Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #66 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 19, 2020

Please give us a follow on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok and Facebook @haveawordpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now then lids, if you'd like to support the podcast, please visit patreon.com slash have a word pod and sign up. Everyone that signs up on Patreon will get discounts for merch, discounts for live shows, also early availability on content and tickets. And this is the big one, you will get the Wednesday afternoon Patreon exclusive episode. So Monday's episode is for everybody. Friday's, that's for every motherfucker as well. But Wednesday's episode is only on Patreon. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod.

What's happening guys? It's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via

their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme. Past themes have been the beers of Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and many, many more. And they've kindly given our listeners an exclusive offer. You'll get a free case of eight beers,

an award-winning beer magazine, and a tasty snack the second you sign up. They'll send them out in the post here and you can't catch corona from the post. All you have to do is pay a few quid for the delivery and you can cancel or pause your membership at any time. Sign up now at beer52.com slash word. That's our exclusive link.

That's B-E-E-R-5-2 dot com slash W-O-R-D. You'll claim your free case of beer and for every person that signs up via that link only, they slide us a little bit of money. That supports the podcast. It helps us out. It's win-win. So do us a favour. Pause the pod here. Go and do that now and then enjoy the episode. Nice one. See you in a bit.

Fucking did it in one take, bro. Yeah, man. Now, I'm getting the word not. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. Catch me outside, how about that? I'm big-boned.

I'm heavy-structured. I'm hung low. If I pull my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting! Follow us on social media at Have A Word Pod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at YouTube.com forward slash have a word pod. They go by Alan and Dave,

Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Don't be a Tory. Down your tub or shandy and tell a friend. This is Have A Word. Oh, hello. Oh. Mama like that. Mama like that mama like that oh adam's wearing his fucking sexy andy warhol tupac

t-shirt i can't hear you but i know you're being a cunt oh i'm genuinely i've already pressed record and i'm really glad that everyone heard that that's not that's not the mood i'm in today still he still can't hear me. Genuinely, I've just been laughing because I'm already recording and I was like, oh, hello. And I was literally going, oh, I like his t-shirt.

Mama like that. Mama like that. And I was like, oh, it's a nice two-pack, Andy. And you were like, I can't hear you, but I know you're being a cunt. I thought I was being really nice, actually. Well, that says more about you than it does about me.

That says that you're nasty to me more often than you're nice, and that's why I assumed it. Yeah, that's right. I'm arguing like a fucking woman today. Jesus Christ. Right in that situation, I was a bellend, wasn't I? I was a bellend, but I turned it round and made you look like the bellend like a fucking woman does.

I've been gaslighted. Am I being gaslighted? Oh, Adam, I am in a fucking good mood. Oh, I feel fucking great. Did you get laid last night? No. No? No. No. No.

And don't get me wrong, that would have been an absolute touch. My darling wife, if you're listening, anytime you want, see you before Christmas. But I've been out for a bit of exercise. I've jiggled my tits around the village. And I have started to believe that we are going to one meter, and I think venues are going to be open from the start of July. I think it's about to go down.

But there's a lot of venues that can't. Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I get there's some that can't okay okay okay i get it i get there's some that can't but i'm telling you i think today's press conference they've just turned the little like fucking number blocks meter down from to three which is like instead of like it's like and i think that's them going you know what's really fucking annoying go on really annoying right you see what you've just done you just i'm just going to verbat. Right. You see what you've just done.

You just, I'm just going to verbatim repeat back to you what you've just said. They've turned it down from four to three, which means it's not, it's not right. And we've been doing this podcast so intensely and so often that what you've just said makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. And I knew exactly what you feel. You're in my mind mind i'm in your mind

we're gaslighting each other i think i think he's gonna say that it's one meter and i think some venues are going to be able to open from the start of july some won't i think some will and i am not saying that that is all good there's going to be a lot of people who hear that and go that's reckless it's dangerous but i think there's also a lot of people who are like we have to get moving and people are going to have to take personal responsibility and daddy wants to fucking make some money from the comedy before a he forgets how to do comedy and B, I spend the fucking savings on Amazon. I need some income. It's all fucking outgoing.

I tell you what, right? Last night, I did a gig. I went to Hot Water last night. So, before this all kicked off, there was a gig booked on the Isle of Man,

and it was sort of an affiliate of Hot Water Comedy Club. They weren't running it, but there was a guy on the Isle of Man who wanted a gig at his pub or whatever, so Hot Water booked it, and they specifically asked for me when it was booked because Paul Smith was not available. I was in their price range.

I'm about six down that list as well it goes paul adam and freddie danny then a couple other than it i'm like i'm our eighth or ninth i'm pushing for europa in hot water priority um and so the gig got cancelled but right now the isle of man is covid free and there's no social distancing on the Isle of Man, everything's open no social distancing in place at all so he messaged me last week yeah 100% is it shut down travel wise?

no, he messaged me last week just no one wants to go so they don't need to shut it down no one's going to visit he messaged me and was like we're open again so do you want to come over and do this gig to go so they don't need to show it down. No one's going to visit, are they? He messaged me and was like, we're open again, so do you want to come over and do this gig? We can just reschedule it for next week and I'm pretty sure we'll just be able to sell the tickets.

And I was like, mate, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable getting on a fucking plane at the minute. I don't know whether I'll have to quarantine when I get back, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So he got into some hot water and what they did last night was, you know like all these Zoom gigs that have been done they did one of them

but exclusively streamed to his pub so Danny McLachlan compared Jamie Sutherland opened Freddie Quinn went on second and I closed the night out. A hot water to no audience. Now

as our listeners and you are aware, since lockdown has happened, there's been a lot of gigs like this. Most of them done via Zoom in the comfort of your own home. Hot Water and the Stand Comedy Club have started doing them at the venue. And the reason I said yes to this one is twofold.

First of all, I didn't want to say no to Paul Blair, who owns Hot Water Comedy Club again. I've turned down a lot of what he sent my way over the lockdown, and I owe that club a lot. I literally owe them most of my career. They've been amazing for me, so I was like, okay. And also, this guy specifically wanted me,

and I was like, if I'm going to do one of these Zoom gigs, instead of doing one that gets publicly broadcast to fucking everyone, I'd rather do it, if it's going to be shit, and I'm not going to enjoy it, I'd rather it just be to 40 people in a pub on the Isle of Man. Who will love it? You know they'll love it, but no one can watch

it on YouTube after the fact. 100%. And I did it last night and being back in a comedy club and just having a couple of me mates there was so much fun. Just bitching when someone else is on stage, knowing they're bitching about you

when you're on. It was just fun. That was really good. But it has not made me want to do another gig. It's not the same. It's not right. Performing to no audience and just pausing for effect.

It was weird. And I have forgotten every fucking joke i've ever written so you know i did you know i did the covid arms for kiri a couple of weeks ago and we've had a few listeners i've had tweets saying oh we loved it and i i literally the podcast i was like hi i'm done i didn't get i start literally on the video in front of this i go oh what's this behind me oh i've got a podcast i was like there was 4 000 people watching i was like i was letting everyone know so the for the benefits of our listeners the covid arms which dan has just referenced is a

virtual pub that was set up by comedian uh kiri pritchard mclean who started about a similar time to me she's from north wales and she set up this thing and they they take donations don't they for this uh event that's on every week like a donation ticket in it yeah big name comedians on uh and what they do is they split it 50 50 half goes the comedians half goes to the trussell trust is that right yeah something like that yeah um which is a a great thing and yeah so what was that like we so you were sat there but were you doing stand-up is that the idea of it yes it's a it's a she i mean kiri's one of the hardest workers and she's also me and danny

mack talked about this a couple years ago she're trying to describe her because we're both mates with her. She's one of the best fucking plate spinners in the whole industry. She makes comics like, I do stand-up. And what else? And just stand-up. Well, I do a stand-up and a podcast. And she's like, well, what else? And you're like, nothing.

She's got like seven fucking plates spinning. She's incredible for that. And as soon as it hit, she used all the contacts and all her nows like, nothing? She's got like seven fucking plates spinning. She's incredible for that. And as soon as it hit, she used all the contacts and all her nows to start basically a live stream comedy gig and branded it as a pub. Like it's the COVID arms. It's like a pub, but really it's just one of these Zoom gigs. You and me have worked so hard on this pod i think we must be up at around the 55 how many episodes have we done in a shutdown 60 no 50 odd we must be 50 yeah because i think we were on like episode 13 or 14 when we when we went we've done it was like the end of march one and we didn't start till the middle of january and we've done four or five patreon episodes it's 50 odd but she shut down she just went straight for stream gig stream gigs

it's literally taken some comedy clubs till like two weeks ago to start thinking about doing a stream gig it's amazing if you just hit the ground running what you can achieve three to four thousand people pay to watch it either um in the front row which is a bit more and then there's like a stream and there's a code to it and you and me well it's like the same as all of these zoom meetings where they pay extra and then they're in the front row and they and they can be taught to so the guy like they can be interacted with so everyone else's page is just seeing the stream amazing amazingly well done and like you and me said because we when we when this kicked off adam was like i'm not doing one of the live stream gigs and i was like well neither am i i've done two pre-record things one for john richardson one for

the stand that's easy because pre-records you just get to do three to five minutes of stand up and if it's gone wrong you press delete and you do it again so much control in that that's like having a fucking that's like one of those adam sandler films with like a rewind button like it's genius god if you could have had that for every gig you've ever had um but yeah the stream gigs i've just avoided them because i'm like yeah it's like what's the there's so many analogies but like adam just said about it's not the same it's like sex without a condom compared to sex in like a hazmat suit it it is sort of the same but it's definitely not the real deal the covid arms was i think really really friendly and that was that

was just a a way better atmosphere than oh i don't know like it's just a it it's been it was easy because kiri made it easy because she's a mate and there's no pressure but i just i saw it for what it was and like it was three and a half thousand people watching and a chance to like sell the podcast. I was like, I can't remember my new bits. I can't try new stuff. And at one point I was like, she laughed at one of my bits because you can see her on the screen. I was like, that's very generous, Kiri, because that's eight years old. That bit's like one of my oldest intro bits. And she was like, oh, it's great. I was like, yeah, but you've seen it 180 times. And she was like, yeah, that intro bits and she was like oh it's great i was like yeah but you've seen it 180 times and she was like yeah that's fine i was like i just didn't want to do new stuff she was like you could do new stuff i'm not going in front of three and a half thousand people

to be like hi guys hi everyone oh who's on after me frankie boyle well let me tell you what i've been uh thinking about um i feel nervous about shaking hands with black guys. Okay, maybe another different bit of new material. Oh, God, not that one. It's just the wrong time to try new bits, isn't it? And I just played it safe with the short, funny stuff that I knew. But like Adam said, there's a bit where you're going, hang on, where does this end, this bit?

You know the start, you know the name of the bit, and then you going hang on where does this end this bit you know the start you know the name of the bit and then you're like where does this end and i think i also i i last night i was pretty conscious and this is stupid because it was 40 people in the isle of man but for me i was like i don't want to do any jokes i've put on me special they're dead so i tried to avoid them. And I did. I think I did like two or three lines in 20 minutes, two or three lines that are on the special.

But there's a bit that I did last night where I have to really commit to it. And normally, with the energy of the room, the committing to the bit really helps. But I thought, you know what? If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it fucking properly. And I committed like committing to the bit really helps but I thought you know what if I'm going to do it I'm going to do it fucking properly and I committed like fuck to that bit and it just made me feel really odd at the end because as I got to the end of the bit

and I've put like this rambunctious rollicking energy into this set to a room full of two people and gone better better better and a punchline! Do you know who you don't want? Do you know who you don't want in the back of the room at that point?

Freddie Quinn and Danny fucking Mac at the back like as you're giving it everything and you've got two of your mates at the back like, uh, Berlin! Well luckily Freddie left to get his train before the end of my set so that was helpful. What was really funny with Freddie everything and you've got two of your mates at the back like uh bear land well luckily freddie left to get his train before the end of my set so that was helpful what was really funny with freddie though me and danny both looked at each other because everyone was nervous which is weird

i was more nervous for last night's gig than i was going on at the royal albert hall to do that gig and i'm not even messing and And you can tell Danny was more nervous than I've ever seen him, even though he's done 10 of these now. And Freddie's done a few of them and he was nervous. And when you're nervous, you make little basic errors.

And me and Danny were fucking pissing ourselves at the sort of Fred he did. I've got to tell you this. So he's got this bit about how lazy he's been in shutdown, right? And he goes, this is so fucking stupid. He goes, one day, I know my grandkids. Grandkids.

I know my grandkids are going to say, Uncle Freddy. What did you do during the shutdown right can i just say if we if we ever do have a word pure stand-up shows not the podcast record if we just get freddie sean mclaughlin alfie brown all these names that we've mentioned loads to do stand up i would love the ability to heckle with my soundboard i think i want to tech it more than i actually want to like host it like could you imagine if he just said that uh i was so lazy very lazy and i was like i said to my grandkids, and they'll say, Uncle Freddy. And at the back, I'll be like,

order, order, order. Has it, has it, has it not made you excited that genuinely there is now talk

of some venues putting gigs on from the start of July? I'm so, so, so, so, so excited for that. But another reason I did last night more than I did anywhere else is I thought being on stage at my favourite comedy club, my home club, with the tech set up that I knew Hot Water would have in place, which they have, I thought that would be the best way to do it.

And I was right. It absolutely is the best way to do it. And it would have been better if I had a front row, which they have been doing a hot water. So on a Saturday night, they do have people on the front row of this thing. Yeah, I was there at the one that didn't work. Do you remember?

It's all the bugs now, right? But last one that didn't work do you remember? it's all the bugs now but last night they didn't do it because they couldn't get the tech set up in the Isle of Man so the only I would be tempted at Hot Water to do another one if there was a front row just to try it and see what it's like but

Hot Water's tech set up is incredible what they've done is brilliant and if you're going to watch any of these gigs, I'd encourage you to watch theirs because they're really making a go of this. But I really don't want to do another one myself. It's just not the same. And I feel like I've been in a relationship.

It's like trying to come off heroin with fucking Senecot. That's some good shit, boy. Oh, you're a crack addict. Have you tried strepsils? Tired of smoking them, bitch. Oh, yeah. Well, bring on them.

It's going to be if some venues can't open and others can, there is going to be far fewer gigs. There's going to be way less gigs available. And it's going to be like, have you ever been to wherever they've got fish in a pond and then someone just throws a couple of breadcrumbs in and the shitloads of fish just rush to the fucking service and they see the big big fish coming it's going to be a feeding frenzy and in theory the higher you are up the league table which isn't by the way it's not published

anywhere it's just a weird thing that we've got in our heads and promoters sort of prioritize certain acts over others i think the headliners are going to get the first bits of work, aren't they? And if you're an up-and-coming act, or like, sorry, go on. I think so, and selfishly I hope so. And if you're a middle, or an up-and-coming act, or a less established act, and you're like, oh, it's fucking bullshit, that's's absolutely bullshit so how long until i get bookings i had this thought which is brutal i'd let that happen because essentially the headliners the big the big fish are going to be a test case of whether

covid19 one meter socially distanced comedy gigs work because if we all get the virus and we're dead in a month and a half there's going to be loads of fucking spots available and honestly even though i am a headliner there's a part of me thinks that would be so good if you're like what was the bill meant to be well it's meant to be rob rouse mick ferry joe caulfield steve grribben didn't make it so who's closing? Freddie Quinn

they're letting Freddie finally close it oh oh fuck me alright lad let's have a little word from our sponsors I've got tons of ting

shout out to trans alloy wheels alloy wheel refurbishments car bodywork and customization services in leeds and throughout west yorkshire these guys are a well-trusted family business they do exceptional work if you want your wheels and bodywork jazzing up and you're anywhere in the north go and see charlie and the boys at trans alloy wheels they're good guys they can make your motor look better they We'll see you next time. Wheel wizards. If you've got cracks in your body work, they can well repair them, and they do insurance gigs. And the best part is, have a word, listeners. Get 25% off fucking everything. The main thing is, Charlie and the guys at Trans Alloy Wheels have supported us during the Rona.

They've sponsored this podcast, and we want to support them. We can't go and get our cars sorted just yet. As soon as the Rona's done, I'm going. In the meantime, I'm going to follow them online. We'd love it if you could do it as well. On Facebook, they're Trans Alloy Wheels. That's all one word, Trans Alloy, all one word, wheels. Give them a like, give them a follow. They're on Twitter at Trans Alloy W, Trans Alloy W. And have a look for Trans Alloy Wheels on Instagram. They've shown this podcast

some love. Let's show them some love back. All right, back to the pod. Your ma and da listen to Have A Word. Okay, so you've prepped today's episode, right? However, however, just before we go into your thing, I was on Twitter before, and someone I know from way back had put a Would You Rather on

his Twitter feed, and we haven't done it yet, and I just want to fire it at you. I literally seen it about 10 minutes before the episode. Because I know you love Would You Rather so much, I've set up a load as well. Yes! But all from listeners. These are all from listeners. Would you rather have no arms or no

dick? Oh, God. I'll tell you right now, I'd go no arms. Just so that when I do a dive and I do football, I look like a javelin. Just so that when I do a diving head in football, I look like a javelin. Imagine the fucking speed you'd get at a diving head with no arms.

Especially you, a bald, no-armed man. Oh! Like, perfect for fucking... As long as I didn't have an erection there'd be no splash fucking Mazda oh my god but how desperate for sex would you be how would you masturbate

oh by the way it was specified as well on the tweet you've still got your balls so you need to masturbate and you've got no arms and as we know if you don't get your cum out your balls. So you need to masturbate and you've got no arms. And as we know, if you don't get your cum out, your balls just end up fucking enormous. They just get stored up.

Oh my god. You'd be... I don't even know what you'd do. What would you do? You'd throw your face up and away though, couldn't you? My wife would be like, where's him? I took the washing out of the washing machine about half an hour Yeah. A built-in space. My wife would be like, where's him? I've just taken...

I took the washing out of the washing machine about half an hour ago. Where is it? And there'd just be me round the back of the kitchen trying to hump the fucking wet washing. Dirty. Oh, that would be torture. But then again, being a G.I. Joe, smooth dozer on the crotch is just fucking weird isn't it well

obviously it's weird i reckon we're much closer to having robotic arms than we are to having robotic dicks you know what i mean love a robot dick like a fucking transformer you could definitely we're like a few years away, max, from being able to just get like a... Like we're toys. Just being able to go, right, your arm's off, kid, but here's a better one.

You just stick it into your shoulder and you've got an arm. It's going to be a while before they get the nerve and then try for that to be a dick, isn't it? Like it's harder to make a computerized penis than a computerized arm yeah imagine if a fault in that you're just on the bus and your robot dicks fucking banging the seat in front of you like what's that

and before anyone tweets in going it's already robotics they're called dildos and rampant rabbits no I'm not saying just a fucking phallic thing I'm talking like where you could tickle the end of it and it gets you all excited yeah but hang on you would have it wouldn't you I mean you're not just gonna

get your little we've got so many options Mr O and I'm so sorry about the operation it's a terrible bicycle accident i don't lost your full dick but not balls but here at dick botics we are here to help um we can attach a robot dick to your mom's pubis and to your balls. Fully functioning. I just want to talk you through the sizes we've got available. We've got the petite, just for, you know, the realist.

We've got the average, which according to most men in the UK is six and a half, question marks. Or we've got the destroyer it's up to you really not a big difference in price range but the destroyer does have sat nav well can i ask um mr nightingale um yeah is there an option to have them uh interchangeable depending on the size of the fanny i'm dealing with. Wow. Wasn't expecting that terminology here. Even though I work for a robot dick company, I found that a little bit crass.

Yes, there is, like on a DSLR camera, there's a mount for different lenses. We do that as well. So you can have petite, you can have the average, or the destroyer. Just click, you know, click them on. Or... You could have one for vaginas

and one for buttholes as well. What? You want it slightly smaller for the arsehole, don't you? Because it hurts sometimes when you bum them. Oh, yeah. Petite.

Get the petite on. Yeah. Get the Dan Nightingale. Four, four and a half inches. Okay. That banter just ended up making me feel sad. Oh. Mike Follows

says would you rather have £10 million but lockdown lasts another 10 years or £500,000 and it ends tomorrow? £500,000 and it ends tomorrow? Yeah. It's too long, isn't it? There's only so much stuff I can buy from Amazon.

10 years is where Mike went wrong. Can I just say, Mike follows loads of really good suggestions. We have a ton of things coming into us. If you have an idea for anything you'd like me and Adam to talk about, have a word pod at gmail.com. There's about 12 listeners who are essentially producers of this show. They're coming up with all sorts of content, and Mike's one of them. I think right now,

if it was longer than a month now, if it was longer than two months... I think a year is the... No. No. So if the option is 500 grand and it ends tomorrow, or 10 million and it lasts a year, I'm still taking the 500 grand. Right.

It's a lot, isn't right here i'm gonna a little mike apologies but i'm tweaking right 10 million pounds but lockdown lasts a year or 50 000 pounds and it ends tomorrow 50 000 and it ends tomorrow just adam 50 000 pounds not to be sniffed at it's not to be sniffed at but 10 million you just have to do another year 10 million i don't want to do another year i know you don't want to but 10 fucking million that's like that's a lot of million actually no yeah 10 million go on why what changed your mind then because i'd do a fucking dave chappelle i'd get a fucking boss house and i'd build a gig in my back garden you can do that with 10 million uh ps you want to see the fucking adverts we have on Facebook

for this podcast with 10 million quid in the back? That's the only way you get fucking views for your videos on Facebook. Our studio would look fucking phenomenal, and that would be lockdown accessible. You would be in my fucking studio. Yeah, I'm sorry. That was stupid. 10 million.

I just want lockdown over so much that i was blindsided for a second i was like no doesn't matter i want it over tomorrow but with 10 million you can do so much and make lockdown work for you oh my god for 10 million my big thing is if i want a load of money child care but you couldn't do anything about it in the shutdown. You could. I could buy my sister-in-law for a year. I'd be like, Becca, bring your child, bring you. We need help. We'll fucking heat stamp them as they walk in. Get the nostril test going.

You're COVID free. Come here. How much do you get for a year? Is 80 grand? Just help me look after this fucking three-year-old. And I might even get a robot dick in shutdown. Honestly, is it an option? Are we there yet with the technology?

10 million quid's got to be... I'm getting the destroyer. That's a good one, Mike. He's quite money-oriented. See, I'm now at that stage, you know, like when you have a dream that you win the lottery and you wake up and you're pissed off that it isn't real. That's now happening to me in real life

because now I'm fucking annoyed that I haven't got 10 million quid to build a fucking comedy club in the garden. I'm the same. I feel sad that I haven't got a robot dick. For just 10 million pounds you can help adam and dan survive thanks for signing up to the paypal.com slash adam wrote comedy we're so we're starting to crowdfund no and ask for me paypal because he said he enjoyed me special so much he wanted to send me 50 quid and I was like do us a favour lad subscribe to me

podcast become a Patreon if you want but I don't want 50 quid for me special it's far too much and just come and see me live when it's over that's nice that isn't it that is tremendous tremendous at what value now we're doing the money at what price would you

have had to go fucking hell let's stick on it all right tell you what give half of that to the trussell trust i'm not sure who they are either but they sound very worthy and stick up if he'd have gone i want to give you a thousand pounds I'm doing fine I'm doing well in life and that special has made me laugh more than any comedy special I've seen for years

I'm just going to give you a grand because I want to support an up and coming talent speaking of a fucking grand mate you'd take a grand for that I would yeah

yeah thanks because if someone's got a grand then they don't need it. Freddie Quinn messaged me earlier. He messaged the WhatsApp group that I'm in. And he's big into horse racing, Freddie. Now, I know that it's morally abhorrent,

horse racing and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, he put in the WhatsApp group, a few people that he follows, tipsters, are all raving about this horse that's racing at the 225 at the Royal Ascot called Golden Pal. It's 14 to 1 to win. Right. And it's got a really good chance.

So I messaged him. I went, lad, I don't want to set up an account because I'll just end up betting on loads of shit. But if I send you 100 quid, will you put 50 quid each way on that for me? And he said, yeah. And he did. And it led every second

of the race and then lost by a fucking pube right at the end. Right? But it still came second. Now, if it had won, I was on for 940 quid. And I was was like i'm just gonna spend that on a camera brand new fucking camera get it in the thing it's all free money essentially it comes second so i essentially won 175 quid but i owed freddie 100 of it because he'd put

the bet on for me and i hadn't sent him the money yet. So, Freddy just asked me for me, because I was like, 75 quid, lads. Send us it, whatever. And he was like, just send me an address. I'm going to send you a 75 quid surprise. That's going to be cool, innit? Mate, he's free money, innit? Yeah, it is free money, I suppose. I wonder what the surprise

is going to be. 75 Kinder Eggs or Smash from the Post He sent Freddie used to be friends with Sophie Hagen Now if you don't know who she is She's a comedian, activist And fucking bellend But he used to be friends with Sophie

And as a joke he once sent her A box of dog shit in the post And his agent thought It was like a fucking hate mail attack as a joke, he once sent in a box of dog shit in the post. And his agent thought it was like a fucking hate mail attack. What? Why did he send a dog shit in the post? Because he was drunk and thought it would be funny. Who drunk posts?

Who? I don't know. You know, like, with people like, oh, don't drunk text, and don't drunk eBay. I've never heard of anyone that hammer people like, oh, don't drunk text and don't drunk eBay. I've never heard of anyone that hammered like, oh, I'm going to get those stamps.

Dan, you fucking absolute bellend. Yeah. He didn't get his own dog shit and box it up and post it. There's a website where you can post people dog shit. Right. They do it for you.

I get it now. I'm an absolute bellend but i am pretty confident that most of the people that heard that as you said it were like how the what did he put it in where did he did he have to go out for a walk with a shovel at least half the people who heard that were like i think most people are well aware that there are websites that you can send animal feces from, okay? I'm sorry, I'm a ballant. Dogshit.co.uk. Don't use.com.

It'll be foreign dogshit. And we want nothing to do with that. Brexit means Brexit. We use British dogshit to send to our Danish comedian friend. Fucking ridiculous. Doosenders comedian friend. Fucking ridiculous. Poopsenders.com. Poop. Poopsenders.com.

Poop senders. Anonymously send a package of poop. Anonymous. Anonymous. Anonymous. Anonymous. I love Anonymous. How much?

what's the minimum? oh you can send elephant shit oh fuck off you can I swear to god I'm on the website right now cow poo you can send for either a quart or a gallon

a quart is $ gallon. A quart is $17.95. A gallon is $27. Elephant shit is $18.95 and a gallon is $28. So it's a tenner more to go from a quart to a gallon. There's gorilla shit, a combo pack,

which is all three. Oh yeah, that's nice. Like a taster selection, yeah? Yeah. How much is human? There isn't an option. The only three available are cow, elephant, and gorilla. Right, well, that makes loads of sense. Are you on drugs?

Are you on the dark web? What is it? I don't even know what the dark web is, but it sounded right. You don't believe me, do you? Poovesenders.com. I swear to God. If someone's made money from that

and has bought a house off it and is living in Poomansion, it's a fucking disgrace. Click the link. Disgrace. Disgusting. Poosenders.com. No.

It's not real. If this comes up as real, I'm so... That is fucking... No. It's not real. If this comes up as real, I'm so... That is fucking... I'm going to say it. Disgusting! It's a real website. No.

What's international... Right, okay. What are we going... The combo... You're going to send them stuff in um the post uh oh i'm not can't look at that anymore there's a girl called sammy who as you know is sending me and you some cakes she started their own bakery business and i just wants to give her a shout out she's an avid fan of the podcast she's been to see us on tour. She's lovely.

Her Instagram is BakedBySammyLou. So it's B-A-K-E-D B-Y-S-A-M-M-Y-L-O-U. And yes, she is sending me and Dan some free cakes. We'll let you know if they're tasty when we get them.

I'm just going to have a little bit of one because obviously still dieting but Jade is a brownie whore so she'll be a good reviewer for that she's a brownie whore is she she's a brownie whore yeah she's a brownie whore okay yeah that's it models got the window for the brownie she doesn't care if they're vegan or not

because it's fucking too good isn't it kids put the dead animals in the brownies I'll fucking scram a lot of them it sounds like a very specific search on porn hub that done it like a brit like brownie whore she's gone down to the brownie meeting and they're talking about needlework but she just wants a big needle and then there's a girl guides noshing off i think you're watching too much porn if your brain immediately goes to that. Brownie whore. No one else thought brownie whore.

Before the start of this pod, there was beautiful synchronicity and now I'm questioning poop senders. Oh, the merch. The merch. Ladies and gentlemen, good worders. We have had a little rejig on the merchandise website have a word pod dot com so go on there have a look we've worked out a way of doing free postage

and packaging so from now on from here on in all the items available on the merch store are free pmp go and have a look at have aordpod.com. We've got mugs, we've got hoodies, we've got t-shirts. Go and have a look. We'd really appreciate it. It would help support the pod. And we will be running a competition soon as well with the merch because

there's a colour that is going to be exclusive to me and Dan. Me and Dan are getting an orange hoodie each with the full Have A Word branding, but we've ordered one extra of those hoodies, and we'll have a competition coming up next week or the week after maybe where we'll give you information on how to enter

and win the one of three hoodies so you can be just like me and Dan. Yeah, for now, go and have a look at the merch that is available. And order some, please, because we've sold quite a lot so far, and we still 500 pounds in debt to it it's fine it's massively appreciated if you've already ordered it was a pre-sale uh and the order is in with the people who supply the merch so that's on its way as soon as it's here it will get sent out to you um, it's just, it means a lot

that people have already bought stuff. Have a look, see what you think. And one final thing from me on the merch thing before I forget is that when we changed the Patreon structures, we told all our Patreon 10 pounders that they were going to get a free signed poster. That is still happening.

We will contact you about that shortly, but we can't do that until me and Dan are back in the same room together because there's just too much postage and packaging involved in sending it to me, sending it to him it's a ball ache, that won't be too long from now and you are getting your poster we promise, it's on it's way

just a bit of patience please it's basically shut down rules have just screwed everything up a little bit but we're all looking forward to be back on normal working hours and getting posters out to people we have this launch of our youtube channel baby it's gonna be fucking beautiful um we've had this in from kieran gibson and it's a little bit of a wordy one but there's a lot to break down in this one i love kieran i love this email. And I think Adam's going to enjoy it as well. He says, hey, Angus and Di. That is one of the more ridiculous ones we've had.

I'm a maths teacher in a local secondary school and I've always been interested in the science of how comedians develop their work. I guess there's an element of enjoying the algorithmic nature of some of it, which appeals to the mathematical side of my brain. Is this true for you, Adam? adam as i recall you previously spoke about your mathematical abilities in episodes gone by and then he's put in brackets happy to hear from you too dan of course i'm like yeah that's clearly

just you being nice but that's there's more to this question but does that does that ring true for you as a bit of a maths bot? I know exactly what he means, and it's going to be hard to articulate it, but I'll give it a go. But I actively avoid it. So what he's talking about is in mathematics and science in general, there is a right and a wrong answer. There's a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things. When you compare that with the arts, English, art

other stuff, that's totally the opposite, that's why in a maths exam if you get the answer right, you get the marks in English there's no right answer, you just have to convince the reader that you're explaining things in a convincing way

and I know that's a bit clunky the way I've articulated that, but anyway. So what I think he's getting at is with some joke writing, it can really appear that you're going, I'll say A, then I'll say B, and then that'll make C funny, which is essentially a mathematical formula. But I, as often as possible, try and avoid doing stuff like that because I think you get too much in a rhythm and audiences' subconscious brain

gets onto stuff like that rather quickly, and I get bored of it. So I try and make myself as least formulaic as possible, but it's definitely evident, and I definitely see it in other comedians a lot where they've gone

like one of the things that I do every now and then but I hate when a comedian does four or five times in a set is when they'll go blah blah blah blah blah that's like blah blah blah blah blah and they do something

that it's just similes, but it's so formulaic. Oh, Michael, it's also a very old, hacky way of, like Lee Evans made a career of doing that stand-up, of like, I saw someone doing something like this. I mean, you wouldn't do that in this situation. You're like, in the early 90s that was ripper but things have changed yeah it's it's just fucking it's like people will go my mate puts

a condom on but he'll cut a hole in the end so that he can still feel it that's like going out with an umbrella and not putting it up that sort of shit it's like well he's made the item redundant that's like making an item redundant yeah it's a it's what he means though that's what he's getting at but i think what he's talking about if you we had a question from colin pew along the similar lines that just made me think of this question colin pew, what's your view on one-liner comedians like Tim Vine or Gary Delaney and Stuart Francis? I really enjoy, like, gags. He says I love shit jokes,

but I like joke jokes. And the question from Kieran made me think of Colin's question because I think guys like tim vine gary delaney stewart francis who write proper jokes with wordplay and structure are far more likely to adhere to a sort of algorithmic style of writing because there's a bit more science in it it's less it's a bit like an like a musician who is an incredibly technically gifted musician but can only play what's on the paper, you know, like what's written out, where there's a Jimi Hendrix who just fucking feels it.

I think this scientific approach to joke writing very much suits the one-liner guys. It does, and I really, really, really love a one-liner comedian for five minutes. Like, I'm not slagging them off because they've got a skill that I absolutely haven't got. Gary Delaney writes jokes to a level that blows my mind. He's phenomenal, and I'm jealous of his ability. I can't watch him for more than five minutes. And it's not because the sixth, seventh, and eighth minute

is any worse than the first five. I just get bored of formulaic stuff, personally. And I understand that some people adore it. Anthony Jeselnik is the one exception to this. Anthony Jeselnik, I can watch an hour of, and I don't know why, but there's just something about the way he delivers it, something about the way he does it.

But even Stuart Francis, I think he's brilliant, but I just, with one line of jokes, when it's feed line, punch line, for the first five minutes, I really love it. If Gary Delaney puts a clip on Facebook, I watch it. I watch five minutes of it but once that's done I would never buy a ticket

to go and watch a one-liner comedian for an hour personally I mean yeah maybe one of the absolute best guys but it's very telling that when you say who are the best one-liner comedians you mention like the five that are really good and then you're like and everyone else is not very good,

because there are a lot of bad open spot one-liner comics, and one-liner comedy, when it's done anything but brilliantly, it's fucking cringey, isn't it? When it's Gary Delaney or Stuart Francis or even Julian Dean, who is lesser known than these guys, but I love watching Julian Dean.

And he's a great one-liner comedian. He is someone else I can watch. I can watch him for 20 minutes. And I think it's because I very, very, very rarely see where Julian's going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. With a lot of one-liner comedy, I go, right, I see what's coming here. And it's brilliant, and I wouldn't have thought of it. But now that you've given me the feel, I know where it's going.

Julian's jokes are so out of left field. Yeah, Julian's fantastic. He makes me laugh a fucking lot. And he does a podcast called Two Vegan Idiots with another comedian called Carl Donnelly. And the podcast is not a vegan podcast. It's not about being vegan. They just both happen to be vegan vegan and me and Dan, we mentioned

this a few weeks ago, we were both a guest together, we did a Have A Word Two Vegan Idiots crossover on their stream, so go and check them out and listen to the episode we've done because it was funny as fuck. They're both amazing guys I prefer Julian Dean

I can't quite sum it up but julian dean's jokes are the kind of jokes comedians tell to each other yeah whereas tim vine is the kind of he writes the kind of jokes that your like father-in-law tries to tell you at christmas and i my granddad used to tell the same joke every single christmas and we'd all laugh because it was so funny that he did it for fucking 20 years in a fucking row. Maybe that's where you get it from. Why do crabs walk sideways?

Because they do like to be beside the seaside. Man. That's beautiful every fucking Christmas dinner he'd whip that out as if he'd never told it and we're like grandad do you not remember

like you had the spoon the exact distance from your face at the same time last year do you not realise is there no fucking Deja Vu flashback here for you where you're like, hang on, what? Is this not exactly the same? I've got a joke!

You've never heard this one, kid. Why do crabs walk sideways? I don't know, grandad! Well, they do like to be beside the sea. Good on him. That's not even a dad joke. That's a grandad joke. Like, dad jokes are just shit.

Granddad jokes are like shit, but you really love them and you know they're not going to be telling the joke for much longer. It's a different... Like, dad jokes are like, I could have 30 more fucking years of this. Granddad jokes are like, I do like to be... And you're like crying while he's telling it. Maybe I'm only going to hear this twice more. Oh, God.

I told you what happened when I went to see my grandad for one of the last times when he had dementia. Go on. So, my grandad had this form of dementia where essentially his brain was 15 years ago.

Yeah, that happens a lot. So, when I went in to see him with my dad, right, brain was 15 years ago. Yeah, that happens a lot. So when I went in to see him with my dad, right? My dad doesn't look that much different than he did 15 years ago. Do you know what I mean? So he recognised my dad straight

away, but I was 25 at the time. So in I'm a 10 year old. Right? Yeah. So I walked in with me dad and he goes, alright, Mick. This is my mum's dad, by the way. And my mum had already passed

at this time. So he goes, alright, Mick. And I walk in and he goes, listen, lads, I haven't had my dinner yet today, you know. I'm just getting on here. Like, I'm really hungry. And I went, what? And he went, aren't you the kid that works here? And my dad went, no, Vinnie. Sorry sorry mate this is this is Adam she's your grandson and he went is it and he looked me up and down and went he's put some fucking weight on when when old people get like a bit alzheimer a bit dementory they really stop giving a shit

about your feelings my nana mid-conversation just stuck a finger in my belly and went well that's getting big and uh it's a it's a trope in comedy about like, oh, Nana and Grandad, they say racist things. But my Nana was one of the most loving and accepting people ever. She was such a busybody, but she didn't have a malicious bone in her body. She had no time for racism or any of that.

I mean, towards the end there was some some moments like when when me and my sister were there with my nephew and he was only two or three and he was watching like cbb's and one of the shows on cbb's is called something special and it's got like kids with learning difficulties on and special needs and my Nana just turned to us and went oh there's there's a lot of mongos on television isn't there and you're like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but then towards the end she was in her home and she had uh she was just losing it and she looked after my granddad who had proper dementia she was just losing it a bit and she was getting pissed off. And there was a guy that worked there called Malik at the old people's home.

And he seemed lovely, but she was just getting pissed off with life. And he was a big character and she took against him. And because she was nearly 92 and he was black, she made it about his skin color and it was really like sad to see and i desperately thought i should have just let it ride because it's not like she's the mp for fucking preston she's like 92 and he got it he was like that's fine she just gets a bit annoyed but she was like he's he's because he's black and you, he's, he's, it's because he's black. And you're like, no, it's not, none. It's because you're old and pissed off.

She's like, well, it's disgusting. He's a, he's an idiot. I was like, right. He's like,

he lived in Blackpool, just about 10 minutes drive down from St. Anne's. St. Anne's and Blackpool, very, very different. They've got a crappy airport in between.

St. Anne's see themselves as much better than Blackpool. She was like, well, he's from Blackpool. It's full of them. I went, what do youpool. She was like, well, he's from Blackpool. It's full of them. I went, what do you mean? She was like,

it's full of blacks. I was like, no, no. It's just objectively speaking, it's definitely not. I don't know if she got confused. I don't, I don't, it's real, Blackpool is white.

Like, it's like, it's like, it's pasty white. You're fine, mate. they're not worried about ethnicity. They're trying to find heroin about 40% of them. I don't know if it was that she genuinely got to the point, I think it was because he was black and he'd said he was living in Blackpool, or if she was sort of in her state making the place name something that it wasn't,

like Blackpool or Black but so i fought it because i was like nana this i wanted to go like nana this isn't you you're not this person so i was like nana it's not it's not full of any it's really not it's blackpool i'm telling you i've driven through it i know it so she was like it is full of them i went right do you want to go for a drive she went right i'm going to prove to you that it's not. I bet we don't see anyone that's not white. And I, this is a totally true story. On a beautiful, sunny winter's day, I got my 92 year old Nana, stuck her in my car and we drove from St. Anne's to Blackpool looking for black people. I'm not even joking.

for black people i'm not even joking and and i was it was the weirdest thing because as we drove there she was fuming with me by the way because i'd like i'd confronted her we got a bit short with each other as much as we love each other to bits she's the best she was like pissed off with me for not just going along with her and i was like i'm sick of this bullshit she drove i've never seen her 92 year old it was like she was ready to jump out of the car we drove around blackpool in front of the pleasure beach and i swear to god she nearly had her head out the window like a dog in the wind she was dying to see someone we saw we just literally we saw it was winter in blackpool so you saw about 15 people and and they were all white. This sounds so weird.

I've never been so pleased to see all white people, to just be like, Nana, what the fuck are you on about? Then as we were driving out, she was really pissed off. We drove around, and then we drove back towards St Anne's, and I was waiting to say it, so I was like, this is going to be so good. I went, Nana, I didn't see any black people. She just went, it's out of season.

And then we didn't... No! It's out of season! We didn't speak to each other for the rest of the drive back. What she means is, as soon as the Pleasure Beach is open in April, oh my God, the immigration will happen then. They'll be coming off the boats to ride the Pepsi Max big one. What a load of shit. I thought she meant like It's out of season for

black people. They're hibernating. It's winter. It's got cold. They don't like cold. They're like bears. It's open season in Blackpool, but it's not what you think. It's not like, you know, Canadian hunting season.

I thought black people were like fucking hedgehogs. You just don't see them for the fucking winter months. Honestly. Look at him. There he is. Malik with his nuts. It's October. Oh, God.

Do you love podcasts? Have you always wanted to do your own, but you don't know how? Well, here at Lightwork Studios, if you've got an idea for a podcast, then we want to record it and record it well. Whether you're doing your first podcast or you've been doing it for years, we think all podcasts should look and sound as good as possible. And with prices starting from £30 an hour, we are by far the best priced professional podcast studio in London.

We've got three HD cameras, six top of the range mics and a sound technician on hand to make sure that all you have to focus on is talking. We can have the recording edited and sent to you the very same day. Find us at lightweightpodcast.com so we can help record your next podcast. Send in your questions and suggestions to haveawadpod at gmail.com. Let's crack on with this nonsense. Should we delve into our notebooks then? Instead of doing it out of the way today? Honestly, I think so.

I think it'd be great. So for those who aren't on our Patreon page, not a Patreon of the pod, what we've been doing every now and then on the Patreon episodes is me and Dan go through our old and new notebooks and if we've got an idea

that we've had for a joke we sort of just tell each other it and some of it's absolute dog shit, some of it might be funny at some point but essentially we just want to give you a window into where these 10, 15, 20 minute routines we end up with, they can come from a stupid fucking nugget or something that seems so offensive or really bad and a shit thing to say in the first place. And what we're sort of looking to do is we're going to just fire a few things at

each other. Some of them will be laughing going, this is an old bit and it never worked and blah, blah, blah. Some of it will be stuff we've come up with this week. I've got a couple of things I've run by Dan. And you might think that's never going to be funny. But then maybe in a year you'll come and see me or Dan on tour or come to a Have A Word live show. And you'll see what these routines end up becoming. You'll be like, I fucking remember him doing that on the podcast for the first time. This is our little right club.

And there's only two rules of right club. The first rule is you don't make a hot joke about right club. And the second rule is you do make a hot joke about right club. The second rule is just keep your fucking ideas to yourself. If we're back at a shutdown in two months

and I'm doing a bit like, if Adam's got a bit like remember one time with my nana she was talking about uh blackpool and black people that live in blackpool and i remember saying to my nana i was like the fuck do you get that i pulled out a notebook at random from didn't even know when it was from and it is from exactly 10 years ago i'm gonna go old school you go new school i'm eight days away from my 10 year comedy anniversary as well happy birthday to you what will you do to celebrate fuck all what have you got um 5th of october 2010 um i actually wrote out all my uh working material and honestly now

what how the fuck was i making a decent living from this i've actually i'm such a bellend i i quite i keep quite detailed notes and i called I've called this bit working material. Working material. This is material that works. It's C plus to B minus minimum. It's much funnier when you just find the new bits. The new ideas. where are they oh go on you do one of your new bits and i'll find my uh i'll find my stupid didn't work out so i know i'm gonna

sort of by the time we're gigging again i reckon i will have lost two stone since my last gig so i want to sort of mention that and what i've noticed is i get pissed off when strangers don't know that i've lost weight like when you lose two stone everyone you haven't seen for a while is like oh my god you've lost so much weight you look amazing and you get so used to people doing that that when you meet a stranger Or like after a gig if someone comes up to you and they don't say that to you I sort of get pissed off like are you not gonna reference? How good I look but to them I'm still fat

So then they're just like it looks like you could do it losing the stone or so But they don't realize how bad shit was He looks like he could do it losing a stone or so, but they don't realise how bad shit was six weeks ago. Do you know what I mean? I like it. It's fucking funny. How thin do you want to get?

That's the thing. When you lose weight, once you've achieved anything, you're like, no, but I can do more. I want to get down to 13 stone in the end. I'm currently 15 stone too. At the risk of repeating myself, what Deliso Shiponda said to me when he saw me after I'd lost three and a half stone was like, wow, if you were African,

we'd just assume you had AIDS. And he can say that because he's African. Breathe in, breathe out. Can we just say we've got an anonymous question for Mr. Ditingale. Don't know what he's on about. If you could grow your hair back at the expense of Adam never losing weight and remaining at a voluptuous and juicy size, would you do it? Thanks, Anonymous.

I don't know. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry, Adam. You don't care about my weight more than you care about your own hair. Genuine thing I've written, because I'm piling weight back on. I'm real.

I went... I've been wearing shorts so much, and I wear, like, you you know cycling shorts, like running shorts underneath my running shorts because I've just got in the habit of doing that from when I was running, so you never ever feel chub rub because you have lycra underneath your shorts

I wore jeans the other day or forgot to wear the cycling shorts and I felt my thighs just chubbing next to each other that's the level it's getting to like it's coming back

seriously it's coming back and I'm starting to think my wife wants it this way I think she wants me fat I think I'm funnier when I'm fat I think I'm better at stand up when I'm unhealthy I think my material's funny and I think she knows it and when I'm fat. I think I'm better at stand-up when I'm unhealthy. I think my material's funny. And I think she knows it.

And me being slightly chubbier is directly related to the income coming into this house. I feel like I'm living with a feeder. She's like, it's all right, darling. You're okay. No, I don't want to have sex with you. Have another cherry bake while you're a big fat fuck. I think she knows it. So as you're writing material about losing weight,

I'm going to start rewriting stuff about putting weight on. How's that? Okay. Maybe we could swap stuff. If you've got any skinny jokes, I'll give you my fat stuff. You can have all the stuff that's on me special. I'm not doing it anymore. Jade told me I've got to lose weight because she's worried that I'm too fat to sleep.

This is not even a routine this is true I was like this one's going to be a mathematical algorithmic joke maybe it will end up being a bit but genuinely she was worried I was developing sleep apnea because occasionally when I was asleep

my fat would be clogging my neck up because I'd like sleep. I'd have like my arm under my pillow. Like this, right? And I'd sleep like that and it would push like me fat from me tits up into my neck. And she said occasionally she'd just be watching me. And for like a minute

I'd just stop breathing or she wouldn't notice me take a breath and she said it's got better since i've started losing weight so i need to lose more so i can breathe when i'm asleep little skinny adam like morning darling instead of like adam drowning in his own fucking tits how did he die he suffocated in his own moobs oh it's disgusting fat men sleeping oh man if you need a mask to be like oh you big fat fuck your neck's drowning you oh do you know my dad snored so badly this is fucking brilliant because

he's a big fat man as well. My dad is so committed to being fat, it's unbelievable. He's done Slimming World successfully several times, but in the end he's like, I just like bread and butter. He can't, he's like, I just struggle to eat anything that doesn't have butter on. I'm like, you, honestly, fuck me, that can't happen. And we were like, why don't you, I just drink a lot of wine and beer i was like dad why don't you drink some water just to break that up a bit he was like i just can't quaff it i just can't quaff it if it's wine and beer it goes down no problem but water i can't quaff it i'm like me and my sister have been taking the piss out of that for four years i just can't quaff it why

don't you have bread without butter on i just can't quaff it. Why don't you have bread without butter on? I just can't quaff it. I just need butter on everything. He is... By the way, you've reminded me of something. I've been doing this health kick and I've been drinking a lot more water and eating a lot better. On the Patreon episode the other day, I told you I was constipated.

I don't think I am constipated. I think I'm just used to shitting six times a day. My body is now on a regular schedule, so it's just like once a day will do. I poo once a day instead of six. Mate, you're not constipated. You're just normal. Oh, Adam. That is unbelievable. Mate, I'm constipated. I've only shat

twice today. I'm worried. Have you got more control? Like, maybe. I haven't really clocked it yeah but all right we'll just keep us informed i don't think that's gonna get anyone signed up to the patron is it well quickly i'll give three five or ten pounds a month for adam's poo updates my uh dad actually went in for an operation because his snoring was so bad. And I've like, we've been away together and ended up sharing rooms.

We went to the Italian Grand Prix once and we got a motel near Milan to watch the Grand Prix. So into Formula One. And it was one of the most stressful weekends of my fucking life. Sharing a room. It was like the wall shaking as he snored. Like that when she's tired, you know, someone's through a fucking typewriter into a bin wagon jesus christ so my stepmom made him get his tonsils because apparently if you have really flappy tonsils that can that can affect your

snoring so people basically have the tonsils reduced to stop the snoring and one of the side effects of that is that you have a slightly higher pitch voice for two days. If you want some natural comedy, go round for tea at your big fat dad's house a day after he's had tonsil operation. Because when he answers the door, he goes, Hello, you all right?

I mean, he's down, Daniel. It's time for your dinner. He didn't go asian though they didn't say that much tonsil hello son i'm so proud oh christ really really really offensive awful joke no see you later thanks for listening

everyone listening went yeah boy give me that joke boy based on a true story as well oh gee

gee this is so bad and I don't know whether I'll ever I don't know whether I I'm quite dark on stage

but I think this is too far for me so I had sex with a pregnant woman once right and the baby in her wasn't

mine certainly not before we started am I right and people say it's weird that I'd fuck a pregnant woman when the baby's not mine. And I'm like, why? And this is based on a real conversation.

They're like, well, what if you come and some of it goes on the baby? Right? I was like, well, firstly, that's a horrible thought. And it's weird that your brain went there. And I don't condone coming on unborn babies. I think you should be at least born before someone comes on your face. Like, at least, bare minimum, you should

be born. But secondly, if I was going to come on an unborn baby, I'd much rather it not be my baby. I'd rather it be a baby I never have to see again. Oh, for fuck's sake.

What do you reckon? When you get in the kid, Chris and Adam, straight away, fucking straight away, straight to the church. Here, Vicar. are, Vicar. And we bless him in the name of Christ. Keep that going. Keep the water... A little bit more. Here's some Sanex. First person

to put fucking shower gel in the holy water. No more dick tears. Awful, innit? Adam Vincent Rowe. There is no following that. Bye, Felicia!

Oh, mate. That has been a great pod. I have really loved that. Yeah, have a look at the merch. Haveawordpod.com. Go and have a little look at that free P&P. And, Adam, it's been a pleasure. Have a lovely weekend.

You too, Lyd. Good luck cooking the dinner tonight chef daniel oh yeah and i won't my baby oh oh we got a song this is a bit of hip-hop bit of uk hip-hop we've had loads of since we've played our first bit of uk hip-hop we've had so many so many songs sent to us this is uh by an artist called complex c-o-m-p-l-e-x search him out it's from herefordshire hereford it's like these things are just not meant to be he's a hip-hop artist from fucking hereford in it and the song's called where we came from enjoy have a great weekend Bave le jour! Take em back to the streets we were raised on Take em back to the estate where we came from

Where we came from Take em back to the curb where we played on Take em back to the streets we were raised on Take em back to the estate where we came from Where we came from Way back to a place that we called home Growing up back then was different to now I'd blow up coke bottles outside quicksave That's how I got down Sound stupid but that's how me and my friends

used to fall about No need to video it for insta or facebook live it all out Just a bunch of teenagers hanging out being crazy and dumb But it's similar to now cause I'd be the first to lie to my mum Sorry ma Yeah that was me I wasn't a good kid you thought I'd be stupidly thrown eggs at people on Halloween then flee the scene Never thought about a rap dream Just wanted to make the footy team to see my pops fiend Scored a winning goal to see that proud smile come out It's all I ever wanted, now he's gone but I can still hear him shout

There's more tackles to evade as you go for your life I'm 13 pops, I don't get this advice you're giving tonight Staring at me's like you don't get it but one day you'll see Taunting Mrs B ain't what I want from your G I'm 13 pops, I don't get this advice you're giving tonight Staring at me is like you don't get it but one day you'll see Tauntin' Mrs. B, ain't what I want from your G Take em back to the streets we were raised on Take em back to the estate where we came from Where we came from, where we came from Take em back to the curb where we played on

Take em back to the streets we were raised on Take em back to the estate where we came from Where we came from estate where we came from Where we came from Where we came from Way back to a place that we called home Raised on that estate back in LD1 Where the fun was Kirby 1 and 1 until it was gone 1 Play all day long even when the street lights come on Skip your chicken nuggets and waffles, dinner the game, it ain't done Sitting on the bar lights by my house just kicking it

Another late game, this is the life and I'm living it Snap back, slanting, then my do-rag on tight Still Dre on the iPod and I'm bouncing tonight Time for another win, go ahead and let's set it up Hit your curb, skip school, tomorrow we ain't getting up Couple more games, hold your own and don't bow out Life is one big game and I'm just playing it out In this Nintendo world, can't you see that I'm slaying it?

Think I wanna sit for this exam when I'm failing it? That's a message to my teacher and I'm tired of keep saying it These lessons you think I need to learn? Won't save me, miss Take them back to the streets we were raised on Take them back to the estate where we came from Where we came from Where we came from

Take them back to the curb where we played on Take them back to the streets we were raised on Take them back to the estate where we came from Take em back to the club where we played on Take em back to the streets we were raised on Take em back to the estate where we came from Where we came from Where we came from Way back to a place that we called home Thank you.