Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #61 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 1, 2020

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Pause the pod here. Go and do that now and then enjoy the episode. Nice one. See you in a bit. Fucking did it in one take, bro. Yeah, man. Now,

I'm getting the word not. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Catch me outside, how about that? I'm big-boned. I'm heavy-structured. I'm hung low.

If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting! Follow us on social media at Have A Word Pod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod. They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Don't be a Tory.

Down your tub or shandy and tell a friend. This is Have a Tory. Down your turbo shandy and tell a friend. This is Havawad. Ding dong! Ding dong! Hey, sorry about that. I'm recording, by the way. It's fucking Jimmy Rolls, isn't it? Cool. I just got a call from a fencing guy.

It's why we're trying to get a fence sorted because we have two very fucking large dogs that live next door and my daughter is mouth height. Her head is mouth height. And they're like, they are so gentle. I'm like, yeah, but they are both fucking massive. So I would like, they do seem sound and i'm not even like i'm not even i quite like them they're nice dogs but i'd like a better fucking fence i could jump that fence

and they could jump me so what the fuck are we doing um so that was uh that guy trying to get some fucking lockdown dollar how are are you doing, Adam? How are you doing, Achid? I'm all right. Oh, he's not having a good day. It's not a good one. He's not having a great day. I can feel it.

I'm just a bit fed up, lad. Yeah, repetition's kicking in. Just a bit fed up. Everything's the same apart from, oh, the world's on fire. So, yeah, I'm just a bit fucking bored of it all. You know what I mean? You know when you just have a nose debt and it's been like two or three days in a

row now where I'm just a bit... Yeah, and also you've been building up to that special. Yeah, and... And then you've got that out. Yeah, and I've been kept busy by that because I'm still making the little clips that are going to go out on social media and stuff.

And we've had nearly 10,000 people have watched the special, which is Phenom Numbers. This early on in the release. You know what I mean? So I had a few targets in my head. I had a few targets in my head. I wanted to see 5,000 views on the first day,

10,000 within a week, and 20,000 within a month. That's what I set as a target. We're just under 10,000 already, so we should smash through that 10,000 in a week target, and then we'll move on to 20,000. I'm putting these little clips out from it, but the response has been ridiculous

as good as the response we had to this podcast it's just a barrage of positive comments loads of important people sharing it and watching it and yeah so if you have watched it and especially if you've shared it as well thank you very much if you haven't watched it yet

you're fucking dead to me alright, dead, gone you've got a two week window and then after that yeah go and check it out, it's doing well and if you do enjoy it just spread the word for me text your mates and say hey check this out

if every single person who watches it does that then we'll be on 20,000 within a fucking week kid have you felt a little bit knackered from it because it's been a lot of work hasn't it have you felt like I mean when people hear this they'll be like what the fuck do you mean knackered

you're like yeah we get it it's not building a fucking wood cabin in the forest it is a bit knackering, isn't it? It can be, but it hasn't been. That's not sort of why I'm a bit sort of slumped. I'm just a bit fucking bored of everything being so shit,

and it just seems like getting worse. We started 2020 with what looked like World War III. Then Australia was on fire. Then there's a pandemic that's killed everyone. And now civil war started in America and it's just fucking like what when are the aliens going to

turn up and just take us over? Because I feel like that can only be a maximum of two or three months away now. Do you know what I mean? What if they came with the cure for COVID? They were like, listen, we are your alien overlords. You're going to have to basically be enslaved to us, but we've got the cure for COVID,

so on your one night off a month, you can go and see live comedy. Stupid humans. What was that voice? Stupid humans. We are aliens Robots from Hollywood in the 1970s We are slightly racist Borat robot aliens

Oh Adam yeah I feel it I feel it a little bit I think it's This is weird I genuinely think it's worse if you've got a fucking social life. I think it's, I think that's going to have an effect. If you, if you're where I'm at, you're like, yeah, it is fucking repetition, still got a kid, still, you know, just dicking around doing the same thing.

I think a lot of people who are like, I would like to go and live the fucking life I was living. Like, we are, we're missing out on some stuff. Yesterday we went for a walk around a reservoir in Staffordshire, which was fucking weird to be out of Chester. To be out of Cheshire was mental. Little things like that. Laura's going back into work tomorrow, which is fine. So things are sort of creeping back,

but yeah, I've noticed a lot of my mates, no one's like fuming, no one's in shock anymore. Everyone's just getting that like, ah, for fuck's sake. But that weirdly doesn't mean, I mean, there'll be people hearing this and going, yeah, but it doesn't mean everything should be fucking lifted just because of boredom you're like yeah

that's true as well isn't it it's a careful fucking it's got to be a careful process that I'm sure the Conservative Party will deal with wonderfully say goodbye to your loved ones I am yeah I do think lockdown is being lifted a bit early but

I'm now at the point where I think I've decided I'm going to just take a bit of a social media break. I think I'm just going to let it fucking chill for a bit because I spend hours every day scrolling and promoting stuff. So I think over the next sort of I don't know week or so I'm going to put a couple of stand up clips out from me special to drive people towards it and then maybe like

I'll give myself four times a day where I'll go on check a couple of things quickly retweet the odd bit of praise do what I need to do to get people but I think I'm just there's no positivity there at the minute and i think i just need to take a fucking break from it because it's just

awful and me looking at it is not making anything any better so yeah you know what's difficult there is there is there is some positivity but when there there is a Black Lives Matter protest and so much upset in America and beyond America about George Floyd's fucking murder, the positivity just comes across as twee, doesn't it? You're like, when someone's like, well, there's always, and you're like, oh, shut up. I know, it's only just fucking happened. Like, it's literally just happened. And this anger will come in a wave.

And then it's a natural response for some people to be like, but what we've got to remember is there is love in the world. And here's a picture of a black officer holding hands with a white child. And I don't know if it's a paedophile. He could be a paedophile, but that's not the point. He's not kicked her head in, and so it is a positive, isn't it? Yeah. It just almost doesn't feel like the right time for that.

It's almost like it feels like you want the anger, but then the anger has an effect on you. You're like, oh, fuck, I'm going to bed fuming, and I'm waking up fucking fuming it's why i've stopped promoting me special already so i promoted it all day friday and then saturday morning i woke up and did a bit more and then i was retweeting the odd bit of thing that people were sending me but it was sort of late saturday in the uk that it started filtering through how bad things have got over in America. And then all day yesterday and all day today.

And I'm just, I feel like I was going to put a standup clip out on Sunday yesterday. That was my plan. Put the special out Saturday, put like my favorite clip from it out on a Sunday. And hopefully that drives more people towards it. And then I was like, at the minute, who the

fuck wants to sit and watch me talk about fat rights and whether fat people need to shut the fuck up for it? Like no one gives a shit at the minute. It's going to look weird in a feed innit? It's going to look weird in the feed. Like just fucking, this guy

this prosecutor says this and this police officer said this and this murderer adam rowe i tell you what it's just fucking insane i just can't bring myself to do it so can i can i tell you something funny right your twitter is a different twitter than mine now i've i've i know i what adam's feeling now about three years ago I had a massive wave of this, and I was like, social media is not doing me good. It's making me into the kind of comic who we know, who just literally is embattled and, like, jealous and annoyed about everything and, like like snarky i was like i don't want to fucking be that guy i'm not that guy it's very hard because you can't control the tone of what you see you get addicted to picking up your phone fucking murder fucking women's rights

you know there's poverty everywhere and i tell you what i think's a cunt and you're like oh i was in a good mood and then someone's slagging someone off. So I unfollowed a lot of it. And I know there's an element of like that sort of sticking your head in the stand. But I still use the Twitter news feed. And I still go looking for stuff. I just don't give up the control of my timeline. But since we've started a joint Twitter, the Have A Word Twitter, I'm using that just as much.

And Adam adds things to that that I wouldn't usually add. I'm fucking out. Because it's a limited following, we have got, at the moment, it's fucking mental. We've got just these are some of the people that tweet a lot. We've got Louisa Omelan, who is a friend of ours, a good mate of mine. We've been on the phone recently a lot. We've got Louisa Omelan, who is a friend of ours, a good mate of mine. We've been on the phone recently a lot.

She's very politicized. She used to be just straight comedy, really, and when her first show came out, what would Beyonce do? It was very young women taking control. And now she's very angry and politicized in a lot of the way she tweets. So comedy's still very funny. So we're following that.

And then you've got people like Dane Baptiste popping up and he's obviously a black comedian. He lives in London and he is fucking politicised and angry about Black Lives Matter. I've then got, just as contrast, the Redmen TV. I mean, repeatedly reminding me that Liverpool won the Champions League exactly a year ago and then we've got

Olaf Falafel doing his fucking art club and I'm telling you what it's not that it's all depressing it's mental that Twitter feed

is mental it's like people are dying Liverpool fucking nailed it here's a picture from Pablo Picasso I'm like

mate this this Twitter feed's making me fucking mental and then someone going hey adam i fucking love the special and you're like what is going on i could see why you'd want to tone that shit down a bit yeah i'm just gonna i'm gonna give myself like a new rule when i get up I'll check my emails and my texts but I'm not checking my social media for like at least two hours, I'm just not going to touch my phone and then I'll have like

ten minutes where I check it there, ten minutes later on, whatever I'll keep on top of it, I've still got to put a few things out because this is how we make our living and shit but yeah, it's just a bit too fucking eggy at the minute. And I wanted to...

We spoke earlier because we obviously talk a lot off pod as well about what we want the podcast to be. And we felt it was important that because we offer an opinion on everything on this fucking thing, because that's what we are, opinionated comedians,

we couldn't ignore what's going on now but we also I think it's important we say we're going to say, I'm certainly going to say what I'm going to say and you say whatever you want and then we'll draw a line on the commenting on this because first of all we're two white lads in the

northwest of England whose life is largely unaffected by racism. We just want to make it clear, I certainly want to make it clear that what side I'm on. But after that I'm not going to mention this again because the same way I need to put my social media down at the minute, I'm sure there's fucking hundreds and possibly thousands of

people listening to this podcast who feel exactly the same and we want this podcast to be a fucking escape. Our podcast has become successful because it's utter fucking nonsense, stupid, funny bullshit. That's what our listeners like, and we want that

to be why people are coming to us. Not to hear constant social commentary because it's just a bit too fucking everywhere at the minute. We've always been honest about when stuff's come up, when the shutdowns happen. And I think people listen to this like the up when the shutdowns happen and I think people listen to this

like the podcast they like us and I don't I think it would be disingenuous if we were dodging everything because we're like

oh come on Adam we've just got to do the shtick you know that's our shtick we've been honest about everything but we've never banged on about

the shutdown I know I've had messages of mates going mate it's so refreshing to listen to your podcast because every other pod they're just obsessing with Corona and the shutdown I know I've had messages of mates going, mate, it's so refreshing to listen to your podcast because every other pod,

they're just obsessing with Corona and the shutdown. And we talked about it. And then we just talked about other stuff as well. We've never pondered on something too much. When it comes to Black Lives Matter, you're like, as a white guy living in fucking Cheshire, I don't think the world's going, tell you what, let's tune in to have a word

and find out what Adam and Dan definitely think about. Do you know what I mean? And I say this before you say what you're saying, especially when it comes to my village, and this is in support of all the black people and BAME people and anyone from an ethnic minority who has suffered at the hands of police brutality. I'll tell you this,

if we ever get a black person in this village i i will make sure he's not being up by the police and i'll say that i mean we'd have to get some police here as well but that's not the point if sorry go on i've just been a dick um so i i've basically tweeted the exact same thing i'm about to say and I'm sure most people have already seen it, but I want to use any little platform I've got to say this. I think what's going on in America, and we have just the same racial disparity over here, it's just that in America they have more power, more weapons, everything. I refuse to condemn the rioters and the losers and everything in America because if this horrible moment

in history, which is what it will become, leads to black people not getting murdered in the streets anymore by police then it's worth it and that's the bottom line for me. I've never been profiled by the police based on the colour of my skin. I

don't know what it's like to go out every day. And every time I see a police car, wonder whether I'm about to be killed. I can't possibly understand that. I don't understand that. So everyone who does feel like that, I can't say you can't act that way to get the rights you feel you deserve when I don't know how they're feeling or what they've gone through in their

life. So I'm not going to do it I think it's time for change and that change should be brought around with any means that they deem necessary, I'm not saying I'm not encouraging anyone to go writing, I'm not encouraging anyone to go

looting, I'm not encouraging anything what I'm saying is if people feel like that is their last resort then I refuse to condemn it, that's all I'm saying is if people feel like that is their last resort then i refuse to condemn it that's all i'm saying yeah i wonder if it's i wonder if the looting element is just once that seal's broken by a few dickheads who aren't genuinely going out there fully with the intent of protesting and making a stance i wonder what if that once that first target is smashed into if if it's like man the barrier's gone and then

everyone's like oh it's part of the protest was it the blue paper in it yeah because because we've i think we've seen the twitter videos of protesters in cities a day or two down from Minneapolis, like in Boston and in different cities, standing in front of shops going, don't, don't fucking do that, because then we lose some of the moral high ground. As soon as you do that, they get to just paint you with a brush going, they're thugs.

And they're just, there's some fucking amazing pictures of that, like that white woman just walking out of a smashed up target with some shit under her hand you're like oh don't think that's a protest think you're just going gonna get some steely steals the best one was the asian woman who walked out with a full cheesecake did you see that a cheesecake factory got broken into and she just fucking danced out of there with a full cheesecake on a plate. Like, really calmly.

She had a mask on. She had... I don't know whether it was a hudup or, like, a niqab or a burger of some sort. But, yeah, she just bounced out with, oh, I've got myself a strawberry drizzle cheesecake. You know your looting is going a little out of hand when you've gone from, like,

right, we're going to do Gucci and we're going to do Chanel they took ages we need a snack right well let's loot the cheesecake factory and then is there anywhere to sell drink let's loot a fucking vending machine for a can of pop

there was a vans shop you know like the shoes vans getting looted. I think it might've been in New York on like 7th Avenue or something. And a lad runs out of the vans smashed window and he's got like five boxes of vans in his hands and he looks left and he's like,

I've got all these vans. And then he looks right and there's three police officers. So he just throws all the stuff he's like i've got all these vans and then he looks right and there's three police officers so he just throws all the stuff he's just robbed all over the fucking street and runs away and if he's looking if he's if they work out who he is on cctv he's still going to prison and he because you can't be like dropped it if they've got you on camera walking out of the shop the guy who who went in the target and came out with a box of lego that's uh that's one of my favorites like how millennial could you possibly be like oh shit

everyone's looting oh but that death star is like $200. Ooh, damn, I'm going to get myself a collector's pizza. Honestly, right, let's say you lived in Liverpool with me, right, and it was kicking off here. Something's happened and we're kicking off, and people start looting, right? Let's say you find yourself in John Lewis, right? Oh, I know exactly what I'm going for. What are you grabbing?

Oh, mate, I'm so glad you said John Lewis because they've got some nice... It's a big department store, isn't it? So there's plenty to pick from. Straight to the fucking cookware section, I'm getting one of them posh Swiss fucking griddle things. You know, is it crusette or crusso? They're like orange underneath

and they are so fucking good. Oh, for grilling steak. And I'm such a cheap cunt, I'm always like, oh, and they're so fucking good for grilling steak. And I'm such a cheap cunt, I'm always like, oh, it's 140 quid. I'll just buy one of the cheap griddles from Amazon that's 30 quid, and they're never as good. And you'd see me staggering out of a fucking John Lewis with the heaviest item. That's the problem. Those fucking things are like wrought iron. You're like, oh, God.

But straight in there. Where are you going in, John Lewis? I would get the one model up of my current coffee machine. Jesus Christ. You know you're doing all right if when you go looting you just want a slight upgrade on your coffee machine. Adam's doing all right. I'd just start stealing clothes but wear them

and just try and waddle out with all my clothes and be like, have you been looting? No, I just really feel the cold. June, dickhead! Because we're in the middle of sorting this house out, we've got a lot of rubbish at the minute. A lot of stuff we're throwing away, so maybe I'd just

take some of this there and leave it because the tips aren't open at the minute. it's very fucking hard to get rid of this shit oh my god i pressed the wrong button i was trying to give you an applause and i chaneled it but it's actually accurate because it's well scouts mate that is fucking genius i would love it if they got the cct footage up and they were like, right, this fucking daft bitch stole cheesecake. That knobhead, student-looking guy stole Lego. Here's a little...

Is that Grant? Is he a paedophile? Who's that Danish guy? I think he's stolen... He's got a griddle, cookware. Now this guy, this is an interesting one. He seems to have looted, but he goes in with four massive Sports Direct and Ikea bags. He just comes out with nothing, looking really pleased with himself.

No, I'm still getting me coffee machine. All right. Oh, it's a bring and buy. I'm just swapping it. It's like a cash converters. I've gone in. I've gone, here you are. I've got all this stuff.

You have that. I'll have a. I've gone, here you are. I've got all this stuff. You have that. I'll have a coffee machine. We'll call it even. I mean, I've told you the story of the looting in Manchester when that night of riots happened, haven't I? And I don't think I've ever told the full story, but me and my mate got stuck in a cinema while we were watching a film and they

closed the cinema to let us watch it and i lived this was 2011 and we got back it was horrible getting back after it was really nasty atmosphere in town i tell the full story on stage it's very fun but when i finally got back my housemate wound me up i was really stressed but then we sort of watched it was the weirdest thing we watched bbc news on our living room telly which was right next to our fifth floor window just outside manchester city center and we would like it was the weirdest thing i've ever and here it is on tv and there it is live and here it is on tv and we saw because what happened that day it was like after the guy got

shot in London, then there was a few days of protests that became rioting and looting, and it moved up Birmingham and Wolverhampton, and it ended up in Manchester on the Tuesday or Wednesday. It really just was Scully's kicking off. It wasn't proper. There was no placards or anything. It was just a load of fucking eggy teenagers going,

nice one, let's kick the shit out of the town center and they dealt with it like that there was at no point were there any loud hailers it was just knobheads having a fucking boot off bang and olivson got done with a white two white minivans and they apparently out of nowhere it was really coordinated the cctv footage of everyone else he's like you can see bell and just like hey let's fucking kick something and then and then the cctv footage they showed it afterwards of bang and olison was not it was nothing like that all of a sudden there's no one on the street and then these fucking mob of like kids come and then they smash the windows and then these two white stolen transit vans turn up they unload and if you're not from the uk bang and olison is

probably not from the uk but there there are like really high-end tvs and stereo system suppliers and they honestly without exaggerating one of their tvs can be 30 grand and they nicked everything and then me and andy hunt watched from our window as tons of kids just circled round the JD Sports and just fucking came. Oh, it's the weirdest feeling, watching like a gang of 50 scallies thinking about busting into a massive JD Sports and then the police car would come onto the car park,

do a loop and fucking scare them all off and we'd be like, it was the most entertaining shit watching it on the tv seeing the streets around where you live and then just looking out the window and seeing it fucking mental and the guy coming down the coming down the canal with all sorts of random shit like a fucking they're just so much so ridiculous have you ever actually seen looting and have you ever been anywhere near a protest like that no only on the news and in the films and that it's uh

yeah have you ever been on a march have you ever i've i was thinking today i've literally never i've never protested anything no me neither like i've sort of been vocal and been to sort of the vigils and the services for the Hillsborough disaster but never like an actual placard protesting

no well yeah just I don't normally care about stuff enough. I've sort of learned that about myself over the past week or so. Like, I tend to have a lot of opinions on things, but there's nothing I really kick off about. Um...

Sounds like a comedian, that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, you're just like, ah, here's what I think. What are you going to do about it? Ah, none. Write the joke. Tell the joke.

End of story. I fucking hate the Tories. Are you going to join another party? That's not working. Fucking, the meetings are in the evening. The meetings are in the evening. I've got shit to, I've got gigs. The only thing is, this is what, I mean, I'm not trying to,

but this is all going on against the backdrop of social distancing, keep your distance, COVID-19, there's a pandemic. So it really must have this added extra edge. Like, if you live in one of these cities in America and you're listening to this, just stay safe beyond the sort of, you know, the pandemic chat that everyone's been saying. Now it's like, genuinely, how pandemic chat that everyone's been saying, now it's like genuinely, how angry must you feel to be like,

yeah, I'm so fucked off with this. I'm going out and I couldn't give a shit about the pandemic. This is more important. I just, I think it's hard for us in this country to fully understand that. And that's obviously speaking as a white bloke, but. Yeah. Would you rather have bollocks for eyes

or eyes for bollocks Adam's decided that got a bit too heavy could you imagine could you just imagine looking round your underpants alright let's end that section

of opinion are you alright? are you alright? you just did a yawn and then a like a this chair is just shit because I'm still in the fucking I'm still using boxes and fucking tiny chest of drawers

side table thing as my fucking studio is it painted though? Is Jade painted it? It's all gone. It's all gone quiet. Mate, Adam, I get it. Your silence says so much.

If you'd like to kick yourself out on some Have A Word merchandise, some clobber, or you want a fucking podcast mug, check out our online store, haveawordpod.com. www.haveawordpod.com for the merch store. Nice one. Shout out to Trans Alloy Wheels. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car bodywork, and customization services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire. These guys are a well-trusted family business.

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The main thing is, Charlie and the guys at Trans Isle Wheels have supported us during the Rona, they've sponsored this podcast and we want to support them. We can't go and get our cars sorted just yet. soon as the rona's done i'm going in the meantime i'm going to follow them online we'd love it if you could do it as well on facebook they're trans alloy wheels that's all one word trans alloy all one word wheels give them a like give them a follow they're on twitter at trans alloy w trans alloy w and have a look for trans alloy wheels on instagram they've shown this podcast some love let's show them some love back

all right back to the pod your ma and da listen to have A Word We have a few things First of all Do send any suggestions you've got in to haveawordpod Oh fuck it Al Where does that come from? It changes all of the time We sort of make it up as we go along

We do some chit chat Then we do some random features in this bit and have a word comes at the end oh my god it's feels like so long since you've started doing that shit it took me by surprise i was like oh good god man um yeah first of all we've got a ledge of the day Michael says not to blow smoke up your arse but ledge of the day goes to Adam for timing his release of his special apparently he's finishing his masters

in physiotherapy and he is hugely appreciative of the laughs you've given him so mate you're getting a bum sucking ledge of the day there Adam he's a fucking he's a hero laughs you've given him. So, mate, you're getting a bum-sucking ledge of the day there, Adam. I'll take it. He's a fucking... He's a hero!

Michael also says, next time you lads are gigging in Dublin, let me know. Hopefully you're not too far off gigging in the laughter lounge. Mate, that, the prospect of doing a have-a-word show in Dublin makes my dick a little bit twitchy

if we do that i want the whole audience to do a who the fuck is that guy to freddie quinn on the phone we're ringing freddie qu Quinn from the fucking live show in Dublin and having 300 of that fair city's best. Who the fuck is that guy? We'll take him with us. We'll pay for his flights. They're about 12 quid to go to Dublin and back and we'll pay for him

to stay in a hostel. There's another six quid. Where are you guys staying? Well, we've got two rooms in the Malmaison. Things are going pretty well. And what we'll do is, we'll say, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Freddie Quinn. We'll get the whole audience to go,

who the fuck is that guy? And then we'll tell them that we don't need them anymore and tell them to get off the stage. I saw, this is one of the things I resent about COVID-19 the most, is that it really made me feel less cunty towards freddie and the who the fuck is that guy chat because it was good it was good and then the pandemic hit and you're like oh we've got to be careful of people's mental health it was about it's not funny it's not funny anymore i don't think if there'd been a virus we'd have stopped

doing that shit uh by the way there's merch available at haveawordpod.com so if you want some merch we've launched our very first merch run it's a pre-sale there's just some classic logo designs we've got some hoodies, we've got some t-shirts we've got some mugs

it's at haveawordpod.com it would be great if you could go and have a look, and we're going to do the proper order. It'll take a few weeks to get you your stuff. In the second batch, oh, we've had some great suggestions so far. If you've got any ideas of what you'd like as merch, do let us know, haveawordpod at gmail.com.

I wonder if Freddie will be all right with a who-the-fuck-is fuck is that guy bit of merch, because I think it'd really sell quite well. In my experience, it's a lot easier to get forgiveness than permission with that stuff. So let's not ask him. Let's just fucking do it. And then we'll say sorry.

And tell him in Dublin, he'll be like, I thought this... And everyone's wearing who the fuck is that guy t-shirts. I thought this joke had been put to bad well how do you think we're paying for the fucking

hostel Freddy hostels don't pay for themselves on the Malmaison nice one Michael thanks alright Liz listening to Adam going on about beer pong in Roxy's reminding me of my mate Keith now I bring this up because on Saturday, I played my first ever bit of beer pong.

Okay. The next door neighbour, their daughter Adrienne is 19. It's her birthday. So happy birthday, Adrienne. She started to fucking, she's just dead nice. They're a really lovely family. The family with all the A's. I know what you think, Adam. I know. I know you think it's the most just fucking knobs lad they are absolutely

they're absolutely lovely and old money tony s crippling rats that's the vibe i get from these that i make they'd rather kill your fucking nan than lose some of their stock prices. Absolute fucking dog nonces. They're really nice. They had a bit of... You would say that, wouldn't you?

Because I've met them. Hey, order! Order! Some merch. Order! Just before we move on, because you just said order like that, I just want to tell you this. Do you ever have little moments where you realise how fucking

mental you are? I do. And it was because the other night, I ordered No, I was checking on an order that I'd made. I'd ordered some golf balls. Right? And I went to my Amazon app on my phone, and

I wanted to check what day I'd asked for them to be delivered on. And you go to the app, you press the menu, and then it says orders, right? Now I was on my own downstairs in the living room, and to myself, I just started going,

oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. And Jade comes to the top of the stairs and went, Adam, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm checking on my order on my phone. I'll be up in a minute. Why? And she went,

because you've just been sat in the living room in the dark, just saying order like John Baird for five minutes. I was just sat on my own. All the lights were off off i turned the telly off and i was just going oh dear you know what because doing 50 50 fucking episodes of a podcast during a lockdown will make you insane it will make you insane oh dear i'm you what? I've downloaded it for the merch little ident that people will have already heard.

I'm going to put it on the soundboard just for when one of us is getting a little out of line. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Do you know, I almost resent having to say this now after you've gone after my lovely neighbours and my Cheshire very white community

but we didn't actually play beer pong but she had Prosecco in the glasses and I had Turbo Shandy upset me nasty Tory I tell you what though, fucking hell beer pong with Turbo Shandy

will get you shitted quickly. I was literally like, you know after you've played two rounds of beer pong and I'm trying to hold it together because it's still my neighbours and we don't know them that well. And I was like, I think it's right. The merchandise is a real amazing response to it so far. And this is amazing with the support we're getting from the listeners. And he seemed like, why the fuck are you telling me this?

And I had that moment of going, why am I telling this? And I couldn't remember. So I just go, I don't know why I said that. Fucking embarrassing. And Daniel wasn't invited to play anymore. Fucking Prosecco pong. Anyway, he reminded him of my mate Keith, who's a belter footballer and as such has lived his life like a pro,

which he would have been had he not been made of glass. Oh, prone to injury, mate. I think I'd have made it as a pro footballer if I'd been made out of fucking Play-Doh. I genuinely would have. My knee is the only thing stopping me being a Premier League captain. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always thought that.

What about your general physique there? Your natural body shape? That's only, like, that's only happened because my knee became bad, so I couldn't exercise as much, so I kept the weight on. Damn, though.

The thing is, like, I was an athlete, so I got used to eating the amount an athlete does because when you're exercising so much, you keep burning. Yeah, yeah. But now I still eat that much,

but because of my knee, i can't do the exercise so yeah well you know it's carb loading isn't it you know like uh marathon runners they carb load for like a week before i've been card low card loving since 1980 fucking 81 that's when i started carb loading and it's gonna be a big fucking run that gets rid of this shit. Have you heard about Nightingale? Yeah, he's run 1,400 miles. Still only lost two stone. One of the consequences, though, is he never drinks. He doesn't have a bevy.

So we'd all be out on the lash and he'd get involved with his J2Os and Diet Cokes, but would generally just sit back and laugh while everyone else got paralytic. But he was really good at sport and very, very competitive at everything, and he loved beer pong, even though he'd only ever referee the game as he wouldn't drink. What he did do, though, to ensure everyone else was fucked up, he got some good stories out of it, he spiked all the beer pong cups with a random selection of miniatures that he'd bring out with him.

This was all good until you got some rank-forgotten-about miniature, and it tasted like fucking piss. I would say have a word with him for spiking everyone's drink, but to be fair, it was a bell to shout, and funny watching everyone else get fucked up while he was there to take it all in and remind him of it all the next day, and then the next week, and then the next year. Also, he's a proper boss lid, this guy Scouse. Also, he's a proper boss lid.

He uses all his spare time to do mad shit, raising money for charity. So I think he's allowed the odd mad thing like this. Keep up the good work lids. That's from Leon. So Keith fucking referees beer pong and spikes the cups what how do you feel about that Adam uh I think he's an honorable gentleman and as long as he's telling people that they're being spiked no harm no foul yeah that's the kind of banter that is absolutely allowed when you're with the boys but as soon as someone brings their missus along it will cause problems

legal ramifications like Thandropath Throne couldn't remember anything what's Keith like? well he's got a criminal record now I didn't I think it's enough that there's the booze I mean I'm talking

I'm not an expert but the excitement of the throw and the way i've fucking done it and then down and shit i've played it with sambuca once before and that was just not good that is a that's a one that's not a best of nine is it that one well and also he had three cups left so i did nine sambucas within the space of about half an hour oh so you lost oh yeah um all right lads this is uh someone asking for a bit of advice he says all right lads i'm emailing to ask for some advice mainly uh pre-lockdown i was planning a stand-up charity night where

people could sign up and have a go at stand-up for the first time. I have asked around in the past speaking to some comics and promoters and I was instructed by some it might be best to do it through a comedy course. I want to do this kind of event one because I love stand-up and my mates all of us we love stand-up and we've always thought about giving it a go as much to tick it off the bucket list more than anything. I want to raise as much money for Marie Curie because they looked after my dad in his final days. So all I want to know is, do you have any advice for me and my mates

to make this kind of event happen? Do you think me and the other first-timers should do a course, a comedy course, before doing it, or should we just dive in, book a room, put the night on, get our family and friends in and just dive straight in the way i see it it'll be a friendly audience even if we are dog shit everyone will get that get it does it really matter as long as everyone has a good night and we raise some money for charity so what are your thoughts though this young man is called sean has asked for our

advice on putting on a night. I get quite a lot of these. First of all, you can't do anything right now and you're not going to be able to do anything for a good few months. To be fair to Sean, I just want to say, he did write that at the end of the email, but it had already been a wee bit

of a long one. So he knows that he was like, I know it'll be a long way down the line but that's actually made me more determined. I think he should do stand up for a year before he tries to do this I think he should see

how good gigs are run how bad gigs are run and get to a semi acceptable level of being able to do jokes before he tries to run his own night and raise money. Because, and I don't mean to be so dismissive, because Marie Curie, whatever money they can get, they will take.

But you're not going to cure cancer with one of these events. Let's say you sell 100 tickets at Tenner a go to £1,000 to drop in the ocean compared to the money they've already got in the reserves. It's a phenomenal gesture, and it's a great thing to do. But what you really want to do first and foremost is make sure you know how to run a good gig. And I think the only way you get to do that is by either getting someone in, an external person,

to do it for you, but they're going to want to take money out of the pot or you can do comedy for a while and learn the ropes before you try and take something like this on. When I first started doing stand-up I tried to run a few gigs and they weren't good and I had family and friends involved

and yet they were a friendly audience it went better because they were there but if I'd waited a year they'd have been a lot better. That's my advice, is just fucking chill on it until you know, A, how to do stand-up a little bit, and B, how stand-up nights should be run and what makes them good and what makes them bad. I think Adam's right, Sean.

If you've got one eye on actually doing stand-up and running a comedy night, that's the soundest advice because like when people haven't done comedy they have an instinct of like well it's telling jokes or telling stories my favorite comics lee evans or fucking romesh or someone and i'll do something like that but it's really difficult putting together a night. Doing comedy's fine in a sense. You give it a go, but you go to a place where someone else is doing the technical stuff

of organising how they get people there, how they seat them, how they light it, when the show starts, is there a bouncer, who's running it, who's comparing it, what order the acts go on, does it build, does it have a headliner, there's a lot of shit that goes into even to the point of like getting the sound and lighting right is fucking painful as a comedian when you turn up to a gig and they've not got those things right because comedy's delicate at the best of times that sort of shit is so it feels obvious but it's not until

you've seen it and you've experienced it and you've seen it done badly and you go oh that makes a big fucking difference comedy nights are hard to put on like that however if you just want to do it in a sort of charity bucket list thing then i don't think you need to do a comedy course like comedy courses i don't think they need to do a comedy course anyway. No, you're not a big fan of comedy courses. No, like I've actually hosted a comedy course for Hot Water before. So they used to have Paul Smith teach

their comedy course and it was a four week course. You did four two hour sessions and at the end of it you did a gig and there was a time when Paul Smith was unavailable to do that but they'd already booked it in but he had like a holiday booked to go somewhere with his kids and it couldn't be moved and so like well you run it for us you're sort of our second in command at Water Comedy Club will you do it and I was like yeah I can do it because I can teach people what Paul teaches them and I

can I can teach people the basics and what I'm about to say is a bit hypocritical, having done that course and ran it. I don't think you learn anything in those courses apart from the very basics of take the mic stand, move it out the way, try not to look at the floor the whole time. Here's a couple of tweaks with your writing. The only way you get good at stand-up is by doing stand-up that's the only way to do it all a comedy course can do is give you the confidence

to get on stage and it sounds like sean has already got that confidence and doesn't need the course yeah the course i mean really with comedy whatever just gets you to being a comedian if you feel like you want if you've got the budget and you're not skint and you feel like, you know, actually, I'd like my handheld, the great thing with the course is, and I totally agree with Adam, it's basically like, okay, so when you stand up, face the audience and then this is how you write a story and this is how you write a bit and that's that and this is this. All of that stuff and this is how you write a bit, and that's that, and this is this.

All of that stuff, I mean, you could tell someone over the course of eight weeks, all of that stuff really, practice is the only thing. Trial and error. The good thing I would say, if you're genuinely thinking about going, if you research where the good courses are, if you do it together with another six or seven comedians, or even ten other new acts who are brand new you get a little support network it's almost like nct for pregnant mums it's not

like you're going to learn anything particularly from the course maybe that you wouldn't learn through experience but it is kind of nice to have a load of people going fuck we're a bit nervous as well i've i've headlined some of those course finals in the past and and they are such a nice supportive atmosphere obviously a little artificial because that's not how gigs are but if you need those first few steps to be sort of baby steps which i totally understand it's as much the things that the professionals are going to tell you i think as having those acts who are going to be there and support you and bounce ideas off um so i'm not shitting on comedy courses i think some and i'll say this and i and you know who the fuck you are some people who are on comedy courses are shysters who overcharge and are just in it for

the money and then there's comedy underqualified As well? It's always the failed fucking comics who are like, we've got a cause. I don't know a comic that I respect or that I would go to for advice that runs a comedy course. I don't know one. Not one.

There's no comic I would go to and go, what do you think about this that has a comedy course that I can think of? I think I agree. Does Freddy not run the course? Yeah, he does. I thought you were just like forgetting about Freddy. I was like, fuck off.

I'm not. Like, Freddy is a mate of mine and he's a decent comer, but I don't, I outrank him. Like, I'm not being a dick. No, you're not. Oh my God.

I feel like, I feel like you don't, I almost feel like you think we're having a private chat in between adverts. Adam, I so did not expect Adam to drop that much.

Honestly, I'm not disagreeing with you, but my eyebrows are higher than they were a minute ago. I'm like, oh, shit, Adam not playing a day. Motherfucking, he ain't eating sugar, but he giving out some shit. I think Freddie is a good comic, but I don't share his philosophy on stand-up,

and I don't think he's right most of the time. Jesus Christ. See you in Dublin Fred anyway yeah but I tell you what mate, if you just want to put on a night and you just want to put find a venue, get some lighting get a mic system, if you can get all your mates on and you can make a grand

and you're not in this for the long run have a fucking laugh have a laugh and maybe try and find a £100 closer, like an up-and-coming professional act who'll do 25 minutes at the end to top it off. I'd say if you've not got aspirations to be a long-running comedy night, £1,000 for Marie Curie is nothing to be sniffed at.

Have a raffle, have a laugh, drink, and you never know, even if, have a laugh, drink, and you never know, even if it's not you, Sean, one of your mates might go, holy fuck, that was great, I'm going to give that a go. Yeah. But yeah, like Adam says, it's just... You just want to, like, especially if you're going to charge people to get in, which you're going to have to if you're going to raise money,

you want it to be good, not just that they're telling you it was good because it's you. You actually want to give people in your life a good night. And the way you're going to do that is with either a bit of experience or by asking people for help and advice. The basics is

all the chairs should be facing the stage. There should be a mic stand, there should be speakers, there should be spotlights on the stage, and the rest of the room should be facing the stage there should be a mic stand there should be speakers, there should be spotlights on the stage and the rest of the room should be as dark as possible darkness for the audience, bright for the acts but you want it to be a warm light on the stage you don't want it to be a cold light

because a cold light makes it look too clinical you want people to be there about an hour to half an hour before the show starts you don't want them sat there for three hours drinking and waiting for the show to start. You want to keep the intervals as short as possible. Let them get a drink and have a piss and have a smoke and then get them back.

You don't want the intervals to be longer than the actual sections of the show. You want a comp here. You want someone to host the gig who has done that before. You don't want to do that to yourself because if you just try and do crowd work banter with people you know as well, it never really goes that well it's not going to be a great night for the people and it's well worth if you're going to raise a grand it's well worth taking 200 quid of that

and paying 100 to a compere and 100 to a headliner who'll do it for 100 quid for you and i know you might be thinking well you might be thinking well, it's a charity night. I'm not giving people money that could be going to cancer. You've got no idea how many of these causes comedians get asked to do stuff for free for. And you'll be met with a lot of derision, to be honest with you, if you ask comedians to work for free. Comedians do a lot of free events.

They do a lot of charity events. They give to a lot of charities. If you want a professional comedian to come and improve your night, you do have to pay them for it. And their argument will be, the bar staff are getting paid, the venue are selling drinks, you might have even paid a higher fee for the room. You're paying for

these commodities and comedians should be included in that. And it will make your night infinitely better if you've got a professional or a semi-professional host and a professional or a semi-professional headliner who'll bump it up a bit for you rather than just having you and your three mates or your four mates or whatever

doing 10 minutes for the first time and one of you trying to host your way through it. So essentially what Adam's trying to say, if you want Freddie's email, just give us a shout. And if you want Freddie's email, just give us a shout. You'd be up for it. And if you book Freddie, then you've just saved 60 quid. Book him into a hostel.

Okay, well, poor old Frederick. Let's have a little fucking weird for one of our sponsors. And then you know what time it is. You know them, you love them. It's Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London. If you're visiting London, if you're going down for the weekend, take your missus, take your fella, take them to go and see comedy. There's some cracking comedy shows in London. If you're going down for the weekend, take your missus, take your fella, take them to go and see comedy. There's some cracking comedy shows in London.

Some of them, and I've played them, are a little lacking in fucking soul. Vauxhall Comedy Club. This is a comedy club done with love and care and done properly. In a great room, with great atmosphere,

with brilliant comics, some from the TV, some up and coming circuit talent. And the absolute best of it, if you're there for the weekend, is Friday and Saturday night. And down at Vauxhall Comedy Club, they call it Bottomless Booze Comedy.

So basically, you pay them an entry fee, with the money for your booze included. It's 25 quid, it's a 90-minute show, and you also get bottomless booze, wine, beer, cider, 25 quid. There's also a spirit and mix of bottomless ticket, that starts at £35, and if you're a purist, you're staying sober,

you're fucking ziving, the ticket's just a tenner. Once we're done with the rona and back to normal trading, Vauxhall Comedy Club is usually open Monday to Saturday. It's right next to a street food garden. And between now and then, do us a favour and have a word and follow the Vauxhall Comedy Club online. You can join their mailing list.

It's at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Insta, at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter and Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook. It's an over-18 night out and you never know, come the autumn you might see me and Adam there. From Texas to Skem, every lead is listening to the funniest podcast in the game. This is Have A

Word. Adam was really going for that. Adam was really having a little sing song. What are we going to do here, old Adamski? Because we obviously have the bin shit. So are we drawing a obviously have the bin shit so are we drawing a line under the bin shit? How do you feel? We can't solve it but my god people have been

invested in this. So John got in touch didn't he and John basically said he wasn't at the house party where the shit was found in the shower and that he definitely knows he wasn't because he always, he's from Ireland and he used to go home for Christmas. So he couldn't have been at a new year's Eve party.

Um, and that the lad who got in touch is a massive liar, blah, blah, blah. We're never going to get to the bottom of this. I'll tell you right now that I think it was John and his wife. Um,

and I will never budge on that. You actually now are at the point where you think it was John and his wife and I will never budge on that. You actually now are at the point where you think it was a conspiracy between husband and wife. Yeah. Holy shit. Do you know, I honestly think it gives an insight into what it would be like to be shacked up with you.

I think that would be fascinating because I think you're like covert ops, black ops level of like, fuck you. Just on the sly. Nothing nasty. Out of the two of us, who watches more courtroom dramas? It's me.

So we're going to make me the judge. My decision's final. I'm banging me hammer. It's me. So we're going to make me the judge. My decision's final. I'm banging me hammer. It was John and his wife and Sam and Malachi. We're very, very sorry that you had even suspected this at any point. You have the court's deepest apologies. John and his wife, you dirty

shit and conspiracy rats. Sam, it was you, you dirty bastard. I'm having it. There you go. Order! Order! Order! Sam, it was you, you dirty bastard. I'm having it. There you go. Odder! Odder! Odder! You will address this court as judge or your honour. Judge Roe. I think you could, mate.

Oh, mate, how fucking eggy would that get? Judge Rynder there with his fucking full face of makeup like, excuse me, excuse me, I will finish doing little gay quips so i didn't mean gay little gay quips that is your internalized homophobia doing his little gay quips being all gay and shit y'all know it ain't sad but y'all know

motherfucking gay is here Y'all know. It ain't sad, but y'all know. Motherfucker gay as hell. So are you. Probably. That motherfucker is gay as hell. Gay as hell. I'm telling you right now. I'm a gay man.

I always have been. My gay dog's not broke. That man is gay as hell. Motherfucker broke my gay dog's not broke. That man is gay as hell. Motherfucker broke my gay dog. Shit. I'd love to be black, American and gay. Hey, y'all don't know me. That's a tough life, that.

That's a bad hand to be dealt. It would be great if you lived where I lived. As long as you live where I live, everyone will be like, oh my God, you have got to meet Dan. Dan, the new neighbour. He is actually from Louisiana, but he is black. And I think he's a bit hateful. But honestly, it's quite the change at the dinner parties.

And he's come down to the women's... No, carry on. He's come down to the women's women's no carry on he makes a lovely cake and he's there every saturday morning you said he come down he's come down to the women's and then he started laughing women's institute i was just that's literally out of my depth i was out living out my depth i was trying to think what what would would be happening. I'm trying to think because we have a little village hall. It's so sorry. We have a little village hall, and I was trying to think what goes on that Slimming World. If I were like, hey, y'all.

Honestly, damn. I'm trying to keep the pounds off, but y'all know they're just coming. I'm sitting on my hips. There's a reverend i see you looking he's a methodist he's got his meth methodical bastard um no yeah being a black american gay guy probably not easy in certain parts of america but i honestly think you'd be quite the celebrity around here do you not think like like english guys go over to the states at all my mates and like i've got a mate from fucking carlisle who's like yeah they fucking lovely accent i can't do carlisle because it's the weirdest it's like a hybrid of jordy the fucking hills have eyes north yorkshire

and scottish and he's like i love the accent you're like do they definitely how fucking starved are americans of british accents like oh my god you sound like hugh grant he fucking doesn't everyone thought i was irish when i went to new y? Yeah, they thought the Scouse accent was Irish. It's more similar to Conor McGregor than it is Hugh Grant. Yeah. It is, I suppose, but it kind of is, isn't it? With the Irish...

Right, I want to ask you something. So, I've been doing impressions for Jade and I think I've got a... Do you ever watch Gavin and Stacey? Yeah. So, you know Nessa from Gavin and Stacey? Oh, yeah, go on. Yeah, right.

I think I'd do a perfect impression of her, and Jade's telling me I don't, and I just want to see. Yeah, I tell you, I'm glad we're doing this now, because when they did the Gavin and Stacey Christmas specials, which I don't know what happened over Christmas, for some reason,

that really got in this family's like fucking thought process the zeitgeist of this family was oh my god gavin and stacy and then i was like i wasn't even that bothered about gavin and stacy the first time around but that weird nostalgia they're bringing it back it's gonna be amazing james corden's famous now but he's come back and we heard a lot of like oh like around like round this house. So I'm glad you've left it six months. Let that sort of fade. Adam Rowe doing Nessa from Gavin and Stacey. I,

fingers crossed that it's not retarded. Go on. Oh, Dan, give her a rest, will you? Truth be told. Why are you laughing?

Let me get it out. Stop it. Please. Your accents are shit, but your impressions are slightly better. I'll give you that. Some of them are slightly better, but it's how proud you are. Oh. Dan. Mr. Nightingale.

Yeah. That's nasty as hell. God damn it. Do it. Why are you still on the way? Oh, Dan, listen to me. Give it a rest. You just sound like a scouse woman.

Oh, listen to me. Give it a rest, will you? Truth be told. Truth be told, I... Truth be told, I've run out of Tampax, so I've had to put a fucking teddy bear up there. Ow!

Was that from the fucking... Was that from the blooper reel? I don't remember that from the Christmas special. Everyone sat around. Ow! I just killed a squirrel on the Christmas special. Everyone sat around. Ow! I just killed a squirrel on the fucking road. I ran out of... I've run out of lilettes.

I put a dead squirrel in there. Roadkill, innit? Do you think that's good? Ow! Damn! I think... I'd love to get an impression... I was going to say an impressions expert. It's just an impressionist on it. Because I think I'd love to get an impressionist. I was going to say an impressions expert.

It's just an impressionist on it. Because I think that's, I think you tackle some of the, you're not going to like this because of the comedian you are, but you've got some of the hackiest impressions in the game. This is the ones we've heard on this podcast. You're Christopher Walken, which is an impression of other people doing an impression. No! I'm Christopher Walken!

I reject the accusations! Be amazed! I turn nightingale! Now who's a gay American? God damn, I said god damn! Reject the accusations! I'm really worried because you're now doing

I'm worried with all your impressions. When you start going for it, they get more aggressive and then you start going, I will fuck you up the ass. I will fuck you up the ass. All you motherfuckers get fucked up the ass. I take the square alone. I'll fuck it up the ass and then stick it up your ass

You've done Christopher Walken Now Nessa From It feels like Michael Caine Is just waiting to happen innit I'll tell you what I'll give you Michael Caine

I What I'm gonna fucking win I'm gonna take a miss Wait I what I can't get it fucking weird I haven't taken a miss wait that's the way you pause like line I was

I was at a shopping the other day and I was like I'm going to get some Cheerios and someone was like hey Michael Caine do you eat Cheerios and I was like yes yes I do

I don't like crunchy nut it gets stuck to my teeth right before we even talk about the impression where did have you bought Cheerios recently? Where did that come from? Where did the cereal bit come from?

Hi, I'm Michael Kay. I don't like Alpen. Oh, God. Any suggestions for impressions you want Adam Rowe to fucking murder? You got any more? You want me to? We'll also definitely in the next week or two

we'll do another round of out of the hat character action. The Russian guy from Armageddon. Another guy who's on the space station. Oh, go on. American components, Russian components, all made in Taiwan. I cannot space station oh go on American components Russian components

all made in Taiwan I cannot argue with the quality of that impression fucking hate Russians I love being allowed to just hate

a whole people fucking sneaky Russians what else have you got come on People. Fucking sneaky Russians. What else have you got? Come on. Are you okay? Yeah, just trying to think.

What have you got? Denzel Washington. Oh, Jesus. That's definitely harder. From training day. Tell me it's from training day. You will be podcasting in Pelican Bay when I get through with you. Pretty good. Pretty good.

A little culturally insensitive with everything that's going on. I can't believe I'm on a podcast with Dan Nightingale. That's bad. I can't do Eddie Murphy. No, you can't. How's Eddie? I can't do Eddie Murphy. No, you can't. Do you remember the first section of the podcast

where we... Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! That's actually quite good. What was that from? I don't know. Was it from Mulan? Maybe.

Or Shrek. Shrek-a-dong, you're another world-winning bitch. That's not bad! That is not bad! That's not not the worst that is not the worst donkey i've ever heard i thought the whole bit was like you were trying to do it badly i thought you were trying to do a bit about the contrast of maybe even a superfly but i bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly i honestly thought you were doing it on purpose to contrast what happened in the first section with the black lives matter chat which you took very very seriously and now we're doing famous black american actors badly i was like wow this podcast is all over the fucking road um a quick one a quick have a word now chloe levi joyce who is a comedian i used to do a pod

with her um she audioed me and i fucking deleted it but she audioed a quick have a word and i thought adam it was so pertinent to mine in your life that i couldn't couldn't do a podcast curation without chloe levi joyce says can use two she's got more scouts for this because she's from southport so she's plastic scouts she's trying to she's like hey let's do it let's have a word from chloe as donkey chloe levi joyce says can you two have a word with lads with big dicks who just turn up and bang it in and out and do fuck all else that's the whole have a word from chloe she wants us to have a word with guys with big dicks who just banging it and as i said in the first section about not knowing the strife of people out there i don't know what it's like

to have a big dick so i don't feel i'm in a position to tell people with big dicks how they should act with their dicks it's so amazing big dicks matter don't they deteriorate the what a beef they're lazy that they just turn up with the packet and they'll be like i brought something. You don't need to do anything else. She needs to have a fucking word with herself. If she's getting some pipe.

Now, now she's got, by the way, this is current pipe. How big is the dick? How big is the dick? If you can socially distance and still fuck someone, that's a big old dick, sister. So, she's getting big dick, and she's whinging that he's not putting any effort in. What's she doing? Is she getting all fucking romantic and sexy

and setting the mood, or is she just lying there like the fucking rest of them? I'll tell you, you've been a member of the Tinder community before. Hi, my name's Azim. I, you know, set a mood. Now, I, you know, speaking as someone who's shit, I dealt with some big dicks in my town. God damn.

Y'all need to make the effort. Kiss, kiss a motherfucker. On the lips. No, these ones. Nasty. Um, absolutely ridiculous can't believe she's getting dick in lockdown it's illegal from today isn't it to have sex with someone from another household in a household it hasn't been illegal all this time no but it's legal if you do it in the garden, isn't it? That's the rule.

I think, yeah, there's been a lot of grey area about Watsley. As long as you get fucked in a park, you're allowed to drive unlimited amount of distance and you can get fucked by up to six friends from different households. You can fuck them in the garden, but if then you go in their house to wipe your dick off, you have to, like, get all the whole bathroom because you don't want anything you go in their house to wipe your dick off you have to like that's all the whole bathroom because you don't want anything you've got for them to catch yeah but if you've

got a really big dick what you can do is stay outside ask them to go inside turn the tap on and just fucking prong it in from the just through the kitchen door give it a walk right this one's this podcast is deteriorating too but when i said big dicks matter that was my favorite bit and it was the bit where adam was like and we need to tap out because this is off the rails whatever you do yeah whatever you do you know the little picture you always make to put out on twitter and instagram to promote today's episode yeah Do not put the words Big Dicks Matter on that. Whatever you do, do not do that, okay?

No, no, no. That is for people who listen this far into the podcast and fucking nobody else. That is, in fact, now I'm thinking about it. The form we've taken for this podcast is very clever. At first, like, how are you doing adam are

you doing all right let's get through this together it is the rhythm and you know what's going on over there we sympathize completely by the eddie like i've got a big dick comedy that's my eddie murphy not good what no it's from the clumps is it it isn't it you're doing an impression of eddie murphy doing an old woman isn't it i bet you anything nutty professor nutty professor yes mate Oh, you fat. I'm muscle. Oh, look at that little thing. Oh, he's a little Hercules. Show me muscle again. Oh, Hercules, Hercules, Hercules, Hercules. What's a workout? God.

Right. I'm going to download two things for the soundboard because I'm getting bored of the soundboard. So I'm going to... I want udder. Udder. Udder. Udder. For when it's kicking off he's now watching nutty professor

and i also want i can lose i can lose for when adam's talking about his fitness when he's like i've lost another two pounds i'm getting hench your mama got a mouth with the back of her neck and the bitch chew like this. Oh, God. So I can do Eddie Murphy and I can do Nelson Mandela. Me too. Mate, your Mandela's good. No joke.

I've lived a while where a man and a woman can live together. Oh, no. Not today. No, no. No, no. That is my threshold, that.

No, no. Adam. Give me a break, will will you i've been up and down all over the place with these accents and i think i'm doing quite well thank you very much that's fine i've had a bad day i want a cup of tea i'm hungry and i need a shit so give me a fucking what's going on with this every end of the podcast you're itching for a tweet doing the podcast at five o'clock and i have a half sick shit every day right okay but no more mandela oh guys it's been an absolute treat we have a new song we've gone very hip-hop

in the last few weeks graham thompson who is uh an irish hip-hop artist we've featured before. And honestly, I never thought I'd say this. This podcast is getting me into Irish hip-hop. Dublin hip-hop is fucking cool as fuck. And if we do a Dublin show, we're asking Graham Thompson to play us out because he is cool as fuck. Sad, said and done is his new track. It's about to get released.

Have a little look for, yeah, Graham Thompson. What's he called? What's his Instagram? What's the fuck? It's just Graham Thompson. Is it just Graham Thompson? It's just Graham Thompson. I'll just shut up and play his excellent music.

Thanks, mate. When all is said and done, I hope you get to hear me. And you can comprehend that I wrote the message clearly When life is bleak it seems emotionless and dreary You get buckled twice a week it's not a joke the shit is scary And the endorphins from the likes of philic morphine Been feeling like a sorcerer a mile since I was fourteen When I was trying to saw grain the boys were on the snort scene

And how are you to judge me man I see you at the coffee I swear I'm sick of seeing rooms filled up with baristers and getting into arguments with goons and fucking amateurs I'm laughing like I've done balloons filled up with canisters get back at the LA you can't detrude on my parameter I'm rooting less me manners I needed to get the sentence shortened I'm still behaving and saving for a potential mortgage it's an extensive cost it's risking an expensive loss it's reason why I'm packing out these dearies with eccentric porsches So I can sit and try to smoke until I'm calm

I don't wanna be another with the rope beside me, Pam I wanna make it clearer and I hope you understand That if you've something to look forward to, you won't destroy the plan And I'm hoping I can brandish my lyrical skill And let you know you can't depend on a miracle still Being cynical kills and I've been optimistic for a good while You're still alive and breathing That's the reason why you should smile You could cry, tell me what the fuck would it achieve You had your shot and missed it man

You fucked it to the braids I write a verse and I construct a shitwraith It's a pile of love to use I be but I'm reluctant with the face This man is paved I hope you understand that when I leave I'm only planting seeds and years from now I hope for massive praise Writing lines of self belief like no one's matching days And lads are catching z's, I'm here to cumulate and stash your j's And please, we can't stop it's a disease Anticipating when the album drops and I'm relieved

I want more than just the props that I'm receiving Fuck a shop or spray, I want more than just the props that I'm received To fuck a shop or spray I want whatever someone's got for me I can't, boy, I don't want a lot for free A tenner for your Spotify is not a box of G You act as if a man is trying to tap you off a five grand I'm asking for your home address, you're big and fucking low so Thank you. © transcript Emily Beynon As ever on a Monday, it's our patrons. £10 tier, you become executive producers.

Appreciate the fuck out of you guys. Now, there is one name here that's not named, so if you're listening and you're like, my name has not been mentioned and I'm a £10 patron, on our patron list there's a guy called No Name so this might be you because you haven't filled your name in

on Patreon for everyone else thank you to Aaron Ledbetter Adam AJ Gregson Alex Jones Alexis Bly Ali Richardson

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sammy taylor saz green saz i'm gonna message you scott brickcliffe simon martin steve woolley steph keeling stephen billick stephen burn steven theobald steve boros steve boris fucking up these names sorry guys steve green steven d malone steven thompson terry burke texas jellybean Steve Boris Steve Green Stephen D Malone Stephen Thompson Terry Burke Thomas Sivita Tom Chadwick Tom Lazarus

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the £10 Patreon it really is keeping us going I hope you've enjoyed today's audio bullshit we'll see all the Patreons on Wednesday and everyone else

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