Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #5 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: February 6, 2020

Bearded school children, a game of would you rather and as ever us 'having a word' with some peeps. Episode 5 is a meaty one. Get on it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is Have a Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. We're on. Live. Well, not live. We are live! Well, we are live. Four days before. It just doesn't go out live. Yes, good point.

We are both here. I had an idea at early doors for doing a podcast and trying to stream it live. And I still, part of me would think that would be pretty exciting. The amount of racism and homophobia we have to edit out every week. Can you imagine if that got left in? Don't reveal behind your racist curtain. So I did a video.

I did an extra video from the episode. So if you think about the episodes, have a word. And thank you for listening to them. And thank you for downloading. And thanks for the tweets and the messages saying we're really enjoying it. Good job. Because it's, that's,

I mean, we're not doing this for any money. We have a laugh with it, but it means a lot when you can see the downloads are good. People are telling other people about it. We've not spent any money on advertising. We're doing this by just word of mouth,

but we appreciate when they come back. But those adverts that we do with the videos on Twitter. Yeah. So I was like, well, I want to crack on and maybe do two a week so i edited out the one of edward the tory yeah put some pictures in it's fine made me laugh got it out there checked it with laura i was like do you think this is funny because my wife is pretty good she's a good barometer of the lols on stage have an idea and she's like nah

that's not the best bit but that one's funny and then I'll try the two and I'll be like fuck she's right so I ran by the second the second one which is me doing the

your take away lady going I'm MP for Scalmersdale yeah and I was like I can't I was like what do you want she went don't pull that

on the internet and in my head she's obviously not listening to the episode i was like it's already in an episode but i told her that and she was like yeah but the videos are being watched by people that aren't yeah if you're listening to the podcast and you're 58 minutes in yeah you're all kind of knobbed aren't you yeah you're not gonna be like well an you're 58 minutes in yeah you're all kind of knobbed aren't you yeah you're not gonna be like well an episode four 58 minutes in that was the line yeah but on an advert on twitter episode 5 40 seconds it was funny come off it of course it was this is my safe place to be a dick oh god talking about Laura last night we were

having a bit of a dominoes and I thought of you a dominoes on a Sunday oh an actual pizza I thought we weren't playing

dominoes I thought you meant she was dominating you I thought it was slang I was like heavy stuff Daniel okay now

I'd take it just to get laid can we have sex any type of sex go for it I thought you meant that I meant dominoes like that's what we do

we sit round how boring do you think my life is I know I make out that I'm a fucking quiet family man now we're like you're at dominoes

on a Sunday come on gather round everyone I've set them up it also shows how fucking filthy my mind must be because there's dominoes Peter

there's actual Domino's and you said the word Domino's and I went, Dominatrix. You mean BDSM? That's obviously what he means. He's being whipped, spanked, candle wax poured down his fucking arse cheeks. Just having chicken strippers with honey and mustard dip. Oh, you mean like taking it up the arse? No, it's not a euphemism.

Well, you're having four fucking chicken strippers with only a month to dip oh you mean like taking it over the ass no it's not a euphemism well you haven't fight four fucking chicken strippers uh and uh for some unknown reason i just got one can of diet coke and she's like oh where's my kind of diet coke i was like oh it was almost like it was from the shop it was just from the the fridge i was like you ordered the dominoes and you only ordered one diet coke no right stop the tape we have cans of diet coke you know like at tesco they do 20 like a 24 cans for seven or eight quid so i'd only got one and i couldn't be asking i was like we'll share this and she was drinking most of it and we were watching sex education on netflix she's watching it i'm sort of observing but it's actually quite good it's a lot of like kids, teenage kids and their parents

and I just wanted the Diet Coke. So I was like, Mum! And I stopped and it was the slowest turn. I've been married like four or five years. She was like, did you? Did you just call me Mum?

That's it a call good boy whip my dick with a chicken stripper oh imagine it came full circle and it was a dominoes a dominatrix that's it holy shit it was one of the moments you're like oh did you ever do that at school I'm sorry I honestly looking back I take the one at school where you're like mum you fucking teacher

better than your wife who you're trying to bang at some point no see I think with your wife it's just you and her

you can move past it but if you did that on like week 4 of year 7 and wrote off the next 5 years we've got IT next come to see you fucking marlon

and also you're more likely to do it early in school aren't you you know when you're younger when you're year seven or first or whatever like that's the most likely you are to be like i did it in year six like with like a to go. So I got away with it. Because that was the end of junior school, do you know what I mean? Then we went to seniors. There was only like 20 of us from our school who went on to the same seniors. So that's also got forgotten. Yeah, and also you can ride anything out for a month when you're 11, can't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, oh, fuck off. But then there was a kid who'd done it in year seven, and even I joined him. I was like, ah, is that your mind? Literally three months later. Putting the fucking boots in. What a fucking prick. Yeah, primary school's different. If you were like me,

primary school was brutal for bantering, but I was like, where the fuck did you go to primary school? Once you get in the big leagues, it gets rougher, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dynamics in like a senior school from year seven all the way up to year 11 it's like year seven's in the first week they look like never seen those videos uh like on the internet of like um a kid going to his first

football match and they walk out with like all glistening in their eyes and they just look overwhelmed by 40 000 people that's what it's like the first week of year seven. And year 11s who are 16 and probably at most five foot six at that point, they look like giants. Oh, yeah. Because you've gone from being the oldest and hardest and most feared in a school

to the run to the litter within the space of a six-week summer holiday. It's so fucking beautiful. It's like Norwich City twatting the championship, isn't it? Like, 103 points. We've got Pukie up front. Fucking Pukie's banging him in.

Two and a half months later, you're at Anfield getting dry humped with Firmino's big fucking teeth like, hey, you're shit. That's hard, mate. That step up is hard. Also, the beard, man. The beard's on some of them

there's one kid at our school and I look back and I was like was he 37 but he I was a cheeky little shit that was my way of not getting bullied

I just sort of took the piss out of the old the fifth years you can't do it you could never do it to a second or third

so you couldn't do it to year 8 or year 9 you had to go year 10 and 11 because they were like this guy's a midget like he's tiny this is funny if you did it do it to year 8 or year 9 you had to go year 10 and 11 because they were like this guy's a midget he's tiny, this is funny if you did it to the year above they'll just throttle you

that's not funny, you're still a threat it's like being a featherweight in the UFC you can talk shit about a heavyweight because you're never going to have to fight them and if they chase you but if there's only one weight class up you know that they're just going to go mate I'll drop 14 pounds to smash dana get it on yeah one of the little featherweights running away from brock lesnar his big fucking steroid tits jiggling away after them and yeah one kid was called mark he's i tell

you what he he's like i don't know how yeah he looked good he looked good he was a handsome kid he was dating a six former that's how much game he had fifth year he was banging up banging a six former you might as well be dicking a fucking deputy head

and I used to give them shit and I've got a really strong memory of school of them grabbing me and him rubbing his beard on me and it was literally like fucking sandpaper I was like

dude when did you start puberty that's a he could grow a beard at 16 better than i can grow one now at nearly fucking 40 yeah there was a lad in our school called paul brailsford um and he had a beard in year nine like a full beard like like a full b Brian Blessed style beard He hadn't even done his sats yet Could he get served? Does he cultivate it? Could he get served?

He could have been a fucking landlord Could he get served? He could have hired a car He's giving lessons He's a driving instructor like i can't i can't stress the degrees of which he could definitely get served there was another lad as well called jason something i forget his surname but we went on him we went on in sixth form so we're a bit older than you're looking a bit older we went on on a six-form trip, our whole six-form, to the University of Cambridge.

So it was in like June, July, so uni's sort of done for the year. And they sort of invite a load of six-forms for a couple of days to see the University of Cambridge, to see the town, the city, and decide whether you might want to come to Cambridge. Now, how are your marks? What do you mean? Cambridge University. As in the cambridge you know the one that was started in 1315 is like the one of the leading schools of learning in the in the in the world yeah yeah so how are your a levels looking good were they looking that

good like no so that that's source of the point, right? Mine were like, listen, the University of Lincoln is attainable. Hugh Baird College in Liverpool are willing to ignore your A-levels. I was fairly clever in school, always in the top sets into sixth form. And then most of my mates were also in the top sets as well and when we got to sixth form we got given that opportunity but we were chosen because our school was invited and our school had to take 10 students or whatever it was but none of us were going to Cambridge we were like I ended up with a A, a B and a C at A level. Because I didn't really put much effort into anything but maths, which is why I got the A in.

Right. And my other mates were getting like A, B, B, A, A, B across the three. But to get into Cambridge, pretty much you need A, A, A or A star, A, A. And also to be doing extracurricular. Yeah. Like I founded a small company, you know, like a startup. Yeah. Oh, sorry.

Is that me that's horse in case your baby is sick uh yeah sometimes on the podcast it's uh it's like it's not it's just some fucking bell and bothering me on facebook is it oh shit is my baby oh no it's some dickhead with a gig in the middle of fucking nowhere could you come here for 85 pounds fuck i'll tell you about last night's gig in a minute Cambridge so you went down so yeah we went down 10 of us and the idea is

you go down on like I don't know let's say it's a Friday morning and you get there for lunch time and then you spend

the whole day you spend that night and then the next day you spend a chunk of the day before you drive home and the night you spend staying in the

University of Cambridge's halls because there's no fucking students there at this point they've all gone home for the summer and we were told

we're all like between 17 and 18 so the school are not sort of like you can't have alcohol because the law says some of us actually fucking can

so it got to the point where the teachers were like right you can do what you want now for the rest of the day but kids remember we're at the university of cambridge so wind your fucking neck in you yeah we we didn't heed that advice so we we sent the one of us that was 18 into the same room to get served and he literally comes out like fucking father christmas with about to head over the atlantic with a massive sack full of alcohol.

And have you been to Cambridge? Yeah. So you know, there's that punting thing where, like, there's like a moat around the whole town, isn't there? Yeah. And you can get in a boat, and there's some guy on £3.50 an hour who puts a stick right to the bottom of the river and pushes you along, right?

So we get in in and he goes i'm afraid my friends no alcohol you can't drink in here and we were like okay cool and uh he goes seriously i can see the alcohol no drinking you can have it but no drinking in the and we were like mate we're not gonna fucking drink the alcohol then we waited till we got like a quarter of a way around the thing and every 50 yards there's a punt in front of you and a punt behind you we just started drinking he's like i told you no alcohol why are you drinking no alcohol and we were like what are you really gonna do at this stage you can't just stop because there's 13 punts behind us now and you and he got out right so he was like i i can't carry on not a guy i

told you not a girl so he gets out goes into the into the river and how does he get out he just steps off the boat right onto what into the water what into the water and then up the sides and he's now on the land going we can't go anymore anymore. Mate, that freaked me out. When you were telling that story, I was like, where he was, water-wise, you couldn't just step out. I thought you were like, he just walked on it. So it turns out Jesus is punting. Oh no, he's now soaking. He's soaking wet and he's stood on the bank

and he's smoking. I told you not to go. The lad who's 18, the oldest one of us, just went, I can fucking drive. He's now punting us along the river. This guy's now soaking wet on the side. 18, the oldest one of us just went, I reckon I can fucking drive. So he stands up. He's now punting us along the river. This guy's now soaking wet on the side. His boat's been stolen.

There's been a mutiny. He's been commandeered. So yeah, we stole a punt. Chased by us very slowly by a sodden foreign bloke. Yeah, yeah. Some Slovakian fellow who just didn't have a fucking clue like he was dealing with 10 scousers who would were never coming to the university of cambridge anyway that night we went and got more alcohol and took it back to our like dorm and they have like a on each floor they have like a sleeping hall monitor sort of thing who's

like and we're making far too much noise and he comes down the corridor and he's like what's going on we were like oh sorry mate we're just here for one night we're having a bit of a thing he's like and we're making far too much noise and he comes down the corridor and he's like what's going on and we're like oh sorry mate we're just here for one night we're just having a bit of a party he's like

it's too loud you're going to be waking other people up and we're like mate we're really sorry we're just having a drink and he's like keep it down

so he goes away and obviously we don't keep it down because we're 17 year olds who've got unlimited alcohol in the city they've never been to before with no supervision

and he keeps coming back and in the end he goes like alright I'm going to have to take some of your alcohol off you. I went, what do you mean? He went, I've got to confiscate it because you're being too leery and you'll get it back tomorrow.

And we went, hey, mate, how about if we just give you a bottle of vodka and this didn't happen? And he took like about a five second pause and then went, all right, then, yeah. second pause and then went all right then yeah so so we we we we basically bought a grown man's silence to let 17 year olds drink in cambridge unsupervised for a bottle of smear and i honestly think if the uh the cambridge university found that out i think that would go towards you getting in like you've passed the test that was using your initiative because like how many sappy kids would be like all right here's

the booze back scouse kids like yeah i mean look there's a fuck like it's goodfellas and he's giving cigarettes off the back of the car hey how's your wife take a fucking bacardi take a bacardi bridge take four bacardi breezes, we're from Liverpool. You're all right. These gas kids are mental. If Martin Scorsese ever listens to this podcast, you're going to get a role, you know, because that New York

Italian accent is fucking top notch. Oh, you mama galutz. Andrew Dice Clay again now. You can't go, oh! Sometimes. It's got quite a bad ending,

though, because that guy still grasped us up to our to our teachers the next day yeah a dirty rat and uh we we were never at our school we've been told since because that like because of comedy and stuff you've got you've got every prospective student patent from the visit from your college well not not that people from cardinal heenan can no longer apply but that trip that annual invite six forms over cardinal heenan six form has never been invited back and i know that because um last year i was invited to go back to my school to just have a

look around and see how like just because they know i'm doing comedy now and they were like you should come back and see some of your teachers now now, we've changed the school and I was like, okay, cool and I was talking about that trip and they were like, yeah, we've literally never been invited back since that year We shut it down So me and my mates single-handedly got Cardinal Heenan Catholic Sports College

banned from the University of Cambridge and the University of Cambridge has never recovered Superb Yeah man, that's what you expect University of Cambridge and the University of Cambridge has never recovered superb yeah man that's what you expect if you're 17. You stole a boat what a trip

amazing who was the kid that was punting was he that Brailsford kid with the beard no he wasn't on that trip this was like Jason something who he was sort of the oldest looking one of us because you're bearded now where were you a little late bloomer There's a lad called Jason something who, he was sort of the oldest looking one of us. Yeah.

How are you? Cause you're bearded now. How are you? Where were you? A little late bloomer or? A late bloomer. Yeah. Like if you,

you might not remember, we can put this in if this goes on like a, the video maybe, but there's a picture of me. In fact, I'll tweet this picture regardless. At have a word pod. I have a word pod of me when i started stand up so this was me and i was trying to grow a beard this is do you remember mr ben's in leeds yeah holy shit that is a fresh-faced child how old were you when you

started 18 yeah so yeah i remember i was still in sixth form first beard i tried to grow i was already at university in newcastle and it was really gingery and i thought i was doing quite well and my best mate's older sister just i think we went to stay at hers and we were going out boozing in leeds they lived in leeds we walked in and she just went, what the fuck is that on your face? I was like, oh. You know when you're like cocky, I'm taking this beard out tonight in Leeds. What the fuck is that little ginger rat on your face? Right, I'm shaving, I'm shaving.

Stop bullying me. Fucking brutal. This needs a trim. I don't really like having a full beard. I like having sort of thick stubble, like sort of... Where are you with the rest of the body hair then? Because I can't grow hair on my head

so I refuse to let everything go wild do you know what I mean so I have a little trimmy trim trims you can't be like a bald bear you just can't be

you can't have all fucking nothing there and then just massive like so I I've never touched me chest or torso hair

that's just sort of manly yeah wild me back weirdly grows in patches like i've got like a leopard's back alopecia spine basically i know that sounds ridiculous but i've got like a patch on one shoulder blade and none on the other and then halfway down the right side there's another patch here it's just fucking weird so i have to get it i have to get me mad me bad to shave that every oh that is love jade this

literally that is love that marry that girl any woman who will shave your back yeah it's fucking there are younger women now listening to this going do you know how much do you know what she's doing it for though because recently she was like, it'd be so much quicker if I waxed it. And I was like, yeah, but it's more painful. She's like, yeah, but it's more fun for me. That's what she's doing it for. She's trying to fucking build up

so she can put me in pain with a wax. Ooh, the old wax. On your big hairy man back. My mate that I was talking about before, his sister ripped me for the little ginger beer. I went to stay with him at Cardiff when he was at uni, he was at dental. So they were like uni for what felt like about 15 years.

And one of his lads, uh, mates was called Sheeps. Uh, he was an Asian guy. So I think he's, yeah, I think his name was Sheetal and his,

his nickname was Sheeps. And, uh, lovely guy. Now a very well paid dentist. They all went, was he ever inappropriate with the sheep? No, he didn't fuck his sheep.

I think it was basically white people going, shit, sheep-a-tow. How do you fucking say your name? Sheep-a-tow. Yeah, we'll just call you sheep, yeah? Is that offensive to you and all your people? He was like, I couldn't give a shit. I'm at uni with a load of white people.

This will just make my life easy. So sheep's had a very, as a lot of young Asian men do, that, you know, we're talking about like Brailsford had a beard in year nine. I think Chital had like a hairy chest in fucking kindergarten. He was a hairy lad. So got there, got there on the Friday, traveled down and I got there and I was like, all right, cool, everyone's ready.

We're going to go boozing. Just classic uni drinking, like we'll get on it. Where's Sheeps? Because I always got on with him. Oh, he's getting his chest waxed this afternoon. We're like, oh, right. He's like, yeah, you wouldn't know this, but he's very, very self-conscious about his chest hair

because it's quite thick really really quite sheep like the black sheep and everyone was like so we've been sort of we don't rib him because he is a bit sensitive about him i was like right so he's actually getting his chest waxed as we speak so we're all sat around just fucking around in the house. Hear the front door come in. Sheeps comes in, sheepish, no pun intended, but he was literally, you could tell something was wrong. I don't think you can use the word sheepish there and then claim no pun intended. You fucking lent into the pun.

Sheeps was being a bit sheepish, no pun intended. Fuck off. My mate Bondi was like, fair one. My mate Bondi was like, fair one, my mate Bondi was like, don't, let's not take the piss too much because he does get fucking touchy. And she came in looking,

you know, under the weather, psychologically. Sheepish! Fuck you. And everyone's like, you're right, you're right, mate.

And this, we were 21, so we're not, we're all cunts to each other. He's like yeah she she's not finished she's just done half of it because she said

it was too much to do in one hour that I booked and we were like alright apparently he walked in he went she went hello Chinese she was Chinese I swear to god i swear to god she was a genuine chinese waxing person i've got to do the voice so it's not a proper all right okay can i do an accent to represent chinese no you can do a chinese here's the rule

with accents this is my rule you've got to pronounce the words right because that's what makes it racist when people pronounce it wrong yeah if you say hello i am chinese that's fine because that's what those words are supposed but if you go hurrah me chinese what you're saying is chinese people can't speak those words properly so as long as the second one's sounding more chinese though anyway um so she she was like hello okay okay she was like fucking around with the waxing tool she was like Hello, okay Okay, she was like fucking around with the waxing tool She was like, take your top off He took his top off Quite, you know, nervously

She turned around Clocked the jaguar pelt That he had on his chest And the most, I love this quote She went Oh my god So hairy A professional waxing person

With no air Of professionalism went Oh my god So hairy Then started doing it Hairy man To surprise someone who is on a daily basis confronted by people who are too hairy all she sees that's all she deals with all she sees is

someone who's got too much hair and wants some of it gone in fact it would be more it would be more shocking if you had no hair she was like oh my god you waste your money you're shiny like baby but he was so hairy she went oh my god and then said you're so hairy so he's now like fuck my life she starts going and apparently the whole time she was like oh my god struggling with it started working her way up from the bottom the hour ran out she had literally got halfway up which went you're gonna have to book him for next week i've run out of time can't finish right so he came home so he told the story we are absolutely we're in the living room i have lost i have lost it at this point i'm'm on the floor, still laughing from, oh, my God.

He lifted his top up. Oh, sheeps. It was a thing of beauty. From the neck down, it was beautiful jaguar pelt, thick, black, shiny pelt. Then an abrupt stop to it, and then a pink little Asian tummy, perfectly waxed. It looked sore and tender oh

fuck me it was so funny and that night we were all going out he was like I can't get anything that fits nothing fits

because he put a t-shirt on and you could see like a ridge it looked like he was wearing a bra fucking amazing oh that's incredible

oh my god my favourite story on a similar sort of line was when we were a kid. One of my... So when we grew up on our street, there was four of us who were similar ages.

So when I was in year eight, there was two lads in year seven and one in year nine. So we were all within two years of each other good mates. One called Adam, one called Lee and one called Bernard. And... What? Bernard, yeah. He he wasn't he's not a dog or there's a kid called bernard there's currently a 27 year old man in liverpool called bernard yeah that's hard work isn't it yeah his parents what year were you born his parents literally signed off on that in 1993 yeah

yeah there's gonna be no problem with this do you know what I was called Vincent for a week have I ever told you that they were gonna call you Vincent Adam Rowe

no my I don't know what my middle name was gonna be but my grandad's called Vincent so I was born first grandchild and my mum was like

naming after me dad. Yeah. Vincent. We're going to call him Vinnie, but as birth certificate, I'll say Vincent. And for a week, she was going,

this is me little baby boy, his name's Vincent. And everyone was going, what the fuck are you doing in 1992? You stupid woman. So she changed it. What name is it? Honestly, I think Bernard is,

I don't even mind the name, but that's hard, isn't it? Are you a Brazilian footballer? Bernard. He's probably the youngest Bernard. At some point, all the other Bernards will be dead and it'll just be him. Yeah, but their names come back round, don't they?

That's not coming back. Do you not think Bernard's coming back? That had a 15-year period. That is the Nottingham Forest of names. They had a good decade and that is the Nottingham Forest of names they had a good decade and that's that I think that with names you know like old women's names like Ethel and Peggy

like when I was a kid they were your grandparents names no one was called that but then that's come back round I would love to know when Linda's coming back round I don't think baby Linda's coming back for a wee while. No linda's sort of like um the i want to speak to your manager age at the minute isn't it it's like

like 40s they've got to be grandparents proper before that starts coming back they have to there has to be no great grandparents left with that name for it to become popular again so you're looking at about 90 years from now someone's gonna look at another baby girl and go, oh, should we call it Linda? Bernard and Linda. Have you seen my new kids? My new kids. I got some new kids. Have you seen my new kids?

But yeah, Bernard went to... You know, because I grew up with him. I've never truly appreciated how fucking ridiculous it is that I've got a friend who's younger than me called Bernard until right now. He went to the barbers. Now, Bernard used to get a number one all over. That was his haircut he'd just get from a young age, just a one. And halfway through his haircut, the lecky went in the barber shop

oh my god so he'd literally done half his hair and he comes literally back round and he's got both his hands on his head so we lived about

a ten minute walk from the barbers right and he comes back round and we're all playing footy on the corner and he's holding his head like this

and we're like what are you doing he's like fuck off fucking leave me alone fucking leave me alone fuck off fuck off we're like what are you doing he's like off leave me alone leave me alone off off we're like what are you doing he went lucky he's gone in the barb so

like we i think all three of us literally fell over laughing like yeah you gotta show you there you gotta show you there um and he went in and he wouldn't come out for like a day and a half but even a couple of days later when he come out it still looked absolutely fucking ridiculous what had they done just open around the back and then it stopped they they've done so it the barber by ours had a reputation for being quite cheap but he was the only local barber right so he he didn't really stick to traditional barbering methods whereas like if you went to get a number one in a proper barbers, they'd probably do this side and then this bit and then round the back and then this side and then they do the top.

And they do it in sections so that it all looks nice and neat. I think he just... You know like you give a kid in a wacky warehouse something to colour in and they're just... He's like the demon bar. He's literally just making his own tracks Just fucking around It looked like

He'd been attacked by a wild owl A wild I love it how you just You tried to get an animal in your head I tried to get a bird And I nearly said eagle What a Liverpool do you live in? I nearly went for eagle.

On the streets of Dovecot, the eagle stalks. Oh, that's brutal. Sometimes, because I shave my own head and then if you just do a bit of it and if like Laura goes, and I'm like, yes, mum.

You look like you're going in for an operation. Stick down, Dan. Like you've got a brain tumor like they're going to have to go in through, you know, like the shave. Like, when you... An operation on your dog where you shave your dog and then that's where the stitches are going. So you do...

But you don't ever want to leave that. Nothing makes you look more mental than that and then being called Bernard as well. Poor lad. What did his mum do? Did they just have to go back? Yeah, they went back, like, two days later. Oh, my mum would have been at that with scissors, you know.

This is a Saturday as well. So like the Sunday it was shut. That's why it took two days. But mate, I would have, if soon as I'd got home, not that I was ever allowed my head shaved, my mom would have been like, nah, you see, I could have done it in the first place. That bitch was evil with scissors.

I think she did do that though. She would have just gone straight at it. But it still doesn't take it down to a one, does it? There's no scissors in the way There's no scissors To a one Fucking Bernard Is he alright now Do you still in touch with him

I don't really speak to him anymore No We haven't fell out or anything It's just you drift apart Yeah You just depart Because you don't want to be like Here's my mate Bernard

Is he single I don't know I haven't got a clue You can't call out If he's having sex The girl he. You can't call out... If he's having sex, the girl he's with can't call out. Oh, Bernard. Fuck me, Bernard.

Fucking Jack Russell turns up out of nowhere. You called? Oh, Bernard, you dirty bastard. Bernard? Bernard? do you know i've checked the stats on this and podcast we are getting lots of downloads in australia canada and the united states wow and it's little moments like that when i think that's the funniest shit about bernie fuck me bernie there must be someone in like missouri going what the fuck is going on what are these lids doing

oh at least you know what a lid is oh my god so uh where have you been gigging the weekend lad well i had a diary fuck up and i had fr Friday night off and it was an absolute touch Thursday I was in Leyland so I had this really weird un-rock and roll sort of evening of sitting with my grandad who's nearly 95

for an hour and a half and then within 10 minutes because the gig was 10 minutes around the corner I was on stage and I it almost was like too quick a gear change

I don't think they give me the right tablets and the next minute I'm like aye guys these are my stupid jokes then I had Friday night off for a diary botch up that

was meant to be at Hot Water they had a system error on their diary but Binti that works the diary at Hot Water he's a mate of both of ours couldn't have been more sound about it

and he was like oh I'm really sorry mate but I'll make up for it with the Saturday night they've got so many gigs at Hot Water in Liverpool I thought I was earning

what I was earning they botched the diary apologised put some extra work in down the line to make up for it and then they have so many gigs on the Saturday that I ended up with exactly the same money

I thought I was going to get for two nights. On the Saturday? On the Saturday. They were like, is that all right? I was like, yeah. Yeah, do you know what?

I think it's fine. Got a Friday night off playing with your balls. Yeah, I got, just me and mum. And, fuck. Yeah, it was a long night and mum. And... Fuck. Yeah, it was a long night, though. It was a long night on Saturday.

And luckily, I've got a new bit about the... The five o'clock shows. Yeah, I've got... If you've got a newer bit, doing five shows on a Saturday night is great because you're tuning up a new bit. I can imagine those comics

who don't change the stuff never have new stuff if you're or if you've got if you've got a set that's six months a year old because you're going on tour or something

doing it five times a night is not good because you're like I know every in and out I know the breath I know the I know

you don't maybe you could start fucking around but Saturday night it's not a great night to fuck around loads it's hard I did Hot Wars a lot over Christmas

and those Saturdays sometimes we had five shows I think the most we did in a day was like seven and seven sets in one day you're sort of between a rock and a hard place because you want to work a new bit in when you've got that many gigs you're like I want to at least get a new minute out of this where i've by the end of the day i'm like that's that's ready now

but at the same time i struggle when i'm doing so many sets to sort of be like have i already said this so what i try to do is i do the exact same set in the exact same order on a night like that so i know what i've said because i know exactly what point in this 20 minute monologue that i'm up to i can't possibly have said this next thing because i would have ordered do you know what i mean yeah i think it's not a bad way of doing it really so on those days i i tend to just annoyingly do that um but the the weekend just gone i had just two gigs a night so i was doing the black bill comedy station opening and closing the Frog and that's good for I think that's

peak for comedy you know, you know that second gig, that's the best you ever are as a comic is when you are doing the second gig of the night your first gig you can smash it, don't get me wrong you can have a good set it's very common for us to just do one gig but when you've got a double in

that second gig i always feel like i'm on absolute fire at the second one i think on the third yeah you're already past your sell-by date a little bit but by the fourth and fifth i mean it kind of worked really well this weekend i had four good four really good ones and then ended on a belter. Yeah. But I mean, I've had that go the other way loads. And I got back, and I felt like tired, like I had a fucking job. You've been on a shift. You're like, God, that is,

I pretty much have spent the last nearly 20 years doing stand-up to not feel like, God, that was a job. Yeah. And yeah, luckily, it's a good gig. It's a great gig, Hot Water. You couldn't, if like a shit gig got successful we're like yeah we basically sell tickets to knobheads there's loads of stagnants

but we we do five shows you'll be like i don't think i could do that you have to pay my mortgage for three months to literally get me to hate my life that many times in one night yeah with the hot water the crowds are amazing and it's fun it's it's a great club and black blackpool and manchester were fucking phenomenal this weekend as well like uh on first in black bill not not as well sold because it's out of season in black bill so i think there was like 40 people in on friday and maybe like 80 on the saturday and it's a new club it's getting there isn't it it is but it's a fucking great room man like 40 people in great to play 70, 80 people in great to play

I'm back there with my tour show in a couple of months and and it's run by a good guy oh he's such a nice lad Ryan and if you are listening and you're in Blackpool go and check it out

on whatever nice I think it's open Thursday Friday, Saturday at the minute maybe Sundays as well but check their website I think it's Blackpool they're definitely Blackpool Comedy on Twitter so go there and from there you'll find the website and stuff but go and support that club because it's so so so fun when people say support live comedy it's very it's

like a generic thing that a lot of comics say at the end of a set and we all need that to happen that's great because not a lot of famous comics as they disappear up the ranks there's only some of them drop down and help out comedy clubs. A lot of them are like, wow, I'm done with the circuit, great. But the circuit needs help in places, but that place is trying to do something really important. It's opening a purpose-built comedy club in Blackpool, which is proper, like, got one foot in the 70s and 80s,

and they're like, that's anything, we've still got the churns on. Like, the mainstream comedy circuit doesn't work nearly any other town or city centre, and in Blackpool, it still goes strong. And alternative comedy, I mean, really,

we're the mainstream, isn't it? But in Blackpool, what Ryan Gleeson's trying to do is something important and drag Blackpool into 2020. And it's hard to sell the ticket. So if you're anywhere on the Fowl Coast, Blackpool, and you just want to go and see a good comedy club

that's in its first stages of just getting it right, it should be a massive thing. Something Ryan said at the weekend is a lot of people, locals of Blackpool, are put off going to the comedy club in Blackpool because they think it's going to be all Roy Chubby Brown tribute acts and stuff. And a lot of people from Blackpool often travel into even as far as

Manchester to go to the comedy store. Or locals yeah they don't use the town centre. And I'm not saying don't travel to the comedy store or Hot Water in Liverpool if you're from Blackpool do whatever the fuck you want but don't think that you can't go to a great local comedy club in Blackpool that's got acts, especially the headlining

in Blackpool as good as any other especially the headlining in Blackpool, as good as any other club. It's great. Tickets are not expensive. But I understand why people are put off by Blackpool City Centre because that car park to gig walk is a, if you can do that walk and not

raise your eyebrows, you're either not concentrating or you've had to get back because i'm like whoa what the fuck are we yeah like coming back to the car at 11 10 past 11 and there's a mom with two kids and a double buggy you're like love where you going why are you worried about you why are you in town why midnight with a three-year-old? This town? Yeah. Where have you been?

It's not like you've got like, oh, we're in Bath. I think there might be a place in Blackpool that has spawned single mothers at 11pm every Saturday night. And they just fire one out with two kids and she just has to fend for herself. Blackpool soft play. We don't open until 7pm. The kids usually lie in but you know we've got a lag

since till 2am you know obviously I've met him that guy you're doing an impression of I've met him several times

he's a nice guy as long as you do the words right it's not racist to white working class Blackpool people thanks very much thank you

aye aye alright and then the frog man the frog was great this weekend white working class black pill people thanks very much thank you aye aye alright and then the frog man the frog was great this weekend it was one of those weekends of the frog where

and for those uninitiated with it the frog has got a reputation amongst comedians where it can be amazing and it can be a bit chatty and leery

especially when you're closing towards the end and it was just one of those weekends where the audience were up for it to their own was comparing

superb job yeah I had a great weekend do you know the Frog and Bucket is changing because those that reputation

is I think an old reputation and obviously every comedy club has their nights where you're like last time it was lovely and then on

the Saturday you're like god it's salt isn't it but I think it's a massively improved set up and I think Manchester's you're like god it's salt isn't it um but i think it's a massively improved setup and i think manchester's changing around the frog there's more graduates and young professionals living around there the skyline's changing yeah and then obviously like any comedy club there's those nights where you're like okay it's not completely

changed though the last few times i've been there it's been great and i think jess again if we're big enough ryan and black boo we've got a big big up Jess at the Frog who the fuck is that guy oh Jess Jess Jess one of my bosses at the Frogamucket who the fuck

is that girl she's done a fucking great job and then so that was my Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday night I feel like you're

building up to a gig that wasn't as enjoyable at the floor as yours you know me so well we're only five weeks in and you just get me feel like you're building up to a gig that wasn't as enjoyable at him the floor is yours you know me so well we're only five weeks in and you just get me you know what i mean so last night was um and we're not going to do too much super bowl super bowl chats at all but

we were both quite excited about that game and i really wanted to see it i've been saying to jade all week i'm really really excited about this i, all I want to do is get through my weekend of gigs, so Super Bowl Sunday, I'm on the couch, I was making my own wings, I bought the ingredients to make my own buffalo sauce, I bought nachos, so I can make my own nachos. I'm having my own little solo Super Bowl party. You bought a gun, you really went

American. Woo! We made abortion illegal in our house for the day. That's literally... I saw myself saying something and you went... There was a reporter that I saw. You go, fuck it, we're doing it. Oh, you got a slave anyway.

She doesn't like to be called that. Her name is Jade and she is my girlfriend. Mine's called Mum. Okay, now. like to be called that her name is jade and she is my girlfriend mine's called mom well you know so i was proper excited for it like uh i've been sort of really looking forward to it all week and you know when you've got a gig in and it's in your diary and you know it's there but you keep forgetting it that you've got it in right you're just like i think i've got sunday off oh no i've got to go and do that gig so I was in I've written it down I think Was that Was that It was literally there

The whole time And I just kept forgetting Even Sunday afternoon I was in like Me boxies Playing FIFA Like I can't wait for the Super Bowl

I've got a fucking gig In the fucking middle of this Yeah It was at Ormskirk For Adam Rushton Now Yeah man Look

I don't mind Rushton at all But I got an email A couple of days before the gig, and I was closing. It's a little 30-seat gig in a gin bar. Yeah, I've done it. In Ormskirch, the Milo Lounge. Yeah.

And he goes, oh, it's a really nice gig, and arrived by nine o'clock. And I was like, to close, nine o'clock. Yeah. And the headline act at nine o'clock i'm a fucking suspect about this but to be fair adam you might get stuck in traffic you know from your bit of liverpool to ormskirk all that sunday night massive it's a 23 minute drive can get very busy evening mass i could know there's a lot of good catholics in the area i could have walked it

like so he told me to get there for nine so i messaged him on the day and i went hey adam come on we're all mates here what's my stage time what's my stage time yeah 9 30 i said okay i see what you've done you want me there half an hour early okay and i thought you know what i'll behave i don't want anyone to be able to have any reason to say this was my fault. I left my house at 8.30. I parked up. I walked into the building at 9.02. It's not started. The gig started.

All right. But the middle section hasn't, right? Oh, yeah. So 10 past 9, middle section starts. Compare does 12 minutes. The first of two middle acts, who's meant to do 10, does 15. The second middle act does 10. And then for a 30 people comedy night,

30 fucking people, there was a 32 minute interval, right? And literally at one, I think I pissed the owner off and I don't think I'll ever get to do the gig again. And you know what? Case of fucking rah. Because everyone's-

You will never play arm skirt again everyone sat down ready to go and the owner went outside for a ciggy and he was just taking ages and like the the comp is like oh i've got to wait for him to come back in and in the end i went mate we're good to go we did the fucking gig and he looked at me anyway oh i didn't realize you were in a rush i went kind of i'm sorry mate gotta get so 20 past 10 i finally got on stage arrive at 9 p.m i got on stage at 20 past 10 yeah i had to do i think i was meant to do half an hour it was a tight 19 uh and i i got my money and got off but by time i got home i didn't have time to make me fucking wings didn't have time to make me nachos i had to have a mcdonald's it's not the same i wanted

homemade buffalo wings i bought frozen chicken wings with no spice or nothing just plain old fucking chicken wings to make myself but i didn't buy buffalo sauce i bought white wine vinegar frank's red hot sauce cane pepper garlic powder and i bought everything untouched it's all in a bag in the kitchen because I didn't make my own fucking wings. You just had to use McDonald's sweet and sour dip. Not to say. I literally had to use McDonald's sweet curry sauce

to dip chips into. It was so fucking abysmal. So this is a shout out to every fucking promoter in the country. Star Trust and comedians, if we're on stage at 20 past 10, tell us we're on stage at 20 past 10 tell us we're on stage at 20 past fucking 10 i don't want to arrive and now we're in 20 minutes what if i wanted to double that night you've got to be here by nine why oh just in case anything happens and we cancel

the middle section and just make it if i if i was in the middle i could have arrived 10 minutes after i was told to arrive yeah fucking pissed off i remember doing a gig for off the curb one of the big london promoters when i was starting out so this is years ago and they were like you've got to be there for 5 30 to do a sound check i was like oh god that seems really early like a fucking absolute newbie i'm there for half past five colchester takes right on an afternoon takes like five hours i was living in manchester at the time got there and i walked in and the people who went to the venue were like what the fuck are you doing here it's like um hi i'm one of the comedians um uh i'm new can you tell um it says a 5 30 p.m sound check and then it's a 7.30 start. They were like, it starts more like 8.30,

quarter to nine. Oh my God. They cold walk round Colchester just because off the curb are shit bikes. Three hours early. And they're like, yeah, let's just tell them really

just to get them in the town because then it's safe, isn't it? So that's what they do. They treat you like fucking children. And don't get me wrong, some promoters will listen to this and go, yeah, but some promoters

are fucking children. Fine. Treat them like children. don't treat all comics like children because if you do it'll be the promoter that cried wolf it starts at nine you need to be there for nine i'll just start adding an hour for for like yeah but i'm just giving you a bit of twat tax on that because i know you've taken a piss and then that'll sting when it's like oh god we did start at nine you know like yeah just look just treat everyone like i tell us half an hour before our stage time that's the that's when we need to be in to be fair well i don't even agree like i you need half an hour wiggle room you need to aim for that go wrong yeah you need to aim and also if you don't ask for half an hour, we know several bell-ends,

if you tell them 8pm show start, they're like, yeah, well, I'll just roll in at 2 minutes too, because I don't give a shit. They're the dickheads who ruin it for everyone else. Yeah, so there's a common problem here, isn't there? So promoters, you need to, certainly as far as you can, trust comedians that if the show starts at 8, we know we've

got to be there by quarter to ten to at the absolute latest we'll be there you're not going to be panicking and other comedians can you stop being a fucking nightmare and walking in at one minute to show time i've been guilty of this i'm not going to do it anymore we need to fix this fucking problem it's a big thing and i think innovatively here we've done our first have a word honestly have a word with all the promoters who are liars yeah who are you're not running a fucking nursery just

be honest with grown-ups and then also all the other like pretend grown-ups who go how do comedy and I'm fucking Peter Pan get in a gig at

a reasonable time because you are making promoters twitchy and nervy and it's like gigging for your grandad. Like, ooh, what time did you say you were being here? You need to allow traffic.

Liverpool to Lombskirt's a nightmare on a Sunday. No, it's not. Shut up, you old fucker. I think there was three other cars on the road. Everyone looking at you like, where are you going? Go home. It's Super Bowl, dickhead. Make a nice dip.

There's a single mother with two babies like, where the fuck are you going? She's judging me. I'm going to Blackpool. I know that. For some heroin and some soft play. Yeah, have a word, guys. Start telling comedians when they're going to be on

and not an hour and a half before. Oh, yeah. Everyone stop being late. If we're talking about timekeeping just stop being fucking late like just for anything don't be that bellend who's like do you know i love doing this podcast with you you go i'll be there for 12 30 you turn up at 12 30 it's like fucking how easy is that then you today you're like can we just do it a little bit later i was like absolutely no problem because i know you're like, can we just do it a little bit later? I was like, absolutely no problem. Because I know when you give me that, so it'd be 1.30 and you turned up at 1.30. How remarkable is that?

That I'm like, isn't that great? It's not great. It's just fucking polite. But it stands out because some people are like, oh yeah, I forgot that sometimes it takes a long time to open my front door. It's just fucking selfish. It really pisses me off. People who're fucking selfish it really pisses me off people who can't time keep pisses me off if you're on a date and someone turns up late i'm out i think honestly that should be you should just walk i have i have this argument

with jade all the time and anyone who's followed me for a while will know this the following story i'm not sure whether you know it already you ever seen me do it on stage this is a true story so um a few years ago i was doing the belfast empire gig right and i asked jade will you pick me up from the airport the next day and she was like yeah what time do you get in i was like uh what one o'clock right and she texted me and was like i've just checked the the flight thing and it says there's no plane that lands from belfast at one o'clock so is it half one or 11 in the morning and i went right it's half one but i told you half an hour earlier so that you had half an hour to be the half an hour late that you were definitely going to be and you still wouldn't be fucking late right so she's like you cheeky fucking cunt i'm coming to pick you up from the airport blah blah blah blah and i went look it's a fairly reasonable

assumption considering you've been late for everything we've ever fucking done i know i can tell you you've got i'm giving you that half an hour window but now you know it's half one so i'm not going to be late i said well why don't we have a bet then let's have an actual bet right so she went well what is it i went how about this right if uh i can't remember what her win was if she was on time right but my win was an hour's worth of blowjob time like a stop and start if i come in three minutes three minutes is off the clock right that was that was literally the the best and she was like fine i'll be fucking on time so uh the next day i get off the plane out the airport i'm looking she's not here right so i gave her a little 10 minute window

i was like i've won and then i rang her and the smugness in my voice i was like i fucking knew you were gonna be late i've fucking told you and that was worth a blowjob for me and she goes i've been in quite a serious car crash right so it was a it was a she she'd slid in schemers dale um going around a bend hit her car into like the the bit that upholds a bridge right she wrote her card off oh dear and she was like i was like are you okay i'm absolutely fine i'm not i'm a bit like the bit that upholds a bridge. She throws her car off. Oh dear. And she was like, I was like, are you okay? She went, I'm absolutely fine.

I'm not, I'm a bit shaken up, but I'm not here. There's no problems. But yeah, I can't come and pick you up from the airport. So I went, babe, I'll get a taxi. It's absolutely no problem at all. But you have lost the bet. Even with whiplash, I need those blowjobs. She's lost the bet.

Yeah. She lost the bet. It wasn'tash and it does she's lost the bet yeah she lost the bet it wasn't like if you are on and the reason she crashed the car was because she was rushing because she was late so technically yeah so um we had a massive fall i was about this she was like this disgusting channel and also i wasn't late i was absent and i was like, this is disgusting. You're trying to clean this place. And also, I wasn't late. I was absent. And I was like, what the fuck? Are you trying to get us on a technical house? She went, did I turn up at the airport? I said, no. She went, so, I'm not late. I'm absent.

I went, what the fuck do you mean? She went, well, right. If you don't go to school on a Tuesday and you go in on the Wednesday, you're not late on the Tuesday anymore, are you? You've been absent. That's a good reason, dude. And I went, yeah, but that's because there's fixed time periods of when you're not late on the Tuesday anymore are you? you've been absent good reasoning that's because there's fixed time periods of when school starts and ends

you're late you didn't turn up at the airport it was a schedule, she was like it doesn't fucking matter I went so you can never be late, she went no if I ever go to Liverpool, John Lennon airport then I will be late ever again.

Mate, that is such a shitty technicality she's trying to get out of here. Then we went on holiday and she made me book it from Manchester Airport. Just to knock some of your dick. It was cheaper to go from Liverpool and it's so much easier for us to get to. I'm not going from Liverpool

because then you'll win the bet. She's literally written off her local airport just to not lose a bet. And then she forgot at one point and I asked her to pick me up again. I think it was coming back from, it might have been coming back from there again or some other gig where you're flying from, maybe Dubai. No, Dubai or Fleece London, wherever it was. And she turned up at the airport and I got in the car with a big smile on my face. She went, what the fuck's the matter with you?

And I went, you've lost the bet and the blood that drained from her face she was so upset it was fantastic and i did enforce me winnings i've had them now you've had it all yeah yeah all right yeah i do do do do i don't god his wheelie thought let's do a feature I fucking love this bed right I don't have a word

we have a word but I also want to throw in a new feature okay would you rathers okay so you've got some would you rathers We have a word. But I also want to throw in a new feature. Okay. Would you rathers. Okay. So you've got some would you rathers.

Because you famously, I've done a podcast with you where you famously threw out the would you rather have nipples for dicks or dick. Would you rather have your dick be the size of your nipples or your nipples be the size of your dickipples that's it or your nipples be the

size of your dick now the credit for this goes out to carl regler my best mate who currently lives in japan uh he uh he gave me this conundrum a while back and yeah so before we start this if anyone wants to get in with their answer about that tweet us at have a word pod or instagram us at have a word pod you can even email us at have a word pod at gmail.com. Would you rather your penis be the size of your nipples or your nipples be the size of your dick? And we, we,

we, we ironed out some things with this last time. One of the things is if you choose to have dick sized nipples, they also act like dick. So whenever you actually get erect, they get erect. Whenever you come, they come to.

Yeah. Um, I decided that that's the way to go because i would never want i mean i'm already packing a pretty average but i can't go any smaller do you know i'm not downsizing i'm already a hatchback i'm not going to like a fucking you know chinko chento there's no yeah not because i can't do that can't leave that much space in the garage. There's not. Yeah. I think on the one- I would take my little two erect fucking dick nipples. I really would. I'd just pin it, I'd just tape them down.

Like, I think, yeah. I mean, that's the obvious one, isn't it? To say I want dick nipples, which is a great- I'm not having a fucking nipple-sized dick. Yeah. Then again, if there's old people getting in touch and then they're not having sex anymore I don't know

I'm trying to think of anyone who might have a a nipple dick who might choose the nipple what micro penis? that shit's real there might be people listening through it going that guy's I have a micro dick and if you do if you do have a micro dick what we want to know from you is would you swap

it for six inch nipples wait if you could i'm telling you right now if anyone is living through having a micro dick they'd swap it for a fucking baked potato they would swap it for literally anything that just did any damage. It's weird. It's a potato shape, but at least I can feel something. Trying to fucking thumb in your nipple. I'm telling you, no one's going to get in touch because no one's going to be like, hi guys, could you have a word with my dick?

It's the size of a nipple. Nipple dicks. So that was a ridiculous have a word with my dick? It's the size of a nipple. Nipple dicks. Right. So, that was a ridiculous have a word. But I like it. I like the game. If that was a ridiculous would you rather, you mean? Sorry, what did I say?

You said a ridiculous have a word. Oh, yes, sorry. Remember what feature we're doing. Sorry, sorry, love. The dementia's kicking in. It really is. Mum. If you've got one for us,

if you've got one that you'd like to post to us, it's just a simple game of Would You Rather. And if it's absolutely dreadful, we'll not say it out loud, but if it's reasonably amusing, we'll give it a go. I'm going to work through some of these. I'll take them off and then we'll never do them again.

Adam Rowe. I'm reading these would you rather okay not eat pizza for a year or only be able to eat pizza not eat pizza for a year right that's such an open goal

yeah that easy easy one I could live without pizza I don't I'm not a big pizza guy not a big pizza guy like I like it

but it has to be really good. So there's a place in Liverpool called American Pizza Slice. Yeah. And other than John's on Bleecker in New York, American Pizza Slice is the best pizza I've ever had. Is it near the Burnout Cathedral?

Yeah, near the Bombdog Church, yeah. What did I call it? The Burnout Cathedral. What's it really called? The Bombdog Church. The Bombdog Church. Because it wasn't burned as it was bombed out and it's not a cathedral, it's a church.

So we sort of went with the obvious. Yeah. I mean, it did make sense. It's the smoked out synagogue. Is it the windowless place of worship? How to look like a tourist in Liverpool. Are they kids? It's the muddied mosque.

Have you got the not finished temple? Is it anywhere near? It's the uncleaned community center where the quakers go you'd miss it you'd miss it when your pizza but of course the alternative is you know when you wake up for that like after a month of pizza morning noon at night yeah you would look like a fucking murder for a bowl of cornflakes see this this is such pizza this is such an easy one for me because having the same thing constantly

is just a fucking nightmare so and I my favourite like sort of junk food is probably salt and pepper chicken like salt and chilli

like with five spice shifam and chinese and I would I'd live without that for a year rather than just eat that every day yeah easy did you watch supersize me when it was on back in the day no that's a really good watch where he because obviously they have the breakfast menu and he just so is it Morgan Spurlock he he

he got his bloods done he's got like basically health checkup and at the time I think he was about 30 35 years old and he's a perfectly healthy bloke for his age and within a month his kidneys were shutting down because he was just so lacking in nutrient and his body was having to process so much crap that they put in the mcdonald's and that was even and and the thing that at the time with they had supersized fries and everything and if at the drive-thru or at the restaurant they were and would supersized fries and everything. And if at the drive through or at the restaurant, they were, and would you like to go supersize with that?

He had to say yes. So, and it was, I think halfway through the film, he's trying to eat and he's about two weeks in and he's just physically sick after trying to eat another McDonald's. Like his body's going, get this shit out of me. It's just,

I eat junk food a lot. I eat junk food a lot. I eat junk food a lot. Like just one junk food. You've got to balance that out. Yeah. I, so that's a, that's an open goal for me.

Jimmy McGee's got a great line about, um, about comedian. Jimmy McGee's got a great line about McDonald's, which is simple. Like if you're over 30, eating McDonald's is essentially self-harm. It's so true.

Don. Fireman to Chris. I like it. Would you rather be able to run at 100 miles an hour or be able to fly at 10 miles an hour? Fly at 10 miles an hour? be able to fly at 10 miles an hour fly at 10 miles an hour really what be able to fly at 10 miles an hour fly yeah fly i cannot i'm pretty quick me i reckon i'm probably on 80 Mate You The way you said that

I know I think you were like There's like Obviously I'm joking But there was just a second When I saw something In your eyes like Yeah but lads

You are quite fast Just because Liverpool Are trouncing the league You're not fucking Sadio Mane No I am Pretty fast though You know

I am quite fast for me size Really How are you at changing direction? Because you don't look like you'd be very fucking quick around a tight corner, mate. I reckon, straight line, I probably hit 60, 70 mile an hour. Like, if you give me long enough to... Give you long enough? How are you looking to do it with me? I tell you what, 70 mile an hour. Like, if you give me long enough. Give you long enough? How are you looking to walk?

I tell you what, honestly, when it gets into that fifth minute, the speed really gets up. You'd be dead by the end of the fucking road. Look, I'm not claiming to be the quickest out of the trap, right? My acceleration's not there yet, and I'm working on it.

But top speed, 60, 70 mile an hour all right cool so that extra 30 mile an hour i'd happily forego that to be able to fly could you imagine if if the 100 miles an hour you got up too quickly how if you just got blessed it like from it like they'd have to be a godlike gift to you how at 27 years old adam adam row now is uh he's just come through the qualifying for the olympics and uh i mean he does stand out doesn't he four black guys from america three jamaicans 16 stone white guys uh representing representing Liverpool and you're fucking and you're fucking

retro candy Liverpool kid like the world of science just confused you'd spend the next two weeks getting tested

for steroids and be like this cunt's juicing something i'm just like i i don't know what it is i'm just going this way so yeah i i choose to be able to fly x amount of equipment why why would you what were you gonna do with 10 miles an hour flight like look at him look at him he's flying mom look he's flying. Mum, mummy, look, he's flying. And he's up in the air. And then you're just like...

Are you fucking mental? Where are you going? It doesn't matter. Like, just to be able to fly at all, one mile an hour on a Tuesday. And what are you going to do with it? Just fly. To where?

Anywhere. I'd be able to run faster than... Where are you going to fly to? The shops. Gradually. I'd just be able to have a look at stuff. You'd fly to? The shops. Gradually. I'd just be able to have a look at stuff. You'd fly to Ormskirk

to do that gig and you'd still be late. I'd still be fucking early. Defo. You'd still miss your stage. It's only 20 miles away.

I'd be the Olympic champion of every form of running. I think you're forgetting that like you can't fly. No human can fly. You'd be like a marvel you can fucking fly

daniel yeah imagine being in an argument with someone and just being like i've had enough of this and you can just float up bye i'm off yeah but then about four minutes after the advert after the advert after the argument you'd still be like within earshot that guy's still a cunt he just floats away very slowly over the trees so would you choose the running one i choose the running why because i'd just be the olympic champion of fucking everything yeah but i'd be the only person who could fly yeah but you just look a bellend when you were doing it you are do you know how bored people who get that be like oh my god there's a guy that can fly don't it be amazing and then they'll be like watch him fly and it and you just it'd be that one you've got one trick and it's boring after a while just

watching you float yeah adam yeah you're right you still can you can you do anything else apart from fly you know what you know this sounds? It sounds like I can actually fly. And you've had too much coke and alcohol and I'm going to fall on that. And you're like, do you know what, mate? You've got one trick and it's fucking boring. I'm getting annoyed with you. Like you can actually fly.

You've got one trick and I'm not fucking interested in it. I'm going for a run. I'm going to Coventry and back. I'll see you in five minutes. Also with the running, like if you could run at a hundred miles an hour, have you ever put your head out the window of a car at like 15? You're like,

fuck. Like, no, I'm not a dog. No, you never tried to put your head out of a window. No, I haven't.

Given it a go. No. Have you done that? Have you ever put your hand out of the window on a motorway yeah fucking hurts

so 100 miles an hour is going to be a fucking nightmare you know if you just go for a jog and you come back and you've got all this unless you go with

like a full moe you can make your motorway a dynamo and you just like run with your head down get your head down fucking run also where are you

running at 100 miles an hour yeah it's just in competition but how like if you can run 100 mile an hour that doesn't mean you can just stop on a pinhead so you're going to be doing the 100 meters and then ending up fucking running into the stadium and killing some poor old cunt in a wheelchair who got the disabled tickets that guy's fast but he can't slow down for shit. It's a massive padded area.

I'd like to twat it into it. Definitely test these guys for some Russian fucking fly. I'd fucking fly. I'm not convinced about that. Right, one more. And then we'll crack on with some other words. How old are you now? 28.

You're 28 years old would you rather live to 85 years old with your health so you're healthy and just go at 85 peaceful granddad adam just fucking died in his sleep yeah or win a hundred million pounds now and be dead at 50. Dead at 50? With a hundred mil? Yeah. Dead at 50 without the hundred mil. Would you take 50? That's enough, isn't it?

I've actually got a routine at the minute that I say I'm going to kill myself at 50 because it's enough that you've done. Yeah. I mean, is that literally how bad you feel about your potential health that you're like, I'll take 50? Do you know what? It's quite a funny one considering my routine. Because what I say is I'm going to kill myself at 50

because I know how unhealthy I am. But if I thought I could make it to 80, I would stay alive. So it's a very interesting. I think for the sake of having 100 mil, I'd say I'd be happy to die at 50 and just fucking smash the next 22 years in I think 100 million is so much

that you'd be like oh like I'm 39 next month and for 100 million I'd be like well that is a lot though isn't it

I'd take a ball in 11 years I'd give Liverpool 50 million towards Mbappe right how much of a Liverpool fan are you you've got 100 million 11 years. I'd give Liverpool 50 million towards Mbappe. Right. How much of a Liverpool fan are you? You've got 100 million, you're dead at 50. Right, killing Mbappe, there you go. Yeah, I absolutely would.

If they were like, we're 50 mil short, I'd be like, yeah. 10 million. What if I changed it to 10 million? Live to 85 with your health, or 10 million and you're dead at 50? I'd still take the 10. I think 10 million and you're dead at 50? I'd still take the £10. I think £10 million and £100 million are closer together than £100 and £10 grand. Do you know what I mean? Right, I know what you mean.

Like, I still don't think I could spend the £10 million. Yes, you fucking... Yeah, I could if you really tried, but I'd still have just as good a life as I would with £100 million or £10 million. Would you stay in Liverpool with 100 million, or would you be out like the Cote d'Azur and fucking Caribbean? I'd buy the two-bedroom house I'm in right now.

Oh, God. That's so working. But get it fucking pimped out. I'd get suspension on my two-bedroom house. I'm not going to be there. I'm going to be fucking globetrotting, so I'd buy it. Just put my dad in it. Make sure he's all right.

I think that's the argument with a hundred. If you won a hundred million and you're like from a crappy northern town, like what? So you could go to one of these places where the uber wealthy are and just be another bell end with like, oh my God, what has he got? Just a hundred million.

Or I could go back to Preston and fucking ball out. Yeah. I'd be the richest man in Preston and fucking ball out. Yeah. I'd be the richest man in Preston. I'd just be in nightclubs just going, you get a drink. You get a drink.

You're going to buy me a drink. Yeah, but I think once you get known as the guy with 100 million in Preston, you just, every time you go in a nightclub and don't buy everyone a drink,

you're like, all right, it's tight arse again. I'm on 17 gram the year, no bed. What would you pay I don't think I could do it for 10 I'm 39 next month

but for 100 I'd be like I'd take 11 years rich as fuck but I mean 85 with your health it's pretty good isn't it also Adam you're pretty good at stand up the way you're

projected you could do alright 85 we could still be doing this podcast would you rather fuck off or fuck off

still gigging for Adam Rushton I tell you another name I'm gigging that Clint Rushton who the fuck is that I'm gigging that cunt Rushton who the fuck is that guy I don't remember who that was

that clip can you imagine if I how old are you you're 39 yeah so you're 11 years older than me can you imagine if I'm 85

and you're 96 and we're still in this room yeah do you know what wearing these hats turns out now you've asked that question I would take 150 quid

and be dead at 50 oh fucking hell that was fucking funny bullshit here's a word from our sponsor. A moment of your time, if you do not mind. Me and Adam are doing live shows, and we'd like some people to come and see us. The young wunderkind Adam Rowell-Lidd

is doing a national tour, so there's tickets all over the shop. Some are selling fast. Go and see the Young Lid Live. I've seen the boy work. It's pretty fucking good. And if you like him on a podcast, you'll definitely like the stuff he's had time to prepare

and practice at comedy shows. AdamRowe.co.uk is the website. You can join his mailing list at AdamRoweComedy. You have to sift through a load of stuff about congratulating himself on being a Liverpool fan. But after that, it gets pretty funny. Have a watch of him on Roast Battle. I think that's coming up.

I'm also doing a one-man show at the Leicester Comedy Festival. And I'm not sure if it's going to sell. So it's at Peter's Pizzeria. I did the venue last year. It's a lovely little sort of 70-seater room above a really nice pizzeria in the middle of Leicester. If you're anywhere in the East Midlands or you're at the Leicester Comedy Festival,

do come and watch the show. It's Sunday the 23rd of February. I would appreciate it. And if you want to find a link for tickets, it will be on my Twitter, at DanHazzaPodcast. That's my Twitter handle. Full commitment.

All right. See you later. If you'd like us to have a word with somebody you know, alright see you later car and buys loads of stuff for it but recently she's taken it too far she bought some new coils for a car to lower this literally i'm such a fucking i'm like really coils i don't know what that is she bought some new coils for a car to lower the suspension meaning she won't be able to get over speed bumps or because she's lowered it proper lowered it she lives around the corner from me and the village town we're in is absolutely full of speed bumps she's even having to change your route to work to go the long way around to avoid bumps in the road not to mention she'll be the bell end with the car two inches from the floor clue her in for her own sake thanks rebecca right well something i feel so unmanly when there's a

girl emailing in about a girl who knows about cars and I'm like, oh Coyle, that was just avoiding pregnancy. What? So she's got, she's basically a girl racer. She's a boy girl racer. And she's turned a fucking Fiat Punto into a Subaru

Impreza. Because the shit of the car the shit of the car that gets done, the more daft it looks like you know like if it's a bmw3 series and it looks kind of rude boy but when it's like you know your fucking citroen saxo like zooped up like those old brusselers adverts do you remember them when it was like people in like a citroen with like a fucking microwave in the back of the car do you remember that what the actual advert or do you remember i remember pimp my ride my ride that was a tim wasn't it tim westwood the british one was the american one was with

exhibit yeah tim westwood man what a fucking enigma of a human he is i can't believe he's like honestly he's about 75 he's 75 years old he's 180 He's 197 years old He's dead But he's not though Yeah but he's still alive He's the ghost of Tim Westwood The ghost of Tim Man this is wicked We're putting in a fucking microwave

Into an Austin Allegra What are we doing He must sometimes be like What am I doing This life is bullshit I don't think he does though I think he's just Tim Westwood And he's just living his best life He's so got no self-awareness and i'm

jealous of people who've got no self-awareness because you just get to be a dickhead you just get to be exactly who you are yeah man and everyone's like aren't you acting like a knob it's like no not really mate i'm just being me and i'm just tim here's nappy with no regrets not intelligent enough to have that like self awareness to be like oh i'm a dickhead yeah that's maybe what's happening with uh rebecca's mate that's lowered the car she's like no i think it looks good is it the dump valve that makes the gears go see if we were talking about what you do with under a million i'd be the twat that pimped out my volvo oh no i'll tell you what i'd do i wouldn't i'd get a shit car and make it look shit from the outside but soup it the fuck up on the inside bentley engine in it yeah like really

like a fucking amazing tuned up mercedes amg engine so you'd literally just pull alongside me in a 06 transit fucking like a citroen picasso people's carrier like literally like a baby on board sign wheelie and a citroen picasso and it'd be like and i'd let it get a bit fucked up and dusty looking and just like have one of the reg plates slightly screwed up but actually if you lift the bonnet there's an amazing

like V8 and like knobheads would pull up to me and they'd hear a rumbling and be like there must be an articulated lorry somewhere and I'd be there

in my Citroen Picasso looking over with like two baby seats in the back going yeah rev like do you want to rev up and they'd be like fucking rip you off and then just like Citroen Picasso looking over with like two baby seats in the back going, yeah, like, do you want to rev up?

And they'd be like, cause fucking rip you off. And then just like, wow, that'd be so satisfying. How, how many times do you stop at a shop and you're in like a fast and furious standoff with the people in the other lane?

What are you talking about? Do you never feel that? Do you never feel that when you're next to someone at the front if you're at the front of the lights yeah i feel like there is an unspoken thing between the person next to you going if you look that's a basically fight some motherfucker you i hardly ever look because i'm really like i don't want the passive-aggressive sort of like are we racing do you never feel that no i am sure people listening to this if you were at the lights and there's two lanes going the same way there i feel of an innate pressure to race the person

next to me and i don't because i've got volvo i do and three points i race people on the streets like i just walk and i don't even tell them no i'm just i'm just like i'm gonna beat you oh and you don't live with them. No, I'm just like, I'm going to beat you, and you don't live with me, but I'll get to my house before you do. Do you not do that? No. You don't just walk and race people?

In your head, you're like, we're racing. Yeah. Mate, we have not come off well from this, have a word. I think we need to have a word with ourselves. I'm imagining we're racing people at light, and you're're walking speed walking over and the winner of this walking race you can't speed walk because then you're cheating you've got to walk it like you've got to look like your normal

walker all right but you're really trying but yeah you've got to you've got to beat them to where you want to go do you ever commentate on the overtake yeah in my head adam adam taking the inside line round the post office. He's gone up on the rise and it looked like he had no chance in here, but oh, he's beaten that guy in the car jacket. He's beaten the old lady with the Zimmer frame. So this girl's souped the car up, but it's negatively affected her life. Yeah, she's lowered her fucking car and there's loads of speed bumps. Yeah, she's lowered her fucking car

and there's loads of speed bumps. Yeah, but, so what? I reckon Rebecca needs to fucking chill, let her mate do

whatever she wants to her car. Well, there's a, yeah, there is a point, you know, when you're dicking

with your car and you're putting eyelashes on like a fucking bellend, I think there's something quite sexy about like a... There's eyelashes

on my car. There is? Is there? Yeah. eyelashes on my car. There is? Is there? Yeah. There's not. There is? Don't say that on a podcast. That's going to really badly affect your tour sales.

I think we just lost a load of listeners like, what? There isn't. But I might do it now. Imagine just turning up to tour dates, just me on my own. In a pink VW Beetle I'd fucking love a VW Beetle

Oh a pink one Any colour With eyelashes I'd love to soup up a fucking Citroen Picasso Come on let's make this podcast work Because we've got a lot of money to waste on bullshit Guys really tell a friend Support the podcast Because I want to make some dollar really do support this podcast and if we can make 100

mil off it we promise to both kill ourselves in 50 yeah be a fucking great episode the suicide episode i'm not going to be able to tell my wife about that one both dead can you pick etta up from doing a tour date where you're doing it up from Skilled we're doing a tour date where you doing it Switzerland where we doing we have to do

the live show for the suicide yeah Doncaster let's see ourselves out in style the Donny Dome Doncaster Dome

there's going to be people travelling from all over the world those listeners in Australia and Canada and stuff they're coming to the Donny Dome gig

for the suicide finale yeah we're trying to the Donny Dome gig. For the suicide finale? Yeah. We're trying to create a death cult? We'll start a podcast in a spare room in Chester and we'll plan a mass suicide in Doncaster.

Donny will see me coming with my souped up Picasso. Right, I don't care, man. She can do what she wants, but Rebecca's mate, you do look like a bellend. When you can't get over speed bumps, you look like a fucking quendo. Yeah.

Although, I think it's kind of hot. Girl Races is kind of scally and a bit hot. Are you into that? Oh, I think I am, you know. Really fucking... Her hair, like, really jammed back on her head. You're into that, like, shit music from, like, the early noughties, aren't you?

What was it? H2O, do you remember that band? H2O. H2O? Do you remember that? No, mate. That song, and they had like fucking two proper gayle racers

and some like black rapper in the middle and they were singing like, got to go, I'm a be late, man. When they tried to do the hip hop, like a hip hop video, except it was a British one And the cars weren't as good Thinking about you

Love Shy was good I'm a love shy Oh yeah I know you Yeah Tell you what Adam You've got a lovely voice Thank you I turned down a Korean in singing

Did you? To be an Olympic runner And then decided I was too fast for that Do you know I'm looking back over this episode There's quite a lot of humble brags going on. One, like, yeah, I did really well, I was good at maths, got a good A-level, could have gone to Cambridge,

but I punched someone in the punt. And yeah, I am very fast in a straight line. I've got a great voice. I have got a really good voice. You ready? Have you? Give me any song. Right.

Are They Maria? Oh my God. Don't sing with your eyes back in your head. What the fuck was that? You looked like you were doing like, oh, that was awful. I didn't even hear that

because you looked that bad. You just went, oh. That's me lazy eye. I can't help it. It was both of them. Don't blame your fucking lazy eye. That's not thigh eye. It was both of them. Don't blame your fucking lazy eye. That's not thigh eye. That was both of your eyes.

You just went... Ave Maria. Turning this fucking mic down. Holy shit. That was like the Undertaker joined the male voice choir. Ave Maria. It because I'm a tenor No, you little pedo I'm a tenor

I know where I am Ave Maria Give me another song Not like a church one But like a banger Like a chart hit Right Okay

What's a What's a Fucking I don't know Too many songs to choose from What's popular What's a God I sound so old

What's a popular music song What song do you want to listen to Daniel We'll meet again. One of the bangers. Higher. It's not unusual. Fly me to the moon. There's a bit of a croon on.

It's a nice one to sing. Fly me to the moon. Higher. Let me fly you on the stars. Let me see what spring is like literally everyone's like just kill yourself quicker dickheads don't let's not wait till you're 50 now uh right rebecca i don't think we helped there because i think i sort of want to bang your mate even though i don't know who she is there's no speed bumps by dan's and

his wife's out so get around there yeah uh do whatever you want with your car rebecca have a way with yourself leave your mate alone she wants to go a long way to work, stop being a gimp. Yeah. Boom. Next one. Next song. Next song. Also, if you want to send in a song for Adam to murder,

you just let us know. You said that in a voice before? Fly me to the moon. Was that, was that? And let me play. You're full of confidence. He said,

I love it. I love that, you know. That's it. One of the best things about Adam as a comedian is his confidence, Was that And let me play You're full of confidence He said I love it I love that You know That's it One of the best things About Adam as a comedian Is confidence You know

Self confidence Addy and D-Man Who were in that video With H2O Addy and D-Man Have a word with my flatmate Oh sorry I thought it was an email

From Addy and D-Man I was like No Addy Oh again D-Man Emails from from Addy and D-Man. No, Addy. Oh, again. D-Man. Emails from Asian dudes. Addy.

D-Man. I assume. Addy and D-Man. Addy and D-Man. Have a word with my flatmate. I'm not going to mention names because I don't want them to know it specifically about them. But this goes for anyone with flatmates to just have a look at themselves and see if this applies to them. So this actually applies to two

of my flatmates but really one in particular so let's call her lily there's no easy way to say this but she stinks green stink cloud level of stink too not just a bit of smell just before she gets a shower it's's a serious, lasting stink. It's so bad that when I come home or out of my room, I can tell how long ago she last walked through the corridor by how pungent the smell is. Disgusting! Fucking hell. She's in her room all day, which is understandable

because it's uni halls and that's where all our stuff is. But so is everyone else, and they don't leave stink trails to the kitchen and back.'s knocking me and some of the other flatmates sick and we need to stop please refrain please explain that it's only logical that lying in bed eating pasta 24 7 without showering is just going to leave a stink that's just biology you can only live the pasta bed life if you shower daily and presumably change your sheets more often thanks from Amy wow

this bitch has been getting nasty this week raise your car and wash your fucking bad hair wash your back I mean that's the easiest to have a word of all the ones we've had sent in I couldn't side with someone more

because smelly people need to fucking sort themselves out. Yeah. You nasty smelly bastards. Do you have anything that's a bit stinky? Have you got, like, smelly feet or armpits or anything? You got any beef? Any problems? Yeah, you leave me long enough, it's fucking dreadful.

You leave me long enough?'s fucking dreadful you leave me long enough of course we all are how long do you go with us i have two showers a day two a day i'm a two a day man i don't need to i can't be fucking stinking i have a minimum of one and most of the time two yeah one in the morning one in the morning normally one of a night i can't i'm my day has not started if I've not had a shower. I'm like, this is why people are like, I love camping. I'm like, oh, I don't. Doing a fucking disco biff wipe in a field somewhere in Cumbria. Did you enjoy camping? I was like, no, I feel fucking dreadful.

Got hay fever and sweaty balls. You're a bit of a clean freak though, aren't you? A little bit. Not to the point where you could have me on like a channel five documentary like i'm just i think i'm just clean ish yeah but i can't be if you can smell yourself you're like yeah i've got quite like at the end of the day i have quite smelly feet so occasionally i'll get in take my shoes and my socks off and jay they'll be like go and get a shower now yeah you know if i've been walking a lot? Because I'm a chubby lad.

All the sweat runs down to your socks. Because you're 70 mile an hour, innit? You're racing pensioners on the pavement. And a win for Adam! So, yeah. Do you know you can get round that, though, by changing up your shoes? If you've got smelly feet, have a look at what...

Because some trainers will do you in. And it's like people like well just get new balance they don't smell i wear new balance a lot they're dead comfy they're my running shoes bought a new pair they fucking hum they make my socks and my feet hum it's whatever's got you need to change that up and what what are you wearing sock wise because the little thin ones you know like the business sock thin ones they make your feet stinky that's all i wear the sport sock a sport sock just less minging for smell all i wear this is not what thin socks all right yeah thin stocks get stanky business man yeah but that's normal in it like having smelly feet is sort of acceptable if you deal with it at the end of the day yes but like someone who just fucking stings because they're not having a wash

sorry to take this sexual but it's the least attractive thing in the world because if a girl stinks all i can think is how horrible is your fanny do you know what i mean no like like if you're not looking after your armpits. Oh. Like, no. Like, come on. Disgusting. Like. Oh.

Do you know people that, like, lads are single and they're like, I just haven't had sex with anyone. Wash your fucking clothes. Wash yourself. Wash where you like. Just start with the basics yeah it drives me mad by the way this is bad enough this is worse i suppose in the home but you know like when in a green room if there's a comic who fucking stinks and you've got to leave the you you have to leave the green room because for some reason it's less socially acceptable to tell someone they stink than it is to fucking stink.

You'd be in a green room sometimes and someone's just humming it out. You're the dickhead if you go, well, you fuck off. You smell like a dead rat. Do you know there was a comedian who had a comedian intervene and just went, listen, I've been thinking about saying this for a while. intervene and just went listen i've been thinking about saying this for a while but a few people have noticed that you need to sort your odor out because you smell don't know if it's your clothes i don't know if you're just not washing your clothes enough or you're just not using the right antiperspirant but you need to sort out because people are talking about your smell and that happened about six months after i worked with this comic. And he smelled so bad.

I compared him on at a gig, walked past him, and his smell was still in and around the mic. Like, the front row were close. Is this comic American? No, I'm not naming the comic. You don't have to name it. That's why I asked. It's nationality. No, I can't name it's too shady okay i knew this is how bad it was i nearly sent an

anonymous an anonymous package with some fucking soap and some right and some right god and i was just gonna write from a concerned colleague wash yourself with this and then spray this one afterwards and wash your fucking clothes for the love of god you smell bank and laura was like are you really sending that i was like if he doesn't sort out i am sending him that and it would if you got that through the post and you were like. I think this was taken out of the collection to send to Africa at the school. Remember every year in school, around Christmas or something, they'd go, just bring some stuff in,

some tins, some deodorant, some smelly stuff, and we're going to send them to a little village in Africa and they'll get a nice present. And you're going to your daughter, you can't have any because I need to send it to this content store. Hang on, hang on, you can take that. Smelly fuckerer but someone stepped in a comic that we know

stepped in and went you gotta sort just didn't even do it in an embarrassing way just privately went you gotta sort this out people are talking and since then

the comic in question has been absolutely fine really yeah and I just think that's really good for Freddie Quinn in it because it was obviously

holding him back who the fuck is that guy he's a promoter you've heard of him he's a really good for Freddie Quinn in it because it was obviously holding him back. Who the fuck is that guy? He's a promoter. You'll have heard of him. He's a really good up-and-coming promoter. He's a fucking prick. He makes you get there two hours before you fucking stage, Sam. He's not.

He's a good guy. Yeah, man. Yeah, if you stink, I'm sorry. This is such an easy one for us. You've got to sort it out because it's the thing that people talk about the most that is so easy to solve get in the shower or do you know what if you smell really bad and you want to start a new slay day show you do it you get a shower you get a bath and then you get

another shower all in one go and then don't put on clothes that are already dirty and smelly yeah wash your fucking clothes yeah dirt bag it's so easy and if you're slightly going oh i feel i'm a little bit overweight and i don't i think i might smell just give yourself a sniff privately and be like shit i think they might be talking because if you can smell something funky don't be daft and be like oh no people can't smell it we can yeah we really, we really, really, really can. And you can also smell stuff that, like, if you can smell it,

other people can definitely fucking smell it because you get used to your own smell. So if you're at any point going, I think I stink, there's no think about it, you fucking hum, okay? And if you've got a whole table to yourself in a busy restaurant

it's you yeah if you're on the bus and it's packed and people are stood up and you've got a seat next to you have a fucking thing about that if you're on a fucking rush hour train and you've got the carriage to yourself you fucking stink oh yes clean your balls clean your penis it's so clean your, clean your balls, clean your penis, clean your vagina, clean your armpits, and crevices as well, under your tits. If you're fat like me, there's rolls there, isn't there? Pits and bits.

Like I say to my daughter every time at bath time, pits and bits. Yeah, she's two. She's allowed to stink. Yeah. Anywhere where there's hair, that means there's going to be sweat. If you've got a hairy back, wash your fucking back. Wash your hair.

Wash your beard. Oh, my God. The people who have coffee all the time and it gets stuck in their beard and you just end up with stale coffee on your face. Wash your fucking beard. Young Asian lads, wash your chest hair. Oh, my God. So smelly.

So hairy and smelly you need a wash you've got to have a wash alright rats all the smelly people out there we appreciate you though because we can't smell you

cool so there you go Lily get a fucking bath girl Amy tell her to get a bath be brave Amy I think that's the lesson from this isn't it we learned it from the comedian who i can't wait for this podcast to end now so that

you can tell me exactly what you're talking about but amy's not really freddie quinn by the way i don't believe you um who the fuck is that who the fuck is that guy um amy what you should do is go see your mate and go look the rest of the house i see you as a mate and people are starting to talk yeah get in the shower or the anonymous maybe maybe she should do what i was gonna do you just in it you don't make it aggressive you make it a polite you just be clever with it make sure it's like like you know like a hostage letter that the ransom note that they send out it's like from paper from different bits of the paper yeah it's glued on lily you smelly bitch you're a stinky bitch wash your ass horn oh this really resonates with me smelly people man yeah drives me mad

um just to close it off by the way i want to thank the bloke that out of fucking nowhere tweeted freddie quinn with who the fuck is that guy yeah absolute legend that made me so happy freddie quinn screenshotted and sent me yeah he went mate someone should send me this yeah if if you're still listening at this point do us a favour go and tweet Freddie his twitter handle is at

Freddie Quinn F R E D D Y Q U I N N E and just tweet him who the fuck is that guy

yeah and ask him if he's got any gigs coming up because he's such a good promoter isn't he you know that's good. So thanks for listening to Have A Word this week.

Really appreciate it. If you've got any Have A Words or Would You Rathers, send to haveawordpod at gmail.com or any of our socials at haveaword. We appreciate it, guys. Give us a review on iTunes. A five-star review.

Spread the word, yeah. Like, don't be this four-star guy who's like, you know what, I really like it, but there's spread the word yeah like don't be this four star guy who's like you know what I really like it but there's a slight thing that I don't

we don't give a fuck five stars or nothing I actually smell it and it's hormonal and I think they were really mean about it yeah you smelly cunt

five stars or fuck off thanks Adam man see you next week lad see you next Tuesday cunt smelly cunt Thanks, Adam, man. See you next week, lad. See you next Tuesday. Cut. Smelly cut.

Are you going to run home? I'm going to fly. Slowly.