Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #53 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 8, 2020

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What's happening, guys? It's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month, and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Now I'm getting the word Nuts Cha Upset me

Nasty bitch Catch me outside How about that I'm big bonded I'm heavy structured I'm hung low If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting.

With video on YouTube, on social media, at Have A Word Pod, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. Have a word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together. Oh, good morning, good morning. Yes, it is. It does feel like morning. It's better than usual today for us, isn't it? Way earlier. This is seriously early because I'm doing something fucking intrinsically Tory in about two and a half hours. Oh, no.

Having a VE garden party on the street. No, you know! Yeah, and I tell you, I'm not even joking. Someone's playing tunes across the way, which Try Not Just Is about half an hour ago, just as I was coming upstairs, and I heard them playing the Dad's Army theme tune.

That's the fucking level of tunes. They're going to be dropped from, who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler if you think old England's done. Oh, it's going to be so white. Oh, it's going to be so fucking white.

What is VE Day? Because I don't know. I just know I've heard a nonce. Yeah, it's a nonce thing. It's victory in Europe. It was the end of the war in Europe in 1945, 75 years ago. The Nazi one. Is that the Nazi one?

That's the damn Nazis. And then about four months later, the Japanese were like, nah, mate, we're not not giving up we'll fight to the last man and america were like well what about these two bombs on your fucking ass two bombs and the end and then they were like oh shit didn't know you were gonna do that we were gonna fight but fuck it's always like you know you play fine and then someone just fucking lamp someone like oh oh, I knew we were fighting, but fucking hell, guys. Like, it was that. You just compare a nuclear holocaust to a slightly harder dig. I mean, you know, I think the analogy stands.

It's like getting a knuckle duster out when you're fucking around with your cousin, isn't it? I guess that one. Actually, I suppose that's okay to celebrate. I guess that was... Actually, I suppose that's okay to celebrate. I've never really understood the idea of national service and giving a shit. And I don't know whether that's because Liverpool is historically disenfranchised

from central government and stuff, but... Do you know if there was a war in Iraq that went mad, like, worse than it did, and, like, they were drafting people, and it was like, like, at the time, like, it might have been, like, Adam, you're of the age, we're signing you up to go and fight. I'd have said no. I'd have done prison rather than go and kill people.

Yeah. I think it's... But Nazi is different, isn't it? I think it's hard to... I mean, this is, like, three generations ago, isn't it i think it's hard to i mean this is like three generations ago and it my granddad fought in the war my my other granddad who's still alive just he he he's basically he was 17 at the end of the war so he he was dying all of his mates were dying to go and then they were like war's finished he was like fuck because they were dying to go they wanted it it got you laid fucking about like oh i finished he was like fuck because they were dying to go they wanted

it it got you laid fucking about like oh i didn't go to war because you know because of my asthma people the girls were like fuck off they wanted servicemen it was it was what your mates did it's what your brothers did your cousins you know your dad maybe you'd done it in the war before they all wanted to do it and to not do it like i think now there's a cultural difference i think cowardice in that era and i'm not saying conscientious objectors were cowards but that's what they were labeled as and that stigma fucking stuck yeah my granddad thought well i say he was um an electrical engineer yeah and he he was he was sorting the cars and that. You know what I mean?

My grandad served his whole fucking five years, whatever he was in the forces for, in basically just taxiing people around in the Air Force. He was like, tells us about the war. He was like, I had a truck, kept it serviced, just drove people around when they told me to drive them around. It's like, did you ever even hear a bullet he was like no no couple of lads got malaria that's about it he's just he was so far back he was like i don't know but to to i'm not a bit i'm not into it and

i think the further we get away from it the less people will will give a shit but i you've seen where i live it's very middle england isn't it it's like four miles out chester i can imagine is there bunting or has someone oh mate they're playing dad's army across the way there's several bits of bunting i honestly think the only reason someone's not been round to go, we've got bunting for the whole street, is because they're not allowed to. I think someone from the fucking parish council would absolutely have loved...

Where I'm from, bunting is something you get from a Jamaican bakery. Oh, mate! Not even my line Adam you brought the joke are you hungover yes

yes well done on the description of the podcast as well because that was entertaining once people were tweeting me it you got a little bit pissy didn't you i was a little bit wavy oh god i'm ropey today and it it's so bad because we were talking about hangovers and i don't like to go for a walk and have two types of fucking chips you know i woke up at 4 a.m just you know when your body is like it feels like someone's put like a furnace inside you like what is going on i'm so warm I woke up at 4am just, you know, when your body's like,

it feels like someone, someone's put like a furnace inside you. Like what is going on? I'm so warm. And then I was too hot and I was too cold. And I've, since my brother-in-law's gone, I've taken the bed out of the studio. Cause I just want it to be a studio.

Cause I felt like a high tech prisoner and I haven't sorted the other room out yet. So I was like, oh shit, I'm going to be in with Laura. And last night was the first night I was sleeping in with Laura. And I was fucking steaming when we went to bed. Woke up at four. You know when you're still pissed, but the hangover started early.

You've not even been able to sleep through it. I was hot. I had to go for a shit at six. I had to then get back in bed. I was like, oh. Then the juice I was trying to drink felt awful. And then I vomed. I vomed just as Etta was getting up.

She was like, oh, daddy's poorly. I was like, oh God, it's the worst. Ropey, mate.

And I, you know, when parents do that thing of like, oh, I tell you what, before you've got kids, just enjoy your life. Like,

it's, they just wank on about the same things. The one thing that all parents listening will will recognize is i hate all that shit about live your life it's fucked when you've got kids your life with kids is amazing but the hangovers with small children it's like a level of shame you didn't know you had because when etta got up and i puked laura went you're not coming in here and there was no other bed so i had to get in my daughter's bed and just like i'm like oh this fucking my neighbor to toro and like pink things on the wall and i'm like pushing out mr fluffy bunny and and just like i love how laura would rather you get in bed with Etta than her once you've been sick.

No, no. Etta wasn't. If I tried to get in my daughter's bed in the morning for a cuddle, she would punch me in the fucking eye. She she was already in with Laura, like looking on the iPad. And Laura was like, you're not coming. I'd been trumping. I'd been doing that thing, you know, when you know you're doing it, but you can't stop where you're you're awake and you're not coming. I'd been trumping. I'd been doing that thing, you know, when you know you're doing it, but you can't stop where you're awake and you're getting annoyed you can't sleep. You go, oh, oh, for fuck's sake.

I was just awful. I was the worst type of bedfellow. I have been roping. You got in your daughter's bed, and it wasn't even like, let's daddy and daughter have a cuddle. It was just... It was the only place to sleep

that's so tragic and the image I've got in my head of you wrapped in a pink Barbie yep it's not far off and it's that thing of like I can't move and then she's like daddy daddy

let's have a disco and you're like oh I'm usually a good dad. She's like, play music. I want to be like, I'd rather shoot myself in the face. Oh, it's absolutely horrific. Daddy, what do you want to do? Lie here and cry. Why don't we play doctors and we'll play end of life care?

You can be a doctor. Do you know what a hospice is? Okay, Daddy's going to play terminal patient. Just go and say to mummy, there's nothing we can do. We're just doing our best to make him comfortable. This will help him rest. That's how it felt. I've put

myself on a coffee ban. Okay. Because I am not sleeping at appropriate times. I was up till quarter to seven this morning. Oh no, another. Yeah, just like. That's when I was puking. After like two o'clock, me and Jay got in bed

about eleven and watched the telly for a few hours and then jay was like right bedtime turn it off whatever and i was like yeah you can do whatever you want i'm gonna go downstairs and play fifa for the bit i lost four games in a row i lost four games in a row on fifa nearly smashed me pads a bit so i turned that off um and then I was like, right, I'm going to do a bit of work. So I started working on the artwork for the stand-up special. Which it looks like,

I'll confirm this in a few days, it's going to come out on Saturday, the 30th of May. Love it. That's a heavy pencil of a date. So put that in your diary. If you haven't already gone to my YouTube channel to subscribe,

please do that. You can go to youtube.com slash Adam row comedy, A D A M R O W E C O M E D Y. Um, and hit subscribe, but also there's a little bell you'll notice on YouTube. If you click that, it means you'll get an email whenever I upload a video.

Um, so when the special goes online, you'll get an email about that. If you could go and look at my YouTube, which is not as comprehensive as Adam's, but I'd like some followers as well on the old YouTube. It's Dan Nightingale comedy, so that'd be appreciated. I am not

bringing out a special, to be honest, but first of all, go to Adam's. Do Adam's. Yeah, that's the most important. And then come and have a wonder if you're still on YouTube. There's not that many videos on my channel, be honest with you but there's a playlist of all my hot water videos that you can find if you go there so yeah do that but i just i got bogged down and doing the artwork and then i looked up and i hadn't shut like we've got patio doors i hadn't shut the blinds so i could see it was getting light and. And I was like, what the fuck?

What time is it? Because in my head, because I'd played four games of FIFA, which is just over an hour, and turn that off. But time doesn't seem to pass when you're playing FIFA. So I thought that was about 10 minutes. If you'd have asked me the time, I'd have gone, it's about three, quarter past three. It was 10 to five.

And by the time I actually stopped scrolling on my phone after that and got upstairs, it was half five. And then I was up in bed for another hour. And Jade's got that, I told you so face on, because she's been telling me for a while, I drink too much coffee and too late in the day. And what's been happening is I get up, I have myself a coffee. And as I said the other day, I have a second coffee when we do the pod

and my coffee, first of all coffee is ranged on a 1 to 5 strength scale my coffee is strength 5 and I have a double espresso coffee twice a day, so I was having one when I get up and I feel amazing and then I have another one while we're on the podcast

but yesterday we did the podcast at like quarter past 5, So I had a fucking Colombian mule kick of a coffee. Isn't espresso already like I'm not a coffee drinker, but isn't espresso already like a double hard bastard and then you're having

like, is it like a quadruple hard bastard? If you go to a coffee shop and order a double espresso, you essentially get a double shot of coffee. It's like ordering a double Sammuca. Right. But most coffee in the UK that you get from a coffee shop is espresso based.

So if you order an Americano, a double shot Americano, which is what I drink, they'll get that double shot of coffee and then add a load of hot water to it and then a little bit of milk like you do if you just have enough white coffee. So that's what I drink. I drink a double espresso white Americano. Right. Fuck me. And you drink two of those basically in an afternoon?

Yeah, that's what I've been doing. It's a lot of caffeine, isn't it? Yeah, especially when for a month before it, I had no coffee. I like an energy drink and the worst thing you can ever do is think you're flagging pre-gig and go, oh, I'm just going to bosh one.

It'll give me a boost. Adrenaline will get you through the gig anyway. As soon as you do that, you are messing with your sleep so badly. If you have one in the morning at lunchtime, it's different. As soon as you get to tea time and after that, it's such a day. Now, I can still sleep, but I think I've told you before, I do like the vampire rise at like 3.30. My heart starts pounding.

My dream gets really fucking intense. I'm like fighting off like all sorts. And then I wake up like, and it's all of my heart's fucking going. It's so bad. It can't be good for you, that shit. No, energy drinks, I will very, very, very rarely have them anymore

because of the palpitations it's given me in the past. But sometimes if I'm tired, if I've had a long day and I've got a gig, I will have a strong coffee late on but it doesn't normally affect me the way it is at the minute. I'm assuming that it's coffee and not just a lack of fucking shit to do

so I'm bored and not tired. I think it's the lack of an adrenaline I think, I'm sure, this is I've floated this theory I'm not convinced it's a real theory but we gig so much and we have that spike of excitement and then deal with it and there's like we expel that adrenaline and energy and we've just we've had eight weeks of not fucking doing it that's gotta have some effect

so it is then caffeine like add is it more potent because you've got almost like more kinetic energy in you i don't know it sounds like stupid shit but no i think it could be true sound like bullshit but i i i believe you bullshit like what you mean is when i have a double espresso americano at seven o'clock at night and then do a gig at half eight the adrenaline of the gig and the come down of it burns through a lot of the caffeine sort of thing yeah i think that's probably um obviously as a comedian when you're like oh god it's so difficult we've got extra adrenaline that we're not getting rid of like we're not trying that's not going for sympathy

or anything like it's not like oh we're having a hard time like it's just a weird offset of of losing out on what we do like i miss the gigging and everything but it's mental that that can actually have an effect on your body like you're almost people have said and this must be psychological but saturdays are worse saturday's the worst night because they're like oh god this is the night i'm always gigging it's saturday night it's the best night of gigging that's why i think the boozing for us on a saturday is my favorite bit of boozing because it's just like i'm about to say that i think the reason i haven't had that is because every saturday i've had a drink like i am gagging for a pint like oh well when i say a pint i mean a beer like tomorrow i've got a case of bud light cans and i might go

through all fucking 15 of them tomorrow. I deserve a drink. I've had a shit week mentally with this shit. It's fucking draining me now. I need a gig. I need to be allowed back out but I also don't want to go back out yet because we might all die or I might kill me dad. It's such a

fucking shit situation and having a pint on a sappy is fucking helping me through it. Well, you know, considering yesterday you sort of held the fucking ship together as i like skipped around the deck like like i you can i'll you go for it you run ahead podcast wise you have the booze i'll have a few right now even contemplating a turbo shandy feels a little bit ropey but i will have a booze I'll have a few right now even contemplating a tailbone shandy feels a little bit ropey but I will have a few but I'll stay

you know I'll stay relatively controlled and you can go full case Bud Light if you want I mean what are they announcing on Sunday Adam

what are they announcing I have to admit if you'd have told me five six weeks ago when you were like I don't think we're gigging until November I was like mate I feel that really feels overly cautious and pessimistic and i sadly

enough i'm really coming around to your way of thinking i think maybe by august and september there's a random gigs popping up that are giving it a try and i think by october november december you you're going to be on like a part time schedule with maybe half wages it's going to be the new year before it even starts looking similar to it to how it was before but I really thought we'd be

gigging by sort of July and I think that might be a month or two early and even when we are I can't see it being more than one or two a week I don't see how you're going to have that many gigs. Every comic's going to be like, yeah, I'll gig. It's going to be weird. I'm very, very lucky with Hot Water that as soon as they open again,

they will open seven days a week. As soon as they're allowed to open and they can financially justify opening and they will do the full seven days. And I'm just going to text blair and go sunday to thursday i'll come down for free i'm not asked pay me on the weekends sunday to thursday i just want to come and speak to a room full of fucking people and i'll do that for four weeks and i'll come out of it with a new set do you think i think what's coming and this is just industry talk i know but we get so many

emails saying that people love this side of what we talk about because it's the only thing i'm anywhere near an expert on i think what is in a comedian's diary now going forward i think that diary can be put in the fucking bin i don't think any of those bookings stand because if and when gigs open up if they are like guys we can only put 70 people 80 people in this room at the most we can only pay you 80 quid well if you live too far away you're not going to be able to get to the gig i think all of those gigs need to be ripped up and then i look at the frog and hot water particularly and think thank fuck i live within 40 minutes of you guys because i'm'm not, I mean, with Hot Water,

there's Paul Smith, there's you. Then who are the guys that Hot Water, like Danny, Danny Mac and Freddie. Danny Mac, Freddie Quint, Phil Chapman. Phil. I'm like in the tier down of guys they use. Like I'm definitely in with Hot Water. I'm there every five, six weeks. But you guys are like their goat. But I think I'm the in with the hot, in with hot water. I'm there every five, six weeks,

but you guys are like their goat. But that, I think I'm the same with the, you both of us are the same with the frog. They'll come to us first. I could see us running a really localized circuit. Yeah. Cause how are you going to be able to afford to go to Newcastle or Brighton?

Exactly. Tell you what, though. I'm still not doing the fucking slaughterhouse. That gang of cunts can suck my dick. No word from our sponsors. What the fuck just happened? Oh, my God. I don't know if you...

You probably couldn't hear the fucking blowtorch that Adam just lit he just touched

the fucking oh here's a word from our new sponsor Slaughterhouse Comedy in

do you like gigs some men Mr. some men Mr. Wayne just want to watch the world burn.

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also what what was that quote? Did you just make that quote? Aren't I living over here? Where a man and woman can live together, which is the world. I think I've got that quote from watching... I'm actually doing an impression of someone doing a Nelson Mandela impression.

Yeah. And they say that... Who is it? I can't remember i do love impressions though good ones i think there's no middle ground with an impressionist for me you're either brilliant or dog shit there's no one who's okay impressions yeah yeah yeah yeah and someone who's brilliant at them. Like, that's something else I watch when I'm hungover. I watch Denzel Washington impressions.

Denzel impressions. Why Denzel? I like Pacino. I don't like Pacino impressions as much. I tell you what's weirdly hacky. And walking. Yeah. British stand-up, when someone does a De Niro impression,

it's weirdly hacky. The face the face yeah just do the face like what are you doing mate what a brilliant impression usually um we've got some uh correspondence adam and then we've got a little bunch of would you rathers i did not have the creative capacity to make any of these. I have just read emails and gone, yeah. Colin Hagen, who has been in touch with several things. Colin, we appreciate you, and we appreciate you getting in touch so much. He's emailed and gone, good morning, lads.

Fully endorsed the reduced hours of output. I think you've done amazing work. Appreciate you, Colin. Thank you. On my last big night out before the Rona lockdown, I met this lovely young woman. Now, he sent a picture that he's had taken on his phone. Now, Colin is about my age, maybe a touch older.

He's looking good, you know know and she is fucking hot she looks like Kim Kardashian's fucking cousin she's banging she is amazing and he looks pleased as punch to be anywhere fucking near her he's got that look in his eye am I going to get to touch those fucking boobs

he's got that look in his eye she's like me close enough to sniff her he's chuffed to fuck. So I think essentially what he's saying is, I met this amazing woman and things are pretty good. And then the fucking lockdown started. And he said every day for the last couple of weeks, he's obviously been a bit depressed that he's not been able to crack on with this woman. I've had a little cry for her after you found out that netherton is that netherton a part of liverpool netherton netherton parrot whaler so funny because we've started using the drop

and guess what this hottie's name was that colin met on a night out and he's dying to bang so every time we play it we're all like oh yeah the parrot got lost sugar and he's like I want to stick my dick in sugar sugar do you reckon when he finally comes he's going to sound like that I'm getting close

I'm nearly there sugar don't fuck it up and shout denise craig cooper has emailed in all right dave and ann what possibly leave the fucking mars how will i don't bring the fucking Mars into it. They're both fucking dead. Um, also someone mentioned my mom on,

uh, on Twitter and spelled it with a K. And I found that more annoying than them trying to do jokes about my dead mom. I'm like, all right, we'll do. Former nightingale. I can tell I'm hungover because I find that genuinely funny.

Look at you with the wordplay. You've been fucking WhatsAppping Danny Mac. Bunting. All right, Dave and Anne, possible new feature. Listen, guys, when I'm hung hungover I'm all for this not just people emailing in but actually going look do you want us to do

all the work for you possible new feature call it proudest moment Craig says his proudest moment ever he's a born and bred Scouser and I'm a restaurant manager and used to live and work

down in that there London so Christmas party came and I took all the team out for a meal and night out. The place the team chose was bang average at best. So after the meal was done, my drunken ass thought

it would be funny to mess with the restaurant. They had a four-year bit with an unattended computer. So I decided to put on the website meatspin.com. Is that a gay website? It's a gay sex website. It sounded like the way i pronounced that it was like i was trying

to hide the fact that i know the gay porn industry really it's adam it's a gay sex worldwide web hosting site i assume and i believe it has pictures of sodomy. I want to live in a world where a man and a man can live together. I want to live in a world where a man can spin his meat. We leave the place, assuming it would be found moments later by a staff member

and think nothing of it. They've done a bit of banter because they work in a restaurant. They know how to fuck with like, you know, the little foyer computer. Cut to a month later and I see this in a national newspaper. Colin has attached an article from the Metro,

and the headline of the Metro is, family saw hardcore gay porn playing on restaurant computer. Yes! A mother has contacted police after her three sons witnessed hardcore gay pornography being played on a restaurant computer

screen. Jade Miller, 27, took her sons to Jimmy's restaurant at the O2 in Greenwich when her two older sons told her they had seen

something bad. She looked at the screen. What are these fucking homophobic children? Something bad. There's nothing

wrong with a man and a man having a little bum. There's fucking nothing wrong with homophobic children something wrong with a man and a man having a little bum there's fucking now wrong with that kid would they have said it was wrong if there was a lady involved no they wouldn't they'd have had a wank in the restaurant listen to that she looked at the screen

which showed this is a literal this is a direct quote I'm going to share this article on our twitter she looked at the screen which showed a man and a transsexual engaging This is a direct quote. I'm going to share this article on our Twitter. She looked at the screen, which showed a man and a transsexual engaging in a sex act while Dead or Alive's You Spin Me Right Round was played. It also showed a rotating helicopter penis. There's no such thing as a transsexual.

Your sex is set at birth. You can be a transgender so whoever is fucking writing into this metro and the editor of the newspaper they need to have a word with themselves and get woke with the kids okay fucking vegetables again oh 2015 and mccoy's hobnobs and mccoy's uh were they vegan lesbian flavor? This is from 2015. So this is from a different era, Adam, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah. This is 2015 where you're like,

there's a fucking, there's a fucking trans, oh, you know? I don't know what the term is. Now everyone's like, oh my God, it's this. It's not that. And that's really disrespectful. Oh my God, that's a woman with a dick. If this had been from like 1995,

it'd be like fucking tranny on a dick. If this had been from like 1995, it'd be like, fucking Tronny on a computer. We don't trust either. Cocking a frock on one of those magic boxes. Well done, Craig. You absolute fucking legend. I hope he's not seen this article, thought it was funny, and then just written that backwards Craig I want to believe you

and I think I'm going to but my god don't you dare question our listenership they would never lie to us do you think Lily Savage would be allowed now hmm for those listening who are like what is this ancient relic you talk about

you'll know Paul O'Grady he's done a chat show for years now but he's the character called Lily Savage which was him who and I assume he's a gay man oh yeah he's fucking was dressed up as a woman to host

blankety blank blankety blank and other such game shows. Oh yeah, he made his like, cut his teeth on the Liverpool club circuit like the old mainstream circuit back in the D's and was just, yeah, it's a

now, God, I don't want to get it right what's a man dressed as a woman? That's a transvestite isn't it? I think so, yeah. Or a drag queen. A drag queen. And this is before RuPaul made that shit.

What a fucking abomination that the Lord will burn him for. You know, one of those three. Fucking hell, the crisps are kicking in, everyone. The crisps are kicking in. Give them some fucking watsits. Adam's coming back. I always get those three mixed up. It's either transvestite, drag queen,

or a fucking abomination. It's one that I can't... It depends who you listen to. I think you need some carrot sticks. We need person as well. Person. So, if you've got a proudest moment, I'm going to go away and have a little think,

because Craig, yours is going to take some matching. If you have a proudest moment, and it's going to make us two laugh, and you think we'll share it on Have A Word... I think we have to call it something other than proudest moment, because we're going to get people writing and going, the day my daughter was born, and we're going to be like, oh, shut up,

Barry. Mate, if you email that in, and you are daft enough to think we're going to be like oh shut up barry mate if you email that in and you are daft enough to think we're going to read that shite fucking hell it has to be when you've done something that has wound someone up or landed them in a bit of fucking trouble or you know showing some kids some hardcore gay porn something in those categories i wasn't even there when Etta was born. I was parking the car. Were you not?

I was parking the car. Yeah. I wasn't Laura's birthing partner. So when you said that, my proudest moment was like, oh yeah, that's that dickhead time

that I've missed the birth of my daughter. Oh, you're all sad now. No, no, no. It's funny. It just makes me look abellant. Who was her birthing partner?

Her sister Becca, who's fucking amazing. I love Becca. No, no, no. It's funny. It just makes me look abellant. I can't. Her sister, Becca, who's fucking amazing. I love Becca. She listens to the pod. Shout out to the best sister-in-law in the game. I can't do blood and guts. My granddad had stitches about 10 years ago, and I nearly passed out. I got asked to leave the doctor's little hospital theatre bit

because he was just having some stitches in his head, and I was like, oh! And I can't do blood and gorge can't see on tv i'm like yeah it's not real in real life i'm like whoa whoa and what do you mean blood is the blood when you give birth okay good oh it's gonna be a steep learning curve they're at the she had um a c-section because etta was breached they were like oh shit this fucking baby's trying to come out there's not even less blood because they just open the stomach and it's like opening a pot of tupperware and taking whatever you need out and then you just put it right okay so i can

see from what you've just said that you do not suffer the same like problem with gore that i do you you just said that so didn't you they just cut a stomach and then they pull out all their intestines and just put them there and then a few and then they just cut a stomach, and then they pull out all her intestines and just put them there, and then a few, and then they just pop a baby out. You don't have to take her intestines out. It's just a baby. Mate, I'm not joking.

This Becca's son, Becca, was peeping round to see what was going on. They check all the shit while it's open. They're like, oh, well, it's like, you know, on a service, like, well, we've had the cam belt off. Let's just check the whole engine. They start fucking getting things out. Look at that. That's nice, they're like, oh, well, it's like, you know, on a service, like, well, we've had the cam belt off, let's just check the whole engine. They start fucking getting things out, and be like,

look at that, that's nice, isn't it? What's that? Yeah, but I reckon, you could just say to the doctor, look,

I don't need a full fucking MOT, he just sought me windshield out, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Get the baby out. Yeah, but, by this point,

I'd be unconscious, face floor on the fucking theatre floor, like, whoa, so it just wasn't happening. Becca was like Oh I love it I want to be there

She was mine Brilliant I'm going to be hers Amazing If we have another kid My mother-in-law's doing it They're taking turns There's a fucking queue

And I'm not in it So The plan was I was going to be outside I was going to be like The fucking logistics guy I was going to be like Tech support

Oh she needs A costa I don't know In my head I was going to be like Whatever you need babe i'll be outside i'll be ready to go and as soon as the baby's born so she went in at 9 p.m the doctor was like you're you'll be a dad at 9 45 so in 45 minutes be here and you can come in and you can meet your daughter we were like i was like 45 minutes that's enough time to move the

fucking car because i was in the really expensive uh car park i was like i could get that fucking idiot i could get the car route because i knew where there was parking i forget the car like just back into beast and a bit i park it for free and i just jog back this is fucking sweet and then i was like it's more like 50 minutes really i could do with a shower we've been dicking around all day. I drove home and I had a shower. You're a fucking knobhead. I had, honestly, I had a shower and then I picked up one of the pillows under the guise of, I went home for one of Laura's pillows.

Then, as I was driving back to Nottingham, the hospital in Nottingham, I saw a co-op and was like, oh, I fucking love a snack. Stopped. No, ding, ding, ding, ding, I fucking love a snack. Stopped. No, ding, ding, ding, ding. You didn't do this.

Right. I swear on, ding, ding, ding. And then the phone goes. I swear on Etta's life, I did this. I went and got grapes. I can't remember what snack I got, but I got some. I was like, I've got grapes for Laura. I'm really doing it for Laura.

Do you know how many women are listening to this podcast right now that are fucking seething? Yeah. Yeah, I'm a bellend. I got a phone call from Becca, who was obviously the birthing partner. She was expecting to ring me, and I was just in the foyer outside the theatre, and she went, you're a dad. And I was like, do you want to come and meet your daughter?

I was like, I literally looked to the right, and I was driving past Chilwell Golf Club in Nottingham. I was about, do you want to come and meet your daughter? I was like, I literally looked to the right and I was driving past Chilwell Golf Club in Nottingham. I was about fucking eight minutes away. I then, by the way, this isn't all on me. Those fucking surgeons did it in about half an hour. I would have made it if they weren't rushing. So I fucking flew back, had to park in the expensive car park again. So paid for it back, had to park in the expensive car park again. So paid for it twice.

Fucking nightmare. Ran upstairs. I'm having, I feel guilt. I feel bad. Walked in. And the pressure of being a bellend and being next to a golf course when my daughter was born and looking like a real twat of a dad because I was trying to park the car while my wife was in surgery.

And then also- And you walked in with a fucking punnet of grapes. I've got grapes, a fucking pack of chewy drumsticks, and like a pillow, walked in, saw my daughter, and burst into tears. And you know when people say, oh, I cried at the birth of my child, it was embarrassing crying. It was too much.

You walked in to meet your daughter for the first time. And burst into tears. As if you were going to see Big Mama's house too. I've got me snacks. I don't like the cinema seats, so I've brought a pillow. And I'm ready. How are you, Laura? Are you comfy?

Look, this pillow's real comfy. I fucking wept. And then the doctor's's like one of the doctors the most awkward moment he was like oh gave me a pat on the shoulders shut up now he's like oh it's nice to see a man who can show his feelings and i nearly did the joke yeah it's just because i've had to pay for the most expensive car park twice but i chose i chose not to but oh fuck me that was intense not gonna be listed as my proudest moment, that one. What a fucking bellend.

A couple of would-you-rathers, Adam. Oh, yes. You fancy them? You like them, don't you? I love them. I think it reminds me of when we first started doing it, which is just such a long time ago now. Oh, Adam.

Yesterday's were good. I really enjoyed coming up with them. I asked Jade them. By the way, let's just give a long time ago now. Yesterdays were good. I really enjoyed coming up with them. I asked Jade them. By the way, let's just give a shout out to Jade here for being an absolute fucking knobhead. She gets fucking hammered on this podcast. Because she's a pain in the fucking pubes. She won't stick to the rules of these would-you-rathers.

She tries to get me on a technicality. So yesterday, she went to her mum's and she come back and we were just in the living room. I was sat on the lazy boy recliner chair we've got and she was sat on the floor between me legs because she wanted me to stroke her hair. It was just a nice little moment during the

shutdown. Just a nice little intimate boyfriend, girlfriend, giving her a bit of a massage. And I was like, how I come up with all the would you rathers on the podcast today do you want to play them she's like yeah i'd love to go for it so i was like uh would you rather have uh constantly itchy bum hole or constantly feel like there's shampoo in your eyes and she went i'd constantly feel like the shampoo in my eyes because, uh, yeah, I think that one.

And I went, yeah. And then I used what you said. I went, but then if you're crossing the road, you're trying to get somewhere, you're not going to be able to see properly. She went,

no, but like, I just stay in the house for a week. And then I reckon after a while you'd get used to it. And I was like, no, you don't get used to it. It always feels exactly how it does now. She's like,

no, you didn't say that. So I'm, I'm just sticking with the original question you asked. And that's i'm doing i was like no you can ask me to clarify she should be a lawyer i mean what she should be a lawyer that's exactly the kind of fucking pedantic shit a lawyer would do well actually the original question you asked was not that question so now you're changing the question so is it a separate question adam is it a different question because the first question i've answered and i was right next question oh is it a new one or is it the old

one rehash so you win disgusting like it's were you here yesterday because i'm pretty sure that's fucking verbatim i think i know jane so much better ruined the next hour i was like are you just play the fucking game i am playing the game you asked the question and i answered it i'm refusing for you to add a caveat if you're going to add a caveat to that one you need to add a caveat to the bum hole one okay so what if the shampoo one is oh it always feels like that then you've got to make the bum hole one worse as well

I was like no no when I asked you the question it was always that it will sting forever you just didn't ask me to clarify that well I can't ask you to clarify everything I've just got to go off you said oh god I haven't spent any time with jade in four months not at all and i feel like i know her so much fucking better just through this podcast um and it's not all good would you if you have babas with jade would you go in the, in the,

I mean, would you have a choice? There's the other question, but would you go in? Yeah. I'd deliver if I have to. Like if, if we were stuck in traffic or something

and it went down in the car, I could do that. Yeah. Fuck it. Blood and that doesn't bother me. I just, she needs a C-section. I've got a Stanley blade in the car.

Keep it there in case it ever kicks off. Oh, you do a C-section. I've got a Stanley blade in the car. Keep it there in case it ever kicks off. Oh, you do a C? Open up her stomach with a Stanley blade. Rip the baby out. There's masking tape there as well. There's a back up. We won't even need to go to the hospital. Straight back home.

Get me tea on, love. Richard Peel. Richard, you have, you've been on one and I like it. Would you rather have a 10 inch cock, but you always come after 20 seconds or a three inch cock, but be able to come whenever you want? Now, I'm just going to say before Adam answers,

that is a very, very well done set of parameters because you see 10-inch, you're like, oh, 10-inch. I mean, that's pretty. But three is so small. You're like, oh, that's difficult. But then 20 seconds is a nightmare. But then three inches is... So, where are you?

I'd go three inches because, you know, if you can keep Laura happy with that, then I can find an equally beautiful woman. I'm sure Jade would leave me, but I could find someone like Laura. Char! Upset me, nasty bitch! I've been very open about my penis size,

and it's not gargantuan don't call me a three don't call an orange a red it's red are you orange i don't know but i that reminds me of that dave dave longley bit he always had that but he's like yeah i've got an eight inch dick nine if i really jam the ruler in i did that that line for a bit, not knowing that he did it. Yeah. Yeah. Three. Five and a half or six if I dig the ruler in.

Oh, shut up with your fucking... And that's been reduced. Yeah, that was the joke. Yeah. You can't be a comedian who's on stage going, I've got a seven and a half inch dick because that's not funny, is it? Yeah. Five and a half tiny is funny. I don't like a comedian who's on stage going, I've got a seven and a half inch dick because that's not funny, is it? Five and a half tiny is funny. I don't like where this is going.

I feel this feels very nasty. Is this your proudest moment? Hurting me in the dick? This is my moment. This is my proudest moment with you. Where did that come from where the fuck did that come from Jilly Bean in Texas

he's like what the fuck was that Marthima Kutcher this is my moment right it wasn't Marthima Kutcher it was Celine Dion what it was Celine Dion what it was Celine Dion who did that song

you're a fucking rat you're a dick liar I'd love a 10 inch cock wouldn't you wouldn't you love a 10 inch cock just to you know if they make VR porn and it's properly immersive,

I wonder the settings they're going to have. They're going to be like, right, on the program, obviously it's a completely immersive VR porn, but there is a limit with the programming. We could only do 10 dick-sized settings. So just through experience with the company's been been open a few years, thanks for choosing us by the way which sizes are going to be

no one is going to pick any smaller than 6 I just, what I've got is that what you've got? Yeah, no it is what I've got, they're going to be like 6 inch or you can go 8 inch or you can go 10, some guys can be like I want a middle long dick.

Like, yeah, it's going to be weird in the VR porn. I want it. Give me a middle long dick. Give me the path. And like, there's a weird psychology of like,

even though a girl probably be like, I don't know what you think I'm doing with that. I'm literally, that's not going to happen. How you think that's going to happen? I'll fucking, I'll, I'll,

I'll wrestle it like fucking steve irwin on an alligator but i'm not putting that shit inside me even though that would happen so much girls are like are you kidding i kill him i don't want to die here this evening it's still a bit of me who like i'd like that though i'd like a girl to be like fucking hell no way love it there's no woman ever said that to you I find that hard to believe fucking hell no way mate what do you want me to do with that no they're usually like oh fair play

easy nights work and if the prostitutes in Birmingham are like oh my god is he dead did he die tonight he's no 10 inch but come every 20 seconds I'm going 3 mate coming after 20 seconds

I mean I'm going 3 and finding myself a nice little tight white bitch oh my god oh my actual lord I tell you what 20 seconds if you're a complete

it's frightening what you're some of the shit you're prozzy pussy some of those 10 inch it's gonna feel good but every girl's gonna be like is it what are you doing you're like sorry love that's me so i mean it was just starting to not hurt. The three inch cock, although it'd be sort of embarrassing, that's a hell of a trick at a party, innit? That's almost like... Have you seen what Adam Rowe does when he gets shit

vented? Adam, do it! Do your thing! Look at his little dick! Whoa, it's gone! And again! Sing the American National Anthem, and right at the end, Adam will come three times and it's like fireworks. I'm going three inches and I can come whenever I want.

And the home of the... That'd be an amazing superpower if you could just make someone jizz. If that was your power. If you just had the power to make a bloke jizz like if you were getting attacked by eight eight guys sounded like a gay fantasy have you worked the shaft why are you switching your nipples oh um would you rather oh god richard peel i sort of missed the first one i'm gonna say anyway would you rather jay would you rather your jids this is who listens to our podcast these are our patrons would you rather your jizz was so smelly it made you and your partner want to puke,

or your jizz was the blue dye they use to prevent money getting robbed. I'll tell you what, if you started dating a girl and she was into, like, facials, oh, the next day when she had lunch with the parents all right darling you look like fucking i'm in a i'm in a play actually we did a rehearsal last night we're doing a brave heart and we're doing a performance of brave heart i think you've still got to go with the blue though as awful as that would be you can't be having stinky spunk, can you? Oh, rollover, you're in the blue patch. No, you can't.

I mean, my wife treats my jizz like it does smell that bad anyway. She's like, do not put that anywhere but in there. Lovely. What a lovely... I think that's a lovely point to draw a line under that section i don't richard peel thank you sir any other suggestions would you rather's uh proudest moments have a word pod at gmail.com we prefer it on the email hangover rituals from your thunder. Just anything. Any questions? gmail.com And also,

if you ever want to start your own podcast, you should contact Lightwork Studios. Do you love podcasts? Have you always wanted to do your own, but you don't know how?

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all you have to focus on is talking. We can have the recording edited and sent to you the very same day. Find us at lightweightpodcast.com so we can help record your next podcast. Send in your questions and suggestions to haveawadpod at gmail.com. Let's crack on with this nonsense. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems you have with your friends. This is going to be the whole podcast. Now it's just the time of 10%.

Has anyone got the blue facial still in the red? I feel... Oh, this is a new dress. Now it's just a time of 10%. Has anyone got the blue facial still in the red? I feel... Oh, this is a new dress. You all right, Adam? Oh, it's a big yawn. Someone's not had his 14 coffees. I'm tired, man. I need a nap.

Oh, God. I need a VAT party. who do you think you are getting the hygiene right um you okay yeah what's up i'm just i'm just a bit frazzled a bit tired i think you've been i think this has been really fun. I was the medicinal... I feel like I've run out of steam. Right, okay. You just get this out. I'll do the legwork.

I've got your fam. It's a heavy one, though. It's a heavy one. Fine. We've had mirth. Let's do life. What a dude. Oh, blue jeans.

So, first of all all I'll tell you names have been changed in this story to protect the guilty about five months ago my mum was asked to take a family friend's daughter in called Jordan but not called Jordan

who was just getting out of an abusive relationship with a violent boyfriend my parents often help people who've fallen on hard times, so we're happy to help as long as she was open and honest with me mum. She wasn't. It turned out that as well as her ex, she, Jordan, had drug trafficking charges,

which when was found out, she claimed had slipped their mind. My mum wasn't happy, but she was happy to forget about it as long as she was honest going forward. Mate, this mum is sound. Jordan's behaviour was very erratic, as if she was on drugs. She'd talk at you rather than to you. She barely had any appetite and had trouble sleeping as well.

She was also rude, did no housework, and pretty much treated our home like a hotel. My parents were, possibly naively, willing to consider that these were possibly symptoms of mental illness rather than drug abuse. One night she said she was going for a walk, but then accidentally sent my mum two texts that were clearly meant for her ex.

The second one being that there was a police car on Swan Street, which is about 20 minutes from where we live. Despite her blaming a glitch on the phone company's satellite, it was... Fuck off, you lid. It was obvious she was not only still speaking to her ex,

but probably still doing slash trafficking drugs as well. We then had a vote in the house and decided that Jordan should leave as she wasn't using our help properly. When she left, we went through her trash and found that she'd been throwing out some of the family's property, including some really personal stuff that was irreplaceable. Lesson learned.

If you're going to help an addict, make sure they actually want you to help them. Please have a word with Jordan. Love you guys from Anna. P.S. Adam, has your banjo string actually grown back or is your knob forever damaged? Oh.

Forever damaged. Over to you, Dan. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is it forever damaged? I don't really know. I don't look at it that often. Have you got a kink? Do you lean one way or the other? It's sort of like a roller coaster. It's got like a few bends in it. Right.

That's the length in it. I've got a water slide of a dick. Yeah. I, because I masturbate with my right hand. So many twists and turns. There's no way you won't get wet.

I've got a fucking log flume lid I because I always use my right I'm a right I'm a right handed bowler pace I

my dick just left to it's own devices just got like it's almost like I've bashed it to the left a bit you know when there's like

trees that have been blown over in a tropical they've just been blown off the coast and it's just like I've bashed it to the left a bit. You know when there's trees that have been blown over in a tropical, they've just been blown off the coast, and it's just leaning one way. That's the way my dick goes. Do you not ever give yourself an away game? Oh, tried it. But I tell you what, the guy's not much fit.

Old righty. He's been in the first team since he was 13. This cunt's on the bench. He fucking can't even, literally, his finishing is terrible. I tell you, when you realise, the difference,

when I realise the difference, I dislocated my shoulder a few years ago on my right side. So I had just no right arm for a while. And yeah, I had to have

plenty of away games there. Mate, that's why you need a fucking partner, innit? That's, like, a tickle in his arm. Do you have to watch me? Oh, God.

Do you have to help me shower and stuff? Because my shoulder popped out because I was trying to stop some big cunt hitting my brother. It was Boxing Day. We'd been drinking all day. He got hammered. And I'm talking to my barber or someone from school or something. A bit hazy. And I turned

around because I heard, oh, the fuck in your fucking fucking fuck. I turned around and I was like, who's fighting? My little brother and this big fella. And I just got in the middle of them and went, lads, it's Christmas. I don't know what's going on, but fucking pack it in. Shoved me brother away and tapped this

lad on the chest. And when I did it, he got both his hands together and shoved me in the shoulder, which just sends you off balance. You just fall. And I woke up about two or three hours later, I think, just sat on a bench in absolute agony, screaming with pain. Went to me dad's because earlier that day, me and J Jade had murder. So I was like, I don't want to go back home in this state. I can't move my arm. My pants were around my ankles because

I'd gone to go for a piss in the park. And then couldn't get my pants back on properly because my right arm wasn't working. So I went to my dad's. Stayed on the couch. And I kept waking up and having to be like kept having to,

I kept waking up and having to be like to my dad, can you come and move my arm for me? Cause I can't move it. And in the end he was like, we need to go to the hospital lads. And we were there for hours and yeah,

it turned out I had dislocated it. And then Jade turned up at the hospital. What it did do is we never discussed that absolute murderous argument we had. It was just, let's just forget about it.

Yeah. It gets trumped, doesn't it? It gets trumped. Anyway, let's talk about this smackhead. Yeah. There's a smackhead in the house. What are you going to do? There's a smackhead in the house.

What are you going to do? Have you got anyone in your life who's ever struggled with addiction? Me? Me? Genuinely, I've struggled with addiction but in the most just non-fucking edinburgh show worthy way i like taking some drugs and i've when i was 21 i started and i did them a bit more regularly right up until i I was about 27. And then from 27, 28 till now has been a gradual me growing out of it and working and not being that guy.

It's been a very slow process. But at no point was it ever dramatic enough to be like, oh my God, Dan's a drug addict. He's just had to quit everything. And he's done this brilliant Edinburgh show where he weeps several times. And then he actually filmed his intervention. And I've just had to be like, yeah, I'm a bellend. I can't have cocaine dealers numbers in my phone.

That's the little bit of control I've had to affect. I can't have that number in my phone. There's a difference between being an addict and really liking something. Yeah. Were you ever getting up and having a fucking line of coke to start your day? Yeah. I've been, I've been in a few slightly,

I've been in a few slightly oh shit I've been in a few slightly darker spots erm once I'd coke from a night before this is this is actually one of the last

times I did something that sort of like freaked me out because my life was changing I'd already met Laura and me and my mate Sean had been out in Leeds

the night before me and Laura had been had been out in Leeds the night before me and Laura had been together for about eight months nine months nearly a year and I just had this coke

we'd had a bit and we'd had a really good chat been to a couple of pubs and we'd gone back Laura had been away she came back on a Sunday afternoon Sean buggered off and I knew I'd about

half a gram of coke and I was a bit hazy I was like I think make this Sunday afternoon way more fun wouldn't it so she was watching a film and making a bit hazy, I was like, make this Sunday afternoon way more fun, wasn't it? So she was watching a film and making a bit of food, and I just kept finding an excuse to go to the bedroom and have a little line of coke,

and then just come back and sit there and go, hey, what do you want to talk about, love? Do you want to talk about something? And I went through the whole evening, polished it all off in about three and a half hours, just like trying to do she couldn't tell and then i started coming down and then i'll let you just like all right i've gotta tell you something i've been doing coke on the sly all afternoon she was like okay that's a bit weird and i'm like yeah i'm a bit smack at it sometimes she was like right it's that it's that level of like what you're? Little secret smack head tendencies.

But I've never let them get control to the point where it's fucked me up that bad. So I... Laura doesn't do drugs, does she? She never has. I don't know what she'd like to have said on a podcast, but she's not a choir girl completely. Let me put it that way okay but look but you you're not far from bang on but so yeah i there'll be people listening who've got gen who've dealt with real addiction problems going mate you are a fucking under 12 year old

footballer i am not i've i've 14 caps for the national team that is low level but i have you've got to keep a cap on that because you can see the stages going up and also when you're going out and partying and getting wrecked your your little level intermingles with other levels so i went to parties like when i said with those like where you started partying with dudes from the gay scene in manchester and you'd end up at some parties going this is smacky i remember being on a balcony at a flat at a party after party it was like sunday morning at eight in the morning and it'd been quite a good party but there was a few slightly ropey characters everyone dead friendly on the balcony just looking out onto the you know the motorway that goes from liverpool to manchester the m602 is it it was like those

flats looking out onto that was a lovely view. And a guy sat next to me, seemed perfectly friendly. And then he went, the kind of cough now that make you go, that guy's got the roaner run like fuck. I went, ooh, that's a bad cough you got, fella. Are you all right? He was like, oh, yeah, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've just had some quite strong, I've just smoked some quite strong crack. And I went okay cool lovely to meet you and in my head I was like taxi time and fucked off so I've dealt with some little personal issues and just kept a lid on it been a bit fucking daft in places but I've also I've seen

I've got close to like what it looks like to be in that dangerous territory and that party a few years after my mate, who's the mate of the people there, she was like, oh yeah, so-and-so's died. He's like 26 when he died. I'm like, was that a crack on the balcony guy? I think it probably was. So no, I, not by these standards, not like heroines on the sly,

a bit of meth on the sly, a bit of meth on the sly, but I've, I've, I've in the, the whole league table of it. I've been to like division one league. I've not got to championship premier league standard of addiction, but it's still a thing.

It is right. What, what she says here, like if you are going to help another, they do have to really want to change and want your help. I won't say, I've mentioned before that my mum was a proper alcoholic, like full bottle of vodka a day,

which is more commitment than addiction, isn't it? That's difficult to plough on through. Very, very dangerous. She drank for a reason. She had some trauma earlier in her life, which is such a clear that happened and that's why she drinks sort of thing

which I won't mention out of respect to her but for a while we just like especially after my dad left after they split up we just accepted that my mum had a few drinks and the time I

got her to change was I was having two of my friends over to have a game of poker, right? And I went up the stairs and as in the house we lived in, which was a council house on Kemsley Road in Dovecote in Liverpool. How old were you at this point? Oh, I don't know. 13, 14 sort of time? Maybe.

Yeah. Yeah, I must have been around that age. As you got to the top of our stairs, if you went straight ahead, you were in my bedroom. If you went to the left, you were in my mum's bedroom. And if you went to the right,

you were in my little brother's. Right? But all of our doors were always open. We never were the type of family who had like, I'm in my bedroom, I'm shutting the door, you were in me little brothers. Right? But all of our doors were always open. We never were the type of family who had like, I'm in my bedroom, I'm shutting the door. It was just never like that. So I went into my bedroom,

picked up a case of poker chips, and I had like a table topper that me and my mates used to play poker on. I picked both of them up, and I walked past, and I was moving quite quick, and I just glanced to the side of me mum's room as I was on the way down, and I knew she'd been drinking

so I was like just fucking leave her in her room but I got about four steps down the stairs and I was like was my mum on the floor so I went back up and she'd fell over in her drunken stupor but she was in the process

because despite being an alcoholic and spending a lot of money on it and being slightly fucked and that, she's very house-proud, my mum. So she never let, certainly for a long time, never let her responsibilities go in favour of her alcohol. She was quite good at still making sure me and my little brother had everything we needed before she got drunk. Certainly for a long time.

It didn't stay that way forever, but for a long time it did. She was in the process of getting her bedroom floor done. So she'd ripped the carpet up and there was just bare floorboards because the new carpet hadn't come yet. That was coming in like a week or so. And she'd fell over

and she'd landed a head on the nib of a nail sticking out like not the sharp bit but the head that you'd hammer down and it had cut her head a bit

it hadn't bruised her skull, it hadn't gone through but she was bleeding from her face and she fell and was so drunk that she couldn't get herself back up so I go to my mum's fuck dear from her face and she fell and was so drunk that she couldn't get herself back up. So I go to my mum's so I called an ambulance, we got her to the hospital and this is how drunk she was this is how an addict's brain works, right?

It was so busy in the hospital, Whiston Hospital just outside of Liverpool that she didn't get given a room right? So she was put on a bed in the corridor of the hospital and she my mom always had this big black handbag and it's where she would hide you never went with naming mom's handbag that was the one thing you weren't allowed to go near oh because that's where she would hide her stuff yeah she'd

have her bottles of so she had like three empty half bottles like three 37.5 centiliter bottles of vodka empty in her bag. And because she's in the hospital and she knows they're going to ask her questions and she's got an addict's brain, she just took the bottle out of her bag and slid it down the side of her bed, thinking

I'm in a bed, I'm against the wall. If I slide this bottle of vodka down the side, no one will ever find it and it just smashed all over the floor and I was like, I went to her what are you doing? And she looked at me and went

shhh don't tell anyone, I've just smashed a bottle of vodka all over the floor then we went into, she'd sobered up a few hours. We were there like all night and I mean all night because she was seen as a low priority.

She was very, very drunk, but she hadn't done any bone damage or anything. So it was, we just need to talk to her about maybe getting some help. Also the alcohol fins your blood as well, don't it?

You bleed more when you're pissed. Yeah, yeah. When I found her, you'd have thought she'd been shot in the head. Like, it was horrendous. It was fucking ridiculous. And then, she'd sobered up hours later,

and I'm sat with my mum. And I remember this so vividly. The doctor that we were speaking to said, do you think you've got a drinking problem? And my mum said, no. And I just grabbed their hand and said, mum, come on. It's time.

And I was 13, 14. And she burst out crying and said, yeah, I have. And the doctor said, how much do you drink? And my mum said, once a week I'll have a bottle of vodka. And I went, went mum come on there's no point doing it if you're not going to do it properly and then she went I have at least half a bottle of vodka a day

and the doctor his eyes were like holy fucking shit you're quite well grounded for someone who's this far in so then she went through an at home rehab thing where so then she went through an at home rehab thing where

the way it works is it takes two weeks I think it might be three but it takes at least two weeks and you get given what are essentially alcohol replacement tablets so if you just stop cold turkey when you're drinking half a bottle of vodka a day

it can be very very bad for you, you can die, your body can go into complete shock, so what he said is you can never have a drink again but you take these, so on like the Monday you would take three in the morning and then three in the evening and then on the Tuesday you would take

three in the morning and two in the evening then on the Wednesday you'd go back up to three in each, and it was just taking you up and down and slowly weaning you off it. Right. And then for, like, the last few days, you just take one, and then you just don't take it again. And then for about, I'll tell you how old I was.

I was 15 when that happened, this story. And the reason I know that was within a year, I was 16, and I did very, very, very well at my GCSE results. And my mum was like, we're going to throw you a party to say congratulations for your GCSE results. You've done amazingly well. And I asked a couple of your best mates who live in the streets to help me do it.

But we don't know who you want to invite. We can't get your phone off here because you never let anyone go near your fucking phone. So we need you to help us plan this party now. So we're putting this party together and she was like,

you're 16, but we'll get a load of booze. And I was like, are you going to be okay though? With there being that much booze in the house? And she was like, I'll be absolutely fine.

And naively, I was like, okay, cool. So we went to do a big shop one night just much booze in the house. And she was like, I'll be absolutely fine. And naively, I was like, okay, cool. So we went to do a big shop one night just for booze. We got a load of bottles of vodka, loads of beers, loads of whatever. There's stuff to make cheeky vimto, like blue wick and port. And I said to my mum, because at 16, I was still quite conscientious and fairly intelligent, like, mum, I know you say you're going to be okay, but I want to keep all of that alcohol in me room. I want to keep it under the bed,

and I'm going to start shutting me door. I just don't want you to have the temptation. It's not... It's like a role reversal, isn't it? It's a role reversal of what, like, usually it's the parent going, you're not having that alcohol anywhere near you, you're 16,

but because you'd seen addiction up close for so long, you're literally like, I know how this goes. Totally. And what I would do was, every day, because we got that alcohol stupidly, like a week or 10 days before the party,

it's too soon, and every day, I would come in, and a few times a day, I was just so obsessed with it, I would just look under the bed and be like, right, it's all still there. And one day, I looked at the, there was two bottles of vodka right next to each other, and

there was a millimetre, if that, in difference in the levels. Oh, yeah. But I knew they were exactly level before. So it just dropped by a millimeter. And at first I was like, why would she do that? It's literally pointless to drink that much alcohol.

Oh, Jesus. I went into her bedroom and I was like, mum, and she was just to hear she was sober she's I can get away with this I'm fine and I was like have you had a drink she went how fucking dare you and I was like have you had a drink

and I was like well why is the top loose on this vodka then who's opened it because I haven't Jack wouldn't dare do that she's like you don't know who could have been could have been anyone and i was like no it definitely could and it could be you're an alcoholic your drink of choice is vodka and the vodka's loose and there's a little bit missed she was like who'd drink that who'd drink a little millimeter of vodka like that and i was

like have you been pouring yourself vodka and then filling it back up with water and she just burst out crying and I was like yeah so the next day I just left her and I was like look we'll talk tomorrow when you have another drink and the next day and she was like look I've had a setback it can happen it'll never happen again don't worry

about it we'll go to the shop today you can get a lock for your bedroom door you can lock lock it. I won't be able to go in. And I was like, okay, great. Let's do all that. Did that. And then the night of the party, she just got absolutely hammered. She got, because the

party was in our house, she got dead, dead drunk. And then that was the spiral. She got slowly worse. Eventually we had to move in with my dad. We were still in regular contact with her. Then she went in to hospital. She was in intensive care for a few months. Then she come out,

the bottom half of one of her legs had died. So she had to have it amputated. She then moved in to a bungalow. She couldn't come out of the hospital and go back to her old house because she'd lost one of her legs essentially. And then nine months after she got that bungalow, we just got told i just got woke

up one morning by my dad and it was your mum's dead and we thought for the whole time because we weren't living with her and we were only seeing her a few hours every other day we'd go around it's a lot easier for her to hide it but she actually never ever ever stopped drinking and it's because she couldn't i'm sure she wanted to I'm sure part of her would have liked to stop, but she just couldn't do it. It's a disease. Anna's right. It's a disease.

To say, you know, you've got to make sure they want your help. I'm sure Jordan from this story really does want to get away from that life. She really does want the help, but it's actually really hard to accept the help. So we will have a word with Jordan. Jordan, if by some miracle you end up listening to this podcast, listen to the story I've just told you about my mom, who was a lovely, otherwise healthy woman who couldn't get past this addiction and it ended up taking her life at 50 years of age. She was dead at 50, despite otherwise being completely healthy. She didn't need to go that soon.

And Jordan, if you're listening, the life that you're living, I only know very, very, very small detail about it. You could end up there and you don't want to end up there. Get away from this fucking dickhead who is dragging you towards this life. Get him some help if you can.

If you go back to him at any point, go back with a clear mind, clear conscience, and clear of drugs and go, look, I've sorted myself out, I can help you. Because I'm sure there's parts of you like, I love him, I need to be with him. Help him. You don't want to end up in an awful life together full of violence, drugs,

and hate, and then end up having your life taken too early. so there's half a word for a day slightly heavy one but i think when it come in i was like i can speak from experience a little bit on this so it's the people it's the people in it i think it's down to her she's getting she's getting offered help but ultimately like in my life there's people i've had to get rid of and be like you are gonna you're literally you can see the the fork in the road of like that's the wrong way and you're going that way and i can't go down there with you this guy sounds like he'd be a big part he'd be a big part of the

first step in the right direction getting rid of this guy because there's better people you can invest your time and i know it's hard when you love someone but fuck me that does not sound healthy well adam well that has been um brutal and fascinating and uh thanks for being that honest about it and uh i don't know i don't mind it i think i think no shtick needs to be added to that i think um it's it's important to talk about stuff like that because we had it last time when i mentioned like health anxiety and mental health stuff on the podcast which we try we we we pride ourselves on being the funniest new podcast available that's what this is. We want people to listen to this and piss themselves laughing as often as

possible. But every now and then we drop something like this in and the amount of messages we get from our listeners go and thank you so much. When we talked about health anxiety, I got well into double, maybe getting close to triple figures of messages and tweets. well into double, maybe getting close to triple figures of messages and tweets.

Like it was 50 plus of, thank you so much for talking about that. That's helped me. The fact that I know someone else has gone through something similar has helped me massively. And if today's thing does that for anyone, if anyone listens to this and goes,

I know someone who should listen to that and should understand that there's other people going through something similar. Every now and then, we'll do something like this. We, we, our priority is being funny, but we also don't want to just

shy away from anything remotely mean and far important. I just want to be honest. This is how we talk as friends. I think this is what people respond to. If we just sat down and went, what's the banter? And just dodged anything that we cared about or was important to us. I don't think it'd be genuine, this podcast.

So, fuck me. Would you rather be a smackhead or a drunk? I'd rather be a smackhead than a drunk. No, drunk. Oh, I'd rather be a smackhead than a drunk. Oh, I'd rather be a smacker rather be a smacker rather be a smacker than a drunk

yes I would alright drunk definitely because then you can be down the pub be like hey where everybody knows your name

and what that probably the whale gym pub oh god the back alley is your cheers yeah I'll be a drunk.

I don't want to be either. But anyway, on that note, see you tomorrow for the lockdown lock-in. Lads, lads, lads, lads. We like a risk. We like to take a risk. So, got a song for you. Hip-hop artist from that dead Dublin.

He's from Dublin, Ireland. Verge is on Spoken Word. This one I really, really enjoyed listening to. His name is Graham Thompson. His Instagram is Instagram MM95. So I-N-S-T-A

G-R-A-H-A M-M-M 95. That's his Instagram. This song is called Cold Nights. I think you'll enjoy it. I think it suits the vibe of this podcast. And we'll see you tomorrow when I will be on a

Bud Lightwave. The truth of it is that the only loyalties these guys have are to money. And that's the cause of absolutely everything. All the divides. All gangland feuding. The root cause of it is money Their biggest error is gross And that market is estimated to be worth about A hundred million, it's a crass figure

But it's in and around that And that's what these guys are for The old one screaming down the stairs at him to leave and fucking out The smell of gringo in that gaff is hard to breathe when he's about And Paul is seen as in a drought so he's stocking up but he can't He can't believe he grabbed an ounce, now they're knocking up for a gram He's trying to make an earner from shotting stuff from the dam Enough to make himself a living but not enough for the fam He sees a plan, he's ready to step up and be the man He needs a hand, he's swimming with the sharks, it's hard to see the land

He nearly lost it all and had to start where he began he said he had to take the risk so he could partially expand im thinking damn who just wanna spark a tree and jam this contest tryna be a gangster he got smart with me and ran intimidation tactics may remark he's in a gang but im not into making matches break our sparks so we can hang mean it nothings getting bombed when you're around your gob's shy Unless of course it's human, you're the image of a rock boy I ride you like it's prom night, we slow it, you look cloned out And act like Harry Potter if that's it, that plays me one right

She let me slither in, said she was an easy book considering The fight she let me hit and start to shivering And if you like this heat that I'm delivering I'm coming for me dividends And if you think I'm not your only ignorant Then no for all the joking, man, I'm really trying to dominate From Ray to Donabate, they go to Spotify to congregate I'm trying to make them understand, but still they wanna hate

And if you think I'm going anywhere, well, pal, you're gonna wait And honest, mate, you can take your shot, it's only potluck And actin' like you're solid, tellin' people they be chopped up You rocked up, softer than a pillow and a quilt And you a war of a talkin' Chipper rich, that shit'll get you killed And I'm like, yup, yup Ask me if I give a fuck

Hit me life, I'm only tryin' to make a buck And live it up I've driven trucks and bandwagons Man's braggin', where's the clutch? I slap the brakes and let them end I wear the rear review metal looks, yeah