Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #56 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 15, 2020

Thanks to our sponsors Beer52.com, TransAlloy Wheels LTD and Vauxhall Comedy Club, follow us @haveawordpod and find us on YouTube. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now then, lids, if you'd like to support the podcast, please visit patreon.com slash haveawordpod and sign up. Everyone that signs up on Patreon will get discounts for merch, discounts for live shows, also early availability on content and tickets. And this is the big one, you will get the Wednesday afternoon Patreon-exclusive episode. So Monday's episode is for everybody! Friday's, that's for every motherfucker as well! But Wednesday's episode is only on Patreon. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. Now, I'm getting the word

nuts. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. Catch me outside, how about that? I'm big-boned. I'm heavy-structured. I'm hung low. If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting! Follow us on social media at Have A Word Pod.

And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash haveawordpod. They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Don't be a Tory. Down your turbo shandy and tell a friend. This is Have a Word. Oh! Oh!

It's good to see you. It's been a while. How you doing? It's been a half fucking minute. Oh, a bit sunburned here I've got fucking little fat white red head for any of our

non-patreon listeners this is the biggest gap they've had between episodes in a long time the last day it was on Monday you missed us motherfuckers it's good to be back speaking to everybody. Yeah, that's been

a long time, isn't it? That's seven, eight weeks of... I can't remember what it was like doing a weekly podcast. I can't remember what it was like for you to be here. It feels like it was a million years ago. When people are like, honestly, it's just, you know, time flies, doesn't it, in million years ago when people like honestly it's just you know time

flies isn't it in the shutdown i'm like that has felt like a long two months that's i i haven't been anywhere i don't know if that slows your perception of time down but fuck me feels like a long time since we've been doing weekly episodes and you were in the studio yeah time um time's gone slow have you got some little flowers in your background and you got yourself some flowers babe what's happening there where you get them from so this studio is basically my office that i've it's half studio and half office. I've put some pictures up. The Patreon listeners have seen it. I've stuck some stuff up.

And what it is also is a storage room for when Laura finally gets beyond the point of worrying about hurting my feelings about shit that I've bought for the house. She's nice to me and we don't, we're not dicks to each other, but she still hates 98% of the stuff that I just choose for the house so she's nice to me and we don't we're not dicks to each other but she still

hates 98 of the stuff that i just choose for the house so i've basically stopped doing it but it is my fucking house in it as well so i'm looking around now and like there's so much shit that i was like oh i thought that'd be nice in the living room it's now nice in here i thought they'd be nice in the dining you know in the fucking hallway she here. I thought they'd be nice in the dining, you know, in the fucking hallway. She did not. Have you and Laura had a little tiff? No, no. That's just a bugbear of...

I was just getting a vibe off you that you might have been in a bit of a strop with... No, this is just... This is one of my buttons. This is one of my weird buttons where I love Laura to bits, is just this is you it just this is one of my buttons this is one of my weird buttons where i i love laura's bits hope we're married and because i don't want to i'm not doing this shit again and i love it a bit and but i just it's weird like it's almost like with this podcast this is the first time i've ever had to share a decision with an equal on something i'm working

on and it's to the benefit of the podcast but it's difficult you're like i want to do something I've ever had to share a decision with an equal on something I'm working on. And it's to the benefit of the podcast. But it's difficult. You're like, I want to do something like this. And then you're like, I don't think we should. And then it's taken me like months to get like, fuck, you know, I just want to do it though. I just think we should do it.

And I know you're the same. No, no, no, no. We should do it like that. And that's what marriage is, isn't it? I choose some shit, but I also pay for a lot of it. So it's a weird thing yeah so the yeah this room is becoming like a fucking art gallery of a moron basically and this these flowers were an idea that i had for the hallway at our old house and laura just went awful that was literally

i think the words she used so i was like don't worry about it i'm not taking she was like taking back i'm not no i'm not taking about these are nice stylish they'll find a home somewhere and then i saw these fake flowers in the range the other day and i was like oh that matches the logo and now i've put it there it looks really camp it looks like if have a word we're doing funerals oh yeah the deceased have a funeral that's when you know your fucking podcast and i i've said it before and i'll say it again i love being married but as soon as she leaves me and it all goes to shit i'm getting a fucking super mario duvet cover and everyone can my balls i'm just gonna i'm gonna put all the shit on the walls that i want and

i'll be angry and i'll be single and i'll be lonely but i will have the decor that i want see i've got to the point now where me and jade disagree on everything just like you two but i can't care because i just can't so at the minute we've, we've come to a decision. So this room I'm in right now is the office slash studio. This is going, within a couple of weeks, to be our bedroom. Right. And our bedroom, our current bedroom, is going to become the office slash studio. The main reason for this is the sun rises

and comes into our current bedroom. Yeah. So from about 8 a.m., our room's like a fucking oven. Yeah. Whereas it doesn't get warm in this room until about 6 at night. Nice. So we need to swap them around. And she was like, right, I was thinking maybe in the bedroom

we could do yellow and blue because I just want to change the colours. And I literally went, you can do... What? I've never heard that fuck if you'd have asked me to to pick the color combo that jade had decided on i would be in the fucking 180 second guess before i went yellow and blue is she the fucking la rams what's well yeah it's gonna be that sort of color actually, but like a darker blue. Right. Okay.

She wants a bright yellow. So where these purple bricks are. Yeah. It's going to be yellow, but with a bit of a texture. And we're getting some blue curtains. And what I've literally said to it is you do whatever the fuck you like. Here's the money.

I don't want anything to do with it. Right. Just crack on. You saw the bedroom. I was, she keeps to do with it. Right. Just crack on. You sold the bedroom out. She keeps showing me little diagrams she's done of what everything's going to look like. And I'm like, okay, cool.

And if that changes, I'll also be cool because I've decided it'll be a lot less stress. And I don't care what this bedroom looks like as much as she does. Like initial, like maybe I would choose a different color. I don't, I actually think the blue and the yellow looks really nice from what she showed me but I'm just like, do you know what?

none of it is worth even one argument because a week after it's done I won't even notice the colour of the walls for a comedian, I'm the least observant person in the world I will just come in the bedroom, get in the bed whenever I want to do that and that's it the only thing I care about

is that in the new whenever I want to do that and that's it, the only thing I care about is that in the new office I've asked us can we split it so at the minute we share this whole space I want half of the room to be mine and half to be his so I can make a permanent set up for the studio with a better

camera and more interesting backdrop you don't have to change and reset up yeah exactly so i was like as long as i can have that you can do whatever the fuck you want every room in this house and that's what she's doing i think that is a very sensible way to move forward in a in a healthy relationship i just feel like it comes back to that thing where if it's fair enough that she's like i don't like those i don't like those, I don't like that, I struggle to find something I like, but then nothing happens.

And then I'm like, yeah, but now there's been bare walls for six months. Whereas if you said to me, let's go and get some artwork, you give me two hours on a combination of like, is it I Am Fi, Etsy, or fucking Amazon, or eBay? I'll find three things and if after if after a year you're not into them i'll be like oh i'll change them but laura's like no we'll wait because that's faithful and then we'll get the right thing and that bugs me but i tell you what you basically explain there is something that i think every and not to be like oh man you know keep a happy wife happy life i hate all that bullshit but

in all in all faculties of life if you don't give a load of a shit why draw a battle line on everything because what's letting we studied it at uni and i did a year of politics and then wandered into a comedy club and that was the end of my academic career but one of the ones i always remembered was utilitarianism which was a really interesting theory that it's basically what we're talking about just because you want something and i don't want something doesn't mean they're equal levels of want and and like not want you so so jade wants it yellow and blue right she loves yellow and blue say and then you go i fucking hate yellow and blue she loves it you hate it that's an e that's a problem then because it's an it's an equal level of like and dislike but if she fucking loves it and you think yeah

i'm not that into it that's not worth the fight because her love outweighs you're like yeah i'm not that bothered so when you're watching something on tv and like like your missus is like i fucking love this this is my main show and you're like well i think it's a bit crap and i don't want to watch it she outweighs you it and it's a good theory but there's times when you have to be like no i fucking hate it doing that we're doing that exact thing right now so a few years years ago, we watched... Have you ever seen The Good Wife TV show? I've heard of it. Right, so we watched that a few years ago

when we first moved in together in the flat before we moved to the house. And we both really liked it because she'd seen about half of season one. So we just caught up with that and then everything else was news to both of us. And we both really, really liked it. Now, it's been a few years since we've seen it.

I've wanted to watch it again for a while because I don't mind watching something again. No. Because I forget a lot of what's gone on. Totally. She remembers almost every episode. We've started watching it again, but she's limiting it to like one or two episodes a night,

whereas I'd binge it. I'd watch six or seven. But she's like, look, and she's on her phone for most of it. She's like, I'll watch it again and I'll sort of keep my eye on it in the corner. But I remember too much of it to really give a shit. But she doesn like, look, and she's on her phone for most of it. She's like, I'll watch it with you, and I'll sort of keep my eye on it in the corner. But I remember too much of it to really give a shit. But she doesn't care.

She's just letting me have it. It's just every night, a couple of episodes, 40 minutes each, we just watch The Good Wife, and I'm fucking well invested in it, and she's just following briefly along. Everyone's fucking happy. It's nice. Good. It's good.

You don't need to be curtailed or fucking like, oh, just let her do whatever she wants. It's fucking happy. It's nice. Good. It's good. You don't need to be curtailed or fucking like, oh, just let her do whatever she wants. It's just easy. I hate all that bullshit. But just draw your battle lines. Because if you make a fight out of fucking everything, you'll burn each other out. But if you keep your powder dry,

when it does get to a point, she's like, I don't really like that. And you're like, yeah, but I fucking love it. Yeah. All my chips. Hey. You've been holding back all your chips and then you're like yeah totally we finished ozark season three the other night and when we got to the end of it and if you've not watched ozark i fully recommend it it's got the same vibe as breaking bad you don't know what's coming story-wise it's very well done it's just grown up well made there's no

point where they've not got the budget i hate that when you're watching something you're like you haven't got the budget to show the battle that you think is going on behind you like you know it's you just have to suspend disbelief ozark is literally within its budget so they're showing you it's fucking great and right at the end of season three it ends with a bang and you're like whoa and one of the things i regretted the most as the credits rolled as they played run the jewels oh la la fucking brilliant i was like i'm not just disappointed that that's over i'm also now gutted because we have to go back to that slightly passive-aggressive selecting of a box set or choosing a film. And I've had good nights in, completely fucking ruined

by the fact we cannot get on the same page. And I think you're being good at being chilled out. Like, if we sit down to watch something, and as soon as I see Laura's phone, and then the Instagram finger, that finger that's like oh just roll it away roll it away just start fucking I

sort of get annoyed I'm like you should be fucking watching it so much better when you're both into it if we're watching something new if me and Kate because we haven't seen Ozark if we started Ozark tonight and she started doing that it would do me adding but because I know she's seen The Good Wife before.

It's different. I don't mind it. Just yet, you dip in and out. I'm going to watch it intently because I don't remember a thing of it. You remember some of it, so it's fine. If it's something new and she's on a fucking cuntin' phone, it fucking drives me with a fucking cuntin' walk. I'm not into it.

I don't really like it. You've not watched it properly. Now, how's Jade in terms of the cinema? Fuck me, I'm looking forward to a cinema one day, but it's a while off. What's the etiquette like? So have I told you Jade's things with movies that she doesn't really like watching them?

I remember your bit of stand-up about it. I remember that from a year or so yeah the russian neighbor story um which is 95 true yeah um is it on youtube that bit because people hate having references and then i think that so i did that routine on tv i did it on the stand-up sketch show so it had to get cut down so i i love the stand-up sketch show, so it had to get cut down. I love the stand-up sketch show, but there's a few bits missing out of it that I feel are important to the story.

It is on YouTube, but I'll put another version of YouTube on it in the next couple of weeks or whatever, or something. Can you give us the abridged version just so people listening... Yeah, there's an abridged version on YouTube that you can go and watch right now. And it's been made into half stand-up half sketch but the gist was you had russian neighbors and jade didn't give a

shit but you were like i've watched films dickhead you haven't watched films don't fuck with russians essentially yeah so jade won't watch a film what in the house oh my god I was like what ever she will go to the cinema because that's like an event she likes going out and doing something so she'll go to the cinema but in the house an argument with movies is

they're they're dead long but they also don't have enough information in so because she's used to watching tv series and the level of detail you get with a 24 hour tv series she's like they try and cram one tv series worth of story into two hours so you miss loads of detail as well that's not a bad point i wanted to rip her on that and and I'm like, yeah, totally. If you're doing it well, if you're doing it Netflix, HBO standard,

that's what you want. You want to get into the characters. You want to let the story develop. You don't want to be having an editor going, we've got to keep this under an hour and 45, the studio have said. Yeah, that's their argument. Ten hours of Ozark a season. Yeah.

She just wants to skip to the end of a film so she knows what's happened because she feels like she won't miss that much detail because they don't put enough in anyway. No, no, that's annoying. That's annoying. Jade!

Jade! People love it when Jade gets involved. Jade. Oh, here she comes. Fucking Jade. Jade. People love it when Jade gets involved. Jade. Jade, darling. Will you come here in a sec? Baby, stop picking yellows and blues. I just want you to talk to Dan for one sec. So I'm trying to...

Are we asleep? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't want to talk to her. I don't know. I thought you'd go. She's just woke up. Oh, no, no, no. We don't... Sorry, to her she's just woke up sorry darling sorry mate

explain to Dan why you don't like watching films she's just woken up oh Jade I didn't oh mate I didn't know you were asleep I'm sorry it's fine I didn't forget no he genuinely

he wasn't doing that to be a dick I could tell he forgot that so this is what the gist of what I've got there is that you're like they try and cram too much information into like two hours whereas like a ten episode season or a book but I also don't

like I don't want to sit for like four hours watching one thing or a book but I also don't like I don't want to sit for like four hours watching one thing wow like nothing happens in a film nothing happens

well some films have quite a lot happening don't they like particularly the genre of action but I can't see that you're a big

big action person like a big explosion like that's not that's not a story like nothing happens yeah like

they've got which film has done this to you because it sounds like you've had a particular experience that's really fucked you off because you know like

there are some like non-explosiony films like Wes Anderson like Grand Budapest Hotel it's an absolute masterpiece any interest you watched that didn't we yeah you actually enjoyed that I would never ever in a million years like Grand Budapest Hotel it's an absolute masterpiece any interest?

you watched that didn't you? yeah you actually enjoyed that I would never ever in a million years watch it again I never would have chosen to right good

like but what's this thing about you wanting to know what the end is so that yeah I don't I just I want to like

you know if you've got a book and you read the last page I just want to be able to do that with a film like I want to like, you know, if you've got a book and you read the last page, I just want to be able to do that with a film. Like, I want to know what's happened now, and it's too boring to get to the end. Have you got ADD? Have you, what? You never do that, though, do you? You never read at the end of a book first, do you?

No. Oh, right. Absolutely. I don't. I respect what you said about how in-depth it can be, but I'm a bit gobsmacked that you've just gone, films are fucking boring. Do you know what I mean?

Like, there's some of the most suspenseful thrillers and you're like, absolute dog shit. Fucking Shawshank Redemption, snore off, mate. I couldn't give a fuck if he gets out. That is, yeah, pretty accurate. You'd rather read the book? Yeah. Play what film would you like, though?

Hot Fuzz, classic. Okay, good. I'm glad that, of all the films, of all the films, Godfather, the Godfather trilogy, fucking all of the Oscar winning

films, Hotel Rwanda I mean it was an absolute seminal classic no Hot Fuzz was no it's fine you can you do you I'm just a bit you know put Adam back on and go back to sleep

I'm so sorry we woke you up look after yourself I didn't realise you were still asleep. I thought you were up and about. You see what I'm fucking living with? Somebody not going to get his dick touched tonight. Bye, I love you.

So when you go on to cinemas and do date night, what the fuck's going on there? I mean, is she just like i'll go because you want to she's doing the utilitarianism thing of going all right you want to she does enjoy a cinema trip yeah but not asked about really what you're watching she yeah so i'll have to convince her that the film is worth her time but she's still like she will go to cinema a lot more open to that than me putting a film on in the house.

Especially. Films we've seen over the past few years. We went to see Get Out together. Have you seen Get Out? Yes, mate. Superb. Hated it. Did you not enjoy it?

I thought the first half was brilliant and then it just became fucking stupid in the second act. Yeah, it was a bit, Yeah, it was a bit... Yeah, it was a bit mental. It started like a really creepy, interesting, psycho thriller, and then became fucking Space Jam in the second act. It definitely...

I did not watch Gal go, this is Space Jam, this. This is definitely Space Jam. Fucking hell. It's that one with Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny. Yeah. Or Space Jam 2 with LeBron. Fucking hell.

If you could have linked any black film to Get Out, which is basically a black horror film, you know, basically, it's fucking Space Jam. horror film. You know, basically, it's fucking Space Jam. You know,

the thing is about Schindler's List. I mean, the first half is good, but the second half is essentially Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Fucking hell. Yeah, fascinating. That,

that, I, you know, it's probably why you love her. She's an original. You don't want to fucking dullard but I'd find that I'd find that shit tiresome after a while they're like nah I don't like films all films though

it's a bugbear it is a notch in the negatives column of the weighing up of the cinema now he loved three billboards three I tell you, the cinema now... We love three billboards. Three billboards of a... Going to the cinema,

you know they do the boutique fucking showy-off, like the whole thing's about 34 quid, but if you're spending the dollar and you're trying to show off and get some poof-poof, it is fucking amazing. The Lazy Boys and their beer, and then you can have an amazing pizza, and it's fucking...

There's no Scullies because you've priced them out. All the fucking chatty rats are out because you're in a twatty fucking try-hard hipster cinema. I'm into that. I wouldn't want to do it every week, but that is the future. There's one in Liverpool called Fact. Fact.

Little independent cinema fact yeah nice um but i i just like going i i find like people are generally quite respectful in the cinema i don't really get many chatty people i've not really experienced that there's one right by ours about a three four five minute drive from here is the Showcase Cinema on the East Langstroth. Yeah. So that's where we tend to go because it's also like the Odeon in town is about seven or eight pound more. Right. Than the local one.

But the local one here does, it's not a massive cinema. So although it's a showcase, like there's Jojo Rabbit, for example, which I seen earlier this year which is phenomenal that wasn't available in the showcase cinema yeah okay so fact and places like that i think town center cinemas have a different sometimes have a different vibe because if knob no beds can get the bus to watch a film there's i just feel like i've had some absolute

issues mate when we lived in Leeds just had a full on fucking argument with this Asian guy I don't know if we've talked about this on the pod but he really did not appreciate being told to shut up I've got zero tolerance though it really got very it was like an Asian version of Kane Brown going did you tell me to shut up

have you never fucking seen me before bro it really got like I was like mate could you shut up fucking you're telling me to shut up bro fucking telling me to shut up yes mate because you're fucking talking in the cinema you should be shocked

if someone was talking in the cinema it would be ruining my experience so much that I would just tank the film for everyone else I would literally stand up and ruin it I'd be like lad shut your fucking mouth or get out now fuck off get out do you know why i can't do that because the rest of the film i'd just be like a ball of anxiety expecting a another argument or fucking

like punch to the back of the head or i just I just don't know, I get my anxiety like, oh my God, confrontation, it's going. I wouldn't be able to concentrate, but there's a bit in me who wants to just not let it ride. I don't want to be that pathetic fucking white British person going, oh, it was really ruined by some ruffians at the beck. Like, stand up for yourself, but at the same time, it's fucking eggy, isn't it? Yeah.

You've got to get it out. It's coming, right? And I time, it's fucking eggy, innit? Yeah. You've got to get it out. It's coming, right? And I'm worried it's old age, but you know when you speak to an old boy, or like an old relative at Christmas, and they're like, I think everyone should be shot in the face for fucking, if you steal, you should be murdered. Whoa, whoa, when did you get so fucking right wing?

Jesus, I feel a little bit of that coming up. I mean, I feel, if you're chatting in a cinema, I think you get so fucking right wing? Jesus, I feel a little bit of that coming up. I mean, if you're chatting in a cinema, I think you should maybe lose a hand. Just, I feel, I feel, I think if you've got a dump valve and you drive it round an estate, and there's families and they've got kids sleeping, I think you should be fucked in the ear with a large dick. Just as a punishment. I don't know how they do it i don't know if they'd have to go down to like you know the town hall

i'm here for a deer fuck ear fucking yeah it's in the basement it's all soundproof oh i i can feel is it the left or the right when I get to the bottom of the stairs? Do you not think, though, that law would work better if there was like, you know, people who just randomly throw litter? If you got caught, instead of like an £80 fine, someone got to just punch you in the face as hard as they could. You had to literally go down to the town hall and you'd be like, ah, what have you done? Is it for like a fucking ridiculously loud car?

That's ear fucking, that's right at the end of the corridor. No, it's a drop litter and it was on CCTV. All right, you need to get twatted in the face. I think less people would do it. I think it'd be better if you just had to lick like an old man's balls. Oh, yes, mate. Yeah. Because then the homophobia kicks in there.

I'm not saying homophobia is right, but I'm just saying, let's point out and acknowledge that it exists. We can't solve a problem until we acknowledge that there is one. A lot of homophobia. And I would say that homophobia is more prevalent in people who litter than those who don't that's just a guess for me you think litterers are so ignorant they're ignorant of the environment they're also ignorant of like gay rights and i honestly it makes absolutely no sense and then all the sense in the world i think it's and i and i want to know when you're standing for election I will vote for you sir

so I reckon if you throw just one item away you have to just go and lick one testicle if it's like a bigger item or like more than one you have to lick both and then at the top level you have to go

you have to go fly tipping you have to go from the base of the penis and lick all the way up to the tip. How old? How old's the dude? He's a mayor. Oh, you have to lick the mayor's balls. Can you imagine the level of fucking pervert that would be standing for local election?

And the mayoral candidates are, Gareth, I think I'd ever go to mayor. And you know who'd win? Do you know who'd win? The electorate would come out, for whoever looked like he had the cleanest arsehole, because you'd be like, listen, guys, you never know, you might just forget

and fucking drop a Coke can, and the next minute, you're in the town hall with the mayor going, ah you've been naughty, you should have found recycling okay, get your tongue out, this is the judicial system, oh yeah

oh I like it yeah, I think we've just solved crime I think we've just solved all crime it's not, what's capital punishment when you get killed, corporal punishment is when you just get slapped about a bit. This feels like poetically justified corporal, like it's a form of corporal punishment, but just more twisted.

Yeah. Just a big sweaty old mayor dick. Yeah. Like if you feel a girl's arse, if you feel a girl's arse if you feel a girl's arse in a nightclub and it's proved

because you're just some fucking dickhead who's like yeah yeah it's got a fucking great arse yeah and you basically

grope some fucking 22 year old in a nightclub you should have to have your dick and balls grabbed by a really aggressively fat

sweaty guy like you like grabbing I like grabbing yeah and I'm sure there's people listening to this going have your dick and balls grabbed by a really aggressively fat sweaty guy like you like grabbing people listening to this going oh well this wouldn't necessarily be a punishment for gay people who like licking dicks and i get what you're saying but this would be a dick that no one wants to go near once you're elected mayor you're never allowed to wash your genitals again so you just end up with sweaty knob cheese ridden genitals um can i just say that i don't think there's a lot of gay people heard that and we're like well this isn't a punishment for me because i'm actually a homophobe that's basically like going so it's like's like, the mayor's a woman,

and she's, you've got to like, just because I'm straight, I'm not like, brilliant, I'll lick the gooch of a 75 year old sweaty old mayor. Like, just because I'm straight,

I'm not like, that's not gross, you know, because she's a woman and I'm a man. It wouldn't be as bad for gay people though, would it? I'm telling you, Adam,

right now, if it's an old mayor, like, say it's like, say, to be fair, say there's been so much litter dropping in the town that they're like mate the mayor's got a sore arsehole literally he's been licked he's been licked to the point where he's red raw we're having to put fucking we're having to put baby cream on him because he's there's so much litter picking going on these We've had to bring back the old mayors to like step in part time,

you know, on the weekend to just do cover. So the old mayor, the old mayor, the mayor that was like mayor from 1983 to 1987 is now clocking 90 years old.

If I dropped my fucking Mackey's wrapper out the, Mackey's like whatever whatever the bag of Maccies out of the car window and they told me I had to lick the gooch of a 90 year old for me it doesn't make

it better that it's a woman that I honestly think you hit an age where sex goes out of the window I'm not joking if a 90 year old private part as a punishment you could literally go i could be could be like do you want a man or a woman i'll be like i want the one that's least close to death i'm not joking i actually think i might take the gooch of the man because

of the mysteries of the of the feminine form i don't know what that's going to look like at 90 years old. Like, here you are, Mrs. Mayor. Madam Mayor. Oh, it's a bit more litter. Oh, it's the best part of this job these days. I think I might take the guys. At what age does sexuality go out the window? It's almost like sexless.

I think once you hit 80, once you hit 80, once you hit 80, you're neither man or a woman. You're just dead old. You're almost like so old, you're like a G.I. Joe, like a pensioner G.I. Joe. It's just, there's nothing there.

Can you stop dehumanising pensioners on our podcast, please? We're talking about licking their... We're talking about rimming pensioners. Don't be so offensive. We have nationalised the genitals of everyone over the age of 80. They now belong to the electorate. I also don't think there's a lot of pensioners who would be ecstatic. In light of COVID-19, you're like,

listen, I know there's a high infection rate and you be ecstatic in light of COVID-19 you're like listen I know there's a high infection rate and you're definitely in a high risk category but this cunt's been fly tipping fucking everywhere alright I'll do my duty what did I know we'll move on in a minute

what did you do with your day off what I can't follow it I can't Adam I know we'll move on in a minute what did you do with your day off? what? I can't follow it I can't Adam unless I have literally fingered a cat unless I've fingered a cat

no one gives a shit everyone is in shock because they have just we were like and we've really talked about film and cinema and how you enjoy things with your partner

and I was like oh god we're about 20 odd minutes into this first section it's all been interesting chat and i'm glad we've had it but it's been a bit low on laughs within eight minutes we are rimming 90 year olds as a punishment for littering and then you in your head have decided that no i want to ask how his day off but no one cares no one cares no no i tell you what we really need to hear is that dan fucking power washed his drive because that's not going to clean people's minds it cleaned my drive

but it's not gonna i can't power power wash people's memories how was your day off i didn't lick a pensioner's dick. So, pretty good. Shut up, mate. And you know what? I know this is going on the fucking internet. This is the clip. This is the clip. Whenever I've made you laugh like this,

I'm like, this shit's going to be an advert on social media. Right, talking about adverts. Now then, lids, I want to tell you about Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car body work and customisation services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire. Basically, these guys

can sort your wheels out. And if you're listening to this thinking, well, I'm not like a boy racer, I'm not that bothered about my car. Mate, I drive a Volvo, and after the fucking Rona, I'm going to these guys at Trans Ilo Wheels Limited when I'm gigging in Yorkshire, and I'm going to get them to sort out the alloys

that are all scuffed up and fucked on my Volvo V40. So even if you've got a sensible dadmobile, or you've inherited your nana's banger, soup up the wheels, get them sorted. If you park like a bellend, get them tidied up, make them look smarter. Go the full hog, get them jazzed up, get them glitzy, get them gold. Just live your life through your alloy wheels. They can add value to your car and make it look fucking smart.

They use the same techniques as the biggest car manufacturers and they offer powder coating, diamond cutting, painting, new tires, acid stripping and shot blasting, tire fitting and removal. They do car body repairs, and they have a pickup and delivery service. They also do insurance work. These guys have got amazing reviews online. Come and get your wheels souped up, changed, and refurbished. And this is the best bit.

All Have A Word listeners will receive 25 off everything i'm going i'm getting my saving these guys are amazing trans alloy wheels limited get them on facebook insta online the lot nice one lids i don't know about you but i'm feeling triggered it must be with adam and dave i went there that was funny i'm ready Hey, I like what you did today You basically were like, don't worry about it Dan You don't have to fucking sift through

This shit ton of emails Please do send them, haveawordpod at gmail.com Adam just put out the fucking back call And went, oh we're doing a podcast today What do you want us to talk about it and people were like alright nice one so we've had some that's where you got this middle section from

I think I saw the people it was weird it almost like self regulated there was just the right amount for like a middle section I was like good on you everyone Jilly B asks shout out to jilly b who has been um really great from the start of the park jilly bean no this is the other

this is the native indigenous jilly b where have you never gigged before that you would never do even if offered 10 grand for the gig just for one night what what kind of gig where would you just refuse to play all because you i as soon as i read this i was like the problem with this question is you have like we are gig starved horrifically gig starved and what she's going is imagine a gig that you just absolutely would not want to do a comedy gig that you just under no circumstance would do. And then she's offered 10 grand. May we haven't gig for two months. I do any fucking gig like,

yeah. So I'm gone. Let me, let me try and let me, let me David Dickinson yet. Ah, so you're saying you'll get anywhere. 10 grand on the table. Yeah. So it's my job here me try and... Let me... Let me... David Dickinson, yeah? Right. So you're saying you'll gig anywhere. Ten grand on the table.

Yeah. So it's my job here to try and put you off. So I wanted to tell you... Pretend you... You've got to do a gig for the Saudi Arabian royal family. It's just them. It's in their palace. Yeah.

You're getting paid ten grand. Yeah. But... Yeah. If they don't like a joke, it's off with your head. Oh, no, no, no. No. No. I mean, the Saudi Arabian government wouldn't kill people, would they?

They're a royal family. Hey! Well, we just lost all our Saudi listeners. Oh, that's right. They're not allowed to listen. Yeah, we do have listeners in Saudi Arabia. I wanted to... Fuck off. I wanted to run this by ear.

Wait there a sec, because I checked earlier where our listeners are from, and we've got a fucking diverse podcast here, pal. Let me just get to this for you. Take us around the world. Have a world uh saudi arabia i don't i'm not a big fan of the old middle east really so here's a full list in order from largest to smallest not in landmass as in

our listenership so obviously the UK is at the top. Yeah. This is a full list of countries. It's fucking bananas how many countries this shit gets downloaded in. You ready? United Kingdom, Australia, Ireland, United States. That makes sense. The first five make a lot of sense. India is number six.

Doesn't make sense. India is in the Europa League spots here. Do you know, that is starting to make sense. I have been not accepting a lot of Facebook requests from India because I thought I was just being scammed. And now I realise it's just people going, I love the podcast. I find these guys, like, that's my racism, that.

Romania, Denmark. What? How is Romania sick? They're having a fucking rice season, aren't they? Go on. Romania, Denmark, Norway, Japan, the United Arab Emirates, the Isle of Man,

Bermuda... It sounds like the worst World Cup group in history to me. Well, you got a chance to qualify out of this one. Jersey, France, New Zealand, Sweden, Austria, Belgium, Germany, Israel, Spain, South Korea, Singapore, South Africa, Lebanon, the Czech Republic, Hong Kong, the Netherlands, Qatar, Switzerland, Taiwan, Malta, Portugal, Saudi Arabia, Indonesia, Peru, Bulgaria, Oman, the Cayman Islands, Malaysia, Iceland, Thailand, Argentina, Guernsey, Turkey, Azerbaijan, Brazil, Colombia, Estonia, Hungary, Slovakia, Tunisia, and the rest are unknown. Oh, my fucking Lord. What?

Who is listening to this in Brazil? Like, they've got access to beautiful women, the fucking, the music, the football, the cocaine, and then they're listening to us talk about rimming old people in, like, the town hall as a punishment. Someone in Rio de Janeiro going, I really want to not listen, but I have to listen. That's my Brazilian. Keep going.

Why does he sound French no he's my Brazilian he's trying to do sort of Portuguese what you're doing

is from France but currently lives in pieces it's very difficult to

oh no it's a bit French isn't it Brazilians I'm trying to think of the USC fighters Eric Cantona

is this a good mental I don't understand it it's a bit French isn't it I'm trying to think of the USC fighters mental I don't understand it I'm sort of freaked out by it but what I'm definitely going to stop doing is stop just rejecting everyone internationally because I think they're trying to scam me what do these cunts want just to be a fan

that's what's happening there some poor dude in India is like fucking hell I love these lads why are you wobbling your head you wobbled your head there didn't you you wobbled your head do you know why because I did a Scouse accent

because I did a Scouse accent I was like don't do the accent alright lads I'm in India in my head I went don't do my head, I went, don't do the voice because everyone's going, don't do it, Dan. Come on, you're better than that. Alright lads, I'm from

Mumbai, lad. What? What's wrong with the Indian accent? I've done it on past episodes. Remember the takeaway, man? No, I don't have the very vegan food in the place. The vegan food not available at the minute. Far too complicated to cook this now.

Right. Gig. Honestly, I've joked about it before. EDL meeting. Like, the fucking... Just the biggest bunch of racist, anti-Muslim, just nasty pieces of horrible work, and you're looking at them going,

oh, God, I don't... Annoyingly, you do look like me, but we're not the same. And they're like, we fucking love it, right, when you do those fucking... Because you don't give a fuck that you're like me,

you will do the Indian voices, because fuck it, you know what I mean? We're 500 quid. 500 quid to next week go to a socially distanced but they've still got 200 people there and it's in Wigan so it's only a half hour drive

would you do it? Cash nothing listed on the internet EDL, English Defence League oh if you're listening abroad the English Defence League they're basically just far right sort of aggressive dudes.

But it's next week. It's next week. Look at him! Well, no, I won't cancel gigs for it, but there's nothing in. Yeah? No. Look, I'd love...

To say no. To just say no and be like, I obviously wouldn't do that because my beliefs and political leanings are so far removed from that of that group. However, right now, I would do that gig. right now, I would do that gig. 500 quid and I get to do a gig

half an hour from my house. Cash. How depressing would it be if it went better than any gig you'd ever done? You were like, wow. I really connect with these guys. I reckon I could smash that gig. Yeah. What would you do in Saudi Arabia, though?

When you said Saudi Arabia to the royal family, I just don't see how you... What point of reference have you got? You know what I mean? If you try and even do old stuff like you know you know because i'm afraid with when it comes to victoria's secret models like what is uh what is victoria's secret what is her secret that she has western whore yeah but you're forgetting i've recently invested in oil i know exactly i have only i've done loads of gigs in the middle east and one mainly for like

the navy stop it the one time we got taken over by the stand they took us out to play to expats and like in bahrain they've got like rugby clubs where they don't drink anywhere else they drink at the rug because we had two gigs at rugby clubs, and then one at a hotel, but it was for the owner of the company, and basically his mates, they'd all been educated in either America, so they were very westernised,

but they were Bahraini, so they wanted to get it. It was a very like, oh, this is a western thing, they do stand-up, and there was a Bahraini compere. I don't know, they flew in him from Dubai. He was pretty fucking shit.

But knew what he was doing, but just wasn't funny. And my set went really well, apart from when I did a joke. Do you remember my old joke about being 30? And it's weird because you can date girls 10 years younger than you, and that's sort of all right, but you can also date women 10 years older than you. You're in this weird spot where you could feasibly date a 20-year-old or a fucking 40-year-old, and it's just a contrast joke.

Like one's young, one's old, and that's where the banter lies. And I was like, it's a weird age. And there was women, probably my age, a little bit older, Bahraini women, who probably were quite middle-class, sort of Arabic Bahraini women. And I went, man, I think I was 29, so I was doing 19 to 30. Bahraini women who probably were quite middle-class sort of Arabic Bahraini women. And I went, man, I think I was 29. So I was doing 19 to 30.

I went, I could date, I could date a 39-year-old woman, right? No reaction. I could date a 19-year-old girl for about 10, 15 of the women started going. Like that. They just, there was no, it was like it was tutting was no it was like it was tutting but it was like it was like and apparently in bahrain if you do it's not like it's not like a horrific scolding but it's like it's like a sign of disapproval from women but it's not just one tut it's it literally sounds like a woodpecker's just started getting at the fucking... But 20 of them started doing it at the same time.

And you know in comedy, when you're so used to, like, someone goes, This gem has burst it! And you're almost tuned into that, like, No, just go, What are you saying? I can't get served! And you can still do your set. I'll tell you what will stop you dead in your fucking tracks.

20 Bahraini women going, it sounded awful. I feel like you're doing it. You know in porn, you know in porn, when some overconfident guy's like, I'm going to make this girl squirt. It was fucking weird. I just stopped.

I was like, I don't know what has happened but we've all turned into fucking it's like you're trying to get a fucking like a cat over that so weird you didn't know what that was so you were on stage and just had to carry on and then afterwards you found out what it was no i had to stop the gig because i was so freaked out you know it was so weird and also you're in bahrain doing comedy so it's already an away game but i was like i can't for my own sanity be like oh yeah i just made four 30 women start tutting repeatedly oh it's fun and they were and it was like is that because of the 19 year old fucking weird imagine that but with the Saudi Arabian

royal family and death at the end of it I don't that would be an unplayable gig that's not even worth the 10 grand you'd hear tut tut tut tut tut tut tut sword when I did Dubai I got told whatever you do don't joke about the royal family here.

They're on the wall, aren't they? They're on the wall. You walk and you're like, oh, there they are. There's the king and the prince and okay. Fucking horrible. Yeah. I got told, do not joke about them, whatever you do. And the temptation in me

to be like, yeah, the last night. Who's this fucking prick in his tea towel on the fucking wall i can't imagine the amount of tutty like you wouldn't touch it you just hear a machine oh fuck you know uh base jedi i want you to discuss how we are going to keep Jade in earshot when things return to normal. Makes me howl when she overhears Adam text this. Well,

mate, that's already happened on this episode. Matt says, uh, what do you want to talk about? Anything but politics. All right, Matt.

All right. We get it. We get it. We get it. You fucking Tory. I think it's really offensive. Fucking hell. I can't believe you're in a pandemic shutdown. Your life is so influenced by politics.

You're like, oh, fucking anything but politics, guys. All right, mate. All right, listen. I've licked a nana's arsehole in this episode. Forgive me if we mention fucking politics. Dave Checkley. Is there a gig, show, or performance of any type that you gutted that you weren't there for?

For me, it's the fact that I missed the bottom live shows. Is there any performance that you if you could go back you'd be like love to watch it probably Bernie Mac innit that show I'm big boned

or Bill Bear in Philly oh yeah that two well the Bernie Mac people might know unless you've missed the episode where i explained it but he's in the intro for the podcast i'm heather structured i'm big mont there was a def jam night in new york that was really fucking eggy and they were handing people their arses and he went on and absolutely ripped it's one of the best five minute sets anyone's ever seen but the the bill burr story's legendary isn't it do you want to tell it yeah you know yeah well i'll tell it

briefly um so there's a radio show in america called the op and anthony show which used to have a lot of comedians on and they did a live tour of like standup. So Opie and Anthony, the two radio hosts, would go on and then introduce the comics. And apparently it was this night where almost every comedian's absolutely dying on their arse, getting booed off. Philadelphia audiences are famous for sort of booing comedians

and being a cunty audience. Philadelphia is famous for booing Santa in the NFL and they hate it being brought up but they threw snowballs at Santa at a Christmas fucking NFL game they're like you guys are so fucking mean you booed Father Christmas

like loads of the comedians on the bill were doing like half of the time they were expected to do instead of doing 20 minutes they were doing 10 instead of doing half an hour 15 whatever and bill bear was booked i believe to do 12 minutes and he goes on stage and he's getting booed within like three minutes and he's like you know what no fuck the lot he is i'm not going fucking anywhere i've been booked for 12 minutes i'm fucking doing 12 minutes and he can see a clock he can see a clock like to his in his in his eyes in his eyeline is a clock it's the funniest thing as he counts it he's like he's ripping the city of philadelphia oh you've got every time you score a touchdown you play the

rocky theme tune your whole city rallies around a guy that doesn't fucking exist six minutes left and he's just going on and on and on. And they start getting into it while hating it. They start getting into it. It's a standing ovation at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he goes from literally getting booed off after three minutes to standing ovation at the end.

And it was the first big break of Bill Bear. Like, he'd have got where he is anyway because of who he is and how good he is. But that really gave him... That was his Jim Jefferies getting punched on stage in Manchester moment so I think to be there for that do you know an Australian comedian

called Nick Cody no so Nick Cody a mate of mine he's a good mate of Daniel Sloss so I've met him through Sloss at like the Edinburgh Festival and stuff he's come over a few times Nick he hasn't done the last couple of Edinburgh Festivals because he had a kid. But he's dead, dead good. He's got

a radio spot now in Australia. So that's a big career thing in Australia if you get to host a radio show. Dead good stand-up comic. He's got some stuff online. Go and check it out. Listen to this. He was at that night, right? He was at the night that

Bill Bear got booed in Philly and did that. He was at the night that Bill Bear got booed in Philly and did that he was at the recording of Patrice O'Neill's Elephant in the Room and he was at the recording of Hilarious by Louis CK

he was at three of the most iconic stand-up things ever because he lived in America for a couple of years

and he just travelled around America going to watch big stand-up events and then he opened Nick Cody opened for Bill Bear because he lived in America for a couple of years and he just travelled around America going to watch big stand-up events. And then he opened, Nick Cody opened for Bill Bear for a week in Sydney. And on the last night of opening for him, he brought his ticket

from the Opie and Anthony show in Philadelphia and asked Bill Bear to sign it. And Bear's head was just blown off. Just like, what the fuck? That's amazing. How have you gone from being in that audience to open for me in Sydney? Oh that's fucking great, there is loads, it's I tell you what I really love

American podcasts but they're YouTube highlights and I think Bill Bear is a phenomenal podcast guest, like I know Adam really likes his solo podcast but he is the biggest of hitters when jim norton gets him on his new podcast and when he's on rogan it's always some of the best podcasting yeah when he's on saguras it's so bill burris such and having him he won't do it again

now i think he's explained it but there are full explanations of what happened and he can talk you through it so you can not only go and find the philadelphia incident and watch it which is so fucking funny but then you can go and listen to bill burr fully explain everything that happened because it's become it's become like legendary in u.s comedy and i think a lot of podcast fans from over here will have heard the story. Like it's fucking great. And there's something amazing with comedy. It's important to never totally lose your,

not affection. If you do not care what an audience think, you've already started the clock on you not being a great standup. Because if you don't give a shit, if you don't give any shits, you can't get better because you'd be like, ah, no, this is great. And you're like, no, you need to be responding to what the audience responds to.

It's a weird balancing act, isn't it? You've got to have your conviction of what's right. You've got to know when an audience is wrong. But generally, you've got to care. At the same time, and you've seen it, you and you you and you when i was it's weird when you care too much you're like god you need to chill the like you've watched comics and you're like you just need to calm down you've got to be more relaxed there is something amazing about the confidence of a comic who is so far into comedy that they know they're boned on stage and just go i you

can't hurt my feelings but i can entertain me and the other comedians in the room by fucking antagonizing you and taking the piss it's only irresponsible if you're fucking up the night for the guys that are on after you but if it if the like i've been at a show where it's been unplayable and people have got to the you've got to the gig and you've been at a show where it's been unplayable and people have got to the you've got to the gig and you've been doing another like oh my god it's awful and the promoter's like just do 15 if you can and you're almost like it's basically them going free hit free hit you go on and you can start taking the piss and if it's going badly like yeah this is how it's meant to go and if there's any weirdness you can start being weird with it it's almost

like you can't be irresponsible on one of those nights and it's fucking great to watch it's great to do I love those nights watch a great comic take the ropes on something like that um one fucking more lad

Brett Blunden what have you been cooking seems that everyone has started to become a chef these days we know adam loves a roast what about you dan have you both been barbecuing says brett blunden i love it when someone goes i'm not going to try and be funny i'm not going to try and be rude or anything i just genuinely would like to know. It's almost like he's just what's up his fucking mam. You all right? What, you been cooking anything? I am.

Because you do really go to town on it, don't you? You're fucking. It's all big. If you follow me on Instagram, every time I've cooked, I've pretty much put it on there. I've made a few roasts I made a great sandwich last week that loads of people really liked

what are you laughing at? I don't know I just thought you were going to build to roast and you were like I really did some good toast in the morning I just fucking got the marmalade this wasn't just like a fucking slice of ham on a bit of bread.

I know, I know, I know. So what I got, I got a seeded baguette from the Asda. It's actually pronounced baguette. So. I got a seeded baguette.

Seeded baguette. From Asda. I got a seded baguette. A seded baguette. From Asda. I got a whole roast chicken. Put the chicken in the oven. Let it roast for a bit. And then... I don't know why I'm finding it funny. I'm trying to take it serious.

I feel like you're going into too much detail. I took it out of the wrapper. I was breathing. In and it out of the wrapper. I was breathing in and out. Oh, sorry, sorry. I turned the oven on. I held it in my hands. I held it in my hands. I used my hands to hold it and move it.

It's gone. Sorry. You've made your bed. You can fucking lie in it now So I got in my car I put the key Picked up the chicken Put it in the trolley Oh fuck off don't do it

You're doing the fucking Sandwich story equivalent of Bill Burr in Philadelphia oh fuck you I'm gonna tell a 12 minute sandwich story 8 minutes okay I roasted a chicken in the oven how hot are

chickens I roasted the chicken and I did some stuffing some sage and onion stuffing as well nice then I grilled some bacon and I made some

Bisto Best chicken gravy just with the granules so is this a sandwich or the roast? What's happening? Fucking advanced sandwich this.

So I took my chicken out the oven, sliced it, really like not too thin, not too thick. Put the chicken on the baguette.

Baguette. Topped it with a bit of stuffing. Then got the crispy bacon off the grill on top of the stuffing. Yeah. Then got chicken skin off the chicken.

Oh, you dirty bitch. And then got the gravy and put that all over the sandwich and had a gravy chicken skin, chicken fillet, bacon, sage onion stuffing sandwich. And it was orgasmic. Mate. It's two meals meals you've comboed two meals i'm i'm half i'm half surprised you've not gone and then i got some corn flakes and i put a layer of corn flakes on whoa whoa whoa tell me one thing that's on that sandwich that doesn't belong

on it no it just it's it's so advanced but it sounds like a roast. It sounds like you've gone, I want all the fun of a roast, but also sandwich as well. Like a baguette. There was no roast potatoes, no yorkshire puddings, no pigs in blankets. There's not a baguette. No baguette is big enough. No cauliflower, no cabbage.

So here's my problem with that much prep. I put it to you, you're talking shit. No, I am. So here's my problem with that much prep. I put it to you, you're talking shit. No, I am. And I have been doing it for fucking five months. But how... Yeah. How long did that take? This is my problem.

Sounds amazing. I'm sure you enjoyed it. It's too long for a sandwich, that. It's just too long for a sarnie. What if you know you're going to be hungry in two hours you just start making it now? Oh that's fucking

shut down rules aren't it? When I say it took two hours you're not actively doing stuff for two hours. It's just you have to sit in front of the fucking oven.

The chicken takes about an hour and a half to cook. Yeah. And then you've got to let it rest for about 20 minutes before you slice it. That's the two hours. You're not actually doing stuff for to let it rest for about 20 minutes before you slice it. That's the two hours.

You're not actually doing stuff for two hours. You just start it two hours before you eat it. If you do celebrity fucking master chef, what's your, is that going to be one of your go-tos? I'm hoping you get to a level where you get there. I think. Yeah.

That sandwich would be a really good thing to do, but I'm also really good at buffalo wings. Oh, now you're talking talking I make my own buffalo sauce you floated the idea of watching the Superbowl at your place and you talked about buffalo wings and I think next year I'm going to take you up on it yeah I'll have a little Superbowl party in my house

we might have a studio by then we could have a Superbowl party in the studio and stream studio shut the fuck up keep talking yes mate I want a place where I can shout after 8pm do you know why I've not done one live stream gig this isn't just the reason I don't really want to do them

but when people go oh I've got to zoom for a fucking thingy's birthday I'm not doing it because i can't speak loudly after 8 p.m because it's bedtime this studio is great i can talk loudly apart from if my daughter's in bed the super bowl is so fucking eggy when you're trying to watch it and you've got i watched it my mate ben came down from newcastle he drove all the way down he got rat ass we had a few beers laura was heavily pregnant upstairs and i he was like of course we'll be quiet of course we'll be quiet it's 2 30 in the morning the patriots are coming back

against the falcons he's pissed on fucking dark fruit strongbow and he's getting louder and louder and louder and i if you say that's one of the best comebacks in nfl history i'd be like yep and my memory of it is the anxiety of watching a pissed guy from Newcastle nearly wake my angry fucking beast of a pregnant wife up. I would love... You know when people are like, oh, you're getting a studio, really? You're actually going to spend money on renting a studio?

Mainly because now there's going to be a place in it... Do you want to watch the Super Bowl? Where? In a fucking studio surrounded by fucking microphones and orange and white flowers i think that'd be bosto we can invite select comics that are into the nfl they can do it with us they can bring sleeping bags and just sleep on the floor of the studio we don't have to put them up in our fucking houses yes yes mate wow i don't know how we got

from there to sandwiches to there but i'm so happy and to pay for this i have a word podcast we go from everywhere from what do you like to watch at the cinema to rimming old people and super bowl studio parties coming up now we have a word from our sponsor at whichever one it is yeah yeah you keep doing that it's one of them and it's gonna pay for the fucking studio long term thank you doing these adverts makes me want to go to voxel comedy club so much when the shutdown is over when we're free when venues are open again if you like comedy and you're in london or if you're visiting the big smoke go and watch some live stand-up at the Vauxhall Comedy Club.

It's just over the water, near the West End, really central. On a Friday and Saturday night, they have an amazing offer where they do as much booze as you can get. A bottomless booze comedy night. Amazing comedians from the TV, from the circuit. It's 90 minutes, free wine, cider, beer and it's just

£25. There's also a spirit and mixer bottomless ticket and there's also an entry ticket that's just £25. There's also a spirit and mixer bottomless ticket, and there's also an entry ticket that's just £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club is open Monday to Saturday, and it's right next to the amazing Vauxhall Street Food Garden. So obviously, right now, you can't go. But as soon as you can, get down there, enjoy yourself. Adam's played it. I'm looking forward to playing it.

And in the meantime, hit them up on socials, at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Instagram, at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter, at voxel comedy club on instagram at voxel comedy on twitter and voxel comedy club on facebook the show is 18 and over so if you look young and fresh take your id and if you look like me fucking granddad dave you'll get right in see you there voxel comedy club nice one two mics two leads and a lot of time on their hands This is Have A Wad Adam! It's time to have a word With Adam and Dan Tell us all the problems

You have with your friends This was gonna be The whole podcast Now it's just a final 10% Had a lot of people Giving great feedback on that Saying they've been singing it all over the shop driving down the m6 randomly popped into their head then also people telling us they're pissed off because it's stuck in their head and they can't stop singing it

it's fucking amazing can i just say um a thank you to and we'll obviously mainly do this on next Wednesday this week a few days ago we released our first ever Patreon exclusive podcast so it was a big move for us to start putting one weekly behind a paywall so to speak where you can join a membership you can sign up for either £3, £5 or £10

a month and you get an extra podcast episode a week every Wednesday I really enjoyed doing it. The feedback that we've had looks like it might have been our best one. So, if you're not already signed up to the Patreon and you've been umming and ahhing about doing it,

just go to Twitter, have a little look through the things we've retweeted because people really loved Wednesdays. We're being a little bit cheekier and a little bit more open about certain things. we're saying some things behind the paywall that we can't really say publicly and I'm just really grateful Thanks for being vocal about your

support because it's very easy to be like oh I love that podcast and then never say anything about it but if you just go even if you're like oh on Facebook or on Instagram I've only got a few hundred followers. Every time you post something about the podcast,

I'm not even talking about the Patreon episode, even if you've just listened to today and gone, fuck me, that's just so daft, it's made me laugh. If you tweet out, if you put something on Facebook, if you get one person who knows you going, do you know what? So-and-so's got really good taste, I like what they're into, and it gets us another list. It's so appreciated. So thanks for being vocal with your support.

We really do appreciate that. Nothing has helped this podcast more than word of mouth. Like, word of mouth is why this is built to where it is so far and why it's going to continue to build in the future. Keep telling people about it. Keep letting people know that you're listening to it and you find it funny. And we'll keep making the shit for you.

We're very, very grateful. And we love y'all. We love y'all. We do love y'all. Got to have a word for you. This one only came in today, but I really liked it. So I'm doing it straight away because it's my podcast and I'll do whatever they want.

So shut up. You're not me real dad. Literally, none of that information. You could have just been like, we've had to have a word everyone but yep yep adam's like well it's new but never mind fuck you um the person who's written this in wishes to be kept anonymous um right there's she's it's a girl who's written and, I'll say that much she started with

alright, which makes me think she might be from Manchester, but I don't know y'alright is that how you read it? y'alright so I'm going to read it in a mang accent, so I'm sorry to the person who's written this in, if you're not from there message me and tell me

that I'm wrong, if you want alright, I'm frustrated and my first thought was to contact me that I'm wrong if you want. All right, I'm frustrated. And my first thought was to contact you. I'm being a spoiled, ignorant, selfish little bitch. And I'm having a strop because I can't get my own way. I'm seeing my best friend today for a social distancing picnic. Obviously, we're going to get wankered. And the plan was for her to stay at mine as she

lives quite far away. Please don't hate me. I know this is completely breaking the rules and completely out of order, but she does live alone and hasn't had contact with anyone in weeks. But I'm pissed off with my housemate. He's refusing to let her stay at our house. And the reason is that he doesn't want to be risking passing Corona on to his parents. And he's saying it in a righteous way. parents for the night, even during lockdown? Is he equally as bad as me? Why does he get to go and see his parents, but I don't get to see my best friend? If he was that bothered about them catching it, he wouldn't go and see them, or he'd just stay with them all the time until it's over. Who made him the king of the manor? He said in his reasoning, king of the manor. He said in his reasoning,

God forbid anything happens to my parents. Look, I've got a dead parent and it's not even that bad. She's definitely Northern. She's definitely Northern. I'm 26, of course I've got a dead parent. I'm not sorry. Who's got two

parents at 27? I know I'm a selfish wanker, but do you think he is too? Also, thank you for the pod. I'm very grateful for Medela Entertainment. Keep it up. Wow. She travelled around there, didn't she,

in terms of heritage? She started in Manchester and ended up in 1940s West Yorkshire. I travel up and down that hill, I do. Working for Hovis. Na, na, na, na. Right. Oh, it's a juicy one, isn't it?

Housemate doesn't want to. What do you reckon? Well, I want to speak freely on this, Adam. First of all, thank you for having me on the podcast. And I just want to say, before I give my answer, it's a very complicated issue. If you're going to talk like a politician, I'm going to interview you like Piers Morgan.

So, go on. Obviously, before I answer this... I understand that, Mr. Nightingale, but you're avoiding the question. Please, please, I feel like I'm being... No, no, no, no, no. No, I'm not interrupting you. I'm trying to facilitate this interview.

I'm trying to answer. I'm trying to speak to the British public. I'm trying to answer the question. So the question is, who is the arsehole? If you'd let me answer the question, okay? First of all, before I answer the question, I want to say that I respect the question. The question is...

There's 60,000 people dead, Mr Nightingale. Can you tell me? That's not actually the official figures. It's actually 59,287, so... Yes, but that doesn't include the people in care homes, which you're deliberately leaving out because you've made a massive balls... Can I answer the question? I'd like to answer the question i'm trying to i'm trying to answer the question

answer the question i'm trying to i'm trying to answer the question answer the question mr this government believes quite strongly that it is a right of the british people and its elected officials not to answer questions i i let he is not in the right first of all i just before i say this you're not meant to be going to state your parents just because you think you should so it's difficult for him to be like well you can't come here and do that but you can't because i'm going to see my parents so you're basically going well I'm already doing something wrong so you can't also do something wrong because it makes my wrong more dangerous that's well annoying isn't it

he's not meant to be going to stay at his parents I need to level but yeah I haven't listened to a word you've just said because I can't stop thinking about that sandwich I made when you were doing your fake Piers Morgan it's lucky you didn't start going sandwich When you were doing your fake Piers Morgan, it's lucky you didn't start going,

sandwich, answer the sandwich. Answer the sandwich. I've asked you a sandwich, now make a sandwich. Sandwich, eat a sandwich. I want to eat a sandwich, who am I? I'm Piers Morgan, I'm Piers Sandwich. Fuck. He shouldn't be going to stay at his mam's.

She shouldn't really be having a mate stay over. So they're both in the wrong. But also, I know people are in basically health-related self-isolation and have been a week longer than everyone else. And I know you're scared about your health. However, a lot of people now are starting to cut corners on the lockdown i think partly because of sunday's announcement and everything we talked about on monday i would say this though i think he's wrong for going to stay with his mums but it it is his house that he lives that his mum he's staying at his mum and dad's isn't he he's staying he's going to stay his parents

but you didn't say stay at his mum's. You said stay with his mum's. Stay with his mum's? Do you know what I mean? He's got two mums. I think... Fucking Johnny Two Mums over here. Fucking multiple mums. Oh my god. I don't...

I think he's allowed to stop it. I do... I'm not saying he's in the right, but if I had a shared house and someone was like yeah my mates come in and we're doing a picnic which is allowed but they need to stay here i'd be like nah fuck off i think i think he is allowed he is allowed to be like you can't you can fair enough break the rule if you lived on your own, I'm no judgement there but you can't bring someone into a house, that's not on is it? Am I just, am I making

Have you already broke the rule? I think right, they're both as bad as each other but that's very important, they're both as bad as each other and because he's already been doing that and going and staying in a different house and bringing any infection from their And because he's already been doing that and going and staying in a different house

and bringing any infection from there back, he's in no position to tell this girl that she can't do it. No. I think she's got every right to say, you've gone and stayed in your mars plenty. Me mate's staying. I don't, you've risked my health,

so you can't now tell me that I'm out of order for risking yours. Go and stay in your mars if you want before me mate's get here. You can stay there as long as you want. I'm not asked my mate stay and go fuck yourself. Oh, there's the, there's the compromise. There's the compromise. He, I tell you what, if she, I know she wants to be anonymous, but if she wants to literally draw a fair battle line on this one, you can be like, okay, this is your house too. And you don't want someone coming here and infecting

you and right so that's fair enough right so why don't you go and stay tonight at your parents which you already fucking have been doing so therefore i get to have my friend over who's living alone and i'm worried about her mental health we get to have some fucking human time so okay i'm breaking the rules but you have been as well but then you're at your parents so you don't get infected that's a nice that's a very nice little halfway in it i think it's perfect i think this is the first time in about three and a half months that we've actually resolved one of these and i tell you what if he turns around and goes, no, I don't have to, this is my house, he's a fucking cock and ball and you need to, that's the line.

Now, if he'd not been going to his parents and you were like, I need my friend to stay over, I've lived in shared houses before and it doesn't take much to cause some fucking nasty scenes. It can get eggy as fuck in a shared house. I'd be fuming if I'd been isolated and one of my house was like oh we're bored and we want to get drunk and apart. A shared house is

essentially a relationship that you don't get the sexual benefits of isn't it that's the problem that's why it gets eggy in a shared house imagine like if you had no connection to your missus but you still had to live with her everything annoying she does and you haven't got the

I love this person part to make it all okay it's not your family when you're growing up you're basically housemates then but it's your parents you're their kids it's fucking

there's love there living with another human being is unbearable mate I've had my best ever housemate was Andy Hunt big lad from Barnsley and I fucking loved him

and even we had a couple of moments and he was the best housemate I've ever housemate was Andy Hunt, big lad from Barnsley, and I fucking loved him. And even we had a couple of moments, and he was the best housemate I've ever had. He was amazing. And it's still annoying. I left the key in the door once on the side, and he couldn't get in, and he fucking bollocked me. I was like, oh, God.

It was really bad. And it's because sharing a fucking living space with 28-year-olds that drink too much is not easy. Yeah, I think that's the fucking compromise in it piss off to your mum and dad's you're fucking sorry you're right adam you're hungry aren't you i can tell i am thinking about that sandwich you just literally you just weren't there for that last bit when i went you're fucking sorry adam's head's gone you know not in a bad way, not like,

oh, my head's fucking gone. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm just, all I can picture is gravy going onto a chicken sandwich. Oh, mate,

we found a takeaway. We found a takeaway in Chester. We've tried fucking loads that we've not liked. And there's this one on Just Eat and its reviews

aren't that good. And I was like, I've tried every other, the reviews are way better. Finally, made my way around's this one on just eat and its reviews aren't that good and i was like i've tried every other the reviews are way better finally made my way around to this one almost begrudgingly that fuck it we'll give it a try oh it's amazing we've had it last two nights oh i'm gonna get so fucking fat and happy i think i might get it should i go for the hat trick oh yeah brook street i started dieting today because i want to be skinny again but i might that was so fucking funny that those two pictures you put on this is me a few years ago i lost weight i was a beautiful man and the picture that you posted of your fucking head your big lockdown

your big rona head you know this picture's been going around the internet of like these are uh this is a symptom of the Ronin. They've been showing, like, sore toes. I think if you showed your fucking head, I'd be like, that's also a symptom. You're definitely such a... My head's... The other day when Davina did that video on Twitter,

it's on the Have A Word fucking Twitter, I did a video singing Ronin Keaton because of this. I stand for Have A Word. She was like, you sound like you're doing because of this. It's time I have a word. She was like, you sound like you're doing It's amazing. So I sang the song and then afterwards I was like, oh, that's funny. I'll make some people laugh there. I got home and I was looking at it and I really nearly

deleted it because my fucking head looks so fat and round. Oh. My hair is becoming a serious problem and I only noticed it yesterday because yesterday what we were doing in the house was

what we've done for the past few weeks every time we do a clothes wash we do some laundry as soon as they're clean and dry we've just put them in a bin bag and thrown the bin bag into our box room so we've gone through all of our clothes because every time something gets cleaned,

it essentially gets locked away forever. So we've just been going through all the stuff. So yesterday, because we're doing this swap around of the two rooms,

we said, right, we need to sort the house out before we do that. So the first thing to do is the clothes room. So we've gone through, we've got,

there's nothing in the clothes room at the minute apart from storage. And we're just going through everything we've got, trying it on. And clothes room at the minute apart from storage and we're just going through everything we've got, trying it on and if it doesn't fit or we don't like it, it's going in the bin. I about 12%

of my clothes fit. Jesus. I'm throwing coats, jackets, shoes, everything's going in the fucking bin. And I was trying something on, I think, like a hat, I don't know, but I looked at me face and I was like, look at the fucking size of my head.

And that's when I did that post. You have got, I'm not joking, you know, there's a lot going on with your head, isn't there? Like, you've got, there's a lot going on. Like, you know, some people are like,'t there's not there's not many features you've got a very busy head i've got the beard i've got the eyebrows i've got a dodgy eye a tiny up nose a lot going on you know if you committed a crime and there was like a sketch for you, the artist who was doing your...

They get halfway through going, I'm fucking... My hand's killing me. I'm fucking... Going through three pencils for this fucking... Oh, you're getting nasty, Dan. I remember you used to be sound. He could tell he's hungry.

Like, what's your comeback? I haven't got a comeback. I just want a sandwich. I'm fucking starving. Here's the song. And the song is Sandwich, Sandwich, Tasty Sandwich by The Subways.

The song is called Sick and Sin. It's by a band called Weekends Away who has been featured before. Their Instagram is weekends.away underscore. That's weekends.away underscore. The song is thick and thin. It's an absolute falcon tune.

We'll see you all again on Monday. I'll always feel nervous when I'm with you My brain's screaming at me saying don't fuck this up now I wanna spend the rest of my life with you I want you by my side, don't wanna be left behind Left behind I wanna watch you grow up with me I wanna watch you achieve your dreams Be the happiest you can be And we'll stay together through thick and thin And I'll sing this song to you

And I will sing this song to you I remember the first time I laid my eyes upon you That nervous smile, it took me by surprise never smile it took me by surprise there are no words to describe how I feel about you when I'm with you

girl time flies by time flies by I wanna watch you grow Time flies by. I want to watch you grow up with me. I want to watch you achieve your dreams. Be the happiest you can be. And we'll stay together through fear and sin. And I'll sing this song to you.

And I will sing this song to you Is there something I have never said before I cannot believe that I am yours Is there something I have never said before.