Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #59 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

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Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Follow us on social media at Have A Word Pod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash Have A Word Pod. They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game.

Don't be a Tory. Down your turbo shandy and tell a friend. This is Have a Word. hey strong start strong adam i tell you this mate i know the listeners can't hear that can't see this but fuck me i feel more bald right now than i've felt for a while and you look fucking hairier than i've ever seen you looking because basically what you can't you don't know is we're not doing the uh we're not doing the video today we're not even trying there's loads going on tech wise it's a ball lake but that's fine missing means we can just press record without having to worry about what we look like. So I've just gone,

do you know what? I'm not sticking a fucking hat on. And I'm wearing my driving glasses. So I look fully 15 years older and about 40, 50% more paedophilic. Adam looks at least 80% more yeti. It's bare, mate. He is, you. It is.

You're bare hairy. You know what you're trying to lose weight? I think even if you had a haircut, that'd be about a stone and a half. Because you look like you're carrying fucking... I'm going to be going around to some fucking kid's house later to tell them he's a wizard, kid. You know, wizard lads. Get to our girls.

I'm a victim. I feel spiky man I've just had to have a little quiet word outside I've just had to calm down it's getting fucking it's pretty much just a combination of things

just had too much caffeine this morning and I've been trying to do some jobs and then obviously with the podcast you as soon as we're recording it's just a fucking laugh we're just talking shit but the prep you're like fuck i want to get this right i want to get that right and then i've got my daughter like and i love it a bit but she's a little ball bag and she's learned that if she says sorry then in her head she's like you about to say sorry

so it's actually more annoying than when she was just being a dick you know like she pushes him as long as she just says sorry and then it pisses me off it's the way she like furrows her brow and she's like daddy I said sorry

what why you angry I said sorry. What? Why are you angry? I said sorry. So I think what you mean to say now, Judge Daddy, is time served. Fine. Don't watch the little bowl of cornflakes. Etta, Etta, Etta, watch the little bowl of cornflakes.

Darling, they're at the edge of your table. Don't knock them over. Don't knock them. You fucking knocked them over. You knocked them over. What did I say? And then she's like, sorry, daddy. And I'm like, yeah, but that doesn't... I've literally five warnings up until the point.

And then she's like, oh, mom and daddy shouted and I said sorry. I'm like, oh my God. Yeah, I'm on S's side because I still behave like that with Jade. I said sorry. P.S. A sorry from certain people counts for shit. An apology from a toddler, a psychopath, a murderer, it's not, like, an apology only counts. Like, a proud man, like, someone who is usually like emotionally unavailable and

and cool and blocked if they go do you know what i can't believe what i was like as a as a father when you were growing up and i'm so sorry you'd be like wow that's a big sorry from a toddler they're like mate does that get me sweeties i'll say fucking sorry 97 times i'll say it in different voices sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry fucking mate i very very rarely think i'm in the wrong so i only say sorry when i want jade to stop talking for a bit you know what i mean when she's just like walking at you drilling you why did you do this? Why did you do that? I'm like, babe, I swear to God, I'm so sorry.

Because I know if I say that, like in a day or two, I'm not going to care about this argument. So I'm like, look, I think I'm right. But let's just pretend I don't say I'm sorry. And then this problem will go away. I'm such a person for fixing an immediate problem and not realizing that she's banking this long term

for the fucking criminal case against me. And in two years, she'll go, well, actually, two years ago, you said sorry for this. And if you were sorry for this, you wouldn't have done that yesterday. I mean, to say women do this and men do this, I mean, there are some snivelly little fucking emotionally manipulative sods out there.

But women, not all women but some women are like literally like high level prosecutors like QCs for just being like oh they let you go down the lane and then fuck you right at the end like with all your own words like oh okay just to check

is that what you said? is that what you think? well let me, and i've printed it out i've printed out the phone conversations let me just talk you through yes it's from november 2017 brutal arguing with jade is like arguing with a crown prosecutor who is also the judge jesus christ she says something and i'm like i'm not a minute objection no that's bullshit over real dickhead sit the fuck back down this is why it's admissible adam adam arguing with his missus is like a black man trying to represent himself in alabama in 1962 uh listen you might be articulate and you might think you've got right on your side, but you're not in a good position here, Adam, bro.

Should have taken counsel, motherfucker. Oh, God. I'll tell you what, Laura. And here's another reason I'm fucking jazzed. Came in the studio about an hour or so ago. It was like, you know, if we were in prison in prison i'd be like the gauntlet's been thrown down someone wants to fight me she just i walked in the studio a yard into this is my room as well i paid for this fucking house this is my one we've talked about it before the artwork the studio

also my studio now is in such a good state i've've really, in the last three or four days, I've got it exactly where I want it. After so much movement and everything, I'm very proud of it and it's clean. Her knickers just on the floor. Gusset up. And then... Is there any discharge?

Oh, God, Adam. Order! Order! Order! It was the only discharge. God god I hope she misses this episode a yard a fucking a yard I've watched too much American football Laura if you're going to be leaving your knickers everywhere Gail clean your minge

fucking scruffy bitch and then a meter in front of it, on my purple rug, her not purple rug, she's trimmed her piobs in my studio. I do.

This is a fucking long-standing argument between me and Jade on a very similar thing. I'll tell you about... Piobs? In my studio. Dan, do you know if I shave my beard, right? Now, I don't know

how long the longest you've ever let your beard grow to, but look at this now. This is about a third of the way to where it got last time before I trimmed it off. Right? Got a bit manny. If you shave a beard like this in your bathroom, Yeah. Right? White porcelain.

Yeah. So you initially have to use an electric razor to get it down to a decent level that you want it and then you use a Bic to sort of trim the edges off and make it all, make you look like a Turkish hairdresser. You know what I mean? You trim it together with your proper Bics, right?

When you do that... I don't know if you... Sorry, it's so annoying to be interrupted. I'm only laughing because as soon as you said Turkish, I was surprised there was any other words after that because it makes you look Turkish. And then you said hairdresser. I was like, oh, shit, I didn't think you were saying hairdresser.

You just look fucking dead turkey. No, but have you not been to my... No, I know, I know, mate. ...barbers and stuff, and they look like they've done their fucking beard with a fucking trigonometry set. I got so many. I got literally the designs. I like thunder, so I put it in my beard.

All right, you Persian douchebag. Irish barbers are the only people who know what the triangles are for in a math set that you used to get for school. Ahmed, Ahmed, you need to concentrate on trigonometry. But why? I don't know when I'd use it in real world. I thought being a barber in Merseyside, you fucking idiot.

Always concentrate, Ahmed. I think that stood. I think that stood that. As soon as I finished it, I was like, is that? I'm doing a little dodgy check. I think that's valid. Carry on.

You could literally sing the old theme tune to the Mbongo adverts, and I wouldn't bat an eyelid on this podcast anymore. Like, this podcast contains accents however we deem them fit. That's just part of our MO. It's never going to change. If you trim a beard like this in a bathroom

with a lot of white porcelain around, the hair gets, and I mean this literally, fucking everywhere. Everywhere, right? Now, when I do that, if Jade goes in that bathroom and she finds even one fucking stray hair right on the rim of something like you haven't fucking cleaned it properly i'm like babe it's nigh on impossible to notice every fucking hair in the fucking bathroom if there's a few

just either wipe them up or ignore them and i'll find them eventually but it's a nightmare trying to get every single fucking one when you've got a beard like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, you're a fucking... She's got black hair, dark hair. Yeah. Do you know what she does?

Do you know when she shaves her rat? Do you know when she's in the shower and she shaves her rat? There's a rat in the bathroom more times than you're going to do. She bangs her razor on the wall of the shower to get the hair off. Jar! I'm sick of it, nasty bitch! The rat hair stays there. hair razor on the wall of the shower to get the hair off.

The rat hair stays there. Fuck me, Adam. There's minge hair on the wall of my fucking shower right now. There's piobs on the porcelain. There's piobs on the porcelain. There's piobs on the porcelain. That is that is a fucking red card offense

mate that's not even yellow card that's it that is a get out of the house you need 24 hours you need to that is mate laura and i don't want to to, I'm getting close to the, Scott Bennett does a bit about how his wife and his wife Gemma and my wife have got similar like long brunette hair, brown hair. And they're a similar age. And he's like, it's like a fucking, like a Dalmatian is like, just left. What do they call it when dogs molt? Like a molten Dalmatian has been washed. And Laura does this when her hair comes out because she's old. She's getting old.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. She forgets where her knickers are. She forgets to fucking clean up her pee abs. Right. She, as the hair's coming out, she's like, oh, God. And she just, she sort of like palms it onto the wall of the bathroom

right that right so she's got a fucking thick mane like your your beard on my wife's head

that level of thick and sometimes if anything comes out she just there's always like fucking hair she's murdered my last hoover she had to's always like fucking hair she's murdered my last hoover

she had to buy the new hoover she paid for the new hoover because every time it's like god the the motor smells like it's burning

a little bit let me have a look under it oh that's right your fucking horrible big thick hairs in it right she leaves it on the wall

and that is minging and it's less offensive than piobs from the razor bashed against white port. That's I'm on Jade's side a lot. Not today sir.

That's disgusting. Hair thing with women like if I like get a shave of like maybe me me nether region in the bath or something she's always like try and wipe the cubes up so that they don't go down the sink think we don't want the plug hole getting blocked. I'm like, are you fucking messing? I pulled a fucking dog out the plug hole last week made of your hair.

It's fucking enormous. Yeah, behave. Mate, never talk about hair in the plug hole. Ladies! There's not. I, that is, being bald's hard work. Being a fucking shiny pink head bellend is hard work. What did Roger Munkaus say?

You look like a thumb. It's not easy. I look like a thumb. Yeah, I look like a thumb. Right. Shout out to Roger Munkaus. But one of the advantages is you always have the shiny moral high ground when it's like, oh, there's hair in there you're like

not fucking mine though is it mate it's not mine anyway i'm gonna have to hoover up piobs post fucking oh by the way oh oh i'm fucking picking up so many of your little bits oh laura's got rat. First time she heard it, she was dead against it. She's now using that all the time. You rat. She does it in a Scouse accent as well, which I love. When you said Laura's got rat,

because of the context of the conversation we've just had, I thought you were saying she had a hairy fanny. It's a beefcake Lord has got fucking wrath Anyone who listens to this podcast knows I love my wife She's as good as it's going to get If she fucks me off or dies It's not going to be better

Like it might be younger And more East European But it's not going to be This is me peaking I know Listen I know. Listen. I know this is as good as it gets, but I would love, for the sake of medical science, to see how hairy she could get.

I think she could get... You know, like Adam's talking about, oh, it's fucking hairy. I think she'd look like Adam Rowe with bigger tits. Can I... Can I tell you adam you i sort of jokingly said on two vegan idiots that we were on last week that you would sort of you dodged doing this saturday live stream show at hot water and i was joking like yeah because adam's clever but in my head i was like love hot water and i know you

do too like you and hot Water go hand in hand. They've been absolutely there for every step of your career. There's basically Paul Smith, you, and then everyone else. Yeah. Yeah, and it's true, isn't it? It's true, isn't it? Because there's some of the old boys that started out with Hot Water that have not progressed.

They've got amazing, as you and Paul have got amazing. Paul's chosen to marry himself to them completely. You've chose to try and push, be in a national comic, whatever, international comic. Paul's, but then there's a load of other comics like we've talked about.

Danny Mac and Freddie, you know, and then me. I think I'm a little down the list, but me. So they obviously went to Adam, went to Paul, and I think both Paul and Adam

quite rightly went. Yeah, this live stream from the club gig, I'm into it. I just want to I'll see how it goes. Good luck. Let's see how it goes. So just before you tell the story, because I don't think many of our listeners will have listened

to the podcast where we explained what this was. So when we say a live stream from hot water, they're literally now bringing comedians down on a Saturday night to perform on their stage with no audience in the room but a few screens on the front row with people watching via Zoom. Basically, three people from the club, two owners, one tech guy, three comedians, everyone socially distanced.

Mate, I got there. It's fascinating, and I tell you this, before we get to the end of the Mate, I got there. It's fascinating. And I tell you this, before we get to the end of the story, it went wrong. It did go wrong. Because I know there's people who will be subscribers

to the Hot Water subscription service that were watching on Saturday night and were disappointed. And I partly, I got a few tweets about it. So it did go wrong. And I'll tell you this, it will go right because the guys that run Hot Water, Paul and Binti

and everyone involved, they may take a little bump in the road, but they will figure it the fuck out. Because in terms of like innovation in the industry, they are head and shoulders above everyone else. But Saturday, it went weird. But I tell you what, they really were doing social distancing. I got there and I took the opportunity to drive fuck me that felt good adam i'm telling you right now it didn't work out someone went oh my mate i told my mate about it because he was fascinated my mate ben who we talked about before and he was like oh were you annoyed that it went wrong? I was like, mate, I was ecstatic to get in the car

and drive to another place. And what was weird was Liverpool was dead. And because you've talked so much about how Liverpool as a city sort of disfranchised from the government, I was like, is Liverpool going to have a few people? Fuck me, that is a quiet city centre. People are taking this lockdown seriously is a quiet city centre. People are taking this lockdown seriously.

Liverpool city centre's doing it. And got there, and Binti was like... I'll tell you why. Go on. Just let me... I'll tell you why Liverpool are taking it very seriously. And there's a few people, you know, knocking about. There's now kids, like, in the village by mine, there's kids knocking around on bikes.

Right, right, right. I think people are getting a little bit to the end of the tether with their kids and go, oh, fuck off, go on out with your mates. But I tell you who the most important people in the world are to Scousers. They're nans. Yeah.

Scouse nans are the fucking gods of this city. And what we've been told is if you go out and about, you're going to kill your nan. And if you kill someone's nan in Liverpool, you better fucking, you better find a bunker because someone's going to come and stab your head in, kid. Don't kill me fucking

Scouse nan. So, I don't know if you've ever seen Scouse Taken. It's probably not available on Netflix, but Scouse Taken is very different. They're like, you have my nan. You have my nan. Why is he still not an Irish? I don't know. I could try to do Liam. He's got my nan. You have my nan. Why is he still not in Irish? I don't know.

I could try to do Liam. He's got my nan. Listen, if you give me a back without coughing on it, I'll leave you alone. I'll leave you alone. It'll end here. No problem. Don't even need to know your name, and I'll delete your number.

However, kid, if you do not give me my number i will find you what we do i will get on my motorbike i will wheel you through your front door and i'll bum your fucking head in kid i have a very special set of worth as original no because liam neeson's still in scouse Taken. He just gets his nanny. He just gets his nan taken. Liam Neeson's got... This is a fact. Liam Neeson's nan lives in fucking Norris Green. She's a knocky dog.

I have a very specific set of Werther's Originals. But yeah, it was quiet. I got to the club and Binti was like, right, everyone's got their own toilet. Mate, that was what was weird about Saturday Night. The club was empty. There's a tech guy, Binti and Paul, fucking Danny Mac waddling around,

Freddie Quinn not knowing how to whisper, and then fucking Binti going, you've got your own toilet now if you know hot water you will love hot water but i tell you this you never feel like you've got more than eight centimeters personal space the atmosphere is banging it's because everyone's jammed in there in the dressing room you're jammed in there that getting in if you've got a walk past a go you and then i'm there covid 19 rules are like yeah you've got your own toilet it's through there it's the it's the disabled at the side of the bar like nice one

and then in the end danny mack compared it and fucking valiantly by the way because there was technical issues and then mick ferry went on and it was tricky it It was like watching your favourite footballer have a kick around, but he's basically wearing stilettos. It was like watching, so yeah, he's a Premier League footballer, McFerry, but he's not as good if he's not wearing football boots, if he's wearing stilettos.

It looked like he was trying to run down the wing in a pair of four inches. And in the end, the tech went wrong and they called it which was kind of a sweet relief but i just wanted to get it out there the a uh anyone who was listening because they've heard me talking about it whatever from the podcast it will happen again and i trust that hot water will sort it the fuck out. And I knew that as soon as it went wrong, I was like, right, they'll put this down to experience and they'll fix it and they'll be back.

And also I drove away, even though I'd enjoyed it going fucking row. Absolutely. But it was, it was, it was slightly more annoying to be driving away. Fucking Adam saw this coming, called it and

didn't want anything to do with it I didn't see that coming like that's not why I said no the reason I said no is I don't want to do any gig to no audience even if there's an audience on a fucking screen

in front of me it's just not the same and I just don't see the point in doing it. I don't need to do it. I've got a stand-up special coming out which people are going to enjoy. You're working your nuts off, aren't you?

So I don't know what could possibly be achieved by me going on stage with no audience. I don't know what could possibly be achieved by me going on stage with no audience and trying, I don't know what I'm, what I'm hoping to achieve for me. No,

you know, you've got options. You've got options because we've got this as an outlet. And because of the amazing support of not just the patrons, but the sponsors and everyone who's backed this podcast, we've got financial options. But a part of me is like hot water have always been good to me and i just saw and maybe i was like maybe i'll get paid a little bit in my head i'm

like just to get that revenue coming and on reflection you were right because i watch mick and genuinely he is premier league football standard on the circuit and that was it was tricky watching it and he like he did great and he is fucking amazing but it is very difficult playing to a zoom meeting yeah it's it's just not for me and i i i commend every comic who's doing it like the analogy i used earlier on in the podcast series i think was in episode three or something was um it's rugby to me i don don't understand it, but I don't, and I'm not getting involved, but other people can crack on.

Like, it's just not for me. I'm willing to wait because I've got this and I've got a couple of other things that I've been working on that are going to come out and I don't really, I miss comedy more than anything in the world.

It's killing me not being able to do it. And I fuck, there's some days where I'm down as fuck, but I don't think any of those zoom gigs are going to make me any less down. No, it's basically like having your missus go to prison and be like, she's the love of my life. And I love her so much.

And then being like, but I don't want to go and visit her and have to touch her hand through a fucking plastic screen like that it's you want your girlfriend back but the halfway can actually be more fucking traumatic like this is kind of worse because you can't do what you want you can't you know like it's not what you want to really do because Because like comedy, when you perform comedy, it has a similar effect on your brain that drugs do because you get an immediate serotonin rush.

There's nothing quite that can mimic 200 people. Oh, totally. Especially if you do comedy on drugs, that really fucking up to you. Oh, who's drinking? Sorry,

go. It's like, how about a quit heroin cold turkey and now people are going, do you want to come down here and do some fucking rush? We've got some poppers, lad. Do you want to come do some poppers? It'll get you over your heroin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cold turkey. I'm like, no, it's not the fucking same. Good cocaine and spice is not the fucking same. Yeah. And you, yeah, and that's the thing is you're very, like Freddie said something when we were there. He was like, hey, just live streaming.

Does it work? And Danny Mac was like, yeah, it does. It can work. People are proving that it can work. And I think hot water will prove that it works. But like anything, good comedy live is good. Really good comedy streamed might be quite good. But the reason people think, oh, God, a lot of these live streams haven't worked

is because there's fucking numpties doing it. There's numpties doing the live streams. And I've seen some of these comics in clubs where everything's banging and then 10 minutes into their set you're like what is going on here the fucking wheels are falling off the wrong people are doing it a lot of the time and it's not a good representation of uh of what's going on but i drove away from liverpool a deathly quiet liverpool i didn't even think of like people's nans i was just like fuck if if Liverpool are doing this lockdown, nevermind about stay alert,

whatever. I honestly thought things would be lively there. It was deathly quiet. And I just drove away going, fuck me, Adam was bang on. Mate, people have been asking what we think about the old Dominic Cummings situation.

What Dominic Cummings situation? Oh, you're not been checking it. All right, we'll have a word from Trans Alloys. Adam's been reading Enid Blyton novels anyway. There's a rat in number 10. What are you going to do? What's quite interesting is we're sort of going to talk about it briefly, I suppose, and then by the time this podcast comes out,

he will have done this speech. He's doing a speech today, isn't he? He's given a statement from down on the streets, and he's answering questions from the press. Yeah, definitely. By the time people listen to it, that's not happened yet, and this will be out shortly. By the time people are listening,

it might have been a day or two ago, but yeah, you're right. Yeah, it's like... Yesterday, when I was watching that Boris Johnson press conference, I was screaming at me telly. Like, I was actually shouting at me telly like I would when I'm watching

a Liverpool game and decisions are going against us. I've never been like, I'm quite vocal. We don't massively go into politics on this podcast. We've talked about the situation, coronavirus and whatever. I hate the Conservatives and

although I do understand why some people have voted for them over the past few years I understand why people have elected them I don't agree with it and I think they're a disgusting hateful party

I think Boris Johnson's one of the worst people in the country to be in control of it I think he's a horrible cunt and I just want to make that clear Narcissist Narcissist However

I've never ever ever ever ever been as angry as I was yesterday. I was really, really, really pissed off that the prime minister of this country, his job is to control this country and get us through this

thing. And everything he did yesterday just was so fucking awful. He undermined it. He underm he undermined he undermined his own government by he totally part of leading a country is leading by example and people will not fucking put up with that hypocrisy they won't like i i think i think what's happened is they vastly underestimated how angry people are with it. I think they've gone, oh, if we just say this in a day or two, this will go away.

It's not going away. And I don't know whether you see in the front page of the Daily Mail today. The Mail are turning. The Mail are going after Boris Johnson and Cummins. And apparently there's like an old cliche in politics, which is if the Mail and the Guardian ever agree on something and you're on the other side, give up because you've already lost. Because you've got either wing of the journalistic political spectrum.

You've got the liberal left and the fucking hardline right. And if they're singing the same tune, that tune is, you're fucked, you're fucked, fuck you, you're fucked. I don't really think it matters where the Dominic Cummings goes because they'll just replace him with another fucking cunt like him. I don't think a lot will necessarily change policy-wise and going forward. However, he's got to go because if he doesn't, people, especially today when it's hot,

it's going to be fucking boiling on Wednesday. People are just going to go, well, fuck you guys. People are already doing it. There's evidence all over social media going, I just had a message from my mate saying, do I want to go around to his for a pint if they're doing it? Fuck them, we'll do the same. It's going

to happen. And unless they go, look, even if they can still stand by him sort of and go look we feel like he didn't break the rules however we understand there's a massive public perception that he did and for that reason we've decided it's time for Dominic to go

if they do that then they sort of they have their cake and he's it sort of thing that needs to happen now do you know who I feel in all of this and everyone's saying well i've not been to a funeral and i've not been to of course that i mean the the legislation and the guidelines have been put there to safeguard people and you could say well i've not seen my you know my dad or i've not seen my nana and everything but really without guidelines, you have to start taking some social responsibility at this point.

If you are vulnerable or you know vulnerable people, you need to start isolating or not seeing people. The horrific hypocrisy that Dominic Cummings is part of, he's the person that's pushing the legislation of this government. If anyone's not British or doesn't follow politics, this is the guy that orchestrated Brexit and has basically been the puppeteer that's got Boris Johnson, who is essentially a Trump-like populist politician, where he is, saying what certain factions want to hear and playing the system beautifully. Horrific. But I don't actually

feel that bad for people who are up in arms who i weirdly feel bad for the police who have to now police this shutdown and it's already a gray area of what's law and what's guideline and when you've got a key political advisor how can the police say you you don't need to be here when you're like, I'm sorry, who made this rule? What Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson, did they make that rule? And they broke it. Well,

go fuck yourself. I'm not doing it. What an awful position to put them in. Yeah. There's an article in the Telegraph today from the police commissioner or the chief, whatever saying this is going to make it impossible for us to police people now for the rest of lockdown.

I'll be honest with you. I don't want to, I've nearly tweeted this a few times, but I don't want to be demon to incite riots or be irresponsible and using me platform for anything. But I'm going to say this after what's happened over the past couple of days, if I was a businessman, if I was Paul Blair, for example, who owns Hot Water Comedy Club or the guy who owns the Glee Club or the guy who owns a barber's or the woman who owns a salon or the woman who owns a plumbing business or whatever. whose business is being negatively affected by lockdown, I would have opened. If I owned a barbershop, after yesterday I'd have gone, I've opened because by opening, I'll start earning more money,

my mental health will improve, and therefore I'll be a better father. I'm following my instincts. I'll be a better father because I won't be as worried. I'll have more money coming in. I can look after my kids properly. Go fuck yourselves. I'm following my instincts rather than rules.

If I had a business that was suffering financially from this virus, after what was said yesterday, I would open up and I would not be paying any fucking tax either on any of the money I make while these cunts are in charge. I wouldn't be doing it. Yeah, well, the second part is going to get you in prison.

But the first part, I'd honestly know, I'd love to know the legalities of that. I'd love to know how they can enforce the legalities of opening because you're like it's a crock of shit you told people to go back to work i mean i'm in like the fact that you're not in this studio right now with me when we've i've got this studio set up for us to go and like we as a podcast we want to move on but we are better when you're in the room well if we socially distance you're isolating i'm isolated we tried to do it for a couple of days and then we did the right thing and we started

doing it remotely we did that because it was the right thing because everyone was doing it and now the wheels are fucking coming off at the highest level what are we even doing like who can who can morally say that we shouldn't be in the studio together what the government is losing all credibility to lay out these rules and guidelines that already are fucking they're really contradictory that you can't go and see like you said last time that there's the easy can't go and see, like you said last time there was the easy, can't go and see your parents but I can stand on a fucking busy underground train in London and that's up to me

like what a joke what a fucking joke it's just fucking ridiculous and I've seen a few people yesterday saying oh well loads of people have broke lockdown so you can't really be complaining that Dominic Cummings has done it when there's people on the beach and all that. He made the fucking rules.

He made them. You've got to lead by example. That's a terrible argument, though, isn't it? Isn't it? Because that's basically like going, oh, well, loads of people touch kids. Yeah, but it's

definitely worse. If a judge loads of people touch kids yeah but it's definitely worse 45 kids he's only touched three if a judge like a high court judge touches kids and his argument is like a lot of people do touch kids to be fair

you're like mate you're a fucking high court judge oh my god oh Adam Adam I want you back I miss you I want you in the studio Fucking high court judge. Oh my God. Oh, Adam. Adam, I want you back. I miss you. I want you in the studio. I want to be back, son.

I can't wait for us to be back. It's going to be fucking great. I know you want to see your family. To be fair, hang on, let me qualify that. I want Adam to be able to see his family first and everything. But then one beyond that is like... And just because fucking indominate cum-cums, cum-splat, didn't...

Basically, it was because he was coming down with COVID-19 symptoms, mate. His wife was coming down with COVID. He didn't get any childcare either. He basically was like, Oh, my God, I might have to look after my fucking children. Off we go to mum and dad's. Do you know, did you think about the have a word that was sent into us by that lad who's like can you have a word with my brother this is about 15 episodes ago who was like can you have a word with my brother

who has shipped his fucking kids from london to lincolnshire so my mom who's 70 can look after them i was like i actually just had to have a little like you know like i just had to have a little moment i was like have we done this i'm from dominic cummins brother it's like i think we're fucking i think dominic cummins his brother has fucking emailed oh my god dominic cummins brother is a 10 pound patron £10 patron. This one's for you, Dominic. Ready? Listen. Upset me, nasty bitch.

Right. He better be gone by the time this podcast comes out. Listen, it's a fucking sweltering day here and I'm getting under tit sweat. I'm getting tit tears. Kiri calls them here, and I'm getting under-tit sweat. I'm getting tit tears. Kiri calls them tit tears. I'm getting boob tears. I'm going to crack the fuck on.

I'm going to dry my titties, and then we're going to have a woof-moth. Shout out to Trans Alloy Wheels. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car bodywork, and customization services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire. These guys are a well-trusted they do exceptional work if you want your wheels and bodywork jazzing up and you're anywhere in the north go and see charlie and the boys at transalo wheels they're good guys they can make your motor look better they can add value to your car they do insurance

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They've sponsored this podcast, and we want to support them. We can't go and get our cars sorted just yet. As soon as the Rona's done, I'm going. In the meantime, I'm going to follow them online. We'd love it if you could do it as well. On Facebook, they're Trans Alloy Wheels. That's all one word, Trans Alloy. All one word, wheels.

Give them a like. Give them a follow. They're on Twitter, at Trans Alloy W. Give them a like. Give them a follow. They're on Twitter at TransAlloyW. TransAlloyW. And have a look for TransAlloyWheels on Instagram. They've shown this podcast some love. Let's show them some love back. All right, back to the pod.

Your ma and da listen to have a word oh there's a rat in the kitchen what am i gonna do and do you remember when we first would talk about starting this podcast and we were initially the plan was going to do like 40 to 50 minute episodes and i was like let's aim for at least an hour we do 40 minutes on this podcast before we start the podcast. Ant, you know... An hour a week. Yeah. So no, it's right though, isn't it?

I, honestly, it's such a weird feeling pre-podcast when I feel eggy. Like I felt like, oh, God, I was like, oh, there was technical issues. We've had this, we've had that. I've got a daughter that just there's no remorse, and she keeps saying sorry, although she is three, so I need to chill out. And then it's the weirdest feeling to be like, do you know, though, that sometimes makes me better at podcasting? Like it's the weirdest thing. It's almost like a fighter being like, do you know though, that sometimes makes me better at podcasting?

It's the weirdest thing. It's almost like a fighter being like, don't fucking poke him in the eye. Oh no, do it. Gets him really angry. And I was like, before the podcast I was a little bit worried. I was like, maybe I won't be on good form here. Oh no, 38 minutes of just waffling. Before I go any further, the merch website is going to be hopefully launched on Friday. Now I'm saying it now because I've nearly got the merch website finished. I'm doing this.

Uh, Adam's got an absolute fuck ton on, so I'm sorting it out. Now you'd be like, well, why are you saying that you're launching it without launching it? Well, I'm nearly there with it, and I want to say it's launching on Friday because if I say that it's launching on Friday, I've got to have it ready by Friday. So it's given me what I don't think a lot of comedians have for anything. And what the podcast has given us is like, you've got to be ready to do this by then.

And we said 7 p.m. for the release, and that's done me a lot of good. So I'm saying, when Friday's episode is released, I'm hopefully, in fact, almost definitely going to be announcing the merch website, which we're really excited about. And it's going to be really good. So far, it looks good. Now, we have twatted on for so long that I'm going to cut out the little bits of waffle that I was planning to do.

Because prepping an episode, we do little bits and bots. And sometimes I throw some stuff in the prep and I'm like, oh, that'll be all right, but we'll build to that. But I'm going to go... And come up in part three today is fucking part three of the bin-shitting mystery. Also, we know that we've got the bin-shitting mystery to deal with, which, to be fair, has been like fucking Ozark levels of intrigue. Claire, from Ponty, if you're not from the UK or even the North, because I'm sure Southerners don't know what Ponty is.

Fucking Ponty Fract. Hard as fucking nails. Claire from Ponty asks, what would the lids give up to cure the rona? Adam, would you give up lamb, before you answer? Dave, still. Dave, would you give up turbo shandies so to cure the rona now i mean this is a fucking stupid question right but listen adam i like the thought process so answer claire's and then she set me off. I've got a few.

Would you do this to cure the roners? I have run with it. Right, so. So lamb, yeah, of course. Of course. I can live without lamb. Of course I can. There's beef, there's chicken, there's pork.

I'll be fine. No, but it is your favourite meat though, isn't it? It is, but it's not the one I have most often. Is it your little treat meat? favourite meat though, isn't it? It is, but it's not the one I have most often. So, is it your little treat? Is it your little treat meat? Yeah, it is actually.

Yeah. Chicken's my most common. I'm probably beef second. Then lamb and pork probably a similar amount. Yeah. Kentucky fried lamb is not right.

Maybe pork even more if you include bacon and ham. Yeah. And also, I would give up to the boshandis because P.S. I hadn't drunk one since 2001

until about a month and a half ago but I'd say this right now I'm drinking quite a few I think if people are going to send in questions like this they need to do what I imagine you've done and take it too far

and make it difficult like would I give up Jade or my dad or my little brother right so I knew that was too tame but Claire listen shout out also Harry Robinson and Harry Richardson independently and I will in future episodes come there are some people like Chris Townsend based Jedi like we've had so many there are some people like chris townsend base jedi like we've had so many emails recently where people like nigel stapleton in brisbane they are genuinely they're not just asking questions they're this they're suggesting content and i i can't tell you how much i appreciate it because i don't think they're just going oh I want to know the answer to this. I think they're thinking like, oh, this will be a good idea for a bit.

So, Claire, although I feel as instantly as soon as I read it, I was like, it's too easy. But I was like, I like the idea. So, added. Now, to end the shutdown tomorrow, it just ends. The cure is like, it's gone. COVID-19 is gone.

Yeah. However, however you, where's my lot? There's my camera. Yeah. You don't take credit for it. So you don't get to be the fucking hero.

This is a private, this is private sacrifice. So it's not like, oh yeah, did you hear? The shutdown's over. COVID's cured. Who did it? This fucking hairy little yeti from fucking West Abbey. Where's West Abbey?

Although it'd be great for Manchester to celebrate you. That'd be brilliant. I'd love it. It'd be great to just for Manchester to celebrate you that'd be brilliant I'd love it it'd be so good like the whole world was like oh my god everywhere in Iraq in fucking oh my god a covered mountain has gone forever and he's probably related to us like second generation fucking

Muslim in Manchester they'd be like yeah he's alright he's alright I mean he's a bit be like, yeah, he's all right. He's all right. I mean, he's a bit of a cunt, but he's a sound cunt, do you know what I mean? So it's secretly,

can't take the credit, to cure COVID-19 to mozzies. Would you? That's what I'm opening with. Lose a limb. Chuck? No. Adam?

No. Adam? No. Come on. No no what are you doing with your left sometimes when i'm hung over i use it to have a wank and give it an away day so it feels like listen kofi 19 could kill hundreds of thousands more you can't you can't. You can't. Look, I dislocated my shoulder once and Jade had to help me wash me back. I'm not losing a fucking limb. Clean? No. Honestly, you get knocked out. I don't know how they do it. I'd rather lose so many nannas than lose my left arm. Not happening. You

fucking rat! Fuck your nan. Fuck my nan who's already dead. Fuck everyone else's nan i want my limbs not a fucking chance i'm too selfish you're asking the wrong fucking person you know do you know i'm not joking i thought about as i wrote it down i was like you've started strong there which limb would you go if you had to if the if the would you, if it had to be one of the limbs, you haven't got a choice,

it would be left arm, wouldn't it? Yeah, if it had to, then it'd be left arm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's the most expendable. But I don't want to lose it. Mate, a left arm is like a left back. You can find one, can't you? Left back?

I don't know. I always feel like the fucking idiots. Left back? At football, the morons are always put on left back a left back I can't believe you wouldn't lose a fucking limb would you not? would you?

mate stand up I've been pretty decent at stand up for a fucking while if I had one arm do you imagine what I'd have fucking done? It'd be Adam Hills,

Josh Whittaker, and Dan Nightingale on that fucking TV show. No, I want all me limbs. Would you, to end Forkchovet, only be able to be, you can't be a stand-up anymore,

just spoken word. You can still do stand-up, you can still gig, but you're only able to be a musical comedian. You're only ever allowed to gig again as a comic, but you've got to have an instrument you've got to be a musical comedian adam rowe i've got a funny song

i wrote it all night long my name is adam rowe and i love comedy listen to my jokes and shoot me in the face Hold on! I've had an idea! Has anyone ever noticed that cock and sock rhyme? No? Okay, we're going to do some ad-lib. Adam Rowe, musical comedian, loves an ad-lib. Give me a job, pedo. That's not a job!

Right, sorry no go on yeah there's no to cure to cure fucking covid to cure covid i would not do that you're a fucking selfish little lid aren't you get a ukulele and talk about victoria's secret to song no absolutely not i don't like fat people no i'm really surprised by that adam i don't think you're thinking strong enough about thinking strong enough that's awful use of words. Would you, to end COVID-19 right now, be an Everton steward for 10 years? You'd have to be an Everton FC,

go to Goodison, or wherever the new stadium isn't going to be, for 10 years. You can't fucking gig. You can't be like, I've got to gig it. You've got to to be for 10 years you can't fucking gig you can't be like I've got to gig you've got to do it for 10 years no I'd rather lose a limb and have to become a musical comedian at the same time than do that don't be fucking stupid

no Adam when you're like oh I really want to gig again all you have to do is put on your fucking luminous jacket for 10 years and go down Goodison for 10 years you don't have to do is put on your fucking luminous jacket and go down Goodison you don't have to look you don't have to look for 10 years, I'm not allowed to gig

for 10 years sorry, sorry, sorry caveat, it's not even a caveat I've not explained it fully you can still be a stand up, you can do everything about your life but every Everton home game you have to be there being a steward. So you can live your totally normal life from tomorrow,

but you have to be there at Goodison with the fucking steward thing. Listening to Zed Cars. Could you do it? Oh, he's thinking. I've got him thinking. Two years, I could do it. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ten years.

No. No? Two years I could do it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Ten years. No. No. I'm not giving up every single other Saturday for ten years. It'll be over in a few months anyway. I'd rather just wait it out now. Just listen to this, listeners. Well, I really feel the next one.

Who's beeping? Is that Jade? What's Jade saying? Is that your plumber? Wednesday afternoon, she's coming to do the plum. Look at you with your female plumber. Sounds like a really weird reverse porno doesn't it hey I've come to fix your piping

I've got some fucking piping that needs fixed you know what's disgusting about me do you know when I was driving to let it in the other day that crossed my mind I was driving back from dropping me missus off at the fucking B&M thinking what if the plumber wants to shag me? Oh, yeah.

You. You at your fucking lockdown hairiest. Hair with a big ratchet. Fucking hell, lads. You need... Oh, Jesus. These pipes need easing off. I'm going to bleed your fucking radiator.

Your ceiling's not the only thing that's driven. Do you know, that is one of the best things about being a man. Even though, you know, you know when you catch yourself in the fucking mirror of an H&M dressing room, you're like, you're a fucking state. But there's still those moments. There's still those moments when you're like, you fucking sexy bastard. You're like, in your head, you're like, no, but they do want to fuck. They want to fuck.

I literally got so badly out of breath, out of breath, trying to change, trying to fucking tie up the shoelaces on my shoes this morning. I had to have a break by lying down on the bed. I was incapacitated by tying shoelaces. But honestly, I catch myself thinking, yeah,

still looking good though, done. A female plumber's going to be like, do you know, this is probably against all ethics within the industry. But I want to fork it and soak your paper.

Final one. Because, I'll be honest, there's another one, but you're not going to go for it. No, we'll do both. Just leave Liverpool forever.'re not gonna do it he's fucking not gonna do it he's not gonna live in fuck

he's not gonna live in Wigan to kill look he he won't even lose a fucking limb can I get a visa for America

because if I had moved to New York I might consider that because I'm moving to New York because I've got problems with my sleep and we're not the same and I will wear that on my...

Fucking wombats, lad. Do you know what? I haven't thought about that song for... My cousins and the wombats. Fuck off. My cousin's the lead singer of the wombats. Shut the fuck up, you hairy, sexy twat. Boss, innit?

Is he really? Yeah. I never knew I was a technofan. Right, okay. I love the Wombats. I haven't thought about the Wombats for ages. Nah, you're not leaving Liverpool. You wouldn't, would you?

You wouldn't leave Liverpool, would you? Look, I'm Matty Murphy. He's what was happy to move to New York, and so am I. Do you know something that is so alien to me when we talk? Because when I was growing up in Preston, all me and my mates, Alistair,

Sean and Bondi, all we used to do is talk about where we were going and where we were. We were out and we knew we were out. And as soon as we could get out, we were gone. And I sort of it's alien to me but like

the way you talk about Liverpool almost makes me like there's like a weird pine in yeah it's not it's just a strange

that hometown pride like Danny Mac's got it with Chester but I get it with Chester because I've moved here I love Chester but it's weird to see someone

who grew up somewhere and goes I fucking love it of course I'm not leaving it's the fucking best yeah yeah I just

I love everything about it no it's just an amazing good city full of mainly good people and a few fucking rats who try and ruin it for us

I wonder what I wonder what you your exact character traits would be like if you grew up somewhere like Preston, which is a lot smaller. It's just a very different town. I wonder if your characteristics would be like, no, I fucking love Preston,

or if it's actually what Liverpool is that makes you love it, or if it's your tendencies to just love where you're from. No, I think it's Liverpool. I think it's the fact that it's Liverpool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the last one? Last one. To end the shutdown tomorrow, cure COVID,

would you bum a dog? Not, hey, not mini. That's too far. But a really clean dog. Not even a small dog where you're like, this is going to work. Like a big dog where you're like... I don't get the credit, do I?

No one knows this has happened. Oh, it's a secret. Bumming. So no one knows apart from me and the dog. Is that what you're telling me? This is how I live. This is how I live. Go in.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a secret, dog bum. It's my job. It's my job. It's my job. Do you ever see those moments every now and then where you realize how fucking insane it is do you know when the bit for me was with this when i was inventing who wants to be a billionaire and jade caught me and looked at me like what the fuck is going on hey uh have you ever seen

absolutely cleared on this i need to be absolutely clear So it's just me and the dog who knows. There's not even like a man who's arranged this who knows about it. It's just me and the dog. Yeah? Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Now we're getting into detail. It's a higher power. It's a higher power. It's not like

a... No, no, no. It can't be a higher power. That's getting fucking ridiculous. It's a government body body but it's like dark ops mate you think cummins isn't getting fired for jogging up to durham four times this these guys even if they fucking whisper about it they all get shot in the head it is it is like honestly it's's like boots pharmacists with machine guns, dark ops, they just turn up with a dog in a van. They come in, you know in Snatch when they're about to get killed and they put the fucking, they put plastic all over the place. And then you've got a bummer dog.

Right, here's the thing. Not to completion, because that might take a while. It's just going to be a sturdy in and out. They're like, hey, lads, you're not even jizzing, so... So it's just a dip. I just have to dip me dick in a dog just once. All, what are you, eight inches. All eight inches.

No, it's to balls. No, it's balls deep. Well, I put my balls in its bum as well. No, no, no. I know you've counted your balls before, but that doesn't count.

You medically reduced penis. You've got to stick your full dick in a dog. I can't believe we're talking about it. Come on. It's the thing, right? How have we not

recorded this on video? This has been one of the best fucking... If it could be guaranteed... Yeah. That ends coronavirus and no one ever knows... Mate, you can't caveat... Yes. COVID's gone.

Listen. Go on. Then I would absolutely do it. My only concern... Yeah? Dog ate. then I would absolutely do it. My only concern is that imagine you bummed a dog and then they were like, ah, it doesn't even do anything and you've just bummed a dog for nothing.

Imagine if it was like a really elaborate prank. That's all that... Like I turn up out of the van like fucking Ashton Kutcher, like it's punk, like, hey, you fucking lads no mate that's what I'm worried about

it's getting pranked and I guess you bum the dog thinking it'll cure AIDS or whatever like that would just be on my mind right it is obviously you have to deal in you have to suspend disbelief for this.

You can't be like, listen, I'd do it. I would bum the dog, theoretically, but I don't trust you that none of you are a fucking rat. You've got to accept it's never leaking one full poof of the dog. And the dog, I'll tell you what, I'll extend an olive branch. The dog's into it it's one of them big juleps dogs the big big hairy ones absolutely bum a dog to end the coronavirus especially if it's just one pump a hundred percent i'd make a dog come to end coronavirus, I swear to God. No context. Mate, by the way, if you listen to the board and you hear us keep saying no context,

some absolute lid, and I've got my fucking suspicions of who it is, has set up a completely separate no context, have a word, where they play clips out of context of what me and Adam say and then put it on. I tell you what, if you ever want to feel proud of everything you've achieved in life

and also thoroughly ashamed of yourself, go back to the very first tweet and listen to every one after the other. Oh my God, we're a pair of fucking morons. And if that's not the no context so it's at no context have a word please give them a follow they've got 400 followers our stupid

no context clips has got more followers than some professional comedians on twitter yeah oh god what dog would it be honestly I'm not you couldn't be a little dog well ideally

it'd be a little dog wouldn't it why it's just it feels less like real what that's the worst that's basically being a dog pedo no I wouldn't call him a puppy that's the worst that's basically being a dog pedo no

I wouldn't bum a puppy this has got too ridiculous right it's got too ridiculous just there's no topping bumming a dog and that's it honestly Adam and I have known that since we started out and it's a well-known mantra in comedy.

You cannot talk dog bumming. Let's have a word. You know them, you love them. It's Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London. If you're visiting London, if you're going down for the weekend, take your missus, take your fella, take them to go and see comedy. There's some cracking comedy shows in London. If you're visiting London, if you're going down for the weekend, take your missus, take your fella, take them to go and see comedy. There's some cracking comedy shows in London. Some of them, and I've played them, are a little lacking in fucking soul.

Vauxhall Comedy Club. This is a comedy club done with love and care and done properly. In a great room with great atmosphere with brilliant comics, some from the TV, some up-and-coming circuit talent. And the absolute best of it, if you're there for the weekend, is Friday and Saturday night. And down at Vauxhall Comedy Club they call it Bottomless Booze Comedy. So basically you pay them an entry fee with the money for your booze

included. It's £25, it's a 90 minute show and you also get bottomless booze wine, beer, cider, £25 There's also a spirit and mix of bottomless ticket that starts at £35 and if you're a purist, you're staying sober, you're fucking ziving, the ticket's just a tenner. Once we're done with the rona and back to normal trading voxel comedy club is usually open monday to saturday it's right next to a street food garden and between

now and then do us a favor have a word and follow the voxel comedy club online you can join the mailing list it's at voxel comedy club on insta at voxel comedy on twitter and voxel comedy club on facebook it's an over 18 out, and you never know, come the autumn, you might see me and Adam there. From Texas to Skem, every lead is listening to the funniest podcast in the game. This is Have A Word. Oh, Jesus.

Danny, I've got a question for you. What time is it? Oh! It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems you have with your friends. This was going to be the whole podcast. Now it's just a final 10%. Can I say right now that the past week of this podcast,

where we've been trying to solve the mystery, which we're going to do part three of today, and if you haven't listened to the last two public episodes, so the one that came out on Friday last week and the one that came out on Monday last week, before you listen to this last bit, you really want to go and listen to at least the Have A Word sections, which is always the third section of both of those episodes

you need to because this is a fucking mind fuck of a mystery now little catch up for everyone who has listened to it already but just wants a little reminding someone's shit in someone's bin a lad went out a lad called

John went out with his two mates, Sam and Malachi. They came back to his house, had some fucking cocaine, had some more alcohol. His missus was asleep. The next morning, John was woke up by his missus and there was a shit in the bin,

in the kitchen. Last week, we heard from John, we heard from his wife, week we heard from John, we heard from his wife, and we heard from Malaki, Malaki, whatever his name is. Malaki. One person we hadn't heard from was Sam, who is so far culprit number one

in a lot of people's opinion. Well, mainly because he's not been spoken to. To be fair, he's not, yeah, okay, I know what you mean, mainly because he's not been spoken to. To be fair, he's not... Yeah, okay, I know what you mean. Mainly because he's not been spoken to, but also, so of the three witnesses we've heard from so far, the wife doesn't offer an opinion on who she thinks it was

because she just doesn't know. Malarkey thinks it was Sam and John thinks it was Sam, but they just don't have it in them to prove it and they can't, so they've asked us to get involved and try and decide everyone's I'll say right now

I think we've got to roll forward everyone's listened and if you've got to this point going what, then you need to go back they're online motherfucker, they're on every podcast platform available listen to episode 58 and 57 so I'll tell you right now I've already

read Sam's testimony obviously because I prepped this bit of the podcast and um I hope to prove by the end of today's episode that I was right all along and the wife did it. Char! Upset me!

Nasty bitch! I'll tell you what, Dan. I bet you I convinced you as well. You're not reading between the lines. Right, let's go. Have a word. The bin shitter. Part three. Sam's testimony. It's a very short one, this. Show it to Jade, who's been it's a very short one this showed it to jade suspiciously following this story very intently are you joking jade doesn't even listen to the pod and laura's about 40

episodes behind which is good because by the time she hears about her fucking nick knickers and her piobs she's gonna be like i can't remember that also she told me not to talk about on the podcast and i fucking did because i'm bad motherfucker have you read these to jade laura i sam sam by the way if you're listening sam emailed and i explained to laura i saw it we were in the living room sam email i went oh my god he's emailed and she went what i was like oh don't worry about it something for the podcast but some guy that adam has asked to email his email she went what is it so i read i told her the story and she was like read the email i was like no i'm gonna wait because i know i know adam's gonna read it to me on the podcast she was like well i want to know so she basically made me for and she was like oh my god it was like full kard Kardashians level of interest. Yeah.

Jade's obsessed with it. Every time I get like a message about it from you or from the email, she she's into it. Um, so here we go. Sam, he says, all right,

lads, hope you're keeping safe and well. So I was sent the podcast to the day, which is class by the way. And I guess you now want to hear my side of the story. So here it is. Yes. I have never had any history of shitting in any strange places,

let alone a kitchen bin, no matter how fucked up I get. When I had spoke to John after a couple of years, hang on. What? Oh, when I had spoke to John after this happened and a couple of years ago, he told me Malaki still said it wasn't him.

I didn't know he had a history of shitting in strange places as we discovered the other day on the podcast, which doesn't look good for his case, really, does it? All right, Sam. All right. You just fucking testify. In answer to why I stuck around the next day, I can answer that easily. Liverpool were playing in the early game and

we watched the game on TV. So we were waiting for it to come on. It was, I feel, unfortunate that by the time me and Malachi, Mal for short, had woken up on the sofas, note the plural there, that the evidence

was cleared away. So what he's saying is, so the wife had woke John up and said, look at this fucking shit in the bin. But before the two lads woke up, they'd cleared it away. If I was able to take a look at that little beauty, I would possibly have been able to know whether it was one of mine or not.

No! Go on. I will trying. Go on. I will respect your decision either way. Go on. Sorry, go on. P.S. There is no fucking way

women are shitting their own bin level smart. I agree with Dan. Some things just don't happen. P.S. Number two. John, I'm not as cool as you, fella. Which is a reference

to something that John put in the original email about Sam being the coolest kid on the block. Right. That's the whole email from Sam. Right. Jade wasn't convinced by this. I haven't heard all the other testimony. Mm-hmm.

So you've now heard from everyone, Dan. Before we look at examining the facts of the case, rather than just opinion, I want to ask you, based on what you've heard who's your man or woman now I'll tell you this I

I went out on a limb and said quite categorically that I thought it was Malachi Malachi Malachi malachi right malachi right i soon as i heard he likes a bit of a fucking sniff and he's got poo history but his testimony on the last podcast really changed my opinion because he was like, mate, where's Adam going? You all right?

Yeah, I've just turned it from me. Oh, sorry. It's just a bit hot. You can't hear. You obviously can't see that on the podcast. Adam took his headphones off like he was going to go, right, you cunt. This is what I think. I totally see with Maliki,

I've had the old, the clearance of the bowels, if you have a line of fucking sniff, which I'm not advocating, I'm just saying it does. It's very, it's not middle of the night. It's like when you do it,

we've all been there, right? So I was- That's because it's often cut with laxatives, isn't it? Yeah, and baby laxatives. I'm not even joking. It's actually quite, this is such a smack a thing to say. It's quite nice sometimes when you're like,

Oh, I feel cleared out anyway. Also, you feel good because cocaine is quite strong. Um, I was so like Maliki did it. I, it's been six months since I've had a Coke and I would literally order some right now.

Um, I think Sam, honestly, Sam, that is not a great test to me. And what you're not saying in that email response is you were the hammered one. And Maliki's been like, mate, I was there loads. I've been there loads.

What he does say, what he does say in this email is that he's never shit in any weird place no matter how fucked up he gets. He is acknowledging that he regularly gets fucked up, but he's never done this before. I don't buy

that, mate. You poo where you poo and you poo when you poo. Do you know what I mean? I've put together a list of facts about all four people in this story. I fucking love this episode. This episode's been fucking great. This has been everything I ever wanted in podcast. Here's the facts about all four guests.

We'll start with Sam, who's today's testifier. Testifier. Have you itemised the facts? Yeah. Chicago! I have. I fucking love it. There's three questions which I think

hint that the wife did it. I'll tell you in a minute. So Sam, he stayed around the next day, which he says was for the football. He'd never been to the property before. He's got no priors of shitting in weird places. And he

believes it was Maliki. They're the facts about Sam. They're the facts about Sam. As well, can I just say, last episode, you said about having a, if you'd done it and there was no paper, you must have a rusty bong hole.

But what I think needs to be taken into account there is, you know, in the morning waking up like, Oh my God, it wasn't a bit of the bit. You could have gone to the toilet and, and you know, had a cleanse,

had to clean yourself up. Right. So that's Sam. Facts about Malaki. He's a dirt bag. Oh, I want to drink with, by Malachi. He's a dirtbag. Who I want to drink with, by the way. He's a known shitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

However, he had already had a shit earlier on in the night. Yeah, yeah. He did know because he'd been there before where the toilet was. It's not Malachi. And he believes it was Sam. They're the facts about Malachi. Sorry, Malachi. It's not Malachi. And he believes it was Sam. They're the facts about Malachi. Sorry, Malachi. It's not you, mate.

The wife. Oh, Jesus Christ, Adam. She has remained accommodating to having the lad drowned since. Adam, it's not her. She was the only one who's seen the door open in the middle of the night. She doesn't state a belief

of who it was. She was the one who discovered the poo and she cleaned it up before Sam and Mal woke up. But John saw it. Yeah. Well, she found it and woke John up to come and look at it. They're facts.

They're the facts of the case and they are undisputed. Mate. No. Go on. John is 99% sure it wasn't him, and he believes it was Sam. We don't know much about John, but I think John can be ruled out completely because

I just don't see a motive at all. No. Having said that, though, I have pissed in a flowerpot in my own bedroom, so Because I just don't see a motive at all. No, I haven't said that, though. I have pissed in a flower pot in my own bedroom. So have you never done that? Have you never? It's only ever happened once, but I have.

And I've heard of mates getting so drunk in their own house, they've pissed in like a wardrobe. But I have pissed in a flower pot i was actually seen a girl it was like the second in a bottle when i was so hung over i didn't want to get out of bed oh no that's different i mean that's that's the that is logistics i'm talking i woke up after a booze this is years ago and i was what the fuck? Why is my plant pot leaking? And I'd pissed into a house plant. I don't know. John's not off the hook for me.

Go on, go on, go on. Sorry, Adam. Go on. I'm taking it seriously. John's not off the hook for you? Why? As much as right I'd say this

as much as I'd say this it doesn't feel like it's John but if I can piss in a plant pot in my own bedroom he can no

but you wouldn't go from the bedroom into the living room to shit to another room to do a shit for no reason not when it's your flat and you know exactly where everything is Sam No, but you wouldn't go from the bedroom into the living room to shit. To another room to do a shit for no reason. Not when it's your flat and you know exactly where everything is. Sam shot in the bed.

Three questions. Go on. Got three questions. I'll answer all of them. That's what I'm like. If it's one of the two lads who were guests. Yeah. Why didn't they hide it?

Too drunk. It was left. Too drunk. Sam didn't they hide it? Too drunk. It was left. Too drunk. Sam was too drunk. Sam was too drunk. Okay. But he was, he had his way about enough to know not to do it

on the sofa or the floor and found a bin. Yeah. I think if you know to find the bin, you know to hide it. That's my opinion. I think whoever did know to find the bin, you know to hide it. That's my opinion. I think whoever did this,

wanted it to be discovered or didn't care if it was. No, I disagree, sir. I think you're running on instinct. You're running on drunken instinct. And you're like, I need to plop. And you've had a little fucking move around, and then you're like, oh, I can't find it. You don't, you can't, there's no reason to it.

You just plot where you plot. You're drunk, you're dehydrated, you don't need to wee. Who says he didn't wee in the... It's Sam. Sam. Go on. Where's the piss? Listen.

That argument is... Where's the piss? It's redundant because women and men can't piss. Women can't poo and not wee. It's the same fucking thing. That argument doesn't incriminate anyone. It doesn't incriminate anyone. I'll tell you why it does.

No, it doesn't. Women... Right. Do we accept that women can't shit without pissing and also that men can't, especially when they've had a night out worth of booze in them I bet you men can poo without wee in

I'm throwing it out there I bet you can how do you know that it wasn't a wee to completion and then a medical anal emergency this is so graphic but sometimes now what's Jade saying go on that's not the plumber anal emergency. This is so graphic. But sometimes

now what's Jade saying? Go on. That's not the plumber. What's happening? Jade said Sam Defoe did it. No question. You can't go from explosive IBS to a solid poo. Yeah, Sam. That's it for ruling the wife out.

I do think it's either Sam or the wife. Right, okay. So why... Go on, what's the last question? Right. I need to get something from you. Do you accept that if you've had a night on the ale,

there's no way you're shitting without pissing? I don't think you can anyway. Never mind a night on the ale. Right. And I'll tell you for why. Right. The science of what you explained last time is total fucking kidology bullshit science.

When you've got a demon inside you and that needs to be expelled. Begone demon! Right. um a demon inside you and that needs to be expelled begone demon right that that when that happens it's not now normal trading normal trading hours you're like oh i need a wee i need a plop it all that's all part of the same deal but we're talking about intoxicants we're talking about the poison the booze the alcohol the cocaine right we're talking about the poison, the booze, the alcohol, the cocaine, right? We're talking about fucking Bolivia marching powder in your system.

What's normal is out the window. I think you could have a wee and then finish that wee and then two minutes later in your drunken state be like, oh shit, you know, something's coming up on platform two, right? Could be in the sink. You don't know, Adam. It's not enough. It's not enough. I'm telling you what happened. Here's what happened. It's not her.

Are you telling me it's her? Oh, for fuck's sake, Adam. Right. I'll tell you why. She's got no alibi apart from her own idea that someone opened the door in the night I'll tell you what she did

she went to the bathroom she knows where it is she knew she could make as much noise as she want because all the other lads are passed out from booze and alcohol she done a shit in the bathroom and moved it to the kitchen and that's where the piss went it was in the bathroom she moved it to the kitchen. And that's where the piss went. It was in the bathroom.

She got rid of the piss in the bathroom. No one heard her because they were all passed out from drinking and drugs. And she moved the shit from the bathroom to the kitchen. She found it, woke her husband up and went, someone's shit in the bin. I'm fucking sick of this. I was going out to get you guys bacon bin. I'm fucking sick of this. I was going out to get you guys bacon sandwiches. I'm such

a lovely person. Aren't I amazing? I never do anything sneaky, do I? Write into the podcast and tell them I'm not sneaky. Do it now. Fucking send the email. Do it fucking now. Then she cleared it up and then woke the lads up and said, someone's shit in the bin

and didn't even give them a chance to look at it and say that can't possibly be mine because of this whatever, she's full of shit but not quite as full of shit as she was when she pushed this out, she did it Adam we've had an email

from another listener and I'm gonna they've asked to be kept anonymous from this. I don't know why I'm doing this because it doesn't help my argument, but it says, Higher lids, loving the pod as always, just a little ting to chip in with about the poo mystery from Monday's pod. I once knew of a lass that legit put her poo in her handbag

because it wouldn't flush at a coked-up party. She had poo paranoia. Thankfully, I had a few degrees of separation from this lass. And he says, maybe it will help with your dossier or corkboard. So he's just saying someone's heard it and gone. And he's just saying someone's heard it and gone, and he's not, he's not casting judgment, but he's just saying

that he, he knows a girl that got coked up, did a plop at a party and, and basically left a floater, got so embarrassed

that she put it in tissue paper, wrapped it up and put it in a bag and took it home. There's no toilet home. There's no toilet roll. There's no piss. And they both would have been

there if someone else had done this. Maybe not the toilet roll, but then they'd have had a stinky arse for at least a while. And that doesn't just go away by wiping your arse. That's a terrible argument. They could have got up in the morning and dealt with that.

But they'd still stink. They'd still be on their underwear. Yeah. That's literally unsubstantiated. That's hearsay. Where's the piss? Where is the piss?

It was done in the bathroom and moved and that's why there's no piss. I'm with Jade. If you can give me another explanation as to where the piss went, I'll change my mind. Right. Right now. People don't piss. People don't shit without pissing, especially if they've had a full night on the booze. Right. Listen,

lids, everyone listening, tomorrow morning on Twitter, I will post a poll on the Have A Word Podcast Twitter account And I want to vote I want to vote Because Adam is adamant that it's

No Name Misses I think John's got off lightly I think Maliki, I was adamant But I cannot see, I think Sam is nailed on. I'm with Jade. We're going to put the poll up. We're going to let... Listen, we're going to let the Twitter... Alright, alright, where's the piss?

Where is the piss? You can't handle the piss! Where is the piss? Oh my god. Can we put it on... Adam, can we put it on Twitter? We can. Answer the fucking question though, Boris. Where is the piss? If it's Sam...

I think it's in Durham. Where is the piss? I think it's in Durham. I think the piss went up to Durham. Where is... Stop joking and answer the question. Where is the piss? I've told you.

He... I think men can poo and wee separately. They can't! Not when you've had a night on the aisle! Bullshit! No, I've told... Adam, Adam. Bullshit! Just lean into the Zoom camera. It's not real.

Adam, you're alright. Oh my god, he's so hairy. Do you know what? He's a fucking hairy wildebeest, but he's a good looking thing. Look at him. I love that little fucking yeti. Alright, Adam.'s a good-looking thing. Look at him. I love that little fucking Yeti. All right, Adam. Let's let the people have their say. And I'm not joking.

I'll tell you this right now. Do you know when you went round Cambridge University, episode 11? I think if you'd have gone there, you'd have been a fucking top. You'd have been like Keir Starmer now. You'd have been chasing fucking boris johnson at the dispatch box i think you you honestly you're a dog with a boat and it's great but i think we need to let twitter have their say so tomorrow morning when everyone's had a listen we're going to put the poll up on twitter who shat in the bin yeah Yeah? We can do, but anyone who says

it's not the wife, I want you to tell me where the piss is, because I refuse to accept that you can shit without pissing. Where's the piss? It's the smoking gun. The wife did it. I'm telling you right now, John. John, who emailed in in the first place, you asked us to help you solve this.

We don't agree, mate, okay? But I'm telling you right now, I know what I'm talking about here. I've looked at the hard facts of the case. It can't possibly be that shit without there being some piss. Your wife did it and moved it. There's no other explanation as far as I'm concerned.

I'll say this. I want anyone who's listening to this, not ladies, ladies, all 14 of you, you're excused from this, you're recused. Men, can you have a plot without weeing? I think in certain situations, you can. Okay, I will accept that it's possible on a very rare occasion to do that.

I do not accept that it's possible to do that when you've been on the aisle all night and were the first one to pass out and hadn't been to the toilet. I honestly need to end this podcast because you're making me feel anxious, right? I'm fucking obsessed with this case. I got like this with Serial.

It's the same thing. Mate, this shit's on Serial. This shit's on Serial. Literally. Right, I've got a song set up. Ooh, I've got a song. We're going to end this podcast. This, Adam Rowe,

you fucking hairy little North African heritage lid has been one of my favorites for a while. It's been a belter. Thank you for listening, everyone. The merch is going to be set up. Hopefully we'll announce it on Friday. If you enjoy the podcast, tell a motherfucking friend. Spread the word on your social media, Facebook, Insta, whatever you're on.

Let's grow this motherfucker. And let's just say right now before we do wrap it up, anyone who's involved with this, the wife, John, Sam, Maliki, if you've got any evidence that we haven't considered yet, you need to get them in before Friday. Right. We'll see how the Twitter poll goes we'll take into account

the Twitter poll on Friday at the end of the song there will be the Patreon £10 pledges, listen, everyone on the Patreon, whether it's the £3 pledge, £3 a month pledge

the £5 a month pledge, the £5 a month pledge, the £10 a month pledge. You are all keeping us going financially. You've become our support, and we appreciate you massively. The next time those Patreons will hear from us, if you sign up for the Patreon at patreon.com slash haveawordpod, you also get the extra Wednesday Patreon special episode, which is an hour plus of bullshit, and everyone who comments with the content, questions

suggestions, it gets read out, we deal with it on the Wednesday episode, we'll read out your names of the £10 patrons, every £10 patron gets their names read out as an executive producer we'll do that after the song Adam, want to add anything?

No, all good man my stand up special comes out on Saturday the 30th of May, that's this Saturday, please make sure you watch it and tell everyone else to do the same, youtube.com slash adamrodecomedy, please Yeah, Adam's worked so hard on this and it's going to be amazing

give it a push, give it a plug when you watch something or listen to something and I'm not even just talking about me or Adam or the podcast if you watch or listen to something online and you think fuck that was great do the person who created it a favour and just tell someone else about it

if it's 10, 5 or 1 people just do it it helps so much appreciate you I've loved today now I've cracked it on because raptor warhurst sent us a few songs and they're amazing and i'm all about the hip-hop vibe so today's song is raptor warhurst look what you've made absolute corker adam rowlid dan yeah that was friday's song? No, it's no, it wasn't. It was?

It wasn't. It was. Raptor Warhurst sent us forward, didn't he? Yeah, and that was Friday's song. Check the Raptor Warhurst. A hundred percent. I've got it on me Google Doc here because I read it out.

I put it on me Google Doc and it's read it out. I put it on me Google Doc and it's still on Friday's Google Doc. Oh, Jesus. Hang on. I thought I'd dodged that. No. I thought you'd read it. I thought you'd read out, walk with me.

No. Oh, Jesus. Well, we'll do Walk With Me. Don't edit this out. Do you know what happened? Right. So I assumed that you'd gone with Raptor Warhurst, Walk With Me, because it's the first one on the files.

No, I listened to them all and picked my favorite you know i did i assumed it was the first one and i was like i'm gonna pick my next favorite it was look what you've made all right well listen uh today's artist is raptor warhurst the song title will be uh whatever you keep hearing you know the words you keep hearing if you keep hearing a word it's probably the song title but i i raptor warhurst is fuck of all the people we've had on this podcast given i tell you what i haven't clicked with everyone that we've listened to like so many of the artists that we've listened to have been amazing. And then some of them just make you go,

oh my God, who the fuck is this guy? Raptor Warhurst is one of those artists. So, I'm going to delete. And if you like rap battles, go and check out Raptor versus Tony D.

It's a great rap battle between Raptor and a veteran from London. It's phenoms. All right, lads. Bye, Felicia.ads bye Felicia bye Felicia Yo Look, though we don't talk much We find the ad to communicate

And I guess it's my fault Cause I should've been there for you from day You've seen the mistakes I made As I struggled to make it through the pain So why the fuck would you go and do the same? Look, I understand what you've been through in such a short life But understand that shit can change in such a small time My mother is worried sick, looking sick cause she sits up all night

Waiting for the dreaded knock at the door and trip to the bar I feel guilty about this, what kind of brother was I? My bad examples were said but the life is fucked up as mine You watched me suffer in silence and put a little up inside Then I took myself from the wrong path but I left you drudging behind It's deep, now when I see you it's me, a 15 years old Always smoking weed on the streets, always bringing police to our home I know, the shit you seen, seen planted seeds I see that they've grown

Now before they turn into trees I've gotta reap what I've sown It's cold my mother suffers cause drugs corrupted her baby And even though she keeps her smile I know deep inside that she blames me Cause that's the style of life that I glamorized and it changed him Now she cries inside this wh And was drinking wine on her daily It's fucking driving her crazy To rid herself of the stress She's killing herself

Literally drinking herself to death She got minimal health Plus she is digging herself And there ain't no forgiving yourself There ain't no forgiving you when she's dead P.S. Yo I know over the years we separated

And I made it feel like you can't talk to me bro But I can't man, I'm always there And you set a bad example man Choosing to play the wrong part And then my fist posts just can't stop You know you see what happened to me man You got the most out of you really man You know where it's gonna lead to man Come, come, come

Come rap with me, I'll show you Rap with me, rap with me, rap with me, rap with look, I was your rage once, I didn't wanna listen Even where every single weekend, all this coughing and misdemeanors Churning with a spliff of weed, snipping keys and drinking liters And the liquor weed is stolen down the road, a gym's convenience and you fall in two Maybe it's the shit you see, then maybe disobedience For many of the different reasons we were so close I didn't know a gun in between us, we grew apart

So we grew kinda distant, even when I said I hate you in a disagreement I'm just wanting you, I know I really didn't mean it I was out of order and I'm sorry for the inconvenience But you know my stubbornness will win against my inner feelings I was never there to give you shit you needed Never took you trick or treating as a kid for sweetest Never there with no venus, try and give you speeches Come provide the missing pieces of the links you needed And I'ma change mine, so now you gotta change cause life's too short It's the Freud on the train

There's only 12 months in a year, 7 days in a week And 24 hours in a day And you're running out of time, running out of space Mother's getting old and she's running out of days So why don't you go and put flowers in her hands Before you're putting flowers on the grave Because I'ma change mine So now you gotta change, cause life's too short

It's the Freud on the train There's only 12 months in a year, 7 days in a week And 24 hours in a day And you're running out of time, running out of space Mother's getting old and she's running out of days So I know you're going to put flowers in her hands Before you're putting flowers on the grave Cause you're running out of time, running out of space

Mother's getting old and she's running out of days So I know you're going to put flowers in her hands Before you're putting flowers on the grave Cause you runnin' out time, runnin' out space Movin's gettin' old and she's runnin' out days So why I know you gon' put flowers in her hands Before you puttin' flowers on the grave and here's the £10 pledges on Patreon Aaron Ledbetter, Adam, AJ Gregson

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I was just like, I've just got to have a beer. Janet Roskell. Cheers, Janet. You've been sending loads of emails recently. I really appreciate it. Jason Hopkins. Jason Reynolds. Jay Kyle.

Jen Wilson. Cheers, Jen. I know Jen. She's Sam. Jennifer Ridden. Oh my God, it's so dangerous when you've had a beer and you're doing this. Sorry. Take it seriously.

It's important. You guys are so important. Like, without you, I'm a fucking walking panic attack. Jess Yarwood. Jill. Why do I always get the good girls? Jill Bushell. John Parr.

John Barrowcliffe. ryan johnny armstrong all right i'm taking it dead seriously johnny edwards jonathan bagley joseph moore josh josh hulk flusk every time josh mate what a name josh hulk flusk julie smith kate bilwell kate hamilton kathleen simon katherine wells kira tan kenny guards i'm I'm going to do it in a Scouts accent just to annoy it. Lee's alright, mate. He used to sell us fucking tach. Lee Aitchison, Lee Grant, Liam. Louise Grimes.

I think I'd have're in year nine. Mark Cameron, Mark Hammond. Mark Hollenbach. You can't do Mark Hollenbach in a Scouser. Mark Hollenbach. Mark Pugh, Martin, Martin... Delmaine. Oh, Matt, sorry, Matt Delmaine. Matt, I'm not even gay, but just your surname, Matt Delmaine. Oh, Matt. Sorry, Matt Delmaine.

I'm not even gay, but just your surname, Matt Delmaine. Matt Flannery. Matthew Rees-Bender. Max Prenti. Maxine Eyre. Megan. Don't even talk about it. You don't even know her.

What are you even talking about? You don't even fucking know. She's my BFF. Megan. Michael Woods. Mike Kivy. Mike Pugh. Okay.

This is how we're going to do it. We're going to do it as a trained Royal Shakespeare Company actor. Mike Quirk. Mike Sullivan. Muttley. Nathan Sharox. Nick Stannard. Muttley Nathan Sharox Nix Danard Owen Badman Paul MacDonald

Pete Graves Peter I've Never Touched a Kid Vincent Rachel Heron Rachel Whiteley Rebecca Thomas Richard Palmer Rob Barker Ryan Farrow, Sam Crove, Sam Maguire Shout out to Sam, thanks for the shout outs Shout, shout, shout Out, shout

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sorry, sorry Julie I started pressing sorry chilly Thomas Tom Chadwick Tom Lazarus Tom Row Tom Simpson

Tom Twisselton Tony P and Wes Coakley we out in this motherfucking cheers lads What an absolute fucking pleasure Patreon special See you Wednesday Oh you motherfucker