Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #58 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 22, 2020

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You deserve it. Lock down shit. Sort yourself out. Go on. Now, I'm getting the word, NAUCH. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch!

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They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Don't be a Tory. Down your turbo shandy and tell a friend. This is Have a Word. Good morning, good morning. What's happening? How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like mine without seasoning because it actually encourages

keeping weight on if you put salt on stuff. Really, does it? Okay. I just had Charlie... Go on. People who are fat hold a lot of water and your salt intake increases water retention. So...

So no cheers for you. No man salt. No, honestly, I've cut down on sugar and salt and jizz I'm just willing to do it you know it reminds me of Charlie Baker's line I love singing comedians are not well

loved in comedy but a few of them can pull it off and charlie baker is definitely one of those comedians isn't he and he's like how do you like your eggs in the morning i like man with a piss it's just it's one of them it's one of them that you you'll see him and then for about three weeks afterwards I'll be like... in my head. I love working with Charlie. He compares the Comedy Store in London a lot

and I've done a few weekends down there with Charlie and he's just... That's special that I'm putting out from the Comedy Store in London. He was the compare that weekend. He's in bits of the backstage stuff. He's a fucking good comic and an even better man yeah he's a he's not one of the very best comedians pure comedians in the

country he is one of the few incredible best entertainers on the circuit like who hasn't got an instrument he is entertaining magnetic he's got some very funny bits literally all comics have got funny bits but he's someone else to watch and he you're like fucking hell this is a lot he's got a voice he really acts his stuff out and he looks cool as fuck but he makes himself look daft with all his little characterizations i like that i know there's a lot i look like there's a lot of comics who play high status but i don't i like a little bit of daft and whatnot he's very good man charlie baker god we're giving some love out to comedians aren't we we were talking about sean mclaughlin on the patreon episode on wednesday thanks for all the very kind feedback that everyone's given us on

that on uh it's really weird because you post it on patreon and then loads of people are like that everyone's given us on that. It's really weird because you post it on Patreon and then loads of people are like, this is what I think of it. It's really weird. Even though there's like, we're closing in on 500 members on Patreon now, even though there's 500 people there,

you sort of think something that goes on Patreon, like no one's going to see it. There's a subconscious thing like, oh, that's behind a paywall not many well 500 people are listening to this fucking thing it's yeah and we get quite a lot of feedback the patreon episodes have gone down a treat with our avid listenership and it seems like it was a good move to start giving them a little bonus yeah someone yeah i uh i need to set up um start doing this i went to do it after Wednesday's episode

but we talked for those who aren't Patreons it's Sean McLaughlin got a lot of love from both of us and now we've done Charlie Baker

I will start finding some links to these guys doing stand up and I'll start whacking them up because I think people have asked

a few times things we've mentioned for us to just sort of help them find it and it's more important for comics because and i know you are getting the benefit of this because you've got mates and a lot of comics that have helped not just this podcast but also with your special coming out but there has been

a real sort of wave of positivity about comics sharing other people's content and being just, you know, with all the Rona stuff, if everyone's stuck at sticking stuff on, on, on the internet, it is great when comics just look after each other and,

and sort of share people's shit. Absolutely. Absolutely. Um, how special looking kid, how's the special looking good man it's now being

uploaded to the subtitler because basically there was a guy who I hired to do a job for me a while back

and I owed him a job because like I took it away from him I was like I don't really need you to do

that anymore and he was like oh mate but I could really do with the money at the minute things are shit I'm a freelancer because I took it away from him. I was like, I don't really need you to do that anymore. And he was like, oh, mate, but I could really do with the money at the minute. Things are shit. I'm a freelancer. I can't really be losing work that I thought I was having. I was like, okay, do you ever subtitle stuff?

And he was like, yeah, absolutely. I was like, well, how about you subtitle my whole special for me? And I'll give you the fee you were going to get for the other job, which is slightly more work than the subtitling would have been anyway. And it means I don't have to do it. And subtitling, I don't want to get too boring with this, but it's so inane and brain-numbing. Listening to yourself and typing the words

and then typing the next bit and trying to time it. Especially when it's your least favourite thing, isn't it? The subtitles don't reveal punchlines before you say them. It's a fucking bawly and I fucking hate it. So the fact someone else is doing that for me and we've sort of got an agreement that he's not pissed off and whatever, that's it. Do you know what I've noticed?

I can tell when people have used like an app that has freelancers on it and they have basically got their subtitling done in India or the Philippines. I can tell. We do very good work. We do a 200 word for $1 and very cheap and very close turnaround. You're like, yeah, but you're making me sound like English is my second language and I can do that on my own because I'm a high functioning moron

YouTube when you upload a video to YouTube you have to upload it without subtitles on the stream they have to be an optional extra that people can choose to put on and they have an auto subtitle feature on YouTube and I have never auto subtitle featured on YouTube and

I have never subtitled any of my videos manually that are on YouTube so if you go to youtube.com slash Adam Rowe comedy while you're there why don't you subscribe and ring the bell so you see my special when it comes out but watch one of my old clips and put the subtitles on and you would think that YouTube is convinced that

there's a Uzbeki Stani doing stand up in fucking Wigan. It's fucking insane how bad YouTube is at recognizing a Scouse accent. Very luckily, you can go into it and edit it yourself, which I'm getting someone with the same guy to do. But yeah, I'm really excited, man. We're going to put a trailer up, I think, on Monday.

That's going to be the backstage footage. I think that's going to be the first teaser that goes out. And then maybe Wednesday next week or Thursday, I'm going to put a stand-up clip from the special up. And then Saturday, the special will go out with probably another teaser clip of the stand-up. So next week, there'll be a trailer and then two stand-up. So next week there'll be a trailer and then two stand-up clips to plug it.

I've got fucking about 300 podcast guest appearances on other podcasts. I can tell you're grinding at the moment because you and me are talking as little as we've ever talked since we've started this podcast. And in my head I'm like, well, I've got stuff I can get on with, but usually it's either me going,

Adam, could you do this? And I was thinking thinking about that and then you'll come back and go yeah good idea lad let's do that and also we need to do that and that and that at the moment it's like we've had sex and you're trying to jib me off i really i'm like i don't think i don't want to pod fuck me anymore i just don't think i don't like if i if if this was a relationship i'd be like saying to my pod friends like i think it's i think you don't think he's into it anymore like and i know really it's just because you've been sorting the special and doing all these extra podcast appearances to try and promote it but in my head i'm like do you think everything's all right with adam it's all right i know it's especially but it's the likes me now it's alright I know it's pissy but it still likes me now

it's pathetic the thing is at the minute it's like this is a new relationship and my special's a divorce I'm going through and it's like look I love ya and things are going really well with us but I need to sort this bitch out before I can fucking do anything else in two and a half weeks

she'll be on the podcast like it is good to be here piss like fuck it we've had a plumber come out I mentioned this on the Patreon episode to any non-patrons just to give you a little 10 second backstory

a while back I mentioned on an episode that my kitchen ceiling was leaking and it's now worse. It's got very, very bad. The other day it literally was like it was raining in the kitchen in three different spots as well. And we had the plumber come out. And you know one of those fucking days, this is what yesterday was,

you know one of those days where you just know from the second you wake up, and I wasn't in a bad mood. I was actually in quite a jolly one. But you just know things are just not going to line up perfectly. And so was this yesterday? Was this yesterday? Yeah. Yeah.

So at the minute I've told you we're, we're swapping our rooms around. We're sorting our whole house out. And Jade asked me, could she redecorate the rooms? And I was like, absolutely. I thought,

you know what? If it's going to keep you happy and that means I can leave the toilet seat up without getting a 20 minute lecture on why the fucking toilet seat needs to go down then absolutely you can have whatever you want you can decorate the bedroom any colour you like oh you want that bedside table get that

bedside table I don't give a flying fuck you have whatever you want and yesterday she was like I want to go to the big B&M the big B&M not The big B&M. Not the little one. Not the medium one. I need to go to the big B&M. And I was like, okay, but the plumber's coming out today.

How big is it? Hang on. Before we get the plumber. How big? I mean, how big's the big B&M? What are we talking here? It's like a B&Q. What?

Fucking hell. We've got one in Chester that is the biggest one I've seen. I wonder if it's bigger than that. Danny Mac told me that it was actually like a Tesco,

like a mahoosive Tesco and they jibbed it off. It's got an escalator going up to a mezzanine in the B&M. That is the biggest giveaway that B&M did not pay for the

fitting of that shop. Because B&M, never in the history of B&M where they sell everything fucking dirt cheap. The staff are like, hello. The Kellogg's cornflakes are from Poland. You won't understand the writing on the ingredients. But there's an escalator. You're like, that's not for original B&M escalator, is it?

B&M are the fucking, the absolute, like, steps. Like, if they can get up there, they can buy shit from there. But we're not fucking helping them. Right, that's so big, B&M. That weirdly gets me excited. Right, but the plumber's coming today. So I text the landlord and was like, when's the plumber coming? And he went, they'll be coming after they finished work.

Like, it's a friend of mine, essentially, so they're going to do their day of plumbing and then they'll come and see you. So I went, okay, just tell them to give us

half an hour notice. And he went, all right, sound. So the B&M is about a 25-minute drive from where we live, the big one, because there's a lot of roadworks.

Normally it would be about 10, 15 minutes, but it's fucking bawly because there was a big flood in Old Swan in Liverpool a few weeks ago like the water mains burst and literally as we pulled up outside the B&M and I

turned the key, my phone rang and I just burst out laughing and Jay was like, are you laughing? I was like, this is going to be the fucking plumber isn't it? So it was the plumber. I then drove. I said to Jade, right, you just go and queue up, get in a B&M.

I'll come and meet you in a bit. I'll go and let the plumber in, whatever. Or I'll come and pick you up. Just don't go to the till till I get back. So I drove all the way back to ours, got to ours. The plumber's like, hiya mate, you alright? You going to let us in? And I was like, yeah, I will do in a sec. I'd left the house key

in Jade's bag oh god so you know when you're just like you're in new company so the plumber's there and I wanted to scream and swear I just wanted to shout the word

cunt as loud as I possibly could but I was like no you need to be professional and the plumber recognised me as well she was like aren't you that comedian guy so I was like

I can't be angry, I've got to You can't be a little psycho in front of the I'm a fox, I'm a fox just not good so then I was like I'm pretty sure my dad's got a spare key so I tried to ring him he didn't fucking answer so I went round the corner

and then he tried to get me into a conversation he did have a key but he told me it didn't work so I brought it round, it did work. I let the plumber in. And the plumber comes up, and she's doing the plumber thing of, oh, well, and she's like, oh, this is a fucking big job, this mate, because it's not the grouting that's the problem.

There's clearly a pipe problem. That's why it's leaking in several places. So I'm going to have to get on. This is a really big prop. And you know when, like, you get, like, someone in to do work in your house, like a plumber or a joiner or someone, and because it's a big job, they seem pissed off. And it's like,

surely this is good news for you? Why are you fucking whinging at me? Oh, it's a fucking big job, this. You're going to have to go, well, shouldn't you be smiling right now? Because you're going to get paid more for this than you would have. It's not tightening a fucking tap, is it?

Because I could do that. I mean, that is the limit of my manliness, by the way. And I know she's a female plumber, but that's about as handy as I get. That tap needs just tightening. Beyond that, I'm fucked. Our bath is tiled in, so all those tiles have got to come off.

It's not just like a board or anything. It's a fucking nightmare of a job, so she's coming back next week. So me and Jade can't get a shower or a bath until next week. So I was like, well, maybe we could go to my dad's and Jade was like, well, wait until you get your coronavirus antibody test back,

which I've now got back. So again, we said on the Patreon episode that I'd paid 100 quid to get an antibody test. I got the result back about an hour before we're recording this podcast. It's fucking negative. So I've got no antibodies. I'm not immune to it, and I can't go to my dad's in case I've got

corona now, and I fucking kill the 40-year-old man who drinks too much and has had a heart attack. I can't go and get washed in his. She doesn't I can't go and get washed in his, she doesn't want us to go and get washed in her mom and dad's. And on top of all of this yesterday, I thought I was going to have one of those rare fucking moments where I get, and I told you so at the minute,

Jade's three door Ford Fiesta is filled with seven bin bags full of clothes that she's refusing to throw away because she wants her sister to look through them first to see if there's anything she wants before we then take them to the tip and get rid of all the clothes because we're clearing the house why can't you drop them off why can't you drop them off well we will drop them off but their mom lives a 40 minute driveway so we haven't had time to do that so they're in the fucking car yesterday when we're driving to the b&m i was like well why don't we just take all the clothes out we'll put them back in a bit? We're getting a lot of stuff here for the house. We need to make room in the car.

She's like, no, it'll be fine. And I was like, it won't be fine. I know what you're like. We filled two cunting trolleys of stuff. We bought this chair. We bought, like, bedside tables. We bought carpets, rugs, everything. We come out. I was like, Jade, you're going to have to just throw all these

clothes in the bin over there because otherwise we're not going to get two fucking trolleys worth of stuff into the come out, I was like, Jade, you're going to have to just throw all these clothes in the bin over there, because otherwise we're not going to get two fucking trolleys worth of stuff into the fucking car. She was like, no, just let me try and sort it, I swear to God it'll be fine. I was like, will you stop being stubborn and take the fucking clothes out the car? Because otherwise you're going to get half the stuff in, realise you're fucked up, have to take

all the stuff out, then take the clothes out and bin them, and then put all the clothes in. And you know what? It all, then take the clothes out and bin them and then put all the clothes in and you know what? It all fucking fit with the clothes still in it and I didn't even get you I told you so moment. She got to do it to me even though I was 99% sure I was

in the fucking right. I was still in the fucking wrong. It was a cunt of a day. A bastard cunt of a day and after all of that, I'm not even immune to this fucking virus. Woo! I've got a new chair, though, and it doesn't squeak. Right, good.

Positives. Plus, you bought all that shit from B&M. Literally fucking rugs, lights, bedside table, all that shit. It's 28 quid. Nice. That's the B&M. That's the plus with B&M, isn't it? You can't really spend much more than 40 quid.

Well. How much was it? Was&M, isn't it? You can't really spend much more than 40 quid. Well. How much was it? Was it silly? Oh, it was annoying. I'd want a member of staff if I spent more than 100 quid in B&M. I'd be like, Carol, you live with us now. You're coming with me. New little bed for the dog.

A drill. Two bedside tables. This chair. A couple of rugs, lampshades, decorative stuff like a little giraffe that's gone on a shelf, a few shelves in the bedroom, TV bracket. Oh, this is more than 200 quid, isn't it? Oh, mate, yes.

Jesus Christ. Did they, like, bring the manager out to speak to you? The till's doing something. We've never seen this. I'm going to have to you the till's doing something we've never seen this i'm gonna have to get the uh i'm gonna have to get the manager mr thompson i've never seen this many numbers on the screen before that's all right love it's all right julie that's a that's a big shop that amazing but you feel all right mate what can ask I feel better now that I've I've exercised

my demons with that rant do you know what I mean you've vented there I'll tell you what I'll give you at least with Jade she's got the stuff is she getting on with it now

is she decorating erm yeah she's doing her thing in there she needs to buy a couple more things that we couldn't get from the B&M we were going to go the range today

to get the rest but now that me test is negative Jade doesn't want to go near any shops because people were fucking dry humping us yesterday in the aisles there's no social distance yeah fucking big b&m kid but if you go in b&m or fucking the home bargains you basically it's the shopping equivalent of the walking dead in it that's basically sean of the walking dead in it. That's basically Shaun of the Dead meets Discount Troll. Like... Oh, here they come. Fucking hell.

You know what I noticed, though? Do you know when I got that negative test before? Yeah. I had... This isn't a conscious decision. And I don't know when it's happened.

But my opinion on the virus subconsciously has changed. Now it's more serious. No, I think it's not as serious because as soon as it comes through, I was like, oh, fucking negative. So I probably haven't had it. I mean, it doesn't definitely mean that I haven't had it

because it says the best time to do that test is 14 to 21 days after you had any symptoms. Now, the only symptom i had at any point was a bit of breathlessness and that was back when i was still coming to yours so that's about nine weeks ago now isn't it yeah ish so there's a chance it's a false negative so i was just like could be a false negative and whatever doesn't matter just crack on as normal jade was like i don't want to be now. Now that you're definitely negative.

I was working. I was getting a bit complacent. This is all Jade. I was getting a bit complacent. Thinking we'd like working under the assumption, essentially that we've probably already are there. We need to stop doing that. I'm not going to range today.

No more unnecessary journeys. And as I was reading it, I was like, oh, what are you fucking doing that for let's just crack on let's go to the range today and I was sort of and this is totally not what I was like a few weeks ago I was so like I was building a fucking bomb shelter

essentially do you know what I mean we've got so many fucking pot noodles downstairs and I think now I'm sort of like if I'm going to get it I'm going to get it subconsciously i haven't sort of consciously made that decision but that's where i've been for a while you know that's where i've been for a while because we're gonna have a decision coming up soon when our nursery reopens for etta and laura's working are gonna expect her to go back and like she's now getting stressed because she follows

other mums on instagram and obviously that's a concern isn't it your kids health but people are like well i've seen articles saying that children do get ill i'm like yeah but i could find those articles as well but what you've done is ignored 4 000 fucking articles about everyone else who gets ill statistically small children are not high risk for this and at some point we have to come out of this and start living our lives so if we're going to do that we might as well crack on because you've pretty much the fork in the road is are you going to isolate like your high risk and take this very seriously and cut yourself off and and reduce your chances of getting it until there's a vaccine or

are you gonna go and go and live your life i'm gonna work she's gonna work and etta's gonna go to nursery because doing a half job of like no etta can't go to nursery and then but you can go to a gig that's live streaming that's fucking ridiculous laura going to work and saying well there was social distancing bullshit we might as well it's either one way or the other like i know the argument is well kids what can't socially distance you're like once you're out and you're working and you're you're going to the range you're going to bnm i don't think you're properly socially distancing either it's one or the other and i want to crack on i do not want to live in fear of this because my other worry is if you do lock down and take it very seriously you're going to come out and it very seriously you're going to

come out and get it anyway you're going to fuck up this six months you're going to put your mortgage at risk and then be like oh shit we got it at christmas and we just say at this point by the way this is all just me and dan talking i don't want anyone listening to this and going oh you're advising people to do whatever we're absolutely not never ever ever ever especially in this first section of the show where we're just talking shit. Never take this as us telling you what to do or advice or anything like that because it's fucking not that at all.

We're not medically qualified. And if you've listened for more than one episode, you should know by now that we're a pair of fucking morons. But... But... Fucking bang on there, lad. Get out there.

Lick a pensioner. Live your life. do what you were doing I won't let Rona beat me I'm licking pensioners just like I was before I was talking about this in my group chat before with a couple of the lads and one of them was like apparently there's only

253 people under the age of 60 that didn't have a serious underlying condition that have died. 250 people. And I was like, yeah. I went back with a sort of lawful argument of, well, the argument

is that that's 253 too many. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Basically, there's a big businessman, I forget his name, he's suing the government for 200 million pounds. For what he's suing the government for £200 million for what he's lost. Because of lockdown, right?

Because he's saying, I've lost this, you should never have locked the country down. Only 253 non-vulnerable people have died. And I was like, yeah, but the government will win that because they'll just go, 253 is too many. And then one of the lads made a really good point. He was like, well, does that mean we should take cars off the road?

Like, how many people die from getting run over by a car every year? It's well more than 250. It's seen as like collateral damage of having a society where cars are better, isn't it? I just, I don't fucking know

the answers at the minute. No, but like, how can you, you can't sell cigarettes. Cigarettes is, it's personal choice it's it's independent choice you you have to take personal responsibility cigarettes are available they're clearly fucking terrible for you people want to smoke they're available there's tariffs they're taxed driving is very fucking dangerous really handy but there's loads of road deaths. If, yeah, you've just got to,

if people want to isolate, they absolutely should, plus they're older, plus they've probably got the pensions. But if you're not sending kids to nursery because you're really worried about the health implications, then we should sell the cars as well, in theory,

because they're fucking horrific. And you know, and that's why I'm standing as MP of Salmouthdale. Oh no. Mr. Nine Girl. Can I just ask you? I didn't think you were going to do it.

I was like, I know what we're doing in the middle section. So I thought I might leave off just now. Mr. Nine Girl, he going to change things for Scalmouthdale. He going to make it so much better for

all of us. Price of potato going to plummet. Free red salt for everybody. He labour, he labour, he like red salt. How did you feel, and be honest, and I'm not trying to poke the bear, be honest and i'm not i'm not trying to poke the bear about the plumber being a woman how where were you on that i'm obviously big women can be plumbers i've just i'm just talking individually about adam's sort of guttural response i didn't really have one i just went oh that's weird isn't it like that was it because i i had a young woman change a light woman change one of the bulbs on my car about five years ago. Oh my God. Oh, can we talk about this?

No, we probably can't. Wait, let me tell, let me just set you up because I think you should. But I, she was a young,

this is when we lived in Leeds and I'm such a fanny with cars. I'm like, I don't know. It's going to be hard work and I'm gonna have to go to alfred's anyway and buy the bulb and then i might as well pay the extra seven quid to be like could you do it but i sort of expected to be a lad and be like you're more manly than me and the older you get the harder that gets because it's a young lad who's like yeah and you're like yeah you don't look like you can fucking tidy your bedroom so why am i letting you do this and then it was a young girl and i was like oh oh fuck and

and i wasn't i wasn't happy with my reaction to it but in my head i was like oh oh and it sort of shamed me into into doing it myself so the next time a bulb went i went to halfords and instead of paying for someone to do it I took it home I spent 45 minutes trying to break the front of my car off to get this cunt in bull bin I twatted it around so hard

I broke one finally got the second one in don't think I did it right and the next time it went I went straight back to Halfords and I would have I'd literally have

asked for the girl I'd have been like is that young girl back because she did a fucking belting job the first time but the initial reaction was you're a man Dan you can do this you shouldn't let a girl do this and in reality she

did a far better fucking job than i could but uh go on i feel like come on you've teed up for something i know i will i will say it so it was just the the light bulb structure of a joke right so there's a we've got a mutual friend, a female mutual friend, and she does listen to the podcast actually, right? And she put something on her Facebook the other day. She'd been sent an unsolicited video from a man on her Facebook friend list

and he was wanking into a mirror, right? Disgusting, horrible. And she'd said, what are you doing? Don't do that. And he just called her a cunt and said, oh, fuck off, you cunt. I'll send you videos of me wanking

whenever I want, that sort of vibe. Clearly an horrible, dirty bastard. And she tagged him in the post saying, look what this horrible bastard sent me. And I just scrolled through his Facebook

and this is a guy that is clearly a couple of things. First of all, he's smack bang in the middle of a mental breakdown. He's clearly a massive drug addict. He's a method, right? It's quite, the evidence is there.

And he's also, and more importantly than the mental breakdown and the drug addict bit, he's also a definite cunt. Like he's a bad person on top of those things. It's not those two things that are affecting his behavior. He's also a massive cunt. Like he's a bad person on top of those things. It's not those two things that are affecting his behaviour. He's also a massive cunt as well. And he put a joke on his Facebook page and

it's so horrible. And I laughed at it for a good ten minutes. Like couldn't breathe. It's so fucking stupid. And I loved it for all the wrong reasons. Is he a comedian? No, no, no, no.

No, absolutely not. He's just a bad person who's shared like an old joke. So here's the joke. What a beautiful setup. I'm so tense. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, Jesus. All of them want to change the light bulb

and the rest just suck my dick. Fuck me. It was safer when we were talking about B&M bargains, wasn't it? The best part about it was the suck my dick bit was capitalised and had three exclamation marks as well. It was so... It just... It's such a bad joke and such a horrible joke

that I couldn't help but die laughing at it. The fact that, like, he thinks that's a good joke enough to put on his Facebook page. I can't say that this is going to cause me any trouble. Send. Facebook should be like, dude, you definitely want to post this.

Oh, God. The rest of them want to change the light bulb and the rest of them want to suck my dick. Well, there's no following that bad boy. Let's have a break, lad. Shout out to Trans Alloy Wheels,

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In the meantime, I'm going to follow them online. We'd love it if you could do it as well. On Facebook, they're Trans Alloy Wheels. That's all one word, Trans Alloy, all one word, wheels. Give them a like, give them a follow. They're on Twitter, at Trans Alloy W. Trans Alloy W. And have a look for Trans Alloy Wheels on Instagram.

They've shown this podcast some love. Let's show them some love back. All right, back to the pod. some love back. Alright, back to the pod. Your ma and da listen to Have A Word. Adam, you're in charge. You're in charge. This is your episode.

It is. You've done a bit of prep for our accent bit, haven't you? I've done. I've done. I've decided that, well, we sort of, we came up with it on Monday and I've, I've followed through in the nicest sense of that phrase. So, um, I'll say this before we get to the last section today, if you haven't listened to Monday's episode, now we, we get to download them as we know, almost every one of our regular listeners has already listened to Monday's. Don't listen to today's have a Word section until you've listened to the Have A Word section from Monday.

That's all I'll say for now. We'll get to that in a bit. I've prepared, because I know you've got a bit for the middle section for later on, I've got three would-you-rathers for you. Oh, I like this. All of them are from Jade. What?

I gave Jade the chance to come up with a few would-you-rathers. She gave me about five or six. A couple of them were shit, so I said no. But these three I think are good. Good on you, Jade. So, I've got three types. One

of them is like... She doesn't do dirty, Jade, does she? A food and drink related one we've got a um family matters related one and we've got a clothing related one which one would you want first let's do them in the order do them in the order that you said let's do it like that okay would you rather never drink alcohol again or never have anything with milk in again, including food?

I mean, I fucking love my cornflakes in the morning. How do you like eggs in the morning? You could switch to oat milk though, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I could go from a massage to getting kicked in the balls, but it doesn't mean I want to. Fucking oat milk.

No, fam. What's the... I mean, there's some things I don't mind the replacement of, but milk's fucking... Milk's just the industry standard, isn't it? You never have pizza again. Oh, this is difficult. I didn't even think about cheese.

I'd have to go non-dairy. But then what am I going to do at weddings? Just fucking what? Just sat in a corner with your cornflakes and your pizza. Have we ever been to a wedding before? I go big at weddings. There's something about weddings. I love getting fucking in there.

There's something about day drinking. It suits me. I like the cast of characters. I like being a plus one because then you're the random extra in the film of the wedding. I've also been the fucking lead role. And that, to be honest, is more ball-like than it's worth. Being a best man. Being a best man is tremendous.

You're like the co-star, the supporting actor. And everyone knows you. You get your little speech. Everyone's like, is he going to be awful? Yeah, he's a nice guy yeah fucking love a wedding i tell you one of my least favorite things is when comedians get married and don't invite me to the wedding pete otway chris washington you pair of fucking rats uh but congratulations muscle tough um uh yeah i i i've been boozing a lot here mate turbo shandy wise and i love both i love the

booze and i love the dairy but i tell you this i've never had two bowls of cornflakes and got laid you know i've never i've never on a christmas day gone oh my god my family are boring cunts i need a bowl of mozzarella, grated mozzarella. I think I've never, just before a podcast, gone, fuck, I'm feeling a little flat. Maybe I'll have, you know, a bit of dairy leave. That's what I think. I think I'm choosing the booze.

I don't want to sound too obvious, but it wasn't an easy one. You know what, lad? I'm fucking with you. Milk can go and suck its mum. Alcohol all the way. Yes. I mean, milk's good, though, to be fair, but yeah. Yeah, milk's like second to alcohol, obviously, but in this situation, you know,

this is Champions League final and they've lost. What? Milk are Tottenham. Yeah. I think booze-wise, there's not a lot. Although booze is the thing that's probably going to fucking put me in an early grave. Because again, you know, I've never had cheese on toast

and tried to ring a drug dealer. I don't think cheese is affecting my health more than fucking alcohol is. Yeah, but it's not making you... Yeah, I know. It depends. If you've ever done coke, you know what I'm talking about. Like, there is that thing of like if I get four pints of me, the sun's out,

and I'm in a town where I've got mates, I'm like, maybe we could go drink someone. And that's never the case after a fucking omelette. Fucking, that was lovely. We're keeping alcohol. Do you want to drink something? We're keeping the alcohol. Keep the booze, yeah.

Right, this is a difficult one I reckon would you rather have your parents and let's just let's just for this assume that our mums are still alive or we could just have our dads

would you rather have your parents see your last 12 months of browsing history and any videos you've watched, they will see, or the other way around and you see all of theirs? I'm laughing, not because it's appalling it's not appalling to me

I've got my dad left my dad is in fucking Lancashire he's retired he's got Parkinson's and he is low maintenance my dad wants an easy fucking life to the extent that sometimes we can go two months without speaking

you know where my birthdays occurred in those two months, and you'd be like, Daddy, you all right? He's like, oh, I'm sorry about that. I totally forgot that I had a son. He is not like one of them parents who'd be like, I can't believe this. He'd be like, oh, yeah, that's interesting.

Where's that website? Could you send me a link? You're assuming that it's just porn stuff here. Like, if your dad's Googled something like, can you get athlete's foot on your dick? Like, or weepy penis, or green bunk coming out of some felon, you're going to know all of that. I think he's so laid back, he'd be like,

oh, well, never mind. Flaky dick it is. Have you not Googled anything in the past year that you'd be horrified if your dad saw it? Can I just say this? Honestly, my dad, it's the weirdest feeling. We get on fine. We speak now because my granddad's now moved in with him,

so he's giving full care to my 95-year-old granddad. As a result, me and my dad are speaking fucking 20 times more than we normally do. To the extent that dad basically told me to stop ringing so much. Because I ring my pop all the time because he's dead, dead old, and he hasn't got many people. So I make the effort. Now he's there. I'm ringing every other

day and dad's like literally went oh hi yeah no no no don't worry about calling him you can just if there's something happens i'll call you i'm like no dickhead that's not how it works he he honestly he's so laid back i know that he's a dirty old sod because he's giving me the genetics of being a dirty sod there's sometimes i catch myself going that is a really kind of pervy thought and i'm like yeah but it's not just come out of fucking nowhere it's not like my sort stalk dropped me off in a fucking blanket you know like dumbo style and like he was a sex offender and now that's why i'm a little bit dirty like i got some fucking fill through the beak i know it's's genetic. I know he was a dirty old bastard. I know that.

He knows that really. But no, I'm not arsed. But I tell you what, if it was my mother-in-law and my father-in-law, that change, that change, that's a whole other layer on my... I am more mortified by the process. So they see yours or you see theirs. Law is one of that.

So I, a little story about this, about a year and a half ago, I remember exactly where I was. It's etched in my memory. I am not a, I don't share my laptop, right? It's my laptop. And I think that is, that means that I should be able to put

in the Google search bar any fucking thing I want, right? And I've never been one of those private browser guys who's like, oh, I love, do you remember the advert? I think it was a Microsoft advert where they were like, oh, now we do a private browser when you're, you know, shopping for your wife's birthday present. It was the most code advert for, for guys we've sorted out how you can

wank don't worry about it but she uh she's staying at ours uh this is about a year and a half ago and i have my laptop just up on my desk like and she was like oh can i use your laptop i was like yeah dude no worries she just went in the search bar and started typing and went oh oh there's a lot of suggestions come up and then just smiled at me and i went mentioned this before i went i went i went and you can't you can't be like oh no it's not they're laura's so i just had to she was just a quiet little moment and it would have passed as a nice little moment if Laura hadn't been like, oh, is that from, oh, is that from what you've been looking at?

Oh, that's disgusting. She just, like she underlined the awkwardness. Yeah. Or, yeah, she's laughing. She can just hear me, she's heard me say that. I can hear her laughing. Totally, You're totally hotting me out there.

Well, I am a pervert, but you'd rather I use Pornhub than pester you all the time. You know, when you said pester you, I thought you were about to say pets at home. You'd rather me use Pornhub than pets at home. The thing is about wanking to porn hub a lot of people are all right with it really wanking at pets at home that will get you spoken

to by the manager like could you excuse me miss nightingale we've spoken about that could you come away from the gerbils i am no yeah i i don't weirdly now that that's happened, I've sort of broken the seal. My father-in-law. I also think with men, it's like you fucking know, don't pretend, don't pretend that you retired and your dick fell off. You've been a play,

play all, but with your mother-in-law, you found out like her mom had Googled like divorce lawyers or something. Now you've got the information that her mom was considering leaving her dad what do you do do you tell her what if she's got past it yeah i know i know what you mean the whole browsing this isn't just a wanky thing this is everything yeah how to kill a son-in-law.com i don't know if there is that website, but that would be like, legal advice for your daughter who's thinking about divorcing. I think the sex stuff would freak me out the most.

I don't think I'd ever want to find out my mother-in-law was into some male. I'd be like, no, mate. But you'd rather them find yours. I think we just have to... I'm 39. They know the score. Come on, look at the state of me. I'm no angel.

Everyone's got a roof. Everyone's fed. Let me watch what I want to watch. What's Laura's maiden name? Why? What are you doing? I'm just going to do a little sketch. Ross. Ross. Hello, Mr. Ross. why what are you doing i'm just going to do a little sketch ross ross um hello mr ross um i i'm down we've met a few times i've i've um i've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage okay well i'm going to need your browsing history listen dickhead everyone's fed let me watch what i want to watch. Fuck off. I tell you what, you can fuck off because, one,

I'm not doing it at pets at home, and two, we've got 64 meg broadband for a reason. Can I tell you what Rob Ross, my father-in-law, said when we rang? My daughter's going mental. When she, fucking hell, what's going on today? What's going on in my house? Everyone's heckling me while I'm podcasting, shitting loudly

and fucking screaming. We rang him to give him the good news and we were like, we didn't ask him for his permission because Laura was like, no,

she's not a feminist but she was like, no, we don't need his fucking permission. I'm his daughter, not his property. Fair enough. So I wanted to ring him

and be like, we rang him, told him. And he literally went, oh, God, there's no returns. Once you've bought it, there's no returns policy. Classic. So, yeah, tricky. But I'd rather just be like, fuck it. I'm 39.

If you've heard the podcast, you know the score. Phenoms. Fair enough. Final one. This is my favourite one. Would you rather live in a set of women's lingerie

and a pair of high heels that you can never take off even in the bath or you're constantly that you can never take off even in the bath or you're constantly on a 30 foot dog lead that Laura's holding it never disconnects and she never puts it down

so you can only ever be 30 foot away from Laura on a lead or you've always got lingerie and a pair of high heels on at all times. You can never take it off. It's always the same ones.

And you can, when you go out, you can wear stuff over the lingerie, but you have got it on underneath. But obviously you will never be able to hide the high heels. But when you're in the house, all you've got on is the lingerie and the high heels. Right. all you've got on is the lingerie and the high heels right initially when you said it I was like

oh that sounds awful can I just do one thing this is for Jade because Jade did come up with this yeah to be fair Jade that's pretty good I love it like even in the bath like what a weird fucking thing to say what so I have to keep buying new fucking high heels because they keep getting ruined in the bath. What a weird fucking thing to say. What, so I have to keep buying new fucking high heels

because they keep getting ruined in the bath? No, it's the same ones. Right, well, that's a different level of problem, isn't it? Because they're going to start disintegrating. And I wear high heels, but they've got to be nice ones, do you know what I mean? Initially, I was like, whoa, you're not fucking doing that, wearing high heels. But then,

I'll say this. First point, I have worn women's knickers before and obviously, hang on, whoa, park,

what? Have you never tried your missus's knickers on, ever? Never. No, well you've not because Jade's tiny and you've got a little

fucking Arabian batty uh you've got some fucking north african junk in the trunk um i'll tell you this not even it's not sexually but just like fucking about i have tried on laura's knickers and i'm not talking about thongs fuck you know thongs are dirty mate thongs are like that last bit you know that last bit of toilet paper just leaving it in there for a bit and be like oh that smells no shit no pun intended um i've tried her knickers on and my wife has got i mean there's there's a polite way of saying it smell just say she's got a big ass she's got a fucking phenomenal but i'd say she's got a badonkadonk mate in fact i honestly if laura's if she was black they'd still be like her black friends would be like

girl you've got a big ass um and i've tried it they're really quite comfy the black the big like the black sort of i don't think that's that bad as long as i don't have to wear tiny little fucking and some of the things like giving me lingerie fucking moose hoof oh says lingerie so they're not like comfy granny panties it's like it's sexy stuff oh for fuck's sake i don't know I'd have to consider it because you think I'll just go on a lead

on a lead always always awful so every time I'm doing a gig and I'm telling a story about her

she could just yank it from the back of her I'm like alright love sorry anyway my miss alright like a naughty dog like a fucking

every time I was on a laptop she'd be like what are you looking at there use the private browser I'd hate that oh it'd be awful on a lads holiday with her

20 seats back I'm gonna go lingerie and just fucking chafe I could just go Eddie Izzard although I'd make a fucking ugly Eddie Izzard when I...

I've heard about Dan Nightingale. A bit cynical, but he's cross-dressing on stage now. It's not like she changed his material. Like, who's drinking? Ah, that was a good one.

I'd get on TV, though. Jade, just so you know, that was a good one I'd get on TV though Jade just so you know Dan is going to keep drinking alcohol he's going to show his mother-in-law his browsing history and he wants the high heels

and honestly in that order sort of makes sense doesn't it I've had a few drinks I know you're Laura's mum and that but look this is a midget and it's a lesbian bukkake it's fantastic I'm just going to the shop

can I borrow your shoes have a look at this video that I was looking at the other night can I just go upstairs I'm looking at your drawers I think it's time for the fa cup final draw oh it's adam's acting masterclass ladies and gents if you if you miss monday's episode adam uh has decided that he's going into acting um you know he's podcasting like a fucking maniac um and that's mainly rona related uh he gigs like a hooer

but now he wants to branch out and do some acting and obviously we've got to train him up he's got talent we've all seen the raw talent chicago la it's just it's there but we need to tune it up so we've set a challenge for each other and we really like the parameters of a sort of a descriptive term, adjective, a nationality or regional accent, and then a job. Yeah, basically, I feel like I could play any role. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In any film or any TV series. You can throw any accent at me.

Give me a few minutes. I'll have it nailed. I can be angry. I can be sad. I can be hyperactive. I can be upset. I can be any. I've got such a range of emotions.

And I reckon I could portray any job. I reckon I've got one of those faces where if you see me as a lawyer, you'd go, yeah, that works. And if you see me as a drug you'd go yeah that works and if you see me as a drug baron you'd think that works and if you see me cleaning carpets you'd be like that works I've got a cross occupational face

I think that's what it's called in the trade but I mean lean into you know like a what's he in Gilbert great yeah but if you played someone with special needs as well I think that particularly would be good anyway

on the trolleys starring Adam Rowe the new Ken Loach film he loves comedians about a young lad called Malcolm who works at Sainsbury's

like I've been finished with that right okay about a young lad called Malcolm who works at Sainsbury's. I've been finished with that. Right, okay. Who's taking the first... You want to take the first one. I mean, it's your masterclass. I'll have a few cracks of these as well, obviously. Just for the fuck of it.

Tell the audience what you're doing right now. So I've got three piles. I've got three piles. I've got the descriptive word. I've got the regional accent. I've got the regional accent. I'm shuffling them like cards. And then I'll... If anyone thinks I've set this up,

there'll be ones, I'm pretty sure there'll be ones that maybe just don't quite click. But that's the fun of it. Let's see what we've got. Well, we purposely, if anyone thinks we've set this up, we purposely haven't. A lot of people did send in the other day. They did send in the full thing,

didn't they? They were like, we want you to do a disgruntled Zimbabwean toilet cleaner. Yeah, we might do them. We might do them. It's more fun if it's random and we can never possibly know what combination

we're going to get until we're given it right there and then. You ready? So go on. Yes. Born ready, kid. Hungover. Okay. Iraqi.

Hungover Iraqi driving instructor okay so adam hungover iraqi driving instructor oh he's really getting in it hello friend. Please get in the car. No, I had a heavy night last night. It was Champions League final. I am a big Liverpool fan. We won it for seventh time. Fantastic. But very hungover.

Right. Nice to meet you. This your first lesson? Right. Okay. This is going to be very difficult for me today. I couldn't give less of a shit about how good you are at driving. So how about we just go to the McDonald's and I give you free lessons in return because I really need three double cheeseburgers, two large fries, a Coke, a milkshake, a McFlurry and a chocolate brownie to dip in. So we're going to do that now. You get in the passenger seat, I will drive the car

and we pretend this never happened. Okay? Oh mate. Adam, beautifully done. I thought you were going to put that in the wall on purpose, but you really committed to it. A few points just for the, don't get me wrong,

I'm no expert on role play, but I'd like it to be explained next time. A, where the fucking McDonald's is in Iraq that is selling a full British McDonald's menu. Hey, hang on. You didn't tell me we were in Iraq. Oh, good point. On a technicality, absolutely good point.

There's Congolese fishermen. It's not really what I meant. But, yeah. Also, you didn't really explain why an Iraqi is drinking. Is he a, you know, it's a huge majority Muslim. It's a huge majority Muslim. I would have thought within the role play, you'd have given us a reason like, oh, no, I used to be a committed Muslim. It's a huge majority Muslim. I would have thought within the role play, you'd have given us a reason like, oh no, I used to be

committed. See, this is the problem with straight white men like you. Oh, don't. They assume that because someone's from somewhere that that's their whole identity and it's wrong, okay? Yeah, but this guy is a party animal. He was born in Iraq, he was raised in Iraq

and then he came to liverpool he discovered blue wicked and turbo shandies and now he's a fucking legend i love the grace of you know god but also the fucking alco pops are very good okay next one next one exhausted exhausted exhausted northern irish dominoes delivery guy exhausted dominoes northern irish dominoes delivery guy oh for fuck's sake can't they just come and collect it. Wow. I'm not fucking... Happy ass driving fucking three miles. Can't he just come and

collect it? I can just sit here and get paid. No, he's gone south. He's gone too south. I'm not fucking bending down. I'm not fucking bending down. Shut the fuck up. I don't have to fucking do a contactless delivery because of the fucking runner.

I'm not fucking doing it. I'm not doing it. They can come down here and get it. I've had a long day. Guys, they're all over the Celtic Isles. I think with Northern Irish, you've got to go that way. Listen, you fuck. I am fucking exhausted.

I've been delivering fucking pepperoni passion all over fucking Ulster and I'm not bending down to do a fucking contact that you take it from my fucking hand. I can give a fucking shit about the Rona. I've survived more than the fucking Rona.

Oh dear. Fuck you, mate. Oh, hello, no. I tell you I'm from N Fuck you, mate. Oh, hello, no. I tell you, I'm from Northern Ireland. From the fucking Faroe Islands. Hello. Those cunts have got a weird fucking accent. What are the Faroe Islands?

Always makes me think of Egypt because of the Faroes. They're playing Finland, are they? They're in the European groups. Why? Fucking. Mate, the flid groups in European qualification could happen, couldn't it? Andorra and Faroe Islands can

just go and play hockey with each other. Who else? San Marino. Fucking jog on. Right. Ready? Yeah. Pregnant. Oh, I'm so glad I did that one. Pregnant. Oh, I'm so glad I did that one. Pregnant Welsh.

Yes, mate! Pregnant Welsh prostitute. Oh, in my head when I got pregnant, I was like, please. Right. Oh, dear. Do you like how I got pregnant, I was like, please. Right. Oh, dear. Do you like it when I'm pregnant?

Fuck, you know. Oh, that is so sinister. That is so sinister. Does it turn you on? Knowing I've got a baby and me? What's Jade peeping you for? I think you doing that accent, I think that is a sex crime.

Oh, the thing is, right, I'm all pregnant now, but I can still take it up the bum hole. Oh, my God. I can't believe how depressing this one is. I'm dying to go back to the hungover Iraqi driving instructor, which is definitely borderline racist. Oh, the thing is, right, I'm dying to go back to the hungover Iraqi driving instructor, which is definitely borderline racist. Oh, this thing is, right.

I'm pregnant, and I don't want you fucking me and changing who the baby's daddy is to you. So, do you want to fuck my armpit? Is that how Welsh pregnancy works? Listen, I'm already pregnant. I don't want you confusing the genealogy, innit? I think that's how it works, innit? Once the baby's up there, he's going to end up with two daddies.

That can happen though. If you fuck a pregnant woman and you're not the father of the baby, you can turn that baby into yours. How do you mean? No, you look at Adam's trying to ad-lib

and he's like, you went, no, no, what do-lib no what do you mean what do I mean so until a baby's fully formed I think it's like the first two trimesters if more semen gets onto it then you would be the baby's biological father yeah yeah just to check

in the third trimester you just said if you jizz on a baby it's yours okay no no no no in the first two oh yeah yeah that's just a baby which is you are just saying fucking words trimester like you oh yeah no no listen adam's so confident of his own opinion no yeah yeah yeah but i tell you what the fifth trimester've got to watch out for that cunt. That's a fucking nightmare. Listen to me, I know what I'm talking about. The first two trimesters,

if you put sperm on that growing fetus, your sperm, then it would share some of your DNA. In the third trimester, you just cum on a baby. Trimester! It's a fucking Game of Thrones reference. I tell you what, I'm a prostituteregnant Welsh prostitute

That was fucking That was a little A little too edgy for me On our downloads in Abergavenny Llanelli In Llandudno I've gone right down

Ready? I've got a baby in me And I don't want you Fucking coming on my baby So No How are you so good at Iraqi And so bad at British Isle accents?

I think you are. Look at you. Look at Presh Shah. He is a bit Iraqi. He must be. He's got a little bit of Middle Eastern in him. You know? Right.

Try it. Right. Listen. You've got to really focus your acting now because it's going to get really difficult. I don't know how you're going to pull this one out. Morbidly obese. I know.

Just try. It's empathy. Morbidly obese, Geordie. Thank you so much. Morbidly obese, Geordie's school teacher. Oh, for hell

oh no mate we're not going to play football because I need to sit down we're going to maths how many plays does Mr Rowe need to fucking get up in the morning

no no no you can't be eating in class because it's raw need to fucking get up in the morning. No, no, no. You can't be eating in class because it's distracting me. I need to teach you all this stuff. So put that away or share it with us. You know how I'm seeing.

I'm I'm I'm and I'm a teacher there you go, if you just say what your character's meant to be then you don't need to act it I am dead fat and Geordie and I'm teaching

great, great impression I'm a teacher and I'm fat and I'm Geordie come on, where's the chalk? there's nothing wrong with being fat and Geordie. Yeah, man. Where's the chalk? There's nothing wrong with being fat and Geordie. I've eaten it lately. Just look at me.

I'm smashing it. Just like your fucking pasty. Really old. First selection, really old. Canadian. Really old Canadian. Compare. I don't know where I come back at.

Really old Canadian compere. I think I've worked with a few of the cons. Oh, hello there on the front row. What's your name? You need to answer. It's quite good. Hello on the front row there. What's your name?

Are we in Canada or are you over here? I'll do it Canadian if you like. My name's Craig. No, no, no. You're from Nottingham. Alright, Doc. What's your name? My name's Darren. I'm from Roundier.

Okay, lovely. Oh, no. What do you do? Fucking not a lot, mate. No, literally not a lot I'm on disability allowance Oh, disability benefits Well, I don't come to where you work and roll your wheelchair down the stairs

Mate You sound like a fucking special needs Scandinavian Hello This is now I am doing You sound like a fucking special needs Scandinavian. Hello? This is now. I am doing. Oh, God. I'm a bit Asian.

Hey, who's drinking, eh? No, I'm about to bring on one of my favorite acts. He's all the way over from Liverpool, eh? That's terrible. Fucking terrible. Right. Adam, you're smashing this, apart from the ones you're not. The further away from where you're from, the better you are at the accent.

Because your Welsh Northern Irish is just a weird conglomeration of sort of, Scottish Irish, hello. Right. Sleazy. sort of scottish irish hello right sleazy sleazy albanian i mean we could just leave it there sleazy sleazy albanian kleptomaniac so sleazy albanian maniac'septomaniac's not a job. That's a mental illness and crime. Yeah, it's just a sort of thing in it. It's like they're addicted to stealing. They're addicted to stealing.

Yeah. Sleazy Albanian. Albanian who's addicted to stealing. Go. Yes, you're right. I did steal these purses. I did steal them all. how about I give you them back if you show me your tits

get your vagina out then I will give you all the things back that I have stolen from your shop if you don't get vagina out I'm keeping them call the police I don't care I'm a sleazy Albanian kleptomaniac that's who I am I want to steal your heart

and also your credit card details. Okay. That's borderline racist. Pissed off. We've got pissed off. Okay, so angry, pissed off. Russian. I don't know how you're going to do this.

Pissed off, Russian, sex trafficker. No, you listen to me, fucking piece of shit. This is my child that I am to sell to be fucked in the West. It is for me to sell into sex trafficking, not from you, you sleazy Albanian kleptomaniac. Stop stealing my fucking children. I am to sell these children to get fucked in the ass by the white British men. Fuck you. No, you fuck me.

I fuck you in the ass. That's what I will do. I fuck you. I fuck all your people. You all get fucked by me. You do never want to piss off A Russian sex trafficker And that is what you have done

Go fuck yourself, suck my dick Can I just say You're Russian and you're South American drug lord Almost the fucking same And you start threatening to bum everyone When you go angry I fuck you in the ass

I fuck you in the ass I fuck you in the ass threatening to bum everyone. When you go angry... Why is he a child sex trafficker? I mean, I said sex trafficker, but you took it too far. I just think it's easier to traffic children than grown adults. Right. So I assumed he was taking the easy road. It's easier to sell a kid than a 22-year-old, isn't it?

Oh! Oh! It's easier to sell a kid than a 22-year-old, isn't it? I'm having fun, but... Right. Do you want another? Yeah, we've got to have another. Pre-op. Oh, God. Oh, God! This might become ill taste this honestly now i'm a little worried that we might honestly be taking a step too far adam just because you've been tweeted at before

doesn't make the child sex trafficking go around pre-op German oh no I've picked up the nationalities oh dear pre-op German gynecologist so when you say pre-op like before the change

in gender like they've got a bad back and they haven't had the operation yet well I mean really now we've got a bad back and they haven't had the operation yet? Well, I mean, really, it could be. Now we've got a gynaecologist, it could be quite ambiguous, because he could be pre-the-operation where he does change someone's gynaecology.

And you just roll with it, kid. Hello, Mrs Nightingale, once you come into my gynaecology office, get your rat out. I use... Get your rat out. Get your rat out. I want to see your pussy lips. That's what I want to see.

I'm going to inspect them. Make sure everything's okay. And maybe take inspiration for my vagina, which I'm getting next week. Get your rat out. Oh, get your rat out. Hello,

Mrs. Nightingale. So God, Laura can only hear me and not you. The thing is that I have been a gynecologist now for a very, very long time, and I have not yet seen perfect pussy for me to copy for mine. I want to see yours and every other lady in the waiting area

today and the best one I'm going to take photo of and take to my surgeon and go this the pussy I want. So good luck. You're in the lottery. Get your rat out. I really wish I had some mundane ones. I'm hoping for a mundane...

Tell me I haven't got range. You've got international range, but your home nation's a dog shit. Stoned. I don't want to be a British actor who's stuck in fucking Hollyoaks, do I? I'm aiming for the big leagues. I want to be in Hollywood.

Stoned. Jamaican. I'm not trying to be contentious yeah i am stoned jamaican pedo fucking hell we're in the drag we're in the drags now a pedophile isn't a job dan no but it's a character in it No, but it's a character, isn't it? Oh, man, bring me that child over so I can... No, I'm changing maps. No, I don't want to do that one. Hey, man, I have had too much weed today

and I feel like bombing a child. No, I don't want to... Mate, my head is totally baked. Do you know what I need? Me need a nice, grounding 10-year-old. Right, one final one. Hungry Thai drug dealer.

Hungry Thai drug dealer. We need to sort these. No, that's not Thai. Go on, go on, go on. We need to sort all these drug deals right now because my tea is ready my tea is ready at home i have not eaten all day i am doing keto and i need to go and have my meat it is ready for me it's ready so can you give me the money for the drugs. Mate, your tie is so all over the shop. I need to go. You're basically just a squeaky African.

I need to go. Oh, God. No more of that. I can't. No. My tea ready. My tea ready. I want to go have my tea.

So you need to buy all the cocaine from me. Give me the money now because I am hungry. I am doing keto. Keto and burrito. Well, I need to stop talking just for a sec. I need to not be... We need a minute. We'll let the advert play.

And I need to have a word with my lord and savior jesus christ do you love podcasts have you always wanted to do your own but you don't know how well here at lightwork studios if you've got an idea for a podcast then we want to record it and record it well whether you're doing your first podcast or you've been doing it for years we think all podcasts should look and sound as good as possible. And with prices starting from £30 an hour, we are by far the best-priced professional podcast studio in London. We've got three HD cameras, six top-of-the-range mics, and a sound technician on hand to make sure that all you have to focus on is talking.

We can have the recording edited and sent to you the very same day find us at lightweightpodcast.com so we can help record your next podcast sending your questions and suggestions to have a word pod at gmail.com let's crack on with this nonsense oh shit sorry time for them it's time to have a word with adam and dan tell us all the problems you have with your friends this was gonna be the whole podcast now it's just the final 10 percent oh jesus right you you will try I love it just before we crack onto this just through that

whole last section in my head some of those that came out initially I was like maybe Adam will be like mate I'm not doing that you took a breath

and tried every fucking one of those there wasn't one where you were like I'm going to give that a pass mate just you know thinking about my career

long term this isn't going to be on the internet is it you were like no I'm a to give that a pass, mate. Just, you know, thinking about my career long term. This isn't going to be on the internet, is it? You were like, no, I'm a trooper. Fucking hell. See, the thing is, if you get this far into episode 50, whatever this is of this podcast, and you're like, do you know what?

I didn't like that bit where he was a Jamaican stone pedophile. That was too far. You can go suck your mum, okay? Tell you what happened last night. I put a tweet out. You know, because yesterday, Boris Johnson initially said that people who work in the NHS

but aren't doctors would still have to pay to use the NHS. So, like, cleaners and care workers, they were still going to have to pay if they were from abroad. They were still going to have to pay to use the NHS. And obviously, the public were like,

we can't clap for these people on a Thursday and then charge them for the NHS on the next day. They're literally saving people's lives at the minute in the biggest health crisis this country has ever seen in modern history. We can't do that. And he was forced to do a U-turn and they're no longer going to have to pay that. And I seen people on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook and everything going,

do you know what, credit where it's due there for Boris Johnson because, you know, he's not going to charge them and isn't that lovely? So I've done a tweet, a joke tweet, which was Boris Johnson could say, I'm going to rape and murder every woman in Britain tomorrow. And the British public would be like, we don't think that's a great idea. And then he could go right okay fine I won't do that for at least a few months

and the British public would be like oh my god Boris isn't he so dreamy he's lovely what a night credit where credit's due and someone replied and said I'm a big fan of your comedy Adam but this is a bit offensive there's better analogies out there

and I replied sarcastic like oh my god I'm so devastated by this I hope you found the strength to get over this and he was like I didn't realise you needed sycophantic fans only feedback is a gift or something and I sort of lost it a bit, but I didn't go over the top. I was like, mate, there's no way you can be a huge fan, which was his words

of my comedy, and then find that tweet of all the things I've ever said and done offensive. I'm just done with pretending to cater to fucking adults who can't understand the structure of a joke. The only reason that Boris Johnson joke works is because I've taken the public sycophancy for him to the nth degree. If you stop short of the nth degree, it's not as funny.

The rape and murder bit is the only bit that makes it funny because it's the worst thing you could possibly do. That's why it's funny, cunt. I'm just sick of people who don't understand. Yeah. Common, man,

it's all comedians. I'll just be comedians. Yeah. And the thing is, you are allowed to just not like it. Yeah. Or don't retweet it. Or unfollow someone.

But don't be like, um, can I, you're the bell end who puts his hand up in a comedy club. Can I just stop there? I didn't like that. Just don't laugh. Just be a fucking normal human. And honestly,

we're comics, so if we keep doing that, if we keep tweeting stuff and it gets no likes ever, we'll be like, maybe we should change what I'm doing on these tweets. Can I tell you why I didn't think it worked? Individuals thinking they speak for the masses. Pricks. I've got

one of the credits in my stand-up special says, this is a stand-up comedy special. If you were upset by anything said during this performance, just don't think about it. See? Isn't that better? Now enjoy your fruit juice. Like it. Do you know, can I just stop you there?

I have a child and we buy fruit juice for her, so I found that really, you know, I think there's better analogies out there Adam, so just say Oh fuck you and your kid Brilliant So I said earlier in the episode not to listen to this next bit unless you've listened to Mondays

for those who have listened to Mondays you'll know we're trying to solve an 8 year old mystery called Who's Shit In My Bin we were contacted on Monday by a guy called John. Hi, John. John had had some friends around one night after a night out,

like late in the morning, two of his friends, one called Malaki, one called Sam. Eight years ago. The next morning, his missus found a shit in the kitchen bin. We refused to give our verdict on it on Monday.

I said I was leaning towards it being the wife and a cunning plan where she would shift in the bin, blame his friends so that he would stop bringing them back to have late night boozy, druggy, singy sessions at 4am when she was trying to sleep. I blame the wife. Dan, your instinct was Malachy wasn't it

Malachy whatever his name is Malachy Malachy yeah because he's he's had a line and he gets the that's what I thought you know the old coke plops

we've all been there, bit of baby laxative in your coke we really will flush you out we since then have received testimony from both the wife in question and malarkey we are yet to hear from Sam but I have made an effort

to contact Sam and hopefully we'll hear from him for part I have made an effort to contact Sam and hopefully we'll hear from him for part three of this. Right, yeah. Also, Sam, your silence is just going to incriminate you, so. Exactly. Yeah, he can take the Fifth if he wants, the Fifth Amendment, and he can refuse to comment

on the grounds it may incriminate him, but we will then be forced to only consider the evidence from John, his wife, who wishes not to be named and Malarkey. Now this is the wife's email. Are you ready?

Yeah, go on. So says dear Adam and Dan, my bin was shot in and I would like your help to finally close the case on who's shitting the bin. Well, we're here to help a while after John had come back to bed that night and all was quiet, the bedroom door opened.

It was pitch black. I was woken suddenly, and I saw a squirming shadow for a brief moment in the doorway. In a hurry, the door was closed again, which is something John referenced on the initial email. Then came the sound of a malcoordinated handle grabbing. What a lovely turn of phrase. A malcoordinated handle grabbing.

The language in these emails is phenomenal. Then came the sound of a malcoordinated handle grabbing at the cupboard in the room next door. Next, the distinctive sound of the Yale lock turning and the front door opening and closing. The bathroom door was not tried. I can only imagine that the shitter was distressed at the thought that this flat had no bathroom and glanced down to see the large kitchen bin, removed the lid entirely, sat on it, and dealt with his turtle head. Without a doubt,

the shitter squatted over the bin. The bin was full. Now, this goes back to something we were discussing on Monday, where you thought they might have shit on the floor and then moved it to the bin. I said that based on what we'd seen in the previous email,

that it was my assumption they'd shit directly into the bin. And according to the bin. I said that based on what we'd seen in the previous email that it was my assumption they'd shit directly into the bin and according to the wife it looks like my assumption was correct. The bin was full, the shit was neatly placed in the centre with no tissue or moisture leading me to look around

shouting, where's the piss? How has she married you, John? This is because girls can't poo exclusively. Now, park here for a second, okay? Can I ask you, Dan? Have you ever had a shit without having a piss?

Ever? I mean, I'm sure I have. What if you've had a wee earlier and then you go for a plop? I've never, ever, ever, to my recollection, shit without pissing. Yeah, but that doesn't mean that's... I'll tell you why I think it works.

You know. Right? So I reckon in your body down there, there's like two buttons, right? And they overlap like this. This is the piss one. This is the shit one. Look, I need you to look at me.

This one. I don't want to. This one. Yeah. Shit one. This is worse than the child sex trafficking. So, if you just want to piss, you just do that. This one goes down and you just piss. But, you just do that. This one goes down, and you just

piss. But if you shit, it does that. Right. So, you can't shit without pissing, because pressing your shit button pushes your piss one as well. And, you know, like, on a toilet, you have the little flush and the big flush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the big flush flushes up both of them. That's the shit and piss function in the human body, based on

what I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So... He's a moron. I think. She is saying girls can't just poo and not piss. However, I don't think men can either. So I think either the piss was dribbled down into the bin

and they didn't see it or someone had collected their piss or wiped it up and very cleverly got rid of the toilet roll or whatever they piss or wiped it up and very cleverly got rid of the toilet roll or whatever they used to wipe it up with. She says this in turn proves that she could not have

shit in the bin because she couldn't do so without weeing. Also, and this is directly at me, also Adam, I can't believe you think a woman would be so cunning as to risk her reputation by taking a strategic shit in the dark with two of their boyfriends

best mates six foot away if caught doing that you would be exiled mate it doesn't hold any water that argument what girl is mental enough

to potentially get caught shitting her in her own bin could you imagine if like Maliki Maliki and Sam just like open their eyes and were like What are you doing

love? Go back to sleep. You're fucking dreaming. That is chart. Nasty bitch upset me. Nah. Anyway nah. Thanks for writing in mate but come on. I know Adam's suspicious. I had no knowledge.

This is still here. sorry no no no oh no no i had no knowledge of malarkey's late night loose tubes malarkey is a lovely fella but i didn't know that he shits in the night sam i don't know as well but remember he was once so shit-faced at our new year's eve party he strummed a guitar so hard that his fingers bled. I genuinely don't know which one out of Malarkey and Sam it was. In a cruel twist, I was actually on my way out to buy bacon to make breakfast sandwiches when I spotted the neat pile of shit in my bin. Would I be going out to buy bacon for my husband's friends

if I didn't want him to be bringing them over and having them stay over? I'd be less accommodating, wouldn't I? She's not enjoyed being called a bin pooer, has she? I still think it was her. Following this incident, the extensive interviewing and defence arguments, John continued to bring the lads back at all hours. Would I not have been driven to further lengths had it been me in a failed attempt to call the late night guests we sat down today trying to think of sneaky things i've done and came up with nothing i'm happy to

conclude i may be some things but sneaky is not one of them that's because i asked on monday for john to get back in touch with us and tell us the sneaky fucking things that his wife has done in the past and apparently they can come up with nothing and tell us the sneaky fucking things that his wife has done in the past and apparently they can come up with nothing and I'm telling you right now that's a load of fucking bullshit there's no way that there's a fucking Scouse woman, he said they lived in town, I assume that's Liverpool

referencing the other email actually that it is Liverpool there's no way that there's a fucking Scouse woman out there who isn't a sneaky cunt every now and then, I'm telling you right now she's full of shit and she hasn't done nothing nothing my friend to convince me that this was not her in a cunning plan wait can i just say that is the most i'm writing an email and i love it i sat down with my husband john sit the fuck down and we got out a piece of paper and we had a nice little exercise together because I've been called

names on a podcast that I previously didn't listen to and we sat down and John sat with me and yeah I'd had a coffee and I was in a bad mood but we agreed that I have done nothing sneaky ever and yes John was crying but he

couldn't write anything on the piece of paper therefore I've never done anything sneaky. No, Adam, she didn't poo in the bin. She didn't poo in her own bin. It shows a... Honestly, I cannot imagine any woman I know that is marriable that would take the risk of being seen shitting in a bin i think too much fucking i'm not talking just about law i'm talking about every woman i've

i've known it makes me worry about jade's level if you just disappear and jade does a carol baskin is like oh i don't know where adam went he just went looking he went in the woods and just wanted to get lost maybe he's falling in one of them ditches and swampy bits again i'd be like jade's killed him because apparently she can shit in a bin that's how afraid of adam was now i'm personally i'm giving her the pass the shit pass go on so based so far based on the email from john and now his wife initially you thought it was malaki do you still think it's malaki yeah the coke fiend yeah my mom yeah definitely but yeah no no no it's not her it's not her so you think it's malaki yeah yeah yeah um i'm now gonna read you malaki's testimony and i will be very very

very surprised if by the end of it you still think it's him right i'd love it if he just started she's a dirty bitch i seen her shit in a fucking morrison's bag fucking for life as well this is for malachi. Dear Adam and Dan, after listening to your latest podcast, I wanted to help solve the mystery of the bin shitter. My name is Malachi. Of course you did, you rat. Malachi. And I'm one of the

four suspects of this mucky whodunit. As John stated, it had been a very messy night, and after boozing heavily in town we all ended up back at John's Gaff for a few end of the night tipples I'd be lying if I said I remember each and every detail

from the evening in question but there are a few important facts that I think will help clear this filthy mess up number one I knew exactly where to go for a shit. Now, this is something I mentioned to you on Monday. He'd been several times before.

He would know where the bathroom was. That's his first bit of evidence in his own favor. He says, this is a key bit of evidence to prove my innocence. I'd been at John's place a few times before the night in question and knew exactly where the toilet was. I'd used it many a time to go for a piss and was in no doubt of the location. I certainly couldn't have been the dark shadowy figure in the doorway of the bedroom as I knew that was the door closest to the sofa I'd passed out on. So I wouldn't have

checked it. And for the record, I'd never actually killedale the shit out at that property on any previous visits, which brings me neatly to my next point. Yeah. So what are you thinking so far on that? I mean, everyone could get drunk and lost. I'm not having it so far. Not having it. Go on. Okay. Number two. My shits happen early

and are explosive. Oh, God. So, this is the sad sorry fact of the matter. Yeah. My bowel movement usually kicks in somewhere between line one and line three. Now, when he says line, I think he is referring to his cocaine.

Preach. Preach. Preach, brother. I've been there. I'm already warming to this guy. Malahaki. Malahakai. Malakahoo, Malakahaha. The trash can torpedo.

I love him. I'm really warm to him. Probably, yeah. Go on. The trash can torpedo couldn't have been delivered by myself as I'd already dropped the cargo off earlier in the night. Also, as far as I remember, the offending article was one clean, unbroken turd.

This isn't something I could have achieved under the circumstances. My own stool would have been a mostly liquid discharge. Oh my God, guys, let's start using euphemisms. Why can we use bin torpedo and then get

so fucking history textbook graphic on that one? History, biology, oh, whatever. You freak me out. Nasty bitch, child. So, that was number two. What do you reckon now? Is that convincing you? First of all, Malachi,

Malachi. I've warmed to him because I know he's a fellow Is that convincing you? Are you leaning? First of all, Malaga here, Malaga here. I've warmed to him because I know he's a fellow fiend. And I've been there, mate. I've been there. I've been to parties where you get there after parties and there's cute girls everywhere. You're single, there's cult. You're like, this is going to be quality.

And it's one of them. There's a few people there. And then you've had your first line. You're with the boys and there's cute girls, and they're obviously queuing for the toilet because they're trying to make themselves look good. It's 3.30 in the morning. And then you have a line and then you're like,

oh, it's go time. And you, oh, that's awful. Trying to flirt in a queue where you know you're about to go. And then the awful bit when you leave the toilet and there's girls there and you're like, I'm so sorry. I actually once jogged home from a house party to plop because I just couldn't

face being the party shitter I mean and luckily I was within jog distance especially because I had cocaine I got there like half time like fucking Dwayne Chambers Dwayne Chambers in his best going out kit

yeah but I I mean Yana I can't help but think that that is quite a good argument if you've had Ching-a-ling-a-ling and you've had the clear out it's not one of them that happens late on is it

but it's still not her I think without Sam's testimony this is not looking good for the old on is it but it's still not her i think without sam's testimony this is not looking good for the old boy is it and it's about to get worse number three sam was shit-faced oh jesus sam was the first to retire that night as he'd had a good bit more to drink than me and john i'm pretty sure that night he joined us after being out with a lady friend and had consumed a fair bit more than us before he got to us.

By the time we got back to the flat, he was a bit ways for the way and he hit the hay early on. I'd like to add that this was his first time at the residence and because he crashed early, he had not used the toilet before he went to bed. For what it's worth, no one would have actually cared if it were me who did the dirty deed.

I was a renowned shitter. I've muddied the bogs of many a Liverpool boozer in my day. The bin shit would have been just another chapter in the story of my public shitting life, but it wasn't me. story of my public shitting life but it wasn't me although the idea of John's wife dropping the kids in her own bin there you go euphemism

there you go Malika who laughing dropping the kids in her own bin in some sort of Machiavellian scheme to put a stop to these late night binge sessions would have been pure evil genius I'm sure it wasn't her. The sheer

horrified look and disgusted air eye when she told us about the mystery dump came from a genuine place deep in her heart. As for John, he might take a shit in someone else's bin, but he wouldn't shit where he eats.

All the evidence points to Sam as the mystery shitter. It's pretty clear that he made a desperate bid for the bowl in the wee hours, got the wrong door and in a blind panic squatted over the bin for instant relief. I was sound asleep in

the same room as the guilty party and as for leaving early in the morning I had a guilt free mind and left in a timely manner Sam was shamed into overstaying his welcome trying in vain to cover his shit stained tracks it's time for Sam

to own up once and for all eight years is a long time to hold on to something like this and as John said it's time to come clean yours sincerely the innocent shitter Malarkey well the boy

the boy although his euphemism game is ropey in places he does testify convincingly I think we need to either have an email from Sam or get him on the phone because he is the last star witness in this and I think on Monday I think we need to either have an email from Sam or get him on the phone because he is the last star witness in this. And I think on Monday,

I think this is like who shot Mr. Burns on The Simpsons. This is multi-episode, have a word, but I cannot sit in judgment here. I am convinced it's not Susan or whatever her name isn't. And now Malika Hu, not only do I not believe it's him I sort of want to get on it with him because he sounds fun where's that guy that you can't pronounce his name he's shitting over there hey but not a bin he's not an animal there's one thing yeah that doesn't

add up oh go on Adam he's always so suspicious. So, as we said on Monday, and I'm sorry to keep repeating stuff, but I think it's important we go into extreme detail with stuff like this. You do. The next morning, it's just been referenced there as well,

Malarkey just got up and went home sort of as quick as he could because in his head he was guilt free and he just left as you normally would. Sounds guilty though. We're supposed to believe that Sam stayed around in order to be like,

I obviously didn't shit in the bin because I'm staying around. If I'd shit in the bin, I'd have got away as quick as I possibly could, wouldn't I? But, he could be so drunk he forgot.

No, you don't forget shitting in a bin. No. You don't. Here's the problem. If Sam or whoever did thisitting in a bin. No. You don't. Here's the problem. If Sam or whoever did this shits in the bin, we've been led to believe by the evidence that there's no toilet paper, which means they didn't wipe their arse.

Right. That's going to smell a bit. Would you stay around for an extended period of time risking being caught with the smell of a shitty ass i don't think you would this episode's been graphic um i don't think if you're sam and you've woke up in the middle of the night shit in a bin no no hang on hang on hang on hang on like doesn't mean that Sam didn't wake up in the morning feeling rough and be like, oh my God, and then go in the light of day with the lights on

and find the toilet and then, you know, cleanse himself. Let's keep it gentle mentally. He's not sat around with the... The two lads were still asleep. Right. Yeah, and then Sam... The person who woke up first was the wife, and she found the shit.

Yeah. So no one's got up and wiped their arse after. No, no, I mean, he could have... Because Malachi's gone, hasn't he? Just scarpered. Sam, you're assuming that Sam's just sat there not doing anything. He could have been to the loo in that time.

I'm just saying we need to speak to Sam. in that time. I'm just saying we need to speak to Sam. We are one star witness away from cracking this case. Chicago last, I hope. Ideally, if Sam, if you've listened to the first one and you've now listened to this, I imagine John and his wife are begging you to listen to these and try and come forward. We want some evidence from you lad.

Or despite there being a little bit of doubt from me because of what I've just said and I still don't fucking 100% believe that the wife didn't do it. I think we'd have to convict you and you would be forever known as the

shitter. I think he's got to speak he's got to speak up he's got to contact us and if he doesn't it's just going to look a bit suspicious innit ok I'm happy with that I don't want to think about anyone else's bum for a bit cool

do you want a song that's been an epic one that hour and 40. Boom. Welcome forward to a long weekend now, and I'll see you on Monday. The song we've got is called Look What You've... What was that? What?

Looking forward to a nice weekend. Go on. Sorry. Just thought you went really camp at the end. What's wrong with that I'm expressing my sexuality and you need to get on board with that and stop being such a hameth herb absolute fucking sugar

I still haven't had any sugar it's fucking doing me song look what you've made it's by Raptor Warhurst who we've featured before absolute banging rapper, Grime Artist,

whatever you want to call it, from Manchester. He's dead sound as well. Great battle rapper. Go and check his rap battles out on YouTube. Raptor Warhurst is his name. The song is called

Look What You've Made. It's a fucking banger. I had it on before. All of his socials are Raptor Warhurst. That's R-A-P-T-O-R-W-A-R-H-U-R-S-T. Go check him out. This is a banging tune.

We'll see you all on Monday. Have a good weekend. We love y'all. We love y'all. Bye. Peace. Y'all Look Though we don't talk much We find the act to communicate

And I guess it's my fault Cause I should've been there for you from day You've seen the mistakes I made It's a struggle to make it through the pain So why the fuck would you go and do the same? Look, I understand what you've been through in such a short life But understand that shit can change in such a small time My mother is worried sick, looking sick

Cause she sits up all night Waiting for the dreaded knock at the door And trip to the bar I feel guilty about this What kind of brother was I? My bad examples were said But that life is fucked up as mine You watched me suffer in silence

And put all it all up inside Then I took myself from the wrong path But I left you drudging behind It's deep, now when I see you It's me, a 15 years old Always smoking weed on the streets Always bringing police to our home I know, the shit you seen

Planted seeds, I see that they've grown Now before they turn into trees I've gotta read what I've sown It's cold, my mother suffers Cause drugs corrupted her baby And even though she keeps her smile, I know deep inside that she blames me Cause that's the style of life that I glamorized and it changed him Now she cries inside this wine and was drinking wine on her daily

It's fucking driving her crazy to rid herself of the stress She's killing herself, literally drinking herself to death She got minimal health, plus she is digging herself And there ain't no forgiving yourself There ain't no forgiving you when she's dead, yes Yo, I know over the years we separated And I made it feel like you can't talk to me as well But come on, I'm always there

And you sat by that example, man Choosing to trade a wrong path And then my fistfuls just can't stop You know, you see's a bad example, man Choosing to play the rock Happening, man This post just can't stop You know, you see what happened to me, man Is that what you really want? You know what it's gonna lead to, man Come Come rap with me, I'll show you

Rap with me, bro God in the world. Yo, yo, look, I was your rage once, I didn't wanna listen, even where every single weekend Always coughing in the midst of meetings, churning with a split of weed, sniffing keys And drinking liters of the liquor weed that's thrown down the road at Jim's Convenience And you fall in two Maybe it's the shit you see and maybe disobedience And many of the different reasons we were so close I didn't know a gun in between us, we grew apart So we grew kinda distant even when I said I hate you in a disagreement

I'm just wantin' you, I know I really didn't mean it I was out of order and I'm sorry for the inconvenience But you know my stubbornness will win against my inner feelings I was never there, give you shit you needed Never took you trick-or-treating as a campus sweetest Never there, inner feelings I was never there to give you shit you needed Never took you trick or treating as a kid for sweetest Never there to intervene and try and give you speeches Come provide the missing pieces of the links you need Now I'ma change mine, so now you gotta change Cause life's too short, it's the Freud down the drain

There's only 12 months in a year, 7 days in a week And 24 hours in a day, and you're running out of time Running out of space, mother's getting old and she's running out of days So why don't you go and put flowers in her hands? Before you're putting flowers on the grave, yeah cause I'm a changed man So now you gotta change, cause life's too short, let's defraud down the drain There's only 12 months in a year, 7 days in a week And 24 hours in a day and you're running out of time Running out of space, mother's getting old and she's running out of days

So why don't you go to put flowers in her hands Before you're putting flowers on the grave Cause you're running out of time, running out of space Muv is getting old and she's running out of days So I know you're going to put flowers in her hands Before you're putting flowers on the grave Cause you're running out of time, running out of space Muv is getting old and she's running out of days

So I know you're going to put flowers in hands, before you're putting flowers on the grave, hey.