Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #70 - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 3, 2020

After three and a half pissing months of webcam zoom meeting podcast... we are in the same fucking room again!!! (PLEASE DO US A SOLID) Subscribe to our YouTube channel: YouTube.com/haveawordpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks so much for downloading the podcast. If you would like to support the pod financially, we're on Patreon. It's patreon.com slash have a word pod. If you sign up, you can get potential discounts on merch, future live shows, post-rona. But the big one is you'll get the Wednesday full episode, which is exclusive on Patreon. So Monday, that's for everybody. Friday, that's for every motherfucker as well. But Wednesday is just for patrons.

Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. Appreciate you. What is happening kids Today's sponsor As always Is Beer 52 Now if you don't know Who these are yet

Where have you been They are the UK's Most popular Craft beer Discovery club And they've teamed up With us To give our listeners

A free case of beer That's 8 free beers An award winning Beer magazine And a tasty snack Did I mention It's for free You pay fuck all Apart from the £5.95 postage, which is nothing.

You'll then become a member of the Craft Beer Discovery Club and they will send you a different theme every month. Previous themes have included the beers of Germany, the beers of California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa and many, many more. You'll find beers and ales you would never have found on your own. Also, you can pause or cancel your membership to Beer52 at any time. But for now, just go and get your free case of beers, okay? Go to beer52.com slash word.

That's B-E-E-R-5-2 dot com slash W-O-R-D. And you'll get a free case of beer. And every time one of you signs up, they send us a bit of money. You're supporting us. You're getting yourself some free ale. Everyone's a's a winner now let's get back to the pod now i'm getting the word nuts oh jesus let me muscle again oh hercules hercules oh you think this is your ally who the is that guy have you never seen me before? Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Disgusting! Follow us on social media at Have A Word Pod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod. They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. Have a word. Just start. Just start. Like, yeah.

Just feels weird talking in here, doesn't it? That's what I was like. It feels like we've broken into the school on the summer holidays and gone, well, let's record a podcast. Fuck them. Fuck the teachers. Do you know, before we found this place,

I actually thought about contacting my old school to be like, are there any rooms that don't really need to be used by you that we can just have as a podcast studio how long would you last before someone shouted nonce at full volume in that end adam i know you're for me pupil but we just don't feel it's comfortable also that bald guy that keeps coming in just don't trust him around the kids the glasses the beard it's just a weird combination we googled his comedy and it's one of the first things is about him being a pedophile danish pedophile is he danish why would you bring him to the school so um for the first time ever, not soundproofed, a bit echoey, set up like we are fucking podcast refugees.

We are in the Havre Word Studios. I've been up since 5.30. I've been up since, it's worse. Like, you've been up since half five, and I've been up since nine, but it is worse for me, because that's more earlier for me than I normally am than it is for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I'm the one suffering here, not you.

No, it's genuine. Like, everyone's going to be like, yeah, fucking, no way Dan's having that. I totally know what you mean. I'm usually up at seven, 7.30. 5.30 is a- I'm usually up at like two, half four, something like that. I got up this

morning i was like right just i'll just tell adam what i'm doing i was in fucking b&m home stores at like god knows what time like 10 past eight and i thought i'm just gonna tell adam what i'm doing just fill him in on what i've done and then i saw that you like i was like it was early i was like he's not gonna be up for a while and then WhatsApp I really love that on WhatsApp when you say last seen that's a real giveaway

as to what's going on and it was like ten past two I was like oh shit yeah it's going to be a long day were you like buzzing

I was like I really like woke up like I was excited and also anxious and I'm yawning on the pod Dan naughty Adam erm camp Adam I was excited and also anxious. I'm yawning on the pod, Dan. Naughty Adam. Camp Adam.

Naughty Camp Adam. Yeah, we watched an episode of The Good Wife and then I just had the telly on and I was just playing. The dog at the minute is... My dog's bipolar. Like, my dog is fucking crazy. And during the day at the minute,

she's just going into a little harry potter bedroom under the stairs and she doesn't want anything to do with me anything to do with jade for hours and hours and hours on end and then at like two o'clock in the morning she comes upstairs she's like can i have the loudest squeakiest toy can we play with that now fuck you know so but i also don't want to not play with her because i want to give her the attention that she should have got in the day so i was up till about half three want to not play with her because I want to give her the attention that she should have got in a day. So I was up until about half three, four, to be honest with you. Wow.

And then up at nine. Yeah. That's not sustainable, is it? We've done, I've done in the last 24 hours, as much like real work stuff as I've done since I was about 20. Oh, yeah. Bloody get a pickup. go to blood go and get some painting stuff get to the office get stuff done you're like what am i even pretending

to do it's uh it's been a good day though we've been a couple of moments our orange sofa here we've got our wallpaper our paste and table our desk uh our coffee table all the stuff we need to decorate which we're going to be doing tomorrow once we've had a few things changed about the layout by an electrician um yeah we're getting there aren't we we've had to do we just got just this is some real world stuff really i want someone else to do this for me but as we've not got the fucking budget I want to be like I don't know what I'm doing I like talking and being funny and shouting nonce

could you come and do all the manly things and I don't even care with that stuff I don't mind playing the effeminate like I don't know don't even have a drill what would I do with it I think it's so funny that we're so shy of manual labour that we're like have you got any

idea how to put a curtain rail up or we're gonna have to bring in a professional curtain rail you go at google doing google uh google curtain rail putter up here google's like you're a fucking moron thank you google it's gonna look sick though imagine how good it's gonna feel because the only people who listen to this are our proper fans who listen to the podcast there's not an abundance of comedians and people in our industry listen to it there's you know maybe 20 to maximum 50 i think there's some up-and-coming acts comedians listen to it and we know a few because we're a hero to them but everyone else apart from the few comics i've spoke to who are close mate to mine and told them what we're doing at the minute no one knows what we're in the process of doing and on monday or friday next week whenever

we've got it finished and how we want it and we get to take that photo and put it online and go have a word studios is open for business the amount of comedian whatsapp groups that we're not in we're gonna be like how the fuck have they done that? It's going to be great. I can't wait. Multiple shots, wide angle. It's basically podcast dick swinging. And everyone's like, yeah, but there'll be loads of people,

how have they done that? It's taking a bit of a punt, to be honest. Because if this pandemic lasted a year and a half, we probably shouldn't have put put money into studio but it's that it's literally worth the risk at this point what we're essentially doing here is asking the fittest girl in school to prom knowing do you know what if this comes off it's gonna be fucking amazing but there's every chance that i'm gonna be the talk of the school for a while and fucking pop out.

Yeah, if we're back in here painting it Magnolia again any time before Christmas, shit's gone wrong. Yeah, it is a bit of dick swinging in it. I'm looking forward to being like... Yeah, I like swinging me dick. Yeah, because the podcast is good, but wait till it looks this good. And it's basically like we're getting a dick extension. Got a nice dick.

People like my dick. Launch Have a way tv on the old youtube it's gonna be sick we're so excited and it's weird to be doing a podcast about the podcast but there's nothing else we can fucking talk about at the minute because this is what we're doing uh yeah can we give a shout out to colin yeah he he told me he doesn't really want shout-outs because he's got a business as well, which I mentioned to you before, and I was like, we'll do you an advert. We'll do you, like, a week, a month, whatever you want. Because one of our listeners, Colin,

and we'll omit his surname in case he really doesn't want these shout-outs, he's lent us a pickup truck, like a fucking Nissan enormous pickup pickup truck which meant that i could drive the sofa over here um the coffee table and the desk which doesn't fit in any car because of the shape of it for fuck all for nothing just because he loves the podcast crazy yeah it's crazy and adam the caps that you wear and you driving a pickup truck, in my head, the banjo was playing when you drove up.

Oh, howdy, partner. You got anything needs collecting? I work for Bull K-Pop. We're going to get some podcast equipment. Yeah, so I can't say how much we appreciate that from colin that is massively appreciated and all the excitement we've had from everyone on patreon and whatnot it's just like it's it's really sweet how invested people feel and it's just sort of cute being like hanging out like today when we went to azada together like oh it's just it's just feels so i know people's lives aren't all back

on track and then some people are still isolated and everything but life is starting to creep back isn't it like laura's away for the weekend you and me are like let's go to asda for lunch and like it's just weird you're like fucking it was only a month ago where just this none of this was happening yeah it was only two weeks ago when all this, none of this was happening. Yeah. It was only two weeks ago when none of this was happening. Can we now talk about the fact that you eat cucumber like a hot dog? Yeah. It really looked phallic, didn't it? We went to Asda before so we could get some lunch.

And check out all the babes. Oh, wrong con. There was a woman who looked like chicken soup. She's the ugliest human being I've ever seen. I don't want to ugly shame her. Obviously, I'm not going to name her because that would be awful. Everyone in Roncorn knows who you're talking about. Yeah, the soup face woman. Oh, it knocked me sick.

But we went to Asda. I got four chicken thighs from the little rotisserie deli thing. Hot, petty, petty flavour. And you got yourself a full baguette that you just ripped to pieces and dipped in some hummus. And a fucking whole cucumber that you ate like it was a fucking rollover hot dog.

I, yeah. I mean, if I'd had cutlery, I would have definitely chopped it up. It did feel wrong, eating it like a fucking massive green banana. That's it. Not a hot dog, a banana. I'll tell you, I'll tell you.

Yeah, it was, yeah, it's weird. But needs must. Also, because you're like eating well and dieting. I was like, I nearly bought more shit. And I was like, oh God, shit and i was like oh god i feel judged i feel judged i'm i am not looking forward to the raised eyebrows when i roll back into a dressing room no one's seen me for three months and i'm 20 pounds lighter everyone like yeah adam's done all right done i think i probably need it to get back on the exercise and health.

I need to sit because no one's that rude. I mean, there's a few sociopaths in comedy who'd be like, what the fuck, fat fuck? But most people are just like, oh, yeah. I just need that little look. I need two comedians to catch us and be like, hmm? Do you know what's really funny though? You've put weight on in lockdown and you feel fat and I've lost weight in lockdown and I

feel great and I'm definitely still fatter than you. And it doesn't matter because the only thing that matters is the change, isn't it? Because I'm going to see people and they're going to be like, oh my God, you look great. You really, you can really tell you've lost the weight. Well done, mate. Well done. And then you'll be like, Dan, hi, Dan.

You look fucking awesome. Jesus, Dan. Look at Adam. He's eight pounds heavier than your boy. He's fucking doing really well. I am struggling to get used to people who don't know me. Wanting to fuck you in Roncorn, Asda. Hi, you seem like

you've got more than three teeth and two eyes. Hello. Oh my God. We can't slag Runcorn off too much because we're going to be spending so much time here

from now on. What, just for the pussy? Yeah, I know. I'm going to be here all the time. Hey, have you been here as before? I smiled at a woman and she's like

smile back it was like I was smiling and she clocked me and she's like sort of like as if we were doing a bit of a flirt

I was like no I just smile no you're in the way of the fucking chocolate eggs I'm not I'm not in runcore

smiling at someone as is like you wanna marry me she was like fuck that guy's into it I was like I'm not I'm in runcore smiling at someone and Asda's like you wanna marry me she was like fuck that guy's into it I was like no I was just being friendly um

sorry what were you saying you're so distracted by the studio I am you keep looking at like look what we've done nothing we've moved a couch here

and half yeah I'm just looking around it's also weird being back in front of you because normally we're through a screen. I could just do it like putting like a board around your face.

What are we saying? I can't remember. Fucking talking about Asda. Oh my God. Being up since 5.30 is full fucking on. It's the the's the health and safety video yesterday

was so like two ADHD kids being sat down by like the caretaker at school. Like people listen to this like, of course there's a health and safety thing. Have you never had a job? Have you never had a new job where you have to be taken through orientation we're not like that

we get told hey can you be here at 8 o'clock and by half 8 you'll be out the fucking building nothing to watch turn up do 20 minutes of fucking

dicking around here's 200 quid get out me fucking life if you even ask for parking help they're like oh god do you want me to wipe your ass sorry

just wanted to know where to park. And you can tell the security guy here didn't want to show us through that fucking health and safety. It was a PowerPoint presentation followed by a video that recapped everything in the PowerPoint presentation. Your head was going. I was watching it.

It was like, you know when someone's got, like, a pain in the neck, like they've strained the neck? I could see Adam like... I was like, you know when someone's got a pain in the neck, like they've strained the neck? I could see Adam like... I was like, he's going... It's like when someone's trying to keep their Tourette's in. You know, when someone's like... I was like, he was like, you're obliged to watch this.

It's just four or five minutes. I was like, Adam is going to be on Twitter within five minutes. Don't pick it up. Don't look. Do you know how good a video has to be online for me to watch all five minutes. Don't pick it up. Don't look. Don't look. Do you know how good a video has to be online for me to watch all five minutes of it? In the event of a fire, try and find your local exit

and stay there. Intermittent beats. Who are these videos for, though? In the event of a fire, don't worry about anything. Just get yourself to safety. Who is not watching that video and then going no no fire's beating me and my fucking office mate i'll fucking beat the shit out of this

fucking fire it's work it's work waste paper bin i'm very attached to it it was the way he was having to do like the formality of it like right okay obviously you just write your the name of the company about name of the company have a word podcast name of the company adam and dan's big adventure and then he was like what's your position at the company i was like bitch i'm half the company he was like yeah we don't usually do it for two people like no shit because you isn't we're not a company we're two bellends with microphones and this space is big enough for what like 12 people like if this was like a call center you could get 10 12 people in this room and he's like what because he didn't know i don't know whether you got onto that he had no fucking idea what we

were getting this place for like the woman who sorted this all out for us did not tell steve they're creating a podcast studio it's not like everything else he thought we run a fucking two man business selling toothbrushes to people in fucking saudi arabia or something i don't think what his opinion of podcasting has not gone up by the fact that we couldn't make it four minutes into a helping without just me starting to snigger at someone's shit acting like try and find your emergency exit and then they filmed someone walking up to the wall and reading i was like this is too much and if no context have a word is listening could you just knock the s off dan

saying snigger and make that oh my god stop trying to get us cancelled fuck me stop trying to ruin our careers i love the no context have a word apart from when they're like Jews oh shit I've just done it again oh fuck do you know what I realised this week because I'm sure

some of our listeners are well aware that there's been a few comedians who've got in trouble this week for being a bit non-see a bit touchy feely

a bit rapists well I didn't think we were going to go there today oh I'm not going to name anyone oh no I just didn't think you would want to go there today. Oh, I'm not going to name anyone. Oh, no, I just didn't think you would want to talk about it. No, no, I don't want to go into detail. I just, I had a really nice thought about it.

You can tell the accusations aren't against Adam. Yeah, a lot of people have been called sex pests. There's allegations of rape knocking around. But I've had a really nice thought about it. It's not me well the thing is though there's like it there's so many pubs and restaurants and stuff that are in trouble because of covid19 yeah right and that's going to extend to theaters and comedy clubs and it's going to mean there's less gigs but it turns out so many comedians have been like fingering people and that that they're going to be gone and the amount of gigs that we lose is going to match up with the amount of comedians who aren't here anymore and i reckon

we're going to be all right brilliant so all the cunts all the fingery cunts fingery cunts all the creepy cunts all the horrors yeah man that'd be nice if like as well some of the comics i don't like and in my head i'm like could you be susceptible to covid19 i think their own their own sexual indiscretions are going to be more dangerous to certain comedians than than a virus ever would be like oh no don't think i'm gonna get up the virus like yeah but people are gonna tweet about what you did bitch looking at comics going do you know what i don't want you to die but i just love cover to damage your lungs so much that you can't speak for 20 minutes

uninterrupted who's drinking you fucking douchebags Oh my god Look at you What's up I don't know I just It feels odd

To be doing a podcast In the same room as you again And I'm distracted by all the stuff And it's just It's a bit It's a bit much for me You have got ADD Haven't you

You definitely You have Adam Probably You have And I've got it But I think I might Like I think my 10 years on you Might have just diluted got add aren't you you definitely you have adam probably you have and i've got it but i think i might like i think my 10 years on you might have just dilute look at him spinning around might have diluted a bit of the add there's sometimes when i catch you and i'm like he's already gone

and we're in a conversation you're like oh his head's gone he's like a kid like i see an airplane jade's onto that as well now it's like when i go because she'll just be talking and if she talks for like more than 20 seconds i i'm gone so she has to keep it in small bursts so sometimes she'll talk for like a minute and a half and i missed the last minute of it and she'll be like did you hear any of that and i'm like yeah yeah you were talking about wardrobes and she's like no initially i was talking about wardrobes. And she's like, no, initially I was talking about wardrobes. I'm now on to why we need to stop feeding the dog. They shit.

Do you know she's ended the relationship four times, but you just drifted off so much. She's like, he's still here. Got to open with the end of it. So what, is she on you as in, you need to, what do we need to do? Cause she's a fixer, isn't she, Jade? What do you mean, a fixer?

She likes going, what you need to do is, this is what. Yeah, that's not Jade. That's all females, isn't it? Yeah, it's a lot of them. But then again- Females see, women see men as a project. It's like, right, he's not perfect, but give me six or seven years with him,

and I'll make him perfect. Yeah. he's not perfect but give me six or seven years with him and i'll make him perfect yeah like i accept that my missus is a psychotic pain in the ass and she's always going to be that and i don't know why she can't just accept the same about me that's why that's why meetings people later in life is so much more like there's so much less flirtation about it like listen this is me fucking not pretending telling you

if Laurie divorces me there's gonna be some very honest tinder like like match.com profiles written

I fart I like fucking NFL and shouting nonce with my mate in a studio deal with it how many dates have you had Dan not many not many actually are like fucking NFL and shouting nonce with my mate in a studio. Deal with it.

How many dates have you had, Dan? Not many, not many actually. No, but it's weird, isn't it? How when women are like that, it's almost like, not all women are like that, but it's almost like, yeah, it's just how it is. But as soon as a guy's like that,

it's gaslighting and manipulation and and even as a guy you hear it and you're like i hate it when you see when you see a boyfriend or a husband you've got anger issues undermining their misses like that and like like breaking them down you're like oh you horrible cunt yeah when you see a woman or a wife or a girlfriend do it you're like yes that's life isn't it you've got anger issues and it's on you to deal with that it's your problem you're the angry one don't know whether you need to go and see someone maybe get some anti-inflammatories or something from the doctors but you need to sort your anger out it's your problem why are you crying my emotions okay

are valid and if i'm upset it's because you've upset me. And just because you think it's an overreaction doesn't mean it's an overreaction because you're not the fucking moral high ground on what's an overreaction and what isn't. Do you think he's got legs, you and Jade? Is it definitely? Is it it definitely because you definitely love her but is it got i mean what's the what's the mileage on this engine do you reckon before it conks

there's been a few times where like we have to change the oil oh yeah there's been a few times where we've been like, that engine light has been on for a while here, hasn't it? Should we have a little look at what's going on there? There's a sound.

We've fixed that, but what's that whistling? Yeah. No, we're actually in the best place we've been for a long time. We're doing all right. Is she all right with you being here and coming out to...

I keep saying it, I'm like, I'm off to work. I think she is delighted at the thought of me not screaming about dicks and shitting on blowjobs from the room next to her while she's trying to watch a YouTube video on how to make a scarf out of

neck curtains what would you do differently if you went back to the start of the shutdown i think one of the things i'd do is is send a very good pair of headphones to jade and be like when we doing it wear these they're noise cancelling it would be the best hundred quid you'd spend yeah because because looking back that would have been a help wouldn't it would be the best 100 quid you'd spend yeah because because looking back that would have been a help wouldn't it there's some of the best moments on the podcast when she's gone what the fuck are you saying but but i think she genuinely thinks less of us for hearing our

podcast what sometimes we're like she's had to pop in to grab something in the room and she hears something i say oh you say she just looks at me like She just said you fuck rabbits. You'd fuck a rabbit if you had to. It's weird. Me fucking rabbits is paying the bills. Me shouting nonce is paying the fucking bills.

Talking about paying bills we have got our sex shop easy. Sex sex shop sponsor i'm getting some millennium loo when we sorted this i've got some i still haven't used it really i bought some on amazon didn't i the other day i was like before the advert i was like you if you like turbo shandies should have a turbo wank i can't believe i didn't see the gag that i just totally fucked it up turbo handy in it it's not i was like are you fucking moron do you know also if you buy it and you don't like it and it's all you can use it as so the last house we lived in

the door frames had been painted and they'd and they'd close you want your bank app i don't know i just went on it accidentally you're paying your gas bill mid pod this is how well the pod's doing i don't know how it works but we've done 25 minutes let's see if it's made any money the world like that dicker uh the doors had been painted and then they some fucking idiot had closed it too quickly you're going to let it dry for a day or two it was tacky so every time you open the door you could hear it laura i was like you could oil that okay something like wd-40 she was like no because then there's like that smell of wd-40 i was like what yeah it's wd-40 has got a bit of a smell on it if you ever sprayed it on your bike chain? It was half an hour, yeah.

But I was like, I'll tell you what, what basically has the same properties and doesn't smell. I fucking lube the doorway. I'm not joking. I got a brush, like a paintbrush, just a small paintbrush. I put Millennium Lube in a small bowl. I ended up having to throw the bowl away. So what do you do when you get egg and you paint it on?

You know? Baste in. Yeah, baste in. Basically, use Millennium Lube and baste it the doorway, the doorframe. I'm not joking. It fucking worked a trick. I told Laura I was going to do it. She was like, do not use lube on the doorways.

I'm telling you right now. Disgusting. You don't do it. Do not do it. I was like, right, I won't do it. Wait till she went out and fucking did it and then never told her. And she'll hear this in a couple of months when she catches up.

And she'll be like, you fucking wanker. And I'm like, do you remember the doors though? They stopped making that sound. As soon as i did it the doors were just perfect so even if you get it and you don't like turbo handies just lube up your house i'm now so glad that we didn't end up doing this podcast in the school imagine the fucking head master walking past and you're on the door going it's not soundproof it's all it's all squeaky what are you using ky jelly of course just painting the fucking wall we need to get this nail in get the dildo multitask anyway let's be naughty.co.uk we should get let's be naughty.co.uk to send us

a massive purple dildo and put it on the shelves of the backdrop i'm not joking i'd stick a dildo right behind me i want ad on it just perfectly between us in shot just a dildo just which see which way it flopped do they flop dildos no they're nice and solid aren't they so that you can really touch your fucking g-spot. All right, expert. How advanced have your Pokebum wanks got? No, but... Have you ever used, like, an implement? No. Have you?

You have, haven't you? No. I've never... I'm not a bum guy. I've used... I've put something in someone else. Oh, God, it's happening. I've just...

I've just outed myself that's gigs gone um i've i quite enjoy that if you were putting in someone else that sounds so like i just one of my ex-girlfriends was just a bit of a like yes she was like yeah yeah i'm into that did she have toys or were you just well she was around the house no she she had she we bought some toys she was like yeah yeah she agreed to everything she was quite a complicated young lady and i think she held a lot back so i didn't go you're a fucking sex psycho because looking back now everything i suggested she was like yeah and then i was like wow we've done well there but i wondered where her tap out would be it was a girl i slept with further than we got there was a girl i slept with for about a month who asked me to fuck her with a chair leg what

she asked me to grab the chair and fuck her with it no that's just not true I looked over there and seen a

fucking table Adam's so distracted by the unmade studio he's he's literally

just done a I'm gonna do banter he's just done a cat trade like gonna do banter he's just done a catchphrase like say what you say I once fucked with a half eaten cucumber with a can of Diet Coke with a paint roller

I once fucked a girl with a paint roller I seen a porn once where a woman shit out of a can of Diet Coke and that is true it just showed her arsehole and a can of Diet Coke un that is true she like it just showed her arsehole oh no and a can of diet coke unopened no come out of her arse honestly every time i see bum play to that level uh this is how i know i'm a bit older i'm like oh you're making an enemy of your future

there why it's only a can of coke if at 30 years old you are pooping out a can of Diet Coke, 60's going to be a motherfucker. No, you bum, you just do a few Kegel exercises and sorts it out. It's not like she's shitting out a Ford Fiesta. It's a fucking can. There's dildos bigger than cans of Coke. Like, why are there? Yeah, but that's not advised, is it?

I mean, look at, like, how strong do you think sphincters are? They go. You can't tighten. There's no... You can't do a fucking exercise to tighten up your... Can you? Yeah. No, you can't. Of course you can.

You can do... Tighten your bum more. You can. Of course you can. Do you want to show me? You just look... Slow. Little... little squeeze.

What, the meerkat? Just do the meerkat. Keep doing it. Yeah, just like... That's what's sad to him doing. Imagine you need a poo now. Yeah. Try and stop it coming out. Go on.

See? It's so uncomfortable, isn't it? Yeah, you just... But do you think it gets strong? Of course it does. Your bumhole's a muscle. What are you working on today legs arms

bumhole nice one see you later bumhole day don't skip bumhole day fucking injecting growth hormone into your arsehole

mate what the fuck is that he's got he can't exercise your bumhole has he got a cycling shirt are they baboon bottoms no he's just

he's made major gains on his foot sphincter he can exercise your bumhole. Has he got cycling shorts? Are they baboon bottoms? No, he's just made major gains on his foot sphincter. You can exercise your bumhole. You cannot exercise your bumhole. You can. You actually can. He's not distracted now, ladies and gentlemen. This is the most locked in he's been in half an hour of talking. I swear to God, you can squeeze your bum all to the point where it's essentially,

you've got like a hulk bum. No. You can have a muscly bum. I think if you stick too many things up there in your youth, yeah, you stretch it out. It's not like you just get someone to fucking get an Allen key and twist it. You put on a fucking bike wheel up there or something. Not a can of Coke.

Stop acting like a can of Diet Coke is nothing. It is nothing. I've had poos bigger than a Diet Coke. You never looked down and thought, how the fuck has that come out of there? Slightly chilled. Two calories. Diet Coke break.

Right. Bummel stretch. People get fisted. I know, but long term Do you not think that's going to have some implications On your long term bum hole health No What there's nothing up there

Unless it reaches your bowel you sound Right I'm not saying You're looking at me like I'm a fucking idiot I'm not saying Shove a can of coke into your fucking stomach I'm just in the bum hole No you're going to work up to a can of diet coke

Yeah Start with a fruit shoot Ideal shape Start with a fruit shoot Start with a capri sun Start with a fruit shoot Move with a capri sun start with a fruit shoot and then you move on to a luke zade

because that's long thicker but it's thinner isn't it and then eventually you go then one of them then a can of diet coke and then you get like a fucking

a tall fosters yeah and then in the end you know you're on a fucking recorder leg Paul Fosters. Yeah. And then in the end, you know.

You're on a fucking recorder leg. Should we do the sponsor? And you know, if you do want to put a can of Diet Coke up your arse, you need to get in touch with letsbenaughty.co.uk. Did you shout that so loud? That's how our new neighbours found out. Oh yeah, there's sodomizers next door. Today's episode is brought to you by Let's Be Naughty.co.uk

Even though lockdown is easing, passing the time can still be hard. So why don't you shake things up and put a bit of kink into your quarantine. If you're looking to stock up on Millennium Lube or buy your mates some chocolate dildos, letsbenaughty.co.uk is here to help you take your sex life to the next level. Based in the Northwest, we've got a massive selection of vibrators and dildos for the ladies or the boys, sexy lingerie, pock rings, masturbators and for the adventurous couples out there

there's loads of things to discover like our kinky bondage gear we've got everything you could possibly need to put a buzz back into your bedroom we deliver all over the UK so when you shop online with Let's Be Naughty you'll enjoy free delivery on orders over 50 quid

and it's sent in super discreet packaging so you don't have to worry about those nosy bastards next door. As a bonus for listeners of this podcast, if you use the code HAVAWORD, all as one word, that, that's H-A-V-E-A-W-O-R-D, you'll get 10% off your entire order. So go to letsbenaughty.co.uk and see how much fun you can have when you get a bit naughty.

That's letsbenaughty.co.uk. So you know the truck that Collins lent us? I've sent a picture of it to Carl earlier. Yeah. I was like, look what I've got. And he's just texted me, why the fuck have you got a fucking truck? I've just said I've bought it.

I just want to convince him I've got it. And I've now got the photo you took of me driving it. I think you suit it. Yeah. I think you suit it. I'm going to get i'm gonna get a big car when i like i i didn't buy a car i i need one and i've got the money saved to buy a car um but i didn't buy it because of lockdown in case everything went to shit and at the minute i just share jades but i do want to get a bigger i was was going to get like a Ford Cougar, put a few grand down, which I've got saved,

and then finance the rest of it. What's a Cougar? Oh, like an SUV style. Yeah. Like it's sort of like a small Range Rover size, isn't it? Yeah, my sister's got a Kia Sportage, like a sports wagon. Very nice. I just want to be, I want to feel like tall.

You want to be I want to feel like tall you want to be higher up yeah I want to feel like you know fucking stay to that fucking mic over there and I'll fucking squash you you little cunt

because I get some road rage me yeah so I want to feel like you don't just get road rage you get all sorts of rage you just get rage the only thing you're philosophical about

is bumhole size. You get angry out of nowhere for nothing. I get road rage. No shit. But when we're talking about arseholes, you're like a fucking well-chilled. Because I know what I'm talking about. I only get angry if someone's a dickhead

or I feel out of my depth. When it comes to stretching your bumhole, I'm your man. Yeah, nice. So should we do the let's be naughty advert again that's the no context ever word um i i think car wise i could i could definitely see you see you rocket rocking up in a pick-up. It looked right. Either that, or like a motorbike with a sidecar.

Yeah, for Jade. Or for me. I can be our tour bus. The non-sidecar. I won't. Oh, fuck, you wouldn't get a motorbike, would you?

Have you ever ridden a motorbike? No, I've ridden a few quads in me day when having a motorbike. Oh, those fucking cunts with quads. I fucking love a quad. I know,

but not when there's eight of them on the estate and they don't wear helmets and they're like, tell you what, tonight is fucking quad night. And then they're just riding around like it's Belsniff. There was a few people who got them for Christmas and that by hours, little Pee Wee 50s.

Right, what's a Pee Wee 50? It's a 50cc quad. Kids would get around my hours when they were like 15 or whatever fucking do about 50 mile an hour no helmet yeah what could possibly go wrong a fucking t-shirt shorts and flip-flops doing 50 mile an hour on a quad come wheeling past the post office little shit it's one of them in it when you're like what happened oh my god there's been an accident yeah it was a kid in flip-flops on a fucking quad bike. And you're like, hmm.

That's fucking evolution for you. I can't do motorbikes. Why? My gran just put the fear of God in me when she was a kid. She was really anti-motorbike. I can't remember if Dad had had a fall-off one or something as a kid she was like she was really anti motorbike i can't remember if dad had had a fall off one or something as a kid or they knew what one of their best friends was a nurse but she's just like from a young age put it in me the fear of motorbikes like you when you come off chances

that you're gonna be dead in a car you're safe and like i don't know what she was trying to do but it's fucking worked did the same thing to me. She went, if you had a motorbike, I guarantee you'll get really hurt. And I'll tell you why. Because there's loads of fucking knobheads around here that have motorbikes, right? And what happens is, they crash the motorbike

and they walk away, not a scratch on them, because God's a cunt. And he will fucking look after the rats. So they'll fucking wheelie into some fucking poor man he's dead or disabled for life and these just fucking get up walk on and buy another motorbike but you're a good lad and what'll happen is you'll fucking kill yourself crashing into another dickhead on a motorbike so you want to stay the fuck away god my mate at one point like for the first seven ish years of my comedy career, I didn't drive, so I used to have

to either get public transport or to other gigs, get a lift. And there was a few times where me mate who's got a motorbike, I'd ask on Facebook, I really need a lift tonight, I'll pay this on top of the petrol and whatever. And he'd message me a few times, goes, don't be a shit, I was getting on the back. I'm like, what the fuck?

I'm not driving to fucking Ashby de la Zuccia or Leicester on the back of a fucking motorbike in the rain, you daft twat. What are you talking about? It'd be fucking sound, lad. Just hold me. I wouldn't go to the fucking dominoes on the back of a bike. Not a gig four counties over.

Oh, terrifying. Terrifying. There's a few older comics who've got motorbikes and they buy like really good expensive proper motorbikes and they they go to gigs on them just don't what's the appeal of being on a fucking motorbike for two and a half hours on the motorway yeah you want to be on for 25 minutes on a stag do not two and a half hours on the m6 the only time i've been on the back of a motorbike was in like 1995 we went on holiday to like a crete in uh like one of the greek islands and my dad got a

yamaha virago which is like a cheap harley davidson style yamaha because my dad's got like he can't do sitting on beaches he's like what we do he's one of them like what are we doing like just lying down on the beach dad yeah yeah but what what's the plan just fucking lying here mate you know we've flown here to do this you know because we're from fucking west lancashire it's cold all the time and life is hard can we just come to crete and chill the fuck out maybe have a paddle in the in the sea oh i'm gonna do i'm gonna rent a fucking motorbike and i so we did we went we went all around the island on the back of a he literally had it for three days that was pretty

fucking cool um you ever done a jet ski me and jade have jet skied a few times. It's fun, you know. Terrifying. See, that, in my head, I'm like, yeah, come off. You're in the water. Like, there's less chance of it being like a fucking truck. Can be quite dangerous. The weird thing with jet skiing is

it's counterintuitive because the faster you're going, the more control you've got. What? The faster you're going on a jet ski, the more control you've got over the jet ski're going on a jet ski the more control you've got over the jet ski it's like a unicycle it's fucking weird because you you start hitting some fucking pace and you're like i need to slow down but then you slow down and as you slow down you start losing

control of it so you speed up again it's if you're not an experienced on it it's fucking weird and the first time we did it i we just got one and i have jade on the back now jade well if i'm going 32 miles an hour in a 30 jade feels like we're done fucking wacky races she's she can't handle it oh my god slow down slow down you're the dickhead 32 it's a 30 you knob either on the back of a fucking jet ski, holding on for dear life, terrifying. But then we both got our own. And then she felt like she was fucking dastardly and muttly. She's not us, she's... Right.

So, in my head, I'm like, Jade's... Oh, I don't know. I don't know how that even works. I'm such a fucking pussy. In my head, I'd be like, I'm going to be the guy that decapitates a fucking swimmer. I would be like, it's fine, it's safe. You'd be telling me, like, you go faster, that's more control.

I'd just fuck it up. So weird. It's so counterintuitive, but fucking feels... You feel like you're just, like, James Bond or something, you know what I mean? How much was it for the day? Oh, it was, like, 100 just like James Bond or something, you know what I mean? How much was it for the day? Oh, it was like 100 euros for 20 minutes or something, each.

That seems a lot. What's the one when you're on a parachute? Paragliding. Fuck that. Fuck that. My dad's done that as well. That's like being on a fucking roller coaster that hasn't got a fucking chair.

It is though, isn't it? Yeah, if that goes... Yeah, again, it's a stupid way to be disabled. As opposed to the clever ways to be disabled. How did you get disabled? I'm glad that you asked me. It was actually... I pulled an encyclopedia onto my legs

it was a particularly large encyclopedia I was actually studying for my fifth degree and that's when I broke my legs off I snapped my leg in 37 places just being very intelligent

by the way if anyone's listening expecting some features in this middle section, they're not really coming, are they? That way of saying, because we haven't prepped. We're just talking shit. I've prepped that fucking wall. I reckon everyone knows that there's no features coming when you went, you've been on a jet ski?

Would you rather go on a jet ski or a motorbike? We're back on brand. We'll do some other words. We've got some other words. Would you rather fall off a motorbike or fall off a jet ski? Jet ski? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you rather land in water or on concrete at speed yeah it's not a

good one is it it's not a good one would you rather go swimming in the water or on the m6 there's no there's no jellyfish in the m6 how is it there's no jellyfish within fucking 100 yards of a jet ski jelly Jellyfish aren't fucking stupid. Yeah, hang on. Jellyfish are just big blobby mongs, though, aren't they? There's no context, I'm aware. Jellyfish aren't... I fucking hate jellyfish. If it turns out the jellyfish are aliens,

that literally, you know, like, alien contact will be made, maybe they are aliens. You chose that like alien contact will be made. Maybe they are aliens. Who says that? Alien contact will be made. You know, like camp scientists. They're going to come down and be like, oh my God, what's she wearing? It wouldn't be surprising if jellyfish were a form of alien.

Why? Because they look a bit weird. Yeah. Yeah. Is there not other stuff that looks more weird to you have you ever seen a fucking seahorse

yeah seahorses are weird but they look like horses and horses are normal what do jellyfish look like like plastic bags I've just horses over plastic bags what are we on about

if we went on an all day together let's say we do fucking have a weird me orca yeah right

and you got jellyfish sung would you want me to piss on you with your massive bum at all no not with me why would I piss on you

you know you know you know cure a jellyfish thing with diarrhoea how I mean does it definitely work yeah apparently yeah

because I'm friends yeah how how much how much do you know what I mean because i really think if you so you get a jellyfish thing and it's like fucking on the pain scale you get a jellyfish thing and say like 10 is torture and one is like nettle say it's like seven and you were like listen lad if i piss on this now fresh batch just had a

capri sun popped it out my ass then drank it now i'm bursting for a wee it'll take down to two maybe even one i'd be like seven to one yeah but if it's like fucking 4 to 3 I'd rather just get some Savlon than have you piss on my leg on a beach and you just end up with the same amount of pain but covered in my piss time for a hair of a piss

with Adam and Dan with you just going it's alright I know him we do podcasts together dick out on the beach. Do you not scare the jellyfish? No. I don't come into contact with them often enough to be scared of them. Fucking hell.

Like, I'm scared of them in the same way I'm scared of an asteroid or a shark. It's just unlikely that I'm going to have a problem in it. I just think they're fucking freaky. Yeah, but... I'm not talking about when you walk to fucking co-op. in it i just just think they're very freaking freaky yeah but it's not i mean i'm talking about in the i'm not talking about when you walk to co-op okay that wasn't like a day-to-day question you're not scared of jellyfish no there's none on our seat they are we move them out jellyfish lives matter Fucking jellyfish lives matter.

He said, I twat a fucking octopus that one. Have you got any phobias? The sea. The sea? Just in general? I can't swim. I really struggle to swim in the sea. I have to be able to put my feet down.

Because that's where fucking Sharks live It's not even You're from Preston The great whites of Preston Harbour Yeah but But I don't When I'm talking about

These fears When I'm talking I don't mean like that's where sharks live fucking I don't mean I'm not coming in fucking could be sharks anyway

I'm not but the thing is like you know when you're like what are your phobias you could be you could have a phobia about being like like raped by a man couldn't you i mean you'd be fine because you know you've got that just expandable sphincter like whoop can't feel a thing off he goes back to normal i'm not talking about day to day. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm not going Nando's like... Do you want to... What spice do you want it?

Never mind that. It's fucking ammareds are a nightmare. Beady eyed swats. I'm just talking about in the sea. That's a bit of a phobia for me I can't swim in the sea have you got any fears that affect your day to day

or like have you got any fears that affect your day to day or your weekly life is there anything that regularly you get a bit spooked by just watching Etta wander around her stupid fucking life. Oh, there's a chainsaw. I'll go towards that.

There's a road there. It's like she times it. No, but I don't mean, I mean like that you're scared of, not like your daughter getting harmed. I think that's just parental instincts, isn't it? Tell you what, it started to happen to me since I moved out of a city. It's been a few years since I've lived in a city. I've become aware of some of the walks from gig to car on a Saturday night,

11 o'clock in the dark. You're like, like if like you got mugged and beaten up and the story was like comedians would be like oh god yeah bad luck that in it where was it oh it was just near the froggy park around the back it's 10 past 11 most comics are there like bloody awful but most other people would be like what the fuck were you doing there at 10 past 11 on a saturday night like most people who don't live in a city like liverpool or manchester yeah well of course there's like that threat of violence because it's one of the biggest cities in the country it's fucking hard but i i've caught myself going i'm

not i'm a bit jittery about that sort of shit i i get what you're saying there i do sometimes just take a glass bottle with me from the gig yeah yeah just like a fucking what a tenant I'm recycling no just fucking

stash it stash it and then do what well if someone tries to mug me what are you going to do just twat him in the baby sham

no like a bottle of peroni you're going to stick it up your arse and be like that'll come straight out, lad. Don't fucking dare start on me. Look at the sphincter control. If someone comes up to mug you,

and you've got a bottle of Peroni, and you're like, leave me alone. And then you pop it out like a fucking... You literally do a fucking... Like you're getting a smear test. No, no, I'm being serious. Right, okay, yeah. So someone comes at you,

and you just whip a bottle of Peroni out, and you're like, lad, if you if you fuck off i have a free beer i'd have a fucking you got a bottle opener cheers kid don't hurt me i'll just wrap around his head right yeah yeah well i mean why just a bottle because you because if the police catch you with the bottles you could be like i just wanted a beer because in my head i'm like why not just like if a policeman catches you and he's like what why have you got a bottle for the fucking drive home in it yeah a little car beer is this are you taking the piss or is genuinely do you do this yeah like if i'm in a dodgy bit of the world like fucking preston or Nottingham yeah yeah now you've lost weight as well you're more fuckable

so there's also I'm not worried about that no I'm just like someone might see me get fucking 150 quid cash for a gig yeah and then I need a fucking corona to wrap around the fucking

I ideally won't use it, but... Without wanting to do material that I've done on stage before and that I actually do still quite like, so it might get done again. One of my biggest fears as a 5'8 wimp is getting started on by a minor and having to weigh up the, like, I'm about to get twatted by a child because i'm not i just

twat him i'm a 14 year old who's been like i'd fucking drop him yeah yeah yeah it's quick gone he's never been punched by someone like me has he no so what if there's more of them oh you're just gonna keep going yeah i'll just go beast mode i thought of a line for this i was like mate if you get started on by 15 year olds even if there's one of them at the start and it kicks off he's just gonna have to fucking tick tock his mate or do whatever the youth do they all live around the corner don't they he can have a crew youth do they all live around the corner don't they he can have a crew around him i'd say maximum two and a half minutes he's got fucking five lids to back him up uh if i start ringing my best friend one is teaching in china one's got two kids in fucking sutton caulfield do you know what i mean

my crew's fucking useless yeah call me i'll whip around bring a few fucking Budweiser's and we'll go to fucking town just give them to the lads you can't get served yeah but did your dad never teach you like you just hit the fucking mouthy one and the rest run away yeah that yeah that sounds like it sounds like

you know but you're basically just pissing off the hardest one aren't you know but you're basically just pissing off the hardest one aren't you yeah but if you knock them out oh my god your confidence is unbelievable gone bang out cold the rest are like what he's just fucking knocked out jimbo 5 15 jimbo jimbo has he been held back He's fucking 33 Talking about that uncle Jimbo That's one of my other worries Because I think adults have got more to lose

I just think teenage lads are fucking wild Yeah they're cunts aren't they But you spark them Yeah Have you ever punched anyone Yeah yeah they're cunts aren't they but just sparking yeah yeah have you ever punched anyone yeah

have you ever knocked someone out yeah right me and my mate used to fight all the time growing up and you knocked him out

yeah I reckon we had I'd say how many KOs I reckon we must have had at least 20 fights proper fights I reckon I won about 15 of them and I reckon 6 must have had at least 20 fights proper fights

I reckon I won about 15 of them and I reckon 6-7 of them were knockouts he was unconscious yeah not for long and then you'd open back up you shake hands and you carry on playing yeah one time he had a concussion

right the rest of the time it's just Yeah that's settled I won you lost in a bit I did drama group So you pretended To get punched Someone's forgotten their lines I've been started on by five assailants

One two three four jazz hands Just shimmy away Yeah I've been started on by five assailants. One, two, three, four jazz hands. Just shimmy away. Yeah. Have you never knocked anyone else? No. I just... Did I tell you the story about punching my mate Sean when we were working?

It was 1997. Worked at my best mate's dad's warehouse. And Bondi, my best mate just literally I think he said three words for about four weeks he just goes into this like catatonic state just did the work and didn't talk to us and me and Sean just wound each other up

and we were really winding each other up and he threw a box at me and I called it, his nickname at school was Rat Ratty and he hated it Is that because he looks like a rat? It was one of them where someone said it I called it, his nickname at school was Rat, Ratty, and he hated it. Is that because he looks like a rat? I'd, fuck knows, it started, it was one of them where someone said it, and he went, never call me Ratty!

And then the whole school was like, well, that's how you press that fucker's button. So I called him, and he was a virgin, and I wasn't. I called him a... A Ratty version. I called him a no-shag Ratty bastard. Oh my God. And he did. Such a school nickname, that is bastard oh my god and he did such a school nickname that

is no because i was because he threw a fucking box at me i was like you no shag ratty bastard and he he was he was on the back of a truck unloading pallet like the boxes and he did a fucking flying jump and still did no damage we scrapped for about two minutes in my head i was like throwing fucking haymakers and then all the lads in the warehouse were like and then they were like break it up break it up and then they looked at us and we hadn't got a scratch on each other and they were like go on go again go again do a bit more damage i haven't that's the last time i threw a punch in anger. When's the last time you punched someone?

Probably the fight I opened up. Tuesday? Boxing match in 2017? 2016? 2016. The charity boxing match. Yeah. I nearly sparked him. Kai Humphries was like,

do you want to fight Danny Mac? I was like, no. Danny Mac wouldn't have done that. No, but imagine if he'd said yes and then i have to say yes and then there's two ways that goes with danny mark either he knocks you out because he's quite sporty and he's got a bit of fucking meat on him so that could end badly i've got fractured skull from danny mark or you land a fucking great punch and you knock him out and he doesn't talk to you for seven years.

I mean, it's not good, is it? With someone who's just like potentially hard and moody. That's not a good fucking... Yeah, you want that to go to a decision where you've both landed two soft punches. Mate, he'd pull it. On the day. Oh, I've got a double in Brighton.

Oh no, I've double bought myself for another boxing match yeah ah fuck my agent's fucked it up have we done

an hour of podcasting which is absolute nonsense as well had a great time tell us the story of the charity boxing tell us that story look we don't need to do anything else.

We've got fucking painting to do. We've managed to do a podcast. Do you want to put the adverts in here then? The second one? Yeah. And then... Okay. You know them, you love them.

It's Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London. If you're visiting London, if you're going down for the weekend, take your missus, take your fella, take them to go and see comedy. There's some cracking comedy shows in London. Some of them, and I've played them, are a little lacking in fucking soul. Vauxhall Comedy Club. This is a comedy club done with love and care and done properly.

In a great room with great atmosphere with brilliant comics, some from the TV, some up-and-coming circuit talent. And the absolute best of it, if you're there for the weekend, is Friday and Saturday night, and down at Vauxhall Comedy Club, they call it Bottomless Booze Comedy. So basically, you pay them an entry fee, with the money for your booze included. It's 25 quid, it's a 90-minute show, and you also get bottomless booze, wine, beer, cider, 25 quid. There's also a spirit and mix of bottomless ticket, that starts at £35, and if you're a purist, you're staying sober, you're fucking ziving, the ticket's just a ten tenner once we're done with the rona and back to

normal trading voxel comedy club is usually open monday to saturday it's right next to a street food garden and between now and then do us a favor have a word and follow the voxel comedy club online you can join the mailing list it's at voxel comedy club on insta at voxel comedy on twitter and voxel comedy club on facebook it's anxel comedy on twitter and voxel comedy club on facebook it's an over 18 night out and you never know come the autumn you might see me and adam there from texas to skim every lead is listening to the funniest podcast in the game this is yeah the charity boxing quickly as a wrap-up. There was a kid in the northeast of England who was dying

of a rare form of cancer. There's no delicate way to put that. And the only way he could get treatment was to go to America. It was going to cost him about half a million quid. And there's a comedy club up there run by comedian Kai Humphries and his brother Gav. I'm sure I've mentioned this on the podcast before. I don't know how much detail we went into.

And they put on this big fucking event. So they were doing fundraisers all the time, but they've done a big one, and it raised about 30 grand on the night, and it was 20 comedians, 10 fights, and, like, the atmosphere in there was the most incredible thing i've ever experienced when i come off come off when i come out of the ring it was like the best gig i've ever had was about five percent of the feeling i had that night so how long notice did you tell because there's things i think we've mentioned it before but i don't think I think we sort of talked about the night and how amazing it was but I'm sort of fascinated because Elliot Steele's

done kickboxing hasn't he? Since Right Oh right so he'd not done it before He did a lot of training that he wasn't telling me

about beforehand So how so you had six months and did you train did you get some I just lost two and a half stone I just ran

I didn't do any boxing training I did one pad session with Paul Smith Comedian Paul Smith Elliot Steele was training with Duke McKenzie The three weight world champion But he didn't tell me that He told me he wasn't training And the day before

Our fight was the first one to go the distance Because every other fight so the first fight the atmosphere was like a comedy night and the first fight was Phil Nichol

against Tom Horton and Tom knocked Phil not like unconscious but knocked him out TKO and it changed the atmosphere to a boxing event from a comedy event

because everyone's like oh my god they're not gonna dick around they're actually trying to yeah um tom horton's picture was on facebook a few days after it and he looked like he'd been boxing for 20 years yeah and then the second fight Bobby May and Carl Donnelly. Right, well, that doesn't count. No, but Carl knocked Bobby down. Fucking hell. So, and then Bobby was like,

I've fucking turned up for the fight. That'll do. And I think the third fight was Matt Reed and Barry Dodds. And Matt knocked Barry down and Barry went, I've turned up. I got knocked down. I'll take that. Well, but the doctors had to see Barry went, I've turned up, I got knocked down, I'll take that. Well, but the doctors had to see Barry afterwards, didn't they?

Because they were worried about his heart rate. He was... Barry's an intense guy and he's a thinker. I mean, he did it in a gold... No, was it like a pink onesie or something? Yeah, yeah. He basically sold what he would wear in the ring for sponsorship money.

Like a leotard. I'll wear whatever, and it was a leotard, I think. But the doctors were like, mate, you need to sit down. They didn't let him just be like, oh, yeah, you've done. They actually had a look at him. He said it was quite like he knew he wasn't right, the adrenaline or whatever. From a concussion

i think he'd got himself so wound up that he was like yeah i i can imagine that how were you before in the build-up the excitement um were you worried no not at all and then i seen elliot and i was like he's trained like fuck he it looked like he'd grew a foot, since I'd seen him, because I hadn't seen him for like two years, and the last time I'd seen him, he was 18, and he's now 20,

which is a, that's a couple of years growth, and he'd put weight on, especially on his arms and stuff, but I was like, I've been in fights before, more dangerous situations, it'll be fine,

and then, I'm too competitive. Right. So he knocked me down in the first round, and I stood fucking straight back up, not like, and I stood back up and the ref, who refs every fight that night,

come over, and he's like, are you done? And I went, fucking get out the way. And he went, tell me where you are. And I went, Blythe, Newcastle. Which one do you want? We're near Newcastle, we're in Blythe.

And he went, okay, carry on. And I could have punched Elliot in the back of the head, because he was celebrating in his corner. And I remember Milo McCabe was in his corner, because he was celebrating in his corner. And I remember Milo McCabe was in his corner, and so was Tom Horton. And Milo's face dropped a bit. Because they thought

he'd won, because every other fight before us, as soon as one went down, Milo just pointed behind Elliot at me. And Elliot turned around, and he shit himself a bit. And then the second half of that first round, I landed a few punches so even though i got knocked down they they marked as a 10-9 to him

the second round i got as a 10-9 he slipped after a punch of mine so it wasn't a knockdown but but I convincingly won the second round, including an uppercut, that really caught him, but, and there's a photo, I'll dig it out, of my arm,

and the day after, I looked at my arm, I'd burst all the blood vessels, in my right bicep, with that uppercut, and I nearly took his fucking head off with it, and in the third round, I couldn't lift my right bicep with that uppercut and i nearly took his fucking head off with it and in the third round i couldn't lift my right arm past my waist so i was defending and attacking with my left jab my right arm was down by my side but i wasn't going to give up i thought i'd rather

knock me out than give up so the third, and there's a tape of it somewhere, we're essentially just high-fiving. But in my head, I'm like, why is he not trying to kill me? I can't move my arm. So it goes, in the last, like, 20 seconds, he threw a few punches because, like, it was sort of like the energy in the room went up and it was like, right, this is the last bit. And he landed, like, two or three on me, mean they were only soft because he had no energy left but it was enough for him to be given that round right so i think one judge called it a draw and

two gave it to him to one in round but you've had it's been been a close fought thing and a proper effort and afterwards i went to him why didn't you just twat me in the third round I couldn't move my right arm and he said you were so close to knocking me out with that uppercut I thought for the whole

third round you were just preparing another one yeah because your fist was down there he thought he thought I had my arm

down here for when he come in I could just go fuck off. It was just that I couldn't move it. He literally disabled that. Yeah.

And then we just went out and got hammered. My intention, because I didn't drink for like three months before the fight, was to, regardless of the result, as soon as the final bell went, climb through the ropes and go straight to the bar, take my gloves off and get two pints of lager. Right. And down. my head that's what i was gonna do i didn't calm down i couldn't have anything to drink apart from water for about an hour my heart was still racing for like an hour it was the best thing i've ever been a part so that rate racing heart is what that the doctors were like no one checked me. Amazing.

That's just not, I just couldn't have done it. It's just not, but the story of it, and it's not happened since, has it? It's not been replicated. No,

we've talked about it, but. We've spoke about it a few times. There's still a Facebook group chat, which every year on the anniversary, when we get tagged in the Facebook memories and that, we all have a little chat. And there was loads more comics involved that I haven't mentioned and we've spoke about it but we'd only do it again or they'd only do it again if there was a real real reason to do it right

because otherwise the first one becomes less special the second one certainly becomes not special at all you're gonna it's gonna be less money and it's gonna lose something in it wow good story mate that um that's not been a normal one but just look around look around look around at how fucked this room is right now we're not gonna put any pictures up just yet we're gonna wait till we're uh flopping out our podcast big dick oh yes but thank you for listening to this i think this is episode 70 what a nice little bit of yeah absolutely something special for the under is it 60 yeah no it's 70 in it so 70 is the one that when people are like when should i listen from probably from when we're back in the studio. So every episode from now on,

we're going to be in the same room. So I think it's worth saying, thank you so much to everyone who stuck with us through this fucking weird Zoom remote period. Yeah. We know some of the episodes have been amazing. Some of them, I think were probably better than the ones we did before because we got better at podcasting.

But we've always said we'd be honest in this podcast. And there's been a couple where we've gone... I don't think there's been any that's been shit. But there's been a couple where we're like... Not in the right headspace. Yeah. Suffering the repetition and the shutdown. We're very, very grateful for all the support we've had so far.

As of next week or the week after, the full episodes will be going on YouTube. Do us a favor, go and subscribe to youtube.com slash have a word pod. We've got a few hundred subscribers at the minute. We need to be getting into the thousands. We're going to start putting the full episodes on there.

We think that's going to mean we reach more listeners. Once we reach more listeners, the pod will start making a bit more money. We can start getting bigger and bigger guests into the studio. Literally everyone you've asked for so far, we're going to contact them. We're going to try and get the biggest names

in world comedy and in other fields into this place. We feel like we're going to be in a good position to be able to go look we've got something that other people haven't got here and come and hang out with us and have a laugh uh but yeah the the youtube is gonna is gonna really take us up to the next level so if you're not already subscribed over there we've only got a few hundred subscribers but we've got like nearly 4 000 listeners get over there get subscribed uh please do that asap i'll stick a song at the end yeah i don't know which one it'll probably be one of the raptor warhurst ones we've got a few of those and we like

them don't we yeah lasher raptor song gone um are you gonna have time to do the patreon list today or should we just do that Friday? Or Monday? What day is today? It's Friday. Oh, so we don't need to do it today? I'm fucked. Shall we decorate? Yeah, let's go and paint the wall.

Mate, back in the studio, talking nonsense. I wouldn't say bye, Felicia, but I ain't fucking going anywhere. Get the brushes out there. Don't stick them up your ass. Dirty bastard. Welcome to Sashley. Hello, welcome to my home. Let me introduce you to my bro This is Bobby Wax and Ritz

And they live just down the road And we're always getting sesh though And you wonder why my head's full No sure what this fuck is Glenn's love We drinking from a sports direct smoke The king of seshly and behold is glenslaw we drinking from a sports direct smoke the king of sashley and behold check out my crown look at my robe the town of rockin sets and trips to take you to another zone

room spinning with an edge washoons kicking in and then some There's only one place that will end up We're off to Sashley and to Gepa Grab your shades, buy the case, I'm booked to fly Back again, happy days, I'm looking fly Dance away, happy face, I'm loving life At this rate, I'ma stay another night So grab your shades, buy the case, I'm loving life Hide this way, I'ma stay another night So grab your shades, buy the case, I'm booked to fly Back again, happy days, I'm looking fly Dance away, happy face, I'm loving life Hide this way, I'ma stay another night

So, goodbye, sorry, I'ma go Tell my mother that your son ain't coming home Tell her I'm with Rex and Ritz I'm the postcards in the post Three days and we ain't slept once And you wonder why my head's cold We ain't leaving till we spend up And I know just the place to get drunk

The king of Sashley and B. Ho Check out my crown, look at my robe Now who has got the legs of sniff? I demand you share your coke Now he's giving me an address Powers kicking in and then some Fuck knows where we'll end up Somewhere at Rhythm, Bobby Rex drunk

So grab your shades, buy the case, I'm booked to fly Back again, happy days, I'm looking fly Dance away, happy face, I'm loving life At this rate, I'ma fly dance away happy face I'm loving life at this rate I must stay another night so grab your shades by the case and book the flights back again happy days I'm looking fly dance away happy face I'm loving life at this rate I must stay another night