Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #52 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 7, 2020

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What's happening, guys? It's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month, and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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So do us a favour. Pause the pod here. Go and do that now and then enjoy the episode nice one see you in a bit fucking did it in one take bro yeah man

now I'm getting the word nonce oh oh oh oh oh

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oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh I'm big-boned. I'm heavy-structured. I'm hung low. If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. With video on YouTube, on social media, at Have A Word Pod, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game.

Have a word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together hiya hi hiya are you all right babe i am are you having a little bez a little bez listen listen i am addicted to turbo shandy this has happened i've got i've got you know when people go i've got addictive personality and they mean you know like they've done ketamine at the the daughter's christening i'm not that level of addictive personality but once about four years ago i went through a tiramisu phase that got so bad i had a i had a plastic spoon in my glove compartment for when i fancied tiramisu on the road and i knew that the co-op and sainsbury's did a fucking banging tiramisu and i would buy a serve six tiramisu eat half of it and throw half i remember once been in half a fucking massive portion of tiramisu and there was an old lady near the bin near the sainsbury's and i had eaten it in the car park that

behaviour is now I think it's moved on to Turbo Shandy Can you imagine finding that person like remove yourself from that situation for a minute right and you're going back to your car and you pull up and you get

to your car and next to your car is a bald man in his late 30s chugging away at a fucking family-packed tiramisu. Also, I wonder if you actually see the process because it's so guilt-ridden. Because Sainsbury's, by the way, if you ever fancied tiramisu,

it's basically a middle-class mum's pudding, but I'm into it. They serve little two pots for £1.60, which are two servings of tiramisu. Let's be honest, when it says it serves two, go fuck yourself. It serves one real person, but that's not enough. You know when you need a little bit more? The serve six is like £2.60. It's a bad boy. But as soon as you eat as soon as you bite you're like you're a dirty tiramisu pig and i there's no joy there's like me in a fucking

volvo in a car park of some like you're you're on the way to a gig you're in some west yorkshire fucking sainsbury's car park just truffling tiramisu down and then that would be more upsetting but then to see them throw half of it away and i don't know but that addictive that addictive tendency has now switched to turbo shandy what day is it thursday when do we have a drink lockdown locking on saturday i have thought about drinking turbo shandy i couldn't give a monkeys about any other alcohol right now i think about turbo shandies I even signed up to the Beer 52. I know this is ridiculous. Weeks later, I've been meaning to do it for ages,

almost to break the trend of Turbo Shandy. And I'm worried that I'm going to get... Yeah, go on. They send you a can of Turbo Shandy. It's just the West Yorkshire Sainsbury's car park all over again. And they're like but uh as soon as you messaged me this afternoon you went oh mate just a heads up

uh might be doing this i literally and people are working out afterwards like later on in the podcast what we're being talked about i took that as a cue to like you're all right for a drink like just one whatsapp message that you sent i to like you're all right for a drink like just one whatsapp message that you sent i felt like you were going dan you're all right if you want a beer i don't know what i don't know why i just i was looking for any validation so i've prepared a couple of different bits to the middle bit but we can we can little bit now, actually, because it's come up naturally, hasn't it? First of all, I've got a quick question for you that I've just come up with.

What is, and obviously this will change sometimes, but in general, if you had to pick, you're at a wedding, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And someone goes, right, we're getting on it today. We're going fucking big. I'm going to the bar right now. I'm getting you a beer or a cider, like a long drink, a big one, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And someone goes, right, we're getting on it today. We're going fucking big. I'm going to the bar right now. I'm getting you a beer or a cider, like a long drink, a big one, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So a table of candy would pass. Yeah, it's the mains, isn't it? It's the mains. Yeah. I'm getting you a beer. I'm getting you a short. You can have a mixer with that if you want it.

Love it. And I'm getting you a shot. So what are you having? Well, first of all, this is going to be like a politician you know just buying for time but i want to say great question great question um i'd just like to say to the honorable gentleman i i do i do go to weddings i've been to weddings before i enjoy a wedding i do have a drink at a wedding and i'm not saying that you know that we can't play these games and we can't move on. I just think it is not really

the time of day with me sitting here with Trevor Shandy to maybe discuss what shot I would have because I will then want one as soon as the podcast is over. Before I answer the question, let me say I will defend the right for the British voter

to drink three different types of drink at a wedding till my dying breath. So, can I just, I need to qualify, I need a caveat. This is, we've just got to the wedding, 2pm, 4pm service, whatever, do you know what I mean? It's the first drink, innit? You start, I'm not rolling in, it's not a rolling start, this is from a static start, innit? First drink in it. You start, I'm not, I'm not rolling in. It's not a rolling start. This is from a static start in it. First drink,

right. So you're saying, let's get it going from, is it right? Okay. Let's start with a long drink, Adam. It's important.

I wouldn't do Turbo Shandy until this lockdown, until this podcast, I wouldn't have done Turbo Shandy. I think it's a bit lavish and it's, it's going to be painful because you're going to get to some places if you get addicted to this shit and you want to drink it out they're not going to be able to do it you've got to take that into account like my friend claire who goes to work in men clubs and goes have you got like cranberry um sliced with pomegranate vodka and they're like fuck off love we've got misery in the glass you need to play the room don't you so go, this is not going to get me any fans,

a pint of lager top. I like a pint of lager, and I'm fine with cooking lager, can't stand Fosters, Carlsberg, Carlin, all of that shebang, just with a little dash of lemonade in the top. It's 2pm of an afternoon, I want to still be dancing at 10, a little dash of lemonade, that top it's 2 p.m of an afternoon i want to still be dancing at 10 a little dash of lemonade that's my pint of choice is that how's that going down for you adam that's fine i mean the bar that you're coming to where i'm serving you and that actually that drink's actually on special offer with them and it comes with a free date with a man so

wonderful homophobia. I'm sure we all enjoyed that. Lovely, lovely. Let's get through this lockdown with hating minorities. Go on, go on. Can I just say, like, that whole thing of if you like a shandy or a lager top, you're a fucking gay, right, is such a fucking stupid stereotype because the people on this planet

who can out-drink any fucking cunt on the planet are the gays. They drink fucking harder, longer and stronger than any fucking straight man I know. When I used to go clubbing, if you go clubbing in Manchester

when I went clubbing in Manchester and you like to get on it and stay out as late as possible because all your mates who are actually your mates are like, oh, but it's 6am, we just need to go home. And you're like, no, but I'm wired, where else are we going? You ended up hanging out with gay people because the gay village went on till Thursday. The night out started Friday, people were still going Wednesday morning. Mate, the gays drink drugs that's how they ghb is basically

the date rate job drug and some of the gay people i ended up hanging out with like you know it's no don't know you don't love laws don't want to go just have a little bit i was at a couple of parties where i was like people were drinking gh, which is essentially Rohypnol, just diluted Rohypnol. Rohypnol on themselves. So you take too much, you're out, right? So you've basically just conked yourself out. You take a bit.

So if you're high as a kite, you've had pills, you've had coke, you can't drink past a certain point. It's like, it's almost like, you know, just like if you, you know, just like, if you, you know, on Shrove Tuesday when you have like lemons in the little squeezy bottle.

On what day? Is it Shrove Tuesday? What do I mean? Pancake. What's Pancake Day? It's Pancake Day. That's what we will always call it on this podcast. It's on Pancake Day. Shrove Tuesday. No, let's not just move past that. As if you haven't just outed yourself as a Tory middle class nonce. Shrove Tuesday. No, let's not just move past that. As if you haven't just outed yourself as a Tory middle-class nonce. Shrove Tuesday.

Nobody in the history of Liverpool has ever called it that. And you're trying to become an honorary scouter. Don't ever say that again. It's fucking Pancake Day. And you have to say that again. So start this story again and say fucking Pancake Day. Right. Fucking Pancake Day. But basically basically if you're high as a if you're off

your noodle late on you can't be like i'll just take the edge off by drinking sometimes that's fucking it's like literally drinking it's bitter it's weird but ghb which is essentially rohypnol if you have a little bit of it it's all fuzzy and it makes you feel like a little bit drunk. So when people are like, yeah, the gays know how to drink, mate, the gays know. I mean, the gays who really go out, they know how to drink, then do drugs, and then do a drug that makes them feel like they've been drinking.

That's how much they drink. So the whole Lager Top thing, oh, fucking Southern Shandy drinking, fucking, like, I like a top. I like a top. Do you, fucking Southern Shandy drinking fucking... Like, I like a top. I like a top. Do you know when I was a bit younger... And a cock in my arse.

I don't know what I mean. You know what I mean? You drink the GHB. You're like, oh my God, I've been date raped. But it's fine. It's self-abuse. All right. That's how I met Graham.

What? When I was a bit younger, my dad was worried I was on drugs for a bit because, like, I'm so bad as a drinker. Once I start, I don't want to stop. Certainly when I was younger, I was a lot worse for this. Before I was with Jade, I would go out and I would stay out until someone told me, we can't give you any more.

Get out of our club. Stop pissing in the corner in that pint glass. Stop doing whatever. I will stay out until 9 o'clock in the morning. You've ruined the christen. Nana's dead, Adam. When will you stop drinking?

This is true. Christen's tend to happen at 11 o'clock in the morning, don't they? Then you go to the christen party about 12. I once went on a night out on Saturday and went straight to the christenings tend to happen at like 11 o'clock in the morning, don't they? And then you go to the christening party about 12. I once went on a night out on Saturday and went straight to the christening. Right? And I hadn't done any drugs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just pissed.

What? Oh, hang on, hang on. When I was going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done that sort of stupid shit because I was still off my tits on chemicals. Mate, if you can drink through a Saturday... What? When did you

eat? So at the end of the night out, we'd gone and got a breakfast. Right. The clubs in Liverpool would stay open until like 7, 8 o'clock in the morning on a Saturday night yeah yeah yeah

so then by time they're shut the cafes are open so then we we went to cafe got a big breakfast had just like a a Diet Coke

or whatever and then by the time we finished our breakfast Wetherspoons was open so we went to Wetherspoons and started again now see that

I know that sounds ridiculous because I just told everyone that i went clubbing so late that i ended up hanging out with people that ghb themselves but that to me is so alien because i could drink i can drink late but as soon as i got a sniff of carbohydrate a little fucking munch of a piece of top never mind the full english once I was on the toast I'd be like that is it's literally you've started to stop watch for bed the thing is though

there was probably like a two three hour period where it wasn't enjoyable but it felt like this will be worth being able to tell people in six years on a podcast I once did this fight through it, Adam. This will make a fucking great anecdote, lad.

Do you know what I mean, though? Like, I can now say I once went all night with no drugs and carried on the next day. It was the first customer in Wetherspoons. I was there before the third member of staff. It was just the fucking manager and the glass collector. It's a comedian. And then I went to a Christian and drank all day.

It's the comedian in you. It's the comedian in you. I tell you what, that is how you know you're a comedian. If you literally lean into the self-destruction and misery because you know one day it'll make your mate stroke audiences

laugh. There's a comedian we know, and I won't name him because it's his right to tell a story when he wants to who fucked a prostitute um just so he had a prostitute story to sell on stage pause the pod pause the pod okay have you ever have you ever had sex with a text with a prostitute? No. No. Right, we'll move on then. I'm not... Oh, hang on. No, I just want to move on. No, no.

Come on. Right back at you. I have one of the most... Like... It's embarrassing, but I'm not unproud... It's a weird one because on the face of it you should be ashamed of it but at the same time really if i'd gone through like ah bang the prostitute i

shouldn't be ashamed of that i once was in birmingham after working at the birmingham glee put you up in a lovely hotel had a great weekend weekend. Saturday night, they gave me £660. I was about 27, 28 years old, drinking like a fish, having a great time. Ended up at a club with a couple of members of staff. Someone buys pills. I've got a pocket full of, like, a month's wages just in my pocket.

I'm like, ah! Do you ever do that? I don't know if you've done that when you get paid, but you get paid for Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then you go drinking. It feels like you're like Tony Montana. Say hello to my life! But really, you're spending gas bill,

you're spending council tax. I had a really bad night with that one night. Up until about 18 months ago, the comedy store in Manchester still paid cash. And so to this day does the frog and bucket. Now you still sign for it. It's all legit. Yeah.

But I did a weekend at both the comedy store and the frog and bucket. They both paid me in full on the Saturday night. And I went out in Manchester. I went out in Manchester for the last hour before the last train and then went out in Liverpool and woke up the next day with no money. That's over a grand. Oh yeah, yeah. So you do Thursday at the comedy store,

you get £200 and then you get £240 for three sets Friday and Saturday. So you get £920 from the store and about £500 from the frog. £1400. When this happens when you're a young man, from the store and about 500 from the frog. 1400 quid. When this happens when you're a young man, it's a time and a place thing, isn't it?

At the time, if I did that now, that would be so... It wouldn't be funny, would it? Because I've got a child and a mortgage. But daddy, daddy, I want some food. But daddy, where is the bread for the toast in the morning i gotta get to the job center

when you're young you're like ah it's a fucking funny story and i hear i hear stories of like older comedians doing that shit and i'm borderline depressed like like, oh, fucking jizz, the money for the weekend up the wall. You're like, oh, but you've got a mortgage. Anyway, so Birmingham, out with a couple of members of staff, ended up getting a couple of pills, dancing, met these lads from Coventry. Gone like a fucking house on fire. I lost the mates, I mean, air quotes, mates from the staff that worked at the Glee in Birmingham,

ended up on one of the most stupid fun chatting shit nights with these lads who are about 20 years old from Coventry. Then they were like, yeah, we've got to get a fucking, we've got to get a fucking, we've got to get a bush back to fucking Coventry. I was like, right. One of them was like, yeah, but one of, one of, oh, mate, fucking Darren, he loves the fucking, there's a whorehouse. Whatever, I'm not doing a good Coventry accent. But he's got this thing for prostitutes. I had about 540 quid left in my pocket. And I was like, I want to go to a brothel.

And he was like, yeah, he's gone. He's already gone. Do you want us to show who's where he is? I was like, yes. I'd never been to one before. I'd never felt the inclination. It was this weird thing, you know, when you're a bit off your tits, a bit drunk, a bit off your tits.

I was like, I want to do that as well. I can do that. They took me. It went from like, oh, there's nightclubs, to round the corner, to like, this is where people are murdered in Birmingham. And then they were like, yeah, it's there. You've just got to knock on. So I sort of like...

The thing is about when you've got drugs in the system, you can pass yourself off as quite normal. So I was like, okay, I'm bloody doing this. But I was off my tits. Knocked on the door, pressed the buzzer, there's a pause, the CCTV has a look at you, I'm like, oh, fuck, they're not going to let me in. And then I hear...

Push on the door, I i go upstairs the seediest fucking blue lip bar people smoking it's horrible there's loads of dodgy looking blokes not all pervy blokes younger blokes loads of younger asian guys and this amazing hot like probably a couple years older than me maybe even my age she said she was cypriot was like hello welcome to whatever club fucking it is i was like i knew instantly i walked and i was like i'm out of my depth i'm out of my depth she went okay you have to choose one of these ladies i was like uh what i wanted to do is go i've made mistake. I'm a comedian and I've had too much to drink and some drugs. I was showing off to these lads from Coventry.

But I was like, oh, I can't, you know, I've just got to go with it. I was like, I was looking at all these women. They were like smiling in the films, you know, and they're all in a line. I was like, this is so cringy. I could eat my own face. And then it went cringing now. I'll tell this story. I went, can I have you? It's because I knew it.

It's because I'd met her, because she'd been friendly to me. I was like, I don't know them. I know you. She went, of course you can. Okay. Hey, I'm going. And she took me around the side, up these stairs, into this room. She was like, okay, 70 pounds for half an hour 130 pounds for an hour i

was like yeah whatever here you go took the cash off me took 70 quid how much is it gonna cost me for six minutes she went okay take your clothes off i went right she's already in fucking nothing amazing figure she's probably she probably runs a tech company now in cyprus i took my clothes off i was like oh you big fat little white pig and then she was like lie down i was like i don't really want to i was like okay she then tried to, like, sexually give me a handjob. It was one of the cringiest two minutes of my life because I should have said at the start of the two minutes, love, fuck all's happening there, duck, because I've had two pills and about seven pints

and that guy is fucking... I'm here, but this guy's unconscious. Fuck me, it was so awkward. She was just, here, but this guy's unconscious. Fuck me. It was so awkward. She was just like rubbing around my little dick. She was like, okay, it's okay. I was like, right. There's no kiss.

She's just basically like, come on. She's trying to wake my dick up. And I was like, I don't think anything's going to happen. She went, no, it's okay. Put my clothes on and just walked out i paid 70 pounds to have a very attractive woman nudge my dick around for about a minute and a half and be like okay he's flaccid come back could you not just like ask us to do something non-sexual that's like nice like you know if nothing's happening with your dick with a prostitute, can you get her to, like, scratch your back or something?

Adam! Adam! I've been saying this for the last three or four years. I fucking love a back scratch. I'm like, Laura hates it. She's like, oh, but like, ugh, like skin particles. I'm like, would you be offended if I went to a prostitute and got her to scratch my back? She was like, yes.

I'm like, well, I don't think you should be. I never thought of it. This is my theory that I've spoken about before. It shouldn't count as cheating if it's something she won't do. Lord has no right to be pissed off at you. Hang on. Backscratching is a weird, it's a grey area. You're in a grey area.

It's a backscratch. It's like the thing in pulp fiction about the foot rub you shouldn't be annoyed about it but if you're in a brothel getting a back scratch i don't think any girlfriend or wife's gonna be like that's my long-term partner what a job oh fuck do you like a back scratch fucking love a bit of back rubby as well. Just like palm. Not even any pressure. Just like a stroke on your back like I'm a big dog. Go on, what were we doing?

Hang on, we've got to get back to pints. Yeah, so I'm going to the bar. Right. Fuck. What's your long drink? So hang on, are you getting a lager top at any particular brand? No, I hate Fosters. I think it smells like knob cheese.

There's something about Fosters that is ungodly. But my preference is Cronenberg, if I'm feeling fruity, you know. But just, you know, the cooking lager. Carlsberg, Carly. I would like a bottle of Peroni or a pint of Moretti. Oh, right. Fancy pants. I didn't know it was a proper bar.

Yes, you're right. They're phenomenal. Almost feel, they feel so good, you shouldn't put lemonade in. Well, I don't. No, but what I'm saying is the Carlin is good for a little lemonade I know what you mean yeah getting a Peroni top is a bit of a waste isn't it short and measure what's

what's now I've stopped drinking this because I like it a lot and it's too bad for you so it's Sailor Jerry's Roman Coke. It's a spiced rum.

It's got like vanilla spices in it. It's absolutely delicious. It's a full strength spirit. It's 40% ABV. But I can't drink it with Diet Coke. So I would go on a night out and have 12 of these and you end up drinking the equivalent to 12 cans of Coke on a night out and have 12 of these and you end up drinking the equivalent

of 12 cans of Coke on a night out. Yeah. And the amount of, it's just awful for you. It's like a drunk pick and mix in it. It's essentially sweeties with happy. But if I can pick anything, I'm going that if I'm watching me wait at the time,

I'll probably go for a whiskey with no mixer, just with an ice cube. I can never do whiskey. I like a gin and tonic, you know. I like a gin and tonic. That's a change of pace, because I think there's something about that, the bitterness of it, that is nice. They're the only three things, spirit-wise, I drink.

I drink spiced rum and coke, gin and tonic, and I drink straight whiskey. God, these thank you shows are going to get messy afterwards, aren't they? Oh, yes. What's your shot? Can I tell you mine? On the count of three, we'll both say it and see if it's the same. Go on. One, two, three.

Sambuca. Cheers. Oh, fuck. Sorry, I misunderstood. Sambuca. White juice. Oh, white Sambuca jizz oh fuck sorry I misunderstood Sambuca white jizz oh white Sambuca yeah yeah mate white Sambuca not even black when people are like

black Sambuca I like white Sambuca because when I drink aniseed based you know shots I'm a racist how are you with a Jager bomb

yeah good good but I mean heart palpitations are fine aren't they but I don't want to have a heart attack because I had 26 Jager bombs. Jager bombs, good. Get a little bit perky, perky.

Yeah, you've told the story in the pod. What with the pints of vodka red bull? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I also know that people listen to this fucking podcast so much that they've listened twice. So there will be people coming around going, mate, not only have I heard this story, I've heard it twice already. But I'm all for a Jager bomb and all of that shit,

but I think you need to use it medicinally. You know when you're like, I'm flagging, I'm flagging, bang, you're back up. Don't be like, that's what I drink as my second drink. I have 12 a night. Yeah, nah, mate. No, bad idea. I think we should have a quick word from our sponsors at Trans Alley Wheels before we crack on with some more similar stuff. I can't believe I told the brothel story.

I'm so happy. I'm just trying to think, has Laura heard that story? Fuck. She fucking has now, lad. I'm just going to go for a piss. Sorry. I'll go on. Now then, lads, I want to tell you about Trans Alloy Wheels Limited.

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nice one lids i don't know about you but i'm feeling triggered it must be have a word with adam and dave so i remembered yesterday that a friend of ours had a very weird hangover ritual now in the past we asked for some hangover stories a few of them that we got were a bit samey or long-winded and that's why we haven't done too many of, we asked for some hangover stories. A few of them that we got were a bit samey or long-winded, and that's why we haven't done too many of them, but I think these hangover rituals are just going to be short, snappy, and quite funny. Yes.

What a very succinct way of putting that, Adam. You've really summed that up very well. Crack on. No one knows why we're laughing. So, I had a weird one, and I know a friend

of ours had a weird one. I'm going to tell you those two in a sec, but I just want to ask you, did you come up with any? Can you remember anything you used to do regularly when you were hungover that's just a bit fucking stupid or weird? Thing is, with a hangover, it's just a case of survival, innit a it's just a case of survival in it it's just a case of survival it's like what feels like that at the time yeah i think the sooner you can get in the

shower and it's it might be like a it might be just like a psychosomatic thing but when you're like i'm washing off the dirt the longer you're in your underpants from the night before you're basically wearing the clothes of regret that's how i feel like when you're like i'm in a dressing gown when i lived in chester the first time around i lived in chester about 10 8 9 10 years ago and i was boozing loads the laughing was open and it was such good booze and i was was like, you know when people say pub fit? I was at the absolute peak of pub fit. And I used to wake up hungover and instead of just wallow,

I would go, I'd get up, probably still a bit pissed, have a shower. And then I'd set off for a bit of a walk and a bit of fresh air. And sometimes when I was hungover, I managed to walk into Chester, get like some French fries from McDonald's. There was two McDonald's in Chester at the time. I'd get a large fries from one, eat the large fries on the way to the other one, get another large

fries, and eat the large fries from there on the way out of Chester. That's... That sounds amazing. Two portions of large fries from Mackey's on a hangover oh what a McDonald's

but also not in the same bag so by the time you get to the second one it's cold yeah but it was something

about the washing the dressing I was still hung up I was hung over as fuck but yeah I like getting up and doing things

I think if you're wallowing you're in trouble. Here's the sort of thing I had in mind. So I went through a period of about six months to a year where every time I was hungover, I would watch Whitney Houston sing the American National Anthem at the Super Bowl. Why?

Why? Why? And why, though? Why? Why did you even know? What young Scouse lad is like, fucking hell, me, Sonny, two slices of toast and fucking Whitney Houston singing the National Anthem.

The thing is, I quite like the American National Anthem as a song. Hey, boy, just honestly, if anyone's going, oh, I think I know it, but right. So the college bowl game was played this year between LSU, which is Louisiana State, and Clemson, which are two southern teams. Donald Trump was there with Ivanka. It was in the Superdome. Now, I follow the New Orleans Saints.

The Superdome is the New Orleans stadium, so it's deep south. Trump's popular, whatever. They got, what's her fucking name? They got a singer from Louisiana to sing the national anthem. I have played that about five times. That bowl game must have happened in January. I've played it five or six times. And a couple of times I just played it to Etta.

And it's amazing what Etta will not watch, some things she'll be like, oh she'll love this, she's three every time that's on she's like what the fuck is this, it's so good if you want to listen to the National Anthem, put in Whitney Houston American National Anthem

or the college championship game from 2020, it's amazing. I'm going to watch that as soon as this episode's done. Oh, mate, she fucking nails it. It's fucking June. So I used to watch that and a mate of ours, another comic,

someone who I started out with, good mates, was Pete Otway who is, he lived in Liverpool and he's lived in Preston as well I think in Liverpool and he's lived in Preston as well, I think. So he's got a bit of a connection. I think he's lived in Preston. He's one of the best Jewish comics on the circuit, yeah.

He used to watch, every time he was hungover, he would watch the President's speech from Independence Day. You know, as he's rallying the troops... It's Bill Paxman troops it's Bill Paxman it's Bill Paxman isn't it yeah why

why it's not even a cool speech it's not even like it's not like oh yeah I watched Samuel L Jackson or

Impulse Fiction I fucking love it where have you gone? Bill Pullman. Bill Pullman. Bill Pullman. Close enough. I've had a beer.

The world is united. Today, we celebrate our Independence Day. So I just want, if you've got any of them, if you've got any little weird quirks that you do regularly when you're hungover, get them into haveawirdpod at gmail.com because I remembered Pete's, I remembered mine, and I thought we can't be the only two fucking weirdos on the planet

who have a weird thing that they watch every time they're hungover. Squares. I love squares. There's something about ready salted squares when I'm hungover. Ready salted squares. Oh, Walker's squares. I mean, they used to be Smith's, but ready salted squares when I'm hungover. How do you eat ready salted squares? Oh, Walker's squares. I mean, they used to be Smith's, but Walker's squares.

Not any of the other flavours. Fuck that. I'll get a multi-pack of six to just get the two ready salted. You know what I like when I'm hungover sometimes? Go on. Asda's or Tesco's own, so not branded. Yeah. Their version of Watsit a big

share pack of them cheesy puff snacks I bet they are just called cheesy puff snacks I think that's what they're called cheesy puff snacks we've not got the rights for name a big liter of orange lucasade as well

brand or off brand the rights for name a big liter of orange Lucas aid as well brand combo brand or off brand yeah no brand oh yeah Lucas aid it's funny what you can have

brand and off brand there's certain things where you're like fuck off mate like Laura's into pop chips have you tried pop chips yet yeah

love them any snack of choice on a virgin train to London mate off brand pop chips? Have you tried pop chips yet? Yeah, love them. They're my snack of choice on a virgin train to London. Mate, off-brand pop chips are absolutely beautiful. But cheap frazzles are not as good as frazzles.

Frazzles are top-shelf shit. You can't fuck with frazzles, mate. Do you know my favourite normal crisp is walker style do you know like walker style the best style

the best walker style of crisp like just thin normal crisp standard Aldi's own they're called snack right come off it lad

trust me there's more flavour in one bag of snack right than a 24 multi pack of walkers I'll bring you

a multi pack what's your favourite standard crisp is a roast chicken no no no sorry I meant what

brand of like not like squares or whatever like Seabrook salt like ruffles snack right from Aldi.

Are the best standard crisp. They're just the top level shit. You know what I've been doing this afternoon? I have been, because now my brother-in-law's not here, I don't have to sleep in the studio anymore, which is sort of amazing. So I'm rearranging the studio for if and when, I'm not saying it's going to be on Sunday.

The lockdown in the UK is eased. If it's not Sunday, it's going to be three weeks from then. Adam's going to be able to come back to here to record the podcast. So I was like, well, if I'm not sleeping in it, I'm going to start setting it out.

I'm going to have a look at it. I'm going to have it right. So when you're back here, it, it's going to be right. I forgot. Is there a reason you're telling me this now what were we talking are you more pissed than you appear to be i'm really pissed my head feels warm what were we talking about we're talking about talking about crisps. I can't imagine what the connection was.

I feel like I'm watching someone have a stroke. What's that? How have I got from crisps to studio? I tell you what, Dan. Why don't you try and figure that out in your own time and we'll actually do the rest of the podcast before that happens. Oh, sorry, mate. Go on. You're in charge. You're in charge. You know what's happened here?

Do you know what's happened here? This is what's happened. You, I did all... No, I was... Yesterday, because I was in charge, usually I've got loads of admin to do before a podcast. But today

you were like, I'll do today. I today i was like oh it's holiday i deserve it you do deserve it special special little boy um i've come up with some would you rathers for you oh you've never done this i've never done this so i've come up with them i haven't looked through the email because they're normally yours and I don't know necessarily which ones we've done and which ones we haven't because I've got a brain like a sieve.

But I've come up with my own ones. I've got six. If we get through them all, great. But they're all in categories. They're all a slightly different category. So I'm going to give you the choice and you can pick which category you want to go from.

Okay? And I'm saying right now, I'm in such a good mood. I'm having a great time. I'm basically living the dream. I want to do so okay let's do it man let's do how many of you come up with six that's a lot would you rather we're already at 40 odd minutes right i'm gonna do at least two right come on maybe so we've got superpowers, drinking, odours, loss, inconvenience, or food. Right, I'm going to say I don't want to do any more drinking.

We've talked booze in a lot. Okay. And I honestly think this is a professional podcast, you know. I don't want to talk about drinking. It used to be. Yeah. Yeah, it used to be. I'm interested by loss.

Inconvenience interests me, and superpowers will honestly, until my dying day, be an intrigue. I'm going to say, can we do those three? Loss, inconvenience, and superpowers. Okay, in the order?

No, fuck it. Those three, yeah. Go on. Okay. It's not a quiz. I don't know why I feel the pressure. I feel the pressure to be like, oh, fuck, you've got Those three, yeah. Go on. Okay. It's not a quiz. I don't know why I feel the pressure. I feel the pressure to be like, oh, fuck, you've got to get this right.

It's not. That's not how it works. Would you rather lose your sense of direction to the point where you literally can't find your way anywhere, you can't follow a map, and even when a sat-nav says, sort of like, turn left, you don't really understand it, it just frazzles you.

All right, so essentially, be every woman I've ever. You don't really understand it. It just, it frazzles you. Alright, so essentially be every woman I've ever dated or been married to. Go. Oh, Jesus! Or lose your sight and become 100% blind. Alright, it's a loaded base, one isn't it i couldn't not go blind i just i would love to

know what would have to be stacked against being blind because blinds are mother fucker in it drive driving a dog or a man who takes you around and you're blind, you get either a dog or a man who takes you around and you're still going to get everywhere on time and stuff. If you lose your sense of direction, it's not really, the world is not as sympathetic to people with a loss of direction, is it? So you get a

Noel. You're still, you're a comedian. You're going to have to try and get to the frog and bookie to go and host beat the frog on a Monday with no sense of direction. So I can't remember routes? No, you've got no sense of direction. But I have got a sat-nav. Yeah, but if the sat-nav goes turn left, you don't really know what that means.

Well, yeah. You'd have to set off a month in advance. I can't, yeah. You'd have to set off a month in advance for everything. I can't, mate. This is what I'm saying. You can't just go, oh, I can't go blind, because the alternative is not... No, hang on, hang on, hang on. I get what you're trying to do,

but the blind, it's so cataclysmic. Like, there will be people listening to this who are blind, it's so cataclysmic. Like, there will be people listening to this who are blind because the blind community are huge supporters of all audio comedy, right? This is a... I'm not joking. That feels like I'm being a dick. This to a blind person... You know why podcasts will be massive?

The radio is the same, but podcasts will be massive. And I would love to hear from some of our blind listeners because what they're getting right now is their impairment, the thing that they haven't got. It makes no difference when it's listening to a podcast. I wouldn't want to give up my site if i if i could fight for it i tell you it's a lack of sense of direction i would i just have to get a good fucking tom tom i love a sense of direction though i look i remember when i met laura and i was like

where do you live in regards to nottingham we'd been dating we'd had one night out one day and i was like so she told me where she lived in nottingham a name you know when you meet someone you're like i don't know that place that's just a fucking name it could have been flukwitz from fuck it i don't it's just any word it didn't mean anything to me and it was chill well that's where she's from and i don't know i went what she went i don't what do you mean i went i mean geographically where is it in relation i know where nottingham is i know where derby is where's chill well she was like well it's near beast and i was like no that's not what i'm asking i don't know where the beast in is where's that in geographical relation she was like, no, that's not one of my skin. I don't know where the beast in it is. Where's that in geographical relation?

She was like, I'll have to ask my dad. She had to fucking ask her dad. And then she was like, oh, I've looked on Google Maps. It's sort of, it's sort of west-southwest. I was like, she'd lived there all her fucking life and had no idea geographic. She was like, yeah, Nottingham's that way. I find that very frustrating.

Here's why you do not know how blessed you are with the woman in your life because of the fucking thing I've got in mind. So Jade, right, has got zero sense of direction, but she's so arrogant she doesn't know it.

Or she certainly doesn't act like she knows it so she's from Skemmersdale Jade, she's originally from about 30 miles away from Liverpool Is she from Skemm? Do you not know that? Oh my god I did not know that

Oh my god it makes so much sense So when she moved she moved to Oh my God, it makes so much sense. So when she moved, she moved to Liverpool. We now live in Liverpool. She lives with me where I've lived for the past 10 or so years. She will confidently, she'll be driving the car. And like the one example I always bring up today, we were going to cinema, right?

And we got to a T-junction and she had her left indicator on. And I was like, what are you doing? It's right. She was like, it isn't, it's that way. That's where the main road is. I was like, yeah, that's where the main road is. We're not going to the main road

because the cinema's over there. She's like, it's fucking not over there. And I was like, how many times have you got to get a direction wrong before you consider that maybe I've got a better sense of direction than you, especially in the place I've lived for a fucking decade and you've been here for two weeks.

No, no, you're fucking wrong. So I went, okay, go that way and then I'll show you where we would have come out if we'd have gone your way. It was an argument that ruined the fucking film we were going to see. Yeah. Do you know know but that's that's where politics come into it in it essentially relationship politics is coming

because if she was with someone that she was like acquaintances with she'd have probably gone oh yeah you're right but it becomes about the relationship and like well fuck you adam i'm not... So you're saying you would lose your sense of direction? Oh, fuck yeah, man. Shout out to everyone who's lost their vision. I'm not fucking with that. I think I'd go blind. Nah, fam. Go on, next one.

I love it, love it, love it. That's a great one. By the way, I've been vetting Would You Rathers for four or five months, and I've been coming up with a lot of them and pretending... Pretending they were someone else's that's a good one good start good start solid go so you wanted inconvenience didn't you next yes mate yes mate do it so would you rather constantly have an unbearably itchy bum hole or constantly feel like there's shampoo in your eyes?

Oh, that's awful. Awful. I was like, sir, I was about to go very Victorian gentleman. How dare you, sir? How dare you even mention the unmentionable? It's not like... The salty bum hole? The salty bum hole?? It's not like the salty bum hole. The salty bum hole.

You've got the bum hole. So when you're itching it, you've got to get right in there. Mate. Is there... There's those moments as a man where you know you're being disgusting. Where you're like, you've got that... I don't know what it is. You've had something spicy the day before. You've just got some residuals. i don't know what it is you've had something spicy the day

before you've just got some residuals i don't know what it is there's a tang to the butthole when you get to just have like single tissue paper and just like a fucking like it's not a wipe it's an itch oh oh that is one of the most satisfying things in life while being dreadful like you do it and you're like i'm a pig i don't care it's life i go to the toilet sometimes just to itch me bummo i do i've got an itchy bummo i know that i can't just stick my hand up there so i excuse myself i go to the toilet. I get a bit of toilet roll. I shove it right between my ass cheeks and I wiggle around.

One of Louis CK's. And I know we've said Louis CK. Oh, he's a perv. Let's stop adding that caveat. We don't think that Louis CK is a good person. We think what he did was reprehensible and he's a creepy little knob. However, from going on and never saying it again, let's just

take that as read. That's what we think of him as a person. As a comedian, I think he's an all-time great track on. The show in Phoenix, what was that, about five, six years ago when he was like, you ever just for no reason just think, I really need to wipe my ass right now.

I really need to wipe my ass right now. When he did that, things i haven't been for a shit i just i really need to wipe my ass right now i when i watched that i laughed so much do you know why because every man and this is the thing i'm not talking talking about men. All men have thought that, but there have been, I mean, statistically in comedy, quite a lot of men, and no one has ever gone, you know that thing that is true of all men, that is so piercingly honest, so, like, obvious.

I'm going to say it as a bit of observation there's no add-on there's no flurry it's just that have you ever noticed that sometimes you need to wipe your ass even though you've not been for a shit and i laughed so and you know why it's funny because it's so it's so skillful to know that that's what other men have been through but it's almost like the bravery to go i don't give a shit that you ever people women in the audience like you're a pig young men might be like that's disgusting but everyone i think over 25 who's had a decent night out it's like oh my god he's jesus christ he's literally like a fucking rusty bum old j. It's a phenomenal observation

and it's so well delivered. I, however, did you say shampoo in your eyes? Yeah. You know that when you get shampoo in your eyes and it's stinging like fuck? Do you know what? I tell you,

I've dealt with shampoo in my eyes as a bald man. I haven't dealt with that since about 2001. Wrong question. So, I'll be honest, again, we're going back to my eyes. I haven't dealt with that since about 2001, right? So, I'll be honest, again, we're going back to my eyes. I'm not fucking with my eyes, because if I'm trying to cross a busy road, yeah,

and I've got a rusty, itchiest fuck bum hole, I can clench and just sort of do that crab walk across the fucking road. If you've got shampoo in your eyes, you're getting hit by a BMW and I'm not doing it. So I'm going to take... An itchy bummer. Even though it's the worst. How weird is this?

You've got an itchy bummer. I've got an itchy bummer. I was talking about it. I think you made the right decision there. It's a tough one and it's designed that way on purpose, but you know what? I fucking respect your decision. Adam, can I just say before you do your next Would You Rather,

you are proving yourself so good at podcast planning that we are in the realms of like, oh, the listeners are going to be like, well, Dan's obviously editing it and getting it all online, but Adam's so good at the production. Maybe he should be in charge of all the episodes. I'd reign this in. I'd put a few in the fucking stands here, mate.

I'm not joking. This has been a very good episode, and you know why I know that? Because I've had loads of booze. Go on. So the next one you wanted was superpowers. Yeah, of course, of course, of course. Would you rather be able to read everyone's mind within a hundred yard radius

or be able to read one person's mind at all times no matter where they are in the world? So like you could go, right, I want to be able to read laura's mind wherever she is no matter what oh fucking bore off i can see that i can see that just with a look in her eye she literally from across the room she's like what have i done with my life like pick me dickhead let's let's roll right i love it and i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna break it down one is so much better than the other and i'll tell you for why you think that you'd be able to

to read someone's mind you could pick an incredibly wealthy or influential person however are they gonna live forever no they're gonna die they're gonna get run over they're gonna get cancer whatever so they also could potentially lose influence and wealth so your one pick is a bit of a gamble now yeah with the hundred yards if you read the people so you go to the the un or the gh summit or wherever you can you can go somewhere very heavily populated like the the stock exchange or something you're in the midst of so many people i think that would be long term more useful even though you'd say well jeff bezos or the fucking donald trump or whatever but presidents have terms prime ministers get voted out leaders are fucked off and wealthy people die or lose

their wealth i would rather have the ability to take myself into a situation and read the fucking room and also just specifically on that within 100 yards being able to read the fucking room. And also, just specifically on the, within 100 yards, being able to read the room. Like, if you're a comedian and you wanted to fuck with people, that would be pretty good as well, wouldn't it?

It would. Here's what I'm going to say, though. I'm going to answer me own question here. I would pick the one person. I'll tell you why. Go on. I've watched quite a lot of episodes of Black Mirror, right? Right.

And I think if you could hear and be able to see what other people are thinking around you at all times, and especially what they think of you. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Did it? You hear what they think of you? You can read their mind, yeah. And you can't turn it off you can but the temptation will

be there and you wouldn't turn it off if you knew someone was looking at you funny and you were like what do you think of me there's no way you're going you know what i've learned from your mistakes i'm not gonna that's his business i'm not gonna pry you're gonna use your powers for evil and find out and i don't think anyone wants to know what the people around them... I think we want to, but we... I think we want to want to, but we don't want to. No, of course.

Comedians don't want to read reviews, but they do. They read reviews. Exactly. How many times have you been in a green room with another comma? And in your head, they're your mate. it's a friend of yours but you're thinking, he's doing my fucking head in today, I hate it when he's

like this, he's a knobhead, if you said that out loud, that becomes an irreparable relationship a lot of the time, you'd lose friends you'd lose loved ones, I think it's a nightmare, but if you just pick one person, someone who's dead clever, Bill Gates or something, and you just know what he's thinking and you just patent all his fucking ideas before he does, you could become a clever, Bill Gates or something, and you just know what he's thinking, and you just patent all his

fucking ideas before he does, you can become a billionaire, you've smashed it. Nah, nah, nah. You, I get what you mean, you can read their mind, you have to then be very, very capable to use that reading of a mind. So the big risk

is you have to pick right, and then you have to be able to use the knowledge I'd definitely take the people within 100 yards but I honestly when I answered didn't know that I heard their thoughts can I just have it a one way I want to read I want to read their minds

I don't want to know what they think of me what are you talking about when you're reading minds they can't read yours so hang no but hang on this is what i mean about reading minds if you're anonymous in a crowd of people they have no thoughts of you do they so if there's 100 people at a business conference say you go to a very influential business conference. Yeah, I understand that. I understand what you're saying. Or, you're telling me... Who's that weird guy?

You're telling me... Hang on. Right, 58. 50. Okay, so you're telling me, meeting Laura's parents for the first time, you'd have just turned it off? Yeah.

That's not... Bullshit! No, of course, of course, of course. But I love how seriously I take would-you-rathers. Of course, you're going to take some rough with the smooth with the skill, but if you're gonna take some rough with the smooth with the skill but if you're talking about how you get if you get how you get rich out of it as long as you stay like low key in a situation people aren't thinking about you you're just a bloke in a crowd

but you're reading all demands yeah but how often are you gonna hang out outside the un or jeff bezos's house before he goes and gone? This fucking concierge every day. He's stalking me. How gutted would you be if you were like, right, Jeff Bezos is worth 148 billion. Wicked. Next day, Jeff Bezos has had a jet ski accident

and has fucked himself into a wall. You'd be like, fuck, shut up, take my money. Oh, I want to do another one. Adam. I know we're overrunning it. Honestly, I've got nowhere better to be. Plus, turns out you're the producer now. Go on.

So, odours, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you rather constantly stink of BO, like sweat yeah right but like people within like five yards yeah can smell it the worst ever be like the bo where you're walking through a supermarket and the person who's shopping a minute and a half behind. He's like, ah, what's that? And it's you. Yeah. Go on.

You smell a BO. It's faint, but it's there. Nasty. Or once every calendar month on a random day. So the day changes every month. Yeah. You stink of shit.

Like it smells like you're just constantly shit in your pants all day with diarrhea, but you're not, there's no mess, but it smells like you're just constantly shitting your pants all day with diarrhea but you're not there's no mess but it smells like you are one day a month you don't know when it's coming or constantly stinker b.o i'll tell you i'll tell you for right now i'll take shit day i will take shit day i will take shit day because you know why i love the parameters of this would you rather and i tell you i'll take shit day every day because that smell is a very very strong bo that you explain you are never getting if you're single you're never getting laid you are a fucking hindrance to your friends you're walking on stage and leaving a miasma of your own fucking horrible stanky staleale body odour. It is a problem

constantly. If you wake up in the morning and you go, oh my god, it's my day of the month. You can't just stay in bed. You've still got to go about your day as normal. Well, no. You can't just tap out

and be like, I'm not going anywhere today. If you've got a gig that night, you've still got to go. No, well, that's... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's my fucking game. No, no, no. Well, then... No, stinking...

No, you can't... Because if you have that odour coming off you, you're going to act accordingly. Like, if... So, I do stand stand up normally, pre-rona. I do comedy five days. If I woke up stinking of shit and I was like, Laura, what's that smell? She was like,

I don't know, but you're stinking of shit. I wouldn't be like, oh, well, I've got to get the frog or hot water. I'll get in the car and off I go. I'm telling you, you've got to. No, you've overcomplicated the wood. You've made it unreasonable. I take the stink and just have a big stinky... I'd be gipping my...

Like a hangover. I'd just gip in my bed like... Knowing that tomorrow, fresh as a daisy. Even with my extra caveat, I'd take the shit day and I'd just tell people what it is. I'd write a bit about it. I'd be on stage going, if you can smell rotten shit, by the way, that's me.

I have this condition where once a month, I'm like this. If you have to go about your day as normal and you don't ring your head and say, oh, by the way, Binti, hot water, I'm having my shit day. So maybe you want to bump me to tomorrow? Just turn it all fucking out. Rosie, Jesus Christ!

The weird thing is, there's a couple of comedians who have this day every time I fucking work with them. There's one who stinks a B.O. on the Northwest Circuit. I can't even be in the same room as him. The worst. Quite a successful comedian. No, not him.

He once made a woman cry at Hot Water though because he smelled that bad, the one you're thinking of. Anyway. I've got two more. Adam, you're so good at producing. Come on. Why not? You're finding your role.

Do you know the difference in your... I know you're in a different producing come on why not you're finding your role do you know the difference in your I know you're in a different mood but yesterday it was me all like Adam I've got this for you and you were like ah fuck them

and their fucking dad and then today you're like Dan what do you think of this I'm like oh sure yeah go on I love it

I love the change of fucking pace go on this is the food one okay go on would you rather you know I've got I'm weird with. Go on. This is the food one. Okay. Go on. Would you rather... You know I'm weird with food.

Go on, go on, go on. Would you rather have to eat a whole tin of dog food for three times... Would you rather have to eat a whole tin of dog food three times one day per week? So one day a week, you have a tin of dog food for your breakfast, lunch and dinner. You can have snacks in between, but that's what you have for your breakfast. That's what you have a tin of dog food for your breakfast, lunch and dinner. You can have snacks in between,

but that's what you have for your breakfast. That's what you have for your lunch. That's what you have for your dinner. You have to finish it. Right. For eating the dog food once a week. Or, this better be really bad. Only be able to eat curry-flavoured pot noodles

that have gone out of date for the rest of your life. It's as if no other food exists. Curry-flavoured pot noodles that have gone out of date i mean i mean if if pot noodles go out of date it doesn't really matter that's like saying cardboard stale like um but that i mean god you'd be so like oh god the dog food the dog food's probably got nutrients in it You'd be so like, oh, God. The dog food's probably got nutrients in it. If you eat, right, so this is my problem.

I'm 39. I can now, do you remember when I was like 15, 20 years ago, when I was going out, taking drugs with these gays and drinking GHB? I could see a difference in how I looked physically, my complexion and all that, from what I'd been doing drinking drug-wise. Now I'm 39. If I eat shit for two or three days,

by the fourth day I'm like, wow, you're looking rough. So imagine at 39 years old how rough I would look after two months of just out-of-date curry-flavoured pot noodles. I'd look like a fucking globular piece of shit. Now, in theory, the rest of the time, you could eat well. I probably wouldn't, but I could eat well for six days a week. And that dog food, as long as it was high-end, I'm not eating the shit dog food, it's probably got, all those you know nutrients

that your dog needs i might end up in crofts and here is damn nightingale comedian podcaster best in best in breed are you going dog food i'm going dog food do you you know why? Because I might end up with some fucking hair. I might end up with a lovely mane. When I wrote this one, I was trying my best to make it so that you pick dog food. And it makes it even better that after I got halfway through this question, you were like, this next bit is going to have to be disgusting for me to eat dog food fucking one day

a week and i've got yeah we got him ladies and gentlemen we got him dan's eating dog food but i will live a full and healthy life with that one day a week it's gonna be like why is dad so grouchy yeah it's his pedigree chum day so just leave leave him alone. He just has to gip it down. Like, it probably... The rest of the... Those are the six days. It's a healthy, balanced meal. Curry-flavoured pot noodles?

I'll be dead at 50. My body is just like... Eat a nutrient. He's a good one, that. So you're eating down food. Adam, you're so good at this right I know we've already done a lot of drinking

but we've also done about 40 minutes of podcasting since we've done that so I'm going to finish, I'm going to do the last one which is a drinking one but there's been enough of a gap you ready? it's the final one would you rather every podcast is better when I drink, go on.

Would you rather be able to never get past tipsy when you drink? No matter how much you drink, you're always tipsy. But you're also tipsy from your first sip onwards. So you have a little sip of beer, you're tipsy. You can't drive, you're tipsy, right? Tipsy's the best bit, go on. Or, be totally sober for your

first three drinks, no matter what they are, you can have a double whiskey and coke if you want. For three drinks, you will be totally sober. On your fourth drink, as soon as you have a sip, you're absolutely hammered. Tipsy, tipsy. Because you basically, I know, I can see you're absolutely hammered tipsy tipsy because you basically i know i can see you're

thinking on this one but what you've said is do you know that bit of drinking is the best bit where you feel a little bit of it but you're not a bell end which the bit of drinking that everyone really wants to feel when you feel like i feel fucking illegal forever or none of the above nothing and then for in the bin going no fuck you and your fucking mom no tipsy i understand the thought process i reject the concept tipsy good answer yeah you've got a good point there's James Acaster on one of his specials

on Netflix has a joke about this he says there's only four things you can be sober, tipsy, drunk and hungover tipsy is the only one

you don't cry Joran I tell you what that boy is fucking good isn't he Adam Rowe he is I don't give a shit

what you think about stand up James Acaster is good. I don't give a shit what you think about stand-up. James Acaster is good. He started out at Vauxhall Comedy Club. Yeah, he did. That's still an advert for them. He probably never. I bet he did.

Doing these adverts makes me want to go to Vauxhall Comedy Club so much. When the shutdown is over, when we're free, when venues are open again, if you like comedy and you're in london or if you're visiting the big smoke go and watch some live stand-up at the voxel comedy club it's just over the water near the west end really central on a friday and saturday night they have an amazing offer where they do as much booze as you can get a bottomless booze comedy night amazing comedians from the tv TV, from the circuit. It's 90 minutes, free wine, cider, beer, and it's just 25 quid. There's also a spirit and mixer bottomless ticket,

and there's also an entry ticket that's just £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club is open Monday to Saturday, and it's right next to the amazing Vauxhall Street Food Garden. So obviously right now you can't go, but as soon as you can, get down there, enjoy yourself. Adam's played it, I'm looking you can't go. But as soon as you can, get down there, enjoy yourself. Adam's played it. I'm looking forward to playing it. And in the meantime, hit them up on socials,

at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Instagram, at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter, and Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook. The show is 18 and over, so if you look young and fresh, take your ID. And if you look like me, fucking Grandad Dave, you'll get right in. See you there, Vauxhall Comedy Club.

Nice one. fucking grandad Dave you'll get right in see you there Vauxhall Comedy Club nice one two mics two leads and a lot of time

on their hands this is Have A Wad welcome back do you want to play our theme tune it's time to have a word with Adam and Dan tell us all the problems

you had with your friends this was gonna be the whole podcast Oh, Harry, you've made my... You've improved my life so much. Beautiful fucking quality, innit? Now, got one have a word prep for today. It's sort of something that we touched on a little bit yesterday, a little bit in a slightly different way in not in the have a word section. We've got this email come through

from Emily, who wants us to have a word with men who give up once they're in a relationship. They stop making efforts. They don't take their girls on as many dates as they did at the start. They don't clean the toilet or the bathroom. They'll leave their pubes in the bath after they've shaved them. They just literally give up and don't make an effort to make their girlfriends fancy them anymore.

You need to have a way with them, especially during lockdown, because now we're locked with them together. And it's just aggravating every argument we have she didn't spell that right but i think that's what she meant that's from emily what do you reckon well emily i i feel like i'm aware everything you write everything you said is absolutely right and i am worried that in a week when my wife listens to this, she'll be like, you absolute bellend. Why are you going, oh, yeah, you're totally right, Emily.

Why don't you? I think every man is guilty of this. Aren't they? Are you, Adam? I mean, Jade loves you and you love Jade. But you know you could do more, surely. I take issue with the fact that Emily thinks this is a male problem and not a human one.

Oh, yes. Turn it around. Turn it around, Adam. Bitches be slacking too. They stop shaving their legs. They start leaving that little bit of hair on their lip, which is not there at the start. They stop having as fun sex.

They just want to do missionary. At the start they are like, oh no, I like being choked. Punch me in the eye. Call me a cunt. Punch. Say my nan's dead. People give up when they get comfortable. Yes, men do it. I'm a nightmare for this.

The bathroom is a fucking state. My IBS shit is sprayed on. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Upset me! Nasty bitch! Jade drives me mad with this

because she'll be like, you've had a shave, haven't you? Because there's like three hairs in the bathroom. I haven't moved them. I want you to go with this magnifying glass and find the three hairs you've left in the bathroom. When she shaves her fanny, she taps the razor on the wall of the shower

and it stays there for fucking months. Mate, Laura, there's hairs from when Laura shampoos. And she just sort of must like, slap her hand against the tiles on the wall. She just sort of must, like, slap her hand against the tiles on the wall. She just sort of leaves them there. It's absolutely vile.

It's easy to say when you haven't got no hair to slap on the wall, though, isn't it? You don't know when you would do that. I'll tell you what, if you ever want the upper hand, the moral high ground in like, oh, there's loads of fucking hairs wrapped around the fucking hoover thing. If you're bald, you always get to call her out.

I'm not saying being bald's fun. It's not. It's a bit of a pain. You look like a Danish sex offender. Right. But one of the advantages, you get to take the moral high ground. It looks like a Dalmatian's just fucked itself against our shower yes that's you not me because i'm a swedish baldy i would say this i get the reasoning oh just because we're together a long time doesn't mean you shouldn't make effort

so my nana and granddad they were married for 60 years plus wedding anniversary did they have 60 so at what point are you allowed to be like yeah that's enough now I get

I get it oh you just because you're married doesn't mean you shouldn't make the effort but 20 years of marriage, let me get my hairy balls flopping about and not give a shit. There must be a point.

So you're telling me that every married couple, you got married when you were 20, you're now 80, you've been married 60 years and you've still got to shave your fucking Fajit and he's got to shave his tuppence just because you don't want to hairy. Like there is a point. So when's the point? Is point, so when's the point?

Is it Emily? When's the point? Yeah, when should your fella be allowed to just be himself? That's the thing. You're stopping your man living his truth. If he wants to be a dick, that's it. That was the most... That was the most alt-right fucking...

No, hey, Henley, you're a serb. Hey, lit, smell the fart. That's the man. Love the man, love the fart. Do you know, Jay, he woke me up the other night to tell me I'd farted in my sleep and I need to stop. Oi, I love that woman. I think she's great.

I'm not sure you're alright for each other long term. I am. I'm really worried about that. Any woman who wakes you up while you're asleep to tell you farted. What does she want me to do? Hold it in in me sleep.

Like, suck it in. I'm so sorry, babe. Yeah, so Emily, swivel. I guarantee you've let yourself go as well. Not bad. Everyone listening, I know for a fact

Adam doesn't want to prep every show but I think you'll find this has been a fucking belter Oh You injured yourself? Belter, you've, oh Adam you're good at this It's time I have a word

and I'm drunk, so that's probably Yes you are, I'm worried about the edit that's how drunk you are Something's gonna get missed Either the song's gonna be on the air probably ultimate opinion. I'm worried about the edit. That's how drunk you are. Something's going to get missed. Either the songs are going to be on the air. There's going to be a weird Twitter like, why was there a Coldplay song at minute 37?

I came alone. I can't wait to get pissed on Sati oh we're doing it my beer 52 will be here by then today's band is called Bright Falls they're an alt country slash rock band from Thales in Ireland

they are Bright Falls Forever on Instagram and at I am Bright Falls on Twitter this song is called Preacher Casey it's a banger as well listened to it earlier it's dead good we'll see you tomorrow Dan

go and have a coffee and then edit the podcast I love you see you later bye Volusia bye I bought myself a shotgun Of a clergyman's son He tells me stories

I speak no lie They call him Preacher Casey With lift I was lazy He wore a patch upon the right Well he's born to be there And every word he spoke was the truth And now he will soar and bleed for the sacred Sack with a make

At 69 he bought a knife Traveled the plains throughout the night The angel of death lurked in the sand Miss Patty! Kept down a man named Abraham Made him pay for all his sins He stabbed him in the neck in a shift of times. When he thought to be dead, every word he spoke was the truth. And now he will soar and leap for the sacred sack we make. Take that sack with me

I bought my seventh shotgun Off the clergyman's son He tells me stories, I speak no lie Tracked down a man named Abraham Made him pay for all his sins Stabbed him in the neck and shit twelve times Woo! you