Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #44 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 28, 2020

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What's happening, guys? It's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month, and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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So do us a favour, pause the pod here, go and do that now and then enjoy the episode nice one see you in a bit fucking did it in one take bro yeah man

now I'm getting the word nuts cha upset me nasty bitch catch me outside how about that

I'm big boned I'm heavy structured I'm hung low if I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. With video on YouTube, on social media, at Have A Word Pod, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game.

Have a word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together what's happening boy what's happening white people is it is it paul chowdhury that starts his gigs with that which is it something that is it only works if you're asian if you're an asian comedian on going, what's happening, white people? Mate, my brother-in-law is talking about going back to Sheffield. And I don't want to sound like a massive pussyhole, but what is the situation with me driving him? Like, he's just getting to the point where he's like, is there going to be another three weeks after this week? And I think there is. I would he's like, is there going to be another three weeks after this week? And I think there is.

I would hazard a guess that there is going to be another three-week extension, or do you think it's going to be calmed down? I think they're going to do what was floated in, it was on the front page of a few newspapers, where you get to select two houses that you can visit. Right. So they're floating this idea where two houses and up can visit. Right. So they're floating this idea where two houses and up to 10 people

so each house can have more than five people in. So you could go to your dad's and have lunch or whatever. Am I going to be one of your houses? Are we getting the band back together? When are we getting the podcast back? When it's not over a laptop. So go on, you're allowed one house.

You're allowed up to two houses where you can go. So like, I think it's so the couples can go and see each of their parents assuming they're alive. I think that's what they're doing. So like, yeah, I think that's going to be the next stage. And I think that's going to be what they announced. They're going to go, look,

we know everyone's getting a bit touchy. You miss your families, blah, blah, blah. So you now have to nominate. And apparently there's going to be a form on the gov.uk website where you have to go in and go, I'm going to this house. And then if you're seen to like, basically they're not

going to, cause they haven't got the manpower but so that they could be seen to policing it so if I if I put Jade's mums and my dads and then I come to yours they can go fuck off mate you know what I mean we told you two houses right I think that's what's going to happen at the end of this

you know there'll be some people listening to this and I am as well because I've got neighbours who have already been using this rule since the fucking start of the shutdown they've been like yeah we're isolating apart from when our kids come around with the grandkids and where so-and-so's boyfriend comes around and our friends come around a couple of times you're like are you fucking taking the piss which they are aren't they so some people are doing it properly some people are already doing a version of this but i suppose that's a step towards the so what's the chat with me taking sam home in the car what because i am a bit of a fucking wuss i do i don't like the popo i brick it even if they're near me

on the road i think it's an essential journey you're fine like it's better than him getting a train isn't it exactly this is my reasoning like if he goes and gets a train he's coming into contact with other people if you drive him it's just you and him in the car i'm driving him from an isolated house to another isolated house and i'm not even getting out yeah don't get out the car don't't help him with his bags. Fuck him. Fuck him. He stayed in your house. Fuck him. He can pack his own bags. He can get

them in and out the car himself. Get the fuck out. I'm going back over Snake Pass with a podcast on. Fuck off. I'm literally not even going to stop because the roaner can't jog. So I'll just come round a corner, open a door and you can fucking roll out.

Yeah, fine. I'm glad you told me that because I am such a wuss. I was like, oh Jesus, am I allowed? Like, and I... There you are. Go. And if the police stop you, just put me on loudspeaker and I'll speak to them for you. Yeah, I'll put my scouse aggressive mate on.

I'll be like, mate, could you have a word with this policeman? Listen, you shit fucking clat. Fuck you and fuck your mum. All right, I'll pay the fine, Adam. See you later. Don't worry about that. Have you ever had any trouble with 5.0? Yeah, I have.

All right, now our time. What was I even asking? I have. All right. And now it's time. What was I even asking that? A few years ago, I was mugged in the toilets of Pop World in Liverpool.

Right? Oh, God. Isn't that where you lost your virginity as well? No, that was different. Shit night club off the road. It's the same woman. That was heebie-jeebies. I took your virginity. Now I'm taking your wallet.

All right. Go on, sir. So someone took my phone. Like, I my phone, and I was hammered. I was hammered, but I remember the guy saying, give us your phone and the toilet. And it was right towards the end of the night. And then he took my money and my phone and my card, so I had no way to get home.

So I just started walking home right? I got like a third of the way home maybe a quarter and a police car pulls up because I'm staggering down the road and they were like you alright mate? and I was like I'd really appreciate it if you could take me home

I got mugged, someone took my phone blah blah blah and he was like right we need to take another report and I was like I can't really be arsed with all this mate I just want to get home I just want to live can you stop at the Maccadies I don't want to do a fucking report six chicken nuggets

you're going to have to get this by the way fucking PC plod because I have lost my bank card mate so they took me home and took a statement off me while I was hammered and then they did like an investigation into it

and then two police officers one who was like not just a normal Bobby he was a senior officer they turned up at my dad's house and they were like so here's the thing. We've looked at the CCTV footage from Pop World, and there's only a couple of people

who were in the toilets at the same time as you. And I went, right, but I went to the toilet a few times, so how do you know you've got the right one? Well, we're just judging off our instinct that we think this is the time you're talking about. Now, basically, what we found is you can't possibly, you can't possibly have been mugged. It's just not possible.

The way the people would act them when they come out. He said, now, what we can do is we can give you this 75 pounds or whatever it was, fine, for wasting police time and forget about it. You'll get no criminal record, nothing. Or we can investigate it further. And if you're right, then maybe, you know, we'll prosecute someone. You're not going to get your phone back. But if you're wrong, then you will get a criminal record.

The fine will go up and you might be looking at a suspended sentence for prison time, for wasting the police time. So do you want to take the fine or do you want us to look into it further? And my dad was sat there and my dad in front of the police officer went, they're being cunts, lad. Just take the fine. So I just paid the fine. They just, there's no, they're literally going to get back to the office and the only thing

they're going to do on that file is take a sharpie out and write on a date next week when they're going back around to your house to tell you that they have found out that you were lying they'll never they won't open it they won't look at, because they've just decided that you're a cunt. And that's because they deal with cunts so much of the time when they deal with a normal person. I'm not saying they're going up to nuns and being like, are you being a bitch, sister? I get it. They're dealing with some drunk guy, but you've done nothing wrong,

and they're hardened to it, aren't they? So I tell you what, I'm going to take my day out on this kid. Yeah. So I just paid the fine because I didn't want to risk getting a criminal record because I'd already started stand-up at this point and if you get a criminal record you basically can never, ever, ever go to America. Like if you've got a British criminal

record, they just won't let you in. So I was like, I don't want to risk them just being even further cunts and doing it so I just took the easy good five. Netflix. Netflix have been in touch. Adam, we love what you do. We want to record your special.

We're going to stick it on Netflix. We don't want to record it in Liverpool. I know that's what you think. We think New York. We think L.A. What about Chicago? I don't know. It's going to be one of these cities.

We're going to get you over here. Do some Walmart. This is going to be the start. Are you ready to go? I've got a fucking criminal record because i was in pop world right and then i think i got mugged oh fuck i can't remember but i lost my wallet and my virginity two separate stories if i'm honest look police 5-0 would be yeah it's just a nightmare i love it when you try and make a joke with the police and then you wish your fucking hand i was in london a

couple of years ago and we were living in a bungalow at the time i was living in my nana's old we were doing up my nana's old bungalow uh and basically helping look after it and then she died we sold the bungalow and then we bought this house that we were there for about a year it just dragged a little bit st Anne's near Blackpool is a proper nana town and because of that it's very sleepy and you don't expect anything so I was away gigging in London and our security wasn't up to it we had a rickety old fucking nana gate and there was like old 70s slide doors at the back but security wasn't amazing but you didn't need it to be and then i got a phone call at 6 30 in the morning one sunday morning while i'm in a hotel in london

and it's laura absolutely fucking beside herself she's like you know when you're trying to have it you're having a conversation with your missus and it's basically, it's all, you can just hear noise like, there's a guy, there's a guy. And I'm like, right, well, the baby's dead. Who's dead?

Someone's definitely dead. Someone's been murdered. It's not Laura. She might be murdering someone. She might be being murdered during this call. I have this with Jade about three times a week, you know.

Right. Like, she'll be looking at her phone and she'll go, oh no, oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, no. No.

And I go, Jade, are you okay? She goes, Asda's not 24 hours anymore. You're like, are you fucking kidding? I thought your mum was dead, you daft cunt. I mean, it'd be another level if she was going, Why? Oh, God, why?

Why? What's wrong, Jade? They're on a restricted menu at Domino's! Ah, why? So, she calms down after about ten minutes, and it turns out some lad, we think he was about 18, turns out he was 17, but he was about 18. Turns out he was 17.

But he was like 18, 19. Laura was like, he's about 25. I think he had a knife. He's basically a fucked up 17-year-old. This is what we thought happened. He's been getting fucking munted at his mates. Not just booze. I don't know what this kid was doing, but he was flying.

I think he's wandered off maybe had an argument with his bird i don't know he's wandered off out of the house and he's got lost so it's it's so late it's like 10 to 6 or whatever and it's all dark it's getting lighter but it's dark and he's just wandered it long enough and got fucking lost that he's seen lights and he's gone all right there's the party i'm gonna go back so he bangs on the front door that wakes laura up so she's already that's that she's now at like defcon 4 so she doesn't go to the door she's forgotten that she's got the baseball bat she goes into into the living room. She tries to peek out the window. At this exact point, some fucking pilled-up zombie teenager

sticks his head at the window and goes, No! No! Like St. Anne's-on-Sea, Shaun of the Dead. She shits it, starts crying, starts shouting, Go away, I've got a baby. Go away, I've got a baby. He goes round the back. Laura realises he's going round the back. starts crying goes start shouting go away i've got a baby i'll go away i've got a baby he goes round the back laura realizes he'd go around the back etta's asleep she's knows none of this she's tiny and then he starts trying to kick the back door in because he thinks some woman at the party

is being a bitch and not letting him in the party and it's actually a very frightened mother of a baby who is losing her mind so they are having this to do anyway he wanders it to the back of the garden we think he takes a piss and then he wanders off rings the police they come and we're like right well he's obviously potential rapist like laura's like he was trying to murder me i know i say i know probably rapist i don't know i don't how long should he do 10 years i think he should probably do five years the police have found him in another street he'd wandered off so they go they go and pick him up he's just some 17 year old off his tits and they come around the next day to take a statement and and they're not taking it nearly as seriously as laura laura's like it was basically you know when you see your

life flash between before your eyes and they were like yeah he's about he's about five foot three and and and then i have to step in and i try and do that thing of like oh i was like listen you know i don't want him to get in trouble i'm trying to do this like cool dad thing i i don't want him to get in trouble i've got trying to do this, like, cool dad thing. I don't want him to get in trouble. I've got two fucking police officers and my upset wife. I'm like, I don't want the lad to get in trouble, but we need him to know that that is not on. And I tell you what, I was no angel

myself, you know, and he's obviously not just alcohol. He's on some good drugs there. I don't know what drugs he's on, but I'd like to know where he got them. I paused. I paused for laughter. And I tell you what, I didn't get a fucking any. The awkward look that the police gave me, like,

do you think we're going to do drugs jokes? I was like, yeah, probably not. And Laura looked at me like, why? Why have I married you? Yeah, we got a letter of apology. And he wasn't a rapist. He was just dyslexic. I married you. Yeah, we got a letter of apology and he wasn't a rapist, he was just dyslexic. I am very sorry.

I'm very sorry for trying to get in your back... I don't even know if he was on drugs, if he was just fucking off his meds. Jesus Christ. I am wired, you know. I am, as you know, I was up all night, motherfucker.

When did you get to sleep? I was half seven. I bought a coffee machine on Black Friday, which was November 29th, last year. Yeah. And it just sat in the kitchen because I have this thing where if I don't open something and set something up straight away,

I get a weird form of anxiety about setting it up. The longer I leave it, the less likely I am to go and set it up. I can't really explain it. It sounds ridiculous because it is. But yesterday, because I'm on this like new sort of

Zoomy wanna sort me life out shit, I was like, I'm gonna clean the kitchen. I am cleaning the kitchen today. So I took all the appliances off the kitchen so I could wipe it all down.

I thought, well, if I've done that, I might as well set my machine up. It was the fucking easiest setup in the world. It took me five minutes to literally turn it on.

Does it have to be attached to, like, the mains or anything? Or does it have to just be filled up with water? It's just got a water tank in the back. Oh, my God. Yeah. What time did you get that done? What time did you get that done, Adam? About half nine last night. What time did you have your double espresso?

About half nine last night. Oh, Gigi. The thing is, normally, having a coffee that late would keep me up till two, maybe three,

because I normally have quite a bit of coffee, so I'm used to it. Yeah. I haven't had a coffee since the last time we did a podcast in your house. Jesus Christ. Because I used to stop at the Starbucks on the way. Five weeks ago. To get a

coffee. So it's like for three, four, five weeks, whatever, my caffeine tolerance has come right down. So at half nine last night I had a very strong Colombian coffee. And then I was just like, right, well I feel great. So I finished the kitchen. I come up to bed.

I was like, Jade, let's watch some TV. Should we watch some tellyy i'm up for watching some telly let's watch some telly jade's like obviously well yeah whatever you want to watch a couple of episodes of the good life some press-ups and jade was like right i'm going to sleep and i was like you're going to sleep really she was like yeah it's half three in the morning and i was like oh i'm gonna go down for a bit so i went down and as you know I drew some sketch designs for that you've got caffeine in your system you're like I'm going to do some drawing

mate I woke up to an email with some sketches I was like what is going on and then you messaged me and said like hi Dan I didn't want to wake you I was like oh my god Adam is absolutely fucking flying and then yeah so i did my sketches then i thought oh i didn't send dan today's video from the pod so i'll go and get my laptop from upstairs and i'll do that then i started playing around with the logo design trying to change the colors trying to

get that yellow in for you and i was like i'm just doing some stuff and then i seen you tweet and i was like oh dan's up i'll text dan and I was talking to you for a bit and then I was like right I got a moment where I was like I feel a little bit sleepy there like I'm awake but sleepy so it was about 10 to 7 and I went and brushed my teeth and got in bed but it took me about half an hour, 40 minutes to drop off but I forced myself

to get up at 1 so I'd had like 5 5 and a half hours sleep and then I had another coffee I've had two coffees. This is my second one. And I just feel it. Because I woke up and I was a bit... I was like, right, I'll have a coffee.

It woke me up. And I was like, right, I don't want to have a nap today. Because if I stay awake, then I should be able to fix my body clock today. So I had another coffee. And now I'm firing on all cylinders, mate. What people don't know is Adam is doing this stood up for the first time, so he's actually decided to...

He's doing a new treadmill. I've had some difficulty sleeping after Colombian imports, but it's very rarely coffee, I'll be honest. Right. Let's, after all that excitement, have a little word from our sponsor and then crack on with my curations. Now then, lads, I want to tell you about Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car bodywork and customization services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire. Basically, these guys can sort your wheels out.

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I'm getting my saving. These guys are amazing. Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Get them on Facebook, Insta, online, the lot. Nice one, lads. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling triggered. It must be Have A Word with Adam and Dave. Got a couple of things. Got a couple of things.

Now, this has been sent in. It's not from a listener's life, but a listener has seen it and sent it in. And it's just one of those ones we like oh god damn it's so juicy so this was uh all over gay twitter apparently and i again i'm strongly interested in gay twitter not because i'm later not because i'm bi-curious because i just feel like gay twitter is going to be more interesting than my twitter which is nfl and occasional fucking podcast banter there's a black twitter as well you know oh black twitter i i found out that from my black friends and they were like yeah there's black twitter and i was like why don't i see any on like why don't i see

anything i can't talk i've got too much caffeine in me fucking buzzing um why don't i see any on like why don't i see anything i can't talk i've got too much caffeine in me fucking buzzing um why don't i see any of black twitter and they were like look trust us you haven't done anything bad or racist because if you'd had it'd have been on black twitter right okay so it's a good thing that you've not seen black twitter are you allowed are you allowed to be in black Twitter? Can you just follow it? Or are they going to be like, yo. What? If you try and get on black Twitter,

they're going to be like, yo. Not welcome. Yo, not welcome. Yo, not welcome around here, boy. Take your tweets, take your cracker ass and get the fuck back to pikey twitter but i i love it when white people pretend that they've been racially abused when someone calls them a cracker that's one of my that's one of my absolute favoritesites. When El Hadj Diouf called one of the ball boys at Everton a cracker and Everton reported him to the FA for racial abuse and the FA went,

yeah, no, I think it's all right. I think it's all right. I know he used to play for Liverpool and I know you don't like him, but I don't think white ball boys in Liverpool are throwing a ball back and then just standing there and seeing his go, I'm fucking out. I'm racially abused.

And a football match of all places. As a young white man, I do not come to football to be racially abused. El Hadji was such a dickhead, wasn't he? Give me the ball, cracker! I hate him. Yeah, why do you hate him so much?

Because you were the ball boy. He's just a knobhead. He's just a knobhead. Like, he's been such a cunt about Liverpool ever since he left as well and, like, slagged the club off. He was just a shit player who thought he was good and

he got signed on the back of a semi-decent World Cup. Yeah, one of them fucking players, innit? Oh, you've done well at a championships. Let's get you in. Yeah. Yeah. He's just a fucking

Jägen. He's all over gay Twitter at the moment as Al Hadjtjof. He's not. I'm not even sure he's just a fucking yegan. Well, he's all over gay Twitter at the moment, as Al Hadjtjof. He's not. I'm not even sure he's allowed in black Twitter. Anyway, he's definitely not allowed on cracker Twitter, which is my Twitter. So this came up.

Someone posted this. I'm deeply in love with my wife, but for several years now, I felt the need to see other women. This is a bloke by the way i'd never cheat and so i've been i've been bringing up the idea of an open marriage with her at first she flat i refused but i've persisted and she gradually came around i'd never cheat unless she told me it was okay i would never cheat as long as I suggested an open marriage

and she said yes. Otherwise, I'd have no option to cheat. She's persisted and gradually came around the idea, understanding that we try it for three months. So she's basically badgered her into an open relationship. We set the ground rules on how many and which nights per week we can be out so one of us is home with our kids and we have to be transparent and upfront

about what we're doing and who with. Just a first name, general description, how we met them, how far we're going with them. I'm going out with tall blonde Tina from Greggs. A general description. First name. I need first name, general description, and how far you're going with them.

Linda. Massive. Not that far. Margaret. Colossal before we get into the the trouble what's your thoughts on the old open

marriage open relationship scene I respect the people who can watch their partners get fucking drilled and not be arsed about it yeah yeah why do you respect them though

if only I could get there one day because look like we'd all like to be able to fuck whoever we like, but you don't want the person you're with to be fucked by whoever they like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? So I respect people who can go, do you know what? She's got needs, and there's things I can't give her, so she needs to go with Tyrone. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's very I'm willing to let her do that because I blah blah blah. There's definitely There's definitely things that other men could give Jade that I've got fucking no chance of giving her. So it would be nice of me to go... What's that?

The seventh inch. And the sixth and the fifth. I'm really glad that you got in there, because then it's... Well, like, I'm never going to be, like, ripped with, like like a great upper body strength and be able to like pick it up and throw around the room there's men out there that could give her that and i wouldn't it would be nice of me to go i can't deny you that go and find yourself a nice rugby player

and have a great sunday afternoon it would be nice of me to do that but i can't do it i can't do it so i respect people who can be yeah it's very being a being a bloke in this you know talking like that it's very childlike isn't it it's like a very small child who you basically you want to have sex with everyone but you don't want anyone to have sex with your partner it's the most like it's basically like i've got all these toys and i want to keep them and don't play with them but i want to play with all those toys as well just such a childish way of how brutal would it be if you did it with like enacted with jason like three months she was like right and they just need first name just a general description and and how far you're going with them and if it was like just need first name, just a general description, and how far you're going with them.

And if it was like, just need first name, and she was like, right, well, I've seen this guy. He's called El Hadj. He's a retired footballer. How far have I gone with him? You'd be gutted if it was someone famous. I don't think it's controversial to say if Jade ever fucked El Hadji's youth, I'm out.

I honestly don't think you want... If your missus is going to get... Again, this comes back to the comedian thing, isn't it? Where that would be terrible if Jade banged El Hadj Diouf. But as a comedian, you'd be like, that's going to make a fucking belting story, innit? When he's like, listen, I'm taking Jade, you fucking cracker. And you're like, I fucking racism.

Again. Do you know like some couples have like a list, don't they? Like a celebrity list. The whole pass. Yeah, where you can be like, right, if I meet Liz Haley, then you can't complain about it.

Let's try and do a reverse one of them. So I want five people that Laura could fuck that you would let slide. Right. Jeff Bezos. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amazon. Yeah. I just want a pretty woman. And you can get Amazon Prime for everything. I just want a part on Prime. You're from a shack? He turns up the next day.

Amazing. I play Jeff, you know, to get it. And then, like, is it, what is it, indecent proposal? A million dollars to sleep with your wife. I'd literally, honestly, five grand in Amazon vouchers. You're all right. to sleep with your wife, I'd literally, honestly, five grand in Amazon vouchers. You alright? No one who I think is, got no

athletes, El Hadj, no way. No athletes, because there's just, I can't do it. I wouldn't be able to, I wouldn't be able, even if I was sat down with it, the next time I'd be sewing my own head and I'm just fucking shuffling in there

and having breathing difficulties within the second minute, like, I'm sorry. What was El Hadj like? No, I couldn't know athletes. I just... Jeff Bezos... I want her to go and live her fantasies out

with five times so that she goes, you know what, it's fine but still got my Adam and love's more important. Yeah, she's not coming back, mate. She's not coming back. If you listen, so I'm basically

trying to get something out of it. Jeff Bezos, I can't think of anyone past Jeff Bezos. I'm trying to make sure my woman is satisfied. You're trying to give her five of the best nights of her life. I don't think on night six she's like, right, off I go to West Derby. So I'm going Brock Lesnar.

Fuck off. She's coming back in a mobility scooter. Terry Crews. I thought you were going to say Terry Wake. Sorry, go on. Terry who? Terry Wogan. Oh, the older people will get it.

Go on. So, Terry Crews. Who's Terry Crews? Terry Crews. He's, um... Is he your gay alter ego? No, he's in 2199. The big black guy. He's in White Chicks.

Making my way downtown. Walking fast, faces past them homebound. Him. Yep. Um... Walking fast faces past them homebound Him Yep Idris I know he's too old Brock Lesnar Dech from Ant and Dech Yeah, yeah

Athlete Is he the one with the big head? Oh no, he's the small one He's the little one Yeah, he's the little one He's the boring one He's in there I'd love to get fucked up with Ant Just so he remembers what she's missing Yeah one yeah he's the little one he's the boring he's in there i'd love

to get fucked up with that what she's missing yeah yeah yeah yeah i i reckon and you know everyone's like he's an alcoholic i bet he'd be fucking great on a smash up just getting him on the fucking beat getting ant smashed and just telling his fucking biker grove stories just getting smashed in his mansion and be like mate if you got a trampoline and then you could reenact the start of Biker Grove, fucking hammered on a trampoline full of cocaine with Ant from Ant and Dec, but not Dec because he's fucking bored. Biker

Grove! Biker, shut up! Shut up! Do you not... Mate, I know you don't know who Terry Waite was, but if you don't know what Biker Grove is... No. No. You're lying.

You're lying. What? What is it? Is it like an old programme from back in your times? I hate you. I really hate you. I really hate you. I have heard of it, but I've never seen it.

So, we've got Declan Donnelly, Brock Lesnar, Terry Crews. Yeah. Is Dex still on the list? Yeah. Just before they have sex he should play

let's get ready to rumble do you remember that? that was a song that Ant and Dech did PJ and Duncan, never mind I'm old I get it have you seen that clip of the two impressionists of Ant and Dech with Will Mellor you know Gads from Two Pints of Lager

and the Pack of Crisps, Will Mellor yeah it's like a sketch of Will being in with Will Mellor from, you know, Gaz from Two Pints of Lager and the Pack of Cures, Will Mellor. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a sketch of Will being in the Amor Celebrity Jungle. Right. And,

it's two people playing Ant and Death and they go, right, Gaz, so in a meal for everyone in the camp, all you've got to do

is put Ant's balls in your mouth I'll send you the clip in a bit it's so funny I'll tweet it as well so that the listeners can watch it it's fucking ridiculous I honestly this list in my head I don't know how you've got to where you're at but my insecurities I don't want

any specimens I just want equally fucked near 40-year-olds who are just... Right, I want three absolute monsters who can just give her the night of her life, and two people so that she's like, Adam's better

than them. So that she knows I'm a good middle ground. She's obviously better out there, not the best lover in the world but she could be stuck with fucking Declan Donnelly or who's another one who's a celebrity who's deaf oh shit in bed Chesney from Corrie

right good so Chesney from Corrie poor old Jilly Bean in Texas going, what the fuck? So, Jilly Bean, Coronation Streets is a documentary and there's a guy in it called Chesney Hawks and he

is a dweeb. So, Chesney, Dec Donnelly, Brock Lesnar, Terry Crews and Jason Momoa, the big fuck-off guy. Jesus Christ, I'm worried about you. If she got life insurance... Now, how would you feel if she wanted to wander over the other side of the pitch?

You know? Having an away day. Lesbian, nah. Sex. Nah, I don't think Jade would be into that no say she just you know

she just went through a phase would you give her would you would you would you be cool with it yeah I don't think

it'd bother me no weird that innit I think there's some gay girls listening going yeah you underestimate

the power yeah it wouldn't bother me as long as I can watch I love it when Gay girls listening going, yeah, you underestimate the power. Yeah, it wouldn't bother me as long as I can watch. I love it when Laura was like, if you could just have anyone, I'll let you have sex with any celebrity, who would it be? And I said Helen Mirren. And she was like, what, when she was young? And I was like, no, now.

And I was sort of just doing it to make her laugh because Helen Mirren's 76. But because I didn't laugh with it, I was like, no, I really mean it. She's like, you don't mean it. I was like, I do. I really think she's phenomenal. She's like a grandmother. I'm like, yeah. I defo fuck Helen Mirren now, and I'm not even messing.

Yeah. It's the closest you're going to get to banging the Queen. I've got some Millennium Lube. Even if she's all dried up, I can fucking sort that bit out. It actually got delivered today as well. Jesus Christ. What? I'm not even a royalist, but...

She played the Queen. Anyway. Off the rails. I'll play the fucking king give her the fucking four and a half leg smash that cracker so basically three months it's been agreed

well long story short for her it's been a big success. It shouldn't surprise me. I forgot this came from a story. Focus, you've had five coffees, have a sixth, get back in the game. Long story short for her, it's been a big success. It shouldn't surprise me, she's gorgeous. She's gorgeous, she's not past tense gorgeous. She's gorgeous and for the last year, has been working really hard on her body.

Anyway, she's out virtually every night on her allowed schedule. He's seen several different men of different ages and seems vibrant and alive in a way I haven't seen her in for years. For me, I love this line, for me, it has not worked out at all. So he suggested it thinking i'm gonna be knee deep in the pussy this is brutal and he's just on tinder getting fucking swiped left constantly and his wife's gone my husband's let me get fucked by anyone and loads of men have gone, all right, yeah, fucking great. Is it really unfair that as soon as I read that line, instantly, this guy became Freddie Quid in my head?

I shouldn't be surprised. He seems more vibrant and alive in a way I haven't seen in three years. For me, it has not worked out at all. I want to have a girlfriend. What I'd imagine were potential hookups turned out to be more in my mind than reality. I've been trying to meet someone online, but I haven't found anything that excites me. Meanwhile, she's out until the early morning

several nights a week, or often not coming home until noon. Follow the Duke. And quite honestly, it's making me very jealous. No shit. I've told her... I've told her that he's jealous, and she's pointing out that it was my idea

and that we had agreed to three months. Fuck you, motherfucker. How do you like me now? Oh, there's two fingers up and the faint smell of jeez. Can I just say, she is never coming back this three months mate it's gonna get fucking extended now at the end of this three months she's gonna be like right you got two options either i'm just becoming single because i'm getting so much good dick elsewhere or you can just get on board with the fact that this is now permanent.

So, after one month of this, this is where it gets beautiful. After one month of this, it all went on hold due to the ongoing global situation. Although, in brackets, she's texting and exchanging pictures with her partners. Oh, the fact he even has to write her partners. She maintains...

This is where I love it. This is how you know she's fucking gone and it's just a matter of time. She maintains... Can I predict this? She's saying that it's paused and that these months don't count because she can't get the dick

so she's still got two months to go once we're out of lockdown. Yeah. Oh, dirty bitch, you upset me. She maintains that our agreement should include two months after the lockdown

so we can start all going out again. But I think, I think, I think it should expire after three months period. But regardless, she's clearly going to want to keep doing this

and i'm torn between how much i'm hating it and how much happiness it's bringing it oh i'm so glad it's not one of our listeners so we can just rip what a fucking joey can i just say youhead. This is such a male thing. It's so male to be in a relationship and be like, do you know what? I'm fucking sick of her. If it wasn't for her, I'd be smashing everything I fancied. Every woman who I've reached for the same tin of beans as in the supermarket,

that could have turned into, all right, love, do you want to come back to mine? Fuck. And they'd have been round here in seconds. She's the problem. If it wasn't for her, I'd be drowning in vag. Do you know what I want, love? I want three fucking months of a free pass and you can have it as well

because who the fuck would want you nagging them about the toilet seat being up and not putting the fucking bins out? No one will put up with you, you dirty old cunt. And then a week later when he hasn't had a single match on Plenty of Fish and she's just constantly in the bathroom taking titty selfies.

Oh! It's perfect! She's like, I don't really want to initially and now she's like, I'm going to go dick fuck till I fucking can't take any fucking more. That is the only time that has been a proper relevant button

so I'm three months on my own I want to fuck whoever I want you know what I'm going to get totally fucking dick fuck don't do it guys don't do it just keep her home. Lock her up until she hates you.

I think, I was working on a stand-up routine about this. See this decision he made, right? To let her do that. He should have had to have a wank before he made that decision. I reckon every decision a man makes would be slightly different straight after he's that decision. I reckon every decision a man makes would be slightly different

straight after he's masturbated. Yeah. If you're going to make a big life decision, before you sign up to a mortgage, before you do anything, before you want to have an argument with your wife, have a wank. I guarantee you'll feel better and feel different.

That's my advice to every man who listens to this. Have you seen this's something about mary no yeah i have years ago yeah yeah because it's the that's there's a bit similar at the end of that no man should make any decision with a bag of balls full of cum yeah and he he's made it's like are you going on a first date he's like what does he say if you choke the chicken and ben still is like what it's like you're telling me you were about to go on a first date without cracking one out it's like well i have to crack one out with the cum on his ear and she thinks it's hair wax yeah because it's the whole psychology

psychology of like it's it's like if you are about to do the weekly big shop, it's a really good idea to just have a bowl of cornflakes or have a meal. Do it after a meal. Don't get hungry as fuck and take a credit card out with a massive trolley because you'll come back with all the shit. I bought three legs of lamb yesterday. Oh, my God. Why don't you just...

I was going to say something stupid, then. What were you going to say? I was like, why don't you just buy a lamb? In my head, that worked. In my head, that worked. Oi, go on, then. If you're going to buy three legs, you might as well get the fourth and the whole fucking lamp

what what we having for roast oh god that reminded me of goat i don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind right i don't see nothing wrong with Vauxhall Comedy Club. Touché, touché. Doing these adverts makes me want to go to Vauxhall Comedy Club so much. When the shutdown is over, when we're free, when venues are open again, if you like comedy and you're in London, or if you're visiting the Big Smoke, go and watch some live stand-up at the Vauxhall Comedy Club.

It's just over the water, near the West End, really central. On a Friday and Saturday night, they have an amazing offer where they do as much booze as you can get, a bottomless booze comedy night. Amazing comedians from the TV, from the circuit. It's 90 minutes, free wine, cider, beer, and it's just £25. There's also a spirit and mixer bottomless ticket, and there's also an entry ticket that's just £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club is open Monday to Saturday

And it's right next to the amazing Vauxhall Street Food Garden So obviously right now you can't go But as soon as you can, get down there, enjoy yourself Adam's played it, I'm looking forward to playing it And in the meantime, hit them up on socials At Vauxhall Comedy Club on Instagram At Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter And Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook The show is 18 and over so if you look young and fresh take your id and if you

look like me fucking granddad dave you'll get right in see you there voxel comedy club nice one two mics two leads and a lot of time on their hands this is have a word it's time for have a word it's time for have a word it's time for have a word with a demon um i think the shutdown is having an effect on a lot of people but i think it might be sending me mental because I'm starting to quite enjoy your singing and it's not getting better I'm just like an abuse victim that's been ground down I've basically got Stockholm Syndrome

of your shit singing, I'm like I deserve it I probably deserve it it's my fault Oh Jesus we are running a little low It's my fault. Oh, Jesus. We are running a little low on have a word submissions. So if you are a regular listener and you want to send in, we've got about five or six at the minute.

And a couple of them are similar to ones we've done before. So I don't really want to do them yet. I mean, the amount of podcasts we're knocking out, it'd be weird to do a podcast without a the amount of podcasts we're knocking out there might if it it'd be weird to do a podcast without i have a word at the end so if you can give us some i mean it's not we can still do a podcast without them but i don't really want to remarkable that we've actually managed to do this 44 podcast with a have a word at the end of everyone and some of them got like two or three as well. Okay.

I'm going to give you the choice because I've got two here, but we've only really got time to do one. Okay. Yeah. So do you want whiny neighbors or Down Syndrome Baby? Down Syndrome Baby. Okay. Okay.

Okey-dokey, pick it up, okay! I say, I've learned your catchphrase. Okay. Okie dokie, pick it up, okie! I say, I've learnt your catchphrase. Alright lads, I want you to have a word with my missus for me. She's about seven months pregnant with our son and we found out about halfway through the pregnancy that he has got Down Syndrome.

I take the piss and make light of things by joking about it. She seems to think that because babies can hear in the womb, that I shouldn't do it. Even though she laughed when I called him Down Syndrome Man. My point is that you can joke about... My point is that you can joke about anything and it's the best way to not get worked up.

Also, what absolute cockwomble thinks that a baby can understand what you're saying even if they do hear it's the best way to not get worked up. Also, what absolute cockwomble thinks that a baby can understand what you're saying even if they do hear it inside the womb? Nice one, fellas. Your pod has given me many a laugh in this lockdown. Over to you, Dan. Jesus Christ. I mean,

I love it how mum-to-be has gone, this is why that's wrong. I love it how mum to be has gone this is why that's wrong making jokes about your soon to be born child who has down syndrome I don't think the problem with it

just from the outside looking in is yeah they can hear and it's offensive to them I think it'd be more offensive to someone else overhearing it i don't think unborn child's like even if the baby can't hear you the baby has got no concept of down syndrome yeah and they're gone are you talking about me because plus they can't hear a fucking thing. They can hear... Mate, I've got a three-year-old.

You can say all sorts of shit over her head and she's like, what? And you're like, oh yeah. She's not listening properly at three. Never mind fucking two. If you'd found out Etta was going to be Down Syndrome, would you have joked about it? Do you think Laura would have talked that well?

Oh, God. do you think Laura would have talked that well oh god it's a very hard one because this is something quite close to our family erm it's a difficult one it's a difficult one because when you see

when you see it in real life do you know what actually if it was my child if if it was my kid i think and you are a good if you're a good parent to any child i think you can make jokes about parenthood when people are like you shouldn't know i hated that before i was a, where if you did a joke or you saw a comedian do a joke on stage, and then some bitchy, whingy no sense of humour parent would be like, I think it's disgusting, you're not a parent aren't you? No, I can tell, as a parent

and you wouldn't know, because you're clearly not a parent, but if you were a parent you wouldn't make those jokes, and now I'm a parent, I'm like oh no, I will make those jokes they're fine, jokes are fine, so fuck you but i can say that with authority because i'm a parent as well i think when i can't because i've got a dog when it comes yeah it's exactly same thing when it comes to someone else's child that has

down syndrome you've got four legs you've only got two go ahead i think you've got to be very very very careful but yeah i'd say that to normalise anything in your life, you've got to make jokes about illness, about disability. That's the thing, but normalise it. So I was born with a gammy eye, as you're well aware, right? And my dad's brother, so my uncle, he also had a son who was also born with a gammy eye. And this is what my dad told me anyway.

From when he was very young, my cousin was sort of ribbed by his dad for his gammy eye. So his dad would call him cock-eye and bog-eye and quasimodo and whatever. And the idea was he's making him desensitized to it because he's like, it's just a joke. was he's making him desensitized to it because he's like it's just a joke and his dad did that because he knew people were like kids are cunts and they're going to bully

him for it and if it's just a joke then he's desensitized to it then it will never affect them whereas my mum and my dad were sort of wrapped me in cotton wool with it and to this day if someone has a go at my eye, there's a part of me that, like, I do take the jokes about it very well now,

but it still bothers me more than, for example, a joke about me weight. Like, if you call me a fat prick, I'm not arsed, because my argument is, if I don't want to be a fat prick anymore, I can do something about that. It's my decision to be fat. But I am a little bit more sensitive to jokes about me eye. Not massively, but if I'm having a shit day and someone

makes a shitty comment about it, I'm just like, oh, fuck off. If it's about me waist, it doesn't do that. I don't know this for the fact because I've never really spoke to him about it. It's water off a duck's back to me, cousin. Because from an early age his dad sort of desensitised him to it

Could have gone the other way that though couldn't it? Could have gone the other way That is that's a good example of why I'm a big cocker I mean would it have been a massive surprise to be like I'm a cousin he killed himself when he was 18

but I think if dad was right. He's got to be tough. I think if my child was born with an affliction, I would try and get him used to joking about it from an early age. Not necessarily accepting abuse, but I think

joking about it, I think humour is such a powerful tactic with dealing with all sorts of stuff like this um i can't wait for you to be a dad you know your son vincent's fifth birthday when instead of past the parcel we're all doing a roast of a five-year-old mum's crying jade's in tears el Hadj Juf's there for some unknown fucking reason Little Vincent's mixed race

It's all weird and you're roast Doesn't even fucking look like me does he? Looks like a Senegalese winger anyway Oh fucking hell. So, yes, I agree. You agree with what? I don't know.

I just feel like we're in treacherous fucking water. So, here's what I would say. I think they're both right. I'm going to be quite diplomatic here. I think he deals with stuff like this with humour, as I do, and I don't judge him for that because I think everyone... It's his child as well, and if he is struggling with the concept

of having a Down syndrome child, which is not going to be an easy life for the child or for the parents, if he needs humour to deal with that, then I think he should be allowed to make jokes about it. However, if it's really bothering his wife to the point where she's getting really upset by those jokes, it's a personal thing.

So just don't make the jokes to her. Make the jokes to your mates. Put it in a WhatsApp group. Oh, my kid's going to be down syndrome. And you can make jokes there. You can get your humor out there. You don't have to keep consistently upsetting your wife if it's getting to her but then again she did laugh at one of them so she needs to sort of make her mind up and also adam's theory about

you know take the piss out of the kid and i'll soften them up don't do that with your kid who's got down syndrome i think that'll look pretty tough if you make repeated down syndrome jokes to your kid that's got Down syndrome, I think that's going to go, yeah, that's definitely for a WhatsApp group. Jesus, it's a tricky one, isn't it? But at the end of the day, if you're a good dad, just be a good dad, and then those details are just details. The main thing is you're there, you care,

and you fucking love the kid. If you make daft jokes in and around it, it doesn't matter. Just be a good fucking dad. There you go. Oh, what a nice ending that was. And I've got so much respect for you, Daniel, for picking that have a word.

And we'll do the other one tomorrow, probably, unless we get a doozy sent in in the meantime. Would you like a little tune? Tune me up. I've really enjoyed this evening. It's been a very fun one, Adam. I'm going to have four coffees every day. Today's band is called Zero Day.

Now, this band was based in Dubai. The band, after recording this song, have already split up due to creative differences. They recorded this song in a studio in London last year and since split up. The two guitarists from this band have since formed a new band called Trial by Fire. So the new band is called Trial by Fire, but this

song that we're going to play today is by a band called Zero Day. The reason we're playing this one is Trial by Fire. They have no new material recorded yet due to the Rona. So for now, we're going to play this for them. They sent it in. Is this where the other musicians went? This is why

they've got the name of the new band. Yeah, we had a band in Dubai, but now we've lost three musicians. Where have they gone? Yeah, trial by fire. So there. Zero dice. This song is available to download on iTunes and there's a music video on YouTube, so go

check that out. It was written by Jack Kivy, Angel Aroma and Millie Page and this song is called Broken Bottle it's a tune it's a bit gothy bit emo

but I like it it's a tune this is Zero Day with Broken Bottle I will see you all in the morrow see you termazis bye Felicia

bye Felicia you can see the shadows around my room that i'm sorry holding on to your shoulders as i breathe quietly because i'm afraid it's a maze in my complex human brain I lie awake day to day It's over but I'm okay You give me all Give me everything you've got Down in the rubble It's a different scene, I guess it's what I needed I've seen the struggle, not with you

I'm a broken bottle, down in a cage I'm alone and I'm afraid I'm a broken bottle I'm a broken I'm a broken If you can hear my voice when you're half asleep Then I'm sorry, I guess I'm loud All I wanna do is be proud of myself When my head is spinning so hard I forget your name

Well I promise in the morning and i'll remember it again you give me just give me everything you've got down in the rubble it's a different scene i guess it's what i needed and i seem to struggle not with you i'm a broken bottle. guitar solo Down in the rubble, it's a different scene I guess it's what I needed, I seem to struggle Not with you, I'm a broken bottle Down in a cage I'm alone and I'm afraid

I'm a broken bottle I'm a broken Need the pain, I wanna feel again Need the pain, I wanna feel again Need the pain, I wanna feel again Need the pain, I wanna feel again I'm a broken Need the pain, I wanna feel again Need the pain, I wanna feel again

Need the pain, I wanna feel again Need the pain, I wanna feel again Oh, I'm a broken