Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #45 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 29, 2020

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What's happening, guys? It's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month, and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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That supports the podcast. It helps us out. It's win-win. So do us a favour. Pause the pod here. Go and do that now, and then enjoy the episode Nice one

See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Now I'm getting the word Nause Cha Upset me

Nause bitch Catch me outside How about that I'm big bonded I'm heavy structured I'm hung low If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting!

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. With video on YouTube, on social media, at Have A Word Pod, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. Have a word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together chicken china the chinese chicken yeah i'm a yeah the drumstick and your brain starts ticking watching x files when the lights on we're done amazon i hope the smoking man's in this one you've been watching american pie i cannot help it if i think of any money man oh mate who's that by fuck i've forgotten what they're called. The bare naked. The bare

sounds so good in Scouse. The bare naked ladies. They're women. They're naked. And when I say naked, mate, I mean fucking bare naked. In the fucking nip. Swat out the

lot. Beryl's got a fucking beaver out That's just because We're getting Chinese It's like the Manchurian candidate As soon as someone says Should we get Chinese I'm like

I've got headphones on I'm listening to you And Jade just creeped in Look What's she wearing? Got a little bit of thigh there. What are you wearing? Ankles because she's been for a shit.

All right. Nice one. Why? You've been for a week, but you don't want to keep your jeans on in the house. You just, you got cold ankles. What the fuck have women got against clothes indoors it's pjs it's pjs or bay naked ladies in it no bye jade's got a she's just got back from putting missing cat posters up

what she's been going around putting missing cat posters up wow that's fucking weird isn't it because you've not got a cat it is weird because we haven't got a cat so her friends friends cat has gone missing so that's one degree of separation away mate you don't need to give a shit about a friend's friend's cat you've got to give a shit about a friend's cat i mean you're meant to pretend to give a shit about a friend's friend. It's like, come on. Yeah. She's the only one of any of them

that's got a printer. So she spends all morning printing missing cat posters off in the office in the air. And also, it's a black cat and the black ink is on the way out on the printer. So there's just this,

there's posters all around. Have you ever felt that? I have a fucking grey cat that doesn't exist that's gone missing slightly pink and yellow fine tiddles you don't come on that's two that's one away you don't have to give a shit about them

do you if my dog went missing and you had a printer and I didn't would you print missing dog posters off and drive them over to Liverpool for me yeah you're a mate if you're a mate I'd be like no Adam

fuck off printer ink's fucking expensive mate yeah so there's posters all around Liverpool of a cat that is literally Winter ink's fucking expensive, mate. Did you get a Jaina? Did you get a Jaina? Yeah. So there's posters all around the field of a cat that is literally unrecognizable at the minute. Have you seen this cat? If you have, we don't want to fucking know.

What kind of cat's that? That's not a cat, it's a rat. Well, she's a good person now, isn't she? Yeah, but that's the problem. When you're in a relationship with someone who's a good person now isn't she yeah but that's the problem when you're in a relationship with someone who's a good person it becomes a problem after a while

because first of all she does shit like that where you're like it's not your problem fucking leave it and also it's impossible to win an argument

with a good person when you're an arsehole like me like it's all well and good army partners such a good person yeah she is but that's annoying when you're a twat okay i think it's important that you found a good person because otherwise you're gonna be with a twat and then that's twat squared in it and then that's

dangerous that's this podcast that yo yo yo hang up absolutely makes for great podcasting but you'll ruin a few like christening's weddings dinner parties twat squared is that couple who are like could you pass the salt why don't you go fuck yourself brian and you're like nice one that's nana's birthday party in the bin i and also who wants to who wants to hang out with two good people you're like oh do you just fucking sit around and sniff each other's non-stinky christian trumps of an evening fuck off uh of course we're both vegan oh no you have to wait for the talons in the wine you can't you can't drink wine straight away oh my god no no theo theo no he was he was about to drink the wine yeah no we've we've only just opened the wine he was drinking now you see

that relationship needs one of them to be like oh shut up you twat and that it's great isn't it it's great the good person is just completely cut off and Oh, my goodness me, I do. Sometimes I do a little bit too much charity work, and then obviously Darren, you know, he hits me, and it just is a reminder. It's a reminder, a physical reminder, that he wants his tea on time. We've had a little bit of tension in Casa del Nightingale today.

Really? Spill. Spill. Laura. Beans. I've got the toast here. I've got the toast right here. I want you to come here and spill some fucking beans on this toast, lad. Give me my beans on toast.

Here's the toast. It's already buttered. You have to do the rest. They're piping hot. All you have to do is rest they're piping hot is spill um yeah um i as you just look towards your door like is that definitely sure i want sex this may i want a government handout and a handjob. Yeah, she's, we had a little, we've had three in 48 hours, which to most couples you're like, mate, we've had three in 48 minutes,

you fucking pedestrians. But me and Loz don't argue that much. That's two months worth in fucking, and it's basically because the sun's gone away, we can't use the garden and we're all tripping over each other. And, you know like just a little bit of stuff and i want to crack on this is my beef i think she slows the process down of choosing shit for the house because she's got it in her in her head that

i'm a bit slapdash and i will just order something and whack it up so she's like no no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do that shit. I'll think about it. It's been annoying. Yeah. Oh, I've never related to you so much. But there's no... You should research it. Don't just buy it. It might be cheaper on another website by three quid. So we want to save those three pounds over the period of our lifetime. That could be the difference between going on holiday once

and going on holiday 1.1 times so look after the look after the three pounds and the holidays will look after themselves brilliant nice one adam so in 2028 we now don't get a second holiday you know brilliant you know why because you dicked away this money on amazon 73 pounds in a whole year wasted because you just thought of something and ordered it yeah but this is the problem with that i don't mind her slowing everything every choice down because i would i've my taste is like literally i like it i can i'm one of them i might instantly look at something going yeah i don't like it like it i don't think about it it's just a guttural instrument. Like a fucking child at the sweet shop. Like, don't like, like.

Yeah, that's me. Yeah. So, if she has this great taste, which... Just one sec. The other night, Jade got a little, ha, gotcha moment in. She had a little laugh. Because my impulsive nature fucked me up because I ordered a pair of shorts from Nike.com

and they were children's. And then there's that moment when you want to style it out like, no, no, I meant to because I like a tight fit and I'm going to lose weight anyway. Fuck off. Fuck off. Nike are a very generous fit. Fuck off.

I'm taking my tiny pants and going upstairs. Oh, mate, you're getting quite the back catalogue here, aren't you? Skipping ropes, children's shorts. I'm not saying you are, but if a finger gets pointed, there's some fucking dodgy evidence knocking around at your house. I don't mind that. The sensibleness, fine. She thinks I've got shit taste taste and if I look around this office

with a Super Mario thing and a picture of my own face yeah it's not great I'm honest I've got a Rick and Morty poster that's one of the best things I've ever seen most people would think it's gross

I'm not saying I've got the best taste however if you're gonna cock block every fucking decision you've got to make one of your own and there is a lot of fucking bare walls knocking around here there is a lot of fucking bare walls knocking around here. There is a lot of non-purchases because she's gone,

no, no, I'm not sure about that. No, let me think about it. We've been here six months. There's walls just like, I'm like, what are we doing? And that, with the pressure cooker of the quarantine and me being, she shouted, get off my dick. And I think that is a sign. Get off my dick!

I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So, she went for a drive to Wales, which, to be fair, we live very close. But that's when you know you're being a bellend, when your wife drives to another country. It's not another country well a principality um so yeah and i've been out for a little jog that quickly became a walk and oh feel fucking great do you ever do that just i think that's great is it like the end of

the path so i said to you don't know can i just can we record a little later I need a jog I was feeling a bit tetchy tidied up but then I get bored of that bit of self-diagnosed ADD I was like fuck I'm gonna go jogging

yeah it's annoying that I love her to bits but it's fucking annoying and if she keeps going like this I will fucking leave and I'll go to Ibiza and I'll be a dancer like I've always wanted to

like the bullshit that just bangs around my head this family as much as I love them dragging me down how many pods can I do I could do six a day I could fucking never mind six a week I could do six a day I'll take over the fucking pod game I'll take over the fucking pod game I'll get bit I'm dripping in bitches I get all these hookups on tinder that will probably all in my fucking mind but I I died it wasn't enough anger i thought that that frustration was gonna have me jogging like like you know 13k i was gonna but it wasn't it was like around the block twice and then i was like i just walked back picked up my prescription on the way home so yeah

me and jade had a big fight a couple of weeks ago and she went for a drive and like i texted her because she was out for like a couple of weeks ago and she went for a drive. And I texted her because she was out for a couple of hours. But in the middle of the night as well. Yeah. I was like, where are you? She was like, nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with you. And I was like, okay, cool.

But you're okay. That's all I want to know. Yeah. And then the next day when she came back and we talked, I was like, where did you go? She went to Tesco. And I went, what, at three in the morning? She went, yeah, just sat in the car park.

Have we? go and I went what three in the morning she went yeah just sat in the car park have we she's like it was far enough away that you wouldn't walk and find me and there's no one else there so I just had the car parked to myself I'm sure we've mentioned it already but the Dave Twentyman going through that divorce sitting in the Morrison's car park when he lied to his missus. Have we done that on the podcast? I don't think so, no. I don't know the story. It's one of the most, because I think sitting in a car park when you've had an argument, there's something so fucking

real about that. And it's never going to get shown in a film because it's not good human drama, is it? But it's so real to just be like, I didn't know where to go. It was the middle of the fucking night. So I sat in a film because it's not good human drama is it but it's so real to just be like i didn't know where to go it was the middle of the fucking night so i sat in a car park and looked at instagram 20 men now dave 20 men is a circuit comedian and he's a good lad lives in st ellen's he's so northern it's eye-watering in places he makes me sound so un-northern, you could honestly start hearing a French accent in our speak, because he's like,

that was me! It's the most northern thing I've ever heard. Sounds like the fucking mating call of an elk, like... And he was going through some difficulties in his relationship. They sorted him out, they're all good now, but he had a gig cancelled

at like two in the afternoon and he was meant to be setting off at four and getting back about half eleven. And it got cancelled and just because he wanted a bit of peace and quiet from his wife and the kids,

he pretended that the gig was still going on, got in his car at four o'clock, drove around to the, not the local Morrison's, the next one over and sat in the car park four o'clock, drove around to the, not the local Morrison's, the next one over and sat in the car park till about 20 past 11

and then drove home. He just read his fucking novel. There's something so un-rock and roll and brutal about that. Like, yeah, yeah, see you. Was it a good gig? Yeah, it was all right, yeah good gig yeah it was all right yeah yeah it was all right now then lids i want to tell you about trans alloy wheels limited alloy wheel refurbishments car body work and customization services in leeds and throughout

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will receive 25% off everything i'm going i'm getting my saving these guys are amazing trans alloy wheels limited get them on facebook insta online the lot nice one lids i don't know about you but i'm feeling triggered it must be have a word with adam and Dave. You okay? You seem distracted. What go on? What go on? I was looking at how much sugar's in this drink. I'm trying to cut as much sugar out as possible.

Oh, fuckity fucknots. Is it one of them? I don't have sugar in me coffee. So that's sad because I've started drinking coffee again because I set my machine up as we spoke about yesterday. I've stopped having sugar in me tea. I normally have two heaped spoons of sugar in my tea cut it out, no sugar there

stopped having fizzy drinks apart from beer these Robinsons Refreshed are quite good they're high water content but there is 10 grams of sugar in each one, so I can only have one of these a day yeah, they're not ideal are they, but I wonder what

a pint of cordial's gonna be, you know because that feels like the non sugary affair but they are, they're fucking sugary those things aren't they, like Robinson's or cordial, you mean one part cordial, eight parts water Yeah, I mean diluted you fucking animal

What kind of stag do challenge is that? Right pint of Ribena and don't go blind from diabetes go i when i was a kid i used to drink just cordial with i didn't put water in it you heard am i the only one that when they invented double strength concentrate cordial I was like where the fuck's this been? What are you doing?

Why wasn't that possible before? We've just made it twice as more concentrated It's because cordial technology is really double concentrated because they can't charge twice as much for it. They just can't. So it wasn't economically viable for them to do that.

It's the fucking Illuminati. The Illuminati. The Illuminati have got fucking Jeff Bezos and fucking Hillary Trump have got their fingers right in their beanie. And fucking and Chiara.

You're seeing apparently Bill Gates wants to kill us all that's why Corona's happening apparently Bill Gates is fuming because they're trafficking so he's invented the

coronavirus so that he's bought the patents for the vaccine so as soon as the vaccine comes out Bill Gates buys it. It's an automatic worldwide patent for that. So he's going to, he's doing it. He's going to put microchips

in the vaccine. Yeah. So like, like if you got, you know, if your dog goes missing, it's got a microchip and you'd be like,

there's your dog lads over there. Yeah. Yeah. Doing that with humans and they're going to be able to turn it on and off. So like, if they just like,

that nightingale's doing hard heading his podcast's getting too big it could influence elections and he's left wing we want a right wing government oh yeah and I'm done I was just done yeah oh well it's not the worst way to go is it just being clicked off

being turned off I do worry about a slow painful death you know I'd love to just be clicked off be like 79 starting to feel a bit rickety laura turn it off like a light switch the ghost click what i just flipped bitch really honestly i've seen i've seen slow painful death up close and it looks like i mean unsurprisingly a bit of a fucking ball like so i actually think bus as much as it sounds horrific just bus just fucking bus uh we've got some we've got your test results back mr nightingale and no don't go out the window i'm out i'm flying that's thank fuck

it's a tall hospital i'm out of there you know if like you had no family so Laura's gone F is estranged matter of time matter of time yeah so you're on your own

and all your other relatives have either left you or they're dead it's just you but I've got fucking great artwork everywhere that I chose and it went up really

fucking quick you heard go on sorry sorry sorry getting angry and then you get a terminal illness you get told terminal illness, right? You get told, look, lad, you've got

three months and then we're turning your chip off or you're going to die of AIDS or something. You got cancer of the AIDS. You got cancer of the AIDS and when that happens, we're turning your chip off after three months. What would you do? Like, would you

wallow? Would you this? Would you wallow would you this would you die am i ill for this three months no right i am if i've got no family and three months i would not survive the three months i'm telling you right now have you ever seen someone snort cocaine off the counter of five guys while they were waiting for two cheeseburgers cuz and i'll use that fiver that they've always got in the tips jar as the fucking note to snort it with i'm telling you it would go big really quickly in fact what's to stop people when they get told they're ill just like racking up the debt? Does the debt get handed on to whoever's in your will or whatever? It does.

In real life, it does, yeah. Your debt, it goes to your next of kin. But if you're a stranger, oh, that'd be a baller, wouldn't it? If we were strange and Etta was like, yeah, I've never spoke to my dad. Etta, we've got some bad news. I don't even know him. I don't care. No, I don care no he only wanted to do his podcast and then i

don't think she'd be liable for that all right well then i'm making a quick call to net west bank i'm gonna have like i've been thinking about this for about 10 years now and um because you were given 10 years to live at 18 listen lad you're not in great shape but i'm only 18 i'd rack up a massive debt as much as i can try and you have to try and keep the fact you've got to turn the illness off like your applications because then they'll be like where we get our money from that's where being a twat's good in it like if you're two nice people like oh we're both ill we're gonna die uh have you got any illnesses? Oh, Graham, I need to say it. It would be dishonest if we didn't.

I've got cancer of the AIDS. I'd get like, I don't know, 50 grand. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 50 grand. You know, something tied you over. Yeah. I'm going Vegas. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah first class first class yeah who are you taking who are you taking Adam no one huh no one

I'm getting I'm banging as many prostitutes as I can in Vegas hey but I'm estranged at this point I want to be there with you banging prostitutes no no no no no

what about Carl no Freddy's definitely up for it they're all gone oh right you've got no one I want to be there with you. Spanking prostitutes. No, no, no, no, no, no. What about Carl? No. Freddie's definitely up for it. They're all gone. Oh, right. You've got no one. Missed them all off. They're all gone.

Gone on my own. Smashing through as many prozzy pussy as I can. Jesus Christ. Some of the turns of phrase that you select are startling. Even though we've been doing it.

I've known you years. Fuck, I'm a prazi pussy. I'm smashing the prazi pussy. We've got Scouse pussy. Welsh pussy. Wool pussy. Go on. And with me last whatever money it takes to do this with,

I'd save it, right? I'm flying from Vegas to New York. I'm dressing as Superman and I'm jumping off the Empire State Building. That's a very selfish death, isn't it? Yeah. Yes, it is. Who are you hitting?

Who are you hitting at the bottom? Some poor fucking dickhead tourist. Like, oh my God, it's our dream to be here. We've come all the way from fuckwit Illinois. I'd aim for a bit where there's no people. Mate, could you imagine had the trauma involved if you are little fucking little trey he's like 12 years old his mum and dad that he loves them to bits he's there with his sister

and then out of nowhere you're just walking in New York, and then you hear, Come out the fucking way! Louder and louder. You look up and you just see a large round flash of red and blue, and then a tubby scouse lad explodes on the pavement, killing your fucking parents and sister. The level of stress and little trays like, of stress that little trays like mom

dad little trays there dressed as Superman as well he's just got bits of Adam he's got bits of Adam Rowe and fucking cape all over him my favourite bit of that was

how in your head, even though you're about a kilometre from the ground, you could be like, hey, hey, everyone, clear the way, lads. You're just like, you time your jump

for the traffic lights so that you land in the middle of a junction. I don't know you just like you time you jump yeah for like the traffic lights so that you land in the middle of like a junction so there's no cars I don't want you to die but I'd love to see it

be like right the traffic's going now and in 20 whatever seconds it'll stop and I need to land there then so I need to jump now, traffic stops right in the middle bang

I do not like the building jump option the more I'm thinking about it because I don't want the thinking time of changing my mind I don't want to look you're turning your chip off tomorrow anyway I don't want the thinking time of changing my mind. I don't want to look, I don't want to... You could turn your chip off tomorrow anyway.

See, but this chip thing makes it... I think the three months, you've got three months to live. You've got this, your heart's going to pop. You've just got, it's actually, the medical term is dickhead's heart. Yeah, you're really not meant to eat that much Haribo when you're 40 dan that's what's happened it's the sweetest for kids like you can't have a haribo lunch so you've

got something we call in the medical industry uh dickhead heart and it's just going to go in three months then it's not the chip i don't know you've still got that unknown haven't you i just really i just think you see the bus you can't change your mind as you step in front of the bus. I think the Empire State Building is enough time for you to go, I'm fucking doing this. I'm taking control. Fuck this. Ah!

Ah, shit. Ah! And then just the last bit, like, get out the fucking road. It's so brutal. Nah, I reckon I could do it. I don't like heights, so I'd rather be down anyway. What do you mean you don't like heights?

I don't like it. Like when I'm on the edge of a building, I'm like, whoa! So sorry, you've got a fear of heights, so that's how you want to go? Yeah. What a time to want to go? Yeah. What a time to conquer your fear. Yeah.

The fucking to-do list, flapping and the fucking win. The thing is, though, that would be a way to prove your fear, right, wouldn't it? Because your fear is, oh, if I fall off, I'm fucked. And then you fall off and you're fucked. Yeah.

What are the... I don't like heights. I don't go on roller coasters or anything like that. I'm not into it. Yeah. Been on a few, but, like, the big ones and the upside down ones, not for me. And you always get fucking people like, oh, well, you're more likely to die in the car on the way there than on the rides. It's like, well, I'm not going, so I'm not going to be in the car either.

You're that fucked. Yeah, statistically speaking, I'm coming to hold your bags. Go fuck yourself. That fear of dying on a roller coaster isn't actually, it's fear of dying like a dickhead. Because if you die in a car accident, everyone's like, oh, Adam, he drove a lot for his work

and it was his passion, it was his life and he was going to be amazing and it's just such a tragedy. But if you die because you're too fat for the fucking straps and you fall out of Rita at Alton Towers, everyone's like, have you heard about? Like, you become, you don't want to get your death retweeted

that many times fucking comedian falls off rita at fucking alton towers it's just a bell ends death i i don't want to get eaten i mean that sounds like what it's ground it's not groundbreaking but that'll be okay that's that is one of my when people are like you just ended it you just got in the tiger cage threw themselves in the enclosure that's no no one's ever committed

suicide by tiger death by tiger people have been killed by tigers but no one's voluntarily gone that way that's fucking mental I'm gonna kill myself where you going Chester fucking zoo mate that's where I'm going

do you never get that impulse thing of being like I know I shouldn't try and jump in here but god I wonder what would happen if I just did I have thought like if I get in with the monkeys could I make mates with them

you know what I mean like when you see the monkey cage and you're like could I just have a laugh and that I reckon I could get in there and like take a footy with me see what happens yeah you get your fucking face ripped off near a football monkeys are sound yeah you're thinking of face ripped off near a football no monkeys are sound yeah

you're thinking of orangutans they're the fucking knobheads little monkeys are sound baboons look a bit rough don't they yeah with the fucking prolapses little chimpy monkeys little chimpy monkeys yeah they are they're sound aren't they

gorillas though you don't want to fuck with them because they're like the grumpy dads of the Chimpy monkeys. Little chimpy monkeys. Yeah, they are. Gorillas, though. You don't want to fuck with them because they're like the grumpy dads of the monkey world, aren't they? Yeah. Gorillas are like, fucking get away, mate. I can't remember what we're talking about.

Well, we haven't started the second section yet and we've been doing it for 10 minutes. Okay. I honestly don't want you to kill yourself, but please do it Superman style off the Empire State. If I ever do decide to do it, then I will do it that way. We've got a breakup story from Andy Robinson.

Evening, guys. Been listening to Adam on Red Men for a while and naturally jumped straight on the pod when you launched it. Have to say, you both produce an amazing podcast and I hope you can keep it up for as long as, for long to come. Have to say, you both produce an amazing podcast and I hope you can keep it up for as long as,

for long to come. Thanks, Andy, bro. Onto the submission. Finally, got round to sending in my breakup story and it may be slightly long, but the bonus is that it doubles as a have a word winner.

Oh, we'll see about that, Andy. Okay. I'm Andy, but I've given suggested names for others so i've been seeing this girl jen for roughly a year and she started to get a bit possessive and jealous and just generally making the relationship a bit of a chore so i figured i'd end it before it got any further which i think is fucking sensible in the brave as well hard to do that hard to just smell a rat and go fuck this it's hard to make that decision yeah in the month or so prior she'd written off her car

and as i had a motorbike i'd let her use my car exclusively as i rarely used it and she couldn't afford a new one straight away when i was trying trying to break up with her i said she was more than welcome to keep using the car until she sorted herself one out and I'd just come and get it back when all was sorted. What a nice, stupid guy. I thought this was a brilliant way to smooth the break of life. I can see what he's doing, though.

Yeah. Look, we should stay friends. You can keep using the car and I can't foresee any potential problems with this I am ending it but that thing of mine you've got that is worth £5000

and incredibly useless you keep it you just keep it for a while and let you simmer on the anger the breakup lasted three days oh yeah as in they got back together or it took three days for him to break up with her it took three days to break up with her because this bitch is crazy that's insane yeah but sometimes it's not as easy as the old clean break because you're trying to be though but you're trying to be diplomatic about it aren't you

you're trying to be like hey hey it's me he was scared of her wonnie that's what it is he was scared what she would do to him and his property because otherwise you just it's over get out my house he's like i need to do this delicately so she doesn't come and petrol bomb my bedroom you've met you don't end things like it's over get out my house though do you because then that's no but you can be a bit more blunt than let's discuss this for 72 hours i think every time you break up with someone you need to as much as possible you need it to be like it's just it's like gently pushing a boat out just gently just you want to go oh i don't want any too much splashing you don't want to fall in the water you don't want to fucking push it too hard so the person in the boat falls out and then you've got to grab them and pull them

back to just gently there's routine oh yeah letting go religion fucking when he's what is he put he's curling the curling guys yeah it looks like you're long for the whole journey and then just out of nowhere you just fucking that's what you want if you push to so that's what he's trying to do because and this is not just women fucking exes are cray cray and they will they'll fuck your life up they'll start

ringing the authorities like just want to let you know I just want to let you know as a concerned citizen, I think you should have a look at this cunt's bank accounts. Oh, Jesus. A month or so passes, and I gently inquire about her situation with a new car.

And he's putting capitals. I know! The idea was flawed from the beginning. She doesn't reply. Shock fucking horror. I continue to call, text, instant message, but nothing. So I go to her house and she finally answers and proceeds and says she's not giving me the car,

which is locked in her garage and closes the door on me. You can't do anything about that, can you? He's baffled. I come out. Is she on the insurance? Is she a named driver on the insurance? Well, she's got to be insured in some way, hasn't she? Because he's been driving it.

So he's come out. Come out of his stunt stupor and figure out, I'll call the police. And he's just putting brackets, grass, because he knows he's telling out come out of his stun stupid and figure out i'll call the police and he's just putting brackets grass because he knows he's telling you on a podcast to see what i can do and the answer is fuck all the police told him fuck all i'd handed over the car she was insured and it was on her property so i had zero rights regardless of the V5 paperwork, and I had to leave it there. Over the next couple of weeks, my friend, let's say Jake, had offered to drive past her place of work each morning and see if the car was there, which it never was,

until it was. So Jake, his mate, had been doing a fucking drive-by, and he's got the spare key. So Jake called me up one morning and took me to my beloved Fiat Punto. Oh, for fuck's sake, mate. Oh, my God. Let it go, let it go. It's just a Fiat Punto.

Mate, I honestly was so invested in this story until I read the two words Fiat Punto! Mate, I honestly was so invested in this story until I read the two words Fiat Punto. Jesus Christ. What were you picturing? A fucking Lambo. Something nice, like a souped-up... I knew it wasn't going to be a Lambo. Who the fuck is lending their next girlfriend a Lamborghini?

That's when you know your life's gone too well. No, you should keep the maserati i will use my skateboard and so jake jake came to get him and they proceeded to steal his car from her work he's literally i proceeded to steal my own car from from a work car park with a spare key time of my life luckily since i'm not posh enough to have a garage she never came back for it return the key or even contact me regarding the restolen punto fucking beautiful i love it i just love it i love the stupidity of him and i love the fact he had to done done done done done done done and steal his own fucking car back

he must have walked out of work that day and been like where the fuck oh he's got it annie because she can't ring the police like my car's been stolen is it your car the legal owner it must be the same for drug dealers. When they have other drug dealers steal their shit, they must be like, oh no, someone's stolen the drugs. Call the... Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Can't do it. How does it double as a have a word? You want to see? Yeah. Fast forward. Have I officially hijacked your have a words no fast forward almost two years my friend call him roger wants to buy the punto but he knows the check had passed obviously i love this story so i've told everyone he tells me he won't buy the car unless i get the spare key back from this crazy bitch that he's not spoken to in two years,

and he doesn't budge, regardless of my attempt or reasoning. He doesn't live anywhere near her. He says, no, I'm not buying it. So, Andrew thinks, fuck it. I'll message her sheepishly on Facebook, and I actually managed to get the spare key back. So he's... Will you have a word with Roger

if you judge him in the wrong... Wait, wait, wait, hang on. How long after he robbed it back was this? Two years after it's been robbed back, Roger is like, I'll buy that car, but knows the story and goes, I'm not giving you a penny until that crazy bitch

has given you the key back. So, he has to, Andy, has to message her on Facebook. So basically, Roger makes him get in touch with his ex and get the key back. My initial response was that Roger was a knobhead.

Right? I'd like to retract that. Because this bitch is clearly as crazy as roger thinks and i'll tell you why it's two years later and she's still got the key and not only got the key it's not in the attic in a box or somewhere it could just be forgotten about. She knows where it is to the point where when her ex-boyfriend messages her on Facebook and says, can I have my key back? She can get it quite easily and give it to him. She was planning at some point to steal the car back again.

That's why she kept that key for so fucking long. Why else has she still got the key in an easily accessible place i want i want to know what andy did when he had to go around and get like how awkward is that like the most awkward gumtree facebook it's like you know marketplace like hi i've come for the key of the car that's mine and you tried to steal thank you hope you're well okay go fuck yourself bye-bye me and jade bought our couch off facebook marketplace right yeah and it was listed on facebook marketplace second hand big leather l-shaped couch yeah for like 350 quid but it was also listed on ebay for a buy now price of 200 right so we turned up having messaged her on

facebook i'm like yeah we've come for the couch she was like oh yeah come in i'm like yeah we'll take it she was like okay cool so that's a 350 because we've contacted on facebook and we were like hey hang on we noticed that it's on ebay for 200 quid so we we were thinking it was 200 quid actually so we'll take it for 200 but we're not taking it for 350 and you could just see her eyes go oh they found it and we got it for 200 quid oh mate that's bad online selling that is like she's got her numbers the wrong way and she should be 350 on ebay because they're going to take a slice of that. It should be cheaper on Facebook Marketplace.

Maybe it was that way around. Well, I can't remember. It was, yeah. You got your cheaper couch. I got 200 quid for a big fuck-off L-shaped couch and it's boss. You've got to be able to stand there and do that and be like, I am studying your home. I know you want rid of

this couch. I've got a van outside and I'm going to stay you down and be the cunt who haggles in your living room while your kids are squawking around the corner. I've had someone try and haggle with me, but I'm too stoned. So we had a big, when we first moved in here to the house, when we were in the flat, we bought that couch, right? And that pretty much filled the living room in the flat because it was a bit smaller.

When we moved in here, we were like, we need a chair or a smaller sofa. We need something else in the living room. Jade's mum and dad had two like big barca lounges, two recliner chairs, right? Like living room ones.

So they were like, look, we were going to throw them away or sell. We were going to sell them, but sell they were we were going to sell them but we were thinking you're moving into your house little welcome present they're worth a couple of hundred quid each but you can have these two chairs so jade's like yeah we'd love them and i was like well we only fucking need one really jabe was like no we're having both i'm gonna put one in the bedroom that's gonna be me reading chair it sat in the bedroom taking up a lot of space to

nine months and she never once sat in it and read and then eventually we were like right we'll sell this well I I wanted to sell it immediately but Jade eventually caved and was like

okay we can sell it so she put it on Facebook and this couple turned up and it was on Facebook for I think initially for like 100 quid then we knocked it down to 80

and at 80 quid the couple from St. Helens or something were like, yeah, we'll have that. And they turned up, and I was like, okay, cool, do you want to give us a hand with it? And we both put it in their van, slash car or whatever they had. This was not that long ago. And then the guy comes up to me

and his missus had clearly gone, just try and fucking negotiate and get a bit cheaper. I was just wondering whether you'd be willing to accept like 64? And I went, he went okay no worries it was the worst attempt to negotiate it was already in his car i was like no 80 quid they can oh you just have to awkwardly get it out again oh my god i mean you always it's like tipping it. When you put a bid in on like marketplace or any of that gum tree, you always basically take fucking 20 quid off. Don't you?

You got to, you got to like, it's not a book to do it. When the shit's in the van, it clearly never negotiated bullshit. Like they'd have a chat in the car and the way they know what we'll do is right. Think about it.

We'll get him to help us put it in the van. Cause it's in the van he doesn't want to put it back in his house does he so we'll do it that way get it in the car and then negotiate this is fucking stupid you've already got it lad give me me 80 quid or i'll knock you out i can't believe you let someone put the item in the fucking van without having the cash off them well i wouldn't let them both get back in the car because it's one of them where you're like hi are you here for this give me the money before you even fucking touch it with your grubby facebook market hands the thing is though like if they tried to go away i would do more damage to their car with my baseball bat before they could get

away then the chair was worth. I don't know what I want to see more. That incident or your Superman death. But they would both be fucking social media worthy. We live right at the end of a cul-de-sac, a close. But the way it works is

we live here and to get in you have to go round a square or there's a walkway so by the time they'd got in the car and driven halfway round the square I could run down

the walkway and be waiting with a baseball bat to twat one of their windows out and that's going to cost them more than the chair

was going to cost wouldn't it really really really scouse moment at the end of all that by the way I think Roger was a douchebag for making anyone who's been in a nasty relationship you know full well don't make a

mate go back there never go back to a fucking lit firework i got a tv production company tried to get me to go back to an ex because they were making a tv show and they wanted me to be in the pilot it was called eating with my ex this was about a year ago and they were like when he's getting talks to any ex-girlfriends and you just go for dinner and talk about where it went wrong this that and the other and i was like to jade can i do this and she's like well i'm not happy about it but i'm not gonna tell you you can't do a tv job and I contacted my ex and she was like absolutely not what did you get did they get paid as well no

I'd have got like three grand and she'd have got nothing what the fuck I offered her I offered her a grand of it I said I'll give you the grand of it

she'd do it now now I'm your ex and I'm your fucking agent as well I'd have had pie and mash with my ex for extra couple of grand. Where would you take her?

Where would you take her? Not somewhere good. The pub. Right. Go for a pub lunch. Just a pub you never want to go in again. E.

Now. Let's have a word from our sponsors and then we'll do a proper have a wit. Doing these adverts makes me want to go to Vauxhall Comedy Club so much. When the shutdown is over, when we're free, when venues are open again, if you like comedy and you're in London, or if you're visiting the Big Smoke, go and watch some live stand-up at the Vauxhall Comedy Club.

It's just over the water, near the West End, really central. On a Friday and Saturday night, they have an amazing offer where they do as much booze as you can get, a bottomless booze comedy night. Amazing comedians from the TV, from the circuit. It's 90 minutes, free wine, cider, beer, and it's just 25 quid. There's also a spirit and mixer bottomless ticket, and there's also an entry ticket that's just £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club is open Monday to Saturday,

and it's right next to the amazing Vauxhall Street Food Garden. So obviously right now you can't go. But as soon as you can, get down there, enjoy yourself. Adam's played it. I'm looking forward to playing it. And in the meantime, hit them up on socials at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Instagram, at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter and Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook.

The show is 18 and over. So if you look young and fresh, take your ID, and if you look like me, fucking Grandad Dave, you'll get right in. See you there, Vauxhall Comedy Club. Nice one. Two mics, two leads, and a lot of time

on their hands. This is Have A Word. So, we've noticed over the past couple of days, couple of more people are signing up to the patreon which we're very grateful for and i think that's because people are trying to get in before we do the cut off to get these tickets which is very good so thank you very much as always to all of our patreon members and if you want to join up go to patreon.com slash have a weird pod and by sund Sunday night do that please if you would like

some free tickets to the big thank you show that we're going to do when the shutdown is over you've got a few more days left we try not to bang on about the Patreon too much during the week now because we just do that Monday episode where we talk about it a little bit but just given that we're doing a cut off

at the end of this week thought it was worth mentioning probably mention it again at the weekend if anyone wants to get in before it's too late. Got to have a word for you from a have-a-word celeb from early on. Very popular with our listeners. Miss Becky Heron. Becky, as some of you will know,

works at Hot Water Comedy Club. She's a friend of the podcast. She's a friend of mine, a friend of Dan's. And she's contacted us with a have a word. Are you ready for this, Dan? Oh, yeah.

Hi, friends. How are you? Got another have a word for you. I've been with James, her partner. I don't think they're married. Maybe they are, but I don't think they are. I've been with James, her partner. I don't think they're married. Maybe they are, but I don't think they are.

I've been with James now for 10 plus, oh, they are married. Oh, maybe not. Been with James now for 10 plus years. House, babies,

weddings, et cetera, et cetera. Usual shite. Now, that length of time to be with someone is the amount of time that you would assume that your other

half would see things that aren't necessarily romantic and beautiful. For example, I shit in front of them, I fart in front of them, I pick my nose, etc. She's a lady. Now, James thinks this is the most...

Sorry. Now, James thinks the most disgusting thing in the world is to share cutlery as in a knife and fork. This is the same boy who regularly licks my bum hole

and has watched me push two kids out of my fanny. He thinks sharing a fork or using the same knife as me to make toast is unhygienic. Have a word with the daft prick

before I start wiping my arse with all the spoons in the house. Shut up. Shut up! She's so scowled. She's so scowled. Oh, mate. I fucking love that woman.

What do you reckon? Yeah, what's he fucking on about? What is he fucking on about? Mate, i am so not bothered about that shit i'm dead my natural proclivities makes me dangerous for the coronavirus if like if you touch that and you touch that and like i remember having to share chewing gum with someone as like, was it a play? Was I in a play when I was young and there was a bit about sharing, was it something to do with tissue? Oh, hang on. I can't remember anyway.

They were like, oh, would it be all right? I'm like, I'm not fucking bothered. As long as it's not some like absolute muntur who's like, I'm going to share my chewing gum. I'm not bothered. That doesn't freak me out, that sort of stuff. I've got a kid. I watch her pick around her own bumhole

and then fucking touch everything around the house. Unless I was just literally shooting death hole from every fucking... Thanks for warning me about that before I came round. Jesus fucking Christ. Every kid's just a fucking dirt bag. But I just don't, I i'm not bothered what's the point jade's a bit like a bit like james right she'll be like i'm not using that you've used it and

then the dog will come and lick her face and she's like oh give him mummy kisses i'm like she licks her own bum hole jade you've got dog bum hole in your mustache exactly they're the fucking worst they're having a sniff of other dogs bumholes and then coming home like come on let's give a little hug and kiss and stuff. Here's one. How are you with toothbrushes? Jade's toothbrush is the only one you can find. Would you use it?

Would you be bothered? Here's the thing. I would use it for like on the off chance. Not the off chance, on a one off. Right? So if like, I don't know,

let's say I go to brush my teeth, I drop my toothbrush in the toilet, that toothbrush is gone forever. There's no other clean ones or fresh ones in the house. Still in the packet. So I'm like, I need to brush my teeth. I would use Jade's toothbrush, but then that day I would go and buy a new one.

For her? No. Right. I'd go and buy two new ones. Right. Get her some fresh toothbrushes. So I understand that when it's an absolute necessity to go, I've got to brush my teeth.

It's the only one there. But couples who long-term share a toothbrush, you're disgusting. You're a nasty bitch. You're upset me. It's not, I just find it weird. Yeah, that is a bit weird. Although I do not give a shit about that.

This is our toothbrush. No, that doesn't happen, does it? Please tell me that doesn't actually fucking happen it fucking does mate there's people who have a have a communal toothbrush for the house yeah i'm i'm it's probably grubby but i'm like ah fucking it's fine in it but laura does not feel the same it's like if i do it i've then got to like you know like a murderer gotta fucking rechase my steps clean off the toothbrush and then put it back exactly how she has it otherwise just randomly of a morning you're like oh god my fault sorry it was dark when i was brushing my

teeth she fucking hates it i'm just not bothered about that stuff. I think I'm a bit grubby for that. I love it that she has a bum hole licked and that she says it on a fucking podcast. I love it. I hate it. Yeah. Nothing wrong with getting your bum hole licked, though.

It's licking a bum hole that's a bit disgusting. I would... I mean, I do it. Oh, I do not want it done to me. Oh, but I'll have a good look at it. Are you following? Oh, no, no, no, sir. No, sir.

Who's doing that, Laura? Oh. Well, you'd hope so. Well, yeah, in theory. No, there's two... That's a dangerous game down there, mate. Why? I don't mind doing it, though.

Yeah, I've been to the... I mean, if I'll use my wife's toothbrush, I'll definitely... Yeah, I'm not bothered. But no, I don't want anyone going down there. I've said this before. That's a fucking dangerous area. Why? Because I trump uncontrollably.

It's going to ruin your Tuesday, that, innit? Letting rip right in your wife's nostrils. Like, ah! Ah! I still can't smell Christmas yeah yeah see I'd like me but more lick but it's hard to get that done when you've got IBS you can't you can't tell someone you've got IBS and then have them lick you but more it has to be the other way around you have to wait till they're done before you let that secret house yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a that's it's like cards on the table that's why i don't think it's very easy on the table keys in the

bowl when you get to a certain point of life with all your like ibs and all your fucking weird little things that you do i think it's really hard going back out there how could you say that to a girl like yeah I'm into some pretty freaky stuff particularly if I'm hungover but just before you go snuffling for truffles down in down near the gooch can I tell you I've got IBS that is a fucking horrific conversation

I'd rather go and get a spare key off an ex for a Fiat Punto and have to tell a new a new squeeze that i'd ibs yeah it's an awkward conversation as well if you had to did you have to do it with jade no because she's the one who diagnosed my ibs oh that's fine isn't it she's a doctor sometimes when we get to the end of i A Word, it freaks me out that what we always sort of talk ourselves into like a conversational dark place and then go, and then there's this awful look.

It's almost like filthy sex when you look at each other and you're just afterwards. And we have this moment where we look at each other like, oh my God, I can't believe we said some of those things to each other. And then both of us are like, ah, I need to not do this again for at least 24 hours. But then we go, okay, let's play the band of a up-and-coming musician who's got hope in their heart

and a song in their soul. It's fucking brutal. Yeah, yeah, you've got to tell someone you've got IBS before they lick your bumhole. Anyway, today's band... Funny, funny, funny, funny. Anyway, today's band... Funny, funny, funny, funny. Anyway, today's band... That's been Have a Word with Adam and Dan.

Oh, God, he's singing an outro. You sent us all the problems that you had with your friends. We solved them for you. And you got your bum hole licked. Today's band is called Spring Bar they're from Skam they're from Skam

they don't give a fuck about bum licking in Skam that's fine so they're called Spring Bar they're from Skam they're disgusting they're a web on Spotify so they are Frost Gamers now. Disgusting! They're a web on Spotify. So they are... Twitter is Spring Bar Band.

Instagram is the same. This is their song. It's called Like A Brother. Fucking... I hope people get the call back. I hope people get the call back does Adam's IBS make him weirdly racist at the end of podcasts oh that's a hell of an

accusation what are they called again the band oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear on the podcast Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

On the podcast. Oh dear. Go ahead, fuck off. See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow. I need some money To get my car back on the road again Probably shouldn't go out But I really wanna see my friends I don't always tell you

But I love you like a brother I need you in my life To pick me up from the table like you drive me on a move I wouldn't take it for crash cars, supermodels And I'll tell it to you Cause I've got good things to make But this is just a weekend under for you I'm feeling rough on the weekend

Falling into work fifty minutes late I probably shouldn't go out Under covers so I can recuperate I don't always tell you But I love you like a brother I need you in my life To pick me up from the table like you dragged me home I wouldn't change it for crash cars, supermodels and hotel interviews

Cause I've got good mates who make bad decisions on weekends on the booth Money might make me happy for a day The Weekend on the Booth I wouldn't change it for fresh cars, supermodels and I'll tell we're new Cause I've got good mates who make bad decisions, the weak and the blue Morning might make me happy for a day But I'd rather be rich in different ways