Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #64 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 12, 2020

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Fucking did it in one take, bro. Yeah, man. Now, I'm getting the word not. Ja! Upset me, nasty bitch. Catch me outside, how about that? I'm big-boned.

I'm heavy-structured. I'm hung low. If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting! Follow us on social media at Have A Word Pod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at YouTube.com forward slash have a word pod. They go by Alan and Dave,

Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Don't be a Tory. Down your tub or shandy and tell a friend. This is Have A Wad. You already recording?

Yes, fam. Sweet. How are you, kids? I'm having a fucking hummus, lad. Listening to hip hop, having a fucking rude boy. Extravagant bad boy. I've got into hummus lately, you know. Good. It's a proper Tory snack, like, but... As long as you vote in Linger, you can live Tory.

In the infamous words of the great Gav Webster, everyone needs to fucking leave hummus alone, it's a pound down at the co-op. So, it's no longer the middle-class conceit of early naughty stand-up. He eats hummus. Now everyone can get fucking hummus and it's quite nice. It's delicious.

I've been having the reduced fat one though, obviously. To help shed me tits. But yeah, I have them with these salt and pepper crackers that I get from Tesco with a bit of reduced fat hummus. I have like five crackers, about 60 grams of hummus,

and it's about 200 calorie snack. It's four of these. Deep fry it. Extra tasty. Chips on the side. Chips and hummus. What a lovely meat. Oh, nice T-shirt, by the way.

Have you got your camera on, by the way? Yeah. Oh, it's going to look by the way. Have you got your camera on, by the way? Yeah. Oh, it's going to look nice. It's going to really pop, do you know what I mean? All that health from the hummus and a yellow t-shirt. It's just a changed woman. Let me leave eyes to talk. You know, just before you carry on, I'm really glad

we took that tack with hummus. As I was eating it, I was like, I'm going to get ripped to fucking bits here. I can feel it coming. And Adam was like, a little bit soggy, but actually it's quite nice. I was like, jolly good. That's nice. Yeah, I can't slag it off for it because I used it myself.

I got slagged off the other day because I made myself a piece of steak with a bit of salad on the side as me dinner. And I had a 200 gram piece of rump, delish, cooked medium,

pink as fuck, no blood. Lovely. And then on the side I'd done some mushrooms and a bit of baby leaf salad. Yeah. And the thing that people kicked off about is I had some olives with me steak and mushrooms and leaves. What you reckon on me olives?

Do you like olives? You see, it's a difficult. Yeah, I'm not an olive guy. Not an olive guy. Although like classic lower middle class working class lad. Quite like the really fucking plasticky cheap ones chopped up on a pizza sometimes. really fucking plasticky cheap ones chopped up on a pizza sometimes. I don't...

You know, like the ones that have been out in the fucking... The takeaway for ages under the glass. Not properly refrigerated. They've dried out and they're about 40% man-made fibre. You can feel it in the rubberiness of them.

I like those. But if someone's like, Oh, these are beautiful, fresh olives. olives what do you prefer and they're all oily and like people are sticking cocktail sticks in their eye nah mate you like olives that could be perfectly suited as BB gun ammunition

yes mate yes mate you could stick a lighter to them and you know if you've got a puncture on a tyre on your car car wheel, just fucking jam one of them rubbery cunts in. You'll be like, we'll be able to make it home from here, honey. Thank fuck you had old pizza in the back.

I'm not a big fan. I'll be honest, I saw that picture that you put online and your culinary life is, I think, more aspirational than your actual life. I think every time, like, you know, all comedians, all working-class comedians have got to take the piss out of themselves a bit. But there's two things you don't joke about.

Liverpool Football Club, LFC, not fucking with that. But you're cooking. You're like, right, all jokes aside, I am fucking good at this look at that like there's there's not even an attempt at like

and here's a fucking you know a McCain smiley face jumped on the side you're like no genuinely I am good at this shit fair play

you seem like you're in a good mood I'm in a fucking belter Adam how's your day going it's going alright I woke up in a bit of a funk to be honest but I'm slowly coming out of it I've had a fucking belter Adam how's your day going? it's going alright I woke up in a bit of a funk to be honest but I'm slowly coming out of it I've had a couple of days a year

where I just it's been quite weird I've almost got like a bipolar mood at the minute and I don't want to take the piss out of bipolar it's a very serious condition that has affected my family and I'm not trivialising

such a serious mental illness you wouldn't three days ago I was the happiest I've been since lockdown. I was in a fucking great mood. I'd weighed myself and I was like, oh, the tits are falling off. And I was just flying.

Jay was like, what the fuck's the matter with you? Have you won the lottery or something? You're not telling me. I was like, no, I've just lost another pound. I was in such a good mood. And then yesterday and this morning when I woke up, and the day before actually, I've just had a bit of a cunt on.

You know when you just wake up a bit pissed off? And I think I've figured out something that's related to it. So as I've told you before, I've got braces at the minute. It's an Invisalign thing. It's like an invisible tray that you put in your mouth and it slowly straightens your teeth. Now, my course of that was supposed to take 17 weeks, right? And every week you get a new tray to put in, which is slightly tighter than the last one. And it slowly moves your teeth into place, right?

Now I had tray number eight for 12 weeks because of lockdown so my teeth were the exact same shape as tray number eight because it was in for that long so it was very comfortable for me to have that tray in i've now two days ago i went to the dentist so i've now got number nine and it's tight as fuck and i have to sleep with it in and I'm waking up with a headache which I'm confusing as a bad mood so I'm waking up with my mouth screaming at me because I've got this fucking vice on my teeth all night

so it would have been annoying anyway wouldn't it to go from eight to nine but that's usually a shorter jump so basically right okay so I woke up today and I'm a bit pissed off. I woke up at half ten and I didn't get out of bed till one o'clock.

I was just in bed for two and a half hours, scrolling my phone. I watched the new Dave Chappelle thing that Netflix have put on YouTube and I just didn't move. And then I've got up. I've had two cups of coffee. I've had a little bit of breakfast and I've weighed myself And then I've got up. I've had two cups of coffee. I've had a little bit of breakfast. And I've weighed myself again.

And I've lost another two pounds. I have gone from 16 stone seven to 15 stone four in just three weeks, motherfucker. Look at this. Look at this. Wait, you really made me laugh. You're like, the tits are dropping off me. I'm down to six. Good. I'm down to six. Good.

I love it. It's good to see. You don't have a great shut down poker face. That's what I'm learning about you. When you're not feeling it, this is a high pressure Zoom meeting where we look into each other's fucking eyes a bit too much to really be comfortable.

And I'm starting to, I can read you. And I'm like, literally got on and I was like, oh, Adam's in the mood for this today. Fucking, he's taking the brace off. He's twatted two coffees. I can live. Really good to it. I got, I just need to go out And have a little bit of a walk

And I I was feeling weirdly testy Because I've been trying to do some I messaged you about it I've been trying to just do some editing And I'm getting there with the editing of stuff But it's one of them fiddly things Where you're like

I know that in a month This is going to be a piece of piss But I'm just like It's just annoying When you've got it down one way to slightly change what you're doing, then you're like, oh, fuck, I've got to learn this again.

I was getting gnarky, and Laura's stripping wallpaper in one room because she's woken up fucking on one. And I just, I needed to go out and get some fresh air, and I've been meaning to speak to Scott Bennett, who's a comedian mate of mine, and ours, like,

and I haven't spoken to him loads. We used to speak all the time. He used to be one of my go-to, phone them on the way to a gig. And for whatever reason, we've been on different frequencies during the shutdown because he's a bit of a fretter and he's a little bit of a worst-case scenario, and that doesn't work well for me. And I'm like, ah, come on, be all right, we'll just get on with it.

And that almost doesn't tune in with him. And we've hardly spoken. So I was feeling testy. You should have spoke to Scott a few times and then immediately spoke to Freddie Quinn. Oh, my God. Because Freddie's like, we'll be back in July.

It's all going to be fine. And him and Scott should have a conversation. Scott will depress Freddie a bit and Freddie will raise Scott up a bit and we'll create two perfect human beings there is a happy medium and it's neither of them cunts I'm telling you

I love Freddie and I love Scott but they are either end of the like one is like glass half empty one is like glass half full but it's more than that one is like it's overflowing I's more than that it's like one is like it's overflowing i've got too much liquid for the glass and the other's like it's been shattered

into a child's eye like it's the most it's so stressful listening to them like scott's like initially he's what i'm saying is i went out for a walk and i rang him and i've been meaning to and it was high risk because i was feeling a bit het up, and he's in a better place, and I was like, do you know what, that's great, to hear someone, he's got on with it, he's done a shed thing, every Friday he's done live stream comedy from his shed, it's got thousands of views, he's doing great,

and he's got the momentum, and it made me feel great because I was like, that's a sign that we're turning a corner, even if it's not past the disease past dealing with it mentally my friend who i've not been talking to loads because he's been his head's been in a fucking shed no pun intended now we can talk again because he's like yeah and we're gonna do this and it's all it just felt quite fucking positive and i've and that's done me the world of good. But, oh, my God, Freddie Quinn on the other...

Initially, Scott was like, I've heard someone say that we're never going to be allowed to gig again. Will I ever hold my mother? It was so grim. I mean, you're dead, I'm dead, everybody's dead. When will I gig in Sheffield again? And I was like, last of your fucking worries. And then you'd speak to Freddie.

I've said it from the start. Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey. I've said it from the start. We'll be gigging at quarter past six tomorrow evening. Freddie was so positive, he basically refused to accept COVID-19 existed for the first

like it was like the day before the shutdown he was like I'm going to go back to teaching I was like I'm not sure there's going to be schools open I think there will be next day schools are shut so yeah good it's nice to talk to a mate and see the progression I'm not saying everyone's having a

great time but he was having a great time, but he was having a tricky spot there initially, and to hear him on better form is great. What I've stopped doing is trying to guess. Well, I'm about to contradict myself, but I've stopped trying to guess when it's all going to be fine. And the reason for that is every day someone sends me an article or I see it on social media or whatever. And it's an expert, a world leading expert who goes, there won't be a second wave.

It's all going to be fine. The heat has killed it off. We'll be back to normal in August. And then the next day there's a world leading expert with a slightly different name who goes, oh no, we've ended lockdown far too soon and we're going to go straight back into lockdown at the beginning of September. You're dead.

And there'll be no live events for two years. It's the same. So if there's two people who are fucking looking into this shit, who are on opposite ends of the spectrum, that means that nobody has got a foot, and certainly Freddie Quinn has not got a fucking clue what's going on at all.

However, from the start, I've said that we will be back gigging in November, and I am more confident now than ever that I'm going to be absolutely fucking right. I reckon November is when we're going to be absolutely fucking right. I reckon November is when we're going to be doing the live Have A Word show back to comedy clubs just before that big Christmas run-in, which will all be fine, and I reckon November.

Yeah, Christmas has got... Yeah, mate, I am not contradicting that, but one thing I would say is I think the Christmas run is going to be very different this year. I think Christmas, December, is going to look like a normal month of comedy because I don't think companies are going to feel confident enough to be like, we are going to organise a big event at a place that we cannot control.

I think there's going to be a lot less works dues because that feels like an unnecessary... Maybe the year after, definitely, if it was six months after we started gigging again, I think a lot of companies might be a bit nervous. Is this unnecessary ball, like basically demanding our staff go to a comedy club when they might not want to?

If that shrinks the sort of usual works parties christmas vibe and there's still energy from like fuck comedy clubs are open let's go out with our friends december could be busy but not for the usual fucking mayhem works dues reasons i think it'll be both i think it'll be a very busy month i think there's still a lot of companies that are working and they'll want a Christmas night out. And I think what some of them might do, who haven't had a good year but are still running, might go, look, we're doing the Christmas do,

but we're not paying for it all. You're going to have to buy your own ticket. The plan is we go to the comedy club and then for a few drinks, but we can't afford as a company to spend six grand on the Christmas do this year. So it's 20 quid a ticket. If you want to come, you can. And if you don't want to, you don't come.

I think more stuff like that will happen. Yeah, it's not going to be blagged, is it? They're not going to be blagged to go because no one's, no company's going to be like, you should be there. Yeah. But that's maybe not a bad thing, you know, because Christmas is well paid, but it is a bit fucking hairy, isn't it? Yeah, it's our Baghdad that month, isn't it?

It's like being at work. Literally, we've all got PTSD in January, like fucking Vietnam veterans rolling around in wheelchairs. It doesn't stop in January, though. Like, it gets slightly better, but there's still leftover works parties in January as well who can't have the December one

February Valentine's Day is like the best night of the year for comedy actually do you know what's a good night for comedy New Year's Eve because no one goes out on New Year's Eve with their cunt friends who they don't really like they go out with their family with their partner with their children it's a fucking wonderful night

New Year's Eve I love a gig on New Year's Eve I do love New year's eve the only thing with new year's eve is the there is like a the atmosphere is not as relaxed like it's fun but everywhere's a bit more expensive so it's fine you bring your metal but it's not one of those fun ones where you just like mess around like it is still go time because it's like 30 40 quid a ticket or whatever but yeah the works there's no works parties on new year's eve that you're free of that you're so right i've totally forgotten those works dudes that turn up and like an amateur comedy night and the second week of january you're like why is there a party of 32 on that table for beat the frog which is like an amateur

gong show like oh yeah it's uh it's nando's from the fucking print work she's like oh for fuck's sake just a load of nando's animals that are all coked up full of fucking peri-peri and guatemalan marching powder that is sl sir! Are you suggesting that Nando's would be willing to let their staff do cocaine at a work event? No, sir! No, they're not willing. That doesn't mean it doesn't fucking happen.

I'm not saying head office is like, all right, they're in Portugal or wherever the head office of Nando's definitely isn't. And they're like, right, lads? The head office of Nando's is in fucking South London in fucking Moscow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. is in fucking south london it's fucking

must yeah yeah yeah they're not like right it's the christmas do obviously second week of january we let all these fucking knobheads out will we pay for the saturday night sir will we fuck get him out on a monday or tuesday to the cheaper comedy nights is it cocaine for everyone of course it's cocaine for everyone but it's midweek January of cocaine. You make a saving. You don't want to pay full December weekend prices. Yeah, but I've just had some fucking hairy moments of Be The Frog with trendy hipster bars and their staff who think they're above it. You're like, well, why did you come?

And like Nando's, because all the staff are like 20, 21, cool as fuck, fine. But if they're in the mood to be a bellend, like a party of bellends there isn't the same emotional support system on a Monday like guys you can't be bellends here because there's no bouncer on a Monday and these people haven't spoken

out loud on stage before it's like it's too much of a baptism of fight, you almost feel like guilty it's like sending out a baptism of fight. You almost feel like guilty. It's like sending out like a group of under fives to play rugby against a professional football team. You're like, this isn't fair, is it? Is it full contact? Good luck, kids.

Stop crying. It really feels like that. But yeah, man. Well, yeah, it's impossible not to look forward and think when is it going to be normal? But I just think a lot of people are now at one with the, like, it is what it is. I'll think what I'm going to think.

That's not going to change anything. The two-meter rule is the one, isn't it? That's the rule. And if you're listening from outside the UK, we've got a two-meter social exclusion thing. And if that's relaxed to one one like a lot of Europe is everything's going to get a lot easier I mean it might create

more COVID-19 Have you watched the Dave Chappelle thing on YouTube? I thought of that because they've distanced haven't they in there so I saw it this morning and we were going to mcdonald's

because uh my sister rang i went go to mcdonald's just after the breakfast and just before the lunch have an early lunch which you can do when you've got kids because you've been up since seven i've been against mcdonald's because i'm not queuing like a bellend in a queue of 40 cars but laura's like we fancy it etta's excited so we went and had our mcdonald's lunch at like quarter past 11 just drove in oh the satisfaction adam of just driving around there convoluted all the cones and there's three members of staff pointing you like dickheads there's no one here is there they're waiting for the rush we just drove in dead nice it was really good i started watching eight minutes 46 seconds,

which is the half hour Netflix is a joke thing they've put on YouTube, as we were getting ready. And it's beautifully shot. It's Chappelle, and you know it's about George Floyd's death. I got five minutes in, and my daughter was pulling on my leg going, Daddy, we're going to Old McDonald's, because she doesn't know it's just McDonald's. She calls it Old McDonald's. She thinks that nursery rhyme is about the restaurant which

it isn't all mcdonald's had a farm and he killed all the animals and put them in burgers and on that farm he had over 10,000 chickens who were raised with a... And a... The sound of 10,000 doomed fucking poultry. And on that farm there were no cows. Where do they get their beef? What is it, bitches? There was a suspicious genetically modified... Where do they get their beef? And on that farm, there was a suspicious,

genetically modified research centre just next to the farm. And I just, I got five minutes in just as Dave Chappelle started talking about the police officer

who had, who knelt on George Floyd's neck as etty was going we're going to get a happy meal i was like this is another instance of where parenting and real life is too much so i paused it and just as i was getting ready for the pod i was like fuck i bet adam's watched it and he wants to talk about it and i've just i've just got the first five minutes of it and i i'm i can't wait but it seemed like it wasn't a first thing on a Friday morning just before a Happy Meal sort of watch, but it looked amazing. Absolutely not, not when you've got children.

It was the first thing I watched when I got up. And I'll say this right now. I can't call it a comedy special because it's not funny. It's not him trying to do stand-up comedy. It's him making a really good series of points, and it takes him about half an hour to do it. And as far as I can tell, it's at his house in Ohio. Oh, crazy.

And he's checked the temperature of people on their way in, and he's put the chairs all two metres apart in this garden. He's got a makeshift stage. It's shot from mainly one camera angle, just points at him. Occasionally, it cuts to the audience, but there's not much. About, what, 50, 60 people in the audience? Not even that? I couldn't even tell you.

I'd have to watch it again to even make a guess. In his garden. It looks like it's in his fucking garden. It's fucking brilliant. It's just captivating. Don't watch it expecting to laugh. You probably won't. But if you want to know what a prominent black man in America

thinks about what's going on, there's no one better to hear from. He such a good speaker a philosopher essentially i can't recommend it highly enough i fucking loved it it was recorded a week ago it was recorded on the 6th of june it's recorded six days ago and netflix have obviously gone and they've obviously got dave i think a lot of people would like to know what you have to say about it. Instead of just doing it, because he doesn't do social media, does he, Chappelle? He basically doesn't do it.

So he, because he took his notepad up. And I'm not laughing. But you can't help but laugh when you see a comedian essentially doing a new material night in his garden to 40 people socially distance during a pandemic the first concert anyone's done that isn't a drive-through gig for like three months in the world and then it's it's about the death of a man and and you're like holy if you said that that's what three months ago if you'd gone this is what's going to happen and here's

the clip you'd be like what the fuck has gone on in three months ago, if you'd gone, this is what's going to happen, and here's the clip, you'd be like, what the fuck has gone on in three months? It almost made, it was a reminder of like, how incredibly tumultuous and historic this last three months has been. And Netflix have gone, we need to record this properly and get this out. And I watched it about two hours after it had come out, and there was 400,000 views or something. Check it now. I'll just say this. If you are listening, you want to check it out. We've

mentioned it is a Netflix production. It's not on Netflix. It's on YouTube. The YouTube channel that it's on is Netflix is a joke, which is the comedy arm of their social media. So if you want to see any comedy on twitter from netflix you go to at netflix as a joke and it's the same um on youtube and that's where you can find it not uh on netflix it's got 1.2 million views already and that's nearly as much as one of our clips for the podcast in it so that's pretty good i'm just like it's it's been out less than a day and it's already out less than a day and it's already got more views than my special.

And I just feel like that means our listeners are not sharing my stuff enough. Do you know what I mean? I know what Dave Chappelle is saying is important, but come on, come on guys, for fuck's sake. Pull your socks off. I've told you that a premiere editing's frustrating Adam did weeks of work on it

it took me so long and I'm just feeling underappreciated you know I think it would have been interesting if Dave Chappelle had invited some new comics on to do some other new material around him oh Chappelle was like I want to go first

I've just got about half an hour to do could you do could you do 20 after me the comedian with his notebook like just drawing lines through everything yeah i'm just following dave chappelle so who's drinking i was i was watching um a thing the other day with neil brennan who was the co-creator co-writer and director of the Chappelle show he's a white comic from America good friend of Dave Chappelle's and a really good comic

and he said one time he had to follow Dave in New York so I think it was the comedy seller so Dave Chappelle's gone on and done half an hour 40 minutes whatever and then the compere goes on and goes, this next guy, ladies and gentlemen, he's a top comic. He's the co-creator

of the Chappelle show. Give it up for Neil Brennan. And Neil Brennan walked on and went, his first line was, co-creator of the Chappelle show is one of the best credits in comedy unless Dave Chappelle has just been on. How is it not the other way around?

Well, comedy with those big guys. I've been in some of those clubs, and we've mentioned it before, people get bumped. So the comedy seller probably got a call an hour or two before that happened. And it was Dave Chappelle or someone else. And they're going, Dave wants to drop in, but he can only go on at this time. And what they do is go, right, everyone, Dave Chappelle's coming in.

He's going on at this time. Push your set times back 40 minutes. And if you don't like it, you can't make it, then bye. We're getting Dave on. That's a lot of how it works. People get bummed because there's big names coming on oh god sarah silverman did i ever tell you when sarah silverman turned up at the boat in london and she she did the same thing she rang around she was in london visiting she was working in some brand new material she was obviously just had that urge to

be like fuck i'm in saturday night i'm in london i want to get on a bill and just do some of this material and it showed the complete contrast of the new york and la comedy scene and the way their circuit works which is longer shows rolling audiences people come in people go out and also loads of sets 10 15 10 15, 10, 15, 10s and 15s. Over here, it's booked eight months in advance. It's three acts and a compare nearly across the board. There's maybe a handful that do four sets. There's maybe a handful that do two, but three and a compare.

And you can't bump. It doesn't happen. We've talked about this before. So she's basically asked for stage time. I bet the comedy store said no. I'm sure they'd have rung the comedy store first and they've obviously gone round. I will have reckoned she will have done the comedy store

the same night. They won't have said no to Sarah Silverman, the store in London. Right, maybe. I don't know if she was doing another gig or maybe it was just a link to CKP who run... Maybe there was some link to Christian Knowles and the boat. Anyway, she ends up on the boat.

It's at the temporary boat, which is a little down the way, which is even bigger. It usually holds 140. There's 220, 230 people in, and it is quite a rowdy Saturday night. It's not what people from outside London think. London can be a bit rowdy. When you're like, well, Londoners will be really aloof.

They're not all from fucking London. They're from like Essex and they've come in for a big fucking night out. There's fucking no one from London in central London. From all around the world. Every time I've done a gig in London, and I've mentioned Leeds or Preston or Manchester, everyone's like, hey! Because they're on their little weekend holiday.

So Sarah Silverman goes on, and we're all doing our best 20, because it's Saturday night, you're getting paid decent money, you are doing your best jokes, old, new, doesn't matter, you're trying to smash it. She went on with the very first,

I would have been surprised if she'd have said any of those words out loud before she went on in the 10 minutes before the headliner. Oh no. 10 minutes before the middle slot. I was in the middle slot. So I already had an easy slot. I got there and they were like, yeah,

Sarah Silverman's here. She's going on before you. I was like, Oh, okay. Internationally famous female act, Sarah Silverman. I was like, this is fine. At least I'm not headlining.

I've got my job to do, doesn't matter. She's like, she's going to do 10, 15. I was like, that's quite a lot. But again, do your job. I was like, if she smashes it, I'll be like, and who the fuck is this guy? I'll make a joke. She went on and she had a little bit of notepaper

and it was Saturday night and it was the most, you could see in her eyes after about five minutes, like this is awful. But I almost wanted to go back in time and go, Sarah, what you think can be done here can't be done. You can't go on on a Saturday night with eight minutes of new material and just see what works because you're going up against full saturday night comedy and the crowd when she came on some of them knew who they were but it's the boat they're not like die-hard comedy fans just some people on hot like just come to see comedy and she fucking bombed in the most like it was so weird to watch going you're dead famous this bill is all knobheads it's me i'm a knobhead

and i know all of these knobheads and she is the like film star and it was just the word it was like she was trying to do spoken word or something and then she started getting annoyed with the crowd and started having a go for not laughing it's was fucking brutal. And the people who didn't know who she was were like, who's this dickhead? It just tripped up and bogged down into like, oh, it was grim. New material is very useful. If you do it at the wrong point,

oh God, it's one of the hardest things to watch, isn't it? And I bet you had a fucking blinder of a gig going on after. And also you want to be like who the fuck is that bitch whoo fucking wreck it Ralph just fucked it up you know sometimes yeah I did had a blinder

going on after someone famous in a way I've had it a couple of times with Top Secret but the most notable one so I've mentioned Top Secret before, Comedy Club in Covent Garden in central London, and I was doing, I was headlining their late show. Now their late show

starts at nine. If you headline, you go on about quarter past ten, maybe half ten. They run a tight ship there. Nice. But you do two rooms back to back. You do upstairs, 20 minutes. And then the second you come off stage, you walk downstairs,

the compere gets flashed, and he goes, welcome to the stage, Adam Rowe. So you do essentially 40 minutes of comedy in 41 minutes. Yeah. Spread over two rooms. No fucking about.

No cigarette break in between. And I had the best two gigs I've ever had at Top Secret that night. And that's saying something because it's a fucking amazing club. You always do well there. And I come off and I was like, I fucking volleyed the shit out of this.

And I was stuck around, had a drink after the show. I was like, who else was on tonight? Because I hadn't checked. Paul Chowdhury had opened. Right. And the middle was Sean Walsh and Jack Whitehall. Fuck.

So Paul Chowdhury break. Paul was advertised as well. So there was a lot of Paul Chowdhury fans in. And then it was two secret guests in the middle, which was Sean Walsh and Jack Whitehall, then another break, and then I turned up in the break, they've all got off, but the second I turned

up, they went, right, start the show, Adam, get on stage. And then I've come off after doing two gigs like that, and I went, who else was on site and got told? And I was like, fuck me! And I spoke to the bartender, and he was like, you fucking, you've had the best gig of the night here. Like, they've done well, like, but you've had the best gig. And I was like, I wonder what that is.

And I, I was talking to another comic. I can't remember who it was. And they were, what it is, is they know who Paul Chowdhury is. They know who Sean Walsh is. And they know who Jack Whitehall is. And then you get introduced as the headline act. And what they've done is gone. I don't even know who he is this is going to be

amazing yeah if he's the headliner on this bill he must and they've given you an extra 20 percent and also they're all in a good mood because they've seen three famous people they think well he's the headline he's a he's a fucking jack wyho and then this guy's the headline they don't know how it works they're assuming that the club think you're better. Not that it's like, well, Jack's got to be there, he's coming from there. And it works the other way, when you're on semi-pro builds, and you've got seven acts before you, doing eight minutes,

and they can grind the audience into the ground, and you think, well, you'd go on and have a belter. And sometimes, by the time you get on, even though you're a very good act, the crowd are like, is this all shit? Are you shit? I mean, they were all shit. He's in the same room.

He doesn't look that different. He's got an hat on. That cunt had an hat on. I reckon this is just shit. But then if you're Neil Brennan going on after basically a demigod, yeah, not so good. Not so good. Dan Nightingale, we have twatted on for

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Trans Alloy W. And have a look for Trans Alloy Wheels on Instagram. They've shown this podcast some love. Let's show them some love back. All right, back to the pod. Yo ma and da listen to Have A Word. That was

a proper enjoyable week. I didn't want it to end. You're just really enjoying it if it feels cathartic to oh it's nice isn't it i like a really you know going to the toilet when it works out it's great fun sometimes like what's going on here sometimes i think you can need a piss so much that when you finally get to have a wee it's not as enjoyable it's like your body's like well you tried not to for ages now i'm not going to help out you're like come on simple stuff i uh a lot of people have tweeted us and emailed us because

they want me to try some various impressions out um and i will do that in a minute but it's a middle section it's always the chunkiest one it's my favorite bit it's the fun bit it's the one we mix up and so i will try some impressions shortly i know you've maybe come up with a couple for me as well to give a go but i've got some would you rathers for you classic have a word i like me i like taking it back to the old school when i'm in charge of curating the episode you you that is now your go-to when you're in charge you You love a would-you-rather. I fucking love it. It's what made us, baby. It's what made us.

There's me going, Shagmire avoids the future. See you on Monday. So I've got a few would-you-rathers. A couple of them are mine and a couple of them were submitted by our fans, Daniel. Fans of the pod. Mate, I love those guys. Otherwise, it's just you and me. Otherwise, it's just you and me.

Otherwise, it's just you and me having a slightly aggro chat in it. You fucking nonce. All right, Adam. Cheers. I'm just ringing for a fucking catch up. So this is from Mark Waters, I believe. Thanks for this, Mark.

Would you rather, Dan Nightingale, have to take a selfie every half an hour for the remainder of your waking life and upload it to social media or

never have access to the internet again so I mean the the quandary's meant to be the internet is so addictive how could you ever give it up but if you had to keep the internet make a fucking bell end of yourself for like did he say half an hour every half an hour you have to take a selfie and put it on social media

so you're so you're up for like that's 32 average like 30 35 selfies a day and i mean there's sometimes like when i look i've literally i'm showered i'm smart i take a selfie i'm like you look like shit imagine doing that 30 times a day you'd be like oh god um however so in my instinct is like i just fuck off the internet because i couldn't do that but at the same time i think once you got in the second month of it you'd have no followers on social media left because everyone would be like this guy's an absolute swat so i'd almost just be like i can't give up netflix and porn i mean, the part... God, I couldn't do it. You look awful sometimes, though, don't you?

I don't mean you specifically. I just mean people in general. Like, imagine, like, when you wake up after a fucking night on the Mozambique, you've had a load of ale, you're fucking destroyed with a hangover, and within half an hour, you've got to take a selfie and put it online

holy shit that hangover I had in Leicester where I tried to pay for a hotel room just for another three hours sleep I at one point I tried to brush my teeth to make everything alright as if like well if I can't taste the

evil it won't it won't feel it i did i moved and brushed my teeth like obviously the the basin had a mirror in front of it i started brushing my teeth and just moved to another part of the bathroom to brush my teeth just to to brush my teeth i couldn't look at myself. I couldn't look at myself. I was like, I can't do it. I think I actually spat in the bath. I was like, disgusting. Tip, by the way,

for hotel rooms. You know, like it says, check out is 12, right? You don't have to check out of hotel rooms. You can go whenever you want and you don't have to even leave the key. You can say you left it in your room. Okay?

You can stay in a hotel room until they knock and tell you to get out of it. Yeah, I'd ignored two knocks. Oh, right. It'd been some knocking like, Hello? Hello? Because they have Mexican hotels.

Is that Mexican? Hello? Hiya! I'm from the lesson on Mexican quarter in Leicester. Ay, caramba! Put your pants on! Itchy wow. What that?

Oh, my God. That wasn't Mexican. It was a fucking Ewok. I tried to do a Mexican noise and I did a small bear from Star Wars instead. Fucking hell. Room service from Ewoks. Right.

However, what if... Now, talking about Mozambique, that'd be funny because you'd see me at the start of the night feeling pretty good like the fourth selfie in I'd be like

eyes massive like I look beautiful and then just the deterioration the next day but what if you were having a really big wank that was like 30 minute plus you'd be legally

wait no no no ding ding ding can I have a bell please what you have never had a 30 minute wank in your life. You fucking bullshit.

I've had a 30-minute wank this week. No, you have not. Why? What are you doing? Hey, because I like to take my time and just build. I like a little build. I like a build in the trauma. A 30-minute wank. Hang on. Wait.

Whoa. Are you telling me that you were rubbing your... You were going for it for 30 minutes plus? No. Or do you stop every now and then? Oh, it's not just that. It's not. Do you just have a little kiss?

Mate, is that your technique? Once you start, are you like a little piston engine? Mate, I just, I like, I don't know. It's a chore 99% of the time. It's just there's something in here and it needs to be over there. That's what it is. This is in me and it needs to be in that bin via a sock. Yeah.

I like to take my time. I like to set the scene. Turn on the bedside table. Make sure the door's locked because I don't want anyone walking in. Headphones in because, shit, when you've got your video playing too loud, that's fucking awkward. Good night, everyone. Love you, John boy.

Oh, shit. Yeah. playing too loud that's fucking awkward good night everyone love you john boy oh shit i yeah can i tell you this is from my going out clubbing days i would hit a witching hour because after the club we'd had a couple of pills we'd go back to some dickhead's house and have a party and you'd be up and then you'd start sort of floating down chemically and then i'd hit half five six o'clock the conversation would start getting stale and i'd hit half five six o'clock the conversation would start getting stale and i'd just start getting horny and it's at that point you're like well i'm either gonna fuck a couch or go home so i will go home except when you've got that in your system you can't come it takes longer i would i would i don't do i'd gone out on a saturday and i can't remember exactly where

we lived in a shared house i must have got back to the room about 6 30 had a shower because you've been clubbing you're sweaty got in my room literally laptop open fucking glasses got some moisturizer i went for so long that i ran out of moisturizer and started using spf sun cream that I ran out of moisturizer and started using SPF sun cream as a lube. And then, I'm not joking, it was so late, it was late in the morning, I think I could hear people going to church outside. I could hear people walking around. It must have been in the third or fourth hour.

I'm telling you right now, right now, you've just said you could hear people going to church and i'm telling you that is a memory you've got from your cocaine induced brain where you feel so guilty about having this three-hour fucking marathon wank you've heard voices and your brain's gone they're probably going to speak to the Lord. Your first thought is they were going to church. They were probably going to get a fucking pasty and the paper. They're going to the Lord's house. I'm dirty.

I'm in here. They're out there finding redemption. And Jesus, it could have been cocaine heads trying to go and get more cocaine. But in my head, was like oh they're probably it's probably like a sunday school of innocent children so yeah what are you doing selfies on the internet just gonna have to find a way to do those selfies despite i i'd love to see out what my twitter following was like that's a way to really cut it down. It would go... It would either go stratospheric up, like, oh, my God, have you seen this guy?

He takes a selfie half an hour every day and he looks fucking awful on most of them. Or it'd just deplete, like, I don't want to look at that ugly content anymore. Yeah. Yeah. 30 a day, though. My God.

It's a good one, but I'm going to selfie. I would selfie as well I need the internet man I tried to delete my apps it lasted fucking nine hours mate and I was

separated I told my mate Ben who I've talked about on this podcast before he's a DJ he was saying about how's Adam doing I was like yeah

I think telling him I think social media is doing his head in a bit because of everything that's going on in the world and he was like well why don't he he literally went why don't you just do what you did and just not look at them and I was like I think social media is doing his head in a bit because of everything that's going on in the world. And he was like, well, why don't you just do what you did and just not look at them?

And I was like, ah, I think he's addicted. But he's trying. He went, what, has he deleted them off his phone? I was like, no, but he's moved them to the fourth page of his apps on his phone. He was like, all right. And the psychology of it makes sense. Like, no, I'm not deleting them. I'm just moving them four screens over,

so it's almost impossible to get to. Fucking brilliant. Do you want one of mine? Yeah, of course I do. I love them. Would you rather have fingernails that are a foot long? No. And you can't cut them or you'll die?

The other one. Or have pubes that are so long they stick out the bottom of your jeans and trail behind you like a wedding dress you know as a bald man though there's an element of me like if they're that long I could do a comb over with my pubes i could even like just start looping them round i could like however long it was i could like twist the pair around my body and have it end as a lovely little side parting on the back

of like all the way up so like if i wouldn't let them go out my legs i'd like wrap them around one thigh wrap them around the other and then make a belt of them and then up one arm around my right arm and then up the back of my neck get some gel and like oh that's some sexy fucking shit yeah i cut fucking long nails oh grim long as well that's like a full subway sandwich off each finger imagine trying to fucking type an email like like a fucking noncy wizard i'm gonna write a complaint to the nail clipping company once again i've been disappointed grim grim that'd cut down your fucking selfie output. Like what? You're going pubes.

I'm going pubes and I'm making a beautiful fucking satpod. I'm doing a Bobby Charlton from my fucking pubes. What are we even talking about? This is the best bit of the week. What we do with our life. Oh, God. So, Dan Nightingale, welcome to my chat show. Just, you know, obviously, you're a hugely successful comedian. I've just sold out nine nights of the Royal Albert Hall. Oh, yeah. I'm just wondering, where did this all start for you?

Well, actually, it was during the coronavirus outbreak of 2020. Oh, right. So that was the start for you, was it? That was a big kick-off. Yes, yes, it was, yes. So what was it that really helped put your career up? What work were you putting in? Have you got an example of the type of jokes you were making at the time?

Okay, thanks for asking. Would you rather have pubes that go down your back? Okay, this guy's a moron. You know, it's difficult, isn't it, to know how much you should talk about something like Dave Chappelle's special and his influence on the protests

for civil rights and the rebirth of, like of all of those people fighting for justice from the police and how much then we should balance that off with our bullshit. But I really feel like we do a good job of traversing both rows. It might feel to some people like, these guys are all over this row, but we're like, serious, serious, valid point.

Fucking puke! That's what Dave Chappelle put out today. He put out 8 minutes 46 seconds in tribute to George Floyd. I made the pube wig joke. And I think history will remember us correctly.

This is another one from me, and then we'll end with a one from a listener would you rather have to watch Laura fuck a man who's basically the exact opposite of you so he's like 6 foot 6

he's black, he's got nice hair big dick smells nice, minty breath do you know how do you know how I've really found the smells nice bit offensive Smells nice, minty breath. Do you know how... Do you know how... I've really found the smells nice bit offensive. That's how much shit...

You've gaslighted me so much on my own podcast that I genuinely was like, yeah, six foot six, yeah, big dick, can't argue, it's not quite smell. But as soon as you went smells nice, I was like, so I smell shit. Fucking out of order, that, mate. I'm so used to saying I've got a small dick. I was like, yeah, it's fine, it's not quite smell but as soon as you went smells not i was like so i smell shit fucking out of order that way i'm so used to saying i've got a small dick i was like yeah it's fine that's fine that's part of the course that was nice minty breath really wealthy not from preston you know the full shaback

if he was all of those things and from Preston, you'd be like, what the fuck has happened here? Really good-looking, big-dick black guy that's wealthy and smells nice. You're definitely not from my bit of fucking West Lancashire, dickhead. Oh, I've made myself cry, like, what an embarrassment is that? Nasty bitch! Char! Ups is that? Nasty bitch!

Char! Upset me! Nasty bitch! So, you have to watch Laura. Fuck him. Watch. Cookhold style. And there's like twigs in your eyes

keeping you fucking and your head's in a vice. You've got to watch all of it. You can't even blink. Right? Right. Once a week. Yeah. Or you just have to fucking once and then it's all over.

But, like, she's really into it. She's screaming things like, you know, you're all I've ever wanted in a man Dan's a gimp this is well better really specific non-sexual things like oh this is particularly good

and everything I've had before has been terrible I bet you'd be I tell you what if she said this there'd be murders in that bedroom I bet you'd be really good at stand up and podcasting, I'd be like get my fucking knife get the gloves

I'm going to do an OJ how good does he smell? really? his sweat smells like Jean Paul Gaultier How good does he smell? Really? Like citrus? His sweat smells like Jean-Paul Gaultier. Oh, that's too sickly for me. That'd be the thing.

No, not for me. He's Shaggin' Laura. That's Shagga, good-looking black guy with a huge penis that's not from Preston, but not if he's wearing that muck. Spend a bit of money on your fragrance. Aye. I'd just like to say at this point as well, just very important in the current climate

to make sure nothing we say could be interpreted as racial stereotypes. So, he hasn't got a big massive dick because he's black. He's got a big massive dick because Dan has got a small one. Alright, cleared it up. You're not being racist against black guys you're being racist against me and as we've said before you can be because i'm white and that's the racism that's allowed

um so listen i honestly i think it's a little bit worrying that through that whole convoluted hypothetical, I find the fact that you've put my head in a vice, the most offensive thing. If you take that out of it, I'd be like, how much is he enjoying it? I want her to be happy. That's the thing I hate about cuckold porn.

Just like, why is he watching? He's just going why is he watching because because he's playing a game of would you rather in real life um how long would I have to do it with him and am I the girl

um you have to do it with him so you both come I don't want to I mean really me sticking want to stick in there. I mean, really, me sticking a willy in there, it's not, I mean, close your eyes. He smells citrusy. Jean-Paul Gaultier is quite sweet.

You'd be like... Smells like Febreze. There you go. Right. Febreze. If he had to come near my bum, I think that, with a big willy... Well, he doesn't necessarily have to go near your bum

as long as you can make him come. Oh, yeah, that's fine. I'm a little trooper when it comes to that. I work the shaft. I'll take one for the team here because, honestly, I think Laura will get annoyed by that eventually. I really think, I think I'd add it in murders about that.

If she found out that the would you rather and then she's had to have sex 52 times a year, which is way above the threshold of how she wants to do it. From what I've,

from the detailed research I've put together. Yeah, and I know you'd be like, yeah, but she's loving this guy. I think still she'd get bored of it she goes to bed really

early what time's you up for this is this an afternoon I'm gonna take one for the team I'll be like listen this isn't gonna be fun but if we

live stream it yeah I'll put it on patreon this is behind a paywall. I feel abused. I'm not sure that's how abuse works. I love how seriously you took that as well. I could see it in your eyes.

You're like, I don't know what the best thing is. I've got to think about Laura's wants and needs. Can I say, I have a lot of weaknesses as a comedian, and there's things I've got to learn as a podcaster, but I tell you what I don't have to work at. Once you give me one of these playful game, like would you rather... I commit.

I really, I let myself be engulfed. This is a nice one to end it with would you rather be able to fluently speak every language in the world play every instrument in the world or be able to cook every meal in the world this is a rate would you rather that gives us

three options and it's from Andrew Jordan so speak every language play every instrument or cook every meal you only get to play every instrument, or cook every meal. You only get to pick one. It's not cook every meal, because I've got too much ADD to be like, ooh, duck a l'orange.

Bore off. Don't get me wrong, all of these would be an amazing thing to have. I'm just telling you why that is the one that I'm least bothered about. It would be phenomenal, but I'd have to pay for the food still, wouldn't I? Fucking duck, hey, ducks don't grow on fucking

trees, lad. I mean, oranges do. That is a fact. Where's me fucking duck tree? I'll tell you right now, I'd want to be able to speak every language right let me tell you

can I tell you why? you know like when you're in a chip you're a takeaway and they start speaking their own language oh yeah so I'd want to know oh look fat fuck back again wants more food I've told you before on this very podcast

they're not I've told you this before they're not sl they're not... Oh, no, I don't know if it was... I have told you this before. They're not slagging you off. If they're speaking Cantonese or whatever, they're Mandarin, when you walk in, I think it's in very reverential tones. I think if you got it translated,

you had the subtitles, they'd be like, Oh, my God, you're back again. Thank God. Yeah, but you know, like, those fit Turkish guys who run the kebab shops and that oh no they fucking hate you yeah yeah like look at the fat fuck again he keeps business alive but

he always in here and we have to spray the Febreze when he leaves because very sweaty man with the sweaty tits always wants kebab always chili and garlic sauce so many calories fat man even I make kebab. Always chili and garlic sauce. So many calories, fat man.

Even I make kebab. You make me sick that you want it. All right. Speak. Play every instrument. Again, what a wonderful skill. But I mean, you want to play about three of them

because there's literally I don't want to play about three of them because there's literally I don't want to be in a band, so just to be able to whip it out at a house party and be that fucking melon. Like Ron Burgundy in Anchorman getting the fucking jazz flute out. Like it was funny because he could, it was a joke like

No. Speak every language. Oh, there's no paraphernalia. With the instrument, you're like How about you start by're like, I can... How about you start by speaking English? I can speak every anguish. It'd be nice to speak one. Yeah, the thing is with the instruments,

do you own every instrument? You can play it, but do you get a free one as part of the would you rather? Because otherwise you have to save up for all these fucking instruments. And then you're just that nonce going in the music shop going hello can i play every one of your instruments like no dickhead you're not buying them fuck off every language if you play one instrument though what would you choose well i can play the ukrainian low standard. I think there's something about a piano in there.

I'd love to be able to walk through fucking King's Cross St. Pancras and be that, like, John Legend that just sits down and, like, what's this guy doing? And be like, and not look like a fucking dickhead. I mean, you look like a dickhead. Yeah, but when John Legend does it, I'd be John Legend good, wouldn't I?

Every language, every language, because you're going to get, fuck, imagine just getting laid like that. Oh, it'd just be so good. Just like some hot international bird backpacking round Cheshire. This doesn't make sense. In Nando's.

And she's like, I always have to speak English. And you're like, or whatever her language is. I don't know. What language in your head was that? East European foreign. East European foreign. East European foreign.

Is that a recognised dialect? It's a generic sound. I don't know. Now, you know why I've chosen... You're reversing a vinyl. I sound like when you've got too many uh it sounds like you sound on this podcast when you've got too many windows up on your laptop and occasionally it goes do you know why i did that as my this is the foreign language i can't speak because these

are tumultuous times and we've already done a would you rather that included a guide not from preston and i feel like we can do one of those in episode maybe so i just chose east european because you know they're white in my head you know scandinavian birds mate imagine that do you imagine that going to like an ikea in stockholm be like which is the home of all Swedish people. Just being like, ah, the flumpskum. Oh, it'd be amazing. You'd know what all the fucking furniture in Ikea was actually called. You're such a 40-year-old man.

You'd just be walking, instead of being like, schnupflup and murskrumt. You could learn every language in the world. That'd be fucking useful. I'm going straight Ikea. I don't even need to read the English word right below it. I can read this thing. When I get to Wales, I'll know what flint means, even though it's got three Fs in it.

Maybe I'd love that. I'd love it. I mean, I can't get laid. I'm a hard-boiled married man. But yeah, I'd love it if Ikea turns out all the furniture's just like dick flap. What a lovely set of drawers there. What are they called? Mückenflukenschnick.

What does that mean? Like, yma in Swedish. Yeah, I'm going to go language and, you know. Yeah, me too. Do a gig in a foreign land. There's not one of us playing a musical instrument. As long as you can play like the triangle

and tambourine I would love to learn Gaelic Scottish or whatever that language is and then be able to

speak it to Scottish people as an Englishman when they don't know it themselves oh how satisfying with a fucking

welcome to Glasgow. Fucking English, is it? And then you speak like Gaelic. What do they speak in Scotland? Scottish? English, I think. All right. They speak Glaswegian.

It'd be nice to speak that as well. What the fuck are you looking at, Billy? Billy. The fuck are you looking at, Billy? Gonna do some impressions before we do a sponsor. Can we have your Kevin Bridges? Kevin Bridges! Is this after his stroke?

That's good. I can do Billy Connolly as well. Go. Oh, hey, I'm Billy Connolly, hey! No, that definitely is after the show. That was good. Give me a sentence to say. Hey, they all bug you in.

So I'll say, pull your pants up and put that packet of crisp in the bin. Hey, pull your pants up and put that packet of crisp in the bin. Billy Connolly, eh? hey pull your pants on put that pocket crisp in the pen really cuddly hey sometimes i think you're really trying and other times i'm like this is one of adam's best ever bits but then it flashes until i can see the hope in your eyes like maybe i've got a fucking future as an impression right go on keep on but i just i'll tell you now i i'm not giving you a pound just to fucking not stab me fucking hoosier katoongo um yeah i'm gonna give it a four out of ten that one four out of five you mean i'm going to give it no no no

look at you trying to get four stars go on what ones have you like I'm loosely using the word prepared have you got some to ask me

I don't think I've taken it quite as seriously as you want to to be taken why my first one's pingu

I don't even know what pingu sounds like oh you're so young aren't you Why? My first one's Pingu. I don't even know what Pingu sounds like. Oh, you're so young, aren't you? No, I just can't remember. And then Pingu's done. I think I just wanted to do my Pingu impression. I think I just wanted... We get so competitive with this. In my head, I was like,

I tell you what, I fucking nailed that Pingu. I think I might be doing that East European foreign again. It sounds like Scooter. Do you remember that guy? When I was young, I feel like it's so wonderful. It's beautiful. Oh, it's beautiful. Can I just say,

you doing Scooter sounds like Orville. When I was young, I could feel so beautiful. And my mum... Scooter! I hate that duck. When I was young, I could feel so beautiful. Am I wrong? Scooter. I hate that duck.

I love it when references don't hit with Adam because he's too young. Fucking hell. Go on. Go on, I'm having a good time. I want to know what ones you've prepared. I wrote down Pingu Is that it? Yeah You know I prepare Mondays

And I help prepare Patreon I know we're doing Q&A I know we're doing Q&A tennis now with Patreon Which is good But when you're prepping an episode It turns out I really just turn up with my little dick And nothing else Yeah but you said you were preparing some.

I wrote down Pingu, and that's as far as I got. It's been a hard day. I've had to have a walk around. No, it is what I've got written down. By the way, in preparation for this, I went on YouTube. I went on the YouTube, right? I pulled up the YouTube on the web,

and I just Googled celebrity impressions because I was like, let's try and do the ones that are really common. The classics. Yeah. There's a video of Seth MacFarlane, you know who that is? The creator of Family Guy? Yeah.

On the Graham Norton show, doing impressions of the Family Guy characters that he voices. Yeah. That's not an impression, is it? No. Because it's always him. And the people in the audience are like, oh my God, isn't that amazing?

No, that's it. His voice, that's no different to me going, oh, here's an impression of Adam Rowe. You ready? All right, Dan, time for another word, ladder. It's also the hackiest of interview, isn't it? If you've got someone who does the voice of someone, it's the equivalent of asking the comedian, so how did you get stilted in comedy oh you do voices

could you do them on the show oh bore off i know that's what he's there for but have you got any from family guy i knew peter griffin go on you can seven out of. Don't try and talk and ruin it, because I want you to keep... Lois! Lois! What? I said Lois. 6 out of 10. It's time for the podcast, man. Adam and Dan.

5 out of 10. So here's what I've got. Jürgen Klopp, Don King, Hulk Hogan,ürgen Klopp, Don King, Hulk Hogan, Chris Eubank, Barack Obama, Gollum,

Denzel Washington, Danny Dyer, Will Smith, Mark Wahlberg, Jimmy Carr, Chris Rock, Antonech. Right.

Go on then. What do you mean? I'll tell you what do you want that list in front of you so that you can no no no no you pick out the ones you fancy the most I mean

Hulk Hogan's easy innit because you just go oh yeah oh no that's oh yeah that's Macho Man Randy Savage I don't actually know how to do Hulk Hogan

oh yeah Elizabeth Elizabeth I don't actually know how to do Hulk Hogan Oh yeah Elizabeth Elizabeth That's not macho What's your Barack Obama You haven't got a Barack Obama Be careful What do you mean be careful

The time is now We must fight Donald trump we must defeat him i'm saying this as barack obama i used to be the president why are you laughing at me i used to be the president of America. I'm not anymore. But there's a prick that is. And I say we outvote him. My name is Barack Obama. Okay.

That was terrible. But I love the effort. Love the effort. What do you mean terrible? It's bad. Did you know who it was? Yeah. Yeah? No.

It's a pay effect, isn't it? I knew who it was because at the end of it you went,? It was bad. Did you know who it was? Yeah. Yeah? No. It's pay-a-fect, isn't it? I knew who it was because at the end of it you went, I am Barack Obama. That counts. I think your Chris Rock might be very fucking similar, which is worrying, isn't it? I do comedy. There is a prick in the White House.

Chris Rock's well different. Is it? it. I do comedy. There is a prick in the White House. Hi, Chris. I can't believe my name is Chris. I do comedy. I'm on the Hammer World podcast. Hug your lips. Hug your lips. Hug your lips. Oh, I think we should get away from black people because I just feel like... What do you mean get away from them? get away from black people because I just feel like

no don't say that what do you mean get away from them get away from you you are disgusting I will not have that for my kids don't try and turn this round on me make it loose

go on what other ones jump out at you Gollum. Go on. All the precious. Oof. All the things. I need it.

Give me the precious. What? The precious. We want it. Dirty little hobbitses. Dirty little hobbitses. Dirty little hobbitses. I remember when that came out for the first time. And I was like...

I almost got that one. Tolkien definitely had a dying gran, because that was like my gran on a deathbed. When the cigarettes were one slum, where did Silk Court get up, basically? Yeah. Denzel Washington. Oh, God.

Oh, no, I did that one last time. I think you've done it twice already. Jimmy Carr. Not bad, actually. Not bad. Not bad. Ant and Dech. So, Dan, to win eight meals for camp,

all you've got to do is lick my bum on. One more, because I feel nauseous. Danny Dyer. Oh, God. Go on. Fuck it. I'm Danny Dyer. god fuck it I'm Donnie Dyer I just went down Doodle Door listen you fucking mag

my name is Danny Dyer I'm from fucking London. The fucking hard bit. Not the fucking poncy bit. Like your fucking cousin. I fucking do you in, sunshine. Nailed it. Nailed it.

Nailed it. Can we have a little breathe? Adam. It's definitely a future in it for you, isn't it? Is that how it feels? Oh, hey. Hey. Adam's got definitely a future in it for you isn't it is that how it feels oh hey hey

Adam's got a huge future don't impressions that is good Jesus that is your best one that and Hercules do the classics Hercules

Hercules there you go there you go just close it out because the back of the neck and the bitch shoe like this right

and Mandela. You're always, even new material, you close on your headline bits. Come on. A bit of Mandela and then we'll go for a break. I was living a world where a man and a woman can live together. It's a good job you had that at the end of the set, though,

because it was ropey 15 minutes in. It's time to job you had that at the end of the set though because it was ropey 15 minutes in. It's time for Have A Sponsor with Vauxhall Comedy Club. Just a guess. Yeah, just a guess. You know them, you love them. It's Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London. If you're visiting London, if you're going down for the weekend, take your missus, take your fella, take them to go and see comedy.

There's some cracking comedy shows in London. Some of them, and I've played them, are a little lacking in fucking soul. Vauxhall Comedy Club. This is a comedy club done with love and care and done properly. In a great room with great atmosphere with brilliant comics, some from the TV, some up-and-coming circuit talent. And the absolute best of it, if you're there for the weekend, is Friday and Saturday night, and down

at Vauxhall Comedy Club, they call it Bottomless Booze Comedy. So basically, you pay them an entry fee, with the money for your booze included. It's £25, it's a 90-minute show, and you also get bottomless booze, wine, beer, cider, £25. There's also a spirit and mix of bottomless ticket, that starts at £35, and if you're a purist,

you're staying sober, you're fucking ziving, the ticket's just a tenner mix of bottomless ticket. That starts at £35. And if you're a purist, you're staying sober, you're fucking ziving, the ticket's just a tenner. Once we're done with the Rona and back to normal trading, Vauxhall Comedy Club is usually open Monday to Saturday. It's right next to a street food garden. And between now and then, do us a favour at Have A Word and follow the Vauxhall Comedy Club online. You can join their mailing list. It's at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Insta,

at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter, and Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook. It's an over 18 night out and you never know come the autumn you might see me and Adam there. From Texas to Skem every lead is listening to the funniest podcast in the game.

This is Have A Wad. It's time to have a word With Adam and Dan Tell us all the problems You have with your friends Who this was gonna be The whole podcast Now it's just a Final sentence Your mother's got a man In the back of her neck

And a bitch chew like this. I'm going to get that on the soundboard. Hug your lids. Whenever you mention your big dick. Hug your lids. Hug your lids.

We've got a hover word from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. Football's nearly started, Adam. I'm going to have a few alcohols when the football starts I haven't drank in over a month

My god I want you to have a word with snake in the grass rats in work I am fuming Someone I work with thinks it is acceptable

to go pissing in the boss's ear, which I don't think is a phrase. I'll tell you what, though. I get what it is, though. I like it. It works. In context. It's great. It thinks it's acceptable

to go pissing in the boss's ear about a normal office moan about said boss. So basically, the person who's writing into us was slagging their boss off and some fucking rat went to the boss and told them.

This resulted in the boss ringing me up at home to question me about my moaning. What matters, what makes matters worse is that the snake who did the grass and is the world's worst for bitching about the boss have a word thanks from a raging word ah that hypocrisy reminds me of cunts i don't like i know exactly that sort of behavior the ones who call it out are always

the fucking worst for it because nice people don't call people out for it because they don't see it because they don't fucking do it they're just nice people little snakes like this person did that did you hear that person did this and they're're always the one going, snake, fucking horrible. I had a fucking bellend of a colleague like this in work once who caused a bit of a fucking rift. I nearly ended up having a fight with someone who was a mate. So I was a manager, like base level manager,

supervisor sort of role at a nightclub in liverpool called envy um and the the management above us was a fella called ryan who i don't mind saying on a public platform was a fucking bellend a cunt and i didn't like him um hi ryan thanks for listening and so we just had staff at the nightclub right there wasn't like your bar staff you're a glass collector you're this it was just staff and you were expected to do whatever role you were told to do that night okay Okay. So the, the different roles, the way there was on, on the bar,

making the drinks and doing the till. That was one role. There was the glass cleaning station. There was the restocking of the box. We sold stuff that quick. By the time you'd put a case of Corona in the fridge, it'd sell. So you'd have to go and get another one from the seller and bring it up and fill it.

And then there was the floor staff, which were essentially glass collectors slash cleaners. So they had to go round the jam-packed, busy nightclub, pick up all the plastic glasses that people just threw on the floor, and bring them to the cleaning station for someone else to clean them. And they'd also have to mop the floors and whatever. The floor job was everyone's least favorite position, right? So we had a meeting with management and my level of management, let's call me and the other three supervisors. So the supervisor's job was to create the staff plan for each shift.

So I had to go, right, today we've got Dan Nightingale, Freddie Quinn, Paul Smith, Danny McLaughlin in. I'm going to put Dan Nightingale on the floor. I'm going to put Danny on the stock, Paul Smith on the till, and Freddie over there.

It was my job to do that and the other supervisors. And we got told, right, obviously, there's a lot of people who moan about being put on the floor staff shift. So from now on, if anyone demands not to be on the floor shift or asks not to be on the floor shift,

you immediately put them on the floor shift. It should be a fair thing, and anyone who's whinging about it, they get put straight on it. And I was like, what a horrible policy, but okay. And then, I mean, Maze,

he was a boy, but his name was Steph, and he come into work on Boxing Day, I think it was. Right? Oh, and also we were told, if anyone refuses to go on the floor and says, I'm not doing that,

you send them home. Wow. They're not permitted to demand another part of the shift. Their shift's cancelled. So me mate, Steph, a boy called Steph, he comes in,

and I'm on the bar, and it was just me and another supervisor who I won't name, and he come in and come on to the bar where me and the other supervisor were, currently doing the floor plan for later that day, and he went, lad, do us a favor. It's boxing day. A lot of me mates are going to be in here tonight, and I can't be arsed dealing with them

I don't want to be on the floor just don't put us on the floor, I've been on the floor loads lately and I went, alright lad and then the other supervisor had heard that conversation and she came up to me and was like, you've got to put them on the floor

and I went, I don't though do I the only people who know about it are me, you and him just don't say anything he's got a reason for it and she went you've got to put him on the floor and i went i don't just forget about it so she went to the manager and told him and the manager then told her to come and tell me no he gets put on the floor so i was forced to do it steph then comes with gets put on the floor. So, I was forced to do it. Steph then comes up to me and goes, what the fuck, lad? And I was like, look, it's out of my hands. Because you asked

not to be put on the floor, I've been told I've got to. And he was like, lad, I'm not doing the shift on the floor, so it's not happening. And I went, well, you're gonna have to go home then, lad. And he went, not a problem. I'd rather not work tonight anyway. It's boxing, I'd rather be out with my mates. So he went not a problem I'd rather not work tonight anyway it's boxing I'd rather be out with my mates

so he went home and then I got in trouble with the manager who enforced me to do it because he said I should have done everything possible

to keep that member of staffing because it's one of the busiest nights of the year and we needed as many staff as possible I ended up getting a disciplinary

because of this and they were in the process of essentially trying to sack me for that I ended up getting a disciplinary because of this. And they were in the process of essentially trying to sack me for that. I ended up getting another job and just leaving anyway. Holy shit. Wow. That's fucking ridiculous. Oh, bollocks. But yeah, grassing to the boss

is just a fucking snake. And the girl that grassed you in, how did it end with you and her? Because that, really, the management above you, bellends, yeah. girl that grassed you in what how did it end with you and her i mean did you because that really the management above you bell ends yeah but they're just going look we've set rules and these are the rules and the lad who went home and you you sort of just in you're on the fucking scheletrics track because that's the way they've planned it but the the person who's caused it all is her by just being

a ball bag how were you with her afterwards the girl who did it I don't hold her responsible because there was cameras all over the place I don't know whether there was microphones on them I think there were actually and I think she was just worried because this manager was

a fucking bellend and I think she was worried that somehow the manager would have heard it and then would go to her and go why didn't you tell adam to put him on do you know i mean it wasn't here and i i still know the scale and um i shouldn't really call her a grass footer because i think she was just trying to make sure that this bell end of a manager this is a bad rule and then and it's also an atmosphere of fear. That's a workplace. And I've been 18, 19, worked on bars.

And the managers that we, like, I don't think how we got treated back in the day, you could treat staff like we got treated. Like I've seen things smashed against the walls in fucking anger. You're like, oh my God, are we like, your house, it's awful, the feel of it. You're like oh my god are we like your house like it's awful the feel of it you're like so aggressive and like bully tactics to make you do stuff and in the end we were like six

quid an hour or something if that oh he was such a fucking gobshite this guy he really really really fucking was and yeah it a very hostile way i got a real good moment of satisfaction with regards to that though because they did this disciplinary right and they were essentially trying to find a way to sack me and it was just before I was ready to go full time at stand up

and I found another job in another better bar on better wages with fewer bartenders which means you get more tips yep and on the second to last day of the disciplinary proceedings

I went in and I went here's my resignation and he went oh great then we don't have to do any disciplinary work so sound we accept your resignation and he shouldn oh great then we don't have to do any disciplinary work so sound we accept your resignation and he shouldn't have done that he should have carried the resignation thing on

the disciplinary on because if I'd have got sacked for misconduct he wouldn't have had to give me my holiday pay but because he accepted my resignation I was owed like three weeks holiday pay so he owed me a few hundred quid and I got that to leave with. Oh, beautiful.

The worst thing he ever made us do, that fucking arsehole, was we were open Christmas Eve one year, right? Now, the nightclub I worked in traditionally would, it was open seven nights a week from like 10 o'clock at night till four, five, six in the morning. Healthy, healthy time to be open till.

You know, always good to drink till 6. It was open from 10am till 6 in the morning because it was open for the early kick-offs of the football, right? But it was Christmas Eve and we opened at like 9, 10 o'clock at night and it was really quiet, and everyone in the city centre would speak to each other, all the different clubs,

and everywhere was fairly quiet. Every bar just had a few people in, and he kept going, no, let's just stay open another hour. We were like, come on, it's fucking Christmas Eve, you want to go home? It's one o'clock in the morning, now just let us go another hour.

Let's just wait another hour, see if we get a bit of a rush and what he was doing was waiting because he knew every other bar was shutting at two o'clock they'd all decided two o'clock

we shut no matter what and every single person in Liverpool City Centre came to our club at 2am and we were open till six o'clock in the morning and we were in there cleaning were open till 6 o'clock in the morning and we were in there cleaning the place till about

quarter to 8 in the morning, Christmas cuntin morning fucking hell having lived that life, having done that job and done a few years of that stuff, I I'm not making light because there's people listening to this who do

that job and do jobs like it. Jesus Christ. There is easier ways to make money than cleaning a bar at quarter to eight. God almighty. In Fiori. And so what I would say is if you are a grass in work, you can do that. And you know what? It'll help you out a bit, especially if you're in a situation

where you feel like you've got to do it. It'll help you out with regards to work, but I tell you right now, you're going to end up fucking miserable and everyone in work's going to think you're a rat. They're not going to tell you the little things that they're slagging off. Like, whoever's done this, and it sounds like our

listener who's wrote in knows who it was. She'll never trust you again. And no one in the office will trust you again with little moans and this and that. You've fucked yourself up. So keep grassing. That's my other way of it, yeah.

Keep grassing. Keep losing your mates. Keep showing exactly who you are. You fucking snake. You're fucking slithering, mate. You might think you might see a little gain. You're like, ooh, ooh I'm gonna be like brown nose

and I've really benefited from this but there's dark magic in you now you're just long term you'll never win with that sort of fucking behaviour oh mate what an emotional rollercoaster that was

a good one nah that was a good pod I love it when it feels meaty hour and 30 hour and 40 oof oof Jesus got a song for you this is like a club song actually

it's been sent in by a friend of a friend so Tony Cattle who we've mentioned before former comedian turned night club manager his mate's a DJ and puts his own mixes and stuff together. This song is called Where's the Love? And the artist,

the DJ, is Sammy LaRoche. S-A-M-M-Y space L-A space R-O-C-H-E. This is Sammy LaRoche with Where's the Love? And we'll see you on Monday. Nice one.

See you, lads. Bye, Ben. Bye, Felicia. Thank you. សូវាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបា We had a battle last fall time Nobody saw the sun for the night The world's a melody, it's the flow I believe in gravity, it's the flow I'm sorry. The story's this morning, I lie awake at night And I happen to hear you calling What am I gonna say? When our friends ask about you I guess I'll just pretend

I'm better off without you I look in the mirror and I see a broken man It's such a sorry sight to see Now we're not together, who's gonna make my plans? It don't make any difference to me, baby Cause the love we used to know Was the reason for everything we do We had a love that lasted all time

Nobody's love is longer than mine Cause the love you used to know? I'm the music where did it go? We had a love for life all time Where did it go? I'm the music I cannot find a way Without your love to guide me

I stop and close my eyes and I feel you deep inside me I cannot face the world when there's no way to find you You look all over me and close the door behind you Hope to this tomorrow when nothing's right today I can't stop holding on to you All I've got are memories that brings back yesterday And all that I believed in was true, baby You're the one who used to know

I didn't even know where did it go We had a love that I don't got Nobody's ever slept with a man What is the love we used to know? What is the music, where did it go? We had a love that lasted all time Where did it go? What is the love we used to know? I'll never lose it I'll never lose it I'll never lose it

I'll never lose it Where did it go? We had a love that lasted a long time Nobody's love is longer than mine I'll never lose it I'll never lose it I'll never lose it I'll never lose it

I'll never lose it I'll never lose it I'll never lose it I'll never lose it Where did it go? We had a love for life, no time Where did it go? I'll be the loser

I'll be the loser, where did it go? I'll be the loser, where did it go? We had a love for life, no time Nobody's gonna slept with a lie What's the use, what's the use What's the use of letting it go We had a love that last for far Letting it go

I'm losing my cool Outro Music