Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #55 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

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It's win-win. So do us a favour, pause the pod here, go and do that now and then enjoy the episode. Nice one. See you in a bit. Fucking did it in one take, bro.

Yeah, man. Now, I'm getting the word not. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. Catch me outside! How about that? I'm big-boned! I'm heavy-structured! I'm hung low! If I pull my shit out this whole room get dark! Disgusting!

It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two leads and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Word. Oh, baby, I love your way i wanna be with you night and day how are you good thanks mate good yeah getting a little bit uh uh i uh yeah just a little bit antsy there because uh laura laura's working listen i know i've said it before she works quite hard but it's starting to take the piss a bit now i'm just like i've got a fucking podcast to do get off the laptop she's like no

but it's my job i'm like oh shut up it's a podcast mate come on this is your job it's my job this is my job bitch get off my computer we probably make about the same amount of money from it the household income is probably pretty evenly split except i'm like yeah but if that's the case and there's an equal divide there really priority should be the one that one of us likes like you don't like your job and i do fucking like my podcast give me the laptop the child's in there enjoy being a mother bye-bye and then uh i've just got an email from our african voiceover lady have we yeah can i ask for a couple more bits like she's available her i will record anything for you is fadala now i obviously things are crazy this is pre pre-rona you could just get her to say

something for five dollars and i was never a dick about it. I paid $20, which is like express delivery and also an HQ file. I thought I'm going to pay you four times what your minimum is because I want to be a good shit. I don't want to be like, look, it's like 200 words. Can you say it? So I thought I'm going to do that. Did it the first time? Absolutely no problem. I've done it maybe twice since. And I thought today we're starting the shutdown. The shutdown dailies are gone. I would like to get the branding on point. So they all syncs, right? Because that's the kind of little pernickety shit, not OCD. I like that sort of pernickety shit. It's not the shutdown dailies. I don't want it to sound like the shutdown dailies. I don't want it to look like

the shutdown dailies. So I'm like, fuck, I want to get that sorted sent her the thing like I always do less words than is like her limit and she's gone what about if you pay me $80 for professional broadcast rights oh my god fuck off so I was like sorry I can't afford that

because we're just a little old podcast and we're just we don't make no money we're just doing it for the love I can't afford, Drona hit me hard, oh shit I can't even answer the email that you just sent, Drona's

fucking up my fingers, I can't type I'm like oh fuck off, and I tell you what if she digs her heels in, this sounds so white, I will find another African lady who is happy to work for $20. How's that? Just pay her. Nah.

She's... Nah. I'm not joking. It's four sentences. It's a little... It's just a little update. If it was a full script, I'd be like, I'm like, fuck off, mate.

Come on. The only thing is, if we pay you now, this sounds so bad. If you pay them once, they'll want to be paid again. I'm talking about voiceover artists. But we'll want more updates going down the road. I can't be like fucking broadcast rights every time. So I'm going to need a little bit more money. Mate, it's about, come on,

it's just a load of lids. It doesn't affect you. What the fuck? So, yeah, that got my back up. I don't know why. Because that's exactly the same type of bullshit. We're self-employed. You have to sort of go, well, what about you fuck off? But she just has to speak for 35 seconds. It's not a rough gig,

that is it. $20. Do you know what I i mean if she had to drive to like bumble's fuck east yorkshire i'd be like yeah fair enough i'll pay you fucking petrol money from africa yeah that's a hell of a journey though oh it's not do you know what in fact that's an easy i would say she she she'd be she'd have to charge at least 100 quid if she was gonna drive drive from Zimbabwe to East Yorkshire. Yeah, and you've also got to think the money that she'd give Adam Rushton as a fucking agent. Who the fuck is that guy?

I wish I had the button. Who the fuck is that guy? Yeah, so I'm all good, and I am excited about the all-new new schedule and i had a nice day off yesterday how are you i saw some of your tweets and i was like oh bojo oh boris oh boris johnson he's uh he's he's i didn't feel like you were happy from your social media no it's not that i'm not happy it's just that it doesn't make any fucking sense does it like no it doesn't make any sense it was very clear like i've seen a lot of people say oh so unclear what they want no it's very clear what they want but it doesn't make any

sense they want people to go back to work to work with strangers in an office with no air conditioning but don't you dare go and have a cuppa with your fucking dad and your ma and your brother and your sister. That's fucking dangerous, that. I think the thing I've seen straight away with the new slogan that has now been picked up by so many people is the change from red to green. Oh, it's so subliminal.

It's so sneaky. But it's not even Oh, it's so subliminal. It's so sneaky. But it's not even sneaky because it's so fucking obvious. It's gone from stop to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what those colours mean. It's fucking bananas. And they said they're going to add some clarity today.

Dominic Raab has given three speeches today and contradicted himself every time he did a new one. There's, like... Does it feel like, when they do these things, you'd think, it feels like Boris Johnson's the kind of, like, cool kid at school, and they've got to do this presentation, and it's, that's the time.

And he's like, oh, no, don't worry about it. Get the fucking gist of it. It really feels like, at about five o'clock, they were like, guys, we really need to probably fucking do it now. Get off your phone, Dominic. We're going to really fucking of it. It really feels like at about five o'clock they were like, guys, we really need to probably fucking do it now. Get off your phone, Dominic. We're going to really fucking do it. Because it just is messy. That is what they

want you to think. Now, I know that's what a conspiracy theorist says, but that's what they want you to think. They want you to think this is all ill thought out and they really don't know what they're doing and blah, blah, blah. It's bullshit. They know exactly what they're doing. So they want us to think they're fuckwits.

It's a weird strategy, isn't it? No, that's exactly what they want, though. Because now, with the new slogan and the change from red to green, they've still said stay at home as often as possible, but go out for unlimited exercise. Go and sit in the park if you want. Have a little few Proseccos on a picnic. Go and do what you need to do. Play sport.

Play sport. Play sport, but with your family. Yeah, I've bought Jade some shin pads. She's getting a fucking two footer than kneecap, mate. Honestly, we're going to play a bit of NFL, household NFL, and I reckon I'm going to do pretty well against Etta as a defensive lineman. I'm like, fucking yes, mate.

In my tinfoil hat opinion, what they want is... They're still going for herd immunity, just in their own way. They're trying to hide it, and now what they want... Apparently it was leaked from a government advisor that the stay at home has been too effective. That's why they're changing it,

because not enough people have got coronavirus. So they want more people to get it. Can we just clear up for everyone that's listening around the world, because we know our download figures, and it's not just a British podcast. So, until now, it's been very clear. I mean, done in a bumbly fucking Tory way, which is the way of it at the moment with the Tories,

but, like, stay at home, save lives. It's been a red font on yellow, and it's been quite clear. But now, there's been a lot of leakage hasn't it like all week through the press i don't know if they were leaking or people were just speculating but it it very much felt like oh things are going to change on may the 11th things are going to change and on the face of it what was announced yesterday you'd listen to what was said and it was quite small like if you can't work from home if you're in construction or manufacturing if you have to go to work please avoid public public transport but you can do a little bit more exercise but they it was very small amounts of like easing on the face of it

but the general feel like like adam was saying about the coloring and the why have we lost stay at home and now it's stay alert and save lives and everyone's pissed off like there feels like you're like it's neither one thing or the other you're not you're not coming out and going we need to ease the lockdown for the economy but at the same time like they are easing it it's just such a strange grey area. Poland suggests at the minute that the general consensus in the country is that saving lives is more important than saving the economy. That's what the public believe.

So if they are seen to be prioritising the economy over lives, they'll essentially lose voters at the next election, which is the last thing they want. So that's why the only thing that has stayed from the last slogan is save lives. So it's why the only thing that has stayed from the last slogan is save lives. So it's gone from stay

at home, protect the NHS, save lives. We've lost the first two for stay alert, control the virus, save lives is still there. Because what their advisors have gone is whatever you do, do not deviate from the point we're saving lives. That's what the country

wants at the minute. But basically, our government want herd immunity. They want as many people to get it as possible because they then believe we'll all be immune to it for at least a couple of years and in that time we can get a vaccine and in that time we can open the economy again. The stay at home slogan

has been, in their opinion, too effective. Now, it's very easy for us all to go, too effective? 50, cunts, 50,000 people are fucking dead. And that's absolutely right. That's absolutely the side I'm on. But from their point of view, the NHS has been at about 45% capacity in terms of coronavirus.

What they want is it at 99%. If it's at 99%, that means the NHS is still within capacity. It can still cope with everyone that's coming in. Everyone that comes the nhs is still within capacity it can still cope with everyone that's coming in everyone that comes in there's still a bed for them that's what they want they don't want there to be a single person who can't get a bed but because then people die then a lot of people will die as soon as you're in that awful situation that they were in in lombardi in italy where they ran out of beds and they were having to make the because they had no preparation in italy it hit them like a fucking tsunami and they had to make

decisions between like oh jesus fuck well that guy's 60 and that guy's 70 un-fucking-lucky giuseppe the respirators go into that guy like they don't want to be in that situation but right now mental to say this it's been so effective, they've fucking furloughed some of those Nightingale hospitals. The one in London is just sat empty. There's like, was it 4,000 beds? So essentially the Tories are going, oh, no, oh, okay, hang on a minute. Bloody hell, we've prepped for the fucking Rona.

Every cunt's going to get it. And the poor people, they're going to get these things anyway. They're dirty. They touch each other. They're dirty. They touch each other. They're smoking. They're wanking each other off in, you know, low-rent streets. I mean, they've got to get it. Let's let them get it a bit more.

I mean, easy. Yeah, mental. You know what? I'm not a fan of conspiracy, but I like that. I don't think that's tinfoil hat. I think that's reading between the lines. Yeah, not enough people are getting it fast enough. That's the way they're looking at it.

The way they're looking at it is, at the minute, what's going to happen is everyone who's going to get it is going to get it, but it's going to take a much longer period of time if they kept the stay-at-home slogan. Well, the country will be through the fucking floor because everyone stayed at home. The economy is in the tank. And then everyone's like, comes out in November,

like, oh, we're allowed out now. And then at Christmas, like, there's a lot of COVID-19 for Christmas, isn't there? Like, yeah. Oh, it's so, it's such a brutal situation to be and be like, ah, but you need to earn. But fuck, whole people are important, but I need a job.

But, oh God, I want to do gigs, but, oh God god granddad's still alive but oh he's had a good inning that slogan that they've introduced and the new policy which is as fucking clear as mud um i think means that i'm probably slightly wrong now i think it's going to be september october that we're back gigging i'm going to come forward a little bit on my prediction oh my god Oh my god. You know, if you didn't see the announcement yesterday, they had like a number blocks thing of like,

when it goes down from five to four, it's good and then it's at three and it's green. And what we really want is one and then we can all have orgies again. So now Adam's got a complimentary a little gigometer and he was all negative before and it was at november

december and now it's come down to it's come down to october maybe september that's exciting isn't it yeah what's the what's the very bottom just doing a gig tomorrow fuck it just doing in a park with everyone like oh if they open their intention at the minute is for pubs and restaurants to open on the 1st of July. Now that is apparently conditional and it might change and whatever, but that's their current plan. So if, like with social distancing, if restaurants and pubs are going to open

on the 1st of July, if that happens, I can't see it being a full six months before we can put a gig on after. Do you know what I mean? There's a lot, yeah, but there's a lot of ifs buts and maybes but it's i mean if you're pontificating it would almost be a waste of time to be like well let's discuss all the ifs buts and maybes well we all know that if there's shit loads of rona knocking about in the summer all of those rules change and if there's none then they're going to be relaxed but you've you can basically go on on where we're going now this trajectory i think it's going to be about the club and whether just talking about comedy clubs

restaurants and pubs is is too is too but just comedy club wise just as a point of reference it's going to be down to the individual promoter and the room isn't it if they can make the room run with 40 people on lower wages with a skeleton staff with social distancing I think hot water fucking opens straight away and they'll turn around to you I asked Paul Blair I asked the owner of hot water comedy club yesterday and I hope he

doesn't mind me saying this because this was like off the record obviously and this is not official policy this is just chat but I said to him how many people would the government have to allow you to have in your basement for you to open? So, if the government said you can have, their

basement holds 224 people. That's how many seats there are. Can I have a guess? Is this Paul or Binti? Paul. Now, I think even 110, you'd say, if it was half, I think we'd all take half fees and half rooms,

but is it going to be more strict than that? I reckon under 60, I don't know if Paul would do it under 60 people. That's like nearly a quarter full. Is it 100? He said it would need at least 100 to be able to justify opening. And even then, he would only open over weekend. So at the minute, for those who don't know,

Hot Water Comedy Club is open seven nights a week. On Wednesdays, there's two shows. On Thursdays, there's two shows. Friday, there's two shows. And Saturday, there's often six shows. Jesus. Sometimes. Friday there's two shows and Saturday there's often five, six shows sometimes but midweek Hot Water Comedy Club

is free entry so they don't make any money from ticket sales, it's all just on the bar and the bar roughly makes them a bit of profit after paying all the staff, all the electricity and paying the few hundred quid they pay the comedians. Midweek they make a little bit of money,

but at 100 people, it's difficult because they're normally packed midweek because it's free. However, on a weekend, they charge about 18 quid a ticket. So then they would make a bit of money, even at 100 people. Right. Also, you've got to think about atmosphere. You've got to think about atmosphere. And in restaurants in Italy,

they've put little perspex fucking like almost like office cubicles like people are working in a fucking call centre you just can't do that with comedy clubs you just can't it's a communal experience you don't have to be like licking your fucking neighbour but what you could do I think out of hot water which

it wouldn't be ideal because comedy works best when everyone's packed as close together as possible but you could fill that room with 100 people by going one seat full, one seat empty, one seat full, one seat empty. And that wouldn't be that bad. Do you know what I mean? What about the row in front of you?

What about the row in front of you? They're very close, aren't they? The people sat in front. Yeah, but you'd just have to stagger it so that the one in front of you is empty. Right, so they'd be on little, like a little chess board pattern sort of thing. It'd be like brick wall.

Where like the middle of two bricks overlaps the one brick on the other one. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think it's a chess board analogy. Chess doesn't make sense, does it? Like a drafts board, you know? Like white, black, white. I don't think they're going to be doing a

part-time at the comedy club. Oh! I knew there was a joke coming! There had to be! It was just a matter of time. I thought Adam's really getting pissed off about chess boards. He was just waiting to do a fucking silly joke. Yeah, he's back! Woo!

Oh dear, fuck me. Can you just wait there? John, how many black people we got in so far? 48. Right, we can have two of you as the rest of you need to go. This is why you shouldn't have morons working the door, really. It feels traditional, but in many ways, right. So, basically, I've been told it's like a chess, you know,

like black, white, black, white, black, white. So, it's fucking difficult. 90% of black white black white black white so it's fucking difficult 90% of these people are white here I don't know what we're going to do with it right there's an Asian guy here what are we doing with him you're fucking the system up pal

oh my god there's going to be no old people at these gigs for fucking ages isn't there like old people at these gigs for fucking ages. Is there, like, old people at comedy? The fuck? They're the worst people at comedy clubs anyway, though. Enjoyable. They're either asleep or being borderline fucking racist

or just like, oh, I don't know. I don't like that comedy. Oh, Jesus. I thought they'd want us back in comedy clubs, you know, if they really want to fucking mess with herd immunity. Comedy clubs in Liverpool, it's unlikely the Tories are going to be too bothered about them, aren't they?

Like, oh, well, get them in there. Let them play. They can't come out and say it, can they? They can't come out and go, right, you know what? We've looked at the data and we're not that arsed anymore. So do whatever you want, especially in towns that are majority Labour. This is where

we want we've really done the research and although you may have read some articles this is where we think Covid-19

has almost no effect Newcastle-upon-Tyne Sunderland Liverpool Central Manchester some of the North West of England like brilliant Central Birmingham essentially wherever you can hear Liverpool, central Manchester, some of the northwest of England. Brilliant.

Central Birmingham. Essentially, wherever you can hear a dump valve and techno music in cars, that's where COVID-19 doesn't have an effect. Go out there, share a cigarette, share a needle. Do what you love to do. Now then, lads, I want to tell you about Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car body work and customisation services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire. Basically, these guys can sort your wheels out.

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I'm going. I'm getting my saving. These guys are amazing. Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Get them on Facebook, Insta, online one lids I don't know about you, but I'm feeling triggered. It must be have a word with Adam and Dave What you got for me, baby? Oh many many things John C Has got in touch and he says I don't know if this is

appropriate, but during the dark times comedian Bobby Mair posted something on Twitter like, it's tough at the moment if anyone is struggling, DM me. So I did and exchanged maybe 10 direct messages with Bobby Mair and it really helped me. I don't have his permission to make the call out, so

I'm just hoping he's okay with it. I just like to nominate Bobby Mare for ledge of the day, just a mad simple thing to do, but it's helped me massively. So basically John C just wants to give out a shout out to Bobby Mare. And I, as soon as I read that,

I was like, Bobby Mare has done a bit of TV. He's a, he's a, he's a name in British comedy. And just, Bobby Mare is a fucking great guy. And he was in, when I did my episode of the stand-up sketch show on ITV2,

I did a routine about getting mugged while I was listening to S Club 7. And he played the mugger in my sketch. Bobby's great. He's in my sketch. Bobby Mayer. I didn't expect to be doing a ledge of the day that was a fucking comedian that we know and like. But Bobby Mayer is the ledge of the day that was a fucking comedian that we know and like but Bobby Mayer is the ledge of the day

golfers in England can play with one other person from outside their household from Wednesday according to updated government guidelines I'm going for a game of golf mate just every fucking every lid, like,

turning up in the fucking cap attraction. Hey, no, no, don't worry about it, mate. I know, I've not been a member before, but all of a sudden, quite fancy a bit of fucking golf, lad. No, I can use a tennis ball if I want.

Fuck off. I used to play golf when I was younger. I fell out. I fell away from playing it, but I'm going to get back into it. I've been wanting to get back into it for a while. Has there ever been a better time? Yeah. What courses have you got? Fucking, you've played

golf growing up. Mate, that's so contradictory to your working class. You know, I can make it work for us. So, we used to play in the summer the golf course would open at 8am we'd get on the golf course at 6am when the sun rose

so we'd play for free little fucking ne'er do well fucking fuck and what we would do there was a couple of ponds on Bowerham Park golf course, which is where I used to play. Sometimes we'd just go up in our clothes that we were happy to get ruined.

We would get in the ponds with a fishing net, run it along the bottom of the golf, get all the golf balls that had fell in there. The really good ones we'd keep for ourselves. And then the shit ones, there was a sandwich van halfway around the golf course that sold like bacon butties and stuff for the golfers right yeah and they sold golf balls four for a pound and they would buy them off you for six for a pound so they made a bit of profit on it so if you went up to the van with six golf balls they'd give you a quid so we'd just go around the golf course find as many shit ones as we could take them to the van with six golf balls, they'd give you a quid. So we'd just go round the golf course, find as many shit ones as

we could, take them to the van, and sometimes we'd take like 60 golf balls and go, yeah, mate, they're all shit, they're all battered, but he'd buy them anyway. And he'd give you the tenner. Fucking hell. Wow. There you go. You made it really fucking... Hey, who dares, Rodney? Hey, who dares?

He's selling fucking sweets on the schoolyard. How are you a comedian? How are you not selling second-hand fucking cars? Right, no, no, we just go around the wrecking yard, right? When some of them shit the cars, we just get a big net, big fuck-up net, we grab all the cars, right? We just take them around, we just sell them to dickheads,

six for a pound. Go on. Go on, Nana Nana you drive away hey you go around the first corner it's not our problem at turn two fuck you now oh brilliant

love it you made it so scouse that started with you going you're Tory drop playing golf now now I'm the working class owner of the golf world

oh that I asked the African I hope the golf world I asked the African I hope she does that I asked the African lady to say oh Grandad Dave stop being such a Tory because I didn't think she'd say nonce

oh god alright Vincent and Dave love the pod just listen to Oh, God. All right, Vincent and Dave. Love the pod. Just listen to number 41, which mentions Chanel the parrot. Chanel! She is one of my neighbours, and I thought it might be worth a mention. The reason her parrot is called Chanel is because her dog is called Coco. So that's why it's called Chanel, because of Coco Chanel.

Coco Chanel. There you go. She's not just called a fucking parrot Chanel, Chanelington, for no reason. Someone else asked, in light of the Chanel thing and the woman who owns the fucking parrot, who's the most mental Chanel, Chanelington person you've ever met in your life? Have you ever come across some proper fucking crackpot? I grew up on a street full of them.

Yeah, Tony the Smackhead. At least he had a reason though, innit? But no, we had like non-Smackheads on our streets who were fucking mental. Our street, if you sat on a Saturday night on your step and just watched the street you could guarantee that was better than watching whatever was on the fucking telly it was like eastenders couldn't write the storylines that went on in our streets

eastenders would have had to wait for netflix to do the dove cut version there was a fella who was cheating on his pregnant bird with the next door neighbour in our street. And then his pregnant bird threw a fucking Molotov cocktail through the other one's window. Do do do do do do

do do do do do do do fucking hell. You know life has gone a bit weird when you have to reach over your bump to make a molotov cocktail i mean i'm not like life has already gone a bit weird if you'll make if you're like right and i put the petrol in this bottle and then i get the bit of cloth but if you're doing that like and you're moving baby formula and nappies to get the molotov cocktail on the counter something's gone fucking mental it was so incestuous as well so next door to us um was a couple called angela and jimmy but they were next door to our right two doors to our left was ang's sister, Sharon and her husband and her kids.

Yeah. And then, um, about eight street, eight, eight houses to our right, maybe 10 was Carl and Julie and their kids. And Carl was Angela and Sharon's brother.

And over the road for us was Anne and George. And George was Sharon Angela and Carl's cousin and then two doors down from Anne and George was Anne's sister and her husband

and their kids so like what would happen was they're still there? They're probably still there. It was so family-orientated that, like, if you ended up having murder, like, because all the kids were similar ages, so if I

ended up having a fight with one of the kids, the whole street was all their cousins. So I'd end up fighting with fucking all of them. Do you know what I mean, though? I'd end up fighting with fucking all of them. Do you know what I mean, though? I'd end up fighting with my mate, Lee. He was my mate, but when you're kids, you fight. But then he's got his brother, Barry,

and then he's got Carl and David and Bernard, his cousins who all live in the streets. You've got Sophie and Chloe next door. I love them all now. They're all lovely, the dead sound. But we'd have murder all the time. And if you fought with one of them, you had fucking 15 of them outside your house.

It's just easier to marry into it, isn't it? Come on now. You're 12 and we keep having the fucking back door kicked in. So you're going to have to marry one of these. We need you in the fucking family tree. Around the corner from us was my auntie and my uncle Peter. Literally, like, if you walk to the corner of our road, you could see their house.

It was that close. They had four kids. But we, like, they were my cousins. Then over the road from them was Kelly, which was my auntie and uncle's daughter. She had about six kids of her own. Me auntie Carol, who I ended up living with, lived round the corner.

Me granddad lived around the corner. Dovecot is a fucking cesspice of incestual relationships. Like three and a half families for about half a mile, half a square mile of Liverpool. I'm not even messing. Right. Yeah. And then there was other families as well that we barely got involved with, but they'd have fucking

screaming rows in the streets. If one of them had a drink, there was a woman called Irish Mary who, she wasn't Irish, but she had an Irish family. And she had a few daughters and sons and they, every now and then, Irish Mary would get drunk and throw one of her daughters out and it'd be six o'clock in the morning and you'd

be fucking, you'd get a little shit house crack in your blinds so you could have a little look out the blinds but they can't see you. It was like, Fuck you, Mum! No, you're a fucking slag! I'll fucking kill you, you daft twat and then it was a day later that all happy families again it was like fucking brookside the old scouse um soap that was a documentary mate that was that wasn't written i've got nothing nothing anywhere near like that I wish I could show you the street

I grew up in Penwitham in Preston I think we were the roughest family like I can't remember any stories about being rough it's because all the neighbours are like oh my god they're so common awful little cunts I like it I went to college with a girl who I think was full-on mental she she lied we got to

sixth form and she told us she's from a different school and she didn't know anyone and she obviously was mental and decided that that was you know like i can be a whole new person and decided she'd just fucking make it up she's like yeah i've got um an identical twin and we were like wow wow and she's gone to another college she was like yeah what's the name and whatever name we were like oh that'd be amazing why would you like you wouldn't instantly be like bullshit so this twin would just keep coming up and we're like are we ever gonna you got a picture of her and she was like um she doesn't like having a picture taken we're like all right got no pictures together no no i've got i got a picture of her and she was like um she doesn't like having a picture taken we're like all right got no pictures together no no i've got i bring a picture in with her

she came in a couple of days later with a picture of her in a different act you've never seen me this is the picture of my sister she's identical i was like oh she really is identical i was like the same black guy this bitch fucking crazy this is the best bit she obviously people's now started thinking she was a bullshitter she decided that this lie had got out of hand and she killed her sister off she was like my sister's died did you hear it did you read in the paper my sister's died we were like oh some of the girls didn't weren't didn't want to call her either like you don't know she could just like a sister she says the sister's died and a lot of us were like

that bitch fucking crazy that bitch fucking crazy oh she is? Michelle. Michelle, she was called. Do you know what ghosty in a bike is? A ghosty in a bike? Yeah, if you're on a bike and you ghosty the bike, do you know what that means? Steal it. Make it disappear. What? Yeah, there's those scouse magicians

who just sit at the street level. Liverpool magicians who just sit at the street level. Liverpool-y. Liverpool magicians. My fucking bike's gone. Fucking can't. Oh, you daft cunts. What does it mean? So, if you ghost your bike,

it means you jump off the bike and the bike keeps going as if a ghost is riding. Right, right. It makes sense now. ghost of your bike, it means you jump off the bike and the bike keeps going. Right, right. It makes sense now. Why would you do that though? Do you know why I don't know the meaning? Because sometimes, just for the laugh, to see how far you can get your bike to go, but it could also be used as a weapon. Oh my god.

There was a fella in Dovecote, I won't say his name, but he was a fucking hard bastard. And someone was being a prick to one of his kids or something. And he just swatted them. He just fucked them off. He was like, don't fucking do that to my kids. And he beat them up.

And about an hour later, he's standing outside his house. And obviously the people who he's battered have got friends. And one of them come on a motorbike, a full dirt bike and ghosted the bike at him and broke his leg. Drove the bike towards him. Ghosted a motorbike. Jumped off it. Basically, they basically shot him with a bike. And we're still annoyed.

You fucking scratched me bike, you little rat! I've got bits of leg on me bike now. He ghosted a fucking cross... Oh, dear. I think someone on our street voted Liberal Democrat once. Oh, my God. Similar story. That's weird, isn't it? Similar story.

Have we got anything else? Yeah. We've got a... We've got a stand-up question. We've got some would-you-rathers. Pick your pie then. What do you fancy? Let's have a stand-up question.

All right. And then we'll do at least one, would you rather? Harry Robinson. Hi, lads. Quick one. Considering you rinsed my hymen joke back in episode 34, it got me thinking, are there any jokes you told right at the start of your careers

that you're deeply embarrassed about now? Most of them. The kind of jokes that would make the council of comedians revoke your comedy license if they heard it oh fucking loads i had a fictional pedophile uncle called charlie uncle pedo in his notebook uncle pedo's coming out tonight they look they look good they look like an uncle pedo kind of crowd um so what was it? I had this pedophile uncle called Charlie and one of me jokes was

one time Uncle Charlie told me that I was his favourite nephew. I was touched. But you know, it's always nice to be someone's favourite so swings and roundabouts that's very touchy

a lot of me I've never had much luck with women a lot of me friends these are going on YouTube these will be announced on YouTube. I've never had much luck with women. A lot of my mates, you know, they've got girlfriends and wives now.

The only bed I've got just sits in its cage all day making fucking noises. She calls it a kitchen, but you know. I used to do that in front of paying customers. That was April last year. Some of the bullshit you've got when you start out. So cringy. I mean, I've been going so long that even stuff I was doing...

You were doing stuff about the war, weren't you? Yeah. You know, you ever notice with rationing? You ever notice with rationing? Yes, we have no bananas on a ukulele. I got... Jonathan Mayer once complained about one of my bits of material. And he said it was,

uh, really aggressive and misogynistic. And Jonathan's a mate of mine and he's campus Christmas. And he's, if you've never seen Jonathan Mary's, um, he's, he's gay.

He's uber gay. He wears a fucking, he wears brooches. There you go. That sums it up. And he's very like, Oh darling, brooches. There you go, that sums it up. And he's very like, oh, darling, I'm darling. But we've always got on brilliantly, and we've always been really supportive of each other.

Stand-up started at a similar time, but it was really rare for him to say something like that. Because I told a story, I'm cringing, right? I'm already cringing, just retelling it, about when I slept with this girl and she could squirt. And I just recounted the story. We basically had a one night stand

and she was very, very sexually confident. And she said that in the buildup, didn't that thing of being dead sexy, like, I'm a squirter. And I was like, like oh i was totally out of my depth i literally remember now she was hot but frightening and i was like oh god i don't know what you're meant to say to that like brilliant oh i'll bring me rain back i don't know what you meant to say to it and then she was like yeah people tell me i taste like vanilla people be lying to you

people taste bad and again i don't know what you meant to say to that but i was like because i i was already at an age that this is probably about 25 at this point i was already at an age i realized if you can tell you're on to a winner it doesn't matter if you don't know what you're doing don't say something that fucks up that's great life advice if a girl's like i am gonna shag you don't be like let's do some banter about it no no no no just go quiet and don't ruin it don't go so quiet like oh he's a mute he's gone retarded but just just it's the old um like, transfer motto, isn't it? Like, people who, like, transfer football players

and baseball players and stuff in America, their attitude is, as soon as you get the answer you want, you hang up. Yeah. So just be like... I want that player. Yeah, you can have him. Cool, bye.

Send your paperwork. I'm going to have sex with you. I'm going to fuck you. Okay, cool. Come now. Okay, good. I won't talk to any of my mates or you again just take me home so i taste like vanilla i was like wicked didn't know what i was like brilliant i like vanilla

that's good so anyway we we went back to hers and she was very like you know she was trying to be and she probably was very sexually confident and and i was fine it's great fun good fun and then i'd sort of forgotten what she told me and as she was getting close's great fun good fun and then i'd sort of forgotten what she told me and as she was getting close to the point of orgasm which i don't think i'd had loads to do with i think she was well in charge of this and she was like oh i'm gonna come i'm gonna come and then she went i'm gonna come and then she went drink me Drink me. And I'm not joking, Adam. Do you know what I said?

I swear on my life, this is what I went. I went, what? In my Lancashire accent. I went, what? And she went, drink me. And I was like, oh, yeah. So I'm like, oh. And I just, I was like oh yeah this works i'm like oh and i just i was like oh get down oh i was like and it was oh it was oh oh it was bitter oh it was bitter it was i don't know it was like

i was like oh wow she was like did you enjoy that i was like i wanted to be like not really don't do that again it's in my facial hair and the joke that i did the joke that i did on stages all i'm saying is that that did not taste like vanilla because if i went to mcdonald's and I got a milkshake that tasted like that, I'd have to see the fucking duty manager. And Jonathan Mayer took me to the side and went, darling, that's very aggressively anti-women. I was like, right.

Right, isn't it? Oh, I don't know. It's just one of those bits. It's one of those bits that retelling it now on a podcast feels very safe because I'm just trying to make you laugh, but on stage. Also, I was about five years in, and you could tell people, like, you don't have the ability to tell this story. I was like, still going to try it anyway.

Let me ruin your Saturday night. That is funny as fuck. I'm telling you, there's nothing wrong with that story. There's nothing wrong with it, as far as I'm concerned. And even if there was, who the fuck's he to tell you that you can and can't do a bit? Also, I cannot tell you the degree... You see how I've just laughed then? Yeah.

At that story. That's how I'd have laughed if I was you in that situation. If I was fucking a girl, I find dirty talk really sexy sometimes, but it only takes a little slight misstep, a slight toe out of the rhythm for me to find it very funny and cringy.

Right? I've had girls that spank me, spank me, and I'm like, okay, hit me, hit me harder, tug on me hair, spit in me eye, and then as soon as she says the one that just gets me, I'm like, okay, kill it. They'll hit me, hit me harder, tug on me hair, spit in me eye, and then as soon as she says the one that just gets me, I'm gone. My erection is just like, I think I'm going to bow out for the video, mate.

If I start laughing sexually, I can't stop. What would it be in that situation? Go on, leather me. Give me a good walloping. It just doesn't sound right in most British accents, does it? No. Drink me would have finished me. I'd have rang Carl before I come.

I'd have rang Carl and gone, lad, I'm shagging this bitch. She told me to drink her. Drink me. My favourite bit is, and I remember going, eh, what? Because I'd literally forgotten the conversation.

I'll be honest, guys, now that Adam's laughed that much of it, that's probably my new closer. So I'm saying jokes that I'm embarrassed about from the past, but it turns out it's one of my best bits. I had some really hacky, genuinely sexist stuff when i started to stand up i was 18 i knew nothing about the world i i'd learned what i knew about being funny from watching comedians and also getting text jokes by me fucking uncles and shit they're a good start it's how stuart lee started i think though stuart lee i mean think that's what he said some of the shit I said

was fucking abysmal and I I'm not embarrassed by it I find it funny like the fact I used to say the only bird I've got sitting in its cage all day making fucking noises knowing who I am now

I find that so ridiculous that it's funny it's not embarrassing to me you're trying to find a line aren't you constantly is in stand-up you're trying to find the line of what you think is funny what other thing what other comedians are going to think of funny and what the audience is going to let you get away with you're constantly working out that line and the older you are in theory you'd be more experienced but sometimes you've just been literally beaten down by fucking vanilla audiences excuse the pun so you're like you just keep it all between the lines when you're young and you're working it out it's so wild it's like a boxer

even if you've got talent you there might be something in it but it's just fucking arms flailing and bouncing around and and that's what it's like watching some new comics they're like you don't know where there's comedy in there but it's so wild and like inappropriate one place there's a pedo joke there's a rape bit and there might be a good comedian in there and it's and you look back and you think god i said some weird shit just trying to work out where that line was fucking cringy some shit stuff i told this story for a while about um it was a true story as well there was when i used to work in the nightclub envy we'd finish work at like six seven o'clock in the morning and sometimes later there's a 20 there was at the time, a 24-7 cafe in Liverpool.

It was right by Lime Street Station. So what we'd do is we'd finish work, and then most of the staff would go from there, the 24-7 cafe, and get a breakfast before we went home to bed. Yep. And we went in there once, and there was this crackhead, just this smackhead fella just falling asleep on one of the tables. He had no other than anything. And the woman who ran it was just typical Scouse cafe owner.

Like if you were casting someone to play a Scouse cafe woman in a fucking play or in a sitcom or whatever, you'd cast this woman. And she goes, Hey, dickhead, don't be falling asleep in my cafe. Cause you'll get fucking latched out

by me. Don't think because there's no fucking security guard that I can't fucking handle you. Wake up and order something or get the fuck out of my cafe. And the fellow ends, I'm not falling asleep, love. I'm fucking meditating. I told that story for about five years.

It's good, though. It's still funny. It's such funny imagery. Such funny imagery. I've fallen asleep, love. I'm fucking bedridden. I'm bedridden. Oh, God.

I've freaked myself out with my own story. What do you want to do? A couple of would-you-rathers? Oh, sorry. Yeah? Yeah. Adam, would you rather be a Tory MP or a nonce? Same thing.

Next question. Would you rather only ever be able to talk too quickly, way too quickly, or way too slowly? Too quickly? Yeah. You get shit done then. Scousers speak naturally quite quickly. I'd rather be scoused than from Birmingham.

Any Birmingham listeners, I'm sorry if you're listening, but fucking speed up. You know what I mean? Like, it's just... You just take too long, don't you? Like, listen to this. Right. How many seconds is it going to take? Right. I went to the Chippy's the other day. I got salt and pepper chicken, chips, a carton of curry, and a barm. It was dead

nice. Yeah. I went to the Chippy's the other day. I got salt and pepper chicken, chips and curry and a bomb it was really nice that's such a fucking

amazing way like you can't argue with that if anyone's listening going god Adam's right they do speak slowly in Birmingham

they definitely do when Adam does a shit for me and talks slowly god Adam you're right they do there's people in Birmingham going fuck you you fucking rat When Adam does a shit Brummie accent and talks slowly. God, Adam, you're right. They do talk slowly.

There's people in Birmingham going, fuck you, you fucking rat. What do you think a Brummie accent does? It makes them sound a bit simple in places, but I have spoken to people. Mate, I've done coke with Brummies. So they're just, they're fast, simple. Do you know what I mean?

Like, fucking hell, I'm having a great time. You're having a great time. I'm having a fucking tub time. No. That's after cocaine. Alright, is that performance enhancing? They've been sped up by the cocaine, haven't they? Imagine a scouser on cocaine.

They're like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to go get some chips? We'll get back on the beach. We'll go to the office. We'll get some cans. We'll get some cider. We'll get some more limo. We'll get back on it. Get back on the tunes. Go and get those beers. We'll get back on the beat, get back on the beat, we'll go to the offy, we'll get some cans, we'll get some cider, we'll get some more limo, we'll get back on it, get back on the tunes, yeah, go and get those beers, we'll get those beers round, lad.

Hey, every scouser on Coke is essentially a drum and bass MC. A beatboxer. Put a fucking rhythm to it. What the fuck are you looking at? I'll fucking smash you up. The ending of his death though a slow accent, though. Yeah, but... No.

That's how they say no. No. Really? No's got two letters and definitely one syllable. They put eight O's in it and it's got four syllables. No. I just remember one of my old bits that was really hacky from back in the day

about being a northerner. And, like, you can basically, if you want to fake being northern... I'm so northern, I bleed gravy! Hey, me! Who's drinking gravy? Eh! Garlic? Nan!

That's my joke. That's my joke. I've changed that. You can get away with the northerner by just doing vowels. If you're a southerner in the north, you can just pick a vowel and run with it, and you'll get... E?

E. I. Oh, you. String them together. I. It's a mating call. Fucking shit. Is that what you used to do

yeah that's one of my that's one of my very first bits and then I tell you what though give northerners a credit they're fucking good

on countdown I'll have a vowel I'll have a vowel another vowel Carol this is Carol this is how old I've been vowel

another vowel that's fucking all vowels and then I've got a nine hey what is it it's how I met my first wife. I used to have a countdown bit as well.

Countdown's so good, isn't it? I used to have a bit where I said I'd watch it with me dad and then... I'd be so shit at it that I could never get a word so I'd just read the letters out as they were on the screen. I've got a nine, Dad.

Unpuff nuff guff. Unpuff nuff guff. That's so much funnier than nyan nyan nyan. Unpuff nuff guff. This podcast has ended funnier than it fucking started. I'll tell you that. Stay alert. Unpuff nuff guff.

That's in three weeks. That's going to be the Tory guidelines. Stay alive. Nuff puff nuff guff. Drink me. I've made my neck hurt. I've made my neck hurt. I've made my neck hurt. What?

Have you laughed a spasm into your neck? I pulled my neck. I really hurt Funny funny funny Is there any more Would you like this Right we're topping that are we I need a word from the sponsor And then we'll come back

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I mean I'm coughing because we've made ourselves laugh too much not because we've got a deadly pandemic like disease Stay nuff puff nuff guff Couple of things before we do the

have a word for today. We had an email from one of our regular listeners, Kieran, who's a bit pissed off with me because on Saturday's lockdown lock-in I invented a game that me and Dan played. If you haven't listened to Saturday's

episode yet, that's fine. I played a game called The Penis Size is Right, which was meant to be a twist on the classic The Price is Right. Apparently, I got my Brucey games mixed up because Bruce Forsyth hosted two TV shows. He hosted The Price is Right, but he also hosted Play Your Cards Right,

which is where the higher or lower came from. The Dick Case Dick Down, the showcase showdown that I did at the end, is from The Price is Right. I thought they were from the same TV show because I was like, oh, game shows with Bruce Forsythe, then. They all look the same.

It turns out they're two completely different ones. I'd like to apologize on behalf of me, Dan, and everyone associated with Havowood, the podcast, for mixing two Bruce Forsythe games up. Okay, Kieran, you fucking prick. Kieran, have a wank. Fucking chill out, mate. Very, very, very pleased

to announce we've now hit a lovely little milestone. We've got 400 people on our Patreon, which is just wonderful. Very, very proud of that. Thank you so much to every single person who signed up for that. That means 400 people are going to listen to the first ever Patreon

exclusive episode on Wednesday. So if you haven't heard the news so far, we're reducing our schedule a bit from today. There'll be two public episodes this week, this one, and another one on Friday. And if you want to listen to Wednesday's episode, you need to sign up to our Patreon at patreon.com

slash have a word pod. P-A-T-R-E-o-n dot com slash have a word pod and all patrons if you check the patreon website i've just posted a thread asking what you want us to talk about on wednesday if you comment under there if it's rude or a bit embarrassing send us a direct message on patreon it's basically like a direct line to the lids because there's going to be fewer people throwing things at us. It's way more likely that we're going to talk about your shit.

Yes. Also, for anyone who is a Patreon already and has sent us a direct message on Patreon that has thus far gone unanswered, we are now going to be paying a lot more attention to those and we're going to try and get back to as many messages as we possibly can, starting with the Patreon messages. So if you haven't had a reply yet to something you've asked or something you want us to do, that is

probably coming soon. And if you do send us a message on Patreon, it will get more attention than in other places. So do use that function. The final thing before we move on to today's Have A Word is that there's been a slight delay just through busy schedules and waiting for a few things to happen on the website being launched so the website will be ready in roughly a week's time from now so next monday we should have an announcement on that and that will be when we do the pre-sale on our first ever batch of have a word merch which is going to include hoodies, tees, and mugs. A few people have asked,

oh, there'll also be a poster, which people who are £10 patrons will get for free. We're going to contact you very, very soon about sending those out. A few people have asked recently, will there be any caps, like hats,

to be able to buy? There will be long-term. When we do our next merch run, we'll look at getting some caps. But on this first one, we're just going to focus on the T-shirts, hats to be able to buy. They will be long-term. When we do our next merch run, we'll look at getting some caps. But on this first one, we're just going to focus on the T-shirts, the hoodies, and the mugs for now.

And any new merch, we'll look at a bit further down. Yeah, we'll grow it. We'll change it. We'll have ideas. It'll grow as people want it. So it's not just always going to be the same merch. We'll change it up as we grow it.

The website will be ready, hopefully, this time next week. Definitely within the next two weeks, but we're aiming for this time next week. Final thing that a couple of people have messaged me privately on Twitter and stuff to ask is when are me and Dan going to be back in the same room together? And the answer to that is when we're allowed.

When the government tell us we're allowed to do it, when we feel like it's safe for us to do it, then we'll be back in the same room together? And the answer to that is when we're allowed, when the government tell us we're allowed to do it, when we feel like it's safe for us to do it, then we'll be back in the same room. We've already got plans for that as soon as it's possible. Yeah, we want to be back

in the same room together. We want to make sure we're doing the responsible thing, keeping ourselves safe and setting a good example. But as soon as we're allowed and we feel like it's safe to do so, that's when that'll happen.

It's time! It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems you have with your friends. This was gonna be the whole podcast. Now it's just the final 10%.

Okay. You still off the coffee? Are you still off the coffee, Adam? No, I've had one today. Good lad, he's back, mate. Buzzing his tits off. Fucking drinking like a scouse drum and bass MC. I've had one, but I'm not going to have a second one because I'm behaving.

So good. I do need to, as I'm not going to have a second one because I'm behaving. Don't do it. It's so good. I do need to, as soon as this is done, I'm going back to edit my special. Really, really excited to get this shit out. That's going to be out on the 30th of May. Final edit is going to get done this week. I'm really excited.

Can't wait for you all to see that. Anyway, have a word. Hey, this one came to me on Instagram, which again, not ideal. If you can, always get this stuff into us via email. If you're not a patron, if you're a patron, feel free to send us them as a Patreon message. But if you can, get them into haveawordpod at gmail.com. So this one came via Instagram.

Hey, massive, massive, massive fan of the podcast. Only just discovered it and been binge listening the last two days and pissing myself laughing with every episode. Thank you very much. Glad to be of service. Could you have a word with my mate? Let's call him John. He's from Belfast. He decided to start speaking to some girl from York on January the 1st this year. After 13 days of talking, he flew over

to stay with her in a hostel she lived in. I wish I was joking. So she lives in a hostel. Fuck. So he flew over to stay with her for the weekend. 1st of January? In New Year's Day? Did he? No, he started talking to her on the 1st of January on the 14th. On the internet.

Hungover on New Year's Day after New Year's. He was like, I just want to meet, I feel rough, I would like to meet someone. I'll swipe for any fucking... Knew me, yeah. Knew me.

I'm going to find myself a woman and I don't care if I have to cross a sea to get to her. She doesn't need teeth. He flew over to stay in a hostel for the weekend. She then flew over here the in a hostel for the weekend. She then flew over here the following weekend to Belfast for the weekend,

which he paid for. Fast forward to the 4th of February. They'd known each other for a grand total of 34 days. She moved to Belfast. He bought a flight over, which she missed because she was having a smoke. His mum then bought her another flight out that night

and she arrived over. So they paid for two flights to get this bitch over to Belfast. They argue every second and honestly, the whole thing is a fucking shambles. But she's stuck here now because of lockdown.

Just to make matters worse, this lad's fiancé died a year ago, and he's moved this girl into the flat they shared and lets her wear the dead fiancé's clothes. Oh, my God. And any time we mention it, he gets defensive. So, yeah, have a word. Fucking hell.

It was bad. It was bad at first, but it got worse. I met my love. Oh my God. Fucking Belfast is a great town to gig though. And this is how I know I'm missing gigs. I've just gone to play the Empire where they're all eggy cunts. Fucking Belfast is a great town to gig, though. And this is how I know I'm missing gigs. I've just gone to play the Empire, where they're all eggy cunts.

I fucking love that. Where one of them doesn't like you, but even though you've been doing stand-ups for 18 years, you shit yourself a little bit. Go, I'm not fucking keen on you. You're like, oh, okay, good. I'd fucking love to do the Empire. The second time I did the Empire.

So for those who don't know, The Empire is a legendary Tuesday night comedy club in Belfast. It's in an old converted church, and it's got such a rough reputation, especially for English comics. It's just a baptism of fire, and

I walked on stage as a scouser on my second time. The first time I was there, it went well. It was like a seven. It was fine. I did okay. Job done. The second time, I walk on, and I went,

what's happening, guys? Good to be here. And someone went, English fucking cunt. And I went, mate, I'm from Liverpool. I'm more Celtic than you. You daft fuck. And the room erupted, and he just got up and left because he felt like he wanted to be the guy in the room

that fucked the comic. And the room went, he's a scousy and he can't shut the fuck up. And he just left. That is what you, that Hegel comeback is a high risk move there, isn't it? Because if that backfires, you have lost the whole room

and you are chomping on balls in belfast as in a more celtic than you you'd have guns it just means my nan could swim and yours couldn't i think something along those lines you know the weird thing is you're more likely to get heckled in belfast liverpool newcastle glasgow in the first minute right and if and and if you give as good as you get, you're going to have a better gig for it. You're going to have a way better gig for it. Hot Water have put a video on me.

I walked on and someone just went, fucking Baldy! I was like, dude, I'm wearing a hat, man. Do you know what I mean? Like, I know I'm a fucking Baldy. You know I'm a baldy. At least I've had the good fucking grace to cover it. I'm a fucking baldy.

And because I went, yeah, mate, I'm bald. Give us a fucking break. The crowd were like, ah, yeah, he's fine. I didn't get annoyed about it. It's funny how you deal with that. In that little millisecond, how you deal with something like that, the crowd go, yeah, he's all right. Yeah, he's all right. Yeah, he's all right.

Um, Belfast and this girl. Oh, there's so many things. There's so many things. Should we just do them one by one? Don't, don't start a relationship online on new year's day.

You hung over emotionally vulnerable little Fanny. What a fuck. I think I need to go and plant you a fish. Ugh. Don't make any decisions on a hangover that are going to affect your life past that day. Like, don't buy... Don't buy stuff.

We've spoke about this before. The purchases you make on a hangover... You've bought musical instruments before, haven't you? Hangover. You buy a flute once. Is that true? That bought musical instruments before, haven't you? Hangover. You buy a flute once. Is that true? That's my old bit, wasn't it? You know I'm hungover

when I'm bidding on a flute on eBay. Was that true, though? You've bought a musical instrument hungover. That's got to have come from somewhere. No, the joke was about how bad my hangovers get and I start questioning life decisions I've never made.

Like, you've fucking let yourself down. You've let your family down. Why have you never learned to play a musical instrument no that's how you know i'm hungover when i'm bidding on a flute on ebay that's a bad what was the stag do like i've got a fucking clarinet for a reason yeah don't you should basically be only allowed to get on just eat when you're hungover your phone should should be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck are you doing on internet banking on New Year's Day, dickhead? Get off it, get off it. Yeah, your phone should monitor where you are

at all hours of every day. And if you're known to be in pubs after midnight and before 4 a.m., your phone the next day just locks off. And if you unlock it, it just comes up with Just Eat, Domino's, and whatever else restaurants are available nearby. You can't text anyone, so that stops

your messaging your ex. I miss you. I need a cuddle. Can you come to my house? Can't do that. And you certainly can't go on to plenty of fucking dickheads and get a woman from mainland Britain when you're on the fucking Emerald Isle. Oh God. I couldn't honestly woman from mainland britain when you're on the fucking the emerald isle

oh god i couldn't honestly long distance love is a you meant to be a romantic and i am a bit of a romantic but like if i i met laura when i was living back home in preston for about a year i was living uh in preston and i'd moved around a bit and i met her from nottingham and i you know you're meant to say that she's my soul mate but if she'd have been from aberdeen i'd have had a rethink when she was like when she was like i'm from the east midlands i was like oh really what which side of nottingham oh the side near the motorway oh that's not bad but if it was aberdeen i'd be like fucking how fit is she is she aberdeen fit is she flight fit although i'll tell you what i love a girl from belfast i was in a bit of crowd where i can show me sorry go i was in a bit of crowd where i had

me show in edinburgh um and i asked a couple, where are you from? And the guy said he was from the Ivory Coast and the woman was from Canada. And I went, where did you meet? And they said, Tinder. And I was like, you do know you can lower the radius on the Tinder app? Worldwide, please! Have you got black Tinder?

Black Tinder. Black Tinder. Black Tinder. have you got black tinder black tinder black tinder only for white women that was contentious in Canada oh god so he's met her and he's like I fucking like you

paid for a flight over fine she's obviously living in a hostel i don't think we're in any position to judge that but i mean it's a fucking red flag and then come over and they've just started moved in 34 days man i also think there's that there's that young food not even it's not a young thing because fucking all sorts of people do this. You get a good thing. I fucking love Haagen-Dazs,

and sometimes I think about just eating Haagen-Dazs cookie and cream and just twatting two full tubs. But you know you shouldn't. Just because it tastes good initially, if you have the fucking full food, you're going to feel sick. There's just something about going, this is going to be a great thing, and then just affecting a level of control and being like,

we could, if we pace this right, be fucking amazing. But if we, it's like doing a marathon and going, I tell you what, these Kenyan lads are fast, but I reckon I could fucking beat them. First 150 metres, like... Oh, he's that white guy's dead. And there's Kip Tanui, 26 miles later, fucking winning. Just pace yourself.

You don't need to move in after 14 seconds. Yeah, you shouldn't move in for at least a year. Me and Jade moved in after a year, and it was a shock to the system, because all those little things that just seem, like, slightly annoying when you're spending time in their house, they're just constant then. And there was more that I was doing

than here, definitely. I was a fucking pain in the arse. I was so babied growing up. We spoke about my mum the other day and her alcoholism problems. By the way, if you haven't listened to Friday's episode, go back and listen to that. I think it's our best one and a lot of people have messaged us to say the exact same thing. Do not miss out on Friday's episode. I think it was wonderful. Oh yeah, cheers back and listen to that. I think it's our best one and a lot of people have messaged us to say the exact same thing. Do not miss out on Friday's episode.

I think it was wonderful. Oh yeah, cheers Davina for the email. Davina Bywater, who's been so supportive, sent a lovely email. You'll read it after the episode. It's absolutely, it's really nice. Appreciate it. Cool. My mum babied me and my little brother so much. If we wanted a drink, like

a Ribena, I don't mean like a fucking gin and tonic. If I wanted a blackcurrant cordial, an orange cordial or a Fanta or whatever, all I had to do was go, Mum, can I have a drink? And she'd go and make it. She tidied our rooms. She did our washing.

She did the dishes. We did no chores. No chores. We were just giving free reign. And then when we moved in with my dad, because of the time, my dad just took over from my mum and he was like, fucking hell, I've got to do everything because that's what Anne does. And then we moved in with my dad because of the time my dad just took over from my mom and he was like fucking hell i've got to do everything because that's what ann does and then

i moved in with jade and she's like why are your undies in the bathroom and i was like oh don't they just get magically picked up by a fairy and taken to the washing machine i have to do that are you kidding me oh but they smell i don't want to touch them again i've taken them off you imagine 34 days in moving in with someone you don't even know each other's foot like you don't have to commit to buying a mattress after 34 days you get 100 days to send them back especially as well even if you're older because when you're in your midirties, it's very different from like being in your twenties. Like romance in your mid thirties is, is a bit like, listen,

you seem nice and you like me and I like you. We've had five dates now. So we should really be talking about what you want. Long-term children wise. Can I see your credit history? Let's just get on. I know it's date six. I know we're in Nando's,

but let's get on Experian just to have a definite. And now how is your fertility? Are you taking vitamins? It's very, the whole thing is like, if you in the back of your head think, I do want kids. If you're single at 34 and you meet a good'un, the whole process of like, well, getting to know you

can get fucking quickened up because you're fighting like a biological clock. A little bit, not for everyone, but loving your thirties can get fucking fast-tracked there's no in your 20s you're like just take your fucking time take your time because it's suspicious if the other person is pushing for it she's like i just want to move in you're like well where are your mate where's your setup why are you so keen to give up all of that it just it's worrying it sounds like it was in the euro backpackers of york she was living in osdorff yeah oh it's not good is it and now they're fighting because they don't know each other even if you do knows i

couldn't live with you i really like you and i couldn't live with you I couldn't live with you. I really like you. And I couldn't live with you. I couldn't live with Carl. I go away with Carl sometimes. And at the end of it, I want to kill the cunt. You can't live with your best mate. Nevermind someone you've known for 30 fucking days. Yeah.

Best mate. Yeah. Being your, that's the thing about being mates and it's great fun. One of my really good mates, Sean Joyce, he is the most fun for the first afternoon, evening,

night. Go on little beers. And then by day two, if he's not gone home with a bit of a hangover, fuck me. Day two, Sean's not as fun as day one, Sean. He's like, it's so good to see you. I've missed you. Let's have a good time here. Day two, he's like, you're still fucking doing that, breathing like

that. Fuck you now. I don't know. Imagine living. Now, even my age now, living with my mates, how difficult that would be. Think of some of the annoying housemates I've had. It takes a lot of work moving in.

The credit rating thing you mentioned as well, that's something big that I had to sort out once I got with Jade. Because my credit rating was fucking abysmal. Now me and Jade come from similar financial backgrounds in that both of our parents

had absolutely fuck all while we were growing up. Skin to fuck, living on the bread line, living hand to mouth. That's how both of us were brought up. Her mum and dad went with the system of we haven't got it, we can't spend it, we just need to wait until we get whatever we need and then we'll buy food.

And for now, we've just got to sort of eat a bit less and whatever. They did the responsible way of handling having no money. My mum and dad brought me up, you haven't got it, bring the provident. You'll get a fucking loan. It'll be fine. Pay it back when you've got it.

If you haven't got it, they can't fucking take it, can they? So it's fine. So I got brought up with this debt mentality. And I've also, I've got a fear. Like, one of my phobias is open a mail. I don't like it. And I just, there's never good news, is there? You never open a brown letter

and it's a fucking belated birthday card. It's always, you owe some cunt money and he wants it next week one one in 50 is like oh we've realized we slightly overcharged you for your car insurance and here's a 17 pound check literally it the the best news you can possibly get is a check that isn't worth the trip to the fucking bank you'd be like oh i can't be asked if that collection companies want to get people to start opening their mail, they need to start sending it in either blue, pink,

or yellow envelopes, so people think it's a fucking birthday card that got lost in the post. Oh, it's a fat one, this. It's a fat one, this. Handwritten. Adam in calligraphy. But in the end end I was always like

I had unpaid phone contracts I had a loan that I paid off every month and I did pay that off every month that I took out to go to Edinburgh the festival a few years ago because I didn't have the cash to go I had a lot of debt and I had some stuff that I was just ignoring and then I always just had the attitude of

I'll sort it out one day, it'll be fine but it was eating away at me credit rating to the point where I had to get a guarantor the first time me and Jade rented a flat and then once we moved in together Jade was like, you need to sort this shit out and I was like, I'll be fine, she was like, you don't understand I'm now linked to you

legally, we share a property we're not married but legally we're melded together and your credit rating affects mine and I was like so I had to go through it all I went to court won a battle with Vodafone they got fucked off and

it's a fucking nightmare how old were you mid 20s when you did that I fucking did the same thing when I was 33 Laura I've got some bad news. I do earn quite well, but I spend a lot of it on drinking and hats.

Fucking hell. I had to get a guarantor for our first flat. It's fucking embarrassing. Horrific. I had to get my auntie to do it. But anyone who's thinking, I can't do it, I won't be able to sort it. I've been with Laura six years, and we now own a really quite

nice house and all our shits together it is doable you just gotta not bury your head in the sand and go right let's rip off the band-aid and go on one of these fucking sites we used a noddle or whatever but it it helps it just goes that's where they just goes, that's where they've got you, that's where they've got you, and you can either deal with it or try and sort a payment plan. You can sort all of the shit out. Just don't get intimidated by it. It's better to just deal with it.

I mean, unless you're planning to fuck about. Unless you're planning to fuck about more and then be like, ah, yeah, yeah, no, just keep fucking about. Jade opens my mail now. Nice, nice. That's not a fucking intrusion. If it's not important, she just puts it in a big pile. She's like, read that one there, yeah?

And I'm like, yeah, sure. And it just goes in this big pile in the corner. And if it's like, this needs immediate action, she's like, pay that now. Yeah, it's just, because what will happen is, if you don't answer, you'll miss a fucking speeding fine. And then that speeding fine will become a bigger speeding fine. And then that three points will become

six points and eventually you'll lose your fucking licence when I lived in Chester with Danny McLaughlin so what had happened was I was sort of not speaking to my dad at the time and every time mail arrived at my dad's house he was just putting

it in a pile he wasn't telling me because we weren't talking and he was just like if if he ever turns up, he can have all his mail, it's there. But I'd been on the train, the Mersey Rail from Liverpool to Chester all the way around

and I had my feet up on the seat in front, right? Not actually on the seat, it was on the metal bar but one of these fucking train grasses comes up to me and he's like,

what? just train grass I love it yeah you know like a train fucking PCO and he's like I've got to give you I've got to take you and he read me my Miranda rights he said yeah I've got the right to remain silent and then he asked me a lot of questions

like my name, my address and whatever and when I got off I was like if I had the right to remain silent surely and I wasn't under arrest he told me a lot of questions, like my name, my address and whatever. And when I got off, I was like, if I had the right to remain silent, surely. And I wasn't under arrest. He told me that as well. So I was like, I could have just stayed silent, got off at the next stop and not spoke to him. And he would have never known who I am.

You have the right to completely ignore me. If you do, I'll be really annoyed. Here's the ticket. But I gave him my details And then I forgot about it. I just forgot about it. And because I'd given me my dad's address for some reason, I think maybe my bank was still registered at my dad's

or whatever, all the mail was going there until one day a fucking bailiff knocked at the door in Chester and he was like right, for my fee, for this and whatever you owe us 1100 quid and i was like i haven't got 1100 quid mate i just i had no money in the bank at the time i had like a couple of hundred quid to get me through the month or whatever i was like i haven't got it and he was

like well i've got to take property from from the house then to cover what this would be and i was like okay we'll come to my bedroom he's like no we're gonna start in the living room and i was like well that's me housemate's telly. And he's like, unless you can prove it's not yours, we can take it. So I was like, fuck me. And Danny had to lend me the money. He lent me a grand and just went, just pay him because he had savings.

And then I just paid Danny back like incrementally. But he never mentioned it again. He never held it over you like the oh fuck it bailiffs man the fact that you can get 30 quid you can get 50 quid fine and then three months later they think they can take 1100 quid and steal your mate's TV. You're like, Oh,

that is so uncomfortable. That is just rinsing the poor in it. Basically. Although at the same time you can be like, yeah, like Sean Dice. Oh, horrible.

He was Sean Dice. That's how little Burnley pay him. Oh, I need your fucking TV. I'm going to pay. Oh, we're going to come in the house, but it's going to be a solid four, four,

two. Oh, we've going to come in the house but it's going to be a solid 442 I don't know how we've gone from fucking some fella moving some bears Can I tell you the problem with this have a word is mate, this boy in the pussy headlights you can have a word all you like

but in the pussy headlights the pussy, it drove straight at him and now he's blinkin' like a little dick rabbit. The car's drivin' at him and his little dicks, it stood up. It's all erect but it can't move for shit cause it's in the pussy headlights.

He ain't goin' fuckin' nowhere till their pussy headlights turn off, the engines off and that bitch back in yoke. Oh. Yeah, but it's not really about that, is it it the thing we need to have a word with him about is the fact he's letting this woman wear his dead fiancee's clothes okay turn the pussy headlights off and put on my dead fiancee stop crying i'm not crying you're crying oh my god why is he still got them a year later?

It's proper Tiger King. If Laura died, would you keep her dresses? Yeah, but just to use as... For a year. No, to use as cloths for cleaning windows. I'd be like... You know what I mean? The Rona's hit. We've lost all our gigs.

And every time I used a bit of fucking window lean and used one of her nice blouses to clean the windows, I'd be like, I miss you, babe. Thanks for paying off the mortgage. Why are you crying, daddy? This is your mum's wedding dress. Do you need any chamois leather, Dan? No no i'm fine laura had a lovely wardrobe yeah can we just say like letting your new bed where your fiance's

your former yeah don't give her clothes to charity you should never even have there's like there's almost like i have a word that you shouldn't need to do isn't like this so obvious like could you have a word with all pedophiles just to stop having sex with kids uh no i just i think it should be unspoken really you know it's a law and it's a really reprehensible thing to do to a small person so could you have a word with murderers? It's dead selfish, isn't it? Killing someone. Yeah, yeah, it is. Oh, let's call that a fucking podcast, kid.

P-O-D. I love the pussy headline. In the pussy headline! Little dick rabbit. Today's song is called Youngfella. It's by an artist called Wax White, and it was produced by a producer called Granny. Fuck off.

Is it hip-hop? Is it hip-hop? Yeah. It's fucking sick as well. So this is Youngfella by Wax White, produced by Granny. Wait around until after the song for today's patreon list of legends and we will see you all tomorrow no you all adam no we won't

on wednesday and everyone else see everyone else on friday oh fuck Friday! Oh, fuck! I think we're going to keep that. Nothing new, doing breathe lil' youngfla Here with you lil' youngfla You never know what's on the other side of the window Looking true lil' youngfla I'ma kill lil' youngfla with the gloves Put the towels in the shields lil' youngfla Making milfs lil' youngfla, I'ma Real youngfla with the real youngfla's How'd you feel youngfla? These youngfla's never seen what I'm about to bring

If you feel that we're f***ing field, tell me you agree Youngfla red, duh, on the youngfla's head, navy seal Youngfla all about the green, all about the green Youngfla said I'm all about the green Youngfla I'm a tree hugger, I'm the Michael Jackson Chill, yo, Fla All about the green, all about the green, yo, Fla Said I'm all about the green, yo, Fla I'm a tree hugger, I'm the Michael Jackson Chill out, cover up my mean Work out with the boy's suit on

Straight jacket on the sleeve, yo, Fla Tell me what you want, then you can tell me what you need Yo, Fla, but I won't work, boy, cause I don't believe Yo, Fla's coming at me with your angle, 45 degree Yo, Fla, you have a disease, yo, Fla Stay away from me, yo, Fla We hear the mob coming, we hit the floor jumping Lay up a torch for me, you always off something

But it won't cost money, no, it won't cost nothing Detroit the all-study, us put that up We heard the mob comin', we hit the floor jumpin' Little bit torch for me, you always off somethin' But it won't cost money, no it won't cost nothin' Detroit the all study, us put the all Break down the floor for me, they say the all fuzzy Oh you don't like this, you can't f*** off buddy Me little small bunny, she hit the floor for me She says I talk funny, I made her walk funny If she pisses me off, she can hit the door for me She wants to hit me with the claw, put a pause on me

You're in the control and she puts the game on pause for me I tell her, yo, I'll open up your jaw for me You should put your whole clique in the bin Me and the young fella get a groupie, every city where it ain't me And the young fella live the fast life, it isn't the same We do what once, do it again and again and again Boys helping when I'm on the streets, I'm in check I know some boys hoping that you know the beach is dead

I'm just the last of a new done dead I'm just the last of them new doing freedom I'm just the last of them freedom yeah so this is our list of Patreon members

that subscribe and pay us £10 a month we're very very grateful for both this group of people and everyone who pays £3 and £5 as well we hope that you all enjoy

the first exclusive Patreon episode, which is coming this Wednesday. But this is our list of producers. Bly, Ali Richardson, Amy Johnston, Andrew Boyle, Andy Threlfall, Anthony Doran, Anthony Jollies, Anthony Wilkinson, Barney Wood, Barry Parsons, Becky Hale, Bunny Whitehead, Carmel Merrick, Chris Chubbs, Chris Jones, Chris Townsend, Chris Watson, Kian O'Connell, Colin Pugh, Colette Hind, Curtis

Charlton, Dan Lindsay, Daniel Newman, Daniel Pugh, Danny Gilligan, Dave Checkley, Dave Everson, Dean Cochran, Dominic Bristow, Donna McCauley, Ella Knight, Emma Donnelly, Emma Green, Fiona McDonough, Frank Hughes, the Frog and Booker team, George Mush, Gerard Keane, Graham Cashel, Graham Owens, Ian Pringle, Ian Chadwick, Jack Roberts, Jack Rush, James Fuchs, Janet Roscoe, Jason Reynolds, Jay Kyle, Jen Wilson, Jennifer Ridding, Jess Yarwood, Jill Bushell, Joanne Parr, John Barracliff, John Ryan, Johnny Armstrong, Johnny Edwards, Johnny Bagley, Joseph Moore, Josh Locke, Josh Holt-Flusk,

Julie Smith, Cade Bidwell, Kate Hamilton, Kathleen Simon, Catherine Wells, Keira Tan, Kenny Gad, Kiefer Gallagher, Kieran Woodall, Kieran Gibson, Kirstie Leonard, Lee Bramley, Lee H. St. Lee Grant, Liam, Louise Grimes, Mark Cowan, Mark Hammond, Mark Hollenbach, Mark Pugh, Martin Duxbury, Matt Delmayne, Matt Flannery, Matthew Rees, Max Prenti, Maxine Eyre, Megan Ainscough, Mike Kivy, Mike Pugh, Mike Quirk, Mike Sullivan, Mutley, Nathan Sharracks, Nick Stannard, Owen Badman, Paul McDonald, Pete Graves, Peter Vincent, Rachel Herron, Rachel Whiteley, Richard Palmer, Rob Barker, Rob Bell, Rob Knowles, Rob Rudge, Rob Upton, Robin Kerr,

Russell Waring, Ryan Farrow, Sam Crow, Sam McGuire, Sam Snook, Snook? Snook? One of them. Sammy Taylor, Saz Green, Scott Brickcliffe, Scott Newton, Simon Martin, Steve Woolley, Steph Keeling, Stefan Bilek, Stephen Byrne, Stephen Theobald, Steve Bowers, Steve Green, Steve D. Malone, Stephen Thompson, Swiss Jen, Terry Burke, Texas, Jilly Bean, Thomas Sivita, Tom Chadwick, Tom Lazarus, Tom R Rowe Tom Twisselton Tony Petru

Wes Coakley and Zach Howard see you on Wednesday patrons see you on Friday muggles