Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #47 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 1, 2020

 Thanks to our sponsors Beer52.com, TransAlloy Wheels LTD and Lightwork Podcast Studio, follow us @haveawordpod and find us on YouTube. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And clap on 15. via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme. Past themes have been the beers of Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and many, many more. And they've kindly given our listeners an exclusive offer. You'll get a free case of eight beers, an award-winning beer magazine, and a tasty snack the second you sign up. They'll send them out in the post here. And you can't catch Corona from the post. All you have to do is pay a few quid for the delivery,

and you can cancel or pause your membership at any time. Sign up now at beer52.com slash word. That's our exclusive link. That's B-E-E-R 52.com slash W-O-R-D. You'll claim your free case of beer and for every person that signs up via that link only, they slide us a little bit of money. That supports the podcast.

It helps us out. It's win-win. So do us a favour, pause the pod here, go and do that now and then enjoy the episode. Nice one. See slide us a little bit of money. That supports the podcast. It helps us out. It's win-win. So do us a favour. Pause the pod here. Go and do that now and then enjoy the episode. Nice one. See you in a bit.

Fucking did it in one take, bro. Yeah, man. Now, I'm getting the word not. Cha! Upset me. Nasty bitch. Catch me outside.

How about that? I'm big-boned. I'm heavy-structured. I'm hung low. If I pull my shit out this whole room, nasty bitch. Catch me outside, how about that? I'm big-boned. I'm heavy-structured. I'm hung low. If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. With video on YouTube, on social media, at Have A Word Pod.

You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. Have a word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together. Hello, mate. Oh, happy day. I am getting addicted to coffee again.

What you know, though, you know yourself, you're an intelligent man you know yourself where's your cut off because 9 30 p.m if you've not listened to the episode guys about four days ago adam had a strong ass coffee from his sexy ass coffee machine and he was up for i think it was about a day and a half like it was a bad one what's your thought of tonight I have my first coffee as soon as I go down in the morning wake up brush my teeth coffee straight away because who wants to wake up without

some sort of intoxicant what are you going to just wake up and live fuck that noise I want something I want legal sippy cocaine that's noise I want something I want legal sippy cocaine that's what I want I wake up go and have my coffee as soon as I go down

with my breakfast which today I put the effort in and made myself a bacon sandwich oh mate I had such a nice like bacon is so nice I can't believe i don't eat it or like i can't believe i'm not eating bacon right now do you know what i mean if there was right my next door neighbor was just a normal next door neighbor but in their garage they had like a like

a bacon grill where they just made bacon butters i'd have bacon two meals out of three meals a day. But it's because I can't be fucked sorting the mess of bacon out. You know, you've got the fucking foil and then it's all fucking jazzy. It stinks the kitchen out. I love a bacon sandwich. I just can't be fucked with the... It's just easy to be like, toast, jam, easy. Cornflakes, bowl.

I fucking love bacon, but I just I'm a lazy cunt. What are you using foil for? On the grill. I grill it. We grill bacon. I used to pan fry the bacon, but

I much prefer under the grill but then you get that awful burnt out white bacon jizz that's left over and I love bacon but that is pretty bad what's left on the foil see I pan fry it and then kitchen roll it

to get some of the grease off that's a very healthy option I think you've just noticed what I'm drinking. Oh, he's got a turn of a shandy. Honestly, I'm having a fucking great day so far, Adam. Continue this bacon butty chat. And can I just say, I don't want to one-up you in any way. It's not a competition, but it's our anniversary today.

And God bless that woman out there. We might have had three spats in 48 hours, but I'm telling you what, she's woken up liking me again, and it's our anniversary, our four-year wedding anniversary, and she made me a bacon sandwich. God bless that woman. That's why I married that bitch.

Oh, shit. You got a bacon sandwich, and you didn't have to make it? Oh. That's the dream. Oh, someone else had to... You didn't have to buy it. You didn't have to make it.

You didn't have to clean the... Oh, Jesus. Yeah,'t have to make it. You didn't have to clean the... Oh, Jesus! Yeah, I pan fried it today. I do sometimes grill it, but when I grill it, I do it on... I've got a George Foreman. You know, one of them.

So I grill it on that and then you just turn it on to get it hot and then you wipe it. Isn't it mental that the boxer from the 1970s george foreman his name is now a low fat cooked meat grilling thing so if you went just went yeah i had a bit of bacon this morning but

i've got a muhammad ali so i just did it i just did it and i was gonna to do it in the Joe Calzaghe but I just I thought I'd do it in the Muhammad Ali you know it's so fucking I mean once I tried in the Prince Nazeem it looked great

but it was well annoying like it's just the most mental thing that ever was like oh yeah yeah the George Foreman it's fucking so bizarre

what's your morning what's go on this one I've Mike Tyson'd it I've made a real pig's ear of it hey

hey wait wait he had jokes he bit someone there not in the Holyfield bastard bitch let me

what's your morning I'm now intrigued by your I get up I get out of bed I brush a comb against my head I have a bacon sandwich.

What's your sort of, do you have a set morning ritual? No. Do you not? I don't deal well, right, with routine. Right. I don't like having a routine.

It makes, everything just gets repetitive to me. I think that's one of the reasons I love what we do for a living usually so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This week is so different to the one before a lot of the time. But at the minute, I've got a routine sort of thing because there's nothing to do.

What else are you going to do? I'm doing it different today. You're like, there is no... This is why I'm having a turbo shanty now now i think it's just trying to break up the similarity because the days are so not the monday friday monday whatever it doesn't count for shit so yeah go on go on i like it i'm totally the same i like the change up in the week so at the minute what i have got a bit of a routine, I get up I normally I check my WhatsApp messages I've normally got quite a few by the time

I get up because I get up around midday at the minute because I'm going to bed quite late so I get up, I've normally got there'll be a couple of my WhatsApp groups that I've got 20 messages in or something, I might have a couple from you another mate, whatever check my emails, anything super urgent i get back to straight away um and then i have a little

mindless scroll that normally takes about an hour i'm normally in bed after i wake up for between half an hour and an hour oh my god then i'm up brush my peggies wipe my face downstairs coffee and then either depends like sometimes i'll just skip breakfast and go straight to lunch at that time i'll have like a sandwich or a salad yeah that's not yeah that's not as maverick as it sounds when you're waking up at lunchtime like i yeah like you're like i think i'll skip breakfast you know why because it is lunchtime what did you have for lunch cornflakes you don't know. But if I do have lunch then, I'll also have a second lunch.

Right, right, right, right. Just as you finish there. And now it's time for lunch. Yeah. So, I'll have me coffee with me breakfast. Then I normally have another coffee either just before

or while we're doing the pod. Like, I've got me coffee here right now. Right. Made with my Sage Barista Express machine. Right. Lovely stuff. And then after this, I'll either have,

if I've had breakfast, I'll have my lunch after this. And if I've already had lunch, I'll have my second lunch after the pod. And then I've been

having my tea, like my dinner, my main meal of the day. Yeah. Between 8 and 10 p.m. Oh, my God. meal of the day yeah between 8 and 10 p.m oh my god part part of the contrast of our lives is i think why this works i mean at the heart of it we're both comedians who like to hoof gigs that's why we i think that's why we got on initially i hope this isn't this bit doesn't end up being the video we used to say because i've just picked an absolute rasper of a bogey

yeah and that's also couldn't give a shit that i'm so not bothered about nose picking but i also i love the contrast of our lives like we're both comics but you're basically living my life 10 years ago i'm probably living yours 10 years in your future yeah and i love the contrast of our lives like it you know when you were saying i get up and there's you know i get up about like there was the other day when you had that insomnia because of the coffee we were exchanging fucking whatsapps while i was waking up and you was just you were just about to go to bed you're like and that would make more sense to me if you had like a drug problem, like a casual drug problem. Actually, Daniel, this is where your knowledge lets you stuff down because I don't know if you know this, but coffee is a drug.

So technically it is a drug problem. Yeah. Coffee is a... Try taking Kenco to some of the parties I used to go to. I don't think you... Right, we're having an after party. Yeah, quality. What have you brought?

Fucking Nescafe, you fucking animal. But the contrast of our lives. Are you a morning plopper when you've got up? Are you straight to the lav? and my bowels as we've discussed before oh yeah sorry i forget it too regular as they can be so sometimes yeah i wake up needing a shit and sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night for a poo which is fucking awful 4 a.m poo when you've been asleep for three hours already is just a weird one

so there's not yeah that's how much i hate routine even me bowels don't have one i know you say you hate routine but i'm sure you might give up that bit of lack of routine you know like if you could if you could just go in and sort of select which bits of routine you lose. And I think really no one wants to wake up in the middle, like mid dream, that awful bit in a dream, you know, when you, I mean, it's happened to me as an adult, but when you're a kid and you're dreaming and you're like in the dream, you start needing a wee and then it's really frustrating because you can't quite wee in your dream. And then you find somewhere to wait. And then you wake up like, Oh, I was just about to piss the bed i mean in my dream i was in like narnia and i was about to whiz into a bush and

there was a lion going do the weed dan you're fine um but yeah that's that's hard if it's you need a poo i think the only person i've ever told what i'm about to tell you is jade because it's hard to articulate it without sounding fucking ridiculous, but I've told you like, my left eye stays open a little bit when I'm asleep. I've told you that, right? Love it. So, when I'm dreaming sometimes, you know, just before I wake up,

you know that last bit of your dream? The rapid eye movement. No, there'll be like shapes in my dream that mimic what are in my eyeline in me room. Yeah. So, like, if I'm, like, asleep and me eyes open a little bit and there's, like, a box here, then in me dream there might be, like, a TV here. Yeah.

And if, like, Jade's in front of me trying to wake me up, that might be, like, someone else in the dream. And then if there's someone over here that's, like, maybe like maybe i've got like a football on the bed or near the bed there'll be like a a globe or something in the dream something else that matches right yeah yeah with me dreams because my eyes stay there but my dreams sometimes match the physical world which i'm actually most people are just seeing like the either the light or dark of light hitting their eyelid. Most people in that situation were going to be like, oh, it's getting light because the morning light's hitting their eyes. And that's why I think you should marry Jade, honestly.

There's loads of reasons I really like Jade. The fact that she doesn't buy a 15-inch black dildo to just keep under the bed, not for her, I'm not being pervy, not for her personal pleasure, but when you're coming out of sleep and she knows you're doing that slightly eye-open REM dream, just starting wafting a big black dick in your weird asleep periphery.

So you keep waking up like, she's like, you're all right, babe, so I keep having some really weird dreams about massive black dicks. Like, oh, God, I wonder what that means. And she's tucking away a big fucking... What do you think it means, Jade? Don't know.

He's probably gay. Don't know. But, hmm. I woke up... Has Laura got dildos? No. Not a dildo. Not a dildo.

And if she does, fuck me, she's hiding them really well. They must be like murder dildos, you know? Like you'd be jealous of the big plastic dick. No, I don't give a... Yeah, I don't know. Without one... I feel dildos is a really tricky one to talk about because i've had girls girlfriends before go no and i think to make me feel better about my you know four and three

quarter inch dick or whatever i've got they've been like this is the size that i like and i'm looking at it going that's a failed dildo that's like that's like a prototype for the proper thing what is what have you bought and i think they've done it to be like, this is the size I like, so it's perfect. But at the same time, I've seen the full Rampant Rabbit, and without wanting to do hacky 2006 stand-up, to see the fucker in full action, with the balls and then the little ears,

and then the... Like, it is a... It's full on, innit? It's a bit full on. Like, I don't know. There is a level up that I'm talking about, the frightening level, where, I don't know if you've ever seen this in porn,

where it's like dildo porn. And I don't find, whatever, whatever you're in the mood... We've said this before. When you've got a boner it's amazing which way the pervy wind will take you there are some times where you're like well i did not know we would be enjoying this today but there are some dildos i've seen in porn just once in a while where i want to stop the the video and write in to try and save the girl from doing what she's about to do to

herself it looks like she's found like she's been has she been hanging out with isis and someone's giving her an old faulty bazooka head like no we cannot use it use bazooka you don't use it because it's you're like what are you doing to yourself I almost feel like the old woman that you might not become is going please love don't do that to yourself you're going to give yourself fucking nightmares when you're 68 I think

the fact that dildos are that good and rabbits and stuff like that is a testament to how much women straight heterosexual women need men. They need us. And we need them. We need them too, absolutely.

But, you know these women who are like, I don't need no man, I'm fucking fine by myself, I've got my sex toys, I've got this, I've got that. It's bullshit. Because they do things that we can never possibly do, those machines. My dick is never going to be able to fucking twizzle at the end. It's never going to do that.

It's never going to grow two arms and flick the bean while it's going in and out of the vagina. Yeah, and if it does, it's not a good thing. It's not a good thing. You need medical assistance for that. You've got...

The roaner's done something to your dick. There's something about real dick that is just so much better than dildo dick. Because otherwise we'd be obsolete by now. They wouldn't come near us because they'd be like, I've got this. They don't fucking need you. They need us.

So all this fucking, I don't need any man shit can stop now because Rowie's solving. Yeah, but rabbit, rampant rabbits don't pay the council tax, do they? So. Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Disgusting. Rampant rabbits don't pay the council tax, do they? Char! Upset me! Nasty bitch! Disgusting! That's me trying to get sex when Laura hears this.

That's for the 180 women that just turned the podcast off. Sorry, guys. I'm just being a dick. Hit, hit, right. We're in choppy territory here and I want to tread carefully why

what no no no what I'm about to say what's the score with lesbians using strap-ons Adam because

there's like a is it like what do they call a pure lesbian that's never had sex with a man like a a gay woman like, what do they call a pure lesbian that's never had sex with a man? Like a gay woman who worked out... A pure breed.

A pedigree. Here she is, Saskia, best in show. Look at her short, cropped, peroxide blonde hair. There's a lesbian couple who listen to this, isn't there? Like, there's a few lesbians who listen, but there's an actual lesbian couple. Yeah, and there's my wife, who might well end up as one if she keeps listening to this isn't it like there's a few lesbians you listen but there's an actual lesbian couple yeah and there's my my wife who might well end up as one if she keeps listening to this what what's the score with that because you're like we don't need men we don't want men

uh men no not what we're about women pure especially the militant lesbians if they if they can get so political within their own sexuality as to say, you're a pure lesbian because you've never had the old, you know, the danger dick. You've literally been a lesbian since you were, what, 14 or whatever, pre-sex. I'm so glad you said teen. Four. How would you know if you had a lesbian at four but she's like god almighty look at chloe she really loves pink do you want to play netball oh fuck off i'm playing rugby

she's got the teacher in her headlock it's all right mr davis we'll get help um what what's the score with them using strap-ons because isn't that basically quite phallic that's basically gone we don't need men we're not we don't just you know the woman is pure this is what we're about anti-man and then all of a sudden we're pretending we've got dicks i mean is that well they don't want a man they just want to be penetrated don't they they still want the feeling of a big fat thing going in and out of their booty hole or their fluty hole a big fat thing boozy hole and floozy hole i'm definitely calling them what's a fluty?

Which one's... Oh, yeah, sorry. I was going to say, which one's... You're the only other one. The booty hole. Which one's which? I know what a booty hole is, but I can't for the life of me.

I want a fluty hole. I mean, I play the flute with my mouth. I imagine the fifth dillgolgolv in here. I would imagine a strap-on gives lesbians a way to have sort of like missionary intimate lovey-dovey sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they want that bit, they want the

closeness and the missionary and the connection and the chemistry and a strap-on can help them do that. Alright, thanks. I didn't know you were going to be like uh speaking for the lesbian community i'm definitely that's what it is yeah no you're right i think you're bang on i just i'm just

intrigued by it if any of our the reason they can't get that because that's not the way god intended it to be oh jesus you done ruined it you were you were about to play lesbian gigs then just till the right at the end right at the end you fucked it into a wall that's a damn shame there i think i get on quite well with the lesbians i think the lesbians like me i appreciate a lot of what they do. You know? Because they think you are one. You've got the big glasses with the thick frame. You've got the bum fluff on your chin. The small tits. You could get away with wearing a sports bra.

Yeah. Slide right in. I like American football. I can't play it. Oh, God. I'd love to be a lesbian. If you were a woman, would you be a lesbian? Well, yeah.

I don't know. I would. If I turned you into Amanda Rowe right now... Yeah. Click. You know? Yeah. It's you, but you're in a woman's body.

You're Amanda Rowe. No one knows. You've always been Amanda Rowe. It's just a weird, you know, omnipotent sort of fucking universe switch. So I don't go and see my dad and he's like, something's different. Yeah. a weird, you know, omnipotent sort of fucking universe switch. I don't go and see my dad and he's like, something's different. Yeah. Carl doesn't come back from Japan and go,

lad, what the fuck have you done in there, owner? We did a sex change at home. Do you know what I mean? It was either that or gardening and we've not got much outdoor space. But I'm still exactly as I am now. No, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no no no no no i don't mean physically no you're more like a woman you've got slightly smaller tits less belly and you've got a you know a five inch vagina um no you're a woman you're a woman you look like you know if you had

a sister you'll look like that okay yeah but mentally am I still as I am right now? Exactly. Everyone else in the world knows, but I don't know why we're... I'm not lesbian, am I? I'm lesbian because I'm not attracted to men. But would you not want to feel how that feels? What? Just getting fucked?

Just getting a willy in there. Yeah, of course, you go out there, you're le les it up. Oh, my God, there's a really confident young gay woman on the Liverpool lesbian scene. She's called Amanda. She's really fucking good at stand-up. I tell you what, you get live at the Apollo then.

And what... Would you just want to try the dick once? You know? Oh. Not unless something changed within my brain. I'm telling you right now. I can say you'd take a dick. I'd take a dick.

To Danielle Nightingale. Danielle Nightingale. I mean, in this thing, Laura leaves me because she's like, didn't sign up for this. I'd check. I'd see. I'd go for it. I'd give. I'd see. I'd go for it. I'd give it a try.

Would you? Would you want a big dick? No. Would you want like an average one? No. Or a small one? You want to start a dick. You do.

I don't want to go up to... It's like when you play computer games. You don't... I just want a nice little eight-year-old dick to start me off. I'm going to see where we go. Also, if you're going to be a paedophile, be a paedophilic woman, because it's honestly about 15% of the stigma. Oh, God.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean with a starter dick, though? You don't want to end up on a professional dick, do you? Straight away? You're not going for fucking Mandingo straight away, are you? Oh, what if? Go on. fucking mandingo straight away, are you? Oh, what if like, big dick is as good as

the women say it is? Like, well better than normal, average me and you dick, right? So, what happens is you've become a woman. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna try a bit of dick. Yeah, yeah.

Where am I going? Where am I going? New woman bit of dick yeah yeah where am I going newwomanwantsadick.com alright I was going to wear the spoons so you've took a four and a half inch five inch erect dick which is normal which is average isn't it Adam

it's about average that probably if everyone's being honest if you need it to be yeah Which is average, isn't it? Adam. It's about average, that. Probably. If everyone's being honest. Okay. Oh, I can't clout you. If you need it to be, yeah. And then you're like, oh, this isn't for me.

And you never have dick again. And then you go through your whole life feeling unsatisfied because you don't know that it's not dick that's the problem. It's that specific dick. You should go in and try and find a weapon immediately. Yeah, it's not got the hard-to-reach places. And you should go to and try and find a weapon immediately. Yeah, it's not got the hard-to-reach places.

And you should go to the Congo. Oh! Either way. Congolese pipe. Stop the fucking pod. If you've not listened to the episode where Adam went on the internet to check which country has the biggest dick,

that, out of left field, might have tipped you over the edge of what is allowed. I honestly think me, as a woman, wanting an eight-year-old dick, was sort of, in context, it was still viable. But if you didn't have the callback of the Congolese thing, you'd be like, nope, boys, that's where I'm out. The scost time!

No, no, no, no, no. Who's starting in the Congo? No one's starting in the Congo. I'm starting in... China. I'll start with the Japanese dick. Why? Well, because they've got...

No, no, that's the stereotype, isn't it? Yeah, but that's... You can't just go with a stereotype. You've got to have facts to back it up. What are you talking about? I can tell you right now that the biggest dick on the planet is Congolese.

Yeah, all right. You don't know for a fact that Japanese is. You're just going off an age-old stereotype in which Asian men have been emasculated by Western society. Yeah, but I've watched the videos. It's not that they're not big, they're not massive. You can't see on Japanese ones because they all get blared out. Yeah, they do as well.

It's weird that, isn't it, in Japanese porn, where they pixelate the dick and then just come all over their faces i hate how the girls like 4k 4k come you can see the bubbles like forming on their eyelashes i show you a penis it's like the little Japanese dicks are in, like, Witness Protection or something. Like one of them crime documentaries. We had to blur this dick out. Just go on the internet for me. Just for... I know we've got a crack on, but just for me,

put in smallest dicks worldwide, nationality. If this is Japan, I'm fucking down in this turbo shanty. Come on. Who's... Go on. Before you do it, should we guess some small dick countries? I would love you to do that, yeah. Israel.

No, I think they were quite big, you know. I think that was on the last one we looked at. Papua New Guinea. It fucking is, isn't it? It fucking is. A small... I'll tell you what. I'll give you

a tenner if you can guess the smallest penis on average in the world by nation. Number one. Right. Will you

give me the continent? Asia. Yes, mate! That's worth a fiver. I'm halfway there with Japan, but it's not Japan. What is it?

Now, Taiwan and Hong Kong, do they count as China? Or are they independent nations? No, they can count as China. Yeah, so it's not one of them. Ready, ready, ready, ready. Korea. North Korea.

Yes, mate! Yes, mate! What I love about this is that North Korea lied and told their own people that they won the World Cup, but they haven't lied about having the smallest dick in the world. You know, if you go on the internet, it's probably not that good in North Korea. If you type in who's got the biggest dick in the world, it's literally, there's two tiers.

North Korea, 17 inches. You're strong, you're big. Communist dick, so big. And everywhere else is tiny. I've got a league table up here. Right? And it's split into four categories. Red, orange, yellow, and green. Red being the smallest sticks in the world.

Green being the biggest. Okay. And then orange second smallest, and yellow second biggest. So, what I want from you. Right. Double or nothing on the tenor. Right?

Fucking, I should just keep the tenor. You can if you want. But I reckon our listeners want you to gamble. Yeah, it's not in the nature of the fun of the podcast, is it? I'm too turbo shandy, isn't it? I'll be like, I'll keep the tenor, thank you, Adam. I'm just glad to be on Have A Word podcast. It's really helped me through the shutdown.

See you soon. So, what I want from you is I want you to name. You can't go for Congo. You can't go for North Korea because you know that the Congo is the biggest and you know that North Korea is the smallest. I want you to guess a country that's in the red zone, a country that's in the orange, a country that's in the yellow, and a country that's in the green.

You've got to get all four right, but you can have up to eight guesses in total. Okie doke, here we go. First, in the red zone, Japan. Correct. Yes! Seven guesses left. In the orange zone.

In the green. In... No, no, no, no. I want to do the extremes first, because they're the easiest. Okay. And this is pro, this is positive borderline racism. Ivory Coast. It's not there.

Now, I'll tell you right now, it's not in any of them. So it means it probably wasn't included in the survey. You're still losing a guess. Oh, no, no! Oh, come on! Hey, I want a technicality! How can I lose a guess if you can't tell me I'm right or wrong? I need to keep the guess. Well, it wasn't whether it's got the biggest stick in the world, it's whether it's in the green zone, and it's not in the

green zone. Oh, you're a fucking stickler! Just because you've lost a league... Sorry, mate. Right, well, then I'm going to play it. But the thing is, this is hard because I want to pick another African nation, but I'm worried that they're not going to be in the table now. Nigeria. Fuck it, Nigeria.

Nigeria. It's not in the green zone. Give me a break, guys. What am I going to do? Go around Africa losing all these guesses? One sec. How many African... Nigeria is in the yellow zone.

So it is on here. So you're now down to five guesses and you've got three to get. Motherfucker! If you guess another one and it's not on it, then it won't take a guess off you. So you essentially lose half a guess if you get one that's not on it, then I won't take a guess off you. So you essentially lose half a guess if you get one that's not on it at all. Right, listen.

If it's not on the league table, you've got to give me a break. Because you can't... Okay, so you've got six guesses left. You've only got one right so far, which was Japan. With 4.3 inches on average. Right, well well I'm just

going to get this green boxed off I'm going to go around Africa and they're not if they're not on the league table Chad it's not on the table

right who's near the Congo Somalia it's not on the table Jesus fucking H Christ Somalia. It's not on the table. Jesus fucking H Christ. I'll tell you right now, there's some African countries in the yellow

and in the orange zone. So it's not necessarily a safe bet. All right. Green. Brazil. Come on, Brazil. Come on, Brazil Come on Brazil Yes Come on, how many guesses left I've got six You've got five guesses

And you've got two to get One from the yellow, one from the orange So yellow is the second biggest Category and orange is the second smallest So yellow Is quite big, orange is quite small. Yeah. Right. I'm going for the quite big countries.

I'll tell you right now, just to give you a bit of extra information. Orange ranges from, on average, 4.7 inches to 5.5, and yellow ranges from 5.6 to 6.2 inches on average. I mean, I just, no offence, my Asian brethren, I can't go Asia. And I just, what is the point of going North American because they're essentially, oh, that's your best chance at like a mixed bag

I'm gonna go United States of America for the yellow quite big come on guys no they are in the orange zone you're down to four guesses slightly below average dick motherfuckers

5.1 right I'm going for Germany I've seen the porn, it's pretty decent I'm going for Germany in the yellow Come on you dirty Germans That is correct You've now got three

No, two shots left Two guesses you've got Oh god You've now got three... No, two shots left. Two guesses you've got. Oh, God. This is for £20. And you've got two shots to try and guess a country that on average has a dick size between 4.7 and 5.5 inches. Two guesses.

Who don't I like? I don't like Russians. And I'm allowed to say that because they're white in your head. But I think... You think Russians are going to have small dicks? It is cold, isn't it? Somewhere cold. What do you reckon?

Oh, God. Maybe I'll go more Asian. I'm going to go... I think Indians might have small willies as well. Meet me halfway. Oh, I don't know. I'm so into this. Right.

I'm going to go. I'm going to go Indian. I'm going to go India. I'm going to play the numbers. There's loads of them. India. Yeah. You are going to play the numbers. There's loads of them. India. Yeah? You are down to one guess

because India, on average, is four inches, and that is in the red zone. I've got little dicks. You've got one guess left. You've got to guess a country on the planet. This is my favourite game I've ever played, by the way. A country on the planet that, on average,

their dick size is between 4.7 and 5.5 inches, which is orange zone. Come on, Dan Nightingale. Oh, that feels like an unfortunate choice of wording when we're doing this game. Come on, Dan Nightingale. Egypt. It's come from nowhere.

It's come from absolutely nowhere. Come on. I'm sorry, Dan Nightingale. You're going home a loser today. Egypt is in the yellow zone with an absolute whopper of 6.2 inches. It's almost in the green zone. I nearly went. Can I tell you where I was nearly going to go?

Wales. Where? But it's not. Well, United Kingdom. Please tell me we're not in there. That would have been correct. Do you know what? I will lose the tenner because I would not do that to us.

I can also tell you, Russia would have been correct as well. I played you. I played you I played you Now Who's been measuring our dicks? That's a genuine question Who's been measuring our dicks? Never mind When she pops in in the night when you're asleep

She puts a tenner under your bed And she measures your dick Now under your bed and she messages you dick. Now, I've got an option for you. Oh, you're going to throw me a lifeline. I am. So, I've got an option for you to win your tenner back. I feel more drunk now. I think the adrenaline's got me drunk.

Go on. Well, it's the booze. I've got an option to win your tenner back, okay? Go on. But if you lose, you owe me a tenner because we're currently at zero. So it's another £10 bet. I will tell you the name of a country,

and you've got to tell me what zone it's in. Oh, mate, that's not good. I'll pay you for a fiver for that. That's not good. That's not good odds, is it, for a fucking tenner? You little, look at you, you little school-ground sweetie salesman. No, listen, listen, I'll give you some fucking nerds and a push pop,

but you've got to see me right, all right? Okay, so how about this? If you get it wrong, you owe me a tenner. If you get it right, you get 20. Okay? I'll give you a country. Now, I'll remind you of the four zones. We've got the red zone, which is

3.8 to 4.6 inches. We've got the orange zone, which is 4.7 to 5.5 inches. We've got the yellow zone, which is 5.6 to 6.2 inches. And we've got the green zone from 6.3

to 7.1 inches, on average. Or, commonly known as the fucking lie zone. Do you want to play? For a chance to win 20, but maybe lose 10 pounds. Right. I'll do this. I'll do this. Halve the money, tell me the country,

and I'll decide if I'm going to play. What about that? Because the 10 and 20 is a good deal. 10 and 10 is a good deal. But the odds are still going to be me losing the tenner because this is the most difficult of the games, right? Give me the name of the country, and I will choose whether I'm going to play or not, okay?

Okay. I could lose five, I could win ten. Is this still the first section? Yeah. Yeah, it's been the good one. I really should drink Turbo Shandy more. I don't know what you're drinking. Coffee. I think we've found our form here, mate. Panama.

Panama. Oh, you sneaky little cunt. Do you want to play or do you want to pass? Do you want to bet £10 on the odds of 2-1 or do you want to pass? So I can lose a five or win a tenner. Oh, you want to cut it to five and ten.

Okay, cool. It's fair because you've given me the choice. a winner tenner oh you you want to cut it to five and ten okay cool it's fair because you've given me the choice now we'll have a word from our sponsors I'm going to leave it there it's been really fun playing

thank you no of course not you fucking bell sniff are you playing yeah financially I want to get too fucked

right okay good Panama Panama let me think it out for everyone let me tell you what I know about Panama Are you playing? Yeah, financially, I want to get... Right, okay, good. Panama. Panama. Let me think it out for everyone. Let me tell you what I know about Panama. Not a fucking lot.

It's a Caribbean island. One of the big ones. No, it's not a Caribbean island. It's one of the countries between South America and North America. It's just under Costa Rica, Panama, all that shit. Yeah? The border of North and South America passes through Panama. So Venezuela to the South?

Yeah. North is what? Costa Rica, some shit like that. Right, okay. Now, they've had some travellers through there, haven't they? But they've had some... I love the thought that our listeners

are listening right now shouting like, orange, yellow, green, red! I tell you right now, you're too close to Brazil, genetically, to be red. You can't... If Brazil's in the green,

the genetics of that have come down through North America. You know, the Native American Indian has become the Native South American. Come on, there must be some native dick. Right, okay. On a technicality, could you tell me where Spain are in the colour table?

Is that allowed? I'll do that for you. Right. Spain are in the colour table? Is that allowed? I'll do that for you. Right. Spain are in the orange category. Second to bottom, 4.7 to 5.5. So here, this is my math, right? This is how I'm working it out. This is the workings.

Conquered by the Spaniards, I think. I'm guessing. They speak Spanish, don't they? Yeah. Got the genetics of that Brazilian native dick. So that's green divided by

orange equals yellow. I've lost the money. Final answer? No, I'm going orange. You want to go down to orange? I want to go down to orange.

You sure? Yes, I fucking do, mate. Got to phone a friend? No, I haven't got any friends. Do you want to ask the audience? No, it haven't got any friends. I'm gonna ask the audience. No, it's my fucking three-year-old child. You're wrong. Oh, fuck me.

But if you'd have said yellow, I'd have been right. No, you'd have still been wrong. It's green. They've got 6.2 inches of pipe! 6.4? Sorry, 6.4. Hanama are bigger than Brazil. I should have never,

never taken that bet. You know why? Because he picked it because it was an unlikely green. I'm going to spend my fiver on a frame for a picture of a Panamese dick. Is it Panamese?

Panamanian. Is it? Panama? What's the collective noun? I'll burn your ma, lad, with me fucking orange zone dick. Screen dick, mate. Get the dick zone right. No, I've got an orange one.

I want to measure my dick. Listen, I know why I'm acting like this. Why are you acting like this? I want two coffees. What's in your coffee? It's really strong Colombian shit. Adam, I'm not... Listen, I don't do it much, but when we're out shit. Adam, I'm not... Listen, I don't do it much,

but when we're out of the shutdown, I'm ringing someone. I'd love to do cocaine with you one day. Jay did leave me. Would she? Yeah. Oh, is she? No, no, drinks. Oh, really?

Well, you can do them off someone else's tits. Get a Panamanian. We've gone 40-odd minutes. We need to have a word from our sponsors. Yeah, we do. Where are we going? Is this going to be an epic? Right, okay.

Trans alloys. Blah, blah. Now then, lids, I want to tell you about Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Now then lads, I want to tell you about Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car bodywork and customisation services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire. Basically, these guys can sort your wheels out. And if you're listening to this thinking, well, I'm not like a boy racer. I'm not that bothered about my car. Mate, I drive a Volvo.

And after the fucking rona, I'm going to these guys at Trans Ilo wheels limited when I'm gigging in Yorkshire and I'm gonna get them to sort out the alloys that are all scuffed up and fucked on my Volvo v40 so even if you've got a sensible dad mobile or you've inherited your Nana's banger soup up the wheels get them sorted if you part like a bellend get them tied it up make them look smarter go the full hog get them jazzed up, get them glitzy, get them gold. Just live your life through your alloy wheels.

They can add value to your car and make it look fucking smart. They use the same techniques as the biggest car manufacturers and they offer powder coating, diamond cutting, painting, new tires, acid stripping and shot blasting, tire fitting and removal. They do car body repairs,

and they have a pickup and delivery service. They also do insurance work. These guys have got amazing reviews online. Come and get your wheels souped up, changed, and refurbished. And this is the best bit. All Have A Word listeners will receive 25% off everything. I'm going. I'm getting my saving. These guys are amazing.

Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Get them on Facebook, Inst facebook insta online the lot nice one lids i don't know about you but i'm feeling triggered it must be have a word with adam and dave i honestly think we have just stumbled across a new feature which is where adam plays quiz master on the kind of stupid quiz and game show that will never be. As podcasters, what are you allowed to do? Everything. What should you do?

Not try and compete with the mainstream. Your sales pitch is you can say and do what those fuckers can't do. Yeah. That I think we've stumbled across, Adam, as the weirdest pervy game show host going, come on, play the game, play the game, ladies and gents. I'm gutted it's over, because we've got to do more shit.

What have you got for the middle section, Daniel? What have you got, mate? First of all, I've got a few bits, but I'm going to say this. We are an epic amount of time into this podcast. And that's part of the fun of this. And I would never want to be the kind of like, oh, well, we've got to do whatever.

Right. We've got the lockdown lock-in tomorrow where we're going to have a beverage. And I actually think the amount of shit we've just talked during that means that we should push the three characters from fiction that you want to get smashed up with into tomorrow's lockdown locking. I think it,

I think it makes sense. I think, I think it suits. We haven't had that many submissions on this either. We've only had a handful. So it gives people more time to listen and catch up. And so I'd be about a thousand people that haven't listened to yesterday's episode yet.

It still will. So I've, I've prepped six or seven ready. It would be good to have a few more. And just saying, one of the guys, just if they're listening, has picked two of the three of mine, which is pretty fucking impressive.

I'd mentally picked two of mine and was struggling for a third and they got two of mine and then picked someone that I wouldn't have picked. I picked my three, but I might change by the time tomorrow comes. People have really had fun with it and I think it would suit

the lockdown lock-in where we both have a beverage. I mean, that sounds ridiculous because I'm having a beer right now. Yes. Okay, let's do that. We can do whatever the fuck we want, mate. Because, you know because you know we're behoving

behoving to no one just a quick one from uh Stee who is now known as Stella Stee alright lads

it's Stella Stee I do work I do work nights he just wants to clear up the pissing is this the guy yeah who misses pisses

in his Stella glass okay cool so this is Stee who wrote in saying, could you have a word, this is a couple of episodes ago, with my scruffy wife who wheezes in a pint glass when she can't be bothered going to the toilet. All right, lids, it's Stella Steve. I do work nights, but I don't drink Stella when I get in from work.

She just uses my glass after she's drank her water in the night. And what's worse, the bogs upstairs. So Adam, you were actually being quite diplomatic about this, which is not always in your nature when it comes to other words. Usually you tow a hard line with people, but you were like, well, you know, maybe the toilet's downstairs apparently it's not she's a scruffy fucker who doesn't want to do the stairs um it's backfired because i now shout all the time when she does it thanks dan i now have a boss nickname in work stella st why not mate why fucking not and I mean statistically it's an orange dick

this is from who says sit there and then just every so often just comment John C. Coulshaw, who says, I want Jade to sit in Adam's office for all future recordings. Sit there and then just every so often just comment. Because when she texts Adam every so often, and he's put this, it is gold. No. Yeah.

I mean, I know Adam Welland. I know Adam Welland, but I knew exactly where that was going to go. Does Jade listen to the podcast? She does not. Now, why is that? Why is that? Because she's very supportive. Oh, is it not?

No. She's a fucking square, mate. So, Laura has listened to... She's very, very supportive. And she listens to all my shit. Who downloads them? She supports us in that way. She downloads them, but she doesn't fucking listen.

Do you know how I know I love you because I've fucking ruined this iPod Nano? Laura downloads everything, but she has got a touch of OCD. That's sort of normal level of OCD where she like... You just texted me, by the way, and told me to piss off,

which I imagine is in reaction to me calling it a square. Yeah, you see, this is why... I get it, John T. I get that you like... I tell you what, I took real fucking offence at, by the way, is when, you know,

a couple of lockdown lock-ins ago where Jade came in and then Laura came in and they had a wee chat to each other and someone tweeted, I think Laura might be the funnier of the nightingales. I was like, fam, she's done a full 42 seconds of podcasting and you... Cha!

Upset me! Cha! Upset me! Nasty bitch! I've done... My dad's next day. I've done 42 episodes in a fucking shutdown! Upset me. Cha! Upset me! Nasty bitch! I've done... I've done 42 episodes in a fucking shutdown! Sorry, go on. You know, like family parties and stuff. You know, when you see people you haven't seen for years.

And when you're a comedian, there's people in my family I've not seen since I started stand-up. And my dad will introduce me at a funeral or a wedding or whatever and be like, oh yeah, you're the comedian, aren't you? And my dad, to every single one of these fuckers, goes, yeah, he's the comedian, but our Jack's the real funny one.

Me little brother. He tells everyone that I'm not as funny as me little brother. And do you know what? The most annoying thing is, he's probably fucking right. Now, this is where I'm on your side. Funny isn't the best comedian is it no it sounds counterintuitive but that is totally true the funniest person is not the best comedian there are so many factors that make good comedians you've got to be observant you've got to be a creative type you've also got to have the mental. You've got to be a creative type.

You've also got to have the mental illness that makes you want to get up and do it on stage. You've got to be likable, presentable. You've got to have the ability to explain your thought process and then perform it. And under that, underpinning all of it, you've got to be funny. But there are some people who are just funny. And I've seen them get on stage you're like that's a fucking mess it's a mess and then they hate it because they're like hang on everyone's normally dying laughing at me in the pub why am i not funny with the microphone

and the lights on me i was i was mates with a guy called james smart at college and i don't think he'll listen to this but i fucking love that guy and we were only mates of college he was from a different part of preston and we were we became really good mates and he was fucking funny really fucking funny and i i think he works in insurance and i we ended up just you know when facebook kicked off it's about 2010 facebook had been a thing for about three or four years so we'd been out of college like 10 years we messaged each other just he popped up as like people you know and i was like are you basically how you doing mate and he was like yeah yeah yeah yeah what you up to i was like oh i'm a comedian he was like oh you're a fucking comedian i'm funnier than you and when

he wrote it i was like oh it's a little bit of matey banter. And in my head, I was like, it's probably true. James Smart made me laugh more than I made him laugh. He was funny to me. But it doesn't make you a comedian. It doesn't make you a comedian. You need so many layers of mental illness on top of being funny. Three, I reckon the three funniest people I know, the three people who make me laugh the most, are Carl, who will never do comedy,

and the other two have done it, but didn't have the commitment to be comedians, which is John Schumacher. Lewis Calvert, I bet you anything. No, no, no. I don't think Lewis is necessarily that funny. I think he's a good, he can write a good one-liner. I don't think he's a naturally funny person at all.

The other one's Tony Carroll. Tony Carroll and Johnny Schumacher both started to stand up at a similar time to me off stage some of the funniest bastards you'll meet but they just didn't have the commitment to be a a comma

comma being a comedian takes hard work anyway but yes it's just a weird thing is that one of your things that pisses you off when your dad does that

his funniest is that one no I'm just fuckinges you off when your dad does that? It's funny you... No, I'm just fucking around. Because I do sort of agree with it. My little brother is a funny little fucker. And it's funny. Mate, I watched my team get absolutely hammered with your brother that fateful afternoon when Watford got fucking abused by Manchester City.

And he's a good lad. He's a good lad. City. And he's a good lad. He's a good lad. You could tell he's a good lad. And in my head, I was like, in my head, I was like, in my head, I was like, this guy's funnier than Adam. Like, I just got that vibe.

Do you know what I mean? What are your buttons? Because you're quite thick-skinned, aren't you? Like, it takes a lot. And like you said, people having a jam at the eye, because you're quite thick-skinned, aren't you? Like it... Yes. It takes a lot. And like you said, people having a jam at the eye is basically going... It's a form of fucking disability, isn't it?

It's basically a... 99% of the times, though, I'm fine with that. It's only when I'm in a real mood that that even bothers me. Apart from that, what are your buttons? What are the,

so, so Jade or a really close friend, Carl, someone who knows you, what are the buttons that they know they shouldn't press? And you know, if they press it, they're being a dick because they know emotionally they shouldn't press those buttons.

What are the things that flip you? There isn't really apart from accusing me of something that I haven't done. What about Jack? No, he's got me of something that I haven't done. What about Jack? I can't hold it. No. He hasn't got any buttons he can press. Not really. Like, just like, yeah.

Just moaning. Unnecessary moaning or accusing me of something I haven't done. I think your siblings, I think you said, I've only got, you've got Jack. Is it just Jack you've got? Yeah. I've just got my sister

and I tell you what, she's, we got on amazingly and of all the people I've talked to through the shutdown and yesterday, I thought of a promoter that you and me know,

I'm not going to name them, but in my head, we're mates and I honestly, they haven't occurred to me in six fucking weeks. And I think the shutdown has almost given me a clarity of thought of like, who actually is important in my life?

Who in this moment have I thought about when it's a difficult time? Who have I gone? I need to check they're all right. I need to just call into them. I need to let them know I'm all right. And this person was completely off my, me and my sister have spoken nearly every day. We've checked in repeatedly.

And sometimes she's like, yeah, we're fine, just fine. But fuck me, she knows how to press a button. And this is where... What about us? Oh. Off the top of my head,

it's nothing... I tell you what, one of the worst ones, and she knows not to do it. And I know it sounds innocuous, but you know, if you want to ruin a family Christmas at a nightingale house she just needs to mention the car in sheffield that rolled down the hill

and got written off into a skip and and she just needs to mention that and that's like stage one of the argument and then i go and i go go fuck yourself and then stage two is to go you left the handbrake off and then I'll lose it and then that's the fucking cludo flipped over and I'll leave the house is that what you did did you leave the handbrake off a car and write it off so I bought my dad's car he was like oh well do you want my car he basically I think he I got ripped off my by my own dad he had an alpha he had an alfa romeo uh that he he was gonna sell it was probably worth about three grand he made me pay three grand for it and he he paid i was skin at the time he's like

if you give me 100 quid a month you can have this three grand car i was like wicked i'm into it let's do it so i had a really nice car for a year and i got to sheffield now apparently after the fact i found out that this model of Alfa Romeo had a problem with the handbrake, that if the handbrake was running hot, I don't know, it slipped. So I parked up in Sheffield.

If you've never visited, Adam knows, the place is mental. It's fucking mental. You're like, your gig is on a flat bit and then you park on a, it looks like a fucking ski slope.

So I parked up, and in Sheffield, if you don't put the handbrake on, before you've got out of the car, you're going to be 100 yards down the fucking hill. You have to put the handbrake on these hills. The handbrake was all the way up, and I got out of the car. I came back to the car after the gig, and I was like, there's no, where's my car? My car's been fucking stolen.

I just kept looking at the spot. So I went back to the gig. I was like, to the owner, Jules and Toby, I was like, guys, I think my car's been nicked. Oh, it's been towed, but I think I was parking in the right spot. And Jules... Were you doing the last car? Yeah, I was doing the last car. I was doing Last Laugh.

When we say the Last Laugh, the Last Laugh Comedy Club runs on a friday and saturday in the city hall the lescar is a bit out in the sticks of sheffield a bit isn't it it's not right in the center and that's where it becomes a fucking problem no i was doing the last laugh and if you park about half quarter of a mile from the last laugh there are a couple of fucking hill sheffield's covered in hills he came out he went you've not been told they basically don't do it in sheffield i think it's been stolen there's three of us the fucking dj foxy i've got jules me we're all stood looking at a fucking empty car space and then i just like we were there for a minute like more i was like yeah it's gone, it's not there. And then I just sort of looked down the hill, and there is an Alfa Romeo estate

fucked into the side of a skip. I was like, it's there, guys. It's there. They were like, oh. We were just about to walk down to it. The police turned up because they'd had a call about a phantom car rolling down a hill. i was like this is my

car then they tried to breathalyze me i went i've been at a gig and they were like he really has been at a gig and and they realized i wasn't drunk and and they just it's funny with the police because they're like oh yeah you're obviously a drunk driver who's driven into a skip and then it was weird they sort of worked out that I was just a fucking bellend who'd left his handbrake off. So yeah, my car got fucked into a skip. If my sister mentions that fucking handbrake, it can ruin a family birthday.

Isn't it mental? It's mental. Do you know, and even talking about it now i know it's funny the fact that so this is apparently this is what happened i'm the handbrake must have slipped well after i was out of it and there was a car in front of it and it rolled sort of like 18 inches into the bumper of the car and just sat there so the handbrake had gone so this woman gets in her car and goes this who the fuck has done this like an older lady has gone there's someone's part right on my bumper touching disgusting she's got in a car all annoyed like i can't believe someone's been so inconsiderate she's driven a little bit

away and my car has bumped into her car as it's following out so she's basically getting stalked by the car behind her she's driven off down the hill, had to floor it, and my car's just fucking taken off down the hill and hit the skid. If my sister mentions that, I lose my shit. That's so funny. Oh, my God. Why did you lose your shit? I don't get it.

Why did you lose your shit with your sister? Because it's not her fault you did this, is it? I didn't leave the handbrake off. Listen, I've already lost a Panamanian. Oh, you fucking rat. I, you, why have I said this on the podcast? Why have I said this? Why have I basically gone, right, my name's Achilles.

This is my heel. You fucking Panamanian dick-sizing rat. I swear to God, don't you ever mention handbrakes in Sheffield to me. And any of you fuckers listening, we appreciate you. They hate you.

They hate you. Fucking rat. I've genuinely not forgiven Sheffield right should we have a whereabouts rolling in the deep by Adele rolling in the steep rolling

in the skeet. Rolling in the skeet. I should have never left the handbrake up. I want to rock and roll all night. I didn't whoever risk it. You fucking rat. Panamanian rat. You hat-wearing rat. I can't believe you've given me this.

Sponsor, sponsor. Do you love podcasts? Have you always wanted to do your own, but you don't know how? Well, here at Lightwork Studios, if you've got an idea for a podcast, then we want to record it and record it well. Whether you're doing your first podcast or you've been doing it for years, we think all podcasts should look and sound as good as possible.

And with prices starting from £30 an hour, we are by far the best-priced professional podcast studio in London. We've got three HD cameras, six top the range mics And a sound technician on hand To make sure that all you have to focus on Is talking We can have the recording edited and sent to you The very same day Find us at lightwearpodcast.com So we can help record your next podcast

Send in your questions and suggestions To haveawadpod At gmail.com. Let's crack on with this nonsense. Right. It's on. What? Why is it not enough to just sing?

Why do you have to go right? Fucking lit. Have I have work? Adam and Dan, I see a little bum, you have a good face. Have you seen that video, by the way, of Elton John singing in his back garden? No. Oh, mate, he did a version of I'm Still Standing

for the shutdown. Like, stay at home, guys, you know? Like me. I'm staying at home. If you need to pass the time, go in the back garden and play the piano that we all have can I just have a word with celebrities who are telling other people how to get through the shutdown

can we do that before we do anything else because they're starting to do my fucking head in mate when they're always like look guys we all need to stay at home because it's important for this and they're like I'm like shut up Idris Elba Idris elba said last week but from now on every year the world should quarantine for a week to remember this time and

i was like okay just we'll do that as long as you come to mine and i can go to yours i'll live in your fucking mansion for a week and you can live in my three bedroom terrace house with a fucking box room in Liverpool, you daft cunt Controversial, Idris Elba I've never seen a career that I've given less and less of a shit about gradually when he was in The Wire I honestly thought he was the coolest cunt

ever, when he turned up as Shia Khan in the live action version a fucking jungle book ever. When he turned up as Shere Khan in the live action version of fucking Jungle Book I hated it. I thought everyone was really well cast. How is he Shere Khan? Oh hey, I'm Idris Elba.

I'm a fucking tiger. Shit. He's not Reagan is he? Shit. He was a shit Shere Khan. I actually really like Idage Rosalba. Luther is one of my favourite TV series. So, I saw some Australian comedians had done a rip-off version of this. Someone sent it me,

and I will repost it on Twitter from the Have A Word account. And I'm not joking. It is basically this sentiment of like, thanks, celebrities, for telling me to stay at home and do the right thing when you're in your mansion.

Do you remember about a week into the shutdown we had a rant about it you and me when we talked about sam smith and how he was crying and doing that video that was five four five weeks ago no it wasn't i don't know it was only about a week ago. It was four weeks ago. It wasn't. It wasn't, you know, you're defo wrong on this. It was about a week to ten days ago. Telling you. Right. I'm going to make you that bet.

What if I lost a fiver? Yeah. If it's more than ten days ago, I will give you 20 quid. And if it's less than 10 days ago, I will give you 20 quid. And if it's more than 10 days ago, you owe me a tenner. Okay. Nice one. You owe me a fucking tenner.

You owe me 20 quid. You know, the thing is, Adam, the shutdown's fucked with many people. You see, I listened to the episodes back, not all of them, because sometimes I'm in a mood with life, but I remember when I went for a jog and listened to it, and that was fucking weeks ago.

Okay. I'll accept my tenner in. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay. Still tenner, or...? Yeah, yeah. I can't remember what we're talking about. so I'll accept my tenor in tenor or yeah yeah I can't remember what we're talking about we're talking about Ildris Elba I've enjoyed this

episode so much and I am not sure all I've got in my mind is dick dick and skip it was on the 18th of April no it wasn't it was

what do you mean I've just searched on Twitter at Have A Word Pod Sam Smith and we got a tweet from someone called David Dukes saying I'm pretty sure that Adam Rowe and Dan did an unintentional Have A Word with Sam Smith and we got a tweet from someone called David Dukes saying I'm pretty sure that Adam Rowe and Dan did an unintentional have a word with Sam Smith on yesterday's have a word pod. So that would have been the 17th

of April. No, that tweet come through on the 19th. Alright, so it would have been the 18th. So today's the 1st of May. Which is quite a few days ago. I'll accept the money. Oh, you fucking rat. You said it was fucking four weeks ago you little nonce

whatever's worked I owe you a tenner you're going to lose it tomorrow anyway which dick is this where is this dick from right so hi Aaron Where is this dick from? Right. So. Hi, Aaron and Dave.

This is a have a word, by the way, if you forgot where we're up to. Hi, Aaron and Dave. Loving the pod and you guys. I'm loving the pod and you guys for keeping me entertained through this bullshit pandemic. You better work. Glad to be of service, sir. Can you have a word with my missus, please? Now, Dan, this

is so in our ballpark. I'm excited. Can you have a word with my missus, please? I might occasionally not pay for things when I'm out shopping, whether it be the weekly food shop or stupid impulse

buys. For example, I bought a new all-singing all-dancing smart TV from an electrical retailer that rhymes with Murray's. This was on Easter weekend sale last year, so I ended up getting a good discount on the price. I took

the TV home, set it up to check everything was okay, and it was perfect. I then popped it into the garage where there was... Oh, no, sorry. I then popped into the garage where there was an old 32-inch TV and I placed that old 32-inch TV

into the box of the new one. I drove back... I drove back to Murray's and kicked off that I'd just paid nearly a grand for a new TV and got home to find this old TV in the box. They gave me another one. Now, I don't need two new TVs, so I drove this new one to another Murray's

and explained that it was too big for my house and I managed to get a refund and still have the first new TV at home. Fuck's sake. This man's got game mate. He is nasty and a genius.

My missus was over the moon because we had nearly £1,000 in disposable cash now to pay towards our holiday. She was happy that I'd managed to do this. But then this royally fucked me off because she proceeded to tell all of her friends and family about this and how disgusted she was that I would have the minerals to do something like this. She was ashamed of me, but she still went on the fucking holiday paid for by my actions. Also, when in the supermarket we do the scan and go, I place all the meat at the bottom of the bags without scanning them

and then scan the cheaper stuff to hide the meat. Can you have a word with my missus, please? Because every time I go to pay for the shop and that's being scanned, she runs out the shop making it so fucking obvious she's going to get me caught one day. Thanks, lids. Keep up the good work. From Andy. Unless there's any police listening, and then my name is John. Right.

This is for Andy Stroke John. That is one of the more enjoyable have a words I've ever heard. But I'll tell you this. This is my guess. That guy is from...

Sugar! Oh, hang on a minute. What are you suggesting? I'm just saying it sounded very... Sugar! I just had that feel. Are you saying that Scousers have proclivity to steal things? Oh, no.

Hey, no, no, no, no, no. What are you saying then? It just sounded... Watch your fucking lip here, kid. I'm just saying that guy does not live in the Cotswolds. He's not from Richmond upon Thames, is he? Hey, lads, have a word, right? I'm in one of the poshest bits

of fucking suburban Surrey, right? Why has he still got a Scouse accent, even when he's in these places? That's just, that's one of the accents in Richmond. Oh, fucked up. Um, it, places that's just that's one of the accents in richmond i fucked up um who who do we need to have a word with can i be honest i feel like i need to have a word with with both of them initially like well go on then he he's a fucking cheeky bastard and one day one day that shit's gonna get

you caught the fuck out mate he's Robin Hood mate that's what he is he steals from the rich and he gives to the poor and the poor being his holiday fund

you know I heard that and i was like oh you schemey little fucking skeevy shit having the temerities you're like i'll tell you what get this box do you know who this reflects worse on before i even start with his missus it reflects worse on the staff and the procedure policy at fucking in quotation quotation marks, Murray's. How fucking dumb are you? You sat there in, you must have been trained, you must, is it, is it your first day that someone's turned up with a shitty TV in a box that's not, that's too big for it, and they've gone, I tell you what, there's a wrong fucking TV in this box, and've got oh god sorry i'll give you credit no fucking idiots but skeevy schemey but i tell you what what's worse what's worse is is mrs for me personally to be like oh god brilliant yeah i've got a new tv oh god great thousand pounds

yeah we will go on holiday tell you what he's awful when he does stuff like this no mum let me tell you the story he's dreadful when he does this like this no mum let me tell you the story he's dreadful when he does this and it's disgusting i don't like it that's the worst that's worse let's just say right now is mrs is a fucking two-faced piece of shit is what she is okay if you're gonna live with a vagabond like this, then you need to either accept what he is or reject it. And if you reject it, you can't enjoy the fucking spoils, okay? You can't be going on holiday. You can't be watching the new telly that you essentially got for fucking free.

You get fucking none of that. You go and sit and you watch whatever you can on your fucking box telly that you've still got from the early 90s, and you're going to fucking press that on holiday while he goes to the Maldives with the boys. You can't have your cake and fucking eat it. Do you know what I'm saying?

I do, but no one's ever been to Maldives with the boys. What type of fucking lads holiday are you having me? Oi, oi, oi, lads on tour. Lads on tour. We're going to the Maldives. How much do you want in?

What's the kitty? It's about 10 grand each. Nice one. Yeah, you can't live by the sword. You've got to live by the sword, die by the sword, haven't you? You can't. If he's doing this shit, you've either got to go, Oi, Andy, stroke John, stop doing this horrible shit.

It makes me uncomfortable. You think it's clever. It's essentially stealing, and I'm not having it. You do it, but I'm having nothing to do with it. You can't be like, Oh, nice one, yeah, let's have a holiday. We're good. But no, it's out of order. That's the worst.

That's the worst of the worst in the person fucking doing it means. You're handling stolen goods, you're going out of order that's the worst that's the worst the worst thing the person fucking doing it means you're handling stolen goods you're going out of order I'm telling you right now my initial response to reading this was oh my god why have I never done this before

I can't believe I hadn't thought of it I think it's fucking amazing I'll tell you right now Andy fuck your beard off I'll fuck Jade off, and me and you will live a fucking happy, long, vagabond lifestyle together. You can

steal, I'll enjoy the spoils, and I'll never give you shit for it. You're gonna be together? What size dick has he got? Has he got a Panamanian dick? You don't want to start with a Panamanian dick. You want to start with a Japanese dick. You want to ease yourself in there with a starter dick, Adam. Let me tell you, stolen TV's the one thing. Too much dick much dick too soon it's too much

oi i tell you this you know why you don't do it i'm not trying to just be pernickety you know why you don't do it adam because you're going to be the fucking lid that's stood in a curry's with a brand new fucking box and an old telly with some manager going what the fuck are you on about take your shitty old telly and this new fucking box get the old telly with some manager going, what the fuck are you on about? Take your shitty old telly and this new fucking box and get the fuck out of my murricuddies or whatever it's fucking called. They're not going to fucking have it. You're going to be the bell end

that's going to get 5-0 called like you're alright and they're going to come and arrest you for being the lid with an old telly and a new box. It's not what you know, it's what you can prove in court. It's been one of my favourite episodes ever.

Fucking loved it. It's been one of mine as well. I think this... It's a bumper episode. What is it? What are we on? 46 or 47? This is...

This is going in the Hall of Fame for me. And again, I have had a couple of beers. This is number 47. Hey. Do you know how many episodes we'd have done

by now if it wasn't for the shutdown? Do you know what we'd be on? 16? 16. We're on 47. Yeah. Sick. I think it's starting to send me mental,

but I'm proud. Prou of today. You owe me a fucking tenner. I'm so looking forward to having a booze tomorrow. I've behaved all week, and I fucking deserve some Bud Lights tomorrow. And I'm putting your tenner on Turbo Shandy. All right.

Today's artist slash band, it's a band, are called Spin Out UK good tune this one thanks for this we do need some more song submissions please please get them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com if you're not in a band if you're not a musician

you'll know someone who is or you'll know someone who knows someone who is do a Facebook post and go hey does any band out there want any exposure we do that we're trying to source them out but and right now we've had one we've had one hip-hop and everything else has been bands but we're not we will we literally we like music we just want to we just want to give someone a little bit of love for the shit that they create yeah if you're doing dance tracks if you're doing hip-hop, get them in.

It doesn't really make much difference to us if we end the podcast without a song. We just do it for the listeners to have a nice little tune to play them out when they're listening to whatever. And also it gives a bit of exposure. So we just want some new songs. When we were starting out in stand-up, the biggest thing you could get is someone going, nice one, lad, you're doing good work.

This is basically an equivalent of that, isn't it? Yeah. This song's a banger. It's from Spinout UK. They've got an album called My Kind of People, which is available on Amazon, Spotify, Apple Music, and you can watch or listen on YouTube too. They're at facebook.com slash spinoutuk.

And this song is called Field of Fire. It's a banger. We'll see you tomorrow for the lockdown lock-in. This has been a good one. I've had fun. Good night. Спасибо. Failing to produce Good things in our life We will never see the light

Seeking hiding Is all that's left for us No more bedtime stories Anymore Across the seven seas To a land of make-believe And we'll never see the light All the evil that there is in

There must be something we can do We can do In this field of fire And the flames grow higher and higher and higher In a field of fire as I walk the high wire Take what you want, get what you get I hope this time that you won't forget

The sun in the skies and the rain in the clouds Yeah, the music we hear It's all so loud In this field of fire And the flames Grow higher and higher and higher In a field of fire As a walker A wire In a field of fire As I walk the Hawaii

In this field of fire And the flames grow higher and higher and higher In this speed of fire guitar solo In a field of fire And the flames Go higher and higher and higher In this field of fire As a warm blue Hawaii And the flames grow higher and higher and higher In the field of fire

And the flames grow higher and higher and higher In the field of fire And the flames go higher and higher and higher Thank you. They grow so high They grow so high