Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #6 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: February 13, 2020

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This is Have a Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. What was that? What was that? What was that little tune in your head? It sounded like Queen Bitch by David Bowie. You know when someone makes a noise, it was like... I was just sort of introducing myself to speaking. Have you not done enough talking this morning? No, I've woke up up done a few bits of

admin dealt with me dad and then uh just drove here and had a podcast on in the car just silently driving so yeah i wonder what the perfect time for podcasting is i mean we we usually record about 1 p.m don't we yeah which for comedians most comedians without like fucking now it's the afternoon proper for me yeah but when i was gigging it you know 10 years ago it's basically mid-morning in it 1pm yeah i reckon it's quite good because i feel tuned in i feel tuned into you need a few hours of waking up you need a couple of conversations so you're not like all right adam yeah yeah like do you know at the edinburgh festival you know like when you go up there and for those uninitiated like you you do the same show in the same room at the same hour of day

every day for a month and i get quite lazy sometimes especially if you have a big night's house and you you get on it and you're out till 6, 7 o'clock in the morning in the fucking loft bar. And the next day, there's been a couple of times where I've just been so hungover that I've just stayed in my room all day, ordered food, picked it up, ate it, gone back to sleep for a bit. And the first time I speak to anyone is the first time I say anything at my show. And sometimes the words just come out your mouth

in such a weird way. It's so unnatural for the first conversation you have that day to be with 150 people who aren't allowed to answer. Just tuning in to like... But that's the... Being able to click that on is part of the edinburgh discipline isn't it when people are oh my god edinburgh like i don't know how people do edinburgh like in their first year took me a few years of experience but after a while that is part of the gig of in fact

just always being a comic every time it's gig time it doesn't matter you've got to be able to click it on yeah yeah you can't let your day affect your gig you can't go on stage angry you can't like yeah you can't go on stage sad you've got but then there's a fine line there between you don't want to become that detached comic that when i started out there was loads of comics like i've got 25 minutes and uh that served me well for 15 years i just see it and it's like they're pressing a little they're pressing play on the tape recorder in their fucking head fucking hologram um but you want to be in the moment don't you you want a bit but at the same time you've got to be able to click i do let my mood affect my performance but like i try

and sort of channel it rather than just be like i'm in a bad mood so i'm not going to perform here i'll sort of add a layer of anger to me angry bits right do you know what i mean i'm like i've got angry i fucking get it out like last night i did some new material at hot water um and a bit of old stuff that i'm just trying to tune up again before i film it um and i'd just been in a bad mood for a couple of hours because i had this fucking meeting i was looking at getting an office space right yeah um in live bill city center because i thought i'm trying to put my own little podcast studio in my house and then i was like i wonder how much in offices yeah so i had a little it is a ball like at home as well because it's not like everyone's like oh we've got that eighth bedroom that we don't do anything with like we're thinking about having a baby and

laura's like so what are you doing with the studio it's not gonna be like a cot and then the cameras and recording equipment oh dear city center a god that's exciting i looked into it so i went on like zoopla and stuff and looking at commercial properties and i found this advert for a place called spaces in liverpool and it said start at 200 square foot, goes up to 500. That literally means nothing to me. What does that mean to me? Like small to big to what?

This room's probably 100 square foot. All right, 200's decent then. Yeah, so I was like 200, and it said start at 1,200 per annum, and I was like, 200 square foot? Fucking massive, 100 quid a month. I could use it not only as a podcast studio, I could literally use it as an office. I could go there a few hours every day,

do a bit of writing, get everything done. Fucking Larry David. I'm fucking in. This is going to be great. Arranged the meeting, got there, and the guy was a bit shifty. And I was like, he went, let's take you on a tour of the options.

And I went, just before we do, could you just take us through a price list? He went, we always do the tour first. We do the tour first. And I was like, nice, okay. That sounds like sounds like the traveler gardener that tried to get me how much is it mate no no we'll do a beautiful job down the side down and we're doing beautiful now remember we're don't gonna clean the gutter in that aisle how fucking much is it never mind about that nice bit of cash like you can't get a price out of them oh mate so he goes uh right goes, right, so this is our smallest one.

It wasn't 200 square foot. Like, there was enough room to put a toilet in it, but no toilet roll. Like, you could just piss and shit and then leave. Really intense podcast. Hi, this is life from Adam's lap. It was so small.

And I was like, oh, it said on line, it said start at 200 square foot. He went, oh, I don't know what advert you've seen there. I was like Oh it said on Line it said Starts at 200 square foot He went Oh I don't know What advert you've seen there I was like It was your official advert Right

So He's the owner as well This guy He's the owner Of this business So then I went Right Was he from Liverpool

No He had like A north west accent But not Scouse It might have been like Ormskirk or Maybe even like Warrington

Like somewhere not Liverpool. Oh, yeah. But like, he's suited and stuff, and he's a bit, you know, a car salesman sleazy, and I'm like, right, okay. So, well, this isn't big enough for me, so I said, I need room to put a table

that could get up to four people around in one bit, and cameras pointed at that, and a desk on the other side of the room so that I can type away. And ideally, if I can get a 200-square-foot one, which is desk on the other side of the room, so that I can type away, and ideally, if I can get a 200 square foot one, which is what I was looking at from you,

that verse, and he's like, oh, 200 square foot, so that's what you're looking at, and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, because then I could put a whiteboard up, because I like writing.

Well, it's an office at one side, and in the studio, you could put a couch for, you know, someone's mate that's watching. That's the dream. I was like, this is,

that's what I need, and he went, okay, well, we'll take you to the 100 square foot next And then we'll take you To the 200 And in fact I went

Okay cool So he's taken me And then he took me Into this 200 square foot one And I was like It's quite nice this He said it's a bit bright though It's all windows

It's all glass And I can see everything And I went Is there any bit more Sort of contained He went Do you want a brick wall I said I'd fucking love

A brick wall mate Get the cameras Pointed at the brick wall That'll look really Aesthetically pleasing For the videos Let's do it he took me i was like this is great mate yeah let's go and sit down and talk to the prices because i'm pretty sure i'll have that and he was like oh great cool yeah it's always nice when we get happy clients and so he sits down and he goes right so for that one and he's typing away like computer says no he went right so for

that one uh so you're looking and 200 square foot you have to i went yeah yeah you went so we're looking at do you think he's do you think he's just typing any like you know when you just go on a keyboard and pretend and it's like i do think it was it was just like it was like a kid who's got a keyboard for christmas like that who the fuck is that guy so he's typing away he went right we haven't got that one in 200 square foot and i went well to be honest with you mate that 100 square foot one i think i could make do with that that looked big enough you know i mean like the setup you've got here is exactly what i need isn't it desk you've got over there that i could use and i could put a whiteboard like it's a bit tight but it's doable isn't it yeah as as an office and looking on a budget I went so the

100 square foot you went yes so that we're looking at uh that's actually on offer at the minute so it's down to six eight nine and I went six eight nine for the year anyway oh no no that's monthly and I went what and he went yeah yeah but that's all your business rates included I went well I don't need business rates I need a room to put some cameras in and point them at a wall he went so how much was your budget i said well your adverse online said your room started 200 square foot for 1200 a year and he went oh right no that's not exactly true that because you know remember that small one from earlier and i was like yeah that's the cubicle he went that's two eight nine a month i went what what are you talking about and i went i'm a bit pissed off what you did to me to be honest with you and he went what i went you clearly knew that your advert stinks and he went what you mean did you say that to him in real life yeah i don't normally right

but i was i was so pissed off i went i said i wonder what was going on at the beginning when when you you you refused to discuss prices with me before you took me on this tour i said you knew didn't you and he goes uh look look look mate it's just our policy to do the tour first and i went yeah but you do the tour first because you know people are enticed by that adverse and you're trying to sort of give them all the bullshit to convince them to go over and he went off the record mate probably that's probably why we do it oh just fuck off and i went you're the owner what do you mean probably you set the policy you slimy prick i got off and then i got an email

later on from like his assistants who'd set it up and she was like just following up on the meeting and just and i went i messed back on it look i'm really sorry about this it was a complete waste of time and i sent her a screenshot of the advert we'll put it in if this if this is the video we put out 1200 quid for 200 square foot i was fucking fuming and that's why last night's hot water I just took you went on angry I went on angry who's ever

have you ever noticed when you answer an advert slimy bastard though that is it's treating you like such a dick innit I also you know

through that whole story I was like I wonder what he was pretending to type yeah because he is the business owner. He doesn't work for them. It's not like he's part of a multinational

where there's a fucking infrastructure and you've got to go into the system. He's literally making up the prices as he goes. What is he typing? Is he writing just, I'm a dick, I'm a dick, I'm a dick? He's playing slime soccer. Well, come on. I think I'm going to play that. Guess what? Oh slime soccer whale cup I think I think that's what he was doing

guess what oh let me just check yeah that is on offer and you know how I check that not on the computer I'm just typing bullshit I just made it up

I made the number up in my head if you also could you have haggled him down is that is it one of them where they're like

they want you know you when you put something online I do I do this wherever you put anything online now to i do this wherever you put anything online now to sell sometimes we do stuff on like facebook marketplace you never put what you want

because you know people are gonna get a deal here yeah do you think he was just expecting you to barter instead of just lose your temper i mean maybe but you can't barter someone down from no 700 pound a month to 100100 a month, can you? I mean, you'd be good. I've got a recliner chair on the Facebook marketplace at the minute. We've put it up for £100, hoping we get £80 for it. Yeah, okay.

If I'd put that on for a grand, hoping to get £80, do you know what I mean? Yeah, people are going to lose interest. I want a grand for this kitchen table and chairs. It looks like a plastic one for children. Yeah, you can get them for 40 quid, you know.

Want to call it 30. It does sort of work on cars, though. On cars, it kind of, as long as you've looked after the car, like I sold an old, my old, I had an old Volvo saloon, and as I bought it i literally i had this thing for like old granddad cars because we do so many motorway miles i really like at the time i really

liked a long cruising car do you do a lot of miles on a motorway i'm just in case my insurance is listening i do six thousand a year as a writer i don't know what did i say a lot of miles a lot of miles to get a train I get loads of trains I like trains But when I drive To and from The shops And not commuting

Just socially When I drive around To my friend's house But 2.3 miles away I really like You know Cruise control Yeah

I really like cruise control Driving around the estate I think it's important I do Like If my insurance is listening I'm 100% honest and i do 6 000 miles a year and i i mainly i'm a writer i'm a writer yeah yeah i write all of this this

is written yeah this is really just me reading out my writing yeah i walked here from liffield over the runcorn bridge and we don't get paid so it's social nice to see you pal and if my tax are listening i do do 40 40,000 miles a year. Do you know how many comics would be fucked if insurance companies and the tax man had one conversation? If Aviva

just make one phone call to HMRC. Does this cunt really do 4,000 miles a year just socially? Cunt to us. He does nothing but drive and work

I think he works for fucking DPD this cunt we've got him down as a part time comedian part time Amazon delivery driver oh god yeah I got an old Volvo

and as I bought it i was really pleased myself it was like beige leather interior went to the pub um to just pick up a mate i can't remember what was happening outside the pub i hadn't had a drink they came out i was like oh look i'm not i've it was i got back from a gig early went and met them and they had a couple of drinks and i was like i'll give you a lift home don't get the chance to be a designated driver very much they were going one way me and my mate were going the other and it was like the second day i'd had the car i was really pleased with it and uh her mates were like what the fuck is that grandad mobile how fucking old are you like you know you're like oh god and i absolutely love that car

and i didn't really like i don't know anything about engines there was a little bit of a problem on the oil bit of it but it was an old saloon car and i ended up selling it for slightly more than i bought it for 18 months after i bought it just because it looked nice because i put it on i just got cheeky with it i bought it for 1800 and I was looking at it as we sat, I was like, Laura, this looks good. I think I put it on for like 2400 and someone offered me 2100. Before that, two Russian, oh my God, I've just remembered this, two Russian guys came to look at it and they were not going to buy it for 2400.

They got so angry, they had the thing, Laura was like, what the fuck are they doing in the car? I was like, I don't know, the Russian, I don't know if theyussian i don't know if they were russian or polish were like this is not good this is not good uh have you serviced this how long ago was this it's not good because i'm now thinking that these might be the father of your child about three years ago you're gonna need to talk your wife it was about three years ago literally him and his dad's like this broken this broken i don't know give you 700 again it's not good you need the fix and i was like right i'm i look at it literally two days later some fucking bloke called bernard came around he wasn't called bernard but he looked

like it so many callbacks he was like so british he was like this is sure this is really shiny fucking love it it's just you just need a plonker if you're gonna make that sale where you're cheeky and you're fucking go for the stars just you just need a plonker and not two russian blokes if you're looking for a plonker facebook marketplace is the place to go for that the amounts of crazy people on buy sell swaps on those things it gives me energy you know putting something on there makes you literally hate the fact you've put it on there you're like well i don't i know money's good but i don't know if i want to answer this many dickhead questions does it work are you spelling does with a zed

you fucking plonker do you use it yeah does your auto correct work on your fucking phone? Yeah, you've had to override your phone system. Stop telling me what I have to spell my words for. Fucking stupid. Does. I think it's at this point worth us saying that we're recording this podcast a week in advance because you're going gallivanting. And the only reason I'm bringing it up is

I'm quite worried that sort of of major is going to happen this week and then people are going to listen for our opinion on it on the podcast i actually thought that earlier today we've been so clever recording like four or five days earlier because we're like it's the response to the podcast has been so good yeah everyone's i'm looking at the downloads it's really good i'm look we're enjoying doing it you know we're working at it but it's a fucking laugh yeah and then we're like right really conscientiously let's record early let's make sure we get one out don't want to miss it what if there is like a massive event yeah and then we just say the 6th of february and this is going i was on friday the 14th but there's eight days here where fuck something could go

massively wrong well how big would it have to be before it looks like like jesus adam and dan are really committed to just like light-hearted banter because they've not even talked about scotland blowing up you know that nuclear attack just on dundee wiped out Scotland they've not even mentioned it do you know what I'm not 100% sure that people would notice if there was an attack on Dundee to be honest with you

mate there'd be more of an uproar if Liverpool dropped points yeah fuck this fuck yeah there really would we don't play this weekend

so that's how we're not yeah we're not playing until next week. Fuey. Having a little winter break, aren't we?

Sending out the under-7s to play Chelsea. Liverpool are so good, they just sent children to Anfield and still Celtic.

How many people turned up to Anfield, by the way? It was four. Of course it did. That's how you know everyone's pleased

with clapping his voice yeah I'm sending out my seven year old niece she's playing left back brilliant fucking Jürgens she was fucking great little Stephanie

the kids were great man ah look at you it was so good look at you you can't even do jokes about Liverpool I can't it's too good at the minute

I'm trying to do bantam you're like yeah all joking aside though he could put out the minute. I'm trying to do bantam. You're like, yeah, all joking aside, though, he could put out his niece, Stephanie. I'm sure she's got a wicked left foot. As long as she tracks back, you know? The internet's great at the minute with regards to the footy because there's a lot of other football fans

that they're melting down. Like, they can't handle. The lead Liverpool have got is so unassailable at such an early part of the season that there's just a complete rejection this is possibly down to merit I'd just turn Twitter off if I was

them, who are bitching, Man United fans? United City and Everton, I'm quite happy for them to keep bitching because it's given me energy. The amount of conspiracy theories that are spouting. The FA are Liverpool fans.

It's run by a Bradford fan. The FA are Liverpool fans? The FA want Liverpool to win the league and they've brought in VAR Daniel. That's what it's been brought in for. Last year? To get Liverpool to win the league. That's why it's there. It's not to make new decisions, Liverpool to win the league that's why it's there it's not to make new decisions

let's ignore the fact that Liverpool have actually lost more decisions to VAR than gained them ignore that, it's been brought in to make sure Liverpool win the league when people who watch football think there's a conspiracy within football it makes me think they're retarded I'm looking at you going

can anyone be fucking arsed? And also, that thing of like, wow, so-and-so have had a really easy cup run. How is it in the FA's interest to give anyone an easy cup run? The best games, you know, when you look at the cup run, you're like, shit game, shit game, shit game.

The best games, by a mile, are the ones where all of a sudden there's like that one in every few, there's maybe one around where even less where City get United or Chelsea get Arsenal or Liverpool

are at United that's the FA Cup that's what they do if they were rigging the league it would be massive behemoth matches plus like one game where it's like

fucking Telford versus Man City because that's always fun in it also if they were going to rig the league i think they'd try and hide it a bit better than 22 points clear the stars are fucking fem winning that's like kim jong-un do you remember kim jong-un's golf score that was released by this the north korean press he was like and then he shot a hole in one on a past fight and then our glorious leader shot another hole in one on a pass five and then our glorious leader shot another

hole in one he did 18 holes in 19 shots didn't he it's a bit like that they added one extra shot like he missed one hole in one

just to be like he's not he's not a god he's human I mean no one could get 18 holes in one guys

that'd be ridiculous next the news. Everything's great in North Korea. We've won the World Cup again. Next is for Kim Jong-un. He's got a hat trick at the World Cup that you're not allowed to watch because you're not allowed to television.

Isn't that incredible? Like, in North Korea, and I don't know whether the North Korean people believed it, but the government, what showed, I think they played Portugal and got beat like 6-0 and they just told the North Korean people that's us in the

purple shirts by the way we won that 6-0 oh no they didn't they can't they did they told the whole country that they

won the World Cup fucking hell how the fuck did we get to Liverpool's 22 point lead in the Premier League to North Korea? I think that either shows real skill is right for broadcasters, that we can show that level of range,

or that we've both got ADD. I actually sort of respect the dictatorship level of... Like that, you know, just like, no, we won the World Cup. Like, I think that would work over here with a lot of stuff. Like, if a year ago when Theresa May was still in charge she'd just come out

and gone we've left Europe don't worry about it now we're out I think most people would have gone good thank you for sorting that out

and then just gone back to their lives they don't know how to check glorious leader yeah just I reckon we need a dictator

I think you'd have to turn Twitter off because if people are bitching about the FA Cup and the league being fixed, yep, we've made a decision about Europe, don't fancy it anymore, see you later. Like, everyone's going to be like,

oh yeah, that's fine. I would have just took a shiny, crispy, £20 note to Brussels, slid it across to Angela Merkel and gone, hey, we're going to tell fucking everyone we've left, but we're not. You know the way you record all the big European Parliament meetings, just don't

ever have a camera on one of us. We'll still contribute, but just don't ever show our faces. Yeah, and we're going to tell these morons that Boris Johnson got 18 holes in one. Just fuck North Korea. It's 20 quid Angela, get yourself a brat first. Sorry, 20 euros.

Could it change for you at the post office? I've left it in pounds. You'll get 22 pound 50 from the euro exchange. What are you doing? Sexy voice for Angela Merkel? That's for Theresa May. Oh, is it? She's talking to Angela Merkel.

Oh, is it? Why did you make it a little bit lesbian? Go off. I reckon Theresa May is probably a filthy bitch. Disgusting! You haven't jerked off in nearly 36 hours. That's unprecedented. If you had to fuck a world leader...

I'll play. I'm in for this. You have to penetrate one world leader with your dick what do you have to who are you gonna do past or present or fucking bang Abraham Lincoln lad full score

do they have to be current or yeah we can't do it you can't bang dead world leaders why fuck Hitler yeah we can't do it you can't bang dead world leaders why fuck Hitler that'd be a better story though wouldn't it I wouldn't kill him

no we can't do time travel time travel makes it weird it's not realistic now Adam you're so silly realistically what world leader would you fuck stop trying to ruin it with fantasy.

Kim Jong-un would be great. Just to see the press release. I think... Podcast champion Dan Nightingale made love to our glorious leader. Our glorious leader made Dan Nightingale come four times. Wouldn't it be a great story, though? Like, I reckon royalty would be better, though.

Right. Like, you know, like, like Meghan Markle, right, and Kate, you know, they've married in to royalty. Someone's fucked them. Like before they were with the prince? No, I don't think with Kate. Not with Kate? No, I think she might have been. She's from Yorkshire?

No, she fucking owns Yorkshire. Yeah, she's from Yorkshire. There's some lad who, when he was 16, fingered Kate Middleton.

Oh, my God. But he has, though. And every time he sees her, like, just being all graceful on the news and stuff. It's the Duchess

of Cambridge. You're so sad. and he's just like I've banged her I think that's how you know you're getting a bit older when you're like these women are beautiful aren't they they are stunning they're going to be

one of them's going to be the queen well it won't be Meghan now they've got her Kate Middleton's be the queen well it won't be megan now she's they've got no no but it's gonna be kate middleton's the next possible queen isn't it oh no camilla shit queen cam cam yeah but like i reckon by the time the queens they're there and charles be on the lasses anyway i reckon it won't be long before uh how much is charles that's mate, just fuck off. Middleton and William are going to be Queen and King

and then there'll be some lad in Wakefield who can be like a fucking Bang the Queen meal. And neck the Queen. Stop talking about that Steve, you fucking bullshitter. No I didn't. And that's the thing, no one will fucking believe him. No one who knows for the fact it happened. But there'll be like three or four of their mates.

There's like, maybe like two other lads and two other girls who waited round the corner while they went behind like a fucking phone box or something to have a little neck and a cheeky finger bejage. I tell you what, though, I wouldn't bang that around, that information, round Wakey. Because if they knocked off Diana in a tunnel in France, they can definitely kill some dickhead in Wakefield and his mates.

Don't keep, stop telling people that. Fucking, um, MI5 are going to fucking murder you. Imagine that. Getting fucking knocked off. Shot three times in the head for telling a fingerbang story. He killed himself by shooting him three times in the head. And just as an irony, the three holes in the head for telling a finger bang story he killed himself by shitting into his hand in the head and just as an irony the three holes

in his head they put his own fingers into it that's what you get for telling stories I just think it's amazing that that's almost certainly true

there's no way she's at least kissed someone there's someone who's necked the princess and eventually the queen

I've necked the queen what a thing to eventually the queen. I've necked the queen. What a thing to be able to say. I think the way you're characterising these young men, I don't think they talk like that. Because although, you know, people are like, she's a commoner. She's not that common. Jack Whitehall's got that bit,

because they went to school together. People who are posh love a bit of fucking common, don't they? Oh, do they? Yeah. Thanks for quoting Pulp Songs. She had a thirst for knowledge she studied sculpture at st martin's college that's where i i want a neck how many um loads by my nuns uh several on holiday as well and you can't verify that so loads in your time? Loads by my nuns.

Several on holiday as well, and you can't verify that, so loads. Great. Well, from Liverpool's 22-point lead to Kim Jong-un to finger-banging royalty, that was a hectic start

to this podcast. We got a tweet from one guy going, mate, I'm loving it, but it's too, what's happening? And I think, I think we are literally diagnosing each other going it's make i'm loving it but it's too what's happening and i think i think we are literally diagnosing each other with add i'm like but in my head i was like that all made sense yeah the gear changed in this podcast oh fuck oh do you want to do it i I was just literally I was just breathing

Ladies and gentlemen It's time for Twat of the Week This is Have a Word With Adam Rowe And Dan Nightingale And this is our Brand new feature

Where we have been Sent a story From around the world Where someone has been A bit of a twat This week Jesus Christ What?

Mate I'm going to Clip out whatever noise that was at the end. You made like... You're going to put that on your soundboard. Who the fuck is that guy? Disgusting! Do you have a jerk off? So, this can be anyone, by the way. We can do...

Any story from around... It can be from the news. I found this a couple of weeks ago, and then I was going to do it last week, but it was already a massive episode. So the twat of the week this week is this guy. A man who phoned in a hoax bomb threat in a bid to delay a flight he was running late for

has been jailed for 16 months. This is brutal. Rashidul Islam was sentenced at Lewis Crown Court after pleading guilty to communicating false information. He was also banned from Gatwick Airport. The 32-year-old called police 45 minutes before his EasyJet flight to Marrakesh from Gatwick was due to take off.

After his train was cancelled and his taxi became stuck in traffic in May last year, his hopes caused the evacuation of the flight and 147 passengers were rechecked by security, costing the airline an estimated 30 grand. A Crown Prosecution Service spokesman said, Islam anonymously called police after 45 minutes before his EasyJet booking from Gatwick was due to take off.

Warning, someone may have a bomb on the plane. You need to delay the flight. The hoax made two further threats in the following minutes. Fucking really. Tripled down. Causing crew on the 5.40pm flight to Marrakesh to be evacuated. The spokesman added that Islam was flying to Morocco to visit his fiancée and made the hoax call

after transport difficulties from Cricklewood, North London to the airport. Islam ran into transport difficulty when his train to Gatwick unexpectedly terminated at St Pancras. He instead took a taxi from the central London station, but traffic meant he would arrive at the airport with only minutes to get through security. The hoax initially succeeded, giving Islam time to check in before he was arrested at the gate after police traced him to the anonymous caller.

Rashid Islam suggests his 9-9 calls were simply a misguided solution to running late and not intended to cause genuine fear. Oh my good God. So Radishul Islam. Oh my, I can't believe someone actually was late for a plane and went, shit. I just can't understand how that can be your go-to option, running late for something. Like, I might miss this what am i a bomb threat how's that like how's that option number one how is an option number one ringing the airport and going excuse me i'm running late here is there any chance this plane's going to be a bit late

or delayed because blah blah blah check it out you know what i mean see if there's another thing that might hold the plane back rather than hello could you imagine though if you did that on the same number hi I'm running really late

you know it's from like 0790 I'm running really late is the plane going to be on time yes sir it's definitely it's going to be on time here at EasyJet

we nearly always get away on time right the same number two minutes later hello do you think do you think rashid mate if you're muslim listen to this you're going what a fucking prick yeah your surname

is the name of our religion that already gets a ton of shit because of the 0.2 percent that are fucking assholes and he's gone yeah do you know what 0.2 that's a hyper that's a high number of muslims that you're throwing under the bus there you know 0.2 percent that's a lot of muslims you've just called terrorists no no bets Not beds. What I like, though, is if I was... Mr. Islam. Mr. Islam. What he actually said was,

there might be someone on board with a bomb. And that's always true. Technically. He didn't say, there's someone on board with a bomb. He said, there might be. So if I was being intelligent, I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, there might have been. I was just making sure you guys had checked that there wasn't.

This is not a good idea that we make sure no one with a bomb ever gets on a plane. I was just trying to help you out. I was late as well. You know when you were saying that, I can't believe that that was his first option. I can't think of another option. To be fair to Mr. Islam, I can't think of another.

If you're like, shit, I cannot miss. I'm going to get laid in Marrakesh. I think that adds to it that he's going to see his fiancée in Marrakesh. Does he not watch Friends? You ring up and you tell them there's something wrong with the left phalange. Remember that? Just do the reference. Yeah.

And this is why all people should hang out. Yeah. If more Moroccan Muslims watch Friends, they'd get all the references. Yeah. But darling, I had sex in Cricklewood, but we were on a break.

Do you think he put on a voice what when he rang up you think it depends on his accent doesn't it like we we don't know whether he's got a moroccan accent or whether he's actually just from north london he's like listen like yeah safe yeah listen bro there might be someone on a fucking plane with a bomb in it all right I'm just saying Just fucking check it man Yeah Maybe take like an hour There'll be a few Security right then Listen bro

What was it also What was the taxi driver Thinking He's in a fucking Uber You alright bro How you doing You alright Two seconds yeah

Can you just turn the video down Cheers mate Hello You got the check what if it was the taxi driver's idea he's like sweating in the back taxi driver's like what's wrong mate he's like i'm running late for this fucking plane and like by the time we get there there's only gonna be a minute he's like calling a bomb threat lad could you not go faster with our license call a bomb

for us in lab honestly they'll clear the plane off it'll take them at least an hour you'll be sad works all the time but definitely do more of a voice do you think they had a little practice

like just run run through it right what I'm gonna say is just say you know there might be a a bomb on the plane

and you should definitely delay the flight what cancel the flight no no no no no, no, no. Don't say that. Hello. It is me. No, no, no.

You don't want to do that. You want to be someone who might have just heard about it. So maybe a lady. Hello. There might be a bomb on the plane. Where did you hear this, madam? Don't know. Please do not call me.

I'm a concern. I have just heard the flight 208 to Morocco has a man on it and he might have a bomb. Maybe question him for 45 minutes. His name is Alan Smith.

Timmy Christian. Tyson, I was like Good one bro How long should we delay the flight for? Two seconds What's the ETA? What's the ETA? I'm going to be there in about 45

About 45 Minutes I'm just a helpless Timmy little lady who has links to international terrorists. For some reason I'm from the deep south of a little town. Oh lordy, lordy. It's so hot this time of

year in Cricklewood. Oh, the Cricklewood summer gives me the vapours. Eh, boss, there's a woman on the phone from Kansas. She says there's a bomb on the plane. Get everyone off! But it'll cost 30 grand.

Fucking Islam. Doing 16 months and then he got done for a 42 month sentence for unconnected money laundering offences. I understand having the idea, you know, of calling the bomb for a cent, but it's another thing to actually go through with it, isn't it? Just love the idea you know of calling the bomb to his end but it's another thing to actually go through with it isn't it just love the idea that he that he was just trying to do

it quietly so the taxi driver didn't hear him i'm just gonna make a call yeah uh there might be a bomb on the airplane so fucking put a delay what okay shit nothing What? Okay. Nothing. So, what's his full name? Rashidul Islam. Yeah, Rashidul Islam. I don't say his name with the accent. Rashidul Islam. Rather than Rashidul Islam. Rashidul Islam, you are our Twat of the Week, lads.

And we know you're a big fan of the podcast and we appreciate it can you get podcasts in prison? probably get everything else they have Sky don't they according to me get the Janet Smuggle

fucking heroin up your arse also an SD card mate I have a words got a new episode out it's right there next to the spice according to like

daily mail articles and stuff that get shared onto my Twitter timeline, like prison's like a five star holiday resort now. It's unbelievable.

They've got jacuzzis. They listen to podcasts. You get everything. You get sky. No, you can't. You can't. You can't. You can't get the

internet from prison. You can't. No, you can't. How can that be possible? What do you mean? Where are you getting it? Prison is less secure than the Big Brother house.

Yeah, but how are you fucking sticking an iPad up your booty? Like, I understand that... Can't they just give them them? They've got phones? Yeah. Have they?

No, they've got access to, like, computers and stuff. There was a lad I, like, grew up with who went to prison for a robbery. Yeah, but isn't that, like... Alright. That's like the library computer,

though, innit? Just the queue of inmates that's the biggest sign of a no wanky inmate get two minutes apiece yeah there was a lad I went to

like that I grew up with he went to he was a couple of years younger than me he went to prison for armed robbery and er good

just throwing that out there just throwing that out there just throwing that out there he's a nice lad though erm he's you know sometimes you get a bit skint and you need a bit of money don't you

so you rob a post office with a son of shotgun listen mate in the last episode you were talking about having a fucking boating a punting ride

round Cambridge University don't try and get all fucking Baltimore wire yeah me I just grew up round the guys and fucking blew two people's heads off

do you know out i mean but that's life that was like the role growing up jeremy came back from cambridge university everyone was dead go on sorry um yeah and he used to like i still had him on facebook and he just put like a status up every now and then like prisons fucking shit and then it'd be like prison sound again now I'm in prison I can't wait to get out actually it's alright I am absolutely gobsmacked that they're allowed

phones in prison I don't know whether he had a phone because it wasn't like he was updating like constantly but like every like week or so

there'd just be a new status or whatever he was never active on chat like I was never like never on me chat and seeing him there i love it how that's how addictive social media is that people even though they only get like three allotted minutes a week on the one shared computer at the prison they're still like what are you doing a big line of fucking inmates what are you what are you doing status update yeah you just copy and paste

it from the bloke before prison shit and i'm still in prison do you reckon you could handle prison like if you if you like are you fucking kidding like six months i'd be i'd kill myself that'd be dead i'm too beautiful honestly i just honestly i'm so starved i'd be i'd bum someone i'd be someone's bitch within i'm fucking i'm a wimp i can't fight and I shave my arse I'm in trouble I reckon you could use your crowd way comedy skills

who's drinking give me a sheet of your Vim before I don't come to where you're in prison and knock the cock out of your mouth that doesn't make sense

where did you learn to whisper at a maximum security facility fuck Where did you learn to whisper? At a maximum security facility? Fuck. Give me a cheer if you haven't been before. You sat at the front again. Rocky mistake.

I think I would be someone's bitch. I really do. I honestly think, I don't think I'd do well for it i just i'd worry what would be your tactic though to try and survive prison what would you how would you try and i just tell them i knew you and that you you know i know adam rowan he grew up with like a guy that you know shot nine people you know just growing up prove it well just he's got i've got six months and you're in a maximum security prison six maximum fucking hell

yeah in London yeah oh my god it's an away game yeah so you've been sent there

so visitation's hard no one knows you can't you can't name drop me it's not in fucking Walton lad pray think of the last thing

just before I got fucking dry humped in the showers like alright geezer you're in my fucking manner now what's your name boy

you look like a pretty little fucking white pebble I'd be like would you resist a bummer have you what like

in like Shawshank would you would you like be like no one's fucking bumming me or would you just

from day one be like I'm getting bummed here it's just gonna happen I'm just gonna get relaxed into it yeah I don't know

when in Rome I can't fight so what am I gonna do are they gonna go straight for bumming or is there gonna be a bit of intimidation

you think they're gonna take you out for dinner first are they gonna go straight for bumming? Or is there going to be a bit of intimidation? You think they're going to take you out for dinner first? Are they going to go straight for bumming? What do you think builds onto that? Kissing. Just wanking you off in the shower one day. It's like, second base. Me in the shower.

Don't go straight to bumming I think my tactic would be be pathetic I'd be like they're gonna go straight to bumming are they? I'm not a slag take me to the canteen first

that's so funny what in your head is the build up? I don't know. I'm a new, what, first day in prison, fresh me. Yeah. I thought they'd just, like, build up to it. With what, though?

Flirting. You want to share my shower yard? Maybe things have changed in prison as well things have changed in greater society you know now no means no maybe that works in prison yeah imagine that guys hey no means no and don't make me start a hashtag twitter when i get my five minutes of allotted internet time on wednesday yeah i think all rules including the the the way we deal with everything in the world

today is off the table. So I want to know your plan. I just get bummed, don't I? I don't even know if I'd fight it. Depends, you know. Just lens over in the shower, one after another. Oh no, not two! Oh, come on! I can take one bum in.

One a day. Is it going to be two? I reckon it's going to be several. What the fuck? I just wouldn't wash. That's the tactic. Talking about last week's episode. Don't wash.

Yeah, you can be a smelly cunt in prison. Oh, man. We just solved prison. Oh, sh... Yeah, you can be a smelly cunt in prison. Oh, man. Oh, I'd be... We just solved prison. Oh, just literally. Don't even... I don't even have soap. Never mind picking it up. My first status update would just be...

I get on my internet, my first prison status update, and I tag you in it. They go straight to bumming. I love the thought, though, of us getting a have a word submission from an inmate. The fucker landing the cell next to me stinks.

Tell him to have a word. The fit little fucker. Oh, twice of the week done. That was ridiculous. I loved it. What's happening, everyone? This is Adam Rowey. Just before we get into the half of words,

just a quick message to let you know I'm about to go on my UK tour. I'm coming to a lot of cities all over the UK over the next few months, and I'd love you to come and see us. There's tickets left for most shows. There's a couple about to sell out. I'm coming to Liverpool, Bridgewater, Leeds,

Birmingham, Chester, Glasgow, Aberdeen, Manchester, Blackpool, Bristol, Brighton, Maidenhead, Nottingham, Hull and Dudley. All between now and the end of April. You can get tickets at adamrowe.co.uk forward slash shows. That's A-D-A-M-R-O-W-E.co.uk forward slash shows. And I would love to see you there. Also, this week's podcast is brought to you by Prism Clothing. Prism Clothing is a Liverpool-based designer store for hoodies, T-shirts and caps.

If you've seen last week's teaser video, you'll have seen me wearing their blue Escape Mountain cap. They've sent me a few of their caps over the last year and they're really, really great. High quality, durable caps at ridiculously good prices head to prismclo.com to browse their store that's p-r-y-z-m-c-l-o dot com to browse their store, order some caps, order some hoodies

they're dead good, dead good quality and they're good friends of ours over there check them out, now it's time to have a wait adam and daniel i can't tell you how much i love this podcast please please keep making it forever well if you keep listening to it we will uh it's the highlight of me week at the minute also like it's a prison sorry go we can get it in prison we've covered this also can you have a word with my teenage son he's the one who introduced me to youtube so i'm sure he'll listen to this he's just turned 16 and he's doing his gcses this year however he's not putting any effort in when it comes to his exams

and revision and i'm worried he's not going to get the results he should get he's always been in the top classes at school and if he pulls his finger out he'll be on course to get a's across the board which he'll need to get into sixth form won't he he's he's not listening to me about how important these exam models are maybe he will listen to you thanks from diane in leeds you know my initial reaction it's it's the hardest to have a word ever and parents have got a nightmare doing it because he's obviously bright this kid like proper bright but he's also 16 and he's got that he's got the distractions happening yeah penises that he wants to put in vaginas or buttholes or mouths or neither maybe he's asexual we don't know but he definitely has

pubic hair right now yeah he's just distracted isn't he and um it's going to be really boring but one of my big regrets is i look back and i got an a four b's and five c's or something like that or six c's and i look back and that is really fucking poor for me. And it's because I did almost no revision. I did the coursework because someone was leaning on you. It's step by step. The coursework had to be in. So they were like, where is the coursework? And it was decent because I had the time to do it.

Then I got to that the summer. I didn't revise. It was beautiful. Like my memory of GCSEs, and it's probably the memory of everyone's GCSEs, is the best summer in recorded history yeah it's like you never remember a cloudy day no you just remember yeah everyone just like outside content you're like i'm coming in prison i wish i'd done more

revision because it does it it affects the next stage and then the next stage after that well i'm going to completely flip it and tell diane to chill the fuck out because i don't think gcses are as important as the make out well he doesn't need all a's to get into as soon as you read that i was like i'm not sure as long as he scrapes in like but is it going to be indicative of him not doing the work for a levels as well maybe i mean yeah so it is my opinion on it every exam you do as far as your degree before your degree every exam you do is literally just qualifying you to do another exam right so your gcses are just qualifying you to do your a Now, you will get into sixth form as long as you've got five A starter Cs. That's all you need.

Yeah. Right? Now, I was pretty much exactly the same as this kid. I was in all the top sets, and when it got to GCSE, I did fuck all work and still got quite ridiculous results, really. I got one over on me, religious educations.

Religious educations? Religious education. Teacher. Teacher um because i didn't do a lot of the intelligence has drained away gradually i got one over on me re person lesson giver speaky woman of religion um shouty smart lady she was shouty as well northern Irish bible bashing are you fucking kidding no she's now the head teacher

of the school as well mate the northern Irish should never shout because they already have the menace she was fucking terrifying let's learn about fucking Jesus

what about Hinduism fuck that learn about Jesus yeah literally we never had a single lesson on any religion other than Catholicism which is what this girl

it was Catholic studies really she was so fucking aggressive we had one whole lesson as well on you know the Black Eyed Peas song where is the love

we had a whole lesson on that song because apparently that's a prayer that mate it's a prayer that that. Mate, that is not in the national curriculum. It was

a carnalina, mate. Where is the love is a fucking prayer. I say fuck the curriculum. What is that? Curriculum. I can't even say that. It doesn't matter. I fucking love doing Nornayers. Listen, you little bastards. You fucking learn about Jesus.

I can't tell you how terrifying it is because you sound like it. Sorry, Lord. Who had a brilliant bit about having a French GCSE teacher? Oh, it was fucking Steve Chaniasky back in the day. He had an amazing thing about it. You can't have a Northern Irish French teacher because then you just learn French with a Northern Irish teacher.

Bonjour, oui. And bonjour, de, et. then you just learn French with an R and I was like, aujourd'hui, and bonjour de été. Ferme le port. Like, she'd, um, she'd never, she had like a...

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plus all the essential nutrients for sustained energy. Try Sperry and get 15% off at sperry.ca with code podcast 15 sperry trust nature like a switch my rdc chair it's like me when i'm drinking i go from being sober to hammered in half a pint of lager like i can have 10 pints and it's like adam doesn't even seem like he's being oh he's naked and he's on the table like literally like that there's a flick and she was like that she'd be quite calm she'd be like do your fucking work but she's that that that's it like just a constant tone of northern irish aggression just always the threat and she'd occasionally be like can you stop doing that please can you stop doing that please and then she'd snap and it was get out now get out now that's every lesson three or four get out now

and those kids would never see him from again if you got sent out of rd you left the school that was it you were dead to her and jesus um but i got one over on here because i did i did what so i think there was six pieces of course where he had to do for the GCSE and I did one and not the rest I was like

I can't be bothered Adam you're letting yourself down you're letting the whole school down on our alert and save you Jesus Christ she's like

it's basically impossible for you to pass this GCSE now because you've got no fucking coursework in she never swore but in my head she did you've got no fucking coursework in you stupid little swore, but in my head she did. You've got no fucking coursework in,

you stupid little fucking... You're a fucking disgrace. I don't even swear ever in life, and you're a wee cunt. I got a B, though. Look at you. I got, like, 94% on the exam, because it's all just, like...

It's a very easy exam to pass, so I got a B, and afterwards I went over to her, and I was like, Miss, I thought it was, like, impossible for us. You went over to her? Yeah, because, like... You are such a fucking badass. Because you literally, like, on the day you went to get, like,

your GCSE results, most of your teachers were there. I was like, Miss, but I thought it was impossible to pass. Well, you appear to have proven everyone wrong. Don't you, Adam? Yeah. You've won this one. You know what I had a RE teacher

called Boggy Whitmore who I think started teaching in about 1925 he was called Mr Whitmore Boggy Whitmore and there was a

rumour that went round was Boggy his first name or was that a nickname it was his nickname

you never knew a teacher's first name do you never remember that from school where one teacher accidentally called

a teacher by the first name, like, oh, sorry, Jane. And you were like, Mr. Malloy's called Jane, you motherfucker! So childish. We're at all boys' school, like, Boggy Whitmore. Anyone who went to Hutton

will literally hear that name around the mid-90s. Boggy Whitmore. And there was a rumour went round from the older kids that if you got him Talking about violins He'd stop the lesson And explain

All about their history And how to make a violin Because he was like Obsessed with violins We had a teacher With footy like that A substitute teacher Her name was Miss Murphy

And she'd just come in And like If you got her She'd come in and go 10th chapter 7 And if you got her Talking about footy The lesson was done I love stuff like that boggy ripmore's was amazing because you were like

it sounds like i'm making it up like how could that be real but this is like 1995 96 genuinely one lesson john lloyd fletcher who was like the funny cocky bastard in our class was like watch this lads really early on sir he was so good he was like really interested in how exactly you make a violin and i was like no no no we've got to get on with the lesson and he's like real genuinely sir got about 50 minutes of violin out of him and it was utterly fucking tedious and boring but it was fascinating because you're like this is legendary this is going to go down in history because we nearly did the full lesson in violins. And even though what he was talking about was like mind numbingly dull.

And he was like, this is how I talk. It was so boring. John Lloyd, it was so interesting watching John Lloyd at the back because he was like, yes, sir. That's amazing. What else? How do you, what's the wood made out of, sir? If you're really interested, Fletcher, let me tell you, it's a beautiful wood. 50 fucking minutes.

Amazing. This teacher just talked about football for you. Miss Murphy. See, that's interesting. She was a massive Liverpool fan, and she liked to act like she was in the know and knew about transfers and stuff. Right, right.

So if you were like, hey, miss, have you heard any rumours about the summer transfer window? She'd be like, actually, Michal about transfers and stuff so like if you were like hey miss have you heard any rumours about the summer transfer window she'd be like actually Michael Arteta and Tim Cahill are

actually both going to Man United in the summer so for all the fans in really sorry about that and how do you know about

that miss well my brother's dog gets walked by the fella who cleans the changes at the place next to Liverpool's training ground and

occasionally he listens in and he gives me all my info like it was just I think she still works there now she was like the one next to Liverpool's training ground and occasionally he listens in and he gives me all my info. I think she still works there now. She was like the one substitute that was like a constant at the school. You know, like a lot of substitutes

come into schools, don't they? And like, they're not always there. She was the substitute for our school. She was the social reviewer of your school. She came off the bench. Yeah, yeah. Every day she had stuff to do. And it was just

a school wide conspiracy Miss Murphy comes in just five minutes in fussy the whole didn't always work though

with Boggy Whitmore it didn't always work because if you try it again he's wise to it like sir tell us about no we are doing the lesson you're like oh fuck do you know

my missus Jade right so she's been doing substitute teaching for the past few months just going to like secondary skills And stuff and she's told the kids To call her Miss Ro so obviously we're not Even close to being married but it's because

Her surname is Laycock Oh my god And you can't be Miss Lay the Cock Can you? You can't have cock In your name you can't have Cock in your name if you're How old is she like 25? Yeah Can't be a 25 year old substitute teacher With cock in your name. You can't have cock in your name. If you're, how old is she? Like 25?

Yeah. Can't be a 25 year old substitute teacher with cock in your name. No. Miss Lakehouse. You've been laying the cock lately, girl. Miss Lake. I just,

the emphasis. Excuse me, Miss Lake. Cock. What? I said your name. I said your name. What, miss? Why are you crying?

I said your name. Tell her to put on a northern out listen you little bastards it's legal lay cock yeah do your revision lad

seriously just do summit no don't do summit do a little bit I didn't revise for the single GCSE I got an A star

seven A's a B and a C right so as long as you can get into a level and then you're willing to book your ideas up at a level fucking coast lad ignore your ma ignore dan no do it put it in third gear and just coast at 20 play 40 with your mates ignore what she's saying mate do a little bit though i know i know you can tell which one of us has got kids

just do a bit because honestly all i can remember from gc series is how to make violins so fucking beautiful i uh i've got another one do you want to do it yeah cool so i we didn't get that lad's name but to diane and leads thanks for your submission i'm sorry i didn't take it too serious um i hope he books his ideas up when he gets to a level but literally like if he's a clever lad he's getting into sixth form anyway don't worry about it that's have a word number one of the week dan you've got number two yeah hello there boys this is probably going to cause me a load of hassle but i need that's in that's emphasized to get this off my chest if it's okay with you i'm not going to actually use my mate's name in case she gets pissed off but

here goes my mate recently separated from her she gets pissed off. But here goes. My mate recently separated from her long-term partner boyfriend. They were together nearly 10 years. They were happy for maybe the first two or three of those. And frankly, it was a bit of a relief when they finally broke up last year. He wasn't an arsehole or anything. They were just not right for each other. They've been together since college and he's got a bit boring and never wanted to do anything.

It's caused problems and eventually she ended it. We were all really proud of her. It was the best thing. He's still boring and now she can be herself and have fun. Well, that's what we thought at the time. As soon as she was single and maybe actually a bit before then, she got into the online dating thing. She straight away got loads of attention as she is really pretty and has a good figure she got loads of messages from blokes and went on a few dates

and we were all really supportive but that was a while ago and now she's completely obsessed with it she's never off tinder she's never off her phone she's like a bloody teenager except she's not she's 28 if we go out or round to her house she literally can't drag herself away from the bloody thing even if we're watching a film it's constant and it's like she's addicted to it i thought it was funny at first seeing her new gallery of dick pics but now it's boring and she's the worst company help i want my friend back she's poor i know i've wimped out of saying her name, so this probably won't even get back to her.

I hope you read it, though. Please have a word anyway. And then, Adam, we are coming to see your show in Manchester. Can't wait. Love, Kate. Belter. Whoever your mate is, is getting herself some dick. She's just basically catching up on all the years, isn't she,

that she's lost to this bored and fucker of a lad who's fucked off. Yeah, and she's obviously, that's not the complaint though, is it? It's that she's just a phone addict. She's a fucking knob with the phone. I'm bad for that though. I'm not like, if I was to sort of have a word, yeah, I think I'd get battered when I get home if me missus listens to this because she has to tell me off so often for being on my phone yeah you're not that bad though because I've

we've we've been out for lunch and stuff we've hung out yeah and you don't you're not you never do my head in yeah like I like I I use the phone and and sometimes if you've got shit going on then yeah like it is hard to leave it but But I mean, this is, this sounds like, the line that got me is the, even when we're watching a film, what does she say? She can't drag herself away from the blue thing, even if we're watching a film.

That is bad, man. Yeah, it's not ideal. When someone's phone goes up, in a cinema, when I see a screen a screen oh my god i want to slap the phone out of it like me me and laura have to do like quarantine for the phone yeah if we're like we're watching a film because it's really annoying because even if it's in your periphery all you're thinking is they're not watching it yeah yeah oh it like the film thing really does resonate with me like if i i'm if i'm watching a film i'm watching

the film i don't want i want the lights off i want every distraction gone if my missus or like my dad's the worst for this like you're watching a film and he'll just go oh i was in diaz that earlier and i'm like dad shut the fuck up for an hour and 46 minutes. You're not allowed to start telling a story while there's a fucking Oscar-nominated story being told. Yeah, and sometimes when I lived with my dad, I'd be watching a film, and my dad would start talking to our Jack across the room, and I'd go, Dad, shut up.

You don't fucking own this house. If I want to have a conversation, I'll have a conversation. And I was like, Dad, you can do that, but just say to me, pause the film. No, I don't have to fucking tell you to do anything but just say to me pause the film no i don't have to fucking tell you to do anything it's my fucking so annoying you can't interrupt films and don't talk in the cinema because it's fucking it's the worst type of country yeah and just put your phone like whatever's going on on your phone if you've gone yeah let's watch a film yeah if you

can't get your way from it just don't say no i can't watch the film let's just watch something like if love island's on and you're fucking on your phone that's different in it it's but the film i think this is annoying though when people go it's it what she's talking about is the obsessiveness of like we're all which literally said we were all there for her and like supportive yeah and now like she's talking about last year it's a while ago she's just constantly constantly constantly tinder tinder tinder tinder i could see how that would be really fucking annoying i'm trying to get better with my phone like if i go if me and my

missus walk the dog now i leave my phone in the house so that while without walking i'm in a charter i've got no temptation to go on it at all. I think, although obviously we're a comedy podcast and we're trying to take the piss, this is a serious thing. So many people are just fucking slaves to their phone. And I get it. I'm not like totally on the side of people like, oh, these young people on their phones,

like phones are amazing. Let's just talk. Like, it's not just a phone anymore. There's so much stuff you can do with it. It's a computer, a phone, everything you could possibly need. It's a clock. there's so much stuff you can do with it it's a computer a phone everything you could possibly need it's a clock it's a shop it's pornography it's your admin it's work like of course you're you're addicted to it it it makes sense to be on it a lot but you do need a phone quarantine time especially when you're hanging out with your mates especially if you haven't seen them for a while and they've supported you through this boring fuck i do

has jibbed off now you've gotta gotta gotta go turn it off don't get distracted by it i have a lot of my notifications off now my facebook messenger and my whatsapp i don't get a notification for at all so unless i actively go to the app so you go and check him yeah so every few hours i'll go right i'll check my facebook message see if anyone's messaged me just in case but like i'm quite bad for if i get a text or an email i read it and reply to it immediately yeah and if policy but it's not because when you do what we do for the living and you've got a combination of your comedy mate to one advice and you've got your mates from school

who are trying to catch up and you've got promoters trying to get you for gigs. There's promoters trying to confirm you for gigs for this week and there's promoters sending you feedback from the gigs the week before. There's people chasing you to send an invoice. Sometimes you need to let things roll a little bit. That phone can go off every 10 minutes

for an entire day sometimes. If it's a busy day like on Monday when everyone's getting back and they're getting all the work done so i've had to just turn it all off and i go right there's a few hours a day where i just don't even yeah because it's not in my head i'm not like oh i need to check whatsapp it don't it only happens when but like i'm quite bad if i check a whatsapp message i'll then go oh check my twitter and my facebook and my instagram as well do you do the same loop i always do the same loop and then and then i'm on my literally i'm on my internet banking going like the fucking manchurian candidate i'm like i didn't even want

to check this internet but it's sort of in my little loop on my phone like uh the problem is what you described is a lot how a lot of people are i think it's it's it's more when you're self employed as a comic because laura sometimes go do you need to be on your phone and i'm like this genuinely i have to be honest about it because you could be a dick about i have to be like it's work yeah because work is coming through and like there's a forum for comedians and work gets offered and some promoters are idiots with it they've got a gig in five months they post straight away and the first person who replies gets the gig and literally

ten minutes later they're like that's sorted now and you're like you fucking moron why don't you just wait a day one day

you've got five months you could have had an amazing comedian i.e. me if you'd have just waited two hours so it'd just become quite addictive

imagine adding tinder onto that could have had an amazing comedian i.e. you but you ended up with a shit one i.e. you, but you ended up with a shit one, i.e. Come on, Dan.

Who might get a headline sponsor comedian who you think shouldn't? I'm not playing that fucking game. Adam. Adam. You're trying to get one over on me? How good would it be, though, if we could just have a section every week

where we just slag a comedian i've just won a week what about promoters like freddie quinn who the fuck is that guy i don't want to slag promoters um but by the way just a little side note please do keep tweeting at freddie quinn with who the fuck is that guy it's really really really um fun for us because um the more people that do it, the more it's winding them up. Yeah, and it'll be annoying because his phone will be going off and he's trying to answer gigs faster than anyone else.

I do think a lot of it is also... Freddie could be the face in the inbox and they'd be like, I'll wait a day. Gigs tomorrow, but I'll give it 20 minutes. We slag Freddie off a lot, but we actually do really like him. Who the fuck is that guy? Don't say that. It ruins ruins the fun of it it's just that fun though isn't it

um what bullying yeah it's great i he's not here i think yes that's the best type of bully i think it's all all of the phone stuff is self-perpetuate you if you force yourself to just chill out it's not like you're like oh god i can't function it the more you go in the more you put into social media the more you have to to, you interact with it. You can just take a break. I get it though. She's single. She wants to meet someone. And that's not even getting into the right or wrong of internet dating. Cause I think it's a fucking weirdly artificial world that can work out, but can cause a load of hassle. But she does need to learn to go right hang on i'm with my mates just put the fucking phone down for a bit what are you looking at another knobhead on tinder just

because you could you you could lose mates like someone's emailing in bitching it's obviously and this is a nice person because she's not gone for the jugular yeah just named her yeah she's not like properly slagging it off. And, look, we get it. We're trying to have a way with people, and we understand that sometimes they're being dead annoying and you don't want to cause beef. But the person who's writing, what's her name? Is it Katie?

Kate. Kate. So, Kate, what I would say is be brave with this and speak to your mate about it, but you've got to do it in a nice way, which I imagine from your email is exactly how you do it. You go, look, like we said with the stinky woman last week, you've got to pull them to one side and go,

look, a few of us are talking about this. It's getting a bit much. Like when you're with us, you're on your phone too much. And we don't want to see another dick. We're dicked out. Did you ever said dick pics?

Only when asked for them. What a gentleman but like there's a lot of lads who just like are just like in an inbox aren't they like look at this

and mine's not impressive enough yeah they're cold calling yeah you can't I haven't got a cold call level dick if I had

has anyone yeah if I had an absolute chopper like a fucking eight and a half inch pipe I'd be sending you'd have it

to everyone on my phone ping it'd be my profile picture while my daughter's on YouTube something pops up and they push notifications

daddy daddy never mind about that stop crying stop crying back on YouTube but yeah like if if I was getting flirty with a girl and she was like Stop crying. Stop crying. Back on YouTube. But yeah, like if I was getting flirty with a girl and she was like,

send me a video. I was pre-dick pic generation. Plus I've not got, mine's not a showroom dick. Yeah, I've done some. Mine's one of the cars that's in the car park. You know the garage?

There's like the fucking, they're all shiny and beautiful in the actual. Yours is the one hidden behind the big Woo The big flappy wavy inflatable guy Right round the corner It's just a smart car

Just tucked in Looks a bit About 120,000 miles It's got two Russians around it going It's not good It's all fucking sore Why are you bruised on the side? If you were single tomorrow like if it all

fucks off right laura lee yeah yeah yeah yeah right and you've been texting the girl for a bit and she was like snapchat now right i'd be like well i'd have to download snapchat because i'm 39 in a month you fucking silly child and she sends you a video and and she's just playing with her for JJ, and she's like, I want to see you spit on your hand and wanking off on Snapchat. I'm out. Really? You know why?

Why do I want to see... This girl's a nine, though. A nine? She's not nine. She's a nine. She's a nine. She's a nine. She's 32, fit as fuck,

banging to comedy. It's all lining up. Love it. So she's in nine... She's 32, fit as fuck, bang into comedy. Yeah. It's all lining up. Love it. So she's a big... She likes you. She's into comedy. She's been listening to the podcast for a while. You're describing my wife.

Go on. Yeah. No, but she's gone. Laura's gone. Laura's gone. Fit as fuck. Hashtag gone too soon. She's like...

I've got the life insurance. Yeah. Yeah. This is literally one of my fantasies. Libido. Exactly the same as yours. Oh. Like when you... Once every two weeks. Yeah. I life insurance. Yeah. This is literally one of my fantasies. Libido, exactly the same as yours. Once every two weeks. I like it.

Yeah. And she... She's a nine, but she's lazy. Does she like NFL? She's a fucking Saints fan. Oh, my God. She's got shares in the New Orleans Saints. She's got two season tickets at Watford. Oh, come on.

Yeah, go on. Keep talking, Adam. This is literally getting me around Watford that oh come on like oh yeah go on keep talking Adam this is literally getting me around come on come on what does she want

a picture of my dick she loves Chester she's happy to live in Chester you've got the house she doesn't mind Preston so she doesn't mind being there for a couple of days so you can see

your families and that love it big Watford fan family are full of Watford fans season tickets right in the like casually racist podcast or always go on and she has asked you to send a video of you having a little play with your penis oh she sounds great you know obviously i'm still mourning the loss of my wife

but um try and just put a finger up get out of the way you're doing it got a little pokey bum wank oh I'm out what? I'm out

I'm not sticking a finger up my bum on the why? because this sounds like this is too good to be true now do you know what? do you know what happened? you're like where's the cameras?

I'd be like this as soon as my finger went up and I literally heard the screenshot happen on the other side of the on the line Do you know what happened? You're like, where's the cameras? I'd be like, as soon as my finger went up, and I literally heard the screenshot happen on the other side of the line. Can you hear it? Was that a screenshot? And then I'd be like, mate.

Have a word, podcast comedian in pokey bum wank shame. I'd realize it was Freddie Quinn and he'd been fucking catfishing me. Who the fuck is that guy? The guy that I'm wanking over. He'd be a comedian that made me stick a finger up my bum. No, but it's not though. You've met this girl.

It's real. And she just wants a video of a Pokemon wanker getting her off. I would do it begrudgingly. I don't know how you can do it begrudgingly. I'd be grimacing like,

you've done this to me. Fucking hell. This is because you like the NFL. Right, what was the hover with? Just tell it. Tell this bitch to get off Tinder and stop making me finger myself. You don't have to get off Tinder,

but I think you just have to restrict yourself like a couple of hours a day. You can have a few swipes and a few chats, but then you get off it. Anyone you're really interested in, get their phone number. There you go.

But when you meet your mates, off your phone. Yeah. And if you're really interested in, get their phone number. There you go. But when you're with your mates, off your phone. Yeah. And if you're watching a film, commit to the film and shut up. This is everyone. This isn't just her, mate. It's everyone.

Just not be a bellend with your phone. What else is he in? Isn't he in that thing? I don't give a fuck. It doesn't matter if he's a different character and a different thing. I just need to know. And stop making me finger myself in imagination.

Awful. is that for me yeah it's really I don't like I don't like bum plates dirty you know you can't point right for ages

like oh it's a dirty point which way's the post office that way let's get next ever word off your phone next one

third and final have a word of the week this is a good oneness i'm excited about this excited to hear your opinion on it daniel and adam i hope you see this uh i've got a mate like we will email this mate like we haven't got a filter that this fizzes through this this came in a message in a bottle it just washed up off crosby this cut needs to use his phone more daniel and adam i hope you see this i've got a mate who's 35 years old he's got two kids and he still collects football stickers it's not only that he collects them but he's got his own sticker book and he doesn't let his kids touch it his two lads collect

them too and he treats them as if they're two other collectors and not his fucking children last week he got a shiny on swap now most adults in that situation would give it to one of their kids wouldn't they no he's kept it for now because they haven't got any swaps that he needs he buys his kids four packets of stickers each every week but he gets himself about 10 every fucking day it's a joke have a word with him before his missus ends up leaving and taking the kids and the stickers with her that's from anthony i love it mate i've got no sympathy for any grown man with two kids that is still collecting paninis like a fucking bellend. Really not.

No? No. You're into collections and that? Do you not collect anything? I am, but I just think once you've got two children like, Daddy, Daddy, can I have a new hoodie? No. Because I've got my stickers to get

although having said that it would be really sometimes I fantasise about being in a shop and having a kid with a 50 this sounds really bad I shouldn't have said fantasise being in front of all the sweeties like in a McColls with 50p going what can I buy for 50p

and me just using like 132 quid to just fucking empty a mass and just be like, just look at him in the eye and be like, this is what I can do. Because I'm a fucking grown up.

Just to fuck him up. Your fantasy is to bully, financially bully children in the local area. Just to be like, just imagine that, like, can I have this one pack

of football stickers and me just be like just take the whole box and be like pow put it on the credit card or not that one it's the joint account

why have you spent 79 quid on paninis to prove a point love I I occasionally do collect some fuzzy stickers still I'm 28 now

what do you mean occasionally like I don't do the Premier League but I do the World Cup. World Cup I'll get like a sticker book and try and fill it. Last year I got the sticker book and I just bought a box. Thinking if I buy the box I'll have all the stickers in it.

Did you buy the whole box? Yeah. I went to the shop and went have you got a full box back there? And he was like yeah. Did you do it in front of a child? Yeah. They're still talking about you. Do you remember that guy? There was a millionaire in the post office. Hey, mister.

Hey, mister. How many shinies did you get? 109. Fuck off. Do you know what? I'm not even going to stick them in. I'm just going to put them in the fucking bin, but you can't have them, can you?

I love collecting some stickers, but fucking hell, lad, you've got to give spare shinies to your kids he's kept a shiny what a bellend because they haven't got any swaps just mate I get it I get it I know you like it

and it's from your past I feel the same about Warhammer if you've ever said this out loud kids kids away from the battle scene! The Blood Angels and the Ultramarines are not toys! They fucking are, Dad. Did you used to do Warhammer? Yeah, when I was 13.

Yeah. Do you not collect anything now? Let me have a think. Podcast equipment? What do I collect? No, I don't collect anything. No no i started a collection of ukuleles and then realized i just i only need one ukulele why would you need more why would you ever want more than one because i started playing the ukulele about 10 years ago it was really fun

and they're like oh that one's a nice one oh that one's a nice one then i had four ukuleles then i got shit face and sat on one and I tell you what the sadness you know what you get I used to get blackout drunk this was about 8 years ago I spent 150 quid on a beautiful

Hawaiian Lanikai tenor ukulele it was a little beaut stunning got hammered I'd left it on the bed

I'd just been twanging around left it on the gone out got shit face came back hammered and just sat down heavily,

right onto the ukulele, and obviously went, what the fuck was that? And, like, pushed it onto the floor, woke up hungover. You know that shame and regret you get from a hangover? Try seeing a dead instrument on the floor, you're like, oh, God, I've got to stop drinking so much. I think, you know, that's the same feeling as when

someone's murdered the spouse like oh god i got too drunk this time and i was like i need to just have one ukulele you think sitting on a ukulele gives you the same emotional reaction as murdering a spouse ballpark but yeah ballpark how drunk do you have to be to murder a spouse and then go to sleep? Finally! Finally, a bit of peace and quiet. Still covered in blood. Wake up in the morning.

Leon! Oh, shit. I fucking killed her, didn't I? I was just getting a takeaway first. I need a Lucozade. Oh, God. I collect alcohol. That doesn't count, Adam.

Why not? I keep it in my tummy. No. I don't drink it. And it goes in here. Why do you keep it in your collection? In my mouth. It's a really childish way of saying I'm an alcoholic.

I collect alcohol. No, I collect, like, whiskeys and gins and rums and that, and I've got, like, a big collection in my house. Oh, okay. I'm building, like, a little bar. Yeah. If this podcast goes from strength to strength we'll see how that develops as a problem i might kill my wife you might be dead cirrhosis

of the liver jade's always like why do you need so much alcohol and i was like what if people come around i want to be able to offer them exactly what they want she was like we've got three visitors a year you still have the alcohol in the in the bottle you don't just collect the bottles you've got an actual yeah i've got like a bar like i haven't got a bar but i've got enough alcohol to fill one you see why i don't think that's that bad because if i came around and you were like dan have you tried this beautiful butter but scotch snaps or something i just remembered a drink from back in the day scotch snaps i scotch snaps. I haven't got that. Right.

But look at you like in your head like that's one to get. But like something like oh just something different like a watermelon vodka or something you know like

I'd be like well this is an unusual thing to collect. Yeah. And in half an hour I'm going to feel really good about it. Yeah.

If I went around to yours you're like yeah yeah we haven't got any beers in but I've seen this from World Cup 94. Fastino Esprilio Shiny. if I went round to yours you were like yeah yeah we haven't got any beers in but have you seen this from World Cup 94 Fastino Asprilia Shiny I'd be like

you're a fucking child grow up I have actually got Fastino as well have you really no imagine Fastino

oh honestly did they check for cocaine in World Cup 94? I played against Tino Asperia, you know. What are you even saying to me? In a charity game, I played against Tino Asperia. What?

Yeah. You know, Kai and Gav who run the Punch Drunk gigs up in Newcastle? When they were doing that. So a few years ago, I did a charity boxing match because they did a big boxing event to raise money for this kid who had cancer and they were trying to send them to america to get to the treatment and then the second fundraising thing they did they put a charity footy match on against a team of ex-premier league players against a load of comedians oh my god they got tino esprit to play for the ex-premier league players and I had to mark him. Was he good? He's a bit fat and not as good anymore,

but they were so much better than us. Like, even these old Premier League players just are keeping the ball. Like, you just couldn't get the ball off them. Like adults, do you ever kick around at a wedding, and it's like three adults stick about 42 kids, and the three adults are just not running, beer bellies, just pinging it great

touch and these kids are just fucking flying around like wasps i love that shit it was almost exactly like that like there's a video of like um 100 kids playing against three players like like 106 years old japan yeah yeah and the three players beat them because the kids are just ball magnets so one one pro player just goes and stands in space and they just kick it to him. In space. With Tino Esprit, it was my job to mark him. So he kept trying to just wind me up. There was a full stand full of people

who'd paid to watch this game as the fundraiser. And he kept just pretending to start a run and I'd shit myself because I wasn't looking at the ball. I was just looking at him. I was like, so he goes and runs and I'd be like, ah, just dabbing me off. I wasn't looking at the ball, I was just looking at him. I was like, so he goes and runs, and I'd be like, ah! Just having me off. Mate, I would pay so much money to just watch you and Tino Esprilia fuck around on a bit.

It's almost like, you know when you're trying to imagine stuff, and you're like, even imagining being bummed in prison was less confusing to my mind than you stood next to Tino Esprilia, you and your fucking shorts. I'll give you the photo of it. I've got a photo of the game. In short, you can collect what you want, but as long as your kids have got food,

you're fucking nana. It's not even that. Do some swaps. Well, I'm just worried. Give your kids your swaps. Yeah. You're buying 10 packets a day. You're going to fill the fucking box.

Trust me. I'm going to find, I'm going to try. Do you know what? I've been looking for something for here, just behind me in the studio. I've been looking for something. I'm going to get Tino Esprilia.

I want a picture of you and Tino right there. That's it. Should we call it a pod, mate? I've really enjoyed that one. We should call it a pod. Is that six? Episode six? Five, I think.

No, that's six. Oh, because five goes out today. Today or tomorrow. Yeah, because we're recording this a week in advance. Again, thank you all so much for listening in every week. The downloads have been great. All we want you to do is keep spreading away for us. Put the link in your WhatsApp

groups. Tell your mates, hey, I'm listening to this new podcast. It's dead funny. It really helps us. A big help for us would be to go to i if you especially if you listen on apple podcasts slash itunes leave us a five star review and it's better if you leave a five star view with some words as well because they get seen more so if you put five stars and like i really enjoy this keep making it anything like that really really really helps podcast do it in a northern irish accent i fucking love it And more importantly as well, keep getting these questions into us.

If you've got a twat of the week, get it in. If you've got a would you rather, get it in. If you've got a school rumour, get it in. And the big one, if you've got anyone you need us

to have a word with, get it in to haveawordpod at gmail.com or any of the social medias for me, Dan, or at haveawordpod on Instagram and Twitter. And we will read it.

Lads, we're off. See you later. I want that picture of you and Tino. It's coming. Jesus Christ. Let's face it. Most meal replacements are rough, unsensitive stomachs. Not Sperry.

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