Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #57 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

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Don't be a Tory. Down your turbo shandy and tell a friend. This is Have a Word. Oh, we're back. We're back. Fucking weekend off. What was that about? What was that? Proper long weekend.

It's just got a bit weird. I was like, fucking hell. Felt like I've been furloughed from the podcast. Back-to-back days off for the first time in two months. Jesus Christ, you know things have got weird when one of us gets furloughed. That's a fucking awkward email, isn't it, on a two-man podcast.

Dan, I've been looking at the numbers. We're making a bit on sponsoring. Everyone's been really supportive on Patreon, but we're going to have to probably put you on 80 wages all right see you later adam just monologuing to fucking save money oh what did you do with it what did you what did you do you have a nice question right i know it's just because we care it's because it's i think we've mentioned this on previous podcasts just because otherwise we're like at each other all the time going, well,

have you thought about this? Have you emailed that person? I think we try and leave each other alone a little bit in those gaps now, just so we're not like, cause this morning I did my thing of like morning, Adam, some fucking questions. Cause it's pod day.

That's different. So I left you alone, but yeah, it was a bit weird. I got to Sunday. I was like, fuck, um,

what should we do got to that point which I think has probably been most people's experience in the shutdown they've had those days already but because we've been banging out so much fucking stuff and we've had all sorts going on here everything's levelling out a bit we had a moment of like I might just

chill out got like that I've spent pretty much all weekend doing the penultimate edit notes for my stand-up special. I also teased this on Twitter before. I've mentioned it on the podcast already.

It seems a bit of an insiders club, really, isn't it? It's definitely going to be ready. It's coming out on Saturday the 30th of May on YouTube. I just want to ask everyone who listens to this to go and subscribe to my YouTube channel because that's where it's going to go, which is youtube.com slash adamrokecomedy.

But also tomorrow at midday lunchtime on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, I'm going to put the artwork out, like announcement for everyone else. Do us a favor, everyone on this, just go and like it and comment on it because the more people that like it and comment on it and retweet it and share it the more people are going to see it and go and subscribe

I just want people to see this fucking thing it's good I'm really proud of it I think people especially fans of this podcast are going to find it dead funny and you know why not put a stand up special out when no one's got anything else to fucking do I think it's i mean

everyone listening will will get behind it and enjoy it because it'd be fucking weird if you enjoyed us talking shit and then we're like yeah when adam prepares stuff it's just not for me when he's actually had time to think about what he's saying it loses something like it'll be amazing but i thought that when tom sagura brought out Ball Hog like two weeks into the shutdown, I was like, fuck me, that's good timing, isn't it? I mean, the reason Tiger King booted off, not it is good, Tiger King would have got some traction anyway, but because it was just to the point where we're like,

fuck, Netflix wants something to do. And then Tom Segura brought out Ball Hog. I was like, oh man, man he's excellent but that will do his career I mean that could give him like a 30-40% boost from where it would have been just because

it was the big Netflix release at the start of a shutdown when everyone was when everyone felt like they'd completed Netflix hopefully everyone's savvy enough to be like

wow Adam's quality let's go and hunt him out on YouTube watch it properly YouTube's so good these days in terms of picture quality. It's the same as watching it on Netflix, essentially. Yeah, it's in HD. It's not quite 4K, the one I'm putting out,

but it's full HD and stuff. It's going to be dead good. Where would you... Go on, sorry. I think the weird thing we're putting out during a shutdown is, realistically, the reason any comedian puts a stand-up special out is for two reasons normally.

It's, first of all, to make money. Like Netflix, if Netflix give you one, you get whatever they pay you for it, depending on your profile and whatever. And the second one is to sell tickets. Now, I'm putting a standup special out, which is going to do neither of those things because at the minute I haven't got any tour dates because I don't know when we're going to be back. So it's not like people can watch it and then go,

fuck, I need to see this guy live and go and find tour dates because they're just not there. And I'm not going to make any money from it because it's going out for free on YouTube. So it's weird putting a special out at the minute, which is not going to generate any ticket sales or sales because I'm not selling it because I just want people to see it.

But I'm just hoping that enough people watch it and find me and then find this podcast. And then when we do come back, they go, oh, I watched this special and I hope they don't forget about it. I just wanted to get me some new fans as well as build on the ones i've already got you gotta have the you've got to have the stuff to do the you know online bit i mean i held back for years i've done little bits and bots but you've got to be a good comedian who isn't getting the love on live at the apollo or whatnot and be like i've got this content and i want people to watch it. There's loads of comics who are decent,

but they don't have the self-confidence to throw stuff against the wall and try it. I think what you're doing is, is brilliant, especially because it's not, um, it's not like a, the same as a Netflix special where it's like a full tour show at a theater.

It's something a little different, isn't it? It's like a reflection of circuit life and a night on the circuit. Yeah. Well, I'm really happy with one of the trailers that's going to go out and one of the bit at the end

during the credits, backstage one night I filmed the other comedians talking about me while I was on stage and it just looks really funny it just gives you a little insight to what a green room is like while the show's on and comedians just being a bit bitchy it's funny as fuck and all the comedians involved

did they know? did they know? or did you just press record? ah right yeah yeah yeah they did know I wouldn't do that because first of like for those who don't know what I'm talking about you'll see this in the credits of the special

I've set what looks like a hidden camera up backstage at the comedy club that I filmed this show at. And there's like four of the comedians in there. And while I'm on, they're basically slagging me set off, slagging me off, calling me a prick. And they all knew they were being filmed, obviously. The reason you can't do that really, for real, is because it does happen

like it you could be the nicest best comedian in the world when you go on stage they're a bit of bitchiness backstage i don't want to know what people say when i'm on stage it's absolutely none of my fucking business yeah so i couldn't have done it for real but it is there's some comics that wouldn't there's a lot that wouldn't. There's a lot of good comics. Also, there's a lot of comics astute enough to know that even if they don't like someone, there might be a friend of the comic in the dressing room. But then there are just some fucking snakes.

Yeah. Who are just like... Literally, all they want to do is like, it used to be the old jonglers, the way of the old jonglers gigs, the old fucking McDonald's franchise, stag doos, hen doos, the dressing rooms were dire places, awful. And some of those comics have learned to adapt and they've become nicer. The circuit is generally a nicer place,

but there's one or two characters on the circuit who, I mean, I don calling as fucking smart like you just call the act what they are like be honest you don't have to be nicey nice that's even more sinister but there's some guys that just got pure evil in the heart like yeah oh they're doing well aren't they like yeah yeah are they you're like all right you miserable cunt so funny because i've seen the clip and one of the comics that adam's got doing it is al barry who's a very good comic and a nice guy but he fuck me does he come across as a tory cunt and he's not he's not but left wing you would believe yeah he he's he's so he he rocks the pompous vibe very well so for him to be like oh god oh he's doing that like oh god like it's very funny you won't say what he says because it'll ruin it but very funny what i'm really happy with is i've sent the clip to a few

comics and gone what you think of this and more more than half of the comics I've had to ask me, is that real? Yeah, that's what you want. Even comedians are looking at it going, fuck, did you film backstage? That would be breaking comedy law, that, to film a green room without the comics knowing. Because we've mentioned

on this podcast, but the shit that gets said in green rooms makes every offensive joke ever told by a comedian on stage pale in comparison green rooms especially if you get a good one where you're all mates and you all know each other well it's a fucking feisty little thing you'd all be inaudible to each other and even more audible to people who aren't there you can't film that and then put it on the internet without people's fucking permission and yeah very differently that'd be a real breach of trust wouldn't it i'll tell you who else is a cunt um i think very different from that from what i was talking about about people just being nasty and cynical there are some of those characters and you just try and avoid them and i think they i think there's their numbers are

dwindling because i just think people are like behave yourself just be a better person be a better human you can you can think someone's a knob that's different than just being nasty and bitchy but uh comics do not enjoy comics telling other comics how well they did it's just not in our nature to be like if we sit around and or ring each other on the way back from gigs no comics like oh tell us um tell me who you've seen do amazingly recently you're like oh loads of comics loads of good guys you know sean collins my very good on his fucking ass lad who was the worst person you gigged with this week fucking ass lad who was the

worst person you gigged with this week did you hear have you heard is the one of the best is one of the

best dressing room or drive from a gig things like have you heard about and you're like

and instantly all comedians you know like like fucking what are they called on the

meerkats on the prairie have you heard about so and so died on his fucking hoop all of a sudden all the comedians

in the dressing room were like heads up what was that who died someone had a fucking terrible one I hope he doesn't mind me saying this and he will be one of the guests that we really hurry on as soon as we get the studio sorted and we can have guests on

he'll be one of my first choices a good mates man who we've mentioned before is Alfie Brown who is from down south, he's from London, but his family are from Merseyside like his heritage and he's a massive Liverpool fan he adores Liverpool

and I was there for he was comparing as well an absolute stinker of a gig he had. Now, I think Alfie is one of the best comedians in the country. I love him. Go and check out his work. He's phenomenal. He's a bit rock and roll, isn't he?

I'm not even going to tell the story. I'm just teasing this for when Alfie's on the pod because I'm going to make him tell it in his own words. It's fucking amazing. I can't wait for people to hear it. Oh, comedians. Just comedians dying. You're like, oh, why is it so enjoyable?

Not new comedians. That's not as fun. That's not as fun. That's like watching a fucking, I don't know, like an amateur boxer get knocked out. You're like, oh, God, they've just started. Like the under-16s, and he's got fucking completely KO'd. You're like, god they've just started like the under 16s and he's got fucking completely ko'd you're like yeah that's not as funny we're talking about the pros who've

had a few fights when they get fucking lamped out of the ring by some nasty crowd or it's just some fucking brutal heckle you're like i love it is there have you got a bad gig in your head that is your go-to bad gig story? Have you got one that you remember as like the worst one for whatever reason? I've got a, yeah, yeah. And this is the weird thing.

Some, sometimes they're so crap, but they're like not funny crap. They're just shit where you've been let down by the person who booked it the people are a bit cunty the setup's crap the lighting's wrong and then you've not been great you know there are like comics like it's their fault it's sometimes on us you know like it's it's a combination of them but i've done gigs where it's been in the wall and i'm like i could have played that way better and then there's other times i'm like fuck i'm basically a victim here i i've i've had a couple of bad ones one in liverpool when i was starting out

i was probably about four or five years in at rawhide when it was down at the Albert Docks and I've got a couple of bad corporate stories. In fact, I've got three. I've got three gigs and I know exactly what they are and they're brutal for different reasons. The two corporate ones, and they're not proper gigs so they're almost like not the same. The two corporate ones, one, I did an afternoon gig here in Chester at the Abode Hotel,

which was swanky as fuck, and it was run by a guy who's been involved in comedy for about 10, 15 years, in and out, he's now out, and he's one of these people that talks a good game, but he's not to be fucking trusted, because they chat shit. Got me 300 quid to speak at a charity afternoon dinner for all the Cheshire cunts. And it was this Sahara drive across the desert. And they got these cars, they painted them, they were having a fundraiser. And I said to him, I'll do it. It's handy. No problem. But I need to know there'll be a mic and a microphone, all the usual. Don't let me down on that. Of course, the organizer had literally said to him, does he need a mic and a microphone stand? the usual, don't let me down on that. Of course, the organiser had literally said to him,

does he need a mic and a microphone stand? And he'd gone, nah. When I was booting off afterwards, when I got there and there wasn't a mic and a mic stand, I went, it's imperative. I literally said, and she showed me the text message from this numpty promoter where she went, does he need a mic and a mic stand? And he went, no.

Fucking, I've never been all right with this cunt. I will literally, that kind of like, so selfish, that shit. I walked on, there was no microphone, and they basically didn't know they were getting comedy. The organiser was like, yeah, this is fine. And, oh my God, I ate my balls, but I didn't just eat my balls. Adam, I ate my balls, but I didn't just eat my balls. Adam, I ate my balls without a microphone.

There is something so validating about having the technical equipment in your hand. You're like, right, well, you're a bunch of 60 bellends, but I'm the 61st bellend, but I've got a microphone that's connected to these speakers, and these lights are pointing at me. Now, you might be twats, but at least I look proper. If you take that away, you're just a bell end shouting in the corner of a hotel fucking function suite going, Hi, guys, you all right? I did.

I'm not even joking. I was booked for half an hour. I did eight minutes joking. I was booked for half an hour. I did eight minutes and it was, I've never known a worse effort. They gave me two minutes of like annoyed concentration. And then the whole of the back of the room went and the front of the room looked appalled. And I went, do you know what guys, I think we might have to walk away from this one and just put it down to misadventure. And a woman at the front went just quietly so no one else could hear,

but me just went, yeah. Yeah, just probably just let us have our afternoon. Yeah, let us have our dinner like that. Probably just let us finish our nice dinner. And I was like, oh, I couldn't call her a dick. She wasn't being a dick. In fact, it was, I couldn't call her a dick. She wasn't being a dick. In fact, it was,

it was, I actually knew exactly what she meant. And I walked off to the most like, I did a corporate in, oh fucking, that's literally giving me the cold shivers. I did a corporate in Preston that was so bad. And my agent at the time had gone,

yeah, it's cash. Just pick up the cash afterwards. The only problem with getting paid cash for corporates is they don't give a shit if they don't pay you because they don't need comedians ever again they're not part of the circuit on the circuit if you don't pay a comedian we're on the phone to each other we're on the we're on facebook going this guy's a fucking thief and we try and blacklist them companies are like i couldn't give a fuck we'll use a musician next time we'll get karaoke it will be better i ate my fucking balls

but did my time because i was like i'm not gonna let these cunts not pay me i did my time i fucking hoofed it massive chessboard dance floor and all these bell ends just outside preston staring at me and at the end of it i went for my money and he refused to pay me oh the absolute humiliation he went do you think i'm paying you for that shit did you get paid though eventually my agent got half the fee but you did all your time i did my time but i made what was this company oh man, mate, I blocked it out. It was 10 years ago. 10 years ago. It was at the Marriott Hotel just north of Preston. I cannot tell you how much fucking damage I'd have done to that company through hook or crook.

If I did my time at a corporate and they refused to pay me because it wasn't whatever they wanted it to be, and they were, oh, here's half the money, I would make sure that through criminal damage or something else, I will take the rest of my fee out of that somehow.

Like if they, if they, let's say they were meant to pay you 500 quid and they gave you 250. I'm doing at least 250 quid worth of damage to some windows. I'm slashing some tires on BMWs.

I'm shitting on your windscreen. I'm doing. You're doing a 250 pound shit which with adam's medical history i honestly this is how much i can't do deal with that level of eggy in my life he said that to me he and the woman was like trying to apologize like i'm so sorry oh it's so difficult but it just didn't go very well and he was like i'm not paying for that shit and i just went cool and i just walked because i'm not having a fucking argument with some bellend surrounded by all his bellend like staff and i just walked and i got straight on the phone to my agent kicked off

and from that point on adam you'll be so unsurprised to hear they never did cash corporates ever again they made the corporate pay before the gig which is is an industry standard and we should have had in place already you can't have cash corporates it just doesn't work because they're like ah fuck i don't give a shit we're plumbers i don't give a fuck if dan nightingale hates us but oh my, it was brutal. And I never even thought to take revenge on the company. I am such a, like, in that situation, I'm like, I just want to walk away from it.

I don't want it in my life. And in Liverpool, the gig that I died, I was starting out, and I ate my balls for 19 minutes in Liverpool on the Albert Dock. This was about five years in. And they were being nice with me, but they didn't like me. There was chatting. They weren't shouting. And on about minute 18,

this guy stood up and decided he was going to heckle me. And the crowd hadn't laughed at me for a good, I'd say I was in the 12th minute of eating my balls, but I was trying to do my time. And he stood up

and he walked round the stage towards the toilet. And he was like, this fucking shites me. So I was like, this fucking shits me. So I was like, thanks, mate. As if it's not hard enough. Now you're giving me shit. And he kept going and he was still talking and he was looking at the stage while giving me shit.

The crowd were like, not on his side, not on my side. They were almost like, yeah, he is shit. This guy's got a point. But he's like, yeah, fucking dreadful, mate. Don't know how you call yourself a fucking comedian comedian you want to have a look at yourself and he wasn't looking at the glass door for the toilets and in his fucking periphery all he could see was the shape of a doorway and he went to say another thing while looking at me and walking sideways and fucking slammed into that glass door. It was like comical.

You know when you do a fake slam? It was amazing. He bounced off it. It got a massive round of applause and I walked. I was like, I'll take it. They laughed so much at that guy walking into the glass door.

That's how much of a whore comedians are for laughter. I was like, oh fuck, they're laughing. Thank you, good night. I just... Oh, totally. Do you know what's really bad? Oh, they're laughing. Thank you, goodnight. I just... Oh, totally. Do you know what's really bad? Oh, that's worked.

Literally giving me heartburn talking about those three gigs. You know, the worst thing you can see though as another comic, as a performer or even as an audience member is,

you know when you're at a comedy club, it's Friday night, Saturday night, whatever and one of the acts on the bill, like what you've just been talking about, the audience is just not going for it. There's a temptation as a comedian to overrun and chase one big laugh.

And it's one of the most distressing things as a colleague to ever watch one of your colleagues do. So a comedian will be on stage and for 10 minutes, they're booked to do 20 minutes, industry standard is 20 minutes, and from minute 10 to minute 20, they've got titters at most

and next to no reaction. It's not happening. And what you're meant to do is go, fuck this, I'm off, and just walk off to the sound of your own footsteps if you have to, once you've done your time. Or if the promoter flashes you early,

if it's going that bad, sometimes a good promoter will give you an out and on 12, 15 minutes, they'll flash you and go, fuck this. Just get off, give the audience a break and we'll get the next act. That's the white towel.

That's the corner throwing in the white towel in it. Essentially. You need to wait for the light because if you walk off without that, the promoter can go, you've only done 11 minutes, I'm not fucking paying you for that. So you have to either do your time or be given a signal that you can fuck it off. And the worst thing that you can see is

just a comedian going, no, right, I'll do one more bit, and I'll get one big laugh, and then that doesn't get a laugh. And no, well, I'll do one more. And sometimes it means that comedians who've had the worst gig of the night are the one that the audience sees the most of. They're in like the 27th minute of a 20 minute set

flogging a dead fucking horse. It's almost like, you know, if you're a first responder and you do CPR on someone, there is a point where they're not coming back. When you're in the 27th minute of going, like, pressing on the chest, like, yeah, he's definitely gone.

Phil, leave it, mate. And lowering the coffin into the ground. Clear! What's your one that comes back? It's at the forefront. It's not in the forefront. It's at the back of every comic's mind, the gig that makes you go...

Hero. There's one that I've told the story of before on the podcast which was a christmas do at the crown pub where hot water used to be and it was so silent i heard someone say i thought he was supposed to be a comedian which was not cool oh. Actually, my first tryout for junglers, right? So this was eight years ago, and it was in Leeds, but not the good Leeds room that became highlights. It was in, like, Oceania, I think, the nightclub. Stinky Leeds. I hope he doesn't mind me saying this, but I'm going to do it.

So the compare goes on, and I'm the open spot but I'm going to do it. So the compare goes on and I'm the open spot. I'm booked to do five minutes, right? Or maybe it was 10, 10, I think. And the compare had done a good job. He was having a good gig. And the opener and the second act, who were both in the first section, had ropeyy ones then there was a break and then it was me and then the closing act and the compé went on and he ripped it again and then he went right

your next act coming on is a new act they don't get paid they're just here to showcase their skills and he's from liverpool and there was a stag do in from man Manchester and they booed for about 25 seconds before I'd walked on. And I was too new to know how to deal with that. Oh yeah. And I walked on and the rest of the audience sort of humored me for about a minute.

I was getting a few giggles and then it just went to fucking shit and I was definitely meant to do 10 minutes because I walked off after about six and a half and just thought, this is just, I just said,

thanks guys, thanks for having us. Walked off and the comp page goes, yeah, but what happened when they, when that sag dude booed,

I thought the comp was going to fix it, but he didn't. He just went, don't be booing him. He's a new act. He's coming. He's doing it for free.

Give it up for Adam Rowe. And then the closing act of the bagging as well the only act that had a good gig that night was the comp here because it was one of those gigs where the audience just want crowd interaction I ate a dick for five and a half of the six and a half minutes was like the first minute I was

alright they gave me a bit of humour time and what had happened was this was when Jonglers was just on it's way of going to shit and they were getting the DJ of the nightclub to do the feedback for the comedy. So he would write the feedback, oh, this guy was good,

he should get more work or whatever. The DJ only watched me first minute, so I actually got a paid booking from Jonglers off the back of this gig. That's right. Feedback was, starts really strong, seems like he's good.

Yeah, I'd give him paid work. And he fucked off after 60 seconds and didn't realise I walked off three and a half minutes early to fucking ambivalence from the audience. Do you know who the compere was? Have you never seen me before? Kane Brown.

Kane Brown. Upset me. Nasty open spot. Do you know why he didn't Have you never seen me before? Kane Brown. Kane Brown. Cha! Upset me. Nasty open spot. Do you know why he didn't, in that situation, get on top of that? Because he was like, Cha, that's racism.

But that's white-on-white racism. No one gives a shit about that racism. As if you could go, Kane, excuse me. Listen, I suffered white-on-white regional discrimination there as a Liverpudlian. I don't know if you picked up on it. I was booed because of where I'm from, and I think you should have dealt with that.

You're like, fam, I'm black. What are you on about? Fuck it. All of that bullshit. Are you from there? Well, I'm from near there. Oh, my God. It's so... Do you know what? so tired sort of grown as a comic though

and develop new skills when i walk on in manchester and i get booed now it helps me yeah because i've got a bit and i've got the skills to immediately flip it and i basically just have a go at warrington that's what i do it's a bit cheap oh yeah what it does is it turns the whole room from he's a fucking scouser boo fucking we're all manx and then the whole room goes and he's actually funny and we do all like warrington to be fair so fuck that even more and it's and it's just a bit of a gig it's just a it's a bit of circus in it it's a bit of theater you know they don't really fucking they don't really hate you it's's just a little bit like, eh. I'll tell you what, it happens less, though, at the Frog now.

That's the difference. When I first started out at the Frog, people were from Manchester, Oldham, Rochdale, all around. And now it's just like loads of graduates and young professionals who are like, oh, we've come to comedy at the Frog and Bucket. Oh, great. And I'm from Liverpool. Okay, that's another place I'm not from. Let's hear your ideas and even even in liverpool now i've got that bit about the mancunian accent

that always works well i say i lived in manchester for 10 years that used to get a full like and even hot water sometimes they're like yeah we're not from here either so don't worry about like they're all from over there's like like tourism, because, ah, it's funny. Funny how it happens. Do you remember your routine about giving Liverpool the independence it wants? Oh, fuck, I do, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you would put, like, loads of shockers round the state of Merseyside and blow it off. It'd float off into the Irish Irish city and for the first time

ever it makes sense Wigan's got a pier. That's what you used to say, isn't it? Do you know why I remember that so clearly? Because you, at the laugh-in in Chester, and I seen there was a moment where you realised what you'd done. I'd done it before you.

In the middle section, before bringing me on, you did this five to ten minute anti-scouse, really good, funny bit of stand-up. And I went, right, thanks, guys. Your next act, Adam Rowe. Oh! And as you started saying the word Rowe,

I seen in your eyes, you went, oh, I've done me scouse bit. And I went on, it was fine. I had a good gig. And when I come off, you were like, mate, I'm so fucking sorry that I did that to you. And it didn't matter on, it was fine. I had a good gig. And when I come off, you were like, mate, I'm so fucking sorry that I did that to you and it didn't matter.

But it was so funny as a fairly new act watching you rip the place apart with an anti-scouse bit. And then Adam, oh! Oh,

by the way, anyone who's listening to Liverpool go, what the fuck's that, Dave? What did you say? I literally was like, Liverpool's great,

but they love it, don't they? They really love it. A lot of places don't love where they are. Like, if you go to some towns, like, oh, yeah, it's fucking shitty here. You go to Liverpool, like, I fucking love this city. It's the best city in the world. And I think that is fact.

I was like, why don't we give them the independence they clearly want? Not just, we'll blow them off the mainland they'll float it doesn't make any sense we'll float them off the the independent island of scouse and the and the punchline was and for the first time ever it'll make sense that wiggins got up here that was the fucking job it wasn't like horrific anti-scouse banter it's still not as bad and i know i'm repeating myself from the podcast but when Liam at the Frog asked for me to do the Niggit McChuckins bit and I did

the Niggit McChuckins story and then brought a black guy on that was that's a different level of bellend that is fucking hell but yeah on the 30th of May

please go and watch my stand-up special. And tomorrow, please go and like and share all the posts about it and any you see from now until when it comes out. A little like, a little retweet, a little share, a little comment. It all helps. It helps me a lot. I'd appreciate it. Okay.

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but I'm feeling triggered. It must be Havawad with Adam and Dave. Okie doke. Right, let's crack on with the second section. Oh my goodness me. We were going to swap

around responsibilities for this. We need to do that. Now, Adam. I think we should start doing actually I think Monday one of us should do the whole episode and Friday the other one should do the whole episode and Wednesday we'll do it together I think that would be better from now on yeah if you want that would be sweet

okay good so first of all this is for stellar stee oh yeah his stellar pint glass that his has been pissing in she pissed too hard and the glass is dead uh he took a picture of the... I hope someone is listening who hasn't listened to that episode. I don't know. If you are the kind of bellend that jumps in at episode 57

and thinks, oh, I don't really get the references, just track back a little bit, eh? Fucking hell. Oh, I didn't get the wire. I finished... I started on season three, but I just couldn't pick it up.

No shit. So, yeah, Stee's missus broke the fucking glass that she wheezed in. And he's like, oh, I'm gutted. And I know, in my head I was like, should we start a GoFundMe? But then there's not much point because we'd get to like £2.20 and then be done. This is from Ricky hello chaps

not really I have a word or any feature that you do but I'm sat pissed watching Gary Barlow's crooners on YouTube and Jason Manford is on there singing with him just wondered what you thought about a comedian doing stuff like this like shows, singing or musicals

what's your thoughts, Adam? I mean, your career trajectory, I could see this within seven years. Like, oh my God, have you heard Rose in Hamilton? I don't know what part he's playing. Cha! I'm sending it! Because you like a musical, you like it. Darling, you do like a little bit of musical theatre, don't you?

I do. So... Sorry, mate, I'm just a bit yawny. I miss those coffees. I think the thing with Jason is, and I don't know Jason that well. I've met him a few times. I get the impression from Jason that he didn't just want to be a comedian. He wanted to be an entertainer.

Mr. Saturday Night. He's got a really good singing voice and I think he always wanted to do what he's doing now. Hosting TV shows, hosting award shows, singing, doing whatever he can that his skills will take him to. A lot of good comedians do. A lot of good comedians huh a lot of good

comedians i mean when you're a kid you don't start going to comedian groups or anything you know you do a little bit of fucking drama or you sing in a choir or i'm literally just talking about myself but if i like you then as an adult you find comedy and you want to do it but there's still a little bit of you who's like ah fucking, fucking love a good sing and a show. I am. I have this conversation a lot. Whenever my agent sets up a meeting with a producer in London, who is part of like the TV industry or whatever,

they always ask a very similar question, which is always along the lines of what are you using stand up for? What's the goal? What's next? What do you cut? So is it, you lines of what are you using stand-up for what's the goal what's next what do you cut so is it you want to be you know do you want to be in sitcoms you want to write a sitcom do you want to do this and that neither i always um my answer is i want to do stand-up so that i can do more bigger stand-up so i will do anything that facilitates selling stand-up tickets or gets me better at stand-up yeah what they're totally not understanding i'd do sitcoms film i'd do any of those things to help sell more tickets they see it as like would you do stand up to get those

things and then stop doing stand-up no fam get me those things get me all of those things and then stop doing stand-up no fam get me those things get me all of those things and then i'll be able to sell even more fucking tickets yeah i am i think some people think that like stand-up can never be the end game like that's the most important thing and i think people are like i think certainly in the tv industry they're like oh well you're only doing stand-up so you get a sitcom and of course you'll tour off the back of it but it's all about getting that sitcom isn't it and getting getting that writing work and whatever. It's not the case for me. I want to be one of the best stand-ups the UK has ever produced.

That's what I want to be. I'm not saying I'll ever get there, but that's what I would like. That's my goal. And I feel like if you set a massive goal like that, you'll get, you'll certainly do well regardless of whether you actually reach it. However, I do in recent times

think i'd i've come around to the idea of doing a bit of acting as well not necessarily comedy acting darling darling i'd love to be like in some stuff yeah yeah it very... I reckon I could be a baddie in Corrie. Mate, come on. You can do better. How bad is anyone in Corrie? You want to get your fucking teeth into something a bit grittier than... You want to be a bit Netflix or a bit, you know, HBO. Not Corrie, like, oh, no.

He's closing down the core factory. I reckon I could be a lawyer as well what? I reckon I could be a lawyer in what? in like a lawyer program what lawyer program? what we need is a hairy young

scouse lawyer and we're really struggling to cast it I can't. I know you can act, but I still think... All right, they're lying. These fuckers don't even know him. Leave it.

It's paid his bill. I can't afford it. Don't speak. Don't speak. Say no comments. I've been watching The Good Wife a lot lately. What? What? What the fuck? The Good Wife? The Good Wife a lot lately. What? What?

What the fuck? The Good Life? The Good Wife. I thought you said The Good Life. I was like, Adam, what the fuck are you watching? The Good Life's about a couple that live in the suburbs of Surrey and they're self-sustained because they grow veg and they don't have jobs. I'm like,

yeah, I've been watching The Good Life a lot, you know, with Tom and Barbara and I'm thinking, I'd love to play a fucking lawyer.

What? How bad's your ADD? No, The Good Wife and like, I'm just, I can see myself fitting in

in like a Chicago law firm. I feel, I feel, What are you laughing at? Right. Cool. Let's do it. Let's do it. We're just, this is the audition.

Hi, Adam. Great to see you. Great to see you. We're really excited about what you can do for Chicago Law, the new HBO show, Chicago Law. That's what we named it because we just thought fuck it keep it simple you know a lot of the people that watch this show are fucking gonna be stupid so this is gonna be fine okay so we're just gonna do a little bit of ad-lib uh you come into the uh i come into the office like I come into the office like,

okay, and just roll with it. Okay, scene. Oh, I need some representation. I'm in a fucking bad spot. What have you done, lad? Scene. Okay, Adam. Adam, I'm going to stop you there.

I know you try to speak English words, but obviously we're from the United States, and I don't know what accent that was, but it wasn't Chi-town. There was no part of Illinois. No, no, but I'm a scouser in the program. Oh, sorry. I moved to Chicago.

I smashed it in England. I'm like the best defense lawyer in England. So Chicago have like put a bid in and i've gone yeah but you know oh god this is the plot this is the plot but you've come against up against some fucking cocaine deal that's it you're fucking brilliant slightly rogue liverpool lawyer but you've come up against some fucking lid cocaine selling like gang and you've done something essentially virtuous, you know, you've pissed them off and now they're hunting you down, but you've got a cousin who moved to America when he was a kid and you go over and

start, this is brilliant, fucking get this off the podcast, this is an idea, what are we calling it, and then you go over and you start you start practicing law which probably doesn't work but never mind you get like a French exchange letter like eat this ah yeah this is Adam

he's dead good at the law so let him practice it over there and what can we call it Chicago law no it's gotta be it's gotta be something else Chicago

law he's a fucking genius it's gotta be it's there's gotta be something else chicago la mate and everyone in america be like what the fuck is this show i thought it was chicago la i don't know what this is about everyone in liverpool is going have you fucking seen chicago la it's quality. It's fucking quality. Come on, back to the scene. All right, okay. I want to act. You want to act?

This is it. Yeah. You can write the program. I didn't say I want to write a program. I said I want to act. I'm not... I've got ADD, mate. I'm not even sure I can concentrate for this scene that we're talking.

That's why you can't act. Okay. Adam. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry i'm the oh god i'm having a hard time i i got it i got a piece that i you don't know i'm from new york i can't do chicago i got a piece and i i shot it off in the street some fucking it went crazy and i need representation the fucking what do they call what five oh is to really bust my balls can you will you represent me fucking hell lad sit down right

listen do you want a Lucasade what the fuck is a Lucasade do they have Lucasade in America I don't think so do you want a Lucasade

I've had them imported from Liverpool it's a scouse drink you'll like a Lucasade orange is the best original makes you a bit of a paedophile if you drink that

so you don't want to have an original orange Luco do you original. Orange Luco. Do you want an Orange Luco? What about... I think I need one. I think I need one. Some Space Raiders as well. I'm going to have a pack of Space Raiders while we're chatting. I'm trying to imagine

what a fucking guy who needed legal help would be doing in your office going, what the fuck is a Space Raider? What's... Why did you call me a pedophile? No, you're not a pedophile. You have the orange one. There you go. It's nice. Right, so,

tell me what's happened. A watermelon Lucozade. Did you see me drink it? Is that why you said Lucozade? No! I said Lucozade, because Lucozade is a good scouse drink. Who drinks watermelon Luco Lucasade is a good scouse drink. Who drinks watermelon Lucasade?

A fucking Tory, mate. I can't tell you how much restraint I'm having to show to not be homophobic here. Oh. Oh, who's going to need Chicago law now, mate? Who's going to need legal representation?

I'll tell you what. I'm going to poke the bear. It's not actually watermelon Lucasade. It's watermelon and strawberry. I refuse to answer on the grounds I may incriminate myself. Fucking hell. Listen, mate. Don't get homophobic

now, because if you want to act in America, you're going to have to suck some dick, mate. Listen, kids. There's your space aid. There's bees as well, if you want to act in america you're gonna have to suck some dick mate so hey listen kids there's your space savers as well if you if you don't like pickled onion um right so tell me what you were in the streets a bit of a gunfight and some what a stray has caused a civilian is that what you're telling me i shot someone but they were really big they're american they were kind of fucking big. It's not my fault. They were just big. We're trying to get this fucking dismissed. I don't need that much info. Chill. Sit down.

Thank you, Lucas. Have you got any info on any big crimes? Big crimes and that? Big crimes and that? I can be like, listen, mate. He shot someone. Fair enough. Bad move mate, he shot someone fair enough. Bad move.

But he didn't mean it. And he can help you. He can help you get that big guy you've been after for months. So I'll go to not the judge. Sorry, I'll go to the state attorney. I got to say, listen, I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm not a fucking I don't know what I don't know where you're from.

And I don't know your fucking moral code. But I'm from this. I'm from the streets of Chi-Town. I'm not a rat. I'm not a rat. I'm not going to be a rat. That's all you fucking want, mate. The people you're protecting are going to let you go to prison and you're going to be getting bummed for days.

Do you want to get bummed for days or do you want to go home? No. Mate, are you? Shut the fuck up. I can tell you're acting, scene. I can tell you're acting because within that scene you said be a grass didn't you? did I just catch that right? you've literally fucking harangued

me for 50 episodes saying you'd never grass whatever's in the script oh is it is it god you're so fucking good at this I'm the Chicago lawyer from Liverpool Oh, is it? Is it? God, you're so fucking good at this. You're going to be a great actor. I'm the Chicago lawyer from Liverpool.

Chicago lark. Coming soon to Skyhawks. Fucking grass. You're a fucking rat, though, mate. Hey, and you come back, and everyone will be like, hey, Adam, your character's a fucking rat. I'll be like, sounds, yeah, but I'm not, am I? I'll get out my face or I'll fucking nut you.

Ah, Jesus. I think you've really got the temperament for Hollywood. I'm looking forward to seeing you succeed there. How much would you love to gig in Hollywood? I'd love to play. I'd love to do the Ice House or fucking... I'd just love to see you if you could do do you think you could just tune into it i think you need a few gigs to just tune

into this sort of i've done some gigs in new york what was it like reference wise did you did you find stuff dropped out or i had to change one i had to change one reference 15 minutes set one lucas aid reference i had this joke about i'm sure i've told this on the podcast before I had to change one reference in the whole 15-minute set. One LucasAid reference. I had this joke about... I'm sure I've told this on the podcast before. About giving homeless people money and saying, he doesn't want food, he wants cider. And it just got fuck all. They don't know what cider is.

Because homeless people don't drink cider. That's like a middle-class summer drink there. So I had to change it to vodka and then it worked. I was going to go out to LA this year. I had a three week window booked when I was going to do New York and LA back to back and I had some gigs lined up out there

but hopefully I can still get them when we're back from the Rona shit which is starting to fucking get to me kids. I need to go out. Yeah. You're on good form today but yeah i'm just accepting it it's just boring isn't it it's really fucking boring now oh yeah etta keeps asking to go and see people she's like can i go to nursery can i go and see my cousins

and you're like sorry mate no fuck. No. Fuck, it's tricky. I've just accepted a booking. Freddie, who the fuck is that guy, just said he spoke to you about it. I'm doing it in July. It's the only gig that's going to be in my... The drive-in cinema, they're going to do stand-up. And it's near Preston.

And it's cash. And it's just a decent fee. And I just thought, oh, fuck it. I'm going to do stand-up, and it's near Preston, and it's cash, and it's just a decent fee. And I just thought, oh, fuck it, I'm going to give it a try. Me and Tez Ilias are doing it because I didn't fancy it. And I... 200 odd cars, or they've got a license for 200 odd cars, and they're going to tune in the microphone to a frequency on people's radios, proper like a drive-in cinema,

except you're going to be a bell end in the middle doing your stand-up. And I'm going to give it a try because, frankly, by July I think the shutdown will be lifted in Maine, but I don't think work stand-up-wise will be happening. So I'm just going to give it a try. It's a bit of money, but also just for the experience, I think it's going to be a weird one.

We'll see. The fact that it was near Preston made it easier. I wondered why you didn't fancy it. Because I think it's going to be fucking shit. Okay. That's what I said to him. He offered me it, and I was like, no. And he was like, why not?

I said, because I don't think it's going to be good. And I know we've joked on this, like we'd drive anywhere to do a shit gig right now but realistically I don't want my first gig in four months to be a shit one I want my first gig back

to be a hot water to a full fucking room and killing I don't want my first gig in four months to be me performing and every time someone likes a joke, they have to fucking wipe the windows to let me know if they found it funny.

We said that on the phone. I was like, he was like, you know what, Freddie's like, just throwing out ideas. He was like, maybe we'll do something

where they flash the lights or honk the horn. I was like, no, Freddie, that's not, you're not. Rev your engine if you've been before. Rev your engine if you haven't been before!

They sound like more powerful engines, don't they? What? Who's idling? Fucking ridiculous. I tell you what, if it works, which I don't care, it's a couple of hundred quid doing a gig near my hometown. We'll see what happens. I'm fine.

And I've, you know that thing of like, I'll gig anywhere at the moment. Turns out I fucking would. But yeah, I didn't think about it being the first gig back, but it's going to be mental if at the end, to show appreciation for your set, everyone honks the horn, I think that will be full on. That will be like,

I'm the star of the most well-organized session of dogging in history. When there's just 200 cars in a field, all pointing at me, flashing the lights and honking the horn i'll be like your sex are down still got it yeah just i need my first gig back to be a very good one and i don't think that's gonna be so but i've just bought a garage door so daddy gonna pay for it with some honking of the homes i don't know if you're going to be playing to a hot water that's sold out first gig back

I think if it's legal for them to fill it then they'll absolutely fill it without question right like if they're allowed to put 200 people in there then they'll easily find 200 people who want to go to it I think they're going to be

I think they're going to be allowed to have 100 people. Maybe it's going to be even lower than that and maybe they decide not to open until they hit that 100, 110 people that they were talking about.

I think it is going to be staggered. So, 110's fine, isn't it? 110's doable, yeah. I'd do that. You'd have to be

pretty hard-lined to be like, I won't play it until it's sold out, okay? Shall we do some Would You Rathers, Adam? Oh, yes, mate! You love the Would You Rather, don't you?

I love it. Will you make an edit note, though? Because I need to go and have a wee. I've been dieting and I'm drinking too much water. Yeah, okay. He's going for a little tinkle I mean, in theory I should definitely edit this out

But there's a bit of me who wants to see How long Adam pisses for Just in the name of science I think that gig in the field Is gonna be I think it's gonna be weird But there's a part of me that thinks Ah, fuck it, give it a try

It's a free hit, innit It's a free hit If it's shit, of me that thinks, fuck it, give it a try. It's a free hit, isn't it? It's a free hit. If it's shit, you're like, oh, yeah. That was probably always going to be shit. And if it's good, it's a fucking Brucey bonus. 200 bones. Mate, I'm not getting paid for stand-up until fucking October. I will stand in a field and get flashed at for 200 nicker.

It's going to be fucking sad. How will you even hear the laughter at all? Do you think people will open their windows? Because then they'll be like, don't fucking laugh in my direction, mate. Oi, fuck's all closer. Laugh forwards. Don't laugh out your fucking window, mate. Give me the roaner. All the cars are going to be separated. And then there's going to be proper staging lights it'll rain won't it, it'll be fucking raining and then all you'll hear is and the windscreen

wiper's going you've got to cancel if it rains fuck me, how desperate do I sound I'll be alright I'll be in a field and I'll probably pay me it's fine, I've got a four wheel drive I'm going to drive off

For fuck's sake I'm back That was a quick piss How's your diet going mate? It's going dead well The past three days You look Can I just say

I should have said it before You look at me as a Charming I weighed myself Not yesterday The day before Right No it was yesterday Okay Look at me as I'm charming. I weighed myself. Not yesterday, the day before. Right. No, it was yesterday.

Okay. And I'm the heaviest I've ever been, knowingly. Oh, my God. Awful. What an awful moment that was in my life. Yeah, I'm creeping up towards that fucking, that horrific high watermark. Oh, it's's brutal isn't it

so you're just cutting out sugar cut out sugar and I've just started eating making sure I'm eating a food rather than a product oh honestly beautiful

yeah and I'm trying to give myself food poisoning as well so that I just shit loads of weight off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ring an Indian takeaway and be like, whatever you've got that's old. Like, what do you mean?

Oh, we don't keep the old food, my friend. There's no old food here. You have to have fresh things or we get shut down by the hygiene people. Okay, talking about getting shut down let's crack would you rather and i'll preface this by saying you've got to stay with her you can't fire off you're with her for life but would you rather jade was a foot and a half taller or a foot and a half smaller she's got to be one of the other and you've got to stay with her how tall is she now let me just work it out how tall

is she she's jade how tall are you five three five four. So she's 6'4". Hang on. How does it work? It's 6'9". No. 6'11"? 6'10"? Yeah. Yeah. And

3'10". 10. and three foot three foot ten ten I mean three foot ten's pretty fucking small isn't it yeah but I'm still going to go with that I'd rather be able to fucking like throw around the bedroom and that a bit than after using it as a

climbing frame you wouldn't be able to just throw around the bedroom you could throw around a fucking football pitch yeah exactly i'd rather have someone who looks like a pokemon than a giraffe hey but you've just said and i know you're on a fucking haribo free diet you've literally just said with no comedy intended i'm the heaviest i've ever been and then you're on a fucking Haribo-free diet. You've literally just said, with no comedy intended, I'm the heaviest I've ever been. And then you're like, yeah, I'll have a three-foot-ten girlfriend. See how that goes.

Where's Jade? I haven't seen Jade for fucking ages. Oh, shit, she's under me tit. Come out, Jade. There you go. There you go. She's three inches. She's still three-foot.

Yeah, I know, I know. I was exaggerating for comedy. That's like still less than four Subway sandwiches. Just. You know you're a fat lad when you go, when you see a crime happening. Like, did you see how tall the assailant was? Oh, mate, he was fucking big, lad. He was like six sandwiches, Subway.

He was about six foot long. He was quite big as well me bull mad and I would you not like a tall bird just to be like

what no I'm not I don't want to date a Premier League centre back fucking Premier League six foot ten

you don't want to you don't want to date an LA Laker it would be brutal wouldn't it every day that you went out how tall are you Fucking Premier League 6'10". You're not going to date an LA Laker. It would be brutal, wouldn't it, every date that you went out. How tall are you, 5'8"? No, sir. Are you 5'9"? No, sir.

You're not that. How tall are you? I'm 6'0". Oh, get to fuck. You've got a 6'0 head. I'm 5' And three eights Oh here we go Five nine and six foot ten

It looks like your mummy's Taking you to primary school I'll take you as far as the gates and then you can go the rest of the way Thank you Have a good day Adam Yeah no I can't be dating someone that tall. I just feel emasculated all the time. I'd rather have a little fucking tiny one running around.

You know what I mean? If I ever get pissed off with her, I can just put her on a shelf for a bit. I have said it before. I like a little bit of junk in all of the trunk, and, you know, just, yeah, people have got game, they've got game, it's not about your shape and size, you can have a preference, some attractive, sexy people are the shape they are, that's fine, but there would be something, for me, quite intriguing about just a giant woman,

something for me quite intriguing about just a giant woman to just know that i couldn't do if she was just wanted to just pin me down and i just be like i can't do anything about this do you know what i mean it's a it'd be a weird feeling i've never been with a girl that could beat me up if it not like fucking pying each other in like weapons i'm just talking wrestling i could always win i think it would be intriguing to be like, oh my god, oh my god. She's got me. Be gentle. Do you not think? No. I need to know.

I could knock her out. No, don't knock her out. Just put her to sleep in a chokehold. Hey, hey. Just get in there. Hey, it doesn't matter about the dishes. If little... Shh, shh, shh. Can't, can't. Shh, shh, shh. Hey, doesn't matter about the dishes. If you're unconscious, go to sleep.

That's it, go to sleep. Happy birthday. Yeah, no, I don't want a massive girlfriend. Sorry. You made that one easy. Okay. I was just intrigued. A tiny one. one you pick it up do whatever you want sexually that opens so many doors being able to definitely be able to pick them up what fairy doors um would you would you rather be head of a mexican drug cartel

with all the power and wealth but continuously be hunted down by an ambitious... David Jukes, who sent this in, can I just say, the wonderful amount of detail you went into. A Mexican drug cartel leader with power and wealth, but you're continuously hunted down by an ambitious, career-driven fed who may take you down at any time. Or would you rather be the ambitious career driven fed that pursues the Mexican drug cartel

but has the threat of being taken out at any time what would you rather would you rather be the I'd rather be the head of the Mexican drug cartel I fucking knew you were going to say that you look a bit Mexican as well mate Chicago law

Chicago law has Chicago law, has got, you've got very little chance. And I love, I'm a liar. Hey, shut the fuck up, don't be a nonce.

Right, but, I think, let's do the same audition now, for you to be, El Lido. Nah, crows.

Nah, crows. crows right come on do your Mexican drug lord proper not a Scouse one I want to hear you Pablo Escobar you're going to have to give me the line that I've got to say I'm an actor I'm not a writer

you're coming to you're coming to my house we trust you and you try to fuck us up the ass and now you try to fuck us up the ass and now Chomo

now you pay the ultimate price that's it that's the line that sounds good that sounds right let's see scene everyone quiet down quiet down and sit

hang on and Adam Rowe as El Lido in Nacros scene down quiet down and sit hang on and adam rowe as el lido in macros cut cut everyone cut cut i am so so sorry adam so sorry i don't know what got you there okay have you got your composure? You're coming to our house. Hang on, scene. Action. You're coming to our house.

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Why is the director... Why is the director... Why is the director... Why is the director... Why is the director... Why is the director... Why is the director... Why is the director...

Why is the director... Why is the director... Why is the director... Why is the director... Why is the director... Why is the personal preference right okay one more go

listen this feels weird to say it this feels dodgy to say it but I don't know any Mexicans and we don't border Mexico and I know you can be racist towards Mexicans but I don't think you can as a Liverpudlian I've never heard anyone go

have you heard about the fucking awful Scouse comedian who's racist against Mexicans? You're like, no one gives a shit. Oh, shit. I go a bit Mexican. I go a bit like, aye, aye, aye. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Hey, Clint, quiet on set. Action. You're going to our house. We trust you. And then you trust you.

And then you come back like this. You're coming to our house. I trust you. Are you doing Mexican Christopher Walker? Yeah. You're coming to our house. Your father. Are you doing Mexican Christopher Walken? Yeah. Ms. Martins, you're both right.

You're coming to our house. Your father. I trust you. Your father. And then you try to fuck us up the ass. And now. And now you pay the most ultimate price, motherfucker. You've always got, with Walken, you've always got to go low at one point. You're paying the ultimate price.

You pay. You die with your life right now do it mexican i i don't honestly i i'm not trying to slag you off, mate. You're coming to our house. You try. You try to do this and we trust you. It's better. And then you try to fuck us up the ass.

Yes. Now, you pay the ultimate price, my friend. I'm going to fuck your nana okay he's ad-libbed scene he's ad-lib loved it just check with everyone what's a nanar what's a lucas why does he keep asking for lucas aid oh adam adam adam i'd say this i'm not trying to poo-poo your dreams but um and i'm not saying you can't go over to America and be a brilliant, successful actor. I would say this, though.

Just as a safety net, next time you get offered a drive-through gig near Preston, I'd fucking take it, mate. Do you know what I mean? Just to be safe. Just to be safe. Do you want me to play the other role? Do you want me to be the FBI guy?

Yeah. So you see which one you think I'm most useful for? I'm just thinking... I don't know how you're topping Christopher Walken Mexican, but... Okay. We've been after this guy for four fucking years. He's not getting away again. What is it?

What was that? What did we do? We've been after this guy for four fucking years. He ain't get away again. Why is he Australian? What you should be asking is why isn't he Australian? I tell you what I do. i don't want to work with people who think inside the box i want to be with people who take the box kick it around a bit smash

it to pieces and put it back together as a sale i don't work inside the box i stand on the box in a field with a load of cars watching me so So don't talk about the fucking box. I brought the box. It's a nice box, lad. Just to be clear, I meant his vagina, and not the coffin. Oh, well, that's fine.

Just in case you were wondering in what way you should be upset. That's fine, then. God, I was about to be offended on behalf of my dead mother, well, that's fine. In what way you should be upset? That's fine, then. I was about to be offended on behalf of my dead mother, then, but luckily you clarified. That is how you repay me. You come onto a podcast that I love, and you talk about my mother's box. Box?

I can't compete with Al Pacino. She got a great ass. Oh, mate, making a note, we're having an accent off. Ladies and gents, the good people of Have A Word,

let us know what accents you want me and Adam to do. In fact, in the vein of today's episode, for Friday, let us know what we would like to do some characters. What I'd like is nationality or region where they're from and what they do

that's what we want also an adjective would really be good so let's do a random you can also throw in an actor if you want so if you want us to do Al Pacino playing a dog walker from Somerset, then put that in there.

Right. Making things way more complicated. I've chosen the adjective and I've chosen the job. I'd like you, blind, to pick out the region, accent, or nationality that I'll put in the middle Adam, go Congolese you fucking dickhead

right I'll show you what I've got horny Congolese fisherman right okay okay wait wait wait

I'm playing someone as well so I come into the scene you're the horny Congolese fisherman No, no, no, no, no Now, now, now, write down I want you to write down No, fuck You write down an adjective

And a job And I'll choose the nationality Okay Fucking Congolese, you rat That's entrapment Wish I was doing a drive-thru gig right now Pull your handbrakes up If you've seen live comedy in a field before

What have you got? Go on up if you've seen live comedy in a field before. What have you got? Go on. Can I pick the nation now? Brilliant. Okie doke. Let me just think. Chinese.

So I've got angry Chinese car park attendants. Right, can we do them individually? Because these two cunts can't have a conversation. There is no scene. No, it's only fun if they meet. Oh, yeah, it'd be boring on its own, wouldn't it? A horny Congolese fisherman. Where's the comedy there?

I mean, I don't think you could do the character of a horny Congolese fisherman. Where's the comedy there? I mean, I don't think you could do the character of a horny Congolese fisherman. It's not fun. An angry Chinese car park attendant. Where would the comedy come from? Unless they talk to each other. Listen, so, the angry, the horny Congolese

fisherman is having a fish and he's left his car parked with a ticket in the fishing car park. Okay. Let me do my voice. I'm here. Yo, yo, Mr. Man with the fishing rod. Let me ask you

a question. Why are you shouting at me? You do not have the right... Yo, I've left your car. There's no ticket on it. I do not need a ticket. My father and my father's father have fished off this car park,

off the coast of this car park. Also, I am just remembering that the Congo is landlocked, so I don't know what the fuck I'd be doing as a Congolese fisherman. This Congolese fisherman needs to fucking concentrate. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me.

Why are you fucking the fish? Why are you fucking it? Are you honey or something? I would never fuck the fish. If you give a man a fish, he can feed his family for two days. If you fuck a fish, nobody can eat it.

I think you read the wrong part of the Bible. I tell you what though. I don't know where I'm meant to be from. I tell you what though. Yeah, I like it when you're angry. You're very, you're very attractive in your NCP

uniform right I want some suggestions for Friday we're going to have an accent off they don't need to meet as I think we've just worked out individually

it's fine we'll do a little we'll do a little like FA cup draw and we'll we'll make them have conversations you can't do horny Congolese or fisherman we've had it horny Congolese fisherman may it never We'll do a little FA Cup draw and we'll make them have conversations. You can't do horny Congolese or fisherman.

We've added horny Congolese fisherman. May it never... When is that? Again, I think that might be another world first. Who's ever been like, you know what I'm going to write down on a piece of paper? Horny Congolese fisherman. Because there's no fisherman from the Congo. What do you mean there's no fisherman?

Right. Just because it's landlocked doesn't mean there isn't a leak. Oh, of course. I meant like, you know, yeah, you were right, by the way. I've just seen your WhatsApp about that cunt that fucking set me up for that corporate, Adam. Really? Yeah, you banged on. He was an absolute bellin'. I hadn't realised you'd messaged me going,

who's that, mate? Was it this gun? I'm like, fucking yes, it was. I'd fucking love to horny Congolese fisherman him. That doesn't make sense. Let me just look. The Congo. Let me have a look at the Congo on a map. Right in the middle of Africa. I'll tell you what.

Way down deep in the middle of the Congo. Oh, yeah. I meant fishermen as in off the coast, you know, feeding the... But of course... Oh, but Adam, of course, there's the... There's big lakes. There's the Lakmai and Dombe. So they could be fishing in there.

Of course, yeah, they could be. Yeah. I just... Yeah, good thinking. Okay. Well, that ended less funny um than it was in the middle okay do you love podcasts have you always wanted to do your own but you don't know how well here at lightwork studios if you've got an idea for a podcast then we want to record it and record it well whether you're doing your first podcast or you've been doing it for years we think all podcasts should look and sound as good as

possible and with prices starting from 30 pounds an hour we are by far the best priced professional podcast studio in london we've got three hd cameras six top of the range mics and a sound technician on hand to make sure that all you have to focus on is talking we can have the recording edited and sent to you the very same day find us at lightweightpodcast.com so we can help record your next podcast send in your questions and suggestions to have a word pod at gmail.com let's crack on with this nonsense oh oh shit it's time to have a

word with adam and dan tell us all the problems you have with your friends this was gonna be the whole podcast now it's just the final 10% yes ma'am Now it's just the final 10% Yes, mate You alright?

I just wanted to stay silent To see at what point you'd start talking And then I laughed before that happened It's been a silly one today, hasn't it, Adam? It's been a silly one Yeah, that't it, Adam? It's been a silly one. And as always, Monday's Patreon producer list episode. So stick around after the song

to listen to our list of people who sign up for 10 pounds on Patreon. We are blown away. The Patreon is ticking up rather nicely. People seem to be joining because they know they get that extra episode every Wednesday. Obviously, this has gone out on Monday.

If you do want Wednesday's episodes, just sign up before Wednesday. And that's as simple as that. Yeah. And then you'll get also the previous Wednesday's Patreon episode. You will. Patreon.com slash Have A Word Pod.

And I actually think last week's Patreon episode, which was our first Patreon episode, might be the best episode we've ever done. Maybe. You go and listen and check it out. We had a lot of good feedback from it. Anyway. It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan.

You're flagging, mate. You need sugar. I can feel it in you. I do need sugar. The angry Chinaman was your peak emotionally and physically. Right. Let's try and fix. We've already done a fuck ton of podcasts.

Let's try and genuinely fix someone's life here. I'll take this dead seriously. I promise. I'm in a very serious mood now. Okay. Morning, Adam and Dan. Love the pod, especially Wednesday's episode. This week, Adam was on fire.

Oh, Jesus. Thank you. Can you help solve an eight-year-old mystery? I used to live in a flat in town, by which I assume he means Liverpool, and my amazing girlfriend at the time, now wife, would put up with me bringing a few mates back after a night out. One particular night got a bit messy and two mates stayed over. The next morning, my missus woke me up and demanded I come into the kitchen

where she had found a massive human shit in our kitchen bin. What? So, just repeat that. I want to say I drifted a little bit. bin. What? So, just repeat that. I want to say I drifted a little bit and then you, I can't believe I drifted. I'm so sorry. So, he brought two of his mates

back after a night out to carry on drinking or doing whatever in the kitchen. And the next morning, his missus woke him up and she wanted an explanation because she'd found a massive human shit in the kitchen and the next morning his missus woke him up and she wanted an explanation because she had found a massive human shit in the kitchen bin so this day both of my mates deny it was them and i'm 99 certain it wasn't me i love how we can't commit to that. One mate who it's spelled M-A-L A-C-H-Y. So I'm going to say

Malachi. One mate, Malachi was known to need an urgent shit whenever he'd been doing cocaine. The other mate, Sam, had never been to the flat before and the only other evidence I have is that my wife recalls someone opening our bedroom

door in the middle of the night and then quickly closing it, presumably looking for the toilet. One of these two dirty bastards shat in my bin and I'm hoping a shout out on the podcast and me forcing them to listen to it will finally make one of them come clean no pun intended.

Something they clearly didn't manage to do on the night as although we found the shit in the bin, we didn't manage to do on the night, as although we found the shit in the bin, we didn't find any toilet roll. Malachi left pretty early the morning after because I confronted them both, but Sam stayed around for a while, perhaps to try and appear innocent. We've all moved away from Liverpool now,

so we have lost touch, and it was probably two years since we were all together, and even then, neither of them would admit to it. I don't know if they listen to the pod, but I'll certainly be making them have a listen if I can finally get some help getting to the bottom of this. For what it's worth, I always thought it was Sam, due to him

not being in the flat before, and the fact he hung around the next day longer than someone normally would. He was also a bit cooler than us, and had more of a reputation to uphold. Whereas Malachi, being a dirty cunt from County Tyrone in Northern Ireland, likely... Malachi.

Fucking Malachi. Malachi. It will be, won't it, if he's from County Tyrone. Fucking Malachi. Is it? County Tyrone. I don't know. Well, he reckons Malachi doesn't give a shit about wordy shit, or who knows it. Oh, mate.

She has lent from John a word as original. P.S. There is another option that you could opt for, which is that the wife shat in our own bin so that I'd stop bringing mates back, sniffing Lemo, and playing Oasis songs like twat at 4am when she was in bed. If it was her all this time, then she's a scary genius.

Over to you, Dan. Right, well, first of all, this needs saying. Disgusting! And just again. Disgusting! Because it's never been more apt. Can we just before... Well, it was fucking one, yes!

It was fucking one, yes! Before we get going, John, that bit of conspiracy theory you threw out at the end, you can literally draw a line through that. Your wife didn't shit in her own bin

just to stop you bringing your mates around. I get it. You'd be like, women are clever. Yeah, but women aren't clever shitting a bin like clever. That's not necessarily clever.

That's mental. Can I say right now that if I had to hazard a guess, I would say that that's actually what happened. Where is it? No. No, you wouldn't. No, you wouldn't.

No, you wouldn't. No, 100% would. You think the wife who wasn't drinking... I would not put a patchy to shit in our bin to stop me bringing mates round. Like, late and waking her up. I reckon women are totally capable of that. I think you're being naive because you've got a good wife.

Right. I'm going to... The good life. Oh, sorry, the good wife. I'm going to, the good life, oh, sorry, the good wife. I'm going to work backwards through the theories, right? Okay. One, the wife. Adam likes that idea.

I do not. I just, I cannot see a girlfriend going, you know what, I'm fucking sick of these dickheads. They keep coming around, fucking pissing me off. How am I going to get rid of them? I'm going to do something that one of them could do that is frankly, and then I'm going to pretend it was one of them. I know they could shit in the bin. No one would plan to be like, where could they shit? They do it. You do on the kitchen floor. You'd poo on the toilet, not in it. Who would be like, I'm going to shit in the bin. That's what these morons would do.

I personally, I need to draw a line through the wife. Then, go on. But doesn't that make it perfect? The fact that all these years later, you immediately dismiss her from suspect-tion. Suspect, suspect. Right. Being a suspect.

That's like... She's being a suspect that's like she's not a suspect in your mind because she nailed it so perfectly maybe she would have thought I'll shit on the toilet seat

but then all these years later on this podcast you'd have been like that could easily be in here that but she didn't she's one step ahead of everyone

right and she always has been the dirty fucker right so that's like being woken first thing in the

morning saturday morning trying to have a lie in, and your missus is next to you, and you feel a really strong punch in the fucking eye, and you go, oh, oh, fucking hell, what did you punch me for? And Jade goes, it's aliens. It was aliens.

Aliens came down and smacked you in the face. Aliens punched you. What the fuck are you talking about? And then you go, oh, well is it fuck aliens it's you but hang on it's so obvious that it's you if you punch me that'd be too obvious do you know what i mean like some things are obvious because they fucking happen is it because it's possible that she's shitting the bed it's not possible that aliens came down right listen let me just work through that was the worst analogy i've ever come up with

but i knew what i meant shut up you fucking rat just because you work for chicago la right sam sam who fucked who didn't fuck off who stuck around you again you're second guessing yourself too much john you're like no like, no, well, she definitely, no one would think she shot in the bin, so she could have. Sam stuck around. So that's, if you were guilty, but you were clever, and you were, like, playing the long game,

you'd stick around to make someone think that you didn't fuck off because you were guilty? No, mate. That leaves us with Malachi. Malachi. Malachi. I don't know how to say this cunt's name but he he's got a history of doing cocaine plops which mate i have been there i have been at some cool fucking after parties had my first line of 3 30 a.m beak with some fucking attractive looking girls knocking about and then realized there's baby laxatives in there

and I need an almighty dump. When you've been boozing, it's late on and then it's one of those flats, you know, and the flats haven't got a window to the bathroom and you go in there and you're like, oh, it's one of those permanently warm flat bathrooms and you do a fucking horrible dump. I think Malachi's had a little bit of the cocaine squirts.

The chingles. Well, Malachi had been to the house before, so he would know where the bathroom is. Why would he shit in the bin? They've been drinking. They've been drinking and doing fucking beak. And you're like, well, if you knew where the toilet was,

I don't see how he could have pooed on the floor and then picked it up and put it in the bin like does that get that gets Malachi off the hook doesn't he he's a fucking cocaine fiend

that has a history of pooing his pants on cocaine and in the morning he fucked off and his only defence is he knows where the toilet is so how can it be him

there's also no toilet roll found so you're telling me he picked it up with his bare hands? What if he... Whoever did this, purposefully shot in the bin. He maybe just... I'm telling you right now, I'm never coming to a

house party in yours, because with my medical history, if someone shits in your bin based on this, you're gonna blame me. Mate, I know what you mean. Don't play the victim, you're going to blame me. Mate, I know what you mean. Don't play the victim, you big fan-jeeter. You'll get your sugar. Have a

Haribo. I think you just need a little tub of, like, fucking jelly beans at the side. I was passing on yours, knowing that if someone shits in your bin, I'm going to be suspect number one. Yeah, but you know what? If you do, if that happens, you'll be like, it's fucking Laura. Look at her, all angry,

pretending to be fucking angry. Like, you know, it's someone, isn't it? And you've got IBS. Malachi. Malachi. What does that mean? Malarkey. Maliki.

I hope he's not Asian. Everything that we've looked at so far points to the wife. She's got the perfect crime here. She shits in the bin. She knows one she's got the perfect crime here she's shitting the bin she knows one of his mates got a long history of shitting and stuff how have you she knows what she's doing and she's in your head she's not in mine because i control the fucking game but she's got in your head mate because you're like oh women don't shit in bins women

shit in whatever they fucking like if it means getting their own way i don't know how with so many people i mean i don't even know how john's he was 99 sure that one percent could equal a shit in the bin i don't know how you have managed to get so many other words like no no no it's none of these lads they seem good they seem all right it's that fucking wife it's a woman there's women listening to this going adam it fucking wasn't her we need some follow-up what a coincidence we need some follow-up we need some follow-up john if you're hearing this we need we need i need i need a character reference i need i need your missus i need your missus to email in i want some closure on this because I think Adam has gone all fucking 9-11 bin shit on you. I don't think Jade would.

His wife did it. I'm telling you right now. Jade, I'm telling you right now. Jade would not shit in a bin. You do not know her well enough, my friend. Is she napping? No, she's awake. But she's woke up

with a stiff neck so she looks like a fucking robot. Yeah, because she's had to bend around the fucking bin to do her crap. Sorry. Right.

I'm just telling you right now, everyone listening, Adam has had enough of me. He's having a sugar low. We've done loads of... I want to get to the bottom of this. I don't care if it takes six fucking weeks, mate.

John, email back in. I need a character reference. I need to know the sneakiest thing you've ever caught your wife doing. What has your wife done that makes it possible, in your opinion? Oh, Adam, I love how your brain works. This is going to serve you so well in Chicago law.

You just see it you see it exactly Malachi I put a tenner on it and he owed me 15 am I right in assuming John that Malachi knew where the toilet was and that there was nothing on the floor to suggest the shit

had been done on the floor and then moved to the bin am I right in assuming that the shit was put directly into the bin from the bum hole? Straight, a clean break. The poo shoot. That's what I'm assuming based on the information given no toilet roll found what was,

what was used to move it. Yeah. I think John's not out of the fucking firing range on this one. I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. He knew where the bin was. Wow, that was fascinating. Not, again, we've not got to the bottom of it, but I think, you know.

Telling you right now, though. Go on. If this was an episode of Chicago Law, and it's like season two, and I now work for the prosecution. Yeah. Then my suspect number one right in the middle

of me fucking um cork board yeah is the wife cork board is the one with all the fucking strings coming off

to all their connected people Malachi Malachi Malachi that dirty fucker well we've laughed and we've cried Malarkey, Malarkey, Malakai. That dirty fucker. Well, we've laughed and we've cried.

We've played Congolese fishermen. And all good things must come to an end. And this definitely must. I hope he gets back in touch with us before Wednesday or Friday so that we can move to the next episode of Chicago Lar. Chicago Lar. I can't believe we ended up with a mystery

at the end of the Chicago Lar episode. Honduri. Misadventure. That's what your ma's nickname is for me, lad. Honduri. Honduri. Got a song for me, lad. Home Judy. Home Judy. Got a song for you, if you want one. If you want one, give you the fucking song, won't I?

The song is called Regina George, who people will know is a character from the hit teen movie Mean Girls. The artist is called Kate Nichol. Kate is a singer-songwriter from Kirrimur in Scotland. She turned 17 a few weeks ago, but had released her first entirely self-written EP at the end of February. She says, although I know that they could possibly be improved on,

the tracks on the EP, I am proud of my work as recording this EP was my first experience in the studio. And I also know that I have many years ahead of me and I'm yet to learn new things in music and find my sound. Playing, singing and songwriting are my favourite things to do and I would love to be able to make a living

out of it one day. I would really appreciate so much if anyone was willing to check out these songs and give me some feedback. This is the song Regina George. Stick around for after the song and you'll hear our list of Patreon producers who pay us £10 a month and get some exclusive bonus content

in return as well as some merch discounts and shit. See you soon, guys. See you later. I want you to hear me out I wanna scream and shout About all the things you've said and done to put me down I'm gonna sing my heart out And do things my way I'm not gonna be defined by the cruel words

That once escaped your mouth Only gonna take The things I deserve I'm not gonna turn a blind eye to Important lessons that I've learned I wanna be controlled I can do this on my own Don't let your judgments or love And it's you that it's all

Because you're gonna end up alone No, I don't need your drama I don't need your lies I'm so tired of the backstabbing all of the time It's the end of the day, this is real life You can't be Regina George Next best friend will survive No, I will not cry

Over your cruel intentions Cause someday someone's gonna come along And give you what you've been deserving Gonna build a branch Out of the bricks you threw me And I'm gonna build it tall And make it high so You're too small to reach

I'm not going to accept The things that I don't deserve I'm not gonna turn a blind I don't want to think sure Say to put my name in the dirt Don't need your excuses Because I don't wanna fix this It is you that it's up and straight But it's not running

You're gonna end up alone No, I don't need your drama I don't need your drama, I don't need your lies I'm so tired of the backstabbing all of the time At the end of the day, this is real life You can't be Regina George and expect to survive Cause I'd rather be a freak than be part of your clique Tired of knives in my back, making me feel weak So now I'm moving on, walking away from all that

God bless, there's all wounds, healing like battle scars I'm gonna build my big bridge over your body And I hope to God someday you begin to feel sorry But everything you did to make me feel unworthy Cause your friends will leave you and you'll be so lonely No, I don't need your drama, I don't need your lies I'm so tired of the backstabbing all of the time At the end of the day, I can't say I didn't try

You can be Regina George and expect to survive No, I don't need your drama, I don't need your lies I'm so tired of the backstabbing all of the time It's the end of the day, this is real life You can't be Regina George and expect to survive Oh yeah Oh Oh yeah Oh Can't be Regina George

And expect to survive Right, here's the list of £10 patrons. Thanks very much, guys. If you are a £10 patron, you become a producer of Have A Word. And here's everyone that's pledged £10 patrons. Thanks very much, guys. If you are a £10 patron, you become a producer of Have A Word, and here's everyone that's pledged £10. If you want to do it, as we've said several times,

patreon.com haveawordpod. They are Aaron Ledbetter, Adam, AJ Gregson, Alex Jones, Alexis Bly, Ali Richardson, Amy, Andrew Boyle, Andy, Andy Mannix, Anthony Duran, Anthony Jollies, Anthony Wilkinson, Barney Wood, Barry Parsons, Great name. Colette Hind, Curtis Charlton Dan Lindsay, Daniel Newman Daniel Pugh, Danny Gilligan, Dave Checkley David Everson

Dean Cochran Donna McCauley, Ella Knight Emma Donnelly, Emma Green, Fiona Frank Hughes, Frog and Bucket George, Gerard Keane Graham Cashel, Graham Owens Ian Pringle, Ian Chadwick Jack Robert, Jack Russ

James Fuchs. Why has that made me laugh? James Hall, Jamie Moores, Janet Roskell, Jason Hopkins, Jason Reynolds, I'm going to get the giggles, Jay Kyle, Jen Wilson, Jennifer Ridding. That's the worst time to get the giggles. Why am I getting it on Jennifer Ridding as well Jess Yeo or Jill Bushell

John Parr John Barrowcliffe, how does he fucking do this every Monday John Ryan Johnny Armstrong, Johnny Edwards Jonathan Bagley, Joseph Moore Josh, Josh Holtflusk what a fucking name Julie Smith, Kate Bidwell

Kate Hamilton, Kathleen Simon, Catherine Wells, Keira Tan, Kenny Gad, Khadija Mir, Kiefer Gallagher, Kieran Woodall, Kieran Gibson, Kirstie Leonard, Lee, Lee Aitchison, Lee Grant, Liam, Louise Grimes, Mark Cowan, Mark Hammond, Mark Hammond? I'm sober. I'm not Hammond and he isn't either, he's Mark Hammond. Mark Hammond? I'm sober. I'm not Hammond and he isn't either. He's Mark Hammond. Mark Hollenbeck, Mark Pugh, Martin, Matt Bibby, Matt Delmaine, Matt Flannery, Matthew Rees, my boy, Max Prenti, Maxine Eyre, Megan, Michael Woods,

Mike Kivy, Mike Quirk, mike sullivan mutley nathan sharrocks nick stannard owen badman fam he's a bad mom paul mcdonald pete graves peter vincent up in stockton rachel heron rachel whiteley rebecca thomas richard palmer rob barker rob bell rob knolls rob rudge Stockton, Rachel Heron, Rachel Whiteley, Rebecca Thomas, Richard Palmer, Rob Barker, Rob Bell, Rob Knowles, Rob Rudge, Rob Upton, Robin Kerr, only fucking Russell Waring, Ryan Farrow, fucking love Ryan Farrow, what, Sam Crow, what, Sam McGuire, the journalist, Sam Schnuck, sorry, Sam, Sam Schnuck, Sammy Taylor, who's not Geordie. Saz Green, who fucking is. Scott Brickcliffe. Simon Martin.

Steve Woolley. Go mental. Steph Keeling. Stephen Bullock. Sorry, Stephen Bullock. It's been a long episode. Stephen Byrne. Stephen Theobald.

He's from the 18th century. Steve Boris. Steve Green. Stephen Stephen D Malone Stephen Thompson Terry Burke Texas Jilly Bees Shout out to my Houston bait Thomas Sivita

Tom Chadwick Tom Harris Tom Isaris Tom Rowe Tom Simpson Tom Twisleton Tony P and Wes Coakley. They are our £10 patrons.

God bless them, one and all. I don't usually do this list, and it's not as easy as Adam. He doesn't make it sound easy, does he? Oh, fuck, I'm doing a podcast on my own again during him having a wee, chat some shit, when he's already own again. During him having a wee. Chat some shit. When he's already fucked off.

I'll do the list. It's been an absolute pleasure, ladies and gents. Patreons. Patreons. See you Wednesday. Every other motherfucker. I'll see you Friday. Alright lads.

Bye bye.