Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #54 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 9, 2020

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What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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That supports the podcast. It helps us out. It's win-win. So do us a favour. Pause the pod here. Go and do that now, and then enjoy the episode Nice one

See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Now I'm getting the word Nause Cha Upset me

Nause bitch Catch me outside How about that I'm big bonded I'm heavy structured I'm hung low If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting!

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. With video on YouTube, on social media, at Have A Word Pod, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. Have a word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together. And so we've come to the end of the road. End of the road. Oh, I was doing the other guy. The last shutdown daily,

and I've been drinking rum since half past twelve. Good lad. Good lad. I, if you caught me this morning, woke up felt hungover yesterday and that carried over and i woke up and i was like i feel so much better i'm not gonna drink today and then by 10 a.m it was sweltering and i was like oh no it's needed it's absolutely needed not only do i have a like i almost feel like i need to because of the pod, like I have to because we've told everyone.

It's the weirdest. Because everyone's been so loyal to us, I feel like I can't let people down and be like, yeah, I know it's meant to be the lockdown locking, guys, and we've done fucking seven weeks of six pods a week and now we're going to change the schedule, but I'm just not in the mood to drink. I really feel like that would

be a betrayal of have a word listeners. I'd never do another episode with you again. And I bid you a good day sir. Do you know what's really sad? Today and it's glorious in Liverpool the sun is fucking

tracking the flags. Today would have been the day that Liverpool lifted the Premier League trophy alright the best thing is is to put that in a box and just push it under your bed and then burn the bed and set fire to the house because

listen we don't really do football on here and Liverpool is a huge part of Adam's life I am a fucking part part-time watford fan it's drifting for me but we've purposefully not talked about it and i in the past i have i have ripped a little bit but it's been a long seven weeks it's been a long shutdown and i'm going into next week feeling so fucking good i feel like it's the best move for the pod i feel i said i messaged adam before i feel like it's the

end of like an edinburgh festival run where you're like you feel it's like the end of exams or something like i've actually worked we've done it and it's gonna be better we are gonna be better for this going forward the pod will be better for it i think it's eight weeks it's going to be better we are going to be better for this going forward, the pod will be better for it I think it's 8 weeks it's either 7 or 8 weeks we've done with a daily episode which is a lot longer than either of us

expected to be without Glegan never mind having a podcast to do it I don't know what I thought the shutdown would be in my head I was like April and May are in the bin but we'll be back by June maybe July and now I'm like oh no this is different

but I think I was telling myself that like a lot of comics have, like a lot of people have done because they want it to be true because the alternatives are like well what the fuck else am I going to do and this has become, because of the support of everyone that listens, the people that have signed up for the Patreon the help we've got from listeners sorting sponsors out the content that people have sent in the fucking emails of people just going lads i haven't got anything to

tell you i just want to say thank you it's been one of the most amazing things i've been involved in in in the whole of my 18 years of being a stand-up just to be part of something like phenoms yeah man and so it was an easy an easy decision to make i i i think you can hear a strain i could play about three episodes of this last seven weeks where we were under a strain now me and adam have never snapped to each other we. It's not really in our character or anything, but you can feel a fucking strain. You're like, wow-wee. Like, it's a pressure because it's so intense, and I'm

just, I feel today, you're like, oh, drawing a line under there. Gonna be fun, gonna be fun. I fucking love it. It's gonna be so much better for it. I'm already looking forward to Monday, Wednesday, and Friday next week. I'm like, we're going to do those three episodes. And I tell you what, mate, because of that question I

asked you the other day, like if it was at a wedding and I went to the bar and I was getting you three bevvies, a BS or one, a short and a short. And I remembered how much I like Sailor Jerry's and all we have been like, I want a Sailor Jerry's and Coke and I've got to be covered. I've got sailor jerry's left because i've drank it all but um

i've got this bacardi eight year rum eight year old bacardi rare gold spiced rum and i'm on a fucking wave here mate i'm having a fantastic time i've also got me beer as well because you know i'm a response can i just say on Thursday I tried Bud Light because I saw it, thought of you. I tell you this, and this is me being a bit of a lightweight, I've got very used to the old 5% Corona, but is it 4.6?

Slightly stronger, isn't it? Yeah, it's 5. That, with Smirnoff Ice, it's the... it's my Turbo Shandy preference. So, can I just, before we go any further, because that's just reminding me, my best mate Matt has just found out he's being promoted to be a commander

in the Navy. Now, I don't know exactly what that is, but it sounds fucking cool. And we used to go out and Does that mean that he now gets to tell people when they're getting bummed? Yeah. He, honestly, he actually writes up the bumming schedule now.

He gets the bum pen, and it's a Sharpie, brown, obviously, and he writes out the list of who gets bummed and when, and that's exciting. But I know how fucking hard he's worked since we were, what did he, maybe he went in the Navy at 23. No, this is my mate, Matt,

who's a, he's a 10 pound patron, which he didn't have to do, but he's just, he's just like my best mate. And he's like, yeah, of course I'll do that. It's my,

you know, and he told me yesterday, I'm so fucking chuffed for him. And then didn't get a chance to ring him. So I rang him today going, all right, come on, giving him shit.

Can I just pause for one sec? Because I want to hear this story and I want to concentrate on it. I just want to highlight the difference between your friend and mine. So your friend is like, sign up to the £10 Patreon. Of course I would.

You're out of work. You're struggling. I'll absolutely sign up to that. Last week when we announced that from now on one of the episodes is exclusively on Patreon, I got a text from my best mate, Carl, which said, what's this fucking Patreon shite? I'm signing up for not and you better send me the file and because like if i not met carl and if i didn't really like carl i'd be like whoa what a

little prick and i'm like i can see carl saying that i'm like yeah fair shout um yeah but my boy's got a four gungun camano money leak. I don't even know if there must be a pay rise. It sounds good, doesn't it? Anyway, rang him today just to be like, man, I'm so chuffed for you. There's been times in the last 10 years where the job I've done of driving around

and making people laugh has looked so ridiculous to the fucking time and energy he's had to put into it. It's like mentally back-breaking shit and we were talking for about a minute and he was like never mind that mate how mental is it with the podcast that you've got people all around the country all around the world drinking turbo shandy i thought about this last night, you know, because last night I was literally, I was scrolling through, me and Jade had a bit of a barney last night,

just a little spot that we've since resolved. But I was just like, fuck off. I want some space. Leave me on my fucking own. And I went on the couch. I played FIFA for the bit, but then FIFA was pissing me off. So I turned that off as well.

And I was like, right, I'm just going to do some work. So I sent you, I started rendering the video and started sending you these pods, but then my laptop just does that on its own. I can't use my laptop while it's doing it because it'll slow it down. So I was just doing that mindless scrolling shit. And I was on my Twitter, and

then I was on the podcast's Twitter. And every third interaction we get at the minute is, Oi, oi, I've got some scooch. I've got some beer. I'm having a Turbo Shandy. Turbo Shandys were dead. They were gone.

No one was drinking them. And there's now people around the world. And you can guarantee as well, there's people not listening to this podcast who've either seen one of those tweets or one of their friends listens to the podcast and be like, you know what I've got back into lately turbo shandy i'm telling you what i'm gonna go on the stock market later and if turbo shandy's stock is high someone who i think is late to the pod or is either someone that just follows us because of stand-up got involved in one because

we this has been several like every week there's been several people showing pictures like i can't remember the fucking maverick is that got pink hooch and when i'm trying it i was like oh my god it's like evolution in action gonna be weird that though like i i looked at that and i was like oh my god this guy's a genius but then i imagined having like raspberry in a turbo shanky who dares rodney he who dares i honestly someone had posted a picture and then either one of their mates or somebody follows us non-podcast has gone i don't give a shit what this is meant to be and i think he even tagged in the podcast like putting fucking alcohol pops in a beer is just plain

nonce and it got no likes because everyone that listens to the podcast is like no shut up I've not even tried it it's great I put that question I asked you the wedding one like what am I getting you from the bar I put that on Twitter and it got

hundreds literally of replies of people going I'll have a pint of meretti with a JD and cocaine in this. And one guy replied and said, and I swear to God, if I ever see him, I might punch him. I might just hit him right square in the nose. And I'm going to say it in the voice that I read it in. Well, I would have a pint of beer at a local, well-respected brewery. And I would have the oldest

single malt whiskey from the bar and shots off of children and yanks. I'm going to knock this cunt out. Apparently he's a horse racing expert and he's a fucking bellend. I'm sorry.

Play the game or fucking don't. Shots off what? American or what? What does he mean? Trying to't shots off what shots off what American or what what does he mean trying to be funny shots off the kids or Americans oh great a well respected

British man would never have a sambuca he's a prick I don't mind I don't mind that like you're being anti

Sean McLaughlin's got a great bit about the NFL I'm a massive NFL he's like one of the worst things that's ever happened to this bit about the NFL I'm a massive NFL He's like One of the worst things That's ever happened to this country Is the NFL Being played

On British soil And if you went to any one of those games You're essentially A traitor to the crown And it's a great I love that band That's a great Fucking hilarious

That shots That shots are for children and Americans You're like That's not funny And you're wrong It wasn't being funny He was being candid. When someone

posts a game like that on the internet, either play the game or don't say anything. One of our regular listeners is called Jessica Yarwood. She comments on a lot of the stuff on Instagram, right? And she put, I'm normally working weddings because I'm a photographer. Shut up, Jess!

You're not working this wedding. I'm getting you a drink. Shut up! It's a hypothetical, Jess. You've just got to sort of roll with it. It's akin to the would you rather. Well, it doesn't matter. You can't fly or sprint as fast as you seem, Bob.

Well, I'm actually quite fast. I could never run that fast. Fucking libtards talking about things that won't happen you're like oh my lord do you work for disney because your imagination it flies um yeah he was bowled over by the fact that someone in texas is literally posting pictures of turbo shandy and and just just to set that against the fact that he's had a massive promotion it's huge for him he's getting emails from people, all his friends in the Navy

and he honestly wanted to talk about it for about two minutes and then go, fuck me I'm so proud the podcast is doing great work specifically spreading Turbo Shandy joy around the world, because he was at uni with me when the hooch was on tap I remember the fucking bar in the student union and that's where it started

that's where it all began I haven't had another alcoholic drink, nearly all fucking shut down, can't think of another boozy drink just keep going you said you had some but you didn't really offer an opinion I don't know if it's just not got enough of a kick that sounds so alcoholic no I know what you mean.

Like, I still prefer Peroni, but if you have two Peronis, you're on your way. I can have 11 Bud Lights and Drive, so... LAUGHTER I'm all about the combination of, like, the feeling and the tech, like... You know, like if you know, like,

cause obviously a glass of Ribena with ice tastes lovely. It's not all about the taste. I do want to be pissed as well. And like, we've talked about like Carlsberg, Specky brew and fucking drink just down in vodka. That will get you pissed. There is a beautiful midpoint. Isn't there where you're like that tastes good and gets me the level of

hammered that I want to be like, yeah. Can I just say david rowe we got a lot of response from me talking about addiction but then adam talking about his mum and and when she died and how she died and i'm sure you've got some emails episode which was what number was yesterday 53 or or 52. Something like that. 1,798. Yeah, I think it's about that. Friday's episode, essentially. David Rowe sent us an email this morning and just was like, guys, I know it sounds weird, but I feel actually quite proud of you

because I've listened to so much of this podcast and everything that Adam's talking about addiction and Adam talking about his mum. And I started the day nearly welling up in my bed. So I just wasn't expecting it. I just expect like, I don't know what you're expecting the morning. Like something happened in the NFL.

I wonder if there's any money in my bank account. And then some guy I've never met going, guys, I feel really proud of you. I'm like, I was like. We had a few, well, we've had quite a few, to be honest, tweets, messages, emails about yesterday's episode. And I imagine there's still people catching up.

He'll do the same. And I said to you off the recording yesterday, I think we're going to get a bit of a response from that because it's a bit of a gear change from our usual stuff. And it was... I didn't know you were going to tell the story, mate. I didn't know you were going to tell... I thought you were just like...

I thought we were loosely just talking about addiction and whatnot and afterwards i was thinking about like actually i do have instances of people in my life and addiction and stuff but in that moment i was like yeah that the unspoken thing is like that that sort of like addiction that you deal with that you know could be dangerous but you try and get on top of. I really didn't know you were willing to talk about your mum as candidly as you did. I think it was pretty amazing. When I read a few of the emails and

messages we've had, and I'm sorry if you haven't listened to yesterday's episode yet and you've skipped straight to the drinking one and whatever, I would advise you to go back and listen to yesterday's episode because I think it was one of our best ones. But yeah, I've read a few of those emails and people saying oh i can't believe you weren't sort of choking up and uh that you got through it so easily it's quite weird i have sort of like a disassociative state with stories like that now it's almost like i'm retelling a story

that happened to someone else and this sounds so fucking wanky but i feel like i'm not the person that happened to do you know what i mean yeah i absolutely do i feel like i'm telling my best mate's story about his mum who was a drunk and what she went through i it's coping it's coping sometimes i i i have days where i'm consciously thinking of my mom a lot and i'll always tell jade about that i think about my mom quite a lot today and that's when i get quite emotional about it but telling the stories i don't really see it as a an upsetting thing i see it as something that happened and air life's come to an end now so yeah but it's not that's trauma isn't it's trauma. That's how you deal with your fucking child who's dealt with trauma,

and you've gone on to be one of the fucking best acts in comedy in the UK. You only get to that point if you've got a coping mechanism for trauma. Like, I know exactly what you mean. If I think of my mum and the relationship I'd have now, she would be 67. Well, when did we lose her?

Fucking 22 years ago. So she died when she was 45. And she died when I was a child. And I've never known her as an adult. So I was talking to my sister about this because I actually mentioned the podcast yesterday to my sister. She is very very supportive but she's a bit she gets a bit like oh swearing oh no oh god like she's a bit of a

she's totally sound but she can be a little bit of like oh oh that word katie katie nightingale just if you listen now i want to say and if you got it on while you're hoovering and my niece and nephew in there that's got me in trouble and she was like she was talking about the she was because we had a friend at college whose mum drank herself to death weirdly she uh she died when uh claire was 16 and uh she was like yeah the difference is and the reason it's not an easy difference is because like something like cancer is just it's something you get and you it is yeah it happens doesn't it and alcoholism is a whole layer of other sort of emotion and fucking feeling and

everything but i could tell the story now of mum's illness and be like, yep, that happened. Yep, that was, yep, objectively speaking, fucking awful. I wouldn't get caught up about it. But if I start thinking about, oh, I've got a dad, I'm a dad now and I've got a daughter, and what would that be like watching my 67-year-old mum interact with her granddaughter? And then I go, and i can't think about that for very long that weirdly gets me because it's what happened is trauma that's that imagining is

to me very sad that and that's i try not to dwell on that there's literally not a lot of point in doing that because you get into that headspace of like oh how unfair and well everything's fucking life's unfair yeah the one of the times i get a bit sort of choky about me mom is when i think about jade and the fact she never met her because i i i met jade three years after my mom died and despite the fact that my mom was a raging alcoholic, as we discussed yesterday, and Jade doesn't drink. They're so fucking similar in so many ways, and they'd have got on like a house on fire, and it would have made my life harder,

because every time me and Jade had an argument, my mum would have backed it up, and I can fucking guarantee that 100%. And also, mums and dads and everything, they just want someone that's good, don't they? They want someone... What do you want for... Like, if I imagine what Etta's going to be like when she's 20 or 25, the person that she meets,

you can't ever have an idea of what that is. You just want someone who is a good influence in their life, is, like, making their existence better. So it doesn't matter about the booze or, like, your mum would have been like, oh, like oh yeah yeah Jade's good for Adam bang that's it innit I've got a bit of news for you you're gay

I knew it it's better than that remember the game show The Price is Right that was on the telly they're bringing that back and I've just been confirmed as the new host of The Price is Right, that was on the telly. They're bringing that back and I've just been confirmed as the new host of The Price is Right.

What do you mean? The Price is Right, the Bruce Forsyth show. What? That's coming back and I'm going to be the new host of it. On Have A Word The Podcast! We are changing The Price is to the penis size is right we were talking about dead mothers 38 seconds ago and i went fuck this lids we've had enough

of this shit time for some bands it's time for some bands with Adam and Lyd. So if anyone who hasn't listened to last week's Lockdown Lock-In is listening, last week I invented a penis-sized themed game show called Who Wants to Be a Willionaire? It's never sat well with me, that name, you know. You know why? Because I always think of Will Duggan. For some reason, I just think of our mate Will Duggan.

Who wants to be a willionette? And then I think of dicks and Will Duggan. So, this week, a very similar theme. We're going with average dick sizes of the countries of the world. But, to the theme of the price is right. So the game is called The Penis Size is Right.

The penis size is right. So, here's how it Penis Size is Right. The penis size is right. So here's how it's going to work. You're obsessed with dick size around countries now. This is like your whole thing. Oh, mate. But it's fucking fascinating, isn't it? So what I'm going to do is I'm going to tell you at the start, I'm going to give you a country.

The country is going to be China. And they have got, on average, 4.3 inches of dick. Then I'll give you another country. Are they not red? Are China not red? Yeah, they are red. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As red as their fucking flag, kids. Oh, and then you give me a country.

Oh, yes. And you've got to guess whether it's higher or lower. Oh, Adam, yeah. I'll tell you what, I was a little worried that you were flogging a dead horse with this one, but you've done changed the motherfucking game, yeah. I'll tell you what. I was a little worried that you were flogging a dead horse with this one, but you've done changed the motherfucking game, son. Ooh, la, la, la. There's one, two, three, four, five, six, there's seven higher all hours, right?

And for the first one, you'll win 50p. The second one, you'll win a pound. Oh, thank you. You owe me a tenner. We all know you owe me a tenner. Go on. Then five, then'll win 50p. The second one, you'll win a pound. Oh, fucking... You owe me a tenner. We all know you owe me a tenner. Go on. Then five, then seven, then ten. However far you get, when you lose,

that's what you've won. And then you'll have to have a chance to go double or nothing in the dick case dick down, where I'm going to tell you the names of six countries, and I want you to guess their total average dick size and you can be up to one inch shorter but not one millimetre over.

What is going on? It's The Price is Right with Adam Rosyth. Was he TV presenting when he was 86 i think he was 186 unbelievable they can't be boozers these fuckers you know like ronnie colbert who's still doing tv shows at 79 you're like you can't be a boozer my family are coming off, I'm playing dick games. So, Dan Nightingale, China, on average,

every man in China, on average, has an average penis of 4.3 inches. Do you think Jamaica is higher or lower? I think you've bowled me an underarm here to start here, Bruce. And I'm going to say Jamaica is higher than China. They've got bigger dicks. There we go.

Jamaica is higher with a whopping 6.4 inches. You've won 50 pence. The old bunting. Go on. Yes. Next up, we have Ireland. Do you think Ireland are higher or lower

than Jamaica no Jesus no I got some good friends and they're fucking Emerald Island now you look at me boy and you don't fuck this up you don't fuck this up for me lad I'm afraid my brothers

you know historically the English have been fucking tyrants to the Irish and obviously Adam's from that fucking heritage and I am as Anglo-Saxon as they come so that's partly more on me there's a lot of guilt on this side of the Irish Sea

at least we let you call it the Irish Sea so that is a little bit of concession isn't it could have been the Welsh Sea. Never mind. Answer the fucking question. I'm going to add to it. I'm going to add to it. Since what?

The year 1230. Fucking 800 years of oppression. I'm going to add to it by saying you've got smaller dicks than Jamaica. I'm going lower. So you're going to gamble your 50 pence and you're going to say that Ireland has a smaller dick on average than Jamaica. Of course, we're not saying with this that the biggest dick in Ireland is not bigger

than the biggest dick in Jamaica wouldn't you love to see wouldn't you love to see if it was like weirdly it just existed all the pictures of the biggest dicks of the one you know like the heavyweight dick champion of the British

heavyweight dick champion the the British heavyweight dick champion, the Jamaican heavyweight dick champion. I honestly, I'm sorry, boys. Oh, Jesus, I don't think you're going to beat the fucking lads from the other island. You know, the lads from the island over there with a load of fucking cricket, you know, and a fucking bifters. Ireland do have smaller dicks on average than Jamaica he's won a pound

I'm really really sorry I'm sorry coming up next we've got Ireland 5 inches by the way just to give you information as we go along Ireland have exactly on average 5.0 inches I'm with you there brother

do you think Vietnamietnam are higher or lower oh oh yeah vietnam not schemers dale vietnam They've got to be Smaller You going smaller? Yeah, the Viet Wang The Viet what? The Viet Wang Yeah, they're smaller No, hang on

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're smaller They're smaller We have now locked that answer in And you're right, You've won £2. Woo! Well done there, boys. Fucking Johnny Lane, all the lads over there, you know.

Steve Staunton. I just... I just... I just went into my head and tried to pull out an Irishman's name, and Steve Staunton came out oh I'll never I'll never forget that World Cup 94 where every English person because the the World Cup was on and England and Graham Taylor had fucking hoofed it into the wall and we weren't in the competition we all

pretended to be Irish for the whole competition and my mum used to do shit all about football and it was like Steve Staunton I'm almost sure was playing the Adidas Jack Charlton Irish team that were fucking quality and at one point she was getting so into it she went oh who fit up keep possession

like that quickly and me and my dad just looked at her and went shut up Norma what was that who fit up keep possession be quiet oh oh yep the alcohol's just kicked in i've done my british asian voice it's time for have a word with adam and don what are you even talking about oh adam next section fuck me blind have i got a story to tell you i've had it whatsapp to me by by one of my very few muslim friends and that's no i'd love

more muslim friends i just don't have any I love how you add caveats to anything remotely not completely white I've had a WhatsApp sent to me by one of my few Muslim friends not that I'm saying I don't like Muslims it's just I'm not selective about Muslims it's just you know they're selective about me

they've listened to the podcast and they're not keen, bro. Listen, I'll tell you I fucking Volvo S80, but I have got a corker. Stick a pin in that one. So, at the minute, you've won two quid,

Dan Nightingale. Yeah, where are we? Vietnam? You're in Vietnam, who have got half an inch smaller than Ireland, 4.5. Oh, thanks smaller than Ireland, 4.5.

Oh, thanks for the stats. 4.5 inches on average in Vietnam. It's going to get harder now, and it's going to get harder. These dicks are about to get a little bit harder. Pun intended. A lot of fun here, guys. A lot of fun. Just happy to be playing.

For £3. £3 dick. How much do you think your dick weighs? In Vietnam. Do you think your dick weighs £3? No, it's not.'s not that's too no i think you'd have to be beyond green to be a three pound dick how much does your dick weigh a pound well no because a pound is like a kilogram of sugar and that's a pound of sugar no it's fucking not a kilogram is about two and a half pounds, I think. 2.4 pounds is a kilogram.

I'm just Googling one kilogram in pounds. Yeah, 2.2. Yeah. So a bag of sugar. You think your dick's half a bag of sugar? No. I don't believe you. I think your dick weighs as much as the sugar I put in me tea.

Fucking candor ale, mate. Stevie a dick over there, mate. So Vietnam, 4.5 inches. Yeah. Where are we going? Pakistan. Bro, why are you even bringing it back to that? That's really fucking offensive, isn't it?

I got a lot of respect for the Muslim community. You know, a fucking chancellor. Pakistan. What? Pakistan. Okay, good. I'm a bit pissed, to be honest with you. Right, cool, cool, cool.

I don't think Paul Scythe was ever pissed when he played this game? Not that it was this game. No, I don't think he was, because he lived to be 122, and he was presenting four years before his death. So, no. Yeah, but for a long time, he looked like a bollock, didn't he? Like, he looked like a bollock. He, honestly, at 79, looked better than I do at 39.

So, I don't think he was finishing fucking Strictly Come Dancing and being like, Tess, line a coke off your tits. I think he was healthy living. Can't remember what we're talking about. Pakistan. Higher or lower than Vietnam. I know we've got listeners

who are, you know, Asian heritage, Pakistani heritage. Let me extend an olive branch and I'll say bigger. I'm going to go bigger. I think Pakistan are bigger than the NAM. Oh, no.

Do I? Oh, hang on. Do I? Oh, fuck me. Remember, where's the smallest dick in the world? Can I remember? Korea. North Korea. So, who are they more similar to?

Vietnam or Pakistan? Right, so I was right. Yeah, I'm going Pakistan. Yeah, I'm going Pakistan. I'm not going to question myself. Bigger? Higher? Bigger. More bigger. Islamabad. Correct! Yes! You have won three fucking quid.

Oh, Jesus. Put it on the tab. You got three quid. You're doing quite well, Dan. Just jog on. I hate all the money shit you're spending. I'm fucking spending it on your ma. Do you know what?

After how brutally honest the last couple of like episodes have been there's been moments where i'm like jesus christ like if the podcast ended today me and adam aren't gonna be like all right see you soon but like like and then you just go and fucking ruin it by like yeah spend three quid your ma. What would you do with your last 250? What would you do with the change? Your ma owes my dog fuck money. Oh, God. So, Paki's done.

All right, yeah, Paki's done. Let's get it. Oh, you're back to the serious fucking workout. This is how I make my living. You can't shout at me, Laura. Pakistan, on average, has a 4.8-inch dick. But, oh, Australia, higher or lower. Oh.

But are Australia higher or lower? Oh, shit. Now we're in the fucking testy times, aren't we? Four quintets in Pakistan on average. I've never seen any Australian pornography. I tried to reference that in my mental mind with pornography. I know, admittedly, not seen a lot of Pakistani porn. But I don't think I've ever seen Australian porn. Oh, fucking...

Come over here, boy. Oh, he likes you. Oh, he fucking likes you. You're fucking dirty. If you've been to the beach, you've got sand everywhere. Australia. Now, you've got to consider...

It's us, innit? It's us. I'm sorry, Australia. You're just a fucking cousin that wandered off. It's us, and it's also Aborigines as well. They will have been taken into account, I imagine. I very much doubt they fucking would have, you know? Because they're a massively depleted population

and I don't think they've had their dicks inspected. Have you been eating vegetables? No, I just remember asking my mate Ro Campbell once about the racism towards Aborigines. We were drinking like fucking... We were hammered in New Zealand and I was talking about the aborigines and he i thought of him once didn't you yeah he did and i absolutely served him and um

he told me some stuff about aborigines he's like he he used to be mates with someone from the aborigine community he was very serious you know when you booze him with someone and then it just takes and row is an Australian comedian very very funny guy he's rubbed some people up the wrong way in comedy but I think he's a

very fucking good comic and I've always liked him and it was one of those where I didn't realise I'd pressed one of his buttons and I was like I we were just talking

he can talk about all the I can talk to Ro like me and Adam talk, but for some reason, because he'd seen the racism towards someone from the Aboriginal community that he'd known from where he was from, he had no humour about the subject,

and I ended up in a 20-minute bollocking accidentally in a bar in New Zealand. I was like, I don't know how I got here, but I am not the white guys who've ever bullied Aborigines because I have never been to Australia and there's none in Preston Australia I

want. Are they bigger or smaller than the 4.8 inch average of Pakistan? Oh fuck me it's gotta be bigger it's got to be bigger I want it to be bigger. I'm going bigger. Go on, Australia.

You get this right, you've won a fiver. Take that fucking fiver and put it to the 15 quid. And you have got it right, Dan Nightingale! You are now the proud owner of £5. Australia, on average, is 5.2 inches, almost a full half inch bigger than those of Pakistan. Now, here's where it gets interesting. You only need two to go.

Only two to go. I feel I've done well. Even if I lose at this point, I feel like I'm a quarter-finalist, aren't I? I feel like if your family listens to this, they'll be proud of you. Oh, totally. Oh, yeah.

Do you know, my granddad has said several times now, how do I listen to this internet radio show you do? And I'm like, listen, I don't want to, I don't, if the roner finishes him off, that's one thing. I don't want him listening to this podcast. What's a turbo nonce? He goes's my heritage my bloodline my bloodline's not bad go on france higher or lower than australia france for some reason i want it to be lower i want it to be lower because it would, how do you say,

satisfy some weird Western European racism within myself that has been passed down from, you know, the Hundred Years' War. I'd love to... Can you give me some information on this? So, Australia, 5.2 inches... Do you reckon they've got stinky dicks, the French? Yeah, I reckon they smell like frogs and cheese oh no no that's too far just a little bit sweaty like this is the smell of my my balls my balls why uh no oh no woman should flinch you know that's the smell of a man

french cheese is is aged beautifully. Strong. I'm going to give you some information on this one. So Australia, as we've established, have got a 5.2 average. Pretty decent, isn't it? It's pretty decent. The nearest countries to France

are the United Kingdom, which is bigger than Australia. Right. Spain, which is bigger than Australia. Right. Spain, which is bigger than Australia. Fuck off. Portugal, which is exactly the same as Australia. Yeah. And Belgium, which is bigger than Australia.

Right. I'm going to go smaller just to piss you off because I'm sick of being fucking babied. All right, bigger. Bigger. I've got the French baguette in my pants. Jean-Francois. It is bigger!

Did you do French at school? No, we did Spanish, but only as far as year nine. You did Spanish, you fucking commie. Did you do Spanish? Yeah. God, I thought you just did French and German at school one year I did Spanish the next year I did French

one year I did Spanish the next year I did French and it went like that did they make you learn a language of the nationality you most look like? are you saying I look Spanish? no because I think

you'd have been doing GCC Arabic it's time for Havoherd with Hadam and Khan Are you just saying I look spammy? No, because I think you'd have been doing GCC Arabic. It's time for Havohud with Hadam and Khan. Scouse and Arabic have a lot in common, don't they? They have that... Scousers, Arabs and the Tasmanian devil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A Scouser saying Javi Alonso sounds like a call to prayer.

Javi Alonso. Javi Alonso. He was fucking good, wasn't he? Mate, I know we don't talk about football, but I've had a beer. He could ping a pass. Do you know Tom Huddleston is not in the same league, but Tom Huddleston could ping a pass. Just be in the middle of the park and be like,

I'm not sad. I just said, Oi, Red Ken. I just said, they're not in the same league. Oh, for fuck's sake. You fucking weird prick. Xavi Alonso.

He's going to be a great manager, isn't he? All right, listen. All right. I know you can't see any humour but there will be some football fans going I'll literally see what Dan means do you remember the goal he scored against Luton Xavi Alonso

when he was just at the halfway line it was the FA Cup game and Luton's ground is such a piece of shit and I say that as a Watford fan and Xavi Alonso was like oh look he's slightly off his line ping and it was just like he was fucking around

it looked like he was on it looked like to Shea Given at Newcastle as well he scored from the halfway line against Newcastle as well as Luton random point out of nowhere I reckon Shea Given's sound

there he is I don't know do you not reckon Shea Given's dead sound I bet his sound I've never thought about this so I haven't really got an opinion

sound footballers I know you hate El Hadjouf of Senegalese fucking two minutes of Liverpool four minutes of racism

a black been fame sound footballers Kevin Kilbane reckon his sound is it just Irish people

I think I like the Irish I still feel Gilly 800 years of hurt what do you reckon about Steve Malbronk

the former Fulham winger Steve Malbronk but I tell you I'm not 100% but I bet Jean Tagana the manager

can fuck what are we doing Jean Tagana knows how to bang but Jean your penis is so smelly shut up woman that's how we like it

at least it's bigger than a fucking Australian's this is our job sorry France has a 5.7 on average France has a 5.7 inch penis do you know you have neighbours when you shout that loud with those headphones

on there is a no one can see that you're a good half a metre away from that and you've got really good studio earphones on I reckon your neighbours just heard you go France has a 5.7

well that fat bitch I live next to anyway so I apologise for the way she spoke to me the other day so her kids can learn about the average dick length of dick donations upset me nasty bitch good on you mate France on average has a 5.7 inch penis a full half-inch above Australia.

They fucking say they have. They fucking say they have. Of course we have a big penis. You think there's corruption? No, I just... Excuse me, Mr. Frenchman. Yes, I would love to do your questionnaire. No.

Go on. That was them saying no. Final question in this round before we go to the Dick K stick down ok I can't wait for the Dick K stick down higher or lower than France Greece and I'll tell you

it's lower there is 0.1 inches difference between France and Greece. It's a very small difference. So Greece is either 5.6 or 5.8. This is for 10 pounds.

Am I allowed to phone a friend? I'd fucking love you to phone a friend. I'm going to ring Commander Matt Rees please do because he's travelled the world as a commander this is my brother hey mate you're on the Have A Word podcast hello Matt this is Adam Rowe

can you hear me Matt I'm in a really tricky position here have a word podcast hello Matt this is Adam Roe can you hear me Matt that's a little bit surprising yeah I'm in a really tricky position here you're we're playing what are we playing

it's a dick based length game and I know you're there with the penis size is right yeah the penis size is right and by the way am I allowed to tell everyone

you've been promoted to commander so long as you've only referred to me as the commander and not by my only referred to me as the commander and not by my name right yeah all right well the commander's doing really well um right i'm in a tricky one spot here now i know this is pertinent to you because you're married to a french woman so i know what you want this answer to be okay who has a bigger dick size? The French or the Greek?

Is that right, Adam? Am I getting that right? That's the question. I can hear the lads kicking off in the back like, Daddy, what are you doing? Talking to my moron. The French or the Greek? Who has the bigger dick?

Matt, can you hear me? Are we talking length? Can you hear Adam, Matt? No, I can't hear Adam. I can only hear you. All right, so... Okay, I can't hear Adam. I can only hear you. Alright, so... Okay, so tell him that France on average has a 5.6... Just length, Matt.

So France on average is 5.7 and Greece is either 5.6 or 5.8. I'm going to go French. I know I shouldn't. You think the French have bigger dicks? Than the Greeks, yeah. My natural instinct was to go slightly smaller. Matthew, you've been an absolute belter. Commander Steve, shit, sorry. That's fine.

You're doing fine. Could you imagine if you didn't get promoted? Because I fucking, never mind. I love you. See you. Peace out, bye. See you, bye. So, you're going to go with his answer

You're going to say that Greece is smaller than France Honestly It was my natural instinct And now I've had it confirmed And essentially from that I think his wife might have a big vagina You are Wrong Oh fuck it I feel like ringing the prick back Come on my dick you are wrong I feel like ringing the prick back

come on you tried to trick me with this one and you fell for it I thought you were going to go oh well all those Greek statues have always got tiny penises so they'll be small Greece has a 5.8 inch dick on average however Dan Nightingale

you did get as far as 77 in that round of the game. That £7 is now going to carry into the next round, and you will either win £0 or £14 in the Dick Case Dick Down. Just happened to be playing. You're getting better at your branding as well. Dick Case Dick Down. Where's that come from?

Clever. It's the Showcase Showdown, isn't it? So, I'm going to read you the names of six countries and I want you to tell me what you think their total

average dick length is. So, add all six together. That's the number I've got in front of me. You can be up to one inch smaller and you'll win. But you can't be any over. Okay, everyone is listening. Get a pen and a piece of paper. Do it with me.

Fucking, why do I feel... I always feel anxious at this. You always make me... I don't know why it's important. Why is this stupid game important? It's so important. 14 quid on the line here, Dan. So.

What a session. Here are your six countries. Right. Iceland. Yeah. Haiti. Haiti. Ethiopia.

Zimbabwe. Hang on, hang on, slow it down. Iceland. Iceland. Yeah. Haiti. Yeah. Ethiopia.

I've heard of it. Zimbabwe. Yeah. Yeah. Ukraine. Romania. Am I the only person that thinks dicks are smaller where it's cold? As soon as you said Ukraine, people would think themselves a bit of a shake though.

Well, chilly there in the winter, isn't it? But Asia's bare hot and they've got the litt well chilly there in the winter isn't it but Asia's bare hot and they've got the littlest dicks in the world

that's a good point you need to talk us through your thinking process otherwise it's just a silent podcast yeah alright I've got it

alright just fucking help me out I'm taking this seriously just having a little think about Romania now I don't know if you've done this on purpose but I feel like you've if you've done this on purpose,

but I feel like you've really, you've not given me any of the classics. I think you've purposefully started naming countries that we've not dick-colored. Yep. Right. Iceland. I think they're in around five.

I just have a five-ish feeling. Haiti is not far from Panama, and those boys are big. I'm giving them a 6.4-ish. Right? Ethiopia, I think I tried last week to claim Ethiopia had small dicks, and you're like, oh, actually, they're not that small. Ethiopia were not on last week's quiz. No, no, no, but they have been mentioned.

No, Egypt were. Egypt, that's quiz. No, no, no, but they have been mentioned. No, Egypt were. Egypt, that's a different African country. Ethiopia, they're hungry, aren't they? You know, they've had the famines. Have they eaten their own dicks? Does that affect their life?

Do they know it's Christmas dick? Feed the world. What size they know it's Christmas dick feed the world what size are the Christmas dick I think

Ethiopia or African I mean I don't think I know but I think I just don't know how much nourishment they've got to the dicks I'm going to go 5.3 Zimbabwe mate they are they're they've got to the dicks. I'm going to go 5.3. Zimbabwe, mate, they are... They're blessed.

They have a structure. They're hung low. If they pull their shit out, every white man loses a farm. Ukraine? I mean, even if they had big dicks, I think Russians would steal the dicks off them.

I just don't think they're going to be allowed. I think they'd get dick poisoned. What guess did you have at Zimbabwe? What was the actual number you gave it? 6.2. And Ukraine? Ukraine. They're in the Caucasus.

What were we? What were we? What were we? What are we? UK. Yeah. 5.5. Oh, fuck. 5.4 for Ukraine.

Take point of an inch off because it's cold. Romania. Literally don't know much of Ceausescu, orphans, Dan Petrescu. They all dyed their hair blonde at Euro 2002 why am I rhyming everything with who

they've got quite a large population of Jew this is phenomenal watching you by the way because I'm drunk I'm drunk now

I can feel it you're a little bit drunk but also you're taking this so seriously and I fucking love it what am I gonna do be like it's not important it is important it's to do? it's not important, it is important

it's the best thing in my life Romania I reckon Romania is slightly slower 4.8 for Romania, fuck them so you're going 4.8 for Romania plus 5.4 for Ukraine right, this is what I'm doing

Iceland 5, Haiti 6.4 slow down because I've got to calculate it up I've got a fucking brain mate Right. This is what I'm doing. Iceland, 5. Haiti, 6.4. I've got to slow down because I've got to calculate it up. I've got a fucking brain, mate. 5, 6.4, 11.4. Ethiopia, 5.3. That's 16.7. Zimbabwe is 6.2. That's 22.9.

Ukraine at 5.4. That's 28.3. i right yeah and romania 5.8 that's 34.1 am i am i right 5.8 for romania yeah 5.8 so 34 so 34.1 is that the total that's what you've got as your total. Right now. No, no, no. That's not my answer. I think I've been too generous. I think I've been too generous because I want everyone's dick to be bigger. I want the...

Feel the world. Make it a better place for you and for me and the entire man-dick race. There are small dicks crying did you say 4.8 or 5.8 for Romania 5.8

5.8 oh no no no I've misread my own fucking gibberish I did mean 4.8 so does that make it 33.1 that does yeah quite impressed with my fucking Rachel level

countdown maths eh so at the minute I felt pressure there because you're good at maths I was like don't fuck this up Dan come on kid right if this total is anywhere from 33.1 to 34.1 you would win if you locked this in as your final answer

if it's anything other than that, you would lose. Let's go over them. Iceland, it's a fair five. It's fucking cold in Iceland, though. Right, I'm taking 0.2 off for Iceland. Minus 0.2. Haiti, 6.4. Them boys are big.

I'm keeping that. Ethiopia, don't know. Zimbabwe, I don't know why Zimbabwe would be so much bigger than Ethiopia. I think they're better fed. Farms. Ukraine 5.4, Romania 33.1. I'm going to take it down. Bruce, I'm going to take it down to 32.9.

I'm taking 0.2 off Iceland because it's fucking freezing up there in Reykjavik. Northern Lights. Small dick sights. 32.9 is my final answer. Go on, mate and girl.

You're a winner! It's so emotional. I cannot believe that you've got that right and you nearly nearly got it wrong the point two is it the point two no you had it right anyway but if you'd have took another point two off

you'd have lost so the correct answer is 33.8. Right? You ended up with 32.9. Mate, I tell you, say what you want about me. I know my international dick.

I'll tell you as well, you got one of them bang on, which was Ethiopia at 5.3. And you got so many of these so close. I can't believe it. So what did you say for Iceland? You took it down to what? 4.8?

I called it 5, but I took 0.2 off for it being cold. So 4.8. They're actually 5.7. Yeah. Oh, shit. I forgot the heritage of Iceland. It's all fucking Viking dick, innit?

It is. They didn't let small dick Sven on the fucking Viking longship, did they? Like, we're going ripping and pillaging. I can, I can, please. No, small dicks fan. You're pathetic. Where are you from?

Viking. What did you say for Haiti? 6.4. 6.3. Oh, not far off. Ethiopia,

5.3. God, bang on. Zimbabwe, 6.2. 6.1. Genius. Ukraine,

5.4. 5.5. Fuck, I know my dicks.2. A 6.1. That's genius. Ukraine, 5.4. A 5.5. Fuck, I know my dicks. Romania. And what did you say? 4.8? 4.8 in the end. A 4.9.

You were so close on all of them apart from Iceland. Do you know now how close I am? I'm unnerved. I've gone beyond enjoying this and I've gone to like a little bit unnerved discover the new talent how do I not dig that well we have done nearly an hour of a first section there

it's the lock in it's the fucking lock in this was bound to happen it's going to-in it's the fucking lock-in this was bound to happen it's going to be a six hour spectacular strap yourselves in and we'll be back after a word from Trans Alloy Wheels now then lads

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And after the fucking Rona, I'm going to these guys at Trans Ilo Wheels Limited when I'm gigging in Yorkshire. And I'm going to get them to sort out the alloys that are all scuffed up and fucked on my Volvo v40 so even if you've got a sensible dad mobile or you've inherited your Nana's banger soup up the wheels get them sorted if you part like a bellend get them tied it up make them look smarter go the full hog get them jazzed up get them glitzy get them gold just live your life through your alloy wheels. They can add value to your car and make it look fucking smart. They use the same techniques as the biggest car manufacturers

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feeling triggered. It must be Have A Word with Adam and Dave. What's happening, white people? If you're thinking, oh, just before the advert, you said about the lockdown lock-ins and I feel I'm going to miss them. I think we

can't do weeklies because we're doing... if you've sort of missed the announcement, we are changing to a Monday podcast and a Friday podcast with a Patreon exclusive episode on a Wednesday so if you've signed up to the Patreon at

£3, £5 or £10, you will get an exclusive Patreon episode. So we're going to three episodes, basically. We also, we we got a message to be using on every go on yeah we we got um a message just on that subject uh a couple of hours ago from someone who said will i be able to listen to the patreon episodes on podbean no we can't there's no way for us to do that you'll have to listen to it on patreon there's a patreon app you can download you can just go onto your browser get patreon up you'll be able to

access the episodes there but to make it a patreon exclusive the only way the only place we can put it is on patreon so for the patreon listeners that's where you'll be listening to the exclusive episodes and if anyone's thinking well that's not very accessible mate if you've signed up to the patreon you are on board you're a fan you have, mate, if you've signed up to the Patreon, you are on board. You're a fan. You have to have been because you've signed up to the Patreon. The Patreon is such an easy website to use. You just go to patreon.com slash have a word pod and you sign up to the tiers. And on there, there's a media player. There's also pictures that I've put up of the studios. pictures that I've put up of the studios there's old episodes that I've put up of like the Hack Radio Pod episode that me and Adam did months and months ago that was basically the

start of this the Havilland Pods become so the media player on that will be great so that's what people are going to listen on I can now announce that my stand up special called Club Comic is going to be released publicly on Saturday the 30th

of May. I will make it. It'll be on YouTube, and it'll be on YouTube a few days before that. I will send a message to every Patreon member two days before that with a private link to watch that special.

So on the 28th of May, you'll get two days early access to my brand new stand-up special, Club Comic. You'll be able to see it two days before everyone else does on the 28th of May, which I think will be a Thursday. So anyone who signs up to Patreon between now and then, you will get access to that.

Fucking hell. But yeah, when are we going to do a lock-in? Yeah. I reckon last Friday of the month, every month. Right, yeah. We might get pissed more often than that if we're a bit bored. Like, hey, should we have a drink today? That'd be fun. But we guarantee last Friday of the month, every month,

until we're back gigging, we'll do a lockdown lock in. Payday, innit? Payday. Payday. Right, we're drinking. I've had this printed out for a while, and I've not got round to saying it and I just want to

I just want to do it because a guy called Dair Walsh D-A-I-R-E the lads from Ireland how you saying that there fucking Adam Dair

Dair Dair Walsh fucking Dair Walsh you know Dair Walsh from down near the flats he's been writing into that fucking podcast from Liverpool. The fucking...

The English lads. Dara Walsh. Hi, lads. I'm from Ireland, and my mate got me onto the show last week, and I've binged all the episodes over the weekend so far. Absolutely fucking class. Anyway, here's my story. The first time I ever got drunk

was when I was 27 I mean there's so much that goes against every stereotype I've heard in British comedy for the last fucking 20 years in that first sentence of the paragraph because I think Adam will agree and there's some fucking brilliant Irish comedians

knocking about on the UK comedy circuit, but a lot of them are like, oh, Jesus, no. We fucking love a drink. We don't, you know. Irish people, we love a drink. The first time I got drunk was when I was 27, and it was the night before I was to be married to my beautiful wife.

Oh, Jesus. Why would you do that the night before come on do you know what I did the night before my wedding I got Matt Rees Bondi, Sean, my best men and we went and had

a Nando's and then they all watched films and took the piss out of me as I quickly typed up the last of my speech it was not a drinking session. Why would you do that to yourself? I've only been to two weddings so far. What?

You're 28 though, you're only just ticking into the zone, mate. Honestly, you, in about two or three years, you'll go, oh, fuck another. It gets like that. I bet I was the same in 2008. I've been to a couple, and then it just starts rolling.

First wedding I went to was Paul Blair, owner, founder, legend of Hot Water Comedy Club, and I was a groomsman. And the second wedding I went to was Paul Smith, compere, comedian, and legend of Hot Water Comedy Club. And I was his co-best man with Paul Blair. Keep it close. Keep it tight. Good fun.

Did you have to do a speech? Do you know what I did? So obviously Paul Blair said there was 12 groomsmen. So it was just his best man that did a speech. But a Paul Smith's wedding, me and Paul Blairir were both best men and because i was the comedian i didn't want to be seen as try hard and trying to be funny so paul blair did a funny story a funny speech and i did like a heartfelt nice one you know that sounds so counterintuitive almost if you listen to that go but adam you're dead funny it is not easy being a comedian uh when you're meant to be doing a speech at a wedding

because everyone goes oh well you're bound to be funny because you're a comedian and their whole like their sympathy and it changes like if it's like oh it's you know it's darren who's been his mate since school he's dead nervous the whole room's like blessed darren he's such a lovely lad he's like oh i tell you when we got drunk and fell over and i was like oh darren you, you know him. As soon as they're like, he's a professional comedian, so this better be good. Go on then. What's that? Don't get that. Do you know who I feel sorry for?

Carl, my best mate. When I get married, whether it's to that thing in the next room or something else. What the world needs now is love, sweet love. Not just for you, Jade, but forevermore. Carl will be my best man.

And I've always, since I was a little girl, pictured a big wedding. There'll be a lot of comedians at my wedding. And Carl's going to have to do a best man speech to a room full of my family and a chunk of professional comedians. Yeah, and you know what? Most of them will be really nice about it because A, Carl's likeable, but also he's a civilian. And everyone's like,

yeah, he's a fucking civilian. He's not going to do what he can do. Flip it around, you doing a speech at Carl's wedding, different fucking vibe. It's so hard. And everyone's like, well, you know how to do comedy, don't you? No, what I know how to do is have an idea that might be funny,

and then one out of four ideas is funny. Three out of the four ideas, the first time I say them, sound like fucking idiotic gobbledygook, and I never say them again. A wedding speech is a whole load of new material to a crowd who aren't there for comedy fuck me it's like doing new material not a comedy my best man speech to a new material nice guys i know you don't know him but his name His name's Carl. He's always messing up. One time, he was sick on his grandma.

When Matt got married to his French missus, I was doing a best man speech. Kynan, the other best man, two best men. Kynan, he did some bands, and some of it was fine, and some of it was like you could almost you could almost see the change in the font from what he'd copied and pasted off the internet and some of it was okay and then he went you know what it's not really my job uh to be a comedian because and then he

pointed all the way down the top table and because dan's about to do his best man speech and he's a professional comedian. And the whole room went... Now, Matt has married a beautiful French girl called Marion, who's now his wife, and they're very happy. They're wonderful people. And she brought along, unsurprisingly, quite a lot of French family from Marseille. And I saw what was coming with these... Five and a half inch dicks.

So, yeah, Matt, even the women matt had is a french speaker so he did half of his speech in english and half of his speaking speech in french which i don't give a shit if it's your best mate it's impressive i wanted to hate it but i was like yeah fuck well played i'd sort of predicted this so i had been in the day the speeches were quite late on i'd been boozing with one of Marion's mates, and we'd been getting on really well, two of her mates, both French, and I said to her, do you know what, I can see a problem coming with this speech, two-thirds of this fucking room are French, and I'm just going to dick on, trying to make a bell end of my mate, and just be nice about

him, and also a few jokes, and it's, they're just, it's going to die, so I'll, I'll build a bridge, and I'll do some like, French stuff at the start, the start i was like if i could you be my translator for the first bit and i'll sort of apologize for not being able to speak french and she was like yeah yeah and i was like fucking brilliant i was like whatever i say could you just say in french so i thought i'll ad lib that it'll be fine so i walked on and I was like first of all I'd like to apologise to all of Maureen's family I don't speak French and then

what was she called she was called Maureen or something and then she translated it French Lady that was her name wasn't it French Lady Claudette

probably Claudette and then I was like it's basically because you know at school I was so attractive to the girls I couldn't concentrate on work because there was women all over me no one laughed in the English part And then I was like, it's basically because, you know, at school, I was so attractive to the girls.

I couldn't concentrate at work because there was women all over me. No one laughed in the English part. And then she, she like did it in French and all the French people were like, this is funny because he is not attractive. And I, mate, I tell you what, French audiences that what they will laugh at as long as it's in French is a lower bar than what English people will laugh at

I started riffing pretty well and also like Claudette not her name was doing a great job we went on for about two minutes

and I was ripping I was like brilliant I know when you've run out of shit I was like thank you and now I'll do my speech I just had a short speech, didn't write it down.

I just had a few points of where Matt's clearly a bellend. I love him to bits, but he is a bellend, and this is why he's a great guy. And the rest of the speech died on its fucking hoop because those two-thirds of the room who were French were like, this is brilliant, this guy's going to do it for us as well. And when I stopped, it was more annoying to them they were like i've never it was the hardest like feeling of dying on your hoop ever adam has just stuck on a have a word pod sticker on his to a foot on his forehead and now i think

he's the most drunk he's ever been on this podcast. Do you know what's funny about that? When you got those stickers printed, you said to me, a girl at one of the shows stuck it on her forehead and she was like, hey, on iPhone, and you were like, no, it's a waste of a fucking sticker. And now, two months later, look who's got a sticker on his head.

Yeah, but it's only a waste if I ever take it off. Alright. are we halfway through the boy darryl's fucking story no oh yeah i forgot you were first time i got drunk was when i was 27 it was the night before i was to be married to my beautiful wife oi knobheads everyone listen stag do three months before the wedding the then all the stitches can heal you can get your fucking, you know, the passport back you can get back to the country the morning of, I was feeling like death

obviously it's his first ever hangover, he's 27, it's hit him like a train I had followed the advice of all my mates who had experience of this sort of thing, and after all of their remedies failed they've all just been like, oh, you need to do this, all of our hangover fucking cures. One of them convinced me that the best option was to get drunk again.

No, listen to me now. Damn fucking, you're my boy. I'm not going to fuck around with you. No, listen to me now. You need to just get straight on the fucking booth. Do I? Yeah, it's the only way now. Everything else has failed.

I stupidly took his advice. I wasn't that bad during the ceremony, and I got through it quite well. It's at the reception when things got messy. During my father-in-law's speech, oh my God, I've just remembered this story, I grabbed the mic and started talking down it and basically let slip what I intended to do

to my wife once we were alone. No! If that wasn't bad enough, I even suggested her sisters come and join in. No, he didn't. I'm very... He's put this. I'm very lucky my beautiful wife saw the funny side,

but in six years of marriage, I haven't seen her family since that day, and I cannot imagine I will see them anytime soon. That is... Fucking bellend. So fucking wonderful. I hope that's true. Oh, come on.

I mean, I just think we've got to suspend all disbelief. I don't see... Do you know, there's some emails we get, and I'm like, I call a little bit of bullshit. Anyway, you know, the, my proudest moment that Craig sent in the other day where he basically put gay porn on the computer,

the check, the, like the seating computer of a restaurant where they thought it was average. Yeah. So I said on the pod, I hope it's true. He literally screenshotted the text message of the member of staff who found it and went mate. And it's funny because you can see the conversation of like the text message of the member of staff who found it and went mate and it's funny

because you can see the conversation of like the last bit of conversation then he's like fuck me you've got to call me right now something amazing has happened and he's i've he's screenshot just to be like i'm no no shit it's totally true i honestly think the people who email in we're not like i'm not saying something can't get through the net, but I think we're quite perceptive of what's bullshit and what's not, and I think that's true, because I just think if you were making it up, you'd fake it. The first time he got drunk, he was 27. Like, what were you thinking the night before you got married?

And when his mate was like, hey, listen there, boy, fucking listen to me now. You're in a bad state. What you need to do, fuck the hair of the dog, drink the whole fucking dog. That's how we do it. Get a dog, fucking drink the cunt. You need the fucking dog of the dog.

That's what you need. Fuck the hair of the dog. You just need the dog. Fucking double dog. So I got a WhatsApp about two hours ago from a guy that I know through comedy. He was like, mate, I've got a hangover story, but I am worried to tell it to you because I just feel like it's going to end badly. And I was like, well, dude, we'll just change your name and we'll change all the names. He was like, he went, yes, dickhead.

I know that I'm talking about, I'm, yes, dickhead. I know that. I'm talking about, I'm worried about, I'm worried about being judged because the person who's messaged me is still a Muslim. So he's not worried about some fuckwit finding out. He's worried about God finding out. I'll change the name. He's like, yeah, but someone will know. You know, the guy that's watching.

Someone, he already knows. Yeah, exactly. So what's the story? Right. Morning glory. So my boy here, I'm not going to use his name. He was quite a devout Muslim in the late 90s and was actually so devout,

he was doing the training to become an imam one day and uh and one of his very very close mates was also really really devout but a young muslim lad who was quite confused and ended up going to university and as he left to go to university he was absolutely set on that one day he'd be an imam and he'd be, you know, committed to the cause of Islam. And when he got to university... For anyone listening who doesn't know what an imam is... An imam?

An imam. Like, it's like the end-of-level boss of Muslims. Is it an imam? it is isn't it? yeah yeah yeah sorry yeah I just don't I don't want to get any of this wrong

because he's told me the story if you think of it in Sonic the Hedgehog he's Dr. Robotnik and he's the boss oh yeah yeah mosque wise he's absolutely Dr. Robotnik

all I can see is yellow fucking rings flying everywhere. So the young lad, not my mate, has gone off to university and straight away found booze and realised he's got a fucking affinity to the drink there. So he's been going and getting absolutely shit faced on a weekend and then coming back feeling guilty like having hangover guilt and basically repenting to allah and going oh no i am a muslim i just no no i know i know it went big friday and saturday but no no no i am a

muslim is definitely i'm a definitely mus. And then he's basically Muslim midweek. And then he gets to Friday. He's like, oh, fuck it. They've got some tunes on me. I can't be a Muslim in spoons. And this has been going on for quite a while. So they basically lost touch. And when they reconnected, he was like, yeah.

When you say they lost touch, were him and God? No, no, no. So my friend who sent this story through and the lad the protagonist in the tale they've lost touch and when they reconnected the lads told him this story it's like at the height of it he was basically boozing so fucking hard and then repenting after the weekend and like trying to get back on the straight and narrow which is basically what all of us do don't we we drink hard and then weing after the weekend and like trying to get back on the straight and narrow which is basically what all of us do don't we we drink hard and then we're like do you know what

i'm gonna wake up i'm gonna change i'm just gonna get over them tomorrow i might go jogging i might get a rowing machine but he's been doing the sort of like theological version of it as a as a young muslim like i need to get back with god and i've sinned and that's fine so he's been fucking drinking in Birmingham this one Saturday night and absolutely he's hammered and he's in a taxi on his way back and he's gone through a bit of suburban Birmingham and it's like summertime it's about 3 34 in the morning and he's seen some of his Muslim brothers heading into a mosque and in that moment he's seen them in their like full attire and he's gone fuck you've done it again but he's still drunk he's still on the way back from a night out he's gone fuck you've done it again and but this time when you repent

you need to do it properly you need to actually do it in a mosque fuck it and he's gone to the taxi driver stop the car stop the car i need to get out he's paid the taxi driver and stop the car, stop the car, I need to get out, he's paid the taxi driver, and he's followed the Muslim guys into a mosque, so they've gone in, he's seen where they've gone in, he's gone in, and just sort of stumbled in, now, this is the summertime in Birmingham, apparently, for devout Muslims, the first prayer of the day, if you're really devout, is early, it's like sunrise, and in the middle of summer,'s fucking early so he's gone in they've already started the first prayer and he's just gone in and joined just joined the back line and started praying he's got the full way through the first prayer i wish i knew how long that was

i'm guessing it's a wee while he's been doing the prayer going down coming back up doing which in his state of alcoholism has not been that great for him. And as they've ended the first prayer, he stood up and puked all over the fucking carpet of the mosque, like absolutely vombed everywhere. And they all turned and were like aghast that one of their brothers has started puking in the mosque so badly that the imam has stopped the prayers,

basically not continued the service and gone, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, fuck, he must be. And then they were trying to like talk to him because he was still pissed. He's trying to explain what's happened. And he's like, oh, fucking, I'm just fucking, I'm fucking absolutely fucking hammered and because they've no concept of why someone would be that pissed in a mosque they've assumed

that he's been talking in tongues and gone oh christ is he's possessed he's possessed by a demon now my mate told me that the name of the demon in islam is a dejin right the imam went he he has a dejin in him it's like a almost like a supernatural being like a fucking demon this is the best story i've ever heard by the way i just want to put that out there i love i love that he's drunk and stated he's he's been trying to go i'm gonna fucking waste it i am a muslim but i don't fucking waste it and they've gone what is he saying he must have a demon in him, and they didn't bollock him, they weren't suspicious, they didn't know it was alcohol related, the smell of the alcohol, they were completely unaware of, because they've never been around anyone that's stunk of alcohol

that much, they apparently started, at one point, they started spraying Atar on him, which is like a Persian Arabic scent, because they thought it was a smell that was coming from the demon. And instead of bollocking him for being drunk, they tried to exorcise him. They tried to do an exorcism in the mosque. So is this dickhead at five, probably 4.35 in the morning now, in the mosque in So is this dickhead

at 5, probably 4.35 in the morning now in the mosque? I'm going to try this next time I come home. Two drunken jades pissed off. You're fucking hammered, aren't you? Babe, it's a fucking demon. I swear to God. This is a beast. This is a demon.

Who's been sitting in my J2O all night and now he's in my belly it's a jinn i know it's the jinn i know it no it's a jinn it's a muslim supernatural how bad would that be as you're sobering up i realize it because once you've puked you start sobering up really quickly being surrounded by muslim brothers in a mosque and they're doing an exorcism this is the best bit they send him home they get him home and they tell his dad oh he's got a demon in him and his dad knows exactly what the demon is right but didn't want he didn't want any of the embarrassment or shame being brought in the family so they were

like he came into the mosque to pray pray obviously because he's a good muslim but we think he might be possessed by demons so you're gonna have to look after him for two weeks the mosque sent clerics around hang on is that what they do in islam what is that the prescribed course this is your son he's got a he's got a demon in him you just need to keep an eye on him for two weeks. Check his temperature every now and then. Loads of paracetamol, plenty of fluid. Yeah, and loads of exorcism. Two exorcisms with a glass of water

for two weeks. Muslims treat demons like we treat FCDs. Plenty of fluid. Take this once a day at six o'clock. favorite bit of this story is it went on for two weeks clerics kept coming to the house because they were like it needs to be exercised they need we need to finish the exorcism and all from apparently from the first minute his dad knew exactly what it was because his dad fucking knew but his dad didn't want to lose face so went along with it for two weeks

and had the guys coming around trying to get rid of the demon. They're like, oh, yeah, I think the demon's nearly gone now. Fucking prick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, demon's nearly gone. I'm telling you, he's not going back to university. This bell end. That's fucking phenomenal. Oh, Jesus. I tell you you what i've heard some oh i got drunk and i was and i was hung over stories but when he sent me that he literally whatsapped me and was like look

can i just run this by you because i don't want to write it all out and then you'd be like no we're not going to do it i was like mate can i instead of you writing it out can I just retell it how you've told me rather than me being like I want this to happen fuck will you do me a favour right now will you whatsapp me

if it is yeah do it now I want to know right I will as soon as as soon as I've done it

I will right oh god what time is it what time are we on the pod I need a wee we've done an hour and 25 should we have a word from our sponsors at Vauxhall Comedy Club and you can go for a wee and I'm gonna go and get myself another drink oh yeah doing these adverts makes me want to go to Vauxhall Comedy Club so much when the shutdown is over when we're free when venues are open again if you like comedy and you're in london or if you're

visiting the big smoke go and watch some live stand-up at the voxel comedy club it's just over the water near the west end really central on a friday and saturday night they have an amazing offer where they do as much booze as you can get. A bottomless booze comedy night. Amazing comedians from the TV, from the circuit. It's 90 minutes, free wine, cider, beer, and it's just £25. There's also a spirit and mixer bottomless

ticket, and there's also an entry ticket that's just £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club is open Monday to Saturday, and it's right next to the amazing Vauxhall Street Food Garden. So obviously, right now, you can't go. But as soon as you can, get down there, enjoy yourself. Adam's played it. I'm looking forward to playing it.

And in the meantime, hit them up on socials, at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Instagram, at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter, and Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook. The show is 18 and over, so if you look young and fresh, take your ID. And if you look like me, fucking your ID and if you look like me fucking grandad Dave

you'll get right in see you there Vauxhall Comedy Club nice one two mics two lids and a lot of time on their hands

this is Have A Wad we're back you look like you're Jack with your hair like that people do tell us we look quite similar I've never really seen it apart from a couple of photos

but I'm like hang on you're definitely brothers when I met him I was like oh yeah yeah that makes sense I don't think it's worth I've turned me down I don't think it's worth putting it back on for a half a word section necessarily I don't think it's worth... I've turned me calm and rough. I don't think it's worth putting it back on for a have a word section. Necessarily.

It's time for have a word with Adam and Dan. I'm out of breath. Just come up to the stage. Enjoy to play this. Yes. Let's have a word. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems you have with your friends.

This is going to be the whole podcast. Now it's just the final 10%. Oh, this has been a dead, dead, dead fun one. And I know I've got to go and clean the fucking living room once we're done today. So what are you taking photos of? I'm drunk. I want to take a selfie. once we're done today. So,

what are you taking photos of? I'm drunk. I want to take a selfie. Podcast's the best thing I've ever done in my life. Oh, no. I love being a dad as well. I mean, it's good. But the podcast

doesn't wake me up at four in the morning. What? It's time for Have a way with the problems you have with your problems with your friend

this is supposed to be two all of them first one's a quick one and it's fucking people like you Dan Nightingale that's the target of it street party in it

March 6th I've had quite a few of these Nightingale. That's the target of it. Oh, street party, innit? Marxist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had quite a few of these. Have a word with people who had a garden party for VE Day. Nobody knew what the fuck VE Day was until yesterday. It's just an excuse to get pissed with your neighbours.

Laura had to be, Laura just went don't tell anyone, but I don't actually know what VE Day is, I was like alright no one knows what it is though, I walked through now you've got to remember you do though, you do know what VE Day is, surely

you didn't celebrate it last year I don't celebrate it you did yesterday though the reason they've moved the celebration happened is yeah because they've

moved a bank holiday onto it they've done it on purpose because it's a special year it's the 75th the reason people celebrated it is because they're

fucking bored in their houses and they wanted an excuse to get pissed I think it would have happened anyway I think there would have been a few little parties

anyway but it's been totally exaggerated exaggerated bullshit bullshit do you not think there would have been little parties anyway, but it's been totally exaggerated. Exaggerated. Do you not think there would have been street parties for VE Day on a special Friday bank holiday when the weather

was like that? Are you sure? Yeah, well, I don't think... Especially where I am. I've told you a few times on this pod that this is a scouse, not English thing. There's not really a British identity in Liverpool because we feel disenfranchised from central government. I walked my dog yesterday to the park

and on the way back, I walked down a main road and there was about fucking 15, 20 houses all right next to each other having a big street party with British flags in the fucking window. We don't put England flags up during the fucking World Cup. People just wanted to get pissed with their mates. And you know what?

I'm beyond judging them. I think people need to feel human again. And obviously there'll be a lot of people listening to this going, whoa, nice one, yeah, because you need to feel human. We've risked the fucking health of a nation because of COVID fucking 19. But you're like yeah but a lot of those people have played the game for like eight weeks and watch other people take the fucking piss and not play the game and they wanted to sit in their front gardens and

have a street party they're not finger banging the neighbor they're just drinking in and around it like also i get it there's got to be a little bit of a like go on every newspaper at the minute is on monday lockdown eases you'll be able to go and fuck your mom's dog again get ready for that like and people see that and they go well if i can do it on monday why can't i do it on fucking friday like it's fine a lot of people are really are really waiting for a huge change to be announced on sunday and i i've got i think they've got the roadmap to the ease in the lockdown is not going to be a massive gear shift on sunday i don't think i think it's going to be like look there's going to be a slight like

easing of like this is what you can do exercise-wise. I think the bigger changes are coming three weeks down the line if everything keeps going as it is. I think people are looking at Sunday thinking it's going to be a massive change. But I would say this about last night. I think in that little moment, you get this release of the pressure of like, fuck me, we have been in, we've not driven to see family, we've not done this.

As long as you're not, if you've not got symptoms and everything, I'm not trying to sound irresponsible and I'm not saying you should be hugging your neighbor or anything, but that bit of human contact, it's so important because there is something else at work here. I know the virus is serious, but people's mental health is in the bin

and you'll lose lives to that as well. It sounds like I'm being melodramatic, but people are fucking isolated, lonely, sad, depressed, deteriorating. People don't know what to believe. There's such an amalgamation of misinformation at the minute. Nobody I know trusts the government. There's no one I know on a personal level. I've seen tweets from fucking accounts that have got a fucking sports card as their profile picture who do and whatever. Well, I don't know anyone. There's no

friend of mine or someone I class as a friend on social media or a colleague who is like, do you know what? I trust the government and whatever they say is what I'll obey. Because first of all, people think they got it wrong. And then there's also people who are starting to think that there's an ulterior motive to everything. But the amount of people who before this were completely sane, normal people who now seem like fully fledged conspiracy theorists is fucking unreal.

People do not know what to believe. They don't know whether this is a deadly virus that is killing everyone and the infection rate is going up, or whether it's going down, or whether it's not as bad as they thought it was going to be, or whether it's worse than it could have possibly ever been. No one's got a fucking clue what's going on. And when

that happens, when they don't know, when people don't know what they should do for the best, they're going to do the thing they will enjoy more. And that's what's happening. Yeah, maybe, yeah. Sad though, that some people on the street, our street had a basically on the front lawns.

It's lucky because we've got a street where you do have front lawns. People move the cars off the drive and then you could see everyone and everyone just had basically a load of individual parties. And then a couple of houses didn't come out because they're like no fuck you we're doing this properly and you're like yeah i see why you've not come out because you're like well we're isolating because you know so and so had we've got breathing difficulty we've got like asthma really bad asthma or something it's not really the rules and also i watched it happen because i drunk on thursday as

we all know i drunk on the podcast and i was hungover yesterday so i didn't drop a drink a drop of alcohol last night and i watched that go from a really friendly tea party to just a fucking street piss up and i live on a pretty middle classy sort of it's not even that it's fine and by the fucking time boy adam by 2 a.m though there's a massive fucking kickoff and three of it's not even that, it's fine. And by... I'll tell you what, Adam, by 2am though, there was a massive fucking kick-off and three of the houses were on the green, having it out. So, it looks a little bit middle-class.

That was legally allowed within two metres of you! I'd twat you, Brian! Someone got bitten, so... What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the girls, one of the girls on the street saw this and she was like,

yeah, it really went weird. I got bitten. I was like, well, that, yeah. One of the girls on the street, I saw this woman, she was like, yeah, it really went weird. I got bitten. I was like, well, that's not socially distant. I think when you know you've got bite marks, social distance. Yeah, it was a mess because, of course, alcohol added to a fucking afternoon tea party. Yeah, fair enough, VE Day might be a bullshit excuse, but people needed to connect.

However, I had alcohol alcohol in there and then all the social distancing goes out kids don't understand etta doesn't understand she's three she didn't get it she's like oh i like that person gonna go over to them you're like no darling and then inevitably like oh god it's gonna be interesting though if there's not a big spike in i don't know what's gonna happen this week because that should really have had an effect in theory. Have you seen that France apparently has got a case that they've found and traced back to December

so that means it's possibly been in Europe since December which means there's a real possibility and Oxford University are leading the UK's fight against it and trying to create a vaccine Oxford University are working under the assumption that this virus has been in the UK since January.

I really don't want to be this guy, but at the end of January no, I'm not going to be that guy. Are you going to say you were dead sick? I had a absolutely mental three days. For three days in February. I was in a fucking

bad way. End of January. I remember exactly what I was. There was in a fucking bad way. End of January. There's now a possibility. Look, anyone who's listening to this who's getting a bit pissed off going, this is really bad. They've got a platform and they're spreading misinformation. None of what we're saying

should be taken as fact. None of it should be acted upon as if we know what we're talking about. We absolutely do fucking not. We're just saying, oh, I've seen this, whatever. Don't act on what we're talking about. We absolutely do fucking not. We're just saying, oh, I've seen this, whatever. Don't act on anything we're telling you. Go and look into it yourself. We don't read

enough. We don't know what's reliable. We don't know what we're talking about. But there's a possibility, based on what I've seen, that the UK has had this virus, and it's possible that me and you are now immune to it because we've had it and it's gone. Yeah. I don't want to be the guy because i i've i've seen tweets about it i've seen so many tweets but i'm pretty sure me and my family had this and you're like your whole family had it

your whole family and you've been seeing nana and she you've not and then she's fine but i i was absolutely floored at the end of January for three days with this fucking bug that I couldn't shake and I had and it it had all of the but not as bad as it sounds but then is that because I'm a fucking 39th or 38 at the time pretty healthy guy that doesn't smoke and has had no respiratory issues in my life of your physical state and age would not have had a severe problem you'd have just got very sick for a few days and then got over it i don't know i don't know but i tell you what it was probably not very responsible they're all the street boys but don't underestimate like how bad it is in other ways you know i don't know it's very very

difficult because you feel like you're excusing it but um there's other stuff going on i worry about like what long term is the effect on like on these kids like it's great that etta doesn't know but if you're a fucking eight-year-old and you're like right everyone has a germ don't go near fucking anyone don't touch them don't breathe on them do not breathe on them that must put a little bit of like coding in your fucking hard drive for later in life when you're like whoa god i really don't like hugging people i was stood in the queue earlier to get into the b&m to buy the cans of coke to mix with me rum and And a guy two metres in front of me, because everyone's spaced out,

he coughed and everyone in front of him turned round as if they'd heard a fucking gunshot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he forgot to do it into his elbow. He did it into his hand as well, which is fucking eggy, isn't it? Like, that is eggy at the minute. But the people in front of him couldn't see him but he went

and everyone went as if like someone had just gone give me your fucking money punk it's illegal to cough in someone's face as a joke what the fuck if you go up to a nana on the street and go you'll get knocked on by the

po-po-po but I mean isn't it I know yeah but it's you'll get knocked on by the popo. Are you sure? What a fucking weird thing to do. But I mean, isn't it? I know, yeah, but it's... That should happen anyway. That shouldn't be a COVID thing. If you're going over, splurting in people's nan's face,

even without any infection. What's the hip-hop song? Let me clear my throat. Let me clear my throat. And when it goes... So, yeah, that can't be played in discos for a while. I've got another have-away trip, but I can't be arsed. We'll do it on Monday.

Adam, I'm very proud of you. I'm very proud of me. I'm proud of you i'm very proud of me i'm proud of us that has been about 42 fucking extra podcasts in seven weeks it was a joke that got out of hand and has been on more than one occasion quite testing as my my wife has gone you're gonna go and do a podcast again i'm like yes it's my job and i think everyone will hear an improvement in in not an improvement because i think we've been doing the job but i think you'll see the benefit of it we're gonna be it's gonna be more a bit a heartfelt thank you to everyone who supported us this far

whether that's someone who signed up to the patreon someone who has sponsored us someone who has bought from our sponsors and kept them happy or whether you're someone who's just been downloading and listening to them and telling your mates about it, we're grateful for all of you. We'll be back on Monday, Wednesday and Friday next week, Wednesday exclusively for our Patreon members. We're so, so,

so grateful for you getting us this far and we guarantee to keep you entertained for the rest of this fucking nonsense. Now, Dan, I forgot. Yes, can I just play Let Me Clear My Throat? Can I put that on the end of the tube? Please.

For the last lockdown lock-in, you forgot to do a song. I've literally been singing it as you were talking. I don't own the rights to the song. Get sued. No, they, no. No, they won't. We won't get sued.

We won't get sued. Play Tilly Norella by Sometime Today again. That was a good one. How will we get sued? We might get sued if we play someone else's song without permission. Can we roll the dice on it? No.

Do you want them to come and take all the earnings from oh my god let me clear my throat you're a bitch boy you're a bitch boy now I'm definitely not doing that

go and have a run go and have a run you little lad have a nice night be nice to Jade you be nice to Jade have a nice night be a nice drunk I will do I'm going to get some

salt and pepper chicken as well because I'm starving treat yourself alright buddy I'll see you Monday we start recording at half three

and it's half five oh yeah I've got to go and be a family person bye bye Felicia bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye Oh, yeah. I've got to go and be a family person. Bye. Bye, Felicia. Bye! One, two, three, come on!

We got DJ Kool and Duck, get fresh! Rock it to the beat, because we are the best! We got Ducky Fresh and Biz Marquis! Rock it to the beat, in the place to be! We got Biz Marquis and DJ 20, so hit me with the horns and make that money! Let me see those hands in the air Here we go now Everybody jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump

Everybody jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump Come on, some of y'all know how to do this Some of y'all don't Some of y'all might be with us Some of y'all won't, but listen Let me hear my throat I know I'm gonna fly. The ladies in here feel like fruit with a cup. I'm in love. I'm all shook up. Yo, let it rest on my, my, my ass.

Yo, get on the mic and do the best you can. On video. Yo, say what? On video. Say what? Here we go. Jammin' and crappin' the body, people lookin' crazy. No, I can see what GMC was born for.

Triggin' and breakin', no mistake in the identity. You know the man with the plan and the remedy. Slowin' down, blowin' down, quick rhythm. Sexism, magnetism, a beast. I feel like a quarter of my faithful supporters. Grab the tapes and start to go on Try to play with other rhythm, I know But I got a chance here, let me clear my throat

Come on y'all, let's go I'm a little bit hot, I hope you don't mind Let me clear my throat Cause if you think that you're the one I should run from She'll feel, burn me near, brother, my team Now y'all love us, and we love y'all So walk it up and save yourself if you're having a problem Puerto Rico, black people, white people

All people, yeah Put two niggas in the air, get them up Put two niggas in the air, get them up When I say two, you say pop Two, pop, two, pop When I say two, you say pop Two, pop, you say pop Are y'all tired yet? Are y'all ready to quit?

Are y'all tired yet? Can I rock this hip? Back to the rhythm of the funky jam DJ Kool and Kool I am so rockin' Yeah, yo, stop it It funky jam DJ Kool is who I am, so Why can't you just stop? It's your DJ Kool with your I ain't been talking to your shit, darling I'm in a party

I'm in a hustle, getting up, calling For you and your crew DJ Kool, like the whole week, they're doing so Here we go, check the floor, there we go Yeah, I'm that beast, I like the whole damn show To the beat, if you're partying And if y'all got the party is right where you standing at right now, and it's all good in here, let me clear my throat Oh, have mercy, baby, I hope you love my joke Let me clear my throat Get your hands in the air, if you in here

And your faces, I love you Now we need some music, I might show me Yeah Yeah Yeah Somebody make some noise and then join me!