Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #43 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

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That supports the podcast. It helps us out. It's win-win. So do us a favor. Pause the pod here. Go and do that now, and then enjoy the episode Nice one

See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Now I'm getting the word Nuts Cha Upset me

Nasty bitch Catch me outside How about that I'm big bonded I'm heavy structured I'm hung low If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting!

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. With video on YouTube, on social media, at Have A Word Pod, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. Have a word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together. Oh sweet day Welcome back Welcome back From a day of rest I really did rest yesterday

Fuck me I had like an afternoon nap Then I had another You know when you've finished a nap You're like Oh fuck it I'm gonna go have a little bit more amazing laura was like you've done a lot you're doing so much with the pod you're doing so much

you have a bit of rest by the time i finished my second nap she was like no do more now that's enough what a belting night's sleep so yeah fucking proper day of rest. What did you do with your Sunday? I was very, very, very productive. Jesus. Woke up, got a little wash immediately. It's always good to start the day with a wash of the balls. If you want to get shit done, wash your balls early. Yeah, up, wash, brush my teeth, went for a cup of tea,

had me little toast for me breakfast, and then I got stuck in to sorting this fucking house out. And you know what? I'm getting there, mate. This house is going to be spotless tomorrow. Well, maybe the next day, but we're getting there. Within a week. Before the end of the show. Two hour walk

with the dog. Took her on a big, massive, hikey walk. Nice. That was good. It just, I feel like I've got my mojo back. I feel like I'm ready to get shit done again. I was in it. I'll be honest with you, the last week or so,

I've just been in a bit of a slump, you know, when you're just a bit fucking, like, and it just felt like that not an did I have a consequence to it, Freddie Quinn said something like this to me last week. It didn't matter what he did because the next day is going to be exactly the same regardless. And I got into that and then I was like, look at the state of this house.

I can sort this out and then I can start planning for post-lockdown because I'm starting to be a bit more optimistic. I'm back. I'm back, Dan. I'm here. And I'm eating better. I've been having me meals, but no snacking. I've stopped on the

fizzy drinks. Cut myself back to only two cups of tea a day. I have two sugars in me tea, and I was having like five cups of tea, ten sugars in a day. Bit fucking much, innit? Gone blind in one eye. Bit jittery. Can't sleep till five in the morning.

I don't know what's going on. Yeah. I think everyone's allowed to have a little funk, aren't they, during this time? Because it's tricky because you can't do the shit that you normally do

to get yourself out of a funk. That's why I think you've got to give yourself a bit of a break because usually if you've been working too hard, like if you've been hammering it for four weeks, some go do you know what just need a night off and a few beers see the mates like you can't do that so yeah if you've if you've been feeling like lethargic getting sometimes people go do you know what i'm gonna go to the gym do a big session at the gym

you can't do that fuck i feel a bit like i've just stuck in these four walls i'm gonna go shopping you can't do that so whatever you need to get yourself out of a funk, I think you're allowed to do it. People will be listening going, Christ almighty, two months ago, if you'd have heard Adam Rowe go, I've tied it up and I had a cup of tea and I went walking. You'd be like, has Adam had a car crash? What's happened? Has he had a brain injury? But that's genuinely hearing that is like yep it's good because i i'm a big believer in this now control what you can control and try not to worry about the things that are out of your control everyone that we've talked to who's like oh i'm having a hard time they're trying to predict things that they have no control over but what you can do is tidy up where you work and live

like we work from home a lot. I've had to reorder this space a few times, and it makes you feel like you go, fuck, I've got my little world in a little bit of order. Yeah. It's good for you. I bought a big whiteboard as well. And every morning since yesterday,

I put a... Every single morning since yesterday. I put a to-do list on it. It was Jade's idea. Put a to-do list on it it's Jade's idea put a to-do list on it but the first few things you put on you've already done so they just get ticked straight away breathe in

breathe out two ticks don't shit yourself half a tick I love it the thing that I normally do to get myself out of a funk is do a gig

you know if it's like a Monday or a Tuesday or whatever some shit day of the week and I'm in a bad mood I'll normally ring hot water and go

hey can you squeeze me on for 10 minutes tonight and I won't even go down with planned material I'll just go and rant about me day and it's never your best gig but it's just cathartic

do you know what I mean? and some of those little gems come from it as well well it often I get lost for stuff that I can never do again because it requires the actual energy do you know what I mean? like there was one time me and Jade did that fucking murder

and I just couldn't be arsed so I just texted him I was like can you squeeze me on and he said yeah and I went down Paul Smith was like what the fuck's the matter with you? I was like I'm just she's on me fucking head in like i'm just

i'm just gonna talk about it on stage and i went on stage and i fucking murdered for 15 minutes volleyed the gig all over the place come off and paul smith was like that is a new 15 minutes of material that was great i tried it the next night and I fucking stunk the place out. I think I've tried it again. That awful thing. And if anyone's listening going, when you talk about comedy, I can't, how does it work? Because I'm not a stand-up. You know when something in your life happens and you go,

I'll tell you that'll make laugh, that'll make fucking, that'll make my mate Tom laugh. Tom will fucking love that story. And then you tell it tom and he thinks it's hilarious and that shit i might tell that to i might like to tell that to matt as well that is basically how stand-up works except instead of like tom and matt we're like hot water the edinburgh festival that's how it works for us but then there's these little moments something happens with a bit of interaction or you think of a genuinely think of a story like adam's talking about where you've just riffing on your day or you think of something

in the moment that's not necessarily banter but just pops in your head and for whatever reason the stars align the crowd are on board and it absolutely nails and you're like oh my god i'm a fucking genius and then you come off stage good you i've even done it so you're like oh my god I'm a fucking genius and then you come off stage going I've even done it so you're talking to the comments

going how did I start that bit fuck how did I start that bit oh shit yeah yeah yeah what did I say and they're like oh yeah that was great and you write it down

and you think oh god it's so easy it's gonna be months of stuff I'm gonna fucking develop that and then it turns out that it's just the next night

it's gone from gold to dog shit overnight something happens i think it's partly authenticity when when it's happened that day or when even if it's not that day even if it was a week ago the first time you say it is when you're really at the peak of your emotions every time after that you're acting and when you're acting unless you're a really really really good actor which most comedians are because we have to do the same stuff night after night for months

that first time with some stuff the authenticity of it he's genuinely pissed off here it's just genuinely ruined his fucking day that I think an audience

can smell sometimes I think there's certain bits that without that authenticity it just doesn't work and that's why it works once and never again and certain bits need 10 15 runouts before they hit the stride i mean some bits you can be doing for six months and then you just unlock a little part

of it and you're like oh my god that bit is really ripping now it's almost like they it needed those runouts yes other bits that just it cannot work like that so frustrating it's and it's part of the thing that is so fun about stand-up i'm getting all like horny for the gig now i want to just any literally any gig like a gig that usually if a promoter rang you up and was like oh can you come and do my nun's front room near warrington and it's 35 pounds you'd be like no bobby murdoch i'm all right but but now do portsmouth jonglers for fuck all right now and i mean that i fucking i drive you drive you and get you to 10 i i would do my i would do a local funeral

I'd be like what's your capacity in here? Oh you've only got 9 in brilliant I'll make it 10 now I didn't know the deceased but who's been drinking? You died of cirrhosis of the liver well at least one of us has hey come on

follow me on social media at I'd do fucking any gig would ya? I mentioned the bottom of Jonglers there so for those who don't know

Jonglers is a now deceased comedy chain which at one point was the height of British club comedy and ended up as an absolutely abysmal brand of comedy

because it was just stag and hendoos the priority was sell and drink over the comedy because it was just stag and hen do's. The priority was sell and drink over the comedy. So you were just performing to a load of drunk idiots who didn't care about the gig. They'd got their ticket on Groupon as part of a big stag do weekend package. It was just, oh, we've got to go to the comedy.

A disposable audience, weren't they, basically? That was the mode. It was like you'd just put a mic in the corner of a Wetherspoons and tried to get everyone's attention. Like, hey, guys, no, listen, listen, no. No, this next guy's a good friend of mine. Give it up for Dan Nightingale.

It was just horrendous. But I think I would go and do Portsmouth Junglers right now, which was the worst one. I never did it. You know, it got held up as the worst one by a stretch i did it once i managed to dodge it i did it once it was abysmal i'd do sway did you do sway sway was like is that a london nightclub where yeah where they were like two floors and it was it was amazing because London, for those who don't know, is historically a lower paying comedy city.

That seems sort of counterintuitive. You'd think London paid more because obviously everything's more expensive there. But it's a supply and demand thing. There's so many comedians in London that the comedy clubs don't have to pay as much. But Sway, you did two gigs. You did the basement room and then you'd go upstairs and do there. And you got 250 quid. And this was 15 years ago.

You got 250 quid for each set. So you got 500 quid to do one night at Sway. And the basement was just about playable. And upstairs was fucking insane. It was like doing...

It was like doing comedy at a Tiesto gig. So everyone's off to bed on LSD. Pillow powder heads. And Tiesto's gone. I'm gone for the shit. I'll be back in 20 minutes. And then you've walked onto that room and everyone's just like,

get another beer, get another beer. I want a shot. Jager bombs, Jager bombs, Jager bombs now. Let's get fucked up. Let's get fucked up. Tiesto will be back in a minute. No, let's get the drinks. That's all that matters.

Let's just get drink, drink, drink. And you're just there going, so I'm single. Anyone else single in the room it's all i think the big giveaway is that when you're gigging and you know it's not going to be fun for the whole night or just your bit is in the few minutes before the section starts or the show starts if there's a person dancing to the music in the break or the build-up, like stood up dancing, you and your colleagues for the night are fucked.

That's how you know you're not at a gig. You are comedy interrupting Julie's birthday. That's essential. And when the bouncer comes over, like, excuse me, there's no dancing. Well, she is not dancing. It's my birthday. I'll fucking dance if I want. You're like, oh Jesus. Hope Johnny Orson's on. Another

bad sign, right, is when, because like, in most green rooms there's like a screen, isn't there, that you can see the stage from? And when pre-show you're sat in the green room and you look at the screen and some knobhead has got on the stage and grabbed the mic before the show, he's on like a stag do

and he's trying to tell jokes into the mic before it kicks off. That is the sign of a stinkin' of a gig to come, innit? Yeah, you just know even if the rest of them are dead sound there's at least one table of utter fuckwits. And one

table, one fuckwit is enough. Yeah. That's like really well the show where gary got on stage and pretended to be a comedian for 12 seconds for the dormant choke slammed him wasn't that really funny oh we're so great no one else did that that's because they're not as funny as us when someone walks on the stage and you're on it that's a whole nother level that's like oh now we're in the this could be dangerous sort of like i hope that if i get hurt in some way they're recording it so i get to do a jim jeffries and profit from this like when you see someone come towards you on the stage you in you go through this weird thing as a comedian and i've been a big believer in this for ages and i've said it on the podcast if you're a storyteller or you sort of recount your life as part of your

stand-up in moments of danger you get the initial human response of oh fuck this is going to be really dangerous but then you instantly after years of looking for this sort of stuff you also get that second wave of like yeah but this could be a really funny fucking story so you flinch and then you sort of go fuck no lean into it there's you know you're at a bad gig when someone stands up and you you feel the first two steps towards the stage and you're like okay let's roll the dice on how this one's gonna go is dan a gonna get hugged by a drunk girl B, punched by a wanker it's so brutal that's why I like the frog and bucket stage so much you know

because the frog and bucket stage is very very high and a couple of months ago I think I was definitely doing a set, I assume I was on last and I'd been doing a bit of crowd wear because it got to that point at the frog where everyone was quite drunk and when you're closing the show you've got to deal with that and I'd been doing a bit of crowd wear because it had got to that point at the Frog where everyone was quite drunk and when you're closing

the show you've got to deal with that and I'd absolutely buried this guy, he was like the smallest guy in a group of like 20 lads so he had typical small man syndrome like well I'm normally the funny one but there's someone else in the room being funny so I need to try and compete

with him and then he loses because you've got a microphone and we're professional comedians. And he walked towards the stage. He was actually going to the toilet, but I thought he was coming for me. And I just picked the mic stand up. I was like, because he's got like four steps to get up here. I'll just knock it. I'll just

hell in a cell, yeah? I'm just going to fucking put the base of the mic stand in your fucking face. You've got no chance of getting up here. The frog and bucket, basically. The frog and the stage is the safest one in your fucking face you've got no chance of getting up here the frog and bucket basically the safest one yeah because i don't they did it by accident but they've they've accidentally basically recreated the comedy club version of a motten bailey from medieval like castles and defenses it's if it's basically so high that if the venue flooded you'd have about four hours before the stage was a problem you'd just be stood there going i'll get fucking someone will give me a lift out of it it's amazing

they'd have they'd have to take four full steps up some some of the people giving you shit the frog wouldn't be able to make those four steps however that's when it works in your favor the frog and bucket having a high stage which weirdly sometimes I like because it raises you up. It's a bit of an amphitheatre, the frog, isn't it? They're up, they're around you, and you're very much in the middle of the room, it feels like, especially if they're coming at you. So if someone's coming at you at the frog,

say they're coming at the bat, they'd have to come down and then round some stairs. There's a lot of zigzagging to then have to climb some stairs. Hopefully a bouncer's watching. Where that high stage does not work very well is at Beat the Frog on the amateur night where they have amateur comedians who are A, nervous, or B, disabled. So, oh, those four quite steep steps,

very little narrow staircase I mean just by the way can I just pause for a sec by what you've just said you don't count any disabled comedians as professional who are the disabled pros well I don't know whether they count themselves. Tanya Lee is disabled, isn't she? Yeah, yeah.

She gets thrown on. Francesca Martinez, Rosie Jones. Yeah. Tim Renkow. They're doing too well to do the frog. Their disability has helped them not do the frog. Fuck, I love Rosie Jones. Tim Renkow, yeah, it's not good.

But obviously, how often on a bill of four acts for the weekend do you see a disabled? I don't know. Oh, who's blind? Chris McCausland's blind. New game show. Who is blind? I'm your host, Dan Nightingale.

Welcome to ITV1 here on Saturday night with Who is Blind? Round one. Are they blind or are they about to sneeze? Adam. Do they need a guide dog or antihistamines? Do they need a guide dog or antihistamines? We've got eight contestants who all claim to be blind, but we think some are just partially sighted.

Let's separate the men from the boys with the first section called Boo! When there is a disabled act on that stage and they just wobble a little bit you're like oh oh god oh god there's a guy who's got really bad parkinson's what's he something jay and he is on like he's on yeah he's on a he's on a zimmer frame sort of thing and i've seen him nearly and then he does this bit when he falls back and you're like if you misjudge that you're gonna break your neck and then also kill someone in the front row like it's really steep in it that chris the chris mccausland i have a i heard a brilliant story i've heard two great

stories about michael mcintyre because people like to slag off michael mcintyre and peter k and most of the famous acts because there's an element of bitterness isn't there from a lot of like well they you know they're all right they're multi-millionaires now but i'll tell you why i don't rate them and a lot of that is because they've sort of jumped the queue in front of comedians who are decent but think they should be there as well but with mcintyre it's weird because you don't hear a lot of that stuff because he was quite aloof i think another thing about McIntyre for me is like if anyone slags off his ability as a comic anyone

then I've got no respect for your opinion on comedy Michael McIntyre is not necessarily someone I would pay to go and watch but he's the one act on the planet that I'd least rather follow I'd rather follow Patrice O'Neill Bill Bear and Richard Pryor than Michael McIntyre I really would rather follow i'd rather follow patrice o'neill bill bear and richard prior than michael mcintyre

i really was he smashes yeah it the gig's done in it if he's on the gig's done performance rate just the hit rate maybe not now it's a bit different now but 10 years ago when he was really at the height of his game when he was doing the road show and he was the biggest name in British stand-up. The guy's a monster and it's very easy to sort of detract from the big names. Like, oh, well, I don't rate them because of that. But I honestly, with Michael McIntyre, it's funny because comics sort of want to whinge about him,

but I don't think he's a bad guy. I've heard a few stories about him that just make his legend more impressive with me. He was at the O2 in London, about to get paid £30,000 to do a corporate. Obviously, this is probably 10 years ago, he's now a big name. £30,000 he was getting.

I think he would have been doing a few of these. This was when he was really one of the big names. Just backstage, got everything you want, Michael? He's like, yeah, yeah, got everything I want. He was like, just out of interest, who's it for? I do so many of these. I've not even checked. My agent's not told me.

What's the company? And they were like, oh, it's a few different companies. They're essentially debt collectors. And he went, oh, all right, cool. I'm not going to do it then. And apparently the woman was like, but it starts in 10 minutes he was like yeah

about 8 years ago, 9 years ago I nearly lost my house and these were the cunts that were hounding me out of it so I'll be fucked if I'm going to entertain them now and they went do you realise it's £30,000 I don't give a shit

I'll put a work in progress days on and I'll make it back immediately. And then the two other stories I've heard, which I fucking love, of him just taking the piss for his own entertainment. One includes Chris McCausland on a bill with Chris McCausland. They're all sat in the dressing room and Chris is blind and he often has his brother or his dad

or someone to help him on stage that night there wasn't it wasn't one of his relatives it was a member of staff and they were like you need to get Chris by the arm and walk him along the side and walk him onto the stage and then just put him in front of the mic and you know so he knows where he is and then just leave him from there and the kid was like yeah yeah okay brilliant so they did that and then in the next section michael mcintyre went to the lad the lad was like hey do you need anything guys he was like yeah i'd like to be walked uh onto the stage as well please and the kid was like like young nervous lad that works they're like and he was like no i want to be walked onto the stage didn't laugh and the kid was so young he went really he was like yes he went okay

so michael mcintyre got led by the arm by the same kid down the side of the audience walked onto the stage like he was blind made the kid put him exactly like he'd done with christmas calls that give him the mic and then he just started the gig so the whole crowd were like fuck two blind comedians and then he never referenced it and he just did his gig just to entertain just to entertain himself

there's also another story where they're in a dressing room and Tony Hendrix and Pierre Hollins now I know this is getting a bit who the fuck is that guy these are two acts from the circuit who were professionals when i started out one is a white guy who's jamaican one's pierre hollins who's lovely sound does a bit of music but tony hendrix is the white jamaican that's how he sells himself but off stage he talks like this he's obviously quite wealthy from trinidad and tobago or jamaica i can't remember but talks like this very well raised but he's actually brought up on the island of trinidad and Tobago or Jamaica I can't remember but talks like this very well raised

but he's actually brought up on the island of Trinidad or whatever and so Pierre he walks on he's like hello my name is Tony Hendricks I'm the white Jamaica whatever I can't remember if he's the white Jamaica I think he's Jamaican so Pierre Hollins Tony Hendricks rips it like oh thank you very much man you're being incredible comes off stage and Pierre Hollins has obviously been bugged by this and goes can I ask you a question I'm not trying to piss you off but is it not sort of bullshit you don't actually talk

like that you walk on stage you say oh I'm from you know the west of the Caribbean and then you just do the voice and then Tony Hendrix is like that's my heritage that's where I grew up I have every right to talk like that and Pierre Hollins is like, yeah but you don't actually talk like that, do you? So it's a bit offensive because essentially

you're doing a black Jamaican voice and it got really fucking edgy the other comics in the room are there Michael McIntyre's about to go on and everyone's like, leave it, leave it, McIntyre says fucking nothing and it goes awkward for a full like 5 or 10 minutes because you can tell Pierre Hollins is fuming to go on and everyone's like leave it leave it mcintyre says fucking nothing and it goes awkward for a full like five or ten minutes because you can tell pierre hans is fuming tony hendrix is

fuming no one says anything then just so it doesn't like cause a proper fight the compare goes back on brings on michael mcintyre and he goes hello my name is michael mcintyre And he does the whole set in a Jamaican accent. Just to fuck with them. I've got one Michael McIntyre story that I heard, which is sort of a, it ties into something you mentioned before. So Jim Jeffries, who is now a massive star in America

and over here, he worked in the UK for a long time on the circuit. And he got his first break, really, because a clip, one of the first stand-up clips that ever went viral was him on stage at the Comedy Store in Manchester. Jim, as you'll know if you know of his work,

is quite a provocative stand-up, certainly has been known to offend people. He pissed someone off to the point where they ran the stage and punched them a few times. And that clip went viral, and that was the start of Jim Jefferies becoming what he is today. Michael McIntyre was on that bill, right? And he was the act on just before Jim Jefferies.

Now, in the Comedy Store Manchester dressing room, there's a screen in the corner where you can see the stage, you can see everything that's happening, right? Michael McIntyre seen Jim Jefferies get punched and then run off stage. He then turned the TV off and got his paper out

and just sat reading it on the couch. And Jim Jefferies comes into the dressing room and goes, McIntyre goes, oh, Jim, how was your set? And Jim goes, fucking hell, mate, I've just been punched in the fucking face. And McIntyre went, oh, Jim, how was your set? And Jim goes, fucking hell, mate, I've just been punched in the fucking face. And McIntyre went, oh, no one can follow me. Fucking hell.

You might not think he's the best comic ever, but they're the sort of stories with comics that make you a fucking legend, when all the stuff you hear about Peter Kay is that he's genuinely a bit of a betland. And then with Michael McIntyre, you hear these weird, subtle stories. And you're like, yeah, might be a bit of a ledge there. I got told McIntyre was a not. I've only met him once.

It was last year. I was very fortunate to be asked to perform at the Comedy Store's 40th birthday. So there was like 18 of us on the bill 9 in each half at the comedy store in London and the bill was absolutely ridiculous there was two sort of up and coming acts on the bill

one was me and one was Tom Ward and the rest of it was like McIntyre, John Bishop Alexi Sale, Omar Jalili, Stephen K. Amos, Rich Hall, just who's who?

No women. Joe Caulfield was on. Yes, Joe. Just the storyline. Who else was on? A pretty good fucking bill. Steve Gribben was on Steve Gribben closed because he's musical

he closed the gig but it was just ridiculous and the first half back to back Zoe Lyons as well so the first half went Alexi Sale Zoe Lyons, John Bishop Michael McIntyre,

Ahmed Jalili. And McIntyre, mate, was so, so sound. Like, just dead nice. Like, he was in the green room. I went up and went, hiya, Michael. Nice to meet you. My name's Adam. I'm on a bit later on.

He didn't stay to watch the second half. He needed to set and got off, as you'd expect him to. But in the green room, he was just, like, the nicest the nicest normal comic fella i heard all these stories of him being i've heard those stories where he can be a bit funny and entertain themselves but i'd also heard he was a bit snooty and arrogant and condescending and i just got none of that vibe from him at all he just he was dead sound he spoke to me like like a peer rather than beneath him and i got told from what i imagine is probably a combination of half truths and jealousy that he was quite condescending to other people and the same i just didn't get that from him at all yeah i did a

support for him when he was doing a warm-up for the road show in leeds this is a while ago and i'd heard some of that stuff as well and he was the nicest and also introduced me in a very generous way like went on and did 10 15 then really softened them up and then went now i'm doing new stuff but to justify the 12 quid or whatever that you're paying we've got a brilliant comedian from the circuit you might have seen him here before he's absolutely superb he's called down night and girl i'm so chuffed that he can do it and you're like he doesn't have to do any of that for me that's just the sign of a of a non-shit in it yeah he's a good guy he's a top comic all right baby from our sponsors all right now then lids i want to tell you about trans alloy wheels limited alloy wheel

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Nice one, lads. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling triggered. It must be Havawad with Adam and Dave. Okie dokie. Forch and pig and a pokey.

Where's that from? You say that all the time. It's from the league of gentlemen and when we went when we oh it's very very good the first two series are amazing and it was on when i was like doing my gcse's in around that age so you know when you catchphrase comedy yeah back in the olden days just before the war war, when I was doing my O-levels. And, yeah, that's one of the, Pauline, she's the unemployment, she's the dole officer. Okie dokie, picking a pokey, good morning, job seekers.

And I put it on the clip at the start. When we went into shutdown and we lost all our work, I played it as part of the intro. But because you don't listen back to the episodes, you're like, hey? So everyone was like, oh, yeah, it's from that thing. And Adam's like, what is that? Can't listen to himself back. I could really fuck with the intro thinking that.

We've got an email in saying, dear Alex and Dave, yeah, I don't know. People are just having fun with it now. Dear Alex and Dave, I've bought myself some millennium lube the gays and dave were right jesus christ nearly spaffed out a lung first time i used it amazing stuff thanks for the recommendation you're absolutely welcome my friend see what while i remember well no i know we're in the middle of work here, but I want to order some of that, so I'm going to just go on Amazon now.

Millennium ID. Millennium ID. You just need a small bottle because it's expensive. You know, you were thinking about investing in oil. I'd honestly say it would be a safe bet to invest in Millennium Lube genuinely you can order this

either as a one time purchase or a subscription where they send you a bottle a month and they knock two quid off per bottle if you subscribe how are we not, I want a beer52.com style sponsorship from Millennium Lube.

And I mean this just without any disrespect to our listeners. I think we've got a lot of wankers listening. You reckon? Not in a negative way, in a positive way. Are you ordering some? What size bottle are you going for? It's 250 mil oh nice 18 quid saving on that oil money hey do you know what just before we crack on with this i've just realized that lube is on amazon Prime. Now, Amazon Prime at the minute are only delivering essential items on Prime,

which means they class lube. That's up there with bread and milk. Bread, milk, cereal, lube. What about AA batteries? Don't be fucking stupid. We're not fucking made of deliveries. Penicillin, insulin lube because you don't want dead children

or chafing are they really still doing the essentials yeah is it just the essentials because I've got some but it's very limited crime service right I've ordered a skipping rope and that's not coming for a week

your commitment to paedophilia is just phenomenal ER girls hop in why does your mind go somewhere you're a dirty dirty dirty man I'm not the one buying a fucking skipping rope when kids are trying to get medicine

I'm going to be as fit as a boxer boxers do skipping. Yeah, so do little girls. Well, I got a boxer's one. It's black. It's long. It's wide. It's black. It's long. It drags along the floor.

It's Adam's skipping rope. Oh, Jesus. So you've got a big, long one coming, have you? And lube, you say. What are you doing with this fucking skipping rope? Where are you putting it? Jade, come and play with this. I'm going to be like a boxer.

I'm going to have cauliflower arse. Yeah, I want to get in shape, so I'm going to get my skiff up. And I've got my bike. I'm going to be fit as fuck, mate. Yeah. Yeah, you've had a very... I honestly think you might need more days off because you've come back on phenomenal form.

Like, I'm rested. I'm focused. I've tidied my office. I've tidied the room. I've done my tax return. I've got a big black skipping rope coming. I've got a bike. I'm a new man.

I've got my account sorted for the new tax year, which is not due till January. That's done. It's done. Yeah, so I've already done it as well. Because what else are you doing? People are like, I've not got around to tidying my fucking bedroom. Sort your shit out.

Hi, Adam and Dan. Very respectful. Thank you, Finchie. You played our song Tinderella a few weeks ago. The name of the band adam sometime today uh brilliant track a lot of people enjoyed it um he says thank you we're really grateful she says i'm currently sat next to my wife who is also sending you an email with a drunk story and would you rather about fucking goats okay i've got that one in hand. He says,

I have a bad sex story for the pod. Not a virginity story, but still just as bad. So this was back in 2007. So this was back in 2007. There was 12 of us who went to Newquay for our mate's 21st. To cut a long story short,

there was only me and another lad out at the end of a long drinking sesh as everyone else had gone back to the campsite. My mate was trying to pull anything with a pulse. I was basically on my own and just as I was about to leave, I got pulled back to the dance floor by some bird who started grinding on me to Reach by S Club 7, the sexiest of all the S Club 7 songs.

Reach for my tits. How do you grind to Reach? I love S Club 7 songs. Reach for my tits. How do you grind to reach? Like, I love S Club 7. I'm a fan of their work, but you can't grind to reach for the stars. Climb every mountain high and reach. That's a body popping song, isn't it? That's a shoulders and hips song.

It's not a... It sounds like the most... I don't see nothing wrong. that's a shoulders and hips song it's not a it sounds like the most that's a grind song it's it sounds like the most sinister fucking school disco ever how rough was your school that there was grinding during reach for the stars elaine elaine get away from him i'm every mountain high and reach for the stars Slut dropping in year four And when that rainbow's shining over you That's when your dreams will all come true Shut up

At the end of the song she said You're coming home with me Now it's just put that in quotation marks but I think it's funnier that I've made her have that voice and I've decided that that's the voice she's going to have You're coming home with me. Now, he's just put that in quotation marks, but I think it's funnier that I've made her have that voice. And I've decided that that's the voice she's going to

have. You're coming home with me. And dragged me out the door, to which I was obviously made up. We walked down the beach and we saw someone she knew and she ran over and then I started having some chat with some Chelsea fans about knocking them out of the Champions League. He's a red. After about 15 minutes, the girl comes running back

over saying, alright right here's our taxi so i was like oh fuck great i thought this was gone back in the game so i get in the taxi with her and it's all getting hot and bothered on the back seats we're in the car for about 20 minutes maybe we're getting off and even started oh god i wasn't i wasn't expecting that. We're getting off and I've even started slipping a cheeky finger up there. I can see the taxi driver looking in his rear view mirror at us, but he's not saying anything. And I'm thinking, yeah, I'm the man. I'm the dirty bastard.

He's loving it, which put me off a bit, to be honest. Anyway, we pull up outside the girl's house and get out of the taxi, but the taxi driver also gets out. I say to her, where's he going? He doesn't think he's coming with us, does he? To which she replies, no, he's my dad. I was mortified. Her dad.

Her dad was the taxi driver. He must have picked us up at the end of his shift in his taxi, and I'd basically frigged a girl off in front of her own dad. No, no, no, no, not having it. Call them bullshit. There's no way any girl is getting fingered in the back of her dad's taxi. Imagine being that open about sex with your parents that A, you'd let yourself be fingered in front of them,

or B, you'd watch your daughter get fingered in front of them or b you'd watch your daughter get fingered in front of you i did this immensely disturbing but being a horny 21 year old i thought fuck it i'm gonna get laid so proceeded to slip one up her twice but made no hang on what oh right okay good we they had sex twice but he left before the parents got up in the morning and he buggered off. Finchy. I can't, I can't, I can't. Are you calling bullshit? Yeah, defo.

There's no way, there's no way that any girl is in the back of her dad's taxi and is getting blasted. Getting blasted. And is like, I'm fine with this. She'd at least be batting his hand away and go, no. She'd have said, that's me, Dad. I don't care. No one is open enough sexually with their parents

to get fingered in front of them. Nobody. Not a chance. What you're forgetting here is that Finchie, I think he laid the groundwork for this story when he said she was grinding to reach by s club seven i say fucking granddad the dj because that's the only way that that's admissible evidence in this debate okay mate if you can grind to s club

seven songs you can get finger banged in a in a in the back of your dad's car and there's the no context have a word oh so while he's been emailing this his wife and marie is also emailed in a would you rather and as it's monday and sometimes we start a little bit flat at the start of the week i thought we'd you know what we'd-Marie, get us going. Would you rather have shagged a goat and have no one know about it or have never shagged a goat

and have everyone think that you have? I am 60% sure we've already done this. Would you rather? We'll do it again. I'm more than happy to do it again. It wasn't't a go i want to know what kind of fucked up household these two live in that finch she's telling that story like darling i'm marie look what i'm saying could you just spell check that for me she's like no there's just one g and finger hey yeah nice one thanks babe love you what are you emailing in I'm emailing the goat would you rather brilliant love

you see you tonight fucking hell Rob Thomas comedian and friend of the pod does a bit of stand up about

this would you rather or it's more about his brother posing this would you rather to him and how ridiculous that is but yes I

would shag the goat what and you keep it secret yeah I'd rather shag the goat. What, and you keep it secret? Yeah. I'd rather shag a goat and no one know than everyone think I've shagged a goat. My reputation is more important to me than the hygiene of me dick.

Why a goat? I find goats quite sinister. The option isn't, would you rather shag a goat or something else? No, I know, but if it was a sheep, I think sheep are a bit more docile. Like, goats can kick. They can what? Is it a willing goat?

You've rehypnoled it, so it's not going to do anything. Oh, well, I'm not raping it. Why? Oh, that's awful. I want a goat who's up for it, like... Like what? Do that noise again? Please? Oh, that's awful. I want a goat who's up for it, like... What? Do that noise again? Please?

I don't want to... I don't know how goat rape is. Is that your horny goat noise? Yeah. How do you do it? Go on, you do a horny goat. Order! Order!

I think you just did a backbench Tory MP. Oh, yeah, blah. Oh, yeah, Dan. I'm Jenny the goat. Fuck me in my goat pussy. Oh, is it a female goat? Yeah. Oh, oh.

Why did I assume that goats were boys? Hey, Dan. I'm Jenny the goat. Fuck me in my goat pussy with your tiny little pink human dick. You ain't going to touch the sides, motherfucker. I'm Jenny the goat. I've been taking goat dick for 45 years. And now I need something smaller. Why is your a black American goat?

God damn it, I love being a goat What's up What's happening No this goat Is white And from Rill Actually

North Wales Some North Walian goats Have a weird accent What's happening Motherfucker Damn I'm Jenny the goat

I'm Jenny the Motherfucker goat Hurry up Fuck me Dan I'm Jenny the goat I'm Jenny the motherfucking goat Hurry up and fuck me What would you rather do? Are you fucking the goats or are you just not fucking a goat? I just don't want to have to roll hip Not a goat I just don't know

I find that more sinister I don't know That's not an answer to would you rather I'll have a drunk goat I just find that more sinister. How can I don't know? That's not an answer to a would you rather. I'll have a drunk goat. I'll have a drunk goat. I'm not drugging a goat. I just think it's... I want a willing goat.

I want a goat that if you play Reach by S Club 7, the goat backs up. Goat's willing. So are you fucking the goat but no one knows or everyone thinks you've fucked a goat? I'm definitely shagging the goat, by the way. It's not even debatable. Can I shave the goat?

Yeah. You can do whatever you want to the goat before you fuck it, but you've still fucked a goat. Are we talking about Tom Brady? Are we talking about Michael Jordan? Are we talking about Michael Jordan? Was that your Michael Jordan? Are you thinking about Luis Suarez?

I've got more but we're not... I asked the question. I need closure. Answer the question. If have any closure answer the question if i'm allowed to shave around the goat right around the goat's vagina and we've all had a few oh i tell you what if it's at the end of the night and i've had a bit of coke yeah i'll be up for it i'll be like fuck it yeah yeah yeah just have a bump. Come here. Come on, Jenny. That's right.

Oh, Dan, you got coke dick. It's even smaller than I thought it was. Oh, mate. Just honestly, there is a point when I just go, I'm ready to party. Okay. Okay. If you want to record a podcast if you've heard about us having sex with a northweilian black voiced

horny goat and you think i'd like to do this as well maybe you should use like word studio do this as well. Maybe you should use Lightworks Studios. Reach for the stars. You're a silly person. Do you love podcasts? Have you always wanted to do your own but you don't know how? Well here at Lightworks Studios, if you've got an idea for a podcast,

then we want to record it and record it well. Whether you're doing your first podcast or you've been doing it for years, we think all podcasts should look and sound as good as possible. And with prices starting from £30 an hour, we are by far the best-priced professional podcast studio in London. We've got three HD cameras, six top of the range mics and a sound technician on hand to make sure that all you have to focus on is talking.

We can have the recording edited and sent to you the very same day. Find us at lightweightpodcast.com so we can help record your next podcast. Send in your questions and suggestions to haveawadpod at gmail.com. Let's crack on with this nonsense. So it's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan.

Send us some problems with your friends and your family and we'll solve them for you. Have a word. Very musical. Yes, it is. So this is our Patreon producer episode ladies and gentlemen for those who don't know

every Monday we shout out our Patreon producers if you don't know what Patreon is it's a way for you to financially support the production of this podcast

we've got a Patreon page you can go to patreon.com slash have a weird pod Patreon is spelled P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash have a weird pod you can sign up for £3 R E O N.com slash have a weird pod.

You can sign up for three, five or 10 pound a month. And that money goes towards support me and Dan through this awful fucking coronavirus time and helps us keep producing as much podcast content as we possibly can. And we've got quite a few of you signed up to that. Now we're so, so grateful for all the support we've got from both Patreon people and from

our sponsors without you guys, this shit just isn't appreciate you guys. Thank you. Everyone who signs up to the £10 tier of our Patreon program becomes an official producer of the podcast and every single Monday on the episodes, we read out the full list of £10 Patreon

producers at the end of the episode after the song that we play as a big thank you to say you're officially a member of our team. Now, if you sign up for £3 or £5, we appreciate you just as much as we do the £10 people. We just can't read everyone else. And what we've been saying is if you sign up during the shutdown for £3, you get a ticket to a free thank you live show

that we're going to put on at some point after the restrictions are lifted. If you sign up for £5, you get two tickets are lifted if you sign up for five you get two tickets and if you sign up for the ten you get two tickets we're coming to a point where we're going to have to change that because this live show is going to be unsustainable, we're already probably looking at two shows, so I think

by this time next week we're going to have to draw a line under the free ticket offer so if you want that free ticket for signing up to the Patreon, you need to do it this week because at some point on Monday next week, we are going to have to draw a line under that. Now, if you're thinking, well, why would I stay as a Patreon? I think what we're going to do is change how we're doing things and help. And basically it means that we're going to give extra content

for just the Patreon listeners. There's going to be benefits if you're on the Patreon beyond just the free ticket. But we have to draw a line on it because right now we've got a thank you gig for 650 people. We are ironing out the details

of what the Patreon program is going to be coming forward. And next Monday, we are going to announce what that is. This is our final week of sort of deliberating what we want to do with that. But from next Monday,

everyone who is a patron, you're going to get some fantastic benefits for supporting us through this time. We're so grateful to you. Now, as Dan said, we have got to put a cut off

on these free tickets on a Friday because otherwise it's going to cost us about 10 grand to put a fucking show on by the time we hire a massive venue.

So next Monday, as you'll all know, we record these episodes on the day that we go out. So just before next Monday's'll all know, we record these episodes on the day that we go out. So just before next Monday's episode, just before we record it, I'm going to go through the Patreon and add up exactly who's getting what tickets and as of next Monday,

that's the cut-off point for these free tickets for the thank you show, which is likely to be in Liverpool at the end of this shutdown. It's going to be a fucking amazing night. We can't wait to spend some time with you all and have a little drink with you afterwards and just meet the people who've been interacting with us so much. The cut-off point for that is

going to be next Monday's Patreon producer episode. So if you want to go and sign up to patreon.com have a word pod by next Monday morning slash early afternoon. Go and sign up. I will read your name out obviously but then you'll

be in the bag to get your free ticket that is when we're going to issue the free tickets and we'll probably contact all of our patrons next week to talk about how we go about getting those tickets out and if you're worried about the change coming don't worry we've got you, we're not going to make things worse we're going to make things better

there is certain decisions have to be made because certain things are unsustainable like it was amazing the offer and it's still going to be an amazing show but it can't be like a case that in the last week of july someone signs up for patreon at three quid gets a ticket for a show that's the next week there had to be a cutoff point but if you're worried about the change it's going to make the podcast better there is some juicy stuff coming your way. I promise. We're never, ever, ever... We've said it so much now that it sounds almost

redundant, but without you guys, we wouldn't have survived this lockdown at all, and we are never, ever, ever going to forget these people. You people that have helped us get to this point, and trust us, the benefits long-term to being a Patreon and a have-a-word, the stuff that you helped us get to this point and trust us, the benefits long term to being a Patreon and have a word, the stuff that you're going to be helping

fund and the stuff that you're going to be getting in return is going to be well, well worth the few quid a week you send our way. We're going to reach for the stars. Climb every mountain high and reach That's been solid now, hasn't it? We're going to grind up against you. Shall we have a quick word, lads?

Yes, mate. Someone. What, Guan? So, all right, lads. Please have a word with my absolute fucking dick of a wife. Jesus Christ. I love that other words can start aggressive, you know. We've started having a weekly Saturday date night

through the lockdown. We have a half-decent meal. We open the wine, and we each take turns in choosing a stand-up special to watch, which I think is a fucking beautiful idea, by the way. Nice. What a relation. This is stand-up fans, isn't it?

This is proper comedy fans. They watch a stand-up special every week. Anyway, it was my turn tonight, so I picked Bert Kreischer. If you don't know who Bert is, go and check him out. He's got a very famous routine called The Machine. Go and search that on YouTube if you haven't seen it already.

Bert Kreischer. I'd never seen him before, but I thought I'd give it a try. For some fucking reason, my wife wanted to watch the trailer first. She's never asked this before, but she instantly decided she doesn't like him because she thought he was sexist just by that 52

fucking second trailer she then refused to watch it and ruined my fucking evening by being in a mood and now she'll happily watch someone like Jimmy Carr who is equally if not more sexist why the fuck is she being an absolute fucking cockwomble?

Great word. Cheers, lads. And if there's any half-decent women who want to be my plus one at your thank you night, please let me know, as I'll be kicking her the fuck out when this lockdown ends. Cheers from Andy. Yeah, Andy, there's loads of women being lined up to get called a shit fucking all sorts of names.

Cockwomble. Fucking shit-cunt cockwomble. That's what going through the divorce with his ex-missus who says he's sexist but he's honest and he just i just know where i stand you know he thinks i'm a cockwomble and he's not afraid to say it um it's fucking not easy picking stand-up specials to watch with anyone i like watching stand-up specials on my own like burke crash is not sexist he's a big fat american dude who gigs with his top off he's a big sweaty mess he's the fattest man in the world that's just for some of the Tom Segura fans but and he's a racist but no I just don't know how it's amazing to me that this has been a thing they've done and this is the

first time they've hit trouble because I hate picking stand up specials with someone else like I don't want to watch it and you're like well fuck you it's like tricky can I tell you what I think's happened here I don't think she's asked about Bert Kreischer and she's certainly not asked about sexism if she's into watching Jimmy Carr, okay?

She understands, if she watches this much stand-up and she watches someone like Jimmy Carr, she understands that a joke is a joke. I'll tell you what happened. She was in a fucking mood because it's lockdown and she just wanted a reason

to fucking kick off. That's what it was, okay she just wanted a reason to fucking kick off. That's what it was, okay? She wanted a reason to be like, I don't give a shit what you fucking want. I'm not watching it. I'm doing my own thing. She just wanted a bit of an argument. That's what's happened.

And mate, Andy, tell you what, I live with someone just fucking like this woman, okay? It's exactly the fucking same, and I'm well on Andy's side. She doesn't give a shit about the content of his comedy. She just didn't want to have date night again because it's fucking Groundhog Day, innit?

That's all it was. She was in a mood. She's not arsed, and neither am I. Andy's missus, you're a twat fuck. Oh, Adam's back. He you're a twat fuck. Oh, Adam's back. He's had a weekend of rests. He's charged up his batteries. Jade does this.

Jade does this. What Jade does, I'll go, oh, have you seen this new thing? I really want to watch it. And if she's in a bad mood, she'll decide. Before she watches anything, I'll go, just watch the trailer. I'll go on then. I'll watch the trailer. It could be the best trailer for the best fucking program of

all time. Oh, it just looks shit. Do you know what Jade said? Do you know The Wire, right? Arguably the greatest thing ever made drama-wise. I got Jade to watch episode one of The Wire and she went, oh, it's just not like amazing, isn't it? I was like, you've watched episode one?

Yeah, but it looks all old, doesn't it? Yeah, because cameras were different 15 years ago. That doesn't mean the quality of the acting and the story isn't good. That's it. Had you already watched The Wire at this point when you tried to make a... I've watched series one.

See, I think that's even worse than trying to choose a stand-up special that neither of you watch. When you've watched something and you think it's amazing, and then you're like, oh, love, we should watch this. And then because you've seen it and you rate it, you're constantly watching the person next year to see if they like it.

It's so loaded, that situation. I don't know why anyone tries. Nate Bargatze, the Tennessee kid, I think it's great. I watched it several times. Tried to watch it with Laura. She wasn't laughing enough. And honestly, she hadn't even said she didn't like it i shut the whole thing down closed the laptop and walked off because she just she just wasn't fucking have you heard your your diatribe you're a whiny bitch i ain't watching when someone when you want them to like it you

end up not watching the thing and just watching them watch it. That's a fucking horrible situation. It's so rare to get a good night out of that. It's so rare that they're like, you know what? That is a masterpiece. Let's go to bed and have sex.

It's always like, I thought it was all right. Well, fuck you and fuck your dad. How dare you call me a whiny bitch after you've had your fucking pro. You're a cockwomble, mate. We're not watching it. We're not watching it if you're not laughing at us.

Oh my God, you're such a contradiction. You're such a fucking hypocrite. That literally ties into so much of the shit that you whinge against. And just because you're like, no, I'm going to take against this as well. Listen, read your fucking song out. I need to go and have my tea.

You cockwomble. It's going to be a long week, this one. I'm on your side. I'd tell your beard to fucking have a word with herself. Give her that wobble. The nasty bitch. And you know what, Andy? You can be my plus one to the fucking

thank you show me and you'll get to get it because Jade's not coming so today's band is called Columbia now they've been featured before they're fucking great they're a scouse band they're on the rise they've got a brand new single and they sent it to us and asked us would we play it because we played their last one

and they got a decent bit of interaction out of it go and check them out. This new song is on all streaming platforms. I've actually been listening to this on repeat for like two days now because it's sick. They sent it a couple of days ago. Their Instagram is at Columbia dot music. Their Twitter

is Columbia and then underscore and their song is called Nothing Left For Me. This is Columbia. We will see you tomorrow and wait till after the song and you'll get your Patreon list. Nice one guys. See you tomorrow. See ya! People say it makes all the room We can walk on by Or we can walk on through

It's not about where you're going, it's about what you do And now I'm out in the cold of the winter's ice And I've learned what I had till I lost it twice And I need my love, I need my love And now my head's messed up and I can't decide If I need your love or I need your love I need my love, I need my love But people say you gotta make some time And then everything changes in the blink of an eye

So I close my heart and I hope she's mine And now I'm out in the cold of the winter's eyes And I knew what I had till I lost it twice And I need my love, I need my love And now my head's messed up and I can't decide If I need your love or I need your love I need your love I need your love So you can pick me up You can take me up

Nothing left to worry in This dark, dark world we live in So you can pick me up You can pick me up, you can take me up Thank you. so as always is our patreon list guys thank you so much to everyone on this list and everyone who is also a five and three pound patreon we love you you. And that includes Wes Coakley, Colette Hind, Adam, with no surname,

Chris Townsend, Tony P, Tom Chadwick, Daniel Newman, Tom Rowe, Terry Burke, Steve Woolley, Steve Green,

Stephen Theobald, Stephen D Malone, Steve Bowress, Simon Martin, Josh Holt, Flusk, Scott Newton, Saz Green,

Sam Crow, Sammy Taylor, Sam McGuire, Russell Waring, Robin Kerr, Rob Upton, Rob Knowles, Rob Bell, Thank you. Nathan Sharracks, Kate Hamilton, Michael Woods, Donatello, Mike Quirk, Mike Sullivan, Mike Kivy, Martin Duxbury, Maxine A, Matthew Rees, Matt Flannery, Matt Delmaine, Mark Hughes,

Mark Cowan, Mark Hollenbach, Michael Christopher, Louise Grimes, Liam D, Benjamin Jake Smith, Lee Grant, Muttley,

Christian, I don't know your surname, mate, Kirstie Leonard, Kieran Gibson, Kieran Woodall, Kiefer Gallagher Gerard Keane, Kathleen Simon, Catherine Wells, Cade

Bidwell, Julie Smith, Johnny Edwards Joseph Moore, Joanne Parr Johnny Phillips, Lee Aitchison Johnny Armstrong, John Barracliff Texas, Jilly Bean, Jill Bushell, the Frog and Booker team, Jennifer Ridding, Jen Wilson Jordan Embleton, Jason Hopkins,

Janet Roskell, Jay Kyle, Jamie Moores, Jack Rush, Jack Roberts, Jack Scargill, Ian Pringle, Ian Chadwick, Rob Baker, Jess Yarwood, Glenn Turner, George Mush, Graham Cashel, Frank Hughes, James Fuchs, Fiona McDonough,

Emma Green, Emma Donnelly, Rachel Whiteley, Donna McCauley, Dominic Bristow, Dan Thomas, David Everson, Danny Gilligan, Daniel Pugh, Damian Rock, Dean Cochran, Kian O'Connell, Chris Watson, Chris Jones, Chris Chubbs, Scott Brickcliffe, Carmel Merrick, Barney Wood, Owen Badman, Mark Hammond, Anthony Wilkinson, Anthony Jollies, Anthony Doran, Andy Threlfall, Andy Mannix, and Amy Johnston, Alexis Bly, Ali Richardson, AJ Gregson, Adam Golightly, Aaron Ledbetter, and Alex Jones. In a bit, kids. We'll see you tomorrow.