Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #46 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 30, 2020

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Starting point is 00:00:00 What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.
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Starting point is 00:00:59 That supports the podcast. It helps us out. It's win-win. So do us a favour. Pause the pod here. Go and do that now, and then enjoy the episode Nice one
Starting point is 00:01:05 See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Now I'm getting the word Nause Cha Upset me
Starting point is 00:01:17 Nause bitch Catch me outside How about that I'm big bonded I'm heavy structured I'm hung low If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting!
Starting point is 00:01:27 It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. With video on YouTube, on social media, at Have A Word Pod, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. Have a word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together. I am craving a McDonald's. Wondered where that was going. Wondered what it was going to be. We've craved gigs.
Starting point is 00:02:18 We've craved the company of our friends and loved ones. Third down the list, Mackey fucking D's. I've been eating so much better for like a week now. No takeaways. Been three meals a day. No snacks. And I've just woke up today and I want to eat
Starting point is 00:02:37 shit, but I don't want shitty pizza food. I've had so much Chinese in the past month or so that I'll be honest with you i don't want to see a chinese person for a fucking while mate okay unless they're saving me 20 nuggets and a fucking big mac i i love it how your body's trying to it's you're trying to reject healthy eating your body's like whoa you know some people are, I've eaten shit for so long. I just need vegetables. Laura does that occasionally.
Starting point is 00:03:08 And I'm like, oh, fuck off and eat a sprout. But I love it how you're just like me. It's the same. You're like, I've eaten really well. I just want some shit. I want some nasty shit. Fucking upset me. Nasty shit.
Starting point is 00:03:25 Can I just say right now now if McDonald's come back next week or the week after McDonald's are on the way back we know that we know they're coming back before the Premier League does I've accepted this
Starting point is 00:03:34 okay right if the Big Tasty is not on the menu I'm gonna burn the place to the fucking ground I don't think that's gonna get you
Starting point is 00:03:43 what you want long term is it right we're gonna have a restricted menu for how long a fucking week Turn the place to the fucking ground. I don't think that's going to get you what you want long term, is it? Right, we're going to have a restricted menu. For how long? A fucking week. A fucking week! Gee, get the paraffin!
Starting point is 00:03:54 Right, if you just... Surely you can do some version of a Maccy D's. It's almost like learning to walk again. No, no, no. Start with a fucking simple one. I'll beat you with a fucking little... Just because you're a parent now, don't be doing the,
Starting point is 00:04:06 we've got burgers at home. Fuck off. Oh, I didn't mean that. You cannot replicate McDonald's in your house. That's it. Fuck me. I am never going to be that guy.
Starting point is 00:04:15 Like, if Etta's like, this doesn't taste real, I'm like, no, it doesn't, darling. Throw it out the fucking window. Get in the car. We'll get the real shit. I'm the biggest child
Starting point is 00:04:23 in the house. What I mean was, if they're on a restricted menu and I feel your pain on this could you not like the big tasty
Starting point is 00:04:30 is not available for two weeks they're doing like a restricted menu is there something that could just you know yeah look
Starting point is 00:04:37 I'll be honest with you I could make do with a Big Mac or three double cheeseburgers at the minute I could but I don't want to no no no
Starting point is 00:04:44 I want a big tasty with bacon with just cheese bacon and sauce or three double cheeseburgers at the minute. I could. Yeah. But I don't want to. No, no, no, no. I want a big tasty with bacon with just cheese, bacon and sauce. That's my order. Yeah. No lettuce, no tomato. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:53 None of those fucking massive raw onions. The only onions I like from McDonald's are the little diced ones you get on a big mac or a double cheeseburger. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:00 Those big chunky cunts that you get on a quarter pounder, isn't that? I've got no time. Ain't nobody got time for that no I don't want a quarter of an onion on a fucking burger horrible
Starting point is 00:05:09 I like it how, I like it like basically McDonald's make it like onion cocaine they just chop chop chop chop chop chop and you can just snort it off the burger chop chop chop chop yeah I um I just don't understand people who have like tomatoes and lettuce and shit on
Starting point is 00:05:26 their mackeys it's like you're not eating healthy you're in mcdonald's get it as bad as you possibly can no one's judging oh no one's in my he's like oh my god he didn't even get lettuce on his burger oh my god he's just inhaled 24 mozzarella cheese sticks, but he hasn't got lettuce on his fucking burger. What an animal. If McDonald's was open right now, and they had their full menu and I could choose, I want a large, big, tasty meal. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:55 Just cheese, bacon, and sauce. Yeah. I want a large Coke with no ice with it. I want a box of 20 chicken nuggets. 20. All right, good. Which family are you feeding? Go on. And I want a box of 20 chicken nuggets. 20. All right, good. Which family are you feeding? Go on.
Starting point is 00:06:08 And I want a McFlurry. Oh, Jesus. The old Fluzz Dogs. I want a Smarties McFlurry, but with toffee sauce. I'll pay the 20p. Not asked. I want toffee sauce in me Smarties McFlurry. Oh, the toffee sauce from the Caramel Sunday.
Starting point is 00:06:25 Yeah. Oh, my mum was into those. She was like, let's go to McDonald's, we'll have a treat. And then we'd get like chips or whatever and a milkshake and she'd get one of those. And then we'd be like, can we have some of that? And she was like, no, this is just for me. She decided it was just a mum treat and that we couldn't have it because I think it's essentially liquid fucking glucose in
Starting point is 00:06:45 it so you're just off your tit so it's probably a good choice on her i i didn't know that they could take that liquidy toffee and put it on something else well they can and sometimes they like to pretend that they can't you'll get to the drive-thru sometimes and be like you're like love can i have a smarty mcflurry please with some toffee sauce and like i'm really sorry we don't do toffee sauce in it. And I go, you can though, can't you? You can go over and you can just put the toffee sauce in. So could you just do that?
Starting point is 00:07:11 No, because we'd have to charge extra for that. Well, charge me for another McFlurry if you want. Charge me for the toffee sundae. Charge me two quid. And you know, just as you're about to put the ice cream in the toffee sundae. Fuck it in the bin. Take this. I'm sure this is a tenacious TV.
Starting point is 00:07:28 I'm trying to lose some weight. I want six chicken nuggets. Take three. Throw them away. Fucking throw them away. That'd be amazing if you were like, take the ice cream, right? Get the toffee in just before you're about to get the ice cream. Fucking don't.
Starting point is 00:07:40 Put it on the floor. Then clean it up later. Give me me toffee, bitch. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, I like how you think. I love fucking tinkering, not fussing, tinkering. I've talked to you about my friend Claire before, who when we go to Pizza Express,
Starting point is 00:07:57 it gets to the point when you can see me and the waiter just like, oh, my God. I'm like, can I have like the Palo Forte, which is like the spicy chicken on a romana that's what i want sometimes no i don't know it's just fucking great i'll just leave it at that and then she's like can i have a vegan uh dairy free and one of the from that range and i'm no tomatoes and even though there's no tomatoes on it she has to say because she's so allergic to tomatoes i think she's got a slight intolerance and then she takes things off and then she adds it on and you can see halfway through the thing the guy going fuck me i should have stayed at university what am i doing
Starting point is 00:08:32 my life because he's having to deal with and is it definitely bread and it's not and okay no one breathes on it today and and then she complains afterwards there's not enough of it. I can't be doing that. That's well annoying. But I can dwarf your pain. Right. Because when I go with Jade, she makes me do that on her behalf. So she'll be like, right, I want the, like this is before she's vegan. My sister will be like, I want the gammon.
Starting point is 00:09:01 And it says you can have egg or pineapple. You can have two eggs or two, but I want one egg and I want one pineapple. But I want the egg, like, well done. I don't want it to be runny, because if it's runny, I'll think, is this undercooked? So make sure you tell them that I want the egg well done. But the pineapple, I want that underdone. I still want that to be, like, fruit and softy. And I want me chips.
Starting point is 00:09:21 But I don't want me chips to be burnt. So, like, 20 seconds before they usually take them out the fryer, take them out then. Me gammon, I want half of it well done and the other half a bit chewy so I can tell the difference. And I'm like, right, okay. Well, all I want is a steak pie and chips. So why don't you go to the fucking till?
Starting point is 00:09:38 I don't know your pin number. My card is on your phone for contactless. Go and do it. No, I don't like talking to strangers, do I? phone for contactless go and do it no i don't like talking to strangers do i so can't you go and do it i'll be like right i'll fucking go i don't like embarrassing myself in front of strangers i don't like boring a stranger to death so it goes both ways and i'll come back and be like right she's like did you say it all yeah and i'm like here's your drink she's like i said no i said me coke can you not fucking listen to anything i say i'm like you gave me a three and a half hour fucking monologue to tell to the fucking waitress oh it drives me fucking up the wall this is why and i think it's a really good theory i think i had that old bit about first dates about
Starting point is 00:10:20 how you make it all nice and you you're on your best behavior and you do something really fun and it's completely artificial and it's total bullshit and it's not a real testing ground of whether you're going to get on in a real relationship that that behavior that right this is how i want my chips that literally the full fucking list of details no one ever does that on a first date they're like yeah that's what i like i'll have a number 22 i'll just have a number 22. I'll just have a half portion because I just want to leave space for some dick. You know what I'm saying? They never do that.
Starting point is 00:10:52 I think everyone should be like, right, here's all my bullshit. First date. First date. This is all my bullshit. I'm going to order like Rain Man. I am going to fart in the bed. That's coming right now.
Starting point is 00:11:03 First date. First time we shagged. Yeah, get on board. This is the fucking future. If you want to fart in the bed. That's coming right now. First date. First time we shagged. Yeah, get on board. This is the fucking future. If you want to fucking ride the train, it's going to stink of shit. And that is that exact example of that first date artificialness. Only a person in a very long-term, comfortable,
Starting point is 00:11:18 overly comfortable relationship will be like, Adam, can you say all this? I'll be like... Oh, God. Oh, it's so so but i tell you what i do like i like tinkering i like the engineering of you going i want a mcflurry but i want one of the ingredients from another thing that i know is right next to the fucking mcflurry machine and i want you to use your initiative one day day you'll get that second star, Darren, and I want you to stick that fucking toffee sauce in there
Starting point is 00:11:49 and become a maverick. Let's challenge society. Let's break the mould, Darren. Live, Darren. I want to live with you. And then he's like, I can't. But I love that. Like when in Manchester, the food court on Market Street
Starting point is 00:12:02 used to go up an escalator, and I absolutely loved it because really small food court. So there was like a pizza hut, small little pizza counter, a McDonald's counter, a KFC counter. And if there wasn't queues, you were like there on a Tuesday lunchtime or something, you could pick your meal from all the different vendors. And I fucking loved it. A little pizza, a couple of bits of chicken from KFC, and the french fries from McDonald's,
Starting point is 00:12:30 and then like a can of fucking Rio, from one of the Asian owned independents. Oh, mate, you're like, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. No, she's made me do before as well.
Starting point is 00:12:41 She's made me go, to KFC, to get the chicken, and McDonald's to get the chips. Now, if you're in a food court and that journey is an extra 14 yards, as long as there's no queue, because, Adam, we've discussed this before, I queue for no man banned countries.
Starting point is 00:13:00 I'll queue for countries because I ain't got a fucking choice. Big queue at passport control right well we're spending the fuck we're spending the holiday arrivals get comfy family but i i think to make someone dry i mean that is a lot in it that is a lot if you i mean if you split up and you come on the podcast and be like i'm devastated we've split up i mean and you cited some of these reasons even though i like jane i think she's great for you i'd be like i'm on your side man fucking definitely definitely how you doing otherwise i have um i've got something
Starting point is 00:13:40 amazing for you and i can't believe this is true and I was so tempted to tweeze about this last night, but I wanted to save it and tell you now. I was going to text you this. Love it. So, a few years ago, when I first started stand-up, I worked in a nightclub called Envy. It's where Hot Water Comedy Club originally ran their gigs. And the manager of Envy,
Starting point is 00:14:07 really, really good mate of mine. We were very close at one point. Not quite as close now. Drifted a little bit. Still a good mate. When I had that car crash in January, he's one of the first people to message me. I'm like, do you need me
Starting point is 00:14:17 to come and pick you up? He's a really good lad. His name's Mike. He was the manager of Envy. Still play footy with him every now and then. And he's got a younger brother who I worked with in Envy because he got the job through me
Starting point is 00:14:27 called Lee, Lee messaged me last night and said I was hoping you would and I know this seems a little bit early in the podcast to do a ledge of the day but I'm going to do it anyway there's mischief afoot guys because what you can't see is the look of really like
Starting point is 00:14:43 pent up glee in adam's face it's worrying slightly worrying i've got a surprise for you and it looks evil so it's not evil it's fun it's unbelievable oh i love it so mike and lee's mum is going to be our ledge of the day today okay right now i've i've met um denise her name is i've met denise a few times she's lovely i've spent i've had a halloween party in her house like they were running it i wasn't running it in their house um but we we had halloween in their house one time she's great she used to come to the comedy a bit and obviously i've met her through mike and lee denise denise drummond i believe is her surname.
Starting point is 00:15:25 Right. Because that's her surname. She's the one who found Chanel. Fucking hell. Chanel! Oh. Oh, I knew you fucking knew her. It's only how many degrees of separation is that? When we fucking played that the first time last
Starting point is 00:15:46 week i was like i bet you know and you were like hey yeah you fucking prick two degrees of separation and you basically you're chanel's best mate so i got a message last night from lee which said hi adam bit behind on a podcast just up to chanel in number 41 just wondering if you give a shout out to my mum denise on the podcast and maybe make her in number 41. Just wondering if you could give a shout out to my mum Denise on the podcast and maybe make her your legend of the day. She was the one that found Chanel. She found it knocking on her bathroom window saying hello
Starting point is 00:16:13 over and over again. So Chanel was into... Denise has gone for a shit and she can just say hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Starting point is 00:16:28 Hello? At the frosted bathroom window and she's like, alright, okay, really high pitch rapey fucking Cockney guy. Hello? Hello? She managed to coax it into the window and reunite it with their owner. Here's a pic
Starting point is 00:16:43 of the parrot on the window ledge. So, can you see that? That is an African grey. It's an African grey right outside the bathroom window. Please WhatsApp me that. Please WhatsApp me that. Oh, I will do. So, I was like, fuck off. This isn't fucking real. And he was like,
Starting point is 00:17:00 I swear to God it is. And I was like, no way. No way. So, he sent me another photo of his mum holding Chanel, no way. No way. So he sent me another photo of his mum holding Chanel, as you can see there. Does Denise live near a canal? She fucking must do. She must do. Jesus God, that was so hard to canal.
Starting point is 00:17:17 So, I said, it'll be on someone's episode. I swear to God, Dan will love this. And he said, thanks, man. Some of the family were a bit pissed off because Chanel's owner hasn't given a shout out or anything hasn't said thanks Denise for finding me
Starting point is 00:17:31 fucking African grey and I said well I'll tell a story I'll make sure that your ma gets her name out there Denise you're our legend of the month you found Chanel I can't believe this is true and Lee said thanks I'll get you the months. You found Chanel. I can't believe this is true.
Starting point is 00:17:47 And Lee said, thanks. I'll get you both a few beers when we're not all grounded. So I'll let you the day. Month, year is Denise. Cause Chanel fucking knocked on her window. Mate. How is Chanel's mum? Chanel in turn intern she's a bit cray cray though isn't she so when you're like i can't believe she's not giving you a shout out she seems a bit like
Starting point is 00:18:13 she's away with her own you know yeah so i think she's a bit fucking weird she doesn't american accent in her videos i know i've watched them i found chan, babe. And you're like, oh, God. She's a bit fucking weird. Do you know when that happens, that shit, it's a weird one because you see the videos, like that Twitter video went up and it's hilarious. And then the one where she's found it, you're like, oh, and then you're kind of relieved
Starting point is 00:18:38 and it gets way less funny. And then the third one is like the update the next day because Chanel's owner has gone, oh, wow, I've got this thousand, many thousand fucking retweets. I better do an update. And by the third one, you're like, yeah, I've gone right off you. By the first one, you're like, oh, my God, she's lost the power. No, she seems a bit weird, but we've got to find a parrot.
Starting point is 00:18:57 Literally, within a minute, you've watched all three videos and by the end, you're like, oh, a knob. Yeah, and do you know what? watched all three videos and by the end you're like, oh, a knob. Yeah. And you know what? I reckon if on the day this happened, right, when we covered it first
Starting point is 00:19:11 on the podcast, if we'd have gone, she seems like a knob, that woman, we'd have lost about a thousand listeners. People would have been going, I'm fucking naughty.
Starting point is 00:19:19 She's lost her fucking pad and they're calling her a knobhead. And I reckon if anything now, there's going to be people sending other people this podcast going, these things're calling her a knobhead. And I reckon if anything now, there's going to be people sending other people this podcast going, these things, she's a knobhead as well. Oh, yeah. And then to not thank Denise adds a layer to it.
Starting point is 00:19:34 You're like, yeah. Yeah. Fucking parrot owning rat. I reckon she should literally have to give... You fucking parrot. should literally have to give I reckon she should have to give Denise a literal shout out she should have to go into the streets crying doing a selfie video going
Starting point is 00:19:55 the thing is I lost me paddy and I forgot to thank Denise full volume Denise she's a mother of three. She lives by the canal. Denise! She's an English brunette. I might, she might be an English grey,
Starting point is 00:20:18 but she might use hair dye. I mean, she looks brunette. Anyway. Denise! I mean she looks bluer anyway Denise and then I want
Starting point is 00:20:28 all the fucking Jurassic Park and I want the Lilo and Stitch all the fucking little gifs that come out in the little videos
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Starting point is 00:20:57 I'm not that bothered about my car. Mate, I drive a Volvo. And after the fucking rona, I'm going to these guys at Trans Ilo wheels limited when I'm gigging in Yorkshire and I'm gonna get them to sort out the alloys that are all scuffed up and fucked on my Volvo v40 so even if you've got a sensible dad mobile or you've inherited your Nana's banger soup up the wheels get them sorted if you part like a bellend get them tied it up make them look smarter go the full hog get them jazzed up,
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Starting point is 00:21:58 I'm going. I'm getting my saving. These guys are amazing. Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Get them on Facebook, Inst facebook insta online the lot nice one lids i don't know about you but i'm feeling triggered it must be have a word with adam and dave uh so you just said mike said he's gonna buy some beers is that right lee said yeah lee gonna get us so mike used to be the manager right Mike was the manager
Starting point is 00:22:26 and like Lee's a Mason man as well but like I was very close to Mike for a while Lee's the one who messaged me
Starting point is 00:22:33 we we got an email asking from Mark saying I can't wait to get smashed with the boys
Starting point is 00:22:42 Mark's in Dunblane. One of them ones where you're like, every time you read it, you're like, oh, jeez. Mark from Dunblane says, I can't wait post-COVID to get smashed with the boys. Which three film TV characters would you most want to get smashed with?
Starting point is 00:23:04 If you could do a dream smash-up, and I'm not saying Lee isn't sound, who would your dream smash-up be with? Ooh. I'm really looking forward to a night out, by the way, Adam. Oh, I've been talking to Carl about it a lot, because I think by the time bars and clubs are back open, I think Carl's going to be back.
Starting point is 00:23:24 So I'm going to have my best mate back after not seeing him for a year think by the time like bars and clubs are back open i think carl's gonna be back so i'm gonna have my best mate back after not seeing him for a year and not being allowed to have a proper drink for months and they're gonna coincide and i'm booking an ambulance a booper ambulance i'm gonna say a night off i'm off. I'm booking medical help. Where's your brother in the world at the moment? Is he around? He lives with my dad, yeah. Around two streets away.
Starting point is 00:23:56 Mate, can I... Maybe not for the first mashup with the boys from back in the day, but can I come for the second one? Because I want to live, Adam. i want to live adam i want to live even though this is like this is a real life be free you know you can have it all even though this is a really good silly straight on point question and i appreciate it mark in my head when you when i read it which three, any film or TV characters would you most like to go drinking with?
Starting point is 00:24:27 In my head, I was like, Mike, Lee and Denise would be fine. That's how starved of a boozy one I am. I'm like, I will go with Lee and their fucking mum. I'm drawing a blank, you know, because this is the type of question that I take seriously. So I'd like 24 hours prep on this. Do you want to have a little... Honestly, that is absolutely
Starting point is 00:24:52 fine. Should we just put a pin in it? Yeah, let me have a little note. I tell you what, we'll do ours tomorrow. We'll both do ours tomorrow. And in the meantime, anyone listening, if you've got any suggestions, send them in. Tweet us us email us whatever you want have a word pod everywhere your top three so it's the characters isn't it it's not the actors
Starting point is 00:25:10 it's the characters yeah yeah yeah yeah he's saying characters my i know where my mind had my head always goes straight to animation first so i know where mine my went. But let's see your... See, if it was actors, I would go Joey, Ross and Chandler from Friends. But the actors, not the characters. That was a really special moment then. If I was going actors, I'd go these three characters. No, but I'd go...
Starting point is 00:25:40 Schwimmer, LeBlanc and Perry. Yeah. Just because I was obsessed with Friends growing up. I don't watch it quite as much anymore. I still watch a couple of episodes a day, but I used to watch it... I used to come home from school. Before I had Friends on Netflix and the box set,
Starting point is 00:26:00 I used to come home from school, and it was on E4, and this is how obsessed i was with that program there'd be an episode on e4 at 4 p.m and another one at half four and i'd watch both of them and then i'd watch them again on e4 plus one sad baronet how are you how have you ended up being the comedian that you are because with that sort of like apprenticeship in comedy you can end up being a fucking beige comedian no i'm not slagging off friends, but it's hardly cutting edge, is it? No.
Starting point is 00:26:30 I don't mind. I grew up with sort of what comedians would call hacky sitcoms. Do you know what other sitcom I love? And I really love it. And I know it's not the best. I know it's not Caribbean enthusiasm. Are you going to say My Family no
Starting point is 00:26:46 I was just in my head going how beige is he going to go two pints of lager and a pack of crisps oh Christ I love it and do you know what
Starting point is 00:26:56 mine and Carl's friendship was built on the love of those two sitcoms Friends and Two Pints and one night I was at the comedy store in Manchester
Starting point is 00:27:06 I was only at open spot, this was a couple of years into doing comedy and I'd said to Carl and another mate of ours Sean who worked at Baby Blue why don't you come with me, I'll get you two comp tickets, watch the show to Great Bill, Adam Bloom was on Tom Stade was on, Coppinger
Starting point is 00:27:22 was comparing I can't remember the others. And I think Imran Yusuf might have been on as well. But I brought them over. So I gave Colin, me other mates, Sean, their comp tickets. And I went down into the green room. And Adam Bloom had brought a guest with him that night. And it was Ralph Little from Two Pints of Lager and a Pack of the Crisp.
Starting point is 00:27:47 So I just excused myself. I played it cool. I was like, hi, Ralph. Nice to meet you, mate. But I was a young lad at the time, and the kid in me who'd grown up watching him in Two Pints of Lager and a Pack of the Crisp was like, holy fucking shit.
Starting point is 00:28:02 I was so starstruck. And I went upstairs to Carl, and I went, lad, holy fucking shit. I was so starstruck. And I went upstairs to Carl and I went lad, lad, lad. He was at the Cuneabar. I was like, lad, you gotta look at me. Guess who's downstairs? And he went to, and I went, Johnny, which is the name of Ralph Little's
Starting point is 00:28:17 character in Two Pints of Lark and a Pack of Crisp. And he went, Johnny Schumacher, a mutual friend of ours. And I went, no, no, no, no. Johnny, like, Ralph Little is in the green room. And that night after the show, loads of us went out for a drink. Me, Carl, Sean, Stade, Coppinger, Bloom and Ralph Little. And me and Carl got to live out this fantasy of going for a pint
Starting point is 00:28:42 with Johnny Keogh from Two Pints of Lager and a Pack of the Crisp. And to this day, one of the best nights of my life. Did you keep it cool enough? Or did you go, can I tell you something? Did you do that thing? Because there's been, I'm going, mate, I'm a big fan and I loved it. So I just want to let you know, being sound, but it's great fun having a drink. But I loved,
Starting point is 00:29:05 I used to watch it all the time. But then there's a level up where I've seen comedians do it where you're like, what are you saying out loud with your fucking face?
Starting point is 00:29:13 No, I'm quite good at that. I did, I did, I did well with it. I went, because when we first came up,
Starting point is 00:29:20 we didn't know whether they were all going to come on the night out with us, which they ended up doing. But I just went, Ralph, because I'd spoke to him
Starting point is 00:29:25 a few times downstairs now at that time he was thinking of starting to do stand-up Ralph Little he was considering it I said Ralph just got to let you know
Starting point is 00:29:35 mate two pints lagging on practice crisp me and my mate we used to watch that a lot I'll be honest with you like we're such good friends
Starting point is 00:29:41 because we both loved that program so much and it just it'd mean a lot to us if we could just get a quick photo. Yes. It's a big deal to us. And he went,
Starting point is 00:29:48 yeah, of course, no problem. And the funniest part of that night. Now I'm literally, I've at this point, I've been in standup AC in months, two years,
Starting point is 00:29:56 something like that. Um, and nobody, no video viral, no profile at all, but I'd had a good set that night. Is that a really good one? We're stood at the bar,
Starting point is 00:30:03 all of us. And there's people keep coming over to Ralph bar, all of us, and people keep coming over to Ralph going, oh my god, you were in the royal family? Oh my god, whatever. And this girl come over and tap Ralph Little on the shoulder and he went, how do you love? And she went, could you just get the Scouse Lab for us? Because we thought
Starting point is 00:30:17 he was really good. And Ralph Little fell apart laughing because he literally, as she tapped him, he went to put his arm around her to get a photo because that's what people have been doing all night. So he went to put his arm around her to get a photo because that's what people have been doing all night so he went to put his arm around her and she's like could you just get the scouse slag because we thought he was dead cut so funny
Starting point is 00:30:34 what a great moment when you're coming up those little moments are like that's going to keep me going for two years I think comedians have gone well I'm telling you right now, the other side of that is, the other guy from Two Pints of Larkin and Patrick,
Starting point is 00:30:51 Gaz, who is Will Mellor. Yeah. He will be in my three tomorrow. Defo. Oh, really? Yeah. So there's one of me three. The character?
Starting point is 00:31:01 The character, Gaz from Two Pints. All right, all right. If you want to throw in, before we do tomorrow, we'll read out some of the best ones. When Adam, the other day, did his five celebrities that he'd happily let his missus back, a couple of people tried to do them, and it was a list of five, and it was getting fucking weird.
Starting point is 00:31:20 Three well-known characters from television or film or literature if you're being a bell end who you'd like to go and get smashed and you've got to think about your relationship to them and also how they're going to get on there's four of you great drinking numbers four i can tell you right now it's a sad wedding and a good fucking stag duke one. If you let me pick one female character that I get to have sex with, I've got that, I know that. No, no, that's not in the game. It's not who you want to bang as well. It's Alice Morgan from Luther.
Starting point is 00:31:54 You know, the murderous from Luther. The crazy one. Oh, I'd love her to fucking murder me, you know. We have not been watching the same TV. Little side note, have you watched gangs of london that came out just recently and everyone's talking about now everyone's going on about it but oh jesus it's quite good now they know how to do someone getting shot in the face i'll tell you that spoilers it was one of them that is no spoiler that is about 25 25 percent of episode two or three is just murder um there are some fight scenes and just murder scenes that uh i was
Starting point is 00:32:35 i was like i'm not watching it not seeing the first episode and sam and laura watching it and you know when you're like that's fine i'm just going fucking dicking around on my phone and then my phone was getting less and less attention and that was getting and it's so it drew me in so much and they were like do you want to do you want to pause this so you can watch the first episode i was like no no i'm in keep going someone might get murdered really well soon so i uh yeah gangs of new york if you want uh gangs fucking hell not gangs of new york gangs of london is on sky at the moment i honestly think if you when you see a celebrity you've got a just be cool to a certain extent in it just don't be a bell end i know you're excited i know it's a fucking selfie opportunity but don't be a bell just try not to be
Starting point is 00:33:21 a bell end and think oh i wonder if they don't want me to go over they definitely don't want you to go over if it's definitely your hero i'm not shitting on your parade but don't be a bell about it but there's something about comedians being cringy with more famous comedians that makes me want to eat my own face cringing i saw i've seen this happen twice once to russell howard and once to kevin bridges who were two of the what bigger names in british stand-up i'd say like pretty much as big as they get bridges russell howard they're in that top tier of guy aren't they and they'll come down to like circuit comedy clubs occasionally to test out some new material and uh i've seen this happen with loads and most of the time the comics are cool Kevin Bridges was in Birmingham
Starting point is 00:34:09 Russell Howard came down to Bath because he's originally from Net Round Bristol and one of the just sat chatting, dead normal Mark Oliver's on who's his good mate and the headline act, not a new guy a headline act who was, I think he's about 55
Starting point is 00:34:24 just lulling the conversation went russell can i get a selfie and i don't know why it made me cringe i just like we're in a dressing room mate we're in a fucking dressing room and you're the headliner and you're fucking 20 years older than him just behave you weird cunt. So there was this moment where me and Mark Hove were like, oh, God, are you? It was unspoken. I was like, are you cringing?
Starting point is 00:34:52 And Russell Howard is a dead nice guy. He went, yep. But it was the pause. It was the pause before he said, yeah, I could tell he was thinking, fuck my life. The one in Birmingham, one of the other acts, again, lulling the conversation. Kevin Bridges is doing the middle 20 on the friday and the saturday friday night the compare guy from down south
Starting point is 00:35:11 should know better again older than bridges so we're all just chatting normally like kevin bridges isn't one of the biggest names in stand-up and then this guy goes in a lull goes so kev what's it like to be a comedy superstar i just stood i don't know what happened after that because i stood up and walked out the fucking door because my spine started contorting like oh i've got something i've been listening to the parapod a lot recently so some will remember, we've mentioned this a few times, the Parapod is a podcast done by a couple of friends of ours who are also comics called Ian Boldsworth and Barry Dodds.
Starting point is 00:35:54 It's about ghosts and the paranormal and conspiracies and mysteries and whatever. Barry, who I adore and is a good mate of yours, he's a lovely lad, but he is a bit hapless at times, isn't he? He's just a bit hapless. And it was on the podcast the other day. Do you know what Barry Dodd said when he met Buzz Aldrin? Buzz Aldrin, who accompanied Neil Armstrong
Starting point is 00:36:17 and was the second man to ever step foot on the moon. What do you think? Just have a guess at what Barry might have said to Buzz Aldrin. It's not going to be something that makes Barry look like an insightful, intelligent person.
Starting point is 00:36:31 No. It's not. Barry's got a tendency of just going, yo, I've just thought this. Let me tell you what it is.
Starting point is 00:36:38 Go on. He went, what's the moon like? What's the moonlight poor old Barry poor old Baz I mean as if Buzz Aldrin's not Buzz Aldrin
Starting point is 00:36:59 Buzz Aldrin's not like ever thought oh yeah that's a good point fuck I should have maybe written a book about that or done talks on it or something fuck yeah people might be interested like the most fucking obvious thing ever
Starting point is 00:37:12 oh Baz, do you know what I feel like a little bit sham laughing at him although it's a classic Barry Dodds it's cause he listens to this pod he listens to this pod and he's signed up to the Patreon which he didn he listens to this pod he listens to this pod and he signed up to the patreon which he didn't have to do and i don't think any other comedian's done but baz if you're listening and i know you are while you're fucking hoovering up for the 12th
Starting point is 00:37:36 time this week what's a moon lake I so I've been getting a bath quite a lot right now when I get a bath it's like every three days or whatever I get a shower one day shower another day then I'm in the bath when I'm in the bath I put the pad on and I just stay in the bath for like 40 minutes or whatever and I
Starting point is 00:37:59 was crying my eyes I was in the bath the other day on his podcast when it was revealed that he met Buzz Aldrin and said, what's the moon like? Shit. Now, we've had some suggestions of people. People are like, can you get so-and-so on? And we've sort of said we will, and I think it is the plan.
Starting point is 00:38:23 But right now in the shutdown that sounds easy but it's actually a bit of a fucking ball like but our plan is isn't it to get to get guests in studio post shutdown to actually get guests in studio yeah so cake heard every great i think becky erin would be really good from fucking licking bumhole fame like someone tweeted but Barry, Barry would be gold. It'd be amazing and I think you're absolutely right with that. A couple of people have messaged us like you mentioned you might be getting guests on at some point
Starting point is 00:38:54 it's worth us saying that there's a lot of podcasts at the minute that have gone, right we're doing this, that and the other and they're getting guests on and I've been a guest on some of them and I woke up to a few messages today and you know when you the other and they're getting guests on and I've been a guest on some of them and I woke up to a few messages today and you know when you wake up and you're a bit fuzzy
Starting point is 00:39:09 I messaged one and I messaged them again before and said was that message okay because someone asked me to do their podcast and I was like I can't be bothered that's what I said, I said I can't be bothered, I don't want to do it it's hard I just want to be honest to build chemistry over a camera and this podcast is built on us clearly being good mates and knowing each other and having a laugh and we can do that with
Starting point is 00:39:36 our with our comedy friends when they're in the room with us and post shutdown we can get them into a studio and it'll be fucking amazing and it'll be really really good and we don't want to waste guests getting them in via video link now where we'll lose that do you know what i mean it's it when you start a podcast like if you go back and listen to the that that like it's on it's on the patreon as as content on the patreon the very first pilot we did or even the hat Hacked Radio pod we did that, you learn someone's rhythm and everything, and we were getting quite good at that.
Starting point is 00:40:10 You have to work on it. You have to work on going, oh, that's funny. Let me tell you this story, but letting the story finish and then also being part of that story, that is made five times fucking harder by this Zoom malarkey. It really is. You lose so much of the natural rhythm of the chat like this isn't people aren't bothered because they're still listening and they're enjoying it but this is hard work i have to watch the screen and i'm trying to like make it so it's
Starting point is 00:40:37 not just like adam saying things and then me saying things you want to make it like a conversation but it's difficult i'm trying i end up clipping what adam's saying and him and it's because of this fucking video link to add someone else into it is going to be so difficult when you don't know the rhythm and they're nervy because they're like oh fuck i've not done these pog and you're like shit we've got someone in it's just too much hard work one day though and also like if we get let's say barry dodds him right now and he's got some hilarious stories that we can tap into because the conversation goes that way if we waste them without the chemistry via video link when he comes on for the second time in the studio it's we can't do them no yeah it's not it's not going to be there and i don't want to waste what is going to
Starting point is 00:41:23 be really really really good guest episodes by doing it via this, this works at the minute with me and you and I'm so looking forward to bringing some of our mates and colleagues in to this thing after the shutdown which going by the government's advice it might not be that long before the social distancing is eased enough
Starting point is 00:41:40 where we can get back in a room together I would be really surprised if you're not back in this studio in my house in three weeks me too yeah me too i think they might push another three weeks out because i'm everyone's been going through it differently but i mean i i think because of this because of a few things because i've got my family here because we've got a garden and whatever I'm so determined
Starting point is 00:42:07 with this podcast to just to use this lockdown as the as a springboard to basically better things
Starting point is 00:42:14 and I'm it's a lot of work like it's grind every day because what you don't see behind the scenes is me and Adam fucking messaging each other
Starting point is 00:42:23 and you don't want to message too much and piss each other up and you're doing more hours of video editing to get a three minute clip out it's fucking time i was yeah thank fuck i've uh updated the shit but uh i've got mates who haven't got this haven't got a podcast and they haven't you know they haven't got things set up as well and fuck me they're not in a great shape and i think the government are going to start reacting to that like i've i've had people go god how long do you think it's and you can hear it in the voice like how long how long do you think it's going to be because they're desperate i don't think it can be kept closed like this for much longer it can't the tide and opinion is changing so i i'm
Starting point is 00:42:59 on twitter a lot i spend a lot of time idly scrolling and I hate it and I'm addicted to this fucking cunt of a phone, but I can't help it. I can't put it down at times. I have to sometimes put my phone upstairs and go downstairs. Because if it's downstairs and I see it, I pick it up and I check my messages and whatever. And then when
Starting point is 00:43:20 I'm doing that, I go to Twitter and I'll see a tweet and I'll laugh and I'll go, oh, what's the next one? So for me to not use my phone, I have to leave it upstairs. But when I'm idly scrolling, you can sort of see how opinion changes. You see if and when it does. And a week ago,
Starting point is 00:43:35 especially 10 days to two weeks ago, people were like, stop being selfish cunts. Don't be going out. Don't be sunbathing in the park. Don't be doing this. Don't be sunbathing in the park. Don't be doing this. Don't be doing that. Listen to the government.
Starting point is 00:43:50 Stay in your house and we'll all be out dead soon. And there's still a few people like that, but there's a lot more quietness on that front now. And there's people going, I can't wait to see my mates. And then when there was rumours the other day that the government were going to let you nominate 10 people or two or three houses that you can go to, there was people going, that'll be great, won't it? Because that's what people want to do.
Starting point is 00:44:11 They want the first step of the exit strategy. And I think it's next week, isn't it? The government announce whether the lockdown's over or whether it's extended or whatever. Is it Monday or Tuesday? I can't remember exactly, but I think Monday night will make six weeks since the first announcement of the shutdown.
Starting point is 00:44:27 And I think the government, if they go, no, exactly the same for another three weeks, I think a lot of people are going to go, fuck this. Now, I'm not saying I support them. I'm not saying that at all. I'm not saying this should all be a free-for-all
Starting point is 00:44:41 and fuck the government. We can't be using our platform to encourage anything like that. I'm not saying that for one minute a free-for-all and fuck the government. We can't be using our platform to encourage anything like that. I'm not saying that for one minute. But I can see that happening. I can see people getting to the end of their tether, cooped up with people, stress, in the house, can't see their friends, the tide's turning,
Starting point is 00:44:58 and the government's going to have to do something about it. Yeah, and this is where politics comes into it. And basically, in Britain, the party in charge is the party of economics and the economy. So they have one eye on, like, we've done these bailouts and we've done a lot of help, more than nearly any other country in the world. We are getting a lot of help compared to Spain. They have to ease the shutdown in Spain because people are impoverished. They're like, we're on, this is frightening how bad this is going to be.
Starting point is 00:45:26 And then, what, going into a recession, they need to ease it. Here, they've already done a lot, but they want to be re-elected and they want to get the economy going. So I just, I cannot see, I know the numbers, the numbers are only just dipped. And people might be listening going, this is stupid because we need to keep fighting it. You're like, yes, but if there's a huge recession
Starting point is 00:45:45 and everyone's out of a fucking job, people are going to die from other things like poverty. So let's, I think, I don't, I can't see it being... There's a diet and abuse and everything. Like, things could get really bad if this goes on much longer. I don't trust the government. I don't like them. I think they're selfish.
Starting point is 00:46:09 I think the Tory party are despicable. I don't like them. I've got not 1% of support for them. I think they've handled this awfully. I don't support 99.99999999% of things they've done. I think they did a decent job
Starting point is 00:46:23 financially of going, look, we need you all to stay in. Here's some money. Shut the fuck up. I think they did a decent job of that. And then whenever there was a problem with it, they came back a few days later and whatever. But people are getting
Starting point is 00:46:37 angsty and it's going to be really, really interesting. Part of me actually wants the government to be like, nope, three more weeks, because I just want to see at what point people break and go, fuck this, I'm getting on it. The thing is, with being a Tory, though, it's not going to be Twitter that changes your mind, because they're like, we're Tories, and most people fucking hate us.
Starting point is 00:47:00 In fact, when the Tories won, you're like, how does this happen? Because I've been speaking to a lot of people. Are people secretly voting Tory? Is it like a secret? Like, oh, of course, Lib Dem. There's a Tory Twitter, like Black Twitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. House Twitter.
Starting point is 00:47:14 You have to show a picture of your Burberry fucking underpants to get on Tory Twitter. Look at that. Just over the cock ring. I've got my tweed G-string on. I'm on Tory Twitter. You have to show not only a horse, but the deeds of ownership of it. Yeah, the deeds of marriage.
Starting point is 00:47:36 Here's my horse, and here's the wedding certificate. What a lovely girl. What a beautiful wife. Best in show 2009. Ha ha ha ha! I, honestly, I think this is what's dangerous about the Tories. I know. Do you know what?
Starting point is 00:47:55 I really think they're selfish enough to be like, it's about being re-elected. And that, for me, because I'm young and because I'm not a risk, is going to be a help. I want to get shit back. I want to get out now so we can start the ball rolling on gigging and fucking working. That's important, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:48:09 Oh, I think I'm, oh dear, I've got a three-year-old outside. No, darling, I'm doing a podcast. I'm working, darling. She's fucking scary, man. When she's in a certain mood, mind covid19 i've got a fucking three-year-old crazy three-year-old daddy i've got to ask you a question jesus christ future tori my daughter mental um i i worry that people will turn on each other though if they try and do another three weeks the tories are unpopular they'll always be unpopular even when they're helping you out financially you're
Starting point is 00:48:48 still like i fucking hate tories it's just in our you know if you're from kind of any anywhere near from where we're from you're not going around going i'm proved or it's great but i worry that if they try and do another three weeks everyone will just start getting fucking snipey because the people snipe at the government anyway but as soon as someone's got a friend over then he gets vicious and it's going to start really causing a divide in like friendships neighborhoods you know like if you push another three weeks people are going to start disregarding it while some people are doing it and then the nastiness comes in and that's what i don't want i know the threat of the virus is real but let's be honest you don't want that awful divide where fucking friends and neighbors fall out because you were
Starting point is 00:49:31 taking a fucking piss and at the end of it no one actually got the virus it's just that nastiness from people perceiving people not doing it properly as well you know like old people are the most at risk and they've got to self-isolate and whatever, right? Let's say, like, an old person that isn't in a care home. 85-year-old Jimmy, right? 90-year-old Jimmy, whatever. He's got a family. He's got a daughter, a couple of sons.
Starting point is 00:49:58 He's got, like, six grandkids. They've all got two each. His life is only really worth living when he gets to see them yeah right if you're 85 90 your grandchildren often are your be all and end all and because your mates have died much longer you might not have that long left no at that age so if you have got let's say a year left two years left and you lose six nine or twelve months of that i've not been able to see your grandkids how many old people in that situation would go do you know what i'd rather die six months earlier but get to see me grandkids for the whole time.
Starting point is 00:50:47 I think it's a really, really good point. I can't speak for them. I'm just, I think in my, if I was in that situation, I'd be like, what's the fucking point?
Starting point is 00:50:55 My granddad did five weeks of isolation. He's 94. And my sister was visiting him through a window. My dad was the only one going in the house and basically got so bad after four weeks. His health deteriorated in four weeks as much as it has done in two years because he was just trapped on his own and it's just unhealthy. And so my dad was like, right, he's got to move in. So my dad picked him up, took him all like it's not loads of stuff. And he's now living at
Starting point is 00:51:25 my dad's in the front room that is because he was trapped and isolated and he he's he's so old that it's a bit different it's not like an 80 year old where you'd be like well you're quite youthful in some senses but you are definitely at risk he's super old but he was like fucking just get me out of here can't do it five weeks he's it my granddad 20 years ago but he couldn't do five weeks just stuck in the house how can you enforce another three weeks it and i'm and everyone's listening going it's ridiculous this you can't just abandon it no we're not saying that but i feel some measure it's got to go down a gear hasn't it i think for people's psychology but also the problem is it's not just another three weeks.
Starting point is 00:52:06 If they come out and said, I think people could handle that. If the government come out and went, right, we need another three weeks of total lockdown. That's what we need. And then in three weeks, you'll be able to go
Starting point is 00:52:18 to three other houses. But for the next three weeks, we need you to keep doing what you're doing because it's fucking working. But in three weeks, you'll get this. I think that's what people need from the government now. It's not just three weeks are the same.
Starting point is 00:52:31 Shut the fuck up and go away. We need to know in three weeks' time, what's the next step? I think people could handle another three weeks of this as long as they know there's light at the end of the tunnel because at the minute, we're not being shown that light. It's just keep walking in this fucking tunnel and hope there's a light at some point there's a lot of trust in it it's a lot of trust in a government you don't trust yeah but trust me we are doing the right things i mean ignore the fact that six weeks ago i was openly showing off about shaking
Starting point is 00:52:58 hands with covid19 sufferers and then i nearly died in intensive care because i'm a fucking bellend but trust me blindly we'll keep going it's really hard to trust them but if there's that like carrot at the end of the stick maybe that'll be enough i was quite there an informed debate where we become a political podcast? Should we change our category on iTunes? Because I think the comedy chart is quite competitive. But fuck me. We could fly up that political one. Dan and Adam's comedy career.
Starting point is 00:53:40 Adam doing topical. Dan doing political. Adam doing jokesical. Dan doing political. Adam doing jokes about Brexit. So, enough of that. Opinions. Back to the comedy. Specifically, Vauxhall Comedy Club. Doing these adverts makes me want to go to Vauxhall Comedy Club so much.
Starting point is 00:54:03 When the shutdown is over, when we're free, when venues are open again, if you like comedy and you're in London, or if you're visiting the Big Smoke, go and watch some live stand-up at the Vauxhall Comedy Club. It's just over the water, near the West End, really central. On a Friday and Saturday night, they have an amazing offer where they do as much booze as you can get, a bottomless booze comedy night. Amazing comedians from the tv from the circuit it's 90 minutes free wine cider beer and it's just 25 quid there's also
Starting point is 00:54:32 a spirit and mixer bottomless ticket and there's also an entry ticket that's just 10 pounds voxel comedy club is open monday to saturday and it's right next to the amazing voxel street food garden so obviously right now you can't go but as as soon as you can, get down there, enjoy yourself. Adam's played it. I'm looking forward to playing it. And in the meantime, hit them up on socials, at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Instagram, at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter,
Starting point is 00:54:55 and Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook. The show is 18 and over, so if you look young and fresh, take your ID. And if you look like me, fucking Grandad Dave, you'll get right in. See you there voxel comedy club nice one two mics two leads and a lot of time on their hands this is have a word i nearly sang for you i've got to stop doing that i know it's your thing oh go on go for it
Starting point is 00:55:20 it's time for have a word with adam and dan Dan Saying that all the problems that you have with your friends Forgot them, sort them out, and fucking fix them I really wish that one of us had written a second verse Tune! Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus! So, got some have words prepped
Starting point is 00:55:48 very serious order so this is from stay in witness I love it it's already a one syllable fuckingllable fucking name. Steve. But he's like, I'm not fucking wasting fucking breath on...
Starting point is 00:56:09 It's my name, Steve. There's two syllables. Yeah, but there's already a shorter version of Steven that's Steve. And he's gone, I'm not fucking... That's too long a syllable. Steve. No, but Steve is like an older name. is younger than it all right
Starting point is 00:56:26 there's no stay who's 60 there's a steve who's 60 right anyway good point i love it when you say things like that like the facts and i can't be arsed to argue with it there's no steve under 60 i'm like absolute horseshit let's just move on just a quick have a word. Could you please have a word with my wife because she thinks it's acceptable to piss in my stellar pint glass
Starting point is 00:56:54 of a night. Of a night when I'm in work because the lazy fuck can't be arsed walking to the toilet because it's dark. I'm sick of my water always smelling like a piss flap even after I've washed it ten times. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready.
Starting point is 00:57:21 I wasn't ready for flaps. Oh, God. I wasn't ready for flaps I think what's happening here is he's got a pint glass that he occasionally takes to bed and then he goes to work and maybe he's working nights, he must be, and then she's waking up in the night and maybe they've got a
Starting point is 00:57:38 downstairs toilet and she can't be arsed walking all the way down there, so she just grabs her fucking stellar glass gets her little piss pipe out, pisses in the glass and puts it back. And that means that when he goes to... Even though he swallows it out and gives it a wash, he's got Ribena with a hint of pissy, pissy flap flap.
Starting point is 00:57:56 Oh, God. Can I press all the buttons? Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Um... Janelle! Um... nasty bitch disgusting um Janelle um can I just say that it's all
Starting point is 00:58:09 psychological that like if you wash a glass ten times the piss the piss
Starting point is 00:58:16 smells gone and it the piss taste the hint of piss is gone but in his head
Starting point is 00:58:20 he's like no because I know I can taste it you know it's there oh she's dirty. I can taste it. You know, it's there. She's dirty.
Starting point is 00:58:29 But I've done it. I've done it. But I've done it to my own. I piss in the sink sometimes when I'm hungover. Oh, come on. Definitely. It's so good, though. You just rest your balls on the sink. You don't need to worry about pissing on the floor
Starting point is 00:58:45 anything you're just lazy oh it's fantastic it's a pleasure it's a play and then you just do a little swill of the taps to just wash it away that's like a little hand-controlled flush um yeah i'm gonna have one as a treat after the pod you know let's go and have a wee in the sink i don't don't annoy jade it's just not worth it there might be another three weeks of this and i don't want you to get murdered when the podcast is doing so well um i have weed in a glass through just total hungover fucking laziness but it's always been my glass i think you should it's you know although then I have washed it and put it back with the other glasses, I hope Laura never hears this episode
Starting point is 00:59:27 There are two types of Dan Nightingale, those that admit to pissing in glasses and the ones that get murdered Yeah Are you saying that she's wrong and she needs to pack it in or are you saying nah I understand it stay, have a wee with yourself and drink out of your
Starting point is 00:59:44 pissy glass kid I think we're all saying she's dirty and she needs to stop doing it but I feel like a bit of a fucking hypocrite but it's someone else's I mean Steve why don't you just move your fucking stellar glass also
Starting point is 00:59:58 get a new stellar glass it's like one for pissing one for stellar I keep my bedtime stellar glass next to my bed how else do you fucking sleep you have a pint of stellar like why is there always a pint of stellar next to the bed i don't think it's a pint of stellar but he takes the stellar stellar glass. Is she specifically going down... This is where I'm going to turn against her. If she specifically goes downstairs before she goes
Starting point is 01:00:30 to bed to get his stellar pint glass to then take it upstairs and use it as a medieval piss pot... No! You fucking lunatic. He's got a stellar pint glass, but he doesn't take Stella to bed with him. He takes water in a stellar pint glass. Right, right't take Stella to bed with him. He takes water in a Stella pint glass.
Starting point is 01:00:46 You fucking weirdo. No one's taken a pint of Stella to bed. And if he is, he's a fucking legend. He's now one of my three for tomorrow. All bedtime Stella stay. Stay, get back in touch with
Starting point is 01:01:04 us, lad. Do you take Stella to bed water or why is the glass there? I assume you take a little water or a blackcurrant or whatever to bed with you and that's why it's there. Oh, there's some really, there's something very depressing about the imagery of someone going off to bed and then taking a fucking, a beer to bed
Starting point is 01:01:20 in a glass, not even in a can. Jade texted me and said, if that's true, she's a fucking trampy bitch and she should live in the garden. Yeah, yeah, that's true. But she's just going to piss in the sand pit.
Starting point is 01:01:37 The kids are like trying to build castles. Dad, the castles smell of piss flaps. I didn't tell you by the way. I'm fucking done with me neighbour, mate. Me neighbour can get in the fucking bin. Right. Next door neighbour, right?
Starting point is 01:01:51 Yeah. Usually quite sound. Say hello. Don't know them that well, but, you know, say hello as they walk into their house when you catch each other, whatever. Oh, yeah. The other day,
Starting point is 01:02:00 went to take the dog for a walk. Now, there's no fence on it. We've got, like, a front yard. Got, like, a yard and a half of grass in front of all our houses. But there's no fencing at all, right? So the dog, my dog, went onto their grass to just sit
Starting point is 01:02:16 and wait for Jade to come out the house who was locking the door. Yeah. All the dog was there. Fucking neighbour opened their bedroom window and went, excuse me! My fucking kids play in that garden and i went right okay what's your point she went well i'm not appreciative of your dog going the fucking toilet in me garden i went but she isn't she went so she's not the dog's not going to toilet right now that's not what she's doing no she's not she's not you're telling me she's not i went no she isn't right sound and slam the
Starting point is 01:02:51 window fucking mouthy cunt right how thin i know you've got thin doors how thin are your walls because i'd love another text through but this time not from jade from the next one you can fuck off with your sit down pissing dog. Yeah, but she's not. The dog was just sat down. But you just try not to be so
Starting point is 01:03:10 fucking eggy. Yeah. Just shut up! Shut up! Did you tell me to shut up? Have you never seen me before?
Starting point is 01:03:19 Have you never seen a dog piss before? Dog was just sitting there waiting to go for a walk. Nasty old hag. Um, anyway. Show a song.
Starting point is 01:03:30 Yeah, boy. Song me up. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, so what I'm saying is listen, Steve's beard. Oh, look at you. Add to the closure. We've got the closure. You're like, do you want a song? Everyone's ready for the song. Adam, let me just tie a bow on that. Let me just tie a bow on that.
Starting point is 01:03:46 Just get yourself your own piss glass. Just have a glass for pissing him. Fucking hell. Before we do the song, those three TV or film characters that you'd like to go drinking with, either tweet them or send them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com And we'll read the best
Starting point is 01:04:01 suggestions out tomorrow as well as both mine and Dan's top three. We'll defo do that. I know sometimes we say we're going to do something and then we don't, but we will do that one. 100%. Today's artist is called Kieran Knowles. This song is a collaboration with a talented producer in San Francisco.
Starting point is 01:04:23 You can find the producer on all socials at stux.io That's S-T-U-X dot I-O and Kieran Knowles himself is at K-K-N-O-W-L-E-S
Starting point is 01:04:42 K-K-N-O-W-L-E-S Kieran Knowles, collaboration with Stux.io. And Kieran just wants to say big up to all the key workers holding this country together. I hope everyone, including you and Dan, stay safe and keep well. Thank you, Kieran. Your songs are bell to mate. I played it earlier. I really enjoyed it. It's called
Starting point is 01:04:58 The Line. Go and check Kieran and his producer out, and we will see you all in the morrow. See you tomorrow. Bye. Denise! Living with the dark inside your mind
Starting point is 01:05:13 Dig a little deeper in your heart to find the light It's okay we're all gonna have to fight sometimes You know you gotta hit the lows to feel It's okay, we're all gonna have to fight sometimes You know you gotta hit the lows to feel the highs But you can make it to the other side
Starting point is 01:05:35 Say it to yourself and everything will be fine, yeah You can make it if you give it a try Just be patient with it, take it it one step at a time, yeah You can make it to the other side Say it to yourself and everything will be fine, yeah You can make it if you give it a try You'll be surprised what you can do when it's all on the line So put it all on the line
Starting point is 01:06:00 Before you run out of time So put it all on the line So put it all on the line Before you run out of time So put it all on the line Put it all of the light Oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa Seeing all the darkness through your eyes It's there to make it hard for you to find the light It's okay, we're all gonna have to fight sometimes
Starting point is 01:07:01 But know you can win when you put it all on the line So put it all on the line So put it all on the line Before you run out of time So put it all on the line So put it all on the line So put it all on the line Before you run out of time
Starting point is 01:07:27 So put it all on the line Gotta put it, gotta put it all on the line, yeah Gotta put it, gotta put it all on the line, yeah Gotta put it, gotta put it all on the line, yeah Gotta put it, gotta put it all on the line, yeah Gotta put it, gotta put it on the line, yeah

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