it's back on if we can yeah

my birthday is the 11th of January as well, so that's a nice little tie-in. Right. And then, massive signing. He's gone from fucking Germany. Hang on, I want to go into a little bit more detail here. So, here's the billing. Make me debut at 16.

I do quite well for a year. Big prospect. All the big clubs are circling. I speak to my agents and I'm like, look, I know that the big clubs are after me, I speak to my agents and I'm like, look, I know that the big clubs are after me, but I just want to learn me trade a bit first. I feel like I can do something with her to Berlin. Who's your agent? I think you

should take someone from comedy and take them over to the football game. Paul Blair. No, Adam Rushton. No. No. I wouldn't let Adam Rushton negotiate my fucking Sky Bill Never mind me fucking Bundesliga contract So at 16 I break food

doing well Then at 17 to 18 that, I'm just ripping it up. At the age... Smashing it. I have another year at Hearth of Berlin, 18 to 19. At 19... Bitches are getting Builder Bears everywhere. Literally the whole of Berlin, every single attractive woman in Berlin.

It's like, oh, Ronaldinho has left me a very big turn to bear. All three of them. 19, I made club captain. Youngest club captain in Hertha Berlin history. And we have a real good push. We get into the Champions League. I stay for one more year because I want to play in the Champions League with Hertha Berlin.

They're a club of my heart. But it doesn't work out quite well. So at 21, I make me move and I go. Two. Which one is it? Let's go Madrid. Fuck off you hipster!

I'm not having it. Would you really? I don't want to go to Real Madrid or Barca. I hate both of them. That's such big club thinking you know you're a fan of a big British club if you don't think Barcelona are real if you're basically rivals like oh yeah them cunts

yeah no because like Barcelona fucked us over with Coutinho and with Suarez and Real Madrid did it with Michael Owen back in the day well first of all they did not fuck you over with Coutinho you got an absolute

boatload and he's done jack shit yeah but he was like amazing for us at the time and they fucked with his head they got told no they wouldn't take no for an answer the rats so I'm going to Atletico we're going to compete 5 years at Atletico you're an absolute worldie world cup with England 4 going to Atletico right we're going to compete 5 years at Atletico

you're an absolute world world cup with England 4 years at Atletico and a 25 I'm going to AC Milan oh those cunts

fucking European royalty mate European royalty 6 times Champions League winners just like Liverpool the detail you're going into was so funny

at her table I thought you were going to be I thought like I think all comics have to be a certain level of fantasist it's how your head has to work

it's almost like the difference between sort of like a BSC or a BA your head has to be tuned to like the scientific or the artistic

comedians by their very nature have to go on like imaginative flights of fancy, otherwise you wouldn't be able to have the thought processes that end up as like the cognitive thought that becomes a joke that you can share with someone on stage, because a lot of the time what we do is like just thoughts or

sort of ideas, that was getting advanced with her to be like no right, 17, then there's an injury two weeks off but i meet a girl frau gunter and she's a beautiful bodybuilder from bavaria and i we fall in love and we get prego we get prego that's when i have little adam and it's getting too advanced so basically it's Hertha Atletico AC yeah right well I'll go Dortmund

Barca Inter pow suck my balls what's that hack what do you mean hack just you went hack Dortmund's hack Barca's hack oh right I'll change it.

I will go Borussia Mönchengladbach, that no one can say properly, Racing Santander and fucking Bari. Oh, that's right. That's a dreadful career. I could have that career now if I could be bothered fucking... If you could play

for any English big club like right now. So you can't play for Watford. You've had a decent career. You've had a fucking amazing season. The big clubs are all circling. You've got contract offers

from Man United, Arsenal, Liverpool, Tottenham, Man City and Chelsea. Who'd you go for? Man United is a bit of a mess, isn't it? And Tottenham, I can't stand Mourinho anymore.

I think he needs to just bore off. I love that new ground, and I think there's probably some talent there, but I think Mourinho's a dull fucker. I think Arsenal's tempting because there's low expectations they've been faffing. I'd like to be a Liverpool player just so you

could lick my arse. Why do you want that? It'd be amazing. All the lids like, I tell you what, that fucking Danny Nightingale, I tell you what, he's nearly 40 and he's fucking overweight. But he honestly, 40 goals in a fucking season. Just playing off the back 11.

Oh dear, ridiculous. That was so stupid. I can't remember what we're talking about. I think we were meant to have a middle section we hardly ever taught football do you know the truth is when you were saying that with all those teams i want to play for the new orleans saints so much i wanted to change the game oh shit shit shit sorry i didn't i didn't realize oh, I didn't realise I was connected to the thing. Did you see the tweet of the woman

who lost her fucking parrot in Liverpool? Oh, yeah. Please, everyone, shit it! Chanel! My parrot just flew away, oh, my God! Chanel! Chanel! Her name's Chanel.

I don't know why this got me so much. I would have totally forgotten that I'd set this up. And in my head, I was like, is Adam going to want to do this? We never really do videos. It's also, am I being a dick about Liverpool? And it's the way she goes chanel uh karen who's your favorite perfume made by it's absolutely epic she's just so if you haven't if you haven't seen this yet, we'll retweet it on Twitter. A woman who looks like Donald Trump's

slightly younger sister. Hang on. You can't be slagging her looks off. That's nasty. Right, well, I'll tweet. Nasty man. Right. Has lost her parrot

and does a Facebook live. Please, everyone, share this. Me parrot just flew away on me gun. Chanel! I need Chanel. It does something to me the way she goes, Chanel! You know she got it back. And I followed the story.

I'm totally invested in this woman. It's got... And I followed the story. I'm totally invested in this woman. It's the fucking... It's the Chanel. Towards the canal, please. Everyone, please. She's gone towards the canal. Chanel! Oh, God.

Do you know her? That's the... This is... Oh. The first thing I thought was, Adam genuinely might know this How racist of you to assume that all Scousers know each other

Oi You're not a fucking race, right? We are You're not a race You think you're a race, that's why Numbnuts from across the way is singing You'll never walk alone during the NHS clap because he's like, you can't

criticise this, this with a fucking race everyone share this please everyone share this me purse just flew away on me gun. Shut up! I'm telling you right now, I've got a new drop. And every time you go a little bit too scouse, every time you just go too scouse, I'm giving it the...

Right, when you go, when there's a moment, and I'm like, fuck me, Adam, you've just got to tune the scouse down just by 20%. Shut up! And if you're not from the Merseyside area and you're like, who is this woman?

She's the MP for Liverpool South. I'm thinking of getting myself a parrot now and calling it Jean-Paul Gaultier. Jean-Paul Gaultier! Jean-Paul Armani Code! Armani Code! I'm going to get a fucking pet rat and call it Lynx Africa. Paco Rabanne!

Paco Rabanne's a bit risky, isn't he? Paco! Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. One more time. Please, just one more time.

Just let me do it once more, and then I'll stop. I promise. Me pants just flew away on me gun. One more. Shut up! Right. Oh, God. How is your sister? She's doing all right. Shut up! Right. Oh, God. How is your sister?

All right? Is she doing okay? Right, Adam, we've not done any of that, and I'll do it. We've got, basically, we have waffled bullshit for so long, I now don't have to do any work for tomorrow because I've already fucking done it. Doing these adverts makes me want to go to Vauxhall Comedy Club so much.

When the shutdown is over, when we're free, when venues are open again, if you like comedy and you're in London, or if you're visiting the Big Smoke, go and watch some live stand-up at the Vauxhall Comedy Club. It's just over the water, near the West End, really central. On a Friday and Saturday night, they have an amazing offer where they do as much booze as you can get. A bottomless booze comedy night. Amazing comedians from the TV, from the circuit. It's 90 minutes, free wine, cider, beer, and it's just 25 quid.

There's also a spirit and mixer bottomless ticket, and there's also an entry ticket that's just £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club is open Monday to Saturday, and it's right next to the amazing voxel street food garden so obviously right now you can't go but as soon as you can get down there enjoy yourself adam's played it i'm looking forward to playing it and in the meantime hit them up on socials at voxel comedy club on instagram at voxel comedy on twitter and voxel Club on Facebook. The show is 18 and over, so if you look young and fresh, take your ID. And if you look like me,

fucking Grandad Dave, you'll get right in. See you there, Vauxhall Comedy Club. Nice one. Two mics, two leads, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Wad. Oh, yes.

Adam, this is our job. It is, isn't it? This is this is our job for a while as well this is what we make the majority of our living from do you mean the majority have you got have you got a side a little side scheme yeah i'm selling knock-off Build-A-Bear. Just getting sucked and jizzing into them and selling them to kids on the estate. This is my new fucking business. It's called Maker Teddy. Now, come on in, kids. Stop crying.

Let me clear my throat. Shut up! now this one only came in today but I loved the subject heading so much that it's going straight in it's getting it's run out today so the subject heading of this email was gobby fucking bitch wow fucking wow who's this from was goby fucking bitch. Wow.

Fucking wow. Who's this from? Who's this from? I think, let me just double check, but I think it's from Zoe Manley. Oh, Zoe. You call anyone a bitch, love. She's quite a...

Yeah, Zoe Manley. She's quite an active supporter of the pod, isn't she? She's very vocal on Twitter about us. So thanks, Zoe, for the continued support and for this absolute belter of a submission. Hi, lads. Can you please have a word with my bell sniff of a neighbour? Love it.

She's so unnecessarily loud. She stands in the garden screaming and shouting at her fella and it does me head in can they not hate each other in private or had they been around once to tell her to shut up and she just cried about her life to me sorry sorry stop it because you got a new button save it i haven't got a new button I just touched my phone I'll disconnect it it's done I honestly when she was like we have a word with my neighbour

she's lost her fucking parrot sorry go on sorry Adam I've had a bit we've all had a bit the war recently got stepped up a notch they've got a new cat that keeps trying to come in my house and attacking my rabbit

me fella bought a nerf gun super soaker and it's working a treat obviously i would never hurt an animal but i've beat a bit of water is keeping it away problem is they saw that this happened it was a good shot to be fair. And they were extra loud in their complaining. Please have a word with her and tell her to shut the fuck up. Doubt she listens to the pod by choice, but due to

severe lack of a sense of humour. Oh, sorry. I doubt she listens to the pod by choice due to her severe lack of a sense of humour. But if you read this out, I will passive-aggressively sit in my garden and play it dead loud to get the points across. Get the speakers out.

Get the fucking speakers out. Cheers from Zoe in Newtonly Willows. Newtonly Willows? Yeah. Sounds magical, doesn't it? Newtonly Willows? It's basically like the arsehole of wigan i knew i recognized it right well first of all did she use the the word bell whiff bell sniff bell sniff any any variation on Bell End.

You've already won me over. Bell Whiff, Bell Sniff. And I hope she plays this. I hope she plays this now. I hope this is what's playing really loudly in her garden. Oi, neighbour! Shut the fuck up. Hey, Zoe's neighbour, wind

your fucking neck in. If you're going to shout at your fella, do it in the house like a nice person and keep that fucking cat away from the rabbit, you rat. That was the most, that felt like the worst audio version of a Scouse Tiger King ever. Keep that fucking cat away

from the rabbit, you rat. Welcome to Adam Rose Petting Zoo. Also, let me just say this to the fucking noisy neighbour. If you're asked about your cat getting wet, you better never let it out in the rain. If that cat's ever out in the rain, you're a hypocrite now, aren't you?

There's nothing wrong with super soaking a cat to get it away from your rabbit. Gandhi said that. Yeah, that is a... I think that's a Gandhi quote. Was it Mother Teresa? It's one of the two. Clever though, isn't it?

What's a... What's a... Did he... Did she say super soak a Nerf gun? Yeah. Is there like a hybrid? There must Super Soaker Nerf gun? Yeah. Is there like a hybrid? There must be. Shall we Google it?

I'm aware of either thing. I didn't know there was like a fucking... Oh, yes, there is, mate. Oh, my God. What's that trading at? Tenner. trading up in tenner fuck off tenner nerf super soaker

soaker patreon.com have a word pod please support our quest to make super soakers if you give £10 a month, these two fucking morons... Shut up!

Oh, God. What? Just... Is it just... Like, just hate each other quietly. Have you ever had neighbours like this where they'd always have a murder? each other quietly have you ever had neighbors like this where they'd always have a murder some student neighbors a few years ago we never heard them speak we just heard their dance music

but he i think he was trying to train to be a dj and he used to practice at the the least appropriate times like tuesday tea time and it was like if you're looking for devotion you got to show me love you gotta show me they were both about 19 20 years old they looked like nocturnal. They hadn't seen vitamin D for fucking years. Yeah, my ass is vitamin D every day. Since PE, when they were forced to go outside, the little vampire fuckers. And Laura's like, it's fucking disgraceful. I'm going to go and talk to them.

You should talk to them. I was like, I don't want to talk to them. They'll beat me up. Laura actually went and did it for me she literally on her own went and called them fucking bellends and asked them to turn it down and and they went they it went down from but to be fair she backs it up it went down from like sorry laura if you listen I didn't mean that. I think she's fine with it. She's on brand.

Yeah, so, I've never heard full-on, like, really rough-arse, like, arguing, like, well, I told you, fuck off and die! But the music was something else. That was something else. They ruined a whole New Year's Day when we came back with a hangover, and I've done this on stage, and you can can watch this bit on youtube there's a headline set i did at the

chiswick comedy club headliners and i tell the full story but we came back hungover and we tried to watch something nostalgic and nice and this and we were so hungover the sound of music was on and we were too hungover to like choose a dvd or whatever and i was like can we just watch it and then these fuckwits we must have got back from our mates from new year's eve about half 10 11 in the morning and i think that's when they got back from like their second after party they brought mates back and we heard like noise like people talking and then this the music started through the whole of the sound of music from the flat next door these little while we watched the sound of music so it was honestly so but it was like how do you solve a

problem like maria and i dined out on that story for years and it was so funny look the best bit of the whole bit is like Laura going, what? Because she's never done drugs. So she was like, these fucking morons. What are they doing? They're listening to like music. I don't. What are they doing?

And I was like, babe, they're just, they're having a party, aren't they? It's fucking New Year's Day. We've come back at normal drinking. They're just still going. Like, it's ridiculous. But you're just going to have to let. I used to go to these fucking things, let it die out. And then she was like like it's ridiculous but you're just gonna have to let i used to go to these fucking things let it die out and then she was like it's fucking ridiculous fuck and then she could then this is the bit i did on stage i was like she couldn't work out

when it started she was like is this from last night or if they started this at lunchtime i was like babe it's definitely from last night isn't it because they're listening to that shit no one in the history of new year's day has been like let's have a bit of a about 11 a.m come round we'll have a few glasses of prosecco i've got some dips out i'll put some music on so yeah i've never heard it's like hobby skivvy fucking shouty neighbors but i've put i've been through some stuff. Me and Jade went to a period where we were arguing fucking all the time and we were those neighbours. You've not had them, you are them.

Swats! It's brutal, though, isn't it? It's fun to hear, though, isn't it? I think that was quite comprehensive, wasn't it? If Zoe's neighbour is still listening, go fuck yourself, bitch! Hope you find your parrot, motherfucker! Oh, God. Oh, that has been a podcast, Daniel.

Hang on an hour. That has been one of my favourites for a wee while. You reckon? I mean, mine have been yours. I've had a fucking great time there. You should just drink every day. You're in such a good mood lately. I think I might.

Today's artist is called Darren Holmes. He was very popular the first time we featured him with his song Dream Big. So we've got him back again. This song is called Supermarket Love, which at the minute is against social distancing.

That's not worked out well for him, has it? This is Darren Holmes with Supermarket Love. We'll see you tomorrow for the lockdown lock-in in a bit, kids. Shazam! In a bit, kids. Chanel! Chanel! Bye. Thank you. One super marketer Sent from above

And gone in a footwear But some of the young there First kissed in the elevator When I went to see her They reached for the greatest heights While he filled with the lights Supermarket love Selling from above

They're moving on for fair But some of it out there Then one day he became a boss And he no longer gave a toss And he no longer gave a toss And he no longer gave a toss Supermodel Sent from above

The blow that I would wear Thank you. Super Monkey Love Sing from above Super Monkey Love