Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #65 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 15, 2020

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What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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yeah go and do that now And then enjoy the episode Nice one See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Now I'm getting the word Nuts Cha

Upset me Nasty bitch Catch me outside How about that I'm big bounded I'm heavy structured I'm hung low If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark.

Disgusting! Follow us on social media at Have A Word Pod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash haveawordpod. Ja! They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Granddad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Don't be a Tory.

Down your turbo shandy and tell a friend. This is Have a Wad. And we're off! And we're off. We're back. It's Monday. It's the Patreon producer episode. What have you been doing this weekend? What kind of hat's that?

What have you got on there? It's also halfway between a cap and a flat cap, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know what it is. It's one of them, like, old-timey railroad hats. I've worn it about 70 times on the podcast, on and off. Sometimes I wear it backwards honestly you got a pair of binoculars i'd be like yeah this kid better be watching birds and not kids this shutdown is making me feel like a

fucking bird watcher you're like that sounds pretty fucking exciting well you're allowed to go out and just look at birds and, oh, they're beautiful. I saw someone tweet about jigsaws, the same thing, going, fuck me, I'm even thinking about doing a jigsaw. Usually I'd be like, what the fuck, why would you waste your fucking time? Now it's like,

sounds interesting, sounds fun, just something different. I just want to go out and do something different. You don't have to go out to do a jigsaw. No, I wouldn't do a jigsaw. Laura's bought a jigsaw. She will not appreciate me saying this, but she bought it because she was like, they make really great artwork in the bedroom.

And I was like, brilliant. She was like, obviously I'll do the jigsaw and then we'll frame it. It's currently 6% done and it's been hidden under a bed. So that shit ain't going in a frame in a time soon why don't you just put the box in a frame fucking sorted kid you smashed it she's so i love it when she gets aspirational and also i know it's one of them things that i'm even trying to talk quietly because i know if i say it there's like it's just there it just it's funny in a relationship in it

because you know there's like a little board of buttons and that one wasn't a button before because it because there was no jigsaw but that's just come up on the board and i know that in any moment of like oh well why didn't you do this oh come on love what about the recycling and she's like well yeah I fucking do do the recycling. I could just press the jigsaw button at any point and send it up about four levels to like, piss off!

But I'm not going to do it. You got that in your holster, though, if she gets all fucking snipey. Well, why didn't you finish the jigsaw, bitch? Look under the bed there's no monsters under there Dan why have you done this this way it's just really puzzling

speaking of puzzles motherfucker so now I've not been bird watching it's been I just got shitted on Saturday on my own had a couple of weeks off the booze, and I finally finished the fucking big old bastard of a flower bed that I dug out to make sure that it will drain when we get a new lawn in the winter, and I've just been, it's been sat there, it's ugly as fuck, I've, I've known it, I just knew it was a few hours of hard labour, and the sun came out, and I just thought,

do you know what, I'm going to do this, and get pissed while I do it, and fuck me. It was the combination of the nice weather, seven turbo shandies, and then the fact that I actually did it. I finished the job. I finished the job just at the peak of being hammered, and I'd got the paddling pool out for Etta, because it just looked like it was going to be dead warm.

She showed no interest in that fucking paddling pool. I was like, the weather's shit tomorrow. This paddling pool has gone up for no reason. I filled the fucking paddling pool, and it's a big one as well. I got hammered. I started doing the garden and drinking about half one. At about six, I finished the job. I was steaming.

I was sweaty. I went, I'm fucking doing it. Stripped off into my underkegs and jumped in that paddling pool oh mate what a feeling and then eto was like wow dad's in a mental mood i'm getting in there as well so it was me and her going fucking mental i was pissed she's three so it's just like we're at the same level of like yeah yeah mentally you can communicate there can't you you know when you're like obviously life is all about experience isn't it it's about love and visuals and what you feel and what you eat and what you do and there'll be

moments where you can have these little little microcosms of like that was a moment in my life but being shit-faced on turbo shandy on a really warm day and being sweaty as fuck and then jumping in a massive cold paddling pool the level of alcohol refreshment from the pool and the sense of like i've done that gardening that you know like i know it was because i was drunk, but I was like, I feel alive! I had tiny little nipples. My dick disappeared back up inside me. I was like, I'm a eunuch! I'm a fucking eunuch!

It was brilliant fun. Absolutely loved it. Highlight of my weekend. You can see Laura looking at me going, this is who I married. Brilliant. I'm like, yeah? I finished Jigsaw's though.

Oh, that's right. I don't start. What have you been up to? Well, not much, Daniel, not much. Um,

still, you know, dieting, still trying to lose a bit of weight, but I can't run at the minute. Um, I've got a puncture wound. On me,

right foot. Aye, aye, aye, aye. So what happened was, now I'm not blaming Jade for this at all. Jade does a lot of knitting and sewing. Oh, fuck. She's got a lot of sewing needles. So she made herself a little cushion. I'll take a photo of it and I'll send you it in a bit.

And you can use it as today's image. Oh, nice. Nice. Yeah, get that over. That'd be great. It's a little cushion and she puts her sewing pins in it so that she's got them whenever she needs them. Yeah, I've seen them in childhood. Yeah. So that she's got them whenever she needs them. Yep. I've seen them in childhood. Yep.

She's got approximately 40 pins in this thing. And it was on the floor in the office when I come to send you the video from the last episode. Oh, yeah. I stood on it and 40 pins went balls deep into my fucking right foot. Now, I let out a noise that is acceptable from a baby seal and a woman in a movie who's just witnessed a murder. Right.

That's the only two times this noise has ever been made. Jade come in, was horrified. She went, do you want me to just rip it out? Rip off the band-aid? And I went, yeah. And she tried to, but because they were all in at different angles, it just fucking ripped even more and went straight back to where it was. Then we had to take it out slowly, which is excruciating.

And then I was like, right. Then Jade started crying because she was like, I made that and it's hurt you. So I got stabbed in the foot 40 times and then spent the rest of the night comforting Jade so that she felt okay about it. That's amazing. Hang on, I'm bleeding from the foot and it's your fault

but I'm sorting you out because you feel guilty. So fucking white women making everything about them. And I just dismissed it. I was just like, Jade, don't worry about it. These things happen.

It's painful, but it'll be fine. I've now Googled it and looked into it and punctured wounds, little thin, deep wounds with fucking needles. I'm a bastard. I can't get a shower. I can't get a bath.

I can't get it wet at all. You've got to keep putting germline on it. And it can take up to three weeks for any symptoms of a problem to show, like an infection or like if it's damaged any of your muscle because of the type of wound it is. So basically for three weeks you can't do any exercise that might seriously harm it. So I can go for short walks and I can probably get on my bike,

but I can't be running, especially with 15 stone of weight, on that foot. So for three weeks, I'm out of running commission. And, yeah, I've got 40 holes in my right foot. Well, that's what... I've got so many mates who are like,

mate, I was in good condition, and then I got... That's partly why I don't play five a side now and officially I'm a perfectly average footballer like I've got I've got a touch I've got a pass in me I'm not very good like give me give me about like a full run up like Johnny Wilkinson kicking like trying to kick three points and if I've got that much time and no one's fucking with me, I can get, you know, I don't know, one in every three. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's a real bad. Shit, shit, shit.

Shouldn't have said it. Should have used Beckham or whatever. Is that the problem you're having? That always skies it. It's always right over the bar and you're running around with your shirt over your head. Way to go! That's what we used to do in

the playground when someone fucking hoofed it right over three points for Wigan just on that for one sec

so I for a long time for like from when we left school and went into sixth form for about eight

years I played footy every single Monday or Tuesday night with all the lads I went to school with. That was our way of keeping in touch. And over the past couple of years, because people have started

having kids and getting proper jobs and whatever, the game sort of fizzled away and we only play sort of sporadically now. But one of my best mates, Josh, is a perfectly average footballer, but he's got an absolute fucking ice cream scoop of a right foot.

Oh, really? Now, where we play, there's four AstroTurf pitches all together. So, depending on... And the goals are obviously opposite ends of the pitch. So, one of the goals backs onto a load of trees and one of the goals backs onto the next pitch. Whatever team Josh ends up on

has to attack the goal that backs onto the other pitch because he kicks it over so often. It's so easy, so much easier to get the other load of lads playing to give it back to us than go and look for it in the fucking woods. You never have to toss a coin

for who's playing which end. It's just you literally who's got Josh. So he's just, does he get it right sometimes or is he just sky it a load? He gets it right as often as he gets it horrendously wrong. So he either puts it right in the top bin or puts it literally over the whole fence and onto the next pitch. Yeah.

And there's no middle ground. It's not like, oh, that one just went over the whole fence and onto the next pitch. Yeah. And there's no middle ground. It's not like, oh, that one just went over the bar slightly. But, like, I'm not, I've never been great at football, but I've always had balls in the backyard, and I've never had a brother. So if a ball is just sat static, one out of three goes, I can get it where I want it pretty well, like, with a bit of curve. Like, that's not football

is it that's why I fucking hate five is like a real footballer can run take on a man and then jink to his right and then hit it like while someone's trying to tackle him mate if that starts happening I just look like a really like it's

so painful to watch that I think if everything so i just don't play loads of five aside i'm not even i haven't got enough power to be josh and skying it over i just do that awful scuffy thing where you're like oh he's on the run he's on the turn and then he just goes like fucking it's awful on a monday morning as well a load of the comedians from the northwest we'd play in liver, but people would come, like Danny would drive over from Chester. A few of the lads drive over from Manchester.

Two players I want to talk about. Brennan Rees, who's a mate of ours, friend of ours, friend of the podcast. Done a lot of TV. He's done live at the Apollo Big Act. And he's a really good lad. Started about the same time I did. He is dreadful.

But he had one game where he played just in defence, didn't try and move in five a side, just stayed at the back. And it was like watching fucking Baresi. It was fucking unbelievable. Pete Otway once played, who again, friend of ours, friend of the podcast.

And I nutmegged him from about 10 yards away. So I just rolled the ball with my foot and then ran towards him and his wires just got crossed and his legs were everywhere and I didn't touch the ball again and it just rolled right to his legs.

And I remind him of it about once every three months. I'll just tweet him and go, I mean, that's how I nutmegged you from 15 yards. I would love, you'd love a video of that when you didn't do much, but still managed to Firmino like a colleague. Like, what did you do there? The worst footballer I've ever seen in my entire life is,

he lives right in the middle of where me and you live. He lives on the whittle. His name's James Allen. Up and coming, open spot, new guy. He got invited to come and play with us. He's such a sound lad and he is the worst footballer I've ever seen in my life. He was in goal

and back passers were going in because instead of just stopping it with his right foot when it was like an inch to the right of him, he'd try and reach down and grab the ball. Just fucking horrendous. He's a very polite person in real life. Is he like too apologetic to be a footballer? Essentially, yeah.

So I went to Cubs when I was a kid. Now, Cubs is... Yeah, I went Beavers, Cubs, and then I got into Scouts, went, all right, this is shit. I did the full... I did Cubs, and we played Cub football. And I would love my kit from Penwitham 9th.

We were sponsored by Mario's Pizza or something. Oh, I'd love that kit now. It was white with green and black. We looked like we'd been sponsored by, like, Iraq. It was amazing, like the weird Middle Eastern sort of Palestinian colours and when I must I can't have been there long I must have been it like a younger lad probably about six or seven or something and I was in goal at the practice just because Mike who was in charge of the sport for Cubs just used to move people around and give them a chance,

put me in goal. I remember exactly where we were. If you know Penrith and Preston where I grew up, Priory High is also a leisure centre. And I remember being in there fucking like, it must have been raining, middle of winter, put me in goal. And do you remember those yellow balls that were like indoor footballs?

They were like yellow and almost like, yeah, like, yeah. indoor footballs they were like yellow and it almost like yeah like yeah I saved everything that came my way for 15 of the most retarded minutes and I it's obviously

it's like seared into my body if you're going to say the word retarded commit to the word retarded instead of going retarded. You don't have to do that. That doesn't make it less offensive than just saying it. So either say it, or don't. All right, all right, tardy.

I just, everything was just like, it was like I was a magnet for the fucking ball. At one point, and it wasn't like I was even reaching for it, they were just point and it wasn't like i was like even reaching for they were just shooting and it was just hitting me but like in places of my body where it was clear i wasn't trying to save it like just coming off me at one point i saw what was happening someone's about to shoot i turned around and saved it with my ass i'm like the hero of the practice everyone's like oh bloody look at look at young daniel saving everything i think i'm fucking brilliant so much so that in the game he thought maybe he's a good keeper he i put him in and i i

got the last half of an actual league cub football game and let in i think about seven goals. It was horrific. Horrific. Out there on the field, proper ball. Some other cub camp, cub group, from fucking some other part of Preston. And they must have been like, why is he retarded? Why have they let him in? Is it like a make a wish and he wants to be a goalkeeper?

Because I knew it was like a proper game, I was really trying. And I was flapping at everything. Oh, that memory is... How old oh that memory is how long how old is that memory like 32 years old and the embarrassment of that actual game when they were like right we'll take you out now it's like yeah i think so and even my mum was like oh never mind sweet fucking horrific car god played them about eight years now, we played a charity tournament that Hot Water Comedy Club organised

to raise money for some charity and it was only three teams involved. I think they initially wanted to get loads, but it was Liverpool, Manchester and the rest of the world. Just three teams in a tournament. Five a side played in Liverpool.

And the rest of the world was essentially Preston plus some other cunt Freddie Quinn played, Brian Malcolm played, I can't remember who else played for them but they brought a ringer and they were like oh we couldn't get a sixth player so we've got him, he's a major man, whatever

he went in goal and it he was just fucking ridiculous and at the end of the day we just about beat them Liverpool won and it turned out that fucking goalkeeper was Wigan's fourth choice keeper

at the time they brought a fucking Premier League footballer to a charity six-a-side tournament as this is just me mate a fucking he was on the payroll of a Premier League football club mate to a charity six-a-side tournament as, this is just me, mate. I fuck...

He was on the payroll of a Premier League football club. Mate, what... How... I know being a fourth-choice keeper isn't the most, like... You know, you're not on millions and millions, are you? But how much free time have you got? Like, mate, can you just come down and have a fuck around with my comedian mates playing five-a-side?

Like, yep, absolutely, because I'm not getting a fuck around with my comedian mates playing five-a-side? I'd be like, yep, absolutely, because I'm not getting a game, ever. How did Freddie Quinn even start like, I'll get you free tickets to Burska. I've got absolutely no skills,

but it's a great way to get injured, isn't it? All my mates that like, claim that they were like, oh, I was in great

nick and then i got this injury at five a side it's always five a side nearly always like the the sob story comes like i put a load of weight on because i injured my whatever the fuck it was at five a side and it's because it's running or whatever doing anything exercising swimming is is is not the end of the world even if you're a slightly bigger lad it's not too whatever, doing anything, exercising, swimming is not the end of the world. Even if you're a slightly bigger lad, it's not too bad. You go jogging, as long as you're not doing it from nowhere, you have a bit of a stretch out, wear some trainers, it's not that bad for you. If you've got a bit of tub on, changing direction is a motherfucker, isn't it?

And that's where football will get you. It's when you try and spin, like you did when you were playing football when you were eight years old, like, oh, just spin this way, except now you're 14 and a half stone and your body's still trying to go that way and your knees are like dickhead.

I've been a fat cunt all my life and I've always been all right. If I get injured, I'm signed a week later. Yeah, but you know what I mean? It is the changing direction that gets you in it. Like, that is the brutal part of it. Look at Adam. The smoke.

You're all fucking pussies, to be honest with you. Oh, mate, honestly. I can't believe you're like, I've got a puncture injury because I stood on some sewing things. Now you're like, yeah, but I'm fucking nails apart from that apart from fucking

haberdashery injuries I'm a fucking hard bastard I tell you what as long as my missus doesn't leave applique equipment

all over the fucking floor I'm fucking nails me mate I'm not needles that's out of order I'd happily play Fussy tomorrow. Wait me injury.

Yeah, but... Because I'm not a fucking gimp like you and your boys. All right. All right. All right. How's your little puncture? All right, babe. Your little fucking woman-made cactus.

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All right, back to the pod your ma and da listen to have a word we have lots to get to um we haven't done one of these for a while um but it felt pertinent it was a really nice message. So thanks Hannah for sending this in. We've got a ledge of the, I mean, we're not doing them daily. We're not doing the pods daily, but we'll do a ledge of the week. How's that Adam?

Absolutely. Hi, Adam and Dan. I felt like to nominate my little brother, Sam as ledge of the week for his powerful words. He wrote in his school work this week on segregation and racism due to recent events in America. His teacher asked to write his thoughts and opinions on segregation and racism he's only eight and this is the segment of what he wrote man there's little things like i know it there's

other podcasts and they'll be talking about what's going on but you have little snapshots uh this is what sam wrote on on segregation it wasn't fair for segregation to happen because you shouldn't treat black people different black people shouldn't be treated badly because everybody else is the same on the inside you cannot tell what color a person is when you just see a skeleton nobody should be treated differently because of their skin color it is like a book cover every book cover is different. You're like, oh, what a fucking ledge. And then she said I was taking... I'm gone.

Right. Can I just finish before you start fucking shitting on an eight-year-old's ledge of the week? And all my fat mates that have injured themselves playing five-a-side, you fucking rat. I was taken aback. i'm texting jade get those fucking needles out i was taken aback not only for his innocent and untainted view of human values but also of how well it was written and i asked my mum if he had had any help turns out he

chewed his mum away until he'd finished i live with my grandparents and when i read this to when i read this to them my nan got very emotional. She's half Spanish, half Caribbean and was a kid during the segregation era in Liverpool with her childhood still affecting some of her thoughts and actions today. If you give him a shout out,

I'll make sure he hears it. Well, that's fuck now, isn't it? Because we've sworn. Provided there's no swearing. He's a little ledge with a proud big sister. Love the podcast. It's helped me massively with a proud big sister love the podcast it's helped me massively with my mental health during the lockdown and can't wait to see you both when we're gigging again cheers hannah so hannah this is for your little brother for from good on you

sam now adam what did you like what would you like to say oh boy um well first of all i'm not listening to no fucking 8 year olds opinion on fucking anything mate okay about the real fucking world mate okay so fuck this kid fuck his sister oh my god oh no

no no you absolute take the analogy of the book cover okay it's just a sentiment now, isn't it? You absolute fucking belm. I know, I can tell you're in a weird mood. I can tell you're in a weird mood

because you got to the end of the last section and then just went, yeah, I'm going to just fucking argue with your point about injuries at football for no fucking reason and you're all fucking dickheads. After he's bitched about having a foot puncture, I can't believe... When you're all fucking dickheads after he's bitched about having a foot puncture I can't believe, when you're in a weird mood, you get

so eggy for no fucking reason and then just for the sake of it you're having to go at an 8 year old in the ledge of the week now she can't I'm not, I'm saying he's got a stupid analogy, it's not him the analogy that's stupid it's going to be a fucking long episode this one

lads Jesus Christ fuck it I'm just saying someone should teach him that his analogy is fucking shit it's not his fault is it he's a kid he's been taught that analogy by someone

and it's nonsense don't judge a book by it's cover you should judge every book by every fucking cover, honey. But that's not the same as judging people by the colour of their skin. If there's a really colourful book with a drawing of a tiger on it, like a cartoon tiger,

that's not a fucking thriller, is it? You're on, mate, you're on Bellend Island on this one it's like who are we having a word with here I think you've sort of misjudged where we are in the podcast the education system in this country has gone to their dogs

you actually said fuck him and fuck his sister you see what's happened here Hannah is we're trying to get Adam's caffeine levels right and sometimes when he's not had enough he gets sleepy and needs a poo right and now he's had too many and he's not eating properly and he's got 47 wounds in his fucking fat foot and now he's all aggro so it's my fault because i've been like pushing him to drink more caffeine i'm like

adam make sure you have caffeine. Let's make sure you, and now he's had three and he's having a go at children. No, right, no. Legend of the week. Sam, you're not going to hear this for obvious reasons. All right, lids. Someone tell Sam he's a knob. Someone tell Sam he's a knob someone tell Sam he's a knob

he's a knob oh fuck Sam and fuck his sister and fuck his nan in the gob oh no Hannah I'm so sorry who do I work with oh god

well done Sam it was really good everything you do is great and when you grow up the world will just be like doesn't matter if you sound stupid mate you can just have everything i'm trying to help this kid's future you're a disgrace um i've just realized this one's about buffalo wings where are you in the diet with buffalo wings, is there a lower fat version of them that you could do because my diet is calorie controlled

I could have them if I wanted to alright, ok I decided not to at the minute, but I think so, my plan was next weekend when Liverpool play Everton, I I think so, my plan was next weekend when Liverpool play Everton I'm going to break my booze

ban, going to have some beers maybe a whiskey, we'll see and I was going to get like a McDonald's or a Chippy or something like that, but I think what I'm going to do is make myself some buffalo wings with all the fucking oil and all the shit make them myself.

Don't get a takeaway. So I can still monitor the calories and have a little booze watching the derby. So this listener, I forgot to put his name on this, but it says, all right, Lids, this is a trivial one, but here goes. Adam, you have mentioned a few times

how you make some mean buffalo wings. I made some earlier today, and to be honest, they're a bit of a letdown. I'm not expecting you to give away secret recipes, but can you let me, a fellow wing lover, know your methods for making belting wings? Watch your techers.

And I'm not talking like a fucking Slimming World version of events, just when you're going full dirty wings. Okay, so I use frozen, plain frozen chicken wings that I just get from the freezer in Asda. I still feel bad about Sam the 8-year-old. Go on, I'm trying to concentrate. You're not going to hear it. No, he's not.

And if he does, then he'll grow up to be a more well-rounded, appreciative, thoughtful person. There it is. Explains a lot. Chicken wings. That's how you are. Get a bag of frozen chicken wings

or you can get them fresh. Obviously, they're better if they're fresh, but I've had them frozen. And what I do is get enough out that will fill a roasting tin. So not a bacon tray. You want a roasting tin, right?

Yeah. I get a bowl. I just fill it with oil, vegetable oil, olive oil, whatever you've got. Fill it. Fill the bowl.

And then you want to get the chicken wing, each one, and dip it in the bowl. Run it around a bit. Then let it, pick it out and just give it a little

drip dry. So it's coated in oil. Yeah, yeah. Then you place each one individually in the baking tray. Then you want to season the chicken before you put it in the oven, just with a bit of salt and black pepper. Nice. Right?

Black. I think you want the oven on 200 degrees on a fan oven, or it might be 180, but it'll be on the back of the packet anyway 200 degrees on a fan oven, or it might be 180, but it'll be on the back of the packet anyway. It's always around 180, isn't it? 180, 200, nearly everything. Lash it in the oven for 15 minutes. After 15 minutes, take it out,

and you want to put a load of chilli and garlic, like the one you can get like a Schwartz little tub of dried chilies. Yeah. Chili flakes and a bit of garlic powder. Put them on all of them and then turn them over and put salt and pepper on the back of them. So the chili and garlic is now touching the base of the bacon of the roasting tin. And the top has just got salt and pepper on again. Put it back in for another 15 minutes.

When you take it out after 15 minutes, you put chili and garlic on the side that hasn't had any yet. You flip them over one more time. But at this stage, you also drain all the oil off it and just put them back in dry for 10 more minutes. So there's your 40 minutes. That's how long it normally takes

to cook these things from frozen. Then when you take them out, you would have heated some buffalo sauce. Now just buy. You can get a recipe for it. You buy Frank's hot sauce, and then you can add your own cane, pepper and butter and stuff, whatever. Or you can just buy Frank's buffalo sauce. It's so good. You won't beat it yourself at home.

Frank's buffalo sauce, and you can really, you won't beat it yourself at home. Frank's buffalo sauce and you can either cover all your wings in it or you can do what I do and have a bowl of the sauce, nice and hot, next to your wings and just dip as you want to go because I like a dry wing as well. Oh. I love it when he takes his food

seriously. It'll be spicy as fuck! And loads of salty shit oh Franks mate that red hot sauce and the buffalo sauce that's the shit I have on pizza a little bit of that on pizza

I've been having it on salad been having buffalo sauce because it's not very calorific at all so instead of putting like garlic sauce or whatever mayonnaise on my salad i've just been putting a bit of salad up yeah that's okay adam's been having hot salad that's my salad hey uh not to leave you left out, Dan.

Do you have any gardening tips? No, not really a gardener. I just twat around in it. I don't know what I'm doing. I do essentially landscaping. I'm growing my own chillies, but I fuck them up. I have no idea how you do that. You need YouTube, Google.

I don't know. I am shit at that stuff. But I tell you what I need to know. How you stop fucking cats or foxes or whatever it is shitting on your lawn. So never mind asking me, I'm asking everyone else. Tell me, because I've got a problem, something keeps shitting on my front lawn and it's done it twice in the same spot.

So it's not even like, oh, it's not an accident. I feel like it's personal. You think there's a fox that is targeting you specifically what's happened there if they like this is the if they decided it's the perfect spot to shit in because you don't that's not an accident is that the second it's almost like oh is he moved that one i'm gonna do it again i'm literally waking up and going out to check if there's shit on my front lawn and i i don't know what i'm going to do about it. Maybe I should put some fucking buffalo sauce just

on the grass. Sorry, do it for a second because she's going to fill my water up for me. Thank you, darling. Oh, that'd be amazing. Just a little bit of hot sauce on the grass where just like the fox or whatever it is would just notice it at the last minute

as the buffalo sauce just touched its fucking puckered arsehole. Hang on, you want to put buffalo sauce on a fox's arsehole? I want to leave it on the grass where he shits. You'd have to cover the whole fucking garden though, wouldn't you? He keeps pooing in the same spot. Oh. I know same spot. Oh.

I know which spot it is. Just a little bit of buffalo sauce. I think he's doing it on purpose. Little fucker. Why would he be doing it on purpose? I don't know. Why is it in the same spot? It feels aggressive.

Maybe it's different foxes and they're trying to mark their territory. What, and they're having a turf war over my fucking turf? Oh, I'm not happy about this. I've just seeded that. It's annoying. How do you know it's not Etta? Because she lets me know before, during and after a poo. She doesn't do anything.

She sneaks like, Daddy, I need a poo. You're like, go and have a poo then. Daddy, I'm having a poo. Come and talk to me. Hold my hand. and after a poo. She doesn't do anything. Sneaks like, Daddy, I need a poo. You're like, go and have a poo. Daddy, I'm having a poo. Come and talk to me. Hold my hand. I need a poo. Daddy, I'm having a poo. Daddy, I finished my poo.

That's what she wants you to think. Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, I know when me daughter poos, when really she's sneaking out in the night to shit in the garden and blame it on a poor fox. Fucking hell. If that was her poo the other day,

she needs a priest, not even a doctor. That'd be you. From Stanley, a bit of a sneaky would you rather. If only one could restart now and one had to wait till January 2022, would you rather it be the Premier League or live comedy?

Stanley, you little bastard. Live comedy. Yeah. Daddy needs to get paid. I don't even, like... I think I could survive on a shit amount of money at the minute if I could just do comedy for free. I just need to get out and say some shit in front of people.

I just want it back. I've gone without football for long enough now that I can... It would be horrible to make this decision. I can't go without comedy for another 18 months. I reckon I could just about manage to go without football. So what did you tweet? I just saw it before the podcast. You tweeted

out a poll, didn't you? Yeah, so I thought it was interesting. Like if Boris went on the news today and went right, the comedy clubs can open tomorrow and it can be at maximum capacity. Thank you, you babe I love you it's been very nice to Jay

didn't he when she left before I don't know whether you heard but I went that's a joke and she heard it and she said she's now spat in me drink so what I said was if Boris went on the news today and went right comedy clubs can open tomorrow

there's no social distancing you can pack the place out blah blah blah would you go and either perform or watch and there was four options so it was I'm a comedian and yes I'd go and watch I'm a comedian and no I wouldn't and I'm an audience yes and no, I wouldn't. And I'm an audience, yes and no as well.

Yeah. And it's quite grim, the results. What would you do if they said it's sound and Hot Water had 225 people in that basement? Would you go? Would you do the gig? Yeah, I would, yeah. Yeah, I would, because...

would yeah yeah i would because this this is gonna sound like i'm being really blasé about it but uh i think you know the no social distancing thing is probably where this poll was always gonna go one way because i think people are like well no that sounds that sounds awful but i just think and i don't think it's going to happen like that for a while like there is they are going to reopen with social distancing and i think a lot of people might it'd be interesting to see what with one meter with the rules around a one meter how many people be willing to go out tomorrow i think as soon as you say it looks like the government's... According to very widely reported rumours, the government's going to completely scrap the two-metre rule for the hospitality industry.

This week. In the next week, they're going to go from two to one. I don't think they're going to even go to one. I think they're going to scrap it. They're going to scrap social distancing? For the hospitality industry, yeah. Because the hospitality industry have essentially said, we will sack half of our workforce with any social distancing.

So it's now down to personal responsibility, isn't it? If you are vulnerable and you want to hide from it, would I go with no social distancing? God, hot water's a very, very close-knit one. At the Frog and Bucket in Manchester, as an act, it's pretty much, for punters, it'll be the same wherever you go. If there's no social distancing, you are going to be in the audience, aren't you? But at the Frog, you could socially distance.

You wouldn't have to go within a metre of anyone if you chose not to hot water physically you'd have to get on stage you'd have to getting on hot water I am quite a good comic I always look a bell end for the first 10 seconds because I have not got the skill

down of getting in between on the diagonal to the corner of the stage I have to touch strangers and i start apologizing because instead of just barging through and my worst is when it's two attractive women and you're like i'm sorry i have to fucking rub my balls on one and my ass on the other i probably would though because laura's back at work we're not look etta's gonna be at nursery. We're not isolating from it.

I've got no old people that I'm in contact with. We're not vulnerable because of our health and we're not hiding from it. So we might as well crack on and have an income because that's the other problem that's looming.

So yeah, I think I would and I'm not trying to sound like I don't give a shit. I do, but I genuinely think we have to not trying to sound like I don't give a shit, I do, but I genuinely think we have to go back to work, I've got a fucking mortgage and a family. Yeah, well, I would as well, I don't think Jade would be happy that I would, I think that we'll both get a bit of judgment for saying this, if, I think there'll be listeners of ours who are like, I would not do that and blah

blah blah and i get it because a lot of people are still scared of this thing and i'm i don't think it's necessarily you know i'm not one of these people oh it's just the flu don't just get over it it's time to move on i'm not like that i'm just i'm getting to a point where i think a bit of personal responsibility is the way to go because that's what people are doing anyway. And I think what, a friend of ours went to Knowsley Safari Park today. I'll tell you who it was later. And the thing is, and it's the same in Asda and Tesco and the supermarkets, and it'll be the same at Chester Zoo and it'll be the same everywhere else.

They can open under the guise of, well, we've put these signs out that say two metres, but no one is. Have you been in a shop? People are fucking dry humping you, tickling you, kissing you on the neck. Old people. Old people just leaning over. You're like, why am I unemployed trying to protect you?

You're over 75. If you can't help yourself, I be working and i gonna like adam just said people will be listening infuriated like this is ridiculous you're being really irresponsible like who are we trying to protect because these shops and in the queue for b and q it's a lot of fucking pensions like that we're out we've always gone out why should we change like what are we doing yeah it's um i don't even know i feel irresponsible saying it sometimes but well the thing is we've said repeatedly and let's just say it again now don't anyone listen to this podcast and think we're giving you actual advice especially in this bit in the have a word section sometimes

we do in this bit it's just it's a forum for us to sort of empty our thoughts isn't it and be able to have the time because you can't do it with a fucking tweet

you can't have this conversation over Twitter with 140 or 280 characters you need to be able to talk about it and I I'm less scared of this virus now than I was at the start of this thing.

That's the thing. And I'm not saying anyone should be forced to go out or forced back into work or whatever. But if I was given the opportunity to do a gig anywhere without social distancing, I would do it. I definitely would. I think you'd take precautions, wouldn't you? It's not like, oh, I'm not going to give a shit. I think you'd take precautions, wouldn't you? It's not like,

oh, I'm not going to give a shit. I think you'd take personal precautions and I think most venues would make sure, even without social distancing, there were certain things in place to make their customers feel comfortable. I don't think it's just going to be like, doors open,

in you go, doesn't matter. I think they will make everyone feel as comfortable with it, because then it becomes about public perception, and how you make profit, and if you are seen as blasé and reckless, then you won't get custom, because customers will go, mate, that's ridiculous, they've jammed everyone in next to each other, there's no way of like, people will naturally not want to be fucking

cuddling up to absolute strangers for the whole night and even though that might just be psychosomatic i think that will be for the next six months i think it's gonna it's gonna benefit these venues if they make it seem like they've made certain precautions but the two meter rule is so prohibitive they'll be bust by September, won't they? That's what I was getting around to before. Asda can say, we're open with social distancing practices, but they're not.

They've put a few signs on the floor, but no one's enforcing it. They have that one-way system. No one adheres to it in the shops that I go to. There's members of staff seeing people not adhere to it. They don't go, oh, do as a favour, it's a one-way thing. They're just letting it happen because they don't give a shit. But they can open under the guise

of, we've got a two-meter thing in place so that's fine. A comedy club can't do that because they go, well, you've got 220 seats. If someone's in one seat, that actually takes nine seats out because you've got the one to the right of them, the one to the left of them, the one to the left of them, the three

in front of them, and the three behind them. They're all within a one metre radius. So you end up with a ninth of the capacity, and 220 becomes 25. So, of course, you can have two people next to each other if they're from the same house, so then maybe it takes up to 40,

45, or something like that. But any more tickets sold than that then the government could legitimately go or the police or anyone who or whoever's responsibility it is to make sure social distancing is being adhered to could go well you've sold 60 tickets so how are you getting 60 people in show me how you can possibly get 60 people in at any point what was your plan and they can't do it can they it's just not possible no and so this is where the the misconception of like and i've talked to family members and friends over the last month or so and they're like well i just think we just need to you know you know we need to stay in and you've got to just like keep going as we are why would you open the schools let's just

make sure that it's gone and you're like that's part of the problem is a lot of people think just stay in and then it'll go you're like it's not covid19 is not going to get bored and fuck off covid19 is not gonna be like oh this is fucking dull I've been doing this since March yeah I'll just drift off now the only way that would ever happen is if every single person apart from a government body stayed in their own

houses they got food parcels delivered once a week or every day or whatever by someone who is tested every morning have you got COVID covered no you haven't okay you go and deliver all this food today that is the only way that it just disappears yeah absolute true worldwide isolation yeah you didn't and how long would it's that so it's that's not going to happen that can't happen like new zealand is covid 19 free isn't it yeah for now

because people will visit new zealand it's just so i just think how how long is this going to be with us and is there just going to have to be some acceptance of like okay if you're vulnerable i get it you're gonna but you're gonna have to take precautions like for everyone else if it's going to be around how long can you go like this how long can a country go like this it's not it's not it can't go on for 6 12 18 months can it and there's the long-term damages to people's mental health there's the long-term damages to people's mental health. There's the long-term damages to the economy that will see people die from poverty and stuff. And it's such a complex issue

that I never feel truly comfortable giving a proper opinion on. Like lockdown should end now or this should happen. I don't know. And I genuinely believe at the minute, nobody fucking knows. For every expert saying one thing, there's another expert saying the exact opposite. I haven't got a fucking clue what the best thing to do is um and i'm just being a bit selfish because i want

to do a fucking gig i don't think it's everyone's allowed their opinion on this and and when we and when we have opinions on stuff like this you don't have to listen and agree you don't have to listen and agree we're not trying to wind anyone up. I also think I really like a lot of the interaction we've had with our listeners over the six months we've been doing this because we've had emails going, mate, can I just sort of counter what you said here? Like on a few things. And I love that our listeners have got a brain and go, oh, actually, I disagree. I think it's a really, like, a good trait, especially when it comes to comedy, when people can go, yeah, I see why you think that's funny. I just don't agree with it.

Maybe it is funny, but I still don't agree with it. When did it become so abhorrent to be like, I don't completely agree with what's being said, but I don't even think this is being, I don't think we're being, like, trivial. I don't think think this is being... I don't think we're being trivial. I don't think it's going anywhere. So I think some of us will start having to look forward and go, maybe we've got to start living with this.

And I don't want to deliver for fucking Hermes. I don't want to do it. I don't want to be a... You're used to just delivering herpes, aren't you, lad? You're fucking... Oh, I tell you what, lad. You're riddled with it, a... You're used to just delivering hairpies, aren't you, lad? Oh! I tell you what, lad. You're riddled with it, lad. You're a filthy little hair people.

Mama like that. Mama like that. That's why they pay him the fucking big bucks. Order! Order! Order! Order! With comedy in mind

evening lids this is from James Fuchs who considers himself a word as original quick one would you rather live with 100 comedians or 100 seagulls seagulls I tell you what James you're an awful cunt and I

like the way your man works seagulls seagulls 100 comedians you're an awful cunt. And I like the way your mind works, though. Seagulls, seagulls. A hundred comedians. Basically, this is, would you rather live on the beach or in the loft bar of Edinburgh? On the beach, drink it. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. You're not even allowed to choose. It's just the first hundred that answer like an advert on the facebook comedy forum oh no um guys we've got a a hundred a hundred spots available adam rose house who's interested comment underneath bellend bellend bellend decent guy bellend bellend bellend half decent comic bellend bellend bellend decent guy bellend bellend bellend half decent comic bellend bellend 100 comedians

no oh how long I couldn't even pick 100 comedians who I'd be okay living with you know what I mean like random I can't pick 100 comedians that I like full stop

I reckon I'd struggle to pick 12 comedians. To live with? Now, are you talking, so you've got a two bedroom place. Jade's gone. She's just, she's decided that she wants to puncture the feet of other men. You know? And that's what she's just she's decided that she wants to puncture the feet of other men you know and that's what she's into now she wants to leave her dangerous sewing hedgehog in other places all right it's not a euphemism literally that's what she wants to do um she heard you take the piss out of an eight-year-old um it's a two so someone to come and move in you couldn't name 12

Or are you talking about I couldn't name 12 that I want to live with I don't want to live with 12 people ever In any circumstance But you mean 12 individuals to come and flat share with No I reckon I could do that I reckon

I reckon there might be 12 That I could live in This three bedroom house with Mate Just look back over the last I reckon there might be 12 that I could live in this three-bedroom house with. Mate, just look back over the last two and a half months of this podcast where we have talked to each other for about five, six, seven hours a week, and that's not easy, is it? And this is quite fun, and it's still not easy. I think about my favourite comedians like Barry Dodds.

I absolutely love Barry Dodds. He's a fucking nutter. I want to go for a beer with him occasionally. I want to talk to him on the phone. I want to live with the mad twat. Hey, did you see a ghost? Neither did you, you fucking lunatic. So now there's almost no, like, I've lived with a couple of comics.

I ain't going back I swear to god if Laura leaves there's not going to be a fucking divorced house share I would literally rather live with seagulls and I ate the fucking pedos oh by the way if you've never heard the episode

where I called seagulls pedos no context don't contextualise for all these fucking casual fans. Fuck them, mate. Mate, no context have a word. I have got a fucking umbrage with

whoever's doing that. Whoever's doing that. The whole no context thing is like, oh God, if you just take these statements out of context, they're hilarious. If you take the context, let's get away from black people and adam going and then clip that off that's fucking brutal yeah well no i am all for it by the way no context have a word whoever you are and i hope we never find out who you are by the way way. I'm quite happy to have this silent fucking hero out there in the wilderness doing this.

I fucking loved that one. I really did. I think the most fun No Context Have A Words are the ones that could get us in the most trouble. Keep doing exactly what you're doing. No filter. Do whatever you want. We don't know who you are. We can do nothing

about it. Fuck Dan and his career. the coffee's bubbling back up listen this is the thing is adam you are now like brilliant because i just had it done to me but you can have it done to you and this dickhead on this side of the zoom meeting isn't getting on Live at the Apollo any time this lifetime. You are within touching distance of Live at the Apollo. Could you imagine if the rejection email has fucking 18 attachments

from no context have a word? It's just you going, I don't like Jews, in some random voice. Oh shit, that's the no context of a word. Did you just say you don't like Jews? Just confirm this for me, Dan. Did the words, yes or no,

did the words, I don't like Jews, just leave your mouth? Did they? Yeah, I was characterising you, and it's all... No, no, no no that's ok you fucking lid I'd say I don't like Muslims either

I don't like Christians the Catholics can suck me dick all religions in the fucking bin new world order every religious person is a fucking nonce there you go now that's all fun innit apart from if no context have a word

at no context have a word, at no context have a word, just clips off the first bit about Muslims. No, let them do it. It's funny. The whole point of it is it's out of context. If people want the full context, you can't get in trouble for something out of context. Because then we can give it the context.

That's how the Daily Mail have existed for years. I'll be fine. Oh, Adam, you've got more to lose, kid. Do you love podcasts? Have you always wanted to do your own, but you don't know how? Well, here at Lightwork Studios, if you've got an idea for a podcast, then we want to record it and record it well.

Whether you're doing your first podcast or you've been doing it for years, we think all podcasts should look and sound as good as possible. And with prices starting from £30 an hour, we are by far the best priced professional podcast studio in London. We've got three HD cameras, six top of the range mics and a sound technician on hand to make sure that all you have to focus on is talking we can have the recording edited and sent to you the very same day find us at lightweightpodcast.com so we can help record your next podcast sending your questions and suggestions to have a word pod at gmail.com let's crack on with this nonsense. Adamski.

This is supposed to be the whole podcast. Now it's just the final 10%. You think jingles are your ally? Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Oh, you think darkness is your ally? I merely adopted the dark. I was born in it. I was born in it. I wore glitter in it. Oh, dear.

Oh, shit, it's me, isn't it? I was waiting for you. I was waiting for you to start. It's my episode, my serve. This is from Rob Shields. Thanks, Rob. Appreciate all the stuff you do. You are a regular contributor and you do loads of stuff on Twitter as well.

So, sapning lads, lids, sorry, sapning lids. Can you have a word with the people who make calls over the built-in loudspeaker in their cars but have it at the same volume as if they were pumping out Wig and Peer tunes from their tape deck of their Renault Clio when they were 17?

The whole world does not need to hear Denise asking you to pick up bread and milk on your way back home. Bad gimps. I love any email that ends bad gimps you must love every email you get then lad because that's what people call you in it zinger um wigan's got some fucking mentions on this podcast isn't it uh jilly bean if you'd like to Google Wigan. Yeah, it's weirdly... He's got people having loudspeaker conversations

in their car with their windows open so he can hear them. Have you... No, no. People have them so loud with their windows up. You're like, what the fuck? I know exactly what Rob's on about.

You're like, what the fuck? And they've got them so deafeningly loud. You can hear it's so annoying. And when he emailed, I was like, oh, he's talking about people having loudspeaker conversations on the phone, which is a bit bell sniffy, by the way. But, yeah, I do know what you mean, mate. People who are having full-volume stupid conversations,

it's more annoying when it's some businessman in his fucking company car. I'm a nosy company, so I like hearing that shit because I want to know what's going on in people's lives. You know what I mean? Especially if it's a businessman. No, no, no. We have to get the Nasdaq up to the D square. I'm like, oh shit. I feel like I'm getting insider

trader information. Oh lad, the fucking Nasdaq's up to the D square. Yeah. The problem is I'm a moron so even if I heard some crucial it's like stock information i wouldn't know what to fucking do with it send it on to me yeah what are you thinking about investing in what what would be what would be your big say i was like adam we've

done so well with all the have a word stuff fucking patrons kicking off patreon.com slash have a word pod we need to there's going to be a fucking sale in bronze soon because they're going to melt those statues down kids there's going to be fucking plenty of bronze going you know what I mean but that means bronze is going to go down isn't it the price of bronze is going to go down

yeah but I'll invest once it's gone down oh so you're going to buy statue low yeah and then it comes back up and then they start making more statues again of like people who ended slavery yeah and then the Olympics

has been moved back but there's gonna be hopefully a few joint thirds fucking hell get a bit of that fucking yeah I like it good thinking I'm gonna be a fucking thousand there mate a few joint thirds. Fucking hell. Get a bit of that fucking... Yeah, I like it. Good thinking. I'm going to be a fucking thousand there, mate.

That's what I'm going to be. I'm going to have thousands of pounds. I've invested £10,000 in brand and that £10,000 is now worth £10,027. Hey, where'd you get that kind of interest? Only took two and a half years passive income yeah

next one from Tanya I love you guys please keep doing what you're doing we will this one might get me in some shit but please please have a word with my fucking family who keep banging on about missing out on their fucking summer hauls to Portugal because of this, she's put it in quotation marks, ridiculous quarantine set up when you get back. That, by the way, my dad is literally obsessed with.

You'd honestly think it was only him who might have to do it. I'm not saying it's right, but there's obviously some reason for it. And people have lost more during this whole shit show than 10 days in Albufeira pissing me off. I would have loved it if she'd have written bad gimps at the end of that email. It would have been fucking amazing. Have a day with my fucking family.

Bad gimps. Yeah, fuck you. So, Dad's having a whinge because he's got to quarantine when he gets back from holiday. Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She just, she's having, basically bitching about like, what about the summer holiday?

Well, I know it's a fucking pandemic, but we're meant to be going away. Yeah, no, look, here's the thing. If he's allowed to go on holiday, then that's a fucking result, innit? Yeah. So, like, this is me problem. If you said to me, you can do a gig tonight, but then

you've got to quarantine for a week. I'd fucking take it, do you know what I mean? I'd be like, sound, I'll stay in for a week if I can go and do a gig tonight. We've got to change certain things. And I totally understand that. If you're getting to go on holiday, but then what? You've got to have another holiday when you get back,

but it's just got to be in your fucking garden. Sound, I'll take that. That's a fucking result. It adds a meth. I love it. You can do a gig, but you've got to quarantine for a week. That's a fucking nightmare, isn't it? Because then you're going to gig on a Saturday,

and then obviously you've got to have a full week off so the next time you can gig is a Sunday oh god and then it's a ball ache and then a week off and then you get a Monday I reckon you can get away with doing Saturday to Saturday yeah

so you can just gig on Saturday nights and then you'd have to make a decision of like my colleagues would fucking love to have a gig every Saturday nights. And then you'd have to make a decision of like... My colleagues would fucking love to have a gig every Saturday night even when fucking lockdown isn't in place, kid. Do you know if you... I'm a professional comedian.

I do three gigs a month, two on Saturdays, one on a Friday, and I run them all. I'm a very, very... A lot of people book me, especially me, to compare. No shit. If you book yourself to close, no. I'm not a fucking idiot.

I've got a business to run. As soon as you got in that cycle, you'd be a bit fucked, though, wouldn't you? You'd be like, oh, shit, I picked a Saturday. Every dickhead picked a Saturday. You'd be really like, if you're the guy that picked a Thursday, the only comic that picked a Thursday, like, yes, I've nailed this. I'm the most in-dem the Thursday, like, yes, I've nailed this. I'm the most in-demand Thursday comic in the country.

I can only earn 120 quid. But I keep getting bookings. It is going to be an absolute shit show if they open it all up and they're like, right, we're booking gigs. Everyone's like, it'd be absolutely horrific when Russell Kane's sniffing around your 150-quid gig in Wigan.

Another Wigan reference! Ah, dear. Hollybobs. I've booked, I've got a holiday booked for the end of September because Ryanair offered me a voucher and they were saying in the papers, like, Ryanair will not give a refund.

And then there was a thing coming out going, oh, but they're legally, I've said a couple of people say, well, they're legally obliged to give you. I'm like, I don't think legally obliged counts for shit at the moment. Ryanair owes something like a billion pounds in refunds. They can't give a billion pounds out. So I just thought, you know what, I'm going to take this. I'm going to just book for the end of September. It was the same flight to the same place. Airbnb gave us a refund. We're going to Mallorca at the end of September. I just thought

it's worth a throw of the dice because if I'm not getting the refund back, I might as well try and book those tickets early. It was exactly the same price. was uh the seats available and i'm hoping by september september the 20th we're gonna go we could we could do it without the old choir i mean it's all fucking who knows but where would you got a small chance of being sound small one yeah yeah i think it's it's not i don't think it's us that are the problem apparently Spain are like no I don't want you you're silly that blonde cunt running your country

we're not like where would you go now if I could just give you a holiday Adam you Jade I'd go dead basic you know I'd go Tenerife Tener-fucking-reefy because it's going to be hot and the water park in tenerife is fucking there's a fucking global pandemic and the second thing

you referenced is the fucking water how good is a war hey no you can't catch covid on a fucking wet slide that's science, mate. Well, you'd go fucking flying right past the disease. Yeah, exactly. Too fast. COVID's like, come here. I'm tending to COVID. Come here.

He's too fast, that one. Yeah. I mean, we signed. Have you been to the park in Tenerife? No. I am parked. Mate, I've heard about it, right? Do you remember?

You'll have done the gigs, but I got offered the gigs where... No, I've heard about it right do you remember you'll have done the gigs but I got offered the gigs where no I haven't done them oh right there was a gig where

so many comics went out and did it like pay you over yay come over do the gig is this the same gig where they were like you

can either get paid in money or cocaine it's up to you someone has I think someone has put it in an email like you

can't get paid in coke i don't see why this would be illegal in written format that lasts forever and they were literally like part of the sales pitch was it's a great gig lovely people possibly pay you in coke and the water park you get a free ticket for the water park i was like this sounds fucking mental this gig like how i didn't go it just didn't work out timings wise but in my head i'm like mate imagine that just you you're bell and may you've been paid in cocaine and you're free on the water park damn that's not a fucking slide yes it is for all the confidence incredible you know oh it's honestly me and jade went to

tenerife for it was either a week no it was a week we went for a week all inclusive and our hotel included a week pass to cyan park right so we could go as often as we want. We spent four days out of our seven at Siam Park. It was that much fun. And the first time we went, there was fucking no one there. It was red hot, but it was just before all the planes were landing full of kids and shit. And it was fucking unreal, because there was

no queues for the slides. We'd just walk right to the front and go down. It's the best water park in the world. It's unreal. Why was there no queues? why was there no queues? Why was there no queues? Because it was just a quiet time of the year. We went like at the start of May.

Oh, that's so satisfying. That's my dream. I think, you know when people go, what is heaven to you? Just a water park with no queues?

With, with cocaine. I think that means I'm not getting in heaven, that my water park is just me, cocaine. You're at the pearly gates, my friend. Welcome. What is it you wish for? Heaven is a multi-layered experience,

depending on what each individual person wants it to be. So you can see people that you choose. You can select as many people as you like. They will be with you. And you can have any setting. You can change whenever you want. What would you like to be first? I want a bag of beak and I want a fucking log flume, mate.

Waterproof, cocaine it after me. But you'll get it in heaven. I can fucking snort it off the fucking paddling pool. Oh, amazing. I want a bag of beak, a log flume, and for the fuck of it, I want me grandad. Let's fucking go, kids. My grandad, he's like, what? My heaven was just sat in my garden with you.

No, no, where the fuck am I? Never mind that. You're in my heaven now, grandad. Oh, my God. Waterproof cocaine and a fucking water park with my granddad oh that'd be amazing how long could you do it before you'd be like yeah my heaven's getting a bit boring oh then pierce morgan turns up because that's his fucking heaven as well like oh dear he's what he's not going, is he not?

He's going to the middle. Oh God. You know what I've always wondered? I'm excited to know what this is. Why is the devil bumming people on that when that's his... If you're a knobhead

and you've pissed God off, then you're one of the devils. Like, you're on his team, aren't you? Because why would he, like, shove shit up your ass and burn you and that if you've been doing what he wants you to do? No. Where have you got this perception that, like,

mate, it's not like a fun detention with, like, a teacher who's a little bit badass and he's got all the bad lads like, I tell you what, lads, you're in here because you know it, but I don't give a shit, let's have some fun. You're not just down there playing poker and, like, fucking smoking cigars like, hey, turn the radiator down, we can't, it's fucking hell.

Why not? No, it's your constant torture. Hell, biblical hell, is an eternity of torture. But the devil runs it, doesn't he? He's the general manager. Yeah. So he's evil.

Yeah, but him and God don't get on. Yeah. So why would he be doing the stuff to the bad people when he's a bad person? He's just a dirty... Do you know what I mean?

He's just a dirty old fucker. He loves it. He just loves... Surely he'd like rather torture the people who get into heaven. Wouldn't he like be trying to find a way

to get to them? Because the people who get sent to hell would be more like him. I don't know why you'd torture someone who's essentially the be more like him. I don't know why you'd torture someone who's essentially the personification of you. I really, honestly, you're reasoning.

I mean, part of the problem here is heaven and hell is such a crock of shit that you end up hitting these reason walls like, oh, it doesn't make sense. Of course it doesn't make sense. It's fucking happy make-believe. And if you believe in the happy make-believe, wicked. I've always said it. I would love it if I believed in heaven.

It must be a treat. But yeah, I like your reasoning. Hell is for everyone who didn't get in heaven and the devil didn't get in heaven. So really it should be like, oh, it's amazing up there. Cocaine, waterproof cocaine, water parks, with whoever you want, not Pits want not piss smoking he's down here but as soon as you get in hell it should be like all right lad because exactly because he's

hey don't worry about that shit up there anyway and your fucking fingers get all weird you know like when you've been in the bath for too long that still happens up there at that fucking heavenly water park come down here nice and warm kid the only person or thing that we that has told us hey this is what hell's like is god and he's bound to be slagging it off any i think he's above it but i get i get your point but he isn't because he put it in the bible he was like hey hell shit and that don't go down there i reckon essentially God and the devil are like owners of rival nightclubs. Right?

No, but listen. The best nightclubs are the ones that you never see any market for, aren't they? Everyone just knows it's good. That's hell. Heaven is the one that they're fucking shouting about for 2 000 years now they'll be like oh come in here the bible and priests are essentially like pr stuff who stand on the street

going two for one shots in here that's what heaven is hell doesn't need that because it's fucking unreal yeah yeah well also isn't really homophobic as, because he's named his kingdom after a gay club. Also, who wants to go to the nightclub full of Christians? No one. All just sitting there fucking eating bread. Although that sounds good. Wine at four o'clock in the morning like a fucking weirdo. You know full well the hell is well better i honestly didn't think we'd tackle theology at the end of this pod that honestly from tanya and alba farah

i didn't think we'd end up on fucking theology but we did uh let's call that a pod because where are we going you answer me can you not what do you understand what i'm saying i'm a fucking atheist adam what are you asking for you're asking me to defend a concept i have absolutely no belief in whatsoever yes i'm well no i'm with you it's a crock of shit I said it sort of makes sense what you're saying but that's not how it's advertised so it's like this is great that's awful and even though he wanted to get up here he's now down there running that

and he will be a dick about it I reckon we need to get the devil on the podcast I reckon we should finally have his say break your silence, if you're listening to this Satan lad, get in touch haveawirdpod at gmail.com. If anyone could knock up some artwork with Adam in Hell, that would be superb.

Well, I want Adam in Hell having a good time. No, no, I want me in Heaven in a Waterpark. I'm asking a lot from Photoshop. I just want to be in, I want to be in hell, me and the devil, there's S Club 7 on, we're having a fucking great time,

I've got, S Club 7 will be in there. I've got a Peroni in me right hand, and we're just having a fucking bell time. No, no. I don't get Peroni in hell. What's your least favourite beer?

No. You're totally misunderstanding what I'm saying. I get what you're saying, but you're not getting a fucking cushion. Hell is heaven for people who've pissed God off. And it's better down there, which is why the devil doesn't have to sell it.

That's why he hasn't written his magazine. Peroni on tap, is it? Or just bottles? Have whatever you want. Doesn't sound quite good. Fucking turbo shandy in the underworld alright weird end but I fucking enjoyed it

thanks to everyone who is a patreon on patreon.com slash have a word pod and after this song we will list all the £10 patrons you can sign up for £3 you get the

exclusive content we do a wednesday episode every week you can sign up for the pledge of five pounds a month or ten pounds a month you get varying degrees of discount on the merch you also all get the wednesday episode and we will see all the patrons there on wednesday and we'll see i'm gonna see the rest of you on Friday fucking afternoon, motherfucker! Oh, God. What's the song called? It's Felix Leiter and Ben Rainey. It's called Good Times.

Track is released Friday, June the 19th on iTunes and all digital platforms. Search DJ Felix Leiter to find on all socials. So, another dance track. Two in a fucking row kit There's a one There's a one There's a one

There's a one It's not over between you and me There's a one It is not over between you and me This one is not over, don't want to be free This one is not over between you and me This one is not over, don't you remember the good times This one is not over between you and me This one is not over, don't want to be free This one is not over Between you and me This one is not over

Don't you remember the good times? This one This one This one This one Don't you 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, Remember the good times It's not over between you and me It's not over, I don't want to be free It's not over, don't want to be free It's not over between you and me

It's not over Don't you remember the good times It's not over It's not over It's not over It's not over It's not over It's not over

It's not over It's not over Remember the good times Over, over, over, over It's not over between you and me It's not over, don't want to be free It's not over between you and me It's not over, don't want to be free It's not over between you and me It's not over, don't want to be free It's not over between you and me It's not over Remember the good times

It's not over ប្រូវប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប Remember the good times As ever on a Monday, the list of our £10 exclusive patrons Aaron Ledbetter, thank you Adam, thank you AJ Gregson, no thank you 10 pound exclusive patrons Aaron Ledbetter Thank you Adam Thank you AJ Gregson No thank you Alex Jones Alexis Bly Ali Richardson

Amy Andrew Boyle Andy Mannix Andy T Anthony Duran Anthony Jollies Barney Wood Barry Parsons

Becky Hale Bethany Griffith Bunny Whitehead Chris Chubbs Chris Jones Chris Townsend Chris Watson Colin Pugh Colette Hine Curtis Charlton Dan Lindsay Daniel Newman Shout out to the Frog. George. Gerard Keane. Graham Cashel. Graham Owens.

Ian Pringle. Ian Chadwick. Jack Robert. Jack Rush. James Fuchs. James Hall. Shout out to James Hall. Jamie Moores.

Janet Roskell. Jason Hopkins. Jason Reynolds. Jay Kyle. Jen Wilson. Jennifer Ridding. Jess Yarwood. Jill Bushell.

Joanne Parr. John Barrowcliffe. John Ryan, Johnny Armstrong, Johnny Edwards, Jonathan Bagley, Jonathan... Easy. That's not Jonathan Morris, forch, and Joseph Moore. All right, lad. Josh. Josh, hold flukes.

Flukes. Julie Smith, Cade Bidwell, Kai, Kate Hamilton, Kathleen Simon, Catherine Wells, Kira Tan, Kenny Gad, Khadija Mir, Kiva Gallagher, Kieran Woodall, Kieran Gibson, Kirstie Leonard, Lee Aitchison, Lee Grant, Liam, Louise Grimes, Mark Cowan, Mark Hammond, Mark Hollenbeck, Mark Pugh, Martin, Matt Delmaine, Matt Flannery, Max Prenti, Maxine Eyre, Megan, Michael Woods, Mike Kivy, Mike Pugh, Mike Quirk, Mike Sullivan, Nathan Shorrocks, Nick Stanard, Owen Badman, Paul McDonald, Pete Graves, Peter Vinton, Rachel Herron, Rachel Whiteley, Rebecca Thomas, Richard Palmer, Rob Barker, Rob Bell, Rob Knowles, I don't know. Let us know, Steve, if we're getting your name wrong. Steve Boris Steve Burress I don't know let us know Steve if we're getting your name wrong Steve Boris I think it's

Steve Burress Steve Green Stephen D Malone Stephen Thompson Terry Burke Texas Jilly Boom Thomas Sivita Tom Chadwick Tom Lazarus Tom Rowe Tom Simpson Tom Twisselton Tony P and Wes Coakley thanks guys

appreciate the fuck out of you