Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #7 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: February 20, 2020

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Where's the queen? Where the fuck is that guy? Disgusting! This is Hover Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. Backstreet's back, alright Is it Blackstreet? No, Backstreet Blackstreet Blackstreet was a band that did No Diggity

No Diggity I'm gonna make it up Yeah, but no one's ever got those two bands confused before yes they have no give me a break you said that to me like yeah where did that come it's one l it's one rogue yeah but in terms of content and personnel yeah yeah that's true i don't see color do you not no i just don't see color you don't see nightmare at traffic you not? No, I just don't see colour. You don't see colour. Nightmare at traffic lights. No diggity. I've got to bag it up.

What is that? I've just got that reference. Is that a condom reference, Adam? No diggity. I've got to bag it. I like the way you work here. No diggity. You've been singing that song for 20 years and just not knowing what it means.

There's so many tunes that I've got like on cds or whatever i'm like out of my itunes that i listen to in the car and you know when you're like i'm bored of all the shit i've been listening to i just have a rummage in the glove compartment i'm like oh hip-hop tunes like some random mix cd that i made like nine years ago in your still got a tape deck in your car still got a CD player I've got it's for bluetooth iPod and I've got still got a CD player it's about

my Volvo's about eight years old stop making me out like I'm a grandad that's brutal you've done it yourself I know you just went I want to put some

different songs on I'm going to rummage in the glove compartment is it still prepared by diesel do you have an engine a combustion engine, you fucking old bastard?

You know, I've got a Spotify subscription. On the horse and cart? Yeah. You've got a man on the back with a trombone. What's the accordion?

He's got some cockney on the spoons. There's a belter of a Romanian fellow in Liverpool who's got an accordion. He's dead sound, right and it like i always like if i see like a musician guy like uh busker who also looks homeless i always give them the money like i feel like i try and give homeless people money whenever i can but if there's like a skilled homeless person

like does it do you know plinkety plink it's one up in it you're like that dude's just fucking cold you're cold and like working it have you seen the guy who's got like a guitar hero guitar Do you know Plinkety Plinkman? It's one up, innit? You're like, that dude's just fucking cold. You're cold and like working it. Have you seen the guy who's got like a guitar hero guitar in Liverpool? Right. And he's got, you know like in Toy Story when Woody's got like the microphone toy. Yes. He's got one of them and a guitar hero guitar. The little tape recorder with a mic on the little lead.

Yeah, he's got one of them. He wears like a colourful suit with a mic on the little lead. Yeah, he's got one of them. He wears, like, a colourful suit now, because someone bought it for him. But he's just, like, clearly, like, a bit of a bagger. Like, he's got no teeth. He stinks. He's got messy hair. He's just this old homeless fella

who absolutely can't even speak, never mind sing. Like, this is not... People listening will know who he is. And he's adored. I love this guy's a bit. This is how he sings. He's like... Can you guess the song?

Is it one of them where... Just about. You can just about make out exactly what he's trying to sing. But everyone loves him. And he gets money off me so often. If I walk past him he's getting a quid I've given him

fivers before just like he's got an air guitar no he's got does it work no do you know the computer game guitar hero

oh yeah yeah yeah and the guitar is like the pad for that game yeah he just bangs that he's just yeah he's just got

that's one up from an air guitar isn't it yeah it's halfway between an air guitar and a guitar. He's got a plastic kid's guitar with buttons on. And he just makes noises. Yeah.

He's just, yeah, he's just like... Oh, I love it. He is quality. And I understand that mental health issues are serious, but if you're going to do mental health issues, do it with a bit of a show. I think, like, loads of people, though, like, I think he's happy.

Do you know what I mean? He's got such a simplistic life. People love him. Everyone recognises him. He's always in the exact same place outside H&M on Church Street in Liverpool. Go and see him. If he put a date on sale at the O2 Academy or something, it would sell out tomorrow.

He would dwarf Paul Smith's arena sales. Can't sell a ticket past St. Ellen's. In Liverpool, he's playing the fucking arena. What were we talking about then? Can't remember what we started banging on about. I felt like I was having to defend my old-timey lifestyle just because I've got CDs in the car. Oh, yeah, and then you whip on a CD

and it's like got no diggity. And then my daughter's in the back and she's like i've got a video of her nodding along to p diddy bad boy for life go nowhere and then it dropped honestly the amount of m-bombs and fucking mother because i haven't got any of the clean versions, have I? No one parents and goes, well, we love hip-hop as a family, but we do download the clean versions. My daughter with a Bangladeshi accent walking into nursery

calling everyone the N-word. What up, N-word? What are you doing? If someone didn't listen to the previous episode, if someone's just picked up Have A Word episode 6 or 7, they're like, has Dan got a Bangladeshi child? We're getting more and more in-jokes on this, and it's going to be so hard when we're on episode 87

for someone to just dip in. Good. Where were you? Yeah, we need you from the start. You fucking sadist. Right, well, big shout-out to the guy in Liverpool that plays a Guitar Hero guitar. Plinkity Plinkman. Big shout out to NoDiggity. I think it's a sex reference.

I don't know. You don't know? I don't know. We've established you don't. I've got to bag it up. When was the last time you bought a CD? What are you going to say? When was the last time you bagged it up? No, mate. We're definitely not doing that Laura B. Fugin, we're actually trying for a baby

What's happened more recently? You've wore a condom or bought a CD Oh, great question Let me have a think I'll be honest, not a fan of either Not a fan of either I like my sex and my music downloaded Or streamed um or live love you babe it's really weird uh having your wife listen to the podcast as well you know you

know i know it was like fucking a couple of thousand people listening to the podcast at the moment and god knows this will be up on the internet for hopefully forever so it could be who knows how many but in my head i'm like by the end of that i was like just make sure that the joke has been checked off i love you um what have i done no i think it might be a cd you know fuck i don't know when it was last time i bought a cd more recently than you wore a condom. When was the last time you'd done either of these things?

Do you know how frightening it is? Long time since I've bagged it up. No diggity. I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan. No.

Oh no mate. So even when you were single? Barebacking? I mean you're assuming that I was getting laid loads. A lot of it was

bareback wanking. Oof. Ow. Oh get a moisturiser. Do you ever do that when you were a teenager? We got told that was pos laid loads. A lot of it was bareback wanking. Oof. Ow. Oh, get a moisturiser. Do you ever do that when you're a teenager? We got told that was posh, though. A posh wank, you'd wear a condom and have a wank. That was like a thing in our school.

It was like, have you ever had a poshie lad? Yeah. Have you done that? Everyone's tried it and then you're like, oh, what's this? It's messier. This doesn't feel good. And that is essentially the experience of using condoms. Oh, this is crap. I'll just take this off. It's messier. This doesn't feel good, and that is essentially the experience of using condoms. Oh, this is crap. I'll just take this off. It's much better.

This is going to be the episode that gets us in trouble long term. You know, I reckon in like 20 years, someone's going to be like, sex scandal with Have A Word podcast promoting dirty, non-safe sex. It's going to be some kid who gets gonorrhoea and blames us. Well, Adam and Dan said they hate condoms. I still buy... I don't buy CDs either because... I honestly can't

tell you a long time ago. Who's buying CDs? I'll tell you what I do do. I buy... I do do. I buy like blank CDs and I make my own little fucking mixtapes. I used to. Like a bellend. Have you not got Spotify? Yeah. So why are you buying CDs? You know you can make a bellend. Have you not got Spotify? Yeah.

So why are you buying CDs? You know you can make a playlist on Spotify and they've got pretty much every song of all time. Yeah, what if you've not got internet access? You have got internet access, though. What, everywhere? Yeah, or you can download a playlist to your phone on Spotify. I didn't know that.

Does it have adverts on have you got if you pay for a premium subscription no no i don't know i genuinely i don't i'm not a big spotify guy i'm talking to me great granddad about new technology you know why i just i'm very slow to just i just like i have my little systems and they're good systems. And I make it work for myself. You're not sounding any younger with these sentences. I know, I don't give a fuck. I like what I like, I know who I know. Fuck off, I'm going to watch Casualty. Listen, I like old-timey music.

Black Street, no diggity. I got to bag it up. I like the way you work it. And I use the words I've always used. That's just what we called them. And now I'm not monetised on YouTube. Which I don't trust.

I like BBC Radio too. I'll tell you what I did do. I was fast to the update because I scalded myself for this. I'm like, you fucking idiot. I've got an iPod Nano that I download podcasts onto, and I plug it into my laptop, and then I take it, and I plug it into my car, and then I was literally like,

why don't I just download these to my phone? Because I got myself in a system. Anyway, you know, Sainsbury's, doing all right, at Sainsbury's, and I saw the little guns that everyone's got, and you do your shopping as you go around yeah I was like I'm gonna be one of the first ones on this and as I was doing it I was like god damn you're living here mate what are you doing I felt alive Adam I was like who are you and uh got a nectar card you have to zip the next card you just go around and like ping ping like do the little beep as you go around.

Everything's in the bag. And you get to the front. No one else is doing it. There's six tills for this. You just then point the gun at the fucking computer and it goes, nice one, dickhead. You owe us £19.98. There's no weighing system.

You can steal freely. I've got a minute. One second. So you're telling me you used a gun to add up your shopping for a shop that came to under 20 quid? No, but I mean, yeah. You bought a leg of lamb and a bag of

roast potatoes and you added it up on the way round. Man, there's a computer for this. But even if you did a bigger shop, it's still great just being like, ping, ping,

ping, and it's all in the bag already. No one checks it, because it's a fucking Sainsbury's in like suburban Chester. You just walk out nicking like three things and not having to queue. So I get it. I need to change my ways and just get up to date and everything. So you,

you're, I don't even have Instagram. You're shoplifting. I fucking, yeah, of course. How are you, you're doing it. Of course, you're, everyone's that does the self-service. That's alifting. I fucking, yeah, of course. How are you doing it? Of course,

everyone that does a self-service has a little bit of it. We used to do it, when I used to go to away games with some, for some of the

Liverpool games a few years ago, we used to do it for spores at the service stations. So the more value you could get out the service station,

you win. Was the last CD you got fucking stolen, Adam, by any chance? I think the last CD I bought was... Mickey Flanagan live! ...was Toy Soldiers by Eminem. So that's a time ago. Oh, Jesus.

But yeah, we used to, like, if you could come out with, like, a load of ale or something, people would be like, oh, I've had up 12 quid. One week, a lad just walked out. It was one of those massive service stations and they were selling flat screen tellies.

He just walked out with the telly. But he was like, I don't need a fucking telly. He just left it in the car park. He was like, I robbed it. I got it out. Someone else can have it. I'm done. He won the game.

Oh, the game. We never played again we never got top of telly it was like 400 quid you can't get prosecuted for handling stolen items because you left it in the fucking

disabled parking spot yes the perfect crime really he won the game and he can't be prosecuted he's like I gave you it back I would have loved

to just be sat in like just away in a car just watching that have loved to just be sat in, like, just away in a car, just watching that TV sit there. Just to watch loads of, like, what's that doing there? And, like, you know, like, all the fucking motorway services dads, like, who are all 50, like, Jaguar drivers, like, I want it, but I don't know the rules.

I obey the rules. Can you imagine being the manager of that place? Like, he's robbing a telly. Phone? Like, he's robbing a telly, phone the police, he's robbing a telly. He's left it in the car park. What's he doing? Now, I don't want to... This is culturally insensitive.

You're a Liverpool fan. Yes. It's an away day. Is there not, like, a moral obligation to the good people and name of your city to not be stealing things for sport? Because I feel like your city has had to deal with a lot of shit and a really you know white on white racist reputation do you

think it does it any favors to be like all right lads are fucking lazy how much can you steal we put the a we don't take it off the property it stays stays on the plotter land. That's the fucking rules. Well, look, maybe I'm doing my city a disservice by admitting this, but I don't think it's just Liverpool fans who do this shit. Mickey Flanagan used to have a routine about how he was obsessed with stealing sandwiches from service stations. And his manager had to call him in for a meeting with the top motor because he stole something on the way to wembley arena so he was or the o2 or something so he was doing like you're definitely above this he was doing like a five thousand ten thousand seats a room and they were

like you can afford a sandwich he's like yeah but i don't steal it because i need to steal it because i want to because i feel alive. It's a sport thing. It's funny. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is. I watched a guy steal from Tesco once and I grasped on him. What? I fucking grasped on him.

I'm not doing a podcast with a grass lad. Listen to this and tell me I wasn't right. This is when we lived in Nottingham when we first had Etta. There was a Tesco around the corner. We lived in this boring suburban bit of Nottingham, about five miles out. There was no town centre. There was no centre to it. The Tesco was the whole of the fucking suburb.

That's how much this Tesco... It pissed me off because you could never steal from it. Because if you got caught, and they were like, you'll never come back to this Tesco. I'm like, oh fuck, that's a 15 minute drive to fucking Morrison's. And this guy was at the self-service check

and he was quite busy. And by the way, I'll just qualify this. If I ever see feral fuckers stealing meat because they need it for heroin, I don't care. I don't care. I've got a fucking T-bone. I leave them because I don't know what heroin's like,

but it looks like it's pretty Moorish. I'm no judgment. Do you not? I'm fine. I have heard that it's Mo yeah yeah i mean it's like one level below pringles like you you start on cocaine you go to heroin then pringles right that's and then it's audios at the top right yeah if you start on cocaine you're not really gonna want pringles or oreos you talk're talking to a fat man here, lad.

Honestly, on a swig of... You're the only person that gets munchies after cocaine. If you put on this table when I come in today, a bag of beef and a multi-pack of Oreos, and was like, you can take either of these to London with you, you would be left with the cocaine. I am taking the Oreos, lad. That's so disgusting.

I loved it. In my head. This is how much, in my head, the reason I paused then, was because in my head I was like, oh, it'll be a good afternoon

when Adam fucked up. Dan, you've been in the studio for ages. I just be like, I'm editing. Leave me alone, I'm editing.

You've been in there 48 hours. I know love is really good. Come to bed. I don't think so. I'm just going to start finishing the painting. Painting next door. Yes. Doing all these lines down the fucking road.

And a guy, the guy at the self-service was, he was wearing a gilet. One.service was, he was wearing a gilet. One. Strike one. He's got a gilet. He's got a child called Henry. I didn't, I didn't, or was it Harry? It was something obnoxious. It began with H and ended in Y.

Yeah, it's fucking annoying. That's what you know. He was on the till. He had a full basket. And I noticed him because he looked like a cunt but he put all the shopping back into the basket

there wasn't any bags so I was like what's he doing why would you do that if you've got to take it out to the car just don't get it and then he went

and he was like come on Henry like in that voice, and the poor kid's just following him, and I think the kid's wearing a gilet, I'm not 100%, it might have been matching gilets, I didn't like them.

Do you love the way a gilet, because you're saying gilet a lot. Call it a gilet. It's a gilet. A body warmer. It's a gilet. Got to the, got to the till,

and it said, it said like 27 pounds left to pay, and I was like, because I'd gone to his,, and it said, like, £27 left to pay. And I was like, because I'd gone to his, it was that busy. So I was like, well, hang on. Like, is that posh fucker wearing a body warmer? Is he just not paid? And then, like, gone. And in my head, I was like, I know exactly what's happened here.

This is what he does. He hides in plain sight. He's like, look at me. I don't need to steal. I have a fucking gilet. I've got a Henry. No one with a small, well-groomed child called Henry steals. So he just wandered off. And I was like, am I going to, I'm not fucking having it. I feel really annoyed. I watched him just wander off. Come on, Henry excuse me to the like the gormless kid there was you know they've always got one gormless kid who's like trying not to pass out

from boredom who has to be the guy like oh it doesn't it's not weighed that and he has to come and like beep his little code in every time you can tell with every press he's like fuck my actual life it just looked like he wasn't there with it and I was like mate I think that guy's just wandered off and not paid for his shopping and he went oh no he actually this is how he went oh no it'll be fine and he looked at the screen and then he sort of he saw the £27 odd to pay

and he sort of looked at me and I was like it's that guy just wandering down and then he went oh I heard him go and then he turned and he went oh oh i heard him go oh and then he turned and he went leanne okay pussy he's a great old man and he went oh my goodness nottingham's version of the usual suspects last scene leanne came over she's like she's only small but really serious looking she was definitely in charge

and she went what's happened he went I think he's there's a gentleman just and he said that it's not to pay

and he went and I was like I'm well involved now I'm like that guy I can see him through the window getting into his Mitsubishi four wheel drive

sort of don't know why I found that annoying as well it's got a fucking SUV and she went, and she, this sounds like I'm making it up, she turned and went, Tony! Tony the bouncer, it was like

I could see it in his eyes. Bouncer? Not the bouncer. Security guard? You know, but the bouncer. You can't have a bouncer on a Sainsbury's. You're not, what's on your list? You're not coming in. He's IDing some 15-year-old girls at the door. I'm sorry, girls.

This is Tesco. How old are you? Lovely little dress. Bouncer. The security guard. That'd be the lowest level of bouncer, that. Because you've got nightclub, pub, Burger King. I always feel sorry for that poor bastard on Burger King.

Oh, they're the fucking worst. He's definitely, like, being relegated, hasn't he? You don't start or end at Burger King. That's, like, a punishment, that. You've fucked up on a nightclub, yeah. You've fingered someone underage. You've lost your badge. You're on the Burger King for six weeks.

And now you're having shit chips flicked at you. Till 5am in the middle of town. Well, this guy was a Tesco. Because it was just a sleepy suburb, way out of town, I don't think this ever happened. That's why I think the reaction happened. Because they were like, oh, I think it's a shoplift. A shoplifting is happening.

And he shouted, Tony, and he came over like finally something's going on and they just wandered out and they got him at the car and i had to watch it through the glass because i'm such a pussy i was like i wanted to go and stand next to it and be able to hear i watched it through the window i'd paid for mine as this all was going on and he was just going oh just doing all the body body movements of like, I don't know what could have happened. I simply don't know. And they'd be like, oh, you're going to have to come back in. And it was all just, I was just seeing this through like body movement.

And they came back in. So I was like, fuck, I'm going to be able to hear this last bit. I was like, oh my God, he's going to get fucking done. It's going to be amazing. I've grasped, I've taken him down. 20 set of quiz shots, fucking Gilles. Fuck you, Henry. Fuck you, Mr. Bishy.

And they came in and he was just like yeah you can pay at customer services and that's it they just made him pay for his shopping Adam

what did you expect to happen do you think this was grand larceny I was fucking gutted what were you hoping for at the very minimum I wanted his club card

taken off him he thought he was going to get six months in Nottingham Prison. Honestly, I thought... What are you in for? I murdered someone. What are you in for?

I killed me kids and me wife. What are you in for? Bread. I left 27 quid unpaid at the Sainsbury's self-checkout. The fuck are you on about? Are you having this fantasy where he goes

to jail for the rest of his life? I wanted the popo brought down. For what? What are you going to tell the police? I don't know.

Hey, he went in the car park. For being a prick. You answered arrest him for calling his kid Henry and putting him in a gullet.

Everything he did was obnoxious. Child, car. But that's not a crime. He didn't even put the fucking bag it up. He didn't even bag it up. No, did he? You've got to bag it up.

Black Street of Tortoise. He didn't even put the shopping in a bag. I fucking grasped and I've said it. Do you know what? I reckon, because we have a lot of scousers who listen to this, I reckon at the start of that story, when you out yourself as a grass, they're all turn on you and if they listen to the end you're now gonna be best mates with them all it's posh tory cunt we get a fucking death for

fucking stealing and okay i once robbed a telly from a service station on the way to fucking whisper on my way but that's not the fucking point is it what was the best thing you ever nicked on the for sport i was quite shit i'm a shit house me i like what i the best thing you ever nicked for sport? I was quite shit. I'm a shithouse, me. The only thing I steal... The only thing. I like stealing notebooks from service stations. I still do this now.

I swear to God. A lot of comedians get accused of stealing material. I actually go a step before that. I steal the notebooks that the material is one day written on. I do do this though, I swear to God.

You do do? I do do. Do you do do? I did do and I do do. And I will do. But I have a rule. So I will go to the tilling a service station

with like, let's say like a coffee or a bottle of drink or whatever. And I'll have the notebook in my hand. But the rule I have is I have to let them see it. So I'll have the notebook in my hand. And if they go, is that from here? Then I go, oh yeah, no problem.

And I'll put it down as if like, I'll just act stupid. Like, oh, I forgot to put that on the till. You're stealing in plain sight. I'm stealing in plain sight. So I've got it in my hand. And if they question and go, can I scan that? Absolutely, love. Sorry. Yeah, my mistake. But if they don't mention it, I'm stealing in plain sight. So I've got it in my hand and if they question and go, can I scan that? Absolutely, love. Sorry.

Yeah, my mistake. But if they don't mention it, I'm off with a fucking £1.50 poker pad. If you've got your Mickey Flanagan CD, if you've got that

jammed in a pocket, if you've got your T-bone state that you've nicked for heroin money, if that's jammed down your pants, you can be like, oh, I'm so sorry. I appear to have 43 pounds of meat

in my pantaloons. There's no getting around it. If you pay for that, you're like, oh, I'm fucking thinking about, you've done some acting, you can do, you'll be like,

I was literally holding it and I forgot to pay it. There's the money I forgot. Like, what are you going to do? Yeah, that's what I'll do. It's the pay for crime. And remember, if anyone is in law enforcement listening to this, this is an entertainment podcast and not everything is true.

Of course. We're creatives. We're creatives. This is all a falsity. No diggity. I got to make it up. So what do you steal? What do I steal? What do you steal? Did you see my eyes then? I was like, I've got a way you do. So what do you steal? What do I steal?

What do you steal? Did you see my eyes then? I was like, I've got a story for you. I did the same thing in TK Maxx with a wallet. It's actually exactly the same. I nearly didn't tell the story because I was like... Put your own money in the wallet and took it to pay for something else. I, I, TK Maxx in Preston, which is, you know, don't steal from Preston.

That's a rough day, though. TK Maxx in life. That's like picking on a special kid. That's not on, is it? We'd never do that. Disgusting! I, I knew I wanted a wallet and I knew in TK Maxx in Preston they didn't tag them, all of them

and listen I don't give a shit I'll rock a Pierre Cardin brown leather wallet which is the best it gets at TK Maxx isn't it and I purposely didn't take any my wallet I took all my shit out of my old wallet

so I just took card cash to town i went in i was buying something for my nephew like a mickey mouse activity book or something tkmx is actually quite good for like toys randomly and i was like right i'm gonna go and get a wallet that has nothing in it i'm gonna go to the counter with the money in my hand i'm going to have the wallet in this hand in plain sight no security tag on it and i'm going to pay for the mickey mouse thing while holding the wallet literally in front of her face so if she goes this is exactly what i did yeah yeah so that's why i didn't tell the story because i just thought it's repetition but i loved it how genius it was because if and i'd literally gone through the lines in my head if she goes excuse me sir is that one of our

wallets I'd be like oh my god how silly of me oh my god I'm so sorry can you see what I've done I've just like

completely forgotten that I was actually buying the wallet and she'd be like oh you're fine I wore a G-Le to TK Maxx that day as well

did you really I just shouted Henry Henry so if you're listening to this podcast and you're wondering how to get away with stealing,

you have to make sure that they see it and just put a posh voice on and wear a gillet. A gillet. A gillet. It is a gillet, isn't it? Have you not got a body warmer? No, you can't have a body warmer if you're fat. Like, if you're my size.

Because it just, it looks ridiculous. Because, like, if you look at my arms my arms aren't like that fat my all of my body weight is central mass so if if you put me in a body warmer it's like a child has drawn a fat stick man so there's just a big circle in the middle with two thin arms and my legs are quite thin as well for someone my size because they do a lot of work keeping me up. You are all centre. I'm all centre.

It's all ale. You're like... It's beer. You know what? When you said that about the gilet on a fat man, I just... In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, is it Veruca salt that just

inflates it's just like a big purple balloon that's fucking amazing yeah you can't like you have to to wear a a body warmer gilet gilet gillet you have to uh you have to be of a certain level of either fitness or malnutrition i don't't need a body warmer. I've got this built in one. I could just draw lines on me naked body. You know like when you wrap meat before you put it in the oven in like a bit of fucking string.

If I just do that on me coat then I've got a body warmer. Oh Jesus. Nice one. I've got some Would You Rathers for you. Cool. Yeah.

You know what? I like to play. No dickity, no doubt. Play on, play out. Play on, play it Play on, play it Yo, Trey, drop the verse Hi, it's Dan. I'm at the Leicester Comedy Festival, which is a cracking comedy festival, on Sunday, the 23rd of February.

It's 5.30pm. Little venue, an hour of my bullshit. It's about seven quid a ticket. If you want to find it, have a look at my Twitter handle at DanHazzaPodcast. It's pinned to the top of my Twitter. See you there. ......... I'll never slouch. As long as my credit can vouch, that dog couldn't catch me. Tell me who can stop with Dre making moves, attracting... Got a lovely voice.

We've discussed it before, Adam, but you're a very talented young man. I've got a good trombone. Disgusting! I've got a good throatombone. Disgusting! I've got a good throat trombone, you know what I mean? Disgusting! So, it's the would you rather bit. I love, honestly, I look forward to this as much as anything on the podcast.

The would you rather bit? I don't know what it is. I like being the would you rather master. I'd be almost annoyed if you took the power away from me. Well, we have had a couple submitted, you know. One of them's disgusting, but I want to do it. Do you want to start with that, or do you want to start with one of yours? I've read it.

No, not that one. Is it not Dean Coughlin's? Not Dean Coughlin's. Hey, Dean Coughlin, thanks for listening. You've been really nice on Twitter. We're not reading out your would-you-rather. It's disgusting! Disgusting!

I've got another one though. Go on. You want to go for it? Have you got it? Yeah, I know it. Yeah. Go on. Would you rather

piss every time you stood up or shit every time you sit down? It's and that includes lying down as well. You can't just like belly flop into the bed. You will shit the't just belly flop into the bed. You will shit the bed the second you hit the bed. You know why it's an easy one?

Because you've just got to take the lesser of two evils. And piss less than shit. You've just got to wear plastic shorts. And just jog it off. Just walk off the piss. Literally, you'll always have to wear Crocs. You'd never be able to wear socks or shoes. You'd just have to be a Croc man. You'd be like, that guy sort of smells the piss. Shock it off. Literally, you always have to wear Crocs. You'd never be able to wear socks or shoes. You just have to be a Croc man. Be like, that guy sort of smells of piss.

I think I'd rather smell of shit than wear Crocs. Okay, got a new one for you. Would you rather smell of shit or wear Crocs? I think everyone that wears Crocs sort of does smell shit. Says to me who's got Crocs. So you're saying... Ten years after they came out. I'm not even joking.

Have you just started? Do you know when I just got my first pair of Crocs? Five months ago. You own a pair of Crocs? Not even... Not even brand ones. Discount. Oh, lad, you can't, you know...

You can't be a grass that wears Crocs. Crocs. It's so... That's such an insult. You know, if can't be a grass that wears Crocs. It's so... That's such an insult. You know, if I was on a school playground and someone said to me, your da's a grass and wears Crocs, I reckon that's social life over. If you get that in the first week of year seven, you're not making it to year 11. Listen.

Your da's a grass and wears socks. I'm going to say that to Ether when I see her. Hi, Ether, you're like me. Your da's a grass and wears socks. I'm going to say that to Ether when I see her. Hi, Ether. You're like me. Your dad's a grass and wears crocs. It's so good that I'm married because

I'm not getting any like this. I'm a wearing crocs. Yeah. Give a fuck. They're really comfortable. I wish I bought them

ten years ago when they came out. I'm thinking about drawing Uggs next. Your dad's a grass and wears Ugg boots. That's even worse, innit? Cowabunga. So you're saying you'd rather piss every time you stand up?

Mate, come on. Of course. Would you rather piss yourself or shit yourself? Yeah, but every time you stand up. Every time you sit down? You'd never be right. You could go the day without sitting down. Oi, Rukasol, you love sitting down. And you stand up. Every time you sit down? You'd never be dry. You could go the day without sitting down. Oi, Veruca Salt, you love sitting down.

And you know it. You could go the day standing up though. You could just stand up for the day. And then... Just poo when you go to sleep. Yeah. Who's going to clean that up? Do you have to sleep in poo?

Are you cleaning it up the next day? No, it's all... When you stand up dry. poop you clean it up the next day no it's all when you stand up dry everyone got on me for the would you rather fly at 10 miles an hour or run at 100 miles an hour

and I mean it I know flying's amazing 100 miles an hour running every time and on twitter it was basically 10 to 1

people going of course you'd fly I honestly think on this people are like no mate no one ever wants to shit themselves well sitting down's great i don't know i i train oh there's a train right

again when you see it i definitely just piss myself on the trip every time you stand up though. Oh, wheelchair. I get a wheelchair. Be like, is Dan disabled? Kind of. Sort of. But then as you're getting out of the wheelchair to get into bed at night,

you're going to piss yourself as you stand up? I'll get a lazy boy wheelchair. Just recline. You're just going to live in a chair? Forever? Yeah. Well, I just don't want to shit myself. I don't like it.

It's bad. Have you never pooed your pants? You're talking like a man who's like, God, piss is easy. I hate piss. I mean, shitting yourself is easy. Have you ever pooed your pants? You're talking like a man who's like, God, piss is easy. I hate piss. I mean, shitting yourself is easy. Have you ever pooed your pants? What have you had, like,

semi-functioning IBS? I have occasionally, on a night out, shit all over the bathroom. Like, when I've got home, like, just, like, missed the toilet by, like, ten seconds. Oh, my God. And it literally just, like, got in the bathroom and just, pfft, gone.

It'd be better to miss the house by ten seconds than get in all the way up the stairs. Do you know what? Ten seconds from the toilet is not in the bathroom, is it? Well, a couple of seconds, like, in the bathroom. Do you know what? This, I shouldn't really tell this story but I'm going to now it's come up naturally I did it at the

Edinburgh Festival this year in a flat chair with Daniel Muggleton and Simon Wozniak and we were in great Bill we were in a

we were in obviously a group chat for the flat and I'd come in pissed shit all over the bathroom done me best to clean it up

but drunk and then oh no a message coming to the group chat the next afternoon just wasn't echoing hey

I'm not 100% certain but I think there might be human shit in the bathroom you haven't jerked off in 36 hours that's unprecedented I hit the wrong one

you mean disgusting yeah I love I love it I love it that you pressed the wrong if you press the wrong thing on the soundboard

it really goes I think there's human shit in the bathroom you haven't jerked off in nearly 30 oh god that's so grim. I can't believe, even after that story, you're like, yeah, probably still take...

Anyway. To be honest with you, I was just a devil's advocate, and I'm with you. I'd take the piss, yeah. I love your devil's advocate. Don't ever back down on him. Right. You got some?

Would you rather... Okay. Would you rather? Okay. Would you rather Adam Rowe? Comedy's Adam Rowe. Former thief Adam Rowe. Current thief. Really? Yeah, I'm still robbing those notebooks.

Are you? Yeah. God, you're a fucking bastard. Every time I stop at a service station, I try and take a notebook. Were you robbing some Crocs? No. I've got fucking principles. Imagine if a guy caught robbing Crocs.

Just have them. They're not even real ones. Who steals from Sports Direct? The staff. Everyone. The staff. Yeah. I've done that a few times with my mate when we were younger.

Walked into Sports Direct I picked up a footy and just volleyed it out the shop I just kicked the ball I didn't steal it and he's stealing it he's took it I don't even know

I just wanted to test the firmness of the football and for me to do that as a customer which I could be I really need to give it a good half volley

and I decided the direction would be out those big fucking windows, the doors. And then you're facing the car, but there's one lad. Yeah, we did do that a few times. Gerrard, fuck off. Do they chase?

I reckon, hey, no. Who are they chasing? I'm not with them. That's someone else who's picked the ball up. I'm continuing shopping. I'm sorry I kicked the ball and it went out your shop. It's not my responsibility to get it back.

I love it how you're acting. Like, if once... I'm sorry I kicked the ball and it went out of your shop. It's not my responsibility to get it back. I love it how you're acting. Like, if once I'm still in the property, you can't do anything for stealing. If anything, I'm still here and the items are out of the building. So. It's not my ball. It's not my responsibility to go and get it back. I was testing

the ball and it bounced awkwardly off my foot and into the street. And that man, who I have never met, Carl Regler, is stealing the ball. Soon to be best man at my wedding. We met through our love of free balls. I think sports direct security guards, they're fast.

Fast? I think they've got to be fast. Why? Because they're wearing the, you know, got to be fast why because they're wearing the you know trainers from the shop they love a chase they're in the pinstripes

like they're fucking referees that's Foot Locker oh shit Foot Locker oh they're wearing Slazinger aren't they

I think the Sports Direct ones are just fat old security guards really who didn't make it a big who's the fastest security guards i don't i don't think any shop specified i don't think like they're

bringing the security company going we need you to be quick because the people fucking volleying out for these running shops you know when you're like the runner's shops whether you buy trainers for jogging and running you've got to have a fast security guard there. Why? Because you'll have fucking Kip Tanui, like, legging it with a... What, you think people are going in the changing rooms, putting on... Trying on a tracksuit and then Olympic-level sprinting out to shop in them? Well, it's the most likely, isn't it?

No! It isn't! How fast do you have to be at Greg's? I could be the security guard in my fucking shit chair you just all you have to do you don't even need a security guard at greg's you just have to make the door slightly narrower you with the gilet trying to get out you can't really rob from greg so can you because it's behind like that glass and then they they charge you before they hand you the right here's my challenge to you,

Adam. Steal something for Greg's for next week's episode. What do I get if I do it? Free Greg's. No, come on. What do you get?

I don't know, what's a good prize? You're going to have to give me a prize, yeah. I'll do it to order if there's an incentive. You can't steal from Greg.

Why are we talking about stealing this much? That's what this week's episode's about. Adam Rowe. Yes. Current thief. Would you rather only be able to have an erection once a month or have a constant erection? Ooh.

Ah, that's a great noise when you come up with a question. I actually came up with this myself as well. I'm just making the noise. I'm dead proud of it. And I am 39 next month. I'm just making this noise because that's the noise I make with the constant erection. Ooh. So, if I only have the erection once a month,

am I still horny the rest of the month? I just can't do anything about it. Or am I only horny when I get the erection? Good technicality. Let me think about it. Are you horny? You can get horny without getting an erection, can't you? Sometimes you feel like,

you know, in your system, you're like, oh, yeah. No, see, I'm 10 years younger than you, so every time I'm horny, can get horny without getting an erection can't you sometimes you feel like you know in your system you're like oh yeah no see i'm 10 years younger than you so every time i'm horny ready to go so you never have any thoughts of like god i'm quite in the mood it's ping in it it's at least just pause the tape I could I'm still if I see a good CD at a good price at HMV I'm studying my crocs I can still get

I can still get a wood young man stop making me out like I'm fucking ancient I'm young I'm younger than you I took ten seconds for not to that's the dementia processing your brain

initially you were like eh yeah that's fine actually and hang on a fucking minute for not processing your brain. Initially, you were like, eh? Yeah, that's fine, actually. And hang on a fucking minute. It was great. Yes, you'd still feel horny. And I also disagree with you. I'm sure you can feel some level of horniness

without just getting a rod on. No, but it's at least a semi in there. Right. You can't even get a semi. Oh, it's... It's shrew town. Oh, it's the lazy a semi, isn't it? Right. You can't even get a semi. Oh, it's... It's shrew town. Oh, it's the lazy. It's the lazy mole.

Oh, come on. You can't. There's nothing you can do to it. No drugs work. Viagra. Nothing. It's a stripper. Floppy car.

Is it the same day every month? No. It's random. Once a month. Is it random? Ooh, good question. Or is it like, you know, like your rent? It's just...

All month, you're like, I've got to be ready for the 28th. No, that's too much pressure. Because you'd be like, it literally comes... It's like... Like a fucking... Imagine if you were single with this problem. You fucking swiping mad on Tinder on the 27th.

I've got one... If you had... One shot. One opportunity. He literally has 15 gig of data a month and he doesn't use it. But, my God, Wednesday the 17th. 14 fucking gig in one afternoon I think you can select

when it happens it's one till completion so one every calendar month so it's your time of the month so I could if I wanted to book like a dirty weekend away with me missus

and have it on the 31st of january and on the 1st of february because they're different calendar months and i could have back to backbone days amazing that's like that's like someone at weight watchers like stockpiling points but can i do that yes you can okay so it's calendar months and i can pick whatever date so it's either that or constant erection. Oh, constant erection's difficult, isn't it? You're never going swimming again. Also, yeah, I mean, it's got to be the once a month out of those two things,

because you can't go anywhere near children. You can't go for a walk in the park and be the guy who's always got a fucking tent in his case. However, you could tape it down. Oh, no, then you need a wee. Oh my God, it has to be once a month. Yeah, piss him with an erection. It's one of the hardest things known to man.

Yeah, I piss in the sink when I've got a boner. What? It's just easier. Do you never hit the taps? No, because I just get on my tiptoes. It's the worst imagery ever. If you, one finger pushing your willy down the side of the... No, if you get on your tiptoes. It's the worst imagery ever. If you, one finger pushing your willy down the side of the... If you get on your tiptoes and angle forward,

then it's just pointing right down the sinkhole. This has been a grim episode, hasn't it? Don't knock it till you've tried it. I've tried it. Of course I've tried it. Every man's tried it. Have you ever... have you ever have you ever like usually sometimes after sex in it i don't know why i'm whispering this bit i always do this do this on stage as well i start talking about sex i'm like leaning everyone and you can see the crowd like you've

got a microphone you dickhead it's not our amplification equipment works have you ever because usually when you need a wee and you've got a boner yeah it's usually poor neck in it or in the morning yeah yeah morning wood have you ever just gone outside no angle and just literally gone for it what in the garden oh it's amazing no through the french doors the chill of the night you've just got laid and Oh, it's amazing. No. Through the French doors. The chill of the night. You've just got laid and then it's your garden. You can do what you want.

Hopefully no one's like, you know, facing. You need quite a lot of back garden and just not have to point it down or angle it down a toilet or a sink, your dirt bag, and just literally like a proud... They're calling me a dirt bag for pissing

in the sink when you're going fucking stark bollock naked 2am into your back garden doing the pedo sprinkler woof straight out the back i have never ever ever done that have you ever done that in a one-night stand in someone else's house just in like a council estate in the middle of preston and there's just like you've left this girl in bed you've got into a back garden stark bollock naked and there's just people brushing their teeth in the houses behind just like who's that the security light goes on Ooh Is this shit Terminator? Yeah The fuck's going here Dirty man I need your clothes

Your boots And your bidet You ever done a shit that way? You ever just gone in your garden That's a shit Hands on your hips like Ta-da Everyone's shat in their garden

and it's nothing to you you love pooing only if I don't make it to the house I once needed to poo so badly on my paper round and I was at the furthest point on my paper round from home, about 14 years old and I was like oh my god it's go time and I knew it and I remember the road oh my god, it's go time. And I knew it.

And I remember the road, Glen Eagles Drive in Penwith and Preston. I went round the back of it. I knew they were out. I knew they were out. They were always out. They were never in. I took out the, you know, the pull-out section of the Lancashire Evening Post. Went round the back of their house and I dropped trowel

and I pooed into the pull-out section of the LEP, wrapped it up, put it in their bin, put the rest of the LEP in the thing and just rode off like job done. So not only did they get an incomplete newspaper, they got a human poo in the bin. Never heard anything about it. Got away with it. On reflection, I'm like, what would you have said

if he'd come round the corner of the house? Excuse me? So sorry. Don't worry, you don't have to pay for this one. I'll knock 45p off your bill. This one's on the house. Did you have to collect the money for your paper round?

No. See, we did. Did you? You used to have to collect the money. I used to make quite a lot of money on my paper round. Did you? I bet you did. No, because I was selling fake DVDs

and fake CDs to me customers. That was like, the paper round money, that was 12 for the week. I didn't fucking need that. But it opened a market up for me. What? So like, you sold knock-off CDs and DVDs

on your paper round. Yeah. And I'm pooing in the Lancashire Evening Post. Yeah. Unbelievable. Who the fuck were you? Like a young Tony Soprano. I made quite a bit of money as a kid, yeah.

I don't know what, I'm not 100% sure we haven't already covered this on the podcast, but. We haven't covered this on the podcast. Are you sure? you like a young tony soprano i made quite a bit of money as a kid yeah i don't know what i'm i'm not 100 sure we haven't already covered this on the podcast but we haven't covered this on the show what you selling cds and dvds on a paper round yeah so when i was a kid where did you get them i used to make them on your computer yeah so i'd get like a there was a fellow by ours who sold this is so fake dv DVD so if a new film come out in the pictures

a few days later he'd have a decent rip of it yeah so I'd buy it off him for a fiver take that DVD home and then just make

copies of it yeah and then like everyone in our streets and everyone on me paper arm which was like the whole of Dovey I'd knock on me like £8.60 for your papers

this week or whatever it was and then do you want any DVDs and I'd take orders as well so I'd knock on me like £8.60 for your papers this week or whatever it was and then do you want any DVDs? And I'd take orders as well so I'd be like I'll drop them off tomorrow. So I used to do £3 for a DVD £2 for a fiver £3 for a CD, £2 for a fiver

Like £12. You had offers on? Yeah. What kind of fucking 12 year old does £2 for a fiver? And we've also got a loyalty club they'll give you a card yeah the two for a fiver and also that was for like

specific albums that I could just download say from LimeWire but I'd also do any 12 songs on a CD for a fiver and I'd download

the individual songs and put them together for the CD for people as well you're looking at me like you want me to make you one. I'm just absolutely gobsmacked. I used to do that and I used to sell sweets on the yard at school as well.

So I was making money from that. I used to spend 11 quid a day at the shop and I'd come home with 35. So I was making 24 quid profit a day. Lucas Aids, big bars of Galaxy and packs of discos. So you'd get like 12 packs of discos for a quid. They were 50p a pop. You'd get a big bar

at Galaxy for like 40p. They were a quid a go. And you'd get... Where did you sell them? On the yard at school. Was it allowed? No. I did have a...

I got caught once by my business teacher. And he... He told me I could sell in his class as long as I gave him a Lucas Aid and a Galaxy every lesson.

A little bit. I gotta wet me beak literally he caught me like passing like a Lucozade under the table to someone he's like what the fuck let me look in your bag and I had like a bag literally full of Lucozades Galaxies and Discos and he was like you're selling aren't you

and I was like yeah but it's a fucking business lesson sir I mean and I start in a business here and he was like give us a Luco aren't you? And I was like, yeah. I was like, but it's a fucking business lesson, sir. I mean, am I starting a business here? Brilliant. And he was like, give us a look at the Galaxy and its hands. And I was like, please. Hey, you're doing well at business, but here's another fucking lesson for you. I like to wear me beak. All right.

Yeah, I was making a bit of that. How are you not a drug dealer? You know when we were talking before about cocaine to heroin to pringles to cook i was a drug dealer and then i just got out that game and went into confectionery i'm joking it wouldn't be surprised honestly i look back on my childhood just doing like rogue shits in people's fucking backyards and you're like jeff bezos in Dovecat in Liverpool we're going to do an online order if you want to get

a four pack of Lucas Aids just send us an email I did used to say I had a fucking beeper I did used to take like advance orders for the

selling on the yard as well it's like I'd have a kid go to me tomorrow I'd definitely want a big bar of Galaxy 2 Lucas Aids and a pack of the crisp

and I'd take the money off him there and then and he'd be guaranteed them because I would sell out and you'd have people coming up to you going can the crisp, and I'd take the money off him there and then, and he'd be guaranteed them. Because I would sell out, and you'd have people coming up to you going, Oh, of course, Adam. You'd have people coming up to you going,

can I have whatever? And I'd be like, I'm out, lad, sorry. Because I could only fit so much in my bag, and I didn't want to get too greedy. You've got to start small and stay small. Oh, totally. I think what must have been weird

is when your dad were like, fucking hell, Adam wants to go to Costco again. It's twice a bloody week, Adam. My dad was in, wasn't he? And my mum. My mum used to get me Costco again. It's twice a bloody week. My dad was in on it. And my mum. My mum used to like get me the stuff.

She'd be doing a big shop and I'd be like I need five packs of discos for this week. Five multi-boxer Lucas Aids and a load of Galaxies. She'd pick them up for me from when she did a big shop.

I think now you're saying this like this is I can tell when you're trying to be funny and then I can also tell when you're just like I'm just telling you things.

People who weren't raised in Liverpool will be listening to this going, oh my God. And all the people in Liverpool will be going, yeah, good. That's how you pay for your fucking... Yeah. That's how you pay for your...

The DVDs and the CDs, they were the best ones because it only cost you about 10, 20p for the CD. Easy to transport. Oh, dead easy. Just a little plastic sleeve and literally just like... In Conspicuousuous i had a

big fluorescent again in plain sight it's got a big fluorescent paper bag as she later as you know it's a fucking big 12 year old isn't he walking around like a fucking like a warehouse with arms popping out of it here's your newspaper is jumanji here's now what i call music eight on cd i was was it on cd i was a little entrepreneur as a kid you know once yes we do now once when i was a really little kid this is true right so um my mom comes home i think i was like nine right and my dad was in but he just let us go out to play and whatever. My mum was at work.

And she comes in and I'm at the kitchen table. And I had like 40-odd, 50 quid, just in pound coins. She's like, where the fuck do you get all that money from? I was like, I'm running a lottery. Oh, my God. I was literally about eight or nine years old. She goes, what the fuck do you mean you're running a lottery oh my god i was literally about eight or nine years old she goes what the fuck do you mean you're running a lottery so i had a sheet of paper with like 34 kensley road she was like you've got this adam i went right mom i've been around the whole estate and i've asked people

do they want to play me lottery for a quiz ago and the prize is under grand and she goes what the fuck are you talking about where are you getting under grand from i was like oh so stupid right mum i'm taking this money to the diy shop and i'm gonna buy metal and wood and i'm gonna make some robots i'm gonna sell the robots for like half a million quid and then i'll give someone 100 grand but I'll still have like 400 grand left and she literally grabbed me and marched me round

with the list in her hand to every house going give the woman a pound back give the man a pound back and half of them I love that you've got any money

literally like I think most of them were just like it's an 8 year old kid who thinks he's running a lottery here's a quid to get out of me

fucking past he's special it's essential hello I'm thinks he's running a lottery it's a great to get out of your fucking path he's special it's essential hello I'm Adam I'm running a lottery yeah I had a good chunk of applicants

also do you want a copy of Terminator 2 and a four pack of fucking Cadbury's double decker amazing double deckers

wearing pink oh shut up I got a lot of dead stock of double deckers, mate. Fucking brilliant. Yeah. Did you ever have to get security in? Because when you were saying all that about having bags of Lucas,

I mean, where you are, what security do you have? This is when you know you're doing well, selling shit in a playground, is when you've got to get, like, a year 11 to be, like, the heavies. No, like, people were generally sound. I wasn't one of the hardest kids in school, but I also wasn't a complete and utter victim, do you know what I mean? I was like an in-betweener.

So people were generally sound, and they knew. If the bully didn't took it off you, then eventually they're going to run out of people selling on the yard, they're not going to get any fucking sweets. And also, one day you'll build robots and they'll kill them that was one of the most amazing I don't know how we got to that from erections but fucking genius

Adam would you rather be one of the best female footballs in the footballs that you just hoof out of sports direct because that's equality

would you rather be one of the best female footballers in the country play for Liverpool ladies

yeah or still be a man and be that's not the end of it and be a

pro footballer in no higher than league one so you're a professional footballer but no higher than League One. So, you're a professional footballer, but you play for Tranmere, or you're a female footballer, and you play for Liverpool. Would you rather?

Okay, so, a few things here. First of all... Well, I'm just waiting to do this, right? Say something about women. Disgusting! Yeah, go on. Men who play in League One are better at football than the best women in the world.

That's like almost a say-it-is-viable fact. Like, a while back in Australia, I believe the Australian women's team were complaining that they weren't paid as much as the men for representing Australia internationally. So the Australian national women's team, the best 11 women in Australia, played against an under-16 side

and they got beat like 12-0 or something by the young lads. So on a sport in front, if I was trying to choose how to be a better footballer, you'd play in League One as a man. However, I think I'm going to choose to be a woman.

Oh my God. And play at the top level. You've changed and it's for the better. I'll tell you why. Go on. It's long-term, like for the rest of your life. I think there's a better career in it for you. That's very true.

Because if you play in League One... You might actually earn more in League One as a... It's a tramier player, mate. Half a million a year. Something like that. Oh, no. Maybe. Like, the best player in League One is probably on 10 grand a week. So that, half a million a year. Something like that. Oh no, maybe. Like the best player in League One is probably on 10 grand a week.

So that's half a million a year. That's more like 250 grand a year. Not even that. Like there's low wages in the lower leagues. Really? It's really like... That's why I picked League One and it didn't go any lower because I wanted to get it at about like five, six, seven grand a week.

I think we can check it. Or we'll check it afterwards or whatever let's not deal in facts let's not ruin let's not bog down this podcast with accurate statements information but yeah i think personally you've got to go as one because i think maybe at the minute i'm not sure about this but i think maybe League 1 do earn slightly more than the top level women do but I think if you're a top level

female player you've got a career as either a pundit a commentator a presenter like Alex Scott smashing it now she's a great female pundit

I love listening to her yeah rightly so on Match of the Day and stuff you're never getting that if you play for Trammere are you? you've got to at least be a Premier League

there's some Premier League players will retire and a lot of people won't know who they are like it's no one will give a shit football fans will be like oh yeah that guy

yeah so if you're in a League 1 you're very very rarely going to get a long term career and as soon as you stop playing fussy you're going to have to

find another job or like go into coaching where again you're more likely to stay in the lower leagues where the wages are really shit um whereas if you're a top level female coach top level female player you can then go into punditry and also i think the women's game is massively on the rise and i don't think quality wise we need to be realistic it's never ever ever ever gonna match not the question though is it yeah it's basically like what

lifestyle would you like because i mean you can get into that well if you want to play the better football i mean that's become becomes a bit irrelevant isn't it what what's the better life and i it's i i was trying to catch you out because of the money basically but you're right you've you're thinking long term yeah you're right you're probably gonna if you wanted the yeah if you actually play for Liverpool ladies yeah

you could definitely have a much better career get more sponsorship deals and especially as the women's game has grown which it rightfully is have you done that thing

on the BBC News now that and they very pointedly did this about a year ago they stopped putting women's football in the characters so if you go on BBC Sport and put football in it's just they stopped putting women's football in the characters so if you

go on bbc sport and put football in it's just men's and women's football like the coverage is not quite equal but they never specify women's football and it happened and i'm wasn't at one with this for a while and that's why they were doing it because it's in tennis you press tennis bbc sport tennis and it goes, those are men's and women's. Obviously, you want to watch both because it's both good. And you're like, yeah, I do. Women's tennis is great. And then nearly every other sport, you're like,

fucking women's rugby, my feet. Fucking bullshit. And that's wrong. That's wrong. And the BBC have a, you know, they're fee paying. Everyone who's got a license fee, it's not the same as being a business going look

we're just going to do what sells I'm not fucking sure about this you know have you ever done that on the BBC Sport website where you've gone and it's like

Arsenal just beat Chelsea I was like eh what on a fucking thing who are they and you're like oh it's the women see I have beef with this and I'm

I'm gonna I'm gonna spaz on this now lad I'm gonna go for it oh god I'm excited I think my wife's downstairs, by the way. I think people are getting very bogged down about,

well, why are we calling it women's football? That's football. That's not men's football, is it? Well, that's literally what they're doing, isn't it? Yeah, and I think the reason it's called football for men and women's football for women is that the men's game was there first. That's the default. I had an argument with someone a few months ago.

I've got... It's the one that's driving the traffic towards the website, isn't it? Yeah. Let's be honest. Sorry. So I think that having defaults is a totally normal thing. Like, I had an argument with a friend of a friend a while back because she was just being a pedantic twat. And I know this girl quite well, but I still won't call her my friend because i don't fucking like her um and i was

talking i was like i went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago and she goes there you mean a straight wedding and i went yeah what are you done about she went it's just that you said wedding and i just knew it would be a straight wedding because if it was a gay wedding, you would have said gay wedding, wouldn't you? I said. No. No, I would have. I would. Because if I say wed... That's how language works.

What? Language works is me trying to get a point across to you and using as few words as possible. If I say wedding, you assume it's a straight wedding because we've had straight weddings for longer than we've had gay weddings. If I say gay wedding, you know it's a gay wedding. The default is there for a reason isn't it i'd say wedding i'd say

wedding and then get into the specifics but i don't like how she's coming at you yeah so it's whether you like the way she so say she was having that conversation with me and i'd probably say wedding and then she'd be like do you mean straight wedding i'd be like well fuck you no because not everyone specifies gay wedding i know what you mean i know you mean that a lot of people say do say gay wedding but again i think that is changing but what a ball bag to start a conversation like that and people are acting like we only do that with things that are relating to sex or sexuality or whatever. Like, if I said to you, I had a Mackey's yesterday, you wouldn't assume it was a breakfast, would you?

Because I'd say, Mackey's breakfast. I do understand what you mean about the just quickly getting over the information. The common one is, that just is, like, there's a reason that it gets the one word. If I am going to tell you about a guy I saw and he was black, I don't just say guy, do I? No. I say black. No diggity.

Yeah, but I imagine in majority black communities, it's the exact same thing but the other way around. Yeah, but listen. I seen a white guy today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I seen a fucking white guy. He was walking around being all white and shit yeah I didn't

what voice was that you were doing he is from Coventry I fucking love Coventry god damn I gotta get me some Rico motherfucking arena that's exactly the point though being a dick like using a characteristic of someone if you're like um on me mates over there which one is he he he's the one in the hat that's the

same as saying the chinese guy if there's only one chinese guy and 18 white fellas but yeah honestly on all, linguistically, you are absolutely right. But when it comes to the BBC website, I get why they have to do it. Fork the BBC website.

You hear? Fork the BBC. Oh my God, now he's doing Warwick. One more of these. What was the question? I don't know. But you play for Tram here now, and you're a woman,

because you're disgusting. That was my favourite one. If I see a guy, I'm always going to say, guy, if he's black. That's stupid. Oh, this is good. This is just to add to it, add to your Coventry accent. Would you rather, forever, for the rest of time,

only be able to talk in a really high pitched squeaky voice or an African accent? Oh no. Adam. Erm. Oh. Hey, are you alright? Welcome to the Hathaway podcast with me i don't know i'm done that and

girl thanks for listening we've had loads of people emailing in saying i'm not listening anymore because you fucking sound terrible oh hello welcome to have a word oh oh shit i was doing my own bangladesh childhood have a word i am I think just for the the racial heat I would get I've got to go high pitched and it would be a nightmare but I don't think you can look like me and be going into fucking coffee shops can I have an oat milk latte vanilla syrup extra shot of coffee how do you open your set at the moment? I'd love to do your opening line as an African. My opening line at the moment.

I know what you are thinking. He is a racist. I'd have to change your opening line. Hello, my name is Adam Rowe. Yeah, I think... I am from Dovecote in Liverpool. You can't look like me and do that. We're barely allowed to do it on the podcast for a laugh.

Never mind. It is a valid, a valid hypothetical. It is slightly... I'm going to go with the high pitch, Dan. I'm going to do this forever. Hello. Give us a cheer if you've been here before. Give us a cheer if you've never been before.

They sound happy, don't't they no diggity i've got the bag you'd never be you never have to talk during sex okay oh jade oh that is so good i'm gonna come i'm getting close right there there. Right there. Right there. Oh, no. That literally... Do you remember Keith Harris in Orville? That's like Orville porn. I wish I could fly right up to the sky. I just come everywhere.

Oh, my dirty dog. Did you finish? No. It's in me face. What is the voice? Is that putting it off? I'll call you a taxi. Oh, God.

We've got to stop doing these now. Okay. Let's have a little break. Let's have a pre-recorded advert in our own voices. I think it's for the best. This week's episode is brought to you by Celestial Clothing. Ladies and gentlemen, if you've seen this week's video, you'll see me in one of their t-shirts, the Wolf T.

Really good quality clothes. They've sent me a few free things to wear on stage and stuff over the past few months. We just wanted to give them a little free advert in this week's show. If you want to find them, you can get them on Instagram. They are Celestial. That is C-E-L-E-S-T-I-A-L. Celestial Clothing. A Liverpool based

designer brand. They're really good prices. We haven't got a discount code or anything for you because we're literally doing this for free just as a favour for them for sending us some free clothes over the past few months so check them out buy some stuff

and let them know that we're the ones who send you cheers just another quick reminder ladies and gentlemen it's Adam and I am about to go on my third UK tour I'm going all over the country a lot of the dates are starting to sell out now you can get tickets for all shows from adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows that is a-d-a-m-r-o-w-e.co.uk forward slash shows

there's a full list in there i'm not going to bother listing the shows you can go and find them yourself and actually dan's going to come and do a couple of these with me so if you're a fan of the podcast and you want to see us both do a bit of stand-up come to a couple of those shows and see us both i'll see you soon it is time for the have a word section motherfucker this is the bit in it this is a good coventry accent though really good this is a the the whole point of the podcast which is becoming less and less the point of the podcast because there's just so much bullshit that

comes before it. It's Have A Word, ladies and gentlemen. If you are a first-time listener, this is where we get sent some messages from people who want us to have a little chat or talk to someone in their life who's a bit of a tit, a bit of a dickhead. If you've got any of these and you want to send them in to us, and feel

free to send us some would-you-riders as well, you can send them to IHaveAWordPod on Twitter or Instagram. You can send it to HaveAWordPod at gmail.com, or you can message me. I'm at AdamRoweComedy on Twitter, at AdamRoweComedian on Instagram, and you are at DanHazzaPodcast on here. Full commitment.

So, yeah, get them in. We've had a couple of really good submissions this week one which we'll do first is quite a short one and then a second one is quite a long one so we'll start first you ready dan you ready for this i am yeah okay so this is from chris m so thanks chris for getting in touch. Short and sweet. Okay, ready? Hello, lads. My girlfriend always shits with the door open. Please have a word.

It stinks. Cheers. One word. The snus thing! She always shits with the door open. Yeah. What would you do if Laura was... If you came up, she knew you were in the house,

because I shit with the door open, obviously, when there's no one in, but, like, if she knew you were in the house, because I shit with the door open, obviously, when there's no one in. But if she knew you were in the house and you come upstairs and doors open, you're just looking at her taking a... She'd dump. She'd be mortified. She'd be mortified. Yeah. I mean, we talk about movements.

It's like literally Gillian McKeith live. We discuss them. We've got a child. There's loads of talk of it, but she will not, the act does not happen with any visuals, which I'm fine with. Now, she doesn't want me to do it the other way around, and I try and trap her into a catching sight.

I'm like, Laura! Try and make it sound like I'm not in the bathroom. So you poo with the door open? I try and trap her into coming up the stairs to look. You're having a poo? I try and make it sound like I'm not in the bathroom so you poo with the door open I try and trap her into coming up the stairs to look you're having a poo I'm like I'm just trying to make it sound like I'm not doing it I'm like Laura

could you just come up here for a second and then I'm like are you disgusting you're disgusting do that face again okay cool is that regular she never does it with the door open

and I think honestly I'm fine with that you're fine with it not being it with the door open. And I think, honestly, I'm fine with that. You're fine with it not being open? Close the door. So you think this girl's out of order? How long they been together? Is it like two months?

Because I think that's a bad sign of things to come. Fourth date. Gary! He also says always. Always. So it's not like, apparently it's not just in the house. Nando's. His nana's.

No one poos at someone's nana's house. That's brutal. I poo wherever I need to poo, mate. Really? Yeah. If I need to poo right now, I would get you to pause it and we're going,

shit, are you toilet? That's fine. And I wouldn't flush. That's fine. That's... I'd just get a WhatsApp from Simon, wasn't it? and we're going, shit, new toilet. That's fine. And I wouldn't flush. That's fine. I'd just get a WhatsApp from Simon, wasn't it?

I am pretty sure there's human poo. I think, yeah, it's not good, is it? My bowel movement's quite bad.

This has been a very poo-related podcast. It really has. I don't care. So, like, I, Jade's on it with me like she's like bathroom door shut open the fucking window yeah shit in the toilet before you even stand up yeah you flush it all gone yeah febreze the whole place flush again ring a priest you're not a man of god you're not a man of god

oh um yeah so i i it's different it's different what we do in the shadows is not going to be good is it i don't want to sound sexist man too but theer of the sexist is often the least disgusting of the movers the ladies and I walk in and Jade having a poo all the time

how is it so like our bathroom door doesn't have a lock on it so if I don't know she's in the toilet I'll sometimes just go upstairs

open the door and she's just like I'm having a shit and I'm like I'm not arsed and she's not horrified she was the first few times but it's happened enough now

I think she's just like oh for fuck's sake oh right see Laura's not there yeah I don't mind I'm not arsed but if he's saying

to his missus darling stop doing that it's horrible it's no judgement and he's not a bad guy for it I just you're allowed to just

not want to see that yeah but I've got a feeling he's a bit of a shit house and he hasn't actually sold her and he's not a bad guy for it i just you're allowed to just not want to see that yeah but i've got a feeling he's a bit of a shit house and he hasn't actually sold her and he's getting oh right she's just like you don't mind me doing this he's like no no i like it it's okay go for it babe wave at me hold my hands it's a stinky one come by i can't wait till my daughter's old enough that she can just do the whole thing on her own Daddy

it's a hurty one How old is that now? 24 Such an old job oh god oh jesus christ a 24 year old man do you love her do you love her because really if you love her it doesn't matter does it she's just gonna do it if it's gonna be long term this is the girl you're staying together with, you're going to see worse than this. Yeah, I feel like if you haven't had a word with her yourself,

just say, like, look, this is horrible, this, I don't like her. If it's bothering you that much, but if you can, just fucking let it go, innit? Yeah, I honestly think that's actually, I'm not trying to make myself out to be like really philosophical but if you really love someone you're like oh you dare to be like it's fine i love you if you don't like someone not only do you not want them pooing in front of you you don't really want them talking to you so it's like if she really loves her i also like let's imagine for a second that he has spoke to her if she's just doing it to wind them up, I actually quite think that's funny. She's a legend. Yeah.

Will you stop shitting when the door open? No. Gary, Gary, I've got something to show you. Yeah, and if she's committed to winding people up to that level, I think propose. Marry her. Propose while she's having a shit. I wonder if anyone's ever done that. the first chris like instagram live down on one knee that'll get you closer that'll stop her doing it

just just live stream every time she's doing it wow just go on instagram or twitter and just get a live feed up and refuse to turn it off while she's pooing just be like shut the fucking door or you're going all over the internet. There you go. There's your result. Like, that's your solution. Easy. It's gone viral.

She's not happy. Yeah, sorry, man. There's not much of a have a word with that one, innit? No. You want us to go, oh, she's disgusting. It's just funny. It's fine, innit? No. You want us to go, oh, she's disgusting. It's just funny.

It's fine, innit? It's just funny. We're not bothered by poo. She does sound funny, though. She does sound funny. If Chris's girlfriend listens to this... Oh, Chris, sorry. If Chris's girlfriend listens to this, then do us a favour, lad.

Gail. I'll call you lad. Listen, lad, Gail. Get in in touch with us tell us something bad about chris because and let us know whether you're just doing it for the laugh because if you are you're a legend and we would love to have you as a guest on the podcast you know what of all these other words now i uh i would love some feedback on how they actually went down i would love it if chris is missing listening to this one all right fucking emailing podcasts, are we? Well, when I've finished here,

I'm going to get my own back. Don't close the door. Get your own back, Gail. Get something into us about Chris. Or, you know... I haven't gone on that. This one's going to be a big one. Or, I don't know, just have a wipe wash your hands there we

go chris hope that helps your lad next one next one i think this is a doozy this one you know so this is from kieran mccormack on twitter thanks kieran for getting this one into us lad you dm'd me it and we appreciate it um well adam the podcast is boss absolutely love it and it genuinely helps me get through work it just a little side note there we've had a couple of messages from people saying like um the podcast helped them through like a tough time or whatever it's just keeping them sort of going or whatever and you know we're not doing it for that sort of thing we're just doing it to have a laugh but if it's helping anyone i honestly feedback like that really blows me away and i know it got to you as well.

It's great. Yeah, we've all been through crappy times with work and stuff. Yeah, and if it's helping you, then as a by-product of us just getting to be full of shit, then... Just keep going. Just keep going because we've all been through some hard times.

One time at work, Adam didn't sell a whole bag of Lucas-Aid, you know? That's when I started putting weight on because I had to go home with a full bag of snacks and I couldn't face my dad. Adam, are you wearing

a gilet? I'm drinking this stock, mother! I drank eight Lucas-Aids, had four big bars of Galaxy and a multi-pack of discos on the bus home. Oh, fuck!

That just made my heart hurt even listening to that list. Adam, he's running round the garden. I'd like to see that shit. That shit is a door closed one, isn't it? One time.

No, don't. One of me DVD customers said that the quality wasn't up to standard and I had to refund them three quid such a tough day and then reputation

got round like I was shopping shoddy stuff and that's when I had to go and work in Mackey's fucking hell that's where the human jury started

anyway come on podcast boss helps me get through work was wondering if you'd have a word with one lad I've been friendly with for a long time. Friendly with?

Not friends, not committing to that, but he's friendly with them. He sounds like a mate of a mate, doesn't he? Yeah. He has this ridiculous problem of cock-blocking us every single time someone we know gets close to a girl. Oh, no.

He will come in and say to the girl something ridiculously crude or sort of an embarrassment that i may have done he's been doing it for years and it's at the stage where other mates have been forced to divert him in order for us to seal the deal so they're literally like road blocking this guy like get him out the way john's onto a win idiot he's gonna get of the way unless this fucking knobhead ruins it so usually with a wingman the wingmen deal with the girl's mate this guy's such a bellend he's having to have wingmen

to get rid of him from the oh my god that's advanced like metrics oh it's horrible this he's been doing it for years he's had to stage where

other mates have been forced to diverse and for us to seal the deal it was funny the first time but now it's just sad. It can be scary enough talking to girls, but having the constant fear of this prick coming over your shoulder and ruining it is unbearable. Thanks from Kieran McCormack.

Kieran. Let's just say, this lad you're friendly with is a fucking rat. Who the fuck is that guy? He's a rat. This is so cut and dry. I mean, obviously we're going to talk about it, but Kieran knows exactly how we're going to come down on this one.

I'm angry. I'm pissed off. He's not growing up quick enough, is he, that lad? Whoever he is. What should we call him? Can we just give him a name? Henry. Fucking Henry! Fucking H-Bomb. Whoever he is, what should we call him? Can we just give him a name? Henry. Henry. Fucking Henry!

Fucking H-Bomb. Henry, lad, like... Just let your mates crack on. He must be massively insecure, because there's no mention of him getting beards here, is there? So I reckon he's watching his mates try and pull, and he's like, I'm getting no fucking attention, I'm going to ruin it for everyone. Of course he's not getting any beards.

He's the one trying to pull people's pants down. I'm getting no fucking attention. I'm going to ruin it for everyone. Of course he's not getting any... He's the one trying to pull people's pants down. I'm like... It's almost like, in my head, it's like a grown seven-year-old, like, oh, God, girls, that's where germs come from. Girls are disgusting. There's not one worse than a Kochblacher, though. What's the female equivalent of Kochblach, though. But, like, if it just happens once...

What's the female equivalent of Kochblicher? Well, someone being a dirty hoe and trying to get off with your man, I suppose. I don't know what I'm trying to... No, but, like, I mean, like, someone who... Not someone who tries to steal your man, but someone who just tries to stop you getting laid. Because girls want to get laid just as much as lads.

It's 2020. Yeah. It might be the girl who's like, oh, no, you're always going, you two always do well with boys. What do you call them? We've got Koch Bloch.

A quim dryer. A vag rash. A vag rash. I don't know. I'd plough on through a rash. A cock. I'm plough on through a rash. A cock. I'm just trying to think. It's a podcast, you know.

You can't just do sign language. People can't hear it. You got to the end of a point where you went, or you could... Hang on, nothing. I'm trying to think of like a... What would cover a vagina?

A vag gate? A vag gate. A cock block, doesn't it? Oh, yeah, sorry. Cock block. A vag hag? vag gate a cock block oh sorry yeah sorry cock block a vag hag what's a hag a vag haj

you can't just rhyme something a vaggy haj it has to make sense a vaggy haj that sounds racist a 1990s Romanian footballer

stands in front of your vagina a vaggy georgie haj a minge fringe oh no I took it to minge it's the worst a vagina. A vaggie Georgie Hadgie. A minge fringe. Oh, no, I took it to a minge. It's the worst one,

minge, isn't it? The worst name for a vagina, minge. It sounds diseased. All right. It does, doesn't it?

Minge. Oh, mangy. Yeah, that's where it comes, that's, I think that's the mental association,

isn't it? A mangy ranger. A mangy ranger. That's a cock block for it? A mangy ranger. A mangy ranger. That's a cock block for girls, a mangy ranger. Guardian of the Galaxy. A lesbian. I wonder if he's into girls, this guy. A beaver dam.

Oh! Fucking. This podcast will never top that. You know, we've just reached the peak at episode seven. It's over. It's done. We've done it out here. A beaver dam, mate.

And that's why I'm supporting you on tour. Oh, my days. We can talk about it more if you want, but we've done. You've headlined... This is like, you know, in a set where you're like, when you're comparing and you come up with a blind, you're like, I've really got a couple of minutes left. Well, it's time to get off. This is the podcast equivalent of putting the mic in the stand light thanks very

much for oh yeah he's a fucking idiot and he he needs to grow up he does because because he'll look back in a few years and go oh god yeah i was a bit childish he's just not got there and it's maybe through his own insecurities about not wanting to crack on with girls maybe he's just a bit immature i don't know where he's at but if you are so socially unaware that you don't see that you get to that age as a lad where you're like mate if you're not on the same team here we're best mates we like doing the same thing but we also chase around the girls at that college age and beyond that's a lot of fun that's the point yeah that's why at 38 i don't go to bars and nightclubs anymore because once you're out of that

game like what the fuck would i do that for yeah it's mad that age you need that you need mate me and my friend bondy developed hand signals for like night nights out because it was so we were so good at interlink still he was the best man at my wedding if you pulled on your ear it was get me the fuck out of it just one pull on your earlobe didn't matter if it was a conversation with a girl or anyone it was usually a girl just get me out and then if you just rubbed under your nose it was like mate we need to talk and if it was just a quick chin stroke i still remember all of them leave me alone i'm doing great that's how in tune we were and it's why we were best mates did you ever get pulled out of a conversation that you were enjoying because you just had an itchy ear that never happened you know when you're drinking

and you're like you can just see someone's scratching their ear just because you wanted a line I'm like fucking Dave come here mate and Dave's like what are you doing

and I'm like oh shit yeah you don't know the code fuck off back to your conversation where's Bondi yanking his ear off with some minger in the corner I also think um

do you know what's underrated with dealing with problems like this fucking knocking someone else like if i was kidding and this had happened for what sounds like years and time after time after time i'd be like lads i swear to god the next time you do something like that i'm just gonna hit you i'm just gonna have to i think people can learn a lot by getting punched in the face i used to do a routine about this because my missus could do with a punch in the face now i don't want to do it i'm not gonna but i feel like if we can find someone in here weight class division just just one big fuck off i just think knowing what a punch in the face feels like means that you behave in a way to avoid punches in the face oh yeah like laura laura has road

rage incidents that would really strongly suggest she'd never been wellied in the face do you know what jay did once this is this is a fucking 100 true story so we've been shopping in town right and we come back to her car and she'd been blocked in annoying 100 true story so we've been shopping in town right and we come back to her car and she'd been blocked in annoying that in it when you've been blocked in a bit terrible she's been blocked in by a black range rover with black tinted windows black wheel trims drug dealers car in it gotta be danger danger so she's like cheeky fucking cunt i'm gonna leave a note and i went you're not you're not gonna leave a note we're just gonna was it all everything was all black yeah oh so much danger i was like you going to leave a note we're just going to was it all everything was all black yeah

oh so much danger I was like you can't leave a note cars, scallies, ninjas all black is a bad sign just awful she's like I'm leaving a note

I was like you're fucking not leaving a note let's just get out of here and I went if you need me to I'll get the car out she was like are you fucking joking

you're saying I can't fucking drive I was like no what I'm saying is let's get out of here as quick as possible if I do it or you do it we can get the car out it's going to take a while but we can's get out of here as quick as possible if I do it or you do it we can get the car out

it's going to take a while but we can get it out of here it'll be fine and she got out the car I went where are you going do you know what she did she got him milkshake that she'd just got from Archie's

vanilla and she poured it all over the top of the windscreen so it'd come right over the windscreen she got back in the car and I was like what are you doing we still haven't got the car out

you fucking idiots we're stuck here what if the guy comes back she's like he's not here i was like you don't know who it is there's a guy in a puma trackie over there it's almost certainly fucking him you're lunatic and she goes i'm a girl he's not gonna touch me i was like you're right he's gonna fight me you know what i said i'd die for? I meant you can have a kidney one day. I don't want to get stabbed on Bold Street, you fucking knobhead. And do you know what? She got away with it. Nothing happened to her.

We got away with it. And almost, there's a part of me that wishes I got battered for it, just so that she'd learn a vicarious lesson. I don't think that's the lesson you're talking about, though. Look at me. I've been hospitalised for two weeks because you're eating nothing not really if anything I miss my milkshake

so yeah Kieran just fucking jab him lad pop his nose maybe he's tough though maybe in my black eye he's a bellend but like

it sounds like it's happened to a group of them jump him twat him also here's some information that you don't know when you're a young lad just bin him off

you're allowed to dump your mates you can just fuck a mate off it's real when you and he's not a mate't know when you're a young lad. Just bin him off. You're allowed to dump your mates. You can just fuck a mate off. It's real. And he's not a mate, is he? When you're younger, you're like, oh, God, why could I? This is a nice social group. Just, like, have an intervention. Yeah, fuck him off.

Get rid of him. So the lad who's doing it, Henry, your fake name that we've given you, pack it in or you're going to get knocked out. Either Kieran's going to do it or we're going to come and find you. And, well, we probably won't knock you out because we don't know how hard you are. And if he wears an all black tracksuit and you think, danger,

you just bin him off. It's cold, silent treatment. Just start a new WhatsApp group. Done. Fuck him off. Beaver damn. Oh, I see. Beaver Dam Oh I think You've made me happy Right

Let's call that Because that's a That's a pod It is a pod And you've got to go to that there London town meet I have What are you going to steal

At the services I've got to get the train today So I can't You can't steal on the train Can you You've got to be in a car Would you think you'd steal something For next week Can you going to steal at the services? I'll get the train today, so I can't. You can't steal on a train, can you? You've got to be in a car. Would you think you'd steal something for next week? Can you try and steal something from a Greggs?

Not like a fucking donut. It might not be from Greggs, but I'll steal something and bring it next week. Proms. Right. Promise. Weird homework we're setting for each other, innit? And you have got a... Oh dear.

Crazy playlist on Spotify. What? But does it take my vinyl? My old timey records. We'll meet again. Speaking of music.

We've got some music. We've got some music to play us out. Well remembered. We have got a submission from a lad called Tom Moorcroft. Now, I met Tom a few years ago. I was on a night out with two other comedians who people don't know.

Their names are Tony Carroll, who we've mentioned on the podcast before, and Lewis Calvert, who was a Mather man through school. Who the fuck is that guy? And we went on a night out and we went to the Jackaranda pub in Liverpool into the basement just for a drink.

And there was an open mic music night on and Tony sang and Lewis actually did some stand-up that night. And it was hosted by a lad called Tom Moorcroft. Dead Sound lads, he let us get on that night and we had a few drinks with him afterwards. Dead Sound.

And he's now releasing his own music. So we've got a song from Tom, you can follow Tom on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and all stuff like that as well and the song is called Time Will Tell Nice one. It's a belted of a song

this is Time Will Tell by Tom Moorcroft and we'll see you next week. Nice one. Bye. moorcraft and we'll see you next week nice one bye i guess I guess the time will tell if I am more than you I guess I'll ask yourself, that's your point of view You need it, you want it, you say that it's all that you see You get on, you cling on, you ride on, you side on to me You get on, you cling on, you ride on, you side on to me I guess the time will tell if I'm on to you I guess the lies you sell will banish your point of view

It's tasty, it's racy, it's kosher, it's tough and it's good You need it, you want it, to say it's the way that it should I guess the time will tell if I am one of you I guess I'll lodge yourself, balance your point of view Oh Oh point of view I guess the time will tell if I am one of you I guess the lies you sell will balance your point of view I guess the time will tell if I am one of you I guess the lie is yourself, but it's your

point of view I guess the time will tell if I am one of you I guess the lie is yourself, but it's your I wanna hear the nice sides of the words you're pulling on me I wanna hear the nice sides of the words you're pulling on me I wanna hear the nice sides of the words you're pulling on me Thank you.