Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #72 - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 10, 2020

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Are they dead lads? What the fuck are you saying? Oh, well I have an apology to make to all the, like, ardently committed Worders Originals. I feel like you've been tre- wrong this week, Fimej, I'm saying. But listen, you're still close to my heart, you're still my, like, you're still my listener bees. You're still close to my heart You're still my listener bees So As we have banged on about Like big, flappy

Sand filled vaginas We have been Sorting out the studio Got the keys on Thursday Went to Ikea on Friday Then we were painting shit on Saturday and on Sunday and Monday and Tuesday And fucking Wednesday and Thursday

And fucking Friday We are chilly tomorrow and Sunday And we have slightly delayed the big PR thing You are the only ones that know about it Bar a few of our close mates And Adam and I have kept all of it close to our chest. Because we want to be like, pa, how'd you like me now? What the fuck were you doing in lockdown, man?

And I suppose that we're going to get a bit of like, well, is this completely necessary? It's just a podcast. But yeah, because we've got people who support it. We've got a couple of sponsors. And this seems like a sensible thing to do. Instead of sitting on it going, well, it's ticking over. We're trying to crack on and create. And in doing so, we've been away from the fucking internet.

Because the office that is being renovated into a studio doesn't have the internet yet. So we're recording in a building site, as we, again, we've banged on about, but then I am having to go home and upload it quick as you like. However, dear listeners, this evening I left the studio and headed up the M6, that is one of the two northern motorways, if you do not know the area, up into the hills of my home county, Lancashire, to do a drive-in comedy gig for Freddie Quinn. Who the fuck is that guy? He's the guy that books fields he's one of the honestly i'll say this to everyone he is one of the leading field bookers um and there was about 40 cars there two couples sat out of their cars they were uh 50 60 meters from the stage it was windy the sun was setting in their eyes. The breeze was blowing towards them.

So even if they laughed, I couldn't hear it. And that's how strong a self-defense mechanism I have as a comedian. I'm like, yeah, I couldn't see anyone laughing, but I'm assuming they were. But the breeze was actually quite strong going in the wrong direction. So honestly, on the other side of the hill, in that field, I mean, I fucking ripped it, just the other side of the hill. It was a weird one, but I haven't been able to get any internet, because I don't know if you know, northeast Lancashire,

I think we might have even been in Yorkshire, fuck knows. In that weird Gaza Strip bit between the two counties that only people from those two counties give a flying fuck about. It's not North and South Korea. It's just some northern bellwifts in fields. There was no internet. There was no internet at the KFC where I thought I'd get internet. I have not been able to upload the episode.

So I'm going to add this driving apology. And I'm going to stick it on the start of the podcast. The podcast itself is world record short. So actually, this is much needed fluff. However, and I'm not just saying this, I fucking laughed today. It was such a funny one. Just funny. Whenever you can talk about underpants and choristers,

I really think you're in a strong position As a modern comedy podcast And if anyone's thinking Is this how it's going to be going forward Is it all going to be like Shortened and late No, we're just in the trenches With this at the moment

It's been a really Full on Couple of days the trenches with this at the moment it's been a really full-on couple of days Adam's dad who is like 60 odd has been incredible and has been working till he feels too tired which is the weirdest thing to watch happen because he's the only one that knows how to decorate proper i mean i can decorate but it's very short-tempered add toddler sort of like ah is it not finished i've been doing it for 11 minutes i'll just start twatting paint onto this wall he's doing such a good job but it's knackering him out so it's the weirdest thing to be like uh so much of me wants to be like, here you are, Mick, I'll do that. Except we're going,

yeah, keep going though. Do you need a coffee? Do you want a beer? Drink? Do you want a drink? We, we're now basically, we've broken the back of it

and it's hopefully going to be ready by Wednesday. So Monday's episode, Monday's episode, that's for everybody. That's going to be up at a normal time

and Wednesday's Patreon episode will be fully recorded properly done in the new studio with all the right setup

and from here on in I promise there's going to be no more fuck you know know, fuck foolery. What do I mean? Tomfoolery. Why did I say fuck? Fuckfoolery. I think you know what I mean. Oh, what a monologue, eh? Can't talk for England. This is the lack of laughter that I can hear in just talking this bullshit is more comforting than the lack of laughter when you're in a breezy field with 40 cars looking at you.

And squinting into the sun looks like a sort of, it looks like the judgment of people going, do you, police just went past. Oh, police, I just had to drop the phone. Could you imagine if I got six points? Excuse me, sir. Can you wind down your window, please? Were you on the phone? No, actually, officer, I was recording an apology intro to my comedy podcast. I don't know if you've listened to Have A Word. No, sir. No. No, we fucking haven't.

Well, it's a Have A Word pod, and we also do a Patreon episode on a Wednesday. Okay, I'll take the points. Thank you. I've actually... I've got points on my... I've got three points on my licence. And I got them driving to see my wife's family,

and I don't think I've ever resented driving points driving penalty more I was like these aren't even good points so honestly next week is going to be tight the ship will be tightened

there'll be no more in transit apologies it's going to be good And Today we put the vinyl sticker up The logo Got put up on the wall And I got

A bit of a dick tingle It gave me a little dick tingle And I don't, you know, I know it's not a real thing And we're not going to get emotional about a sticker Going on a wall, but if you've worked hard enough on something, you're like, ah, a sticker. Oh, God. So, have a great weekend, everyone.

If you're listening to this late Friday as it goes out, have a turbo shandy on me in my honour as I drive home from a fucking field feeling like I should have listened to Adam who called it as a bullshit gig right from the off. He is young, hairy and wise and annoyingly nearly as unfat as me. Enjoy the sepithode. Nice one, Luke. Thanks so much for downloading the podcast. If you would like to support the pod financially, we're on Patreon.

It's patreon.com slash haveawordpod. If you sign up, you can get potential discounts on merch, future live shows, post-rona, but the big one is you'll get the Wednesday full episode, which is exclusive on Patreon. So Monday, that's for everybody. Friday, that's for every motherfucker as well. But Wednesday is just for Patreons. Sign up at patreon.com

slash have a word pod. Appreciate ya. Today's episode is brought to you by Let's Be Naughty, Darkhoda UK. Even though lockdown is easing, passing the time can still be hard. So why don't you shake things up and put a bit of kink into your quarantine? If you're looking to stock up on Millennium Lube or buy your mates some chocolate dildos,

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Ja! They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Don't be a Tory. Down your turbo shandy and tell a friend. This is Have a Word. it's time to shag your mind with adam and dame hey hey come on what Is that the kind of humour that this podcast is based around? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it is.

Hey, hey, that's a... Oh, no, no, that's been the bedrock of what we've done. Yes, it's what we've built it on. It's really the foundation of the... Nonsense! Speaking of building, we have been busy. Fucking hell. Laura's like,

look, this is basically the feel of every conversation with my wife this week. Are you going to be in the studio again? Yeah. What time do you think

you'll get back? About nine. About nine. About nine. With takeaway. See, Jade has been really good because she's not arsed. She's quite happy to not see me for hours on end.

But I'll tell you what's been really good. For the first time in my relationship, I've had some sympathy. We've had nearly four fucking years and she's always had like she knows she's lucky because you know when we're allowed to gig i don't earn a fortune but i earn a decent living and it means that she doesn't have to work as much as the average person and i saw most of the pay for she and she knows that that up, but she's always had a little sneer at like, you do fuck all for the money.

You get on stage for 20 cutting minutes and someone puts 200 beans in your pocket and I can see it in her eyes. Like when I go to pay for something, she's like, yeah, but that's 25 quid. That took you an eighth. That took you two and a half minutes to earn that 25 quid. I'd have to work three hours for that i i know that she's got that and because we've been here seven eight nine ten hours a day

every day for a week i'm on the way i'm ringing and she's like do you want any food putting in shall i run the bath do you want me to just take the dog for a walk today because you could do it last night she stroked me hair as i fell asleep oh fuck i'm genuinely considering just jacking the comedy and then start like designing and decking out podcast studios all over the fucking country just to get a bit more sympathy and love at home i felt wanted might be waiting a while for that second gig though there's no one else is doing this shit that's so nice that's a good sign you know i think you can judge a lot about a relationship in times of need or peril or you know you know like eggy relationships like my sister and her husband are fucking snappy they are chippy and they give each other shit you can sit there sometimes going

guys this feels fucking unnecessarily aggro and they are a great couple they love each other to bits they're totally committed they've got they've got children they've got a house but on the face of it some people are like oh god it's not is it a good relationship it's a great relationship because when shit hits the fan they're totally there for each other the relationships that are the fucking nightmare are the ones like we're so in love we're just so in love like uh you know my nan's had a fault i don't give a fuck darren i wanna watch fucking downton abby i've rented it why are all your cunts scousers wow i just it's because i've been hanging out with you

and your dad for a week but you know I think that in those moments when shit's hitting the fan or you're tired or just you're having a hard one

if you've got a partner who's like I couldn't give a shit about that what about me that is a nightmare run a mile Jade and my relationship

you need a hair stroker when you're tired is really good and like we've both, I've mentioned on the podcast before, I suffered a bit with health anxiety and anxiety in general. And Jade won't mind me saying

that she suffers badly with depression at times. And it took me a while to get used to being in a relationship with someone who suffers with that because I'd never experienced it before. But now if I see, there's certain signs that I know she's having a depressive phase or a bad time and i can be a good boyfriend and be nice to her and she knows when i'm working hard and when i'm anxious and she knows how to do that with me there's only a problem when we both

have a shit time at the same time or when one of us like when one of when we're both being nice to each other it's great but when one of us is a dickhead i was a line we're very reactive people so if like we're being all nice nice in and on my heart jade you fucking left this there she will immediately and we can go from i love you let's take a selfie and put it on instagram and book cancun right now we can go from that to hair packing the car i'm going back to me mom's over like a fucking tea bag on the floor right yeah but that's just because you're fiery in it gods were passionate for each other and all of them having said that though how long have you got are you always going to be fiery is that just you and whoever you're with or are you a fiery combo because i because the fiery ones like there's loads of fire relationships but is it is there like a burnout point where you're like there's no there's no gunpowder there

i'm pissed off but i can't be bothered fine with you i just want to go out with someone placid bitch i think that we're similar in the way that neither of us will put up with unnecessary bullshit. So if she's being a twat for no reason, I can't handle it

and I react to her being a twat because it's selfish. Yeah. And vice versa though but then she takes that as an attack. If she's being a dickhead

and I go, you're being a dickhead, then I might as well have fucking shagged them out in front of her while fingering her nan and flicking her sister's nipples

do you know what I mean lovely imagery lovely imagery I wonder why she gets annoyed with you Jesus Christ I'm fucking glad my dad didn't scissor

my dad's here scissor in. My dad's here helping us put shelves up and stuff. Like, we've done a lot this week, but we had a bit of help with the boxing in, didn't we? And my dad's done a lot of the wallpaper and stuff, and he's still here helping us today, getting it finished for tomorrow. And we've got a little photographer coming to take some pictures for us.

And yesterday you were like, your dad should just sit in, be our first viewer. And I was like, I know my dad and I love him and he's great, but he wouldn't have fucking shut up for the hour.

If he was sat in here now, he'd be like, Adam, tell Dan about the time you pissed yourself at school, lads. Go ahead. That'd be funny.

Your listeners are like that one. Hey, by the way, everyone listening is going, well, that'd be good though. That's not a real story. Oh, right. I thought you actually pitched that you'd just be making

shit up I pooped is your mic alright you're in very movie mood I think what it is you're literally if you can hear a sound on the mics

it's because Adam's like it's because I've been up since very early and I haven't had coffee for a while and I'm getting a fidgety okay

I'm like restless look at me leg oh god I'm like a smackhead I poo Okay. I'm like restless. Look at me leg. Oh God. I'm like a smack head. I pooed my pants on the way back from choir practice once. Can we just break that sentence down a bit, please? Because there's several revelations in that sentence that no one fucker was ready for.

Well, I just thought you pissed yourself at school. was gonna build a bridge but apparently shit myself on the way back from choir practice so you here's what we've just found out about you in six words you shit yourself as a child yeah you were in a choir to the point you had practice for it I was in several choirs I was in two choirs three choirs at once at one point no I was in the chamber choir, the school choir and the church choir because I love

pussy, I love getting pussy and I know how to get the pussy and you love being pussy for priests oh no we were C of E they're less rapey in C of E oh yeah yeah yeah

oh yeah the Catholics that church oh they're definitely the most noncy church I mean I'm not saying C of E's

not put up some stats but I don't in the league table of nonces like oh the Catholics

are like fucking Catholics and seagulls it like celtic when rangers had been relegated it was like that four or five years and i'm sure there's a lot of glaswegians not enjoying that point of reference i love that uh old kevin bridge's joke about that when rangers got relegated it's like english people go we thought the uh sc that Scottish football was always a two horse race and he's like I'm it and we lost the horse yeah it's a

classic misunderstanding of how real rivalry works you know there's two teams in Glasgow and you dominate Scottish football I would expect you'd like a bloody fair fight right from the start of the season and bloody best man wins you're like no i just know how it fucking goes i want those bastards

fucking relegated for five fucking years it's uh it's just not how it goes up there like celtic just basically turned up for three seasons like right we've got eight players that can be fucking bothered we've got the tea lady and uh she's brought a cat he's she's playing left back the cats and they still won every league they were in they got promoted three years in a row the real shot no they just kept winning they kept winning the fucking title while rangers were like and another promotion another promotion um yeah uh so i was in a choir i was in the school choir i was in the chamber choir i was in the school choir little school started with church choir that's when we we live around the corner from saint mary's in the bit of preston that i was from and my mom was like you've got a lovely voice she was real bully with

like things to do my mom like we would me and my mum was like you've got a lovely voice she was real bully with like things to do my mum like we would me and my sister were talking about this recently she she wasn't like like an arsehole ever we've got such happy memories of my mum but she just wouldn't let you just have a fucking night off right it's tuesday night it's cubs it's wednesday night it's air cadets thursday night's judo and i'll tell you something about me adam i didn't enjoy fucking cubs air cadets or it's Cubs it's Wednesday night it's Air Cadets Thursday night it's Judo and I'll tell you something about me Adam I didn't enjoy

fucking Cubs Air Cadets or Judo Judo is that making bagels hang on which one am I going to go I said me

nasty bitch I'm making dewy dough Jesus Christ bagels fuck you though that's one of Adam's joke From the 2012 Olympics Thanks I don't know if anyone's noticed the Olympics

Have been on Thank you My mum wasn't like that at all My mum was just I'd come home from school I'd throw my bag in And she'd be like, get fucking changed before you play footy

in the fucking street because if you get one minute fucking date on that shit, you're still fucking wearing it tomorrow. Yeah. That's how normal childhoods are, aren't they?

Yeah. Apart from if you live in a fucking semi-posh bit of Preston and you've got no one playing out. So it's just, I used to play football on my own in the garden. I have...

Mate, I honestly... I used to... I used to... Honestly, I was alone. I was pretty lonely as a child. I had a really good imagination. I abused myself at church.

That's how creative I was. I'd imagine imaginary friend Called Vicar Bingo Bingo How lonely was he? He was really lonely. His imaginary friend was a fucking... Sex offender. Where did he touch me?

Here. Here. And on this hovercraft. Daniel, we're not sure these allegations are going stick oh funny funny yeah so we did all of these fucking activities the one that finally stuck when i was about 14 she went right well if you don't want to do air cadets you've got to do something so you're gonna go to a drama group and i just did the same thing i've been doing for years like oh fucking drama group got there and there's a load of this is you know 14 i'd clicked into well into like being like ladies uh no i was about 13

and there was older 15 16 year old girls who were all confident whatnot drama group was the start of what ended up with me here because it became theater studies did a bit of radio then i found a comedy club and went i don't want to do drama i want to do stand-up and it had given me the confidence so that was the starting point of essentially this but oh my god the years in between like no you are going to choir oh it was a fucking nightmare i am choir the church choir was the worst because it was practice in the week and then you had to sing at the church on a Sunday. I pooed my pants coming back from the...

Glastonbury. I pooed my pants. Played the pyramid stage. It was us, the Arctic Monkeys. Why was I at the church hall? Anyway, the bit of thing at the church hall... Probably building it, you old cunt.

And I'd, we always like to tell this story about me peeing my pants. You can't get to the fucking end of it. Where did the class come from? It's entertaining me. Watching you fucking

get warmed up every time I talk to you. Are you trying to be your dad? Are you making up for the fact that he's not here? I do this to Freddie, you know, you know,

like backstage at comedy clubs, just stopping Freddie Quinn getting a story out is the funniest thing in the world. He gets so fucking wound up by it. Oh yeah, but Freddie's story's fucking hell. I thought, what? I love this shit machine. I needed a,

God, I must have been about nine, and I needed a poo, and I, I was like, no, I'm just going to keep going. I didn't find cover. I just stopped walking. I remember exactly where I was, on Liverpool Road in Penwitham. Pooed into my underpants.

I just remember standing there. Didn't bend or anything. I was young enough that I had underpants on, so it caught it all. You were young enough so you had underpants on, so it caught it all. What? You were young enough so you had underpants on? Well, because I wasn't at the boxer's short age. I was about nine, ten years old. So you had full long johns on?

No, underpants. A nappy? No, knickers. What? You're not underpants on. Why fronts? Like, actual knickers. Actual Speedo.

Well, why are you... You're looking at me like you've never heard about underpants. I've had boxies on since like six months old. No, you've not. Yes, I fucking have. You have worn underpants as a small child. No. I'm going to go and get your fucking dad from outside where he's doing... How old are you talking here?

I'm talking nine, ten years old. Fuck off. You had fucking... Underpants? No. Oh, mate. I tell no oh mate i tell you what i tell you what in our school you just be made to fucking kill yourself you can't wear fucking undies like that undies are boxes yeah from the age of like six months and up undies no yeah under children wear underpants nopants. No, they don't. No, they don't.

Right, I'm going to go on my phone now. This is probably not going to do my search history very good. I'm going to search... Children in underpants. Boys underpants. Right. Boys, this is killing. Boys underpants age...

No, this is a fucking did you mean you're a nonce boys underpants age nine watch ready oh shit they're coming up

with boxer shorts oh briefs briefs there you go look at that fuck you I don't want to see a nine year old boy in undies

do not show me no no it's just the fucking it's the packaging isn't it it's the they're not they're not of child model how do you think sainsbury's sell their underpants okay guys right give me something safe i'm coming back from choir practice come on really look at the camera tristan look at the camera we really need to sell these underpants look that's what i mean just look under underpants. Look, that's what I mean. Just look, underpants. Why is that?

It's just weird, lad. That's not, I tell you what, great poo catchers. Yeah? Oh, you've got nothing. You've got nothing. Hang on. Let's just fucking stop for a second. If you're a nine-year-old, are you saying I'm a dickhead

because you found pants you could shit yourself in? Practical. Just because you went to fucking primary school in a Liverpudlian bore stall where you got murdered for your knickers. You called them knickers? Yeah, I know, because I said underpants and you were like, huh?

It's like I've gone, you know, those things you wear, like skibbly blob blobs. Like, if I'd have said that word, you were like, skibbly blob blobs? What's that? The fact you wore them to the age of nine yeah is that why i didn't get touched yes that is fucking horrific can i tell can i tell you something i don't think this is gonna go down really badly it wasn't just the age of nine was it you had them on your fucking 21st when no no no i got to 12 13 if you i said seriously i was still wearing i was still wearing underkegs when i had my first wet dream so i was what 22 yeah i genuinely i remember you these are memories aren't they why am i talking about

pooing and jizzing in my little underpants yeah i was still wearing so how you wore those well well into my teenage years yeah that is i can't believe what you're saying to me i think drama group i discovered lynx africa and and and profit you know in like you know in pa yeah you're changed with all the other lads if you'd have got changed in my school Yeah And you had them on You'd be dead This podcast would not be happening I can't even speak I'm not fucking angry I can't wait to tell Carla

Email your mate in Japan Lad Can I tell you something Started wearing boxed shorts All boxed shorts You know out of the 90s into the noughties. Met Laura in 2014. In 2015, I had a conversation with her. I was like, Laura, I'm getting a bit annoyed with boxer shorts.

They always just feel like they sort of... You haven't got wife's on time right now. I've been wearing underpants since 2015 you've got them on not that size but you've got adult size them on right now I've got underpants on yeah I don't want to do the podcast anymore

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Dan. I've got white fronts. Dan. He's actually got next white fronts on. They shouldn't even make them. Have you never told me? You have fucking never told me. I'm an underpants wearer.

You're a fucking nonce. And I mean it now. It's not even in a jokey way. If I went swimming with my fucking kid and you were getting changed and put them on, I would go, come on, son, let's find a different swimming mat. I would not let them get changed in the same room as you and them. They're comfy.

No, it doesn't and them they're comfy no it doesn't matter if they're comfy who's seeing them? who's seeing them? it doesn't matter lad I know I'm never going to look at you the same way

I'm going to be sat across from you doing the podcast in the air and I'm you know when I zone out sometimes and you know I've done it that's going to happen a lot more now because I'm going to be looking at you in your eyes

and you're going to be like doing all your fucking comedy shit and I'm just gonna be thinking he's got fucking white fronts on i can't believe they're fashionable wife i own a fucking business with you now like this this this would be this would get rid of a pre-nup i'm telling you right now you should have told me this before do you know you're you're working so hard right now being really humorous with all your comedy shit like you said it's paying for my underpants that's what you're working for now my keck money bitch and plus point just like back in 1990 when i did a plop back on the from the way from church if i pooed my pants right now, it'll all be caught.

It'll be in there. It wouldn't be like boxers. You've got an incident, haven't you? You've lost a good pair of trousers. You shouldn't plan your life around shitting your pants as an adult man. I haven't done it. This is coming from someone with IBS. The risk of me shitting my pants is significantly

higher than you. You're going to need more than these for IBS, aren't you? Like full bin liner. Wrap round. I never told you I'm a these shit in my pants is significantly higher than you. You're going to need more than these for IPAs. You need like full bin liner. Yeah. Wrap round. I never told you I'm a... No.

I'm an underpant where it's one of the best things about being married. Who cares? Laura doesn't. I care. Do you think it's part

of the reason why we only have sex once a month, me and Laura? Maybe twice if I'm... A hundred percent. Do you think? Yeah. Think about what you

look like in them. Nothing else on. Fat man baby. Exactly. Do you want to see? Absolutely under no circumstances. I'd rather see your gaping bum hole than see that. Well, that's unreasonable.

Why would you rather see my gaping bum hole? Because I can... To see my gaping bum hole, you'd have to see the underpants. No. Because I could just get close. I've seen... Do you not have a problem with the underpants sort of scrunching up a little bit

in the gooch area? No. Really? Yeah. What's happening with me then? I don't know. You're really upset, aren't you? Yeah. It's weird. Oh, dear. I got in the choir as well. Callback.

I was miming. I told you this is it. Will you leave that fucking mic alone? No. Just leave it in one place. Is there an annoyance yet? I'll never touch this again. I can hear it.

If you start wearing boxies. Just twat it all around That's it Yeah I got in the choir Because I was miming Because no one in our school wants to be in the choir And they were like Today's assembly we're going to pick our 12 people for the choir

So come by Come by And I was there miming Like I'm not getting in any fucking choir. Not putting me in that. That is social suicide in this school, motherfucker. You got to protect your neck. Everyone had to try out for choir.

Was it... Why were you there? It was just assembly. And they were like, right. Or hymns or whatever. We went to a Catholic school. Yeah, yeah. So you did hymns like once a week or whatever.

It was like, looking back, it's's fucking weird it's culty in it honestly one of the biggest annoyances of my life about being british is the connection between the edge at state and church with education yeah it's a if you think about it it's fucking dreadful like oh you want to go to a good school you want a kid to go to a good school in your area yeah well that's uh say what we say when we say it katie mulgrew had a great bit of that but like mate if there was a muslim faith school around the corner from me i'd be in a fucking full burka doing the school run off you go we've changed his name to ah Ahmed because it's got Ofsted excellent Salaam Alaikum Barbara Jane is really really funny

Salaam Alaikum I've added that I've added that when Mulgrew retires I'm going to say to her can I have that bit thank you I'm going to do what

Matt Reid did to Benny Boo when Benny Boo went oh fuck I'm giving up comedy and Matt Reid was like Benny Boo when Benny Boo went, oh, fuck, I'm giving up comedy. And Matt Reed was like, right, can I, what? Roy. Did you take a couple of his jokes?

His jokes. And he talks like that, Roy, I don't know what the fucking impression of Matt Reed that was. But yeah, if there's like this weird thing with comedy that if someone retires, I guess I don't think it's happened loads,

but you're like, shit, you giving up, mate? Is that you done? Can I have like going through a dead man's fucking wardrobe i when i did roast battle i bought a joke off rob thomas that i knew he already had and i messaged him i was like do you still do this joke and he was like i don't really do that one anymore no and i was like i'll give you 100 quid for it you can never do it again

it'll be mine well it'll be perfect for a roast battle it was Rob's joke used to be his his dad it was so clear his dad always used to tell him it was an accident and he took it too far every year on his birthday he'd tie flowers to his own bed stand because that's where the accident

happened good bit innit and I knew he had it and I was writing for the roast battle against Maisie and I was like that'd be good that's a saying you were unplanned

every year on your birthday your dad flowers in the bedside so I just text Rob and was like can I have that yeah I don't use it anymore give you an underquifter

there is I honestly if more I've thought about that she did she I basically came up with the idea for the bit. And then Katie Mulgrew, who's one of my close mates in stand-up,

well, in life, I spoke to her yesterday. I saw her do a version of it, but she'd already tried it and it was more complete. And I was like, oh, fuck, I thought of that bit. And then you've done a great job of it. And she was like, yeah, it doesn't really work. And I've had it in the back of my mind to go back to her and was like, oh, fuck, I thought of that bit. And then you've done a great job of it. And she was like, yeah, this doesn't really work. And I've had it in the back of my mind to go back to her and be like, listen, if you're not using that bit, can I,

maybe it's a case of buying it because it's frustrating because I thought of it. She was just a couple of steps down the line with the process. But I've very very very rarely done that in stand-up like comedians sometimes add like add-ons to jokes danny mack's very good for that of like of going have you thought about this little add-on scott bennett who's another comedian we talk about if anything sees too many and he yeah he backloads his jokes sometimes you're like scott this bit was perfect three add-ons

ago but the whole thing about it's a big thing for me that you know like when it comes to stand up and I hope this doesn't get boring for people but I think people like us talking about this sort of stuff we get a lot of messages saying so I I don't like a joke that's over written because it makes

my favourite comedy as we've said a million times on this is comedy that feels natural it feels like someone's just spilling their fucking emotions and opinions and their life stories onto an audience if you tag a story with 17 extra bits it becomes so clearly written that i stop enjoying it it's just not entertaining for me at all and from that's like in real life isn't it yeah if if you are riffing and joking and someone's telling you like oh my god this happened and you have that initial laugh there is a real skill in identifying and being able to perform that bit And then there is another skill of knowing when the joke

is to be just left in the air, floating, and not to be like, and another thing. Because if you do that in conversation, you're doing it with an audience. All right, mate. All right, we get it. We get it.

You've done your, you've killed the joke in a weird way. Like, grace of doing it with an audience. And I always push it one too far with Jade. You know, and you're like when you get a laugh from your partner and you're like, I get this more than this and you get another one. She's like, that's really funny.

And then you do one more and she's like, all right, that's enough now. Yeah, we get it. Totally. She'll say it. An audience won't say it to you. An audience will just slowly laugh less. Your partner will go, okay, dickhead, that's enough.

And you watch newer comedians and you think oh god there's so much more there yeah you've had a bite of the fucking the the chicken wing but there's more meat on the bone especially with stories like people newer comics uh don't realize you can you can like keep adding to a story and keep coming back to the branch i remember seeing an interview with kevin ridges quite early on where he spoke about that he's like when i started i had five minutes i didn't want to write another five minutes i wanted to make that five or ten and yeah build the tree and having it having a set piece yeah that is i've said this before but about four years ago when i had that ke Kevin, go and see Kevin Hart bit,

and the bit about my student neighbours having a rave on New Year's Eve, if I got to a gig and was, I could literally write, Kevin Hart, student neighbours, and that was my 20 minute set, because both were 10 minutes. It's great when you get to the bit

where you've like, you're off the story, you go off the track, and then you come back onto the track, and the skill of knowing when a story's done if it's if it's told and not like some new comics you're like mate why are we still on the journey this we should have got there already sometimes the bit that i had that got me into comedy clubs and what what i mean by that is like it was the bit that killed when i was up and coming on the circuit and it was the one that made i think made comedy clubs go oh you can write a bit because that's seven minutes long it was about um you might remember it was about listening

to two girls discussing what celebrities they would sleep with and one of them mentioned nelson mandela yeah remember that routine i've seen the uh it did well, didn't it, the clip? I've seen the clip, I think. It got picked up by Lab Bible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It did a couple of million, like,

which is great. But that bit started as one sentence. It was, I was listening to these two girls having a conversation and they were saying,

would you shag Ryan Gosling? Would you shag George Clooney? Like, whoever. And would you shag Nelson? And it was a true story. Like, a semi-true story. And it just went, no, wouldn't shag Nelson Mandela.

So I added the line because my ex-fellow had been in prison and he was a fucking dickhead. Right? So that was the bit. This is what happened. And then I turned that from, how long did that take me to tell you that? 25 seconds? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was seven and a half minutes. And that in, when you're a new act doing a 10 minute set to try out, you come on, you go bang, bang, bang, three quick jokes. And then you close with that story and you've hit 10 minutes.

And it just looks to a promoter, like you know what you're fucking doing rather than having five two minute bits that can all fall apart at any point a seven minute bit that an audience invested in i think that was a big thing for me going from open spot to paid act was having a routine knowing knowing when to to really deep dive into the thought process because that's what a great bit is this happened and then it's the thought process and you fucking taking the argument apart and then putting it back together yeah and then it gets longer and and then with confidence you know when to lean in and when to

yeah new acts when they're doing their five minutes ten minutes or whatever they don't even know which style of comedy they're doing sometimes no i was i get two puns one fucking weird bit of like storytelling then a little bit of like peter k style do you remember this and you're like this is all over the rope stylistically and your voice those things like i look back now and i realize i never intended to at all but my first stuff very first stuff is quite one-linery yeah like it's feed line punch line and like really shit stuff but you look back and go i thought i was telling stories but i wasn't really it was just as a punchline after the whatever and the difference is seeing a joke on the page and then what like what adam's talking about before when he's talking about add-ons

it stops being funny is there's something truly funny about like believing something's happened like genuinely believing yeah even if you know as a comic that there's been embellishments and things have been added if you think ah this is just shtick once it's shtick you're like it might as well just be a gag like a tim vine fucking anthony jessel gag because you're like, this is just a joke. So just make it a funny joke. But if it's honest, you'll almost forgive a little bit of a failing in the story or joke because you're like, yeah, because it's real life and I believe you.

And I think that's why some comedians fail with like offensive comedy is I think if you're going to be an offensive comedian like Anthony Jess on it, right? And you come on stage and go, I was fucking a baby last week. And that's your opening line immediately that people in the audience know you're talking shit. Cause if you were fucking a baby last week, you wouldn't be talking about it on stage so they immediately lock in this is all bullshit he's just being funny and he's being scandalous

and he's being you know and you're either into that or you're not but you can immediately go he's not I'm not saying that makes everyone go well I'm up for offensive comment because some people just don't like it but if you set your stall out in that way

then you can get away with a lot because it's bullshit the jokes have to be higher level better written because the darker they are the better they need to be yeah because you have to get past the i know this isn't true stuff and oh that's awful but it's worth it like yeah you want isn't it but then people fuck up by trying to be offensive but they start with stuff to get the audience on side that has to be true like they'll go on stage and go i've moved in with my girlfriend and this happened and this happened and this happened and that is only funny as you said because it's true so the audience are then locked into oh this guy is actually talking about his life and then that same act goes,

and last week I was fucking this baby. And the audience go, whoa! Hey, hang on a minute. You're messing with people. You can't do that. You've got to either be, commit to everything I'm saying has an element of truth to it,

or it's all bollocks. And I think that's where comedians, especially people who are trying to be offensive, they fuck up when they try and crisscross that stuff. Because I don't think we're good at seeing how audiences see us. What we forget, because we know we're complicated, you know, I'm into this and I'm into that,

but there's an element of this in me, you know, and I'm a little bit spiritual, although I've got a great sense of humour, and I'm edgy, but I am a nice guy. Like, they don't see any of that. You walk on stage and they go, Scouse lad, he's brash, and he doesn't give a fuck. That is basically the quick judgments that they're making

of what you're wearing, of how you're behaving, of your style and your confidence and your first few jokes. So if you start down one road, and then halfway through the set, set off down another, like, this is true story, this is real life, I've got a missus and I've got, you know, these, and then all of a sudden it's like dark stuff that isn't real. You're, crowd's like, who the fuck are you? Yeah, yeah.

I've done the same. If I keep it light and silly and do my little caricatures and the voices that I'm good at and as soon as I then have an opinion on something crowds are a bit like even if you're having a great gig they're like what yeah yeah you're not an opinion guy like if you have a bit even that hints about politics early on it if you do something later on that has an opinion around it that will go a lot better because they're like, oh, this guy's sort of, yeah, he's got opinions on stuff

and it's silly. But yeah, it's funny when you change gear on an audience how a really good crowd gets it. They know that there's more going on, but most crowds will be like, what, who are you? It's funny. It's almost better. If you're going to be surreal,

hit the ground running with surreal. If you're going to be controversial, hit the ground running with controversial. And like, that's why I love it when people have got the balls to start with, like we were talking about the other day, like when Nick Helm walks on, he's like,

let's kick this in the dick! And you're like, bang, you're in fourth gear straight away. Yeah, and he's a high-voltage, sweary, loud comedian. And that opening line tells you that immediately. It's a perfect opening line. That will have absolutely ruined several gigs for him as he was working comedy out on the way up because crowds like i don't know who are you i don't want to kick anything in the dick but you're like you've got to break you've got to break a few eggs

the way you dress the way you walk on stage the first thing you say i started wearing jackets on stage so it looked like i don't give a fuck that was a that was the big change for you for me honestly wearing jackets yeah that nelson mandela bit was fine but when you were wearing jackets i was like this guy's got it i was like that's the give him proper gigs now pay this fucker i like i think comedians do overthink it a lot but in my head i was like if i wear the jacket it looks like i'm not staying long i haven't even took me fucking jacket off lad so you don't look like this is like six years ago when i started wearing plus you had a great bit about that primark jacket primark jacket yeah that was a fucking great bit uh yeah don't get too wrapped up in in what you wear or uh your hairstyle or your intro music, but do be aware of how audiences see you.

It's a real skill to be able to, and I'm not saying I've got that because I've been a bit sporadic with what I've worn and how I've, but you learn as you go, but it is definitely worth keeping an eye on just the style and content. That is if you ever want to do comedy. I mean, a lot of you might ever want to do uh comedy i mean

like you might just want to be a chorister so how did you get into singing in choirs no where did you actually sing can you actually sing i mean we've got it this so i'm giving it a go and yeah okay ave maria please you know you went to a cafe no adam i want you to really try No no no Order Order That's being silly

I want you to be genuine Not for comedies not for lols I want to see You show me how to do it And then I'll I don't think we did Ave Maria we were C of E We didn't get a touch and we didn't sing this song Gloria in excelsis Deo

Gloria Gloria In excelsis That's a banger that You could put that on the club and I reckon places would go fucking mad Yeah that's like a working class Christian song We didn't sing that shit.

So what did you sing? Well, there's different types of Christian song in there. There's that sort of shit like, which is basically sister act. Can I just say, right, Alfaren, we're 40 minutes, it's going to be a slightly shorter one staying in. There's no features or anything

because we're in the middle of fucking decorating this. Be back on fucking structured stuff from monday kids propers propers for monday um i can't wait to show people what we've built here but anyway um if you've if you've gone to everyone who listens to this what do you reckon the main branch of today's podcast is going to be, I think it's probably going to be Christian hymns. What, Adam and Dan? Yeah, yeah. I think they both might reveal they were in choirs

as children. Yeah. Ave Maria. Pure, pure Catholic that. Well, Cathy. Has anyone ever called her Cathy? you're fucking kathy your mind's a fucking kathy um gloria gloria never sang that in ex chelsea no i went to a good school we uh we never did shine jesus shine because that's like born again modern happy clapping my church my church or

school would never have had do you remember that shine jesus shine spread your love like marjorie that's the lyric we were more like i'm trying to think oh like and in the street on england's work on your mom's fucking Hallelujah. Did you do Nasty Devil? Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Did I do Nasty Devil? We're going to get... If we get thrown out of this office for singing Hallelujah... Did you do Nasty Devil?

The fuck are you... What kind of church did you go to? Was this in your uncle fucking Kev's garage? All right, come around. Fucking church on Sunday. Hey, don't mind that. That's some diesel oil.

Knock that out of the way. It was a cover of Nasty Girl by Nelly. God, I love my little nasty. I love nasty. I love my little one. I was like, you got to keep a straight face

I love my little nasty devil I love my little nasty devil it's getting God in here so take off all your robes I'm gonna take my robes off. It's getting God in here. So take off all your robes. No matter what I do, all I think about is juice.

I need to ask got any more songs We're all done I'm glad we've invested in this studio It's useful for people It's important My fucking neighbours listen to this He's doing Christian parodies Mark I wonder how to plop on the way home from church. Shall we call that a pod?

I've got to go to fucking Skipton to do a gig to a load of cars. I'm doing that drive-through gig for Freddie Quinn. Drive-through? Drive-through. Drive-in. You're actually stood in a Mackey's window going, knock, knock. You get the punchline the next window

who's driving i've said to freddie the first person at that gig tonight to do a dog and dog in bit is exactly what i said i literally showed the whatsapp group i was like the first person to say the word dogging has to admit they did it to danny mack and feel the fucking shame coming through your WhatsApp like you fucking fuck. Right? Hallelujah.

As always. Hallelujah. Shut up. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. We love you all. Dan!

Wrap it up. Be a pro. I can't wrap it up while you're singing. You just wrap it up. I always wrap it up. I'm sick of it. Be a pro. I can't wrap it up while you're singing. You just wrap it up. I always wrap it up. I'm sick of it. I'm trying.

I'm not normally singing while you do it. Go on. In the bleak midweek. It's making me feel weird. Sexy? No. In my underpants. Think about me in my underpants.

In the frosty wind in my underpants. What about in my underpants in the frosty wind in my underpants what about them Dan come on shut up Dan Dan

that is fucking rude that what have you just done turn your mic off or is it mine upset me nasty bitch so thanks as always

to all our listeners. Don't turn your mic back on. Pack it in. Can't you say one thing? No. You can't. He's stuck his headphones on. So, fucking skip to...

Oh, thanks as always for listening to us. I'm going to kill this cunt, you know. You are all going to be very excited to see what we've been building in here on Monday. I hope the slightly shorter episode than normal is sound. Please support all our sponsors. I'll fucking lick you if you don't fuck off. We'll see you on Monday.

Sorry, I've got to go and kill this cunt. Bye, Felicia!